KILL TONY - KILL TONY #250

Episode Date: February 10, 2018

Greg Fitzsimmons, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 02/05/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Like, April 5th, we're going to be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix doing a Kill Tony, and then the following couple days, we're going to be at the Tempe Improv that whole weekend. So go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. Don't forget to go to Tony's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you can find everything Golden Pony. Ryan J.

Ebelt, he's the house artist. He drew the Kill Tony book that me and Tony have been signing and sending out. You can go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up your book and your posters. He has a lot of cool stuff there. The official merchandise of the Death Squad universe is shopsquad.tv. There you have the Death Squad shirt. You also have Kill Tony shirts.

You have hats and a bunch of stuff. Go to shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red band coming to you live from the road famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of kill tony give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Oh, yeah, baby. Hi, live audience. How are you?

Make some noise. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. This is Brian Redband here. Look at the adorable Josh Martin running around. I'm excited about this, people. You guys ready for an exciting fucking night or what? I'm pumped about this, people. You guys ready for an exciting fucking night or what? I'm pumped about it. We just had an amazing, amazing weekend. Sold out Kill Tony shows in both Houston and Dallas.

Yeah, like seven shows or something like that. It was crazy. The amazing fun that happens on these live shows on the road, it's just incredible meeting different characters who aren't as numb as the LA crowd. Perhaps they don't have the drive as the people that have moved to LA.

Perhaps they don't have the accessibility. Some of the stories are so much more intriguing sometimes. These people that can't leave their hometown, but made the drive to Dallas or Houston or whatever. Like those people that drove five hours from Arkansas. Like a big gang of like 13 comics. That was great. Yep. Three of them

got on. It was incredible. So those were amazing. We have other fun shows coming up. I'm going to Boise, Idaho this weekend with Josh Martin. Sacramento, California. March 1, 2, and 3. And Kill Tony Live is going to be in Stand Up Live, Phoenix, Arizona. I believe that is April

1st. Right? No, it. I believe that is April 1st, right? No, it's April 5th. April 5th of 2018, Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona, and then we all do comedy at the Tempe Improv after that. Did you know, Brian, that 66% of men lose their hair by age 35?

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I had the best meal this week, Brian Redband. Blue Apron delivered food to my place and it was, you know, they have like pre-portioned ingredients and step by step recipes. It comes right to your door and everything that they

deliver can be cooked under 45 minutes and we had the most amazing time, my wife and I. Yes, I have a wife because I'm a real grown-up, so I can say that like that. We had Blue Apron delivered to us, and we had the most fun time cooking it, and everything's easy. You just get to, you know, have fun. Put a little music on the Bluetooth speaker, crack a bottle of wine, and pretend like you're a real professional cook or something like that

because everything is just already pretty much ready to be cooked. The best thing I like about them, compared to the other guys, you can actually see which meals they're going to send you. And if you don't like something, you can choose which meals they send you. And the menu is unbelievable. Stuff that I'm into, it's a variety of stuffs, and there's definitely something that you can get fresh. Vegetarian,

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Check out this week's menu and get $30 off at blueapron.com. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. You know, they also have a wine option, too. If you like wine, for a little bit extra, they'll pair bottles of wine and send the wine with you also. It's really amazing stuff. Blueapron.com. Save $30 off your first order. The great Ryan J. E. Belt is here drawing tonight's episode.

He drew the official Kill Tony book. That's available at ryanjebelt.com. I just signed. We've been signing like 30 copies a week. I mean, it's so much. Again, thank you to the amazing listeners that we have that are, you know, so loyal. I am

so excited about tonight's episode. I know I say that every single Monday when we do this, but I really mean it tonight. We have some special surprises in store for you guys, and I'm happy that you're here. You guys ready to get this thing started or what? My guest tonight, one of our favorite guests in the world, writer and star of the HBO show Crashing, and one of the best comedians on the planet. Make some noise for the great,

Grapefruit Simmons, ladies and gentlemen. Come on. Yeah. Here he is. The man, the myth, the legend. One of my favorite humans in the world. Tony, thank you very much. The Grapefruit Simmons section is over there to the left.

Yep. And the rest of you, don't give a fuck that I'm here right now. No, this is great. Tony, you've created an institution here at the Comedy Store, which is hard to do in an institution. But look at this. You're filling up the bigger room. Yeah. We left that closet upstairs.

Yeah. And the sky's the limit. We're in the big leagues now. And a big part of it is all the fun work that I've gotten to do in different forms. And one of my favorite things that I have coming up this year is an appearance in HBO's Crashing. You killed. Tony did an episode of Crashing. And, you know, you're a fucking great comic, great pod.

But this guy can act. He's got acting chops. We didn't know. There's a little something there. Look out. He's got this very intense look in his eye. He was off in a corner before starting and doing some weird method shit, masturbated without coming.

Wow. Kept taking himself to the edge. Right to the limit. Then he'd choke it back. Take it to the edge, choke it back. Yeah. Yep. All the way.

And it showed on the screen in the edit bay. We could see it. I'm excited about it. That's every Sunday night at 1030 on HBO. If you're like me, you have HBO Go and HBO Now, so you can watch it anytime from an iPad, your cell phone. You can do anything. It's so cool. Get a passcode from your

friend's parents. Yep. That's the way to do it. You ready to start this shit? Let's get the band out here. The band is the best damn band in the land. Every week they commit to different characters. I never know what they're going to do. So here we are. It's the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony Band, ladies and gentlemen.

Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Jimenez. Here we go. What's it going to be this week? All right. Whoa. E. Whoa. Emo Phillips. Oh, it's vampires. Wow.

Hell yeah. You guys are vampires? Wow. Yeah, baby, it's Vampire Elvis back from the dead. Vampire Elvis. And then we have Vampire Emo Phillips, which I'm really excited about for those three people that know that reference.

And we also have, clearly, Vampire Pocahontas back here. And we also have, clearly, Vampire Pocahontas back here. Danny Trejo, after he got his teeth fixed. Skin looks much better. Tony, did you notice who the intro song was by? Yes, that was Vampire Weekend, right? One of our favorite bands. There you go.

Oh, that's my ringtone, baby. Damn, Vampire Elvis. Wow, I'm excited about this. Is it true, Vampire Elvis, that you died on a toilet? Yeah, but I rose again like Jesus three days later. All right. Well, let's just jump right into it. You guys ready to start this show?

I have a bucket full of comedians' names. We have Ichabod's Bucket of Destiny. Yeah. And you know how it works. I pull your name out. You get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You can talk about anything in the world. Sometimes it's an amazing new comedian. We found some freaks out in Houston and Dallas.

What's that one guy's name? It's Enrique Chacon. Oh, my God. 21 years old, still has braces on his teeth. Going to be a fucking star. I'd bet everything I own on it. He had us all huddled over, dying of laughter. Anything can

happen. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Simple, so stick to your time. You guys ready to start this thing or what? I don't know. I think you guys

can do a little bit better than that. You ready to start Kill Tony? Episode 148 or 149 or 150 or something like that. I don't know. Who knows what we're on now? 150. 150. How about that? You guys are at episode 150. 250. Oh, 250. Episode 250. That's halfway

to 500. You guys excited about that? No. I pulled the name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Aaron McCann. Here we go. Here he comes. Put your hands together for Aaron McCann, ladies and gentlemen. So I've been trying to get my mother off Facebook recently.

The thing is, I need you to all know I love my mother. I love her to pieces. Put her behind a keyboard. Fucking monster. Can't stand the bitch. Here's the thing is, my mother on Facebook, she takes these online personality quizzes. She's about 50 years old, but she really wants to know what animated cartoon character she's most like. So if you go down her timeline,

it's literally just like, Sharon took the quiz. Which Disney princess are you? Sharon got Princess Elsa from Frozen. Because she's warm, she's kind, she's honest and she lights up every room she goes into. And have you seen my mum?

She's the fucking hunchback of Belfast. So that's... I used to work as a waiter. One time, my last shift, I had this woman sit down by herself at a table I couldn't believe what she was doing she was doing this and I was like listen love you better be able to start a fucking high school

musical type sing along here because you'll be on your deathbed before I come anywhere near you I just moved out here from Ireland folks thank you very much fuck yeah Aaron McCann. Hell yeah, Aaron. Grab that microphone.

Yeah. Look at that. Look at that guy. Northern Ireland. Yeah. And I want to thank you on behalf of everyone in the club for not making a bombing reference. No.

Because you're from a place that bombs. Yeah. It's a rare restraint that we see from our comedians from war-torn countries. How long have you been visiting from Ireland? I've been living here two weeks now. Wow, you live here now? Yeah, fresh mate. You moved here? Yeah, I moved here

from Ireland. Wow. How about you, lad? Good about you. Vampire Elvis? Yeah, is it me or does this guy talk a little funny? Fuck yeah. Are you Catholic or Protestant? I'm a half a Jaffa, so I'm like half Catholic, half Protestant.

Wow. Your mom and dad must argue a lot. They're gangster as fuck, yeah. Really? Yeah, they didn't give a fuck. Wow. Was it a fuck you to their parents? Yeah, they didn't give a fuck. Wow. Was it a fuck you to their parents? Because people do that with black people in this country.

I'm not sure. I don't think so. What's your living situation? You just moved here two weeks ago. Where are you? So I'm living in a house in Echo Park. What did you say? It was a hearse.

What? He's living in a hearse. Like you guys do at night. I thought you guys were the vampires. I have 29 housemates. 29 housemates? Are you being serious? What are you living in? The Royal Rumble? That's funny because there's literally

30 competitors in the Royal Rumble. 29 housemates. Alright, fuck you guys. Wow, how do you have 29 housemates? How many rooms is this? It's a little bit like four rooms and there's like these pods and there's like eight people, like eight pods

per room. How much is rent? 700 bucks a month. What? That seems fair. Do you realize you could turn your 29 roommates into one other roommate? 700 bucks a month? You're getting ripped the fuck off. Four of you guys

should just get together and rent a house. That's what we're thinking of doing. Are you thinking about that? I use the house to meet people. That's amazing. You're sitting down and you guys are actually thinking about it. Putting your heads together? All 40 of us putting our heads together. You could be doubling your money.

Boy. Is this the most stupidest shit you've ever heard in your life? 29 roommates, $700? If they were filming it and there was a chance of a $50,000 payoff, this would be a great idea. That has to be illegal. That's so true. That has to be illegal.

It could be. Fuck, I hope they don't get locked up. How many bathrooms do you have for 29 people? There's four bathrooms. Fuck. Oh my God. So you got a lot of poop in the backyard, don't you? Yeah.

You look like you would take up at least an hour a day just yourself. Yeah. Not even though. Vampires have a lot of housemates as well. And we live in the... It's we have fraternities. But we call them bad-ternities.

Ah, ah, ah. That's more vampire Patty Reagan, ah. That's my vampire, Patty Reagan, rather. That's Patty Reagan? I thought that was Sia. Sia pet. Ah, chia pet. Ah, ah, ah. Okay.

Aaron McCann. How did you make a living in Ireland? As a waiter, basically. I just came out of college. Yeah, where were you a waiter at? This small bistro in a town called Oma. It was called Sally's. That was it.

Yeah. Yeah, nothing too interesting. And clearly there were shift meals involved? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. If you were, let's say that me and Greg showed up to your restaurant, can you give us an example into the microphone how you would wait the table? How I would wait the table?

Man, I'm excited about this meal. I'm hungry. How about you? Yeah, I'm starving. I haven't eaten since Dublin. Jesus. I wonder where the fuck the waiter is. How's it going, guys? It's just the two of you guys? Table for two? Alright. Have you guys pre-booked?

We're already sitting at the table. Jesus, we've been waiting for a waiter to come by. What do we think? We're here to get a reservation? We're already here. We're sitting here at the table waiting for you. You're going to laugh at us? Did you call in sick today?

Man, the service is terrible over here. The waiter hasn't even been over here at our table. Can I get a bloody margarita or what, pal? Come on. All right, Aaron. How's your love life been since you moved here to the States with 29 roommates? Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much. Tender's very weird out here

compared to back home. There's just so many people fucking here. You should try Grindr or Workout. Has it been working for you? Have you gone on a date since being here? I haven't gone on any dates, no, but I've been talking to a couple people. So we'll see what happens. Have you considered just standing in the foyer of your house

and asking somebody to go in? Of the 29 roommates, how many of them are female? Fuck, let me think. I think there's like, it's more dudes but it's like six or seven females there. How many of them are bats? Good question. How many of them are bats?

As in batshit crazy or just bats? Is there a slutty one that fucks all of you guys? Yes Is that true? I mean yes Really? You fucked a girl in that house? I've said way too much already No no no

Keep telling the truth That's true you've had sex in that house? Yeah the first week The first week wow look, look at you. Did you use a condom? I did, yeah. Responsible. Do you keep them? No. No, we have enough shit in the house

we can't be keeping condoms. Yeah, you gotta let it go. Let it go. How did that go down? You just, uh, did she just come into your pod late at night? Jesus, don't laugh that hard into the microphone. Well, yeah, that was one of the

jokes was like, my pod or yours? And then we didn't either. Is she Irish too? She's not, no. What was she? She's from Wisconsin. The Ireland of America. That's right.

That's right. That's right. Just potatoes. She was after your Irish cheddar. They make cheese in Wisconsin. That's a good... Tony, Wisconsin has vampires, and they are very polite, but they secretly

are not very nice. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, my God. Pat Reagan's having a stroke over there or something. A stroke of genius, am I right? All right. Aaron, it was nice to meet you. I can't wait to hear more about...

So, wait, what pod did... How big are these pods to where you can have sex? Like, is it just missionary or what? Yeah, it's very Presbyterian, missionary sex. How tall is the pod? Is it like a bunk bed? Alright, fuck, let me think. There's enough room where you could probably do this,

but that's it. Is this a big fister? You can fist the roof. Was it a bigger girl, or is she tiny? No, she's tiny. So was she on top, or were you on top? I was on top. How long did you last? As long

as this set, probably. 60 seconds. Did a cat meow when you came? There he goes, Aaron McCann, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Twitter at McCannMan, M-C-C-A-N-N-M-A-N. He's the McCannman.

Two weeks in to his tenure here as a goddamn American. He could just do stand-up in his house. He doesn't need to go fund an audience. I know.

It's unbelievable. 29 people, $700. I don't think, perhaps he doesn't know what the American dollar is worth or something like that yet, but I mean, wow. Maybe he should invest in Batcoin, you know what I'm saying? I doesn't know what the American dollar is worth or something like that yet.

Wow. Maybe he should invest in Batcoin. You know what I'm saying? Batcoin? Alright. Okay. Pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys get it? You having fun yet? Put your hands together for John Pridmore. Here we go.

Hell yeah. John Pridmore, everybody. So I was born in the 80s, and the 80s were a magical time, you know, like the coke was free-flowing, the youth were electric, teachers were exploding in the sky, it was magical.

So, uh, I'm gay, and I've always known I was gay because I've always fucking sounded like this. Like, even as a little kid, I'd try to call up my friends and their parents would answer the phone and be like is this one of those old lady bailiffs from Night Court that died? Lisa honey your school chum that goes to Selma Diamond's on the phone. Most gay people have really sad coming out stories. I had a pretty good coming out

story. Like I came out when I was in high school and I was the only one. So everyone had to experiment with me. Made out with the basis of so many punk bands. Fuck yeah. John Pridmore. Hello. Welcome to the show. This is your first time on, right? Yes Wow, you do not sound how you look Oh And you don't even sound gay

You sound like an old lady that's gay I am a very gay old lady Yeah Raised by a lesbian Is that true? There you go You fucking nailed it Thank you for being a friend Okay Tony I am a very gay old lady. Yeah? Raised by a lesbian. Is that true? Mm-hmm. There you go. You fucking nailed it.

Thank you for being a friend. Okay. Tony. Yes? This guy is as queer as a Tennessee hound dog. All right. It's a vampire Elvis if you don't get the reference, John. For people that, and I always feel remiss for the people that are listening that don't know what

he looks like. Gilbert God for your feet exercise. Or Joel Jimenez. One of the two. John, how old are you? I'm 35. 35. Where are you from? Pittsburgh, originally. Oh, yeah. Very cool. I've been out here

for a few years Nice What do you do for a living? Whatever people pay me to do Wow Suck dicks Very good Yes That's the polite way to say it

Have you ever done that for money? Hmm? Have you ever blown a guy for money? Oh no Just for free How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost 11 years. Yeah, it shows.

Very fun set. Wow, that's awesome. So what else goes on in your world? You live in West Hollywood? No, I live in East Hollywood. We're trying to gay that one up too. Oh, I see. I don't know if you know this,

but there's a place that has up to 29 dudes living there that I've heard of. I think you would go in there and literally wreck house. Well, that's fun. So what are some of the jobs that you do do for a living? How do you survive out here? I do PA stuff. I clean the other comedians' apartments.

When you say PA, you mean pussy avoiding? Yes, yes. No, he means penis and ass. Oh, yes, there you go. Which, any famous comedians whose houses you clean that we would know? Uh, no, no one famous. There are, but you won't say you have a nondisclosure agreement? No, no, just I clean people's houses that can't afford real people to come and clean their houses,

so I do it for like five bucks less than a cleaning service would. Hey, you have that imaginary cleaning service. Can I hire you? Sweet. All right, so tell us about Jay Moore's house. What's the worst job you've ever taken? The worst gig you've ever had since being here in L.A.? Were you ever paid to clean a house that just had creepy shit in it? I've cleaned some very disgusting houses. I cleaned a house that the dude had a rabbit that just lived there.

Free range? Yeah, it was just running around. And he was like, yeah, can you clean up after the rabbit? And I was like, what? Clean up after the rabbit? Yeah. Wow. Did you clean up after the rabbit?

No, I put it in its cage and I cleaned up the rest of the stuff and then I left. Wow, you are a rebel, sir. How many of the rabbit's carrots did you put in your butt? Fair question. Jesus. Three, but like the... Were they baby carrots? No, no, they were regular carrots, but I did like the skinny ends, so like, you know.

After you're done putting that carrot in your butt, did you say, that's all, folks? John, you seem to be a very proud gay man. Let me ask you a question. You pretty much always a bottom? I try not to bottom. I prefer to be a top. Interesting. You sound like a bottom, but there you go.

Right at the end, you pull the old switcheroo. Little fucking like rolly-tolly there. I'm a man of mystery. I saw a switcheroo in Australia once. Let me ask you this. What's the craziest thing sexually you've ever done? If you don't mind talking

about it. One time I had sex with another comedian. Wow. And that was crazy. That was nutty. I'm very vanilla. I don't know. Yeah, that was nutty. I'm very vanilla. I don't know. He did eat my butt, though.

Jesus. I don't know what's going on here. How about, I mean, like, did you do it at a comedy club or, like, at an open mic or something like that? No, but it was, like, right after a show. Oh, Jesus Christ. Or perhaps you had sex in the castle. What the fuck?

No, no, it was just a regular house. Is that a comedian that we would know? No, unless you are super up on like the tour schedule

for like the Cuyahoga Falls funny farm or whatever. Yeah, more like Cuyahoga Falls, am or whatever. Yeah, more like Gaiahoga Falls. Am I right? All right, John. Well, that's fun.

I mean, you had a very fun set, very fun interview. Anything else for John, Greg? No, I thought it was really funny, and you get a laugh right out of the gate. You just have a funny presence. And not just because you're gay, but you have a good... No, really, like, it's gay,

gay is obviously funny. Yeah. But, like, if you were to strip all the gay away, which would take a long fucking time, you would still be, like, a funny, straight guy who secretly wanted to suck a dick. Yeah. Right.

There you go. Yeah. There he is, John Pridmore We're going to keep flying along Alright, let's move on Who knows who we'll meet next Anything can happen Put your hands together for Steve Torelli here we go it's about to go down from the very very far side of the room almost a fire

hazard Steve Torelli is making his way to the stage a lot of new people here today so far. Put your hands together for Steve Torelli. I live in a dirty apartment. It's so filthy. I have people over, they don't think I live there for real. Like, I either am squatting or I murdered the guy that actually lives there, and I'm just, like, living there doing comedy at night. I ride the bus. It means I get to play which guy is the smell coming from. Be like three homeless guys, one here, here, here,

sitting in like a triad around me. Sometimes cute girls will get on the bus. They look all right. They look pretty good, you know, but she'll be a 10 for the bus. You know, because guys, you know how it goes. Girls, a couple notches up. They look a lot better on the bus. Girls, ride the bus if you want to feel better about yourself. Shit, I look better on the bus. Way better at the bus than I do at the gym out here.

I'll tell you that right now. And that's all I got. Thanks. Steve Torelli. Or as we know him, the guy all the way to the right On the evolutionary chart Tony, I was gonna ask if he was raised by orangutans You have a very interesting look Do you know this?

Yes, I know that You have a small head, long arms, big body I believe short legs, right? Yes. There's something weird going on here. But you notice huge fucking feet. Yeah, gigantic. Right.

I'm short. I'm only 5'5", but I have normal-sized feet. I have size 10s. And your arms are very long. They're down to your knees. Yeah. Yeah, they literally are. You just touched your knee.

There you go. Right. With barely a little effort. For those of you listening to the podcast, just picture like a... Baba Booey. Yeah. He looks like Baba Booey. Yeah.

Wow. Talk to us about the penis, though, about the size of the penis. Yeah. Where did that end up on the small to large ratio? I mean, it's just a dick. No, he seems like he has a mouse penis. It's just a dick. No, he seems like he has a mouse penis. It's just a dick. I've watched enough porn to know that I don't have a huge dick.

Oh, yeah? Have you watched enough? Yeah, well, I guess that's enough question. Because I certainly have not watched enough. Yeah, can there ever be enough, really? No, my dick's pretty average size, I would say. Yeah? Average for a guy with your size head or average for a guy with your size arms?

It's average for a guy with my size head. What kind of wingspan? So it's very small. You make my dick so big. I really mean average. Yeah. So, Steve, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it three years.

What are you? What ethnicity are you? Are you a planet or animal? Like, what are you? What planet? I don't know what you are. I'm Hispanic. I was adopted, but I was born in...

Yeah, thanks, you guys. Is that Joel back there? What's interesting is that you look how the last guy sounded, and you sound how the last guy looked. You could combine us. You'd have, like, one super person. Have you ever... Or one very mediocre person.

Yeah, oh, right. Go ahead. Vampire Elvis. Yeah, have you right. Go ahead. Vampire Elvis. Yeah, have you ever sucked a dick for blood? I mean money? No. Steve, what do you do for work? I work in a retirement home.

Really? I wait tables in their dining room. Wow, I bet you could stack a lot of plates on those arms. You wait tables, the home waits for people to die. Yeah, that's what They'll do that That's what they're there for, it's permanent housing What are some of the things that you serve at this nursing home? Retirement home

We have a menu that rotates like every day There's like a four week rotation So we serve them all kinds of like There's chicken, there's salmon There's like a four-week rotation, so we serve them all kinds of like, there's chicken, there's salmon, there's just like catering meals. You know you don't have to rotate. They will not remember what they had to do. Chicken every day. Yeah, do you go to their

rooms, or do they meet in like a cafeteria area? There's a big dining room with like tables that you go and take their order at the table. Are you ever with any of these old people in their rooms alone by yourself? Because you seem like you look like you would hit them. No. No, I'm not. Now, have you ever

hit an old person at the retirement home when nobody was looking? Have I hit them? No. Have you ever fucked one of them? No. Have you ever thought about fucking one of them? No. Have they ever hit on you? Yeah. Have you ever taken their own pillow, shoved it down their mouth so hard they started suffocating,

and then you say, go to sleep forever, and then you start wearing their skin the next day? Good question. No. Steve, what is the creepiest thing you've ever done? Creepiest thing I've ever done. I've listened to somebody. I've listened to the, if someone's fucking next door, sometimes I'll listen. Yeah.

That's not creepy at all. We all do that. We all. Yeah, we do. Right. I's not creepy at all. We all do that. We all... Right, I forget who I'm in the company of over here. Does that happen a lot to you? You have roommates or you live in an apartment where you hear that a lot? Yeah, well, my neighbor

that used to live next to me, I live by myself. Right, your neighbor that used to live... I had a neighbor upstairs one time that I was listening one time. Before you raped and killed her. Do you masturbate while you listen to those people? I had a neighbor upstairs one time that I was listening to. Before you raped and killed her. Do you masturbate while you listen to those people? No. You're a liar. Maybe I'll think of it later.

Right. When you masturbate, what do you tend to eat? All right. Hold up real quick. That's way creepier than just doing it right there on the spot. Right. Right. Wait, you're telling me you take a mental audio recording for your Spank Bank and then

you save that for later and then you go to town on it? Yeah, pretty much. Oh, that's real creepy. There we go. And it's all muffled. It's not even, like, good. It's just like... Let me ask you a question, Steve.

Answer it honestly. Okay. When you masturbate, what's your method to your madness? You a lotion guy? You spit on your hand? You fuck your hand? You go lay on your back? Knuckles up or down?

Paper towel? No, just... You go overhand? Just bare hand. You fuck your hand. You go lay on your back. Knuckles up or down? Paper towel. No, just bare hand. Bare hand. No lotion. No lotion. No lotion. Left hand or right hand? Right hand.

Right hand. No lotion. What do you do? You spit on it? Nothing at all? You just go hard hand? I don't spit at all. You're not into the whole moisture thing at all?

No. Nothing. Just fucking dry hand? I might rub it through my pants first and get a little hard. Oh, you dirty bitch. Tell me more. I'm getting hard over here, Tony. ForHims.com, dude. I don't really do this whole thing you shave.

I kind of just move it around like this. Wait, what? You wiggle it? You people wonder why I ask these kinds of questions. Yeah, that's kind of what I do. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. Tony hit a gold mine. Turns out he doesn't jerk off at all like kinds of questions. Yeah, that's kind of what I do. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. Tony hit a gold mine. Turns out he doesn't jerk off at all like any of us.

Boo! So you just... I'm a badass host sometimes. That's just how I learned to do it. You just flop it around. Please show the people again what you just did. Please, Steve, for the love of God. What I was just doing, like this kind of motion right here.

Oh, yeah, just a little fucking... You are getting sleepy. Very fucking sleepy. It's like a light stalked and slapped for you podcast listeners. When I was 15 was the first time I jerked off, and that's how I did it, so I just never changed my method. How did you do that, though? I guess I never talked to anyone about what methods they used.

It's okay, it's okay. So you rub it on the outside of your pants. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, please, wait. Hold on. Please, guys. Everybody relax for a second. So you hit it hard outside of your pants. And then you undo your pants,

maybe pull it down to your knees or your ankles. Yeah, I'll pull my pants down and then go all the way up. To your ankles or all the way off? Sometimes all the way off or to my ankles. But you leave your shirt on like Winnie the Pooh? Yeah, I usually have my shirt on you do usually have your shirt

on super creepy let's keep going get it hard pants off it's hanging

out hard sticking out or is it more up or does it hang a certain direction

it doesn't go up it goes more out more out and then you sort of just

go like that to it is that what you're telling me yeah just sideways move move it like side to side or whatever how long does it take you to how many years does it take you to come when you masturbate you're supposed to simulate like what a vagina is right yeah i know why are you telling him the answer i get that now but i didn't i just that's not my method Let me tell you what to say. Are you simulating a girl running

away? What is that? That would be a girl being like, get it away, get it away. Is that what you're into? Am I into them going away? Running away. This is interesting. One day we're going to hear about

a rape victim that was just like, yeah, he took me in a parking lot stairwell and he just made me lightly swat at his dick. Steve Torelli, I am so glad I asked you how you masturbate. I never thought I'd say those words. It was good. But every once in a while you get to 250 episodes, you start asking different questions. Wow. Good follow-ups, too.

You didn't really... You left nothing unexplored about the process. I'm just curious that you lock that in at 15 and you're like, I think we're good for the rest of our lives here. I know it's strange. I never bothered to see if that was the right way to do it. I never asked anyone or saw my friends.

Years later... Why are you looking at me like you want me to be your sensei and teach you how to masturbate? Makes some pretty strong eye contact with Steve. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Fuck yeah. Almost four now. Yeah. Hell yeah. After this tonight, almost four. There we go.

Steve, it was a true pleasure to meet you. Alright, thank you. You too. Have a great night. Thanks for coming on the show. Thanks for being so honest. An amazing interview. Steve Torelli. You learn something new every day. Who would have thought someone's out there

that masturbates by slowly slapping their cock to the left and to the right ever so gently. I mean, just so slowly. It was mind-boggling. It's like the opposite of my intensity. I grab it, and I choke it, and I...

Ask me more about it. Oh, yeah. Tell me more. I'm going to do something special. Do you guys like special treats? Yeah. How many of you have been listening to the show or watching the show for quite a while? Then I think you're going to be very excited for who I bring up right now. Getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight.

There are many amazing characters on this show. Look, this is the real-life Aphrodite right here, everybody. You know, so many amazing people. We've had regulars. We've had this. We've had that. But as I've gone around the world, there's really been no one that I've been asked about more than the man that you're about to see right now.

He's only made two appearances ever on this show. And his second appearance, fun fact, he actually gave us the bucket in which we now pull names out of. He is an absolute Kill Tony legend. Ladies and gentlemen, from Las Vegas, Nevada, I present to you the real life Ichabod! There is a coffin in the middle of the room. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. From Las Vegas, Nevada.

Make some noise for Ichabod! Holy shit. Yeah. Damn. That was a long, long bus ride. Holy shit. Yeah, my name is Ichabod. Some refer to me as Ichabod, the homeless horseman.

I lost my horse, so now I'm Ichabod, the homeless horseman who rides the fucking bus. Yeah. Oh, shit, here it goes. I need to apologize. I did one of the most disturbing and disgusting things anyone could ever do to anyone. I sent a dick pic to Kathy Griffin.

Yeah, I know. I apologize. But it was a joke, right? I cut the head of my dick off. Supposed to be funny, right? Keep going, Ichabod. Keep going. Just let him... Let's just see what... Is that it?

Oh, you want more? Oh, is that it? Yeah, well, okay. Okay, go on. I used a steak knife, so it didn't really... You ever cut a steak knife with a hot dog, you know, and it just kind of goes in all different parts? It really didn't turn out too well. Okay.

All right, here we are. The great Ichabod. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Tip of the hat. You have three pairs of sunglasses on your head. You have the look that we all know you from. Yes.

You look better than ever. Can I say that, Ichabod? Thank you. I've been working out. Really? I gained two pounds. Yeah? What kind of working out do you do?

I go for pounds. Yeah? What kind of working out do you do? I go for walks. Yeah? Brisk walks. At night in graveyards? Sure, man. Yeah. Ichabod, I actually know for a fact that I knew you were going to be here today because you messaged me on Twitter. It's one of my favorite things in the world when I get a message from Ichabod.

That's funny. He messaged me about carrier bat. About what? Okie dokie. And you took a bus here, right? Oh, yeah. It took a long time. I was at Union Station.

I'm looking at all the maps. I'm getting a headache. I thought maybe I should walk there. From Union Station in downtown L.A. Why didn't you just fly? We all know you can fly. He's one of us, a vampire. Do I have to spell these out? What is going on here? Ichabod, how are you feeling right now? Oh, great. A little tired, but you know. It's been great ever since the show. You see, when I used to walk A little tired, but you know, it's been great ever since

the show. You see, when I used to walk in the room, people would go, check out that fucking guy. But now I go into a room and they're like, it's fucking Ichabod. Fuck yeah. Thank you. Of course. Well, you did it yourself by looking the way you do and being who you are.

Yeah, you're ahead of your time, and by that I mean your body has already started decomposing. I was going to say, of course we're happy to have you here. Ichabod, what does, how do we, what do you, what's your diet like? What do you eat

on a daily basis? Coca-Cola? What a head. on a daily basis? Coca-Cola. What a head. You eat Coca-Cola. Fuck yeah. What else? Some Cheerios. Cheerios to start the day.

Cheerios and Coca-Cola. Cheeseburgers and fish and sticks. Fish and sticks. Both of them. Fish and just normal sticks that fall off of trees. Fish and sticks is Both of them. Fish and just normal sticks that fall off of trees. Fishing poles. Fish and sticks is what he said. The old sticks and fish.

He's now applying a different pair of sunglasses. He's decided to switch. That's just serious sunglasses. And then after you eat, do you floss your tooth right away? I couldn't even say it. So you have fish and sticks after some Cheerios. What do you normally have for dinner? You live in Las Vegas, Nevada, right?

You live by yourself? Uncle Ron. You live with Uncle Ron. Yes, we know Uncle Ron, a very famous he was at, how old's Uncle Ron? About what? 75, 80, something like that. He's a blackjack dealer at the MGM who does cocaine regularly. Yeah, we talked about it

before. Once in a while. How's Uncle Ron doing? Where's he at now? Oh, he's got stomach problems so he wasn't able to drive, so. Gotcha. Yes, Vampire Elvis. It just might be from your weird diet that you two are eating.

It's always great when your blackjack dealer gets the shits. Ichabod, what else has been going on in life, buddy? You still DJing at the nightclub in las vegas nightclub dive bar dive bar okay every monday and i want to apologize to the audience that we've had some people stop in everything when i said it was a great open mic i didn't mean that the audience Wait, what's that mean? The microphone works? You know, you get a lot of variety. You get like a racist alien. You get people off the street.

What's a racist alien? What do you mean? What's a racist alien like? It comes in and just rips on all different races and everything. What race is the alien? It's from another planet. I races and everything. What race is the alien? He's from another planet. I don't know. What?

So this alien comes in and he's just racist against earthlings? Yeah. All different races. Like, he's goddamn white. How do you summon him? Like meth or... How much Coca-Cola do you have to drink before the alien comes in?

Do you drink Ichabod? Do you drink alcohol? Once in a while, yeah. It helps calm my nerves, but I'm going without tonight. A lot of times I'll just pass out on stage. Really? What's your drink of choice when you're drinking? What do you drink? Oh, lately I've been looking for

good sipping whiskeys, like Woodford, Coca-Cola. Cheerios. Alright, what else has been going on in the world, Ichabod? Any love life? Any lovers that you've found lately? Lifeless love.

Fuck a corpse lately? Fuck a... No. You go on any dates or anything like that? No, I probably should, though. I'll hang out tonight, see what happens on the path. Oh, shit.

Ladies, look out. Maybe Ichabod will eat your stick. You know what I'm saying? Living and undead. Get ready for Ichabod. Ichabod will eat your stick. You know what I'm saying? Living and undead. Get ready for Ichabod. Ichabod. Have you ever thought about getting a makeover?

Yeah. Could you help me out with that? It's a shame we don't have anybody that could help give Ichabod a makeover. We should do that next time you're on the show. It's going to cost a lot of money. Ichabod. Ichabod a makeover. We should do that next time you're on the show. It's going to cost a lot of money. Ichabod, is there anything about you that you really love, like a passion

or something that you have that you think would surprise me to know? Oh, yeah. When no one's around, I lock all the doors, shut all the shades. I crank up Lady Gaga, Born This Way, and I dance naked. I don't know why, but I feel like I already knew that about you. Ichabod, on your bus ride here, how was that? Was that normal? Did the person next to you say anything other than, ah, like that? Oh, dear Lord.

No, no, nothing, absolutely nothing. No conversation the entire bus ride from Las Vegas, Nevada. Got to be at least, what, a six, seven-hour bus ride? Yeah, I'm not used to being up at the day, so I just curl my head and cover my face and try to sleep on the way here. What time do you normally wake up? It depends.

Lately, it's been like at night. Sometimes I'll be up for like a day or so and then I have to try and get my sleep back in order. A day or so? Like normal people have to try and get my sleep back in order. A day or so like normal people? Is that when the alien comes out? Okay. Ichabod.

I'm so glad that you made the trip. Did you have fun here tonight? Oh, this was a blast, and you know what? This is the world's best audience. Fuck yeah. Ichabod gets it. Where are you going to sleep tonight? I don't know.

I slept down by the bus station. They have these free tents down at the bus station. I don't know. That's dark. The way he locks it. Well, Ichabod it was so much fun to have you on

tonight you asked me before the show if after you're done if you could sit in the front row so why don't you take your spot ladies and gentlemen the great Ichabod he loves it took a greyhound here all the way from Las Vegas,

Nevada. Fuck yeah. He's got a notebook, a cell phone. This fucking guy. Ichabod, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, one more time for Ichabod, everybody.

Now go around. You have to go around the camera. You have to go around Ryan J. E. Belton and through here. There he is. Three pairs of sunglasses. It'd be easier for you to get around if you didn't wear such thick, dark sunglasses, Ichabod.

Fuck yeah. For those of you listening to the podcast, he looks like if Slash from Guns N' Roses had all the blood sucked out of him. He looks like an Ichabod. Yes, he does. He looks like a Make-A-Wish kid who just stopped wishing. Yeah.

He looks like a Make-A-Wish man. Make-A-Wish man. All right. You guys having fun? You want to keep this fun train moving along? It's a special treat The great Ichabod The bucket of destiny Still in good hands

He brought this all the way from Las Vegas for us Put your hands together for Justin Carr Here we go I don't see any movement Justin Carr. Here we go. I don't see any movement. Justin Carr. All right. We're going to keep moving along then. That's not Justin Carr, right?

Very good. Blacklisted. Is it? Is that person walking? Nope. Very good. All right. Keeping it moving along.

Put your hands together for Glenn Bolton. Here we go. Alright, so I just realized I'm just black enough to the point where Africans feel comfortable talking shit on black people around me. It's fucked up. I was at the gas station filling my car up and the dude at the other pump looks over at the guy walking in the store.

He says, do you see him over there? He is a bum. We are better than him. We are better. And he was wearing a Raiders jersey. So I'm like, yeah, fuck that. I'm from Kansas City. He goes, no, no, no, no, what part of Africa are you from?

And I'm like, what are you talking about? I just told you, complete stranger who has no fucking idea about me. I'm from Kansas City. And the dude, it's fucked up, the dude that walked out of the store, he comes up to us and he's like, excuse me, sir, do you have directions to... I was like, see, I told you, ma'am. Can't assume one thing about my appearance and just, you know, go

from there. It's not like I'm walking up to girls with short hair like, hey, she should stay in the kitchen, am I right? Definitely not a dude, right? That's a dick move. Thank you. Glenn Bolton. Is that your real name, Glenn Bolton? Yep. Really? Any relation to Michael Bolton?

All right. Fucking Tony, man. Fuck yeah. What's that on your necklace? It's an ocarina. I was going to say Ichabod looked at the tooth on his necklace and said, My precious. For those of you listening

to the podcast, Glenn Bolton has the opposite complexion of Ichabod. But somehow that ocarina makes them exactly the same no matter what. Really? I felt really good about that one and then I got absolutely nothing. So sometimes you just don't know

what you're going to get. Alright. Glenn, how's it been going? You've been on this show before? Actually, this is my first time. Really? Wow, awesome. How long have you been signing up for it? I've been doing it kind of on and off since I moved out here.

How long is that? About a year and a half. Damn, really? Yeah. Well, welcome. Was it everything you hoped it would be? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was amazing. My nipples are still a little hard right now. I'm excited. By the way, to answer your next question, it's as big as you think it is.

Oh. Yeah. Don't fix your asshole. Well, very good. There you go. I'm just going to have a... All right. Glenn, you've been out here for a year and a half

from Kansas City. Yep. How do you make a living? for a year and a half from Kansas City. Yep. How do you make a living? I do a little bit of everything, man. I do temp work, drive for Postmates. Every once in a while I get paid to do comedy, which is dope. Yeah? You going on the road at all?

You just working local? Well, I haven't really done much road shit since I moved out here, but I did that more so living back in the Midwest. Right. What are you afraid of? What scares you? Ooh, man, shitting my pants in public. I think that's...

That's a tough one. I think that's natural. Does that happen? Sure, ambulance for that. Does that happen a lot? Nah. Have you ever shit your pants in public? One time I made the mistake of drinking tequila on an empty stomach

and trusted a fart that I shouldn't have. Then your stomach was really empty. Yeah, yeah, for sure, man. For sure. Interesting. What else are you afraid of other than that? Any type of bug or uh animal perhaps or um i mean just the typical shit you'd be afraid of like a bear charging at you shit like that

bears are pretty scary bear is number two in all your fears in the uh in the world shitting your pants in public is one not in private that's not a fear at all if you shit your pants when you're by yourself you don't give a fuck well the only exception is if I'm in my car. Like, I'm technically by myself, but I'm still in public, you know what I mean? And I'm trapped with the shit smell until I get home. Yeah. What kind of car do you have? Huh? What kind of car do you have? I have a Ford Taurus.

Oh, so it's a shit smell no matter what. Yeah, basically. Basically. And yeah, I did the road a lot in that car, so it's pretty fucking gnarly. When you're not working or doing stand-up, what do you do for fun? For fun, I make music, which is also kind of work,

but it doesn't feel like work. What kind of music do you make? Any kind. I do everything from country to death metal to R&B to reggae. How do you make country music? What do you do? Acoustic guitar, and I sing like this. Really?

You really know how to play an acoustic guitar and sing country music? Can you give us an example? Pat, do you mind? Is that off limits, asking him to borrow your guitar and do that? Is that okay? Am I going...

Put your hands together for Pat Reagan. I mean, I have to see what Glenn Bolton's country music sounds like. I'm sorry if you guys don't want to see that. Put your hands together for Glenn Bolton singing us a little... Oh, God. Oh, God. When I'm home She says I'm home too much When I'm gone

She says we're losing touch I thought maybe It's better to be free Cause this woman Is gonna be the fucking death of me And that's what happens When you play the game called love She don't want one thing

She wants all of the above You can give her A, B, or C But all she wants is D A, B, or C, but all she wants is D. A, B, or C, but all she wants is D. Flip, beep-a-leep, beep-a-loop, bop, boop-a-lop, B. Those weren't words. What the fuck is wrong with me?

All right, thank you, guys. Holy shit. That's great Well written, well executed Glenn Bolton The Christian right is very upset right now Glenn, come back Man That was awesome, man

Wow That is country music I'm from Kansas, dude. I mean, that's, you know, it's everywhere. You ever play live music shows? I started doing that well before I started in stand-up. Wow. So how long have you been playing music for? Shit, 22 years. God damn. What other, you only play guitar?

No, bass, trombone, drums, a little bit of keyboard just because I had to take keyboard classes in college. Wait, you play guitar? No, bass, trombone, drums, a little bit of keyboard, just because I had to take keyboard classes in college. Wait, you play drums? Should we have a Mexican drama? Oh. What do you guys think? Should we have a Mexican drama?

We do a thing every once in a while. If somebody says they can play drums, then Joel Berg goes away, and he's going to let Glenn Bolton do a drum solo. He's going back and... Oh, shit. Glenn Bolton, ladies and gentlemen. Glenn Bolton.

All right, Joel Berg's out of the coffin. Still has his clothes on. I don't know what's up with that. I don't know why. This is the first ever Mexican drum-off that I think Joel Berg thinks it's going to be so easy. He's decided to keep all of his clothes on. His socks are still on his feet.

Put your hands together for Joel Berg, ladies and gentlemen, Joel Jimenez. Glenn Bolton. Thank you so much, Glenn Bolton. Follow that guy on Twitter. Glenn, why be crazy. Glenn, why be crazy? Glenn, why be crazy? The Olympics starts this week and we just saw the all-round

competition. He did it all. Unbelievable. What a talented guy. One more time for Glenn Bolton, everybody. He's been signing up for the show for a year and a half. Just got on. First time. Got to do stand- for the show for a year and a half. Just got on. First time. Got to do stand-up,

play a guitar, and play the drums. Multi-talented. Right? Yeah. You guys having fun? Ready to meet another human being? Ah. Ah. Ah. Pulled another name out.

Eric Fisher, everybody. Here we go here he comes yep yep put your hands together real nice for Eric Fisher everyone hey pretty much every time I come out here

which has been twice now I start calling every girl I see pussy here, which has been twice now, I start calling every girl I see pussy. Like, it's not bitch anymore. It's not hoe anymore. It's just pussy. Like, I get

pussy stupid. I just kind of just keep calling them pussy. I know, like, Ludacris has hoes in area codes, but in LA, I just have pussy. I know like Ludacris has hoes and area codes, but in LA I just have pussy. And I don't really have any pussy. You know, but it's just pussy. It's all I see is pussy. Like, are there any other words to call women in LA other than like pussy? I don't know.

Like bitch just doesn't do it. Like bitch just doesn't do it out here. Like hey bitch. And they're just like eh just call me pussy instead. And it's just like alright pussy. Come here pussy. I like pussy. Wow. Eric Fisher. Good lord. How you doing, buddy?

Did you just escape out of a ward or something like that? What's going on? I'm glad you dressed up for this. What happened here, Eric? I mean, you dressed like a guy that... I don't know what all that material was about when you dressed like a guy that hates women.

Material? You look like if there was an emoji for hashtag me too, it would be Somehow you look like the kid from Goonies, the evil woman from Goonies, and Sloth from Goonies all at the same time.

You are all the Goonies characters put together. Definitely the hair. Fuck yeah. How old are you, Eric? 24 now. Wow. Are you sure? Wow.

That is 10 years older than how you're dressed. Oh my god. It's baggy. How were you conceived? Did your father fuck a bong? I never heard that story. I'm going to take some guesses here as to your situation. My guess is that you're born and raised in the Los Angeles area.

Am I correct? Wrong. Really? Where are you from? Raleigh. Jesus. All right. Where are you from?

Raleigh, North Carolina. Raleigh, North Carolina. Raleigh, North Carolina. How long have you been here? Two, three weeks now. Right. Okay. Here's my second guess. Your parents are well-to-do.

You come from money? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What do your parents, what's your dad do? Runs a company? Oh, he works at SAS. What is it?

Computers, engineering stuff. But it's a big, good job. Oh, fuck, yeah. And you've been out here two or three weeks. Do you live here now? No, I still live in my car. You still live in your car. Wait, before you lived in your car?

Before I lived in my car. Did your father pay for college? Did you go to college? I went for a year. I dropped out. I was wasting their money. I just felt like shit. As opposed to now.

They started resenting the shit out of me, so I was just kind of like, I'm just going to get a job and not have them be pissed off at me all the fucking time. Right. Good, man. You're just like the eighth guy in a gangbang. Fuck yeah, dude. I come first,

so I don't got to worry about sloppy seconds. You're going eighth. Eric, over here. Over here, Eric. So you're 24. You live in your car. What kind of car is it? It's a Rendezvous. A Rendezvous.

It's a big station wagon. And you drove it all the way from Raleigh. Oh yeah, dude. So covered in fucking snow. I almost crashed like twice getting here. Say that again? I almost crashed twice getting here. I don't believe it. It's a shame.

It really is. Jeremiah Walker. I don't believe it. It's a shame. It really is. Jeremiah Walker, or I mean Vampire Elvis. I don't know what it is about this guy. I don't know if you guys feel it in your hearts, but I feel like this guy is a good person. Do you guys feel that? Is that just me? I don't know.

I sense a good aura coming from this guy. He seems like a pretty angry guy. Eric, do you always wake up on the wrong side of your backseat? No. Are you tired of people whacking you at arcades when you pop out of the hole? That's not nice. I just have a hell of a jerk off.

I don't need to jerk off no more since I'm in my fucking car. So, Eric, how do you make a living? Do you have a job? I got interviews coming up. Yeah, where you got interviews coming up at? He's been telling his parents that for the past

five years. Ah, ah, ah. Amazon. Amazon? Prime. The? Amazon. Prime. Really? The prime shit. River.

Oh, you're going to be a driver. Yeah. Fuck yeah. I could live in their car. Get a big box truck. I could actually have some room. I could get a mattress or some shit. Eric, your entire set was very interesting.

I mean, there was nothing funny about it. You don't like pussy? You don't like talking about pussy, Tony? Tony, I've been waiting to use this all night, but that set sucked.

So, Eric, let me ask you. Let's just tell the truth here. I want to get to the bottom of it. Something tells me that you've had your heart broken before by a girl. No. Just pussy. Just pussy. What do you mean just pussy? Just pussy.

It's just pussy being pussy. What does that mean to you? I think Gandhi said that once. I don't have a vagina. I can't tell you how, like, pussy thinks. Right. Who taught this gerbil how to talk? I've been thinking about how pussy thinks since I started coming and thinking about pussy.

Eric, did you just learn about the word pussy today? I know. What the fuck? Did you just find out about this? That's just what I, it's just been like, for like three weeks, it's not like bitch or hoe. It's just been pussy. I just think pussy. I mean, I asked him if he's ever had his heart broken and he just kept saying like bitch and pussy over and over again.

I mean, I'm pretty sure the answer was a hard yes, Eric. So you have, right? Yeah. How old were you when that happened? Two. 15, 16. 15, 16. Just growing up.

And you stopped growing right then when it happened. I did. You were on your way to being like a Ron Gronkowski and then all of a sudden your heart broke and you stayed the same size. Got back problems, pussy problems, all kinds of problems. It's very weird.

This pussy approach that you're still committing to not realizing that it's just digging you a deeper hole. It's what you call it. So it's just digging you a deeper hole. It's just what you call it. So it's just like, yay! Eric. Such a ladies man, this guy, right? You look like a genie turned you into a possum.

When's the last time you cleaned your butt? Alright, I guess we're racing or something to say things. Eric, when is the last time you got laid? I have not been laid. Oh, no. Wait a second. Big surprise. Everybody stop. I'm calling pause.

I've been blown. I've been blown. Stop again. Everybody stop. No pussy. Are you saying that you're a virgin? I am. Wow. I have another one. God damn it. I love this fucking show. I think that's about to change. It might.

As soon as you change. Yeah, don't stop. Here he is, everybody. Candy Milonakis, everyone. Now you're a big 11-year-old boy. Good job. You look like Tom Arnold's Tiny Toon. Tiny Tom.

My God, look at you. I'm adorable. Jesus, you look like if somebody made Rob Gronkowski into a gummy bear. Yes, Vampire Elvis. This guy looks like the Target demographic For Paula Deen's cookbook I like butter, yeah

Eric So, why do you think you haven't gotten laid? What's the farthest you've gotten with a girl? I've been blown before You've been blown before? You ever go down on a girl? No You've never done that? No ever go down on a girl? No. You've never done that?

No, that's a pussy move. Come on. Did you just say... Ew. Did you just give a verbal ew? Oh, yeah, dude. Ew, pussy. Ew, pussy.

It's like I would never talk about pussy that I wouldn't eat. What happened to you, dude? Why do you say this pussy word so much? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We're not going there yet. We're going to stick on the fact that he thinks eating pussy is gross. I want to find out more about it. We're going to get more to his dumb word thing later.

How do you know that you don't want to eat a pussy if you've never eaten a pussy? Oh, no, I want to eat a I'd like to eat some snatch. Wow, look who learned a different word. Some snatch. Somebody went to the pussy thesaurus today, and, uh...

Snatch came up. Oh, my goodness. No more bitches, no more hoes, just pussy and snatch. Wow, look at you. Holy shit, Eric. He seems like one of those guys that picked up Borat when he was hitchhiking.

You might have carbon monoxide leaks in your car. No one ever picks me up. I always go like this and the people will honk but they never pick me up. Okay, so Eric, you've never had sex. You're 24. You've never gone down on a girl but you say you have gotten a blowjob?

Oh yeah. Oh yeah, of course I've gotten a blowjob. I'm in jeeps. That's where it stops. 24, what are you thinking? Look at me, getting my dick sucked all the time. He's still wearing his good luck shorts. I got a really important question.

I've always wanted to know this my whole life. How much wood does a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? He looks like a woodchuck. Alright, moving on. There's not enough wood. Hey, Eric, could I hire you for a public speaking engagement? How much?

Probably a dollar. Yeah, fuck yeah. I don't have a job. Who was this girl that gave you a blowjob, Eric Fisher? Who was she? Her name was Fleshlight. She was a beautiful lady. Do I have to say her name?

You don't have to say her name. Describe her. Mommy? She was black. Let me guess. Her name was Pussy. All right, now moving on. She was black?

She was black. I met her at the crazy hospital. You were at the crazy hospital? How long were you there for? Oh, just a few times. Okie dokie. They keep letting me out. I keep going back. Is that true? Oh, fuck yeah. No!

Tony's fucking shocked! What did they tell you is wrong with you? What's your diagnosis? I'm bipolar 1. Just typical. Manic depressive. So you're supposed to be medicated. Are you taking your medications?

No. What do you do? What do you do? What do I do? To combat the bipolar. I usually go for a walk. Really, I usually go for like a walk. Really? Seems like it's been a while.

It's all muscle. Judging by that gut, you look like you're North Polar. Because Santa Claus is fat. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! So you got a blowjob from a black girl in a psych ward. No, no, no, no. In my car.

I met her. I had this psych ward. You guys had an old rendezvous. You know what I mean? We did. I gave her a little French. A little what? A little French. Toast what? A little French. Toast?

A French? Yeah. What does the French mean? Like a French kiss. Oh, you are disgusting. Wow, Eric just winked at me for the podcast listeners. Damn, damn, damn. Your parents stay in touch with you?

Oh, yeah, every day. Every day. I text once a day. Yeah. Whoa. I like my parents. You like my parents? Is that fucking weird?

I talk to my mom every day. Like, what the fuck? Eric, what do you want to be when you grow up? Like, what do you want to do? In your dream world, how would you see this whole thing going? Oh, my dream world? Yeah, where do you see yourself at 50 years old? I'd be an artist. An artist, like a painter?

I'd draw, paint, sculpt. Sculpt. Just hang out, kind of do whatever I feel like doing. Maybe someone will buy it, maybe they won't. I don't know. Fuck yeah. Have you been to Venice Beach? Yet? Have you been to Venice Beach? Have you been to Venice Beach? Yet?

Have you been to Venice Beach? Wait, what was it? Have you been to Venice Beach yet? Oh, yeah. I got my green card, or the medical marijuana card. Those are two different things. Fucking like two years ago, a year and a half ago. All right, moving on.

All right, Eric. Come back anytime. I will. There you go. This is a very Gotham City episode of Kill Tony tonight. Welcome to an Arkham Asylum. Wow. Made me feel bad.

Oh, thanks, Brian. That's a real tone setter for the show. We're having fun. Jesus Christ. Who knows what can happen? I would not be surprised if I heard a gun going off at any point doing that. You know what

might happen? Maybe a woman will perform tonight at some point. Maybe. Greg, I think you mean Pussy. I pulled a new name out. Put your hands together for Darius Bennett. Here we go. Here comes Darius Bennett. Darius Bennett.

All right, what up, Joe? Hello. My girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her because I am. She says she knew from her intuition, but I'm pretty sure it was Facebook. I wasn't expecting to go up tonight. I was back there enjoying the show. So I'm going to just sit here and wait for the minute to go off. All right. You know you're not doing as well as you think you are

when people keep telling you who's hiring like you know Chrysler's hiring like yeah I got the text twice you can stop sending me that please appreciate that okay what else what other oneliners do I have? I really was not expecting to go up.

Okay, there we go. Darius Bennett. Way you got up, buddy. You know, Darius, I hang around the house a lot during the day because I'm a comedian. Yeah. A lot of downtime. And then once in a while my wife will come in and she'll put her hand on my

leg and she'll start stroking it. And then I go and I fuck her. I don't say, wow, I wasn't expecting to get fucked today. You are in the room. You signed up. Why would you not perform?

And you had momentum. And you had another joke in the holster the whole time. You got defensive for no reason. And he was funny. Yeah. I appreciate that. Two good laughs. How long have you been doing stand-up for?

About eight years. Hell yeah. From Detroit, right? Detroit, Michigan. I've been here about two months. Very cool. Yeah. What's your living situation? Fresh two months in. We've met some car people tonight. Very cool. What's your living situation?

Fresh two months and we've met some car people tonight. Ichabod came in on a bus. He doesn't know where he's sleeping tonight. We met a guy that lives with 29 other fucking human fucking beings for $700 a fucking month. It's unbelievable. Fucking believable.

I think we saved that guy's life tonight. Do you realize he probably has no idea? Well, you know what that adds up to? It's $20,000 a month they're paying in rent. That's a good business. I want to know how big this house is. That is a crazy amount of fucking money. It's probably like a two-bedroom house, too.

Unbelievable. All right, Darius, did I get an answer out of you? You live by yourself? No, I couch surf. Hell yeah. That's what I do. Is it a good couch right now? It's a few good couches, yeah.

It's nice. I did that for a long time. Did you? I always hated the leather couches because whatever sheet or underneath ends up shuffling out and then you're stuck sticking to it. You sweat at nighttime, Darius?

I do. Me too. I sweat a lot. When I get nervous, yeah, I sweat at night. Yeah. You ever talk in your sleep? You do anything weird in your sleep? Anybody ever tell you?

I talk in my sleep. I snore in my sleep. Yeah. I fight in my sleep. Yeah? Yeah. I've only had one wet dream in my whole life. Tell us about that. I don't remember the dream, but I know

I came. I'm pretty sure that's a Martin Luther King Jr. quote. Yeah. I don't remember the dream, but I know I came. That's right. Black History Month.

Happy Black History Month. Dodge Ram tough. I had a wet dream. Well, shit, you can stay on my couch. All right. Hey, look at that. What the fuck? Appreciate you.

Do I have to clean it? Only if you come. Are you really cheating on your girlfriend? That's a joke. I used to do that. Yeah. She knows. What's up, baby?

She's here. Girlfriend's with you? I was waving to the camera. I know we laughing. Oh, okay. She's back in Detroit? Yeah, she's back in the D. Yeah.

What does she do for a living? She, uh... I don't know. Wow. Not really the conversationalist type. No, she's, um... She handles relationships. Ooh.

She handles relationships with her business. Different businesses. Is she a pimp? No, she's a... She's an equipment manager. She has a relationship with her business. Different businesses. Is she a pimp? No. No, she's an equipment manager. So if you go to a restaurant, she's the one who handles equipments that allow... Sounds like you were both cheating. Allow you to fucking...

Probably. I don't know. That's my undead boy, Patty Reagan, right there. You said you've been here two or three months? Yeah. And you haven't hooked up with anyone else? I haven't, no. All the couch surfing, no girls' apartments?

No, I'm trying to live life right now, you know? I did that shit. That shit is over and done with now. Yeah, of course it is. I grew up. I became a man. How many people, raise your hand if you believe Darius right now. I feel like Darius, before getting pulled out of the bucket,

sent his girlfriend in Detroit a link to the live stream of this show, and right now he's just backtracking. I'm like, nope, just living on the right side of the tracks nowadays. Would never do that in a million years. Well, that's his nickname in Hollywood, Livestream. I do have a nickname, but no, she definitely wouldn't leave me for that.

What's your nickname, Darius? DJ. Have you ever DJ'd anything before? Like a party? Yeah, I have. It wasn't that well. It wasn't that good. But, you know, I got the job done.

Do you have any day jobs here? Not here. I do, like, stand-in-room only. What's that? Stand-in-room only is, like, audience work. Almost, like, extra work. Have you gotten to be in the audience for anything cool? I'm not supposed to talk

about it. Oh, okay. Fuck yeah. Yeah, until it comes out and then I can talk about the shit. Then you can say I was in the audience with Dr. Oz. Yeah. Other than the more expansive comedy scene,

what else do you love about Los Angeles that's different than Detroit? The weather. The weather is nice. It doesn't rain that much. Yeah. That's cool. What do you tend to do during your days here? I sleep.

Yeah. Yeah, I masturbate. Sleep and masturbate. Yeah, so I don't cheat on my lady. I masturbate a lot. What time do you usually sleep until? 12. Again, anytime I don't cheat on my lady. I masturbate a lot. What time do you usually sleep until? 12. Again, anytime you want to stay on my couch,

I mean, it sounds like you'd be a great guest to have around the house. I'm sure Mrs. Fitzsimmons and the kids would love to see Darius masturbating on your couch at 11.59. I appreciate the offer, man. I definitely do. I definitely appreciate that.

What I love is that I can tell that you're actually picturing what it would look like. Yeah, right. My wife finally hits on me and Darius is just waking up. No, you look good. You don't want me at your house, man. Your jacket is crisp. It looks good. You don't want me at your house, man.

Your jacket is crisp. It looks good. You don't look like somebody who's stuffing his clothes into a bag every day and having to move to another couch. No, well, you know, when you're from Detroit, you stay clean no matter what's happening.

You understand? Right. Yeah. I'm living out a suitcase, but, you know, make it work. Yeah. You wouldn't know that. How big is the suitcase?

The suitcase is about that big wait what the fuck is that what do you mean this is a small compact suitcase that's the tiniest goddamn suitcase i've ever seen right you gotta know how to fold your shit up you know you never know you might have to spend the night in somebody's house on somebody's couch or some shit so do you you have a car then obviously i don't don't. So how do you get from house to house and club to club? Public transit. Taking the bus like Ichabod.

We got public transit back in the D. So, you know, it's nothing. Uber is very expensive. If you were sitting on a bus next to Ichabod, what would you say to him? I wouldn't say anything to him. Darius, come back, sign up for the show again soon, will you?

Right on, man. There he is, Darius Bennett. Shocked that he got up. Couple really funny jokes. Had a little meltdown at about 30 seconds in, but then he pulled it back out again. We call that the old Sully Sullenberger. Yeah, the Sully Sullenberger. He pulled it in Detroit style. Takeoff was good.

Middle a little bit rough. Nice landing. Nice landing, yeah. How about another special treat before we go back to the Bucky? You guys like special treats? Alright, well here's another one. He's one of our favorite people on this show. You've seen him here before. Another Before we go back to the Bucky, you guys like special treats? All right. Well, here's another one. He's one of our favorite people on this show.

You've seen him here before. Another brand new minute from the stylings of Jackass' own Wee Man, everybody. Holy shit. It's the real Wee Man. How many Jackass fans are out there, huh? Yeah, baby. Here he is. Yeah.

I have an 11-inch rod. It's right here in my femur. I spiral fractured it a long time ago. The best time I have with it is going through TSA when I'm traveling all the time. And it's like, I should just pretty much be naked, because every time I go through it's like, beep, beep! And everybody looks. They're like, they're filming, they're filming.

Watch. And you just see everybody watching. And I'm like, go ahead. So I'm standing there. And it comes on the screen now. And it's all over. Like, I have blotches on my wrist and everywhere. But it's really heavy right here. So then they're, well, we're going to have to check you. And it's going to be a male.

Hey, Jim, come over here. Jim comes over. And he puts the gloves on. And he's seriously, like, he's in. And I'm just standing there like, mm-hmm, OK. And people are like, no, they're filming. They filming they are what are they doing what's going on what's he gonna do and I'm just like nope just to you know have a cavity check every time I travel TSA here I go fuck yeah Wee Man a new minute from Wee Man. A new minute from Wee Man.

Wow. You are so cool. No. Let me ask you this. What was the injury that happened when you got the new Robin? I was drinking. I had a buddy come out and we were doing some magazine interview and we were drinking all day. And I thought we're done with the interview so we'll just keep drinking

and I got a call from another guy. What were you drinking? Little airplane bottles of liquor? The Jack Daniels that come this size. That's what I was drinking. Two, three of those and I'm good. What happened? I got a call from a buddy and said hey we're night skating our

mini ramp. We got lights and everything. Bring your interview guy over. Let's get some photos. Yeah. And I'm wasted pretty much. And I go, man, we're going to kill it. And I go up. I don't know how many people know about skateboarding, but I just go up for a basic trick where you put both trucks on.

You lock up 50-50. Well, I only put one on. And I took this foot off to jump off the ramp. Well, it got caught on the top and I twisted over like this and fell to the bottom of the ramp. And when I was laying down there, my foot was turned behind me

because it spiral fractured it. Right. Yeah, and so then... That must have been scary to look down there and see that size three all twisted around like that. Three? It's a seven. Come on. Give me a chance.

And mine is closer to my knee than yours is. That is true. I love that. Pony, though. Pony. I'd love to see you skateboard. You're like Tony Hawk if he was the size of an actual hawk. I love that. Pony, though. Pony. I'd love to see you skateboard.

You're like Tony Hawk if he was the size of an actual hawk. Hey, look at that. A real hawk sound effect. Yep. Greg, this is your first time seeing Wee Man. Yeah, I enjoyed it. Positive energy. I love your energy.

And I just think that if you're gonna go through airport security you know they're gonna pat you down put treats on your body you know put like a candy bar up your ass

and put put like you know candy corns on your ball sack give them give them something to work for I would

but then people would really think they are filming like I seriously get it no I'm not even kidding people would really think they are filming. I seriously get it. No, I'm not even kidding. People in line are like, yeah, of course. They're coming. They are.

Where's the cameras? You see it all the time. Do you get people asking for selfies constantly? All the time. Yeah. All the time. But it works out good, too. Me and my lady were at dinner the other night,

and it's the funniest thing. A guy comes up and he's like jason akuna big fan and i'm like okay cool and he goes can i get us you know phone like all right takes and he goes is this all you guys are drinking we're having a bottle of wine i'm like yeah he goes i'll get you another i'm like thanks nice so fuck yeah it's a good time um you fly a lot? I'm flying weekly. There's something always going on.

What do you fly? What's your airline of choice? I love Virgin. Virgin's my favorite. But for me, it's cool because... We had a Virgin up here earlier. Who doesn't want to fly a Virgin? You know what I mean?

He didn't fly. He drove from Rowlett, North Carolina. But then you broke his spirit. We'll probably be united again someday. Goodbye, Paul. Do you like Virgin because of all the extra legroom that you get? Yeah, because I can sit in the back in economy, and I seriously put my feet up against the chair in front of me.

And you can tell people are walking by. I'm like, no, first class for me, any seat. Fuck yeah. I love that. And it's funny. People are like, why aren't you up there? I'm like, why? I'll spend that money somewhere else.

I'm sitting back here. I'm fine. Right, exactly. Fully extended. Yep. So what do you do when you're flying around all the time? Is it like public appearance events? Some are public appearance.

Some are skate tours. Some are, I own restaurants, Chronic Tacos. Oh, yeah. Chronic Tacos. Chronic Tacos. What cities are those in? There's one in Burbank. Burbank.

Yeah. Okay. Glendale, all over. Glendale, Burbank, check out. Long Beach. Chronic Tacos, Long Beach. They're all the way in North Carolina. We just opened up Hawaii.

March 1st, we're about to go international. We do Japan. Wow. You're making some fucking money, huh? Are you going to fly to Japan? Yeah, I'm going to Japan. Wow. I've been there like 12 times already.

Wow, that is so cool. Japan is beautiful. Japan is like Disneyland. There's no litter on the ground. Everybody's cool. It's awesome. And they're all your size. Until I put the big cone on.

Then they're like, what the fuck? I love that. It's one of my favorite things I've ever seen in my life. Godzilla's going to be really big. Alright. Well, Wee Man, what else is going on? Anything else cool happening in life lately? Or anything else you want to chat about?

Anything weird about you? There's always something weird. Yeah, what else is there? What haven't we talked about with you? I don't know. Are you smoking weed, too? No. No weed.

Just drink a lot. No, I don't drink a lot, either. I haven't drank for a while. I just started having wine here and there. Yeah, I was like, I got fucked up four years ago, like twice in the hospital. And so I cut it out. What happened? Super wasted out with the boys.

And then next thing you know, waking up in the hospital with a tube down your throat. Wow. Just because like. Overdone. Just full overdone. Alcohol poisoning. Oh, yeah. Wow.

Like how much if you remember, like how many drinks do you think you had? Two shot glasses? We were mixing. No. We were starting at two, drinking beers, taking shots, mixing wine, being out. So like 10, 15, 20 drinks we're talking? More. More.

Wow. And going home in an Uber, pissing off all my neighbors, trying to get into my own house, and like, fuck everybody! Cops come. What a jackass. Yeah. Well, we, man, we absolutely love you here. Come back anytime.

Love you guys. Jason Acuna, ladies and gentlemen. Check out Chronix Tacos. Burbank, Long Beach, Glendale, North Carolina. Tobank, Long Beach, Glendale, North Carolina. To our listeners in Japan. Some noise one more time for Wee Man, the great Jason Akuna. What do you say we go back to the bucket one more time, huh? It's a fun episode.

Oh, fuck yeah. I'm having fun. You having fun Greg? It's been a wild ride I mean Jesus Christ The crazy guy Remember the crazy guy? There's been a few of them

I'm just kidding I pulled another name out of the bucket Let's see what happens here Put your hands together for Tyson Fafer Tyson Fafer from the farthest possible corner He's got a nice steady jog happening. He's got a good pace. Here he is. Did the one hand clap and here he comes. Tyson Pfeiffer, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, guys? I'm in my early to mid-late 30s. I have my life together enough to have a dog.

I got a rescue dog. Guys, give it up for rescue dogs. If you love dogs, yes, you should adopt. Don't shop. I rescued the breed that needs to be adopted the most, which is the... the pit bull. Yes, thank you. I adopted a pit bull. I named him Mr. Worldwide. Here's the thing that sucks about owning a pit bull is no one wants to rent you an apartment, all right?

That's the problem. Owning a pit bull is like having a roommate with shitty credit, right? Nobody wants you in the building. But I found a loophole to the system, all right? I found the problem. I can solve the problem to all the puppy prejudice. I got my little pit bull, little blonde wig, and now I take him with me to all the apartments. He walks right in.

He sits down. He smiles. When the apartment manager is like, is that your dog? Is that a pit bull? Is he going to live here? I'm like, yes, that's a pit bull, but you can clearly see he's wearing a little blonde wig.

He now identifies as a golden retriever. He's transitioning. You're going to tell him what puppy he is on the inside? This guy needs a little bit of help. Plenty on that. Tyson Pfeiffer. Yes. Hello. Hello. How are you? I'm doing well.

It's your first time on the show, right? It is, yeah. I've been here. Did you say that you're in your early to mid to late 30s? Early to mid to late 30s. Yes, ladies, you can use that one. What is that? I'm 37. Oh, okay. How long have you lived in LA? This week is one year. Very nice. Yeah, I'm from Dallas Comic, okay. Yeah. How long have you lived in L.A.? This week is one year. Very nice.

Yeah, I'm from Dallas Comic. You were just there. Yeah? Yes, I was. I was just there yesterday. Did you used to host American Idol? The Voice. Okay. Thank you.

Vampire Elvis. I'm surprised you keep up with contemporary television. Oh, I love music. Tyson Pfeiffer. Pfeiffer, yeah, it's a crazy spelling. Like, I was gonna do it phonetically for you guys, but I was like, fuck it, let him fuck it up. You wait tables? I do not. I've never waited tables. What do you do

for work? Stand-up full-time. I'm bad at acting. Really? Yeah. How long have you been doing just stand-up? Stand-up full-time for about four years. I just hit nine years doing stand-up total, though. So how do you make a living doing it? Like what do you do to make a living?

You headline clubs? I feature. I headline small rooms, but yeah, feature. I work in Texas a lot. What does a feature make on the road these days? Not enough. That's my question is how do you make a living? I sell a lot of T-shirts. Oh, you do?

Yeah. What do your T-shirts say? I sell a lot of T-shirts. Oh, you do? Yeah. What do your T-shirts say? I have a joke about how I love titties, and my T-shirts say hashtag titties, but there's a hidden screen print, so you flip it up, and it's got titties underneath. That's hilarious. Can I get one? Yeah, you can. Elvis, what size are you?

Pop one out for you. Triple XL. Okay. So what's the last paid gig that you had? I just did the Secret Room in Houston. I just got back from Houston.

You did that solo? No, it was three comics. I closed it out. It was a Sunday. It wasn't a big show. How did you get people there? How did people know you? It was sold out. It wasn't like a big show. Right. So how did you get people there? How did people know you? It was sold out. American Ninja Warrior.

I've been on the show twice. There we go. Now we're getting somewhere with this interview. Very good. American Ninja Warrior. You've been on that show twice. Twice, yeah. And you compete.

And how did you get far? I did really well. Season six in Dallas. Can we find you? Can we find one of your performances if we look up your name and type in Ninja Warrior? Just Google Tyson, American Ninja Warrior. I'm the only Tyson ever on the show.

Wow. I was the first comedian. That's another broken record in Ninja Warrior history. The only Tyson. I was the first comedian on the show, so that's how I got on. That's my story. Oh, wow.

I didn't even know Matt Eisman. There we go. That's not from the show, but that's just some YouTube stuff on there. Very interesting. I think my clip from the show is Did you complete the course? No, I fell on number five out of six.

Wow, what was number five? Balance beam? No, not the balance beam. The monkey bars? It was the similar. You hold these rings and you gotta swing and hook them onto pegs. I know about the swing rings. Not a lot of people know this, but I do the Ninja Warrior course daily just for my own health. Is this you wearing a wig and stuff like that?

Yeah, that was season seven. Oh, I get it. You're the wacky Ninja Warrior guy. Yeah, that was one of my characters. Is that the titty shirt? No, that's just a tank top. Wow, look at you. So that was in Houston.

That was actually in the rain. I didn't do very well. That's the second obstacle right there. How long ago were you on Ninja Warrior? That was 2015. 2015. Yeah. Who would have guessed?

I was on 2014, 2015. And actually, maybe back this year, they like another one of my characters. Interesting. Interesting. Do people recognize you when you walk down the street? No, I'm not that famous from the show but big fans of the show will recognize me. What about when you parkour down the street? Oh yes, that's what I do.

I just leaps and bounds. Do you stay in shape for that? Do you train? Yeah, my background is fitness so I used to do personal training and competitions and I owned a studio you live here in la for you said almost a year now right yeah this friday what's your living situation that seems i have only one roommate and i have one roommate in van nuys one roommate in van nuys one bedroom or two two bedroom two bedrooms so you each have a bed we each have a bedroom only one bathroom features salary i know he's doing pretty good for a feature because you got to fly yourself in

and you're only making what five six hundred bucks a week yeah at an improv yeah at a smaller club less than that and then they put you up and you got to buy the plane ticket right um depends who you're working with yeah but usually yeah you got to get yourself there. So those T-shirt sales are good. Yeah. I'm lucky. I can do about 1,000 a weekend in T-shirts. There we go. Now we've broken through.

Wow, there you go. But still, that still takes some pretty tight budgeting on your part. Oh, for sure. Did you know that you can save $30 off your first Blue Apron order right now? Oh, $30. Let's do it. Slash kill, $30. I mean, you're going to eat food anyway.

Why not? Yeah. Why not have it shipped and I can cook it in the kitchen right there? It feels good. It's an entire experience. It's healthy. It'll make your apartment smell good. Okay.

Yeah, but where is he going to find a promo code to get that? Well, it's super easy. If you just type in the... If you just... Type in kill Tony. Yeah. 15% off. It's the wrong stack of paper,

but it is slash... That's... All right. Do they deliver... It would be the last piece of paper I look at, but it is slash Kill Tony. Blueapron.com slash Kill Tony. $30 off your first order. I will do that, yeah.

$30 off. Do they deliver till I get home? They deliver everywhere. Even to band nines. Till I get home. Hell yeah. Even to band nights. Hell yeah. What else do you do for fun or any other hobbies? What do you do to kill time when you're not doing stand-up

and not training for Ninja Warrior? I do bad acting. I've been on every reality dating show. Like what? Love Connection, Millionaire Matchmaker, The Steve Harvey Show. You keep saying bad acting as if your stand-up is good. Did you get far in any of these shows?

You always just make it to level five out of six and everything? Then I'm out, yeah. Did you fall off the monkey bars in Love Connection? No, I did not. They didn't have monkey bars for me. What happened on Love Connection? No, I did not. They didn't have monkey bars for me. What happened on Love Connection? Where did you go on your date?

We went to some bar, and we had drinks, and then we went to a stand-up show, and she didn't know I was a comedian, and they just called me up on stage, and I did a set. And that's when the date was canceled. Did you bomb? Yes. Did you bomb?

No, she did pretty well. I was worried because it was like an all-female lineup and then they threw me up there. The correct terminology is all-pussy lineup. It was an all-pussy lineup and then me. Was the girl

cute? Not really. Not really. You didn't really want to hook up with her? Yeah, the show... I did the pilot episode for Love Connection, so that one didn't air. She picked me as her love connection, but then I called her a robot in the little behind the scenes.

I was like, I feel like I was on a date with a robot, and then she dumped me for the money and the audience pick. So you did the pilot for Love Connection, but it didn't air. I guess it was a direct flight. It didn't make air. Elvis, Dracula, man, baby. That's what it is. Bloodsucker Patty Reagan right there.

So does this mean you're, can you do The Bachelor? Like, is this all training for The Bachelor someday? The Bachelor has reached out to me several times, but they didn't want somebody that worked in entertainment full time. you do the bachelor? Is this all training for the bachelor someday? The bachelor has reached out to me several times, but they didn't want somebody that worked in entertainment full-time. That's what they told me. Do you ever miss the rest of Maroon 5? He already did that joke.

Oh, really? Did I miss it? Yours was better, Tony. He thought it was American Idol instead of The Voice. Oh, I see. I got you. Sometimes I just roll with it. I don't even know what they're talking about. Yours was better. It was accurate.

Thank you. Yeah, so then Millionaire Matchmaker and Soul Pancake. What's something that you're embarrassed about about yourself? You seem like such a cool guy. You have this exterior, but I feel like there's a little vulnerability there. What don't you like about yourself? You seem like such a cool guy. You have this exterior, but I feel like there's a little vulnerability there. What don't you like about yourself? What do I not like about myself? Tell us your darkest secrets

on the live podcast. When you put it like that, Vampire Elvis. I don't think I have any really deep, dark secrets. Of course, now you don't. Dating in LA has not gone very well. Why is that? I don't know.

L.A. no more hound dog. Wow, really forced that one in there. He wanted the hound dog reference. Wap-ba-ba-doo-lap-ba-da-ba-boo. I don't know. It's just been very's been just very interesting a lot of ghosting

from the girl so we didn't really have that in Texas I had girlfriends that lived out of state before too and never experienced that you come to LA you'll meet somebody and they'll exchange numbers and they'll be like hey let's meet up and you never hear from them again it's like an LA phenomenon

last time that that happened to you what was the date that you went on like where'd you go with the girl no this is like before so like you meet somebody and you exchange numbers or whatever and then you're like making plans and then like they'll just like never you don't even get to go on the date yeah well i've been on some but it's just yeah just ghosts they're just gone even the virgins getting his dick sucked, dude. Can't even get you face-to-face with these people. Yeah, and then they text back, like, hey, when you want to meet up? You got to do the whole, like, new phone, who dis?

No, I don't. Well, you don't have to do that. You're married, right? Yeah. You don't have to worry about that. You know where she lives. Yep. Thank you, Tyson. Yeah.

Just bad jokes. That's all we're doing. Just bad jokes is all we're doing. No, that's all you're doing. I'm doing fine. I had a fun episode today. It was compelling. Met a lot of good characters. There he goes. Tyson Pfeiffer.

Pfeiffer, yeah. Tyson Pfeiffer. There he goes. Episode one. Episode 250 of Kill Tony. Halfway to 500. There's a new drawing from Ryan J. E. Bell. Check this out, Greg.

Look at this monster. Look what he's able to do. There's Ichabod up there, Jolberg, fucking Patty Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, a cat, Brian Redman, you, and myself. I love it. Not only can you catch me and Greg Fitzsimmons on Ryan J. E. Belt's drawings

and in the official Kill Tony book available at ryanjebelt.com. He should show you a copy of that after this show. I think you'd really dig it. You're in, obviously, a few pictures there. But you can also catch us and Jeremiah Watkins on this season of Crashing on HBO. Not only is Greg on it, he also wrote it.

Judd Apatow. Judd Apatow, Pete Holmes on there once in a while. Pete Holmes is the star. Judd Apatow directs it. Greg Fitzsimmons is the writer. He's on it. And I'm on the season finale, but why not catch up on all the episodes? HBO Go, HBO Now, and HBO Sundays at 1030.

Yes. What else you got coming up, Greg? Well, I got this weekend Lexington, Kentucky, everybody. Comedy Off-Broadway. And then, well, St. Louis on Valentine's Day. You doing helium there? Helium.

St. Louis. And then the week after that I'll be at Bananas in Hasbro Heights, New Jersey. February 23rd and 24th. Fuck yeah. Very romantic that weekend too. What's your website? Fitzdog.com F-I-T-Z-D-O-G.com

One more time for the great Greg Fitzsimmons. Thank you. The all-powerful band. What a night for them. Hey Tony, this is Jeremiah Watkins here. You can follow me on social media, at Jeremiah Stand-Up.

And I got a new podcast called Jeremiah Wonders available on all the platforms. New episode just came out today with Mary Lynn Ricecup. Correctamundo. And, yeah, thank you for all the love in Dallas and Houston, babies. It was unbelievable. Patty Reagan, anything you want to plug this week? I'm good. Thank you, Tony.

Joelberg Joel Jimenez on the drums. Make some noise for Joelberg, everybody. What else, Joelberg? Nothing. Yeah, mostly sorry. Also, yeah, thanks to Houston and Dallas. We had a really great time. And thanks to you guys. Peace out. Go to forhims.com slash killtony.

That's forhims.com slash killtony. That's forhims.com slash killtony and you get a trial month of everything you need to keep your hair for just $5 today right now while supplies last. And also blueapron.com slash killtony. Why wouldn't you check out this week's menu and get $30 off?

Blueapron.com slash killtony. Blue Apron. A better way to cook. Thank you so much for everybody for coming to tonight's show. I had so much fun with you. Phoenix, we're coming to you. Other fun shows be on the lookout. More big announcements including, how about this? I'll announce this right now. February

19th, not next week's show, which will be in, I believe, in the Belly Room, right? Next week's show is in the Belly Room one last time because some big event's happening here for some reason. But we come back the week after that, back to the main room with guests Anthony Jusselnick and Tiffany Haddish.

Oh, shit. I don't know if you've heard of those guys before. She ready. Tiffany Haddish was once the Iron Patriot on this show many times. She's been a panelist on this show and now it just somehow, within months, is now the biggest comedian on the planet. So that's one of the fun things about this show,

is not only do we meet people and watch them grow out of the bucket, but sometimes it's happening right here in front of you. And I love you guys. Thank you so much for coming out. Have a great night, everybody. See you guys. That's Kill Tony, 250, live from the Comedy Store Main Room. A cold and braced cargo morning, another little baby child is born in the ghetto. And his mama cries.

In the ghetto. Thank you.