KILL TONY - KILL TONY #253

Episode Date: March 3, 2018

Sal Vulcano, Doug Benson, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 02/26/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to deathsquad.tv for all the past episodes. Click on Videos to find all the past videos of it. Also, if you want to check out any of us live, you can click on Tour Dates. Not only does Kill Tony record every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, but we're always going on the road. Me and Jeremiah this week, March 8th,

are actually going down to San Diego at the La Jolla Comedy Store. That's at 8 p.m. Also, Kill Tony Phoenix is coming up April 5th. And Kill Tony Nashville is going to be at the Nashville Comedy Festival. That's around April 16th through the 22nd. Go to deathsquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. Everything Golden Pony is TonyHinchcliffe.com.

There you can see all his tour dates. He's all over the place. He's going to be at Parler Live in Bellevue. He's going to be at the Comedy Connection, Wise Guys, Spokane, Punchline. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. He has the new Kill Tony book that me and

Tony have been signing and sending out. You can go to RyanJEbelt.com. Last but not least, go to ShopSquad.TV. That's made on Squarespace, which is our sponsor on this episode. There you can find all of the Death Squad merch, including the hats, the shirts, and the Kill Tony shirt.

So check out shopsquad.tv, created on Squarespace. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band Company, live the world famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff. Fuck yeah. Low volume ass having started the show. Welcome, everybody. Come on, make some noise.

We're here. It's the number one live podcast in the world. Brian Red Band's here. The great Ryan J.E. Belt's drawing tonight's episode. There's Josh Martin. I'm so excited because Kill Tony's going on the road again to Phoenix, Arizona, April 5th. So that's a really, really, really big deal because that's a Kill Tony live on the road. And the entire band is officially coming with us.

Are they? Jeremiah Watkins, Pat Reagan, and the great Joel Jimenez. That's on April 5th, and then 6th and 7th, and the 8th. A Sunday show I found out about today. We are in Tempe, Arizona at the Tempe Improv.

So there's stand-up shows there for those of you listening to the live podcast all around the world. Jesus fucking Christ. So that's when that is. And I'm also doing stand-up in Sacramento, Seattle, Providence, Salt Lake City, Spokane, Washington, San Francisco, and Boston. Tickets available for that at TonyHinchcliffe.com.

Speaking of TonyHinchcliffe.com, you know what it is? It's a Squarespace website. You can make one yourself. Think it, dream it, make's a Squarespace website. You can make one yourself. Think it, dream it, make it with Squarespace. You can turn your cool idea into a new website, showcase your work, publish your content, sell products and services of all kinds, promote your online business, or announce an upcoming event and more. I have my whole website designed on it, shopsquad.tv. I made a store, have the Death Squad hats, the Kill Tony shirt is on there,

and I've been using Squarespace for years. I recommend them highly. I have my mom on it, you know? Yeah. So she has a flower company on there. And she did it herself, and she barely knows how to use a toaster or brush her teeth, so.

Well, there you go. I mean, for those of you that have trouble brushing your teeth and want a new website, Squarespace is for you. And it's also for anybody. I mean, like we said, literally our websites are and always have been Squarespace. So you can head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code KILL to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

That's squarespace.com. Enter the code KILL, and save 10% off your first purchase. You guys ready to start this puppy up or what? Here we go. Every single week I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show.

It's probably one of the, if I can say myself, probably one of the best booked fucking comedy shows I've ever heard of in my life, this show. 250 some fucking episodes. And it's just so fun. This week's no different. Put your hands together for the great Doug Benson and Sal Volcano. Holy shit.

That's a typical Monday, right? Who has more fun on Mondays than us? Nobody? It's Doug and Sal. Kill Tony guest veterans. Can I say absolute royalty on this show? You guys have done it a thousand times and it's good to have you back. Well, you know, I enjoy smoking out of a volcano, so I understand why you would make that error tonight. Sal, welcome back. Hello, how's everybody doing?

Fuck yeah. Terrific. Your enthusiasm doesn't really match mine. Shit, that's what I meant to say. I didn't mean to make it all about me. Are you going to slam the mic after everything you say tonight? No, only the gems. See, I knew that wasn't that good.

Fuck yeah. We just did the Impractical Jokers cruise together. Yeah, we had a lovely time. That was a lot of fun. We all three stayed on board the entire cruise. I didn't leave it. But you look over the side thinking, what would happen if I just fucking jumped?

Most likely, you'd think you wouldn't die, but everybody dies. They all do? Yeah, it's because there's an undertow thing that happens with the ship. You get pulled right into the propellers. Yeah, you get all chopped up. And then the fish are like, ooh, bite size. More times people go over for murder than though, than they do for jumping themselves.

Right. That's another thing I thought about. Like, what if I push Tony Hinchcliffe off of this boat? The difference is that I have actually trained in that type of situation, so I know what to do. How do you train for that? No, no, no. It's true. What do you do? What do you do? You swim down really, really low way below the boat and just wait for it to pass? Here's what happens. First of all, you have to try to land on your back.

And then when you do, you just make like a really fast snow angel when you hit the water. All right. I had nothing. I don't know. I'm stalling for the band. Are we ready to go on this? Let's just do it anyway. See what happens.

All right. Every single week we have a band. Let's go fast because Brian's got a hunting expedition he has to go on. Brian just got roasted. He is very Stone Cold Steve Austin-esque. Oh, yeah? Very Cameron Hayes type of keep hammering over there, Brian.

It's khaki Mondays. You guys don't do khaki? Yeah, you do Khaki Mondays. Okie dokie. I officially lost control of the whole thing. I love the ring of it. Snow Angels. Yep.

We have a band that is part of the show, and they commit to different characters every single week. Some weeks it takes longer for them to commit than other weeks. I believe they are ready now. So I give you the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band, Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Jimenez.

Oh, wow. This is the NWO theme music, and Joel Berg is out in full Goldberg garb. Wow, and the tattoo. Definitely a stuffed underwear. I can see the outline of whatever he stuffed in there. Wow. Macho man Patty Reagan, it appears to be. Chroma Chris is definitely the undertaker. And holy shit, it's Hulk Hogan, Jeremiah Watkins. Wow, this is going to be a fun one.

Oh, fuck. I fucking love this show, man. Holy shit. Wow, look at you. I have been a fan of yours, sir, since I was a little kid. I had a Hulk Hogan poster on my wall. I had the big punching bag that was taller than me. Hello, Hulk Hogan. Welcome to the show.

Everybody had that stuff, brother. Because Hulkamania was wild and loose. Wow, you didn't even learn the lines for the character. So committed, it almost fooled me, but I've been watching it since I was a kid, so I know he doesn't normally say anything about getting loose. Say your poems and eat your medicines. You also look really, you look thinner than usual.

Are you dying of something? Are you afraid of these 12-inch pythons, brother? Wow. I'm excited. We got the macho man, Randy Savage, over there with what appears to be one of the tightest beards I've ever seen in my entire life. Oh, yeah. It's not tight enough. You can still talk through it.

And then we have the Undertaker over there, always silent but deadly. And then, of course, here he is. Wow, definitely Goldberg, Bill Goldberg. Wow, how are you today, Goldberg? Ready to spear this show, Tony. Wow. How are you today, Goldberg? Ready to spear this show, Tony. Wow. Hey, brother Red Band, did you have another track on there that was sent to you? I really... It was the wrong track that we came out to.

Completely wrong. It's the one you sent me. Nope, there was another one. There definitely was another one. That's what I did. Click on the email, though. There was one email before that that said intro, and then there was another one.

No. Nope. Hulk, I don't know why you send your own emails, but I think you should maybe proofread them before you send them. I'm looking at it. I don't have representation anymore, brother. Hulk Hogan, by the way, Hulk Hogan, why do you sign all your emails Jeremiah Watkins?

www.jeremiahwatkins.tv Big fan of that guy. Hey, that's a great mustache. Are you the lift that I ordered? Nailed it. Oh, man. You look like you lost a little boa backstage there. It's very light on the boa.

I had another sex tape going on back there. Wow, we don't want to get through all your jokes too fast here, Hulk Hogan. So let's keep it moving. Don't waste all your references this early. Almost 100 people signed up for tonight's show for the opportunity to do one minute on this stage. Look at them. They're all stacked on top of each

other over there. Look at little Lila Hart. Little baby star. Aphrodite, the legend killer right here, right next to us. How many of you are real Kill Tony fans out there? Jesus. I wish I wouldn't ask. Sometimes it's more fun to just

not ask. Where are the fake ones at? Yeah, you fucking faker. Sons of bitches. I pull a name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out

the angry West Hollywood bear. You get it. That's it. I already pulled the name out of the bucket ladies and gentlemen. Hey, look at that. Put your hands together for Matthew Maloney. You know Matthew. He's been on this show. Here he is, Matthew Maloney, everybody.

Come on, put your hands together for him. Are you guys as tired... Do you think women are as tired of being harassed as I am of hearing about it? I got some problems with the Me Too movement. Not because I don't think it's totally deserved, but I'm just a big fan of grammar. Every time I hear a woman say Me Too, I want to be, Ah, it's supposed to be myself as well.

Me too. I want to be... It's supposed to be myself as well. But apparently that's mansplaining. Speaking of grammar, are you guys aware that if you misspell anything in Microsoft Word, you could right-click that, peruse all of the options like all of the other sheep. But if you're a badass like me,

just scroll a little lower, you can add that shit to the dictionary. Fuck yeah, Matthew Maloney. That was great. You're adorable, Matthew. I really am sick of listening to all that Me Too stuff. Whoa, okie dokie. Wow, Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God. Wow, sound effects, sound effects. Stick with the sound. You're very good at that. Very good at that, Brian. No, I mean, like... No, you mean what, Steve Bannon? What the fuck are you talking about? Jesus Christ.

I mean, not the movement, like you said, but it's also kind of like the shootings. I'm kind of done with all the shooting on the news. Yeah, stop talking about it. Just let it happen. Literally dug yourself a deeper hole. Let me explain myself. I'm sick of the shootings, too.

The fuck are you talking about? Myself as well on the shootings myself. I'm sick of the shootings, too. What the fuck are you talking about? Myself as well on the shootings. I'm just sick of the news. Very good, Brian. Yes, but hashtag, what was your correction? Myself as well. You should definitely get that going, because that's not insulting.

That's just saying it properly, but also supporting the movement. You know what I mean? Matthew, what snowman did you get your jacket from? You are absolutely adorable. What kind of bed do you sleep in? Is it a tiny bed? Tell the truth.

It's a queen size. Dairy queen size? Come on. I don't know. Stupid. Oh, wow. Points for that one. Is your name actually Kane, brother?

Oh, okay. And points taken away from Hulk Hogan over there. Who's running the audio? They're gonna go in a body bag. You are a wall of a man but with a very gentle touch to you Yeah, and by touch he means you have a giant baby head You seem sweet Like from behind you look hulking and intimidating and then you turn around and you seem welcoming and warm

Yeah, you seem like you like the lollipops on a stick, like the round ones, you know, that you have to really lick sideways. Don't do that. You have nothing to prove. Hey, do you guys know John Panette? Yeah. Don't you see a little of that right there?

Yeah, it's old school, but he was a very funny comic who's no longer with us. Do you do a lot of cocaine? No, I do not. Okay, then you're on the path to living longer than that guy did. Good for you on that. We should clarify, you look like him now.

Oh, no. No, I'm kidding. You look like a dead John Fennett, that's right. I do remember the last time Matthew was on, we talked about you started a creme brulee addiction. Right? Am I right? Yeah, yeah.

I started making creme brulee, but I'm more of a tiramisu guy now. Wow, what happened? You've evolved. It was too much work cracking the surface of that creme brulee. He's like, I need something that's softer from jump. When did it switch over to tiramisu? How much tiramisu were you eating?

This crowd does not like creme brulee jokes. I don't know, man. I just started making it. But I have my own lady finger. How often do you eat tiramisu? Twice a week. Wow. I mean, you say it like there's a right or a wrong answer

Matthew And that was definitely the wrong answer You're having it more than twice a week Can I be honest with you guys about something? Yes I was on not too long ago Same kind of response as getting My mother watched the show

Because I was on it. Oh, my God. Texted me back that she cried while hearing the fat jokes. Oh, my God. Keep doing it. Keep doing it because she needs to learn to get stronger. You know what? You know what?

I want to do something really cool right now. This is a segment of the show that we call Call Your Motherfucking Mother. Oh, mother! Son of a bitch. Mother! Hit that shit. Let's do it. Tell your children all the ways. He's now calling his mom.

You agree to put her on speakerphone? What time zone is she in right now? This one. This one. Perfect. Fucking 8.30. No excuses, bitch. Let's do this shit. Fucking crybaby. She might be watching the voice.

Anything could be happening. Put it on speaker and turn that volume up. Yeah, and put your mic at the bottom part, yeah. Yeah, there you go. Here we go. Okay, wherever the... Wait, maybe it's a different phone? Where does it come out at?

Hey, how you doing? Hey, babe, what's up? There you go. Hello. I got good news and I got bad news. She's clearly not watching. What's the bad news? I got on Kill Tony again.

Oh. Oh. Oh. The bad news is I'm on Kill Tony right now. Is your mom Tim Allen? Live audience. Hello, Mrs. Maloney. Hello, it's me, Tony Hinchcliffe. How are you today?

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Tony Hinchcliffe, how are you today? Uh-oh. Tony, ask Matthew why he doesn't call his mother very often. Oh. Let's stop peeling this onion. Maybe she was crying for different reasons, Maloney Maybe she was crying because all that she finds out about you

Is from the Kill Tony show, Matthew You used to tell me, now you're telling the world I have to watch it for myself Wait, what? Actually, it's kind of hard to hear you, hon Okay, I know, I'm yelling right now. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let the audience silence.

Mrs. Maloney, Matthew told us that you may have shed a tear last week. Do you happen to remember the joke that was made that made you cry about the way Matthew looks? Uh-oh. It's really hard to hear him. If he could speak a little slower. It's really hard to hear him if he could speak a little slower. Do you happen to remember the joke that I made on Matthew specifically about the way that he looks that made you cry from last week? From last week?

Or no, no, no, from when you watched the show. Yeah, well. What joke made you cry? I don't really remember. Fuck. It was the one about me being fat, though, I'm sure. There wasn't only one. Which one, brother?

He can handle it. It's just that sometimes I help him work on his weight, and sometimes he's real diligent about it. What do you help him do exactly? The kid's eating tiramisu twice a week. Without her, it'd be four times. She sneaks into his house at night and throws away tiramisu. Does she hold your feet during sit-ups? Listen, first of all, lady, hey, nice lady.

I mean, at least this week, we didn't say the word fat, and I think his face looks like John Panette, not his body. Mrs. Maloney, Mrs. Maloney, I'm sorry, my friend just tried to make a John Panette joke work again. He's really, really convinced

that maybe, perhaps, they looked him up since the last joke and did the research, but it failed again. I'm back. Mrs. Maloney. Wait, no, Mrs. Maloney. Okay, so let me ask you this. Fuck, I fucking forgot it, son of a bitch. Yeah, too bad tearing down my non-joke.

I was pointing out to her that I did not call him fat. Okay. That was my point. Mrs. Maloney, I'm sorry. I'm so excited about this cell. What did you feed him fat. Okay. That was my point. Mrs. Maloney, I'm sorry. I'm so excited about this, Sal. What did you feed him when he was a baby? Oh, you know, he would always reach for the vegetables. Wow, times have changed.

Okay, Ms. Full of Baloney. Yeah, I'm sure you had so many vegetables ready at hand for little Matthew here. You just got whammied, Mrs. Maloney. Tony, I have a question. Yes. Is your breast milk salted or unsalted? Are you doing okay?

She's doing great. Put her back on. Put her back on. Put her back on. Please, let me get closing words. Mrs. Maloney, I want to thank you for being on this show. You're a sweet, sweet lady, and we're roasting your son, and we're all having fun,

and thank you for having such a great sense of humor. If it's all in good fun, it's great, right? Yes. Yes, if it's all in good fun, it's great. Got weird there at the end. I love you, Mom, and I'll call you more, okay? Oh, my God. Matthew Maloney.

Even for the Hulkster, that was cruel and unusual punishment. And that was Mother with Matthew Maloney. There goes Matthew Maloney. Matthew E. Maloney on Twitter. Oh, also his jokes were good. Oh, Jesus, Matthew. Oh, what happened? Oh, my God.

You know what? That's going to be the part where your mom cries when she rewatches this. Good job. The jokes were good. It's going to be like he did so good. He went through all the improv challenges that he gave him and then he tripped on the wire. It's just a terrible dismount. It's an unfortunate

thing. We saw a lot of things during the Olympics where things didn't go where people hoped they would. It's terrible when that happens. Matthew Maloney could not fucking butter stick that landing. His best chance tonight is the bronze. Alright, so let's

keep this fun. You literally just made snot fly out of my nose. This is a whole room full of people that didn't watch a second of the Olympics. Right? Oh, okay. Yeah, what are you, a bunch of John Penn fans in here? They also don't know.

They don't even know if they watched the Olympics. That was what that reaction was. You might have caught some of it. The Olympics are like this weird old relic that have not... Since the internet started, it's just been like, fuck that shit. The Olympics are so dumb. We have Tom Brady and UFC and shit. We don't need to worry about that.

I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Margo Hamilton. Here we go. Put your hands together for Margo Hamilton, everyone. Come on. I'm out of breath. That was a really long walk. So, get that shit out of breath. That was a really long walk. So, get that shit out of here.

So the one time I go to Paris, I'm traveling alone, and I get taken. Honestly, I was just looking for some Wi-Fi. I was traveling by myself. I was in by myself. I was in college, and I overheard two men speaking English. So my first thought was, oh, safety!

Two strange men speaking English. I should hang out with them. The best part, or one of the best things, the light of the situation about being taken in Paris is the free walking tour. I saw everything. I saw the Moulin Rouge. I saw the Eiffel Tower. But unfortunately, I was unable to see

the Louis Vuitton flagship store because I was being put into a van. If I had it my way, I would have settled for some 4G instead of ending up in a sex dungeon. Fuck yeah, Margo Hamilton. Hello. How's it going?

I'm hot. I don't really think you are. I'm sorry, it was too easy. I'm sorry, Margo. That's okay, I'm very confident. Welcome to another episode of Make Women Cry with Tony Hinchcliffe. Matthew's mom. I'm going two for two on this one. Let's start by attacking the substance.

How could you see all those places and then they put you in the van? I will tell you the story. We're going to go after logic right now. Logic, logic. At first, there were three men, and they were all my age. So I was like, okay, great. Wait, I need to stop you. Were you taken?

I'm so confused. Were you taken? I was put into a van. I'm so sorry. You must understand where we're coming from. I understand. Why did you see all those other places before getting to the van? Because he told me that we were going to walk to his house to get Wi-Fi.

Wait, wait, this is a real story? Yes, this is a real story. Wait, my first critique is going to be clearly, you know, it has to come from a place of truth. Yeah, it's one of my... You left out one of the captains. You were kidnapped in Paris. Yeah, I was waiting for some, you know, hacky Liam Neeson punchline

after you said that you were taken and it just wasn't. Yeah, like my dad has a certain set of skills like not taking my calls would be one of them. Yeah, like she just gets worse and worse into this situation because Liam Neeson is not your dad. But you're okay, clearly. It worked out

okay. Yeah, I got out of it. It's not really a one minute story. No, not at dad. But you're okay, clearly. It worked out okay. Yeah, I got out of it. It's not really a one-minute story. No, not at all. What kind of van did they throw you in? An ice cream truck? Okay, you fuckers are going to hold me? All right. All right, then I won't try to make those jokes

if you're going to be that kind of crowd. No, it's okay. You're going to leave me off on my own fucking little island? Then I won't go for it, then. That's what you get. Hey, brother, maybe we should call her mom too. She doesn't know that that happened to me.

Okay, so then what happened? I'm ready. So what really happened? Okay, so what really happened was... She got put back. She was taken and they were like, okay, well, that didn't work out. Can I give just a slight critique, which is what we're here to do? It's a crazy ass story. I couldn't tell that that was real.

And the fact that it is makes, you need to come at that, I feel, in a way that sets a tone that that's real. Get everybody in. And then you can kind of make light of it. Maybe don't say taken because everyone thinks it's going to be taken jokes. Do you know the taken films? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah. You have to say, I was literally kidnapped.

But wait, so the reference is just saying that you're taken and then you say nothing else that corresponds with the movies. I've never talked about this out loud before. Okay. If there's any more, I would love to know how I can make my traumatic story better. Why are you sounding sarcastic? Yeah. When given the opportunity to actually do it.

What's that sarcasm? I can't tell. I get called facetious a lot. I think I go into my East Coast nasal. Is that what you call it? Okay. Oh, wait. Okay.

Facetious? You called it traumatic now. There was nothing that came out of the stand-up that was traumatic. It felt like you might have been the whole time fabricating a story and just using taken as a parallel. I'm fascinated that it's real, and I want to know more. All of this for Wi-Fi? I was traveling in Paris by myself.

My parents were like, we're not going to buy you a phone. Good luck. Wow. So they really loved me. Sounds like you were a given. There's Joel Bergen, a nice, bold chant from the crowd. Wow, Margo. That's even a better setup, that you went to Paris,

your parents sent you there without a phone, and this is all because of what they did to you, just something like that. You were okay then? Yeah. So they took you because why, and how did you get away? I got away because I went in their house. Did they touch your feet or anything? Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Just wait. They, like, really, like, pinned me on the bed and started threatening me. Like, you'll never get Wi-Fi. They're like, you'll have to settle for 4G. Yeah. Did you have a laptop with you? What did you even need Wi-Fi for if you didn't have a phone? So why were you going to get Wi-Fi?

Yeah, I was hungry. I was hanging. You should talk about that. You're not saying Wi-Fi? Yeah, I was hungry. I was hanging. You should talk about that. You're not saying Wi-Fi. You're just saying let them use your computer. Like, hey, they're letting me use their computer. No, I didn't want to use their computer. I had my phone on all the time when I was traveling by myself in Europe.

I had my phone on airplane mode so you can hook up. Like I would hang out at a McDonald's and hook up to free Wi-Fi. I got you. I got you. So you have your phone, a baguette, and these guys throw you in a van, and then they take you to a house. Yeah, in like the middle of the Chandelier, which is like a very

wealthy strip. Yeah, sounds nice. I'm from Connecticut. I mean, if you're gonna get taken, you wanna be taken to the Chandelier? What did they want, your baguette? I think so. They wanted baguette? I think so. They wanted baguette and butter with it.

I heard they used a Royale with cheese as bait. I'm trying. No, it's okay. I'm trying to figure out what you meant by butter with it. What does that mean? She's the butter. What? Nothing.

She's ovulating, brother. My Fitbit's going off. Margo, how long have you been doing stand-up? Not long. How long? Like two months. Like two months? I thought you were going to say about a minute.

Cute. Did you have PTSD from it for a while? Is that why you have a pacifier button on your... No, no, no. Are you a baby? I am a true baby. I am an elder. Chris D'Elia's called.

Oh, no. What's happening? What's happening? What's happening what's happening adult babies I'm your elder bitch Jesus Christ Margo over here no one has any idea what you fucking weird YouTube comment trolls are talking about nobody has any idea what I've been talking about

since I got up here Jesus Christ Margo just relax it takes a lot to get up here. Don't be scared or anything. You're so kind. I watch you on TV sometimes. He's the nicest of all of us, for sure. Maybe I could take you to the back, get you some free Wi-Fi. Oh, thank God.

I've been really using up the data. Margo, where are you originally from? I'm originally from Hartford, Connecticut. And how long have you been in L.A.? About a year and a half. What do you do for work? I'm a nanny. Whoa, I would not trust you with my kid. Yeah, you're all about taking

things. I feel like you're a baby shaker. I could picture you like, shut the fuck up! I could picture you getting really mad. Awesome. No, I don't handle children under five. Perfect.

Should I look at you guys too? Okay. All right, Margo. Anything crazy ever happen when you're nannying? Yeah, children suck. So most of the time it's a nightmare. But I get paid really well. You do?

Yeah. Can I borrow 20 bucks? Yeah, who's talking to me? Can I cash app you? Goldberg is down on his luck. All right, Margo. I'm ready. Ready for what?

I don't know. I thought you were going to talk to me more. Wow, look at that. Someone wants to get thrown in a fucking van. Am I right, people? Margo Hamilton, everybody. There she goes. At Homegirl Margs.

M-A-R-G-S. All right. I'm glad she's safe. A couple months in. I'm glad she got through it. Go, Margo. Wow. We're Team Margo up here.

Very strange name. I hope this is real. Put your hands together for Goat vs. Fish. Yeah, I'm sure it's a real name. Come on, come on. You got to keep... It's a whole thing. Oh, Jesus Christ.

This guy's got a whole thing going on. Make some fucking noise for Goat vs. Fish. In the beginning, there was Goat vs. Fish. The Goat Fish. And Goat vs. Fish said that there should be goat and that there should be fish. There is no alpha or omega. There is no black or white. There is no good or evil.

There is only goat and fish and goat versus fish. Who is goat versus fish? What is goat versus fish? Why is goat versus fish? There is only one question. Are you goat or are you fish? Ponder it, ponder it now. This is goat versus fish. This is goat versus fish.

This is goat versus fish. That did not sound like a goat or a fish. Goat versus fish heard. It sounded like. There you go. Goat versus fish. That's goat versus fish. I was trying to shake my phone to make it go faster.

Jesus Christ. Okay. Brian Redband really taking control tonight. Lots of jokes being fired off, one after the other, very, very quickly. Goat versus fish. Yes. What the fuck was that? That was goat versus fish.

That was goat versus fish. Did you take Margo? Oh, the one that was speaking, the one that was speaking. The one that was speaking. No, that one. Goat versus fish has not even asked that one if it is a goat or a fish. Did you run out of the scripted material before the minute was up so that you started talking slower? Ah, it was written.

It was written that it was goat versus fish. Yes, it was all written that it was goat versus fish. Wow, where does this ever work? Like, what venue? Ah, there is the Goat vs. Fish podcast that is recorded at the Comedy Store Los Angeles. Yes, at the Comedy Store Los Angeles. Yes.

That's a real thing? This is awful. Thanks, Brian. Can we move on to a different one? Is that real? Goat vs. Fish is a podcast? Yes, it is. It is here at the Comedy Store Los Angeles. Yes, it is a place of Goat vs. Fish. They podcast? Yes, it is. It is here at the Comedy Store Los Angeles.

Yes, it is a place of Goat vs. Fish. Have you seen this guy before? Yes, it is Goat vs. Fish. I kept thinking two things the entire time. One, I was imagining you practicing this in your mirror at home in your apartment. And two, I was like, if he didn't call your name, you would have been just walking around like this all night. It is forever Goat vs. Fish. It is forever goat versus fish.

It is forever goat versus fish. I don't really think it's forever, dude. I guarantee you two or three months you're going to put this shit aside at most. I give you a thousand points on commitment because it doesn't work at all. He thought of this bit when he got out of the royal shower.

Patty Reagan. Hey, brother. I've seen you before and I've seen your act out of the royal shower. Patty Reagan. He just looked in the mirror. Hey, brother, I've seen you before, and I've seen your act before, and I've seen you, one time I saw you walking on Sunset about a week ago or something. Yes, yes, yes.

And I had the thought, like, what the fuck is this guy's life? It is Goat vs. Fish. When he's done being Goat vs. Fish. And so my question for you is, I guess, how did you come up with Goat vs. Fish? It has always been goat versus fish. Ah, son of a bitch.

Get out of here. Please. How would you describe, sir, the battle of the sexes? Ah, goat versus fish has heard of the sex, yes, yes. There is the man and the woman, they do say. He didn't even just say goat versus fish. That's all I was looking for was goat versus fish. That's all I wanted was goat versus fish. That's all I was looking for. It's goat versus fish, obviously. That's all I wanted was goat versus fish.

Now we're double talking. Can you imagine that podcast? Yes, you do not have to imagine it. You can listen to it now, even now. There he goes, goat versus fish, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Jesus fucking Christ. This show's crazy.

That's the first podcast for schizophrenic homeless people. I don't think it's the first. All right, get off the stage. Whoa, Brian's extra mad. Brian's extra mad, aggressive, hosty, and jokey tonight. It's all happening. I will be facing goat versus fish next week in this. All right. It all goes down next week in this. All right.

It all goes down next week on the WCW, brother. No, get the fuck out. No, you don't get to do that. What does this Star Trek thing have to fucking do with goat fish? Wow. I can't do men in sandals. It freaks me out. I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Let's see. Obviously it's been proven that anything can happen and none of this show is scripted. Put your hands together for Dave Yates. So I'm a sober guy, and thank you. And that doesn't make me any different from any of you, except I don't have the excuse anymore for the ugly people I sleep with. Yeah, I was completely present

when I muscled through that three. Yeah, I don't care how much you drink either. I'm not one of those sober people who care. Drink up. Have a good time. I'm not concerned with the drugs you're doing. I'm more concerned with the drugs you aren't doing. Like, what do you mean you've never eaten LSD? You don't want to know what the color blue sounds like?

When I'm out looking for ladies, I don't go to the normal bars, I go to the gay bar. Because where do ladies go when they're pissed off at guys? The gay bar, right? Because no guy's gonna hit on you there. All they want is dick. Wrong. It's where your buddy Dave Yates comes in picking up the scraps.

But you gotta be careful though, there's predators in the gay community. And they're called moogers or man cougars. And what a mooger is, about a 45 plus year old man who wants to buy you all your sodas. Go ahead, go ahead. And get you into his Mazda Miata and convince you that his silver chest hair is going to make everything alright.

But it never does. Okay, Dave Yates. Fuck yeah. But it never does Hi Dave Have you been on this show before? Yes sir What did we find out about you last time? That I make hot sauce

And I'm sober That I like fish The band What about goats? What about goats? He's so happy over there. Look at him, just so thrilled. That's my Slim Jim Patty Reagan right there.

You don't put seven minutes into making a crown if you don't like a good callback like that. Could a fish kill a goat, you think? I would hope so. The piranha would, right? Right. Good answer. If a goat falls into a piranha tank.

Maybe. Then again, goats are also very aggressive I've been watching a lot of Planet Earth And you'll be surprised at who wins those fights sometimes Sometimes those animals have crazy tech The ants kick ass in Planet Earth And the ants will take some shit down Fuck yeah

My aunt's in prison Holmes Other than selling hot sauce Is there any other way that you make money? Yeah I'm a road comic And then I do driving for a sober living during the day. Driver for sober living? Yeah. I just got booed by somebody in the audience. What a weird thing to boo at.

It's usually the people who shake in the morning that boo sobriety. Wow. What is driving? Yeah, what is it? Do you provide a car service for people who need it? Yeah, so I take people that live in a halfway house to their doctor's appointments, therapy, things like that. So I cruise around all day. That's nice.

Damn, very good. Keep clapping. You better hope they never find out about Uber. Do you have bits about that? Yeah. Oh, you should open with that. For sure. Yeah, because people love that you do that

and then you could do your jokes. You could win them over. They're crazy, man. You sound and are much gentler than your appearance of a Major League Baseball relief pitcher. Yeah, like I look like a fucking barbecue pit assistant. Mine was better. Sure.

Dave, what else do you do for fun? I love live music, so I go see a lot of live music. I thought you said light music, and I was going to be like, me too. And then you said live, and I realized we didn't have anything in common. You look like a Yacht Rock fan.

Soft. Hall & Oates? You saw Hall & Oates? You saw Hall & Oates? I saw Steely Dan at the Springfield State Fair from Illinois, man. That was great. Yeah, I saw Steely Dan at Dodger Stadium, and it sort of made me sad. They weren't as good as I was hoping they'd be. It's weird when you see a band like that not do good.

Yeah, sometimes live, they just suck. That's a big venue for that kind of music. What else, Dave? You in love? Yeah. Yeah? How long they just suck. That's a big venue for that kind of music. What else, Dave? You in love? Uh, yeah. Yeah? How long have you been in love for? Uh, I mean, oh, I've been in love before, yeah, but...

Are you dating anyone? Uh, yeah. Yeah, how long have you been dating? About six or seven months. Yeah. Which one is it, Dave? Six or seven. Well, it's like, we didn't make, like, it's, We just decided that we were seeing each other It's not very interesting She's a comic, she's pretty funny

She knows how many months Probably definitely knows how many months Go ask her for next time Dave Who's funnier, you or her? She is Yeah, get that dick suck, Dave. You fucking get it, buddy.

Say Tony Hinchcliffe didn't do anything nice for anybody. Macho man, Pat Reagan. Dave, your girl ever run her fingers through your beard and make you feel safe? All the time. Oh, yeah. Yeah, brother. Well, Kogan almost lost his mustache on that one.

That's my savage Betty Reagan right there. Oh, wow. That part of the squeegee mop doesn't seem to be an effect of mustache. Joel, what is that? What is that made out of? I can't tell you what it's made out of. Real life horse hair.

Real life, yes. Jokes were, I mean, there was definitely jokes in there. And it was, you had a format going. It was like the first, there was a couple of comics before you that didn't actually have, you know, something lined up, which it seemed like you did. Right?

I would say, you said you were sober, but then you were like, hey, why aren't you trying LSD? So that was like a weird thing for me. It was one way I thought you were, and then that was like a juxtaposed position. You're 100% right. If I do a longer chunk, it's like I'm a sober guy, but I don't care if you get

fucked up, because a lot of people's misperception is that if you're sober, you're like, oh, please don't drink around me. And it's like,'m a sober guy but I don't care if you get fucked up because a lot of people's misperception is that if you're sober you're like oh please don't drink around me. And it's like I don't care. I'm a hippie at heart man. Smoke your weed. Fucking do your drugs. I don't care. Oh alright. There you go. Wow. As if you needed an excuse.

Well there you go. Well Dave we've met you before. You had a fun appearance. Can I give a bottle of hot sauce to Sal or Doug? Yeah, sure. You can hand it right to Sal. Sal's drinking it. Did you do that right?

That's my merch. Ha ha hot sauce. Is this sealed or has this been? No, yeah. It seems tampered with. Yeah. If I twist this, it's going to crack open? Yeah, sure.

Sure? Sure. Yeah. Sal. Do you vacuum seal this? Are you making this in your house? I heat it. Yeah sure. Sure? Sure. Do you vacuum seal this? Are you making this in your house? I heat it. He makes it in his bathtub if that makes you feel better. Sal,

I use it every morning. I love it, brother. The band loves it, man. I love it. I like it. HahahahaSauce.com? At HahahahaSauce on Instagram. There you go. It doesn't even have a website. You should start one with Squarespace. Deviates, ladies and gentlemen. There he go. Doesn't even have a website. You should start one with Squarespace. Where's Squarespace?

Dave Yates, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. On to the next one. On to the next one. On to the next one. On to the next one. There's a million ways to get it. Choose one.

That guy, the gold is his to lose. Well, every once in a while, I pull a name out of the bucket that we know so goddamn well. this person's a legend on this show you know him from his horrendous Instagram and his undisputed douchebag heavyweight championship of the world put your hands together for Kevin Mack well I finally broke up with the girl that I was dating for several weeks.

It's a pretty good run. I feel good about it. She caught me. She had a kid when I wasn't ready to be a stepdad. And she got mad because she caught me Googling, what is the threshold for child abuse? I thought that was a fair question. It was funny, though.

When we broke up, she was like, you're never going to find another girl like me. That's the point, bitch. I'm not looking for another one like you. That would be like me going into the woods, getting mauled by a bear, living through it, and then looking for another bear. Fuck out of here. I don't want to be a stepdad. I had a stepdad. You know? My stepdad used to beat the shit out of my mom. Which was rough, right?

And then one day he hit my mom and I beat his ass so bad that the next day he went down and cancelled my karate classes. Okie dokie. Jazzy. What'd you say that one part? Like, what the fuck's up with that? Like, what was that one part? What the fuck's up with that? What was that one part?

Which part? I love that. Fuck that shit? Yeah, fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. That's my favorite. You can just hear all the comedians and their pent-up hatred. When that was his punchline in the end, they were all like,

Bah! You fucking loser. Fuck that shit. Seriously, fuck that shit? Yeah. Seriously. Hi, Kevin. What's up, dude?

Welcome back. Thanks. Do you sit around your apartment in underwear a lot? I don't wear underwear. You don't wear underwear? No. You're a naked apartment guy? Yeah, man.

You live by yourself? Yeah. Wow. And anybody ever knock at your door and you answer naked ever? Well, Joel Burke thought I was wearing thongs last time I was up here. Is that true? Yeah, he thought I was wearing thongs. I still stick by it. I should have taken a picture.

But, I may have been. Who knows? I have worn thongs. I do. You should know. I have worn thongs. It is a fact. Kevin, you are notorious on this show for having, you know, you reach out. You're a very good-looking guy for the podcast listeners.

Too good-looking to ever be successful at Santa. He taught me how to hashtag. Yeah. On Instagram. And one of the things he does is, of course, on Instagram, he's notorious for trying to get more followers by using hashtags and using trending. You're requesting it? Yeah, I already know what you're looking for. Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ. You're right. It's at the absolute fucking top. Look at you. Wow. It was a slow day that day. I had plenty of time to hashtag. I bet it was.

Wow. Slow day. At what appears to be some place that shoots senior high school photos. All right. Original Kevin Mac. This was on six days ago. Every day I feel... Oh, my God.

Can you show them the picture while I read this? I just... Okay. Every day I feel more like a mister or a sir. I'm getting old, man. Don't interrupt my fucking reading. Oh, I'm so sorry. No, there's a whole thing.

By the way, you didn't write those words. I did. Guys, please. Let me read this again. Every day I feel more like a mister or a sir. Scary! Exclamation point. Is it really scary, Kevin?

It is. How fucking scary is it? What does that even mean? Every day I feel more like a mister or a sir. You're feeling older. Yeah. I was playing basketball the other day. The day I posted that, and this kid was like, nice shot, old man.

And I was like, god damn it. Wow. How old do you think the kid was? He was probably like 21. Jesus fucking Christ. I beat him, though. You did? What were you guys playing?

One-on-one? Yeah. Really? Smoked I beat him, though. You did? What were you guys playing? One-on-one? Yeah. Really? Smoked him by six. Wow. Who the fuck plays one-on-one like that at a basketball court? I've never really seen that. Is this a true story? Yeah, he challenged me to a game of one-on-one.

Was he like, hey, old man, you want to play a game? And you're just like, well, I was just a punter. We were playing five-on-five, and I scored like eight points on him, and he was like, you can't beat me in one-on-one, and then I smoked. Did you guys play in tighty-whities, or what kind of outfit were you? I wore my short shorts. Hulk Hogan. Kevin, have you ever been leg-dropped before, brother?

No, I haven't, Hulk. Would you like to be? Fuck yes, I would. All right, awkward pause. I mean, what's going to happen here? I didn't really see Jeremiah get up after that, so I guess it'll just always be left in the air. You are questioning the holster right now?

How dare you? Oh, there it is. Shit. There it is. Wow. He just turned into Freddie Mercury right in front of our very eyes. What an unbelievable magic trick. Hulk Hogan transformed into Freddie Mercury.

Flash. Aw. Look at his tits. What are those? Wow. And he's obviously live periscoping this from the cell phone tucked into his molds. Gigantic pajama pants. That's held up by mold.

Jeremiah. You cannot take this disrespect. I'm out of here. Oh, all Kogan's storming off. Wow. Oh, my God. There he goes. He's probably going to try to resend an email

from earlier or something like that. Hopefully he doesn't get thrown in a van while looking for the Wi-Fi. Alright, Kevin. You get it. You have douchey hashtags on your things. I just pretty much want to move on. Should we just keep flying through this episode? There goes Kevin Mac. We've done it before. Kevin Mac. There he goes.

Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. Oh, boy. It's always fun to... Tony. Yeah? I just want to say, I didn't know Brendan Schaub did stand-up. Oh, yeah. What?

He does. That's so funny. Okay. We love Brendan Shaw. He'll be a guest on again soon. Put your hands together. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Cooper Lydon, everyone.

Here we go. Cooper Lydon. Here he comes. How we doing? So I'm in college, and I'm happy to be there because it was not easy to get there. Me trying to get into college was like a girl who was too drunk trying to get into a nightclub.

Like, I was just outside UCLA just screaming, like, let me in! My friends are in there. We're supposed to meet up. Like, I had to sneak into college. So sexual assault's being talked about a lot lately. I'm glad. What I'm not glad about is the reaction of most men to it.

I hear that they're scared to date a lot. I hear it all the time. They're like, bro, I'm scared to date. You don't know what's going to happen. You know if I'm going to get arrested for some shit. Which just makes me think, what were you doing? If sexual assault, not being tolerated, makes you scared to date, you weren't dating.

We're just raping. Being a piece of shit. Women are people. I'll say it. I'll be edgy. I'll go for it. I'll do it. All right, thank you very much.

Fuck yeah. Malcolm in the middle, all grown up. Cooper Lydon. Here I am. Look at you. You have a perfect little baby face. How old are you? 21. You're like if Matthew Maloney ate properly. You know that? He's young Michael Shannon, I think.

Or even a well-exercised John Panette. Keep going for it. Keep trying. Hey, it looks like you're right. Nothing like well-exercised people. You're like if Matthew Maloney was allergic to tiramisu. Macho man. Hey, it looks like your eyebrows are about to skitter off your face. Oh, yeah. I was loading up for a better eyebrow joke,

but I guess he'll tackle it first, and those things are amazing, Cooper. I mean, you have perhaps by far the most profound podcast listener set of eyebrows. I mean, I would not change a thing. They are fucking powerhouses. How long have you been working on that? I mean, all my life. You know, I don't even have to do anything to them.

They just keep going. For those of you listening to the podcast, Cooper is clearly 21 and his eyebrows are 75. Yeah. He's clearly the great grandson of Groucho Marx. He's literally got his eyebrows from his grandpa. They're way down the head. I didn't know that Jim Henson

got into the eyebrow business. He gave himself a red red. I love it. Yeah, he does that sometimes. Cooper, you are adorable. What do you do for work? Well, I'm kind of out of work right now, but most recently I was working on a fishing boat.

Really? Yeah, out of Ventura, like sport fishing. Old guys come out and you help them tie lines and shit. Do you use your eyebrows for bait? Oh, Jesus. Do you use your eyebrows for bait? Oh, Jesus. Do you use your eyebrows for bait? I've tried, but they don't catch a lot. Wow. So you tie boats

to the thing? All that shit, yeah. Tying lines. Jumping. It's mostly just old men come out to fish, and it's kind of like their weekend off, so they're really excited, but they're all terrible at fishing, so they just tangle a lot. You from LA?

Yeah, from the Valley. I see you a lot at Mike's. How often do you go out, do you think? I try to do like three to five a night, but you know. Man, how long have you been doing that for? Half a year, two years, something like that.

Wow, you're even starting to sound like a Muppet baby. Oh, half a year. Did he say half a year, two years? I'm sorry, year and a half, two years. You skipped the whole thing there. That's a weird jump. A month, a decade. It's a big window. How old are you? 21. So you are 21. You's a big window.

How old are you? 21. Oh, so you are 21. Yeah. You have a good look. And I don't mean this in a weird... You have a peculiar look, which is good. Okay. And you seem funny right away.

And then you backed it up. I thought you had the best set of the night so far. That's really nice of you to say. Yeah. For 21, you get how to write a joke. You know, your sensibility was good. You got right to it. You were efficient. Yeah, For 21, you get how to write a joke. You know, your sensibility was good. You got right to it. You were efficient.

Yeah, it's an amazing sensibility. It feels like you live next door to Kevin Spacey in American Beauty. And that's an interesting character. You're 21 years old now. Cooper, do you drink? Yeah. You do. What do you like to drink?

We know your eyebrows drink scotch. Yeah. Aged scotch. I mean, I'm not much of a drinker, but when I do, I like Hennessy. Wow. Damn. Look at you. That looks like a commercial.

Aphrodite is Googling you right now. You present it like that, you think he's going to say sex on the beach. I'm not much of a drinker, but when I do Hennessy. Just get right to it. Don't waste time. Wow, really? You drink Hennessy? If you listen to enough shitty rap, you just do what they tell you. I'll smoke backwards.

That was the equivalent of six months, two years. I'm not much of a drinker, but Hennessy. Don't waste time. If you listen to enough dumb rap, you just do what they do. How long have you been hooked on Xanax and Sussurp? Haven't gotten into the prescriptions. That's a rule for me. How many 40s have you wasted by just pouring them out?

I mean, I don't have enough dead friends, so I don't... Oh, that's good for you. Yeah. Cooper, what do you do for fun? What's a 21-year-old like nowadays? I don't even know what that's like. The fuck? Like, you grew up with, like, fucking Playstations and shit.

Yeah, I mean, I just do this. Like, I'm just here every night, and then don't see my friends much. They just smoke weed, so it's like nothing, really. Kids now just do nothing. Right. You don't smoke weed, but your eyebrows get high. Yeah.

They get it all, yeah. Do you smoke pot? Yeah. I do that more than drinking. Yeah. Huh. All right, we'll see you outside. You smoke blunts?

Yeah, yeah. That's your thing? Because you drink Hennessy, you might as well smoke blunts, right? Yeah, I like backwoods and smoke out of bongs a lot. Jeez, you're like Snoop Puppy Dog. You ever done a bong rip and catch your eyebrows on fire? Almost. Almost, yeah.

All right, fair. You have to be careful. Hey, what's your goal in comedy? I just like to be able to make money off comedy, not have to do other things. Any way I can, really. Well, the first way to make money off it is not turn your back to the audience.

Sorry. How you guys doing? How you guys doing? How's it going, everybody? Doug Benson is like the Pai Mei of Kill Tony people. It's like, you brick! You think you have it to figure it out? Alright.

Look at them! Stop looking at us! 21. You think you have it to figure it out? All right. Look at them. Cooper, you're... Stop looking at us. 21. You're doing everything right. You actually have the sensibility to be doing multiple spots a night, which I think is very healthy for a diet for someone that's just starting out. That's back what I was doing when I was starting out, and I was 22.

How do you get from thing to thing? Isn't it geographically difficult? How do you? Do you have a car? Yeah, I have a car. And you go all over the place. He'll go like half a mile, 15 miles, no problem. Because three or more a night in Los Angeles is pretty impressive.

Did your parents buy you a car? It's hard to do. Yeah, what do they do? My mom cuts hair and she drives for studios. She doesn't cut eyebrows. She does. She cuts my eyebrows. Jesus Christ.

Hey, wouldn't it be cool if your eyebrows could turn into a Black Panther suit? Would you consider your comedy highbrow? He's got the jokes. Good, Joel Berg. I'll even jump in on that one. Very good. There's the rim shot. Brouch.

We got your mom. She's a hairdresser, and your dad is a teacher? Yeah. Is he? Yeah, he's a professor, and he's a therapist. Wow. Yeah. Does he try to sit you down on the couch a lot and get out?

Not really. I mean, he always has all that shit to pull out, you know? Yeah, son, I'm a professipist. What do you mean he has a bunch of shit to pull out? If he believed in pulling out, you wouldn't be here, Cooper. Hey-oh, okay. Stupid. No, it's just like normal dads will give you a talk, but he'll just give you a talk

as a therapist, you know? So it's not just like, hey, do your best. It's just like, hey, sometimes you have to give yourself the time to become the best. You know? It's like shit like that. Whoa. Damn. Damn.

It's like way too supportive. You ever just wish you guys could hang out, smoke a blunt, drink some Hennessy and talk real shit with your dad? Yeah, get real, yeah. Yeah, just brow to brow. That's funny. I love it. You guys should have laughed. What are your dad's eyebrows like?

I'm like the only one with the big eyebrows in the family. I'm like the black sheep. I imagine your dad's eyebrows beating you as a child. Well, son, I don't want to have to do this to you, but my eyebrows do. Thank you. All right, Cooper.

It was nice to meet you, buddy. Welcome to the show. 21 doing multiple spots a night. Great job, great job. Cooper Lydon. He's on Twitter, Lydon Cooper. L-Y-D-E-N Cooper. Original Kevin.

Oh, wait. What's this? It appears to be more music. Oh, shit. Wait. We've seen this before. It's NWO Hulk Hogan. The immortal Hulk Hogan is gone.

He has come back out in NWO colors, the black and white. Was there a black guy just up here? No, no, there wasn't. I heard a Black Panther reference. Fuck yeah. For those of you that don't know, NWO Hulk Hogan was a bad guy, and it was pretty cool way back in the day because he went from being a good guy to the ultimate bad guy

because he was such a good guy before. Garth Brooks. Same mustache, though. The mustache never changed. It was always just a yellow piece of a mop. All right, let's keep this fun train moving along. You guys having fun out there, huh? Yeah.

this fun train moving along. You guys having fun out there, huh? What'd you think I said? I thought you said cunt train. Cunt train. Let's keep this cunt train moving at a thousand miles an hour. Put your hands together for Nick Costito. Alright.

Nick Costito. People are leaving. Is that person leaving? Here he comes from the farthest part of the room. Come on. One time for Nick Costito, everybody. You guys know the worst part about gay marriage being legalized? The parades might stop.

Yeah, I could have gone either way, couldn't I? My sister actually came out as a pterodactyl. No, a lesbian. And I gotta say, as a big brother, it's hard to deal with. I mean, not hard to deal with, but I mean, I came through. I'm just glad we're on the same page about dick. You know, not for it. I saw a grown woman get bitten by a tortoise.

How the fuck do you get bitten by a tortoise? Have you seen a tortoise bite anything? Please be close to the minute. Please be close to the minute. Please be close. I think I have one more. Alrighty, so... No, sir, how you doing?

Alrighty. Wow. There's a minute from Nick Costito. All righty, so. No, sir, how you doing? All righty, then. Wow. There's a minute for Nick Costito. Panicking and going into crowd work. In fact, I believe he just asked Ryan J. Ebelt how he's doing tonight. How's it going, Ryan? That's the first time anybody's ever tried to make you part of the thing, huh? Hello, sir.

Drawing a picture. How's your night going? Yeah, what are you drawing over there? What's going on, dude? NWO Hulk Hogan. Can I just say I love this guy, brother? Yeah? And he has the makings to be a great villain.

Fuck yeah. Thank you, that's sweet. I appreciate it. I think he's saying you're unlikable. Have you been on this show before? Yes, yeah. I did the hot chip. Was I here when you were on?

I got humped by the redhead. How was the bathroom the next day? I have strong intestines, man. Not bad. So does the Hulkster. I feel like the first time you did a minute on the show was better. What happened? What were you trying to talk about there?

I have no idea what the fuck you were even trying to say at any point. The first part, I wanted to make everyone scared that I was going to be a crazy person, like being super homophobic. And then I turned it with the parades might stop, like pride parades. I prefer your earlier stuff.

The parades might end. Yeah, like the pride parades. You were looking for a big misdirect. A misdirect, yeah, yeah. All right, I see that. You came up, you got everyone's attention, but I don't know if you nailed that part. Why would the parades end?

Because marriage is legalized. What do they got to fight anymore? I understand that's a very short-sighted view of it, but you know. I love that you went from the gay marriage topic to, have I seen someone get bit by a tortoise? That was like a very, that made me laugh, the tortoise part, because I don't know if I have. And it was just so silly.

I'm wondering though, you knew you might come on and you felt about 40 seconds short of the minute was material. Yeah, no, I... Talk to me about that. Is there a missing bit we didn't hear? I accounted for laughs, yeah. You counted nine seconds of laughter. You've accounted for 200% more time for people laughing than your material.

In the early days, you just have to, one, two, just awkward silence, and then move on to the next bit. Like, you can't plan for laughs until they start coming. And then you go, oh, shit, the people are laughing. I should wait until they stop. It's pretty natural. Nick, I love your shirt. How long have you been working the host stand at a hairstylist?

Hairstylist? Hair salon? I think salon would have been a hairstylist. Hairstylist? Hair salon? I think salon would have been a funnier word. If you had to describe the color of that shirt for the podcast listeners, what color would you call that? Teal. All right.

How old are you, Nick? 21. What do you do for a living? Unemployed. Huh? Unemployed. Don't work. Bunch of lazy 21-year year olds in this fucking room tonight

I had like three jobs when I was 21 How do you do it? I have a foster kid Oh, how does that, why would that Oh, the government? Till when? Till you're 40? You know how it says, don't ask, don't deal

Wait a second, is this real? You have a foster kid? Yeah, I'm a foster kid Wait, you're a foster kid I am foster kid? Yeah, I'm a foster kid. Wait, you're a foster kid. I am a foster kid. No, I'm a foster kid. Yeah, I grew up. You look like your parents drank a lot of fosters.

Does that mean that right now as an adult? It's Australian. How long? Like, how long do you get the money? 23, because I'm a suitable candidate. I'm white. Oh. This is what you should do.

The good kind of brother. I would come here and talk about that. Oh yeah. Hulk Hogan did do that when he was in the NWO. Nick, why did you just say that? Because I feel honestly, I'm taking a social problems class this semester

and I'm just more aware of my privilege as a white guy. I bet you'll get an A. Yeah, you really said I like to sign up for social problems? Yeah, yeah. That's the name of the class? Yeah. Where do you get your news from? That class only.

What? Well, no, also my phone. you should take a social solutions class wait wait so you have a story and you have something to talk about that is only yours and that you could have a strong opinion on that you do have a strong

opinion on so I would say like talk about that that's so interesting that you're a foster you're in foster care now you have that and funding you to live and all that stuff like you come up and I would say, talk about that. That's so interesting that you're in foster care and now you have that funding you to live. You come up and you get me right away with that instead of trying to think of a joke about gay marriage or a joke about a tortoise.

I want to get better before I try to tackle that material. I feel like if I come up so new and then be like, I'm a foster kid, they'd be like, oh, he's a foster kid. I think you'll find it one day. Not the joke, your parents. Until you meet them, but let me give you an idea. Fucking pussy ass crowd. I can't wait until next week's show.

I'm ready for a new audience. I want to ship in a new audience right now. I would stick to what you know about Warner. It comes out more honest. Yeah. Why did you call your sister a mix between a pterodactyl and a lesbian? Because I feel like after talking about the gay subject, that if I said come out as a...

He definitely just said the gays and then tried to cover it up. Jesus Christ. What else do you call him definitely just said the gays and then tried to cover it up. Jesus Christ. What else do you call them, brother? The gays. He's like a comment from MySpace. Another switch. I was hoping they'd think that I was going to say lesbian, but then

pterodactyl, which isn't lesbian. What the fuck? Dude. How about less puzzles and more just truthful statements? Macho man Patty Reagan. You've seen a tortoise snap into a person, but you ever seen a tortoise snap into a Slim Jim? Oh, yeah.

It's a real Slim Jim. Just got thrown out there. Someone caught it. That's my macho man, Patty Savage, right there. Nick, you're 21 years old. Yes. You still live with your parents? No.

No, you live by yourself? Foster kid. Foster care. Yeah, he lives with his parents and he doesn't know who they are. Have you been listening, Hinchcliffe? Jesus Christ, Hogan. Oh, my God. Wow.

Look out. All right. No, I get a free apartment. You get a free apartment? Not quite free. Oh my god. Wow. Look out. Alright. No, I get a free apartment. You get a free apartment? Not quite free. Cheap rent. Wow. Did you win that on teal or no teal? There you go. Wait a second. That is the correct music for this.

Very good. I'm not an orphan. I'm not an orphan. We're different. But the rent is cheap, but you're saying there is rent. And then you also said you do nothing for a living. So how do you pay that cheap rent? I make a profit by going to college. What?

So you fill out the FAFSA. I hope this isn't fraud. You said you do nothing. You're a college student? Yeah, I'm a college student. How many credits or classes? I'm coming up. I'm transferring Has nobody played Monopoly here? I feel like you're a guy that judge Judy's gonna give a really hard time to eventually

She's not gonna be genteel Have you ever tried to find your parents? I know where they are. Yeah. You do? Yeah, yeah. Talk about that! Have you ever talked to them?

I'm not a fucking clairvoyant, man. What? My dad's dead. Whoa, whoa, whoa. And my mom doesn't have good parenting instincts. Well, sounds like that should be your opener. Just come right out with it. Look at me like I'm a puppy, man.

Me? I thought there were other great comics tonight. Teal, there was you. Fuck. All right. Well, Nick, it was nice to meet you again. Thank you.

There he is, Nick Costito. He ate a chip last time he was here. It was extremely hot. Good job, dude. Nick Costito. Fuck yeah. Nick Costita fuck yeah you think he was wondering if he would steal the show that was for him only that was just between us you guys

be cool who was the person that I told to come back this week what the fuck was that again? Teal or be tealed? Yeah, that's right. Okay. You remember that name, Christina what? Teal or no teal?

What? Teal or be tealed. All right. Last week I told a young lady that she'd get a spot on this show. So here we go again. Put your hands together for Christina Austin. Then we go back to the bucket after this. We're on the hunt for the new regular.

Something to keep in mind for you podcast listeners. All the way through till June. The hunt for the new regular. Put your hands together for Christina Austin, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, what's up, everybody? I'm single, I miss sex but I miss comfy sex I miss that comf comf

you know what I'm saying? Comfy sex because when you have comfy sex with your partner you get into this sweet space of sex that I call the throes of pasión pasión is Spanish for passion but had I said it like that, it wouldn't have been as pasionette.

You know what I'm saying? Follow me. The throes of pasión, we have all been there. That's when you and your partner are entangled in each other's bodies so much so that you're just rolling around the bed and the fitted sheet has fucking come up and wrapped itself around both of your bodies

like some sort of sex chalupa with your nasty asses. And you're not even kissing anymore. You're just breathing in each other's mouths. You know that? Just rolling around like... It's hot. It's hot. I miss it. I'm on the dating apps.

I'm back on OKCupid. I hate the questions that the dating apps ask. They're corny as fuck. OkCupid asks a question that don't even make no kind of sense. OkCupid asks a question that's... Go ahead. What are you always thinking about? What are you thinking about?

So I answered it like an asshole. What am I always thinking about? How much I hate myself. And how shitty of a person I am. Come and get it, boys. It's already wet because I've been crying on it. Thank you. Fuck yeah.

Christina. Say your last name one more time. Golston. Christina Golston. Golston. Hulk Hogan. Go ahead. She is arch nemesis confidence, and I like it. Yeah.

What did we find out about you last week? Is that you beat up your ex? Something like that. Something fun, right? Oh, my roommate. She threw an iron at that. For $10. I beat her up with an iron.

Boston. I want you in the ring, sister. Was it a hot or cold iron? I did not have time for it to warm up. My way was fast. That's fair. That's fair.

Yeah. Yeah. So how's life going? What else is going on? What didn't we find out about you, Christina? You know, I did tell you I was single.

I'm on Bumble now. Uh-oh. I thought you were on... You're dressed like it. Yeah! Yeah! See? Bumble. This is cute. These are my good tights.

So chill. You should be an update of the No Rain video. I only like the yellow part of your outfit. Thank you. Oh, that is. He's racist. That's the joke, right? You have a boss?

No, I just like hockey jerseys. So since you've been on Bumble You go on any dates Or any action happen Anything crazy No Not at all Have you tried the dating app

Okay stupid That's my favorite That was my favorite of the night Yeah that's it That was my favorite of the night But is that a thing? Don't play with me. How easy are you?

Like first date, second date? Jesus, Brian. Impossible for you, you son of a bitch. That's a very valid question. It depends. So you put out if it's a good time, right? Yeah, of course. Awesome.

I mean, we chilling, we good. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hashtag myself as well. Brian, settle down over here. Jesus. Feeling we good. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hashtag myself as well. Brian, settle down over here. Jesus. You saved the engine revving thing for that?

The whole episode? Where's your last name from? Because it doesn't sound Latino. It's not. My mom divorced my dad when I was really young, but she was still smart enough to keep the last name so white people could trust me. Wow. Very good. That's a good joke.

So that's where she just, she did. She separated from my dad, but she wanted to be a Galston and not an Ortiz. So your mom's Puerto Rican and your dad's Jewish. White, yeah. White, yeah. You don't even, doesn't even matter. I feel like when you say Jewish, people are like, you know, that's not our race. I'm like, I mean, I know, but that's the flavor white that he is.

The Jew flavor. You're endearing. You're fun. You're like funny and fun. I was having... You don't remember me, Sal? What's that? You don't remember me?

Oh, shit. No, no, no, I'm kidding. You were judging on the roast battle I did right before I came here, like two weeks ago with Matt Maron for the fucking... Oh, hell yeah. That was fucking good. I had a different hockey jersey. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, you did. Oh, I had such a good joke after you left. I thought it was a great joke. No, no. Yes, that's right. You went on one bumble date and you never returned her call, brother. I have trouble wading through whether the caricature you're doing, because it's even more of a caricature,

it's endearing and you committed it, so that's funny to me, but then you switch in and out with being real, and I was conflicted with which one I wanted to see. Yeah, I'd give it a Cardi C. That was really good. Yeah, I didn't give that enough. You committed to that character, but I also think I might want to see the more,

like when you talk real, I like it more. All right, so. What else do you do for fun or anything like that? Smoke weed, eat weed, drink weed. I just started at that. Hey, if you're not busy after the show, I do that too. Great. Wow.

She was the bumblebee on the Simpsons for 30 years. All right. Doesn't Telemundo have a bumblebee guy? Or is that an old, old, old school thing? I don't really even know what you guys are talking about right now. Well, she's got a great Charlie Brown cosplay.

There it is. Hey. There's the Bumblebee girl. White melon. All right. That was great. I loved it. Did you love it?

You loved it. I enjoyed it. I really did. I'm just. Did you love it? You loved it. I enjoyed it. I really did. I'm just happy you called me because honestly, like I was wearing these tights when somebody from Bubble canceled on me and I was like, this cannot happen again. These tights. What does that mean exactly?

You like those tights? I mean, I'm just wearing them again. I wasn't in them for long after he canceled, so I just took them off and put them back on today. I'm so confused. Sometimes as a wrestler, you have bad luck tights. You don't want to put them on before the match. Do you not get this, Hinchcliffe?

No one knows more about tights than you. Do you not get this? There goes, by the way, exposing the blonde mustache that he has underneath. His mustache just fell off. It looks great. You realize that you basically have the same facial hair as Hulk Hogan. Yeah, why is he gluing a mustache onto a mustache? He's putting a blonde mustache over his blonde mustache.

That's what Hulk Hogan had. He had a beard, too. The NWO Hogan had a black mustache and a black beard, right? Or no, it was a blonde mustache and a black beard. Yeah. All right. Well, Christina, it was good to see you again. Thank you so much. There you Alright. Well, Christina, it was good to see you again. Thank you so much. There you go.

Yay! Boom! See you later. There you go. All the spoiled white boys we've had on the show. It's nice to get a nice Puerto Rican female up there,

right? I almost felt like we planned Nice Puerto Rican female up there, right? Aye, aye, aye. I almost felt like we planned that or something like that. Like that was a written part of the thing. All right. Love the energy in this room, guys. Really feels good in here right now. I'm going back to the bucket.

Put your hands together for Rachel Wolfson, everyone. We know her Rachel Wolfson everyone I read somewhere that if you line up your past relationships it's a peek into your mental health history so I dated a filmmaker out here so that's narcissism I dated a filmmaker out here, so that's narcissism. I dated a British guy, so that's alcoholism and addiction. And then I dated three guys from New Jersey, so that's depression and low self-esteem. Which is weird because I date a guy from New Jersey now, and I've actually never been to New Jersey, and now I come from New Jersey. All right, that's it.

All right, 35 seconds from Rachel Wolfson. I don't want to get the meow this time. Oh, I don't know why you didn't do a little crowd work at the end. Hey, you still drawing a picture over there? Rachel, how long do you think that set was? How long? Yeah, if you had to guess. 45 seconds.

Wow, you're so wrong. I'm not good at math. It was 11 seconds. It was 29 seconds. 29? 29? I have 30 seconds left. You would step back from that ledge, my friend.

We could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in. All right. All right. And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would understand.

Okay. All right. That song is what we call a real mustache dropper. Yeah. Okay. Jeremiah Watkins, I didn't know that you know how to play guitar. There's a lot of things you don't know about this brother. All right. Rachel, how's it going? It's going. We've met you before. There's a lot of things you don't know about this brother Alright

Rachel, how's it going? It's going We've met you before You also, like Christina, you smoke a lot of pot, right? I smoke weed What else did we find out about you last time you were on the show? My mom put OJ Simpson in prison Oh

Heck yeah, brother Her mom was the judge in Vegas that put OJ in prison for the memorabilia. Oh, for the memorabilia. Yeah. Oh, that's the judge that lives in Judge Ito's shadow. Yeah. Yeah, I got it. Is your mother single?

All right. Hulk Hogan just asking real questions. I mean, why couldn't he just have his memorabilia? I don't... Why couldn't he just have his memorabilia? Yeah. Ask OJ. He's out.

Right? Yeah, he's out. And Rachel grew up in Vegas, which is an interesting angle as well. Oh, you guys know each other? Yeah, yeah. She's actually open for me on a show I did one time. Oh, wow. She was on Getting Doug With High recently also.

Yeah, that's right. Oh, well, there you go. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Keep the smattering of applause going. What was that? That was my wet hands. Yeah, if we could just smatter all around the room, that'd be great.

Rachel, what else do you do for fun? Smatter it up. What else are you into? I smoke weed. I work out. I work a lot. I like to work. Yeah?

I mean, I like to make money. Right. Right. Yeah. What type of working do you do other than you work at a dispensary? I work at a dispensary. I work at a restaurant, and I create content online. Ooh.

Content. The dispensary she works at is called Oz. Why would that be? Because it's A-H-H-H-S for some reason. Oh, it really is. Yeah, Oz. Oz WeHo. Wow.

Do you have full weed now where you can just go in there and get weed? That's one of the first ones that did have it, yeah. Yeah, they've been around for like 15 years. I do get weed, a lot of different weed, free weed. But not as good as Speed Weed. Not as good as At Speed Weed. What's your favorite thing to do after getting stoned?

I just like to be outside. Or I like to watch things on Netflix. Those are two different things. I like either one. I'd be happy with either one. She likes parking lots and indoors. Indoors.

Indoor, outdoor. Can I talk to you about the minute? Yeah. I would trim the gym. Trim 29 seconds. No, no, no. No, for real. May I speak to you about...

That's good. I always feel a responsibility to at least comment on some of the material. I feel that responsibility. That's why we're here. Sure. The joke was great. The actual was really clever that you come from New Jersey. When you set it up, though, you said I dated a person from here, a person from British,

and a New Jersey guy. And then usually on the third one is a punch, but you just did more of what you did in the first and the second one. I would just take that joke about coming from New Jersey and make it in that third slot and it would have punched right there and then you could kind of move on. Okay. But I thought it was good. I thought you came up with a purpose. I mean, I wish you would have did two jokes.

Thank you for saying I have a purpose. Rachel, do a lot of stone guys at the dispensary fall in love with you? Does that happen a lot? Yeah, that's absolutely true. They do fall in love. Yeah. Do you break them? Do you break their hearts? I try to break their hearts.

How do you let them down? I just, I'd be like, look, it's not you, it's your weed. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, she's like, dude, you're an indica and I'm a sativa. Basically, I'm more of a hybrid. Thanks for coming by. Yeah.

Yeah. That's a wrap. We appreciate your purchase. Do you do psychedelics? Do I? I love mushrooms. Have you ever had a bad trip? No, the only trip, I took mushrooms for the first time two years ago,

and that was when I ran into Dare at the grocery store. Whoa. Yeah. You were at the grocery store on mushrooms? I went to the grocery store, and the person I was doing mushrooms with realized they forgot cat food. So we had to go to the grocery store, and that's when it started to hit

in the cat food aisle. Right before I got there, I ran into dare outside, but I don't know if I was tripping or if they were really there. There's not really dare patrols, is there? I don't think that's a thing. I didn't even think they existed anymore.

What happens? Are they asking for money? I went up to them and I was wearing weed socks and I felt like now's my time to take a stand. I went up to this girl and I was like, oh yeah, weed is legal. She's like, we don't even care about weed. I was like, oh yeah, well I'm on mushrooms.

It's probably just a girl with a D.A.R.E. shirt on. No, they had a whole set up. They had a desk and pens and shit. Damn. I wanted their merch. Yeah. All, everything you just said is funny.

It's going to be material. Thank you. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Rachel Wolfson. It was good to see you again. There she goes. Rachel Wolfson.

She's on Twitter at Wolfie Comedy. W-O-L-F-I-E. Let's go back to the bucket again. We have time left. Yeah. You guys ready to go to the bucket one last time? Let's do 100 more. Or one.

She did mushrooms and went to the market. And I once did ecstasy and joined a Christian church for two years. True story. Moving on. All right. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Danny Mush. Oh, boy.

The guy got up. Here we go. He's holding his heart. He's excited. I like it. This is definitely Danny Mush. Put your hands together for Danny Mush. Holy shit.

I'm up here. It's happening. Okay. You guys ever hear of resting bitch face? You guys heard of this ailment that affects women? For the most part, when women have resting bitch face, most of the time it's just because they're kind of a bitch. For the most part, like for example, my wife has resting bitch face. My wife.

There we go. We got some of you guys. And it gets confusing. The other day we were having a conversation, and in the middle of it I was like, are you mad at me? And she goes, why do you always ask if I'm mad at you? And I said, so you're not mad at me?

And she goes, well, I am now. And I said, see, I can't tell the difference. There we go. All right. When I first met my wife, I thought her resting bitch face was kind of sexy. It was a challenge, right? Like, I was like, I'm going to get you to like me. And I did it.

And it worked out. And we got married. And I was like, yeah, I won. But in life, I lost. Alright. I guess that was something. I guess that was a joke. Has anybody ever told you

you have resting douche face? Why did you... I don't know what to say to that. You guys probably look good together. Danny, how's it going, buddy? How long have you been doing stand-up? This is literally the first time I've had a microphone in front of my face.

Wow. Look at that. So clearly, normally you perform with one of the headsets on. Yeah, I have a microphone in my office and I just play it in front of my speakers, in front of myself. So this is the first time anybody's heard anything.

Well, terrific instinct coming out your first time and saying bitch repeatedly because that that's really winning over crowds these days. But, uh, that is a, uh, resting bitch faces of is a fun concept.

And, uh, so there's a little bit there, I think. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. I watch your podcast all the time.

It's a trip that I'm like staring this. All right. All right, Danny. You're on a fucking podcast right now talking about another podcast. What's going on? Jesus Christ. How do you feel about impractical jokers? Oh, man.

Hulk Hogan. Go ahead. He looks like he took Kevin Mac's stand-up master class. I don't know what that means. Danny up here. What do you do for work? I don't know what that means. Danny up here, what do you do for work? I have a YouTube channel and I film weddings. You make money off of your YouTube channel?

I make a very small amount off my YouTube channel. And you videotape weddings? And I video weddings. Why specifically only weddings? Because my wife was in the business and I wanted to get out of pharmacy. You were in pharmacy? I was in pharmacy and it was super boring and terrible and I wanted to get out of pharmacy. You were in pharmacy? I was in pharmacy and it was super boring and terrible.

And I wanted to be creative. I got it done. What do you mean? What were you doing in pharmacy? I worked at a pharmacy. What else is there? Like you see. Were you a pharmacist?

Yeah. You were one of those assholes that's like, it'll take me three hours to put some pills in a bottle. Go sit over there and get a free blood pressure test. I was one of those assholes, but I didn't have a doctorate. So why did they let you do that? Did they let me work

in a pharmacy? Yeah. Because I had a technician license. I wish I thought of a funnier answer to that. Don't try to be funny, Danny. It didn't work during your 60 seconds. There's no reason for you to start killing during the interview. Where was this pharmacy at? The last one I worked at was in Westlake.

Okay. And so now you're videotaping weddings. How many weddings do you videotape? I've done about 50 so far. How many divorces have you done? I don't know. I often wonder, though. I see signs during 50 so far. How many divorces have you done? I don't know. I often wonder, though. I get signs during the wedding day.

I was going to say, out of the 50, how many were you hired for? That's a good question. Anything crazy ever happen at any of those weddings? Yeah, one time they announced a pregnancy, and it didn't go over well with the parents. Ooh, tell me more. What do you mean? It was a black bride

and a white husband. Get the fuck out of here. I think Tony's asking you to leave. It was already really awkward because the dad of the bride gave this whole speech that was like, don't worry, I'll protect you. Because the white guy was kind of short. He said, hey, don't worry, I'll protect you. Because the white guy was kind of short.

He said, hey, don't worry, but don't all protect you guys. And then that same wedding, they announced a pregnancy. And it was just the most awkward thing I've ever felt. Why was it awkward? Because it was an interracial marriage, duh. But I mean, how did you know

it was awkward? Did someone say something? Yeah, no. Jeremiah's doing an act out it was awkward? Did someone say something? Yeah, no. Jeremiah is doing an act out for you podcast listeners. Did you say your wife was in the business? My wife. You mean the wedding? The wedding business, yeah. Filming weddings?

That's not the business. You should stop holding Mike like a battle rapper. Hold it. I'm just trying to... Look, I always feel like I need's not holding the mic like a battle rapper. Hold it. Yeah. Hold it. I'm just trying to... Look, I always feel like I need to comment on the... Go ahead. Okay.

It's the first time ever. There's not much I can tell you. Like, it's the first time ever that I applaud you. I would hold the mic, you know, like that. I would look up a little bit. You look down a little bit. I would also maybe think about something that ingratiates you to the audience. I would take the piss out of yourself before going at

your wife, especially in the beginning. You know what I mean? Think about you kind of making fun of you and then you get them on your side and self-deprecate a little bit. I'm just trying to be helpful. That makes sense. I appreciate it. Yeah, there you go. Danny, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies that you're into? Literally

all my free time goes to that channel. Goes to a YouTube channel? Yeah. Is there something you do specifically on the YouTube channel? I attempt comedy. Really? Oh no. What do you mean? I don't understand. What do you mean you attempt comedy? I have cartoons and I do like live action

skits with my buddy. And all your time goes to that? Pretty much until probably next week when my wife's going to pop out our first one. Wow. You're having a baby. It's material, man.

What if it comes out black? What would you do? What would you do? Videotape it? Yeah, fuck yeah, you would. He's like, well, she's in the business. You're going gonna have a baby making YouTube cartoons and fucking videotaping weddings. That probably won't last much longer

after that. Really? That shit's gonna end. I don't make any money off it, so it's gonna I gotta say. Oh, I thought you were gonna give up on the baby. That you were saying it's not gonna last. No, much worse. That shit's gonna end. That baby is worth nothing. Only expenses. Great job, dude.

So next week. So what's your living situation like right now? Are you ready for this fucking baby, dude? Yeah, no, we're super ready. Have you had pregnant sex? Yeah, lots of it. Like lately? If you bend her over, you can't tell the difference.

Whoa. Again, you're going to want to really not go after your wife at first and just kind of put her... Hey, listen. Listen, I want to crush the baby while I fuck you. That's all my plan. Is Brian Redband your father? Son, you don't have to answer that. Sorry, Dad.

Wow. Anything else different that you've noticed with pregnant sex? It's juicier, right? Brian, let him answer. I think it might be my... Yeah, that's literally the answer. Really? It's juicier? It's because the baby pees inside and squirts the baby pee out.

Brian knows all this because he's built like a pregnant woman. Yeah. So, Danny, what else, man? I mean, you have this baby. What the fuck? He built like a pregnant woman out of Legos. Go ahead. What's your apartment like, living off of the wage of a company that videotapes weddings?

I did okay before this. We have a house in Southern California, which I know is in Herba. How'd you do okay before this? Oh, Fontana? Selling Oxycontin in Westlake. Fuck yeah. That was the gig, yeah. That's what it sounds like to me. And the weddings. The weddings took care of it.

Oh yeah, the weddings. What are you afraid of? The business. What scares you, Danny? This is pretty fucking scary right now. What else other than this? What else? Your firstborn seeing this set? Yeah. Me ending up in a pharmacy.

That's probably the most scary thing. All right. You seem to do it all right already, so it wouldn't be that bad, would it? What do you sing when you do karaoke? I have never done karaoke. One time I got super drunk and I signed up for a Blink-182 song, but we left before I could sing it. Which song?

Damn it, damn it. That's the one. Damn it, damn it. Let's do it. I'm not going to sing it, dude. I'm not going to sing it. Nobody knows what the fuck's happening here. Danny, the weirdest thing you've ever put your penis inside of.

Wow, fucking great. Danny, weirdest thing you've ever put your penis inside of? Wow. Fucking great. Danny, weirdest thing you've ever put your penis inside of? Motocross bike, dude. A pharmacy. Yeah, pharmacy is always the answer. 24 hours. A gel cap. A daily vitamin bottle.

My piece of shit wife. That's what you shouldn't do. That's what you shouldn't. Yeah, don't do that. All right, Danny Mush. Am I saying that right? Yeah, Mush, yeah. Mush is really your last name?

It's a stage name that I use on my YouTube channel. Oh, yeah, great. Great call on that. Oh, wow. Mush. Because I know I was saying the whole time in my head, mush, mush, like, let's go faster. It's so easy to spell, too.

It's such a great word to call a YouTube channel and use as a stage name. Mush. Especially the way that you've spelled it. M-U-S-C-H. That's not the name of the YouTube channel, though. Wow, even better marketing than I was even making a regular joke about. You even spell it differently

just in case people try to plug you. You're double fucked. And his Twitter has two underscores. Like, you don't... Two underscores? You can't even tell! They blur together! It looks like one long one. Everyone knows you don't do two underscores in a row. even tell. They blur together. It looks like one long one. Everyone knows you don't do two underscores in a row.

The other two were taken, man. You put a one under after it. That's way better than two underscores. It just looks like a line. Why don't you spell mush like mash, you know, where you put an asterisk in between each letter? Good idea.

Too many underscores is too many. an asterisk in between each letter. That would be a good idea. Shit. Too many underscores is too many. What's your deal? Why do you use so many underscores? This is all good advice. Thank you. Take this all in stride, buddy. This is all in fun.

Yeah, I know. I appreciate you guys for bringing me up. I can't believe you called me. There it is. Fuck yeah. We have bad news for you, Danny. Sing it. They're going to send you back to the pharmacy If you don't

I'll pick it up next time Thanks for having me on Thank you guys There he goes Danny Mush ladies and gentlemen He's on Twitter at Mustach underscore underscore wax I loved it Kill Tony goes to Phoenix Arizona

On April 5th With the entire band Jeremiah Watkins, Pat Reagan, Joel Jimenez They're gonna be doing He goes to Phoenix, Arizona on April 5th with the entire band. Jeremiah Watkins, Pat Reagan, Joel Jimenez. They're going to be doing Kill Tony there in Phoenix. And they're going to be on the shows in Tempe, Arizona all that weekend. Guys, what are you plugging? Impractical Jokers is coming back again.

Yes. It's on every Thursday night. And the third cruise is February 6th to the 10th in 2019. But yeah, we're on the road all the time. Doug Benson? Yeah, douglosmovies.com for all my road dates. And my YouTube channel is youtube.com slash Doug Benson where you can watch Getting Doug with High,

which as Tony and Brian in past episodes, I asked Hulk Hogan to participate, and he said, Hulk Hogan is drug-free, brother. I'm glad I set you up for that. That really paid off. Look at this drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. All those drawings are available at ryanchaebelt.com, including Kill Tony, the book and the poster. The amazing and powerful Jeremiah Watkins

ladies and gentlemen giving you not only the incredible Hulk Hogan but also NWO Hollywood Hulk Hogan. Follow me on social media at Jeremiah Standup. I have a new podcast called Jeremiah Wonders. New episode out with Jesse

May Peluso right now. Get it. I'll be at the Sacramento Punchline with Tony Hinchcliffe this weekend, March 1 through 3rd. And then I'm co-headlining the La Jolla Comedy Store with Brian Redband on March 8th. Yeah.

Patty Reagan. Hey guys, I made a short film about two aliens studying abroad on Earth. It's called Dag and Badum. And I wanted to announce I'm going to do a special screening before Kill Tony upcoming. So stay tuned for that. Fuck yeah. And Chroma Chris.

Fuck yeah. Just Instagram. Chroma Chris. There he is. The palest, unhealthiest version of The Undertaker we've ever... The Undertaker actually came back to life. That's what he would look like. How about Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez,

ladies and gentlemen? Come on. I mean, wow. I'll be here next week. Bye. There you go. He's also going to be in Phoenix with us and doing spots at the Tempe Improv Stand-Up at Phoenix as a Kill Tony. If you guys haven't checked out Kill Tony in Houston and doing spots at the Tempe Improv Stand-Up, but Phoenix is a Kill Tony. If you guys haven't checked out Kill Tony in Houston and Dallas yet, the 4K videos of those are unbelievable. Make sure you look back and give those a look. It's a real treat. It's

unbelievable the characters we meet on the road. Next week here in the Comedy Store Main Room, we're going to be joined by one of my favorite human beings in the world, the Rosemaster General, Jeffrey Ross. We'll be making his long awaited return to Kill Tony. And March 26th, how's this for an announcement? Big Jay Oakerson and Louis J. Gomez make their return. The Legion of Skanks

back on Kill Tony again. Always fun with them. And that's tonight's episode of Kill Tony. Live audience, thank you so much. Why don't you talk about how much fun you had on your new Squarespace website? Right now you can go to squarespace.com and

enter the offer code KILL to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Do it. See you guys. Bye. Good night, everybody. Zum Horizont geht man zu Ufers aus dem All. Darum schickte ein General eine Fliegerstaffel hinterher. Ein Laufzug, die man wenn zu fährt, dabei wandert am Horizont. 99 Luftballons. Bye.