KILL TONY - KILL TONY #281

Episode Date: August 1, 2018

Willie Hunter, Connor McSpadden, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 07/30/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem?

Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes. You can even click on tour dates to come see

us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store at 8pm, but we're also going on the road. We are going to be in Cleveland, Cincinnati, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Nashville, Lansing, Michigan, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Detroit, Michigan,

and Toronto, and a bunch of other shows, so just click on tourdates at deathsquad.tv. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. Go to Tonyhinchcliffe.com there you have everything Golden Pony and you can check out his other tour dates also

Ryan J. Ebelt he's the house artist he draws every single episode go to ryanjebelt.com and last but not least go to shopsquad.tv if you want to get the new Kill Tony t-shirt or any of the Death Squad merchandise like mugs and hats and stuff like that, go to shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatchcliff! Hi, everybody. What's happening? Make some noise. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Brian Red Band is here. Nobody has more fun on Mondays than us. Ryan J. E. Belt is here

drawing tonight's episode. We have a bunch of crazy comedians over there. And audience members, how many of you have been to Kill Tony before? Make some noise. Wow, look at that. Some people that know their shit. Thousands and thousands watching the live stream all around

the world right now. We have some good news. We're going to Cleveland on Wednesday to do a Kill Tony live there. We're doing stand-up shows the next day on Thursday. And then Friday, August 3rd, we're in Cincinnati. The 4th in Fort Wayne, Indiana. And then we just do Kill Tonys every Monday here until September. We do Lansing, Michigan, then Grand Rapids the next night.

Kill Tonys and stand-up shows in both cities, and then the next night, Detroit, Michigan, with our guest, Danny Brown. Oh, yeah, that's right. This Saturday's guest in Fort Wayne, Indiana, Andy Kindler, one of the best comedians in the world. We saw him kill at Just for Laughs. And speaking of Just for Laughs, that's where we're going to be the last week of September,

Just for Laughs Toronto, Canada, this time. We're doing a special Kill Tony on the 28th at midnight. Still some tickets available for that. We're doing a massive, regal, gigantic theater. We just got back from Montreal this week where we packed a theater there and had an unbelievable episode with our guests, Jimmy Carr and Big Jay Oakerson. And how about this? Can we give a little announcement?

What do you think? I mean, there's so many Kill Tonys on the road, and we've gone to this place before, and we are coming back. Congratulations to the city of Boston, Massachusetts. We are coming back on November 9th to do a place called Venus de Milo, some type of, like, 800 like 800 or 900 seat super venue in Swansea, Massachusetts, just outside of Boston.

And then how about more? Let's hit them with some more breaking news. November 13th, San Antonio, Texas. November 14th, Austin, Texas. The 15th, Houston. And the 16th and 17th in Fort Worth. Those are Kill Tonys and stand-up shows all of Texas. November 13th to the 17th.

Huh? You sure guys have scheduled that full now? Keep working, you bastards. Next week, we're back here Monday with our guest Russell Peters, which is going to be very exciting. Russell Peters and another secret guest, which brings us to now.

Life is good. You know, we're getting older and sexual performance issues are more common than you think. But with forhims.com, it's a one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, sexual wellness for men. There's a bunch of great stuff there. A lot of people, if they know me, I'm one of those guys that, you know, I'm 43 and I go to gas stations

and I buy boner pills all the time. And, you know, it costs like $10 and some of them work. Some of them make me feel like I might be having a stroke. It's very unhealthy to do. I don't recommend it. But this is a website that you can go to and just over the internet

you talk to a doctor and it's like getting a prescription for, you know, those kind of pills down there. Yeah. Thanks to science, ED can be optional. HIMSS connects you with real doctors and medical grade solutions to treat ED. No snake oil pills or gas station counter supplements.

Prescription solutions backed by science. And you can try 4hims.com for a month today for just $5. We'll get you started for just $5 while supplies last. See website for full details. This would cost hundreds if you went to the doctor or pharmacy. Go to 4hims.com slash kill. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash kill. Forhims.com slash kill. So now you know. You guys excited to start the show? Yeah. You got to read those ads. We're trying to upgrade to a gold bucket, people. Let's do this. Every single week, I give you two of the funniest human beings in the world. Now I'm going to say people. Let's do this. Every single week, I give you two of the funniest

human beings in the world. Now, I'm going to say this. Let me tell you this. People didn't know Tiffany Haddish when we had Tiffany Haddish on multiple times on the show years ago. Sometimes you don't know people, and some people are from the future. Right? And you're going to say,

I guarantee you, one day, you're going to say, we were at Kill Tony when those two people were guests on this show. Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you geniuses, Willie Hunter and Connor McSpadden. Roast Battle, the Comedy Central roast. Writers, performers, creator of the Carmichael Show, Actor. Producer. Creator. Writer. Connor McSpadden. Writer. Just did Roast Battle on Comedy Central. Which, by the way, I did as well.

Watch Comedy Central the next five Tuesdays. And on that fifth Tuesday, the main event, it's me versus the undefeated grand champion of all of Roast Battling. Wow, he has never been defeated before. We'll have to see what happens.

Yeah, uh-oh is right, Aphrodite. Uh-oh is right. Could we possibly guess what happened by how smug Tony sounds right now? No, no, we couldn't possibly guess. We don't want to give any spoilers away here on this show. It's five weeks away, Connor. Yeah, certainly not. So Connor just finished his last night aired the Bruce Willis roast,

and it was his first ever staff writing job, right? Yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah. Really big deal. Very lucky to do that. Connor's one of the brilliant minds of roasting, one of the legends. Hey, look, it's Josh Martin, everybody. Look at that.

This guy's got a new Gucci. He's got a... That is his sound effect. What is that, a leopard? Wow. Josh is an angry little kitten. He's got a brand new Gucci backpack. So if you see his backpack, look out.

That's what he spends his money on, is a Gucci backpack. So if you see his backpack, look out. That's what he spends his money on is a Gucci backpack. When he's not taking any gig he can or bar backing, he has a Gucci backpack. Yeah, that's the best part about Josh Martin is like shoes, Yeezys,

rest of the outfit, Walmart. I mean, there's so much he could be spending his money on for HIMs.com for just $5. You can get started today. Alright. You guys ready to start this thing? We have a band that comes every week. They are the improvisational gurus. They are my

favorite thing in all of comedy. I can't believe I'm lucky enough to have them as my band on this show. It's just insane. They commit to characters every week. I never know what they're going to do. They've been policemen. They've been people that have broken out of prison. They've been the people running for president. I never know what they're going to do.

You never know what they're going to do. Here they are this week. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Come on, guys. You've got to make more fucking noise thaniss. Come on, guys. You got to make more fucking noise than that. Come on, Monday.

Wait a second. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. We got some detectives, it appears, this week. Wow. Oh, my goodness. This my goodness. This is incredible. For those of you listening to the podcast,

the lead detective appears to be Bruce Jenner mid-transition doing some type of World War II reenactment of some kind. Hello there, Detective Watkins, I presume? Yeah, dummy. Wow, so some private eyes. We got Chroma Chris. He must be the more silent cop. And then here we are.

We have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, looking like the type of detective that would deport himself. How's it going? Looking for something to say, actually, now. There we go. We're off to a blazing start. Have you seen his confidence? We're looking for it.

There we go. So the band is here. They're going to be detectives the whole time. I'm sure they're going to interrogate some of the lucky people that we pull out of this bucket that has tens and tens and tens of names in it. A lot of people sign up for the chance to get pulled out. You get 60 seconds on stage to do stand-up or really whatever you want if it's entertaining. But 60 seconds, you'll hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then, Earl.

She's going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Man, that bear sounds angry tonight. So that means wrap it up then, or else everyone's going to hate you. And then we talk to you about anything in the world after that. Maybe I find out more information about you, about what makes you special, or your story is interesting. So just be honest, and we're going to have a lot of fun. You guys ready to do this? It's Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world.

It actually starts now. All the music, all the intros, they're done. All the pieces are in place, and this is how the show goes. All right. Wow. This is going to be a great night. I can already tell. The first name that I pulled out of the bucket. This young lady has been on the show a few times. It's always amazing, inspirational

and super fucking cool. We love her here. Put your hands together for Lila Hart, everybody. Here she comes. One of our favorite humans. The bucket is giving us the great and powerful Lila Hart.

These boots were made for limping Right onto the stage Ah, it's so good to be here So good to be on stage where y'all can see me You know, cause I get lost in the crowd, literally I do get lost It's been a great summer, been working on this tan, you know It's a full-time job working on this tan especially because I don't have a pool to lay out by so I got to call one of my girlfriends

and not only am I working on a tan I'm doubling as a therapist you know and I'm like yo can you please stop with the negativity because it's clouding my sunshine and I'm trying to get this tan. Anybody else have anxiety? Me too. It's crippling. But I've got anxiety and I told my girlfriend about it. I was like, yo, I've got anxiety. And she's like, Lila, if you're feeling anxious, what you ought to do is wake up in the morning and get on your knees and pray to God. And I was like, get on my knees to pray to God? I don't even get on my knees to suck dick. Thank you, guys.

That was great. I think you can just get right to the end on that last one because you telegraph it, right? Get down on my knees. I don't even get down on my knees. You don't need to repeat her name or anything. That's all great. It was a great set. Thank you.

One more time for Lila Hart, everybody. Very fun. Is this your guys' first time seeing Lila? It is my first time, yes. Heck yeah. All I could stop thinking was what is your workout regimen? What machines do you use? Oh, I just hike because it's for free.

You know? There you go. Poor man's of the poor man's equinox. Good old mountain. Connor. Yeah, there's a bunch of people that think Runyon Canyon is haunted because of you. Yeah, probably. Did I mention Connor is on

a podcast called Mean Boys? And that he's a Comedy Central roast writer? Fuck yeah. No, I love it. Lila, I love that you talk about your anxiety. Is that a real, that's a true thing, right?

Yeah, I mean, it comes and it goes. Who doesn't have a little bit of it? You have so much swag, though. Oh, thank you. I wish I had that much swag, and I am made all correct and shit. I am. It's a trade-off, you know what I mean?

I know, yeah, it's really cool. Detective Watkins. Define swag. Does that mean she's a floozy or something? So, Lila, what's been going on in your personal life lately? You've been on the show a few times. Yeah, I just got back from Canada. I was there for two weeks at Calgary Stampede.

What were you doing there? I was working at the Cowboys Casino tent, just, like, hanging out, talking to people. The Cowboys Casino tent and just like hanging out, talking to people. Cowboys Casino tent? Yeah. So Calgary Stampede, it's a 10-day country music festival and the Cowboys tent is where they have all the music stuff

and there's like a VIP booth and I just got hired to hang out. You look like you wouldn't want to be near anything called Stampede. Oh, yeah. So, yeah. I thought the Cowboys tent was where Heath Ledger got butt fucked, but I'm learning a lot tonight. Yes.

No, the one with the broke back, I believe, is Lila. Lila, what was the most fun thing that happened to you at that Canadian music festival I what did they hire you to do oh okay so I was hired to be so every night I was like a different character

one night I was a miniature Dolly Parton so then I was just on stage in front of 5,000 people by the way you don't have to say for each different night you don't have to say miniature beforehand like we know all of your characters are miniature. I feel like your body looks more natural than the real Dolly Parton at this point. Oh.

And then I was a mini Meghan Markle, too. Oh, the leader of... Germany. Wait, Germany, yeah, right? Or that's Angela Markle. Meghan is the one that just married the... Prince Harry. Oh, okay. I get my markers. No, that one that just married the... Prince Harry. Oh, okay.

I get my Merkels. No, that's good. You know your world leaders. That's what I thought it was, too. Angela Merkel, I believe. Right? Yeah. What does a Canadian mosh pit look like at a Canadian music festival?

I feel like that's the only mosh pit that would be polite enough to be safe for you. So that had to be a very inclusive experience. Yeah. Well, you know know it was kind of there was a lot of people there and a lot of drunk people so people just like pick me up i want to take pictures and stuff so i was like if you're gonna pick me up for a picture you better tip me you know so it was good fuck yeah yeah well that's fun did you hook up with anybody at the country music no no no i have a boyfriend. Oh, you do?

I do. How long have you had a boyfriend for? For a little bit. What's its name? Eric Abinante. Eric Andre. Wow, that's crazy.

Adult Swim. I thought they just had short shows. His name is Eric. Short shows. So is he a comedian? Yeah. Can you really suck

his dick standing up? No, actually, we're, like, proportionate to each other, so it's really cute. Oh, he's short? That poor fucking guy. Hey, he's got a big dick, so don't feel bad for him. Well, I mean, it could be a small one. Well, it's...

Joel Berg is here. For those of you that don't know, you're supposed to chant Joel Berg whenever he kills like that. We just found his confidence. It was under a small lady. All right, let's keep it moving along. Lila, you did great again.

There she goes, Lila Hart, everybody. She's on Twitter. Love Lila Hart. Hell yeah. We are up and running. Hell yeah. Just leave that mic stand anywhere, Lila. Good God.

Put it in the handicap spot. Shut up with your groans. All right. Let's see what happens here. Pat B. Loyal. Is that a real name? Let's see. Pat B. Loyal?

Somebody's arms just went up. No, he's got a slight jog. Here he comes. Looks like a cheater. Oh, wow. Ryan's already throwing jokes out jug. Here he comes. Looks like a cheater. Oh, wow. Ryan's already throwing jokes out there. Look at this. Ladies and gentlemen, Pat B. Loyal.

Oh, shit. Kill Tony. You know what I like to kill? Some vagina. Can I get a what what? I'm pretty horny. I've been horny for like since a little kid like little little kid like if stuffed animals could get pregnant

I'd have little purple bunnies hopping around asking for money I mean last time this I tried at Koi when a girl asked to do butt stuff, and I was like, okay, so I guess it's used for two things. And then a week later, I'm like, what's a vagina?

You keep changing it? It's a phone dock. Oh, okay, great. It plays music and stuff. Okay, and then I'm like, I'm like, okay, couples, they say, oh, shit. Fuck.

Fuck, yeah. Butt stuff. Wow, relax. You are by far one of the horniest individuals we've ever had on the show. I don't know if you've ever heard of masturbating before, but it seems like your fucking destiny, dude. Are you Asian or Chihuahua? What the fuck are you?

I have no idea exactly what is going on. Both. Both. Filipino. Ah. That's true. Hell yeah. Wait, do I see the silent but what is going on. Both. Both. Filipino. Ah. That's true. Hell yeah.

Wait, do I see the silent but deadly detective? Yes. And when was the last time you saw your punchline? Whoa. Chroma Chris. Wow. Holy shit. Holy shit. That's the punchline.

Your mustache. Pat, Pat, slow it down. You're surrounded by professionals now. I hear you. I hear you. Pat be loyal. More like Pat be creepy. Am I right?

Pat, this is your first time on the show, right? Yes. Yes. Okay. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? It's been a couple months. A couple months.

I did it once, like, a couple years ago for, like, a year. I tried it, and then I just got into something else. Now, was this set premeditated? Did you know that you were going to talk about this tonight? That is a good question. Oh, that's not... That doesn't sound good. Was that beginning an accident?

What was the absolute first thing that he said? I believe it was, I'm horny, can I get a what what? Yeah. That was the verbiage. And everybody was like, I guess. I also want to bring up, you said when a girl asks you to do butt stuff, I don't think any woman has ever asked you to do butt stuff. I don't think anyone would trust you in their butthole.

I think most girls are just like, well, I would hang out, but there's something else I can do. That's not butt stuff. Yeah, yeah. But when you said, what is it, kill Tony, I'd kill pussy, that's what he said? That's what it was. He said, kill Tony, you know what I like to kill? Pussy. Yeah.

Vagina. I just have a quick question. If you're here, who's crouching and smoking outside of a liquor store? I thought you were going to say if you're here, who's crouching hidden dragon

or whatever the fuck. Hidden tiger? Pat, are you just Filipino? What is that? I'm a mixed, like Irish and just a whole bunch of stuff. Hell yeah. What do you do for work?

How do you make a living? I help out my friend's restaurant. What do you mean you help out your friend's restaurant? I do everything. I just deliver. By eating there? Most of the time, yeah. Deliver?

Cook? Deliver. I try to look up we definitely saw your car accident of a set so untrusty delivery what's the name of the you want to give a shout out to the Filipino restaurant is it a Filipino restaurant

no what kind of restaurant is it it's Italian Bravo's. Oh, you work at an Italian restaurant. Olive Garden? It's not that great. Yeah, it's all right. All right. Well, I mean, what else do you do?

You just help out at a buddy's restaurant? Yeah. And he owns it, so I kind of help him out. And then I was in the military, so I kind of have like... What did you do in the military? I was in the Navy. Really? Oh, yeah. Which side? Oh, so I kind of help him out. I was in the military. What did you do in the military? I was in the Navy. Really? Which side? Oh, so you have that much stuff.

No, I was in the U.S. Navy. How long did you do that for? Four years. Four years? Yeah. How'd you get out? I went through the whole four years. No, you went through the whole thing, so you're a goddamn American hero.

The sound effects are not coming from the saxophone. Quit looking at me. Put your hands together for Pat B. Loyal. He's a Navy. Yeah. No, no, no, I'm not done with you just yet. Pat, get back behind the microphone. Pat B.

I was just giving you a round of applause because you are a soldier. Awesome. That sounds great. Now you're not off the hook that easy. And that is the only reason. Did you really, you said that you would have

gotten your stuffed animals pregnant. Did you really fuck your stuffed animals when you were a kid? Yeah, Thumper was a little purple bunny that I had some relations with.

I thought for a second you were fucking the bad guy from Bugs Life and I was like, this dude is a freak. Thumper was a little purple bunny that I... I thought for a second you were fucking the bad guy from Bugs Life, and I was like, this dude is a freak. Thumper was scary as shit. That is hardcore. No, this is Bambi. Bambi's thumper was a cool thumper. So you fucked Bambi like a stuffed animal?

Like a deer? It was a deer, though? Yeah, my mom always made me turn the movie out before we got to that part. What part did you fuck? Like the battery pack or something? Double A or C? I mean, he's Filipino. It was a triple A.

It's a little bit too graphic to talk about right now. I wasn't proud of that either, guys. Pat, any interesting fun facts about you? Do you have any cool hobbies or special skills? You seem like you'd be good at something, like jumping rope or something like that. I do a little jiu-jitsu. You do?

Yeah, I quit last year. I kept breaking bones and stuff. You kept breaking your bones? My bones. No, I wasn't breaking anybody's bones. I was going to say, you look like Freddy Bravo. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they got the heaviest guy on me all the time And then he would just use his belly

What bones have you broken of yours? My ribs I had like a floating rib It never heals like they say Short ribs There you go Alright Pat well I mean do you ever hook up with chicks? Do you actually get action?

Yeah. You talk about being horny, you're fucking stuffed animals. What's your real sex life like? It used to be pretty wild, and now it's just after... Hold on, hold on. Well, I go down to the carnival, and I start throwing baseballs and milk bottles until I find a date. And then...

When you say it used to be wild, what do you mean? What's the most wild thing you've ever done sexually? First thing that pops in your head, Pat. I don't want you to write a long story about you and Thumper. Yeah, Thumper. No, stop, stop, stop. Go ahead, Pat. You said your sex life used to be pretty wild.

When you say wild, what do you mean? The thing I can think about is Like high school on the park branch At like 2 o'clock in the morning Where I go and see Outback of your curfew I see What were you doing Get to the goods immediately

Just a little sex stuff Normal This is like that opening scene A 40 year old version Talking about boobs And it feels like a bag of sand the little sex stuff. Normal. This is like that opening scene of 40-Year-Old Version. He's talking about boobs and it feels like a bag of sand. Bag of sand. Except this is like the Asian version of it.

We're in high school. Okay, it was a doggy style. Hands on the table. And there it went. You want me to get all graphic? Oh, it was so moist. You said you killed vagina earlier, and then you won't spit out anything, you dum-dum.

Do I want you to be graphic? All you said was park bench. Why'd you turn Mormon all of a sudden? No, park was her last name. And that's where you had sex? Was in high school at 2 a.m. on a park bench? Sounds suspicious to me. Wow, somebody peaked.

Yeah. No, I had a living girlfriend. My mom let my girlfriend live. I thought you said living girlfriend, and I was like, I don't believe that. You fuck dead people. All right. Well, there you go.

Pat, be loyal. We met you here tonight. Pat, be loyal. He's on his way out. Pat B. Loyal. He's on Twitter at anything138. Love Lila Hart. It was Lila's Twitter.

L-I-L-A. You guys having fun out there? You get it? Clearly see anything can happen. We're two for two. People leaving the mic stand anywhere they want. Facing the wrong direction. Let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for Josh Gonzalez. Josh Gonzalez. Here he comes. It's fun. Nobody ever knows if they're going to get pulled out or win. Josh Gonzalez.

How's it going, everybody? I recently had an interview, and I thought it went great, so I went and bought some pants. By the way, which is the worst thing you could do if you're going to celebrate anything, buy pants. You know, you get a girl pregnant, buy some pants. And then... The baby's mind, goddammit, buy some pants.

Yeah. So yeah, and then unfortunately, the guy calls me. He's like, hey, man, you didn't get the job. So, but you know, you should buy some pants. That's, and then I was like, yeah, you're right. And I did buy some pants. And I wasn't very happy about the selection, because, I mean, they weren't any my size.

Thank you. There you go. Josh Gonzalez. Tony. Hell yeah. How's it going? All right. Nice to meet you.

This is your first time on the show I can't say the same thing Second, second Second time, would you talk about the first time you were on Shirts? No, it was just a bit about my mom having a tongue piercing In this one you just keep talking about pants Yeah You don't really do anything with it. You just talk about pants.

Pants help. Tony. Yes, Joel Berg. The victim said they were laughing at him, not with him. Yeah, unfortunately. You're right, man. Oh my god. Have you tried this material out anywhere else

before tonight? Yeah, but it doesn't go as great as this, but I think... I think you got to something. Yeah, you sounded insulted, where he's like, of course, that's my finely honed pants joke, everybody. How dare you? Yeah, something like that. How many different pairs of pants do you think you have?

Oh, quite a several, but I only, like, wear two. Like, do you have a whole spectrum of pants? You said quite a several, but I only wear it two. Do you have a whole spectrum of pants? You said quite a several. Several. I got just a lot. Just a lot of pants. You can't give me a ballpark on your pants amount? Yeah, sure.

I got some blue pants, and then I got some light blue pants. Okay, okay, I agree. I don't think you really understand the question, how many. If we keep talking about pants, I'm going to hang myself with a pair of pants. I got some really tight... It's okay, Josh. I'm not looking to buy pants from you right now.

It's incredible what's happening here. How old are you? 23. 23? In the waist? Let's talk more about pants. How old are you? 23. 23? Yes. Hell yeah. In the waist? Can I ask you... Let's talk more about pants. Do you have a girlfriend?

Not at the moment, no. Okay, I was really hoping I could do a who wears the pants joke, but... She's in the sisterhood of the traveling pants. Hey. That was a seamless transition. There we go. There we go. There we go. Josh, how do you make a living?

Well, I was working on a law firm before, but now I got fired because whenever they get mad at you, they make you pass out flyers at the courthouse, and I just went to the courthouse and just slept inside the telephone booth sometimes. I would hide because I'm not going to pass out. Slept in a telephone booth? Yeah, because they have these little booths to call, I don't know, I'm guessing the person. Wow, you're like lazy Superman.

Yeah. Just sleeping upright in a telephone booth, like a homeless vampire. What are you describing? So, yeah, I worked at the... I really liked him. I thought he was dry and funny. He has like a Ray Romano vibe to him. Yeah, Ray Romano.

Ray Romano's ever gone 60 seconds without a punchline. Give me a fucking break. What are you talking about? Ray Romano's hilarious. This guy's like, Hey, so I had to get them. And they make you happy. fucking brave. What are you talking about? Ray Romano is hilarious. This guy's like, pants. I had to get them. They make you happy.

So I did. It's like accidental comedy. I should say, I did find you inexplicably very delightful. You just talked about pants, but I was like, I didn't hate that. I didn't hate it. I didn't hate it.

He was likable, just not in the pocket. I loved your Netflix special, Nanette, right? Is that what they called it? Okay. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years, but consecutively maybe six, seven,

not that much. If you could go on and on about pants, if this wasn't restricted to a minute, how long do you think you would have gone on? Until they die of laughter? I don't know. Wow, you mean natural causes. Yeah. Really until they give me the fuck off.

I don't know. Holy shit. Josh, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? You're 23, you're one of the hip kids. What are you doing, Pokemon Go or something like that? No, I recently enjoyed... Oh, thank you. You let people have picnics on your chest?

Yeah. No, I like really smoking weed and watching movies. It's my favorite... You love smoking weed? I can't believe that. When you said that you slept in a phone booth, I thought you were sober and fully operational. I mean, I worked at a courthouse.

Smoking weed? What else? Smoking weed is just one thing. You're supposed to do something before and after smoking weed. Do they still have phone booths anywhere? Of course they do. What kind of a question is that? This guy's talking about dirty bush he's smoking.

This guy's talking about phone booths. What's going on? So, Josh, what else other than smoking weed? Hobbies or anything like that? You're 23. You're from L.A., right? No, I'm from Arizona. Phoenix, Arizona.

Oh, Arizona. So I came over here and then... Okay. It's all LA to me How are the pants out there, good? What's the pants seem like in Arizona? They fit Other than smoking weed

What else do you do? I sometimes hang out with my friends I really don't do much My favorite things to do is After this I'm probably going to go home. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait, what? I was just going to say,

I feel like it's a wasted segment. Oh, come on. It's already a waste joke out there, Chroma Cray. Let's bring this around. Where are you at with shorts? Just give me a quick take. When you hang out with your friends, what do you and your friends do?

Same shit We smoke weed Or no We kind of just hang out Detective Watkins We gotta get this guy off the stage Yes you're right I agree You're asking about pants and if he smokes weed

We get it you're a west man Pants you smoke weed. Goodbye. I'm trying to figure out if there's anything else, but it doesn't seem like there is. No, this well is dry. There he goes. Josh Gonzalez, everybody. I'm going to agree with the band.

This is the only show where the band tells the host what to do, but I'll take it. It's a very improvised show we have here. Okay, we know this guy. He's been on this show quite a few times. Really great comedian. Put your hands together for Matthew Maloney, everyone. Where the hell is he at? There he is.

This guy's been on maybe five, six, seven times before. Pretty sure he's here every single week. A real grinder on the scene for years now. Come on, one more time for Matthew Maloney, everybody. We're at the Comedy Store. Hey, guys.

My grandfather died two nights ago, and I can't believe I already got jokes about it, you know? Please don't feel bad about it, because he didn't pass away, you know? Only decent people get to pass away. He just died, because he was an asshole. Like, this is how my mother reacted to hearing that her father had just died. Alright. Okay.

Okay. Who? Alright I'll let him know Carl's dead She called him Carl His name was Dennis Incredible That's how it's done his name was Dennis incredible that's how it's done six punchlines

60 seconds Matthew Maloney knocking it out that's how it goes look at you there's a lot to look at you look somehow look like a baby and a guy you You somehow look like a baby and a guy you wouldn't want around a baby

at the same exact time. I never really figured out how you do it. I'm always waiting for you to start to look older, but, I mean, you're a big guy, but just a baby all the way around. Big, giant baby. You do any baby things? Like floaties or anything like that

when you go to a pool I cry a lot you're lying when was the last time you cried I've had a bad month man I feel like you cried when you found out there were going to be female Ghostbusters that would be my guess

I have a question GameStop Hagrid found out they're going to be female Ghostbusters. That would be my guess. I have a question, GameStop Hagrid. Did your grandfather really pass away? He did, but... Sorry to hear that, man. If it really was two days ago, that was really funny shit. It's been a while in actuality, but who gives a shit?

I was like, this is a little too polished, but he's actually just pulling this out. That's dope. Well, that's awesome. Are you close with your mom? Yeah. Yeah. Did she raise you alone, or was your dad there, too? Yeah, my dad's there.

Are they still together? Yeah. Man, what's your dad do for work? Then why did you come out like this? I mean, that's... What do you mean? You look like the product of a broken home is what I was trying to get at. This says that your parents were both trying to win your love with sweets, you know,

and then it just kind of escalated into this weird Cold War, and then here we are. You look like you were built inside of a Best Buy. Or Build-A-Bear. To answer your question, though, my dad is 6'9". Oh, shit. And my mom is not that tall, but pretty wide. So that's what's going on there. So your mother's a looker.

Man, what does your dad do? Works at fucking Verizon. A six foot nine man works at Verizon? I didn't know they had point guards at the Sprint store. That's what, a cell phone tower?

Joel Byrne. Joel Byrne. Alright, so Matthew, what else has been going on? It's been a few months Joel Byrne. Joel Byrne. All right. So, Matthew, what else has been going on? It's been a few months since we've seen you. How's comedy going? What's making you sad? What's going on in the world?

I've had a really fucking hard summer, man. Yeah. How hard? Like your arteries or what? What's been so hard about your summer other than the temperature going up? Not a lot of people watching your Fortnite stream. What's it been? My car broke down

and at the same time on the day I go to pay for the car I lost my wallet, and my bank won't accept my expired passport as an ID, and so I'm not able to pay for my fucking car. And as soon as that fucking mess gets dealt with, I shit you not, this Monday, I get into a car crash.

And her insurance tells me I'm 20% liable which is bullshit. What kind of car do you drive? A Toyota Prius. Next time, drive American. Do you have any plan on how you're going to find the money? Have you thought about a crowdfunding, like a GoFeedMe or something like that?

Do I look like Malcolm Hatchett? Whoa. Let's roast. Damn. Let's roast. Let's roast! Damn. Let's roast!

Shaped like you are, I'm not surprised you have beef, Matthew Maloney. Malcolm and I are tight. Wait, what? Oh, yes. Of course. Everything is tight on you, Matthew. Wow! You didn't even get to pay for the car and you got into another accident.

Yeah. So, fuck. Man. That's some bad luck. Do you believe in Jesus Christ? What kind of accident was it? You look like you've taken a few T-bones down. It was a T-bone.

She fucking rear-ended. She pulled out of a driveway that wasn't even her driveway and just fucking smashed right into the side of my car. What ethnicity was this broad? White blonde from Georgia. Oh. Oh. Checks out.

Sir? Are you going to be alright? No, I'm going to be fine What's the plan? How are you going to get out of this one? I called my insurance today And they said, said Matthew you are 100% not liable and so apparently yeah

it wasn't my fault a victory for the white man that's what I've been saying the whole time you guys have had it bad how long has it been? Two weeks? Three Wow What's your insurance company?

Triple A Wow I didn't realize Can I mention something Tony? Oh boy Usually when people ask like that I don't really want them to. I end up regretting it, but sure, go ahead. I've been on six times, Tony,

and you've never asked me if I've had any special skills. Well, I love that, first of all. Let it be known on this show, for those of you that listen to it, everybody always says it was great to get on your show. I listen to it all the time, blah, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, like even, what was it, in Montreal, it was the one guy that I didn't ask how long he's been doing stand-up. It turns out it was his first time.

You know, if you ever have anything great that you think is entertaining anyone, feel free to always float it out there. So I like what you did there, Matthew. And sure, do you happen to have any special skills or talents other than comedy and hot dog eating? I do, Tony. Yes, what is it, Matthew? I am a master certified

scuba diver. Get the fuck out of here. Are you serious? I am. You don't just float? I require a lot of weights. Is that true? Yeah. How long have you been doing that for?

Fucking shit. Like eight years maybe? My dad, besides Verizon, his side gig, he trains scuba divers. Wow, that's deep. Man, scuba divers. Wow, that's deep. Man, scuba diving. Well, thank you for mentioning that. What's the craziest thing you've seen scuba diving or craziest place you've gone?

I mean, the most beautiful Hawaii, but craziest thing I've seen, a glass-bottom boat wreck. Wow. Yeah. Yeah? What'd you do? I went through the hole in the boat. Uh-huh. Then what happened?

I made it all the way through. I know you're looking for, like, a Winnie the Pooh stuck in the hole situation. I thought you were going to say they sent you out as the raft. Okay, that's where I lose you. Boo. All right, Matthew. Well, there you go. I absolutely love it.

Send me a picture of you scuba diving sometime. That sounds hilarious. Be careful out there. Imagine him in a scuba diving fucking outfit. They'll just fucking... SeaWorld's gonna try to keep him in a tank. Because he's fat. I can relate to Matthew.

That one was... I had a rough week as well. Came home, the rhubarb pie wasn't ready. I smacked my wife right across the face. Said never let that happen again, you see. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for K.J. Robinson. K.J. Robinson.

He's coming. The far coming Part of the comedy store It's a great night Feels like a fun Monday to me I don't know how you guys feel One more time for KJ Robinson Everyone Sup time for KJ Robinson, everyone. What's up?

Damn, it's a lot of white people. I'm enjoying the white civil war that Donald Trump done created. I'm enjoying that right now. I'm enjoying it because I like the sides. Like one side, you got racist white people, right? And then. Like one side, you got racist white people, right?

And then on the other side, you got white people that don't know they racist. The shit is hilarious. It's great. I like it because Donald Trump is actually bringing people together. You know, he bringing everybody together. He bringing black people, white people. We all coming together because we hate one motherfucker. That is beautiful.

You know what that means, right? That means it's just going to be a whole bunch of white people at black barbecues for the rest of the summer with fucked up mac and cheese. You know, the mac and cheese is going to be so terrible, some dude's uncle going to come out. Who the hell done made the mac and cheese with the cheese on the side? Who the fuck done put the cheese on the side? Who is doing that shit?

KJ Robinson, everyone. All right, thank you. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. You know, two nights ago, I was in Montreal doing my friend Big J. Oakerson's show, and who pops in?

Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart came in and crushed, and KJ, I want to say, you remind me of Kevin Hart if he was at like 8% that night. Yeah, that's familiar. Thank you. Appreciate that. Actually, I loved everything you said. You're talking about fucking cool stuff, smart stuff. Connor, what's going on over there?

You got the mic up? Oh, yeah. No, yeah. Tell us more about this white civil war. It was interesting. I think you're right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, it's just funny paying attention to the political climate right now because you've got so many different people just very angry right now.

It is true. Even the people you don't think are racist sometimes can be super racist. Like, for example, I remember this one time I was doing this show and someone got into a car accident and someone asked what type of person was she. And the comedian said that it was a blonde white girl from Georgia, and the person just backed down completely like they were going to make a joke. But then they realized it was a perfect specimen. Tony, I can't put my finger on this. But there's something about this guy I don't like.

But there's something about this guy, I don't like. Well, old-timey detective, I don't know what it could possibly be. I can't figure it out. KJ? Yeah? Is that it, detective? What do you think? You going to study the case a little bit more? A little more, a little more.

KJ, where are you from? Detroit, originally. Hell yeah. How long have you been out here? Two weeks. Two weeks. Do you move here? Kind of, yeah. What does kind of mean? Yeah, what do you mean by kind of? I'm thinking about it. I'm scouting. Oh, okay. Have you scouted other places or just here? A couple other open mics and different shows and whatnot. No, I mean like other cities to move to. Oh, Denver, yeah, yeah, yeah. Denver? That's a nice place. Denver's pretty cool.

I like that city. Yeah, Denver's a lovely place. I don't like how when he make a comment, he looking at my ass all the time. I think Detective Watkins is just trying to get you to move to Denver because he doesn't want your kind here, if you know what I'm saying. What are you talking about? Not my kind. Denver is a beautiful place. Did the altitude affect you at all? No.

Alright. So what have you liked and not liked about the last two? What kind of joke is that? It wasn't a joke. I thought for sure Tony was going to do an I can't breathe thing. I'm glad that we're all about that. You guys could have jumped in at any point.

I don't have to do all the punchlines up here Alright That's super weird I was just curious if the altitude affected him That's a very real thing Denver's very high up Wait a second I just figured it out This guy's black

This podcast has just turned into a conversation With your mom where you're out of shit to talk about. Right. Yeah, mom, I went to Denver. That was the altitude up there. And it's like, oh, jeez. How long have you been doing stand-up, KJ? Seriously, for about five years.

Five years. You got two weeks here. Where are you staying while you're here? Do you have your own place? I'm in Corona. In Corona. Corona. I know. That's by where I'm from. Oh,'m in Corona. Corona? I know that's by where

I'm from. Oh yeah? Corona. I used to work at the Old Navy in Corona. Oh, I haven't found that place yet. I think you're alright. I don't know how big of a hit you would be at the Old Navy in Corona. Connor, you used to work at the Old

Navy in Corona? Yeah, I did. That's crazy because you look like you used to work at the Old Navy in Corona? Yeah, I did. That's crazy because you look like you used to work at the Old Navy in Corona. Yeah. So aren't you glad you drove two and a half hours to get here for this? Yeah, kind of. Yeah, it took me about like an hour. Is it a friend or a relative that you're staying with or you just got a cheap deal on Airbnb? No, I'm up there with my girl.

Oh, okay. So you have a girl that you met while you were in Detroit that lives in Corona. Yes. She moved from Detroit to Corona. She moved to the Detroit of California. Is that what it is? You guys knew each other in Detroit? How long have you been with her?

It's been a couple years. Okay. What does she do? She's a stylist. She does hair and makeup. Very cool. You're actually debating on just leaving her out here? You're just like, oh, babe, I just got to shop a few more

cities, see what I'm into, and then I'm going to make a decision. Who are you, LeBron James? I wish. That didn't work because he's black. That's so fucking crazy. I'd have made it tense up here. Oh, you fucks. This is such a weird climate we live in.

I would have said that if it was an Asian guy. Where are you, shopping cities? Where are you, LeBron James? Oh, you fucks. Hey, Tony, it feels like none of us have talked to a black guy before. That's how this interview is going. So do you breathe different air

whenever you're up in the altitude? Is it true that there's a different muscle in the calf? What's going on? Do you eat the same food that us whities eat? What's going on with you, pal? I want to hear the answer to all those questions. Let me ask you this one. The mac and cheese, yes.

Is there anything that you miss about Detroit or that you think you would miss other than family or friends or whatever? Other than family? I don't know. The gunshots at night. Y'all got that out here, too. Yeah, we do. That is true.

It's just warm when it happens. It's just beautiful weather around the caves. We're going to Detroit on September 22nd. We're doing a crazy show there at the Detroit Motor City Festival with our guest, Danny Brown. Sweet. I do. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Danny Brown is dope. That's just an hour and a half or so away from Grand Rapids and Lansing, which we're doing the two days before that. Sweet. You said you're doing the two days before that. Sweet. You said you're doing the Motor City Comedy Fest? Yeah, this is just my way of getting back at the people that fast forward through the ads at the beginning. Mentioning dates in the smack dab middle of an interview. Yeah, the Comedy Fest is dope. Shout out to the Comedy Fest.

I have a question inspired by some of the racially heated remarks that have been made in your white Civil War comment. No, not you. Mostly from the detectives. So is there anything that you think that white people can do to be better white people? If you had one thing that you could be a little, like, advice, what would you pass on? Great question. Stick to your guns. Don't change.

Stay set in your ways. You'll be great. Yeah, exactly. Stay the course. Stay white. That's. You'll be great. Exactly. Stay the course. Stay white. That's it. I got to say, you don't have to answer this question. I was wondering when they was going to let you talk.

They not really. I don't even get paid. Yeah. We normally don't. This is like a get out situation. Oh, my God. It's one of those. Watch out. Get right now Get out

Blood's coming down my nose You guys I voted for Obama both times Okay come on Alright KJ What scares you? Are you afraid of anything? Does anything scare you? Like I always

Okay Anything? Does anything scare you? Like I always... Okay. All right. Good God. Everybody, yeah. That's going to make sure we never get corporate work anywhere. Yeah. I'm the president of NBC.

I want to sign Kill Tony to a super deal. Yeah, I can't believe the only sponsor is... Mr. President, we have this one clip of a guy named KJ Robinson that we think is going to get us in a little trouble I'm fucked then, dude What scares you? Besides the police

Besides Besides that Blue cheese Wow That's something I can get behind Quality guy right here Do you like cheese in general Blue cheese. Wow. Interesting, right? Yeah. That's something I can get behind. That's a quality guy right here. Do you like cheese in general or just blue cheese because it's a little blue?

Yeah, I like cheese. That's exactly why. I like cheese. But you have a phobia of blue cheese. I don't have a phobia. It's because it sort of has that footy type of cheese. It's just a weird looking ass cheese. It's the look of it.

It's actually the appearance. It's bubbly. Cheese shouldn't be bubbly like that. I don't like... Maybe it's just I'm getting it from Buffalo Wild Wings. Maybe that's why. Yeah, it's different. Sorry, B-dubs. Jesus, there's some angry ranch man in the back.

Fuck you, cocksucker. All right, KJ. We're going to keep it moving along. There he goes. KJ Robinson. Here we go. Did you ask your question? The thing you were afraid to ask? What do you mean?

When you said you don't have to ask this. Did you ask that? I said you don't have to answer this. Yeah, what was it? Did you ask it? No, I didn't ask it. Hold on, hold on. KJ, yeah. What was it? Did you ask it? No, I didn't ask it. Hold on, hold on. KJ, come back up here. You want to ask it still?

Can I get you to ask it? No, yeah. No, I asked a question, and Willie said you don't have to answer that. And then I felt like a real asshole. Oh, okay. Wait, what? All right, never mind. Did you ask him?

Guys, we had a clean dismount, and then you brought him back. Yeah, I got it, Jeremiah. Thank you. Miracles still could happen if we don't shit on it now. Well, when you were asking me about this girl, when you were really going down, what does she do? Where is she from? I thought you were going to get to the obvious question,

which is, what race is she? I was waiting for that, too. All right, perfect. I love it. It wasn't an obvious question to me. Let's do it. What race is she? This is one of my favorite games here in Kill Tony. It's called What Race Is She? I want to guess.

I want you to guess. Yeah, please guess. I feel like it's a black lady. And I will guess as well. I'm going to say Detroit. I'm looking at you, KJ. And I'm going to go black lady. I want to guess, too.

I think it was to go black lady. I want to guess too. I think it was a chunky white lady. I want to say it's a gothy white chick. Damn. What do the detectives like to guess? I know when to bow out of a bad segment. That bad segment got a huge applause break. Sweet.

She is Caucasian and Italian. That's why he's scouting other cities. Because Caucasians are everywhere! So no one told you life was gonna be this way. But I have a follow-up. I was so confident she was white that I had only that song. It's true.

So when you said you don't like, totally not the black person song right there that I'm looking at. You're right. He only had the Friends theme. Oh, my God. That was from when he first got caught on stage. All right.

That was awesome. K.J. Robinson. There he goes. We're going to stick with it. We're going to keep it moving along. It's one of the longest interviews we've had in a while. That was half right. We didn't find out if she was a thicker milkshake.

Should we find out? Get back up. Give us... KJ, just yell it from there. If you had to guess her weight, what would you say? Okay, I got it. I'll translate. Was she big?

Is she a big? Is she a bigger girl? Oh, we got the walkway. That's the line right there. We finally crossed the line. It was a hot summer Monday night. A night that no one would ever forget. The night that Kill Tony jumped the shark.

I'm sure she's a princess. That's KJ laughing. For those of you groaning, that was KJ. I can hear KJ laughing, you fucking haters. These people just can't wait to write a fucking blog about something in here. Here's why I think it's not fair. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Mackenzie Goodwin.

Yeah. This show's chaos if you haven't noticed. Anything can happen. This person might not even be here. That's how crazy this show is. I don't even see anyone coming to the stage. Blacklisted.

Wow, poor Mackenzie. There you go. I blended up my meat and I'm drinking meat. Are you for real? Save it for your own podcast. Is that a pickle jar that you're drinking out of? Welcome back to drinking meat with Brian Redbent. And almond milk.

Very good, Brian. I'm glad you were able to slide that into this episode. This weirdo needs to be institutionalized. Wait, are you actually drinking meat? Oh, don't double draw to it, Connor. That's a Mean Boys podcast. Have them on Mean Boys. Talk about them drinking meat on that.

Put your hands together for Kyle Clippinger. Kyle Clippinger. Kyle Clippinger. Kyle Clippinger. This sounds like a new name. I don't think we've had Kyle on before. This is very exciting. Maybe we have. This guy seems very excited over here.

One more time for Kyle Clippinger, everyone. Hey, I grew up in a house infested with mice. And honestly, I didn't know you weren't supposed to have mice for like a long time. I think if you had a house that came with mice. Like really, dude. People would come over and be like, oh shit, there's a mouse. It's like, yeah, dude, there's a roof, fucking door, window, fucking idiot. Like you don't have mice?

It's like, no. Well, get a bag, dude. I'll fill you up, take them home them home spread them around get your shit together uh dude nobody no i live in a mexican neighborhood no one has a job they just like walk around try to sell me shit like bank cargo shorts like fucking i go here they're trying to sell me bluetooth it's bad dude i have dreams of cholos trying to sell me dreams in my dreams. Like, I'll be having a cool dream, dude, and flying. This guy just flies up next to me.

He's like, hey, fool, you trying to buy a dream? I'm like, no, I'm in a dream. He's like, I got naked lady dreams, fool. Titties, asses, panochas. I got it all. Let's go. No, I'm in a dream. I don't need a dream.

Fuck yeah. All right, Kyle. Let's get into it. This is your first time on the show, right? Yep. And you just started stand-up comedy. I'm going to go off on some guesses here. I'm going to go off my instincts. You just started stand-up about four to six months ago,

and before that you were playing music in a band, but you don't want to do that anymore. Am I correct? No. No, I think he raped his way out of competitive surfing. That's my guess. How long have you been doing stand-up, Kyle? Two years. A couple years, but I'm trying to, like, I'm starting to

get into it more right now. Yeah. Why now and not before? No, like, I try, dude. I just work too much. What do you do? I just fucking survive. This is not the voice of someone who has worked hard ever. I like i try dude but like i'm just like too busy man i mean waves aren't gonna fucking catch themselves dude yeah normally when uh when you ask somebody what they do that works so hard the first three words aren't i just fucking yeah like my dad's got me

coming in like three days a week man i'm. Dude, I've been working so fucking much, dude. Dude, I've been Twitch streaming around the clock, and I'm still not making headway, but I believe I'm going to get there, all right? I work six days a week. I just, all I do is lift shit, dude. I lift, all I get is, like. Why do you still look very bad? I don't know. Like, in what way?

You just have no muscle tone. This is, like, what are you lifting? What are you lifting? What are you lifting? Right now Bags of cement Drive forklifts Wow Did you

Lots of cement I think you got insecure By us guessing Your work ethic And you just tried to think Of the most difficult thing You could On the fly

Like yeah lifting like Cement and like Iron rods Why is driving a forklift A brag? It's like It's a machine. It does the lifting for you.

Yeah, dude. Yeah, if you have to get like a food handlers or a forklift, any job that requires a special license is not worth having, I don't think. You operate a lot of heavy machinery. Yeah. Oh, wait, you're fucking KJ's girlfriend?

Am I right, everybody? Okay, Connor. Have a sip of your water or something. Kyle, so let's talk about it. What ethnicity are you? My mom's Mexican and my dad's German. Your mom's Mexican and your dad's German. You ended up somehow with the whitest white guy name ever, Kyle Clippinger.

Must be nice. You don't really look like that. For you podcast listeners, he looks like if Mars Volta only ate Mars candy Am I fat? Yeah a little bit you're getting there Kyle How old are you 26? Nailed it? Damn motherfucking right I did

Wow how long have you been lifting heavy stuff It doesn't seem like long Dude you're bumming me out a little bit I didn't know I was getting fat You didn't know? No I feel like people are kind of pushing it in there Oh no Dude, you're bumming me out a little bit. I didn't know I was getting fat. You didn't know? No. I feel like people are kind of pushing it in there. Oh, no.

Yeah. Yeah. Wait, turn to the side. You're not fat. No, you're not fat. You're not fat. You look like you just have a upper... Your chest is a little muscular.

It's from lifting. You're going to get fat. Yeah, I will, but... Yeah but Just shape like you're gonna get fat This boy needs a hair cutter This girl needs to grow some tits Man So where you from? San Diego

No way Yeah dude I just fucking I just fucking drove here dude I live up here. Oh, you do? Yeah. How long have you lived up here? Probably like five years.

Five years. Your parents still in San Diego? Yeah. Right. Does altitude affect you? What made you come up here and leave San Diego if you were just going to get in the business of lifting stuff? No, I just didn't want to live there anymore. I probably will go back one day, maybe not.

I don't know. I just wanted to leave, you know? You close with your parents? Yeah. Yeah. You don't like your German dad that much? He's cool. Why are you playing with your hair all of a sudden?

I know, you did that shit like Tony was about to ask you out on a date, like, yeah, that's cool. I was like, dude, I feel like somebody's... I don't know. I mean, German dads can probably be sort of tough guys, right? He's kind of just a regular white guy. Really? Yeah.

The best kind. Yeah. Was it weird having a German dad? Did you ever have to hide in the attic from him or anything like that? We hid sometimes. Huh? We had to hide in the attic from him or anything like that? We hid sometimes. Huh? We had to hide sometimes. Yeah, I bet.

Usually when he would try to make you shower, right? Okie dokie. It'd be funnier if he was half Jewish, half German. But he's half German, half Mexican. So that means you can fit a lot of your family into a really nice car. Yeah. Mexican. So that means you can fit a lot of your family into a really nice car. Yeah. You just kind of look like a homeless guy who spends all his money on hair care products. You know, like you just prioritize poorly.

Yeah, that's the heavy machinery that you're lifting. These fucking bangs, dude. When you said the mice joke, did you really have mice growing up? Yeah. A lot of them? Yeah, that's real. There's another comment that said pants a lot, but you said mice a lot. And we see the difference in how funny those words are.

Pants is a lot funnier than mice. Well... It is true. It's sort of sad that you grew up in a house with a lot of mice. What did your German dad do for work? He was a cop. Well, he was a cop for a while, and then he broke his back. What precinct?

San Diego PD? Yeah, San Diego PD. Wow, and now he's not a cop. Well, he's retiring. He broke his back. He was in SWAT, and then he broke his back in SWAT. How did he break his back? I honestly have no... When my wife doesn't have dinner on the table, call me.

Yeah, dad was just like lifting too much shit, man. I mean, he just... Jeremiah motherfucking Watkins. Out of control. Oh, shit. So he was a cop. So you guys were sort of, you know, that's sort of a tough thing to make a complete living on, right? And that's why you guys had mice where you raised sort of poor and your mom didn't work?

No, this. Mexican mom not working? Stay-at-home Mexican mom? Yeah, but, like, all right. So we grew up in, like, East San Diego. So, like, it's, like, rednecks and all this shit. Yeah. And so people just have horses and, like, you don't even have to be able to take care of them.

They got horses. And then some mice just kind of are everywhere, you know? Oh, I got you. Yeah. Horses make the mice. Well, it's field mice. They're not, like, regular mice. They're, like, field mice.

So, like, it gets hot outside, and they're, like, getting in everybody's houses. Well, I only like house mice. Field mice, house. All right. Never mind. We're going to. Okay. All right. house mice. Field mice, house... Alright, never mind. Alright.

You might, in that joke, want to explain that somehow, like how you grew up so much with mice that you thought everyone did, because you kind of hint at it. All they had was clearly a zoo books about mice because you had so many fucking mice facts ready to go. I just felt like you knew too much about mice.

Kyle, what do you do when you're not doing stand-up or working? You say that you work a lot of the time. Yeah, six days a week. I draw. I fish. I like going to the beach. Really? You actually fish?

Yeah. Where do you fish in Los Angeles? I don't fish in Los Angeles. Well, in San Diego, there's a lot of lakes. And then I know somebody who has a boat, so we go fish in the ocean. Who do you know that has a boat? My roommate. His dad has a boat.

Not him. So you live on a boat. That's what I'm picking up here. You do seem like you'd be a houseboat guy. I'd be into it. What's so great is that you have so many hobbies, but they're like the laziest hobbies. Like, oh, I fish, I surf. What do you draw?

Cartoons. Okay, what kind of porn is it? Are you the guy that does Marge Simpson getting gang bangs on the pop-ups and Pornhub? Like, what's your niche? No, there's probably some good money in that, though. There probably is. Let's keep this fun train moving along. There he goes.

No more Mr. Mice Guy. Kyle Klippinger, everyone. Yeah. Let's do something fun. On this show, we have a regular every single week. He performs, writes, and performs a brand new minute for us all and everyone across the Internet, around the world. And last week, he wasn't here.

He's been on the road working a lot, and now he's back. Put your hands together for the great and powerful Malcolm Hatchet. Yeah. Hell yeah. What's up? All right. Cool. I was back home in North Carolina, and it's crazy how a little bit of success will change everybody. Because, you know, the day I was trying to move to Los Angeles, I needed a ride to the Greyhound Station. I called three generations of hatchets. Ain't nobody answer the phone. Soon as I land, now when I land,

everybody my cousin. I got to the airport. They was like, hey, what's up, cousin? Hey, cousin. Cousin, I'm proud of you, cousin. I knew you could do it was like hey what's up cousin hey cousin cousin I'm proud of you cousin I knew you could do it cuz you crazy I didn't know I was related to Asian people come on Lee let's get out of here you must be on my daddy's side even my mama changed man mama used to be mean as hell. Now she nice. Went home, she was like, baby, I'm so proud of you.

Can't believe you left. Yeah, you can. You threw me out the house. Boom. Malcolm motherfucking Hatchet. Talking about going and visiting his family in North Carolina, which is where you were last week, right? Last Monday?

Yeah. Yep. And now he's back with a brand new minute. Is this your first time seeing Malcolm do stand-up? This is my first time seeing him do stand-up, and it was great. I've heard great things, and I love that you're feeling that, because I'm from Alabama. Yeah, hell yeah.

So when I go back home, it's like, yeah, this red carpet's being thrown Alabama yeah you know so when I go back home is like yeah this red carp is being thrown out you know my dad yeah my dad who I have never seen my entire life shows up you know like who are you I'm not Darryl like no I don't know yeah I think you should get like more more get into it more with the examples you know niceties a little bit your parents haven't hit you up for money yet have have they? Nah, nah, but people have, though. Like, what do they say?

They say, hey, man, I see you on Instagram. Let me get $20. For real. See you on Instagram. Just outside the internet like this. I see the sign that say Hollywood. You got it. That is awesome.

So you had fun when you were out there? Yeah, it was real cool. What else went on out there? Anything else? I went to a family reunion. I was there for real quick, then I dipped. I had a cookout. It's a popular restaurant.

I had that shit like four times, dog. In three days, it was so good. And then my brother just had a baby yesterday. It's a popular restaurant. I had that shit like four times, dog, in three days. It was so good. And then my brother just had a baby yesterday. Oh, wow. I'm an uncle. That's cool. Hell yeah. Yeah, I pulled up Malcolm's Instagram, and it doesn't look like he has 20 extra dollars.

Yeah. Keep strolling. I'm just kidding. I love that. You did some gigs with Theo. Yeah, Theo. How was that It was tight

Sold out They trying to get y'all To come out of North Carolina So let's go We gotta go Yeah that was Everybody knew me from Kill Tony It was crazy

Yeah That was nice It was real cool Yeah you're fucking You just Everyone wants you to make it Cause you're so fucking lovable You know

You guys are just like Yeah everyone knew me from Kill Tony. It was so sweet. And you guys were all just like, oh, man, good for him. Like, it's very, you're like inspiring. You're wearing a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Halloween costume, and you're still fucking killing. He wears a different Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Halloween costume every week. It's not really the costume.

It's him. He turns everything into a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. He is that. Yeah, it's 90s Will Smith. It's not really the costume. It's him. He turns everything into a Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Yeah, it's 90s Will Smith. It's fucking awesome. He makes us all look like his Carlton. What are these references you keep talking about? Alright. Well, Malcolm, everything

else is good. Anything else crazy you want to talk about? Another day at the office here. Just happy to be back. This is cool. I know that you love comedy, and I love it. I've been doing it for 10 years. Actually, I hate it now. You get bitter when you start doing it for a long

time, and I love that you still love to do it. Have you ever been stifled on money yet? As far as gigs? You don't care if you get paid or not? At one point, I didn't care at all. Now, it's as gigs? Nah, I don't mean to give them the fuck. Yeah, I know. You don't care if you get paid or not? At one point, I didn't care at all. Now it's just like, money's just,

I don't be caring. I still sleep in the car, so I don't be caring. I just want to perform. That's beautiful. Yeah. Hell yeah. Give it up for that.

And that is the, there's no doubt that there's, you know, a rhythm of thinking that way and, you know, success coming. Pay me in candy. Don't tell people that, Malcolm.

Have them pay you in money. You can buy the candy later. You guys gotta stop. You're gonna kill Malcolm. He showed up with like 12 packs of Sour Patches today. Thank you. Those are a lot of Sour Patch kids. She knows me.

Hit him up on Instagram. Yo, let me get a Sour Patch kid. Alright, there he is. He's a goddamn anomaly right here in front of you, the great Malcolm Hatchet. Another brand new killer minute. So fun. Fuck yeah. Big packed crazy crowd out there for Secret Guests on a Monday.

You guys having fun? It's a fun one tonight. It's exciting. How disappointed are you that I'm the secret guest? Alright. Wow. Jesus. Who said that? Who the fuck was that?

It's the damn ranch boy again. God. Alright. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Chris C. Alright. Is that a real person? Here he comes. God. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Chris C. All right. Is that a real person? Here he comes. Chris C.

Hell yeah. Shit, didn't expect that. We got a systemic issue going on in this country. And white people, you know what I'm talking about, right? We got to talk about it. You see it online, you see it everywhere, right? White people, you got to let black people know before you take a picture. All right?

You got us out here looking like Cheshire Cats. You know what I'm saying? You got me out here looking like Don Cheadle. You know what I'm saying? You put an Instagram hashtag, like Don Cheadle. You know what I'm saying? You put an Instagram hashtag, Don Cheadle. There's only one Don Cheadle. All right? Yeah, you don't have to laugh at that.

I'll laugh at that later. You know what I'm saying? It's crazy. Like, the 405, why does it take 20 years to get everywhere in this country? Especially in L.A. It takes 20 years to get everywhere. You know what I'm saying? I told my cousin to pick me up.

When he got to me, he was 20 years old. He picked me up. I was like, what the hell is going on? I'm bombing like a motherfucker up this motherfucker. God damn. I know I'm funnier than this shit. God damn, this is a terrible time to come up here and fuck up. Okay?

Anyway, I'm fucking up, but I'm going to make it look good. Okay? At the end of the day, if you got to fuck it up, make it look good. If you're going to fall, you know, fall with grace. Fuck it. Okay. I'm make it look good. If you're going to fall, you know, fall with grace. Fuck it. Okay. I'm excited about this one. I'm excited.

Very rarely do I take physical notes, but I wanted to make sure that I wrote down exactly so that I don't miss anything here. Right. And then, alright, so let me tell you where you went wrong. Tell me where I went wrong. I didn't really catch the beginning part. I don't think I had to.

But when I came out of whatever I was thinking about, I heard traffic takes forever out here in LA. Which is like, you know, we know that. You said it takes like 20 years to get anywhere.

I called my cousin. And by the time he came and picked me up, he was 20 years old. Right. That means that you would have had to call your just born cousin. Right. Right. Like a newborn baby. Like, hey, baby, come pick me up.

And then 20 years later. Exactly. It would also mean that you waited 20 years for the baby to pick you up. Right. Like you just stayed in the same spot. Like, well, I've been waiting this long now. Yeah. Could be any goddamn minute. Exactly. It would also mean that you waited 20 years for the baby to pick you up. Right. Like, you just stayed in the same spot. Like, well, I've been waiting this long now. Yeah. Could be any goddamn thing.

Exactly. Night after night, year after year. Right. You know, so that's sort of, like, unbelievable. Yeah, it is unbelievable. I agree with that. And that the baby would remember. Right.

In traffic, the baby would remember. The baby would be like, I remember my first memory. In traffic, the baby would remember. He would be like, I remember my first memory. It was my cousin called me and told me to pick him up just off of the 405. He told me to take the 405. I remember that. Then he found you 20 years later.

Like my theory would be maybe traffic wasn't even that bad on the 405. Maybe it was just the baby like recollecting. And maybe it was 19 years, 11 months, 30 days and the baby's like, oh shit! I forgot to pick up my question. Right. Exactly. Exactly. I can't disagree with that. I do like that the baby got a learner's permit at 16 and was like, I'm waiting

four more years before I pick you up. I don't disagree with nothing you said right now. I love it. Please don't disagree with anything that I say the entire time. Most people don't. It goes well for them. Exactly. Jesus Christ. Chris, you're a likable dude. Where are you from? I'm from LA. I'm from West LA. Heck yeah. Yeah, Englewood. And what do you consider West LA? Culver City? Yeah, like Englewood,

Culver City area. That's where i'm from so very cool and how old are you i'm 31 31 yeah how long you been on stand-up uh like two years i'm an improv guy but i've been an improv guy yeah get him so that's why you said you can't disagree with that that's exactly why i just said you're right. Yeah, you're right. Because literally, you can't disagree. I can't disagree. I took the improviser's oath. Yeah.

You're dressed like Pat Kanye right now. Has anyone told you that? It's funny. That's funny. I have on bootleg Yeezys right now. Bootleg Yeezys. It's Kanye West LA. Right, right.

West LA Yeezy. Yeah. You're not wrong about that. Hobo Yeezy. I don't know. How did you feel internally when you gave up? I felt like it was a wrong idea to drink that Patron. Bad idea.

Did you think about asking the crowd for a suggestion? I probably should have. I probably should have said, where am I on this stage? But I specifically, no, Detective Watkins. Right. Everything's timing and the time has passed. I specifically wrote down the exact order of words. By the time he picked me up, I was 20 years old.

Right. I'm bombing like a motherfucker. Right. At that point, just call it out. Right. That was the improv. Yeah, no, that was the improv coming to save you. At that point, just call this shit out. When things go bad, you can just go, this isn't going well. Right. At this point, just call it out. Right. That was the improv. Yeah, no, that was the improv coming to save you. At that point, just call this shit out.

When things go bad, you can just go, this isn't going well. Right. At this point, there you go. Hell yeah. So where'd you take improv courses at? Second City, UCB. Second City. So yeah, I graduated Second City, and I'm at UCB.

I got a scholarship, whatever. What'd they give you a scholarship for? How do you get a scholarship? You got to be doing stuff in improv community community and then audition sort of with an interview and then they give it to you. Interesting. So what do you think made them give it to you? I mean, I'm a good improviser. Affirmative action. Affirmative action!

He's not wrong about that. Oh, he's Mexican. He can say that. Can we put you on the spot to do some improv right now? Do you think that could work? You guys want to see some of Chris C's improv? Sure. Is that okay? That's okay. Can you give us a little showcase? I'll give you a showcase. All right, sure.

Go ahead. What do you want us to do? Let's see. Let's see. Give me a suggestion of something that fits on this stage. Sure. Why don't you guys go ahead and give them something in the audience. An elephant?

What was it? Go them something in the audience. An elephant. What was it? Go over here to the audience. I don't want the comedians to. I know, I know. This is their chance to prove that they're funny. What was the? Elephants and 17 cakes. Elephants and 17 cakes.

Ladies and gentlemen, doing a little improvisation for you. It's Chrissy. Right. Welcome to the Elephants and 17 Cakes. You're entering into the theme park here. It's going to be $10. I'm going to be the guy walking in the theme park. Damn, these elephants is big as fuck.

Damn, what the fuck? Oh, man. Why would they charge $10 for this shit? I can look at this shit on Discovery Channel. Wow. There you go. Wow. There you go.

Improv. Usually you need another person to yes and. Hold on, Jeremiah. Yeah, you definitely did. Let's do a scene together oh wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute can i say something jeremiah jeremiah walkins jeremiah walkins i were both on uh judge joe ross okay so i did improv on there so i want to do all right chris you don't you didn't need to say that part okay you really

killed the momentum. Jeremiah Watkins, our favorite improv guru. Everybody is going to join him. All right. And maybe Jeremiah will show you how somebody who took the non-scholarship program does improv. I need a new suggestion. New suggestion coming from directly from. Location, please.

Dick Tracy. I said of a location, retard. The scene of the crime. Dick Tracy is not a location. It's a person. A dark alley. A dark alley? A dark alley.

All right. Whoa, sir, I don't want any trouble. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Give me a chance here, alright? I was raised by white parents. I can understand you a little bit. Alright? I'm not going to rob you. You look like my uncle.

Alright? Shit. Alright, I'll give you a shot. Do you need directions? What do you need? Yeah, I just wanna know, where, how do I get to the comedy store? You know what? I'm gonna go with you. Oh, yeah, sure. Let's go.

Now, here's the thing. All right, what's the thing? I don't like you. You don't like me? Why? I don't like you. Why don't you like me? The way you came at me for directions.

Like a black person would? No, running at me. That was a soft jog. Nobody runs at me. That was a soft jog. That wasn't a run. Nobody runs at anybody for directions. That was a soft jog your way.

You remind me of my uncle. Why are you starting to talk like me wasn't a run. That was a soft jog your way. You remind me of my uncle. Why are you starting to talk like me? Wait a second. You said I look like your uncle. You look like my uncle. I haven't seen him in... Son, I am your uncle. The hell?

Tommy? Tommy Timothy. Your dad was a deadbeat. He was. He was. I only saw you in pictures. I'm here to take care of you now, sir. Can we go to the comedy store?

We're going to go to the comedy store. And see Kill fucking Tony? We'll see Kill Tony and make dreams come true tonight. Thanks, Uncle. Thank you, Tony. Wow. Thank you. He found his uncle, Tommy Timothy.

Thank you I have to say Chris You are a lot funnier with Jeremiah Doing that with you Well that was awesome man Congratulations, fun times There he goes, Chris C everybody First ever That's our first ever time

Doing an improv Showcase there for a little bit. How about one more time for the great Jeremiah Watkins, huh? Yeah. You had me at whoa. All right. Here we go. This looks like a new name.

Let's make some noise for Tatten and Budsy. Tatten, Tatten and Budsy. Tatten. Here we go. Let's do this. Hi. Hi. My name's Chuck. I'm a white comedian.

And I just want to say how glad I am to be here with my fellow white brothers. Am I right? Give me a high five, white brother. Yeah. You know what the problem is? No, my white brothers listening, we're so oppressed. You know what I mean?

We're so oppressed. Anytime I want to talk about race it's racism death if I want to hang out with a girl it's me too this you know what the irony of it is the only people who understand what we feel as white comedians

are the niggers yes you can my white sister. Tatin, hello. All right, here we go. What did the Teen Titans do to make you this angry? Well, look, I've just... You know, in this business, there's just not enough white people. When you said the N-word, everyone reacted as if you actually were white when you said it. Everyone was like, whoa, he's a white guy.

He can't say that if he's in white face. White people can say that. Say it with me. What are you talking about? This guy is white. Oh, my God, he's not white. Taten, have you been on the show before? Yes, I have.

How recently? Like two weeks ago. And your name was Tatendambudsy then? No, at that time it was Tatendambudsy. Tatenda. What's Tatenda mean? No, no, no, no. I would not allow that.

Well, I mean. I've been sitting here all night. I'm not. No. No. See, this is why I like hanging out with my white friends. Can I just say, if I did the exact same thing that you just did, I'd be

shot in broad daylight. What the fuck is that on your face? What is that? What is that even made for? Well, okay, the bar... Yeah, man, what's that on your face? Like, what is that? What is that even made for? Well, okay, the bar... Yeah, man, what's that on your face? Like, for real, dog, what is that, man? Oh, my God.

For the audio listeners, Jeremiah is hiding behind the black curtain. I didn't know there were going to be this many black people here. I'm so uncomfortable. Man, what you mean, cut? You know what I mean. All right, Tatin. I'm going to be honest with you. This is all making me a little bit uncomfortable.

You're uncomfortable? Yeah, I'm uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable! For some reason, a black person in white face makes me just as uncomfortable as a white person in black face. And I know, because I hang out at a lot of parties

where white people do black face. Why didn't you invite me? Come on. Man, you need one of those scholarships to an improv course, Ta-Tan. You need to talk to Chris Seed the second you get off stage. It seems like it was not, was this calculated? Did you write this set out at home? Well, I've done this character before.

Oh, you've done it before. Hold on a second, hold on a second. Detective Chroma Chris. It just sounds like you're impersonating Willie. Detective Chroma Chris. It just sounds like you're impersonating Willie. Well, I mean, let's not complain about the details here. I'm just your average white guy. Maybe I do sound like that a little bit.

That's because I have a good education, you fuckheads! And I didn't go out into my education on free scholarship. I earned that shit. See, now I'm going to go hang out with my white friends. That's what I would say. That's what they think I'm doing. Yeah, I didn't know what to do when you went up for that high five. That really put me in a tricky situation.

I don't know if you guys ever saw me panic like, uh. You just need to embrace your true color, my brother. Okay, Tatin. I'm going to get one more person out of the bucket after you. So I'm going to keep it moving. There he goes. Tatin and Budsy, everyone. There he goes.

I believe that's what Kendrick Lamar and Future were talking about when they made this song, Mask Off. I hope the next person you pull out is another black person. Who knows? Maybe Tatin will hand them his white person mask on the way to the stage. We'll be in a real conundrum. Okay, this is scary because it's a one-word name. We know how those normally go. This looks like a new one-word name. We know how those normally go. This looks like a new one-word name.

Put your hands together for Travis. Travis. Here comes Travis. Seems like a normal guy. This should be interesting. One more time for Travis, everybody, your final comedian of the night. Travis.

I grew up so fucking suburban. Super, super suburban. My neighbor was the same age as me. We were both 10. His dad cheated on his mom with the house cleaner. But he was a Christian, so he married her. She had a 19-year-old son. He was a Serenio.

This was about the time that Eminem started popping off, and my biggest dream ever was to be a gangster. He convinced us that if we started breaking into cars around our neighborhood, he'd give us money for computer game expansion packs. So every other weekend when we had split custody, we'd just get on our mountain bikes like white privilege on wheels, just rolling around, load our backpacks up, nobody saying shit at all. And then, you know, it wasn't really about the computer games.

It was about being a gangster. Fuck yeah. Travis, one more name, Travis. You always wanted to be Eminem. Well, good yeah. Travis. One would name Travis. You always wanted to be Eminem. Well, good news, Travis. You did not miss your one shot to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime. Wow.

That's your first time ever doing stand-up comedy? Ever. I've been saving it for this 20th. Fuck yeah. Thank you, God. Oh my God. There's nothing scarier than after a set like that and somebody's like, what do you mean? I've been doing it two or three years. Holy shit, Travis.

I could feel your... I saw an orb over your head when you put your head down and took a breath before you started talking. This is the moment that my life changes forever. And then nope, you had just as many people laughing at you during your performance as you did when you were sitting over there right before. What were you thinking during that time? Were you praying or what were you doing? Dear God, please let me get all these words out

clearly. That was mostly it. Yeah, yeah. That was it right there. Well, had you had one of those, had you had one of those accidental stumbles, maybe things would have gone even better. Okie dokie. So let's get into it, Travis. How old are you? I'm 28. 28. Yeah. Your first time doing stand-up.

Yes. What made you want to start now? Kill Tony. You've been listening to the show. Are you from LA? Forever. No, I'm from Sacramento originally by way of Washington. And so you're just visiting down here.

Yeah, yeah. I just popped down today to check this out. You signed up. You drove from Sacramento. You signed up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been listening. And you were going to drive back tonight whether you got up or didn't get up.

No, no, no. I got a place, so I'm going to stay here tonight. I'm not that crazy. And then you're going to leave in the morning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. So you listen to every episode of the show? Well, now I watch them live, live stream. That Vimeo. Watches them live. Every week, every Monday. Wow. So you listen to every episode of the show? Well, now I watch them live, live stream.

That Vimeo. Watches them live. Every week, every Monday. Okay. What do you do for work? This year I'm going to be teaching kindergarten. Last year I taught special education. Wow.

Look at this. Wow. You're getting claps like Hillary Clinton out there. You can basically say anything and these buffoons will just clap for you. Wow. This is a real fucking treat. Look at this crowd. I think you clap for you. Wow, this is a real fucking treat. Look at this crowd. Oh, kindergarten.

Wait, what's special education? Well, I taught like resource room, so most of my kids were dyslexic or they were like on the spectrum but high functioning. Oh, like mongoloids. Got it. Oh. Wow. Oh, man. It would suck so bad

if you got fired from being a special ed teacher because you followed your dream of being on Kill Tony and a fake detective said an outdated retarded slur.

I mean, that would be really funny. I hope that doesn't happen. Good for you, man. How do you feel right now? I feel so nervous. I'm like sweating like crazy. Seriously, I've been listening for three or four years since episode 30. And you purposefully waited to start here.

Now, is this something you think you're going to do from now on, and you just wanted to start here? Or is it something that you just sort of wanted to see how it would go? You vicariously have lived through so many people pulled out of the bucket, and you're like, I think I'm funnier than those motherfuckers. And you found out tonight that you weren't. It's the truth. It's the truth. I mean, I just feel like if I

taught special ed, I would be talking about that and not something boring that my neighbors did. I'm not trying to get fired. What was the idea of the joke? It doesn't matter. Let me tell you, it truly doesn't matter. You could have talked about the funniest shit in the world,

and your problem tonight was complete delivery. There was just absolutely no beats or timing. You didn't leave a moment for it. You actually did say sort of one funny thing, like 20 seconds in, but you left no gap there, so nobody even noticed that you said anything funny because it was just da-da-da-da-da-da. You told a story

like there was no funny part. What was that part? Do you remember? I can't remember. Yeah, yeah. I was going to say I didn't get to be a gangster, but my neighbor got addicted to crack. That wasn't even the part that I thought was funny. That's just a part of the story.

That wasn't the part. There was something else. It was probably about the Eminem thing. What did you say about Eminem? I think the part that was funny to me was how you said, I always wanted to be a gangster or something like that. You're like, I liked Eminem. I thought I wanted to be a gangster.

That was it. Because you don't seem like a gangster at all. But you didn't leave a gap for anybody to laugh, so we didn't. Anyway, you understand what I'm saying? It's sort of about delivery. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. You should find open mics in Sacramento.

Yeah, yeah. Because if you go there, if you would have done that joke, it wouldn't have worked, and then you wouldn't have done it tonight. You would have like, no, you got to test the stuff. Save gas money. Or you could test it out on some of those special ed kids that you're teaching, you know, see what they laugh at. They laugh at everything.

Oh, I kill. They seem like a good crowd. This guy's got six minutes on crayons that fucking destroys. Okay? Hell yeah. Yeah, test it in front of the special ed class. It's the exact audience that's killed Tony. Wow.

Look at that. Jeremiah taking shots at you guys. No more Mr. Nice Guy over there. Yeah, you like that? Take that. Hell yeah. Well, I feel like much like your students, you also won't be able to make eye contact

with anybody after this. How long have you been teaching special ed in kindergarten? How long did you do that for? I just taught special education last year and kindergarten is going to be my first year next year. But a bunch of the kids on my caseload were kindergartners last year.

Special ed, anything crazy ever happen? Anybody ever throw their helmet at you? No, no, no. i used to teach in a juvenile hall though and that shit got crazy yeah like what what would happen um so i taught in in hawaii is that where you tried to your m&m stuff did you try to mentor some of the tough juvenile no yeah yeah no no i taught writing so a lot of them would write raps and shit like that. So I'd let them go off. But like they. Hawaiian rap. Totally. No, no, no. They're dope.

They're dope as fuck. What problems do you have in Hawaii to rap about? Mostly meth. Mostly meth. Yeah. No. Yeah. Like, so the facility that I taught in, it was long term, but also short term.

So sometimes they would pull kids in on the street and they would just be like, they come into class they were still coming down and they try to separate uh pods by gang affiliation but kids would lie you know so as soon as they got a pencil if they came in right off the street it'd be like boom off and go in on somebody but there was always a guard in the room so they would jump in there's like a like a gritty reboot of rocket power like auto strung out. He's coming down. He fucking marks somebody in the language lab. Now, Travis, you've been listening to the show for years. Did you assume that everybody that gets pulled out of the bucket is wearing sweatpants? I'm on summer break, you know.

This is just my best life. That makes sense. So you as well are special ed. Very good. What else do you do when you're not teaching? What do you do for fun? I'm up in Washington now, so a lot of skiing in the winter and hiking. God, you are white as

fuck. We just went from top 10 doing white face to a white guy doing whiter face. This is incredible. Detective Watkins? He just exited as a suspect of the crime. When he said he loved skiing, he pretty much locked it in.

How many times did you vote for Donald Trump? Just once. Very good. All right, Travis. What do you think is the whitest thing about you? It seems like you didn't even notice that you said that you like skiing. Shoot. Is it the calculator watch?

I think it might be the calculator watch. It's the Casio. What else? What do you think is the coolest thing about you? What's the hippest thing that you're into? Is there something cool that you do? Sometimes ride your scooter with only one leg on the scooter.

No, no, no. I'm super lame. I'm very, very lame. I don't know. I'm not sure. I'm very bad about being braggadocious. What did you just say? I don't know. Braggadocious. Yeah, you seem like a very braggadocious guy.

Wow. What's the craziest thing you've ever done or, like, the most unruly, like, or anything like that? You ever break the law or do anything crazy? Yeah, my records are all sealed, you know, from before I was 18. But I did some crazy stuff as a youth. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What'd you do?

Eat dinner with your salad fork? Oh, no, no, no. So, I don't know. I can't go in. I'm going to get fired. Yes, you can, you son of a bitch. Yes, you can. Do it.

Oh, geez. The craziest thing I ever got involved in. I lost my virginity when I was 15. The girl was, she was 18, but she was bi and she would like try and bring her friends into it. And she was into like pills and stuff like that. And one night she got one of her friends in and

girl got off a pill and the girl overdosed and like that. That was the craziest shit I was ever involved in. All right. That's pretty crazy. Yeah, that's pretty fucking awesome. 15 year old banging 18 year olds that are dying. That's some Pulp Fiction shit. that's pretty fucking awesome. 15-year-old banging 18-year-olds that are dying. That's some Pulp Fiction shit. It's pretty amazing.

I don't see what's so crazy about it. My wife's 15. Alright. Shut up, you idiots. Who yells at this show? What is going on in that area? I don't know where that's coming from, but it is extra sloppy tonight. Fuck yeah. Well in that area? I don't know where that's coming from, but it is extra sloppy tonight. Fuck yeah. Well, that's interesting, Travis. So when

she started overdosing, what were you doing? Yelling, oh fuck, oh fuck. Did you still have a boner while you realized she was overdosing? Were you still hard when she started foaming at the mouth? You were like, oh shit, this is not the time. No, no, no. It was the next morning, and like, I just, this is not the time. No, no, no. It was the next morning and like

I just started doing CPR immediately because I had a lifeguard cert. Of course you have a lifeguard cert. Cert. Short for sure. Alright. Called 911. You brought her back to life? Yeah, I kept her heart going until

the ambulance got there and then the detectives came and they... Oh, my God. You're a great utility player at the gangbang. I feel like every group sex event should have one dude that's like, yeah, well, I'll throw her in the Range Rover. I know CPR. We'll fix this shit. I'm certified.

Let me run over to Costco. I have a platinum membership. I'll pick up some supplies. Well, Travis, you know, it was a rough first set for you, but a lot of people have rough first sets, and you're only 28, so if this is something that you want to take seriously while teaching special kids during the day, then I think that's absolutely awesome.

If you get any enjoyment out of it, then do it. I encourage you to listen to this set and watch it and sort of look at what I was talking about by spacing out things you want to talk about and ending each part when you breathe in you should have just said something funny.

You know what I mean? There you go. His first time ever on stage, Travis. And that, my friends, is episode 280-something, I do believe, of Kill Tony. Whoa! They killed me tonight. Look at this. That's an amazing painting, Ryan J. E. Belt.

Get all of his prints at ryanjebelt.com. A bunch of fun stuff's going down. Catch Willie on Roast Battle every Tuesday on Comedy Central for the next five weeks. Make sure you check out the Bruce Willis roast. I wrote on that. Connor wrote on that. And check out the Mean Boys podcast. That's available everywhere.

Yeah, I got a naked Roast Battle coming out online. That's right. You're on Comedy Central's digital platform. Kill Tony's going to Cleveland, Cincy, Fort Wayne, Lansing, Grand Rapids, Detroit, Toronto, and Boston, Massachusetts, San Antonio, Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth, Texas as well.

Ladies and gentlemen, how about Jeremiah Watkins tonight, huh? Thank you, Tony. I love the Kill Tony audience. Listen to Jeremiah Wonders, and then on August 15th, Regner Watkins is headlining the Rec Room. We're bringing Joel Jimenez and Malcolm Hatchett

down to Huntington Beach. And then also August 26th, we'll be in Phoenix at Valley Bar. Regner Watkins is headlining. So come out to Phoenix if you're in that area. Thank you. Wow, look at that. Chroma Chris got a big one in tonight, huh?

Thank you. Yeah, my band Drack and the Swamp Rats is playing Saturday, August the 4th at Prospector in Long Beach. There you go. Hey, look at that guy in the corner over there, everybody. That's the real live Malcolm Hatchet just hanging out like a real human,

like he's just one of you guys. Joelberg Joel Jimenez was here tonight, everybody. Boom. I'm mostly sorry. love you guys, bye fuck yeah everything else is crystal clear and fun, make sure you go to forhims.com

and come see us next week where Russell Peters and another amazing super secret guest will be here and yeah, that's tonight's episode. We did it again. See you guys later. Bye, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you.