KILL TONY - KILL TONY #277

Episode Date: July 20, 2018

Big Jay Oakerson, Dave Smith, Jeremiah Watkins, Ali Macofsky, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 07/15/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony from Skankfest. That's right. This was a great episode. I was in a lot of pain

in this episode. But we had a lot of fun in New York. I want to thank everybody in the Skankfest family. You guys are awesome. We had a lot of fun in New York. I want to thank everybody in the Skankfest family. You guys are awesome. We had a great time and I can't wait to come back next year. This episode wasn't recorded by me. This was recorded by

the guys over there. So it definitely has a different sound to it. I couldn't really fix the sound on this, but it's not bad it just sounds weird it sounds kind of like there is a filter on it or something you'll see what i'm talking about uh and it starts abruptly it starts a little late um but who gives a shit all right uh anyways if you want to see any of the past episodes that we record, every episode, video and audio is at DeathSquad.TV.

Just search for the episode you want. Search for the person you want to listen to. Whatever. We have them all there at DeathSquad.TV with all the links, including tour dates. We are about to go on the road for a long time, guys. We're all over the place. This week, or next week, we are going to be in Montreal for Just for Laughs, July 25th. August 1st, we're going to be in Cleveland. August 3rd, we're going to be in Cincinnati.

August 4th, we're going to be in Fort Wayne, Indiana. August 12th, we're going to be in Nashville. September 20th, we're going to be in Lansing, Indiana. August 12th, we're going to be in Nashville. September 20th, we're going to be in Lansing, Michigan. September 21st, we're going to be in Grand Rapids, Michigan. September 22nd, we're going to be in Detroit, Michigan. And September 28th, we're going to be in Toronto for Just for Laughs Toronto. Oh my God, that's a lot. And that's not even including all the Texas dates and everything that's coming up later this year.

If you want to go to all these things or you want links to all of them, just go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Also, Ryan J. Ebel, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the new Kill Tony poster that just was released, the book, everything. Go to his website, RyanJEbel.com. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. He has all his information, everything Golden Pony that you want to know. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. He has all his information, everything Golden Pony

that you want to know about Tony Hinchcliffe is at tonyhingcliffe.com. Last but not least, get your Kill Tony shirt or a Death Squad merchandise. Everything we sell, all the merchandise of Death Squad is at shopsquad.tv. Alright guys, here's a brand new episode

of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Skank Fest for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Wow. Hi, everybody. Make some motherfucking noise here at Kill Tony,

live at Skank Fest. How exciting is this, everybody? One of the most jolly little comedy festivals in the world. What a positive, fun vibe here. Are you guys excited for this shit or what? Brian Redband is here. How many of you are excited to see some great New York comedians tonight, huh? How many of you are hoping to watch people bomb here tonight?

I think these people want to see blood, Brian. For those of you listening to the podcast, to the hundreds of thousands of you out there, we are doing this show in Montreal next week, July 25th at the Just for Laughs Comedy Festival, and then the 1st of September in Cleveland, the 4th in Fort Wayne, the 12th in Nashville, September 20th in Lansing, the 21st in Grand Rapids,

and the 22nd in Detroit, Michigan, and then September 28th in Toronto, September 20th in Lansing, the 21st in Grand Rapids, and the 22nd in Detroit, Michigan, and then September 28th in Toronto, Canada. So if any of you guys want to make a long drive here from New York, we'll be there in Toronto in a gigantic theater at their Just for Laughs festival. But we're here tonight. This is our second annual Skank

Fest. How many of you were here last year? How many of you, this last year? How many of you, this is your first Kill Tony ever? Wow. Look at that. Some new blood. It's exciting. People sign up before the show for the chance to get 60 seconds to do stand-up comedy

in front of us and our esteemed judges and our amazing band. After the 60 seconds, we interview them. We find out a little bit more about them and their lives and what makes them different or like us. And so let's get this fucking thing started. You guys ready or

what? I'm going to bring up the guests. Tonight's guests were both guests on last year's Skank Fest. Why not? It's the Skanks themselves. Big J. Oakerson and Dave Smith, ladies and gentlemen. Louis J. Gomez is promoting his fight. Dave Smith, Louis J.

Big J. Oakerson. Big J. once had to pull a man off the stage and be security when Jeremiah got attacked by a guy on mushrooms. As you guys all know, Big J was genetically predisposed to security. So it just comes out sometimes. That or a manager at a Wawa. But he took a left.

I'd be kicking ass there, though, too. I'm excited to have you guys back. This has been an amazing festival everything's been fun and dandy let's just keep the fun train moving along shall we? you guys ready to meet tonight's band? every week we have a band on the show

Jeremiah the band leader commits to a new character every week, I never know what he's going to be. We never know what he's going to do. And he commits to that character throughout. Maybe sometimes it's a dentist or a mechanic. Or one time he was Joe Rogan. You never know what he's going to be.

He's one of the funniest humans in the world. He's the leader of the band. It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Here we go. Wait, what? What is this about? What is this?

Wait, what is this? Little brother from every sitcom? I'm a kid from a Disney sitcom, you dummy. Wow, that is so fucking specific. Man, is this your first show that you've seen at Skank Fest? Yeah, I'm not allowed at places like this. Jeremiah, do you have a girlfriend that year?

No! Well, I'm fucking pumped This is gonna be a lot of fun to have a Disney child star on the show We have Red Band on sound effects, clearly And Dave Smith and Big J, you guys ready to start this shit

or what? This is it The pieces are in? This is it. The pieces are in place. This is Kill Tony live from New York City. You get 60 seconds, by the way. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. He's with us. Traveled all the way.

Now, last year, if any of you do remember, everybody that we pulled out of the bucket was great. They were all, like, great comedians. They had all been doing it between, like, 8 and 15 years. They pretty much just, you know, what does everybody do here? It's not Uber driving. It's something else, right?

There's, like, one job. Like the one off job. No, Uber's pretty big. Yeah, Uber's Uber driving. It's something else, right? There's like one job. I like the one off job. No, Uber's pretty big. Yeah, Uber's the one. So they were all... Dog walking. Oh, yes. Uber drivers and dog walkers.

From what I understand, I think about 70% of the open micers mop up at the creek in the cave. I don't know. I just always see them there. I'm like, you work here too? Those are the people I'm hoping to meet. I'm hoping we meet some crazy fucks tonight. Usually when we go on the road, we meet some people doing it for their first time. How many people signed up tonight

that have never done stand-up comedy before? Wow, look at that. So there's a possibility. How many of you are on acid? That's a decent amount. What's that? Alright, I pulled a name out of the bucket. Getting your first uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight

goes to Diego Lopez. Walk that way. Come up the stairs. Let Diego through. Sounds like a guy ready to fucking get some work done. Diego Lopez. He's probably in the wrong room waiting for some other show to bring him up on stage.

He's not here blacklisted. There you go. Of course, but the name like Diego Lopez, he's probably brownlisted. Do you see what I did there? Can somebody check the kitchen? Oh, shit. All right, I pulled another name out of the book.

I put your hands together for Andrew Gilovano. Andrew Gilovano. Here he comes. This is it. It has begun. A man with a backpack and a lanyard. It is Andrew Gilovano. What's up, Skankfest? Alright.

So I was shopping for a flashlight, and it's pretty overwhelming. So I go to the combo pack section, and you're just flooded with these vaginas, assholes, and mouths on the ends of flashlights. It's a lot to deal with. So there was one that didn't, it stood out. It was a combo pack.

You get a blue and a gray vagina, which I'm thinking isn't very realistic unless she's dead am I right? like they fish her out with some nets you know it's not pretty anyway so it's blue and grey it was called alien vs predator combo pack like the movies I'd be nervous to stick my dick in that alien thing

cause I'd be worried those little chompers inside would bite off my helmet but I don't know and the predator one was disgusting it had like fangs on the outside. I remember that part of the movie where it's like, come here, Predator. I've got the bratwurst for you. Get to the chopper so I can pound your

schnitzel. I don't remember that part at all. Anyway, so there was an even weirder one. It was a walking dead pack, and it was a zombie's vagina, and I think if somebody saw it... Oh, the bear is out. The bear came. What was the... What was the end of the Walking Dead

one? What was the Walking Dead fleshlight like? It's basically like, you might be a necrophiliac. It's like, the FBI should knock on their door and check them out. They might have some dirt on them. Literally, they might have cemetery soil under their fingernails. Wow, it got worse. It got worse.

Ended with a low low there. Fuck yeah. Do you have any of these fleshlights in your backpack right now that you're wearing? I've got them for sale. Legion of Skanks fleshlights. Tony Hinch lived in this kid. You want one? Little Jeremiah. I didn't like this guy one bit, Tony.

One day. Oh, man. You owe me four coins in the swear jar. Andrew, is any of that true? Were they themed flashlights? Yeah, they really exist. You can go there right now, go in the deal section. Do you work for flashlights? No.

This is just like, it just came to me. I don't know. I saw it. Poor choice of words. I mean, I literally just saw it and I was like, this is funny and I'll talk about it. I don't know, it just literally happened. Yeah, well, you were right about one of those things. You did talk about it.

Thank you, thank you. How many times have you done comedy? I took like a comedy class in like, you know, February. We many times have you done comedy? I took a comedy class in February. We can tell, we can tell. Like two or three months. Well, that's a pretty good commercial to not take comedy classes. I'm just surprised. I'm surprised you went to a comedy class and the teacher was like,

now really explore the different types of flesh. Maybe, I don't know, you could take this one if you want. There's an alien one that bites off your helmet. Throw in a Schwarzenegger impression. I like... God damn it. Comedy classes are such goddamn bullshit of failed comics ripping off younger comics.

You should never be in a position in life where you go, you go, you know, my professor told me that my fuck toy joke was really coming along. I didn't do that joke there. I didn't do that joke. I had to keep it clean. There was like a principle in there. I was just like, you know, I had to hide my true nature.

Principles are the worst. Andrew, how old are you? I am 30. 30. Do you own a you? I am 30. 30. Do you own a flashlight? I do not. Do you have a girlfriend? I did, but we just broke up. That's actually how it happened. You ran your material buyer

and she's like, put your shit in your backpack and get the fuck out of here. All right. Here we go. No, no, no. I was saying that's what she said. I'm not telling you to leave yet. No, no, no.

I said, get the fuck out of here and pack up your shit. I didn't hear what he... He was taking molds of her pussy while she was asleep. It looks like he used to... Like, he sells Coke now, but he used to sell candy in high school. One thing I will say about this guy, he really does know how to dress. I don't know where you find

dress pants shorts, but I want them. Did you have to go to a formal event in Puerto Rico after this? Andrew, what do you do for a living? I work for the USPS. Mail carrier. Part time. Also work at Best Buy too.

Can't believe you work with mail with bad delivery. I like what you do. Still waiting on one of those package punchlines to arrive. He's the king. My dad said that he was a mail carrier. And then all of a sudden, he introduced me to another dad.

How long have you been working for the Postal Service? Like three years, I think. Wow. Are you... What do you do? I drive one of those boxy trucks. I'm a mailman. Wow, you're a real mailman. Like a substitute.

Like, if they go on vacation, I work. You're a substitute mailman? Holy shit. The pinch hitter. Oh, my God. Got some heavy packages today, man. I'm calling Andrew. Grab your whistling hat.

We need you ASAP. Every time they call me, he goes, I said I was done with that shit. Getting too old for it, man. Come on, Andrew. We need you ASAP. Every time they call me, he goes, I said I was done with that shit. Getting too old for it, man. Come on, Andrew. We need you. Is it like being a substitute teacher? Do your people not take you seriously when you arrive? Sometimes they're like,

Oh, fuck you, dude. You're not my real mailman. Sometimes they're like, Oh, are you new? And I'm like, No, I've been here for three years. You may have seen me on and off. And they're just like, Oh, are you new? And I'm like, no, I've been here for three years. You may have seen me on and off. And they're just like, oh, is this your first day? It's a small town, so there's only two routes. And there's two women who do it.

And if they want a day off, they call me. I don't know why that made me so uncomfortable. He said routes. He made sure we knew they were both women. And they barely work. So let's just say. They're good. They're like amazing. I was like, I could do this. You see like 50-year-old women.

You saw what they were doing. You saw what the two ladies were doing and you're like, me too. Wow, you even step on my punchlines. Good job, Andrew. I'm sorry. You don't even let funny happen around you. You just cancel everything out, huh? Put it in a box, tape it up, and send it somewhere else.

Fuck yeah. Sorry about that. I sort of cut you off. What made your relationship end? Your relationship recently ended. You said that's why she broke up with me. I don't remember what you said. She had a terminal case of cooties.

terminal case of cooties. What went wrong there, Andrew? How long were you with her? Four years. Ew, yuck! And then she broke it off? I mean, it was kind of mutual. Yeah, kind of.

She was farting a lot. Come on, Andrew, stop trying to be funny. It's too late for that now. What do you think really happened? Like, this is, like, the serious part of the interview. Do-do-do-do. No, we're still friends. It's cool.

It's not sad at all. No, I mean... I've never heard a laugh that I was more sure was going to turn into a cry if we just let it go all her dreams of being with a sometimes mailman didn't pan out to all she thought they were going to be. Just a drawer full of unopened birthday cards that got delivered to the wrong house. Want to open these up, baby, see if we can get dinner?

You want to open these up, baby, see if we can get dinner? Woo! It's been a while, but this is one of the saddest things I've ever heard. It's not sad at all. Well, Andrew, you have a long way to go, buddy. Thank you. Thanks a lot. It's a lot of fun. Take note that some of the laughs you got tonight were accidentally talking about real shit

that it seemed like you didn't actually want to talk about. That's one of the secrets to comedy, is sort of like being honest and letting some shit out that makes you feel sort of uncomfortable, I guess, maybe in your case. But you had the balls to sign up here tonight. You got the party started off with a bang, whether it was your intention or not.

Thank you for having me. Here he goes. Andrew Jelovianu. He's on Twitter at No Friggin' Way Podcast. He's got a podcast. So if you like podcasts without punchlines, check that out. No Friggin' Way Podcast.

His girl's sleeping with a black guy right now. Yes, she is. A full-time mailman. She likes a man in uniform. He works for FedEx. That's the mailman that would ask him to work some days, and he'd go fuck his chick. Oh, Andrew, I could use you today, man.

Hey, yo, Andrew, I'm not feeling so hot, dude. I need you to step in. Hey, can you turn your pillow over before you leave? I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys get it? You having fun yet? Anything can happen. Put your hands together for Christian Filippone.

Filippone. Filippone. Here he comes. Here comes Christian. Come on, make some noise one more time for Christian Filippone. Okay. Wow. My wife and I had a very unique honeymoon destination. Maybe you've heard of it.

Mount Sinai Hospital. I now have a shunt in my head, which is a medical device which drains cerebral fluid down from my brain through a small tube into my abdomen so essentially inside my body there is a two and a half foot long crazy straw if anybody here wants to touch it I'll be over there after the set. It'll be $1. My father recommended that I charge $5, but I like to give a deal. I guess this is Skank Fest, so I'll end on a dark note. Mass shootings are like Star Wars movies. Keep going. You can finish. I'll let you finish. Mass shootings are like Star Wars movies.

I used to be able to count them all in one hand. But now there's a new one coming out every week. All right. Wow. I guess we found another part-time mailman, everybody. UPS. Is that true? No.

What do you do for work? I'm an optician. You're an optician? I'm an optician. Hell yeah. Well, here we go. Let's get into it, Christian. I thought he was a trophy for best Starbucks barista.

Wow. I thought it was Duncan Trussell. An Ari Shaffir headshot from 2008? I thought he was a big, dumb, dumb idiot. Christian, how long have you been doing stand-up? Five months. Five months.

Fuck yeah. And you opened up with your honeymoon destination was Mount Sinai. That's a hospital? That is true, yes. Right. And that's here in New York? I live here in Queens, yeah.

Yes. The hospital is Mount Sinai. It's a? I live here in Queens, yeah. Yes, the hospital is Mount Sinai. It's a famous hospital. That is correct, yeah. It's not famous in this room here tonight. Apparently not, no. And then you said that you have a straw in your body that drains fluid from your brain to your abdomen. Yes.

Why does your brain produce so much extra fluid? Because I had a tumor. I had a brain tumor. Was it cancerous? Thankfully not, no. How long ago was that that you had the tumor? Two years ago. Two years ago?

Yeah. Wow, and how did you find... How did you find out that you had a tumor? Most people start to, like, their eyesight starts to get a little wobbly. That did happen. And then I also... So you were just a really shitty optician for a second. Optician, yes.

Optician, sure. No one gives a fuck. I have perfect vision. I'll never need to know what the name of your job is I have the eyes of an eagle and a brain that produces the perfect amount of fluid you're always wagging dick

about your brain fluid secretions Tony I mean not everyone's as lucky as you it's one of my credits that I like to get brought on stage to, you know? You know, as a host of Kill Tony and a perfect amount of brain fluid, ladies and gentlemen. So, Andrew, wow. So you've been doing it five months. Are you getting a lot of stage time?

My name is not Andrew. I'm the last guy that you are correct. Very good. Wow. Your piece of paper slipped off the pad there for a second. Nah, bro, we were just testing your brain fluid. You passed. Good work.

Good job, Mount Sinai. Shout out to Mount Sinai. All my Sinai heads. Maybe your Mount Sinai reference didn't work because you're speaking to 300 people, not a single one of whom has health insurance. Sorry, sore subject.

If they get hurt, they're pretty much dead. They go to Mount Sayonara. Christian, you seem like a guy that has some cool hobbies. You still play like Magic the Gathering or some shit like that? Like what are you into? I like watching baseball a lot.

Oh, me too. Yeah, you a Yankees fan? No, I like the Mets and the Dodgers. Oh, that's why you got a tumor. Wait, what? What else about you? You like watching baseball? Like, if you were going to make a Tinder profile, what would that look like?

What would be your bio? Well, I'm married, so I wouldn't make a Tinder profile. Okay, if you were going to make a Grindr profile, what would you do? I play bass in a reggae band. Really? I really do. Wait, in what kind of band? Reggae.

Reggae? Reggae. Wow. Even I know to not put that on Grindr. How long have you been playing bass in a reggae band? This band for about a little over three years. Oh, wow. Well, that's cool. What's the name ofgae band? This band for about a little over three years. Oh, wow. Well, that's cool. What's the name of your band?

The Far East. The Farties? You had to tell a reggae band that you had a brain tumor and had to take a break for a minute? That had to be a fun conversation. Oh, get better, man. Sorry to ear about your brain fluid.

We're draining. We're draining. We're draining. We're draining brain fluid too. Right into your abdomen. That's the best thing they came up with? Just digest your own brain fluid? Why not just have it leak out of a tube

right out of the side of your head like sap out of a tree? Do you want to see it? Yes. Who wants to see this guy's brain fluid tube? What the fuck are you talking about? Alright, I guess it's a big reveal.

Wait, what? Alright, so this is the All right, I guess... There it is. Big reveal. Wait, what... All right, so this is the slit here where they inserted it. Oh, what a letdown. I thought it was on the outside, man. I thought we were gonna see fucking Quado or something. I thought he was gonna put... Wow.

Does it ever get clogged or anything? Does it smell? Is there any smell to it? It has not gotten clogged. Do you ever open up your flesh and smell your brain tube? No, I don't. How long have you been married for? Just over two years, right before the brain surgery.

Did you meet your wife while you were playing bass for the reggae band? Before that. Where did you meet her wife while you were playing bass for the reggae band? Before that. Where'd you meet her? We actually went to college together. Yeah, what'd you study in college? Political science. Just like any good ophthalmologist. It's an optician.

All right. How'd you switch? What happened with political science that you got into eyes? So I just lost all hope for politics. Why? Things are more stable than ever. I honestly just fell into the job of optician. How'd you fall into it? How do you fall into that?

I started working for a company that had a free training program. So I took it. Well. Yeah. Wow, so you followed your dreams. Free training, I'll do it. Well, just think of how close you were to being a U.S. soldier.

It's all right. Christian, what's the most physical activity you've ever done you're built like me and that's an insult um the most physical activity i did like two weeks of freshman football when i was in high school whoa you did two weeks of freshman football while you were in high school. Whoa. You did two weeks of freshman football while you were in high school? That was about it. Hold on, go ahead. I saw him bench press an inhaler once.

What happened when you were playing football? I ended up at the bottom of the pile, and I just realized it wasn't for me. You could have just said, the inevitable happened. What happened in football? Just what you pictured? The bottom of a pile.

And what happened when you were on the football field? Anyway. Alright, Christian. That's about you getting butt raped. It was nice to meet you, dude. Congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. It's Christian Filippone. He's on Twitter at

C-P-Freely. F-R-E-E-L-Y. Fuck yeah. You guys having fun? Put your hands together for another Italian-sounding name. This is so New York. Put your hands together for another Italian-sounding name. This is so New York. Put your hands together for Anthony Passaretti, huh?

Welcome to fucking Skank Fest. Anthony Passaretti live in New York City. Olive Garden. Come on, everybody. One more time for Anthony Passaretti. Olive Garden. Come on, everybody. One more time for Anthony Passaretti.

I'm looking for a new job right now, but it's not going well because the one I want, I don't know if it's real. Do you guys think Wheel of Fortune staffs full-time writers? Think about it. There might be some guy out there who wasn't prepared. They come in like, what do you got today? And he's like, cotton sweatpants. And they're like, yeah, that's a puzzle.

Sure, go home. That's it. Write one page of anything. You'll want to die. It'd be a great job. I don't know. I used to valet cars. On this kid's first day, he gathered us all up, and he was like, hey, do you guys do drugs? I do all of them. And we were like, we're valeting cars right now. So like, yeah, but later, dude. Like, not now. That kid got fired because he crashed his car into one of the cars we parked, which was the only thing they told us not to do the whole time. I used to, I worked in a lot of restaurants. I liked being a bartender because you could like fuck with people back. You can't do that as a waiter.

Like I'd only ID people I didn't like. Like once some guy came in and was like, hi, can I have a rum and Pepsi? I was like, what? ID? That's not, that's not how you say that, you fucking weirdo. I wanted to make sure he was a person. Fuck yeah, Anthony Passaretti, ladies and gentlemen. Hi, Anthony.

Hey. How's it going? Not bad. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two years. Two years. And all How's it going? Not bad. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two years. Two years. And all here in New York? Yeah.

All right. What do you do for work? Right now I work in a doctor's office pulling files for them. Wow, you're a file puller. Yep. Man, one of the most highly demanded jobs in all of business right now, a file puller at a doctor's office. What do you do when you're not pulling the file?

Pretty much this. You do comedy in between pulling files? Yeah. All right. Well, you must be fun at the office. Right. I love it. Well, that's interesting.

How old are you? 24. 24. What other things do you do? What else are you into? You seem like stand-up's a good fit for you, but I can't picture you really doing anything at all whatsoever. Right?

Yeah, I mostly just stare at walls waiting for spots. That's exactly what I was just going to say. You seem like you just would sit at a table by yourself and just look forward, not really read anything. Five hours to comedy and or file pulling so what else is there to it there i mean there must be something there must be something you're passionate about yeah i like music a lot i play guitar you play guitar you're in a band too i used to be not in a while like high school and college and stuff. You ever think about joining a reggae band?

No. Reggae's hard. I played punk music. It's for people that can't play music. A guy with a fucking tumor tube to his belly plays it. How hard could it be? I played in bad bands. You ever sing in those bands? No, I'm a horrible singer.

Are you? Yeah. Wow. Can we hear just a little? What do you want to hear? Sing your favorite song. I'm Italian. Screen doors of lambs. Mary's dress waves.

Okay, you were right. Told you. Wow, yeah, I totally believe you. Is Godsmack here? Is someone playing Godsmack? You have a girlfriend? Yeah. How long have you been with her?

About a year. Where'd you meet her? At an open mic. She's a comedian, too? No, she was just in the wrong spot. She was an audience member. Yeah. Yeah.

And so did she come up to you after your set? Yeah. And what'd she say? She said... I want my money back. If you think she paid to see him, I got a bridge to sell you. Go ahead.

What'd she say? Just basic stuff. Like, you were funny. You want to buy me a say? Just basic stuff. Like, you were funny. You want to buy me a drink? Stuff like that. Girls sound like they're the worst. Wow.

So you bought her a drink? Yeah. Did you hook up that night? Yeah. Wow. Look at you. Little fucking stone cold killer. Whoa.

Did you come inside her? Jeremiah! Did you? No, not that time. No, you pulled out. Where'd you shoot it at? Condom. You shot it in the condom?

Yeah. Did you pull out with the condom on, or did you just keep coming inside, but with the condom on? Yeah. Right. Is that because you came super quick and you just kept going and acted like you didn't? Good question. Not that time.

Not that time. I've all been there. You lasted a while the first time? I don't know. What's a while? For you, 25 seconds. Yeah, about that. Wow.

Did you do anything else crazy in bed? Did you pull her hair like it was a file? Yeah. Thumbing through her pussy like he's looking for one. Do you have any special moves that you do in the bedroom? Nothing like no signature moves or anything. No signature moves? Jesus, what is this?

I didn't ask if you have a finisher, like Hulk Hogan or something like that. Oh, you mean the inverted leg drop that makes all the ladies squirt? I usually just eat her pussy for about 15 minutes, then hit her with the DDT and call it a night. She never saw it coming. Do you have any cool catchphrases like, whoops? Oh, no, I'm going to try to incorporate some now. What's the weirdest thing that's ever happened to you in the bedroom? You seem like a guy that's like

had some interesting stuff happen to him Anything like that? Any embarrassing moments? You ever like accidentally? Oh, yeah, once during a girl was like, wow, you're the ugliest dude I've ever done this with That was in college, That's a real story. Can you repeat that for me?

She was so out of my league and she realized it in the middle. She was like, you're the ugliest dude I've ever done this with. She told you you're the ugliest dude? Hell yeah. You must have came so hard immediately. You're damn right, you stupid bitch. Fooled you.

Oh, fuck. That's what's great about comedy. That's an experience. Everyone can relate to it. Isn't that the worst when you're fucking a chick and then she wakes up? Damn it. How'd you hook up with a hot chick

that was so far out of your league? College, alcohol, who knows? Yeah, okay. Alright, Anthony. Anything else you guys want to ask Anthony or talk with him about? I've made him feel bad enough, I think.

I don't like that girl called you ugly. Just so you know, the market does decide why things are created, and moments like that are what the donkey punch is made for. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Jay, I love when you talk free market. I know you do.

I know you do. Jay doesn't get into economics much, but when he does, he's always on point. I almost leaned in you and went, the market decides, right, Dave? Right, okay, I'll say it. Well, there you go, Anthony. I can't it. Well there you go Anthony, I can't remember a damn thing you talked about up here tonight, but we had fun interviewing you afterwards and that's pretty much all that

matters. There he goes, Anthony Passaretti everybody. He's on Twitter at AnthonyPass94. Let's just keep flying through it. How about another hand for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins over there? All right, here we go. Mario Scarpadalucci.

This is a pretty American-sounding name. Put your hands together for Danny Braff. Danny Braff, here he is. We're coming right from the second row. My name's Danny Braff. I live in a small town, Flemington, New Jersey. And I don't know if you saw this in the news, but a couple months ago a guy died

In our Walmart bathroom When I saw that I was like That must be the greatest shit of all time For it to kill him Incredible The guy died on a Sunday night They found him, get this Tuesday morning

Do you know what that means? That means that person that checks off, they clean the bathroom, is bullshit. Because you know the Monday morning person comes in, opens up the door, goes, nope, that's That's a Tuesday problem. Clean. And people are always saying, like, oh, I want to dine my sleep. But that's because they don't know a Walmart bathroom's an option. Thank you. There you go, Danny Braff. Probably the best set of the night so far

That's fun, you got a big applause break there Fun, full joke Flemington, New Jersey, how far is that from here? An hour and 20 minutes if you drive But I took the train, it's like two Hell yeah You been doing stand-up a while? Three years

I'm sorry, I'm a little bit nervous I'm shaking It's okay, the hardest part's over Just answer the questions honestly And you'll be fine It's just cruise control at this point This feels like a trick Anyway, yeah

If you just answer honestly, everything's going to be fine. What's the creepiest thing you've ever done? I do magic. Really? Oh, I love it. Can you show us a little something? What can we give you or do? Not here. I don't have anything on me and I wasn't here to do anything. Oh, that's what they

all say. Hold on a second. I didn't bring any of my stuff. Rabbit, rabbit, pigeon, pigeon! That's the problem. He's already pet all of his rabbits to death. He's trying to learn some card shit, but it's a transition period. Not another!

He's got to flip the hat over and it falls out. What's one of your coolest magic tricks that you know how to do? I have someone think of a card and then it's in my wallet. I don't know. That's the answer.

Dude, you just have to explain a magic trick without doing it. Make some cool shit up. And then my mom reappears in North Korea. Make an elephant appear on stage. It's fun. Can you make my dad reappear?

Danny, you get a lot of pussy in the magic business? No I mean, there's different styles I think if you're David Blaine, you're going to get pussy from magic There's different styles One is to be good looking That ends up getting delayed pretty often

Hell yeah You're like Cr Chris Angel food cake. That's so funny. Do you have a magic name? Like, do you have a special name? No, but I'll give you a good answer. When I was younger, I started when I was like little, seven,

and I used to go, when I was little, I went by Abracadanny. Wait, what? When I was like little, and I was first starting, I went by Abracadanny. Abracadanny. Wait, what? When I was little and it was first starting, I went by Abracadanny. Abracadanny?

Wow. Fuck yeah. When did you lose that name? Were you like 14, 17? I think probably 12, around. 12, you're like, I'm hanging up the magic hat forever. I don't care how many rabbits fall out of it. All right, well, I mean, you do magic.

What do you do for a living? I work at Costco handing out samples. Wow, getting high on your own supply, huh, Danny? Would you like to try some of these slices of ham? I can personally guarantee they are delicious. Fuck, yeah. One for the customer, two for Danny. And

Danny the Uncomfortable makes the pizza bagels disappear. Prepare. Prepare. Are you ready? How long have you been working at Costco? A little over a year now. And how do you think that's different than other grocery stores

when it comes to being a guy that gives away free samples? Do you find people want more? Do they get mad? So it sucks because... Well, no,? That they get mad? So it sucks because... Well, no, it doesn't suck. No, it sucks. I can't even imagine. I can't even imagine doing a job like that. But go ahead.

Depending on what you're doing, if you're doing something that you have to fucking cook, then it takes forever to make it, and then they're gone in 30 seconds, so you have to turn a billion people away. Wow, that sounds like the worst action movie ever, right? Gone in 30 seconds. The tale of bagel bites at Costco. But what's funny,

sometimes someone will come up to me and they're like, how long is it going to be? And it's going to be like one minute before it's ready, but I tell them 10 minutes because I'm going to send them away and then they come back

and it's like, oh, you missed it. And it's fun doing that. I'm laughing because I've been that dude. Well, how long do they take once they're on the thing? I tell them more time on purpose just because I don't like them. Interesting. So not only, now that we know that you work at Costco, we are also aware that your joke that's anti-Walmart.

There's more to it that I couldn't do because I didn't have time, but then I go into the Costco stuff. You have a much bigger, bigger joke about Costco than what you had about Walmart. That makes sense. All right, Danny. Well, what else? What else do you do for fun or that makes you different than other humans?

Other than comedy. I don't do that much other than comedy, magic, and Costco. That's my life right now. Comedy, magic, and Costco. When you make your first special, please call it that. Comedy, magic, and Costco. Laughs in bulk.

Yeah. Alright. Well, Danny, you had an absolutely hilarious joke here tonight and fun stuff. Thank you very much. Congratulations. There he goes, Danny Braff. Hell yeah. hell yeah keeping this fun train moving along let's get Justin

Finkelstein here we go Justin Finkelstein that's exactly what I was picturing when you read the name if you just said guess this guy's name I would have said Justin Finkelstein That's exactly what I was picturing when you read the name. If you just said, guess this guy's name, I would have said Justin Finkelstein.

Let's restart it one more time for Justin Finkelstein, everybody. Holy shit, dream come true. All right, so I'm not usually used to performing for an audience this small. I'm a little bit nervous here tonight. All right, so... Okay. Two extra tickets to Skank audience this small. I'm a little bit nervous here tonight. All right. So, okay. I had two extra tickets to Skank Fest this week. And I sold them, no problem. And I posted on Twitter that I had these tickets. And best comment come from Gutter Snipe from Fort Wayne, Indiana. He says, Finkelstein

first, Jewish. He says, check it out, bros. This might cost you dearly. And then he puts the Jewish star right down below it. Okay, so if you see a girl named Rachel here who's missing a pound of flesh, just know that she should listen to Gutterstipe next time he says something. All right, that was awesome. All right, my grandfather's Ruben Finkelstein. My wife's Chinese. Wow, there you go. All right. By far the worst set of the night, but I can already tell it's definitely going to be the best interview.

So let's get right into it. There's no doubt about this, Finkelstein. Yes, sir. Adolf Hitler never made a Jew so nervous. That was the energy of a guy who just got shown pussy for the first time. So what do I, like, with my face or what? first time. So what do I,

with my face or what? Justin Bingelstein, you have the spirit of a 13-year-old in the body of a 59-year-old. What's going on here? You're such a giggly, happy guy. Why are you so happy? I don't know, man. I got good parents. I got good kids.

I don't... I like good parents. I got good kids. I don't... I like my life. Wow. One of my favorite things I've heard in doing this show. This is episode two, like 80-something. Dude, I mean, I don't want to get cheesy, but bucket list item. You already did. All right, fuck it.

This is a bucket list item. Why am I happy? I have good parents and good kids. Chinese boy. So, I just want to, so you have good parents. Are you at the wrong festival?

I think so. No one here has that story. What do you mean? I live across the street from the creek in the cave, literally. I walked over because I wanted to see Chrysler last year. Goddamn comedy jam, discovered Kill Tony. Listened to Jeremiah Wonders all the time, and it was just hooked. I hang out in the back because I don't want to get seen at Skankfest,

the skanks, every Wednesday night, but I'm a huge fan. I'm quite aware I don't quite fit in here. No, you're... Look at that. Fuck yeah! I think you fit in just fine, Justin. And it's funny how shit like that happens. Meanwhile, the comedians think I'm lying to them

when I'm like, if you're just honest and acknowledge who you truly are, it's amazing what can happen. Then there'll be somebody else up here, I tried fucking an Incredible Hulk flashlight and... Mr. Finkelstein? Yes, sir. I don't know how to ask you this, but...

will you be my dad? Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. I cut you off when you said you were about to say something cheesy. Do you remember what that was?

You said, I don't want to be sensitive, or whatever you said. Yeah, this is a bucket list item. Right, right, right. I've wanted to do this for a while. I work in a big bank. All my... Wow.

With a name like Fingalstein? Yeah. Oh, my God, you work in a bank. That's so shocking. Wow, you like saving money, huh? Alright. Perhaps you've had a smoked salmon or two in your life.

Yeah, what do you do at the bank? I lead a team that we make dashboards. Dashboards? Dashboards. Reporting for control and reporting. It's getting a little technical. He Jews people out of money. My dad Jews better than your dad.

Wow. Hell yeah. What do you think's the most Jewish thing about you, other than your last name? Some might say my nose, but I don't think it's... No, no, it's not that. I got my nose from you. I think I got that... I think I got that thing where people say, is he gay or is he Jewish?

Yeah. Definitely. Is he gay or is he Jewish? One guy in the front row went, yeah! That's been the thing that's been swirling in his head the whole time he's been listening. What is it? It was such an acknowledgement. He was like, yes!

This alt-right guy, for those of you that can't see in the front row, is just loving it because he doesn't know whether he's gay or Jewish. He knows that he hates him. What's he going to beat him up for is the question. This one's for being gay and this one's for being Jewish. Bingelstein, you ever gotten beat up before? Well, not in real life for a little while, but I started to train jujitsu in the last two weeks, so I get beat up a lot.

You started to train jujitsu? I plan to... You put the Jew in jujitsu. I think I got my T-shirt. I won't try to be funny anymore, sorry. And then you're probably going to sell those T-shirts, right? At a very, very high price. All right.

How many kids do you have? Two kids. Two kids. But for you? Three kids. Three kids. Three kids. How old are they?

I got an eight-year-old and a five-year-old. And a 12-year-old. And a 20-year-old. Wow. What else do you like to do? You're starting to dabble in jiu-jitsu. You just did stand-up for the first time. How old are you? I'm 42.

42. Fuck yeah. What else? I'm a 30 year professional wrestling fan. Really? Wow. Yeah, before Skankfest, ECW was the last place that I didn't fit in. Wow. That's amazing.

Unbelievable. All right, Justin. I do podcasts. I walk and talk and share my thoughts to get them out of my head. About 3,000 episodes. Nobody listens to them, but they entertain me of my head. About 3,000 episodes. Nobody listens to them. 3,000? Yes, sir. 3,000 episodes?

How many podcasts did you do today? I did three today. Oh, my God. Mostly working on my set. Dude, we have hundreds of thousands of people listening, and we do one a week, and I want to cut down. The name of his podcast is called... If you need a new Jew to be a skank,

I'd be happy to sit in, Dave. We can all just exchange for each other. It's fine. It'd be the same vibe. Justin, what is the name of your podcast? Justin Finkelstein Talks. A.K.A. Dementia. It's great to have a podcast title that you have to remember I before E

except after C every time. I like to look up Justin Finkel shit. Finkel Stein. Wow. All right, Justin. Well, I mean, you know, like I said, your set just was absolute dog shit. Can you ask me how much stand-up I've done at least?

I thought I was going to get that fast. Can you ask me how much stand-up I've done at least? How much stand was going to get that fast. Can you ask me how much stand-up I've done at least? How much stand-up have you done? First time ever on stage. Wow. Wow. My dad shows promise. How's jujitsu

been going for you? Anybody just been mean to you right from the get? Like, I'm going to fucking break this dirty chew. No, I'm at a cool gym. I'm pretty sore because I went from couch to jujitsu and I got some rib stuff and some leg stuff. I figure I can compete in the old man

tournaments and maybe have a chance, especially at White Belt. Jeremiah? One time my uncle put me in a rear naked chow and told me not to tell anybody. Is that bad? Alright, Justin. Well, like I said, your set was horrible, but it was your

first time. It's important to be doing fun things that you want to do that are fucking risky. Look at you. You're a stereotypical Finkelstein working in banks, but all of a sudden here you are doing jujitsu, doing stand-up, fucking absolutely destroying in the interview

portion by talking about how you don't fit in with things. You made them go crazy because it's so true. You truly don't fit in here. And there you go. But you fucking did it here tonight. That was very, very magical and I'm glad I got to be part of it.

There you go. Justin Wigglestein's first time on stage. Come on, make some noise for him. It's his first time ever. Make some noise for him. It's his first time ever. All right. Well, if that's proof that anything can happen, then... All right, put your hands together for Irritated Tomcat.

This should be interesting. Irritated Tomcat. Irritated Tomcat. Skank Fest. So I tried Uber for the first time. I'm from about three and a half hours up north. And they asked me directions. They asked me, so I take the tunnel, right?

And I was like, yeah, yeah. So about five minutes later, we're driving down the road. She says, I think I missed the exit. So then about five minutes later, fuck, I fucked up. All right. So I was swiping through Tinder. I'm just going to fucking go past it. So I was swiping past Tinder. So I'll swipe past Tinder.

And I've noticed a lot of gorgeous girls. But I've also noticed a lot of dogs. No, literally. People put their profile pictures as just dogs. It doesn't make any sense to me. But also I've noticed that in their profiles they have a lot of stuff like Grey's Anatomy and One Tree Hill.

You're just naming things I'm not going to watch with you. So. Alright. Tell us. Hold on. Okay. Bop, bop, bop. Try to get out that Uber thing again.

Start over and try to do it again. I totally butchered it because it's my first time. This is your first time on stage? Yeah. I've done stage. I did MMA. It's okay. I still want to know what you were trying to get to.

I want to know what the twist coming was or if you were just truly describing a three and a half hour long Uber ride. No, no. What was the thing that was coming what it was more it was more she had a russian accent and i didn't want to butcher it so i just it just went white kind of like when you said you did your first time it just everything went white for a second yeah but i killed that first oh yeah well i'm not talking i forgot what i was gonna i forgot

what i was gonna talk about and then i pulled a justin finkelstein and and rolled out of the pocket. I didn't go, well, that didn't work. Tinder. Tinder, people. But yes, you got half the story right. I did blank out my first time on stage. So three and a half hour, is that true? Did you really take an Uber? No, no, I drove down and then I've been taking Ubers around the city.

Because once I got to the hotel, i didn't want to take my car out so okay i drove down to the hotel they have valet parking i parked you drove from the hotel motel holiday inn no no i drove down to the hotel and then i parked in the used the valet to park in the parking lot tony are youchecking a disjointed story? No, no. So I drove down to the city, and then I parked at the hotel. And then I took an Uber from the hotel to here.

It's not even that it's a bad Uber story, it's just that I'm used to taxi-slash-Uber stories where a maniac Puerto Rican beats up a cab driver. So I've been spoiled, kind of. This is your first time doing stand-up. How old are you? I'm 29. 29. Why are you going by the stage name

of Irritated Tomcat? Because I didn't want to use my bastard dad's last name. So I just panicked. Wait, your dad's a bastard too? Yeah, and I am. It must be generational. I have the coolest dad in the world, Mr. Finkelstein. So, Irritated Tomcat, why do you hate your dad so much?

Tell us a little bit about it. So, pretty much he just took off and then came back. And then when he came back, I moved in with him and thought everything was going to be cool. And then he came back. What was in the pool? He came back when I was 16. And then at 18, I moved in with him and thought everything was going to be cool. Then I moved out. What was in the pool? He came back when I was 16. Then at 18, I moved in with him for a little bit just to get to know him. Then I moved out and moved on my own.

Then one day, he was just gone. All his stuff was gone. You're not good at telling stories. No, no. All the stuff that doesn't matter, you tell. I moved in. He moved out. It wasn't good.

Well, no. he came back around. Got in the Uber three and a half hours away, missed the exit. He said, should I take the tunnel? I said, sure, take the tunnel. Next thing you know, Tinder. By the way, the guy in the front row is my favorite guy right here.

He's all body language reactions. So he went, Uber, who? And then he went, I'm swiping right on Tinder. So he went, Uber. And then he went, I'm swiping right on Tinder. And he went, what? I saw that. I definitely saw that. I was just trying to establish that he took off, came back, tried to establish a relationship, and then just took off again.

Took off, came back, tried to establish a relationship, and then just took off again. Took off, came back, tried to establish a relationship, took off again. Again, these are like if Cliff's Notes had Cliff's Notes had Cliff's Notes. Fair enough. But I gotcha. What's the worst thing your dad ever did to you?

Probably cheat on my mom all the time and take off. Who did you cheat on your mom with? Who didn't he? I have people that literally come out of the woodwork and like, hey, here's your 16-year-old sister, stuff like that. It literally happens. And he'd go to the Philippines and yeah. Wow.

He literally just goes around. What does he do now? I don't know. When's the last time you talked to him? Like seven years ago. Seven years ago? Do you have his phone number? No. No? No, I don't know where he is. We time you talked to him? Like seven years ago. Seven years ago? Do you have his phone number? No.

No? No, I don't know where he is. We got a surprise. He's here tonight. Come on up, Dad. It's Finkelstein. Turns out the bank he works at is a sperm bank. It definitely is.

Wow. Irritated Tomcat. So, wow. You hate your dad that much. Yeah, I don't. It's just my Instagram, I guess. And then I just didn't want to put my last name. And I didn't... Because you were afraid that a set like this was going to happen tonight.

Oh, yeah. No, I don't care about that. I'm going to be on Kill Tony, obviously. But it's just one of those things I don't even want to... You don't want to honor your father's last name with that awesome set No not at all You should have dedicated that one to him You should have been there Rick

We just got word That your dad's actually watching The live stream of this And he just moved Further away than even the Philippines. He's moving to one of the... He just moved back in so he could leave you again.

What do you do for a living? So I do chemical fertilizing. I just ride a machine. You do what? Chemical fertilizing, so I ride a machine around listening to podcasts. Mechanical fertilizing. Chemical. I have to say chemical, or else people make stupid they make shit jokes so chemical fertilizing yeah like i'll show up and then just like you know i get the machine and then i'll put the stuff in

there i'm just joking uh no but but i just ride around machine around and drop the fertilizer you drop fertilizer yeah wow but do you ever take any of the uh any of the jokes that you've written and chop them up and mix them into the mulch? Yes. No. Whoa. I just got that and that was crazy good. I don't know if you saw it, Tony,

but front guy went... When you hit that punchline, he gave you like, there you go. That's comedy. That's comedy. but front guy went... When you hit that punchline, he did. He gave you like, there you go. That's comedy. That's comedy. Well, what's something that we would be surprised to find out about you?

Any cool hobbies or anything that you're into? I like MMA and jiu-jitsu and stuff, and then I used to do ring announcing for... What was it? Jiu-jitsu? I used to do... I like jiu-jitsu and MMA, but I used to do ring announcing for... What was it? Jiu-Jitsu? I used to do... I like Jiu-Jitsu and MMA, but I used to do ring announcing for a small MMA promotion. But he knew a lot of crazy people like Mayhem Miller and King Moe and stuff, so I just got to do... like Bruce Buffer.

What do you do with those people? No, I used to do the ring announcing. Announcing. Yeah, announcing. What's funny about that is that I literally almost can't understand anything you're saying. I'm sorry. You're horrible at enunciating, And what's funny about that is that I literally almost can't understand anything you're saying. I'm sorry. You're horrible at enunciating, and you're telling me that you're sometimes a professional ring announcer.

That's usually not followed by bombing, though. From Portland, Oregon. Wait. Alright, so I'm swiping right on Tinder. So we're having a fight. Well, there you go. Irritated Tomcat for your very first time on stage. It wasn't all that bad, buddy.

There he goes. Irritated Tomcat. That's it. He almost tripped over the mic stand, but he saved it, people. Almost. He saved it. Why don't we do something fun? You guys like special surprises? Well, this show has always had, for many years, a different group of regulars that have been part of the show. We currently have a young man named Malcolm that sleeps in his car

that's a freakishly hilarious comedian. But we've also, years ago and for quite a few years, had a regular that is an absolute monster. I think she's one of the funniest comedians of any age or anything, and she's here for you

right now. She started on the show when she was 19 years old, wrote and performed in New Minute for years. Ladies and gentlemen, Kill Tony legend, Allie McCoskey, everybody! Hi. It's good to be

here. Just by a round of applause, who here thinks I'm a lesbian? Alright, cool. I'm just trying to figure it out. I've had a crush on this guy, Bobby, for four years. He's so hot. And the other night, he texted me at 10 p.m. saying, what's up? And I was like, holy shit, this is not. saying what's up and I was like holy shit this is not

about to be innocent so I'm like nothing I run home I shave my legs and other stuff my toes why are they so hairy why are my toes so hairy we have hair as a defense mechanism it's a protection device but I've never stubbed my toe and been like, oh, thank God I didn't shave. Same goes with butt stuff. So I drive over to Bobby's. I'm doing Kegels on my way there. And that's when women clench their vagina.

I don't know why. It's not fooling anyone. Doing Kegels right before sex is like going to the gym for 30 minutes and then entering a bodybuilding competition. Thank you. There you go, Allie Makovsky. Strong minute. You really have hairy toes?

Oh my god, so hairy. And then you said your butthole's hairy too? Oh yeah. Why would my toes be hairy and then my butthole just like not? I don't know. That'd be kind of cool though. Yeah, I mean I don't really know how it works.

Me neither. Someone goes, that's a smooth asshole. And she looks back and goes, it's natural. No, I'm very hairy. Fuck yeah. Happy trail and everything. Is that true? Yeah.

I get it waxed. Ah. Yeah. What else do you get waxed? Oh, I get it all waxed. Does your butthole get waxed? it feels so good it's like this warm heat

it's just nice to have your butt touched but not like penetrated blessin' all the fellas out there well that's fun this is your first time at Skankfest you've been having a fun weekend yes it's so much fun it's so fun Well, that's fun. This is your first time at Skankfest. You've been having a fun weekend. Yes, it's so much fun.

It's so fun. It's nice because it's hot out here and I'm smelly, but everyone else is too, so you're not worried about it. You're just like, we're all here. We're all smelling things. I've always found you can feel good about yourself when you're amongst garbage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's a lot of dudes here.

So I'm just like, oh my god, does everyone want to fuck me? That's how I felt all weekend, too. The answer in both cases is yes. Fuck yeah, Ali. So what else is going on in life? Anything else

crazy? Nothing too crazy. Oh, a guy. So what else is going on in life? Anything else crazy? Um, nothing too crazy. Oh, a guy, so I work at this Wings place, and this guy walked out because of me. He was training. It was, like, his fourth day, and he just walked out, and he said I threw him under the bus, and I'm like, it's not a reality show.

I'm not like, I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to toss Buffalo and that's it. Sorry, Alex. You got to go. I'm like, I don't want to be there just as much as you. I just need money. Yeah. What kind of bus did he say that you threw him under?

I don't know. He fucked up in order, but I do that all the time. Right. Yeah. So we're on the same short bus, you know? Yeah. Same short bus. Do you get free chicken wings? Oh my God, I eat chicken all the time.

I'm literally like full of chicken. You know chicken makes your toes an asshole, Harry. That's a hot wing. That's going to put hair on your asshole right there. Oh, the habanero? That's going to put hair on your asshole right there. Oh, the habanero? That's going to put hair right on your goddamn toes. I'll be honest with you. I guess I'm a release. It's worth it. It's worth it.

Well, that's fun. Well, Allie has been writing and performing brand new minutes for many, many performances on this show. I think she's a monster comedian. Yeah, you've got to see her live. I saw her live last night and amazing. It's great seeing her

at a longer set because I only see her minutes at a time. She absolutely destroys on real stand-up shows and one of the cool things I think about her doing a little guest spot here tonight is you guys are going to remember that you watched her do a minute because I think she's going

to be one of the best comedians in the world one day. Freakishly funny. Already opening for Rogan and me and a bunch of other great comedians. There she goes. Allie McCoskey, everybody. What do you say we go back to this bucket again, huh? Alright. Ooh, everybody knows if you've ever listened to this show that I love one-word names. It's just, it almost always works.

You know, two-word names, say, for like an irritated tomcat, they don't always work, you know what I mean? But a one-word name, let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for Judy. Judy. Oh, here comes Judy. That's exactly what I thought he would look like. Come on, Judy.

Get up here. Come on, everybody. It's only 2.40 p.m. Make some noise for Judy. You still have energy left in you. What's up, guys? My name is Judy, kind of. I'm from Philly. Philly, yeah.

And I'm not a comedian at all, so I'm just going to be sincere, guys. I just want to say thank you to all you guys. You don't know what this weekend means to me. The invaluable self-esteem boost that I'm going to walk away from this weekend means to me. The invaluable self-esteem boost that I'm going to walk away from this weekend with

is something else. On a normal day, I walk around New York City, I'm like, maybe a seven? But here... Shit. I know, I'm sorry. You know who you are. Some guy's like, oh, dude, seven. I got you beat, bro.

We're not talking BMI here. But thank you. Seven, Jesus. I didn't know I was putting up Tony Hinchcliffe numbers here. Wow, you really burned me, dude. You really showed me. That wasn't a burn. What does that mean? I didn't really understand any of it.

Oh, I'm sorry. A low BMI means you're skinny. Oh, okay. Alright, Judy, well, let's just get into it. Have you ever done stand-up before? No.

Well, cool. There you go. All right. Relax, asshole. I'm still. Oh, no. It doesn't matter what I do because I've never done it. Didn't know I was going to get called up so I can do anything I want.

We get it, Judy. Sorry. You're relaxed. Nothing bothers you. Why do you look like you just escaped from a cult? Maybe you're it. I don't know. Okay, that's awesome. Why is it he knows a hundred uses for hemp?

It's a very useful plant. Fuck yeah, Judy. So this is your first time ever doing stand-up. Yes. Is this something you've always wanted to do? That wasn't stand-up, Tony. That was just talking into a microphone. Yeah, in the beginning, you sort of had a little footing.

You actually had it, and then you lost it. There was a part where you were just sort of really letting it rip and being honest and sort of talking about being present, and then you started, through that vehicle, you actually started to try to do jokes. This audience has been sniffing out Tinder and Uber premises

from the beginning and I think you had them there when you're like, you know, I'm just gonna talk from the heart and you had it for a second and then you sort of bailed ship on that. So what were you planning on talking about if you got pulled out of the bucket? Were you just going to riff it like that?

Yeah, I mean Did you have a go-to plan that you had in action before you signed up? Not really. I mean, that was kind of the plan and I was going to get to No, there's only 60 seconds on the show.

I was going to say that I realize I'm being an asshole, but unlike a lot of comedians, I do have my dad's phone number. You do have your dad's phone number. I'm not that broken. We all know how to get a hold of your dad. It's called praying to God. Yes. Where there was one set of

footprints, it's because Judy gave his pal a piggyback ride. You get a lot of pussy looking like a short Jesus? Used to. What happened? He died and came back three days later. The Bhagwan Rajneesh said he's not allowed to.

Rules are rules. Rules are rules. So you seem like a pretty free spirit. What else are you into that is like the way you look? You do yoga. I do yoga, sure. Yeah, what else? You play music? You play didgeridoo? Never. No, what do you, sure Yeah, what else? You play music?

You play a didgeridoo? Never Now what do you play? Acoustic what? Drums mostly Acoustic drums Yeah You fuck chicks with hairy toes?

I have on occasion, yeah You give her a heads up, she'll shave those things This guy makes me feel icky. What do you do for a living? I'm a musician turned actor. Wow, really? And you play drums? I played drums for a long time.

My band kind of stopped. But you're a musician for a living? I toured for a long time, yeah. With a band? Yes. What was the name of the band? Needle Points. Needle Points. Did you ever sing any of the lyrics? Like

as a singer? Yeah. I've sung the lyrics, but not on stage. That's not my job. That's not your job. You just play the drums. Yes. Alright. Alright. All right. And then you did some acting. What have you acted in?

I was in a Funny or Die video that premiered yesterday. Wow. What did you play in that? Die. Wow. I'll take it from you. Thank you. But you do that for a living?

That's how you make your money? I'm broke. You're broke? Yeah. Wow. You still live in Philly? I do. You still live with your parents? No. You have your own place? Yes. You still live in Philly? I do. You still live with your parents?

No. You have your own place? Yes. You have a roommate? No. Have you ever done an interview before? These one-word answers are the absolute worst. They're making this audience hate you more and more.

It's like you're checking boxes in the waiting room of a hospital right now. Yes, yes, no, yes, yes. It feels like an interrogation at Guantanamo Bay. It looks like one too. Judy, if you were going to tell us the most interesting fun fact about you, if this was the book of Judy, what would a big plot line be? What's an interesting thing about you. If this was the book of Judy, what would a big plot line be?

What's an interesting thing about you? Do you have any special skills or talents? Like you can get hard on command or things like that? I have a really long tongue. Really? Yeah. You want to show the audience how long your tongue is? Wow!

Damn. That is long. That is a long time. What do you do with that? Not as long as my talking dog, Walters. You could probably pull a NuvaRing out with that. Like, have you... You ever do that?

Red band. I've never been with that kind of woman, no. All right, Judy. Well, all right. Let's just say you don't quite have that Finkelstein interview energy. All right, we're going to move on. There he goes, Judy, everybody. Thank you for having me.

There goes Judy. What do you say? One more time? Go to the bucket. One more. All right. You sure you don't want to end on Judy's charisma? I mean, we're taking a risk here.

It could go haywire. Alright. Here you go. Your final comedian of the night will be Billy Procida. Billy Procida? Billy Procida. Here he comes. Wow.

Hey, Josh Martin, can you grab that weed bag thing that they gave me earlier that's back there? Make some noise for Billy Procida, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. It's been a really rough week for me. A kid I went to high school with jumped in front of the A train, killed himself. That was really shocking for all of us who knew him, because, like, we thought he OD'd years ago.

It's kind of like losing a friend twice. Really, you know? Kind of weird. Porn's really old. I don't know if you've ever thought about this, how old porn is. Like, ancient Romans had porn. Back in the day, they had these erotic murals

in the bedrooms and bathhouses. That was their pornography, which meant that 3,000 years ago, if you got bored of your porn, you just had to go jerk off in a different dude's house. Be grateful when you're scrolling too long for the right clip. You don't have to break in hut to hut to find the guy with the painting

you're into that day. Fuck yeah, Billy Procida. Am I saying that right? Procida? Procida, yeah. Hell yeah. So you're a New York comedian. Yeah. Been doing it a few years. Yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah.

Three, four, five years? Sadly longer, yeah. Six, seven, nine. 35 years. Nine years Alright, well that's fun We can tell that was a good tight set You originally from New York?

Jersey I've been here about a decade I like to put Jersey in the past Right I wish we could all do that How do you survive out here in New York? Like food? Yeah, how do you make money?

I do a podcast. How do you make money? I sell dumb t-shirts like this. I do a podcast. I'm very poor. I'm a very poor person. Right. Interesting.

I don't understand how you people survive, but okay. Something like building this, I would assume. You guys all like him, right? Maybe not. I don't know. What did you just try to do right there? You said how does someone survive with a podcast? They didn't agree or disagree with you. Much like us, they had no idea what you were asking them.

Fair enough. Well, that's cool, Billy. So you've been doing it years and years. This is fun for you. You've been doing other shows here at Skankfest? Yeah, I was on the Naked Roast Battle last night. Wow, you did Naked Roast Battle. Who'd you go up against?

Davidson Sinclair Boswell. Wow. Hopefully his dick wasn't as long as his name. Yeah. I was very nervous. And you did that butt naked. You came out wearing no clothes. Flair Boswell. Wow. Hopefully his dick wasn't as long as his name. Yeah. My God. He's very nervous. And you did that butt naked. You came out wearing no clothes.

Yes. Wow. Do you remember any of the jokes that they made about you? Did anything hurt your feelings? You sort of remembered it this morning, like, God damn it, my balls do look like that. No, he was pretty kind. Normally people just call me fat bal, with AIDS, stuff like that.

He just kind of attacked my father. How many people see your naked body? A good chunk, we'll say. I bet they are chunky. You in love? No, no, I'm not. What's the last relationship you've been in? How long ago was that?

I got dumped on Super Bowl Sunday. Wow. Like an hour before the game. Who were you dating? Tom Brady? Nah. I was dating this chick and I was in San Francisco visiting my sister and we had a big fight on the phone

an hour before the game. They dumped me, and then the game... They dumped you? You got dumped by the sister, too? My ex uses they-them pronouns, and I'm not happy about it, either. Wait, what? Yeah. Wait, so this freak dumped you right before the Super Bowl?

Yeah, and then I was just like, if Brady wins another fucking ring, I'm jumping off the bridge. I can't handle... And then no shit after all of that. The Philadelphia Eagles take Super Bowl 52. Yes, that is pretty cool. In legendary fashion.

Nick the Dick. Nick the... Let him have his moment. The last time anything good happened in Philly was the Constitution being ratified. I thought you were going to say Dr. J. Dr. J. What were you guys fighting about, you and the girl?

I don't know. Yes, you do. I'm an asshole to date, but they're crazy, so I thought it would work. Oh my God, it's a work. Oh, my God. It's a chick. Just call it her. You're done.

They dumped you. Yeah, exactly. You said it right. There you go. Man. All right. Billy, didn't last year you did Naked Roast Battle Against a Girl You Dated, right? Two years ago, but yeah, the first Skank Fest, my ex, Andrea Allen,

who's a very funny comic in New York. Yeah, we battled. You don't have to sell her so hard. I won. You won that one. Did you win last night? Yes, I did. I can only win Skankfest battles when I'm naked, apparently. Well, you should have done Kill Tony naked, too.

No, I'm kidding. It was a fun set. What else about you, Billy? Any other fun facts about you that we would find interesting? I have a crippling gambling addiction and played 12 hours of backgammon three days ago in Union Square. Wow!

12 hours of backgammon? You're gambling playing backgammon? Yeah. Jesus, that is a bad gambling addiction. That's going to be my question. How do you gamble? That's like getting a Chinese checkers or something. 1-800-BETS-OFF.

What? Back gammon. How do you get that deep into back gammon? It's a deep, dark hole, dude. Just one homeless guy waves you over in Union Square, and 12 hours later, you owe him $4. Four?

After 12 hours, I'd rather lose hours later you owe him $4. Four? After 12 hours I'd rather lose hundreds of dollars than just $4. Well you bought that homeless guy nothing. Yeah, that's right. So backgammon isn't something you do all the time. That was sort of just a random No, I mean not all the time but I play here and there

a few days a week. What are some of the other things that you've lost money doing and playing? Will you gamble on pretty much anything? Are you one of those guys? A bit, yeah. I'm a big craps guy. Craps are my favorite game. Craps? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. You know craps? Yeah, yeah. I know the game, yes. Okay. What's the most amount of money you've ever lost? In like one session?

In pretty much, I mean, to answer the question. In my life, I probably could have sent a kid to college. Do you have a kid? No, thank God that I know of. That's good. In that case, I'd probably use the terminology like could have bought a new car or something like that because it's weird that you would say I could have sent a kid to college. I chose not to.

I like gambling on Mohegan Sun because I feel like when I lose, I did some good. I bought textbooks for some kid. For an Indian kid? At the Indian casinos, they all get when they turn 18 a shit ton of money that partially comes from the revenue of the casinos.

And a lot of them use that to go to college. That's just a myth they tell the white man. It's a bunch of bullshit. So shut the fuck up, Indians. Take your school books for free. I love it. Well, Billy, do you smoke pot? When I have pot, yeah.

Wow. I've never paid for pot in this country. Let's turn this dime bag into a 20 bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. I've never paid for pot in this country. Let's turn this dime bag into a 20 bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Double down. I'm all into it. Man, very interesting, Billy. Hmm.

Maybe not that interesting, I'm guessing. Yeah. I guess so. He wants me offstage, this guy. Well, Billy, I sort of want you offstage, too, and I don't know how to wrap it up and put a big ribbon on it. Body language, anything? There he goes, Billy Procedo, ladies and gentlemen.

I'll tell you what, from the great people at Infinite CBD, they gave me the coolest thing to give out today. On top of a CBD beard oil and a t-shirt, they have this amazing thing called a genius pipe. Am I saying that right? Yes. It's a genius pipe. And this is an official... Actually, no.

This is the one that I'm supposed to have. This is the other one. I got a Tommy Chong one. But in here is an official, if you slide this thing, it's an official Legion of Skanks one. And I was going to give it to somebody random, but you know what? I think Body Language Guy are in this shit tonight, right? Make some noise for Body Language Guy. Just going to show you can even kill from the audience here on Kill Tony.

So much fun stuff. Anything you guys want to plug or anything? I mean, we're already in the middle of Skank Fest, but let these fuckers know. Anything else? How about make some noise for the great Dave Smith and Big Jay Oakerson, everybody. How about the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, huh? everybody.

How about the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, huh? Jeremiah has his own show later today, Stand Up On The Spot. Yeah, and also I got inflatable saxophones and my shirt right over here, so if you want one, come get one after the show. Make some noise for

one of our favorite comedians in the world, an absolute killer stand-up and a producer of Kill Tony. Josh Martin is here from Los Angeles, everybody. He's helped us with every episode of this show ever. One more time for the great and powerful Ali Makovsky, huh?

Brian Redband. We're taking this show on the road to Montreal, Cleveland, Fort Wayne, Nashville, Lansing, Grand Rapids, Detroit with Danny Brown, and Toronto, Canada all in the month of September. So that's going to be a lot of fun. And we've always, always, always, both times that we've done this show in New York City had so much fun. So thank you, live audience. And we're going to bring it back again. We'll be back here before next year's Skank Fest.

And so be on the lookout for that. We love New York City. You guys are always so much fun. So thank you so much, everybody. Have a great night. That was Kill Tony live from New York at Skank Fest. Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody. Yeah.