KILL TONY - KILL TONY #283 (CINCINNATI)

Episode Date: August 9, 2018

Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban, Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins - Date: 08/03/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes. You can even click on tour dates to come see

us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store at 8pm, but we're also going on the road. We are going to be in Nashville, Lansing, Michigan, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Detroit, Michigan, and Toronto, and a bunch of other shows.

So just click on Tour Dates at DeathSquad.tv. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, and you can check out his other tour dates. Also, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony. And you can check out his other tour dates. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every single episode. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, go to ShopSquad.tv if you want to get the new Kill Tony t-shirt or any of the Death Squad merchandise like

mugs and hats and stuff like that, go to shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Reppin' coming to you live from the Woodward Theater in Cincinnati, Ohio, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff. Hello! Look at this lit up crowd. We are in the daylight, live in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Are you guys ready for this? It's the number one live podcast in the world. Brian Redband is here. What's up? We're just a couple Ohio boys right back from where we all started. That's right. We didn't really start here. We started in L.A., but we're back.

We started running here. That's where it began, the great escape. How are you guys doing? Hell yeah. This is my kind of crowd i love the diversity of a crowd like this you have white people white people white people we have a father and son duo over here i know a good one when i see it oh yeah which one of you guys signed up neither one of the father son fuck it. Oh, man. Are you sure about this?

You guys look adorable. Got some people in the balcony. I'm excited about this. Brian, we're here in Cincinnati. Yes, it's great to be back in Cincinnati. Yes. We were in Cleveland last night. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

All positive energy tonight, people. How many of you guys want to see some comedians do good tonight? Positive energy tonight, people. How many of you guys want to see some comedians do good tonight? How many of you guys want to see some comedians bomb here tonight? My favorite part is finding the comedians in the room when they go crazier for the second thing, and they're just like, fuck, man. The fuck did I sign up for? Now my name's in that fucking bucket. Well, as you can tell

by the size of our table, we are doing a special guest list show tonight. So for those of you that got so high before this that you thought maybe Joe Rogan or maybe Dom Irera came with us, you can go fuck yourselves. Welcome to a new episode of a show called Lower Your Fucking Expectations. Yes. But in lieu of having a guest-less show, I think you guys might be excited. What we did bring with us,

you guys know the band leader of Kill Tony, the legendary, one and the only, and he is the leader of the Kill Tony band it is Jeremiah Watkins ladies and gentlemen the best damn band in the land

wait a second what the fuck is that could it possibly be do you believe in miracles it's Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez it's the goddamn Kill Tony band. They are here in the motherfucking flesh as basketball players. The characters that I never really thought I'd see. I forgot to mention, every week they do, every show they do different characters,

and I never know what they're going to be. I can't believe I forgot to mention that, but they're clearly basketball players tonight. You can tell by his basketball shoes. He's wearing Chuck Jordans. Yo, we play streetball, baby. Really? Oh, you're street basketball. I didn't know they had streetball in the WNBA.

Go ahead. Yeah, dawg, we play for money, dawg. My name T-Swish. That's a rim job back there. What? Yeah, dawg, we play for money, dawg. My name T-Swish. That's a rim job back there. What? Yeah, dawg. This is like whitest men can't jump. And I guess you'd be Wesley Snipes

and the whitest version of that. Cincinnati, I'd like to introduce you to your first ever Mexican. Here he is. It's Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Live in the flesh. Can I get flesh. Is this loud enough? Does that seem loud enough?

I feel like I'm yelling a little bit. How's the sound back there? It's good. It's like a goddamn... This place is huge. I thought I saw three Mexicans earlier. They were just Indian dudes. I like it.

I like it like this this I'm excited about this Basketball players, huh? You brought those jerseys and headbands with you from Los Angeles? Yeah, we played there Hell yeah Well, the whole band is in motion I'm excited about this How excited are you guys that Joel Berg's here, everybody?

Come on Special surprise Shout out to Andy and his sister I'm excited about this. How excited are you guys that Joel Berg's here, everybody? Come on. Special surprise. Shout out to Andy and his sister for hooking us up with drums. Yeah. And how about a hand for the amazing Woodward Theater? Dan and this amazing staff. So beautiful and welcoming. I can't wait to see what it looks like when the sun goes down.

I know. I kind of want to get married here. Look at this. You would get married here, Red Band. This would be the place. Yeah. Alright, well let's fucking do it. I have a bucket with comedians' names on it. Maybe it's a comedian.

Maybe it's not. Maybe it's a father and son that lied to me earlier. Maybe they're a comedy duo. Anything can happen. Anybody could have signed up before the show. It's not too late. You sure, Dad? Fuck. I bet you would fucking kill. Try to think of

60 seconds. I'll check in with you at the end of the show. And if I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Wrap it up then, or I'm sure going when you hear the sound of a kitty. Wrap it up then or I'm sure going to bring out the angry Cincinnati bear cat.

There you go. Special local treat for you. You got one alumni over there. Oh my god, you have a bear cat tattooed on your arm, dude. You got to fucking escape immediately. Just start running. You're on an episode of Get Out.

Actually, no, you're not. The black guy next to you is. What the hell? Where'd you come from, sir? I love it. Come on in. Hell yeah. I never thought I'd see a white guy

with a tattoo of a kitten sitting next to a cool black guy. But here in Cincinnati, it's a real melting pot. You guys ready for this shit? I pull your name out, you get 60 seconds. It goes like that. We interview you afterwards.

Maybe we find out more about you, what you could have talked about that's more interesting. You guys ready to start this shit? It is live from Cincinnati, Ohio. Kill Tony. With the whole damn band. Chroma Chris is here in both spirit and what he would have done if he was actually here. Dance, Colby.

All right, here we go. The toughest spot, I think. Going up first tonight with 60 uninterrupted seconds goes to Zachariah Flo. All right. Hi, it's great to be here. So I have a drinking problem and I don't like hearing about it, because if I hear about it enough, I don't think I actually drink too much,

because I can remember it, okay? It just harms me, and it hurts me that I can hear somebody say something like that to me when it hurts, but I don't think it's true. All this alcohol talk actually reminds me, I became a father a couple years ago. And those two go hand in hand. I don't like that either.

So I actually like to drink too much to where... It hurts me to... Thank God. Fuck yeah. Zachariah Flo, ladies and gentlemen, getting the party started. Hold on, hold on. Hold on, Brian. Holy shit.

I love this. I'm so sorry. I love this. Zachariah, did you think you signed up for an AA meeting here tonight? I mean... I am Zachariah

and I am an alcoholic. Wow. I can't believe you drink like a sailor and dress like a sailor. What are the odds of that? Yeah, you look like a gay Hamburglar. You want all the beef. Ha ha.

How much do you have to drink tonight? What? How much did you have to drink tonight? Enough. Brian, let's stick with the... Let's take it slow. How much did you have? A lot?

Enough. Okay, sure. How much did you drink tonight, for example? Give us an example of how much you actually drank, Zachariah. So tonight I had half a pint of T much you actually drank, Zachariah. So tonight I had half a pint of Tito's. I had two Bud Lights. I had two shots of Jack Daniels.

Damn. And a hit of a bowl. The people that you were sitting next to are clapping for this, by the way. These are his friends. Is this your girlfriend? That's my girlfriend. And that's your best friend? I love her. I know's your best friend? I love her. I know you love him.

I love him less. Wow. Giggle, giggle, giggle. You guys don't need to really record this. It's going to be on the internet. There's a better camera right there. It's going to get all this. Enjoy the moment. Soak it in. This is the time that your boyfriend had his life changed in front of everybody.

This is your new bottom, Zachariah. And by the looks of it, you're ready to be one. Jeremiah, go ahead. He's still filming because he's blown away because he's never seen a mime talk before.

What type of basketball player are you? Man, I'm from the streets, man. You don't know me. You're just like, you grew up in the hood? Yeah, Youngstown. Okay. Jesus. So, Zachariah, how long have you been steadily drinking like that?

You're Irish? No, I don't think so. Actually, I don't know. Oh, well, probably the reason why you don't know what ethnicity you are is probably the reason you drink so much. Weren't that close to your parents? No, actually, I'm very close to my parents. Oh, never talked about what type of blood flows through your veins before? Well, I'll be extremely honest right now. My mother's an extreme alcoholic, and my dad is just a huge... He doesn't drink, but he does other things.

I'm not gonna... Like meth? Well... Heroin? Another good guess. Thank you, sir. What's it gonna be, dude? You gotta tell the truth. I'll make you call this motherfucker right now.

You keep not answering me. Right now. Really? Yep. Hold on a second. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Before you do it.

Oh, okay. Jesus, dude. You, wait, wait, wait, wait. Before you do it. Oh, okay. Jesus, dude. You really don't know when no means no. Wow. He has an actual old school phone ring. Hello? Everyone's quiet. Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello, is this Zachariah's dad? Hello? Say yes. Yes. He nodded off. Scott, hello, Scott, are you there? Scott, can you hear me?

Scott? Man, he ain't claiming you, dog. Okay, hang up, hang up. Get it away from me, get it away from me. Got scary there. You really don't take direction very well. I told you to stop right before you hit send. I wanted a little more backstory.

That perhaps is the saddest segment we've ever had on the show, is an unresponsive father on the other end. You asked if that was his dad. Just a band tied around his arm in some Walmart parking lot right now. What do you want, Zachariah? I'm getting my rocks off. What does he do? What's his thing?

Well, now he's definitely going to listen. You called him instead of stopping like I told you to. All right. Well, anyway. You don't get to hang out with them often? How old are you? I'm 24. What do you do for work?

Graphic designer. Gondola operator. Graphic designer. Hell yeah. How long you been with this lovely lady over here? Five months. Five and a half. Five and a half months.

Is she a drinker too? Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Drunkest you ever got. What happened that night? Biggest mistake you've made drinking. Go ahead.

First thing that pops in your head. You know the fucking one. I've had my front tooth knocked out probably at least six times. By other people or by falling? Both and more. Dude, you know the tooth fairy well. Zachariah, how long have you been on stand-up? First time. First time, right?

Yeah, that was more of a confession than actual stand-up. He does a lot of fall down though i don't know if i don't know i don't know if that activated the chance already you gotta wait for okay you gotta let him earn it buddy it's the guy of course of course it's the guy that got the bear cat tattooed on his arm. Like, oh, make bad decisions too quickly? Did you have anything, like, you were going to say, like, written down? Or was this just something you just... So this is pretty much... I love this podcast.

You love it. I love you guys. Hell yeah. Me too. Honestly, I have a daughter, and I can't go to California whenever I want to. You can't? Oh, I got it.

I thought there was some legal reason you couldn't be in the state of California the way you said it. I have a daughter and I'm not allowed in California at this time. Are you always this huge of a bummer? If we went to Applebee's, would you be pissed off the whole time?

It's a shame you're an alcoholic because you seem like you'd be no fun to drink with. Yeah. For all you haters listening to the podcast, he's laughing at all of this. You're having the time of your life right now. You don't give a fuck. It's a shame you're not going to remember any of this.

I feel like you're going to watch a replay of this podcast part of every day for the rest of your life after this because you can't quite remember it. And every time you're going to be like, I wore that shirt. Daddy, what happened to you? I mean, I just set them right up.

I couldn't have dressed any fucking more weird. Just, I really committed all the way to fucking horizontal stripes. To the old fucking open blinds of shirts. I don't know.

Alright, Zachariah, if you could say a redeeming thing about you to prove to us that maybe you're not a bummer, like some cool something about you, like a little fun fact. Something cool that you can do? You have any cool drinking tricks or anything? Okay, first off, I don't only drink. Yo, he got a personality too, dog. Go ahead.

You don't only drink and... Okay, so first off, I like to create a lot of art. I do tattoos. I play the ukulele. Do you do bad bear cat tattoos? You play ukulele? Yeah. Fuck.

Anybody bring a ukulele here tonight? Can you picture this guy? What do you play on the ukulele? I do have one in the show. No, no, no, no. It's not happening. Ain't nobody got time for that. We already accidentally called dad too soon.

Alright, Zachariah. I love this. Thank you. Yes, indeed. Yes, there he goes. Zachariah. And if you really love it, Zachariah, then fucking go do open mics more often and use it as an excuse to maybe fucking, you know, drink a little more water and take care of your two-year-old daughter,

you dirty bitch. drink a little more water and take care of your two-year-old daughter, you dirty bitch. Realize sometimes I don't say enough, so I'm going to start saying more. I mean, I just think the shit and I don't say it. I'm extending my parameters a bit. I'm turning it up 7% tonight for those of you who listen to every episode. 7%. This is an interesting name. Put your hands together for David Shephebherd.

Here he comes. Be careful on these stairs, everyone. They're right down the middle. Take your time. David Shephebherd, everybody. Hi, my name is David Shepard. I failed public speaking in college. Classroom was only eight people, so this is going to be fun.

When you get high, have you ever masturbated and then wonder why God created so many sperm instead of only one when that's all you need? No. Fuck you. I think he's got kind of like a weird fetish or something, like it's all for him. Like, if you only need one to procreate, why do you have 10,000? why do you have 10,000? Either So either God is like really kinky or

he's like maybe not real. I'm not going to say that. So yeah, hopefully minutes almost up. There you go. David. Now, you made a real point to correct me. Hey, it happens all the time.

Do people really say that like that all the time? No, you're the first. No, they call him Bobby Hill. Oh, there you go. Oh, yeah. go. Yeah. Let it rip. Okay. Let me ask you something. How do you spell

your name? Your last name. Spell your last name out for me. S-H. Hold on. In what universe would that sound effect be fitting there? Like, how far is your delay right now? In what universe would that sound effect be fitting there? Like, how far is your delay right now? Hold on a second.

Hold on. Okay. S-H. Hold on. First say it one more time for me. Shepherd. Okay. Now spell it. S-H-E-P-H-E-R-D.

Okay. Now you made a point to correct me when you came up here, right? Probably. Are you ready for this shit? Did you write your own name down tonight? I was nervous as hell. David, I don't think you have any idea how nervous you were. Because you, sir, spelled your last name.

Last name. David. Your first name's David. Last name, say it one more time. Shepard. Shepard. S-H. Red band.

I guess windows open, they're just not closing tonight for Brian. He's just hitting buttons that he, I mean, no, I love it. Let's try this one more time. You spelled your last name. You were so fucking nervous. You're not even going to believe this. S-H-E-P. H-E-P.

H-E-R-D. You literally misspelled your name. I'm sorry. And you spelled it Chef Heifer. I had a couple drinks. I had some shots. I love it. It's funnier than anything you did on stage tonight.

It was incredible. It's mind-blowing. I've never seen that before. We've done so many of these completely. Are you stoned? No, I'm a little dyslexic. Oh, now I'm the asshole. I'm going to kill myself now.

Great job. Now I'm the victim. Yo, you just put that full-court press on this dyslexic kid, dog. Man. Wait, how are you a little bit dyslexic? I spelled my name a little bit wrong. Man, I should have known better.

I read this situation totally wrong. Me too. I kind of like your idea about the one sperm. Like, really? You know, it's like, why? I got really high and I masturbated and then kind of thought of that. Wow. Did it write itself out

with the cum when you shot your load? Is that what you're saying? That the masturbate... Do you think the masturbation had... Alright. Do you use lotion or do you dry skin it? Yo, Red Band, literally nobody wants to know that in here. He looks like the kind of guy that would spit on his hand and rub his pussy. Nothing.

You got fish sticks. You look like you have a giant clit. Anyway, what do you do for work, David? I'm a mailman. A mailman? Yep. Wow, man. Normally dyslexic people don't have the best delivery. Somebody just

chanted Joelberg for me. They think that's what you do when you just have a good joke. I'll take it. That's hilarious. Oh, shit. How long have you been a mailman for? Or a mail lady? I'm not sure yet still. About three years.

Three years. Hell yeah. Well, that's fun. You have dogs running after you sometimes? Weekly. Yeah. It's always that one person's dog right yeah

just about anyway what do you do for fun I make stuff out of broken skateboards whoa sick what's something that you've made out of a

broken skateboard oh yeah that's the dog from 15 seconds before now i get it i literally my brain still went what the absolute fuck and it's like oh okay i get it he's literally just he's gonna run with it now welcome to welcome to 15 second behind sound effects and a show that makes no sense and is thrown off its axis. Go ahead. Make jewelry and my ring. That's out of a broken skateboard?

Yeah. Wow. Oh shit. Is it now mine? Are we married now? What's it smell like? How did you do that? What part of the skateboard was this? The handle? The board. Stupid.

Let's turn it down 7% on the going for it. Let's dial back to normal host ratios. Wow. David, how long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. Wow. Two cherry poppins tonight. Look at that.

All first timers so far. Dad, are you sure you don't want to do this shit? I know you think you could do better than these people now. You've seen a little bit of it. And how long have you been an inmate on Orange is the New Black? I'm literally not wearing orange at all. Like you. I didn't hear what he said, but you both look like lesbians. Oh, man. Okay, I see you man to man. Okay, all right. See you out there.

I put that press on you. Okay. Oh, shit. So you make shit out of broken skateboards. Where do you find broken skateboards? Skate parks, skate shops. That makes sense. I guess they would have a of broken skateboards. Where do you find broken skateboards? Skate parks. Skate shops. That makes sense.

I guess they would have a lot of skateboards. Where the kids are. This is a pedophile joke. Hell yeah. All right, David. Well, I mean, you know. You think you're going to try it again, or is this just something you just wanted to do because you killed Tony?

If I can come up with another bit. Yeah? I would like to. I mean, this is something that I thought about for a while to try to do. But you can't do it once a year. You have to, like, right. Right, right, right. I've listened to the podcast for a while.

Hell, yeah. It was definitely a good opportunity to come up and try this. Yeah, of course, and be silly and see what happens. Right. One of the funniest things, you know, that I think that, you know, can possibly happen here. Wait, what's the here it comes? What does that mean? What do you think I'm about to say?

Because I'm curious. Am I missing something that's blatant right now? Like, here it comes. I'm just waiting for it. What do you mean waiting for it? Oh, come on. What do you think I'm about to say i have no clue you have no clue but you're waiting for it how can you be waiting for something that you don't know even if it's coming your delivery no that's bullshit because let me tell you why you're wrong is because what i'm gonna say is it's not a here it comes is uh talk

about the shit that only you can talk about how many sperms are in a jerk offload or whatever the fuck you were talking about it's crazy meanwhile the whole time I'm like he said his name's David Shepard and I'm looking at an entirely a whole different HEPH in the dead center of your last name and had you said you, I'm so fucking nervous, I probably spelled my name wrong as your opener. You know what I mean? It's about being real and talking about shit that you can talk about. Being a dyslexic mailman.

Are you fucking kidding me? Reading people's names, having to deliver the mail, that sounds like something written in a writer's room with professional writers. And that's your real life, dude, in Cincinnati. Sounds like a sitcom already. So fucking, there's your, oh, here it comes.

Oh. Oh, here comes great advice. Life-changing advice. Oh, here it comes. Here we go. Oh, here it goes. Here we go. Anyway, we're having fun here tonight. Right, David? Of course.

There he goes with his first ever set in front of human beings. It was in front of you. Cincinnati. Oh, shit. There goes Cowboy Cerrone walking around the room. Gay Cowboy Cerrone walking around the room, just taking a lively... Gay Cowboy Cerrone. Cowboy Cerrone if he was a Brokeback Mountain Cowboy. Nobody's safe.

Nobody's safe. Anybody that stands up during this show can and will be... All right, this is a cool name. Put your hands together. You guys having fun out there? You get it? All right. Put your hands together for Clay Crumb. Wow, here he is. I'm not on as many drugs as I'd like to be. I tell you, I don't smoke as much weed as it looks like I do.

No, it's way more. You people underestimate me. I tell you, the amount of coffee that I drink to stay awake stoned all day, it's got a worse effect on my health than any weed I could smoke. I mean, my lungs are pink. It's my kidneys that are black. I had this girlfriend one time and she wanted me to pee on her. You know, it was too much even for her. It's because I drink in French roast and pee out Colombian. I don't mean to be tough on girlfriends. I actually prefer to date older, heavier set women who aren't really pretty so I don't have to worry about breaking them

you have any more yeah keep going because life's already broken them down enough as it is wow I like my women uh worn out and broke in just like an old T-shirt with holes in it. Oh, my God. I love how badly. Clay Crump, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. How long you been doing stand-up? About 11 months.

About 11 months. Look at that. Great. Wow. You from here in Cincinnati? Lexington. Real close. Lexington. I'll see you next week. Oh, Lexington, Kentucky. Yes, I am there all of next

weekend. How far is that from here? It's about an hour and a half. Okay, not bad. Tony, I think at this point we've had the entire cast of Devil's Rejects. Yeah. I've always wondered what WrestleMania 46 is going to be like, and The Undertaker still is coming out,

and we're just shocked. Like, I can't believe it. There he is. Like 20 years from now. When was the last real good hippie throwback you've seen? Hippie throwback? Yeah. Wow.

You do smoke more weed than I thought you do. That's awesome, Clay. So you've been doing it 11 months, and you started in Lexington. What do you do for work? I'm an electrical contractor. That's what electrical contractors look like in Lexington? Just the handsome ones. Wow. I'm shocked.

All right. Fuck yeah, Clay. You play any music or anything like that? Or do you just look like you do? No. Yes, I sing and play guitar. Used to be in a band long ago. Oh, yeah?

What was the name of your band? The Blue Hippies. The Blue Hippies? Why blue? We played blues and... Oh, that makes sense. We were young, dumb, full of cum, you know. Wow.

Jesus. Man, everything has a bodily fluid at the end of it with you. Who's your ghostwriter, Brian Redband? Hey. So is that a knife or a garage door opener that you have in your pocket? What is that? Is that a giant dildo in your pocket? What's on that side? I left the dildo in the truck. No, it's my skinning knife.

But what's the thing that looks like a gigantic cock on that side? What's in that pocket? It's my vape pen, probably. Oh, yeah. It's got one of those fucking dildo-looking ones. It's the outline of a penis. Is that a knife? That's my vape pen.

Oh, but the thing with the band on it. Yeah, it is, of course. Never go anywhere without it. You're safe. I might have to skin some wire, cut some panties off some hot chick. I, it is. Of course. Never go anywhere without it. You're safe. I might have to skin some wire, you know, cut some panties off some hot chick. I don't know.

Jesus Christ. I'm prepared. Yo, I don't know where you come from, but that's called rape where I come from. Yeah. I guess the Me Too movement

hasn't made it to Cincinnati. I'm in the Me Three movement. You know what I'm saying? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. This guy's scary. He looks like the type of guy

that would rape Harvey Weinstein. Been over, boy. Hell yeah. Are you single? Yeah, unfortunately. when was your last relationship five years ago five years ago five years ago you're hanging out with her in a bush your hair goes just underneath your chin at that point it's very jeremiah length and then what happened yeah yeah what how did it end she went back How did it end? She went back to her husband, actually.

Wait, she went back to her husband? Yeah, sent her back. I said, you got to go back and, yeah, you got to get out. You got to go. Whoa. You told her to go back to the home team. I see you. Okay.

Yeah. I mean, that's interesting. How long were you with her for? About four years. While she was still with her husband? Yeah. And long were you with her for? About four years. While she was still with her husband? Yeah. And they were still living together and everything?

Off and on. She'd stay with me. I'd stay with her. Yeah, what is your studio apartment like? Posters on the walls, like Led Zeppelin and shit. Is it how I picture it? Water bong on the coffee table right when you walk in? Daylight posters. Three lava lamps. Really? Plenty of food in the fridge though.

You serious? Yeah. All the way through, right? You have one of those rock and roll apartments. It's a pad, man. I gotta call it a pad. What did this lady's husband do for a living? She's some rich Cincinnati... He was a veteran and... Wow, you're a goddamn She's some rich Cincinnati. He was a veteran.

Wow, you're a goddamn terrorist. Sleeping with a veteran's wife? What a piece of shit you are. It was tight. That's called traveling, dog. My God. That wife went from the Air Force to the Hair Force. That's so stupid.

Far out. Far out, man. What branch of the military was the guy in? He was in the Navy. Wow. It's a goddamn American hero. The people that killed Bin Laden. She went from the military was the guy in? He was in the Navy. Wow. It's a goddamn American hero. The people that killed Bin Laden. She went from the military to really scary. He couldn't keep her home, so she came to my bone.

Jesus. So you were fucking the wife of a Navy SEAL, right? So are you ever nervous of this guy? Does this guy know about you at all? You think? The scariest thing I've ever done, Tony, is to have sex with my girlfriend while her husband was home. He was in the fucking house? Everybody stop everything.

Explain this to me. Explain this adventure to me. Tell me the truth, truth please are you being honest or are you fucking with me i'm being honest okay okay yeah yes go well he came home from work where were you but where were you during this so but where are you? You're in her house, right? You're in his house that he bought

with fucking American soldier money. Good, hard-earned money. The hardest way to probably earn it. Yes, I would. Push-ups and fucking sweat for his country that you live in and probably definitely don't pay taxes in. I was just going to say that day there were two types of semen

in the house. Oh my god. Holy shit. So you're on the couch, the bed. What's going on? They had separate bedrooms. I was in her bed.

We came in and said, how y'all doing? We had a conversation. We said goodnight. He left the room. We shut the door. Gave her the motion of the ocean. Wow. There she was.

God damn. I can't believe he just let his wife fuck the drug dealer from Pulp Fiction. When you refused to wake Uma Thurman up, I thought it was so funny. But the whole time you can hear him walking around the other part of the house with his boots, you know. She's probably thinking about killing you. Oh, he was? Were you thinking about, like, leaving? I mean, how are we even hard?

Well, she kept saying, go slower. Go slower. Because she wanted to hear it, right? She wanted me to take her time. Oh. Go slower. No shame. How long did you have,

if you had to guess how long the sex lasted, how long would you guess? Yeah, like two, three quarters, like what are we talking here? Seal team six, seven minutes. Oh, man. You always remember it, you know, longer, bigger than it

was, so, well, 15 minutes maybe. You really young. remember it longer, bigger than it was. So, 15 minutes maybe. You really done it. Alright. Well, I mean, that's some fucking crazy shit. I guess it's cool that he's nice to you. I'm still alive.

I made it. And you're still alive. It's crazy that... Where has he been? Do you know what tours he's been on? You look like you've been through Vietnam. I mean, was he shot in the dick? Does he have a dick? Is that why? Is he filming it and watching it right now? No, thank God, no. No, I don't know which tours

he was on, but he was a good guy. Probably a bunch you protested back in the 70s. And that's the last person you had sex with. Was that long ago? No. What was your last experience like? Consensual? It was...

Living? She was older, heavier set. Older and heavy set. Not real pretty. Not real pretty. Wow. Damn, that's very honest. She was a lot like an old t-shirt, you know, had holes in it. Okay, well, I don't think the holes in it part's

the funniest part of that joke. But I'll tell you what, Clay, we're gonna keep it moving. We're gonna move on, and there he goes. The guy that fucks a Navy SEAL's wife. It's a real melting pot here tonight. Anything can happen. This show is as live as it gets, people.

Jeez. That's fucked up shit, man. Alright. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Put your hands together for Zach Metz. Wow! Look who it is! Zach Metz, ladies and gentlemen. So... I got shot on April Fool's Day.

It was back when I was 17. The funny part of it was the guy who shot me was the son of a funeral home director. I mean, that's a hell of a way to stream up business. Also, whenever he got shot, or whenever I got shot, his mom felt bad for him more than she felt bad for me, so she bought him a cruise around Alaska and refused to want to even pay my medical bills on top of this. Like, how fucking crazy is that? After that, I gained 60 pounds in six months. At my heaviest, I was 260 pounds.

My iPhone, like, you know, they tell you, like, all the different people in your photos. I have six different photos of who's this person who's this person it's all me fuck yeah click nope it's zach metz hell yeah look at that the courage of a gay magician to come out and uh and give comedy a shot. I love it. If you're here, then who's tied up on the railroad tracks? That's why I got that bear cat tattoo, because I'm from a small town in Canton. Cincinnati's huge to me.

You're from a small town in what? In Ohio. I'm sorry. Did you say Canton? Yes, Canton, Ohio. The home of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Yes, sir. Yes. I've been there.

The seventh largest city in Ohio. Welcome back to Facts. Short Facts with Zach Metz. Don't do that. Yeah, you'd think you wouldn't do that after what happened to you. Honestly, this is my first time doing comedy as well.

You've got a bunch of newbies on here. We can tell. You didn't have to say, Zach. I wasn't even going to ask you. No, I'm kidding. Put your hands up for Zach. It's his first time on stage. It's been all first-timers.

One guy that's been doing it 11 months. That's crazy. So, Zach, where do we even begin with you? First, how long have you lived in Cincinnati? I moved here six years ago when I started at the University of Cincinnati. Ah. Did you graduate from there? Yes, I did.

With what? A degree in? Two degrees. One degree in criminal justice and one degree in psychology. Wow. You put that to work as you said you use your job as a full-time barber? I currently work as a paralegal

and I'm studying for law school. That's sweet. Wow. You're a lawyer for parents? I don't get that. I am a huge Jeremiah Watkins fan, by the way. I'll tell him once I see him. T-Swish in the building right now.

God. Wow. So what do paralegals actually do? We prepare the paperwork that the lawyers do not want to prepare for themselves and give it to them to send on to the courts. I personally work in four courts. You say courts? You want to play or what?

Full courts. Full courts? Full courts. All right. And I personally work in foreclosure law, so fun work. I get to take people's houses for a living. Yeah. No, you look like the type of guy that would take people's

houses from them for a living. Minus those tattoos, but I could picture you in your work shirt during the day like a I mean, you must turn into the biggest asshole. And then look at you at night. You throw on the Bert Kreischer t-shirt. Let the tattoos out. Just a fun guy having fun.

Totally not ruining people's lives day after day. This is the foreclosure guy, people. This is the guy that takes your houses away from you. How do you feel about him, huh? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. It's mostly the people in small town Kentucky. Oh, it's Kentucky people.

That is brutal. So when you're doing this, it doesn Kentucky people! That is brutal. So when you're doing this, it doesn't depress you? You're actually like, I want more of this? That's weird. So I've recently started applying for new jobs, but... Wear Quiznos? Like, what the fuck? They cut my hours, so I'm just like, I'm looking for new jobs.

But before that, I've had to clean up my piss, so I showed up high every single day. You're rocking out right now. I don't know how to hold the mic. I've never done it before. Just relax, Zach. Just relax. Did we all forget he said he got shot? Just relax, Zach.

Just relax. Did we all forget he said he got shot? Yeah, like I said, my heaviest weight, I was 260 pounds, so I got, like, stretch marks like a motherfucker. Disgusting. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. I'm wearing the Burt Kreischer. Yo, let me see that.

Oh, show that crowd. This lady's clapping. You must know her, right? Is this the lady that nursed you back to it? I don't know her, but I'm wearing the Burt Kreischer shirt because Burt Kreischer and Tom Segura helped me with the weight loss challenge. Wow, that's great. I love that. There you go.

I love it. How much did you lose? None of the fat guys out there are clapping for that right now. I just thought it was funny. I didn't need to be inspired. That's impressive, man. That's crazy. Yeah. Between Bert, Tom,

and Joe doing ketogenics, I lost 110 pounds. That's crazy. Brian's been doing keto, but he's not losing weight as fast as you did at all. 25 pounds in three months. I'm kidding. How about that? Redban is on

a bread ban. Except they might have Donato's tomorrow. Oh, that's your birthday tomorrow? Wow, I'm such an asshole. I got off Facebook last year, so now I don't know when anybody's birthday is anymore. It's true.

When I met Bert Kreischer, he said he was on keto too, but he also said he ate a donut that morning. No, he's not on keto. Yeah. No. No, he's on whatever the opposite of keto is. Mostly bread. He's on the gain 30 pounds from running a marathon diet.

All right, that's enough, Zach. Stop trying. So when you got shot, how the fuck did that happen? What was that? So like I said, it happened on April Fool's Day and my buddy thought the gun was loaded. Thought it'd be funny to point it at me and pull the trigger.

Where were you at during this? We were in his house, which was maybe 20 yards away from the funeral home that his family owned. Wow. Yeah. And I got shot. Where did he shoot you? In the head.

Get the fuck out of here. I've got a bald spot on the top of my head here. It bounced off the top of my skull. It's okay. It's okay. We don't need to see all your scars. Like, I believe you. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

It's not that often people tell me they get shot in the fucking head. Let me see that. Okay. All right. So the gun was... Oh, that's gross. So the gun... So the gun was loaded and your friend shot you in the head, right?

It was a revolver. He pulled the trigger. It didn't go off, so he pointed it at me and pulled the trigger Russian roulette style, man. Okay. And then what happened? I stayed conscious the entire time, and I ended up running down the street to where the funeral home was. I jumped in the back of his mom's truck. You jumped in a coffin.

where the funeral home was. I jumped in the back of his mom's truck. You jumped in a coffin? She drove me to the hospital about eight blocks away from there. See, you drove to the funeral home? I jumped in the back of her truck, and she drove me to her coffin. But how'd you get there?

You ran? Yeah, she lived maybe 50, 60 yards away from the funeral home. Did it whistle when you ran? You ran 60 yards with a fucking JFK-like wound? I'll tell you what. When the blood clots dripping from your head, I asked the doctor. I'm like, is this brains coming out of my head?

Like, I legit did not know what the fuck was going on. Ha ha. That shit's crazy. The second thing I said to my mom after I told her I loved her was, I told you I had a hard head. Didn't mean to interrupt you. Why did I let you even try there?

I was going to stop you and I'm like, maybe this is his moment. Nope. Now what you said to interrupt me was bullshit. The second thing I told my mother was... Alright, Zach. Well, we're going to keep this fun train moving along. It was nice to meet you. Congrats, dude. Survived a headshot.

There you go. Sure. Why not? There you go sure why not There you go Now my hands ruined for the rest of the night No I'm kidding How about one more time For Zach Metz everybody Tony I bet you He's seen one shot

Alright Oh my god What's going on over there everything okay Yeah things are good man I bet you he's seen one shot. All right. Oh, my God. What's going on over there? Everything okay? Yeah, things are good, man. All right. I'll just slam the system down on saxophone. No biggie.

Can I order a Crown Royal and Coke? Is that possible? You want anything? Yeah, can I just get a wild turkey? No. You guys should all be drinking too. You guys having fun out there or what? If you don't drink.

Can I have a vodka soda, please? It's a crown and coke vodka soda and Jeremiah, Roy Rogers. Yo, can I get a solid comedian up here? This could be the one. I pulled a name

out and the name is Jeremy Johnston. Here he comes. I don't know about you guys, but I'm done dating people I work with. Not because I don't believe about you guys, but I'm done dating people I work with. Not because I don't believe in office romance. I'm just really tired of dating people with shitty jobs. I've been trying to get my shit together because I used to be a model.

Believe it. People would always tell me, you're so beautiful. And then I got acne, and they were like, hey, you're still beautiful on the inside. And then I got Crohn's disease. It's okay if you don't get it. It's an inside joke.

I didn't really have a good relationship with my dad growing up, but we tried to create one as adults. After he had a health scare, I went and visited him in the hospital. I walked in and he was like, Johnny? I was like, no, it's Jeremy. He was like, oh, my mistake. I was like, no, it's Jeremy. He was like, oh, my mistake.

I was like, yeah, that's me. Not bad, got it. Second try. Fuck yeah, Jeremy Johnson, everybody. Thank you, guys. Fucking crushed it, man. How long have you been doing stand-up? I did my first open mic actually like five years ago.

Hell yeah. How old are you? I am 33 now. 33. You're so funny. Oh, thank you. Were you really a model at one point? When I was a child.

Yeah. Like what? Campbell's Soup? Very far away from what I look like now. Mostly catalogs, you know. Huh. Well, what do you do for work? I work at Hollywood Casino

as an entertainment services technician. Basically like audio video guy. And then I cook and work the door at Go Bananas, which is up here in Cincinnati. Well, Montgomery. Born and raised in Cincinnati? Yeah.

Wow, look at you. How many minutes do you think you have that are that funny as that Crohn's disease joke? I mean, that's probably your best joke, right? It's a good one, yeah. It's a good one? Yeah, I mean, if I asked you to do like a 10-minute set, that would probably be your best joke in the 10 minutes, right?

Give or take. Yeah, that's a strong one, I guess. Yeah, it's a very strong joke. You should be very proud of yourself. More proud of it than you are by talking shit about having bits that good. Do you really have Crohn's disease? Yes. Man. Oh, Jesus.

It was for that, really? The lowest hanging fruit in the world. Just fart noises, Brian. This is like the fattest I've ever been right now. But I'm in remission right now, so that's good. When's the last...

Put the fucking fartboard away, Brian. Do that on your own fucking dirtball shit production, whatever the fuck show you want to do. Can I do one more? Okay, yes, just do it. Get it out of your fucking system. Yo.

So it's just. It's actually masking mine, so it's fine. Yo, he does video and audio production. You do that, right? Yeah. Can you help us with the audio on his podcast? He's too busy playing with his fart board over here. Crohn's is hard, though, to live with.

I have a lot of friends that have Crohn's. I finally get you off farts, and you're just going to say some dumb small talk bullshit? Great. When's the last time you shit your pants? Honestly? Yes. Like three days ago. Two days ago? Three days ago Like three days ago.

Two days ago? Three days ago. Three days ago. How often does it happen? I'm not doing it to set you up for that. There is a line. We have a safe word or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you.

Fartboard, fartboard. My medicine works pretty well, but if I lapse in taking it, I immediately start getting the symptoms back, and it's, yeah. It's pretty bad. Say that again? I'm on medication, and it works pretty well, but as soon as I lapse on it, it gets pretty bad. So if you forget to take a pill, you're basically going to shit your pants.

Pretty much, yeah. Wow. Man, is it sometimes worse than other times? Yeah, because actually it's an injection and I'm terrified of needles, so sometimes I'll put it off, but then I've got to do it. Damn, that sucks. We've had some real low lows here tonight.

People have way worse than me. How old were you when you developed Crohn's? 26. 26. What a shitty time to get Crohn's disease. Man, that's crazy. I actually did my first open mic as soon as I got better because it was just something I wanted to do.

Yeah, it was a release. Yeah. Do you ever take extra pairs of pants with you around places, like just in case? Not really, but I always make sure I'm wearing underwear now and stuff like that. For sure. Yeah.

Freeballing is a right that you definitely lose when you get Crohn's disease. You never raw-dogged those khakis? No, man. I got like three layers under here. Can't tell. That's called Crohn defense right there. Oh, yeah.

No way this guy's going caca in his khakis. Hell yeah. I hate this right now because all my friends tell me Crohn's is the most interesting thing about me and that's all we've talked about. Wow. I think it's true though.

I mean, it is great. That's what I was trying to tell the guy with the fucking mailman with the reading thing. Dyslexia. Jeremy, what do you do for fun when you're not working at the casino at the audiovisual boards? Kinkos. Pretty much just writing and

shooting dumb videos and doing stuff with friends. Goofy stuff. You fucking? Yeah. Not when I wear these pants, but yeah, other times. Does the Crohn's ever get in the way of a relationship? Yeah. Yeah?

No. In what way? It ruins beds sometimes, which is like sometimes You can only date German girls Does it happen Do you ever Sometimes you have pooped the bed Yeah That's actually how I found out

Something was wrong with me That's how I first found out I thought something was wrong with me. What? That's how I first found out. I don't think. Oh, because you kept pooping in the bed. Yeah. From boning to groaning. Man. So you would just wake up with poop on your butt.

Yeah. Did you try to like stop it for a couple weeks before you went to a doctor? Like put like some scarves in there or something? Yeah, I'm terrified of hospitals, so I dragged it out as long as possible until I went. Wow. And then I went. When you're talking about dragging it out, you're talking about your mattress, right? Yeah.

If you need a Casper, you can go to... Yeah. Casper.com. They're so affordable that you can shit your bed and get another one. Use this coupon code. I got 100 days. www.shitrecruiter.com over here. Anyway.

Edit, edit. Poo apron. Oh, my God. Oh my god. Poorhims.com Alright. Jeremy. It's weird that your name's Jeremy Johnston because you look like a Jeremy Johnston.

Anything else, Jeremy? Anything else interesting about you? If there was a book of fun facts written about Jeremy Johnston other than the crones and all the poop and the bed poop and the day poop and the poopy pants and the khakis and the second pair of poopy pants? What would it be?

I just think that's the title of my book. Wait, what? I just think that would be the title of the book. I don't know what I would add. I think the title of the book would I don't know what I would add. I think the title of the book would be Bad to the Crones. Bad. I think the title of the book

after you poop the bed would be called Double Dribble. There he goes, everybody. Jeremy Johnson. He killed it tonight. Cincinnati Zone. This podcast is listened to all around the world, including in North Korea. He's putting tissues down on the chair before he sits down.

That's nice of him. And he had a great set. How about that? He did not shit the bed here tonight. Jeremy Johnson. I got the solid comedian I asked for. His jokes were clean, but his pants were dirty. He's my number two favorite comedian.

All right. I pulled another name out. Put your hands together for Q. Taylor. Q. Taylor. Hell yeah. Here we go. I don't know you motherfuckers. I'm going to leave my drink down there? Okay, I know a guy that quit smoking, so he vapes now, but he still does coke.

But it turns out it's only because he got a new car. You know, because he got a new car. You know, because you smoke in the car and... No? God damn it. I recently became a minimalist, but I didn't even know it, because alcoholism makes it so when you leave the bar, you cannot afford to buy anything when you get home. I'll take sympathy claps. So me and my wife just had a baby recently.

It was subcontracted. Hell yeah. Hi, Q. How's it going? Oh, yeah, I forgot I got to talk. Hello. How are you, man? I'm great.

Is everything okay? They're terrific. I'm going to take this back. Hell yeah. All right. All right. What's up? Very cool.

You know, Tony, I feel really bad because how much I drink. In Los Angeles, everyone judges you, but now I remember why I drink so much. Goddamn, everyone here drinks a lot more than everyone else in the room. Well... Well... Well... Weed isn't legal yet here, so...

But I was drinking a beer per set here because I was like, it's like literally Russian roulette. You're waiting for your name to come, and I was like, it's literally Russian roulette. You're waiting for your name to come, and I'm like, oh, shit. Oh, shit. It's not really like Russian roulette. Russian roulette has a bullet and a chamber and a gun. This is like a thing where if you stay focused, you could have proper execution of at least some of the previous plans

that you had. We actually called the cops on you. They just arrived. This is like a comedy bullet because I'm a real big procrastinator. I knew this shit was coming up and I was like, you know, Monday I was like... Did you just rap for a

second? I don't know. Did I rhyme? You said something before procrastinate. What did you just rap for a second i don't know did i rhyme you said something before procrastinate what'd you say just saying that i knew i had all week to write some shit yeah but i didn't write anything okay tell me what this is i had no inspiration at all and then i was in 75 traffic on the way and like while I was panicking in order to change lanes my brain was like hey you should talk about this and I'm like why are you

thinking about this now uh huh no it's okay yo I've seen mumble rappers before I've never seen a mumble comedian before I love your hair I've never seen a mumble comedian before. I love your hair. Cute.

How long have you... Yo, what? Is this your first time doing stand-up comedy? No, it's been like... No, it's been like... Don't worry, they're not laughing at you or with you. No worries, no worries. It's been like three years since my first open mic, but only like 14 times. Wow.

Approximately. What do you do for work? I'm a TIG welder A what? I'm a welder Wow, the place goes crazy for welders Look at this strong union you guys have I now know who in the room is a welder

That's incredible Is that a Cincinnati thing? It's a very Midwest job I mean, I weld aerospace parts You're who they have in, I weld aerospace parts. You're who they have in charge of welding aerospace parts? Yeah. My gosh.

You work on the Challenger? No, the mentally Challenger. I was only like four when that blow up. Space shuttle endeavor. Q, why do you think you've only done stand-up 14 times in three years? Because I have three fucking kids and I work second shift. How old are your kids? Five weeks, 12, and seven.

Yeah. Seven. Five weeks, 12 years old, and seven years Yeah. Seven. Five weeks, 12 years old, and seven years old. I like that you went like, it was like a Tarantino movie. Like you started with the most recent,

and then you went to the end, and then back to the middle again, and it all made sense. Wrapped it up there at the end. Wow. So one could say, you been fucking? A little bit.

A little bit. With a 12 year spread. All the same baby mama? Of course not. Three from three different? Wait, why do you say of course not like that? Like nobody said anything about that and then you're like of course not, like that? Like, nobody said anything about that, and then you're like, of course not.

You have three different baby mamas? Yes, actually. Here we go. Man, he's always going for threes. You know what I'm talking about? Hell yeah, man. For a welder, you can't keep it together, you know? That's incredible.

Three different baby mamas. Did you switch it up? Did you go white, black, Mexican, or Asian, or anything like that? Black, black, white? White, black, white? Did you go like Neapolitan? What you working with? Throw some Amish in there? There's a biracial one in there.

Biracial? Yeah. What do you mean by that? Like. That's exactly what I mean. What do you mean? You all right? No, I was. Subcontract. that's exactly what I mean what do you do you what no I was

subcontract I literally I literally I literally did a subcontract my last kid was with another another girl that I'm not with blum blum blum blum see that's when I feel like

alright very good But whatever, it's fine Wow, cute Geez Son, daughter, son, what are we talking about here? Three daughters? Two daughters and a boy, the boy's a little one He's the little guy

Five weeks Well, the smallest his dick will ever be Is right now. And it's still bigger than mine. It's impressive. There you go. I see what you did there, a little self-deprecation. Q, what's a cool fun fact about you?

Do you have any special hobbies or skills or talents or anything? Oh, shit. I'm in the classic cars, I guess. I don't know. Yeah? Yo, can I put this conversation on fast forward? What's happening right now? I'm very boring.

I'm sorry. He's beer drunk. He's cheap beer drunk. I should have came up here with a headband. This whole set's brought to you by Bud Light. I am pretty boring. I guess I be fucking and I be working. That's about it.

I don't know. I'm sure I got something better, but I can't think of it. Tony, this is your job. No, it's just sort of sad. You're just sort of a sad character. I have sadness.

Every once in a while. I mean, we've dealt with a guy that was shot in the head and all this other stuff. I haven't been shot. You're just sort of like a drunk. You're just sort of like drunk. Not as drunk as the striped guy. Even the guy that had a half a pint of fucking Tito's

and the sailor boy did better than you. I'm not drunk enough to be interesting is the problem. Wow, that is just so sad. You have a 12-year-old, a 7-year-old, and a 5-week-old baby that would be very disappointed if they heard you say that. This dude like a live-action Eeyore, you know what I'm saying?

Eeyore! Alright, Q, we're gonna let you go start to sober up. There he goes. Q Taylor, everybody. Good Taylor, everybody. Good God. Chaos. Live action Eeyore. That was perfect.

Nailed it. Good enough to get out on, that's for sure. Better that than saying let's get out of it. Is everyone that depressed out here? Why would you say that? We met six people earlier that weren't that depressed. Man, good thing we're not doing this show on top of a bridge right now. Alright, I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Put your hands together for Lucas Mateus. Wow, you know what? I think this guy got up last night in Cleveland, actually. He's back. Lucas Mateus, everyone. What's up, guys? I have a girlfriend, if you can believe that. We fight a lot.

You know, I took her to a movie the other night. That wasn't funny. We took her to the movie the other night. I paid for it, obviously. Walked through the parking lot and saw a quarter. So I shoved her out of the way, right? It was a quarter. It was heads up, too.

That was kind of the big thing. That's what we started fighting about. She's like, it only counts when it's pennies. You fucking retarded. This is a quarter, you know? And it was heads up. I think I already said that. I don't know, man.

She doesn't let me go out a lot, you know? I go to Walmart sometimes with myself late at night, which she doesn't like, because she knows I'm going to get kicked out or something. I don't know if you guys have ever been to Walmart at like 2 a.m. It's a fucking freak show. And I mean, the people that work there too are freak shows. The guy that was ringing people up, I don't know if you've seen the movie

The Goonies, but you know the guy that keeps in chains with the den and head? The guy looked exactly like him. And he had gigantic hands. I don't mean like, gee, if I wonder if he has a big dick. Genetically, there's something wrong. Fucking banana hands. I don't mean like, gee, if I wonder if he has a big dick. Genetically, there's something wrong. Fucking banana hands. I guess that's it.

Thanks a lot, guys. Okay, Lucas Mateus. Lucas, I feel low. Lucas was up last night in Cleveland, right? Two nights ago. Two nights ago. Yes, that was two nights ago. Yeah.

So congratulations to you. I can't remember. It was a fun set in Cleveland, too. It was much better than this, yeah. Right. Right. Things have gotten rough. Since then, you've become a veteran of the United States military. Clearly, you've been letting this hippie fuck your wife for the last five years. Why are you dressed like that? Were you in the military?

No, I wasn't. It's just kind of how I always dress. It's just kind of how you dress? Like an out-of-work super trooper? No, I had to do it again. You look so much like the super trooper guy. I know because we've had him on the show. This is the only facial hair I can grow,

so it's just what it is. A mustache. Can I reuse a joke? You look like if Hitler was a skateboarder. Yeah, I said it two days ago and it worked again. Hell yeah, Lucas. Well, I mean, that was fun. I could barely

sort of understand what you're talking about. You want to make sure that you're listening to yourself when you're talking. You were very like... You have to enunciate a little bit better. You could pull the mic a little bit farther away from your mouth and just talk a little bit louder and project. My voice isn't very loud, so I feel like I gotta put it...

You gotta fucking do it. No matter what, it's part of the performing part. It just fucking sucks. But you gotta project sometimes. And you have to make adjustments based on the audio because if people can't understand you, there's no fucking way anything can be laughed at. Unless they just feel bad for you.

But, and that's not gonna happen here. Lucas, remind us real quick of what you do for work. I work at a grocery store. Ah, that's right. You work in the back of a grocery store. Pretty obvious. Now, do you live closer to Cleveland or here?

Because you work both. Columbus. Right, right in the middle. How convenient for you. Yeah. You born and raised in Columbus? No, I was born in South America. South America? How'd that happen? Sex, I guess. I don't know.

Yo, this dude the truth. How long were you there for? Just a baby. I was adopted when I was a baby. Oh, that's right. You were adopted. Fuck yeah. Well, I'm glad that you got up two nights in a row in order to just keep everything moving. We're just going to fly through it.

Congratulations to you for getting pulled out of the bucket twice in one week on Kill Tony. This is a guy that lives in Columbus fucking doing it. Lucas Mateus, everybody. Come on. All right. Put your hands together for Connor Schrader. Here we go. Here comes Connor.

Make some noise for Connor Schrader, everybody. Come on. What's up, guys? So I signed up today because I wanted to take a minute to tell you guys how much I love talking to crazy people. You guys would not believe some of the conversations I've gotten with some of these guys over the years. I met a guy at a party once who told me that the reason why Stephen Hawking is paralyzed is because he's so intelligent. I just like, I mean, to me, that makes it sound like there used to be pre-wheelchair days, like back in a time when people just called him Steve, you know?

He was just walking around, and then one day he just read too many books in the library and just doubled over the library and was just like, Steve, Steve, Steven! And then... Yeah, I'm just going to end it there. Oh, no, oh, yeah, yeah. An hour later after talking to this guy, he tried to tell me that when you stand out in the rain,

it's not actually touching you and that it's all in your head. Yeah, this guy was all over the place. I got so many quotes from this dude. Fuck yeah. Connor Schrader, ladies and gentlemen. By far one of the funniest second

graders we've ever had on the show before. I mean, wow. What are you? How old are you? What kind of fucking Benjamin Button situation are we dealing with here? Yo, he a preschool shooter. I'm 21.

21? You're a fucking liar is what you are. I'll show you my ID. Yeah, that thing's fucking fake as hell. It's just this Fortnite on it. You look like you're wearing everything that your grandma got you for Christmas. From Structure.

Does Structure still exist? That looks like Structure clothing. Yeah, it's at Sears. He's got that yearbook photo shirt on right now. You seriously, you look like the captain of the kindergarten wrestling team. It's unbelievable. You have a wallet made out of Legos. You look like Chuck Liddell's grandson.

You like warm apple juice. Is that true? Do you like warm apple juice? No, I don't think I've ever tried warm apple juice. You look like TJ Broken Jaw. Dillisha? All right, moving on. Not a UFC crowd. So, Connor, you're 21.

You were born and raised here in Cincinnati? I'm actually from Knoxville, Tennessee, but I've lived here for like 12 years. Okay. A lot of drugs, right? What? A lot of drugs. You take a lot of drugs. Oh? What? A lot of drugs. You take a lot of drugs. Oh, I've experimented.

Yeah. What have you experimented with, Connor? Rain's not really touching you, is it? What? Do you think rain is not touching you when it rains on you? No, I don't think that. The other dude I was talking to. Yeah, you do.

Okay, okay. Brian. Oh, wait, you do. Okay, okay. Brian. Oh, wait, you're not Brian. You're Connor. Connor. So when you say that you've experimented with drugs, what kind of drugs have you experimented with? Just, you know, I smoke weed.

I've done, like, the psychedelics. What kind of psychedelics have you done? I've tried shrooms, LSD, and then there was this weird, I don't know what it was. They told me it was acid, but it definitely wasn't acid. Did you wake up with your pants down? What? They told you it was acid. Who's the they?

My friend's stepbrother. Your friend's stepbrother. Yeah, you never trust My friend's stepbrother. Your friend's stepbrother. Yeah, you never trust a friend's stepbrother. That's for sure. And what did he have you do? Well, it was like, I mean, it looked like it was acid, but like it had like this weird chemical taste when we put it in our mouth. Yeah, like acid?

Well, I've always heard that acid didn't have a taste. You ate acid, bro. That's what happened to you. I ate the shit they told me it was acid, but it was way more fucked up than acid. What was the result? Like, what made it, how did it make you feel? Oh, it was just like this, like, 12-hour trip. It felt like it was 12 hours.

I don't know. Yep. You mean like acid? No, no. Like, I'm pretty sure, like, there was like these, like, research chemicals. I don't know anything about them, but, like, I mean, I'm pretty sure there was these research chemicals. I don't know anything about them, but I'm pretty sure that's what it was. Were you pretty sure it was what? Some research chemical.

I don't know. I was like a sophomore in high school when I did this. I was an idiot. It's motherfucking acid, dude. You ate acid. It is a research chemical. Holy shit. Connor, what else do you do? Would you go to

college? Yeah, I go to UC. Yeah? What do you study there? I'm studying to be a teacher. Really? Oh, perfect. Let me give you an impression of what it's going to be like when you walk into your first class.

Fuck you! Fuck you! That's to you. That's what the kids going to be like when you walk into your first class uh fuck you that's you that's what the kids are going to yell at you they're not going to take you seriously because you look oh i know i'm ready for it are you what are you going to say okay so let's do a thing brian can you all right get it out of your system very good all right hold on now let's stop things so we could have comedic timing at times that aren't just controlled by music playing. Hold on one second. Can you give me a second on that? Yo, he's still on West Coast time right now. I know. It's really, really amazing.

He's just having his own dance party over here. So hear me out, Connor. So let's say you just walked into the classroom. You're a teacher. I'm a student, right? You're ready to give your lesson plan, and I'm like, Hey, fuck you, Mr. Schrader. You look like a fucking kid you bitch see I don't even know I guess I'm not ready

honestly I'd probably just I'd probably just laugh I'd probably just laugh oh I had a feeling that was gonna be great and they think they should be paid more. They're going to need to give you a gun just so you can kill yourself on day one. Hell yeah.

All right. Connor, what else are you into? What are 21-year-olds into around here in Cincinnati? Well, I don't know if all of them are into this, but I love exploring abandoned buildings. Wow, that's really fun. That's a dangerous little sport. What's the creepiest building you've been in here in Cincinnati? Well, I guess you're from Knoxville.

Isn't Kane your mayor now? I don't even know. All right. Pretty sure he might be. What's the craziest building you've ever explored? Two weeks ago, I found there's this abandoned card factory over in the Norwood area.

It was huge. There's this clock tower, and you can get up into the clock tower and change the hands on the clock. It's a huge building. How far is Norwood from here? Let's do this shit tonight. I know, right?

Take us. I'll take you guys on was going to say, man, take us. I'll take you guys on a tour. No, no, it's okay. All right, Connor. Well, we're going to keep it moving along. There he goes, Connor Schrader. I figured we would do something fun. You guys want to do one more comedian, huh?

Why don't we do something fun? I don't know how many of you are diehard fans of this show and that by any chance have listened to a lot of every episode. But if you've really... It's not Malcolm, so settle down. But if you've really listened to to every episode then you might know that there is sort of a local legend around these parts he started

on Kill Tony a little bit after I think episode 100 right around there we found him in Columbus he came out to LA had fun there we've been keeping an eye on him for now like four or five years from long distance he I believe he lives in Cincinnati.

I'm pretty fucking sure. And he always signs up for this show for years now when it's in Columbus or anywhere around here. Put your hands together for a guy that started on this show four years ago. The great Will Needles, everybody. Will fucking Needles Moore. Will fucking needles more. Hello, everybody.

I'm 22, and I've only taken three pictures of my dick ever in my life. I know that seems noble in this day and age. But it's not. It means that the first two were so bad that I was like, I need to try this again. And the third one was so bad that I was like, I never need to try this again.

I can't be sexy. I can't lay thirst traps. Only bear traps. I got some wicked sexy shoulder hair I'm having trouble letting go of the past I found a sword that I bought when I was like 15 and I've got no fucking idea how to get rid of it

I'm physically having trouble letting go of my past I've got no fucking idea how to get rid of it. I'm physically having trouble letting go of my past. Fuck yeah. Will Moore is my... Will Moore. I call you Needles for short. I'm pretty sure our friendship started... You were in the front row of a stand-up comedy show that was me,

Red Band, Haddish, Segura. Am I right? Is my memory crazy? Right, it was. It was like that. You were in the front row, and I believe... Segura Benson. Oh, okay. Yeah, I was the only one that you could see on stage. And you were in the front row, and I believe I said the words like, you look like you ate

a double cheeseburger on the way here and you go I did. We stopped at Wendy's on the way up. I forgot about that. You and I have been friends ever since. How about one more time for Will Moore everyone? So here we are. You were a little

boy back then. 18 I do believe or something. I was like 16 then. Yeah 16 back then and then your first time on Kill Tony was what like a little I do believe, or something. I was like 16 then. Yeah, 16 back then. And then your first time on Kill Tony was what? Like a little over four years ago or something? Yeah, it had to be around then. Yep. And now you've been doing stand-up comedy this whole time?

Yeah, it'll be five years this month. Look at that. Five fucking years. And it shows. It shows, man. That was hilarious. That was great. Thank you.

How you been surviving? What's been going on? I mean, I know that you saved a lot of money when you were the lead singer of Blues Traveler. Yeah, I'm no longer a giant baby. I have a beard now. Oh, yeah. Just stand up.

Other than that, I'm not a super interesting person. Now, those dick pics that you took, did you use like a selfie stick or something? Like, how'd you fucking Whose arm did you use to get those pics of your dick? Who took it? Did you put it on a timer? Like your whole

like your genitals were like a happy family or something like that? Like everybody together now? Tie it to the dog? You gotta know your angles. I mean there's like some mirror work. You took it with your toe? You laid your phone down on the ground and tapped it with your toe?

The old toe tap? Actually, you know what? That's the only way the dick pic could have been worse, I think. Is if it just went straight up your leg with just your face looking from the top. Like that one shot where the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is just looking down at everybody.

I love that. Fuck yeah. So how's life been, Will? It's been good? What's your living situation? You live by yourself? No, I live with my family, a couple people. Hell yeah.

Family and a couple people. Actually, the couple people moved out. There's been like two or three people that I don't know that have lived in my house in the past couple of years. Hell yeah. The couple moved out but you didn't tell the person that cooks the food to make less helpings. You know what I'm

talking about? Anyway, you're looking good, Will. So what else has been going on? I have a question what do you think of the bear trap thing I just thought of that at the bar it was great I got a laugh

you gotta just keep doing it keep building around it and going around it and saying it confidently you got laughs the whole way through it all felt real we felt like it would be weird and hard for you to take a dick pic we feel like the picture would be disgusting once you finally took it. We agreed with everything

that you said the entire way through. You're pretty polished. You have a little five-year sheen on you. You know what I mean? But what else has been going on? Anything else? I feel like we've been watching you grow up. I met you when you were 16. That's when we

did that crazy stand-up show. Now you're fucking 22. Yeah, I mean, nothing big. It's just been a few interesting stories here and there. Yeah, like what? What's an interesting story here and there? When I did a guest set here at Go Bananas, right after I got back from L.A.

and did Kill Tony that one time, and a couple was like, oh, we're in town filming a movie. You'd be perfect for this part. So I got, like, you know, like the whole, like, where your dreams come true thing. Yeah. Happened to me here. I didn't get it, by the way.

So that's, you shouldn't recognize me. And then there's this one girl. I thought you were Nemo. Nemo? I don't know. It doesn't even make sense. And then. I thought he was a cabbage patch doll. Well, that's fun.

Who does the cooking around your house? I bet it's fucking delicious. Because there's no way you're the only person in your family that looks like that, right? No, I totally am, actually. Really? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. My clothes got stolen once from my house, and I was

so confused, because I was like, no one else is my size. Wow. This is just because they hate me. Yeah. Someone stole your clothes. Yeah. You used to put a car cover or something like that. Someone at the University of Cincinnati pranked their friends

in the funniest way possible. That's what that is. Remember the time I put 30 pounds of fat guy shirts under your bed, dude? What's your, like, do you have, like, something that you, like,

obsess, like, I have to eat, like, five pizzas a day or, like... Oh, God. No, I just... You tell him his and then he'll tell you yours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the problem is that I am

indiscriminate. I enjoy all the foods so much. Right. Yeah. Yeah, you're like Snackshin Bronson. Yeah. I really enjoyed that one. What's your favorite fast food? Oh, my favorite fast food.

He likes his food a little bit slower than fast. You know what I mean? It's a guy that doesn't mind smelling it for a while, enjoying the atmosphere. Steak and shake is good. I enjoy burgers more than anything. Burgers? Yeah.

That's your fucking thing, huh? Wendy's all day. Come on. Wendy's? All right. Well, I'm glad life's going good for you. What else is happening? Any love interests on the horizon?

No, all in the rear view. In the rear view? Yeah. Yeah. It was a fun time. It's over now. How long In the rear view? Yeah. It was a fun time. It's over now. How long were you with her? Either.

Okay, so the real answer is zero. That's just me not giving a bullshit answer. What? Nothing. Never. I was in love with someone. A woman. We were never together. That's it.

Oh, jeez. Hey, fuck whoever laughed like that back there. Whoever cackled like that. My God. That's a bully from the Simpsons? What an asshole. That's the sound of a guy that never really got the girl he loved either, by the way. Hateful

bastard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yo, can one of you ladies give this guy a free throw and let him smash real quick? Yeah. Come on. Which lady out there is going to give this guy a big crazy handjob right now, huh? What about that guy's dad?

Come on. Yeah, bring the doctor up here. He's coming, actually. Here he comes. Well, you've been funny on this show so many times. You did it again here tonight. Thank you. I can't wait to keep watching you grow up and then eventually get smaller and then keep growing up again.

Here's hoping. Hell yeah. There he goes. Will Moore, everybody. Come on. And that's what it looks like. We got to turn over the room because we're doing a big crazy stand-up show with the four of us. So for those of you lucky enough to have tickets for that, congratulations. And to the rest of you that are going home after this, go fuck yourself. We're going to stick around and have fun here all night. I want to thank you guys so much for hanging out and being part of this whole crazy thing.

I don't know if he's opening it between shows or just after the stand-up show, but Jeremiah has an entire fucking store over there of Justin's stuff. Please give him any extra money you might have. He will give you anything, handshakes, pictures. He'll touch you. You can touch him as much as you want.

You have some rubber swords over there or something like that. The inflatable saxophones. So no need to go too crazy because we're all going to do stand-up after this. And that's it. But thank you to Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Brick, Joel Jimenez, Brian Redband, the Woodward Theater, the city of Cincinnati. And we'll see you for a show after this.

We're going to do stand-up comedy. Thank you so much. We love you. We love you. ¶¶ Thank you. I'm not sure if I can see this man. My girl's very fun. Yeah, that's tight.