KILL TONY - KILL TONY #297

Episode Date: October 4, 2018

Matt Braunger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban, Jeremiah Watkins - Date: 09/28/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes of Kill Tony. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us

live. Not only do we do the comedy store every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we are going on the road. We're going to be in San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania. That's October 12th. It's two shows. It's going to be two separate shows. And it's going to be our 300th episode.

So check out Kill Tony Mania at Cobb's Comedy Company Also, we're going to be in Swansea, Massachusetts San Antonio, Texas Austin, Texas Houston, Texas Fort Worth, Texas And a bunch of new dates are always being added So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates

Also, check out RyanJEbelt.com That's the house artist he draws out ryanjebelt.com. That's the house artist. He draws every episode, ryanjebelt.com. Tony has his own website, tonyhingecliff.com. Go to Tony's website for everything Golden Pony, tonyhingecliff.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. That's where you can get the official Kill Tony shirt. We also have some new Death Squad shirts and a new Death Squad hat. Go to shopsquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Just for Last 42 in Toronto

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Toronto, make some fucking noise. We're back. The great Brian Red Band is here, ladies and gentlemen. And like that, smooth as it gets, we are back in Toronto, one of the first places we ever took this show on the road. How many of you were at the show like four years ago when we came here?

Only a few. Wow. Look at all this new blood. I'm excited about tonight. It's going to be an absolute blast. How many of you are excited to see some local Torontonians go on stage? How many of you are hoping that the comedians pulled out of the bucket do good tonight? How many of you are hoping to see some people fail here tonight? Wow.

Perhaps one of the most hateful audiences we've ever had. This is very exciting. These people want blood. Yes. Thanks to everyone at very lovely JFL 42 for having us. It's a ballsy show to have at a festival with real sponsors and things like that. So, you know, we have real sponsors too, though. Shout out to ForHims.com, ZipRecruiter, Squirt, Sprite, all the good things.

We'd like to introduce Flo into the mix, everybody. For those of you that love a delicious Flo out of a box. After a good squirt, I like some flow. Wow, there you go. There's some low-hanging fruit right from the get. I enjoy delicious flow only once a month. Jesus. Out of that sweet, sweet box.

All right. Chaos is ensuing, ladies and gentlemen. The show has barely begun. Some of you may have heard the announcement about six or seven weeks ago that Joe Rogan was going to be the guest tonight. And some of you hopefully heard the announcement three and four weeks ago

that Joe Rogan wasn't going to be here tonight. If any of you are only here because you thought Rogan wasn't going to be here tonight. If any of you are only here because you thought Joe Rogan was going to be here and you wanted to stare at his head the entire time, I implore you to leave because there's probably a hundred people that want to be sitting in the seat that you're sitting in. So now's the

time to go. It's to make room for real diehard fans if you guys were just going to be Rogan stalkers. How many of you are here to see Kill Tony, though? All right. There we go. Perfect. Fine.

Well, the table is set to bring out our guest. He is one of our favorite guests in the history of Kill Tony. Just a complete awesome, awesome coincidence that he just so happened to be at this festival when we were. If you've listened to the show, you've heard him on the show four or five times. Truly, one of the funniest human beings, one of my favorite comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great Matt Bronger.

Here we go. A guy that gets it. Funny. He listens. He pays attention. He tries to help people. That was a big intro. Thank you. I appreciate that.

No, we love you here on Kill Tony. How are you guys? Good to see you. I've been having a great time in your town, man. I got here Monday. This place is fantastic. I love it. Oh, these are open.

They opened every bottle of Flo because they assumed that we were going to drink these. I came out early and opened up the bottles of Flo. What a classic Canadian blunder that is. Oh, they're definitely going to drink all of them. I just said that was me. I opened them all.

They're going to drink all these boxes of water. I thought I'd crumble some sweet edibles in all of them. Open them up now so they don't have to go through the terrible struggle of twisting a cap. Who knows? Might be too much. They have jokes they need to get to. Now the whole fucking table is soaked. Beautiful.

I have to lug this tablecloth back down. You want the water right near the wires. Yeah, it's perfect. Who cares if we burn the place down? Make some noise for the Royal Theater, everybody. I have to lug this tablecloth back to... Well, you want the water right near the wires. Yeah, it's perfect, you know. Who cares if we burn the place down? Make some noise for the Royal Theater, everybody. This is great, yeah. And to all you comics who put your names in the bucket,

who are losing your minds right now, because he said, is there anyone looking for someone to fail and the place exploded? I mean, I was backstage. I'll be honest, I was laughing. But just like Romans hungering to watch some lions eat some sweet, sweet Christian flesh.

Just take it easy. It's okay. It's okay. It's not okay. He's lying to you. No, it's going to be great. Another part of this show, which as you as listeners know and love, is that this show has its very own band.

That's what's up. And, you know, we were not, unfortunately unfortunately we were not able to bring the entire band out with us I don't think half of them are allowed to come here right? but we were able to bring what one would call perhaps the meat and potatoes of the band not the

fajita and burrito or the silent skillet but the meat and potatoes. You know him. You love him. He is, without a doubt, the leader of the best damn band in the land. He is the one and the only. Oh, yeah, I should set it up.

For those of you that perhaps don't know, every episode they play a different character and they commit to that character throughout the episode. They do indeed. You never know what's going to happen. We did some shows in Michigan last week. There were billionaires. They were the Mario Brothers. They were, what else?

Nerds. It was chaos. You never know what he's going to do. He's literally one of the funniest human beings on the planet. You know him from Roast Battle and Kill Tony. Make some noise for the leader of the best damn band in the land. It's Jeremiah Watkins. Here he is, folks. The Kill Tony Band.

What is happening? We're at the Olive Garden. Whoa! Oh, whoa. It's an Italian gangster, it appears. Perhaps a mafia member or something like that. Wow. Look at this guy.

Wow. That is very impressive. Are you a gangster? This is pretty scary. You know it, Tony. I've never seen Jeremiah smoke anything before. Last time I watched somebody not inhale that much, it was Elon Musk on Rogan's podcast. Okay.

This is very exciting He really tried I mean, Mavioso guy, how do you feel about being up here in Canada? Do you live here in Canada or are you just visiting? What's going on? Yeah, my name's Vinny Mancino I've been traveling abroad for a while Keep that on the DL There you go

Alright, well I'm pretty excited about this. Somebody want to grab the bucket from the front there? Want to do this, huh? Hey, look at this. The Toronto Bucket of Destiny has arrived. Here it is.

Look at all the fingerprints on that bad motherfucker. Dead goldfish somewhere. Look at all these names. That's incredible. We have people in a holding tank, I believe, on the sidewalk standing in the rain. Some people in here signed up.

No, it's true. So many people wanted to sign up that I do believe there's some just standing outside in the rain hoping to get the report that their name has been called. So maybe we'll get a wet person up here at some point.

That'd be pretty exciting. If your name gets called, make sure you enter from that side over there. We've all seen this stairway over here, but if you can, enter from that stairway over there. And if one of the wet people come running in, try to guide them over there as well. If you're too wet and high,

I will try to lift you if you run here, but please try to be open. And then exit from the left on this side. Oh, is that what they said? Exit that way? Wow, even I'm confused about all this. A lot of rules. It's going to be a lot of chaos here tonight.

We opened up the water bottles. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you know how it works. You get an uninterrupted 60 seconds, ladies and gentlemen. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

There you go. There it is. You guys ready to start this thing or what? It's Kill Tony live from Toronto. And to the bucket, your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds here tonight. Ooh, it looks like you might be a fan of this guy. Make some noise for J.P. Scarpelli. It's a solid name.

Here we go. And it has begun. Solid name. Absolute chaos here in this beautiful giant theater, the Royal Theater. Here comes J.P. Now he's coming from the Royal Theater. Here comes JP. Now he's coming from those back doors. I see him. This is a guy that's waiting his dues.

All right, here we are. Make some noise one more time for JP Scarpelli. One more time, folks. Woo! All right, sick. Sick, okay. I keep hearing this saying, you are the result of the five people you hang out with the most,

which I hope isn't true, because that would make me a cheesy bread and a water bottle bong. Hope that's not true. I'm tired of hearing love songs on the radio all the time, and I still listen to the radio because, like, I'm an idiot. But, like, every time Justin Bieber sings about love, hit radio song. Every time Drake sings about love, hit radio song. Every time I sing about love, I radio song. Every time I sing about love, I get kicked out of Burrito Boys. The fuck? There should be more songs about Burrito Boys.

When I was in high school, my teacher made us read the Diary of Anne Frank, and she said that she was the most influential writer of the 20th century, which I kind of think she's a one-hit wonder. You know? She could do the non-fiction, could she do the fiction? We'll never know. You know? And the fiction's like the hardest part most of the time, right? You know?

Uh, you know? There you go, J.P. Scarpelli. Alright? Alright? What's up, man? How you doing? I'm doing okay. I'm a little nervous. I just fucking ran down here. You're a little nervous?

You just ran down here? Yeah. Hell yeah. Were you in the lobby or were you outside? Actually, I was over there on the side. Oh, you were in the back of the room. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Took you a while to get up here. What were you doing back there? Just watching. Just watching. Watching what? Very good. You should be nervous My family hates your family

Well but why It's the same family You got beef with the Scarpelli's You know it Tony Wow What do you mean my family His father took a dump in my father's lunchbox I'm gonna guess

That the JP in Scarpelli stands for Joseph Peter. Am I correct? John Paul. John Paul. Jesus Christ. Boy, is that Christian. That's crazy because I've seen popes give funnier speeches than your 60 seconds. Horse of Truth has been activated.

JP, how long have you been doing stand-up? I haven't done this. It's my first time doing it in over a year. Wow, you took an over a year break. Why is that? Because it always went like that? Mostly at open mics. That's how it went. Yeah. How many open mics

have you done? What made you take a one-year break? Well, it's tiring. I live in the suburbs, so coming down to the city. What suburb do you live in? What suburb? Vaughan. I'm from Vaughan, Ontario. Anyone? I don't even think anybody's ever heard of it. What is that a suburb?

Hey, come on. Hey, you want me to whack this guy right now or what? Don't do it. Don't do it. With a saxophone? There's a silencer inside, you idiot. All right. Fair enough.

JP, what do you do for a enough JP what do you do for a living What do you do for work Right now I'm a painter A painter Wow another art form that you get a silent reaction from It's walls so I don't have to draw Oh okay So you're painting like the outside of places Like houses and buildings

Houses and buildings offices offices, baseboards. Man. You ever paint over blood? Sometimes. You ever paint some walls with some brains? No, I can't say I have yet. All right. Maybe that next.

I was doing your character for a second. Yeah, let me do that. Fair enough. Fair enough. JP, so me do that. Fair enough. Fair enough. JP, so when you're not painting, we know you're not doing stand-up. What else do you do? What do you do for fun?

What does a guy like JP Scarpelli? I like to gamble. Really? What do you like to gamble on? Poker, craps. Wow. When you say craps, are you talking about the jokes

that you told tonight? Crapped out. Talk about that more Like when you come out Everything you were talking about Is the biggest lesson in comedy That I learned when I was younger Just talk about what you like You came out talking about

Oh this is something people might enjoy That's bogus Talk about the shit you like Talk about gambling Word yeah oh, this is something people might enjoy kind of thing. Like, that's bogus and bullshit. Talk about the shit you like. Talk about gambling. Word, yeah. Yeah. And don't say word like that ever again.

I don't know. I'm fine with that. Word. JP, so, I mean, that's interesting. Have you lost a lot of money gambling? I think I'd say it's about $5,000, 5 to 10. Wow, that's going up. Talk Yeah, I talk about losing five grand yeah, how much so what I do is I play poker stars a lot and Like every 24 hours lets you redo it and then when I go to my bank statement

I'll see like 125 125 125 for the month my oh fuck. I should maybe stop doing this right now Yeah 125 for the month. I'm like, oh, fuck. I should maybe stop doing this right now. Man. Yeah. But you know what? I win sometimes, so it makes me feel good. You should stop doing this. That sounds like every loser I've ever talked to. JP, what's something that you're good at? Do you have any special skills or talents?

Fuck. That would be a hard no. Really? You have nothing that you're good at? You ain't got nothing. Nothing at all? JP, stick with me over here. That's not a real guy.

That's a ghost. Jesus fucking Christ. That's a dream. I want to look at him. You're right. That's my uncle. I take that personally. Come on.

What's the thing that you think that you're the best at out of everything that you do? So we know it's not gambling because you're a loser. We're all positive it's not stand-up comedy. So what's up there? You a good... Fortnite? This is a good question. I'm all right at...

I'm good at FIFA, but like... Come on, man. Think of your own answer. This guy's dying for us to help him. I want to see him fucking sweat. Tell me what you're best at out of everything. If this place was filled with beautiful women and you had one chance to impress everybody,

what would you do? Wow, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God, sir. You're not allowed to yell things out. No, sir. You're not allowed to yell things out No, sir You are not allowed to yell things out I can specifically tell by the tone As funny as that might have been I can specifically tell by the tone in your voice

That you did not have the balls to sign up here tonight Yeah, for real And if you didn't sign up, you're not allowed to say shit Nah, you didn't put your nuts on the stove like this guy did. So do you drag your teeth? Hold on. Let him answer the question, JP. You know, this is a good question, and I feel like I should be able to answer that,

but kind of saying a funny thing in person, I'm a lot funnier than you just witnessed, but being funny is probably my number one thing. Oh, fuck. It just needs development, man, I think. JP, let's talk about this for a second. I don't... Mr. Menzino is walking it

off right now. He can't even believe it. He's walking it off. I mean, you know, I mean, there must be... JP, there's gotta be something. Have you ever tried sucking dick? No. Brian, really? Really? You're gonna do a

second version of what the heckler yelled? Maybe he's good at it. Maybe he's the best. Wow! Hmm. Honestly, I, uh... JP, you're gonna make me physically cry Right now there must be something I'm gonna need a lot more therapy for you to get this Out of me do you go to a therapist

No are you are you good At painting or is it just like a job you do I'm pretty good okay Confidence and say that you like painting Yeah If you're a good painter you got a kid I'm pretty good. I can cook pretty well. Okay, then why don't you get some confidence and say that you like painting? If you're a good painter, you got it, kid. We're going to keep moving along.

Thanks, Uncle Tony. JP, we're going to move along. There he goes. JP Scarpelli, everybody. Give him a hand. Getting the party started tonight. There you go. This way, JP. This way.

This way. There you go. There's the don't kill yourself fist bump. He sadly didn't get mine. We've only seen that once before. That is the second ever don't kill yourself fist bump in Kill Tony history. He got two out of three, so it's up in the air. Oh, my goodness.

One more time for J.P. Scarpelli, everyone. One more time, guys. All right. It's a one-word name. Two exclamation points. Make some noise for Pete. Here he comes. Where is he?

Pete. Is that Pete or Pets? It's Pete. Pets? Is it Pets? I think it's Pete. Okay, I think it's Pete. Pets? Is it pets? I think it's Pete. Okay, I think it's Pete. Here he comes.

Make some noise one more time for Pete. Pete, everybody. All right, so yeah, my name's Pete. I'm probably the only guy you'll ever meet who's both played guitar in the church and DJed a strip club. It's true. And you might think they're actually wildly different,

but they're not. A lot of single mothers actually go to church. And because of that, you get a lot of creepy older dudes who are trying to take them home, treat them good, you know, according to the Bible. And the guy who's running the place,

probably a pedophile. So that's... Yeah. So there's two things, actually, that are pissing me off lately and that's the amount of gun violence in this city for real and and sister porn it's true sister porn I mean like what the fuck's up with that why is that a trend lately I don't even have a sister, and I gotta turn down the volume. I'm like, why? Yeah.

Anyways. Fuck yeah. I give him a hand. Pete? Yeah, yeah. All right, Pete. Let's just jump right into it. Let's do it.

Let's go. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. First time ever on stage. I mean, for the first time, that was pretty solid. First time ever. J.P. Scarpelli, please don't kill yourself. Please, J.P.

J.P.'s done it a few times. Take your uncle's gun. He took a one-year vacation, came back, and still could not match Pete's first time ever on stage. Pete with two exclamation points. Yes, sir. Why two exclamation points? Because it's better than one.

I don't know. Because it's Pete. That's what I call good logic right there. Okay. So this is cool. Pete, how old are I call good logic right there. Okay. So this is cool. Pete, how old are you? I'm 31. 31 years old, starting stand-up for the first time.

What made you want to try it out? A couple months ago, my cousin who's visiting from BC, he's here. He told me about your podcast. I've been listening to it at work like one a day, and I was like, you know what? I'm going to do this shit. So here I am. Fuck yeah, man. Look at work like one a day. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to do this shit. Fuck yeah, man. Look at that.

I love it. What do you do for work? I'm a welder fitter. A welder fitter. Yes, sir. Yeah. That sounds like somebody that would watch sister porn. Let's talk about this sister porn.

No, listen. Welder fitter porn is a whole different thing. And I think that's what he means he does. So what is sister porn. No, listen, welder fitter porn is a whole different thing. And I think that's what he means he does. So what is sister porn to you? Are we talking about like, what is that? To me, I mean, it's not to me. It's just a thing, right? I've been learning

about a lot of new types of porn lately. Even you know about it. Is this popular in Canada right now? Why'd you say this is blowing up? It's like a fucking thing on Pornhub and whatnot. You mean incest. It's like Sister Fucks Brother or whatever is the title. I'm just scrolling by

and I'm like, what the fuck is going on? You're talking about Step Sister. It's still fucked up. That's what it is. It's not fucked up. You can fuck your Step Sister. Look, if you grew up with her, it's the same fucking thing. You should see my Step Sister. She's pretty hot. I would put a finger in her.

Oh, my God. Like I said. Oh, my God. Oh, my. Red Band. I love the cheers. That's basically, Red Band making a joke like that is like Leonard Skinner playing Freebird. Yeah.

It's what the crowd came to see from it's a match in the air so let's just jump back into it pete uh first of all i think it is the most adorable thing that you think canada has uh gun violence i mean yo this you know how safe i feel right now yeah that might be one of the funniest jokes I've heard in Kill Tony history. That's pretty much. A couple things that bother me about Canada. Gun violence and sister porn. What the fuck are you talking about?

Because Ron got shot out in the woods. You know Ron. We all know Ron. It literally got a laugh. Ron's a moose. Straight out of Ottawa. But it worked, Pete. What can I say? The shit worked.

You had the poise of someone that's been doing it a long time. I will say, one of the biggest fallbacks of first-time comics is going like, this is something that fucks with me. What the fuck is that? That's not a joke, but that was your passion. That's something

to definitely harness. Didn't he just came up like, didn't he just stand up there like he'd been doing it? He really did. For a while. Very, very natural. So I will give you that, man. That means a lot, man.

I think it's because, like the Galen Flash dance, you've been a welder. You know, it's crazy that it's your first time on stage and you already have the nose of Jeremiah Watkins. Yes, sir. There's that as well. Horse of truth. So, Pete, you ever have any accidents on the job?

It's a family nose, okay? Pete, you ever have any accidents on the job site or anything like that? Welding and fitting? Yeah, but I got some metal in my eye a while ago. It's not a big deal. You have metal in your eye and it's not a big deal? I put metal in a lot of people's eyes. But they're not around anymore.

No, what happens is when you're grinding a weld, sometimes the metal flies out and it got me in the eye. And they actually got to take like a grinder to your eye to take it out. So it is a little weird. Oh, fucking shit, Pete. Jesus Christ. That's why stand-up comedy is nothing to you. You've taken shards of metal to your cornea.

Actually, like, yeah. Pete, simply because the last guy couldn't answer this question, I want to ask you. What's something that you think that you're good at? I play guitar right now. Yeah. Look at that. You have a girlfriend? No, sir.

When's the last time you had a girlfriend or boyfriend or anything, whatever you're into? Two years ago. Sister or anything like that? Two years ago. Yeah. Come on. Do you have a sister? No, I don't.

That was part of the joke, man. Yeah. Yeah, Redman. Do you have a sister? No, I don't. That was part of the joke, man. Yeah. Yeah, red man. Everybody always jumps on me when I don't remember what these people talk about. So, wow. So, I mean, do you go on dates a lot? Yeah, here and there, yeah.

I mean, yeah. I work a lot, so yeah. Yeah. Like the last date you went on, what was that about? Where did you find that person at? A friend hooked me up with her, and we went for dinner. It wasn't anything real. Yeah, where did you take her to dinner? Exactly, yeah, that's exactly it.

Did you take her to a good Canadian dinner? You took her to A&W or something like that? No, not from Toronto, so we don't got very many options up in Barrie. No, it was just Krabby Joe's, and we just fucking talked for a bit. Nice. It was just Krabby Joes. We just fucking talked for a bit. Did you say Krabby Joes? Yes, sir. The place laughed so hard at that.

Why is that so funny? Nobody ever got no pussy after taking a girl like Krabby Joes. Krabby Joes. Oh, Krabby Joes. Oh, Jeremiah Watkins. I thought he said crappy. Wow. So what happened after the date of Krabby Joes. Oh, Jeremiah Watkins. I thought he said crappy. Wow. So what happened after the date of Crabby Joes?

It just wasn't. It wasn't happening. I wasn't interested. You weren't interested. Yeah, okay. Well, we both weren't interested. It just wasn't a good fucking situation. So it was just like, yeah, okay. What makes you say, let me ask you this.

It's okay, Pete. It's okay. Turn it down an exclamation point or two. When did you start to know that the date wasn't going good? Well, she's a nurse. I'm a welder. I work second shift. She works weekends.

That sounds like a Hemingway novel, man. Yeah, there you go. I wouldn't put it down. I'd never be able to see her. She wouldn't be able to see me. It would be relationships. Sounds like the best relationship ever. What the fuck are you talking about?

That's some lady hawk shit, man. Man. Good Lord. That's an interesting thing. A nurse and a welder? Yes. That sounds like the best parents I've ever heard. Jeremiah?

Yeah, I got a question for Pete. Yes, sir. Yeah, has anybody ever told you you look like you exclusively drink Mountain Dew? No. No. No, actually. Oh, awesome.

Just curious, you know. Man, I can't remember which one of Ruth from the Ozarks brothers you look like exactly. No, everybody's talking about that show. I've never watched it, man. I haven't seen it yet. It's a good crew. It's a good crew. Yeah, I'm pretty sure you got electrocuted on a boat. But Pete, I'll tell you what, man, this is one of the cool things. We've gotten

to already see both sides of this show. One of the most awesome things about it, other than watching people bomb, is every once in a while you'll see somebody with natural stage presence and a calm, cool energy put it all together for 60 seconds. And that's what it looked like from you tonight, Pete. Congratulations.

There he goes. Pete! Two exclamation points. Good work, dude. You got it. If I don't think you're going to kill yourself, I don't touch you. So go ahead. Okay. Wrong way. There you go. It's alright. Is that how it works? If I touch him, they go ahead. Okay, wrong way. That's a stage left. There you go. It's alright. Is that how it works? If I touch him,

they won't kill themselves. He's got metal in his eye. I'm going to leave right now. You guys get it? You ready for your next comedian? Okay. Make some noise for Vishal Raj. Vishal Raj. Here we go. We got movement. Here he comes. Vishal. I mean, I don't know. I guess if you're on that side, you might as well just... I don't know why. Here we are.

One more time for Vishal Raj. Vishal Raj, everybody. So you guys hear about this new bootleg Tim Hortons that just popped up called Tim Hottons. I was like, holy shit, it sounds fucking lit. Fucking Tim Hottons must be like open up in like the dirty south. No, no, it ain't. I thought it was going to be someplace where if i can um little john's gonna be walking in and they'd be like hey can i help you like yeah yeah uh but no no it's not that it's not lit at all it's uh it's actually and uh they're opening up a bootleg tim hortons in india it's like what the fuck does india need a bootleg tim hortons for

it's like they need some sort of of Canadian experience that we all go through? Like if they really want to have that experience, they should just hire a bunch of white people that only speak English, can't communicate with the locals. Fucking brown people walk in and be like, if you want to work in here, you have to speak all the languages. Tim Hortons the bootleg, or Tim Hortons the Canadian Dunkin' Donuts. Just so you know. Just so the power goes.

Vishal Raj. I mean, I guess that was a joke there at the end, maybe, perhaps. The first part was basically half a book in three seconds. Tim Houghton's. Tim Houghton's. Did you make that up, buddy? No, I heard it today. It's a real thing?

I heard it on the fucking radio, yeah. You heard it today? Yeah, it's a fucking bootleg. So you wrote your 60-second set today? Yeah. Wow. I had a few others going were going way too long, so I had to think of something that I could do quickly.

It's crazy that you wrote it today, because it felt like you wrote it two minutes ago. I mean, very impressive. Thanks. I wrote it five minutes ago. Perfect. Heck yeah, very impressive. Vishal Raj.

Am I saying that right? Yeah. Vishal Raj. Am I saying that right? Yeah. Vishal, what does that have meaning? He's trying to ask you where you come from. Yeah. It has meaning. Yeah, yeah. So Vishal means like grand, large.

Probably means red band. You are Incorrigible That's the wrong song Brian Red band Ladies and gentlemen Oh it is Does it have meaning though Yeah yeah

Vishal means like Big grand Kind of like Like I guess you could say Like a And then Raj means Loser Oh

Take it easy Kingdom Come on It means kingdom It means kingdom. It means kingdom. That's hilarious. Thank you. Thank you.

I know it is. Thank you, Vishal. I like how you say it like it's sarcastic, like it wasn't. Son of a bitch. So, Vishal, how long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. First time ever. There you go.

First time. There you go. Man, that first guy's night keeps getting worse and worse. First time ever. There you go. First time. There you go. Man, that first guy's night keeps getting worse and worse. Wow. So, Vishal, what made you want to start stand-up comedy? What made you want to try it out? A buddy of mine introduced me to the show. I really liked it.

Wait a second. Are you taking Pete's story from him? Yeah, pretty much. Except not a cousin. Just a good friend of mine. But same thing. I listen to it. You guys are hilarious. I don't mind getting roasted and I'm going to suck. You went way too fast. Yeah, because everyone told me my other jokes are too long.

But you're talking the same way right now. You're going that fast. I'm the same way. There's so many times where you get this much time. What's the last time you did a late night set? Like a short set? Yeah. Man, it has been a long time.

I did a seven minute set in Montreal. And even that, when you do anything, fucking The Tonight Show, Conan, anything, you have to do four minutes and 30 seconds, which is bananas. Nice. This guy's got a mouth. I like it.

Nice. See? When you let him relax, there's some quickness. Right? So it's like you're rushing your balls up. I couldn't even understand you, man. When you turned to us and you were like, you explained to the Americans what the Canadian things were,

that's when you got the big laugh. What do you do for work, Vishal? I used to work in advertising. Right now, I left that life. You left that life? What are you, running away? What are you, in witness protection program?

I'm leaving that. I'm going to start my own business. Advertising is like the mob. He knows. So when you say you left that life, what do you mean? Oh, I hated it. I was doing client services. If you're a client, fuck you.

Whoa, Jesus Christ. My God. Sorry, I had a mic. I'm up here. The kapooka's on this guy. But honestly, I just didn't like doing the work. So you left that life. What do you do now?

So I'm in the transition phase right now, but I'm going to start my business in April. April 1st is opening. You can buy online in October 17th. Vishal, you've answered everything but the fucking question. Marijuana. Give me your cocaine. They're legalizing

weed in Canada. October 17th you can purchase it online in Ontario. April 1st you can buy it in stores. Jesus, you still work in advertising it seems. My god, Vishal. Yeah, it's transferable skills. I feel like he did this just to advertise. Am I wrong?

So let me ask you this. So you're opening up a weed dispensary? Was that the answer? Yes, sir. Wow. Do you have a background in that? Well, I worked retail before. I think I can start a business.

You don't seem like you smoke pot. I smoke a lot of pot. Really? Yeah. How much pot do you smoke? He snorts it. Probably two to three grams a business. You don't seem like you smoke pot. I smoke a lot of pot. Really? Yeah. How much pot do you smoke? He snorts it. Probably two to three grams a day. Like, that's like a lot for me.

I'm guessing by the speed of your set, sativa. Am I right? Yeah, mostly sativa. Yeah, yeah. And I'm guessing by your name that you smoke it out of a hookah. Hey, man. Nope. Did you just put some

Is that Lion King? You got the race wrong man He went racist I don't think he's ever gotten the race right Yeah that's kind of his thing Good old Red Bran Red Man So Vishal

What else? What are some hobbies of yours? What do you do for fun? You seem like the most uptight pot smoker I've ever met in my entire life. Is the mic? What do we do? Oh, there you go. I like to do photography, watch TV, watch movies.

I smoke a lot of weed. That's a dating profile. None of that is something you like. Yeah, I do. Actually, I really like photography and movies and TV. It's like whatever. What's some of your favorite things

to take pictures of? Landscapes, my dog, my family. What kind of dog do you have? It's a pit bull, lab cross. Whoa. Goddamn. Someone's going to watch over the pot dispensary.

My goodness. Oh, we actually have him on the line it appears. Is that a monkey dog blend? All right, Vishal. Well, congratulations for first time. It wasn't

that bad. Vishal Raj, ladies and gentlemen. There you go. There he goes. Vishal Raj. I don't think you're gonna kill yourself Get out of here Heck yeah You guys having fun out there?

Already Two to one, first timers Very impressive, huh? Alright, let's keep this fun train moving along Make some noise for Stephen O'M Mahoney. Stephen O. Mahoney. Here, just come up that way.

Come up that way. Yep. I don't care about their wacky rules. They'll yell at me afterwards. One more time for Stephen O. Mahoney. I was abused as a child. It wasn't your typical abuse that you'd get from family members or the priest or the local butcher but I was abused by a dolphin

I'm from Ireland and we have a famous dolphin in Ireland called Fungi who lives off the coast of Kerry and you can take boats out to meet Fungi. I was there with my mother. We were visiting from Cork and mum turned to me and said, son, do you want to go out on the little boat and visit Fungi? I said, yes, mammy, please, I'd love to do it. So we hopped into the boat and we were chug-chugging along. Small little boat.

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. Please go on. Thank you for your patience. And it was such a beautiful day in Ireland, and that's quite rare. And I remember the sunlight was bouncing off the water, and I relaxed back into the boat, and I put the sunlight was bouncing off the water and I relaxed back into the boat and I put my hand over the side and just let the tips of my fingers just crawl along the tips of the water

A fellow survivor. And it was at this time and moment that this animal came up from the depths of the ocean and put its nose around my fingers. The motion was like this. I have to stress that the motion was not the other way. There you go, Stephen O. Mahoney. Thank you. Heck yeah.

You might be one of the first person in the history of this show that we've let go for two minutes, but the sweet, sweet fucking sound of that voice. The beginning of that sounded like a movie trailer. Yeah. And then it became a beautiful poem. Yeah. Thank you.

It was a starry night. Ah, here we go. I hadn't made friends before. So I went out to the water one night. And I fucked a dolphin's brains out. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I never saw that dolphin again. But the memories that I had

will last a lifetime with that dolphin. That's a lesson in cut to the chase from another ethnicity. Yeah. So, Stephen O. Mahoney, how long have you been on stage? First of all, great job. I loved it. Very good. Yeah.

Thanks. First time ever. First time ever on stage? First time ever. Wow. I never would have guessed that. You gotta be kidding me. Oh, the first guy just shot himself.

Oh, if you're listening, this is horrible. It's crazy. This lovely Irish man just ate a gun. Wow. Rest in peace, J.P. Scarpelli. Why did he paint the brain Like he painted the walls with his brain

Stephen O. Mahoney You Irish? Yes I am Jesus Christ again That one was perfect by the way You are Irish? I am yes You bastard

You live here in Toronto? Yes, I do. With my wife, Kaylee, who's out there as well. Oh, wow. He even said her name. How about Amber Kaylee? Sure. So, is she Canadian? No, she's from New York.

Albany. What part of New York? He just said, Jesus Christ. Albany, New York. How about that, just said Jesus Christ. Albany, New York. I don't understand a word he's saying. How about that, Matt Bronger? Albany, New York. Albany, New York. Today, I did a show with Matt and I told him that the

only city in the world that I've said I will never go back to again is Albany, New York. That's true. The bottom of the barrel. Truly unbelievably horrible city. again is Albany, New York. That's true. The bottom of the barrel. Truly unbelievably horrible city. And truly filled

with some of the dumbest people. Is your wife dumb? Oh, Christ. No, not at all. There was a little hesitation there. He's winking, by the way. What does she do for work? We actually work together for an engineering company that do projects for commissioning and validation

of machines that are used to make vaccines. Dude, do you understand what you're doing to women in the audience right now? You could literally read the phone book. And they're just like, yeah, go on. All right. For those of you listening to the podcast, Steven just keeps rapping more and more of the cord around his hand.

I'm absolutely shaking with the nerves. It's like the noose around J.P. Scarpelli's neck right now. You're super fidgety, but your voice is just killing the ladies. We have an Irish guy that's been on the show a couple times in Los Angeles who we love. He says January. Really, really interesting. Would you mind saying January for us? January.

No, no. Can we have silence in the crowd? All right. Go ahead. And please. January. Wow. You really enunciated that like a goddamn American.

Really took all the magic out of it, Stephen. Yeah, you kind of did, man. Now I believe that it's your first time. David, no poetics. No offense. So, Stephen, do you live in Toronto or New York? I'm a little confused. No, due to the job, we go to different projects.

So we were in Switzerland before here and then in Iceland. And then from Switzerland Switzerland we just moved over around three months ago. And we'll be here for two years. You lived in Toronto for two years? No, no. We'll be here for two years but we just moved here three months ago. I don't fucking know what you're saying.

He's going to live here for two years. What I'm saying is we've been here for three months. On my end of things, this ain't adding up. You wearing a wire, huh? Is that your real voice? How long have you been married for? It would be three years in January. Oh, there you go.

That's how he really says it. Did you catch that? He didn't even notice he did it. It'll be three years in January. Hell yeah, you accidentally did it, motherfucker. Son of a B. Steven, how do you keep things fresh in your relationship? Do you have any secrets?

Do you have any secret Irish sex moves that you do? You ever give her the old Conor McGregor, the old left-right combo or something like that? The old top of the morning to you? The end of the rainbow? The four-leaf clover, you slap her on the tits, grab her butt, and cum in her eye?

I've never even heard of that one before. Jeremiah. Jeremiah. Do you have any tricks? We work together and, you know, obviously live together, so we actually kind of try to go training in the mornings and do a bit of boxing, so we try to hit each other.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, what is it? So we get a chance to take out our frustrations on each other. So what do you do? We get up at around five in the morning and there's a gym in the apartment and we just go down there and warm up and do a bit of boxing. You guys have sex in the morning and there's a gym in the apartment and we just go down there and warm up and do a bit of boxing. You guys have sex

in the gym? No, we just work out together and sometimes we do a bit of sparring so we can take out our frustration on each other.

There's no sex in there. You really do? I'm married. There's no sex. Aww. Is that true? Come on, that is an old but classic joke.

Come on, give us an example. Tell the truth, Steven. When's the last time you had sex with your wife? If you had to guess, just a ballpark, just a random ballpark number, date, and perhaps days, weeks, months, anything you want to throw out there. Just give us the truth.

All I ask. Maybe she could tell us. By the way, what are you so afraid of? What's she going to do, keep not fucking you? Let me say a week ago. About a week ago. What, a week ago? I had sex with her before that.

You're meant to say after that. It's okay. Damn. I don't know why you're starting a war with a mafioso, Matt Brocker. I'm ready to die, man. I've had some nice nights. Sorry, go on. Well, Steven. I'm ready to die, man. I've had some nice nights. Sorry, go on. Well, Steven, I'm going to tell you this.

As far as first timers on this show goes, definitely one of the most interesting, definitely one of my favorite sets ever. It's really like about confidence. Like you just stepped up and just like, everyone's doing comedy. You're like, I'm going to tell a short story. And that takes a lot of guts.

And, you know, it was a dark night. Like, what the fuck? What's happening? You guys didn't even get to the actual joke. I could smell the sea while you were talking. It was fantastic. I mean, it's impressive. If you look at, we've always said this, you know, take your time.

We were just telling Vishal Raj that he talked too fast. He tried to get two minutes into a one-minute set, and you made your one-minute set so compelling and took your time so well that we wanted to hear the rest of it. So it just goes to show how true that is. It's his first time ever on stage, and he did it right here

at Toronto Kill Tony Live. Stephen O. Mahoney, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. You're going the completely wrong way, Stephen. Oh, my God. Get out of here. Oh, looks like I went the wrong way. He said he was so used to watching us that, you know, like on the videos, people always go behind.

Jeremiah, Jesus Christ. He saw it on the video, though, so that's how. That's funny. All right. Okay. Man, I hope I'm getting this right. Rhonda, Rhonda Sharma, Ron Sharma, Rhonda Sharma, Rhonda, Ron. Anyone with the last name Sharma, Rhonda, Ron. Anyone with the last name Sharma?

Sharma? Whoa. Look at that. Is anybody in the lobby or outside? Do we yell for them? Sharma? Whoa. Here we go.

Is that just somebody going to the restroom? Okay. Well, it looks like we have our first ever Toronto blacklisted human being. There you go. I don't even know how that's possible in this venue. Are you Sharma?

No. Are you? What's your name? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Gangster. Don't worry about it. Oh, okay, there you go. Go back to your seat. I run this town. I'm Ron Toronto. It's funny because you look

exactly like your last name would be Sharma. It's very impressive. Ah, the racism. Just going back, that's not racism. That's just a racial joke. Even he is agreeing that he looks like his last name is Sharma. Okay.

Let's keep the fun train moving along. Make some noise for Robin Chan. Robin Chan. Robin Chan. There can only be one. I see movement. Here we go. From deep in the back, here we go. Come on, everybody. Good and loud for Robin Chan. What up? So I've been seeing a lot of white people doing that DNA ancestry test, you know the one? Where they find out if your ancestor got cream-pied by a

black dude so now you're like 2% African. You'll never catch an Asian do that shit, just be a waste of money. What am I gonna pay 200 bucks, spin a thing to find out that I'm just Chinese? Nobody was fucking us back then. Nobody was fucking us. White girls are just starting to fuck us. It's fucking 2018, man. And the ratio's not even like 50-50. It's more like 70-30.

70% like, ew. 30% like, fuck, I guess I'll suck a Chinese dick tonight. Not even enthusiastic and shit, You know what I'm saying It's tough y'all Cause you know we don't got the best stereotypes going on for us You know like shitty driver Small dicks But personally I don't mind it

Because think about it You set the bar low you can only go up Robin Chan bar low. You can only go up. Robin Chan. Hell yeah, Robin. You did it. And you did it all in the classic Canadian tuxedo. Very impressive. Yes. Represent.

You are fitting in well here. Are you born and raised in Toronto? Yes, sir. Heck yeah. Wow. Guys. That's turning Japanese. You fucked up again, man. He's Chinese.

Oh, Christ. So, Robin Chan, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This is my first time. First time ever. Shut doing stand up comedy This is my first time Shut the fuck up Chaos Nice This is cherry popping good times here

Well It's great for your first time Heck yeah well it's impressive Especially since I pulled a fortune Out of the bucket Who would have guessed? By the way, your lucky numbers are 7, 19, 23, 45, and 62, Robin. So this is your first time doing stand-up.

How old are you? Just turned 30-30. 30-30? 30-30. 3,030, huh? Wow. You guys have the best skin. You haven't aged a bit.

What do you do for work, Robin? It's going to be a stereotype. I do social media for... By the way, I love that you started that with the classic evil Chinese giggle. I mean, that's just every fucking kung fu movie. What do you do for work? For you podcast listeners, he grew a Fu Manchu while he said that. Every fucking kung fu movie. What do you do for work? Ha ha ha ha ha. For you podcast listeners, he grew up Fu Manchu while he said that.

Yeah, so I do social media for a gun store. Wow. Social media for a gun store. How does that work exactly? You know, Instagram. The end. Nice. Make a four!

It's not real, man. You do that for a living? Yes, I do. So a gun store pays you enough money to make a living in order to live by running their Instagram? That's pretty sweet. How many people?

That's great. How many followers does the Instagram have? Almost 8,000 right now. Okay. Yeah. Bad. For a gun store in Canada, not bad. That's really not bad.

That's pretty good. How long have you been doing this job? About two years. About two years. They pay you enough. About two years. They pay you enough. In two years, you've been able to muster them 8,000 followers, and they pay you enough.

I do YouTube too, man. You do their YouTube too? Yeah, I do videos. Do you shoot the guns? Is it like reviews of the guns? No, like beauty shots. We do videos. We go shooting the guns. Wow.

Yeah, we shoot the guns in Canada. Thank you. That's what I was asking. Did someone just say we shoot the guns? Like, is your crew here? What's happening? Man, what's the craziest gun you've ever shot before, Robin? Shut the fuck up.

Hey, it's Robbins time like a 50 BMG rifle I don't know if you that's a big caliber that's a big caliber yeah what's the craziest thing you've ever shot

you can't really shoot much in Canada pumpkin no not really I've gone ski shooting you know with the yeah you shoot the thing

you shoot it with a shotgun wow you're a real man Just cause you've murdered people Dude I go ski shooting with kids babies Wow What the Christ Robin what do you like to do for fun?

Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? I breakdance. No, you fucking don't. That's what's up. Well, well, well, Robin. I don't know if you've ever seen this show before, but when somebody tells me that they actually have a talent when they actually answer and it's something that they can

do I make them do it because it makes the crowd go fucking crazy you guys want to see Robin Chan break dance oh shit oh shit uh oh uh oh oh Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Oh! Actual skill. Wow. Wow. I can't believe that happened. A little fun fact for those of you following along this episode, J.P. Scarpelli just killed himself again. How did he do it twice? How did he do it twice?

How did he do it twice? Wow, Robin, that was very impressive. How much, I mean, you must get all the pussy with those breakdance moves, am I right? Do you save some for the other people? Not really. Breakdance is all dudes, man. Really?

It's all dudes. Wow. You must get all the dudes, dude. Yeah, I do. The only time he sees box is when he breakdances. It's a better joke than what you give me credit for. Robin, we're going to keep this fun train moving along Congratulations man That was great

Toronto is flexing first timers here Great set For those of you just listening to the podcast Everybody has left a different way So far on this show Next person has to jump right in the middle Robin just parkoured out of here. Really the only episode that we've ever

given specific directions on how to get up and how to get down and we've never had more different exits. For example, for example, JP Scarpelli left by jumping off the roof. So... Well, that was his choice. We couldn't fight him on that.

Poor JP is getting roasted in memoriam. This is the first Italian that didn't have confidence that I've ever met, too. That's weird. It's true. Disgusting. It's true. Alright, this looks like an interesting name.

I get the feeling things are about to take a compelling turn, if I had to guess. Make some noise for Jam Easy. Jam Easy. What's up, Jam? Here he comes. He's coming from this side to just take that stairway, Jam Easy. It's right over there.

Take your time. Be safe. All right. Now, one more time. Make some noise for Jam Easy, everybody. Yeah. Yeah, they call me Jam Easy because I started off as a DJ in a strip club. Now, I don't know if you've ever been to the strip club during the day,

but you see some shit you don't want to see. Saw the grossest vagina I've ever seen in my life. Looked like cold cuts falling out of a sandwich. I was about to call Arby's and tell them, she has the meats. But not all vaginas are created equal, guys. And I know because I tasted them, all right? Some pussy has me feeling like a little kid on a hot summer day.

Just got an ice cream cone. Whoops, got some on my face. I don't give a fuck. I'm making a mess today, guys. Other pussy is like a shot of absinthe. You sniff it, taste it. Oh, fucking gross, guys. You ever taste a pussy so bad, you got to lick her asshole just to get the taste out of your mouth? Yep, me too. Hashtag me too. Wow. Jam easy.

Jam easy. Man. Strictly family material. Oh, yeah. Proof, perhaps, that confidence isn't everything. I feel like if this was a music video, it would cut to the credits

and it would say, words and lyrics by Brian Redman. Yeah, what's up with your ghost writing? Is that true? Do you really eat girls' assholes out? I've passed by her once or twice. Hell yeah. You ate shit for the first 57 seconds of that set, Jam Easy.

I believe it. For those of you listening to the podcast, he is wearing the official Jam Easy shirt. It says Jam Easy on it. Is that... Team Jam Easy. Is that your slogan, this hand thing that I'm doing? Yeah, yo. And I'm a little worried now because I heard it means white power now. Yeah, that's the racist symbol.

But it wasn't when I first did it, man, years ago. And now I'm a little fucked up. Yeah, you might want to change it. I might have to turn around on it, but I have so many shirts with my name on it. Wow. Just know when you see the Jam Easy brand, it does not mean white power. Hey, at least we're putting it out today, you know? All right.

All right, Jam Easy. Is it one word or is it Jam, last name Easy? Jam Easy, yeah. Jam, you got it. Which one is it? I asked you a question. Yeah, just Jam Easy. For those of you listening to the podcast,

Jeremiah is now eating spaghetti and meatballs on stage. Well, he's got to every couple hours. If there's anybody that has ever committed to character in their goddamn lives, it is the one and only Jeremiah Watkins. It's Mama Mancino's secret family recipe. So,

Jam, how long you been doing stand-up? Just a year. A year? Yeah. Alright, well. Is it all about pussy? Nah, but I mean, I really like that you ever taste a pussy so bad you gotta lick her asshole just to get a taste in her mouth, right? No, it's a good bit. I was building up to that.

Is there any other bits? Yeah, I have other topics, you know. Like what? Give me a topic. Like, you know. Brass! Rome wasn't built in a day. Holy shit. Fucking Italians. Always delaying construction and shit. like you know brass Rome Rome wasn't built in a day holy shit fucking Italians always delaying construction and shit what the hell my god all right

let's not let's not left let's not go fishing for more jammies these other material I don't know I wanted to get outside the pussy realm yeah I think jammies he's trying to stay inside the pussy realm.

Do you have other pussy jokes? Yeah, yeah. Don't ever do the Arby's one again. Yeah, that's an old hacky joke. Yeah, lunch, meat, Arby's. You don't want to go there. All right. But the asshole thing wasn't the worst thing, but it's also like, you know, I mean, like, come on.

You should do a joke about your logo, though. That's a perfect material, especially since you have it on you. Yeah, yeah. I know. Yeah. I would say, if I may pitch just one joke, this doesn't mean white power. This means tight flour. Thanks, guys.

Okie dokie. Wow. Man, if J.P. Scarpelli wants to come be a guest on this show, I'm kidding. I'm out. I'm out. So, Jam Easy, you talked a lot about getting pussy. You said that you've tasted all the pussies. You've said a lot.

When's the, honestly, answer the truth. When's the last time you got laid? I have a girl now. I get laid often. Like, fuck my girl. You know what I mean? So this week? This week?

If you named your hand your girl. With your arm out there like that, you look like Super Mario. I fuck my girl. Hey. Hey. How long have you had this girlfriend? You make the Mario Brothers out of this. Three years.

That's my bad. Three years you've had a girlfriend, and for the last year you've been talking about eating all the pussies on stage? Yeah, like I have more like, I guess my inspiration for comedy is a lot of pussy stuff. You know what I mean? Because before I used to be a little bit of a whore, but then I had a girl for three years, so it's a different life now. Wow. What's your girlfriend's a different life now. Wow.

What's your girlfriend's pussy like? It's good. Okay. That didn't get the laugh I thought it was going to. People are obviously genuinely interested in the answer to this question. It's cute? No, I said it's good. It's good.

Nice, warm, wet, good. Wow. All right. There you go. What do you do for work, Jammies? Do you still work at the strip club? No, I drive a truck. You drive a truck. What do you do for work, Jammie? Do you still work at the strip club? No, I drive a truck. You drive a truck.

Where do you drive the truck? Just around Ontario. The pussy town, you know what I'm saying? Man. What does your girlfriend do? She works at a call center. At a call center. Yeah.

Man. Now, it's been three years for you, you're saying. Do you still, is your sex life good? Yeah, we're good. We're good. Yeah? When's the last time you had sex? Tuesday.

Tuesday. What day is today? It's Friday. Friday at midnight. I don't know. Tuesday and Friday. What'd you do? Was it morning, nighttime?

Nighttime. Yeah? What happened? Did you light? Was it morning, nighttime? Nighttime. Yeah, what happened? Did you light a candle or something like that? What's a classy white power guy like Jameezy? White flower guy. Yeah. I'm sticking with it.

Yeah. Did you write that pussy asshole joke before or after you started dating your current girlfriend? She knew me when I started doing comedy, so after. Everything's after. It's a second bowl of spaghetti. He has grabbed some bread and he's dipping the bread in the

spaghetti and sauce. It's a second dish. Alright, well. Jam Easy, what is the most disgusting thing that you've ever done in your life? Because you seem like a real scumbag. I mean, yeah, I talked about, you know, eating ass, I guess. Anything more worse?

Hmm. I don't know. Yeah, I think that might be the most. Come on. No, you know that you know the answer. That's not bad at all. Remember, Jam Easy, the rule on Kill Tony is honesty works the best. How did you get that name, Jam Easy?

It just feels different. How did I get the name, Jam Easy? When I used to DJ for a strip club and for some Toronto hip hop artists. And that's when I got the name, Jam Easy. Most disgusting thing you've jammies most disgusting thing Fuck I feel like I think you know, so I don't know you put me on the spot, but I Don't have anything else top of my head. That's more disgusting I don't know like like disgusting as in what gross grows out maybe like fucking two girls in the same day You know, I mean not washing your dick in between but is that like

That's not bad gross no, it's disgusting but it's not a bad contender for this category But is that like gross? All right. Or is that just growing up? You know what I mean? That's not bad. That's not gross. No, it's disgusting. But it's not a bad contender for this category. Okay. Okay. All right.

Well, I mean, you know, you ever eat something off the ground? Like, oh, oh, like dropping food and eat it off the ground? Yeah, sure, man. I'm a dirty guy like that for sure. That's what you mean? Definitely. Have you ever had an Italian man baby bird food into your mouth before? No.

Would you like to do it tonight? I would not do that. He's clean, dude. I will not do that. I can't do that. I mean, audience, don't you want a jam easy to eat? Just one little bite. Come on.

I haven't spit food in my mouth. Yeah. Lay down. Come on. Lay down on your back. The crowd's going to go ballistic. Yo. Jam easy.

If you don't do this, you're going to wake up tomorrow. It's going to be the first thing you think about and you're going to regret not doing it. Yo, honestly, I won't regret it. And I wouldn't even mind getting booed by everyone. I don't give a fuck. Like, I'm not getting. Yeah, I love that shit. Boo me.

I would definitely rather get booed than have food spit in my mouth. I'm not doing it. I think you're disrespecting his mother's Italian cooking. Yes, Britney Spears perfect timing. You sure? Yeah, I gotta stand my ground on this one, you know what I mean? I'm telling you, Jam Easy,

you're gonna sell so many of those shirts if you let Jeremiah spit you out. No, I'm good, I'm good. Alright, we gotta keep moving along. There goes Jam Easy. Jam Easy! Jam Easy! This is literally the most insane show in the world.

How many of you want to see someone spit food in this mess? I thought he was going to do it. I thought he was going to do it. And it just goes to show people want what they, wow, look at the Canadians go crazy for a piece of bread. Wow. Straight into the camera. There it goes. All right.

Enough bread tossing for the night. There we go. If you didn't get bread, you're out. Okay. Another name. Keeping it going. Put your hands together for M. Borden. M. Boredom. M. Borden. M. Borden.

M. Borden. Here we go. One more time for M. Borden. What's going on, you beautiful motherfuckers? So do you know where I came from tonight does anybody know where Caledon is oh okay I got some of my homies down there yeah we came down in like horse and buggy like we're living in the fucking country

there's nothing down there like I mean I sit outside sometimes and I watch people go down the street and I learned something the other day I was like people and their dogs are identical. If you don't look similar to your dog, you have the personality of it. So I'm watching this girl go down, and she's like, not go down, but she's like, you know, doing her fucking thing.

She's walking down the street, and she looked like she was on the music video for the Bee Gees. And I'm so sorry. I kind of know I'm bombing. I did some edibles, but fuck it. I know I don't look like a hippie, but I live that hippie-trippy lifestyle. So, um... Yeah, I think that's around a minute. I don't know.

Yeah. Thanks, guys. Hey. Vinny from Vaughn, you don't be fucking with me tonight because Mickey Blue Eyes ain't fucking around. You know that, right? Don't bring me into your fucking bum. M. Borden, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah, M.

Is that your name? Am I saying that right? No, I'm Michael. Michael Borden? Yeah. All right, fuck yeah. Wow. Oh, God.

It's some real... That was good. I liked it. If anybody else yells in the audience, if anybody yells in the audience, people to their left and right are now allowed to open hands, slap them across the face.

It's a new Kill Tony road rule. We don't have that shit at the comedy store because it's a classy fucking venue. It really isn't. You guys need to shape up. All right. I want to talk with the main character from the movie The Mask for a second.

Not the Jim Carrey one, by the way, for those of you that got confused. Eric Stoltz? Is that Phantom of the Opera? You look like an alien that got stuck at Woodstock. It's very impressive. You look like you were raised by a group of lesbians.

And I'm not sure which one of Ruth's brothers you are from the Ozark, but I'm pretty sure it's the other one that the other guy wasn't. That's a callback. It's an electric callback. It's electric. He looks like Steve-O if he was a deadhead. Like, look at that.

I can't picture. You can't see it. Oh, yeah, you can sort of see it. Steve-o face. Okay, Michael, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I did, like, one show with Second City, so this is a really fucking huge crowd, but, yeah. Yeah.

This is the first time stand-up, though. Like, Second City is improv. Before this, I was a wannabe comedian but like not many comedians can say they've done shit like kill Tony and is your car green yes sir you have a green car a blue one yeah zoom zoom close enough what do you do for work I'm a wedding and event planner wedding of what that's exactly what you thought when you walked on this stage. I was like, that's a wedding event planner. Wow.

There's no... What kind of fucking white trash are you planning? I fucking love it. That's what you want. You do not want J-Lo in that movie. You want this guy. I have the best wedding planner, Michael Borden. I got married at a 7-Eleven.

Hey man, you're gonna walk up the aisle to She's Got the Looks That Kill by Motley Crue. Make her feel special. Once you get up there, you're going to want Fuck Like a Beast by Wasp. Then your ex's son will be somebody by Bon Jovi. Yes, sir. Man, Michael, you look like you've done all the drugs. No heroin. No heroin? No needles.

No crack. Everything that's fun and doesn't really fuck you up later on. You're sweating like crazy. Are you on something right now? I'm wearing a fucking jacket, a sweater, and a t-shirt. He's on layers. Have you ever heard of that drug before? Wow, he's on layers. Have you ever heard of that, Chirag?

Took a fat dose of layers. It's not LA. It gets fucking cold down here. So I got to layer up. And you have a very thick head wrap there. That's a thick bandana. It's actually for my sweat. No, no. I believe you. I believe you.

Maybe just take your jacket off. I don't want to look good for you guys. I don you. Maybe just take your jacket off. How about that? I don't know, man. I don't want to look good for you guys. I don't want to look like a fucking bum, you know? You don't want to look like a bum? I already am. I feel like he looks cool, man.

I don't know. I love it. He doesn't want to look like a bum from the neck down. But from the neck up, it's fucking bum partyville. I don't want to take my jacket off. What am I, a fucking piece of shit? So, Michael, you said that you only do the fun drugs. What's the most dangerous fun drug that you've ever done?

LSD. Oh. Is it really dangerous? Is LSD considered dangerous? Well, I did a half tap, and it opened up my fucking mind, which is awesome. It opened up your mind? Totally, man. I'm seeing colors right now on the table

I didn't even know existed until like two minutes ago. You did it two nights ago? Well, you just took the most dangerous drug you've ever taken like before. It's LSD. A second ago. What? Dude.

You just talked about the table. I'm fucking stoned and you're tripping me out. Sorry. Did you just... You just took LSD before? No, no, no. Wait, Matt Bronger is tripping you out? I think the most just took LSD before? No, no, no. Wait, Matt Bronger is tripping you out? I think the most dangerous drug you've ever done is Matt Bronger.

Yeah, well, that's pretty common. Kill Tony is the most dangerous drug you've ever done. Okay. Thank you, guys. I'm sorry. What? Thank you. You're cool.

Chill. Dude, you keep shifting. Wow. He is getting shiftier as it goes. I feel like he did a bump of cocaine after I called his name, and it's really just settling in right now. Oh, wow. You look like a fucking bum, dude.

He just took his jacket off. I don't know, man. I kind of like that early 90s style. Heck, yeah. You look like Leonard Skinner after the plane crash. No, he looks like a roadie for Nirvana, man. Wrong era. What do you keep in that pocket?

What do you keep in that shady front pocket there? Yeah, something's heavy on that shit. What's that? That's like weed gel. Weed gel? Yeah, so you throw it in like, you know, whatever, Gatorade or something, mix her around, and then you're fucking high. Whatever.

Gatorade or something. That's marvelous. Yeah. around and then you're fucking high. Gatorade or something. That's marvelous. I thought this was a condom but that's my edibles that I was doing tonight. Those are some gummy berries I got from a dispensary. You're looking at me so shocked. What else is in there? There's something thick in there that you're avoiding. I'm just glad you

said I thought this was a condom but it's an edible or some shit to us and not a woman. Wow. Yeah. You keep in your wallet. How many edibles do you have in your wallet? Let's find out. No, it's okay.

Done. Well, Michael Borden, I mean, you know, you came up. I can't remember what the fuck you talked about. Whatever drugs you've done, I believe they're now airborne and contagious. Right. But he did connect. Yeah. You can't deny he did walk out here and just get him right away.

So, like, to that, congrats, brother. He did connect. Honestly, guys, I wasn't expecting to do stand-up. If I was doing it, I wouldn't be drinking and I wouldn't be all fucked up on edibles and stuff. Nah, don't worry about that. When you say that you weren't expecting to do stand-up, you signed up, right?

Right. I fucking, yeah, I got to. Even if I'm fucking going to bomb, either way, I gotta fucking do it. Wow, you just said fucking five times for no reason. Well, Michael, you did it. You did it here tonight. You're also one of the comics that has the record for most clothes ever taken off while on stage. That's definitely true.

There you go. It's not the first time we've heard of a stripper with a sloppy pussy up here. That's a callback to Jamie. I'm going to join my buddy on the roof. Again, I have no idea what you're talking about. Put the mic back in the stand. Michael Borden, ladies and gentlemen, he did it. There he goes. You did it, dude. Right on. One more time. Michael Borden, ladies and gentlemen. He did it. There he goes.

You did it, dude. Right on. One more time for Michael Borden, everybody. Here's your drink, Michael. There's nothing left. Hell yeah. So we're a trash can now. It's okay.

Don't take it. Michael Borden, everyone. You know, we're running out of time quickly here. And we have not had a, what time did we start? About 8 after after 9 after an hour 18 oh okay so that gives us another 12 I wonder if

I wonder if the people lovely people at JFL will let us go another 12 minutes what do you guys think I got a thumbs up from Michael Borden let's do it Michael Borden gives the thumbs up from Michael Borden. Let's do it. If Michael Borden gives the thumbs up, I think that's a go. I feel like we're going to find out that guy never existed.

This is going to be like the haunted, you know, like ghost story. Michael Doran, why he died on these very grounds. Wow. Look at that. Back in 1993, he was a roadie for Soundgarden. What are the odds of that? As you say, he was never here. For the first time

ever, a blank sheet of paper pulled out of the Michael Grodin. That's just fucking freaky. Mark Korakianitis. Mark Korakianitis. Mark Korakianitis. Mark Korakianitis. Mark Korakianitis. Oh, good tune.

Here he comes. Here he comes, everybody. It's Mark Korakianitis. One more time for Mark Korakianaitis. I'm so fat, girls can blow me in the rain and stay dry. I'm so fat, they don't. I'm so fat they don't. My dad died two years ago. It was the hardest year of my life. I had to clean the eaves troughs,

close the pool, fuck my mom. Just one time I wished my sister would strap on the dildo and take one for the team, but no. I drew the fuck mom straw. Wow. Mark Korakianitis, ladies and gentlemen. That was great. And that is how you kill Tony.

Wow. Kill Tony. Fuck yeah. Incredible fucking set. How long have you been doing stand-up? Nine months. Nine months. Look at you.

Just like a baby ready to come out. Yep. You are absolutely hilarious. I mean, that is such a fucking funny minute that I'm pretty sure if you had a five or ten minute set, you could just fucking twiddle your thumbs after that and water it down

and just have a great set. How much time do you think you have total, grand total? Ten minutes that I'm comfortable with. Ten minutes. After nine months, that's not a bad thing, bad thing That's like You chose your words so perfectly And there was nothing wasted

That was like a perfect piece of steak They cut all the fat out That was so good Thank you That was so good I'll tell you what I have a My last hour long set is tomorrow here in this room at midnight.

I do believe tomorrow night. If you'd like, I'll throw you on for a five-minute guest spot. Fuck yeah, dude. Dude. Is that cool? That's dope. Then let's keep it moving along. There he goes.

He did it. Mark Korakianaitis. All right. We're going to go back to the bucket one more time, okay? But this time, since we haven't had a female comedian up tonight, I'm going to keep digging until I find one. Sound good? Yes, please.

Yes, please. Here we go. Let's try it. That's not one. Sorry to Al Babcock. Oh, here's one right here. Actually, this young lady has been on this show before in Los Angeles. We actually saw her last night.

She is a funny rising Toronto comedian. Make some noise for Sarah Wren, everybody. Sarah Wren, everybody. Here we go. Closing out the show. Sarah Wren. This is it. Come on. It's your final comedian of the night.

Make some noise. Hey, everyone. Recently, my boss decided to celebrate National Boss Day. It's a legit holiday in Canada. I looked it up. The history behind it, a daughter worked for her father, and she wanted to celebrate how hardworking her dad is and how her dad is such a great boss to her.

So you guys are probably thinking the same thing I thought when I heard that. Obviously, they were fucking. But my boss comes in and goes, It's National Boss Day! G gets drunk, which leads to them stripping nude and then masturbating furiously in their office. I also work for myself. Thank you. I feel like now that I've shared my masturbation habits with you guys, maybe I can share an opinion that isn't so popular. I cannot trust men to build houses

because they think that four inches are seven inches. Thank you. Sarah Wren, everybody. Fuck yeah. You did. I'm so out of breath. I'm really out of shape. Well, Mark Korakianitis did a fun job.

I think he's a little bit more out of shape than you. No, he floated to the stage. Let's not lean on the excuses too quickly here, Sarah. That was fun. This is your second time ever on this show. How long have you been on stand-up? Nine months now. Wow, nine months.

Two nine months people back-to-back. You guys are like twinsies or something like that. How's it been going for you? Good. I love it here in Toronto, and I've been touring, and I just came back from my second tour in the States, so it's been a lot of fun. You enjoy the Toronto scene?

Yes, I love it here. You get hit on by a lot of comedians? Yes. Yeah. What's that like? Story checks out. You ever give in to any of the temptations or anything like that? Once.

Uh-oh. Was it with Mark Korakian-itis? Well. No. As long as it wasn't with J.P. Scarpelli. Poor J.P. Hey, man, respect the dead.

He has blue balls right now as well, but mostly because his heart stopped 25 minutes ago. Sarah, we have unfortunately gone long over our time, so we're just going to end the interview portion right there. There she goes. Sarah Wren, everybody.

Thank you so much to the Royal Theater and JFL 42 for letting us go long. How about you make some noise one more time for the great and powerful Matt Bronger. Thank you for having me. This show is important. Thank you, guys. How loud can this place get for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins? Yes. Brian Redband,

we did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was, you know, this was a this was, you know, a very special episode to us. Like I said earlier, Toronto was one of the first places we ever took this show on the road over four years ago, less than a year after starting this podcast. And we've always said this is one of our favorite, truly one of the best cities for comedy in the world. And we thank you guys so much for coming out and being part of this show.

We absolutely love you. Take care of each other. Love each other. Thank you, guys. See you. Good? Yeah, I'll have some CDs and stuff out front. And we've got a new music video.

My name is Jeremiah. Reagan Watkins music video. Check it out on YouTube or Instagram. If you guys are still out there in a few minutes, we'll give you a bunch of high fives and take pictures or whatever you guys want. Love each other. Good night. See ya. You can talk of the future, you can talk of the past You can go find yourself a nice piece of ass

Boys Club Boys Club Ooh yeah, talking about Boys Club Boys Club Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017 Thank you.