KILL TONY - KILL TONY #242

Episode Date: December 22, 2017

Connor McSpadden, Keith Carey, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 12/17/2017 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis?

My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... That's right. Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me.

Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv for all the past episodes, including tour dates.

If you click on tour dates, you can get tickets to see Kill Tony live, which we record every Monday at the world-famous Comedy Store. We also do a comedy show at the Ice House every first and third Friday. That's called the Ice House Chronicles. And December 29th, if you're in Los Angeles after Christmas, before New Year's, it's a Friday. We are doing

a Death Squad show at the Hollywood Improv. You can get all these ticket links by going to DeathSquad.TV and clicking on Tour Dates. Also, Kill Tony, Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony is there, including his tour dates and all his information. You can check it out by going to TonyHinchcliffe.com.

Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He also draws every single episode, and he took all those drawings and made it a book. The Kill Tony book is available for pre-order right now. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. If you want the Death Squad Kill Tony shirt, you gotta go to shopsquad.tv. Shop Squad is the official merchandise

of the Death Squad universe, and Kill Tony's shirt is there. There's only a few left, though. Last time I checked, there was like seven shirts left. So if you want to go to it, go to shopsquad.tv. We also just released to go to it, go to shop squad dot TV. We also just released brand new mugs, death squad mugs. If you had the old one, you know, it was an awesome mug, really high quality.

We have a new design and we also brought back the old design. So if you go to shop squad dot TV, you can check them out there. All right, guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Bank coming to you live from the world famous comedy store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchclere. What? Hi, everybody. Hello.

Happy Monday to you. Good evening. You guys ready for a fucking rock and roll show tonight or what? Make some fucking noise. It's a Monday. There's an echo. Sounds like we're performing in some type of airplane hangar or something like that tonight. Two, two. Hello. The great Brian Redband is here, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Redband.

We're going to have some fun tonight. Great artist Ryan J. Ebelt is here right there drawing tonight's episode. Drew, Kill Tony the book available now at ryanjebel.com. So make sure you get that. So sweet, man. I was looking at it again today. I look at it every day. Me too.

It's like my little Kill Tony Bible. So fuck yeah. I'm excited about a lot of stuff. I'm about to be in Chicago Illinois In a couple weeks performing there And Philadelphia Pennsylvania I'm headlining the Rose Mountzainis And Philadelphia Helium

The last weekend in January This is our last show of 2017 Wow it is Thank you to everybody for an amazing year You know 2018 Brian Do you realize that in June we're going to get to celebrate a five-year anniversary of the show that you're at tonight? Do you have any idea how crazy that is in the live podcast world? There's nobody like us.

We're the fucking best. I'm excited about tonight's episode. Should we just jump into it? Sure. All right. Every single week I guarantee you two of the funniest fucking human beings in the world. Two of my favorite

comedians. This week is no different. Two of the brightest fucking young up and coming superstars in the world. You know them from Rose Spaddle and from their amazing truly, truly funny podcast. The Mean Boys Podcast. Make some noise for two of my favorite fucking young dudes. The great Connor McSpadden and Keith Carey, everyone.

Here we fucking go. It's the Mean Boys. And they live up to it. Thank you, everybody. Thank you, thank you. These are guys that are brilliant, brilliant roast joke writers. I'm really excited to see you guys make fun of some of your peers tonight and really burn some bridges.

That's a very nice way to say we couldn't get a famous person to show up tonight. Yeah. I know a lot of people fly out from all over the country to do their first stand-up here, and I just want to say I'm sorry I'm not Ari Shafir, too. Well, you can make-believe tonight, kids. You guys are very, very fun, very mean. I'm excited to see what happens here tonight. It's going to be fun.

Let's bring out the band, and then we can get started. You guys ready to meet the greatest fucking band in rock and roll and comedy show history? Yeah, we're taking on rock and roll now. We said it. We're jumping out of the car. I say this band can go up against fucking anybody. Oh, they need more time? Fuck them.

You know, you hacks, losers. Should have hired a real fucking band. The Mean Boys do a really cool live show themselves. It's in a burlesque bar. And you get to watch them just get their ass kicked by these big burlesque dancers in between comedy acts. And it's really cool. You guys do like a

whole live podcast. You get to watch Brian Redband smell a lot of discarded panties. Is that true? Yeah, we do a live show where we go up and do jokes at the beginning, and if they suck, which they usually do, a dominatrix beats the shit out of us. Last time she tried to break an egg on my dick, it didn't crack, so she just punched me in the nuts with an egg. It was amazing.

Yeah. I only came a little. And you guys have also done a show, something that I thought was amazing when I heard it, was you guys did a live show at a Denny's you just set a date you put a date aside you told your fans you were going to be at a denny's it was in northern california you were in a live podcast at a denny's in fresno uh where where we were just doing poppers on stage and half of our fans left without paying the bill which is very on brand for us. Wait, what stage did you perform at at a Denny's? They had a banquet hall, thank you very much.

Did they really? If you go to sad enough towns, Denny's is the place to have an event. Can you imagine having a wedding at a Denny's? Somebody has for sure gotten married and then divorced the same woman at that Denny's. Not only did Andrew Santino cancel, but you got the two premier Denny's comedians here

for you tonight, gang. What a night you picked. How did you know Santino canceled? He's not hard to get a hold of. Yeah, he's doing our podcast later. It's a small world. I couldn't make it. But you're right, it was supposed to be Andrew Santino.

Fuck yeah. Other than guests that we almost had here tonight. You want to just list some of Andrew Santino's credits where he's performed? He's upstairs right now in the belly room. I think he played at Norm's one time. Oh yeah. Let's bring up the band, guys. Let's fucking do it. It's the greatest goddamn band

in the land. It's the Kill Tony band. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Hermenez. It's the Kill Tony band. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Jimenez. And maybe the... Okay. We got an old lady coming out. Oh, and

an old man. And another old man. It's an old man with a mustache. An old lady. And the old man is in a rascal scooter. The type of scooter...

Oh wow, there's a stain. Hey, you guys stole that from Keith and we expect it back. Wow, that seems like... Wow, Jeremiah is just going back and forth at the top of the stage. There's really no ramp set up or anything like that. It seems like the kind of rascal scooter that he literally rented for one day at $175 for the day.

But he got full insurance on it. So why don't you ramp down those stairs right now, Jeremiah? Did you get insurance for it? Did you get insurance for it? I just want to point out, nothing anyone's going to hear tonight is going to be as funny as it was watching him try to do a U-turn backstage. Just like a 47-point turn. Jeremiah, what do you think? What are you going to do?

Are you going to perform from up there? I don't know. What? I don't know. What? I don't know. Alright, well I wonder where Josh Martin is for a moment like this where everybody's just been angling around. Oh, there he is. He's holding his sax.

Oh, they're helping him off the rack. I'm a little disappointed. To be honest with you, we really can't get that rascal down. We went to Sizzler earlier and he was running into walls full blast and got the whole management at the Sizzler in Burbank was really pissed off at Jeremiah. I'm so confused as to what they thought was going to happen. I think he's going to try to ramp.

Wait, what ramp? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. All right, here he goes. Yeah! Yeah! Got it! Wow. Whoa.

Jesus. Wow. That was insane. I really hope you're watching in VR 360. Oh, now he's getting a mouth kiss from the lady. Wow, I cannot wait to see what that VR clip looks like. He almost ran right into the camera. That is the most afraid.

Oh, Jesus. Jeremiah. Jeremiah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. All right. We got laptops and electricity here. All right. All right, Jeremiah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, all right. We got laptops and electricity here. All right, all right, Jeremiah. Jesus fucking Christ.

God, you fucked up the swap meeting katana. Stop driving, you idiot. Wow. Oh, shit. It's a goddamn debacle. Who's ready for a great show? For those of you listening. Believe it or not, I accidentally did that.

I didn't mean to. This thing is squirrely. I am now standing in a puddle of just water and exposed wires. So this is going to be great. All my laptops are soaking wet with Red Bull and vodka. It's all right. My lap is wet as well for you podcast listeners. And we're going to plow through it.

That is quite the entrance. How about one more time for the great Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Grandpa Watkins is here. I need napkins. All right. This might not work anymore. How you guys doing, old people? You're aging us. We're very...

You know the term, old Tony? Yeah. This is the bit I got hit by a wheelchair for. Yeah, like the prep goes, 80% costume, 20% what we're actually going to say. And you guys got heckled by the only dude dressed stupider than you in the corner over there. Yeah, we lost the bucket.

Oh, wow, we lost the entire bucket. That's what we're fucking missing. Look at that. Yeah, you. Yes, you, Steppenwolf roadie. Like, who did you think? Like, for sure, no. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Hey, you. You can't talk, dude. You suck, bro. I spotted you out a second ago. Yeah, that guy looks like he's... I felt bad vibes immediately. He looks like he's banned from several 7-Elevens. No. That's what these people do. I spotted you out a second ago. I felt bad vibes immediately.

He looks like he's banned from several 7-Elevens. No. That's what these people do. They try to come in a character. Doesn't he look like the saxophone player from the Muppets band? Smart keyboard. No. I don't know.

You could probably just get rid of him. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Josh Martin. Are you guys ready to start this uh what might be um maybe we should just restart can we get a ramp for jeremiah and restart from the top for all the podcast listeners because wow yikes whoopsie daisy uh i've had a lot of rough starts before but i'll put this up at the tippity top with just about all of them um so you guys ready to uh this fucking show? I have a bucket of comedians. It's about to go down. The main frame of the show.

Ha ha. Ha ha ha. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds on stage. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I don't want to do

that. Yep. There he is. That's what it's... Okie dokie. Yay. Okay. So, you know how it works. Bunch of people signed up earlier. Let's do

this shit. You guys ready to meet your first guest on Kill Tony tonight? Come on, up earlier. Let's do this shit. You guys ready to meet your first guest on Kill Tony tonight? Come on, Monday night. You can do a little bit better than that. Let's fucking do this shit. I'm not about to pussyfoot through this rascal wreck of an episode. I think you should just power it down, dude. I really do.

I think it'd be best for everybody. That's what your mother said last night. Why would my mom say that to you? Because I'm like the Energizer Bunny. I keep having sex with your mama again and again and again and again. That is a good grandpa reference. Oh, all right. I pulled a name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for your first person who has to break this awkward fucking ice. Put your hands together for Evan Jones. I saw this article on Facebook about reintroducing Missy Elliott to pop culture. But I say, if you don't already know Missy, that's your Frippa Dippa Framyan. That's your Frippa Dippa. All right. I believe in aliens. I'm kind of worried, though. Because what if we discover intelligent life out there,

and it's just more people? How disappointing would that shit be? We land on their planet, they're like, thank God you discovered us. The only thing we need to save our civilization is oil and health care. Fuck. We got a lot of corn. I don't know if that helps.

All right, thank you. Evan Jones. Hi, Evan. What's up? Is this your first time on the show? Yes. Where are you from? I moved here from New York, but originally California.

Then I lived in Germany from like 11 to 17. 11 to 17? Very developmental years. What did you do when you were in Germany? Just went to school? I have a strong feeling that you played flute in high school. I don't know why. Is that true? No, I was in drama club though, so close enough I guess.

That's a different kind of flute. Oh. Schoelberg is here. You sucked dicks. Did you ever do anything with your drama experience? Just trying to do stand-up. Acting shit. Like anything else, though.

What do you do for a living? I walk dogs for WAG right now. What's your promo code, dude? Shout it out. Evan1116, please give me money. Yeah, dude, hook him up. This does not look like a man you should trust with an animal. No, I'm one with the animals, dude.

Yeah, when you fuck them. How's the dog walking business paying for you? Is that good? The money's good, but I did get bit to the point of bleeding like a couple weeks ago. You pointed to your neck when you said that. Oh, no, not on my neck, fortunately. You just happened to point at your neck where they bite you on your leg? Yeah, like really close to my dick.

That's very awkward. Oh, shit, the dog is back. What kind of dog was it that bit you It was a German Shepherd Rhodesian Ridgeback mix Really So fucking terrifying Are you sure it just wasn't a Chihuahua

And you got scared by it We cut off a good racist dog story It lunged at every Asian And black dude I walked by also Sounds like a good American dog to me. I got to say, this is the best Jackass has been in years. Shout out to our friends Wee Man and Rick Kozik from Jackass who are actually in the audience.

Probably heavily influenced that entire... You should just run it into the desk, dude. Can I just tell you, I got the internet shut off at me and Keith's house by stealing some of your movies. So thank you guys very much. Fuck Spectrum. Fuck yeah. So Evan, how long have you been walking dogs for?

Almost two years. You have a girlfriend? Yes. She keep you on a tight leash? That was rough. How long have you two been together? Also almost two years. About the same amount of time.

Did you meet her walking dogs? That's eight years in dog years. Actually, I was doing stand-up on a show, and she was dating another comic, but then she saw me do stand-up and was like, fuck this, dude. What a bitch. Seems very trustworthy. Wow. Do you ever?

Imagine getting cucked by a part-time dog walker. Not even employed by a dog walking agency. A freelance app-based dog walker. Not even employed by a dog walking agency. A freelance app-based dog walker steals your girl. He's not even a wag-aftra. You should be way more confident, dude. That's amazing. Hello, I

have a question. Yes. Yes. Have you ever taken a dog out into the dead of night and shot it and seen if all dogs do really go to heaven.

No. That's my senile wife Patty Reagan right there. Patricia. Alright. So Evan, have you ever had any sick or dying dogs that you've had to walk? You just drag them along or something like that?

Yes. Holy shit. One of the first dogs I walked was a 14-year-old Pekingese, which is already a fucked-up breed. You can't let live that long. Right. And it was just this ball of mangy, shedding fur, and had like gunk around both of its eyes so it couldn't see you guys keith is right here this is so rude and it would just like pee and like shit itself and i had to pick it up because it couldn't go downstairs and carry this like gross

pile of fur outside just to be outside you should have put it in a doggy bag do the prices vary on whether it's a shitty situation uh no but usually they'll give you bigger tips because they're like yeah i know this should be dead when they give you the tips do they make you sit down and give you the whatever the fuck was that i had a stroke live on the air. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt. Excuse me. But we...

Yeah, Thomas Jefferson has the floor. Excuse me. However, I must interject because my husband, Gerald, and I have a son, Hans, who is much like the shih tzu you described. It was the Pekingese. The Pekingese you described.

So what was your question? Wait, you and this old man have a 14-year-old? My question is. Have you ever started a sentence and known where it was going? My question is. Getting very angry. Have you ever started a sentence and known where it was going? My question is, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Am I answering it? Yes.

Go ahead, Evan. We need an answer. Oh, Evan. We need an answer. Oh, fuck. Ah! The classic American wit! Evan, do you have any special skills or talents? Any, like, cool, like, you have, like, magic tricks or anything like that? I feel like he's really good at hero clicks.

Yeah, do you know how to open tough pickle jars? I think you're supposed to hit the bottom of them and it pops it or something. You kind of look like the kid from the Harry Potter movies if he dropped out but then still did okay. Yeah, I get a lot of different celebrities. I get Little Dicky a lot right now for some reason. Especially when I have sunglasses on. I usually get Daniel Radcliffe with a drug problem.

You look like cholera has washed over you over the course of 60 to 65 years. Like it did to my first husband. Earthum. Earthum. Wow. That's an old name.

Eartham? Eartham damn near killed him. Who gave Mrs. Fields DMT? Twas I. So, Evan, I never got a real answer from you on that. Special skills, talents, hobbies, anything interesting about you? I hosted a show in New York where all the comics were on acid. I don't know if that's a skill, but it's a thing.

Okay, events planning, that's a good skill. Did you get the acid where the acid connects? I supplied the acid, yes. Do you have any other felonies you'd like to confess to on this podcast? What's your acid promo code for the listeners? Was the audience on acid as well? Some people showed up on shrooms or acid just to be part of the feeling of everything. The longer it went, the more people showed up tripping.

Did you ever supply to one fucking Potholomew Jenkins? I feel like doing comedy on acid would just feel like this. What were the highlights of that night? The best I think was Fucking James Adomian came And did Bernie Sanders while tripping on shrooms For like 15 minutes straight It was fucking amazing I was like laughing

To the point that I thought I was going to die Because I was tripping so hard And I was like I won't be able to stop laughing and I'll hyperventilate and die. How often do you do acid and things like that? I used to do it more often. It was World War II. Planes were flying all around us. I had no options.

I figured I'd take a little thing. Anything to escape. Ah! Ah! Ah! No, no. No, no, no. No, no, no.

Turn up. Stop, stop, stop. Bad grandpa. He's playing with the rascal. Oh, my God. Have you ever walked a dog on acid? Not while I was working for WAG Oh good call dude

But when I was working for a different dog walking company How many are there? You were working for WAG Yeah It wasn't an app based one It was just my friend's thing Okay My roommate's like

Hey do you want to go to the circus In the middle of the day? So I was like yeah I'm going to do acid So I just did acid Went to the circus so i was like yeah i'm gonna do acid so i just did acid went to the circus and it was just like a million children on field trips it's like all children and then me on acid uh and then you just went through a couple nickels at keith's mom and got the fuck out of there we uh we sat in like the front row and the clown came out and like picked

me out to go into the middle of the whole fucking circus and put on a princess costume and dance around and shit. I'm tripping on asses. This did not happen. You were laying on the floor of an apartment. Matter of fact, you just fell asleep watching the Muppets and you think you're on Kill Tony. All right, Evan. Well, it was nice to meet you. Oh, that's me.

There he goes, Evan Jones, everybody. He's on Twitter at EvanLeslieJones. Why EvanLeslieJones? What's that? Why is the Leslie in your name? Oh, that's my middle name. Oh. That's weird.

That's his full name, EvanLeslieJones. For those of you wondering, his Twitter handle is his entire name. Kind of explains what happened in drama training. Am I right, guys? My dear husband, Gerald, my second husband seems to be frozen in some sort of frozen state. A lot of the pieces of paper in this bucket seem to be stuck together and wet. Well, maybe you could tell Jerem or whatever the fuck that... Eartham.

That was the name of my first husband, yes. I pulled another name out of the bucket. 60 seconds from Malik B. Here we go. Put your hands together for Malik B, everybody. Y'all good? Y'all good? I got 60 seconds with y'all.

I don't want to hear that little kidding sound, so I just want to tell the men, it's the last month of the year, so have fun with your girl tonight. Have fun like a man should. Don't have sex with her in the shower. Do something different. Fuck her in the microwave because we got to do stuff as a man.

Wrap her up in two or four, blow that pussy up literally. You feel me? You know what I mean? Real talk. My girl know stuff as a man. You know what I mean? Wrap up in till four, blow that pussy up literally. You feel me? You know what I mean? Real talk. My girl know I'm a man. I put all her shoes in the freezer today. She's like, what you do that for?

Because you walking on thin ice around here. Shut up. I'm Alec B, y'all. Malik B, coming in at 39 seconds. He was right. We were not going to hear the cat tonight. Yeah, I made sure. Wait, you've been on the show before, right, Malik?

Last week about the Gotham titties. Gotham tickets. The Gotham titties. Gotham titties, that's right. I re-listened to that. I can't believe you had no idea. I did know. Hold on, I'm talking about I did know the idea.

There's 60 seconds, by the way. I didn't like how Doug was saying it, though, because he was like, yo, I got them titties. I was like, well, she need to know. Oh, for all the audience who didn't know, the joke was. Yeah, you guys got to hear this. This shit was unbelievable. He didn't know what was funny about his joke. I did.

Okay, Tom, I did know. Y'all tell me which one is flyer. I said, damn, you must be Batman when it comes to the titty meat. Because looking at them breasts, you got them. Right? Now, Doug says. Right? No.

Exactly. Right? No. Give the professional version. Can we play the cat? Go ahead. The professional. The one that we recommended.

He said, damn, girl, you must got them titties. No. You still have to give the Batman front end. Gotham is where Batman lives. Exactly, but I felt like mine was better. It objectively was not. He was doing a joke where he was saying got them titties, not really realizing that Batman is from a place called Gotham City.

I didn't get that bit. And Doug Benson was like, yeah, more like Goth-them titties, right? And he's like, no. No, what do you mean Gotham titties? It's Goth-them titties. So why would it ever be Gotham titties? They're not the titties you deserve, but they're the titties you need. Yeah, you see what I'm saying?

You get it. And then Doug went on to say right after that, he goes, Gotham City is where Batman's from. And you were like, oh, shit. Hold on. I did know that. But I was telling him, I'm like, well, where does Batman come in? He was like, yo, you don't get it? That's where he's from. I'm like, yeah, I know that. But the girl got to hear Batman come in at? He was like, yo, you don't get it? That's where he's from.

I'm like, yeah, I know that. But the girl got to hear Batman come out. Where was Batman coming in at in your version? Well, in my version, okay, look. I said, wait, mine is coming. This debate has been two weeks, you guys. Now I want to know. If you're going to really defend your version, now I want to know.

Where's the Batman reference in Goddamn Titties? Why would he ever say that? Because I'm telling her, like, damn, you must be Batman when it comes to the titty meat. And she's like, what? Hold on. Let's just even stop there for a second. Hey, listen. What do you mean by titty meat? That's just your way

of saying titties? Well, listen. That's the way I... You say areolas. I say titty meat. Wait, what? Wait, you think... That's a whole different thing. say areolas. I say titty meat. Wait, what? What do you... Wait, you think... That's the... That's a whole different thing. You have great areolas. Wait, hold on.

White people do not use the longest possible word for everything. I resent that. What do you think an areola is? No, wait. Hold on. Tell me. I know what the areola is. That's the mermaid bitch.

Hold on, wait. Singing about under the sea with the crab. She ain't got them titties. Hold on. What'd you say? I was making fun of you. Oh. Hold on. Wait, tell me. No,? I was making fun of you. You say...

Hold on, wait, Tomo. No, this is a real talk. What's the black... What do y'all call that black stuff in the water? You say tomato. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt. The black stuff on the titties? If you're Keith, Oreo crumbs. And if not, I don't know. Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt.

How do you think tits work? Hold on, Tomo. Tomo. Describe a tit. I'm talking about... It pains me so tits work? Hold on, time out, time out. Describe a tit. I'm talking about the nipples. I'm so sorry to interrupt. Now, my question is this. Uh-huh. Oh, shit. I can't remember it.

Tony, you know what I noticed about this comedian? Wait, is this it? This is your, uh, from last week, so let's see exactly how he said it. Are we close to it? It's at the end. It's at the end. Fast forward through this garbage.

Damn. Uh oh. What are you going to leave us with? No, it's before that. Oh, yeah, sure. Go back to that other garbage. When he says it was at the end, he means the end of... This right here.

Hey, the thing is, she don't understand I'm a dog. That's how I got her. She want to be innocent. Now, I got off the corkiest pick-up line ever. I simply said, Dan, you must be Batman when it comes to the tits. Because looking at the breasts, you got them. My girl.

You can't tell me. You got them. Yeah, you got them. Gotham City, Batman. It's not called Gotham City. Here is your problem, young man. Listen closely. You put the words, what was the two words,

my man, right after the punchline, merely a second after. There is the problem. So, Diagnose, you said the punchline, right? You got them. And then you breathed a nervous breath and gave nary a second before you said your next two

words, which were nothing. Do you understand? Can I just say this? At this point, if Batman sees you walking down the streets of Gotham in a hoodie, he's leaving you alone. That's crazy. I'm getting timing advice from an old person. That's just...

We know it better than anybody! I like the idea that he doesn't know they're in costumes. They're in costumes. idea that he doesn't know they're in costumes. Yeah, they're in costumes. Damn, you give that Superman head because you got the Metropolis. Connor McSpadden.

Baby Beast. I was working on that for 20 minutes, all right? Suck my dick, Andrew Santino. Malik, I'm going to ask you a question I believe I asked you earlier. Where do you think the areola is? It's going to the sea with a crab. I've been through this.

It's on a titty. What are you talking about? What part? Like what part? Because when I said titty meat, you said. You guys, Tony has seen like eight boobs, so he's an expert at this point. You want to say something? This is a conversation between 10-year-olds that have never seen a boob is what's happening

right now. You want to say something? It's called timing. The moment has passed. Lesson two, bitch. Very wise. This old couple seems to really be old school comedy fans or something like that. A lot of wisdom.

She's got those daredevil eyes because she is blind. You with him? That's your boyfriend? Malik, what are you doing right now? Crowd work? Are you flirting with a chick in the front row right now? Hey, where do you think the areola is? Tony, did you see what he just did?

There's a group of people, both obviously on dates. And he just goes, is that your girlfriend? Is that your girlfriend? While they're eating. No, here's what he was doing. He was like, hey, you're a woman. What's an areola? Quit.

Help a brother out. Yo, I might not know what an areola is But you got that Thor booty I'm talking dad ass guard Should have stopped at Metropolis Yeah I was with you until you said that Okay

I'm still trying to buy time with the areola question That's why I'm all over here Malik what do you do for fun? You asked me that last week. What was the answer? Because nobody called me. I told them, be more memorable. Hey, my week-to-week fun changed, though.

It changes. So this week, what do I do for fun? Welcome to Dis Week with Malik B. Yeah. This is where he tries to remember some things that he did this week. Or should I say Dis Week. Go ahead, Malik. Okay, the best part of my week was coming on here.

So, yeah. Hit the music again. I'm going to give you another chance at this, Malik. The only thing that we know that you did in the past week was be on this show. There it is. Yeah, I kind of checked out. I'm trying to remember where more superheroes live. Hey, I'm serious.

I had a joke about Rob. I was thinking a punchline about Robin, but I couldn't think of it. All right, well, work on it. Let us know. Get back to us. Where's Robin from? Is he from Gotham, too? He was in a circus for a while. Why do you keep saying Gotham?

Listen. It's Goth. Do we have to? Goth. Like a Goth person? Yeah, Gotham. Not Gotham. I keep saying it as is. You're trying to change the words so that it works around your joke.

It feels like we're teaching him how to read. This is probably my least favorite version of the Riddler. Boy, you make me wonder. Boy wonder? Anybody? Fuck it. Shit. I'm old. Boy, you make me wonder Boy wonder, anybody? I'm old, I'm out of touch You guys are a couple, how do you know this dude? He watches us have sex

What's that like? What's watching these two have sex like? Very dry Do you remember the Great Depression? Malik, do you get a lot... You go out on a lot of dates. We just saw you try to literally flirt with a girl with a guy while she's eating nachos

and enjoying a live show while you're on a live show. I saw him try to fuck a mayor by saying, you goddamn cities. Wait, what? Don't make me explain your shitty joke. I was making fun of. Back to you. I'm just playing.

Okay, all right. What's your love life been like? Anything crazy happened the last week? Nah. We talked about my seven serious relationships with eight different women. So we talked about that last week. So it's just the same thing. What is this? A new book you're working on? Nah, we talked about it. You didn't believe I had like

the podcast. We don't know about you, Tony. We can talk about them. I have seven girlfriends at the time, people. Wait, what? We talked about this. You dated seven different women. I don't care if We talked about this. You're dating seven different women. I don't care if we talked about it. Explain it again, buddy.

I got in trouble last week with one of my girls, because I guess you found out. So here's the thing is- Why are you bringing it up? Why are you blaming it on us? Because he asked me about my love life. Yeah, so why, idiot? Yeah, you're right. Well, because I don't care.

Hopefully, one body in the audience come up to me after the show, you know what I mean, like last week. I know for sure you're just fucking six stools and one Chili's waitress. You said six stools? Yeah. How many girlfriends are you talking about? Hold on, we have one here right now. Seven.

Whoa. Seven. So in the past week, have you hung out with any of the seven of them? Yeah, I hung out with three. Three? Yeah. What did you do? Did you hang out with one today?

No, not today. It's the week. three. Three? Yeah. Like, what'd you do with, did you hang out with one today? No, not today. It's the week. During the week. Yeah. But the week, and the weekend has merely two days. Yeah, that's, that's, that's how long. So like the most recent girl, or do you hook up with multiple of them at once? Nah, nah, I'm respectful.

Respectful? I love how this show goes from jackass to Maury Povich real quick. Like, no, no, I'm respectful. Crowd's like, well, fuck you. That's not respectful. If you was respectful, you wouldn't have all them girlfriends

in the first place. You are the father. You ever get a girl pregnant, Malik? Nah. No? Nah. Are you sure? No, I'm positive about that.

So like the most recent girl, what'd you do? You went to her place? No, we went on a date. We went to Katana, which is right up the street. And yeah, we went to go see that new movie, Justice League, I think, whatever. What do you do for work again? You have a Batman joke, and you could not remember the name of the movie, Justice League, I think, whatever. What do you do for work again? You have a Batman joke, and you could not remember the name of the movie Justice League.

Yeah, we saw that movie Justice League, where they're flying in the Millennium Falcon and shit. The Creed. Oh, you're an actor. You make a living acting. I'm raising all those movies. Did you go watch them? Yeah, I sure did.

Did you go watch Creed for me? Thanks, man. Thanks for your support. It's a mainstream movie. That's why that's funny. All right. Malik, what's the creepiest thing about you? You seem so cool and suave. I want to see what you'll admit.

I don't have any creepy things. What is creepy to you? I don't know. What's creepy to you? You're wearing sweatpants. That's kind of creepy. You're trying to get the best mileage for your dollar at the strip club. Wait, women love sweatpants.

Oh, shit. We have our council of black women over here. Hell, yeah. We have Aphrodite, and it appears to be, I don't know, maybe a close cousin to Aphrodite. That was like magic. You just cast a spell, and a sassy black mom appeared. Yeah. That was weird.

Why women don't love sweatpants? Oh, shit. Oh, you want to see my ass? You want to see my ass? Wait, Aphrodite, stop it. You're out of control over there. Hold on. See what I'm saying?

Aphrodite's just in it for herself. Yeah. Squirting all over the place. She heard the seven girlfriends want to be number eight. You see what I'm saying? That's how it works. Oh, she definitely. Oh, you sprayed her with your hormones.

All right. That's weird. Why do you think all these girls put up with it? Why do you think seven girls respect you so much? What do you think makes you so special that they all know about it? I feel like I listen to women. What do you listen

to them do, Malik? You know, I don't know if creep really goes with this question that I'm asked. I think that the man who we had to explain the pronunciation of a word to for like 20 minutes is like, I listen. I realize me saying that wrong kind of

fucked it up. Yeah, I listen to women about their day. How many hours a day do you listen to women? Like a good four hours. Do you have a foot fetish? Nah, nah, I don't like that. But I like, listen, white toes all year.

Women, it's very classy. Keep that up. What? White toenails. White toenail polish. They love that. That's very classy. All year. I think he does have a foot fetish. Exactly. I think you were on to something, Brian Redman. What if they don't have their nails done?

What if they don't have their nails done? No nails did at all. That's what the other six are for. What if she had't have their nails done? What if they don't have their nails done? No nails did at all. That's what the other six are for. What if she had a little bit of dirt underneath her big toe nail? You wouldn't even like that, though. I would never even notice she had that. Why would you ask me? It's a trick question.

I can't figure out if you're lying or if you're just a bad person in a really weird way. Malik, was it you last week in the green room where you said there was a white supremacist rap song that you thought was fire? I don't know what just happened. You said the beat was fire and that you listened to it and you don't care. I don't know if the beat was fire.

The cross was fire. Is this true? You really listen to it. You don't care. I don't know if the beat was fire. The cross was fire. Is this true? You really listen to that? It's a different type of hood, you know? It's the Wu-Tang Clan with a K. Fuck yeah. Dude, there's nothing more awesome than seeing a man rimshot himself. That is fucking awesome.

I'll do it every time. All right, Malik. What do you want to say before I let you go? I appreciate y'all listening. Two weeks in a row. Thank y'all. There you go. A little speech from Malik B on his way out. He's on Instagram at Malik

Bazil. M-A-L-I-K B-A-Z-I-L-L-E. Fine guy. He's probably going to have a bigger career than all of us. He already does. Yeah. I never even got to my microwave fucking joke. How about one more time for Malik B, everyone?

Up here, spilling his soul. Ooh. Wow, two names at once because they stuck together because of water. Put your hands together for Daniel Moquin. Ah, you fucking stink. Okay. Fuck. Fuck. Been reading the news lately.

Apparently Budweiser is sending a bunch of hops and barley to outer space so that they can learn how to brew beer for when we move to Mars. I read that my first thought was somebody should teach Budweiser how to brew beer on Earth first, don't you think? Wow, bad beer, bad beer. It's yucky. Also, what does that say about us, right? Imagine that boardroom meeting, just a group full of white men in suits with a long list of things. All right, guys, we're moving to a new planet.

What's the first thing we need? Some guy raises his hand. Food! Shut the fuck up, Tommy, no. An atmosphere? God damn it, David, no. The answer is beer. If I don't have a cold, David. No, the answer is beer. If I don't have a cold frosty one the second I land on that dust-ridden planet,

I'm going to kill the only other person I'm here with. Okay, that's it. That's my one minute. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Daniel Moquin. Nice to meet you. Welcome to the show.

Hi, thank you for having me. Of course. You kind of look like Gabby Hayes once rehab happens. Like? Did your parents ever come home? Kevin? You were alone for a while? Yeah, no, I get it.

I like how Red Band said one thing. He's like, I got to cover up. This feels wrong. Daniel, Daniel. What? Tell me, are there any bakery treats that make you froth at the mouth? Do you mean like s'mores flavored Pop-Tarts? Daniel, how long have you been doing stand up

One minute One whole minute You just started was that your first time on stage I like the spunk in this kid What a very gentle way to tell us all to go fuck themselves I don't like Again I'm sorry I'm not a cool famous guy Andrew Santino is busy Oh, man. What a very gentle way to tell us all to go fuck themselves. I don't like that. Again, I'm sorry I'm not a cool, famous guy, all right? Andrew Santino's busy.

No, yeah, I've been in a few years. Oh, cool. Where are you from? Montreal, Canada. Ah, I can sort of see that. You have a little bit of a French-y seeming something in you. Kind of looks like an unsuccessful clone of Jeremiah Watkins. Oh man, if only

he were here, that joke would have worked. So, what else, Daniel? Montreal? How long have you been here? Damn right, Colt! How long have you lived in LA, Daniel? Two years. What do you do for a living? I do audience warm-up. What?

Oh, shit. I do not believe that for a second. I just want to say... Do you do what? Do you have any notes for Pat? Because I feel like it's been almost five years at this point. Oh, no. I feel like you could brush up on the fundamentals.

Whoa, Connor McSpadden taking shots at the throne over there. He's such a mean boy. Daniel, where do you do audience warm-up for? It's a little video game company on the west side. What are you doing for, Daniel? We're in the middle of an answer there when you were rudely interrupted. It's okay. Somebody who supposedly bragged

about knowing comedic timing earlier. I think he just needs a nap. Look at the fire in this old man's eyes. He's almost about to smile. I work for a company called Riot Games. What do they make?

A game called League of Legends. Whoa. I guess I didn't know anything about it until I started working there, but people are fucking crazy over it, so that's cool. So you throw bags of Hot Cheetos into the crowd to get them amped? Yeah, just cups of Mountain Dew Dew and I just hit nerds in the head with it all day. How many people go to see that?

Hundreds. Hundreds at a time and it's very disarming. I don't know what to do because they all are like this person and I don't know. And I throw stuff at them. What is the smell in that room like? Like a lot of dudes just jerked off to hentai. That's what it smells like.

How do you smell the tentacles? They're animated. That's amazing. They smell like fish. How long have you been doing that for? A year. Yeah, about a year. That's probably fun, though.

Yeah. Way better than a normal job. Yeah, no, yeah, for sure. Not complaining. It's a video game audience, though, right? Yep. And so do you notice that you don't have to use a lot of energy? Yeah, I'm high energy to them.

So just imagine. Like, dude, that guy is standing. Wow. So you're used to entertaining somebody who's stuck in a rascal scooter then. Because they're fat. Okay, cool. fat Yeah but without the dead look in their eye This man is a war vet Show some respect Yeah watch him fuck

Am I right? Very dry Is there anything that is like off limits to the gamers? Is there anything that they off limits to the gamers? Is there anything that they're protective of that they get touchy about? I don't want to say. God damn it. Christ.

The worst. Why is he not kicked out yet? It's unbelievable. If you want to pander to him and get him going, what do you say to the gamers? Wow. What a game that was, huh, guys? Did you enjoy that? I sure did.

You sound like a mom trying to understand her kids, but she doesn't really know what Nintendo is. Yeah, that's exactly what it is. You did a whole Pac-Man. I really need this $120, so crowd surf my Lara Croft blow-up doll. What is the craziest thing you've ever seen go down in one of those audiences? It was Vietnam.

Asians were everywhere. Gunfire. Napalm. A little Asian kid came at me. What's the craziest thing that's gone down in one of those League of Champions blippity-blop. Oh, one time somebody brought

an LED sign and they were flashing it from the audience and they had to get kicked out which is... Wow, you've been through a lot! Ha ha ha! is very... Wow, you've been through a lot! Who escorts you out of the live video game event?

Is it like a dude with a batleth and a lightsaber? Just a different, bigger fan of the game. Why do you look like a Skywalker? Is that natural you choose that? I don't have an answer. Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. I'd like to say that you had, it was a good set. Good set, good writing.

You lost confidence through the second half of your set. That affected the outcome. And you're a smart guy, you know, so watch out. He sounds British and then German. It's like he's just changing accents. Yeah, that's what too much confidence looks like. Or I can just realize I didn't think of a joke and then pretend to fall asleep to get out of it.

I wasn't saying a joke, Connor. I like that you started just getting legitimately mad and then you remembered to do the shitty accent. Dude, it's okay. I also have a funnier friend that I rely on. We're in the same boat, Pat. Hi, how are you? Jesus Christ.

You guys are... Mean boys are trying to start a war with the Kill Tony thing. But Connor, Connor, Connor, don't you understand that I... Like, what... Connor, I'm serious. It's coming, everybody. Yes, I mean, it is. If you would stop making club jokes for one second and listen.

We're in a club. I know, I know, but I'm at the club. I don't, IJBS is here. They have me here. You know, I talk. You know, I think. I make other stuff, Connor, that you could never make. So I don't know what your whole point is.

Why everyone, you know, just break down don't know. I know three chords. I feel like I'd be okay. You could break down the comedy set, you know, just as accurately as any other idiot on the panel. But you're very smart. You're not an idiot. What's up, Jeremiah? How you doing? This is the...

I never thought that we would have a transgender old lady on this show. But at some point there, she went from female to male, and I think we should welcome her and accept her with open arms. You're very funny. I think you're hilarious. When I saw you, this is true. I'm sorry, Tony. What is happening?

No, no, when I saw Connor McFadden. How are you doing, Daniel? You know the moment when you see somebody and they're really good? Okay, that's all I'm saying is that the first time I saw Connor, he had it on him. Okay? And that was you. So I think you're very good. That's it.

Should I just leave and let you guys sort this out? So fuck me, right? I don't want to be here anymore. Me neither, dude. more. Me neither, dude. What is the meaning of life? I think there's only one way to solve this battle between

Connor and Pat Reagan and I think they should have a make-out battle right now on this show, ladies and gentlemen. Whichever one of them can make out with the other one the hardest wins. Whichever one of them can make out with the other one the hardest wins. They're going hard. Oh, yeah.

They've fallen over. They are into it. They actually deeply, deeply made out. Put your hands together for Pat Reagan and Conor McSpatten. Conor's mouth is red around his lips. All right, guys. When you're beat, you're beat. Holy shit.

This is how I solve issues on my show. If you guys want to get into an argument, they have to make out as hard as they can. You guys, I have never been harder in my life. We have a new sound guy. It's his first night. All I can see in the shadows is him shaking his head like this. Have you ever been tongue-fucked by a guitar comic with dentures? Holy shit.

So do me and Daniel go now, or what's happening? Yeah, nice try. Shit. Daniel. Fuck yeah. So what do you like to do for fun, man? You play any video games? Yeah. I'm going to let you go, Daniel.

Yeah, thank you. There he goes. Daniel Moquin, everybody. He's not Daniel Moquin, but he is Daniel Moquin, so you're going to have to figure that out for yourself. Fuck yeah. You guys having fun out there in this very compelling episode of Kill Tony where clearly anything can happen?

I don't know. I just came for the first time in 30 years. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Max Durat. Not seeing any movement, huh? No.

All right. Cool. Put your hands together for Megan Sullivan. Megan. Here we go. Oh, I like your hat. Ha ha ha. I saw you all the way from the back.

I was like, that's my dad. I'm kind of like a bad girl, okay? I don't really follow the rules. I'm kind of a punk. I started smoking weed in high school to get those stoner boys. They're so cute. My first crush was Pauly Shore's voice in Goofy Movie. I started drinking in grade school,

and there was a guy who bought us booze, and his name was Balls. There was a guy who bought us booze, and his name was Balls. It's not really a joke. It's more just like I've been drinking for a long time, and the guy who bought me booze was named Balls. Fuck yeah, Megan Sullivan, ladies and gentlemen. It's your first time on the show right yes

hello nice to meet you very very funny good yes well it all checks out your paperwork's in order how long have you been doing stand up I really started in March wow it was a great set that was very good for being on that deal How long have you been doing stand-up? I really started in March.

Wow, that's a great set. Yeah, that was very good for me. Okay. You're worried I'm going to be a dick. No, I'll be one in a minute. But that was actually very funny. I do like how much love was in your heart when you guys found your dueling Michael Cera hats. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You guys both were on that boat with Bill Murray. We're both twee and obnoxious. Is this brownies I'm standing on? Yeah, those are brownies. Those are Jeremiah's pants. Christ. It's for my sugar level. By the way, that is how nice Jeremiah is.

He just shits brownies. Yeah, falls out his pant leg. We call them Mexicans. What do you do for a living, Megan? I'm a nanny. Oh, cool. How old are the kids that you nanny? I work for a couple different families.

One just turned five. There's some middle school boys. One has this same hat. One has a what? It has the same hat, the 14-year-old. He tries to play me cool rap. You ever do acid while you babysit?

I also just want to point out that you referred to one of the children you babysit as it. Did I? Well, I don't know. Sorry. You're okay. Just breathe, man. How old's the one?

One is five. One is four and a half. And one is seven. And then one is seven. And then one is 12. And one is 14. What is this woman's pussy look like? These are like.

No, it's three different families. I know I was trying to do a thing. But thank you. However, those are a lot of my favorite roulette numbers that you just named off. Oh. Yeah. One of those always comes up.

So you've been nannying. How old are you? That's a weird question to ask. I don't normally ask it if you don't want to. I have probably my best. I'm working on that. I'm in my 20s. Yeah, good answer.

Yeah. Good answer. Tony, I know 20s. Yeah, good answer. Tony, I know Megan. Oh yeah? It's always weird when someone you know comes up here you really want them to do well. They don't always do well. I think tonight Megan did well. Yeah, she did very well. I completely agree.

That's it. I'm going to go have a stroke now. Anything interesting you want to talk with us about, Megan? You have any questions for us? Well, this is my second time seeing this show. The first time I saw it, I hated it. You're welcome. Yeah, you weren't here. I think you're so funny.

And that's... And I truthfully have been down here maybe 10 minutes. I was upstairs watching the other show. With the guy who I replaced? Thank you. Yeah. It's all coming full circle. Yeah. Do the people you babysit for know that you do stand-up?

Yeah, and I get a lot of suggestions. One guy, he's a real authority on it. He used to see guys in the 80s in New York go up all the time, so he gives me good jokes that I do not listen to. Can you give us one of his jokes? What's the worst joke you've been pitched?

God. Something about goddamn titties, but it was supposed to be got ham titties. She's a ham-titted something. All right, Megan. Well, I guess we'll let you off the hook. Thanks. There she goes, Megan Sullivan.

She's on Twitter at Prep School Party. Good set. Good set. Alright. Let's go back to the bucket one more time. Put your hands together for Cameron Frost. Thank you. Thanks. You know, I realize that whenever someone uses the term friends with benefits, they always mean sex, right?

They never mean, like, full dental coverage, which would be nice, you you know just a good cleaning but uh yeah i'm not uh i'm looking for some uh health insurance right now uh the other day my friends are bragging about how much uh they got they're like oh i got a i got blue cross. What about you, Cam? And I was like, ugh. I got my fingers crossed. That's my health plan. Just don't get hurt. Just don't get hurt.

I'm trying to eat healthy right now, and what I've realized in this journey is a lot of health food is bullshit. Like chicken Caesar wraps. Yeah, it turns out those are just burritos for white women. Thank you. Cameron Frost. Coming in.

Laying it down. Like a goddamn machine. How you doing, Cameron? Good, man. Fuck yeah. Where are you from? San Diego, California. You just visiting up here?

Yeah, just here for yesterday and tonight. You're born and raised in San Diego? Yeah. Look at him. Of course he was. Yeah. Thanks. That's the outfit he was baptized in.

By the waves, dude. Yeah, this is every guy that's ever asked you for a cigarette at the beach. Hi. What do you do for a living? Right now I'm a janitor at a church slash preschool. You don't have to push that. Don't push that. I've heard holy shit before, but that sounds terrible.

A janitor in a church. Yeah, man. So you just got to clean up all the little kid jizz and stuff. Tons of it. Yeah. You keep a lot of secrets, don't you? Yeah, you just sweep up ransom notes and pizza toppings. Pretty much.

How long have you been being a janitor in a church for? Just a few months. Yeah. Do they make you fuck a kid when you been being a janitor at a church for? Just a few months, yeah. Do they make you fuck a kid when you get hired just so they know you're cool? It's like they jump you in. Yeah, yeah. Like, all right, here's a Domino's and a seven-year-old. Fucking prove your worth, broom monkey.

Yeah, that's how it went down. How long have you been janitoring at the church? Like a few months, yeah. Yeah, just like three or four months now. You made it sound like a superhero. The janitor. Janitor sounds like a cholesterol medication. Who would know? Is it?

Yes. Have you seen anything creepy working at that church anything creepy no not yet nothing like haunted or anything like the Jesus eyes never follow you in a picture or anything like that Jesus is the other janitor he works with

Joelberg's here listen to that janitor he works with. Joelberg's here. Listen to that. Damn. They love him. He only hits grand slams. And also that other one. Also my favorite breakfast at IHOP. Sorry. Senior discount.

I've never felt fatter than the fact that I'm like, it's at Denny's you fool You fucking heretic Suck my dick with an IHOP You guys you don't fucking say that shit In front of the two premier Denny's comedians In North America Alright America's premier Denny's comedians in North America. All right? It's true.

America's favorite Denny's comedians. So Cameron, how long have you been out of San Diego? How long have you been sitting for? Just the night? Yeah, yeah. I'm heading back. When you leave San Diego, do you have to find a place in L.A. to go swimming to get it out of your system or something like that? Yeah, exactly.

What do you do for fun in San Diego? Clean churches. That's what you do for a living. What do you do for fun? It's pretty much stand-up. I go to a lot of movies right now. Go to a lot of movies? By yourself?

Really about it. Most of the time. Wow. This is the most nerve-wracking shit in the world it's funny that he's asleep but just to wake him up to know exactly where the rascal handle is i'm just gonna very carefully aim this at cameron do you do you believe in god you work in the church no not necessarily i don't know i guess agnostic at this point. They're converting me. There's that agnostic music we've been searching. So sometimes you wonder, is the church clean or was it ever a clean church at all?

a clean church at all. Do they call your employee handbook the poo testament? Shut up, I like that. Anyway. Something, something. Something, something, joke, something. All right, Cameron. What else?

What do you think is interesting about you? Oh. Not a lot. I look... My hair is made of curly fries. There's that. Sort of is, like Arby's curly fries. It looks really delicious

actually. I'm sort of hungry. Thank you. It's the town food for San Diego. It's on the flag. Rimshot yourself. actually. I'm sort of hungry. The town food for San Diego. It's on the flag. Oh, Jesus. Rimshot yourself. No, I don't deserve it. You're so Mexican, your drumsticks

look like churros. Yes. Yes. C. Tony, one time I went on a... Tony! One time I went to a taping with my school class

to the Big Bang Theory. And whilst I was there, the four hours to which I was there, I felt I was witness and participant to a bad acid trip. People were laughing and I didn't find any of it

funny. And now I find myself in that position for two hours every Monday, which equates to much greater sum than the four hours I

spent at the Big Bang Theory. Tight. Fuck yeah. I guess the only difference is that you didn't keep going back to the Big Bang Theory every week after that. I guess that's the main difference. You know what, Andrew Santino?

I get it. I get it. Cameron, we know each other. Do we have any fun memories together? I don't think so, man. Yeah, we do. We're not that tight. Yeah, yeah.

We're cool. I think this brought us closer You guys know each other? Yeah, we did shows in San Diego Oh, you guys really do know each other Lead with that Why? There was nothing interesting to follow Here's a diaper

Oh, thanks Take that back for when the kids are bleeding After getting fucked You don't want them leaving a little trail Of fucking graham cracker crumbs Take that back From when the kids Are bleeding After getting fucked And uh Just trying to get You don't want them Leaving a little trail Of fucking Graham cracker crumbs

Back to the witch's house And Fuck up your Minimum wage Janitorial job Fuck yeah Cameron Frost Alright Well I guess

Is that it for me Man I guess this is it There's been a lot of A lot of interestingly Boring um Like we're not really Getting any real answers out of you. What's the worst thing you've ever done?

You ever get arrested? No. I had sex in a public park and there were children present. Wow. Were there children present because you were fucking the children? No.

Is it funnier if I say yes? No, tell the truth. Where were you fucking at? What park was it? Berry Street Park. Berry Street Park, man. Were you in the park? No, just kind of off in the grass.

It was real romantic. You laid down a blanket or something like that? A hoodie? This is like the official outfit of fucking in a park. Thank you. There's some of that park fucking music that we all know about. Where in the park exactly were you? Just kind of like off by the fence, you know, where all the fucking goes down.

You know. I don't know. You guys know. Yeah all the fucking goes down. You know, you guys know. Yeah, fuck this. Yeah. 50% okay. Did you come? Uh,

no, didn't get to that. no. Did she? Come on. So that's a no? Yeah, that's a no.

That is a no, yes. Oh, wow. All right, Cameron. Well, thanks for coming on the show. Thanks for having me.

There he goes, Cameron Frost. That's a fun one. All right. Every single week, we're going to go back to the bucket after this, but every single week we have a regular that comes up. She writes and performs a brand new 60 Seconds every single week. Put your hands together for her. You know her. You love her.

It's the great Allie Makovsky, everybody. Thank you. Hi. I went to Coachella, as you can tell by my fur coat. And when I was there, Lil Uzi Vert was performing. And I'm not sure if you know who Lil Uzi Vert is, but he has this iconic song. I would say iconic. Most people wouldn't, like my mom or dad or anyone over 30.

But anyway, he has this song and the lyrics are like all my friends are dead push me to the edge and that's pretty much the song repeated uh and the song is about the president on money all being dead but when i was at coachella the girl next to me while he's saying all my friends are dead push me to the, the girl next to me, while he's saying all my friends are dead, push me to the edge. This girl next to me goes, oh, my God, that's so sad. Which is pretty pathetic. I don't know. People think that music festivals are supposed to be a place where everyone's like united and connected.

And it's like a beautiful experience. But I've never had that at a music festival because I'll be like waiting in line for the port-a-potty and this girl's just like, um, excuse me, did you fucking cut me in line? Okay. You do look like one of those Christmas candies. Like the little square one that has like little nuts in it. The nuts in it?

Like are you just like, I mean, What kind of candy are you talking about? I was trying to think of what it looked like too, but I couldn't really figure it. Neapolitan ice cream. No? What kind of shitty Neapolitan? What do you have, charcoal Neapolitan ice cream, Joel? Good old charcoal, vanilla, and caramel. My favorite flavor, black.

She said, as you can tell by my fur coat, it's not fur or a coat. Well, these guys probably had licorice ice cream, right? Okay, anyway. Fuck me then, huh? I had sex with a ladyboy. It was one time. Where was that at? Korea.

Which Korea? Brian, let him answer. Oh my god. Okay, stop it. This is fucking shit. You guys are all out of control. Okay, okay, okay. I have had a dick full of this wheelchair.

What is that? Did he die? Oh, no. That battery's gonna die eventually. All right. Okay, Joel, thank you for micing. You're welcome. Okay.

Okay, Jeremiah, it's still a podcast, Jeremiah. Okay, there we go. Everybody just turned it off. Wow. Even I did. Okay, so what did we talk about? You did go to a music festival. Do you cut a lot in line at the music festivals for the Porta Potty?

I think I cut a lot everywhere. Is that something that you really think you do? Yeah, I think so. If there's like a gap, then you should be responsible enough to move forward or else I will fill the gap for you. Wow. Do people ever confront you? I mean, if they do, I'll be like, enough to move forward or else I will fill the gap for you Wow

do people ever confront you I mean if they do I'll be like hey my bad don't be an idiot Wow sassy when I put on a fur coat I guess sassy yes I like that sassy just kind of sounds nicer than sort of a bitch. Yeah, it's mostly just a bitch, but I like to see sassy. I just wish I for one day had the confidence of a rich white girl. That would be amazing. Why do you think I wear this coat? That coat is from the Do You Know Who My Father Is collection. Yes.

Yeah, it's like the Thor's hammer of ruining everyone's day at Walgreens. Can we have a moment of silence for the couch you skinned for that jacket? That's three different bathrooms. Where did you get the jacket? I'm house-sitting right now, so I am borrowing it from my... Whoa! You're house-sitting for a gay ghost? For a Muppet?

No, I'm just house-sitting for a friend. And they don't know that, they probably don't know that you borrowed the jacket. No, I told her I would borrow it. You were like, I'm gonna borrow that jacket that's like, if... You'll know that she didn't say I asked if I could borrow it.

She's like, I'm taking this. I'm going to do it. Yeah. You weren't here to stop me. This is mine now. Yeah. Yeah. I'm very needy and vocal about it.

How's your relationship going? Yeah, you are. Wait, sorry. How's your relationship going? You're a few weeks into a new relationship, right? Yeah. About three weeks now? I don't know.

This is news to me. I know. Yeah. Not that I care or anything. I didn't know. I like to know what my friends are up to. Sorry. Does your boyfriend like how much your coat can absorb?

Okie dokie. Hey, there's that one red band part of the show. I don't know. There's that one wacky part. Nobody produces a bath mat full of jizz. You can get it done with even the smallest of t-shirts. How many face tattoos does your boyfriend have? I feel like you probably date a guy with face tattoos.

I wish. How many thrasher shirts does he own? None. I think a better wish. How many thrasher shirts does he own? None. What am I doing? I think a better question. How much DJ equipment? That is so on the nose and somehow I've gone so... How often does he play Odd Future in the car?

I mean, all of those are none, but I wish. What is it about this guy that you like a lot? That pipe. Wait. Is this your titty meat? Did we just find your own vernacular? Are you talking about his turds? He got that pipe.

He got that pipe between my titty meat. What's going on 2018? That's where he would hit a sound effect. Yo, man, my man like Mario because he got that pipe. Yo, for real, though. For real. I don't know. He's a nice guy.

Things got real serious. The pipe, you mean the sex is good? Yeah. Now, there was a long time on this show. I don't know how many of you are diehard fans in which everybody knows that. Do you want to say it? I'll break the news. I cannot come.

And is that still a thing? It's still a thing. Wow. But you think he's getting you close? Yeah, definitely. You killed him again. His heart stopped. This explains why you're cutting in line everywhere.

No wonder you're in such a bad mood all the time. Yeah, I always have blue balls. That makes sense. You do it. It's yours. Yeah. Yeah, blue blood, blue balls. Wait, why do I have blue blood?

I like that. You're rich. I'm just a rich, yeah. Oh, got it. Yeah. I thought it was like a cop reference, like blue bloods. No, believe it or not, I can't afford AMC. Only about 70% sure that's the channel that show is on.

I thought you were talking about CBS. It's on CBS. 90% of this audience. It's on CBS and it stars Tom Selleck. What's been happening fun in the past week of the relationship? Anything good? I went out of town. Oh, yeah? What'd you do?

I went to San Francisco and helped my friend move up there and then did comedy and kind of just neglected her yeah I'm a bad friend I'm sorry it's not a cool story you neglected her because you were with your boyfriend no no no he wasn't there I was just doing comedy and kind of was like

sorry what were you doing? comedy No, no, he wasn't there. I was just doing comedy and kind of was like, sorry. What were you doing? Comedy. But like, oh, you went to do comedy instead of hang out with your friend. I mean, I kind of hung out with her, but I mainly was doing comedy. Yeah, that's why comedians just hang out with comedians. Yeah, I got to start doing that.

You neglected your friend? What? That's wild. Your coat says otherwise. I think that's a different. Yeah. It's a very hairy situation. Have you talked to a doctor about the whole cum thing? I haven't talked to a doctor. Because I feel like you need to cum on a medical level.

You're stealing coats, cutting in line, abandoning your friends. It's like, gal, you've got to fucking treat yourself. It's not like when your car air conditioner is broken and you're just like, well, I guess that's it. Like, no, you get this shit fixed. I'm like five days away from fighting a homeless person if I don't come. I can only imagine 22 years. We can give it a try if you want to. We've all met your mom.

She's a fan of the show. She listens to every episode. Is this something that you've talked to her about? Have you guys had had that Teen Wolf moment where you're like, Mom, I can't come? And she's like, I can't come either, Mom. Well, Allie, you just got to find someone who's got that good pipe.

I have talked to my mom about it because she does watch this every week. Sorry. But my aunt came out to me as a fellow non-comer so that was sweet. It's nice to know that it at least runs in the family.

It doesn't come in the family. Is your aunt like a chill person or is she kind of highly strong Well I think it's just because She's on antidepressants So it's different

Hers is prescribed not coming Mine is just life I guess Okay I got that too I'm on the Zoloft So I'll have like a couple Marathon jack sessions Where I'm just really trying to Just milk the negativity out of

myself. I would just like to note I am unmedicated and I am shooting ropes, so if anybody wants to party after this. I'm happy for you. What else, Allie, anything else you want to talk about? Not really. Hey, Allie,

do you want to talk about coming more? I would rather not. Oh, no, come on want to talk about coming more? I would rather not. Oh, no, come on. The whole audience is here for it. Wow, Jesus. Look who's back from the dead over there, all judgmental. It's hard doing improv with an old man because he moves so slow you don't know whether he's actually going to do something or not.

Okie dokie. Fun times. Alright, there she goes, Ally McCoskey, everyone. I like the jacket, personally. I like it too. She looks like a little teddy bear. I think it's fucking cool. Still have to make jokes about it, but it's cool. I didn't really, but

it's all good. She walks like she can't come. I'm sorry, Elliot. You guys having fun out there? Should we go back to this bucket? We've had an interesting episode. Hey, my lap's dry at this point. Clap your hands out there in the building if you can come. Huh, folks?

Oh, it's a very non-coming... Not coming on. When I got here, Red Band said it's going to be a really interesting Kill Tony. And I was like, why? And now I know. Who said that? Red Band. Huh. Why did I say that? I don't know. You predicted it. You're clairvoyant.

Maybe him putting those shit energies out there is the reason why this actually happened. There's no way of knowing that it's going to be a weird episode. Can I ask a quick question? Is the make-out battle, does that happen a lot or is that just something you made up for me? No, it's not. You just got fooledout battle, does that happen a lot or is that just something you made up for me? You just got fooled. Oh, cool. Nice.

That was the first time, but it was awesome. I don't know how that happened, actually, looking back on it. You were ready to do it, though. I pulled a name out of the bucket. You guys ready for this? Who knows what could happen? Maybe it's a professional actor. Maybe it's a fucking who knows what. Put your hands together

for Josh Haywood. Professional actor. I'm trying to talk about the great guy that is keeping crowds from the studio. Okay, I don't see anybody moving. Clearly a lot of the people see what happens on this show and they get scared and leave after a little bit. Alright, how about Bernie Mann. Why do I feel like that's the guy from earlier that's what he signed up as the heckler guy but like somebody didn't approach the stage but so he just ran up there's

no bernie man here right is there a bernie man oh wow here he is bernie man it's a real guy come on make some noise for Bernie Man, everyone. Here we go. I just walked in. I've never been to the show. Shit, all right. I don't know how it works. Can you explain?

So you're not this guy? Pardon me? You're not the person we picked out? No, I am. I'm Bernie Man. So you just walked in. It's been going on for an hour and a half. Well, I signed up at like 7.

But why would you sign up for a show that you don't know what it is? This guy owns a lot of timeshares. I heard it was like funny. I wanted to try to be funny on stage. Well, so far, swing and a miss. Okay. Have you ever done stand-up comedy before? It's my first month people come on

first month okay so you signed up for this show yes I did you want to do a minute of stand up comedy oh I'd love to okay go ahead alright one minute of comedy to make a whole room of people

laugh oh yeah it's also the number one live podcast in the world, believe it or not. Okay. When I have sex, I like to grunt. And it sounds something like this. It's a fucking incredibly bad episode of this show. This is like a goddamn anomaly. Now I can't come.

That's about it. My guy. That was 50 seconds. Didn't that feel so much longer? Okay. That's longer than I actually have sex. Alright, let's do this. Hey. Bernie. Okay. Hey. Bernie. Okay.

Hey, Tony. I couldn't get over the fake Timberlands. That's it. Alright, moving on. Jesus. Jesus. What a tremendous idiot. Ross, dress for less. Go, 15 bucks.

Why would you steal them? Because I can't afford $15. You just seem like you'd fuck my sister and ask me for a ride home afterwards. Okay, what's her name? I'm an only child. I was just fucking with you. You're a dirtbag is the joke.

Bernie, what made you sign up for the show? I'm trying to be funny on the stage. I'd like to get good at this. Try harder. I'm curious. If you didn't know what the show was, why would you sign up for it? Because actually Guam, I was at Mel's,

and he said, come down to the comedy store on Monday night and I signed up. Did he tell you to sign up for the open mic in the original room or sign up for this show specifically? Because I want to know because Guam's going to be in big fucking trouble. Oh man.

I didn't just hear Guam going, I don't know this dude. For those of you who don't know Guam is a Mortal Kombat character That checks IDs At the comedy store He said just show up And ask him for 50% off Molly

So that's what I did And then he said That's my sister's name How dare he What were you doing Where were you doing At Mel's when he met you I was doing the open mic

At Mel's And he met you? I was doing the open mic at Mel's. And he told you, this guy Guam, to come to the world famous comedy store. Yes. And to show up and just sign up and that everything's going to go great. No, he didn't say that. I was very confident that I was going to bomb up here. I'm just trying something new. So that's it.

Can I ask you? I feel like your name should be pronounced Bernie, man. What do you do for a living? I'm an accounting student at Santa Monica College. Obviously. Is that true? It's completely true, yeah. It looks like...

Never mind. I hate you for some reason. I just fucking hate you. I have that face. I just have that fucking face. Well, you're just acting like you overcame adversity. Like, bro, I just shined up, just wanted to make the people laugh. And it's like, no, you were a dick and you barely walked in on time.

How many people want to actually do this? Everyone. Yeah. Climb your hands if you want to get up right now. That whole half of the room. You wasted all those people's time right there. See all those people? Not to pile on, but you got on stage and people still hadn't noticed you existed.

Well, I'm a timid guy. I don't know. How do you make money? You watch as cement dry. I saved up money from working. I was a writer. You were a waiter. Where at?

No, writer. A writer? Nah, though. You saved up money writing? A dick writer? Hold on. Writing what? I got fired from Warner Brothers.

For writing what? A lot of Mike. Oh, it totally makes sense that he wrote Justice League. He's like, got them titties. He's like, got them titties. That's it. That actually is a Warner Brothers production. That's triple points

for Joel Berg. That is a Warner Brothers DC. I worked for the CW. Can't write? That is what CW stands for. That's Industry Trade Secrets by Joel. Did you find it hard to...

Keep your pants on, Joel. Oh, Jesus. It's jerking off. Joel Berg is now jerking off. The entire right side of the room is going crazy. This is known as Joel Berg's little dugout over here. Joel has literally a drogue of his own fans.

All right. I don't want to ruin your chicken. Aggressively masturbating under his underwear, Joel Berg is. I feel like you'd be the only executive there not confident enough to rape anybody. What were you doing at the CW? What was going on? It was all social media

and yeah, I wrote, you know, we did, came up with websites. So you weren't a writer for Warner Brothers. You did their social media. Well, no. Like, I built websites and they needed material. I had to learn how to get marketing. Writing HTML is not writing a TV show

or a movie. That's a good point. That's like saying Cameron Haynes works for God. He cleans shit at a church. I also don't think you wrote... You didn't make websites. You just came up with fun names for them. You're like, I don't know, what about butts.weed?

You installed apps. Dude, you used.ly to shorten links To get them in the tweets so it would all fit That's what you did Sparkle tax was your biggest accomplishment Back in the myspace days People that write movies don't have fucking swap meet Tims And a bad attitude alright

I know many people Who write movies who have swapped me Tim. And you've got to take your hat off. You look like a cartoon mouse. I can't with the fucking ears. How long did you work at Warner Brothers for the CW? This was like three days? I was there for four years.

Four years? Building one website? No. When they let you go, did they give you notice? Did they warn a brother? I couldn't. He's like, Tony,

he's like, I can't, he's like, www. I can't get past that. You look like you take pride in the fact

that you're good at laser tag. What are you good at? And what's your real name? I don't use my real name. It's a shortened version. Call me! Call me!

Yeah. When you hear that sound, you know somebody is going by a fake name. Anyway. Fuck. What was the question I asked you before? Real name? Oh.

A good one. Fuck. Fuck was it? Oh, uh. It's a good one. Fuck. Fuck was it? It was a fucking. Son of a bitch. What do I do for fun? Bike ride, beach, hike? Oh, the beach, dude, sir.

Bike ride, beach, and hike. Really? You guys are from San Diego, dude. Come on, man. Fucking braves, dude. They love the beach. By the way, who is Tony? Which one of you is Tony?

I'm Tony. Oh, fuck off, dude. I'm Tony. I'm Tony. This is Tony. What's up, guys? How's it going? Earlier, I was hanging out with Rogan and Diaz, Bert Kreischer. I was killing. Everybody loved it.

I love pussy. It's great. I don't know, by the way, how you knew what the fuck I did all day today, but that's very impressive. I was at the UFC. And I was Rogan and Kreischer. I was front row. Ronda Rousey was there.

We're buddies. My special is good. Don't look it up. All right. One shot available on Netflix. This guy just doesn't understand. You guys are adorable. All right. Keith Carey, you son of a bitch. This guy just doesn't understand. You guys are adorable. All right, pieces of shit.

Do you think you're going to keep on doing comedy? Oh, Epsa fucking Luli. Damn, okay. Hell fuck, yeah. What? Yeah, I want to keep doing comedy. I love this shit. I don't even want to keep doing comedy right now.

I just want to point out that a comedian just encouraged you to keep going and they should be killed as a war criminal. Alright, we're going to let you go. We're going to go to this bucket one more time. We're going to do something. We've got to make something happen here. Some type of fucking magic. Keep it easy. We'll keep it smooth.

Bernie, you got it. Hold on. He's trying to get off stage. Just drop out of the race, Bernie. Simple reminder Entrance over there And don't ask which one is Tony This is not a show just to fuck around either If you just want to do comedy

I think this is like Somebody sent like trolls or something to this fucking show Fucking Guam Russia hacked Kill Tony I think this is like somebody sent like trolls or something to this fucking show. This is weird. Russia hacked Kill Tony. They sent all their worst comedians over here. The guy is like one of the more quiet door guys here, but somehow he just somehow like fucks up nightly. It's incredible, the guy.

I mean, he's like one of the worst door guys. You would think the guy must be as fucking funny as Richard Pryor. I'm telling you. Well, how's he going to work a door? He can't fit through one. Oh, shit. Oh, I can call people fat. Taking shots at the throne. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Elliot Havens.

Alright. This might be one of the most unreleased episodes of this show that we ever have. It's going to be glorious. How about Jake Beckman? We got movement coming from the deep back. I'm excited about this. Hands are up in the air. I think we've had Jake Beckman on before.

Jake Beckman, everybody. Fat bitches who think they're sexy are really similar to pretty bitches who think they're ugly. They are both easy to fuck. They both have eating disorders and they will both end up as single moms. And the difference between dating a Mormon bitch and dating a

Catholic bitch is that the Mormon bitch doesn't care if you have more than one girlfriend. And the Catholic bitch will let you put it in her ass, but I don't like butt stuff. And then, uh, since being gay is a genetic and hormonal predisposition, just like being mentally retarded is, that means that they should have the right to participate in the Special Olympics. And they should be referred to as cocktards, because they are retarded for cock.

And when you get a private dance from a midget stripper, the price should be half off. Half the woman, half the price, unless a midget gets a private dance from a midget stripper. Then that little fucker's got to pay full price. And if you listen to way too much country music, you might end up fucking your sister or your cousin. Because anybody who has ever fucked their sister or their cousin listens to country music. And then how many producers did Justin Bieber's mom have to blow so Justin could get his first record deal?

Zero. She had to blow Justin. Just keep on going. All right. So, uh... But, so, I have this response rhyme put together for Katy Perry for her song Bon Appetit because that song's about eating out her vagina and having great sex with Katy Perry and I had to make a response rhyme for it. And I want to practice it with you guys so I can just fucking nail it

when I stalk Katy Perry and find her and then tell her my response rhyme. Here it is. I want to make out with Eclipse until my tongue is fit and make you feel all sorts of legit just for the hells of it. And I'll be down for more than a bit and I always hate to quit just because I'm in love with Eclipse. But now I got to change up the plot. I got to get it while it's hot. I'm going to go for the G spot. Ready or not, I'm in love with Eclipse. But now I gotta change up the plot. I gotta get it while it's hot. I'm gonna go for the G spot. Ready or not, I'm going in hot.

Gonna give it a shot. Gonna give you all that I got. Gonna hit the spot. I'm gonna do a dance with the G spot. That'll make you move more efficient than a robot. And when you're about to pop, I'm gonna look into your eyes. And I'm gonna tell you you're my queen bee. You gotta do the right moves to make honey with me.

X to C, just let it come free And get on your knees and hell I'll even say please Or something I don't know Okay Now Jake Beckman We found out on a recent episode That you've done a lot of

A lot of porn You're a porn guy you You've been in pornos. I have. I have. 15. To remind everyone, what's your porn name? Jake Ariston. Ariston.

A-R-I-S-T-O-N, right? Sounds like Allie's dad's name. A-R-I-S-T-O-N? Yeah. A-R-I-S-T-O-N. That's awful. That's too many syllables for a porn name, dude. Dude, you look like a 40-year-old man cosplaying as his 10-year-old son.

That sucks. Yeah, you know. That sucks. I want to know why every joke you delivered had the cadence of like a 1990s instructional video. When you step behind the wheel of your new Chevy Cruze, make sure you shift it at a park. You kind of deliver I hate women jokes like Jeff Foxworthy tells redneck jokes. Have you ever thought about changing your porn name?

Jake Ariston. It just doesn't have a real ring to it. What about Bernie Man? Wow. Oh my God, die. This is what happens if Chris Hardwick keeps drinking. I'd say Ron Burgundy would be the best way to go. You don't even go Dong Burgundy, dude?

It's fucking right there. Now, another fun fact for you guys is that Jake Beckman made his first comedy album before doing stand-up comedy. He did it. He just laid down an album in front of his laptop without an audience and put it out as an album on iTunes. iTunes took it down themselves.

I did. Oh, this is Jake Ariston getting his dick sucked. Oh, neat. Okay, Brian. You're out of control, by the way. I gotta confirm. Is that you? Can you confirm that that's you? Is that you?

No. No? It's not. Is that the other Jake Harrison? That's Jennifer Aniston. Dude, you're looking at Jennifer Aniston. Dude, what? My bad.

Dude, you're looking at Jennifer Aniston. Dude, what? My bad. Jake, what do you think your best sexual maneuver is? What do you think gets you a gig like that? I'd say just making sure that your dick is beat into shape and that you can last for over 45 minutes because sometimes you've got to go through all the positions in hardcore and then we go to softcore

and I still gotta be up in her but I gotta hide my dick so I gotta be balls deep and you gotta make sure you don't pop because if you blow the load too soon, you blow the whole shoot and you don't get paid. Have you done that before?

And then you blow the director. What is your pitch walking into the porn agency like, look, I know everyone can come on demand, but I can cry on demand. No, he just walks in and goes, I got that good pipe. I just actually have a really good body. I have a solid six

pack and I just showed up. No. We've had some real unlikable creatures. really good body. I have a solid six pack and I just showed up. No. Let's see. We've had some real unlikable creatures. Okay. What's up, dude? Wow. Jesus. Okay. Jake Ariston. Turn around. Can we see it? That is you for sure, right? Yeah, that's me.

That is you for sure, right? Yeah, that's me. Look who's awake, the old man. Can we get the DVD commentary on this? Yeah, dude. First scene for Reality Kings. First scene. What's going on here, you two?

And first three-way entry. Yeah, Jake, what is going on here with you two? I'll tell you what's going on. That guy earlier finally found out where the areola is. Dude, why are we watching a hobbit get his dick sucked? Why are we watching the beginning part? Who watches the beginning part even during a comedy show? Jake, what's your favorite part of uh your job as a porn actor i'm just having sex with hot chicks and it's kind of like a random date each time and they uh and so you know i just show up make sure you know i'm hygienically up to date and uh looking at your work it seems like you're a real professional

i i still considered myself an and not really a porn star. Did you have to memorize lines before going in? No, they're all improvised. They set up a scene for you. I don't believe it. Are you kidding me? You got to improvise it, and it's all improvised. Can we do a little improv right now?

Can we do a porn scene? Yes, please. This classic pizza delivery man. That's not how. Try to fuck Tony. No, no, no. This classic pizza delivery man. That's not how... Try to fuck Tony. No, no, no. Okay, I'll be the girl. I'll be the girl.

Whatever. Yeah, Joel's the character. Not to jump into that real quick. There's a perfectly good woman right here. Yeah. Seduce her, dude. I have to know. I have to know.

All right, there's not Yep Delivery Knock on the door Knock on the door Hello, are you Hey Knock Honey, get it

Oh shit, she OD'd Cuckold, cuckold Hey. Honey, get it. Oh, shit. She OD'd. Cuckold. Cuckold. Somebody ordered a... All right. Well. Anybody here?

Anybody home? Your space work. You just dropped that pizza, man. I mean... Hey. Here, how about this? Okay. She's clearly dead, so let's rewrite the script.

You're an ambulance driver going into an old lady's house where she died. Fix it, Jake Beckman. You have to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Yeah, for sure. You've got to give ass-to-mouth resuscitation. Hey. Yeah, go ahead, Jake. Anybody okay?

I got this ambulance to deliver. You got to make sure everybody's okay. I heard somebody fell down. Is everybody okay? What's wrong with your wife, sir? Is anybody okay? She seems incoherent. Is anybody okay?

What kind of... Dude, you're going to be a porn actor for the rest of your life. I know, dude. Is anybody okay? I know, I'm flustered. This little Asian girl in the front row is wiping tears away, laughing at how bad your English is, Jake Beckman. Dude.

Why did you say that like she wrote it? Is anybody okay? Dude, you're fucking up so bad right now she wishes your junk was pixelated. Is anybody okay? Have you ever been around a paramedic before in your fucking life? He's in porn. He's been around a paramedic. Is anybody okay?

Guys, are we all okay? Is anyone okay? Well then my job here is done. If anybody is okay. Could anybody be, wants to feel a little better? This is like a deleted scene from Boogie Nights before it all falls apart. My wife is still ill. Ass to mouth.

All right. Yeah, it was funny when I said it a few minutes ago. Jake, what's the grossest thing you've ever done? I think we just saw it. My wife! My wife may die! Like an interracial? This did get cut out of the video, but I did lick the MILF's butthole, and I think that was pretty gross.

Why? You think that's gross? I'm not really an ass guy. That's where shit comes from. It's gross, bro. And pee comes from vagina. Is it because she was the mom and you're thinking over all those years

there's more poops and stuff like that? Yeah, and it tasted like yeast, too. It was yeasty, so it seems like she eats a lot of poop. That was the yeast. When you hear the word yeast, you know Hanson comes out of nowhere. It's an asshole, bro.

I don't think it's supposed to taste good. Trust me, on a porno shoot, that was the yeast of your problems. Yeah. I feel like you would only eat pussy with the crust cut off. Am I correct there? No. I just like vaginas. I'll take them

I called the paramedics an hour ago No one has arrived Hey this is a big sausage EMT Is there an emergency going on Anybody okay Instead of the bang bus It's the bangbulance There you go there's your money shot

Jake Beckman ladies ladies and gentlemen. That's this episode of Kill Tony. We did it. The Mean Boys. Meanboyspodcast.com. The Mean Boys available on iTunes. I've been on it. I love this show.

Keith Carey, Connor McSpadden. What else, guys? That's it. Follow us on Twitter. We're going on tour next year. We got a Google Doc and our Twitter bio. Go fill that out if you want to come see us. We'll tell you when we're in your city.

Thanks for having us. Sorry we're not Andrew Santino. There's the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Check out that shit. That all happened while you guys were sitting there doing nothing but laughing and staring uncontrollably. Buy his book, the Kill Tony book at ryanjebel.com. Perfect. I love it.

Look at that. It's Jeremiah Watkins in the middle of the Weight Gain Challenge versus Tony Hinchcliffe. Jeremiah, how are you doing over there? Doing well. We announce the results of the Weight Gain Challenge on the next Kill Tony on January 1, 2018. January 1, live here in the main room, 8 p.m. You heard it. New Year's Day.

We're going to weigh in. Follow the shenanigans at at Jeremiah Stand Up. Jeez, Instagram Paul over there. All right. How about you, Grandma? Oh, I just want to recommend Mark Twain. Very good. Joel Jimenez.

Yo, I love you guys. I love Kill Tony fans. You guys are the best. Also, me and Pat are playing. We're opening for Dino Stamatopoulos. He was a Conan writer. He made Moral and Oral on Thursday the 21st at Nonplus Ultra. We'll be there. He has a band

up there, so we're going to play. Come on out if you hear this. Fuck yeah. Chicago, Philadelphia, and so many other places. If next Friday you're in town, like after Christmas, it's a Friday, December 29th, we'll be at the Improv doing a Death Squad show, so come join us.

Unfortunately, no show next week due to the Comedy Store wanting their staff to have a Christmas and spend it with their family. Things like that. The staff. Door guys like Guam who recommend pieces of shit

to come here. No, I'm just kidding. What's his name over there? Poor guy. Look at him. I feel bad for him. I feel bad for him. I feel bad for a lot of tonight's guests on the show. I feel bad for the listeners. I feel bad for everyone.

I had a wet lap through 90% of it, and honestly, it did take me out of the game a little bit. That was a Zoloft episode. I thought it went okay. I feel bad that I'm having a great time, and you're like, man, this is the weirdest, weird, bad shit episode ever. I hate it. That's how good the show is, that that was a horrible episode. All right, well, hurtful, man. We watched porn in public.

Yeah. Is there, I mean. George jerked off for a while. See you later, Tony. Reliving the dream. Thank you, live audience. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you.

We love you. See you January 1st, 2018. Oh, L-L-L-L-L-T-O-N-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I-N-G-O-T-E-R-I- Thank you. you you you you you