KILL TONY - KILL TONY #252

Episode Date: February 22, 2018

Anthony Jeselnik, Morgan Murphy, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 02/19/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Come see us live. Go to deathsquad.tv and click and you are listening to Kill Tony. Come see us live. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates to see Kill Tony in person. We record this every Monday at the world-famous Comedy Store, but we also go on the road. Like, April 5th, we're going to be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix doing a Kill Tony, and then the following couple days, we're going to be at the Tempe Improv that whole weekend.

So go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. Don't forget to go to Tony's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you can find everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He drew the Kill Tony book that me and Tony have been

signing and sending out. You can go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up your book and your posters. He has a lot of cool stuff there. The official merchandise of the Death Squad universe is shopsquad.tv. There you have the Death Squad shirt. You also have Kill Tony shirts. You have hats and a bunch of stuff. Go to shopsquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rampant coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatchcliff! Fuck yeah! Hello! Good evening! Welcome! You're at Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. Make some fucking noise.

On a Monday night, I'm here with the great Brian Red Band. Ryan J. Ebeld is over there drawing tonight's episode. While you guys sit there, he draws each episode. Those are available at Kill Tony the book at ryanjebeld.com. So I have my Kill Tony the book, and it's fucking awesome. You can also get this poster, the official Kill Tony poster there as well. It's good to be home. We have a lot of fun stuff coming up.

Kill Tony is going on the road for all you podcast listeners. Kill Tony is going to Phoenix on April 5th. We're also going to the Nashville Comedy Festival and I believe Indy or Detroit. We'll have a better announcement for that next week. But I'm doing stand-up in a bunch of fun places like Sacramento, Providence, Salt Lake City, Spokane, San Francisco. All those

tickets are available at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And this Sunday we have a Death Squad show here in the main room. Tony's on it. Sal from Impractical Jokers. So check that out. 8 o'clock. Who knows? Maybe Brian will even throw five minutes to somebody off tonight's show. We had 100 people sign up for tonight's show for the first time ever.

100. 100 human beings in the bucket tonight. Wow. 100. Just for the chance. We get through maybe seven or eight or nine. But who knows what's going to happen. Anything can happen.

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This is Kill Tony episode, I believe, 252. Live from the Comedy Store main room and I'm excited about it. Every single week I always have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This week's no different. Put your hands together for the great Anthony Jusselnick and Morgan Murphy. Fuck yeah.

Here they are. Welcome. Have a seat. There they are. The great Anthony Jeselnik and Morgan Murphy. Josh Martin isn't here this week and I left the bucket in the back. How about that?

That freaked me out. Welcome, guys. Welcome back to the show. You've that? It freaked me out. Welcome, guys. Welcome back to the show. You've both been here before. Here they are, guys, Anthony Jelcinek and Morgan Murphy. How happy are we? We're going to watch crazy people

that signed up for the chance to do one minute on this show. They get 60 seconds each. It's always fun. Welcome back. Thank you. Things have changed. It's bigger,

but still just as shitty. Well, it's already shitty to Anthony. I love it. Just a roaring crowd, and we're off to a good time. Well, I like that you expanded it from people who will definitely like the show to people who will definitely like the show, and a lot of people who are like, why'd I come here? I feel like you expanded it to a broader audience.

You are correct about that. It is the number one live podcast in the world. Let me mention our friends over at LA Speedweed, if you haven't noticed, they helped us out backstage tonight giving us the always fun boost of a... You can have weed

delivered to your door. LASpeedweed.com. So we have a band. It's the best damn band in the land. Every single week they commit to doing different characters. You never know what they're going to do or be. It's the Kill Tony Band. Ladies and gentlemen, Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins,

Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. It is the Kill Tony Band. Here we go. Well, oh, there's definitely some burglars. Here we are. Oh, shit. Yep.

Wow. Full costume. Burglars this week, ladies and gentlemen. Really long entrance. Really, really, really heavily produced. Fuck yeah It's a big one

They're burglars this week clearly everybody Fuck yeah What if they're not burglars They're just people who are ashamed they like Pink Panther I love it We have Jeremiah, Pat, Chris just people who are ashamed they like Pink Panther. I love it. We have Jeremiah, Pat, Chris, and we have Joel Jimenez back there. Joel Burke, how are you doing tonight?

Good. Happy to be here. You guys are some very polite robbers. Jeremiah? Indeed, we are cat burglars. Just to give a little background I was told about the band shortly before the show And I was against it conceptually

And in practice People like to know that kind of stuff We are big Anthony Jesonic fans Name that accent Pardon? any Jesonic fans. Name that accent. Pardon? Alright. So the band's here. Jeremiah works very hard

to be the most likable person in comedy. It's not easy. Not as hard as me. You sound French but like a French terrorist. You know what I mean? Like it's about to go bad.

Get back there French terrorist. We will heal. I feel like you've already exhausted everything you got. Just wait and see. The horse of truth is out. I have a bucket for the first time ever with over 100 names. I saw this fucking sign-up sheet, and I made a point to count it.

It's ridiculous. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds. You know that time's up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. That's what that sounds like. So wrap it up then, because you don't want that noise to happen, and then it makes you look stupid.

You guys ready to start the show, or what? Here we are. Episode whatever. Who cares? Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight, and then they talk to us afterwards. Sometimes we find out a lot about them. Put your hands together for Avanti. Here we go.

Here she comes. Yes. All right. Trimmed up my pubic hair today. All right. Finally. It's overdue, but I don't know. They're nice at super cuts.

And the tip. Everything's all good. Just celebrated my 15 year anniversary of being a vegan. You can high five me on the way out for my service to the planet. Don't worry, you don't owe me anything. I did have a potluck. Nobody showed up. But I was actually okay with it.

Vegans hardly have any friends. But I'm kind of a racist anyway, so I was relieved that nobody showed up. I'm a racist in that I hate everybody equally. You know, humans, I don't know. We've been assholes on the planet. I am a yoga teacher. I'm a yoga teacher, but I give people a finger. I tell people to fuck off, and I carry a yoga teacher but I give people a finger

I tell people to fuck off and I carry a gun so I'm just a part timer just a part time yoga teacher can be a hippie crit the rest of the day works out good for me also a Pep Boys Rewards member okay Avanti here we go

60 seconds. Fuck yeah, there was no meat to your act either. You seem like you're like... You seem like you don't really have any energy. Do you think veganism's affecting you in a positive way? I think my iron's low. I got low iron. Yeah, I think you need some fucking steak and eggs, lady. That was better than my... You like vegetables, I bet you love your audience. Is that not good?

Maybe. I actually really, can I say, oh, you go. I don't know the protocol. Come on, no. The protocol is not calling out the protocol. I actually really like the idea of, like, I haven't seen anyone do this, which is sort of like the sort of vegan hippie. Lazy comedy. I know Hollywood vegans, but they all, you know what I mean?

They just restrict until, you know, for other reasons. They don't care about animals. They care about booking, you know, Trident commercials and shit. But, I mean, like, I like what you're doing. I say go for it. I say not around as many people. Yet.

Keep the direction. You know what I mean? Yeah. Jeremiah? Yes, I think she should have stolen some punchlines. Oh, there you go. Cat burglar. So you pretty much did the exact same set you did last time you were here.

Yeah, I didn't remember this, but Brian was whispering it to me the whole time. I mean, every single joke. He remembers you. But this time she is dressed as a snowboarder. Cat's back there. I can do another minute. No, why didn't you do another minute

this time? You don't do the same minute every time. Alright, alright. Brian's mad at you, Avanti. Just don't... Most people don't even think about doing it twice. This is just... I'm saying she's having like... Thank you for noticing. Very good.

Avanti. Do you remember doing that same set before? Yes, I do. I mulled over it. Did it work better the first time? Anyway. Avanti, how long have you been doing stand-up? Good. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Good. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Into the microphone. We've been doing stand-up about two years. Wow. 30 seconds a year? Brian, it's all been on the Venice Beach boardwalk. Anthony, what do you think about Avanti? Is this one of your favorite new comedians that you've found?

I would say, as not like a criticism or even as a joke, that all your premises are like, oh, this is going to be interesting. Oh, no, it's not. Do you know what I mean? The things you talk about are inherently interesting. And even your segues in between were like, so I also, I'm this. But then everything you said after that, that should have been the comedy, the meat of it, was completely absent.

Like what did you eat today, Avanti? Was it mostly nuts? I did have some nuts. You did have some nuts. You did have some nuts. Right. What else? I had a lot of raw garlic. So, apologize for people that are sitting around me.

Into the microphone about it. And I had some kale. I had a lot of kale. Like, I want to go back to what I was saying. Like, when you're writing these jokes, you write down the premise, and then you write down the punchline. Write down a couple more punchlines. And then pick the best one.

Do you know what I mean? Like, you have... It was just... What is happening here? All right. What was that even supposed to be? He's a burglar that gives away chocolates for some reason.

That famous burglar character, Mr. Nice Guy Burglar. The interrupt the podcast with Chocolate Burglar. Okay, thank you. You know what you have that you can't work on, you can't buy, is you're different.

Morgan, you talk like you've never been to an open mic before. Like, this is not that different. No, no no no no you don't think I think that her point of view her thing say it say the word schtick I dare you I think that

that she might have drawn the short schtick no I think I honestly think you have a good, there's a trajectory if you follow that line. Bottom line, you're going to be a star. I liked when you said you were a racist. Avanti, what do you

do in your real life when you're not doing stand-up or falling asleep on the limb of a tree or something like that? I do a lot of different things. You guessed a lot of them last time you were writing. I don't remember. Again, I don't. Keep going, Avanti. Answer the question.

I'm a vegan and raw food chef. I do farm for red saunas. I sell. I'm a distributor for farm for red saunas. You know what that is. I do teach yoga. How often do you draw caricatures with your feet? Can I give an advice?

I feel like you should do like, you know, like yoga retreats in Costa Rica. Like be like, hey ladies, like who else, like who only eats local pussy or whatever. You know what I mean? Like do like, you ladies, who else? Who only eats local pussy? You know what I mean? Do those things. You should do a completely different job and be shitty at it. No, just stand up at an earthy type of place. Diet cheese jokes and stuff.

What's the over-under on beads you have in your vagina hair right now? Do you ever try to be funny when you're doing yoga? Have you ever said anything? Like what? I do, often. I just say things and people laugh. Can you give an example of something? That's a stretch.

Double points for that one. That's what they chant when Joel does good. It's a Goldberg tribute again. They've gotten really good at it, this fucking crowd. If someone farts in yoga, do you blame the downward dog? Am I right?

High five. Come on. You guys. Anthony. You would have given that to me at dinner. I'm not going to give you a ride home Avanti how did you get here what's your method of transportation

horse I drove what type of Subaru do you have definitely a Subaru I have a Toyota Camry solid car she takes her ride to a company called The Flow she just company called The Flow.

She just goes with the flow. I wish I would have stayed quiet. Who the fuck? All right. Who said that? It's Joel Berg. The drummer? Yeah.

I know what I did. On this podcast, we give even the audience members microphones. All right, Avanti, we're going to keep moving on. There's Avanti for you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Avanti, thank you. There she goes. Back to the bucket we go. I've never...

That's actually... It's fun to see a comic get bailed out by the drummer. I agree. Alright. Alright, this looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Annick Adele. Ooh! Ooh!

Thanks. Thanks. I don't go to Second City. I just wear it. Did you ever hear this saying, first time is the hardest, gets better the second time? For some reason, it doesn't apply to suicide. It's a thinker. I recently bought myself a motorcycle.

It's a Ducati 1100cc. If you don't know what that means, it means I'm a lesbian. That's what it means. We're so dumb. We're just like dudes. We like power. We like speed. The only difference between lesbians and dudes? We listen. That's the difference. I was dating this woman. She had only ever dated guys before. Wow. And she made us sound like a cat, so there you go. That's what happens when 60 seconds is up.

And that's Annika Delph. Fuck yeah. You really let that heckler get to you right at the top of it, huh? That Second City shirt's ballsy. I know. What was your opening joke? The suicide joke. Yeah, the suicide joke?

Yeah. If I were you, I would open with the lesbian thing. Okay. And then go into the other stuff. Thank you. You're welcome. I thought that's what her hair and clothes did. I had

no idea. Also, I had no idea. Morgan, this is how we both dress all the time. I know. I didn't know that it's... People assume we both get pussy. That's what's happened for many

years. I think also, if you're going to look at your phone, is that part of your act or is that like you just didn't know your joke yet? Oh, I knew my jokes, but I was kind of... It's like part of your nonchalant ego thing? It's got to be a better joke if you're going to do that. Am I wrong?

You're like, oh, he's mean. You didn't fucking laugh at that shit. Force of truth agrees with you. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years. Yeah. Where are you from?

Originally from Berlin. I have a lot of German shit, but I, you know, didn't. That's redundant, German shit. I was just excited because I could tell she had an accent. That's why I was so excited to see you. And I was like, I wanted her to say she was foreign because I didn't want to say something about it in case she was like you know I'm deaf

or something you know she's also deaf sometimes it's hard to it could have been like a pituitary thing I don't know where that is or what it does but I think it makes you sound Dutch what are you again?

What do you mean? I like, by the way, I like you. I think that you got short, you got the short end of the shtick. Oh, boy, I repeated myself. Because you're a slower, drier comic, so, like, I think that it's almost, we didn't get to hear as many jokes, you know what I mean? Is that not fair? No, we heard the same amount of jokes. You know what I mean? Is that not fair? No, we heard the same amount of jokes. I know what you mean. I don't know

what you were trying to say. I'm saying that I think if we heard a few more jokes, there'd be a better sort of overall idea of, you know, what to say. Oh yeah, if she was a better comic we would have laughed more. I got it.

Annick. How long were you in Germany for? I think the question is how long have I been in the States for? Sure. Either one, Annick. You're a real smartass. You know that? Yeah. I know. Lesbians hate me, by the way.

A little fun fact. When they look at me directly in the eyes they just see red or something like that they see competition yeah it's true I was going to say as much as gay guys love me lesbians hate me

people are afraid of what they might become I was trying to be complimentary I don't know why I get people are mean to me of what they might become. I was trying to be complimentary. I don't know why I get... People are mean to me. Three years? Well, four years in the States. There you go.

Oh, in L.A.? No, San Francisco. Okay. Checks out. Who's speaking on the phone? Because I'm gay? Are you visiting? Dude, that's stereotypical.

Are you visiting L.A stereotypical are you visiting LA or are you no I live here now you moved you lived here now okay I think I'm gonna say

the Second City sweatshirt is a bad choice for a lot of reasons because you never went there or because you don't like it it's distracting to see a stand up walk on stage with that

you're like this better be Robin Williams' daughter or we're going to walk out of here. I am. No, it's true. I didn't like any of your material, but I like you. Do you know what I mean?

I'm there. Yeah, like you were... And I believe that you have material that I would like and I just didn't get to hear it. I get it by your cadence. You get the pace of a joke and stuff. What part of Germany? Berlin.

Which part? West part. Schöneberg. What era? I mean, do you associate with the most? It would tell me a lot. Oh, boy. There you go. What do you do as with them? It would tell me a lot. Oh, boy. There you go.

What do you do as your day job? I advise startups. I help startups. So you're like a tech? Shut them down? Yes. Any of you guys get to talk? Is that the deal?

That's my guest. Welcome to Pate Regan right there. You would think you would like pull all the jokes and have like one guy be in charge like has anyone

but Paul Schaefer talked in that band no not even when he talked to them no no no I've never even even yeah

even when he asked them a question they go yeah exactly and Paul Schaefer is fucking high water for these assholes yeah but was

Paul Schaefer ever a cat muggler did Paul Schaefer ever a cat burglar? Did Paul Schaefer write for the Eric Andre show? Did Paul Schaefer a new face at Just for Laughs Montreal in 2015?

Was Paul Schaefer on Adam Devine's house party singing the best beat that was on the whole fucking show? I don't know, Anthony. Wow. Did Paul Schaefer graduate from USC Film School With a bachelor's degree And bachelor's of the fine arts In writing for screen and television Actually he did

That's where he got his degree from Was Paul Schaeffer Mexican? I think I wins that one I'm gonna give you the opposite advice of the band I think I win that one. I'm going to give you the opposite advice of the band and say keep doing it. Thank you. There you go, Anna Goodell. Sure.

There she goes. Don't quit. That's been the advice of the night so far. Seems to be a theme. We're not ready to tell people to quit yet. We're just warming up. You guys having fun out there? Oh, that was an option? Hey, can I get a...

You know what, Tony? I don't want to order a beer through the mic myself because I feel like it's me selling out. I'm endorsing a beer. Would you order a beer for me? Sure. What do you want? You know what I'm in the mood for?

A delicious Italian-made Peroni. If someone can tell a waitress that we need a Peroni. You didn't say Corona before? I would have brought you the wrong beer anyways. You got so mad at me. I didn't get mad at you. I asked Morgan to get me. Morgan said, I'm going to get a drink.

Do you want one? I said, yeah, I'll take a Peroni. A Diet Coke, by the way. And she said, okay. And then came back with just her drink. And I was like, did you not get my drink? And that was as mad as I got. Did you not get my drink?

And that was as mad as I got. I felt like our roads diverged. Took separate paths. Oh, years ago. Could Paul Schaefer ever fit his testicle in his butthole? All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there? You ready to keep this thing going?

Let's do it. Put your hands together for Julia Matchin. Julia. Julia Matchin. Here she comes. Whoa, you got to go that way, go that way, go that way. And then left. There you go.

Fuck yeah. Julia Matchin from the other side of the field. This is interesting. This could be... Put your hands together one more time for Julia Matchin, everybody. I didn't bleed the first time I had sex. And I used to tell people that I thought it was because I rode horses.

Because this is a conversation I've had multiple times in my life. And apparently that's a thing. Girls are out there breaking their hymens riding horses. Is this topic turning anyone else on or is that just a me thing? But I actually know what broke my hymen. It was the other end of a hairbrush. Well, it was me and I used the other end of the hairbrush. The hairbrush didn't rape me. It was consensual. Not for the hairbrush. A couple of other things in my life.

I recently discovered thirst-trapping celebrities on Instagram. I've also stopped taking... There's the West... That thing scares the shit out of me still every time. Still makes me jump even though I know it's coming. Julia Matchin, this is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. How long have you been on stand-up? It's my first time, I swear.

Wow, first time. Luckily for you, Julia, we believe you. Did you bleed? Cat's a burglar. Cat's a burglar. I was laughing at what she said. Julia, what do you do for work? I wait tables at a steakhouse. Wow, what do you do for work? I wait tables at a steakhouse.

Wow, what's that? Which one? Del Frisco's. Wow, that's a good paying job. Yeah, Del Frisco's is one of the good ones. Or I think, maybe. I thought after hearing your act, you were maybe a hairdresser. The hairbrush? This is really your first time on stage?

Yeah. So you just wrote these things down, like, I need one minute of time, I'm going to go up and do a minute. I've been writing things down. Could you have done more time, or were you just prepared to do this one minute and that was the best you were going to do?

I'm asking legitimately. This is not a criticism. I... Well, you did say there's a few more things about you at 53 seconds into your set, so I think she might have a little bit more. Did you use a hair brush handle for real?

Because I actually have a bit about that also and people think I'm lying about it. Yeah, he has a bit about he lost his virginity to a brush handle. Yeah. he has a bit about he lost his virginity to a brush. Yeah. It was a comb. I did actually accidentally break my

hymen. I was combing my hair. We believe you. That wasn't the problem. Oh. Look, I think it's like your first time doing stand-up is probably a lot like your first time having sex, right? You waited till you're 23 to do it?

Oh. Oh, fuck. Was there more to that, Morgan? There was more to it. Why is it like... Well, because why would I continue on a joke that hits her when I'm now facing a new enemy? Do you know what I mean?

Like, there were shots from behind. I'm not looking at her anymore. This is a bad place to do your first time on stage. I hope you try it again in a different environment. There's no way a bad place to do your first time on stage. I hope you try it again in a different environment. There's no way you can tell at all your first time on stage. But you held it together pretty well for your first time. What I was going to say is it's like your first time having sex. Most of these guys probably think it's cute that you're bad at it.

Am I wrong that that's like a huge porn thing? First time, reluctant, anal. I know porn. I know guys want to be, oh my God, look at her. She doesn't want to be up there at all. This is hot. I'm not stupid.

I understand your argument, but it felt like a time jump where you were talking about one thing and then started yelling about another. And we all agree with you. They don your argument, but it felt like a time jump where you were talking about one thing and then started yelling about another. And we all agree with you. They don't connect, but they make sense. Julia, where are you from? Newport, Orange County.

Newport. Born and raised. Oh, I like the cigarette. Yeah. And how long have you been waiting tables for? A couple of years. Two, three. for? A couple of years? Two? Three? It didn't need to be that exact

of an answer. Two or three years is spot on for me. It's so funny. When you said you really did lose your virginity you broke your hymen with a brush. I actually think you're adorable and I also, not to be misogynistic, but that's good.

But also, I think I would start with that and really be honest about that, as opposed to not letting the people know if you're joking or not. Do you know what I mean? I'd be like, I lost my virginity to a hairbrush, and then do jokes about that, and really tell them this is a real thing. Because I wasn't sure if you were just saying the words to say the words, but that's interesting to me. As you can tell, Morgan only uses her hairbrush

to masturbate with. Do you still use it? Have you ever took it out and relived the old days? I'm not going to have a fucking fashion hair talk with you right now, but I don't use a brush. I use my fingers. It's called a... Never mind.

Don't worry about it. Is that advice given to you from Avanti? Look, it's a curly hair. It's specialty shit. You know what I mean? Who knows my shit? Avanti does over there. The vegan lesbian from before.

Yeah. All right. So, Julia, how's your love life now? Have you moved on from the hairbrush? A blow dryer. I'm single. Wow. Yeah.

You ever hook up with guys from the steakhouse? How often does that happen? Is that rare? Medium rare? Well done Tony Hemscliff Well done How many fucking bands are there here? We got 10 bands 20 bands, 100 bands

What do you expect from comedy? We got 10 bands, 20 bands, 100 bands. What do you expect from comedy? Does God exist? Like, do you want to be a stand-up comedian? Do you just want to kind of get out and, like, do you want to be a writer? Do you want to be an actress? Like, what is it you want? Do you think you can be pro-Judaism and against the government of Israel?

If you had three wishes from a genie, what would they be? You're a Labrador puppy. Do you have what it takes to be adopted by the Winklevoss twins? I thought we all agreed to take this deadly seriously by the way you're fucking great by the way I want you if you stay in comedy

please come to me and tell me before you fuck someone and I'll tell you if you're allowed to I'll give you the lowdown that's all you need I've said this as advice before on this stage. It's the only advice I give to young women. Don't blow your heroes. Move on.

Do you like older men? Ew, why'd you clear your throat after you said it like that? Fucking disgusting, dude. I feel like working with you, I know what Harvey Weinstein's assistants must have gone through. Just like, I guess I contributed since I didn't put a stop to it. How do you feel? Is this the feeling that you thought it would feel like? Let me ask you this. Have you listened to the show before?

Yeah, I have. Right. So you knew what you were getting into and you purposefully wanted to start here. No, not initially. I didn you purposefully wanted to start here? No, not initially. I didn't purposefully want to start here. I just thought I would. I wanted to start and I thought I would leave it up to chance because my friends

suggested let the fates decide. Avanti. Thanks, guys. I love it. Keep doing it. I'm kept serious. Welcome to another episode Keep doing it. I'm serious. Welcome to another episode of Keep Doing It with Morgan Murphy. I just wouldn't have, I never in a million years would have had the balls first time. That alone is something that I think will carry you through.

I do. There are a hundred names. Let me be clear. Let me be clear. There was nothing that showed any sort of promise in what you did here tonight. But as a person and as like a commodity, you have value. So if you want to try it again, that would technically be your first time. Do you understand what I'm saying?

And I'll say this. I'll say this. I wouldn't say you shouldn't do that. But tonight has meant nothing. I wouldn't say you shouldn't do that, but tonight has meant nothing. Julia, with your likability and smile and the fact that you can talk clearly, if you keep doing it,

I think you could one day be one of the best waitresses in Del Fresco's history. You just need some coaching. You just need to sit down with her. Okie dokie. Julia Matchin, everybody. There she goes. The first time ever on stage, people.

Hey, don't fuck anyone. What the fuck do you see that at? Weird coffee shops. Kill Tony. Is it just all women that you guys have come up here one after another? It is a very special hashtag me too episode of... I don't know what's happening so far. I'm not against it. I'm just thinking about the audience.

It ends now. I believe this is not a female. By the spelling, I believe this is a man. The name is Nick Romero. Nick Romero. Here he comes. Hey. When I was growing up, you guys remember those There's No Wrong Way to Eat a Reese's commercials?

You guys remember those on TV? Really? Really? What about morally? I feel like this guy right here, Really? What about morally? You know? I feel like this guy right here, he can think of about, think of about like 10 right now off the top of his head. I don't know.

These are the things that would go through my mind when I was like five, six years old. Like just thinking like, oh, you know, like what if you, I talk like a perverted cartoon character when I was five years old. Oh, what if you like eat it and poop it out and eat it again? Like, and that commercial really stuck with me as I like aged like the other like when I heard things in pop culture going on, like the shitty things going on, like the Bill Cosby thing. I was like, that would be a really wrong way to eat a Reese's

out of Bill Cosby's candy jar on Halloween. I don't know. You might not remember how many you ate, so there's no November 1st shame, but I don't know. I guess at the end of the day there's really no wrong way to eat a Reese's. I don't know. Fuck yeah! Nick Romero.

I'm excited about this. Clearly two first-timers in a row. Welcome to the show, Nick. Yeah, man, first time. Very nervous. Can you see that? I'm like fucking shaking. Is it really your first time?

Very first time. It was actually my New Year's resolution because I've been watching this show for the past six months. Coming, just watching, not signing up or anything like that. You were physically here Mondays in a row for six months. Six months straight, and I just had to get up and that's a, you know, security has his photograph. That's no,

that's a smart way to get into comedy is come and just watch the fucking worst of the worst every week. Just watch the worst shit you can for a minute at a time. And then after six months, you'll be ready and ready. You were like, did you think that was funny? Absolutely not. Okay. So that's your first problem.

Like, wait until you're, like, excited to say any of the things that just came out of your mouth. And then you could be halfway decent. Like, there is, to me, there's a funny joke in there. There's something in there of, like, I had a date with Bill Cosby, and the only good thing was like, I don't even remember eating dinner. There is a joke about not knowing.

But what we learned tonight is that there is a wrong way to tell a Reese's joke. Nick, what do you do? Aside from this, I make music with Travis Barker and Jeff Sahoon from Let Live. So, yeah. Outside of this. You want to pick up those names you just dropped? Jesus Christ.

Awesome. You seem like a nervous guy. Actually, that's interesting, though, because I also know Travis Barker from Let Live. No one knows him from that. What's the name of the band? Cat Bugler. What's the name of your band? It's called Stray Life.

I've got an album coming out next month. How do you spell that? S-T-R-A-Y-L-I-F-E. Can you preorder that? Yeah, you can. What do you do in the band? I rap and sing. Get the fuck out of here. What do you do in the band? I rap and sing. Get the fuck out of here.

You do? If we give you a beat, could you possibly conjure a rap right now? Wait, wait, wait. How do you spell it again? S-T-R-A-Y-L-I-F-E. Stray Life. All right. Well, how long have you been doing that for?

Stray Life's a brand new project. Prior to that, I was in a band called Pristine for years. We toured Warped Tour a lot back in the day. I can tell you work with Travis Barker because you've blinked 182 times since being up here. You seem like a nervous guy. You feel really nervous right now? Yeah, this is just...

I'm completely out of my element right now. What's your usual element? Music, man. Yeah. Yeah. What made you... I'm on stage with anything related with that, and there's no problem.

Well, definitely don't turn around. What... What made you want to get on stage and do stand-up comedy? It scared the shit out of me. The thought of doing it scared the shit out of me. So that was motivation to do it. Well, I'll tell you this. That really showed tonight.

Is this your music? No. No. All right. Well, that's pristine. P-R-I-S-T-I-N-E. Do you have anything on Spotify?

Yeah, you can do Stray Life, Spotify. It's not coming up. I just saw. How do you spell stray? Stray, like a cat, Tony! Stray Life, all one word.

All one word. S-T-R-A-Y, life. Now, that's live. Stray life. Like, I am not a part of the pack. I think Anthony is having a really good time right now. You look miserable, man.

Why do you think... You agreed to come on. You have one song. I just did this so Tony would stop bothering me for like three months. Yeah, that's what I do. And I forgot about the band when I said yes. That's how I get all of my guests. Yeah, this is it.

That's the first single that I released. All right, go ahead. Were you lip sync or something? You defy rebellion in three words or less. So don't stress. I can barely feel the words. My tongue is holding on by the tip. With every sip you take, another feeling starts to drip like an ivy.

You're feeding me this toxic dose of our relationship. I try to hide. All right, all right. I'm going to put an end to it right there. I like it. I just why, I don't know why. I'm a bride. It reminds me of Linkin Park, but if the guy killed himself sooner.

Cool. Jesus. Why would you say that? I don't know why you attack. He's like imminent peanut allergy. You clearly find yourself influenced by Linkin Park a little bit? No, but I get compared to that a lot.

You try so hard. You try so hard. This is great. Hell yeah it is, Nick. I'm having a really good time, Tony. Thanks for calling my name, man. I know it was random, but I've been wanting to fucking... I know, I know.

All right, relax, Nick. What do you do for fun? You live by yourself? Yeah, I do. I live in Torrance, California, South Bay. So what type of hobbies and shit? Hobbies? Shit, a lot.

Busting fat beets and fat nuts. That's it. Fuck, like hikes and stuff like that when I need to unwind when I'm doing too much. Doing too much what? Thinking. About what? What do you think about? Just shit, man. Music or stand-up? Music or stand-up?

No, no, no, no. No, you know, everybody makes mistakes and stuff like that, so I think a lot and I put it down on paper. What's a mistake that you've made recently? Oh, fuck. I'm signing up tonight. No, come on. Come on, Nick.

What? Okay. I guess you don't have any hobbies or anything like that. I didn't really get an answer. It was hiking. It was basically

a simple Tinder profile. Just hiking. That's it. Are you ever going to do this again or is this like a bucket list thing where you're like,

all right, I did stand up once. I'm done. I don't know. That's what it felt like. I enjoy this atmosphere. up once I'm done I don't know I enjoy this atmosphere I think it's really creative and fun you enjoy this atmosphere yeah man it's creative you're the one person

right now in the room who's like yeah I'm enjoying this you have no idea what's gonna happen here and I like that it's fucking oh no we're pretty sure what's going on I've got a blanket around it yeah I, I'm going to sign up again. Nick, you have a girlfriend? Sign up again, but would you do it somewhere else? Like a real place?

Like this is... No, this is perfect. I was glad that you were actually on the show and I got up here so you could tear me apart, man. Again, you're the only one. I don't know, glad you had fun. Good luck. Yeah.

Nick, are you currently in love? No. No? When's the last time you had a girlfriend? Two and a half years ago. Yeah. Yeah. You go on dates a lot?

Yeah, occasionally. Like, last date you went on, where'd you meet the girl? Tinder, man. What's your profile on Tinder say? Whole lot of music. Whole lot of stuff. A whole lot of stuff. Has anyone ever asked you questions before

in any setting whatsoever? With spotlights, never. With spotlights, never. But aren't you a musician? Or have you not been on stage? Or are you like a garage band musician? It's called SoundCloud. No, yeah, I mean, I don't really have

to answer questions when I'm on stage. I kind of just do my thing and then talk to people after. Have you ever thought about doing stand-up with like big headphones on, like when you're making music? Never, man. Yeah, me neither. Have you ever thought of becoming a police officer and becoming a beat cop?

Alright. Nick Romero. There you go. Another first timer. A lot of people coming here. It's weird to have two in a row like that. I honestly thought I was making a joke when I said two first timers in a row. When he said yeah, I was like, alright.

This really is like the Arby's of shows for me. Like once every couple years I'm like I could eat one of those things. And then you're like almost done with it and you're like what the fuck was I thinking? That's how we get you every time.

But it's good. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Ori Amir. Ori Amir. Ori. Ori Amir. We know Ori. He's been on this show before. My dad and mine, the designer arrived,

just paid the two times. All I know, time is a valuable thing. Watch this one. Ori Amir, everyone. Put your hands together for Ori. So my accent is half Hebrew, half German. Yes, I've been unsuccessfully trying to kill myself for years. I've done this mediocre joke at a college mic a couple of years ago,

and the next week this girl does a five-minute slam poetry thing on how much she was offended by that joke. Now, the thing is, I can't be anti-Semitic. I'm from Israel. I'm a dirty Jew. Right? She was oh, my grandparents had to escape the Nazis. Yes, my grandparents had to escape them too. How come you get to express your emotions with your form of art where I can't express

it with mine, the most Jewish of arts? Because banking isn't an art. My point is, you have to listen to the intention, not the words people say, you know? Don't be anti-semantic. Fuck yeah. Ori Amir, everyone.

There you go. Reminds me of like if T.J. Miller had massive head trauma or something like that. Wow. So, T.J. Miller. So, you've been on the show before. You're some type of, what, biomolecular engineering super genius student, right? Didn't he scan your brain or something at one point?

Yeah, yeah, he did once, yeah. What's that? It's a secret, okay. Oh, is it? No, no, it's a beautiful brain. Very nice activation. I like. Okay, very good.

So how's that going? Did you graduate or whatever the fuck? Yeah, yeah. So what are you like? I'm a doctor now. Wow, you are a doctor. I've never been more glad I don't have health insurance. I can do it for free.

Wow, what are you, a pot doctor? With that baseball hat, don't tell me you do anything too crazy. No, I'm not a medical doctor. You specialize in the brain completely. Yeah, just science, not fixing anything. Right. So, how's that been going? Fun stuff.

Is that paying your thrift store bills? Almost, almost. I have to do some comedy on the side. Wow. Is it true that we only use like 10% of our brain or is that something that people just always tell me on message boards? The second thing.

Yeah, we use a lot of it. Alright. Bori, your accent never gets less creepy. Ha ha ha. You ever scare people with that thing? Have you ever noticed people avoid conversations with you? All the time, yeah.

I think I think that your character like just right now is more interesting and affable I'm going to go ahead and use that word

even though Morgan doesn't know what the fuck I'm talking about that I think if you were like less nervous like you have a way in you know what I mean like your accent

instead of being a huge barrier for some people I think if you were like less nervous, like you have a way in. You know what I mean? Like your accent, instead of being a huge barrier for some people, I think you can use it to get people on your side. You just have to find your own flow. And when you were nervous there, you were kind of like rushing through things. But if you just kind of took your time and were yourself more, I think you could, you know, open for some of these guys one day. Yeah, that's the hard truth, guys.

I'm a genius. There is like a modern hipster Yakov Smirnoff kind of thing. No, really, there is like a weird... I like anything that I haven't seen before. I haven't seen you before. You've never seen Yakov Smirnoff?

I haven't seen Yakov Smirnoff doing half German, half Jewish jokes in a bicycle cap and a shirt I would have worn in high school. I also think maybe a suit. Am I crazy? Maybe. I don't know. There's something. Like a suit comic. There's a nightclub situation that I'm trying to build here.

You're thinking three steps ahead. Do you know what I mean? You're like, we're still doing brain surgery. You're thinking about their haircut afterwards. We're still figuring it out. Do you know what I mean? I got big plans for this guy. I don't know what they are,

but they involve a spotlight. If you were a manager, you would go out of business immediately. Ori, are you married? No. I was trying to think if I would. I was registering. You have a girlfriend?

No. At the moment. No, I don't. She's dead. Wow a girlfriend? No, not at the moment. Wow, Jeremiah does a spot on Ori Amir. Ori, what do you do for fun? Remind us of what you do, you doctor. Ori Amir. Traveling.

Traveling. Going around. I try to visit as many places around the world as I can. I'm trying to see the differences between comedy cultures in different countries. Try to document it a little bit. Okie dokie. I have no idea what the fuck just happened there. Me neither.

No idea. Wow. Ori, what's one of the creepiest things about you? Like, what do you do that you don't want anybody to know about? But if you answer the question super honestly, you'll be a hero right now. I masturbate to an Anthony Jezelnik poster above my bed. In his defense, though, it's a great poster. Ori, what's the answer to the question?

I'm interested to hear what Doctor's answer is to this. Go ahead. What do you think is the creepiest thing about you? He cuts up people's brains and looks at them all day. The guy's a fucking freak. I guess scanning people's brains is pretty creepy. I don't know. Have you ever ate cow brains? Like, if you're going to a restaurant?

That's a whole different thing, Brian. That's... People... Do you watch zombie movies with your arms crossed being like... It's a good idea. I'll try that.

Try that. Ori, I have a serious question. Oh, yeah. Do you ever like... Do you ever like It's a good idea I'll try that Try that Ori I have a serious question Oh yeah Do you ever like Do you ever like When you're doing surgery Do you ever like

Stick your finger And like touch the brain And then lick it Lick your finger And taste the brain Everybody does that What the fuck is Cat burglar about that shit

Like you're in character You just broke it To ask that question A cat burglar it to ask that question. A cat burglar would never ask that. You do not own cat burglars, Anthony. I don't think a cat burglar

would be playing a loud instrument. Is that my plan? Ori, what scares you? Are you afraid of anything? I guess being homeless. You're afraid of being homeless. I've been homeless for a little bit.

Dress for the job you don't want. We both do it. He's saying being homeless or hummus. He's afraid of being hummus. Being dipped at a party repeatedly over and over by a pita chip. I thought you were going to do a hummus shelter joke.

I had a few. Alright, Ori. It was fun to meet you again. You're definitely one of the funniest doctors we've ever had on the show. He's on Twitter at Ori Amir. All those people are on Twitter. You know what's going on. How many of you out there listen

to the podcast regularly? That's enough. Five year anniversary coming up in June of this show. Wow! And I'm excited about this. It's a one word only name that I'm sure I've never seen before. Put your hands together for Malcolm.

What's up? I was finna leave. Shit, God, real. Y'all hear my heart beating? You ever go to court and think you get community service? I fucked up, hold up. You ever go to court and think you going to jail, but you get community service? But then you go to jail because you don't do community service.

And if you in jail for community service, you can't be walking around like, I'm here for community service. You do walk up on you and be like, what you in here for? You better be like, hours, nigga. I'm here for hours. I got an aunt, she fat.

She just started working out. And she always reward herself when she work out. Other day, she was on Facebook. She said, just left the gym. Walked two miles. I'm gonna reward myself. I said, I mentioned to her back, I said, that's why you fat. Eat

McDonald's. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. You need to cancel that membership. Fuck yeah, Malcolm. What's up? Hey, that shit cool as fuck. That's what I'm talking about. I fuck with y'all. Y'all cool as hell, Malcolm. What's up? Hey, this shit cool as fuck. That's what I'm talking about. Hey, I fuck with y'all. Y'all cool as hell, dog.

Fuck yeah. Right back at you. Welcome to the show, Malcolm. This is your first time, right? Yeah, first time coming up here. A lot of white people. This is not your first time on stage No, no

You had a presence immediately Even the way you grabbed the mic and opened up You could feel everyone here relax They've had to see some awful things Tonight That people were just excited And that you were like It's a crazy thing to be like, have fun up

there, but you clearly had fun for a minute and that made all of us tolerate this just a little bit. I think it was time for this show to have a black superhero come in and save the day on this amazing opening weekend of

Black Panther. I didn't even see the movie, though. You didn't? Why? See the way my money's set up right now. For real, though. There's got to be black people who don't like that movie and can't say it, right? Yeah.

There's got to be a few people who are afraid of it. Morgan, if this is your way of saying there must be a lot of people sneaking into Black Panther. No, I'm saying there must be people who feel like they can't say they didn't like it. Right. I'm just saying. By the way, if there's a casting director

in this room, Malcolm, you can just always play the guy who likes everything. Everything. Everything. Besides onions. I don't fuck with onions.

Really? Hell no. Really? You don't like any kind of onions? Caramelized onions? White, purple, brown, all of it? None of it? On onions? Caramelized onions? White, purple, brown? All of it? None of it?

On anything? Not even a hamburger? Plain. No onions. Wow. Ketchup and mustard. I'm a baby. Malcolm, you just signed up only Malcolm.

Why are you just Malcolm? Because every time I put Malcolm, I get called. And the Lord was with me today, for real. Wow. But when I put Malcolm, my name Malcolm Hatchett, I don't get called. And the Lord was with me today, for real. Wow. But when I put my name Malcolm Hatchett, I don't get called. But when it's just Malcolm, that shit be cooler than the motherfucker. That's so interesting.

I don't got no last name no more. But you know, you do know the goal is to eventually go on stage without your name being picked out of a fucking bucket. Oh yeah. This is the beginning though. I'm chilling. But you'll add the last name later on.

Yeah. The good thing is I feel like you'll always have the energy of a guy who got picked out of a bucket. You know what I mean? What? I got picked out of a bucket? Yeah, this is... I fucking love you. Yeah. Joel Berg. I can't get over the best way to say

you're broke that's ever been said. The way my money is set up right now. I'm going to say that forever. What do you say? What do you say? I buy a lot of masks for no reason? Can't afford to take you out? What do you do for a living?

I quit jobs and eat Carl's Jr.'s. What? What do you do for a living? I quit jobs at E. Carl's Jr. What? So are you employed right now in real life? Yeah, yeah. I had seven jobs this year. In 2018? It's mid-February. For those of you listening back perhaps to this podcast from the future,

we are a month... Fucking... Was there a common reason That you lost all these jobs No I quit for open mics Come on most recent job you quit What are you talking about here A warehouse

The one before that Is it all warehouses I be quitting everything I came out here to do comedy And I be getting frustrated You're quitting everything for the comedy Buffalo Wild Wings though you quit Because of the smell of the onions I came out here to do comedy and I began frustrating shit. I'm like, fuck it. You're quitting everything for the comedy. Buffalo Wild Wings, though,

you quit because of the smell of the onions. Nah, because I kept stealing chicken. They was going to fire me eventually. You were stealing chicken. Stealing chicken, ladies and gentlemen. Malcolm up here making the jokes that I wish I could make about him. Yeah, Malcolm.

Malcolm, you don't need to be here. You should be on a real stage somewhere doing real things. That's why Anthony's going to let you open up for him on the road. Does he not need to be here or do more people like him need to be here? I would love to invite you to the

Ice House next Ice House show. Ice House. Next Ice House show. Wow, he's on the Ice House show. Malcolm! There you go. I just performed there last night. Wait, wait, I'm sorry. I just got word. Malcolm just quit that spot.

He decided that he didn't want it. It's his eighth job he's quit since being here this year. That's just like opening for me except it doesn't matter. So good. Good for you. There are people who come here because it's got to be their first time on stage. This is the only way they can do it.

And then there are people who have been on a lot of stages have it already and just show up just to be like fucking swing their dick around and that's what you did tonight. And I appreciate that but you don't ever have to put yourself through this again. You should be doing

open mics where you just sign up and then you go up when you get there. Yeah. But it's also all about the podcast. Malcolm thought that was a joke. What else do you do for fun? You from L.A.? No, I'm from North Carolina.

Wow, you are all the way from North Carolina? Wow. N-O-R-F Carolina. I don't even know where that is exactly. Tim Conway. That's just the way my geography was set up. How long have you been in Los Angeles? Five months.

Did you fly here? I got off the Greyhound, dog. What? The Greyhound. Wow, what was that like? It was crazy. I stopped in Atlanta and when I got off, a dude got robbed. Really? By you?

Hell no. By one of the crackheads. It was crazy. My mom didn't let me drive the car back home because she co-signed it. She didn't think I was going to get a job. She was smart about it though because I'd be quick. I got a Greyhound

and I stayed in a hostel downtown for two weeks. Then I got put out. Then I moved with my friend in Burbank. And then we got put out. And this girl from back home sent me like $1,500. I've been sleeping in the hoopty, dog. Sleeping in the what?

It's an older car. So you took the $1,500 and you bought a car? Well, it was $1,500, but I used to hustle, so I talked it down to $800. So, yeah. What kind of car is it? It's a 1992 Ford Taurus. Wow. My car older than me.

I used to have a couple Ford Tauruses. They're comfy. I can't believe Tony didn't know what hoopty meant. I can't either. I was shocked. I was trying to figure out if that's what he meant, that he was sleeping in his car. I know what a hooptie is. Butt naked in the backseat.

Butt naked? I know all about sleeping in a car. But you actually still sleep butt naked like you have a king-size bed in the trunk of your car. Or in the backseat, right? You're on the Jordan of your car. Or in the back seat, right? Going to Jordan's side to sleep. The tourist back seat is not that big, Malcolm. It is. No, it's not.

I'll be stressed out, though. I won't be naked. I'm just playing. Where do you park it? The Planet Fitness in Burbank. Yeah, you have a membership to the Planet Fitness by the airport. I got the black part. No, because you got the shower at the gym, right?

I got OCD. Yeah, hell yeah. I got to clean my ass. I got the black part. No, because you got the shower at the gym, right? I got OCD. Yeah, hell yeah. I got to clean my ass. I can't be... Wow. Do you ever work out at the gym? Hell no.

I used to have hoop dreams, but that shit ain't playing. I was like, I'm going to just shower and go to these mics. Right. It's hard to have hoop dreams when you can't hit REM sleep.

Hard to have hoop dreams when you're sleeping in a hoopty. Backseat of his car. On a totally earnest note, like, I would, while it's happening, because it's not going to be happening for long, I would mind your circumstances right now for material, because nobody else is, you know, living in their car next to a gym and is as funny as you. Like, just go for it, because pretty soon you're going to have a place and you're not going to

be able to talk about living in a car so do it now. Let me ask you something Malcolm. You ever take a lucky lady back to that car? You ever tell a girl like I'm going to take you to a whole other world. Well it's a planet. Fitness. That's where I'm par. Nah. Nah. It's too clean.

I can't have no bitches in there man. Wait. Wait. Wait. Your car is too clean? Mm-hmm. What? I treat it like a house. He's too clean. I can't have no bitches in there, man. Wait, wait, wait. Your car is too clean? Mm-hmm. What? I treat it like a house. He's a clean freak. He's a clean freak. Yeah, I got OCD.

My friends get in, I be like, uh-uh, take your shoes off, leave them on the curb. You motherfucker, dude. This is, uh, this reminds me of our friend from America's Got Talent. Preacher Lawson. Preacher Lawson. That's racist. That's how it's, you used to stop here killing us, and next thing you know, you're on. This reminds me of our friend from America's Got Talent. Preacher Lawson. Preacher Lawson. That's racist. That's how it's... You're just up here killing us.

The next thing you know, you're on. I'm auditioning there Saturday in Arizona. America's Got Talent? Are you serious? Wow, congratulations. Stay in the pocket exactly how you're doing it tonight. Just having fun. Answer the questions just like this and fucking have a blast.

Go get that shit. You driving your house out there? You met him here, ladies and gentlemen. Malcolm. Malcolm, no onions, hatchet. There he goes. First time on Kill Tony. Look at that. Yeah.

Coming around the corner. That was awesome. That was fun. That makes the show fun. Yeah. Can I have another bottle of Peroni? Can somebody let the waitress know? Yeah, can we just get another round? Yeah, sure. I'll take a Jameson Rocks.

And by the way, can I just say, like, Malcolm's, like, not to be, like, Malcolm's sort of, like, the reason that I write mostly. Like, I mostly write. Like, I admit that. Like, that's mostly why I write for other people. But, like, it's because I see people like him, and I go, like, I can't be that likable. Like, he's just, he's got it. Yeah, definitely.

Whatever it is. It's weird, you can see it so early. My rock is so fucking crazy. I think he was just okay. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Kevin Lauren. Whoa, he's coming from this way. You got to go that way, that way, that way, that way.

One more time, put your hands together for Kevin Lauren, everyone. So I think starving to death is pretty pathetic. I mean, money doesn't grow on trees, but food literally grows on trees. You can just move somewhere else where there's food. People always say money doesn't make you happy. You know what, I agree. But we can change it, make it a little better.

Nothing will make you happy. It doesn't matter if you're rich rich you're black, you're white everyone's fucking miserable and us humans we're pretty disgusting as well absolutely body odor? no human odor

anything that smells like a human is gross our breath, our armpits disgusting we have to cover up soap deodorant shampoo anything that smells like a human is absolutely disgusting not only we disgusting we're stupid unfinished basements my friends what the fuck is up with unfinished basements they just decided that they're not gonna finish finish a whole floor of your house? Who doesn't need another floor for your home? It's ridiculous.

Am I done? Fuck yeah. Kevin Lauren. Am I done? Alright, that's enough. I don't know if this was just me or not, but this guy is not as likable as the last comedian.

What's up, Kevin? Fair enough, fair enough. How are you, buddy? I never claim to be likable, I promise. Why don't they finish the basement? I honestly... This guy really sucks, honestly. Oh, shit.

Just by the looks of your bearded baby face, I would never guess that you couldn't take a joke, Kevin. No, no, no, I can take a joke. I'm just not a big fan, as well as Jezlenek, as I can tell, but... Wow. Oh, okay. Jezlenek, what do you think about this guy taking your side on anything?

I mean... Oh, he likes your beard, too, okay. Jeselnik, what do you think about this guy taking your side on anything? I mean... Oh, he likes your beard too, Anthony. Listen, everyone likes my beard and if you want to talk like me, you've got to walk like me and you've got a ways to go. Listen, you've got to be evil like me. You've got to talk to people. You've got to put them in their place.

You've got to... You... to people. You gotta put them in their place. You gotta, uh... You, uh... Listen, uh, you gotta have bravado and, uh, shoot people's dreams down, okay? I'm glad, uh, I'm glad you got applause because that's the most successful you'll ever be.

All right, you guys. You naughty boys, settle down over there. I want to meet Kevin. Look at this. I mean, look at this fucking wow. I can tell this is going to be a great fucking interview. You're going to answer all the questions honestly. It's going to be beautiful all the way.

Alright. First off, why are you wearing that? Fair enough. And then answer this question honestly. You don't have to try to be funny. Was that a gift from a parent or a grandparent for Christmas? Was it?

Yeah, no, it was a gift. Damn motherfucking right it was. I mean, it really truly looks like that. It has that feel. Yeah, I agree. How long have you been doing stand-up? Well, I did stand-up a little bit when I was in college. What college did you go to?

I went to college in Binghamton, New York. It's kind of a shithole. Maybe there would be like ten people watching. No unfinished basements there? You know, there was a lot of unfinished basements in Binghamton, New York. There's no basements out here. I honestly wish I would have just thrown it all in. I would have done the whole time on unfinished basements.

Then I would have started laughing by like, how much time is it that they do again? 60 seconds. By 48 seconds of unfinished basements, I would have been fucking pounding the table. Just commit. Morgan, do you have a basement? No. Do you guys have both? Have you had basements in your life?

I lived in an unfinished basement once. Cinder block basement next to the washing machine. I had a water bed and it popped. My aunt put me down there. Hi. Smelled like mud. Wow, I don't think this basement conversation could possibly get any lower.

Like a lot of people just don't maybe not know about basements if they're from here. You know? Hey, I wrote you an act. Okay, here we go. You come out, you go, You ever been to the Vatican? What a shithole!

Anyway, and then you say, Wait, give me one second to get this out, please. Then you say, they say time flies. Does it fly first class or coach? Does it use TSA pre-check? All right. Kevin, how old are you?

I'm 22. 22 years old. How long have you lived in L.A.? I don't live in L.A. I'm from New York. You're visiting right L.A. I'm from New York. You're visiting right now. Yeah, I'm from New York. Right.

Actually, Long Island, if you guys want to make fun of me more, but yeah. No, no, we're not going to make fun of you about that. Please do. Do you do that shit? What shit? That Long Island shit. Oh, my God, Brian, what are you doing? Everything, everything.

Okay. All right. Good question. Do you do that Long Island shit, Brian? I mean, really. Can you hit the sound effects or something like that? What did you think that we would say?

I'm from a Long Island. You can do it. Are you having a stroke right now, Brian Redman? Just relax. Focus on sound effects. Take a breath. I got this. Alright, buddy? He acted like we were going to bash him because he was from Long Island. I wanted to know what he was talking about.

I was trying to rebuild momentum coming off the whole basement thing. I'm still trying to rebuild that momentum. Kevin, what's your love life like? You seem extremely unlikable. Do you get that a lot? You seem so easy to hate. People ever throw shit at you?

That's my whole image. I was expecting a couple of tomatoes. Are you a nice guy? You seem so easy to hate. People ever throw shit at you? That's like my whole image. Oh, I was expecting a couple of tomatoes. Are you a nice guy? Okay, don't try to be funny. It's not going to work. What's the nicest thing you've done lately? You've adopted a pet or a kid or something?

Can't say I have, no. How about anything? The nicest thing you've done lately that you can possibly think of for anyone at any time in any way whatsoever, shape or form? Could have been anything. Maybe you thing you've done lately that you can possibly think of for anyone at any time in any way whatsoever, shape or form. Could have been anything. Maybe you hold the door. Can I help you maybe with that? Maybe that was one. That's fair. I held the door coming in here. Very good. Now you think of one.

Your turn. For you. Nicest thing you've done. Hold the microphone up to your face before answering the question. It's going to help you. That thing you do where you just extend your arm out like that, it doesn't work. It doesn't go with anything. It looks like you're being lazy at being lazy. You're adorable though, Kevin. I can tell you have that New York attitude and the work ethic of Binghamton. You know, I got nothing nice to say.

Wow. All right. 22 and Angry, a new show starring Kevin Lord. Yeah, that sounds good. This guy's hostility is terrifying. Let me tell you something, Kevin. Everybody agrees by the laughs and what we've said and how unlikable you are. Why don't you give us something,

just a little tidbit. What's something that you think could win the people over? If they knew it about you that maybe we would think that you're a more likable guy. Anything in the fucking world. Look how hard you're thinking. I know you got something for me. I'm 1% Native

American. Wow, you're the worst, dude. Kill Tony's super villain. We would never claim you in our tribe. Your parents rich? Go back from once you came, white devil. Come from a wealthy household? Absolutely not.

I grew up pretty poor. We raped and pillaged our people. Did I ask you what you do for work? Killing Native Americans. Are you out here permanent? Was I wrong before, though? About what?

No, you're right. You're completely wrong. He's talking about unfinished basements. Why not talk about your unfinished jokes? Yeah. You got me.

You got me. Kevin, you don't really have a chance. You got me. He's an unbelievable comedian. It's all opinion, you know, but it's not my style. I guess I'm being a hater.

You guys like him, but it's not my style. Kat Bergler. Not my style. Hey, I'm being a hater. You guys like him. Kat Begler. Not my style. Hey, hey, look. Don't worry. It's not that everyone likes him. He's very hot right now.

Oh, yeah. He's very hot. You know what I mean? Up and coming. Just don't, you know, don't jinx it, though. Kevin, what do you do for a living? Most people fail. Well, I actually park cars, which I guess makes me less likable.

So if you've ever gone out to the valet, it's anything. It's just like, you know, we fucking lost you. Well, at least you'll always be able to get spots at one of the things that you do. Fair enough. How long have you been valeting cars? Well, you know, I just graduated in December, so.

Oh, okay. What'd you get a degree in? Being a douchebag? Yes, actually. Politics and what? Professional douche, yes. What'd you get a degree in? Philosophy, politics, and law. What's something cool that you learned all your years

of studying philosophy? What's one cool little tidbit that you could share with us that is something cool from all that philosophy education. Why is this even called Kill Tony? Why isn't it just called Dragging It Out with Tony Henshaw? Agreed.

It's always, I mean, you never know. I'm always trying to figure out people sometimes. Kevin's an interesting case. Kevin, anything on my philosophy answer? You know... Wow. I really don't...

I'm not going to preach to you guys. I'm not a fucking professor, so... No, I asked you a question that wouldn't make you a professor if you answered it. That would actually be sort of the reverse. All right, Kevin. Anthony's right.

Thank you, guys. Kevin Loren. Time flies with Kevin Loren. Kevin Loren, or as we call him, the opposite of Malcolm. Complete opposite of Malcolm. He seems like he would march against Malcolm. You know what I mean? I didn't like when he was mean to Jeremiah.

Damn. I said this about Malcolm, by the way. Take note that I said before we ever met Malcolm for the first time, I go, I like this name. I feel good about it. I'm definitely saying it about this one. Put your hands together for Nicky Bon Bon. Wow. Climbing over

level one to get here. Here she comes. I've been in a relationship for six years. Don't worry about it. I'm obviously fantasizing about it I'm ready I'm ready to take it to the next level I'm ready to cheat

you know you're ready to cheat when you shave your legs before you meet up with a guy friend but I need validation because I have a hot mom. She's like the kind of hot where my dad for sure kept his eyes open when they had sex. Growing up was tough though because she was single so I'd be a cock block. Like most kids are faking sick to get out of school and I was faking

sick to get men out of my mom. She's obsessed with her online popularity. It's like Facebook has created a new wave of high school for her. It's like she's going through menopause and puberty at the same time. From Canada. She's got my U.S. citizenship. Yeah, thanks. Thanks.

All right. Well, that's that. There you go. Nikki Bonbon. One minute from Nikki Bon Bon. Yeah. Hi, Nikki. Hi.

This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. How long have you been on stand-up? Two years. And you're from Canada? Yeah.

You're just visiting or you live here now? No, I live here. How long ago did you move here? Three years ago. Three years ago. Yeah. From Toronto? Yeah. Yeah, that's the most populous city in Canada. here how long ago did you move here uh three years ago three years ago yeah from toronto yeah yeah that's the most populous city i mean people are always like vancouver

yeah i guess it's fine yes uh what do you do for a living uh i waitress where at i was like oh shit maybe i shouldn't say. No, you can say. Keys Baca. Okay, yeah, you can definitely say. No one knows what it is. I don't think you're going to shut down the Ma and Pa restaurant that you waitress at. It's part of Mario Batali. Pretty sure you can say as long as those two people aren't listening to the podcast. How long have you been working there?

Oh, three years. And did you waitress in Toronto as well? Yeah, but I lived in New York first, and then I moved here. Wow. You've really been in a relationship for six years? Yeah. Is he here too?

Yeah, sometimes. What is he? Ah, so he still lives in Toronto. No, he tours. He's a sound engineer. He's a touring sound engineer. Yeah. But yet you can't get him to listen, can you?

Cat burglar! Wow, that might be my favorite joke I've ever heard in my life. So stupid, but great. Wow, where'd you meet him at? He was my neighbor. Damn! Oh, shit, you went over and asked for a little sugar?

Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, I got your sugar if you got my eggs. You know what I'm saying? Let's blast off. Alright. Now I don't really have the eggs anymore, you know. Oh, really?

What does that mean? Oh. Okie dokie. I felt weird when I asked it. I'm glad I didn't get an answer We'll just edit that out of the podcast Did you ever take a biology class? But you don't seem like you're old enough To have no way

Is that what you're saying? Or are you saying they're gone because you had your stuff? You know what I mean? I'm just fucking around But I feel like it's getting I'm 31 People have babies at like You know what I mean? Yeah, no, I'm just fucking around. But I feel like it's getting, I'm 31. Oh, you're 31? Yeah.

That's still okay. People have babies at like 50 now. I know, I know. But you know, in this scene. But she knows what those eggs have been through. I got some. They start smelling different. I don't know.

Yeah, no, I get it. Some of them are like hard-boiled. I don't know. We'll see. Yeah. I missed your joke. Now that Tony's clear on where babies come from, let's go ahead and

ask some more questions. Get to the bottom of this one. Where babies come from. I wanted to hear her answer, but I didn't get one. You cannot. No, it's okay. Okay.

So is that true? Do you sort of want to cheat on your boyfriend of six years? Yeah. Yeah. If you were going to cheat on him, do you have already some guys sort of planned out? Yeah. By the way, I love that you're afraid to mention the restaurant that you work at, but you just openly admitted that you want to cheat on your boyfriend.

It's like you openly admit, then you see what comes your way, and then you feel better about yourself. Nothing caught me on the podcast. It wasn't me. It wasn't me. So, like, for example, who's the guy that you sort of have spotted out right now? Who is it, a new neighbor or something like that? Cats.

No, I don't. that you sort of have spotted out right now? Who is it? A new neighbor or something like that? Cats. Cats. No, I don't. I mean, I just have like, I feel, I don't know. I'm not going to, you know. There's people you meet that you're like, oh, that'd be, you know that initial interaction when you like meet someone, you're like, man, this would be like, I'd love to know. Can you give us an example of something?

Are you just talking about attractive people? I think, yeah. I'm guessing, I'm guessing Cuban sous chef. Cuban sous chef? Yeah, that's my guess. You ever been with a Cuban? I like Cuban guys. No, but like, but like close. It's my only Tinder relationship.

Oh. Cuban guy. So like in real life recently. Burbank. Some guy that you've come across, like was there a certain type of person? Was it on an elevator? No, it's someone I worked with. Worked with?

Yeah, he's a young guy. Did you guys do anything? Did you flirt? Yeah, yeah. Well, you brought him a booster seat at the restaurant. I don't like cycling. Oh. Yeah.

Wow. I'm not from the days where we do that, but I like that it's happening now. It's like a mom. Why Nikki Bon Bon? Why is that your name on the piece of paper? My name's Nicole Smith. Hey, hey, newsflash.

That's better. I'd have But I was sick of everybody saying Anna Nicole Smith And I worked In Toronto I worked at the Air Canada Center I would think that would have faded over time

No People hold on to shit I worked with the Jamaican guy And he always called me Nicky Bon Bon And then You gotta avoid Jamaicans at all costs That's comedy 101 What else do you do for fun? Bon Bon. You've got to avoid Jamaicans at all costs.

That's Comedy 101. What else do you do for fun? You like a roller derby or anything like that? You seem like a roller derby girl. Nikki Bon Bon. The name Nikki Bon Bon makes me think like oh this, well

we're going to hear about swing dancing and Lucha Vavum and, you know, Nikki Bon Bon feels a little campy. You know what I mean? Right. It's a little bit of like you need a different act and outfit and all that stuff to be a Nikki Bon Bon. I would go with your name.

Write a joke about Anna Nicole Smith and then open with that and then you're golden. Okay. I think that would be absolutely the way to go and it's a golden opportunity. Never got an answer. So do you roller derby?

What else do you do? No, but I dance. What kind of dance? What kind of dance? Hip hop. Hip hop? Is that true? Can you give us a little example

of what that might sound like? You have some good hip-hop loaded up. DJ Warrant on the ones and twos. Oh, yeah. Yeah, any. God, this is like worse than Fear Factor for me. Like, watch. It's like, are you going to eat these fucking worms?

Play some hip hop. We just got word. Nikki is fired from her job and her boyfriend just broke up with her. All at the same time. She squirted. By the way, they were all on board up until that part. Up until the dancing part. Then the boyfriend's like,

I like the dancing. I thought the dancing was great. I thought the dancing was great. She's great. I never thought he says, I wouldn't, because you can actually do it, I would think about incorporating it, and I can't believe I'm saying that,

because I wouldn't normally be like a prop, but when you're really good at it. Oh, Morgan, you are so far gone at this point. I don't think I am. Nikki, Nikki, do you have any advice for Morgan right now? Look, it's not a bad thing to see someone's strength and tell them to go for it. I just feel like I'm trying to help people in their own ways.

I don't... I could see a lot of success in the future of Nikki Bon Bon. Black Panther was big this weekend. She could be White Cougar. I'm just saying that I don't see you doing a sort of spoken word soliloquy on gun control.

Fucking have fun. If you want to do a fucking impression of someone doing that, do that. Have fun. I don't know. Why are you mad at me for telling someone to do it when they're good at it?

We're not mad. I think the collective word is bemused. Doesn't Nicki Bon Bon sound like a Ricky Martin song? Honestly, I never went by. I always went by Nicole Lee Smith until like two months ago because on social media,

people would be like, oh, hey, Nicki, Nicki Bon Bon. It was too much. So I tried switching, but now I'm getting fewer. It was too much feedback on social media, people would be like, oh, hey, Nikki, Nikki Bonbon. Nicole's like, it was too much. So I tried switching, but now I'm getting fewer. It was too much feedback on social media. How many followers do you have, Nikki? Um, 1,400. Wow.

Hey, so many friends. I don't, by the way, I know you're gonna get mad at me again, and I'm sorry if I'm nervous, but I really do feel like you have, like, a knack for doing impressions of different kinds of basic women. Do you? Really? Is this true?

Wow, can you do a couple of impressions of basic women right now? Alright, hold on. By the way, for those of you that don't know this, we have a running segment on this show where people that do impressions have to go up against the great and powerful Jeremiah Walken. So for every impression that you do, proving

that he can do any impression better than people pulled out of a bucket. So you already have an advantage. You do your best impression first. Here she is, Nikki Bonbon. Tell us who you're going to do first. This is Instagirl. It's not like a famous... I just do impersonations. Yeah, Instagirl.

I like these better. I like these better. I like these third types. These are original characters. Instagirl. Not just a type of girl on Instagram. Morgan, what are you, her attorney? Thank you. No, I do it on Instagram.

What the fuck is going on in here? It's my Instagirl. I'm a Republican. I feel like somehow between... Why do I feel like between the two of you, somehow you both voted for Hillary Clinton seven times? I feel like you guys have absentee votes and shit. I voted for Hillary over Bill.

Is that weird? Go ahead. What's that? Out of all the law things, it's the worst theme song to play. But no one recognizes that part. You always play the sax part. It's the next part that's famous. Yeah, it's not this part. You always play the sax part. It's the next part that's famous. Yeah, it's not this part.

You should start it now. That's when you fucking start the lost song. No one knows this opening sax thing. I'm telling you. Smart people do. No, they don't. That's not a thing. Smart people that are 40 and sad.

All right. That was the least indulgent part of this whole podcast. All right, Nikki Bon Bon. Other than the fact that you're a broken Natasha Leggero, you're going to... I think that there's... I thought you guys were comedy fans and could handle that joke.

I'm sorry. I'll dial back. Nikki, you were very fun. Maybe change your name back. I like Anthony's advice. Nikki Bon Bon sounds horrible. I like Bon Bons. One for each one of them. Never mind. Another failed joke.

Nikki Bon Bon, everybody. There she goes. Nikki Bon Bon. More like Nikki Bomb Bomb. Am I right, people? Hey, was that the last one? We have one more left. You guys want to do one more and then get out of here? Let's do this.

We met some fun characters tonight, so who knows what can happen. Put your hands together for Christina Galston. Here we go. Hey, what's up everybody? Happy to be here. I love smoking weed I'm a regular blunt slut about it I really love smoking weed I hate when people don't agree with smoking weed Right? You know, because there's nothing bad that will happen to you If you smoked too much weed That's right, nothing bad would happen

The worst thing that would happen is you would go home Yeah, you'd make one stop to like Walmart so you could buy the biggest fucking bag of Doritos you can find. It's like Walmart body size. Run, bitch. It's the display. You'll take those Doritos home. You'll eat fucking all of them. And okay, you might pass out possibly masturbating with your cheesy hand. That can happen to anybody. Don't break eye contact with me. I need you now more than ever, okay? When you wake up with a bright orange

vagina, you just rinse it off. Alright? Repeat my personal favorite mantra. New day, new pussy, new me. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Christina Galston. Thank you. Very fun. This is another person. Definitely your first time on the show,

right? Yes, my first time on the show. I'd remember you. I haven't seen you since you starred in the movie White Men Can't Jump with Woody Harrelson and Wesley You lost the money, Billy? You lost the fucking money? That was my Jeopardy money Billy that was supposed to be

so we could start a future fucking love that thank you do you do that bit every time you meet a Latina no no by the way

it's much more the outfit's much more fly girl yeah thank you it's much more JLo I appreciate that you're welcome

I know shit for knowing which Latina I was channeling. I'm also a Latina. Are you Latina? She's 1% Latina. She's as Native American as Kevin Lawrence. Christina, where are you from?

I'm originally from St. Pete, Florida, but I just came from New York here. I've been in New York like 12 years. Very cool. And now you live here. I just like am here for like pilot season, but I'm about to start a job tomorrow, so I don't know.

Dang. I don't even know. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know. Really? Yeah. So you act as well as do stand-up? I mean, I do more stand-up. I wouldn't call know. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know. Really? Yeah. So you act as well as do stand-up? I mean, I do more stand-up.

I wouldn't call myself an actress, but I would be like, I've acted. How long have you been doing stand-up for? Like 12 years. That's awesome. Yeah. Fuck yeah. All in New York, pretty much. Mostly, yeah, for sure.

Jeremiah Watkins. How many times in your life have you said, I'm keeping this baby? Catch my laugh. have you said, I'm keeping this baby? Never. I've literally never said that. Never, ever. Never. I would never say that. That's just not me. That don't even sound like me.

Not something I would say Wow, you're so cool What do you do for work? I'm about to start working at a dispensary Wow That's crazy Because you seem like the kind of person that would work at a dispensary Or something like that

I mean, yeah I used to wait tables, but yeah Where did you wait tables at? In New York, at a restaurant Yeah, a used to wait tables, but yeah. Where did you wait tables at? In New York at a restaurant. Yeah, a restaurant. Very good. How much weed do you smoke a day? I probably had a blunt and a few joints today

and a dab hit and some edibles. Wow. Fuck. Yeah. I mean, you seemed really comfortable Wow Fuck I mean you seemed really comfortable For being that fucked up on stage I'm having fun Honestly when you were picking the names I was like don't pick me

Don't pick me I was like fuck Yeah but 12 years You should be able to do one minute right Yeah yeah but that was the thing It was the one minute And then I don't know if you could tell, but I got super out of breath.

I moved way too fast before I got up here, and I was like, there's no time. Why were you so out of breath? Was Malcolm trying to bang you in the back or something like that? Yeah, yeah. Where's Malcolm at? Is Malcolm still here? Hi, Malcolm. I fucking love you, buddy. Malcolm was great. He was so funny.

He's the best They're gonna have to Kick Malcolm out of here After you fucking Sucked his dick on me Malcolm should try to Cash her outside How about that There's Joelberg

Wow Listen to the chants Joelberg landing One of those Hard right hands Christina What else are you up to? What else do you do for fun?

Do you have any hobbies? I mean, you live in New York. You're what, Puerto Rican? Yeah. So what do you do when you're not getting your nails did? I'm not getting my nails did. I don't know. I just be chilling.

I just smoke weed, chill. But what do you do when you chill? What do you watch? Like Maury Povich? No, right now You seem like you would watch Maury Povich No, no, no I don't know what that means

I've been watching a lot of Planet Earth Because I just got my friend's Netflix So I've been watching a lot of Planet Earth Oh shit Yeah I didn't know bodegas got Netflix They do I hate y'all Planet Earth I didn't know bodegas got Netflix. They do.

I hate y'all. Planet Earth. Fuck yeah. Yeah, so it's fun. You know, I like eating foods. What kind of foods? What's your favorite food? I'm all about fast food.

I'm all about these hot dogs here. These hot dogs here are the best hot dogs I've ever had. Hot dogs? Wait, wait, wait. I think it's the weed, not the hot dogs. No. Every hot dog is wrapped in bacon. There's no such thing as a baconless hot dog. They're amazing, and they're nice and fat.

Jeremiah Watkins. Tony, she looks like the Little Mermaid if she lived under bong water. Oh, yeah. Thank you. I like your stoner talk about being a stoner. I like the... Is this about me?

No, Morgan. No. Just relax. Alright. In the beginning, I thought you were funny and then when you were like, I got stoned so I went and bought Doritos, I was like was like oh this is getting hack and then you brought it back you made something hack good again

orange powder on the exactly yeah which I thought was surprised me and that's so rare hanging out with guys like this I thought you were going to say I had orange powder down there and my boyfriend thought I Cheeto'd on him am I right?

what? why do you look at me for that? but he Cheetos bro I had orange powder down there and my boyfriend thought I Cheeto'd on him. Am I right? What? Why do you look at me for that? But he Cheetos, bro. Yeah, throughout your set, you kept bailing yourself out, which is something I would hope more Puerto Ricans would learn how to do. Fuck yeah, I love the powerful white guy

in the middle there. Really, oh my God. Oh, you can tell like the successful CEO guy right now. Ho, ho, ho. Ho, I wish they would, too. Ho, ho. That was a great laugh, sir. I fucking busted you.

Look, now he's all red covering his face. Don't wipe those tears. You let them hit the floor. They belong to me now. All right, Christina What else? Alright What's your love life like?

You got a man back in New York? No, I'm very single I'm on Bumble Ooh, damn That's right, because I'm in charge I'll talk to you when I'm ready Wow You get in a lot of domestic violence fights, don't you?

Have you ever been arrested? Yes. Domestic violence, right? It wasn't domestic. It was international? That was my roommate. We were not dating. That was my roommate.

Damn. What happened? What went down there? You threw a can of dog food at her or something like that? No, I hit her with an iron. Whoa! Peer, peer, peer, peer, peer. It's a shame I don't have a sound effects guy on this show.

But fuck that. Tony, I... What happened? You wanted to watch RuPaul. She wanted to watch Love and Hip Hop. Shit went down. Tony, Tony. Yes, Joel Berg. Joel, hold on. Wait one second. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Tony, I hit him with the iron because that fucker had too many wrinkles

I was like, take that Alright, tell us what started the argument with the roommate She owed me $10 I don't fight a lot but when I do, it's got to be important. And I had had enough. Wow.

$10, huh? Yeah. It was just like I didn't know I was going to do that. You know what I mean? I didn't plan it. I didn't plug the iron in. It wasn't a hot iron. No, no. I'm not plan it. I didn't plug the iron in. It wasn't a hot iron. No, I'm not a monster.

And the amount of money, as my mother would say, it's the principal. That's what I said! Oh my god, it's the principality! And I know I'm using that word wrong. I had no idea that Puerto Ricans used irons. That's their major... Never mind. Am I wrinkly? No.

All right. Wow. So where'd the iron hit her? In the back of the head and the face. Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait. In the back of the head and the face? Was it a rebound off the wall?

Did you hit her twice? It was like a, you know, I feel like Was she near a corner? No, she was just standing there. While spinning around at the same time. That's what happened. She was counting money. And I was like, how dare you? Are you fucking serious? This is amazing. She was counting money and I was was like, how dare you? Are you fucking serious?

This is amazing. She was counting money and I was just like, what? I'm gonna follow up on Anthony's very smart question that I didn't even notice, which is how did it hit both the back of her head and her face? There's gotta be a reasonable maybe. I feel like if you ever hit somebody ever, you never just hit them once.

Like, you got a two-piece. You got a two-piece. You got a two-piece ready for them. Wait. So you got many... I don't expect the second one to hit them, but if they're still standing there, they're going to go down. Okay. Let me see...

Let me see how crazy you are. I'm going to ask a question of elimination. Do you have two irons in your apartment? Oh my God, right elimination Do you have two irons in your apartment? Oh my god right now I have two irons Wow I used to not have one for years

So you didn't hit her with an iron Pick up the iron and hit her again You threw both your irons at her No I've got a hitting iron And an ironing iron I get it by the way Every once in a while it's good to just let off some steam, you know what I mean?

Fucking throw an iron. People don't borrow money from me anymore now. She calls you Iron Mike Tyson. See, you held the iron like a pair of fucking brass knuckles. Just like, tank, tank. And then on the second one she was probably running away like, oh my god, you just hit me in the face with a fucking iron.

And you're like, tank, in the back of the head. Yeah, yeah. She had a, I'm trying to remember it now. Oh, you didn't throw it at her. You hit her with it. And you kept it and hit her again. Until she laid down. Until she went night-night.

You were just saying something. You were saying she had a, she had a. She had a catchphrase, and I'm trying to remember it now. Oh, no. Let me guess. The catchphrase was, ow, that fucking hurt? It's a fucking iron, you crazy bitch. Who does that to a roommate for $10?

Fucking ow? Something like, stop, no, I forget what the catchphrase is. I don't remember what it was. I've been nice to her, right? Like I was trying to think in my head. I haven't said anything. No. No, you're wonderful.

I love you, too. You hit your friend in the face and she said, No, you've been very nice to her, Morgan, which is crazy because if there's any lady I know who needs to probably have an iron rubbed up against her head, it's you.

No, they didn't. No, they didn't, bitch. No, they didn't. Oh, don't kill him. Please don they didn't. No, they didn't, bitch. No, they didn't. Oh, don't kill him. Please don't kill him. No, no, no. I'm just telling you. He's a nice guy. Oh, Christina. You are cool as fuck. I like your style. When do you go back to

New York? I don't know yet. I just bought like a one-way ticket. Yeah. They dropped the charges. Shut up! I love it, and I like you a lot. We don't have a regular right now, so if you want, you can come back next week and just do a minute on the house.

No bucket involved. Yes, thank you. Next week, we'll see what happens. We're on the hunt for the new regular and Christina Galston and Malcolm for sure just threw their names in the fucking hat for new permanent regular for

Un-Kill Tony. The hunt is on and that is episode I believe 252 live of Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. What the hell? This has never happened before. What's going on, Ryan Chay? What the fuck are you doing? Come on. Bring it up here.

Ryan Chay is being too hard on himself. You guys have any dates or anything coming up that you'd love the hundreds of thousands of millions of listeners to kill? I actually I'm starting a whole tour like a world tour this weekend. Yeah, I go to AnthonyJeselnik.com

I'm everywhere. I love it. World tour Anthony Jeselnik. An unbelievable drawing from Ryan J. That's available at RyanJJ.com That's great. Why wouldn't you like that? Morgan Murphy. What's going on? Can we talk about

the show that you just wrote? No, we can talk about Roseanne. Morgan Murphy wrote part of the new Roseanne. She's one of the writers on the new Roseanne with Roseanne. It's fucking Roseanne, ladies and gentlemen.

That airs March 27th. I think it's going to be really good and I think it's going to surprise everybody on all the sides of the things. And make sure you listen to Morgan's new podcast The Los Feliz Podcast It's about my neighborhood.

It already has more write-ups than Kill Tony has ever had because it's The Los Feliz Podcast and that's where people that write write-ups actually live. That's a great podcast to have. It also has a lot to do with jokes like that. No, it's a little inside baseball,

but that is true. The bloggers, anyway, forget it. Jeremiah Watkins, go ahead. Yes, I have a new podcast called Jeremiah Wonders. Listen to the latest episode with Eric Griffin. Anthony Jeselnik will be a guest very soon on it. Wait, how did you

get Eric Griffin? We are friends. Oh, wow. Congratulations. Yes. March 1 through 3 I'll be in Sacramento Punchline with Tony Hinchcliffe. And on March 4, HBO

crashing the season finale with Tony Hinchcliffe. And on March 4th, HBO crashing the season finale with Tony Hinchcliffe as well. That's true. I am on the season finale of Crashing on HBO with Pete Holmes, Judd Apatow, Patty Reagan. Fuck yeah. Patty Reagan is on social media at, what is it, Greg's Dad? Greg's Dad. 99. Chroma Chris. No, I'm just, Greg's dad? Greg's dad. 99. Chroma Chris.

Now I'm just Chroma Chris Instagram. That's all I do. Fuck yeah. We got Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez back there. Joel Berg, ladies and gentlemen. He's mostly sorry on social media. Anything else? I'll be here next week. Fuck yeah. He'll be here on Kill Tony, where we will also be with the great Sal Volcano from Impractical Jokers and another amazing guest.

Sunday here. TBD. There's a stand-up show Sunday, which we're all doing here. That'll be fun. And another crazy Kill Tony with, again, Impractical Jokers, Sal Volcano, and a bunch of other fun guests coming up really soon. So thank you, live audience. We had so much fun with you tonight. Have a good night.