KILL TONY - KILL TONY #28

Episode Date: December 21, 2013

Jimmy Shubert, Kirk Fox, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Brian Redban – Date: 12/09/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. You have to check out DeathSquad.TV right now for our tour dates. We have this new Texas tour that me and Tony Hinchcliffe are going on, and we got some exciting news. January 9th, we'll be in Houston, and we're going to be doing a podcast first, and then it's going to be followed by a comedy show. They have a deal that you can get both tickets for a cheaper price. So if you want to see the podcast and the comedy show, we got some good surprises for the podcast. It's going to be a lot of fun. There's been

talks of what we're going to do for the podcast, and I have some funny ideas. So it's going to be fun. So January 9th, we're going to do our first time we've ever done this. We're doing a podcast and then a comedy show in Houston at Fitzgerald's. And you can go to death squad dot TV for the tickets. Then the following day, January 10th, we are going to be in Austin, Texas at the Spider House Ballroom. And not only is it me and Tony Hinchcliffe, we have a special secret guest. And that guest is Tiffany Haddish. If you don't know who Tiffany Haddish is, check her out on Arsenio.

She's on Arsenio Hall, his show every Thursday. She did an awesome stand-up performance there a couple weeks ago. She is fucking hilarious. So you're going to love this. And she's going to also be with us the following day, January 11th, in Dallas, Texas, at the Curtain Club. So it's going to be Houston, Austin, Dallas. Texas tour on sale right now at DeathSquad.tv. Also, don't forget ShopSquad.TV for the new Death Squad sticker and Kitty Kat limited edition t-shirt. And they are going fast. And I might have some more to put in stock,

but I think this is almost near the end. So, go to ShopSquad.TV. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redbeck coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Yay, we did it. Here we are again, baby. Yay. Yay, we did it. Here we are again, everybody. How exciting. Hi, everyone. How are you guys doing tonight? Woo!

Yeah. Oh, yes. How awesome. Fuck yeah. It's all happening, people. I'm surprised you're here. I'm happy you're here, because for a while, I thought it was going to be touch and go from the first night this happened. You mean Thursday night? Yeah. Yes, Thursday night. I'm sure most of you, how could you possibly know? But Thursday night I got home after a fun night here and I was taking off my patented skinny jeans and it's so cold outside that I've been wearing a pair of long johns

underneath my skinny jeans to reinforce keeping me warm. Those of you that know me know I'm about 125 pounds of pure steel and muscle. And I was, I got, you know, I like had them around my knees and just like, you never think of it, you know know i'm just pulling that pant leg off but it was really hard and i was and instead of just pushing my pants down farther i just kept pulling so i'm like i'm gonna it's gonna fucking slide off any second then pop my lower back explodes the pain was so extreme that in that moment my vision turned into these two little dots never had that one happen before where all of a sudden you're looking through, like, construction. You can't see anything. It's, like, very fucked up.

That came back, though. So there I am, yelling, and... Were you screaming? I mean, I've never had an itis before. Yeah, and I've never really screamed before. Even when my car got ran over, even when my leg got ran over by a car, and my leg snapped into two pieces, I was laughing when that

happened this i was screaming yelling at three in the morning in my kitchen at the top of my lungs well the kitchen living room area it's so funny because i have the opposite with my jeans because i mean you have like hipster tight jeans on sort of they're not really they're just a little bit leaner you know what i mean they're not really but see, what happens is when I unbutton my pants, my pants fall to the ground like faster than gravity. Right. Yeah. Like, I pretty much

have pants on that I could jump a few times and they'll just fall right off me. Yeah. Have you ever worn baggy jeans ever?

Yeah, I used to wear baggy jeans, you know, when it was acceptable to wear jeans like that. I know. I mean, I'm just talking boot cuts. No, I know. Yeah. I mean, I'm just talking boot cuts. No, I know.

Yeah. I mean, up until just a few years ago, I was wearing a looser fitting type of jean. But I threw my back out, and that was crazy, so I had bed rest all day Friday, because the nerve that I blew out, the sciatic nerve, which is located

behind your upper hip and can extend all the way down to your foot in some cases. Luckily, mine didn't run down my leg. In a rare case, it just stayed right there, very localized. And after one day of bed rest, after all the comments that I read on my iPad that all said there's no way, you know, everybody's just like, two weeks in bed was the only thing that did it doctor said two weeks in bed two weeks in bed two weeks in bed

fuck you next day after one full day and one full night which is the first day and night I've spent in bed in literally like closer to a decade I fucking what is that Patriot what are you eating something are you

what's going on over there? I'm fine. I'm just listening. Just play it cool. We haven't introduced you yet. I'm trying to get through my backstory, okay? What's going on in there? Do you have like a candy in your mouth or something? No. There's something going on.

Nothing going on. He just can't even contain himself. I'm just listening. What are you... He's probably thinking that you're 29 and you shouldn't be pulling out your back. Well, yeah, I know, but this type of injury happens all the time to anyone, even super athletes.

I found this one. They call it, the muscle that I tore, the nerve, they call it the dog shit nerve because most people... This is a crazy fun fact, and it sort of shows you the weird, awkward thing that I was doing when I pulled it. They call it the dog shit nerve because most people, this is a crazy fun fact, and it sort of shows you the weird, awkward thing that I was doing when I pulled it. They call it the dog shit nerve because most people tear this nerve looking at the, when you think you stepped in dog poop, that thing you do when you look at the bottom of your shoe, that motion of like cupping your

leg up makes that thing just go pow, and it'll just give out once in a while. Then you never know. There's no controlling it. But what is crazy is the one day of bed rest that i had because i don't smoke cigarettes inside my apartment a couple days before i went to this vaporizer place right across the street from where i live and talked to a guy instead of just like going to a convenience store and being like all right i'll try one of these and then hating it after 40 minutes. I talked to a guy, I'm like, pack of Camelites pretty much every day for 10 years. What are we doing? And he's like, babity bah. So I have been cigarette free for four days for the first time ever. Thank you. We'll see how it goes. I'm taking it one day at a time for sure. I'm more amazed than anyone.

Now you're addicted to nicotine juice that you're going to be forever be sucking out of a pen. Right, of course. If I lived a fear-filled life, that's exactly what I would think. Luckily, I'm already weaning down on the nicotine juice as of yesterday, and I'm already at the equivalent of less

than a half a pack of cigarettes. Thank you. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad I'm here, but let's talk about a man whose back never tears. Our head of security is here once again. It's the Iron Patriot, everybody. There he is, venting all of that inner energy that he was holding back during my...

I will lead these new Avengers into battle against anyone who would threaten our way of life. I am the Iron Patriot. Tony, I'm sorry you had a bad week. And on top of that, the Spartans beat the Buckeyes. That must have hurt you real bad. Oh, wow. Okay, I guess we're going straight into that. Well, I'm proud of you, though.

I'm proud that you're stopping. You're trying to make an attempt to stop smoking. Then that's good. Bring up the Buckeyes right away. It's not the first time this week I felt stabbed in the back. Well, enough about you. Already stepping on my lines. Very good.

Just vent it all out, Patriot. Just go off on a rant here. Okay, enough about you. Now we're going to talk about me. I've been continuing to make my screenshots from my TV show and film appearances as a background artist. And I found one that really excited me this week. I found a shot from really excited me this week i found a shot from the movie the tv movie citizen jane i was i was sitting right behind meatloaf

and i don't know if you know this guy he's a very interesting character and he was born in dallas in 1947 and i want to ask you guys if you know this. In 1977, he made his major label debut. Can you guys remember what the name of this album is? It sold over 34 million copies. No. No, don't help him. You know it, Red Band? Of course I do. Okay, well, he already said it.

It's bad out of hell. And also, he's in an iconic film that came out in 1975 that still gets showed in many theaters across the nation at midnight. Now, you know what that film is? Rocky Horror Picture Show. Yes, Red Band. Wow, look at that. It's amazing what Meatloaf's Wikipedia page can tell you.

Oh, no, no. I still probably have rice in my asshole from going to many of those shows in Columbus, Ohio. Yeah, that is a big one there. They play it a lot out here, too. Redman, maybe you can answer this, too. You know when he sings that song that came out in 93, I would do anything for love, but I won't do that?

Yeah, what was he talking about? What does he mean by that? What is that? What won't he do? Probably a lot of the things that I've heard you talk about doing in your past. Letting a dog lick chocolate off of his penis. Tony, I'm going to tell you something, though. My dog, Buffy, has been dead for over 20 years.

You, on the other hand, have a dog named Trixie Vixen. Sounds like a porn star. Got its own Twitter page. I've seen a picture of you snuggling with this dog like it was your girlfriend. So you don't need to talk about me anymore. My bestiality days are way behind me. so you don't need to talk about me anymore my bestiality days are way behind me Patriot I can't believe you would

compare me taking a picture of me sleeping next to my dog while we're both sleeping and you're comparing that to letting a dog suck chocolate off your dick 20 years ago we don't know what you do behind closed doors though he's right

he's got a good point you don't know what I do behind closed doors that is true that might right. He's right. He's got a good point. You don't know what I do behind closed doors. That is true. That might have been how you feel your back out. Oh. Oh, no, he didn't.

I love it. Meatloaf, or Meatloaf. Yeah, Iron Meatloaf sent us another song again this week. I wish Meatloaf could be here now because I know he would love

the Dirty Crapper. You know, I have a question question actually, Patriot. Last week you mentioned that you were in multiple bands, not just the Dirty Crabber. Did those other bands have the same kind of sound as the Dirty Crabber? Oh, kind of. A little bit different. I'll get to that in later episodes.

But the first band... Alright, whenever you want, I guess. The first band, I was in whenever you want, I guess. Yeah, yeah. You know, the first band, I was in high school, and I started that band when I was a sophomore. It was called Romeo and the Dreamers. We had this song, One and One, and maybe we'll do that later,

but after that, in the late 80s, I had a band called Shame, and then after that was Dirty Crammer. But all those songs have different fans of those bands that remember those songs. Did you say fan or fans? Fans. First of all, how many people do you think are big Dirty Crabber fans out there? Pre-Kill Tony era of re-promoting this band from the 90s. I've been sending that music out for 20 years, so who knows?

I mean, it's stretched across the globe. I mean, it's in the underground, I'll admit. Just because you mail copies around the world doesn't mean that it's stretched around the world. No, but I'm just saying it's traveled, but the music's good and that kind of buzz always spreads.

It's been a, I don't know, I'm unaware, I don't know exactly How many fans are out there But I know they're ready To unite And bring back The Dirty Crabber What's the song

You sent this week Is this Dirty Crabber This song is called This song is called Go Insane He sent another song in Yeah Yeah

I'm on a street Calcone This is every week Yes yes I'm hot I'm hot I gotta keep it going While I'm hot Oh my god

Alright Let's do it for those of you that don't know the patriots then used to be in a a rock and roll band of i don't know it's not really rock and roll what would you call that um it's a mixture of a lot of things got a rock pop got a little saxophone it's like b-52s meets uh that was one song the mailman there's there's the other songs don't really sound like It's always really bad. It's like if K-pop was from Texas. All of his songs are always

six minutes long, but we only can possibly play a minute and a half before it feels like it's been six minutes. That guy's lost. Don't take it out on me, Tony. Oh. Do your fucking song. it's been six minutes. Buckeyes lost. Don't take it out on me, Tony. Oh.

Do your fucking song. Oh, now the song won't play. It's because the Buckeyes lost, I guess. Where'd you go to college? University of North Texas in Denton. The Mean Green. Yeah, yeah. Here we go.

Piece of shit. Turn it up, turn it up. Oh, feedback this week. Is that part of the thing? Oh, wow. He can only move certain directions, people. I need a change. Look like I'm gonna go insane.

I need a change. Look like I'll go insane. There is magic in the air With lots of lovin' everywhere There's a love you just don't find Lookin' on the back line And it goes on and on again. Fever keeps running through my head. And it goes on and on again. Tingling up my backbone.

This mystery. It's kind of crazy but it's meant to be. Looks like I'm gonna go insane I need a change Oh my god. Ah. Yeah. Alright. You guys don't really have to clap.

He's not gonna kill himself. So how long ago was that song from? Which band wrote that song? Was that the Dirty Crabber? That was at the end of Dirty Crabber in 1993. Do yourself a favor. Go to iTunes. And never listen to it again.

This is the first song on the Dirty Crabber album. Go to iTunes. Download this. Listen to all nine songs because the musicianship is outstanding on this record. Now, we've got a guitar player on there named Eric Presswood that was the original player of Edie Burkell and the New Bohemians. Do you really think anybody gives a shit about this? Like, in what possible world would you be name-dropping a guy from 93? What does he do now?

What, is he wearing a Batman costume on Marin's podcast? Like, what's going on? No, he lives in Argentina, but I'm going to get him back once I get this revival going. He's going to come back. Now, the guitar solos on this album sound like Buckethead on heroin. They're intense. Now, this album will take you on a journey.

If you want to smoke a little reefer before that, that'll make it better. It'll take you on a journey to the roof of your apartment building to jump off. Yeah. It jams in. It's a good, clean recording. And I had that band tight as shit, man. I had them practicing

for months. They went in that studio. We did a few overdubs, but basically that was just live. That's a real band and it's raw. And all this shit today

is so overproduced. This shit is raw. It's live. That's all I got to say. Okay. There you go. Everybody, the Iron Patriot, everybody. This shit is raw and live. Oh my god. Okay, there you go. Everybody, the Iron Patriot, everybody. There he is.

Let's move into the main, uh, let's slowly descend into the mainframe of this show, everybody. As always, I always have tons of comedians that sign up for the opportunity to do one minute here, and as always, I always have two of my funniest friends, two amazing guests. Uh, this week, as always, is always have two of my funniest friends, two amazing guests. This week, as always, is so special

because it really doesn't get much more exciting than the two guests I have here. In no particular order whatsoever, this guy, one of my favorite comedians I've ever seen and gotten to even make friends with, you can start clapping now. He's done the road with the likes of Sam Kennison,

one of the top favorites and regulars here at the Comedy Store. It's Jimmy Schubert, everybody! And the host of the test, the winner of the HBO Aspect Comedy Festival, and one of the funniest guests I've ever had the pleasure of having

on this show. His return only three weeks after his debut. Kirk Fox, everybody! He's back. Yeah, there he is. We're all here. Welcome.

Thank you. Thank you, Tony. Kirk, it's good to have you back Thank you this is the place to be tonight Thank you so much Jimmy how's it going Fantastic You ever do a show next to a specimen like that No but he's a background artist

I'm right here Are you looking at me I'm right here you're talking to me I love it Let me say something to you Jimmy I'll fucking pull your Duracell battery I'm right here. You're talking to me. I love it. Yeah, let me say something to you, Jimmy. I'll fucking pull your Duracell battery, bro, and you'll fucking shut down quicker than the motherfucker, please.

Don't threaten me. We're just getting to know each other. All right. Okay, Jimmy. I don't know if you're aware. What time do you have that suit back by? What time do you got that rental till? I will say you do look a little shinier than last time, so you've been armor-rolling, correct?

I'm battle one, but what I want to say is, I don't know if you're aware, but yesterday, December 8th, was Sam Kennison's birthday. He would have been 60 years old. Really? And you don't think I fucking know that? All of a sudden, I'm fucking dope? Really? Well, as Tony said, you went out on tour with him before he died. Can you tell us anything about what that was like? Excuse me, Tony. I'm going to talk to somebody who's fucking not in a fucking suit. I'm going to talk to a U and B.

I'm going to talk to somebody who dresses up like fucking the Iron Patriot. Patriot, could you possibly have asked a more regular question than that? Just what was that like? Well, I think it was good timing because it's both... What do you think it was like when your best friend dies?

What would happen? What do you think? I was thinking, but he went out on... You think he liked talking about it? Yeah, let me tell you what it was like when my best friend died. Like, listen, if there was a transformer you were fucking,

and then all of a sudden it stopped and just wouldn't transform into anything, how would you feel about that? What was the tour like when you went on tour? Yeah, we heard the question. Yeah, it's only an hour and a half fucking podcast, right? It was fantastic. It was a lot of fun.

Fuck yeah. You think you might have had a chance to open for him if he was still here? Maybe open a door. He actually crashed into a car that looked just like you. That's right. The guy was... That outfit was made from the fucking car parts

from the car that crashed into him. The last thing he saw was a truck with one headlight. Yeah, great. Great. Glad you could fucking show up in the car parts from the car accident. Can I say something to you, Kirk? Can you say something to me?

Before we do this show, I want to talk to you for a second. I read something about you that was very interesting today. Back in 1990... You have a lot of free time. That's awesome. Go ahead. Yeah, I got a lot of free time. In 1999, you were married to Clint Eastwood's daughter, Allison, for 10 months.

Now, why did that end so quickly? How did you meet her? And did you spend a time with Clint? Jesus Christ. Well, listen, I will say it ended when I found out that she wasn't living with Clint anymore. What else do you want to know?

It was a great marriage. I miss him and I wish it had worked out. I will say the last thing he did say to me was, he's like, you son of a bitch. And I was like, you called me son. I'm so excited. That's all I ever wanted. Did he tell you to get off his lawn after that?

No, he said, get off my daughter. Get off my daughter. No, it was great. It just didn't work out. But you know how that is. I'm sure there's been a lot of celebrity daughters that you've married. Yeah, I'm sure the last vagina you saw was

the one you came out of. Iron Patriot. This guy's got the kind of charm you can wipe off with a damn cloth, this fucking Iron Patriot cocksucker. I just like how low the mic is. That to me is my favorite

part of this. It's like his dick is talking. I've got a speaker in my chest, so the sound's coming out this way. I don't care where it's coming from. I don't my favorite part of this. It's like his dick is talking. I've got a speaker in my chest, so the sound's coming out this way. Yeah, I don't care where it's coming from. I don't listen to much of it. Well, we are already off and running. I am so glad to have you two guys here. Tony, where else would you be?

Exactly. Well, this week is actually pretty exciting. You guys know comedians come on and do a minute, and then we chat with them. Today, we set a record for all time highest amount of signups at 38. So that's a new 38 comedians. So you're saying

we're going to be here at least 38 minutes. No, not everybody gets up. We run it to a certain clock. We have to be done. You want me to pull it up? Jimmy, how are you feeling? You feeling good about it? I feel good. Let me pull the first one. Hey Brian, what's up Brian? Oh wait, before we do that, I just have to say done before... You want me to pull it up? Jimmy, how are you feeling? You feeling good about it? I feel good. Let me pull the first one. Hey, Brian, what's up, Brian? Oh, wait.

Before we do that, I just have to say, comedians, you all know that you're doing 60 seconds. When you hit 60 seconds, you're going to hear the meow of a kitty. You better wrap up then, because if you... That is an angry kitty.

It's true. You better wrap up then, because if you run the light, you're going to hear the West Hollywood angry bear. And that bear sounds Hollywood angry bear. And that bear sounds extra angry tonight. Holy shit.

It's always extra angry. We got EC. Is that an angry bear? Wow. EC's coming up. This guy has been on the last four weeks in Internet sensation. Proves to you how crazy the show is. Schubert just picked this out. The return of Eric Carter, everybody.

Internet Sensation. Thanks. Open and strong with EC. What's up? How you doing, man? Eric Carter. Yeah, good to see me. What's up, Hollywood?

Let's give it up for Kill Tony, this awesome cast. And for those who's never been here before, my name is Eric Carter, and I am from the deep south. I am from Mississippi, and I have been living in the state of California for five months. But it doesn't matter where I've been or how many countries I've been to or how many languages. I always get treated like a damn idiot every time I first meet somebody over here. They always get the, hey, where are you from? And I'm like, I'm from Mississippi.

Oh, I bet it's different from here than the south. No, it's the fucking same. Same diversity and same everything. See, just as much Confederate flags in Orange County as I do back in the South. Holy shit, I bought more pistols in Dana Point than I've had in Death Valley. Yeah, I like it. I like it. I like it I like it I gotta say, Jimmy, he reminds me a little of you

You know what? He comes out with that confidence, the swagger I do have a question How many countries have you been to and how many languages do you speak? I've been to England, I've been to France And I've been to the United States That is a country. And I studied French for two years in college

and I did Rosetta Stone. So tell me what this means. You have to remember that life is cut every moment. At one point, it's all the same. Oh, God. All right, sorry, motherfucker. I did call you a bluff, bitch. All right.

How are you? I'm fluent because I go to Montreal every year. What do you think, Jimmy? I like this guy. I love a guy who speaks a French accent with a southern drawl. I love a guy who speaks a French accent with a southern drawl. The view today, we're rappin' y'all. Que la vie est de chaque moment.

Hey, bonjour. I like it. It's fantastic. Thank you. Merci beaucoup, monsieur. Merci. Have you thought about doing your act in French? I have.

I do have like a French fan base, and I got a I got little fans. That might be who you should target. I'll be the next Jerry Lewis. Why not, man? That's where the money is. They think he's a genius. Took you a long time to get to the part about the Confederate flag. It did. I don't know. I got a bit intimidated. I'm a big Sam

Kennison fan. I've seen your stuff. Sam's not here. I don't know if you heard the Iron Idiot, but it's the 20-year anniversary of his death, 21 actually. It actually was 43 seconds until you got to your first, I guess, tag joke part of it. Yeah, punchline. Yeah, you need to figure out what's going on.

But I like your swagger. I like your confidence. And, you know, you get this very southern draw. I like your swagger. I like your confidence. You get that southern draw. I like it. Just get to the punch quicker. Because then if it doesn't work, you can get to the next one. Totally. Eric Carter, you're going places.

Totally. Five months? Yeah, I got here in July. Well, continued success, man. Keep at it. You're definitely going places. I hope it works out with you have a car. Yeah, I got here in July. Well, continued success, man. Keep at it. You're definitely going places. Right now, back to your seat. I hope it works out with you and Rosetta Stone.

Thank you. That's at CallMeEC on Twitter, guys. That's Eric Carter. Eric Carter. You like picking? I like picking, man. I like picking. Jimmy the Picker.

Mixing them up. Mixing it up. I love it. Mixing it up. Oh, shit. Brad Sachs. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. There we go. Oh, hey. What's up, man? How are you, Brad? Fucking on top of the world. Where else would we be? That's right. I'm engaged, guys. I recently got engaged. Thank you.

Thank you. My fiance hates comedy. She hates that I do comedy. She used to like comedy, but then she saw me do it. She's like, it's not for me. A lot of people tell me when they see me do this, they're like, don't quit your day job. They do that. But then some of them will see me at my day job.

They're like, kill yourself. Because it's hard up here. It takes a lot out of you, out of my life. A lot of people ask me, how is life? I tell them it's taking forever. That's all I got for that bit. There you go. What do you do in your other job? I'm a salesman.

I sell cleaning products. Yeah, you should mention that in a bit. Yeah. What do you sell? Cleaning products. Soap. Nice. I have a little bit about it.

And I'll also say, if you have 60 seconds and you get to 40 seconds and you're done, find another 20 seconds. Just stand there and just kick it in. Stretch. I like to end it real quick, real fast. Well, this isn't fucking. This is comedy. So draw it out a little.

But you're funny. Those are good jokes. But if you only have 60 seconds right stretch those out a little yeah yeah now why does she hate comedy why does your fiance hate it uh because she's come to so many oh yeah you know shows and stuff that now she's like just fuck off basically you know but i gotta tell you that's that's not bad because you don't want her coming to your shows so maybe your mission worked yeah yeah i don't want her because then i gotta you know i can't really got to, you know,

I can't really say how much I hate you. It's like hanging a Christmas light. And you can't fuck other people at your shows. Right. Which I do. I do that. Talk about it. That would have been

a good extra 20 seconds. See that laugh I got? That could have been yours. Hopefully the engagement will last longer than your fucking set. Yeah. How long have you been engaged?

Since April. When are you guys going to pull the trigger on it? Probably like About a year maybe So you're not really getting married? No we are You don't seem confident in it I'm not

Oh there you go Hopefully she won't listen to this podcast Why would she? She hates comedy Right exactly Hopefully she won't listen to this podcast. Why would she? She hates comedy. Right, exactly. Well, you know, I mean, there's also something you could do about mentioning maybe, you know, how, I don't know, maybe there's some kind of connection about how she doesn't want to watch you sell cleaning products either.

Yeah. I don't know. What kind of soap are you selling? It's like industrial. You can't even get through it. Why kind of soap are you selling? It's like industrial. You can't even get through it. Why aren't you talking about this? I mean, you got to talk about selling soap. No, no, I do. Maybe tie in soap on a rope and then say you'd like to hang yourself with the rope.

That's good. I have a soap on a rope bit. Well, so do I. Oh, you do? I do now. So stop doing it. It's funny. I said it first. I've been working on a bit like that? I do now. So stop doing it. I do now. It's funny. I said it first.

I've been working on a bit like that for six months now. I did a soap on a joke last year. You're so dirty, but you should also hang yourself. Soap on a joke. Industrial strength soap. Yeah. Industrial, like, and paper products. And I got to tell you, no one has an industrial strength soap joke.

So you're talking about orange chlorides and DDTs and that shit? Industrial strength, like fucking cleaning products that fucking cause cancers and stuff. Yes, yes, correct. That's what you do.

So basically you're asking if he'll come clean your house. No, fuck no. It's gotta be really dirty people you need to sell to that they need that kind of clean cleaning stuff. Oh yeah.

What do you try to like figure out? Like murders that just got out of jail and stuff like that? You just murdered a hooker and now all the DNA is in the rug. How do you clean it up? Get my new fucking industrial strength. You're going to have a lot of jokes.

Just keep diving into those. Yeah. All right. And throw a vacuum into one of them. Yeah. Okay. How about some industrial strength jokes next time? That would be great.

You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. There he goes, Brad Sachs, everybody. All right. He's on Twitter at Brad Sachs. He is on Twitter at Brad. S-H-A-C-H-S. Yes, yes.

I think that marriage might work. Yeah, I think it's going to work out. I think there's a chance. You mean him, the marriage between him. Well, not with him, but she's getting married. Yeah, totally. We got one. This is Carlos Escobar.

Whoa. Oh, totally. We got one. This is Carlos Escobar. Whoa. Carlos Escobar. Hey, guys. How you doing? Thank you, man. I appreciate that. You guys heard that right, Carlos Escobar. I'm Colombian.

And the first thing that people always ask me is, you must know how to dance salsa or sell cocaine, which is a big stereotype. Colombians are also known for their food, our cuisine. Like, it tastes a lot like Mexican food, except Colombian food is served on a glass plate, and you eat it through a rolled-up dollar bill. I also work out.

I do P90X. It's a great workout. If you go online, you can check out their transformation videos. I saw this one chick had an amazing transformation. She used to be a size 16, and now she's a dude. She sweat the pussy right off her body. But I have a bad back, so my girlfriend said you should try yoga. I'm like, I can't do yoga. I'll do P90X yoga, because anything with P90X in the title is tough, and it gets you ripped. Like, if my girlfriend came up to me and said, hey, babe, you want to get your nails done? I'm like, no. But if she said, you want to get a P90X manicure?

I'm like, let's do this shit. Get my fingers all ripped. Some dude came up to me and said, oh, my God, Carlos, you're so funny. I totally want to take you out for drinks. I'm like, all right. No, finish the joke. Yeah, so I was like, oh, man, I appreciate that, but I'm flattered, but I'm not gay. He's like, no, no, no, you totally misunderstood me.

I just want to take you out, and I'll give you a peanut in your ex blowjob and get you all ripped. Okay, next. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry I asked you to complete the joke. I apologize. I apologize to the audience. I'm so nervous, man.

Sorry. No, it's all right, bro. Shaking like a dog trying to shit a peach seed. I apologize. I apologize to the audience. I'm nervous, man. Sorry. No, it's alright, bro. Shaking like a dog trying to shit a peach seed. I get it. It's a fucking very hot fucking podcast we're doing here. Everybody's fucking nervous. I like it. It was one joke after another joke after another joke. You had a good rhythm. I liked it.

Heck yeah. I gotta be honest. I liked it as well, but I think you should slow it down. Okay. Because you have funny material there, and your delivery was just so fast you're blowing through the punchline. Made you anxious. Even though you have 60 seconds, it doesn't mean you have to have a joke every 10 seconds. You can have a killer joke every 20 seconds. Is that how fast you talk if you're doing, say, like a 10-minute set, or were you trying to get a lot of jokes out in 60 seconds?

The jokes aren't that long, so I was trying to get a couple punchlines in there right yeah i really wouldn't do that that's something you sort of learn here also just doing the open mic because they only give you three minutes when you very first start here and a lot of people are like why do they only give three minutes there but i think it teaches something about because people can tell when somebody's really rushing through material and to be able to get the best out of your minute while still sounding like a human being. And I also think it's really important to be able to hear the audience because you don't even know if they were laughing

because you're blowing through the punchline so quick. Yeah, the train take off at 90 miles an hour. You didn't give them a chance to get on the train before you took off. But you're Colombian. You're probably on blow and fuck it, it's cool. I've done so much blow touring with sam kinnison i once got a handwritten thank you letter from your uncle pablo escobar

are you how long have you been doing stand-up uh it'll be four years in may nice and do you have a lot of uh like cocaine jokes and escobar jokes and things like that i just started writing them because uh somebody told me that i should start tapping into, like, my background or heritage, whatever. Someone said you should start tapping into coke. You should tap into your heritage. Do a line. That seems like a suggestion. It had nothing to do with comedy.

He's just like, get me some coke, and we'll talk about it. When someone rushes through their jokes, that's where I draw the line. Yeah, cut another one. Anyway their jokes, that's where I draw the line. Yeah, cut another one. Anyway. No, when people hear that on the podcast, they're going to piece it together. That's funny. A lot of this shit won't hit here, but later when people can play it over and over again. One of those time release jokes.

P90. That's where the money is. That's right. If you invented it, not if you're doing jokes. That was your P90X set. You rushed through it. I feel like I had a workout. And when you say get your nails done, I would say

if you're going to take that route, which I wouldn't, I would say manicure because nails done really doesn't make any sense. Do you want to get a manicure? Oh, do you want a P90X manicure? Because nails done and then doing P90X manicure. But I would change it from manicure altogether. Make something else

seem more extreme. Especially that last part that Jimmy asked you to do. Don't do that part ever again. I didn't know what it was before I asked him to do it. No, I know. There was no way you could know. No, I know. Because of you, we all suffered. Even the bear came out on that one.

Yeah. But that was fun. Carlos Escobar, everybody. Carlos Escobar. You're funny. He's on Twitter. It's C-Los Esco. Who do you got to show your tits around here to get a drink?

That's what I want to know. Oh, Vodka Rocks? Oh. Wait, can I show my tits here on stage? Fuck yeah. Who is this? Let me see. Is this actually happening?

Oh, wait, wait. You got to show them to the judges first. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Hold on. Let's see those. What are all those dollar bills? All right.

Did you just come right from the strip club? Look at all those dollar bills hanging out. Those were fantastic. Okay. Actually, my name is Crazy McComic. We knew that. Your name's Crazy and you're a comic. What a shocker. You never meet a fucking crazy comic.

Yeah, your minute has already started. You take off those bows, you can do whatever the fuck you want. By the way, there's a lesson in show business for everyone. How that just went down. Like, how do I get to be 38 fucking people waiting for the chance to be one minute? Hey, who wants tits? We do.

Wait, the reason I wanted to get up. By the way, I did that to make up for fucking making Carlos tell the other fucking joke. All right? So now we're even, audience. Now we're fucking even. I just wanted to say, the reason that I wanted to get up here and show my titties is because my best friend who's homeless is right there. And I would take a bullet for him, by the way.

That's Amir. His 37th birthday. Okay, and if you don't believe it. Are you going to take a bullet for him also? I would take a homeless. Wait, listen. I'll tell you what. And the funny thing is.

Wait, listen. I want to make it really funny. I want to make it really funny. Wait, let me get it. You had a minute, Cupcake. What's that sound? The tits weren't big enough for three minutes. I'm sorry.

You only have 30 second tits. 30 seconds. Can I have the mic for 30 seconds? Go. Everyone shut up for 30 seconds. Now you're losing it. Be careful. Can everyone please give me the floor for 30 seconds? You you're losing it. Be careful. Okay. Wait, just one second. Can everyone please give me the floor for 30 seconds?

You're seven seconds in. Okay. So the reason that I wanted to come up here is because, honestly, I'm not a person who has attitude at all, okay? And the funny thing is... No, listen. No, no, I have... Listen. No, no, listen.

No, I want to tell you why. I want to tell you something. This is a funny joke. It's a funny joke. So I said to Amir, you know I'd take a bullet for you. And he goes to me, I wouldn't take a bullet for you. And that's so funny. And then he goes to me, I wouldn't take a bullet for you. And that's so funny. And then he goes to me, but I'd fast when you died.

He's fucking hungry. I thought that was really funny. Boom. There you go, everybody. Killed it. There you go. Killed it. No, you got to pay me for that.

That's what the other guys paid me. They paid me the other room. I just performed there to sing Happy Birthday, Marilyn Monroe Styles, my friend. Nice. Awesome. There you go. There goes crazy, everybody. For me at 9.30 and here at dawn.

Crazy. Dawn at 9.30 or something. Oh, okay. Alright. Crazy. Lost a few tiles on the re-entry, everybody. Keep it going for crazy. She take a bullet. Alright. I thought when she said her homeless friends here that she was going to try to raise money for them or something.

I'm also single. I'm also single and I'm a smart, slutty comic on Match.com. It's a real profile and you can read my whole story. I'm also on Siobhan's show. Okay, right now you're trespassing. Get out of here. Really? Jimmy, you want to pull another name for the love of God?

This show's a fun one, huh? Oh. Can I show my tits to get a minute? Is it Jim Ever? Tim Greer. Tim Greer. There he is. Tim Greer, everybody.

Tim Greer. Tim Greer. How y'all doing? So this is the thing. I'm getting old, and I notice that the older I get, the more I hate cool shit. Like, I actually hate twerking. I do. Like, if a woman want to impress me, don't twerk something.

Cook something. Like, serious. I don't give a damn how much you shake your ass. It's attractive. But I can't fuck you famished. Like, seriously. Like, I'm getting old. Like, I hate people to say YOLO.

This is the thing. If you don't know what YOLO means, YOLO means you only live once. This is my thing. Who the fuck know live twice? Like, seriously. And if I'm going to follow somebody, why would I follow the nigga that lived once? Follow somebody that lived a second time. Jesus.

Megatron. Anybody with a sequel. You know? Like, seriously. Like, little black kids, we always tell them, keep it real. It's 2013, people. You can't we always tell them keep it real it's 2013 people you can't tell every motherfucker keep it real we have rapists pedophiles terrorists

all them niggas keep it real they don't need to that's all I'm saying you know like women they say the dumbest shit in the world I'm looking for my dream man bitch why are you awake go take a nap that's my thing I think it's only fair to roofie women as long as you do it so they shut the fuck up that's my thing I think it's only fair to roofie women

as long as you do it so they shut the fuck up that's my time thank you there you go nailed it there you go well done

fuck yeah well done not easy to follow a set of tits but well done I like it boom boom boom heck yeah

what was that last one that you just said the it's okay to roofie women as long as you do it so they shut the fuck up oh Boom. Heck yeah. What was that last one that you just said? It's okay to roofie women as long as you do it so they shut the fuck up. See, that's more of a fact. It's not really a... No, comedy is just a funny way of being serious. Here's what I think.

I think your delivery is strong, epic. You have wild confidence. But I think everything you're talking about, each one is a setup. Like I don't think there were any jokes in that minute, but I think you had five or six amazing premises. So I think you should take each one of those premises and then just start adding punchlines. Punch them up a little bit.

But I'm not saying it in a negative way i'm saying you're very engaging yeah and you're saying right right right on those premises a little more and punch them up a little bit but you also have something you can't learn because you could take one of those premises and and get five or six tags you know you you did 10 or 12 jokes when you could have done two jokes and gotten six tags for each one. And for five grand, I'll do it for you in an hour. You look like you got money, so we'll talk after. All right.

You're on the right track. Wait, Tim. Hold on a second. What are you guys doing? Hold on. Wait, Chip. What are you doing? I'm just... I'm excited – You're already pulling names. I'm sorry. I'm excited to be here.

I love it. I'm so happy to have you. Yeah, spread that stuff out. Like if you're going to say something about roofing a girl to only have her shut up, like there's got to be more. You've got to stay in a pocket. There's got to be a reason why you need her to shut up. Yeah. Right.

Like when you engage – like do your impression of her going on and on and on. So I think it's okay to be more. You've got to stay in a pocket. There's got to be a reason why you need her to shut up. Yeah. Right. Like, when you engage, like, do your impression of her going on and on and on. Right. So I think it's okay to roofie girl just to get her to shut the fuck up. Because then you give the audience the information. Now you can do the punchline. Even if all that they're saying is, I don't know if I want to have sex tonight. You know, that's enough for them to be talking too much for you to roofie them. Yeah.

Like, if you're playing the role in this joke. Like, I'm sitting here, my fucking left ear is fucking bleeding. I'm going to roofie her just to get her to shut the fuck up. Right. Like I'm sitting here, my fucking left ear is fucking bleeding. I'm going to roofie her just to get her to shut the fuck up. Right. You know? Okay. Yeah.

Or to kill her. Yeah. The things you got to do to get some pussy. You got to hear the fucking whole life story. And then when I was two, oh, there goes the roofie. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.

There you go. Got the fuck up. But you're on track, man. I think you're going to do great. Thank you. There he goes. Tim Greer. Tim Greer.

He's at the... Do you... Jimmy, let me ask you a question before we pick our next comedian. Do you remember any material that you did when you were first starting out, like a joke that you did? Yeah, he's still doing it. Yeah, man. I actually got the first couple times I was ever on stage. And to watch it, it's just fucking, it's like watching yourself in a gay porno.

You go, what the fuck was I thinking? It's just fucking horrible. Yeah, when I first started, I was like 17. I was in Philly. I was doing a Comedy Factory outlet. And I had no voice. And you were just doing these jokes. And yeah, it's brutal to watch.

Every once in a while I pop it in just to fucking, just to keep me humble. Wow. Yeah, I'll show it. I should put it up

on my fucking website. Yeah. I'll pop it up on YouTube. You'd love it. The gay porn? No. Yeah. Just throw that up there.

Yeah, sure. I had mine on YouTube up until about a month ago because I re-watched it and I was like, oh, fuck this. I don't want to show people that.-watched it and I was like, oh, fuck this. I don't want to show people that. But I've had it up for like, whatever, seven years I've had it

on YouTube. Yeah, let's lose it. Yeah. Hey, Jimmy. I'm a Dallas Cowboy fan and it looks like we're head-to-head with the Philadelphia Eagles this year. No, you're fucking getting your ass kicked by the Chicago Bears and I'm not even watching. It's like 41 to 27.

Yeah. What's up with you and sports all of a sudden? You know, for a guy that wears a fucking comic book suit, you would know an awful lot about sports this year. I'm missing Monday Night Football tonight to be here. I hope you appreciate it, Tony. There's still time. You can still catch the last minute if you want to run out. The game's still on.

You can still catch it. I mean, you've also missed the last, like, 17 Monday night footballs to be here. Yeah, but the Dallas Cowboys are playing tonight, though. Oh, that's right. He's from Dallas. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Speaking of Dallas.

Here we go. Next comedian. Death Squad is coming to Texas in January. Me and Tony are doing a Texas tour. Fuck yeah. Actually, I can't believe it's already coming. But January 9th in Houston. January 10th in January. Me and Tony are doing a Texas tour. Actually, I can't believe it's already coming, but January 9th in Houston, January 10th in Austin,

and January 11th in Dallas. That's San Antonio. Yeah, but we changed it. Oh, it is Austin. Jimmy and I will be at El Compadre's drinking margaritas. Margaritas and playing with our mariachi band. Do you hang at El Compadre a lot, Kirk? Because I've actually seen you there twice before. Yeah, every day I stop in there and make sure they're doing okay.

Every once in a while you can catch us down at that little bar called Coke and Horse. I mean, Coach and Horses. Coach and Horses is what I make. El Capadre is an important part of my life. Yeah, I love it. Chicken tacos, margaritas, a couple times a week. It reminds me of a Mexican version of that restaurant that they walk into in Goodfellas. It reminds me of a Mexican version of El Compadre.

It's definitely that. He's got a new name, everybody. We are ready for our next contestant on The Jokes Are Right. Any Malik. Anya Malik. Big booty. Big booty.

Anya Malik. What's going on, y'all? How you feeling? Nice. Good, good. I'm a bachelor. I like to say that I'm a bachelor more than I like to say that I'm single. I just don't like to describe myself as single. You know what I mean?

Just the sound of it sounds hella weak. Like, I'm single. Like, your voice. I don't know. The N and the G place right there make you just really single. Like, you sound like you're a victim of something. Like, you got stabbed or something. Like, you know, like, oh, I don't know the N and the G place right there make you just really single. Like you sound like a victim of something. Like you got stabbed or something. Like, oh, I'm single. It hurts. I'm so alone. It's like I'm a bachelor. Watch out. I applaud for this job.

It's like the difference between a janitor and a custodian. Like I got credentials. I'm a bachelor. You're single. My shit comes with a pad. A small ass pad at that. My apartment is real small. I got to go outside to think. It's not enough room for me and my thoughts in my room.

I still get female company though. I show them over like a player. Yeah, come on in ladies. It's the living room. This is the kitchen. This is the dining room. I give the whole tour standing in one spot. It's real convenient. This is the lobby. Y'all got a lobby.

There you go. The bear came out quick on that one. I love it. Fuck yeah. First thing I would say is that when you're talking about single, I would give examples. I would get talking about single, I would give examples. I would get into that more. I don't know.

When's the word single used? Like craft singles? Right? Like something like that? I would make an example like that. Because you're talking about how you don't like being called single, right? Right, yeah. How you go by...

Wait, what's the other thing? Bachelor. Bachelor, right. Versus single saying bachelor. How about a sexual philanthropist? I like that. You don't mind if I borrow that? No, that's why we're fucking here, to help you fucking become a middle-aged motherfucker.

You think I'm fucking wasting my time? I'm missing Monday Night Football, too, bitch. Good looking out, man. I appreciate that. And I also missed it. Was there a tie to you saying that you like being called a bachelor and her seeing your apartment all in one room? Oh, it was a transition from me preferring to be referred to as a bachelor

instead of saying single, and I say it comes with a pad. Gotcha, gotcha. My small bachelor. I like your style, how you don't use periods. No. It all just rolls into the next one. Where'd they do that at? It's so funny. You could sit there and take a shit and open a

refrigerator door at the same time. I mean, that's how fucking small it is. Without getting too deep into my lifestyle. Yeah, it's a real small apartment. Well, you would have brought it the fuck up, man. I mean, you might as well lean into it. But yeah, it was good, man. You got some real good fucking stand-up there.

It was good. I liked it. Yeah. I thought you were great. I could watch you for... Another fucking 20 minutes. No, two minutes. I could watch you two more minutes.

Okay, that's a sin. No, but I would just elaborate on some of those things. You're just blowing through them too quick. I think that's the key. When you're doing a minute, you can have a great minute instead of a fucking shitty one. I heard that. We're not playing

this as a joke. It wasn't a shitty minute. It would be less spectacular, maybe. I'm just saying, if you have a minute, don't try and fill it with so much shit. Slow it down because you're funny as hell but you're blowing through your jokes.

And I think instead of saying that it comes with the territory, it comes with the pad type of thing, I think you can take a stronger route than that because I don't think that comes across as a joke. I would get into, since you're talking about it, I would get into why they call it a bachelor pad. Why that is

single. How you can't have nobody's off of that. I would also find a few other weak words that people don't like to be called. As opposed to just single. Go deep. What else

don't you like to be called? Look at his face. Y'all don't know if you can see it. Yeah, but did you see what just happened? They laughed at that. Right, yeah. So there's a few other words I, you know, I don't like to be called this. And the worst thing you can call me is single.

Yeah, and what do they call women that are single? Whores. What I'm saying is, shouldn't there be an equivalent word for women that are single? Like crazy? I don't know. Oh, and by the way,

y'all shouldn't have let that girl on with them titties, man. There's a lot of female comics that have been really trying. You know what I'm saying? Look at this guy fucking making a fucking stand. Get out of here! there's a lot of female comics that were That was, you know. Let me tell you something. You know, it's just. Yeah. Get out.

Come on, motherfucker. You're not producing a show. You're not producing a show. Malik. Patriot, get his ass. I'm getting Malik.com. Wait, wait, wait. And you know, guys. But if he had done 60 seconds on the titty visa, that would have been a great...

Yeah, it would have been nice. Speaking of titties... We didn't know what kind of titties they were going to be. Hey, let me say something. If we would have gave her another 30 seconds, she might have took off her pants too. That's right. See, now we're on the same page, Iron Patriot. Now me and you are fucking great.

You guys should actually live together. Get a little sitcom going I think it might work out if the patriot had a nose you guys could do blow after the show

after this those days are long gone I retired my straw it was a hall of fame career you would never do blow with someone who looked like

a fucking vacuum no fuck no that's fucking stupid alright coming to the stage coming to the stage, coming to the stage right now,

Melanie Baldenado, ladies and gentlemen. Melanie Baldenado. Melanie Baldenado. Melanie Baldenado. Speaking of titties, got a pair. There's so many people who are so feisty in this world, all these feisty people.

I saw two deaf girls arguing in the street. Two deaf girls. One deaf girl said to the other, bitch, keep my name out of your hands. One deaf girl said to the other, bitch, keep my name out of your hands. Fuck. I don't understand why gay guys are allowed to get feisty,

but if I get the same kind of feisty, I'm a bitch. They call them sassy. I see a gay guy snap his finger in someone's face, and I think, you're allowed to do that? I take a penis, too. I'm not allowed to do that. I take a penis too. I'm not allowed to do that. It's horrendous. Oh man, I was a kid of the 1980s.

I would now like to do an impersonation of my father in the 1980s. Good night. Nailed it. Yeah, nailed it. Right on the money. 59.8 seconds. Listen, I saw you three weeks ago, and you're a lot better. You've slowed down.

I think three weeks ago I told you to slow it down, and you really did. So I'm responsible for any laughter you make. Thank you, Kirk Fox. Thank you so much. For 15 extra seconds, what would you do? You know, I'm not that desperate. Sorry. Wait a few years.

Hey, I'm kidding. Welcome to show business. Now, I thought it was great. You came out with solid jokes. You came right out, boom, boom. I liked it. A couple of those Jimmy's going to use. Yeah. Which ones, Jimmy? Two deaf girls

or the gay guys? You don't take a penis, though. You can't take that one. Or do you? No, I don't. I give penis. I'm going to give it again. You're going to give it again? A lot of people think it's a leg. It's actually a penis with a fucking shoe on the end of it now.

I love great premises and I think the two deaf girls fighting is one. What do you say before the two? Would you say that they're yelling at each other or in a arguing? They're arguing with each other. Keep your name out of my hands. That's how you should also present.

See, I thought about doing it, but can I do it like keep your name? Wait, how do I how you should also present see I thought about doing it but can I do it keep your name keep your name out of my hands but then the angle also might be you weren't sure and screamed your fingers off and then the one bitch got pissed and screamed her fingers off here's the thing I know it's like beginning comments

I'll say this to everybody but you know you come up with a great premise and then you move on to the next premise i mean there's still like five or six more jokes there it seems to be like a theme here is like there's there's there's more i mean over overwrite a premise overwrite it till it's like there's five fucking pages on it and then bring it back to where you get a good you know four or five punchlines once once they're laughing because those jokes got a big laugh and then you moved on from itlines. Once they're laughing, because those jokes got a big laugh and then you moved on from it. But once they're laughing,

you have carte blanche to try a couple more tags because they're laughing. Maybe have the two girls hook up and then one girl's fingering the other girl later and she's like, don't talk with your mouth full. And what were they fighting over? What were they fighting about? Lord knows.

I don't know. No, but that's what you got to find out. I got to find out their argument. They were fighting over a guy with big hands. They were fighting over a Q. And the weird thing was they were fighting over a Q. The weird thing was they were fighting over a Q-tip. Now.

Q-tip. You see what I'm saying? I mean, boom. It's fucking. God's in the fucking details, man. You would have stopped after mine. You do the Q-tip thing, and then you'd realize you went too far. Hey, how do you know where the line is until you cross it, Kurt?

No, exactly. What I'm saying is you crossed it, we moved back. That's right. But no, I'd always overwrite a premise and then bring it back and then take all the funny out of the six pages or seven pages. I always overwrite. I would rather overwrite than underwrite, and I then take all the funny out of the six pages or seven pages. I always overwrite. I would rather overwrite than underwrite. And I see it all the time.

Guys come up with a great premise and then on to the next premise. I'm going, no, there's fucking six more jokes. Right. You stay in the pocket on the topic. You can say, I don't know how to sign, but I guess this means fuck you and everything. Yeah. See, I went too far. I suck too.

No, no, no, no. I agree. It was actually really funny. Yes, it was. I think all that stuff's part of it Guys I don't know what the fuck I could tell they were arguing Because I think this is pretty universal

In any fucking language I didn't know whether they were arguing Or just having a passionate conversation Yeah that's something that I think But it's like watching Who knows if they're fighting They could just be fast talkers And they're excited about Justin Bieber.

I guess that's true. Have you ever watched two people argue outside a restaurant? You're sitting inside a restaurant and there's two people arguing outside a restaurant. It's tough to pick out the fucking idiot because they both look like fucking idiots. Right. You know what I mean?

I just saw two lesbians get in an argument. Like, real. What were they fighting about? Which one of the deaf girls they were going to fuck? No, no, no. This is crazy. No, one chick got mad and she said something like why did you let go of my hand as soon as we got here and i looked at both chicks and i was like duh like you're the rebound so one chick was like the guy chick and then the other chick was like ultra feminine i was like dude this chick

just got dumped by a guy she's trying you out don't be so upset okay It's just legible. Yeah, and the one girl was hung like a donut. But anyway. The great Jimmy Schumer. Thank you for all of my tags. Melanie Baldonado. You pick a couple now. Where was her Twitter?

What's your Twitter handle? Melanie B Comedy. Yeah. Wow. Look at that. Jimmy's already looked you up. Jesus. Pace yourself. All right, everybody.

Your next comedian is Tom Rentman. Or Reetman. I've never been too good with names. He's here. Perfect song. There we go. I knew it, this. So anyway, just went through a divorce.

Should have seen it coming. There were signs. You know, you get home and you've got lipstick on your collar and your wife looks at it and she goes, I can get that out. And, you know, then you think there's hope. She goes, hey, why don't we have a threesome? You're like, oh, that's awesome.

Let's have a threesome. Okay. And then you get a text the next day saying, we're sorry you didn't make the top three, you're number seven alternate. And it's not from her, it's from one of the other people. She's like, dude, could you send my husband a text and let him know that he didn't make it? But anyway, it's okay because my wife is crazy. How crazy was she? How crazy was she? Come on How crazy was she? Well you guys are quick She's so crazy

That She once convinced me That For her to tie me up Before sex And then she went to Vegas for a weekend Oh It's just over the minute

It's alright It is It's only a minute, bro. Heck yeah. Time flies when you're... Did you really get divorced? We're separated. Yeah.

I always find divorce or that kind of stuff a crux point for people to start doing comedy. How long have you been doing it? The microphone. I just started. Well, you know, I like that you just started. You had an amazing amount of confidence for somebody who just started. Well, you know, I like that you just started. You had an amazing amount of confidence for somebody who just started. You came right out, and you started right into some material about your personal life, which is always a good starting point for somebody getting into this,

rather than doing jokes that have nothing to do with your personal life. Oh, thanks. Good opening joke. The second joke, I was kind of confused that. I think you just need to rewrite it a little bit better. I think I got the idea that you got a text saying,

you know, like, I don't know. Yeah, I thought of it on the way here, and there was another one. She's so crazy, and I'm blanking it, but it was actually a little funnier. And I was going to say one, and then the other,

she's so crazy, she tied me up. And I was going to say, she's so crazy for the third one. And people go, how crazy is she? And I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? You don't get it already? I just gave you two good examples.

All right, but do me a favor. Never fucking ask permission to tell a joke again. Never fucking turn – never ask the audience any questions. Just go into your fucking material. Say how crazy he was. Don't fucking ever do that again. Look, go out and fucking say what you have to fucking say. Don't ask permission to tell a joke.

Okay. Ever again. And you're just kind of starting? You want to do comedy? That's your gig? My goal is to be a – That's cheaper than therapy, Kurt. No, no, no.

I was in the high-tech world forever, and I got out of that in December. I said I got to move to L.A. I want to be a talk show host, host of a TV show in Oregon. And so I came down here to be a talk show host, and I thought, how did these guys get started? They do stand-up comedy. If I can make one suggestion, it's when you get up there, just make the stories a little longer.

Oh, really? Instead of just going for the punch, because I think you're a real smart guy, and you're engaging. Like right now, I like you more than when you were telling your joke because now I get a feel for who you are. So I would get up there and just kind of talk it out and actually

express what you're going through because I think you'll make it funny anyway. I appreciate that. And it's believable too. I thought it was real believable. I didn't think you were doing a joke when you were talking about going through a divorce. I got that you were. It feels real believable. I didn't think you were doing a joke when you were talking about going through a divorce. I got that you were. It feels real with you. And that's already, so you're already halfway there.

Because it won't be a bunch of jokes. It'll be one joke about why it didn't work out. It's like, I mean, did she tie you up once and go to Vegas? No. Yeah. But she was crazy. What did she really do that was crazy? Let's get into the real shit. No, that's... But she was crazy. I mean, what did she really do that was crazy? Let's get into the real shit.

No, she's like... He's in a Jewish bondage. He likes having his money tied up in an IRA account. You know? No, we got married too quickly, and she never told me she was bipolar. So we... No, that's true.

And it's unfortunate. I love her to death, but... She has more mood swings than the Count Basie Orchestra Is that what you're saying? I could tell you stories Yeah, I get it, bro Don't tell us stories Once upon a time

And also, one last question What's your day job? How do you make a living? I basically just quit I've been here since Quit what? I was fortunate enough to be in Silicon Valley Oh, I basically just quit and I'm down here. I've been here since – That's good, man. Quit what?

I was in the – I was fortunate enough to be in Silicon Valley and – but that was never me. Man's retired at 50. Entertainment is something I've always wanted to do. And so – So you made money and now you're coming down here to pursue your dream. I was making money but I was dying. I was like – Dying on the inside, right?

Yeah, because it wasn't me. It's like, I'd rather starve and do something I love. Feel the dreams. I'd work for food money. Let me tell you, that's the shit that you need to be talking about. Don't start off with your wife. Talk about who you are and why you're here and excited to be here.

Do a podcast. You made a lot of money. Believe me, you'll strike chords in the audience, too. If you tell those stories and you tell them real you will strike chords in your audience and they will relate to you I can tell and I noticed this as soon as you grabbed the mic I can tell you have a lot of pent up thoughts and energy

and that's why I think we both sort of like are you just starting out? I don't think it was because of the material and the fact that we don't know you and obviously you look a little bit older than the average young comic but i also think that you exude that you have some life experience and you know you have shit pent up and it doesn't matter how old you are because you're ready to just pour this shit out exactly and the truth is i'll say this don't go for the laugh and you'll get the laugh yeah wow. Wow, that's awesome. You're already a grown-ass man.

You know how you sound. You know how you talk. You hear that, ladies? That's great. Now who the fuck do I have to show my cock to get a drink around here? That's real great. Good luck with your question. There you go. It's Tom Reitman, everybody. Great. Good luck, man. And believe in yourself. Good luck. Just because your wife

didn't believe in you doesn't mean you don't have to. Is he on Twitter? At Tom Reitman? Did you purposefully not spell it? R-E-I-T-M-A-N-N. Go get in your Bentley and just fucking go get high. I loved how at one point when you said therapy

is more expensive than this, Crazy is in the back of the room and she started applauding that. Yeah, certainly is. Pretty soon Crazy is going to back of the room and she started applauding that. Yeah, certainly is. Pretty soon Crazy is going to have her own spinoff. One girl, two A-cups. Why waste all that money? Why waste all that money on therapy when you

get a tit shop? You know what I'm saying, Crazy? That's Jimmy's advice to Crazy. Crazy is going to end up marrying Tom in a week. They're going to have a Tom in a week. Yeah. He's going to go from one bipolar. They're going to have a podcast in a week. They're already talking in the back of the room. Hey, welcome to your bipolar future, motherfucker.

You just got out of one. He's going from bipolar to bipolar, coast to coast. That's right. She just grabbed his dick. And then she went for his wallet. And then she went for his wallet. And then she went for his wallet. And then she went for his wallet. Come up here and take your bottoms off.

You can do another thing. Oh my God. You have to defend my reputation. Your microphone's off. You're off. Stop it. Stop it. Crazy. Get off the stage. Crazy. Don't be crazy. Crazy. Don't act like your name.

Tom, run. Run, fucker. Crazy, don't be crazy. Crazy, don't act like your name. Tom, run. Run, fucker. Tom, run. Run for your life, Tom. Careful of that bear trap down at the bottom of the step she set. He was in Silicon Valley. I saw her tits earlier. Take her to Silicon Valley, will you?

And be careful. That bear you hear is actually her pussy growling. Listen. I've never seen a girl... Tom, if you take her to a nude beach, make sure she fucking tucks her tits in her sneakers because it's going to look like someone's following her. Now, the thing is...

Actually, you guys look good together. I think it'll work out. Tom, you've got a winner there. You've already seen her tits. Yeah. Let's just move on. Here's a new comedian It's Scott Kidd everybody Here he is

He's coming Scott Kidd is in the house How's everybody doing this holiday season? Good? Thanksgiving? Hanukkah? All that crap? Good? Yeah? Y'all have like family y'all getting together fucking much great don't care anyway i'm trying to fuck it's a holiday season fuck man dating's hard but i work well under pressure that's why fat chicks like to fuck me

why buy the cow when you got magic beans, right? Ecstasy. So I've been on OkCupid, right? I've been cast netting on plenty of fish. But OkCupid, I play this little game like, who wants to fuck me? Five stars, five stars, five stars, five stars, five stars. Hasn't been working out much.

But I did meet this one chick and I found out that I actually do have a girlfriend I found out because my box of condoms Turned into a box of tampons That's when you knew Yeah, it wasn't that great White people

Yikes Wow You just fell down after that Blank though Thank you, I was waiting for the sound Wow. He just fell down after that. Yikes. Thank you. I was waiting for the sound. Yikes.

Sorry, guys. This was one of those ones. I remember in the first five, six, seven episodes I ever did of this show, I was having a big problem. I knew three seconds in you were having trouble. Yeah. No, when I first started doing the show I was having trouble listening to the comics. Like sometimes

they would do a minute and I would just be like, fuck, to be honest with you I missed it. And lately I've gotten a lot better at that. But you just brought me full circle. Like everything went in one ear and out the other. I don't know. This is you guys. If you caught any of it. I didn't catch

any of it. But I will say don't ever laugh at your own shit yeah especially if you're the only one laughing that's that's yeah no i'm just saying like and if you're uncomfortable which you were take a breath and and just regroup man, because we've all been there. And when you do all your body shit, we're not even hearing the words. We're just watching the balloon art in front of the car dealer.

And take a fucking minute to connect with your audience. Be a real fucking human being. Look, we all want to get fucking pussy. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'll hear it. You know, it's just fucking creepy. Look, we all want to get fucking laid, all right?

Everybody fucking, you know. But take a minute to connect and talk about it in a real way. I mean, you're on a free dating website. What you fucking think was going to happen? Okay, Cupid. It's more like, okay, stupid. Right. You know, try to, you know try to you know

talk about it in a real way not in a like hey I'm just trying to fucking dump a little nut butter in your fucking sausage wallet you cunt hey how come I just lost half my audience how come I just lost half my audience I mean who the fuck are you and here's the thing you know

talk with us not at us. You came at us so aggressive. And if you're not getting laid, you should be getting laid. You're a decent-looking tall guy. Yeah, I do all right. Why don't you find... He doesn't know about love. You can put it in a restraining order.

But if you're talking about not getting laid and you're getting laid, then it's bullshit. You've got to find something that's real. Because it was obvious that it was all bullshit. You were just going for... Yeah. So just regroup. Yeah.

But don't waste our minute. Right. Yep. Goodbye. Scott Kidd. That was terrible. There you go. There you go.

Oh, Katie Manziel, everybody. Oh! That's a new name. Oh! you guys oh katie manziel everybody hey okay so uh what's up i was recently um a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding and it was such an honor and after the beautiful ceremony I'm celebrating on the dance floor and this girl comes up to me and she's like oh my god I wish I had your confidence so I just gave her my vodka

you know it's like you think I woke up this amazing I've been drinking since noon confidence takes work and if you're lucky an open bar I've been drinking since noon. Confidence takes work. And if you're lucky, an open bar. Wow.

Thank you. Loved it. That's it. Loved it. I don't know if anybody's... But did she have more time? Yeah, you have another 20 seconds if you want to do another something. You want to fucking roll, young lady.

Keep going. I'm not an alcoholic or anything. I've actually been kind of coherent lately. Even when I'm having sex, which is so crazy because usually my favorite sexual position is blacked out. Slaughter Fest. Katie Manzella.

Yeah. Solid jokes. Powerful. Solid. Themed. It was a fucking themed minute with solid fucking jokes. And I think our big reason why was because you might have been one of the only people tonight

that truly took your time. You took your time, so we're listening. We're more waiting instead of being like this. But it shows you that... We're more like, what's going to happen instead of... Because a lot of people have just been flying through stuff. And if it's slow enough, we get a feel for who you are. Even in a minute.

A minute is a long time. That's why everyone should smoke weed because it slows you down. I love how even that gets an applause break here. You are just a machine. I was thinking about this. My favorite sexual position is the one where the vagina is facing me. Let me tell you something.

I rarely masturbate, but when I do, I like to use a vagina. You were great. You got a round of applause, you were great. You got a round of applause. You were the first comedian to get a round of applause in a minute, and it was a very solid presentation. You know what?

It's true because... You shut the fuck up for a goddamn minute. Patriot, go on. Ten years ago, I was a wedding DJ. What a shocker. was a wedding DJ. What a shocker.

What a shocker. And he sold the DJ equipment to get that suit. Yeah, and she's right. The liquor does help, you know, because people are shy at first, but then by the end, Grandma's even out dancing. It's a beautiful thing. You're right about that. Now, how do you feel about what you just said?

Did you think it would go over better? What do I say to you, Jim? You're very tenacious, Jim. I didn't say anything. He was Kirk. That was Kirk. You should make your eye holes bigger in your mask, Patriot. Maybe you should put an eye on the side of your head, too. Oh, fuck, yeah.

Maybe you ought to get a second helmet for fucking you two faces. I love that you're a radio DJ, too. Every week we find out he had another job. Did you do me a favor? I did a lot of things. Just look at me and go, oil can. Just go, oil can. Hey, I want something I want to ask you, Jim.

Oil can. You grew up in a family of six brothers, and you're a middle child. What are you, stalking me, bro? Did that make you a fighter from the beginning? Because you're fighting for food, fighting for clothes. I'll fucking knock you out through that suit, Iron fucking Patriot. I'll punch you in that fucking plastic helmet and drop you like a fucking bad habit. Now, who the fuck do I get to fuck to get a cocktail around here?

We have another vodka rocks. And another Hinchcliffe, please. No, I'm just kidding. I like the Iron Patriot. I really do. Two of those. Two crown of cokes and a vodka rocks. There you go. Anyway. Katie, you Iron Patriot. I really do. Two of those. Two Crown and Cokes and a vodka rocks. There you go.

Anyway. Katie, how long have you been doing comedy? You did a great job. High five. Up top. Katie, how long have you been doing comedy? Because I know you from other shows that we do on Desk Call, like the Ding Dong Show and stuff like that, and you have that show with Classy Lauren.

Yeah. Is it once a month? Once a week? Once a month, we have a show at Echoes Under Sunset. I've been doing comedy for three years. You did that with Ryan Singer? Huh? You did that with Ryan Singer?

Oh, I love Ryan Singer. Yeah, he runs that show over there. No, it's not his show. It's my show. But he's been on my show because I adore him. How come I haven't been on here? I don't even know who you are. Now, do you work at NASA also,

or is it just a hat? Yeah, I mean, like, not officially, but I work for space. There's no reason why you couldn't have been an astronaut. I was asking a serious question. I love it. Anyway, fantastic job. Katie Manziel, everybody. It's Katie Manziel on Twitter.

Nice. I actually did a show with the person that she does a show with, Classy Lauren Brenner. I did a show a couple weeks with her at a hash bar in the Valley that was a lot of fun. And she was killing it too. It's amazing to see the growth in those two after three years. They've been doing those spots every week for a few years. Yeah, they don't have to rub it in.

Really incredible. They should back it up a little. I love it. Like they've been doing those spots like every week for a few years. Yeah, they don't have to rub it in. Really incredible. They should back it up a little. I love it. Applause breaks at 30 seconds, 40 seconds. That's too many. Then you don't know if they're just applauding something else. You know, another thing about being able to do a minute and be already into applause break is if you're doing a five-minute set and you can do something like that in the first minute, the rest is... Yeah, I didn't like

her success. 50 to 60. Yeah, she could have pulled back at the 25 second mark and let us know that she's human. I love it. Well, every week we have two regular girls that come on and do a minute, a new

minute every single week. This week will be no different. In no particular order, going first this week, put your hands together for us. She dropped out of college and started here at Kill Tony 28 weeks ago. She dropped out of college to pursue her dreams of being a comedian. She is Kimberly Congdon, everybody. There she is. Yeah.

What's up, guys? So I've been having a few issues. My roommate started dating this guy a while back, right? And they started doing this really cute thing where they have really loud sex on weeknights. It's adorable. It's fine. And at first I ignored it and after a while I knocked on her door and I was like,

hey, can you keep it down? I have to work in the morning. Then I started thinking, it does a lot of good for me, right? I never forget who I'm praying to. Sometimes I'm like, dear... Oh, God! Oh, yeah, it was God.

Yeah, perfect. Dear dear god you know and that helps me out a lot in life too and sometimes i'm sitting there and i'm listening to her moan and i'm like this is kind of like a lullaby right now i can't sleep without it i can't the other night i told her not calm it down right and she did and it was quiet and now i'm knocking at her door like hey can you please fuck i have to work in the morning and i can't sleep at all i'd get to the end part quicker if you're going to take this route i would get to the end part quicker. If you're going to take this route, I would get to that second part quicker of now not being able to sleep.

Your neighbors were having sex a lot. I would lose the oh God part. I'd move straight into, but now you needed his therapy. And I would tackle... And I'd go back to college. No, I'm just kidding. I was fucking joking.

Come on, man. I've been fucking busting everybody's balls. I miss it. You ever masturbate while they're fucking? Oh, no. I mean, probably at the same time. Why not? Why the fuck not?

I would be. I'd be fucking to pump a load of fucking nut butter into a tissue of love. Nut butter. Double nut butter references tonight for Jimmy. One was in a sausage wallet and one was in a packet of tissues. I'm sorry. Let's fucking change it up. Let me say toddler juice.

A little toddler juice into a tissue of love. Toddler juice? Yeah. So you never did? You never touched yourself in an inappropriate way? No, no. I totally do. But not to them.

Yeah, Tony's totally right. That's not my thing. What is your thing? I liked lesbian porn. Okay, go on. Maybe you want to hook your neighbor up. No, but I was going to say that could be an opener. Okay.

Just like, because you're adorable. But if you came out and just you know said I like lesbian porn yeah and then get into it tell us what yeah tell us what you like about it it's confusing

because I like lesbian porn but I don't I don't like like hooking up with girls or anything I tried it once well you know it's the wrong girl

first off I find it offensive I find it offensive because I'm a lesbian now but if you're going to do that joke just say you know I can't sleep

unless my neighbors are having sex. And then get to the jokes. Yeah. Instead of counting sheep, I count orgasms. But the truth is, I think that what you think... That's a good joke. But listen, I think what you think is your punchline is your

setup. Okay. So everything that you think is your punchline... your setup. So everything that you think is your punchline, that's your setup. And then start tagging that shit. Because you're funny, it's great stuff. But I think you just need to flip it. Are you dyslexic?

No. You might want to check into it. Okay. Yeah, you started off very laughy-taffy. I mean, that joke was like, oh, God, did you just say that? That's unbelievable that you're praying and you don't remember who to pray to.

Who does that? No one's going to do that. That's Laffy Taffy. That's like, all right, now we're supposed to play stupid. But the rest of it, I understand what you're saying. And that could be good, but again, you just have to write it out and make it real. The lesbian porn, I guarantee you

there's a lot there. Do you hang out with a lot of women or a lot of your friends' girls or a lot of your friends' guys? A lot of my friends were girls until I started doing comedy.

Now they're all guys. Now they're no longer girls? You make people get sex changes? I was in college so I had a lot of female friends and then I moved

and I started doing stand-up and now I have a lot of male friends. Yeah, and she's getting fucking late every night and you're sitting there and you're not getting any. That's what you're really upset about, isn stand-up and now I have a lot of male friends. Yeah, and she's getting fucking late every night and you're sitting there and you're not getting any. That's what you're really upset about, isn't it?

Right now I'm more concerned about her sex life than mine. If someone was knocking the bottom out of it, you wouldn't be upset about it, but she's over there getting late every fucking night and you're trying to get to sleep. Right. I don't know. I like it.

You're right. I agree. There's got to be a little anger. I'd lose that beginning part, lose that stuff, and start to tackle some of that stuff. The real stuff. Take your punchlines and use them as setups. You'll rock and roll. If you're not a lesbian, don't get off

on lesbian porn. It confuses everybody. You're wasting it for us. We can't have you being a lesbian. First off, every fucking guy knows. Every woman knows a guy with a 7-inch tongue will run a guy with a 10-inch dick out of town all day long. And then there's a few of us who have both.

That's right. Some of us are products of superior genetic breeding. Kimberly Congdon. I didn't ask for these gifts. Kimberly Congdon. We all have our superpowers. We all have our superpowers. Twitter.

Next! Her name on Twitter is? Kimberly Congdon with a superpower. Twitter. Next. Her name on Twitter is? Kimberly Congdon with a C. C-O-N-G-D-O-N. We're done picking names, Jimmy. I love your energy. You're so funny. I'm just, I'm fucking into it, bro.

I know. All right, we got it. We have one other regular that goes on right now. You know her, you love her. Here she is, Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Oh, I am glad to say I've been going

to a lot of bridal showers. Not a fan of bridal showers. For those of you who have not been to a bridal shower, what happens is one soon-to-be bride just sits there while everyone eats quiche, all females, just eating quiche, watching this one soon-to-be bride just sits there while everyone eats quiche, all females just eating quiche, watching this one soon-to-be bride unwrap tons of kitchen appliances, right?

And you're supposed to sit there and enjoy this shit. I walk into my kitchen, I see the toaster, and I get overwhelmed and I walk out, right? I see my microwave and I'm like, that's the only thing I know how to fucking use. And here's this bitch opening up food processors, opening up crock pots, opening up monogrammed cloth napkins. I have disposable napkins. I don't even think I'll ever own cloth monogrammed napkins.

Right? This bitch. You have a great problem, and that problem is shown by when you said right, the laugh that you got. And that great problem to have is that you have the stakes raised and you have everything set up perfectly that everybody is now waiting on this shit that this next part pretty much comes easy if you sit down and you actually say why you won't have your

monogram on a napkin and why the toaster freaks you out. You're already saying the right things. You're just not explaining why. She's open and getting ready to spend the rest of her life with a guy. I go and I get overwhelmed with a fucking toaster. I have a disposable boyfriend or something. There's something there.

No, there is. Sir, I'll tell you... I'm not married to it. I'll tell you... I'm not married to it. I'll tell you... I took a shot. But sir, if you come out that... I thought it would be much funnier than that. Sorry, go on. I was going to say, are you this angry?

Yeah. Okay. Do you watch lesbian porn as well? No, but what I'm going to say is ramp up a little instead of coming out so angry gradually build on it

we'll believe you work up to it they will believe you and they will get it the fact that you're remembering this bridal shower it's like yeah I went to a bridal shower it was cool actually it wasn't cool it was shit and then just each The fact that you're remembering this bridal shower, it's like, yeah, I went to a bridal shower. It was cool. Actually, it wasn't cool. It was shit.

It was shit. Have the realization. Yeah, because then it's real. We want to go on the ride with you. If you just come out fucking raging, we don't even know what got you to the rage. Do you want to get married someday? Any of that shit? I just don't want to open food appliances in front of my dad. That wasn't the question.

That wasn't the question. That was not the question, young lady. But work up to that. Why don't you want to? That's the question. What is it about opening this shit that drives you bonkers? Think about something in your life that you hate opening or someone made you

open shit. Or your own personal you said you have disposable plates and stuff. I have forks that melt when I put my fork into the food. I just didn't know how to pace it. That's great, actually. You're right, because you could say,

I have a pot that I boil stuff in, and if I put my fork in it, it melts like that. You're talking about five or six things, so I think the ramp-up would be hilarious. Yeah, you're intimidated by a toaster. I just bought a cookbook. I can't use it.

Every recipe starts with take a clean pan. And another thing that – and I love Kirk's notes so much because the truth is, is yeah, that is her comic voice and it's so true. If we watch you go from regular to that instead of just at that, it seems like you're doing more of a character but we know it's you because we see you every week. The way you're listening right

now, the way you feel right this minute, that's how you should start the joke. And then build up. In real life, what would this minute, that's how you should start the joke. And then build up. Of course. In real life, what would happen? If you're talking to somebody and then as you talk to them, they're pissing you off.

You feel it building in you. We want to see it build also. It's a night and day difference. You'll see it change immediately. Make a real connection with the audience because once they get on your side, you can take them anywhere. Because you're likable. We want to like you. Show us the switch.

We wanted the sweet side first. Yeah, show us the switch and then answer why to all those things that you tell us. You give us the wheres, the whats. You're the whys away from destroying. Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Princess Shank. And we'd like to apologize to all these people. What do you guys got coming up? You're on

Stars. You have a special. You have a special coming up. I just filmed David Tell's new stand-up show. Oh, that's right. And the Stars thing is called Stand Up. That's going to be on Wednesday, this Wednesday at 10.30 on Stars Black.

He's on Twitter at Jimmy Schubert. S-H-U-B-E-R-T. Just like the theater. The killer, Kirk Fox. Good to be here. Thank you. Great hanging with you, Kirk. Watch his show, The Test.

Yeah, I have a show. It's on TV every day for an hour. The host of the TV show every single day. Is that CBS? CBS. Switch the letters of a TV show every single day. Is that CBS? CBS. Switch the letters around a little. It's syndicated. If you haven't seen it, you can watch it.

The Iron Patriot is on Twitter at Comic Patriot. He basically runs everything social media around Kill Tony. Check out his Easter eggs that he drops on everything. He's in the background of almost every major TV show that's out right now. Did we finish? Did we not do them all? That's it, baby.

No, we don't do them all. We just get through as many as we can in the time frame. Shit, I was going to finish. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. Follow me on Twitter. Go to my website. Buy my t-shirts. See me on tour. Wait, if this is the end, I am on Twitter, at Kirk Fox. Yeah, you can follow me at Jimmy Schubert and also

JimmySchubert.com. This is my can follow me at Jimmy Schubert. And also JimmySchubert.com. Yeah. This is my very hilarious podcast, Jimmy Schubert Show. Kirk Fox. Kirk Fox is an amazing tweeter, by the way. You are. He gets more favorites to me than anybody. Well, I have my moments.

You're the tweetest. A lot of them I steal from your guests. Kirk, you're the tweetest. Patriot, you're a fucking machine. Brian Redman. Patriot, you are a machine. Literally. Look for the Death Squad Texas tour going on sale very soon.

It's next month, January. So keep an eye out for that. Just go to DeathSquad.TV. And subscribe to Kill Tony on iTunes. Just subscribe to Death Squad. Peace. Fuck yeah. Outro Music