KILL TONY - KILL TONY #30

Episode Date: January 2, 2014

Earl Skakel, Willie Hunter, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Brian Redban – Date: 12/23/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Please check out the official merchandise of Death Squad at ShopSquad.tv. We have the limited edition Kitty Kat t-shirts, stickers, and got a couple more products coming for you in 2014. And if you go to DeathSquad.tv, you have all our tour dates, including the Texas tour. It's the first time Death Squad has ever been to Texas. We're coming to Houston January 9th with me and Tony Hinchcliffe. We're doing a live podcast, and then we have a comedy show after the podcast,

so you can get your tickets at DeathSquad.TV. The following day, though, we are going to be in Austin, and Tiffany Haddish is joining us. If you don't know Tiffany, she's a very funny comedian. She's really big on Arsenio. So go Google her. She's great. So she's going to be joining me and Tony in Austin on January 10th.

And then January 11th, we'll be in Dallas. And so all the tickets are at DeathSquad.TV. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Yay, everybody. It's me! How you guys doing? Believe it or not, this is episode 30 of Kill Tony, everybody! 30 Mondays in a row! Wowzers!

How exciting! I'm happy to be here. Yeah, I said wowzers, and I have no hesitation about it. I had hesitation before I said the word hesitation though. That was weird. Live show, people. Anything can happen. It's a live episode of Kill Tony. We did not rehearse this. I just

got back from Youngstown. It's Christmas week. Yeah, you were in and out. That's the way to do it. Freezing as fuck, I bet. I didn't go back to my hometown for five years. And then I just went back this weekend. And it was fun. I did shows there. And it's interesting because we do the road a lot.

And I'm normally at a hotel, which I love. You walk into a hotel room. The door closes behind you. You throw off your clothes and you just start jerking off. And it's so much fun. I just love hotels. But my mom, she's like, I'm like, what hotel should I stay at? She's like, you're not staying at a hotel.

You're staying with me. And I'm like, this should be interesting. I'm going to see how this goes. And the thing that's weird is, you know, it's Youngstown. If you guys don't know, it's like the murder capital of everything. Even Detroit's just more spread out. There's more people. So they get a

bigger reputation. But Youngstown's like a dilapidated, dangerous city. And she's a little bit on a suburb of it. But still, you know, there's something to be concerned about. Your eyes are open. It makes you a certain type of person. Anyway, so she's showing me around her house that I'm supposed to be sleeping at. And the first thing I notice, I don't know if it's a Youngstown thing or my mom's getting much older thing. You know, she's 67. But there's all these dolls sitting around. What kind of dolls?

Like creepy dolls, like antique-y, like dolls that are like smiling. Or like soft or hard? Ceramic. Yeah, mostly ceramic. Mostly hard. With like wobbly. With glass faces and shit. Right, right, right.

So I see I noticed a couple in the living room. I eyeball the couch and the bigger, you know, the big TV. And I'm like, this looks like a sweet place to crash. This is probably where I'm crashing. And she's like, no, come upstairs. Look at the guest bedroom where you're going to be staying. And I walk in and there's like 50 of these dolls and they're all pointed at the bed. And I'm like, I'm not staying in here. So that that was the first and they're all pointed at the bed and I'm like I'm not staying

in here so that that was the first night so I crashed in the living room I come home at like three in the morning I heat up some killer my mom makes the best spaghetti sauce of course every Italian boy will tell you that but my mom makes the best sauce so I scarf down this huge plate I'm in the living room I throw down a couple blankets I'm laying there the lights are off the tv's on and there's the two dolls that are in the living room are right underneath the TV. So I'm seeing this glistening as I'm like falling asleep. And I started getting really paranoid. I've always had a thing with them because when I was a kid, Child's Play came out. Remember that with Chucky? And I had one of those My Buddy dolls. Remember My Buddy? Like for some

reason, this movie and that doll came out at the same time and I had both. I had seen Chucky and I had that doll. So from when I was a kid, like dolls at nighttime sort of creeped me out because at the end of the night that my buddy doll would be staring at me. So there I am looking at these two dolls and I'm thinking to myself, I'm in the most dangerous fucking city. And here I am creeped out about these two dolls.

And then I start thinking like, wait, what if it's these two dolls. And then I start thinking like, wait, what if it's these two dolls that are killing people and they're just getting away with it because they're fucking dolls. Maybe your mom is like held hostage by these fucking doll class. And she wouldn't be able to tell me or else they would find out and kill all of us. Did you end up staying at a hotel?

No, I stayed both nights there. You're crazy. I try to stay with my mom every time I'm back, but she does the annoying shit that that brings back like the memories of being a kid like we're at like 8 a.m she's just like brian you have breakfast and you're like shut the fuck up and then like two hours later it's getting kind of late you should wake up oh yeah like that annoying she knows i would immediately just leave. She knows I would leave right then. I would be grabbing my bag and then going to a hotel and sleeping.

And then I'd come back at like 2 o'clock to eat more of her spaghetti sauce. I mean, it's crazy. That's all I ate for three days. Wow. Insane. Healthy vegan diet. Hell, yeah. Yep.

Yep. Tomato sauce. It's the Christmas episode. And us as always in special uniform today put your hands together for the Iron Patriot everybody. Motherfucking fire hazard for Christmas, for the Christmas episode.

I will lead these new Avengers into battle against anyone who would threaten our way of life. I am the Iron Patriot. Fuck yeah you are. It's good to be here on Christmas with you, Tony. Oh, boy. Okay. Creepy right from the beginning, huh? Okay, let's get into it.

I might go caroling after this. I look so stylish tonight. Caroling? Caroling. Caroling, okay. You know, chestnuts resting on an open fire. Jack Frost nipping at your nose. Have you ever had Jack Frost nip at your nose, Tony?

Tony! No, I haven't. Have you? You don't even have a nose on that thing, so probably not. I like to put some pie out for Santa, so he gives me the right gift. I want to talk to you, Tony. Who puts pie out for Santa? What are you talking about? You mean cookies and milk?

Yeah, yeah. I got some things to say to you. I enjoyed hearing you on Joey Diaz, The Church is What's Happening Now last week. Yeah. It was fun. It was an exciting episode. And you have made a strong connection with Joey because you've had similar backgrounds.

Both your moms had aliases. But I learned something about you, and you talked about this. You said that your father, your real father, lived right a couple blocks away. He had another family. And your mom was his girlfriend for 16 years. Yep. Oh, you son of a bitch. Wow. I mean, maybe we go to a Dodger game next spring. I think, yeah. We have a little bonding.

We can make up for those lost years. This is getting very transgender. Yeah, yeah. But also, I want to talk to you, too. I'm very proud of you. You gave me two Christmas presents last week. You also made a trailer, and I was thinking evil thoughts about you because I thought you weren't going to do anything. I had to come in two months ago early

and I thought you just wasted it, but you put it together. If you guys want to check this out, go on YouTube and type in Kill Tony Trailer and you're going to see this great thing he put together. It edits all the comedians giving really strong points about how to do comedy and then it even finishes off with Pauly Shore.

It's really nicely done, nice music, nice editing. I was impressed, Tony. Thank you for that promo for the show that people are already listening to. Well, they need to check that out. Kimberly and Sarah are featured in it, too. I've never seen anybody promo a promo before.

I just said, hey, people, go look at this advertisement that Tony made. Let me talk about this song I'm going to do tonight. Oh, boy. Okay. For those of you that don't know, and I don't know how you couldn't possibly know this, the Iron Patriot was in a failed rock and roll band in Dallas in the 90s. And he was in two other bands as well.

None of these bands ended up doing much of anything. But somehow he saved the music, and sometimes he sings for us these songs that are way too long. Sticks and stones can't break my bones and words can't hurt me either, Tony. Oh, it sounds like something's starting to bother you, though. Okay. Taking you back to 1986. This was the first band I was in. It was called

Romeo and the Dreamers. This was the first hit song I wrote. It's called One and One. When you say hit song, what made it a hit exactly? Well, when you got people coming to the show and they're all singing the song with you, that's a hit. Were they really singing the song with you? Yeah, we had a breakdown.

You're not going to hear it because we're not going to play the whole thing, but there's a breakdown. Everybody starts singing One and One together. It's a very catchy tune, very festive. And if you guys want to sing it with me, you can. But, you know, it's not a good song. How would anybody know how to sing it with you? That's my question.

It doesn't take long. It's one and one has always got to be two. Oh, my God. Why do we do this again? You guys are going to Deep Ellum January 11th next month. You're going to the area where I did this song. So it's kind of, I'll tie them together. This makes no sense.

Yes, it does. Clap your hands if you know what we're talking about right now. Slow clap from the top somehow. They'll catch on. Okay. All right, let's just go right into this. Here it is. All of his songs are really weird and cheesy. It's like, all right. People always pulling down the yarn Running round just trying to have some fun Worry over little things, never brought me anything I just want to have some fun Worry over little things Never brought me anything I just want to dance and sing my song People living in despair

Loneliness everywhere No one cares enough about you Let's have some fun One in one, it's always gotta be two One in one, it's always gotta be two One and one has always gotta be two One and one has always gotta be Never changing, always the same One and one has always gotta be two Wow.

That just gives you a little pace right there. One and one has always got to be two. It could be like two ears. It could be two eyes. It could be two lovers enjoying a walk together. One and one has always got to be two. It could be anything you want. Two balls on the banana, whatever.

Oh, wow. Okay. Well, what can I say? You know, that was actually probably my most favorite song out of all the ones you played. I'm a little bit surprised. Aren't you impressed with my variety, Tony? No, all the songs sound exactly the same.

The only thing that changes is the lyrics. No, they don't. Next week, I'd like to do a song for my second band called Shame. And then after that, we'll get back to some more Dirty Crabber songs. And then I have some solo songs when I was a solo artist. Oh, wait, wait. Can we just skip right to the solo ones?

Yeah, let's definitely cut out that. Cut out the middleman. Yeah. Okay. I mean, do you have a romantic solo song about a lost lover or shih tzu? I'm going to take you on a journey, Red Band. You'll see. Wow. Can you play some of that without him

singing? I always love just hearing the actual part that he sings over with his robot voice compared to his actual voice. He sounds exactly the same. It's like Rusted Root. Yeah. And he's the Iron Patriot Iron doesn't get

Rusted Alright So this is How long is this Guitar solo From GarageBand Is that you singing? Whoa Is that you singing? Whoa!

Iron Man, Steelya! What? Let me tell you, that is not me singing. That's my old friend Brian Hurley singing, but I wrote that song, and I played guitar in that band, and I just wanted to do it. I didn't have any way to take the vocals off there but that's my best friend.

He played in Dirty Crabber with me too. How do you think it would make Brian Hurley feel if he was just looking for a new podcast and he saw you draped in Christmas lights and an elf hat singing his lyrics? He'd love it because he'd like to see me promote this song and get it out there so people can hear it.

He'd love it. If you guys got a movie promote this song and get it out there so people can hear it. He'd love it. If you guys got a movie, somebody's a movie maker out there, put that song and get in contact when we get that song in the soundtrack. It can mean a lot of things. Yeah, like what's that?

Cowboys movie? Like a sequel to that cowboy movie. What's the gay Cowboys movie? Like a sequel to that cowboy movie. What's the gay sex cowboy movie? Oh, Brokeback. I've ruined that one. Maybe some kind of kids show. One plus one has always got to be two.

Maybe you could have different math songs. Three minus three is zero. Good idea, Tony. Oh my God. I don't like that anymore. Now it's forced. Yeah, you're really beating it. You gotta just relax. I'm an enigma.

You know, I'm very mysterious. I work in strange ways. I love it. Put your hands together for the Iron Patriot, everybody. So loyal. So cool. I'm really excited about this episode. As always, I have two of my funniest friends

and comedians and a bunch of, they have many credits. They're so much fun. I'm so excited to have both of them here tonight. They've both done the show once before, so this is both of their first return. And here they are.

This young man just wrote an NBC untitled pilot. He made it, got it filmed. The untitled Gerard Carmichael NBC pilot. One of my best friends. We started together. It's Willie Hunter, the host of the Will Hunter Show. Once a month in the main room. And the co-host on his show opens for Rob Schneider, tours the country, one of the back-of-the-room assassins considered one of the top comics comics here in Hollywood. It's Big Earl Skakel, everybody. There he is. Powerful presence.

This special Christmas episode. Fuck yeah, Willie. How are you? Earl, welcome. Guys, it's so good to have you back. Merry Christmas, everyone. Yeah, Merry Christmas. I like that guy's song, by the way.

I'd like to get a single of that if I could. Really? It's totally out of the 80s. Send me your email on Twitter and I'll send you the MP3. I'd love to get it, man. Willie, I want to talk to you. I bet. Right now? Yeah, I did send you the MP3. I'd love to get it, man. Willie, I want to talk to you. Right now?

Yeah, I did some reading. I did some research on you today. Came out to California at the age of 21. Left Georgia. You came on the bus. Alabama. You came on the bus. You only had $400 in your pocket. 0 for 1. Now, on Kill Tony 12, when I was coming down here, I was riding the bus with you. Now, on Kill Tony 12, when I was coming down here,

I was riding the bus with you. Now, have you ever had a car? Or what's your situation? Oh, my God. You know, you can ask that after the show. Real smooth there. Yeah, real smooth. Never had a car out here.

Well, that's 2008. Getting around without a car, it doesn't really matter, does it? No. No? Great question, since 2008. No. Great question, Patriot. I mean, you know, the way you threw that together, really interesting. Yeah, no problem. You drive a 2013 Camaro. Yes, yes, indeed.

Yes. I bet. I noticed that you're a fan of the band Rat like me. Yes, yes, indeed. And the first time I met you, you were wearing a Rat t-shirt. Yes. Now, I got a story to share with you. I bet. Now, the first time I smoked a joint was listening to Round and Round. Because back in 1985, I worked in the paint department at Sears. Had a hippie friend. After work was done, he took me out in his Trans Am.

He handed me a joint for the first time I smoked this thing. It was like smoking a beer. He put on round and round and that song jams, it was a magical moment I wanted to bond with you man to man over there because I know you like rap yeah, we're bonding Earl's never smoked pop before never man

that was sad when Robin Crosby died I hate to see that happen of AIDS yeah, it was actually a heroin overdose never man yeah that was sad when robin crosby died i hate to see that happen of of aids yes but but he um yeah it was actually a heroin overdose he got aids the year before but um that that's a good memory there you know you kind of look you kind of look like robocop with aids wow robot insult humor i like that you don't get to see that very often. You know what, robot, you remind me of? Earl, you've never really ever even taken a hit of a joint. I've never had a drug or drink in my life,

which is why I look so good. Would you ever try? Do you think you'll ever try? Are you just scared to? No, I don't want to end up like... Having, like, smiling? Yeah. I like my disposition, so... Also, really, I want to say one more thing before we go. I like my dispositions.

Also, Willie, I want to say one more thing before we go. I heard you talking on a podcast that you went to one of those cocaine Hollywood parties. Yeah, yeah. And you didn't like it. Now, but you didn't do cocaine. Do you think you would have liked it more if you did cocaine at the party? No, there was enough. No, I'm talking to Willie.

Oh. I'm sorry. You're looking right at me. Do you have an answer, though? No, I'm talking for Willie. Oh. I'm sorry. You're looking right at me. Do you have an answer, though? No, I think yours will be better with this guy. Did you both talk about going to a Hollywood Coke party while on a podcast? I don't think so.

Interesting. Let's hear both of their answers. Yeah, well, he was talking to you, so. I don't know how to answer that question. What was the root of the question, Patriot? Well, remember, I heard you on that podcast, Willie, talking about how you went to a cocaine party, one of those Hollywood parties, but you didn't

do cocaine because you'd never done it, and you didn't like it. You didn't like the experience. Do you think you would have liked it better if you would have done cocaine with him? Yeah, I guess. Yeah. You are very good at asking questions. Are you being sarcastic,

Willie? I like that. Oh, man. Like Tom and Jerry. That's his thing. He says the person's first name at the end of the sentence sometimes for a very creepy effect. It's like an 80s black woman. Yeah.

Willie. I started hosting the open mic in 2010, and I'm kind of sad I didn't get to go to that process. I just kind of came on this show, but it must be an interesting process going through that open mic thing. I hear a lot of people have to struggle through that. Did you say you did do an open mic? No, no. I was saying I didn't go through that process like other people, but that must be a good learning experience. I heard you talking a lot about that when, you know, going through the open mic and when you get here, nobody explains what's going on are you still talking to me yeah oh okay uh yeah sure sure yeah you know what i'm talking about

this guy's a regular carson daily with these questions i love it well hopefully uh hopefully it won't be too big of a fire hazard what we have going on with them tonight i sort of just draped those things over there. So, here we go. Put some presents underneath me? Anyway. Fuck yeah, everybody. So that's the Iron Patriot.

Here are my guests. Are you guys ready to get this thing started or what? You know how it works. We had many comedians sign up tonight. 25, I do believe, in total. And they get to come up here and do one minute of material. And then we try to help them out, talk

to them with what they just went through and maybe give them some punch up or just see how it goes. We talk to them because they're comedians. They get one minute at the end of their 60 seconds. You know your time's up when you hear the sweet sound of a kitty. Adorable.

That's when you know to wrap up your time because your time's up. If you keep going too long after that, you're going to bring out the West Hollywood Angry Bear. And he sounds extra angry tonight. You say that every single week. I know. And I'm really

excited about this episode because I know Willie, you're like a regular host here, and Earl, you are considered one of the hardest working guys on the circuit. I mean, many spots a night always. So you guys are in the depths of the comedy world, so I'm excited to hear what kind of feedback and questions you ask and what happens here tonight. Are you guys ready to get

this started? It's Kill Tony 30 and your first comedian tonight is Sarah Kenny. So I find it hard to find a place to live. I got some roommates to try to save money, and then right away they started doing annoying shit,

like eating all my food, knocking me up. And then I did get knocked up, and the timing was really awful because my abortion group had just run out. But, you know, the more I thought about it, I was like, lots of people want babies. I could just sell it and really turn this thing around for myself. But you can't legally sell a human being. So I had to find a loophole. I put an ad on Craigslist that said, baby stroller, $10,000. Everything included.

And it worked out okay, but I did have to give the buyer kind of a discount just because that baby was so fucked up. I don't know how long that was. That's 55 seconds. All right. Fuck yeah.

I like that. So I just missed the beginning. The baby was yours originally in this thing? Yeah, I got knocked up by my roommate. Right. Okay. And you were thinking of a way to get rid of it? Yes. There we go.

My abortion Groupon ran out so I decided to sell it. You like saying that, don't you? Yeah, I guess so. I got a chuckle from someone. Someone laughed at abortion Groupon. You can't go wrong with an abortion joke. It's true. But this is not about abortion, though, because the baby's alive now. This is murder now.

No, I'm just selling it. Oh. I'm just selling it to some random person. See, this joke's confusing to me. Make some money. Yeah, it is confusing, because I don't know whether it's real and I don't know exactly what you're trying to do. At the end, it just goes, the baby's fucked up.

That's not really – it doesn't really end a story at all. Was there more to that? No, that's just why I – That's what you have up until this point. Yeah. Okay. So is any of this true? Was there more to that? No. That's what you have up until this point. Yeah. Okay. So is any of this true?

Did you get knocked out by a roommate? How many abortions have you had? Half of it's true. So you didn't get pregnant, but you had the abortion? I did get pregnant. I did not sell the baby on Craigslist. Backpage? There you go Oh I think I'm starting to figure it out So you did

Yes that's what she had an abortion Yeah that's our first Kill Tony live abortion No I didn't have an abortion And she kept her cell phone on and recorded it It took care of itself. Can we just say that? Oh, wow.

God made an abortion. It was a miscarriage. Sure. Wow. What do you mean sure? What do you mean it happened on itself? This is way more than I bargained for. Yeah, I know.

It happens quick. We got a whole new joke here now. Yeah. Did you put it in like a zip lock? We got to talk about this baby that just vanished out of thin air. Who is the father? A potlucker? Alright.

Okay. So yeah, I'm gonna write all this down. This is really helpful. Abortion jokes are really fucked up though to even

try to do. Seriously, because I mean you're pretty much telling half i mean you're gonna you're pretty much telling half the audience or you're gonna hate you immediately like there's people like myself that are like yeah but then the other half are like fuck this girl what the fuck is she being serious like you really like even with baby jokes i've found from just past experience anything that has to do you have to remember that you're pretty much taking your audience

and splitting it down the middle at that point and i actually used to tell that joke without the abortion gruban part and it it seems to work either way but yeah it's true i definitely alienate people with that yeah well i think the ten thousand dollar uh all things included with the stroller thing's funny but i don't think that has to be about necessarily you or that same thing i think i think that's funny and that could be its own different thing about I don't think that has to be about necessarily you or that same thing. I think that's funny, and that could be its own different thing about I don't know. That sort of got

sad in the middle of everything. I was thinking about this baby. Did it have a name? I was thinking about how many roommates you had. That's a great question, too. Fuck yeah. An orgy, too. Fuck yeah. Orgy abortion joke.

All right. Okay. Okay. Well, so... Yeah. So if anybody needs a roommate, just let me know. There you go.

I'll give you an abortion. Oh, my God. This is a weird episode so far. You ain't lying, bro. I smoked way too much weed. It was indica instead of sativa. Oh, my god. What a debacle.

I mean, it's really not even the weed. It's just the universe at this point. Right. Sarah could have gotten picked out of that bucket at any point, you know what I mean? But we just started it off. And that's why openers are important. Yes, it is.

Sarah, so, fuck yeah. I'm still sort of just... What approach would you like to talk about on stage? Would you ever talk about having... I'm still not positive whether you even want to cover this subject whatsoever. I don't think so. So probably not. Well, I thought it's clear that it's not serious, but...

Is it not serious or is it serious? Well, I mean, I think it's clear that the Craigslist part is not a real thing that a person would do. Right. Well, I'm not so sure about that. Or maybe I'm just giving people bad ideas. So I kind of like that, you know, it sort of makes me have this very careless attitude towards something that is pretty serious.

Interesting. Okay. Do you think it would be better if she made the baby black? No. Yeah. Why does a black baby have to die in a joke? Because it's just the way it is. No, no. Some white babies have to die in a joke? Because it's just the way it is.

No, no. Some white babies need to die in some jokes too. Always a black baby. I mean, it's just the way it is. That's what I meant by the baby was so fucked up. That it was black? No, I'm just kidding. Oh, no. See, there we go.

Sweetening it up. No, I was trying to imply that I had been debaucherous during the pregnancy, but maybe that wasn't clear. That I was drinking or that it was messed up in some way. I was trying to imply that it was my fault that it was messed up. Right. So that might not be true. Oh, see, I got lost with all that. It's not the guy's fault.

Yeah, and why are you bringing this roommate in there? He gave you the greatest joy of all, a baby, and then you just threw it all away. He gave you a big one. And now you're just going to tell a joke about just threw it all away. He gave you a big one. And now you're just going to tell a joke about it like it's nothing. He gave you a big one and now you're blowing it. Well, I guess I'm a thankless roommate. Maybe there's something funny in like, maybe you could just say,

I got really drunk at a party and hooked up with some guy and i swallowed a plan b pill after he came inside of me you know maybe something anything but i really don't know it all depends on how real and true it is and it depends on what you really want to talk about i'm really confused right now so it's all that shit's really overplayed though it's very hacky. The plan B jokes. It sounds like it's true. Is that what happened? You got knocked up

and then what? She had a miscarriage. In real life. Oh, God. Okay. Did that really happen? It actually happens all the time. It's more common than you would think. You got that right. It can happen very early on. Yes, it can. Any miscarriages out there?

Two dudes, that's it? That's it. I'm sorry for you guys. They were the miscarriages. They made it. I've never heard a female comedian do a miscarriage joke, and I encourage you to write it, because that sounds like what happened.

So if you can talk about that and you have a couple minutes about it, then it could be a killer bit. No fucking around. But it hasn't started here, and I don't know where it begins. So good luck with that. I don't know what else to say.

That's creepy. Bye, puppy. Thank you. There you go. Sarah Kenny to say. That's creepy. Buy a puppy. Sarah Kenny, everybody. Skinny comedy. Very interesting way to... Very interesting. Oh my god. I hope this next is very light-hearted.

Maybe a guitar. It's weird. I got confused. I'm trying to think in my head like, did she have an abortion? Did she have a miscarriage? Did she take the Plan B pill? All these three options are all just babies dying. It's like I have all these

babies dying in my head. See how quiet it gets? It's made this whole place very awkward. Sarah Kenny's excited. I better have a happy song. Okay. You better play One Plus One again. Oh boy.

Put your hands together for Timothy Cash, everybody. Timothy Cash. One thing that I really do need, Santa, baby. Any racists in the crowd tonight? White supremacists out there? No? Good. Personally, when it comes to white supremacy, I think the only people that can really get away with it are the albinos. You know, if I hear an albino talking about white supremacy,

I'm not going to argue with him. I figure he's earned it. If not supremely, he's extremely. What I'd really like to see, though, is a white supremacist rally interrupted by a bunch of albinos. You know, you got your grand dragon up here preaching white is right.

Then enter the albinos. Burying them through the doors. What the fuck is going on here? A white supremacist rally. And we weren't invited. Really? That's a nice tan you got there, buddy. You see that? It's not sunburned. Somebody took my picture with a flash.

White supremacist my ass. We're supreme. Like sour cream on a taco. Oh, wow. We just started with the bear, huh? All right. Fuck yeah. Perfect post-abortion material.

Hell yeah. Timothy Cash. perfect post-abortion material hell yeah timothy cash fuck yeah where are you from kansas nice how long have you been in la i got here thanksgiving that's awesome man heck yeah that's great okay so we're talking about albinos that's fun that that's a fun twist on that that i've talking about albinos. That's a fun twist on that, that I've never heard albinos and white supremacists. Fuck yeah. Do you really hate black people? Be honest. Don't hide it.

Has anybody ever told you that you remind them of Trevor from GTA 5? No. Okay. Well. I don't hang out with a bunch of gamers. Yeah. So what have you been doing? What's a Kansas guy been doing in L.A. since Thanksgiving?

What are the sights you've been seeing? What do you notice about L.A.? I pretty much just hang out at the beach. Yeah. That's fun, right? That's alright. I live in a camper. Nice. That's where you wrote that joke? Does it really actually come across as racist? No, not at all. You're just talking about white supremacy.

I mean, the whole thing is I start with white supremacy and I completely go in a different direction. It really has nothing to do with white supremacy. No, right. I know. It doesn't come across as racist. I was just talking about your overall look and the fact that you're from Kansas. It had nothing to do with even the material when I asked you if you were a racist.

Listen, if you are, this is the right club to be at. Yeah. Did you do stand-up when you were there? Yeah, see, I was in Kansas. Kansas has, like, one place. It's Stanford's. Yeah. But it's not the original Stanford's.

It's, like, a new one that's, like, a 30-minute drive out in the middle of nowhere. And I was going out there once a week. I mean, I was doing all right there. But, I mean, there was 10 people in the crowd. And there were the other comedians waiting to go up. Right. So I had to camper. And I was like, fuck it.

I'll go out here. Hell yeah. I didn't. Of course, out there, you just, you call up. And you just say, all right, I'm going to be there, and you go do stand-up. So you get to do it every week. I didn't realize out here it was such a big deal just to get three minutes. Yeah, absolutely.

Shit happens. Fuck yeah. What do you do for work? I'm with Central Casting, so nothing. Oh, interesting. You know, one of the top background artists in the world is right there next to you. I work with Central, too. I bet.

Oh, he's giving the fist pound. My little background artist. I just recently called the other day, and they're off for two fucking weeks. Oh, sorry. Yeah, it's a slow time right now, this time of year. I would recommend to you, you need to get a calling service. It's not good enough just to be hooked with Century. Does that really work? Yeah, you got it right across

the street, extras management. I'm with Jessica's A-list. You get with Joey's list. Give her one of those. They get the jobs for you. You pay them like $60, $70 a month. They get the jobs. Thank you. That's right. Perfectly timed. I don't think the listeners are too interested in becoming background artists.

Artists, too. It's funny that they call them artists. That's really the one. I even think that sandwich artist is a little bit more artsy than background artist. Again, background artists, they literally tell you, stand there and don't do a fucking thing. If you do anything, you're fired, and we're bringing in this other guy over here. I recommend it to anybody that comes to LA because

it'll show you. You'll drive all around the suburbs of LA and you'll learn a lot about where everything is. I'm learning where everything is. That's all I do is drive around and walk around. That's great. What beach are you living at? It's right at Vista Del Rey.

Marina Del Rey. That's nice area. Yeah, that's cool. I don't get fucked with. I can park there as long as I want. That's fun. It is, actually. No, I know.

I'm reading like a book a day. Wow. Pretty cool. Yeah, for a guy that looks like you, that's like insane. A book a day. I never would have guessed that. Is it an audio book or is it a... Electricity.

Okay, that's cool. I've always wanted to... I've always imagined doing that, just buying a trailer and living in your trailer. It seems so nice. No, it's not. It's not? It's not at all. It's a cool thing to do for a little while.

Have you brought a girl back to your trailer? Fuck no. The only people that sleep with homeless people are homeless people. What about a dude? You ever bring a dude? It's not really homeless, though. It's not really homeless, yeah.

You got a camper. It's home some. I mean, it's a... Home some. It's a tiny camper. It's like a walk-in closet with a bed is what it is. Where do you take a dump?

It's cool because it actually, believe it or not, it's small, but it actually has a shower and a shitter. Otherwise, I wouldn't even consider coming out here. I'm not going to be one of those bathroom shower guys. Why not?

Just because. I couldn't do that. I mean, I expect it's going to take me six months to a year to even hopefully get five minutes a week. It might take a bit longer. I could live in a camper without the shower. Good for you, man. Yeah, totally. That's great. Absolutely. Timothy shower. Good for you, man. Yeah, totally. That's great.

Absolutely. Timothy Cash. Takes a lot of balls. That was a very fun minute. Fuck yeah. There he goes. Can I say one thing for you guys? Yeah.

I would rather him talk about that. Yeah, totally. Like, that's some interesting shit than white supremacist and albinos. I mean, no offense, Nate Hurd, but I don't want to hear anything about Nate Hurd. That's true. I'd stick with the white supremacist stuff but that is interesting that he's uh you know making those sacrifices but that's actually you'd be surprised I think Timothy because most people when they get here it's sort of like the same thing or worse some people are sleeping in just back seats of cars and uh couches of people

that they don't want to be living with so at least you have your own trailer where you can just fucking crash. It's really not that bad. I've heard horror stories. But having a trailer by the beach actually sounds like something I think almost anybody could get into for a week or so. I would like it, I think. One of those big silver ones, like the really, really nice ones. My brother once did that. My brother once lived out here in an RV for a long time, actually, for like two or three years.

But it was huge. It was like a tour bus. So it was actually awesome. It had four beds in it. Wow. That's awesome. Yeah. But there you go.

What I love about Timothy Cash, I mean, I'm sure you know that he wouldn't have a Twitter. Smoke cloud. What he wrote in where normally comedians sign up and give their Twitter handle is just nope he didn't leave it blank or anything he was basically making a statement like I'm not that guy anyway

so that's fun Timothy Cash that's a great name any relation to Johnny nope that could be your get her done just nope anyway you don't be your get her done Just nope Anyway you don't need a get her done You know I keep hearing that theme come up When they get done that they say

You should have just talked about your real life And I think that's something everybody should take to heart Is talk about your real life Yeah Did that just come to you It only It's like you did that in Revelation over there. Well, I keep hearing it over and over, you know,

how Earl said that to him right now. That stuff was more interesting about being on the beach homeless. No, I told him to stick with the white supremacist stuff. Or Willie said that. I also told him to stick with the white supremacist stuff. Go with what you love. I mean, go with what you love. Fuck yeah. I say do go with what... Fuck yeah.

I say do both. Do it all. Because that can get you into that. Anyway. This is a new name. Put your hands together for Chelsea Groh. Hey, guys. So my roommate came in the apartment the other day,

and she was making a lot of noise, woke me up. And I was like, girl, what's going on? She was like, oh, I'm really sorry. I'm on, like, three different drugs. I'm tweaking right now. So I'm sorry if I woke you up. I was like, okay, girl, that's fine. I don't really care about all that.

Just please don't eat my face, you know? Just don't eat my face. Because know? Just don't eat my face. Because, like, I don't know. Like, y'all know about the guy who did the bath salts to dine on that homeless man's face, which I find really shocking. Those had to be some low-quality bath salts to make a homeless man's face look appetizing.

I don't know. But then I don't even understand what possesses somebody to do bath salts. That doesn't even sound like a fun drug to do. You know, the reason you convince people to do drugs is because they have cool names associated with them. Like Ecstasy, right? I want to go there. You know, that sounds like a land full of ponies and high credit scores. The McRib

is always back. Like, I want to go to Ecstasy. And even like Crystal Meth. You know, Crystal Meth sounds like the name of a Mississippi girl lost in Walmart. Right? Alright, I think that's about my time. Nailed it. That was

exactly a minute. I'd get to that back end of stuff quicker, immediately. I feel like there's a lot of setup on bath salts. I don't think anybody's going to eat your face because you go from one thing to the other but I think the jokes are really on the back end. I don't think you need to make it real to eat your face. Because you go from one thing to the other. But I think the jokes are really on the back end.

I don't think you need to make it real to get into it. You know? You could get into it almost anyway, if that makes sense. But the names thing is funny, like that crystal meth and all that. So what was I thinking? Oh, what was the other thing? Fucking bath salts, bath salts. Yeah, I just feel like it's a little bit... It's old at this point.

...old to make the eating the face reference, because that had to be at least a year ago. Yeah, it was a year and a half ago. Okay. So I'd lose the eating the face and get right into that other stuff. But yeah, what are other drugs? There's other ones.

Molly. Yeah, there you go. What does that sound like? That sounds like a girl wearer. What do you think, Patriot? What would you say? Yeah. I don't know how to phrase it,

but if you could work that in somehow, it might be nice. Thank you. That was so useless. You should do something about that Molly thing. I hear the kids are eating it. That's what he does. He just gives suggestions.

None of his robotics can compute how to make anything funny. He just comes up with premises. That's a good one, though. Molly, what's another drug? I had one for Coke, but I cut it out because it was a minute. What is it? Just like, you know, I started off saying, like, oh, Coke, that sounds like, you know,

somebody said, hey, let's go in the bathroom and do Coke. Like, oh, sure, that sounds like a light, refreshing beverage. You know, like, let me go in the bathroom and do some Coke with you. I don't know. But, like, I just maybe that's weak, but Keep that one out. Okay. But I like your route on that. Keep going with it.

I see what you're doing there, and I agree with Tony at the beginning that you have so much setup that is unnecessary because I'm so worried. I'm thinking about bath salts, and then you don't have the listing of the drugs. The funniest part was the crystal meth girl. Just get into that. I feel like that's what you want to do anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it came from a true story, obviously. My roommate really was

tweaking on a few drugs. Right. And then I thought like, it's useless information at this point. Right. Okay. So that doesn't have to do with the things that end up

banging in the end. So it actually ends up taking away from it because I'm still waiting for the roommate and the three drugs. Like there's this information, these little fun facts

that you're giving us. And I'm still thinking of abortion for some reason. Right. I know. The roommates are involved. Jesus. There's a miscarriage

happening in this bit. I don't know. Okay. Fuck yeah. Very good stage presence. I really enjoy it. I've seen you before. You're getting a lot better.

Oh, thank you. What would Oxycontin, what does Oxycontin make you think of? Like Oxypads? Yeah, that's what I think of too. Like face cleaning. I think of that 3-6 Mafia song. Oxycontin. What does Oxycontin make you think of? Like Oxypads? Yeah, that's what I think of too. Like face cleaning. I think of that 3-6 Mafia song.

Oxycontin. Lil' White? Oxycontin. Seems like... Lil' White? Lil' White. That's a rapper's name. Lil' White.

With a Y. Really? Yeah. I always listen to... Alright. Big blocks. Anyway, it's a rap joke, people. Rap.

Remember, it was okay that I said that because it was rap was the key topic there. Anyway, moving on. Fuck yeah. That's interesting how you spell your name. C-H-E-L-S-E. That's Chelsea? Yeah, my mom took the A off because she thought it looked too white. What's wrong with that?

That's what she told me. That's why she just said the EA just looked white, so she took it off. What? Well, I would have left the EA on it myself. When did she tell you this? She told me this when I started school. I was like, Mom, why is my name spelled like the traditional Chelsea?

She said, Oh, girl, that looked too white. I'd take that A off. That is so funny. That is such a strong black woman thing, right? Yeah. To come up with a different name or something like that. Like other names. What was the one, that video that came out the other day?

The Sharkisha? Oh, yeah. Sharkisha, yeah. Where did you grow up? I grew up in Northern Virginia, right outside D.C. Wow. Yeah. Is that like a hoodie area?

No, no. My mom's from Detroit, though. She grew up like eight miles so that's you know gotcha yeah swishy so that's where that comes from but no i'm from like suburbs outside of dc so yeah well awesome there you go chelsea okay at c the funny six c the letter c that's what it's at c the funny g my last name c the funny six. C, the letter C. That's what? It's at C the funny G, my last name. C the funny G. Sorry. There you go. Your Gs look like sixes. There you go.

Drugs, the word. There's something to that Oxycontin one. It seems like I was trying to figure that one out. It seems like Oxycontin would be a cotton ball that you clean your face with, right? Yeah. Like that Clearasil thing, whatever? Right. Yeah.

Maybe smoking it when you're done, when it's all dirty. I don't know. Maybe wiping your face after the load's on it. Yeah, there you go. Look at you. What? I love how you confidently take a sip of water after that.

Need some more water, Earl? You can have mine. Yeah, yeah, man. It's good for the sperm count. You're a growing man. You got that right. No, not that way. Patriot, you have mine. You're a growing man. You got that right. No, not that way. Patriot, you having fun over there? How do you feel?

You feel those lights on you at all? You okay? Yeah, I'm looking beautiful. All right. Put your hands together for Derek Gruber, everybody. Ooh la la. Could it be possible? It's been so long.

Oh, this is so exciting. It's been weeks, basically, but when somebody misses their spot, that means that they get permanently blacklisted from the show. It will not be a Merry Christmas for Derek. No commitment. Yikes. Poor Derek. No commitment. Yikes. That's a permanent ban from the show and a three-month ban from the comedy store.

Whoa. Yeah, Bobby Lee made that last part up. All right. Anyway, put your hands together for Frank Castillo. Oh, yeah. He's here. He knows better. Much died. Hey, guys. He knows better. I almost died.

Hey guys. Good to see everyone. I was reading the newspaper today. It was a really sad story. And it made me realize that I have a lot of anxieties. Especially when I was reading the story. There was a six year old. His dad got assassinated at his birthday party.

And it was really, really sad. And then I realized it was because they dressed up as clowns. I thought that was kind of funny. I thought, what was that must be like when they're interviewing that kid? It's like, what happened? Well, it was terrible. It was in the middle of the balloon animal trick. All I wanted was a giraffe.

Instead, he made me an orphan. All right. It was in the middle of the balloon animal trick. All I wanted was a giraffe. Instead, he made me an orphan. All right. Did you think that with laughs that was going to be a minute? Yeah. With laughs, you're going to last 10 seconds. 10 seconds left. Felt like an hour.

Still have 10 seconds left. At least two for me, sir. You still have 10 seconds. Anything you least two for me, sir. You still have ten seconds. Anything you want to say? Oh, man. Nothing that I could say. Can you tell that joke when I'm giving like ten minutes? They are right. I actually messed up on like the first line,

and then I was like, fuck, and then I tried to say it again. What were you going to say? Originally, I was going to say, I have a lot of anxieties. I freak to save him. What were you going to say? Originally, I was going to say, I have a lot of anxieties. I freak out about stuff. Mostly, I have a fear of clowns, and then I read this story about the six-year-old whose dad got assassinated at his birthday party,

and then I started laughing. I was like, that was funny. Is that true? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so a six-year-old's dad got assassinated at his birthday party. And the dad was a clown. No, no, no, no. That's where I fucked up.

The assassins were dressed up as clowns. Gotcha. That's why that was true. Oh, much better. Wow. Did they get away? Actually, no. I don't know.

In a little car? With the big shoes? With giant shoes just running down the street as fast as they can. Was there a Colin Carter balloon animal? Right, exactly. Would they shoot him with a water gun? He drowned to death in a water gun. They just threw beanbags at him.

There you go. I think we just found Bin Laden with that bomb. Wow, that's interesting. I'm trying to... I think you get right into it just by saying, I'm scared of clowns, especially more than ever, because, bum. There you go.

Instead of, I get anxieties a lot, and one of the things that gave me anxiety was this article. I read the other, see all that? It's just like, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh, guh. When you get just bang, bang, bang, and then people are like really waiting. That's great, too. And then you could add any of those little things that we just said, you know.

But there's also just like so much. Yeah. There's so much to be made fun of about a clown assassin. You have to be very clear, too. Because it was still confusing when you corrected yourself. Yeah. So you're afraid of clowns. You read a story about clowns killing a kid's father at a party. Yeah. So you're afraid of clowns. You read a story about clowns

killing a kid's father at a party. Yeah. Okay. The police sketch looks like Ronald McDonald. So what you would feel is like that justifies me still being scared of clowns. Exactly. Well, yeah.

Except this kid's fear is like... Or that's the worst way to develop a fear of clowns. Exactly. Except this kid's fears. That's the worst way to develop a fear of clowns. I was scared of Killer Clowns from Mars. That was the movie that freaked me out of clowns. But that would be the worst. That was the first thing that scared you? Of clowns? Yeah.

I feel like it always starts in the dentist's office. Really? Did your dentist have pictures of clowns on the walls? What the fuck? No. What kind of dentist did you go to? Did your dentist have pictures of clowns on the walls? What the fuck? No, no. No? What kind of dentist did you go to?

I went to a creepy dentist. You and the dolls in the house and your fucking clown dentist? I swear to God, I'm not even fucking with you. I spent most of my childhood scared. I'm not even kidding.

Clowns? During the day, I was afraid of robbers and at nighttime, I was afraid of fucking dolls and shit. Wow. I wasn't really that afraid of clowns

but I remember the thing in the dentist's office which was there to cheer the kids up and it was fucking miserable. Anything that's smiling at you is scary. Whether it's a clown or a doll or... I think the movie It is the thing that really made me scared. Once I saw that I was like

oh I don't look at clowns the same anymore right fucking Stephen King so I see what you're what you're trying to do is you're trying to compare your fear how you got your fear for clowns compared to how this kid got his fear of clowns right and maybe the fact you know you could even say that the thing that started it with you is the killer clowns from out of space and now you're you know you could say just like I only thought killer clowns existed in outer space without saying that that's one of your favorite shows that could just be your way of getting that joke in by saying you know you know or at the end or at the beginning that could come in at any point because that's true to you you're the one that said killer clowns from outer space which was a terribly shitty movie remember that anyway it is it is a funny

story though i see what you're saying if i'm reading that news article like the like the Remember that? Anyway. It is a funny story, though. I see what you're saying. If I'm reading that news article, like the party people, like you paid for entertainment, and they end up killing you. Oh, my God. The title for the newspaper is actually what caught me, and it was Six Clown Assassins. And that's what it was.

That was the title. It was like Six Clown Assassins. And then I was like, I have to read this. And then I read it's what it was. That was the title. It was like six clown assassins. Then I was like, I have to read this. Then I read it and it was ridiculous. Where did it happen? It was actually in Mexico. That's not a surprise. When you say actually in Mexico,

just know that I'm 90% at Mexico. It would be like, actually it was in Canada would make sense. That would have been shocking. Happened in Iceland. It was actually in the North Pole. Mexican clowns.

Jesus, how many Mexican clowns can you fit in a tiny car, right? Exactly. There you go. Yeah, that's really it. There you go, right there. Mexican killer clown. I thought they only exist in outer space. Turns out they exist in Mexico.

Bobbity, bobbity, bobbity. Those other eight things that we said that were really funny. There you go. Frank Castillo, everybody. See, that's a good one. Why couldn't we have Frank go first? I know. I'm still mourning this dead baby.

Me too. God bless that baby. Have you imagined that girl going up? That was like the immaculate abortion. Could you imagine that girl just sitting on the toilet and having a miscarriage? Immaculate abortion? That's awesome. Let's not go back.

Let's not go back. Frank Castillo, that was great. That's a fucking great news article you found. Killer clowns in Mexico. That's Frank C Comedy on Twitter. If you want to add more to let Frank know what's up. Here's an interesting one.

Nick Scott Geyer. That's a new name. Oh, wow. Here he is. What great music to bring up. Pick the worst song ever. Put your hands together for Nick, everybody. Just some good music.

I like that. You know, it's so funny. I was thinking, I'm like, God damn, I hope I don't get picked. And right when you think that, you get picked. Well, let's see what I want to talk about today. Well, I just moved. Anyone here live in the Valley?

We all do, right? We all do. We all live in the Valley. Well, I just moved to the Valley, and I'm a gypsy. I don't really like renting at apartments with people with friends. I like to live in people's houses in a room so I don't need to buy a fridge or I don't need to buy a bed. It's already there. It's already there for me. Well, I just moved into a new house in Sherman Oaks with this guy. He's a Jewish OCD guy. And apparently he's like, yeah, we have this other roommate there

he's from turkey his name is burke and i'm like okay all right so i'm expecting to see this guy um he gets up at like about 5 a.m and i try to get a look at him from outside and i look and i see like a girl with long hair and leggings and i'm thinking okay i'm not really sure if that's burke i mean maybe it's just his girlfriend so then the next day I see him or her get up again. And someone's... That's a long story, man. It is a long story. That's a lot of setup.

That was actually a minute and five. What's about to happen? I still don't know if it's a guy or a girl. Hey-oh. Shit. I've been there. You don't know if who's a guy or a girl? My roommate.

I don't know if it's like... Oh, really? If I should say, are you Burke? Or just say, hi, my name is Nick. Okay. How long have you lived there? I've lived there about two weeks now. And you just moved from where?

Hollywood Hills. Hollywood Hills. He's a gypsy. How long have you been in LA? Five years. Wow. And now you're in the Valley? Yeah.

Can't you check? Wait, so you can't tell the sex of your roommate. I mean, can you go into the, like, see if there's any tampons laying around? Has it farted in front of you? You can't see its dick? After it takes a shit, go in there and smell it. You could tell the difference. Check for Adam's apple.

Wow, I've never heard of that one before. Like, there's two separate things. There's, like, a Venus, like, razor by the shower, but then there's cologne right by the sink. So I'm not sure. Maybe he's a fag. Oh my god. Earl. Jesus Christ. Transgender. You really went

for it, but I gotta give you credit on that. Venus razor and what's the other thing? He had cologne. Yeah, gay guys do those things. I'm in West Hollywood. What kind of cologne are we talking about? Are we talking about Calvin Klein?

It's Calvin Klein. It's a boy. No girl is going to wear Calvin Klein. I rest my case. That's just a cheap razor. Dude's a cheap ass. Venus razor? That's what they use to shave their balls

so it looks bigger. You know a cheap ass. Venus razor? That's what they use to shave their balls so it looks bigger. You know a lot, Earl. What do you think it really is? I honestly, I thought it was just his girlfriend, but then the amount of times I've seen the same leggings and long hair, I'm not sure and I can never see him. I'm never there at the same time. How were you in the Hollywood Hills before this?

How'd you get that place? I was living with a friend, and he had a room, and he said, you don't need to give me money, just like a little bit. Oh. Right. I bet. Ding, ding, ding. And maybe I wasn't so wrong after all.

My God. How does that work out? I mean, does he just tell you when, and you just say you when? Exactly. What? You're like his sex life? I'm joking. I'm completely joking. All right. Now we're crossing the line. That'd be a better profession than what I'm already Exactly. What? You're like a sex slave? I'm completely joking.

All right. Now we're crossing the line. That'd be a better profession than what I'm already doing. What's that? What are you doing? No. I work at a technology company. That's cool.

So you make money. I make a little bit of money. It just sucks the life out of you. What kind of technology? Like the phone you have right now. An iPhone? You work at Apple? So you work at the Verizon store. Are you An iPhone? You work at Apple? Are you afraid to say you work at Apple?

Why'd you stop talking and start shaking your head? No, like a phone like that. Kind of a phone just like the iPhone. Samsung. Possibly. Can you not say the company you work for? I can't say the company. It's Samsung.

So anyway, where do you work at the company you work for? I can't say the company. It's Samsung. Wow. So anyway, where do you work at Samsung? I work at a technology company in the Beverly Center. Oh. I live right by the Beverly Center. So you work at True Religion? I do. Interesting. How long have you been doing stand-up?

A year now. interesting. How long have you been doing standup? Um, a year now. So for his joke, he just needs to cut off the first 40, 50 minutes,

50, 50 seconds. And even if, and even if you do find out if it's a girl or a man, well, how does that make you feel? Right. Yeah. You gotta have something.

Yeah. I mean like where we're getting there and they're like, okay, what is it then? And you're like, I don't know. Like, well,

fuck, why did I listen? It's just like, it's just like one of the like, okay, what is it then? And you're like, I don't know. Like, well, fuck, why did I listen? It's just like, it's just like one of the random questions I have like about the whole living situation. So just even have one thing answered is like, okay,

well at least like now I know. Like, okay. So there's no air of mystery where I want to be like, hey girl, or hey, like Burke.

Like, I don't want to say, hey Burke, where are you going? That's really the thing's name? Burke? Yeah, Burke.

Burke. That is a tough call. That could be hit or run. I mean, that's right on the line. That's why I'm confused. And I don't want to be rude. I don't want to be... Burke.

Because it's like, that sounds like a guy's name, but I also think the only person that I've heard of is like Delta Burke. And even though it's their last name, you should start right there and then... That's designing women. There's like all your investigation, everything, you know. The whole investigation. All of it, yeah. I don't want to hear about the backstory. No one cares about that. It's a lot of backstory. all your investigation, everything, you know. The whole investigation. All of it, yeah.

I don't want to hear about the back story and no one cares about that. It's a lot of back stories. Just get to it quicker, you know. Remember they had that character on Saturday Night Live called Pat? You didn't know if it was a girl or a guy? Yeah.

I knew. You could just... Oh, there you go. You could just... There you go, Patriot. Good job. You could just Google Burke's name and it'll come up and tell you

if it's a male or a female. I did that. Not necessarily. I tried doing it on Facebook. You work at a technology company. Figure it out. You're right. I probably should have a little more confused.

Just Google it, man. Bing it, bro. Real or fake eyebrows? Who are you talking to? The Patriot? Those are fake. I'm talking about the guy, the girl. No, this guy.

The guy that's on stage right now. Does that kid have real or fake eyebrows? Oh, does it? Oh, Burke. Yeah. Okay. I didn't really get a good look at it. Like, I was half asleep, and I looked outside.

It was like Bigfoot. You were like, oh, the... It was like in the morning, and I just caught a glimpse. It's like a mythical creature. And then I left my door open one time just for him or her to specifically walk by, and I saw, and I just saw the same leggings and long hair walk by it. So I'm like, leggings and long hair? It could have been Bon Jovi.

It could have been. That's true. Maybe this is Burke's double life is he's actually Bon Jovi, and he just needed a roommate in the Valley. Could have been Patriot's one of his old band members. I'm thinking just it's transgender, probably. You know, Jared Leto is playing... Sounds like that'd be a cheap roommate to have.

Jared Leto is playing a transgender character in this new film, Dallas Buyers Club. Could be Oscar worthy. That's that AIDS movie. If you watch it backwards, it ends better. Oh my god. Alright, Nick Nick Good luck man I don't know

That's an interesting one Figure out what it is And have More jokes Less set up Merry Christmas Nick Scott Geyer We didn't even get to

A punchline with that That was interesting You guys remember When you first started out Were there any jokes That you did back then That you Were embarrassed about

Most of them You can't believe you did? All of them. Do you remember one specifically that you'd be embarrassed to say right now? I remember the second time I went up on stage, we had five minutes, and I timed out five minutes in my bedroom, thinking, I got it. And then when I first went up there, some guy goes, you look

stupid! I was like, I'm not prepared for this. You look stupid? I ruined my whole five minutes minutes i timed it for five minutes that threw me off has that happened ever since then oh i mean i get heckled all the time so i'm that you look stupid yeah i've never heard that before and i mean at the time i don't think you look stupid why what did you do i think i i don't know i said something like him i'm like i think i want to about sex. And then you tell this whole long story that you're not even really talking about sex.

And some guy was like, you look stupid. I'm like, yeah, I do. Yeah. You won. That's funny. Patriot, did you ever do anything like in between songs to try to be funny or entertaining? Or was it just those songs?

I usually was getting my next outfit on. Because like if I was doing Mailman, I had to get my Mailman shirt. Can you imagine? Imagine you're at a concert with that, with the kind of music you heard earlier, and in between those shitty songs, you have to

wait for him to go through a costume change. Wardrobe change! So he comes back out in a different outfit, still just bombing his ass off. Keep in mind, it took a while to hand out all those bananas. Before the Share My Banana song, I'd be throwing the bananas out like it was a crowd like this. I'd throw all the bananas out, everybody get situated, start going like this, and then the song starts. You know, one thing that made it to the Kill Tony movie trailer was the fact that you stuck what you call banana, into a vacuum cleaner three times.

Yeah. And you finished inside the vacuum cleaner. That was when I was younger. We all make mistakes when we're younger. What do you think's the worst fire hazard? You doing that then or you being covered in those Christmas lights right now? Probably both. Did anything crazy ever happen?

What are you talking about? When you had an orgasm inside of a vacuum cleaner. Well, it sucks it dry, cleans it off. You're ready to go on your way after that. Just use a wet vac, right? Only costs 50 cents for an orgasm. It'd be so funny to see that weird porno, like you in that outfit fucking a vacuum cleaner.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe it's just me. All right. Fuck yeah. Nick Scott Geyer went from the Hollywood Hills to the Valley. What a downgrade, huh? He said he's a gypsy. I guess.

A fancy way of saying couch surfer, for sure. Yeah, definitely. Not even that good. Gypsies are an interesting people. You know about them? What do you know about gypsies? They recycle all my shit for me. Really? Yeah. They're in are an interesting people. You know about them? What do you know about gypsies? They recycle all my shit for me. Really?

Yeah. They're in my trash every night. Clark Mc... Wait, what? They have good scarves. There you go. For those of you interested in the scarving industry, they do have good scarves. Clark McMakin, everybody.

Here he is. Yeah, give it up for Clark. What's up, guys? What's up, guys? What's up, internet? All right, wow. Drinking. My friend used the term worst case scenario the other day. I've always found that term a little underwhelming.

I said, hey, man, ask her out. Worst case scenario. She says no. I'm a little more creative than that. Hey, man, ask her out. Worst case scenario, she says no. I'm a little more creative than that. Hey man, ask her out. Worst case scenario, you date for a little while, she gets pregnant, you get married for the sake of the baby, she turns abusive, goes to hit you one day, falls down, breaks her head, you get blamed, spend the rest of your life in jail, and when you're being violated in the shower, your only thought is, my child's never going to love me. and when you're being violated in the shower,

your only thought is, my child's never going to love me. Worst case scenario. I saw a 70-year-old woman with a rape whistle, and my first thought was, wow, that's optimistic. Followed very closely by my second thought, which was, oh my God, Clark, you're an ass.

That is literally the opposite of optimism. You can't get further away than that. Thank you. Clark McMakin. That's an interesting last name. Is that your real last name? McMakin? That's so cool.

Fuck yeah. So I'd lose the end part of the rape whistle thing. You got it on the first part, right? I didn't get that last thing. Did you? Did I miss something? The opposite of optimism? Yeah, I mean, I would cut that last part out. It's smart, but I don't think it's funny. Easy.

Yeah. The 70-year-old woman with the rape whistle. You'll fit in well here at this place with that joke. Yeah. I forgot what it was like to hear so many dark jokes, you know? That's so funny. And God agrees? There you go.

He agrees, guys. Like, can we talk about abortion and rape? Did someone's prayer? Did someone's prayer? Oh, my God. degrees, guys. Can we talk about abortion and rape? Did someone's prayer did someone's prayer for you? That was a shout out from the miscarriage ghost of Sarah Penny.

That's for all the AIDS jokes we've done up here tonight. Yeah. So maybe there's something about like a 70 year old lady with a rape whistle to sham lung capacity to blow it? Maybe she gets it confused with a life alert.

Is that a rape alert? Yeah, I was thinking that. That's exactly what I was thinking. Maybe she's just fiddling for which necklace. Like, fuck, what disaster is happening? I don't know. And what was the first one? The first one's funny.

The first one was the worst case scenario. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That one's funny. The first one was the worst case scenario. Oh, yeah, that one's, yeah, that's good. Yeah, that's good. That's one of those jokes that gets an applause break in a real comedy room because it's da-ba-dee, da-ba-dee, da-ba-dee, and then it summons that at the end. But fuck yeah.

So 70-year-old with a rape whistle. What would you think if you saw a 70-year-old with a rape whistle? I'd get hard. Big Earl, everybody. Especially when you know it's already happened once. Yeah, yeah. You can't catch AIDS twice. Okie dokie.

Fuck yeah. I don't really have any notes. I've seen you a long time ago. I remember you did Hot Lock two years ago. Back when you hosted. Yeah, Willie, you get to see everybody. I've seen you a long time ago. I remember you did a potluck about two years ago. Back when you hosted. Yeah, Willie, you get to see everybody. I know. It's been a while.

And again, like Chelsea, you've come a long way. Very, very funny. Thank you. So give it up for Clark, everyone. Tony hosted for me once, too, but he has no recollection of it. And that's the right response. You're saying I brought you up while I was hosting? Oh, sure.

And you had the same last name then? Yeah. Really? I haven't changed. I haven't got married since then. The reason why I remember him, I did not get married and changed my name since then. Well, even if you got married,

you'd keep your last name, right? That's the plan. Okay, just making sure. That not always happens, by the way. I know two guys that took the woman's name. Well, those guys are giant pussies. Yeah, they are. That's like the most... I've heard people talk about that before, and that took the woman's name. Well, those guys are giant pussies. Yeah, they are. That's like the most.

I've heard people talk about that before, and that's so gross to me. Like how much do you have to hate your father to take your – how much do you have to hate where you came from to be like, you know what, I'm just going to take your last name? Nothing on that. I mean, some people would do that. Would you do it? I would think about it.

You wouldn't think about it. I would think about it. It depends on the girl. There you it. You wouldn't think about it. I would think about it. It depends on the girl. There you go. You're so full of shit. I swear to God. I mean, if this girl's like Oprah, yeah, sure, I'll take her name. Willie Winfrey?

Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. I absolutely would. You would not do that. In a heartbeat. Willie Winfrey and your career is over. Man, I'll be standing. You'd be standing right next to the Patriot over there.

Wait, who's that celebrity? In extras. There's that celebrity? There's a celebrity. Patriot gets so disappointed. I'm talking about as a background extra, not as the... Isn't there a celebrity that recently did it that took the woman's name? Was it somebody pretty famous, I think, like John Stanton? Who? Brad Pitt.

Brad. Oh, yeah. Jay-Z. Jay-Z. Jay-Z. What are we just naming random? Yeah. Willie Tyler. It is it?

Fuck yeah. There he goes. Clark McMakin. He's on Twitter at Clark McMakin. C-L-A-R-K-E. Good job, Clark. M-C-M-A-K-I-N. I don't really think that.

There's no way that's real. That's just real nice. He's my favorite so far. I liked him a lot. There's no way that's real. That's just real nice. It's my favorite so far. I liked it a lot. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, this is fun. I'm still over that abortion thing at the beginning. Yeah, I know.

Normally it's like this the whole time, but we had a dead baby on our hands tonight. This was a special episode of Kill Baby. Put your hands together for Mike Donovan, everybody. Here he comes. Deep in the gullet. How's everybody, man? How's everybody's credit?

Mine is shit. I'm leaving my social security number everywhere I go now. Just hoping someone steals my identity. Can't get any worse. It's been a rough week. My miscarried baby committed suicide. Plan B pill. Can't leave those things around. So,

recently celebrated a birthday. Wow, thank you for that. Appreciate it. Oh, yeah. 42. For a gift, I gave myself diabetes. I didn't mean to. But that's what happens when you have unprotected sex with a four-jepon white woman. You get diabetes.

Okay, apparently this is Jenny Craig meeting here. I'm sorry. It's not a white woman. Oh, wow. That was... That here. I'm sorry. It's a little white woman. Oh, wow. That killed. I thought... It sure did. This is... Wow.

Can I get the meow sound? I'm dying. Yes, thank you. Thank you. Okay, apparently everyone has diabetes. I apologize. Oh, no. Okie dokie.

There he goes. Mike Donovan. has diabetes. I apologize. Okie dokie. There he goes. Mike Donovan. Fuck yeah. Alright. Where are you from? Connecticut. Connecticut. How long have you been here? Two years. Really? Do you want to stand up? No, acting. What happened to your voice? Oh, you're talking to Mike.

Yeah. I'm sorry. Two years. Acting, but now I'm doing some writing because... Just to stay busy. Wait a minute, you're writing? Oh, that's a zinger. No, no, no. That's a real question.

Yeah, I ran for a show out in New York called Cheap Seats at School. Yeah! I like how you said that. You guys really like Cheap Seats at School. I thought you were going to say you wrote on free agents. I'm going to get rid of that diabetes thing.

You caught it too as you said it. I don't know what it was. I think it was a silence that really made it. It's just not that good. You know what's funny, man? Do you have diabetes? Yeah. You really do? I really do. You know? You know, it's funny, man. No. Do you have diabetes? Yeah. Do you really?

Yeah. You really do? I really do. Did you catch it or did you have it? Which kind do you have? My parents gave it to me. I bet. Fuck yeah.

Fat gene. There you go. See, the truthful stuff. I love that. There you go. I love the energy. When he first came up here, I was laughing the way he ran down. Yeah, it's the energy, right?

But then I lost it with the, ah. I mean, even the joke that you wrote made me giggle that you wrote about the abortion or the... Yeah, well, calling out the awkwardness, I was waiting for somebody to do that. Thank you. Well, that's one good thing I did. That's nice. That's true. There you go.

If we're pointing out one good thing you did, that would be correct. It's very Brian Holtzman. Very much. Very much Brian Holtzman Extremely confident For a guy in sweatpants I like that You know

Most guys from Connecticut I like that Casual look We know it's a casual look It's definitely I didn't wear shorts It could have been worse I could have

And a tank top Oh no We don't want What do you wear During the summer That Mesh shorts Tank top

Cut off jeans I feel like you're like Always watering your front lawn Oh man Oh, no, we don't want that. What do you wear during the summer? That. Mesh shorts, tank top. Cut-off jeans. I feel like you're always watering your front lawn. Or getting the newspaper. You look like that kind of guy. Or getting the newspaper just over and over again. He's like, I'm going for a jog. He puts that on and gets some coffee. That's it.

Going for a jog. He just says that. You definitely seem very wife-beater wearing-esque. You seem like you wear wife-beater. I was going to guess Jersey. I was surprised that you said Connecticut. Yeah, I lived in New York. So six years, New Jersey a little bit.

So it's there. Italian thing. It's ghost and fucking up fat diabetes jokes. That's what I do. You know that one about the miscarried baby that commits suicide? How did you come up with that one? Oh, my God, Patriot. Are you serious?

And I heard it, and then I thought, wait, no one's really touched on that. Right. And I'm like, someone needs to touch on it. True. I should have left after that. Just walk up. No? Well, it's just, you know, this is one of those examples where some jokes that are unbelievable can hit,

but some jokes, if it seems like it's dabbling in both, and it's like, does he have or what? And it sort of gets lost in translation. It's like you came over to that energy and you did that riff on the room, and then you realize, oh, shit, I got to tell material. It doesn't hold up to this. And that's true. And I have so much other good material, and I just forgot it after the silence.

So it kind of threw me. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just like maybe a year. Maybe a year? What do you mean? It's like sporadic. It was a little bit in New York, and then I picked it back up again here a few months ago.

Are you having fun doing it? Not right now. I want to kill myself. I want to take a plan B. Other times you're... I like your personality though. Me too. Thank you, man. Yeah, it's very likable.

Can't you just stand up here and just like hang out and then like... No, hit the bricks. Oh, wow. Wow! Fuck yeah. There he goes, everybody.

Mike Donovan. Welcome. Glad to have you on. Keep it up. I would talk about that stuff about that real shit. How you look like a guy that would wear a wife beater and mow your lawn and get your newspaper.

There's something funny about that. About wearing sweat pants, mesh shorts. That's who you really are. He's refreshing too. I want to see more of that guy. Good personality. You didn't catch diabetes from having sex with that. It was confusing on multiple levels.

You're not skinny enough to make that joke. You know what I mean? Damn. You said diabetes. I don't understand. Right. I didn't get it. It's true.

It's a fat woman. It's confusing for a few different reasons. Thank you. You're welcome. Just want to make sure you never try that one again. Yeah, please don't. Sometimes we give people things that add on, and then sometimes it's just more important to just –

sometimes the best offense is a great defense. There you go. So this is the part where we have our two regulars that come on every week with the new 60 Seconds, and it's always fun to watch them grow. You've both seen them, so it's exciting for you to see them again since this is the return of Willie and Earl. In no particular order this week, let's go with first,

hey, you know her from the Kill Tony podcast and also the Kill Tony podcast. Put your hands together for Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Here she is. I've been going through the motions a lot. A lot of procrastination. Nothing's getting done. I want to work out, and instead of actually working out,

I'll just put it on my to-do list. I'll get dressed up to go to the gym, but I won't go to the gym. Just going through the motions, guys. I'll wash a dish, a pan. I won't fully wash it, right? I just let that shit soak. You ever do that? You ever just let that shit soak so you feel like you're doing something with your life? But you're not. You're just letting old crusted eggs sit at the bottom of a pan my roommate came in and said what the fuck is this you're gonna do that and i said i'm just letting it soak sometimes that's what you gotta do guys all right i love it as always uh there's there's something about your cadence it's

you're so weird and goofy and you know it took weeks for me to notice that that's exactly who you are. And I know Red Band feels the same way because I notice that each week we both start, no matter what you're saying, laughing at about 20 or 30 seconds in contagiously. But that soak thing is really – that's something that I've noticed even myself doing once in a while. I remember my mom always telling me, let it soak and it'll come off easier when you wash. And it's like, you know, yeah, that's a procrastination trap if there's ever been one before. Then all of a sudden you have a little. Every three days I'll just add more soap. It's like, I just did the dishes again.

It'll just kill whatever's in this Petri bowl that I've let marinate in my kitchen. Man, have you ever had the dishes so bad where it's just like gelatin, black gelatin? Like it just turns into like jello, like black mold jello? No. No, that's just you. Don't think I have. I used to be that way when I was younger. I let it soak.

But when I got older, I realized it's just best to clean it right after you get done. Just take care of it and it's done. You don't have to worry about it. Sometimes you've got those scrambled eggs that are hard to clean off, but just do it right then. Patriot, how old are you? I'm 47. I just had a birthday on December 4th. Put your hands together.

Happy birthday, man. I didn't tell anybody. I'm kind of humble that way. Oh, you just told us. I wanted you to know telling, buddy. I'm kind of humble that way. Oh, you just told us. Well, I wanted you to know that I just turned 47, so it wouldn't sound so bad. Happy birthday!

Happy birthday, Patriot. 47's a good year. I look young for my age, though. Hell yeah, you do. Well, you get other 47-year-olds across the country. How many of them could wear this costume? No, you're damn right.

And I see you in the background of everything, man. Yeah. It's awesome. You know what really made me happy? You got to talk with Joey about me, and Lee Syed actually saw some of my screenshots. I was amazed. Yep. You are really doing good things for me, Tony.

You keep telling all these comedians about me. I love you for that, guy. What are you, Dean Del Rey? No, thank you so much. Tony, guys. We're having these comedians about me. I love you for that, guy. What are you, Dean Del Rey? Thank you so much. We're having a Christmas moment here together. I love it. No, it's true. I'm so glad that we joined forces 30 weeks ago and it's exciting to be where I know it's

weird because I threw Christmas lights on you earlier and taped an elf hat to your helmet. But I really love you too, Patriot. Yeah, it's a mutual thing. I bet it is. We're going to go get a room. That's what we're going to do. We. Yeah, it's a mutual thing. I bet it is. Yeah, we're going to go get a room. That's what we're going to do. We're going to go get a hotel room.

Go get an abortion together. I got a man crush on you, Tony. See, I was right. Anyway, so yeah, that's fun. I'd stretch out the soaking thing, right? You ever soak dishes, Earl? You live by yourself in a big fancy apartment. What's that like?

You ever soak dishes? That's exactly how I soak dishes, Earl? You live by yourself in a big fancy apartment. What's that like? You ever soak dishes? Fuck yeah. That's exactly how I wash dishes, so I really liked it. I wanted to just start out with soaking. I think you should do that. But it's like I didn't feel like it was developed enough. I kept thinking about soaking like all last week, and I only had a little bit about soaking.

So then I was like, fuck, it's not full. And I want to do it for a minute. Maybe you could do different levels of soaking, you know, like I noticed that one thing that I've done before is like, you know, I come home late. Bobbity, bye. You know, I eat something, say out of a bowl. I'll fill it up with water. Right. And leave it in the sink yeah and then

get back to it the next day or whatever it is you know what i mean or if it happens in the morning vice versa but anyway but sometimes what i'll do after that is and there's also that soap thing that he does that's that's crazy but also is i'll fill up the whole sink with water yeah after that so it's almost like a refresh. And then you're like, well, now the edges are getting soaked for the first time, not just the inside. So you can rationalize. If you take people through that trip of you rationalizing and truly procrastinating,

because I think a lot of people can relate to that, and I think that's where the root of it being so funny lies, is that I think that sounds like the kind of joke that you'd have a lot of people coming up to you after the show. I do the same thing when I soak dishes. And that's sort of what you want is jokes that people will remember you by and be able to relate, especially, you know, really connect with. So there you go.

Another great new 60 seconds. Sarah Wine Shank. She's Princess Shank on Twitter. S-H-E-N-K. She is so funny. I love her. Yeah, it's super cool. So happy to ever be part of the show.

As well as our other regular, she dropped out of college and kills every 60... I mean, we watch her grow 60 seconds at a time every week. No pressure. The hilarious Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Here she is.

Hey, guys. I want to talk about gay people right now. And I don't want to just talk about any old gay people. I want to talk about flamboyant gay guys. Because there's a difference, right? There's like the manly gay that like suck dick on tractors with big muscles and shit. And then there's this guy that I started working with who I had this conversation in an elevator with he goes oh my god Kim did you see Matthew on the second floor

he is so fucking hot and he stayed like that and I was like should I slow clap and I just don't get it is there a thing that when you're coming out of the closet, you have to pick a size of gay you are? Like, there's, like, gay, medium gay, and super fucking gay. I don't know.

It's just awful. Like, holding a conversation with them is difficult, you know? If someone was like, Kim, you have one minute to live, I'd probably spend it talking to him because it feels like forever. Okie dokie. Kimberly Congdon. Fuck yeah.

So, all right. Let's get to it. I like the pose thing. People should have hit that pose a little bit longer. That was funny. That was the moment where I felt like the balloon was filled with the most air, you know what I mean? For a pop to happen. The slow clap isn't it.

No. That's not where to go. I thought the sucking dick line was too early. Really? I thought we were into it. No, I just think it was so shocking right out of the shoot. You might lose people. Yeah, maybe.

Okay. Maybe. That's an interesting one. I've been working a lot, so I've been talking about my coworkers a lot. And you're saying, I'm getting on from this joke, you'd rather be with really flamboyant gay guys? No, no. Yeah, like I'm okay on from this joke You'd rather be with really flamboyant gay guys No I'm okay with gay people

But there's just a whole other level They're like more than women Like Jeff Scott The piano player More than women? Yeah More than a woman Like Liberace

Was he gay? I had no idea. I like the levels. I like that joke, the level of gay. Because, you know... Yeah, when you're coming out of the closet, that's definitely a part to keep. Do you have to choose?

Do you have to commit to that? Is that a contract? I kind of agree with... I don't know if you're saying that at the beginning. The structuring of the route that we're going on this joke. Like the coming out of the closet part probably should be earlier on so we can know where you're going with this. Like, you know, how do they choose a side when they come out?

And then you say which one you prefer. And then I do the pose. And then you think of a better end besides the slow clap. I can't think of one now, but. Right. Like what did you do? This is usually what answers that every time. And besides the slow clap, I can't think of one now. Right. What did you do? This is usually what answers the question.

I just stared at him for a while, and I was like, do you take a class when you come out to be that annoying? You said that to him? I said that to him. Oh, wow. Jesus. You're just like a mean girl. You homophobe. We're on that level now, him and I.

So what did he say to that? He laughed. Right, because you're a girl him and I. So what did he say to that? He laughed. Right, because you're a girl and that's what those guys do, right? Yeah, he laughed and then he faked. Oh, he does that. And I was like, fuck. Oh, my God. Did he have hair?

No, he has really short hair. No, yeah, our gay buddy Jamie does that. Jamie Salida. You know Jamie does this thing where he's like, ooh. Is Jamie gay? So he's always putting this piece of hair

that doesn't even exist like oh right there's something that you might as well take with it because that's a real thing about him

and we can't do a joke about it because it's our buddy that we do but there's something about like what is this imaginary piece

of gay hair but I love it coming from a woman's perspective talking about gay people like cause as a man we're like alright this guy's really really gay but I can't talk about gay people. Because as a man, we're like, all right, this guy's really, really gay,

but I can't talk about it without seeing homophobic. But your girl is like, hey, I can talk about it. It's just comforting. So I don't mind you explaining it. Yeah. Right. I had a friend that came out, and before he was, when he was still hiding it,

he was normal. But then two years later, I saw him after coming out of the closet. He was the most flamboyant person in the room. Just crazy. Turned up to 30 on the gay meter. Yeah, he picked extra gays. Semen will do that to you.

What if it's just like the best B12 ever? Just that come under your tongue? All right. Well, I mean, that's a little much, but I mean... Maybe a good song, huh? Come under your tongue. It sounds like something. Maybe Patriot could write that.

Come on your tongue. Come on your tongue. One plus one is come on your tongue. It fills your belly. Every fucking song. In the early 80s, remember, lick it up. Lick it up, written by Vinnie Vincent. Were they talking about cum?

Yeah, yeah. They also had a song. That was when they took their makeup off. They first showed us what they looked like. Yeah, they should have kept it on. Fuck yeah, I'd lose the act out part. I'd keep that other stuff. I'd keep it real.

I'd even talk about how you called him an idiot and about how you might be wondering if he got mad, but no, he didn't get mad because he's a flamboyant gay guy. And those guys agree with everything that a woman says, you know what I mean? They laugh at everything. It seems like that, like,

Oh, you're so silly. You know what I mean? Like whatever. So just keep telling it like it is and keep noticing those fun stories and keep trying to turn them into something always. Cause you have 60 seconds to fill every week. Cause she's Kimberly Congdon,

everybody. And this is what she does. She. Because she's Kimberly Congdon, everybody, and this is what she does. Thank you, guys. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. Do check out that Kill Tony trailer. Willie, Earl, what do you guys got coming up? You're on Twitter at the Will Hunter Show, right? Yeah, yeah.

I got nothing really planned. I'm getting to do New Year's Eve here at the Comedy Store for the first time. Yeah, that's a lot of fun. I'll be on that show with you. It's going to be very fun. That's Willie Hunter Show. We'll be on that show with you. It's going to be very fun. That's Willie Hunter's show. We'll be back next year. Check out his show. Earl's is

co-host. They've had Sarah Silverman, Bill Burr, a lot of great shows. Gerard Carmichael, Chelsea Peretti, Rick Ingram, Brody, Sam Tripoli. All of some of our favorites here. Esther Povitsky. Oh, there you go.

She's been on the show. She was on the first show. She was. What a way to start off a show. Earl, what do you got coming up? A few Rob Schneider gigs coming up, and I just found out my pilot's coming out on Netflix. Fuck yeah, buddy.

Put your hands together for that. That's Earl Skakel. Check him out in Benchwarmers. What's your website? GhettoGaggers.com Follow him on Twitter at Earl Skakel. Just E-A-R-L-S-K-A-K-E-L

The Iron Patriot is on Twitter at Comic Patriot. He's with us every episode. Thanks for dressing like a Christmas elf tonight. Yeah. Oh, hey, everybody. It's the Roastmaster Twitter. I'll chat with you.

Wow. What a special treat. One of my good friends. Great show tonight, you guys. Wasn't it a great show? Thank you. You must not have seen the other 29 episodes, but this was blatantly

the worst show we've ever had but which makes it a great show thank you I love it you should turn this into a podcast

I just wanted to come by and give you a Christmas present oh thank you so much Tony Hinch as a way of saying thank you for being a great buddy

and also thank you congratulations on your show being awesome. Thanks. Can I open it now? Yeah, open it up. Okay, great.

It's a custom-made Hackett jacket. By the way, I like your sweater. Thank you very much. Little baby. Whoa, that's so cool. That's a Buddy Hackett jacket. How awesome was that? Buddy Hackett jacket.

Oh, wow. That's cool. Thank you so much, Jeff. Merry Christmas, buddy. Great show tonight, you guys. Everybody was awesome. Jeff Ross, everybody. Thank you, Jeff.

One of my best pals. How exciting. Come on, guys. It's the Roastmaster. Fuck, yeah. Thank you so much. This is awesome. Buddy Hackett jacket.

That's hilarious. And I don't know if they're going to bring it up here, but you're also the Fantasy Football League champion. Yeah, I just won the Fantasy. The Comedy Store belt, you're going to be seeing me wear it because I'm going right down there to grab it because it just became official during this show. I won the Fantasy Football League.

The name of my team is the Hinchcliffe Winners, and it eats the other people alive that I won this belt. It's hilarious because I'm the bad guy. You get it? All right. Follow Red Band at Red Band. Go to KillTony.com. Well, that just leads you to my website. But we're going to

Houston, Dallas, and Austin, January 9th, 10th, and 11th. Go to DeathSquad.tv for your tickets. Yes. You can go to iTunes and download every episode and have fun and check out Thunder Pussy and other fun things going on on Death Squad. Merry Christmas, everybody.

See you in the new year.