KILL TONY - KILL TONY #245

Episode Date: January 19, 2018

Dom Irrera, Luis J Gomez, Ali Macofsky, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 01/15/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv, for all the past episodes and everything Kill Tony. You can also click on tour dates to get your tickets to see Kill Tony live. We record Kill Tony Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store every week. We also have a bunch of shows on the road coming up. February 1st, we're going to be in Houston doing a comedy show and a Kill Tony at The Secret Group.

February 2nd and 3rd, we're going to be in Dallas at Hyena's Comedy Club. And we're going to be doing a bunch of comedy shows. We're also going to do a Kill Tony in Dallas on February 2nd. You can go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. It's going to be a fun weekend. We're not only bringing me and Tonyony but we're bringing the whole band joel jimenez jeremiah watkins and pat reagan are all going to be there for uh this texas tour again go to death squad.tv and click on tour dates also tony hinchcliffe has his own website tonyhinchcliffe.com

there has all his information for where he's at, all his tour dates, his merch. He's coming to a lot of places. He's going to be in Philadelphia soon, Punchline Sacramento, Phoenix, Chicago. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He drew the Kill Tony book, is now shipping, man it's awesome

I got a bunch of them I bought from him It has every episode That he's drawn and has all of them In the book, so go to RyanJEbelt.com To get that And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv That's the official merchandise

Of the Test Squad universe I draw everything on there I make all this shit and all the shit that money I get from that helps us buy new equipment for the shows and stuff right now we have a bunch of new shirts we have a pill shirt new hat some new mugs

we got new thermal we also have the kill Tony shirt there and there's a couple left on that one so go to shop squad dot TV alright guys here's a brand new episode sponsored by zip recruiter and square square space i should know i use square space all the time i love them uh anyways it's sponsored by those guys to check out our sponsors uh here's a new episode Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the real famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Fuck yeah. Feels good in here. Yeah, there's some real Tony Hinchcliffe fans out there. Look at that. It's good to be back hosting here the number one live podcast in the world. How's the audience doing tonight? Listen to that

electricity. They're gonna walk in. He's got them all warmed up. Fuck yeah. Brian Redband's here, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. Let's do this. Welcome back, Tony. Thank you. Got it. That was fucking weird last week. Yes, it was.

Yes, it was. High stress situation. Yeah. Yeah, but the hot chip shit at the end, I love. Oh, yeah. Guess what? I got some stuff coming towards us. We might have to bring that back.

Ooh la la. You know what else is coming towards us is my new favorite thing in the world, which is Kill Tony the book. Oh, my God. Drawn by house artist Ryan J. Belt, who's sitting here right now drawing tonight's episode that will one day be part of probably another

book. I just signed a bunch of them before the show, and those are being shipped out. You can buy your Kill Tony, the book at ryanjebelt.com. We're about to go on the road, Tony. Yeah, we are. We're bringing Kill Tony to Dallas and Houston. February 1st, Kill Tony in Houston, Texas. February 2nd in Dallas, we do stand-up shows.

Me, you, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, Pat Reagan. The whole band. That's Kill Tony, the stand-up show. That's two shows on that Friday night. And on Saturday night, we do Kill Tony in Dallas, February 3rd. Obviously with the entire band and everything for the first time with that. We've done Dallas twice each, Houston twice.

And this will be our first time having the whole band. And then we do two more stand-up shows after that with all of us. So that's three shows in one night in Dallas. I'm also going to be in Boise, Idaho, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and Sacramento, California, in big announcements according to Kill Tony News for Salt Lake City and Phoenix coming up soon.

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Free and secure hosting. Nothing to upgrade ever. And 24-7 award-winning customer support. I actually have been using Squarespace for like four or five years. I built Death Squad on Squarespace for four or five years. I built Death Squad on Squarespace. ShopSquad.tv. The whole store is Squarespace. I think I made it in an hour, and I've been

using it ever since. You can create a beautiful website. You can turn your cool ideas into a new website. You can showcase your work. Blogger? Publish some content, why don't you? Sell products and services of all kinds. Promote your physical or online business, Tony. Yes.

You can head to squarespace.com for a free trial when you're ready to launch. Use the offer code KILL to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com. Enter the code KILL and get a great deal, 10% off. Who doesn't like making fucking websites, right people? Come on.

It's actually an awesome... Everybody that listens to this show is extremely creative. Always fun and interesting. Comedians, you guys too. In fact, I built my website off Squarespace as well. TonyHinchcliffe.com and all the crazy shit that I do is all hosted off the crazy ass

Squarespace.com. Crazy ass. That's their new logo. Crazy ass Squarespace. Let's jump right into this, puppy. I'm excited to bring out tonight's guests. Two of my favorites. They've been on the show a bunch of times.

We're going to have so much fun tonight. I always give you two of the funniest comedians in the world. This one's no different. Two of my favorites. Let's make some noise for the funniest comedians in the world. This one's no different. Two of my favorites. Let's make some noise for the great Louis J. Gomez and Dom Irera. Come on, people. Holy shit. Seinfeld, Big Lebowski, Legion of Skanks, Gas Digital Network.

Look at this powerful union. There it is Luis J. Gomez And the great Dom Irera Here for 2018 We've had a couple crazy shows to kick off the year I figure let's follow momentum With fucking heavy KO hitters

Let's do this shit Right on motherfucker How's it going? Hell yeah, dude. I'm fucking pumped to be here. Love Los Angeles. Love the amazing weather, the amazing people. Mexican people, you guys are cool too.

It's so nice here. It's so lovely, the weather. How does it make you feel when you walk around those buildings and you feel that gust of shit New York wind hit your face? It's the worst thing. I'm going to get off the airplane and I'm going to fucking kill myself. I'm going to put a bullet in my mouth. I swear to God.

I was just in Chicago this weekend and it was so bitter. So miserable. Racist, Tony. Easy. Come on. It really was. That shithole? You know, it kills me when people say to me, how do you go to Cleveland in the winter? What do I do?

You think I go ice fishing? I stay in a fucking hotel. It's a pretty big crowd, Tony. Hell yeah. We've been having fun here in the main room every Monday. People come from around the world now. Remember, Dom? It was like five years ago we had you on.

In June, it's going to be five years of doing this show. Oh, my God. We were babies then. We were babies back then. I got to tell you, not for nothing, but you got to be five years of doing this show. Oh, my God. We were babies then. We were babies back then. I got to tell you, not for nothing, but you got to fucking lose this band. They're coming on the road with us to Houston and Dallas every single week. They play different characters, and they commit to them. I'm excited that they are back as a full unit tonight.

Put your hands together for the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. And Chroma Chris, the bass player. What? Alright, it's women.

Diner waitresses? No fucking way. You're gonna be diner waitresses throughout the show? Like old school. Pat Reagan has massive tits. He just kept shoving it in there. Wow.

A mug of cigarette butts. They really followed through. They really committed with the cigarette butts in the mug. They are real smoked cigarettes. Hell yeah. I mean, I'm just going to go with my gut here and guess that you guys are like old school diner waitresses? Yeah, yeah.

What do you want to start off with? Can I get you some coffee? Wow, that was unexpected. Jeremiah looks like a patient at a psychiatric ward So you're going to order a what you Puerto Rican What are you going to do Oh he's a girl I thought that was the first part of Howard Stern's movie

I would never show you my private parts He looks like Aziz Ansari's victim I would never show you my private parts. He looks like Aziz Ansari's victim. Oh. What, you didn't see her face? I did. I know it's unpopular, but I'm going to side with Aziz on this one. Jeez, wow. Really put your fingers in your mouth there. And I'm excited.

And Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez back there is clearly an Indian warrior here to take back his land. He rode in on horseback and the bow and arrow. She's clearly the lady that they hired to clean up the restaurant late nights. How may I help you? Wow. Wow.

Holy shit. This is very exciting. Well, Diner Waitresses, two of my favorite comedians, Red Band, everything's in place. I have a bucket full of comedians' names, or sometimes it's not even a comedian. Sometimes it's somebody's first time, or just an insane person that signs up for random

things. I pull their name, they get 60 seconds completely uninterrupted. We don't bother their 60 seconds, but after that we can talk to them about anything in the world. Meet them, find out more about them, talk about what they talked about, shit like that. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Wow. All right, you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Wow. All right. You guys ready to start this thing? It's Kill Tony live from the main room with diner waitresses Dom Irera and Louis J. Gomez. All right. Let's do it. I pulled a name out of the bucket and the name that I pulled out is that of Noah Tidwell. Here we go.

I see movement. There's a person jogging towards the stage. Keep coming this way. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Getting us kick-started in the pressure spot, it's Noah Tidwell. Don't worry. I'm not a school shooter, but's Noah Tidwell. Don't worry. I'm not a school shooter, but I do look like one. Come on, that joke usually kills.

I just got divorced. Can I get an amen? Yeah, thank you, you know. It was really depressing, but we can still be cousins though so it's cool yeah um uh so um uh fuck i did not expect to take the bullet uh for no pun intended uh but uh um No pun intended. Homeless... Homeless tints in LA, huh? They're like modern day tabernacles.

They're not the best, but they're the most holy. Okay. Fuck yeah. Closing out with a strong okay. Noah Tidwell. Wow. Noah, this is your first time on the show? Yes.

Why do you look like you were born in an octagon? Wait. This is your first time here? Do you want to hear the specials or what? Yes, please. Noah. You might be one hear the specials or what? Yes, please. Noah. You might be one of the specials, Noah.

Is your dad's name Tennessee Tuxedo? Do you know him at all? How old are you? Because your face is like 12 and your skin is like 55. I can't quite get a read on you, Noah. Noah, Noah, Noah, can I get you anything to start you off, like some jokes? Noah, over here, Noah. That's my Gloria Patty.

Noah, how long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. Wow. No. Are you fucking kidding me? Five years and you hesitated after 30 seconds? It's amazing how much crisp, clean material you get into one minute.

Seriously, good job. Keep up the good work. When you just said five years, I said your name. I, good job. Keep up the good work. When you just said five years, I said your name. I went, no. Where are you from? Texas. Yeah, what part? Dallas-Fort Worth.

Dallas-Fort Worth-less. It's right there, buddy. It seems like everything's bigger in Texas except his laughs. Yeah, I moved out six months ago. I live in San Diego. So you moved out from Dallas. What were you doing before you left Dallas?

I was doing stand-up there. But what were you doing to make money? He was a decoration on a little girl's bed. I was an electrician. An electrician? Yeah. Did you get, like, you went to school for that? No, I just didn't have furniture.

No, that's why you look the way you do. You were an untrained electrician getting jolted by 35,000 watts per day. I don't know if that's a lot. There you go. See, we even had, we have a sound effect just in case there's an untrained electrician.

I'm unqualified. How do you make money now that you live out here for the last six months? I'm a freaking cook for KFC. Wow. Yeah. They don't call them cooks. You just work at KFC. I'm the best cook, all right?

I got a certification. You're a KFC employee. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. You're a KFC employee. That's it. You're not a fucking line chef. Thanks, Brian. Electrician turned KFC cook. Actually, I worked KFC first.

I was an electrician, but I couldn't find no work out here, so I had to resort back to KFC. You had to go back. Everybody knows that's the secret recipe for success. Holy shit. No, it did well. What's one of your favorite things about being a cook

at KFC? You know, just making the chicken. You know, it's spit. Jacking off on you. Why do you do that in your fucking minute? Making chicken was your answer? Your favorite thing? Making chicken.

That's the most generic shit I've ever heard. Did they brainwash you? Just love making chicken, man. It's like, they, uh... All right, Brian, we get it. Jesus. They, uh, they, uh, they, they, they, you. Jesus. They give me 11 recipes, but I decided to have my 12th recipe.

It wasn't that joke, was it? No, it wasn't. Thank God. Is that why the chicken crossed the road? To get away from your act? Yeah, there was not even a kernel. He just fist-bumped him. He actually tried to punch me, there was not even a colonel. He just fist bumped him.

He actually tried to punch me, but he's such a nerdy, he missed. These guys. He probably has a strong uppercut from lifting the basket so much at the old chicken basket. Were you ashamed that there wasn't even a colonel of anything funny in your set tonight?

Oh, shit. So, Noah, so you've lived here for six months. What else are you doing other than doing stand-up? Obviously, you're going to open mics and stuff. I'm in school for creative writing. Oh, really? I could in school for creative writing. Oh, really? I could tell that by your act.

This is Gloria speaking. Hello, Gloria. I went to USC film school for screenwriting. And look at you. I can see it. Yeah, shut up. Noah, what do you think's the creepiest thing about you? It might be the Paddington Bear jacket.

I do want to have it. You said it earlier, when I shave my face, I look a lot younger than what I really am. Yeah. So you look 52? I've been told that too. You live by yourself? No, I'm with some friends over there. You have friends? How many roommates do you have?

They left, by the way. Two people. Two people. Two people. Small place? Oh, no. I live with my mom, you know? I live with my mom. Wait, your mom moved here, too? Yeah. Was she trying to move away from you, and you followed her?

Yeah. Is that true? You really live with your mom? Yeah, my mom and sister. Oh, and are they really here? Oh, no, not here. I'm with friends here. Yeah, I wouldn't really... What does your mom do? Surgical tech. What?

Surgical tech. A what? A surgical tech. What's that? Surgical tech. A surgical tech? Wow. Yeah.

Holy shit. And I'm doing this. What does your sister do? Other than drop you when you were a kid. My sister's actually younger than me, so I'm doing this. What does your sister do? Other than drop you when you were a kid. My sister's actually younger than me, so I actually dropped her. Oh, that's sad. All right, Noah.

I'm going to let you go. Thanks for coming. Anything else you want to say? There he goes. Noah Tidwell, everybody. Come on. There he goes. The one and the only.

Five years in the game. 42 strong seconds. That's almost 10 seconds per year. He just touched me. He definitely touched me. One of my least favorite things. If it was up to me, I'd be in a fucking glass box like Robin Quivers on this goddamn thing.

Will somebody get me that for a present someday or in a fucking glass box like Robin Quivers on this goddamn thing. Will somebody get me that for a present someday or something? Glass box? We should have a squirt bottle when they do that. Alright. I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there? You get it? We just met Noah Tidwell for the first time. Lives with his mom and his

sister from Texas. They all moved out here six months ago and he looks like that. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Jeff Herrera. Herrera? Urrea? U-R-R-E-A? I think I got it. Here he comes.

Jeff Urrea. Yeah. Thank you, guys. This is Jeff Urria. Uria. All right. Thank you, guys. So Jeff Uria. Recently single. I was engaged.

People keep asking me, Jeff, what happened? Like there's a one-sentence response to why four years of a relationship didn't work out. I'm like, she fucking joined ISIS. You know, like, what am I supposed to say? The honest answer is I'm a comedian, so I sacrifice the romance for the joke. One night she came in, I'm not wearing any panties. I was like, well, you should probably do some laundry then.

Why are you whispering? Do laundry. So she did laundry, and then I found her Spanx. I didn't know that she wore Spanx. I found this thing, I'm like, what the fuck is this? Is this, like, this lingerie? It's, like, all tight and stretchy. Like, is this a wetsuit?

Look for a symbol on it. Like, is she putting crime at night? Because it'd be fucking awesome, right? Anyways, um, Tread them on. Wearing them right now, guys. Thank you. Let me get this right. Jeff, urea?

Urea. Urea. Okay, your act is di-area. Okay. Jeff, I love how you... I had to wait 60 seconds to get that joke out Is that why you bumped me? No, I bumped you because the first thing he did He came up here and You said Jeff, you know, aria or whatever

And he just went Uria Like who the fuck are you to not Have his name right Tony Hinchcliffe? U-R-R-E-A. Clife? Yeah, exactly.

Just fucking do you in a minute. You're not going to correct him on how he said your name. It's fine, dude. Nobody's going to remember you after this. Technically, it's Uriah. You are one of the funniest weathermen we've ever had on this show. Thank you very much.

That's not even true! My feet are killing me. All right. All right. Jeff, what's your story? I've been seeing you around the comedy. This is your first time on the show, right? First time on the show. Okay. I've been seeing you around the comedy. This is your first time on the show, right? First time on the show.

Okay. I've been seeing you around the comedy store for what, like six months? Four months. Four months. Yeah. And so what's your story? I was the manager of the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club for like seven years. This week, this last week was 11 years of me doing comedy.

And I was engaged. And I was the vice chair of the Ventura County Democratic Party. Thank you, Trump. And I quit everything to move down to L.A. to be a comedian and a filmmaker. How long ago, when you say you were engaged, that means you're no longer engaged, right? No longer engaged. Not living anymore, Tony. So how long has it been since you got not engaged?

It's been six months, and we officially try working things out. So this is an interesting thing. All right. I'm intrigued. So you were engaged. How long were you with the girl? Four years. Wow.

She was my first relationship when I quit drinking. And they say never to get in a relationship when you quit drinking, and that's why. It never works out. Jeff, it really broke your heart, huh? It really tore you apart. Tell us about that. Yeah. Before you tell us about it, start thinking about the other guy that's probably fucking her right now.

Now go. Oh, that's a spot. Where did things go wrong with that? What ended up happening? Because I've never really heard that drinking thing with a relationship, so's a spot. Where did things go wrong with that? What ended up happening? Because I've never really heard that drinking thing with a relationship. So tell me more. You know, when you're a comedian and you're an alcoholic, like, having...

Take a knee, Tony. No, for me, this thing's changed, you know? Like, I had dreams, and if you're an alcoholic and you drink, it's like having a car with no gas, you know? How many times have you said that shitty car with no gas analogy in your life? A lot. Not a whole lot, actually. I go to AA and I listen, you know?

Right. I don't drink anymore, but yeah. And so I'm down here. Can I ask you? That's good whole lot, actually. I go to AA and I listen. I don't drink anymore. So I'm down here. Can I ask you, that's good for you. Look through nerds. Slow clap. Somebody drinking a Corona right there. Just clap for you. Jeff, how long has it been that you've been sober?

From alcohol, four years. Four years. Yeah, March will be four years. I still smoke weed. Hey, Jeff. What's up, buddy? Hey, Jeff. How long have you been sober from hunting werewolves?

Yeah, you fucking werewolf hunter, you. Jeff, do you mind talking about it? Like, what's the craziest thing you ever did when you got wasted? Like, what made you sort of get it together, do you think? Well, I have two DUIs. Because I'm Mexican and Irish. I got kicked out of my DUI class for showing up hungover. Oh, I like a bad boy.

Fuck yeah, Flo. Let's do this. It was nine hours after my last drink. I showed up at 11.30 in the morning, and my alcohol counselor smelled alcohol, and I blew the legal limit nine hours after my last drink. Was this before or after you got in a fight with Barney and Wilma? Trollberg is in the house tonight. What was your drink of choice? Well, at the comedy club, I would start out with vodka Diet Coke because you can't really smell vodka as much, and there's no sugar in it either, so I wouldn't get as bad of a hangover.

And then I would go downtown, and I was in Ventura, one of the only five comics that fucking live up there, and I would just fucking go out and party and drink Rolling Rocks and Fireball all night. You think there's not sugar in Diet Coke? There is, but not if you drink vodka and orange juice and cranberry. That shit will mess you up the next day.

Or vodka and Red Bull will fuck you up the next day because of all the sugar in it. I drank every day almost for about 10 years straight. Wow. I went to school at UCSB and I started a comedy show there. Now I went back and none of the kids drink. You would have such a great story

if Bert Kreischer wasn't alive. But this is just boring horseshit compared to Bert and other actual party animals. You're just a fucking,

you're kind of a failure and you're trying to turn it into this party animal thing and it's just, I'm not buying it. Yeah, I mean, other than,

I mean, two DUIs, sure. Showing up hungover, buying it. Yeah, I mean, other than, I mean, two DUIs, sure. Showing up hungover, alright. Well, I mean, like, what's something, like, you have to have, like, fucking something crazy that happened, or that you would do, or that you did. Tell us about a hooker that you killed. Come on, bitch.

Let's get to the good shit. The good shit? The good shit, one time I had sex 12 times in one night when I was drunk. Wait, you did what? I had sex 12 times in one night when I was drunk. Wait, you did what? I had sex 12 times in one night when I was drunk. What was his name? Oh, come on. Jesus. His name was Dino.

It's so physical here. He doesn't realize how sensitive our tables are on Kill Tony. It's just smoke and mirrors, bro. Everything tips over here. You have some strong Legion of Skanks table you're used to. This is just weird. Look at how wobbly that's fun. I didn't know you could get a DUI when you power the car with your feet.

There was actually a guy in my DUI class who got his DUI running a horse in Oxnard. He got a DUI running a horse. Good story. Jeff, do you have any special skills or talents? Anything?

I'm good at karaoke. Really? Is that true? I think that's a skill, guys. I think he's gonna have to prove it. Oh, you diner waitress. I mean... Go ahead. I thought that was him for a second.

That was awesome. Did you see that? That sounded exact. Yabba dabba do not. Yabba dabba me too. All right, Jeff. Well, I guess we'll find out more about you next time. Dude, thanks for having me. You guys are too. All right, Jeff. Well, I guess we'll find out more about you next time. Dude, thanks for having me.

You guys are awesome. Hell yeah, definitely. Keep coming back, guys. Not only is he sobering, so is his comedy. Jeff Aria. We had one of those awkward moments where I just put my fist out and he starts shaking my fist. Jeff, sorry about that.

Next time. Like a baby. These people are too nice. You said they're nice. I want to be mean to them and then I look over and I see their faces and I'm like,

all right, fuck it. I can't do this. Can we bring up a real asshole next so I can hit him? I'll bring up Amir. Well, this next guy is pretty... He's a pretty big asshole. He's the biggest asshole I know.

That didn't make any sense whatsoever. Put your hands together for Matthew Maloney, everybody. He's a nice guy. But he is big. I think you're going for the big thing. I was just being sarcastic. Oh. Matthew Maloney, everyone.

January's half over. Are you guys still pretending you're going to lose weight? Because I am. Started looking into gyms. Turns out they're all rip-offs. $40 a month? Are you fucking kidding me? Netflix is $8 a month.

So I decided I'm going to build my own gym and you better believe I ain't paying taxes on it because it's also going to be a church. Going to call it God is my fitness. Come on in. Confess to cheating on your wife or your diet. Either way, we'll

absolve you. It's gonna give whole new meaning to the term CrossFit. Thank you very much. Fuck yeah. Bowing out after 45 seconds. Matthew Maloney. He was out of breath.

How are you, Matthew? I'm doing good, Tony. How are you? Good. It's been a while since you've been on the show. Have you gotten bigger? Yes, I have. I've gained weight. What's going on? What's your diet consist of? I've? Yes, I have. I've gained weight. Wow. What's going on? What's your diet consist of?

I've been eating a lot of creme brulee. Really? Just straight up creme brulee? How do you even do that? Why? You make it yourself? Vanilla custard? Do you flame the top?

Yeah. How do you flame the top? I got a kitchen torch. You have a fucking kitchen torch? Yeah. Wow. Just so that you can make yourself creme brulee. Is that even on the menu, ladies?

That hasn't been on the menu for years. You could just use Aquanet and a lighter also. You don't need a torch. I feel like I've asked so many people that question sometimes. And I've never really gotten the answer I wanted until tonight on that one. Like, oh, creme brulee. I make it myself. Like, fuck yeah!

That's crazy, because that's, I mean, you're just eating straight up, like, I mean, that is just, you are eating the worst parts of the cow. Like, the fattiest, fucking just most creamy, whole fucking buttery, that's just custard. I'm getting horny.

Meanwhile, cut to a scene, he's got a fucking lighter and some jello pudding. Creme brulee. It is. It is basically the... I'm not using vanilla extract. I'm actually cutting vanilla beans open. Oh, Jesus Christ. This guy is another level fat.

Man. So, what else have you been doing for fun, Matthew? Oh, man. Besides the creme brulee. So much creme brulee. I see an album name, a TV show name, and your merch all happening. You could be the creme brulee king. Dom, what do you think about this creme brulee boy? He's making me hungry.

I wish I had some. He looks like the biggest baby in the world. Yeah, he really does. But in a good way. Does everybody in your family have that baby face? My mom does. Yeah? Yeah, my brother too.

Your brother too? Yeah. What does your brother do? He went to school to become a pilot, and now he's working as a bouncer. I bet he is. I bet he is. Aviation doesn't fare well with the Malonis, you know what I mean? Spending too much on gas.

It's a real... I get it, Brian. So your brother got big too, right? Less or so, but he's big too. He was a football player. You never played football? Hell no. What was your sport of choice? Creme brulee.

Theater? Yeah, it was a theater. Really? What'd you play? Babe Ruth? Why would Babe Ruth be in a theater production? It doesn't even make any sense. What were you? The house that the fiddler played on?

Oh, come on. That was so mean. Stupid. Okay. No, he wasn't apparently. What were you? Romeo and Orn's Jewel Stupid. Okay. No, he wasn't, apparently. Were you Romeo and Orn's Jewelry? It's okay. Were you sad when they killed off your character on Game of Thrones?

Were you the nutcracker from the factory? What, Sam? Or do you still hold the door here? There he is. The crowd goes crazy. Oh, man. Matthew, how do you supplement your income? I'm unemployed. Crazy. Oh, man. Matthew, how do you supplement your income? Oh.

I'm unemployed. I just came back from the mushroom trip. Oh, I forgot where I was. How do you make money, Matthew? I am unemployed. I am not making money. Oh, wow. How do you pay for your creme brulee habits?

Oh, I just steal all the ingredients. It's not that hard. It's eggs, cream, sugar, that's it. It's actually hard to steal all those things. Oh, my God. How long have you been doing this creme brulee thing? I just got into

it. It's a new hobby of mine. Why do I feel like you should, why do I feel like my advice should be for you to stop eating creme brulee and for Jeff Uria to start drinking again? It's too late to make a call back. Uria.

Everybody already forgot. Alright. As all diner waitresses do, Jeremiah came out with some bubble gum. And of course he threw it away because he doesn't chew anything he can't swallow. Matthew, what's your love life like? Empty.

Empty? You ever try? Are there dating sites For bigger people Like even more Plenty of fish Or something like that Or Maybe you should

Plenty of fish sticks You should try Creme brulee Yeah Yeah Yeah Matthew Do you try it all

Like are you on any Dating apps Or anything like that? No, not currently. It's just sticking to the Cranberry Lay. All right. Have you tried to use a blowtorch on a date? No.

Have you tried to torch anything else interesting other than your vanilla custards? Other than your sweet, sweet eggs, cream, and sugar? I light people's cigarettes. It's fun. Interesting. All right. Oh, Matthew.

All right. Tony. Yeah? He dropped that piece of candy, and he looked at it and went, no way I'm fucking picking that up. Oh. Stretchy pants. You couldn't catch that?

Jackass. He only lost two buttons and a zipper on that bend over. He has been waiting 15 years to shame somebody else for their athletic ability. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes, Matthew Maloney. He's on Twitter at Matthew E. Maloney, Jefferea, U-R-R-E-A, and at Tidwell.Noah, if you remember him from earlier. There you go.

Some interesting characters so far. All right, back to the bucket we go. What about a white guy? Can we get a white guy up here? See what Ichabod's bucket of destiny gives us. Put your hands together for Sean Caron. Sean Caron. Sean Caron.

So everybody's getting these DNA tests done nowadays. So I went ahead and I got one. I'm black and white. I thought I was Puerto Rican. So I got to be real with you guys. My first reaction was, oh, I'm not white. I'm not black. I want to be one thing. And then I was like,

I got bigger things to worry about, man. I'm bald. I need aid. Send aid. You know? I need a van. What am I going to call one of my boys? Like, yo, she left me. Who did? My hairline. That's all the hair shit that I got Sean Caron

there he goes now Sean I remember you from last week last week was your first time on the show and you have cerebral palsy and you said you're Puerto Rican oh I thought I was and you have cerebral palsy, and you said you're Puerto Rican? Oh, I thought I was.

Oh. Luis J. Gomez actually is Puerto Rican. He's known as the Puerto Rican rattlesnake. And I also thought I had cerebral palsy. I like... I want to tell you one thing I really like, dude. I like the fact that you didn't come up here and that was the only thing that you talked about. You know, I think a lot of people,

whether they have a disability or they're black, that's... Oh... They will only go to that over and over and over again. And I was watching, I was like, there's something fucking wrong with this guy. But I guess not, because he's not even talking about it. So...

Good on you, dude. I think it was a good instinct to be thinking about different things. I remember specifically a week ago you absolutely killed. It was very, very interesting. Unfortunately, last week I wasn't hosting the show. I didn't really get to delve in

and figure out much else about you other than the fact that you had cerebral palsy. We had a host that wanted to move on so that he could, I don't know what. Yeah, so what kind of skills do you got? I haven't even asked that tonight. I love that that's like

your go-to impression. Anyway, Sean, so like what kind of skills do you have? My man, I have many talents. I'm a wrestler. I'm a lover. I'm a poet What's your go-to move in the bedroom? You hit him with that old

cerebral ballsy I like to mix it up You can't just do one I can't just talk about one thing I gotta be well-rounded You gotta be an element of. I gotta be well-rounded. You gotta be an element of surprise. You gotta be like a ninja.

What do you mean surprise? That's called rape, my friend. You just gotta be a ninja. Get them when they don't expect it. Come down from the ceiling and just fuck the shit out of them. Have you ever been fingering a girl and got your hand stuck inside of her? No, I have. Yeah, I have.

You look like the kind of guy that would do some real Aziz Ansari shit with your hands, right? Some of that fucking V-Mouse shit. That fucking... You fucking pig surprise. He's the one that said he wants to surprise him, you assholes.

Aziz, he tried to do that move where you make a pussy out of your fingers with her mouth. It's like, open it up, look inside, it's a pussy. Oh, shit. Master of none. Oh, man. Sean, so other than being like a ninja, what are some other of your

go-to bedroom moves? I'm interested. I love to eat pussy. I love that. What's the longest you think you've spent down on a girl? A long time. Do you want that medium rare? Medium rare is with a red center, pink on the outside.

Anyway. All right, Sean. What do you do for a living? Right now, I'm an Uber driver. Anyway. Alright, Sean. What do you do for a living? Right now, I'm an Uber driver. Uber eats. You're an Uber driver? Oh, the eats though.

Just the eats. You can't deal with fucking humans. I heard there was an order at Linguini that wrote a bad report on you the other day. Swerving, going from lane to lane. You can only deliver scrambled eggs. Wow. Have you ever

ate from the food before you delivered it? Like, you're hungry and you just want to have some. Some fries. Oh, shit. The shoestring ones. They're so good. They smell so good. Oh, shoestring. So gross.

Shoestring just means that you touched even more fries. You know what I mean? The quantity of fries that your hands, which seem to be hairy and a little bit with that natural CP curvature to them. It's perfect for the form, you know what I'm saying? Streamline. Oh my god. That's interesting.

Shoestring fries for a guy that wears Velcro shoes. Come on people, it was a joke. It's because he has cerebral palsy and sometimes he'll wear the special handicap Velcro shoes. What the fuck? It's a good shoe string reference.

It'd be like the only shoe strings that he deals with. If I really wanted to spell it out. In fact, we could just make the rest of the show watching him try to tie his own shoes. When's the last time you really laced those shoes? That seems like you just said it's a long time.

Longer? What is it? Longer since you've laced those shoes or... All right, forget it. What else, Sean? Give us some more Sean fun facts. Very, very, very funny. You killed last week. Had a fun set this week.

You opened up with the same joke that you opened up with last week, though. We don't like to repeat jokes on this show since people only get to do 60 seconds. Interesting. Yeah, you fucking asshole. Killed last week, and it didn't get much this week, and it's the same joke. What else, Sean? Tell us some more interesting stuff. Funny guy.

Yeah, so what else? I'm into tattoos. Before I wanted to do comedy, I'm going hard with comedy now. I hope you're not giving the tattoos. Holy shit. I actually wanted to do comedy. I'm going hard with comedy now. I hope you're not giving the tattoos. Holy shit. I actually wanted to. But then they were like, you actually physically can't do this.

Get out of here. Leave right now. Here's your admission money to tattoo school back. We're sorry. You have a better chance in the NBA, kid. He only draws Dr. Katz figures. You L.A. stink. Anyway. He only draws Dr. Katz figures You LA stink Anyway So Sean

Tell us more I'm from Long Island Where you from? New York or fuck yeah doggy How long have you been out here? Where you from? Five months Where do you from? Five months. Five months. Yeah, five months.

Where do you live? Thai town. What? Thai town. What's your favorite thing about living in Thai town? Asians. I love Asian people. Asian people. Said no one ever. Do you ever go to the massage parlors? Yeah.

I always want... I researched. I Googled how do you rubmaps.com how do you ask for the I don't just want to just ask

you just start rubbing our leg that's not how it works at all when you said you love Asian people what do you mean exactly like what do you love

about Asian people oh man they're raw they don't care they'll just be like you smell or why you do that? What?

Or like, why you walk like that? What's wrong? But they're genuine. So it's cool. I'll be like, talk. They bully you. Oh, you're special. He's special.

You like the fact that they bully you. I guess. They tell it like it is. Yeah. So you're saying that sometimes you do smell? Yes, he's saying that, Tony. I guess so. I'll take that as an involuntary yes.

Like fries and butts. I'm going to sort of ask you the same thing I asked Matthew. Do they have a special dating app for you or anything like that where you can hang out with other people that can't walk and are completely normal? It's called shaken, not stirred. Toward harmony. Right? Nothing like that?

There has to be an app for people with special needs. 100%. It's called Cerebral Paul A to Cerebral Paul Z. Oh, Jesus. Too smart? Alright, bye. Too smart? All right, bye. That's what we were all thinking. Too smart.

Can I be sincere? Dumble. You know what? Fuck everyone in this crowd. How about that? Dumble was good. Maybe Timber, because you guys are always falling down. All right. Anyway, Sean, what's the last date you went on?

What was that like? A while ago. Oh. Actually, I don't go on dates. I'm not, especially now, because I'm just going hard with this. I'm just going to Mike's. But, like, I went to, after a show, I hooked up with somebody, like, because we had a show at a bar. So, like, at the back of the bar.

Oh, shit. In the bar? Wow. You went all the way in the back of the bar? Yeah. Really? Fuck yeah. Wait.

I'm going to be honest with you. For like special needs, is that what it would be described as, right? Yeah. You're very attractive. Oh, thanks. You're like literally the best looking special needs person I've ever seen in my entire life. He's a handsome fucking guy. And he's got a good smile, good face. Yeah, dude, he would be, if there was an app

for retarded people, I don't want to say retarded, I don't know if that's what it is, but if there was an app for that, you would be crushing puss on it, dude. Yeah, you'd be like the Bruno Tards. Jeremiah. People, I'm sure they'd have to swipe up and diagonal a little bit. Yes.

Make the Z. What kind of bar was this at the show it was a candy bar Tony and like where were you like behind curtains or something or in a bathroom no just in the bathroom cause I guess we were just talking for a while people had cleared out

but I guess we were just in the back that retarded guy is fucking a girl in the back everyone leave this is crazy. What's going on here? The world's ending. It's weird that they would give you guys a table in the back. Normally you guys have the table in the front, right?

Good spot always now. That was because he was half black. Do you drive? You do, yeah. You drive food for a living. That's right. What else, Sean? What's your favorite accomplishment that you've ever been part of? Non-comedy thing. Non-comedy?

I went to Temple University. I graduated. Go Al's. Yeah. Oh, fist bump. Fuck yeah. Go Owls. Yeah. Oh, fist bump. That was involuntary. What did you

major in? English. Oh, wow. What's Temple's big sport? Basketball, huh? Yeah, they're big into basketball. How long of a set do you have? How long is the longest you've done?

Oh, probably six minutes, seven minutes. Without stretching, with punches also, probably six minutes, seven minutes. But I'm always improving. And we know it's hard for you to both stretch and punch. Anyway. Sean, there he goes. Two weeks in a row.

Sean Caron. He's got the luck of the bucket. He's on Twitter. It's SeanIsBuilding. S-H-A-U-N. Or is that balding? Sean is balding. You're balding? Sean is balding. You're balding?

That's what it says. Well, we might have a cure in a future episode. Ooh la la, that's right. Stay tuned. Alright, I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like a new person. Put your hands together for Jenny Griffin. Here we go Jenny Griffin what's up all right so a little bit about me. I recently got out of an abusive relationship.

Thank you. I'm doing great. I just finished serving my time. Yeah. That fucker did call the cops on me, and I did go to jail. And that wasn't it, though. If you did...

Wow. I have a restraining order, too. and that wasn't it though that if you did wow I have a restraining order too yeah and it's my baby daddy yeah so we have two kids I'm a parent anybody else yeah I know fuck kids too

I love my kids though. They make me laugh. They fucking make me laugh. My mistake was sharing a dating story with them. My daughter now repeats it, but she substituted me for Cinderella, so the story goes like, once upon a time, Cinderella...

There it is. Go ahead, you can finish it Jenny all right so uh once upon a time Cinderella goes on a date and then she has diarrhea so she has to go to the restroom and that was it her date laughter the end and that's a true story that I shared with them. There you go. Jenny Griffin. Okay. Here we go. Let's just jump right into it. Right now, who the hell is watching your kids?

I split custody with the baby daddy, so he is. And if they make you laugh, who makes them laugh? Listen, how many times do I have to tell you? We don't split checks here. Jenny, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Three years. Oh, my God. Jesus fucking Christ.

You shit yourself? I was 100% sure this would be one of those ones. It was like a first time or something like that. Wow, that's crazy. How many times have you done it in three years? Please tell me. No, senior kids. Half.

No, I have 30%. He has 70%. Oh, what the fuck did you do? I'm the baby daddy. You better leave me at least 20%. Jeremiah. You have to be... Let me explain to you guys something

because I'm in a co-parenting relationship. You have to be such a dangerous psychopath for him to get the majority of custody. Wow. Yeah, what did you do? The woman never, ever doesn't get the majority of custody. I am terrified to be this fucking close to you.

Right. I have no idea be this fucking close to you. I have no idea what she did, but she's not a good person. And it really is. And here's what's interesting. You had amazing setups throughout this entire thing. I was waiting for so many punches. There was setup, setup,

setup, setup. So was your baby's daddy. So, I mean, but you really didn't give us any of the juice, any of the details. You just sort of gave us your, like, your, like, very bad employment resume. Are you an obsessive, jealous type girlfriend?

No. Where did it start? What happened? I want to know what you did that fucking made you lose the majority of custody because it has to be a dark story. You did something fucked up. Come on. I slapped him and I kind of beat him up and then he called the cops.

him up and then he caught the cops. Slapped him and kind of beat him up. He deserved it though. What did he do? He cheated. Are you sure? Are you sure that he cheated? He told me he cheated. I didn't catch him.

Who did he cheat with? Obsessive jealous. A girl. Just some random girl? Yeah. he told me he cheated I didn't catch him who did he cheat with a girl some bitch a bitch a fucking bitch I don't know her fuck that bitch any more questions Tony fuck that

where did it happen don't tell me it happened in the back of a bar Any more questions, Tony? Fuck that. Where did it happen? Don't tell me it happened in the back of a bar. No, no. We lived together in our apartment. Yeah, she was just holding the kids when it happened. Wow. Where were you and the kids when it happened?

We were all in the same apartment. Wow. Really? Yeah. The kids saw this? No, the kids were in the room. They were playing. They're blind. We were in the room they were playing they're blind I have blind kids fool

I said fuck it I'm gonna hit this fucker right in front of them they can't see I don't give a fuck any more questions Tony? how big is the apartment Jenny? how big was the apartment? Two bedrooms.

Two bedrooms. So they're in one bedroom playing, and you guys are what, in the other bedroom? Yeah. And where did... All right. Well, maybe he wouldn't have cheated if your pussy didn't have a C rating. Jenny, what is your ethnicity? Your name's Jenny Griffin, but you don't...

I'm Mexican. Right. Jenny Griffin's just like a cover. That's his last name. Oh, you keep his last name, just say fuck him, because that other bitch ain't taking it, right? Yep. I just like it. How long ago did this happen? This was three years ago.

How old are your kids? Four and six. How long did you go away for? This was three years ago. How old are your kids? Four and six. How long did you go away for? It was only a day. Oh, that's not fucking prison. Go ahead. You were about to say something there. You were about to say something.

No, but I do have a restraining order, and that was for three years. So I could go to jail if I talked to him. They're going to have to drag me, though. Fuck that, eh? Come and get me. I fucking dare you, eh? Stupid pigs.

When you say you slapped him and beat him up a little bit, what else? What are some of your other moves? If we had Jenny Griffin, the video game character on UFC, the video game, what would be in your skill set? Like a spatula? She'd stick a pit bull on him. Get him, chico!

You fucking cheated, eh? Honey, real quick, can I add anything to your restraining order? Like some eggs? Fertilized? What did you do? Did you just go close fist? Did you throw elbows? What was some of your moves?

I just slapped him and he said I scratched him. He said you scratched him. He said I scratched him. You fucking scratched him. Shut the fuck up, Jenny. You scratched that guy. Admit it. I don't remember.

You're a liar. I don't remember. Admit it, Jenny. It would probably feel good to come clean right now in front of these people. Jenny, you know what? We brought your kids. Bring them out. Come on. Here they are. Tell your kids you're sorry.

Here's the kids of Jenny Griffin. They're wearing boxing gloves. Oh my God. This is so fun. So, Jenny, what do you do for a living? I'm a Lyft driver. Wow. Interesting.

How long have you been doing that for? A month. Only a month? What did you do before that? I was in construction Construction? Facial reconstruction of my ex Now you're rebuilding your life

Hey, that was not Joel Berg That was Jeremiah Watkins So you shut up about that. It's a shame your husband didn't wear a hard hat. You wouldn't have those two pesky kids running around the house. Jenny, what kind of construction did you do? I was in the project team.

We know you were in the projects. I was outside. I was handling paperwork in the projects. I was outside. I was handling paperwork in the administration. Any of those guys in the construction place ever make a pass on you? You get flirted with a lot there? They better not, eh? Where'd you meet your baby daddy at? At a bar.

Hooters. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What did you just say after you said a bar. Hooters. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What did you just say after you said a bar? Hooters. Were you working there? Hooters bar. Were you working there or were... No, we were watching the... I was going to say, those are not great Hooters.

Oh, wait. Come on. Please say Dodger game. Please say Dodger game. Dodger game, Raiders game? Lakers. All right, shout out to the Lakers. But he's not Mexican, is he? No, he's black. game? Dodger game? Raiders game? Lakers. Shout out to the Lakers.

He's not Mexican, is he? No, he's black. You beat up a black guy? And now, by the way, and now, it all makes sense to me because when you said that you scratched him, but you don't remember that, I'm like, well, where was the scratch? But black guys don't have the power to get scratched. A lot of people don't know that. I'm like, well, where was the scratch? But black guys don't have the power to get scratched. A lot

of people don't know that. There's no scratch left afterwards. Black guy let a girl beat him up? What a bitch. Everybody in the hood makes fun of him now? It's great. Does a black cock taste different? I don't think so. Have most of the men that you've been with have been black?

Is that your overall preference throughout most of your life? I'm really open-minded. Seems like you're pretty open-legged, too. A judge gave a black man 70% custody. And you slapped him. And he says you scratched him. Did you get crazy in the courtroom? I can see you getting crazy

in the courtroom. Did you? You did? What did you say in the courtroom? She did a Mexican get out with her family. Well, that's where I got the three year restraining order. Oh, wow. What did you say in the courtroom? What did you do? Something, wow. What did you say in the courtroom? What did you do?

Something horrible like that Cinderella story you told at the end of your set? She used to interact. Objection! You will stop, madame! That's it, three years, 70-30 for the black man! All right. What else? You seem so compelling, Jenny.

You seem like you're a cool comedy thug or something. You're like the bad girl of comedy. You don't even have jokes. I love it. But you have all the attitude. What else? Have you gotten in trouble for other things before? No, that was the first time.

Do you like hot Cheetos? I love hot Cheetos. You do? What about Takis? Is that a girl that likes black guys thing? Yeah. Wow, really? It's a Mexican thing.

I thought that was the name of a black guy. Does she have Jordans on? Oh, you're talking about Hot Cheetos Johnson. Hot Cheetos. Oh, you know Hot Cheeto. Oh, shit. Well, Jenny, all right. You went from construction, you drive in a Lyft.

How often do you go on stage? How often do you do stand-up? Every other night. More than she sees her fucking children. I gotta work. How often do you ask people, where you from, homie? What do you think is the most Mexican thing about you?

Wait, what? Like, what do you think is the most Mexican thing about you? Like, of all the stereotypes that you can think of or anything that you do in which you're like, I wonder why I do that. Maybe it's in my blood. Wow. Blood in my blood. Wow. Blood in, blood out.

For example, like the most Mexican thing my wife does is she fucking loves quesadillas. Your turn. I like chiles. What? I like chiles. Chiles? We're going to go to Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez on the scene

to decipher this. It's a restaurant, Tony. Do you want me to translate or thumbs up it or thumbs down it? You can just give us a description of what she just said. She just means she likes spicy shit. You know, chilies. Yeah, we all like chilies at the restaurant.

It's great. All right. She probably don't have one of those chips that we ate last week right now yeah you like really

really really hot stuff yeah did you ever have a guy with cerebral palsy go down on you he's half black well sort of he's like 70-30

there she goes Jenny Griffin Thank you so much. Giving us all the dirt. I love it. I love it. Welcome back to Kill Maury Povich. More time for Jenny Griffin, giving us all the fun exclusive Jenny Griffin information. We just learned a lot about her. She's really open about it.

Yeah. You would hide in shame or something, but no. Internet. Maybe next time she comes back and it's just all punchlines to those setups that she gave us tonight. You never know. Don't say punch around her.

Let's go back to the bucket again. Here we go. You guys having fun out there, huh? I could use a break. Put your hands together for AJ Fodgy. AJ Fodgy. AJ Fodgy. Here he comes. Come on, everybody.

Make some noise for AJ Fodgy. Hello, hello, hello. I just moved here from Texas a few months ago. I'm single, so I'm doing the online dating thing. It's weird, though. I feel like people have codes for what they want in a relationship. For instance, if you get online and a girl in Texas is like, I'm a country girl, and all she's trying to say is,

no black guys, is what that means. Or if you get online and a young lady's like, I'm a Southern belle, what that means is, no, seriously, no black guys. Upon extended research, it became clear it was just code to try and keep your boy out. However, once I got online, a girl was like, Hennessy's my drink of choice.

To which I said, get in the car. We're done here, right? I mean, I'm Nigerian. Might have noticed a little bit of an accent. Sometimes people will come up to me and want to connect. One thing I get often is, hey, Faji, you speak so well. You speak such good English. And granted, that would be a great compliment if English wasn't the only language I spoke.

Meow. Do you know what that's like when somebody comes and compliments you on some shit you do in your default setting? There you go, AJ Fodgy. AJ, first of all, very, very funny. Really what I want to know is how does it feel to have 70% custody of those little children? And how bad was that scratch?

Also, you said you're Nigerian. Did you ever get the money that you're trying to get through those emails? I knew that was going to be the first one for sure. I knew it. Were you born here in America? No, I was born in Nigeria. How long have you been here?

I was born in Nigeria. I lived there for six years. Then moved to New York City. Lived there until about 11. Then moved back to Nigeria. That's moved to New York City, lived there until about 11, then moved back to Nigeria. That's how bad New York City is. There are way too many black people on this island. Then, yeah, moved back to Nigeria,

lived there until 19, moved to Iowa for college, and then to Dallas. You went to Iowa University? No, Drake University. Oh, Drake University. That's the rapper. He has a college. Hell yeah.

Started from the bottom, now you're there. Yes, Nigeria is the bottom. I love it, but I mean, it is pretty bad. I mean, if you're soft or whatever. What made you pick Drake University in Iowa I actually didn't give a fuck in college I mean in high school so like I had good grades and everything but

I couldn't be bothered so I just was filling out applications to schools that didn't require me to send an application fee from Nigeria and didn't require me to write an essay it's too much work wow well instead of writing one essay and spending and didn't require me to write an essay. Because it's too much work. Wow.

Instead of writing one essay and spending four years in one place, you decided to just not write one essay and spend four years in Iowa? I realize in hindsight it seems pretty clear, but going forward it wasn't that simple when I thought about it. When he says essay, they make him write to one Mexican guy.

Why he should be able to... I'm interested to find out some things that you think we would find different about Nigeria, like the real shit. What kind of family situation were you born into and stuff? What was that like? I had eight siblings. That's pretty cool.

Could you tell us how black people are like this and white people are like that? You want me to do one of those? No, don't do that. Tell us specifically about Nigeria. No, let's do that. No, Nigeria... I'd really like to hear that, actually. Don't listen to the witches.

Nigeria is pretty rough. I mean, life is a lot cheaper out there. How cheap is it? I mean, it's just... I mean, here I guess it would be out of the norm to see a dead body or whatever. I mean, it happens. Like, how much cheaper?

Like, I remember I was in middle school, or no, just after high school. We were out at the bar. Dude came into the bar. He told us how he just got in an accident, killed the dude that he hit, and then just came out and drank with us the rest of that night. Wow. Yeah, it was a piece of shit. It was a piece of shit. Wow, Nigeria's really changed.

Seriously. It's all black now. You used to be able to leave your door open at night. It's all black now. Dumb motherfucking Irera Oh god Wow

Do they have some American things in Nigeria? Is there like a McDonald's and stuff like that? McDonald's no but we got KFC a few years back I bet you did And Popeyes Stop it We got a guy that works for KFC You wanna meet him?

It's like reverse slavery They have a little white guy in the kitchen Does Nigeria force you to join the army? Things like that? No, but after you graduate university You have to serve as part of the youth corps for a year As a genie? You look like Kazam, that's why.

I was in a hell of a stretch. So how long have you been in the States since your last return from Nigeria? Since I got back from college. I was 19, so 11 years now. 11 years. How many white vaginas have you ruined? My fair share.

I don't know. Fair share. How many times do I have to say Candyman before you appear? Oh my gosh. Wow. What else do you do for fun

when you're not doing stand-up? What do you do for work? I'm a doctor at a pharmacy. Oh, wow. It's a drug dealer. Oh, we take it back. Do you have a pain pill for my sciatica? How long have you been

working at a pharmacy? Ten years. Wow. That's a pretty good job. Not that you do, but could you steal drugs? I could. What? Dude, you are so funny. You're so good. Dude, you are great.

So awesome. I'll just take a couple Z-Packs. You see, I always think about it, but I never want to do it just because I have a good job. But something like Z-Packs, I feel like I could get away with that shit pretty easy. What about Oxycontin? That, they would find you pretty quick.

Yeah, what about just like a couple a week? Come on, a couple a week. You're not going to notice. What are we, children? You could probably find someone to do it. I just won't. I know that one. Right, we'll talk later. Sickest person

that's ever walked up to your window at that pharmacy. What was that like? Something really standout. You mean like mentally or like physically? Half black guy, had cerebral palsy. Let's go with physically. Anybody like bleeding out of the eye or something crazy? Physically, like, you know, just you have people pass out, like need an ambulance, like short of breath, stuff like that.

If you're really sick, you're going to be in the hospital anyway so yeah you ever give anybody mouth to mouth no we're trained to but like I would just probably give compressions you ever give them some dick to mouth have you ever been paid to be in a cuckold no but I have been offered twice

but no that's I just thought of somebody staring at me in the background, I feel too vulnerable. The husband? Do you ever prescribe like African medicine? Just like some chicken bones and a fucking voodoo prayer? A rhino horn? My grandma would know that shit. I don't do that shit. All you have to do is think about your worst enemy.

And you will be cured. That vo do that shit. All you have to do is think about your worst enemy. And you will be cured. That's really shit. Akuma Matata. What do you do for fun? I don't think I got an answer for that. When you're not working or doing stand-up. Like stand-up, I play ball. I like going out and stuff.

Sports and stuff. What type of stuff do you like to do when you go out? I like to go out, like, when you have, like, a good crew. I'm kind of New Year's, so I don't know too many people, like, well out here. So, like, but just go out, hit the bars and stuff like that, drink. Yeah, try to smash. Your favorite night in L.A. so far, what did that sort of consist of? You remember that night, something standout?

Tonight, Tony. Honestly, it'd be probably something boring, like some standup stuff, probably. All right, AJ. Do you prefer white chicks? Because if I were you, I would exclusively just fuck tiny white chicks. Why?

Because it would just be awesome fucking, like reverse racism, just fucking smash them out. Make them call their dad in the middle of it. I mean... I like that. That's a tough one to answer. No, but like I kind of equal opportunity.

Gloria is a tiny white woman. Yeah, if you had to pick between the blonde and the brunette over here or this Indian man in the back. Juicy fruit. I mean, out of the three,

I guess Joe looks the most like a woman out of the three of them. That's what I've always said. I always said Joe. He like nice skin or something. Yeah, Joka haunt us back there. Okay, so I have lodged features. Okay, I get it. Alright.

Alright, AJ. Well, I guess we found out that you would, of all the people, fuck Joel Berg. So now, you have to fuck Joel Berg. Congratulations, AJ. Welcome to a new segment we call Fuck Joel Berg. So now you have to fuck Joel Berg. Congratulations, AJ. Welcome to a new segment we call Fuck Joel Berg. AJ, anything else you want to say? No. All right, fun times.

Anything else for AJ, guys? There we go, AJ Fodgy. He's on Twitter at AJ Fodgy. We're going to go back to the bucket in just a second. But right now, let's bring up our one and only regular. You know her from our brand new 60 Seconds every single week on Kill Tony.

One of my favorite comics to watch every single week. Put your hands together for the great Allie Makovsky, everybody. Hey, I've worked a lot of restaurant jobs, and you never get like a full two weeks training. You get like three days of training, and then suddenly there's a new person that you have to train, and it just feels like a game of telephone. I'm like, I think Steve said that forks go on the right side.

And then I'm like, wait, how long has Steve worked here? Then it turns out Steve is just a regular at the restaurant. The break room's like a prison cell. Everyone's just scratching out how many days they've worked there just feels like the blind leading the blind and honestly i feel like a blind person would be better at my job than i am and i don't know if that's more offensive to blind people or to my work ethic i had a blowout at. This lady was giving me a hard time saying that I wasn't explaining the prices

correctly and I said, do you want to work here? And I genuinely wish she did. Thank you. Allie Makowski with another new minute. I liked it. So you're working at like a wing joint, right?

Yeah, now I'm working at a wings place, yeah. Yeah, it's a wings place. Yeah. What's the break room there really like? There is no break room. Right. It's just the walk-in freezer. I just go in there and cool off.

See, that's literally like, I mean, that's an interesting thing that's true and funny. So you could, instead of saying the break room thing like a prison, you could say the break room or as I call it, the walk-in freezer. And you'd get that laugh that you got the first time you said that you go into the

walk-in freezer. Anyway. How long have you been at this wing joint? It's been like three or four weeks. It's great, though. And I love that we won't name the wing joint, by the way, because we don't want to get any chance of Allie in trouble. When I first said that I started working at a wings place, I made a joke

about it, and then a guy literally came in the next day and said, hey, I heard you on Kill Tony, and I didn't even use the right name for it. Well, I heard you want to kill Tony. And I didn't even use the right name for it. Well, then we better wing stop right now. Wow. Now this is the part where I just hope it's not wing stop and it probably is.

It's not. It's not. No. Winglings. And Van Nuys. I bet it's the baked wings placeys. What's that baked wings place? I bet it's the baked wings place. It totally is the baked wings place.

It's Kenny Roasters, right? Kenny Rogers Roasters. No, there's tons of wings places. Nah, it's the baked wings place. Don't fucking lie. When someone finishes their order, do you say, I'll wing you up over here? Oh, lordy.

You're not going to give us a hint on the wing place? You're not going to give us a hint On the wing place You're not going to throw us a bone Good one Helen Hey Helen What do you call a dog with wings What Linda McCartney

That's so great That's my waitress Patty Patty Reagan, right there. Linda McCartney. The band Wings. Do you come home smelling like shit every night? And I have to refill the ranch and all that stuff, and it just splatters all over me. Is that your excuse?

Ambiguous stains on all of my clothes. But it's cool. It's some leftovers, you know? You, like, waitress there, right? No. Oh. You're the girl at the... I just kind of hang out. At the register? Yeah. So it's like one of those walk-up type wings places, aren't it? Maybe.

Thought you were one of us for a moment, but no, I guess not. No. What's the ratio on races? How many whites? Oh, black people. It's. Maybe. Thought you were one of us for a moment, but no, I guess not. What's the ratio on races? How many whites? Oh, black people. It's all blacks. Mostly, yeah. White people always get boneless, and I'm like,

come on, quit playing. Do you have a tip bucket or you don't even bother? I get a lot of tips. Black people love me. Yeah. I think it's because of my haircut.

They think you're Nelly. And my thick thighs. Thick thighs? How about your love life? You still with that guy? You have a boyfriend, right? I don't want to talk about it. Oh, wow.

They must have had a talk or something. Look at that. He's now off limits on Kill Tony. Can we just call him Stedman from now on or something like that? So you can keep your secret superstar identity without affecting anyone else? All right. Did he get mad that you talked about him on another show? What?

Did he get mad that you talked about him on another show? No, no, I don't think he listens to this. I just don't want to talk about it. Not a Tony Hinchcliffe fan. Wow, now I'm doubly insulted. I don't like this guy and I don't trust him. He loves comedy podcasts, just notinchcliffe fan. Wow, now I'm doubly insulted. I don't like this guy and I don't trust him. He loves comedy podcasts, just not this one.

Wow. Wow. All right, so what else is going on in life? You know, I don't know. I don't know nothing. Things are good.

You're opening for Russell Peters, right? Oh, yeah. Thank you. Yeah, I'm going to Phoenix on Thursday and doing guest spots with Russell Peters at right? Oh, yeah. Thank you. Yeah, I'm going to Phoenix on Thursday and doing guest spots with Russell Peters at Stand Up Live. Fuck yeah. Yeah.

Awesome. I'm excited. Love that. Every time I do stand up, they give me the check spot. I don't know what it is. You look great. Thank you so much.

I really like this. The black guys don't like me apparently They like Patty Reagan Yeah, Jeremiah looks like if somebody put Dorothy and the Wicked Witch in a microwave together It's got the hair of Dorothy The nose of the witch Yeah, I think that you needed to explain it further

Tony Hinchcliffe They didn't get it off the first bat Yeah, I think that you needed to explain it further, Tony Hinchcliffe. Put the fucking lotion in the basket. They didn't get it off the first bat. Maybe they didn't know what I was talking about exactly. You know what I mean? Maybe it went a little up and around and almost over their heads. Joel looks like he just left Standing Rock. Actually, I just got kicked out of the Red Hot Chili Peppers,

so I started working at this time. All right, Ally. Well, you're a rock star. We love you here. Congrats on opening up for Russell Peters. Hopefully, who knows what's next in the great world of Ally Makovsky. I don't know about you.

I'm staring at my night, you know, no. Yeah, yeah at that. Came all the way from the bottom of his nose. All right, I pulled a name out of the bucket. This certainly looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Jonathan Picard. Jonathan Picard. Yes!

I'm 0 for 5, ladies and gentlemen. I'm 0 for 5. I've come here five weeks where I flew in from Memphis one time, drove the one time, drove the second time, nothing. You don't know me, but I'm your brother. And you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Taking it to, you suck. Fuck. On my own. You're a fucking band. You're supposed to jump. Oh, you want us to play? No, I want you to sit there with your legs open. I've been looking at their black fucking crotch for the last, like, that. Jesus, Lord.

Oh, my God. Okay. Drove all the way in from Memphis, and I'm, like, so worried. I'm, like, oh, my God. please don't see a dead dog along the way, don't see a dead dog along the way. Ah, but it's just a pillow. It was a pillow, Tony. Little pillow.

There's a little pillow on the side of the fucking road, and there's a baby in the backseat going, Mama, where's my pillow? And Mom's like, I don't know, why is your window down? Ooh, dead deer, dead deer. Ooh, uh-uh. The mom's like, I don't know, why is your window down? Ooh, dead deer. I'm not driving. Thank you, guys. Thank you, man. Even the microphone's

giving you two thumbs down right now, Jonathan. It's amazing. Alcohol doesn't seem to affect you. Guys, give it up for Zach Gallifrey Crackhead. Almost funny. Okay. Guys, give it up for the amazing Yonathan. I got to take that one, too.

Okay. Wow. Yeah, you're just really, really bad, Jonathan. That's the one I came up with. How's it going, man? How are you? Talking to the mic, sweetie. Talking to the mic, sweetie.

Huh? Talking to the mic, sweetie. It's a live podcast. It goes out. It's the number one live podcast in the world. Talking to the mic. Did Black Crotch just say that? Oh, my.

Okay. Hi. Jonathan, you seem a little bit loopy. You been drinking a lot tonight? Yes. I'm really 0 for 5. A few drinks in. I really didn't think it was going to happen after that. What, my. Okay. Hi. Jonathan, you seem a little bit loopy. You been drinking a lot tonight? Yes. I'm really 0 for 5 a few drinks in. I really didn't think it was going to happen after that. What do you mean 0 for 5?

You've signed up for the show five times. I've been here five times. So at that point, how many times in in which you're like, I'm just going to get so fucking drunk that when I do get called, I'm just going to make that the theme? Well, the last time I got jinxed, I didn't want to smoke before. I didn't want to jinx it. And then I've ruined that. And this time I was like, you know, I'm going to drink and have no material,

and if I just get up, I'll wing it and do good, and I will never do that again. All right. Well, can I say, he said, he was like, I didn't think it was going to happen. And I mean this, dude. Jonathan was standing there, pacing back and forth before Tony read the name, and then as

he started, he didn't even say a word, Jonathan started walking toward the stage like he fucking knew is that true i swear to god it was psychotic it made me think the whole show was a fucking sham i was like does tony actually pre-tell these people they're going to come up here no it's no sham because i've been trying for five fucking weeks that's bananas i just watched that happen well he's paying. Jonathan, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I'm a paid regular here. I haven't hung out in quite a while.

Hold on. Stop. Yeah, come on. Bring it on. You're a paid regular here? My name is painted above Eddie Murphy's right there. They won't return my fucking emails! Jesus Christ, Lewis. On the episode in which... And this asshole

is a paid regular here. Okay. When were you... I love that that's what made it back up. Thank you, Jeremiah. Jonathan, what year were you made a paid regular here at the Comedy Store?

I believe it was probably 1997. 1997. Did you showcase for Mitzi Shore? Yes, I did. I was made a paid regular here at the Comedy Store? It was probably 1997. 1997. Did you showcase for Mitzi Shore? Yes, I did. I was made a paid regular after three performances in the OR room. Wow! Holy shit! Did you just go in and wing it and start singing Michael McDonald and there was a band

that actually followed what you said and that just killed the entire time? No, I kind of planned things a little better and didn't drink quite so much. Interesting. It was a little more organized. So what did you do after becoming a paid regular? Heroin.

Are you done? That was pretty kind of close, but no. No, you know, I just did my best. I started out doing those spots and worked my way up, and then she painted my name up, and I ran away. After you got your name on the wall, you're like, that's it for me. No, I just, by luck, and then all of a sudden I decided,

well, fuck if I can do that, I can go do anything I want, so I went off to film school. Okay, where'd you go to film school at? USC film school with my little fucking trip. Fight on. Screenwriting department. 2006. You look like you're still a student

there in a very Van Wilder-like situation. Something very college-like. I can buy into that. I'm a fucking 30th year senior. That's right. Most of them are called doctors, but you know, it's film. Hell yeah. So you went to film school. What have you done with that? I produced Shark Week.

Whoa. That's cool.? I produced Shark Week. Whoa! That's cool. I fucking love Shark Week. I hate to break it down to you, but Shark Week is really nothing more than pro-wrestling, though. That means I pour blood in the ocean and wait. I mean, honestly, that's what it is about, but it changed my life. I got my name

painted up on here. Those poor young children. Huh? Damn, he's so close to funny every time, too. That's really close. And then, Dom, we've got the big Lebowski limo driver right here that it just shocks me to no end. I mean, it's a legend with Dom. I'm waiting for him to fuck with me.

Dom, you know, I'll have to open up for you probably like 15, 20 times. Jonathan, nobody remembers you. Oh, well. See, they didn't laugh at that. Now they're turning on you, Tony. Holy shit. No, Jonathan, they fucking hate. Oh, well. See, they didn't laugh at that. Now they're turning on you, Tony. Holy shit. No, Jonathan, they fucking hate you. Trust me.

No, it's true. You're not winning them over us. I promise you. You're so uncomfortable that they are now getting uncomfortable. That's what's happening. Wow, that makes me feel bad. It should. Well, it kind of does.

Well, Jonathan, you seem to have a real negative attitude. Do you often get mean sometimes when you drink? Only when I'm driving. A little bit sensitive? Yeah, no, no, no. Wait, look at that. He got a real laugh. There was a glimpse of that paid regular from 1991 there for a second.

Now it's coming out. All right, so you make Shark Week, and now what? You probably got rich off that, right? Yeah, fooling his money or soon partying. Do you still work with them? No, not really. That's kind of lame. I've got a little small thing. My day job is, you know,

making other films and little projects and stuff. Okay. Elaborate. Instagram stories, mostly That was almost funny too And I'm drunk, everything should be funny Jonathan, it's funny We're the number one live podcast in the world

Stop making it weird Why would you not think that I wouldn't know that And that's why I'm so happy to be here I've come 0 for 5 and sit here and watch every week And last week with you in the pink wig It was something else. I really thought you enjoyed it a little too much. There you go.

All right, Jonathan. No, keep him up here, Tony. Do not make him leave. No, this is bad. He is so uncomfortable. Look at what you're doing to everyone. You know how much fun we were having before you? Really was.

Before you came up here and fucking half-assed it and disrespected the beautiful art of stand-up comedy and then accused all of the amazing comics up here of not being funny. Are you out of your fucking mind? I want to go piss on your fucking name on the side of this building.

It's making me furious. My name's too high up as Little Dick. Oh, I'll try. We can never make it up that high. I got a little pecker, guys. Get it? Looks like we're getting roof access. He fucking nailed me, guys. I got a little dick. Alright, Jonathan. There he goes. Jonathan Picard.

0 for 5. He was 0 for five, so on his sixth time, I guess that's like a big deal. I hope he gets hit by a fucking bus tonight, Tony. I fucking hated that guy more than anybody that I've ever hated on this show. He really is. It's like if...

He wore me out. He was just the worst. You might not be right for this show. I really aren't. I'm not. He made me so fucking angry. That was almost funny. That was almost funny. Go fuck yourself.

Yeah. It's like, why did Chris Farley have to overdose and he survived? He smells like onions also. All right. I pulled the name out of the bucket. I'm excited about this. Put your hand. This is Red Ink.

That's why I'm excited, if you're wondering. I don't think we've ever had this name up before, but it's Red Ink. Put your hands together for Luke Derrick. Here we go. Wrote his name in Red Ink. Good handwriting. Good stride.

Luke Derrick, ladies and gentlemen You know how they say that some of the best Funniest, most successful comedians When you get to know them in private They very often turn out to be these Unfunny, miserable, lonely, suicidal douchebags. So I thought, maybe I should give it a go. And people don't realize sometimes how much work actually goes into being a stand-up comedian. Virtually none. I mean, all it is is really you try to come up with the funniest funniest stupidest thing that makes you the angriest in the world

which for most comedians turns out to be their genitals not in my case there's all kinds of things that can make you angry I know what you're thinking so Luke so what is it that makes you so angry where does your stand-up therapy I mean comedy comes from well I could tell you but that's really none of your baldness.

Do I still have time left? That's it. That's a minute. Luke Derrick. Hell yeah. Welcome to the show, Luke. Thank you. Where are you from? You have a little bit of an accent. I do. I'm from Belgium. Belgium.

Hell yeah. You said we come from all around the world, so I'm from Belgium. I'm a little bit annoyed because accent. I do. I'm from Belgium. Belgium. Hell yeah. You said we come from all around the world, so I'm from Belgium. I'm a little bit annoyed because I listened to somebody's bit earlier and she was going on about Belgium and it wasn't very good.

Oh, that was in a different room? Different show? Yeah, it was like the first hour. Oh, okay. What did she say about Belgium that made you mad? That we're all genocidal

and it's really only some of us. I mean, that's a gross generalization. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two months. Two months? Yeah. Look at that. Oh, wow.

How long have you been here in America? Two months. Two months. Wow. I came specifically this winter to give stand-up comedy a try. Pulling a double, I get it. How long have you been making waffles? How long have I been what?

God. Making waffles. You needed some time to think of something Belgian, didn't you? Wow, everybody's taking shots at the band now. I don't know what's happening. You better watch it. Actually, I didn't know where that was coming from. Do you speak Flemish or French?

I speak Flemish. Beautiful language. Yes. And by the way, beautiful people there. I speak Flemish. Beautiful language. Yes. And by the way, beautiful people there. I love Belgium. Yes, we are. And I love you. Thank you.

Just wanted to give them a different side of us. What are some things you did for a living when you were back in Belgium? Well, I actually don't really live in Belgium, but for a living I work on cruise ships. Ah. Yeah. Yeah, what do you do on the cruise, but for a living I work on cruise ships. Ah. Yeah. Yeah, what do you do on the cruise ships? I'm the host and the cruise director. Wow, that's a pretty big deal.

What kind of cruises? Well, it's not ocean cruises, though. It's river cruises. So these are not floating cities, okay? So it's not like 4,000 people. But it's still, you know, it's 200 passengers. Like in a canoe? They are river cruisers.

It's like a canoe, yeah. It is a big deal, but not as big as you might think. How many people are on the ship? It's about 200-something, yeah. I know a guy that does swamp cruises. Crazy business. There's 200 people in this room right now. Well, exactly.

So it would be like managing a group like that or arranging. We have a guy who has Down syndrome managing this room right now. Yeah, well, that could have been me. What would you say to these people if we were on the deck of your ship right now and you're the cruise director,

you have a microphone in your hand. Well, ship is, Don't say ship. Why? It's smaller than a ship. Exactly. We don't call it a ship. What do you call it? A boat? It's a boat, except when the captain's around. And then what do you call it?

Then we call it a ship. You should open with that. So if this was a ship, and I would basically be telling you we're in Nuremberg tomorrow, and then I'll have 15 minutes to tell you about Nuremberg and make it interesting or entertaining or funny, except when it's actually Nuremberg because there's nothing funny about Nuremberg.

What's the saddest thing you've ever seen happen on a cruise ship? The saddest thing? I've had people die. Really? Really. That's comedy gold right there Did you do your act?

No, no, no You see, I've only been doing this for two months Doing a great job Wow Is it considered your fault? No, no, no, I'm the cruise director I'm not in charge of killing the people Yeah

How did they die, the people. Yeah. How did they die, the people on your boat? Well, you know, people are generally old when they arrive. People going on river cruises, they're generally like 70, 80 years old. Right. When they arrive, how long are these cruises? You say it's like a sad thing. It's not really a sad thing.

That's the way to go, I say. Would you paint me like one of your Belgium whores? Say what? Let's see if you can think of a third thing from Belgium. You do have the accent of a guy that is into very, very, very kinky shit in the bedroom. What's the craziest thing you've ever done

or had done to you sexually? And how much black, shiny leather was involved? Oh, right. I can't think of the top of my head of something, even though I had lots of time to come up with something. Because I know that question comes up all the time.

No, I'm pretty boring, I'm afraid. Yeah. I even said that boringly. Boring. Have you ever had a finger in your butt? Say what? You heard me. No, I did not hear you. I said, have you ever had a finger in your butt?

Oh, yeah, my own. Fuck, yeah. That butthole puts the tight in Titanic. So stupid. Yeah, I just identified the music as well. When you put your finger in there, did you say, I'll never let go, Jack? All right.

He said, all aboard. What do you do for work now that you're here in Los Angeles? Well, nothing. I'm just here specifically to try stand-up. And during the day, I just concentrate on getting fatter. And then in a couple of weeks, I'll go back to Europe. And then the season starts again. I have to start working again.

Oh, so you have like a break. So you said, I'm going to go to LA. Yeah, so I'm basically hibernating here. Because there's snow and cold in Europe right now. Right. And so you get, how long have you worked on the river? About, I guess, 10 years now. What are some things that you've done since visiting Los Angeles that have been some highlights of your trip? On this trip?

Yeah. Well, I've been coming to a lot of open mics and been coming to this a few times. The funniest thing I've seen while I was here was I actually went to watch The Room. Have you heard of this? Yeah. So I went to one of those screenings

because the other movie came out about it and that was like the funniest thing I've ever seen. So good. It was a funny movie, unintentionally funny, but then the whole vibe and the reactions of people. I knew about it and I've been wanting to do that was a funny movie. Unintentionally funny, but then the whole vibe and the reactions of people. I knew about it and I've been wanting to do that for a few years. I don't know why, but your happiness

just made me sad. I don't know what happened there. It means that you don't like me. No, I like you though. To be honest with you, you could have punched me in the face and I would like you more than the last guy. I hate that guy so fucking much. That's so funny because I was thinking of doing that.

Yeah, you should. You ever scare anybody? You seem like the kind of guy that likes to stand around corners and be like, boo! You know what I mean? I seem like the guy that stands around corners and does boo. Yeah, something like that.

Joel Burke, can you translate that into Flemish? No. You got me all wrong. That's not something I enjoy. You don't ever scare people. How about for Halloween? Unintentionally, probably. Do you dress up for Halloween ever? No. We don't really do Halloween.

What's your favorite holiday in Belgium that only the Belgians have? Only the Belgians? Belgium Day. Well, we have St. Nicholas, which is kind of Belgian. No, there's no such thing as Belgian Day. No, what are you guys saying? I was kidding.

Well, we have St. Nicholas. Some dumb holiday where they put chocolate in your shoes in the morning. Well, that's pretty close. I was going to say St. Nicholas. Are you Belgian or fucking autistic? I can't tell you. Do you guys do weird shit for Christmas? Is that true?

Like you guys seem like you do, right? Like chocolate in shoes and stuff like that? Yeah, well, we do that for St. Nicholas. You put chocolate in the shoes? St. Nicholas is the saint with the white beard and the red robes. Yeah, Santa Claus, motherfucker, we know. St. Nicholas is his real name. Wait, do they actually put chocolate

in your shoes? If you put your shoes out, yeah, they might put chocolate in your shoes. I was making that up. That was the most Belgian thing I could think of. That's what Belgian people do. They just put chocolate in everything. So you do know about us. What's your favorite thing to eat chocolate out of?

A shoe, of course. See, I'm not so crazy about chocolate. I'm kind of a pretend Belgian. I'm like a traitor Belgian. I don't like beer either. He's talking about black people. So what's the most Belgium thing about you, though? That I speak Flemish.

Can you give us a little taste of your Flemish? Boy, that sounds dirty, right? Can you let me taste your Flemish? Boy, that sounds dirty, right? Can you let me taste your Flemish? Let me get some tissue. Can you say something like, well, you know, like something that you would say on the riverboat that just sounds normal, like a welcome to the riverboat, I'm your captain, tour guide guy, like whatever you would say.

When I do the river cruises, it's in English, though, as well. Oh, all right. So it's for American guests. Then say something in Flemish that's like a sentence. Okay, well, it's going to sound very much like English, though. Welcome on board. That's welcome on board in Dutch. He meant something longer, perhaps.

Yeah, longer. In Flemish. Give me a sentence. Say, hey, do you want to watch me put my finger in my butt? Okay. Red band. Red band. Okay.

That was that. What am I watching? A Mucinex commercial? What's going on here? Oh, man. I was actually hoping to show this to my friends at home, but that changed my mind. Oh, no. You've got to show that. Let me I have a question? I was actually hoping to show this to my friends at home, but that changed my mind. Oh, no, you've got to show them.

Let me ask you a question. Because you came here, and I'm assuming you wanted to try stand-up for a while, right? Well, I wanted to see if it's something I could do, yes. So you came here, you were pretty funny. I've got to be honest with you, there were people that were doing it for years up here that weren't as good as you.

I think you did a pretty good job. Are you now in love with it? Is it now something you're considering doing and maybe moving here full-time or moving to New York? I'm sort of torn. Well, yeah, I know. You finger your ass. We know that. But what about the question? Just a few days ago, I was actually kind of bored

with it and I was thinking of going back home early. And then I thought, well, I haven't done this yet. So I better come and... I think you fingered your ass. When you say thought, well, I haven't done this yet. So I better come and... I think you fingered your ass. When you say this, you mean like the Comedy Store or this show specifically? This show specifically. Have you listened to us

before over in Belgium? No, no, no. I hadn't heard of it before I came here. You heard about it when you came here. I love this guy laughs like I'm going to be insulted. Like, oh, you don't listen to every episode in Belgium? I'm a dick. Fucking asshole. It is the number one podcast in the world.

Thank you, Liz. Son of a bitch. I mean, the open mic world can totally get you jaded, man. It sucks going up in front of mostly just comics over and over again. Where'd you perform the other night that made you depressed and want to go home early like a little bitch? I wasn't depressed. Where did I go? I did The Laugh Factory.

I've been doing this ten years. That happens to me every time I perform at The Laugh Factory. Shots fired. A little joke for the comedians out there. Alright, Luke, Derek. There he goes, everybody. All the way from Belgium, everyone. Come on, make some noise for the comedians out there. Alright. Luke, Derek. There he goes, everybody. All the way from Belgium, everyone. Come on. Make some noise for the guy.

He's taking that energy back home with him. To Belgium. Waffle Fest. That's Kill Tony. We did it. You made it all the way through. Look at that drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. The great Dom Ivera,

Louis J. Gomez. That's a full-out painting. The hell is that, Ryan? Full color and everything. Me, Red Van, powerful Ryan J. E. Belt. Freakish work. All of his work's available at ryanjebelt.com, including the book. Kill Tony the book,

Kill Tony the poster, and the prints from every single show. Guys, tell me what you got going on. Legion of Skanks, Gas Digital Network, what else? Check out all my podcasts. Make some noise for Louis J. Gomez. Yeah, I host four podcasts on the Gas Digital Network. Go to GomezComedy.com to see me live. I do stand-up all over the country, and that's that.

Dom Irera. I'll be at Size Splitters at Tampa where I kill Friday and Saturday this week. I love it. I'll be at the Tropicana in Atlantic City February 17th if you happen to be there. Come up to my room. I'm in the suite at the top.

You're a great crowd by the way. Thanks. I got Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, right? Philly? Is that what you call it? Philly? And Idaho and Sacramento coming up at TonyHinchcliffe.com and also

February 1st, 2nd and 3rd, guess who's coming with us to Texas? The band! How about that? Jeremiah, Pat Reagan, Joel Jimenez. What else is going on, guys? Thursday, January 18th You can see me headlining U31 Bar

In San Diego so come on out to that And then the weight gain champion shirts Are in at jeremiahwatkins.tv Slash shop so go get those Get yourself an XXL In honor of Jeremiah I'll also be at Just start plugging shit In. I'll also be at... Yeah.

Just start plugging shit. In June, I'll be in Providence, Rhode Island, if you happen to be there in June. It's a great plug. Five minutes later, everybody's fucking sleeping. I'll be at the main point in Atlantic City. I'm kidding, guys. I thought you really were.

I am going to be in Providence in June. Oh, no, I am, really. Oh, okay, me too. Where else? You have to leave something behind the couch for me. You got it, babe. Thank you, brother. Oh, yeah, listen to my new podcast, Jeremiah Wonders.

Yeah, I was on it, Red Band was on it, Patty Reagan. What do you got for us this week? Nothing. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez is mostly sorry on all social media. What else, Joel? Still looking for drum stuff in Dallas. Yeah. That's it.

Hit me up. I love you guys. If you have a drum set in Dallas or you're friends with somebody in a drum set in Dallas, have them hit up Joel Berg and come see Kill Tony if you donate drums on us. How about that? With three friends, right? What? With three friends. Huh? With about that? With three friends, right? What? With three friends. Huh?

With three friends. With three friends, yes. You have four tickets. Bring three friends. You give them one ticket, you cheap bastard. I'm not just giving away one ticket. I'm just going to give a plus one. But if you still want to say three friends, sure.

Bring your whole fucking family. So Puerto Rican of Luis J. Gomez to invite everybody. Hey. But no, seriously, though, I can't tell you guys how excited I am that the entire band is coming with us, not just for those Kill Tonys in Houston and Dallas, but also for five total stand-up shows in

those cities. So that's going to be so fucking much fun. I'm excited about that. Red Band's going to be there, too. Tony, this Sunday we're having a huge Death Squad show here in the main room. We got Jeff Dye, Jeremy Piven from Entourage. Tony's here. John Henson.

A bunch of people. The Smash Brothers. That's this Sunday, 8 to 30. That's right. Business is a-boomin'. And if you have your own business, start a new website with Squarespace and hire people with ZipRecruiter. Yep. This has been Kill Tony live from the main room.

Live audience, thank you. We love you. Thank you. We'll see you out on the front patio or something like that. We'll be hanging out. Have a good night. I got a real good feeling about old Jimmy Wilson. Short Nugget's got what it takes. Do another number for me, please, won't you, Jimmy?

Because you're a real good dancer. Oh, yeah. Tell me now. I'm waving my dick in the wind I'm waving my dick in the wind If it all goes right I'll be in your arms tonight But I'm waving my dick in the wind Waving my dick in the wind. Waving my dick in the wind. I'm waving my dick in the wind. Thank you. Thank you.