KILL TONY - KILL TONY #280

Episode Date: August 1, 2018

Big Jay Oakerson, Jimmy Carr, Josh Martin, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 07/25/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you can find everything, including past episodes or click on tour dates. We're always at the Comedy Store every Monday at eight o'clock in the main room, but we're on the road. We're going on tour right now. We're going to be in Cleveland, Cincinnati, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Nashville, Lansing, Michigan, Grand Rapids, Michigan, and Detroit, Michigan, Toronto, and a bunch of dates.

Just go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every single episode. Check out his website, RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, get the Kill Tony shirt at ShopSquad.tv.

We have the Kill Tony shirts. We also have Death Squad merch. And that's ShopSquad.tv. Now, this episode is from Just For Laughs. They were supposed to record this episode and they forgot to. And so this is a backup recording. It's not the best. I fixed it up as good as I could.

Unfortunately, this was not my fault. So I'm sorry. It's not as bad as it could be, though. So here's a new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from Montreal for the 2008 Just For a Last Comedy Festival for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Colin. Hey, what's up, everybody?

Here we are live from Montreal for the first ever Kill Tony JFO. You guys excited or what? Yeah! Brian Redman's here. This place sounds like it's packed with the gullets, but I guess, according to the staff here, hundreds of people are still getting drinks.

That's what I was told before the show. That's a kill Tony crew for you. So we're at half capacity right now, for those of you listening to the podcast, because there's so many people still getting drinks. We have a bucket here with about 15 people's names in it. Who would have thought? You would have told me we're coming to the biggest comedy festival in the world. I would have said probably more sign-ups than ever. But 15 souls are in this bucket.

Came all the way here, this big giant production for what appears to be our smallest show ever. Big 400 seat venue, just quarter-packed. It's pretty exciting. But this is what we do, we roll through things. The great and powerful Brian Redman is here sitting on his own. Came on here on one way. This is the goddamn Nancy Kerrigan of comedy. Busted his knee last week in New York City at Skank Festival. Here he is hobbling around Montreal all week. I'm excited about it though. We're having fun. He's strengthened all the pain away. Yes. I'm excited about things. Excited to be back here, our first time here in Montreal. And let's get this thing started, shall we? You guys know how it works. You

guys are fans of the show, I'm guessing, right? Well, I'm excited about, very excited about this episode specifically for many reasons, but also because every single show we always give you two of the funniest comedians in the world. This week is no different. Make some noise for Big Jay Ogerson and Jimmy Carr! Wow, what? Jimmy Carr and Big Jay Oakerson? Get the fuck outta here! Who are you? The most famous group of people I've ever seen in my goddamn life.

Where's Big Jay? Where's Jimmy Carr in the flesh? This place isn't even sold out in capacity. Bunch of spoiled people here in this half-dome. Well, this is almost like being in show business. It's so nice of Junie to grace us. He does a lot of big shows here, and tonight he's doing this. Yes, it is good of me. Big Jay Oakerson is in the motherfucking house, ladies and gentlemen. He did one last week, live from Skankfest.

One of the other great festivals in the world. I don't think I'm allowed to legally say it's my favorite festival while I'm here, but this is... There's no officials listening to this right now. I think you're under're understanding yourself, buddy. I think we have six ace of this room full. So they're starting to stumble in. They told me hundreds of people were still

getting drinks at the bar. I think they told me that to help my confidence. There's hundreds and hundreds and hundreds, thousands of people still getting drinks, Tony. Start the show. They're going stop all in. Sure, sure. You have a great time. Yeah.

This isn't the show, probably, though, to have the see-through names bowl, right? This is our first time having a crystal clear bowl. The smallest amount of names we've ever had for any show since episode one. I mean, this is a throwback episode. So many people. I'm excited, though, because this probably means that it's not a lot of, you know, extremely established comedians. Hopefully there's maybe a couple people out there that signed up.

Maybe it's going to be their first time tonight. We have double stairways. So wherever you are, you know, and the place is half-packed, so you're not going gonna trip over anything. So just make your way down after we call your name. And I think there's only one more thing to do. We have a band, believe it or not. Seems like the bands on this show really like the band.

I like them a lot too. I call them the best damn band in the land. We couldn't bring the whole thing out with us, but I'm pretty sure you're going to be excited about who came. Ladies and gentlemen, every single week he commits to different characters. I never know what he's going to do. He went to the green room and locked himself in pretty early tonight. So let's see what it is. It is the leader of the Kill Tony band, the best damn band in the land. It is Jeremiah Watson, everybody.

Here we go. Oh! We've seen this guy before. He has broken out of Christmas. I cannot believe Shanks is here, ladies and gentlemen. Shanks is in the building, bitch. Shanks, for those of you that might not know, is one of our favorite characters. He's always recently just broke out of prison.

And he is here. How did you legally get to Montreal? Yo, man, I started digging weeks ago. He shawshanked his way into the house. Yo, I lost my shoes, cuz. And the great vocal Josh Martin's here with a saxophone and a bag of goodies. Who knows what's gonna happen here. This is Josh Martin's first ever JFL. Make some noise for Josh. Alright, we got Shanks. I some noise for Josh. All right.

We got chance. I'm excited about this. Jimmy, what do you think about this guy? You ever been near an ex-con? I think I can't be alone in being confused by the whole concept. So he's an ex-con that plays the saxophone. Yeah, man. Go ahead and eat your tea and trumpets, bitch. Tea and trumpets?

Yeah, that's what the expression is, right? Tea and trumpets, bitch. Tea and trumpets? Yeah, that's what the expression is, right? Tea and trumpets. Alright, you guys ready to start this thing? All the pieces are in place. I have a bucket absolutely filled to the shallow bottom brim with names.

I can pull out a name and when I pull out your name you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You can lie to your friends and say you were a performer at JFL in Montreal. You get 60 seconds and you know your 60 seconds is up in here. The sound of a kitten.

The sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. He made it all the way from America as well. You guys ready to start this thing or what? It's the first ever Kill Tony live in Montreal. And getting us started, doing 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes to Vance Michael. Vance, Vance, Vance, Vance, Vance, here he comes. Vance, everybody. Is it on? Okay, cool. Okay, hey everybody, how y'all doing?

It's not a surprise that I'm black. And I wanna tell you, since we getting intimate, in a room full of people, I'm gonna tell you what's my favorite thing about being black. You guys wanna know? Of course, of course, of course to tell you what's my favorite thing about being black. You guys want to know? Of course, of course, of course. So, one of my favorite things about being black is sometimes when it's dark in some places, like back there in this room, or when it's nighttime outside, I can pull my dick

out and no one would know. It's like I could take a piss right there, right near your feet, and you wouldn't even know. I could take a piss, like back there in that dark corner. No one would freaking know. It's like I'm the invisible man, but I have an invisible dick. Hey, this looks like I still got some time. Hey, you know what? I'm 37, you know what I'm saying? I'm getting old, you know what I'm saying?

I'm feeling it in my knees, you know? So when I fall down, I don't get back up as fast as I used to. And when I go to the bathroom... Go ahead, go ahead. I want to hear it. When you go to the bathroom, what? Yeah, momentum. Okay, when I go to the bathroom, right? I go to the bathroom and I take a piss, right? And I finish peeing, and I put my dick back in my pants.

I'm still taking a piss. It's like I got... Alright, alright, alright, alright. The bear's getting mad at us. What's going on? Tell's going on? Hell yeah. I met Tom. What did I do? Straight version of Joyce and Tom. I met Tom. You thought that joke was gonna go different. Alright, Vance,

let's just jump into it. First of all, we know when you pull your dick out. It's just no one wants to call the police or anything on you. We know when a black guy pulls his dick out. We can all feel the heat in the room change. I feel like if anyone here has an invisible dick

it would be me. I mean, the cliche is not you have an inconspicuous penis. I also very much like the opening of your set when you went, my favorite thing about being a black guy would you like to know? And then you genuinely waited for a response. I'm very interested to know what would have happened if you'd gone no as an audience. But you were fine, tell us something else. I thought it was interesting how many times you

said it's what I love about being black. You know what's great about being black? You know what's great about being black? Who wants to know what's great about being black? You know what's great about being black? Who wants to know what's great about being black? And you acknowledged it and he went, here's what's great about being black. Yeah, that's premise heavy. Indeed. Vance, how long have you been on stand-up? Into the mic. And it's on. Okay. I'm guessing not saying that into the mic suggests no. Yeah, it's almost two years right now. Two years. You do it a lot? Yeah I've been uh I do it almost every day like two times a day if I can. As much as I can I love this fight. I just love entertaining people. I love making people laugh. I just love that.

Heck yeah and how old are you? Me I'm 30. I just turned 37 last week. 37 shanks? Yeah, fresh meat. You ever been around somebody like shanks before? You ever gotten in trouble with the law? The orange jumpsuit is something familiar. Tell us more. Pulled your dick out and took a piss on the front row once? Nah, it's Catch Me If You Can. You ever seen that movie? Yeah, of course. You stole a copy of that movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish I saw that movie before, but that's what happened. So, that's what happened?

Yeah. Have you seen Catch Me If You Can? That's what happened. Yeah, yeah. That is a remarkable story. I'm gonna let Spielberg tell my story for me. That's a lazy storytelling right there. I need you to put the pieces together, because we want my... So you saw Catch Me If You Can, you're at the theatre, perhaps you talked too much during the movie? Is that what happened?

White's went out, you pulled out your dick, thought it was invisible. Man, I sold a lot of weed. That's what happened. Oh, okay. Do you still sell weed? I need some. I just got here yesterday. Oh, yeah. Just kidding. I don't need it. I already got it. So that's what you got in trouble for? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's a prison in Montreal like? Is it very hospitable and polite?

Well, it wasn't here in Montreal. It's from the CIS-AIDs. The states, my friend. The CIS-AIDs? Yeah. What? This guy got swag. You already know, man. What state were you in when you got in trouble? New York, man. Are you a cop?

Yeah, man. what are you? Yeah, talk to your man. That's the question. Yeah, no. Your dimple's cute as hell. No, I can't arrest you twice, but I am a cop. You are. I'm the world's weirdest

undercover cop. The podcast is just disguised to make double jeopardy weed bus. undercover cop. The podcast is just disguised to make Double Jeopardy Weebuss. That's fun. Vance, what do you do for a living? I do this, man. You do stand-up for a living. And your opening line was, is this microphone on? Is that your pitch phrase? Is that your get or done? I do this and I'm actually trying to start a little podcast like you guys. Here? Yeah. Called Comedy 911.

Yo, I'm looking for a podcast partner, so this is perfect, man. You want to talk about this show? Yeah, man. I love it, man. Well, I mean, how do you make a living, though? How do you make money? Oh, right. Oh, the day job is I'm a cook.

Your boy do know how to, you know, work his way in the kitchen. You said cook? Yeah, yeah. What are you cooking? I'm a cooking professional. I cook everything, you know? Can I ask what you're cooking?

Is it dick out, dick in? Dick is in. Dick is in. Dick is in. Okay, dick is in. Dick is in, dick is in. How would we know? We can't say that.

Well, how would we know? We can't say that. Oh, I've said it on record before. What's your love life like? Do you ever just pull out your dick when you're with a girl and say, Well, that was the old times. That was the old times. Nowadays you can't do that. Nowadays you can't do that. When you say the old times, you mean about a month ago? Telling me Harvey Weinstein ruined that for you? I don't know. I mean, you know, it's a success. Did he have taken and produced Catch Me If You Can? Is that what he was getting at? Has he been Catch Me If You Can?

Well, it's like that. So, hang on, I'm just remembering Catch Me If You Can. You pretended to be an airline pilot and stole a plane. Hmm. Almost did. You almost did, Jimmy. What was it? What's close to that? Stole a riding mower?

Go on, what happened? Well, you know, he catched me if he can. He was catching fake chats. That's what he was doing. Oh! Oh, you mean the bit that no one remembers from that movie? Because much more exciting stuff happened after that. Yes, I remember that.

I thought you saw a couple of Rubik's Cubes in your life. That thing was about bad checks? There was one time I went to a cash for gold, Monopoly money, they didn't give me anything. All right, Vance, we're going to keep moving along. You got pulled out first. Yep. You performed here at Montreal Just for Laughs on Kill Tony.

You just did it. There you go. Vance Michael. He's on Twitter. It's Peter Blades. Hell yeah. There he goes. Microphone is still on for those of you who might be pulled out next.

It doesn't shut off between people. It's still going to be on, I promise. Just trust the system. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Matt Melanson. Melanson, here he comes. Hell yeah. Fuck yeah!

There's two things I like, and that's weed and AI robots. I fantasize deeply the day when an AI robot, she gets on her knees and starts sucking me off. Woo! And then I'm gonna give her a little bit of weed. We're going to have a nice little party. But can you imagine what she's sucking you off? Malfunction. She's locked on your dick like a Chinese finger lock.

What the fuck do you do? Do you call Google? Or do you go to the fucking hospital and drag that fucking AI robot? But you know what? What scares me a little bit more, got me a little bit more paranoid, when I smoked some weed, I was thinking about it, I was like, man, if I give her some weed, she's going to learn, right? So what happens if this bitch starts growing a fucking dick, and she makes me suck her cock over like this. Oh! I mean, I'm assuming that's her position, right? Fuck yeah!

Thank you. Wow. Matt Mellon. Starting the set and closing it with a genuine fuck yeah. And I'm pretty sure you ruined Matt for me. I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to point Pomp and say those two words again without picturing you sucking an invisible dick, which somehow was a callback to Vance and Michelle's joke. Hell yeah, you really blew an invisible robot there for a second. And you also mined out blowing an invisible robot.

Yeah, can you do that again? You didn't actually have to do it, Matt. Dude, how does dude look like a baby gap model on a limo driver at the same time? I also at times suspend disbelief on the concept that this fake robot you're gonna have suck your dick and then in turn suck its dick was somehow affected by giving it weed? Yes, now that you point that out, that is the one problem with this set. It was otherwise perfect. Otherwise. My USB drive's not working. Have you tried blowing weed into it?

I'm like, well, this lady, what's got a dick? No matter. Give it some weed, it'll learn. Just sucking each other off anyway. So Matt, you said the two things in this world that you love are weed and AI robots, right? Yes. Do you have an AI robot at home? Not yet. But... When you look at the Chinese version, do you see that girl?

No. When you say... Sorry, can I just pick you up on a small detail here? You see that girl? No. When you say... When you say... I know you're there. Sorry, can I just pick you up on a small detail here? There's AI, artificial intelligence. Yes. A pretty scary sort of concept. And there's also sex dolls.

And I think what you're talking about is a sex doll. I want both. I want an AI sex doll. Can you imagine that shit? How could you know exactly what? You put in your, you know, your Facebook password. Oh, you're a little creepy like this, that. What is going on? She'll know exactly what you put in your Facebook password. You're a little creepy like this, Dad.

What is going on? Oh, you're going to make this guy super Canadian? This must be what all Canadian guys are like. I need a robot, mate. All right. That's what I make Canadians sound like. Yes, every Canadian guy in the room just was like this. It's Australian, you son of a bitch!

Alright. People often ask how much weed is too much weed. And I would say, that much weed. Yes, absolutely. And I love smoking weed. To think that you're gonna get high with a fucking robot. I mean, that's a whole other level, Matt. How many times have you done stand-up comedy? I've been doing it for seven months now.

Seven months. Hell yeah. Maybe like the first seven months is the hardest. Have you ever, genuinely, and this is just a man-to-man question, let's not pretend we're on podcast now, let's just talk about two guys. Have you ever fucked a flesh one? No. What's the weirdest thing you've ever fucked? That's it.

Nothing. Nothing? Come on, you're Canadian, there must be something. You ever pour a little maple syrup on your hand and just fucking stroke it with a sweet, sweet syrup? That's okie dokie. You ever slam your dick in a laptop and just fucking scrub it with a sweet sweet syrup? That's pretty dope. Did you ever slam your dick in a laptop and just see what happens? Shanks, how about you? What do you think? Hey, do you wanna have sex with a fleshlight? You got one? Yeah, I named my butthole fleshlight.

I named my butthole fleshlight. Matt, what do you do for a living? I think he's in Peaky Blinders. He can get a little bit of my Peaky Blinders. Right now, I'm not working. I do a little bit of podcasting. I manage a fighter, but it's not really, you know, a lot of money. I used to own three medical marijuana dispensaries in New Brunswick. So I sold those in October.

And now I'm living off that money. Wow. So you have a little bit of savings. Yeah. You manage a fighter. Is that a mixed martial artist or a boxer? Mixed martial artist. Uh-huh.

For TKO. TKO. Oh, yeah. What's his record? He's 1-0 right now. Are you a martial artist or a boxer? Mixed martial artist. Uh-huh. For TKO. TKO. Oh yeah. What's his record? He's 1-0 right now. It's very promising stuff. 6'5", 240 pounds, I think he's going to be going against Jon Jones in maybe like four

years after his suspension. Wow, you're training four years ahead. That's pretty good. How hard was the guy hitting the head before he signed you up as his manager? He signed me before we did stand-up. Wow, there you go. There you go. That does not answer my question. Man, so you really want to train a robot to, you know, have sex with it and be able to do like chores and stuff around the house?

Have you ever thought about just being polite to women? Are you mad at women? Damn! No, I don't think so. What's the last date you went on? When was that? Uh, January. January? Yep.

Uh huh. What'd you do? Where'd you meet the girl? At my dispensary. At your dispensary? The one that you sold in October? Yeah. You get out less than I do. So in October you're like, hey, what's up? You want to hang out in January? Yeah.

You know what I'm doing. Hell yeah. And then it worked out. And then where'd you take her? I took her here a couple times. Toronto a couple times. Where do you meet her? In the office.

Oh, okay. So you meet her in the office. Yeah. And then you go to the office. Yeah. And then you go to the office. Yeah. And then you go to the office. Yeah. Hell yeah, and then it worked out, and then where'd you take her? I took her here a couple times, Toronto a couple times. Where do you live? I live in Montreal now.

You live in Montreal, and you brought her here? Yeah, I'm from New Brunswick, Montana, and I moved here in February. Yeah, I can tell you're from New Brunswick by your accent. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. So, like, on this date where you took her to Montreal, where'd you take her? Did you take her to a bar? Did you have some drinks? What'd you do?

All around town. Just walking around? She must have been fucking exhausted. Just walked her like a gigantic dog, huh? Is this what you're going to do with your AI robot? You regaled her with stories of a fighter who's gonna beat John Jones in four years in your dream. I'd bring it back to my place, but there's computer parts everywhere and I've tried. I keep making really dumb suck dick robots. She's like, I think I'm missing

one thing. Now, do you like performing oral sex on women when you have the chance? Have you ever had the chance to do that? Because you're going to lose that part when you hook up with a robot. They're not going to be able to have an actual vagina. I think they will. Oh my god, look at you. Standing up while you put on some creepo red.

You got to perform oral. But you wouldn't get the satisfaction of making it come. standing up while you put on some creepo red, and I'm like, oh, you got moral, uh, yeah. But you wouldn't get the satisfaction of making it cum. Eh, yeah, probably. No. It probably tastes better, there's probably a lot of good things about it. Okay, Brian. I'm on his side. I bet you are. You're both gonna be fucking each other in a few years. You're gonna be chug-chug.

I'm gonna be foil. A robot! Hey! Alright. Well, Matt, anything else about you? Any other fun facts? If the book of Matt Melanson came out, what would be a chapter in which we'd be like, oh that's interesting, I can't believe Matt knows how to do that. Anything that

you're into? Any hobbies or anything like that? Just MMA. Right now, yeah yeah just strictly mma i think i can take this question he likes uh he likes weaving yeah that was nice is We need to come hook your dick away, boss. We can't see it anywhere. We can see it. Alright, Matt. Well, it was nice to meet you. You got up on the show.

Good luck with your fighters fight in four years and your next date, almost assuredly, for December. And everything else you got going on. Matt Melanson, ladies and gentlemen. There you go. Hey, what the hell is this guy? How y'all doing? Oh, we remember this character. This is, what do they call him, Westworld guy? Yeah, my show got canceled. So you're a cowboy

basically from the future. I'm a robot cowboy. Oh, wow. That's very fitting. It's a shame you... Oh, there we go. That was the Westworld theme. If you didn't believe that he was a Westworld character, I've got a little bit of music for you. You guys get the show.

You ready to keep it moving? Let's do it. We are now joined by Westworld Cowboy. It's an exciting episode, getting to see a few characters from Jeremiah. I'm sorry, why are you in front of Westworld Cowboy? Then he might get caught playing the 7-10-0. We don't do that around my part. Women shanks have very different mentalities, it seems. I pulled another name out of the bucket, put your hands together for Peter K. Hey guys.

Hey, okay, so I'll just go over it. So, I'm single now, and I'll just go over it. So, I'm single now, and I haven't had a date in a while, so I decided to get my prostate examined, and it turns out, I'm a premature ejaculator. Yeah, so I wanted to buy a washing machine for my mom, but then I realized I wouldn't need a mom anymore. I'm just joking. You can't fuck your dishwasher. Mom needs to know he's clean.

I remember one time actually story with my mom. Actual story with my mom this time. I was around nine years old, I was walking around with her, and I saw this weird looking rock. And I picked it up and I was like, Mom, this is a weird looking rock. And she said, Petey, that would be a weird looking rock if it was induction. Don't worry. I got it back. I didn't go to her funeral. Okay, last joke real quick. So I was at a party last Friday... Okay. Sorry about that.

Okay. Sorry about that. Westworld cowboy. How long have you been squirting your demons early? I don't know. You went way over 60 seconds this time. I'm sorry, I didn't even...

Hey, you're not premature to stand up. I must say, I rather like this guy. I kind of think you went on a bit too long there. I thought the joke was just I haven't had a day in a while I must say I rather like this guy. Yeah. Do you, do you, though? I kind of think you went on a bit too long there. I thought the joke was just, I haven't had a day in a while, so I wanted to get my prostate checked. That should have been the punchline.

I try. You kept talking. Yeah, I'm sorry. You get a little... Yeah, and then I think you got a bit confused on the next joke, because you said you wanted to buy your mum a washing machine. Yeah. That didn't make any sense at all. Well, if you wanted to buy yourself a washing machine, but then you wouldn't need your mother anymore,

that would have at least made sense as a premise for a show. This is constructive criticism. No, no, no, I appreciate it. Sort of adorable. And when you laughed halfway through, nervously, manically, you know, that kind of laugh you might hear from a murderer. To be honest, I don you might hear from a murderer. I thought this guy was the guy who killed and kept us drop.

No, what was it? It was very funny. It was a lovely kind of nervous, weird energy on stage. I think you need an edit, but I don't know. That's true. And you came up with a piece of paper. What's on the paper? It was the jokes in case I just couldn't remember anything. I don't mind. We'll probably not forget those. I think just for you, you seem adorable. Now what was your name again? It was Peter Kay. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Now I'm not sure if you're aware, but there's a British comic called Peter Kay, who is the biggest comic in the UK. No, I don't know anything about that. Peter Kay. Over the Bond, you know. Over the Bond. I'm sorry, yeah, exactly. I have no idea who the fuck you are. Are you dancing right now?

Have you ever made it through airport security? I know, I look suspicious. I feel like I want to flag you now. I feel like I want to flag you now. I feel like I want to flag you now. I feel like I want to flag you now. I feel like I want to flag you now. I feel like I want to flag you now.

I feel like I want to flag you now. I feel like I want to flag you now. I feel like I want to flag you now. I feel like I want to flag you now. I feel like I want to flag you now. I feel like I want to if you ever made it through airport security, I'm a little suspicious. I feel like I want to flag you now. And I don't want my nerves. It's my nerves, guys. Well, just relax. Have you ever tried weed? Maybe weed or fucking a robot.

How long have you been doing comedy? So, six months. Six months? Yeah. Maybe weed or fucking a robot. That might help with the anxiety. How long have you been doing comedy? So, six months. Six months? Yeah. Wow. You do it often? No. No. So how many times do you think you've been on stage?

Well, I mean, like, less than thirty or forty times in the past six months. Okay. So it's not too late to change your stage name from Peter Kay. Yeah. Something to think about it. Because it's a really big comedian. Is your mother, is she dead? No, she's not dead. Oh.

No. It's just because at some point she's going to have to see this. No, no. My father died in the back of a wagon on a sunny Sunday afternoon. I was four. Peter, you would answer? Your legs haven't stopped moving since I got nervous. I got nervous, yes. So did we, Ken. That's the answer. Peter, what do you do for a living? Yeah, so I'm unemployed and I used to be a waiter though Yeah, where were you waiting to?

Dundee's on Crescent Dundee's on Crescent Were you a nervous waiter too? No, standing in tables Wibbly wobbly I don't know What can I get for you? What do you want?

Maybe something? I don't know How long have you been employed? I don't know how you feel. Maybe something, I don't know. How long have you been unemployed? Unemployed? I've also been unemployed for six months. Oh, six months. Are you getting better at it? Being unemployed? Yeah, you've been going six months now?

Yeah, I've been going day to day, you know, doing stuff. So nothing in your set was actually true or based on any truth? No. What were you going to get to next? You said, one more joke, I went to a party last Friday. What was that going to be? Was that true, too? Was that a made-up joke?

That was actually true. Okay, go ahead and say that. Oh, but it was just an observation. No, you didn't say it. Okay, I was just saying there was a girl at the party, and she was in a bit of a panic, and she looked nervous nervous and she was running around the party trying to find her beer. She had misplaced her beer. And I realized that there was a bizarre similarity between losing your beer at a party and losing a kid in real life.

In that, you know you only have a certain amount of time to find it before it just turns up dead. As if you asked for it! Has anybody ever told you you're a wart on the buttocks of society? Man, you were right. That wasn't a joke. It was an observation. Does anyone else think it's crazy that only ex-convict invisible Dick Vance has been the only comic with a job up here so far?

That's very unfortunate. Everybody's unemployed. Peter, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up and you're unemployed? I mean, there must be something even to, flight aviation or like flight simulators. Yeah, not much to add. There must be something you're into. No, I honestly just stare at the wall for like hours a day. Wow, what a great business for you to get into.

Really, I mean, the natural, none of that, but a natural entertainer. Where I come from, if you stare at walls all day, you're retarded. That's where we all come from, Westworld Cowboy. Well, Peter, there you go. Thank you, guys. You did it. I appreciate it. Anything else on that piece of paper you want to talk about?

Zero fucking things. I'm going to get the hell off the stage right now. There he goes. Peter Kay, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. That's pretty impressive. He got 8,000 of his 10,000 steps in just on the stage.

When you podcast listeners, he was moving the entire time. It was very impressive. It was like watching Dane Cook vicious circle in fast motion. 60 seconds. Pick one without mental illness. We'll see. How about David Herndon?

David Herden. Oh! Come on, come on, come on! David Herden! David Herden! David Herden! David Herden! David Herden! David Herden!

David Herden! Yeah, how's it going? Uh, the thing that I don't understand about white supremacists is they can't make up their mind whether or not Irish people are really white. Lose my mind. My dad's an Irish immigrant. That motherfucker got skin cancer twice. White as fuck.

Took me skiing last winter, and we were going past ski patrol, and he was like, thank you for your service. What the fuck, Dad? They're not the cops. But they're like fair-weather racists towards the Irish. Because Mayweather and McGregor fight, and they're like, oh, McGregor's our boy. He's going to fuck them up. He goes down, and they're just like, no, it's that dirty mick blood. It's inferior blood, I tell you. I kind of get it, though.

I grew up in Boston, and the attitude in Boston among the Boston Irish is just like, hey, are you from America? And they're like, fuck you, I'm Irish. Look at this fucking shamrock tattoo with my mother's initials. It's just a horrible subculture. I, uh, I should have planned something else. I thought of it last night, and I was like, this is going to be a great idea. It wasn't.

Oh, come on. Don't shit on yourself. Let us do that, David. Come on. Don't try to do it yourself. Westworld guy. I wanted to like this man because of his skin color, but I did not. So David, you basically came up here. You're from Boston?

Yeah. And that's where you live? No, I live here now. Okay, why'd you move up to Montreal? I work up here now. What do you do for work? I'm a software developer. Software developer. And that's where you live? No, I live here now. Okay. Why'd you move up to Montreal? I work up here now. What do you do for work? I'm a software developer. Software developer.

See that? You can do it all. You can have a job and come here and bomb. You can do it all. You can live your dreams and make a living. So, how long have you lived in Montreal now? I've been living here like six, seven years. Wow, that's a long time.

You like it? I don't know. I was thinking about moving. I like it enough, yeah. I've been living here like six, seven years. Wow, that's a long time. You like it? I don't know. I was thinking about moving. I like it enough, yeah. I've been here a while. But I'm looking for something else. And you decided to talk about how white people don't really represent Irish people?

No, see what happened was, last night I was in an open mic, and I did that. And it killed, because I think there were some people that were maybe Irish and were loving it. Yeah, or watching the TV. And I was like, you know what, that was better. I thought it would be better than the other shit that I was going to do, so I went with it. Were there a lot of comedians at that open mic? There were a lot, but there was some crowd.

How much of a crowd? If you had to guess how much of a crowd? Oh, I don't know, like 10, 15. But how many comedians were there? We're talking about a white supremacist rally that he was at last night. And you very clearly were talking about that. And I think he was victimized because he's

got Irish heritage. And he thought that material would kill. And if you had less of a neo-Nazi haircut, I think you'd have every chance. Yeah, you look like you voted for Trump from Canada. Or have some tea ballot coming in from the state of Massachusetts. I'm pretty blown away that you're the first person up here with a legit job. And yet, are you wearing a push push down tube sock and an ankle sock?

Those are definitely two different socks ladies and gentlemen. Big Jay getting a very hurt from those. Can we just take a moment here to talk to Big Jay about his sock knowledge? I know it's a very strong sock game. You know when I was with this angle, I was seeing the Nike Sleuth Show one hour ago. Oh, that's, you know, full of flashing. And I'm not kidding either. You know that's like my favorite type of insult, because you know when he was putting those on earlier, he's like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, man.

If I get fucking pulled out, they probably won't fucking notice. It would be worth it to them to make the one socks different than the other joke they don't fucking do that i was just pushing the shoes in my household we don't mix people or stockings In my household, we don't mix people or stockings. Wow. So David, what's your Irish-Bostonian father like? Is he a tough guy? I don't know. He gets drunk and has blood feuds about Cromwell. He'll just yell about Cromwell when he's drunk. And it's been like 400 years. So it's kind of like... Wow. He's a super old guy. Does he ever complain about his software engineer pussy of a son?

Oh, he's cool? Yeah, yeah. That's fun. Him and your mom are still together? Yes. You go back and visit often? Yeah. You have a bunch of crazy drunk friends back in Boston? Yeah. You drink a lot? Yeah. What's your drink of choice? Beer and whiskey. Beer and whiskey. Sorry, but your question, do you have a bunch of crazy

drunk friends? Yes, he's from Boston. Yeah, yeah. It's implied. Can you give us an example of something crazy you guys have ever done? Like you ever fucking flip a car when the Bruins won or something? Everyone just puts their socks to a fishbowl and grabs two out. This guy is never going to wear Knicks match socks again for the rest of his life. I'm probably an hour outside of Boston, so there's not shit to do. So we get drunk in basements and shoot coyotes with a BB gun. Hell yeah. Are you from Boston, so you're a fan of the red socks or the different socks?

Boston hot socks, do, so... So fucking funny. Now, have you been doing stand-up for... Like four or five months. Four or five months. You do it often? A couple times a week? Yeah, I try to do it at least three times a week. What type of software are you making right now? Anything with AI robots sucking dicks and smoking weed?

We have an AI team, but I don't work on that shit. No, I build a web product for a startup in town. They do chatbot tools. Ah, very cool. Tools for other people to build chatbots. A chatbot? Yeah. I've got a friend that's interested in fucking one of those.

I love it. Well, David, I mean, you know, you went for it. The one thing I was getting at by asking you how many comedians were at that open mic and to how many audience members is one thing I always say is you gotta watch your material at those open mics because sometimes those comedians will laugh at you

because they're laughing at your failure. You know what I mean? Or they want you to do that material. Like, hey, let's laugh. I think he's going to kill Tony tomorrow, let's get him to do this Irish shit. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm so good! And then they'll fuck you.

And you know what I mean? Like, comedians can fuck you up in those rooms, because they, you know, and they also just laugh at shit that they're basically laughing at their own successes, like, I'm better than this guy. So you gotta watch it. You know, those open mics, it could be a bad barometer for what happens in front of a live audience

as you saw here tonight. Yeah, I mean, you've got to watch that and also, you know, write some jokes. That's the other thing that Tony didn't mention, which is very important. Very important. Definitely not going to do 24-hour-old shit next time. I think it was kind of based on a weird premise as well.

Did you want to buy it? I don't know anything about white supremacists, but do they not like the Irish? Yeah, there's a tall debate if Irish and Italians are white, which I thought was hilarious. Well, Italians I could sort of see why, but aren't most white supremacists, where are they from?

Ireland and England. Oh, yeah. What websites are you going on when you're seeing this debate? I don't know, man. They have a lot of them. What were you surfing when you found this debate? It's all a debate that's going on around my parts. That is true.

Jimmy's actually opening my eyes to the fact that how do you know what white supremacists are saying about it? How would you know that they don't think Irish people are... I was in a meeting yesterday and some of my white supremacists were saying, I heard Italians bleed pasta sauce. Alright David, well it was nice to meet you. True set of balls for coming on and doing, uh, you know, Irish white supremacist stuff. I'm pretty sure next time you're on you'll knock our socks off.

There he goes, David Herning. He's on tour at Germany and White. Mixed match socks, that'll fucking beat him, you man. Well, you know they're both sexy fucking songs. We're pulling another name out of the bucket. I love one word names. This is our first one word name of the night. Put your hands together for Krupa. Oh shit, look at this.

The goddamn underpainter. Here it goes. I'm going to make some noise for Krupa, everybody. What's up, guys? So I was on my way here tonight, and I'm from out of town. I was swiping on Tinder on the way here, and out of like 40 or 50 people that I've swiped on, so far the only thing that I've swiped on is the five guys that I don't know if you guys can relate.

Didn't get that fucking joke. Alright, so I was also outside smoking before, and this girl comes up to me, she goes I haven't seen her since freshman year, she goes Kevin, what the fuck is going on? Like, you smoke now? And I'm just like, look, I only smoke when I drink.

And she goes, like, well, how often do you drink? And I just pause for a second, I'm like, you smoke now? And I'm just like, look, I only smoke when I drink. And she goes, well, how often do you drink? And I just pause for a second. I'm like, all right, bitch, I'm a smoker. And it's walking. Yeah, honestly, though, Montreal, you guys have some fucking babes in here. A lot of beautiful women in Montreal. My whole thing is I'm really awkward when it comes to picking up girls. I feel like the only way you can pick up a girl in Montreal these days

is like while you're paying for something and like it's pulling out like a wad of cash or like a bag of cocaine being like, hey what's up? Like you want to fucking party? Like, you wanna fuckin' party? Like... Okay. Wait a sec! I'm sorry Jimmy Carr, but it appears as though one of our favorite characters, Feminist Stacey, has arrived! This is a real feminist of this guy. Be careful. First of all I want to say I was really triggered by your filthy set. Oh we're just money hungry whores aren't we? Just um, um, um, um, no. Maybe open the door for us, huh?

Maybe call us on the phone. Maybe look away on the phone. Maybe look the one in the eye, if you can, have some confidence, and say, I think we should go on a date. Let's go back to Krupa here, who... I was confused halfway through this. Who is Kevin? Kevin is my first name, Krupa is my last name, I was confused halfway through this. I didn't realize it was Kevin. Kevin is my first name.

Krupa is my last name. But everyone that knows me goes by Krupa. Because you've told them to call you Krupa. And Man Pig is his middle name. Krupa, where are you going? You're like running to the back of the stage right now. Are you the kid in Witness? Actually, no.

I don't know what that show is about. It's a movie. This is a very interesting look. Are you looking forward to growing slowly into the old guy from Poltergeist? Is Caroline here? Thank you. Can she come out? What was the... the first movie you told was about five guys guys and the audience, you people, didn't get it. He was upset about it. I'm upset about it. I also, if I'm honest, didn't get it. What were you talking about? You're hearing me. Do you want me to show you how to hold your own dick? Closer to the mouth. I'm gonna listen to the microphone, Krupa. She's actually right.

Closer. Krupa, trust me. You're not doing it correctly. To explain the joke, I don't know if a lot of you guys are on the same yard, but out of like a lot of the swipes that you do in your... Is the microphone choosing not to amplify what you're saying? No, wait. Every, like, 30-swipe video on Instagram, there's, like, an ad that pops up, and, like, in, like, Montreal, there's

fucking five guys, and that's the only thing that I expect from you. Now, I'm pretty sure that that's the app telling you that your only chance is with five guys. Like, five different guys. It's telling you that that only chance is with five guys. Like, five different guys. It's telling you that that's what you're going to end up bucking. So, Krupa, what do you do for a living?

I'm a bartender, and I work for the Montreal Alouettes, the professional football team here in Montreal. Okay, wait a second. This is what you should have opened with, by the way. Hold on, hold on. The Alouettes? Oh, here they come Montreal, are you ready for your fucking football team? Well then make some noise for the Alouettes! Bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, Bip, B team, the ball, oh! Here they are, the Alouettes, everybody!

Oh, look at the way the world condition, the stadium, John Jones fights the other guy! Good God, the Alouettes, wow! So that's the professional football, by that you mean soccer, and by that you mean men's soccer? Like Canadian football, so like you mean soccer, and by that you mean men's soccer? Like Canadian football. So like you guys have in the States... Real football. Real football, but Canadian rules tackle football. Oh, tackle football. Wait, what?

Sometimes you don't know if someone's tackle is out. It's American football, but it's Canadian football. Canadian rules. We have like three downs as opposed to four downs. It sounds like you have Downs Syndrome. Three downs? What the fuck kind of game is this? Are women allowed to play at these? Three downs? It's more of like a passing league, because like, you have like first down, second down, and if you don't, like... Oh, I'll pass, alright, I'll pass. I'm never watching that shit.

Wow. How long have you worked with the Alu-X? It's my third season. Yeah, I'm a coordinator. I'm a marketing coordinator, basically. Oh, okay. Well, let me give you some advice for their marketing. Change their name and teach them how to play

real football. We'll do that. Now I'm doing your job for you, Krupa. Alright, well, anything else interesting about you? Any fun facts about Krupa? Are you one of those bartenders that throws bottles around and stuff? You sort of look like you have the hat for it. Is Krupa... it's that thing that kills babies, isn't it? I had that when I was a kid. I had croup, it's called croup. Croup? Yep.

Oh, and is that what started your growth? I'm an average height, Jimmy, I'm 5'9". I mean, you can't make short jokes about me. Because they can't make short notes about you. You're fucking tiny. You're like one of those little things on the top of a wedding cake, that's why I like you. It's true, look at me, I'm a six foot three woman.

I'm a six foot three woman. I'm a six foot three woman. I'm a six foot three woman. I'm a six foot three woman. I'm a six foot three woman. I'm a six foot three woman. I'm a six foot three woman. I'm a six foot three woman.

I'm a six foot three woman. I'm a six foot three woman. I'm a six foot three woman. I'm a six foot three woman. It's true, look at me, I'm a six foot three woman. Alright, well Krupa... Krupa has to get back to walking with a lantern across a foggy marsh. I'm gonna keep it moving along, Kruze. Nice to meet you. There he goes. First of all ladies and gentlemen, the Pimp the Bell tour. Alright, let's get back to this bucket. Let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for Jacob Mason.

Hey guys, my name is Jacob. And if I leave this country, I can't get back in. Oh no. Oh man, please, please. Save me. He wants to bury me. Nobody? I called my mom.

I called my mom to do this and to help me out with the immigration. She's just praying for it. Anybody got the religious family? Anybody else? Anybody else's family on Christmas? Sing happy birthday to Jesus. Anybody? No? It's always the best at the end. We're like, and many more! We have the one atheist cousin. He's like, probably not.

My grandma actually, every year, my grandma, she bakes Jesus a cake. And she leaves him a slice, just in case. In case he shows up. Talk about the craziest surprise party ever. That would be the only surprise party where the birthday boy yells surprise. And everybody else is just like, Jesus Christ! I'm from California, guys, which means I'll always be kind of a douchebag. That's basically it. It's not all that good.

All right. Thank you. Do you want to finish that? Do you want to sit behind us? There you go. You're fine. I don't blame you. Getting out on top.

Jacob made some, but perhaps instead of the night so far. Finally. I didn't realize we had great people in California for the show to be funny. Yeah, fuck you guys. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry so far. Finally. I didn't realize we had to bring you to California for the show to be funny. Yeah, fuck you guys. That had to sting a little bit, right?

But look at the show so far. Those all-Montreal people. Anyway, so how long have you been here? I've been here since December. December. You moved here as well. We brought you here to Montreal. Really? You fell in love with a Canadian? Yep. Wow. Was it Trudeau? Wait, he hasn't called yet. Was it Trudeau? Are you one of the Alouettes? That's fun. How long you been with her?

For two years now. Two years. It was a long distance relationship before that? Kind of. I used to work in Taiwan. So I lived in Taiwan. I met her on Tinder in Taiwan. She was in Taiwan as well? Yeah. And she's just a French Canadian girl? Just in the world. So you met her in Taiwan. Are you not slightly concerned that she might be some sort of AI sensor?

Well that's fun. So you moved here in December. And how's life changed for you since being a Canadian? Well, I've never experienced snow before, so this is the first year. That's pretty exciting. Definitely that's fun. Very novel. So everything, even when I was just shoveling snow, it was exciting. That's not the mind of the shoveling snow. That's, yes, that's a different thing. That almost looks as if you've got your invisible dick out. And then there's Stacy. Hi.

Okay, Jacob. Jacob, how long have you been with stand-up? Like four years. Four years? That's a great performance tonight. Is this the only show you're doing? Stacey, what's going on? I gotta go. I didn't even say anything and you look at me like, Femme de Stacey, you want to chime in on this?

No, I was admiring the romantic story of this man. Take a note, fellas, it's still possible. Wow, feminist faces packing up and leaving the show, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Jeremiah Watkins, he's gonna do new faces tonight, huh? He's here at JFL. That's really... He'll do another crazy show, this guy. So Jacob, let's talk about it a little bit more. So you're doing good, you're surviving. What do you do for fun here in Canada? What are some hobbies?

Well, besides stand-up, I just started playing Gaelic football, which is Irish football. Gaelic football. I know a little bit about Gaelic football, and I know that it is less gay than Canadian. Wow. So, can you explain to us a little bit of what happens in Gaelic football? How our roles are different there? It's like soccer, but you can pick up the ball.

Wait, what? Soccer, but you can touch the ball with your hands? It's Randy Law! I mean, that's incredible. That's just basically, do whatever the fuck you want, ball. Kick it, throw it, it's like, bop it. You play it? Yeah, I actually played it in Taiwan as well. I found a team here.

Hell yeah. All right, Jacob. Well, I mean, that was a very fun set. Yeah, the jokes worked. That was good. That's maybe a note for the others. Absolutely. You wrote it before getting here.

You didn't test it out on the bad open mic crowd last night, then you came here, you took your time, you knew the microphone was on. He doesn't appear to be a white supremacist. That's true. A lot of things in this guy's favor. Are you genuinely from a very religious family? Yeah. What, is it Catholic or?

Protestant. Protestant? That's not even the God I don't believe in. Catholic or the Protestant person. That's the only thing I don't believe in. Well, Jacob, your God helped you through it here tonight. That was a great set. Congratulations. Big hand. Thank you.

I want to know how David's football leagues kick off in Taiwan. Where'd you find that? I don't know. Some co-workers were going in. I was just at would go in and I would show up. So like a Starbucks and saw a little like rip tab thing and it was like, oh, call this number if you want to get into Gaelic football.

This is how I get in as well. Wow. Did you talk Gaelic? You thought Gaelic meant something else to me. I'll try to find myself an agent. We're going to keep it moving along. There he goes. Jacob Mait, everybody. Keep flying through it, shall we? We're almost there. Let's see what happens next with... with John Milanovs, everyone. Here we go.

John Milanovs, here we go. This guy's giving a little point to fans. Thank you guys. Guys, who gets ass? Nobody? You see everybody peeing on stage? Guys, I get ass if I'm a fucking broken meat and I can't afford vitamins, I get ass to build my immune system. Like, if you get ass in December, you don't get a cold in January, guys, for sure. Guaranteed. If you'd asked in April, you don't get fucking allergies in May. If you'd fucking asked right now,

you don't get a seasonal affective disorder in October, you're good to go. When the sun goes down, you get a bit more sad. You don't get to see an ass. That's marijuana, guys. Because I eat so much ass, I don't even think I could probably give blood. You know what I mean?

Like, if they do a survey, like, what did you do this week? I feel like if I gave blood, someone would just wake up, like, tipsy, a bit high-end, with shitty breath. You know what I mean?

That's all I got, guys. I don't know what happened. I mean, I think I was told that it's going to fill that time. More than enough. I'm sorry, I have one question. Do you eat ants? Yes.

Totally. Well, you... It would appear, and I'm not an expert on these things, but it would appear eating an ant is very good for your hair. Yes, it seems so. That's the best one. You've got remarkable...

You've got like a mane, I would say. I would focus on that and maybe less eating ass. It is. That hair is fart blown. For those of you listening to the podcast,

John looks like a Hugh Jackman only ate ass. He thought he was the greatest showman. You do seem remarkable. You look as if you go to the gym a lot. I believe the term is stacked. And yet you've got sort of Kermit's legs. No, it's a good look. It's a strong look. If anything, the top looks bigger because you've ignored the legs.

Oh, no, no, no! They're almost sort of tummy-hinged. Oh, come on! Taking shots of a throne over here? How dare you? I am built. He has much thicker legs than you. Wow, this is incredible so you really just eat ass yeah is that true yeah well once in a while you know this to the lady I don't want to go crazy so it's not like a

first date two week it's like a special anniversary. Oh, I don't know. What do you find out in those two weeks? Oh, if she has an annoying voice, I can eat her ass. If I don't want to keep her around, I can eat her ass. I can't do it. Say that again? If I know she fucking can stick around, I can't eat her ass. Wow. There's got to be a level of commitment before you meet someone. Yes. Is that what you're saying? Of course you're a gentleman. Of course. But how fast are you willing,

are you a guy that will fuck on the first date? Yeah, totally, yeah. Right, yeah. Stick your dick in a vagina with no condom whatsoever. Well, yeah, maybe. Whatever. Do you have a preference of types of asshole? Do you like a big fat ass, a pink asshole, hairy? I like an asshole that doesn't really look like an asshole. The least that looks like an asshole, the better. So you're saying that you want an asshole. But the least it looks like an asshole, the better. So you're saying that you want an asshole that looks like a dick? Like a...

Like a weird thing. I don't know what to think about it. You don't spell it. Brown, blue knot. Yes, okay. Can I ask, when you're not modeling for romantic fiction, what's the other job? I'm a bartender, waiter. When you're not modeling for romantic fiction. Oh, my love.

I appreciate that. What's the other job? I'm a bartender waiter. A bartender waiting on you. Yes. Okay. Where do you pick up the ladies? No, never really.

Just open mics and shit. Wow. You pick up people and open mics. Sometimes. So you're getting sympathy sex? Yeah. Totally. Okay.

It's my big closest... Just chicks, like... Man, you were, you know... I was so sad. You really... Yeah, it works. You really need shit on stage tonight. You're like, you should see me eat shit out of your butt, bitch.

That's exactly what I mean. Yeah. You got two weeks to prove yourself and then I'll munch your butt, bitch. That's exactly what I mean. You've got two weeks to prove yourself and then I'll munch your butt. Exactly. Pretty much. Two weeks to be in a proper health mood. I'm sorry, but we're workshopping a rom-com here, aren't we? Two weeks to munch your butt. I think we even have a title.

It's a rom-com or a rim-com or something like that. A rim-com? It's a whole new genre. With this guy on the poster, people will go and see it. I mean, I don't want to... I think too handsome to be funny. Let's go to the prom arena. That's the problem. Well, it's half the problem.

Well, it's not a problem. It's a plumber thing. You're like if John Nelson didn't look terrible. You know, this reminds me a lot of the movie Catch Me If You Can, we're talking about catching pink-eyed. I like he's building a genie whose feet are still in the bottle. Amazing! I love, it's amazing by the way.

You podcast, you podcast, Big J is lighting people up from the angles now. Alright man, well we're going to keep moving through, we're going to try to get one more person up here. There he goes, John Milanos everybody. Make sure you do it on time from now on, that's the lesson to take from tonight. You only did 45 seconds, you always have to do your time, you can't bail out early. Alright, let's do one quick one. Let's do it. Did any women sign up by any chance here tonight?

Okay, I'm gonna try to find one, because we're going to. We're going to go to the back of the bucket one more time. Is that cool with you guys? Because we can't do any more after that. We let her down. So I'm going to try to find, is Leandra that woman? Leandra Ruffalo, everybody. Here she comes.

Leandra Ruffalo. It's going to close the show here. My light is very bright. Okay. I've been single for a very, very long time now. And, um, you kind of get to thinking, like, why does that happen? Why have you been single for so long? And I think it's because I'm not very enthusiastic about a lot of stuff.

I'll explain. See, the last person I was with was very, like, adventurous. Like, hey, you know, I think it'd be cool if we had, like, a threesome. I was like, okay. Maybe. And I thought about it,

and I was like, if I want to disappoint two people at the same time, I'd go to dinner with my parents. Because at least then I know that for sure they're going to pay and it's going to be great. I also have newfound confidence, which kind of is not small considering the last thing I said, but we'll move on. And then, yeah, just lost a lot of weight, which is great. Newfound confidence. If you guys ever need advice on how to lose the weight you could take my trick. It wasn't great but it worked. You could turn your noose into an exercise belt and everything is gonna go great. You might end up with anorexia so you're back at square one but whatever.

Like, you know, that was in the details. Doesn't matter. Oh yeah, she did. Le. You rocked that one. What's the question, Amanda? How long have you been on stand-up? Two, three years now. Two or three years. Hell yeah. That's fun.

What do you think? I've got to say, that opening joke was pretty good. Yeah. I think you didn't quite find the punch of that joke that disappointed the parents, but it's a good joke. Threesome, if I want to disappoint you people, parents, I thought it was great. Yeah, you can get to it quicker. You know, I'm single, you know, just straight into the threesome shit, and then make sure you don't step on your own punchline. You know, you're sort of going into the thing. You said, if

I want to do that, I disappoint. I would disappoint three people at the same time, or whatever the hell you said. But then you're like, and right after it. know you know you could let it breathe a little bit more indicates all that but that's a punchline yeah I think it was diminishing returns I'll go to dinner with my parents that's it let them have a laugh and then move on I think she's the most relaxed I've ever seen somebody on kill Tony yeah usually everyone's like very jittery. I mean you saw that guy earlier. He was digging a hole in the stage. Even the guy? She was like, yeah, she came out and she was like, yeah, so I'm single. Here's why.

You also said you were single because you're not very enthusiastic about things. I've got a friend who's very keen on eating ants. I'm not sure how enthusiastic you would have to be. Yeah, I feel like you'd have to be pretty enthusiastic, that's a lot. No, you just wanna... Oh, you just like to... Two weeks. Right. All you need is to give him two weeks. He needs to do a full health check.

Okay, just one last moment tonight. What ethnicity are you? I am Italian. Oh, wow. Oh, well, don't try being a neo-Nazi. If we've learned one thing this evening, not welcome. That's funny. Andrea, what do you do for a living? I have three jobs. Three jobs. Wow, that's one for all the people that didn't have jobs.

It's unbelievable. She for all the people that didn't have jobs. It's unbelievable, she has all the jobs. We're finding out why most people are all unemployed. Which three jobs do you have? Three jobs? You must make as much as one man. That's a lot of work. Go on, so what are these jobs? I work as a waitress, as a bartender, and I work as an intern for a stockbroker at an investment firm. Damn.

Look at you. Waitress and bartender at two different places? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's interesting. Fuck yeah. The other one's an intern at a stockbroker place.

Yeah. All right. Well, that's fun. You learning how to do that? Like, is that the field that you're going into? No, absolutely not. It has nothing to do with...

I mean, I just... Okay, because I'm in this whole veracity. Hell yeah. That's how money works. Oh, how much weight did you lose? You lost a lot of weight. Oh, 60 pounds, for real. No shit.

How did you do it? You just work out? I actually turned my nose into it. And you stopped eating like bread and shit? Was that the trick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And drank a lot of water? Yeah, and alcohol.

Yeah. And worked out? Yeah. What kind of working out did you do? Because I think it's really important that you work the legs as well as the upper body. I've seen some horrible results. It's awful. I don't know, it's all Debbie Perrott, it can't be that bad, right?

Yeah. I think it's really important that you work the legs as well as the upper body. I've seen some horrible results. It's awful. I don't know, it's all Debbie Perrott, it can't be that bad, right? Yeah. I think it's really important that you work the legs as well as the upper body. I've seen some horrible results what the fuck? Well Leandra you did it here tonight, it was absolutely awesome. Leandra Ruffalo, giving off a little female energy.

We got Lyle LeBuckler. She's on tour at L'EAR, L-A-L-E-A-R. And that live audience, thank you so much. It's Keltoni, Lyle from Montreal. I want to hand it to Jimmy Carr. That's Ray Overston, Jeremiah Washington, Brian Reffin. We love you guys. Thank you so much for having us. Thank you, JFL, just for last.

We'll see you guys in Toronto in just a couple months. Sorry to the people that they pulled out of the bucket. You were so close. We love you, I.E. Good night. Thank you. Outro Music