KILL TONY - KILL TONY #27

Episode Date: December 21, 2013

Justin Martindale, Shawn Halpin, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Brian Redban – Date: 12/02/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. You have to check out DeathSquad.TV right now for our tour dates. We have this new Texas tour that me and Tony Hinchcliffe are going on, and we got some exciting news. January 9th, we'll be in Houston, and we're going to be doing a podcast first, and then it's going to be followed by a comedy show. They have a deal that you can get both tickets for a cheaper price. So if you want to see the podcast and the comedy show, we got some good surprises for the podcast. It's going to be a lot of fun. There's been talks of what we're going to do for the podcast, and I have some funny ideas. So it's going to be fun. So January 9th, we're going to do our first time we've ever

done this. We're doing a podcast and then a comedy show in Houston at Fitzgerald's. And you can go to death squad dot TV for the tickets. Then the following day, January 10th, we are going to be in Austin, Texas at the Spider House Ballroom. And not only is it me and Tony Hinchcliffe, we have a special secret guest. And that guest is Tiffany Haddish. If you don't know who Tiffany Haddish is, check her out on Arsenio. She's on Arsenio Hall, his show every Thursday. She did an awesome stand-up performance there a couple weeks ago.

She is fucking hilarious. So you're going to love this. And she's going to also be with us the following day, January 11th, in Dallas, Texas, at the Curtain Club. So it's going to be Houston, Austin, Dallas. Texas tour on sale right now at DeathSquad.tv. Also, don't forget ShopSquad.TV for the new Death Squad sticker and Kitty Kat limited edition t-shirt. And they are going fast. And I might have some more to put in stock, but I think this is almost near the end. So, go to ShopSquad.TV.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Yeah! Fuck yeah, everybody! Hi, how are you? Yeah, it's like a live audience in here. How's everybody doing? Happy Monday to you.

Here we are, settling in for episode 27 of Kill Tony. How exciting. An internet sensation. I think we have our first true internet star that we created, Eric Carter, this week. I saw your Twitter blowing up, right? People are going crazy. There you go. Hopefully you'll get picked out of the bucket and we'll talk about it in a bit. Fun weekend in crazy college football.

We're Buckeyes, Brian and I. Um, uh, fun weekend and crazy college football. We're Buckeyes, Brian and I, and, uh, most of you probably aren't interested, but it was crazy weekend, uh, on that side of things. So very fun. And, uh, what else, what else do we do? I was in San Diego. I got to, uh, open up for Joey Diaz. It was awesome.

Fun time. I love San Diego. It's powerful. Joey Diaz, truly one of my favorites. I'm working on creating an episode that we do at the Ice House so that we can get Joey Diaz and Joe Rogan on one

as the guests. We'll have to have that outside of the comedy store but that would be a great event. Both said they would do it also. Yes, they're both totally in. We just have to throw them a date and book that shit. I guess we're also in talks of taking Kill Tony on the road.

So if you are in a city that has a pretty strong open mic, tell your comedy clubs to get in touch with us because we've already got a couple places that we're starting. One's in San Diego, I believe. Yep, and rumors of perhaps... Texas, I think it was. Canada. Canada, oh yeah, Toronto also.

Could be in the making. There you go. There's some claps for Toronto. Claps for Kill Tony. As always, ladies and gentlemen, one of our favorite people in the whole wide world, our head of security here at Kill Tony. Put your hands together for the one and only

Iron Patriot, everybody. Here he is. He was only making some of those noises. The Iron Patriot, the superpower that he is. How's it going, buddy? I took it easy, Tony, this week. I watched the Cowboy game on Thursday. That was good. They beat

the Raiders. You're from Dallas, so that's exciting for you. Yeah. I wanted to talk to you on Saturday. I watched the video of Ice House Chronicles. I was looking forward to see that because I wanted to see Kimberly and Sarah on HD and I wanted to hear them talk.

But it was a crazy episode. You know, you were so close to not being creepy for a second. And then you said you wanted to see the girls in HD.

Yeah. You could see them in real life, which is way better than HD. Yeah. You see them every Monday. We're talking about

two regulars on this show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I had to wait a long time To hear Kimberly talk Because Brody was out of control I've seen Brody on 10 But this was Brody on 15 If you guys haven't watched this, you've got to see this

And I love Brody, I think his show is going to do good And I know his mother's having trouble She's in the hospital She's getting out soon He's talking about the great Brody Stevens, everybody. New show on Comedy Central every Sunday at midnight.

The first episode started last night. I just literally, I'm not even fucking with you, my butt vibrated. I just got a text from Brody Stevens himself that is just two emoticons,

a thumbs up, and a praying hands. So that's what kind of guy we're dealing with. That kind of positive energy literally just got that text from Brody Stevens, who has a new show on Comedy Central every Sunday night at midnight called

Enjoy It, one of our great friends. And he was a little excited on the Ice House Chronicles on Friday night. No matter how much attention you guys gave him, he needed more. He wanted you to pick his brain. You should have killed him like a cannibal, carved out needed more. He wanted you to pick his brain. Yeah. You should have killed him like a cannibal, carved out his brain, and then started to pick on him. What the fuck?

What the fuck? Wow. Yeah, but you had two good jokes that I liked, Tony. You had two real good ones. You said that you wish you got the memo that it was going to be the Brody Show, and then you also called him Tisexual. That was very clever. You like that you wish you got the memo that it was going to be the Brody Show, and then you also called him Tisexual. That was very clever. You like that.

Wow, you're literally quoting jokes from a podcast on Friday night. Yeah, I like it. You are a machine. Yeah, but I looked on the video. It was one hour and five minutes before Kimberly got to talk, and then she said two sentences, and it was right back to Brody again. How many times in slow motion jerking off did you watch those two sentences? No, you know I'm just friends with Kimberly. Come on.

What was the whole HD thing about it? Well, it's just I like to see people that are on the show with me, you know, going ahead and getting on other shows and stuff. Did you, like, pause it at all and stare at them or something? No, I just watched it. It was funny. I watched it to the whole end. It was great. If you guys get a chance, check this out. It was very, very fun to watch.

Because one of the crazy things that I remember about you, because I recently went back and listened to a lot of episodes, is at one point, Natasha Leggero was a guest on the show, and you said that you saw her on something on TV, and that you paused it at the right moment to be able to know that her left middle toe on her left foot, he noticed, curled in towards her big toe. And on the show, when you said that, she goes, what are you talking about?

She took off her shoe right here, and she's like, oh, my God, how did he know that? This guy looks a girl's feet so closely in HD, slow motion, DVR, whatever the fuck, that he told Natasha something about her foot that she didn't even know about. I actually saw her feet on WikiFeet. That website was Celebrate Feet. But the one you're talking about was that girl Jade. I saw a video of her walking on the

hardwood floor barefoot, and then I saw that tattoo on her foot. Alright. It got weirder somehow. Somehow it got weirder. There you go. When things get weird. You're breathing heavy under there tonight, huh?

Talking about feet, that's why. Should I tickle him? Yeah, you know, on Sunday was the Hollywood Christmas Parade. And I went out before the parade started, and there were a lot of people waiting on the street to see the parade. And the kids were just yelling for me. It was pretty fun. I mean, they were just all yelling out Iron Man, you know.

And I was taking a lot of pictures. It was pretty fun. Nice. Yeah. You sent us a song again this week. You've actually been sending us songs almost every week now. Oh, we're doing it again? Yeah, I guess so.

Well, I'm getting some feedback on Twitter that people like my quirky songs at the beginning of the show. How many more do you have left, though? You're going to blow your load. Well, once I get done with those, I got two other bands I was in. Are you serious? Yeah, I had a band I was in called Romeo and the Dreamers, and I had another band called Shame.

Wow. So you're a failed musician three times over. No, no. These are classic songs. It just wasn't the right time back then. I'm bringing them back at the right time. For those of you that don't know, he was in a failed rock and roll band. They're more like the B-52s meets like R.E.M. or something. Yeah, the Presidents. Whatever. It's like a combination of a bunch of mediocre bands.

It was during the grunge era. It was during the grunge era. And it was like B-52 style music. You can't categorize it, Tony. Come on. It's got its own sound. Well, it's happy. What he's saying, it's happy during a time of sadness. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When being sad was cool, you're like, right now we're going to attack with positive songs. Yeah, I grew up on the Beatles, you know. Literally, he grew up on Beatles. Yeah, yeah. All right, so let's listen to this song. They always seem a lot longer than they actually are. He repeats verses that, okay. My songs have three verses and three choruses.

Like, 99% of the songs written tell me. Oh, shit. Whoa. Here we go. The Iron Patri written, Tony. Oh, shit. Whoa. Here we go. The Iron Patriot, everybody. Get into it. Here we are. Episode 27. Yes, I'm a fool for you loving. Like every song sounds like that.

And I'm a fool for you crying eyes. Turn it up, bro. We'll go. woke up yeah, burned up well I woke up here last Thursday I was sleeping with a Bible by my side I was hoping you might tell me what it means to be loved Cause I need, need, need, need you

Cause I'm a fool for your loving And I'm a fool for your crying eyes Yes, I'm a fool for your loving Baby, yes I am, I'm just a fool for your loving. Baby, yes I am, I'm just a fool. Well, I'm sending you this postcard. Cause I'm hoping that you're coming on back to me. I say some things are gonna be different.

Some things will be the same. But I need to need to need to need to need you. Cause I'm a fool for your loving. Yeah, that's more than enough. There he is, once again. You know what, can I hear what that sounds like without him singing into the mic? So don't say anything into the mic, okay, Patriot? I just want to hear what the original track sounds like. That's you without the robot voice, huh? Yeah. It's very similar.

It's because it's him. Yeah, I don't know how good I did that. See, I was kind of fighting it. I don't know how good I did that. See, I was kind of fighting to sing it. I don't know. I mean, I don't know if I still got it anymore, Tony. That was 20 years ago when I sang that, so I don't know if I still got it. Oh, under all that armor,

it's just a big softie under there, huh? Yeah, he said I'm the head of insecurity. There you go, that's right. Yeah. There you go. It's a lot funnier when I say it, Patriot. Fuck yeah. Yeah, you know, I try my best.

I try my best. So, like, when you wrote that song, I'm guessing that's called Fool for Your Lovin'? Yeah, I've been a fool for love many times. The worst story I can tell you was back in 1998. I worked at a place called The Filling Station. I was a waiter. I was in love with this pretty little petite girl that was half Mexican, half white named Jennifer. Gave her $2,000 to move into a place and didn't even get to soothe on the couch at all.

Wait, you didn't get to what on the couch? Didn't get to do any soothing on the couch. Oh, wait. You know, you say guys are pussy whipped. This was even worse. I didn't get to what on the couch? Didn't get to do any soothing on the pouch Oh wait You know you say guys are pussy whipped This was even worse, I didn't even get no pussy I was just plain whipped And I was in love with this girl And she broke my heart

But I think everybody's been a fool for love at times Have you ever been a fool for love, Tony? No, definitely not Come on, come on He's not being honest with you Because I think we've all been fools for a long time. Yeah. Yeah. It's hard.

It's like women do this thing to me. You know, I just do whatever they want me to. Yeah. Wow. That is – so how long did you live with her? No, I didn't live with her. I was just – I was working with her at the filling station. And, you know, we hang out a couple times.

It might have been the cocaine. Wait. I tell you what, when you get a girl on cocaine, you think it's going to be good, but it's not good. It's not good at all. It might have been, huh? Oh, man. Wow. Yep.

Well, that's the Iron Patriot, everybody. You guys ready to see who our guests are tonight? It's always fun, always exciting. I'm so lucky to have so many hilarious friends, and tonight's no different. We always have two guests on. Put your hands together for this week's guests, everybody. You know them. You love them from things like...

Wait, who do I want to bring up first? I don't care. Oh, wait, that's right. Okay. But no, I have to think about it because then that decides who's next to me. What did we say earlier? Who's first? Okay, you know this first guy from Chelsea Lately and other fun things.

Bring it on for Justin Martindale, everybody. He's a paid regular here. He's a big deal on TV. And my other pal, it's Sean Halpin, everyone. The Texas Rattlesnake, one of my funniest friends. Creative mind. Hilarious. Here they are. They're both from Texas, everyone. Literally,ious. Here they are.

They're both from Texas, everyone. Literally, they are both from Texas. As is the Iron Patriot. Did you guys ever come across the Patriot before he became the Patriot? Yeah. When he was just a proud American? No. No, but I do love that song, though.

You like it? Yeah. I'm not from there, but I lived there for 28 years. That's what they all say. Justin, I did some reading about you today. Oh, did you? What did you read? Before we get this show started, I want to say some things.

You're from San Antonio. You started comedy in 2008. You came to the comedy store in 2009. Mitzi liked you so much, she made you a paid regular right away. Very impressive. Thank you. You opened up for comedy store in 2009. Mitzi liked you so much, she made you a paid regular right away. Very impressive. Thank you. You opened up for Whitney Cummings. You even went on a cruise and did some comedy.

Now, what I want to ask you is, sometimes you write for the fashion police for Joan Rivers. Now, what do you think Joan would say about my outfit? That you were the Iron Gaytriot. That's what I would say. Boom. Damn. Boom. Damn. Boom. Damn.

No, that was very impressive. Thank you for that Wikipedia. What did you read about Sean? Okay, Sean. I was listening to your podcast today, the Full Count podcast. Yes. And a particular episode took my attention. It was the one where you were talking about Motorhead.

Now, this guy, Lemmy, he's quite a character. He's got two words the size of garbanzo beans on his face. He plays the bass guitar like it's a rhythm guitar. He's lived in the same apartment for over 20 years in West Hollywood. Rent control, $900 a month. Now, have you seen this documentary? I saw the same documentary. Yeah, in 2010. It's a great one. And I learned a lot. Do you have anything else to add to that?

What was that? I love that you mentioned everything Justin's done in his career for the last five years. You start in on Sean and you just go off on a tangent about how much you know about Lemmy from Motorhead. What was that? That was interesting, Patriot. Did you forget what we were doing here for a second? Yeah, I just wanted to talk man-to-man about music. Yeah, it felt like we really connected right there.

Nice coin star you got here. Can I get a receipt for that? That would be great. That's the one thing you're missing, Patriot, is a slot for us to just dump our pennies into. Yeah, yeah. Have you heard of his band when you guys lived in Texas? Because, I mean, it was all over the radio.

Did you live in Dallas? Yeah, I lived in Dallas. You know, they just had the 50th anniversary of Kennedy being assassinated. That's what I heard, yeah. Yeah, Dallas is, if you haven't been to Dallas, it's a very historical city if you want to go see that. If you haven't heard of Kennedy, then you're... But were you there in the early 90s? That was when Dirty Crowder was big and Deep Ellum.

You've been to Deep Ellum? I know Deep Ellum, yeah. Trees, did you play Trees? We did. We headlined at Trees on a Saturday. That was one of our biggest nights. Yeah, we worked for several years to get there. Tony doesn't realize that I worked on these songs,

on songwriting for several years to give you these precious jewels that I play every week. These precious jewels. Yeah. Are you giving up for X Factor or anything like that? I don't know. I haven't thought about that. If you haven't seen him without the helmet on, I can tell you he has a great face

to be on The Voice. I can do without your sarcasm. He's really, really smart if you guys think about the joke I just said. That's me saying that he's ugly underneath the armor. He has a great face for The Voice. I didn't get anything, so I'm just making sure. I do like the songwriting skills, though.

If you've never written a song, just put I in front of everything. I went to the store and then I got some pancakes. You're like, this fucking song. I'm a fool for your loving. I broke my heart in two. I bet if we sat here for 20 minutes each with an iPad, we could find literally 100 songs that have almost those exact lyrics

in there, right? He's like, that's where I found them. Was Lynyrd Skynyrd one of your influences? Yeah, we got a little bit of influence there. I like that band. That Freebird video on YouTube, that's a classic video

Not the song, the video Well, just There's a lot of mixture in our music It's a combination of everything And then my own style Wow A little creaky tonight That suit's making a lot of noise over there

It's moving around Really getting deep You might be time for some oil A little creaky tonight. That suit's making a lot of noise over there. It's moving around. Really getting deep. You might be time for some oil. No, no, no. What is that? I like it's trailing off. Just no, no, no.

I'm trying to figure out what's going on next to me. Make a creaky noise. Oh, okay. We know. You're really good at them. Fuck yeah. So you guys know what we do here. And this week's no different. We've been over 30 comedians signed up for the opportunity to do a minute on stage and watch comedy magic happen.

And perhaps their own material or their own whoever they are and however it happens. A whole bunch of craziness. You get to see stand-up comedians. And then you get to hear us talk to them. So it's always fun. You guys ready to get this thing started or what? It's fun. I mean, I've been doing comedy. Let's do it.

I've been doing comedy with you guys for years. So I know that we all have fun opinions on different perspectives on things. So I know for a fact this will be exciting. For those of you that don't know, perhaps you comedians out there, you get 60 seconds.

At the end of that 60 seconds, you know your time is exactly up because you will hear the meow of a kitty. It's going to sound like that. That means to stop doing material. If you keep doing that, if you run your time, you're going to hear the sound of the angry West Hollywood bear. And that bear sounds extra angry tonight.

So you don't want to bring him out. So what do you say we get this thing started, huh? Okie dokie. Alright, two people are excited. It's all happening. Our front row is reserved right now, if you're wondering why it's empty.

We're expecting them to come in. A bunch of big producers and stuff. Cast a crew of Fast and Furious. Service industry people. Yeah, they made the reservation a week ago. It's the whole staff from the Fast and the Furious. I'm really surprised that they're not here. I hope

everything's okay. I wonder what they're doing. Yeah. I know they have a new movie coming out and everything. Anyway. Maybe like a preview or something. Anyway, your first comedian tonight. Put your hands together for

Skyler, everyone. Skyler. Oh, coming from deep in the corner. The farthest possible walk. Make an entrance, Skyler. Make an entrance. There he is. Skyler, everybody.

Wow, he made it. Not as fast as a Thundercat, that's for sure. So if you guys don't know this I just moved to LA and I did the sexiest thing you could do for women I moved in with my grandmother yeah I know it's weird

dating like living with your grandmother because I invited a date to watch a movie because that's all I can afford. And, you know, my grandma kept chiming in with like, hey, are you hungry? No, grandma. You want something to drink?

No, grandma. Then we started making out. She heard the noise. Do you want a condom? No, grandma. But, you know, I should noise. Do you want a condom? No, Grandma! But, you know, I should have taken her up on the condom because

asking her for a ride to the abortion clinic was a bit awkward. There you go. 53 seconds from Skyler. Now, I've seen you a couple times on this show, and I have to say that I'm excited that you're actually talking about living with your grandma, because I know that we found out after a couple previous sets that that was something in your life that we felt like you should be talking about.

So I'm glad that you're finally doing that. I like the fact that you're keeping it real and making a funny thing about something that's actually true to you. And so anyway, what I'm getting at is that I sort of like it a lot at that part where asking her for the ride to the abortion clinic. I would say something like because, you know, I should have taken her up on the condom because I think she might or I don't want her to end up being a great-grandmother or something like that, you know what I mean? I don't even know if that's funny right now, but... I like the flip that you did, definitely, though.

Because, you know, there was kind of like a little twist of the divorce, but I think the biggest thing is that how you presented it isn't how you would normally say it out of your own voice. Like, you'd probably say, be like, she would ask me for a condom, be like, Grandma! You know, instead of being like, almost where you me for a condom. I'd be like, Grandma.

Instead of being almost where you're acting it out. I don't know. But I guess that just wouldn't be my style of how I would present it. Because it seemed like you're telling a street joke almost. How early are your dates? Like seven? Why is Grandma up? Why is she up?

Make sure it's like 10, 30, 11 o'clock. Grandma should never be asking for condoms. I thought you were having sex with Grandma. I thought you were like my girlfriend. And then Grandma was like the Anthony Perkins and Psycho thing. You're like, oh yeah, my Grandma. You know.

Something along the lines of like, yeah, maybe you need to have later dates. Or start drugging grandma. Like, put her out. Right, something. That's great. And I was thinking when you said about the condom thing, when you said, and then we started making out, and then you could have the girl go, but I thought we were dating.

So it's like you're making out with a grandma? Just a suggestion. Or like you're making out with grandma and you look over and her dentures are just like right there on a table next to you or something like that. Or on your dick. Or on your dick. Like Sean says, when in doubt, just put it on your dick.

You know? But also, too, do you think in a minute set or whatever, to say abortion sometimes? Yeah, Tony, what do you think about that? Or you could change it to where she got pregnant, you know? Because if you're going around town trying to do showcases and doing a three-minute set and you say abortion. Right. And that's sort of what I'm saying, my original note about the getting out of that. I think, I don't know, I'm just not my original note about getting out of that. I think – I don't know.

I'm just not a huge abortion type – I think there's always – Tony's pro-life, everyone. I think there's – no, I'm saying abortion jokes, obviously. But I think the setup of him – the truth of him living with his grandmother is the setup. But when you try to be funny and you throw in the abortion... Then it's not real anymore. Right. I guess what another

route could be is she's already disappointed in the grandkids that she has because then it comes back on you. You know what I'm saying? The last thing she wants is you having a kid. Maybe she wants to end the spreading of the seed

with you or because you're sleeping on her couch in the first place are you are your parents still around yeah okay so what if like the grandma was the narc who went back to your mom and was telling about like all the girls that are coming

over and she's like rating them like one about all the girls that are coming over and she's rating them one through ten. She's like, oh, well, she was a six. Why is she a witch? That was my grandma voice. I don't know. Why does she have a gingerbread house?

Has this ever happened where you bring a girl over? No, I'm not stupid. It's just awkward. You've got to do it for material now. You've got to bring it in. Then you realize what really happens. And then you switch it to where it falls on you. And then you're not the bad.

Yeah. This way it's a win-win. You're not going to get laid, but you'll get a joke up. Because he seems like a nice guy. I don't see him blowing through abortions. Having to save money every month like a normal comic. Grandpa's coming in trying to

hit on her too or something like that. You should really start doing more things around your grandmother just for jokes. Start humping furniture and shit like that. It's true. Just put your dick on it. You get caught. Awesome. That's Skylar, it. You get caught. Yeah. Yeah.

Awesome. That's Skylar, everybody. Good job, Skylar. You still don't have a Twitter account? At Skylar Comedy. At Skylar Comedy. You didn't write that down.

You wrote down the word bombing. Did you do that? I try and write a new joke for Kill Tony. This is part of my set. Right.

So usually my jokes are more like this week. Okay, that's enough. Skylar, everybody, there he goes. Too late to explain yourself now, my friend. Heck yeah. How long have you been doing it, Skylar? Not long, right? About a year and a half.

Oh, wow, okay. Anyway. Anyway. Wow. Your next comedian. This looks like a new name. You said awkward. Bring your hands together for Carlos Escobar. Ooh la la.

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Ooh la. Ooh la. Ooh la. Ooh la. Ooh la. Ooh la. Ooh la. Ooh ride my ass like a horse in a saddlebag. How you guys doing? You mentioned you're a big Ohio Buckeye fan. Very cool, because we just had a college football rivalry game day yesterday. A lot of UCLA Bruins fans. I love that rivalries and their mascots come on.

They get all crazy, like the USC Trojans. They hate the UCLA Bruins. I attended the University of Phoenix online. Our mascots are the online predators. Our rivals are those bitches at the Maranello School of Beauty. We have a fight song at our pep rallies. It goes, we go to school to get our online degree. But when we're doing our homework, we get distracted by pornography.

Online predators fight, fight, fight. Thank you so much, everyone. Yeah, there you go. That's funny. First thing that popped in my mind, I don't know if this is too cheesy, but since they don't have a football team, maybe something like,

we don't go to bowls, we just smoke them. Something like, I don't know, online fucking. It seems like more could be added to it being so illegitimate instead of just hitting other things. Something about being in your underwear all the time. I don't know, that's what I picture when I hear University of Phoenix

online. I picture cankles and lots of tissues. Definitely lots of tissues. And cats. A lot of cats. A lot of open windows. More open windows than... Maybe you guys don't even go

to a game Like your game is in the chat room Or something like You just Heckle each other online And just talk shit online to each other Just back and forth Maybe that's it

Like the only sport that you can play going there Is chat roulette Snapchat or something like that You don't get grades, you get emoticons or something. Who does the best emojis? I went to Phoenix Online a long time ago and our song was

Dial-up. That's hilarious. There's a lot to play. That's a fun joke to play with. Yeah, you really went there, huh? I did. I graduated in March. I guess you don't really go to this.

Wait, you went there? I guess that's the one college you actually don't even go to. Yeah, they have campus and online school. Sounds exhausting. Yeah, but why would you even pick campus? You just pick online. Do you have to go to campus? That's why you do Phoenix Online.

I'm more online, I guess. I mean, I'm online. I'm more a hands-on kind of guy. That sounds crazy. Wait a second. You went to the campus? Then why do you go to a regular college? I have bad grades.

They have a campus for the online? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They have several campuses, right? Diamond Bar, they got one in... What's Diamond Bar? They have unicorns and shit, too? I've heard Diamond Bar. They got one in... What's Diamond Bar? They have unicorns and shit too? I've heard Diamond Bar. Did you ever go to the campus?

It's like a shit. It's an office building. It's like a storage unit. It's an office building. They just change the placard on the front. One day it's insurance. Next day it's a fucking school. Welcome to school, everybody.

It's a Diamond bar cabaret Are you sure the campuses For University of Online Aren't just like internet cafes They had a snack A cafeteria Oh shit I'm going That's what makes it legit right

That's when you know It was a microwave and the guy sold Sodas and sandwiches from a cooler. Really, they did. There was a riot on campus. Seven people got banned. There's so much material to thrive from. Play with it.

So where did you take your test? Just online? You never had to go in at all? Yeah. It was all open book or open Wikipedia. Can you just cheat like google you can yeah a lot of uh scribed.com yeah all you did is just get a scribe.com account and just what did you get your degree in uh business administration the future it's amazing how hard

like it makes me honestly just so jealous that i grew up when I did because I used to have to work so hard to cheat off of other people. And to think that I could have had an iPhone in my hand the whole time. Well, you used to do it on the TI-81, remember? You just sit there in that calculator and you had to write it out. I had to have sex with my teachers. Oh, wow. Did you really do that Yeah

No Get out of here Jesus Did any of you guys Get molested by your gym teacher Okay Thank you so much For coming

Carlos That's really funny Take some of that stuff I especially love Your fight song one That's so funny Yeah that was a good fight song It worked

Yeah It's great You can follow Carlos Or tweet at him At C-E-E Yeah, that was a good fight song. That's great. You can follow Carlos or tweet at him at C-E-E-L-O-S-E-S-C-O. Very, very good. Whoever your marketing manager is, you should fire them, Carlos. C-L-O-S-E-S-C-O. Or phoenixonline.edu. Does that say Carlos?

Yeah. Yeah, it should just be like carlisonline dot edu. I hate when people make Twitter things so complicated, but it could just be like Carlos likes pie. You will remember that way more than C-E-L-L. Anything you have to spell out doesn't make any sense.

And don't put numbers in it. He's in business administration, you guys. Is that what it was? He's being clever. Right. Try to stand up for him. When you guys started stand-up comedy, was there any joke that you guys had

that you can't believe that you used to say? I still say all those. Anything that pops in your head of, like, an old joke that you would never do now, but you remember doing it when you first started out? Oh, you guys were all perfect, huh? Yeah. I don't know. I'll have to think about it.

I'll think about it. I can't remember. I had a joke about gay people on their list. Oh, yeah? What was that like? How did that go? Yeah, Sean, how did it go? Gay people,

they always have that list. You're so silly. And I didn't know what that was until I found out that's the sounds that T-cells make when they leave your body. Should I keep that one? Should I keep that one too soon? Why did you retire that? That's so weird. Even after one too soon? Why did you retire that?

That's so weird. Even after World AIDS Day, how would you retire that? It opened up at the... I mean, it's December 2nd. Bring out the AIDS jokes. Do you guys have any jokes that you retired because they died and they just weren't relevant anymore? I used to have an Amy Winehouse joke.

I used to have a Christopher Reeves joke. Oh, I did one when Cory Monteith died. The guy from Glee? Yeah, I said I'd kill myself too if I was dating Lea Michele. Oh, that's like that kind of... You're like that gossip column writer. I have no idea what that joke even means. I was mad. I was having a dark week.

All the girls in here were like, what? Yeah, exactly. He did heroin. You didn't say that about Leigh Michelle. Yeah. No idea who that is. Yes, you do. No, you're great at that, though.

That's part of your stand-up style is knowing what people are actually into. Thank you, Tony. You are a topical guru i learn a lot of my information about what's going on just from walking in the back of the room during your set he really does yeah it's like a news report thanks so kim kardashian and khan you know what i don't really talk about them as much well i know i'm just saying i i still hate them but that new girl the one that just turned 18 though though? Fuck. The one Kardashian? That's not her name. Her name's not White Kardashian.

Oh, I thought you said the White Kardashian. Patriot, you into the Kardashians at all? Yeah, you know those young twin girls that are the daughters of the Bruce Jenner guy? Yeah, that's the one he's talking about. Kylie and Kendall. I saw them in Hollywood in my old Iron Man costume,

and I got to talk to them for a few moments. What? They were dressed up as Iron Man? In my old Iron Man costume, the one that I had the big butt. Why were they dressed up like that? No, they were there for some event, and they walked by, and I talked to them a second. I said, I like their show. It was just a small exchange, real quick.

Yeah, I'm sure. Did they try to mace you or anything and it didn't go through the suit? No. That's cool. Fuck yeah, Patriot. Are you sure it was them or was it just tourists? No, it was them because the mom was there too.

Oh, then she's a beast. Yeah. Patriot, I'm amazed that those lights never go out I charge them up every time I got the Duracell chargeable batteries It's a good thing Because 20 years ago I would have been spending a fortune on batteries

It's a good thing There you go Am I the only one who thinks he sounds like Pete? A little bit Pete? I could see that A little bit like? I could see that A little bit like Pete Here you go

Alright, your next comedian everybody Let's get to it Chris Jenner You're doing a great job over there Why does Chris Jenner look like Chris Angel now? Have you seen that guy? Fuck yeah We've had this guy on a few times

Put your hands together for Kenny Lyon, everybody. Yeah, Kenny Lyon. Oh, my God. I thought you were going to say Kenny Loggins. Kenny Lyon. Oh, there he is making a big entry. Yeah. Oh, triple axel.

What's going on? Kill Tony. Hey. I just want to let everybody know There's some horrible Horrible things going on in the world right now Eagles are dying Eagles are dying Windmill farms are getting

shitted on because eagles are flying straight to the propellers I mean how are you going to be the greatest symbol of this great country but you're going to act like a cunt what the fuck you can see miles away.

Somebody squealed. What's going on? Again. Again. Oh yeah. I think I'm done. There you go. You're right.

There's the sound of the cat. That makes it official. You were just going to keep doing that until it ended? That last part? No, I knew you guys have a minute. Well, I'm glad you came prepared. Yeah. There's some interesting thoughts in there.

They can't see far away that part should be closer to the front that should be where the joke starts I guess all that front end stuff before that you could trim all that but even then it's still sort of like a

I don't know maybe I'd like to hear what do you think the eagle's thinking when it sees an airplane? I think they're either getting fucked with the chemtrails or they're just going through some emotional stuff. Depression.

She's really depressed. Or how ironic would it be if an eagle flew into an American Airlines jet? You know how the government's been spending money on drones to spy on other countries?

We should put bombs on the eagles since they're trying to kill themselves. Is the reason why you feel so connected with eagles is because you both get extremely high sometimes? I was high when I read the article, so it was just

jokes are right in themselves. Were you reading the article right now? Actually, by the way, they don't write themselves. That's the part you're supposed to do. themselves uh that's what that's the part you're supposed to do they don't just write themselves it's not that easy um that's so funny i always i just like jokes that you know that personally affect you like how does that yeah it's observational but how how does it personally affect you? Electricity bills are going high

as fuck. I mean, and the windmills are supposed to make us go green and eagles are just fucking chemtrails. Why even argue with this guy? Fucking chemtrails. Black helicopters. I say you just commit to what you really have going on and that's fucking being stoned as

fuck and talking about like and getting lost in it and shit like that. I think that more paranoid route of saying that the government's killing eagles I don't even know what you're saying but it just sounds funny. Like a conspiracy conspiracy stoned out like just fucking

because you know I can tell you sort of know what's funny. So if you just go with it and roll... What's your background? Both of my parents came from Guatemala. Heck yeah, you had to think about that for a second. Where'd you grow up?

Here in Hollywood. Born and raised. See a lot of eagles here in Hollywood? I see a lot of trannies. Trannies? Talk about that! So trannies are your American eagle Talk about trannies walking into the windmills Trannies walking into American eagle outlets And not leaving because the music's so good

Yeah And they stay there It's a fucking party in here I got shoulders Fucking look at my dick But why wouldn't you Why wouldn't you talk about trannies I got shoulders. Fucking look at my dick. But why wouldn't you talk about trannies? You know, I do have one.

Because I love America. I do have a bit, but I don't get booked that often, guys. These open mics are starting to get a little too costy. Three bucks for some bullshit. What's three bucks? Rock's some bullshit what's three bucks rock paper you know marty's marty's is five dollars for five to eleven which is you know chemtrails i just got fired from

my job i got fired from ten dollar boutique man like oh my god you worked at that place yeah i was holding the sign iron patriot we saw each saw each other Weren't you on the boulevard? Oh, there you go Were you inside the store or you're out trying to get people in? What? You're in the store working No, I was with the sign, you heard me yelling I was trying to call you

You ignored me Wow Was that after you were on Kill Tony? Nah No. Was that after you were on Kill Tony? Nah. Man. You know it's good conversation when I get dizzy and almost pass out during it. I'm just trying to figure out what the fuck's going on. You're trying to connect

everything? I'm like grabbing onto Red Band trying to fucking stay up. I feel like I'm on chemtrails right now. Can we hear his tranny joke? Yeah, let's hear the tranny joke. I was not expecting to do this. You know, everybody,

it's just really, really, really ironic that a male comes up with these nifty tricks. Are you writing this right now? Well, the whole premise is that guys are smarter than women.

That is not true! Guys are smarter than women. Males are smarter than females. Basically, guys... The fact that no woman booed him, I'm appalled, women. Come on. There you go. Standing by. He's right.

Do you have any sisters... Do you have any sisters the age of 18 to 20? I have a sister, an older sister that's one year older than me. She's 22. How old are you? I'm 21.

Fuck yeah. Are you really or are you just saying that so you can be inside of this club right now? I've used up all my lies, Tony. There you go. Fuck yeah. Good job, Kenny. There he goes, Kenny Lyon. Fuck yeah. Good job, Kenny. There he goes. Kenny Lyon. Good job, Kenny. Fuck yeah.

Good job, Kenny. He always makes me laugh still. Yeah, totally. It's always fun to watch Kenny. I like eagles. Yeah. He talks about eagles. There is something there.

I can't believe that's our national bird in there. That's stupid. To fly in the plane. In the south, it's the mosquito. and they're that stupid to fly in the plane. In the South, it's the Mosqueda. I mean, the last national thing, what would be the proper... The last...

What do they call that thing? That bird? Like a national bird. It's like a... The albatross. Ah, fuck. What? Like someone said, symbol? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, fuck. What? Like someone says symbol?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. The last big American symbol to fly into an airplane was the World Trade Center. Next comedian, everybody. Usually World Trade Center jokes get a much bigger reply than that. You know, Tony Brody said you'd be ready for the Tonight Show in three years. I think you're ready right now. Patriot, the fact that you said

that right after the one joke that didn't go well in the past 45 minutes just goes to show me that you're actually against me. I believe in you, Tony. He kind of giggled a little. You're ready. That's hilarious. I just want to say, Tony, you're ready for the Tonight Show after that one.

No, I believe in you. I want you to take me with you when you go to the Tonight Show. Oh, yeah, I'm sure that I'll just cruise right through the x-ray machine with you. You need your security there. You have to take off your belt and hand me your cell phone. And also that 300-pound guy standing right behind you can't come in at all in a million years. Fuck yeah. All right, I pulled a name.

He's a funny guy. It's Sean Conn, everybody. Here he is. Give it up for Kenny Lyon, the man who disproves that men are smarter than women. Give it up for Kenny Lyon, the man who disproves that men are smarter than women. I love the Lord of the Rings and Hobbit movie franchises. My favorite scene is the one where my father tells me that he's proud of me. Oh, wait, I'm sorry.

That's a different fantasy. One of my best friends loves the Harry Potter. I'm guessing because he looks like the character Voldemort. Let me explain that. My friend is an albino. He's actually a black albino, which is the only interesting thing about him. Because that means he can sing the Ebony and Ivory duet as a solo performance.

He sings it like, Ebony and Ivory, because genetically he's a tragedy. Don't worry about me making fun of him. He's got a great sense of humor for Halloween he dressed up in blackface I mean personally I didn't know how to react

I mean who am I to judge him if he wants to pretend he's a real human being he has that right so I'm trying to explain to him why Lord of the Rings is better

I'm like one they swept the Oscars two their books are still the test of time then he kicks back oh but Harry Potter is the best selling book of all time

that's not true can I finish that the Oscars, two of their books are still the test of time. Then he kicks back, oh, but Harry Potter is the best selling book of all time. That's not true. Can I finish that? You can try. See what the bear does. Oh! There you go. That's a scary bear. Why does it sound like you're starting a car?

Jesus. He's ready for NASCAR. Sean, as always, extremely funny. I'd like to hear more about having an albino black friend. He probably gets to pick and choose when he's what. You know what I mean? I like hanging out with my albino black friend because he can sit in the passenger seat and I won't get pulled over.

You know what I mean? No, he's my white friend right when people call him what do you mean officer look at his skin color right when he gets called powder it's racist yeah his actual yes baby powder That's my name. Anyway. Yeah, that's interesting. That was good. I thought there was lots of... And I could understand you, by the way, this time. I think it's very...

Yeah, definitely. You were quiet last time. That's great. Huge improvement, blatantly. Night and day. But then when you... Which is also... Night and day is also what they call your albino black friend.

Patriot, where are you now? Fucker, I want to be on Leno, you piece of shit. No, I'm kidding. Anyway, go on, Sean. Now, when you talked about your dad saying that he's disappointing you, can you do an impression of your dad? He just sounds like a regular guy.

Not what I was picturing. Well, that could also be funny, though. You could say, I'm going to do an impression of my dad and you sound exactly the same and then afterwards you go, no, he just sounds like me. It's just me, but more angry.

That's really all it is. You seem like, from your look, I would guess that your dad is some type of fucking Aladdin, like purple robes and wizard hats and shit. I don't know. It seems like he'd be like a giant. Like he's Jafar.

Yeah, exactly. Is your dad Jafar? That's what he's wondering. Is it really? No. No. Are you fucking? His name's Jafar?

Jafar's a cartoon character. Well, that's what I was saying. I thought you said his name's Jafar. I'm like, I fucking nailed it. What? No, okay. Thank you. Yes what I was saying. I thought you said his name's Jafar. I'm like, I fucking nailed it. What? No, okay. Thank you. Yes, I deserve that.

His name's actually Mohammed, which is even more stereotypical. Yeah, okay. I'll take that as a win. Thank you. You got it. Mohammed Jafar. Yeah. Mohammed Jafar.

Oh, he's sitting on a carpet Indian style right now? Okay. Are you an online gamer? No. Weird. What's that mean? I don't know. When somebody gets up here and they're like,

so The Hobbit, and he's wearing a Hobbit t-shirt, I'm assuming he plays World of Warcraft. How does it feel? Don't take that personally. I play Final Fantasy, but not online. There you go. So Final Fantasy, are you in a league? No, it's just a standalone.

You're like a different kind of nerd. It must feel really good to be the buffest guy that's ever worn a The Hobbit shirt. That's not a girl. Yeah, right. Yeah, normally it's a girl. That's not a girl. You know the kind of girls that wear Hobbit shirts. They're not exactly the most fit.

They're a little bit thicker. It looks like they had a hearty breakfast. They're all very single, though. Very single, those girls. Oh, now you owe me? Women are stupid. Yay! Hobbit girls.

Hobbit girls are the cutest. They're the best. Yeah, totally. Nerdy, fun, they're into shit type of things. That's fun to me. They're into wicked magic. Well, if they're into that part, that's creepy. That's weird.

You ever do a magic spell on somebody? Maybe. That's the strangest question I've ever asked anyone, perhaps. I said that with a complete straight face. Like, hey, maybe you've done a magic spell before. Yeah. And I was sort of looking at both. Have you done a magic spell on anyone?

You're not even going to dignify that by lifting the mic to your mouth. I see how it is. Okay. I've casted a spell or two. Really? How'd it go? Yeah, I've played Dungeons and Dragons. You guys didn't play that shit?

No, I haven't. Keep it going for our one-person laugh track, by the way. to play Dungeons and Dragons. You guys didn't play that shit? No. Keep it going for our one-person laugh track, by the way. She's holding it down in the middle of the crowd. I absolutely love it. You've been there all night just firing it off. Give it up for our Coke dealer wherever he is tonight.

Sean, great job. Yeah, it was good. I'd love to hear more about an albino black guy. It's all good. I'd say stretch out. I'd love to hear more about an albino black guy. It's all great. I'd say stretch that part out. Something about like maybe, I don't know, all that stuff that I mentioned before.

Magic and your dad's Jafar. Yeah, I would talk about how you... Talk about your dad. Do you have a joke about how your dad's named Muhammad and like anything about that stuff? Because I think, I really think you give that type of appearance of... Aladdin.

It would be something that people would be interested in. I have such little stuff about my family. It's just like... I don't really talk about them. Right. Gotcha. Fuck yeah. Why not? There's something there then. Are they here?

I don't talk about them. It's all child abuse jokes that I have. I have a few of those. I'm not like Kevin Hart who had a fun family. It's just all depressing material. So they're probably not talking about you either.

Probably not, yeah. I look at Jaws and dropped it. Come on, everybody take it easy. Alright,. There you go. Sean Conn, as always, very funny. Still not on Twitter, huh? You're committing to that?

You don't think it's going to take off? The hundreds of millions of people? Someone should make him a Twitter account right now. It's true. Patriot, can you get on that? Yeah. Oh, shit. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy has become an internet sensation from this show.

I've been following it. I always think he's funny as fuck. I can't even believe we're lucky enough to have pulled his name yet again. Put your hands together for him. It's the one and only Eric Carter is in the house. An internet fucking sensation and a funny rising stand-up comic who just moved here a couple months ago

from the state of Mississippi. It's true. It's damn true. I've been living in California for two months and I'm originally from the state of Mississippi. And ever since I've been in the state of California, I've been confiscating a lot of man cards. Thank you, I needed that.

But if you don't watch football on Sundays, you hand me your man card. If you wear skinny britches, you hand me that man card. If you eat this fucking garbage called tofu, you just hand me that damn man card

Thank you I had a vegetarian joke But I just forgot it But anyways President Obama was here last week Make some noise you love him And he ran over a cat Eric first of all I owe you two man cards And he ran over a cat.

Eric, first of all, I owe you two man cards. I eat tofu, and I guess I just found out that I wear skinny britches. There you go. Justin gave you one man card. Do I need any more? All right.

Settle down. I don't even know whose card that was. I just gave it to her. I can't read. What does that say? Can you really not read? Uh-uh. Eric Carter!

That's a fucking prodigy. I love you. Are you serious? So all these people, this is what the funniest part of this is. I'll tell you right fucking now. These people on Twitter are going insane and he doesn't even know what the fuck they're saying. You're just retweeting

everything that people mention. You have somebody that reads it for you? Yes, but aside from that, I gotta get three shoutouts right now. And it's real quick. The high school I went to back in Mississippi. They're not listening to this. Oh, not the bear?

No, no, no. Be real quick. They're going to state championships. Eric, look. Look what you did, bro. Was that a wear? There's no shout-outs. They're going to football state championships. There you go. What's that, a werewolf? There's no shout-outs. They're going to football state championship.

There you go. What's the mascot? What's the mascot, Tony? Fuck yeah. Jesus. I didn't know that. I feel assaulted. Right after we find out he can't read, he gives his high school a shout out.

Yeah. I can't read. What high school did you go to? Just a quick shout out to them who didn't do a damn thing for me. The Hickory High Bulldogs. No, our mascot. The Billy Goats? I'm watching his fingers.

Okay. No, the high school I went to, they actually are the Bulldogs, but they're the Aggies, and they're going to state championship for the first time ever. Hell yeah. And I'm proud of those boys. They're good boys. I just want to give a shout-out, giving them some damn love.

Where are you from in Mississippi? Hattiesburg. It's 90 miles east of New Orleans. Wow. No, I can't read. I was just fucking bullshit. That was a joke. I actually got a bachelor's degree.

That's so weird. In history, poli-sci and French. Bonjour, monsieur. Je m'appelle Rémi. What's up? He's educated. Valedictorian. Je t'aime, monsieur.

Oh, all right. So I'm guessing that's your extent of French that you know. Since you had to get those last two words in. He went to French market for lunch. Yeah. Eric, what did you even talk about? Oh, yeah, the man card. Yeah.

I'd lose the football one. I like what you're doing. You can sell those Foxworthy-esque type of beats. That's what I was going to say. It's very Foxworthy. But I think that's right up your alley. Here's your sign. Stuff that what you're doing. You can sell those Foxworthy-esque type of beats. That's what I was going to say. It's very Foxworthy. But I think that's right up your alley. Here's the stuff that you're talking about. I'd say start with Skinny Britches.

Did this just go out? Did I just lose audio on this? No? Really? Tony, why lose the football one? I guess it leads into it, but I just don't... Hey, the Buckeyes fan. That was just a joke. Whoa! Was it?

That was a good win, Michigan. They went for the two. I just like it when your writing is in the actual picture. Like skinny britches. Britches. That's one. I remember britches. Britches. That's one. I think. I remember britches. Well, my mom's from Tennessee,

so I always get switched and all that. Switched and, yeah. Britches? That's when you pull a stick off and they switch your legs. It was like, switch it. You're a switch. You know what a switch is?

Oh, yeah. You got to go pick you out a switch. You got a straight pair. They beat you with a switch? Hell, yeah. You got to go pick you out of Switch if you got a strict parent. They beat you at the Switch? Hell, yeah. You got to go pick a Switch. Sean, you got Switched? You're from San Antonio, right?

I lived there, but my grandmother lives in Olive Branch, Mississippi. Oh, Mount Olive, that's where Steve McNair's from. I have no idea what you're talking about. Okay, no, it's south of Jackson. Justin's gay, which means that he got hit with the switch a lot more than you do. But I wouldn't hit you with the switch. Well, OK, I say I would hit him with the switch. All right. Now we could tell just because you said that, that that's not true.

Watch out. Look at look in the bushes on your way home, Justin. If you hear somebody start running.-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, start running. God, I do that every day. You never know. Anything else about Eric, guys? I liked it. I think you could keep going with it. Go with the tofu.

Go with yoga. You could do farmer's market. You could do... Wool hats when it's 90. I'm just saying I say yes and stretch it. I agree. I'm saying keep that keep an Eric Carter part of

it in there. Don't just have it be things. The reason why I like skinny britches is because you're mixing it with britches. If you're saying tofu I'd say instead of just saying if you're eating the tofu, whatever say eating the tofu, whatever, say, eating the tofu, whatever the fuck. Make it country.

If you're going to make it skinny bridges. Them white cubes of jelly, or I don't know. That tofu jello bullshit, whatever you would call it, I'd say keep adding that shit in there. Magnets on the icebox. Them sippy cups. S. Them sippy cups.

Yeah, sippy, sippy cups. You want to go to Titty Bar? He speaks my language, dude. He's dying right now. Dude, I say it like that, man. You old sumbitch. You old sumbitch. There you go.

But he reminds me of every high school football coach I have. Oh, yeah, totally. He's like a combination between a high school football coach and a wrestler cutting a promo, the way he looks straight out when he's doing his material. Like, you, if you're one of those guys, hand me your man card, and I'll see you Monday night. Madison Square Garden. Oh, yeah. I was thinking, yeah, with the promo,

it was like the worst used car salesman, like in the middle of East Tennessee. Yeah, yeah. Come down here and get a tractor. Yeah. With a little bit of like reverend, like Southern Baptist reverend in it, you can get a little like...

See? Like it would go, you preach your shit, God bless you. I hate you. We're going to pray for you. I love it. Eric, you're a destroyer. Eric Carter, everybody. Blowing up. I love it. Keep coming back.

Keep doing what you're doing. Keep writing. You're a monster. And he dressed up for us. Yeah, he always does. He's always well-dressed. He always dresses like he's going to church. He'd be a southern preacher in something. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. Patriot, you've been

watching Eric Carter for a while. Yeah, I think he has a lot of potential. The man card thing was good, but I think he needed something to really close it off strong. True. What's close? I agree. True. It was close. I agree. Do you have any ideas what that could be?

I was trying to think. It's a fertile ground out here. We're in West Hollywood. Fertile ground? Whoa. Fuck. Eric Carter is CallMeEC on Twitter. He's got a lot of fans.

It's very exciting to see that happen. Keep it going. Eric Carter one more time. Funny. That's always fun. This guy's interesting. Put your hands together for GT, everyone. GT.

GT. You know what that means. There he is. That's native. How you guys doing today, people? Yeah. I went to a family function over the weekend. Thanksgiving dinner.

And I found out that donkey dick runs in my family. Donkey dick. Can you believe that? I told my cousin Tony, do you have a donkey dick too, dude? He goes, no, dude, I don't have one.

Gary does. I was like, Gary? He has a donkey? He's shorter than me. He's got a donkey dick? Damn. What I found out over Thanksgiving dinner, that donkey dick runs on my mother's side of the family. Shit. I'm an entrepreneur.

I'm a business man. I'm an entrepreneur I'm a businessman So that's why I'm gonna be the first Armenian dildo model I'm gonna have my own dildo out there Saved by the pussy Okay Saved by the pussy Okay

Oh, what a weird Thanksgiving Donkey dick, huh? Now, what is donkey dick? Donkey dick? Yeah That's what my prostitute comedian girlfriend Called my dick She goes, you have a biggest

I've seen that That's like, you have a biggest... I've seen that. That's like, you got a donkey dick. So it's a large penis. I thought it meant it smelled like ass. It hangs down like... Oh, yeah. You come and it goes... Your girlfriend is both a prostitute

and a comedian? Yeah. Really? Wow. Yeah. What is her name? Can we give her a shout out? Do we get a discount? Yeah, you could.

Is she here? No, no, she's not here. She's working. She's working. She's out getting laid. Heck yeah. Wow. Which is working. She's out busting a real good nut Well I think that would be something to

I mean you don't really have to say that she's a comedian You could just I think you could go into along the lines of You have a prostitute girlfriend Who says that you have the biggest dick Ever She validated it. Okay, calm down.

How would she validate it? She put a tramp stamp of approval. A little circle with a little white check. All this time, I thought I was normal. I thought I was average. So this whole time you thought yours was average. Until she said, boom, I'm going to validate this shit. You have a donkey dick.

You have elephantitis, apparently. How would you think you're normal if you have an elephant dick? What is elephantitis? Like elephant dick? It's a little bigger than donkey dick. Two different sized animals completely. I used to work at the L.A. Zoo after I graduated from high school, but I've never really checked out an elephant's dick.

Well, you should check it out. It's everything. So I think something along the lines of that, like, you know, you have this girlfriend whose job is to just get plowed. And I think, like, you know, how is her vagina? Tasted pretty good.

Ugh. I ate her vagina. Like donkey vagina. Does she have donkey? It's really sensitive. It was really sensitive. Is it like throwing a hot dog down a hallway? Or is it like just... I mean, is it... She ate her vagina. Like donkey vagina. Does she have donkey? It's really sensitive. It was so really sensitive. Is it like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Or is it like just... I mean, is it... You went down on her? Like what is that prostitute's vagina? Is that just like a latex casserole? Just smells like throw up. And like Selena Gomez perfume. Ricotta cheese is coming out of it It's just like fucking Slow glitter drip

Like you want to have sex with her And she comes home And she's like Oh I put a hard day's work in Oh yeah Hey baby made a lot of money today Sweetheart I'm a little tired I'm going to bed

Is that a glazed donut between your legs? Oh, God! Come on, guys. I made her cum. I licked that pussy so good, I made her cum. Well, actually, I made her cum as well. So, I'm just saying. We all made her cum.

Well, I think that would be something to go along the lines of his dating a prostitute. I think that would be something to go along the lines of his dating a prostitute. I like eating pussy. Cool. Yeah, okay, very good. Heck yeah. That's interesting. But did that conversation really happen?

Even though I'm Armenian, I like eating pussy. Armenian guys don't like to eat pussy. They pretend that they don't like pussy. They don't eat pussy. Eating a prostitute's pussy is like that kid in grade school that would put his mouth directly on the water fountain nozzle all the way. You're like, why does that one kid do that?

He was a rebel, Tony. Would you rather lick a payphone or eat her vagina? I would eat out a prostitute over some bitch from a club any day. Half the time, those bitches from the club don't use condoms anyways. You know what I mean? You know what I'm talking about, man?

You are. Yeah, you lose yourself in that character. You're a poet among men. It's better when the real you is talking. You know what I mean, man? Yeah, whatever that is. Hey, man, give me your man card, man. Fuck yeah.

There's his act in a different voice. Give me your man card, man. Your Armenian card. Oh yeah, you are Armenian, huh? Yeah. Fuck yeah. You think that's an Armenian thing to eat prostitute pussy? Or is it just like you?

I think it's more Being Americanized I'm an Americanized Armenian Did you see how his voice shifted? All of a sudden he starts saying Being an Americanized Like he's talking to the guys from customs No I'm one of you guys And your Armenian friends don't like

Going down on girls I don't really have a lot of Armenian friends. Neither do we. I have some. But the taxi drivers? No. Ask them, do you like eating pussy? You should go up to them next time I'm down.

I'll bet you a million bucks they'll get angry. No, we Armenians don't eat pussy. Huh. Interesting. Okay, there he goes. There needs to be like a the more you know your bus will get angry. No, we aren't mean. It's only pussy. Huh. Huh. Interesting. Okay, there he goes. I feel like there needs to be like a the more you know that flies over your head. They're in the closet. You know, this guy's in the closet.

You know, they want to come out. You have to come out. Fuck yeah. Donkey Dicks. Donkey Dicks. Are we back on Donkey Dicks again? I'm ready to bust a real good nut. There he goes.

GT, everybody. Follow him on Twitter, at GT Music, is that correct? That's it, GT Music. GT Music. That's okay, one last sound effect. Why can't that eagle fly into a jet engine? Fuck yeah.

GT Music, but he does... GT Music, obviously he has a..., obviously has a second career that's going as good as the comedy. GT Music. He's a pimp. I'd love to hear one of those songs. You ever hear of GT's music? Is this a music guy, Dirty Crabber? No.

Okay, your next comedian goes by the name of Ori Amir, everyone Oh yeah, Ori Neuroscience, double major Oh, he almost dropped it Wow, this guy's got charisma Yeah, as you can tell by my accent I'm a neuroscience professor Slash model

And let me tell you can tell by my accent, I'm a neuroscience professor, slash model. And let me tell you, brains are so funny. I mean, have you ever noticed how grey matter is different than white matter? Me neither, I'm not a racist. And what's the deal with the cerebellum?

I like her sister, Margaret Bellum. So funny. So funny. My dream is to become a professional model and an amateur neurosurgeon. This way I can just cut brains for fun. Chug, chug. Left amygdala, right amygdala.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. I only practice neuroscience for the singing. So, my girlfriend doesn't appreciate it when I say, boy, honey, you have a really nice brain container. Though she dies. Don't hate. Fuck yeah.

Well, you're talking about what you're into. You're going to college to get a neuroscience... PhD, yeah? Yeah, to be a doctor of the brain. So you are there. Fuck yeah. There's just nothing funny about the brain There's a lot of funny things about the brain

And you're on to something The way that you start the jokes With a lot of excitement And then trickle away slowly As you get to the punchline That's something that's very You get right into it And then it's sort of just

I don't know It's a very like mad scientist quality right about it like it's like if dr frankenstein did an open mic like it's very like and i think that's you can go in a creepy route with that where it's like you know you have a girlfriend which i'm just amazed that's's incredible. As a neuroscience guy, I bet she gives really good head. You made that noise? No.

I went like, oh, it was clever. It's a neuroscience show. You think I do that on stage or something? That neuroscience show? You're just firing off those synapses, aren't you, Tony? So wait, what does she do? I think Brody was wrong. She's a swim teacher.

She's a swim teacher? Yeah, like a trainer coach. Like a lifeguard? No, you know, she trains the kids how to swim, basically. Oh, wow. You guys have totally different lives. You're super smart, and obviously she's a box of rocks. So you've got, yeah, teaching kids how to swim.

He's got water on the brain. Oh. There you go. See what he did there. There's something there. Ew. Ew. Have you actually done surgery on a brain before?

No, I'm not this kind of... How about a cadaver? Neuroscientist. I only scan them. I only put people in the MRI machine and look at my computer. So you're the guy that scares the dog shit out of somebody right before they're already

wondering if they have brain cancer or not. All of a sudden, they're already so scared they know they have to get their brain scanned. They know they're not feeling right, and then it's just you with that villain accent. What's the thing that you say to them right before they go into the MRI machine? Give us an example. But say it a little bit slower than you normally would.

And a little bit more German. Just like 20%. Don't worry. It will all be okay. Is that really what you say to them? No, no. What do you really say? Be careful. Don't put your hands together. Oh my God. Is this really how you say to them? No, no. What do you really say? Be careful.

Don't put your hands together. Oh, my God. Is this really how you do it? Yeah. Don't, you know, are you comfortable? Want to go inside? Have you done it? Want to go inside?

That's just second base. That's what that is. I think that's funny there. Like, if you, like, before. That's so German. It's almost like you're keeping a... It's weird when the patient's Jewish and you're so German

and you're like, hey, you should go inside the machine now. Everything will be okay. Yeah, I was going to say. Yeah, like that. Like going in. Right. With that German...

It's just a quick little trip, you know. Oh, good evening, patient Steinberg. You can trust me. It will slowly be tied down and go into this machine, and you will disappear for a few minutes, but you will come back, I promise. You can trust me. It may get a little warm.

You might smell something funny. That's just me farting in the other end of the... Or even like saying, like giving them, like, what you were saying about when you go in, like the last words they hear before they go into this MRI, just be like, I hope you believe in God. Or something like, oh God. Actually scaring them just to see what they do.

That's really what's great about what you're doing. Because that plays on... I can't be the only one that would be deathly afraid and sort of picture that moment of having to get a test run. And I think delving into things like that I was actually hoping to scan your brain sometime oh god really

is that true if I come by where you are can you do that I might so at UCLA let me know hit me up I'd love that I want to see what the fuck's going on yeah I want to see if it may die soon I want to see if my beliefs are confirmed and I have an oversized ultra-electric brain.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Let it get quiet. I want to see if there's cancer all over me. I've got that donkey brain. Yeah. The brain of a donkey. Fuck, yeah.

What if he combined it with Wizard of Oz and said, if I only scanned the brain, and it was somebody that got too late and died of cancer because they didn't get scanned early enough? Don't ever give advice again, Patriot. That is your one chance at each show. He's my lab assistant, actually. I love it. There he goes.

Ori Amir, everybody. He's on Twitter. Ori Amir. O-R-I-A-M-I-R. O-R-I-A-M-I-R. Ori Amir. He's got an interesting perspective. Can you speak French, Ori?

Nope. Wow. To think that there's something that he can't do that Eric Carter can. Isn't that scary? There's one little thing, but maybe it's just the five words that Eric knows. All right. So we are in our final portion of the show, making our smooth descent in. And every week we have two regulars that go on and are always doing a new minute.

It's always fun. We get to watch them grow every single week. Always a blast. It's no different this week. Put your hands together for your first regular. Her name's Kimberly Congdon, everybody! Hey! Hey, cuties! first regular. Her name's Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Hey. Hey, cuties. What's going on?

Four and a half months ago, I dropped out of college to do stand-up comedy. I did, and it was really scary because college is important to my family, and everybody's like, you don't need college once I came here. It's not important. You're doing production. It's but i disagree you know i think uh school had a lot of core values and like things they taught me you know like when you're in college they teach you responsibility like if your friend drinks too much you don't offer them more to drink

give them a bump of coke to level them out. When your friend's night didn't go as planned, you always have a plan B for her. Because you don't want her to get pregnant and fat. Loyalty. I don't remember that part of loyalty. Fuck! I don't know.

That's it. Thank you! There you go. That's it. Thank you! There you go. Smooth 55 seconds from Kim Congdon. 30 seconds of it was build-up, though. I was looking at the watches because I was noticing that you were telling a story. Yeah.

You don't need that much build-up or throw something in there. Yeah. What was it even about? Red band? I forgot. It's like everyone under your chairs are stones. People are telling me college isn't important and I was just saying the stupid

things that you don't actually learn in college. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are you happy that you dropped out of college? Yeah, fuck yeah Why? I'm excited about it Because I'm doing something I want to do

Without paying for it You know, paying for tuition and stuff Because there's no major in comedy And that's what I want to do Right So why would I pay to do something else? And you went to Florida? University of Florida.

Is there anything that makes that college different than other colleges? Yeah. Yeah. There's a few things. Like what? That make it unique. We had Aaron Hernandez,

who killed someone, which is fun. Allegedly. It's in Florida, which is a whole different thing. Did you go there when he was there? My first year, he was a senior. Did you ever see him on campus? Yes, I served him at my restaurant. Oh, I was like, what?

Served him? What restaurant were you working at? It was a place called The Swamp. It was a... It was like a hooter slash? It was a place called The Swamp. Jesus. It was like a Hooters slash. It was right on campus.

It was where everyone went on games. We all dressed up like slutty gators. Do you remember what he ate? No. Faw-faw-faw beans? No, I don't remember what he ate. You went to Florida. I did, yeah.

Tim Tebow was there. You mean Jesus? And I did, yeah. Tim Tebow was there. You mean Jesus? Nicole Smith died there. People do bath salts there. Trayvon Martin happened there. Casey Anthony. A lot of good stuff. A lot of really good comedy stuff there.

It's weird that tourism's down. Vacation spot, yeah. That's weird. Where are you working now? I'm a PA at Fremantle Media It's a production company And what types of things do you do for them? Well, today I almost ruined the company Cool

Let's talk about that Well, they asked me to do two things And I did one of them wrong And I almost shredded all of the production binders from all the American Idol shows. Wow. At least you didn't do it. No, I didn't do it but it was close. Now they're all

in one big pile loose leaf and I have to put them all in order from like 11 years ago. But I think it's okay because I'm only a temp so that just gives me more hours. Well, and who watches American Idol anymore? Just when you couldn't hate American Idol anymore. I know. You could have been a martyr.

Having to rebind all those things. But that's what's good about being a temp. If you're a temp, you could just go, oh, shit, and leave. You're like, dude, I fucked a lot of shit up today. Yeah, if nobody would have saw me, I would have just played dumb. She got like a call from The Voice. It's like, do it.

Do it. Just shred them. Christina Aguilera calls you. I know. That's why I'm up here. Yeah. Maybe talk about that. I don't know. The college thing, it's like just you're beating a dead horse with that because it's like,

yeah. College sucks. Hey, can I tell you guys something? I am the only member of Kill Tony that has a college degree. I graduated from the University of North Texas in Denton in 1991 with a major in radio, television, film, and a minor in psychology. That's why I can read people so well. I have an associate's degree. Tony, you know what's weird? I went to that same fucking school.

Really? The Mean Green. The Mean Green, dude. Oh, my God. Really? Justin, you went to University of North Texas? Justin didn't. I did.

Oh, Sean, I didn't hear that. Oh, good. Oh, wow. I went to a school called Baylor University. Whoa. Never heard of it. Never heard of it. Yeah.

All right, there goes Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Follow her on Twitter, Kimberly Congdon. Take that American Idol thing and do what Justin said and delve more into it about how you almost ended American Idol. Go back to Mar and shred all those papers. Yeah, and shoot Nicki Minaj while you're at it. Nicki Minaj? Oh, yeah, she is part of that, huh?

Well, she was. Good for her. And our other regular, as always, put your hands together for her. It's Sarah Weinshank, everybody. I'm an alumni of Chapman University. Patriot.

College degree. Thank you. Moving along. Just want to let everyone know, communications. Okay? Moving along rapidly. I'm tired of this pressure from society to be friends with my neighbors. I don't want to know them. Just because we live next door, I don't need to know your business, dude. Don't tell me you're getting a divorce.

Don't tell me the name of your kids. Don't tell me the name of your dog. Don't send your kid to my house to buy Girl Scout cookies. Don't ask me to jump your car just because we live next to each other. Don't make me a fucking casserole. I don't want to eat any pea of mushroom soup baked in a noodle. I'm not trying to know you like that. Just because you bring me a casserole now I have to bring you one because we live next door.

Don't ask me for the landlord's phone number. I don't have it. Your neighbor's cat is acting up. You fucking hate your neighbor. I like when she said the pressure. Like the pressure that you have to become friends You fucking hate your neighbor. Yeah. Okay. I like when she said the pressure,

like the pressure that you have to become friends with your neighbor. Yeah. It is true. Yeah. It does feel like that's something like Larry David would come up with, like the new neighbor thing. Now I have to give him a casserole. Like, that's funny.

But didn't she major in communication and that's the one thing she doesn't want to do with her neighbor? Oh yeah. There you go. You don't. Yeah. I doesn't want to do with her neighbor. Oh yeah, there you go. You don't, yeah. I don't want to communicate with anybody. Right. You sound like you love life. I do. Yeah.

Who doesn't want a fucking casserole? I want a casserole right now. Strange casserole's creepy. I mean, it's creepy if anybody gives you anything food-wise. I'm not into that, but if it's something that's slow-cooked, like in a bacteria pit, then that's even worse. With canned tuna. Is this a guy or a girl neighbor? Just any neighbor.

It's obviously a tranny, by the way. It's a tranny neighbor. Someone lives above me. Someone lives next to me. And if they live above you, that's still a neighbor, technically. So you just want to live in solitude yeah so you're walking to your apartment someone goes hey you want a casserole and you're like fuck you and you slam the door inhale cookies holiday cookies i do hate that i hate being friends with neighbors i'm not friends with my neighbors and i

have to i see them all the time. We live, literally, our doors are looking at each other. They fence in the back. They dress up like warlocks and shit. They're huge, huge nerds. Seriously, they renaissance all day long.

Like a ren fair. I just know my ex-girlfriend accidentally talked to one of them once. I'm like, oh great, now she is friends with them. So I broke up with her so I don't have to worry about that. I hate neighbors. I don't want to know

them because I think everyone maybe talk about how everyone's made that mistake of actually talking to a neighbor and then that's the worst shit ever because they won't leave you alone. Just open a can of worms. Oversharing neighbors that tell you too much. I hate when I have a girl neighbor and then that's the worst shit ever because they won't leave you alone. Just open a can of wine. Oversharing neighbors that tell you too much. I hate when I have a girl neighbor and we're walking down the hallway

together and then she goes to her apartment, opens the door, locks it real quick like I'm going to rape her. Like, come on. You're not that hot. And then I raped her. Am I right? That's just a deadbolt.

Now I have a powerful leg. Goodbye, door. I've heard my neighbors have sex, which is very strange because they were terrible. At sex? They were terrible at sex. You could tell what was going on?

Well, not position-wise, but you could just hear. It was just like... The moaning was really bad. It sounded like they were in their late 40s, early 50s. It's so good. Yeah. And I never saw my neighbors, and I was always afraid of what they looked like

because it happened so frequently that I actually started picturing what they looked like in my head. It's like a neighbor edition of The Voice. Yeah, it was the moan. It was the moan. And then Christina Aguilera turns around. You actually meet them as just two guys in wheelchairs. They're not even fucking. They're just trying to pick up

their cup that they dropped on the ground. And I'm like, they're totally having sex. And they're like, oh, I dropped my apple. My pudding cup is on the ground. My ear's up to the wall. I wish I had a neighbor that could come over here and help me right now. My battery's dead. I'm just like, this is so hot.

I can't breathe into this tube. All right, there she goes, Sarah Weinshank. Good job, Sarah. Yeah. She is Princess Shank on Twitter. Kimberly Congdon is Congdon with a C, and Princess Weinshank. No, Princess Shank.

S-H-E-N-K. And Kimberly Congdon with the C are two regulars. The Iron Patriot. You're at Comic Patriot on Twitter. Need to get a passport, buddy. Need to get a passport. There are rumors of Kill Tony going international and it is time to prepare. I'm ready to go, Tony.

Let's do it. Fuck yeah. Halpin and Martindale, thank you guys so much for being part of the show. What do you guys have that's coming up that you want to promote? You guys are on Twitter, you have podcasts. Twitter. The Full Count podcast on the Network Studios.

And I'm also at Twitter at Sean Halpin, S-H-A-W-N H-A-L-P-I-N. And I'm at Just Martindale. And I've got some stuff coming up soon. I can't really talk about it right now, but I do. You guys are two of my funniest friends. Thank you so much for being with me today.

Sacramento, December 13th. I'm at the Crest Theater with Joe Rogan. December 20th and 21st, I'm in Youngstown, Ohio at the Funny Farm Comedy Club. And yeah, some other crazy stuff happening. Come see a Kill Tony live sometime in Hollywood. Monday's free, 8 o'clock

in the Belly Room. And tell friends about this show, people. You're getting it for free. Red Band's nice enough to not play commercials before this. So go tell friends how much you love the show that you listen to and tweet about. And then you get your word of mouth advertising out there. And this way it'll always be

free. Brian. Death Squad, Dirty Show, San Jose, California, December 11th. It's going to be me, Sam Tripoli, Brody Stevens, and a bunch of other comics are going to be coming up there. Also, the new Death Squad sticker is at shopsquad.tv

check us out at deathsquad.tv thanks buddy