KILL TONY - KILL TONY #254

Episode Date: March 8, 2018

Jeff Ross, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 03/05/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to deathsquad.tv for all the past episodes. Click on Videos to find all the past videos of it. Also, if you want to check out any of us live, you can click on Tour Dates. Not only does Kill Tony record every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, but we're always going on the road.

Me and Jeremiah this week, March 8th, are actually going down to San Diego at the La Jolla Comedy Store. That's at 8 p.m. Also, Kill Tony Phoenix is coming up April 5th. And Kill Tony Nashville is going to be at the Nashville Comedy Festival. That's around April 16th through the 22nd. Go to deathsquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Also, Tony Hinchcliffe has a website.

Everything Golden Pony is TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you can see all his tour dates. He's all over the place. He's going to be at Parler Live in Bellevue. He's going to be at the Comedy Connection, Wise Guys, Spokane, Punchline. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode.

He has the new Kill Tony book that me and Tony have been signing and sending out. You can go to RyanJEbelt.com. Last but not least, go to ShopSquad.TV. That's made on Squarespace, which is our sponsor on this episode. There you can find all of the

Death Squad merch, including the hats, the shirts, and the Kill Tony shirt. So check out shopsquad.tv, created on Squarespace. All right, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Thank you. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Henscliff. Oh, shit. What's up, everybody?

Welcome to the Comedy Store. Make some motherfucking noise. It's absolutely packed here for you podcast listeners listening around the world. We're bringing it on the road to Phoenix, Arizona, April 5th. This show, Kill Tony, with the entire goddamn band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, and Pat Reagan all on the show in Phoenix, Arizona.

That's at Stand Up Live April 5th. And we're all doing stand-up comedy in Tempe that entire weekend after that, April 6th to the 7th. Kill Tony is also performing at Nashville, Tennessee's Nashville Comedy Festival, April 21st, one of my favorite cities in the entire United States, Nashville, Tennessee. I'm also going to be performing stand-up comedy at the Parlor Live in Bellevue, Seattle, Washington with Josh Martin, Providence, Rhode Island, Salt Lake City,

Spokane, Washington, San Francisco, and the Boston Calling Music Festival on May 26th. We started this show. Put your hands together for Brian Redband, by the way. Hey, what's up, guys? Hello. I can't believe I forgot to mention that. Sorry.

Hello. The great Ryan J.E. Belt is here. We started this show five years ago on June 17, 2013, and we've been doing it every single Monday since then. How many of you out there are real diehard fans of this show? Hey, what's cooking, good looking? Motherfucking fire breather in the house. Well, if you do the math on that,

that means that June 18th, 2018, we are officially announcing right now is going to be the show here in the main room, the five-year anniversary of Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. The show that you're at right now. Fucking stars all around us. I'm excited about tonight's show.

You never know. I mean, and I'm excited about tonight's show. You never know. I mean, and I'm excited about how this is booked, especially. Oh, yeah. This is going to be a good one. You know, I book the show every week and, you know,

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But you know what one of my favorite things in the world is right now? The incredible, I mean, and I'm being dead serious, Blue Apron. I agree. Blueapron.com Blue Apron delivers fresh pre-portioned ingredients and step-by-step recipes right to your door that can be cooked in under 45 minutes.

The menu changes every week based on what's in season. It's designed by Blue Apron's in-house culinary team. They offer 12 new recipes each week, and customers can pick two or three recipes that best fits their schedule. I had calzones today. It's great. You get this box, and it has all the ingredients pre-portioned. You just put it together. It's fun to cook together with your friend or your girlfriend or your boyfriend. It's unbelievable. It's amazing.

And you know what? Another cool thing that I did this week is I had the chicken crusted parmesan with baked broccoli. I had that also. And the baked broccoli was so good that a couple days later, since I knew how to make it, I went to the farmer's market. I got broccoli. I got the lemon and the seasonings that I learned from Blue Apron, and I made it myself.

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Tonight's guest, you know him if you're a fan of this show because you've seen him on it quite a few times. It's been a while since we've had him on. One of our very best friends of the show. One of our very, very best friends in comedy and one of our favorite human friends of the show, one of our very, very best friends in comedy, and one of our favorite human beings.

You know him from Roast Battle, all the Comedy Central roasts, and a million other great things. Put your hands together for the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross! Hell yeah! Boom. He's here.

He's going to be bumping mics with Dave Chappelle One of the coolest God damn comedy shows in the world What's up Yeah Dave Attell You said Chappelle No I didn't I said Attell But it may have sounded like Chappelle We had Alice Cooper clanging along with me

But yes it's Dave Attell So how long do I get? I get one minute? One minute. March 17th, Lake Tahoe, Red Bank, Atlantic City, Bethlehem, Seattle, Portland, and Las Vegas. Bumping Mics with Dave Attell. We go on together. Literally the greatest fucking comedy show. I'm being dead serious.

It is unbelievable. It's like Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen. It's crazy fucking shit. You guys just eviscerate people. And I mean, it cracks me up. Dave's one of my best friends. We go on together as a comedy team and we set each other up and work the crowd. And I'm being dead serious.

I mean, you guys know I fucking love comedy. I've seen it. And over 11 years, I feel like I've been slightly desensitized to it. You know, I've seen Joey Diaz's return to the original room and crazy fucking shit, but you and Dave Attell, the shit that I've seen you guys do in the original room and the comedy cellar, it's unbelievable. So if you live in any of those cities

that I mentioned, make sure you go to roastmastergeneral.com right now and buy tickets for that. Thanks, Tom. You guys were on HBO last night. Yeah, we were on Crashing. How cool was that? Crashing. Tony, you were a good. How cool was that? Crashing. Tony, you were a good actor, too. What the hell?

Thank you. You know, it's pretty easy when you're playing Tony Hinchcliffe. I didn't have to even audition for it. I would not want that fucking part. That'd be one role I'd have to turn down. I almost lost out on the role to... All right, doesn't matter. Josh Martin.

Yeah, shout out to Pete Holmes and Judd Apatow and that whole crew because they did a whole episode dedicated to roast battles, which begs the question, people, what HBO show will do a Kill Tony episode? My bet is Game of Thrones. I would love to see it. I could see that happening. Give me the Lannisters up here as guests

and we'll chop people's heads off as they bomb. Congrats on this packed house. Yeah, Kill Tony's evolved. We started up in the belly room. That's why I'm really excited about June 18th, the five-year anniversary. We're going to have a super party here. Every other person, I've

decided, is going to come out of the bucket. Then in between the bucket people, we're going to have special guests from the past. Maybe a couple of super special surprises. That's fun. Doing a minute. This isn't even a normal show. There's a guy painting in the front row. Oh, yeah. He's drawn the episode.

He draws every episode and the poster and the book. Kill Tony even has a book. We're a podcast, a live show. We're in VR360. I'm guessing it's a coloring book judging by this audience. It is. We also have a band, Jeffrey Ross. No way. Some of the band was featured

on that crashing episode as well last night. Put your hands together for the best damn band in the land. Each week they commit to different characters and try to stick through it. I never know what they're going to be. Put your hands together for the Kill Tony band. Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, and Joel Berg. Joel Jimenez.

Oh my God, you've got to be kidding me. Wow. Wow. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Yes. Oh, shit. Woo, doggie. We got Jeremiah Watkins.

He's one of the three amigos. We got Patty Reagan in full Four Loko garb. Joel's east side. That's right, eh? Watch your mouth, all right? Joel is clearly, clearly Pocahontas if she got locked up in L.A. prison. All right, I take that as a compliment. All right, that's fine.

Wow, Pat Reagan's mustache is thick, and we got Chroma Chris barely really in any disguise at all. You guys ready to have some fun tonight? How are you, Jeremiah? Mariachi is always ready to have fun. Wow, wow. Patty. Tequila. Patty Reagan, how are you?

Good, dude. All right. Joelberg, you ready for tonight? Don't worry about how I'm fucking doing, all right? You worry about you, homie. Wow. How do I look, eh? How do I look?

So clearly, you guys are Mexican, and Joelberg decided he was already Mexican, so just go full tranny on this shit. Fucking love it. That's an offensive term. Well, let's get it going. You guys know how this show works. Earlier, about 100 people signed up

for the opportunity to get pulled out of a bucket. They signed up earlier on the patio. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get an uninterrupted 60 seconds to do stand-up. And, you know, we've seen some amazing acts lately. And you never know what's going to happen. Sometimes it's a complete crazy person, a school shooter, anything can happen. You get 60 seconds. You know your time's up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. You guys ready to

start this show or what? It's Kill Tony episode 250 something. Kill Tony! Here we go. I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Could be a veteran of the game. Could be someone's first time.

Put your hands together for Abraham Boshay. Here we go. Abraham's going to get it started. Four score and seven seconds to go. It's Abraham Boshay. Four score and seven seconds to go. It's Abraham Boshay. All right, Abraham.

Whoa, what the fuck? Goddamn. Let me take off my Matrix Fashion Week coat right here really quick. Right here. I hope my son doesn't mind I borrowed his fucking T-shirt. Goddamn. I hope my son doesn't mind I borrowed his fucking t-shirt God damn speaking about my son he recently turned 18 years old give it up for him come on and it felt just like a Geico commercial I just saved a lot of money by switching to no more child support

we were singing happy birthday before we can blow the candles out i said hold on hold on i said messing with my beer money all those 18 years but the joke saw me because a few weeks later he's like dad can i come live with you i said what yeah mom kicked me out all i can think to myself is there goes my geico savings. I mean, come on. You know, neighbors aren't like neighbors of back in the day. The other day my neighbor came knocking at my window, she was like, Abraham, I got some zig zags.

You got any weed? Yo, yo. Fuck yeah, Abraham. How do you say your last name? Boshe, my singer? Boshe, Abraham Boshe. Boshe. Can I just get into it?

Yeah, totally. What's up? Abraham. Abraham Boshe. I don't know, your jokes were okay. Boche. Can I just get into it? Yeah, totally. What's up? Abraham. Abraham Boche. I don't know. Your jokes were okay. Oh, shit. But what I couldn't figure out is why you were. Why, what?

You were delivering them like you're in a huddle. I don't know, bro. You're like, you guys got to go over here, and you guys got to break over here. And hey, hey. I was trying to capture everybody's, you know, everybody's, I guess. I don't know. Do that, do that, do your best joke, but just tell it like you're talking now. Thank you, brother.

I felt like you were telling somebody about a flood. All right. Abraham. That's what it felt like. Abraham, I got badges. Child support, if you've ever paid child support, you know it feels like a flood, man. It's just overwhelming, bro. Oh, wow.

Too soon, too soon, too soon. Yeah, too soon. Either way, your back gets wet. You know what I'm saying? I have bad news and good news, Abraham. The bad news is your comedy was just okay. The good news is you're now in the band. That's what's up.

All right. All right. All right. That right. All right. That's what's up. Here you go. Thank you, brother. Thank you, brother. You look like the hardest working man not in show business.

Oh, man. James Sorter Brown. I'm trying to. Thank you, brother. Hey, look, I was trying to match with you, brother. Look, you just disappeared in my fucking... You're just an improv wizard. Thank you, brother. Look, you disappeared in my fucking... You're just an improv wizard. Thank you, brother.

Thank you. Look at you in that jacket. You're like DJ Khaled if he couldn't afford his child support. That's right. That's what's up. Wow, Brian Redband is on it tonight so far. Love it. That's a great compliment.

I appreciate that. Fuck yeah. What do you do for a living? Fuck. Well, I'm a project manager at the Los Angeles Union Station. I pretty much oversee the janitorial department. Which is why the station is so beautiful and clean.

Just don't go in the restrooms, though. That's what you told me last night. Oh, is this true? Abraham, you got a girlfriend or a wife? What's your love life like? Oh, shit. No, that's your job.

I have a son. The janitor. It literally is. No, we pick up fucking pigeon shit, human shit, boss shit, employee shit, all kinds of shit. Okay. Let's get back to you. You got a girlfriend, a wife? Oh, shit. Oh of shit. Let's get back to you. You got a girlfriend, a wife? Oh, shit.

You know what? Actually, no. I have a son right now. I'm single, so if anybody's out there looking, I'm single. I have a great job. That's right. Hey, bro. What's up, man? Julia over here. He just accepted my friend request, so just hit me up, bro.

Don't trip. We're Instagram friends. Yeah, man man just bring the wig and the mascara again I love your hat bro You're looking fresh today bro I love your look brother I like the coat Abraham Your whole thing is super cool If you laid back a little bit

Just kind of felt it out You're not even letting me talk Well shut the fuck up Just chill just joking. You're not even letting me talk. Well, shut the fuck up. Just chill for a second, bro. You're jazzed. You're trying to do... Damn. You think Miles Davis just stood in front of the bass player and just played right in his face

when he was trying to play? Just be cool for a second. Plus, you got a whole band here. You look cool. You got a good story about your son or whatever. Just enjoy the moment a little bit. Just soak it in, you know, like you do at your janitorial job. Literally.

Like one of your mobs. Literally. Just soak it in. Literally. Yeah, literally. I love the way you talk. You sound like a cartoon character. What's wrong with it, eh?

I have a question for Abraham. What's up, brother? That's Jeremiah Watkins. How old were you when you started calling graffiti art? I can't recall, bro. Vale, vale. Abraham, do you have any cool hobbies or fun things that you do? I feel like I could picture you doing something.

What is it, like poker, darts? I could tell there's a lot stabbing. Actually, my hobby is comedy, performing in front of a comedy. Other than comedy. Your getaway from comedy in life and your son. I think that's what it is, bro, is comedy. If I'm not working or with my son, he's a musician. He's a musician.

He's 20 years old. He actually, he just turned 20, actually. He's 20 years old, and he came to live with me a few years back, and that's my thing. If I'm not working or doing comedy, I'm taking care of my son and helping him with his music. He's a musician. What do you guys do for a living?

That's right, eh? That's right. He's a guitarist, and he's a drummer. He's in a reggae band, and, yeah, he's uh he's a that's right he's a guitarist and he's uh um he's a drummer uh he's in a reggae band and uh yeah he's doing his thing man he's he's traveling together we all the fucking time bro all the time as a matter of fact as every fucking morning uh before i get up to get up dad you got some weed i'm like fuck bro fuck, bro. Clean the kitchen. Sweep the, because we don't got a vacuum, sweep the living room carpet.

Fuck yeah. So what are you? A janitorial project manager? Pero papá, yo necesito una moto. The station is clean. Make a coat out of a bedspread. Right.

So anyhow. What else is on the list? I've got another question. I got this on sale in Arizona. Abraham. I got this on sale. Can I tell him or no? No.

No. I mean, I'm going to be honest with you. It's like you made a coat. We don't have this in California, so I had to bring it. You know what I'm saying? Hey, it's cold outside. It's cold outside.

I got another pregunta. Dime. Dime, wey. Un otro pregunta, Jeremiah? Si. How long have you been hosting Mexican Family Feud? I think you mean Broken Family Feud, homie. Man.

It's been a while. It's been a while. More like Family food Family food Us bro Us You and me buddy Look at you brother What do you got there

I'm sorry don't touch the talent Have some you hungry I'm good brother Thank you I appreciate it Back the fuck up Stop touching Jeff Tony How long do we have to have this guy on

Abraham You're freaking us out. Ten more minutes, he gets a green card. Yeah. Hey. I got my green card. I married a white lady. Come on.

Oh, man. Boo. You said it like you had prepared something for that very moment. Like, oh, if they see a green card. You know what I'm saying? It is what it is. I guess so. I guess so.

The motto of many losers. It is what it is. I guess so. The motto of many losers. It is what it is. Well, I gave my opinion. I just think you should calm down your delivery a little bit and savor the moment. See, now you're having fun, actually. You're working the room. You're working with guys that are raising it up for you. So just you

got to raise it up yourself a little bit. It seems like you're a funny guy. Thank you, brother. Well, yeah, after you chewed me out. No, I appreciate that. No, I appreciate you. Thank you so much for that. Thank you so much for that. I really do.

You kind of look like a genie. I really appreciate that. That's good information. Just saying I love Aladdin. I love Disney. That's it. You look like a genie. He does end up rubbing lamps a lot at Union Station to clean them up.

Hey, if you guys ever want to tour, hit me up. Abraham Boche, come stop by. I'll give you guys a tour. Ask for the head of the janitors. Abraham Boche, Union Station to clean them up. Hey, if you guys ever want to tour, hit me up. Abraham Boche, come stop by. I'll give you guys a tour. Fuck yeah. Ask for the head of the janitors. Abraham Boche, Union Station. He's on Twitter at Abraham underscore Boche. That's it, Abraham.

Put the mic back in the mic stand. Thank you. Hell yeah. Normally, guests don't. Normally, the people pulled out of the bucket don't touch the guests so much. There he goes. One more time for Abraham, everybody. See that?

I didn't really ask. You guys sound great, Tony. Aren't they amazing? Every week, pulling their weight. We had so much fun. You should have seen our live shows in Dallas and Houston. We're taking it to Phoenix April 5th. The live shows we do on the road with the whole damn band. It's such a big production.

It's so cool. Yeah, that's cool. Put your hands together for your next comedian, Mitchell Blackburn. Here he is. How's it going? So, not a big fan of social media, but I do enjoy following those noble deadbeats. Hold on.

Oh, no. All right. Should I restart? Start over. It'sitchell blackburn everybody sorry guys all right so i'm not a big fan of social media but i do enjoy following those noble deadbeats you know like the guy who dropped out of high school has two or three domestic abuse charges but he's posting shit like i'd break my back for the people i care about but who's gonna push the

wheelchair when it's broken or he'll post a picture of a lion and it's like if you're not there for me when i'm at the bottom don't expect to call when i'm at the top and it's like dude you work at valvoline like what are you do, spray the hinges on my doors or offer me that junk rat coffee? I'm good. And you know the origin of all these posts is usually, like, his buddy stole his lighter or, I don't know, he's missing an Xbox game that he thinks his girlfriend took.

I don't know. That's it for me, guys. Thanks. There it is. Exactly a minute for Mitchell Blackburn. Mitchell, how do you feel like that went? It's a rough start, dude.

A rough start, and a rough finish, and a rough middle. Mitchell, let's talk about it. Please tell me this is your first time ever doing stand-up comedy. This is my first time. Yes! Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. There's nothing scarier

than when I ask that question and you find out they've been doing it 12 years. You must feel good then, right? It's like jumping out of an airplane. Yeah. I mean, you lose sense of time for sure. Hell yeah, absolutely. 100%. My very first time on stage, I completely blanked out.

I had prepped for months for three minutes in the original room, and I fucking blanked out. But in a silly twist, it's sort of what made me stand out because that's what I talked about. I literally go, I prepped for months for this, and I can't remember anything that I was going to talk about. People laughed just like that. It was crazy. The complete opposite of Mitchell Blackburn's

first set. Tony, but did you say it into the mic? Because that's one thing that's missing, eh? I love, I don't know if I ever really mentioned enough how much I love hosting this show and being on this show

and all the different stuff that we get to see. Definitely one of my favorite, most ever, instant classic moments was you not talking at the mic, and then when Jeremiah put the mic, and you finally heard your voice through the speakers, you go, oh, fuck. That was awesome, man. From the heart. Well, sometimes it's some people that are good at this stuff.

You're still quiet, by the way. I have you turned up about 50% more than last time. You need a little testosterone boost. Have you ever thought of 4hims.com? Yeah. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash kill. One month right now for $5,

Mitchell. I probably need it, I guess. Well, welcome, welcome. Is this something you've always wanted to do? How old are you? I'm 24. What made you want to do this? I don't know. I work as an accountant and that's just not the life for me. So I'm that

annoying... Neither is comedy, Mitchell. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's your first time. It's a joke, Mitchell. It's a joke. What were you going to say? What were you going to say? I was just going to say I'm kidding. It's your first time. It's a joke, Mitchell. It's a joke. What were you going to say? I was just going to say I'm that annoying cliche that's coming out here for the opportunity, so sorry for adding to the problem. Oh, stop it.

We don't believe that at all, Mitchell. It's that kind of attitude that's going to make you a star. Sorry for the problem. I'm sure Barbara Streisand, all her early shows were, thank you, Carnegie Hall. I'm sorry Barbara Streisand all her early shows were thank you Carnegie Hall I'm sorry for the problem I was going to give it up to him until he apologized but

so far the numbers are not in your favor he's an accountant if you remember so what kind of account you're not into that but you want to try something different yeah I mean so I'm trying this So what kind of account, you're not into that, but you want to try something different. Yeah, I mean, so I'm trying this.

So this was like an outlet a little bit for like shit on your mind. You could just kind of pour it in there. Yeah, I mean, what I... Did you plan to do that? Did you plan that? Like two hours ago. That's why it was trash, so yeah. I could prepare better. Then forget the material. Just the fact that you came out

here for the first time I think is pretty cool and I think you're gonna have a better day in your shitty job tomorrow because of it we don't own you bro you could fucking walk away tomorrow now that you've done this you could probably sell shit and do other shit and like you could be a set you know

you're fearless now you came out here with that shit act and you did a minute and a half, whatever it was, and you got thicker skin now for it. That's my opinion. And it's been a long time since we played a game on this show that you may remember from, you know, about a year ago in which we would break down and find out a little bit more about somebody who doesn't know what to talk about in their own stand-up. This is a special segment called Who Are You?

All right, Mitchell. Where are you from? I'm from Michigan. Michigan. How long have you been in L.A.? Three weeks. Three weeks. You just moved here from Michigan three weeks ago?

Three weeks ago, yeah. Did you quit your job as a CPA to come out here? No, I work from home, so I get a pretty fortunate gig, even though I hate it. Okay. You make decent money doing that? Yeah. Can you do that and do spots at night? Oh, I could. Anything crazy about your family?

Or what did they do for work? Well, my dad's kind of like a big shot in the fitness industry, so... Really? Yeah. Wow, the apple definitely falls far from the tree on that, huh? How about your mom? Stay-at-home mom? No, no.

She's kind of like a corporate... You have a... Are you an only child? No, I have a sister. Yeah? What does a sister do? She's a teenager, so nothing, so... Jeez. Girl, buzzkill you are, Mitchell. I'm sorry. What does his sister do? She's a teenager, so nothing.

Jeez. Girl, buzzkill you are, Mitchell. Tony, with all due respect, you picked the worst person to play this little game with. No, we're going to get to something. What's your love life like, Mitchell? Where's the fucking background? Love life? He just moved here. He's got nothing.

He did this to keep from killing himself. I actually do have an interesting story there. Go ahead. I call myself a born-again virgin because it's been like three years. This is pathetic, but I'm going to go in deep. Okay, where is this going? Hopefully backstage.

Backstage. Mitchell, project. Here's how shit Michigan is. Speak from your heart. Speak from your diaphragm. Okay. All right. Oh, yes.

Come on. A born again version. All right. So Michigan, that's just how rough it is, and that's how much mental resistance is there. And so I got here, and I just said, fuck it, and made's how much like mental resistance is there and so i got here and i just said fuck it and made one of those tinder profiles and like my second week here i ended up hooking up with some freak who is a psycho yeah you can say my name it's all right listen to the chants of Joel Berg.

Tell us about this freak. Where'd you meet her? I mean, I know you met her on Tinder, but then what did you reach out? Like, who was aggressive first? She kind of was. Yeah, what did you say? I thought it was...

Yeah, what'd you say to him? I said, what's up, puto? Alright, alright. What'd she say to you? So, well, she was kind of being the aggressor and I thought for sure I was being catfished. She seemed too hot, but I showed up, she was definitely hot, but out of her mind.

You thought you were being catfished. What do you think she felt? No, I'm kidding. Go on, Mitchell. You think you're being catfished. What did you say? A parking lot? No, no, no.

In Simi Valley. I don't know. So I showed up at her place, and she was acting real shady. Just keep going straight. Just keep going straight, and wouldn't really talk much. And I was like, I'm definitely going to get robbed. And then we got to some place called The View. I don't know if that – Is there a bunch of red men sitting around a table?

Yeah, what are you talking about? So you picked her up in an Uber or something? No, no, I picked her up. You picked her up and you took her to a bar? No, no. I picked her up. You picked her up and you took her to a bar? No, no, no. We parked on the top of some mountainous... Really? Like a make-out point. Yeah, it felt like a...

So it was definitely all hook-up. You weren't trying to take on a date. You were trying to just hook up in some private park. I didn't know what I wanted because, like you said, I was super depressed. So you get up to the viewpoint. What kind of car do you have? A Jetta. A Jetta? Oh, shit. By the way, Jetta is the

best, most reliable form of birth control there is. German engineering. Das ist gut. So what happened? You're in the driver's seat still. She's sitting shotgun. Seatbelts are off.

I was like, this is for sure going to go down. She started acting real weird. I can picture your thoughts, Mitchell. You're thinking to yourself, she's going to play with my dinghy. Very quietly. If your dick was as soft as you are spoken,

you're fucked in this situation. Yeah. All right, so she's sitting shotgun. You're in the driver's seat. All of a sudden. So she's kind of implying on the way there that that's what we're meeting up for. How? What was she saying?

Like, what type of thing? Well, she was just saying, just keep going straight so, like so we can, you know. What does that mean, keep going straight? That's what I thought. Oh, giving directions. Perfect. So you basically fucked your GPS.

No. No. And so once we were there, all of a sudden she was just showing me her other Tinder conversations. Just weird shit. And then kept showing me her family. So I'm'm like maybe she wants to have a real communication like maybe she wants to kiss her and finger bang her no no no fuck her no no that's what i wanted no i made because i made zero progress okay go on mitch

so i made a move yeah what was your move oh i think i touched her leg or something. Oh! Wow! That reminds me of that crazy time I fell in a tuba. You touched her leg and then what happened? Then she pulled away a little bit and was like, wait, why did we meet here? I was like, oh, I totally misread all this and I don't even want to hang out with her. But then, yeah,

so she starts showing me all these pictures of her relatives and I was like, well, I'll contribute and I show her a picture of my cat. She completely This is not good. I'll contribute. I'm going to show a picture of my cat. Mitchell, you realize this is definitely what you should have done

in your minute tonight. I figured I'll contribute. I'll show a picture of my cat. Turns out that cat was the only pussy I was getting that night. See how easy it is? Come on, Mitchell. So she completely ignored the picture, just disregarded it. She was all about herself, you could tell.

Chicks don't want to see pictures of your cat, you fucking weirdo. Mitchell, I can't believe you're learning this live on this show right now. I'm surprised my cat picture thing didn't take it to the next level. Yeah, and so then after dealing with her running

her mouth for, I don't know, like two hours, and I felt trapped all of a sudden. It was like an excuse. She's like, you know, like, when you do this, and she just grabbed my dick for a second. And so I was like, oh, it's for sure on, so I

sort of do the same. You sort of do the same? Like, you put your hand on her dick? What are you talking about? So then, from there... He jacked me off. He fucking jacked me off, eh? That's right, I was like... I gotta find out what happened.

Well, I don't know. The peak of the story is not that great, so... No, this is my preferred method of hearing stories. Three seconds at a time. Let's keep doing this. I'm just murderers, bro. I'm still not over what Joelberg said 40 seconds ago. What, that he jacked me off?

He fucking did it, alright, get used to it It's 2018, eh? A man can jack it off Another person, alright? I brought the fileto, I was ready, homie Oh, shit Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

I'm trying to get it all out. So her hand is like over your pants, but on your dick, right? Well, that was her first, like she did that, and then she started talking again. So then I go towards her, and I start like fingering her. And then. All right. And then all of a sudden, she's saying, I'm going to give you a head or whatever.

Wow. This is my first time ever interviewing a 27-year-old eighth grader, by the way. I got to tell you, Mitchell, this is unbelievable. You know, someone grabbed my dick and I decided

that maybe I should finger her and next thing you know she's giving me head. Did she give good cabeza? Alright, so she's sucking your dick. Yeah, and so as she starts doing it,

I stop fingering her because I'm not going to do work. Well, what's the angle in this Jetta to where she can suck your... Oh, I see. Yeah. It's side to side. Right, she's on the passenger seat on her knees. Elbows up side to side. No, she's just across.

So where are your knees? Pointed up? She's like sideways. I'm straight and then she's straight. I don't know if you are straight, Mitchell. According to our drummer, you jacked it him off. He fucking jacked it me off.

If he was telling the story of Lord of the Rings, we would be here for three months. God damn it. So, okay. So now what happened? So anyways,

so I stopped fingering her and then she's like, no, no, no, don't. So as it's happening, I'm like this, you know, and then... What are you tapping there? I don't know.

What was that that you... No, no, what was that that you just did? That was a gesture. That was a gesture. That was a gesture. That's not what I did. What? Her clitoris or her penis head,

whichever you want to call it. What do you mean tapped it? What was that that you did with your left hand? Do it again. Stop grabbing the mic stand. Do it again. I wasn't doing it. I was just gesturing like over there.

What was that? What's touching that? That's not how I do it, but as I was fingering, my hand was here. Where's your right hand? Do you have a microphone in the car with you? Is that your own dick? The right hand, I think, was...

I don't know. I don't know where it was. The right hand was strangling her. Yeah. The next thing you know... She yells at me to not stop, so I'm awkwardly in that position, and then, I don't know, like five seconds in, because it's been three years,

I just came all over my car. I think we found out who you are! That is Mitchell Blackburn, ladies and gentlemen. Look at that. That's how you do it. Mitchell Blackburn, ladies and gentlemen. Look at that. That's how you do it. Mitchell Blackburn, everybody. Get out of here. Fuck yeah.

Good job. First time. Mitchell Blackburn. You're right. You're right. We got some gold out of him. You were right, Tony. Hell yeah.

You were right. Good idea. He had the one good story. And in his Jetta, he comes. Mitchell Blackburn. Who hasn't come all over in Jetta by the way I don't know if everybody's living that lifestyle I thought for sure that chick had a dick I thought that's what he was going at

Especially when he grabbed the pussy Like it was like that Now that I heard the end of the story, by the way, it makes me think that it took about ten minutes for us to hear all the stuff that happened before it,

but now that I put it all together, I think the beginning part was only about eight seconds. I feel like he was, like, he remembered it so well, afterwards he must have jotted down some notes. It's also,

I think he learned something. Hollywood's a little scary, but if you're willing to make a few jumps and risk your life, it could end up pretty great. Oh, yeah? I pulled another name out of the bucket. This looks like a new name.

An uninterrupted 60 seconds goes to Eric Kohlbeck. Here we go. Eric Colbeck, everybody. Yo, I'm from South Dakota. I'm 47% black. Growing up, there was like being a slightly less black version of Frederick Douglass minus slavery. Not a lot of people call me the N-word there, but in defense of those that did, I think that they were just bored and racist. But being stereotyped was cool. I automatically got to be the running back of the football team.

But then I moved out here, and some guy on a bus was like, dude, I don't mean to offend you, but you kind of look like an ethnically ambiguous Seth Rogen. And to that I was like, well, I didn't know that, so I'm sorry. What the fuck? What the fuck? I feel like Obama doesn't sing,

you know? I feel like if he sang a clear Creedence Clearwaddle revival song, he'd be like, I wanna know. Have you ever seen the rain? And I wanna know. He could fool you with that shit.? And I want to know. He could fool you with that shit. He could give a great speech.

The liberal media would be like, just a small town girl. He needs to be back in the White House. Fuck yeah, there you go. Eric Colbeck. Hell yeah. Eric, you are one of the funniest decomposing comedians

that we've ever had on the show. How you doing, buddy? How long have you been doing stand-up? Since like March. Awesome. How long have you lived in L.A.? Six years. March of last year, right?

March of last year. How long have you been a party rocker? Since like 16 16 years old Dude that makes me LMFAO That's my joy Little fatty rega

Right there Eric what do you do For work Acting And I'm a lift driver Oh very cool Have we seen Any of your work

Just commercials. I saw him make a right on red one. I'm playing stoner potheads in various commercials. Like what? What's the best commercial that you've done? Keys, keys, keys, keys on Ben's. Time Warner Cable. Now currently Spectrum.

It does look like you're on the Spectrum. Jeremiah Watkins. It's Jeremiah Watkins. Jeremiah Watkins. Yes. That's my full Jeremiah Watkins. Eric, what's the craziest thing that's ever happened in your lift? In my lift? You ever have a guy jerk off all over your Jetta?

No, I have a rental car, so I'm afraid to jerk off in there. I don't want DNA. What kind of rental do you have? You're Ubering in a rented car? Yeah, I'm lifting a rented car. You're in the worst pyramid scheme I've ever heard of in my life. I know. After you rent it, how much do you get?

Like a dollar? No, no. I drive enough to make the money back. Do you ever have to drop anybody off at a gym or a barbershop? Um. No.

Oh. Well, maybe somebody here could order an Uber to a gym or a barbershop later. shop? No. Well, maybe somebody here could order an Uber to a gym or a barbershop later. Or Lyft. Sorry, man. No offense. Okay. It's cute. You don't even get the jokes, but it's fine. Yeah, sorry.

I love you at Disney at the Country Bear Jamboree. You're great at that. I usually get Corbin Blue for the Disney... He's in shape. Corbin Blue lost. Not a lot of people know this, but Eric is actually the first

ever clothed member of Naked and Afraid. They use him for threats. You look like you play in the woods a lot. I'm wrong about that? Is that a weird thing to say? I've been in the woods.

I love how you take all these jokes exactly literally. It's great. It's always great for comedy. I grew up in the woods. Did you? Where? In like 12 miles south of a small

town. Oh, starting to understand your whole thing now. Tell us about the woods, fool. Chop, chop. Hey, Tony. I'm getting hot in here, fool. Oh, shit. I didn't even realize you had a shaved head over there.

Completely, clearly, completely shaved. Glad you're cooling down over there, Patty Reagan. Eric, what's the craziest thing about you? Like, what's something weird that you think's weird about you that you do? His dad is on The Simpsons. He's in jail because of that damn fart. Sideshow Bob. I've never heard that before.

You've heard Seth Rogen though? This is his son, Sideshow Blob. Do people really think... I used to be able to fart on command. Really? Yeah. Whatever. I used to be able to fart on command. Really? I wish I still could. I could get in a certain position and make myself force farts.

I challenge you right now. I don't think I can do it. I don't want to fail. Guys, how bad do you want to see... Can you do it? Wait, wait, wait. Jeff's going to try first. Hold on, guys, guys. I have to be in swishy pants.

Hey, can we get the Janet Torrio project manager up here just in case we have an accident? You can't talk while I'm trying to concentrate. Okay, go ahead. You want to go first? You go first, Derek. I'll try. Yeah.

Oh, shit. Hey. Hey, put the microphone on it, dude. What's he doing? He has the microphone to his mouth. That's not a fart. That's a queef. This is horrible. All right, so for those of you listening to the podcast, he just put his feet over his head.

He's having a baby. Oh, my God. Are you trying to the podcast, he just put his feet over his head. He's having a baby. Oh, my God. Are you trying to suck air through your butthole? I'm trying. Usually I need a little preparation. It's not happening. How many? Oh, man.

It's not happening. I'm sorry, guys. Wow, what kind of Lyft driver doesn't have gas? It's not happening. I'm sorry, guys. Wow. What kind of lift driver doesn't have gas? It's bad. That was more disappointing than he said. Here we go. Jeff Ross. There you go.

All right, Eric. What are you afraid of? Does anything scare you? A mirror. The brownie man finding out you stole his style. I'm afraid of heights. Yeah. Yeah, being up high.

For a guy that looks like he's high all the time. No, I'm afraid of getting high. Really? You've never gotten high before? No, I have. It's very scary. And then clearly you snapped completely after that. Has anybody ever told you you look like the inside of a vacuum cleaner?

That's true. I can see it. I can see it. Thank you. Eric, how old I can see it. Thank you. Eric, how old are you? 28. Fuck yeah. Yeah. What's any short-term goals or plans for yourself or your life?

Anything you're looking forward to? I'd like, you know, one bedroom with a swimming pool. What's your living situation currently now? Homeless. A studio with a driving... Studio with a parking lot. Yeah, studio with a parking lot. That's called Home Depot.

A studio in a parking lot. Yeah. Huh. And you live in the studio by yourself? Yes. Oh, that's not that bad. Yeah. Good price.

Squatting in front of CBS, fool. All right, Eric. Well, it was nice to meet you. This was your first time on the show. And we'll see you again soon. There he goes, Eric Polbeck. Eric Polbeck. Not on Twitter

How many people How many numbers are in there? There's a lot And all those people have a chance of going on And you picked And I picked, yes it's true I picked another name Elliot Armstrong

I'm not seeing movement. We're going to move on. Here he comes. What's up, guys? I recently started getting back in the gym after getting out of a six-year relationship. Get the bachelor bod back. I don't think it's for me. I realize there's just too much stuff there that genuinely infuriates me.

Like if you're walking around with a Superman t-shirt on, it makes me pretty angry. If you have shoes that look like feet. Makes me pretty angry. If you have shoes that look like feet, makes me angry. If you're one of the guys who frequents an elliptical machine, I have so many questions I would like to ask you.

That's bad. Have you guys seen it now? Now these guys are wearing these male yoga pants that go on under their shorts. They come down to, like, here, and it just looks like their underwear just kept getting longer and longer. And then you have the fucking trainer

walking around with their protein shake bottle, which I'm pretty sure is just a normal water bottle with a cat toy inside of it. Fuck yeah. Elliot Armstrong. This is the part where I hope and pray it's your first time too. What, with comedy? Okie dokie. Anyway,

no, with fishing. You fool. This guy ever jacked you off before? This fool jacked me off. Only one time. What questions do you have for the elliptical machine? What's so crazy about that? It's just weird seeing guys in an elliptical machine.

Why? It's strange. Just run. Just get on the treadmill. I don't know. Just go outside. Run. Okay. You're so metrosexual that that's your fine point. Take down. Why they have to hold on to bars while their legs move.

Yeah, I don't know. They don't want to fuck up their knees. Right. Yeah. Okay. What else do you find a lot of passion talking about in life? Like what else bothers you? How long have you owned a lot of passion talking about in life? What else bothers you? How long have you owned a fishing and tackle shop?

What's your favorite piece of gym equipment? Oh, man. Probably just the pull-up bar, man. Yeah, I did those in the pinta, dude. That's right. How long have you been doing stand-up? I do it off and on for like two and a half, three years.

Two and a half, three years. How long have you been a stunt double for Matthew McConaughey? Oh, wow. What else do you do for work? Okay. Valet. Valet cars. You're a valet? Yeah, I do some valet.

I do some personal assistant work for some guys that live up in the hills. Valet or valet? You've been on the show before, right? No, never. No? No. That's interesting that you do all those jobs since you clearly have a paralyzed right arm. It sucks.

Tony. Yeah, Patty Reagan. Tony, it sucks being a chauffeur And have nothing to chauffeur in You know what I'm saying? That's mi hombre, Patty Reagan Wow Fuck yeah So how long you been valeting?

Too long I was a I was a guesstimate Probably Because what's too long for me is one minute So what's too long for I was a... Give us a guesstimate. Probably... Because what's too long for me is one minute. So what's too long for you is a whole different thing. Like six and a half, seven years.

Six and a half, seven years. You must be fucking good. I'm pretty good. I mean, I've fucked some cars up before, but who hasn't, you know? Everybody who's not a valet. Elliot, wow, you pick up a lot of ladies. You seem like a good-looking guy.

You have that swagger about you. Is that something you focus on? No, I've tried before. I mean, I have, but there's other times where you try, and then you put, the... I had this one time where I put my number. My buddies were like, no, you should just do it. I was like, well, I don't want to get fired.

And then I put my number in her car. Why do I feel like you should get dating advice from Mitchell Blackburn? Yeah, so her boyfriend got in the car and it was weird because my number was in the car for her boyfriend. What? Yeah.

Did anybody else understand that? No, we all missed it. They were sharing a car. So she parked the car with us, but her boyfriend, I guess, was coming out of the hotel and just decided to take the car. When was that? This was like a couple years ago. Yeah. Did you put it on her dashboard so she could go see it?

No, I was kind of discreet about it. I put it in the... You don't go on dates? You don't have a girlfriend? I got out of a relationship, what, like seven, eight months ago? Oh, and that was a six-year relationship? Well, off and on, yeah. Off and on for six years.

Why was it so off and on? Why did it end? Give us some of the dirt. It was bad, man. Go ahead. One time, it was going well, and she found my phone. She found my old phone, and I was valeting cards. I was valeting cards, and she was at my place.

And I was like, nah, she won't. I told my roommate, I was like, maybe I should just have her, maybe I should just have them hide my phone. And I didn't. And she knew the code and everything. It just went through my G-chats, everything. G-chats. G-chats. Everything. G-chats?

What the fuck? Google Gmail chat? This is a while ago. I don't G-chat anymore. You don't have G-chat anymore. I chat with a lot of G's every day. They jacked me off. And that's what the internet's for, homie. That's right.

Julia is out of control tonight. Wow. So she went through your G Chats. What did she find? Just fucking around with other girls. Yeah, hanging out with the ladies. You know what I mean? Not good stuff.

Getting some of that red snapper, eh? So yeah, then we broke up for a year, got back together, and then we're not together. And then what happened? She went through your instant messenger? No, no. MySpace? No more social, no more web stuff. You got mail.

She wanted me to get a real job. She wanted you to get a real job. She wanted you to get a real job. Yeah. She's like, you're just fucking valeting cars, and you know what? Just like your job, this thing's going around in circles. Yeah. Pretty much.

Wow. All right. Well, what kind of hobbies are you into? What do you like to do for fun? You're living the single life. Yeah. What do I do for fun? I work a lot.

I like playing volleyball. Really? Yeah, I write. Fuck, yeah. I can write. What do you write? Comedy. Yeah.

Working with a couple, like everyone else in town. You should come back and try that sometime. Tell us about this volleyball addiction because now that I look at you, you went from A to D. It was like, I enjoy volleyball. It's not an addiction. Now that I look at you. You went from A to D. It was like, I enjoy volleyball.

It's not an addiction. You love it. Am I right, fool? You love it. It's all right. We're listening, dog. Yeah, I like volleyball. That's right, eh?

What do you mean I went from A to D? Well, it's not an addiction. I enjoy playing it from time to time, but... How often do you play it? Not that much anymore. It's hard to get out. Come on, give us a ballpark. Once a week?

No, not even that much. Oh, jeez. You're really in denial about this volleyball thing. You're really freaking out on me, Elliot. Oh, my God. I don't even do it that much, all right? I played one time! Sure, it may have been my first answer, but I don't do it that much. alright? I played one time! Sure, it may have been my first answer,

but I don't do it that much. Jesus, Elliot. Fucking balls to the wall over here. Do you like the movie E.T.? I've never heard that one. No, I'm seriously asking.

Yeah, Elliot, the kid. Got it. No, I don't know what you're talking about. I just like that movie. All right, Elliot. This guy is weird. How long have you been on stand-up? What was your answer? Two and a half years.

Yeah, off and on. You got to find a reason for the audience to root for you. You're like, I wreck my valet cars. I play volleyball. You're not leaving your hard... There's no struggle there for you. You got to find... Maybe it's like a

Chevy Chase thing where you're just so aloof. You got to be super funny to pull that one off. I don't know. I agree with Jeff on this. What are some things that we might find likable about you? Anything in the world. Give us a reason to like you. Have you seen Close Encounters of the Third Kind?

Okay, Jim. I love that movie. It's a great film. Great film. Yeah, so I got to be a little more self-deprecating. Wait, what? He's got to be more self-deprecating. Wait, what? He's gotta be more self-deprecating, he's saying.

Did you ever watch a show, X-Files? Yeah, I saw X-Files. Okie dokie, Jeremiah. It's a good film. Babe. Got it. Elliot, the most likable thing about you. Perhaps you've hung out with

sick children before. Maybe they were kids that you poisoned, but we don't need to know that part. You know what I mean? The most likable thing? Yeah. I was into exotic animals for a while. You sound more and more like one of Trump's

sons every question that I ask you. Well, the most likable thing about me? Well, I kill elephants with shotguns. No, smaller ones. Brian, red man. Well, can I ask, in this exotic collection,

did you ever have a chupacabra? No, but I walk a Mexican hairless dog. It looks almost exactly like one. There you go. You got it. You're a dog walker. Do you love dogs? I have to do that for the guys I work for sometimes.

I got to walk their exotic dog. Up in the hills. Up in the hills. Yeah, it's a Zolo. Zolo Suntalintli, but they just call it a Zolo. This is a racist, Dave. Do you ever walk erotic dogs? Like dogs with boners and stuff like that?

Like Red Rockets pointing in the air and stuff like that? Do you ever do that? And also, have you seen the movie C-Spot Rock? Oh, Keith. Elliot, so the most likable thing about you is that you walk exotic dogs sometimes. That's what we got. That's what we got. That's what we got.

Oh, your name's Elliot? Yeah. Have you ever seen E.T.? It's a good movie. I just like it. It's pretty good. Yeah, it's a good movie. Makeup's kind of shoddy, but it's good. All right.

Well, Elliot, you can't think of anythingoddy, but it's good. Well, Elliot, you can't think of anything else likable or cool about you? What's the last time you did something nice for someone? What was that? I want to give it away. Maybe you did something. I bought some Girl Scout cookies the other day.

You did? Why do I feel like you bought them from Amazon, not from an actual Girl Scout No I did they still camp out You look like you saw a matinee Showing of 12 Years a Slave It's a good film Alright

There you go we met him Elliot Armstrong Thanks guys There he goes. So what we're going to do, before we get back to the bucket, let's do something cool. Let's go from unlikable to super likable. Before we go back to the bucket,

let's give somebody their second ever spot on this show. We met this guy two weeks ago. Is he here? Alright, great. I mean, he just wowed us. His 60 seconds was amazing. His interview was un-fucking-believable. I'm excited to see him again.

Put your hands together for Malcolm! These people already know who he is from two weeks ago. I'm back. What's up? Shit. I hooked up with a homeless lady. Because I'm homeless. After we got done she looked at me and she said, so what are we? I said, bitch we'm homeless. After we got done, she looked at me and she said, so what are we? I said, bitch, we still homeless. Now go back to that tent.

She told me something like, okay. I hate fat girls. Talk about other fat girls. I was at the mall the other day with my homegirl. She said, look at that big bitch over there. I said, bitch, that's your shadow. This is you and that's you. Both of you. Scoot over,

bitch. I got pulled over by the cops the other day. I was so scared, I snitched on my homeboy in the passenger seat. Cop said, you know you'll speed? And I said, yeah, but Antonio got crack in his pocket. I said, I got this, officer. Antonio, put your hands up.

Put your hands up. Cop, give me your gun. Antonio, get back in the car. We stole that nigga's gun. Bad boys, bad. Holy shit. Look at that. What's up?

Malcolm has arrived. Is it just me, or do I like the other guy better? You know, Tony, Malcolm did an amazing job this week At Death Squad I invited him to the Death Squad show At the Ice House Killed it Did really great Thanks for that

How's life going Malcolm? You did it again Yeah It's not easy to do Especially with a big hyped up intro Like that and everything And you came in And you had us all cracking up again

How's life going? You still living next to a 24-hour fitness in your car? Yeah, Planet Fitness. And yeah, still quitting jobs and shit. I love that you get the plug right, by the way. You still represent Planet Fitness. Yeah, I got to represent the crew. Don't let me say 24-hour fitness.

And you're still quitting jobs. Yeah. You quit any jobs this week? Actually, they got rid of me today. Yeah? Oh, shit. But last week I quit one. So I guess that was karma. I'll say fuck Actually, they got rid of me today. Yeah? But last week I quit one, so I guess that was karma. Who got rid of you today?

A warehouse full of Mexicans. Whoa. Hello. Hola. They was mad I was doing better than them, and they weren't having that shit, so they said, you know what, go home. What do you mean you were doing better than them? Like, they don't like to be out working.

In my defense, I thought you were my shadow. That crazy as hell. That crazy. Y'all boys crazy. Fucking hell. My shadow. Now, last time we met you, our only other time, this is only your second time on this show.

Yeah. By the way, the official Kill Tony race to the regular was we have been searching for a new regular, which of course, obviously, clearly Malcolm's in the running for will be announced at that five-year anniversary show June 18th here in the main room.

But we never, I don't think we really found out more about, you know, where you're from. Was it Michigan? Hell no, North Carolina. North Carolina. And you're how old again? 23.

23. I'll be 24 in 20 days. Oh, shit. Y'all Venmo a nigga or something. Send me five. I'll pay you back when I make it. Hell yeah. So, and how long have you been in L.A.?

Six months. Right. But what were you doing in North Carolina all those years? Tell us more about, like, where you grew up and what you were doing. Getting in trouble or hanging out? Well, at first, I was just, I was always just me. Fuck it, you know. But I was working jobs, just being like goofy,

and then this messing girl told me to do comedy, and I did it. I was- You're fucking welcome, eh? You have chlamydia now, Malcolm. He work in the food truck. Hey, just because that's my gang name doesn't mean I have it. All right, moving on.

He crazy as hell. But yeah, I was working. I started hustling. That's why I moved out here. I was tripping. He told me he was from West Philadelphia, born and raised. Hustling? What's hustling?

I was selling shit. Yeah. No, tell us about it. Let's hear the compelling truth. I mean, you're so funny. All right. I was trying to make money to get to California, so I started drug dealing. And I was hustling like a motherfucker.

I thought I was Pablo. What's his name? El Chapo. Escobar. Yeah, one of them motherfuckers. I wasn't getting it on the boat, though. You did what you had to do. I was getting it on the bike, yeah.

Escobar. Escobar. Y'all crazy as hell. So you saved up enough money to come to California? Yeah, and then shit just went left. I was spending money back home. I like to eat a lot. So I was... Why'd you move to a California vault place? To do comedy.

Oh, okay. How's that going? Oh, it's cool. Shit, I'm gonna kill Tony. That's cool. It's cool. Did you know about Kill Tony back home? I didn't know about it, but I knew about the comedy store. But as soon as I got here, that's the first thing they told me. They were like, yo, kill Tony. And then I finally got up.

Now look at him. That's great. Second time. All my friends know about it, though. You are the perfect specimen. A good 60 seconds, a hell of an interesting interview. That's all I need, 60 seconds. Oh, shit.

That's right. That's right. What are you doing here? Maybe even 30. Hey, Tony. Tony, I'm a vegetarian, but this fool makes me want dark meat, eh? Nigga, I'm light-skinned.

This guy's got charisma. Lots of charisma on Malcolm. He's like Tiffany Manish. Manish? Where else do you go on? Where have you been getting on stage? Life Factory, Flapperist, Improv. I be everywhere. Shit. The Garage. I be all over

this motherfucker. Snapchat. How do you get around? I got a car. 1992 Ford Taurus. That's the crib. That's right. And it's the crib. That's the crib. It's a mobile home. Got a mobile home. It's a 92 Ford Taurus. Being there like...

I love it. And you're wearing the 92 Ford Taurus of shirts right now. Yeah. I look like a thrift mannequin. I said, give me that outfit. He was naked. That is what I love about this show, is that we're getting to talk to Malcolm

and hear Malcolm and meet Malcolm while he's still living in his car next to Planet Fitness. Planet Fitness. I feel like weeks from now, you'll be living in my car. Is it a minivan? Because that's what I want next.

It's like a two-bedroom for a homeless dude. I'm living in the studio right now. Are you loving it here, or do you miss back home? I miss home. I miss my friends, but Cali's cool. I like doing comedy, but know what I'm saying? But I just miss home, the food. Were you close with your family?

Mama's boy? Yeah, I was Mama's boy, but I was like, hey, Mama, I love you. All right, I'm gone. But I was close to her when I was at home. But I was always out. I was just always doing funny shit, stupid shit. You got brothers and sisters? Mm-hmm.

How many? I got a younger brother and an older sister. Malcolm in the middle. Wow, look at that. Are they funny? My brother funny, but he kind of tough, so it's like,

he's scary. And my sister, she just like me. Did you leave a girlfriend in North Carolina? Yeah, I got a girl back home.

Yeah. She considered your Malcolm X? Nah, she like my Whitney Houston. Oh, yeah? And I'm Bobby Brown, because I'm this close to doing Craig. You're a lot of fun, man. That's awesome.

Welcome to California, brother. That's really awesome. Malcolm? Jeff Ross, nice to meet you. Hey, Malcolm, if you want to do the next Ice House again, I'd love to have you back at the Ice House. Boom! Back on the Ice House. Malcolm did it again. Hell yeah, dude.

Unbelievable. Performance of the night yet again. But anything can happen now as we go back to the bucket. God, I love that. Don't you love that? The likable super underdog, no doubt a future star. Fuck yeah. How about one more time for Malcolm, everybody?

That's how it's done. All right, this looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Shaggy. Not seeing movement, so we're gonna move on. All right. Put your hands together for Mikey Corsale. Wow. No movement. Look at this. Is that Mikey? Here he is! Here he areas areas Mikey Corsair I think guys are Mikey from London sir for London crew I was just saying to my

pals up there how the fuck I feel sorry for the cunt who's gonna be oh sorry I'll get I'll get to that word the fuck... I feel sorry for the cunt who's going to... Oh, sorry. I'll get to that word in a minute. I feel sorry for the guy that's following Malcolm, and then I get called out. But talking about cunt, that was actually... I said that by accident, but that was actually going to be my act. Why is that word so taboo here in America?

Can anyone tell me? Because in London, we've been casual cunting for about 20 years. Like, cunt's not an insult. You know, like, your mate does something nice for you, you're like, you're such a lovely cunt. Or someone says something funny, you're like, you funny cunt.

I mean, we can use it aggressively, of course. Like, how many fucking times have I told you, cunt? I don't want a cup of tea. You go on and I'll drink it. Oh, it's a lovely cup of tea, grandma. Thanks a lot. Thank you. Mikey Casale, short and sweet.

Fuck yeah, Mikey Corsale. How's it going? You are by far one of the funniest top halves of a centaur we've ever had. What's that? What of a centaur we've ever had. What's that? What's a centaur? The centaur is a guy that looks exactly like you, but with the bottom half of a horse. A centaur, you mean?

You're going to speak the English language, darling. Fuck you, homie. You know what he fucking meant, eh? Centaur, centaur fucking meant, eh? All right? Centaur, centaur, whatever, eh? I don't give a fuck, eh? You're ready for it, eh? Where are your other two friends, Ethos and Ramos?

I thought it was going on here. What is going on? You're on a real live show. That's a good movie. I know this must be crazy for you to be on a live show and not have Jimmy Carr or Russell Brand hosting it. I get told I look like it. How long have you been wearing orthopedic shoes for? You have a...

I didn't expect you to be as London-y as you are. You have the head of almost like an American. Really? Yeah, I was expecting American. Really? And it came off all, hee-biddy-ho-biddy-what's-up. You know?

It was perfect. This is how we speak English, the right way. Ha-ha-ha-ha. You... Where was I? This is him. This is his theme song. You ever heard this song before?

I haven't heard that song before. It's an American classic. There you go. London calling the clash. Fuck yeah. All right, Mikey. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time.

I just popped my chair. Wow, really? You came all the way from London to start? Mate, I'll be honest with you. I don't mean any disrespect. I've never heard of your show. Sure, and I've never heard of you, you piece of shit. I didn't know.

A couple of my pals said that they were coming down here to try out. So I just stuck my name down with them. That's great. You got a couple of laughs, too. How do you feel? Thanks, man. I feel good, yeah. Just know that you shamed your queen tonight.

She ain't my queen. Tony. Yes, Joelberg. I've never seen this in live, but my grandma had a bunch of candles of him growing up. That was a good one. That's so cool. I love the balls Mikey I mean you show up to the comedy store

your buddies bring you here because they're fans of the show and you go fuck you mate I'm signing up Mate I didn't know I was signing up I thought it was like the list to get in here Wow Did you not pay to get in you son of a bitch My mate bought me a I just put my name on the guest list myself

Alright Mikey what do you do for work over in England son of a bitch. I just put my name on the guest list meself. Alright, Mikey. What do you do for work over in England? Well, I'm an actor, actually. You're an actor? I am, yeah. Oh, shit. Do you do any accents or anything? Can you do like an American guy? Well, which region would you like? I mean, I can do California. Fuck, yeah.

California gay dude. Perfect. That was just his Tony Hinchcliffe impression. There's the weekly throw Tony under the bus from Jeremiah Watkins. The golden goose. All right. How about any other ethnicities? Can you do a black guy?

A black guy? Wait, that wasn't... What's that? And the American, you read it back in American. I don't know if black people, white people, whatever, they've got different accents around. We don't call them that there. I don't know if I can say what we call them.

New York or Southern. Can you do an American black guy? What, for shit? Like shit for real, yeah. I mean, I can do black. I can do like, but I don't know what region I'm from, like, you know. No, Aphrodite is waving you off, dude. I'm sorry.

I go to my official black correspondent, Aphrodite, and she's waving you off over here. That was bad. I fucked up. That was no region. That wasn't even beige, dude. All right, Jeremiah Watkins. I don't understand how that was more racist than my Mexican accent

How about Aphrodite? Should we see if he can do a black woman? How about a black woman? Can you try a black woman? I met a black woman Black American woman? Yes, go ahead A couple of days back

I stopped to ask a woman for directions, and I said to her, excuse me, I said, do you know where the Topaz apartments are? And she went, so this is my black woman impression. She went,

Topaz? Yo, I ain't never heard no Topaz. All right, it got bad. Topaz is the name of her baby. Topaz is a great film. Alfred Hitchcock. Aphrodite waved you off on that one. Are you in any films or movies or TV shows that we might be able to Google?

Team America. World Police. Shown over here. Perhaps you were in Downton Abilis? No. Not with the class where I'm from. They wouldn't have me in Downton Abbey unless it's like to sweep the toilets or whatever the other guy was doing. I was in a show called Humans over here.

I don't know if you guys saw that on AMC. Humans on AMC. Yeah, so I was a small part in that. It's Humans. It's on the Earth Network. I don't know actually if I'm allowed to say this. Is this show going out live on the internet? Yeah.

Yeah. Yes. Fuck it. I'll just say it anyway. So I've got a movie coming up this. Is this show going out live on the internet? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Oh, fuck it. I'll just say it anyway. So I've got a movie coming up. I think it's going to be on TV here. It's going to be on TV in the UK. And I'll play George Michael in his life story.

Whoa. Very cool. Very cool. I have my phone. I'll show you. Let's see the butt. The butt. So do you play him now after he's dead?

No. They had an older guy to play him now after he's dead? No They had an older guy to play him later in life I played him a bit younger Yeah You play him like during the bathroom I guess it must be nice

During that time Yeah Let's just say I got a real question Yeah Have you ever done any background work on Game of Thrones?

I haven't yet No I've never ever been called I feel like a lot of UK people Yeah I mean If I was a UK actor I'd be pretty pissed that I haven't yet. No, I've never ever been caught. I feel like a lot of UK people. Yeah, I mean, if I was a UK actor, I'd be pretty pissed that I haven't been in that yet.

I mean, that's right. I didn't like that either. They only book... Okay, forget it. Hey, Tony. Yes, Patty Reagan. I give that set like one out of five tortas. Beyond that, I would like to say,

I'm curious. Hey, like, I'm curious. Hey, look at me, fool. Hey, I like to... I want to probe into your psyche. Go for it. Do you think dolphins ever go golfing? They don't go from the water, man. Fuck yeah.

You didn't answer the question correctly. Had you answered it right, he was going to take you to a Raiders game. Mikey, what do you think is the most American thing about you? Because you seem very British. So what's the most American thing? I don't know. However you take the question. What's the most American thing? I don't know.

However you take the question. Mate, I would say that probably the most American thing about me is I'm really easygoing, whereas I think in England... People are a little more uptight. Much more uptight, mate, yeah. I love American. I love Americans, and this is just where I want to live. Oh, yeah. I think he's a spy.

Let's kill him. No, seriously, dude. There's one American a spy. Let's kill him. No, seriously. There's, like, one American that I hate, but other than that, like, I just love Americans. I love it. Well, that's a perfect thing to say when you're in the greatest country in the world.

I am, yeah, yeah. There he goes, Mikey Corsale, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. All right. I pulled a name out of the bucket right after Mikey because I thought no one was coming to the stage. You came from the very back. Yeah, yep, we're going to do this one,

and then Jeff's going to pull the next name. This looks like, I don't believe she's been on the show before. This looks like a new name. Let's make some noise for Vanessa Marie Lopez. Here we go. From the front row. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. She made it. She cleared it. Holy shit.

I heard a verbal holy shit. Make some noise for Vanessa Marie Lopez, everybody. So I've been a server for 16 years, so I like to say that I know the true face of evil. So the true face of evil is a middle-aged white woman on Valium with a chihuahua saying her burger was medium rare instead of medium because it was in a pool of blood. So I think serving in the guest relationship

is the most weirdest scenario you put yourself in. It's like, bitch, I want your money. And, bitch, I want you to work for it. And it's just, why do you put yourself in that situation? So I'm going to give you a tip. So if you ever ask your server, what's your favorite thing on the menu, what they hear is, what is the most expensive thing on the menu, bitch, because I want your money.

So stop that. Stop it. Stop it. The only other person who I think is kind of similar to serving is the most overpaid server in the world, and that's a politician. But don't worry. The similarity is they will always get your order wrong. Boom.

Vanessa Marie Lopez. Hello. Hello, Vanessa. How are you? Vanessa, grab the microphone. How's it going? What's going on? You're acting like you just won the Price is Right.

Shaking Jeremiah's hand. What did she say to you just now, Jeremiah? She said, I love you. She said, I love you. Oh, shit. Wow. First comes love, then comes mariachi. Oyele, wey.

Oyele, wey. By the way, a torta is... Damn, wait. Joel, how'd you get up here? Your shoe's untied. It's been bothering me all night. Hey, you're a server, right? Yeah, no.

Can I give you a tip? Can you sign it? I love this girl. Vanessa Marie Lopez. I actually need that back. Okay. Jolina, Jolina, you just arrived at the comedy scene. What do you think about Vanessa Marie Lopez coming up here trying to steal your thunder?

Well, I didn't want to say it at first. This bitch is my arch nemesis, Tony. You don't know this bitch. I know this bitch. Pero, you don't want to say it at first. This bitch is my arch nemesis, Tony. You don't know this bitch. I know this bitch, eh? Pero, you don't even know, though. I know you, girl. I saw you. I'm just kidding.

I don't know. Jolina, how do you know her? I'm still in litigation right now. I can't really disclose much. That's why you say litigation, because that's what I do. Fuck yeah, Vanessa. So, all right. Is this your first time doing stand-up?

You've been doing it a while? In the entire world ever. It is? First time ever. First time ever. Wow. So cool. Look, it's the Roastmaster General,

Jeffrey Ross. Nice to meet you. Your very first time ever on stage. She was so excited when you called her name. But, yeah. Yeah, I did. When I said Vanessa Marie Lopez, I heard holy shit right from the front row.

Who are you with? Your friends seem to really enjoy your performance. That's my mom. Mrs. Lopez. Give it up for my mom. For real though. I love my mom. Hell yeah.

Vanessa Marie Lopez. Is that true? You've been waiting tables for 16 years? No, no, no. Since I was 16. I don't know what I said. I forgot that entire time. So more like 20 years.

Where do you work? You had your quinceanera. Your mom was like, get a job, bitch. My mom didn't give me a quinceanera. Oh, jeez. You gave it up for your mom and then you threw her under the bus. She's throwing spicy Cheetos at you. Hold on.

Joelberg, ladies and gentlemen. No, no. Wait, wait, wait. Hey, to my arch nemesis right here, my mom never gave me a quinceanera either, eh? Wow. Looks like we've had a settlement. Out of court. Out of court settlement.

Fucking love it. You just got gonorrhea. That's her gang name. All right. Vanessa Marie Lopez What made you sign up? You've never done stand up? No what made me sign up

Is because my boyfriend Is watching right now And I think he's the funniest person In the entire world And I think he should do stand up And I just wanted to prove to him That anyone can do it Wow

You owned it Wow that is the coolest Fucking shit ever That is so romantic That's how I started That is the coolest fucking shit ever. That is so romantic. That's how I started. Really? Yes.

That's amazing. How many babies do you have? Jeremiah Watkins? The moment is pasado. Pasado. That is so interesting. So this is your way of telling your boyfriend that he should do stand-up. He's watching right now. What's his name?

Well, no, not that he should do stand-up. He should do what he loves. Right. Well, what's crazy is that I actually. He should do the dishes first, eh? Yeah. I actually talked to him, and he's actually waiting tables right now because that's what he thinks you should do for the rest of your life.

No, no. I don't wait tables anymore. Oh, it's okay. It's just for that gigantic laugh that I got. No one really cares. I want you to roast me so bad. Oh my god. Settle down.

Why are you choking yourself right now? So what do you do for work now, Vanessa? I'm a paralegal. How long have you not been able to use your legs? Oh god. I cannot believe this is happening. Wow. So fun.

And your boyfriend listens to the show, watches the show? No, he, yes, yes. He loves you. He loves Joe Rogan. He literally, this is all we listen to every single Monday. Wow. We're from Florida. I'm not from L.A.

Oh. I haven't been to L.A. in like six years. My family, I was raised here. I came here for a funeral for five days. No, yeah. Andrew didn't get a quinceañera? I forced my mom to take me here. No, none of my cousins would take me.

I forced my mom to take me here. Wow, that is so cool. Was it at gunpoint like me? Yes! Ask her, ask her! I forced my mom too. I was like, we're going, puta. We're fucking going, eh?

It was. It was like that. Why the hell did you move to Florida? My dad got a promotion. So the boyfriend, how long have you been with him? Once five years. Five years. And you guys are deeply in love,

it seems. Beyond deeply in love. Wow. Love doesn't mean much. She told me she loved me five seconds ago. It's a different type of love. It's a different type of love. Wow.

Fucking love this show. Oh, my gosh. Wow. Vanessa, that is such a compelling story. I can't wait to see his stand-up. I mean, he's never tried it before. May 19th. You're coming back on May 19th? Hopefully.

Who's going to die then? Huh? Oh my God. So you had the funeral already? Yeah, we did. It was a celebration, not a funeral. Yeah, you seem like you put the fun in funerals. Is it somebody close to you? Yeah, what was the celebration?

It was my mom's aunt, my great aunt. So this is such a great way to snap out of that. You mourn and then you move on. You come to kill Tony for the first time ever. That's right. We celebrate their life. Laughter is the best medicine.

So you should have came last week and brought your great aunt with you. And maybe you wouldn't have had to go to that funeral. She would have loved it. She would have loved it. Yes, she would have loved it. That was good. That's so good. Well, Vanessa, I mean, that is just such a cool fucking story.

Did you say you were thinking you guys are coming back and you're bringing the boyfriend? Yeah, May 19th, hopefully. Is that May 19th or are you talking about June 19th for the five year? No, I know. It's just May 19th? When you said June 19th, I was like, how much is that for a ticket? Right, right, right. I want on Hopper.

But the point is you're coming here in May with him. Yes. Well, make sure he signs up. I will. And make sure you say hello. I will. I will. I'll make sure he signs up.

That's such a cool, compelling story. Aphrodite, by the way, I want to give you props. Every time I listen to the show and you go on, it's like my favorite episode. By the way, I just. There she is. I literally just want to say that. The queen of Kill Tony. I just love you. Everybody loves sweet, sweet Aphrodite. I'm way. I just, I literally just want to say that. The queen of Kill Tony. I just love you.

Everybody loves Sweet Sweet Aphrodite. I just love you. It's all good. I'll let you get that shout out out there. Vanessa Marie Lopez, that was awesome. Welcome to the show. We'll see you May 19th. You guys ready to go to the bucket one last time?

It's Jeff's pool. The Roastmaster with his hand inside Ichabod's bucket of destiny where anything can happen. So many pieces of paper, yet only one is built for destiny on Kill Tony. And the name of the winner is... Please welcome to the stage Josh Ballou. Here he comes. He's got a good pace. Good job.

Hell yeah. All right. How are we doing, folks? All right. My name is Josh Ballou. Oh, true been in the news a lot lately. Not a good time to be a race. Of any kind. Doesn't matter what you are. Doesn't matter if you're black, white, Middle Eastern, NASCAR, black. It doesn't matter. I think about race all the time because I'm biracial.

And for anyone who doesn't know what that means, that means that my dad is black and my mom is a sheet of computer printer paper. Yes. She's rally white. Sorry, she's really white. Really white. People have a lot of questions for me

when they find out I'm half black. Like, are you lying? All right. thank you guys. Fucking awesome. Josh Ballew. I'm so good at hosting this show that I'm going to take a complete guess here. I'm going to guess that you've been doing it about three or four years,

and you're from Austin, Seattle, or Denver. Five years from Wisconsin. Boom. Sort of far off, but Madison has a good scene, right? You're from Madison. Milwaukee. Comedy on state? Milwaukee, yeah.

Wow. You do enjoy painting little trees, right? Yes. Fuck yeah. Yeah. One could... Wait, it's... What is it?

Jim Ross? Bob Ross. Bob Ross, that's right. Very Matt Stone from South Park. Yeah, I get Matt Stone and Bob Ross a lot, yeah. It's like you have Aphrodite's ass. Yeah, shout out Aphrodite, yeah. Yeah, that's...

You're like Afro-Whitey. I couldn't, Tony, I couldn't concentrate because he didn't move the microphone out of the way. No, that's his head. Oh, okay, makes sense then. All right, cool. Josh, that's fucking awesome. So you still live in Wisconsin?

No, I moved here about a month and a half ago. A month and a half ago. Well, you had really good yolks. I think you had like the best yolks of the evening. You and Malcolm Malcolm had that fat girl shadow yolk which was maybe my favorite yolk I've ever heard on this show.

But you had really good yolks and I was just wondering like I don't know if you think this but would you guys think it would be cool if Natalie Imbruglia married Mike Birbiglia and then took, kept her name? She'd be Natalie

Imbruglia Birbiglia, fool. Shit, that'd be funny. Holy shit. Es mi chico, Paddy Regan. So, Josh, that's so fucking cool. You moved here a month and a half ago. What do you do for work?

Looking for a job right now. Looking for a job. What are you looking for? Like what field are you in? Are you signed up for ZipRecruiter.com? Because you... Find a job, usually within the first 24 hours. I heard good things.

ZipRecruiter for free. That's right, free. Just go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. The smartest way to hire. And get some boner pills. Boner pills, yeah. I worked for a bunch of non-profits back in Milwaukee,

so that's kind of where I'm focusing now. A daytime job, anything Monday through Friday. You at a non-profit? That's so shocking. So you did stand-up in Milwaukee for five years? Yeah, so like three and a half, then I was in Chicago for a year and a half, and then came out here. Wow.

Yeah. That's great. What's your current living situation like? I'm crashing with a buddy in his garage. And you don't even need a... Yeah, Jeff, what was that? So you don't even need a pillow. That's right.

That's right. Wow. What's the garage like? Is there a couch or a bed out there? It's a couch. We actually just put in new flooring in the garage. New cement? No.

For the rats? By your hair, I guess it was shag carpet. I've got one of the people that lives in the house. He manages a theater that does stand-up specials. They put in special flooring. I'm sure you guys know this. They put in specific flooring for specials. He just gets to take it when they're done.

So it's like a... Yeah. I don't know what it's called. A microfiber? Yeah, something like that. It's really nice, though. It's like sheen. It's called magical flooring that you're not ready for.

No, I'm kidding. It's really nice, though. It's like sheen. It's called magical flooring that you're not ready for. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. All right. Well, Josh, what else is going on? I mean, you're looking for a job, so how are you surviving? What did you do in Wisconsin that you were able to build up money in? Just saved up some money. Really?

I quit drinking. That's a big way to save money. Anybody trying to save money, stop fucking drinking. Were you drinking a lot back in Wisconsin? A little bit, yeah. That seems like one of the only things to do there. What was your drink of choice? I was a beer guy.

Really? They make beer in Milwaukee. It's big. It's a city that's made famous. Do you put plant food in your hair? Yeah, I thought maybe he would drink something more exotic, like a Bloody Harry or something like that.

You put plant food in your hair and watch it grow? Do you put... Do you? Do you put plant food in your hair and watch it grow? I do not, no. What's the most interesting thing you've ever put your penis into? Cantaloupe, perhaps?

A pillowcase? I thought he was going to say Venus Flytrap for sure. I thought he was going to say a live woman. Este chiste, este chiste. Your parents ever see you do stand-up? They have, yeah, both of them. Why do I feel like your mom and dad

both have that same haircut as well? My dad for sure did when he was younger. You're keeping it going. Yeah. What else is in your life besides an afro? Good question. I mean, I'm just doing comedy. Do you have any hobbies when you're not doing comedy or anything like that?

There must be something that you're into that you do. This is super dumb, but recently I've been watching those YouTube videos where they show how magic tricks are done. Yeah. Does anybody else watch that? I love that shit. It's good shit. Yeah, it kind of is.

It's compelling, but also whoever that person is, why do you have to ruin magic? What is wrong with that person, right? I guess so. It's not for everybody, Tony. How much time, how much stand-up can you do? How long is the longest set you've done? Longest I've done is like

30. How did that go? It was good. Better than it should have gone. That's good. Hey, do you know the Pythagorean theorem? No. A squared plus B squared equals C squared, fool. That's right. Josh, what scares you?

What are you afraid of? Flying. Flying? Did you drive here from Wisconsin? No, I had to fly. Really? Wow. What airline?

Delta and Frontier. Wow. I would think as a tumbleweed you'd be more used to airtime. Do you have to get really drunk before you fly? No, I usually just try to strike up a convo with whoever I'm sitting with. You're one of those people. I know.

That's the worst. Can you get this guy out of here? He's got a bomb. How do you have an airplane chime? That is such a weird thing that we've never used before. I've used it before. Almost five years. I feel like I've never heard that. Wow, we have so many airplane sounds.

Josh, does it scare you when you hear those noises? No, no, no. It's just like being in the air. Can you hear those noises? Yes. By the way, Josh, if you think you hate flying, imagine the person who has to sit behind you trying to watch an in-flight movie.

They don't have that anymore. Yeah, they do on some flights. You're a lot of fun, Josh. Tonight, you guys will be watching The Wizard of Oz, except for you in 14A, you'll be watching Josh Baloo's Afro. Alright, Josh. When you get your hair wet, does it go down?

Yeah, it just looks like a dog. Have you ever thought of shaving it, though? Not for a long time. I don't look good with short hair. Why? You got a dick on your head or something? Red Band, good question. Do you have a dick on your head red band on to the case tony i knew a guy who had that once all right hello red band secretary

answering okay yes yeah no no no he's poop right now. He told me to tell you that. Uh-huh. No, he's masturbating while he's pooping on the toilet. Yeah, I think I get Red Band's secretary already. Okay, I gotta go. Okay. To what, the bathroom? All right.

No, I am jerking off too right now. Okay, I see why Red Band hired you as the secretary. That's not your issue. All right, Josh. Well, I mean, if you had to describe yourself in one word, what would that one word be? Stinky. Who was that?

Sorry, Red Band secretary answering again. Okay, no. All right. I guess. Josh, you want to try to answer that if you had to describe yourself? One word? One word, yeah. I've never asked anyone this question on this show before.

Okay. That's tough. That's two words. It's hard. It's hard, Tony. No, I know. It's hard. Next time say teeter tot.

Tequila. Fuck. Kill Tony. Tequila. Fuck. Kill Tony. So Josh. Four songs, Tony and you. Before I let you go, I don't know. I just feel like there's something missing on the surface. I can't believe I didn't make a careless whisper joke

on the guy that wasn't projecting earlier. So what's going to happen, Josh? I was actually shocked as well. I was waiting the whole episode. Yeah, I really fucked up on that one. It's okay. It came late and it didn't play as well. It's true.

It's true. All right, Josh. So what's going to happen, Josh? I mean, now you're here. You're going to do comedy. Yeah, hopefully. What do you hope works out? What do you want to do?

I mean, I like performing. I like writing. What kind of stuff do you like to write? I've done sketch, but mostly just jokes. If I could wake up and know all I have to do is write jokes, I'd be fine with that. I bet you could do it. Thanks, man. Appreciate that. Favorite category of porn?

Ooh. Harry Bush. Obviously Latina. Alright. British? What's British porn? No teeth? All blowjobs? Just the accent. I think just the accent. Oh.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. God save the queen. You like that?

You like that? You like it? I'm squirting all over the place. Oh, look at my gaping butthole. It looks like it's monsoon season. Josh, how long have you had the afro? Since high school. How long ago was that? Last year?

No, that was like 10 years ago. 10 years ago. Yeah. Wow. So you've always just gone with this, the old mad scientist. Yeah, a little bit. That's interesting. A lot of chicks into that?

Yeah, a lot of drunk chicks. Drunk chicks, yeah. Last hookup you had, what was that like? What went on there? A lot of drinking Was it after a show? It might have been after a show Did you grow the afro

So you didn't have to grow a personality? I have a question for him Can you put on a baseball hat? Not a fitted one. Your hair's too big. Yeah. Stupid. He's a big fan of the Houston Afros.

Wow. There we go. That works, right? Good lord. I know. Not really. That's incredible. All right, Josh. Well, best of luck's incredible. Alright, Josh. Well,

best of luck to you. What do you think it would have to take? You've had that for ten years. What do you think it would take to cut your hair? What do you think you're waiting for? A job. A job. Yeah.

A pay raise. I would do it for a considerable enough amount of money. Like 40 bucks? Money? I think I'd do it for money. Yeah. Is that bad? Is that bad to cut it off for money? I don't know. You could donate it to some gross person. That's true. There's an organization where you

can call locks for hate. I could hook you up. You could send it to sheep with cancer. Alright, Josh. There he goes. Josh Ballew. And that is this episode of Kill Tony with the Roastmaster General

Jeffrey Ross. He's bumping mics with Dave Attell. That's at the RoastmasterGeneral.com. Look at that drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Is that crazy or what, Jeffrey Ross? How fucking cool is that? Had a great time here tonight. Hell yeah.

You're the man. Roastmastergeneral.com for tickets. Come see me live. I'll be in Tempe. I'll be in Lake Tahoe, Vegas, Seattle, Portland, New Jersey, the Borgata. Yep. Red Bank, New Jersey. Thanks, Tony.

Red Abraham, PA. Atlantic City, Tempe, Phoenix, Seattle, Portland, and Las Vegas. Roastmastergeneral.com. And Kill Tony goes to Phoenix, Arizona, April 5th. And the whole band and us all are doing stand-up in Tempe the 6th and 7th of April. And Nashville gets its second ever Kill Tony. The last time we were on there, the late, great Ralphie May was our guest. We're going to be making a return April

21st. We did have lunch at his place. So fun. Amazing host. Smoked bowls. Thank you, everybody. Jeremiah Watkins. Thank you. I have a new podcast called Jeremiah Wonders. Most recent episode with my

boy, Patty Reagan. He's always to myonders. Most recent episode with my boy, Patty Reagan. He's always to my right. And also, Thursday, March 8th, I'm co-headlining the La Jolla Comedy Store with my boy, Brian Redband, over there. Follow me on social media at Jeremiah's Standup. A lot of people talking in here. It's okay. You're talking to the people that are listening to the show.

Patty Reagan. I made a short film about two aliens studying abroad on Earth. It's called Dag and Battom. And I will be premiering it at a Kill Tony pre-show very soon. So stay tuned. Fuck yeah. Make sure you listen to the newest episode of Jeremiah Wonders with Patty Reagan. I make a special little appearance on that. And I'm sure that's a great episode of that show.

My new favorite podcast, Jeremiah Wonders. And also The Bunker with Jeffrey Ross. If you follow him on social media. Yeah, that's awesome. You do that at your house, right? It's so cool. Yeah. Ed built a podcast studio under the house.

That's awesome, man. Thick Skin with Jeff Ross. Check it out. Thick Skin with Jeff Ross. Subscribe and rate that on iTunes. Yes, Chroma Chris. Give it up for Chroma Chris on the bass, everybody. There he is. Anything else, Chroma Chris?

Instagram, Chroma Chris. And Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. How about you make some noise for him, huh? Blood, sweat, and tears from this band tonight. Hilarious. Joel Berg, anything else? He's mostly sorry on Twitter and Instagram.

Hey, watch Jeff Ross roast the border. Yeah, fuck yeah. Yes, absolutely. That is good. All the Jeff Ross specials and roast battle and the newest episode of Crashing that features both of us and the great Jeremiah Watkins. And Ryan J. E. Belt's book and posters available

at ryanjebelt.com. And my tour dates are at tonyhenchcliffe.com. Brian Redband? Thursday, see you at the Comedy Store San Diego with Jeremiah Watkins. Thank you, live audience. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you, everybody. There's a body in my pussy

Something great is going on There's a body in my pussy. Everybody, come on. There's a body in my pussy. Something great is going on.