KILL TONY - KILL TONY #26

Episode Date: December 14, 2013

Mike Faverman, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Brian Redban – Date: 11/25/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Please check out our website while you're at it, DeathSquad.TV, for all our live shows, including this show, Kill Tony, which is every Monday at Death Squad Night at the Comedy Store in Hollywood, California. Death Squad Night starts off at 8 o'clock with Kill Tony, and then it's followed by the Ding Dong Show. Both shows are free, so go to DeathSquad.tv for the links, or go to the Comedy Store's website. Also, the Death Squad Dirty Show is coming to Texas! We're having a three-day show in three different cities in Texas. This is fucking awesome. I've been trying to figure out how to do this for a while, thanks to the guys at Bogart LA for helping us out here. January 9th, we're going to be in Houston, Texas. January 10th, we're going to be in Austin, Texas. And January 11th,

we're going to be in Dallas, Texas. And all the links will be on the website, Desquad.tv. And as a special bonus, the Houston, Texas show, we're also going to be doing a live podcast. So go check out all the information at DeathSquad.TV, and thanks to Bogart LA for helping us out. And if you live in any of these cities, and you can help us out, like you work at a radio station, or you can do any help promoting this,

please help us out, because I want to start doing this on the regular, as with every city, I want to just start bringing DeathSquad here, you know, like every couple months, like six months. Every six months, I would like to come to Texas and do a Texas show and bring some other comics and do just, it'll be a lot of fun. So please help us out. And if you know anyone that can help us out, please tweet at me at RedBan, R-E-D-B-A-N on Twitter. Also, the Death Squad shirt and sticker, which are both limited edition, are at shopsquad.tv.

So go check that out. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you from the world-famous comedy store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah. Fuck yeah, everybody. Here we are.

How you guys doing? Oh, yeah, you feel that energy in here. That's episode 26 of Kill Tony. We've made it a half a year, Brian. That's insane. Six months of this. A quarter of this. Yes, a quarter of that.

Fuck yeah. Everybody's here. Everything's in position. Good to see you guys. Happy Monday to you. Very exciting to be here as always. You guys ready for a fun show? It's been a fun weekend.

Anything crazy happen this weekend? I just got over the busiest week ever. I drove to San Francisco, which is not a bad drive at all, but there's that part where there's just millions of cows where you see where all the meat comes from and it just smells like shit

and you want to roll down the window, but that's a bad idea. You you see where all the meat comes from, and it just smells like shit. And you want to roll down the window, but that's a bad idea. You want to turn on the air conditioning, or it's just awful. It's almost puke-worthy for a good 15 minutes of that highway. Yeah, it's a weird drive. But there's one of the best steak places. I had to get out of the car. I was just like, I got to get out of here.

So there was this really weird restaurant on the side of the road. And it was really nice. It was this awesome steak place where they just pretty much take the cows and kill them. And you just feed them to you. It's awesome. That's great. That's exciting. It's really good. How fun. Yeah.

What did I do? I did spots here. Saturday, Friday, we did Thunder Pussy. Oh, yeah. Thunder Pussy. Oh, yeah, Thunder Pussy. The third episode of Thunder Pussy. That shit is so great. I wish this audience could see Thunder Pussy. It's one of the coolest new podcasts.

Yeah, it's the newest Death Squad show on the network, and it's Jeremiah Watkins' improvised stand-up show built for a podcast. So it's very exciting to see comedians make material out of nothing in thin air. Fuck yeah. Put your hands together for my friend The Robe, everybody. He's here, live in the flesh. One of my great friends.

Let's also introduce the one and only. You know him. You love him. He's our head of security. It's the Iron Patriot, everybody. Fuck yeah. I had a busy week, Tony. Oh, tell us about it.

I was one day on Cougar Town, three days on Parks and Recreation. Right, you did extra work on these shows, is what you're saying. Yes, yes. I was also spending time work on these shows is what you're saying. Yes. Yes. I was also spending time putting together my screenshots of all my background appearances. Uh-huh. And I found a very significant one. I found the first show that I was on.

This was Boston Legal. The episode was called Juiced. It came out December 1st, 2008. Now, Tony, I want you to try to guess who the actress was in this scene, and I'm going to give you a clue. The Guinness Book of World Records in 2013 just gave this lady the record for the longest running career in television. Now, can you guess who that is?

What show was it on? Boston Legal. Came out 2008. Betty White. Yeah, it's got to be Betty White. Very good, Tony. Very good. She's 91 years old She's been in the business 74 years Yeah

It was a very fitting scene For me to make my debut in Right Because why? Because I walked across I was looking very beautiful Walking across You know how I do

My background performances I'm always lurking I'm always patriotic When the camera's not on Does Betty White shake And fall to the floor? Is it really sad and depressing? Is there somebody standing behind her holding her up the whole time?

No, she's full of life. That was five years ago, but she still looks like she's doing good. She's on that show Hot in Cleveland, and she looks like she's going to have some more years left. You're just a jinxed her. Red Band, I want to say something to you. And she looked like she's going to have some more years left. You're just a jinxed her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Red Band, I want to say something to you. I was listening today, you on Alice and Rosen. I was listening to you on a podcast. And I learned something I didn't know about you, that you masturbate with Monistat 7. Yes, I do. Very interesting. Okay. Is this real?

Yes. Why do you do that? Very interesting Okay Is this real? Yes Why do you do that? Because it helps with male yeast infections It keeps the vagina clean And it feels a little bit better than regular lotion Because it's a little bit thicker Yeah Keeps the vagina clean

I mean, if you use regular lotion It does nothing to help you with sex or anything. It does nothing. It moisturizes the penis. Yeah. You can have a nice glow with a good lotion. Or whatever. Your shit's already sweaty.

It already is pretty moisturized during the day. That's how fungus and stuff grows on there. So you should get monistat 7. Patriot, I heard that you sent in a song this week. Yes, I'm ready. I'm ready. This song is called I Gotta Have You. Okay. Yes, I'm ready. I'm ready. voice. The songs always seem a lot longer than they actually are. They're never very well written.

The chorus always comes in over and over again too soon. So about a minute and a half of music always feels like about three minutes. Yep. So what's the name of this one? I Gotta Have You. This is I Gotta Have You by Dirty Crabbers, Jeff Crabtree, aka the Iron Patriot, aka the

Atomic Patriot. Make sure you give me some volume so I can stay on key. Right, so that you can sing over your own voice. Yeah, yeah. Okay. That's okay. I'm not lip-syncing. I'm not Van Lee Van Ellie. You know, I'm doing it.

Hold on. I'm having a little technical difficulty. The iPad was like, oh, no, you didn't. And I was like, yes, I did. And I'm trying to press play. Even the iPad doesn't want us to do this right now. Yeah. There we go. this right now. Yeah. There we go.

There we go. Maybe. Yeah, turn it up a little bit. Get it going. Get it going. Get it going. Okay. Everybody feel it with me.

Put your hands together for the Iron Patriot, everybody. I feel a lot of love in this film. As we ease into episode 26 of Kill Tony. Got it. Got it. Got it. You run around like you need to be free You're up and down the town and it's easy to see I'm searching all hours For your face The finest little hussy

In the whole damn place Oh, oh, I gotta have you I really need you, yeah, yeah I gotta have you I really need you, need you I'm always shaking like a leaf on a stick I'm making every move and I'm making it quick I'm feeling that it's you in my mind

I'm wondering where you go cause you're so hard to find Oh, oh, I gotta have you I really need you, yeah, yeah I gotta have you. I really need you, yeah, yeah. I gotta have you. I really need you, yeah, yeah. Wow. All right. Let's stop that.

Okay. All right. I want a random audience member. Lainey, if you had to guess, how long do you think that song just was? If you had to guess. Just throw out any number. Yeah.

If you had to guess the time on that. All right. Forget it, Lainey. You just blew the whole thing. It was a very easy setup, Laney. Yep, yep. I actually liked that one. That was like an angrier version of your band or your music.

Let me tell you a little bit about that song. That song got more airplay than any Dirty Crubber song because it came out in 1991, and a famous DJ in Dallas named George Gamark put it on a compilation CD with 19 other bands. So it got a little airplay. That was the only way you can get on the radio back then. So that

was pretty exciting. That song is very significant in the Dirty Krabber history. Well, I liked it. I thought it was darker. It sounded a little bit like you were going through your pretty hate machine days of the B-52s. Yeah, yeah. It's talking about the finest little hussy in the whole damn place.

I want her. I got to have her. Yeah. Very violent, sex, like rapey. That's what I do when I enter the room. I look for the finest hussy and I say that she's mine. What the fuck are you talking about right now? Wow.

Yeah. Unbelievable. When did you write that? That was back in 1991. What was your life like back then? Like, what was happening back then? Those were my glory years. Like what?

So tell us about your glory years. What was the typical day like for Jeff Crabtree back in Dallas, Texas in 91? Soothing on the pouch sometimes. Sleeping on the couch sometimes? No. Soothing on the pouch. Wait, wait, wait. Slow it down, man. Just take your time.

Can you breathe in that thing? Yeah, yeah. Zooming on. Still hold on. Just breathe. Okay. Relax. zooming on still hold on just breathe okay okay relax when you say when you say zooming on the pouch soothing

what does that mean you know putting the banana in the pouch playing with the soothing on it you, stoking it a little bit. You know, I was working hard back then, too. I was practicing. It took a lot of time to write those songs. We were going to the studio.

We were doing gigs, you know, meeting people at the shows and stuff. And I was a little, I was a rock star in Dallas. It was exciting. You know, all the things rock stars do, you know. A little bit of drug experimentation, soothing on the pouch, like I said. Wait, masturbating or with a girl? No, with a girl.

So you're snarfing puss. You're soothing on a pouch is what you're saying. Yeah, I said, yeah, yeah. That's your way of saying you were getting laid back then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the things you do with a pouch. Do you ever think that a lot of the reason why you haven't been laid since 9-11 or whatever it was

is that you say things like soothing on the pouch? No, my relation status is complicated. I'm coming back now. I'm getting my career back on route. I'm going to find the soulmate. I'm going to find the perfect lady. The perfect lady might be in this crowd right now. Got really quiet after that.

A lot of ladies just ducked underneath their tables. Yeah. I see a bright future for me, Tony. Yeah. The only thing... Alright. Fuck yeah. Well, you know what's exciting

is that we have over 30 comedians that signed up tonight. And as always, I always have two very funny guests, very funny friends of mine that come on the show and sit with us while we listen to comedians, do one minute each.

And tonight is no different. I have two very, very funny guests. And in no particular order, we just go for it? We could go for it. Maybe one won't show up right now. Yes, one might be just delayed a few minutes because show business is crazy.

All right, so with no further ado, put your hands together for the first person I'll bring up. One of my favorite comedians, a true comedy store favorite. Handpicked by Mitzi Shore. Super paid regular at the comedy store. He travels the country. He's a chef.

He's a comedian. One of my funniest pals. Put your hands together for the one and only Mike Favreman. He's in the house. And you know her from Chelsea lately. You love her from Chelsea. She's not ready yet. Wow, that's great.

Thank you. Fuck yeah. Mike Favreman is here, everybody. Check, check, check. How you doing, Mike? Hey, guys. Is there a mute button on this thing, by the way? On the Patriot?

Come on, guys. You know you love it. You know you love it, Mike. No, I know I don't. Okay. Mike, Mike, I was doing some reading on you today. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I see that you do many things. You direct, you produce, don't. Okay. Mike, Mike, I was doing some reading on you today. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I see that you do many things.

You direct, you produce, you act. Okay. You've got an outdoor cooking show that looks very interesting. I watched a little bit of that. Now, what I wanted to ask you, you know, you heard that Tony's a vegan. What would you cook for something like him? Because, you know, you think outdoor, you think barbecue. What would you make for him?

I would force him to eat meat. That's what I'd do. Oh, come on. What would you make me? I'd make you a grilled veggie platter with a big, fat puss in the middle. Oh. He would hate that. He's vegan.

I don't know if that's part of the vegan lifestyle. You don't eat puss? No. He likes a calm sorbet. Brian, settle down. It's hot as fuck in here. Yeah, it is. Heck yeah.

It's hot and cold at the same time. Yeah, Tony, I wanted to say something. I'm basically a vegetarian and I see the difference between me and you is I drink milk

and eat eggs. Yeah. Now, I saw, I read something that you need a B12 and an amino acid supplement. Yeah, that's why I don't take medical advice from people like you. But is that true that you need a B12 amino acid supplement?

That's if I wasn't getting enough of that in my natural diet, but I am. There's ways to get the B12. Without milk and eggs, you can still get it. I have so much B12 in my diet that my pee is, like, golden. It's beautiful. Okay. It looks like fucking 24 carats. Does it

matter if the guy shaves or if it's just you know, full bush? Full bush. I'm just gonna let you think about what you just said. Patriot, what did you... Oh yeah, you already asked that question, what you read about Mike Faberman.

Patriot, what do you like to eat? I eat a lot of veggie burgers. I eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich every single day with a glass of milk. Raisin bread in the morning, green beans with the veggie sandwich, also with chips. I crunch up the Bran in the morning. Green beans with the veggie sandwich. Also with chips. I crunch up the chips and the rice.

Okay, wait. One more time, nice and slow. Let's go over it again. What was it again? Raisin Bran in the morning. Lunchtime. Veggie burger and green beans. Peanut butter and jelly at dinner time. And then later on that night, maybe some peanut M&M's. Another bowl of Raisin Bran. Another

veggie burger, bowl of rice with a chips crunch tip up inside. What kind of chips? Like those Mission chips, you know, you get at Ralph's. You put tortilla chips in your rice? Just chips, just like, you know, with the salt on the chips. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, tortilla chips. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're Mission, Mission chips.

Yeah, it's tortilla chips. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're putting those, you're breaking those up and putting them in a bowl. Yeah, I like to crunch those up in the rice. It gives the rice some good texture. I like to enjoy that. I'll usually watch a movie on Netflix while I'm doing it. And I like to watch Sons of Anarchy while I'm eating it. That's so sad.

Why do you keep putting your hand out like that, like you're running for president while talking? I work in mysterious ways, Tony. The way he says Tony, it's just like my worst nightmare that I'm going to wake up one day and he's going to be leaning over me. Good morning, Tony. You're my little Tony Maroney. Oh my god.

He wants you! Oh! Oh yeah. I didn't know what you were talking about. That song was so forgettable that I already forgot. I personally love his music. If you don't like my music, I'll go somewhere else and do my Dirty Crabber songs. Tony.

Oh, my God. Is that Tony? Nobody else wants you to do the Dirty Crabber songs. They do. I don't even you to do the Dirty Crabber songs. I don't even want you to do Dirty Crabber songs. You just keep sending them in every week. Yes, I got more. Me and Tony were both part of one of the coolest things that I've done in a long time. Mike Farron had a really cool event where he got comics to fight each other in the ring, boxing.

Actual boxing. That was one of the greatest times. I guess you're cutting it up. You might be selling it as a show. I don't know what's going on with that. I want more. You don't understand. That was like UFC for comedians. It was fucking badass.

It was so much fun. Patriot, if you were going to fight somebody in the ring, who would it be? If you were going to box somebody, who do you think would be in your weight class? Maybe the Iron Sheik. Really? That's who you pick? It doesn't really matter. I'd take any of them. I'd take anybody and it's all over

when I get to work. Would you wrestle in that uniform? I want to. You know who I really want to fight? It's Joe over when I get to work. Wow. Would you wrestle in that uniform? I want to. You know who I really want to fight is Joe Rogan. That's cute. You know why I don't trust him? Because he's never done cocaine. I want to kick his ass.

What? He's actually done coca leaves before, which is where cocaine comes from. It was like a tea. And he said he couldn't stop talking. And if you know Joe, he loves to talk, so imagine that times a thousand. That must be insane. So that's probably why he doesn't want to do it, because it would probably blow up his face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it would be fun to have a conversation with him, though, high on cocaine.

Wait, you'd have fun if he was high on cocaine? Yeah, because he said he'd never done it, but I know he likes to talk a lot. Have you done it? What? You've done it? Yeah, I've done it probably about ten times. You know, I never got addicted, but I did do it about ten times. A very euphoric feeling. Gets the banana

up and hard. Oh my god. This was back in Dallas, or have you been doing it since your holiday? Well I had one time I did it Since in the last five years when I was in LA I was up in a rockstar pad Hanging out with that girl Jennifer Corbin

That I told you about that was on lingerie That used to dance for Dirty Carver And I went ahead and went for it Because I was up in a rockstar pad And I said I gotta do what rockstars do So I did a line of cocaine And it made me chain smoke a whole pack of cigarettes Awesome and our other guest Everybody you know, from Chelsea lately,

you know, are from Comedy Central, my writing partner on the burn. Comedy Central's the burn writer, comedian, extraordinary. Sarah Deanna, everybody. She's amazing. She's she's so balls deep in the show business that she's literally 10 minutes late for this show. I mean, who needs credits when you just need the proof that I tried to bring her up five minutes ago? I'm sorry. No, it's okay.

It's obviously no big deal to you. Anyway. It is a big deal to me. You were doing a photo shoot? Yeah. Sorry. That's awesome. For an upcoming tour?

Yes. Penthouse? Yes. That's why my nipples are hard. I noticed. You seem like you... We're outside on the roof. Ooh la la.

Sorry. Sorry. I have to cover myself. Fuck yeah. Right now, Mike's fucking sweating bullets in his crotch. He wants to be on your rooftop. There's nothing different. He always does that.

You guys are hilarious. Have you guys ever hooked up before? Because you guys have known each other for a while. Me and Faberman? No. He's cooked steaks at my house before at parties and stuff. He's a good cook. Why won't you let him? Why won't I let him?

Yeah. Red Van, why is that always your first? Do you have any other questions in your repertoire? Why won't you let him? Why won't I let him? Red Van, why is that always your first? Do you have any other questions in your repertoire? No, I don't. This is every question. Are you fucking him? No?

Yeah. Okay, good seeing you. That's all the thing. It is true. He loves the ladies, Brian. Sarah, can I say something to you? Sure. It was true. He loves the ladies, Brian. Sarah, can I say something to you? Sure. It was nice.

I met you first on June 18th, Kill Tony 3. I saw a nice picture of you at the James Franco roast with Tony that was very lovely. And what I wanted to say is last on Saturday night, I was out posing for pictures for tips like I usually do. Coming home at 630, I saw Jason Tebow. And he said he was just at your house. He was looking over your dog. Does he do that often? He does. He house sits.

My dog is a big fan of Jason Tebow, so that's why he was there. He's a great guy. That's really creepy that you know that. Of all the things that you normally look up about our guests, you normally don't quote their dog sitter. He said you live over by the Hollywood Bowl.

Yes. I just moved, though, last night. That's the ticket. Perfect. Do you have anything to ask me about Jason Tebow, Red Bear? Tebow, fuck that dog, bro. Mike, so can we find that boxing thing anywhere? What should we look for?

Is there a website we can keep updated? Because I want to see more of that. We're trying to sell it now, so it's kind of an exclusive video for people trying to collaborate and go to networks with it. It's such a beautiful idea. Yeah, it totally makes sense.

Who would you fight? I would not fight, but if I had to choose somebody, it would probably be... Jay Moore? Somebody from your podcast wars? Because that'd be fun. Are you guys in a podcast war? I'd fight Jay Moore.

How about you, Tony? Who would you fight? I'm not big on fighting. I would pick... I would pick... You fight with words. I think like Brad Williams. Or Nick Novicki. Or perhaps even...

Esther. Yeah, Esther would be good. We could tag team Esther. Anyway. Anyway. Jesus Christ. Boxing tag team. Okay. Okay.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't like fighting. You don't like fighting either? I don't really like... It was great, though. You could see people go all out and beat on each other. See, it'd be bad if I did it, because I'm actually trained in the martial arts,

and I don't want to embarrass all my friends. Thank you. You sell it fleeing. Is your move running away? Yeah, fleeing. It's a new technique. I go for the WWF thing. I try to get three inches away

from their face with all my punches and I expect that to affect them. There's no way. The announcer would be like, in this corner, weighing this many pounds, Tony Hinchcliffe. He's like way. They'd be like, the announcer would be like, in this corner, weighing this many pounds, Tony Hinchcliffe.

He's like, those aren't all my credits. Like, the game wouldn't even get started because Tony would be mad at the announcer for the way he brought him up. It's true.

It's true. Oh, that's the only thing important about me is my height and weight? Don't you know what I've written on? All right.

You forgot to say Youngstown, Ohio. I'm so excited that my guests are finally here and done with their photo shoots. I'm so glad to have the Patriot here. You guys know the format of the show. Over 30 comedians signed up tonight for the opportunity for one minute on this stage. That's so cool. And you know how it works.

At 60 seconds, you'll hear the meow of a kitty. That's to let you know your time's up. Now, don't run that time, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And he sounds fucking furious tonight. So I'd be very careful. Don't run over your time. That bear means that you're in big trouble. So, you guys ready to get this thing started or what?

It's the half-year centennial edition with Favreman and Tiana, Patriot, Red Band, and Hinchcliffe. And your first comedian tonight. Patriot, move the mic stand over so that, oh not yours. Josh, yeah, you want to grab that? By the way, Patriot, we call him the head of security but he can't even move.

Only his arms move at 90 degree angles. You know, Tony, if we got on the bigger stage downstairs, I could do more moving. I could do dance moves and everything. We need to be in that bigger room. Why do you always talk shit like I'm not doing a good job? Like, Tony, if you push the podcast more, we'd be in the main room.

Yeah, yeah. Talk to Tommy Morris. Let's do a Christmas episode down in the big room. Says the guy who his big night is here. Like the Monday nights. Yeah, it's funny that you think Tommy Morris is the one that's booking the main room. Tommy.

We should get our show in the main room. Talk to Tommy Morris is the one that's booking the main room. Tommy. We should get our show in the main room. Talk to Tommy Morris. You told me you want to do a show down there. How dare you talk about things that I brought up to you before off camera. Just because I told you I wanted to maybe do a show in the main room. Yeah, it'd be fun

when we can fill it up. I guess we have been filling up the belly room every week for six weeks. No big deal. After only six months, but anyway. Anyway. I've pulled the first name, and you're first comedian tonight, doing a minute.

Okay. Put your hands together for Lindsay Wigglers. Thank you. Well, I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art. I'm the pious guy, the little omelette's wanna be like on my knees day and night, scoring points for the afterlife. So don't be vain. Shh. Does it start when you start walking? My name's Lindsay.

I nanny a lot. And I nanny this one girl in particular. Her name's Ava. She's four and she's like totally crazy. And like her mom, like she's really curious. And her mom recently told her that her private part was called a vagina. And so since she found out that information, she like walks up to women and is like, I have a vagina and so do you.

And it gets uncomfortable, but I don't like say anything because she's not wrong and um anyway uh she's really weird about bathroom time she won't go to the bathroom by herself and she follows me in every time which i don't want her doing because i just don't think that's a good habit but it's only hard when um i have my period because she'll stay out behind the door. And any time I open my tampon wrapper, every time she hears it crank on, it's like, Hey, Miss Lance, you got some candy in there? Thank you. Okie dokie.

Sarah, you were paying them. Well, first of all. Sarah, get were paying them. Well, first of all. Sarah, get in there. There's no right time of the month for a period joke, in my opinion. I just, I don't like it. I don't like period jokes, but I also don't like poop jokes. So you can just say whatever you will about me. But you can just get to that joke.

You can cut that joke in half. You can just say, I babysit this girl who just found out what a vagina is. That should be the first thing you say. You don't need all the backstory about her name.

We don't give a shit about her name. Okay. We barely give a shit about your name. We just found out who you are. You know what I mean?

We just found out about you. Now I've got to memorize two names. That's a lot. You can come out. You can hide behind the Iron Patriot. You can bring the microphone. It comes. Yeah. Bring the whole mic stand. You can do that also. That's a lot. You can come out. You can hide behind the Iron Patriot. You can bring the microphone.

Yeah, bring the whole mic stand. You can do that also. It's a mobile microphone. It's not that heavy either. I'm going to be afraid of it. Could you imagine what she'd be like if she's driving? How long have you been doing stand-up? Maybe like six months, but I'm really spotty about it.

I do a lot of improv. Another joke about her period. Spotty. No, that wasn't a period joke. She's wearing red pants, guys. spotty about it. I do a lot of improv. Another joke about her period. Spotty. We can tell from your pants where you're spotty. She's wearing red pants, guys. They were white earlier. Well, it's not like a vulgar period joke. No, it's not.

But I don't understand why she would think there's candy up there. Because she hears the wrapper open. Maybe I was real fast. Yeah, that's not clear that the wrapper is why you would have candy up there. Immediately I'm thinking, does she see the string? Because you just talked about her looking at vaginas.

No, she just hears it opening through the door, so she thinks I'm eating candy in the bathroom. Okay. Well, that's, you don't have to say period. You can just say anytime I'm opening up a tampon wrapper. Or unwrapping something. If you're talking about how she's staring

at vaginas all the time and then you go into a period joke, they seem like two separate things. It was really confusing. I was super confused. I didn't follow any of that. It was very hard. I didn't even hear what you said. I was staring at her I didn't follow any of that. It's very true. It was very hard. I didn't even hear what she said.

I was staring at her pussy the whole time. Was she telling a joke? I didn't hear one. I didn't hear a joke. I'm sorry. By the way. Did you hear one? That is Mike.

Faberman is here, everybody. I love it. Listen, hold on, hold on. With guys? The Faberman perspective. You have to cut to the chase. You're not interesting enough to listen to you to get to that lack of a joke.

No, that's the fact. Cut to the chase. Trim the fat. Get to the joke. Nobody cares. Also, don't use the word pussy ever. I don't. Unless you look like me. And then use it all the time for every punchline. Who only uses the word pussy.

Woon or slit is better, probably. Gash. Don't listen to these guys, please. Gash is a great word. 80s pussy. You can always say pouch, too. Oh, there you go. Did he say crotch?

He calls it a pouch. Patriot calls the vagina a pouch. That's like a six-year-old. I know, he is. Did he say crotch? He calls it a pouch. Patriot calls the vagina a pouch. That's like a six-year-old. I know, he is. He's also let a dog eat chocolate off of his penis. Hey, who hasn't? The worst thing you can let a dog eat off your penis. I told you, my bestiality is behind me.

If it doesn't take too long, his peanut butter better takes longer. Like the way you said that. The worst thing that you can... Because chocolate's poisonous for dogs. It's bad for dogs. Yeah. Meanwhile, that's what he used. Meanwhile, the guy eats a peanut butter

and jelly sandwich every day, so you know he's got peanut butter. I love that I'm the dog owner and I didn't remember the chocolate. You should really look that up, by the way. There's so many things you have no idea that's poisonous to dogs, like grapes. Would you ever think that grapes are poisonous? I know

grapes are poisonous. The other day my dog threw up two ketchup packets in a receipt. No, he shit them out actually. He shit them out. He didn't even throw them up. He threw up three things I had no idea what they were. Lindsay, I know it was a minute and I know you've only been doing it for six months, but it really shows

that you're doing a lot more improv than you are stand-up because there was only really one punchline in the whole 60 seconds, and it was sort of a punchline. How many punchlines should you average per 60 seconds? As many as possible.

A lot. Just think outside the box. When you think of what the easy joke is, go... There's a lot of... No joke is, go. Right. We just can't. There's a lot of, no, no, no, no. Write it down.

Yeah. Write it down and then trim it down to about a third of what you have. Yeah. And then maybe it'll be fun.

And then think, is this the smartest way to end that joke? What would be, could anybody end that joke this way and what's a better way of ending that joke?

How can I one up? So basically, don't do the joke? No. There's nothing wrong with the joke. That's not what we're saying., don't do the joke? No. There's nothing wrong with the joke. That's not what we're saying. We're saying quit stand-up. That's not...

Just kidding. Shut up, pussy. Whoever made that noise, don't do that again for the rest of the night. That's never a solution. We're just starting the show. We don't owe it kill Tony. Just watch it happen. There you go. We're not saying quit. We're saying watch other people who do it well and learn from what you hear is the right way to do it.

Yeah, but you can always save a joke. You can always punch it up and change it and make it different. Don't cut out the period part. Right. All the information that doesn't have to do with the... Punchline. If you're going to stick with the candy thing, which I still don't really get.

Like, I don't know. If you normally give her candy and you bring it out of a wrapper on the front end of that, then maybe that would make sense. It sounds like the whole joke's just a tag for another joke. It's true. The joke is just the last part about the wrapper. All the other stuff means nothing.

That one thing is a joke. So take that joke and put it in another joke or something. Come back next time. Do a different minute. Lindsay Wagler. She's on a different minute. Lindsay Wagler. She's on Twitter. At Lindsay underscore Wagler. If any of you listeners out there want to give her a

punch that up or something. I'd love to punch that up. Punch that pussy, right? Hey, buddy! Did you guys have any jokes that you feel like when you started out that you feel like now you would never even go near

that doesn't make any sense? Do you want me to do Faberman's? You have one for him that you remember? No. He was always funny. I don't know. I mean like when you first started, like your first six months,

and you're doing stand-up. Was there ever a joke in which you're like, oh my God, I can't believe I did that on stage? I used to do a joke about how you could get money for sperm now, and then I said, I have this towel at home. It'd be worth a fortune. But it's kind of now, we wrote that like 20 years ago, and now it's kind of hacky.

How long have you been doing stand-up? 15 now. Wow. 15 it's kind of hacky. How long have you been doing stand-up? 15 now. Wow. 15 years. Long, wonderful years of misery. Fucking pain in my ass. Do you enjoy it? Yeah, I love it, but I hate having to do it, you know? You know what I'm saying? I love doing it.

I feel like I'm good at it. I just don't love chasing to get work. It's bullshit. I'm good at it, and I just don't love chasing to get work. It's bullshit. I mean, I'm funny. Let's bring on the fucking work. What's the problem? Right.

They want asses in the seats, and it's all business. That's all. It has nothing to do with how funny you are. But you get a lot of respect here, which is sort of what... Yeah, that goes a long way. Fifteen bucks in the OR. Sarah, do you have a joke that you can't believe that you ever did on stage from your first few months or whatever?

No, I mean, I can't really remember because they didn't last very long if they weren't working. Right. I mean, I would try them like three to five times was the limit. If they weren't working after three to five times, they're out. Or, you know, but I'll look back. I mean, I used to say some was the limit. If they weren't working after three to five times, they're out. I'll look back. I used to say some pretty crazy stuff like, guns don't kill people, black people kill people.

It's true. It's not a joke. It's funny. It's only funny because it's a fact. I used to have this one stupid thing in the first couple months that I'd say, I was born with two ball sacks, but I had to have one removed because

when the two ball sacks rubbed together there was something about it that was just really gay. That's all I said. That was the whole joke. And then I would change direction. Anyway, supermarkets are crazy. Because I had no idea what I was doing. And now I'm a fucking genius. Who would have thought? Tons of shitty jokes. I just I don't know. And now I'm a fucking genius.

Who would have thought? I had tons of shitty jokes. I just don't remember them. It's hard enough to remember them. Yeah, the good ones. Try to push those ones back. Better make a list tonight. Better make a set list. Oh, I know this name.

This is a fun African fellow. It's Tim Greer, everybody. Tim Greer! Hello, city. I'm home. He's black.er, everybody. Tim Greer! Hello, I'm home! Oh, we can hear some music. Hey, what's going on? How y'all doing? So look,

I'm tired of people making excuses for not having fathers. I feel like, fuck you, I mean, you should have had one. Realistically, there's fathers everywhere. Like, seriously. If you turn on your television, there's great fathers. When I leave my children, one day, like every black man should,

I'm going to leave my children the box set of the Cosby show. It was nine seasons of a great father. He was there. He took care of them. And that's how you know, by looking at Theo, how to be a good son. That's my job.

Okay. Bailing early? Alright. Call him Bail Cosby. Am I right, people? Anyway. Split the bill. Split the Bill Cosby. Some people are like, do you think the comedians should ever do like three minutes

or something like that? Some people do fucking 14 seconds. What's your name? Tim, right? Don't ever ask the audience how they're doing. You tell them how they're doing. Okay. Yeah. Tell them either they suck... Show weakness right away. Don't do that. You don't have to. Be like, hey,

this is who I am. Do you ever feel like right away, cut to the chase? Okay. And I don't think a black comic should do the black people don't have fathers type stuff. Talk about yourself. Do you have a father? Hell yeah.

Yeah? Do you touch him? Do you wish he would leave? For a trust fund, yes. No, do you see how that was funny? Yeah. You see what I'm saying? No, I'm not putting you down.

I'm saying be a little more original. Be more original. I don't like it. So you've always had a father. So do you ever talk about how you break that stereotype? How you weren't part of that? No. You don't have any jokes about that?

No. You father and you get along? No. No? Why? Hell no. But we're the same. Because you're the same?

Yeah, exactly. Same age? He's not Mexican, Tony. He's your father, brother. Your father. Father, bro. Wait, so you guys are the same? What do you mean you're the same?

We're like the same personality. Like strong-minded. Strong-minded? Yes. Okay. So you don't... Where does he live? In Texas.

In Texas? That's where you're from? Does he have a southern black father? No, he's from Chicago. Okay. But he lives in Texas. Yes. And did you grow up in Texas?

Yes. And do you ever talk about that? Yes. What do you say? I'm from Texas. That's hilarious. You got the whole setup and the punch in three words. You are the most interesting man in the world.

You should talk about how you and your dad are the same person. That's why you hate him. Yeah. Anything, whenever you talk about something you and your dad are the same person That's why you hate him Yeah Whenever you talk about something that's real He'll watch my comedy so I want to let him know that I actually hate him Why not dude How often is he watching your comedy Anything I put on YouTube

Well don't put it on YouTube You shouldn't be putting that on YouTube You shouldn't have anything on YouTube No I'm kidding I'm serious I hate putting my stand up on YouTube. No, I'm kidding. I'm serious. I hate putting my stand-up on YouTube. He's saying rock star hip-hop.

Well, I just feel like... No, what I'm saying is talk about what's real. Yeah, when you talk about you, no one can steal jokes from you. Right. You know? Because no one can be anybody else. No one can take anything that's already yours and really personal.

Right. And it takes a while. How long have you been doing comedy? Three and a half years. Three and a half years? Yeah. You should be past that right now. You should already be talking about yourself.

Okay. And definitely don't say how you're doing. And hold the mic a little closer. And it's not going to be easy, but that's what makes it good. You know what I'm saying? It's not going to be easy to talk about yourself. But if you make it funny for everyone else that means it's really funny

vulnerability makes everything funny true and it gives you perspective Tim Greer everybody Tim Greer good job Tim

what's that Faberman needs another beer can somebody get it another beer for Faberman please please bad light your next comedian goes by the name of Bo Scott Another beer for Faveman, please. Bud Light.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Bo Scott. Bo Scott. Bo! San Diego, Bo. Hey, guys. You ever get so high, you turn your blinker on going around a curve? I got so stoned yesterday.

I went to Ralph's and I was looking at the eggs, trying to figure out which one I wanted for like 30 minutes. They have A eggs and they have double A eggs. I was like, come on, man. One of these is B eggs. It was right next to the almond milk. I was like, how the fuck do you milk an almond? I was all stoned, so I was like, the almond milk. I was like, how the fuck do you milk an almond? I was all stoned,

so I was like, the almond brothers know. They do, I guess. They had Christmas shit out in the grocery store, which I guess I'm okay with. Because I like Christmas. The only thing I don't like

about Christmas is that they have ugly sweater parties and I can't go because all my Christmas sweaters are dope as fuck. Fucking have Tide is the same price as Tide with added freshness. Who the fuck is buying regular Tide? Some dude's like,

I like my clothes fresh, but not too fresh. That bear is furious tonight. He can't wait to come out. Yeah, the bear just ate that cat. Hell yeah. Bo, that was so funny. Yeah, I love that Christmas sweater joke.

I knew you would like that because it's so cocky. Yeah, I love that Christmas sweater joke. I knew you would like that because it's so cocky. Tony's like, I can't believe I didn't write that joke. But I will be doing it at 10.30 in the original room tonight. Thank you. I appreciate that.

Fuck yeah. He knows how to write a joke. Yeah, you know what to to do He's from San Diego To the girl who got offended By us helping her That's how you write a joke Quick and to the point But the first one

When you were like You get so stoned You turn your blinker on Going around a curve Yeah Like that was Like you started really slow And then until you got

To the sweater part Wasn't really laughing But like the grade A eggs and the AA eggs, I don't think to go to B from there. Do you guys think to go to B from there? I sort of like that. I'd rather have that in there than

the curve. I would lose the curve completely. What I was saying is... You know why that's funny. You know what curve you were on when that blinker was on. I can sort of picture it, but people don't really. Especially, I have a thing where, because I like smoking pot

and I also obviously write a lot of material, but I find it hard to write good pot jokes. You know what I mean? So many of them are... Yeah. It's hard. Yeah. Right. Because sometimes it's about forgetting or this or that. So it's hard yeah right because it's a you know sometimes it's about forgetting or this or that so it's totally something that you do that nobody else stop sign

didn't turn green that type of shit right yeah yeah and like milking an almond like i've heard that one right but the almond brothers is a fun that was really good i would jump into that quicker i wouldn't say milk and almond i would say what, what is that cow milk that was milked by the Allman Brothers? More into it so that you don't say the, I don't know how you milk an almond, because that part brings the back part down, and the back part's funny, because I like the Allman Brothers thing. How long have you been doing comedy? I haven't been very consistent, but I did my first set six years ago.

Okay, yeah, I could tell it was right around five or six because you're kind of yourself on stage too. Yeah, I also love the idea of you staring at the eggs. And you said to pick out which one you want, just one egg? No, I was basically saying that in the grocery store they have A eggs and they also have AA eggs. And I'm like, one of those is B eggs.

Yeah. Why don't they just B eggs? Yes. But when you say... Everybody wants to be special eggs. Why don't you just B eggs? But you need to say grade A. Because when you say they have A eggs,

it sounds like AA. It doesn't sound like the letter A. What's a grade F egg? Like a testicle looking egg? All right. I've never got a grade AA before. Yeah. What are the AA eggs like?

Just always like, I'm egg and I've been sober for three weeks. What makes you great, AA? Extra religious, carry around a book with them. What do AA people do? I never got an AA. I certainly didn't get an AA. Cry themselves to sleep at night. They're all cracked. Sorry for you sober folks out there

that don't have the chemical benefits of drinking, but it sucks to be you. I don't want the AA eggs. They're all cracked. Right. They taste bad. Oh, that's funny. The AA eggs have a bad crack problem. Maybe I should spend more time

at the grocery store on that subject then. Also, there's the 12 steps. 12 steps. Oh, that's true. A dozen. And nobody wants to drop the steps. Very good, Sarah. A dozen eggs, 12 steps.

It's our joke now. It's our joke. We need to write together more often. There's also like cage-free. You know, like something about cage-free. Like what are these eggs fed?

Like these chickens are fed better than I am. This is really good yolk writing we're doing right now. All these eggs. We're really milking it. They're only egg jokes for white people. Good, Tony. That was a good one, Tony. Oh, Jesus.

Patriot, you're out of control. Bo Scott, great job. Great job, buddy. Good to see you. DJ Bo Scott great job. Great job buddy. Good to see you. DJ Bo Scott. He's on Twitter at Bo underscore Scott B.O. He's opened for me

a couple times at the American Comedy Company when he used to work down there. I've snarfed puss with that guy. Really? Were you there for the roof otter night?

Oh yeah he was there for the roof otter night. He was there for the roof otter when Tony got mad at the bouncer on the roof of the Oh yeah that's true you were there for the roof otter. He was there for the roof otter when Tony got mad at the bouncer on the roof of the Oh yeah, that's true. You were there for that. And he's like, you're gonna have to

throw me off this roof. You don't want me in this bar. But if you do, you better hope I land on Hollywood Boulevard because that's where I belong. Hollywood! These fucking San Diego rooftop bouncers fucked with the wrong people that night.

They said, we said, is the bar still open? They're like, yeah, go get a drink. It looked like it was closing, though. We go, we get a drink. We literally get the drink. I'm like, oh, great, a drink. I'm sipping at some big douchebag. I fucking hate.

I know. Oh, God, there's nothing. I know. He was like, hey, you're going to need to finish up your dress. And he's like, how dare you? All right, let me get my side. You already told your side

of the story. No, you went from zero to how dare you in like two seconds. Yeah, you're damn right. That's because this guy walks up that works out every day.

Meanwhile, we're wearing the same size fucking shirt. Comes up, you guys got to wrap it up, wrap it up guys. And I'm like, no, no,

no. They just told us that we just literally, they just hand us. Yeah. That has nothing to do with what I'm doing. And I'm like, what do you mean? It has nothing to do with you.

You're, we're working for the place where I just bought this on a hotel rooftop. He's that guy. Just like, I'm just doing my job, which is just doing my job. Which is just the fucking worst. You know what?

No, dude. We're not fucking leaving right away. I'm enjoying an evening with my friends. Meanwhile, I look around when I say that. All these pussies have already run to the fucking elevator. With our drinks. We took them to our room. You're just a bunch of animals that just listen to every little thing told to you.

Not true. You see a bouncer in a tight pol to every little thing told to you. Not true. You see a bouncer in a tight polo shirt. Oh, yes. Oh, sorry. Sorry to be keeping you at work in San Diego on a rooftop. It's 72 degrees. Oh, my God. The best part is that throughout the evening, we're making fun of Tony for this.

And the bouncer kept getting nicer and nicer every time we retold the story. And Tony kept getting meaner. Sir, we'd just like to, I know we're rushing you off the roof, we'd like to offer you a complimentary bottle of beer. Oh, I'm in a period. How dare you? This is my roof. I'm from Hollywood. Do you know who I am?

I never said that. I would never say that. I would never say, do you know who I am? You're gonna die. I tell them who I am right in front of them. I go, I write jokes for a fucking living. I wake up at 2 in the afternoon and I live my dreams, you dumb fuck. And he goes, all you do is –

And it fucks with them. All of a sudden those guys are like, hey, does this guy – is he staying in this hotel? Because they're like – they want to fucking touch me. But they can't if you're a guest at the hotel. But if you're just some guy drinking at their rooftop – so they're like so excited. Like, oh, please tell me this guy's not at the hotel. I'm like, here's my fucking room key, bro. And yeah, I'm going to my suite right now.

I don't write checks. I get checks. Sweet two-star hotel room. I'm going back to my sweet, sweet twin-size bed. The best part was that you said, listen, I'm on Hollywood rooftops all the time. I did not say that part. I didn't say that part. I'm cutting you off.

I did not say that part. I listened to that part. You weren't there. What are you shaking here? You weren't even there either. I didn't want to believe. No, what I told them was, what I told them was,

because it was weird, because I actually write a lot of insult jokes for a living, but what ended up coming out of my mouth, because I had been drinking and I was having a lot of fun, was the worst insult that I've ever told anybody. I go, yeah, you fucked up. I'm a badass motherfucker, and you're just some San Diego roof guy. And I walked away on that. And then turned into Red Van calling him a roof guy. And I walked away on that. And then turned into Red Van calling him a roof botter. Immediately when I turned and walked away, even though

none of my friends were there to defend me anymore, as soon as I turn away, I'm like, oh, my friends are going to find out about that part, and that's going to be embarrassing. But instead, here I am bragging about it. Yeah, you fucked with the wrong guy, you rooftop guy. Roof botter. Yeah, you fucked with the wrong guy, you rooftop guy. Roof fodder.

Yeah, and then the joke turned into and we caught the hotel room on fire. Yeah, you caught the hotel room on fire. What a great night. The point is, Bounce is a pussy. It's true, man. I'm really anti-Bouncer. I fucking hate him.

Who are we doing? Rebecca Rose Vinagra. Rebecca! Rebecca! Video game music from the 80s. You can leave your friends behind. Is that the Dirty Crabber? What?

So, yeah. I was probably funnier at eight years old in my kitchen i um my mom was always like it's just like you're one of us but really i was adopted so my family thought i was a really good actor and my brother would always have me doing these impressions in the kitchen. One of them, he'd put a cigarette in my mouth, light it, and we'd have Aunt Mammy. So Aunt Mammy from Alabama, she'd be something like this. Aunt Mammy from Alabama. I could pave the 405 with my lungs. And by the end of it, I'd just be sitting in my kitchen,

smoking a cigarette. My dad would come in and hand me a beer. He's like, I don't know where we got you from. I'm like, well, where'd you pick me up? Yeah, so not much really has changed. I didn't go through puberty. I barely got acne or grief.

It's probably the same. Okey-dokey. Whoa. Yeah. Interesting. That's a lot of information. I know. That is a lot of information.

There's a lot of setups in there. Didn't adopt a funny bone. Sorry. That was... Oh, no, she didn't. Feel the burn. Well, I didn't understand anything that you were talking about. Yeah, me neither.

I heard cigarette, and I was like, oh, I want a cigarette. Yeah. That was good. That's a really good idea. Wait, what are you talking about? Burning your tongue with a cigarette when you were a kid? Is that real? No, sorry.

Okay, so my brother would make me do impressions in the kitchen. One of them was Aunt Mammy from Alabama. Your grandma? That's your grandma? Let go of Aunt Mammy. No, it was just a random fictional character. From what? Can you make fun of an Alabama Mammy?

Like a black up character, basically. Don't do that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I had no idea what a Bammy Whammy was and then I was like,

what the fuck? Right, because you made that up. Yeah, Alabama Mammy is something you made up. I don't even know what a Mammy is. I've never even heard

Mammy before. Oh, Mammy is a black You know about that black maid? But when you say my brother would make me do an impression of Alabama Mammy,

we're all like, what are you talking about? Meanwhile, it's a character that you created. Now not only am I craving a cigarette, now I'm craving Denny's. Moons over Miami. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't bite, but. All right.

I really don't know. But are you really adopted? Yeah. Then talk about that. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Like you said, your parents think you're a great actor because they think you fit in. I don't understand.

Like my mom was like, it's just like you're one of us, sweetie. Yeah. I need to work this joke out. Yeah. I mean, you need a little backstory. Like my parents never made me feel like I was adopted. They'd always say like like it just feels like you're really one of us

yeah now go take out the trash yeah like something bastard something that's like yeah did they adopt other kids too

yeah Juan Moore my brother Ray Juan Moore Juan Moore I know are you surprised they got that one

Jesus Christ. Did they have their own normal kids too? They had their own normal kids. Like ones that came out of vaginas and stuff? Yeah, my mom had three kids and then she adopted three more actually. Was there competition? Is there a reason? Was that for team sports, like three on three?

Why did she adopt three outsiders when she already had? Do you guys have a big house or something? No, no. My mom did foster care for a while. My parents are really sweet. My brother, my whole family is, like, not that sweet. But my mom is really nice. So that's, she just.

She adopted kids because she felt sorry for them. No, well, she. Okay, her sister died when she was really young. And she. Talk about that. She. You should talk about why you were adopted. Okay.

You know, the adopted thing is great, and then you can use that as a metaphor for everything in life, like how you don't, like, fit into anything. Cool. You know? So sorry. But lots of things can fit in me, because I'm adopted. I'm adopted. I'm adopted. Who is it?

You're fine. You just need to slow down when you're talking and pace yourself. You might just be nervous. This joke's probably just not that good. You should write it out and then have somebody say it back to you. Just have somebody read it to you

and then go, huh. Then you can hear how it's read. It just seems like you're just reading your jokes. You're not really performing them or remembering the story. This one sucks. What do you got for Rebecca?

You said you didn't go through puberty. What do you mean by that? I'd like to see that. It's just a joke. I'm like a 32A. Just so you all know. I never got acne, which is nice. But it's 50-50. Wait, what happened? You never got acne?

I never got acne, but I never got boobs. So half is good, half is bad. You never got what was the second thing? Boobs. Boobs. See, you're not speaking slow. You don't need them. Okay, yeah.

You're rushing through things, and you don't have to. That's where confidence comes from. Just pacing and being like, listen, guess what? Go fuck yourself. I didn't go through puberty. I didn't get acne. Guess what else I didn't get? Brits. Or talent.

Come on. Faberman drops the hammer again. I love it. He's the Simon Cowell of this. I'll take it easy for you guys. Simon. Hey, I'm used to that. It feels like you're part of my family.

I'm adopted, too. Are you really? Yeah. You're adopted? No, the highway he lives on was adopted. I adopted the highway. I kill it. I kill it.

Favreman rode into my killer. Very dirty. Very dirty. I kill it. Kill it. Save a Minn Road in Temecula. Very dirty. Very dirty. I was adopted, yeah, into a white trash Jewish family. Is that possible? Yeah, we ate

gefilte fish sticks as a kid. Shut your fucking mouth. That's part of the joke. Oh. I was once in a Jewish mafia. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I slept with the gefilte fishes. Oh. You know why Jewish people like America? Because it's a Jewish mafia. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I slept with the gefelte fishes. Oh. You know why Jewish people like America? Because it's a free country. Yeah. Stop owing. Stop being pussies.

Who's the O? That O's coming from the middle of the room, and it's coming in loud. That's like the grassy knoll shooter somewhere in there. There she goes. At Rebecca Rose. Thank you, everybody. Rebecca Rose. Vinagris.

What is that last name? You actually write the way that you talk because you can't really tell exactly. That looks like an A and an I. What is your last name? That's an O after that R? That's Italian for pussy. Vinagre. Vinagre.

Vinagre. Folks, you should see me live sometime. Much better live. We've had a lot of ladies up so far. That's exciting. Heck yeah. A lot of... Thank you, Amy.

That was sweet. Mentioned on Twitter. A lot of estrogen. And it's going to keep going. It's Leah Nauer, everybody. I love this. All these female comments. Sarah Tiana bringing that feminine.

Here she comes. Whenever I go to the gym, I always see these girls that are wearing tight booty shorts and full hair and makeup. and it's fucking ridiculous. So I wrote a poem about it. Stop it. Thank you. I'd actually prefer snaps.

It's more like a coffee shop. So, thank you. Thanks, thanks. I can't be the only idiot that thought the cursive D in Disney was a G, right? Thank you. Which spells Jizney. Which is a completely different production company.

Like, I'd like to think if Disney was a real thing, it'd be slutty Disney porn with cute pop princesses. I don't know. My favorite, though, is Beauty and the Beast because it teaches children not to judge others by their appearance and also that bestiality is okay. I think Beauty and the Beast had like the roughest sex and most

people would think that Wow. Very aggressive kitty. Sorry about that. Leah, you're great. Yeah, that's funny. I love the poem. The poem was great,

and then it kind of went a little down for me. Hey. Yeah, for me too. There's potential in the Disney characters, the names of them. Also, there's a lot of sex. Just because every Disney movie has a penis in it somewhere.

So the fact that you're not mentioning that, I'm waiting for you to mention that. There's more to it. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. More to it. Leah, how long have you been doing stand-up? Almost two years.

Where are you from? I'm from Philadelphia originally. How long have you been in L.A.? A little over two years. What's your address? We're asking for the Patriot. We're asking for the Patriot. We're asking for the Patriot. Oh, God.

Stock's another neighborhood. I remember seeing her before. You were on this show before, isn't it? Yep. Patriot remembers every girl. How many times a week do you get up on stage? I try to do at least three mics or shows a week. You should start doing five.

Yeah. Doing what? Five. Five a week. Oh, okay. At least. Okay. Because you have a lot of potential. Five a week? At least. Okay. Because you have a lot of potential.

It'll make you write more. Thank you. But you should also like... She needs longer sets. I like how sarcastic... Yeah. Longer sets would be helpful for you. Yeah.

Longer sets would be helpful. But also... Definitely sets longer than a minute. I wouldn't only do minute-long sets everywhere you go. What else did you talk about? Well, the last time I was on here, I talked about how I was a virgin until I was 20. I was waiting for love.

So I have a big chunk about that. What happened? Well, I had sex. Did they not like that one? I had sex. No, no, but did they like that one or no? Oh, yeah. Okay.

I thought so. Yeah. When did you finally have sex? Why? No, at what age? Oh, when I was sex. No, no, but did they like that one or no? Oh, yeah. Okay. I thought so. Yeah. When did you finally have sex? Why? No, what age? Oh, when I was 20. Oh, yeah. I'm 21 now.

Oh, my goodness. Yeah. So you've never been crushed before. What does that mean? I'll show her. Okay. Oh, yeah. Don't worry, Mike.

I got it. Come over here for a second. Oh, you got it? No, no. Don't worry, Mike. I got it. Come over here for a second. No, no. Don't go over there at all. And only come here once a week. If there's any advice for me as another female comic that's lived at the comedy store for 10 years. Yeah.

You ever thought about having a podcast before? Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Red Band, we found out she has a boyfriend last time. Oh, that's right. So what? Oh yeah, didn't you and your boyfriend perform that night? Now I remember.

Is he here? How's he doing? He's good. No, he's not. Is he here? No, he's not. Good, don't date a comic. I can't give you any more advice.

Go up five times a week. Don't date a comic. Not an unsuccessful one. He's certainly not an unsuccessful one. Certainly not an open mic-er. Hey, why'd you invite this cock blocker? Which one?

It always amazes me like I'll start dating a guy and then he'll be like you know, I've really thought about doing stand-up. I'm like, I won't date famous comics. I'm certainly not dating an open mic I'll just sit there and listen

whenever somebody says something like that to me I just get really honest with them when they're like hey I've been thinking about you're sort of an inspiration I've been thinking about doing stand up I'm like you're not funny don't do it you have such an innocent beautiful face

I think you're going to make it. If you continue to do stand-up, you're going to rock it and crush it, and we're going to work for you one day. But continue to make it smart. Definitely fuck your way to the top. Don't go the easy way. Don't listen to Sarah.

It's the biggest thing. Even the Disney joke is a little outside of your element to me. I like the idea of you being this, like your natural character being like this pure kind of person that's seeing like girls who try too hard at the gym and like i didn't have sex till i was 20 you know like in this day and age that is a long time sure felt like it how was your first experience did it feel like a long time the sex or the the waiting Did it feel like a long time? The sex or the waiting?

The waiting. How was your first time? Was it good? It was great, yeah. Was it good? It was. Romantic? Oh, that's romantic. Wow, then that's what also, yeah.

Did it hurt? You should talk about everybody. Oh, my God. No, don't answer that. Leah, I'm going to save you. It's also crazy because you're from Philadelphia, which seems like such a rough and tough city. I've been to Philly and it's like

crazy rough there so the fact that and like remember on the burn all those they were like having a big problem with pregnancy

in schools there yeah huge problem Leah go up more often during the week at least five spots a night go up five times a week

and dump your comic books unprotected sex Leah Knauer with a K K-N-A-U-E-R. Keep working hard. Five times a week. Totally eat it.

All right, your next comedian goes by the name of Ken Gar, everybody. There's Ken Gar. Ken Gar. Oh, wow. Here he is. Totally emotionless except for her heart. I was married for a while, but it was gross, so I quit. There's a lot of things involved in marriage.

I had a lot of rules. I had a bedtime. I don't know what that was about. I was 30 years old. And it wasn't like we talked about going to bed. She just shut the television off, and it was time for bed. I could never get off the phone with my wife. I hated that.

I'd be like, babe, I'm about to get on stage. Two more things. We're going to have dinner with Steve and Tom. And I'm like, who are they? Like, I always wondered, like, how many guys died at the World Trade Center because they couldn't get off the phone with their fucking wife. You know what I mean? Like, babe, a plane just crashed in the building. I got to go.

Just two more things. Like, I guarantee you they found at least one cell phone in the wreckage that had a text message that said, I cannot believe you hung up on me, you asshole. My name is Ken Gar, thanks. Bravo. Wow, holy shit. Where are you visiting from?

Chicago, I just moved here. But you've been doing comedy in Chicago for a while. Yeah, a long time. Wow. You can tell. I think it's great. I just think your example of what the wife says to you

instead of dinner with like Steve and Tom should be even, you can get another joke in there. Yeah, I was just trying to hit the minute. I totally get it. Do you normally say something else?

Yeah, I like, I'll kind of illustrate the two things. Yeah, I ran like, pick up growth threes and I'm like, babe, I gotta get going. I'm on stage, you know.

Yeah, I think even more specific than groceries or dinner. You know, like we're having sushi with, you know, something like specific. Because you can get even more jokes in. Yeah, like she's starting another conversation. Right, she's telling you details that don't matter

is what's annoying about the conversation. So when she's getting actual points across, that's exactly what would be efficient. But it's the fact that she's not getting only her points across, that she's dragging this thing on. We're having sushi at the intersection of Bobbity Bon, Bobbity Bon. With Stephen Thomas at 6.30 instead of 7. Remember that. That's next Thursday. Yeah, I checked the Yelp ratings.

Because the more that you blow that out of proportion of just being annoyed, it paints that picture so that that 9-11 pops even harder. Okay. Because then you're picturing this poor guy that's just like, oh, my God, this building is probably going to fucking cave in at any moment. Good for you to go there. Baby, I really got to go. You know what I mean?

Good for you to go there. Yeah. You should. It's great. It was good. Good perspective. I love 9-11. It's great. What was good. Good perspective. I love 9-11. It's great.

What's your Twitter handle? Is that your Twitter handle? Comedian Ken Gar? Yeah. G-A-R-R. That's it. I'm going to follow you on Twitter. I think you're so funny.

Oh, there you go. Comedian Ken Gar. Coming in, slaying. Beautiful. Great stuff. Thanks, guys. That's so refreshing, right? Seeing somebody just own, not even a minute, he just owned that shit.

Well, you get up and you start. No, like, hey, how you guys doing? No one gives a shit. Nobody cares. That's a classic. Get with it. Get started. Hey, put your hands together.

I think he was on last week. It's fun to have him back. Put your hands together for Skyler, everybody. That's Skyler. Skyler. At Skyler Comedy. Skyler. Deep in the gullet. So my grandmother has popcorn ceilings, and I was laying in bed staring at them.

And I did the only thing a sensible person would do is eat them. And I was laying in bed. I passed out staring at the ceiling. And I tried to avoid it, so I had to put my cup blanket over me. So I couldn't avoid it. And also, too, I was trying to hide from the monster under my bed. So, uh...

I forgot the joke I was going to do. Good, good, good. I just wrote it. Hold on. Alright. No! Okay, here we go. You don't have to. Alright, so I was going to run off with the monster in my bed like where the wild things are,

but I decided to tell my ex-girlfriend to stop hiding under there. Gone. Wow. He was done and the bear still wanted to chime in on that one. I think the funniest part about that whole thing was his first sentence. I was in my bed at my grandmother's house. Sleeping in my grandma's house. Then I lost it.

And you found that she had popcorn ceilings. The funny part is that you know what popcorn ceilings are. Yeah, I don't know what they are. What are they? They're the ceilings that have the drippy paint looking thing. Oh, God. That's what they call that? Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, why do you know what popcorn ce. What are they? They're the ceilings that have the drippy paint looking thing. Oh, God. That's what they call that? Yeah, it's crazy. Why do you know what popcorn ceilings are?

They do look like popcorn. They do? Yeah. They look like the bottom of the popcorn, not the top. I was getting really high and it looked like I could eat it. But nobody believes that you would really eat that. I mean, after hearing your set, maybe I believe that you would eat that.

Wait, wait. Sarah, what's the bottom of a popcorn? You mean there's like... You know like at the bottom of the bag, the tiny little crumbs? That's kind of what the ceilings look like. Not the top, though, which is the perfect... Popcorn is my favorite thing in the whole world. I literally carry around ranch-flavored popcorn seasoning

in case I go to a movie. I know. I don't have it on me now. I ran out. The white cheddar is better. That is so down south. If I had dill pickle flavor, I would bring that. Sarah is such like a little southern belle. Like we work together every day writing on the burn.

You know, like 12 hour shifts every day from breakfast to dinner. Anyway, she has a thing. She's such like a Southern chick that she has this thing where she'll pit. She pickles stuff. I don't know if you guys know, like you can like pretty much pickle anything by putting it in some kind of

pickle jar with vinegar or some shit. And it just turns it into a pickled, whatever she pickles, everything. It's like, Tony, I brought some pickled artichokes and a pickled, a pickled, some peppers I brought some pickled artichokes and pickled some peppers.

I got pickled pickles. I pickled a shoe. It's delicious. That's why I think these two should start hooking up. Me and Tony? No, you might. Oh, because of the cooking? Yeah.

Because we both like to cook? You guys look like a good couple. No, there's only one chef in the kitchen. There's something that's going on over here. There is. In all honesty, normally I always disagree with whatever Red Band says. But on this one, I sort of see some magic here. Yeah, I see kids.

You're like super clean and pure. And I'm a filthy pig. Yes, exactly. And you see, there you go. Pickle things together. I can tell she likes me because she's completely turned away from me. I'm just standing here. Oh, yeah.

We forgot you were here. Skylar, what do you think of the Iron Patriot? Are you a fan of his? I've seen you at a few of these shows before. Yeah, the Dirty Crabber is pretty good. The what? Dirty Crabber is pretty good. The what? Dirty Crabber. His band. It's the name of his band. You missed it because you were too busy at the photo shoot on the roof.

Now, was this joke that you were doing, were you supposed to be a kid in it, or are you supposed to be an adult in it? No, no. Basically, it goes, I'm staring at the popcorn ceilings, I eat it, and then I get an asbestos poisoning pass out. That's why I asked you, because the problem I have with it, no one's going I eat it, and then I get an asbestos poisoning pass out. That's why I ask you, because the problem I have with it,

no one's going to eat it just because it looks like popcorn. How are you going to get to it? You've got to really eat it. Do you eat it on mushrooms or something? What I remember last week, the big breakthrough that we found out, not from your stand-up, but by asking you questions, is that you live with your grandma. I mean, obviously you touched on living with your grandma,

but you ended it by talking about eating a ceiling. Which we're just like, oh, okay. So this guy is going to make no sense for the next 55 seconds. No, no. So what you should be doing is writing out a list of things that's goofy about living with your grandma. Instead of just bailing out. I don't think you took the note properly. I have those.

When you talk about living with your grandma, we don't mean set up with that. It should be a whole thing. It has to be believable. None of us look at a popcorn ceiling and go, I think I'll eat that. No one ever does that. Now, there's jokes that have make-believe things in them, but that's kind of believable or so silly, but eating a ceiling just because it's called popcorn,

that just makes me want to shoot myself in the dick. It's true. I think a lesson we keep learning is it's not good to confuse the crowd at the beginning of the joke. Very good, Patriot. I wish you would have learned that about 13 episodes ago. I'll take that note. I'll take that note. Skyler, there you go.

He's at Skyler Comedy. I get the feeling it's not the realist Twitter handle. It's more like at Skyler Drama. Okay, nothing on that one. It worked out earlier in something else. Patriot, how's it going? You hanging in there? If you had to guess who Sarah Tiana

is texting right now after showing up to the show late, who would it be? Mike, how are you doing? They keep on bringing it up. Should we just tell them? No. How fun. This guy has been getting a lot of buzz on Twitter, one of the big upcoming comics here on Kill Tony.

Pleasure for me to bring him up. It's the one and only Mississippi assassin, Eric Carter, everybody, is here. This lucky fuck gets his name drawn every week. Come on, Eric. Beat the trash up here. Yes, it is true. I am from Mississippi.

It is great to be in Hollywood tonight. It's nice to get a break from the meth lab. But now we're off the subject of that. I have a few grievances here I've had the past few weeks. I'm sick and tired on Facebook of living people using dead people to get likes.

Oh, shit. That did not go over like I thought. Fuck. I put more time into that one than I did last week. that did not go over like I thought. I put more time into that one than I did last week. So we're going to switch subjects. I know you're confused right now. You're confused. You're like, hey, he's from Mississippi.

He's talking about crystal meth, and he's got a matching belt, shoes, and jacket. And I bet y'all thinking I should be wearing camouflage. No, I'm not trying to hide from you. I find it dip and repulsive and I hate NASCAR. I didn't have a punchline either. Let's kill the minute.

Let's kill the minute. He said that on exactly a minute. Can I tell you something? The highlight of my night, and I'm sure that it's going to last this way for the rest of the night. The highlight of my night, right before I fall asleep tonight,

I'm going to go, what was my favorite part of the night? And it's going to go him just waiting for that punchline to get a laugh and just waiting for it. Oh, shit. I had patience, but it wasn't covered, so I had to bail out with the whole shit.

Just a good little southern phrase. Oh, it seemed like it really hit you hard. Like, you really thought... You're like, I'm just going to wait. They're going to get it. Oh, shit. Nobody got it. They bailed hard.

What was that again? My brain just eliminates horrible jokes when I hear them. So how did it go again? Well, it's just about people who are alive. They go on Facebook, and they'll go on dead people's Facebook profiles and say, rest in peace for five years, and just do it for likes, do it for bullshit. You knew they weren't friends.

And one thing I was going to say. Now you're getting into the joke finally. What you said before was the setup and you said oh shit when it didn't get a laugh the part that's funny about your setup is that like they're always saying rest in peace I've been watching he's been dead for five years you motherfucker or whatever

however you say things you know what I mean you've been saying that for five years or it's just when somebody dies like they write rest in peace and then some people like that. I think you should just lose the whole thing. Just lose the whole thing because I know too many people that actually their husband died and so they still use the Facebook to remember him by.

I don't think there's that many people that are just collecting Facebook likes for it. I don't know. I think you should dress up like a priest. I think it would be a good look for you Sorry fellas No I like the character The character is good the jokes have to be sharper You have a good character up there

Thank you I like your outfit better this week I kept the coat on I think the funny part Is when you apologize for jokes I think you should just keep when you apologize for jokes. I don't think you should keep, I think you should just keep writing things that aren't funny

and then apologizing. I honestly do. That won't be a problem for him. Yeah. Oh, shit. I'm sorry, y'all. Just fucking with your brother. Okay.

No, no, I'm not sensitive at all, man. I'm taking it. No, I like the character. Like, that's really funny. Like, that could be your thing. Apologizing for bad jokes. That are kind of funny, but, like, that are funny, but aren't, like... Well, give him a shot. I meanizing for bad jokes. That are kind of funny, but that are funny, but aren't like...

I'm a chad. No, no, no. That are funny, but in a laughy-taffy kind of way. You know what I mean? I'm sorry. Well, I mean, like Brody Heiser's jokes in her life. Positive energy, people.

Top five streets in Los Angeles. I always think of that one when he does that. Eric, people. Top five streets in Los Angeles. Saticoid. I always think of that one when he does that. I think of him. Eric, how long have you been in Hollywood now? Four months. Wow. How are you liking it?

It's fun. Anything crazy happen? He's still wearing those shoes with jeans, so he's only been here for a while. He changed his look from when he first got here. Oh, yeah? See, I rode from the beach that day. You rode from the beach? Yeah, well, I live in Orange County, so I was down in Laguna that day,

and I just didn't change from my beach clothes. You came from Laguna to... Well, I live in Dana Point. Oh, man. Wow. You have a lot of money? No, I just have a few rich relatives. I'm like the white trash of the family.

I'm Cousin Eddie. I just... Sounds like an Adam Sandler movie. Talk about this. This is what you should be talking about. So you live with your rich relatives? Yeah, we've talked about this a few times. We talked about it. I know they're probably tired of hearing about it, but since y'all joined us yesterday.

You think the same audience is here every week? I don't know. Jeez, man. That's not the first time he said that. I don't know! Definitely not. In the past hour. Do you want regular or unleaded? I don't know. Definitely not. In the past hour. Do you want regular or unleaded? I don't know.

Eric, keep it up, buddy. You're doing a great job. It's at CallMeEC on Twitter. Eric Carter, everybody. There he goes. The Mississippi Assassin. Fuck yeah. Well, uh...

Should we do one more? One quick one. We could do one super quick one. One more super quick. Jesus, somebody really wants to get up. Put your hands together for Demetrius Smith, everybody. Here he is.

Demetrius Smith, everybody. Here he is. Demetrius Smith. Oh, he's coming. Here he is. A little blind spider took the wheel. Alright. So I had to take my car to the shop, so I had to resort to the city car, LA Transport. So I had to take my car to the shop, so I had to resort to the city car.

They're like transport, you know. So I go to the bus stop, and I see this kid. He's sitting on the bus stop, and we're in front of a gas station, and this crackhead comes by, and he asks the kid, he says, you got a dollar I can borrow? The kid said, I don't have no dollar. Crackhead goes to the gas station. He comes back about two minutes later.

He said, said hey little fella you got a dollar I can borrow the kid said I don't have no dollar you ask me again I'm going to slap you with my economics book crackhead goes to the gas station comes right back he said hey you got an economics book

kid said no he said alright you got a dollar I can borrow that's like an actual joke that's a street joke Can you say no? He said, all right, you got a dollar I can borrow. That's like an actual joke. That's a street joke. That's a street joke. Do you tell a street joke that you got from a forwarded email? No, I didn't.

It's original. I did that one because he said go quick and submit it. That's true. Okay, that's respectable. You write a lot of street jokes like that? I write some street... I actually write jokes about my life, so I just kind of twist them a little bit. That's fun.

Yeah. Is that real? It's a long way to go for it. Yeah, it is. Street jokes are always an interesting thing because it's a long setup for one punchline, depending on where you... I mean, I've just heard that same joke a lot,

but with different props, so to speak. Did you? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, definitely. Got any grapes? Got any grapes? Oh, yeah. Okay.

Right. You know. Yeah. You have any raisins? No. Okay. Got any grapes? You know, it's the same joke.

You can't do that. It's good, though. It was fun. You know what? We needed something short to fill in 40 seconds. Is that true that you really had to take the bus? Yeah. I really had to take my car to the shop.

I really had to stop at the bus. And that's really what happened? Yeah, I just added a little bit to it. I just twisted around a little bit. He really did ask for a dollar three times? Yeah, he came. He asked for it twice. He came back. He asked for some spare change, actually. Oh, so he changed it. My favorite and then came back and asked for it.

My favorite part is that he said, can he borrow it? Like, who's going to borrow it? Is he going to give it back? Have you heard homeless people ask to borrow some money? That's what's funny to me because I've heard that. It's like, you're not going to give me my fucking money back. Right. Well, then why don't you talk about that?

Yeah, I would definitely acknowledge that if that's part of the thing. The fact that it's the borrowing. Because most of the time I hear, do you have any change? Do you have any change? Do you have any not? Can I borrow a dollar? This is a spare change. We're going to move on, though.

We've got to fly. Thank you, Demetrius. Great job. Great job. This is Demetrius on Twitter. This is the part where we get to our two regular lovely ladies that are here every Monday that we do every single Monday. Our two regular women. This Monday is no different.

Going first this week, you know her and you love her from podcasts like Kill Tony, Kill Tony, and Kill Tony. Put your hands together for Sarah Weinshank, everybody. All hail the princess. Middle school fucked me up permanently. I'm still angry for middle school. I was such a loser, you know. I got a chia pet at a thrift store, brought it to eighth grade, asked my teacher if it could be the class pet

and she said yes it was a lamb chia pet that's what I was into I wasn't even embarrassed I brought it in like it was a normal thing like can this be the class pet it's fucking ridiculous I always had a polo shirt with like stains all over it

pizza stains my good friend's screen name was Gouda Girl. She was like obsessed with cheese. She spat when she talked. We'd tie our shoelaces together and scurry about during recess. That was my reality. I saved a manatee. I saved all my allowance to mail in for save a manatee.

And then I was pissed because Gouda Girl and I both saved the same manatee. I saved all my allowance to mail in for save a manatee. And then I was pissed because Gouda Girl and I both saved the same manatee. And I was like, I thought I was going to get my own fucking manatee. Needless to say, I'm still angry. Needless to say what? I'm still angry. Oh, that's funny. You have such a funny delivery. You're so different.

Middle school fucked me up. Yeah. She's always very passionate about silly things. You have such a funny delivery. You're so different. Middle school fucked me up. Yeah. She's always very passionate about silly things. That's what I've noticed about her style. I just feel like in there somewhere you should be like, I'm glad that's all changed. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm glad I'm better now. Right. You know? And then, like, if you say she adopted the same man into you, like, I wanted to be an individual. Right. You know? Like, I think, like, that anger of, like, middle school fucked me up.

Like, in the, like, every, like, 20 seconds, you should have a beat. We're like, I'm glad it's different now. Yeah, but I'm not like... And when you get back to Buddha Girl, and she does whatever, I sort of, you sort of lost me on the manatee, but it doesn't matter,

because whatever she does with the manatee, that's the same as what you did with the manatee. There should be a callback, because that's so funny to the cheese part. Not only did she does with the manatee, that's the same as what you did with the manatee. There should be a callback because that's so funny to the cheese part. Not only did she do the same thing as me, but she did it with a block of Parmesan in her hand or something like that. You know what I mean? Making a callback to the fact that this chick for some reason is so obsessed with cheese. And like so gross.

So gross. I like your character. I think you should go a little more over the top. Yeah. I agree with that. Everything you do. You have one of the best deliveries. You have a character which is like, there's certain comics that have characters. Like Brody's a good example where he plays himself, but he plays it so over-exaggerated.

And you do such a good job of doing that, that it's really hard to pull off. Yeah, put it to the next level. 20% more, and it's a fucking firework. Yeah, you don't even need jokes you could just talk with good jokes and a character you'd be good and you're gonna get better

at jokes as you go on better jokes more jokes right but I don't want it to sound like I'm telling like cheesy jokes I'm trying to talk about

if they're funny it doesn't matter it doesn't okay when you're telling the truth it sounds like a joke right as long as you're still

talking about the stuff that you're passionate about, it'll always organically get punched up if you're doing a lot of spots during the week. And also, up 20% on the thing. Yeah, take a risk with that character. Also, if you're both saving the same manatee, that seems like a real... That's my manatee. It's my manatee.

I have a fat cow in the ocean. You get your own fat cow in the ocean. It's kind of like two girls wearing the same thing to a party. That's my manatee. Get your own cause. Do twice the amount of sets that you normally do when you're on your period. Stop it.

Patriot, did you have something you wanted to say? I got an impersonation I can do of Sarah. I want to do it right now. Me? Yeah, yeah. Which one? Weinschenk or Tiana? Weinschenk.

Okay. Oh, shit. Went to Rite Aid to get some Q-tips and a Twix. Q-tips and a Twix. Patriot, stop it. Left with a flu shot. Where's our missiles? Waiting to see if I get latent autism.

There she goes. It's Sarah Wine Shank, everybody. Bring in the thunder and the lightning. She's at Princess Shank on Twitter. Please follow her. It's always fun. Please follow her. I would totally follow her. Please follow her. Please follow her. I would totally follow her.

Please follow her. Not to her car, Faberman. Anyway. And as always, the other regular here. Put your hands together for her. It's Kimberly Congdon. Do some make-up today. But always stop by if you like me too.

Hey, guys. I want to talk about something that I'm tired of I'm tired of getting fooled And ladies you know what I'm talking about In relationships I'm not getting tricked anymore Because it always happens I start dating a guy

We're fucking doing cute shit We're picking filters together on Instagram And all of a sudden I'm like Hey my cousin's having a wedding And he's like bitch we're not dating You know like I'm like okay So, my cousin's having a wedding. And he's like, bitch, we're not dating. You know? I'm like, okay.

So I've been getting really suspicious. I went for drinks with a guy the other day. And we were drinking wine. I came back from the bathroom. And he had a brand new glass of wine waiting for me. I came back and I was like, that's so polite. Thank you so much. But it's also kind of rapey.

So he can't drink that. So I made him drink it and order me a new glass of wine. And I was like, what if he did roofie it? And I just drugged him. I'm going to get him back. I'm going to rape this motherfucker. I'm going to do it. I'm going to fuck him.

And in the middle of me raping him, I'm going to give him the good stuff. The stuff my mom taught me. And he's going to wake up and be like, tricked ya. There you go. Reverse psychology rape joke. Kim, you're back. That was great.

Thank you. You're going to roofie me. I'll roofie you. That's what's up. I'm about roofies. You could go more into that that I think you have to go you have to set it up more about like

the things that you're Instagramming like we're picking out filters like you need to describe more relationship things that you're doing and don't say the word

fucking in front of it because it sounds like you're saying fucking oh okay you know what I mean I gotcha we're fucking Instagram we're fucking

like that little beat sounds like two things and not one. I wanted to get into detail about how guys, like, want to date girls, and they do all this fucking cutesy stuff, and you, like, feel like you're together, and they're like, no, we're not dating. We're taking this so seriously. Yeah, but you need to really,

that's why you have to really amp up the setup. Yeah. Because then that makes him, if you ask him, and ask him to do something more simple than going to a wedding with you. Right. Because that is definitely like a dating thing. A little serious. Like, hey, do you want to go to a movie?

Whoa. We're not together. Right. You seem a little too sweet for a rape joke, too. No, she doesn't. Hold on, hold on. She could have the same content without being so abrasive about it. Because you have a sweet look to you.

And this word rape and all these other words coming out of your mouth doesn't fit your character. I feel like you should quit forcing rape jokes on us. You should quit forcing rape jokes on us. Ah, I like that. Didn't you say that last time you were on this show? Everybody does rape jokes. jokes like so sick of them like it's just so like you are smarter than that

like you're smarter than that and you're cute I thought that was a great twist on a rape joke I really liked it too so it depends on how you feel about it I sort of think that your innocent character plays into her being like oh I hope you didn't try to roofie me and then your confused on how you feel about it. You know, I sort of think that your innocent character plays into her being like,

oh, I hope you didn't try to roofie me. And, you know, and then your confused youth part of your character is like, you know what,

I'll show him. I think it's a fun twist. You're definitely going to want, if you stick with it, you're going to want to punch it up more on the back end. It's the mental questioning of,

I wouldn't have it in with that face. Who am I to think, who am I to think somebody would roofie me? Like, I'll just, like,

doesn't he know me at all? Yeah. There should be more questions in your head like, well, am I just an arrogant person to think that he has to roofie me? Or like, does he not think I'm strong? There she goes. We did it again. It's Kimberly Congdon at Kimberly Congdon on Twitter.

That's another fun episode of Kill Tony, everybody. Mike, what do you have that you want to promote that's happening? You got the show coming out? The Punchline, the boxing show, and I've got three other shows going to networks in January. Nice. Ultimate Outdoor Cooking. If you guys like outdoor

cooking, go to ultimateoutdoorcooking.com. That's right. And Sertiana, what's happening? Nothing. Awesome. Well, I'm at the Crest Theater with Joe Rogan December

13th is it the 13th and Youngstown Ohio December 20th and 21st I'm gonna be at the Funny Farm

Comedy Club I haven't been back home in five years and I'm gonna be there to say hello to my family I'll be on Chelsea next week ooh

December 11th in San Jose California we are having beers and I'm going to be there to say hello to my family. I'll be on Chelsea next week. December 11th in San Jose, California, we are having a Death Squad Holiday Dirty Show at the San Jose Improv with Brody Stevens, Sam Tripoli. Tony's probably going to be there. We're just going to have a huge show so make it up to San Jose. December 11th, San Jose Improv.

Thank you very much, guys. Thanks for having us. Bye, everyone. the truth.