KILL TONY - KILL TONY #24

Episode Date: November 29, 2013

Benji Aflalo, Nick Youssef, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sara Mostajabi, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Brian Redban - Date: 11/11/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band. You're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Please subscribe to us on iTunes. Just open up iTunes, search for Death Squad, hit subscribe. That's all you have to do. And what it does is it helps us out because that's how you do the iTunes rankings. And I know a lot of you just don't do that anymore. But please subscribe to us. Even rate and review our show. Leave a comment. In the future, we're going to start going to the comments, I think, and reading some of them. So put some good comments in there, and we'll see what happens. Also, go to ShopSquad.TV. Again, ShopSquad.TV. The new sticker is up right now. This is a very limited edition sticker. This is a new sticker, and it's got a faded design, so it's pretty sweet. Like, I put it on the back of my car.

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Not only can you get all the podcasts, all the videos from all the podcasts and blah, blah, blah. You can also get our tour dates. And we have a huge, huge show coming up December 11th. We're going to be in San Jose, California at the San Jose improv. This is the comedy palace. If you've ever been there, it's this huge place. So we got to fill that up and that's, that's scary.

So please come check us out. December 11th, San Jose improv. It's a death squad, dirty show. And it's going to be me, Sam Tripoli, Brody Stevens.

And I'm going to have a couple of special guests that we're going to bring up there also. So check it out. Go to improv.com or deathsquad.tv for the tickets. All right? And don't forget, you can always go see Kill Tony, which is what you're listening to right now. Every Monday, we have Death Squad Monday at the Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. It starts at 8 o'clock with Kill Tony and followed by Ding Dong Show. Both shows are free, so go to

the Comedy Store's website or just show up. You know, Kill Tony's been pretty packed lately, so you might want to reserve your free tickets at the Comedy Store's website. Anyways, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Store. How are you guys doing today? This is a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah! It still takes me five minutes to get to the seat. Hi, everybody. Hi, everybody. Yeah, there you go. It's a real live audience, everyone. Kill Tony number 24.

Are you guys excited or what? I was just in Toronto, Canada all week at the Dark Comedy Fest and I had hundreds of people come up to me talking about Kill Tony and it's so exciting. So thank you Toronto for an amazing week. Special shout out

to Tyler and Stacy, this super Kill Tony couple. Stacy, huh? out to um tyler and stacy this super kill tony couple um stacy that that note that they know everything and they get it wearing the hinge cliff shirt sitting in the front row they had me sign a quentin tarantino eight disc fucking dvd set that was sweet they They get me. Special shout out. First ever shout out. Took 24 episodes for me to say a stranger's name on this show. Tyler and Stacey, that one's for you.

I'm so glad to be back in LA. Flew for eight hours today, which was a devastating blow, but then I got to go home and eat some delicious vegan food. Here we go. What was his name oh you son of a bitch brian i'm sorry i haven't been able to do this for a week i missed it it's it don't you're not

allowed to leave me anymore i know and it's not the same without you by the way i'm like on this i'm all trained to hang out with red band on the road now we've been touring so much so now i'm in toronto by myself which normally is fine but now when like shows end and every everybody leaves and i'm done talking to you know audience members or i still feel weird saying that i have fans it's so creepy to me i guess you work for it for years and then when it happens it's just you feel weird saying it because it sounds braggy or something yeah does it sound braggy yeah how does it feel when i say it anybody say anything right now sounds like does it yeah but you're but you're saying no so you said that and no so you immediately shake your head no So how does it really feel when I say it?

Does it make sense? Yeah. Anyway, who gives a shit? You guys... You worked for it. This microphone's fucking weird. Did you put something on this? No. It's like wet and weird.

Well, Josh probably did a mic check. Oh, yeah. Test, test, test. I want Josh to be like an announcer of some kind. I wish we could just like... Maybe... I don't know. We'll talk about it. I want Josh to be like an announcer of some kind. I wish we could just like, I maybe, I don't know. We'll talk about it,

but I think it'd be so funny if like he brought us up because he has a speech impediment, right? It's pretty funny. Welcome to another episode 24 of kill Tony. Josh, come up here real quick. Pick your hands together for associate producer of the show.

He's been with us since episode one. Josh, give me an example of how you would announce us if you just stood there in the beginning while we came in behind you. This is a lot of pressure. Just fucking do it. Check. One, two, check.

Okay. I would do that first. Give the announcement. Welcome, everyone, to Kill Tony, episode 24. And then that's when you clap. Okay, so then you would say our names. Do I have to say his name, though? Yes, you have to say his name.

Josh has a little trouble with ours. I want you to say my correct German name, not my fake stagefag name. Yeah, he has trouble with L's, too. Weichel? Weichel sounds Jewish. I like that. Weichel. Weichel sounds Jewish. I like that. Weichel. Jesus Christ is here in the back of the room. How dare you not announce

the resurrection. Give up for the resurrection of your favorite Jesus Christ. Alright, Josh. Go make sure everything works out. Josh keeps it up.

Yes, that is Josh's fucking intro and outro music. And he didn't even announce that famous adult film star Missy Martinez is in the front row. What? I was wondering what this awesomeness was. I'm like, this is just too good to be true but now it all makes sense welcome to the show thanks for coming out fuck yeah looking great and as always how dare we

not mention our head of security ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for the one and only Iron Patriot Iron Patriot making sure wow One and only Iron Patriot. Iron Patriot. Making sure. Wow. Stronger than ever. Yes.

It's great to be here with you on Veterans Day, Tony. Oh, yes. It was on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month that World War I ended. And that's why we do it on November 11th for Veterans Day. And this holiday is celebrated as Armistice Day in Europe. And in Canada, it's Remembrance Day. Also in the other Commonwealth nations, too, it's Remembrance Day. But this is a very important day, Tony.

I can tell because your hand's shaking. Yeah, you're twitching like crazy. Oh, Josh! Josh, you've got to fix his hat. His hat fell off. Put your hands together for Josh Martin again. For some reason, the Patriots are wearing a...

Well, it looks like a plastic fedora to me. What is it? plastic fedora to me. Yeah, it's kind of small. I wish I had a bigger one, but I had to do the best I could. Tony, there's something I want to talk to you about. What is it? Saturday night, I noticed there was a tweet from my good friend,

Toronto Batman. And he said that he was opening up for you and Brody in a comedy show. Yes. Now, that is the guy I was telling you about that five years ago

when the military guy attacked me and my old Iron Man and knocked me down. He's the guy that chased down the guy and got the cops involved and then I ended up getting a thousand dollars, but I owe him a lot. He's a very, I don't know if you talked to him. I don't remember

that story. I did not talk to him about you. Did you talk to him at all though? Did you meet him? Yes, he was unbearable. Yeah, he likes to stay in here. I mean this guy was unbearable. Yeah, he likes to stay in here. I mean, this guy was unbearable. I was looking forward to this Saturday show that I had with Brody Stevens. I did a comedy festival, so you have different shows every night.

And one night was a podcast, me and Mike Lawrence from New York. Very funny comedian. If you're not following him, at Mike Lawrence on Twitter. Got to make friends with him this week. But he doesn't drink and smoke. You know what I mean? So I was missing my fucking little munchkin here. But Mike Lawrence and I had a great time.

We interviewed the Iron Patriot. We just had a sit down, the three of us for a podcast that ended up not getting recorded because there was nobody there to record. Where were you? And you're left and right. So I did the podcast on Tuesday. Then we did a chic roast on Wednesday with Gilbert and everybody.

And then another chic roast on Thursday just outside of Toronto. And then Friday or whatever it was, I finally got to do stand-up again. Having three nights off of doing stand-up for me is like crazy. Even though I was roasting and doing podcasts or whatever. I mean, every Monday, even after this show, I go right downstairs and do a spot and get it out of my system. But anyway, so I finally was there to do stand-up, and then I go to the green room. Brody went to get a Red Bull, so I'm excited to be back at this awesome club, the Comedy

Underground, also known as Clandestiny in Toronto. And I get in the green room, so excited, and then that guy starts annoying the dog shit out of me. I mean, Toronto Batman. So he comes here and he dresses like Batman sometimes. Yeah, he sometimes stays in character and he can kind of confuse you. He was unbearable. But see, this is what happened. See, when I met him five years ago, he was just on the boulevard like me.

But a year and a half ago, he made this video called Batman's Night Out that has like two million views. Yeah, he told me about it. When I asked him what his name was, his response was, I have viral videos on YouTube. So when I say this guy was unbearable, just know that that's what I'm talking about.

I'm talking un-fucking-bearable. He did a decent job on stage, but then Brody met him, and he burnt a bridge with Brody immediately. Like, this is the kind... I mean, when I say un-bearable, I mean un-fucking-bearable. The first thing he did with Brody,

Brody's like, uh, hey, hello, nice to meet you. Yes, oh, you're opening? Okay, nice to meet you. He's like, yeah, let's do a vine. He already had his vine out while he was meeting Brody. Brody's like, stop, let's do a vine. He already had his vine out while he was meeting Brody. Brody's like, stop, stop it.

Not happening. That's not how you introduce yourself. You don't just start vining me. Who are you? How dare you? So it was like a, I heard that from from i was just outside the green room door and i started hearing brody furious so i'm like what the fuck's going on tony get this guy away from me after i had all that shit with him so this is your friend in toronto the one unbearable

fucking human being i could have been there I probably could have settled everyone down because he is a good guy. He really is. Well, hopefully we'll take Kill Tony to Toronto. I mean, so many fucking people were talking with me about it. And I told them all, that's always part of what I say is, I refuse to take Kill Tony on the road without you, Patriots. Yes, yes. I'm looking forward to some road trips, Tony.

Fuck yeah. All right, so what's the song that you sent us? This is Mailman. And they've already did the video on this. I know you guys have heard the song, but... No, we haven't. What are you talking about? I think this is one of his first ones. Well, I mean, this was played...

The video was played before, but this is a different recording of the song that was done two years later. This is a little bit more clean. Now, I always notice... You've been sending in a song every week now, pretty much. Yeah, yeah. And I have no idea why.

But I always notice that these songs have your actual voice in the recording, and then you sort of sing with it with your robot voice. But they really sound the same. Yeah, because me. Well, it's like I could have. That's simple math. Well, it's like I could have... That's simple math. Well, thanks a lot, Patriot. You know, I could have...

I mean, I guess I could have made karaoke versions out of them and took the vocals off, but there's all this neat background vocals that kind of make it bigger, so I just decided to go that way. Let's fucking do it. And how long is this one? 3.33.

Just as long as Red Band wants to do it. Well, I mean, will you signal to us at the end when it's enough? I mean, we can't do 3.33. Because every time you do one of these songs, at about a minute 20 seconds, I start making a noose out of the extra wiring over here. It's always like the same. All the verses are the same, and there's like seven of the same choruses. So three minutes and 33

seconds. It's not like it's fucking Pink Floyd where you can sit there and listen to it. Dirty Crabber is better than Crash Test Dummies. I swear to God, you ever say that again, I will break my hand on your suit. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah. I don't know about that I don't know if Dirty Crabber beat the Crash Test Dummies who won a fucking Grammy by the way Patriots why don't you just slow your roll I got a lot of songs I only got one I got a lot of them what did he say

I got a lot of songs say copper it's me don't you see my plastic fedora? All right, so let's hear this. Let's see if this is better than the crash test dummies. Yeah. All right.

Oh, everything is so much better when I do it right I'm working out in every weather, I'm blowing like a kite I'm loading up my mail truck That's how I do it right I'm going through your neighborhood I'm gonna get you high So high Rain, sleet, or snow I'm just a mailman Rain, sleet, or snow

Rain, sleet, or snow I'm just a mailman Rain, sleet, or snow That'm just a mailman Rain, sleet or snow That's only 50 seconds, by the way. I got a first class letter, I'm gonna seal it tight I put it in your mailbox, that's how I do it right I'm loading up my mail truck, rain, sle see the snow. Rain, see the snow. I'm just a mailman rain, see the snow.

There we go. Gave it up for the Iron Patriot. Coming in at one minute, 50 seconds. One minute, 45 seconds in. By the way, one minute, 45 seconds in. The remaining was one minute and 49 seconds. We weren't even halfway through that song.

You know what that song needs, though, if you were going to do that long of a song? It needs a part where all the music goes away. Maybe it's just a saxophone, and then you have this really long beautiful chorus of just you. Oh, yeah, yeah.

They need to put that in a film or a commercial. If anybody wants to use that, that song is on iTunes. If you guys want to buy it, you look Dirty Crabber on iTunes. There we go. You go there, you get it for 99 cents, you got it on your iTunes, ready to play. Yeah, we know how iTunes works, Patriot. Once you download it, then you have it,

and then you can play it. Yeah, you get up in the morning, it'll get you going in the day. There's somebody over in Ireland that says they start their day every morning with that song to get them going. I promise you I'm going to buy that, by the way. Who told you that they start every day with that song? Some girl across the ocean, and I think she's in Ireland. She's across the ocean. She fell in love with that song.

I even sent it to her in an email. So she'd have it. She says it puts her in a good mood. And that good mood continues through the whole day. So you guys try it. If you want the mailman, it'll get you going. What are you going to do when they stop the post-op? I mean, there's almost no more mailmen.

They're about to end that whole thing because paper mail is pointless. I said this song would work great in movies. So they'll always be they're about to end that whole thing because paper mail is pointless. I said this song would work great in movies, so they'll always be making movies about the old days, so put it in there. Wow, your arm twitched a lot after that one. For those of you that don't know, when the Patriot gets nervous or says something

silly, his arm twitches. Can you turn off the AC? Thank you. One more time for Josh Martin. Seventh applause break tonight. When you're a vegan, you get cold and you don't have your man blanket around you,

you have to turn off the air conditioning. You son of a bitch. Why do you do this? I get punished for eating healthy. You're the one that puts meat in your mouth. Doesn't that make you gayer than me? No. I mean, I never put meat

in my mouth. Penis is a meat. That makes you gayer than me. How do you like that? I just flipped that shit on you. Meat mouth. Yeah, what are you going to say, meat mouth? Fuck yeah. Kill Tony 24, everybody.

And we have two guests as always. You guys ready to meet them or what? Meet. You ready to put the meat in meet our guests? Fuck yes. Well, the first guy that I'm going to bring up, he is a writer on Comedy Central's The Burn. He is a Comedy Central roast writer. Him and I started stand-up comedy together.

He's the first ever guest in Kill Tony history to be on for a third time. One of my best pals. Put your hands together for Benji Aflalo. His third appearance. Also, television writer. Extraordinaire. Social media guru. Another. regular, Tours with Bobby Lee, super funny friend of mine for years, Nick Yusef is here for his first time, finally.

He's available. He's got amazing hair. He's a great looking guy. He does an impression of me. I am Tony Hinchcliffe. I'm also sick, so it's not as good. Yeah, he's a little bit under the weather. Benji, I heard you might be a little bit sick too.

Also a little under the weather. You know, had some showbiz stuff to do outside doing a shoot. Immune system can't hang. Wow. Super Jewish. Yes, I only get sick on set. Fuck yeah. So you guys do anything crazy this week?

You were in Austin? I was in Austin, Texas at Fun Fun Fun Fest. Wow. I had the best time ever. I slept with a girl from Tinder, and I really, really like her. Fuck yeah. It was my first hookup on Tinder. She was really great.

I really got along with her great. That is so cool. How long did the courting process take? The courting process? Like you like each other, and then how long did you talk before? It was like, hey, come meet me somewhere. She actually invited me to her house that night. So I was like, whoa, am I getting catfished?

What kind of girl is just inviting a stranger to her house? I thought there were going to be hoodlums there ready to take me to an ATM at gunpoint and ask for my PIN number. So I became her Facebook friend. I asked for some photographic evidence of what she told me. She was like, I'm cooking brownies. I'm like, send me a picture of you and the brownies.

Right, and today's newspaper. So everything matched up. And then I was like, all right, fine, I'll come to your house. And then she was like, eh, you missed your window. Right. So then the next morning I was like, alright, fine, I'll come to your house. And then she was like, eh, you missed your window. Right? So then the next morning I was like, we gotta hang out tonight otherwise you're gonna break my heart here. Right. And so we hung out

we got along great. Did you eat the brownies? I never got the brownies. She said if I was willing to come over, I could have a brownie but I was like, no, you're just coming to the house. Did you eat her pussy? I mean... First night. What, you're not sure? I like her. It was like around that area.

There's some ladies here. Ladies, is that too much disclosure for a guy you're dating who you like? You already said that you hooked up with her on one night off of Tinder. I'll let you guys make your assumptions. Let's just say it's the only thing I'm good at. Yeah. We'll say that.

Fuck yeah. Who needs brownies when you can go to townies? Do you know there's this app? This is horrible. It's called Lulu. Have you heard of it? It's the devil. I've spent the last two days trying to hack my Facebook. Make fake Facebook accounts and it won't let me through.

You can only start it if you're a woman. It reviews sex of guys. accounts and it won't let me through you can only uh start it if you're a woman yeah and it reviews sex of guys so like you look up your name and there's like three reviews of three different girls that have fucked you and it goes through like oh yeah this person is really uh you know has a depression problems or this person's dick is small and there's a few comics that i looked up that with like 10 reviews they're on the front page when you go to this app. It's just like, coming in at number two, blah, blah, don't want

to say their name. It's like Yelp review for dick. Wow. That's insane. L-U-L-U. It's really taking off. Hell yeah. It's about to. This lady sounds like she's at a lot of dick.

She's ready to review We've been looking for a guy version It just hasn't caught on Because guys aren't that fucking cruel That's true We have more respect for women than women have for us I wouldn't be like her pussy sucks online That's so rude

Every girl would be like his dick is this and that The guy version would literally be like she fucked me or she didn't fuck me And then that's it There's two boxes to check The lewd thing literally be like She fucked me or she didn't fuck me And then that's it There's two boxes to check The Lulu thing probably has money He told me he was going to take me to dinner But then he took me to Applebee's So it's like fuck this guy

I can just picture it right A lot of them were like emotionally unavailable It's just really like sappy stuff I looked up the Iron Patriot To see if there was anything on there. There was one review and it was in black and white. Rain, sleet, or snow. Nick, I want to say something to you. Today, I discovered something about you.

I didn't know that you do a podcast with Kevin Christie called Occasionally Awesome. That is correct. I was checking out episode 8, and you guys, it was a trip to the art museum. Seamless plug. Keep going.

Very interesting. Very interesting. Benji, today, I was talking about... Wait, that was it? That they went to an art museum? He just acknowledged that it exists. No, go on, Nick. What did you want to say, Nick? Oh, no, I was just going, and, and then you're like, just acknowledged that it exists. It's like a summary. No, go on, Nick. What did you want to say, Nick?

Oh, no, I was just going and, and then you're like, and then that's it. No, no, I saw a lot of things about you, but what just came to mind was Benji. You went to school in New York. What was it like living up there? I love New York. It was great.

I think everyone should go to college there. It's just a great place to go to school. Where do you keep the four-year-old that writes your questions, Patriot? Is that under your staircase? No, but I mean, that's good. A lot of people probably don't know about that podcast, and I thought it was interesting. Kevin really goes back with art. I mean, he went to a prestigious art school and stuff.

I didn't realize that about him. And I know absolutely nothing about it. Yeah, that's what was interesting. He just taught me. Fuck, yeah. Very good, Patriot. His awkward pauses are amazing. He just stares at me with those energy-saving light bulbs.

All that you hear is his arm twitching. Hey, Iron Patriot, this one time I went online and I saw that you have tweets. Oh, yes, I do. He's like, wow, this Benji, he's a professional. I'm just teasing.

Have you been seeing all my Easter eggs? Yes. You know what? I want to talk about that. Patriot tweets from the at comic Patriot account. And for those of you that don't know, when he's not on Monday night being the Iron Patriot here on Kill Tony, And for those of you that don't know, when he's not on Monday night being the Iron Patriot here on Kill Tony, one of his day jobs is he's an extra. And he gets a shit ton of work.

So one of the funniest things, if you ever check his Twitter account, at Comic Patriot, is that you'll see him in the background of like Two and a Half Men, The Office, Parks and Rec. I mean every major show. Yeah, I just put one on of Big Bang Theory and Shameless, and I had one of Glee. It's been pretty fun, and people seem to be enjoying it. They like to try to see if they can find me, and Red Band got me off on this thing saying they're like Easter eggs. Hey, Josh, can you pick up all the credits that the Patriot just

dropped? Jesus, Patriot. What are you? You're like a robot of IMDB right now. Well, I'll tell you. All these bitches in LA want to get famous. That's all they care about. I'm one of those bitches, too.

I want to get famous. Then you shouldn't take extra work. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. I'm making a big sacrifice for this show because I've been missing out on a lot of work because I can't work on Mondays anymore. And sometimes there's two-day calls and three-day calls.

But I know Tony appreciates it. I'm having a good time here. I haven't been doing as many jobs this year as I usually do. Patriot, I love you, but you know that extra work is looked down upon. They had a whole show on HBO about extras and how they're losers. I know, but that's why Red Band got me looking at it. It's like a funny thing. Yeah, you've got to take lemonade and put it in your lemon.

Believe me, I know. I know I'd much rather have speaking lines, believe me. But I'm got to take lemonade and put it in your lemon. Believe me, I know. I know I'd much rather have speaking lines, believe me, but I'm trying to make the best of it. It's pretty funny. You know, and I think I've seen a lot of behind the scenes. You really got to check out these tweets of him talking about being an extra. It is

so fucking funny because you see his head in the background of all these amazing television shows. You see the Dexter? The Dexter one's the best. Dexter's about to put some meat on the grill and he's just standing next to Dexter with a plate of meat. Well, that wasn't actually Dexter. I wish I could have got it.

He was in that scene, but that was another actor. I was right there on the set with him. Actually, that guy, Michael Anthony, he got mad at me because I grabbed a drink off a tray. But, yeah, he was right there in that scene. You grabbed a drink off of the tray?

Yeah, at the wrong time or something. Yeah, he's got – Tell me about it. How do you feel that – Whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened there? It's just I was, like, walking, and I grabbed a drink off something I wasn't supposed to. He was standing there next to a tray or something.

And I saw his dark side, you know, because you're all excited to be on the set with these stars. But they're there to get things done. They don't give a shit about you. It's called working. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So do you force your way into the camera shot as an extra? Do you make it a point?

Well, I'll try to look for the camera. There's a lot of things I can't even find that I've been on. I've been trying to search for them and stuff. Yeah, it's... How do you feel that your theatrical reel is a silent film? You know,

yeah, it is, but something you guys, I don't know if you guys know about this, have you heard of the famous extra named Jesse Hyman? Of course we haven't. Okay, this guy, remember in the Super Bowl? Wait, listen, listen. This guy is really extremely famous. He was in that Super Bowl.

He's not really extremely famous. Do you know what famous means? Before we go on, just listen one second. You know the Super Bowl commercial where he kissed that model by Raffaele? You guys know this. And Danica Patrick was in it. My God. He put a video on YouTube.

He got millions of watches. People know. It was on a Super Bowl commercial. You guys watched the Super Bowl, didn't you? Can you define famous? The worst. Well, I mean, there's a lot of different levels. Yeah, he's not George Clooney famous.

But this dude is. I mean, you guys saw the Super Bowl, didn't you? Am I the only one who watched the Super Bowl? No, we saw the Super Bowl. No, we did not. And unless he was... I know Joe Rogan and Red Band don't care, but everybody else, you watched the Super Bowl, right?

That commercial where he kissed that ugly... The guy with the jufo, the fat kid. Whoa. He kissed the girl, Barra Raffialli. And it was on Danica Patrick. He's a famous actor. That's enough, Patriot.

You're out of control. Ah, you know what I'm talking about. You're trying to make me look stupid, Tony.

Nobody knows why. Only you would get excited about a famous actor. No, I'm talking about this is a

big story. I was on a CBS special they did about this dude. I mean, it was, you don big story. I was on a CBS special they did about this dude. I mean, it was... You don't understand. It was like when...

He's so sad. If I had the internet in front of me, I could show you what I'm talking about. I don't have a way to... Even if you showed us, we'd still have no idea what you're talking about. How do we summon those reactions from him all the time? We'll fine tune it.

Oh, you don't get it. Oh, Tony, I want to come over there and shoot you. Yeah, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. It's like when I tried to explain to you that a lot of people were upset when they changed the comic book Patriot into the movie for Iron Patriot. That's enough. A lot of people are upset about that. You don't understand it. That is enough. You are out of control. You are overstepping your

boundaries. You ever see Andy Richter talk over Conan O'Brien, huh? It ain't fucking happening, Patriot. And it ain't happening here. You are making me turn into a dinosaur right now. I better get my Christmas bonus this year, Tony. right now. I better get my Christmas bonus this year, Tony.

You guys ready to get this show started or what? Once again, we have about 30 comedians that I've all signed up to do just one minute and get talked to by myself and my amazing panel of comedic friends. And once in a while even the Patriot chimes in. It's a very exciting episode. We have a very special announcement at the end of tonight's episode, which I'm very, very excited

about. And you know how it goes. Everybody does one minute. At one minute, you will hear the meow of a kitty. That's how you'll know that your time is up. Now, in comedy, you can't run the light, and the same thing goes here. If you run that kitty cat sound,

you're going to get the angry West Hollywood bear, who is angrier than ever tonight, and obviously can't wait to come out. I'm so excited. I'm so excited to have you guys with me. You guys ready to get this thing started? Yes. Nick Yousef, Benji Aflalo, Patriot, Red

Band, and Hinchcliffe. And our first comedian tonight doing a minute and then perhaps getting their material punched up. Maybe we're just going to talk to them. Maybe we'll figure out a new joke, something better for them to talk about, something different.

Let's talk to and see the comedy of Rebecca Rose Venagio. Venago, Venago. Rebecca Rose Venago. Venagra. Gotcha. Bad handwriting. Hello.

So I am such a fucking guy. I mean, I'm really feminine, but sometimes I'm just such a prick. Growing up with three older brothers definitely toughened me out slash emotionally scarred me for life. I was taped to a hockey net from 93 to 94. So life has definitely slapped me in the face a couple times.

Also some other places. So those brothers, one of them actually, he, yeah. So, those brothers, they, uh, one of them actually, he's crazy. Um, anyways. What is that, no mind joke? Um, so, I, I actually, I have a lot of guy friends, and

I, um, which all of them are pretty much intimidated by me, probably because they think that my dick is way bigger than theirs. I don't get a lot of dick pics, but I did get one recently, and I was like, oh, no, Cody, I show you the fucking cock. That bear was quick. Sometimes, I mean, he goes in a cage for a week at a time,

and then he comes hey wait Rebecca Rebecca Rebecca get back up here you don't get to go is it Vinagra Vinagro Vinagro Bobby Melville called me Vinagro how long have you been doing stand up

I just started so how many spots have you done have you done? Have you ever been on stage before? Yeah, like five. Okay, that's cool. Did you just move to LA or have you been here a while? Two years.

Have you always wanted to do stand-up? You know. That sounds like a no. Sounds like you're really chasing your dreams. No, I... It sounds like she's on her fourth dream right now. I kind of just got into it recently, and I really enjoy it. I didn't know that I liked writing that much.

I kind of got away from it. What makes your brother so crazy? It felt like you were going to get into something, but then you didn't. So I feel like I'm just noticing that you mentioned that, and it seemed like there was a lot behind it, but then you said anyways, so you got away from it. So what's so crazy about your brother?

Well, okay. So yeah, he used to just torture the living shit out of me. Right. Like how? What did he do? Okay, so I was adopted and when I was like eight I'm an orphan.

Just kidding. So when I was eight, my brothers and sisters. He made up this song for me called the Rebecca Rap. And it goes, Rebecca, Rebecca Rap. Sometimes we wish we could return her back. Oh, my God. Wow. Whoa. Where's he at now?

Hilarious. So I was like Well Uh Y'all just mad Cause I ate your bologna I'm not an orphan anymore I'm your sister Homie Just buy some more bologna

You ate his bologna Wait you ate your Did you ever Mess around Cause he's not related Did you ever mess around With your brother Is there any funny stuff there?

Why? Is this considered Punch up right now? Is this how they're improving? Well, we did take a trip to Alabama once. That's actually a good joke. I fucked my brother. It's cool. I'm adopted. That is, actually. That is really funny.

And that's a great way to getting into being adopted. Yeah. That's a great opener in general. Which you definitely should be acknowledging because that's, you know, one of the main things is trying to figure out how we're all different. There's no doubt that you could be like the adopted comic.

Yeah. The adopted incest comic. Yeah. That fucked her brother. It's funny that you got taped to the hockey net between 93 and 94. That was a highlight.

But then you say you got slapped in the face and then you say you got slapped other places. What did you mean by other places? Did you like those other places being slapped? Oh my god. Brian, will you put your boner away for 10 seconds? I fucked my brother.

You're a cute girl. When you say I'm a guy, the first thing I'm like is you're not a guy. That's like a thing. You're a cute girl when you say I'm like a guy. The first thing I'm like is you're not a guy. Right. That's like a thing. You're cute. So that's like the cute girl being like, I'm such a guy. It's like, all right. Yeah, it's a bad way to do self-deprecation because until that point,

we don't know what you mean by that. And it is a first impression. You could even just get right, you know, you could get right into, I had sex with my brother. Like, that's such a funny opener. So, one day I was smoking meth with Janet and then I had sex with my brother. Where are you from? You smoke meth? No.

Oh, I'm from Boston. Wow. I don't smoke meth because I'm from Boston. Wow. Don't smoke meth. Like currently? I like my teeth. So you don't act like a guy, you're just a girl from Boston. Yeah.

Right. That's how every girl from Boston is. You're so on to me. You don't have the Boston accent, though. You don't have that disgusting, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible. I don't want to have sex with me. Horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible. What do you know about your biological parents? Is that Marino? Oh, it's another Bostonian.

Andrew Thimble is. I could tell there's a Boston cackle in the back. I'm like, who the fuck? That's how they laugh, the guys. That's a different thing. I could hear it. I thought you were a merino. I just know what they look like, I guess, and how old they are. Well, congratulations, Rebecca.

I think you've just been hit with a magic spell. For five times on stage, that's really good. And you have some promising premises. Nick, anything else for Rebecca? Do you have, like, stage experience other than the five times doing comedy? Theater, stripping. Yeah, I used to do a little theater. I'm an actor, too, but I just started out here.

Yeah, you seem comfortable. I'd project more. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, you're a little quiet. Oh, sorry. And you smack your lips. And move the mic stand.

Not now. But when you take the mic out. Move it to the left. Or behind you. Behind you is the best. Not really to this side. Inside you is the best. Tony lied.

It must disappear. There you go. And you want that to disappear Tony lied. Must disappear. There you go. And you want that to disappear until you're done and then you pull it back up and then you put the mic in the mic stand. And you lick it off.

Could you practice that part now? Yeah. Practice that part. Lick it off. And then say, thank you, that's my time. I'm Rebecca. Thank you, that's my time.

I'm Rebecca. There she goes, everybody. At RebeccaRoseV on Twitter. Follow me. RebeccaRoseVanagra. And I would definitely, before you, whatever, first thing tomorrow I would write a joke off of your last name because people will always say that wrong.

They will never say that correctly. Vanagra? How do you say it? Vanagra. Vanag wrong. They will never say that correctly. Vinagra? How do you say it? Vinagro. Yeah. Yeah. Just change it to Rebecca Viagra. I would say don't do that. Yeah, definitely

don't. Vinagro. Or V, Rebecca V. Vinagro. It sounds like an old world racial slur. Yeah. Hey, it's a Vinagroro Or just a Boston racial slur All these Venagros running around the neighborhood One of them stole my bicycle the other day You almost got a lap full of Crown Royal

Oh, that's the part where you go Oh, by the way, you laugh at the first part When the stereo, alright Patriot, what do you think about Rebecca? Oh, that's the part where you go, oh, by the way, you laugh at the first part when the stereo. All right. Patriot, what do you think about Rebecca? I think you guys covered it pretty well. You said about everything that needed to be said. Patriot, do you think it's bad if you're adopted and you sleep with your brother?

That could be questionable. Yeah, this is a guy who got his dick sucked by his cocker spaniel. I told you I left my bestiality days behind me, Tony. That's comforting. That's because he likes his asshole eaten out. So, no relation, no blood, but dog, fine. Let me ask you guys a question. When you started out, do you remember what you were talking about, like your first set?

I was talking about being an 18-year-old. Wow. That's literally all I had to offer. When you're 18, you're doing nothing but being an 18 year old wow that's great that you had the the knowledge to give that perspective though i mean that's fucking great because i had literally no other knowledge right it's like what what else am i besides an 18-year-old? And that was it. Just out of high school. I would do a joke about how great my knees were and how they didn't make any creaking sounds and point at older people.

And older back then was like 25. That's hilarious. When I did my first set here at the open mic, I went on, and literally three minutes was just about being a teenager, being 18. And Ari Shafir comes up to me and he goes, dude, are you really 18 years old? I'm like, yeah, thinking like, here's my shot. I'm going to get brought right in the club. He goes, wow, because it's 21 and over here.

You're going to have to go. Walks me right out the door. God, that is so fucking Ari Shafir. And for three fucking years, I would have to wait outside before I went on, and then he would like, if it was cold or rainy,

I would walk into the stairway in the OR, and he's like, you see that threshold right there? You can't, that's for 21 and over. You're gonna have to go on the other side. For three't. That's for 21 and over. You're going to have to go on the other side for three years. That is so hard. And then he helped me get a job

here, so I don't hate him. He'll flip on you. It's almost good to have him against you for a bit, because he's a solid friend. How about Benji? What were you talking about in the beginning? Still doing the same stuff, pretty much. Just like silly one-liners.

Stuff like that. You remember one that you would never do again that you did back then that you were sort of embarrassed about maybe? I used to have a joke where I would say, I'm a Metro conservative, which means I trim my pubes and I have no compassion. That's

hilarious. Why don't you do that? That's the one you're embarrassed about? Because Metro jokes like two years after I started became hacks. Because every hack does the like, what's up with Metro's sexual arts? Real guys are like this and girls are like this. It's like so. No one wants to hear that.

Or at least I don't want to hear myself. You guys ready for your next comedian or what? Let's do it. Rebecca Rose. Venagra. Next one is Skylar. Oh, shit. It's Skylar.

She's coming. The song is Unknown Brothers by the Black Keys. It's a packed crowd. Thank you guys for all being here, by the way. How exciting. Skylar. All right. So I wrote this next set because I needed more gay jokes.

So I was driving my car, and then it broke down, pulled to the side of the road, and I decided to fill my tranny. But then I decided to wear a condom. And I was talking to a friend. He was like, hey, I told him to stop being a fag. And then he was like, oh, man told him to stop being a fag. And then he was like, oh man, that hurts. I'm a cigarette.

So, I'm gay. I'm gay all the time. You know, but there's some assholes out there that don't want you to be gay. So I say, fuck them. Thank you very much. I'm Skyler. Alright, Skyler. Let's get down to the nitty-gritty. You can't do any of those jokes ever again.

All three of those are unacceptable. We've all almost at one point wrote those jokes, but we're like oh no people this has been done it's a good thought your heart's in the right place

gotta dig a little deeper though the tranny oh wait are you really gay no but you want to you said you were gay you open with I need more gay jokes. I knew it. Look how he's dressed. He's dressed terribly. A gay guy wouldn't dress like that.

It's like, what the hell are you wearing? Yeah, I know. Oh, come on. I'm obviously not gay. That's the whole joke. Then you can't say fag, bro. You can't do that. You can't do that. You can say whatever you want, but don't. You can't say fag.

You can't say fag. You especially can't do that. I mean, you can say whatever you want, but don't. You can't say fag. You can't say fag. You especially can't say fag if you're just going to make the cigarette. It's got to be like... But let's figure something out. Let's not just bash you here. Let's figure out... Do you have any gay friends? Yes, a lot.

Have you banged a tranny? Do you say a lot? Yeah. I don't need a number of friends. I need to know your closest gay friend. Tell me something about him. Are you used to having gay friends? How long have you lived in LA?

About two weeks now. About two weeks. Okay, perfect. And we're getting somewhere. Where'd you move here from? The Bay Area, Oakland. There you go. So what made you want to write a joke

or a set about gay jokes, specifically? I just didn't have any, so I was like... I needed some! That is the most honest, beautiful thing I've ever heard. I love it. So was it like, I want to write some controversial, like, shocking kind of gay jokes,

or you just wanted to tackle that angle? I wanted to tackle that angle. I have a set called Chicken Dick, and that's kind of gay. Why are you obsessed with gay stuff? Well, no, well, Chicken Dick, it's not really gay, but it just rolled into that whole deal

with the Catholic churches. Oh, chicken dick. It brings up your guy's conversation about having meat dick in your mouth. Yeah. So all your gay friends are in Oakland. Is that correct? Yes.

All right. So you don't have any gay friends in LA yet. No, not yet. Do you think that the gay people will be different here than in Oakland? Probably not. Probably the same. Okay, then you'll never have a gay joke. I don't think you understand what I'm trying to do here, Skyler. I'm trying to help you write a joke right now.

What's going on in your life? What's actually going on in your life? What's the first thing that comes to your mind? Well, tonight I was going to do something about... Well, I was going to do a joke where I have a lot of baggage and I date crazy chicks and then they have they have baggage and together both of our baggage creates luggage and that's a lot to carry around in life i just asked you what's going on in your life and you told me the fourth worst joke but that's at least more about what what's

going on in his life i love your spirit skyler uh what What's, okay. That makes more sense. That joke needs work, but like, it makes more, you know, it makes more sense than like, talking to a cigarette or something like that. I mean, I knew you were definitely going to make, obviously, a baggage joke because of your style, which is, I'm going to hint to you what's coming so that it's an ineffective punchline. So,

let's talk about something else. Two weeks you've been in LA. Okay. Do you have an apartment yet? No, not yet. Where are you living? With my grandmother. Why the fuck aren't you talking about that? There you go. Two questions away from gold.

How's that? What's living like your grandmother like golden premise? Have you walked on her pooping yet? Does she powder your balls with baby powder? No, no. My grandma used to do that to me when I was a little boy. Talcum powder. I used to take a bath at my grandma's house.

I mean, I was a very, very little boy, but I would take a little boy. Talcum powder. Talcum powder. I used to take a bath at my grandma's house, and I remember maybe... I mean, I was a very, very little boy, but I would take a bath there, and then I would lay down on a towel on her bathroom floor, and she would put baby powder all over me. And like... This is going to end in us hugging Tony, and he's crying. No, yeah, totally. Crazy part is I did it last week, and it was awesome. No, uh...

All right, you son of a bitch. I'll bury you. No, but there's a lot my grandma might be listening there's a lot of cool things you can't talk about about being at your grandmother's like looking at her like cash in her browser on the on her computer you i mean you could just look around the house and look at all the fun shit to talk about that's all shit that we don't see every day so you can take advantage of looking at all that shit. That's what it's about. I just moved to LA. I've been here two weeks. Don't have my own place yet. I'm actually living with my grandma.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Should be five, six, seven jokes that you don't feed into. Yeah, which is very strange. We went to a farmer's market and the movies and it... Oh, shit, you're gay. went to a farmer's market and the movies. Oh, shit, you're gay.

I mean, there's stuff in there. There's stuff in there. What movie did you see with her? Thor. Are you serious? I took my grandma to see Thor as the beginning of a beautiful movie. Yeah, totally. All right, there you go.

Skyler, everybody. Write jokes about living with your grandma don't write gay jokes just for the sake of it at Skyler comedy on twitter if you want to shout out to Skyler he doesn't even have a last name the poor guy it's just Skyler

he's like Madonna just one name it's like Lord Skyler why don't you ever use your last name? Just yell. It's easier to remember. That's the worst theory I've ever heard. Craig?

Craig? I love this episode so far. I mean, this is just like a slaughter fest the whole way through so far. It's just unbelievable. Patriot's still wearing that hat. Yep. Yep. Rain, sleet, or snow, Tony.

People have been commenting lately how weird it is the way that you say my name sometimes at the end of things. Tony. You're just getting to know me. I'm a very sassy character. Got some attitude. You're going to get to know me. I'm a very sassy character. Got some attitude. You're going to get to know me in these next few months. I love it. Okay, here's what's going to happen right now, because

I'm going to pee my pants. I'm going to pick the next comedian's name. They're going to do time. I'm going to be listening the entire time. I'm going to be in that urinal at the top corner of the bathroom. So I'm going to still be listening and I'll be right back. And you guys are going to stay here and listen. And your next comedian's name is

Lil Bro. Here he comes. The sky is blue and all the leaves are green. The sun's just warm as I beg to... I hope I make Tony piss his pants. We all been raped before, right?

You know? It's happened, right? Like, we all had that run-in with that pedophile. You remember that? Like, nigga, all this for a piece of candy? You know? Cause I don't care, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, you like, fuck that.

You can keep your snickers, sir. I'm not helping you find that lost puppy either you know like even like I don't care like if the man had his thumb up your ass for 30 seconds you still got to go to therapy like the rest of us motherfucker you just can't get out of it I don't really need therapy yeah Yeah, you do, motherfucker. You got to join us. Because I was talking to a girl and she was like so worried about getting raped. Like, can you walk me to my car?

I'm afraid of getting raped. I'm like, you really don't look that good. You'll be all right. You know what I'm saying? But then I'm thinking like, I'm worried about getting robbed. I'm like, the only thing he taking is some pussy.

You keep that. Motherfucker take $200. I'm worrying about getting robbed. I'm like the only thing he's taking is some pussy. You keep that. Motherfucker take $200. I'm crying forever like I'd never get that back. Alright give it up for Lil Bro. I like cock cause I'm a vegan. Oh god. Jesus. A little bit of a reach on that one Brian. That's the part where you get a little

bit excited about your joke. And then, fuck yeah. It was hilarious, man. Lil Bro, very good as always. Thank you, thank you. Where were you talking about the therapy thing, though? I don't get that. Who has to go to therapy?

No, I'm just saying, like, you know, like some people, they'll be in therapy and be like, oh, I was molested as a child. You know what I'm saying? And like, they're in therapy. It's like losers, right? You know what I'm saying? Like, it's me, it's my child. Were know what I'm saying? Fucking losers, right? You know what I'm saying? Like, what the fuck? Were you really molested?

At like three years old, you know, but I don't really want to talk about it. No, I'm fucking rich. Is that why you can't hold poop in? Either that

or I rolled on a pacifier or something, you know, I don't know. How big was that fucking pacifier? Like I rode Oh shit!

Does it run in the family? So you were molested? Nah, I was just making that up. That's a joke. A couple of things happened that brought on that joke. Somebody really did ask me to walk them to their car.

You know that's because women actually get raped and need someone to walk them to their car. Yeah, but I'm like, if she did get raped and I wanted to fuck her, I might help the dude. You know what I'm saying? He already started. I think that's a great way to also take it is that you're not, I think, the perfect tag to that in my opinion. What do I know? But I think it's like you're not good looking enough to get raped anyway. And if you were, I'd be the one raping you.

You know, I also have something about an ugly chick that, you know, like, dudes want to sleep with ugly women. But it should be like illegal, I mean legal to rape an ugly woman. Like, you want to fuck her, but you don't want her to know that it's you. Like, you catch her from behind and be like, yeah, bitch. Be like, who is that? She be wrestling with, I see your shoes, Calvin. Bitch, turn your head. It's so funny.

This is... The rape joke. This is a great example of how, like, supreme confidence on stage can, like like you can kind of just get away with anything totally I was like yeah I kind of hear you what yeah no that's totally not okay what you're saying but the delivery and all that I'm all right yeah right

he's like the most lovable guy in the room yeah little bro always crushes we're gonna keep moving forward another great little bro please follow little bro at Twitter always funny worst way to keep moving forward. Another great set, Lil Bro. Please follow Lil Bro at Twitter. Always funny. Worst way to possible spell Lil Bro. L-I-L-B-R-O

B-R-O-U-G-H Lil Bro. So for those of you on Twitter that like following people with unfollowable Twitter handles, you could follow him there. You try to collect them when it's that hard. Yeah. This looks like a new name to me I don't think this person's been on before

Parker Searfoss, everybody Hey guys I just moved here from Texas and people say... No, wrong, wrong. Wrong answer. No, I moved here from Texas and people say that people from the South are extra nice, which is true. And then people say that people from the South are extra racist,

which is true. But I have a theory. I think that people from the South are extra nice because they're nice to half as many people. Like, I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying mathematically we got like a well of niceness and they're like, oh, let's pour it into the white people bucket. Whereas us non-racists,

we give everybody just like a Dixie cup of nice. But it's not just about race. It's, you know when a serial killer comes out? The news always knocks on their doors and the neighbors are like, oh my god, I had no clue. He was so nice. That proves that serial killers are extra nice to their neighbors

and super mean to 30 Boy Scouts. Like, they'll feed your dog while you're on vacation, but he's not feeding those Boy Scouts. Not until they put On the lipstick Parker Searfoss Coming in And killing it

How long have you been Doing comedy A few years Yeah four Okay Austin No Dallas Dallas

Oh well you know Where that is That's where Another man from Texas, the Iron Patriot. Oh, no way. I lived there for like 25 years. That's crazy. 1979 to 2007. Have you ever heard of a little band called the Dirty Crabber?

The first time I was on it, we did look up his videos afterward, and we had a good time. Oh, you've been on the show before? Yeah, just once before it was a while ago. Oh, so yeah, you looked him up. He was in Dallas at the time. He said it played a lot on Dallas radio, right? Yeah, yeah. Well, just a little bit.

I told you that was kind of the grunge era with Pearl Jam and stuff. We weren't getting a lot of airplay with our songs. Right. Mostly AM radio. Yeah. I'm surprised that during the grunge era your B-52s

meets fucking spin doctors didn't make it wouldn't you say in Dallas that the black people thrive there wouldn't you say the cost of living is cheap they get a lot of good jobs

did you say fly? you say racism, but I don't think people understand that in Dallas, the black people thrive there. They do great. They got great jobs. The cost of living there is lower. The city's a lot cleaner than this city, I'll tell you that much.

Well, that's true. They thrive because it's cheap to live there? Well, just they do good. They do good. Everybody loves the brothers in Dallas. This is a perfect example of another week with the Iron Patriot and accidental racism.

This has been an ongoing thing on this show. He doesn't know when he's being racist and when he's not, but you just said that black people thrive there because it's a cheap city to live in. I'm just saying, if you went and talked to them, they'd

say they love it there. Everybody's nice. They do great. They make good money. It's a great, clean city. Except for the blacks. I'm watching this poor black lady shake her head slowly right now. What the fuck did I walk into? I liked this fucking robot until right now. I gotta tell you about something that happened tonight.

I've been on this show for five months. The first time I came here was on June 10th. Tonight, for the first time, I had to pay for my bus because the female brother that's riding the bus... Oh, my God. She told me... She told me last week

that she threatened, she said, last time you're going to have to pay. So I had my money ready, and I actually paid $2 for the first time in five months. I've been riding free every day since. But I didn't blame her for it. I mean, she was nice enough to just tell me and give me warning last time because she could have kept me off because I didn't have my money. Well, you're mad that you had to do what literally everyone else

that rides a bus has to do? I just wanted to make that announcement tonight. That was a pretty historical event that happened for the Iron Patriot tonight. I need to backtrack here. Did you call female African Americans female brothers? Yeah.

I think I heard that. Yes. Yeah. I told you the first female brother I was in love with... Stop saying that! It was... It was, uh...

It's either... It'd be sister or black woman. It would be female brother. Patriot, tell Benji why you don't use the word sister. Wait till you hear this fucking scientific theory.

They might think I'm talking about a nun, and also, that term brother has been used so much, I just attached female to it, you know? I like Beyonce, I like Kerry Washington. There's a lot of female This is accidental racism still happening, by the way. He's now rattling off the handful of black women that he likes.

Yeah, I like Halle Berry's feet. I love the caress her feet. She's got cute toes. Good Lord. That hat next week is going to have a spike on it. Yeah, totally. I get the feeling he's coming in next week with a white hood on. But I do say sister in my soul sister song.

Remember when I did soul sister number nine? I try to forget all these songs that you do, Patriot. I can do without your sarcasm, Tony. Whoa, getting a little bit argumentative. No. No. No. Bad Tony.

All right. Those are classic songs. Don't talk about it anymore. I love it, Patriot. Another week of accidental racism with the Patriot. Parker Searfuss, great job, man. How long have you been in L.A.? Just a year. Well, welcome, welcome. Keep doing it. Keep rocking and rolling.

He's at Fearsauce on Twitter, everybody. There he goes, Parker. Fearsauce? Fearsauce. He got that. Fearsauce. So, everybody. There he goes, Parker. Fearsauce? Fearsauce. He got that. Fearsauce. So if you're afraid of sauce and you fearsauce, then follow him on Twitter. ParkerSearfoss.

Good perspective, good jokes. He's from Texas. He's got it. You got any jokes about being from Texas, Patriot? No. I told you what I thought about Texas right there. Someday I'm going to go back. I'm going to have a triumphant return there someday,

and everyone's going to know me. I'm going to be having a household name. Okie dokie. Your next comedian seems like another new one. Emily McCarran, everybody. She is. Emily. Hi. So I was raised naked.

Let me clarify. I was raised by a hippie lesbian, so I was basically naked until I got my boobs. But really, though, my mom is a total trip. She says to me the other day, I don't like your name. No offense. I know that I named you.

But it was a mistake of my youth. I think we should legally change your name to Emmy. Yeah, so my mom's a single parent. Only wanted to charge my name, and she chose Emily, a name she hates. Yeah, so as an actress, I get to go all these really fun places. Like the other day, I was in the ghetto, and this homeless man comes up to me immediately, and he's like, oh my God, are you okay?

You don't look like you belong here. I can help you if you need help. Do you need money? I'm are you okay you don't look like you belong here i can help you if you need help do you need money i'm really scared for you can i save you um so i don't know what that says about me that that happened but i'm just glad that there's still good men out there it's sad that he lives in a trash can but you what? At least there's still good men out there, you know, besides Jesus over here. Oh yeah, and by the way, my mom was also raised naked. My grandma,

as you're talking to her, she'll strip down. Wow. Wow. A lot of words came out there. Was I talking fast? You have the best cocaine A lot of words came out there. Oh, yeah. Was I talking fast?

You have the best cocaine and cleavage. That a girl. Well, when you're created and the person who helped create you is on crack, it kind of cracks you up for life. Not my mom, but the guy who's probably my dad. Wait, what? Wow, look at you. You are bonkers right now.

Always. Yeah, I see what's going on here. Always. The guy that's probably my dad. Well, because I was created from random animal sex, so the guy that my mom's pretty sure is my dad is a total drag addict. I thought your mom was a lesbian.

She wasn't being a good lesbian when I was created. Hey, look who it is, everybody. It's Bobby Lee. Fuck yeah. He's been on Kill Tony. Thank you. I'm a big fan of yours. Thank you so much. God bless you.

Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. So what did you say during all that? you say um you were raised naked is that how you say i was raised naked yeah what does that mean literally do you live in a nudist colony or you went to new or you ever been in a nudist colony you know it's bad when patriots asking the most questions i'm from santa cruz and my mom and all of her friends besides being lesbians were hippies so i was naked until i got my breasts, because all the women in my life were like, Oh my God, look!

And I was like, screw you, I'll wear clothes now. Were you homeschooled? No. But you didn't go to school naked? No, I would wear clothes at school. And then you just come home and get naked? Sometimes on the bus. There was trails of clothes to the park.

To the park? We lived across the street from a park. What? I'm lost. What are you saying? I love when she laughs because I get

to nothing. Well, I am made of giggles and frostings. Did you get a lot of yeast infections growing up just being naked all the time? Never. You'd think in Santa Cruz it's dirt, you know.

That's good because the pouch can breathe when there's no clothes on there. Oh. Did he just call a pussy a pouch? Yeah. That's so like weirdly clinical. Oh, I know. And I would like to oddly brag that I've actually never had a yeast infection, by the way.

Since you brought it up. Wow. That is very hard to believe. Is that because you're so psycho that you pour Purell on every guy's dick who you have sex with? Yes. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Emily, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

I actually started doing stand-up in my living room when I was four. But really, I started in August. The August of this year. Of this year, yeah. But it's something I've been meaning to do forever. And I was like, you know what? I have really big balls. I'm just going to pick them up and go do it.

Because the worst that could happen is I fail. And then that's funny still. Are you really comfortable naked now? Like, could you get naked right now and feel fine? No, actually, now that I'm an actress, I like to... I mean, I would strip down to my bra and underwear, but that's a little different.

We don't believe you. We don't believe you. Strip down now. That's sort of like the guy recently who tried to challenge me to have sex with him by saying, I can tell you're not good at sex. Hot girls are never good at sex. I've seen this guy in his underwear on this stage.

Yeah, that's true. Getting spanked. Why were you getting spanked? I don't remember. I think Martindale spanked you. Oh, maybe. You wouldn't remember if that happened. I don't remember that part.

I've got photos. This is probably in your drinking days. Yeah, yeah. No, I remember if that happened. I don't remember that part. I've got photos. This is probably in your drinking days. Yeah, yeah. No, I remember doing that when someone said something about my dick or whatever. I'm like,

I'll take that shit out right now. We don't believe you. We don't believe you. Wait, but why were you getting spanked? Who spanked you? Maybe it wasn't getting spanked. There was something going on.

It was like you and Martindale on stage. I'm not trying to unpack weird shit. Maybe it was Martindale. Yeah, I don't remember any spanking. Maybe it was a wet dream of Benji's. That's probably more like it. Probably that.

There you go. What does your dick look like? That's a good question. Walter Matthau. I'm sorry. It's not crooked, but it does go off. It's not bent. It's straight, but it's pointing not perfectly straight.

It's like... Tokyo Tower. Besides the fact that I talk really fast, any judgment? We have no idea really what you said. We're talking about each other's dicks right now. You've been doing that all night. Come on. I want some judgment.

If you slowed it down by 50%, you'd have twice as much material and we would understand what the fuck you're talking about. I have no idea what you're saying. There goes Bobby Lee, everybody. Did he just come up here to satisfy Benji's dick curiosity and then just take off? I have my friends in town. I want to give them the tour

of the club. See you guys later, okay? Bobby Lee. They laughed, so someone understood my really, really fast talking. I actually don't mind the fast talking. I would just pick a topic and then attack it. You're kind of just going like... Talk about having lesbian parents.

Talk about being naked. Instead, you just kind of mention a bunch of stuff and you kind of breeze right through it. Because they're very... A lot of my humor is visual, so it's really hard talk about being naked. Instead, you just kind of mention a bunch of stuff and you kind of breeze right through it. Because they're very... A lot of my humor is visual, so it's really hard to choose what I could say without dancing. I feel like if you're going to pick topics that are...

You're saying that the problem is that most of your jokes end in you dancing and you didn't want to do that tonight? Well, because if a lot of people are listening and I'm doing weird facial and body gestures that are missing out, I do a lot of weird stuff. So then just be yourself. I would write 10 things on each thing you mentioned.

Write 10 things on having lesbian parents, 10 things on growing up naked, and then try them out. You didn't think the talking fast was distracting? I did. I personally think when you're on stage, you're almost trying to hypnotize everybody. Like, hey, get in my road.

You know, blah, blah, blah. But when you're getting kind of almost barked at, like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, and I'm just like, ah, get in my road, blah, blah, blah. But when you're getting kind of almost barked at, like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, and I'm just like, ah, stop. I agree with you. It's definitely too fast. I didn't mind that. The talking fast and the bounciness.

I couldn't keep attention. But with the topics, it was way too, because they're really unusual, interesting premises. She didn't tell us the details until later. If she would have told us those details in the beginning, we would have understood what she's saying. Patriots, sometimes you get it just right, and this is not one of those times.

Thank you, Patriots. Emily, hopefully next time you come on, you slow it down a little bit. I will. I'll take Valium before I come up. And stick with one topic at a time. Next time I'll tell you the jokes my mom's been writing me. There you go.

It's all about how she's a really crappy parent. I love that crazy laugh that you have after everything you say. Uh-huh. You just did it again. You don't even know that you're doing it. Yeah, I do. I can hear myself. Emily McCarron, everybody.

Follow her on Twitter at cartwheeljoy. Jesus liked her. He brought out the kazoo. This is a crazy house tonight, and I love it. Okay. Going back to the bucket. We're flying through them. You guys having fun?

Having a great time. Love you guys. Have we cured your cold yet, Nick? It's getting better. I love it. This is another new name. I'm very excited about this. Put your hands together for Jordan Chysowski.

Hey, guys. I moved to L.A. And I moved in with a roommate who I didn't know and I had to tell him that I was gay and he's from China so I didn't know where he stood on that issue so I asked him, I said, Sishu are you LGBT friendly?

and he goes, ah what's LGBT? it was like lesbian, gay, transsexual bisexual, he goes, oh oh, are you gay? Yeah, oh, oh I don't care, it don't matter to me But we have neighbor who go to bed at 11

Alright, I'll just turn my sexuality off at 10.30 Don't want to get a noise complaint Or have the landlord come busting in like, hey, was someone being a fag past midnight last night? I've had several tenants who couldn't get to sleep. Fuck yeah.

There you go. Very funny. Jordan Cheisowski. Awesome. That's cool. That's all true? Do you have an Asian roommate I'm honest about that

very cool fuck yeah what do you guys think anything were you offended at that other comics gay stuff I thought he was gay for the whole time he did sound gay there is a thing I talk about it on stage because I get it a lot too

there's a thing with enunciation I agree with you guys I don't think he was gay based on how he was dressed that one that was talking about dicks and gay stuff well that too but the way that he talked i could sort of hear a little bit of there's like a there's there's like a you know thing you don't have it even but you are gay right yeah right i come off there's some guys that you know, thing. You don't have it even, but you are gay, right? Yeah. Right. I come off. There's some guys that are like Martindale and like Jordan here that are just like, yeah,

I'm gay and I'll butt fuck you. And, and they don't have that twang like Skylar had. Right. Where are you from? Canada. Okay. Oh wow.

What part? Edmonton. Interesting. Yeah. I've been, I've been to Toronto a few times and I've, I've performed at clandestine too. It's great,

isn't it? Puff Mama. Fuck yeah. Fun fucking club, right? How long ago were you there? I did the Absolute like six months ago. Nice. Yeah.

It's like downtown Toronto. You notice anything different about being gay in Canada and being gay here? Well, I was in the closet in Canada, so it's completely different. Oh, wow. So you're just letting loose here. Yeah, I feel like if you're going to make a... As an entertainer, if you're going to go for it, you might as well go for it.

So he agrees, too. You've got to be so much happier, right? A hundred times happier, right? Well, it's like... It's a process, you know? Because it's like... You start dating guys, but it's weird. It's process you know because it's like you start dating guys but it's weird it's weird at first you feel uncomfortable and then you feel like other people think it's weird too you know like i'd never hold a guy's hand in public like

right right i would just be i would just you should talk about that the slow process of like you start at first you're just doing tickle tortures with each other and then you you know stick one what were you talking about but in canada before you came out what was your stand-up like it was just a lot of jokes like not really like crushing puss bro i love me some wet pussy like that i i used to do jokes about you know what what I hate about chances is the lack of cock. Well, I would be in small towns and that material works when you talk about crushing pussies. So I would talk about trying to dance with girls and girls dance in circles together and you try and get in the circle to dance with them.

But it's not like I really gave a fuck. Jordan, this is all really funny. I'm really looking forward to you talking about that hand-holding and more stuff like that because I think that we're living in an age where uh people are totally ready and down to hear what it's like for somebody to come out of the closet and sort of like i think it builds tension like that feeling of you know oh that sounds rough at times and oh wow i feel like it would they'd be going on an experience with you. So definitely, I would totally get into that more because that's all you.

Coming from Canada, being in the closet, now you're an American out of the closet. Two totally different things. I mean, that could really define who you are. I mean, it's the type of set that could be on The Tonight Show or something like that. It's like breakthrough. And you're middle America gay.

You're accessible. It's like breakthrough. You're middle America gay. You're accessible. It's not overboard. I've also thought, though, it might be off-putting because you can label someone who's flamboyant. You see that and you know they're gay. But especially someone who's paranoid of other people being gay,

like middle America might be, I might scare them because it's like, you can't tell. Who cares? That makes you unique though you know every if most gay comics are up there and being like i'm gay and here's talk about how great i am with cock and instead you're like hey what's up i'm learning to deal with cock and uh it's just so much the way you said that it was like he was at an anonymous meeting. It just sounds so...

I'm Jordan. I'm dealing with dick right now. It's just like everywhere in West Hollywood. It's so interesting. Jordan, you're killing it. It is very interesting. You should totally do more of that. Totally. I want to. I mean, I agree with what you guys are saying. It is hard, though.

Yeah, I'd imagine. Let your fears go. You've already done so much. You're already halfway out of out of it so just keep going you know was it harder to get out of canada or was it harder to come out like get out of the country custom it's really hard to get out of canada right i'm doing schooling oh so you're only here for a certain amount of time four years are you going to go back in the closet when you get back to Canada? That would suck, for sure. I know, right?

I want to hear more about it, Jordan. I can't wait to see you do more time. Please sign up and come back on again. He's at Jordan Chysowski on Twitter. That's C-H-Y-Z-O-W-S-K-I. C-H-Y-Z-O-W-S-K-I. C-H-Y-Z-O-W-S-K-I. We're going to fly through it.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Kate Quigley, everybody. It's little Kate Quigley. Exciting. Thank you. How are you guys? You guys, I had to quit drinking recently. Super depressing. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but I did find out that

shaking is my body's way of saying I miss you. Tequila. I had to do it because I was having surgery, actually, for my boob. Just one. Because I got my boobs done a while back, and it turns out that my right boob is like this overachieving superstar.

Thank you. But my left is like the fucking lazy eye of tits. No, seriously, it was like Forrest Whitaker's face under here. Okay? Like, I don't know what happened. I go to my plastic surgeon. I'm like, dude, what is going on? Because I've raised them both exactly the same.

I spend quality time with both of them. Why is the left one rebelling? And this Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, he looks at me with a straight face. He goes, this isn't medical, but my professional opinion is that this is usually caused from too much nipple sucking.

Yeah. I'm like, okay. Then get your mouth off my boob, doc. I'm kidding. He's Asian. He would just attack it. That's it. That's enough.

How did that end? The cat came over you. What was that last part? I. He's Asian. He would just attack it. That's it. That's enough. How did that end? The cat came over you. What was that last part? I say he's Asian. He would just attack it with chopsticks. Oh. I'd lose that part. It's a callback to another joke I didn't do.

I see. A callback. All right. Great. Yeah. One boot bigger than the other? I would say don't do callback. All right. Great. Yeah. One boot bigger than the other? I would say don't do callbacks. That is all true.

I got it fixed. So was one nipple really one of those where you see it looking the other way? For real? For real. One started going rogue. Did they just cut it off and then sew it back on?

No, they have to literally replace the implant. That is some scary shit. Don't do it, ladies, if you're thinking about it. Don't get implants? No, it's risky. So you had implants and then one started going crazy. It was complicated. Gotcha.

So you still have the implants. They just fixed it. They fixed it. Did you go to some hillbilly plastic surgeon the first time? No, I went to one of the best Beverly Hills plastic surgeons, and he really did tell me that it's usually caused from too much nipple sucking. Yeah, I don't think he's one of the best plastic surgeons, if that's what he said. Can I recommend a gummy bear boobs, guys?

Look at that. That's what I have. Oh, you do? Yes. Oh, my God. Can I touch it? What is it? No. Oh, my God. Gummy bear what is it no oh my god what is that you are out of control you have it oh missy martinez has it awesome all right awesome

gummy bear boobs are like they're regular boobs uh like fake boobs always have like that hardness to it kind of way you're like oh this is, this is, you know. Got Me Bare Boobs feels like a foam memory mattress where you're like, oh, shit. It's badass, dude. We got to move forward. We're running. Let me say something

before I move on. I saw this lovely young lady Friday on Red Band's new improv podcast called Thunder Pussy. Yeah. Thunder Pussy. Yeah, Thunder Pussy,

the newest. Put your hands together for Thunder Pussy. All right, shut up, Patriot. Put your hands together for Thunder Pussy. Yeah. Thunder Pussy. Yes. Thunder Pussy. The newest. Put your hands together for Thunder Pussy. All right. Shut up, Patriot. Put your hands together for Thunder Pussy, everybody. It's the newest show

on the Death Squad Network. I'm very excited about that. The great Jeremiah Watkins has been running an amazing show that was originally, it's the improvised stand-up show

where comedians come on and take suggestions from the crowd and improvise material on the spot and it is the newest member of the Death Squad family. And it's great because the comics actually get their, even though it's not their version of their material,

they get to put on a podcast them doing stand-up. So that's a hard thing that I've been trying to balance lately, is finding a podcast where comics actually have a form of stand-up on a podcast. Thank you so much, Kate Quigley. Thank you, guys. Have a great night. There she goes. Moving on to our final part of the show, as always, we have two lovely young, rising

comedians who do spots here. Tonight will be no different. And then our special announcement. But first, let's get it started with Sarah Mostajabi, everybody. Here she is. Sarah Mostajabi. I don't know what the fuck had to happen to me at 30 years old

for 90% of the things I own to be Hello Kitty. I have $60 for my name, and somehow I felt I needed a sandwich maker that put Hello Kitty's face on it. So I make good investments with my time. I have a Hello Kitty purse, just to let guys know, you probably don't want to go here. I don't know what it is, but as I've got older, my purses have just gotten bigger and bigger and bigger. Because now that I'm 29, I need a full bottle of Xanax

and for some reason a tube of Whiteout I don't even know what Whiteout is for anymore you use it to like mark out the markings from black magic paper talking sticks I don't know what the fuck, I don't even have that it doesn't make any sense at all but Hello Kitty is the key to friendship with girls oh, your parents didn't hug you or talk to you either. Good.

Here's a fucking eraser. Now we're best friends. Seems to be how it is. Alright, thank you guys. Very funny. Nailed it in exactly a minute. You can tell she's been with us since episode one. A new minute every week. The cat meows when she says goodnight.

So I would say that something to add to the Hello Kitty on the purse, like when you say it lets guys know that you probably don't want to do this. So when they see Hello Kitty, goodbye Sarah, like something like that. Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's good. Something to throw in there. Benji, you just done?

Did you check out for the night? No, no. I liked it. I thought it was mean? Yeah, that's good. Something to throw in there. Benji, you just done? You checked out for the night? No, no. I liked it. I thought it was good. Hello Kitty's a good thing to talk about. A lot of people obsess with their Hello Kitty. It's true. But I don't necessarily think Hello Kitty is a red flag.

It is. It is for sure. But you should get into, because I felt kind of the same way. Yeah. You should get into why. Why do you think it's that way? Why do you? Because you just did it as if

everybody already knows it is. I have a Hello Kitty lighter that I bought today. You're a boy. That's a whole other fucking story. And that means you don't like Asian girls. They all like Hello Kitty. On the contrary, I love Asian girls. They love Hello Kitty, so you've got to explain what's up with Hello Kitty. Tell us.

Why do you think it's crazy? There's something to be said about you having an attachment to something you've had since you were six years old and you're completely an adult. And my entire bathroom set is Hello Kitty. It's just so when a guy comes over, he's just like, oh, okay, I think I committed a crime. There you go.

That's the new funniest part of that joke. Is the reality that it is your bathroom set and then they feel dirty like a pedophile when they're using your bathroom. The fact that I have to scoop like 30 Hello Kitty plushies off before I get pounded, that's an issue.

There's something wrong with that. I think that's cute. I think that's cute. Well, yeah, well. Do you have the lube? Hold on. Let me move the kitty. All right.

I mean, it's funny how much licensing they do with Hello Kitty nowadays. There's Hello Kitty eyelashes. There's vibrators that have Hello Kitty on the end of them on Amazon. I know. I have it. Really? You have a Hello Kitty vibrator? Hello Kitty.

Yeah. Wow. Ooh, this kitty stinks. Needs a bath. Hello Pussy, right? Me, yeah. But I've liked the Dodgers since I was a kid. I have Dodger t-shirts and hand towels.

Maybe it's like the same thing. I don't know. Sarah, that's a great new premise. Another great new minute. Take those few tags and definitely try to, you know, like I said, I think the new funniest part is that bathroom thing. Ask yourself questions like, you know, why and things like that and get more into it. That's a great new bit.

Can I ask you something real quick, you guys? Jesus Christ, you're killing me this week, Patriot. We've got to hurry. What is it? I've been out of the game for a while, but today Sarah sent me a picture of her feet, and they were dirty. What does that mean?

Oh, my God. Okay, that's enough. There you go. At Sarah Dresses on Twitter. Patriot, settle down over there. I don't know. What about wearing that safari hat? It makes you think you're the new host of the show, bud? Rain, sleet, or snow?

You know who's next, everybody, every week. The same two girls. So here's our next one. The one and only Kimberly Congdon, everyone. Here she is. What's up, guys? I'm going through a hard time in my life. I'm going through tragedy.

Things are really sad. Because my sister recently turned 18 years old, and she's officially hotter than me. And I don't know how to deal with it. And, like, I'm upset because I taught her how to do her hair. I taught her how to do her makeup. And now she's just surpassing me, you know? I feel like I've been tutoring someone for a final that just got a better

grade than me. I don't know what to do. Things are getting really bad. And like I don't want to teach. Like now I'm suspicious. I don't want to teach her anything. I don't want to teach her how to cook because then I'll have to watch her cook for the man of my dreams. I don't know, guys.

This is really sad and that's it for me. Thanks. It's a great premise with zero punchlines. So let's get into it. Yeah. What do you guys think?

Do you feel guilty that you're... It's a fantastic premise. ...that you're fostering all these negative things towards your sister? No. No, because she, like, knows it and she's kind of a little bitch about it.

Like how? But she, like, really is. She's super hot. She's super pretty. She just, you know because she knows it, and she's kind of a little bitch about it. Like how? But she really is. She's super hot. She's super pretty. She's just, you know, she is. Maybe if you weren't. She said that I was the ugly sister. That's okay.

I'm okay with it. So you've got to put that out there, because then you antagonize her, and then we're totally on your side. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So that's got to come first.

You seem jealous for a reason. Yeah. I had that. She wants me to do things like help her find a job, but I feel like as soon as she gets hired, she'll become the manager. Right. I don't know. That just makes you sound jealous again.

Okay. But it's still funny. It's a good thing. Yeah. Okay. Maybe now that she's calling you ugly and she's 18, maybe you wish that you would have coached her differently. Oh, that's good.

Yeah, you could even go sabotage. Maybe you should have told her to get that perm that, you know. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Like sabotaged her. Tell her to shave one side of her head because all the girls are doing it now. Like, I'm living in L.A. now. I know what's up over here. Everyone wants to look like a gorilla.

Exactly. Yeah, that's funny. The whole new thing is getting a permanent. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like, and other goofy things. Other ways that you would lead her the wrong direction on purpose seems to be the way that... You know what the new thing is?

No ass. Stop the squats. Right. Yeah. Shave one eyebrow. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And it should be, you know, yeah, it should get crazy towards the end.

Like that. Like the whole new thing. Just shave one eyebrow. You want me to ruin this girl for you? No. Thank you, Brian, but no. That's a fun game. Her own sister.

You're like, get married. Get pregnant. You're ready. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly the way to go. You look really great pregnant. It's a new thing. Maternity's in.

So you've got to mention that she's against you so that you just don't sound jealous and then talk about how she's prettier than you, about how you wish you would have given her different advice, and then start rattling off those things, because then it'll be a joke. Put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Follow her on Twitter.

She's at Kimberly at Kim Congdon at Kim Congdon, right? At Kimberly Congdon at C-O-N-G-D-O-N Hell yeah. They're both funny, both those young girls. They're always getting funnier. Yeah, isn't it amazing?

Yeah, they're very good. Which brings us to our special announcement, everybody. Our first ever special announcement here on Kill Tony is that we are adding a third regular to the show. Put your hands together for her.

You've seen her here before. She was with us with Maren and Benson at the LA Podfest. It's at Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Sarah Weinshank. Princess Shank. There's now three lovely ladies. Yay.

That's cool. Thank you. Am I going to do my set? Yeah. Oh, okay. You guys, impulse buys. I've been doing a lot of them. Okay, I went to do my set? Yeah. Oh, okay. You guys, impulse buys. I've been doing a lot of them. Okay, I went to the 99 cent store, right? Get a plate from there. Done.

A golden plate. I needed two. Get these two golden plates home. Guess what I find out? Not suitable for food. Another impulse buy. This week, I bought some peppermint bark. Anyone ever buy some peppermint bark? if you're a female, you know, past the age of 23, and you buy peppermint bark, it's not good,

it's scary, do you want some peppermint bark, it's for the holiday season, lots of impulse buys, guys, I went to a boutique. I found a cup with E.T. on it that said Be Good. Bought it for $40. Got home only to find out that this E.T. cup was from Pizza Hut and mass produced.

So its value was about $7. But I paid $40 for it. Lots of impulse. Fuck yeah, you got some music and a kitty. Fuck yeah. Welcome. Definitely.

The newest regular Sarah Weinshank talking about impulse buys, which I think people can relate to in this Amazon era, right? Where are you buying these things from? Everywhere. Goodwill. I did a Goodwill impulse buy,

which was tampons, which I regretted immediately. You bought tampons at Goodwill? Yeah, but I couldn't use them because I'm like, how the fuck did these get here? They're expired. But in the moment,

no, I don't know. Do tampons expire? Yeah. Well, I didn't use them. I freaked out. They get stale. I freaked out because I was like, I don't trust these.

You're spending impulse buy. Can you email a verification on that? Do tampons go stale? Yes. You're spending $40 on an ET something and you're buying your tampons at Goodwill? Yeah, right? Mistake. Yeah. I didn't use them though.

See, right now you're talking differently than when you were doing that bit. Yeah. Like you sounded like you were from the Bronx. Yeah. I did? Yeah, you sounded more Boston into the Boston girl that was just up there.

Yeah, you had like an accent. I've never seen you on stage but I've talked to you off stage. Yeah, I don't know why. And you sound totally different. You were like, why are you doing it in my treehouse, bro?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was like a total like dude-ish kind of. Really? Yeah. And then the 99 cents go. If that's the way that you want to do it,

that's cool. But you know to do it, that's cool. I'm not judging. If that's what you sound like when you're projecting, then that's fine. Where are you from originally? I'm from the Valley. I'm from the Valley. Is that intentional?

No, it's just... I don't know. When I start explaining something, I feel like I get excited. And my mom's from New York, and I feel like for some reason it comes out in me sometimes. It's weird. I totally wish we could help you more, but we have completely run out of time.

Welcome to being a regular on Kill Tony. That's her first appearance. You can follow her on Twitter. Twitter at Princess Shank. That's S-H-E-N-K. She is the newest. There will now be three regulars at the end of every show. Can I make a quick comment?

Yes. I don't know for sure, but either the lead singer of ACDC or Jeff Ross is in the back row. Oh, it is. It's Jeff Ross, everybody. There he is. Put your hands together for my good pal, Jeff Ross. Fuck yeah. First time to kill Tony. How are you, buddy?

Great show, fellas. Great show. Thank you, man. Well, we're going to wrap it up. Good eyes, Patriot. I got better eyesight than you think, Tony. Why don't you show them what it's like when you blacklist somebody? He's a robot, Jeff. Alright, thank you so much for listening. You guys have anything you want to promote?

At Nick Yousef on Twitter? Yeah, that. Anything else happen? Anything crazy? No, I meant... Listen to the podcast with Kevin Christie? Awesome, please. Me and Kevin Christie. That's on iTunes? It's on iTunes.

It's on Stitcher. It's on SoundCloud. It's on All Things Comedy. The greatest comedy network that's tied with the Death Squad. How dare you, you son of a bitch. I'm in promotion, though. You know I love the Death Squad. And at Benji Aflalo, one of my great friends.

What else is happening, Benj? You know, I tweet and stuff. I love it. That's at BenjiaFlalo on Twitter. At JoshMartinComic, our producer who made many cameos tonight. At Comic Patriot, as always. Great episode. Thank you guys so much for being here.

At Red Band. At Tony Hinchcliffe. Please tell friends to listen to this as well. I have so many people telling me that they're huge fans. And I'm like, do you ever tell anybody about it? And they're like, no, it's my own little secret. Oh, fuck yeah, they're flipping it quick. Stick around for another

Death Squad doubleheader. It's the Ding Dong Show up next with Don Barris. Thank you. Good night. Well, I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you If I get drunk Well I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk