KILL TONY - KILL TONY #285

Episode Date: August 13, 2018

Russell Peters, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 08/06/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Go to our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes. You also have tour dates. Click on tour dates and not only can you see us live every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store, but we are going on the road. We are in Lansing, Michigan, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Detroit, Michigan. And then we're going to be in Toronto for Just for Laughs. And then we're going to Texas.

We're going to be in San Antonio, Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth. All these tickets can be found at DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's Tony's website for everything Golden Pony. That's TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the book and the posters.

Go to RyanJEbelt.com. If you want the Kill Tony t-shirt, go to ShopSquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe. We have the kill Tony shirt. We have death squad shirts, death squad hats, mugs, shop squad dot TV.

And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is rampant coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Wow. Hi, everybody. Look at this packed-ass crowd. Make some noise, everyone.

Brian Red Band's here. What's up? Live. Live on YouTube from the main room of the comedy store, the greatest comedy club on the planet. It's great to be home, good to be back. We just had a crazy long stretch of shows in

Cleveland, Cincinnati, Fort Wayne. Thank you to all those amazing cities in the Mideast of America for great shows. We had a lot of fun. I had a crazy plane trip coming home yesterday. Our guest is a few minutes away,

so I'm stalling. So I'm going to tell you guys this crazy thing. This is a true story. You know this, right? It's unbelievable. So, normal thing. We fly all the time, right? It's part of what I do. I've gotten pretty decently good at it.

And yesterday, I have the front seat of the premium side. Not first class. The front of the back, basically. Right? Row 7, seat A. Now that's a window seat. I specifically paid the extra 30 bucks for the fucking window seat. Right? Because I know that I'll enjoy

it. It was a long flight. It's from Chicago to LA. That's a longer one. Anyway, normal thing. I've gotten good at flying, so I sleep like a baby. I got the big fancy Tempur-Pedic neck pillow, the biggest one possible, like one of those fucking linebacker things. I have the $37 eye cover. It's $37 fucking dollars. Can you imagine how good it must be? It's basically a Tempur-Pedic fucking eye cover. It's thick. It's crazy. So I'm out like a light for about, we'll say, four hours, right? I think maybe it's a... Anyway, we'll say four hours. There's about an hour left on the flight when I wake up. I'm waking up, and I have that gray wall in front of me, so there's

really nothing to look at. The little TV monitor's off, right? So I'm trying to focus my eyes and, but there's nothing to really focus on. My window shutters closed, right? And I look, the only thing I see is I'm starting to like wake up, right? I'm getting crap out of my eyes and I'm looking down. My thing was on too tight. My $37 eye cover was on too tight and I I'm looking down, and I'm looking down, and my eyes start to focus that the guy to my left in the middle seat is texting. So I'm looking, even though it's something I never do, I look at the text message, and it says, yeah, where are you at? I'm stuck in the middle seat between two weirdos. This is what I'm waking up to. So I'm thinking to myself, how the fuck am I a weirdo?

Why? Because I was sleeping? Like a baby? Just out like a light? How am I possibly a weirdo? And I start thinking to myself, maybe the guy on the other side of this guy is a weirdo and he's sort of exaggerating to his friend via text so i sort of do a lean forward to see what that guy looks like fucking badass cowboy looking dude badass mustache fucking leather boots i mean well-fitting clothes right cool fucking jacket he reminded me of like the bartender from or not the bartender but the guy at the bar in the big lebowski that cool cowboy motherfucker you sure you weren't't moaning when you were sleeping?

Don't interrupt me here, Brian. Just let the momentum roll here. So the cowboy guy, right, with the beat you just stepped on, isn't a weirdo, right? He's a badass motherfucker. And I'm thinking to myself, I'm a badass motherfucker. This guy's totally in the wrong. He's a fucking weirdo, right? motherfucker. This guy's totally in the wrong. He's a fucking weirdo, right? But then I became sort of a weirdo because I kept looking at everything he was doing on his phone after that.

I couldn't help myself. If the first thing I saw was that I'm a fucking weirdo, what else is this guy talking about? And he's going from one text conversation to another. And I see two, three, four text conversations all about how he's in between two weirdos, different people. This guy clearly has had his Wi-Fi bumping the four hours that I've been asleep, right? And he's just going from one conversation to the next. And I keep watching. He goes, yeah, the guy to my right on the window seat has the window shutter closed. What a weirdo. And another conversation, he goes, yeah, the guy to my right has the window shutter closed. What a weirdo. And another conversation. He goes, yeah, the guy to my right has the window shutter closed. He must be afraid of flying.

And all this is happening. I'm thinking to myself, you know what? Fuck this guy. I'm going to keep the window shutter closed the whole time. And I look over again. And what do I see him text? the whole time. And I look over again. And what do I see him text? His one friend from probably down on land goes, where are you at? Do you know? And he goes, I think I'm flying over the Grand Canyon, but I wouldn't know because the weirdo next to me has his window shutter closed. Finally, I'm like, you know what? I want to say something, right? I want to say something to the fucking guy. I want to go, who the fuck do you think you are, right? But I know that I can't do that because that's just going to end up two guys in the front of the plane going,

you're a fucking weirdo. No, you're a fucking weirdo. So instead what I do is I reach forward nice and slow and I grab that window shutter by that little bottom part, right? And I slowly start to lift it up. And as I get it just barely up, I put my head right in front of it like that. And I'm just leaning out a window like I've never looked outside before in my life, like a prisoner that just got his first window in years.

I'm just fucking filling the window with my head, not even looking at anything. I know what the fuck all that shit looks like. I fly every fucking weekend. I'm not afraid of flying. So I'm just filling the thing with my head a good 15 seconds, and then what do I do? Reach my hand back up, and I grab the top of that fucking shutter,

and I slowly lift my head away and go, swoop, like that. Fucking weirdo calling me a weirdo. It's so weird. I always sleep with that thing down. Who fucking keeps it open? I want that sun in my eye the whole time. You got the middle seat, you idiot.

Yeah. Don't accept a middle seat unless you're not going to be a baby about the window. Windows are closed. There's a bunch of tourists here with the fucking looking out the windows. They're like, why don't you enjoy the process? Ryan J. Ebelts here.

He draws every episode. Hey, look at that. Speaking of windows, always a sunny sight to see, the great Ryan J. Ebelt. And, yeah, we just did a whole crazy week on the road, and we're about to do it again this week. We're going to Lexington to do some stand-up, and then we're doing that big rescheduled Kill Tony in Nashville this Sunday. That's a big one for us.

September 20th, we're in Lansing, Michigan, doing Kill Tony and stand-up. Same with Grand Rapids the next day, September 21st. And then the next day, Detroit, Michigan, September 22nd, doing a Kill Tony there with our guest Danny Brown and some special surprises. Then the next week, we're in Toronto. I'm doing some stand-up shows and some crazy

stuff. That's a big festival. That's JFL Toronto, and then we are doing a Kill Tony there on the 28th of September at midnight. That's Friday at midnight. A midnight show. That is going to be fucking chaos. They put us in this beautiful Regal Theater, and we're going to burn the bitch down.

October 3rd through the 6th, I'm doing stand-up in Chicago. And then November 9th, we're at Venus de Milo in Swansea. I think I'm saying that right. Massachusetts. Outside of Boston, between Boston and Providence. Smack dab right in the middle. So we had a lot of people driving from a lot of different places. Four hours?

Yeah. That was crazy. So, yeah, good luck. And then November 13th, we're in San Antonio doing Kill Tony in a stand-up show, the 14th in Austin, the 15th in Houston, and the 16th in Fort Worth. That's all in November. That's a four-day stretch. Actually, it's a five-day stretch because we have five days

in Fort Worth. Damn, we sold this motherfucker out tonight. Give yourselves a hand for being an amazing audience. We packed this bitch. We did it. All right. So yeah, there's a bunch of Kill Tonys happening. Thanks, everybody, for watching on YouTube.

We're live on YouTube, our brand new home. We are perhaps what we would call the last to the YouTube party. But here we are. We have finally arrived. A lot of people were wondering, where's Kill Tony going to end up? Netflix? Comedy Central?

YouTube. We're on YouTube, everyone. We did it. Breaking new ground. Took five years to sign our deal with YouTube. We're on YouTube, everyone. We did it. Breaking new ground. Took five years to sign our deal with YouTube. Our Cleveland, Cincinnati, and Fort Wayne shows will be uploaded to YouTube this week also. So if you want three extra episodes, check it out at YouTube.com

slash Kill Tony. And be sure to check out Roast Battle on Comedy Central on Tuesday nights at 10. In a couple weeks, there's going to be a special treat for all you Kill Tony fans out there as I will be taking on the undefeated,

undisputed, defending roast battle champion, Mike Lawrence. We'll see how that goes. Fingers crossed. It's going to be one of the toughest things I've ever done. Luckily, I've written for the last six or seven Comedy Central roasts and and I was built for that shit. So we'll see what happens.

Maybe we should bring the band up first. What do you think? You guys like bands? How many of you are fans of this show? All right. Then you guys know what's up. Every single week, these guys commit to different characters, and I never know what they're going to be. They actually, for the first time ever, slid the sliding doors in their

special green room clothes. I think they were up to something for a while back there, and I'm really excited to see what they do. They are unbelievably great. Just killed it on the road, and here they are. They're the best damn band in the land. They're the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Come on, guys. You got to make some noise. Oh, my God. It's Street Fighter. Wow. This is incredible. Holy shit. Street Fighter. Wow. Perhaps some of the most committed characters I've ever seen.

Wow. I just tore my ACL, Tony. Wow. We have the methed out karate kid. And fuck yeah, Chroma Chris has gone full lesbo for this one. And then we have, what is it? Someone that drowned trying to swim here from Mexico? It's Blanca.

Oh, Blanca. That's right. It's Blanca? Is it Blanca? Yeah. It is Blanca, Oh, Blanca. Is it Blanca? It is Blanca, Tony. Hell yeah. Well, man, I'm excited to see how much fun we have here with the Street Fighters. This should be... Jesus.

I never really played that much Street Fighter, but I guess you guys will remind me of what I forgot about. Well, Ryu usually has more muscles than that. And Red Band is on a keto diet. Wow. The Street Fighter versus the Meat Fighter

over here. Pure keto over here. So, I don't know. Maybe we should explain the show a little bit more. Another few minutes. Josh, can you hear me? Josh, can you hear me? God, I can hear him talking back there.

He can't hear me because he's talking about something. Anyway, so we have a fun show here this isn't even everything it's not over yet people in fact we haven't even begun over uh 40 or 50 comedians signed their names for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage tonight you know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty that means wrap it up then or else you're gonna to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Man, sounds furious tonight. And then we interview you and talk with you about your life or anything else that's going on that we might find interesting about you. What does that say?

Oh, okay, perfect. What do you guys say we go through one before our guest arrives? Would that be okay? See what happens? It's like a Kill Tony Roadshow. No guests. Well, we did have Andy Kindler on that Fort Wayne episode, and let me tell you something. Holy shit. That fucking guy's hilarious.

Make sure you go back and listen to Fort Wayne. If you like jokes, you'll love that episode. Alright, you guys ready to start this thing? I pulled a name out of the fucking bucket. It's about to go down. Put your hands together for an uninterrupted 60 seconds from Tatenda Mudsy. Tatenda. That name sounds familiar. Hello, hello. How's it going? I'm from Zimbabwe.

Coming to LA, I didn't realize how behind the times we are in my country. Like, things that are still big in the 90s, like, that were big in the 90s here are huge over there. Like, people in Zimbabwe love Jean-Claude Van Damme.

You know what I mean? They're still doing, like, the double punch. Like, they love Jean-Claude Van Damme. Right? So things that were big in the 90s here are still big over there. You know what I mean? They're still doing, like, the double punch. Like, they love Jean-Claude Van Damme, right? So things that were big in the 90s here are still big over there. Like AIDS, for example. We used to be big here, not so much. Still big where I'm from. Like, it's, you know, the thing about AIDS that pisses me off, it's, like, it's the reason why Zimbabwe will never have, like, its own superhero

or, like, an action star, because the diseases are more important than the people. If we were to have an Avengers, it would be like Captain AIDS. Like Iron Deficiency Man. The Incredible HIV. Black Widow, whose husband was killed by Captain AIDS. Jesus, I feel like you were just going to keep naming superheroes. Tatenda Mbutsi.

So, who is the most famous person from Zimbabwe? Probably me. Really? No. There's a singer, Oliver Mbutsi, who's pretty famous. Oliver Mbudzi. Yeah. I wonder what his music sounds like.

Yeah, there's like... What's his music sound like? Is that him? Honestly, I couldn't tell you. No, there's Danai Gurira from Walking Dead and Black Panther. And Tungay Teresa from the Jim Gaffigan show and Subong Glee. Do people watch TV a lot in Zimbabwe? Is that a popular thing?

Yeah, they do. Is it mostly American TV or? It's a mix. There's American TV, a lot of British stuff, a lot of stuff from Canada for some reason. I know. Probably because it's cheap. Yeah, probably.

And there's some African shows as well. At any given time in Canada, it's just four channels of those wacky bench-moving shows. It's like, whoa! People slipping on banana peels and shit.

Sure. Anyway, you always wear your sunglasses on your collar like that? It looks pretty cool. Apparently, it just kind of happens. Yeah, sometimes I do that. How long have you been doing stand-up? About seven years. Seven years.

How much here in L.A.? Probably like six months between the time, because I was in Zimbabwe for a while making a film, and back in, uh, I was in New York City doing some stand-up, and then back in L.A. for a bit as well. How old were you when you moved out of Zimbabwe? Uh, 18. What are some of the scariest animals that you've encountered in Zimbabwe? Um. They have crazy animals over there, like sheep?

No, I mean, I live in the suburbs, so not really. You lived in the subway? Suburbs. Oh, no, we don't have a subway. Not even the sandwich shop? No. That's an American chain. It's global. Probably not in Zimbabwe.

I know you guys probably have food shortages and everything. It's probably hard to upkeep a Zimbabwe there. Hey look everybody, it's our guest, Russell Peters! Wow! Wow! Fuck yeah! It's probably hard to upkeep a Zimbabwe there. Hey, look, everybody. It's our guest, Russell Peters. Wow. Hey. Fuck yeah. Hi, Russell.

Hey, what did I miss? This is Tatenda. He's from Zimbabwe. Hey, Tatenda. Hey, how's it going? How nice of you to attenda. There we go. Russell's right in.

Didn't miss a beat. You're all caught up. We were just talking about crazy animals in Zimbabwe. Well, it's Africa, so you probably got the big five. We have the big five, but like I said, I'm sure you have a big nine. What's the big five? Is that like a basketball team or something? It's like a lion, elephant, giraffe, rhino, buffalo I think. No, not buffalo. You sure you're African? Yeah. I grew up in the suburbs. And Crips. What are the suburbs of Zimbabwe like compared to the city? The suburbs are South Africa, Mozambique.

to the city? The suburbs are South Africa, Mozambique. Pretty accurate, actually. They look actually a lot like LA. We have jacaranda trees, you know the trees with the purple leaves, flowers, same kind of trees. We don't call them that here. Huh. We call them purple trees. We probably call them purple blossoms or whatever. Oh. Yeah. Man.

Even your trees are darker than ours. I guess so. I mean, I have. Though I did go on a safari once in South Africa, and we saw these really white albino lions, basically. There's a whole compound of them. What were they doing? Ruling over the darker ones?

No, just like... Actually, they were just running around. Imposing their will. Their lion religions. Running free while the darker ones were in cages. Actually, when you go in there, you enter the cage as well. Like it's a big

compound. I too have gone on one of those in South Africa. Which one did you go to? I think it's called it's by Lissetti, I think. I can't remember the name of it. Is it near Joburg, Cape Town, Durban? Outside of Joburg. Outside of Joburg. Like Joburg?

Wait, what? Oh, I forgot the green guy was. Weren't you on the show last week in white face? Yeah, took a chance. We remember. I was just ignoring it, giving you a fresh shot. That's how nice of a guy I am, trying to erase the memories of that bomb fest that was just last week. I'm sad I missed

his set. Was it no good? This one was good, but last week he did something in whiteface. He took two surgical masks and put them on his face. It was an experiment, you know. It was definitely an experiment. You're much likable being yourself. Anyway, Tatenda, we're going

to move on quickly because Russell just got here and I want to have a little restart have him see somebody fresh so there he goes Tatenda Mabuzi up last week very lucky guy this guy's been on like three times in four or five weeks Russell welcome to the show Russell Peters

is here everyone we love it whatever it takes to get you buddy glad you're back it's been a while Russell Peters is here, everyone. Sorry I'm late. No, we love it. Whatever it takes to get you, buddy. Glad you're back. It's been a while. And the band is Street Fighter tonight. I don't know if you noticed. I noticed that.

You ever play the game Street Fighter? Of course. That's Ryu, right? And that's, what was the other guy's name? Luke? That's Ellen DeGeneres down there. That's correct. 90s Ellen DeGeneres. Ken? That's correct. 90s Ellen DeGeneres.

Ken? And that's Blanca. Russell got it. I love it. You guys ready to keep this thing moving along? You get it, right? Uninterrupted 60 seconds. And then we talk to you afterwards. Anything can happen.

Put your hands together for Brandon Jordan. Here we go. I'm not seeing movement. Oh, no. Oh, he's over here. Here he is, Brandon Jordan. What's up, y'all? My name is Brandon Jordan from Detroit Michigan anybody been to Detroit before why why did y'all go I can't wait to get out of Detroit man since I was a little kid I always wanted to move to LA been a Laker fan all my life you know Nick Van Exel, Eldon Campbell, Eddie Jones you know them days move to LA I've been here six months, man, and LA is some bullshit. I already got $1,500 in parking tickets, got my car towed twice, and I stay in a 350 square foot studio apartment for $1,200 a month with a roommate. I didn't realize how much of a king I was in Detroit. In Detroit, I had a two-bedroom apartment, wood floors, washer and dryer, for $300 a month.

Even the girl across the hall would let me hit sometimes when her boyfriend went to work. All right, I'm Brandon. Hell yeah, Brandon Jordan. Damn, here, step up to the word. Alright, I'm Brandon. Hell yeah, Brandon Jordan. Damn. Here, step up to the mic. So Brandon, that's all true? Yeah, that's all true. And Brandon, what time did you finish your shift at Shake Shoes?

Five o'clock. Because you're still wearing your work shirt. Yeah. So, Brandon, $1,200 for a studio apartment with the roommate? You guys split and rent? Yep. That's why you have a roommate.

Tony, he said $1,200. Oh. $1,200. It's different. Yeah. It's slightly more manageable than $100. What do you do for a living, Brandon? I'm a manager at Sheek Shoes.

Wait a second. You really do do that? Is that a joke? He's wearing his fucking living, Brandon? I'm a manager at Sheek Shoes. Wait a second. You really do do that? Is that a joke? He's wearing his fucking shirt. Oh, I didn't realize you were allowed to wear sweatpants at that place. I love that place. That's a good store. I've never been there.

I am a manager at Kicking Ass. And yes, I work full time. Finish him. Different video game, jerk. My bad. Brandon, how long have you been working at the shoe place? Almost four years. Almost four years.

So you transferred from the Detroit location to L.A.? Well, no. Actually, I started working in Detroit. At Chic Shoes? Yeah, Chic Shoes. And after a while, they transferred me. So I didn't move to a couple different cities. That's how I ended up in L.A.

The store I managed in Texas closed down, and they moved me out here. Wait. Texas closed down, but Detroit didn't? Yeah, Detroit closed down, too. But I left Detroit before they closed it down. Okay. Just checking. That's where I met you.

How'd you meet me? Down in Fort Worth. Oh, okay. Oh, all right. Yep. And what part of Detroit you from? Eastside, Seven Mile Orion. You familiar with Seven Mile and Grass Shit?

Yes, I am. I used to go shopping there at G7 Menswear. Oh, okay. You know that spot? Yeah, I know. It's run by the Koreans. They have fake everything. Yeah, fake everything.

Yeah. Before I had money, I bought that shit. What would you do for fun in Detroit that you can't do here? Dodge bullets. Unless I... You could do that here. You could do that here, too. Unless you go to Compton, you know.

But in Detroit, casinos. We got real casinos. Ah. We got real casinos in Detroit. Yeah. Well, I mean, you can go to Windsor and get the real ones, too. Yeah, that's true. And you can also drink. It's not in L.A.

What would you play at the casinos? Lit. Wow. That's my game right there. Would you play the same numbers every time? Yeah. Or would you... Same numbers.

What are the numbers? 7, 21, 5, 20, 14. That's almost all the numbers. Yep. 7 and 21 are two of my top five favorites. Oh, yeah, me too. Anyway, so, Brandon, now that you're here in L.A., you've been doing more stand-up? Yeah, I've been doing more stand-up.

Right, a lot of open mics. Open mics, some shows, too. You making friends with other comedians? Yeah, I had some friends before I moved out here, too, so that made doing more stand-up. Right, a lot of open mics. Open mics, some shows, too. You making friends with other comedians? Yeah, I had some friends before I moved out here, too, so that made the transition easier. Okay. How far along the transition are you? You still have the goatee.

And I can tell since you're wearing sweatpants, you have a dick and balls. Okay. All right, Brandon What else? Is that true that you used to Have sex with the chick across the hall? Yeah, that's true

Wow How's the game with the ladies been going since your move back? It started off, she called me one day She was like, hey, what you doing? I'm like, nothing You want to eat some pussy? I was like, I ain't got shit else to do So, let's go.

Wow. Did you ask her what was for dessert? You want to eat some pussy? What you got for dessert? Man. Because I'm lactate intolerant. That's crazy. Because she was lactating.

Because it was her titties. How did she have your number? It was her titties. How did she have your number? She actually worked for a similar company at the time. I was working for Little Caesars at the time. Lucky. First of all, I didn't know you had all these great corporate jobs.

I didn't have about over 30 jobs in my life. So you worked at Little Caesars, and she was hot and ready. And $ dollars. Wow. She worked for another company. But then he turned it down and said, no, I'm more of a meat lover. Ryu is throwing shots. Right.

I do not trust a man who lays with another man's wife. Was she white or black? She was black. She was black. And then you went over there. Damn, Aphrodite's in the house just cheering for random things.

Angie Stone's happy. So you went over there. You ate her pussy. How long would you say you ate it for? Probably about 10, 15 minutes. I like eating pussy. And then what happened? You ate it for 10 or 15 minutes, and then what?

Did you let her? Oh, then I hit. Oh, yeah, you gave her your city. And then after, did you say, did I do that? What did her husband do for work? Do you know? I don't know I never even met him

Really? Never met him But he lived across the hall too? I used to see him I'd see him walk past But I'd never really speak to him I bet He should have just walked up to him

And burped in his face That smells familiar I can't put my tongue on it Hey my man I want to holler at you Burp Man That's crazy. What did she do?

She worked at Little Caesars with you? No, she worked at another company that I was trying to work for because I was trying to lead Little Caesars, and that's how we ended up changing numbers. So she was trying to help me out. Damn. No. Well, I love it, man.

Fun times. Welcome to help me out. Damn. No. Well, I love it, man. Fun times. Welcome to L.A. It's a hard road coming from Detroit to here, and I'm glad that everything is working out for you. We met him here for the first time. That's Brandon Jordan, everybody. There he goes. He's on Be Original Comedy.

Be Original Comedy. But it's just the letter, so if you spell it out, it's B-original comedy Not aboriginal No. It's actually at B-original comedy B-original, the letter B and Tatenda is at

T-A-1-O-D-A and your next comedian goes by the name of Mark Walker Mark Walker. Mark Walker. I don't see movement tonight. Mark Walker? Oh.

I don't see anyone coming towards us. No. Get out of here. Well, well, well. Why don't you look at that? It's the last time this young lady was on this show. She absolutely destroyed. She had her best set ever on this show.

I don't want to raise the expectations too much. She is a legend here on Kill Tony. 62 fucking years old. She shows up every week. You know her. You love her. It's Aphrodite! Come on, make some noise, everybody.

Aphrodite! How y'all doing? Right now? I'm hornier than the Catholic priest. I'm hornier than the Catholic priest. It's been months now. I see these good-looking black men, you know, the ones that about something their sisters would like to date. They say they only date white women.

Giving all that black dick to white women? You know, brothers get successful, they want some of that Ku Klux Klan pussy. Oh, yeah. They want some of that Emmett Till get your black ass killed pussy. Oh, yeah.

I just want to tell the brothers at PCA announcement, when that white cop pull your black ass over, you better tell him you're driving, Miss Daisy. You better tell him you're a motherfucking Uber driver. Because he find out you're fucking that white woman, your ass is going to get laid out! Damn. Aphrodite.

Thank you. Aren't you just the most special goddamn thing in the world? How long has it been since you started stand-up? Almost two years now. Two years. And you've been doing this show off, you've been signing up off and on for two years. Yes, almost two years.

And you are a perfect example of someone that we have literally only watched get better. It is one of the coolest things, you know? Just working beats. You started this late. You're having fun with it. You're showing up. You're learning.

You're listening. You know, you're having fun with it, always smiling every damn Monday. And it's just so cool to watch you, you know? I mean, you were working beats up there. It wasn't necessarily, you know, a slaughter fest, but there you are trying new stuff, taking chances, and doing it all with that sweet,

sweet, fat ass. Look at that fucking thing. My God, I just can't help myself. I just want to know all these young people. I'm tired of these young motherfuckers. They ain't got all their ass. No, you're damn right. What's her name? La'Anse, Nikki LaLogia? They ain't got all their ass?

This is real ass. This ain't no, you know. That's that cornbread and Earl ass. That's that cornbread and Earl ass. You know what I'm saying? That fucking thing is unbelievable. Ryu is completely erect right now. For those of you listening to the podcast, his dick has a red ribbon tied at the top of it. I just hadoukened my pants.

You know, I just don't believe you have to look like an old person just because you're in your 60s. You know what I'm saying? Hell no. You have one of the youngest spirits. I feel like a lot of people try to come up here and pretend to be wiser and older than they are. And then there's you just fucking ass

backwards. The ass is actually in the right place. Thanks to my grandmother, she had that astronomical ass. Oh shit, I see what you did there. So your grandma had a fat ass too, huh? Oh, my daddy's mom, she had no breasts, but she had that big

Jedi booty. Jedi? Jedi booty. The ass jets out and comes back in. Oh. And you got top and bottom, so you're good. This is my mama up here. Hello, Mom.

She's 86 and she got bigger titties than the women with the implants and shit. How long has McDonald's been dressing you? Somebody said you were going to say that if I got on tonight. You better catch up. Somebody said that. Just by looking at you, I know what you like on your hot dog.

Oh, yeah. Mostly relish. I'm about to get me some, though. The muscle man is back. Wow. Yeah. Oh, Jedi ass is... It's weird that your grandma had a Jedi ass,

because you have the Darth Vader helmet. Oh, yeah. So do I. Talk about dark side. Oh, no. I'm selling afros to white people $29.95. Hell, yeah. Everything else in life been good?

What do you do on the other days? I see you every Monday night. You always make a point to say hello. You're always positive and fun. What does Tuesday through Sunday look like for Aphrodite? I have different things to do. I've done some other mics as well.

Other than mics and other than music, we know that you sing. What else? Shows are coming up. We know, we know, we know. I'm talking about other stuff. Okay. Like what stuff other than art? Like what do you like to do when you're just chilling? Well, I'm really an artist at heart.

I like to write. I have a second book I'm working on. I think you're missing the question here. Okay, tell me again. Other than anything that has to do with art or plugging anything. Okay. What else do you do? You like to watch TV?

Well, no, actually I don't watch TV. I study ancient Egypt history. I love studying history. How do you do that? You read books? I go get books from the library and I look at a lot of documentaries. I love everything about ancient Egypt. Aliens, all that kind of stuff.

It's cool. Well, hold on. Sounds like you're watching the History Channel. Yeah, the Anunnaki's. Have you ever heard of a show called Ancient Aliens? Oh, I'll watch anything if you refer me to it. I love reading. No, don't watch it. It's dumb. That's why I spend a lot of time reading, watching stuff. I go out. I like to observe people.

It helps me with material and writing songs, everything. I like real people. What's a cool fun fact that you've learned from about ancient Egypt that you could share with us? By the way, I know for a fact that the pyramids are wondering how your ass was built. It's true. It was actually

astronomical, okay? Aphrodite, you already did that joke. Okay. Well, you made me go there, okay? But anyway, what I like about the ancient Egyptians, some of the smartest people that ever was on the planet. A lot of people, unfortunately, are racist. They don't want to know that black people came here first.

Sorry. But it's true. And we came from aliens. That's why we built the fucking pyramids. Seriously. Well, our kitchen staff came from illegal aliens. Go look up the Anunnaki. This is some cool shit, y'all.

Everybody's black anyway, so it's no problem. Did you say the anal Anunnaki? The Anunnaki. A-N-N-U-N-A-K-I. Anal Naki. It's all right. Anunnaki, motherfucker. Well, that's Sphinx.

They cool, though. They cool. Aphrodite. That is so cool. So we learned something here tonight. You had a fun set. You're smiling. You had fun again.

I absolutely love your passion for this show. Oh, I love you, Tony. You are my best teacher. You really are. Look at that. There you go. Yes. And I love everybody here.

You guys don't know. It means so much to be in my 60s. Okay, okay, Aphrodite. I love you, too. You're the best. My ass loves you, too. Oh, it means so much to be in my 60s. Okay, okay, Aphrodite. I love you, too. You're the best. And my ass loves you, too. Oh, shit. In that case. Congratulations on your mom's nefertiti.

Yes, no stuffers, no feelings. This is grease made. Grease. All right, Aphrodite. There she goes. Thank you. 62 years old. The great Aphrodite, everybody. She's on Twitter at AphroditeLove. That's spelled A-F-R-O-D-Y-E-T-E-L-O-D-E. That's fun, right?

People of all shapes and sizes. I would like to hit her sphincter. Really, Jeremiah? Alright, this young lady's been on before. It was very funny. Put your hands together for Rachel Wolfson. What's up? I was a big tomboy growing up.

Now they call it transgender. I feel like my mom made my sister and I ugly on purpose because that was her form of birth control. Like I was completely unfuckable as a child. I had a mullet. Sometimes I wonder.

No one wants to fuck a kid with a mullet, let's be honest. Like, no one. But, like, sometimes I wonder if they would have tried. Like, if someone would have tried to fuck me because my mom's a judge. She put O.J. Simpson in prison. So, basically, O. She put OJ Simpson in prison. So basically OJ Simpson got sent to prison by the same woman who sent

me to my room. But we got out. That's how it is. There you go. Man, that's crazy that your mom's a judge. Vegas? Born and raised. Judy?

Jackie. Judge Jackie. She's like the Jewish Judge Judy. You can't get much Jewier than Judge Judy. She's like younger and more bonable. So she really doesn't like bologna. I'd bone Judy. If I remember correctly, she worked on the O.J. Simpson trial.

Is that right? She put him in prison. Yeah, put him in prison. That's sweet. Yeah. She definitely just said that during her set. I wasn't paying attention. It's okay.

I like her style. You remind me if there was a female Silent Bob. Thank you. He made a lot of money. Yeah. Yeah, he did. That's one way of looking at it. Fuck yeah. He made a lot of money. Yeah, yeah, he did. That's one way of looking at it. Fuck yeah.

He made a lot of money. And so how long have you been doing stand-up? Almost two years. All here in L.A.? Correct. How old are you? Old enough to know better. Wow. I'm 31.

Sly answers from Rachel today. What do you do for a living? Right now, I'm looking for another job. I'm professionally looking for another job. Okay. There you go. No, I smoke weed for a living. Wow.

That's cool. I street fight to the death. Yeah. Didn't I see you couldn't get into a club recently because you had a jar this big in your purse of weed? Yeah. Vegas is not always 420 friendly. I tried to get into the club. The guy checks my bag, and he's like, nope, that's not allowed here.

And I was like, fuck. I was denied. I was like, I didn't want to be here. It's not my scene. I don't want to be here anyways. What club was it? It was, they just opened up a new club at the top of the Palms. It's called Apex Social Club.

But you can't be bringing that much weed and be social. No, they're like, no weed, just all the other drugs. I was like, you're a racist against weed. Do you always travel with that much weed, though? Don't you ever just carry a joint? I forgot. I had a giant jar, didn't take it out, thought maybe they were cool. Wait, how big is this jar?

It was like up to half the water bottle filled with weed. So it was big enough. I pictured a fucking Costco mayo. No, it was a mason jar. It was like a jar you get at like fucking world's best furniture. I don't know. So what type of job are you looking for? Something that will pay me during the day so I can do this at night.

So when you say something that will pay you during the day, what type of job are you looking for? I mean, I prefer to keep my clothes on. Is that what you Google when you're looking for employment? Something during the day to pay for night time. My clothes on and still. I mean, the good strippers don't work in the day. Yeah, for sure. You're right. But mean, the good strippers don't work in the day, so I don't have to worry about that.

Yeah, for sure, you're right. But, like, they do have day strippers. No, they do, but it's like a day shift. I mean, it's... You're right. You don't think I could get the day shift? I mean, do you want it? You're the daughter of a judge.

You're right, I want to make money, but I can't be a day stripper. Yeah, you get to sit in the C-section. It's all nice. I don't want to be... Yeah, I don't want to be a second-string stripper. I want... If I were to... So, like, what. It's all nice. I don't want to be a second string stripper if I were to. So what type of job might you be looking for?

I guess a serving job. How about in the entertainment business? I would like to get a writer's job, in a writer's room. I would like to get in a writer's room. I would give it some time. Yeah, let's go back to the possibility of serving. So have you applied anywhere? I have.

I've applied. I've reapplied to a job that I no longer work at. Like, that's how I was like, maybe they'll let me come back and forget. No, the coffee bean never forgets. I'll try Starbucks. Were you fired from that job or did you quit that job?

The one that you reapplied for. Yeah, no, I just like I'm not going to come back for like forever until I might need to come back. You took a leave of absence without telling them, basically. I took a sabbatical. A sabbatical. Yeah. Man, you are. If you're going to be a writer, you're basically. I took a sabbatical. Is it a sabbatical? A sabbatical. Yeah. Man, you are... If you're going to be a writer, you're going to need to know sabbatical.

Yeah, it's going to be a sabbatical. What about working at a dispensary? I was working at a dispensary. They cut my hours. I was like, that's not how it's supposed to work. I bet that's what everybody that gets their hours cut at a dispensary says. People at McDonald's that get their cut, say the same thing. I'm like, what?

What about McDonald's or Burger King? I'm overqualified. I should just lie. I mean, you don't look 31, so you could just be like... I still have time. There's still hope for me. IHOP? What about IHOP? Here's the thing. You want to go to places where you're going to meet people.

IHOP is a good place because that's where a lot of people go and they think it's under the radar are those the right kind of people I should be meeting that I don't go there I do I do go there I too live in Vegas by the way you too live what part in Henderson oh word I've heard of that place I live on the other side. Summerlin? That's my hood. You're in the better part of town. What does your professional judge mother think about your lack of focus

in pot smoking? Because to be honest with you, I'm very disappointed and I just met you. Listen, you should call my mom. She would share the concern. I feel the concern. Isn't weed supposed to make you focus? But not as much as she smokes.

She smokes from when she wakes up to goes to bed all day long. I had only three joints today. I'm fine. When do you start? The second you wake up? Not today. It depends on the day. Some days I smoke more.

Some days I smoke less. Some days I have just one joint. I think people think I'm just chiefing. Red Band thinks I am. This girl never puts down the pipe. Okay. Chiefing. I don't smoke.

I don't know. You've never smoked weed? I did. I didn't like it. It wasn't for me. It's not that I'm against it. It just didn't work for me. I like alcohol.

Cocaine is cool too. I'm a jerk. I like alcohol. What do you want from me? Yeah. Russell went the more whole like career direction. Stupid, right? I know.

All right, Rachel. Well, we'll get an update next time you're on. Fun stuff tonight. There she goes. Rachel Wolfson. She's on Twitter at Wolfie Comedy. All right. We're having fun.

Ryu, how you doing over there? Good. Alright. It's ladies night here on Kill Tony. Put your hands together for Veronica Kwiatkowski. That's definitely a new name.

Here she comes. Look at that. Pretty sure it's her first time on Kill Tony. Put it together for Veronica Quiet Kowski. Hello. Are you guys all familiar with the popular poultry franchise Hooters? Yeah? Okay, so get this. Apparently, to poultry franchise Hooters? Yeah? Okay, so get this.

Apparently, to get hired at Hooters, the way that it works is you go down there, and they have you stand right up against a wall. And if your boobs touch the wall before your nose does, then hooray. You're hired at Hooters. Which is cool. It's kind of like their way of saying, Hooters, we don't hire Jews. It's not Hooters. I don't work at Hooters.

I work in an office. And it's like a pretty standard office job kind of setup. Like I just sit in a cubicle and like use the word bandwidth a lot. I know the cubicles get kind of a bad rep, but honestly, I don't mind it at all. Like I actually can't think of a more perfect place to just sit and silently cry between the hours of 9 to 5. But it's okay, because I keep a cup underneath my face to kind of collect all the tears, and then I use that to water the plant at my desk.

Visionary, I know. I love... There you go. Veronica Kwiatkowski. This is your first time on the show, right? Yes. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been like year two.

Year two. All here in LA? Yeah. This is where you're from? I'm from San Diego. San Diego. How long has it been since you moved here? I've been here for six years.

I went to school here and I just kind of stayed. Where'd you go? UCLA. What'd you study? Economics. And what do you do now? What'd you say you do? For a job.

Yeah. I write podcast ads. You do what? Yeah, now? What did you say you do? For a job? Yeah. I write podcast ads. You do what? Yeah, I write. Have you ever written one for Kill Tony? What's that? Have you ever written one for this one?

No, I don't think you're on our network. Oh. What's your, oh. No, sorry. You must not have four hymns. Yeah, you must not be working with ZipRecruiter, 4hymns.com, Blue Apron. Oh, you do work with them. Well, so do I.

Yeah, I work at Stitcher, and then we just, all the ads that come in. Oh, Stitcher. Yeah. Very cool. Yeah, Blue Apron? Oh, you do work with them. Well, so do I. Yeah, I work at Stitcher and then we just, all the ads that come in. Oh, Stitcher. Yeah. Very cool. Yeah, it's fun. That's good. Just making sure

you weren't hating on us for a second. No, not at all, not at all. Anyway, that's interesting that you write them because they sort of say put it in your own words, right?

Yeah, they'll send us stuff and we just try to make it like as not bad as you can. Right. And sort of give guiding questions to help people ad-lib. Because a lot of hosts are not funny. A lot of podcasts are. I mean, they're great.

Thank you. We've been doing this for over five years. Thanks, Veronica. I really needed your validation. You're welcome. I think you're doing great, Tony. Thank you, Russell. I like your pants. They are good for fighting. Thanks.

They're very airy. Now, have you ever tried to get a job at Hooters before? Is that something that's real about the nose? I tried, but I failed the nose test. Yeah. Me too. I would never. Are you Jewish?

I am. Right. What do your parents do? My dad's a psychiatrist. Uh-oh. Keeping in the Jewish fashion. Yeah. Right. What do your parents do? My dad's a psychiatrist, keeping in the Jewish fashion. My mom doesn't work. She's thriving. All right. Is your dad Polish?

Yes. Like real or like American? We were like Holocaust escape Polish. So not really. Yeah, no. Does he try to be your psychiatrist and solve your problems a lot? Kind of, yeah. Is that annoying? Does he always

have you lay down on the couch and shit? Yeah, my house is just couches. That's all it is. We don't have a floor. Just couch to couch. They still live in San Diego? They do, yeah. Does he still practice? Yeah. Is he getting better? I'm not. I'm not sure. What do you do for fun? I like to watch TV.

Wow, cool! Not interesting, sorry. No, I like to watch TV. Wow, cool! Not interesting, sorry. No, I like to watch TV. Do you have any special skills or hobbies or talents or anything like that? I'm really good at jigsaw puzzles. First of all, I'm getting hard. I know. I just outed myself just having no friends.

Jigsaw puzzles? Yeah, I have no friends at all. I just sit at home. Do you live by yourself? Yes, with my puzzles. Do you have any cats? No, I my puzzles. Do you have any cats? No, I don't. No pets? No pets. How about a puzzle of a cat?

I should get one. If you had to guess how many puzzles you do a year, what would that number be? Oh, fuck. You seem puzzled by this. Just take a guess. Ballpark it. 20. Wow.

I'm a big puzzler. 20 puzzles a year. When's the last time you have a boyfriend? No How long has it been since you had a boyfriend? Like 9 months You're still picking up the pieces? Yes

Putting them back together Yeah What happened in your relationship? Why did you guys break up? He was like all you do is puzzles And you don't pay attention to me Seriously why did you guys break up? He was like, all you do is puzzles and you don't pay attention to me. Seriously, why did you guys break up?

It just wasn't right. It just wasn't working. What did he do for work? He works in music. What do you mean he works in music? He's a DJ. Like a radio DJ or a club DJ? Like a real DJ or push play? I don't really listen to music.

You don't listen to music? Not his music. What was he playing? Oots, oots, oots. Yeah. I prefer silence and puzzles. Wow. I mean, your last name's Kwiatkowski. Exactly, yeah.

That is incredible. Puzzles was your second thing to TV. Yeah, I feel like I made myself so unthoughtful. I think what she does is, no, you're an attractive woman. Thank you. Just with boring interests. There's a difference between attractive and sexy, but I mean, you're attractive. Like, you're an attractive woman. Thank you. Just with boring interests. There's a difference between attractive and sexy, but you're attractive. Thanks. You walk in, you go, oh, that's a very attractive woman.

What do you do? Puzzles and TV. Oh, come here. I know, I know. I'm aware. It's okay. The boner destroyer. That doesn't mean you can't fix it.

You can try. It's true. Put the puzzle down. Maybe if they hire me at Hooters, I'll gain some status. No, no, you don't need to be slutty. You're smarter than that. We can see this. What's something wild about you?

We know that you like to watch TV, do puzzles. What's something that we'd be surprised about? I mean, you've got to have something. I know a lot of, I've met a few, you know, in my days here in L.A., I've hung out with a couple Jewish girls that seem innocent and sweet. And it turns out there's a fucking wild side, right? What's something like that for you? Do you think there is that?

Just before you answer this. I don't know. This is my wild thing for people. But here it's not exciting. So I don't know. She's the kind of girl you marry. Yeah. She seems like a great person.

Are you kidding me? I'd kill myself after 20 minutes. I'd be so fucking bored. I know. I know. You would actually kill Tony? You're crazy. That's like the kind of girl you look for that you never find, you know?

Yeah. That's the kind of girl you look for. Right. And she registers at Hobby Lobby. I love it. Well, Veronica, it was very nice to meet you. There she goes. Her first time on Kill Tony.

Veronica Kalday. K-A-L-L-D-A-Y. All one word. All right. All one word. All right. She's cool. Oh, look at Brian getting the last word on Veronica. I don't know if you heard me the other night.

I said she's cool while you were walking back to your seat. Redman's birthday the other day, wasn't it? Yeah. Yep. All right. This looks like another new name. Put your hands together for Karina Segun. Seguno? Seguna?

Karina. If there's a Karina, it's you. Here she comes. What? All women. Yeah. One more time for Karina, everybody. Hey, what's up? I'm really stupidly insecure about some shit.

I don't like dancing in the club and a song about a big butt comes on. Anytime Sir Mix-a-Lot comes on, I'm like, it seems like a good time to go to the bathroom. Because the minute I do this, some guys will be like, hey, sit down. This song is not for you. I'm like, you know what? I'm shaking what my mama gave me, you know? He's like, well, your mama's stingy. Well, her mama was stingy, and I'm going to just keep going. Because it's like that song, when you're happy and you know it comes on,

you clap even though you're still miserable. That's me. I just shake my ass even though I ain't got it. That's all I got. Oh, my God. So nervous. You got it. That's a minute.

Hi, Karina. Hi. This is your first time on the show? This is my first time. Look at you. You're just adorable. How old are you? I look 12, but I'm 28.

Wow. 28. You have braces. I know. It's killer. And glasses. You better brace yourself for this interview. It's helping my dating life.

Hell yeah. 28 years old with braces. I think that's when the orthodontist recommends it, right? Hell yeah. How much longer you got the braces for? Six more months. Wow. You must be excited. So excited. You're going to have an unveiling party?

Yeah. There's going to be a selfie post for sure on Instagram. A little quinceañera or something like that. That's next year. Two years. I got a slow clap. Yeah, this is the first time Joel's been here at the same time as Joelina. This is interesting.

I didn't realize. Anyway, Karina, how long have you been doing stand-up? Since the end of May. Since the end of May. Since the end of May. I guess I'll do the math on this. Two months. There you go. Two-ish months.

Hell yeah. Where are you from? I'm originally born in Long Beach, but I live in Inland Empire, Claremont. I have faced many foe in Long Beach. LBC. We're pretty tough out there. I have an ex-wife from Upland, so I know all about that area.

So be careful. Upland sucks. So what made you want to start doing stand-up at 28? Well, I usually bartend, and I've got some good material. You look like The Bar. I know. A bar?

What's a skinny on that? Wow, I didn't get that one at all. You look like the bar. Can you explain that for us? Well, she's skinny. I thought a bar. And then I asked, what's the skinny on that? Wow.

Wait, I think he's getting booze, ladies and gentlemen. No, I did not hear booze. This is a guy that started his career with his own chant, and now it's come to this. You got booze from the bartender. Hey, look at that. It came full circle. Like a bar.

Anyway. Karina, what do you do for work? I'm a bartender. Get the fuck out of here. I know, what? Hey, you're built like the bar. I know. What's the skinny on that?

What are you, ID yourself? Yeah, good one, Tony. Oh, thanks, Joel. Is this the rest of the show? Good one. Hey, Joel, two guys walk into a Carina. Ouch. That was good.

I like that one. Ryu. You are all bringing dishonor to your family. Karina, you are unbelievably funny for only doing this two months. Well, I mean, I've been fighting my whole life, but I decided to make it known for everybody else, you know? Are you enjoying your short journey so far? I love it.

I fell in love with it. I did my first open mic in May, and I told myself if I didn't like it, then at least I can say I did it, and I just fell in love with it. You fell in love. So I've been going hard, like, three, four mics a week.

What are your short-term goals? Like, what's the years you've given yourself a short-term goal? Like, when I started, I said, I'll give myself seven years. And here we are 30 years later, and I'm fucked. I told myself by the end of summer I wanted ten minutes.

And I have about eight minutes, and I'm getting there. That's good. I would like to be booked on like a show on a weekend night and not like a Wednesday night. Not yet, not yet, not yet. Don't rush. Yeah, okay. There's no rush. Have you thought about IHOP?

IHOP, yeah. I mean, I don't go there. So the bar you work at is at the Inland Empire. Is it like a corporate chain or a dive bar? It's a Chili's. Whoa! Is that considered a bar? Queso dip.

Presidentes. What was that? Is that considered a bar? Chili's Bar and Grill. I know, but I don't ever hear, yo, you want to hit the bar? Chili's? We got good happy hour. Five dollar Presidentes.

Come see me. Damn. Do you free pour at all? We're not allowed to. Jiggers. What is it? Whoa, what? No, it's jiggers. You can't say that. If a Jewish person hangs on black people, that's not what you call them.

It's the little thing. You have to measure it out. Depending on if my regulars come in, my hand's heavy because my arms are so small, so the bottle's heavy. Gotcha. I see what you did there. I would break you in half. Literally.

You have a boyfriend, Karina? I do. How long you been with him? Like seven months. Seven months. Where did you meet him at? We met on a dating app. Oh, yeah?

What was the app? Bumble. Bumble. So you guys fucked the first night? No. I was really good. I waited two weeks. Wow.

I'm really proud. I'm so proud. Two weeks for a Latina girl was like eight years for a normal human. I'm not Latina at all. You're not Latina at all? I misread this. What are you? Half Sri Lankan and Filipino. Sri Lankan and Filipino?

Yeah. So your parents met in the Middle East? No, they met in New York. In New York, okay. Your dad worked in the kitchen, your mom was a server. Pretty much. There you go. They made a. Okay. Your dad worked in the kitchen. Your mom was a server. Pretty much. There you go. They made a bartender.

Yes. They knew. Two weeks. I've never met a nun in person. Karina, what does he do? He's also a stand-up comedian. Whoa. How long has he been doing it's also a stand-up comedian. Whoa. Wait a second.

Hold on. I know. Hold on a second here. How long has he been doing stand-up? For like two, three years. Oh, my God. He's a vet. I will break him in half.

He's a vet. Has he been on the show before? No, this is both our first times here. Was he up tonight? Yes. I hope so. I hope he picked his name. Oh, he's in the bucket. He was Aphrodite. So let's get this straight. You've been with him seven months.

You've been doing stand-up two months. So you met him. You went to one of his shows. You saw what he was doing and you're like, I'm funnier than this motherfucker. That's exactly what happened. His best material is me. Wow. Damn. Look at this. That's interesting. It's funny. It. His best material is me. Wow. Damn. Look at this. That's interesting.

It's funny. It took you two weeks to open for him. He's from the Inland Empire, too? Yes, he is. Wow wow how long of a trip did you guys have to make tonight what is that like an hour yeah about an hour and a half wow an hour and a half and he's been doing it two or three years and you've been doing it two months and you had a good set I'm sort of interested to see if this guy can follow you

should we bring up our boyfriend and see alright to see if this guy can follow you. Should we bring up her boyfriend and see? All right. Why don't you just give him a proper introduction? Put the mic back in the mic stand and bring him up, and he'll get 60 seconds. There you go, there you go. One more time for Karina Sagan, everybody. All right.

Put your hands together for the Fresh Prince of Egypt, everybody. Yeah. Joshua. Joshua. There you go. Wow. You know what's hard about having a lisp? Is you try to think of words to say that don't have S in them at all.

But you're put in situations sometimes. That wasn't the joke. Like for me, I'm not scared of spiders and snakes. I'm more scared of saying spiders and snakes. I try to think of synonyms for things. If you think of a synonym for synonym, let me know. For me, it's never a sofa. It's always a couch.

I'm never soaking wet. I'm only covered in water I don't have sex I make love I'm kidding I fuck Thank you guys Fuck yeah

Joshua stay there That was fucking awesome Joshua Thank you, guys. Fuck yeah. Joshua, stay there. That was fucking awesome, Joshua. Good set. Thank you. That did not turn out how I thought it was going to turn out. Yeah, that was amazing. You fucking brought the heat. You buried that bitch.

Thank you. You're like, two months, no fucking way I'm letting this happen. You think I'm going to let a piece of pussy get in my way? I have come to the conclusion that men are funnier than women. Damn, Joshua, what's your full name? Joshua Awad. Joshua Awad. Yeah, so did you go down on him?

Have you ever blown a wad? Damn. I swallow, okay? I swallow. Whoa. This little slut gets cum stuck in her braces. Can you concur? She swallow?

She doesn't. I don't want to block you, but. It's weird. She's the one that has braces, and you're the one that sounds like you have cotton in your mouth. I know. It doesn't help that I have cotton mouth. I see what you did there.

Why the long shirt? That's one of the longest t-shirts I've ever seen in my life. It's the longest, most wrinkled t-shirt I could find. No, um, this is a tall shirt that my mom got me. She thought it'd be like, I'm going to get you tall shirts. Wow. It's like a fashion thing now.

He doesn't call it a shirt. He calls it a blanket. So does Michael Jackson. Can I take that now? No, I'm kidding. Yes, you may. So Joshua, how do you like doing stand-up? You've been doing it a couple years.

Yeah, I love it. Yeah. Yeah, I love it. What else do you do for fun? For fun, I play video games. I like to edit videos. Yep, just like everybody else that sounds like you, video games and editing videos. I can't believe what I thought you were going to say. What do you do for work?

I'm not working right now. I was working in post-production, working on TV shows, but I wasn't doing anything creative, so I wanted to make the switch. To nothing? To unemployment? What are you planning on switching to? Hopefully this. Full-time stand-up comedy? Yeah, I'm going hard.

But that doesn't mean you can't edit still. No, no safety net. If you have a safety net, then you have one foot out. Damn, look at that. Wow, that's an interesting take on it. Have you been getting any gigs? Yeah, I've been getting a couple gigs. You have money saved up from editing and all that?

It ran out. Wow, so what are you doing? How are you surviving? How long ago did you quit the editing? It's been two years. So can you give us an example of some day-to-day survival methods since you've run out of money? He was only one year into stand-up when he quit editing. How does it feel to be rendered useless?

How are you surviving, Joshua? My overhead is really low. I live at home. And your shirt is really long. So wait, where do you guys fuck then? You live at home with your parents? I live at home with my mom, yeah. Oh, okay.

So where do you guys fuck then? At home with my mom, very awkwardly. With your mom? No, no. Damn, that's crazy. So your mom's Egyptian? Yeah, I'm Egyptian, yeah. How'd you know that, Russell?

Because she said the Egyptian pharaoh or some shit. Oh, yeah, the fresh prince of Egypt. That's what it was, yeah. And now Aphrodite's like, oh, baby. She wants to, she could study you later. She sounded like a Popeye's commercial just now. Oh, man. Your mom's Egyptian?

Yeah, and my dad. Oh, okay. But they're not together anymore? No, no, they've been broken up for a few years. They parted, like the Red Sea. Oh, man. Are you in, are you accepted it, or are you in, are you accepted it

or are you in denial? If this was at midnight, I'd give you all the points. Damn. What did they break up over? Camel. Cigarettes, cigarettes. I don't know.

I was grown by then, so it didn't really affect me as much. How old are you, Josh? I'm 28. Okay. Oh, you guys are the same age. Yeah. That's nice. Wow.

Would you say you're in love, you two? Yes, yes, yes. I did not hesitate. She waited for your response to answer To be honest with you Are you in love? I'm in love, yeah I didn't know her voice could get higher Uh oh, she likes him more than he likes her

You gotta do it. Wow. Look at that. That was the saddest thing I've ever seen. She really tried to do it. And that's literally coming from a monster.

That's not Pharaoh. You couldn't make her hands clap. Yeah. Even her butt goes inland. Alright, well, I mean, that was really awesome. That was a fun thing where I was expecting the girl that's been doing it for two months to be funnier

than the guy that's been doing it for a couple years. But Joshua Awad on your first time here on Kill Tony, you fucking crushed. Thank you for doing this. You guys are one of my favorite young couples in all of comedy, all the way from the Inland Empire. Karina Sagoon

and Joshua Awad, everybody. Come on. Awad Awad a mercy. This is a very female-friendly episode of Kill Tony. Put your hands together for Robin Blake, everyone. Robin Blake. Here she comes. Hey, make some noise if you're happy. Make some noise if you're hot and sweaty in this bitch.

Make some noise if you have genital herpes. I've had a lot of unprotected sex. I did not get one STD. I got two STDs. My name is Robin. Most people call me sir. My best friend told me, he said, Robin, if you want people to stop calling you sir, you gotta start wearing makeup. Started wearing makeup, people stopped calling me sir. Started calling me brave. Damn.

Robin Blake. Welcome, welcome. So this is your first time on the show, right? Your microphone, Robin, over there. Let's grab that microphone. Fuck yeah. We know you like tucking things that look like microphones away, but let's just keep it for now.

Put it right up there next to your Adam's apple, Robin. I want to be able to listen to you. Come on, I can say these things. It's 2018. You signed up for this shit. I got a sense of humor. Is it okay if we call you Bob? No, no, my name's Robin. I legit, I got two X chromosomes.

What does that, what does help us out? What does that mean exactly? That means I'm a biological female. Fuck yeah, you're a bad bitch. That's what you are. You had a great set tonight. We're just talking here. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years.

Two years. All here in LA? Well, I'm actually from the IE too. Have you ever gone to the Chili's over there? I'm from Pomona, so it's part of L.A. County. Pomona!

I grew up there my whole life. But I do comedy out here, yeah. Yeah, okay. What do you do for a living? I'm a webcam model. What do you do on the webcam? I flex. What are you doing?

What's happening? Oh, shit. She's flexing. She is built like a fucking brick house. God damn. I just hadoukened my pants again. You are chun lethal. For those of you listening to the podcast,

Robin looks like she carries trees for a living. She looks like a mountain climber. Yeah. Like those rock walls. How are you built that way? You're built like a fucking brick house. Genetics. Extra genetics.

I wish. I'll tell you what. I took steroids for like three years. Uh-huh. Yeah, go ahead. But this is all I got. I didn't work hard enough. I should have been so much bigger.

I'm just... Did you get like a... Oh, it's this big. Like a thumb clip. enough I should be so much bigger I'm just I didn't work hard enough. Oh it's this big. It's this big. Oh that's impressive. When it's hard, when it's hard, when it's erect. So they do not call you hungry then? Is that on the webcam too?

Absolutely. Are you on my free cams or which one? I think she's supposed to be on your free cams. Hey, just call me later, man. What's it called? Chatterbait? Chatterbait, yeah. Chatterbait.

All right, you creeps. I usually do not repeat jokes on this podcast, but I feel like a phenomenal one just slipped by. I said, so they do not call you Hung Lee then? Yeah! Yeah! Jeremiah Watkins just killed himself. So Robin, what are you into? You took steroids for a few years. Did you take steroids and bodybuild or just take steroids?

I bodybuild. I used to. I wanted to focus more on comedy. I realized the bodybuilding world, I'm a big fan of it, but it promotes it was really competitive and it really triggered my body dysmorphia.

So I had to take a break. When you say that it triggered body dysmorphia. So I had to take a break. When you say that it triggered body dysmorphia, if you don't mind talking about it, can you give us an example of what you mean by that? Well, like, okay, I love my body, but then when it got competitive, I couldn't see my body the way it really was. Hold on, Brian.

Okay, okay. didn't see my body the way it really was hold on brian okay okay i knew that was coming i know i watched i listened to this keep going though i'm interested to hear your actual answer here this is a very interesting interrupt me you know um let's see uh You know, I'm a personal trainer, too. I've done everything. I've driven for Lyft. I'm about to become a security guard. I don't know. Like, when it comes to, like, bodybuilding, it's just that, I mean, like, I like being athletic.

I think what happened was I didn't like the pageantry of it. Right. But I like the performance aspect. But you're limited as a woman because we don't get a lot of time to pose. Yeah, you didn't like the gay shit. Oh, my God. I have no idea what is happening. No, she's a woman.

Perhaps the paint is going through his skin and he's having an allergic reaction or something. What is that greenhouse paint you put on? What is happening with Joel Burke tonight? Remember, he is a monster. That wasn't me that said that. He's shooting a bunch of blonks tonight. So, Robin,

you into boys, girls? What's your story? You just beat the shit out of dudes? What do you do? Women. I like women. Hell yeah. I got a crush on Cassandra.

Oh, damn. How could you not? So do I. Look at her. Amazing. I will fight you if you agree to the terms. Oh, shit. Jeremiah, be careful.

Be careful. All right. Nope, nope, nope. He's kidding. He's just a jokester. This is how all my friends get hurt. Last time Jeremiah took a chance like that, it was on a skateboard covered in pads.

I brought dishonor to my family that day. Robin, we have a little tradition on this show that we just did also in Fort Wayne. It's a little game, but if you don't mind playing it, it's a little game called What's in That Fanny Pack? You don't have to pull out everything, but if you just want to show us something, it's almost like show and tell.

You basically get to pick what you think might be the most interesting thing out of fanny packs. We only do this with fanny packs, not purses. I bet my... This is called... What? Whoa! This is going to be interesting.

Dog poop? Is that a McChicken? It's a McChicken sandwich. Whoa! Wow. A fucking chicken sandwich. Hell yeah, Ryu's going crazy. Is that half a chicken sandwich? Have you ate half

of that already? Like a quarter. Damn! You're a fucking... Is that like a weed chicken sandwich? Have you ate half of that already? Like a quarter. I ate like two thirds. Damn. You're a fucking. You ate a quarter. Is that like a weed chicken sandwich? Just don't eat all of it. You'll get really fucked up. Robin, is my regret for saying gay shit in there?

Dude, you and I are cool. We're friends. That's right. I love you. All right. What else is in that fanny pack? Remember the episode that Joel Berg broke everybody? I am Blanca.

I am a street fighter. Oh. Jesus Christ. The whole house of cards is crumbling. Well, Robin, I will tell you this, is that I find you so goddamn interesting. I've spent more time with you than any other person via the clock tonight,

and I wish I could spend more time. I have, like, so many more questions. I think you're so goddamn interesting. Thank you. That means a lot. So I really hope that you'll sign up and come back again, will you? We're friends. She'll be around. Her first time on Kill Tony, Robin Blake, ladies and gentlemen. Another person all the way from the Inland Empire.

Hell yeah. There she goes, Robin Blake. We have a regular on this show. Whereas so many people get pulled out of the bucket, there's one guy that writes and performs a brand new minute every single week, and he's been doing so for the last few months. In that time, he's gained a huge fan base of his own from being on this show.

He's gotten big-time agents, managers, everything. This kid is fucking hilarious. And he writes and performs a brand new minute every week on this show. Make some noise for him. It's the great and powerful Malcolm Hatchett. Lay down. hell yeah. What's up, y'all? Man, I rode a roller coaster for the first time. It took me 24 years to ride a roller coaster. I ain't a bitch no more because I rode a roller coaster.

That shit was scary, though. I don't know about y'all, but when I get scared to do shit, I just tell random people around I love them. When I was getting on the roller coaster, a lady was helping me strap her. I was like, excuse me, miss. I don't know you like that, but I love you. She's like, um, I'm married.

I was like, I love that nigga, too. Could you call him just in case I don't make it back? And then the ride took off, and that's when I called on God. I was like, Lord, if you stop this shit, I go to church every Sunday. And you know when a ride dip, you supposed to scream, but ain't shit come out my mouth? It was like... And then it started to spin. This dude was like like who's sucking dick

keep going yes finish it hold on wait wait wait and then the ride went back and then the ride went back to the entrance and I was like this it they were like yeah I was like oh yeah And then the ride went back to the entrance, and I was like, this it? They were like, yeah. I was like, ah! Oh, yeah.

Fuck, yeah. You did it again, Malcolm. That's true. You've been riding roller coasters? I rode one in Vegas. I tried to break it down to a minute. My bad. Which one, though? The shit about New York, New York.

It's a big one, man. That's your first roller coaster? Hell, yeah. Wow's your first roller coaster? Hell yeah. Wow. And my last. Yeah, it was cool, though. It was straight, man. Man, that's a lot of fun.

Did you do that? You didn't do that zip line thing? Hell no. I mean, I'll probably do the zip line maybe one day. I don't want to go back home, but you can, like, touch the grass when you go across. Yeah, you were doing gigs at the, what, the Laugh Factory in Vegas or the Comedy Cellar. Oh, the Laugh Factory. Yeah.

How was that? A lot of fun? Yeah, it was real nice. All right. Very, very, a lot of noise coming from that main room, green room tonight. That's a first. What the fuck? You need my belt?

It's taken years for idiots to ruin that one for me. Who is it back there? Enemies. I mean, it's unbelievable. Who has the fucking balls? Man, someone's getting reamed after tonight's show. That's going to be exciting to keep an eye on. I'm going to send Robin Blake in to beat their ass in a second.

She is doing security. Hell yeah. So, Malcolm, how's everything else going? What else is going on in life? You're fucking taking over. You're still living in your car, right? Yeah, I be with my friends, but I be in the car too. Yep. Hey, you don't know what's crazy? Yeah. I went to the doctor to see if I was a

diabetic, and I ain't a diabetic, so he said keep eating sugar. No, he didn't say that. He did not say that. No, he did. Why did you think you were diabetic? Because I eat a lot of sugar, and my dad, he died from diabetes, so I was just trying to go get checked. Were you close? So you were just trying to see if you could push it along? Did they tell you, like, you could be diabetic in the future?

No, he said, you're good. Go get some candy. He did not say go get some candy. No, he did not. You're lying to me because you know that I care about you, and I told you that you've been eating too much candy, and now you're lying to me on the show about the doctor prescribing you fucking candy. He was like,

I don't see what the problem is. Go eat some sugar. He did not say go eat some sugar, Malcolm. You're lying. We're live streaming around the globe right now. I'm going to go back and I'm going to record them, put it on Snapchat and tag you. I swear to God you better. I'm an Aries. Aries don't lie. Record it.

You have a nice lawsuit in the future that you can get a lot of money for. I love sugar. I've been chilling, man. I love it, man. I love it. Have you done any remodeling in the car? I got a new car since last time. Look at you. Instead of getting an apartment, you got another car.

Yeah. Remodels. My floor mats, they say welcome now. Nice. They misspelled Malcolm. Damn, Malcolm. I fucking love it, man. It's so much fun. We were just in Montreal, and Jeremiah crushed it on new faces,

and I was thinking about you, and I was thinking about you and I was thinking about you know how it's funny how it took them years longer than it should have to get Jeremiah in there and and I'm just so excited for the uh you know just like I was with him I'm so excited for the world and all those silly idiots that run show business to find you and watch you explode like I think it's going to be. Same thing with Haddish. We were just talking about this earlier where it's like she was on this show so many goddamn times, just part

of the family. Once you're gone, you're gone. She doesn't return calls anymore. Have you met her yet? Have you met Haddish yet? I came here a year ago in April for a showcase and she hosted for me, but she was high so she don't remember me but not i met her but she don't remember she will maybe yeah probably you know i uh i during the uh i don't think i've ever told you this but during the five-year anniversary for this show in the couple weeks leading up to it i

you know i had joe roan and Dom Irera booked, and I was putting together in my head some cool things for the show, what else I could do. And I hit up Tiffany, one of our close old friends, right? Like me, her, and Red Band headlined triple headline shows

all around the country together. We've been everywhere together and all this. And I sent her a message. I go, hey, you know, we already have guests booked for this big five year anniversary, but if you want to do something cool, you should stop into the store if you're free at about 9 40 PM. Cause we have a regular on this show, Malcolm, who's amazing. And I think it'd be the coolest thing. If you just swung through the fire exit back door, Josh will let you in. You can come out, say you people can accomplish your dreams in your own way you know i sent her this message then it turns out that night she was hosting the fucking mtv video awards i know how stupid am i

hey if you want to swing by keltonian give some words of encouragement i'm such an idiot she's hosting the fucking mtv video award hosting the She's filming her like 10th movie right now. It's unbelievable. We are just so proud of her. You can look back on so many great episodes of Kill Tony and not only see her on the panel, but she was also the Iron Patriot a couple episodes. Imagine that.

And anyway, long story short, Malcolm, you're a fucking star too. Thank you for doing this every week. There he goes, Malcolm Hatchett. It's getting hot in here. Extremely hot. Let's get that AC up in here. Who's working this joint?

Fucking seven door guys, nobody keeping an eye on the thermostat. I don't understand why we have so many door guys. This reminds me of the time I battled Balrog in Jamaica. All right. Back to the bucket we go. Is that good with you guys?

Back to the bucket? Huh? All right. Let's see what happens here. This looks like a new name. Put your hands together for Vincent Bryant. Vincent Bryant. Vincent Bryant. People are walking other directions.

Nope. Blacklisted. Wow. Jeez Louise. Vincent missed his spot. Is that Carrie? Hi. Make some noise for Carrie everybody. One of the coolest bartenders at the comedy store. Hell yeah. I pulled another name out of the coolest bartenders at the Comedy Store. Hell yeah. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Ladies' Night will continue.

Put your hands together for Sarah Lawrence. Sarah Lawrence, Sarah Lawrence, Sarah Lawrence, Sarah Lawrence, Sarah Lawrence. Wow. Jesus Christ. These people sign up, and then they get scared to death. So many females this show. It's crazy.

Okay, put your hands together. She's in the bathroom? She's taking a shit? Damn. All right, Brian. Wait, really? I mean, really? What do you think is going to happen when you say something like that?

Were you expecting the crowd to go crazy? She's taking a shit? That's what somebody just yelled out. That's what you really thought. That's what your brain... Somebody just yelled out, she's taking a shit. That's what somebody just yelled out. That's what your brain... That's what you just said. Someone else said she's in the bathroom. And somebody goes, she's taking a shit.

That was you. You said it into the microphone. I repeated what they said. Why would you repeat what a normal brained audience member says? Because. There she is. Here she is, Sarah Lawrence, everybody. See, it worked. You guys ever have sex with somebody without a condom

and then freak out that you got an STD so you go and get an STD check and then before you get the results of the STD check back, you have sex with somebody else without a condom and then it turns out you definitely gave them the thing that you thought that you had? I'm just asking for a friend. It's not...

Everything's fine. I cut my hair like this, I got an undercut, and all my American, I was in the toilet, that's why. All my American friends are like, oh girl, I love it, it's so edgy. It's so you, it's so fierce, I love it. All my Australian friends are like, hey Sarah, why'd you cut your hair like a fucking lesbo? I used to play professional basketball.

I know what you guys are thinking. Since when did they start calling women's basketball professional? I actually broke my pelvis. Here's, it's ended my career. Here's the move. Okay. Focus. So I went to do a crossover and then I fucked three black guys. My friend went out with a guy and she said at the end of the date they went to try and have sex and they couldn't because his dick was too big and I was like what is this number Sarah Lawrence

Sarah Lawrence fresh out of the shitter yes there you go. What happened? I had... You all right, Sarah? No, I barely flushed the toilet.

I washed my hands, though. Sorry. This is the... It's wet from my... What the fuck? Oh, that's from your hands. Okay, very good. I thought that was...

In America, you can flush those. Thanks, Isabella, for coming to get me. Wow. So, Sarah Lawrence, you just performed comedy, out of breath, and very fast. I've never heard a female auctioneer perform stand-up before. That was some interesting stuff. Is it true that you used to be a professional basketball player? Yes.

Really? Yeah. In Australia? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yes. Really? Yeah.

In Australia? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I fractured my pubic bone. I'm listening. What did you fracture it on? Okay, so I did do a crossover, and then I pulled all my adductor, and then we were doing a training camp,

and I didn't want to be a pussy and stop, because I was like... Your pussy stopped you. Yay! So I kept training, and the training day was like a 12-hour training day, and then I just kept training through it, and it just got worse and worse and worse, and then I had time off, and it never got better,

and I did all this kind of surgery before I got the actual surgery, and none of it worked, and it was very sad. So you had some problems down under? They had to take the shrimp off of Barbie. Kangaboo. Wow, so how long were you... Okay.

How long were you... How long were you an Australian professional basketball player? A couple years. A couple years. But she's definitely going to be Australian forever. Yeah. How long have you been in America? I've been here for four years. Four years.

Yes. How's that going for you? Really good. What part of Australia are you from? I'm from Perth, which is like the left. I know it. I know it well. Okay, great, great, great. Where's your wife from? Melbourne. Melbourne.

You don't have to say it like that just because that's what she says. Yeah, Perth's on the other side. The other side. Gold mining town. That's where my tour started this year in Perth. Really? Yep. I remember Perth because that's where Uma says that Bill is from in the movie Kill Bill when they lie to the guy that she's marrying.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. She kind of looks like Uma. Yeah, a little bit. There's a little bit of Uma there. Your shirt says, fuck Kanye. Why? Why is that? I knew this was going to happen. I was like, I bet you if I put on a ridiculous shirt.

So I bought it like four years ago when he did something really dumb like four years ago, and I was like, fuck that guy. And I bought the shirt. I don't remember. Isn't that funny how Kanye's haters can't even remember what the fuck he did people that just listen to fucking slow shitty acoustic music all the time like fuck that guy i'll just wear a shirt that says fuck him people will think i'm cool actually everyone's been really upset about it so you know what everyone's been actually pissed off

i've like divided the crowd half the people nobody cares that much about kanye cool well really upset about it. So, you know. What? Everyone's been actually pissed off. I've like divided the crowd. Half the people are like... Nobody cares that much about Kanye. Cool, well. I sort of do a little bit. Everyone in America does. I know you do, which is absolutely...

I forgot about that until just now. Yeah, he's one of the great artists of our time. Great, great, great, great, great. Cool. If you want to take a shot at her, make fun of men at work or something. Fuck, I'm old.

I don't know who else is from there. Isn't it weird that Kanye is the only black guy that you could even have a shirt that says fuck this guy on the shirt? Isn't there something a little bit wrong with that? If someone was like, fuck Obama, everybody would be like, what the fuck is that lady doing on stage? Obama's awesome and Kanye's a douche.

What? He might have nice music, but he's a bit of a douche, isn't he? Objectively douchey. The crowd didn't necessarily go crazy. There's an angry one white, white, angry blonde chick over there clapping her hands, sitting in the cheap seats. Isn't every seat the same? Yeah, but I mean, you didn't have to expose that.

You really just ruined my little parade. Of cheapness. Anyway. But you can't remember what he did four years ago? What did he do? Was it when he... Which Grammy

was it that he won? Maybe it was after the Taylor Swift thing. Maybe that was why. It's not like I'm a Taylor Swift fan. No, you are now. You big, happy Taylor Swift Swift fan You want to take sides in music Looks like you picked the fucking Taylor Swift side You loser

You kind of look more Taylor Swift-y Than you do Kanye Do I? Of course Kanye would break your pubic bone If he had a chance But anyway Alright Sarah How's life going in America? Really good, man.

Really good. Can I ask you what you do for a living? I have an events company. An events company? Events company. What kind of events? Bartending, craft cocktails and stuff. Okay, yes. We've talked about this.

Alright, cool. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up and you're not planning events? I went on a bumble date. Be careful, you know, it happened to the other couple. Yeah, it was hilarious because they stormed out and we were like, oh shit. So I don't know where they've gone.

Yeah, that was hilarious. So your Bumble date, how did that go down? What was that like? Where did you go? Really good. So it was my first time, and it was his first time, and we met up, and everything's good. Did you shag, as they say?

We did shag. Yeah, we shagged. Not on the first night. What kind of an Australian girl are you? You didn't fuck on the first night. I'm a period, so I couldn't do it. So it's handy. So it makes it look like I'm fancy. Was your asshole bleeding? Am I right? Periods are

never an issue for Ryu. His knuckles are red. Cool, cool. If you took the wig off, you'd see you guys have the same haircut. So you'd be a magical couple. All right. Sarah, we're going to keep moving along. There she goes. Sarah Lawrence, what do you guys say?

Keep it going. Go back to the bucket one more time. What do you guys think? All right. You guys seem like you're down for it. Here we go. Let's see what happens, shall we? Round and round we go.

Where the bucket stops. Put your hands together for Avery Hutto. Avery Hutto. Avery Hutto. Here he comes from long distance. I think the first deer to grow antlers was

insecure. I think there was like to grow antlers was insecure. I think there was like some teenage deer named Brian looking in the mirror before school one day, just freaking out because he had horns growing out of his head. But what do you do? You play it cool. You go to school. But once he gets there, he sees the school bully Chet. Chet is a fucking asshole. Chet's like, what's wrong with you, menorah head? Which is super offensive because Brian's Jewish. But, oh, fuck.

I came up here, I lost my voice, and I went nowhere. Fuck that bit. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, I know. Oh, I was so pumped. And then you come up here and you're like, no. Oh, okay, never mind. You guys like these pants?

Yeah. I had to fight a nurse to get them. I don't know. I just hear sadness in my own voice. It sounds so bad. I'm like hearing it and I'm like, oh, who is this guy? No. No.

Oh, my God. Fuck, yeah. Avery Hutto. This was very impressive. Clearly this is Avery's first time hearing the sound of his own voice. We've never really had this

happen on this show before. Avery, today you were Brian the Deer. Yeah! You didn't like the deer bit. I thought you were performing one of the funniest children's books I had ever heard in my life. It's one where it works half the time and people really get into it and they're paying attention. Where's this?

Yeah, when you say half the time. I want to go to that gig too. I want to play that. No, it works, but sometimes the crowd looks at me like i'm crazy and i hear like the ah in my voice and i just couldn't keep it going i just lost a little they look at you a little doughy eyed yeah and i'm like oh no oh no this is not good wow today you lost the battle within avery how long you been doing stand-up? About two years

How old are you? I'm 24 Do you grow facial hair at all? I do not I shaved today, but I got nothing going on I will fight you if you agree to the terms Avery, you from LA? No, I'm from Detroit.

Detroit. Do you know, what's his name, Jordan? No, I think they're from two different neighborhoods. No. Yeah, no way. I'm from Detroit, unless you're from Detroit, and then I'm from the suburbs. Yeah, exactly.

You've been there. You know how it is. Nitty, he's not my friend Frank Nitty. He's very Detroit. He's here. Avery, you live by yourself? No, I live with roommates here. I just moved here like two months ago.

Two months ago. How many roommates do you have? I have, you know Aaron McCann, the Irish comedian who you brought up here, lives with all those people. The 30 people guy? The 30 people guy. Get the fuck out of here. I'm one of those guys. No way.

You live in that place? Holy shit. How much are you paying in rent? It's $ guy. Get the fuck out of here. I'm one of those guys. No way. You live in that place? Holy shit. How much are you paying in rent? It's $700. So here's the deal. There's no... It's month to month. You don't have to pay a security deposit. I'm looking for other places, but I was like... In the house? I was in

Detroit like, oh, I don't know what I'm doing. I like doing comedy, and then I found this place. I'm like, fuck it. No security deposit. I'm doing like I like doing comedy and then I found this place I'm like fuck it no security deposit I'm gonna move to LA what's the grossest thing you've seen in that house? don't say those pants maybe we should tell the audience

for the people that don't know he lives with 30 people in a big giant house with 30 people and how many bathrooms are there? 4 that is not a giant house. So what's the craziest thing that you've seen there? 30 people. You've been there two months.

You know, it's not that garbages are bad. There's nothing really that bad. It's a pretty normal place. Just garbage. Just trash everywhere. Just a usual trash house. No, they have cleaning people who come once a day. Or Mexicans.

Yeah. Yeah. They are, of course. But they are making some money. Like, they know what they're doing. And there's shitty artists. You have such a little baby face. Yeah.

What do you do for a living? Baby face. I just moved here. I don't have a job yet. You saved up money in Detroit? Or you have your parents take care of you a little bit? Saved up money, moved out here. What did you save it up from?

I actually worked at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle. Oh, yes. I've been there. I was a server there, and then I worked as a server at a breakfast restaurant. Which one? The Griddle? Toast in Birmingham. You guys are going to go to Detroit.

Check it out. Toast. Okay. Yeah. All right. I am so upset with myself i just lost that i lost that uh i'm upset with you you know the good thing about you is i like you are actually the white guy you look like like you're not like trying to be somebody else it's like oh yes no yeah this is

me this is me let me ask you something you beat you bailed out of that deer bit on Menorah Head. Yes. Right? That's where, yeah. I mean, if you want to let me do the bit, I'm calm now. I want to hear the rest of this bit. Okay. I'm a big believer in trying to figure out whether you should have kept doing it or not.

I want to see if you made the right decision. Do you guys think the first deer to grow antlers was insecure? trying to figure out whether you should have kept doing it or not. I want to see if you made the right decision. Do you guys think the first deer to grow antlers was insecure? Wait, wait, wait, wait. You don't have to start all the way from the beginning. It's called a way. Just go. You know what?

Do it your way. Go ahead. Can I just say something before you start? I don't think you should pose it as a question. You should just say it as a statement. Got it. And that'll sell it better because now they don't have to think about it. Yep. Look at me.

Look at me. I think the first year to grow antlers was insecure. I think there was some teenage deer named Brian looking in the mirror one day, freaking out because he had horns growing out of his head. But what do you do? You play it cool, you go to school. But he gets to school, the school bully Chet's there.

Chet is a fucking asshole. Chet's like, what's wrong with you, menorah head? Which is super offensive because Brian was Jewish. But Brian plays it cool because prom is coming up in two weeks, and he's going to ask Bambi. Now, for those of you who don't know, Bambi, super popular name for deer. So this is a different Bambi, but this Bambi just as hot. Right?

So he goes up to Bambi, but right when he gets to Bambi, Chet's like, you're going to talk to Bambi looking like that? Freak. And at this point, Brian snaps. He takes his antlers and he murders Chet, right? But murder is super hot in the deer community, right? So Bambi's like, oh my gosh, I'm totally gonna fuck Brian. And then her friends are like, no, we're gonna fuck Brian. And now all deer have antlers. By the way,

I'd hate to say it, but I was motherfucking right. I knew there was something in that deer bit. It had to be. Yeah, it had to be because it's just too weird of a beginning, and you bailed out. And by the way, I used to do that shit all the time. When I was first starting stand-up, man, and it took me fucking a hard, regular, every fucking night a couple years to really learn to stay in the goddamn pocket.

Now that bit's clearly probably longer than a minute anyway. But now we all are growing antlers. One of the hardest things to do in this art form is to stay in the pocket and just keep, stick,

the quarterbacks that wait and wait and wait until the last second and still throw it right before they get fucking smashed are the people that win championships you know you can't panic when the first couple parts of a thing don't work because you were just coming around the corner yeah and uh it had life and it's a silly fucking thing and uh and russell advice, by the way, that the question thing never works. Just get right to it. And that's universal for every bit ever.

There's no reason to ever ask a question for any of you comedians, so just know that. I love that one idiot lady just laughed. Like, that's a joke he just said. She'll fail her entire life. Not listening to the great advice advice just giving away for free audience hates us the second we walk out they fucking hate you like that's just what we feel we walk out and we go they fucking hate me and now you asked them a question like this asshole

just asked me a question i don't even fucking like him yeah so you know and when you did it you had everybody and you know what what? I see a good career. You're young. If they ever do a flashback of when the... The Louis C.K. story. Fuck, I was going to say. Just the guy from Ballers. Just him jerking off with a smaller dick.

You know, just... If Rob Corddry ever needs somebody to play his flashback. Oh, yeah, that's better. Yeah. There you go. Cool. There he goes. Avery Hutto, everybody.

His first time on Kill Tony. I think we all learned something every episode on this show. He's on Twitter at Avery underscore Hutto. Ryan, just wait one second. Ryan, just wait one second. You know, we normally don't do silly things on this show, but I want to do something special because this guy never really gets the credit he deserves. A couple days ago,

Brian Redband celebrated a birthday, everybody, and we have a little special thing that we made for you. Happy birthday to you. Look, it's Keto Brownies from Cassandra Cass, everyone. Day dear Red Band. Everybody! Happy birthday to you.

It's a Keto cake. Brian Red Band. Aphrodite. With balloons that she probably pulled out of her ass. And Cassandra Cass made you a cake. And much like Cassandra, I'm guessing that doesn't have nuts either. She dropped a cake, everybody. Just goes to show you, there's still a little man in there.

She dropped the fucking cake. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much. And that's episode blibbity-blop of Kill Tony. We did it. Happy birthday, Brian Redband. We love you. Ryan Shaib, I'll do tonight's episode.

The great Russell Peters. Do you have any dates coming up you want to plug or anything like that? Actually, Tony, I do. I'm playing the Forest Hills Stadium in Queens, New York, August 18th. Queens, New York. That's where they do the U.S. Open, and I need you there because it's 12,000 seats. Hell yeah. For those of you listening to the stream in New York,

tell your friends, Russell Peters coming to Queens. Look at that drawing from Ryan J. Evel, special Street Fighter edition. How about you make some noise for the great Jeremiah Watkins, everybody? Jeremiah Wonders is out. It's one of my favorite new podcasts. We just did The Fighter and The Kid together today. What else, Jeremiah? Jeremiah Wonders is out. It's one of my favorite new podcasts.

We just did The Fighter and The Kid together today. What else, Jeremiah? Follow me on social media at JeremiahStandUp. Reagan and Watkins will be headlining the rec room on the 15th in Huntington Beach and the 26th in Valley Bar in Phoenix. Bring some friends. Chroma Chris was here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Silent but deadly.

Chris, what did you think about tonight's episode? Tony wins. Knockout. Perfect. I don't know how I played the game. Now you know why he doesn't talk that much, folks. Follow him on social media at Chroma Chris. Joelberg!

There's a lot of Joelberg fans in the audience tonight. They got their funnies worth. Hey, shout out to Cleveland, Cincinnati, Indiana. We love you. Thank you. We are going so many places with this show, but you heard that at the beginning.

Nashville, Lansing, Grand Rapids, Detroit, Toronto, Venus de Milo in Swansea, Boston, Providence, San Antonio, Houston, Austin, Fort Worth. It's all happening, so go see Kill Tony live. rapids detroit toronto venus de milo and swansea boston providence san antonio houston austin fort worth it's all happening so go see kill tony live i also have a bunch of stand-up dates i'm doing during uh some of those dates and we're all doing stand-up on some of those dates and uh yeah uh also i do a pro wrestling podcast and we're watching summer slam live from the belly room here at the end of August, whatever that date is. I got it confused. I'm not exactly sure.

And that's Kill Tony Live. Thanks to all the comedians that signed up and got up. Thanks to Cassandra Kass for making a cake for Brian. Thank you, Cassandra. It's a keto cake. It only fell on the ground once. You're going to love it. Live audience, thank you.