KILL TONY - KILL TONY #238

Episode Date: November 8, 2017

Sklar Brothers, Punkie Johnson, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 11/06/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that...

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19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv. There we have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes. You can also click on tour dates and get your tickets to see Kill Tony every Monday at the world famous comedy store. We're also going on the road this week.

Desquad's going to the Midwest. Me and Kate Quigley and some special guests are going to be in Indiana, Indianapolis, at Morty's Comedy Joint, November 8th. November 9th, which is Thursday, I'll be at the Columbus Funny Bone, my home club in Columbus, Ohio. And November 10th, we'll be in Pittsburgh at the Arcade Comedy Theater. Go to deskwad.tv and click on Tour Dates. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's Tour Dates,

you can go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. He's going to be in La Jolla Comedy Store on November 10th and 11th. And then he's going to Australia November 22nd through the 28th. That's TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, that's the house artist. He draws every episode.

He's drawn the poster. You can get copies of all this by going to his website RyanJEbelt.com And last but not least ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad store and universe. And they have the Kill Tony t-shirt

right now. There's only a few left so if you haven't got the first kill tony shirt now's your chance because when it's gone it's gone forever so get your kill tony shirt at shop squad dot tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony Hey, this is Red Band Company live from the world famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hatchman. Hey, what's up everybody? Hello, good evening and welcome to Kill Tony. Make some noise for the great Brian Red Band, everyone. What's up, everybody? Hello, good evening, and welcome to Kill Tony.

Make some noise for the great Brian Redband, everyone. What's up? Ryan J. Ebelts here drawing tonight's episode. Comedians, are you out there? Make some noise, you fucks. The opportunity of a goddamn lifetime. Bucket of Destiny is here. A lot of fun stuff happening.

Brian, very soon we're going to be announcing, I'm just going to put a little teaser out there, I'm just going to say, we're going to be in the future here very shortly announcing some major Kill Tony road dates. Josh Martin's here, everybody. The producer.

People hate Josh, naturally. Also, this week, if you're listening to this live, I might be in Indianapolis, Columbus, Ohio, and Pittsburgh. Go to deathsquad.tv, click on Tour Dings. And I'm going to be in La Jolla this weekend in Australia from November 22nd to the 30th. Melbourne, Sydney, Adelaide, Brisbane, all of Thanksgiving I'm spending in Australia. A lot of other fun dates coming up at TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's all good and dandy. I think

we can keep it moving. Let's just jump right into it. Shout out to LA Speedweed. Who loves marijuana? Thank you. We love marijuana too. We have a short table and three guests. I'm going to bring out tonight's guests, everybody.

Every single week week I guarantee you some of the funniest comedians this week of course no different put your hands together for the Sklar Brothers and Punky Johnson wow Sklar Brothers some of our favorite guests yes

here you guys go down there you guys go down there. You guys go down the edge. Sorry. Punky, this is her first time on the panel. One of the newest paid regulars of the Comedy Store. All right. Like a lot of my favorite people, a true Comedy Store comic built up from the darkness as an employee. Was that racist?

Was that racist? Wow. That felt weird to say. Built up from the darkness. I employee. Was that racist? Was that racist? Wow. That felt weird to say. The darkness. From the darkness. I accidentally said darkness. Wow. I'm used to it.

It's fine. She's used to it. I'm used to the darkness. Punky, you excited? You have organic grapes that you've brought with you? That's right. They better be. It was $9.

It really is. $8? You go to Whole Foods. Look at you. You really are a paid regular. I'm a healthy bitch. Sklar Brothers, welcome back. Thank you so much.

Good to be back here. It's the fucking Sklar Brothers, everybody. Don't be silly. You don't know what's about to happen to you? You better recognize. I'm excited you guys are back. I'm excited about everything. This is a fucking fast-moving episode so far.

I'm excited. Let's bring up the band, shall we? Yes. The only part we're missing, it's my favorite band in the world. It's the best goddamn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, and Chris Croma, the bass player. No Jeremiah.

No Jeremiah? No, Jeremiah's on the road everywhere. Oh, okay. That's funny. Pretty sure I saw him in the hallway. Let's see what happens. We'll see. Uh-oh.

Oh, it is Jeremiah Watkins. What the fuck? Obviously, they are the Beastie Boys. This one, it's not going to take me multiple guesses. Every single week, they commit to different different characters if you don't know. How many of you have listened to an episode of Kill Tony before in your life? Right here.

It's the motherfucking band. Clearly the Beastie Boys tonight. Am I correct? How you doing, Ad-Rock? I thought you were dead. I'm Ad-Rock! How you doing, Yowk? Are you alright were dead. Yeah. You all right? I'm Ad-Rock! How you doing, Yowk? Are you all right?

Who's the other guy? Who's the guy with the saxophone? That's Adam Yowk, who died a few years ago. Yeah, you look great. Back from the grave! Wow. So you guys are going to be the Beastie Boys the whole time? Yo!

Yo! Pretty sure the Beast boys have never said that. Mike D on the drums. How you doing, Mike D? Oh, shit. Yeah. Extra large. Holy shit. Well, that seems

like it's going to be pretty tough to do an hour and a half as the Beastie Boys. Yep! Uh-oh. Holy fucking shit. You guys ready to start this crazy ass show or what? I have a bucket with like fucking, I don't know, maybe like 70 or 80 fucking

names in it. People sign up for the opportunity to get pulled out of the bucket and perform 60 uninterrupted seconds in front of this amazing audience here at the world famous comedy store and of course the hundreds of thousands around the globe.

You get 60 seconds. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Aw, that means wrap it up then. Earl, she's gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. What the fuck? I mean the show're going to have a bad time. What the fuck? I mean, the show is supposed to have... All right, there it is.

There's the format. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? It's episode 238 of Kill Tony. For those of you paying attention on your Kill Tony bingo cards, let's just jump right into it. I pulled a name out. Ooh, in parentheses it says, from out of town. Put your hands together for Tara Brown.

Oh, shit. I'm immediately excited. Come on, make some noise for Tara Brown, everybody. Tara Brown, everybody. Come on, make some noise for Tara Brown, everybody. Good evening. So I've been on a pretty bad dating run as of late. I went out to the movies with a guy, and once the lights went down,

he proceeded to pull out a bag of cocaine and snort it right there in the theater. Now, oddly enough, you'd have thought that would have been the thing to offend me, but it wasn't. I'm like, hey, to each his own. I was more taken aback by the fact that he didn't offer anybody anything. I had shared my goobas earlier in the night, and that was a hardship on me. The brother has a drug problem. He can get help for that. Not sharing your stuff

is selfish. That's a character flaw. And then, you know, I'm fond of too that guys don't tend to follow up. You know, I one time looked at a guy. He looked at me. I smiled. He smiled. And he kept staring. The problem with that is I'm originally from Brooklyn, New York. And where I'm from, if you look at someone continuously for more than three seconds, that constitutes a threat.

So at that point, you either need to rob me or ask me for my phone number, but you got to make a move somehow. Thank you, everybody. Tara Brown. That's how you do it. Hell yeah. Don't step up on her like that. Do not. Tara, you are adorable.

How long have you been doing stand-up? For three and a half years. Where at? At the Comedy Zone, mainly in Charlotte, North Carolina. Yeah, we know that club. My call. My call. The guy who runs that club. My call. My call. The guy who runs that club is amazing.

He's got the hookup. My call. Everywhere. He's like, you guys want to go to this museum? Go to this museum. That'd be great. And we're like, yeah. He's like, I'll get you there after hours.

You guys want pastries? Go to this pastry. You guys want to go do a NASCAR ride-align? It's good. You guys want to jerk off a giraffe? We're like, whoa, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's like, I got a guy at the zoo.

I wasn't off of that. Oh, you weren't off of that. Well, you've never done that? No. So he's not of that. Oh, you weren't off of that. Well, you've never done that? No. So he's not sharing either. Oh, Jesus. All right, all right. Did you say you're from Brooklyn?

Yes. No sleep till, Danette. There we go. I cannot believe that that just happened. What are the absolute fucking odds of that? Yeah, it's amazing. That's a 10-star fucking Beastie Boys joke. Nice.

Just a layup. It was just all you had to do was dunk it. It was right there. Holy shit. I like the cocaine sharing joke. Can we get into that a little bit? Yeah, sure. You did it.

First of all, great job in keeping it tight. You had a nice beginning, a middle, and an end, but I love the cocaine sharing joke. Did not expect that. You did it. First of all, great job in keeping it tight. You had a nice beginning, a middle, and an end. But I love the cocaine sharing. I did not expect that. That was great. I love it. That's a good point. If he's not sharing his stuff.

Did that really happen? It did. It did. It really did. And how much longer did the date go on after that? Not much longer. Did you sleep with him? No.

What was the movie? Actually, it was Tougher Than Leather. That's how long ago this was. Wow. On DMC, remember that? Oh, yeah. So it was a concert movie. Yes, it was.

Wow. Well, you need Coke for that, because there's not a good storyline. Not a lot of plot in that. That's an interesting thing, cocaine in a movie theater. That doesn't sound like that'd be that much fun. No, it was a first for me. I'd never seen that, yeah. Well, I've done it.

You've done it. Oh. I don't see the problem. She did it during The Incredibles. That's a children's movie. Children's movie. I share, though. If I get it, I make sure I get enough for everybody to see it.

Isn't cocaine, though, a selfish drug? He pulls out cocaine and it's like, weed means we're going to party all this good. Yeah enough for everybody. Isn't cocaine, though, a selfish drug? He pulls out cocaine and it's like, weed means we're going to party all this good. Yeah, for sure. I mean, meth, you're like, you don't have enough teeth to do this. How long are you visiting Los Angeles for? Actually, just to Wednesday.

Just to Wednesday. How long have you been here? I got in yesterday. I'm here for a work event. In my daytime life, I do PR. So I was here for a work event and wanted to get on stage while I was working. Hell yes. Look at that. Yeah. Nailed it. Can I ask? Are you with anyone right now

or no? What do you mean? Boyfriend? No. No. But looking? Yeah. Okay. Yo! Oh, shit. Come on, Yowk. You're dead, man. Threesomes, one-night stands. One at a time. I can only do one at a time.

Why are you so certain about one at a time? You say that with such, I mean, you're positive. I'm 48. I don't have a lot of energy. I just, one at a time. One at a time. One at a time. She's like a...

Whoa. Hey, man. She's like a... Whoa. Hey, man. She's like a club at capacity. One in, one out. That's how it works. You don't have a steady hookup in Charlotte? No. You know someone?

Hook me up? Wait. You know someone? Hook me up? Wait, I was talking about that you have sex with. No. What were we talking about? Potter or something? No, I was talking about sex. I thought I was going to say Jeremy Lin. It's a basketball joke.

I think he's moved on. Yeah, he has moved on. He's with Brooklyn. That's right. Anyone from Brooklyn? Brooklyn! Tara, what do you do for fun? What's like a hobby or something that you like to do? I don't know if it's fun.

I write, I do this, and the comedy is just really honestly what I'm doing for fun these days. Yeah. Well, that's fun. Anything else for fun? No, I'm pretty boring, actually. Really? Yeah, a little bit. You watch TV a lot?

I do watch TV a lot. What's your favorite stuff to watch? This Is Us. Yeah. This Is Us. Oh, shit. Really? Are you serious?

Thank you. Thank you, Ray-Ban. Jesus Christ. That show's amazing. No, no, no. All right, what else? Name something else that you watch. Ray Donovan. Okay. Man That show's amazing. All right, what else? Name something else that you watch.

Ray Donovan. Man, you like super white shows. Jesus. Ray Donovan? Are you talking about Ray Donovan with Liv Shriver? Liv Shriver, the lead role? The only thing whiter than the show she watches is the Coke that that guy took out of the show and the movie. All right, well. All right.

If Ray Donovan's number two, I gotta ask, what's your third favorite? I don't even know what This Is Us is, by the way. This Is Us is a... What is it? It's an NBC show about a relationship. Do you watch porn or no? No, I do not. You do not watch porn?

This is when I thought you was fun, bitch. Fine. Fuck. Why are you hating? Don't hate on her. Don't hate on me like that. fun, bitch. Fine. Fuck. Why you hating? Don't hate on her. Don't hate on me like that. No, I like it. You know what they say when you're young.

You usually pick on the girls that you like. Come here with your fine ass. Come here. Oh, yeah. Okay. I don't know. You shit coke. You might be all right.

Whoa. That's not all she shares. Folks. All right, Tara. Well all she shares. Folks. All right, Tara. Well, you're so lovely. Well, thank you. Hopefully we'll all see you. Yeah, are you doing time up at the Comedy Zone?

You are doing it. Yes, I do. Do you open and feature for Axe Combo? I open and feature. Good for you. Yes. Good. All right.

Great. That is awesome. Thank you. I like it. Tara Brown awesome Thank you There she goes, Tara Brown Tara Brown comedy on Twitter Fuck yeah, Tara, that's fun What can Brown do for you? Punky just thanked her mother

for her performance I just heard her say thanks for not mentioning my mom A mama know A mama know I just heard her say, thanks for not mentioning my mom. A mama no. A mama no. Really? Your mom is 48. His mom is 48.

Fun fact for you. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Jordan Perry. All right. We have physical movement. Here he comes. The comedians really popped for Jordan. Jordan Perry, everybody.

All right. How we doing? I'm going to go ahead and try and connect with the crowd. Anybody else besides the last comic snorting cocaine? Alright. What are the odds? I'm trying to stop sniffing cocaine. I don't know about you guys.

It's addicting. It's weird. Like, you ever snort so much cocaine, you start talking like the villain from the First Men in Black movie? You're just like, ffff. like the villain from the first Men in Black movie. You're just like... Excuse me. Excuse me.

Do you think I could get just a bump of your yayo, perhaps? Just a little bit, just for me. I'm the only one, okay I'll do that much cocaine I'll still try and holler at a bad bitch I don't care, man I'll just see a girl I'll do the rest I'll see a girl and I'll just be like

Okay, now you That's exactly what I do How'd you know, Red Band? I thought that was his impression just be like, oh man, never mind. That's exactly what I do. How'd you know, Red Band? I thought that was his impression. I was like, holy shit. Were you impressed? Unbelievable. This guy's now throwing his voice into Red Band's computer. I'm very, very talented.

Michael Winslow, 2.0. Jordan Perry, welcome, welcome. Is this your first time on the show? This is. Awesome. How long have you been on stand-up? Five years. Where are you from? Georgia, Mariet Welcome, welcome. Is this your first time on the show? This is. Awesome. How long have you been on stand-up? Five years. Where are you from? Georgia.

Marietta, Georgia. There you go. Do you do mostly impressions or no? No, that's like the only impression I do. Did you write that five years ago when Men in Black 2 came out? No, I wrote it like a year ago. It's just a good movie, man. I just don't remember the bad guy too much in that.

Really? Oh, I remember that guy. Who was the bad guy? I think it was just a good movie, man. I just don't remember the bad guy too much in that. Really? Oh, I remember that guy. Who was the bad guy? I think it was Will Smith. That was the bad guy, not the bad guy. Oh, I'm sorry. Not bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good. Not bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good. Come on now. Men in black lives matter!

Oh! Wow. Something else the Beastie Boys never said. So now you live in Los Angeles? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something else the Beastie Boys never said. So now you live in Los Angeles? Yeah, yeah, yeah. For how long? About three years now. How do you make a living?

Well, I'm about to start working at Harry Potter World. Yes. Perfect place to do cocaine all the time. Dude, if you're not doing cocaine at Harry Potter World, get the fuck out. Get the fuck off the butter beer, bitches. That's crazy. That's going to be fun. No, it won't be. What are you going to do on the Harry Potter?

I'm going to be a ride operator for a flight of the Hippogriff. What are you laughing at? I'm taking my kids there. I fucking love that thing. Fucking fag. Well, that's right. And if ever that phrase made sense, it's me taking my kids there. Well, when you take your kids there and you know that they're on that ride, just know that the operator has been doing a lot of cocaine.

A lot of cocaine. That's right. Yeah. Your kids are safe, I'm sure. Do you really have enough money to be doing that much cocaine? No. Okay. That's why I quit, man.

That's why you quit? Yeah. That's funny. That, to me, is funny.. That's why you quit? Yeah. That's funny. That to me is funny. Wait, what'd you quit? Cocaine. Oh. What did you do before the Harry Potter thing? I was an Uber driver. I worked at Project Taco.

Why are you laughing? Why are you laughing so hard at him saying he's an Uber driver? Oh, God, you suck, man. By the way, I love Project Taco. Let's fucking find out what this is. Was that Heidi Klum's Mexican restaurant? What the fuck is Project Taco? No, it's a bougie taco place where white people make tacos. Oh, I thought that was Chipotle, but all right, fine.

They're trying to be Chipotle. Okay. I thought you were supposed to upgrade jobs. You're just going downhill, motherfucker. Bucky, why are you shitting on me? Hey, just to be clear, I'm shitting on all you motherfuckers. That's right. She's shitting on top of the world.

All right. Do they drug test for Harry Potter world? No, they do not. It seems like for ride operators, they would drug test. You would think, but they don't. I think you should talk about that on stage. Yeah. Well, I have a bit about it, but, you know.

I mean, they're not going to drug test him, but he will pee into a cup for them. Yes. Yo, what if on that hippogriff ride, it went up to the top and then it just dropped off? There was no continuation of the roller coaster. And everybody died. All right. Yeah. Jordan, how's your living situation?

It's tough out there for a comedian in between being an Uber driver and a Harry Potter ride operator. Don't forget Project Taco. Project Taco. Yeah. It's good. I just got a new roommate. Like, literally, she's moving in, I think, like, in December.

Okay. Yeah, she's cool. She's cool. But I live with three people right now. Oh. Yeah. What part are you in? I'm in Miracle Mile, like, Wilshire, Fairfax. What part of the apartment are you in? What part are you in? I'm in Miracle Mile, like Wilshire Fairfax.

What part of the apartment are you in? What part of the apartment? Kitchen. I know how that is. I've been on the bean bag at one point. Oh, really? I'm like the roommate that's been there the longest, so I have my room. Oh, wow. That's powerful. Yeah, it is. It's a power plant.

That's some Project Taco rank Which one of them holds issues fashion? None of them How about the new girl? How about the new roommate? You sort of see how it might get She is black so that's nice We're upping our numbers

How has there not been a black reboot of that? How? Come and kick down my door. Put the notice on the door. Oh, shit. What the fuck was that? Okay. So that's interesting.

What did you do when you met the girl? Did you see? I don't think I really got an answer. You just said that she's interesting. What did you do when you met the girl? Did you see? I don't think I really got an answer. You just said that she's black. She is, yeah. Hell yeah! What type of girls are you into? What type of girls am I into?

Girls, I don't know. I don't really care. I'm trying to do comedy right now. Guys. For those of you listening, translation dudes. You asked where you listening, translation dudes, you asked where he lived in the apartment, the closet.

Just kidding. I'm just kidding. For those of you listening to the podcast, by the way, Jordan Perry looks like Kendrick Lamar if he had four roommates. Come and knock on our door. Well, that's fun, Jordan. What else do you do for fun? Like any hobbies or anything cool like that?

No, I just do this. This is all I have time for. Sure, but like you have to do other things sometimes for fun. Like, you know, a hobby or something. Video games. Something that you do. Project Taco, anything. Yeah.

Like what are you into? IP spoofing. What? What's IP spoofing? What's IP spoofing? What? Dead air. Thanks for the dead air, Brian.

Really just saying random words. We've never heard of you do anything like that before. I was going to assume that was racist. That's all I'm going to say. IP spoofing? That was a joke for the internet. Cool. Oh, wow. Insane clown pos IP spoofing? That was a joke for the internet. Cool. Insane clown posse spoofing?

Alright, fine. Nothing else? I used to do improv. Oh, really? You're in a box right now. Act like you're in an invisible box for us right now. That's not improv, Brian. What's going on? That's mime work.

Too early in the episode for this to start happening. Brian just said, get into whiteface. I don't know what that means. That feels a little strange right now. Oh, my gosh. Can I make this suggestion to actually both people who just came up here? I think you, Tony's hitting at it. You got to get out and live.

That's how you write your material about shit that you do. It can't just's hitting at it. You gotta get out and live. That's how you write your material about shit that you do. It can't just be about comedy. You gotta get out and live. You gotta fucking ride the hippogriff. Don't just run it, man. Yeah. Very, very, very important. That's right. Very important. Or else you're just gonna end up doing

Men in Black jokes 17 years after the actual movie came out. It's a good movie, man. It is a great movie. It actual movie came out. It's a good movie, man. I don't know why you're sitting on it. It is a great movie. It's a great movie. It's a classic.

It is. All right. I mean, that movie came out when Tommy Lee Jones was young. All right. We just met Jordan Perry for the first time. There he goes. That's Jordan Perry. That's how it happens.

That quickly. What song was that? All right. We freestyling over here. You guys having fun out there? We've seen this young lady a couple times on this show. She's quickly become one of our favorites. Put your hands together for Lila Hart, everybody.

What's up? Elf season just around the corner. I'm stoked about it. About to be making that midget money. Guys are always saying weird, creepy stuff to me. Ask me weird questions. Like this dude. He was like, damn, you're so cute.

You are so tiny. But I mean, like, could you even handle a dick? And I was like, yo, kids are out here getting fucked every day. People are fucking kids, you know? Pretty sure I could handle a dick. You know what I'm saying? Why would you fuck a kid when you could just fuck with me? Right? Nobody has to register.

We could take role play to a whole new level, daddy. People are fucking kids. Yeah, that's where I'm just gonna end it right there. I love the clothes. I love that her women be shopping is people be fucking kids. Am I right, ladies? People be fucking kids.

People be fucking kids. You might want to follow that up with am I right, ladies. I'm just saying. Get her done, perhaps? Yeah, that's her get her done. I can handle a dick. You might be a pedophile if... If you've ever.

Stuck in your dick in a Fisher-Price toy. You might be a pedophile. All right. As a father, I was very happy with that set. But can I say something? Now this is from my heart. I like the jokes in there. I think they were hitting. I don't think you, no pun

intended, entered in the right place for that joke. I don't. I think the premise was a little sloppy. Like I feel like you kind of came in where the guy talking about you, I just feel like there's a better way to position the beginning of it, which is maybe it's that, you know, the best part about being you is this. You can end, like, pedophilia because X, Y, and Z.

I don't know if that's the answer. Absolutely. Do you agree with me on that? It's the smartest version of that joke. I think a lot of people, including myself, were laughing at, you know, you have a gold premise there, and when you have something that good, you can really, even though it's getting

laughs, you can turn that into something amazing. And I absolutely agree that that's one of the smartest routes to do it. You always want to play as smart as you possibly can. Also, I like the idea that people don't know what to do with you. When they meet the idea that people don't know what to do with you. You know what I mean?

When they meet you, they just don't know what to do with you. And you're like, okay, now I'm actually going to tell you what to do with me, and I have a solution. You know what I mean? And I think that's... You've been on the show, I believe, twice before, right? You've had a great set every time. So let's just jump right into it.

How often, how many times has that happened where a guy that's hooking up with you, do they have you role play a lot like that? As a child? No, not as a child. I mean, you know, I just came up with this bit and I just thought it was funny to say that. No, no, no. I agree. But we're saying go deep. You're already getting laughs.

So now go deeper and try and actually, because I do think you could be actually taking a huge blow against something that everybody fucking hates. So now you get the audience on your side and you're being funny about it. And it's a joke that really only you can tell. I mean, we could tell it, but it's much funnier coming from you. So that's a great, that's a goldmine is when it's like coming from you and it's your voice. Do you agree? Absolutely. Yes.

I 100% agree with that. I actually thought you really went through that. So to say you just made that up I mean I'm saying like guys do say that to me Like they do say like Could you even handle a dick Or you're so small Could you even fuck you know

And that's how I came up with that idea Like if you're fucking kids You could fuck a little person You know what I mean Yo this little MC is crazy! Oh, shit. Okay. Do you say daddy when you have sex?

Do you? Do you? Do you? I mean, I have. I've said it. Brian's like, how do you say it? Just give me an example. Brian's like, can you you say it? Just give me an example of how. Brian's like, can you record it in my phone? The sound effect he's going to play himself to sleep with tonight.

Do you say it? Do you say it? I've said it before. Like how? No. Do you want me to throw it into the microphone? Is that where? No, no. We got everyone quiet for a second.

I really. I also loved, I want to say that I remember, I loved your presence up there. I thought you took your time. I thought you had total, complete control of the room. This is a difficult thing to do

when you only have one minute. So that was super impressive to me. Oh, thank you. And that's definitely something to build on. I fucking love that. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, since the last time you were on the show,

anything else happen in your normal, just real life that's interesting? Yeah, I was just in Calgary, Alberta. Cowboys Casino. How did you know that they're from Calgary? Because I was here earlier and... She's fucked them. Jeremiah.

Not Jeremiah. Somebody asked, and then they said they're from Calgary. Oh, okay. And you performed up there, or you just... I was there as a... They had like a... On your way to the Northgary. Oh, okay. And you performed up there? I was there as a... On your way to the North Pole?

Yeah, exactly. She's making toys. It's almost that season. It is almost that season. It's the most wonderful time of the year. No, I was hired as an atmosphere actor. I was like a creepy clown. Wait, I love this.

This to me is... Hired as an atmosphere actor is fantastic. That's something no one in this room has ever said. To then explain what that means is amazing. That's a fucking... Mind that. Huh? Like wind?

Like what atmosphere? What atmosphere? What? Were you like a low... A low parametric pressure system moving in? Ozone? Ozone layer? What layer?

No, she was just... Stop. She was just... They just painted, like, my face, and I was, like, a scary clown. Yo! Little Pennywise is fine! Beastie Boys...

Beastie Boys are off the chain right now. So, wait. And you had to, like like go up and scare people or just kind of hang out by the... Oh, no, like people, I was in this cage that said freak show with like another little dude. That's not demeaning at all.

No. Hey, you know, when the price is right, I'm down with it. Price is right. And you know what? I didn't realize Calgary was this backwards. So they threw me down a bowling alley, and I was dressed as a clown.

Wait, so they put you in a cage that said freak show with another little man. Well, yeah. Well, the whole theme was freak show. Wait, wait, wait. This was at a bar mitzvah? I cannot believe it. It feels a little.

It was at the Cowboys Casino. Oh, okay. And people could take pictures with us. And how did that make you feel? Thank you. I like taking pictures with people and I look dope as fuck. So it was awesome. Empowered. You felt empowered.

Yeah. You know, here's the thing. People used to make fun of me for being small and now I get paid for it. So like jokes on you. That's a good message. Look at this. A pause break. This has turned into an episode of Oprah. One small

now standing tall. All right. So what I so my suggestion to you is you would be like jokes on you I'm making money now. If you excuse me

I'm getting back in my cage. Jokes on you, bitches. Let me get back in my freak show cage. Zip. I have to get back into a duffel bag. Zip. Do they put pee pads down for you? Are you allowed to leave the cave?

Okay. Brian, you're out of control. Brian. Lila. She's now starting another reboot of Three's Company called Two and a Half's Company. Lila, you are absolutely adorable. I love that you're talking about stuff that only you can talk about. That's right.

But this thing is fascinating, the atmospheric. I want you to mind that because I think it's great material. I think you can dig in. That's fascinating. And true. And truthful. Love it. Come from the real place.

Awesome stuff. It's real life. All right. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Lila Hart, ladies and gentlemen. She's on Twitter at LoveLilaHart. How cool is that?

Okay. Grabbing fun. How cool is that? I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Cal Hamilton. No Cal Hamilton. Blacklist it. That sucks. Lil G. What the fuck is happening?

Yeah. Oh oh my god. Oh my god. I love it. I love it. One more time for Lil G, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. Oh my God. What up?

I'm a little different. Don't know if you noticed. Yeah. Because I'm so used to people, like, pointing and gawking all the time that when they don't, I'm like, bitch, why'd you make fun of me? Am I not special enough? See, no, I can joke about all this now because I had an epiphany that gave me some confidence.

Corgis. Stay with me. So when they first came out, y'all lost your minds over how adorable they are because they're so chubby with these, you know, stubby little legs, people. That is essentially dwarfism. So they're the little people of the canine world, right?

Which makes them my spirit animal. Yeah. Because check it. I realize I'm always going to be a little chubby too because what God took away from me in height he made it for in booty. And then all this mass gets compressed because he cut my height off right below the line

that makes Disneyland not so much the happiest place on earth fuck yeah Lil G this is your first time on the show right Lil G yo I like the other little one better

come on Beastie Boys come on Beastie Boys. Come on, Beastie Boys. Yeah, yeah. I agree. Wow. Come on, Beastie Boys. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Honestly, this is my first time in the States. First time ever. Well, gee. All right. This is your first time ever on stage? I did one open mic in Toronto because that's where I'm from, just to see how I felt. And there was the one time

you were locked in the cage at the freak show in Hollywood, right? Guys, Canada is unbelievable. You think it's civilized and they're just fucking putting people in cages. No. That's why we gotta build the wall up there. First time on the stage, not in a cage.

Yeah. We got a cageless stage here, guys. Cageless stage. Lil G. Lil G on the main stage. You are absolutely adorable. Just adorable. I mean, I don't know.

Oh, my God. You're just like, I mean, you're like, it's like I was watching Ali Wong's special, but on an iPhone or something like that. Yep, yep, that's a great joke. Or just a trailer of it. No, you, I mean. What do you do for a living? I write and translate and design.

You design what? Wine company labels and logos. So it's flexible work. I know I wanted to go into comedy. So I wanted to do freelance. And you translate as well? You translate English into little people?

Just pronounce Jumbalumpa, please. Whisper what you hear into your friends' ears. Yeah, because that's all we can't hear. No, into Mandarin. And then I used to do a little Korean before, but then, yeah. Can you teach Punky? Punky, what do you want to know how to say in Mandarin? Let me eat that pussy?

Exactly. Spread them. You know what? I think spread them is a good one. Yeah, well, how do you say spread them in Mandarin? Spread them. You know what? I think spread them is a good one. How do you say spread them in Mandarin? Spread them. Say it into the microphone. Peacock.

That's right. Peacock! Peacock! Peacock! That's like the best episode of Pokemon ever. For those of you that missed it, Punky believes that Lil G is a fraud. She believes that she is a normal-sized,

not Asian girl. That's right. Also, she's a human shih tzu. Meanwhile, Jason just feels like he found the greatest Pokemon Go ever. Yeah. Wait, so this is your first time doing it, really doing it on stage.

Okay, suggestion, slow down, speak louder, speak into the mic, because you want people to hear what you have to say. I would look at what the woman Lila did before you. She, like, took her time. I'm not comparing the two of you guys. You are way smaller than her. But, no, but I mean, like, Again, look at all the...

I agree with them. You should follow in Lila's footsteps. Size three, negative three footsteps. You do have a bigger ass, I must admit. I was looking at it. She has a little junk in her trunk. Baby's got baby back. Lil G is a human Toyota Prius.

First of all, I love your hair color. I love your glasses. I think your look is fascinating and interesting, and I want you to sort of expound on all that as you create your material. It's a long road to go as you're trying to create what your voice is, but you have a perspective that is different than everybody who does comedy, except for

the girl who went right before you. You have a unique perspective is what I were to say to you. You do, though. So, I mean, you want to cultivate that in the best way, because there's material that you can do that other people can't.

Yeah, like any stories from translating that went wrong, any time you've been translating and just decided to make up words like you just did a minute ago. Were you born in the U.S.? No, I was born in Beijing. Beijing? And they let you live. That's amazing.

There you go. Don't get mad at me. Fuck you. Fuck China. That's China's policies that I don't agree with. All right? From the dumpster to the stage. He actually does have a really good point.

How did you survive? How did you crawl out? No, because at the time, 90s, they didn't know about dwarfism. So then they told my parents to just throw her away, have another baby. But my mom was going to do that. And then their friends were like, come to New York. There's Children's Hospital. So we moved here when I was four or five months old.

Holy shit. Amazing. I want to hear all about this. I mean, it is fascinating and true and real. And everybody loved it. Rip the shit out of China. Rip the shit out of China. Do it. Yeah, this is like a real movie.

They're trying to pollute the world, but they gave us you. You understand what I'm saying? You're the one thing going against all the pollution they're throwing up in the fucking air. I'm not going to lie. I want to hate on China, but I'm not famous enough for if I do it, what if they hurt my people back there? No one's going to hurt your people. First of all, you're not going to get that.

You're never going to get that. All right, let's sit down. I'm joking. We're joking. No, we're kidding. Let's be straight. I don't mean famous, but even if anything's leaked, like the smallest thing, and then it gets in the wrong hands,

then, you know. The only thing they would understand from this entire episode is the word spread them. Peek-a-k! Peek-a-y! Peek-a-k! Spread your leg! You become the Peek-a-y girl in China? I don't think

you should be afraid of that. This is the United States. What's your love life like? What kind of guys are you into? Women? Are you into? Women? No. You like Asian guys? No, it's just I'm happy. So I don't need anybody

messing around. Punky. I'm sending Punky in on this one. First of all, I thought you was African American with your fucking name Lil G. Bitch, what is your name? Ari. Huh?

Ari. Ari. Like Shafir. Yeah, hey. That's it? You don't have... Not Ari-an? Nothing?

Just Ari. Just Ari. She's not Asian. She's something along those lines. Is that a weave? No, it's... Straight up. That's her hair.

Let me see your scalp, bitch. Prove it. Oh, shit. Damn, Punky's doing her patented scalp check. Wow, I can see it. That's a real scalp. Why is she checking for lice? That's weird.

That's strange. This just turned into a Caribbean brunch on NBA Wives. What just happened? What is going on in here? Someone's pulling a weave out. Let's go. That shit you joke just got real. Oh, snap.

Lil G, what do you do for a living? She translates. She translates into wine labels. How long have you been in LA? I literally just moved here Sunday. Wow. Sunday, like last Sunday. This past Sunday. Week and one day. What have you done that's fun?

No, yesterday. I've been here like... No, this past Sunday. I've been here like, no, this past Sunday. Okay, fine. Sorry. Yeah, I've been here like almost every night except for the first night after Dave Chappelle went home

because then I was really sad that I wasn't going to get to see him anymore. Well, I have a question for you. Do you like attention on the street when people look at you? Obviously, people are going to notice you because you are different. Yeah, when people walk by and they're like, ooh, can I pet it at you. Obviously, people are going to notice you because you are different. When people walk by and they're like, ooh, can I pet it?

No. Oh, come on. She does not have a dog. They do not say that. Come on, Tony. That's real bad. Yeah, wait. I noticed that, too. What the fuck was that? They would never say that. They'd be like, does she bite?

No, but for real, when people give you attention, how does that make you feel? Well, when you grow up with it, you get used to it. And so like I said, honestly, sometimes when people try to be polite and then they look away or something, I'm just like, wait, what? Why? Right. You don't understand why they're not being truthful to you. Because it's interesting that from that

attention you want to be on stage and you want even more attention. I think that's cool. I think you're empowering yourself through this experience. That's the kind of stuff I feel like you should talk about because I think people would get behind that. It just gets weird when taxi drivers in the Midwest

you know. Have you been in the Midwest? In an alley or something? What did you just say? Taxi drivers in the Midwest. Wait, what? Have you been in the Midwest? In an alley or something? What did you just say? Taxi drivers? In the Midwest. I went to school in Minnesota. It's wider than Rice over there. But then the taxi drivers...

You take taxis? Well, no. No, she takes minicabs. Come on. No, I just mean like From the airport to the taxi You know like When school starts and all

But then But like I don't like small talk But then they always Come on Folks Straight up Oh no

Way to Way to Just drop it Way to plug your own podcast Little G Just drop it The best part is I don't like small talk

But it's available on iTunes Rate and review No' G. I don't like small talk, but it's available on iTunes. Rate and review. No, I meant with like... I mean, the best part about you dropping the mic there is you know it's not going to break. Yeah, because it's a much shorter distance to fall. Setting it down. Just literally like placing it on the ground.

Sorry, I meant just with taxi drivers because it always starts out like, oh, the weather is very nice. And then they just go into like oh you asian yeah because i know where it's gonna go and then they're like what asian i'm like guess and they're like japanese i'll be like yeah or korean yeah and then they'll be like how old are you and i'm like guess and then they'll be like 20 and like no 15 because i make it a point to to tell them I'm not of age. So stop it.

But they don't. And then they'll be like, oh, you're young. Oh, I like young woman. And then they're like, you know, my brother married Korean woman. And by the way, there's always a brother who married Korean woman. And I'm just like. Wait, what? Can you translate that for me?

Can you translate that on a wine label for me? Because they have a brother who married a Korean woman. But every time they always say that, I started thinking, am I getting the same taxi driver every year? And then I'd be like, oh, cool. And then they'll be like, you should be my wife. You can cook for me, clean for me. You'd make me very happy.

This conversation, like the first time it happened, I was 15. I'm so confused right now. I have no idea what the fuck's going on. I don't know what kind of creepy taxis you're taking. Airport taxis. Airport taxis? Yeah. Oh, wow, Jesus. You too short to be so long-winded, bitch. Got it. Beautiful. Airport taxis. Oh, wow. Jesus.

You're too short to be so long-winded, bitch. Beautiful. Well put. Drop her mic for her. Now go up and drop her mic for her. Ladies and gentlemen, we just got to meet the stylings of Lil G, everyone. She's on Twitter at Baby Wings Fly,

and that was her first time ever performing, so how about that? Make some noise for Lil G. And for the record... Monday night, main room, make some noise for Lil G. Lil G, come on! There you go, you fox.

By the way, she just walked by me and gave me a high three. I just want you to know that. Look at them. They're hugging over there. How adorable is that? I've seen videos like that. It's like a fucking Chuck E. Cheese over there.

I swear to God, she literally could be a lunchbox right now. If this is a midget, I'm literally going to stab myself with a sword. So I'm putting that out there. Let me read that name. Let me read that name. Wait. Hold on a second. Peter Dinklage. Wait a minute. Get out of here. Wait a sword. So I'm putting that out there. Let me read that name. Wait, hold on a second. Peter Dinklage. Wait a minute. Get out of here. Wait a minute. Hold on a second. Dee dee dee dee dee.

This looks like another new name. Put your hands together for Mary Bazmajian. Mary Bazmajian. Make some noise for Mary, everybody. Hey, everybody. My name's Mary Basmajian.

That's Armenian for loud and obese. My grandma's always comparing me to the Kardashians. She's like, look, honey, look, Kim has, she got married, she has children, she has husband. What do you have, Mary? Huh? What do you have? A gag reflex, grandma. I have a gag reflex. Shit. Everybody got pissed off at Donald Trump for saying grab him by the pussy. I wasn't too mad. If he could find my pussy, I'd let him grab it. Thank you, you guys. Thank you. That's my spiel.

Yeah. Real quick, though, I just want to point out the fact that I kind of look like I ate the last two comics. That's okay. I'd say three. Three. Thank you, Tony. Tony, I know how much you love fat people. I like you.

I like you. I think you're one of the funniest John Belushi impersonators I've ever seen in my life. I was going to say, I throw a couple people from Harry Potter in the world in there as well. I thought you guys were going to play Hail to the Chief. Hi, Mary. Welcome to the show. How are you doing? Good. How are you? Great. How long have you were going to play Hail to the Chief. Hi, Mary. Welcome to the show. How are you doing? Good. How are you? Great. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Seven years. That's awesome. All out in Pasadena? Yes. At the Ice House? Some. I do monthly shows at Flappers. I bet you do. I do. Why not? I love the way you told your material, waited for laughs.

Your delivery was great. Your act outs were fantastic in terms of your characters and stuff. I mean, I thought you were committed and I dug it. Punky? I fucking disagree. If you would have said you was up here like Lil G your first time, I would understand. I'm not saying nothing bad about your stand-up, but my thing is time. If you know you're coming up here, you know you've got to have a tight one minute.

Don't come up here for 27 seconds and then jostle out and then be like, wait, but I've got one more thing to say. Nah, bitch. Do a minute. Make it tight. It's been seven years. You need to learn what a minute is. You make me nervous, punky. You make me nervous.

Girl, meet me in the bathroom later. Shut up. She'll find your pussy for, meet me in the bathroom later. Shut up. She'll find your pussy for you. She will definitely find it. She'll say Pekai and there you go. Lesbian sonar over here. Pekai is Armenian for open sesame. What's your favorite thing about being Armenian?

Nothing. No, the community. They support you. And the money. I don't think that's the right race, Brian. No, it's not. I thought you were going to say the lack of cologne. How do the Armenians support you?

Rides to the airport? Free cigarettes. No, I have a monthly show called Armenian All-Stars, and they come out, and the tickets are $30. Whoa. Wow. They roll out the red rug for people. Yeah, every month.

They really do. Yeah. You charge $30 for a comedy show? Yep. Wow. How does that? You don't? Yeah.

Good job. Is hookah included? Right? Yeah. Armenians, Is hookah included? Right? Yeah. Armenians are paid. If you come, I'll include it for you. Why is it 30? Because they'll pay for it.

Yeah. Wow. They'll pay. They own gas stations. Hey, we're bougie. We're bougie. We give them a nice show. It's worth the 30.

Huh. So you mentioned Kim Kardashian. So, I mean, those are like... That's the gold standard of Armenian, like... They're the kings and queens of Armenia. No? I mean, those are like, that's the gold standard of Armenian. They're the kings and queens of Armenia. No? I mean, sure, sure. But you don't like her.

No, I don't. Why? What's the real... Do Armenians like her? Some do. Yeah. Some do. So is that a controversial stance, like, in your community to take you down? Sometimes it is, yeah, depending on the crowd you're with.

I would like to explore that. Like, they're the representatives you're with. I would like to explore that. They're the representatives that everyone knows in this world as Armenian. As an Armenian, I would love to hear your honest opinion. If you got real about it, just don't think about what the joke is. Because actually, I was trying to articulate how I felt about your set. I felt like you came really strong with your setups and what you were doing, but none of your punchlines landed the way you wanted them to. And so I was like,

what's happening there? Why is that not... Why aren't... Like, you're hitting the right cadence, but it's not getting the right response. I think there's not a connection between you and the material. I think you were just trying to say things that you think people would laugh at when, if you get into the truth of how you feel about the

Kardashians as representatives of your community, I think then it starts to get more real, more specific, and funnier. Sorry, I didn't mean to make it a clinic. Thank you, I appreciate that. Also, get a catchphrase like my friend after everything he said. Okay? You look, you buy.

You look, you buy is a great catchphrase You look you buy And I honestly to all the comedians in here Take your time and appreciate the silence Because silence don't mean you're not funny It just means you know how to process your shit And get to the next joke You had so much more time

I was so nervous I didn't think I had that much time No excuse bitches I know I know I'm sorry punk I'm so nervous. I didn't think I had that much time. No excuse, bitch. It's been seven years. I know, I know. I'm sorry, punk. I'm sorry, punk. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

It is true. Seven years. Seven years. Seven years. You would think if anybody was going to come in short on their time, it'd be Lil G and Lila Hardy. Lil G, by the way, is still telling her taxi driver story that story was longer than the movie Taxi Driver Mary what do you do for a living

other than being every home plate umpire I've ever seen Tony you're out I actually just do comedy and acting Tony, you're out. I actually just do comedy and acting. Hell yeah, $30 tickets. I do private shows as well. What does that mean? Wow. Champagne?

What kind of cage do they put you in? Right? A big one. A big one. A fish tank. Yes. No, I have a character, actually. I'm kind of like on Instagram popular, whatever I hate calling Instagram famous.

But I have this character called Vartu Stota, this old Armenian lady. And I just dress up as that lady. And people hire me to go roast their guests that they have over for dinner. That's awesome. And that's what I do. By the way, that is amazing. And for everybody who's listening, she has figured out a way to do what she does funny.

And they make money doing that shit. Can you bring a little of her into your stand-up act too? I try to as much as I can. Did you not think that it would work with an audience that wasn't all Armenian? Fuck that. Why? Really? Yes. I've experienced it where I do that

and they kind of. So don't use the jokes that are only jokes that the words will be buzzwords for Armenians, but fucking make it universal. And introduce it as like this is an old woman from every, this is every old woman. This old ass woman is in every Armenian family. Boom. You're right into it. Yeah. I mean, I think like that's a way for you.

That could have been another 33 seconds here. Right. Right. You're right. You're right. For real. What else do you do for fun? Any fun hobbies? I live in Pasadena, so I like going to the Huntington Gardens.

So she likes to fuck. Was that the beginning of The Lion King? So what do you do for fun in Pasadena? I get high and I go to the Huntington Gardens Oh I love that place Fuck yeah Do you have trouble keeping up with the Kardashians? Wow

Just checking 1915 never again See that's something an Armenian would have gotten 1915 never again That's a genocide chant That an Armenian would have gotten. 1915 never again. That's a genocide chant. That's great. Always bring up genocide in a comedy show. That's a good point for comedy.

That's great. Genocide is always funny. Man, I just got to say that you got our dream job. We want to go to Armenian households as the Beastie Boys and roast the shit out of some Armenian people. Yeah, boy! That's my Beastie Boy, Patty Reagan! I was actually on the stage

last night doing an Armenian show. On this stage? Yeah, and then I'm gonna be one on next Sunday, the Armenian Bone Marrow Registry. Do you only do Armenian shows? No, I do all kinds of shows, but they hire me for that because they know me from my social media. Wow. Get connected to your material. I'm sure you are super connected with it when you're talking to Armenian audiences.

Get that same level of connection when you're doing your stuff here. I've been trying to figure that out. Is it hard performing in front of Armenians a lot, and then you look out there at good human beings, and you're trying to deliver your jokes to decent people? Right. It's very difficult. Is it weird to see 150 people and just 150 eyebrows?

Actually, it would be 300. I have to say the air quality in here is a lot better. Is it hard to perform in a place where it doesn't smell like Dracar? Yeah. Yo, our mini music's all like... Oh, you just got fucking Beastie Boy roast.

Actually, I'm... You just got sabotaged. I'm actually roasting one of the System of a Down members next Saturday. Really? He's a guest at the party I'm going to. Oh, man, that's great. See, that to me is interesting. I hope you come out of that

with a story. Because you don't want to roast someone who sings about suicide. You know what I mean? Because that guy might not take it that well. Who is it? Serge? Shavo? John? I'm a fan. Shavo. Shavo? Yeah. Nice.

Be there, guys. buy $30 tickets we got them I never heard a Beastie Boy that sounded like that before but listen even though my tickets are yo he took a throat lozenge listen even though the tickets are $30 anybody that wants to ever come out

hit me up I got you guys there you go free tickets to a super Armenian show. Spoken like a true Instagram star. No. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together again for Mary Basmachi. Thank you so much, you guys.

These guys are sweet. Nice job. nice job. What was cool was that we got to see the second Armenian genocide here on this stage tonight. Wasn't as painful. They'll be saying, remember 2017. Everybody always hugs Lila hard on their way out.

Like she's some part of the set or something. Like the piece of wood that you rub at the Apollo. You gotta rub it and then you get on stage for good luck. Everybody knows for good luck part of the set or something. Like the piece of wood that you rub. It's like the stuff at the Apollo. You gotta rub it and then you get on stage for good luck. Everybody knows for good luck you have to hug Lila after your set. Did you guys see her tights? She looks like Beetle Juicy Juice.

I thought it was going to be better than it was. No, no, it was good. I would have said Beetle Juice Box, but I have kids. Yes. It's a great joke. That's a good... deserved so much more than this crowd gave you, Randy. Alright, it's fine. Beetlejuicebox? That's funny.

The name that I'm going to say has like a slash through the O in the last name. I believe that's an O, so I don't know if I'm saying this correct. Put your hands together for Justin Ong. Ong? J. Young Comedy? No? Is that a human?

No? Alright. Okay, just a one word name here. How about Colin? Colin? Colin? name here. How about Colin? Colin. Colin?

Sounds just too easy to be... Just one word. That's a great name to just have one of. How about Jake Beckman? Get up. Get up. Here he comes from a long distance away.

It's like the guy He's like the guy Jake Beckman still walking. So, uh, the real reason why Hitler killed himself is because he has a really ugly wife who's a shitty cook, and she has a nasty vagina that smells like rotting sauerkraut. And the real reason why Hitler's wife killed herself is because she's married to fucking Hitler. Catholic priests are now starting to convert to Islam so they can move to communities in the Middle East

where marrying and fucking kids is perfectly legal. And so statistics show that a prostitute's favorite snack is flavored lube while sucking a dick because she's getting paid while she is enjoying her snack. And if you listen to way too much country music, you might end up

fucking your sister or your cousin because anybody who has ever listened to country music fucks their sister or their cousin. Jake Beckman. Wow. I feelman. Wow. I feel like... Hang on. I'm going to say something right now.

I loved it. Yes. Fuck yes. This could be a guy on stage at Kill Tony or the drunkest guy at your office party. I feel like you are hours away from shooting up a church. Tony, you know who this guy is, right? I'm here to have a good time, man.

He's been on the episode before. He's the one that recorded his own comedy special. Is that true? Is that you? That's me. It's been years since you've been on this show, right? I've signed up to this show probably like 60 times and I got on twice. This is my third time now

I'm just surprised you remembered everything thank you that was it's a hard thing to remember forgettable material have you been doing other have you done other stand ups have you released more specials just answer my question have you been doing stand-ups? Have you released more specials? Just answer my question.

Have you been doing stand-up other places? I've been in Colorado for the last two years growing weed. Oh. I thought you were going to say stockpiling weapons. And what are you doing now? You just came back here to reclaim your position at the bottom of the stand-up comedy pool? Fuck yeah. Were you doing stand-up?

I got back eight days ago, so I'm eight days back in L.A. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Why do you want to do stand-up? What about it? Why do you feel like you have to get out here? I have a raw passion for saying obnoxious, crazy shit. Okay.

And I want to say obnoxious, crazy shit. Okay. obnoxious crazy shit. I want to say obnoxious crazy shit. Okay, see, if you had said that at the beginning of your set, it still would have been terrible. Yeah, I know. If you had said that,

you would have put it into a shitty context. Yeah, that's right. But I mean, you got to say that because that to me actually, I don't know, I'm trying to understand why you are doing this. Let me really fill you guys in. I don't know. I'm trying to understand why you are doing this. Let me really fill you guys in. I don't know if you really heard what Red Band

mentioned earlier. Jake Beckman was on the show. I'm guessing what, about two and a half? 2014. So check this out. The first thing he did when he decided he was going to start doing stand-up comedy was make an album. Like all of us did.

And he made this album. Like all of us. I know you think it doesn't get better. I know you're like already you start with your album. Perfect. But wait, wait, wait. He did it without an audience.

Okay. Probably a great Just like tonight. Without the audience with him. Okay. Just like tonight. Without the audience. Without the audience with him. Okay. What's the name of that? How do we find it? The Jake Beckman mind fuck. It was on iTunes. See, that I love.

It was on iTunes, but then after I went back to Colorado to grow weed, I just took it off. Wait. It was on iTunes and then I feel like iTunes was probably like, we need to get this shit off. They don't ever say that about anything. The mind fuck is that we put it on here in the first place. That's

the Jake Beckman mind fuck. Can you recite a line from that special? Do you remember a line from that special that you said? That's not about Hitler? And you recorded this what, directly into a computer or your phone? My Mac. Straight into a computer or your phone? My Mac.

Straight into a computer. You're just like I'm gonna fucking make it right now. This is it dude. Sisters doing it for themselves. Okay. Can you give us an example of one of the lines from that special? Working with 40 year olds and older just sucks the youthful life energy right the fuck out of me. I'm shit of shitty.

I'm fucking tired of their shitty life advice that will lead me to doing shitty dead-end jobs for the rest of my fucking life. That is hilarious. Because it's true! My mind is totally fucked right now. Totally fucked! Pause more for the laughs.

I'm going to I'm gonna ask who's quickly becoming one of my favorite guests I've ever had on this show, Punky Johnson what she thinks of this guy Jake Beckman Punky, what do you think about Jake? All I gotta say is no nigga in the history of Punky Johnson have ever left me

speechless I don't know what the fuck to say to you I just want you to go in the history of Punk and Johnson have ever left me speechless. Yes! I don't know what the fuck to say to you. You know, I just want you to go. He's gonna kill us all. He's fucking crazy. I feel like you're giving him too much credit. I'm fucking crazy.

I do agree. I can tell you're definitely... You have crazy eyes. You got the googly eyes. Are you in a relationship? Are you in a relationship? I'm not talking about a sex doll. No, no. Fresh in LA, dude. I'm just

getting my shit together, getting a job and just What are you going to do? Before you say getting your shit together, let us decide if you're getting your shit together. Did you have a girlfriend or a boyfriend in Colorado? The last girlfriend I had, she was the sheriff's daughter. The sheriff?

The sheriff of where? The sheriff's daughter of the town, man. Of Comedy Town? The sheriff of Comedy Town said he will tell no more jokes. Do we live in the Wild West right now? Well, I dated the sheriff's daughter. Times have been tough ever since then. Hard to go back to a city when the sheriff doesn't want you there.

See, this is funny. Talk about the sheriff's daughter. That's ridiculous that you were dating the sheriff's daughter. She just ended up having a lot of little things that I didn't like. So it was a big pile of little things. A big pile of little things. Let's hear some lot of little things that I didn't like. It was a big pile of little things. A big pile of little things. Welcome to another episode of Big Pile of Little Things.

Which is Lila and little G. I don't know. No, that's a little pile of little things. This is a big pile of little things. That's your Joel Berg chant right there. Name some of the things you didn't like about the sheriff's daughter. She had yellowing teeth at the age of

20. Her dental hygiene was shit. She was still skinny. She had a nice, hot, little Frenchy face. She kind of looked foreign, a little European. On the other hand, she didn't smoke weed. She rarely drank alcohol.

So she was pretty much straight-laced sober. And I want a ganja babe, you know, to help me just grow cannabis throughout my life. A ganja babe? A ganja babe. I want a ganja babe. And she was not going to be a ganja babe. If you're gay, if you're straight, if you're white, if you're black We don't care if you have a big rack Oh yeah

Fucking Beastie Boys So I'm assuming your parents are dead because you killed them No If not What do they think of what you're doing with your life? For the most part I grew up with a family of farmers And I'm just essentially taking

Cannabis cultivation as a trade When you say it like that Yeah part, I grew up with a family of farmers and I'm just essentially taking cannabis cultivation as a trade. Ooh, when you say it like that. Yeah. Really fine. I actually think, I actually would love to hear a comedian talk about growing wheat. Like, that to me would be interesting. Yeah, I think it's good to smoke weed before you grow weed because the

consciousness of the plant interacts with you. Here comes the boom. You work better on the plant when you're not on the weed. And then Hitler was a faggot. Yeah, we know. We get it. I think your next album should be you telling jokes and a bunch of people talking over it. Yeah, commentating on that.

No, just helping us not hear it. Jake, I'm pretty interested. I don't know if you guys noticed this. He said there was a big pile of little things that he didn't like about the sheriff's daughter. Yellow teeth. The first answer wasn't yellow teeth. It was yellowing teeth. As if, though, like maybe she had a cup of coffee and a few cigarettes one day.

He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can crest white strips. Yellowing means you're going the direction of yellow. That's right. Now, that was number one. The second thing in this big pile of little things, you remember? Yeah. You said she's skinny, actually good looking.

You literally started complimenting her in the two slot. That bothered you. Number three was that she didn't smoke weed. You want a ganja, babe. I want a ganja. And number four is that she doesn't drink that much. Right. So let's talk about your dream girl for a second here that much. Right. Let's talk about your

dream girl for a second here. Jake, what you think you can get in this fucking world? Two words. Rita Marley. Right. Let's describe what your perfect girl looks like. Essentially, you know, she likes to

do yoga, take care of her body. Yoga! Awesome. Mainly, predominantly be a little bit vegetarian, but also tends to eat meat from time to time. You know, monitors her. Vegetarian! You know. Okay.

And just a girl who's working towards just growing beautiful instead of growing old, you know. Independent! Wow. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Ladies, he's available. Are there any ladies in there that are constantly getting hotter while doing yoga that are into Jake Beckman?

I just want to know what Jake has to offer for all this perfectness you want out of a fucking woman. You grow pot, you have the sense of humor of a God, motherfucker. There's a lot of dick in those khakis. Sam Kennison. There's a lot of cargo in those

cargo pants. That's right. A lot of precious cargo down there. What do you keep in all those cargo pockets? Dick. Guns. I know it's not jokes. The sheriff's daughter's skin. My little bay pet. He sheriff's daughter's skin. My little vape pen. He'll wear it at night.

Oh, vape pen. Just cannabis accessories. This is essentially what I also wear. He's smoking human ashes! And he's gonna then complain about them. These ashes are too boring. Man. Yeah, just things that I need, man.

Whenever I get to the dispensary, they have a variety of things. They always hook you up with extra joints, so it's always good to have extra pockets for your extra joints. Pockets! Pockets! I don't... I cut the hair for my victims. I don't say this often to people,

but I'd like you to leave the building before I do. Can we do that? Is Curtis here? Is it possible to get him in? You might be the one person that gets Doug Benson to stop doing this. Doug will look at this and be like, you know what? Nobody needs this anymore. Imagine what I could do if I didn't smoke pot.

I gave him some ideas on his second super high me. Oh, really? I'm sure he really appreciated your feedback. Hopefully, by following your lead, his special can get taken down off iTunes as well. Hey, I've been taken down off more iTunes than you'll ever be taken down. I love that you're giving notes to people. You took it down yourself. Smart.

It was like a mercy killing. Okay, I get it. So let me ask you this. I'm still convinced, even though we could tell you're a little bit nuts from the girlfriend thing. What is the craziest thing you've ever done? Oh, God. Probably porn. What kind of porn?

You've done porn. Really? Is that true? You've done porn? You do porn? You've done porn. You're on through and wearing your best porn on Mac. Oh, yeah.

The best damn band in the land. We tried to warn you. Yuck, man. Jeremiah just spit on the VR360 camera. This party is fucking intense. Just kidding. You got to fight for your right. You got to fight for your right to do that right there.

You did porn. Yeah, for Reality Kings, Penthouse. Oh shit, you did hardcore porn. Wow. Hustler, all the mainstream stuff. How long did you do that for? I'd say I've been in 15 films. 15 films. What's your favorite?

Why aren't we talking about this on stage? This should be your stand-up. Before we get into that, what was your porno name? 15 films. What's your favorite? Why aren't we talking about this on stage? This should be your stand-up. Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. Before we get into that, what was your porno name? Jake Ariston. How do you spell that? A-R-I-S-T-O-N. I have a Twitter profile for my porn profile.

Jake Ariston. Jake Ariston. Look at the comedians turn up right now. Why does it just say... Why does it say... They cannot wait to watch this guy bury himself right now. Why does it say can suck his own dick? Wait, what? Horny Milk India? No.

Not that one? It's at Jake Ariston. It's my stage name. House Sitter and Teen? That's not me. No, Jake Ariston. At Jake Ariston. Wow.

Jake Ariston, the Jennifer Aniston of porn. I fucked Jennifer Aniston. No, that's not me. No. Jake Ariston. Jake Ariston to Jennifer Aniston at porn. I fucked Jennifer Aniston. No, that's Aniston. Boo, Jake. Yeah, that's supposed to be you. You did a video called MILF House Sitter and Teen Get It On With Brandy Love. Hit play on there.

Oh, okay. Alright, momvsteen.com for those of you listening to the podcast. We thought Kevin Mac's Instagram was exciting. I'm pretty sure we just found our new favorite Kill Tony guest ever. I knew there was something nuts about you. Look, he couldn't close the set there either. Wow, this is the sound of him getting his dick sucked, everybody.

Is that you? Is this you? Is that really him? Yeah. So for those of you listening to the podcast, the mom is teaching her daughter how to... Are they really a mother and daughter? Jake, is that you? Are they really a mother and daughter? Jake, is that you?

Are they really a mother and daughter? Your ball is migrating, dude. What's wrong with your ball? Oh, yeah. By the way, funnier than anything he said in his set right there. Biggest laugh he got all night. Wait, wait. You have to say what's happening. The teen is holding the dick for the mom

to suck it right now. This is the greatest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. So when the mom was sucking your dick, I mean, we've seen how critical you are of your skinny European, what you said, she has a beautiful face, slightly yellowing teeth, doesn't drink,

doesn't smoke, and doesn't drink enough. Right. So you're getting your dick sucked by a mom and a fake daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Take us through it. Well, I was really coming to this place to do comedy. I needed to do a side

hustle. Well, congratulations. With my side hustle, I was slinging jokes and banging hoes for cashy cash. Here, wait. Can we fast forward to the... By the way, there it is. The old switcheroo. There it is.

I just... There it is, the old switcheroo. There it is. I want to see his reel so badly. Look at him eat that pussy. Wow, you're eating that pussy good, man. Wow. Damn, I thought you ate shit on stage tonight, but now you're tossing her salad. It's incredible. You're like chuckle fuckers without the chuckle part.

I was making out with that clit until my tongue was fit, Tony. Wow, everything you say is not funny. Yeah, exactly. No! Can we get to the... Let's watch this guy bust a nut, Brian. Exactly.

Let's get to the good... He's totally just fucking show them show them you fucking show everybody what is happening right now we're making podcast history right now yep yep yep there it is

and just wow just like his comedy I just want to get to the end yeah And just Wow Just like his comedy I just want to get to the end Yeah Just now I know Now I know what's in those cargo shorts He's twisting it Oh wow you do the twist method

And you have to cup your own balls to come Nah I just need a fucking tight pussy Stop stop let's just take a moment You do the twist method, huh? You do the Indian burn thing. And you have to cup your own balls to cum? Nah, I just need a fucking tight pussy. Stop, stop. Let's just take a moment to acknowledge that exhale you just made before you started answering. Deep contemplation. Didn't want to talk about my porn. But it is true.

What's nuts is that that wasn't the most embarrassing thing he did on this stage. Exactly. What's nuts is... It was like one of the four Hitler jokes. I think really when it came down to it, I just really overcompensated and beat my dick into shape. And it really took a lot more effort for those girls to make me blow my load. You sound like a post-game... I had to finish the job myself. I just had to finish the job myself. So the question is, will you not again?

I want to get a job with a solid paycheck first, and then maybe that'll be my sign. How much did you get paid for banging two chicks at once? $500. Per chick? $500. $500 total? Yeah, $500 total.

You're talking about maybe being a pizza boy or something? That is the craziest thing you ever have done. Did it go towards your SAG insurance? What's the most you ever got paid for doing porn? 500. What's the lowest you ever got paid for doing porn? 300. And what did you have to hook up with 300 for it to be that low?

The girl was like, she was just also unknown talent and she just wasn't a big name yet. Wow, look who's talking. Wow. A lot of opinions from the old peanut gallery. For this guy to say unknown talent. Yeah, that's exactly what it was.

She was just new to the industry and it was just an amateur scene for the most part. For this guy to say Unknown Town is like Lil G saying she was short. Wait a second, wait a second. What's going on here? I'm sorry, I've moved on to the second, the sequel. Wait, can you turn up the volume on that? What a proper young lady you are.

I guess I was wrong. Not ten seconds I've gone and this is what you do? Great acting. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Is that me? Your mother is going to hear about this. And on top of it, you're having sex in her bed?

I can't believe you would do that, Jake Beckman. That's just good acting. It's just... Jake, one last question. Sure. Out of all the porno stuff that you did, what's the part that made you the most uncomfortable? I was only in scenes that was either me

and one chick or me and two chicks and me and three chicks, so I wasn't ever really uncomfortable. I was offered to do bukkakis, but I turned down the bukkakis. To take the bukkaki. No, to be one of the guys in, you know, the girls in the center and you just want You turned it down. I turned it down.

Why would you turn it down? Do you have standards or something? Yeah. That's exactly it. Because he doesn't want to demean the women with the yellow teeth. I'm a selfish lover and I do not want to share my women. I was working on my album. I was editing my album. All right, Jake.

There he goes. Jake Beckman, ladies and gentlemen. Jake Beckman. He was up here longer than I wanted him to be up here, but if it makes you feel any better, he really didn't want to talk about any of that porn stuff.

So we got him back in the end. So in the end, it was a happy ending for us. From the money shot to the funny shot. That's right. We have a young lady that performs a brand new 60 Seconds every single week. She started on this show years ago before she was even 21 years of age. Now she's all grown up. Two years and some change later.

Put your hands together for her. You know her, you love her. It's the great and powerful Ally Makovsky, everyone. Yikes. Oh, boy. I'm going to be binging that like it's Stranger Things. I did watch like five different pororns with the same person in it And it did feel like I was binging

Stranger things and I was like What happens in the woods Is anal the upside down I cut off all my hair And I'm so happy it's finally beanie season. No one has to make any rude-ass comments about my hair. I don't know, people react to my hair the same way they would an unplanned pregnancy. They're like, Allie, are you keeping it?

What are you going to do with it when it's full grown? Do you know whose it is? Okay. There you go. Brand new minute. Ali Makovsky. Another new minute. Great minute.

Yeah. Great minute, great jokes, great great premises and well executed and great presence boom that's how you do it for everybody who's looking and watching that is how you do it uh punky johnson i just i feel like you didn't want to tell the jokes you look bored telling your own jokes no that's just like generally my disposition i know but as a black comic if you want to get in touch with the black community, that's not going to work. Okay. I can cut that out.

And I'm not trying to down you because as a comic, I understand. I understand joke, premise, set up, all that bullshit. But if you want to get in touch with all your audience, if that's you, be you. But if I was just a regular black customer, I would be bored to death watching you. For sure. Yeah. Also, it's a minute, so it's hard to get into it and then raise the mood when it's, you know. So you'd be raising the mood?

Also, I normally don't follow porn stars. Sometimes musicians, but never porn stars. Star is a very broad description. Porn. That was filmed on a laptop. Porn meteor showers. Porn guy. She meant porn stars.

Oh, shit. Beasties! I don't know. I actually, I'll say this. You know, sometimes when I come in and see somebody selling it so fucking hard, my reaction is like, slow the fuck down. Calm down.

What are you compensating for? If you got good jokes and you can just stand up there with some strength and presence. I look at Gerard Carmichael. He never pushes it deep, deep, deep, go crazy. He is so calm and centered in that moment. Not everybody has to be that, but I'm saying. And some people with energy are great too.

I would give that to him. Absolutely, absolutely. But I don't necessarily think you have to. I think there's one more joke in the hair adoption. What was that? You're going to give it up for adoption, put it in a Hasidic Jew's wig, give it up to a Hasidic Jew for adoption, something like that. I don't know, a couple people like that.

Nice. Hey, Eminem, we just want to say you're welcome. Yeah. Allie, has anything happened in your real life, in your normal life this past week since we've seen you last? I saw DJ Khaled What? Yeah Holy moly

He's a poser Yeah His whole set was just him dancing really bad saying another one And then three seconds of his next song and then saying another one Wow Another one less! That was quick. People actually like him.

Yeah, people get fired up. I think so. Anyway, so what did you do there? That was it? Yeah, I was just watching musicians. Anything stand out to you? Anything stand out to me? No, no. It was just a concert. It was fun. I got turned

up. How do you get turned up? When you get turned up, what do you do? I shake my ass a lot. I run into people. I'm very selfish. You like mosh or something? I just like to get to the very front

and so I will do whatever it takes to be in front. You start using phrases like turnt up? Yeah, I say that a lot. But you can dance, girl. We be at the front bar. Man, this motherfucking bitch can dance, man. Throw a track on, Red Band.

Oh, shit. Dance, white bitch, dance. I can't, I can't, I can't. Let's see. Come on. I can't. Brian, what are you doing? Okay, that's enough.

What the fuck is that? She danced. You just catch me outside. How about that? Cash her outside. Cash me outside. Did you say cash outside? How about that?

There you go. Give an eye to the virus. Yo, what do your farts smell like? Wow, that's an interesting question. All right, beasties. Wow, interesting. Inquiring minds want to know. That is a good question.

Blow it in your own face. It's hard to, you know, it's not like wine. You can't be like, it has woody undertones, you know? It's just like, I had Taco Bell today, so that's what you're going to get. You should have had Project Taco. Sexy as hell! Thank you. All right, Allie, well, you did it.

Thanks, bye. Another brand new minute from Allie Makovsky. Another brand new minute from Ali Makovsky. Do you guys think we should go to the bucket one more time? Oh, yeah. I don't know why you guys always say that. One day I'm just waiting for the night in which everybody just holds strong at once. All right, cool.

Later, everybody. More porn. All right. I pulled another name out. I'm positive happened. Alright, cool. Later, everybody. More porn. Alright. I pulled another name out. This looks I'm positive this is a new name. Put your hands together for Lydia Gobrael. Hey, so I recently went on a date with a dude and he couldn't guess my ethnicity.

He's like, are you black? Are you white? I was like, I'll give you a few pointers. I'm from a country in Africa. It starts with an E, and it's considered the Middle East. And this dude called me Islam. So I went on a date with a dude that called me Islam. If you don't know the answer, I'm Egyptian. My mom's from Egypt, so is my dad. And one thing they do in Egypt is this thing called genital mutilation. They cut women's clits off.

So my mom had her clit cut off. All her sisters had their clits cut off. And then my mom came to the States and gave birth to me. And she's like, let's leave it on and see what happens. So I have my clit, y'all. All right. That have my clit, y'all. That's my 60s. She's like, fuck no. It's the old clit applause break. She got her clit, y'all.

Is that it? You done? Is that okay? Was that the end of the joke? Well, yeah, for now. You have your clit. Alright, there you go. She has her clit, Lydia Gobrial. How many seconds was that? That was 49. Oh, I talked too fast.

I'm sorry. It's okay. You talked too fast, but at least you still got your clit. Yeah. Maybe the clit made her talk too fast. You get rid of that clit. You slow it down a little bit. We measured your time in clits.

That was about 65 clits. Yeah, that's true. That measured your time in clits. That was about 65 clits. Yeah, that's true. That was a lot of clits. Actually, that was about 63 Egyptian clits. She was moving at a fast clit. Do you walk like in a clit, Shin? Do I? Uh-oh. It's a pyramid of clits.

You know this song. It's the You've Got a Clit song. All right. Yo, I heard backstage this girl've got a clit song. Yo, I heard backstage this girl's got a clit. It's true. But your mom doesn't? No, my mom doesn't. None of the women

from our family that came from Egypt have clits. Can I make a suggestion? You actually almost drew the connection because this guy called you Islam and you went out on a date with him and then you went

into this whole thing about how Egypt, which I was shocked to hear that Egyptians treat women terribly. Yeah. Just kidding. You went into a whole riff

about how they treat women like shit, but that explains why you went out on a date with a guy who fucked that up. So you're like, look, I out on a date with a guy who fucked that up so you're like look I went on a date with a guy who's racist but at least I got my clit

you know what I mean I think I was trying to get at the fact that like I I love my clit like I like I'm all about like I'm happy to have a clit so I guess you're all about the clit that doesn't relate to each other

Egypt like go like go at it. Like, when you think about Egypt, we've said this before. It's like Egypt, like, if it was a football game, they returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown. They had the Pythagorean theorem and the fucking pyramids. And then they've just been losing yards ever since. Ever since, you know what I mean? They've just been getting crushed.

So, like, I think you need to... You're starting to go for it, but... Punky Johnson. Let's get into it. I just want to know if your mom has ever had to talk with you about the clit. Has she ever told you, I don't have a clit, but this is what you need

to go out there and do with your clit. You got to do it for all of us. Has she shown you your clit? Has she shown you the fact that she don't have your clit. You got to do it for all of us. Has she shown you your clit? Has she shown you the fact that she don't have a clit and how much you need to appreciate your clit? Do you think she's living vicariously through your clit? I do do a bit on that.

That's the rest of it. All the women in your family are living vicariously through your clit. You have to carry the pleasure for every generation before you. I have sex for my mom. You do it for Egyptian women everywhere. It's not the Arab Spring. It's the Arab Autumn.

No, I have a lot of making up to do. And what do they do with the clits after they get rid of the clit? Yeah, Punky wants to know so she can eat the barrel. Where's the clit barrel, bitch? They put them in a sarcophagus. Yeah, that's right Yeah yeah And can you give me a visual

Of how a pussy with no clit looks Well I think So I haven't actually seen my mom's clit I found out inadvertently Because I know a lot of They still practice that in Egypt My mom said she got it done through a doctor. Like, her and all her sisters went to a doctor to have it done.

And it's kind of one of those things that they just always do in Egypt, and they keep doing it just because it's tradition. Wow. I have cousins that were born there recently, and they still have their clit. So she consented. She was really young. She gave consent.

No, her parents gave consent. This is more. She was like four or five. Wait, how old was your mama when she lost her phone? She was like, my mom, she had it done at like four or five. Oh, Lord Jesus. This is more perplexing than the Sphinx. I'm literally telling you that. You guys, okay.

I feel like I'm informing everyone, and it's very. It is. It's very educational. Some of us didn't even know what a clit was until moments ago. This is the front part of the lady's vagina. You gotta pull the lips back. It's right there.

That was adorable. We actually knew I was making a joke. No, no, no. That was good. You know! I googled searched Egyptian clit and one of the biggest porn searches is big Egyptian clits because the guys in Egypt probably never see a clit. Wow.

Okie dokie. Thank you, Brian. Okay, that's not going to translate. Do you understand what I said? Yeah. Well, I think you should prove it. Okay, Brian. Prove that you still got your clit, bitch.

All right, let's... Prove it right now! Do you have... Can you have orgasms both ways? Without a clit? This has gone really quickly. I realize that's a pretty extreme question. I can't imagine sex being that great without a clit.

And I think they just remove a lot of the extra skin. There's a hundred different ways you can have it cut down there. My mom has had the least invasive, so she has most of the sensation. A fade? But she... A lot of it, they take...

Yes, yes. She said just a little off the top. Just a little off the top. Did a black barber do it? They had the more, the less crazy. Do you call your clit the Sinai Peninsula? What? I don't know.

Very interesting. Very interesting thing. What's the overall thought in that? What's the reason? Other than tradition, like what was the original? Other than to keep women down. Yeah. It's to keep women from experiencing pleasure. Yeah, they didn't want women.

They don't want women to have pleasure or anything. So here you are doing stand-up comedy. Women living for the man. So you're doing stand-up comedy. You're basically going against everything. You're trying to get pleasure. You're trying to tickle life's clitoris. And I talk to my mom a lot about sex.

I do all of it. What the fuck she know? I know. Your mama don't know shit, bitch. What the fuck she know? Her clitoris ass. I have a fucking clitoris. I tell her, I'm like, Mom, I'm making you proud.

Don't even worry. So wait, but there are not groups of older Egyptian men that are psyched that you're doing stand-up comedy? Oh, hell no. Half of my family, they think it's a joke. Well, it is a joke. They want to cut your fucking clit off. Literally, if I went back to Egypt and did this shit, it'd probably happen. What do you do for a living?

I'm a special needs PE teacher. Wow. Wow, special needs physical education. No, I don't. I'm a PE teacher. Wow. Special needs physical education. No, I don't. I'm a PE teacher. Phys Ed special needs. Tony, I would say ger, but I guess I'll say der.

My goodness. Wow. What kind of games do special needs kids play in Phys Ed? Never ending dodgeball? I wish. So what kind of games do special needs kids play in phys ed? Well, right now. Never ending dodgeball? For the district.

I wish. For the district I work for. Find the Egyptian clit. We work closely with the special needs kids. Pin the tail on the Egyptian clit. Pin the clit on the Egyptian. That could be a good game, though. That could be a good game.

That's the word I need. He nailed it. Lion King. It took us a few minutes, but we got there. So the district I work for, we work closely with the Special Olympics, Southern California. So we do a lot of the... Oh, shit. Do you have some of the Olympians?

I mean, no. Some of the big Olympians? No, I'm not that great of a coach. Like Caitlyn Jenner? So did the guy call you Islam? That really did happen, yeah. And you dated him? You still went out with him? I hooked up that great of a coach. Like Caitlyn Jenner. So did the guy call you Islam? That really did happen. And you dated him? You still went out with him?

I hooked up with him a few times. You hooked up with him a few times after he called you Islam. What does that say about you? That's what you need to dig into and understand. You know what? That's why she did this. I think it starts with the mutilation of the clits and it comes down to you. But you're a beautiful woman.

Thank you. You can handle that. And these are, we're Jews. We support Israel. We'd like to push your country into the sea. No. Oh, that's you on us. That's you and every Arab nation around us.

I did educate him if it makes it any better. Well, good. What are your thoughts on male circumcision? Teach their own. Whatever you want. Okay. As long as nobody's fucking with your Gaza Strip, you really don't care, right?

I think it should be your own personal decision. If a girl wants to get her clit cut off, she should have that decision. Not until the age of consent, like 18. If a girl wants to go to Claire's. I don't know why any chick would want that. I'm just saying.

If a guy wants to circumcise his own dick, he can do that. But the parents choose that. What do you think about that? I don't think that's fair. I don't think a parent should make that. I think it's fair. How long have you been in America?

I was born and raised here. Oh, okay. How long have you been teaching special needs physical education? A little over three years. I never really got an answer as to some of the games or whatever that you guys actually play. So Special Olympics, right now we're doing soccer for the Special Olympics. Oh, okay. I'll finish up those games.

You mean Durker? She means kickball. We're doing soccer. What else do you like? What other hobbies do you have outside of this? I have two dogs I love the beach Damn, Tinder profile

There you go, folks Love to read Love the beach I have a clit Swipe left if you want a clit There you go Your Tinder name is Sensation Because you still have it.

Is that all your hair? This is really all. Oh, shit. That's real. You're going to do your scalp check? Come in and check your scalp, bitch. Oh, shit. The official scalp check from Punky Johnson.

That's real. That's real. That's beautiful. It's great hair. That's good hair. She got the good hair. Well, Lydia, I really want to thank you for sharing that very compelling and I'm serious, it was very educational

and I'm pretty sure it makes all of us appreciate having 100% of our private parts. So thank you for all of that and great performance. Thank you. Yes, Lydia. Lydia Gobrael. G-H-O-B-R-A-L.

Very fun. There you go. Ooh, P-R-I-L. Very fun. There you go. Ooh, Punky's not letting her go. Damn. Punky. Uh-oh. Damn. How about making some noise for the incredible drawing of Ryan J. E-Belt, ladies and gentlemen.

While you all sat there, he drew tonight's episode. He has something very, very, very, very, the most special thing ever coming out soon. Wow, that's awesome, dude. I can't wait to be able to talk about it, but that's big announcements coming on the Ryan J. E. Belt art front, on the Kill Tony live front. Big places coming up in 2018.

Ladies and gentlemen, Punky Johnson just made her Kill Tony panel debut. That's her first time on the show. Certainly will definitely not be her last. What else do you have going on, Punky? Anything you want to plug or Twitter or Instagram or website or something?

Just holla at me at Punky Johnson, P-U-N-K-I-E Johnson on every fucking thing and wish me luck. I'm filming something for something and something and something and something. Yeah. And let me tell you something. Tiffany Haddish has been a guest on this show four, five, six times. She was the Patriot once. I warned

you, if you go back to those episodes, I tell you throughout that that she's the future over and over and over and over and over again. Every single time I always made a point to. She's hosting Saturday Night Live in two weeks. This is your first time seeing Punky Johnson and I'm telling you, she's coming

for all of you. She's going to be a fucking star. One more time for Punky you, she's coming for all of you. She's going to be a fucking star. One more time for Punky. While she's still not too busy to do this show. The unbelievable two of my favorite comedians in the world, the great and powerful Sklar brothers, ladies and gentlemen. Two of our favorite guests ever. Thank you so much for coming out. Where are you guys going soon?

Thanks, buddy. We're going to be in Bloomington, Indiana this weekend at the Comedy Attic, one of the best rooms in the country. Love it. Be there this weekend. We'll be in Houston the next weekend at the Come and Take It Festival. Very cool. Doing a live podcast there.

We have our podcast, Dumb People Town, and Sports View from the Cheap Seats, which you'll be doing Dumb People Town for sure. Yes. We love it. This is one of our favorite things in the world to do is this show. I love it. Thank you for having us. And we love having you. The Sklar Brothers, ladies and gentlemen. This is one of our favorite things in the world to do is this show. I love it. Thank you for having us. And we love having you.

The Sklar brothers, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks, guys. Jeremiah Watkins had to take off a bit early. He is, I'll just let you guys take care of it. How about Pat Reagan, ladies and gentlemen, the band leader? Hey, check out our new album, Check Your Head. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Tony, I want to say Caleb from last week.

He's here. He was sleeping again during this whole episode. Hey, there he is. Caleb, the star of last week's show. Maybe we'll see him dozing off next week. He fell asleep early on in the show, and then at the end of the show made his comedic debut and actually had a really good set.

Boom. Follow me at Mostly Sorry. Thanks, guys. He's at Mostly Sorry. I'm at Tony Hinchcliffe. All those dates are at TonyHinchcliffe.com, Australia, La Jolla, and a great many things coming up. Brian Redband.

See you guys. Make some noise for Brian Redband, everybody. Josh Martin. Thank you so much. Have a great night Bye Go, go, go.