KILL TONY - KILL TONY #240

Episode Date: December 8, 2017

Russell Peters, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 12/04/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about rhabelsis? Actually, I'm seeing go by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today Did you say Rebelsis? My dad's been talking about Rebelsis Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that

That's right Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me Rebelsis Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Our website, DeathSquad.tv, has all the past episodes, so if you're looking for an old episode, go to DeathSquad.tv and search for Kill Tony.

Also, if you click on tour dates you can see where me and tony hinchcliffe are at next uh not only do we do kill tony every monday at the world famous comedy store uh every first and third friday we're at the ice house for the ice house show uh that's in pasadena california you can go to DeathSquad.TV and click on tour dates for all the shows that we do. Also, don't forget to go to RyanJEbelt.com, his new book, Kill Tony, The Art of Kill Tony. He draws every episode, and this is a collection of all the drawings he's done, and it's a really nice book.

I just got one the other day. It's up for pre-order, so go to RyanJEbelt.com to get your Kill Tony book. ShopSquad.tv is the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. And you can get a Kill Tony shirt there. They have only a few left.

So if you haven't got the new Kill Tony shirt, go to ShopSquad.tv. We also have some new mugs that are going to be in stock in the next couple days. Death Squad mugs. Brand new design and also bringing back the original Death Squad mug. We have a new t-shirt about to be released and all that can be found at shopsquad.tv. TonyHinchcliffe.com is the official website of the Golden Pony that has his tour dates and all his info there. So go to check out TonyHinchcliffe.com.

All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store Main Room. For the return of Kill Tony, here's Tony Hatchclare. Fuck yeah. Hi, everybody. Make some noise here at the number one live podcast in the world. Fuck yeah.

We are back in the saddle again. The great Brian Red Band is here. What's up, Tony? On sound effects and Instagram pictures and crazy shit that comes up. Put your hands together for the Ryan J.E. Bell, ladies and gentlemen. The house artist, and it is official for sale right now for the first time ever as of today is The Art of Kill Tony. The compilation of all the drawings up to this point. Why not get it for your Kill Tony fan

and your loved ones? RyanJeBelt.com backslash kill dash Tony dash book. That's RyanJeBelt.com backslash kill dash Tony dash book. Fuck yeah. It's an amazing book. Make sure if you get a chance after the show, if you guys are...

How many of you are real Kill Tony fans out there? Know the show? And he'll sign it for you if you want. And that makes it collectible. Fuck yeah. Do we have copies for sale for tonight? Like in person? No.

$1,000. There you go. Get the prototype. We'll all sign it. We are streaming right now live in VR 360 around the globe Who else does that? Nobody We're badass motherfuckers So a bunch of people signed up

It's going to be a fun thing And let's get it motherfucking going How was Australia? Australia was amazing Thank you to the listeners from Australia And fans of Kill Tony They are demanding that we go out there Fuck yeah

And I'm very excited to make some fun announcements they are demanding that we go out there. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. And I'm very excited to make some fun announcements about that. Probably November 2018, kill Tony Australia. I'll just start the rumor now because it's probably going to happen really soon. What else? Let's just do it, shall we? That's pretty much everything, right? Bunch of other fun dates coming up.

TonyHinchcliffe.com. I'm going a bunch of places. Let's do it. I'm excitedcliffe.com. I'm going a bunch of places. Let's do it. I'm excited about this. First, I'm going to bring up our guest. Every single week we have one of the best comedians in the world on this show. This week's no different. One of my favorites.

You know him from so many fucking great things. So many one-hour specials. One of the best. Put your hands together for the great Russell Peters, everybody. You've been a guest many a times, and we're so, so, so excited to have you back. Why, thanks, Tony. It's great to be back. You're in the book somewhere. Am I in the book? Yeah. Oh, the drawings? I wonder what page he's on. Yeah, you, Tony. It's great to be back. You're in the book somewhere. Am I in the book? Yeah. I wonder what page he's on.

Yeah, you're in there somewhere. Oh, wait, there you are. There it is, Russell Peters. He's always generous and just gives me the one chance. Right there. Episode 222, Russell Peters and Steve-O. You remember that one? I do, though, and then there was one before. There's a few before that. Yeah. There's me and Joe, and there was...

You're in the book. He's been upstairs and... You're a good guy in my book. So glad I could bore you to fucking death with that story. Well, I'm excited, though. We're going to have a fun supporting cast

to back us up. And it's the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band, guys. It's Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez,

and Chroma Chris on the bass. The pieces of the puzzle are coming together. What is happening? Jesus. They're coming out in basketball jerseys with bread. Oh, wait a second.

I think I know what's happening here. Wow. Is this the weight gain challenge version of Jeremiah Watkins that I'm getting? Walking around, Tony. Wow. I guess the cat's out of the bag, everybody. Jeremiah is ready for his waking challenge. For those of you listening to the podcast,

he has two loaves of bread with a really big fork and a really big knife and a couple things of butter. Tony, the fat's out of the bag. Yeah, it's true. Jeremiah, Joel Berg is one for one, by the way, on your Kill Tony bingo cards. Joel Berg has already started killing. There it is. When you hear that goat, you know.

For those of you that don't know, do you know that Jeremiah and I have a contest for the month of December? If it's your first time finding out about this, congratulations. Jeremiah and I are having a weight gain challenge. You guys are the opposite of Bert and Tom. In October, our friends Joe Rogan, Bert Kreischer, Ari Shaffir, Tom Segura, they had a sober October. And they went to hot yoga like 15 times in 30 days. We're doing the exact opposite. I'm drinking and having fun every single day and eating as much as I can.

And he's taking a very unorthodox approach. He now has a stick of butter. There it is. Holy shit. Looks like I have my work cut out for me. I'm in big trouble. Holy shit. Just lubing that throat up, baby.

This isn't about a healthy weight gain. This is just about a weight gain. Well, I'm being pretty healthy about it. I've actually taken the approach of lifting heavy weights. Which is smarter, Tony, because muscle weighs way more than fat. Yeah, but Tony, how fucking fast

do you think you're going to get deezed up? Well, I've been hanging out with my friend Joe Rogan and, um... Oh, HTH? No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm looking for fat comedian sponsors. Well. We should order him a pizza or something.

If Jeremiah wins the weight gain challenge after December 31st, he gets to host from this seat an episode of Kill Tony, and I have to join the band for that episode. Wow. But hold your horses. I know you guys all want to root for the good, likable guy. But if I win, Jeremiah Watkins has to cut his hair. Yes.

Like straight? Yeah, the golden goose. How? Nobody's ever imagined. Yes. The golden goose. Nobody's ever imagined. Jared, if you know the one thing you need to know about Jeremiah, the biggest fun fact in the world is that he is serious about that hair. That'll kill his career, Tony.

That'll kill his career. It might start his career. He'll be known as Hawkeye. It's going to ruin his career. I'm not going to fire him. What's his career? What do you do? I cut my hair and I just take off like a rocket ship like, see you guys later.

It's Jeremiah Watkins. Hey, Jeremiah. Actually, I got an announcement for you. Stakehams wants to sponsor you. You get free Steakums for the whole month. Whoa! This weight gain challenge. Wait, is that a dog treat?

It could be. It depends what kind of quality dog you have. Is that like Began strips? I used to eat Steakums as a kid. My mom always made sure that they were in the freezer, and that's one of the ways that I know that I'm sort of really just white trash. Well, you are from Ohio. Yeah.

I mean, it's just real confirmation. When you were sort of raised on Steakums, when it was one of your favorite things, preservative-filled steak strips. They're great. You just throw them in a frying pan. Add some peppers and some mushrooms. They're cooked in like one minute or something.

It's like flip after 30 seconds. Eat them in your MeUndies. I have a question for Jeremiah. Jeremiah, when you said you wanted to get sponsored by a fat comedian, who are you talking about slash what did you mean? Well, Tony has one of the most ripped comedians in the world who's sponsoring him.

What do you mean he's sponsoring me? Wait, I feel like you're asking me. Actually, we talked about that earlier. Son of a bitch. This is a soft offer. I got a thyroid problem. All right. Whatever it takes.

Let's start the motherfucking show, shall we? What do you guys think? I could sit up here and just jibber-jabber with you guys forever, but we're gonna have some fucking fun tonight. We have a bucket filled with names, with human beings' names on them. Sometimes it's a great upcoming comedian, sometimes it's someone

we've never seen before that's just insane and, you know, anything can happen on this show. You know, your 60 seconds is up. If I pull your name out of the bucket, 60 seconds at the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Oh, and I almost forgot. I'm also going to need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday. Wow. Verbal one. Real build up, set up and execution there. You definitely don't want to run the light

because we don't want that to happen again for sure. You guys ready to start this motherfucker or what? Let's do this. Kill Tony episode fucking who knows. Something crazy. Insanity. By the way, I realized when I was in Australia, we're going to have our five-year

Kill Tony anniversary this June, 2018. Do you realize that? And I also noticed something weird. I think Christmas Day falls on a Monday. It does. And we're going to have a Christmas Kill Tony. Also, I believe New Year's Eve falls on a Monday this year. Does it?

It's like a dyslexic Christmas. That's a Jewish holiday. Also, I believe Monday falls on a Monday. Fuck yeah. Okay, so the Monday. Alright, I pulled a name out of the bucket. An uninterrupted 60 seconds,

and then we talk to them about anything in the world, goes to Danny Archilla. Busted. Danny Archilla is coming to the stage. Here we go. Fuck yeah. Put your hands together for Danny, everybody. Come on.

How's it going, everybody? As you can tell, I'm actually either super colorful or super Latino. You don't believe me? Ask my mom. There's Border Patrol at her pussy. That was the thing. But, nah, man. You know, I... No, but I actually did play soccer for a while. You know, I... No, but I actually did play soccer for a while, you know.

Thing about it was I had to stop because when my coach told me that I had a big nose, I said, yeah, but I'm not going to look down your pants, so... Thumbs to jokes, guys Deal with them But no, man You know, I I really have

This type of fascination With With giving up points There you go Danny Archilla, everybody Wow Alright With giving up points. There you go. Danny Archilla, everybody. Wow. All right.

How are you, Danny? That was nice. I don't know, man. Did you think that was going to work tonight? No. Wait, the outfit or the set? I wasn't expecting to get up, man. I really wasn't. Clearly.

It is. I don't think anybody ever really expects to get up on this show. We pull names out of a bucket. It looks like you robbed three different people. Yeah. And by robbed, he means grave robbing. You're dressed like a fucking stoplight. Boom.

Goddamn. That is unbelievable. Fuck. And you just ran a red, kid. Your tie looks like a woman's stocking. It's not like a tie. What happened? Why does your tie look like that?

I washed it. I washed the tie. Seems like a good idea. Yes, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Wait until his ventriloquist finds out he's gone. That's his second time. There you go. Two for two.

He's grabbing his crotch. He just grabbed his crotch at the crowd and gave him the evil eye. Joel Berg is back with swagger Wow Alright back to Danny Archilla The opposite of Joelberg Let's see Can't really find his footing here tonight

I quite enjoyed your segue Into soccer Yeah no I hadn't Until there so thank you Why do you look like you got raped by Ronald McDonald? Oh. Did you? And were you loving it?

He looks like he squirted ketchup and mustard on you. You look like all the good condiments for a hot dog. Holding his relish hat. What were you for Halloween if this is how you dress on a hot dog. Holding his relish hat. What were you for Halloween if this is how you dress on a normal day? Just a regular Mexican guy. I was trying to do the jeans and a t-shirt. The Hamburglar, perchance. I don't know.

Wow. Danny, how long have you been doing stand-up? Not so long, man. Maybe like a year, year and a half. Let's be honest. You're being vague, but you know how long you've been doing it. Seven years. I do that, too, when I'm trying to be cool. You're being vague, but you know how long you've been doing it. Seven years. I do that too when I'm trying to be cool. I'm like, I don't know.

I mean, seriously pursuing it. Do you like like stand-up? That's a tough question. Do you like it? Does it look like I'm jacking off right now?

I don't know. Does it? I could be. I could be, right? Well played, Jeremiah. Two weeks off and it's back on. Jeremiah, it's back on. Oh my god. They just brought out chicken wings and a bucket of ice cream with a ladle. I don't know what's happening here. Like one of those big buckets,

the ones that feeds a whole birthday party. It's supposed to be chicken and waffles. This is so surreal. What is happening? Jeremiah is just eating. This is not going to end well. This is what happens, ladies, when you want to get married. Brian Redband from Three Point Range.

And Redband's in the shape of his life not being married. Damn. It stinks. It's very spherical. And I can easily get divorced. All right. What are you little guys fighting about over here Danny David's waiting to be abused

Sorry David get back to you Danny why do I feel like sometimes you lock yourself In your own trunk Do you have a car Do you like try to escape out of things For fun I had a car but I had to downgrade to a bike because I've been in like seven car accidents. Do you work at a speakeasy because you talk like this?

Yeah, no. What's the password? Why do you talk out of the side of your mouth, Danny? You want to see? Where it on the street is. I was like a veteran for World War II in my past life you talk like you got Bell's Palsy but clearly you don't I mean

Jeremiah this is gluten free ice cream so you're in good you're in good hands this guy looks like he's wearing 36 flavors right now You're in good hands. This guy looks like he's wearing 36 flavors right now. Danny, Danny, Danny, over here. What's your living situation? I live in Santa Monica.

Are you dead? I'm dead inside. That's probably what it is. Is that true? Oh, cool. Why do you say that? What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you in your life? I'll tell you what it was. He burns his shoulder when he eats soup

Danny, stand up there Stand up there, Danny Hey, Tony How long has It's sad because that could actually happen Oh my god This is so cool Don't put your eyeball that close to the microphone, Danny.

You're asking for an infection. Yeah, you might get brown eye. Danny, how long have you lived in the side of the... Never mind. Oh, it looks like the carbs are getting to somebody's brain, huh? Oh, la la. Brain freeze. Brain freeze.

Danny. Brain freeze. Brain freeze. Danny, so you said you got into seven car accidents. Do you also look out of the side of your eyes? What color is the light? I don't know. You are the fucking light. It's pants color. How does seven car accidents happen? You dress like a guy that's been in eight car accidents.

You should call Bender and Bender. Wait, how old are you, Danny? I'm 23. 23. 23 and seven car accidents. And what's your Uber rating? How does this happen? I don't know if they have Uber for bikes because that's what I'm on right now.

Out of the seven accidents, how many would you guess that you caused? What kind of car were you in first? Nissan Versa and then a Toyota Camry beforehand. Yeah. So how many do you think you caused out of the seven? Five, six, seven? Pretty much all of them, dude. What's wrong with you? You smoke a lot of pot? I don't think I smoke enough, dude.

What does that mean? It means that I'm kind of like a pussy. Why do you got to know? Listen. What makes you say that? Let's not question your manhood

What's the soft No we already know It's like low No now I wanna know What's the softest thing About you To you Like what do you think

Is soft about you I don't like the way This is going Tony No it's fun It's good Show us what's soft We know you got married And everything but

What This is so surreal Like what's the Like me I'll tell you mine. Sometimes I put one of those, like, long-time face masks on. You let it fucking...

And I peel it off or wash it off. I do that shit. I'm into it. It makes my face feel good. All right, you're... I don't think that's a soft issue. Your turn. Go.

What's the softest thing about it? I listen to, like, 80s Japanese pop sometimes. Is it because the modern Japanese pop is no good for you? No, I just like... Can you give us like what's the name of your favorite band? My favorite band? Yeah, like your favorite 80s Japanese.

Give us some hipster Japanese. Pearl in the Harbors. It's a... I said Pearl in the Harbors. It's a It's a. I said Pearl in the Harbors. It's not that. It's Do you know any of the groups or anything? No, no, no. I know the song. It's by

What's it called? It's called I think it's called like Plastic Love. I'll bring a shamo to my family. Do you like that song? Did You Ever Know You're My Hiroshima? I should take a listen to that. It sounds good. Put it as my ringtone. Oh, my God.

What's the name? Maria Takayuchi. She's good. Can you spell that for us? We got the Maria. M-A-R-I. Yeah, we got that. No, no, no, no, no, no.

You can't ask a Mexican to spell Maria. Obviously you know how to spell that. I'm Colombian, actually. Oh, well, there you go. We got the Maria. Go ahead. T-A-K-E-U-C-H-I. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Did you find it? No, you didn't. I was just imagining Louis C.K. jacking off the whole time. This is what you listen to? That's Masari Takakuchi. That's the only one that came up unless Maria spelled with a Q-L-W-4. No, no, try Taka.

You have to look it up on YouTube. You have to look it up on YouTube for that. Because T-A-W-4. No, no, try it, Taka. You have to look it up on YouTube. T-A-K-A. You have to look it up on YouTube for that. Because T-A-K-A would be the more like this song. Can you just sound it out, what it sounds like for us? Come on. Just do it. Don't think about it. Just sing it.

Go ahead. You want me to sing it? Just get right into it. Just do it. Listen. Danny, how much worse could your set get? Come on, do it. I thought I was already disappointing enough.

Can you give us a tempo? We'll play along with you if you want it. It's just something like... Okay, go ahead. Give them the beat. No, don't overthink it. I could tell you're about to puke. Don't.

Who, Jeremiah? I could just... I'll sound it out, but it's like Japanese. I'm a fucking dumbass. I know it's plastic. I know it's plastic. All right. All right. Danny Archilla, everybody.

Wow. Danny, from now on, when you get called on a comedy stage, that's what you do. Yes, definitely. And that's your time. There he goes. Danny Archilla, everybody. Very impressive. Good job, Danny.

80s pop in the stylings. It's like a Mexican Josh Martin or something like that. Look at this guy. Little frog hat. Fuck yeah this guy. Little frog hat. Fuck yeah, man. There you go. All right. Danny Archilla, young school shooter.

There he goes, everybody. Wow. You should be proud of yourself, Danny. How about one more time for Danny's rap? Come on. The people in VR360 got to see the whole crowd clapping. It's a great way to start the show. Thanks, Danny. All right. Go back to your seat. That's rap. Come on. The people in VR360 got to see the whole crowd clapping. It's a great way to start the show. Thanks, Danny.

All right, go back to your seat. That's enough. Back to the bucket we go. Where it stops, nobody knows. I pulled another name out of the bucket, and it is the name of Kelly Lee. Go down. The rocket over here. Go down.

We're going to keep it down. Gotta get it. Oh. I don't see any movement. Kelly Lee? Blacklisted. Oh, poor Kelly Lee. Are the Versi triplets here?

Back to the bucket we go. Chris Mitri. Chris Mitri. God damn. Double blacklisted. Danny Williams. Danny Williams. I see movement. There he comes.

Get on sale. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Danny Williams, everybody. Yeah. Fuck. I don't know. I'm from South Carolina. South Carolina's cool. They just got rid of the Confederate flag, which is kind of sad.

Confederate flag is fucked up, but you got to admit, it looks badass as fuck. It's fucking red background with a blue X on it. Somebody at some point said, you should put some stars in there, motherfucker. And they did, and that shit looked good as fuck.

The only thing I'm going to say about the Confederate flag, it's like the Kardashians, you know what I mean? It looks good. Overall, bad for black people. Like... Just doesn't work out when the two get mixed. Fuck, that's not a minute. There we go.

Alright, Danny Williams. Our second Danny of the night. Russell just pointed out. Double Danny. Fuck yeah. The Danny that had the better set. Hell yeah. But do you know how to sing 80s Japanese pop?

Hell no. Could be your downfall. I think we all know how to sing 80s Japanese pop. Oh, it dies the country. Danny, remind me... What do we know about you? You've been on this show before. What do you do for a living again? I sell... I do some

with wheelchairs. You what? You were going to say you sell them and then you said you do something with them. I don't know. What do you fuck? Wheelchairs? I don't know. I make sure wheelchairs get paid for. Wow.

Wheelchair repo guy? Yeah. Or else what? You re-break their legs if they don't pay you? Spinal cord injury, my ass. Shit costs money. No, I call the insurance companies and I... You turn paraplegics into quadriplegics? Fuck.

I just let the insurance companies know how fucked up people are. Yeah, like they really need a wheelchair. You're a fucked up assessor? Yeah, pretty much. Really? Yeah. What do you have to do? He's a fucked up appraiser.

You just call an insurance company and say, yo, he ain't got no legs. And then they'll be trying to fight it. They'll be like, well, how bad? Yeah. Can he sort of walk? So how long have you been on that for? Oh, wheelchairs?

I don't know, about eight years. Whoa. How long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Do your benefits roll over in the wheelchair industry? Do I get a free wheelchair if I get fucked up? I can take one from the back.

I don't know what happened there. I made a joke and then I didn't hear you. If you need to hook up on a wheelchair, you look me up. I'm good shit done. I loved you in Tyler Perry's Alien vs. Predator. Come on, I don't know.

I don't know. I feel like I... No, it was Medea gets a spinal cord injury. I feel really weird holding this chicken right now. Oh my god. There's like racist comments flying everywhere and I'm just behind him with the chicken and I'm just like

that was a good joke. He nailed it. I really want some of that chicken. You ever thought for Halloween maybe you could be Lil Bane? Like Lil Bane? Like Lil Wayne, but like Lil... You figured out how to make this work for you.

Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. This is really happening right now. I believe he might also have some strawberry ice cream next to him, too. All right. Hey, can we get some grape drink? Fuck yeah. He's like eating it in slow motion.

This is real good. Kill Tony is back. Oh my God. And he now has a 40 ounce beer. Pour a little bit out. Pour a little bit out. Show some respect. Wow, this is happening.

Backstage, he said, no. Wait, what is... Jeremiah is drinking a bottle of... What is that? That's not beer, is it? Can't possibly be. No way. He's drinking the most uncarbonated beer of all time.

That's my piss. Wow. Wow. Alright. Wow. Oh, and then you just put a chicken wing in it. Oh, now the second chicken wing won't go all the way in. I can't believe what's happening here.

It's like real life for you. Jeremiah's definitely going to get sick. Couldn't get it all the way in. Backstage, Jeremiah said, I don't even drink, but by any means necessary. Wow. You're kidding, right? No. He said, I don't give a shit.

I'll do whatever it takes. Oh, my God. He's said I don't give a shit I'll do whatever it takes Oh my god He's definitely not going to give a shit He just drank so much apple juice That was incredible Jeremiah has never had a drink in his life And that high life beer Had no carbonation to it

Diabetes Looked like he was drinking hot piss. I knew I should have gone with the sparkling. It plainly looked like apple juice. Wait till the

botulism kicks in. Hey, there's a lot of sugar in that shit, all right? Hey, I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Oh, all right. I'll put it out there for the comedy. I'll drink any amount of apple juice necessary. Bring me an orchard, goddammit, an orchard! A bunch of jealous babies are crying right now.

Oh, Danny. Danny, Danny, Danny. What else has been going on in life? You in love? Hell no. What's your dating life like? I drink and I date fat chicks from Tinder. You ever hook up with any of the

girls that have no legs that you work with at the wheelchair place? No, no, no, no, no. They probably do. They all got, like, cerebral palsy and shit. Fuck yeah. You want to avoid the palsy. Hell yeah.

I don't think it's legal. I think you could, by the, you know, by the looks of you, I feel like you could straighten out some of their spines. You know what I'm saying? Danny the Spine Straightener Williams. You have any special tricks that you use in the bedroom with ladies? Anything like that? Teaching cougars how to walk? No, I just go to sleep.

You go to sleep? Hell yeah. All right. Before or after you fuck them? Look, I'm real boring. I like nut, and I'm good, and I go to sleep. That's my move. How old are you Danny? 36

Yeah exactly That's a 36 year old move It's like I came I won Danny's voice sounds like that voice That you make whenever somebody calls you And you wake up from a nap And you act like you're awake But you're not awake yet

Hello? Yeah calls you and you wake up from a nap and you act like you're awake but you're not awake yet uh hello yeah no no i've been awake for hours no oh no no i'm on my way to work yeah no this this traffic is really bad right now yeah yeah cancer jambaloo 405. Yeah. Uh-huh. All right.

These confederate flags ain't a motherfucker. All right, Danny. Anything else? No, we good. There he goes. Danny Williams, everybody. Fun times. Comes up.

There he goes. He's on Twitter at trunk underscore liquor. I don't think I gave away Danny Archilla's Twitter handle, which is Daniel R. Archilla. Remember him? Remember that guy? Good luck spelling that. We're two for two for Danny's tonight.

I don't know what's happening on that for those of you with your bingo cards. Ooh, we know the next guy. He's been on the show a couple times. Put your hands together for Max Hoover. I would be too well Not a sweet angel So help me Jesus Hey, guys.

The NBA is back. I feel whole again. I'm a pretty big Cavs fan. Fuck you. I'm actually from Akron, Ohio, which is the same city that LeBron James is from. Believe it or not, LeBron and I are from different parts of Akron. I'm from the part of Akron that LeBron moved to. People ask me if I went to his high school, St. V.

I say, no, I went to the school that his kids go to now. It's a private school. That should be a minute as well, right? We creep in there? Blew it. We'll blow the clock. There it is. By the way, for everybody, for the rest of the history of the show,

we promise you, it only happens so often on this show, where people are like, that's about a minute. No, you didn't. And then it's like not a minute. There's that awkward four seconds. I happen to know for a fact that that is a minute. Then there's just... If you don't think it's a minute, just start dancing or something for a minute.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I timed this in the mirror four times. I don't know why everybody guesses it. Like, they all want to fucking guess for some reason. Yeah, we have a... I know it better in my head than... Great jokes tonight. One more time for Max Hoover, everybody.

Max Hoover. That LeBron shit is real. How old are you, Max? 23. Yeah. I got 10 years on you. I was in Youngstown, Ohio, when LeBron was going to high school in Akron, and he was on our news every night as this local phenom

because he was basically the size that he is now as a freshman in high school. Yeah. He was, like, drafted when I was in, like, third grade. Did you say drafted? Drafted? Did I say that? I heard, like, drafted. You don't have a giraffe on your soundboard?

Was he giraffed? That would have been the worst pun ever Oh shit Pizza Little Caesar is only the best By the way there's also a trash can That appeared in front of Jeremiah Halfway through Max Hoover's set

Also that pizza looked cold as fuck Wow There you go So a bite of the pizza has now been had For those of you keeping track that. And also that pizza looked cold as fuck. Wow. There he goes. A bite of the pizza has now been had. For those of you keeping track. We had a black guy eat chicken. Maybe an Italian guy is going to come up here and have a slice of this pizza. Get some of that

gravy. Jeremiah, that pizza is gluten-free. Max Hoover. Max, would you like a happy meal or something? No, I'm good. I mean, I'm a little hungry, but I'm just more... Stand up there, Max. Max, move up there. I'm good. I'm sorry. Let me ask you a question.

About you right now, Max. About you. We jump up and punch you. Don't. Max. Yeah. The last time you were on the show, we found out that you're from the Hoover family of vacuums.

You are Max Hoover. Of the Hoover vacuum. Wow, that sucks. We should have Michael Eric Dyson come out here. He's hilarious. The slogan for a while was nothing sucks like a Hoover. It was on trucks and shit. What grade were you getting beat up in when that was the slogan?

It was private school. You never got beat up. No, the funny thing is no one ever knew. Even close childhood friends never knew. Because there were other Hoovers that weren't even related to me. Those fucking peasant Hoovers. That had to really eat them alive. Like the ones in Nevada.

Like, are you a Hoover? Damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I'm a dad. I tell dad jokes, all right? Is there anything fun in the Hoover family, like a yacht or anything like that? You guys have anything cool? Helicopter?

No, nothing like that. Grandparents have a place down in Hilton Head, South Carolina. They're very cool. I don't know exactly what that place is. It's a golf community. I'm guessing they burn a lot of tiki torches there. It's an island for rich old white people, so yes. I used to go there all the time.

Isn't that called America? Tiki torches shaped like crosses. Max, how often do you go to Hilton Head? It used to be once a year. I haven't been in a few years, though. The family's really been talking about it, Max. Actually, though, my dad and his four brothers all go on a yearly trip somewhere with their dad, my grandpa, to hunt or fish or talk about old money.

Right. Talk about how they think little maps. What's your family's personal? I mean your immediate family, your parents. What's your dad's personal wealth? What do you think it's at? He's a stockbroker and has just done it his whole life where he – Steals people's souls. We're upper middle class.

Like, we sold the company forever ago where, like, we burned through it all. It all went to, like, getting kids through school and shit. We're, like – Getting kids through school? Whoa. What the fuck? Pay off? Like, literally, like, the only money I saw from it was just I don't have student loan debts.

That was literally it. Wow. And an upper middle class home. student loan debts. That was literally it. Wow. And an upper middle class home. Those people that go on that fishing and hunting trip really spent a lot of their fucking money. The older generation

than us, they're dicks. It'd be funny if your family collected, saved money in Hoover vacuum bags and stashed them throughout the house, like in the walls and stuff, the FBI raids, that sort of thing. Yeah, Max, when you were ever sad as a kid, did your dad say... You really thought about that one.

He did. When you're a kid... I like thinking more than performing. Never mind. No, I want to hear... Joel Berg, Joel Berg, please, go. I wanted that one, go. Max, you don't have a... You don't have a fucking decision in this. What do you mean, go?

Don't tell Joelberg to fucking go. Where are you going? Get over there. Get over there. Everybody reset mentally. Let's just pretend like everything's happening. It ain't going to be worth it. All right.

Hey, Joelberg. Hey, Max. When you were a kid and you were sad, did your dad ever say, hey, suck it up? Dude. Pussy. I'm a joke expert, and that was worth it. My parents are divorced, and my mom uses a Dyson out of spite. Wow.

Oh, shit. They're way better. You can't buy Dyson at Kmart. No, I wish I was Max Dyson. That'd be so much cooler. You should buy a Roomba just to fuck with them. Oh, there we go. She should use the Dyson to blow her new husband.

All right. Did you play cricket growing up? That's his mom you're talking about. No. My whole family, all of my dad and his brothers all played college tennis. Like, all four of them. Listen, I don't want to hear about the tough guys in your family.

I want to... Enough with those bullies. But, no, I play, like, hockey and lacrosse, so... Yeah. Similar. So, basically, cricket. So, yes, I played cricket growing up. Yeah, so it's the same thing. What position were you in hockey? so... Yeah. Similar. Of course, lacrosse. So basically cricket. So yes, I played cricket growing up. Yes, that's the same thing.

What position were you in hockey? Doggy stuff. Wing. Speaking of icing, how you doing over there, Jeremiah? Um... Max, what's the craziest thing you've ever eaten?

Other than another man's asshole Oh my And that was a dare Fuck yeah I've had I had that What's that duck liver stuff called? Pate?

Foie gras? That, yeah, foie gras or whatever For breakfast every day as a kid? Yeah On toast with eggs foie gras? That, yeah. Foie gras or whatever. I had that. For breakfast every day as a kid? Yeah. On toast with eggs. It was sprinkled into omelets, yeah. Mummy!

No, I ate that once, but I thought it was chocolate. And when you're anticipating it to be chocolate, and it's about the opposite of that. Mummy, this isn't chocolate. It's foie gras. I sent it back immediately. I didn't want the immediately. I spat it out and I yelled garçon. You really do seem like one of the

spoiled kids from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. Or any ski movie. He's the bad guy. He looks like Ricky Schroeder from... Max, were you raised... You look like your private garden has a colored section. Oh, wow.

For the different colors of flowers. Max, were you raised Catholic? No. I was going to say, it brings a new meaning to ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Because he's from the vacuum family, everybody. It's good. I didn't get that. I tried.

All right. Well, Max. Hey, you. I didn't get that. I tried. All right, well, Max. Hey, you're trying to do stand-up. What do you call it upright? Yes. That joke actually deserved more credit. That's a pretty smart joke. Brilliant.

Thanks, Jeremiah. Really good. What's going on in your personal life? Anything crazy or fun happen lately? Not a ton. Just went back home for Thanksgiving. That was fun. You guys catch your own turkey? Yeah, we went out.

Well, you know, there's an old tradition at our house for Thanksgiving. The pops and the grandpa and the other brothers, four brothers, they all go out and they play catch for a few hours. They come back holding their asses. Whoever wins the tennis match has to catch the turkey. Toss the old pig skin around. I got it by the gullet. But that dynamic was fun, actually, just because going home, no one really...

What's your grandpa like? Is he still like really like, you kids. Wait, is he the one that started Hoover? No, no, no, no. He was never even involved. Who was the guy? Great, great, great. Was it Jay Edgar?

Jay Edgar, yeah. Wait, great, great, great. He was moonlighting three times. He crossed dressed and then also started a vacuum company. How did he start a vacuum that long ago? Great, great, great? Yeah, it was by the time I... Wait, how old's your dad?

What was it, just like... My dad's 46. So your dad's younger than me. I don't know how old he was. What the fuck? I'm older than his fucking dad! My parents were dumb. They had me when I was like my age, yeah.

Yeah, you're older than your dad. But had me when I was my age. You're older than your dad. It was interesting. Chooch, you're driving. The fam actually doesn't know that I do stand-up, so that's kind of fun. Now, why is it that you haven't told them? You're afraid that they're going to be upset about that. Yeah, well, no, exactly.

We're like, I kind of have a normal job as well. What's that? What's your normal job? I'm a stockbroker. Civil engineer. As opposed to those really unruly ones. Yeah. I said I'm fucking building something! They just let black people work for the company.

Polite as fuck. But no, I... So they think you're just engineering and just, well, you know, Max, he just goes to bed early at night, every night. Not available to talk after 8pm. He sleeps from 8 till 8 the next morning. Max really gets his sleep.

Engineering things. So civilized. So, when are you planning on telling them? How long have you been doing it, Max? I've been doing it... It was like a year, a couple weeks ago, actually. Oh, you had an anniversary. Does your sister know?

Does anyone else know? My mom is the only one that knows. Ooh. I promise you, Max, I will not tell father. Thank you. Maxie! Oh, father, no! My little father. Thank you. Max, you have my little gentleman. I can't take him respecting me any less. What do you mean you do stock up, Max?

Yeah. After all the money I put into your education. That's like half of it. Dude, Jeremiah got a bag of ravioli. From the finest restaurant, a bag of pasta. A bag of bow tie. A vacuum bag of pasta. A small Ziploc bag for you.

A young chef he knew by the name of Boyati. Max, I've been watching you on this internet show, Kill Tony. What are you doing with your family name? Oh my God. His grandfather's Lois's father from Family Guy. Blow me down. It's like some broke-ass version of Postmates where they bring you food in Tupperware and Ziploc bags and everything's cold. He made it halfway through the pizza.

He ate sort of, I don't know how much. He broke the bread. He ate some chicken. He's a champion. Some ice cream. Chugged an entire high-life bottle of apple juice. Joel should have gotten sparkling soda. You watch your fucking mouth.

It would have been funnier if it had seeds in it. That's a high sugar content. Or just a dual. Got it at Vons. Apple seeds. Is that what you mean? Oh, hilarious. Apple seeds is what got you.

We'll see at the final weigh-in how much you're laughing. Hitchcliffe. We'll see if Jeremiah is still alive at the final weigh-in. Hey, we can weigh the casket. It's fine. My plan is working. Yeah, casket weigh-in. Dead weight weighs more.

Max, how many of your brothers and family members look like Jeremiah Watkins? Well, there's no brothers in my family. What do you... Brothers, get it? Does everybody in your family look like a form of a Lannister? Most. My actual immediate siblings are adopted, but that's a whole other thing. A Lannister?

Of course they are. Oh, that's essence. Wait, did they go and adopt non-whites? No, they look like us. Do you have anything with a little bit more blonde with blue eyes? That's a scootin'. I'm not racist, but I like to do it alphabetically,

so I'd like to see the Aryan children first. Do you ever have a section with any less, how do you say, brunettes? Tony, they call themselves the clanisters. I like them melanin-less. Can I have this one but with blue eyes? This vacuum powered by white power. All right, Max. Hey, you should move to south of the 10.

You could be part of the Hoover Cribs. They would love me, I'm sure. All right, Max. Did you have fun here tonight? I had a blast. There he goes. Max Hoover, everybody. He's on Twitter at NotMaxHoover.

NotMaxHoover. He's really throwing his parents off with that one. He's at NotMaxHoover. NotMaxHoover. He's really throwing his parents off with that one. He's at NotMaxHoover. You'll never find me. You'll never take me alive, copper. There's rumors that you're on this Twitter application. We got some more food arriving for Jeremiah, Tony.

How many small bites out of big things can Jeremiah take tonight? For those of you listening to the podcast, the gag is not working. You're going to gain weight and lose money.

You're good. There goes one small bite into a chocolate-covered croissant. Why do I feel like Max Hoover delivered those here? You're going to go straight diabetes tonight, man. That's what we're trying.

We're hoping. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. This is an interesting, interesting character. She's been on the show a couple times, maybe two or three times. And the first time she rapped. And we were surprised to see the second time she rapped. She decided to do it again.

And let's see what happens here tonight. Put your hands together for Bunny! Two exclamation points, people. Bunny with two exclamation points. Make some noise for Bunny, everyone. Make some noise. Check it, check it. Uh, uh, uh.

No, I'm just kidding. I'm actually going to do stand-up. All right. So something kind of dark about me is I used to be a cutter. I used to self-harm, but I don't want you guys to worry because those days are long behind me. Now I am just a crazy cat lady, and my cats do all my cutting for me. It's super convenient, too, because back in the day I used to have to hunt around for my razor blades and my good Charlotte CDs anytime I wanted to do a line.

my razor blades and my good Charlotte CDs anytime I wanted to do a line. But now, whenever I'm feeling sad, I just go up to one of my cats and give them a nice big belly rub. They really fuck my shit up. They're like my cute little kitty cutting kits. I love it. I really, I have two cats.

I really want a third. The only thing is I only adopt a cat when I've had an abortion. I see it kind of like end of life, save a life. Just trying to be a good person. Alright, that's it. Thanks, guys. Bunny, everybody!

There's a minute. Bunny. How fast can we get you rapping again? I have one. I'm going to be honest with you. I spent the back 30 seconds of your set cracking up hysterically watching Jeremiah holding back vomiting right now. I know. I was worried about that.

He's really about to puke. I don't even think it has anything to do with the food. I think he was paying attention to you, Bunny. No, come on. I'm just kidding. I think he's going to blow, Tony. Really, come on. I'm just kidding. I think he's gonna blow, Tony. Really? Oh, I would love to see this.

In VR 360, Bunny, don't block the VR camera. Don't stand between that little cylinder and Jeremiah. It's okay. Right there. I've been puked on way too much lately. Bunny, go that way. Go that way. I'd tell you to cut it out, but you know. Right there. Right there. It's perfect. Right there. Right there. Jeremiah, those croissants are gluten-free.

He's still eating. All right, Bunny. You can step back forward again. You're not just between them. I think. There you go. Perfect. Right there.

Right there. Perfect. Look at you. I think we're all thinking, like, why didn't you rap again? I know I want to rap, but then I don't know. I'm just trying to make you guys happy. I don't know what to do. Can I give some advice?

What? Don't ever perform for other comedians. If this is your strong suit is rapping, go for it. Thank you. Thank you. I like how nobody supported me at all with that feedback.

You should never perform for what other comedians think is funny. Like, you do you. If rapping or something not conventional is your thing, follow that. There you go. Bunny getting some great advice from Pig. Jeremiah Watkins. You can peak on me any time.

Bunny and Pig, everyone. You guys can have your own little sitcom. He just eats continuously. She dresses like a substitute teacher in a porno. Together, they're Bunny and Pig. Everybody loves Bunny and Pig. I feel like that's about to happen. All right, you kids are about to learn a fucking lesson today.

Fuck yeah. Am I right? You know how I told you I like cats? Well, I like pussy. Oh. Sorry, I got way too into it. Bunny, why do you go by the name Bunny? Is that your name?

Yeah, well, it's a gap tooth thing. People used to make fun of me, and then I used it to my advantage. What do they make fun of you about now? Well, because I had big gap teeth before I had any other tooth. But how about now? What do they make fun of you about now?

Being, like, thinking I'm slutty. Hey, we're not here to judge, Bunny. I don't know. Let's go talk about this. I think he's going to show Bunny his rabbit's foot. Hello. That's a deer hoof.

The bunny is rabbit's foot. Hello. That's a deer hoof. Oh, wow. Bunny, I noticed that there's two exclamation points after your name. No, don't hold it up to his face. Let it happen, Joel. Tickle him.

Come on, dude. This is show business, bro. Let me block it. Because I'm going to have to clean it up. Do it in your sacks Tickle him. Come on, dude. This is show business, bro. Let me block it. Do it in your sacks if you're committed. We're going to get a Hoover's family to come do it. We'll have a... What was his name? So what is your name, Bunny?

Danny Archilla. Clean it up. I was born Irene Marie Sternivant. Sternivant? Yeah, exactly. That's terrible. And what is it now? Bunny what? This is Bunny. Bunny with two exclamation points. All caps, two exclamation points. Either way, with either name, you still sound like a typist from the 50s. Okay.

Get out here and release sternaments in here. My mom was a typist. It's true. Bunny sounds like she'd be the secretary for Max Hoover's grandfather. Bunny! Bunny, did you get those papers I put on your desk? Has Max been attending his classes

at a good noted time? Bunny, send a telegraph for me. Bunny, my ink vial is empty. Bunny. Bunny. Bunny, it's the wife's birthday did you pick up some flowers and candy

money what did you do with the money I gave you to invest in trains it's the only certain form of transportation everything else is only temporary it's a wise investment. All right.

I got a question. Why is he always yelling? Bunny, what was the best insult you ever heard? Like, one where you were actually like, oh, that's pretty good. Somebody told me I had a face that should be drowned in a bathtub, and I loved that.

Sounds hilarious. That is the best one. You're right. Not what your parents said. What did somebody that... Fuck yeah. She does have a face. Only a mother could tub. There you go. That's a joke about

mom drowning kid. Smarter than it is funny but I'll take it at the end. You can rewind it and watch it again. Where are you from, Bunny? I grew up in Massachusetts. I'm an asshole. Wow. Does that rewind it and watch it again. Where are you from, Bunny? I grew up in Massachusetts. I'm an asshole. Wow. Does that ever get a laugh? No. Well, it does from guys that are trying to fuck her.

Oh, yeah. You are an asshole. Bunny, you're so funny. Oh, they rhyme. Want another drink? Oh, oh, oh. Oh, Bunny. Shots, shots. Yeah.

Bunny, are you missing a toe? Am I missing a toe? Mm-hmm. That's a good question. Does somebody have your... Bunny, does somebody have your toe for good luck somewhere? What? All right.

Oh, I get it. Wait, what? Are you missing a toe? Oh, man, I'm super confused. Wait, are you? You look like you are. I don't even know who's talking right now. Is that God?

Bunny, you're looking around. It's a whole show. There is no God, Bunny. Don't worry. It feels to me like Bunny's missing a toe. It feels like she's hiding something, you know? I would guess there's just a toe that she's missing. Bunny, do you have any...

Are you trying to see her feet? Are you missing any body parts? Because I'm not opposed to it. It was just a big Lebowski joke. Greg Fitzsimmons is on the phone. He wants you to take off your shoes. I don't know what's going on here, but we're... I have extra body parts, but I'm not missing any. There's four different inside jokes, I think,

happening about something on a podcast. Bunny, what do you do for work? I get pulled out of magician's hats. I keep on... Right now I'm a stay-at-home cat, Mom. What does that mean? How do you make a living?

I get pulled out of a magician's hat. She gets money from the government. This might be the last month. And then what's going to happen? It's going to catch up with you. The last month. I'm just kidding. My parents take care of me.

I'll be fine. What are you? Is your real name Bunny Dyson? What do your parents do? I wish. No, my parents are retired. Yeah, what did they used to do? I don. No, my parents are retired, but... Yeah, what did they used to do? I don't know.

My dad sold cars. My mom was a typist. Is that true? Wow, very good. Extra bonus points on your bingo cards for Pat Reagan. Hey, tear the bingo cards and light them on fire. Yeah, light those imaginary bingo cards on fire indeed. And light yourself on fire while you're at it. Yeah. And go shoot

Donald Trump. Yeah, if you're playing that imaginary bingo, go light yourself on fire. Bunny, what's the weirdest thing you've ever done in your life? The weirdest thing? Yeah, just first thing that pops in your head, really. I don't know. I've jumped out of an airplane. Really?

That's not really that weird. It's just fun. Well, I mean, it's weird if it was a commercial flight, yeah. Are you a cutter or a splatter? Because she would have... That also deserved more. But you had another person attached to you, right? I did.

Yeah. Someone to pull. With a bagel... Yeah. What is that? I was going to say, yeah, I did. With a bagel. What is that? I was going to say a big boner to try to be funny, but I can't make anyone laugh. But he didn't have a boner, did he? How thick was he?

The guy that's attached to her when she jumped out of the plane. She's saying, I'm trying to figure out... He did, but then she started rapping. Okay. I've actually gotten that before. Rapping while skydiving? That sounds like my worst nightmare. Now when you say you rap,

are you into hip hop or? No. No. She works at Macy's during the holidays. Is Beyonce hip hop? No. Beyonce's definitely not fucking hip-hop. I'm insulted.

Do you know any Eric B. and Rakim songs? What's the longest you've ever been in a relationship with a guy? Nothing's been real. That's not an answer to the question at all. Then never. Nothing. What do you mean? I don't do relationships.

Have you ever had a boyfriend? No. Never in your life? Every guy that hangs out with you ends up with the same look on his face as Jeremiah has right now after eating all that food. What have I gotten myself into?

It's all set up for that. No boyfriend. What else is interesting about you, Bunny? Tell us some more fun facts about Bunny. Any other special skills or talents or anything? Yeah, I can do some impressions. Oh, great. We love impressions, and one of our favorite things on this show

is to have an impression off between a truly great impressionist, Jeremiah Watkins. This is going to be an interesting one. A very special, extra heavyweight episode of impression-off. This is where the person who says they can do impressions, they get to do whatever impression they want, and then Jeremiah responds showing how easily he could do that very basic impression. Okay.

And normally people use the same list of people. So we're going to see what Bunny does here tonight. What's your first impression, Bunny? Tell us what it is before you do it. This is my impression of a diva sneezing. Oh, okay. So these aren't real things. Oh, is that not an impression? No, it's not. That's not even what an impression is.

Okay, then I can do Marge Simpson. Okay, let's hear your Marge Simpson. Face that way. There you go. Maggie's driving the car. Oh, she's stressed out. She's a stressed out Marge Simpson. Wow. I have an impression.

I have an impression of Marge Simpson stressed out if she didn't sound like Marge Simpson. Can I take over this one? Can I do a Marge Simpson? Yes, sir. Here's what an actual Marge Simpson sounds like. Oh, homie, get off bars. There you go. We're not even going to dignify your bad impression

with the Jeremiah response. We're going to give you a red bear response at a discounted rate. Do you guys see what Jeremiah is doing? You see what Jeremiah is doing? He doesn't even do impressions. I mean, he does, but he doesn't. He can't.

He's doing straight powdered sugar. He's gone through two of his four impressions. Tony, you see what Jeremiah's eating? Wait. Pure cocaine. Oh, wow. It's really gotten down to sugar. Cocaine's not going to help weight gain.

It's really gotten down to the wired. It's powdered sugar. He said by any means necessary. Fuck yeah. Definitely cocaine after that apple juice conundrum. If he wouldn't drink a bottle of High Life, we know he's eating cocaine for his first drug ever. That's dried out LaCroix.

Your pee is going to be so fucking bright. Totally cocaine. Look at him just munching through it. Oh, delicious, delicious cocaine. No, it's powdered sugar. What is he looking at? It's like looking above me. Are you having a stroke right now?

It's like trying to look me in the eye. Are you okay, Jeremiah? How many Tonys do you see? When we first started, he was sick already. Is it the few bites of flour that put you over the edge? I don't feel very good. Wow. Oh, that wasn feel very good. Wow. Oh, that wasn't very nice.

There we go. All right, Bunny, let's do another impression. Who's another person that you can do an impression of? I just want to do my diva sneeze. No, no. That's it. I thought I got impressions wrong. I thought impressions were like... They kind of have to be people we know.

No, no. I've heard of a diva sneezing before. Haven't you guys? I would like to hear that. Fuck yeah. Diva sneeze? You mean you sneeze like Tony? Yeah, that'd be funny if I was able to have the ability to sneeze. I've never sneezed in my life. It's true, actually.

I'm a human cyborg. I don't sneeze. Nobody claps for a human that doesn't sneeze. Anyway, it's not true. I sneeze.

That's a joke. Bunny, what's another, can we, let's hear the diva sneeze. Go ahead. Let's hear, yeah,

let's hear your diva sneeze. So this is... Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha-choo! Ha-choo! Oh, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh! There you go. Christina Haggielera, everybody. Hi! There you go. Christina Aguilera, everybody. Diva sneeze. Sorry. That's what I was going to say.

If you change it to Christina Aguilera sneezing, then people will be on board. Yeah, you should do that instead, yeah. Yeah. Definitely say Christina Aguilera. Here, let's try it again. Diva. She is a diva. I know, but you can be more specific, and then it'll get...

You see what I'm saying? And you almost hit your... Thank you! You almost hurt your splitterus when you hit the ground. Splitterus! That is fun. Bunny, you don't seem very smart.

You're right. What do you think is the smartest thing about you? Like, do you have any knowledge of something? Like, if you had to teach a class on something, what would that class be? No, I agree. I'm not the smartest, but I think that that's why I'm a happy person.

Because I just stay down. Because ignorance is bliss. If you were going to teach a class, though, if you had to take your knowledge of one thing and teach a class, what class would that be? Aerobics. That's a size. If it could be anything.

How to get pulled out of a magician's hat I'm good with like kids I teach people how to like Oh I know how to potty train really good I know how to potty train kids How do you know how to potty train? Because I was a nanny for a long time You make them drink a lot of fluids

And then you force them to go to the bathroom Every five minutes I think the fluids kind of force them at that point. Well, then, you know. Hashtag just saying. Well, if anybody out there needs me to train their kid, I'm looking for jobs. I think you're doing a good job. I saw a lot of the audience members go up to use the bathroom during your set, Bunny.

I don't think my wife would let you in the house. She'd be like, no, you're going to try and fuck that nanny. I'm not going to let her in. There she goes, Bunny, everybody. That's our time with Bunny. Bunny made a funny on Instagram. That's her Instagram handle. It says Insta.

All right. This is the new nanny, Bunny. All right. Jeremiah just ate a half a bag. He did go hard on the Doritos and a huge bite of a Pop-Tart now. But can he finish those Pop-Tarts in one minute? Both of those. Can he do it?

He said, I can't eat anything more spicy. So I brought him Pop-Tarts in one minute? Both of those. Can he do it? He said, I can't eat anything more spicy. So I brought him Pop-Tarts. All right. That's very sweet of you. Just counting. Tony, what have you had to eat in the past since the show started? The show started? Nothing.

That's interesting. Yeah, you're looking a little light in the loafers. What did you get to drink, Tony? Can I ask a serious question? Did you guys weigh yourself for realsies? Is there an accurate number that we both have judges going, yes, they're not fucking with us? Yeah, we weighed in.

We both agree on our weigh-ins. What did you weigh in at? I had 138.5. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ, we got eight? What the fuck? You son of a bitch. That's like half of my girlfriend. That's like half my girlfriend.

That's not my fault, Brian. I was 166.7. Wow. Well, I think that's all changed, Jeremiah. Yeah. All that apple juice. Did you get your cholesterol and shit checked beforehand? No.

All that apple juice. Did you get your cholesterol and shit checked beforehand? No. 166.7 of gluten-free ferocity comedy machine. Fuck yeah. I pulled another name out of the bucket, everybody.

Put your hands together for Oscar Vargas. Yeah, we'll go to her next. We were delayed on our start. Are you having fun? I was going to sell us a car right now. I know, I know. I'm sorry, guys. I don't look like a Jehovah's Witness right now.

Dude, I wish I had a better story. I just hauled ass from work, though. Tony was nice enough to let me on the list. It's cool, though. People were actually really nice let me on the list. It's cool, though. People were actually really nice to me outside. They thought I was a producer. I gave out like four TV deals. I just work at a bank, though.

Nothing crazy. Sorry, you guys. I really did used to be a Jehovah's Witness. Growing up, I was that kid going door to door on Saturdays, trying to drum up business or whatever. And I was actually pretty badass, man. I swear to Jehovah, I was the best guy. It's rough, though, because the rejection door to door,

it stays with you, man. I'm 26 now. I don't let people get emotionally close now. I keep them like, ugh. I was at McDonald's the other day, and the guy was like, hey, man, how are you? I was like, ah, hey, slow it down, man. Take it easy I was like, bro, I barely have enough emotional energy

For like a McChicken I'm not trying to get a McFriend right now I've been Oscar Vargas Thank you guys Oscar Vargas, ladies and gentlemen There you go, with a minute Oscar Hey guys

Hey Oscar, so tell me what the next Golden Boy promotion is. Oscar, how long have you been a pallbearer? Yeah. Too long. It seemed like that was a funeral intro, wasn't it? I know, right? Yeah, and then all of his jokes died on stage. Aw. funeral intro, wasn't it? Yeah, and then all of his jokes died on stage.

Hey, speaking of dying, are you still a Jehovah's Witness? No. You got out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I escaped it, man. How do you get out? What do you just go? You just stop going and then you just lie to them but you don't celebrate Christmas anymore. You join the Jehovah's Witness protection program. Ha, ha, ha, yeah!

I don't want him. I don't want him. That's my trainer, Patty Reagan, right there. Yeah. You know why there's no black Jehovah's Witnesses? Because they don't see shit. I just see shit. Oscar, you said...

Ain't no witnesses. You work at a bank? Yeah. Chase? Nah, man. It's one that's been in the news a lot lately. Oh, Wells Fargo. It rhymes with that.

Wells Fargo. You work at my branch, by the way. I just realized. Yeah, you do. What city? I'm not saying. I don't want to get you in trouble. I have never seen you. Believe me, I would see you. I look different during the day. Oh, my God.

No, no, no. Oscar, how many times have you done stand-up? I've been, I don't know about times, but it's been four years. Wow. I try to, yeah. What do you usually dress like? Oh, man, just real casual, just like a T-shirt and jeans. I was rushing over here. It took me like an hour to get over here.

Where are you from? La Mirada. So no red band. I don't think that's your branch. La Mirada. La Mirada. That's an hour away? East? Yeah, I live in Whittier though. Have you ever signed up for the show before?

One time. I think your act could have been Whittier. Yeah. I dated Miss Whittier. All right. You dated Pernell Whitaker. That's what you did. Oh, yeah. You said you've been doing it how long?

Four years. Four years. Four years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Keep that Wells Fargo job. Is it fun working at a bank? Is it tough seeing people go broke and shit? No, no, no. I can get awkward sometimes, but nothing crazy. What's your title there? I'm a business banker there. Ooh, business banker.

So you just deal with business accounts? Business owners, yeah. So you're the one of the guys that made all the fake accounts. You're a business maker. If you ever thought still there, it was not me. You're a business maker? Yeah. And you're single?

No. You're not? No. You met your homemaker? You guys combined home and business and just make. Now you got to make a baby? Yeah, she's going to grow up to be like Bunny. He's not white.

Maybe it'll be like a Chupacabra or something like that. That's better. That works. How long you been with It's A Wife? It's A Wife. It's A Wife! It's coming up on nine years. Nine years!

When I talk about it, I up on nine years. Nine years? Nine years. When I talk about her, I start to sound Italian. Nine years. Nine years and from the 40s. That's that long-term stuff. She's a great dame. Tell those Hoovers across town that they're in big trouble. You got to see the stems on this dame.

Did you hear the Larguses moved in across town? Disgusting brown people. Get off my lawn. Oscar, it's true. You're dressed like a pallbearer and a corpse at the same time. It's very interesting. Hard to pull off both. I feel like you're going to give me a really good deal on a Hyundai. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on down, man.

Come on down. What's your wife do? She's a student mainly. She's got a job at school right now also doing after school programs with them how old are you? 26 been with her since you were fucking whatever the math is on that 17

it's the only woman you've ever been with? no slow down Oscar don't get too fucking overzealous first girl though My first relationship was with Christ We used to see each other across the watchtower How many other girls have you been with Oscar?

Were you working at a sperm bank? Bear in mind you've been with your ladies? Were you working at a sperm bank? Bear in mind, you've been with your ladies in 17, so if she listens to this, you might want to tell us the number you told her. It's only been one before. Give him a hand.

Jeremiah's looking a little squeamish, Tony. Jeremiah, are you okay? Jeremiah's holding strong, everybody. It's okay. If it happens, it happens. Joel, put down the trash can. I don's holding strong, everybody. It's okay. If it happens, it happens. Joel, put down the trash can. I don't want you to be the trash can holder. Stand in the background.

Eat all the bread you want, but please don't lift up the trash can. This is going to happen. I want it to happen organically, damn it. Yeah, you don't have to work so hard. Yeah, let the people in VR360 see this. He's still eating a second Pop-Tart. It's very impressive. Dude, I can't believe you're actually doing this. He's eating a full breakfast only in the

past two minutes. I want you to know, Jeremiah, puking is not how you gain weight. You better hold on to that. Are you studying to be a supermodel? No. You're trying to gain weight. Dude, you should have some raw eggs right now. I have some in my car. Oscar, you've been with her nine years. Now, have you ever thought about

recently being with another lady, or was this all before your nine years with her? Well, I mean, you know, we had a break for a few six months. Damn. So in that six months, you went buck wild?

You know what? You kind of have to. So, like, what happened? What'd you do? You kind of have to. So what happened? What did you do? You kind of have to. Sometimes these broads give you a hard time, don't they? Give us an example of what you did. I mean, well, you come out of, that was like three years ago. So you're six years in and then you kind of wake up. You take a time machine into online baking.

Wake up, grab a brush, put a little makeup. So at 20 you woke up? Yeah. I didn't think we were going to get back together. You are apart now? No, we're together now. That was three years ago. We had a baby seven months ago.

It's going awesome. What did you name your baby? His name is Leo. Leo Vargas. Leonardo Antonio, a whole Italian thing. What's his sign? Well, seven months ago. Do the math.

What is he, a Gemini? I'm a Gemini. Whatever April is, that's what he is. Ah, he's a fool. Wait, you don't know your baby's horoscope sign, bro? One of them there April Fools.

You're 24, you said? 26. I'm 26. He's two years younger than my career. Wow. That's crazy. He's been with a bitch nine years and has a kid already. Oh, my God.

That's congratulations. Thank you, brother. Oscar, what are some other things that you're into? What do you do for fun or hobbies and things like that? Jump fools. I go monogamous. That's what I do for a hobby. I'm into monogamy and mahogany.

I'm into both of them. I've been in a relationship with one piece of wood for 90 years. Running 5Ks is kind of what I grew up doing. Slow down. I run 5Ks with the Lord. He actually carries me through the 5Ks. There's only one set of footprints.

The funny thing is, it's America and nobody knows how much 5K is. It's really only like 2.6 miles. There's just Nike Air Max prints in the ground, and that's Jesus. What else other than 5Ks? Nike Air Max sandals. Oh, man. I mean, recently it's just been a lot of staying home for the baby and just trying to get out whenever we could.

Movies. We've got to love movies. Did you see Coco? Not yet. No. Bad father. Are you in love with the Coco? Yes. Alright.

I don't know if it's going to sound rapey or how it's going to sound. I love this. Right when I was getting sick of you, Oscar, you come out with that line and I fell in love all over again. I don't know if it's going to sound rapey either, but let's find out. Welcome to another episode of This Might Sound Rapey.

Go ahead, Oscar. No, no, no. It's not going to go where you think it's going to go. I've actually... Oh, it's already rapey as fuck. That's the start of every rape, right? This isn't going to go how you think it's going to go. This wasn't going to be a rape,

I think Mbop is the proper rape song. I wasn't going to touch you when you were sleeping. This isn't going to go how I thought it was going to go. No, it's... All right, this might be rapey. Go ahead. Go ahead, rapey Oscar. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

As I look you in the eyes. Now, I've actually been to your house before. You've been to my house? While you were there. That's why I said it's going to sound rapey Oscar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As I look you in the eyes. Now, I've actually been to your house before. You've been to my house? While you were there. That's why I said it's going to sound rapey. Whoa! This did not go the way

I thought it was going to go. Yeah, that's what I said. This is much rapier than I thought it was going to be. Russell. I've been in your house, Russell. Were you my gardener? You were?

No, no, no. Shit, you were his gardener? No, no, no, no. All right. Oh, my God. Next. Well, you got to get to the bottom of this. What's about to happen?

Yeah, yeah. Russell's interested now. He's like, what's going on, man? And why does my answer? It's redoing a loan. No, it was, I think, two years ago. No, I just went over with Dylan Garcia. Comedian Dylan Garcia.

He's awesome. Shout out to Dylan. In Malibu? In Malibu. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was pretty awesome to see Success to that level It's a tiny house And I'm sure the feeling is mutual

I'm sure it's just as rewarding For a guy like Russell To get to see a performer like you Perform like you did tonight And remind him of how talented he is You know what I mean? So it goes both ways. You get the inspiration, he gets the acknowledgement of how far

he's come. You inspire, I affirm. Thank you. Alright, Oscar, we're going to keep moving through this show. It was nice to meet you, buddy. Good to see you again, Oscar. Hey! Congrats on little Leo. Dressed for success Oscar Vargas

I think he just Baba buoyed us With fucking Dylan Garcia Yeah He did You can bank on that Alright This is the part of the show

Where we have a regular That comes out Every single week We're gonna go back To the bucket after this Is it Lila? No Layla

It's Layla It's Ally It's Layla Allie Wait so did that guy Rate her? Layla. It's Layla. It's Allie. Wait, so did that guy rape her? Layla! You know her, you love her. She's the one and only Kill Tony regular. Put your hands together for the great. A new minute every single week by Allie McCoskey, everybody.

I went to Starbucks today, and I noticed that they have a hat code. They have to wear hats for health and safety reasons. But it's L.A., so they don't wear standard hats. Everyone's trying to get their personality out in their hat wear. Today I went in, and my barista was wearing a fedora with a feather in it. I don't want to order a drink from Criss Angel. Order for Allie? Thanks. Wait, where'd my drink go? I don't want Johnny Depp taking my order.

I'd be pissed if my Starbucks employee was wearing a top hat. The only reason you should be wearing a top hat is to hide your fedora. It's not Hogwarts for hats. You can't just pick your own. Just wear a standard hat. If I wanted uniqueness, I would go to Pete's. Thank you.

That's a very good copy. You're looking more and more girly nowadays. What's your problem? I don't know. I love makeup. I know. I noticed. I don't remember you with makeup before. You got a little diamond on your tooth. A little lip sheen going on.

Your hair's growing in. It's growing in. Your mom's here. You're on fire, lady. Yeah. Where's your mom at right now? She's in the booth in the back. She always tells me to wear.

The great Mrs. Makovsky, ladies and gentlemen. The creator of our one and only regular. Good job. My mom always tells me to wear makeup on stage. You look good with makeup. Thank you. Yeah, it's fun, but sometimes I just don't feel like doing it. It's a lot of money.

It's a lot of time. I mean, you're not wearing a shitload of it. I mean, you know. Thank you. That means I've done a good job. Yeah, you did a good job if you are. I mean, I can't tell. You don't like hygiene too much.

You don't like makeup. You don't really like taking care of yourself. No, I love makeup. Hygiene's whatever. Hygiene's whatever? It's whatever. See, the thing is, I think that people over bathe. I think there's an issue. There's an epidemic

with over bathing. Jeremiah's eyebrows by the way are clenching up like that. Yeah, Jeremiah's looking pretty sick. Something might happen. Allie, over bathing. Jeremiah's eyebrows, by the way, are clenching up like that. Jeremiah's looking pretty sick. Something might happen. Allie, over here. Jeremiah's looking like hell washed over. Indeed.

And if something happens, we will be right on the case with Jeremiah looking sickly over there. I'm trying to find my exit fucking strategy here. Allie, it's been three weeks since you've been on the show, it's been three weeks since you've been on the show. It's been three weeks since you've been on the show. Three weeks.

So what's been going on in life? Great jokes, great Starbucks jokes. You're right. Pete's people get to wear what they want. I was feeling like... You know what would have been funnier on the Starbucks joke? If you got your name wrong anyway. Oh, that's funny. That's it. That's all I have.

That's all. Thank you. I'm not a good fucking punch-up guy, but... So what's been going on in normal life? Normal life? I've been watching a lot of movies. I've been going to the movies a lot. Because you have a new boyfriend now, right?

Yeah. So you watch movies with the boyfriend. No, no, no, no. I go alone. I don't like going to the movies with people. Ah. Because it's like you to the movies with people. Ah. Because it's like you're going, why would I bring someone? Because I don't want to talk during the movie.

So like, let's catch up later. Don't. It doesn't make sense. Also, you worked at a movie theater. The best thing you've seen in the past like two weeks. Oh my gosh. I saw Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. That was like phenomenal.

What is it? Yeah, it was so good. I didn't catch. What is it? Is that like an indie film or something? It's not super. Woody was phenomenal. What is it? Yeah, it was so good. Is that like an indie film or something? It's not super. Woody Harrelson's in it. He's not doing indies. Is it a period piece? No, no, no, no.

It takes place like present day. It's written by this Irish playwright who made a couple other films. And now he's trying to write a movie in the South, kind of a la the Coen brothers. But he really doesn't have the experience of being in the South to draw from, so it sort of rings untrue. Yeah.

See? Yeah. Yeah. I just realized you talk like Christian Bale. Where is he? All right. You have the same mouth. I didn't watch Coco, but my dad did,

and he said he cried like a baby. Yeah, he's only cried to Coco in the notebook, and his friend recently died. No crying. Yeah, and not when you were born either. No, definitely not. But the notebook, that'll do it. The notebook will do it, yeah. Coco will do you in too.

So what else other than movies? Three weeks since we've talked to you last, right? I don't know. I live a pretty boring life. I found out that I'm going to be training for a pretty awful job on Wednesday. But, hey, it's something. Training for a new job. You have to make money to survive.

I do. What's the job going to be? It's going to be a cashier at a Wings type of place. A Wings? A Wings, like a quick Wingstop type of place. But it's not Wingstop. Right. Oh, you just don't want to tell us in case we show up. Or in case I don't get it and then it's like, wow, she couldn't even make it.

That's a good thing. What's a good thing? Oh yeah, I leave. You don't want to be too qualified for the wing spot. You're like, fuck, maybe I should give up comedy. This wing shit is really working out. I think you could be one of the very best wing salesmen that there's ever been, though. I think you have a real leg up on the competition.

Nice. Are you ribbing her right now? I got my thigh on the prize. There you go. We need a drumstick in this one. What type of food is Joel cooking up in the back right now? I don't know. I'm kind of hungry now.

I think Jeremiah is stirring something up right now. He's got that comatose, it's about to happen look. Allie was also in a short film. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Holy shit. There is a cake coming out. Hey, they're clearing it together.

It's Rick Rosen from Jackass, everybody. Shots, shots, shots, shots, clearing it together. It's Rick Kozik from Jackass, everybody. Rick just patted his belly. Make some noise for Rick Kozik from Jackass and Joel Jimenez with a sock on his dick. Joel, shave your pussy, goddammit. Jesus. Never. Joel Berg has the pubes of a 13-year-old with Down syndrome.

That's right. It's like looking at Japanese porn. You're welcome. Those long stringies. Wow. What type of bush do you have? Is that a jet bush? I don't know.

Jeremiah. Wait. I think I don't know. Jeremiah. Wait, wait. I think much like the beer and the apple juice, I think Jeremiah just fuked in front of us. He spit up the chocolate cake. Is it any good, though? Can we make Jeremiah... Great audio listeners. Jeremiah is puking his ass out.

Snots coming from his nose. The king of Kill Tony, Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. The smell. The smell is too bad. Tony, the smell. That is Kill Tony history right there.

It's taken us 250 episodes or so to get a puker on stage. I love this. Fuck yeah. Jeremiah, how are you feeling right now? Can we get a word from Jeremiah Watkins, ladies and gentlemen?

I'm not using my mic. That puke came out of my nose. It did. Blow your nose, sure. It smells like white privilege. Hey, Jeremiah, that puukes gluten free Oh wow Oh man, Jeremiah You really have taken one for the team tonight

Eating all this food Literally vomiting For what might be the first time On the Main Room Comedy stage Quite possibly the third time in a minute. Vomit. Wow. You've blown your nose, which is in itself a huge feat.

It's actually a huge foot. Oh, wow. Going another round on that. Just going to go back here, Jeremiah. Nothing personal, buddy. Jeremiah, how do you feel? Well, the spicy food, I have spicy tears right now. So I feel pretty gross.

Hey, there's Josh Martin, everybody. Producer Josh Martin. Wow. Well, I love this. Ali, how do you feel about this happening? Out of all the people that were on stage tonight, he puked when you were on stage. Well, I think Ali's the only one that was able to handle it. It's a pretty normal response, I feel like.

You guys don't smell this? I don't smell it. No, I don't smell anything. It's gluten-free, Brian. I think it's just you. I don't think the podcast listeners can smell it either. How fucking sensitive is your nose, Red Band? Oh, I'm very sad.

I'm about to puke from his smell of puke. I feel like I'm kind of catching a drift. Don't puke into that bucket. I might have to puke in this bucket because that's what's making me about to puke. Ryan, stop trying to make yourself puke in your empty glass. I'll do it this way.

That's my man Jeremiah Watkins. Fuck yeah. One more time for the great Jeremiah Watkins Let's blast through this You think you're gonna puke again? Are you gonna leave? You're not gonna leave right? You good? Okay Josh let's get this wastebasket out of here

Jeremiah's back to his seat Ali Makovsky with another brand new minute here on Kill Tony You guys ready to go back to this motherfucking bucket? I mean, I know you've seen a lot of show. I get it. I understand. But I'm going to ask you one more time. You guys ready to go back to this bucket? How about like that area

right there? You guys hate yourselves or something? Too good, huh? A little fucking made the drive from... What the fuck? Fucking Devil's Rejects sitting over here giving me the evil eyes. Yeah. It's like an internet troll live in person.

Nice to meet you, sir. Yeah, rock and roll, dude. Wow, we know this guy. He's been on the show quite a few times. We know him because he tweets randomly. It's some normal girl in North Carolina or something like that. Put your hands together for Emmanuel Herrera. We're going to slide through this one, do one more, and then we'll be done.

Want another drink? Whoa. Whoa. You want to have a drink? Wow. Oh, Jesus Christ. As you guys know, I follow this dirty asshole on Twitter. Right? She goes, Oh my God, I'm so addicted to sucking dick, this is getting out of hand. And I replied,

you're addicted to sucking dick like kids are addicted to playing with fidget spinners. And another time she goes, fuck Game of Thrones, there's not enough dick sucking in it. And I told her, you should audition for the porn version. Game of Throats. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah.

That bitch is crazy. Anyway, that's all I got. Yeah. Wow. Well. How's it going, guys? Who would have thought that the stand-up would be hard after a guy just threw up on stage? I mean, he's stepping in the throw-up right now. No, he's not standing in the throw-up. You don't have to make things grosser than they actually are. Just throw up on my mic cable right there.

We're good, we're good. How's it going, Toby? You just called me Toby? You son of a bitch. It's like an honor to be here on Kill Toby tonight. Manuel, it's Kunta Kinte. Please, Jesus.

And Brian Redballs. Oh, fuck. Manuel, what's going on I mean you're still tweeting at this girl that was what we used to talk with you about after you did a minute of bad material now you're doing a minute of bad material about the girl you're taking the fun out of everything for us hey she sucks cock and while you just suck a stand up

yeah yeah I know she takes dicks while you just suck a stand up yeah yeah I know she takes dicks while you eat them yeah not quite hey remember when Jeremiah threw up on stage with a birthday cake it's really hard to follow it I really wish he would

have been able if he was truly a professional he would have held out to like the big clothes of the show it's really hard to follow the momentum of Jeremiah projectile vomiting into a trash can. Anyway. What's up, dude? What's going on in your real life other than tweeting at this girl? What do you do for work again? I drive a forklift.

You drive a forklift. Wow. I bet you you're the funniest guy back there. Yeah. Yeah. And that one forklift at any given time. Are you mad they didn't let you drive the spoon lift. Yeah. And that one forklift at any given time. Are you mad they didn't let you drive the spoon lift?

Yeah. I drove a clam truck back in the day. Okay. So what's been going on in your real life that's fun, Manuel? You seem like an interesting guy. You seem like the kind of guy that favorites his own tweets. Oh, yeah? Probably likes his own posts on Instagram.

Well, some chick ghosted me. Some chick roasted you? No, she ghosted me. Ghosted you? She stopped talking to me, yeah. Oh, that's when... Ghosted your list? That's when they just stopped talking to you.

And they fucking block your number. Probably should have guessed something was up when she told you her name was Casper. Oh, Jesus. So, when she ghosted you How many times had you seen her? One time I don't think that's really ghosting I think that just means she didn't like you Don't blame Patrick Swayze for this one

You could put your pottery back in the garage. I ate her out in the backseat of my car and... You met her in the backseat of your car? Applebee's car side to go. I ate her out in the backseat of my car. You ate her out in the backseat of your car?

Yeah, I ate her out. No, he ate her out. He went down on her. In the backseat of your car, which is crazy because that's a pickup truck. Now, what kind of car do you have? It's crazy because it's a forklift. Forklift? Eat that pussy, you know what I mean?

How can it be drive-thru and dine-in at the same time? Fuck, yeah. I'll eat the back meat in that backseat, you know what I mean? All right. Sure as hell wasn't a smart car. What kind of car was it that you ate her backseat in You know what I mean? All right. Sure as hell wasn't a smart car. What kind of car was it that you ate her backseat in? An Infiniti.

Ooh, an Infiniti. So you could have done it forever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Could have also tried to make the Infiniti... Ah, forget it.

We'll go with your tongue. That was also her name. Hey, Infiniti, what's up? I'm going to eat your pussy, eh? Infiniti. Hey, get in the back up? I'm going to eat your pussy, eh? Infinity, get in the backstage. Infinity. Shout out to Spearmint Rhino, homie. Infinity.

I'm finna eat that pussy. Where'd you meet this girl? Where'd you meet your ghost at? POF. What? POF. What's POF? Plenty of fish.

It's a dating app. Oh, you call it POF when you're talking P.O.F.? Plenty of Fish. It's a dating app. Oh, you call it P.O.F. for when you're talking with other people that are on Plenty of Fish. They're like, yeah, totally P.O.F., dog, like that. That's old school, though, right? That's pre-Tinder shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how you walked up to her and you were like, pfft.

Plenty of Fish is also what Manuel's backseat smells like after his one date with... So stupid. He didn't say tilapia. Plenty of tilapia. I'm not sure what she smelled like. Well, I liked it. You did? Not plenty, just kind of one. How long do you think you spent down there?

Like 40 minutes. 40 minutes in the backseat of a car. Wow, was she conscious during this? Well, yeah, of course. Did you fucking take tajin with you? No, dude. Is that how long it took you to make her come? Who was your opener?

No, I just enjoy it. Hey, if it's alright with you, I'm just going to keep going until you get any enjoyment out of this whatsoever. Hey, quick question. When I'm down there to keep going until you get any enjoyment out of this whatsoever. Quick question. When I'm down there, do you prefer flour or wheat tortillas? Fuck yeah, dude. Well, yeah, 40 minutes. You guys don't know how much I love that joke.

Flour and wheat. Get with it. I mimic a vibrator. Dude, 40 minutes, bro. I've cooked Thanksgiving dinner faster once than I ate this girl's pussy, dude. He's telling us how he does this. Okay, let's do it.

It's because I mimic a vibrator with grunting with my voice on the pussy. Can you give us an example? Can you just give us a sample? I'm not going to do that. No, yeah, you have to. Do it, do it, do it. So I don't give a fuck whether you want to do it.

Listen, Bunny fucking, what did you do? She did something, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The other kid sang Japanese songs. I mean, the least you could do is mimic a vibrator, you stuttering prick. If you don't start doing it right now, we're going to make you do it for 40 minutes once you start doing it. Hey. Go ahead.

So you basically do a DMX impression while you're eating your pussy. Where my dog at? Where my dog at? Hey, ah. Pretty much. You don't know what I feel? Yeah. Yeah.

Yo, where my lube at? Where my lube at? Yo, you're going to get it right there. Yo, I'm going to eat your pussy backwards, girl. Tony, I think you mean DM Eckie's. Eckie's going to give it to you. Did you just stop, drop? Yeah.

Took it up. Where'd you take her before the backseat of your car? You met her on Plenty of Fish. You picked her up. Was it a Mexican? Was it like Plenty of Pescado? No, dude. Mucho pescado.

Let's go give it to you. Go give it to you. Well, we went to her local Starbucks. Wait, wait, wait. Did you pick her up or did you meet her at the Starbucks? I met her at the Starbucks. Her local Starbucks, yeah. What time of the day is this?

Probably like 9.30 p.m. 9.30 p.m. at a Starbucks. Perfect time for coffee. It's gonna give it to ya. Shut him down, close-up shop. You know what I'm saying? He's like, baby, you ain't going to sleep all night. Or at least for the next 40 minutes.

All right. Hey, then the baristas are like, hey, we're closing up. You guys got to wrap it up. And I was like, okay, so we left. Wait, wait, he said wrap it up, and then you looked at her and went. Oh, yeah. It's a shame you met her on Plenty of Fish and not Instagram, or else you would be able to call her your DMX.

Oh, yeah. That's a DMX. Oh, yeah. That's a DMX, DM, and internet joke all in one. Again, smarter than it is funny, but I don't expect Kill Tony fans to be that smart. You know what I mean? Laugh about it tomorrow. Hey, hey, hey, when do you – at what point – I got a question. At what point when you're going down on a woman with your mouth, oral sex, whatever you want, at what point do you stop licking and start growling? Yeah.

You don't just start right away, just like on your way down. You're still making out with them, looking them right in the eye, and you just start going. Growl your way down there. I told her I'm going to grunt with my voice to mimic a... You warned her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want to... As a man who's eaten a lot of pussy in his life, I don't think you should ever say mimic.

When you're about... I'm going to grunt and mimic. They don't want impressions. I don't want to go like... I'm going to go down on you. I'm going to do a diva sneezing. X gon' give it to ya. Gon' give it to ya.

You know, Max Hoover... Gon' give it to ya. Max Hoover mimics a vacuum when he goes down on chicks. X gon' give it to ya. Gon' give it to ya. Yeah. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! The puppies have been released here.

Manual. I hope they're not your dogs. So, 40 minutes. At what point do you start growling? That is a great question. I want an answer to that. Well, when I know that the pussy is well and moist. So, what are we talking about? How do you decipher between your spit and her turn on?

Right. Because it keeps on coming out, you know? As you as well, I mean. Dude, I just keep eating her out until she pisses in my mouth. Ex don't give it to you. Don't give it to you. Ex don't give it to you. I make her come so hard.

Sometimes she poops, dude. Manuel, Manuel. Did it have a slight horchata taste to it? Manuel's like, when her pussy's as wet as my back is. Yeah. You're so Mexican. I've never heard of somebody having a wet back seat before. Wet back seat before. Mexico, give it to you.

Mexico, give it to you. Wet back seat? This crowd hates me for some reason tonight. Wet back seat. He was eating. Okay. That's a good one. You should copyright that.

Mexican. All right. Reco-sign it. Did she come back? So she didn't come back from all? No. No, dude. No. She almost waterboarded me, you know?

Nice. Was she a squirter? Wrong country. Look at you. You think so? Let me tell you, you know when that happens. Because you go, what? Doing comedy.

I was taking a back, you know? She was a squirter? Yeah. Dang. And she never called you back? No, dude. Was she a white girl? Half white, half Mexican.

What? Y'all gonna make me lose my mind. Up in here, up in here. Y'all gonna make me go all out. Up in here. All right, all right. Anyway, yeah, I think the grunting trip, they're all, dude. Yeah, you probably, I I mean the way you do comedy

and creep girls out we could call you a real Louis C. Quesadilla now you're awake now you're paying attention that girl hates me that guy still hates me I swear to god

I like know I think I know his screen name he's like in all he hates me oh shit Kevin Espacio I don't know it's Emmanuel this is still interesting to me 40 minutes I know He hates me. Kevin Espacio.

I don't know. This is still interesting to me. 40 minutes. I enjoy it. I partake. You partake in what? Not getting your dick sucked for 40 minutes? What do you mean you partake? You're not partaking. You're part doing.

You jerk yourself off during all this? You can't touch this. Let me get on top. I told no, because I'm not circumcised and it hurts in that position. Wait, wait, wait. What the fuck? Wait, wait. I mean, care the fuck?

Wow. You said you won't let her on top? She said she was aggressive when she was on top. If she would have gotten on top and I didn't want to. But that's a rough ride on this road.

No. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah. Oh my God. So it hurts when you're on top. No, when she's on top. Because you're not circumcised.

Right. Why aren't you circumcised? I don't know. I mean, my parents didn't want to... I don't know. We're Mexican. I don't know, dude. They didn't want to spend the money.

Normally, Mexicans love trimming around the hedges. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tony, I think tonight we found out that's not true, I think. It looks like a taquito. Yeah, yeah, yeah. More foreskin, more pleasure, no lube required, you know, with that smegma. No lube required?

Whoa. Yeah, they're dirtier, more diseases. No, not at all. Yo, you want a bag? Google it. But you just said smegma. That's not a clean thing. How do you?

Girls have smegma as well. Positive smegma. No, no, they don't. I don't know. Stop eating bitches. I have plenty of fish. Manuel, this guy's a smegalomaniac. Hey, Manuel,

how do you deal with fatigue? How do I deal with fatigue? Siesta, fool. I don't know. I just take a nap and I'm good to go. The 40 minutes in which you're using your tongue and your mouth and your voice and everything like that.

At the end of it all, do you just sound like Danny Williams? I was born with fucked up fingers, so it gives me a break with my tongue, so I just do this. Wait, what the fuck is that? It's like my fingers are fucked up, so I'm able to get to that cheese spot. My tongue is resting, my fingers are getting at it,

and that's how I get the work done. And the 40 minutes go by like nothing, dude. You know we can make the same hand motion as you. For those of you listening to the podcast, Manuel showed us that he has the hands of E.T. Can I just say that that motion that he was describing and doing with his hands was way more gross than me puking on stage tonight. It looks gross, but to them it feels good. It was like E.T. if he couldn't phone home because he didn't have a Mexican calling card.

Still here. He's a real alien, dog. Fuck yeah, man. See, why didn't you do that? You said. The aroma took me aback. The aroma? The odor? No, we get it.

The fucking odor got scent. I don't know. No, we get it. Hey, fool, the fucking odor got me. Hey, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey. The fucking odor was hardcore, bro. Dude, odor in the core, man. Like, calm down with the smells in here. Yeah, man.

Odor is border with less letters. Hey, head for the order. It's an acquired odor. You know, I'm a little better now, you know? Other than the growling thing, do you have any other tricks that you use? In the fingers? I mean, that's crazy. Double-jointed fingers.

He has a lisp, which means he has a larger tongue than he needs. Did you buy her a drink at the Starbucks? No, she peed it for herself. She peed on herself? No, she peed it for herself. Oh, she bought it for herself. What'd you get? I got a green tea. Thug life. For herself. Oh, she bought it for herself. What'd you get? I got a green tea. Wow.

Thug life. Or as you call it, pussy eating octane. Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. Sugar-free green tea. You got to get those. LT Verde. What did she drink?

What did she piss all over your face when you thought she squirted? Caramel mocha. Caramel mocha, indeed. That's the wrong hole squirting at that point. Yeah, dude. Alright, Manuel. Like a foster freeze and shit, yeah. Man, and then she goes to you.

We ate a girl's pussy for 40 minutes. She didn't give you a hand job, not a mouth, nothing. A little bit, but I was like... A little bit of what? Are you telling the truth right now? A little bit of Monica. Yeah, yeah, but I was like... A little bit of what? Are you telling the truth right now? A little bit of Monica. Yeah, yeah, but that's when she wanted to get on top. I'm like, oh, I don't want her to get on top. She's giving you a hand job. Yeah.

And then she wanted to get on top of you, and what? And you said no? I was like, no, let me go down on you more. Oh. Because you didn't want to fuck her, because every time a girl's on top of you, it hurts. Yeah. So you're never on bottom. You know that when women ride us, that's for them.

They do that for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to put aside your selfish penis sometimes. Yeah. And let them ride you because that's how they go, oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not all about us. Sometimes your dick's going to have to take one for the team.

Oh, shit. So pull your fucking turtleneck back, Emmanuel. All right. Man. All the guys in this room right now, Russell, are mad at you, and they're like, Meet me outside. Meet me outside. If any girls want to help out, let me know.

Is that true? Yeah. Is that true that you're that open about it, that if any girls wanted to jump on you? No, no, no, no. So let me ask you this. It's a joke. If you're fucking a girl in the missionary position, which is basically what? The only way that you can fuck a girl? Or doggy style, I guess, right?

It's the most Catholic way to fuck. Missionary doggy. Is there anything weird that you have to do in the missionary position or anything like that? No, no. Do you call it doggy? Just give the natives viruses. The condom helps out with the... The viruses. The condom helps out with the... The what?

The condom helps out with... Condom? She don't really want this pussy. No, dude. You're crazy. No? All right, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you ever been with a girl and not used a condom? Never. Never? Nope. Have you ever gotten... Well, you're not very Mexican, are you? Fake Mexican here. Got a fake Mexican. No, dude. No, no, no. You got to, are you? Fake Mexican here. Got a fake Mexican.

No, dude. No, no, no. You got to give her that Cinco de Mayo. Yeah, I don't want to have kids. I want to bone out, but I don't want to make a baby. He's just worried about the smegma. It's Cinco de Mayo. Yeah, dude.

All right, Manuel. Well, hopefully one day things work out better for you. Damn, I said a lot of shit, huh? Yeah, you did. It was pretty great. Hey, do you think her pussy got gingivitis or something from you from being down there so long? I don't know. No, I don't think it did.

And don't worry about all the stuff you set up here tonight. Much like that girl whose pussy you ate for 40 minutes, none of us are going to remember you tomorrow. Manuel Herrera, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Twitter, a winter snake. Comes back again and again. Wow, look at this. It's the weight gain challenge version of Ryan J. Ebelts drawing. Me hitting the gym with my trainers.

Look at that. Red Band and Russell. And then you got Jeremiah eating a bunch of food with Pat and Joel and Chroma Chris. Yeah. Look at my trainers. That's so cool. All those prints are available at RyanJBelt.com. Plus, the brand new The Art of Kill Tony book is out now.

RyanJBelt.com. Russell, any dates that you have that aren't already sold out or anything that you want to plug? We have a new show. Oh, yeah. I got a new series coming on Netflix. It's coming out in 15 days on Netflix. All right. And what's that called?

It's called The Indian Detective. Fuck it. Guess who plays The Indian Detective? Yeah. Bunny. 40 minutes in, you're going to be wishing I was eating your pussy all that time. I love it. Check that out streaming on Netflix 15 days away how about making some noise let's see how loud this place can get for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins ladies and gentlemen literally gave us his all tonight

100% I don't know why I'm challenging him to a weight gain challenge at this point. Go ahead, Jeremiah. Follow the weight gain challenge on social media. I'm at Jeremiah's stand-up. He's at Tony Hinchcliffe. And then come see stand-up on the spot, Toys for Tots edition. We're giving

all the proceeds to Toys for Tots for kids who can't afford toys for Christmas on Tuesday, December 12th. Stand up on the spot. Joe Rogan, Tony will be there, Nikki Glaser, and more TBA. Jeremiah is actually doing Toys for Tater Tots, too.

Patty Reagan, the band leader. Make some noise for Pat, everybody. Just, I don't know, monty python fuck yeah chroma chris yep just follow that hashtag you saw him with a tube sock on his dick earlier making hilarious jokes throughout the night the great joelberg joel jimenez everybody Joel Jimenez, everybody. I'm mostly sorry. Follow me.

Fucking message me. I don't care. I love you guys. Thank you. I'm doing three nights in Philly at the end of January and taking December off the road. I'm in Rosemont in Chicago the second week of January. That should be fun. And then, yeah, Philly and Dallas.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Next week we're going to be announcing some crazy things. Also, next week's show is going to be inside where we started, guys, the Belly Room for the first time in like over a year or something crazy. That would be fun. Yeah. So that's going to sell out quick.

So if you're going to be in town next week, you might as well just get them now at the Comedy Store website That's gonna fill up like crazy All the comedians will be filling the stairways And things like that Because we won't even have room for you If Jeremiah's there, it'll be the belly room for sure Josh Martin, Ali Makovsky, Brian Redband

See you guys later Thanks everybody, Have a good night. .......................................................................................... Thank you.