KILL TONY - KILL TONY #296

Episode Date: September 27, 2018

Brendan Walsh, Ben Bailey, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 09/24/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes of Kill Tony. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us

live. Not only do we do the comedy store every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we are going on the road. We're going to be in San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania. That's October 12th. It's two shows. It's going to be two separate shows. And it's going to be our 300th episode.

So check out kill tony mania at cobs comedy company also we're going to be in swansea massachusetts san antonio texas austin texas houston texas fort worth texas and a bunch of new dates are always being added so go to death squad.tv and click on tour dates also check out ryanjebelt.com. That's the house artist. He draws every episode, ryanjebelt.com. Tony has his own website, tonyhingecliff.com. Go to Tony's website for everything Golden Pony, tonyhingecliff.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. That's where you can get the official Kill Tony shirt. We also have some new Death Squad shirts and a new Death Squad hat. Go to shopsquad.tv.

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Wow. Hi, everybody. Make some noise. We're here on a Monday, the number one live podcast in the world. Brian Red Band is here. Brian J. Ebelt's sitting

over there drawing tonight's episode. While you guys all sit there enjoying the show, he draws the episode. And he sells them on his website, ryanjebelt.com. We just got back from an amazing weekend in Michigan where we did Kill Tonys in Lansing, Grand Rapids,

and Detroit, Michigan. And it sure is fun to be home. And yeah, there was only one drive-by at one of our shows, only one. In Detroit, yes, that actually is true. It wasn't at one of our shows, it was outside after the show, but yes, you are correct, technically there was a drive-by at one of our shows. Hello to the thousands and thousands watching the live stream on YouTube right now, and good day to the hundreds packed

into this room, maybe a hundred and a half. So we're excited though. And for those of you watching the live stream, I'm back on the road tomorrow. I go to Toronto, Canada, where I'm headlining shows tomorrow. And every single night, new shows added as of today to Toronto, Canada. And we already have a sold out Kill Tony Friday night in Toronto. Next week I'm in Chicago all weekend, 10-3 to 10-6. That's five shows at Zany's downtown. And then the week after that, it's Kill Tony Mania, live in San Francisco.

Really big deal. It's the first time ever that we're doing two separate Kill Tonys in the same night. That's two Kill Tonys with two different, you know, the band will be doing two different characters. It's two different buckets. It's two different everything. And it's our, one of the episodes, it's our 300th episode. You are correct. It is episode 299 and episode 300.

So if you're anywhere near the San Francisco area, why not make a Friday night out of it? And then a week or two after that, we're in Swansea, Massachusetts doing a Kill Tony. And then San Antonio, Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth are all getting your own Kill Tonys in November. And then just a little fun fact, I'm in Baltimore the last weekend of November doing stand up and I do stand

up in Dallas Texas on New Year's Eve this year so that's where I'll be on New Year's Eve there will be no kill Tony if you're wondering because it does land on a Monday there will be no kill Tony that night comedy store will be doing their own thing so yeah life's good

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Sign up at ktshow.robinhood.com. That's ktshow.robinhood.com. One more time, ktshow.robinhood.com. You guys ready to start this or what? Here we go. Every week, I always have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. I'm excited about this show because this is two guests who it's their first time ever on Kill Tony

and it's two of our favorite comedians. Make some noise for the great Brendan Walsh and Ben Bailey everybody, come on. Here we go. Yeah. Get on in here. What do you want to do? We got Brendan.

We got Ben Bailey. Yeah. The crowd goes crazy. Welcome to the show, guys. This is your first time on. I'm pumped to have you. Thank you. We love new guests on this show, and we're going to watch some people together and meet new humans.

I'm so fucking psyched, dude, I'm going to freak the fuck out. I'm in full ketosis right now. Are you really? Yeah. Is that intermittent fasting? I don't know what it is. I just learned it. High fat, no sugar, low carbs.

My first day of no sugar, low carbs. My first day of no sugar and no carbs. I'm fucking ketosing out, baby. I thought you were saying you had bad breath. I have ketosis. But that's halitosis, right? Yeah, that's halitosis. But keto does make you have bad breath. That's one of the things.

If you're not eating, yeah, you get that hungry breath. Keto halitosis? I wouldn't know about it. I have the metabolism of a young god. We have a band on this show, guys. Every single episode, they commit to different characters. Like, for example, this past weekend in Lansing's show, they were billionaires. That's hilarious.

And then in Detroit, they were billionaires. And then in Detroit they were nerds which was the return of the nerds. Very popular guest. And they were also, what was the other one? I don't know. The Danny Brown episode just confused me. Wait till you see that episode. That was the most fucked up episode we've

ever made. There you go. Let's talk about the negatives, Brian. No, fucked up in a good way. Yeah, sure. Fuck up episode we've ever had. There you go. Let's talk about the negatives, Brian. No, fucked up in a good way. Fucked up in a great way. Everyone knows that fucked up means great. It's fucked up. Hell yeah. Super fucked up. It was turned down, if you

will. Let's see what they are tonight. Throughout the night, they're going to stay in character. I never know what they're going to be. The guests never know what they're going to be. Here we go. Here they are tonight. Throughout the night, they're going to stay in character. I never know what they're going to be. The guests never know what they're going to be. So, here we go. Here they are tonight. It's the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez,

and Chroma Chris. Here we go. Wow. They are definitely police, everybody. Wow. This is wild. We've had these guys on before. We've seen them before.

Wow. Definitely police officers. Jeremiah has a thick mustache He really looks like a young Howard Stern This is incredible Officer, I don't know if that bicycle helmet is fitting quite properly there Somebody stole my damn bike Then we have the great Chroma Chris over there Looking like Hulk Hogan's first born son

Preemie Jeremiah has that Wanda Sykes hair or something Look at that And then we have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez Who really actually tonight looks like A LA police officer It's the first time I've really known What Joel is.

So here we go. We're going to watch a show with police officers Ben Bailey and Brendan Walsh. I have a bucket filled with comedians' names. Sometimes it's a comedian that's been doing it a while. Sometimes it's somebody's first time ever. And you never know what's going to happen. If you get pulled out, if you signed up earlier and you get pulled out, you get 60 seconds.

You know your time's up and you hear the sound of a kitten. Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. Yes, sure. Extra. Yep. There you go. There's that magic button. You guys ready to start this thing or what? It's Kill Tony live from the Comedy Store.

This is it. This is where the magic happens. I like this crowd. You can tell people come from afar. Right? Where are you guys from? You in the green shirt. Just moved here today

from Washington. That's how dialed in I am. All right. Have you updated your tags yet? Your first performer getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Patrick Bautista. Patrick Bautista. Uh-oh.

You know what that means. Blacklisted. If you miss your spot, you get blacklisted. So he is officially blacklisted. In the precinct, we have a... Yep. In the precinct, we have a different type of blacklist, Tony. Oh, I think I know what you meant there.

All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Brandon Jordan, everyone. Here we go. Brandon Jordan. I see movement. Here he comes. One more time for Brandon Jordan, everyone. What's up, everybody?

Man, I'm about to be 32 in a couple weeks, man. 32. Getting old, man. As I'm getting older, I'm starting to realize the conversations I'm having with my mother are different from when I was younger. Like, when I was 18, 19, you'd talk to my mom, it'd be like, hey son, how you doing? You know, are you eating good? Are you changing your drawers? You know, shit like that.

Now when I talk to my mother now, it's all about, hey son, we gonna have you some grandkids. When you gonna get married? That's it, you know. She finds a way to put it into every conversation. When I was leaving the doctor, right, as I was leaving out, just called my mom to see how she was doing.

Say, Mom, what's going on? What you doing? Nothing, baby. I'm at work. What about you? I'm just leaving the doctor. She instantly broke out crying. Brandon, why didn't you just tell me? I don't understand. What's going on? I'm like, Mom, what are you talking about? Why didn't you just tell me you're shooting blanks?

That's why you ain't got no grandkids with me. Mama. Like, Mama, it don't work like that. There we go. Brandon Jordan. Hell yeah. Give me the word and I'll cuff him, Tony. It's okay, Officer Joelberg.

You can stand back for now. Brandon, how's it going? Is this your first time on the show? No, second time. What happened the first time you were on? Give us a quick little reminder. Did it go better than it did tonight? Yeah, I had a better set.

Yeah? Tonight? Yeah, I did. Okay. Do you swear to tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so help you God? I don't think cops say that. You have the right to remain silent, you... Yeah, I was taking a piss when you

called my name, so I was running up here trying to catch my breath. Where are you from, Brandon? Detroit. Detroit. How long have you been in L.A.? Since February. Since February. What do you do for work? I'm a retail manager at Chic. Retail manager at Chic? What's Chic?

Shoe store. Checks out the tag store on his shoes. What's the location of that shoe store? Fox Hills. What is it? Fox Hills Mall. What's the location of that shoe store? Fox Hills. What is it? Fox Hills Mall. What's Fox Hills? The mall off the 405 in Culver City, right by the airport.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense. What's the employee discount like there? What is the employee discount there? It's based on what the company paid for the shoe. Oh, okay. So it's different. It's different prices for every shoe. Oh. Okay. So it's different. It's different prices for every item.

So wholesale plus 10% or something? Yeah, something like that, yeah. Not bad. I know the shoe business. Yeah. Is there anything that you miss about Detroit? Yes, a lot of stuff. Like what?

Rent. The food. Yeah. What kind of food do you miss? Corned beef. Faygo. Buttermate. Are you a juggalo? Faygo. Coney Island.

Faygo is huge there. That's where it's made. Wu-Tang Clan bottom too. So it's just crazy. What's where it's made. Wu-Tang Clan bought them too, so it's just crazy. What's your favorite flavor? It's still a beverage. The Rock and Rye. Wow, that was what Malcolm

was raving about. There you go. You know what that sound means. A raving. Yes, they were raving about it. That's how that bird's name is spelled. Yes, it's a raving. That, they were raving about it. That's how that bird's name is spelled. Yes, it's a raving. That's what that bird is. So, Brandon, what do you do for fun now that you live in L.A.?

I'm a big concerts, sports. You know, I can't wait for Thursday to go to see my Vikings play. Where's that at? At the Coliseum versus the Rams. Oh, okay. Why are the Vikings your team if you're from Michigan? Because I was born and raised not to cheer for the loser Lions. Wow.

I thought you were going to say it's because you're Scandinavian. No. So you were always a Vikings fan? Yeah, I've been a Vikings fan since I started watching football. Oh, okay. Did you leave a relationship or anything behind in Detroit? Nah, mm-mm. You've been single since you got here to L.A.?

Mm-mm, still single. You been on any dates or anything like that? A couple. Yeah? How have those gone for you? Not too good. Yeah? How do they do?

Is it a Tinder situation? Nah, we don't do the Tinder. I'm old school. What do you do? These girls that you went on dates with How did you find them? I meet them in person At the mall You ever pick up a girl at the shoe store? Oh, of course, all the time

You have lovely feet That's part of the game Tony, you looking for a job? Your interrogation skills are amazing That's interesting Do you look at Al Bundy as a role model? Your interrogation skills are amazing. That's interesting. Do you look at Al Bundy as a role model? Hell no.

Hell no. You ever been on a police ride-along before? Yeah, I've been on a police ride-along a couple times. On a bike? No. Sometimes I put people on my bike bags, take them around town. They can't do that when they're handcuffed.

So you've been arrested? Yeah, I've been arrested before. What for? Tickets. Pryors, please. What kind of tickets? Murder. They do only give tickets for murder in Detroit.

It's like a $400 fine. It's a pretty heavy fine, though, yeah. Oh, sir, I'm going to have to let you off with a warning this time. Prisons are full right now, so just don't murder anyone else. In your defense, the guy was being a dick. Wow. So, Brandon, I don't think I got an answer. What did you end up doing on those dates?

Where did it go wrong? Where did it go wrong? Oh, I don't know. Just, I ain't, the girls, ain't shit. I don't know. I don't know. It was one girl I recently was talking to and I messed up on her. I messed up though. It was my fault.

Did you tell her that she ain't shit? Is that why? No. You ain't shit. What did you do to mess it up? Oh, I really liked her and I was over pursuing her. Oh, hell yeah. Over pursuing.

Were you doing just texting her too much? Yeah Not playing the game right Like a Pepe Le Pew situation What do you mean? Pepe Le Pew, the skunk who's always trying to fuck the cat And bugs buddy She just accidentally gets a white stripe down her back.

Yeah, yeah. She walks under a fucking... And then the skunk's like, I think I can fuck this cat. Yeah, like that. Brandon, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? You know how to like yo-yo while skydiving? Nah, I ain't got nothing like that. Special skills?

Nah. Do you have a foot fetish since you work at a... No. Do you like girls' feet? No, not feet. I like to eat pussy. Oh, there you go. Go to his shoe store, ladies. He will eat your pussy.

Who needs shoes when you will eat your pussy. Who needs shoes when you can get your pussy eaten? Sir, I'm just trying to try on some pumps. What are you... But you said the code word. There he goes. He got the party started for us, everybody. It's Brandon Jordan.

Let's keep moving along. He's on Instagram at Comedian Brandon Jordan. Let's keep moving along. He's on Instagram at Comedian Brandon Jordan. Alright. So there you go. We're having fun. Oh yeah. You guys having fun already out there? This looks

like a new name. Make some noise for Yoga Leroy. Yoga Leroy. Here we go. Oh yeah. We know Yoga Leroy. Here we go. Oh yeah, we know Yoga Leroy. It's just on. Yoga Leroy, everyone. I do yoga, motherfuckers.

It ain't gay at all. All right? Matter of fact, the other week, I took this young lady from my class out. You know what I'm saying? Met her at Chick-fil-A. Nice evening, you know what I'm talking about? The crazy thing is, she shows up in yoga pants.

Who the fuck goes to a first date in yoga pants? I don't know, but I liked it, right? That wasn't the thing. The thing was, first 15 minutes, she tell me, I just got out of a serious relationship. I ain't looking for nothing physical. Bitch, you in yoga pants.

Only physical things happen in yoga pants. That's why you got to meditate. I went home and I meditated to some U-porn. You know what I'm talking about? Shit was nice. That's all I got. Fuck yeah. Yoga Leroy.

That's a minute. Alright. So yoga. Yoga. All right. Hey. So yoga. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. You really love yoga that much, huh? I do yoga. Yeah.

You do it a lot? I do it sometimes. Wow. It seems like you don't really do it that much. And you like the onstage persona of a tough guy that does yoga. I mean, I love it. It made me laugh. I do yoga, motherfuckers. That's a great line,

because you seem... The only thing yoga-esque about you is the bandana wrapped around your head. Yeah, is that color gang affiliated? Yeah. Neutral. It's neutral. Purple. I don't know. You look like a racist white person's

police sketch of a black guy who does yoga. Well done. Well done. Yeah. Okay. I don't know if I actually believe that you do yoga. So how about you show us a couple of your toughest poses right now? How about that?

Doing a little bit of yoga for us. It's Yoga Leroy, everybody. Grab some yoga lighting, please. I'm going to show everybody my favorite yoga move. Alright, here we go. Oh, shit. Here it comes. He's laying on his back for you podcast listeners.

Wait, what? I didn't like it. His hands were behind his head. That's the move. Shavasana. You lay it on the ground. That's it. Wait, he said the name. Shavasana.

God bless you. Shavasana? Shavasana. God bless you. Shavasana. God bless you. You just lay on the ground. That's what you do after yoga.

After you do yoga, you just lay on the ground. That's called a yoga move. What is it called? God bless you. It's pronounced Kvasie. I can't believe I gave you the opportunity of a lifetime. You're in the main room of the Comedy Store Spotlight. I tell you to do a yoga move and you lay down.

You have the showmanship of the cue card guy on a late night show. It's incredible. I like the yoga tough guy thing. I almost thought you were going to do a whole poem. I do yoga, motherfuckers. You had me with that immediately. But I thought the whole thing was going to be

along those lines. You're like, this is called the break yourself. And then you do this. Maybe there should have been yoga moves involved in it. along those lines like, I don't know. You're like, this is called the break yourself and then you do this. Yeah, maybe there was, should have been yoga moves involved in it. Yeah, I thought when the story

about it being a more complete piece. You did? Yeah. I wasn't here then. You weren't, you weren't. I can't do the same shit I did last time

on the motherfucker. Same material, different moves. It put me in such a meditative state that I don't remember any of it ever happening. If you did yoga, your comedy name would be Tupac Chopra.

Boom. Perhaps Downward Facing Snoop Dogg? Downward Facing Snoop Dogg. So yoga, What do you... So yoga. I mean, it says Yoga Leroy, right? Can I call you Yoga? That's what it says.

Yoga Leroy. Is Leroy your real name? No. Is Yoga your real name? No. Do you know that position, downward facing sub dog? You think I was going to get up here and do yoga moves for this nigga right here? Looking at my ass.

Oh. It is a federal offense to call a police officer the N-word, sir. He was a tranny last week. I ain't doing no yoga moves for you I don't understand Whoa, whoa, sit down, Cassandra Sit down, Cassandra They're called transgender, you asshole

I'm gonna have this chick fuck the shit out of you You say tranny again There you go Very good, Cassandra Sit down, you crazy beast Fuck Very good, Cassandra. Sit down, you crazy beast. Fuck. Man, this place is chaos right now.

I love it. This is what happens when you try to offend Jeremiah Watkins. He's royalty on this show. I know. I love him. You never make fun with an officer that has clearly a vacuum extension for a mustache. So yoga. Since you don't really do yoga, what do you do for fun?

Do you have any hobbies or things that you do to chill out? It's funny. You seem like you don't want to... I do do yoga. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, dude. You do do yoga. I do yoga. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. You do do yoga. And these guys are really police officers. Yeah, absolutely.

Impersonating officer will get you into jail at least 10 to 15 years. Most people I know that are really into yoga, when they're telling me that they do, they say, I do do yoga a lot. Yeah, yeah. Boom. See? Just the very basic, I do do yoga a lot. Yeah. Boom. See? There it is. Just the very basic, I do do yoga. What else do you do do?

How long you been a genie that lives in a boom box? Woo. Joelberg is here, everybody. He is live. That's good stuff. You know, I just take care of my son. I homeschool my son. Oh, how old's your son?

He's nine. Nine. Have you taught him the ways of yoga? Nah, he's too into Fortnite to fuck with yoga right now. Ah, I see. He's a Fortnite kid. What's your favorite thing about having a kid? You can name him Yoga Matt.

He's into Fortnite. You fuck with Suge Knight. Yoga Jalen. Favorite thing about having a kid? I don't know, just having a little you, I guess. He's just like me. He looks like Tony. Yeah. A lot of people don't know this.

I still look like I'm nine, thanks to 4hims.com anti-aging kit. Order now and save $20 off your first month of the HIMS anti-aging kit. Lock in those looks now and get your first month of anti-aging for $20 off. 4hims.com slash TonySC. I believe the SC

stands for skin care. Yeah. Did you know that? Hey, listen, I'm going to check it out as soon as I get home for him. You sold the shit out of that. Heck yeah. You can keep your nine-year-old looking like a nine-year-old forever. Yeah.

Right. Lotion that baby up. And they grow fast. So, yeah. For sure. All right. Well, it was nice to have you on again, Yoga Leroy. Keep rocking and rolling.

There he goes. Yoga Leroy, everybody. Any of you officers remember that guy doing yoga moves last time he was on? Very briefly. Oh, okay. I don't. Story doesn't check out. All right. Oh, okay. I don't. Story doesn't check out. All right.

Make some noise for your next comedian, Christopher Stanley. Here we go. Here he comes. Christopher Stanley. My ex is a burlesque dancer. I found out because her burlesque Instagram page was suggested to my weight loss Instagram page. We're not together anymore,

but we still do things that only fat people do for attention. I shouldn't make fun of niche groups, though. I'm... I'm... I'm a pansexual juggalo that competes in poetry slams. No one's ever surprised when I say I'm a juggalo. They're always like, yep, clocked it. Go on. Let's move forward.

But when I say, like, I'm any type of a queer person, people go, oh, oh, I didn't know. Like, I tell them I volunteer at, like, a dog shelter. I get it, because I don't look like a queer person. I look like a Hot Topic had sex with a Wisconsin militia. I understand. I get it. Yeah.

But it's weird. I don't feel like I'm queer enough for L.A. Whenever I tell people that I am pansexual or queer, they just look at me and they go, huh. So that's what it... Alright. Jersey! How does that end? When people find out

that you're queer or pansexual, they do what? Finish it. Oh, that's what one of those looks like. Thank you. Okay, one more time for Christopher Stanley. There you go. Alright, so let's get into it. Remind me of what exactly is pansexual in the mic.

It means that no matter your gender, I want your genitalia in or around my mouth hole. Wow. I thought you were just a big fan of Pan's Labyrinth. Yeah. I thought it was maybe you fuck everything and then put it in a frying pan. Fry up to cum, baby.

Pan sexual's coming. So is it just your mouth, or how does that work? No, no, I'm more of just like a top, I guess. Yeah, I don't want... Oh, selfish. Yeah, very, very. If you give it, you gotta take it, baby. I guess, maybe. You were saying something, though, you gotta take it, baby. I guess, maybe.

You were saying something, though, that means being like a top and what, go on. Oh, I'm saying that I'm not exactly like a bottom. I don't want to get banged. At all, right. Yeah, no, no, no, I don't want to do that. So is that part of the pan part, or is that just I just want to understand, I want to learn.

It just means that I'm like attracted to almost anyone, as long as you're cute. Will you give Tony a kiss? No. Why do you say things like that? What's the difference? What's bisexual then?

Bisexual means that I guess you're only into men or women but I'm into like trans women. That's where it comes into play. Oh shit. Wow I don't see Cassandra jumping up quite as fast as she did wait well all right all right Cassandra we got it Brian's your shooting over here on this side of the desk oh I think that means he's straight okie-dokie yeah so Christopher this is your first time on the show. Yes.

Very funny. How long have you been on stand-up? About a year. About a year. All here in Los Angeles? About three months in New Jersey, then I moved out here. And I moved out here in December. Wow.

South Jersey? Where did you do stand-up in New Jersey? What's that? Where did you do stand-up in New Jersey? Just any open mics that were around there. Bat-berries. Heck yeah. I heard... Bat-berries? Bat- mics that were around there. Bat-berries. Heck yeah. I heard...

Bat-berries? Bat-berries. Bat-berries? Bat-berries. I live in New Jersey. Oh, what part? A part. Let's just say Ben doesn't necessarily want

all the pansexuals to know about it. You know what I mean? The pansexual Jersey scene. Last thing he wants to do is get out of his car and somebody's sucking his dick. I live in Morristown. Oh, dope. Hudson County.

Oh, maybe he does want somebody sucking his dick when he gets out of his car. I didn't realize what might happen. I was like, fuck, man, I'll give you my home address. Dope. No, I just didn't know that you could actually do comedy in New Jersey on a regular basis. Yeah, around Hoboken, Jersey City, there's a lot of open mics.

Can you sign my baton? I love Jay and Silent Bob. Please. Oh, really? If you're someone out there currently pursuing stand-up in New Jersey, go to New York. Yeah, or quit comedy. What the fuck are you doing?

It's like a quarter of a mile. But now you live here. For how long? Go across the river and start doing it in fucking New York. What's wrong with you? Sorry, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to people that are currently still doing it in New Jersey. You alerted me to a situation. I thought I should address it.

You've been here how long? Nine months. What's your living situation? I live I should address it. You've been here how long? Nine months. Nine months. What's your living situation? I live in Koreatown in a one bedroom. Oh, cool. By yourself? Yeah.

Cool. Very fun. You like Koreatown? I do. Do you like it? Let me ask you this. Pansexual man. Is there anything that you won't fuck?

Is there a specific race, perhaps? Anyone that looks like me, I wouldn't fuck. Oh, there you go. I get it. I get it. Check it out. Carry on. You've got to give yourself more credit, Christopher.

Wearing camo shorts like that, I can barely tell that your hips are gigantic. Thank you. Looks like World War II down there. Jesus. In the trenches. How old are you, Christopher? I'm going to be 31 on Friday.

Thank you. Did I ask you what you do for a living yet? Yeah. Oh, no, you didn't. I'm an insurance adjuster and also a Lyft driver. Has anybody ever told you you look like the dad from Teen Wolf? No. Look up the image online. You'll laugh later.

Didn't get anything in the room. It was for the podcast listeners at home, I guess. I can see it now, though. It took me a minute, but I see it. So insurance adjusting, does that mean that you go and you do a little bit of your own research, like Dog the Bounty Hunter? Like you sort of just climb over people's fences and shit? Yeah. Really?

Yeah, no, well, I don't hop over any fences. But yeah, no, no, I do. You better not. We're going to get you anyways. Yeah, no, I look at damage and then I write estimates for it. All right. Can I ask you a question?

What's a juggalo? A juggalo is a fan of the... Oh. Wow, there you go. He was right there. He's a fan of the Insane Clown Posse. Oh. Really?

Fago, Fago. Shout out to Detroit. Whoa, whoa. Shit, man. Okay. How much of a fan are you? You go to live shows and stuff? Yeah, I've been doing that since I was like 12.

Is that the Undertaker's logo on your arm? No, this is my buddy's clothing brand. Oh. Yeah. Oh, okay. You got a tattoo of it. Yep. You're such a loyal friend.

I'm a loyal dude. Did you fuck that friend? No. He won't let me. I've tried. Who would you rather fuck, Freddy Krueger or Jason from Friday the 13th? It's true. You're pansexual.

You should be able to pick one. Jason. Jason. Freddy's gross. It's disgusting. He's not a tall drink of water like Jason. Oh, yeah. Freddy's funnier.

What's the strangest thing you have ever put your dick into? It was a trans woman, but just had a wig and some lipstick. It wasn't very... It wasn't very convincing? Not very convincing. No.

It was a dude with a wig and lipstick? Pretty much, yeah. Alright, there you go. Did it look like this? With lipstick and a wig? Red band! All right, well, Christopher, it was nice to meet you. Fun times.

There he goes. First ever openly pansexual comedian on this show. I didn't even know what that meant. These things are popping up every week. I'm finding out about new things you could put your dick into. Still doesn't really make sense. This is so much like cash cap. I think it would just be bisexual,

even if it's trans or anything like that, you know? For $200, what's the weirdest thing you've stuck your dick into? That guy. All right, we've had this young man on this show before and at least I believe so I know for a fact that I met him outside one day and I thought he

was interesting as hell and had an unbelievable charisma to him and then I went to I was judging a roast battle here on a Tuesday night one night and I saw him roast battle and again, very impressive. I can't tell whether he's a genius or he's crazy. So here he is for you, ladies and gentlemen,

William Montgomery. He's something else. He's a special character. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise one more time for William Montgomery. I'm going to lose the fucking caboose! That is the train conductor with the gambling problem. I like it when my mom goes out of town because I get to sleep on her side of the bed.

I have a friend who's paralyzed from the waist up, which is a blessing because he's a dancer. I just spent $30 fucking dollars on the ecstasy. The least you can do is buy the movie tickets. It was an impression of my uncle in 94 before we went to go see the movie Twister. So I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to heroin.

It makes my stomach hurt. I'm not a big fan of hallucinogens, but I love how acid makes evanescent sound. Fuck yeah. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. That's how it's done right there. I mean, holy fucking shit, William Montgomery.

Every time I've ever seen you or talked with you, you've always somehow wildly impressed me. Have you been on this show before? Remind me. I never have. I've been signing this show before? Remind me. I never have. I've been signing up for three months now. Wow. This is your first time ever on this show.

First time. Thank you. I must have met you about three months ago when you started coming here, and I had a conversation with you at the back door for a while. Back door. I was high on PCP, I'll be quite frank, y'all.

I don't believe it. Let me tell this story real quick, because I don't have very many great stories about a lot of the people in this scene, but I do have a special one with you, because I was judging the roast battle one night, and he did something that I've never seen in the history of that show,

and I've done this show a lot, I've judged this show a lot, whatever. I've seen a lot of that show. I love that show. And he came out and basically this was, you get five jokes each, go against the other five jokes, one round. And let me tell you what this fucking maniac did. His first joke was garbage. The worst, hackiest, horrible, most horrible garbage in the world. And his opponent was literally like,

well, fuck you, bitch, and slammed him. And then it was all just diamonds and aces from there on out. He took his opponent out of the mindset. He convinced his opponent that he was going to win, and then you fucking destroyed strategically. You made him think you were retarded. That fucking bitch. And then you absolutely decimated

him like a movie villain or something like that. It was unbelievable. It's like a hustler. It was. It was. It was strategic psychological warfare. So, William, let's talk about it. I want to get to know more about you. Where are you from other than the end of the rainbow?

I am from Memphis, Tennessee. Yeah. How long have you been in LA? I've been here eight months now. Eight months. How long have you been doing comedy? Eleven years. Eleven years.

Almost all of it in Memphis, huh? No, I lived in, I started in Knoxville, Tennessee, where I went to college, and ended up moving to New York, living with a stripper named Darla up in Spanish Harlem. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Was that her stripper name? Darla? That's the worst stripper name ever. That was just her name.

Not if you're a Little Rascals fan. Call me Alfalfa. And how long did you live with the stripper in Harlem? Three months. And then I ended up drinking too many Four Locos and doing ecstasy with the guys on the block, and I had to go back to Memphis.

I went to graduate school for history, thinking I wanted to be a history teacher. I soon found out I didn't like history all that much. All about the future, man. When you were in New York,

did you be sure to hit all the open mics in Jersey while you were there? Yeah, funny story. I don't know if y'all are familiar with the open mic scene in Jersey, but it is second to none. That's what we're hearing. So, William, how's LA been treating you? What's been happening here?

It's been good. I live with a young lady named Angie. I met her on Craigslist. Right when I moved here, I was living in Compton. You live with a lady named Angie that you found on Craigslist? Yes. That's crazy, because I live with a guy named Craig that I met on Angie's list. on Craig's list?

Yes. That's crazy, because I live with a guy named Craig that I met on Angie's list. You get to make that joke once in a lifetime. That was good. Tell me about Craig. But yeah, no, it's been going well. I work at a self-storage unit place.

Yeah? What do you do there? I lease out self- If it's a self storage unit then what the fuck are you doing just being creepy outside like you got that shit or what because if you don't you're fucked

I do a lot of that I stand outside of of the bathroom I hold the bathroom keys one of the things that's really standing out to me right now is the roars that you're getting from the comedians themselves. It's sort of crazy. Normally they hate people that do good,

but they seem to all be on your side. You do a lot of open mics? Do you hustle a lot? I'm grinding away at the open mics. I'll be quite frank. I have this issue with PCP. Half the time I'm at the open mics the other half the time I'm down in Scottsdale, Arizona

with my aunt flipping over Hyundai Elantras, y'all What? I feel like you're our version of the catch me outside girl What do you say you're doing in Arizona? Flipping over what? Hyundai Elantra.

It's a surprisingly light car. That's what you do on PCP? It is. Half the time we end up in the LaserQuest arena just standing behind the smoke machines. The other half we are fucked up. Just in the Laser Quest arena just standing behind the smoke machines. The other half, we are fucked up, just in the parking lot just looking for Hyundai Elantras.

Hyundai Elantras? Oh my god. I wonder if I didn't know what you were saying. I'm never going to be able to look at an Elantra the same way again. This is crazy. Every time I see anybody in an Elantra, I way again. This is crazy. Every time I see anybody in an Elantra, I'm going to think I could flip your car if I wanted to.

If I had a leprechaun with me, at least. What does that mean? It means you look like a leprechaun. Hyundai Elantra. Easy to flip over. If you had to guess how many Elantras you flipped in your life, what would that number be? I don't have to guess.

It's 14. 14. Wow. William fucking Montgomery. This is impressive. You know what, Tony? Officer Watkins. He made multiple confessions of drug possession

while he's been up here, but I'm going to turn the other way. I like this guy. Officer Watkins giving you a warning. Man, William, so what are your goals? What do you want to do? You want to be a professional comedian or be an Elantra flipper?

I don't know. A couple years ago, I was living in Scottsdale, Arizona, and I was general manager of a La Quinta Inn. I like the way this guy talks. And I was selling a bunch of Xanax bars that are in 217. And I was selling a bunch of Xanax bars at a room 217. Is that a fucking joke?

All right. Joel Berg is mimicking physical movements at him for you podcast listeners doing some pantomiming. Well, William, I mean, I feel like I could talk to you forever. What scares you? What are you afraid of? Well, I have all these recurring nightmares where

I'm on a... Elantra flips you! Oh! Fuck yeah. We have a new Licky here. Where I'm on an elevator, and it's just this vivid dream, and I'm on an elevator,

and I'm talking and looking at the people across from me, and the elevator shakes a little, and then it collapses. So I think to answer your question, I'm afraid to go to malls now. I don't want to go to malls. When you wake up from some of these nightmares, do you ever wake up like crazy?

You ever like shock yourself awake? He goes to sleep crazy. I'm going to take a shot in the dark here. It might have something to do with the PCP. You know, I would love to invite you to the Ice House next Friday. Not this Friday, but the next Friday if you want. Wow. Wow, look at that. Here he is,

ladies and gentlemen, all off of his Kill Tony debut, William Montgomery. Follow him on Instagram. William.f.Montgomery. Is that right? William dot F dot Montgomery one? Is that right? I guess so.

So he got a gig? Yeah, he just got a gig out in Pasadena. Don't drive your Hyundai to the gig next time. Yeah. I live with a stripper named Elantra. Entree. Entree. I have no idea what he was fucking saying.

You guys having fun out there? Craziness. William Montgomery, his first time, been signing up for three months every Monday. Wow. That kind of compressed energy. That's what I love about this show. All right, let's meet someone else.

Make some noise for James Bida. Bida? James Bida. Here he comes. All right, here we go. James Beda, everyone. All right. Thank you. How are we all doing? All right, so a little bit about me. I'm Brazilian-American. 100% Brazilian blood, born and raised on American soil, which means a lot of people find me very attractive, but I'm very arrogant and hate everyone who I don't know. It's a real dilemma.

but I'm very arrogant and hate everyone who I don't know. It's a real dilemma. I may not look it, but I spent most of my life being really fat. Now I'm not thin either. Now I'm just that kind of fat where you're not fat until you sit down, and then everything just kind of doubles up. When I was real young, they told me I was borderline obese. Then they

told me if I wanted to cross over the borderline into obesity, all that's required are parents who can't read American food labels. Yeah. See, when I brush my teeth, my torso still looks like a plate of jello on top of a washing machine. That's it. Have a nice time. James Beda. First question. Why can't you be more like

William Montgomery? Man, I was so afraid to follow that guy. He was funny. It is tough to follow William, obviously. So, thanks. Especially when you look like the top half of a baby pony. Baby monkey?

Yes, thank you. Like a baby centaur or something like that. You ever get that? Anyone ever tell you that you should have the bottom half of a horse? That's the first time. The first time, yeah. Last time you told me I was Edward Scissorhands. Nah, with something else.

Like with AIDS or something, right? I wouldn't have just said Edward Scissorhands. Unless you had fucking scissors on your hand. All the charisma of Edward Scissorhands. Nah, it was better than that. I think you naturally punch brilliant things down He looks like Mowgli if he was

raised by chihuahuas Okay, yeah, there you go Looks like Gilda Radner if she was still dead So you were born in Brazil? No, I was born in America But your parents are both Brazilian Yes What do you do that's Brazilian? No, I was born in America. But your parents are both Brazilian? Yes.

What do you do that's Brazilian? Anything Brazilian about you? You like jujitsu or barbecue or something like that? Barbecue's good. Yeah, no, I... That part was sort of like the rhetorical question part. No, I mean, I just try to ignore my past pretty much. Wow, why is that? I don't know. I thought it was funny.

You don't like your parents? You still have your mom's haircut. Nah, I mean, they're all back in Boston. I moved out here, so. Austin? Boston. Boston. I'm just trying to live my own life.

How old are you? 26. Oh, cool. How long have you lived out here? Four years. Yeah? What do you do? I work at Dunkin' Donuts.

I came out for film school. Film school ended up... Film people ended up being kind of weird. No shit. Yeah. I don't really like hanging out on sets or anything. Jeez, so descriptive. Man, you have the charisma of Edward Scissorhands.

With AIDS. I don't eat much either. You don't eat much? No. Now, did you transfer... Just the bare necessities. Duncan... Redbeard.

Redbeard. So, Dunkin' Donuts is a very famous Boston, you know, specialty. Did you transfer from a Dunkin' Donuts there to a Dunkin' Donuts here? I didn't transfer, but I did work at a Dunkin' Donuts in Boston. Right, so you were able to get employed at a Dunkin' Donuts out here

easier because you were a Dunkin' Donuts, like, black belt from where the Dunkin' Donuts is like. I mean, that's like Starbucks in Seattle. Dunkin' Donuts black belt from where the Dunkin' Donuts is. That's like Starbucks in Seattle. Dunkin' Donuts is Boston. I'm the Hicks and Gracie of Dunkin' Donuts. Right, for sure.

So how many years total have you worked at Dunkin' Donuts? Going on three. Wow. And how many blood moons is that? Total between both Dunkin' Donuts? Sorry. Or just the one here? Total. Total between the two.

I'm sorry. Am I allowed to ask questions? No, yeah, yeah, no, of course. Was there like a manager at the Dunkin' Donuts here who was like, yo, that Boston shit's not gonna fly? We do shit our own way out here. No, not really. No? Okay. Those are gluten-free sprinkles.

What do you notice are the differences between the LA Dunkin' Donuts customers and the Boston Dunkin' Donuts customers? Well, the Boston customers, they all have their own Dunkin' language. They just go in and say... Everybody from Boston sounds like they're retarded. That's the accent.

When you say Dunkin' language, what do you mean exactly? They all have a specific cadence. English. Here, they're just like, When you say Dunkin' language, what do you mean exactly? Like they just order. They all have a specific cadence when they order. English. Here they're just like, oh, I've never been here. What do I? They all act that confused.

Oh, geez. You're saying the people in L.A. don't know how to look at a menu and read? No, they don't. What location do you work at? Hollywood. Wow. Like right in the heart of Hollywood? Hollywood and Argyle.

Who's the most famous Dunkin' Donuts customer you've had? Meredith Palmer from The Office. She comes in all the time. Oh, my. Yeah, cops, do you want to talk to the donut guy? I mean, what are your specials lately? I'll bring you a Boston cream pie next time. What are your specials lately? Is that a sexual term? What is a Boston cream pie?

It's a donut with chocolate frosting Boston cream pie is when you grab a guy from Boston From the back of the head You kick him in the balls He starts pissing out cum And then you put him in the back of your squad car And you go, you're going to jail for life, buddy. Wow.

I didn't realize you could piss out cum. You've never been kicked in the dick by a bike cop, nor have you. I pedal all day. That's all I do. His body cam footage clearly shows him kicking him in the balls until he pissed cum. So, James, what do you like to do for fun when you're not dunking, you know? Making the donuts.

I just smoke weed, try to fight off existential dread. Yeah, you look like you work more at pumpkin donuts. You know what I'm talking about? I don't like pumpkin shit. This guy's wearing a hoodie. He smokes weed. I don't like pumpkin shit. This guy's wearing a hoodie. He smokes weed. I don't like pumpkin shit. What do you like?

One just note on your set. You were talking about how you're fat and you've like, what, a 24-inch waist there or something? I used to be really fat. Is that true? Most of my life, yeah. Pretty much. What were you doing? Getting high on your own supply over at Dunkin'? I grew up

and my parents didn't really know about processed foods and stuff. I just grew up on sugary cereal and McDonald's. I keep getting these little hints of you really disliking your parents. Am I right? I feel like there's a real underlying tone. Like, my parents didn't feed

me right. I had to escape my parents. Like all this shit. You seem like Wyatt from Ozark or something like that. You look like if Gilligan never made it off the island. He looks like he calls an escape room Thanksgiving family dinner.

Okie dokie. What's the deal with your parents? Do you ever talk to them? Maybe two or three times a week. Wow, that's a week. Oh, wow. That's a lot. Not me. Sometimes.

Sometimes it's like once every two minutes. You close with both of them? No. No, it's weird. I'm not very close with my dad at all. What does he do? Pretty close with my mom. He's a teacher.

Oh, what does he teach? Well, when I was a kid, he taught math. Now he teaches Spanish. Oh, yeah. He's a substitute teacher, so he's not employed. Do you call your dad Dad or Poppy? What do you call him? Dad.

He wants to shed those Brazilian roots. Sometimes I call him Father. You're from Brazil and he teaches Spanish? Yeah, I speak Spanish, too. You don't Brazil and he teaches Spanish? Yeah. I speak Spanish too. Geez, you don't care about Portuguese at all? Portuguese. We're very close. Not that many people speak. There's not much of a need for Portuguese here. Tell them that.

Checks out. Under what circumstance do you ever call your dad father? Like what is that? Like when you guys are like reenacting Star Wars scenes or some shit like that I need to talk to you. You're not sure if he can hear you Can you put father on my back? Like well, like can you use it in a sentence like talk to your dad and bring it up like say it like give me an

example like say it. Give me an example. Father, can you hear me? Hey, what's up, Father? Say that again. What? Talk right into the end of the microphone. If he called me, I'd be like, oh, what's up, my father? I'd be like, whatever. You said, like, black people say

the N-word. Hey, what up, my father? Oh, it's father. You can't say the hard R. Father. Father. You call your dad like you're going to Sunday Mass or something. What I think it is, I think I've always just tried to make my parents laugh, but they just don't really find anything I find funny.

Are they here tonight? No. Now, does your father have a fat ass? Now does Does your father have a Fat ass Yeah does he have a Brazilian ass Or your mom Well they are Brazilian so their asses are Brazilian yes

I mean you know what I mean juicy Like look at Cassandra's ass Do they all look like Stop it red band You do have the right to remain silent. Yeah. Alright. James, fun times, dude. Nice to meet you.

Tough to follow William Montgomery, man. But there he goes. Lots of courage. James Beda. Back to the bucket we go. Where it stops. Nobody knows. B-Dub. Back to the bucket we go. Where it stops, nobody knows.

You know. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Rick Seagal. Rick Seagal? Seagal? Rick Seagal? Is that Rick getting up super slow over there? Or is that just like... That can't be Rick, right?

Blacklisted. There you go, blacklisted. You and your brother Steve. Wow. All right. Here we go. Here's another name. Make some noise for Paige Rios.

Here we go. Paige Rios. It is the Samson song. It is the Samson, Samson song. Oh, we know her. Here she is, cool, cool. I'm on Tinder right now because that's how my life is going. I mean, I'm not, like, going to lie to myself. Like, I'm not on Tinder to, like, meet the love of my life, you know?

I'm there to fuck. It's Tinder, you guys. Come on. We're all there to fuck, you know? But, like, honestly, like, if I could just say, like, the guys on Tinder are just, like, too fucking direct with me to be completely honest like i'll match with a guy and he'll be like hey and i'll respond and i'll be like hey what's up next fucking message right away is like let's fuck holy shit dude like jesus christ like no like witty banter no like small talk no nothing dude like jesus

fucking christ send me your address dude i'm down i'm so fucking down dude no but like i also like i hate when guys give me mixed signals like i fucking hate that shit like like i'm casually dating sorry casually fucking this guy i don't't have time. You can go ahead. Finish it. Casually fucking this guy and like you know, it's casual. We're just, you know, we both said it was casual and then like out of the blue the other day, this fool like kisses me on the fucking forehead.

Like this most tender fucking kiss on the forehead. I'm like, don't play with my emotions like that, dude. Like don't make me think that you care about me, you fucking asshole. You piece of shit. Don't fucking kiss me on the forehead wow all right page here we go coming up here venting some of her uh real frustrations it seems uh yeah you dude how dare you give her a tender kiss on the forehead? Tony, Tony. Yes, Officer Berg.

You look like a pansexual Selena. Gomez or like Selena? The real one. Oh, the real one. Okay, cool, cool. Thank you, I guess. Wow. You're under arrest.

I was going to say you look like a more adorable version of Mario Lopez. Hello, you are watching Hotel Television. I'm Mario Lopez. It's on every hotel TV when you turn it on. She looks like the leader of an underground softball league. You look like Dora the Explorer's lesbian sister.

You look like the first ever Mexican president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. You look like Mostaza. All right, there we go. I'm glad someone killed the momentum. Let's move on. Yes, very good. All right, there we go. I'm glad someone killed the momentum. Move on. Yes, very good. All right, so Paige, you've been on the show once before, right?

Yeah, like a month ago or so. It was my first time. You chose to come back. I did, yeah. This is where you started stand-up? No, I've been doing it for like nine months. Nine months. You okay? You want some water? My voice is like not here all the way

I'm sick a little bit If we put some checkers on you, you'd look like the cash cab She is wearing all yellow For those of you listening to the podcast That's also why Brian made that mostaza joke It is mustard in Spanish. I know this because the Google page is up. That's good.

I missed that. Mustard Spanish. That's amazing. Because if you're wondering why he would ever say that, it's because for those of you with Google, so you could go pause the podcast, get to Google, type in mostaza and find out that it's mustard. But then you realize that you're not watching the podcast,

so it still doesn't work because you don't know that she was dressed like a little mustard tiny condiment. You know, one of the little ones. The little to-go ones, yeah. Heck yeah. So you've been doing it nine months. You from L.A la um yeah covina so like la county yeah oh there's the covina drum roll from joelberg i don't like to claim

like i'm from la because it's not really like la it's just like it's like a suburb what do you do for a living um i work at two restaurants and i go to school as well oh wow what are you studying at school? Communications. Yeah, so that you can communicate with men better? Yeah. I really need help in that area. It really, that's really crazy to me. You seem so, like, sweet and fun.

What do you think the problem is? You get, like, serious quick? You seem like one of those chicks that, like, you would go on a date and just talk about how you're not going to fuck them the whole time? That you sort of like that? Just to let you know, I'm not going to fuck you. It's like you just keep bringing it up over and over again. And then at the very end of the night,

you're mad when they don't try to fuck you. Like, he just gave me a kiss on the forehead. I don't know what that means. No, no. Well, I mentioned it last time. I just got out of a serious relationship, so I'm not looking for anything serious right now. Right. How long was your serious relationship? Two years.

Wow. I mean, it was a long time. Wow, sounds serious. What was he like? Why did that end? I don't know. We just went in different directions, I guess, to put it nicely. You're going to put a baby in me or what?

No, we just grew in different directions, I guess. We just weren't meant to be together. I still have a lot of love for him, but we're just not meant to be together. How recent was the breakup? Like almost a year ago. Oh, no. Yeah, you're not over it.

I'm not. Well, I am, but I'm just not Trying to date anybody Like I'm honestly I'm not I mean I am I am but I I don't stalk him On Instagram

So like What's his name What What's the dude's name Jacob Like a super generic name I'm not gonna tell you His last name

That sounds white He wasn't white Well he's Mexican American Alright we're gonna Have to talk to him That's like That's like off white. He wasn't white. Well, he's Mexican-American. All right, we're going to have to talk to him. That's like off-white. Okay.

He's Mexican. What does he do? He worked at the restaurant with you? No, he works at Wells Fargo. Wow. He works at a bank. Yeah. Did you guys break up?

And he's like, transaction denied. You were like, give me your deposit, fool. Give me a baby. I need your deposit. Direct deposit. And he's like, insufficient funds. Insufficient funds.

No, we actually had like a joint savings account and then like... That seemed like a great idea. Did someone say joint? Within two years, destined for failure wow it was a now in hindsight it was probably a bad idea but i think also like a few months a few months before we broke up he was like should we like counsel or saving because we're not like saving anything and that was a red flag i was like should have known he was going to break up with me like two months later but you, you know, it's okay.

Hey, could I get your half of the rent this month a little bit early? I've got some plans. Thinking about going somewhere. Everything's fine. Everything's fine. I'm not breaking up with you. Everything's chill. I'm just going to be taking this bed

out of the house real quick. Hey, do you want to go camping indoors tonight? That'll be fun, right? Let's put out the sleeping bags. What do I do that, huh? Wow. So any of you do a lot of spots throughout the week, stand-up comedy spots, or do you find yourself working at the restaurant mostly?

You've got two restaurant jobs. Usually those are nighttime. You work? No, well, like so. Are those both at the same restaurant? How would got two restaurant jobs. Usually those are night time. You work? No, well, like, so I was... Are those both at the same restaurant? How would I work two jobs? Well, you could be, like, a waitress and a, you know... No, I work at two different separate restaurants, yeah. Two different ones? They're, like, right next to each other, though. Oh. But, no, before I started, like, school again this semester, like, I was trying to get up. I was getting up, like, maybe four times a week, like, really trying to do a lot of

minutes, like, every week. But since school started, like, I'm only able to up, like, maybe four times a week, like, really trying to do a lot of minutes, like, every week. But since school started, like, I'm only able to do, like, two nights a week. So, like, tonight I come out, and then on Thursday nights is my other night that I do comedy. You look like the president of the Chicano Studies program. You've taken that, right? Thank you. I have.

I am Chicana, so, yeah. That's right. Do restaurants work right next door to each other? They're, right? Thank you. I have. I am Chicana, so yeah. That's right. Do the restaurants are right next door to each other? They're like ones upstairs. I work in an outdoor mall, so one's upstairs and one's downstairs.

Do you ever double book a shift and you have to run up and... Yeah, I've had to work a double before it sucked ass. Do you ever work at both of them at the same time? Like Three's Company. Where's our waitress?

I work at two separate restaurants. They are taking all of our jobs. She's our waitress? I work at two separate restaurants. They are taking all of our jobs. She's dressed like she'd be on the sitcom Saved by the Bell Pepper. You know what I'm talking about? I loved it. That's a good name for a restaurant. Alright, Paige.

Well, you know, I feel like the curse of William Montgomery is on us, and our expectations are now too high for everybody. So it was a tough night, but fun meeting you, fun interview, fun times, fun to have you on again. So maybe there's only one thing we can do to battle the great curse of old William Montgomery, and that's bring up a little assassin of our own. He's the regular on this show.

Every single week, this guy doesn't come out of the bucket. He writes and performs a brand-new minute every single week. He did it this week. This is his fifth new minute this week because he just did Monday and then Grand Rapids, Lansing, Detroit. Here he is again, ladies and gentlemen, Malcolm Hatchett. What's up?

I hate what niggas say, Malcolm, when you make it, don't forget about me. Nigga, you still owe me $5, what you talking about? Pay me then say that shit. I hate people who complain about dumb shit. Like, my leg itch. My feet itch. There's a nigga around the corner right now in the wheelchair with no legs.

Who would take that itchy leg and itchy foot and walk around town. You got some scrapping cream? You got a dollar? My old girl crazy. Girls crazy. Black girl call you one time, you don't answer. You cheating on her. She call you three times.

She coming to your mama house with a gun. Why you ain't answer the phone? I called you three times. My old girl was so crazy, she thought I was my mama. My mama beat her ass. And then they became best friends and they beat my ass. Why you answer the phone? Because I ain't had no minutes.

She love me, bitch would have called the house. Fuck yeah. You did it again. Malcolm Hatchett. Wow, is that true? Have you dated a lot of crazy girls? Yeah, a lot of crazy girls. Can I get some water? Yeah, have a water. Absolutely.

Thank you. Heck yeah. Well, Malcolm, you just got back from an entire weekend with us. A long weekend. Did you have fun? Grand Rapids, Lansing, and Detroit. It was fun, man.

Hell yeah. What's that little laugh that you just did? Oh, that's my laugh. That's my little giggle. You should do that after every joke. Right after you say it. I did a lot in Detroit

on accident. I'm a whooped ass. Yeah. Am I right? Just trying to be. I used to get tickled a lot, so the shit just came. Laugh.

Hell yeah. So now you're back. How's life been in the 24 hours that you've been back in Los Angeles? Everything good? Yeah. Oh, I got so much candy from Michigan, bro. Oh my God.

By the way, people were literally, like when Malcolm got on stage, people were literally throwing bags of Sour Patch Kids. Shame on you. You're killing my friends. Stop it. Hey, I got on the stage in Detroit, and I came out during a set. Shame on you, you're killing my friends, stop it. Hey, I got on the stage in Detroit, and I came out with a joint. I was like, what's up?

And somebody threw some Sour Patches in my ankle, bro. That was cool. And I was like, who threw this? And I was like, throw something else, motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I call a diabetic stripper. And you were out, weren't you outside during the drive-by? Yeah, I was outside, bro.

That shit was crazy, bro. It was crazy. It was so crazy because I was just talking. We was talking. And it was a truck. And I heard it. Boom. It sounded cool.

But I heard it like five more times. I was like, oh, these niggas for real, bro. Wow. And then there was a dude on the bike. The dude on the bike was a part of it. He was an actor. He wanted to throw us off. But I'm a nigga.

He had everything to do with it. It was crazy. And he was so scared. He threw the bike. But I thought he was going to shoot one of it. He was an actor. He wanted to throw us off, but I'm a nigga. He had everything to do with it. It was crazy. And he was so scared he threw the bike, but I thought he was going to shoot one of us because he just looked like he was ready to kill somebody. Damn. I have no idea what actually happened. Yeah. It was crazy, bro.

The guy on the bike was an actor, so you're saying he was in on it with the people in the car. He was definitely in it because he popped out of nowhere and he just threw it. That was a nice bike. Niggas ain't going to just throw no. He was definitely in it. Yeah. Because he popped out of nowhere, and he just threw it. That was a nice bike. Niggas ain't going to just throw no bike like that. Hell no. Yeah.

Wow. And he took off running. Wait a second. Was this Officer Watkins' bicycle? Yeah, it's the bike I've been looking for all damn day. Somebody stole my bike. This guy took it in a drive-by. Did it have a horn that sounded like that?

Yeah, that's how I get the perps. That's a British bike. Tony. Yes, Officer Joelberg. I shared a room with Malcolm. Yes, every night. What was that like? It's amazing.

I mean, it's interesting to see the way he writes. We were napping. Every 20 minutes he'd be staring at me while we were sleeping and thinking of some new idea. And so all the shit he writes is stuff that's just happening. So it's interesting to just watch it all kind of unfold. He's just writing about all the current shit that's going on every night. Yeah. No, it's continuous. current shit that's going on every night you know yeah no it's continuous you remind me a lot of of hanging out with

Dave Attell who is hilarious all the time it's not like he's on all the time but he's hilarious all the time and I didn't say that he got that way from trying from being from thinking of what's the funniest possible

thing and doing comedy but at the same time for whatever, 30, 35 years or whatever he's been doing it, but he wrapped his head around always being funny. And I can see you're in the beginning stages of doing that. Like you're working that muscle that way. And it really is interesting. You are truly like a 24-hour workhorse. Like he can't help himself.

Quite often I noticed he was annoying some of the, perhaps a little bit of the Kill Tony crew, maybe Officer Watkins a little bit. Yeah, because we were in a group setting, and he was talking on the phone, and we were trying to have a conversation, and the person he was on the phone with wasn't there, and I said, hey, Malcolm, it's a little bit rude, my friend.

You might want to end the phone call so we can engage with each other, my friend. Yeah, we were eating McDonald's in a hotel lobby at 3 a.m., by the way. So, way out of line. Your manners at those 3 a.m. McDonald's pig out 3 a.m. Everybody gets a piece of Malcolm but me?

Come on, I can't have a little bit of time. Don't try to spin this negative on me. I just want some time with Malcolm. Gosh darn it, Tony. You should have stayed in the room with him. Yeah, next time we'll put you two in a room together. That would be great. All right.

And then next time I'll room with you, Red Band. How does that sound? Nope. Nope. No. I'm a grown adult. Jeremiah would draw a line in the middle of the room with peace, love, and Red Band.

You guys don't want to sleep in the same fart chamber as Red Band? Keto baby. Get to know the real death squad. Did he talk in his sleep or do any snores? No, I was scared that I was going to say something racist in my sleep.

That's true. Just so Michigan knows, I mean, every day he's like, I don't know what minute it is. And then like, would figure it out that day. So just so you know, you know, he was thinking of it that day. Did you end up saying anything racist in your sleep? Do you know? Yeah, but he had his

headphones on and black people sleep with their headphones on. I didn't know. And they, he said, he's like, it's all good. I wouldn't have heard anything. And honestly, his phone was off. He still sleeps with the headphones on. That's called sleeping comfortable. Hell yeah, Malcolm.

Well, thanks. You did it again. Another brand new fun minute from Malcolm Hatchett. Alright, back to the bucket we go. Let's do it. You guys ready to meet another human being? Come on, you guys can do better than that. We're coming down the homestretch here. All right, make some noise for Tracy Walker, everyone.

Tracy Waken, perhaps? Waken? Walken? Waker? Wait, wait, everyone. Chase Tracy Waken, perhaps? Waken? Walken? Waker? Wait, wait. Nope. Blacklisted. Oh, yes.

All right. She's probably changing her tampon. Wow. Why you say things like that, I have no idea. But it doesn't really make sense. Bodes really well for you. On to the next one. It's David Wish, everybody.

David Wish. Here he comes. David Wish. Here we go. Clap your hands one more time for David Wish. Yo! How about that? It's actually Daniel Salomon.

But how y'all doing? Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'm from Boston. Yeah, Boston in the building. Living out in Los Angeles, you get to talking to people. They say, hey, where you from? You know, if you're from Boston, like a regular guy from Boston.

So where you from? Oh, Marty, Marty from Boston. How you doing? That's a regular guy from Boston. I'm black. I'm from Boston. It's not like I'm from Chicago or Philly. You know, you meet a black guy from Philly. Yo, where you from? I'm from, I'm from Boston. It's not like I'm from Chicago or Philly. You know, you meet a black guy from Philly.

Yo, where you from? I'm from Philly. Yo, you know he's from Philadelphia. You meet a black guy from Chicago. Where you from? I'm from the Chi. You know, he's from Chicago. You meet a black guy from Boston. So where you from? I'm from Boston.

Yeah, pretty much like that. Yeah, yeah. Alright. So what's your name? Daniel Salomon. What? Daniel Salomon. Daniel Salomon. Yeah. So why'd you sign up as David Wish? He's like, I didn't. I just fucking ran up

and called that out. Did you not? Did you sign up as David Wish? I sure as hell did It's okay son Check his ID officer You can tell the truth We're on your side As long as you're on my side

I did What did you do? I don't believe him You came up I plea You're guilty? I did. I did. What did you do? You heard me. I don't believe him. You heard me. You heard me. You came up to... I plea. I plea. You're guilty? I plea.

Book him for life! Get him out of here! He's not allowed on this stage again! Okay, Officer Watkins. So you went up under somebody else's name? Come again? So you went up under somebody else's name? I wrote that. I wrote that. Why did you... It's a very simple question. I wrote that. I wrote that. Why did you...

It's a very simple question. If you just answer it honestly, then all the awkwardness is going to end. Did you write that slip? I wrote that. But why? Okay, then you're good. This is a slap on the wrist. Can you stop questioning for a second?

You can have him write David Wish on this piece of paper and see if the penmanship matches. All right, help me matches. Help me breathe. That's actually a really good point. Sign up as David Wish and we'll do a handwriting analysis. All right, here we go. Sign up exactly like you did.

Do it right now. He decided to take a wish, take a chance and sail away. All right, let's bring it over here. Let's take a look at this. No, it's definitely the same handwriting. It's the same handwriting, all right. Very good.

All right, now, if you just answer this quick, Officer Watkins, please, for the love of fucking God, will you please get back on your fucking stool? This is a huge break in show protocol. We're all clear here, okay? All right, there you go, all clear, yep. Give me that for the cop. There you go. All clear. Yep. Give it up for the cop. There you go.

So I'm going to ask you the same exact question I've been asking you since you got up here. Are you ready for it? I'm ready. Why would you sign up as David Lynch? Why would you do that, huh? Why would you sign up? Why would you sign up as a different name, huh? All right.

The sirens. Jeremiah, he's not answering the question when you do that. You're freaking him out. So to move the show on, let's just take a question when you do that. You're freaking him out. So to move the show on, let's just take a break with that. This is a cool-ass show. Yes. So, Daniel, let me ask you a question. Why the fuck did you sign up as David Webb?

Why did you sign up? Why did you do that? What's going on here? Just answer the question. You got Ben Bailey. This is great for the podcast. You got officer number 3415 from the Chicago precinct coming at you. I've signed up so many times for this show.

And I love this thing that people keep bringing up, I noticed, the last few weeks. To where they think that, so let me ask you something. You've never gotten on the show before, right? And you were signing up as what? What was your name? Daniel what? Daniel Salomon. And you were convinced what?

That your name was unlucky or something like that? No. Yo, I have one of the luckiest names in Hollywood. Okay, wait, wait. This whole thing is so weird. I wonder how it got to be so weird. Did you put multiple names in the bucket? Come again with the what?

Did you put multiple names in the bucket? I have and never will. Is that true or why do you think? Well, we can look it for the handwriting. I'm not never will. Is that true? Or why do you think? Well, we can look for the handwriting. I'm not that guy. I'm not. You could search that bucket. Nothing Fugazi in that bucket.

So here you go. Why would you sign up as David Witch? I mean, all the handwriting really kind of looks the same. All right. Can you give me an answer? An honest answer to the question? You're going to beat this one on me. You weren't funny in the minute, so I don't know why you're trying to be now.

Oh. Oh. Boing, oing, oing why you're trying to be now. Oh. Oh. Boing, oing, oing, oing, oing, oing. I'll take that. Hey, hey. I'll take that. I'm just going to count that as self-defense. I'll take that.

Okay. All right. So why David Wish? I figured, oh, okay, we've seen this name already. What do you mean? What do you mean by that? I don't know. I'm just assuming.

He's saying the bucket is rigged. No, I'm not saying the bucket is rigged. What I'm saying is, what I'm saying is, okay, hey, hey, hey, I'm the one talking here. Oh, look at this. This is like... It's a WWE promo. Oh, look out. Hello. Hi.

Oh, my God. We got a guy who looks like Mike Tyson's aborted fetus. All right, we're ready to... Man, look how this is all turned against you. Possible suspect. You were paranoid that something was going on. Five foot nine African American. Could have a weapon on him.

We're uncertain at the time. We got a three foot two. All right. Well, I mean, so you thought what? That we try to get only new people up but you have never been pulled out of the bucket? We met William Montgomery who I know

has signed up every Monday for three months we found out tonight. Yeah, I know he's been signing up. And had he signed up as David Wish I would have asked him why the fuck if he came up and he goes, my name's really

William Montgomery, like I read it wrong or something. You know you did that. Man, you got me on front street right now, bro. No, I bet. It's weird. It's an awkward situation. You're the only guest who I've ever spent seven minutes asking the exact same question to over and over again. How do you feel about that?

Suspect is on foot, considered dangerous, and could be part of the Jamaican bobsled team. All right, Daniel. Well, it's just taken me so long to get anything out of you. You've gotten a lot out of me, right? No. Take a knee. No?

Or don't. I don't know. It's kind of a bummer, actually. Yeah, it really is. We had to do a handwriting analysis test. Yeah, that's a first. Well, you've gotten to know me better. Now you know my penmanship. No, I've gotten to know you more. I wouldn't say better. I think it's more for worse.

The more I find out, the more I don't like you. What are those O's? What are those O's? Springer? Tony, I just got the police sketch back from the station, and all it says is black guy on it.

All right. Very strange. Okie dokie. Guys, well. Hey, at least we got to know him better, though, right? Yeah, you have. Gotcha. You know, one of the main things with this show

that I always preach to the people that get pulled out of the bucket, especially during the interview part, is honesty. Because honest things always translate. You signed up in a disguised name and then corrected. Yes, Officer Watkins. Final question. How do you say Hyundai Elantra?

If you answer incorrectly, you will have to leave. Take your time. Hyundai Elantra. Get this guy off the stage. Alright. Next time, sign up is your real name, and hopefully we won't remember that any of this happened.

Hopefully. There he goes. David Wish. You get called what you sign up as on this show. You're David Wish forever. David Wish AOL at Twitter. I don't know what it was, but I don't like that guy. He's back. What?

All right. Wow. Everything is... There is no jaywalking on the stage. Okay. I believe we've met this person before. Make some noise for Jessica Lee, everyone. Jessica Lee?

Jessica Lee. There she comes from the farthest part of the room. You guys having fun out there, huh? It's chaos. Anything can happen. This is one of the least produced shows in the history of all shows.

One more time for Jessica Lee. Hey, what's happening? So I lost 180 pounds recently. Thank you. I'm kind of sad about it, though. He was really fine as fuck. He had to go though. He wasn't eating a pussy. Where's that chic guy at? No, but he did try to impress me one time. We went to my favorite takeout place and he reached in and he said, girl, pick out whatever you like I got you and I was like oh

that's so sweet he said just as long as it's not from the hot food section you know we got that EBT struggle love you know I've been called white trash before um I'm not really comfortable with that term though white trash um I've uh I've been looking for alternatives I've decided on white compost yeah it's still trash but it's just nutrient dense I got a lot to give guys I got a lot to give

alright we're gonna do that fuck yeah Jessica Lee this is your first time on the show right it is my first time on the show I'm so fucking excited yeah Jessica Lee, this is your first time on the show, right? It is my first time on the show. I'm so fucking excited. Yeah?

I'm glad I didn't go right after William Montgomery. Right. Right? What's your real name? It's Jessica, J-E-S-I-K-A. K-A, is that real? It is real. My mother named me that.

People oftentimes think that I've changed my name, spell it like that, because I want to be black. But in fact, my mother really did name me that. I think she knew. Was Jessica already taken? Because she wanted to be black? No, I think she knew I would want to be. No, but I'm just kidding. No. Is your mom sort of a hippie? She is. Yeah.

Yeah. What does she do? She has done everything under the rainbow, but most recently she was in the Navy. That includes William Montgomery. Has she done yoga? No, but she used to date... I believe when you do everything under the rainbow, that's called pansexual.

I learned that tonight. Jessica, why do you dress like a six-year-old girl that was allowed to wear whatever she wanted for the day? This guy over here told me I look like I had princess curtains on. I do have princess curtains.

I don't know. I'm from Brooklyn. We just do things differently there. I'd be princess curtains. Wow. I don't know. Princess curtains. I'm from Brooklyn. We just do things differently there. I'd be cute there. The guy said that you have princess curtains? That I was wearing. You showed that guy your pussy?

Whatever it takes, honey. You got princess curtains. No, I just sat in glitter earlier on accident. Hell yeah. I love your Lord of the Rings bag, too. You love it? No, I'm still talking about your pussy, not that. Yeah.

So how long have you been doing stand-up, Jessica? Just under six months. Just under six months. I actually did my first set on April Fool's Day. What? Officer Watkins, what are you laughing at? I just imagined that she calls her butthole Mordor and everybody's trying to get to it, put the ring into it.

I just had this thought. I wasn't going to say it out loud, but you came to me, and these are just some thoughts. Because I called your pussy a Lord of the Rings bag. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Whatever. Just as long as you call my pussy.

Wait, say that again? Wait, what? What's wrong with it? No, nothing's wrong with it. You're like, as long as you call it a pussy, do people mistake it for something else a lot of times? Extended labia? Oh, no, just call it. Oh, my God. Look at that wet napkin down there. Oh, it's gross. Oh, what is that thing? I am a squirter.

You are? Is that true? It is true. Wow. So when you have an extreme orgasm, you pee everywhere. Kind of. Sometimes. Maybe there's a little urine mixed in. It better not be public urination. We're not getting into a squirting debate right now.

Do you like anal? No, I don't. Tony. I don't understand this fetish with booty holes these days. I want an old-fashioned man. Can we go back to eating the pussy, guys, please? What is up with the booty holes? I don't get it.

What have guys been trying to do to your booty hole lately? Everybody wants to eat the booty now. Am I correct? Wow. Maybe that's just your booty. I mean, it's a good booty. I don't know if that's how it really works. Maybe you just have a scary-looking pussy

and you'd rather eat your ass. Maybe those princess curtains are a little... I'm like that West Hollywood bear, bitch. I met a girl who was a squirter once and she shot lemon-lime soda into my mouth. What? Fago. Wow.

Fago. I squirt Fgo, bitches. So, Jessica, that's fun. You have a boyfriend? No. The guy I was seeing go. He was... You let him go?

What are you, one of the police officers? Are you a contractor? Was his time up? He was a homosexual. You let him go? What was he, your starting pitcher? No. He was a hobosexual. You let him go? What was he, your starting pitcher? No. He was a homosexual? If you're going to be a hobosexual...

A hobosexual? A hobosexual. I don't have a cold. I said hobo. Wow. If you're going to be that, make yourself useful. Either be really good at sex

or do the fucking dishes. Like something. You can't be lazy. I know. I know. Looking like this and I have high expectations. What am I going to do? Fuck me good or do the dishes.

I'm going to go do the dishes. I know what that was. Wash my dishes in my squirt. You're a purple lip. There's enough, believe me. Fuck me good or wash the dishes. Either way, wear a rubber.

You could put me on tap at a fucking Mexican 7-Eleven. Is that really true? That's true. It's so true. What happens? If a guy fucks you, a bunch of liquid flows out? Really? I mean, projectile, oftentimes.

Wow. Is it, like, the kind of projectile, like, when it's still happening? Or is it, like, the type of, like, pull out real fast, like, that you see on corners? No, it's happening. It's just everywhere, no matter what. It's like a sprinkler system. Yes. You're, like, fucking. It's like a sprinkler system. Yes. You're like fucking an open end of a fire hydrant.

Do you put pee pads down on your bed before you have sex? No, I've gotten to... Like the dog you are? Oh, my God. You actually got a laugh there until the end, Brian. You really... I was doing a shark tank thing. Oh.

The puppy pads are not, you know, not big enough. Like a tarp. Wow. The puppy pads are not, you know, not big enough. Like a tarp. Wow. And you keep wondering why people call you white trash. It's puzzling. Where are you from, Jessica? I grew up in South Florida, but I lived in Brooklyn for a long time. And you're from South Florida?

My God. I know. I know. It's all starting to make sense now. I'm a cracker ass cracker. What's your tattoo on your wrist right there? For people that have tattoos, Friday the 13th is like

the little holidays. This is my little Friday the 13th tattoo. It's L.A. Oh yeah, all the famous holidays. Because nothing turns a guy on like cold murder. It's my lucky number. What can I say? What do you do for a living? I do catering.

I bartend private events. I do lots of shit. I also moonlight as an Airbnb maid. Oh. I'm a single mom, so I like to make as much money as I can.

Gotta give it up for the single moms. Hell yeah, we love single moms. And for the kids. Give it up for the kids. We love single moms. And while we're at it, give it up for the troops. Yes. Gotta give it up for the troops.

No way around it. How old's your kid? No way around it. My son's 16. Your son is 16. What the fuck? Holy shit. What'd you have him when you were four?

No, I'm an old bitch. Really? Yeah, I am. You don't seem like it at all. I didn't have him as a teenager. You have such a young spirit. Well, thank you. I appreciate that.

You know, I'm trying to figure out what my comedy age is. I'm trying to decide if I'm going to be honest about my age. Of course. Of age. Of course. Why would you lie about your age? I'm 41. Wow. Looks like your squirts have found a youth. Gotta give it up.

The only old bag on this stage is the one wrapped around you for some reason. Look at that canteen from the Wild West. Does it count as a fanny pack? No, no, it doesn't. You have a lot of keys. You definitely are an Airbnb maid.

Oh, I know, I know. It's incredible. So what do you like to do for fun, Jessica? What do I like to do for fun? I am an avid hiker. I like to camp. I'm a national parks nerd. Hell yeah. No. I can tell. You have

an old faithful right between your legs. What's your favorite national park? I am going to say Sequoia. Alright. I like those big hardwood trees. Well, half the precinct is pitching a tent right now. Hey! Who's pitching a tent right now. Hey.

Who's pitching a tent? The other guy. What's your second favorite national park? I love Officer Watkins is trying to follow up on these questions. Make sure you're telling the truth here. You know, I like... You've never been to a national park, have you? No, I have.

Okay. Yeah, all right, sure. All right, Jessica. Well, is your 16-year-old a boy or a girl? He's a boy. His name's Lucas. I'm really proud of him. He is wanting to be an architect.

So this summer he got a scholarship to go to Yale to study architecture. Wow, scholarship at 16? architect. So this summer he got a scholarship to go to Yale to study architecture. Wow. Scholarship at 16. Officer Watkins. I don't know how to tell you this, but he's a squirter too. I don't want to know nothing. What are you teaching him? How to build fountains? Mom, you're embarrassing me.

Stop squirting all over the house. Oh, God. You asked for a super soaker. So he got a scholarship for Yale. He did. That's good because Lord knows you can't pay for it, right? No, I can. It's funny to make jokes about poor people in this economy, right?

I cannot. But, you know, he's giving back. He just went to work with Habitat for Humanity. Oh, that's cool. So he's building houses? Yeah, he's building houses. Did they send him somewhere wild? Yeah, he was in Watts this weekend.

Watts? Yeah. Oh, my God. How many Watts? He is like fucking 200 Watts, that kid. He is. Can I ask you something about him? Is he real? He is like fucking 200 watts, that kid. He is. Can I ask you something about him? Is he real?

He is real. You can find him on my Instagram at Jessica Lee underscore comedy. Yeah. Yeah, I have a bunch of adults following your little kid on Instagram. I mean, he's not a little kid. He's 16. Your mom's a squirter, dude. Seems like a great idea.

This episode brought to you by Squirt. All right, Jessica. Well, it was nice to meet you. Thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Oh, yeah. Fun interview. There she goes, Jessica Lee.

You guys want to do one more? All right. Let's do one more? Alright. Let's do one more. One last one. She's the first one who touched me as she was leaving. Oh, she touched you? Squirt all over you, man.

I don't think so. Alright, I believe this person's been on this show before. Let's all find out together. Put your hands together for Andrew Rose. Andrew Rose. Here he comes. Walking on stage. It's your last comedian of the night.

Put your hands together for Andrew Rose, everyone. How are you doing, everybody? Awesome. So, yeah, great. I had open-heart surgery when I was 16. Yeah, I wanted a Prius, but fuck, what are you gonna do? The reason I had the surgery is because I have a heart condition called hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.

It's an enlargement in part of the heart, sadly. It's the only enlarged organ I was given. Also a joke. Hashtag medium. So, when you go in for the surgery, they make you take a medical questionnaire to make sure you're not going to be allergic to anything, right? First question that she asked me was, are you allergic to anything? And I was like, kryptonite. And she goes, how do you spell that? J-O-K-E.

It's early. I'm going to let that one slide. The next question was, do you have any religious preferences? I was like, well, I prefer Christians But if all you have is Jews, take what I can get Can't be picky right now Last question was Are you allergic to latex?

And I said, no, but don't tell my girlfriend Okay, Andrew Rose Have you been on this show before? Okay, Andrew Rose. Have you been on this show before? I have once, two or three months ago. Two or three months ago. It was whenever Natasha and Moshe were here. Okay, that was fun for you?

I had a blast, yeah. Did we, in that interview part, did we give you some advice to start wearing a little tiny miniature backpack on stage? No. No, you didn't. It was mine. I felt like I needed a parachute. What do you keep in that,

bad boy? I would almost say that that sort of qualifies almost in this world as sort of a fanny pack in the way I label things, like a backpack on strings. Honestly, it's just my fucking just random shit. Why don't we find out the truth? Let's play What's in That Fanny Pack?

A Kill Tony favorite game. Alright, you're gonna give it to us? the truth? Let's play What's in That Fanny Pack. A Kill Tony favorite game. Alright, you're gonna give it to us? I can 100% tell you what's in there. There's a pair of sunglasses and a shit ton of bracelets. Brendan, proceed with caution. There could be a bomb in there. Brendan's going in. He's gonna pull something out. He's gonna poke us in here.

Is there a rabbit in there? No. Wow, there's a bracelet. What does that say? That's a cock ring. Certified Rosebud for a Rose comedy. What is this, for like a dead kid or some shit? Yeah. Fuck that. What's that?

It's just my bracelets that I have. My personal bracelets. Oh, that's your merch? Yeah. Oh, it's for you. A Rosebud comedy. A Rose comedy. There's 900. Wow.

There's a ton of bracelets. Tons of them. You want me to throw them out in the crowd? No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I got 1,200 of them for free. Fucking go for it. A deck of cards? Do you know some magic tricks? I do. Really? Is that for magic? You want me to do something? Hell yeah.

Absolutely do a fucking magic trick. It's really all just bracelets. Oh, our first ever magic trick on the show. We got magical lighting for Andrew Rose. No magic music, it seems, but it's a shame we don't have somebody that plays music on this show. Yes, everyone knows Heartlight by Neil Diamond is pure magic music. This makes total sense. It's because he had heart surgery. Oh, yes, out of all the songs with heart in it.

No, it's from E.T. Okay. All right, yeah. Can we take it out, right? Yeah, 100%. All right, I got it. Wow. For the audio listeners.

He is taking a card out, Ben Bailey. He's taking a card. I see what it is. Officer Walken sees what it is. The audience, Brendan, Red Band, all saw what it is. We all saw it. I didn't know Theo Vaughn did magic. Okay.

Ben is putting the card on top. Is this your card, bro? Yep, yep. Still on top for sure. I believe him. That seemed like a clean shuffle. We're watching him shuffle the deck. This is my favorite magic podcast.

No, it's not on bottom. No, it's not on top. This is the crazy part. On the count of three, everybody say jump. On the count of three. Jump! Whoa! Holy shit, that's it.

That's it. Wow. I'm sure you podcast listeners know that when you heard Neil Diamond's part come in, that the magic trick worked. How the hell did you do that? You cannot lie to a cop. That was the goddamn six of spades. Came right out of that. Wow. Holy shit.

Wow. Look at that. What are these extra cards that you put on the table here? Let's see if you can get these cuffs off you. So here's a... I actually have a really good note for your stand-up comedy.

Do magic. It's just better. Once you're good at it, it's better. It takes too long to get really good at this. How long have you been doing stand-up for? Six years. Six years. Where at?

Started in Oklahoma. Started in Oklahoma. Dude, go to Jersey. I've heard. How long have you been in Los Angeles? Actually, last Monday was one year. Wow, congratulations. There you go.

So other than magic and stand-up, what else are you into? You seem like you're a man of many, you know. Bracelets. Yeah. I do a lot of stuff. I play guitar. I write songs. You drum at all? No, I do not. I do a lot of stuff I play guitar I write songs You drum at all?

No I do not Oh too bad You fucking idiot Alright Well Andrew this was a quick one Because we are at the end of the show. So it was nice to meet you. Thanks for your magic.

Thanks for your set. There goes Andrew Rose. And this was this week's episode of Kill Tony. So much fun. Make some noise for Brendan Walsh, everybody. He's in Chicago on Saturday at the North Theater. Is that right? North Bar.

North Bar. And then October 27th, he's at the Good Good Comedy Theater in Philly, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. How about you make some noise for Ben Bailey, everybody? Come on. This Friday, he's headlining the improv on Melrose. The 19th of October, he's at

Bay City, Michigan at the State Theater. November 29th, St. Louis Funny Bone. And January 11th through the 13th at the La Jolla Comedy Store. Check out this amazing drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt, everyone. All these prints are available at ryanjebelt.com, including some of the famous Kill Tony posters and things like that.

Jeremiah Watkins and Pat Reagan have a brand new music video out. Reagan and Watkins. My boy, Jeremiah. My name is Jeremiah. My name is Jeremiah. My name is Jeremiah. A little straight edge rap from the new, you can catch it on the YouTube page. Just go to any of his or anyone's social media.

Go to YouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins or just go to Reagan and Watkins.com. Yeah, why not do that? Reagan is spelled R-E-G-A-N-A-N-D-W-A-T-K-I-N-S. Yeah. How about one more time for Jeremiah Watkins, everybody? The legend. How about one more time for the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, huh? Joel Berg's on all social media sites at Mostly Sorry.

Anything else, Joel? Yeah, I just want to say we love Michigan. Thank you to Nicholas, Joe, Mason for hooking me up with drum sets. And shout out to fucking Founders Brewing, man. Luke Sass. He took care of us out there. You're damn right he did. So much fun at Founders Brewing Company.

We were at the ninth largest brewing company in the United States right there in Grand Rapids, Michigan. We had a great lunch, great time, great shows. Officer Watkins? Also, Jay Larson is on Jeremiah Wonders this week if you're a Crab Feast fan. So check that out as well. All right. Anything else from you guys? I should say that there's new episodes of Cash Cab On.

Yeah. Truly one of my favorite shows ever. Every time I see you, I am literally holding back the entire time wanting to talk about how much I love that show.

It's a great show. I appreciate it. This is a great show, too. This was fun as hell, man. Thank you. Has there been a porn version called Smash Cab? Like Bang Bus? Well, my mom just heard the Cash Cab

announcement and she just squirted. Don't forget that Robinhood is an amazing app. You get a free stock. Go to the KTShow.Robinhood.com right now. Get free stock. How crazy is that? That's crazy. Who knows?

Get that Apple stock. And get some anti-aging cream from ForHims.com. Go to ForHims.com slash TonySC. And get the Kill Tony shirt out in the lobby. Yeah. Absolutely. And don't forget, episodes 299 and 300 of this show, Kill Tony, are happening live in San Francisco on October 12th. That's a really,

really, really big night for us. A lot of the crew here is going up there. I feel like a lot of the main comedians from here are going to go up there. There's always an amazing, we've always had amazing, amazing sold-out shows in San Francisco. It's sort of like, I don't know what it's comparable to. It's like our Texas.

I guess something like that, but I don't know. Home away from home. What band has a connection with a city or something like that? It's like that. Boston? Oh, Jesus. Yes, it's like Boston. Like when Boston plays in Boston. Yeah, yeah, it's like Boston. Like when Boston plays in

Boston. Yeah, that's exactly it. That's crazy. There you go. I'll be in Chicago this Saturday. Get tickets. That's right. That's right. I'm going to Toronto tomorrow morning. I have five solo stand-up shows. Two or three of them are already sold out.

Kill Tony's sold out. It's going to be a lot of fun. So thank you live audience for being here tonight. We love you. See you guys. Have a great night. Thank you.