KILL TONY - KILL TONY #279

Episode Date: July 26, 2018

Ryan O'Neill, Jeff Danis, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 07/23/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony, including past episodes and tour dates. Click on tour dates to see us live. Not only do we record every Monday at the world famous comedy store at eight o'clock, but we're on the road. We're going on this huge tour. I'm in Montreal right now. But this, in a couple weeks, we'll be in Cleveland, Cincinnati, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Nashville, Tennessee, Lansing, Michigan, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Detroit, Michigan, and Toronto for Just for Laughs for Toronto.

Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Also, if you want to go to TonyHinchcliffe.com, there you have everything Golden Pony. And RyanJEbelt.com, he's the house artist that draws every episode. And if you want to get the new Kill Tony shirt, go to ShopSquad.tv. There you have Kill Tony shirts, you got Death Squad hats and mugs, you got everything. So go to shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store Main Room

for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Let's go. Hello. Hi, everybody. Make some fucking noise. We're at the number one live podcast in the world. Brian Red Band's here.

Hi. Our bags are packed. We're ready to head to Montreal, Canada tomorrow to do a Kill Tony there. Ryan J. Ebelts here drawing tonight's episode. He has an amazing new Kill Tony five-year poster that I just got framed up on my wall. Nice yellow frame.

You posted that. That's a great idea. It looks great on you. I went to the actual frame store, and I took a bunch of different colors and styles of frames, and I did that shit for like seven minutes until I found the right frame. Anyway, it's pretty exciting. Let's talk more about frames. I framed it right.

We're going to Montreal for our big show in two days at the Plaza de Arts on July 25th, this Wednesday. And then next week we take the show to Cleveland, Ohio. For those of you listening, perhaps maybe you're watching streaming all the way from Ohio. Maybe you're anywhere. We're going to Cleveland August 1st to do a Kill Tony there.

We do stand-up in Cleveland on the 2nd. And then we do Kill Tony and stand-up the next night, August 3rd in Cincinnati, Ohio. And then August 4th, we do Kill Tony. And I think I have a set That seems to be the general consensus In Fort Wayne, Indiana at a festival there And August 9th and 11th

We do Stand Up in Lexington And then we do a Kill Tony August 12th in Nashville And then September 20th, 21st and 22nd We're in Michigan at Lansing Grand Rapids In Detroit And then we go to Toronto the 25th through the 29th At JFL 42 Toronto Where our Kill Tony is, the 25th through the 29th at JFL 42, Toronto. Our Kill Tony is on the 28th.

That's a Friday night at midnight. I'm pretty excited to have a big, fancy midnight Kill Tony in Toronto. It's going to be fun. One of the first places we ever took it on the road. It was chaos then four years ago, and it's certainly going to be chaos. We should just actually do our dates when we're back in L.A. now. It seems like it's do our dates when we're back in L.A. now. It seems like it's do our dates when we're back in L.A. I have no idea what you just tried to say to me.

There are so many dates we should just say, hey, we're back in L.A. for one week in August, four days in July. Well, that's not true at all. We're in town every Monday for Keltoni. Wow, you're really sending a mixed message there, Brian. It was a joke. Jesus. I didn't get it. I know.

Just so that you're not confused listening to the podcast, we do the show back in L.A. every single Monday for the foreseeable future. Who knows when we're going to Australia or London, and then we might miss a Monday, but you'll know about that because we're going to plug that shit for four months before we go there. Yeah. But tonight's about tonight, right? We are in the main room of the comedy store i have a bucket

filled with comedians names it might be somebody's first time it might be a goddamn veteran that's just been waiting to make their breakthrough on kill tony you never know what's gonna happen and every week i always have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show to talk to people and meet people with us this This one's super fucking special because these guys are truly two of the funniest human beings in the world. Comedy store fucking monsters. They have an unbelievable podcast and so many funny things. Make some noise for the great Ryan O'Neill and Jeff Danish, everybody. Here we are. From Danish and O'Neal. Comedy store built fucking thoroughbreds. Guys that were hosting

the open mic when I started. Ryan O'Neal, the first MC to ever bring me up. My first time ever doing stand-up. That is true. I was. That was your very first time. You brought like 15 people. I had no choice. That's right. Entire audience. That's how I do it. You know what I mean? I always have a

support system with me. That's what tonight is it. You know what I mean? I always have a support system with me. That's what tonight is. All these people are here to laugh at me. You've upped it from 15 to however many are here tonight. Yeah, exactly. You've succeeded. We're increasing. You guys are hilarious.

Always have been. Thank you, sir. Always will be. True. Unbelievable comedy store emcees, which is where this sort of stemmed from, was me hosting a lot, watching people do three minutes, and then we go up and down. And shitting on them for the next six.

Yeah, exactly. You're like, why give them three when we can give them one? Yeah, absolutely. And just fly through it. So I'm excited you guys are back. Ryan O'Neill, for those of you that might not know, is fighting Luis J. Gomez. Yeah. Wait, who here is fighting Luis J. Gomez. Yeah.

Wait, who here is a Luis J. Gomez fan? Who here is a Ryan O'Neal fan? Wow, look at that. Finally. You're outnumbered. You're getting the Kill Tony bump tonight.

Yes, I definitely have. Luis J. didn't even do our podcast when we were at Skank Fest. He was down there weighing in with you what a pussy we had the rest of the skanks on are you nervous about this at all? are you second guessing this whole fight?

not at all man I fucking feel great I train every day and I feel fucking great do you feel better now that after being in New York and seeing him in person seeing how fat he is? Yes. Seeing how much he drinks? Seeing how little willpower he has?

Absolutely. Do you feel he might use any Puerto Rican advantages? I'm not sure there are any advantages to being Puerto Rican. I heard that the way they like to fight is they like to make sure that the power is turned off and just take you on in the dark. You might make a shank out of his fingernails or something.

They keep a ferret in their shoe. Well, this is just a taste of some of the fun that we're going to have tonight. And the show also has a band, everybody, every single week. I don't know if they were always doing this last time you guys were here, but the band guys, they commit to different characters every week, and you never know what they're going to be. Maybe they're policemen or, you know, a guy from Hogwarts

or whatever. The guy from Hogwarts? They were nurses last week. You mean Harry Potter? That guy? Yes, that is what I meant. Wow. Fuck yeah. So we don't know what they're going to do, so let's know what they're going to do.

So let's see what they're going to do. This is the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. The Kill Tony Band. Oh, shit. Here we go. Oh, wow. What?

Holy shit. Holy shit. And it appears as though these are famous Disney females? Wow. Holy shit. Wait, I'm confused. You introduced them with male names and then three hot fucking ladies come out. Yeah, this is crazy. Damn. Ladies? I'm pretty sure that's Emo Phillips over there. Oh my gosh.

That's Pinocchio meets... You've been telling a lot of lies with that nose. And then we have on guitar, clearly we have Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife. Belsa? The reduction looks great, Beth. Is that what his wife's name is? Beth, oh yeah, Beth the Bounty Hunter.

She got it legally changed. And then back here we have the lead singer from System of a Down. Sir, he's taken. All right. This party's out of control. This looks like the worst episode of To Catch a Predator of all time. Just come in, guys. Come wear your costumes.

The only thing you're catching is gonorrhea. Snow White, how's it going up there? Oh, so well, Tony. Oh, wow. He couldn't find high heels. Committed everywhere else, but none of them found shoes. Well, I am very poor. Oh, for those of you that know the history of Snow White,

I believe she was pretty poor. Duh, you retard. I didn't even know that the guy from Hogwarts was called Harry Potter. I mean, all right. So we have a bucket full of comedians' names. They get to perform in front of the Comedy Store's great and some Disney females. And you get 60 seconds, people. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. So stick to your goddamn time. We'll interview you about the rest of your thoughts afterwards. You guys ready for this shit? It's Kill Tony live with Danish and O'Neal. Into the bucket we go. And your first person breaking

the ice tonight goes by the name of John Joan Smith. John John John John by the name of John Joan Smith. John, John. John, John. John, John Smith. Blacklisted.

Oh no. John, John. It's J-O-N-N-E, the second one. Why was he using that John? He's definitely lost. I'll tell you who's not lost is this guy who's been on the show multiple times. Always funny. Put your hands together for Mikey McKernan, everyone.

Here he comes. This guy's never missed a goddamn spot in his life. One of our favorites here on Kill Tony, it's Mikey McKernan, everybody. One more time for not having a pre-show. It's really happy to be here tonight. I love doing stand-up comedy on the road because a lot of girls think I'm the guy from Workaholics. That's awesome because sometimes

you don't make enough money on these gigs, so you get excited when a girl asks you to come back after a gig. And this one night, things got pretty serious. And then they got romantic. And then after two hours of dry humping, she finally told me she was a virgin. I don't know what to say. I was like, well, every time a virgin does a put-out, an angel loses a boner.

It's because she was a Christian girl. And that confused me, because I was like, what am I doing to attract Christian girls? There you go. Mikey McKernan, everybody. You did a Jesus impression there at the end, and you fucking nailed it, dude. Thank you.

Little prop comedy. Tony, that was his first time not doing his signature. No boo-hahs. Yeah. What's his signature? Sometimes he would end a joke and sort of be all like... Can we get a joke? What? Can you do a joke and sort of be all like... Can we get a joke?

What? Can you do a joke and then you do... Can you do another joke that ends in a boo-ha? I actually agree with Snow White stepping in. She knows your beat. Right when I thought I was going to do something different, it still gets back to a boo-ha. I choked on a granola bar while jogging.

Worst running gag ever. The people love it, Mikey. I don't know why you're trying to run from your true... That's your bread and butter right there, my friend. So honored to be in front of Danish O'Neill. These guys are goddamn fucking legends in fucking legends. You're damn right They are you look like a fourth-generation confederate flag maker I Have to know what's in your back pocket it says stickers that says I'm not funny

Did you want one Yeah, I can't give them out anymore cuz if they show up on this place, I get in a lot of trouble. That's true. You don't want them to show up here. It's an old building. Well, Mikey, what else has changed in life since the last time that you've been on? Normally, you try to wrap your heads around this, guys. He works at Bubba Gump Shrimp Factory in real life.

Wait, it's Santa Monica on the pier? No, Universal Shitty. Oh, okay. The good one. Do you at least walk around on your knees like you're Lieutenant Dan? No. You have the looks. Would be great.

Some servers have, though. You're the only server there that probably looks identical to him. That was a good Halloween costume one year. And then you could be like, do you want the shrimp? And do you... I got recognized from Killed Tony literally on Sunday at Bubba Gump's.

I bet the person probably went there trying to see if you were working there. They said they were hoping to run into me. Shout out to John and Jacob. Wow, John and Jacob. I believe he missed his spot here a little bit. No, but I broke up with my girlfriend. Whoa, wow.

I went from Bubba Gum to Bumba Dump. You know what I'm saying? How did this go down? Now, remind us of the situation. You were with her for a while. I think she also worked there or something like that. Yeah, five years I met her there. Wow.

Yeah, I trained her and bought weed off her the first night And then she's like I've learned all I can learn about Bubba Gump from you time to move on absolutely Is that why you're not doing the voice on stage right now? You're tired. You're broken inside here No, I I just told myself there's gonna be next time. It's gonna be no boo haas Wow Do you still see her? She's still work there? No, no, no, she's gonna go down I literally just was like yeah, this is not gonna be forever. You're a terrible lover and then you were all like wow It's very vague though. That could be like no, I mean there is vague though. That could be like six months.

No, I mean there was... My prince will come. No, there was... You told her she was a terrible lover? Yeah, no. Did you at least go boo-ha afterwards? No, she... Immediately after we broke up, she posted that she didn't have to pretend that she thought I was funny anymore.

Wow. Whoa, whoa. Wow. You were with her for five years? Yeah It took you that long to realize she was a terrible lover? What the fuck? You're slow Let me try one more time

To see if she can step it up What makes her a bad lover? She just laid there? No, she just laid there Sex was not a happy place for her to go to. Wow. Jesus. Were you raping her?

No. What's going on here? Her past. You met her at Bubba Gump, and you're surprised she was a dead fish? Oh, you didn't think that she had it all together? Were you guys both wearing your uniforms? No, but I tried. Trying those aprons together?

She was not into any of that. Fuck. Wow. What did she post? On her Facebook, she said she doesn't have to pretend you what did she put on her facebook she said she doesn't have to pretend you're not funny anymore yeah she thought yeah you still follow her on facebook no no not anymore so someone told you that she said that on yeah there's there's a couple people who keep reminding me it's my co-workers actually whenever you know like a

week later too she like had to come back and get the rug, and she ripped me apart again. The big Lebowski? Who loves a rug so much that you're like, I got to get that rug back? You're not keeping that fucking rug. It wasn't even hers. She wanted one last fuck from the tremendous lover over there. I didn't give it to her. How do you know that you weren't the bad lover?

Ooh, deep question. I mean, I don't have video. Okay, let me fuck her, and then let let me fuck you and then I'll decide. It's about the motion in the ocean. Nobody knows that better than a guy that works in a fucking bubble gum. Is your story true about the virgin? Yeah, that's true. How old was she?

She was 28. Whoa. You took a girl's virginity? No, I didn't go through with it. Oh. Yeah, she didn't want to stick around for the resurrection. Oh, shit. You almost tore Cinderella's.

I'm sorry. Or Snow White. Who was that? Or is it ACL? For those of you listening to the podcast, he just launched his, he arched his back back and ran into Jeremiah trying to do a boo-ha. Stomped on his bare feet right there. Boo-ha-ha.

I'm sorry, buddy. You broke a princess's foot, you bitch. Wow. All right, Mikey. Well, another fun set. Always a fun interview. And a good guy. Seems like a good guy.

Yeah, he's a badass motherfucker. We love him here on Kiltoni. It's Mikey McKernan, everyone. Getting the party started. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram at Mikey McKernan. M-I-K-E-Y-M-C-K-E-R-N-A-N. By the way, when you said, like, this guy's been on the show before, like, ten people all stood up and thought they're like, it's my time to shine. That's how it happens here.

These guys are goddamn Wolverines. Say it again. This guy's been on the show multiple times. I don't know if we've met this guy before. Put your hands together for Nathan Driver. Nathan Driver. Here we go. I don't know if we've met Nathan before.

Here he comes. Wow, there's two guys coming. Are you Nathan Driver? Guy in the pink hat, you're not Nathan Driver. I'm not? Oh, I thought it was a... Nathan Driver. Yeah, I thought there was two... Get the fuck off stage. It's not me. I thought the name was... There you go. You gotta go. There he goes.

Wait, what's your name? Nathan somebody else. Keep going. There he goes. It's all good. Just got to listen. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the real Nathan Driver. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You guys like politics? Okay. My dad got on Facebook in 2018. That's actually how I found out he was a Trump supporter. There were signs. There were definitely signs before that. My dad's a big NASCAR fan. His favorite race is the Daytona 500, and his least favorite race is Hispanic people. Oh, I'm nervous. Okay. I live at home right now with my parents. It's kind of interesting dynamic. My mom's this real, like, hippie liberal.

My dad's this staunch conservative christian they're always getting these little fights like their biggest fight was over whether or not to get me circumcised my dad would say you know it's in the bible it's what we should do my mom would say it's genital mutilation it's cruel he doesn't have a lot there are you sure we should be taking away they fought about this forever man but it was my dad my dad went out in the end they they decided to give me circumcised so they booked a church they hired a pastor even ordered a bunch of food uh if you guys aren't doing anything this weekend My dad went out in the end. They decided to give me circumcised. They booked a church. They hired a pastor. Even ordered a bunch of food.

If you guys aren't doing anything this weekend. Thank you. Thank you. There you go. All right. Can we have a Nathan off? You know, I was actually thinking about that as well. What do you think?

You think we should do it? I'll leave it up to our guests. I think we should. Absolutely. All right. For the first ever time in Kill Tony history, this is an official Nathan-off. No, you stay up here, Nathan Driver. You stand on the other side of Joel Berg. Yep.

Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the other Nathan Driver, everyone. Here we go. Let's see what happens. I guess it worked. So I'm half Filipino, half white. I'll be whatever you want me to be. I'm pretty insecure.

My mom grew up poor in the Philippines and worked really hard so that I could grow up middle class which is awesome. Give it up for my mom. Yeah. But now the only thing is no matter how successful I get, nothing will compare to me coming from the Philippines. So growing up for me was like I started in a new video game, but with my mom's memory card.

Because no matter what level I get to, she could be like, yeah, but that's because I beat most of the game for you. The only reason you're in college is because I beat Manny Pacquiao on hard mode. And I got to be like, yeah, but you did marry a white dude, so that is kind of like a cheat code. So, pretty sure that's game over, bitch. That's it.

Alright. Stay up there. Stay up there. Get back up there. You come back down too. I want to apologize for bringing up the Nathan off. Nathan too wore his good pajama pants here, so he was ready to get up on stage. Nathan, too, it did not go great for you.

Snow White, what do you think about this? I like the white one. All right. Well, let's see how the interview portion goes. How about this? Every time I ask a question, Nathan, one, answers first, and then as soon as he's done, Nathan 2, you answer the exact same question. You guys ready for this?

It's a goddamn Nathan-off. Is your first name actually Nathan, or you just were... Yeah, it is. Nathan what? What's your last name? Boshur. Nathan Boshur. But if anybody said Nathan, you were just like, I'm taking this shit tonight. Your handwriting is so bad that Boshur could turn into Driver?

Yeah. You'd be surprised. Yeah, I'm taking this shit tonight. Your handwriting is so bad that Bosher could turn into Driver? Yeah. You'd be surprised. I know sometimes when you order an Uber, you never know when the Bosher is going to pull up, and you have to get into it. I really think these two guys should combine forces, because this guy's got confidence, but this guy has better jokes. Yeah, it's true.

This guy's got better credits. He was on King of the Hill as the Native American son of that guy. It's true. It's true. This guy's got better credits. He was on King of the Hill as the Native American son of that guy. It's true. It's true. You don't talk to Mowgli like that. All right, Nathan Driver, step up to the mic. How long have you been doing stand-up? Nathan, get back over there.

Nathan, too, get your ass back over there. Nathan for two on Comedy Central. So you answer the question, then you step in and answer the same question. Seven months. How long? Seven months. Okay, get away. Oh, this isn't going to feel good.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three years. Look at you. Switch to the other Nathan. Get the fuck out of here. Oh. I didn't even realize you're wearing fucking sweatpants right now.

What the fuck do you have in those pockets, dude? He's wearing work boot Nikes. It's a weird look. Snow White? He looks like he surfs, and he looks like a surf ninja. Surf ninja reference for those surf ninja fans out there. So, Nathan, you've been doing it, what did you say, a few months? Seven months. Seven months in San Diego

I'm from North Carolina but I do it in San Diego now why do you think you don't have confidence? dude I was insanely nervous up there I'm normally not but your turn Nathan too step up why do you think you were so confident?

I wouldn't say I'm very confident. This guy tried to steal this guy's identity in front of his face. That's the most confident. How could he not be a confident guy? He's like, I'm you. You saw another man walking up here, and you go, I know it's not the right last name, but this guy can't pass. I didn't see him.

This motherfucker is Shanghai Bar Mitzvah sometimes on Saturdays and then takes all the money the kid gets. You Filipino all the way? Half. What's the other half? White. Oh! What do you do for a living?

I just graduated and I'm actually just working part-time, living at home. Yeah, what's the part-time job? I just work at a church. actually just working part-time. Living at home. Yeah, what's the part-time job? I just work at a church. What do you do at a church? Set up shit. Yeah. They meet at a...

That sounds very shady when you give an answer specifically. Like little kids get molested, or what are you talking about? I set the tarps up so the priest's jizz doesn't get all over the walls. I wipe their faces off, send them home. I set up shit. I work at a church. That's just the guy they need around the church, is the shit setter-upper.

All right. Nathan Driver, you step up there. A guy that actually looks like he works at a church. You're like the Ray Donovan of churches over here. All right. You fix shit. Nathan Driver, what do you do for work? I'm a bioengineer.

Wow. What the fuck are you doing here? Someday my prince will come. Just leave comedy behind. How long have you been doing that for? Like two years. That's why I moved to San Diego for. What?

You're upset that it's only two years? It doesn't really make sense. I was hoping for four at least. What? You're upset that it's only two years? It doesn't really make sense. You're like, I was hoping for four at least. So, wow. So you don't live with your parents? No. My mom's here, though. Wow.

This guy just can't go wrong. Get her up on stage. Yeah, she is. Wow. Mini driver, everybody. Mini driver. You raised a great Nathan, man. It could have turned out like this.

A couple wrong turns. Look what you could have got. Good thing you didn't fuck a Filipino man. Who came inside of you. That's what he meant. Yes. Yeah. Sorry.

To be more specific. All respect to Mrs. Driver, Nathan. Fuck the Filipino man with no condom. Yeah. In the vagina, not the ass. Yes. Sometimes you got to be specific. Jeez, this is so fun.

Nathan, what are you afraid of? What scares you? Having this guy steal his identity? Identity theft. No, I'm allergic to peanuts. So I have like an irrational peanut. Like the Charlie Brown cartoon? No, no, the Lagoon.

I hope you're not allergic to that good, good pussy. All right, I'm going to switch to Nathan 2 real quick. Nathan 2, what scares you? What are you afraid of? Wait, quick side question. Is your mother here? No, she's not here. Probably, yeah, that would be a bad. What's she doing now?

Bombing in front of your mom. Making your race car bad? So what do you get home? Is that what you said? You're afraid of your mom? No, I said I would be afraid of bombing in front of my mom. You'd be afraid of bombing in front of your mom. Which I have, yeah.

Wow, you've done that before? Yep. Your mom went and saw you? Where was that show at? I did a black room for the very first time in New York. That's totally the show to invite your mom to. Hey, mom, doing a black room for the very first time in New York. That's totally the show to invite your mom to. Hey, mom, doing a black room for the first time. You're going to love the show and the audience.

We know how Filipinos and blacks get along. Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling. Not much. Hey, mom, want to see me get dragged off the Apollo stage? This is a good night to be proud of me. I almost feel bad. You look really pissed off. Like something's a-brewing inside you.

By the way, at your job tomorrow, if you see this motherfucker in the parking lot... Run. Yeah, kill him. Get the fuck out. Bio-engineer a weapon and stab him in the face. I don't know if I used that correctly, but I'm not a bioengineer, so.

Nathan 2, is everything okay? Jesus Christ. Is that like a bad hair day? Loaded question. Yeah. Alright, well. I mean, you know, at the end of the day, only one Nathan can win. Nathan 2, I think we're going to go with Nathan 1

over here. No, this is the first. Nathan 2. I think we're going to go with Nathan 1 over here. No, this is the first ever Nathan off. Nathan 1, step up to the mic if there's anyone you'd like to thank or anything like this. Your mother. My mom, obviously. Yeah, look at that. Can she stand up one more time? Nathan 2, you can go back to your seat.

There he goes. Nathan 2, making sure he doesn't break my neck. What's your Twitter, Nathan? No, he probably doesn't want to your seat. There he goes. Nathan, too, making sure he doesn't break my neck. What's your Twitter, Nathan? No, he probably doesn't want to plug it. That's a good point. Just hashtag bomb on Twitter. He gets a home version of Kill Tony.

Snow White. Nathan, have you seen my friend Cinderella's shoe anywhere? Oh, Jesus. Fucking disgusting. Chroma Chris's giant webbed feet have made an appearance on the show. Well, are you just visiting LA or you live here now? No, I'm just visiting. How long are you visiting for?

Just like a couple days. Well, look at that. You've been doing it a few months. You're in town a couple days. You got on in the main stage of the Comedy Store in front of your fucking mother, and you won the first ever Nathan off. There he goes, everybody. Nathan Shriver. He's on

Twitter. Now he's on Instagram at Nathan.Shriver. He's only on Instagram. That was brutal. All right. Nathan, too, really did have that look in his face like he's going to be a shooter soon. Sometimes you have to go up against somebody with your name and lose. It happens to the best of us.

It's a lesson. Jeff Locksworthy has been beating me for years. I take it. All right. Well, let's see what happens here. This guy has two first names, so it might get really wacky. Put your hands together for Scott Anthony. Here he comes.

Scott Anthony. There's only one. Scott Anthony. All right, guys. Yeah, so going through some changes recently. Just turned 30 years old. All right. And whoo! For 30 right here.

Yes. And also just sold my car I've had for like 10 years. And it was kind of sad because it reminded me of how I just recently joined a company. I was like, I'm going to be a salesman. I'm going to be a salesman. I'm going to be a salesman. I'm going to be a salesman. I'm going to be a salesman.

I'm going to be a salesman. I'm going to be a salesman. I'm going to be a salesman. I'm going to be a salesman. I'm going to be a salesman. I'm going to be a salesman. I'm going to be a salesman. and whoo for 30 right here yes and also just sold my car I've had for like 10 years it was kind of sad because it reminded me of how I just recently joined this dating app because when you're minding you're 30 years old and you're on a dating app it's kind of like selling a used car there's a lot of wear and tear there's some mileage a lot of it's emotional and mental but it's funny though because I'm on that app it's kind of hard when you're skinny.

Like, I look like I did like a half-assed job of finishing puberty altogether. And, you know, it's interesting. Nobody has sympathy for that, though, for being skinny, all right? It's like being a redhead person complaining about people's use of the word ginger. Like, nobody gives a shit. It's not that kind of a hard-R slur. Also, when I'm on that app, it's like, you know, I'm not picky. I'm not picky, okay? Which is a nice way of saying I'm lonely. Damn, that was quick.

Holy shit. All right, sweet. There he goes, Scott Anthony. All right. Scott, this is your first time on the show, right? First time, first time. Hell, yeah is your first time on the show, right? First time. First time. Hell yeah.

That was an interesting set. I think I saw Snow White dozing off a couple times. She did. I think she did. She did. Scott, how's it going, man? How long have you been doing stand-up? Doing awesome.

That was actually my third time. Third time ever. Ever. Ever. Third time. You're 30 years old. What made you want to start doing stand-up? You know, it was always one of those things I loved.

I love stand-up. I love going to comedy shows. And there's just been some different nights where I was just, you know, I'm having some fun with the friends. Everyone's kind of laughing. I was like, oh, what the hell? You know, let's go throw my name in the hat. I've been a huge fan of yours, a huge fan of the podcast. Thank you.

I watch it all the time. Has anyone ever told you that you look like a grown-up version of the Boss Baby? Oh, shit. I was going to say, he looks like a stretched-out Wee Man. They did. Oh, shit. Joel Berg has arrived. There he is.

Oh, shit. Getting warmed up in round two back there. Uh-oh. You seem very comfortable on stage. Were you in, like, plays? No, I've watched just so much fucking comedy over the years. You were the backup point guard of your grade school basketball team. Am I correct?

I was. Am I actually right about that? I actually was. I could only hit threes. That was it. No vertical. Backup point guard. I called the position and his order in the fucking lineup.

He did. You look like every backup point guard. I do. I do. I really do. He really does. Except for the black ones. Because they have talent and don't look like him.

Basketball talent. Who are some of your comedic influences? Oh, man. Besides this guy sitting right here. Huge fan. Yep. Chris. Chris. Oh, man. Besides this guy sitting right here. Huge fan. Oh, man. Chris D'Elia, Joe Rogan,

Anthony Jizzleneck. Bill Burr is my favorite of all time. Love Bill Burr. I'm sure you're right around the corner here. Anyway. He was getting there. He was too away from naming you Almost there So Scott that's cool

What do you do for a living? I am a dog trainer A dog trainer? I talk to birds You guys have a lot in common Yeah How long have you been training dogs for? I have been training dogs for, this August it will be three years.

Wow. Congratulations. What's the weirdest trick that somebody has asked you to train their dog to do? I want him to suck my dick when he hears the doorknob opening. I want him to get his head around the corner. I want him to give me the paper and then 69 me. Or there's your own personal dog training, your own dog. Exactly. I'll get his head around the corner. I want him to give me the paper and then 69 me. Or there's your own personal dog training, your own dog.

Exactly. See, the things that you can get them to do when no one's looking, it's incredible. Jesus. I would say with a lot of confidence. Good God. Is this a job that you think you're going to stay at for a while? Hey, I'm having fun with it right now, so I'm going to keep with it. So you're going to stay. Stay.

Stay. All right. Is there a high rollover rate in that business? I don't even know what that means. Jesus Christ. Holy shit, that was awesome. Did you know this going in? You wrote your pre-written jokes?

Oh, yeah. In case there's ever a dog trainer. Are you going to take it or leash it? That was pre-written. Sorry, guys. Do you have a lot of rough days? Oh, shit. I just said that was rough.

Oh, we missed it. Sorry. How much tail do you get being a dog trainer? Oh, shit. Yeah, being a dog trainer, I actually had a girl one time ask me if I could. You could fuck your dog. Yeah. What did the girl say to you?

She actually asked me if I could. If you wanted to go for a walk? Yes, yes. If I could put the leash on her, go for a walk. She's like, hey, can you try this on me real quick, see if this collar will fit? Is that true? It is very true. I've been there

You put a dog collar on a girl made her she wanted to drink out of a dog bowl of water, too Was she a comedian or a regular citizen? Stop it, Brian. She was a regular person. Do you still have your phone number on your phone? Red Band would like to know. Does she want to do the Ice House this Friday? From the dog house to the ice house. Dog night at the ice

house. Red Band's got an old leash that's not going to use itself, everybody. Wow. So did you put the collar on her? It wouldn't fit. Of course. It's the leash you could do. All right.

Come on, guys. We've gone too far down this rabbit hole, which is also what dogs love to do. Anyway. Holy shit. All right. Did you put the lampshade thing on her so she didn't try to lick her own tits? I don't think she could do it. She was so big. I don't think she could do that with or without the lampshade thing on her so she didn't try to lick her own tits? I don't think she could do that. She was so big.

I don't think she could do that with or without the lampshade. Tall or fat? Fat. Oh, that's why the dog collar wouldn't fit on her? Nothing would fit on her, yeah. Too soon, man. Too soon. I'm going to be honest with you, Scott.

I have a four-month-old puppy right now running around my house. And one of the cool things that I did a couple weeks ago is I watched the Netflix version of The Dog Whisperer. It's called Caesar 911. And I was amazed by the six episodes that I saw. I learned a lot, not just about dogs, but about human behavior and whatnot. And then I was bragging about it here or somewhere else and about how amazed I was. And they told me that all those dogs on that show are professional actor dogs. And that I got fooled.

Is there any truth to this? Do you know about this? I know nothing about that. I mean, you know, my dogs that I train might look like that, but they are not paid. They're not paid off. You know it's not true. No actors. Are you afraid of Cesar Millan?

Why won't you answer the question? He's a terrifying man. Let me ask you this. Let me put it to you this way. What's like the meanest thing? Because, I mean, there has to be something crazy that you guys do, you dog trainers, to take a fucking wild, crazy fucking puppy and turn it into some militant thing. So what's like the meanest thing you've ever done to a dog?

Really? I mean, I wouldn't say mean, but if you've ever had like a little CBD treat, it works great for dogs. You can actually give CBD treats to dogs. Do you ever wear a Michael Vick jersey just to let them know you mean business that day? You know,

that's actually what I was for Halloween. You know, I had the Michael Vick jersey and I actually had a dog trainer on the back of it. So is CBD really a way to calm a dog down? Oh, dude, it calms me down. All right, Scott. It really is. This guy's the worst dog trainer I've ever seen in my life.

It's like, if they get a little antsy, put some cocaine on the inside of their asshole and rub it around. I swear to God it works. Sounds like you're making puppy soldiers. You live here in LA? Actually from San Diego. San Diego. Made the drive up. You can drive home with Mrs. Driver.

Did you go to high school with Nathan? No, I don't want to go to any school with Nathan. If you're talking about Nathan 2, I don't want to go to school with him. No, no. Nathan 1, the good Nathan. Oh, Nathan 1. Yeah, he looked kind of like Dean Ambrose. Yeah, I would definitely go to school with him.

I'd probably cheat off his test. You should have closed on the I don't want to go to school with Nathan driver 2, or Nathan 2. You should have got off on that one, I think. Anyway, Scott, here you are. You made the drive all the way up from San Diego for this. You got pulled out of the bucket. The odds of that are incredible.

I actually called my shot, too, to my best friend there. I called. I said, hey, it's coming up next. Wow. Well, look at that. Who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks? There he goes. Scott Anthony, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you. There he goes. Scott Anthony, everybody. Thank you. There he goes. Sit, Scott. Sit. Stay. Lay down. Alright, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for DJ

Sandu. DJ Sandu. Nope. I don't see any movement. Aww. Is there any penalty for that? Like, does he get caned if he comes back next week? They get blacklisted.

Give him a CBD treat. There's no way anybody actually keeps track. It's impossible to keep track of it. We'd have to have somebody specifically just watching how the thing was going. Put your hands together for Lizzie Weissman. That sounds

like a new name. Here she comes. Be careful. She's on a chair. She's making it over. It's a long walk. All the way from the farthest wing of the Comedy Store. Here she comes. Yeah. Come on, Comedy Store. Put your hands together for Lizzy Weissman.

Hello. Hello, hello. I am Lizzy Weissman. I am from Los Angeles, California. Yes, I'm Jewish and I'm in my 30s and I'm single. Don't worry, my mom is fine. She's cool. She's trying to set me up with people. She's like, Lizzy, I'm going to set you up with this guy. He works for Disney.

He's a big head of the company. Everybody loves him. Everybody knows him. Go out with him. You guys, he was Mickey Mouse at Disneyland. I mean, it was a cool date until I had his dick in my mouth and he shouted, oh boy, that's swell.

It's like, bitch, don't bring your work home with you, okay? No, seriously, Goofy's in the corner like, hug yuck, hug yuck. You guys, I don't know, people are like, go out, you know, go to these adult summer camps, you know, that's a way to meet somebody.

I was like, ah, Jews and camps. We don't have a great relationship, so. I don't know, there's just too many apps. Tinder, Bumble, Come Fuck Me. I mean, you know. We've been on all, we've all been on that. But everyone's talking about curvy bodies. Curvy bodies are in, I'm feeling it.

But listen, don't be the motherfucker who says, I like a girl with a curvy body, and then talk to the skinniest bitch in the whole room. What kind of curves do you like? Scoliosis? Jesus. So close. So close. How does it end? What kind of curvy bodies do you like? What? How does it end?

What kind of curves do you like? Scoliosis? Oh, there you go. Everyone likes some good back humor. Snow White, what do you think over there? I'm afraid of her. She gave me a poison apple once. Oh, shit. Man, Snow White never forgets.

She's got a lot of skills, cat skills. Hi-oh! So, Lizzie, this is your first time ever on the show. This is my first time. You are one of the funniest weather ladies we've ever had on, for sure, in the history of all of our newscasts that we've had. She looks like a Jew who somehow infiltrated Telemundo's weather program. Telejundo.

Telejundo, exactly. Love it. This is exciting. This is great. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like four years. Four years? Yeah. Like all continuously? is exciting. This is great. How long have you been doing stand-up? Like four years. Four years? Yeah.

Like all continuously? You know. Yeah. Okay. A little improv, a little stand-up. I was a preschool teacher, too. Oh, wow. Yeah. Chala. Exactly.

Preschool teacher. How long did you teach preschool for? Seven years. Is that what you do for a living? I actually work in higher education now. Higher education? What does that even mean? College? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, like college. Yeah, I'm a college recruiter. Most people would just say I work at a college now. Why'd you say higher education? When you're going from preschool, you know. That's a big jump. Preschool to college? I know, right?

I was like, fuck high school. This shit's bullshit. It's a lot better for the romances with the students. Yeah. Hell fucking yeah. I was like that hot teacher. Have you ever thought about

having sex with one of your students? When you were a preschooler? Yeah. Absolutely, the preschoolers. You're like, that kid finger paints well. I bet he could do some good things with that. Exactly, exactly. I potty train kids.

I see what's up. Jesus. Oh, shit. Like it's seven years. I'll have that in my mouth. Exactly. Growing on a shower. I see what's up. Jesus. Oh, shit. Like it's seven years. I'll have that in my mouth. Exactly. Growing on a shower. I was like, I was up there.

Should direct Guardians of the Galaxy. Let's get the camera in the bathroom, everybody. A little James Gunn humor over there from Red Band. All right, Lizzy. So you've been doing it a few years. Yeah. And you've done improv as well. Yeah. Where'd you study improv at?

Second City. Ah. Yeah. Did that. It was fun. It was good stuff, you know. Do you like did you study improv at? Second City. Ah. Yeah. Did that. It was fun. It was good stuff, you know. Do you like improv better or stand-up? Stand-up.

What do you do at the college that you teach at? What do you specialize in? I recruit students to go to the school. What, do you just drive around in a van? I'm like, hey, come. Yeah, come. Yeah, if you want to see more of these. I'm the person behind the table with all the pamphlets.

And I'm a schmoozer. What's the school? I don't think I should say. I think you should. Who thinks you should? There may be a student in here who wants to go. Somebody might be looking to go to college. Anybody know who the Jayhawks are? Kansas?

Yes. Do you live in L.A., though? Yeah, born and raised. You're the L.A. recruiter for Kansas? Yeah, I do all the West Coast. I believe we have an alumni sitting right over there, Miss Snow White. You were the KU?

No, Johnson County Community College. I'm joking. Is that in Kansas? Yeah. Same thing. You made it. What was your team's mascot? They were the Jayhawks, you were the?

The Pigeons. They were the Cavaliers. They couldn't even afford a good mascot. The first time I saw a Confederate flag was in Kansas. I was like, oh, okay. Our old mascot used to just be a dirty rat. Wow. Lizzie, you've been single a while?

Is that an assumption? I'm just curious. No, like eight months now. You've been single a while? Is that an assumption? I'm just curious. No, like eight months now. Yeah, you on the Jewish dating sites or normal dating sites? I was on J-Swipe for a minute. It's a terrible name. It is. I said it feels very Holocaust-y to me, you know.

What's the bagel one? Coffee and a bagel? Coffee meets bagel. There you go. That's Jewish. Coffee meets bagel. But I heard it's a lot of Jewish guys and then Asian women. Like that's the bagel one? Coffee and a bagel? Coffee meets bagel. That's Jewish. Coffee meets bagel. But I heard it's a lot of Jewish guys and then Asian women. That's the...

That's bagel meets egg foo young. Yeah, it is. Yeah. That's the mashup there. Is your goal to stay in that gene pool? Or are you looking to expand? I don't want Tay-Sachs for my children. No.

You don't want what? Tay-Sachs? You know what Tay-Sachs is? It's a Jew disease. Okay. Oh. So you guys really... We're the chosen ones. You guys really...

Clearly. Diseases and other... No, I mean, I've actually never dated a Jew, so... Me neither. I never will. That's old Walt Disney speaking. Snow White. Don't let him do that to you.

Snow White power. That's your Halloween costume. Hell yeah. So Lizzie, what else about you? You have a big family. You guys from LA? I am from LA. My mom's from England.

I feel like baby boomer parents. My dad's actually 83 years old, and he produces black gospel music, so that's kind of interesting. What the fuck? Ew, gross. 83 years old and he like produces black gospel music so that's kind of interesting yeah how's your mom uh how's my mom she's uh 72 yeah wow how old they have you when they were like 68 my dad was 50 when he had me yeah how. How long has your dad been producing black gospel music for? As long as I've been alive.

I don't know, a long ass time. I mean, it's his hobby. It's what he does. It's just so strange to me, a Jewish guy helping other people, musicians, produce their own thing to fruition. And then you take the money. You don't believe in the gospel side of it. Yeah, what's wrong with that? Yeah, exactly.

How long has your dad been producing children? Are you like the oldest? No, it's just me and my sister. So we're five years apart. So at 50, he's like, all right, it's time to bang out. Yeah, he's like, I've been trying for a long time. It's clever how you use the word produce there. Yeah, that's right.

The crowd didn't pick up on that. Or they hated it. I don't care. All right, Lizzie. Well, was that good for you? Was that enough? Wow. Good Lord.

Now we're looking into the life where it may be going wrong. Someone needs to get laid. What's next? Are you going to light a cigarette over there? Do I leave the money on the nightstand? Oh, you know who it would be perfect for? Nathan, too. Oh, yeah.

For sure. Get in on some of that. Take all that energy, please. Take a slice of that Filipinas. It'll be an easy transition. He's used to living with his mom. All right. Lizzie, you were great.

This was fun. Thank you. Lizzie Weissman, everybody. There she goes. She's on Twitter. Lizzie underscore Weissman. W-E-I-S-M-A-N. Tough about this show is she had to climb over like 15 people to get to stage.

It was incredible. Your mind must be moving fast. Unbelievable athleticism. You can borrow Red Band's cane if anyone needs it. Red Band does have a full-blown cane for you podcast listeners, by the way. Did you have to buy that, or did you just have that in storage? No, I went to CVS, and they only had sparkly blue or sparkly pink.

They don't have anything in between. That's because only women go to CVS for canes. Where do you go? Oh, the red cane. Put your hands together for Jerome Tennyson, everyone. Here we go. Jerome Tennyson. Here he comes mighty morphin

Power Rangers go go Power Rangers one of four songs they know go go Power Rangers yeah what's up Comedy Store so summertime for me I'm a high school math teacher so I'm enjoying the summer I love my job But I needed a little bit of a break You know what I mean Because I had this one student kind of scare me He had these tattooed teardrops under his eye

And you know that usually means you killed somebody right So I remember one time the students came into class And I was like alright y'all pop quiz He was like what cuz I was like not today I'll give you the answer, Keith. I'm enjoying the summer, but, like, now, like, I have so much free time, I'm like, I'm addicted to the strip clubs. And, like, they got this thing where they, like, make it rain, right? So this

football player, he came in with, like, this trash bag full of money. And I knew he was a football player because he had this t-shirt on that said, I play for the Rams. Like, he wanted everybody to know. And he reached into his bag and I don't know how much money he threw up in the air. All I know is I made $300. I was down there with the stripper. This is for anybody. No.

Alright, that's what's up. There you go. Jerome Tennyson. Hell yeah. Can we guess how long he's been doing comedy? Go ahead. 18 years. Three years. I was just going to say three.

Three, that's the next. Motherfucker. And you said that you're also a teacher, huh? Yeah. And how old are the kids that you're teaching? How old? Yeah. Most of them are seniors, so like 17, about to be 18.

But I have a freshman. I had a freshman class too. I thought seniors were like in their 50s. There you go. There's Stolberg back there. They can't all be winners. How old are you? You look young.

33. Okay. Oh, you look young. Oh, thank you. What's going on with the sweatpants today? I know, man. Is that the new style? Yeah, all the comments, we agreed. We were going on with the sweatpants today? I know, man. Is that the new style? Yeah, all the comments, we agreed.

We was like, we're going to wear sweatpants. All right. Just house party for comedy jammy jam. Fuck yeah. Jerome, how long you been teaching high school students? This was my first full school year teaching high school students. Okay. Hell yeah.

How was it? I loved it, man. It's an easy job to me. It is. It's like, you know. So you don't think you should be paid more? Oh, I do think we should be paid more. But it's too easy.

But, yeah, it's too easy. Like, some people, like, get carried away, though. Some people are like, oh, you guys should make just as much as, like, the athletes and stuff. Fucking idiots. Yeah, but, I mean, that's. They, like, want to teach people. You're like, what are these assholes doing?

Is it just easy for you because you're not really planning or teaching that well? Or is it just like, no, I mean, like I plan and stuff, but I mean, I just like math. So get up there. I improvise. What do you teach? I was teaching AP Calc and then what they have called integrated math to which is like algebra and geometry together. That's where the whites and the blacks do the algebra together? In one class. That's the only kind of algebra I support, my friends. Integrated. Fuck segregated algebra.

It's true. It's over. You're like a math whiz. You're like the jizza. Because he's black? How dare you? Jizzas went to MIT for math. It was a compliment. The guy with the Wu-Tang shirt, the dog trainer,

look that up, that fact. He said yes. Jerome, so have you only been doing stand-up exclusively in L.A.? Yeah, exclusively in L.A. I've had a few gigs out of state recently. This is where you're born and raised? This is where I'm born and raised. What's your family like?

What part of town did you grow up in? I grew up a little bit in L.A., in Gardena. And then I spent the rest, like, I went to high school in the suburbs. Be honest. Do you ever work out a bit on your class? All the time. Especially if I can't make it to an open mic like that day. Oh, yeah, I do.

All the time. That's why your job is easier. Like, let me grab this microphone, guys. And I've bombed in front of them a few times, and usually when I bomb, that's when the pop quizzes are... Do you just stand there? Oh, that's not funny? Do you stand on a milk crate or anything when you give the presentation?

Are you like, hey, guys, what's the deal with pre-con? No, I just go right into it. I just treat it like they'll come in and we'll be talking, and then I'll just go into my material. So the other day, before we get to the parabolas, I was fucking this woman last week. You ever have that smelly pussy?

You know, like your mom has. You know what I'm talking about, Eugene. You guys aren't old enough to go to strip clubs yet, but they do this thing called Making It Rain there. Well, you know what? I did. I did do that joke, the strip club joke in front of them because they were seniors.

It was like they were on their way out anyway. Yeah, they know. They're already, yeah. And they know about making it rain. Mr. Jerome, you're not a good teacher. Our tax dollars are hard at work over here. Man. I think teachers be paid half of what they're being paid now.

If you're any indication, I'd say more than three quarters cut. I'm good at my job, job though I'm really good at it Have you ever had other teachers come out and watch you do stand up At shows No but I've had like some of the district Employees come and see me Like the superintendent Like the lunch lady

Not the lunch lady like the secretary of the district And there's this one She's like the I forget what her thing It's not the It's like the financial she's like I forget what her thing is. It's not the financial. She's in charge of the Secretary of the Treasury. Is it true that you love going to strip clubs?

I do. So you're single right now too? No, I'm in a relationship but I still like going to the strip club. If Jerome walks into a strip club with $458 and he gives Tanya $171. And Bubbles, $3.

Okay, I lost the word. Is your lady here? No. Okay. Does she know you like strip clubs? Yeah. She just lets you go? Yeah.

She's gone with me a few times. What does she do? She works there? She's a nurse. She's a stripper. No, she's a nurse. Nurse? Oh, that's her stripper character?

Yeah. Wow. Damn. You ever hook up with her in the nurse's uniform? You ever do the thing where like, all right, babe, pretend like I'm waking up from a coma or something like that? She wasn't wearing the nurse's uniform, but we have role play like that, though. You ever say, pretend I can't move my dick?

See what you can do. You said that you have role played. What's one of the more interesting roles that you've played been? Can you give us a little example? I've played a professor and she was a student because I didn't want to do like a high school teacher.

He's like let's use your real first and last name from my class. Snow White. Use your character. Use a yearbook picture. Do you want to be my Bill Cosby? Wow. Professor and student.

Any other wild ones? That's pretty much like it, yeah. Yeah, that's all you're willing to give us. That's all I'm willing to give us. You a big Star Wars fan, judging by the shirt? I am. Yeah. I am. Yeah. Fuck yeah.

I am. Although I haven't seen the last one, though. I know that's bad. I'm not a big fan, but I just hadn't seen the last one. I like this guy. Yeah. He's smart. He's got his shit together.

He's funny. Love strippers. Yeah, you got a good look. Love the strippers. Education. What's not to love about Jerome? Jerome, we love you. The only reason you're getting a 96% tonight is because of the sweatpants.

There he goes. Jerome Tennyson, everybody. Let's keep moving it along. He's on Twitter at IsThatOklahoma. You guys get the show, right? You guys having fun out there? Huh? Just going to keep moving along.

Yeah. Let's see what happens next. Oh, look at Snow White. This looks like definitely a new name. Put your hands together for Noah Shark Robertson. Noah Shark Robertson. Might be one of the coolest middle names we've ever had on this show.

Hell yeah. One more time, everybody, for Noah Shark Robertson. What's going on? My name is Noah Shark Robertson, and I'm normally a musician. I'm from Texas. The Friendly State.

Yeah, they're just confused about that title as you guys are, trust me. We don't take too kindly to your kind around these kinds of parts. Real fucking friendly. I realized quickly I had to get the hell out of there. I packed up my drums and my clothes in my car and I moved to Hollywood.

And it actually ended up working out pretty nice for me. I ended up signing record deals. I got on the billboard charts, toured the fucking world. And now I'm taking a short break from music. I'm driving for Uber. And that's pretty cool. Another cool thing I've been doing lately is living in my car. And it doesn't really help with the ladies, you know?

Like I'm at a bar and the chick's like, what do you do? And I'm just like, I work from home. All right, that's it. There he is. Noah Shark Robertson, nailing it in 58 seconds. Living in his car, changing his life, no longer a musician. I have a lot of questions. Yeah, let's fucking get it started.

I love it. Snow White, you want to jump in first? Yeah. How many times? Come back to me later. Noah Shark Robertson, where do we even begin? How about with a little bit something from Snow White? I got excited.

How many times have you tried to hang yourself with a chain wallet? Fuck yeah. Did you forget your jokes and just decide to read your resume instead? Because literally we know everything about you. Are you really

a world-renowned musician? I wouldn't say world-renowned, but I have traveled the world and I've signed record deals and I've done all that stuff. Damn, look at you. You're like the king of Leon. And I didn't quit music. I just, I've always wanted to do record deals and I've done all that stuff. Damn, look at you. You're like the king of Leon. And I didn't quit music.

I just, I've always wanted to do comedy, so I'm brand new to comedy. Do you keep the gold records in the Uber, like in the windows? Yeah. So like, they're like, oh, this guy was in. Check me out. You know you're supposed to play with your drumsticks, not eat them, right? Oh. That drummer on Drummer Violin.

Damn. Says the guy dressed like a princess. Whoa. Drum off. Yeah, guy dressed like a princess. Whoa. Drum off. Yes, drum off. Drum off. I think I know what that means. Drum off. Drum off.

Drum off. We've done it a few times. Joel Berg is undefeated. And this is the Mexican drum off. Drumming first. Joel, get out of here. Drumming. You got to do it, Jerome.

I'm sorry. You got to give us a little drum solo if you want to jump back there. Now, let me remind you. This might be your first time seeing it. Let me update the cast here, Danish and O'Neal. Guys, we've had a few of these before. Basically, any time anybody has ever said that they know how to play drums, Joel goes off,

takes off his clothes, and they play a song. It's never really as amazing as anybody thought it was going to be, and Joel comes out, does a drum solo, and fucking crushes. Now, what's exciting about this one, if you can't tell, what's exciting

about this one, if you can't tell. What's exciting about this one, if you can't tell, is it appears to me by all uh, what the fuck, where did his name go? Son of a bitch. The Shark. Did you take it? Noah Shark Robertson. It appears that this might be the first guy that can actually beat Joelberg. So, I don't know how much

more naked Joelberg can get back there, but hopefully he works a miracle here tonight. Oh, Jesus. Get back there, but hopefully he works a miracle here tonight. Oh, Jesus. Get back there. Wait a second. Oh, he's going to judge you. He's going to judge you like a fucking Mexican gargoyle.

Wow. All right. Well, hopefully Noah doesn't knock your socks off, if you know what I mean. Hopefully Joel's dick doesn't smell. He looks like a chupacabra. All right, well, hopefully Noah doesn't knock your socks off, if you know what I mean. Hopefully Joel's dick doesn't smell. He looks like a chupacabra. All right, shall we do it? Are you ready, Noah?

This is the weirdest cancer ward I've ever been in. So what am I doing? You're just going to do a drum solo. Come on, Shark. You're going to fucking do it. It's basically like we'll give you like a 30 to 40 second fucking super showcase. Bang the shit out of it. Show us something crazy.

Maybe 20 seconds if you're feeling that. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Noah Shark Robertson. It's a Mexican drum off. Oh, wow. Wow. All right, Noah, you got to hand him over. Here he is, only wearing a tube sock. It's Joel Berg. Almost too close to call. Wow.

God, that made me horny. Man, hopefully Adelaide Bird isn't judging this one tonight. If Joel beats him, is Joel now world-renowned? And he's the shark. He takes the name. Mexican drum-off champion. I don't know. It was close to me, but I think I might... What do you guys think? We give it to Joel Berg on this one?

We give it to Noah Shark Robertson? Whoa! Whoa! Joel's asking if he wants to go again. Joel's basically doing a double or nothing. What do you guys think?

One more quick round? All right, here he goes. Round two. Ring that bell. It's Noah Shark Robertson, everybody. Oh! Whoa! Whoa!

Oh! Joel automatically gets it. I think we're about to watch Joel Berg steal this fucking thing. Wait, time out. Joel, some advice. You got to rock off with your sock off. I was told by a lawyer that the sock has to stay on. Okay, that's good.

They serve food here. Always agree with lawyers. Does that mean that someone might eat it? Well, just in an establishment that serves food, you've got to keep the sock on at least. I'm pretty sure you have to keep your shoes and socks on too, Joel. Wait, is Jerome still here? Is that true? He's a guy who's seen a lot of nudity in an establishment.

There's nothing more rock and roll than explaining legality before you enter a competition. Here he is with his rebuttal. It's Joel Berg! Yes! That is how you defend a fucking throne, ladies and gentlemen. Joelberg, everybody. All right.

Noah Shark, get back up here. Back to your microphone. We're going to talk to you a little bit now. That was some fucking amazing drumming. Sorry, I'm rusty. Hell yeah, that was great. All right, Noah. So you were a musician for how long?

Well, I still am a musician. I've been playing in metal bands since I was like 15. I'm 34 now. Oh, okay. You play with anybody we would recognize? I was in a shitty band called Moto Grader. Love them. It's the lead singer from Five Finger Death Punch.

Love them too. Oh, okay. Of course. Who hasn't heard them? I was in a band called The Browning. Love them, too. Oh, okay. Of course. Who hasn't heard them? I was in a band called The Browning. Love them. You hook up with a lot of dirty, roadie chicks back in the day? Oh, yeah.

Yeah? Oh, wow. He's playing The Browning right now. Oh, this is actual moto-grader. Here, turn that shit up. Oh, yeah. That's me playing drums right there. It's about to start right now.

That's you? I don't know. Hold on a second. It sounds more like Joel me playing drums right now. That's you? I don't know. Hold on a second. It sounds more like Joel Berg on drums to me. It made me want to commit a hate crime. I liked it. I got to be honest. I'm a metal drummer, and he has a single pedal back there.

Oh, no. Don't make that up. There we go. There we go. What's hilarious about this is I studied drums in college. I'm a drum teacher. Another resume drop. Wow, I'm a high school dropout.

How's it feel, idiot? Oh, shit. I run a record label. He should send me a demo. Whoa. Dude, I'm glad you're not funny either, dude. Send you a demo? He just beat you in a Mexican drum off.

How dare you? What's with the shark gimmick? Yeah, why is there a shark in the middle of your name? And all over his arms. Oh, wow. Is it really because it's Shark Week now? He's a walking billboard for that channel. Actually, I'm on a mission to try to do stand-up comedy every night of Shark Week

And I have all this shark shit for the shittiest goal. I've ever heard sir really hit One fucking week you work at the animal planet. What is this obsession with sharks because they can swim and you can't I Thought it was self-explanatory sharks are fucking badass like I could understand if my name was Noah Duckbill Platypus Robertson. You had that prepared. You son of a bitch. We could smell that out like a shark. Have you ever swam with sharks? No, but I want to see a great white shark before I die.

I just don't want to see a great white shark right before I die. More prepared material. Another bit. I thought for sure you were going to do a Great White concert joke. You guys. Yes. No, let's hear something. Silent but deadly.

Chroma Chris is about to take a stab at it. Here we go. Elsa. You just beat me to it. I was going to tell him he should join Great White. I think they're missing some members. If. Oh, damn.

He'd have to be on fire for that. Fuck! Give some drums. Give some drums. Give some drums. You're going to win. Sorry, I'm a metal drummer. Can you guys play the drums thing? Noah, Noah, Noah Shark Robertson,

you've spent a lot of time with a lot of extreme bands. Like, what's the craziest shit you've ever been part of? Like, have you ever been in any crazy orgies or anything like that? Not exactly, but... You got fucked tonight. You're going to lose that record deal.

Yeah. One time on the tour bus with Roto-Rooter, we watched Shark Week all the way till 2 in the morning, and then we went to bed. No, I actually, I played a festival in Germany

in front of like 100,000 people, and the crowd was getting hit by lightning while we were playing. Those Nazis deserved it. How dare they fucking... Jesus. Wait, wait, the crowd was getting hit by fucking lightning?

There was like all these massive circles. Were people dying? No, they were getting carried out in stretchers, and we were just like... Keep rocking! The shark doesn't stop! Wow. Yeah, you got it.

Talk about death metal. Oh, Joel. Yeah, exactly. All right, Noah. Well, there you go. It was nice to meet you. Thank you. Welcome to the show.

Thanks for being here. Woo! There he goes. Noah Shark Robertson. Hell yeah. I still can't get over it. He's like, I'm going to do comedy every night of Shark Week.

What is some impossible feat to fucking do? Is it Shark Week or is it Comedy Week? How long is it? A week? It's just seven days. You're doing comedy seven days a week anyway. It's two months. Even I'm like, it could be a month or something.

It seems like they would milk that very popular week that they have. But nope, they just keep it at a week. Looks like the shark met the snark. Good one. All right. All right, don't get me crying. I haven't heard any saxophone all night. I've been playing all night, you bitch.

Oh, sorry. My apologies. Did you not hear Push It by Salt-N-Pepa, the Power Rangers theme, and many more? Yeah. There we go. This one's going to be taken off YouTube. Hey.

Oh, my God. Snow White has got a flopper under that dress. What the fuck? I saw it banging against the table. What the fuck? Sometimes a dick's in the way of the pussy. Saw the two apples down there Took a bite and went to sleep

I think I saw Slouchy and What are the midgets' names? Is Slouchy one of them? I don't think so I'm going to try to do comedy One night the survivor's on is my new goal Don't push yourself that hard I'm like Jerome, I don't want to overextend I try to do comedy one night that Survivor's on is my new goal. Don't push yourself that hard.

I'm like Jerome. I don't want to overextend. I pulled another name out of the bucket. We've seen this young lady before. Put your hands together for Jess Wood, everyone. Here we go. It's Jess Wood making her return to Kill Tony. I believe this is her third time.

Last two times have been great. She's back. She's a professional. She's been doing it so long, she won't even tell us how long she's been doing it. It's Jess Wood, everybody. Come on. Hey! Hey! So, uh, my aunt was at my house one night when I was

doing phone sex, and uh, yeah. Well, it doesn't pay as well as they say, say so ladies don't get caught up in that mess uh just a public service announcement um so she's at my house and i get the call and the secretary calls you and tells you what the guy on the other line wants what his fantasy is and you have like the time that they click over to make yourself that fantasy so the secretary calls me one night my My aunt's sitting there. I answer the phone, and she goes,

Hi, Jess, it's the secretary. We have Steve on the other line. Steve would like a Jamaican 29-year-old dominatrix with a shaving fetish. So hang on for Steve. Shit! So they click over, and I'm like, Hello, Steve! You got any shaving cream over there, boy?

Well, you better get some, bitch, because I'm feeling mighty stubbly. And then I hang up, and I look over at my aunt, and she goes, oh, you're good. Thank you. Fuck yeah, Jess Wood. Hell yeah. Hi, guys.

Hi. How's it going? Welcome back. Thank you. It sounded like a black leprechaun. Yeah. Like the leprechaun from Leprechaun 4? In the hood? Exactly.

It's a good movie. You should check it out. Jennifer Aniston's in it. Is that true? Yeah. No, she's in the first one. Is that true? Yeah, the original.

Okay. I stand corrected. There you go. Jess, how's in the first one. Is that true? Yeah, the original. Okay. I stand corrected. There you go. Jess, how's it going? You've been on the show a couple times before. Every time it's been fun. You're a comedy vet. And so here we are.

That was another fun one. How's life been going? Anything crazy since the last time we saw you? Yes. Well, today I fucked a guy that I haven't fucked in a while because he got on meth. Like, he went crazy meth time. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.

I relate. I know that. But it is... Thanks. Is he off the meth at least now? I think he is. I mean, he didn't fuck me for five hours,

so I think it's good. Did you lick any of the open wounds? No, no wounds. He doesn't look... This is what fucks with me about this guy. He doesn't look like a meth head yet. He still looks really handsome and hot, but he's homeless. Wow.

Damn. Getting that homeless deep. You got fucked by a homeless meth head? Really? Damn, I love the honesty. She's wearing a bathing suit as underwear right now. It's not a bathing suit. It's a cloth. No, I have underpants on. Thanks, Brian. Damn, I love the honesty. I did. She's wearing a bathing suit as underwear right now. It's not a bathing suit. It's a cloth.

But no, I have underpants on. But thanks, Brian. Hi, Brian. Fucking meth heads. By the way, every other comic, she set the bar very low. Did you meet him on a dating app? How do you meet a homeless guy? No, I met him in the laundromat.

He wasn't homeless when we met. Oh, wow. That's a classic romantic first line of a dating story. He wasn't homeless when we met. No, wow. That's a classic romantic first line of a dating story. He wasn't homeless when we met. No, he picked me up at the laundromat. He was 22. Too young, I know, you guys, I know. But he was really hot.

He's like, here, get in this grocery cart. I want to push you around town for a while. No, he lived with his mom. When I met him, he was legitimately in an apartment with his mom. Damn. Wow, a meth head fucking a cougar. That's hot. That's like breaking back.

Yeah, he's really good. And he knocked on the door this morning. He's like, do you have any meth? Oh, wrong house. Sorry. Do you have any toilet paper? I just took a shit on the sidewalk. There's that Jennifer Aniston reference from three minutes ago.

Red band. Got it loaded up. The cane even affects your computer. Are you pushing the buttons with your cane? Wow. How was it today? It was really good. I think he's cleaned up today. Like took a shower?

You mean the drugs? He came in to take a shower. I made him take a shower. That's nice of you. Well, yeah, he wanted to buy a cigarette, and I wouldn't let him buy a cigarette. He goes, I'll give you a dollar. Wait, buy a cigarette from you? From me, yeah.

Is your house like a prison fucking set up? Well, yeah, kind of, kind of. You're like, you want to trade cigarettes and walk around the sandy area? Well, he wanted to give me a dollar, and I said, I don't want a dollar. You don't have to give me a dollar for a cigarette. And he goes, how about this dick? Oh, shit. No white.

Where do you live? That cigarette hut on Fountain and Vine? Wow. So it's been a while since you had sex with this guy? Not as long as it should have been. Not as long as it should have been. How do you get in touch with him? Do you put up a fucking bad signal of a grocery cart above your house?

He just appears once in a while. Wow. Do you go condom or no condom? Oh, condom, condom, for sure. Oh, why bother? Because I'm not a meth head on the street. You could be if he comes inside you. No, no.

Thank you, Cassandra. No, no. I'm a lady. Too late to say that. Way too late. Did he have to bum a condom from you? Yes, I have a thing of condoms. Okay.

I don't mind. He doesn't bring his own. I don't know. Do you feed him? Is this like a condom from you? Yes, I have a thing of condoms. Okay. I don't mind. He doesn't bring his own. I don't know. Do you feed him? Is this like a soup kitchen, too? He brought food today. Oh, really? What did he bring?

He's like, I was dumpster diving by 7-Eleven. I got some hot dogs. A sandwich is only half eaten. Score for us. He probably had everything except for the spoons, right? He works at the 99 cent store across the street, so he gets snacks. He's, you know, snacks for us.

Cookies. Somebody just gave an, oh, that's so sweet. I know, because it fucking is. Because a guy, make an effort, you fuckers. Yeah, seriously. Bring cookies, you fuckers. If it's homeless meth head whose lines are, you want this dick?

It can be romantic. Does it bother you that he's into crystals? What? What, Joel? Never mind. I've shined enough tonight. Joel, were you that meth head? No comment.

Damn. So Jess, having sex with meth heads. Wow. Is there something that you've noticed that meth heads do differently in the bedroom than other people? Yeah, they smoke meth while they're fucking you. And they shit themselves. No, no, nothing like that. Very long.

They last a very long time. Wow. Yeah. Dick stays hard. Dick stays hard. My question for you is why not just talk about that? Come up here and like I fucked a meth. It's very new. Like this morning, you know, just talk about what I – up here and like, I fucked him up. It's very new.

Like this morning, you know, just talk about what I, well, the phone sex is true. That's a true story. I did phone sex. My aunt was there. She did say you're good. She actually said I got a little wet after that. Whoa. Whoa.

It's because of the family that I come from. She would also have fucked this guy. That's how hot he is. My aunt would have totally fucked him. Do you have a picture of this guy? I do on my phone. You would. Okay. All right. It's me. It's how hot he is. My aunt would have totally fucked him. Do you have a picture of this guy? I do on my phone. You would. Okay, all right.

It's me. It's very hot. What was that, Joel Berg? I just said, all right, it's me. I'll admit it. Yeah, so that was today. Damn, wow. All in a day's work for you.

Coming up, crushing and fucking a meth head. So, I mean, I'm pretty sure that's everybody's bucket list. Snow White, what do you think? Just another Monday in the White Castle Kingdom. When do you think you'll see him again? If he's around again he'll knock. Sad as romance. It's really sad.

Is that a knock? Oh no, no it's not. No I don't hear. Is that a knock? Oh, no, no, it's not. No, I don't hear. Do I smell meth? No, you're not. Oh, you must be close. I don't know what meth smells like, but I know what PCP smells like. I know what crack smells like, so he'd probably get away with it. It smells like the 99 cent store.

Well, wow. I hope that you guys become an item. Well, we were together for like a year. Not together together, but he came over for a year. And I was fucking this other guy called the Pirate. Wow. Was he a legit pirate? Well, he had a bead in his beard and he wore the guyliner.

He was from Sudan. No, he's a Mexican-Italian with a lot of hair and beard. I feel like your vagina has graffiti inside of it. Definitely. There you go. Red band. Red band hitting one from

three-point range. He doesn't even know what to do. Look at him. Big red man made me the meth head. We made out once. He doesn't want to admit it. Redman. Redman. I did not do that.

Tony, smell his breath. If it smells like meth or tuberculosis, he's guilty. Or it smells like that homeless guy's cock. Brian, you have meth breath again? No. She probably fucked Tom Arnold or something. Oh. He gets confused for Tom Arnold a lot. That's my thing. That's my thing.

Alright. Do you have a diamond in your tooth? Yeah. I'm thinking some glitter from your titties got stuck on there and you couldn't get it off. No, it's on purpose. It makes people happy. What is it? Just like a sticker? It's glued on there.

It doesn't come off? Did you do that yourself or is that professionally done? The meth head did it. He bedazzled your teeth? Yeah, he knows how to work with fucking crystal like that. You know what I'm saying? Smoke it right off your tooth, baby. He may steal it off her tooth

and try to sell it. Yeah, when you're sleeping. He's just chipping away at it. He has a monocle on from the 99 cent store. Oh, baby, you were grinding your teeth in your sleep last night.

I don't know what happened to the diamond that was on it. I like that he sounds like a businessman in your mind, but he's more like, um, you want this dick or what? That sounds like the pirate. No, the pirate's more like, you want this dick or what? That sounds like the pirate. No, the pirate's more like, hey, what's up?

That's not like the same people. They're a little bit similar. She's fucking sure it's not the same guy. They all sound like Joelberg to me. Hey, what's up? Want some of these dicks? She's fucking a character actor who's just working shit out with her. I like this guy.

Fuck yeah. A couple different dudes for a year. Yeah, it was fun. I had a good time. Because you know what? If dudes can fuck a couple chicks, I can fuck a couple dudes. Oh, yeah.

Wow. There you go. We're not judging you for it. We're just very curious about it. Hell yeah. Spoken like a true princess. There she goes, everybody. Jess Wood, everyone.

Fun times. another fun minute. She's on Twitter at TheJessWood. It's like the homeless bachelor. Yeah, this is a crazy one tonight. Your Nuva ring fell out. Oh, shit. I don't think that was a Nuva ring. That would have been a shower curtain ring.

It was on her tooth, the back one. All right. Who owed that? Geez. Josh, is that thing? They're friends with her. Josh, is that thing here yet? We know her.

All right. Doesn't seem like it. How do you follow that? Let's go back to the bucket. Let's just try. Let's just try to do this. Put your hands together for Mark Sully, everyone. Here we go.

Mark Sully. The fun doesn't end. We're flying through him here tonight. Mark Sully's got a steady jog. Mark Sully, Jr.: Hey. Oh, I ran all the way over here. I haven't done that since the fifth grade. Jesus, excuse me if I'm out of breath.

Yes, I just out of breath. Woo! Yes, I just moved out here, and I gotta tell you, thank you, it's really, really hot. It's so damn hot I had to Google, do black people need sunblock? I just didn't know, I didn't wanna be the only one raw dogging it with the sun, you know what I mean? But I mean, maybe it's me, maybe my body's just changing, you know?

Like I can't have some of the things I used to have, like beans. If I had beans, you being this close to me would be like the splash zone at SeaWorld, okay? Smell white, you in danger, girl. It sucks, because I love a good legume. I'm gay, if you couldn't tell. I thought the sharp soprano gave that away.

And all my girlfriends call me and ask me for advice, like a gay oracle, you know? And they're like, hey, I'm hooking up with this guy, and he has like a pound of foreskin on his dick. I don't know what to do. I'm like, really, girl? You never played peek-a-boo before? You don't know how to suck on a push-pop, peel a banana?

Get back out there and show them what you can do. Thank God. Wow. Fuck yeah. Motherfucking Mark Sully. I like it. I like it a lot. Great hustle up here. Some people mosey. You're like, fuck it. I'm getting up there.

Fuck yeah, dude. Hell yeah. That was amazing. You did so well, your nips are hard as fuck. A little bit. That's from the homeless story, I think. That guy sounds hot. Man, you are

one of the top comedians today that's probably a bottom. Yes, you are absolutely right. You nailed that. No, I'm kidding. I'm versatile. You can really tell that every day he's hustling, you know? That's true. He's sort of like a gay Rick Ross, right?

Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay back music. Yes. That's typically how I do it. I typically go, I'm ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-gay. Wow. By the way,

that wasn't Red Band. That sound actually happens when Mark does that. Yeah. He just has that type of power. That was some fucking thing. An actual beam came out of the top of his hand

for you podcast listeners. Are you a dancer? You had some versatility there. Yeah, I did musical theater growing up, so I've been doing ballet. Yeah. I see you more as a jock. Never. That's the best answer I've ever had to any question I've asked.

What's your favorite musical, Hamilton? Oh, my. All right, how about this? He? Oh, my. All right. How about this? He looks like he knows that family matters. Jesus Christ. You get naked once. You set the bar high.

It's called front-loading, Joel. Mark, where are you from? I'm originally from Miami, but I just moved here from New York I was going to guess Florida I really was Rick Ross who we made a joke about I'm not Rick Ross I'm asked everyday but I'm not

Hell yeah definitely not Everyday you're guzzling You know what I wish It's been kind of dry In this neighborhood? Just go outside and open your mouth. How long have you been in L.A., Mark? I moved here in November.

In November. Hell yeah. What was that like for you, your first time walking down Santa Monica Boulevard? Did everyone think you were a float parade? A parade? Float parade. It was actually great. It just felt like I was walking on sunshine, baby.

Wow. Wow. Damn. So it's easier or harder to find a good gay man here in West Hollywood than Miami. Because Miami, there's that humidity in the air. Everybody's always horny. Everybody's like fucking nasty. Yeah, your balls hang low, you know, because it's so hot.

But here, I don't know. People are different. They're a little sadidi. They're a little sadidi here. What's that mean? Sadidi? Sadidi, like bougie, like into themselves, very, not my scene. No low-hanging balls.

No. Where they at? There's got to be a pair out here somewhere. You have a preference. This guy's got low-hanging balls right here. I can see it on his face. You have a preference in dudes? Do you like white guys, black

guys? Papi chulos. What's that? Spanish guy. Damn. This summer, Joel Berg. Put that sock back on. Yeah, exactly. I think he's about to give you the old black tube

sock if you know what I mean. Do you shave your armpits all the way to the bone? No, I'm just hairless. Raise your arm up. Look at that. That's fucking weird. Looks like a young Asian woman's vagina in there. Sorry.

Too soon. Mark, have you ever been with a woman before? Yeah, I have. In high school. It was great. Greedy son of a bitch. It was cool. I mean... You went all the way with it? Yeah, I fucked her. Oh, wow. Yeah. I grew up in high school. It was great. Greedy son of a bitch. It was cool. I mean.

You went all the way with it? Yeah, I fucked her. Oh, wow. Yeah. I've been in there. Was there something weird about, you know, it wasn't like her, right? It's just you know what you're like. Right.

You know? Right. You know what you're like. But you had to try it out just in case. I had to. My mom, like, told me I had to. Was she there? She's like, get in there, son.

One time. That's all I had. Was that a smile? She's like, get in there, son. One time. Was that a smile? It looks like you kind of liked it a little bit. Just one more time. Not that much, but it was cool. Hell yeah, Mark Sully. What didn't you like about it? It was just like the... Not so much that I didn't like it.

More so than I knew I loved it. Fuck yeah. Wow. Look at that. You know what you like. So you've been here since November. What are you doing for a living? Serving. Bussing tables.

Not bussing. Serving tables. Bubba Gump shrimp? No. I wish. I love their shrimp. I'm working at a chicken and waffle spot. Oh, chicken and waffles.

Fuck yeah. All right. Well, that's fun. I love chicken and waffles. What's going on? What did I miss over here? Oh, chicken and waffles. Fuck yeah. All right. Well, that's fun. I love chicken and waffles. What's going on? What did I miss over here? Oh, shit. I thought he was inferring that he fucked that first comic, Mikey.

Oh. Oh, I got you. It's not that funny of anyone else, but I enjoyed it. Did you do comedy in New York? No. I actually just started in January. What? You got a lot of confidence.

Hell yeah, the baby goat. You got good delivery? Wow. No, I'm serious. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. I thought you had been doing it for a while. Yeah, seriously.

Line of stage. Really good. Yeah. We immediately love you here on this show, Mark. What else about you? What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up or anything like that? Just like to chill, you know? I'm not really a crazy guy.

What's your idea of chilling? You seem like the kind of guy that would wear a robe at home. I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a robe, and I have a lot of shit. What the fuck they call the things? Boas? No, not boas.

I wish. Ponchos. I have like they called? The things. Boas? No, not boas. I wish. Ponchos. I have a collection of ponchos. For those Latin men. That's how I get them in. Ponchos. It's like, it's raining, girl. Put the poncho on and get in here. Do you ever sing in the wells?

I don't, boo. I don't. I don't even know what you said. I'm very lonely. Is your real last name Sully? No, Mark Sully is my first name. Mark Sully? Yeah, hyphenated. Saint Flair is my last name.

Whoa. Whoa. Saint Flair? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you come from a long line of gay men? My name is Mark Sully Saint Flair. Saint Flair, like the flower in French. St. Flower, essentially.

Who has a hyphenated first name? And last name. Yeah, that's weird. Double hyphenated? Double hyphenated. Fuck. My mom made kindergarten very hard. Two dashes.

Wow. That's interesting. All right. It didn't sound like you thought it was. Mark, well, I mean, just fucking amazing performance. Please sign up again and come back again soon. You got a future. Glimmers of some Malcolm Hatchett there with Mark Sully.

Wow. Always an amazing new charismatic face on this show. Malcolm Hatchett couldn't make it tonight. He's on the road all week and weekend opening for the great Theo Vaughn out in North Carolina. Malcolm's getting that work in. Doing it. Baby boy's all grown

up. For a special surprise for you podcast fans, how many of you are real Kill Tony fans out there? Well, we have a special treat for you. We're going to bring up someone who we haven't seen

in quite a while. He's just one of the favorites here. He's a legend. He's from Las Vegas, Nevada. He's the man that brought us this bucket. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the return of Ichabod!

Here he comes, live in the flesh, everybody. Wow! Come on, Ichabod. It's a podcast, Ichabod. Get on stage. Ichabod. Wow! Here he is in the flesh.

Kill Tony legend, Ichabod. Most people are just staring like they're seeing a ghost right now instead of clapping. He came all the way from Vegas today on a Greyhound fucking bus. How about you make some goddamn noise for Ichabod. Yeah. Oh, thank you, thank you. It was a long trip here. I rode on a megabus.

The megabus is so ghetto. On the way here, we got passed by a greyhound. Hey, check it out. I got a kick-ass tan. I got really all dark this summer. I'm still pale as a ghost. Fuck. summer and I'm still pale as a ghost. Fuck. I look like Slash from Guns N' Roses as if a vampire sucked all the blood out of him. I went to give blood and the lady at the first

desk took my hand and led me right into the recovery room. When I go out at night, I have to be careful not to pass out in your graveyards. They might think I fell out the back of a casket and try and bury me. That'd be a hell of a hangover, huh? There you go. A minute. Ichabod, was that your closer? That'd be a hell of a hangover, huh? Meow There you go A minute Ichabod, was that your closer? You good?

Hell yeah, on with the sunglasses, huh? Wait, what are you doing, Ichabod? Come on Stand up, Ichabod You're scaring me Usually there's a stool on stage Is this the homeless guy that this lady fucked earlier? I got here a little late.

Sorry, Tony. The bus. It looks like you forgot your teeth on the bus. You got to check those underneath. I don't know if you've ridden buses. Are you Chris Angel's unsuccessful brother? He's like Chris Angel's brother that works at a glory hole. Ichabod, why the sunglasses for the interview part?

What's that to protect from? Because it's time for the interview with the vampire. Ichabod, I will say this. You've been on the show a few times before and I must say, to be honest with you, you're pulling a bit of an Aphrodite and stunning us here because that might have been my favorite set that I've seen of yours

out of all of them. Normally, you're a legend because we know that you love the show and you tell us how much it means to you and how it keeps you excited about life with all these other things happening. You got this one thing

you can look forward to and then all of a sudden it seems like you really put some stuff together and started roasting yourself there a little bit of the way through, huh? Yeah, I took advice from the panel and shout out to Greg Fitzsimmons who gave me one of those jokes and I built off of it. Hey, fuck yeah, dude. Look at that.

Greg Fitzsimmons, head writer of the HBO show Crashing. And for Ichabod now. Yeah, Ichabod. A new credit. I'd be the better credit. I think you could be. Can you take your hat off because I'm hoping you're bald up there. What's up there?

Is the hair connected to the hat? Oh, that's some real rock and roll shit right there. You wouldn't take it off far. I thought it was just cobwebs. A ratchet scurried up. Now, we had Uncle Ron on about a month or two ago. Is that his rival? Yeah, well, it's his best friend.

Uncle Ron is a blackjack dealer in Vegas who's like 90 years old and still does cocaine. With hookers. Wait, hook her up with what's her first name? Wood. Oh, yeah. The homeless fucker. How's your Uncle Ron and why'd you come out here without

him this time? Something tells me you murdered him. I haven't seen him in quite a while. He's dead. He's dead. He is dead. Uncle Ron is uncle fucking dead. He's uncle gone. He's out there. Stop by.

He's in the desert. He's uncle gone. On behalf of the entire staff and ownership at the dive bar, we would like to thank you for coming out there. Attendance is up, and you always will be welcome back. We had a lot of fun in Las Vegas. A lot of people came from all different places around the country.

They took our advice, and there's always cheap flights in and out of Vegas. It's a fun place where a bunch of people can get together, which reminds me. You can see Ryan O'Neill fight Luis J. Gomez at the joint at the Hard Rock August 25th. Or you could watch the stream at jasonellis.com. That's going to be an exciting thing. Ichabod, who do you like in the fight between

over here, buddy. Who do you like in the fight between Ryan O'Neal and Luis J. Gomez? Who do you think is going to win that? Whoever doesn't wear a mouth guard, judging by his... Who do you think is going to win? Just take a guess. Ryan or Luis? I'm Ryan, by the way.

I can't believe you spoiled it. I thought for sure he was going to say Luis. The good news is... He might still say Luis. Who do sure he was going to say Lewis. The good news is he doesn't know Lewis. He might still say Lewis. Who do you think is going to win? Oh, that's a tough one to handicap, Tony. Why don't you just take a guess? Just pick a name.

Flip a coin in your head. So is it a cage match? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Ryan versus Lewis. To the death? It's Ryan versus Lewis. Who do you think is going to win? You a fight promoter?

Because this promotion is dynamite right now. Is this Dana White? By the way, how do you make a living? Selling your teeth to the tooth fairy? Jeez. I know a woman with diamond teeth who you may want to talk to. You can fit her side one in your front. Ichabod, you are fucking awesome.

One of my favorite things is to follow you on Instagram and check out your amazing diet process. It's basically a lot of soda and frozen fish sticks. You're wondering if you're... Frito casseroles in there? I'm losing weight on that food. That might be the AIDS. I don't know.

Fuck yeah. Has anything else fun been happening in your life, Ichabod? I'm losing weight on that food. That might be the AIDS. I don't know. Fuck yeah. Has anything else fun been happening in your life, Ichabod? We love you on this show, and we're excited to find out any updates if you have any. Uncle Ron's out of the picture. Now he's got Cousin John. Last week, for the first time, I got to open for a rock band in Las Vegas. The Scoundrels in front of a whole bunch of people was really awesome. Wow, you did stand-up comedy

before the rock show. Before the rock band. That is so fucking cool. How much stage time did you do? How many minutes? They gave me ten. I got up to five and I kind of got nervous and bailed. That's great honesty. You could have told us it was unbelievable. Let me ask you this.

Let me ask you this, Ichabod. Were you responsible for bringing up the band after your set? Yeah. So, all right. I'll be back. And I'm sure this band smoked cigarettes. They were enjoying themselves knowing that they had another five minutes. And so you decided to bail five minutes in.

And did you just bring up the band or did you at least stall for five minutes? Did you just bring them up? Yeah, I was like... Were they all there? Were they ready? I said, hey, by the way, welcome to Scoundrels. That's a great intro. What an amazing intro.

Hey, by the way. By the way. I'm going to do better next time. I'm going to really rock it next time. When you mean when you open for a rock band? Yeah, next time. I'm going to do better next time I'm going to really rock it next time When you open for a rock band Yeah, next time Did you do any of the jokes that you did here tonight? Yeah, yeah

A couple old ones, a couple new ones Did it go well at all or was everybody just talking the entire time? No, it actually went decent Really? Rock bands tend to be a pretty tough show Was the band upset that you brought them out a little early? I came out with a little energy and everything Really? Rock bands tend to be a pretty tough show. Was the band upset that you brought them out a little early? Yeah. Well, I came out with a little energy and everything.

Really? You? No fucking way. Here it is. Give it up for the scoundrel. Yeah, and try to work that, get the crowd going. Normally, those rock shows are like pulling teeth. It's fucking not easy, dude. Can you give us the intro, a recreation to see? No?

Ladies and gentlemen, this next band is one of my favorite bands from Las Vegas. They won the best band in Las Vegas. Let's give it up for the Scoundrels. Yeah. Hell yeah. It's just going to be another five minutes. It's weird. I've never seen, I associate the Crypt Keeper with horror, but not introducing bands. I love never seen... I associate the Crypt Keeper with horror,

but not introducing dance. I love it. That bombed hard. I liked it. I'll wear it. Ichabod, what's that drink you just chugged? Are you a heavy drinker? What is that?

Yeah, Coca-Cola. Formaldehyde. It's delicious. A little too late, but that's bad for the teeth. Is that classic or new? Classic. It is classic? You haven't seen Ronnie in a while?

Not in a few days. We don't get to talk much. Because he's dead. No. No, and by the way, I'm starting to think I don't know if he's my real uncle. Ichabod. Do you think he's pulling a fast one on you? Did you do 23 and Me or something?

Uncle Ronnie, you are not the uncle. That's a good Maury episode. I think if he introduced himself to you as Uncle Ron, there's a good chance he's not your uncle. So what's your plans for heading back to Vegas? You going back tonight? Yeah, I'm going to stay up and then... Turn back into a bat and fly there.

He's going to leave five minutes early, I think. I look for stuff to do until about 3 or 4 in the morning and then head downtown to catch the first bus out of there. And when do you feed? What do you have to do until 3 or 4 in the morning? Yeah, it's a hard time because it's hard to find stuff after 1 or 2 o'clock.

Last time Aphrodite made me chicken. Oh, shit. Damn, that must have been crazy for your body to feel some vitamins getting into it, huh? Alright. You know, chicken and all those

delicious vitamins that it has. Alright, Ichabod. Well, buddy, I mean, we fucking love you here on Kill Tony. Ichabod's bucket of destiny stays close to all of our hearts. We love you. Please come back anytime. How about one more time for the great and powerful Ichabod,

ladies and gentlemen. Come on. He loves this show. What do you guys think? One more quick one? One last one? All right. One more quick one, and we're all going to get out of here together like professionals. All right, one more quick one, and we're all gonna get out of here together like professionals. Put your hands together for Robert Thompson. Robert Thompson. Here he comes, from the farthest possible corner. Seems to be very lucky, that area over there.

Very lucky deep corner. Here he is, Robert Thompson, ladies and gentlemen. Hello. So I had asthma in elementary school, and they put me in special ed PE. Don't worry, it was just my lungs that were slow. There were some characters in this class. This kid, Wyatt, he had the energy of the Tasmanian devil. Had the soul of a soldier, this kid.

He would just grind his teeth all the time. Hell of a tetherballer, let me tell you. You know, there's also this kid Chris who had his head stuck to his shoulder. Like this nicest guy. Hey, Rob. Want a fruit roll-up? Hey. You know, I had a lot of remedial classes growing up, and I heard some downer things. I heard this teacher say that we wouldn't amount to much.

And I think that's kind of a bleak outlook, if you ask me. Because I could just see Chris now. He's probably some hot shot surgeon in L.A. And I could just see all his Facebook profile pictures from this angle. With a fedora on at a wedding. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Pushing it to the limit. Robert Thompson.

Thank you. Robert, this is what? Your third time on the show? Yeah, third time. Third time. Good luck. And it's all been very recent, right? What, your third time on the show? Yeah, third time. Third time. You've got good luck. And it's all been very recent, right? When did you start?

Three weeks ago? Four weeks ago? Yeah, like a month ago. A month ago. Yep. Well, welcome back. Yes. Hell yeah.

Thank you. Hell yeah. Good to see you again. Yeah. Ooh, Snow White, you've got some attitude. What's going on up there? This guy tried to block me. Oh, is that true?

You're trying to block the... No, no. My big ass last time was totally in front of Mr. Jeremiah here. So I'm mindful of that now. It's Snow White. It's Snow White. I mean, yes, Snow White.

With a big old flopper. Yep. Big flopper here. We've got Frankenstein. Now we've got to get Dracula back up here. Fuck yeah, Robert. So how long have you been doing stand-up? I started doing it again a couple months ago.

Yeah. And I did it for two years a few years ago. So it's me getting back at it. We know a guy who counts all those years between as comedy years. Oh, really? I don't know if that's official, but this particular guy does. Oh, wow. Okay, so

five years. But you took three years off. Yes, yeah. But technically five. There's a lot of math for me. I was in remedial classes, so... We'll get the math guy teacher up here. But technically five. Technically five. This is a lot of math for me. I was in remedial classes. We'll get the math guy teacher up here. Robert, is there anything that's happened interesting in your personal life since the last time you were on two weeks ago?

Yeah, actually, I play. I also do music. I play in a band, Dick Neptune. That would be Mr. Joel. But you don't know how to play any instruments, right? I can do the xylophone a little bit. Oh, the xylophone. Wow. It must be a real hit band you have.

Anyone have a xylophone here? Or a recorder? Is this a high school marching band that you play for? No, no. It's a comedy punk band. I sing, but we were putting on this show and it was like a circus theme and there's a guy i know that actually like works with with little people with little people that's that's right

with dwarves and uh where is this show it was in uh the doll hut in anaheim i just want to know so i stay away from the neighborhood yeah yeah yeah there's there's speaking of meth there's a lot of that there if you want to find it. But, yeah, I was supposed to have a little me, little Dick Neptune, and he looked like me. It was crazy. They found somebody that looked like me. They found a midget that looked like you. That's not that crazy to me at all.

His name was Whitey. Well, this is the crazy part. I got a phone call that he passed away, like drowned in a river, like just today. What? Yes. So I'm still in shock. It wasn't just like a gutter that looked like a river to him? It was a creek.

Yeah. It's a good closer. You should keep that bit, I think. Correction, his name is Drowny. Oh, wow. How recently did you work with this guy? Well, I'd met him briefly, but he was supposed to do a show for us in a couple months.

And he passed away. He was 30. Wow. What a short life. Yeah. Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. The number one taker of little people is Rivers. Or working with Joel.

Yeah, true. What's his name? Is his name on here? It's with Joel. Yeah, true. What's his name? Is his name Joel? Dick Neptune. Oh, sorry. He drowned in what, though? A river? Yeah, Lake Mead.

I don't know. I forget what that is. Is it Neptune, like a god of water or something? Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right. From Little Mermaid. Wow. See, your midget drowned.

Yeah. Good God. Did you find another one? Well, they said they were going through it, and actually there was a guy that looked more like Wesley Snipes, who I'm totally, I'd love to work with him. Yeah, why wouldn't you? He looks like a badass dude.

Yeah, hell yeah. He doesn't need to look like you. Get a little Wesley Snipes. He probably can't swim either, though, so you might want to. He starred in the movie Razorblade. Razorblade. If the second one dies, we're coming to look for you. I know, dude.

There's a curse here. I don't know. Wow. Oh, no. A curse. How's your love life been the past couple weeks? Anything, any new developments? Not great.

Yeah, my girlfriend also drowned in a river. I don't know what's going on. I feel like I'm putting on all the right energy, but nobody's coming my way. All right, Snow White. I know how to talk to birds. I know how to clean. I'm a great coach, but I don't know.

Nobody's coming my way. Wow. Sorry. How's your love life been? It's been good. Yeah, seeing this girl, she's not crazy, which is a difference. How do you know she's not crazy? How long have you known her for?

Two years. We were friends before. Oh, yeah. So you were friends before, but how long have you been having sex with each other? This morning, actually. No, it was a few months. A few months you've been having sex. Yeah.

She's not showing any signs of crazy yet? Not that I know of, but my debit card did go missing this morning. Whoa. May have been in that homeless guy's wallet. Or the midget guy's wallet. Sorry. Could be in Lake Mead. Wow.

Do you think you love this lady? You know, I don't know. It's kind of soon to say. That's a no. Okay. No, no, I do. Is she here tonight? No, no, she's not.

Oh, I wish. It's Nathan Driver's mother, everybody! All right, hold on. What does she do for work? What does this girl do? She doesn't work right now, actually. Oh, so that's why your debit card went missing. Interesting.

A little suspicious here. Fuck. Yeah, I... And what do you do for work? I push shopping carts, yes Oh, that's right You push shopping carts Yeah, there's actually

There's a war going on There's a Sam's Club right next to a Walmart that I work at You work at the Walmart, right? Yeah, no, Sam's Club And the Walmart dudes totally hate us But it's funny, I feel almost pampered when I look at them because the dude comes with like a potato sack over him and he's missing

kind of like old Ichabod over there he's missing teeth how dare you how dare you talk about Ichabod I love Ichabod no hold on you're taking shots at the throne you know what Robert

you want to take a shot at Ichabod? I got bad news for you. Tonight, you're getting on the Greyhound bus, and Ichabod's moving into your apartment. Yeah. There we go. I would let him. Hey.

Look how excited he is. He thinks it's really happening. No, I'm a huge. He killed the little person, I think. It's Ichabod. They found... Next to the midget's body, they found a few teeth floating around

and DNA brings it back. His ass cheeks. The headless dwarfsman. What is that, an Ichabody in your fucking bathtub? All right, Robert Thompson. There he goes. You did it again. Thanks for coming on Robert Thompson's at Rob T. Comedy. That he goes. You did it again. Thanks for coming on. Robert Thompson's at Rob T Comedy.

That's tonight's episode of Kill Tony. Action packed. We went a little long. Long episode. Make sure you listen to the Danish and O'Neill podcast at All Things Comedy. Danish and O'Neill. D-A-N-I-S-H and O'Neill. And follow at Ryan O'Neill Comedy on Instagram and Twitter.

Jeff, what else? Where are you at on social media? Absolutely nowhere. Look at this drawing by Ryan J. Ebelts, everybody. Ryan J. Ebelts dot com for all the prints. Here, show the guys. Check out the Dana Schroeder O'Neill podcast and why

not go to Vegas and check out the fight 25th of August. It's the joint of the Hard Rock. JasonEllis.com to watch the live stream. Anything else? Yeah, watch me destroy Luis Gomez. Hell yeah. Kill Tony's going to Montreal, Cleveland, Cincinnati, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Nashville, Tennessee,

Lansing, Michigan, Grand Rapids, Detroit, Toronto, and a bunch of stand-up dates, a bunch of other places. If you want to come see my new Never Seen Before Hour, then that's at a bunch of different places. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com for that. How about a hand for Snow White, Jeremiah Watkins, huh? Jeremiah Wonders is my new favorite podcast to listen to. Jeremiah flexes all of his amazing characters and his wild imagination on a show.

We've all done it a couple times. Jeremiah, who did you have this week? Andrew Santino. Wow, one of our favorites. One of the funniest guys. Yeah. Follow me on social media at JeremiahStandUp. And then next month, Reagan and Watkins will be headlining with Joel Berg in Huntington

Beach and Phoenix. Wow. Huntington Beach and Phoenix. Pulling through with a strong Khaleesi, I believe, tonight. How about a hand for Chroma Chris, everyone? Chroma Chris is on social media. Chroma Chris. Chris, what did you think about tonight's episode? It was very enchanting,

Tony. Ooh. And how about one more time for the great and powerful Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Joel Berg is on all social media, mostly. Sorry. Anything else, Joel Berg? I love you guys. Peace. Hell yeah. He loves us.

Dennis and O'Neal, you guys are absolutely, I mean, two guys that I've always looked up to that I think are fucking amazing. Thank you so much for coming back on the show. Thanks for having us. Hell yeah. Unbelievable fucking monsters. Make sure you check out absolutely everything they do. They're absolutely hilarious all the time.

Brian Redband, get us out of here. That's an episode of Kill Tony. See you guys. Bye, guys. Thank you. Thank you.