KILL TONY - KILL TONY #25

Episode Date: November 29, 2013

Erik Griffin, Jayson Thibault, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sara Mostajabi, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Brian Redban - Date: 11/18/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band. You're listening to Kill Tony here at Death Squad. Please subscribe to us on iTunes. Just open up iTunes, search for Death Squad, hit subscribe. That's all you have to do. And what it does is it helps us out because that's how you do the iTunes rankings. And I know a lot of you just don't do that anymore. But please subscribe to us. Even rate and review our show. Leave a comment. In the future, we're going to start going to the comments, I think, and reading some of them. So put some good comments in there, and we'll see what happens. Also, go to ShopSquad.TV. Again, ShopSquad.TV. The new sticker is up right now. This is a very limited edition sticker. This is a new sticker, and it's got a faded design, so it's pretty sweet. Like, I put it on the back of my car.

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Not only can you get all the podcasts, all the videos from all the podcasts and blah, blah, blah. You can also get our tour dates. And we have a huge, huge show coming up December 11th. We're going to be in San Jose, California at the San Jose improv. This is the comedy palace. If you've ever been there, it's this huge place. So we got to fill that up and that's, that's scary.

So please come check us out. December 11th, San Jose improv. It's a death squad, dirty show. And it's going to be me, Sam Tripoli, Brody Stevens.

And I'm going to have a couple of special guests that we're going to bring up there also. So check it out. Go to improv.com or deathsquad.tv for the tickets. All right? And don't forget, you can always go see Kill Tony, which is what you're listening to right now. Every Monday, we have Death Squad Monday at the Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. It starts at 8 o'clock with Kill Tony and followed by Ding Dong Show. Both shows are free, so go to

the Comedy Store's website or just show up. You know, Kill Tony's been pretty packed lately, so you might want to reserve your free tickets at the Comedy Store's website. Anyways, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world-famous comedy store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony.

Get out for Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, my God. Yay. Yay. How are you guys doing tonight? I just spilled my coffee, first thing. That's a sign of the fun to come, yay. Yay. How are you guys doing tonight? I just spilled my coffee, first thing. That's a sign of the fun to come, everyone. Right on the old sponge.

Oh yeah, that's going to be wet all night. How about that? A little behind-the-scenes show business magic. We're dealing with a wet coffee table. We just turned this into a coffee table. How's that for some humor right from the get? Anyway, it's good to be here. I've been told that

this is episode 25, everybody. So, how exciting. 25 Mondays in a row. What many are calling the fastest growing comedy podcast of all time. So, no big deal. Unless you care about that type of stuff. So, it's very exciting things are good

Brian you just got back from Vegas yeah I got to see the fights I went to a nightclub and there was only one table booth left and the guys I was with had money and they were like hey you want to chip in for a table I'm like looking at my wallet like oh I gotta go to the ATM and I'm thinking like getting out, you want to chip in for a table? I'm looking at my wallet like, oh, I've got to go to the ATM.

And I'm thinking getting out $100 maybe or something, some 20s. And they're like, well, it's a $2,500 table. Did you know that even existed? No. I don't hang around people that would even suggest that. Right.

And then it was really weird. It was like, because we were right over where the DJs were, like in this huge booth, and you just got to see how much they don't do. Right. And then the guy was like, some guy came to him, and he's like, oh, and he hits pause.

And then this other guy walks out, and he presses play, and it was like, guys, give it up for Tiesto, or whatever his name is, like some famous DJ, I guess. Tiesto? And he just seriously, there was like four tables of like just like with one big red button that he would push and make the CD sound weird for a second. And then. Those DJs have it made, man. Yeah.

They're not doing anything. Nothing. And they just hold that thing up. And they're like always the one dancing the hardest to their own shit that they've already heard a thousand times over and over again. Like they made it that way previously. And then they're just hitting play on something and then they're dancing and touching things but it's gotten to a point now to where like back in the old days they used to have to have a record and you could see them blatantly having to scratch that record they didn't have the technology to just lay down the track right and then put that on a record and

have one record playing while just making it look like you're scratching another record. But now technology has caught up to the DJ. Meanwhile, they're making hundreds of thousands of dollars at these fucking gigs. Yeah. And you could do it. Yeah, I think that there was probably about 5,000 people there, and each ticket was about $100, and then there was booths everywhere. There was even booths that cost more than the booth we were in. They were like, see those booths down there?

That's a $5,000 booth. That's a $5,000 booth. That's a $10,000 booth. And the $10,000 booth was seriously right in the middle of everyone dancing. Guys, come sit in this empty front row, please. Yeah, come on in. It feels very, very – thank you. So me and you had a little conversation at the beginning about the seven-minute song. You really want me to change the seven-minute song.

Every Monday. You really want me to change the seven minute song. Every Monday. The only thing that has stayed the same all 25 episodes since we started this thing, except for one night. We've always had the same seven minute count. There's a seven minute warning. It's Balls in Your Butthole,

which is this song right here that you guys probably heard. It's a delightful song about putting your balls in somebody's butthole. It eats away at my soul every Monday, listening to this before the show starts. But don't you think it's a good, like, oh, balls in the butthole song, got to go upstairs. I think we could retrain the brain for another song. What do you guys think? Do you guys like balls in your butthole? All right, well, fuck all you guys then.

All right. There you go. They like balls in your butthole. It's a good vegan song. You'd think you would like it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus. Is a ball falling out?

What's going on over there? Oh, my God. How's that a vegan song? Why do you laugh at that, that hard Asian guy? What's so funny about that to you? I like vegan jokes. You like vegan jokes you like vegan jokes he likes vegan did you once like date a vegan or something and she broke your heart that's normally how that happens right why do you hate vegans all right i don't know i don't know why i'm talking to you on a podcast right now. Nobody can hear what you're saying. On top of you being unmiked, you're also Asian,

which is very naturally quiet. The Iron Patriot is here, everybody. Speaking of Asian guys. I will lead these new Avengers into battle against anyone who would threaten our way of life. I am the Iron Patriot. As always, live in the flesh. Yes, Tommy?

I learned something new about the Iron Patriot. I can't wait to hear it. I was standing behind him like this, awkwardly, looking at his butt, going like, wow, I wonder where I could put my finger in there to tickle him. I couldn't find anything. And then I went around the front, and I found this little hole that you could tickle him in, and he's so fucking ticklish. Look at this.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle. Come on, Red Red, please. So fucking ticklish. Look at this. Come on, Red Band, please. He tried not to laugh outside. He was laughing his ass off. He really did not expect you to try to tickle him on the air like that.

That's awesome. I've never heard him get like that real. Come on, Red Band, please. That's great. Smell my finger. finger red band this is this is you gotta be less red band you have to I need like

I need like 80% red band right now defending balls in your butthole and then making me smell your patriot finger you're at 130% red band right now Vegas made you Vegas blew you up. It's the not drinking thing.

I'm trying not to drink anymore. That's what it is. I have all this energy. I have solid stools now. Did you guys know? Did you know that you're not supposed to shit water for two months straight? And if you do, you probably shouldn't be drinking. That's what happens to you?

Another friend that I knew that just stopped drinking, he told me that he was shitting blood for years and just thought that was normal. Yeah, that happens too. Patriot, how's your stool been? I got my diet down so good now that there's nothing even on the

paper. I wipe, I can't even see nothing on there. Wow. My stomach's feeling good. I'm eating those veggie burgers every day. I eat the rice. I crunch the chips up in it. I eat the green beans. I eat the raisin bran in the morning. Wow. Maybe a little dessert with some peanut M&M's too. Have you ever had to poop

while in this suit? No. No. Wow. Your left arm almost twitched off its hinges on that one. Oh my God. I've never seen a robot do the robot before, but it's fucking happening. Yeah, yeah. I was on Parkinson's recreation on Friday.

It was Rob Lowe's last day on the show. Uh-huh. They served some cake, and he's been on that show for like three years, but he's moving on to do other things. But they say the show is going to continue, though. Okay. I was thinking about my career with Tony this week. I've been thinking about it for a few weeks.

I see you guys do all these comedy shows, you know, besides this. And I tried to go down to Laugh Factory on Tuesday night. Oh, my God. Why would you do that? I don't know why. It wasn't I was denied for the first time. I got into Hollywood Improv. I got in the House of Blues, but this club would not let me in. There was a female brother. She didn't like me. And I saw that guy back there in the corner. I saw him there.

He comes to this show. The older gentleman. Didn't you see me? He saw me, didn't he? And he said, go over and talk to Harvey. I met Harvey, the open mic guy. He liked me, but I could tell he didn't have much power. See, you're supposed to go down there and wait three or four hours. Right. Before five, and then you get a ticket for the next week. So wait a second. What were you trying to do?

What was your goal? You wanted to go on stage and do the open mic? I didn't know for sure, Tony. What did you want to do? Well, I was going to go up there for three minutes if they let me on stage, and I was going to explain who I was. And I was going to maybe tell some of my jokes, maybe some of the things you wrote for me. I was going to go up there for three minutes if they let me on stage, and I was going to explain who I was. And I was going to maybe tell some of my jokes, maybe some of the things you wrote for me. I was going to tell them about those. Can we get a little example of what your stand-up would have been like on that day?

So first of all, let's just say you walked up to the stand, and you had to put it all the way down like how it is. That's the first thing people would see. All right? Whereas everybody else lifts the stand anyway. So give us a little example. I don't know. I mean, first I would hit him with some of my special flex, like... Just to start. A stranger walks on stage, and that's what you do.

You just start making noises. I'm going to say, for every life you save, there's a million new ways to die. Okay. That's enough. You only get one day. Tomorrow belongs to me. And then I'm going to tell him about That I ordered my costume in November of 2011 It took a year and a half

It was ordered from Norway What's funny about that? Well, I don't think I'm like Joey Diaz I think I just tell stories But at a comedy club you have to have those stories be funny And if you're just talking about ordering a product I was going to get to the Female Brothers And the Parkinson's Recreation.

I was going to do some of that, too, but... I don't know. Maybe I should just do this show and do conversational comedy. I'm confused about my career. I'm happy with this show. I think... Maybe I should do this show. No, I mean just this. I'm happy with this. I get to

do songs here and stuff. This fucking guy has been trying to jump ship since like week three. I told you I feel guilty because you guys do so many other things, and then I just do this, but I'm kind of more limited than you guys. I can't go as many places. So the lady wouldn't let me in. She just said I need to come and wait in my street clothes next week, and I'm not going back.

I don't like it. I told you about that place, didn't I? Yeah, I didn't I? Josh, what are you doing back there? Putting on a fucking light show? Just let it be how it is. It's fine. I keep seeing these glaring in the mirrors.

It's like, Jesus, Josh, just relax. Put your hands together for our nervous, neurotic producer, Josh Martin. Always bumbling and fumbling. Knocked over, just 15 minutes ago, he knocked over all of the waitress's drinks. There you go. That's the first applause break I ever got. Put your hands together for Jenny, your lovely waitress tonight, getting us all liquored up.

Crown and Coke. Hell yes. You got it. And so fuck yeah. Patriot, I have some great guests tonight. You guys ready for me to bring up my guests? Huh? Everybody, it's such an exciting night. I've been waiting a long time to get these two guys

on here, and I'm really glad that I got them both at the same time. No particular order, you know this guy from the Death Squad, Punch Drunk Sports Podcast. You know him from his great comedy on the Ice House Chronicles and at the Ice House and many other places.

One of my funniest pals. I hang out with him every night. It's Jason, the Tebow, everybody! And also, another one of my favorite friends. You know him, you love him from Workaholics, his half-hour special. One of the funniest people I know, Eric Griffin is here!

In the fucking house. What's up, buddy? How you guys doing? Good. How are you? Fuck yeah. Great. Good to have you, Eric.

Testing. Testing. Can you hear me good? Okay, we're good. I don't think you hear me good. All right. Oh, yeah. We got you.

Welcome, guys. Wow. How are you? So far, it's been great, I feel like. We got spilled drinks from an idiot. We got a grown man in a robot suit. We're good, I think. Now this is your first time really getting to see the Patriot, right guys? Yeah, I'm jealous. Really jealous.

I used to have to wear underoos and like... That was my Halloween costume. You were in underoos when you met him? Well, that's between him and I. But that's incredible. I don't even know what to fucking say to that.

I met him a few times here like after your show like waiting to go up downstairs and different things like that and I'm like, am I having an acid flashback right now? Did I do too much drugs

in the 90s? But no. Jason, I want to talk to you. Oh boy, this can only go bad. Go ahead. Wow.

I was watching your Punch Drunk Sports show today. Oh, thank you. And I want to talk to you. Oh, boy, this can only go bad. Go ahead. Wow. I was watching your Punch Drunk Sports show today. Oh, thank you. And I happened to catch the episode that Tony was on. Oh, yeah, he's on tomorrow, actually. Tony will be on tomorrow. He said something that really surprised me. He said that he once hooked up with a female brother. He said she was better, she was warmer,

but he said he also might have thought that it was because she had a fever. Now, was that jungle fever telling me? This is so great. You did say that you hooked up with a black woman once. And you said her inner temperature was warmer than normal vaginas. It felt that way. That is racist. It was unbelievable. No, either

black women have a special vagina or the one I was with had a flu or something like that. It felt like it was about 99 to 100 degrees. It was fucking unbelievable. What is it supposed to be? Room temperature?

No. 73 degrees vagina? I temperature? No, no. It was supposed to be normal. 73 degrees vagina? I'm telling you, this was, if I could up just the vagina temp a degree or two, I would. One degree? I'm telling you, it's fucking crazy. But not 10 degrees.

I felt it. I don't know whether it was, maybe she had a flu? Yeast infections do that, Tony. No, no. Everything was lovely about her. Everything was, I mean, this is also one of the most beautiful women I've ever been with. One of the most beautiful women you've ever fucked once

and never talked to again. No, actually, I got to hang out with her for an entire summer. I was house-sitting for Benji. He has a mansion in the Hollywood Hills, or had a mansion in the Hollywood Hills. That's where he was living at the time, and I was house- for Benji. He has a mansion in the Hollywood Hills, or had a mansion in the Hollywood Hills. That's where he was living at the time, and I was house sitting for him for an entire month. And she was

some sort of employee that he had? No, I mean you can, and this was, I was still working the door here. Guess who's fucking the maid? It's me, the best. You're gonna get it, maid. I had no career, I had nothing, but all I had was the leverage of, hey I'm house sitting for my buddy as a mansion right up the Hollywood Hills.

And that's all it takes in L.A. It was one of the best summers of my life. Did you ever play it like it was your mansion? Like, hey, come to my place in the hills. No, it was not believable. You'd walk in and there would just be, you know, there's like a, it's not Tony-ish. There's like little Jewish things everywhere. Quick question.

What's with the sword? Broken sword here. Well, this is the sword of Kill Tony. We're at episode 25, so it's taken a beating for the $8 that I paid for it in Chinatown. It's a vegan thing. It's a vegan sword? See, that would be an opportunity where...

You can only kill plants with it? The bad joke doesn't even fit. So it's like a double whammy. Like you're trying hard and it doesn't even make sense. Are we already starting? Was that his first minute right there? Yeah, that was our pre-talk warm-up. Like, Red Band's going to make a couple bad jokes and we're going to start the show.

Hey, Jason. Yes, of course. Jason, do you think we could bring glam metal back to the strip if we got Tony in that yellow suit that Uma Thurman wore in Kill Bill and got the wig on him? I don't know if we can bring glam metal back, but I definitely am pretty sure Tony would get a couple of cocks in his mouth if he walked around. No, but he'd look cool. Tony kind of reminds me of David Bowie. And, you know, David Bowie has been married to a black woman for the last 20 years. And now that I found this new thing

about Tony on your podcast, I'm ready to rock it glam style. Him in the yellow jumpsuit, he's got the shoes, the sword, the wig. Yeah. Glad that you were able to flush that idea out in front of everybody. Let me talk to you, Eric, before we start the show.

Oh, please. I was listening to you on a film podcast today, and you were getting real passionate talking about the comics. Oh, that's true. Spider-Man and stuff. Oh, yeah. What I wanted to ask you is, are you aware of the story of Iron Patriot with Norman Osborn, a.k.a.

Green Goblin? I am not aware, and I'm sure you were about to tell me. Well, they changed it up in Iron Man 3, and I wanted to hear your thoughts on it, but it's okay. If you don't know about it, it's okay. Well, if you really want me to bitch about Marvel Comics, I'll say this. You can't have a movie like Thor and have aliens attack, and then the other Avengers don't show up.

It just doesn't make any fucking sense anymore. You can't create a world where we know the Avengers exist and then like, oh, so they're just like busy that day? And Spider-Man's just like, hey. Spider-Man's okay because he's not in that world

but they've created the world of the Avengers, the Hulk. Spider-Man was an Avenger for a while. I know, but he's not in the fucking movies, nerds.

Yeah, but as I'm saying, it takes place in New York and if this was like a true like Avengers movie. But I'm okay with like not having those worlds connected. They actually connected. I'm talking about the actual movies. Like Peter Parker's eating pizza,

watching the world come to an end. He's like, looks like Thor's got it. Let Spider-Man go. We've seen a movie with the Hulk, Captain America, Iron Man. Those people should show up. Yeah, they need to bring in their stars. Yeah, it doesn't fucking make any sense. Do you work for Sony? Is that why you're telling need to bring in their stars. Yeah, it doesn't fucking make any sense. Do you work for Sony?

Is that why you're telling me to ignore them? No. But you... Okay. Patriot. See what you've done, Iron Patriot? Yeah, way to go. The panel's already fighting.

This is a very weird, like, nothing from this group right here. Yeah, it's really, really tight. These guys are like, just go ahead and start America Doesn't Have Talent, please. Could you guys get that party going? Do you need like a hostage negotiator

or something right now? Do you really want to be here? Like, are you going to get involved? It's very AA meeting-ish right now. It really is. The fuck is going on right here? It's like being at the Apollo and trying to like talk about life

before Showtime at the Apollo starts. And they're like, just give us a reason to boo please could you get it started well yeah we might as well you guys ready to get this thing started or what we have over 30 comedians that have signed up

for the opportunity to do one minute if you don't know the deal it's something like this at 60 seconds you will hear oh it hear a tiger this week. By the way, Spider-Man was not an Avenger because he wouldn't give up his secret identity. But anyway, go on.

Is that why? There you go. Fuck yeah. That's what happens if you try to run the sound of the more mellow cat. And if you run that sound, that is one angry bear,

and you don't want to bring him out. Okay, I'm so confused right now. At a minute, the sound... What sound is what now? At a minute, the sound of a cat. We have every cat sound in the world. So what does complete silence from the audience do? What is that one?

What? Is that on there too? Are we going to figure out what we're playing at 60 seconds in the light? The lion says. I think Red Band's still on ecstasy from Vegas, everyone. I'm pretty convinced.

From 2012? Coming back at about 15% power. So it's the first cat or the second cat? Meow. Okay, he's just going to make the noise with his mouth. Just don't do 90 seconds of comedy, people. I mean, he did it. Right, exactly.

Don't do 65 seconds either. But actually do 60 seconds of comedy. Yeah, appreciate that. Okay. But actually do 60 seconds. Yeah. Appreciate that. Okay. Nobody got that one? All right. All righty. Thank you for the four people paying attention.

All right. Here we go. It's Dean Perach. Perich. His days look like ewes. Change. You know, I feel so dirty when they start talking cute. I want to tell her that I love her,

but the point is, brother. What's going on, guys? So, I'm a new comic, and I'm trying to find my voice. So I was watching Little Mermaid the other day, and I realized, well, Ariel's hotter. Ursula's way more fuckable. She has her own place.

You don't have to worry about her dad coming home and blowing you up with a trident. And I don't know if it's a vagina, but it's fuckable. That's all I got for that one. About 30 seconds. Wait a second. You just did 14 seconds. Really? Wait, that's really it?

Yeah, I need to do it. You were doing good, dude. You have nothing else? Do another one? I've been trying to make that bit a little bit longer. I mean, you still got 35 seconds. I don't know. I could go into something about how...

I don't know. You know what that sound means. No, actually we don't. We heard 14 sounds before the show started and none of them made sense to either one of us. I would love to know what sound it was. That was never a sound that we heard actually.

It was a giant fog whistle. The odds of us turning that little mermaid bit into something is, the odds are better of there being an actual mermaid

that's on the show at some point. I disagree. I understand what you meant. I mean, when I got up, first of all, I thought,

you know, you could have went with the Ariel's too hot and the fat girl is easier to fuck. You know what I mean? I thought that's where you all, I thought, like, you know, you could have went with the Ariel's too hot and the fat girl is easier to fuck. You know what I mean? I thought that's where you were kind of going with that, you know? Well, because you can't have sex with a mermaid,

but you can have sex with an octopus. Well, see, you should have talked about that kind of stuff. Look, there's no right or wrong way. Like, you could have gone to, like... Now you can start talking about fucking fishes or whatever you want to do, but, you know, don't stop. Just because you have a little premise, make that your punchline and then work backwards.

Mermaids have buttholes, by the way. A lot of people don't know that. Do they really? Oh, yeah, they do have to poop. Where does it... And they pee out of their butthole. That's the hard part, is finding the butthole. Well, I mean, are they hatched?

I mean, like, mermaids don't just, like, appear. They have to, like, come from someplace. They come from the butt. You can fuck Ursula, though. Like an egg. You have an obsession with Ursula. I mean, it's a weird... I mean, she's kind of weirdly sexual, if you look back.

How so? I mean, I don't know. She's kind of doing sex stuff. Well, how is it... How is it to you? She has those little, like, squiggly, squiggly slave dudes when you walk into her place. That's weird. See what I'm saying?

Right now, you're more engaged about this than you were during your act. He's totally right. So all I'm trying to point out to you is that you're just so nervous about this thing. And it's like, don't be. Just talk about what you think about. Especially for a minute. You probably stood in a mirror or you had these bits and you talked about it in in your apartment for seven minutes and then came here and gave us like 20 seconds. You could have milked that for a little bit longer.

I mean in a complimentary way. I definitely think there's something there. Definitely. Yeah, man. Just stretch it out and get – I think your 14 seconds just turned into 28 in front of our very eyes. I might be pushing it. I'll give you 20.

Your whole demeanor is you're just nervous or whatever it is like that. You're not even doing your bit justice because you're worried about your performance. There is a captive audience, literally. You know what I mean? And I got another compliment. Yeah, kind of.

Another compliment I'll give you, man, is you had it, got a couple laughs, and you never come out strong. These guys are all good comics up here. No matter how funny your first bit is, people kind of laugh at it, and then you get them on board after that. You had them on board, and then you go, by the way, go fuck yourself. That's all I got. I mean, dude, just pace yourself, man. yourself. That's all I got. I mean, you could, dude,

just pace yourself, man, have fun with it, you know? Get shit in there. Just what other cartoon characters do you want to fuck? Think about that shit when you go home tonight.

Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. It's true. You probably got 20 minutes on Scooby-Doo in doggy style alone. I mean,

you're good, bro. There's no right or wrong way. Doria, or whatever that girl's name is. Yeah, Dora the Explorer. That's her name. Or Daria. Explore that chick. Daria's name is. Yeah, Dora the Explorer. That's her name. Or Daria.

Explore that chick. Daria would be better. You could fuck Dora and Daria. One's tighter than the other, though, guys. And we know it ain't the Explorer. You know why? Speak Spanish. That's always a fucking... Dora the Explorer speaks Spanish, and that chick likes it dirty. She's like four. That's weird. Just

saying. In her country, it's okay. How old's... That's all I was saying. And she travels to enough countries that I'm sure that she'll land in one that it won't be a problem. Someplace Asian. I feel like we've all learned

a lot so far tonight. I think more about us than about this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Thank you. There you go. Dean Perocci, everybody. The one pun gun on Twitter.

Do you guys remember any of your first jokes when you were starting stand-up? Yeah, I do remember a really horrible joke I had when I first started. It was about how there were no black people on Jeopardy. And if there were, you would have the categories would be like blind singers, barbecue holidays.

So they still kill him. Look at that. See, look at you, man. Still on fire. How about you, T.B.? You remember any of your... I mean, I started in college and I remember the first joke that got a laugh was they had this scramble light at Ball State, which is like, because there were so many blind people that were there,

tie it into your blind thing, it would start chirping like birds, so blind people knew they could cross in any direction. Oh, yeah. So I told some Red Band-esque joke, did we get a groaner? Did we get a groaner? You know what I mean?

Probably had the word butthole in it. And everyone would groan and I'm like, come on. It's not like I'm chirping behind blind people at the scramble light. And it got a huge laugh. And I'm like 20 at the time. And I was like, wow, that actually worked. And then I left there and I can't use that joke anymore. It's funny how you can write a good joke

around a groaner or a silence. You can totally use that to your advantage. Yeah, sandwich it with something that's not a groaner. Right. Get it back on your side. If that's your intention. Right. Then I had this joke about fucking mermaids

and it never... It's been downhill ever since. Sold it to some guy named Dean. Yeah. I don about fucking mermaids And it never It's been downhill ever since Sold it to some guy named Dean I don't like mermaids They don't have legs and they don't have feet Oh yeah that's right You have a foot fetish You don't have to say they don't have feet

If they don't have legs Is she not here That is true I would really not trust someone that had no legs but feet. Unless it's just torso and then feet underneath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be weird as shit. Fuck yeah.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Kate Quigley, everybody. Oh, yeah. Hey, guys. So I'm a really shitty dater because I suck at picking guys. Because I want to believe every guy is the right one so I just make excuses for them, you know? Like I had a guy show up at my house recently wearing a hat for our first date.

Wearing a hat that says cock on it. Literally. And I'm like, cock, that's not good, but I don't know, maybe he's not a homophobic guy. That's not so bad, right? No, it means he's a dick and he's advertising it on his forehead. By the way, I dated that guy for a year.

True story. I feel like it could be anything. Hitler could show up wearing a shirt that says, I killed the Jews. I'd be like, I killed the Jews. That doesn't seem good. But maybe he's a stand-up comic and he really kills it in rooms filled with Hollywood executives. I don't know.

No, he's fucking Hitler. I'd probably marry him. Because that's how awesome I am at picking guys. We'd have little Hitler babies running around. But you have to admit they'd have amazing stage presence. Because Hitler had that. He had that. That's a minute, I think.

Fuck yeah, 58 seconds. Wow. Yes. Start off by saying your internal clock was awesome because you were like, that's a minute. She just remembered sex with the guy with the cock on his head. Yeah, yeah. That's about right. All right, come on, people. So a guy really

had a cock tattooed on his forehead? No he had a hat That said cock on it The crazy thing is I see the hat a lot Now did it just say like Just cock or like Cause South Carolina are the game cocks No it wasn't a game cock

It has a rooster on it And it says cock Why am I not Brian But it doesn't say cock on it It just has a rooster on it No it says cock. You have that happen. A lot of people do. Why am I not Brian Wayne? But it doesn't say cock on it. It just has a rooster on it. No, it says cock next to the rooster. No, I have a different variation of that one.

Well, I would say, since we're supposed to be given constructive criticism. I feel like you're going to save the show tonight, by the way, with this. Well, I mean, we don't all have to be funny. You know what I mean? Technically, you do, actually you do actually not really um i would say that you know instead of like trying to think of things that are funny just be truthful about how you feel about these things so i think the joke was supposed to be about like you're you're horrible at picking guys and then so this is like oh these are the guys that i picked and

then you were trying to make the things you were talking about funny. Like, oh, Hitler are funny. The cock thing is funny. It's supposed to say more about you. Yes. So you be vulnerable. You be like, talk about yourself. And as a side note, oh, this is how I'm horrible at picking guys.

Because this guy had a cock on his head and I still went out with him. And then you don't have to come up with some fictitious thing that doesn't ring true. Yeah. You know what I mean? Or even just not just yet. Like you can really personalize that and make that about you and make it about. So like when you get off the stage people feel like they know you. Totally. You know what I mean?

Or relate. Relate, yeah. Which is the same thing. You know they can relate to that and be like oh that happened to me once or that happened to my girlfriend or that kind of shit. And I would say that this is really, like, this is a tough situation, you know? You comics are coming up here doing this, so, I mean, the people that are going to come up,

you know, come up and perform like you're in minute eight of a, you know, 20-minute set, so it doesn't ring so, like, false, you know? We're still having a good time, you know? We're up here making fun, and we're having a great... So come up here, and just, like, you know, then it will sound real. It won't sound like,

oh, that person's only doing a minute of comedy in front of these people and nobody's paying attention so they're going to like, blah, blah, blah. You know what I'm saying? So just like chill, relax.

That's not even just for you. It's just for whoever is about to come up here right now. You know what I mean? You could still... Sometimes you only get a minute when you go to auditions

and things like that. So you can't wait five minutes to do your minute of like really showing who you are. So we'll be back after this. Spoken like the only person up here with a network show. Well done. We don't have commercials, by the way. You don't have to say that here.

You can actually say the word fuck. It just sounded the perfect time. Let's go to a caller in Texas. It's naturally in your own fucking – it's in your ethos now. It's my favorite thing to do. Of course it is, yeah. We'll be right back after this. Of course, man.

Do you guys know the best thing about Quiznos? Oh, God help us. Wow. It's a left turn, but I'd like to hear it. They have diet Mountain Dew, and right now you can get a small Mountain Dew and a roast beef six inch for $4.99. Are they a sponsor of the show? Yeah.

Oh, well then we did actually went to a fucking commercial. Is that a fact? That's right. I love Quiznos. We all love Quiznos. And the only thing better than Quiznos is washing it down with a delicious G2 Gatorade from our friends low calorie G2 Gatorade.

A full balanced meal for everyone that likes things. And if you like that, then you should drink smart water because that's also something that if you want to, and while you're doing all that, go to Eric Griffin.com.

And look, no one wants a baby. We're Magnum condoms. I'm wearing one right now. Weird commercials. But anyway You know so You know That's my

Constructive criticism How long have you been doing this? About two and a half years Yeah Yeah so you're totally You know It's fresh and new You're just coming up with jokes

And you know That's when you Like two years You're just trying to find Words that are funny together But like when you make that Personal And make it about yourself

Like it's just like Eric said, that's the best advice. But it's no right or wrong way, by the way. It's just my thing. But they can have different perspectives. But I just feel like, you know. Alright. That was good. We'll be back after this. There you go. There she goes. Kate Quigley for Magnum Condoms.

Magnum Condoms. If you're fucking Kate Quigley, you're definitely wearing a Magnum condom. Fuck yeah. Oh, you. Helping me make that money. You know, Adolf Hitler was a very evil man, but he had a lot of determination.

He was a poor artist, a veteran of World War I. He went to prison in 1923, wrote Mein Kampf, which means My Struggle. Ten years later, he was the chancellor of Germany. Mein Kampf actually translates to my head. This is like dropping your resume while you're raping a chick. Yeah.

Pretty insane. By the way, have I ever told you about Jeffrey Dahmer and his great ideas? No, I told you. I know he's evil. I know he's a bad guy. But. He had a lot of faith. That's a big but.

You're still doing it. I know I'm forcing my cock in you. But funny story about where I went to college. Germany was having a tough time in the 20s. He rallied the country together. It was incredible what he did. Oh, my God. What is wrong with you, Patriot?

No, I love the Jewish people. I love the Jewish girls, especially. Don't get me wrong. Jewish girls, especially? Well, you just fucked that one up, Patriot. You know one Jewish girl I really like is Little Esther. I've been posting some screenshots of Little Esther. Dude, I'll tell you what. You want to have sex with Little Esther?

Here's what you do. Wake up and ask Little Esther to have sex. That's all it takes, buddy. do. Wake up and ask Little Lester to have sex. That's all it takes, buddy. Hey, Redman, what's her feet look like? Little Lester's. Ouch. Obviously, the teeps fucked Little Lester. No, no, no, no, no. If you imagine her feet without all the hair, they look pretty nice, probably.

Oh, she has hairy feet? Oh, yeah. Don't tell that to this guy. This guy's about to go nuts. Does she have legs attached to her feet? I shaved that hair right off. And next comic from the bucket. Let's talk more

about this rant you just went on about Hitler for a second. I can't pull another name out of the bucket that quick. Where is that coming from? Just be honest and real. How do you have that take on Hitler? He finds the good in everyone.

I'm just saying it's amazing. He came, that country was really struggling, and he was really poor, and he brought them together. Now it went bad. It went bad after 1933 and the late 30s. Kind of couldn't have gone worse. Went bad is a light understatement. You're right, bro. The Holocaust?

Yeah. Are we talking about the same Adolf Hitler? That shit went pretty bad, Tony. Tony're right, bro. The Holocaust? Are we talking about the same Adolf Hitler? That shit went pretty bad, Tony. Tony's right on that one. I mean, you gotta give him credit. I mean, he was poor at one point, and then he's killing Jews in chambers. He was a nice artist, though.

You ever look at his art? No. It's pretty sweet. Really? Yeah. It's like, what? That's not fair. Wow. Well, he creatively killed people. That's true. He liked Charlie Chaplin, too. He's good in my book. Especially his mustache.

The views expressed by Iron Patriot are not the views of the Magnet Corporation. Once again, show network this guy. He's always on it. Quiznos? Gatorade does not endorse the thoughts of... Coming in next, Adolf Hitler. Here he is.

It's Frank Castillo, everybody. Here he comes. Turn it up. Hey, everyone. I was at work, and we have to do a lot of homeless people, and they're really, really scary. So usually when they come in,

we just try to ignore them and let them be. We had one crazy guy come in, and he was just talking to himself, and he just started shouting, being really aggressive. He came in, and he was just like, everyone should buy my package for $39.95. It'll make you a millionaire. He was just getting outlandish. In the middle of it, he's like, I may

be delusional and schizophrenic But I know what I'm talking about And in the middle of it He started trying to sell candy bars To random people He was like buy a candy bar I need to buy a beer My boss was like just get him out of here

So I walked up and was like sir You can't sell candy bars He was like I know I'm trying, but no one's buying. In the middle of it, another homeless guy who usually comes to our store came in and he looked at the other crazy guy and he goes, crazy people. And I looked at him and I was like, what? You can't judge another homeless guy.

And he's like, yep, yep, yep. Well, time to get back to my spaceship and just walked out. Perfect. There you go. One minute. Well done. Well done. Fuck yeah. I see we picked a cat. Yeah, he nailed it. Eric, what do you think? Where do you

work? That's what I was going to say. Coffee shop. Oh, damn it. I should have. Yeah, man. It's the only note I would give you, bro. Is create that, like set that world up. Yeah, we're trying to paint a picture in your head. Because you'll go into the bit and all of your setup, everybody is thinking where does he work? And they're trying to put themselves in that place. Create the place for them to be and then make it funny in your personal take.

Other than that, man, it was funny shit, dude. Yeah. And for some – because exactly. I was picturing you at like a print shop for some reason, like a Kinko's. And I'm like, oh, there's a homeless guy selling candy bar at a Kinko's. You know what I mean? I don't know why, but that's just because I didn't have an answer. I started.

That's what I came up with after a few seconds. I pictured a specifics. Yeah, because you have, you know, there's what? And everybody people here that you probably had 55 different places that you worked at in their heads. You can create one right out the gate. I work at this coffee shop and this is the shit I deal with. Right. In one, two-second sentence.

Plus, we're all used to seeing crazy people at coffee shops, so it's easily relatable. And the stuff that happens with them is funny as is. So everything else is pretty solid. But yeah, that's like a huge note, right? Yeah, that was a lot, you guys. I don't think we all have to give notes to every single person. No, it's true. But I'll tell you this, Frank, you've been on the show a few times,

and I got to say, I mean, that's definitely one of the funniest minutes I've seen so far. So great job, buddy. Frank C. Frank C. Comedy. Bringing it. How fun. I used to have a joke about... I used to work at a coffee shop

and I used to have a joke about how... about how... One of my... I know one of my favorite jokes of yours, by the way. What's that? The spider. Yeah, that was it. You remember that? Oh yeah, that was funny. That's that? The spider. Yeah, that was it. Yeah. You remember that? Oh, yeah.

That was funny. That's so crazy. That was like four years ago. No, it wasn't. It was like six months ago you were still doing that. No way. You guys want to switch seats?

What would that do? I'm confused. You guys could just get If we switch seats. If we get closer, you guys could just. Oh, I see. I'm going to switch

with Iron Patriot. Who doesn't? Yeah, it was about killing spiders. I work with all women and gay guys, and neither one of them likes to kill spiders. But you know who loves killing spiders? Trannies. Is that true? Yeah.

Trannies just fucking, they see a spider, they just fucking tuck and stomp. It's crazy. Tuck and stomp. That's like a workout. Do the tuck and stomp. It's crazy. Tuck and stomp. Anyway, do the tuck and stomp, everybody. More material that I retired. Why? Yeah, you should keep that shit. Until you do it on a special, it's not retired.

There you go. Give me a special and I'll do it on there. Talk to your peeps. Alright, we'll be back after this. I actually think we have the same agent. So,. We'll be back after this. I actually think we have the same agent. So, I talked to him today.

Anyway. No, yours is better than mine, but we are with the same agency. Are we? I think so. I don't know. Anyway. You guys want to switch seats?

And stuff people can't relate to in a million years. Your next comedian is Mike Grubbs. How about that for some news? Oh, shit. From the middle. His name is Mike Grubbs. How about that for some news? Oh, shit, from the middle. His name is Mike Grubbs. Yeah!

Hello, guys. All right, so I got a gay little brother. And when he first came out to me, I was a little bit confused because I thought he was just a straight guy that liked to wear mascara and wear green Peter Pan tights. But it turns out he liked to suck dick too, so what are you going to do? But anyway, so he told me to kind of put me at ease. He said, you know, Mike, being gay is just like being left-handed, you know?

And I was like, yeah, they're both fucking weird. But then I started to really kind of feel bad for him, because I'm like, you know, not only are you going to be discriminated against, but now I've got to buy you special scissors and a special can opener, you know? A notebook so that you don't smear your writing when you write with your gay hand.

You know? I don't know. That's pretty much... So you hate your brother. Oh, you know, I don't mean to gay bash. You know what I mean? You hate my cocksucking brother. I'm a bit gay, man. You know what I mean? You hate my cock-sucking brother. You really hate vegans.

It came across for me as a left-handed person that he hates me more than he hates his brother. That's kind of what I wanted to do. More about left-handed people than gays. Sure, man. That's the main problem when you first start doing comedy is people don't know

what their jokes are about. Well, this is when I first started doing comedy. Yeah, well, I mean, what's that joke about? I don't know. I didn't want to come out and eat that. How long have you done comedy? One minute. Oh, well, good for you. Okay, dude, then that was

actually really good. That was your first minute ever? First minute ever. Holy you. Okay, dude, then that was actually really good. That was your first minute ever? First minute ever. Holy shit. Okay. Then that was ballsy. All right, thank you. Yeah, Mike Grubbs, everybody, with this first minute.

Definitely don't hold the microphone like this. I don't know what I was doing with my hand. Dude, yeah, you got to get the mic. Keep it at, because it was like sometimes I couldn't hear you. Sometimes it was up here. It was a little too. Okay, got it, got it, got it. One hand. We'll start there. Okay. Good luck I couldn't hear you. Sometimes it was up here. It was all two. Okay. Got it. Got it.

One hand. We'll start there. Okay. Good luck, buddy. Thank you. Mike Grubbs. That's an interesting name. Mike Grubbs.

European. Mike Grubbs. Yeah. Keep saying it. I wouldn't want to be a big guy with the name Mike Grubbs. You know, no, it's perfect. Yeah, especially. I cook, too.

You know, I love to cook. Grubbs a lot, obviously. Hello. It's present tense. It's present tense. We be grubbing. Grubbing. Well, do you have any questions? Since it's your first time? No, I don't know.

Do you really have a gay brother? I really do. Yeah, he's gay. He's gay as fuck. No, he really sucks dick. Is he younger or older? We used to look younger. One year younger. He sucks dick if he's gay as fuck No he really sucks dick Is he younger or older We used to Younger One year younger I mean

He sucks dick If he's gay Wait hold on Hold on Go Continue No no no You

You're about to talk about your brother Go on Yeah no We used to live together I bring guys to the house Okay What else No no no

My point is I'm trying to make My point I'm trying to make to you right now How you're talking about your brother right now is how you should do your jokes. Yes. Okay. You have some passion now. I know how you feel about it. You have some gusto.

It's all about performance. You know what I mean? Okay. So it's like – that's why – when you came – again, people are coming up here and they're all nervous, holding a mic weird and no energy. Then like now that you're all comfortable with yourself, you're like, you know, it's more... So it's not necessarily about the jokes are bad. It's just like, you know, all about you being comfortable on stage.

So just like, you know... And also I'll say this, man, because like, you know, that's a hot topic in LA. And I was raised by lesbians and I've been doing stand-up for like 16 years and I have a lot of jokes about being raised by lesbians

and all this kind of stuff. And when you do that kind of material You have to create this Empathy it's very important That you go I am not against This I support my brother I Love my brother and because of The choices that he's made and who he was

Born to be I Have these situations in my life You can't make it like You know you know You I'm saying, man? Yeah, sure, sure, sure. You have to fucking love your brother. They have to know you love your brother before you say shit.

I wanted to say at the end, and I forgot to, that I don't mean to gay bash, but I've been doing it since I was three. Because I've always picked on him. Where are you from? Where'd you grow up? SoCal.

Okay, all right. Simi Valley, Ventura, Oxnard Fuck yeah So yeah And also Write out your thoughts on Living with your brother What was that like? It was really crazy

And I actually only just started writing This was the first thing I've ever written down. So you lived in a two bedroom with your gay brother. That's right. And my wife and my son. Wow. Added donuts everybody. You hear the reaction when you said that? Yeah. That's where you go buddy. Got it.

Make it personal man. Let them know you buddy. Hey congrats on doing stand up for one minute. There you go. Welcome. Mike Rupps everybody. Somebody just yelled, welcome to hell, because he just started stand-up. Jesus. Well, if you're getting your name picked out of a bucket to do one minute of comedy, yes. Welcome to hell.

A hundred percent, dude. You're totally right. The thoughts of Eric Griffin are not those supported by Magnum Condoms. He's mgrubs87 on Twitter. Frank Castillo was Frank C Comedy on Twitter. I think I

mentioned those. If not, One Pun Gun was Dean and Kate Q Funny was Kate Quigley. Magnum Condoms. Where are you at? What's wrong with you? Your next comedian goes by the name... Corporate sellout over there. Mark Murray, everybody. Here he is. Murray!

Hey, guys. So I've been dealing with dry skin lately. And it sucks. Every year, around this time of the year, my skin dries out. And it's just the worst. My arms, my hands, my face. I mean, I get dandruff in my eyebrows.

It's crazy. So the only way to get back to normal is if I brought a bottle of lotion with me around for like a week straight and just put on lotion all day. But then it would look look weird people are going to think I'm just carrying around so I can masturbate all day which I probably also do I mean what I'm a jerkaholic my dick's so red it looks like a jerk-o-lantern candles and all if you turn off the, it glows in the dark. You know what I don't understand?

Is women, when they give birth out of nowhere, and they say they didn't know they were pregnant, how did you not know? You didn't have your period for nine months. I told you guys I masturbate a lot. If I don't bleed for nine months down there, I think something's wrong. There you go. 58 seconds. all right all right yeah you ended with a punch line there um let's talk about the flakes man because i feel like

there's something there well personally i feel like you know when you first start doing comedy you have like um you have like a I just started doing comedy cadence. Where it's just like blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So it's like not really like I don't know how you – Engageable. I don't know how you – that's not what I mean.

I don't know how you feel about like these things you're talking about. Like are you upset that you have flicks? Are you like excited you have flicks? Because now you get – I don't know. You could go these things you're talking about. Are you upset that you have flicks? Are you excited you have flicks? Because now you could – I don't know. You could go anywhere. I mean you were going – I know where you wanted to go with it. You ended up where you wanted to end up with masturbating. But you didn't have to tip your hand so much.

You know what I mean? It's just all about – this is a performance thing. It's all I can say about it. It's true. I agree with this big time. I think your reactions that you got could have been different based on a change in cadence, maybe not even the words of the – I don't know if there actually was enough defined punchlines anywhere in there. But I think that with a different – your cadence just seems unlikable. It seems like pseudo-confident.

Yeah, because what's happening is you're going from high to low and low to high and all of a sudden everything gets lost. There's no passion behind what you're saying because it's already

coming out like this and then out. Some people are wordsmiths. You know? You got a guy like Seinfeld that's all about the written word. You know? But he still has a cadence

of how he does things. But it's definitely a written word that jokes are put together a certain way. And so like you thought I can tell you thought all this out, but you're presenting it as opposed to just talking to it. Talk to the audience like if you're talking to me and I knew you

and you're explaining the joke to me. But I will say again, I've got to say this over and over again. There is no right or wrong way. The whole thing – you could have been doing like a character that is that guy and still been getting – but you're still getting laughs that way too. I mean you don't have to be conversational. Not everyone is conversational. Stephen Wright wasn't conversational. Totally right.

It's just there's no right or wrong way, but I'm saying you're not being genuine. It's not really you. Like I don't believe that you – I don't believe any of what you just said. But it was funny. You put it together like a funny thing, but I don't believe it. And if you just put a little bit of like... Because this is acting, you know, and these people are your scene partner. So you have to listen to them, too, if they're not really...

You know, have a conversation. Yeah, I need to sound more just like conversational. I guess I just need to work on that. Now, I think, if I remember correctly, your first time was at the LA Podfest, right? Yep, on your show. That was how long ago? Making careers here.

What was that? Two months ago? That was like six or five weeks ago or something. Right. So how long have you been doing a lot of spots? Not one. This is my second time doing it. Well, then there it is. That's the fucking problem. And that's where cadence comes from. You really don't learn how to write time doing it. Well, there it is. That's the fucking problem. That's the issue. Hours on the clock, dude. Clock in, clock out.

And that's where cadence comes from. You really don't learn how to write from open mics. You learn how to sound like yourself. And if you're not going to respect it, it's like, then don't do it. Like, I have no patience for people that just- Talk about it. Yeah, they go, I don't want to be a stand-up. What's the last time you did an open mic?

Well, six months ago. Go fuck yourself. Then I'm like, yeah. You know what I mean? All of your- No, I'm serious. That's the best thing anybody's said.

I did it for a living, you know, and I can't stand people that have no respect for this thing because I wrote a joke and I got a microphone so now I'm a comic. You're not a fucking comic.

Right. Go do the shit every single day and then come to me in five years when you finally start thinking you have a voice. Yeah. But don't have some respect for it. If you really want to do it,

go out and do it. That's... It's true. Eric Griffin, everybody. Very true. That's the best shit right there because that's true. I second all that for it. If you really want to do it, go out and do it. Eric Griffin, everybody. That's the best shit right there. I second all that for sure. This shit is clock in, clock out. You really have dry skin.

Yeah, that dandruff in the eyebrows is totally true. Is it something that just started recently or later in your life? Maybe the last couple years. I don't know. Were you in the military? No. Okay. Can I actually give the weirdest line of questioning ever where was that gonna go i thought you were gonna put a

product for dry skin i felt like that was going directly into hitler somehow a lot of a lot of uh guys that went overseas uh have developed like skin issues that exactly what you're talking about just really dry all the time like where it flakes off, and it's, I don't know. It's true. I've heard that. Are you from an area where the temperature changes a lot originally? Yeah, Simi Valley,

and they have weird nuclear things that happen in the 50s. That's the nuclear plant right there. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah, you might want to move the fuck out of there, dude. ASAP Rocky. I just bought a house there,

so that was not a good idea, I guess. Yeah. I say you flake out on the house, bro. Ace Samarocki. I just bought a house there, so that was not a good idea, I guess. Yeah. I say you flake out on the house, bro. Yeah. Seriously. See what I did there? You're going to be happy. Dude, pull a Detroit on that.

Yeah, man. Just leave your dog and bounce. He dies of cancer. Yeah, you don't want to have four nipple babies. Mark, if you want to do this, you got to do more spots, man. You got to fucking make it a lifestyle. You know, I know people that were managing a McDonald's when they started and you know it's like you gotta fucking make

sacrifices and do whatever it takes we're telling the story though if you want to if you don't want to that's cool it's not gonna fix itself if this involves Hitler we're turning your mic off Hitler wanted to do it and he went out Hitler had a plan

and he executed it and he went out Hitler had a plan and he executed it and that deserves some respect we might have to put him on probation talking about dicks because at the podcast festival he talked about dick molds and it really confused Marc Maron I do sort of remember that but I feel like dick molds

went better than this is that a real suit with the computer display in front of you? Remembering everything? He is. He's a fucking machine. I definitely want to put that helmet on and just see the POV, but that's TV talk. We'll be right back

after this commercial break. There you go. Wow. So Mark, rock and roll. Figure out what you want to do with yourself, man, because you could be whatever you want to be when you grow up. Mark Murray, everybody. Thanks, guys.

His second time ever. You said, here I am starting careers. It turns out it was the second time ever on stage. Well, that's what I'm saying, though. First time is on your show. I think he did better. I think he did better. I think he was better. Compared to Hitler, how did he do?

Well, you know, I really liked Mark Murray. He had blonde hair and blue eyes. And fuck, yeah. Patriot. Out of control. You know what?

I know this guy. I love this guy. He's from the fucking south if anybody ever has been. Put your hands together for Eric Carter. This guy just started and I'm excited about his voice. Literally. That's good. What's up everybody how we doing tonight hell yeah it's good to be in Hollywood I just drove all the way from the Confederate States of Orange County

but like he said I'm originally from Mississippi they think we're all stupid it ain't true some of the best chemists come out of our trailer parks But like he said, I'm originally from Mississippi. They think we're all stupid. It ain't true. Some of the best chemists come out of our trailer parks. Now, I notice y'all boys out here in California use little different words like karma. That's got to be one of the biggest candy-ass terms I've ever heard. And yes, yes, karma is a bitch My bitch And there's a few other things

Pissing me off And then y'all like to use this phrase First world problems Oh, they got first world problems If you ever use first world problems around me I'll be sure to give you third world problems What's the time? If you ever use first world problems around me, I'll be sure to give you third world problems. What's the time?

You nailed it. You literally said, what's the time at one minute? Thank you. Dude, I love it. There you go. I really do, bro. I knew who you were from the moment you came out. There was a few times, like first world problems, I thought you were saying visceral, and I'm like,

do I not know that word? You know, slow down a little bit when you're talking. I know it's only a minute, dude, so I'm not, you know, I know it's a minute you're trying to get shit in.

Just slow down a little bit when you talk, bro, but I, you know, I know who you are. I get it. I like it. Funny. You got funny bits, bro.

Like, I don't know how long you've been doing comedy. Just, like, keep plugging away. It would actually be two two years this march and i lied to him and brody stevens because i was very intimidated everyone lies to brody stevens yeah well i did two inbred jokes and they were kind of i mean they were my jokes but that means southerners already done that before me and i was just so scared of criticism at the time I lied to him and told him. But I told the truth later because I don't like lying. That ain't how I was raised. I'm going to raise you right, man.

You are so fucking funny. Yeah, well, I enjoy your personality. So just how you just said that to us, you just deliver your jokes like that. But I also think that you should be dressed like that guy right here. You know what I mean? Yeah, you. You're dressed like an should be dressed like that guy right here. You know what I mean? Yeah, you. You're dressed like an accountant. I like that.

I just think it's like a weird – That's how I met in my family, dressed. A lot of them are attorneys and stuff. They're like southern politicians, and it just got me stuck with it. How would you normally dress? If you had a date, would you dress like that? Yes. Okay.

I mean, I'm sorry to overdress but man be you i rather not look homeless no i hear what eric's saying but if you're but if that's how you would dress for a big thing just be you bro yeah you know you don't have to be a stereotypical like i'm from the south and i'm saying i don't wear nascar shirts i don't watch nascar i don't dip i mean i'm an okay hunter i'm a hell of a fisherman talk about that shit everything you're saying right now is what you say to them out the gate. You say that out the gate because people do what Eric does, which is like, why isn't this guy in camouflage with a hat that says Cox on it? You know what I mean?

And if you come out the gate and you go, I'm from the south, but I don't dip. I don't beat my bitch. I don't blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Dude, and now we're all on page. I never thought of that. Thank you. No, thank you, bro. You made me laugh. Thank you, bro. That's sort of the whole point of this thing.

Yeah, that's what, you know, that's... You got any Hitler jokes? Not this week. I do kind of wish you did dress like in NASCAR shirts and jeans because it really looks uncomfortable to me. The whole tucking in the shirt thing kind of, I don't know. But, dude, that's what they do. Or you can.

Well, see, I was raised by a single mother, and she was raised by an old-school Southern belle. Talk about that shit. You don't put elbows on the table. I could never use my hands when I held that shit. You've got to iron your damn clothes. You go to church every damn Sunday. I mean, it's like that. You know, you gotta look smooth. I mean, it just stuck with me.

And I never thought about it. Everything you're saying are all setups or punchlines. Tony's so right. He shows where I've been on that shit, yeah. Everything you're responding to. So, even if you don't change the way that you're dressing, you know, in some way, I mean, not obviously when you have a minute, bobbity bob, but you definitely are going to need to acknowledge that, that this is how you were you always dress like you're dressing, in some way, I mean, not obviously when you have a minute, but you definitely are going to need

to acknowledge that, that this is how you were. You always dress like you're going to church. You do a 15-minute set, they're going to spend their first four minutes wondering why you're not dressed like the way you talk.

You can spend 60 seconds talking about that out the gate, and then they're yours. How long have you been doing stand-up in LA? 11 years. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. No, I got my start in Hermosa in March,

but after three months, I went broke and tan, and then I went back to Mississippi, and I did shows for the troops. We had a National Guard base that did shows in Mobile, Alabama. Went down to Pensacola, Florida, and some open mics in a small town in Louisiana. Okay, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy in L.A.? Whoa.

Well, I'm trying to tally it up. About four months. You told me everywhere else. Five months, not counting the year in Mississippi. You're unbelievable, Eric. I totally believe in you. Last week, in fact, after the show, I believe you were on last week, right? No, it was like three weeks ago.

Okay, yeah, and after that show, I saw a tweet immediately after the show that said, This Eric Carter needs to be a weekly regular. And I looked at the Twitter handle, and it was yours. And that Twitter handle is at callmeec. He's Eric Carter, everybody. Look the fuck out. This guy's the future. He's like Larry the Netflix guy.

Sweatiest palms in Hollywood. Wait. Larry the Netflix guy. I've got to go upstairs on that. That's a funny bit. That's a funny joke. Well, I would say one thing about that dude is that he's got a – you genuinely like him, right? Yeah.

It doesn't matter what he was saying. So I think that's like – that's a lot of it. That's part of it. Some people are hated. Some people come off as a dick. Uncomfortable. But that's part of their thing. That's their charm.

So like I said, there's no right or wrong way. He was just likable. So I just hope that he's self-aware of what's going on around him. Then he'll be okay. Like Tony knows he's an asshole. You know what I mean? Right. So he comes off like that.

But he's right. You're totally right. I'm not trying to be. I mean, for real. Some people have a thing and they do it. 100 percent right. And even more recently than ever before, am I finally even writing my stand-up out of that voice completely? And it's clicking because the other jokes are hinting at me being an asshole.

So now when I'm doing – oh, I'm confirming your thoughts. I'm a dick. 100 percent. Because a lot of times, man, what people need to know is like people look for their voice. You're early in your stand-up and you're looking for your thoughts. I'm a dick. A hundred percent. Because a lot of times, man, what people need to know is people look for their voice. You're early in your stand-up and you're looking for your voice. Your voice isn't, how are my punchlines funny? Your voice really is, how am I perceived? Yes.

And once you realize how people perceive you, you write your jokes in that way. And that's how you become – that's my voice. That's probably the hardest thing ever. Sure is, bud. A hundred percent is. So hard. Probably the hardest thing ever. Sure is, bud. 100% is. I think the proper word for Tony is cunt. Okay, patriot. Patriot.

For the first time I'm going to go ahead and agree with the patriot. Wow. Son of a bitch. Hey look, the guy can fly. The guy can fly. You know a good documentary on Hitler to watch is... Hilarious. ...is Lenny Riefenstahl...

That's called Timing, everyone. It's called Triumph of the Will by Lenny Riefenstahl. It came out in 33, the Nuremberg Rally. It came out in 33. Okay. That's just good. Is there any modern ones where... A lot of good documentaries from 33.

Yeah, you can watch that on Netflix. I bet. All right. But Lenny did regret that. Lenny Riefenstahl regretted that she did that later on when everything went bad. She regretted it. Patriot, this is fucking bad.

This is bad. No. Don't be surprised if you get a call from Parks and Rec this week and they're like, it ain't happening. Hey, put your hands together for Sean Conn, everyone. George. George.

George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George.

George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George.

George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George.

George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George.

George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George.

George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George.

George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George.

George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George.

George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George.

George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George.

George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George. George... I went to the store today, and I went to the store today. I went to the store today. Got a Gatorade. As I do. Come back home. See this guy walking his dog. Dog takes a shit in the grass right in front of me.

And the guy just walks away. So I go up to this guy. I'm like, yo, man, have a little bit of pride in your community. Why don't you pick up your dog? Shit. Guy takes his cell phone out of his pocket. Pucks it up in my face and goes, fuck you, man. Now I got your picture.

What are you going to do about it? I was like, oh, calm down. It's not like that. Please understand, if I punch you, I'm going to take your phone. It's like, what kind of fantasy land does this guy live in where he thinks I'm going to commit aggravated assault but I won't commit a petty theft to cover up my crime

and get away scot-free. I'm not saying two wrongs make a right, but it will lead to a mistrial, and that's good enough for me. So I didn't get in a fight with this guy. I just exchanged some words and as I walked away I threw my empty Gatorade bottle into the street because I'm a hypocrite. Alright. There you go.

55 seconds of Sean Conn. Conn! I'd say one thing. I had to do that. I don't know if you're very quiet. I like very monotone. I'd say one thing I had to do that Your voice I don't know If you're very quiet I like very monotone

Yeah because it was like I tried to turn it up But it was like Whoa that's way too loud I mean I could understand What you were saying If I really paid attention But it was just kind of like

I went down to the talk And I was like Whoa I can almost Not understand I hate selling the bits Because I'm such a Fantastic writer I don't need it

Right That I I'm very kind of monotone That's funny that you say that Because I felt that you were a little arrogant When you came on stage I did too Are you being serious? So am I

And that's okay But the problem in Hollywood Is still an image business Where you have to perform and project. The problem in this business right now, especially in Hollywood, is that the pretty comics don't think they need to be funny and the ugly comics don't think they need to be pretty.

And it's like there's a middle ground. That's a t-shirt. That's a t-shirt that I would wear. There's a middle ground that has to be done. Are you insulting me or complimenting me? No, no, no. What I'm saying is it's still your job to project and do all the performance things that are important in a thing.

And then all this swagger that you have, it will come across even better and people will laugh at that. Or they're going to hate you because of it and they're still going to be, that's what you want. What I like about you is that you necessarily don't give a fuck if these people laugh at you or not. Okay, but what I'm saying is then you still have to have a little bit of a conversation with them. You're still performing.

You know what I'm saying? You're still performing. So it's like even when you came on, the one thing I liked immediately is you came on and you addressed the Hitler lover right away because that's what's going on in the room right now. And then you went into your thing. But it's like project. They still have to hear you. They have to hear those great jokes.

It's true. They're not going to be over here like, oh, these jokes are so great. I wish I could hear them. 100% agree. 100% agree. You came across with that opening bit where you kind of talked about what was relevant in the room and took that control. And then I was like, okay, this is the most confident comic we've had. And then after

the next 10, 15 seconds, I'm like, oh, he doesn't understand his confidence. You know what I mean? I don't want to say you misused it. I just say you didn't understand it. And you also don't want to get lost into a world of where you think you deserve shit because it doesn't work like that. I was just fucking around. No, no, but I'm just saying

this is for everybody. For instance, this building is just a building. Okay? And it's run by a person. And if you want to get into this building, that person has to think you're funny. It doesn't mean that you're funny or not. Just that person has to think you're funny. And if you want to do all the things to make that person think you're funny, then you do it.

If not, you move on to the next thing. You know what I mean? Because there's a lot of rooms in this world. What's going on with it? That's how to get into a comedy store. Wow. When you don't have any jokes. That doesn't help. That doesn't help.

That doesn't help. Jokes would help getting in these rooms. Come on, dude. You can't fucking do that shit. We're not knocking your confidence No, not at all Because that's such an important thing To have

I think so But don't misuse confidence When you're a comic Because to the audience It comes across as arrogance And you have to create that Like Eric said before You're in

This is your You'll get that later I got a guy Josh Martin I'll come over here It's true The twist on the The twist on the arrogant thing is since you already come across the way if you project just a little bit like 10 15 it's almost like they're like this guy's arrogant but he's doing this for us does that make sense so it's like he's we can tell he probably doesn't even

want to be that much louder but he's doing i don't know if you know what I'm saying. Like when you, when you're that confident, just a little bit more volume. Cause it definitely, that was going to be my note. Absolutely. It was just a little bit of volume control, which is, it's really just the mic anyway. You could still talk however you want to talk, but you have to control the, wherever you want to hold the mic. Um, but, uh, but if you give just a little bit, you get a lot more. In fact, I got heckled during something.

Something was going terribly wrong. It was some kind of speech. It was like a Christmas speech or something. Oh, God. Yeah, it wasn't even stand-up. But I was saying something, and it wasn't even going well. And then I remember somebody going, project! And I remember just being this person who I didn't think was that funny,

but had a theater background. And they just know the performance side of everything. And I just know how to sort of think of funny-ass shit right off the top of my head all the time. It's like sometimes I'll give this advice and it really can go a long way. It's like confidence is really great. It's an asset. Just being like, I'm not better than the audience.

I'm an audience member that has a microphone in my hand. You know what I mean? You're having a conversation with 65 people. They just don't have a mic in their hand. What do you think? I think if it was longer than a minute, I'd get into into it but it's just a minute

so I don't like haven't warmed up you do have a very quiet voice that's your thing I mean like I'll get worked up like I'll be in the back and I talk like I'm just very like monotone very kind of I'll get into it though

why do you put two hands just like hold the mic like this. Just look at the film. Turn it. Now you got it. I'll get worked up. If it's something that like... Because that's pretty much just a story.

So there's no point in it to where I need to project. There's always a point. Well, that's been something to Tony and his show and his format and all the people that won't get picked out of this bucket that came here today to do this. No, I'm saying specific to that material, though. What I'm saying is he said it wasn't only a minute. So it's like I didn't really get to get into it. That's what they signed up for.

Yeah, it always bothers me. I'm just saying you signed up to do a minute. Relative to this bit, in this minute, there's nothing that I feel that I really need to put the energy in. Whenever you're like, I'm going to wait until I get a 20-minute spot on HBO, what happens is you never get a 20-minute spot on HBO. I have that that needs the energy

and I'll put the energy out. I feel like you feel like you're being attacked. You don't have to be defensive. You're being defensive. You're being defensive. There are tens of thousands of listeners and 80 people in this room right now, but whenever you're ready to project, I guess... Iron Patriot, throw him a Hitler metaphor. The talent coordinator of the comedy store

listening from the end of that green hallway. But why would you project? You're right, Sean. No, that's fun. We'll see you next time. You're always funny. Very great material, as always. Sean Kahn.

Thank you. Kahn! Kahn! Kahn. Kahn! It's a big guy. It's a deep voice, but it's like a little tiny deep voice. He's like an Armenian shack. That's hilarious. Example.

For my next bit. We might need to end the show on that. Well, we are moving into our final That's hilarious. That's perfect. Example. For my next bit. I don't know. We might need to end the show on that. Well, we are moving into our final. I probably should, but I got a special feeling we won't. We're moving into our final part of the show where, as always, and as always. Is this a lightning round? Nope.

It's three lovely females who do a new minute every single week. Nice. And tonight will be no different. No more buckets? Nope. We're done with the bucket. Fuck it with the bucket, everybody. No more buckets? Nope, we're done with the bucket. Fuck it with the bucket, everybody. No more buckets. Sorry, everybody. How about one more hand for Eric Carter, who brought

the thunder? Sean Conn. Mark Murray. Mike Grubbs. Frank Castillo. One more time for America, everybody. And Dean Parash. Okay, so let's start out with the newest of the ladies.

She is known from her performance at the LA Podfest where she made her Kill Tony debut. She's been pretty much on every show since then. Put your hands together for the very funny Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Here she is. What's up, everyone? Thank you.

I hate pretentious artists. Right? Like, starting with the Renaissance painters. All those people, they paint a bunch of pictures of Jesus and Mary. All of them look exactly the fucking same. And people go to look at them and they're like, wow, Madonna and Child. But it's just like the one right before it, right?

It's the worst. Aside from that, moving along to another type of artist that I don't like is street artists. Street artists, I think they're so fucking cool because they have to go incognito around, you know? They have to conceal their identity. I watched an interview with a street artist and he said,

If it wasn't illegal, I wouldn't be doing it. Okay, douchebag, right? Street artists, they paint something with a stencil and they think they're sending out a profound message into the world. They think that they're renegades. You spray a question mark. Someone goes, to me, this question mark means to question everything. Whoa, whoa.

Sarah went to the bear on that one. She pushed it to the angry bear. Is that what happens? If you go past a minute, you get a louder animal? You get the bear, then you get the badger, then you get the wolverine to the face. By the way, normally it happens in the beginning with everybody. And there's another thing that happens

that if a comedian ever signs up and they don't get on, or I mean if they sign up and they... Flock of geese. And they're not here when they get picked out of the bucket, they get blacklisted and the Patriot has to go like this. That's it. Thank God that didn't happen.

Alright. So we're giving her enough too? Yep. Alright, go ahead. A lot of art. I like the beginning. You have a very interesting type of voice and delivery that's different. There was a part that made me and Brian laugh really hard where you're just like,

ugh, at the end of it. I don't know. I can't remember the exact moment, but there's almost something so different in that. You could also have things that you're saying with it and during it, but it's so real. It feels like you're actually talking about something that is... Do you really not

like street art? I hate it. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. My point is just how you just said that was more, like, I feel was more, like, passionate than everything that you said.

Because that was, like, real. That's why I asked you a question. I said, how do you feel about it? It's just a performance thing. So, like, I wasn't sure if you were going to be, like, an alt-y type comic or if you were, but it's like, you're going to find your voice, I can tell. You know what I mean?

I didn't know if you were like really, I was like, does she really hate street art? And anytime people ask that question in their head, then you know that you're not necessarily conveying how you really feel about something properly. You know what I mean? So that's like, if you really don't like it, then it's okay to sit there and go like,

just how you talk about it. You don't even have to be so matter of fact. You don't even have to say, I hate street art. It could just be like this fucking pretentious whatever. That's how you feel about it right there. Like how I would talk to a friend. Exactly. Yeah.

That's what I was going to say. Where did you meet the street artist that you talked to? Well, I didn't meet him. I didn't talk to him. I watched an interview with him. I should have said that. Which is like – and I was just watching and I was like I didn't talk to him. I watched an interview with him. I should have said that. Which is like, and I was just watching it

and I was like, I hate him like so much. There's a lot there too. And again, that's a, and again, oh, I'm sorry.

Because I was going to say that. Here we go. Does it have to do with that part? Because I have something too. Since I have jokes, let me go. Wait, was that to me?

No, no. Eric, that's not how this part works. You can't just make fun of the people. No, because it was a callback from the... Alright, no, it's all good. You go ahead. I'm kidding. No, no, go.

No, I've been scolded by the host. Keep. What is topic? Let's start a podcast, everybody. No, I would... I'm out of here. Okay, fax me. No, I agree with I'm out of here. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Fax me. No, I agree with you.

Like, you seem like the kind of... Like, you're adorable, and everything about you from the moment you come up is likable. So the fact that you have so much contention is very attractive to an audience member. If I had coffee with you, you seem like the kind of person

in an hour of having coffee where I would say maybe 11 words, which is not bad. Yeah, totally. but when you only have a minute set like you tried to set up three different things and you couldn't beat out any of them right so just like pick your fight talk you know what i mean like i imagine talking is not your weak point in your life and i mean that complimentary not i think there's something in the fact that you didn't meet a street artist, that you did see the interview

because you want to be able to tell street artists how much you don't like what they're doing and you don't get a chance to. People don't even know who Banksy is. It could really open up doors for... Maybe your new thing is writing a critique next to the street art or over the street art or, I don't know,

just any approach on how can you communicate. See, and that's what I was going to say is that, like I said, there's no right or wrong way, and then this is just a route, and then the branch can go anywhere you want it to go. So that's just where he's going with that. And I say that the thing is, like, people don't – we don't know what your joke is about. I think that's a common mistake that everyone has. We don't know where we're going to go. So that's just where he's going with that. And I say that the thing is, we don't know what your joke is about. I think that's a common mistake that everyone

has. We don't know where we're going to go yet. So it's like, is that joke about watching things on TV and people are pretentious dicks and you want to talk about that? Because it could be about artists. It could be about politicians. It could be about a whole host of things. Because that's just how you... Or it could be

strictly about art. You don't like any artist because of whatever reason and that can go a whole different direction too so it's just like pick a direction it's like make your umbrella smaller because you tried to go art and you should just go like street art or old school art or impressionism

or whatever you just like in a minute I'm a wordy chick and I can talk about anything for four hours and in one minute, I'm going to talk about art. There's so much that you could do.

That's so specific for someone like you, love. You brought up the stencils and the idea of how ridiculous that is. You're an artist but yet you can make a million of the same piece

in like 10 minutes. There's so much more layers of just that one topic. Just stenciling, you could have done a minute. You could probably do an hour just judging over that. Can I say something real quick about Sarah? Absolutely not. There we go.

I'll answer your question. Yes, she's Jewish. Listen, it was a great development this week because I saw Sarah on the Ice House Chronicles and it's cool to see that if you impress Red Band and Tony, they'll take you over with Death Squad to the Ice House. And I'm looking forward to Sarah being over there, and I'm looking forward to Kimberly going on that show too. Ice House. There you go.

It was great. The Iron Patriot. I don't know what he's talking about. Yeah. There you go. The Ice House Chronicles. Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Follow her on Twitter.

Princess Shank. Weinshank. Is. Follow her on Twitter. Princess Schenck. Is that like Shaw Schenck Redemption? Yeah, I know. Weinschenk. Your next comedian, everybody. Always entertaining. Always educational. Put your hands together for Sarah Mostajabi, everybody.

Did you guys call my name and I missed it? Did I do that again? No. Did that happen? It didn't happen? No, but your set's half over. No, you can't count. That wasn't... All right. Actually, you just made a joke about the...

I had to run out of here and go suck on something. You just made this blowjob joke about that's how you get into the comedy store. Actually, it was a cigarette because I'm fucking dying of anxiety. It's a tick of fucking hearing that. I'm sorry. That wasn't funny at all. That didn't go where I was thinking.

I've only been doing comedy for four months, and I'm on the... I'm in, and I do the potluck and shit, and it's crazy that if you think that I gave a blowjob for that, because it must have been... What did I... I got on a... basically a leveled-up open think that I gave a blowjob for that. Because it must have been... I got on basically a leveled up open mic. What kind of blowjob did I give? Did I use teeth?

Did I not make eye contact? Was it just completely dry? I don't know. Sorry, that was the moment I was in. There you go, guys. Sorry. Okay. I'm very confused as to what that was. What was that? Wait, wait, wait. That was the moment I was in There you go guys Sorry Okay Well Wait

I'm very confused To what that was What was that? Wait wait wait You were talking about Hold up hold up hold up Hold up hold up I'm not confused at all

Yeah Okay one I'm glad that you Recorded yourself You put it down To record yourself Like you're trying to be professional Like that

Two You came up here And you wanted to do something Just win the moment Off the cuff of stuff I appreciate that. Three, it's okay to acknowledge when something doesn't go well. That's always get to laugh.

That's a real moment you were having right there. But then here's the thing I would critique. Why the fuck are you looking over here at us? Don't just look at us. When you said that, you were talking about how to get in the comedy store and Brian was like. No, I understand, but what about them get in the comedy store and Brian was like. No, I understand. But what about them?

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. They outnumber us by a little bit. No, no. I know. I know why you were talking about that. But I'm just saying is once you get over like your nervousness, I think your instincts are correct. Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. I'm just trying to be in the. You're not even listening. You don't listen. I can tell. That's your biggest. That's your biggest problem is you don't listen. You're waiting to talk. And I'm just saying, like, just

chill. I'm a little upset. I don't know why you're upset. I'm giving you, I thought that... Why are you upset? Because when you were talking about how to get into the comedy store and you... And I said blowjob, that upset you? Well, you were doing a little thing and you were like... Yeah, blowjob. So why did that upset you? I'm saying if I

wanted to get a spot here, I would have to give Tommy a blowjob is what did that upset you I'm saying if I wanted to get a spot here I would have to give Tommy a blowjob is what I was saying are you saying that you had to give a blowjob and now you're just upset if you hear the word blowjob in a comedy store

I'm so mad it was like the hardest thing no I'm not you just called yourself out because you were looking at me because you were look we're not five years old I just thought that

I thought it was a fucking jab at me jab at you so you think everything's about you while we're talking? I'm completely confused. I really thought... I thought you were coming up here

and you were playing off this thing, but you're actually coming up here with world shit. You're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is one of those things where you're like everything that's going on is about me. If you were listening, I don't know if you listened to the podcast, but there was a while ago

where I was kind of working on something similar. Again. And I was talking, it's just something that I'm going through in my life, and I'm trying to make it funny so that I can deal with it and get over it. Because it's something that I hear that people say about me, and I've been doing it for four months,

and I'm doing this fucking, I don't know. Who says this about you that you think people are talking about there's i've never heard anybody say that you give blow jobs that's how why you're here can i can i say something real right now for a second i'm sorry i'm just hurt i'm like confused i'm i'm sorry This is an issue that a lot of... This is like a female comic thing right now, where you feel like the world's against you, and it probably is against you. It's hard. Listen, most male comics aren't funny.

You know what I mean? So the issue you're dealing with right now about how people are making you feel, you're going to have to get over that, because it is a boys' club. They say say crass things a lot of bullshit is said people always getting on everybody it's a hard thing to do especially if you're trying to get into this virtual club it's this is a really hard club to get into and if like right now the week will not survive so you acting like this is not going to get you in and then the people that want to get

in they're like this good get rid of that bitch We're done with that shit. That's a gazelle with a limp. Next person. So I'm just saying, just chill. I'm completely confused right now but I'm on board now. You have a personal issue that's going on

and I don't think this is the forum to bring that up. Yeah. No, you're right. It's kind of stuff I was trying to write. I'm sorry to cut you off.

No, go ahead. It's kind of like I kind of was trying to work on I'm sorry to cut you off. No, go ahead. It's kind of like I kind of was trying to work on. I had heard the premise that I thought was really funny. And I was trying to work on it like two weeks ago. It's just, you know, what's so wrong about being a slut? Like, what's the big deal? And why is sex such a big deal?

And like, that's just kind of something I was trying to work on. I didn't hear any of that. Yeah, you weren't. No, you weren't here. I know. But no, I'm saying, but nobody done that tonight. And we all would have maybe been on board with i didn't hear any of that you looked at red band and you yelled at him i think i probably reacted but i mean i know i know i have

no let's continue something i have no problem with reaction i have no problem with you having some raw emotion like you but you know you you don't even agree with it that's why you're like kind of like oh i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry have just been like, hey, fuck this guy for saying it. We would have laughed our asses off. Absolutely right. There she goes. At Sarah Dresses on Twitter. She's Sarah Mostajabi, everybody.

Can I say something real quick? Yes. I love Sarah to death. Part of the charm of Sarah is she has a meltdown every three or four weeks. All women do, bro. It's okay, though, because she always rebounds and comes back. All right.

Well. Well. 25 weeks without a meltdown. Here's her counterpart, Kimberly Congbin, everybody. Follow that! Guys, that was hard to watch. You know, you know what else is hard? Mondays are hard, you know?

Because we all go to work. I went to work this morning. And when I work, I mean like hard work, you know? I fucking get up, walk over to the scanner, scan shit in, print, staple staple, look cute, hard work. You know, big girl shit. And I'm online and I come across this story of this girl who started her own business, right?

She started a cuddling business. I'm pissed. I'm pissed. I have two fucking, I have two little blood spots on my finger from a stapler and this bitch is canoodling her way to retirement.

I took five naps yesterday. You know what I got? A stiff neck. Ooh. Killing it. That's it. I don't know. Hilarious.

One small little note because again, you're likable, you're presentable. I like the way you came out and you acknowledge the uncomfortable aspect of the room. Canoodling versus spooning. She's spooning her way to stardom. Canoodling, I'm like, what is canoodling? Spooning, everyone knows what that is.

I know it's a small little note. You hit it on the nose. It's a pop instead of a. It's just a quick. Maybe call it back also. Like I took five naps today and got a stiff neck. She took five naps today and got a new Xbox. She bought a Lexus.

Yeah, exactly. I said it wrong. I started with saying she made $600, probably worked three hours. I made minimum wage, took three naps, and got a stiff neck or something. Make it a little bit less math-y. Okay. Too much math. Algebra.

I'm just curious. So what is the – to you, what is all that about, that whole premise? Well, I was trying to make the whole thing like I'm like being a brat and saying my job's so hard, but it's really not, and I'm jealous of this girl that's napping with weird, gross old men. I was going to go into what she can write in her tax write-offs and stuff like that, or what kind of men actually call just to snuggle with someone. Okay, what I'm trying to point out is that that's a completely different joke. Yeah.

And when you even answered his question, you got to laugh. Yeah. When you answered what Eric was saying question you got to laugh. Yeah. Like when you answered what Eric was saying you got to laugh on that. All my point is is this like like I keep saying

we don't know what our jokes are about. Like what is this really about? Is it about the fact that this girl has a bullshit job and you're jealous of her? Yeah, that's what it is.

Okay, well then your whole how you express that is going to be oh, I'm jealous and then you would express it that way and then we would get that because you started you know listing off all these things and you is going to be, oh, I'm jealous. And then you would express it that way. And then we would get that. Because you started listing off all these things and you were trying to be like, I don't know what that whole

beginning part was about. Just like if you're saying, you could have just been like, I'm really jealous of this. I have a real job and I'm jealous of this chick. This is her job. That's what it's about. It doesn't have to be that. I'm just saying, what is it to you? Right. Which it seems to be that you're jealous about it. Are you snuggling with anybody? No. I was thinking about it like... Let's take a different approach. Do you want to be that you're jealous about it. Are you snuggling with anybody? No. Ever?

I was thinking about it like... Let's take a different approach. Do you want to be? Let's hear an excuse rather than a new joke. Do you want to make $40? There you go. How's that for a question? Yeah. Yeah. I was just saying how my job's easy and I'm still jealous of this girl. Right. I just want it to be easier all the time. And you're cuddling

for free yeah sometimes yeah so what i'm saying though is that like that's a layered joke because one you're trying to you're trying to make fun of yourself to say that i'm complaining about how hard my job is and you want us to laugh yeah because it's not really that hard right okay that's a performance thing yeah like it's that's how you sell that you didn't sell sell that at all. We didn't get that message. Okay. And then the next joke is about how this girl, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's layered. You have to know the... And we have run out of time. We did it. That's episode 25 of Kill Tony. I'm doing Punch Drunk tomorrow. Jason, what do you got going on? He's at the Teab on Twitter.

At the Teab on Twitter. Always on Punch Drunk with me, Sam Tripoli, Ari Shafir. Every Tuesday at noon at PunchDrunkSports.com. Tony will be on tomorrow. Yeah. And then this Thursday, if anybody's around, my 3 for 30 show at the Ice House. Me, Sarah Tiana, Whitney Cummings. Wow.

Each of us doing 30 minutes. Wow. Brian, Brian Mervis hosting. Gotcha. And we'll see how sober he is. Eric Griffin on Twitter. E-R-I-K. Thank you, E-R-I-K. Eric Griffin and season four workaholics coming out.

Yeah, baby. Montez, motherfucker. Brian Redband. December 12th, I believe, where we're going to announce San Jose Improv Rapping at Death Squad Super Show Christmas Show. Just go to deathquad.tv. Youngstown, Ohio. I'm coming home December 21st and 22nd. In a stunning turn of events, I'm performing at the Funny Farm.

Anyway, so tickets for that available all through links at TonyHinchcliffe.com or KillTony.com, which I bought recently, which links to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Thanks, everybody. Talk to you soon. Thank you. Take care, buddy. Good night. Good night. Oh, yeah. Talking about boys club. Boys club. Oh, baby.

Boys club. Boys club. Boys club. Oh, yeah. Talking about boys club. Boys club. Boys club. Do it with your baby love.

Boys club. Boys club. The Magnum Corporation had no idea that Breakdown was going to happen live on Kill Tony. We apologize. Go get it, boys, boys, boys Go get it, boys, boys, boys Talk it up, boys, boys Boys, boys