KILL TONY - KILL TONY #255

Episode Date: March 16, 2018

Duncan Trussell, David Arquette, Pat Regan, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 03/12/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Order up for Rebelsis. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out DeathSquad.tv for everything Kill Tony, including past episodes, and we've got video portions of the show. And you also have tour dates there. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, but we also take Kill Tony on the road all the time. We're going to be at Stand Up Live in a few weeks on April 5th.

That's a Thursday. We're going to be at Stand Up Live in a few weeks on April 5th. That's a Thursday. We're going to be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix and then followed by a couple shows the following day at the Tempe Improv. And we're bringing the whole band also. So it's going to be me, Tony and the band. And we're also going to the Nashville Comedy Festival and a bunch of other shows. Check out DeathSquad.TV. Click on Tour Dates for all the info. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. He's all over the place, and he has all his tour dates there and everything. He's going to be at Wise Guys. He's going to be at Comedy Connection, Spokane, Comedy Club, and Zany's in Chicago.

So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelts, the house artist, he draws all the episodes, and he has the Kill Tony poster. You can go to his website, RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, the Death Squad shirts, and all the merch. So check out ShopSquad.TV. So this episode's going to be a little weird. The sound board that we usually use screwed up.

Luckily, we have backups now of the sound. Unfortunately, the only negative of it is that the sound effects and all the music are really loud. So the other backup we had just was from a camera and it kind of sounded like echoey. So I chose one of the better of the two. So please, sorry for this episode if it's a little loud in places. But it still sounds really good. It's just the audio is all mixed weird because it's just a backup. But we have the soundboard fixed and it shouldn't happen again.

Hopefully, knock on wood. All right, guys, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Fuck yeah, hello. Make some fucking noise. We're here.

It's Monday night. This is the real deal. Brian Redband is here. What's up? Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. Yes. All the wheels are in motion for another amazing, fun Comedy Store Kill Tony on a Monday night. We are doing this show live with the entire band,

Red Band, me, the whole group, the whole kit and caboodle is coming to Phoenix at Stand Up Live on April 5th in Nashville, Tennessee on April 21st. Fuck yeah. April 5th, Phoenix, April 21st, Nashville, Tennessee, one of my favorite cities in the goddamn country. They know how to get down in Nashville.

We're also doing stand-up comedy, all of us and the band, in Tempe, Arizona, at the Tempe Improv. Four shows, April 6th and 7th. And I'm doing stand-up on my own in Providence, Salt Lake City, Spokane, San Fran, and Boston. All in the next two months. Damn. So, what do I have to do? I have to get people to buy tickets by going to TonyHinchcliffe.com, which is a Squarespace website.

Oh. You can create a beautiful website to turn your cool idea into a new website, showcase your work, publish content, sell products and services of all kinds. It's so easy nowadays. If you just want to put a website together, you can do it within 30 minutes. Like I do ShopSquad.TV where you can get the Kill Tony T-shirt and all the other Death Squad merch. I did it all on shop squad.

It's real simple. Nowadays, it's just drag and drop. Hey, I want to... You could even do a store. You could sell merch. We all do it. And you can do it too. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code KILL to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com use the offer code KILL to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com. Enter the code KILL and save yourself on a new website. You guys ready to meet tonight's guests or what? Huh?

You guys like fun times? You're about to fucking have it. I give to you the great and powerful comedy stylings of Duncan Trussell and David Arquette. Oh, shit. That's a fucking cheerleader. Yeah. Dallas Cowgirl. Come on in.

Welcome. The return of David Arquette to Kill Tony, and for the first time four years and nine months of me asking him, Duncan Trussell is here ladies and gentlemen. Hi, hi, hi, hi.

Thank you all for coming out tonight. Hell yeah, we're going to have some fun. You've done this before, David. We met a bunch of fun people with you and I'm excited that you're back. Yeah man, me too. I'm glad to be here. Duncan, not only one of my favorite comedians, podcasters, and human beings on the planet, but this is your first time here.

And a lot of people might not know this. A real fun fact about Duncan is that he was once the talent coordinator of this club. You were actually making the lineups. Yes, that's right. That's awesome. Way back. Thank you. Okay, that's not working. Tony, this is incredible, man. We're in the main room. This shit is blowing my mind.

The cool thing about the comedy story is you get to meet people like Tony when they're just starting out. And I'm glad I didn't come here for four years. I'm glad for four

years I lied to you about things I was doing. But like, because this, to see this growing around somebody who I met just starting comedy, it's really one of the most beautiful things ever, man.

So congratulations. Fucking badass. Well, Duncan, if you were here before the four years, if this is your third time coming out here, you would have seen it grow from the You're a wonderful man! Look how much fun they're having the chemistry between Duncan and David I have a bucket full of comedians' names

believe it or not I could sit here with Duncan and David all night but instead we're going to go to the bucket. You guys know how it works you get 60 seconds. If I call your name you get 60 seconds of stage time, and you know that 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're gonna bring out

the angry West Hollywood band. Wow. Sounds furious tonight. Oh, yeah, the band. I almost forgot to bring out the fucking band. Look at that. Look at me. I'm so excited. I almost forgot about the best the fucking band. Look at that. Look at me. I'm so excited. I almost forgot about the best damn band

in the land. Every week they do different characters and they commit to them throughout the show. It's an unbelievable goddamn anomaly right now in all of comedy. It's one of my favorite things. Put your hands together for the Kill Tony band. It's Pat Reagan, Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, Joel Berg

and Chroma Chris. Who knows what they're going to do tonight. Alright. Looks like women. Wow. Alright. Wow. Welcome to the jungle. Welcome to the jungle. Welcome to the jungle. All right. Wow.

I have no idea what this is even supposed to be. We're cougars, Tony. Fucking cougars. Really? Wow. Good lord. Cougars. All right. Wow.

Good lord. Cougars. Older aged women is what they're trying to pull off. That's funny. I thought Jeremiah was supposed to be the corpse of Kurt Cobain for a second. And then clearly that cougar down on the end with the bass guitar is Slash from Guns N' Roses. And then we have the real housewives of orange selling on the sideways, Joel Jimenez back there. I'm excited about this.

Cougars, how you feeling tonight? Oh, so good. You hear that, Tony? So good Wow, I can't believe Emo Phillips is in the band as well Hey, Tony Yeah You ever see a cougar ride a pony? Whoa

Good lord, I think this sounds enticing I just want to let the cougar closest to me with the red hair Know that your tit is popping out. I don't know if he realized that. Oh, is it? My bad. Jesus. It's a pretty big tit, too. Looks like the tit of someone that gained 30 pounds in the month of December.

It looks real. Like, that's a real tit. It really does. My pussy's real, too. Whoa! I don't like that at all. Wow. Can I ask you something? Oh, but of course, Mr. Trussell.

Are you into monogamy? Are you polyamorous? I'm so poly, it's scary. All right. Damn. He's so poly that Josh Martin's opening up for him in Tuscaloosa. That's a Pauly Shore joke for you guys.

I should have said Pauly Shore. So we got the Cougars up here. We have an amazing crew. You guys ready to start this motherfucker or what? It's Kill Tony. Oh, yeah, the five-year anniversary is June 18th here in the main room. Five years of Kill Tony. So let's get right to it.

I'm going to pull a name out of the bucket. It could be somebody's very first time ever doing stand-up. It could be somebody who's been doing it 20 years, and they're here to take over the goddamn world. You never know what's going to happen. Put your hands together for your first comedian, Teddy G. 60 seconds.

Teddy G. Getting us started here tonight. Steady jog. Put your hands together for Teddy G, everyone. Happy 2018, everybody. This is the year we're all going to make it. Because everybody in here is talented. In Hollywood, no talent goes to waste.

You got HPV, you can be on a national commercial With residuals 50 G's in the bank, dude HPV money Got a small dick Be on a non-union extends commercial $300 buyout, non-union Small dick money Luckily I have been typecasted as a gay racist

So, uh You know, I'm doing pretty well A lot of work out there For young gay racists I'm not a gay racist But, uh But not that there's anything wrong with that You know

Don't want to offend any young gay racists out there But not that there's anything wrong with that. Don't want to offend any young gay racists out there. Shit, I wish I was gay, man. Only in the gym, though. Only in the gym. Alright, there you go. Teddy G going to the bear. Is that true?

Do people really think you're a gay racist? I have, yeah, three, my last three jobs. How many of those jobs were you MacGruber? Man, I wish. I wish. Zero, unfortunately. Cougar Jeremiah. You look more like a young Obi-Wan Kenobi to me. The force is strong in this one. Teddy G., how long have you been doing stand-up?

Probably five years now. Actually, the last time I was on the show, it was with Arquette. Wow. Yeah, yeah, very long ago. Fun fact, David Arquette is one of the executive producers of a show called Cougar Town. Did you guys know that?

Did you guys do that on purpose? The band? That's points for me. I'll take that. We love Cougar Town. We love Cougar Town and we love David Arquette. Yeah.

Thank you. That show only cost me my marriage. Hey! Thank you. Thank you. Sorry. That was a bummer. Thank you It's getting real up here Wow Somebody get to

What are the three jobs? What were you One of them was The first one was The Coen Brothers movie Suburbicon. I had a small scene. Just a raging racist. The second one was Trevor Moore Show.

And it was like music video. And they told me I was going to be an astronaut. And it sounds pretty cool. And I show up and they put me in skinny jeans. They're like, astronaut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joelberg is here. And they gave me a sign that said, wall, check mark.

Like, I voted for the wall. And then the last one. What's that? So did you? Did I what? Did you vote for the wall? Yeah. I did not vote for the wall. I did not vote for the wall

I did not vote for the wall The last one was American Horror Story Cult Where I was proud boy number one Wow you get a lot of work Yeah I mean that was like the last How do you do that do you find these gigs For mostly yourself or

You have like an agent or something Yeah I have an agent Yeah You know I wonder what would happen yourself or you have like an agent or something yeah i'm an agent it's the cyber manager yeah you know you know i i wonder what would happen if you came out on stage instead of spreading all that stuff out you just said i'm a gay racist with a tiny dick in hpv and HPV and then go into your act. Okay. That'd be pretty cool, man. I think if you just compress it all

and this is how you introduce yourself, don't go back into that. Just start off and just feel the energy of the audience when they think that you're... Yeah, just get to the meat and potatoes, which, by the way, is the favorite meal of gay racists. Meat and potatoes. That's and potatoes, which, by the way, is the favorite meal of gay racists. Meat and potatoes.

That's so funny, man, because now we know Tony calls cum potatoes. Oh, my. I do love those sweet, sweet feel of potatoes in my mouth. I love them, too, man. Oh, my God. All different kinds of potatoes, too. Nothing better than a big bowl of potatoes in my mouth. I love them too, man. Oh my god. All different kinds of potatoes too. Nothing better than a big bowl of potatoes, huh, Tony?

I just fucking love it. Everybody can grow their own potatoes and put it in the bowl and I'll just suck it down. Dude, yeah, I know. I love it, man. When you're making mashed potatoes in the blender and they spray all over your face, it's the best. Yep, I wipe it off and lick it

and swallow it down my dirty, dirty gay throat. It's delicious potatoes. Fuck yeah. I actually do love meat and potatoes, though. That's actually my favorite meal. Well, not anymore. I'm pretty sure we just ruined potatoes

for every Kill Tony listener. Man, I'm such a big Kill Tony fan. I never ate potatoes after that episode with Duncan and David. Teddy G, do you make all your money acting? man i'm such a big kill tony fan i never ate potatoes after that episode with duncan and david uh teddy g do you make all your money acting do you ever pick up side jobs or anything like yeah yeah i have a truck and i move people's shit all the time wow that's the real fucking yeah you know what i do if i were you man like not like you're you're that you're you're beautiful and you're charismatic so like if i was you man

one of the things i'd always be kind of thinking about is like oh but you know i can always start a cult because you could do it like check him out like totally like if you developed like a nice like guru theater thing where like you could just go out to joshua tree for a couple of days come back and say God came to you. And I guarantee, man, within like two months, people will be playing harmonium around you and singing. Well, that was a horror story. It was a horror story cult. So it was a member of a cult.

Time to stop being a member. That's kind of what Tony started here is a little bit of a cult. That's kind of what Tony started here is a little bit of a cult. Well, I mean, this is the interesting thing. I think I have a theory that that's how Duncan runs his cults is by having other people run cults. And it's a big pyramid scheme. Literally. Okay, first of all, here's the thing, Tony.

You don't start a cult. The cult starts you. Oh, wow. Do you guys feel that? Do you guys hear that, too? I don't know. What's going on in this room? I was born on a hippie commune. Oh, wow. Do you guys feel that? Do you guys hear that, too? I don't know. What's going on in this room? I was born on a hippie commune. A commune.

Really? Just for random fact. That's fucking... How long did you live there? Just for a few years, yeah. The guy who started the whole sort of religious philosophy showed up and said, what are you doing here?

This is ridiculous. You're not supposed to isolate yourself and be weirdos. Who was the guy? A guy named Bapak. It's called Subud and it's Indonesian and you're not supposed to talk about it. Not really. You're not supposed to

promote it or something. I don't think I'm promoting it. That's the best way to promote a cult ever. You must be a deep cult member dude because they're like don't think I'm promoted. That's the best way to promote a cult ever! You must be a deep cult member, dude, because they're like, don't go out there and say the cult's great. Go out there and say I'm not supposed to talk about the cult because it's so powerful.

If that works, then in that case, I'm not supposed to talk about Squarespace. Can I tell a story the last time, what happened after that show? I really don't want you to tell a story The last time What happened after that show I really don't want you To tell the story Oh man I really don't think

It's gonna end up well I swear I promise Alright go ahead Okay so Our cat's leaving right In an Uber And we're like Hey man

Where you going He's like get in So he takes us To the strip club Oh Jesus Stop the story Stop the story I like it when David Comes back And keeps being a guest On the show We paid for it With Squarespace Takes us to the strip club. Oh, Jesus. Stop the story. Stop the story.

I like it when David comes back and keeps being a guest on the show. We paid for it with Squarespace. We did a website. It was a great time of my life. We had fun, though, right? Yeah, man. He bought me a laptop. How did it end? Tell us that.

He just took off. Fuck yeah. Perfect. Good job. There's Teddy G, everybody. There he goes. You met him here on Kill Tony. He's on Twitter at The G Bud. Five years in the game.

You can book him for your movie, TV show, or to move your shit. Racist. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Christian Pierce. Here we go.

I think I've seen movement from the very back. You got a gray hoodie. Is it good to be true? Hell yeah. That's a real human being. It's Christian Pierce, ladies and gentlemen. It's all happening. One steady pace.

Christian Pierce, ladies and gentlemen. It's all happening. One steady page. Christian Pierce, everyone. I was pretty depressed living here in L.A., so I decided to visit my parents for Christmas. I didn't work, didn't get any better. I was still depressed. I took the toaster from the kitchen and was walking back to my room with it. My dad said, son, what are you doing with the toaster? And I looked at him and said, I'm going to plug it in and I'm going to take a bath with it.

And he said, what? You're going to take a bath without me? I'm pretty broke here. I'm just gonna move on to the... Anyway, I sucked a guy's dick for free. He gave me a pretty good-sized tip, though, so, you know, good shit. Fuck yeah. Christian Pierce. I love it.

Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Welcome to the show. This is your first time. Yes, it is. Jeremiah? Can I just say he is my type all the way. Scott, the cougar is going crazy.

For those of you listening to the podcast, he looks like a young Anthony Jezelnik. You can kickflip into my butthole anytime. Christian, how old are you? I'm 21 21? Oh, wow Little baby Mama like, mama like, mama like, mama like

Wow, what's the first thing you would do to Christian If you got your hands on him, Cougar Walkins? Oh, I would let him Oh, God, just stop it I'm about to let you spray your potatoes all over my chest. Fuck yeah. Got it. Last second.

And it's good. That's my cougar, Jeremiah Hobotkin. Yeah. All right, Christian, so you're 21, and as a veteran host of this show, I can tell you that when people say that they're 21, that means that there's a 98% chance that they're younger than 21,

and they just say they're 21 to stay in. But I get it. You have to shake your head no with that. So you're 21. What are you doing? Going to college? No, I dropped out. I'm acting here.

Fuck yeah. Jesus. Mama Watkins is getting hot and wild. You're just acting? What else? Doing filmmaking with my friends. Just making stupid videos. Damn, you're like a

fucking future star. One day I'm going to be like Christian Pierce was on my show once. I think he's right. You're hilarious. Those jokes are amazing. The geometry of your joke writing seems perfect. I love it. The only

advice I give you, because you are probably going to become incredibly famous, and now that you're 21, start drinking and taking pills now. Got to. That's the move. Do it now. Because what's the's the move. Do it now. Because what's the cool age to die at?

33. 33. 27. So to make your exit at 27, dude, you got to get in right now. Clock's ticking. I consider any boy over 25 dead to me.

Okay, so I'm not going to suck this guy's dick. You're not? No, okay? I felt like I liked your jokes. This is what cougars do, right? They say they're not going to do something? No, I'm not going to suck his dick. Everyone's like, you're going to be a fucking star.

Fuck yeah. I'm not kidding. Okay. it sounds like behind this middle age it sounds like behind this middle-aged cougar there's some deep uh anger and resentment from almost seems like there's a no i just want i just had one comment one quick comment and it's been drawn out to this long yes go ahead uh it sounds like your jokes are from Reader's Digest. Wow. Christian, how does that burn feel, huh? It feels so good. It's not a burn.

It's not a burn. I just, I just, I like your jokes. It reminds me of you. Not in a negative way. Not in a negative way. It just reminded me of reading Reader's Digest jokes. If you want a different kind of burn, sleep with me and get chlamydia.

I do remember. Now I know what you're talking about. I remember those jokes. You're right. You're sort of right. I like that. I forgot about that whole thing. I used to love that when I was a kid.

Is there still a Reader's Digest? That's a good question. No, there isn't. It's gone. That's cool. You know 80% of people who used to read Reader's Digest have cancer? That's true. I was like, they haven't connected it, but you've never heard that thing? No, I've heard it.

Like they say there was something in the pages or something. There was like a poison in the ink. There is a link. No joke, when I was driving over, for some reason, I googled, have any presidents died of cancer? And I couldn't find any. Don't you think that's a little bit of a scam?

I'm pretty sure. You know what I mean? Fuck those assholes. If they're like, okay, here's the no cancer thing. Fuck you guys. Tony. Joel Hernandez. I'm so old I have to take probiotics to digest Reader's Digest.

Very good. Activia. March 12th You have to take probiotics to digest Reader's Digest. Very good. Activia. March 12th was the night that David Arquette learned what the word scam actually means. All right. I don't know what's going on here anymore. Christian, so you're 21. Are you from L.A.? No, I'm from Arizona.

You're from Arizona. How long ago did you move out here? Almost two years. It's coming up on two years, I think. How do you Arizona. How long ago did you move out here? Almost two years. It's coming up on two years, I think. How do you survive? How do you make enough money to live? I do act. I mean, I was just in a movie that, you know, okay.

Do you do role play? I do background work. Did you work with the Coen brothers like Kenny G did? No, that guy had a great resume. Fuck you. I do, like, background work, like extras for, like, film and TV, and then had a great resume. Fuck you. I do background work, extras for film and TV, and then I do Postmates.

I just started that just to make some extra on top of... Have you done a satanic ritual yet to offer your soul to Lucifer? I did. Before I moved here, I was like,

I got to get into... So you have given your heart to the one... Yeah. All my friends are now. Oh, you're going to be fine. I've had a lot of supporting. Is that a thing?

Oh, yeah. You got to like, that's one of the classic moves. You got to like, kind of like, you know. What's your love life like? You seem like a suave motherfucker. You have a girlfriend right now? Yeah, I got a girlfriend in Arizona. In Arizona?

Yeah. She goes to school there. Yeah, I bet she does. What's she studying? What's she studying? You bastard. She's studying school there. Yeah, I bet she does. What's she studying? What's she studying? You bastard. She's studying how to stay loyal, that bitch. Am I right?

Exactly. You have bad service at your apartment, don't you? Huh? You have bad service at your apartment? Cell phone service? Yeah. Yeah. I do.

It sucks. Oh, the calls drop all the time. Oh, and then my battery went dead, too. Whoopsie-daisy. Yeah. Stop it, you guys. Stop it. Stop it. You guys, stop it. Stop it.

Never ever has a girl cheated on a guy when she's in college and he moves away. That's never happened. It's true. I'm sorry. Tony, I want to test this guy's faith. I have a gift for him right now. Uh-oh. Let's test it.

Welcome to another episode of Test His Faith. Do we have a song for test? Oh, it's already over. It smells like potatoes. Yeah. Why would you really smell it? We found that in the woman's restroom like a week ago. Okay, Brian, relax.

Sorry, there's a little bit of gravy on those. Christian, how long have you been dating this girl? Almost two years also. Like, right when I moved out here, I just met her. When you moved to LA, you started dating a fucking girl in Arizona? What a bullshit artist you are, dude. What is she studying? She studies speech

therapy, which is like, you know, she's smart. She's learning English. I can tell you're lying. How often do you see her? Every month I go back, and she comes here. She was just here for spring break. Has she ever ordered food off you from Postmates just to see you? No.

From Arizona? Be quite the charge. That would be, huh? Yeah. All right. Well, it was nice to meet you. What else do you do for fun? Like, what else are you into?

You seem like a guy that has, like, special skills and talents. No, not really. I mean, I'm kind of active. I work out, go play basketball, jerk off, keep going. Yeah. I just saw Cougar Watkins' water break over there. I don't know if that's normal. You said you do videos with your friends, like viral videos and all that. No break over there. I don't know if that's normal. You said you do videos with your friends,

like viral videos and all that. No, not there, but I'm kind of just practicing until I can make a short film, like a real something. Do you want to make a long film with me? Jesus. A lot of sexual tension on this stage tonight. You know what you should do, man?

You should get into hang gliding. Yeah? Yeah, just like the... I'm telling you, man, no joke. As a young, up-and-coming actor who's sold his soul to Lucifer, there's nothing better than being on that hang glider flying above the sea,

knowing you're gonna burn in hell forever. Do it, man. Trust me. You'll love it. And there's some good life advice from one of my favorite comedians, Duncan Trussell, for Christian Pierce on his first time on Kill Tony. He's on Twitter at FurshurKP.

F-U-R-S-H-U-R-K-P. There goes Christian Pierce, little fucking 17-year-old, 21-year-old for you. This is two weeks in a row that Joel has been a woman. I think he's starting to really like this. I think you're starting to really like this. You want to jacked me off?

Do you want to jacked me off? I guess so. Listen to the fans from last week. The Roar, a seven-day callback. I'm pretty sure that's the first time in Kill Tony history that that's happened. Damn. A seven-day callback from Joel Burke. I'll do it again next week.

Jacked me up. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Maddie Stoss. Here we go. Here she comes. Hello, Comedy Store! How you guys doing?

So I recently found out that my first boyfriend might be gay. So I recently found out that my first boyfriend might be gay. And I think it's because he was like a very avid watcher of hot dog eating contests. He watched. He didn't want to participate. And so I think I kind of always knew. He always like hated going down on me. Which like I feel kind of reinforced his straightness. Because no guy likes to go down. And I was like, well, nah, I feel kind of reinforced his straightness. Because no guy likes to go down.

And I was like, well, nah, nah, no. And every time he did go down on me, it was sort of like he was looking at a lunar eclipse. Just like, no, yeah, it's great. Yeah, should I have some sort of protective eyewear for this? No, okay. And, you know, it's crazy, but the first time, he just got avidly angry.

Okay, I'm done. Fuck yeah. Maddie Stocks. Thank you. Welcome to the show. Thank you. Thank you, it's my first time. How long have you been on stand-up?

A year. A year, and look at that, you're already as funny as Amy Schumer. Oh. I'll take that. I'll take it. Whoopsie daisy. Do you really think guys don't like going down on women? Not the guys I date. Do you have something down?

Do you have like pube or red bush? All right. All right. No, no. I don't. It's a little spicy. It's a little spicy. Hey, sorry.

Hey, sorry. My guitar's not on. You really think guys don't like going down on women. No, I mean, like, I've gotten a guy that's, like, really gone ham on it. But, like. Wow. That's an amazing feeling to have a nice cold piece of ham pushed onto your pussy, isn't it? It's good for it, too.

It softens it. Yeah, for sure. Moisturizing. isn't it it's good for it too softens it yeah for sure moisture i wear because you know i think that if you say because like i think one thing that you might not be you know i really don't know is that a lot of us love licking cum out of a girl's pussy it's the best thing ever number one so number two i think coming out and saying like yeah i'm saying, like, I've been with so many shitty boyfriends that I actually think guys don't like going down on girls is closer to the truth. The reality of your life is you've been dating some fucking psychotic shitheads. Yeah. So, like, that's a premise to start on And then go into the part about where they push

Do you have an extended labia? Okay Brian But wait I just want to clarify We're talking about girls cum Yes No wait Wait your question I went full potatoes

No we're not talking about Mashed potatoes But I'll tell you if you mix the two together It's pretty delicious potatoes. Yeah. No, we're not talking about mashed potatoes. But I'll tell you, if you mix the two together, it's pretty delicious. Cream pie for dessert. Talking about those fucking crinkle cruts. Crinkle cruts. Crinkle cruts.

Alright, Maddie. So, the guys don't want to go down on you. Are you, does that start resentment? Do you start not giving them oral pleasure? No. It's so fucked up I do the opposite. I do more. Usually. Now I'm actually in a stable relationship.

That was just kind of something I can't do. I can actually tell that you do it a lot because the choker around your neck is about to break. Your neck muscles are reaching a whole new level. I have an Irish neck. What's an Irish neck. What's that? Joe Rogan's toe.

What's an Irish neck? I need to. Irish people have thick necks? Yeah. Yeah, we're meant to, like, carry potatoes. Yeah. Oh, I see what you did there. Carry the load, if you know what I mean.

Fun fact, both kinds of potatoes come from sacks. So, Maddie, what do you do for work? I'm an admin, so I just kind of file and do travel for other people. It's really exciting. Do travel for other people. Yeah, for other people. Man, just fucking putting out and not receiving at work as well. Yeah, exactly.

No, yeah, for sure. Does the Rolling Stones logo turn you on? Absolutely. Who doesn't? Yeah. Where are you from? I'm from El Segundo. Where?

El Segundo. El Segundo. It's right next to Manhattan Beach. Some people, yeah. It's okay. I left my wallet there. It's not a big deal. It's a really small town. It's like a to Manhattan Beach. Some of you, yeah. It's okay. I left my wallet there. It's not a big deal.

It's a really small town. It's like a Mayberry right outside of Los Angeles. LAX. You live by yourself? Huh? You live by yourself? Yeah. Yeah, I support myself.

Fuck bitches get money. How long have you been making that sweet, sweet admin money? About a year now. About a year. What did you do before that i um let's see before that i worked in cancer actually so sorry to be a bummer but i was like the upper for cancer they were like i got cancer i was like that sucks but we could talk about treatments wow yeah you were the upper that's your version of being the upper we can talk about treatments did you ever tell them that eating your pussy

would cure their cancer the upside of cancer is at least the boys die young man if eating pussy cured cancer we would be in heaven This would be paradise If you went to the doctor

I'm cancer free What would be the dosage on that though? How much pussy would you have to eat? I'm not a doctor I've always heard a teaspoon of pussy makes the medicine go down. Maddie, what do you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything?

I'm in a band. Really? What kind of band are you in? I'm in a 70s rock band. Not in the 70s, but we emulate 70s music. Wow. I'm the lead singer. Wow.

That's my bandmate over there. I brought her. Hey, look at that. What instrument do you play? Just my voice. Just my voice. What does she play? Oh, she plays keyboard.

Wow, look at that. Brian's engines are revved at the sweet sound of a keyboard. He has a weird keyboard. What's the name of the band? No One Leaves. Except Chuck. Chuck left. So we're in between names right now.

Wait, what? Wait, what? Chuck was in your band? Yeah, there was a guy named Chuck in the band, but he left. He left, No One Leaves. That was the guy that... That's hilarious. Jesus. Do you talk about that as a joke you know it's hard

to do the setup for him because he's like a 60 year old and he like dipped out because a gig he was too good for a gig and i was like you're 60 like was this gig eating your pussy yeah did he go down on you fuck no he was not a pussy eater maybe his own but like no he was not a pussy eater. Maybe his own, but like, no. He was not a pussy eater. So the name specifically was you guys got together one night, and you're like, we're starting this thing, and no one leaves ever. Yeah, yeah. That was always our sign-off before gigs, too. We were like, no one leaves.

What was the gig that he was too good for? It was at St. Rock in Hermosa Beach, and he said that it was like around Christmas time, and he's like, I was too good for? It was at St. Rock in Hermosa Beach, and he said that it was around Christmas time, and he's like, I'm too good for Christmas music. Oh, my God. Either that or maybe he's Santa Claus. Oh, fuck. Sorry, busy around Christmas time.

Anyway, not going to make it. 60-year-old guy. Whoopsie. Totally not Santa Claus. See you January whatever. On Donner, on Blitzoon. I'm actually born on Christmas. Have you thought about changing it?

Jesus Christ. Have you thought about changing the name of your band to Someone Left? Or how about One Left? How about One Left? One Left, because it can mean two things. There you go. Wow. Do you want to give us, is it can mean two things. There you go. Wow.

Do you want to give us, would you be, is it too much to ask for maybe one chorus line from your song? Oh, yeah, sure, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, the sweet styles of Maddie Stocks. Thank you. No one leave. I'm just asking no one to leave during this. No one leave. If you guys could please stay.

I'll do a bit from Whipping Post by the Allman Brothers. Sure. Okay. I've been run down and I've been lied to and I don't know why I let that mean man make me out a fool.

He took all my money. He wrecked me. Oh, Red Band didn't allow it. He said you sound like the type of girl that needs to get your pussy eaten more. All right, well, it was nice to meet you. There she goes, Maddie Stocks, ladies and gentlemen. She's on Twitter at Redhead Comic. Redhead Comic on Twitter.

So if you follow Redhead Comic, it's not Louis C.K. It's Maddie Stocks. Anyway, you guys having fun out there? A real live episode of the number one live podcast in the world. Uh-oh. This looks like a new name.

Put your hands together for Angel McGuez. McGuez. Angel McGuez. Here he comes. Can you strip on this while I talk real quick? So. Bitch. You fucking bitch.

This girl left me. Well, we were never together. We met at a bar, but I was too drunk, and I didn't know that we met. Until like two months later, because I saw her on my... Fuck. It's kind of trippy, because Duncan Truss is my favorite person in the world, you know? But I saw her on my... You should know her.

And then I ended up following her. Fuck. Dude, I got an idea. Let's start a team act where I sit on stage next to you and this is what we do for 15 minutes. It'll be fucking amazing. I'm down with that because I kind of want to join

the cult with whatever you started and shit. Come on home. Come on home? Come on home. Alright, Angel. It's okay. Angel Miguez. All right.

So let's just jump right into it. What happened there? Yo, I got faded, and I didn't even think my name was going to get called out and shit, yo. I'm faded, too. Did you get high before you signed up or after you signed up? Or both? Wait, like all day and shit. Angel, I've never really talked to anybody so stoned that it sounds like they're about to cry.

No, yo. Do you know that? I'm nervous. I'm just fucking nervous, dude. You're cracking up, dude. You're breaking right now. You're stoned. I know it's your first time. There's hundreds of thousands of people listening and watching. David Arquette, your favorite human, Duncan Trussell. You have fucking real life female cougars behind you.

For the audio listeners, his eyes look like they're having a period right now. Yeah, he looks like he just had a run in with Oscar De La Hoya before the show. You are swollen up, sir. Angel, what did you get high on? Some fucking weed that I got.

I don't know. What did you smoke it out? Some fucking weed that I got. I don't know. What did you smoke it out of? A piece of bong. A pizza bong? No, a piece and a bong. A piece and a bong. A water bong. You have that at your place? In my car. Water bong.

It's in my car. It's in your car. We're getting somewhere. Motherfucker has a water bong in his car. That's a thousand points for me finding that out, by the way. Wait, wait, wait. Who calls it a water bong, Dad? I don't know, right?

What are you talking about? It's just called a bong. Who calls it a water bong? Sure. Are there other bongs, like sand bongs? But it's a fucking mud bong. He said water bong. Nobody has a water bong in their car.

No, you used to have to say water pipe because you couldn't say bong in head shops. They throw you out of the show. But dude, I have actually used a mashed potato bong before. A cum bong. The old cum bong. These all sound like racial slurs, by the way. Sand bong, water bong.

What kind of car do you have that you keep a bong in it? Nothing made after the year 2003, right? A Honda hatchback. What is it? Honda Civic stolen. It's a 2001. 2001, thank you. Again, questioning me.

But it's only because I couldn't bring my 1987 Nissan Max in my wagon. I don't understand anything you're saying. What do you do for work, Angel? I'm a forklift driver. A full-time driver? Forklift. I love you always laugh at me like I'm the idiot for not understanding.

No, I laugh because I know you didn't understand me. Hell yeah, dude. Forklift driver. Something, a great, great job for someone that I've never seen more incapacitated on this show in my entire life. They definitely don't drug test for that job, huh? Do you keep the water bong in the forklift?

You're good at working with heavy machinery. I make it Maddie Stocks back up here to get her pussy, you know what I mean? Oh, is it too soon for that? Dude, I feel like I'm sitting next to the person who just invented Nutella. That's a great invention, man. A forklift with a water

pipe in it where you can just smoke weed and fucking carry heavy things all day long around people. It's not an invention if it's two things that already exist. Is that true? Can I say something? Yeah, go ahead.

So, you know, man, I'm going to put myself on the line here and say, and not just because you seem to want to join my family. We don't like the word cult. It's more of a synergy between beings who want to spread love in the world. But I would say this, man. I think you're funny. And I think what happened is there's a saying in Tantra. Once you come and join us and we explain more about sex magic to you,

you'll understand this better. But there's a saying in Tantra because we believe we can use psychoactive chemicals as a way to focus our energies but there's a saying which is that either you smoke the weed or the weed smokes you so you must learn to harness

the power of the medicine and use it on stage. You just haven't gotten there yet, but we can teach you. Angel, question. What part of 45 minutes outside of L.A. do you live in? Sun Valley. What?

Sun Valley. Thank you. Still got it. All? Sun Valley. Thank you. Still got it. All right, Angel. What are some things that you do for fun? You seem like an interesting guy. When you're not doing stand-up and you're not operating heavy machinery, what do you do for fun?

I'm never really doing stand-up, honestly. This is your first time doing stand-up? Yeah, dude. You didn't fucking see me fucking... Perhaps one of my favorite answers to that question ever. This is your first time? Yeah, dude, you didn't see what I just did, dude? It's fucking terrible, dude. You're fucking stupid, eh? Holy shit, if that was my second time, I'd? Yeah, dude. You didn't see what I just did, dude? It's fucking terrible, dude.

You're fucking stupid, eh? Holy shit. If that was my second time, I'd kill myself, dog. Definitely the first time, dude. I'll never do that bad again. Wow. Fuck yeah, Angel. So it's your first time ever doing stand-up.

So what else have you been doing with your life? Shit, trying to figure it out. Yeah, but what do you do for fun? You and your buddies ever do anything? You hang out with a cool crew of people that you grew up with or something like that? Yeah, but I'm trying to stay away from all of them. Yeah, it's trouble. I spend too much money.

You ever date an older woman? Would it be weird if I said yes? Not at all. Would it be weird if I said yes? Not at all. So, if you guys don't mind, this is like an audience participation we can do. Just understand, Angel is super high right now.

He thinks I might be a cult leader. And so, that's how high he is. He kind of feels like a magnetic pull, like he's known me forever, and he feels like he's being drawn into something he'll never get out of. I watched every Joe Rogan episode that you were on. Yeah, so one thing I'd like all... I'd love all...

Well, he didn't watch it. He listened to it with his eyes sealed shut. But one thing I'd like all of us to do, because we all know who we are, you're all part of my family, and we're here to induct him into the cult that we've been drawing him into for years. And one thing I'd like for us all to do just for a moment

is intone the sacred OM in his direction and fill him with the knowledge of the universe. Would you guys do that for one second? Here we go. No sound effects. Okay, so on the count of three, let's do it. One, two, three. Oh.

I think we're sobering him up. Tony, he thinks OM is short for Orale Holmes. Alright, Angel. Is this something that you've always wanted to do? Stand-up comedy? When did you get the idea to do this? Two years ago, wanted to do? Stand-up comedy? When did you get the idea to do this? Two years ago.

Listening to Joey Cogadilla's Honesty. Yeah. And then two years later, here you are, finally putting the dream stack. Yeah, for my first time, putting my name in the bucket, too. Wow. Look at that.

Weird, dog. That's God. It's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. That's God. I fucking ate a big dick, didn't I? Who knows? I'll eat your big dick.

Woo! I'm going to beat the fucking bar leader. Hey, man, listen, listen. You got to understand. We have to be destroyed to be re-assimilated. The beauty, death is required for resurrection, my friend. And this is an act of God, the synchronicity here, that it just so happens this is your first time doing stand-up comedy.

This is a miracle. You're living in a miracle right now. It's true. Take that. And you know what, Angel? I've never done this before for somebody who just had their first time doing stand-up comedy, but I'm going to get you a meeting with an agent. Unfortunately, it's an ice agent.

So, dumb. They just took my mom. What do you mean, dude? I hope you're kidding, dude. Tony, that's fucked up because they really just took my mom. Really? No. Dude! Angel Miguez

I'm gonna let you get out of here on that big laugh Angel Miguez there he goes everybody fuck yeah got me fooled me there at the end Made me think his fucking mom got deported No just kidding man

No man I just joke about the fucking meanest possible shit I could I don't really believe in putting out energies And all that shit Nothing bad's gonna happen Tony When you say he drives a forklift He means he washes dishes and sometimes he lifts forks?

Could be. All right, that's a stretch. Well. All right. Well. Fucking keep dropping pieces of paper. What are you doing in there? It's like fighting me.

You're fisting that pumpkin. I'm hooked on it. Just a little deeper. All right. Man, these dirty c pumpkin. Just a little deeper. Alright. Man, these dirty cougars up here. Jesus, Jeremiah. Look at that. I love that hair. What is that? Post-head trauma JonBenet Ramsey? What the fuck is that?

That's Shibo hair. I enjoyed you as a little boy in Stranger Things, Tony. Oh, wow. Jeremiah clearly sitting on a joke for a few weeks. He really had different expectations. Yeah, because you wear a denim jacket every week. Oh, I don't watch Stranger Things.

I like this whole career thing that I have going on. Oh, because, yeah, you can't watch anything in pop culture and have a career. Cool. Jeremiah is on the offensive tonight. Really has the fury. He's not tucking a... Alright, forget it.

Yeah, pull that name in the bucket. You're not a tranny, so I can't make tranny jokes. You're a cougar. Transgender. Alright, Jeremiah. Very good. Put your hands together for Andrea Moore. I am 24 years old, but I look like I could still be kidnapped at any point in time.

And I think the reason why it hasn't quite happened for me yet is because I look like a very high-maintenance 14-year-old. The kidnapper takes one look at me, and they're like, this is way above my pay grade. Part of it is because I'm just five feet tall, and one time I was on a date with a guy, and he was like, you know, guys really dig short girls. And I was like, oh yeah, why's that?

And he was like, they're just really fun to throw around. And I was like, have you ever considered buying a ball? I like to think of my body as a temple because the MRI found 150 small Jews in my abdomen reading Jewish texts. Andrea Moore. Hello. Hi. Hi, Andrea.

Hi. You did so great, honey. Thank you so much. It's your first time on the show, right? Yeah. Awesome performance. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years.

Wow, all here in L.A.? Mm-hmm. Is this where you're from? No, I grew up in the Bay Area. Oh, did you do comedy up there for a little bit? Nope, all here in L.A.? Mm-hmm. Is this where you're from? No, I grew up in the Bay Area. Oh, did you do comedy up there for a little bit? Nope, started here. Wow. No, she started here, Tony.

She's obviously our daughter. Good one. It's like little Esther's publicist. Yeah, like an Armenian girl doll. I'm Jewish, but... Perfect. Andrea Moore. So you've been doing it a couple years.

You're on this show. What do you do for work? I'm a nanny for like the 1%, I guess. Wow. David's right here. How old are the boys you watch? They are 5 and 10 Where am I supposed to look?

Usually you look at the person talking That's how usually it works Still learning these social cues But you can really do anything you want One time we had a guy in Dallas That was on this show that would turn around And listen to the question And then face the audience and answer it.

It was pretty amazing. Andrea, what's the weirdest thing you've ever done that no one knows about? I shot in my car once in Colorado. Fuck yeah. Wow. Rocky Road, literally. Wait, what? You what in your car?

Shit in your car? It was just coming and I used to... It was coming, or as we call it, potatoing. Yeah, yeah. But, like, so truly, like, you think that's weird to shit in your car? Well... Yeah, that's called Tuesday, honey. I gotta stop shitting in my car, man.

I guess it depends where in the car that you shit. Like if you shit in your pants, that's one thing. If you shit in your cup holder in the middle area, you know, that's a whole different thing. Where did you shit in your car? Okay, so I used to foster dogs and I had these pee pads, you know, for accidents. And I still had some in my car. And when I felt it coming, I shat on that. So the cleanup process was very easy, actually.

So did you pull over on the side of the road? Yeah, I pulled over into, like, a storage space. Why didn't you just shit outside, though? Because there was, like, traffic. It was, like, one of those things where it's like, are you a highway? God, I can't believe my daughter didn't shit outside. Have you guys ever heard of froshing?

Do you know what froshing is? No, tell me. So this is like something that race car... It's like a fetish for race car drivers. Okay. But one of the things, like one of the best feelings is when you hit 140 miles per hour, you shit yourself.

Wow. It's called froshing. It's like a big thing. That's like a huge fetish. Like if you see someone speeding by, more than likely they're about to froshing. It's like a big thing. That's like a huge fetish. Like if you see someone speeding by, more than likely they're about to frosh. It's like a fucking. Wow. It's true.

Yeah. But they don't have the pee pads like I did. So let me get the picture correct here. So you pull over at a little storage unit place. You're still sitting in the front seat. You grab the puppy pads. You pull down your pants. You put a puppy pad underneath you sitting on the driver's seat.

You let it rip. You sort of wipe your butt probably with another part of the puppy pad that wasn't used. And then you ball it up and what do you do then? Throw it out the window? Bark? I looked for a dumpster or a trash can. I wasn't going to just... But there was none. This story is gross. But there was none. This story is gross.

But there was none, so. It's the only time I've ever shat. Was it a solid one or did you just blow it up? Wait a second. You've never pooped before that? Not in a car. Not in a Prius.

Oh. Yeah. I thought you were great. I thought you were so funny. Thank you. Your energy's so solid and real. I just wish you had more time. That's all.

I was bummed that the time ran out. Thank you so much. So fun. What else are you into? What interests you in life? If you had the Andrea Moore show five years from now, what do you picture that being like? Five years from now.

Man, I don't have a good answer to this. I don't know. Doing stand to this. I don't know. Doing stand-up, I love stand-up. It's hard doing it in LA. Like, the way I think about it is I feel like doing stand-up in LA

is like being gay 20 years ago. Like, people are like, oh, it's fine if you want to do that. I just, I don't want to see it. Yeah, I remember. It was a very tough time for me.

I see a nanny reboot. Come on. Okay. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Fran Drescher nanny reboot. Come on. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Fran Drescher, if she was less Jewish. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't watch it, but I'm happy to be in it. That's what I'm saying.

What do you think is the most important thing you've learned from nannying? I think that kids have too much, like there's too much back and forth. When you say that, you're talking about shaking a baby, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It should just be one movement. Like a quick neck snap? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're right. What is this doing?

Because you save energy. Like when you come home after a day of shaking babies, your arms are so fucking sore. I hate that feeling. Honey, I saw our nanny on a podcast. I was listening. And do you know what she does to the baby?

Oh, my God. You're right. One time I saw the dad of the kids I babysit at an open mic for some reason because it was like a restaurant. So he was just there trying to enjoy his dinner. And when he saw me go up, he went like this. He covered his eyes. How long have you been nannying for? A year and a half.

Have any of the dads ever been like, Andrea, I'll be down in my office if, you know, like one of those things? No, and I'm like, why? Why not? Perfect time for. What's wrong with me that I haven't had that happen? They don't. Do you want it to happen?

No, but I feel like the fact that it hasn't is a strong... Would you go for it, though? No, I would pull the, like, oh, I can't. That's like me in Scientology. They just don't want me. I don't know what it is. I'm like, hello, our cat's over here. Nothing.

I like... I like telling your stand-up that you would deliver a line and then you would stay in it. You'd finish the line and then you'd be like, wait for laugh. And you wouldn't break. You'd stay in it. Sort of like how I always stay in it whenever I'm faking an orgasm thank you

that's my slut Patty Reagan do you when you're writing jokes are there jokes you're afraid to tell that you write yeah well there's one generally no there's one. I mean, generally, no. There's one joke that I recently came up with about the NRA.

And I'm going to Denver to do some shows in May, and I'm like, I don't think they'll like it. Uh-oh, Colorado. Time to shit again. Pure, pure, pure. Drink some puppy piss. Yeah. I wonder if it's still there. It's called Red Rocks now.

It's probably framed on someone's wall. They're like, oh man, wow, a fucking shit napkin. Let's frame it. Yeah, I hope. Human shit. It's the big people who are into froshing. They like to frame shit. It's a big people who are into froshing. They like to frame shit. It's a longer story.

But what do you think is the, like, how would you describe that feeling of being afraid to tell a joke because of the audience? Would you call that cowardice, or do you think that's what? Well, no, because I will tell it. I plan on telling it. But I'm more curious how they're going to respond. But I mean philosophically. Oh, yeah. What I mean is, do you think it's cowardly to not tell a joke in front of an audience that you know won't get it?

Or is it indulgent to tell a joke in front of an audience that you know won't get it? I just sometimes always wonder in my own mind, is it cowardice to tell a joke in front of an audience that you know won't get it i just sometimes i always wonder in my own mind is it cowardice to not do it or is it indulgence to do it because these people paid money for tickets and you know like one idea people say with comedy is that the moment you try transforming your comedy for the audience you become a hack you know what i mean so i always like wonder about that weird balance of like, I don't know, what do you think? Well, I feel like because I've only been doing comedy two years, my answer could very well change in a year. But I think right now, if you think the joke is good and important, you should tell it.

But if it's just not going to be understood or appreciated, why are you wasting your time and the audience's time? You close with your mom and dad? My mom, yes. My dad-ish. Huh. What does he do? He doesn't work. Oh.

Yeah, yeah. Retired? Yeah. Wow. What did he used to do? No one really knows. We think he might have been in the Israeli secret service. Cool Dad!

Maybe. Yeah, or just really severe Asperger's. No one knows. Wow. All right, Andrew. I used to have a retired brother. We locked him in the shed. Well, Andrew, it was nice to meet you.

Thanks for coming on the show. Our first time on the show, Andrea Moore. She's on Twitter at more underscore or less. M-O-R-E. More underscore or less. A lot of fun names in the bucket tonight. I saw Aphrodite earlier. There she is. I saw Malcolm fun names in the bucket tonight. Saw Aphrodite earlier. There she is. The famous

Malcolm Hatchet is here. Freaky. Hilarious motherfucker. Anything can happen. This is a new name. Put your hands together for Michael Kragny. Kragny. Here he comes.

Michael Kragny. Ah, who knows what PDP stands for? None of you, good. That means none of you have been to the prostitution diversion program that they hold over in Van Nuys. Yeah, I have. And you pay $600 to never talk about it again. Unless you're the one comedian in the room of 4,000 where you're like, I want to talk about this. Is that okay? So yeah, the prostitute got me, well, the undercover, she was in a denim skirt. I should have known, no self-respecting prostitutes can be wearing a denim skirt, guys, just for your knowledge. Should have known no self-respecting prostitutes are going to be wearing a denim skirt, guys,

just for your knowledge. I thought it was going to be something where, like, Hitch was going to be there and teach us how to talk to regular girls and not have to pay for prostitutes. No, it's just them telling us basically what you learned in sixth grade sexual education class. You know, herpes are bad. Don't get them.

If you have them, you know, don't pay the women who already have them. They already have it. They want to give it to somebody who doesn't have them. It's a sob story, guys. Yeah, so that came just right in time. Fuck yeah. Actually, it came about a minute after I wanted it to.

No, I'm kidding, Michael. True words, true words. I'm so confused, Tony. I'm confused, too, because when he came up here, I'm kidding, Michael. True words, true words. I'm so confused, Tony. I'm confused, too, because when he came up here, I thought he looked like a bad magician, and now I think he just looks like a bad comedian. No, I'm kidding, Michael. Everything's okay. Sorry, I can't help myself.

It's fair, it's fair. Tony, did you say there were 4,000 people in this room? I couldn't quite even, while listening, really hear. Did you say 4,000? I did. 4,000 went through the program, they told us. I had 120 in the room with me that fine Saturday.

What is this thing you're talking about? I have no idea what you're talking about. I go very fast. If you get popped by an undercover agent... You probably need to say that part because you're trying to fix the unfixable right now, sir. I know, but so you got... There is no... No, wait, wait, wait.

Not unfixable. Oh, no. This is not unfixable. So you got busted at a massage parlor? No, no, no, no, no. I was right on the street, Van Nuys Boulevard. You were trying to get a prostitute. I was.

Okay. So in front of the original room, there's a thing Mitzi had put up there about the open mic that says not for three minutes to be funny, but for three minutes to be yourself. That's what I'm doing. The thing you're doing is you're orbiting around yourself

by doing like, how many of you guys have done this? The truth is you like to fuck prostitutes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, don't know us, Michael. Do not deny. Just likes to pick them up and give them for a ride. Hold on, hold on.

I'm on the right track on this. And don't no, no, no, Michael, because not only do you like to fuck prostitutes, it's one level higher. You wanted to fuck a dirty street hooker. I mean, there is just nothing more wrong and fucking diabolical than that. I mean, it's wrong on so many levels. It's so easy to find someone to fuck now, especially to find someone to pay to fuck.

It's unbelievable. You have the internet, right? Yeah. Or did they not let you use it anymore after whatever shit you were into? Dude, here's what you got to fuck. It's unbelievable. You have the internet, right? Or did they not let you use it anymore after whatever shit you were into? Here's what you gotta do. You have to become the guy that was driving

down the street in your car in this embarrassing, feverish, horny state looking for the prostitute on stage. You're like the guy talking about the prostitute on stage. Not a guy. You're like the guy talking about the guy who did that, but you're the

guy who did it. You know what I mean? You gotta cross that weird force field between the guy talking about the guy and the guy that you really are, which is a man that loves to give money to prostitutes and then to

look down at their fucking mouths on your throat. Mouths. I'm sorry. I used to pick up two-headed prostitutes. I know a good street. But the point is, that's you, man. You're that guy, right? Are you still that guy? Well, no.

I'm on probation for a year. I can't be at least for a year. Okay, Michael. So'm on probation for a year. I can't pee at least for a year. Okay, Michael. So let's talk about it. What kind of car were you driving that night? Is probation a step up from masturbation? What? I'm sorry? Nope.

Michael over here. Jesus fucking Christ. What kind of car? A lot going on. A lot going on. What kind of car were you driving that night? It's a Ford C-Max. Wait, what?

Yeah, it's a very economical... The preferred ride of people picking up street meat. I fucking love it. Look, it gets 600 miles per tank, and I have not a lot of money. Tony, he said there was 4,000 comedians in this room. Was it an undercover cop that busted you? Yeah, yeah.

Was the person walking the street the undercover cop? Correct. Wow. Did you still have sex with them, or did they bust you before? No, no. She kept telling me to go around the block, and I went around the block. No one was there, and I was like, hey, what was happening? She's like, just go back again. And then they busted me.

That's the true meaning of cock block is when they tell you to go around the block. How many times have you been busted for sex crimes before? First time. First time offender. That's why you go through the program. Are you considered a registered sex offender now? No, no. How many times have you tried to hook up with a street prostitute?

How many times have you been successful at ballpark? 40? Well, I mean, if we're counting, 60. 60? 60 times? 6-0. In my lifetime? How old do you think I am, Tony?

If I had to guess, you're not a year older than 54. Good guess. What are you? 35. Oh, okie dokie. I'm sorry. Wait, wait, wait. You picked up 60 prostitutes and you're 35.

So, yeah, I'm ballparking. How many is that a year? I'm ballparking. Massage parlors count, right? Yeah, sure. Okay, then 60 easy. I have a question. So look, man.

Here's the thing. Talk to me. You have to become this guy. I'm this guy. I don't know what you're becoming. I'm this guy. I have a question. You want to not become this guy?

You want to stop being this guy? Don't listen to him. Trust me. Or you need a girlfriend experience listen that's how my price league david that's out of my price league listen let me tell you the best feeling ever is to like right after getting jerked off at a massage parlor to go hang gliding over the ocean and just like the feeling of knowing that more than likely you supported fucking sex trafficking you monster what are you doing man michael tell me your age again 35 35 you right now uh march 15th will be my birthday march 15th you're gonna be 35 so you're

technically you're 34 right now. Yeah. What happened to you? Well, where do I start, Tony? How are you 34? I think, you know what, I have to say, I take offense. Sex workers are okay. We are hung up about sex here. You're not an evil man at all.

That part of you is an evil probably. But my guess would be that more than likely you've murdered a few people i won't give out that number you got to talk about that man get to the thing about like how i got here no how you fucking killed the first person you ever killed you need to talk about that on stage the feeling of looking down at them as their life left their body that's a killer joke. Let me ask you a question, Michael. When you pulled up to that cop that night, Van Nuys Boulevard, how much money did you have on you?

60 bucks. What were you planning on getting for 60 bucks? Just a nice, easy blowie. Just a blowie. Oh, he calls it a blowie. A blowie. What do you call it? I have a question. Mouth sex.

Why did you go with a street prostitute instead of just a massage parlor? Because a street prostitute, they smell because they're walking around. You know, that's gross. It's just strange, man. I've been to all the other massage parlors. She was new, clearly. I hadn't run into her before because she was with the 5-0.

And he loves licking cum out of their pussy I feel I feel Yo Jeremiah no I feel like this guy looks like Red Band should look Alright Fuck yeah

Michael what is the craziest thing that you've done that you didn't get in trouble for that nobody knows about? So it started when I was young, when my parents would take me out on family vacations. I like to shit in the curtains in the hallway at the hotel. Why? Because somebody's got to clean it up. It's not me.

And I like to think literally like... You're a dick. Yeah. Let's go back to. I'm an asshole. Have you ever tried froshing? Don't do that. Frosh and do that, but don't beat yourself up.

That's the worst thing you could do. Put a curtain on your car seat. You're going to cum so hard. Did you think it would be worse? No, I think that's just what you decided to tell us. Do you really do that or are you just trying to be funny? I'm in hiatus now, but I've done that. Why would I lie to you about that?

Hiatus. Judging by the smell, that jacket used to be white. Michael, are you in love? Have you found a girlfriend? Are you even into going steady with anybody? Because you seem like the kind of guy to me that, you know, it seems like you're into some fucking dirty, creepy shit.

Really? What makes you think that? I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that he looks like Steve Bannon if somebody squoze his head together right at the top. No? Nothing? I'm divorced. I'm divorced. You are divorced. How long has it been since you've been divorced? Six years. Wow. Did you let her

get half of the last prostitute that six years. What happened there? You cheated on her. I did not actually. That was the reason why she thought it was happening. I used to distribute alcohol. I took one of our bartenders from a strip club to a nicer place where she

wanted to bartend. She followed me home on camera is what the guy saw, so they told the people. It's a long story, but I was accused of having sex with this girl. Liar. I'm not lying about this shit. Wow. You just told us this shit.

Why would I lie about this? If you got time, I'll explain it all to you. Hey, I'm sorry. Can you excuse me for a second? I got to go jerk off. All right, Michael. Well,

I'm very intrigued by you. How long have you been teaching bass to high schoolers? After you had sex with your first prostitute, is that when the goatee formed?

Did I ask you, have I asked you already what you do for work? No. No? What do you do for a living? I drive for Lyft. Wow, super creepy. Hopefully still after this. Wow, ringing endorsement for Lyft.

Literally anybody can drive for Lyft. Anybody, anybody. Sell your fees $60 or... What? David Arquette. Michael Cratchney. I have a question for David Arquette. Would you ever make me scream?

Hey. I think you should deputy do it. Would you ever make me scream? Hey. I think you should deputy do it. You know what I'm saying? Oh, shit. I want him to make me scream, too. Oh, shit. You guys are too funny. All right, Michael. Well, I feel like there's still a lot of interesting stuff

that we didn't find out about you. Like what's underneath your floorboards and what are you keeping that barrel that you got from Home Depot three years ago? It's a good story. If his favorite show on Comedy Central is Frosh.0. I'll come back and tell you more. I love this show.

I bet you do. And I'm from Cleveland I don't know You're from Ohio I don't know where exactly I'm from Youngstown That's the part where We don't try to pick up street hookers Yeah

Yeah That's where they come from Alright Michael There he goes Michael Karajani's first time on the show Silent J. Karajani Michael, there he goes. Michael Krageney's first time on the show. Silent J. Krageney. K-R-A-G-E-N-E-Y.

That's an interesting one. That is the oldest looking 34-year-old I've ever seen in my fucking life. I mean, he looks like he has lived a life with many more demons than we found out about here today. Chlamydia face. I mean, who ages like that? I've only heard that from kids out of Crash Test Dummies videos in the 90s and shit. Once there was this kid who looked 34, bud. All right.

Put your hands together for Antoine Amtella. Antoine. Antione. Antonio Amtella. Antoine. Antione. Antonio Amtella. Antonio Antoine. Antonio, here he comes. Antonio Amtella, ladies and gentlemen. Antonio Montello.

Fuck yeah. Bad handwriting. One more time for him. My friend Malcolm wrote it, but craziest thing happened last night, you guys. I went to my dad's house, and I have a good relationship with my dad, and I got high with my dad. And I was like, hey, yo, dad, where can I smoke? And he was like, smoke what? I was like, well, you know mom raised me right.

I don't smoke cigarettes. I smoke meth. And I have an addictive personality. My friends know it. And, like, I can't say no. My friends will be like, hey, yo, Antonio, dude, let's go in the bathroom and do some coke. I'm like, mmm, nice, man. Yo, let's go. And, like, I'm afraid, like, because I don't know what I'm going to get addicted to next. I don't know if I'm going to get addicted to meth or heroin or Game of Thrones.

It's awful. I smoke weed while I drive, too. And I forget how things work. And I'll pull up to a stop sign, and I'm kind of there for like just 20 minutes and I'm like man when does this stop sign want to turn green Antonio Montella

am I saying that right? Montello I want to make sure I get that right when I tell you how terrible that was. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It wasn't that bad. I'm just joking. I just think it's funny when people correct me. Your handwriting is really bad. You know this, right?

What happened to you when you were writing your own name down out there earlier? My friend Malcolm actually wrote it for me when he put it in the bucket because I was on my way here. Malcolm Hatchet? God damn. Fucking superstar. I love you, Malcolm. Antonio, what's your story, dude? What do you do? You seem like you come from a well-to-do family, right?

Not at all. Not at all. Really? What do your parents do? My mom was a nurse and my dad owned a business. I don't know. We didn't do well. We lived in a studio, and me and my sister and her shared a mattress. My dad made decent money but didn't help us, and he didn't pay his child support to my mom.

Well, I feel like this room needed a spritz of lemon water after that last guy, and then you weren't it. That's harsh. That's harsh. I'm sorry. I'll look for cast of characters on this show tonight. You, your mom, your sister all lived in a studio. One mattress for the three of you. Yeah, for a while.

Wow. Where was this studio at? You talk about that on stage? Sometimes, man. How do you feel right now? Is that real? No, that was fake because of the music. Oh, okay.

I see. That was good. I was actually convinced. It was somewhere between not funny and bad acting. I didn't know which one it was. I was convinced. Hey, I'm really good at that. Wow.

On the positive side, you're friends with Malcolm. So did you guys bond over fashion? Or what? How did you guys get together? We were just, I don't know. We went to the Laugh Factory audition, and we met outside there. And we were just kind of just talking shit to each other. Malcolm's the man.

Antonio, what do you do for work? I'm a bartender. How long have you been doing stand-up? Six months. Six months. Where are you bartending at? HQ Gastropub. Yum.

Fuck, yeah. How long have you been bartending? Like a year, and then I was serving before that and bussing before that. Yeah, at the same place? No. No, where were you waiting and busing before? I worked at the 6th, Bucca di Beppo, Ruby's Diner. When you're not doing stand-up, what else do you do for fun, for activities, hobbies, during the day, at night, anything?

You ever go out with your buddies? Yeah, I go out with my friends. What do you guys do? We go out on like a... Like a typical night, like the most recent night that you went out. When was that? Friday, Saturday? It was actually a Tuesday.

My friend was leaving to Thailand, so we went to Dirty Laundry. Yeah, we just went to Dirty Laundry. What's Dirty Laundry? It's a little bar in Hollywood. It's the stuff before clean laundry. Okay, you are adorable. You're the first guy whose dick I would

suck tonight. Wow. Look at that. It's weird. Your stage presence when you're doing your material, it's like you're Marky Mark or something. But your normal conversation is completely different. You should try to be what you are right now.

That Marky Mark shit, it's so weird. Yeah, I just got nervous. This year's great. This year's great. This is one of the classic... I'll tell you, man, some of the best advice I got about the first year of comedy was from Freddy Soto, who told me

for the first year, don't even worry Soto, who told me, for the first year, don't even worry about being funny. Worry about getting comfortable on stage. So it sort of takes the pressure off you of having to be like fucking George Carlin or some killer comedian, and that way you're not going to be putting all that extra energy that you feel like you have to do.

And it's like, God damn it, I don't want to seem like a true comedy store cultist, but the idea of the comedy store, what Mitzi taught me is, it really is about becoming yourself on stage, which is incredibly difficult to do because the gravity up here is so weird. So the thing Red Band sang, man, that's a great analysis. It's like your presence when you're not doing jokes is the presence you need to figure out how to have when you're doing jokes.

That's really, really good advice. I appreciate that. Thank you. And then you don't need to go to hookers to find love. Oh, wait, wait, that was the other. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that. Do you have a girlfriend, Antonio? Me and my wife are kind of going through it. I got married at 19. We're kind of going through a divorce,

but I'm trying to get her back. Oh, you're trying to get her back. Wow. She live near you? Don't get her back. Come to mama. She's actually living in my place right now. Let her stay at my place. She's living at your place. Where are you staying?

I'm staying with a friend. She's staying at your place. Is it on one mattress? On the mattress with your sister and your mother. They're all licking each other's potatoes off of one another right now. What's the best thing that's happened to you lately? Like, have you had anything, like, amazing happen to you in the last year?

Anyway, so... Antonio. Let me ask you, Jeremiah? Just how old are the other boys in your friend group? All right, all right. Antonio over here. When you said that you've been trying to get your wife back lately, what have you been trying to do to get her back? Did you send her flowers?

So she just went back home right now. Where's home? Mexico. Oh, wow. Yeah, she's not coming back. I don't know if you know who our fucking president is right now, but it's the greatest of all time. Yeah.

Secure our fucking borders, bitch. I get every man I want, and I had to deport her. Wait, why do you want to get her back? Talk about that. Talk about that. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure there's a wall about to come between you and your love.

We need to build a wall. Hell yeah, there he is. Wait, wait, wait. They got tunnels, man. Who divorced who? She left me. So you're stalking her? No, no, no, no, I'm not stalking her. Because, okay, then

I won't give you the advice I was going to give you. Because you know one thing you could do and they love it. And this is truly a way to show a woman that you love her who has decided she doesn't love you I think I know what you're going to say sleep with a black chick? no send her

no Brian no Red Band you want to show a girl that's broken up with you that you really love her send her your ear in a box. That's true. They love it.

I don't think there's a box big enough for that. Postage is going to be a lot for you. You can't afford postage on that. That is a whole lot of ear. Oh, man. But they have boxes that it's one price, one size.

Spit take, Duncan. His wife's always like, you heard me. How long has she been in Mexico? A week. So what have you done to try to get her back? What are some of your methods to your madness? I didn't sleep with her, I swear. Nah, I admitted. I swear. Nah.

I admitted everything I did. Send her a raven. Train a raven to fly to Mexico with your ear in a box. What's the most romantic thing you've ever done for her since you married her? How old are you now? 23. 23. Oh, mama like.

So it's been four years of marriage. What's the most romantic? Your name is Antonio whatever the fuck. Montello. Sure, Antonio Nutella, whatever. So in four years of marrying this girl. First of all, how did you get married at 19? Is this your idea?

She's Mexican, dude. She was pregnant. She had to go back home and wouldn't be able to return for another year because of her visa. I was mad in love with her and I didn't want her to leave, so I was like, fuck it. I went and bought a ring and I proposed to her. Wow.

You're romantic. It's beautiful. Why are you guys getting a divorce? Well, I cheated. Right. God damn it, man. You know what? Don't send your ear in a box.

Send your dick in a box, and I think you'll be able to get her back. Who'd you cheat on, though? Who'd you cheat on? Wait, don't send your dick in a box. Send the dude you cheated on her with's dick in a box. Yeah. And tell her that it's your dick. And then she'll be double

surprised when you pull it out. Tell her, it didn't mean anything when I jacked it him up. Nothing, I swear. Yo, send the dick fucking your ear in a box! Yes! Because your ear could wrap around the dick like a cock ring, right?

She will love you so much, man. She will come back. Wait, you know what they say in Buddhism? Yeah, what do they say? They say, if you love a girl, send her your ear around a dick in a box. It's one of the fundamental core tenets of Buddhism. You can't van go wrong with that. There you go.

You got it. Joelberg is in the house. I have a question. Have you talked to her recently? Yeah, I talked to her today. Yeah, you got a phone card just for that? How did you guys talk? She said...

Go ahead. She said, I want her back in my life. I need to get treated. She said her psychologist thinks I have a sex problem. Oh, yeah? What's the most recent thing you've done? Go to a therapist. That's what I'm going to do.

Last time you had sex, was it with this girl? No. It wasn't, right? Go to the program that other guy did. Yeah, go to the program that guy went to. Buy a corduroy jacket. I'd follow whatever his lead. What's your sex problem?

Do you have a sex problem? What is it? He got married when he was 19. Let's just say this guy makes more potatoes than Boise, Duncan. Do you feel like you have a sex problem? No, I'm just horny a lot.

Dude, I don't have a sex problem. I'm just horny a lot. Like all the time. I'll fuck anything at any time. You know what they say in Buddhism? What do they say? They say where there is suffering, there is attachment. You ever heard that before? So like the problem is like you have an attachment problem. You know what I mean? You have a thing inside of you. It's a black vortex, like a black hole. You don't feel good in the day. You feel like you need something, right? And that's called fundamental dissatisfaction in Buddhism.

And so you're essentially trying to solve that problem by fucking as many people as you can. You're trying to fuck heal yourself. That's what you're trying to do. But do you know Buddha was the biggest fucking asshole? Nobody says that shit. This dude is like a prince. He's going to fucking inherit the fucking kingdom.

And he leaves his wife and child to go find Nirvana. Okay, thanks, Buddha. Thanks. When you come back and you fucking got the fucking kid here, you son of a... I don't know. They put him up on a pedestal. The fucking guy walked out on a pedestal. I've never heard this before.

Buddha left his wife and child. He didn't abandon his throne, if that's something. So wait, you're saying every guy who divorces their wife and child is an asshole? No. What's the divorce rate? You're saying 98% of men are assholes who've been married. I did that too, but I didn't. You're not an asshole!

You're such a sweet man. You have such great energy. You hear that, corduroy jacket man? Love him! Well, Antonio, Anthony or Antonio or whatever your delicious name is, I also have a sex problem

and I just, I hope that you get, I hope that, I believe that you love this girl, and I hope that you, I really do hope that you get back together. Fuck yeah. Oh, wow, there you go. Maybe you can give her the Pauly D, you know what I'm saying? A little something from our cougar friend. I sputtered out there, but I was thinking, like, yeah, I don't know. Let it go, man.

You really do, you have, like, yeah, I don't know. Let it go, man. You really do. You have, like, okay, fine. Okie dokie. Anyway, you just got to, like, I mean, you got to know when to end the joke, I guess, at some point. It's not a joke. What's the joke? Where's the joke? I mean, if you're just, like, I mean, if you're just waiting for the thing to move on, then you just got to let it go.

But it's not going to happen until you just. Exactly. You just gave him the advice. Let it go. But it's not gonna happen until you just... Exactly, you just gave him the advice. Let it go, it's not gonna happen, baby. Let me tell you this, Antonio, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and your wife's gonna know that when she tries to swim here.

And 80% of them have tight pussies. There's so many great fucking fish out there, man. And the best move to make, give up this thing with women, get out there in the ocean and move to make give up this thing with women get out there in the ocean and start fucking dolphins yeah there you go Antonio Montella everybody I just want to say Tony yeah young love only comes around very very very infrequently to people and if you really are in love at

a young age and you guys are willing to be together I mean that's how people used to get together was they were together when they were in love at a young age and you guys are willing to be together? I mean, that's how people used to get together was they were together when they were in love at a young age. I mean, if he takes that thong home, he's definitely not getting your back. Why did he just ask if you could keep the thong? What the fuck was that about? Well, Redbat, did you want it?

I love it when four people talk at once on this show. It's my favorite. I think everybody loves it. But yeah, I agree with you, Pat. Young's my favorite. I think everybody loves it. No, it's okay. But yeah, I agree with you, Pat. Young love is true. No, but you know what I'd like to do, Tony? I'd like to go fuck myself.

Thank you. Some words of wisdom from the assistant from Ghostbusters 1. Remember her? The one that dated... I feel bad for that guy man Why? Because you know how lonely and sad you're feeling

That you're on stage in the main room of the comedy store Talking about how you want your girlfriend back Your wife Dude that guy I don't feel sorry for him I've been here the whole time You guys want to go back to the bucket One last time huh? here the whole time. You guys want to go back to the bucket one last time, huh? Should we do it?

Meet one more person? Good. Because I already pulled a name out. This looks like another new name. Put your hands together for Kat Agason. Hey girl, I got something real important. Here we go. Coming over the booth, through the woods.

The grandmothers of the show. Make some noise for Kat Agasson, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, I'm Kat. I don't have any tattoos. Because you don't put stickers on a Ferrari. That's me. I have a friend, Lauren, that rides her boyfriend's shit all the time because he doesn't put pictures of her up on social media.

She's always stressing, like, why doesn't he tag me? And I'm like, Lauren, like, calm down. Men are simple. If he doesn't post pictures of you, it's because he's not proud of you. I never ask anyone what they do

ever. That's so L.A. What do you do? I don't ask, because if people want you to know, oh boy, will they ever tell you. Podcasts with more than like a couple guys on them, why? Like if I wanted to hear more than two men

talk over each other, I could go literally anywhere else. Like Kat Agason coming in crushing I remember you you've been on this show before and what was it that we found out

last time you were on there was something crazy right you your boyfriend both comedians or something like that? Something weird? No, completely incorrect. Really? She was a professional whiskey taster. Yeah, you...

I'm a Scotch master. It's like a sommelier, but for Scotch. My boyfriend's not a comedian. Was he a musician or something? No, he's a very serious... He makes documentaries. What kind of car is he? Oh? No, he's very serious. He makes documentaries. What kind of car is he?

Oh, okay, so he makes documentaries. Yeah, like a brand new blue Jag. One guess away, for those of you paying attention. Comedian, musician, filmmaker. Go. Could I just say to you, as one hateful woman to another, that you are the Ford Taurus of Ferraris. Thank you.

Thanks. that you are the Ford Taurus of Ferraris. Thank you. Thanks. Do you, like, that sounds like a challenge. Like, do you want to take off our clothes and see who's really got the Ferrari of female physique? I think we all want to see that.

I'm pretty sure for Jeremiah, we'd have to really forward focus to see what's under there. I think it's a really cool coincidence that the headliner actually ended up going up last by pulling names out of the bucket. You're fucking funny. That was great. That was great.

I just think you're amazing. It was really a pleasure to watch you do that. That's beautiful. I agree. Likewise, you guys all night. I agree. It was like watching Tina. Can I flip it and can I ask you guys some questions?

Oh, wow. Sure, this sounds interesting. Tony, were you as a little boy? Oh, here we go. This is not a good idea. Tony's still a little boy. Were you like the kid that just clowned on everyone, the teachers, the PE teachers, like everyone? You just made fun of them so much.

And everyone thought you were so cool because you were the comedic relief. Is this a question? Yeah, I'm asking you. You weren't a comedic late bloomer, right? As a kid, you were the one making fun of everyone? This is very good. Is this like a psychology test or something? I talked about it on numerous

podcasts. A bunch of dudes talking over each other. Like JRE and shit like that that gets hundreds A bunch of dudes talking over each other. Okay, so... Like JRE and shit like that that gets hundreds of millions of downloads. Tell me more. What? When did you lose your virginity? 14.

Can we change the name of this podcast to Dudes Talking Over Each Other? I'm just curious. Good questions. I can so envision you, just like the comic relief in my second grade class. Fuck yeah. And I like you too, Kat.

I mean, Brian, moving on. You remind me if like. Brian, okay. Yeah, you're right. That's you. But wait, not to talk over people, but Tony, didn't you tell me that when you were a kid, you spent three years in a cum barrel? Yeah.

Yeah, just a cum barrel. I've never seen any of that in my life. Tony also doesn't use cash. He uses credits. Okay, so Tony, I just want to say... You just named all the podcasts that you've been on. No, I didn't.

I was giving an example of how dudes talking over each other in JRE are two different things. Trust me, I'll think this is funny tomorrow, too. All right. What's your question for me? What's your question for me? It's not a question. It's more like a suggestion.

Oh, wow. I have a ton of those things. I want to dress you up in my love. I want to slap off your fitted. Okay. And I want to put you in form-fitting black cashmere. You're going to queer-eye me?

You're such a silver fox. Like you're a salt and pepper fox. Wow, Kat. Your 60 seconds really wasn't this great to take over the show. I mean, I like you. I really do. You remind me of Tina Fey ever did comedy. That's right. I really do. You remind me of Tina Fey ever did comedy. Who said it?

That's right. I'm just taking shots of Tina Fey and Amy Schumer tonight. No big deal. Tony, she's into makeovers because when she was a kid, she dressed an alien up as an old lady to hide them from her parents. She looks like Drew Barrymore. All right, cool. You do.

I get that a lot. Yeah. Since I was a little kid, I got that. Yeah. I bet. You do. I get that a lot. Since I was a little kid, I got that. I bet. What do you do for work? I'm a scotch master. You really do that for a full-time job? That pays the bills. It's kind of like entertainment. It's like gig to gig,

but I've got a thing in Scotland next month that's going to ... I'm okay for the time being. What's the best scotch? Okay. The Springbank 17. The Highland 18 if you're on a budget.

How much does Springbank 17 cost? $150. I would advise anybody that can afford it. Like if you guys can drop $3, two grand, I can't. But if you can afford the three grand, two grand to get your birth year in, like, a major distillery, like, if you can

get, like, the 1982 in a Macau... I'm very confused about your pricing system. Is the $150 $150? Yeah. Okay, but then you're saying you guys could spend $3,000 to get a worse tasting scotch on your birthday?

Who could afford it? Two grand, three grand. I'm not saying it to the band. I'm saying it to the panel. By the way, by the way, I would just like to say for the record that you are my favorite comedian of all time.

Yeah. Thanks. Thank you. Can I make one suggestion? By the way, I would just like to say for the record that you are my favorite comedian of all time. Yeah! Thanks. Thank you. Can I make one suggestion? She comes up and she attacks all the ladies. Yes, Jeremiah? I think that whenever you tell people that you are a Scotchmaster,

you should say that you are Scotchmaster! Wow. I bought drink for a living! Yeah, did you sign up because you thought this was Kilt Tony? Scotch jokes. Scotch jokes. Kat, what do you do when you're not doing a... She loves the fucking band.

When you're not doing stand-up or working as a Scotch master, what types of things do you do for fun? I'm a big reader. That's shocking. Go, Clem. I like my boyfriend and I. We just adopted a 10-month-old German shepherd puppy, so he's very

time-consuming. I love the meaning of names. I like... So you're white. I like to solve riddles. Yeah. I like to solve riddles. Yeah. I like to meet trolls under bridges. I like cucumber sandwiches.

Yeah. I like to look at the cusp of the atmosphere. Dill is my favorite herb. Yeah. That's pretty spot on. I eat garnish on all dishes. I only use fresh cracked pepper.

Kat, what else? What else in real life do you do for fun? Perhaps last vacation you went on? Anything like that? Your first answer was reading. I'm sure you could dig a little bit deeper. Wait, hold on a second.

Let me tell you something, Tony. Every time I pick up a book, it's like a vacation for my mind. How I love reading. And the only thing I love more than reading is telling people how much I read. Feels fucking good. Jeremiah? I read a lot. I have a question.

Did you ever solve that mystery with Scooby-Doo? There it is. That's it. You look like her. You're dressed like her. It's that chick from Scooby-Doo. She would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for these guys

talking over each other. Boom. Kat Agason, you did it again. Made it. Headline the show. She's on Twitter at Kat Food Breath. K-A-T Food Breath. Special shout-outs to some of my

favorites in the crowd, Malcolm and Aphrodite hopefully you guys get pulled out of the bucket again soon there's Ryan J Ebel's drawing with the Cougars Duncan Trussell and David Arquette check out Duncan's podcast the Duncan Trussell family hour and any other

things you guys want to plug and promote Survivor's Guide to Prison a documentary I just produced with my wife watch Yes, watch it on iTunes, Amazon. You'll see Danny Trejo on the front cover there. Click on it. Survivor's Guide to Prison, Duncan Trussell Family Hour. Jeremiah Watkins was

here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Follow me on social media at Jeremiah's Stand Up and listen to my new podcast, Jeremiah Wonders. The Todd Glass episode just dropped today. Fuck yeah, Todd Glass. And I'll be with Tony Hinchcliffe in Salt Lake City later this month.

That's right. Patty Reagan. Just keep it lit out there because I sure can't get it. The whole band is coming with us to Phoenix on April 5th and going to be doing stand-up in Tempe for four shows, April 6th and 7th. Joelberg's also going to be there. He was here tonight, ladies and gentlemen, the great and powerful Joelberg. Real quick, my friends Rich Sladen and John Shefsky, they're doing their podcast Crime Live in the Belly on March 17th.

Jeremiah's the guest. Come check it out. And I'll be here next week. Peace. I love it. I'm doing stand-up comedy by myself in Providence, Rhode Island, Salt Lake City with Jeremiah, Spokane, Washington with Josh Martin,

San Francisco with who knows who, and I'm at Boston Big Crazy Music Festival, Boston Calling, May 26th. We are in Phoenix April 5th, Kill Tony with the entire band and Nashville the 21st of April, so make sure you see that if you live anywhere near those areas.

Sign up for the show if you're interested or just come get tickets and see it live. June 18th is the five-year anniversary of this podcast, the number one live podcast in the world. And that will be posted on our websites, our Squarespace website. Squarespace, baby. Live audience, thank you so much. We'll see you on our websites, our Squarespace website. Squarespace, baby. Live audience, thank you so much. We'll see you on the front patio after this. We can have drinks and hang out. Thank you. you