KILL TONY - KILL TONY #292

Episode Date: September 20, 2018

Sklar Brothers, Daniel Van Kirk, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 09/17/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv for all the past episodes. Also, you can click on Tour Dates and come see us live. Not only do we

record every Monday at the World Famous Comedy Store in the main room at 8 o'clock, but we also are going on the road. We're actually doing a tour. Going to Lansing, Michigan, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Detroit, Toronto, San Francisco, and a bunch of other places.

Check out DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. Check him out, RyanJEbelt.com. Tony Hinchcliffe has a website. That's TonyHinchcliffe.com. All the Golden Pony info and news and tour dates you need is at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you're looking for all the t-shirts of the Death Squad universe, including the new Kill Tony shirt, go to ShopSquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe. Thank you. Wow, you must have said my name. Hell yeah. Hi, everyone.

Welcome to Kill Tony. You're here live at the number one live podcast in the world. This is exciting stuff. Brian Redband's here, everybody. Hey, guys. What's up? Another beautiful day. Exciting stuff happening. Ryan J. Ebel's here, everyone,

drawing tonight's episode while you all sit there spoiled rotten. He's sweating bullets over there, drawing tonight's episode as it happens. He draws every episode. All those prints are at ryanjebelt.com, including the Kill Tony poster. I'm excited

about this. It's good to be home. It's going to be a good one. We're in beautiful Los Angeles with some of our finest audience members, some of our funniest guests in the back. We're taking this thing on the road this week. We are going to Lansing, Grand Rapids, and Detroit Thursday, Friday, and Saturday with the entire crew.

Those are Kill Tonys and stand-up shows in both cities. Lansing needs to catch up. I think the Grand Rapids kill Tony sold out today. The Detroit kill Tony sold out a couple weeks ago. Lansing, there's still some available tickets. I don't even know where Lansing is. Do you? Let's not insult Lansing. We're trying to sell them tickets right now. The next week, I'm in Toronto doing stand up comedy shows, these crazy Canadian solo stand-up shows where I just do an hour. No opener, no nothing.

I just walk out like some French guy and do an hour, and then that's it. We sold out the Kill Tony. That's on that 28th at midnight. But there's still tickets available to see me at the Royal Theatre, the 26th, 27th, and 28th of September. Then the next weekend, I'm in Chicago, October 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th with my friend Benji Aflalo featuring

for me there from the hit show Alone Together with our friend Esther Pabitsky. And then October 12th, Kill Tony Mania, live from San Francisco. It's a very big deal. Two Kill Tonys in one night for the first time ever at the gigantic, amazing comedy club known as Cobbs. And then I do stand-up the weekend after that in

Mohegan Sun, Connecticut. And then we do Kill Tony after that in Swansea, Massachusetts. So if you live in Boston or Providence, go to that. The next week, San Antonio, Kill Tonys and stand-up shows. Austin, Kill Tony and stand-up show. Same for Houston. Four stand-up shows in Fort Worth, Texas, and another Kill Tony. And then I do November 29th to December 1st in Baltimore. That's just me doing stand-up. And then I do stand-up all by myself on New Year's Eve.

Dallas, Texas, New Year's Eve. Has paid the proper amount of money that it takes to get Tony Hinchcliffe to your city on New Year's Eve. Dallas figured it out. They hit the number. So fun times. Special shout out to Blue Apron Zip Recruiter for hymns.com, Stamps, all of our favorite friends, all of our best pals, and let's just jump right into it, shall we? That's pretty much it.

You guys ready to start this puppy or what? Am I missing something? I feel like I'm missing something. Hello to the thousands and thousands on YouTube. And yeah, I have a recipe written on this for a healthy smoothie. That doesn't belong there. I got all these things mixed up. Oh, there it is. So let's do it. Let's bring out tonight's guests, shall we? I always have some of the funniest human beings in the world on every single episode. This week is no different. Ladies and gentlemen, they are truly some of our favorite guests. They've all been on the show before.

Make some noise for, it's Dumb People Town. The Sklar Brothers and Daniel Van Kirk, everybody. This is what we call a funny episode. Sometimes we have compelling episodes. Sometimes we have, you know, purely educational episodes. Sometimes we have, you know, movie stars on the show. This is not this episode. Oh, wow.

This is what we would consider a highly concentrated, funny episode of Kill Tony. Are you guys excited to have a funny episode of Kill Tony? Well, guys, welcome, welcome. It's good to be here. Great energy from the crowd. It's like jury duty in here. Jesus Christ. Wake the fuck up.

You're not going to get selected unless you want to be. We have this couple right here texting each other. Yeah, that's bizarre. That's always nice to see. Hey have this couple right here texting each other. Yeah, that's bizarre. That's always nice to see. Hey, bro, we up in the club. We up in the club. I love it. He's rocking the 2009 earpiece.

Way to go. Yes. He just took out his headphone for this. One of my favorite things in the world was watching this white lady kick him to get his attention. Man, you may never know how close you were to getting bitch slapped just then, lady. And deserving it. What are you, a member of the LAPD? Jesus Christ.

It's a real mishmash of a Monday crowd. I'm pretty excited about it. I'm happy to have you guys back here. But, of course, we're all going to be close all week because the Sklar brothers are going to be in Ann Arbor, Michigan this Friday and Saturday. Basically competing directly with us. What? Your show will sell out and we'll get the runoff. That's what I'm talking about.

Get the Kill Tony runoff. They're going to be at the Comedy Showcase in Ann Arbor, Michigan for four shows Friday and Saturday. You guys, of course, have Dumb People Town, all three of you together. Truly one of the most hilarious podcasts anywhere. I've done that a couple times.

You were great on it. Sklar Brothers were just on CNN's History of Comedy, and their new special is on the Starz app. Daniel Van Kirk is on tour starting this week. Yeah, about 12 hours from now. Houston, Austin, Dallas, Lafayette, and Baton Rouge. Daniel Van Kirk for tickets. And I just did an episode of his podcast, Hindsight,

which drops next week. I know. You were beautiful. Heck yeah. Hindsight, which drops next week. I know. You were beautiful. Heck yeah. Hindsight is 2020. That's the full title. That's just more of a fact than anything else. Oh, yeah. It was great seeing you guys

on the roast battle. You guys had to roast each other, which is interesting. It was really fun. We took basically a career of 25 years of doing stand-up together. Where we built each other up. And then we just tore it all down in one three-minute set. So that was great.

Feels good. I loved it. I was really surprised how you guys did it. You were very, very revealing about each other. It definitely was. It was still a pure road. I thought you guys were going to work out some kind of who's on first, who's on second type of thing. But instead you're like, well, guess what?

He has hemorrhoids and I don't. It's like, who's on first? I'm in a good marriage. No. What? What? No. Come on, gang. Jesus Christ. Funny because it's true.

Why waste those fights at Thanksgiving when you can have them on camera? We have a band on this show every week. The band they commit to characters. I don't know how they do it to be honest. I never know what they're going to be or what they're going to do.

People always ask me, do you really not know what they're going to be? I'm like, why would I lie about that? That makes no sense. Can I tell you there are times where I'm watching the show about 40 minutes in and I still don't know what they're going to do. I can't believe you guys got Nirvana last week with Kurt Cobain. That's unbelievable. Too soon?

Okay. Well, last week, Jeremiah had his pubes, armpits, and butthole, and gooch waxed with hot wax at the end of this show. At the very, very end, like the part where basically you could have left if you wanted to. Except Tim.

Should have. Except Tim. It was very frightening. It was more traumatic than I thought it was going to be. I pictured like this hilarious jackass moment, and we had Chris Pontius here, and I'm like, this is going to be perfect. This is jackass 101. And then it was just like

more like, ow. Disturbing. I really feel bad for him. He'll never do physical comedy again. I bet he will because he's the band leader of the Kill Tony band, the best damn band in the land. And here they are. Let's see what they're going to be this week. It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez

and Chroma Chris. A lot of people's new favorite. Whoa. Freshly waxed. Oh, God. Wow. Oh, my God. What is... Oh, my God.

They're porn girls. I'm going to say this. What is happening? What are we at? Santa Monica and Vine? Wow. Oh my god. Andy Dick looks great. Jesus Christ. I have no idea

what the hell is exactly... I feel like I'm at Trejo's Donuts. There's no way I'm the only person that thinks they look gorgeous. Hang on a second. You're at Trejo's Casauts. There's no way I'm the only person that thinks they look gorgeous. That's right. Hang on a second. You're at Trejo's Casa de Putas.

I mean, this is incredible. What's the name of this man? Andy's Dicks? This is awesome. Chroma Chris is... Holy fuck. Chroma Chris is clearly Jeremiah tonight. That's what he looks like on a good day.

And Jeremiah is obviously, I think I have it figured out, he's Donald Trump. Hi, Jeremiah. How are you? You guys porn stars? Is that what it is? Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. My name's Crystal. What's your name?

Wow. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. I'm one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Oh, I'll make you rise. Oh, wow. You're setting back female comedy decades. This is like Roger and Me Rabbit. Oh, Jesus. And then back here we have Joel Berg,

who is clearly, this is what, I guess, Pocus Hauntus. Pocus, fuck. what, I guess, Pocus Hauntus. Pocus, fuck. Oh, my God. Pocus Hauntus. Don't get nervous, Tony. Of course he's not. Pocus Hauntus.

He's the hottest one. Yeah, you want to poke my hauntus. By the way, he's the reason Three Priests got relocated in Pittsburgh. My name is Jaylene Santa Monica. Wow. Wow. But seriously, how much of a better band would 311 have been if they look like this? Just dudes dressed like this.

Hey, I love 311. So do I. But I would have been better if they look like this. And I love twins. Oh. Thank you. Oh, my God. Jeremiah.

Jeremiah. I love everything about his character. I still don't understand why you're brown for the first time ever, though. It's fake tan. It did not come out right. Red band nose. Yeah, covers up the herpes. Is this a staged reading for Soul Man 2?

All the time looking at Jeremiah, all I can think is that underneath those pants is just a seven-day growth. Yeah. Check out his armpits, or her armpits. Let's see. Crystal, all I can think is that underneath those pants is just a seven-day growth. Yeah. Check out his armpits or her armpits. Let's see. Crystal, can I see your pits? Wow. Is that mole?

Wow. Damn. All right. Well, that's not even the end of the show, believe it or not. Ladies and gentlemen, the truth is we haven't even started yet. We're up here with the Sklar brothers, Daniel Van Kirk, and some porn stars. I have a bucket filled with comedians' names. Sometimes it's a comedian, sometimes it's a completely

normal person that's trying comedy for the very first time. I pull their name out and then they get interviewed after they do 60 seconds on stage. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. It means wrap it up then or else you're gonna bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Yes.

You guys ready to start this thing? It's Kill Tony live from the Comedy Store. Here we go. Wow. There's a lot of people on this stage right now. I'm excited about this. And I can take you all on. All right. We're going to get this thing started with a young you all on. Ooh. Alright.

We're going to get this thing started with a young lady who we know is very funny. She's been on the show a few times. Every time she's always done very well. Put your hands together for Alice Rose, everyone. Here we go. Alice Rose is back. She's a killer.

We're starting it off with a little bang. Let's dump right in. People think I'm like a full-blown lesbian, but I'm actually only like 1 16th, so... I mean, like, I get it. When you're a woman, and you're a comedian, and you're black, and you have short hair,

and you're like, I want a boyfriend, people are like, are you sure? I'm a safe person, you can tell me. But you know, I'm dating. I'm swiping. I'm giving the world's okayest blowjobs. They're okay. I'll be sucking your dick and you'll be like, this is fine. I'll be giving you a blowjob and you'll be like, goddamn, if this ain't better than nothing. I'm just kidding. My blowjobs are awesome.

I give them with my vagina. Meow. There you go. Alice Rose calling in her own kitty on that one. There you go. Fun fact, that's a different meow than our customary meow, but that was indeed

the actual meow. God fucking damn it. Every single time that this show starts, I look at the person next to me and I say, not first, not first, not first. Every single fucking week. Yeah, but sometimes you're going to go first on shows. You did a great job. You actually really came in. Yeah, you did.

If you're starting out in comedy, you're hosting the show. You're going up cold. That's the way it goes. Or even, you know, it happens all the time. I mean, even if you're, you know, headlining shows, sometimes you need to get done with one show before doing the next, going from one spot to the next,

and it's worth it to just go up first so that you can get both spots in. Sometimes blowjobs are like opening acts for fucking. That's true. It is. Oh, yeah, tell me more. Oh, it fell right on your lap, didn't it? That obviously is where the set took off when you started doing that.

For real, what's your, and I'm not asking for me, but I'm just asking for anyone in this room, how good are the blowjobs? Are you getting good feedback? Are you getting bad Yelp reviews? What's your Yelp review? Are you getting stars? I think the big twist there was what?

Really, that you don't give blowjobs. You give them with your vagina. No, that was a complete fucking joke. I just like to say that because it fucking gets a laugh. I think my girlfriend back there had something. Oh, Jesus. Okay. I don't know why he has to stand for that.

Yeah. I don't know why we have to stand for that. Yeah. I feel like this is an ad for Whole Foods 365. Wait, so, I mean, are you getting some, like, blah feedback on the BJs, or what's the story?

No, I just feel like most women are insecure about it, so I figured I'd joke about it. That's a good way in, as well. I think that would rope every woman and Jeremiah in on this. It's well. I think that would rope every woman and Jeremiah in on this. It's Crystal. I'm sorry.

I was planning on doing this bit for Kill Tony for a long time, and now I feel like now that I've done it, I'm worried that next time I'm blowing a guy, he'll be like, that was really good. Yeah, he's going to give you so much positive feedback that you know it's fake. You're like, well, fuck. Well, I mean, it was fun.

In the beginning, you talked about how you seem, you think you look like a lesbian. Yeah, that is like genuine. Have you always had that haircut? Have you always gone with that style? No, I used to have super long hair that was like down to here, and it was like straightened out. I'd have to like chemically relax it every single month.

That sounds awesome. Oh, so long. I know you're. She's chemically relaxed right now. Tony. Yes. Jolina. It's Jalene Santa Monica.

I knew she wasn't a lesbian because it looks like she hasn't seen scissors in a while. What? Oh. No. No. You just lost power on that. Literally. After that joke, I'm going to call you Jolene DeLongpre. No. No. We just lost power on that. That literally. After that joke, I'm going to call you Jolene DeLongpre.

Yeah, I mean, I think that first section is a cool setup, but I would have liked to have seen some harder jokes right off of that, like maybe some super lesbian things that you just can't believe that people assume you're a lesbian and then say like five of the most lesbian things that you just do. Or like play into that one-sixteenth joke so you can like play

with those tropes a little bit but how you only are one-sixteenth of those could be like just a quick little How about this? Your mom was a lesbian and she was tag-teamed by 15 other guys. Now you're one 16th lesbian. Folks, I just give these out.

And no one's taking them. Eat a fucking banana. Jesus. I will. Wow. So, Alice, how's life been? You've been in L.A. doing stand-up for how long now? It's almost like two years.

There was like a six-month gap in there where I wasn't going up, but very seriously for like a year. Anything crazy happen in your normal life lately since the last time you've been on the show? I mean, people keep hearing about me on Kill Tony and then booking me for shit, so I've been doing shows. Yeah. Yes.

How about just like normal life stuff not like work stuff like you see like a fat guy fall on a bird scooter or anything like that like i'm talking like normal like hilarious good life right there yeah uh no like i uh talked last time about how like my parents kind of racist and i actually saw them for like the first time in like almost two and a half years uh at like a funeral and the second I got there my mom was like my mom said the family is Mexican but she's like white passing and we get there

hey hey hey slow clap and she immediately starts like making fun of our Mexican relatives and she's like oh they made food but like it's tacos like of course they're eating tacos it's fucking Mexicans I'm like I'm hungry are you one of those people that thinks everything's tacos. Of course they're eating tacos. Fuck Mexicans. I'm like, are we just hungry?

Are you one of those people that thinks everything's racist just because it's a topic that has to do with people? No. Where they do those things? Tacos. They said tacos. That must be racist. Let me give a note out to those of you listening to the live stream or listening to the podcast. The comedian side of

the room just went crazy when I said that part. I think we might have some Facebook followers or something like that out there. They actually did make tacos for the funeral. No, I know. My mom was making fun of the fact that Mexicans would eat tacos.

I mean, at a funeral, you would think Mexicans would make burritos because that's a wrap. Oh, thank you. I got the red neons or you would think Mexicans would make burritos because that's a wrap. That's right. Oh, thank you. I got the red neons on that one. There you go. Bring it up. Hey.

Oh, shit. I'm about to get my tics sucked out. Get out of here. Oh, my God. Now I have chocolate syrup all over my arm. Oh, Jesus. Tony just got Chipotle'd. Oh, shit. That is when Chipotle'd. Oh, shit.

That is when you get laid for having a burrito joke. I'm a burrito hoe. Oh, wow. Okay. I have a little anecdote about Malcolm because of how much he likes to eat candy and shit. I ran into Malcolm at an open mic

and I walked past him. I was like, hey man. And he jumps up in my face. He was like, you just ate candy. And I was like, whoa. He was like, I can smell it on your breath. And I was like, okay. Then he goes, you just had gummy Lifesavers. And then he was like, not the original flavor, the berries flavor.

And he was right. Whoa. And then he's like, you're actually one twelfth lesbian. That's Captain Diabetes for you. He knows everything. Before I let you go, because you did just smoothly change the subject for a second there. We got off on a tangent. I'm going to go back to my question.

Do you find a lot of things racist? Just racism. Oh, that's what a person that finds everything racist would say. Hold on a second. Nothing's racist. Just racism. That's what a person that finds everything racist would say. Hold on a second. Conspiracy theorist. It's funny watching the white audience. They just don't know what to do right now.

They're just watching like, what's going to happen here? They're like, yay. I mean, no. Have you ever thought something was racist and then you realized it wasn't? Yeah. You ever think, like, why is that Gallagher guy smashing these watermelons? And you're like, oh, he's just doing a comedy act. Okay, we lost

everybody there on that one. No red neons on that joke. Yeah, I used to be a nanny for a Korean family, and I, like, the racism in Korea is pretty casual. So I was shocked that they hired me I like phoned in the interview I like wear jeans and shit and I was like they're not gonna hire me

they're gonna see that I'm black and be like whoops swipe left uh and then like their grandfather came into town and I they don't drive so I was driving them around everywhere is that racist uh no that's solid though husband didn't trust the wife to drive okay as Koreans do continue yeah so she like asked me she's like do you like fried chicken and I was like gotcha bitch like you're

racist for sure and then she was like do you like Gus's world famous fried chicken I was like I'm not your chicken directory bitch like but the answer is yes right I'd never been there before it's fucking amazing yeah I was like, I'm not your chicken directory, bitch. But the answer is yes, right? I'd never been there before. Oh, that's good. It's fucking amazing. She was like, let's go to Gus's World Famous

Fried Chicken. And when I got there, she was just like, had like mad recommendations. It was like, you should try this and put that with this and all this. And I was like, holy shit. And after the waiter took our order, I was like, did people from Korea eat fried chicken a lot? They do. And she was like, yeah. It Korea eat fried chicken a lot? They do.

And she was like, yeah, it's like a thing in Korea where so many people retire and then put their savings into a fried chicken stand. All these fried chicken stands go under because there's too many of them. So now it's like a joke in Korea. When you retire, like, all right, now don't open a chicken stand. So you thought that she was just being racist

by asking if you like chicken and specifically the chicken place and recommending chicken. You thought she was just being racist by asking if you like chicken and specifically the chicken place and recommending chicken. You thought she was being racist, but it turns out that they do the same thing that black people do, which is eat a lot of chicken. That's right. And a good amount of white people do that as well. No, I know.

That's exactly my point. This week I've been recommending this chicken place to everybody. Jeremiah, well, the artist formerly known as... Crystal? Jeremiah and I ate there last week. Oh, Jesus. I've been recommending this chicken place to everybody Jeremiah well the artist for Crystal Jeremiah Jesus are Stopping disgusting. I'm so hard as a rock and we can't do that. Okay Alice. It was fun talking to you there She goes Alice Rose another fun set. Yeah Fun talks about a very hot button subject right now

Fun talks about a very hot button subject right now. Hot button issues. Crystal is stroking the microphone like she's losing the use of her hand. You would too if you gave that many handjobs a week. Okay. Wow. Fair enough. I said it. All right. Another young lady coming to the stage. Put your hands together said it. All right.

Another young lady coming to the stage. Put your hands together for Karina Sagan. Karina Sagan. From the back corner. Here we go. From the deepest corner, from the lucky corner of the room. It's a long walk to the top if you want to rock and roll. We know Karina.

One more time for Karina Sagan, everybody. Hey, guys. Growing up, I wanted to have a body like that hot lifeguard from the Sandlot, Wendy Peppercorn. Yeah, she was a dime. My body, at best, squints. Just come to terms with the fact that I'm going to look like this forever. I got off stage after a bad set last week,

and this old man came up to me at the bar. He's like, hey kid, you did good. You're funny. Just don't give up. I was like, well, I wasn't thinking about giving up. But now that you mention it, I should probably just give up. Because my ex ended things with me the same way. He sat me down, said, hey kid, you did good. I don't love you, but don't give up.

You're funny though. I guess I'll take funny. Can I meow myself Talk to you Maybe There it is I mean you could just say that you're done Or you could I think Alice Rose broke the glass ceiling On ladies meowing

Themselves off the stage for some reason Thanks Alice It's a big meow to movement Okay Crystal Stop it Put the fucking meth down For some reason. Big Dallas. It's a big meow to movement. Okay, Crystal. Stop it. Stop it. Put the fucking meth down and stop it. I feel like, stand up, Crystal.

Crystal had a C-section and no baby. Are you about to flash us? Oh, my God. Crystal. Crystal. Crystal, the first person to ever get a C-section, abortion. The old nine-month... I swear there was something in there.

They took out a burrito from Chipotle. For those of you listening to the podcast, it is a fat crease that has accumulated self-tanner. It is the only part of him that folds over himself. That's a category on Pornhub. The spray tan got in my crevices. Alright.

Karina Sagan doing 57 seconds. I like the joke about your ex-boyfriend. I wanted him to say I like you for like four and a half to five minutes or something like that about your comedy. I felt like there's like three more jokes you could

drop in there but you it's a good start right I mean am I wrong your boy you're taught your ex-boyfriend you're not talking about your boyfriend that we met on the show you said that you had a boyfriend we brought him up to see if he was funnier than you you're talking about an ex from a different thing yeah all right well that's good. The Sandlot joke is about 10 seconds too long and about 25 years too late. I mean, you're just barely

I believe the cutoff for Sandlot jokes was announced last week. It's like a Brett Kavanaugh rape. You know what I mean? The Statue of Limitations are almost up. We know it happened but we don't really remember much about it. It's like we believe you, but he's still going to get him for it.

Also, with all due respect, you are not ugly. No, you're a beautiful woman. A little bit overdressed, but. Okay. Okay, Crystal. Okay. Have another banana. I think he's saying you could probably put on like.

I was trying to compete with them. I know. Oh, nobody can. She looks like a librarian at Hogwarts. Thank you. Whoa. You would know because you look like you have Hogwarts. Yeah.

Oh! That's an old... Shut up. Do you want your dick sucked again? He wants you to go in through the Gryffindor. Oh my God. And then you can come in through the Gryffindor. And then you can come in my chamber of secrets. Whoa! God damn.

Just slither right in. Come over here. I got some word of Hufflepuff. We could do this all night. Tony just threw on the cloak of invisibility. Do you know how happy these Harry Potter references are making me right now? Right into those. Those are great. What, are you going to squirt?

All right. Somehow it feels like Crystal can say anything she wants. Crystal, stop trying to make yourself squirt. Stop, Crystal. Oh, my God. So, Karina, remind us how long you've been doing stand up And what do you do for work I've been doing it for about four months now

Wow You're a bartender That's right where at again Chili's Yeah That's Dan's favorite restaurant It's pretty fucking solid Run through some apps Dan I'll order a southwestern egg roll uncut.

He doesn't give a fuck. Yes, you got it. I'll go to the one in Downey. I'll hit the one in Encino all day. Brody Stevens. It's crazy that you work at Chili's because Crystal will never have her aborted baby back, baby back, baby back. No real baby was harmed in that joke. I don't know why it got groans. It's a weird

Chili's abortion joke. Oh, sorry, baby. Are you working at a Chili's? I'm sorry? You working at a Chili's? Yeah, West Covina. You should come out. Oh, no, I will. That's definitely going to happen. Dan will be there. Can I say this about the beginning of your set?

Since you're so new to it, I think you just launched right into your jokes before you sort of address the room for a second. I feel like you need to come in and, you know, even if you have a quick opening joke before you get into a longer joke, just something to sort of gather everyone's attention on you and just take a breath at the top because you don't want people to miss what you're saying. Yeah, for sure. That's not funny, but that's advice. No, thank you. How long have you had braces? They're about a year and a half. How long will you have? You're almost done with them. Yeah, they're off

in February. And how old are you, can I ask? 28. 28. I know. 28 of braces is funny. That is funny. I mean, that is that's ridiculous. And you like Harry Potter? That's so funny. I mean, that is, that's ridiculous. And you like Harry Potter? That's so weird. I can't believe that suddenly, like, you keep yourself 500 yards away from an elementary school.

How's the blowjobs, though, with the braces? Oh, Jesus. That's not a real thing, Brian. They're on the outside of the teeth. They don't really affect blowjobs. Yeah, if you're using your teeth, then it's not. Of course, it was the great Brian Redband the ones famously said 75% of his blowjobs are bad.

Are all teeth? Yeah, from teeth dragging. Yeah, just... If you're getting teeth dragged, you've either asked for it or you need to start communicating better. Yeah. You could start by saying,

ow! Right. I recognize a girl from the whites of her teeth. 75%. Wow. When you're drunk, you don't feel it. And then the next day, you have all this blood in your underwear. Okay.

All right. I'm sorry. Crystal knows about that. We're going to talk about fantasies that never happen. Let's keep doing Harry Potter jokes. If you did porn, your name could be Hermione. All right. Okay.

I was kidding about doing Harry Potter jokes. That was good. That was so good. So what kind of stuff are you into? Like, what are you into? Like, hobbies and stuff that you like? Anal. By the way, Brian just tried to search Harry Potter jokes.

He thought it was spelled Harry, like the amount of hair that you have. He typed in H-A-I-R-Y. Harry Potter. H-A-I-R-Y. Harry Potter. H-A-I-R-Y. What house are you in? He thought it was a potter that was Harry. I knew you were a fucking Hufflepuff. I'm a Hufflepuff.

Yeah, you're a Hufflepuff. You get pushed around. I know. So what are you exploring on stage? What else are you talking about? A lot about my family. A lot about my insecurities. With your family or just in general?

My family in general is hilarious. My sister's engaged. She's 19. We'll be the judge of that. Wait, she's engaged and she's 19? And you're 28 and have braces? That's fucked up. It's true. There's a joke for you right there.

Yeah. I was with my ex for seven years and never saw a ring, and she was with her man for a year and a half in high school. So here's the good news. Your current boyfriend loves this material. Well, no, no, no. Here's the good news. You and her are both going to be getting rid of those within a year, her husband and your braces.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, they'll both be coming off in a short period of time. Why do you think she's getting married so young? Why do you think he put a ring on it at 19? Is he older, younger, same age? Same age. Really? Why do you think they're doing that?

I think they want the easy way out. Let me tell you, as two married people, marriage is the easy way. It's so easy. I'll show you the easy way in. He's in the army. Oh, he's in the army. He's in the army. He's like, please don't fuck anybody while I'm gone.

Please don't fuck anybody while I'm fucking people overseas. This is more of a lockdown situation than a love. He's going to bring Jesus into it. Oh, God. Jesus, please make sure she doesn't fuck anybody while I'm gone. Jesus is my pool boy's name. Alright.

We're going to keep it. Any last words for Karina? It's going to be fun when you're standing on a baseball field and her husband re-approaches her from being off duty. That's going to be a fun moment. That'll be a nice moment. The braces are almost off.

I think you focus more on yourself and dig into the Harry are almost off. No, I think you focus more on yourself and dig into the Harry Potter nerddom. And why you have your insecurities. Did your parents give you those? Oh, yeah. Were they bad people? No, they're really nice people.

But they just... There's a lot. There's a lot there. Let's get into that. Dig into it. I'm damaged goods, too. I don't think so. I don't think so.

I think you're perfect. No, but dig in all that stuff because that's the why you're doing what you're doing. Dig into it. Find the honest stuff. Talk about it. There she goes. Karina Sagan, everybody. Rina Dean.

R-I-N-A-D-E-A-N. And Alice Rose is just Alice Rose. That whole thing. All one word, just Alice Rose. I like her energy, though. I actually think she can build on that. She's like your niece who you have to be nice to because she just started in comedy. She's not wearing the sweater of someone

who has that fucked up of a family. Her and her boyfriend drive every week some creepy hour from West Covina or something like that. One of those weird, you know, like immigrant places. Okay. Inland Empire? Put your hands together for Patrick Bautista,

everybody. Patrick Bautista. Here he comes. I got nothing to lose and no big company to apologize to. I'm saying what I want from now on. If it's an immigrant land, it's one more time for Patrick Bautista. Patrick Bautista. Patrick Bautista.

Hey, I'm Filipino and Irish, which makes my nose this non-existent Michael Jackson nose that you got here. I don't know why he was aiming for this. It's hardly a nose. It's just like two nostrils. Anyways, my brother. I hate when my brother comes over. He's like my older brother.

I don't know what to do. And he steals. So there's a lot of extra chores that I have to do. I have to relocate my weed and cash that I have hidden around my apartment into my car, and then when we go out to eat, I have to relocate that cash, put it in my pocket, and then we go back, I have to find another department that I have to put it in. It's like Easter without the fucking bunny. That's me. Meow. Meow. Who just made that meow noise?

God damn it. You let these people fucking flounder, sir. Don't you dare make a meow noise. How dare you? This is what I think about during that set. A minute is a long time. It's a meow noise. How dare you? This is what I think about during that set. A minute is a long time. It's a long time. What was more embarrassing for the Filipino people?

That or Pacquiao versus Mayweather? You can't claim that you had a shoulder injury up there. You know what I mean? That was interesting, Patrick. You've been on the show before? Yes, once. Oh, yeah? What happened that time?

Was it any better? I think I messed up that Irish. I don't know. I like that his hat says Rams. I wasn't expecting to do that. You weren't expecting to do the set that you did here tonight? The one with the Irish Filipino because I wasn't going to introduce myself. Right, but then you realize

on your way up here that you have a tiny nose and you're like, I'm going to fucking do this shit. I just realized right now. I can barely breathe. I wonder why. It's a small nose. Let's do it. Let's do it. It's a different nose. My nostrils go out this way.

No, you definitely have a very tiny baby nose. That is the size out this way. No, no, no. You definitely have a very tiny baby nose. That is the size of the nose of Crystal's abortion. That's right. It had the same. Again, I don't know why. Crystal didn't really have an abortion. Crystal's not a real person.

Tony, she is and she did, you son of a bitch. We're fucking people. All right. Look, get your abortions now before they're illegal in a year. If Jeremiah paid a three-year-old to come out here in 20 minutes yelling mommy, I will give him $100. Get ready to receive $100, Crystal. Mom?

Patrick, that shirt is, what do you keep in that small pocket? Your nose sometimes? No, it would get lost in there. It's detachable. So, Patrick, how long have you been doing stand-up? It's just been about four months. I used to do it years ago, though, but I stopped. You leaning against that mic stand reminds me of, like,

you must be this tall to get on this ride. That's right. You're super excited about it. That's why he wears the hat. You have a nice grip. See? Jesus. I feel like he's going to push it forward and a trap door is going to come out. He's just going to go down, down,

down. So you're Irish and Filipino. Yeah, well, Irish-American. My mom. I think you need to be chewing more gum. I just don't think there's enough food in your mouth during this set. You should go on stage with a sandwich. What you lack in nostrils you make up for in food in your mouth. He just pulled the piece of gum out of his mouth and for a second I thought he had his nose in his hand.

So when you do that joke you have to do it with your pinky. He's doing it. He's holding his nose in his hand. Got your tiny nose. I got it. Look at your little fucking bit. You're built like a pug. Like a Boston Terrier of comedy.

Patrick, what do you do for a living? I deliver food for a restaurant and help them out and stuff. Okay, so what does your Irish side do? My Irish side? I deliver food for a restaurant and help them out and stuff. Okay. So what does your Irish side do? My Irish side? Wait, are we going to skip over the fact that he tried to make his job sound like volunteer work? I just help them out with whatever they need. I help out with this restaurant.

There's a certain amount of time I have to be there each day. They then give me a check for the amount of time I've been there based on how well I help them. It's a volunteer position. I give food to the needy when they order it on Uber Eats. It's like a one man bar rescue. Alright, so that's what you do. It gives me time so I can do my stand up and stuff like that. Do you do it a lot? You go up every night? Every night. Well, my car broke down so I went and I... Wow. So that ended

your day job and your dreams. All at once. That's what stopped Richard Pryor. You delivering food on birds now? What's happening? Well, I have to lease now. I leased the car so now I have a payment. So now I'm actually always doing that and then I try to do it late at night.

I'll do open mics at night. At least you save money on Breathe Right strips. Yep. That's a great point. Cuts them into little one-eighth strips. I've been fucked harder than this. I don't care. Patrick, what's your sex life like? What's it like being an Irish

Filipino? It's been slow. It's been slow. It's been slow. Can you play Manny Pacquiao singing Sometimes When We Touch? Because I feel like that should be playing all the time while he's talking. What kind of a... No, no, no. Not Philippines.

What kind of a car did you lease? What? What kind of a car did you lease? What kind of Camry do you lease? What? The Camry broke down. What kind of a white Camry? The Camry broke down you lease? The Camry broke down. The Camry broke down.

Wow. He nailed it. Nailed it. Called Camry on the play. That's right. I got a Nissan Sentra. He's getting a blowjob right now. Camry broke down, and I went and made a smaller car for a Corolla.

Corolla. Wow. Yeah. White. White. Black Corolla. Corolla. Wow. White. Thought about compact. White. Black. Black.

Very fun. So now you're leasing a car so that you keep delivering just food, right? Uber Eats? Yeah. Something like that. Do that and then the restaurant I help out. Yeah, let me ask you something. I actually, this is a true question.

I actually ordered Uber Eats today, right? From a place right around the fucking corner from me. Now, I've really only trusted this app for the last, you know, couple few weeks. I've been, you know, getting a little bit more because I go through my Blue Apron so fast now. It's just like Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, it's gone. So there's nothing

left. Thanks to BlueApron.com use the hashtag KillTony to save $20 off your first month's order. But lately I've been doing this Uber Eats thing and this guy today never showed up, never pulled on my street, never called, said that he delivered the food. Yeah, it's a scam that

happened to me also. The guys would just like get the food and just take the food and never get it. Now you ever do that? No. But you have tried like some fries, right? Because now they have this thing where you have to get a certain number of deliveries to get a bonus.

So, I mean, I could see you could do that. If you're not answering your phone... This is unbelievably fascinating. They don't... I know. You need to talk about this on stage. Get into the logistics of how many deliveries you have to make. You do eat fries once in a while.

You do kind of nibble from the bag, right? No, I haven't done that. It probably doesn't bother you so much because you can't smell it because your nose is so tiny. You're just like, I don't even know if there's any food in the car. Not right now. That's the plus. Your nose is so short you've never lied in your life. Your peno nose.

Pen-ay-kio. Yeah, look how short it is. Penoy-kio. Penoy-kio. Well, Patrick. He liked that. What about... I like it.

Do you have any other jokes about being both Irish and Filipino? No, I've been trying. Your mom's Irish? Yeah. How'd her and your dad meet? My grandfather... Forced them to get married. Was in the army.

Was what? He was in the army. Oh, you're... On the Filipino side? No. He was Irish. He was stationed in Manila. He grabbed a lady.

They got in the Camry and they got down. Jesus. Jason guesses one make of a car and now he knows his whole future. I know all of it. Have you ever done the joke I'm Irish and Filipino so that means I drink a lot and my dad is Manny Pacquiao?

Do you ever do the joke about being Irish and Filipino where you go, not only am I Manila, I'm also vanilla. That's right. My Irish side Is in Texas So I don't really Like most Irish people And when I visit them

They're pretty boring in Texas I'm half Irish Half Filipino So I'm racist And I hate gays So you're just Irish Oh come on Well the bad news Patrick

Was that The bad news Patrick Patrick, was that... The bad news, Patrick, is that you showed up tonight. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I was kind of thinking of something, but it sounded kind of racist because... Do it, do it, do it.

This is what you wanted? This is what you replaced with your teeny fucking nose? Come on, let's go. Let's do it. Irish is the black people of white people, and Filipino are the black people of Asians. So I was going to do something like... You know what? We're going to do something special right now, Patrick.

We're going to do something special right now, and we're going to let everyone in the crowd beat the shit out of you. It's the first time we've ever done it in Kill Tony history. There you go. Line up. Line up over here. Just stage dive, Patrick. Just stage dive. There you go. There he goes. Don't hit him in the nose.

Give everybody a chance. There's not enough nose to go around. Don't hit him in the nose. That's his meal ticket. All right, Patrick. We're going to keep moving along. There he goes. Patrick Bautista, everyone. He's on Twitter at anything138.

He just touched me. I have been touched. He's on Twitter at anything138. He just touched me. I have been touched. He touched my shoulder on the way out. There he goes, breaking all the rules tonight. That's right. As a comedian like his other job, he rarely delivers. Okay. Boom.

All right. Let's keep it moving along. Oh, wow. This is a very lady-friendly episode of this show. We know her from... She's been on two times before. I know it for a fact, because it's always been fun and very compelling.

Put your hands together for Robin Blake. Robin Blake. Very, very popular off of her first two Kill Tony performances. Robin Blake, everyone. Come on. Hey, everybody. What's up? Give it up for me. I'm transitioning. I'm transitioning. Hey everybody, what's up? Give it up for me, I'm transitioning. I'm transitioning from T-Mobile to Verizon.

Have you guys ever had someone get offended for you? I was at a restaurant and the waiter was like, you know, would that be all for you, sir? My friend yelled at him, she's like, hey, she's beautiful. I was like, bitch, he never said I was ugly. I'm actually thinking about transitioning because I hope it will help my career. It's a toss-up.

The way I see it is I'm young, so I'll be like a 15-year-old boy. I'll be good. Hell yeah, Robin Blake. There you go. That's what I'm be good. Hell yeah, Robin Blake. There you go. That's what I'm talking about. It's funny because it's one of the first times ever where we had somebody on that is working out

one of the same jokes that I have recently been playing with a little bit. I've been diddling with the idea of transitioning. Into Jay Leno? To try to make it better. But it definitely works better for you because you're Robin Blake and I'm just trying to get famous as fast as possible. That's right. That is a great fucking joke.

Your second joke was great. I also would love, I think it's kind of fun to play with which direction you're going. Like where are you transitioning? Thank you. I think you should play with the audience as to thinking where you're transitioning. Heck yeah. I've had people interrupt my set. Like, which one?

That's fun. I think that's so fun. It's like a game. Your life is like a game. My life is a game. Your little choice is like a game to everybody else. I mean, this tiny little insignificant thing. Which one of these isn't like the one it is?

I mean, the best part is that for either a man or a woman, that fanny pack does not work. I'm just kidding. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Fanny pack, yes or no?

Yes. Well, unfortunately for you, Robin, what you don't know is we always play a game on this show since the inception in which we find out what is in that fanny pack. All right. Let's go. You wear a fanny pack. I ain't on out. Open it up.

I saw the fanny pack and I'm like what dog park did she just come from? Tony, what is that? A roll of quarters? No, that's a tampon. Oh, it's a tampon. That's a tampon, you idiot. And again, we can have fun with that. Could have been the old you. Transitioning, transitioning. This could have been the old you. You just haven't cleaned

out the fanny pack for a while. Wow. Is that part of the new her or the old him? I don't know. I genuinely thought it was a roll of quarters for some reason. You really did? It really...

I thought it was a carrot. It's transitioning into a roll of quarters. It's the same color as the roll of quarters paper. It's a roll of dimes right now. That is the fattest tampon I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. Heavy flow. Okay, so you're just

tells me you're prepared. What else? What else is in there? What else is in there? Is there an Adam's apple in there? What do we got? What do we got? Rose gold. You just went from Yoko Ono to John Lennon that fast. Hell yeah.

You just broke up Yoko's band. Okay. Anything else in there? Anything else fun? Like a dildo that you smoke weed out of or something? I was gonna say I've had my fanny packed Wow

That dirty That's right I'm a dirty bitch Wow Well I got a comb There you go Whoa Hell yeah

Nice Alright Your set was phenomenal How long have you been doing stand up? Two years That's great For two years Come on Really really really good Nice. All right. Your set was phenomenal. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years. That's great. For two years. Come on.

Really, really, really good. And I feel like, you know, in a way, it just was handled so deftly. Like, it wasn't front and center. Like, you could tell you're a funny person not just using the fact that this is happening. You even made fun of yourself for, like, using it to get famous. To me, it's just you handled it that this is happening. You even made fun of yourself for using it to get famous. To me, it's just you handled it really, really well. I mean, I'm looking at everybody out here saying,

this is the way you do it. Yeah. That was great. It's one of the great treats of this show is that it's always refillable because people always say, wow, I love your show. The fact that it's built on making fun of people or this and that,

or people that are completely misinformed. It's one of those things to where we all have fun during whatever interview part, whether it goes good or bad. But the fact that one of the coolest things to me is that we always have great comedians that sign up and come on and wait and hope and be patient for their chance.

Yes. And then everybody wins in the end, and we still get to make jokes about your appearance and everything. You know what I mean? So, Robin, how's life been since the last time you've been on? Anything crazy happen in your real life? I don't know if you recall, but I took steroids for three years. Yes.

And the other shoes dropped. You know what I mean? I'm back to being a real woman again. Yeah. Like, how do you know. Yes. And the other shoes dropped. You know what I mean? I'm back to being a real woman again. How do you know when that... When you buy a tampon, you become a woman. No. I just...

My hormones are really out of whack. So I'm just trying to find my balance. Do sometimes the hormones make you angry, sad? What are some examples of, like, you ever, like, you know, get angry watching a puppy video or anything like that? What's that?

No idea. Just a random, we're debuting an artist right now. You looked at me like drums could make that noise right now. I don't mean to, I'm sorry if I got too personal. No, never. Here we go, here we go. So, like, this is now. I don't mean to, I'm sorry if I got too personal. No, never. Here we go, here we go. So, like, this is the thing they don't tell you. When you get off steroids, it's not like being on, being on was great, but being off, getting off, there's like, there's like a, your body has to regulate again.

Right. As a woman. The chemicals are messed up and the receptor that makes them happen because you had so many coming out of you at that time is now defunct so it cannot create the chemical for you at the time. Listen, I still hope you get in the Hall of Fame. Yeah. I still think all your stats count. That's right.

Even the ones you got when you were on steroids. I do get angry though but not watching puppies. I get angry watching like hack comedians who are just trying to be dicks. They're using like shock. Amen, brother, sister. You know what I mean? You can call me either. I like to say that I'm gender fluid.

Oh, I've got some fluid. And you hit 76 home runs last year on the steroids which has got to be a record. Truthfully, yes. It probably does piss you off because you're doing it so much better. You're handling it on a really good level. And you're not making it the center of everything that you're doing.

I think just keep going. That means a lot coming from you guys. Well, no. I think what's interesting is there is a correlation. Randy and I don't come on stage and talk about being twins the entire time. We show it. It's there. Obviously the relationship is there between us,

but we try and be funny. But it's something to overcome. I mean, you don't want it to be the center of everything because you are a funny person outside of all this other stuff. So thank you. I really appreciate that. Yes. Well,

awesome stuff, Robin. I love that you keep signing up for the show It's so fun and entertaining every week There she goes, Robin Blake Keep going Flying through it Fun so far

You guys having fun out there? You get it? Tony her Her porn name could be Peter Pam Okay It was worth it How many Tony, her porn name could be Peter Pam. Okay. It was worth it. How many of you guys like to see comedians that get pulled out of the bucket do good?

Oh, yeah. We all do. All right, now ask the other side. Wow. This is a goddamn anomaly. All right. You know this young lady from her few appearances on Kill Tony. This is a wild one.

What are the odds of this? Put your hands together for Cassandra Cass, everybody. Wow. Here we go. One more time for Cassandra Cass. One more time for Cassandra Cass. So as a transgender woman, the number one question I get is, do you know Caitlyn Jenner?

Well, yes, I do. And let me tell you, she smells like Old Spice. I just recently got done giving my boyfriend a blowjob for 20 minutes and he said, if this dick was a Ferrari, you would be sucking it a lot harder. I said, baby, that dick is a Honda. So the best thing about having a sex change is you can design your own vagina. So instead of getting a camel toe, I got a camel foot. vagina so instead of getting a camel toe I got a camel foot also I recently got out of a relationship yeah come on give me some love yeah that's what happens

when you find out he's gay for pay um Doesn't my ass look good? Okay. Wow, there you go. Cassandra Cass. This has to be one of the funniest episodes of Project Runway that we've ever had. It really is. They all have a shot.

Well, so I thought you were going to say you got to design your own vagina and you put in a rain shower, so now you're a squirter or something like that. I thought, thank you. That's good. Maybe I should design my own vagina, folks. I mean, huh?

I mean, can I get some? All right. So I, or you could have even gone further. So I was going to design my own vagina. So I had the Property Brothers come and put some work in. And I said, love it or lick it. I just think that if you get to create your own vagina, I don't understand.

I mean, camel foot seems a little like big. I should have said bigger is better. You should have said this. Well, if you're designing your vagina, put a mirror in and it looks bigger. You know what I'm saying? It looks like a whole other vagina in there. You're like, how did I get another vagina? If I were designing a vagina, I would put it in and it looks bigger. You know what I'm saying? It looks like a whole other vagina in there. You're like, how did that get another vagina? If I were designing a vagina,

I would put it in a walk-in closet. I would say that... I'd put it in a bear claws tub. I feel like I should show you my vagina. No, no, no. No, don't. No, stop it. No, don't do that. Where's Crystal?

Are you trying to show me up, you bitch? Crystal got a little hot. Crystal got a little hotter than the labia right there. I just think that if you get to design your own vagina, it shouldn't be something big. It should be something small. Have you ever thought of saying, my vagina looks like an Irish Filipino man's nose?

I've thought about it. It started off like that. It works in the back of restaurants as well. Super tight and it smells okay. It smells just fine. Thank you.

Explain that Old Spice joke. I you. Explain that Old Spice joke. I didn't get the Old Spice joke. Well, I mean, it's kind of like, you know, a lot of people talk about Caitlyn Jenner that she is not really great for the transgender community and she's very masculine. She's too masculine. Well, a lot of people think she has... It's hard to be transgender.

You know, it's hard to start with no money. With most of us, you know, the suicide rates 40% Yeah, most of us are the lowest of employment Because bitch I'm still here and I'm doing it For those of you just listening to the podcast she just swung her dick around the room And then she called the lighting person a bitch the gay club comes out of me

so yeah I mean again this was we got to be up here the last time maybe it was not the last time you were up no I took a picture with you but no you came on stage and you performed and here's what I would say

you clearly have the presence to be on stage and you performed. Yes, when we were on. And here's what I would say. You clearly have the presence to be on stage and you're not nervous and you project out and you have a good stage presence. I would like to see you work super hard on crafting better jokes so that the presentation doesn't like, you're nailing the cadence and you're nailing the jokes in the right spots.

But I think the writing of the jokes, like the camel toe foot thing is like, you can work harder on that. You don't have to work on the stage presence. You have that, but like, like vagina designers, I would watch that show.

I would watch that show. That is like, that's an area. Okay. So now you came up with that line, design my own vagina, which to me is like, fantastic.

You go to home Depot, you go in a certain section, you design your own vagina. Right. Look, I went out front. I picked up five Mexican guys. They came over for nothing. They helped me finish it. They helped me design it.

I mean, it's fantastic. I like Italians. Day laborers. Everyone spackled the walls together. I put in a floating shelf. Like, there's all kinds of things you can talk about what you put in there but go into the design realm now

you're kind of stepping away from this core essence of who you are and you're getting into just funny shit and that like this took you there okay obviously not everyone gets to design their own vagina so that's specific to you but then you're in that area and just make 50 jokes that people wouldn't expect.

And then those jokes are going to get better. Okay. So in that way, not to piggyback on the last person who came up here, but in that way, then you take something that is very specific to you that only you could talk about. And then you make it funny that everybody can see is like, this is how good of a joke writer you are. And I definitely think you can do it. Thank you. But I would push it in that direction can see is like this is how good of a joke writer you are and I definitely think you can do it but I would push it in that direction. I design my own vagina

I put it in an eat in kitchen okay what was my what was that that you just said? I was like I haven't talked about my vagina this much since I had the surgery I love it let's talk more about it then let's talk about my vagina I said if you're designing a pudding

and eat in kitchen at least a breakfast nook how much of an opinion do you have on it like is it like build your own vagina is it like pie Kia or something like that no you do I mean with anything there's an art different doctors I mean to me

I worked many years to create what you have before you, the type of woman I wanted to be. And some doctors, you know, are known for having thicker lips. Some people are known for depth. Some people, I mean, if you can design your own vagina, imagine how pretty it must be. Right. I mean, we understand, Cassandra. If you only

threw yourself together in 20 minutes, you'd look exactly like Jeremiah. That's right. I would say... Uh-oh. Wait, wait, wait. She wishes. I would say 10. There's heat coming off the C-section right now.

I mean, that thing is turned... If that C-section could talk. Did you bring in reference photos? Baby, there's a back room. Whoa! I think she wants you Baby, there's a back room. Whoa. For your vagina. I think she wants you to put it in her back room.

When you were going for what you wanted, do you have to bring in reference photos? You have to call the city for zoning? I mean, well, no. It's a great joke. That's a great joke. I'm sorry. I'm going to give myself two cents.

There's setbacks and stuff. Yeah, I get it. Elon Musk didn't have to get zoning permission when he dug a tunnel in Los Angeles. Well, yeah. I was a big fan of Playboy. So I wanted to look like a Playboy playmate. But I was very blessed, and I got to go to the best surgeon in the United States when I got it done. Can I ask a stupid question?

No, there's no questions stupid. Just stupid people. So you look beautiful tonight. You're totally done up. Is this the way you are whenever you go out in public? Well, I do burlesque shows for a living. It's kind of my persona. But when I work out, no, I'm just in a baseball cap. I'm from Iowa originally, so very country. What's wrong with being in a baseball cap?

How do you like to work out? I do hot yoga. I love Runyon Canyon. You will see me on Runyon Canyon just listening to your set. Tony, I love to listen to you. You're amazing. Everybody knows I perform a lot on Runyon Canyon. For those of you that don't know. Your iTunes.

Some of his Runyon sets are some of the best. If you can get the dog shit smell. Oh, sir, please. The joke's not over. Come back. Tony Hinchcliffe, the Runyon tapes, is really one of the best comedy albums of all time. I mean, it sounds like the types of specials

that they're making. Do you call your vagina Runyon Canyon? Yeah, because there's not a lot of parking. So wait, so Maybe there's too much parking. I don't know you can't park at 10 a.m. On a Wednesday So you got it. You got to check the signs. You don't want a ticket. There's tons of poop bags So wait, but my question is what is it like to go out into the world and just exit sort of interact with regular people? How do people interact with me? Yes interact with regular people how do people interact with me yes how do people treat you and interact with you to me i would love to hear you the truth is

it's crazy because i can literally be treated like a beautiful woman by one person right and then treated like a leopard by another but the one fascinating it's it's very difficult and that's why a lot of that out of the difficult comes the comedy. That's period. That's like end all the one-liners and start talking about what is real to you. Exactly. We want to hear that. We don't get to live that.

We don't get to get cat called by this dude and put down... And then someone say that's a dude. Right. Yeah, I know. So, I mean, to me, it just depends on my day. I'm a human being. Some days I'm like, fuck it, I know who I am.

But other days I might go home and cry. I mean, it's the truth. Yeah, yeah. depends on my day. I'm a human being. Some days I'm like, fuck it, I know who I am. But other days I might go home and cry. That's universal. Yeah. We all get that. It's not an easy journey, but it's a truthful journey. It's something I had to do. So bring that truthful journey and put it into your fucking stand-up and do that. There you go.

Cassandra Cass, everybody. She's on Twitter, CassandraCass, everybody. She's on Twitter, CassandraCass21. Well. Oh, hey, look, everybody. It's Doug Benson. P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P Did you punch them all in the... Just real quick, management, hey, good to see you. Hey, buddy. Doug, are you transitioning?

I'm transitioning. I'm going to be a real comic someday. From stone to silver. Make some noise for Doug Benson, everybody. Just super brief message. Hey. Super brief message that management asked me to just come up and say, there's a DeLorean double parked outside.

That's the punchline? It's delayed. I don't know. Why is there a DeLorean double parked? Oh, because it's going to take Randy Sklar's mustache back to the 70s Thank you Hey Boom

That's it He came up And there he goes Doug Benson Let me just say Doug I designed my own mustache And it does look like a camel foot Oh yeah Getting by with Doug It looks like her vagina I designed my own mustache. And it does look like a camel foot.

Oh, yeah. Getting by with Doug. It looks like her vagina. It's, hey, he's a cop. Let him alone. One more time for Doug Benson, everybody. Doug Benson. Popping in. DeLorean Double Parts.

Is the flux capacitor fluxing? All right. This looks like a new name. Let's make some noise for Chris Heist. Chris Heist. Chris Heist. Chris, here he comes. All right. I've seen this guy around here a few times. This is definitely his first time on the show. Make some noise for Chris He yeah, America. Fuck yeah. We still have a mass shooting in this country every week or two. It's fucking, look I don't care, I don't care if you're a Republican or a Democrat. It doesn't matter if you're the most agro-libertarian or the biggest pussy-sucking liberal.

I think we can all agree that I should not be allowed to get a gun. I think I've made that very clear over the years. I don't know how many times I've threatened this fucking government and many major corporations. All right.

Relax, it's just a joke. It's not a joke. Thanks, everybody. I'm Chris Heist. One joke. There you go. 55 seconds. Chris Heist. All right, so let me give a little backstory to this

because this is your first time on the show. However, I have noticeably seen you hanging around the comedy store for what? About five, six weeks? Yeah, six weeks. Six weeks, exactly. I took note because I thought at some point you might be the guy that kills me.

Yes. You're not the first to know that. You're not the first to know that. You're not the first to know that. We were making eye contact a few times and I noticed you once in the audience and then the next night I think I was at the ice house and I saw you. I'm like, holy shit, it's that fucking guy. Outside of my bedroom window I saw you. A lot of people don't know this about me. I am

a huge medical marijuana advocate and sometimes I am freaked out naturally. And I just pretend like I'm not. And a couple of those times I was really stoned. And I'm like, this guy either is going to kill me or has... I just knew that you'd have an interesting take on comedy if you were going to do it. Have you always done it? Is it a new thing for you?

No, no. I've been doing it for about five years. Five years, where at? Florida. And you just came here? Yeah, yeah, six weeks ago. Six weeks ago. You are the definition of a Florida man.

I understand that, yes. Yeah, you're the funniest devil's reject we've ever seen. Yeah. Grazie. Imagine if Charles Manson was this funny. Rob Zombie presents. He would have gotten paroled at least once. So few people would have died.

Tony, is it time to play a round of what's in those cargo pants? Holy shit. I don't think I really want to know. You look honestly funny. It's a Pebble Nokia phone. He designed his own pocket vagina. You look really relaxed for a guy who was just attacked by a cougar.

For those of you just listening, I mean, you know, Joel nailed it pretty hard with the Devil's Rejects reference. You are, I mean, what would we consider? You're a fan of, like, what? Zombies? Haunted houses? Yeah, yeah.

You know, punk, hardcore metal, all that shit. Heavy metal type of undead nephews. I've played in a few bands through the years. Oh, okay. You play bass? No, no, all that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Undead, nephews. I've played in a few bands. Oh, okay. You play bass? No, no. I yell shit. You yell shit?

Can you give us an example of some of your amazing musical work? Sure. Fuck! Oh, that was good. That was good. So, kind of more of an audience member. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's in, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, here, so I just passed the CBEST, so I'm going to substitute teach. Oh, yeah. What? That makes me feel so good for my children.

Yeah, and it's going to be the weirdest school shooting ever. Exactly. That's one where you give the kids a pass. There's holes in your shirt and your story. Do they make you wear shoes when you teach school? They usually do, yeah. But they don't let you have shoelaces. My previous job in Florida, I wore this all the time.

You go a lot without wearing shoes. He is shoeless underneath some heavily baggy bell-bottom-like pants. Every time I've seen you, you've always had ripped clothes. Is there a reason for that? I'm a minimalist, and I wear this all the time. Are you a traveler?

Are you a time traveler? Do you tend to keep yourself pretty clean? I'm just going to ask you, what is 2080 like? A lot better than this shit. How many families are you currently haunting? What hides underneath your bed? Just a nice accountant.

Hell yeah, man. I want to go as you for Halloween. Chris Heist. Your DJ name would be DJ Crawl Space. Tony, Jesus is holier than I thought. All right. So, Chris, let's get a little backstory on you. You've been doing stand-up five years in Florida.

You were substitute teaching there? I was working as a college math tutor there. A college math tutor. Four years before that, substitute teaching. Where did you go to school at? UF. You grew up in Florida? Yeah, yeah.

Were you near the swamps and stuff? Gainesville? Yeah, that's where I went to college, but I grew up in South Florida. South Florida. And so the schools hire you, I'm assuming, as some sort of outreach, scared straight program? Gainesville? Yeah, that's where I went to college, but I grew up in South Florida. South Florida. And so the schools hire you, I'm assuming, as some sort of outreach, scared straight program. Do your homework, kids, or else.

Gainesville's a very chill place. Oh, yeah, for sure. A lot of stoners. Can I just tell you that if you just walked on stage, because obviously you did a great joke about your appearance. If you just walked on stage and tried to, in an observational way, be like, so guys, dating's hard, right? If you just came on and

opened with that, this guy knows what I'm talking about. Just try and get everyone to feel your... Do observational humor. I have some of that. Okay, so I would have liked to have seen that. That turn, I don't think I should be able to get a gun. That's a great joke.

It's a great joke. He only did one joke. Yeah, that's actually, I just released an album EP, and that's the first joke on it. What, is it Dating's Hard? Or no, the gun joke. The gun joke. I like the gun joke.

That's great. I put the site on there. It's free to download for anybody who likes this sort of shit. Yeah, you could say, do you ever get your dick sucked in a cardboard box? No. Oh, that's not. Did you ever do that?

He did say that he is a minimalist. What is your living situation, Chris? Just a small one bedroom in Van Nuys. Oh, a coffin. Yeah. Keys, keys, keys. Keys, huh? Van Nuys.

And you have a car? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I nice. And you have a car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I notice that you're in the scene. I mean, I know that you started six weeks ago because I started seeing you around every time I've been around anywhere for six weeks. Hell yeah. So you're really throwing yourself into it.

Yeah. You're doing a lot of spots? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just going around all the mics around here. Like, how do you shop at Trader Joe's? Like, how do you... With scissors. Yeah, exactly. Like, how do you do you shop at Trader Joe's? With scissors. How do you do day-to-day normal shit? I mean, people stare.

Yeah. And how do you handle it? I'm fucking used to it by now. This is like 20-something years or whatever. I've done a lot of acid. I don't believe it. You know what? I'm going to live here and say a lot of acid has done you.

Yeah. I feel like you should walk out on stage and be like, this is the best Burning Man I've ever believe it. You know what? I'm going to live here and say a lot of acid has done you. Yeah. Hell yeah. I feel like you should walk out on stage and be like, this is the best Burning Man I've ever been to. That's right. I went to Burning Man and I fucking loved it. Transformative experience. How do you clean your beard after you eat pussy? Oh, my God.

You look like Credence Stillwater. I actually met her. I actually met her the other day out back of a 7-Eleven. Hey, yeah, you did. That's true. We were at a mic. Why would it be Stillwater? I don't really get it. Because mosquitoes form in it. It still doesn't make sense, really.

Look at him. It ain't Clearwater. So, have you had any substitute teaching gigs yet? No, I just got the, whatever, the passing grade back from the... So like college math tutoring must have been weird. Did people feel when they first saw you after meeting you online and meeting up with you that they like got tutor catfished or something like that?

This is at a computer lab. This is at a computer lab at the college itself. Would you teach them lessons like if I ask for a dollar and someone gives me 25 cents? Oh, you... You would show up as my... I loved it. All calculus and differential equations. You would show up as my math tutor.

I would literally be like, this does not add up. Yeah, exactly. No, because it's not like... It's a whole computer lab with the college students would constantly come in. There'd be 50 students there at a time

and I was one of like three or four tutors that were on staff all day. It's awesome. So would kids just come in and put blankets on you? No, no, no. No, everybody was pretty chill. Does your resume say we'll teach for food?

All right. He's not homeless, guys. He's a minimalist. Stop trying to shoehorn homeless jokes in on this poor guy. He's a fucking college professor. Does your dick taste like Campbell's soup? Okay. So, Chris.

Yep. I mean, sort of other than that, what's the craziest thing about you? Because it seems like this is all a misdirect. Appearance is not, you can't judge a book by its cover, right? So, what is something wild about you? It would probably just be the music

and the stand-up. The content of the material is not for everybody. What does a guy like you tend to do during the day? What's a part of your habit? You work out or anything like that? You just tear shirts apart? I don't know. This is all entropy. This is just me being lazy and not giving a fuck.

You didn't design this. No. This happened. Time is an artist. But you keep it clean. You seem like the kind of guy that does it, but you have common sense about it. Yeah, so a mathematical puzzle called the Towers of Hanoi. Like, yeah, there's a way to do it. Everybody in this room is going to hopefully brush their teeth tonight,

spit it out of the sink, look in the mirror before they go to bed and go, Time is an artist. That's right. Or look in the mirror before they brush their teeth, they look in the mirror, there's no one behind them. They spit it out,

they look back up, and he's there. Fucking great shot. What did you get here? Chris, I'm excited that you signed up for the show. I'm hoping that maybe we can get you up here again

and find out more about you. Hell yeah, man. Yeah, yeah. And again, if anybody wants to download the album, it's chrisheiss.com. chrisheiss.com. There, man. Yeah, yeah. And if, yeah, again, if anybody wants to download the album, chrisheist.com. chrisheist.com. There he goes.

C-H-R-I-S-H-E-I-S-T trying to steal the show. There he goes. Chris Heist. Chris, how old are you? 26. 42 years old. 42.

Tell Ebenezer Scrooge what's up. Five years younger than me and Randy. Five years younger than me and Randy. Five years younger than me and Randy. Crystal. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the main stage, Crystal. Wow. Look at Crystal's droopy ass.

All right. We have a regular on this show. He writes and performs a brand new 60 Seconds every week. He's a goddamn sensation. He's working continuously. He's about to get on a flight with us Wednesday night as we head to Grand Rapids, Lansing, and Detroit. He's doing a bunch of stand-up shows

and Kill Tony's with us. Make some noise for the regular Malcolm Hatchet, ladies and gentlemen, with a brand new minute. What's up? Yeah. I don't eat the butt when I'm sick because I can't smell nothing

my friend slept in the car me a few weeks ago and I let her sleep in the backseat you know cuz it's like I was been a gentleman it's longer back there right and I was in the front seat Oreo cookies cookies, and she was like, oh, let me get a cookie. I was like, uh-uh, you can't be eating in bed. I just wiped the seats, baby. When you sleep in the car, you have to use your brain, you know, because you don't have everything that people have at homes. Like, people at homes have pillows. I don't have a pillow, so every night I fold up about five or ten T-shirts

and lay down on them. And sometimes I put a sock in there just if I wanted to get fluffy. When I sleep in the car, I always wake up with a crook in my neck, like to the left and shit. I woke up the other day and went to my homeboy house. He talking about to the left, to the left, everything you want in the trunk, to the left.

Nigga, fuck you. Did you say you don't eat butt when you're sick? No, I only eat it when I'm sick. I heard don't for some reason. I messed that one up for him. That's probably the sativa kicking in. And you were into us. That was funny, man.

I loved it. I love, again, how real. For the people who... He could have gone for some cheap stuff, but I actually believe that your friend slept in your car. That's true. I'll leave you Oreos with the milk. That's true, though. But so, like, I felt the truth in that.

And it's amazing to me that Chris Heiss has an apartment and you sleep in a car. That is amazing to me. Like, you will get successful. You will have a house someday, and I think you're going to sleep in your garage. Just because. That's what it is. But all that stuff, I look out at you, I look all around at the other people

who are reaching for jokes for the sake of jokes and not speaking about what's real within what's happening in their lives. Like, he hit on real stuff. Even if it didn't hit huge, I still think there was like, there's the kernels of great. Right. Yeah. I think the,

what you stuff in the, that was almost written that stuff, what you stuff in the, in the shirts as your pillow. Oh God. So Malcolm is sometimes, I mean, you know,

it's one of those things where he's like one of those people that's sort of always funny. Like he's funny of those things where he's one of those people that's sort of always funny. He's funny in his bones. Before tonight's show, I got his email for the first time so that I could send him the itinerary of the layout of our shows that I just got today for this weekend. And he goes, oh, shit, man, we're staying at hotels? I thought we were sleeping in the car and shit. That's just a true story. He's so used to sleeping in a car, he thought we all just slept in cars for a second.

Didn't get the laugh I thought it was going to get. I guess you guys thought we slept in cars too, obviously. Did you cancel that hotel right away? Save some money? No, you're in a car, buddy. All right, we have another banana for you podcast listeners. I don't know why the band does physical things still, but Jeremiah has a banana, everybody, so let's pay attention to that.

Here we go. He's eating a banana. What is going to happen? He's deep throat. It appears. Oh, my God. Okay. If anybody knows the Heimlich maneuver, prepare yourself.

Jeremiah, he was backstage practicing deep-throating oh you can't what how long how long is this segment gonna last Wait a second. Pour it out. Oh, oh. We lost the beautiful girl. Oh, God. What is happening? Joel just fell off of his stool. Wow. Joel literally fell off of his stool during that. What are you? Oh, God. All right, guys.

I guess you saved the physical gags for... Oh, guys? Really? Oh, okay. All right. for oh guys really oh okay all right so Malcolm anything crazy in your real life happening happened lately anything else that we need to cover I was at the 7-eleven yesterday this dude he started talking to me and I got a job at a pizza place what Wow because I was in there I was buying snacks. It was a comic stop by.

We started talking about comedy. You do comedy? I had on a weird outfit. I looked goofy. I walked to the car. He wanted me to promote his pizza. I was like, hey, you got a job? I give you a job. He got me the job today. I start next Saturday. You can't not get hired.

I think it's called Petrino's Pizza. Wow. What are you going to be doing? I'm going to be taking orders and shit. Dude, you can't not get hired. I think it's called Patrino's Pizza. Wow. It's in North Hollywood. So what are you going to be doing? Bro, I'm going to be taking orders and shit. Yes. But he said he's going to give me the chain. Oh, that's a big sausage.

Oh, God. Stop. Wait, didn't you have a new job last week? Nah, I stopped like two weeks ago. Oh, I never went. You didn't go to that new one? No. Wow.

This is a segment now. Job of the week. That shit be hitting my face. Job of the week. What job is he not going to go to this week? I'm going to go to the pizza job, bro, because I fold pizzas. I have a full-time blow job. Wow.

Wow. There you go. Right when you thought he possibly couldn't handle any more low-hanging fruit. That banana just got a lawyer. Oh, shit. All right, Malcolm. I'm so pumped about this weekend of shows that we're doing. You can lock it in.

That's another brand-new minute from Malcolm Hatchett about his real life from his perspective of living in a car. Amazing. Real. Fucking real. I should have asked him about smelling the exact candy off of Alice Rose's breath. I forgot about that. Damn it. You guys having fun out there?

I didn't get to finish my question earlier. How many of you like to see comedians do good on this stage? How many of you like to see comedians do good on this stage? Do well. Good. How many of you like to see people fail miserably? That's fun, too. It's fun, too.

Pretty supportive crowd tonight. How many of you like to see 16-9? How many of you like to see burped up? Keep going, keep going. I like to see burped up cum. Oh, Crystal. Come on, give us another one. Keep going. Keep going.

Crystal, more. No, don't. No, stop what you're doing. What is wrong with you guys? What is wrong with you guys? What is wrong? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is the best.

Oh, my God. Hold on. Do it one more time so that I can at least remember this. Oh, Jesus. By the way, that was... We call that the Canadian money shot because it's worth a lot less. Crystal, that's a great watch. Hilarious.

Yeah, eat your watch. That's what you're going to see right before you die, all of you. You think that's the part that you think we'll get flagged for that? I don't know. Tony, my dad just... Since when can a man not spit a banana on another man? That's right. before you die, all of you. You think we'll get flied for that? I don't know. Since when can a man not spit a banana on another man? If you two pulls that, they're in big trouble, dude. We're taking this to Judge Kavanaugh

in the Supreme Court. If they pull that, you fucking write them back and say, time is an artist. Tony, my dad just called. He's proud of me. This place is literally bananas. Are we just going to keep that chewed up bukkake banana

all over the place? No, no, no. Somehow that's the most disgusting part of the whole thing. Okay. His slow, atrophied claw hand just moving it across the stage.

It's like one of the It's so tan. It's like one of the trees in the Lorax. It too soon will be dead. By the way, Joel, your moves, you seem like you've done that before. You're crawling like that before. Yeah, I'm a

freaking porn star, idiot. I do it for a living. It looks like you paid for it before Red Band. Jesus. Jeremiah just spit out, chewed up banana all over Joel, and we're moving on now. There you go. Follow that.

Good luck, new person. This is definitely their first time on the show. Put your hands together for five a gram. Five a gram. Or Niles Slute. Y'all expected this shit. Recently, my cousin just had a baby, so he asked me to teach him how to swim.

And I just figured he could swim because the whole time growing up, he was hood, so he couldn't really express his emotions like that. So whenever somebody would say, hey, let's go to the pool, he'd be like, nigga, I don't fuck with water like that. He's like, oh, all right. Apparently there's a tape with Trump saying the N-word. Cool. I think the problem is I think we should stop black people with British accents from saying the N-word, cool. I think the problem is... I think we should stop black people with British accents from saying the N-word. Think about it.

If I close my eyes and you sound like Harry Potter, you shouldn't be saying that shit. I think we can all agree, hello, my nigga, doesn't sound right regardless of skin color. Like, fuck them classy-ass niggas, man. They never had to try to sound white on the phone for an interview. Like, it's bullshit. I'm from Mississippi,

that's why I say ignorant shit. And I was on the phone with a homie, and he told me that God sent the hurricane, Florence, to kill all the gay people. And, oh, shit. You can go ahead, finish it. Finish it. And I was like, nah, bro, like, I've lived in West Hollywood for the last two years. This rain made me twice.

I like that. Yes. Glad you finished. Nice and done. Watch out, watch out, watch out. There's banana cum. Watch out for banana cum. Had a feeling that was gonna happen. Unlike Jeremiah, we're glad you

finished. So, let's start it off This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, never been on How long have you been doing stand-up? Two years in August Two years, and has your stage name always been 5 a gram? Or is that just a special deal you're doing tonight?

No, it's just a special deal at the moment Because I'm in between jobs And I figured I'd get on the show if I wrote this I mean, you do randomly pick it up. He did randomly just pull it out. Like, if your name was Dave Wilson, you also would have been on this show tonight. Leave it in. Dave Wilson would make me money after this show.

You never know. Well, you never know because you were funny. I don't know about that. I don't know about that. It's not about the name, man. It's about the jokes. You know that everybody's pulled out of a bucket on this show, right? If there was any design to it whatsoever, I wouldn't have.

Her vagina is designed more than this. Yes. Designing vaginas. I'm telling you, you've got to write that show. Two architects. Designing vaginas could be a great show about just five southern women. It's like the next chapter of Designing Women. A lot of open concepts.

So five-a-gram, let's jump right into it. How long have you lived in L.A.? women. It's like the next chapter of designing women. A lot of open concepts. So, let's jump right into it. How long you lived in L.A.? I've been here since January 2016. January 2016, right after Trump. So, two years. I like the joke about British people using

the N-word. I don't like that shit, man. Well, I know you don't like it, but I like that joke. I mean, I feel like... Well, appreciate no but the best hit him the best get at it uh the best line in that I think which I loved which is that they never have to use a white voice and a job interview on the phone that is a real true awesome great observation that people laughed at, but it's like if you can get people to laugh at the truth in a very real moment, then you win, I think, on stage. And the last joke was great, too.

I mean, those two go that area. First joke I didn't love as much, but those last two, that's where I think you should be at. How's LA been treating you? It's rough, but it's cool. What do you do for work? I did Postmates for the most part, and then I worked at an after-school program for school for a little while,

and now I'm just looking for a new job. What would you do for the after-school program? Basically, we would play games with kids, and I would do sports stuff, and then there was this lightsaber. Oh, what kind of sports stuff? Oh, God, please. Come on, man. Yeah, yeah. So we play games with them. I know there's some people that would do

like the bilingual stuff so they would teach like second language. Hold up the show real quick. This bitch in the front row just said not funny. What? Yeah, right here. Yeah. I can't believe you don't know at this point Crystal has no filter.

It's just going to be that. Do you ever let a girl say the N-word if you're having sex with her? No, I haven't. All right, just curious. Great question. Okay. You guys do sound like a bunch of cats. Big pardon.g pardon.

So, 5 a gram, you really are selling pot in the meanwhile? You know, maybe. Not on YouTube? All right, fine. Not on camera. 5 a gram is pretty cheap. Not at the after school program either, right? No, that would be fucked, bro. No, yeah, you don't want to mix those two jobs up.

They don't have money. They don't have money. Some of them do. Are you dating anyone right now? I'm not. And do you want to be or no? Yeah. No, like I'm chilling right now.

It's been cool. I've just been hitting stages and everything. You hook up with anyone since being in LA? Yeah. Like how does that happen? Do you go off dating apps and things like that? I used to, but a couple months ago I deleted the dating apps

because it's just not fun. Why is it not fun? I don't know. It's like we swiped on each other because we potentially want to fuck. We didn't really meet and get to know each other. But isn't that why you swipe? Is so that you can meet and get to know each other?

No. So what's your new strategy? just meet people I go out bars clubs I meet people how's that working out for you like the last chick you hung out with what was the conversation that started the evening you know like what really got it cooking oh the last girl hung out with the Dodgers game was on I'm a big Dodgers fan. Where was it on at? Where were you at? Bar, the dark room on Melrose. And you were watching a baseball game, and she was by herself?

Yeah. And you were by yourself? Yeah. And were you already sitting at the bar? You were sitting down, or you sat next to her because you saw she was alone? No, she was sitting on the end, and I walked in. You said, I got two balls and no strikes. Oh, yeah.

Put your donut on my back. Yeah, I just walked up, asked her if she liked the Dodgers. She was like, yeah, and I bought her a beer, and we just started talking about life. Old school, man. 1990s. So you bought some Tommy Lasorda shit. Yep, bought her a beer.

You're talking Dodgers, and then what happens? We just talked for a while. I got her number, and then I went home. Yeah. Softest bad hit ever. Walking Dodgers, and then what happens? We just talked for a while. I got her number, and then I went home. Soft as a bat hit ever. That shit is hot. That was a foul out. So it's pending, you know? It's pending.

It is. All right, how about the last time you got laid? How did that start? Yeah, details, please. I don't know if I want to tell that up here. No, you do. Yeah, you do. Why wouldn't you want to tell that? I don't know. It's personal. You're a shy guy, you do. Yeah, you do. Why wouldn't you want to tell that?

Tell it. I don't know. It's personal. You're a shy guy, aren't you? I'm a really shy dude, yeah. So, I mean, you got to cut to the truth of what's going on in your life when you're up here on the stage. That's the best part. Do you want to whisper it into my ear and then I'll tell it in the mic?

But still on the microphone? Take a chance, the rapper. Oh, my God. The audience loved it, and I do it for the people. No, they didn my god. The audience loved it. And I do it for the people. No, they didn't. They felt sorry for it. Putting your foot behind your head is not going to get you out of this one.

They actually did have a problem. I keep forgetting what her name is. What is it again? It's Jolene Santa Monica, you bitch. I'm looking for a pony tonight. You said you're from Mississippi? Yeah, I'm looking for a pony tonight You said you're from Mississippi? Yeah, I'm from Mississippi Do you run into that a lot of people from back home saying stupid shit? All the time, dude

Black, white, doesn't matter, everybody's ignorant What's the most ignorant thing you've ever heard someone from Mississippi say? Besides that joke I don't know People be like football is god What's the most racist thing Anybody's ever said to you directly In Mississippi or anywhere

I'd be surprised if it happened in WeHo But go ahead I remember as a kid This light adult at the school Called me a monkey Alright Nobody knows what that is. There you go.

All right. There you go. It's the SpongeBob song. That is fucking crazy. How old were you? I was like eight or nine. We had a football game, and we won, and a white parent called me a monkey.

What the fuck? This is why almost every 30 for 30 takes place in Mississippi. It's the beginning of it. It's like, oh yeah, we fucked up here in this civil rights issue. It happens. Technically, slavery was

lifted in 2012 in Mississippi. Really? Yeah, if you look at law-wise. Technically, I was a slave until 17. Awesome. Crystal was a sex slave. Crystal's still a sex slave down the street. Congratulations.

With good jokes, and you can obviously write a good joke, this base of a premise and a setup is rich as shit. Yeah. I'm going to work on it. Well, you seem like a great guy. I wish you would tell us about the night that you actually got laid. I have a feeling that the reason

why you don't want to tell us is because there's some embarrassing moments, perhaps, or some compelling moments in the evening. My theory, of course, is that you'd be shocked at how funny it would be if you did this story. I have jokes about it. Yeah, but I like the shit that people

don't want to talk about, my friend. That's where you find diamonds. You can always have gold and some created bits that are exaggerated and this and that, but sometimes, you know, it's the moments where... I mean, I remember after we left Louisville, Kentucky last summer, Jeremiah and I, we were on the road together. And forget it. It's too long of a story.

Five a gram, everybody. There goes five a gram. What do you guys think? Should we? You guys think we should get one more up here real quick, huh? Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's fly through it, shall we? This looks like a new one. Let's do it. Stephen Marcus Relaford. Stephen Marcus Relaford. Here he comes.

So yeah, I'm just a black of black people. Man, it's great out here. Hollywood is awesome. It's amazing. I love being out here in Hollywood. You guys know, you guys see a lot of celebrities and stuff like that. I got an agent, and my agent calls me. He's like, yo, Marcus, I know you turned down the role for Black Panther.

I was like, of course. There's no white people who died in that movie. I didn't get to wear a beret. There's no AK-47. He said, we got something else for you. It's more to your life. It's the most popular TV show that comes on every network. Syndicated, you guys heard of this show called Unarmed Black Man?

It comes on the news. It's sporadic on the spot casting. You never know when you're going to get an episode of Unarmed Black Man. It's an anthology series. They don't really follow each other and there's no more episodes for the lead. There you go. Stephen Marcus Relaford

everybody. First of all I'd like to compliment how fast you changed your shirt. And now I want to ask now will you tell us about the last time you got laid? Come on. That is terrible. Come on. You lost the glasses

the hat went from. Alright. Last terrible. Come on. You lost the glasses, the hat, went from... All right. Last night. Last night. Oh, watch out behind you. Please don't step in that. Okay. Can I have a pitch?

I like that concept of the... I think you took too long to get to the joke. I think you could have skipped the whole Black Panther thing because that obviously was fake. But you could just be like, I love watching TV. My favorite new show is... And then you name that joke joke and now you're into that joke in like it's new So it's the longest running show long show

You can make a joke that your friend was watching it in his apartment when he got shot He was watching that show on TV when a woman came in and thought it was her apartment and shot him. How long have you been doing stand-up, Steven? About seven years. Seven years? All here in Los Angeles? No, I got to do stand-up in South Carolina, North Carolina, and New York for a little bit. How long have you been in L.A.?

I'm born and raised in L.A. Dude, I like your presence on stage. I really like – you took your time in a great way and you weren't like rushing through it. And I definitely think, I mean, I think you are even, this is sort of a weird word to say, but you are castable off of like what you do. You can tell that like you can act. I think the Slaurs just found their third brother.

There you go. That's right. Always. Steven, what do you do for a living? I ask for money. Really? Okay. I'm broke. I'm between jobs. Where do you ask for money at?

Here. Here at the comedy store. Anybody got two bucks? Nope. Stick with me here. Stick with me. I buy five a gram. Like how?

How do you make most of your money? Uber, Postmates. Okay. Yeah. What's your living situation? you make most of your money? Uber, Postmates. What's your living situation? By yourself? In your car? I have a little roach motel out in MacArthur Park. What's it like living close to downtown?

It's cool. There's no parking. It's hard to get women over. You said you're born and raised in LA. What part were you born and raised in? Off of Adams and Crenshaw. You still talk with your parents? My mother passed away and my dad is in the IE. I still talk to my dad. What's that? Inland Empire.

Oh, okay. Lake Elsinore. Oh, okay. What prison is he in? Marriage. What does he do for work? Well done, sir! There it is. Boom. so he's got 50 to life what does your dad do for a living i get visitation rights uh he does government

contracts for like wholesale products very cool does he ever has he ever seen you do stand up yeah does he like it yeah he's supportive yes definitely um that's supportive? Yes, definitely. That's cool. Yeah, you're definitely funny, obviously. Yeah, I mean, I would just, like, be economical with the setups and just get to it. Because that was a funny concept. Thank you. More of it. Like, you know, just more of the jokes. Because it's a great, you had a good premise and just keep rolling with it.

Appreciate it. And I'm sorry, no one else will care but me. A white person does die in Black Panther. So just... That's going to drive me nuts. If I never got to tell you that, I would feel so remiss. It's going to drive Dan nuts. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just so you know. He deserved it, though.

Why do you... Let me ask you this. Why do you do stand-up? Why do you like doing stand-up? Why do you do it? I feel like stand-up... I feel like art it? I feel like stand-up, I feel like art, in a sense, everyone who does art from their heart is like a radical.

I feel like the only difference between me and Malcolm X is that he didn't have a punchline. That's right. I feel like I do comedy because I've been told no about so many different things. So I'm like, I'm going to write a joke about that. Great. That's your fucking weapon. I've never heard a black

guy say radical in my life. Do you want to be in a porno with me called Malcolm Triple X? Oh, come on. I mean, I think Malcolm X was more of a comedian than a lot of people think. You know, I mean, he did die on stage.

Wow. Whatever people. people think. He did die on stage. Wow. Whatever, people. Yeah, I'll say it again. Didn't he kill at the Apollo as well? Dude, that is fascinating and interesting, and that should inform where you go with your material

and how you do the stuff you do. I think that fits with the bit that you did. I mean, I really do. So as you're trying to figure out what your voice is, you've been doing it for a long time, but as you try and figure out what your voice is, say, why am I doing this? And does this fit with what I want to project out on stage?

Right, thank you. Yeah, we think about this all the time. Like, as comedians, especially people on this great show, you are lucky to get this spot on this show, and you're always lucky to get this spot on this show and you're always lucky to get a spot on whatever show we still think that we've been doing comedy for 25 years I know Dan thinks it, I know Tony thinks it

when you come up and see your name on the list on a show, any show, you're like I'm fucking lucky to be here so take advantage of that time, get to it do the most that you can do as you're doing it 100% Steven Marcus Relaford ladies and gentlemen So take advantage of that time. Get to it. Do the most that you can do as you're doing it. One hundred percent. Steven Marcus Relaford, ladies and gentlemen. He's on Instagram at Just Vibes Collective.

And that's tonight's episode of Kill Tony. We did it. The entire time Ryan J. Ebel was drawing tonight's episode. Take a little gander at that. Wow. That is incredible. Great detail on Jeremiah and Joel. They look a little more feminine in that picture than they do in real life.

But we did it. The Sklar brothers are going to be in Ann Arbor this weekend for shows at the Comedy Showcase. And we're going to be in Lansing, Grand Rapids, and Detroit, Toronto next week. Jeremiah Watkins was actually that young lady in the blonde over there, believe it or not. That was Jeremiah the entire time. Wow, people just can't wait to get out of here. There goes some of Trump's distant cousins

getting up early. My God. Look at this douchebag. Yeah, dude, have your mommy. That guy just said all lives matter. All lives matter Jeremiah has a brand new amazing episode of his great podcast

Jeremiah Wonders Out with Steve Lee That's Bobby Lee's hilarious, awesome, charismatic brother What else is going on, J-Dubs? Tuesday, October 23rd Tuesday, October 23rd We're doing a live stand-up on the spot podcast recording in the Bally Room. Now that means that the audience

gets to make suggestions about what the comedians on this show talk about, and this, I believe, is the first time ever that you're recording it and putting it out as a podcast. So it's basically, you could be part of a little mini comedy album. You could sort of co-write

some of your favorite comedian's bits. So that's awesome. Tony Hinchcliffe will be there, Brian Redband, Moshe Kasher, Ryan Sickler. It's going to be great. Damn, that's awesome. Some of you Kill Tony fans. Good to see me, Redband, and another one of our favorite guests, Moshe Kasher. Chroma Chris,

I almost forgot to ask, what did you think about tonight's episode? I loved the finish Tony you can also check me out I got three shows this weekend with my band Drack and the Swamp Rats so just follow me on Instagram and I'll post all the shows Chris what do you think about

the two what would we call it gender what do you think about the gender fluid and transgender going back to back the power of the bucket tonight to, what would we call it? Gender, what do you think about the gender fluid and transgender going back to back? The power of the bucket tonight. Why do you think that happened?

How did Destiny work that way? Just beautiful women, Tony. Just all over. Hell yeah, he's running for office at some point. Someone's running for Congress. Hey, how about you make some noise for the great and powerful Jaylene Santa Monica. Wow.

Not the first time I've seen a Mexican cotton aficionate before. That's how my dad got here, you son of a bitch. That's actually Joel Berg, the very popular, incredible Joel Jimenez, who will be with us all weekend with Jeremiah.

I got a shirt coming out soon. Me and Ryan J. Ebell are working on it. Whoa. The great Ryan J. Ebell made Joel a shirt. That's very exciting. Speaking of shirts, the Kill Tony shirt and a new Death Squad shirt is out in the lobby

right now for sale. Boom. Go get it. Get yourself a shirt. Go get it. We're talking shirt live from the Comedy Store, the number one comedy club on the planet. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Have a great night, everybody.

We'll see you planet. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Have a great night, everybody. We'll see you soon. Thank you. ༼� ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ ༼ � ស្លាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប់ពីប្រាប