KILL TONY - KILL TONY #248 (HOUSTON)

Episode Date: February 6, 2018

Pat Regan, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 02/01/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Order up for Damien. Hey, how did your doctor's appointment go, by the way? Did you ask about Rebelsis? Actually, I'm seeing my doctor later today. Did you say Rebelsis?

My dad's been talking about Rebelsis. Rebelsis? Really? Yeah, he says it's a pill that... That's right. Did you know it's also covered by most private insurance plans? Well, I'll definitely be asking my doctor if Rebelsis is right for me.

Rebelsis. Ask your doctor or visit Rebelsis.ca. Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony live from Houston at The Secret Group.

If you want to go see us live, we perform Kill Tony every Monday at the world-famous comedy store in Los Angeles. And we're all over the place. Just go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates to find out where we're at next. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has a website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. And he's going to be all over the place, too. He's going to be in Boise, Idaho, Sacramento. And then we're taking Kill Tony to Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona, April 5th, followed by a bunch of shows at the Tempe Improv April 6th through the 8th.

Go to DeathSquad.tv, click on Tickets, or go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, has a website. He sells the Kill Tony book. He also has a bunch of posters and stuff for sale. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We have a bunch of Death Squad shirts, a couple Kill Tony shirts left, some hats, mugs. Just go to ShopSquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you from the secret group in Houston, Texas. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you from the secret group in Houston, Texas. Give it up for Tony Hedgecliffe. Fuck yeah. Hello, Houston. Make some noise. Come on.

Here we are. Who has more fun than us on a Thursday night? Nobody. Brian Red Band's here. What is up, Texas? On the ones and twos and everything good in the world. It's good to be back here. I believe this is our, what, fourth time doing a Kill Tony here? And you guys are more than, that's more than San Diego.

That's more than everywhere. Our own state. Other than our home in Los Angeles. We love you. You love us. Keep it going. We love you. You love us. Yeah. Keep it going. Hug them horns.

We're going to a bunch of other crazy places with Kill Tony coming up. Some fun places. Phoenix. Dallas this weekend. Yeah, Dallas. You guys want a double dip. Oh, shit. Whoa.

Some people are angry that we perform other places. Wow. Way to be a good fan. Hey, man. Way to really support us. Dude, make a living off coming here twice a good fan. Hey, man. Way to really support us. Dude, make a living off coming here twice a year. Fuck yeah, dude. It's a bunch of fake-ass bitches

in Dallas, though, right? Don't say that. They're listening. We just had 30 tickets returned. Good luck with returning those. Guess what, Houston? We love you so much. We're also doing an entire huge stand-up comedy show tonight.

Right after. How about that? After this. So if you don't already have your tickets for that. Yeah, if you have tickets to that show also, we have to have everyone leave and then come back in, though, because they have to clean the place. But if you haven't got tickets.

Let's face it. If you guys could see two shows for the price of one, you would. Right. You shady bastards. Yeah. I would, too. Yeah. I'd figure out a way.

I'd just stay in the restroom or something like that. There's going to be, like, five Kill Tony fans huddled in the men's room stall. Just stay here. Yeah. And we're performing stand-up on that show. Have a bunch of fun stuff. And go on other places, too. That's all at TonyHinchcliffe.com and DeathSquad.TV.

But let's do this, shall we? Let's do it. Youngblood, can you grab the Houston bucket of destiny, please? Oh, yeah. I never got the names of the people that have signed up. A bunch of human beings certainly signed up. And here it comes right now. Look at this. Destiny will decide our show this evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This is a nice glass one, too. Last time was like a pickle jar or something. Remember that? Yeah, this is fancy. This is clearly from the dinner table of like one of the bushes or something like that. Marriott face. A real Houston treat. So let's just jump right into it, shall we? Our guest tonight, how many of you are real Kill Tony fans out there? Sort of can't believe that we're even here all doing this right now.

But this is such a special show for us. We are going, as far as this table concerns, guestless tonight. Because in exchange for that, we decided to give you and bring out even though it was not in our budget the entire real authentic the best damn band in the land the Kill Tony Band

with Pat Reagan Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg Joel Jimenez. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.

Holy shit. What? Oh, yeah. I forgot to mention they do characters every episode. And I guess, wait a second. Are you guys baseball fans?

Big fans. Can't wait for the Super Bowl to be over. Wow. That fit on that carry-on, didn't it? Wow. Baseball fans. That's incredible. We got a Yankee fan, a Kansas City Royal, and a Mexican kid on drums.

Pretty pumped about this. Jeremiah, you've been here in Houston with us before, right? Last time? This is my third time here in Houston at the Secret Group. Wow. I love that. Love you guys. Patty Reagan, welcome.

And Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez is here, ladies and gentlemen. He can unleash the beast at any given moment. We've seen it a thousand times before. I'm excited. Should we just jump right into this bad motherfucker? You know how it works, people. Some people signed up earlier. Some people are scared.

The people that signed up, I can pull their name out of a bucket and they get an uninterrupted 60 seconds performing stand-up or anything that they want. I mean, let's face it. We've seen the show. Sometimes it's not stand-up at all. Sometimes somebody's just having a half a meltdown right in front of us.

You should scoot over a little. You have this whole table. Okay, fine. Thank you. I'm very happy. You just grazed my dick with your hand. There is a lot of room here. Sometimes they need to bump you, though, to make sure you're not doing anything retarded.

All right, then. So if I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Fuck. When you hear the sound of a kitty. Fuck. When you hear the sound of a kitten.

I think you're going to have to turn your thing up more. Okay. Alright, I get it. There you go. Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redband, Houston, Texas. Are you ready to do this motherfucking thing? This is Kill Tony.

It's only 148. Perhaps I'm wrong about that. But live from Houston, Texas. I pulled the name out of the bucket. I believe we've seen this guy before. This might not be that one guy. Is that that one guy? I don't know. It might be. We'll figure it out afterwards. Put your hands together, and uninterrupted 60 seconds is going to Victor Tran. Here he comes.

Victor Tran, ladies and gentlemen. All right, cool. Is this on? This isn't on, is it? Oh, yeah, it is on. All right, fine. Hey, good to be here. Nice to get out of the house, you know, especially when you live with your parents still.

It's nice to get out, you know. My dad, I know I've been, I'm too old to live at home because my dad's been trying to get cool with me. He calls me bro now, right? Every time I see him, it's like that. I'm like, Dad, you impregnated my mom three times, all right? Bros don't do that, usually. So, yeah, I'll never forgive you, I don't think. I don't know. I'm getting too old. I got to move out. I don't know when the right age is anymore, you know? I think

the right age to move out is just whenever you start to go bald. That's a good age, you know? If your dad can see your scalp, it's time to move out, all right? It's the baldness rule, you know? That's a good rule. The baldness rule works. What it does is it explains why each race stays at home for the length that they do. Asians and Hispanics, we hold on to our hair, so we just stay at home for forever.

White people, they move out at 18. Victor Trant. By the way, a little fun fact, since he was talking about it, for those of you that are losing your hair, 4hymns.com has an amazing program. 4hymns.com. Use the slash kill and save 10%. Victor Tran, you're an interesting little creature.

Let me tell you something. You're like the Asian version of a Stuart Little or something like that. There's something adorable and mousy about you, and I can't quite put my finger on it. He looks like the only person still playing Pokemon Go. He looks like he still lives with his parents but his parents don't know he still lives in the house. He found a crawl

space or something like that. He has everything well folded and organized. You know what I mean? Let him know I'm there. Victor Tran. Well, how old are you? I'm 24. 24?

Oh, that's Cy Young. Baseball fan joke number one, I do believe that was. Look how. Count it. I'm interested to see how many baseball fan jokes they're going to be able to squeeze up. That is the last one I have. So you're 24. That is the last one I have. You're 24.

Your parents are probably a little bit strict, right? They both Asian? Yeah, they're both Asian. Oh, a double. Are they both the same kind of Asian? No. My dad's from Vietnam. My mom's Filipino.

Wait, what? I think you're way off on that one. Wow. That was like racist, but not racist because you missed the mark completely. That's the whole joke, man. That was the whole joke. Victor, you're getting it. You're in it, Victor.

You're in it to win it. So you're 24. What do your parents do for work? it, Victor. You're in it to win it. So you're 24. What do your parents do for work? Ah, jeez. My dad makes glasses. No. That's not the right one either. Dude, I am rock hard right now.

Hell yeah. My mom, ah, jeez. This is going to confirm every stereotype. My mom, this is going to confirm every stereotype, my mom cuts hair. Wow. That makes even less sense than anything. I mean, basically could have switched things around.

All right, anyway. So your mom cuts hair. Yeah. Your dad... Cuts glasses. Cuts glass for glasses. For any company in particular? Welcome to our Enso craft here. No, I'm just kidding.

I didn't mean to do that. That's wrong. It's wrong. I know that it makes people laugh, but it's not right to do that. It is racist to do that. I'm a straight white male. I have everything going for me. And there I go. But I can do that.

All right, forget it. So what's the biggest threat that they've given you? Do they want you out or they sort of like love you? You're their little... No, no, they like me there. They keep me as long as they can. What kind of... Do you do chores and stuff around the house?

I guess. I'm not there most of the time. Usually I'm just doing open mics and shit. How long have you been doing stand-up for? Four or five years. Four or five years. So you've been bringing dishonor to your family for four or five years?

That's not wrong, yeah. Has your dad ever tried to stab himself in the chest with a samurai sword in disappointment? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he has. Oh. Yes. Oh. Wow. Does your dad ever hint to you stuff like to get your life

together but he can't help but to use glasses references? Like, I wish you would see things through my lens. You know what I mean? Grass is always greener when you not wear the right grasses when he gets mad does he say no more Mr. Rice Guy

oh jeez wow does your mom cut your hair yeah she's obviously not wearing the glasses your dad's fucking making You son of a bitch There it is There's one for Jolber

Jesus fucking Christ Who said that? Alright So Victor, what's your love life like? You getting any of that sweet, sweet, sweet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My girlfriend's back there in the back. Oh, I think she just slipped being uncomfortable for you calling her out like that.

How long have you guys been dating? Like a year. A year? Yeah, it's past a year. Wow. What ethnicity is she? She's Hispanic. Whoa, look at that.

I love that. Asians and Hispanics always get along because they can always agree on rice. Yeah. I've made that joke on this show before, but oh well. What's the most exciting thing about you, do you think? You seem like you have a wild heart Deep deep deep I live with my parents in an Asian household

Exterior No Outside of stand up I did stand up to become interesting And I'm still like Jeremiah How long have you owned stock in Old Navy Have you ever hidden a camera In a toilet Jeremiah. How long have you owned stock in Old Navy?

Have you ever hidden a camera in a toilet? Hidden a camera in a toilet? Red band. He's been... All right, forget it. I was going to make an Old Navy Pearl Harbor joke, but it's too far of a reach. There's too many words to get there, so I just sum it up by

telling you what I was going to do. It worked. You guys are a great crowd. So how many times a week do you go up? Do you go up a lot? Yeah, like what? I mean, it's hard down here but maybe like four or five times a week. Yeah, you can tell. You seem like you have it, man. You were really smooth.

Oh man, I wanted to finish that last joke. No, no, no. You were really smooth. Oh, man, I wanted to finish that last joke. No, you didn't want to. This Latina girlfriend that you have, have you had sex with other girls before her? Do you have anything? Just the one. Just the one, huh?

Wow, what was that pause for? Huh? I didn't know. I didn't hear what you said. All right, yeah. Just the one, huh? Wow, what was that pause for? Huh? Huh? I didn't know, I didn't hear what you said Alright, yeah Alright, wait, wait, wait What's your favorite thing about having sex with your girlfriend? I get to talk about it on stage a lot. I tell all my friends about it.

It's probably the best thing. Nah, dude, you're supposed to say the pussy, dude. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Do you have any special tricks that you do in the bedroom that you think are yours and yours alone, but you're willing to share since you're on a big live cool show right now?

Any cool tricks? I'm pretty new to this shit, so... No, no cool tricks. You know, I put a camera in her bathroom sometimes. I put a camera in her... Wait, what? No, no. I knew it, I knew it. That is the most Asian thing I've ever heard of. I knew it.

That is the most Asian thing I've ever heard of. I knew it. I'd rather take a picture so much that I set the camera on a selfie ticket. Nest cams are waterproof and very small nowadays. You can just put it right underneath the lid. Ew, you're gross. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Victor.

I feel like I could talk to you forever, but we're going to keep moving through this thing. Awesome. You're four or five years in. That was a very funny set, man. Congratulations. You were able to get the party started in 60 seconds. Victor Tran, ladies and gentlemen.

There he goes. Oh, look at the lighting. Insanity. Baka. Victor Tran. Interesting last name in today's times. Are we allowed to call him Victor Tran? He's transgender. Isn't it interesting that his last name is Tran

and if you go to his parents, you could get your hair cut and glasses to look transgender? You get everything taken care of all in one household. Your hair, new glasses, and... Bucket. Foul ball! Woo-wee! Uh-oh.

This guy sounds like another baseball fan. Put your hands together for DJ Vasquez. Not sick. Oh, here he is. DJ Vasquez. All right. You guys know what BAS is or BA syndrome? My roommate suffers from it.

It's bitch ass syndrome. This dude just took all the bowls and spoons and just put them in his room. You know what it's like to eat cereal out of a cup with a butter knife? You can do it, but it's not nice. This dude just blasts 2 Chainz like at like 7 o'clock in the morning. And 2 Chainz says some dumb shit. 2 Chainz says, my dick's soclock in the morning and 2 Chainz says some dumb shit. 2 Chainz says, my dick's so hard it made the metal detector go off. I don't think it's a dick related issue,

2 Chainz. I think it might be the 2 Chainz. And why is your dick hard going through a metal detector? What are you just standing in the corner just going, doink, doink, doink? All right, guys, search me. What are you thinking? I listen to a lot of motivational speakers. It's 2018, trying to hit this shit raw. You know what I'm saying?

One of the motivational speakers I listen to goes, wake up at 3 a.m. and do something. So I woke up at 3 a.m., I jerked off, and I went to sleep. Fuck yeah, DJ Vasquez. DJ, that was a fun set. Sweet. Glad you liked it. Jeremiah?

Yeah, I'm just curious. How long have you been a bully at high school proms? I love this. I've never seen a guy dress like Jay-Z without having the swagger of Jay-Z at all. It's very impressive. Lazy over here. You knew when you were putting that vest on over that t-shirt what you were doing. It was fly. I look fly.

You're like, I like this t-shirt, but is there a ketchup stain on it that you had to put the vest on to cover or something? Tony, he was like, I'm going to put my vest foot forward. DJ, what ethnicity are you? Mexican. Mexican all the way? Yeah.

Hell yeah. Got your man right behind you here. What do you do for work? Work at HEB. What? That's a weird little grocery store, right? It is. It's not weird.

Jesus Christ. Houston, you guys are psychotic a little bit. Weird little shit. HEB, shut up! They like fighting with everything. Yeah, it's weird. They have so much pride. Yeah. If only HEB could get in the Super Bowl for you guys.

You know what I mean? No, stop it. I'm just kidding. DJ Vasquez, is your real name DJ, or do you just go by DJ because you look like one? No, my first name is David Eric, and I i'm a junior and it's just easy to just say dj so you took the david eric uh took the jay from junior and moved it all the way up through everything just slid it up like jay i got good news you're getting a huge fucking promotion

all the way up to the front you're all the way up all the, all the way up. And then you were like, fuck the E. Get the E out of here. It's one name, so it's like... You're like, Eric would never wear a vest over a t-shirt. I'm not David Eric. I'm DJ Vasquez. DJ Vasquez, 95.5. It works.

It works. I remember that when I moved to LA, it was always weird to me because I was listening to normal radio back then because I actually am, strangely enough, sort of that old. And one of the things about Mexican radio was that it was always like a big guy and a little guy

like arguing about shit. Like, I never knew what they were saying, but it's always like a big guy and a little guy. So DJ, what do you do at the HEB? You stocking only what up to the third shelf? Just frosted flakes. Well, uh... No, I work in the meat market, so I just...

Oh, yeah. What's up? I bet he did. Hey, what's up? Meat! I work in the meat market so I just I work at the meat market dude what's up I asked you for your job not your pickup line what do you do at the meat market other than unload the sausage I just cut steaks and that's pretty much it load the sausage. Just cut steaks and that's pretty much it.

Cut steaks and kick ass and I'm all out of steaks. You're not very invested in your job. Oh my. I stand by it. I don't care. No, I like it. Next time I think you should raise the stakes a little bit

oh my do you ever find like tumors and weird shit in like while you're cutting meat like stuff that you're not yeah you ever get cancer ridden cows at the H-E-B that these morons cheered for oh man I'm really

disappointed now there are some secrets. Like what? Oh, shit. I'm going to get my ass fired. Well, just don't eat the half-priced meats. Wait, wait, are you serious? Because I have a crock pot, and I go to the grocery store,

and whatever meat's like, hey, half off, buy it today. Don't eat that shit. All right, let's keep moving on with this whole thing. What happened here? I lost the... DJ, how long have you been doing stand-up? One and a half years.

One and a half years. Let me tell you something very, very funny. Very, very funny. Sometimes, though, we can all step on our own momentum. One and a half years. Let me tell you something very, very funny. Very, very funny. Sometimes, though, we can all step on our own momentum. You know what I mean? And you had that 2 Chainz thing absolutely rocking until you did the doing thing or whatever with the thing. You basically told everybody to shut the fuck up

because everybody was laughing. You had it through wise 2 Chainz, hard going through a metal detector. You had it all, and then you just sort of... Is doing a two chains lyric that I don't know about? Is it? Doing, doing? So what... It's a convenience store in La Porte.

You know how, like, if your dick is hard, you know, like that little, like, doing? That's what I was trying to simulate. Well, that did not translate at all. Note taken. Does it actually make that noise when you have a boner? Like, I've always heard that,

and I, you know, goof around about that and stuff, but it makes it seem like you actually have that sound effect. I do not. Or it sounds like you only get hard-watching cartoons. Ha ha ha! Grrr! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! so you work at the heb you've been doing stand-up for a year and a half what else do you do for fun guy like you i'm telling you dj you have charisma the vest the backwards hat from the 80s i love it so what else there's got to be more exciting. Do you have any fun hobbies or anything like that? Stand-up. I like to work out. What kind of working out do you do? Can you tell us some of the, like, what do you do? I run and then. What else?

Come on, what's, like, the most extreme thing you do in your workout? I don't do, like, anything extreme. Just, like, the normal, like, prison workouts that everyone... Getting fucked in the ass? All right. Not those... DJ. Not ass workouts.

Not those ass workouts. So I'm not really understanding what else you do other than working out. H, you'd be like, what else are you into? Are you a fan of something in particular? You have posters on your wall? No, I don't have any posters. I just got out of school for EMS. I just got my EMS certification.

Wait, you're going to be a paramedic? Well, EMT, and then you're a paramedic. So what do EMTs do that a paramedic can't do? You guys aren't allowed to mouth the mouth and shit? Oh, I do that shit. You do? No, you're not supposed to, because usually...

It's a tough interview. I've interviewed Nate Diaz before and it went better than this, by the way, buddy. I don't know if I'd want you over top of me when I regain consciousness. No, usually there's vomit coming out of their mouth so you don't want to be like all up in that.

Awesome. Have you ever had a girl that you've had to give mouth-to-mouth to and right before you do it, you feel a little something in your belly and all of a sudden you hear... No, not yet. girl that you've had to give mouth-to-mouth to, and right before you do it, you feel a little something in your belly, and all of a sudden you hear... No, not yet. Still waiting. What? When you give... Hey, over here.

And when you give mouth-to-mouth, it looks like you, like, suck that person's face off. You got some juicy lips. He really does. Wow. That's my player, Patty Rager, right there. Hey, that's why they call me the Jay-Z of comedy.

Is that true? Do they really? No, they do not. Hold on. This just in. Juicy lips are half off this week. You really do have gigantic lips. You get that from your mom or your dad, you think?

I'm going to say my dad. What does your dad do? He works for the States. I don't really know what he does. It sounds like your lips are sealed on that. No. How about your mom? What does your mom do?

She works at a retail store like TJ Maxx. But it's for food. It's called H-E-B. No. Have you ever done any DJing? You ever DJ at a party or anything like that? I was in middle school. I feel like this was last week,

but we'll go with the middle school thing. All right, DJ. Well, it was a fun time. It was. You know, be careful to just keep momentum with your set when you're doing it. And don't just cancel it out, you know, if they're laughing really hard. Thanks, man. We'll take your notes.

There you go. DJ Vasquez, everybody. DJ Vasquez. Lighting switch. It's a lighting switch. lighting switch it's a lighting switch this is what it would feel like if we were a TV show

instead of a live podcast with fancy lighting this is a thick piece of paper put your hands together for Zahid Doo here comes Zahid, ladies and gentlemen. Hello, hello.

My biological mom hates that I refer to her as my biological mom. And I think it's because I'm not adopted, so that kind of makes sense. I think it's commendable to adopt, I do. It's not commendable to refer to someone's kid as a rescue. I found that out, so watch out. It gets to you in a second. The other day I walked in on my parents having sex, and do you know how scarring it was

to see my brother already in the room? You guys don't fuck as a family? Okay. I like Asian women. That's weird. But yeah, all right, cool. Hell yeah. I can't watch Asian women in porn, though,

because it's too distracting. Because Asian women in porn sound like a toddler having a really bad dream. You know what I mean? The whole time it's like... So I was in Walmart the other day, and I heard a small Asian baby crying. I got super hard, y'all.

It's a real thing. I got hard. That's it. I got super hard, y'all. It's a real thing. I got hard. That's it. That's the thing. Thank you. Thank you. Saheed. Okay.

All right, Saheed. How do you feel about what just happened here, Saheed? Okay. I'll give it an okay. How do you say your last name again? Devji. W is like a V. I don't know why Okay. I'll give it an okay. How do you say your last name again? Devji. W is like a V. I don't know why Indian people do that.

Oh, okay. All right. Well, that was fun. Yeah. Did you have fun? Yeah, it was fun. Taking a break from playing a doctor on some NBC sitcom show. It's very exciting.

Zahid, I've asked everybody this Because everybody's some kind of brown or Asian I'm going to keep it going here What are you? What are you again? We're Indian, but my family's from Tanzania Like East Africa It's Brian right there So Tanzania

What are they known for? You ever been there? I've never known. I grew up in New York, so no. I was a first-year. You didn't go back to India either? No. What does your dad do?

He does NGO work overseas. What's NGO? Like a non-government organization. It's boring. It's helpful charity stuff. Not like the bread? Just checking. My dad works for PETA.

Flat bread advocate. Nice. See, her mom is Tanzanian. What's that? Is she hot? My mom was... You think your mom's hot I've had friends tell me that

which is weird don't tell me that just hold it in but I guess yeah there's no correct way of answering this question hey I got something to tell you oh yeah your mom's hot fuck dude she's a nice lady or whatever

hey let me try that again. I got something to tell you. Wait, I'll take out that line. I'm going to take out the first I got something to tell you line. All right, so, hey, your mom's hot. So, does she have a nice dugout, or what? Ha, ha, ha. Hell, ha. Hell yeah.

After his dad's been there, I'm sure it's got a lot of sand and dirt. So, all right. Fuck you guys. You left me hanging there on a... It wasn't really developed. Ball? Ball, ball. Very good.

Okay, moving on. Zahid, do you have anything uh yeah what's the worst thing that you've ever done in your life like to someone else to hurt them in a bad bad way fuck that's a good one man oh like there is one i think about this all the time yeah i was i went to like a muslim summer camp when i was a kid uh-huh and there was this girl named leila that i was uh i think i've heard a song about this bitch. She was white and her... She was like mixed, like a lighter skin person.

And there was a white guy that came to the camp. When you would pray in front of... When you would pray your Muslim prayers in front of Layla, would you sometimes say, you've got me on my knees, Layla? I wouldn't, because they would get mad about that. Go on with your story. I cut you off, because I thought

that was hilarious. No. No, basically her dad came, and I said something along the lines of, I was like, oh, that white guy's here. Why is he supposed to be in this camp? She was like, that was my dad. It was like, when you're young

and you don't know it and you said something that was racist and I didn't realize it because I was seven and I didn't get it. So you think that's the worst thing you've ever done? No, I also one time I did cum in a lady's throat after I slashed it open. I think that was the worst one. Oh, I see. I see what you did there.

But I do think about the first one a lot more. I see what you did there. That I do think about the first one a lot more. I see what you did there. That was like a little improv thing. Alright, Zahid. Tony, Tony. I like that he came in her throat and slashed it, but he still called her a lady. That's called a ground roll double.

Thanks. So Zahid, how long have you been storing your shirts in fanny packs until you wear them? You always do that? You in the wrinkled business? I was late. I work here and I was late today wrinkled business? I was late. I work here and I was late today.

You work here? I work here. What do you do here? Are you the one that designed it like Tim Burton's Down Syndrome Child? That's good. His greatest foe. I do posters here and event building. Did you make any Kill Tony posters?

I made yours for this one. So I hope you like it. I haven't seen any of them. Steal some, they're in the back. Obviously, you're not in charge of marketing either. Yeah, I didn't even see it. You could have gave it to us so we could tweet it or something. Must be a small poster, huh?

Did you only make one? It's a post-it. He's coming later. Just go to the website. That's all it said in a small... All right. Yeah. All right.

So what is your thing? Are you Muslim? Is that a thing? Or what is it? I'm from Ohio. I don't even know what it means. I'm trying to figure it out, man. Really?

Yeah. What do you believe in right now? Are you on the side of the terrorists or us? I'm still trying to figure it out, like I said. I love that. What else? Should we just keep flying through it?

How many crockpots do you have? Wow. Good question. And backpacks and how much duct tape? And screws, and nails, and shit. I know what you guys like. Just enough for Ramadan. There it is. Another yes, Sam, from Zahid.

Thank you. Say your last name again. Devji. Zahid Devji. What? Zahid Devji. Devji? Devji, yeah. Thanks a lot, guys. My bum's going to blow up when he says hisji. Zahid Devji. What? Zahid Devji. Devji? Devji, yeah.

Devji, ladies. It feels like a bomb's going to blow up when he says his name. Zahid. Devji. Zahid. Devji. If you say it three times, you get a cab. Doesn't it seem like if you say his name three times, he'll blow up or something?

Jesus. You're out of there. Well, if you're a fan of this show, then you know sometimes I feel like when I pull a name out of here, I know that it's going to be interesting. Usually it is a one-word name, and we have a one-word name that has been pulled out of here, I know that it's going to be interesting. Usually it is a one-word name, and we have a one-word name that has been pulled out of the bucket. Put your hands together

for Zubaz. Zubaz. I'm not seeing any movement. Z-U-B-A-Z? Blacklisted. No, come on. I want to see this person so bad. No, he pushed out. He went to Dallas. He went home to... Okay, okay, relax.

What? Oh. Is this Zubaz? Fuck yeah. This guy's in the middle of a golf game right now. He has no idea where he's at. He's in between hole 7 and 8 at one point. Next thing, he's got a drink. Front row. He's in between hole seven and eight at one point. Next thing, he's got a drink.

Front row. He's like, I'll sit right here. Put your hands together for Derek Fields. Somebody find Zubaz. I gave my son an edible. At the airport. Let's just say that flight and layover was interesting. We was flying back to Texas from visiting his grandparents.

And when I get high, like the pregame, so when the quiz knows, got a sub, he was like, dad, can I get one too? I was like, cool. He knew he was going to be high. My nigga, right? So we get to the gate, about a 45-minute layover, get the gummy bears out. He was like, Dad, what are those? I was like, gummy bears? You don't like strawberry?

He was like, nigga, I like strawberry. I was like, wait a minute. I'm still your dad. Don't talk to me like that. So I gave him three. We board the plane. And you know when you fly your ears pop so he sit down right and we take off and he's like hey dad i feel real good i don't know why i'm about to eat the rest of this stuff i'm You were cut off, sir.

White woman gonna look at you. Derek Fields, ladies and gentlemen. I take it. Fuck yeah. I think everyone has gotten the West Hollywood bear. Yeah, everybody's pushing into the bear. I understand why. I don't listen to pussies.

Wait, what? Okay. Good job, man. How was your son? He's nine, but he was eight when that happened. So, wow, this really did happen. Yes. Ain't nobody got no phones and shit. I didn't do it.

He found it in my bag. Jesus Christ. Relax, relax. Don't bring Jesus into this. He has nothing to do with it. Have Christ. Relax, relax. Don't bring Jesus into this. He has nothing to do with it. Lord have mercy. Okay, guys, please, for the love of God. Derek, so you really did this.

You said that you were flying to Texas from your grandmother's, but where's that at? Oh, we was flying from North Carolina. We visit his grandparents twice a year. So that's what, like a three-hour flight? Yeah, a three, four-hour flight. We have a lay twice a year. So that's what, like a three-hour flight? Yeah, a three-, four-hour flight. We have a layover in Charlotte. Other than wanting to eat more of the sub and being loud, what else happened on that flight?

Did he sleep or did you or anything? Do you remember anything else? Yeah, I do. We were, after he ate it, it was about maybe 15, 20 minutes in, he started playing hacky sack. But he had no hacky sack. And then I was like, wait a minute. Niggas don't play hacky sack.

Where the fuck he learn this shit at? So I'm fucking up my own high watching him do this shit. So I just couldn't get to it because I had a minute. Fuck yeah. It's true. Mostly Cracker Jacks play hacky sack. There's nothing wrong with it.

White people got great games when y'all get fucked up. Great games. Great games. And great drugs. Oh my God. Has he done any more since? Is this a thing now that he's doing? No, he didn't even know. He was just having a good time, munching.

You weren't worried at all about him just having a panic attack? Just being like, I think I'm dying. My heart feels weird. All that shit. Because that's what would have happened to me if you gave me three of those gummy bears on a flight. I got insurance. Hopefully he doesn't... Hopefully...

Hopefully he doesn't move on. I'm over here. Thank you. Hopefully he doesn't move on to harder stuff like edible panties. Because that'd be fucked up. I have a question. What was it like working with Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side? That's my assistant coach, Patty Rager,

right there. Derek, you said you have insurance. I'll hang it right there. Derek. You said you have insurance. Derek, what is it that you do for a living? What do you do for work? He's the Allstate guy. You're a good hand.

Is he really? Is that really who he is? I feel like this is... Lawrence Fishburne? Is that better? I thought this was Leslie Jones this entire time doing a pop-in from... He looks like Lawrence Fishburne

if he ate all the pills. It's not nigga jokes. This is a lot of nigga jokes. Now, don't... Oh, now. He been... He been doing that shit all night, nigga jokes.

You're literally stroking your titties while you're... I am. I am. That Leslie Jones shit got me fucked up. It is not those kinds of jokes. It is not. That is not what is happening here. Nah, this is fun. This is great.

Thank you, Tracy Morgan Freeman. That ain't funny. Whatever. So what do you do for a living, Derek? Comedy. All right. You can tell, man. You're really funny.

You are really, really funny. You make a living doing it here in Houston? Dallas and Austin and I'm trying to make my way around in Houston a little bit more. Very cool. How long have you been doing it? Five years.

Five years. You still with the baby mama? Why are you asking? Why those particular... Why are you phrasing? If you didn't look the way you looked, if you're wondering, I would have said, are you still with the...

Child's mother? Yes. Nigga jokes! It's not. That was not a joke. Are you still... No, it is. It's based on truth.

It would be a joke if you said yes i'm still with the baby mama no it's because you feed weed to a nine-year-old son that's why has nothing to do with anything else but the kid's nine years old he's still drooling he know he's good he makes a a b honor roll uh it, man. That may have been. Brian and I were talking about how on one flight we once saw graffiti on a Spirit Airlines tray table made by a crayon. And I wonder how something like that would happen until I find out there's nine-year-olds being fed edibles on the beginning trip of a flight. Now it's all starting to make sense. No, not Rain. Rain has discipline. He has home training.

Wait a minute. Your kid's name is Rain? R-A-Y-N-E. Wow. Of course. No, I knew that. I'm trying to help you out. I'm just trying to help you out. Just in case. You can't get on my kid now. If you want to go, I am a professional.

Wow. What the fuck just happened? Derek. Derek holds his poses like a professional wrestler when he's done. That's my shit, though. I do like professional wrestling. I do like professional wrestling. All right.

See when I'm on your man. Do you ever go out to the West Coast or East Coast and do comedy? Or do you ever go on the road? Because you should. I mean, like, it's very funny, man. I go to New York. Well, I'm going to New York in September for a month and just run it. Just exhaust myself and just get it.

By the looks of your body, I don't think it would be that hard to exhaust yourself. It's gotten better. It's gotten better. I don't think it'd be that hard to exhaust yourself. It's gotten better. It's gotten better. I can still get it. Have you had any... I can still dip it. My stroke game's still good. Have you had any...

Just say it's shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. That back dab is good in the Shit. I like y'all. Wow. I don't know what the fuck just happened. We went from H-E-B to B-E-T real quick. Okay, that's enough.

You made him think he was done. The lighting guy got so turnt up that... Perfect. Dude. We'll keep it moving along. I got no problem with that. Tony, I can't believe he just walked him like that. No, he did enough work up here.

That was like ten minutes of slave or something like that. All right, I guess I'll go to a more liberal city with Kill Tony next time, you pieces of shit. Too soon for a ten years of slave joke? Really? I guess I'm going to have to put that Abraham Lincoln joke I had back in my repertoire. All right, this guy filled out, taking in the old ways of hits like Ichabod and Aphrodite. This man signed up with a Sharpie.

Put your hands together for Ben Obrin-Rakhan. Oh, Ben, Ben, Ben Rakhan. Ben Raker. Here he is Holy shit Fuck yeah Put your hands together for Ben Hey guys

How are y'all doing tonight? My name is Ben I apologize about my voice It's that time of year You know Blowjob season Shit Honestly though shit.

Honestly, though, there really should be a blowjob season. You know, I think, I like that answer. I like that answer. I think that it would kind of come between, yeah. Was that Aphrodite? It would come after winter but before spring to where, you know, your girl can work off that, you know, coat she put on during the winter. Hey, hey, I'm allowed to fat shame because I'm shamefully fat. Okay. You know, I've been in the pantry at my house eating my kids snacks, crying, tears running down my eyes. And my wife's walked in on me in the toilet eating Doritos,

and I wouldn't even go into the bathroom. That is what shameful looks like. Thank you. Ben. Fuck yeah. Yes, sir. Look at you, you big fucking baby, you. Big boy. Are you not the most adorable fucking you, you big fucking baby, you. Big boy.

Are you not the most adorable fucking thing I've ever seen? Thank you. I've never seen somebody look like a five-year-old and a 50-year-old at the same damn time. Like, you are incredible. The range of characters you could play. Definitely. Thank you. You sort of remind me of the, remember the movie Nothing But Trouble? those twins that watched over the junkyard played by John Candy.

Deep reference, but you need to look it up. I've seen the movie. Did you say candy? You might think you're looking in a mirror. What did you say? I said, did you say candy? Oh, okay. You get it.

Ben, you were really eating Doritos on the toilet? Yes. And you weren't going to the bathroom. Does that mean that you had your pants still pulled down to make it look like you were going to the bathroom? Yes. Wow. And was it a big bag of Doritos or just one of those little ones? No, it was a little snack size.

The kids were taking their lunch. How long does it take you to eat one of those? Five seconds, ten seconds. I feel like you would just crush it up and snort it. If I did, it wouldn't hit here. It's a good idea. What are some more of your foods of

choice? All the healthy ones. Did I just have a stroke? What are some more foods of choice? Is that right? Yeah. Tony, wake up. Tony, wake up. Tony, wake up. Anything with gravy. How's that?

Anything with gravy. Including. Southern food. Do what? I said including. Man. No. No.

How long? Did you see? You said you have a wife? Yes. How long have you been married? July will be 14 years. How flat is she? You must.

You must. I don't see one. So you must wear the ring on what, your stomach? No, look, you can see how it's almost like it broke my hand. I had to take it off. Oh, shit. Your finger got so fat that it was like life or death. Yeah, I got perma-ring. How did they take it off?

No, I got it off. I just didn't want to put it back on. Oh, you just sucked it off. I see. I put some, let him eat some chicken. just didn't want to put it back on. Oh, you just sucked it off. I see. I put some... Butter. Let him eat some chicken. Butter.

Gravy. Gravy, yes, yes. You have any kids, Ben? Two boys. Two boys. How old are they? Eight and almost ten. And when's the next one due?

Tonight, maybe. I hope. I wish. I wish tonight. No, no more, no more. No more. Tony. No more. No more. Tony, didn't your first joke, did anybody else think,

it made me think that you were gay? Yeah, we all thought you were sucking dicks and shit. I loved that joke. I loved that joke. I would suck that joke to death. I figured you guys would thought I would say flu season, but it sounds like I'm dry from, you know. And then you look like the gay dude

from Modern Family. So I tied those together. I tied those together. That was the gravy. I didn't hear you. What guy from Modern Family? The gay dude? Oh, the old man? What? No, he said you look like Sofia Vergara.

Yeah. Voluptuous. Ben, I cannot wait to find out what kind of cars you sell for a living. Not cars. Houses. Houses. Real estate. I'm in real estate.

Real estate? Yes, sir. Wow. Goddamn. Where's my boy? Where's my real estate agent at? No, he's my lender. That's my lender right there. Really? Yes, sir. Wow. God damn. Where's my boy? Where's my real estate agent at? No, he's my lender. That's my lender right there.

Really? Yes, sir. Fuck yeah. What's the company? I can't say. I'll get fired. Oh, okay. Is these like nice houses?

Are you flipping it? We're doing flips. We're doing new builds. Nice. Gentrification. Flipper upper. Yeah. Hopefully you're reinforcing the second floor while you're up there.

I do the counting, the book work. What? I do the counting, the book work. Here in Houston, what is the average cost for a really nice four-bedroom house in a nice area? It depends. I mean, I live out in the suburbs. I live out in a place called Katy. Katy, anybody?

Katy, Texas? Yeah. But you said you just do the accounting, right? So you're just, right? Yeah, but I mean, like, my house is like $100 a square foot. In town, you're paying $300, $200, $300 a square foot. Speaking of a square foot, have you been diagnosed by your doctors with anything other than morbid, morbid obesity? He tells me to quit the carbs.

Wait, what carbs? Give us some more. Because clearly, not that many carbs in gravy, right? Am I wrong? It's all carbs. It's flour and oil. Oh, okay, yeah. That makes sense, yeah.

What's wrong with his feet? Nothing. That was a joke. He's Spongebob his feet nothing that was a joke about like diabetes and shit like it's just sort of like a picture it's from driving his car right you have to like flintstones yeah yep what just happened there nothing the same same wavelength you guys can relate because you're a before and after. I'm sorry, Brian. Before and after what?

One week of dieting? Yeah. Stop drinking for a week. Right. So, Ben, what else are you into? You're flipping houses. You got an 8-year-old and a 10-year-old. What's like a secret thing?

I mean, you know, a guy looks just like you, John Wayne Gacy, had a lot of secrets. Secret. I made a hole-in-one before. Really? And you called me out last time you were here about it. It was a real hole-in-one? I was the slow clapper. Oh. The hole-in-one Trump joke you had.

I remember. I made a hole-in-one. I remember now that old Trump joke that I had about how I thought that Trump was going to become president, and I had a bunch of old funny jokes about it to follow up. Yeah. And nobody believed me. So, Ben, what else are you into? You've made a hole-in-one before.

Well, I like to cook, as you might guess. Obviously, the hole-in-one was a donut that we're talking about. Yes, yes, yes. You like to cook? You like to cook. I like to cook. Tony, I feel like your set got derailed early. You were killing with that first joke.

There was an audience interruption. A girl said it's always blowjob season. I know. There are a lot of sluts in this audience right now. I know who they are. I know who they are. I know who you are. I have the eyes of an eagle.

This little one chimed in, too. I used to be a home plate umpire, kids. That's what I did when I was in high school. That's not a baseball joke. I was a home plate umpire. Anyway, Ben, back to a guy that looks like a major league home plate umpire. You're out of there. Get out of here, mister.

What are you doing? That's three strikes. It's time for you to leave. Seriously. I'd like for you to get out of here. Go back to your plate. Go back to your dugout. Come on.

Scram, kiddos. All right. No, but seriously, you were on a roll. I mean, it was a cinnamon roll, but. Can I ask Jeremiah a question? Yes Jeremiah, my age is 42 Name a famous player with that number Reggie

No Reggie Jackie Robinson Guys, you can't be a heckly chimey audience. This isn't fucking Doug Loves Movies, you fuck boots. This isn't a participatory thing. It's either laugh or shut the fuck up.

I know you guys all love sucking dicks. I don't need to hear about it. Not me. All right. So, Ben, what do you think the most adorable thing you've ever done is? You ever just lay in your bathtub and put, like, the rubber ducky in your belly button and just, like, stare at it and shit like that? If I were you, I would do cute shit all the time. My belly button sticks out of the water in the bathtub, so I can't do that.

Right. I do take baths, yes. Is that adorable? If your belly button sticks above the water, then do you ever fill your belly button up with water and then put the rubber ducky in that water that's in your belly button? It's not big enough, but it's getting there. A lot of people don't know this, but where the Hollywood sign is, at the top of that mountain, there's a lake.

And in that lake, you could do things. And that reminds me of what that would be like. How many dimes can you fit in your belly button? Can we try this right now? Can we have a... Can we get dimes? Who has dimes? Can we have a...

Who has loose change? Who has loose change? Can you get us a few dimes? Would you be willing to play this game with us? So, yes, absolutely. Who wants to play a game called How Many Dimes Can We Fit

in Ben's Belly Button? Huh? Give me some music for this. This is... What? What's a roll of dimes? What's a... Roll of dimes is what, $5?

What? Roll of dimes is $5. Well, you know what? Let's try a bunch of different things. All right, Joel. Joel, I'm going to put you in charge of putting the coins into a... Start off with a dime, then go nickel, then go quarter. Let's work our way up.

Wow! Wow! It's another blood moon, everybody. Should I be horizontal? They're always going to fall out. Wow. Some lady just brought up a pog. An actual,

legitimate pog. Put your hands together for Ben ladies can we please get some dime pumping music for this do we have any plates in the house Ben you are a legend I don't know what is going on right now but I sort of love it this is

how many how much who wants to guess how much coins worth of alright we got 74 cents here. This guy says $2. How deep is your love? This guy's just donating some money. We've actually made more money so far

by asking how many coins we can fit in Ben's belly button than we have doing comedy here tonight, for those of you keeping track. Over, under 15. That's a good question. That's what Ben wants to know. Over, under. What do you guys think?

This guy says under very confidently. Looks like it is blowjob season. This is fucking hilarious. Alright, what are we starting with, Joel? We got one dime. Jeremiah's very, very hard. Hey.

Alright, so we already have one dime in there. Jeremiah's putting his second dime in. It's in there very deep. Two dimes. Hey, I'm going to shit the stage if you push hard. Jeremiah's putting a third dime in. Joel, how do you feel about that?

Awful. Oh, no. He's going to get those stuck in there, guys. What is that, number four, five, four? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. These dimes are never coming out, by the way. Yes.

On the upside, he can get a job at an arcade. One dime. I remember when this show used to be about stand-up comedy. Now we're shoving dimes in Ben's belly button. shoving dimes in Ben's belly button. Okay, so we have six dimes in. That's number seven. We have still not hit level ground.

This guy's still saying under. He's still saying under. That's number eight. Eight dimes. Oh, my God. Eight dimes. Oh, my God. Don't push it that hard. You're going to break his ball sack. Jeremiah is forcing the dimes in.

Oh, well, all right. Squirt some hand sanitizer on it. And lube it up, man. Lube it up. Here's some hand sanitizer. Lube it up. How many is that? That's 11. Over-under guy's scared now.

Alright. Alright, now you have to take all the dimes and the blowjob girl's gonna suck on them. Alright. Alright. you have to take all the dimes and the blowjob girl is going to suck on them. All right. Wait, you can put more in there, dude. Put more in there. Yeah. That's 11.

We're going with our first nickel, everybody. Make some noise for the American nickel. All right, here we go. What is that? Now 12? That's 12. Here's number 13.

Baker's dozen. He's saying no more. That's number 14, holding strong. Wait, that's number 12? Oh, it did. All right, 12. All right, now spit them all in this glass and let that blowjob grow. Nope.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, it smells like Panera Bread up here. Kind of yeasty. Ben. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. How do you feel knowing that you can fit 12 dimes in your belly button? Honestly, that I'm glad I signed up for a personal trainer that I start on the 12th.

Wow. I love that. Three days a week. You know what? We're going to do something we never do. We never normally give out money on this show to somebody pulled out of the bucket, but we are actually going to let you take the dimes

that were in your belly button. You can put it towards your gym membership. Thank you. What's your last name? Young, Y-O-U-N-G. Young? Young, yeah, that's my Twitter. That was the first guy's name

Thanks Put your hands together Ben, I had so much fun with you Thank you Really great stuff Fun times Likewise Dream come true

First time ever First time what? Doing stand-up? This is your first time ever doing stand-up? That was his first time ever doing stand-up? That was his first time ever doing stand-up. Wow, hear it out. Ben Young. Fuck yeah.

I love that. We've had a lot of that time so far. Four years, a guy that makes a living doing it, a bunch of years, four years, two years, and then you got Ben up here. What a good sport. Jeremiah, how was that experience for you? It still feels like his belly button sweat is on my finger.

And you put Germ-X on it. What a great video to have before he loses a bunch of weight, though. Yeah. I got 14 dimes in my... It was what? It was 12 dimes and two nickels, right? 10 dimes, two nickels. Ah, 10 dimes.

That was 11 dimes, wasn't it? That's like $42. That's right. You guys having fun out there? Should we keep it moving? In a world where anything can happen, my hand goes into this creepy vase and pulls out the name of Jake Schultz.

I don't know what's happening. The over-under guy just stood up. I can't imagine that it's him. Is it you? It is. The over-under guy was Jake Schultz. Jake Schultz is the over-under guy was Jake Schultz. Jake Schultz is the over-under guy. So I just flew into town today,

and boy, are my arms tired. All right, I got a better one. I got a better one. A pair of jumper cables walked into a bar, and the bartender said, I'll let you in this time. Just don't start nothing. Damn, I'm rolling right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Girl joke. Just a little sexist right there. I don't have much more else. But this is my first time up here. I listened to Kill Tony like three times, and I decided to come tonight. And I was like, man, I'm going to put my name in the box, and hopefully he'll call on me and rag on me. And I finally got to come up and I was like, man, I'm going to put my name in the box and hopefully they'll call on me and rag on me.

And I finally got to come up and do it. Jake Schultz, you listened to the show three times? Is that what you said? Three times. Two and a half. And you're like, I'm going to throw my name in that box

that they use. The half one was when Jeremiah took over. Did Alexa write your jokes? Yeah, they did. I mean, you do know that the arms tired thing is the oldest joke ever, right? I think that's what I went for.

No, dude, he freaking wrote that. You just waited. You're like Paul Anka. You write songs for other people, and then in the end, you're like, I wrote that shit. I'm going to do it. That's a deep music reference joke for you Paul Anka fans in the audience. Bad blood.

I didn't have any jokes to go, so I had to go. No, we know. Absolutely. We get it. We watched you. You listened to the show a few times. You, like everybody else, thought, oh, I could do that super easily to the point to where I don't even need to try. In fact, you know what?

Not only am I not going to try, I'm going to go the opposite route. I'm going to do one of the oldest jokes that I could possibly find. And imagine, start off with that. Maybe throw them off. Maybe make them wonder, am I being creative? Start off with that. Maybe throw them off. Maybe make them wonder, am I being creative?

But maybe sometimes taking a horrible risk is the best risk to take. And you did that here tonight. You took a horrible. I know I didn't know anything. We know you don't know anything. You don't need to say that anymore. I promise. It's all going to be okay.

No, we know. We know. You had it right the first time. Mama always said I could be a comedian. I finally found the person who writes first on all the YouTube comments. This is him. This is him. It's him.

First, I make joke now. I'm sure I've seen a lot of your amazing work on there. I've been called a gay bitch many a times. So, Jake, let's try to start over again. Because I'm sure you're a nice guy. I'm sure you have good intentions. I'm sure maybe since you've only listened to three episodes of the show, one of them being the one Jeremiah hosted,

which is like not even an episode of the show to me. You know what I mean? So you've listened to two and a quarter episodes of the show. It's one of the highest rated episodes. I don't know what you're talking about. One of the funniest episodes that killed Tony. I can't wait for Kill Pat. Am I right, guys?

Boo! Kill Pat's going I right, guys? Boo! Kill Pat's going to be murdering everyone. I've been suiciding myself. So let me get back to this Jake situation, because I'm sure you're a nice guy. So let's find out a little bit about the actual you, shall we? If I ask you some questions, will you answer them honestly and not try to be funny?

Sure. What's your living situation? Do you live by yourself? I live in an apartment by myself. You live in an apartment by yourself. How old are you? 27. How long have you lived by yourself? Two years. Where'd you live before that?

My dad's house. What do you do for work? Clean pools. How long have you been doing that? Five years. Wow. Jeremiah Watkins. Best in the business. I'm curious. What do you dress up for Halloween as since the rest of the days of the year you dress up as hipster Luigi?

The last thing I dress up for is Cheech. Big stretch. Did you have it? That was a few years ago. Oh, I don't have anything in my house. Oh, I'll get it. You clean pools during the wintertime, too?

Yes. Have you ever had sex with a client? Like, have you ever been the pool guy and sucked some guy off? No, I've had some women... I've had some women hit on me, but I only know one pool guy who's actually had sex with his client. And he's a legend. Yeah.

It just doesn't happen as much as you would like to think. It doesn't? No. At least not for me. Huh. Wow. All right. So you've been cleaning pools for five years.

How do you, and I'm not trying to be insulting here, but how do you sort of have your own place? Is that a normal thing to be able to live by yourself and have an apartment and sustain a life off of just being a pool cleaner? No, I just work at a good company that pays good. Oh, really? What was that company? Nintendo. Parrot Head Pool Service.

Wait, what? Parrot Head Pool Service. Oh, what? Parrot Head Pool Service. Oh, you worked for another pool cleaning company. I feel like you do chlorine as a drug. No. I just do a lot of weed as a drug. So, I mean, this is a little bit of a personal question. I don't normally ask people about their jobs,

but what do you net as a pool boy? Like 45. Other than grass and bugs and shit. All right. Again. That really hurt me. Anyway, so what's the most exciting thing that's ever happened to you when you're out there on the job?

About that. It's bugs. Do you find to you when you're out there on the job? About that. Do you find dead animals in there all the time? You have to scoop them out? Yeah, a few times. Not all the time. What's the weirdest dead animal you've ever found in a pool? Like a possum or something. Like a big possum.

Are you sure it was dead or was it just playing possum? I don't know. Is it true there's no such thing as a chemical that when you pee it was dead or was it just playing possum? I don't know. Is it true there's no such thing as a chemical that when you pee it turns color? That's all like urban legend? That's not true. Hey, you're funny. Thanks, man. You have a funny sensibility and a funny personality.

And I think the people on Keltoni Houston have been really funny so far. Compared to L.A. Keltoni where everyone's like, I'm trying to be something. It's like you get more authentic people and they're just funnier. Yeah, I agree with that. I was just talking with Red Band about that earlier.

About how these are always fun. Very authentic people. Even this guy who originally was, when we first met him, at least to me, completely unlikable. I authentic people. Even this guy who originally was, when we first met him, at least to me, was completely unlikable. Right? I liked him. Right out of the gate, I liked him. Boy, are my arms tired. I've heard

Mel Brooks do that joke. I know for a fact. Yeah, but it's funny. He doesn't know what's going on, so he's just like, I like the show. I don't know. I like comedy. I'll come up. I'll just... That's my point, is that at the beginning, I didn't like him I like comedy. I'll come up. I'll just... That's my point, is that at the beginning I didn't like them, but now we're finding out

more about them. listening. It's just been recent since then. Like, if you came out and you said, I've been a pool boy for the last five years, you're already just set up

for going. Yeah, man. I'm rolling. I mean... I'm rolling. You could just scrape right from the top. Try from it.

Or you could go deep. you know what I mean? You have the whole wide world of pool cleaning jokes. I've been a pool boy for five years, so I have a doctorate in menopause. I'm not that smart. I don't get that one. How do you... I mean... How much longer. How do you... I mean...

How much longer do you think you're going to extend your career for? I don't know, man. The pay keeps going up, and it's just nice not to have a real stressful job. Are you one of the people that truly do believe that money grows on trees, since that's how you make most of your money is cleaning leaves out of pools? I guess, kind of, yeah. Now that you put it that way.

Never mind. I was going to say it's interesting because with comedy you just dove right in, you know. Head first. But Jake, so this is your first time ever performing anything, right? Yeah, I'm not ever comfortable on stage. What else have you ever done on stage?

Nothing. You ever sing karaoke before? A couple times when I'm pretty weak. I have no idea. What do you mean you don't know what you sang? You're so definitely afraid. It was so long ago, I have no idea. You look like you'd sing,

I want it that way. Tell me why. Ain't nothing but a part of me. Tell me why. Jake Schultz, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Alright, let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for Matt McElhone.

Matt McElhone. Meckle Road. McElhone. There he is. What's up, guys? I'm Matt McElhone, and I walked into a sex shop the other day. I walked into a sex shop and the lady behind the counter said, Oh, hey, Matt.

And I said, how the fuck do you know my name? She said, because it's on your credit card and you come in here all the time. So I went home and killed myself. It's a true story. I went in there for dick pills. It's an addiction. Step one, get Redman on your side. I went in there for dick pills. I've been trying to kick

that addiction for a few months, but it's just so hard. I was having sex with this girl the other day. She had a Bible verse on her back. And that's awkward, right? But I'll tell you, man, that Bible verse gave me the strength to last forever. Because I'm an atheist. Usually when you're in Texas and you don't think your set's going well,

you go to military material. I'll say that... Never mind, I won't. All right. Matt, back on. Did you say you were in the military? Yes, sir. There you go. Put your hands together for this guy.

Fighting. I feel so hacky now. While that kid's out there cleaning pools, this guy's fighting for our goddamn freedom. What branch of the service were you in? I was in the army. Wow. Did you go anywhere? Afghanistan and South Korea.

I don't think South Korea counts. I was just having fun. Yeah? What kind of fun were you having in South Korea? I did like 20 sets there, man. I don't know. I got drunk all the time. That's the big thing to do there. And you did

sets of comedy there? Yeah, yeah. Mostly math jokes. I've heard of North Korean bombing, but I didn't know it extended to the South. Hey, what do you think of South Korean audiences? Did they have soul? That's my boy Kill Pat right there.

Did they have soul? I want to know. They did have soul. They had a lot of soul. What are some differences between South Korea and America that you noticed and enjoyed? Personal space. That's a big one. Tighter vaginas. I don't want to go into a bit, but they have a serious... I don't want to sound racist, but they don't think outside of the box like we do.

One time I went to a soccer game game and they took away my wife at the time. They took away her bottle caps. And I had a Frisbee in my satchel and they were like, yeah, go ahead. Take that Frisbee in there. Because their rule is like take away bottle caps so they can't throw them on the field. I had a pack of batteries. It didn't occur to them that I could chuck that way farther than a bottle cap, you know? Yeah, you do think outside the batter's box. That story was more confusing than the movie Inception. So what do you do now? I just use the GI Bill to go to college.

I get housing paychecks. Oh, that's cool. What are you studying in college? I'm going to do marketing. Nice. And where are you going in college? I'm going to do marketing. Nice. And where are you going to school at? Community college. In Dallas, by the way.

Fuck you, people. Oh, shit. Oh. Whoa. I love it. Full heel turn for Matt Mecklehorn. For you podcast listeners, there is a race riot in the audience right now. Yeah, it's two craziest races, Houston versus Dallas.

When those two races go at it, normally it's a NASCAR race, I do believe. So what else? You're from Texas? Born and raised? Yep. On the playground is where you spent most of your days?

Most of my days, yeah. What else do you do for fun? I shoot b-ball out back. No, but seriously,

what else do you do for fun? I play pool. I go to bars. The last guy, he clean pools. It's true. All right, Matt.

Well, you know what? How long have you been doing stand-up? Four months. Four months. And you listen to Keltoni sometimes? You just heard there was a show you could do 60 seconds on? No, like since Iron Patriot. Wow.

Fuck yeah. That's a loyal listener there. Well, you might want to watch laughing at your own jokes a bit. You sort of do this thing where on every punchline you're like, All right, all right. Right? Like, it's like,

they're going to be with you or they're not. Like, you don't need to be like, Now! Now, you see me laughing? You too. Ha ha! Ha! I mean, it's working for me now because I'm making fun of you,

but don't do it. I got you. I got you. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to dismiss you and I'm going to get one more person up here. Right? Fly through it. Four months in, dude. You're doing it. You're doing it, Matt. If you want to do it, you can fucking keep doing it.

Have fun. You might as well. Talk about being in the fucking military and South Korean shit. What did he talk about up here? What were his jokes about? I don't even remember. Boner pills. What was it? He's addicted to boner pills. Oh, I like that one. Yeah.

Yeah, dude, him being hard. Nice. Fuck yeah. I bet it's hard. You guys ready for this? One last last name that's all we can get through we have a hard out because we have to do a stand up show at 9pm

here in this room this looks interesting put your hands together for your final comedian of the night Enrique Chacon here we go here he comes.

And it's Rike Chaco. Yo, how y'all doing? What's crackin'? Hey, Sean, hold me up here finally. This is my second show. I was at the schoolhouse today, and saw like four cops. They were like mad black, you know, just mugging. And I was like, all right, cool, man. I'll just walk over here this way. Like, all right, man, they're not looking at me. They're probably like in

traffic or whatever. I don't give a shit. So I go into school and then I see another mad black cop and I'm like, what the fuck? What's going on? And he's like, get the fuck down. I'm like, oh shit. What the fuck am I doing? And he's like, there's an active shooter. And I'm like, oh shit, there's an active shooter in the fucking building, man. Fuck this. And I'm telling fucking, my friend Susan, I'm telling this bitch, get the fuck down, Susan. Get the fuck down. Shut the fuck up, bitch.

Man, I don't want to fucking die today. I'm still fucking high school. I want to get a college degree, bitch. All right. And then I got up and I was like, fuck. Active shooter's not even here, man. I'm just fucking, got my fucking courtesan going. Had a bad day.

Shit. Get me a fucking Starbucks coffee cup now, fuck. What else? Wow. Enrique Chacon. Hey, how you doing? Holy shit. How old are you?

I'm 21. You're 21 and this is your second time ever on stage? First time on stage, right now. Are you fucking serious? It's my first time, yeah. Enrique, I have good news for you. Oh, thank you. You're freakishly, freakishly hilarious.

I don't think I've ever laughed that hard during an actual set, like just at the comedian without anything else distracting me. Your method and commitment to whatever that was, I don't even know what you were talking about, but it was so unbelievable and unorthodox.

I mean, you were hiding behind shit. For those of you that are just listening to the podcast, Enrique is 21 and looks like a 10-year-old lesbian. All right, all right. Yeah, yeah. He has braces, a baby face, but somewhat

of a professional, almost like Fareed Zakaria look to him in some weird way. It seems like he has his wits about him. You know what his act's like? It was like we were playing G.I. Joe together as a kid. Enrique, you're a badass motherfucker. You got the rubber bands

on the braces and everything. You don't give a fuck. You are a rock star, sir. Do you know that? You get a lot of pussy, Enrique? You bitch! I got enough pussy! I got enough! You are my new favorite human in the world.

Dude. You can take this to the bank with you. Tony. I'll like cosign shit for you if you want. Yeah, go ahead, Jeremiah. Tony, he sounds like he learned English through DMX Rosetta Stone. And then I did this, and then I did that,

and then, hey, I'll cut you, bitch! I was like, stop! Drop! Enrique, what did you just yell at that guy that told you you don't get a lot of pussy? What did you yell at him? I said, you're a bitch! You gotta hit it with the...

Hey, I feel like DMX right now. So Enrique, so do you get a lot of pussy? I do. Right now my girlfriend broke up with me, but I don't give a shit. Talk into the mic, Enrique. Why did she break up with you? Shit, it's just, I don't know.

Bitches be unfaithful. What you want me to tell you, man? I can't look at bitches. Bitches be unfaithful, man. She broke up with you on Facebook? No, unfaithful. If someone is in this audience, please take a picture of this man and meme it immediately. Bitches be unfaithful. If someone is in this audience, please take a picture of this man

and meme it immediately. Bitches be unfaithful. Come on, dude. Take the picture. Enrique Chacon. That is your real name. Enrique Francisco Chacon Herrera. Wow. That's a fucking sentence.

It's a sentence. Hold on. Hold on. What happened to that voice that you just did? That's when I speak Spanish. Verdad, wey? Jesus Christ. Have you noticed Latinos out here are so much different than the West Coast Latinos?

Like, they're totally way better out here. We're closer to the border. Wow. We're closer to the border. Wow. You're closer to the border, bro. You have a point. Either way, in my book, I consider them visitors. Oh. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Guys, relax. I don't want to build any walls in between the people on this show. They want to kick us out. I mean, he is following his dreamers. Oh, dreamers. Enrique, I want to know more about you. Can you tell us some fun facts about you? You do anything fun?

Are you ticklish? Like you know how to skydive or anything like that? Bro, I don't know, bro. I don't want my balls touched. I don't feel like getting my balls touched. Are you ticklish? I don't want to play this game right back. Here we go.

Welcome to another episode of Are You Ticklish? Are you ticklish? I tried to play a song. He's alright. So tell us some more fun facts about Enrique Chacon. You're secretly Paul Wall. What else about you? I was born in the jungles of El Salvador.

Is that true? Yeah, I was born in El Salvador. Wow. Were you just originally just a little baby drug mule or something like that? I was like Tarzan. I was Tarzan with tacos. You know what I mean? If someone is in this audience, please take a picture and meme that Tarzan quote.

There is not a doubt. I've said this. You've heard this all before on this show. It happens all the time. I've said this, you've heard this all before on this show, it happens all the time I've said it I said it on episode 11 when I had a young lady on as a guest named Tiffany Haddish

I said it many a times throughout this show and throughout its history and I'm always 100% right but I'll tell you this Enrique I guarantee you that if you just don't change anything

and keep figuring out more shit and you commit the same way forever, you will bury people forever in this. You are a star. Also, you have to commit to a life wearing braces. Yeah. Don't take out the braces. Don't lose the braces.

I just got a close-up. It's going to be a while. Oh, fuck. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. You just met him here. His first time on stage ever. You are witnessing history. You were in the room when Enrique Chacon made his debut on Kill Tony.

And that is Kill Tony live from Houston, Texas. Just like that. Enrique, Matt, Jake, Ben, Derek, Zahid, Victor, and DJ Vasquez. We have a lot of fun stuff coming up. I'm touring all around the world. Hey guys, if you're on the second show, we have to have everyone leave and then come back in. No matter what, whether you have tickets

or not, you have to go out there. If you're coming back in for the second show in which everybody does stand up, I close it out, and it's going to be a lot of fun. So thank you so much, live audience. Jeremiah Watkins, this is a podcast. Live.

Listen to around the world. So why don't you tell people where they can find you. Follow me on social media at Jeremiah's Stand-Up. And check out my new podcast, Jeremiah Wonders, on SoundCloud, Stitcher, Google Play, iTunes, all that stuff. And the budget was a little out of control for this show, so we're going to be, for donations, I got some T-shirts, CDs, stickers, different Death Squad stuff that you guys can donate

to help us with our trip out here, because we love Houston and we want to make this happen, even though we didn't have the budget for it. Patty Reagan, the band leader. Just keep Austin weird, man. Yeah, dude. Keep Austin weird. What the fuck?

Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, people. Joel Berg. Thanks. Damn. Thanks for the love, Houston. We love you back. Thank you for coming.

Fuck yeah. Show's a stand-up show right after this. Dallas tomorrow and the next night. Two shows, two shows. Boise, Idaho. Sacramento, California. Salt Lake City, Phoenix. A bunch of fun stuff coming up. TonyHinchcliffe.com

Love you, Houston. Houston, we love you. Thank you. Good night. We love you. Thank you. Good night. We love you. I'm not trying to be your hero Cause that zero is too close to me I'm not trying to be your highest Cause that minus is too low to see.

Nothing from nothing leaves nothing. And I'm not stopping. Believe you me. Don't you remember I told you. I'm a soldier in the war on poverty Yes, I am Thank you.