KILL TONY - KILL TONY #276

Episode Date: July 13, 2018

Jeff Garlin, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 07/09/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, thessquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes of Kill Tony both in video and audio.

We also have tour dates. If you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we record Kill Tony every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store, but we have a bunch of tour dates. If you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Not only do we record Kill Tony every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store, but we have a bunch of tour dates that are just being announced every day. We're going to be in Detroit. We're going to be in Indiana. We're going to be in New York. And we just announced that we're going to be at Just for Laughs this year,

both in Montreal and Toronto. And those tickets will go fast. So go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates. If you want to go get some merch, we got the new Kill Tony shirt that was just released. And you can go to ShopSquad.TV. Not only do we have the Kill Tony shirt, but we have a bunch of Death Squad merchandise, including hats and shirts and mugs. So check out Shop squad dot TV.

Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode and he just released a new five year poster. So check out Ryan J. Ebelt dot com. And of course, Tony Hinchcliffe has his website.

So everything golden pony, go to Tony Hinchcliffe dot com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony! Hey, this is Red Van, coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe! Hey, everybody! How's it going?

Make some noise, everyone. Come on. This is a real live show. There's Josh Martin. Hey, look, it's Brian Redband, everybody. Here we are. Five years and four weeks into the number one live podcast in the world. Ryan J. E. Belt is here. That's an official artist right there. All the great artwork at Kill Tony. Yeah, that new poster. He draws every episode. I just got my poster framed. I'm excited about it. Nice little yellow frame.

Got to hang it up. Oh, yellow frame. Yeah, it's fresh. That's cool. Yeah, you like that, right? It's good with that piece. It made him happy. I asked the frame guy.

This weekend, Kill Tony is in New York City for all you podcast listeners that listen to this live streaming right now on Vimeo and also they're going to listen to it very very soon we're going to be in New York City this weekend it's already filled up skank fest the next weekend though if you're anywhere near the Montreal

Canada area we are at the Just for Laughs comedy festival that is the 25th, right? That's the Wednesday night. And August 1st, we're in Cleveland, Ohio doing a Kill Tony. How cool is that? Cleveland rocks. Going back to our Ohio roots.

We do stand-up comedy the next day. Fort Wayne, Indiana gets their own Kill Tony on August 4th. We do stand-up in Lexington, Kentucky the next weekend. And then Kill Tony, Nashville, Tennessee. The long-awaited return of Kill Tony to Nashville. And then Lansing, Michigan

on September 20th. Grand Rapids on the 21st. Those are both Kill Tony and stand-up shows all in one night at big, giant venues. And then we close it out on Saturday in Detroit, Michigan with our guest Danny Brown. Part of the Motor City Comedy Festival. And then the biggest one of on Saturday in Detroit, Michigan with our guest Danny Brown, part of the Motor City Comedy Festival. And then the biggest one of them all, Toronto, Canada, the first place where we ever took this thing on the road.

We did a big old movie theater about – Yeah, it was so fun. Geez, almost probably five years ago. And we're going back to do a gigantic Kill Tony. That's on that Friday night, September 28th at midnight, I found out. How cool is that? A Friday night, midnight show in a gigantic-ass theater. That place is going to be

absolutely bonkers. I do stand up the next weekend in Chicago. I heard also there might be some breaking news pretty soon about an East Coast place. Did you get the email today? Yeah, that's a big one. Look out, East Coast. There's going to be some really happy campers We're everywhere this summer

It's true, and you guys get to see it at its home base Live at the Comedy Store Where it happens every single week You know what, I'm glad we actually mentioned that Because I want to say on the air For the people that just listened to the podcast And aren't on social media at all We do it every Monday

I get the question a lot like, hey, you're doing these things. Are you going to be back on Monday? The answer is eternally yes. We always come back except for the one time of the year where I go to Australia. All these dates we just gave are bonus Kill Tonys. Those are all just bonus episodes.

Yep, because they're still all happening on Monday here. Always plan your trip around us. How many people came from another? Who's visiting? Who's first Kill Tony's this? Make some noise. There's a few people out there. Well, that's exciting.

You guys are going to love it. And every single week I have one of my favorite comedians, one of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. I always have a different guest. But every week I always promise you it's one of the best comedians in the world. This week, absolutely no different. One of my true favorites, one of my best friends, and one of my favorites in the world on everything. Put your hands together for the great and powerful Jeff Garlin.

Curb your enthusiasm. Meet the Goldbergs. Jeff Garlin comedy specials from Chicago, Illinois. The great and powerful. This is his third or fourth time on the show. We love him. Make some noise for Jeff Garland, everybody. Welcome back, Jeff.

Thank you for having me. I am excited about a lot of things. I'm pumped. As am I. Yeah. A lot of things. I'm pumped. As am I. Yeah. A lot of things. Yeah? Yeah.

One of the things I'm excited about is that we have a band, and I'm excited to see how you... I'm not excited for the band, but... I think you will be. No, no, no, no, hold on. I don't know what to expect. Maybe I'll see him and I'll think, hey, I should have been excited.

Jeff, last time you were on, was there a band or was there a robot? Or was there a person dressed up as a robot? It was just a guy with a guitar, I remember. It was a dude with a guitar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The dude who just played. Yep, that was Patty Reagan. Yeah, all right.

Yep, indeed. He's one half of Reagan and Watkins. Purple Pumpkin, never seen it. Where'd you get that? That is Ichabod's bucket of destiny. You almost knocked the names out there. So that's as close as it gets. I've never seen a... Because you know I'm big into pumpkins and stuff.

That's where all the names are. There's a bunch of names. But where do you get a purple pumpkin from? I might have to pick one up. It was given to us from a gentleman who's been pulled out of the bucket before. His name is Ichabod. He lives in Los Angeles. Alright, let's take a step back. Yeah. His name is Ichabod. He lives in Los Angeles. Alright, let's take a step back. Yeah. His name is Ichabod. And he gave you

a purple pumpkin to deliver it on a horse. In a weird way, he sort of did. He came with his buddy, Uncle Ron, who had stuff all over him. He wears multiple shirts.

Alright, you just stopped the story. Now let's keep going. All right, I like it. So we never know what the band's going to do. They do different characters every week, and they improvise the entire... Someone does play saxophone, though, I see. So that's exciting.

Spoiler alert, for sure. So let's see what they do this week. It's the Kill Tony Band, the best damn band in the land. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Chroma Chris. It's the Kill Tony Band, the best damn band in the land. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, Chroma Chris. It's the Kill Tony Band. Uh-oh. Oh, wow.

Look at this. Oh, I love it. Definitely newscasters. Wow. That explains the music. Yeah. I get it. Wow. This explains the music. Yeah. I get it. Wow.

This is very exciting. Clearly some newscasters here. Can I say something? Yeah. I should have been excited. Because this is great. This is exciting. They're committed to the characterizations.

See that newscaster? Look at that. Yeah. I like the characterizations. Does he have a Gretsch there, that newscaster? Look at that. Yeah. I like the guitar. He's got it. It might just be an iPod headphone bud, but... No, I meant the guitar he has, the Gretsch. Oh, I gotcha.

Is that a Gretsch, Mr. Newscaster? Yes, it is. It is. Hi, everybody. That's right, Tony. We're live here on the scene. KTLA 5, Kill Tony Los Angeles, five years strong. Back to you in the studio.

Wow, I like this. I'm already a mega fan. I can't believe they were able to get all of Donald Trump's sons into a microwave at once to make this newscaster that's here. You can also catch that joke on crashing. I know, because I made that joke on crashing. Trying to help you out. Wow, thank you, Jeremiah. That's a great plug.

Fuck yeah, we have the return of my mother over there on guitar. I don't know how he got a wig of my mom's head. And then we have a Mexican Max headroom back here. Wow. Tony, I'm the weatherman. My name is Wet Bax. Gilbert Joel Jimenez is the weatherman. You guys ready to start this thing? We got newscasters, Jeff Garland, and a bucket of names.

A ton of people signed up earlier. If I pull your name out of the bucket, that means you get 60 uninterrupted seconds on this stage to perform. Anything can happen. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Ooh,

nice little mellow bear tonight. Alright. Yeah, and then we interview you and find out more about your life. What's going on here? Interesting to you. Now that's Ryan J. He's drawing tonight's episode. Every episode has its own... Drawing? Yeah. And then what happens with the

drawing? Are they submitted to local museums? They are all available on sale at ryanjebelt.com. And he also sells the Kill Tony poster. We figured it'd just be a cool way to give back to the arts.

Cool, right? It's all cool. Local comedian gives back to the arts. You guys ready for this? It's Kill Tony episode almost fucking who knows. 276. 276.

And your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Jacob Charmatz. Jacob Charmatz. Jacob Charmatz. Here he comes. Look at that newscaster play. Woo! Jacob Charmatz, everybody. Holy shit.

So, I'm 21, and I have to admit, I still go to the pediatrician. It's really embarrassing. The one good thing about it is, though, I guaranteed more than likely had the biggest penis size out of a group of people. I can admit that, that I still got that. You know, like I said, I'm 21, and, you know, what's also embarrassing is I cannot take a pill. I'm 21, and I cannot take a pill. To clarify, I can take suppositories, no problem. It's orally.

Orally, that's my problem. Thank you. Now, I know my time's wrapping up here. Naked and afraid. Naked and afraid. Have you guys ever noticed that what happens to all the raw, unedited footage? Where does that go?

My thing is, there's three guys in the editing room, two of them leave, one guy has a USB drive, plugs it in, looks, takes that shit home. That's take-home porn. Thank you. Here is Jacob Charmant.

Holy shit. I can't believe you're trying to convince us you're 21. This is very impressive. I know. It's breaking news, Tony. There's an Amber Alert in the West Hollywood area. What is happening? How did you get an ID that says you're 21?

I just got my ID, a full ID. I waited at the DMV, not a bit, for six fucking hours. We know you don't have bits, Jacob. Come on, don't try it now. I know. Don't you come at us after you're six. I know. You are the first person in the history of this show to use the line,

well, I know my time's wrapping up soon. I love the show. Any person that's ever been pulled out of the bucket in 276 episodes could have said that as their opening line. It's 60 seconds. Well, I know my time's going to be coming to an end here, but I'm going to push it to the limit.

Can I just say one thing, Tony? No. So, you're really 21? Yeah. Wow, this is exciting. Where are you from? Maryland. Oh, wow. This is exciting. Where are you from? Maryland. I drove out here two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago you drove from Maryland. By car. Do your parents know you're gone? The alerts are out. You'll find them. I don't know. What kind of car do you drive? Kia Optima.

You drove a Kia Optima across the United States of America? It broke down a day after I got here. I was driving to my work, and it broke down. What about the car? That's true. I broke down in the car. The car also broke down in the middle of the intersection, Culver City, four-way intersection. Relax, Jacob.

Relax. Relax. We don't need to know the crossroads. Anyways. This is exciting. How many times have you tried stand-up comedy before? This is my fifth time on stage, Tony. Fifth time.

Appreciate it. Good job. The people love you. They do? Did you just graduate from college? I went to this university in Towson. Amy Schumer went there. That's all I need to know. And I don't know what that means. Breaking news. Nobody cares.

That's why I said all you need to know. There was one lady in the back. I don't know if you all caught it. There was one lady that didn't realize she was going to be the only one. I dropped out after two years. Where were you studying? I was about to fail so I dropped out. When you were two years. Where were you studying? I was about to fail, so I dropped out. When you were two years in, right before you dropped out,

were you like, well, I know we're going to be wrapping up soon. I did, and they let me go no harm, no foul, and that's it. All right. Wow, interesting. Jeff Garland, what do you think of Jacob Charmatt? I think he's a sweet guy. Oh, shit. That's never good. What think he's a sweet guy. Oh, shit. That's never good.

What the fuck's wrong with you? I said you're a sweet guy. All right, I'm 56 years old, fucker, and I'm going to tell you something right now. Yes, sir. You, the world, as you can see by the fuckers who just talked to you, is a cruel place. So you need to be nice to yourself

and not assume the worst. That's my advice to you. I agree. I appreciate that. Yes. That's all. Yes. I am a piece of shit.

Let me reciprocate. Our top news story tonight, Jeff Garland donates his time to the Special Olympics. I just want to reciprocate real quick, Tony. I'm sucking dick here. I love Curb. It's a great show. You're great in it. Thank you.

What are you doing right now? You are misbehaving, young man. We do not do this to the guests. He's a nice boy. My sons are 18 and 22. I'm used to talking to people like you. And they're friends.

And I wish you great luck. Don't let anyone stop you unless you're not good. Then let somebody stop you. I concur with that. Jacob, tell us something else interesting about you. You're 21. You just came out of here a couple weeks ago. What's going on?

I mean, you seem like you're on, you seem like you're like, you know, trying to come out here and find yourself. You dropped out of college. I came out here for comedy. Yeah. Look at that face. That was good. I came out here for comedy. He said it. Just look at his face. Fuck yeah. Alright, keep going.

I should probably stop and I'll keep going. What the fuck, man? Does it again. I say you end it. He's filled with doubt. No, no, no. He's got too much doubt. I got a job.

I got an apartment. I flew in here first to look at apartments. What's a fun fact about Jacob that you think would win us all over right now? What's something cool about you, like a special skill or talent or something you've done in the past? Or be really vulnerable and share your deepest fear. You can do that too because people

like it. Because I guarantee there's somebody out here with the same fear. Unless it's your mom. I don't know. Too close. Well, fuck. I hate needles. Like, that's fucking something.

I hate bees. They freak me the fuck out. Bees are flying needles. Yes. Exactly. Joelberg is here. Oh, yeah. No, but... Take time to enjoy that.

No, I am. That was funny. It was funny. Just enjoy it. You never thought that before. No, I didn't. Neither did I. And maybe that's why I have the fear.

And I'm a comedic genius. I've seen a lot of comedy. It's not an excuse. I love, it was a great show. You always been afraid of needles? Yes. What do you do when you have to pee? I want that one, huh?

Little baby dick joke. Little baby penis? Needle dick. I think that's sad. I think your penis is probably appropriately sized. It's appropriately sized compared to... Compared to what? My bit.

My attempted bit compared to people with a pediatrician. My cock is pretty big. I know we heard the joke. You did it earlier. It got a suitable response. One you'll drop by the way just know as you move along let's say you're in year three

your best joke will not be there year four if you're doing good if you're not doing good and you're still doing your best joke from year three you're screwed that's a test to know Jacob you're a real lifelife 21-year-old, and you just performed in the main room of the Comedy Store.

Congratulations. You did it. Killed Tony, his fifth time ever on stage. He just shook hands with Jeff Garlin. There's the goat of handshaking. Play that again. You remind me of a young John Coltrane. Okay.

There you go. John Coltrane as a young man. Oh, shit. Oh, wow. He does that. Wow He can even play it on his own I have a real strong opinion I think George Michael was a genius

Yeah And I think anyone who slams him Doesn't know what the fuck they're talking about Amen Freedom, fucking fantastic And that's some sad shit and I think anyone who slams him doesn't know what the fuck they're talking about freedom fucking fantastic and that's some sad shit and you just melancholized me

I'm a melancholy motherfucker because of you man fuck you and your music alright go ahead Tony who's next I pulled another name out of the bucket and this name says Nick Castanola so here we go with Nick Castanola here he comes what's up folks

I am a foster kid. And if you're unfamiliar with the term, it means my dad's dead and my mom had no maternal instincts. It happened when I was 15, though. So I was kind of grown by now. So I'm really just foster light. Kind of sounds like a beer name. Foster light, taste of neglect. Jeez, I'm high.

I was too high to do this. This is a mistake. I know I just kind of glossed over the whole my dad dying thing, which, I mean, it's not a big deal. I had, like, stepdads, like, father substitutes. I can't believe it's not dad. And, like, they don't love you as much as they could, but they beat you the same.

Like having an unconventional childhood's not that bad. You don't realize it's bad while you're in it. I just thought everyone got locked in the closet. And that's not a euphemism for my sexuality or anything. I just had to make friends with the vacuum. Fuck yeah. Nick Castanola. I cannot believe we had two 21-year-olds in a row on this show.

He's 21 too? No, I'm kidding. How old are you? 21. Wow, holy shit. I held it. This place is nuts. Tony, he looks like if Wolverine was an orphan.

This place is nuts. Tony, he looks like if Wolverine was an orphan. I get that a lot, yeah. Hell yeah. Well, welcome. Have you been on this show before? Yeah. What happened last time?

The first time I did the hot chip, and the second time, yeah, I got humped. So you ate, for the audience that doesn't know, you ate one of the hottest chips in the world. And then you had to do comedy after. Oh, that's a great idea. Did you have a bad experience later that night? No, I got a pretty cast iron stomach, to be honest with you. I eat a lot of shit. Wow.

Is that from all the formula that you were given as a kid? No, I got... Your strong stomach base? My mom's breast milk was far more dangerous than formula. Drug addict. Is that Justin? That's correct. So, Nick, you're 21. Where are you from?

Orange. Orange County. Yeah. Yeah, from? Orange. Orange County. Yeah. Yeah, city of Orange, Orange County. Okay. Yeah. All right, cool. And how long have you been on stand-up?

About a year in. A year in. Did you go to college at all? Yeah, I go to Chapman, actually. Still in. Oh, it's a good school. Thank you. What do you study in there?

Psychology. How's that going for you? Good enough. Nice. That's a good major. Yeah. That's a good major. That's a good major for comedy, too. I think so. I like it.

Thank you. How old were you when your father passed away? I was a baby. I didn't know him. And how old were you when your mom put you into foster care? I didn't get put into it. The state did. How old were you?

15. 15 years old? Yeah, yeah. Sort of like a little late orphan. Yeah, yeah. I was pretty much grown. That's interesting. Fosters. It's Australian for sad. I didn't go to a group home or anything. I ended up living with a super religious aunt and uncle.

Oh, so you got raped a lot. Oh, come on, Brian. I was 15. I could fight off a rape at 15. How come the only low-hanging fruit you ever consume is on this show, Ryan? I can't eat fruit. Okay, so you're 15 and then all of a sudden

did you already know the aunt and the uncle? Yeah, yeah, I know them. Right. And they were cool? Yeah, strict. Real strict. Compared to foster kid parents, but yeah, strict. What was the most strict thing about them? What would they make you do that... No phones in the bathroom.

What? What would you... Yeah. Yeah. Because they thought you would jerk off. Yeah. No. No. And so... So all you had was your imagination.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. I think that was a good job for them. Because you're better at sex without yet using porn to learn. Did you know that? Imagination makes for a better lover. Yeah.

Ryan J. Ebel draws his women. So did you ever sneak the phone into the bathroom? They never checked my... It was a shitty rule because they didn't... It was never like, hey, let me check your... I took it in there all the time. Right. And jerked off.

Yes. Religiously. What was your favorite category of porn? What do you look for? Face fucking. Face fucking. Wow. Hell yeah.

Like any good foster boy You know what that is? That's when you basically I mean it's in the title, Tony It's not a blowjob Do you know what that is? It's an aggressive blowjob Have you ever gotten to do that in real life?

No, I couldn't Yeah, I can't It's an aggressive blowjob. Have you ever gotten to do that in real life? Has anyone ever? No, I couldn't. Yeah, I can't. Do you ass to face suck fun? Okay, do it. Ass to face? Try it. Just try asking.

Just ask. Let us know what happens. That'd be great. Yeah, all right. Nick, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy? You're 21. What's hip with the kids these days when they're from the orange?

I smoke a lot of pot. That's lit. What's something you love to do after smoking pot? Go to Target. I like going to Target. Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah. Why do I like going to Target. Really? Why do you like going to Target?

That's an awesome answer. Why do you like going to Target? Do you not go to Target? I just go to Target and walk the aisles. I take pictures with people in Target. They say, what are you doing here? And I go, look at me. Target, let's go. It's great.

It's like a small city that you can just roam around in. I hope I see you sometime in the city of orange Target. I've not gone there, but I anticipate that in my future. That's worth a road trip. Oh, absolutely. And that's why I asked him why he goes to Target or what he does there. So much. Yeah.

By the way, Target, there's nothing you can't do. It's delightful. It's just unlike Costco. You can't Facebook. There's no samples. So you don't get the food samples at Target. That's what Costco has over Target. And also, when you buy toilet paper, it's six to a package as opposed to 400 at Costco.

So those are the slight differences. Because Costco is delightful too, but it's a lot to take. You've got to be hungry and you've got to have room in your garage. Jeremiah Watkins. You've got to have a garage. This just in. Sad famous man visits local

Target. By the way, by the way. Brings joy to locals, but still remains sad. Hold on. When I go into Target, I'm full of melancholy, man. I am just sad. What time of the day do you go? Whenever they open.

They open, and whenever they stay open. I go between the hours of when they're open. No particular time. Not the same time as you, Nick, you creeper. Can I say something? Yeah. You know what's amazing about you? First off, it was very brave of you to right away get into a terrible childhood history.

Boom. And it's hard to accomplish that with one minute you're not going to so don't be hard on yourself later you know what i mean but that was really really brave and also what's astonishing is you seem kind of together it's weird because generally Because generally, people who have your past are in jail. Or they're someone that other people want to be in jail. Like, why can't this person be in jail? So look at you. I think you should applaud yourself tonight as to accomplishing something.

Thank you. At 21, you're a very calm, grounded guy. Thank you. I appreciate that. I know how to talk to the young people. Yes, just compliment them. I don't compliment the local newscasters. Oh, here's the turn.

Young people, I do, but not the young thing. Broadcasters. Everything he said is funny tonight. It's funny. Oh, yeah. He's a monster. Jeremiah Watkins on the KTLA News Force. But Nick, definitely talk about that stuff.

Beat out all that Target shit and talk about your religious, you know, just all that stuff. Talk about what's unique to you. Yeah, exactly. If they didn't let you take your phone into the bathroom, you have to talk about that stuff because everybody wants to hear about it. And by the way, them being strict, not a bad thing, man. You need something later on as a man

to rebel from, to grow from, man. And so them having you in a tight type situation, fucking fantastic. I don't think I'd be doing comedy if it wasn't like that. Right? That's right. Nick Castanola, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Instagram

at NickNickComedy. Jacob Charmatz is JRCharm on Twitter. The little social media shoutouts that the listeners can find. My, never mind. No, I have an Instagram account, so if people want to follow me, it's very exciting.

Jeff Garland? Just Jeff Garland. There it is, Jeff Garland. And so when you go on there, you enter the world of Jeff Garland. You decided to skip the Twitter, right? You don't do the Twitter? I was on Twitter, had a lot of followers. I went even to Twitter in San Francisco.

And they took me through everything and they said they appreciated me being on Twitter. And then when I got hundreds of thousands of followers, I thought, how long until I say something wrong? Yeah. And I closed my account. Yes. Because at least... Oh. I don't know what that means. I don't know what it means either.

That was an angry bird. An angry bird? Yeah. Oh, because the Twitter logo is a bird. Oh, okay. It's all about tweeting. One lady fucking loved it, Brian. Yeah, one lady got it.

When you have trouble sleeping tonight, remember that one lady. When you do comedy, you hope one lady gets it. That's the key to it. That's the stairway to success. Up next, after this, Brian Redman explains sounds. I pulled another name out of

the bucket. You guys having fun out there? You get it? This is a good name. It is a good name. You want to read it? Ladies and gentlemen, this is their first time on the show because I would remember this name. As I always say, I love one-word names on this show. Put your hands together for Hoffie. Hoffie.

Here comes Hoffie. Coming up to the theme from Hoffie. Make some noise for Hoffie, everybody. Come on. Oh, man. When I was in high school, I had no friends, obviously. And so I used to come home and I'd be like, Mom, Mom, everybody hates me. And she was like, Justin, don't be ridiculous.

Nobody hates you. Why don't you go back to school? Show everybody how good you are at beatboxing. Yeah, obviously that didn't work, right? If you don't know what beatboxing is, it's when a white kid goes to a party and ruins it for everybody else. So it didn't help me get any friends, but instead of coming home and being like, Mom, everybody hates me, I came home and I was like, Yo, ma, everyone still hates me.

So yeah, they kind of... Oh, thanks. Thank you, thank you. I was like, make me some picky, picky bagel bites because you're my only friend. Put your hands in the air if you're my only friend. I listened to hip-hop a lot when I was growing up. The good stuff, like Biggie and Tupac and all that. But my mom used to listen to it with me because she was my only friend.

So she used to, like, turn my heroes against me. One time I was crying because a girl broke up with me, and she was like, what would Big Papa say? There you go. Hoffie, everybody. The end of that joke is so good, too. Oh, that wasn't it? No.

Okay. How much longer? Okay, go, go. All right, so she was like, what would Big Pap that wasn't it? How much longer? She was like, what would Big Papi say if he was here right now? What would Biggie say? And I was like, fuck bitches and get money. I don't know if it was really worth it. I don't know if it really was.

For those of you who don't know, he turned around and goes, the end of that joke is so good. Alright, alright. All right, all right. Hoffie, let's start off by saying welcome to the show. This is your first time on, right? This is, yeah. Hell yeah.

Your set sounded out of everyone tonight like it was the one written by a 21-year-old. Yeah. Welcome to the show. Thank you How long have you been on stand-up? About five years in Boston I just came here five months ago Five years in Boston

You've been here for five months You moved here full-time Yeah Did you do stand-up? Yeah Did you do anything else? Not currently, no What about job-wise?

I'm retired You're retired? What are you retired from? Real estate investment Real estate investment Nice Real estate investment. Nice. You invested in real estate in Boston. Yes.

That's incredible. You've got money put away? You fucker. Oh, that's so cool. Do you know I've never... So, I've been doing this for 36 years. And, you know, I was a young comic and had day jobs, like a bunch of them, like crazy shit.

And let me just say something to you. Never occurred to me that somebody could do it like independently wealthy. That's like, you fucker. Wow, that's awesome. You got no excuse. I know. Yeah. And by the way, he's good.

I agree. How old were you when you retired? 34. 34. Oh, time to take a step back, though. Yeah. How old are you now you retired? 34. Oh, time to take a step back, though. Yeah. How old are you now? 34.

34. It's time to stop wearing the backwards baseball. Yeah. I'm from Boston. I'm from Boston. Don't say that. Boston's a great city, and I know many a fine gentleman from Boston who does not partake in the baseball hat in an adult nightclub.

No, you don't need a haircut. And by the way, the young bald man would be thrilled to need a haircut. Keep the fucking hat off. At least if you want my respect. Do you always wear the hat? You seem very defensive about it.

Lately, no. No more. No more? Father, you can keep it on now because I'm sure you're not pleased with what's happened. Take it out for a second though. Wow. Fucking Tom Cruise over here. Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, that's so gross. No, no, no, yes. Look, everybody loves it. Yes. Enough with the boy shit. You're an independently wealthy fucker from Boston who's doing stand-up and kind of has a good rhythm. You wear a hat, you're a fucking idiot.

All right, so you choose. Is your future filled with being a fucking idiot or a fucking gentleman from Boston who's going to take LA by storm with his money and his bank. And this is also groundbreaking. I just got some news.

You are the first ever beatboxer to not have a backwards hat on as of right now. Once you took it off. And by the way, you're going to make a lot more friends this way. You think so? Oh, I know so. Think of the people that are going to want to talk to you with your hat on backwards. Douchebags.

So what I'm saying to you is keep it off. You'll get a better class of person when it's forward. But without it, nice people. Good people. People you want to associate with. Just saying. Am I wrong, Tony? No, you're right.

Hold on, is there something in? Breaking news. Jeff Garland has been associated with a truth bombing. He's still at large on the scene. Still a suspect of the crime. Wow. So you're 34. You're retired. What do you do for fun? Other than stand-up comedy.

I like to go to the beach and camp and stuff like that. Go out in the woods, trip on mushrooms. Do you have a girlfriend? No. No? You go on a lot of dates. Keep the hat off. You'll meet the ladies. He doesn't need to meet the ladies.

Because the ladies who like a man with a backwards hat are fucking idiots. The ladies who like a man without a hat, delightful. This is what I'm telling you, man. I agree. This is LA. So whatever Boston shit you were saying to me, in LA

the good women like you without the hat. Even if you're bald, they like you without the hat. What's your dating life like? He just got here. Nah, look at this guy. He's a retired 34-year-old. I know.

He's a handsome dude. Your beard is well kept. Look at you, you fucker. How about dates? Have you been on a date since being here in L.A.? There's somebody. Oh, there's somebody you're interested in? Yeah.

I hope it works out. Where'd you meet her at? Love sucks. Met her at the comedy store. You met her at the comedy store? Run for your life. Yeah. Do we know her?

I think you guys do, yeah. I was thinking of that one comedian's name. I can't remember it. I thought he was going to say he met her at Lids. Probably. He met her at Lids. Come on. Yes. Probably. Sorry. I'm saying it now. He met her at Lids. Come on. Yes. Yes.

Oh, that's not Lids. Yes. I love it. You bought gas. What do you think of bees? When you're out taking mushrooms. I just want to. I started comedy because it was on my dad's bucket list.

He had three years away from retirement, and he passed away before he could do anything on his bucket list. And the very first thing said... Yeah, keep going. By the way, use the music. Yeah, yeah. Keep going. So the very first thing on his bucket list... Keep the music going, just not as loud.

Okay, go ahead. The very first thing on his bucket list said, try stand-up comedy. So I was just originally trying to cross it off his bucket list because I was going to do everything for him. But you dug it? But I fell in love with it, yes. He fell in love with comedy. Wow.

It was like a gift from your dad that he left behind for you. From beyond the grave, yeah. And your dad wouldn't want you wearing a hat. He wouldn't. Forgive me for being so forward. He would be ashamed. Yeah, he would. Well, not ashamed.

He just would go, don't. Yeah. He wouldn't be. She's proud of you. Probably. There you go. That's a special shout out to your dad. This podcast is downloadable in heaven, so hopefully he's listening right now. That's fucking Hoffie. I know. That's Hoffie.

No hat Hoffie. No hat Hoffie. There he goes. It's Hoffie, everybody. We met him. He's on Twitter at J.A. Hoffie. Or J.A. Hoff 84. Oh, yeah. I love just the little blow at the end. That was awesome.

By the way, everyone you do. I'm actually more like a young Ben Webster. Just saying. That's a reference only us hip jazz cats know. All right, keep going. That's a reference only us hip jazz cats know. All right, keep going. Who's next? We're going to have a young lady up here. Does up here.

Put your hands together for Kristen Lundberg. Kristen Lundberg. Here she comes. She's jumping over the railing. Oh, we know her. Here she comes. Hey! Hi, my name's Kristen Lundberg.

I dye my hair red, so when I get out of the shower, I look like a used tampon. It's actually very high class, you know, because tampons are expensive. I know I used to roll my own. Put a little tobacco in there. So one time I was at an airport and my tampon string was hanging out. And a lady in the McDonald's line said,

hey, your tampon string's hanging out, so I pulled it and it exploded. I'm from Dayton, Ohio. Clap it up if you know me. Dayton, Ohio is the birthplace of aviation. We invented flight so we could get out of Dayton. There you go, Kristen Lundberg. Fuck yeah.

Aren't you adorable in a crackhead-y sort of way? Thanks. The Weasley family has fallen upon hard times. Enough said by a weasel. Wow, okay. Kristen, over here. How's it going? I'm in Rome.

Breaking news. You're what? You're breaking news? Back to you in the studio. Kristen, how's it going? Breaking news. You're what? You're breaking news? Back to you in the studio. Kristen, how's it going? Yes, sir. Are you always this energetic? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, like, I'm an ice sculptor. Oh, my God, that's right. You are a sculptor of ice. Yes. We have a sculptor of ice. Yes. We have a cute story tonight. Local sewer rat learns how to sculpt ice. I've had a good life, man. I live good for a sewer rat.

How long have you been sculpting ice again? I started in Chicago like six months ago. And I started here like two months ago. Wow. Look at that. So you're able to pay your bills just sculpting ice? No, I do

waitressing on the side. Any vegans? Is it really a vegan place? It is. Wow. That's interesting. I saw one of her ice sculptures before. It was actually really good. It was a swan.

Is that true? It was a swan. A swan. Was it a black dude? No, actually. I dedicated it to a guy who used to work at the Laugh Factory in Chicago. His name was Schwan. So I was right.

But I sculpted it, and then he died, so... Kristen. What? Okay, you're a wild one, so I'm going to ask you this. If you had to tell us what's the wildest or craziest thing about you, what would you say that it is? Well, I have a long history of sculpting and I used to sculpt for a toy company

as well. I don't know if that's really wild. I think you heard a totally different question than what I asked. That's pretty impressive. That might be a first. I don't know. What do you want? I was molested. What?

Strangely enough, Kristen's one of the non-orphans on tonight's show. You had both parents growing up? Yeah. That's fun. What did they do? My dad is an engineer, an aerospace one. It's pretty much like ice sculpting. Yeah, he used to do welding.

My uncle's a welder. So they were both kind of into it. They would trip out and make sculptures together. Oh my god. Where do you... So the place you waitress at is an independent sort of just little

vegan family owned restaurant type of thing? Oh no, that's a big deal. No, this place is huge. My gosh. It's called O-Lock. A-U-L-A-C. What's the most delicious thing on the menu that you would recommend to someone that's like, I want to eat meat.

I don't know why my friend brought me here. All I want to do. Wait, wait, wait. Who's this character? It's an angry guy dragged to a vegan restaurant. And where's he from? Like Ohio. Okay. Yeah. I came to

California. I've been flying. I've been traveling. All I want is some fucking protein. You took me to this vegetable spot with this crazy ass waitress. Seems like a fucking psycho. What's your name? It's taken her forever to get the water. She has a goddamn chainsaw in the back with a block of ice. What's your name? It's taken her forever to get the water. She has a goddamn chainsaw in the back with a block of ice. What's your name?

Billy Pool. Billy Pool? Billy Pool. I went to high school with Billy Pool and that's basically who I'm basing this off of. My brother's name's Billy, for real. Wow. Okay, so what would you recommend? Oh, what would you recommend for me? I want some meat.

Alright, little bro. Let's get the fuck out of here, guys. This place fucking sucks. I would recommend the curried rice, but not for the flavor. It comes out shaped like a heart. Wow. Wow. So you're not good at that job either. Fuck yeah.

A sad story tonight. Local vegan shops shuts down. Let's talk about your stand-up comedy for a second with Jeff Garland. A couple of thoughts. Number one, you're very warm and likable. Your hair is like a good thing. So here's what you need to do. You need to dress in a more, because

you're pretty fucking wild in your appearance, you need to not have a dead gorilla on your shirt. Because it's distracting. What I'm saying is wear something like solid. And you know, just be more, by the way

because you're not a conservative person, dress a little more conservatively. Go against the type. And then also, and this is fucking huge, fuck the tampon jokes. What are you doing with strings and McDonald's and things? Now, by the way, I am not a comedian who feels that women comedians can't talk about tampons. But if you're going to talk about tampons, tell a story that really affects you that's funny, not some bullshit you're making up to shock us with tampon shit.

I have more. I have more. I don't want to hear the one you have. But listen. They're very unique. They get very in-depth. Do you have listening skills? Yes, I do. Do you find yourself writing a tampon joke like once a month? Yeah.

Ooh, fireworks. That's my favorite sound effect. But listen, and I don't know shit, so you don't have to listen to me if you don't want to, but I'm just saying that you are dynamic. You don't have to play up physically being dynamic. Does that make sense? Yeah. You want

the audience to focus on you. Not on a big... You don't have to move wildly. You don't have to wear shit. By the way, I'm sad for that gorilla though. I'm pro. I get it. He's from Cincinnati. I'm from Dayton. I know. That's close by. Cincinnati is a horrible place, though. I want to say I get it. He's from Cincinnati. I'm from Dayton. So I like the little group. I know that's close by.

Cincinnati is a horrible place though. I want to say that to all your listeners. Dayton I like. But listen. Seriously the tampon shit. Only talk about tampons if it means something to you. If it doesn't mean something to you shut the fuck up with the tampons.

Because it's really so fucking bad. And by the way, I see potential in you. I'm just telling you. All right. Thanks. There you go. There you go.

I think that's absolutely great advice. And there you have it, Kristen Lundberg. You're absolutely right. She's on Twitter at Mammy Spanx. M-A-M-M-Y-S-P-A-N-X. Mammy Spanx. That's her Twitter name. Mammy Spanx.

Oh, I thought you were introducing the next comedian. Her name was Mammy Spanx. And I thought, what kind of idiot is that? Okay. Oh, this looks like a woman or a black man. Yes. Schwan. No, I don't know which.

I think you're right. I would gamble on the latter of the two. You think it's a black man. Yes. Schwan. I don't know which. I think you're right. I would gamble on the latter of the two. On the one that they gasped at for some reason. Why would you gasp at? I look at a name. I think it's either a woman's name. It's an unusual name. So, you know, there you go. Let's see what happens. Put your hands together for Kiernan Bencoil.

Kiernan Bencoil. Kiernan Bencoil. Oh! So my name is Kiernan. If you Google it, it means little dark one. Holy shit, I wish I had more confidence. I wish I had like one-fourth the confidence of Post Malone. Like, that's all I need.

I need, like, face tattoo moxie. You know what I'm talking about? Like, I feel like face tattoos are the new tattoos. Like, 50 years ago, if you had a tattoo, you know, anything, you were instantly a badass. It could be a tattoo of the Virgin Mary on your ankle. And people would look at you like, that guy fucks. You know, I feel like, you know, there's one face tattoo that's not cool. It's the inner lip tattoo. Have you guys seen the inner lip tattoo right here? Stupidest fucking tattoo I've ever seen,

all right? Because, you know, 99% of the time, no one can see it, and the 1% of the time they do see it, you look like a fucking idiot because you're just like, oh, look at it. I was talking to this girl and she's like, oh, look, it says Gemini. It's my sign. I'm like, bitch, all I can see is your gingivitis. Kiernan Bencoil, ladies and gentlemen. Can I open this up with a critique? I'm sorry. I wanted to do a different joke, but...

No, but just... Fuck. You know, I'm not going to say it. There's a comedian... Go ahead. No, hey, grill me, man. No, no, there's a comedian here at the Comedy Store. He's really...

He's an excellent dude. Yeah. Funny. But every one of his punchlines is, Bitch, this. Oh, yeah. That's so fucking lame. That was all fear.

That was fear for me coming out. That's impressive. But let me tell you something. That's so fucking lame. That was all fear. That was fear for me coming out. But let me tell you something. That's impressive. By the way, opening and saying you're not confident. See, I felt like you opened confidently. I mean, by being vulnerable and then you just were vulnerable now.

And all points in between, you were full of shit. It's fear. No, but I'm saying go with it. Go with it. Be real. Be honest. Be who you are. Don't be like this fucking portrayal of some comedian that you've seen before.

I wanted to do, I had this new bit I just worked out. I did like four times. It's too late now. I know it's too late. I don't want to hear about it now. No, no, you don't want to hear about it. I know. I was like, fuck in my gut. I'll tell you this, Kiernan.

On an opposite thing, I will give you a hundred out of a hundred on premise. The way you described your premise, though, I think was amazing. I've never heard it quite put that way. Having face tattoos is the new tattoo.

And by the way, men were tough with their... Yeah, yeah. They had an anchor on their arm, and you went, oh, he was in the Navy. Yeah, yeah. Now it's all a big ball of what the fuck. And the crazy thing is you had it all right there. You set it all up.

And the Virgin Mary thing on the foot is funny. And you just had to keep that momentum. But that's a great sign, and the Virgin Mary thing on the foot is funny and you just had to keep that momentum. That's a great sign is that at least you know how to set up a joke. It literally is half the battle. Tony, 80% of my relatives have that Virgin Mary tattoo. Awesome. Well, thank you.

That's a huge compliment. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like seven months now. It, thank you. Yeah, that's a huge compliment. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like seven months now. Oh, that's doing fine. Thank you. It's really hard. Yeah, yeah. It's extraordinarily hard, even if you're funny.

So you're doing fine. Just don't say bitch and be real. It's the fear. That's my T-shirt. Don't say bitch and be real. Don't say bitch and be real. Yeah, because really. On DeathSquadTV.com.

Unless you're a pimp on an HBO show. I literally have a bit about a pimp. That's what I want to do. Shut up. I'm sorry. I'm not. Don't apologize. Don't apologize.

Don't apologize. Just make note for the future. Okay, thank you so much. You're a good man. Yeah. So how long have you been in L.A.? For over a year, like April of last year. I actually moved here on 4-20.

From where? I was in New York before. I was working in advertising, and I got a new job in advertising here. Hold on, hold on, hold on a second. Yeah. Did he just say he moved here on 4-20? Actually, I didn't mean to at all. No, but were you trying to be funny?

He's always got so many excuses, this kid. Why would you say, actually, I moved here on 4-20? It's a funny thing. We know it's the fourth month. You added 4-20 to be in with the weed people. And I'm not a weed guy. I'm not a weed guy. I am a weed guy, and I'm offended that you tried to.

That's right. I'm offended you tried to suck up to me. I'm just glad I got the angry am a weed guy, and I'm offended that you tried to... That's right. I'm offended you tried to suck up to me. I'm just glad I got the angry Jeff Garlin voice out of you. Oh, the angry one? Moron! Yeah! Can you please... Even if it's a small compliment, can you yell at me?

All right, cool. You got potential, you fuckhead! Thank you! Thank you! Wow, look at that. Yeah, see? That was a good riff. You have a superpower.

You're like one of the X-Men or something like that. The superhero that just yells funny. By the way, I would be so awesome as a Marvel superhero in a movie because my character, no matter what power I had, I'd yell. Yeah. I would never not yell. I'd even tell the Hulk, shut the fuck up, you green piece of shit. All right, Jeff, can we do a different take?

All right. Hulk! I just cut out green piece of shit because it's obvious. All right, go ahead. Kiernan, what do you do for fun? How old are you? I'm 24. 24.

What do you do for fun? I live down in South Bay, so I like to go surfing a lot. You're a surfer. I am, yeah, yeah. Is that a pair. You're a surfer. I am, yeah. Is that a pair of sunglasses in your dress? Yeah. It is a pair of sunglasses, yeah. It's because you drove here during the daylight hours.

Yes. I know, it's tough on the highway. It's tough, yeah. I know it. You've got to have your sunglasses. I leave work early on Mondays just so I can get to this mic. Oh, that's so nice. You work in advertising? Yeah, I write your sunglasses. Yeah. I leave work early on Mondays just so I can get to this mic. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah.

You work in advertising? Yeah. Yeah. I write for Toyota. Wow. Oh, man. Toyota. Do you drive a Toyota?

I drive, yeah. I lease a Corolla. Yeah. A great car, man. Thank you. Corolla's a great car. It's a great car. All the Toyota cars are great.

They're great. It's an excellent car I got a good deal through work For a young guy Good deal Driving a Corolla at 24 Very good It's

Okay It's a good It's a very exciting life It really is What? Is it? It kinda I mean this is

This is pretty fucking exciting Isn't it? For coming here Coming here This is Yeah this is This is the exciting shit. What more do you need?

He probably looks forward to it all week. You know what you're going to do tonight? Listen to this shit. What am I going to do? You're going to lay in bed tonight, and you're going to think about everything that went down. You're going to overthink. Then you're going to beat yourself up because you don't know better.

And then you're going to beat yourself up some more. Around 4 in the morning, you'll fall asleep. You'll go to work tomorrow. You'll tell everybody about it. Around 4 in the morning, you'll fall asleep. You go to work tomorrow. You'll tell everybody about it. Absolutely. Then tomorrow night, you'll lay in bed. It won't be as bad. It'll fade away by the end of the week.

I'm just trying to enjoy moment to moment, like right now, like right here, right now, just trying to enjoy this. Just ride the wave, dude. You're 24. Have you ever seen a purple pumpkin, motherfucker? That's my surf name, dude I'm not like a surfer person

I do it, it's like a hobby No, it's a nice thing It's a good way to exercise and shit We know you don't surf for a living Yeah, I know, okay, alright I like to surf with the old guys With all the longboards, not like a shortboard guy Okay, look at you

Learning from the wise men of the sea You're not wearing a baseball hat, I see No like a shortboard guy. Okay, look at you, learning from the wise men. Learning from the wise men of the sea. You're not wearing a baseball hat, I see. No. Look at you. And you don't have surgery on your eyes to see better. You wear the glasses. I wear the glasses.

Not in the water. No, not in the water. No, not in the water. No, you. But tonight. It's a different type of clarity out there. But listen, when you lay in bed tonight, be nice to yourself. Thank you.

In closing, Kiernan, I get the type of feeling that you're the type of guy, I just pictured it, like, with you surfing, I feel like you're, like, you turn into, like, a badass motherfucker out there. No, no, no, no, no. Can you mind throwing on your sunglasses for a second, just so that we see what you look like

with the, uh... I think the people here sort of want to see. Is that right, guys? It's nothing great. Why would you... Hold on. It was so perfect. It was so perfect. All right.

All right, hold on a second here. Breaking news, Tony. Every woman's vagina in the Los Angeles area has dried up. No, listen. Yeah. Listen. When you're on Kill Tony. Yeah.

And Tony says, put your sunglasses on. You fucking do it. No, no, no. You did do it. But he says, I want to see how bad ass you look, you know. And what'd you say? Oh, I'm not so cool. Stop it.

Stop with that. Stop beating yourself up, you fuckhead. Why don't you try it one more time, but this time do it with some goddamn swagger. And don't do the extra bonus. Okay, ready? I'll just fucking do it. Hold on, hold on.

Hold on. Breaking news, Tony. Every gay man in Los Angeles has turned straight. Yes, yes. All right. This is very... This is... Jeff Garlin is going to now teach you how to do it. I never thought I'd be getting money lessons from Jeff Garlin is going to now teach you how to do it.

I never thought I'd be getting money lessons from Jeff Garlin. Here's what he did. Tell me again. Pretend I'm him. Go ahead. You know, I feel like you're the type of guy that looks really cool once you put your sunglasses on. Turns into like a cool guy. What does that look like?

You put your hands up and you gave up right away. Now I'm going to show you how you do it. You know what? I feel like you're the kind of guy that when you're out there surfing and you throw those sunglasses, I feel like you're a whole different guy. Can we see what you look like with your sunglasses on?

Oh, no. Wow. They love it. Thank you. Just do it, man. Breaking news, Tony. There is a flash flood warning in the Metropolis area. Thank you. Just do it, man. Breaking news, Tony. Did you write that? Just do it?

I'm like, who's the tagline? The Metropolis area. Women everywhere are squirting. That's right. That was impressive. The ladies are going crazy to the thought of garlanding glasses. Garlanding glasses this spring on ABC. Garland and glasses. This spring on ABC. Garland and glasses.

You look good. Kiernan, I think you learned a lot about being a comedian and a young man here tonight. This is good learning exercise. It's like a free course. I know. I just said that. There he goes. Kiernan Bencoil, everybody. He's on Twitter at KBencoil.

K-B-E-N-K-O-I-L. That is a weird one. That was fun. Yeah. Let me tell you something. Yeah. You think I'm fucking around. I'm obsessed now.

I'm going to go home and Google purple pumpkin. And if I see those fuckers for sale, I'm buying two. Ooh, I like that. That's right. Got to have a purple pumpkin. Halloween's coming up, and I want to celebrate it like the king of Minneapolis. I like that. Gotta have a purple pumpkin. Halloween's coming up and I want to celebrate it like the king of Minneapolis. That is a lavish lifestyle.

Here's a little fun fact too. When Jeff put his sunglasses on, I was trying to get a cool song together but he just did it so quick. I just picked whatever I chose and it was actually the Winnie the Pooh song. By the way, you want my opinion? Doesn't get any cooler

than that in terms of real coolness. That's all I'm saying. Christopher Robin. Let's go. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Justin Lawson. Alright. Justin Lawson. Here he comes. It's Justin Lawson. Here he comes.

It's Justin Lawson. Thank you. I took a trip to Atlanta. It was the worst trip of my life because I got on the most ghettoist airlines of my life. And I know y'all heard of it because it's popular. It's called Greyhound. And the planes

don't get off the ground. It's like, this is a horrible magic school bus. This shit sucks. I moved here from Orlando. When I told my grandma I moved here from Orlando, she was so upset. She was like, you're moving to L.A., baby? It's very dangerous in L.A. And you're not that funny, nigga. I don't know why you're moving to L.A., baby. It's very dangerous in L.A. And you're not that funny, nigga.

I don't know why you're going out there. Stay here and sell soap with me. We'll take over the cleaning game. I normally wear glasses. I don't have them on right now. But what I do hate about glasses is they got fake glasses. There's people with 20-20 vision walking around with fake glasses. I don't have them on right now, but what I do hate about glasses is they got fake glasses. There's people with 20-20 vision walking around with fake glasses.

I don't understand why. You all dicks. All of y'all. I wish this was a thing. It's not a thing. I wish it was a thing. I wish everybody with 20-20 vision that wear fake glasses catches AIDS in their eyes. If we could all pray for that, please, Father God. Bless these intruders. All right, I'm done.

There you go.in lawson wishing aids upon all people with good vision wearing glasses fake glasses hell yeah literally aids yeah like uh not like the magic johnson because that's the fake AIDS. I'm talking about the real good, good ones. That good good. I think there should be breaking news. That's just my opinion. About AIDS? You can go straight from HIV to AIDS now. Breaking news.

Black guys are better than white guys at comedy until they try a closer that doesn't work. I heard that. Justin, how long have you been doing stand-up? Seven years. Fuck yeah. And you're from Orlando? How long have you been in L.A.? Since December.

Oh, cool. How's it been going for you? It's pretty, it's all right. You're definitely respected by your peers. Very rarely do we have people up here that repeat the person's name that's on. So that's cool. Obviously you've made quite the impression for yourself. What was life like in Orlando?

That seems like a weird place to grow up. Well, no, I didn't grow up in Orlando. I just moved from Orlando here. I grew up in Portland, Oregon and Memphis, Tennessee. Oh yeah? Oregon? They gotta be white. Yeah, they are. You can tell by the woo. That was one of the...

We also had Memphis, Tennessee, so that's a possibility. No, they ain't from Memphis. They ain't woo. They don't woo like that in Memphis. What made you move to Orlando? What made me want to move to Orlando? I was actually tricked into moving there because of Disney. I did the Disney college program.

Oh, wow. Interesting. What'd you do for Disney? I was a slave. No. I worked... Are you about to play a black song? Go ahead. Play your black song, man. We have a new one. I was counting down in my head. I was like,

5-4, black song. Yeah, I know. He's definitely not from Memphis either. That's definitely... I feel like... You know what? I feel like he's slick when he called me the N-word. Go ahead. Get it out of here. Breaking the box office

this weekend, Disney's new animated feature, 12 Years a Slave. Okay. So, uh... Here we go. I don't understand the Disney thing again. Disney, I was a character at Disney. Really? What character?

Yeah, I was Tigger, Blue, Genie, Woody. Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, what? Oh, give me your wallet. I was... When they called you Tigger, did they use the hard R? Is that not how Tigger's name is? You want me to put an A in it? I'm sorry.

No, that's how it's pronounced. Okay. We're doing it. We're going back. Go ahead. Tigger, please. I get it. That's the new version.

By the way... Yes, Jeff Garland I find every one of these jokes completely cheap and not good No, I expect Go ahead, come on man You're not going to get that shit from me Listen Why the fuck you don't talk about Disney College I do

You got the Greyhound Look AIDS college. I do. It's just one minute. So you got the Greyhound. Look, AIDS, you don't really give a shit about people with good vision wearing glasses, do you? No, it doesn't. So stop talking about it. If you don't give a shit, it's not going to be that funny. If you really give a shit, here's the

reverse of that. If you did five minutes on people with good vision wearing glasses and committed to it with passion, it would be hysterical because it would be fucking insane. But just doing it as like a couple joke throwaway, ah, fuck that. And then closing with AIDS. I wasn't. That's not the close of the joke.

I'm 28. Enough with that. However, however, being a black man, it works. So it's like, you got your options. Okay? So you can do... I'm learning so much about black people

today that I did not know at all. That's the only black point I made. Breaking news. Breaking news. Innocent comedy show turns racist Very quickly No because the white dude Who was up here it really wasn't working

You It works but We've never had a ticker on this stage before We literally haven't We haven't had anyone that's played an actual character From anything in particular We've met all different occupations. 279 episodes times

10 comedians. One could say that's... And no one's been Tigger. You'd think you'd have two or three Tiggers. Exactly. That's crazy, man. One could almost say he's Tigger Rich. By the way, I would...

I would just tell you one other thing. It's so unnatural. This just in. Three Tiggers have shot up the comedy store. I feel like y'all just want to say the word so badly. By the way, everyone does fuck me.

I gave you Tiggers money. I know you don't want to say it. I didn't even hear what he said. I don't speak for you. Listen, no fucking around. That's the key to you. I think you're funny, but you just need,

it's so unnatural doing the one minute here, but you need to just focus on being comfortable. Be comfortable and talk about what you care about, i.e. not about people wearing glasses. That really makes me upset. That's what I talk about.

Oh, it does. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Your whole minute should have been about that. Can I agree with that also, by the way? I really hate it when I see somebody that's wearing fake glasses. That's not the point. You guys both wear glasses, right? You wear glasses sometimes?

Yeah, I wear glasses. And you wear glasses sometimes. Sometimes, yeah. I also wear glasses sometimes. Sometimes, yeah. I also wear glasses sometimes. This is the dumbest conversation. I'm saying. That's not the point. The point is this, man.

Now, look. I feel. Breaking news. Local audience held hostage at comedy show. I really feel strongly. This is just me that comedy is either real or absurd

so there you go like it's either Pee Wee Herman or some shit like that or Richard Pryor, the shit in the middle when you sort of don't commit to something, I don't dig and that's most comedians.

So talk about what you give a shit about. You're not a guy who does characters. So really, if you give a shit, talk about it and make it real and don't close with AIDS. Bruh, it was a longer joke. I keep telling you that. I don't care. All right. So why do you keep saying I'm closing with you?

Because you close with AIDS. Okay. All right. So why do you keep saying I'm closing with you? Because you close with AIDS. Okay. All right. You want them to get AIDS. Sorry, I close with AIDS. No, no, no. It's not a bad thing. It's not. He's just giving you the gift of an overall.

It's not about what you close with or that it's that you have that joke in your repertoire when you could when you're he's saying that you're so funny that you could only tell the truth through everything and then it'll still work. It's a compliment. It's a great thing that's happening. Basically he's saying you're funny, be relaxed, do what you do, and I just threw in by the way, when people pay on the internet $500

a minute to hear me and my advice, my number one thing is don't close with AIDS. Number two, don't call a woman a bitch unless you're an actual pimp. And there's a realism to it. I can't believe you got

more offended at that than the 24 ticker jokes we did up here tonight. By the way, I completely agree with you. That's so fucking funny. This is what I'm saying. I hear what you're saying. I hear what you're saying i hear what you're saying but i'm saying basically what you're telling me is not to be myself like so what you're saying is you're not real and you love you're saying that i'm not

real no you're saying that you're not real and you like wishing AIDS people for being hipsters. Alright, I got you. No, I want you to be you. Okay, I got you, man. It's cool. No, you don't got me. Because you think I don't want you to be you. I want you to be exclusively you. Only you. Don't spin it any other way of what you think

you should do. Be you. I got you. Coming from a guy with 36 years of comedy experience, motherfucking Jeff Garlin. And that's Justin Lawson. Thank you, Justin. Appreciate it. I got you coming from a guy with 36 years of comedy experience and that's Justin Lawson thank you Justin Justin's first time on the show you can follow him on Twitter

Justin L Lawson he's getting some Jedi advice I just hope I didn't offend him in any way I was being as thoughtful as I could be. I took it as a compliment. All right, cool, man, but still, you don't know.

This just in. I like the, this just in. It makes me happy. Every time you say, this just in, I get giddy. I got anticipation all over me, man. You know what? Instead of going to the bucket, I pulled a name out, and we'll get back to that name in a second.

But let's go to our regular. We have a regular that comes out every single week, and he writes and performs a brand-new minute every single week. Where does he perform? He writes and performs. He does it on this show. A brand new minute every week to the hundreds of thousands of listeners around the world.

Here's another new minute from our favorite rising comic, the great and powerful Malcolm Hatchet. Here he is. Hell yeah, what's up? I want fat black girl confidence. Because you can always ask a fat black girl why she fat.

She's going to be real. Because, motherfucker, I like to eat. I can tell you got chicken crumbs right there. You ask a skinny white girl why she's so skinny, she say shit like this. You mean in shape? No, bitch, you mean depressed? Your bones got bones.

Why whenever a black dude, why whenever you ask a black dude if he fucking a girl, he start rubbing himself? Are you fucking no girl? I mean. I mean. I mean. Yes or no, motherfucker? Nah, nah.

Get your virgin ass. I mean, one time I was at this chick house and her boyfriend came. She was like, go, go, go. I was like, oh, shit. Hold up. This bitch got Oreos. He came up from behind me. He was like, boop.

All right, that's it. I'm done. Is that true? That felt true at the end All right, that's it. I'm done. Is that true? That felt true at the end. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Hell yeah. Wait, I had...

Who has Oreos? This girl had Oreos. Yeah, the girl did, but that's not what I heard. In her house. No, that's not what I heard. What you hear, Joe? This bitch got Oreos. Oh, yeah.

And no bitch wants to share her Oreos. No, that's why I stole them. She's alone. All right? That's all I'm saying to you. This tigger doesn't like when people say bitch. It's not funny at all. This tigger needs to lay down.

Let's just stop. Did you only have sex with the Oreo girl once, or did you double stuff her? Double stuff, because I'm greedy. Did this happen recently? No, no, this was years ago. I kind of made some of it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Oreos was in the kitchen, though.

So you were on your way out of the kitchen. Yeah. And then you stopped for the Oreos, and then the guy caught you and hit you. No, he didn't catch me. I just went out the door, because he came in the back door. Well, weren't you with the kitchens you and hit you. No, he didn't catch me. I just went out the door because he came in the back door. Well, weren't you with the kitchens in the front door? No, her room's right here. The kitchen's right here.

I love that. We're explaining this. Now, where is it? Go. Her room, like, right here, right? Uh-huh. The back door right here, but before he come in, I ran through the kitchen, grabbed an Oreo, ran out the front door. Oh, so you didn't stop because in your performance, you got down on the ground and ate some fucking Oreos.

Yeah, I was just. No, take them with you. Yeah, yeah. It's funnier if you take them with you. I was running down the street like. And you had just gotten. By the way, I got a joke for you. You're running down the street and suddenly you got a fat black girl confidence.

Oh, yeah. Because you got your Oreos and you're fucking happy as shit. Wow, that is a big callback. It's a callback for you. Enjoy it. Then I seen the fat black girl and she was like... That's right. Look at you. Look at you, motherfucker.

That's exactly right. He explored and he heightened. See that? Malcolm gets a chance. He comes up here and he writes his own goddamn episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm right in front of everyone. You're a funny dude, man. And by the way, how old are you? 24. Oh, so old are you? 24.

Oh, so you can still wear it. At some point, you have to become a man, but right now you are a boy, and you should enjoy that. All the things that go with it, wearing owl shirts, hats on backwards, pretending you're eating Oreos on the floor, you can do it all at 24.

When you're at 25, there might be some judgment. 26, you need some changes. But right now, go fucking nuts. Go fucking nuts. You keep that motherfucking on backwards as much as you can. You eat as many Oreos. You go to the store tomorrow and you buy fucking owl shirts with a soccer ball. I don't even know what's going on on that shirt.

Jeremiah Watkins. This just in. with a soccer ball. I don't even know what's going on on that shirt. Jeremiah Watkins. This just in. Old Sherpa has meltdown at the comedy store. Oh, Sherpa. I had anticipation because he said this just in. Were you excited? I was.

Malcolm. Now, you're a fucking funny motherfucker, and guess what you can't learn? How to be funny. How to be funny. How to be funny. You can learn different things. But the truth is, I'm watching you. I have no notes for you.

Just keep working. He's definitely going to do that. Anything else crazy happen this week? I may eat more birthday cake. You're eating more birthday cake? I don't know what that means. I eat a lot of sweets. You eat a lot of sweets. So do I. I'm on almost 10 months no sugar. You're eating more birthday cake? I don't know what that means. I eat a lot of sweets. You eat a lot of sweets.

So do I. I'm on almost 10 months no sugar. You know why? I'm an old diabetic man. I am the future, and in the future, there is no birthday cake. So you wear your hat backwards.

You get laid a lot and rub yourself, and you eat cake. Do it all, man. 10 months. Because it all ends. No months. Because it all ends. It all fucking ends. And then you find yourself sitting behind a sword

watching people do comedy in the comedy store and wonder what it's all about. You get excited when someone says, this just in. That's your future. Your future is not cake and getting laid and wearing what you want. It's when someone says, this just in. You get very excited and wearing what you want. It's when someone says this just in,

you get very excited. And there you go. That's it. You're going to have a fun journey. You're fucking great. It's Malcolm Hatchett, everybody. Come on. The future. Wait.

Wait. Malcolm, come back out. Ladies and gentlemen, the return of Malcolm Hatchett. I was drinking water. Where is she? Malcolm. Fucking Malcolm. Stop eating the cake. Here he is, Malcolm Hatchett.

I almost quit my job. I just wanted to shake your hand. So I can tell people I did. That's right. Timest. Oh, hell yeah. So I can tell people I did. Hell yeah. That's right. Wow. Timestamp it. Fuck yeah. That's all I wanted. I love it. I wanted to shake

Malcolm's hand and then later when I order my two purple pumpkins, I'll be good. If I find out you really got purple pumpkins, I'm going to be... By the way, you think I'm not. You're wrong. Tonight, the world of Google...

And let's see if Amazon's got it. Amazon's got it. I'm positive about it. I've never heard of purple pumpkins. And maybe I'll find a world of many pumpkin colors that you can get many colors. I'll fucking have a room. I'm going to have a room filled with different colored pumpkins.

And that's where I'm going gonna do my transcendental meditation. That's where I meditate. In a sad turn of events, local stand-up hero Jeff Garland has been committed to a psych war. By the way, Amazon has two different

kinds of purple pumpkins. Whoa, there they are. One's more of a bucket. That's a true jack-o'-lantern. Whoa, there they are. Brian already pulled them up. Well, one's more of a bucket. That's a true jack-o'-lantern. There's only three left. It doesn't have as good a face, though. I don't like that face. Yeah, the eyes are too short. Welcome back to conversations that could happen after this podcast.

There you go. Indeed. Indeed. Truth is, you get caught up. You really do. And I apologize to anyone listening, watching, or anywhere near Purple Pumpkin. I pulled that name out of the bucket before I brought up Malcolm. I pulled out a name and I kept it out.

And we're going to flow through. Are you ready for this? I've never been more ready in my life. Ladies and gentlemen, it's not easy to follow Malcolm Hatchett. So make some noise for Nikki Veltri, everyone. Nikki Veltri. Nikki Veltri. This way, Nikki.

Oh, fuck yeah. Come on, Nikki Veltri, everyone. Woo! This is some place here, let me tell you. I've been waiting to get on this place for so long in my 20s. Now look at me, I finally got on. If they went by age around here, I'd be on every fucking week. You know what I mean?

I know. I got two jokes. One's a misogynist joke and one's a racist joke. Which one do you want to hear? Neither. Looks like. All right. Well, okay. I was called a racist because I told some guy he was an idiot who happened to be black. They accused me of being a racist. I tell a lot of white people they're idiots. Then they accuse me of being a genius. You know what I mean? Whoa.

All right. It's maybe because I'm Italian. I'm an FBI, full-blooded Italian. I'm also an IBM. You know what that is? Italian big mouth, okay? When Italian... I want you to keep going. Just keep going for as long as you can.

When Italian... Tony, we usually agree, but never this much. Oh, come on. I so agree with you. Let's just see, right? Let's see. Keep going. Keep going.

You fucking got it. You waited all these years, dude. You got it. You're on the main herb. And nobody's fucking laughing. Let's just see, right? Let's see. Keep going. Keep going. You fucking got it. You waited all these years, dude. You got it. You're on the main room. And nobody's fucking laughing. Let's see if you got anything. When Italians make love, they make a whole meal out of it. First there's the spaghetti sauce.

Then there's the meatballs. Then there's the pepperoni. You know what I mean? By the way, I don't. But I love it. No, I know. It might be the most. I'm loving it.

I'm loving it because I have no idea what you're saying. Why do I need these guys' approval? They're not laughing. Nobody's laughing anyways. Fuck everybody, you know what I mean? You are a badass motherfucker. Why do I need their approval? I'm old enough to be here's his father, you know what I mean?

You're old enough to be my father. You're old enough to be my illegitimate son, you know what I mean? Nikki, first of all... What is this, the Mueller investigation here? Where's Nancy Pelosi? Crumbs! Crumbs!

Nikki, listen to me. Nikki, Nikki, over here. Nikki, Nikki, Nikki. No matter what anyone says to you, never stop. Never stop, Nikki. you, never stop. Never stop, Nicky. You just never stop. I'm trying to get one laugh out of here. Come on, I laugh.

I laugh when you want. I'm going to let you go more. I'm going to let you try more. Will you just relax? Nicky, shut up for a second. Just look at me. Look at me, Nicky. First, Nicky, shut the fuck up, you old fuck.

Shut up. He acts like my son.. Nicky, shut the fuck up, you old fuck. Shut up. He acts like my son. I've never called anybody an old fuck before. I'm sorry you had to see me do that, Jeff. He acts like my son. Tony. I feel mean about that. He could be my son.

I've never felt it more appropriate than in this moment. Nicky, just listen to me. Don't talk into the end of the microphone for a second. Just a break. Jeff, do I have permission to call this man a bitch? Who said that? Nicky, he doesn't know who said it. He's all turned around. Who said that?

Whose ball is in my yard? Nicky, over here. Over here. Over here. Just don't talk. I'm glad he didn't say anything. Oh, fuck, that's awesome. This just in. Oh, Nicky, your mic just out. Watch this fucking shit, you loud bastard.

All right. Nikki. Yes. First of all, let me tell you, you are my new favorite comedian in the world. Congratulations. You're not so bad yourself. No, no, no, no, no, no. What are you going to do?

No, no, no, no. Don't talk. Don't touch the sword. Don't touch the sword. What are you going to do? No, no, no, no. Don't talk. Don't touch the sword. Don't touch the sword. What are you going to do with that sword? Don't touch the sword. You know. It's just there and I'm sitting behind it and I'm melancholy. Stop. Nikki, listen to me. From the

incredible Hulk. Nikki, your mic is turned off because you're so unbearable. We did it on purpose. We're in full control. Nikki. Yeah, you broke the rules. You're not listening or making any sense. So now you just have to listen. Just listen, Nicky. Fucking breathe.

This whole thing runs without you every other week. Is this the first time? They cut my mic off. This is a crazy man. This guy went insane between the ninth and tenth holes of a golf course. Why don't you shake? When's the last time you shaked? Wait a minute. Hey, Tony.

Is it time for me to give my critique? Because I have one. Surprising. Oh, you do. Nikki, have you ever done... Nikki, let me just give it. That's part of this thing. You better take it. You ready? Nikki, let me just fucking talk.

No one's taking your mic on. It's over. That part is over. Your voice amplified has ended. Testing one, two. No, Nikki, it's not happening. Nikki, we're not going to let you come in and just wreck everything. If you promise to only answer questions.

No, no, no. All right, listen. Nikki, Nikki. This just in. Joe Pesci has a meltdown at the Comedy Store. Wow. Relax, Nikki. No, you cannot say anything.

Wait a minute. You think this is funny? You think this is funny? You think this is funny? What you're doing you think is funny? It's not funny. What are you, a comedian? I love that you have a catchphrase, not mean, after nobody's laughing.

It's totally something you say. Oh, my God. I want to give my critique. This is very important. Nicky, Nicky, you have to listen. Stop fucking talking. Oh my God. I want to give my critique. This is very important. Nikki, Nikki, you have to listen. Stop fucking talking. You mixed too many of your medications today.

Her face made coming out tonight and not sleeping worth it. Your face right now, the look of shock is so awesome. I don't know what to say. She literally is like this. You never saw a senior citizen before. It's not a senior citizen, you fuckhead. She's looking at a nut. She's never seen anyone like you.

You're a nut. Can I give... And it's not because you're a senior citizen, by the way. You have the exact same outer shell as one of the greats of all time, Don Rickles, and he was able to run laps on everyone for days. So you can't blame it on your... No, you can't.

Rodney Dangerfield, shut the fuck up. Yeah. All right, listen. Yes, he is dead. All right, listen. Okay, don't even repeat I'm listening. Just be quiet. The minute you start talking, I'll stop talking.

Okay? So if you want that, I will. And by the way, let me finish because it's not going where you think it's going. I don't think you should ever come on a stage again, ever, for the rest of your life, unless it's at someone's wedding and you're giving a toast. And even then, there should be boundaries. Don't say anything but I do think that

if I'm making a film I would want you in it as long as you behaved on the set because I think you'd be a great character actor. I think you'd be so interesting in a movie. I think as a movie actor or a TV actor. Is that your card? Don't think I'm not taking it. I don't know what this, you wrote this book.

I wrote two books in five screenplays. All right. I'm not using, Two books in five screenplays. You're a professional, right? No, no, but you'd be an interesting character actor. Yeah.

And I think that that's a path to go down. Yeah. I think it's not working on the stage. Everything is not working on the stage. He said, why do you think it's not working on the stage? Why is it not working on the stage. He said, why do you think it's not working on the stage? Why is it not working on the stage? It is.

Some people laugh. No, no. What? Some people laugh. Why is your sense of humor not working on the stage? Yeah, why is it not working at stand-up? I think after a minute it might work on stage because it would be so silly and ridiculous that it would make you laugh. I thought I had some good comeback.

He thinks what he did was really good. So let's examine that. It wasn't. What you need to do. This just in. Jeff Garlin explains the meaning of the word delusional. This just in.

Nikki's going to try, everyone. Here we go. This might be the one. This just in. This just in. Man's head falls in guacamola. See, this just in. Man furthers point.

Nicky. Nicky. This just in. I have a bigger point than he does. Nikki. Nikki. This just in. I have a bigger point than he does.

No, that grew up. This just in. That's fake news. I can see it. Wow. I've heard of the godfather, but the grandfather. This is ridiculous. This just in. Donald Trump is out.

This just out. Nikki Veltri, everybody. There he goes. He did it. You're going the wrong way already. Go that way. Nikki Veltri everybody there he goes he did it you're going the wrong way already go that way Nikki Veltri everybody fuck yeah

he's just going a different way all together see that was fucking funny it's sort of funny it's very bizarre if he's on a set I think on a set he'd be more respectful and different because there wouldn't be the audience, and I think that got him going. But I think if I – because I like to –

I hate to mention my name with this person's name, but Fellini used real people in these different roles, and I think he would be fascinating in the right role. I would totally cast him. If I owned a club, I would have a restraining order. By the way, for you podcast listeners, shockingly enough, he got big laughs on his

walk out. He walked out the opposite entrance in which he came on the opposite side of the stage and then had a funny walk. It was very bizarre. He actually turned funny literally after we dismissed him. So that's another first here on Kill Tony. And he went into the women's restroom.

That's the men's restroom. I think you've been going into the women's restroom this whole time. You've been coming to the comedy scene. What do you guys think? We go to the bucket one more time? You guys want to do it? One more time.

One more time. About one more time for the great Jeremiah Watkins tonight over there. Where'd the guitar player go? He had another gig or something? His dog's leg stopped working the other day, so he had to go. Are you being totally serious? His dog's leg stopped working the other day, so he had

to go. Are you being totally serious? Yeah, his leg stopped working. He slipped a disc in his back. Right? Can we confirm that? Well, yeah, that happened, but he had a show that he's got to get to. Oh, I thought it was the dog's legs. I didn't know. That is true, though. This just in, Tony Hinchcliffe

brings mood down in show before the final act. Tony Hinchcliffe brings mood down in show before the final act. I pulled another name out, and it is Jesus Claro Lavaderos. This is a first. Jesus Claro Lavaderos? Wow.

Hell yeah. Look at this badass motherfucker. I'd like to announce before he begins that I like everything he does. Yeah, yeah. Put your hands together for one of the baddest ass motherfuckers I've ever seen, Jesus Claro Lavaderos.

Took me hard to get up. I'm going to talk about my given name. My name is Jesus Claro Landeros. I come from L.A. I don't like that name. I know my mom was doing the milkman. that name. I know my mom was doing the milkman. He was always coming by giving me an extra quart of chocolate milk and pat me on the head and call me Johnny. That's not my name. I leave a package for my mother. This time I watched my mother open up the package and it was a two feet long chorizo

that she pulled out of there which she hugged and I said what the hell and the worst thing I ever did was tell my best friend about it and the next day the whole goddamn block knew about it I'm walking to school and I see dunkel the cholo and when he sees me the first thing he does is grab his dick and say I heard your mom likes a chorizo Hell yeah, there you go. Jesus Claro Lavadero. Definitely one of my favorite sets we've ever had on the show, buddy. That was incredible. I have nothing but positive things to say to the Mexican Brock Lesnar.

Yes, Jeremiah? Hold on. Breaking news. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre killer has been identified. Honestly, Tony, it's just nice to hear Frankenstein say some other words than friend good. We have officially met the president of the Los Angeles Raiders fan club once and for all. The defender, Jesus Claro Lavaderos.

Is this your first time ever doing stand-up? Yes. Fuck yeah. How about that? This big badass motherfucker just popped his cherry. Little nervous. Little nervous. Hell yeah. How old are you, Jesus? Gonna be 59.

59 and you're doing this. What made you want to try stand-up for the very first time? Just a little experiment? Is this the first time? Yeah. Yes. Oh, all right. It becomes a bucket list at 59, right?

Ever since your fifth year anniversary, I was here that day, and I decided, you know what? I've got to throw my name in there. Wow. Look at that. That is so cool. And by the way, your approach when you got to the mic of taking a beat after the insanity that just occurred was great instinctually. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. By the way, by the way, by the way, that's good too. Because what did you do?

You embraced it. And you took a second to go, I got to do something here. Let me see what I do. It was fucking delightful. Yeah. You fucker. I gotta do something here let me see what I do it was fucking delightful I don't think you have a future in comedy but I do think you're a gentleman and I think you should keep doing this show and prove me wrong

I've got 50 something years of stories that I want to tell oh by the way that's one other thing I want to say I do think you may have a future I don't fucking know anything here's uh stories that i want oh by the way that's one other thing i want to say i do think you may have a future i don't fucking know anything listen here's the point he started telling a story and he committed to it for the whole 60 seconds which was the way to go what are you trying to do different bits in 60 seconds unless you're a one-liner person so that was a great choice so even though you say you don say you didn't know what you were doing,

you made two choices that were perfect. Waiting, letting things settle for a second, and then you went with one story with the whole milkman thing. I'm interested to know more about your life, Jesus. Can you tell us more about what have you done your whole life? I've been trimming trees since 1968. Fuck yeah, I never would have guessed that from a man named Jesus Claro Lavadero. Are you kidding?

This is the most racist show I fucking hate. If you're Mexican, that's how I was. Come on, let's go, god damn it. Lavadero actually translates to very scary man. But by the way, you are a tough looking guy until you start talking. And then you're very sweet, man.

It's all McDonald's here. It's all McDonald's? I don't know what that means. All McDonald's. So you just eat a lot of shit and you're kind of fat. I didn't understand it at first. Alright, I'm muscular and powerful. I'm the understand it at first. All right. I'm muscular and powerful. I'm the largest and strongest Jew in the room.

Hi, everybody. I'm Ben Vereen Jr., no relation. You know how it is. Diabetes. You know how it is. You got it. I do know. He's got great cardio from being chased by the townspeople.

Do you have it, too? You have diabetes as well? Oh, yeah. He knows what it is. Anybody else has diabetes? Raise your hand. Oh, a little shout out for you diabetes people out there in the crowd. Who's got the motherfucking diabetes tonight?

Unfortunately, somebody ready for me to drop this new fucking sugar? Unfortunately, their hands are missing. Hey, Jeff. The only thing they can... I guess it's just me and you. Our dicks don't work when we have diabetes. Hey, Jeff, I... The only thing they can... I guess it's just me and you. Our dicks don't work when we have diabetes. No, no, no. Look, if you've got neuropathy, keep it to yourself.

Jesus, you've been trimming trees. What else have you been doing all these years? What do you like to do? Are you married? You got a family? Yes, I do. Kids? Two girls.

Been married for 39 years. Wow. Look at you. I bet you you don't use the word bitch, 39 years. Wow. Look at you. I bet you you don't use the word bitch, do you? No. That's right. You respect women. It's called puta.

I don't like that word because the priest used to always call me a bitch. What's that? I said I didn't like that word because I was in Catholic school. The priest always called me a bitch. Did the priest really call you a bitch? Oh that word because I was in Catholic school. The priest always called me a bitch. Did the priest really call you a bitch? While you were slobbing him? Oh, stop it, Ryan. Oh, you're so bad.

Is that dude still alive? Is it a local L.A. priest? I don't know. I tried to run him over when I was in my late teens. Yeah, but it was probably with one of those riding lawnmowers. So it's really slow. He saw it coming. He does landscaping, Jeff.

He admitted to it. It's not racist if he doesn't. No, I know. But the idea that he doesn't own a car, I don't like that. I didn't say he doesn't own a car. I just picked the slowest moving vehicle that a guy like that drives. If he owned a car, why would he be driving a riding lawnmower? That's all I'm saying.

Yeah. I was probably one of the first kids that probably had a lap dance on a priest. Wait a second. You're one of the first kids that probably had a lap dance on a priest. By the way, I didn't know what it was.

I like certain directions when the show goes a certain way. This is not one of my favorites, but continue. Yeah, what do you mean? You've got to release it, not me. I didn't know what it was. I was, he asked me if I wanted to become a Catholic boy. Right, an altar boy.

Altar boy, so. You were an altar boy? I went on a Saturday. Yeah, I went on. Probably from one weekend I was out. He told me to dress into this. Gave me the infraternal, sat on his lap, and I just went, whoa, whoa, wait. Probably from one weekend I was out. He told me to dress into this. Gave me the fundamental, sat on his lap, and I just went, whoa, whoa, whoa. Did he have a boner?

Oh, shit, yeah, he did. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? By the way, do you know that Cherry Pie is the unofficial song for priests everywhere? I was a cherry. I think I was a cherry pie. For that day. But I love that you never went back. I was a cherry. I think I was a cherry pie. For that day. But I love that you never went back.

I never went back. I told my mother, get me out of the school. Jeremiah. But that's how you got your wrestler name, Alter Boy. Wow. That is so cool.

He's got such a great sense of humor, too. Do you have a card? I just love that he can laugh about it. I mean, look how happy he is after talking about it. The easy joke is, do you have a card? Because my trees are out of control. But that's not what I meant. I love easy jokes.

You have them. I'm trimming for free. No, no. Do you have a card, though? Because you're also a great character type. I don't know. I asked my wife. It said Twitter account. We didn't know what a great character type. I don't know. I asked my wife. It said Twitter account. We didn't know what a Twitter account was.

We know Trump does a Twitter account, but I don't know what it is. I wasn't looking for Twitter. It's all right. We're good. Right, babe? Are your wife's here? Yeah, she's right there.

All right, man. 39 years. Make some noise for them, everybody. Brian, come on. 39 years. Make some noise for them, everybody. Don't. Brian, come on. The Bride of Frankenstein. Yeah, I just retired in January. You just retired in January.

You did? And that guy old 34-year-old, you fucking liar. Come on, you're fucking retired. Don't listen to what anyone in the audience says, but listen. You just retired? Yeah, I just retired in January. In January. Good. And you're out here.

You said, fuck it, at the five-year anniversary. By the way, I admire you. Thank you. I love that. But listen, I want to go really serious here. Uh-oh. Stop eating sugar. And you'll feel much better.

And your blood sugar will go down. Since January. It's been low. But if you stopped eating sugar, that's the key. Keto diet, baby. It's true. I'm not talking about that shit. That's up to individuals. I'm not telling you to go on a certain diet. Just sugar, man. Oh, yeah.

I almost died in August. Take care of yourself. That's where I wanted to go. Have you almost died? No, stop. Stop while you're ahead. I don't want to be weeping. Point being, stop eating sugar and do your dreams, man.

Just trim it out of your diet and branch off into other foods like a good landscaper would. You know what I mean? Hey, Seuss, congratulations. 39 years of marriage you just popped your cherry up here all the way from being on a priest lap to the main stage of the comedy store look at that drawing jeff look at that drawing from ryan che belt isn't that crazy look at you you're so jeff wow what a talent. Look at that. That's crazy talented. I got the fuck.

The fuck. Oh, cool. There he goes, everybody. One more time for Jesus Claro Lavaderos. Kilt Tony's going to New York City, Montreal, Cleveland, Fort Wayne, Nashville, Lansing, Grand Rapids, Detroit, and Toronto. Kilt Tony live. And you're going to...

And I'm at the Improv every Friday night. Yes, and I'm going to be doing your show. At 9 o'clock, I will not be here at the Comedy Store. Only the Improv, every Friday. I'm doing Jeff's show at the Improv in just a couple weeks. You are? Yes. Which is fantastic.

And I improvise my whole set. If you don't know it, I do an hour. Improvise so it's always different. I love it. But I'm actually, my next show I'm doing is all about tonight. I love it. Thank you so much. How about one more time for the great Jeff Garland, everybody?

What a hand for Tony. What a great show. Thank you, buddy. Hell yeah. How about we make it good and loud for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, everyone. Come on. Hey. KTLA News. He's got a lot going on. A new episode of Jeremiah

Wonders is out. Who was your guest this week, Jeremiah? Steve Simone is on Jeremiah Wonders this week. Wow. Former Kill Tony guest. Legend. Jeff, we're going to take a picture real quick. How about one more time for Juleberg? Jule Jimenez, everybody. Juleberg's mostly

sorry on all social media and everything like that. Hey, there's a new episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm coming out next spring, by the way. Make sure you catch Jeff Garlin in that. Red Band, we're taking Kill Tony everywhere. Yes. Get the new Kill Tony t-shirt at shopsquad.tv. Or it's in the box office right now.

Live audience, thank you so much. Have a great night. We'll see you guys soon. Josh Martin, Ryan J. E. Belt, everybody. Thank you. Good night. Tell him that his lonesome nights are over Send him I'm so alone

Don't have nobody to call my own Please turn on your magic beam Mr. Sash. Make me angry.