KILL TONY - KILL TONY #300

Episode Date: October 16, 2018

Kill Tony Mania, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 10/12/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you were listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv There you have all the past episodes, including video portions to all the shows

and you can click on tour dates. Not only are we at the Comedy Store in Hollywood, California every Monday at 8 o'clock in the main room but we are on tour dates. Not only are we at the Comedy Store in Hollywood, California, every Monday at 8 o'clock in the main room, but we are on the road. We are coming to Swansea, Massachusetts. And then we're going on this huge Texas tour. San Antonio, Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates for all the info.

Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, tonyhinchcliffe.com. Go there for everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every single episode. You can go to ryanjebelt.com to pick up a poster or a book or some prints. That's ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, go to shopsquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt and you have a bunch of Death Squad merch that's just released, like a new Death Squad hat and shirt. And we got new stickers and mugs. Go to ShopSquad.TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Cobb's Comedy Company in San Francisco, California for Keltoni Mania! Keltoni! Give it up for Keltoni Mania! San Francisco, make some fucking noise! Can you guys hear us up there in the balcony? What? I think that's a yes.

I hope it's a yes. What the fuck is up, everybody? Welcome. We're back. How exciting is this shit? Oh, I like this extra large table. Brian Redband's here, everybody! Hey, what's up?

I don't know where his lights went, but the great and powerful Ryan J.E. Hey, look at that! That's perfect. Leave it like that. There's Ryan J.E. Belt. Just leave it and put those lights that are on those pictures over him.

Over that, uh, over there. And unplug all the bulbs on all the other fucking things, like we should have done an hour and a half ago. Fuck yeah. Redband, how exciting is this? We're back. This is great. Fuck yeah.

I love the energy in this room right now. The air conditioning is blasting. The sound is pretty much horrible. Pretty much as bad as it gets. They said, hey, how many of you have been to a Kill Tony live before? Then you know that we've had a few amazing shows at the famous Punchline

across the city. They're all owned by the same people, so I can literally make fun of this club sorry you fucked up shouldn't have the same owners for both your comedy clubs san francisco uh yeah these are running we're running sound for those of you listening to the podcast into a gigantic there's 400 people in this room believe it or not make some fucking noise for that 400 people and they are listening to this show through four uh three by five shoe boxes yeah it was a clearance on at circuit city i heard about five years ago i'm talking into a tin can connected to a fucking string right now

yeah for the first time ever in podcast history. But this is indeed the first ever Kill Tony Mania. There's a whole fucking crazy bunch of people here and we're going to have so fucking much fun tonight. I am pumped. Brian Redband. You know, I get anxious for shows like this. You know what helps me out?

CBD. I've rubbed some CBD on your neck a few times. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Infinite CBD offers the cleanest, healthiest, and purest form of CBD available. You might be asking, what is CBD? It's 100% legal, a natural ingredient taken from hemp plants, and it helps keep your body's endocannabinoid system balanced.

Basically, CBD gives you all the benefits of marijuana without getting high. Yeah. It's great lube also. Okay. There they go as a sponsor. It really is. I think they sell it. They help people that have chronic pain, inflammation, anxiety, and more.

And interestingly enough, about 42% of CBD users have stopped using traditional medication. How fucking cool is that? In this era where so much crazy pain medication is going on, 42% of CBD users. It's great. It's great. Like, I always have neck pains because I have horrible, horrible pillows. And I can't never find a good pillow. And I always wake up with a neck pain.

You rub some CBD on your neck and within like 20-30 seconds it's gone. Who's in control of this fan that's blowing at me? What's going on over there? The club looks beautiful, by the way. No, no, no. Very good.

Nothing ever physical. That's an easy way to remember if I want your jacket. I mean, this club looks beautiful. They have pictures of the 90s and some of the 2000s best comedians just surrounding the walls. I mean, just diehard fucking former SNL stars, people that maybe have been here once or twice. And it looks beautiful, but there's a –

for some reason, the hurricane in Florida is affecting me. I mean, what is this constant breeze? Is that the air conditioner? Is it like the sound at this club? Just one fucking thing controls the whole fucking shit pile? There it is. There's the vent that's blowing on you. What is that?

No, it's stronger than that. It feels like it's right in front of the table. Who gives a fuck? Go to InfiniteCBD.com right now. Use the promo code Tony15, and you get 15% off any purchase. Again, InfiniteCBD.com, Tony15, and you get 15% off any purchase. You fucking touched me with that. I mean, it's going to be horrible.

Again, I didn't even say anything about being cold at all, so the jacket would be completely meaningless. It's there if you want it. I'm talking about a gust for some reason. I'm not worried about the temperature. Honestly, I think the temperature's fucking perfect, but what I'm wondering is do they just blast everybody

with room temperature air? I don't feel... Is anybody going to... Okie dokie. It's a fucking real place. Fat people can't feel breezes, so Brian's completely unaffected right now. Fucking fat people love a fan like that.

This is probably what your entire apartment's like. Air conditioning 62, Google. You got those fat people fans, Red Band. Yes. Well, you know what? Since the gust isn't going to change at all, why don't we get this fucking puppy moving? Let's do it. But let me tell you guys something.

All complaints aside and all complaints about this still very strange gust of air blowing at me, all of that aside, I'm so excited, and I've really put a lot of heart and fucking effort into making this a special Kill Tony thing, this Kill Tony mania thing. So I hope you guys are pumped. To me, it feels bigger than a Kill Tony. It feels bigger than a podcast. It feels like a sporting event or something like that. And that's why, in order to get us all kick-started here tonight, I figure we should do something a little special. I think, much like a sporting event, we should sing the national anthem. Yeah.

But instead of me singing the national anthem or fucking Fanboy over here singing the national anthem, I figured we should have one of our favorite humans ever sing the national anthem. Who would that be? What? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know who.

I brought her up here with me today, all the way from Los Angeles, California. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kill Tony Icahn. Last time she was here, she got a fucking standing ovation, closing out the punchline. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only, here for your national anthem, Aphrodite! Oh, God. How y'all doing? Oh, shit.

I love you! Shit. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great and powerful Aphrodite. All right, here we go. Oh, say can you see By the dawn's early light What so proudly

we have at the time I hold on Aphrodite I cannot even hear myself in this Aphrodite hold on one second

one second hold that spot what is this Colin Kaepernick bullshit that's happening in the audience get the fuck up for your national anthem it's Aphrodite What is this Colin Kaepernick bullshit that's happening in the audience right now? Get the fuck up for your national anthem. It's Aphrodite, everybody. Aphrodite, hit that fucking shit. Can you see by the dawn's early light

What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming Whose bright stripes and bright stars Through the perilous fight O'er the ramparts we watched Were so gallantly streaming. And the rocket's red glare, oh yeah, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave. O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

The home of the brave. Aphrodite. Wow. Thank you. The great and powerful Aphrodite, ladies and gentlemen. And with no more hesitation, I now give to you the best damn band in the land. It is... Every single episode, they commit to different characters,

and I never know what they're going to be. They've spent the last 15 minutes getting ready up in the separate green room from us. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris!

Wow. Full band action. Oh, what is that? Pat Reagan is here, ladies and gentlemen. What? I don't even think they can hear anything I'm saying, but that's Pat Reagan. I think we need to make serious suggestions.

It sounds horrible in here. That's Pat Reagan, everybody. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris, everyone. What's up, pendejos? And yes. Wow. It is definitely Jolina. That's right.

Put a pinch of sound from fucking 6K4. Wow. We have not seen you in quite a while. This is incredible. What you been doing? Oh, you know, I moved up here to the bay, you know, because I'm bay and I'm fucking just chilling right here, you know. Oh, hold on.

Oh, that's your Mickeys, the 40. Jolina is in full form. It's been a while. I'm excited that you're back. And clearly over here we have the world's saddest mariachi player. Estoy triste. And then Pat, I mean... It sounds like one of my cousins installed this sound system here.

It really is. and start this sound system here. It really is. And then we have the return of Pat Reagan, ladies and gentlemen. Wow! This is truly the start of Kill Tony mania. You seem like a little bit different type of a Mexican than your brother into your left and right.

Yeah, that is the return of Patty Reagan. Fuck yeah. We got Chroma Chris over there. Maybe we'll check in with him a little bit later. Mexican Jeremiah, is that what I should call you? Salvador.

Salvador? I don't know. should call you? Salvador. Sabado? I don't know what it is. Or Sabado, whatever you white people call me. I wish I could pretend like I could hear you. Soy Salvador. Soy Salvador. Okay, Soy Salvador. No, no, no.

In English is I am Salvador Oh, you're Salvador Ay, ay, ay Hey, gringos americanos This is lasting longer than my last prison sentence Hey, let's move on, homie Hell yeah, no, I agree 100%

So we're going to be hanging out with Mexicans the entire time. That's for damn sure. Normally, the show is taped in Los Angeles. You'd think they'd be down there, but came all the way up here. We're on the run, man. Fuck yeah.

Well, I love it. Well, that's not even the show. I know. I know. You think I already got my money's worth. We have an entire bucket that your local San Francisco comedian signed up for the chance to get one minute on this stage. Sometimes it's a comedian, and as you guys very well know, sometimes it's one of you. Sometimes one of you had the balls to sign up for the chance to do 60 seconds of stage time,

and then we talk to you afterwards. Maybe we find out more about your actual life and who you are. If I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds on stage. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a liberal pussy. And that means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry Castro District Bear. Yeah, you get it. You get it. Oh, I get it.

My sound doesn't work when the soundboard's playing. I finally just caught it. So it's like one or the other. No, we just turned off the monitors earlier. They should be turned back on, so we just can't hear ourselves. Can you hear us in the back, everything I've been saying? Every time I complained about the sound, could you hear me?

Yeah. That's people in the front middle, though. They can hear my actual fucking voice from where they're sitting. You people in the balcony, could you hear me even when I was complaining? Perfect. That's great. That's all I needed to hear. The last time I asked you guys that, your timing was off.

So let's fucking do it. You guys ready to start this shit? It is the official beginning of Kill Tony Mania, live in San Francisco. Okay, let's fucking do this shit then, shall we? I'm pumped about this. Your first comedian going up tonight, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds, goes by the name of Landon Claiborne. Landon Claiborne. Landon Claiborne.

Here he is. What's up, everybody? I'm not crazy about it when people who are differently abled than me are better than me at sports. Like I saw this story about this kid with one arm who played baseball, and it's pretty amazing. He plays the catcher position, and he catches the ball, throws it up in the air,

ditches his mitt to the ground, catches it back on the down drop, throws it to the pitcher, puts his mitt back on, and he's ready to go in less than like five seconds. I got two arms and I suck at baseball. I don't even think I've ever put a mitt on with one hand. I've already got like a thousand reasons to not get out of the bed in the morning.

And then I see this kid doing way better than me. Wow. That exhale was one of my favorite things in Kill Tony's history. I mean, that was the sound of comedy right there. You were giving us, you had 57 seconds of setup, and your punchline was, Oh. He said he never put on a mitt, but an oven mitt, maybe?

It's true. You do look like the hamburger helper. A normal human at the same time. I thought Jonah Hill got skinny, fool. I've got that a lot in high school. Everybody told me I looked like Jonah Hill because I was fat and had curly hair. You have just the second best thighs in the business. Everybody told me I looked like Jonah Hill because I was fat and had curly hair. You have just the second best thighs in the business. That's all.

That's true. That's true. From the bottom down, you're built like the podfather himself. Have you ever actually played any sports? I don't even know what the fuck you were talking about, really. A lot of baseball talk. You really struck out up here

tonight. It was pretty impressive. Hey, good job. We have a strike three sound effect. Have you ever done stand-up before? This is my second time ever being on stage. Second time ever. Hell yeah. My hands were shaking when I signed up earlier. Say that again? My hands were like shaking when I signed up earlier.

Say that again? My hands were like shaking when I signed up earlier. Oh, you don't seem like a nervous guy whatsoever. That's diabetes, fool. Your hand was shaking because you were nervous or just the blood pressure? Have you got that checked recently? Like have you done any of that medical stuff? Yeah, have you done any medical stuff?

Yeah, I'm fine. You're fine? No, I'm actively trying to lose weight. What are you doing? I'm just curious. My friend Brian Redband here has been on keto for how long now? Five months. And how much weight have you lost?

40 pounds. 40 pounds, everybody have you lost? 40 pounds. 40 pounds, everybody. Pretty amazing. 40 pounds. Pretty amazing, man. That's awesome. By the way, fun fact, 40 pounds is basically one-third of me. That is like if you cut one of those magic trick boxes where they split the person into three.

Yeah, that's one-third. That's a lot of weight. Yeah, that's 40 person into three? Yeah. That's one third. That's a lot of weight. Yeah, it's 40 pounds of sugar. Yeah. That's what... I've also lost 40 pounds. Really? Yeah. Wow. Like two MacBook Pros or what?

No, it's like... How did you lose 40 pounds? What did you cut out? Miscarriage. Joel Bergen How did you lose 40 pounds? What did you cut out? Miscarriage. He's warming up. Wow. He's already tapped in. So yeah, you're a bigger boy

for those of you listening to the podcast. How old are you? 27. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. How old do I look? Do you really want me to answer that?

Let me ask you that. Do you really want me to answer that, you fucking 37-year-old motherfucker? God damn, yeah, fuck. What'd you say, 26? 27. Wow. I know, my face looks like the surface of a basketball. It's like really bumpy.

No, no, that one didn't work either. What would you have said? None of your, I think... I would have said 37. I think none of your sports jokes work because you look like you don't even watch sports. Some schlubby guys seem like... I've played sports. Wait, what?

I've played sports. What have you played? What sports? Competitive hot dog eating? What sports? No, I played football and tennis. Tennis? At the same time? I didn't say I was good at tennis. From the tennis court to the food court, huh?

That's fucking incredible. Now all the racket you cause is in the kitchen. Did you say you play football? That's right. Go. It's not that kind of football. Oh, you need a mariachi? Very good.

Yeah, I can't. This tennis thing has boggled my fucking mind. I've never really seen a guy. Were you a big boy when you were playing tennis, too? Yeah, I'm actually the lightest weight I've ever been in my life right now. The weight? The lightest in your entire life? You were born heavier than that?

Yeah, no. What kind of Tyrannosaurus Rex's pussy did you come out of? Once I got to, like, peak. I'm the least I've ever weighed in my life right now all right since puberty since puberty since puberty how big were you at puberty i don't know i was probably like 250 280 when i was oh you fucking pig it's not even that's just proof that's it's your parents fault right your parents big people it's my fault wait when you hit puberty dude how old were you when you hit puberty i don't know but 37 well i still believe you hit puberty? I don't know, but...

37? Well... I still believe you're older than 26. I don't know why you're lying about it. I know. I was thinking, like, 40s. Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And don't forget about all the diseases we mentioned that we think you have earlier. Yeah. When Red Band asks you if you've had a checkup recently, that means you're fucked, buddy. I'm sorry. Red Band isn't supposed to be the health detective up here. But seriously, though, when is the last time you had a checkup? I got checked up last year because I wanted to, like, see about where everything was. Right.

Yeah. Yeah, it was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad? I really... Well, I mean, like, the amount... Yeah, it was bad. It was bad. It was bad. It was bad? Well, I mean, like, the amount. I don't know exactly what they are, but, like, the levels of, like, fat and stuff.

Yeah. My blood were, like, really bad. Yeah. But I really went because I wanted to hear that I was low on testosterone so I could get, like, some testosterone booster. Oh, that's what you should do. Straight to steroids. Yeah. To steroids. I have, like, four times the amount of testosterone is like what's normal yeah and so dude i drink and smoke every day i'm 44 i just gotta check up and they said you have a little

bit slight load vitamin d you should not be trying to get like no you should be that was a lot that was a long time ago i've i've committed to being disciplined that's how i lost weight now i was just straight up exercising well that's even worse if it was a long time ago. I've committed to being disciplined. That's how I lost weight. Now I was just straight up exercising. That's even worse if it was a long time ago. You know what I mean? I've only been exercising for like a month. Yeah, what do you do? What's your exercise of choice?

What is it? Before work, I get up and I'll walk like three to five miles. Yeah. I'll do like five if I don't have to get up. Yeah, What ice cream shop do you walk to that's three to five miles away? Anyway. Yeah. Well, that's fucking great, man. What inspires you?

Like what makes you get out of bed and go do that? What changed? Do you have a trick? Like sometimes. It was multiple things. It was like the threat of dying really young yeah uh i don't want to have like knee surgery when i'm like 40 from being this overweight and i wanted to get access to like a more attractive level of women hell yeah absolutely absolutely well look at that

and uh i'll tell you this man is uh is that's great. Congratulations on being inspired. Anything else from my lovely, amazing mariachi band? I was just going to say, you must be going in the wrong neighborhoods if you're thinking that you could get better women. Because if you come around where I live, you're a 10. That's so nice. No, I can't. I've slept with very beautiful women.

I just feel really bad about it. Hey, fool, I told you not to kiss and tell, eh? That's why you get blacked out drunk, so you just don't remember it. That's, it's easy. Wow, that was really sad. That was dark, yeah, that was dark. Wow. And when you say that you've slept with beautiful women,

like, what are we talking about here? Well, I don't know, like, what your scale is. Well, I mean, are we talking about the types of scales that judge our weight again? Because your scale is bent. By beautiful, I mean, like, more attractive than a woman that I ever thought I could get. Well, there you go.

So not a rape victim. All right. Very good. Well, fuck yeah, man. I mean, it was your second time ever on stage. And for what it's worth, your comedic timing with that breath was fucking incredible. And you did that here tonight. Way to get the party started for us.

There he goes. It's Landon Claiborne. He's on Twitter at Lando Corinthians. All one word. L-A-N-D-O-C-O-R-I-N-T-I-A-N. Fuck yeah. It doesn't matter. I'm sure you don't want people to troll you after that set,

but had it gone well, you would have been like, fuck yeah, it's actually with an R. Alright, alright, yes. Hey, don't do that. I have PTSD from the hood, fool. Fuck yeah. Let's go back to the bucket one more time. Let's get

Matt Watt. You are the next comedian on Kill Tony Mania. Matt Watt. You are the next comedian on Kill Tony Mania. Matt Watt? Oh, no. Oh, here he comes. He's coming from the back. Look at that. He's coming from behind. It's a security clearance issue, but let's have it.

One more time for Matt Watt. So are you Robin Williams fans in here? You guys been through the Robin Williams tunnel yet? They say in order for your wish to come true, you have to hold your breath and wrap your belt around your neck. And then once you get to the light at the end of the tunnel, there'll be a genie there to grant your wish. Yeah.

I'm a big music fan, like hip-hop. You guys like T.I.? Any T.I. fans in here? But T.I. just dropped a new album. It's pretty cool. Have you guys heard that song Mediocre from T.I.? It's basically saying how he doesn't

want a mediocre bitch. But have you seen his wife? Wow! Can I finish? Sure, go ahead. Yeah, his wife is a very mediocre bitch. If she was in a contest of mediocre bitches,

she'd place third. Hilarious. That is true. Fuck yeah, Matt Watt. You are correct ti's wife is uh is extraordinarily um okie dokie i guess that would be the time for that right there uh she is uh really like uh it's very you're it's always shocking when you see yes okie doie dokie. Is everything okay? She's a goat.

Is that weird? A goat is a compliment, Brian. That means the greatest of all time nowadays. Is there a gargoyle or something? There you go. Sure, just keep hitting buttons. Fuck yeah. What does she look like?

I actually have never seen a picture of her. What does she look like? It's just... The more I think about it, the more maybe I don't want T.I. being tagged in the video of this thing. So he actually yeah, anyway. Hey, I don't know about

T.I., but I do have a U.T.I. Oh, Jolina, you are a dirty girl. I get down. I get down. How'd you get? Oh, man. So, Matt, Jeremiah? Or, I mean, Salvador?

What is it? Uh-huh. The moment has passed. Salvador. Salvador. Salvador. Salvador. That's what it is.

I'm going to write that shit down. Salvador. Salvador. That's what it is. I'm going to write that shit down. Salvador. Okay. So, Matt, yeah, you talked about it. I mean, that's a little bit inside baseball. I mean, it ended up hitting in the end. But your Robin Williams joke was just sort of, like, mean. Yeah.

It wasn't really. I mean, I get it. You guys sort of got there at the genie part. Let me ask you this. Is there a Robin Williams, what did you say, tunnel? There's a tunnel, yeah. It goes out of the Golden Gate, off the Golden Gate to Marin. Wow.

Marin. It's just a, oh, it's a traveling, it's like a tunnel you drive through. Yeah. Oh, all right. What did you think he thought? Well, I mean, I thought maybe it was like a wishing well or some shit like that. Like, I didn't know what the hell he was talking about because you said, what did you say in it that you have to...

You have to hold your breath and wrap your belt around your neck. You know you make a wish when you drive through a tunnel? No, I've never heard of it. See, that's the part that threw me off. Yeah, I said make a wish. Make a wish. And I'm like, who the fuck, what? Who makes a wish when they go through a tunnel?

Is that a thing you do? Is that a thing only? Oh, wait a second. No. What the fuck? No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I have to make sure we're on the same page here. Hold on. No, shut the fuck up. Hold on. Wait. You guys aren't responding because you do that or have heard of that. What the fuck? Did we die in a car accident?

That has to only be a San Francisco thing. Ooh, I went through my buddy's tunnel the other night. Make a wish. And I made a wish to be in another man's tunnel the next night. This is San Francisco. So many wishes. Oh, my God. We make a wish when we're on a normal street, too.

Yeah, it's a normal day. We just make wishes. That's blowing my mind. You fucking wishful dorks. What have they ever done? They come true? No. You look at this in your fucking wishful dorks. What have they ever done? They come true? No. You look at this in your fucking local sound system.

No. Is that what I had to do? I should have fucking... Anyway. Matt, have any of your wishes ever come true? No, I don't do it. I just know of it. I'm not dumb enough to do that.

You don't actually make a wish? Now I feel like you're just trying to be cool to me. No. It's been on movies and stuff. Movies? Now, wait, wait, wait. Now I'm calling double bullshit here. Hold on a second.

Family vacation. You're telling me. Shut up, Matt. You're telling me that now you don't make wishes at all? I mean, I do it when it's fucking common, right? What do you do? You do it if there's some fucking creepy well and you just so happen like, oh, I fucking do have that weird penny that's in this

pocket. I guess I'll fucking do it like some weird like penny filled thing. Or when your girlfriend misses her period, you know. Right. Yeah. Or fucking blowing out the candles. So when's the last time you wished anything? Because now you seem very anti-wish.

No, I make wishes. It's funny you say that. You got to trust my instincts sometimes, right? I mean, I have you fucking covered, dude. I mean, it's funny you make wishes because you look like a make-a-wish. Oh. Yeah, look at that.

Fuck yeah. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. When you make a wish in a tunnel, it's called an El Chapo. I wish I could get away. Matt, how long have you been doing stand-up? A little less than a year. A little less than a year. And how long have you been shooting schools?

Tres años, cuatro, cinco. I get that a lot. There you go. What do you do for work, Matt? I'm a glazer. Wait, wait, wait. A glazer? Yeah.

What are you glazing? I install windows that go into buildings, like the big skyscraper buildings. My cousin said there's a lot of glazers in San Francisco. Do you not hear another voice, Matt? All right. Did I miss it? I was going to reset to you.

It's okay. The podcast listeners are going to love it. Oh, that's beautiful. I love it. Anyway, so, Matt, you install windows in skyscrapers. Is that a dangerous job? Is that up on one of those, like, fucking things that hang out that only those people that do would have to know what it's called? That's what I'm eventually going to get to, but I'm working in the production warehouse right now.

Oh. So you're trying to work your way up to a dangerous job. Yes. Hell yeah. I also work here at Cobb's. Really? Yeah. Wow.

Let me guess. You work on the sound system? No. No. Somebody's been fucking glazing the speakers with dog shit i made it so uh matt uh you single you have a girlfriend that looks just like you nah single i feel like you do i feel like i feel like you hook up with chicks that look just like you like not obviously not like hair and facial hair but like i feel like you do. I feel like you hook up with chicks that look just like you. Obviously not like hair and facial hair, but I feel like I could picture you with chicks with those same glasses and tiny eyes,

but the lenses are big so your eyes look normal. You know what I mean? How some people have tiny eyes and just have glasses to offset it. And you're like, oh, they have normal eyes. And then one day they take them off and they're just the tiny little balls. You're like, whoa, you look creepy without your fucking glasses. That's you, right? Little Johnny Carson eyes. Here, look out there and take off your glasses. Why?

Oh, shit. Tiny eyes! It's Beaker from the Muppets, fool. I smoked weed before I got here, that's why. No, no, no, no. Unless you smoked weed and then put it out on your eyeballs, you have tiny eyeballs, dude. Has anyone ever told you that before?

You got the old tiny balls? Tiny balls, but not eyeballs. There's a song about it. It's from Elton John. It's called Tiny Eyeballs. How they look so real lying there. Tiny eyeballs in your head, fool.

Tiny eyeballs, this fool's got them. As sung by Jolina Jimenez. That's right, eh? All right. Well, Matt, it was fucking nice to meet you. You've been doing it for less than a year. You're working at a comedy club, which is a good pathway. I wish I had more advice for you other than, you know, I mean,

another thing is if you're gonna go that dark dark robin williams route and have it end in a genie thing either stay in the pocket more and talk about it more have it be more about him and longer about him and take the chance and try to figure out the puzzle of what the fuck you know drag it out because like a one-liner that's that compelling at this many comedy fans around or ever, even if it's just strangers, it's even worse. If it was ever going to kill, it would kill in front of these fucking animals. You know, Robin Williams joke. But it's got to have more bang because he's such an important person in the history of comedy that you got to really fucking show him some homage by getting in there and fucking really.

Yeah. Don't choke. Don't choke. All right. There he goes. Matt Watt, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. How about a special treat, San Francisco?

Huh? You guys like special treats? Yeah. So, you know, this show's been happening for, what, five years and four months, and we've had a lot of fun over the years. And we have developed, by having a regular ship on this show, we have developed quite a cult, uh, quite a cult, um, oh, it's, uh, yeah. Following for?

No, that's not it My cousin went to culinary school Yeah do that one I'm just trying to feel time I don't know what's happening And some of the people through that regular ship have turned into real fucking unbelievable blossoming comedians. And every once in a while, I'm lucky enough to have one of them come back

and run a minute just for the sake of what Kill Tony's done for them and this and that. And this is one of those opportunities. You know her as a former regular of kill tony for years probably one of our greatest fucking comedians ever on or off of this show ladies and gentlemen make some noise for former regular and one of the greats ali mckoski Hi. It's good to be here. Man, I just want to let you guys know I've had a crush on this guy for four years, and some big things have happened lately. There's this guy, Bobby. I've loved him forever.

A little thing you need to know about Bobby, he does not like me at all. At all. But one night he hit me up, 10 p.m. on a Tuesday. I didn't even know how he had my phone number. He texts me. He says, what's good? And I was like, nothing. So I rush home and I start shaving everything. Mostly my toes. everything. Mostly my toes. Why are they so hairy? Why do we have so much hair on our toes? Like we have human, we have hair as humans to protect ourselves. You know, like this is a helmet. I've never stubbed my toe and been like, oh, thank God I didn't shave. Same goes with butt stuff. So I'm done shaving. I leave the bush because it's a power move and um and I start driving over to meet up with Bobby and on the way over I'm doing a bunch of kegels

kegels is like p90x for your pussy but it doesn't work I've never done kegels had sex and then gotten a high five like nice work down there. Okay, thanks. Fuck yeah, Allie Makovsky. We've interviewed you so many times and it's good to have you back. How about one more time for Allie Makovsky, everybody?

Life is good for you, right? Yeah, life's great. Rocking and rolling. You want to join the panel for more of the show? Allie McCoskey, ladies and gentlemen. Here she is. Yes, we can.

There you go. A little bit of equality up here. A little bit of estrogen. A little yin and yang. Yeah. Finally, another woman. You guys ready to go back to the bucket again? You get it?

Let's keep this fun train moving along. Your next comedian doing a new minute. We are going to call him Joseph Ugalde. Ugalde? There he is, Joseph Ugalde. Ugalde? Ugalde?

There he is, Joseph Ugalde. So I'm on a date the other day, and the woman says to me, what's your favorite kind of porn? So my favorite kind of porn? Is that really polite? I said, well, if I had to choose, I'd say the POV porn.

You know, the point of view where the cameraman is the recipient? It's great, you look at that, and you feel like, oh, this is happening to me. And as I said it out loud, I thought, this really sounds pathetic. I'm thinking, this is like when you stick a mirror in the bird

cage so the bird will think he has a friend. Because I like the PLV so much that I went out and got the virtual reality goggles. See that where it's 3D and 360 degrees? It's great. But after a while, it's like regular porn.

But what I found is when I look away from the lady, all of a sudden, I've got this incredible new house. There's a skylight. There's a spiral staircase. There's a hot tub over there. I'm thinking, as a San Franciscan, that's the real pornography right there. Wow.

Fuck yeah. Joseph Ugalde. You've been on this show before, right? Three times in a row. Three times in a row, all in San Francisco, right? Fuck yeah. Look at that. What the fuck?

And you said that you did VR porn? I didn't perform in it, but I tried the goggles, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Actually, you know what? This came because Red Band, the first time I was on, Red Band asked me what my favorite kind of porn was, and this whole joke kind of grew from that. Yeah, it ends up being asked a lot.

Now, where were you when you watched this VR, clearly, obviously, a gay porn that you watched? Thank you. Somebody had some of the goggles, and I tried them on, and I was like, okay, here, we're underwater. When you say somebody, you mean like your boyfriend? Right. No, I actually prefer the ladies.

Really? Yeah. Man, that was so convincing. Thank God. Look who's talking. Yeah, I know, I know, but. Hey, hey, hey, oh. Oh, look at you guys.

A little upset because I made your little we don't make wishes while going through a tunnel joke. Oh, San Francisco, did that hurt you? Make a wish. Let's make a wish. Yeah. Oh, we're going through a tunnel. Make a wish.

Put your feet up. Oh, I just hope everybody can be as green as our city is one day. I hope the rest of the world knows that that news report that came out the other day, but we're doing our part. I hope that made my wishes that they all find out. Jesus. Yeah, no, I'm a little bit, like I seem a little bit gay, but you seem much gayer than me.

It's really what I'm getting at. I wouldn't have taken it so hard on you if you didn't want to ooh and ah so hard. Speaking of ooh and ah-ing hard, have you ever hooked up with a man? No. No, never. Are you married? No, never married. Right. You have a girlfriend?

Not exactly. Not exactly, because she has a penis. Am I right? No. But you don't want to admit, but it's okay. Maybe you just ignore the penis, even when it's in your mouth. You're like, I don't know where it went.

I don't see it. Not gay if I don't see it. Like that? I barely want to see my own penis, believe me. Yeah, same. Thank you. Thank you. The last couple times you've been on, did you do as well as you did tonight?

First time was just so-so. Second time was pretty solid. I thought this was decent. Yeah. You've been doing stand-up a lot? Yeah, it's coming up on four years now. All here in San Francisco? Yep. Oh, very cool. Where else do years now. All here in San Francisco? Yep.

Oh, very cool. Where else do you go? Where else do I go? Like besides here? Sure. I've got my own monthly show at a wonderful wine bar, Inner Fog. Did you say wine bar? Yes, it's a wine bar where lots of ladies hang out.

Lots of ladies at the wine bar. Just hanging out with the loving ladies. Just hanging out with the females with vaginas. Just drinking wine with feminine, feminine, feminine ladies. Women parts. And it's also in a closet. Who said that? Chroma Chris said that.

Oh my gosh. Oh, shit. Wow. Chroma motherfucking Chris is in the house. Wow. So, Joseph, the wine bar,

is that what you drink? You prefer wine over other cocktails? Yeah, I actually gave up beer about a year ago. Is it white wine or red wine? White wine, but I can explain. It's Zinfandel, right? You're right there. Is it a white Zinfandel?

It doesn't even need to be. It's already... I mean, this is incredible. You know, you would be the first person to come out of the closet on stage, live, on a live podcast, if you want to do it. Thank you. I think... You look like Mexican Dracula, fool.

Maybe you need to come out of the coffin. Mexican Dracula that not only will suck your blood, but also swallow it. Oh, boy. Take a stick to the heart and the ass, eh? Owie. Oh, my God. I feel like Joel's hair gives him power. Joelina.

You're like Samson. I don't know who that is. I have a Samsung phone, though. Note one. Wow. Has anyone ever told you that you seem like a gay Dracula before? No, but the first time I was on, you said I look like a magician. That's it?

No, I said something in addition to magician. I wouldn't have just said you look like a magician. said like a you said i look like a magician who rides a scooter so well that's exactly what he's talking about yeah you see the difference magician that rides a scooter do you see how that's important four years in comedy you've left that fucking part out i know i've never told anybody else that, by the way. Hundreds of thousands of people at least I've met in my lifetime. I've never been like, oh, magician on a scooter. But I see what I was talking about with you.

Sounds completely straight to me. Yeah. It seems like you'd be like on a bird while actual pigeons are falling out of your sleeve. What kind of mode of transportation do you own? Yes, what color is your Prius? He turns into a bat, fool. He turns into a bat at the stroke of midnight. That's right.

The leathery wings of Satan, fool. Midnight's one of the local basketball players. The stroke of midnight. The leathery wings are Satan full. Midnight's one of the local basketball players. The stroke of midnight. What is it? What's your car? I drive a very old Honda Civic Silver. The Prius of the past, yes.

It's the EX. It's the sexy one. Hatchback? No. No, I'm talking about your ass again. I am still convinced. Open up that slip cage. I'm still convinced. I drive a Yoda.

It's just like the letters are falling off the back of my pickup truck. Joseph, what do you do for work? I do communications for a very large bank. Oh, yeah? Is it a blood bank? Mine was better than yours, fool. Shut up, eh? You're not going to win, homie.

He tried to beat you to it, and he did the worst version of the joke. Thought he was going to go low. When you go... What the fuck are these noises that keep happening here? These people want me to fuck up. Can you believe that? Alright,

Joseph. Well, what did we learn here tonight is that, you know, teach a man to fish. Something like that. Try to get a gay man to come out of the closet live on a podcast doesn't always work. But Joseph, you came up. You did it again.

You have unbelievable luck. And by the way, I didn't get to talk about your comedy at all. Super likable. I would watch you for at least two, three more minutes if I had all the time in the world. That's all I need um and uh thank you so much for coming up man that was a good set your very own san francisco zone joseph ugaldi like that part right there you're telling me you guys could hear me on that part while the band was playing right yeah not that part like i can feel when it goes out

right hey that we should avoid the salad. It has garlic in it, fool. No. I'm Transylvania, fool. Yeah, it's all flying. We're getting through it, huh? Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Denny Dolan.

Denny Dolan. bucket we go. Make some noise for Denny Dolan. Denny Dolan. Here we go. Denny Dolan? Maybe that's him. That's got to be in the red hat there. That's my guess. Making his time. He's got a steady pace going. Hell yeah.

Oh, he's dipping. One more time for Denny Dolan, everybody. Denny. So, my dad died three weeks ago. I probably should be sadder, but it's the first time he's ever kept a promise. I come from a white trash nuclear family. Mom drinks, dad cooks meth. Uh, sister does black guys.

Uh. Shit. Anyone ever fake a headache to get out of masturbating? Fuck, I don't know. Get out of masturbating? Fuck. God. All right. Denny Dolan. Denny, you must not have driven through any tunnels lately.

You had no luck on stage tonight Just everything Right as you said your dad died a few weeks ago The mic cord came out of the mic for you podcast listeners Almost like his dad being like I don't want you talking about me I don't want you talking about my corpse, Denny Is that a beer in your pocket or are you just happy to see me, homie? That's just dip glass.

All right. Yeah. Is this your first time on stage? Yeah. Well, yes. I love that. You mean? Yes, I could tell by the partial heart attack he was having the entire time

that, indeed, I didn't even feel the need to ask you that, Danny. I mean, did you not, when you kept saying shit and fuck, was that you forgetting what you were going to say? Basically. Yeah. You look like fat. What? I got it all written down in here. Hell yeah, you do.

I mean, it all worked. This crowd loves watching people fail. This is a special audience and, you know, two of your shits and fucks got just as big of a laugh as one of the guys exhales, which is really good.

I have a question. When did you decide you wanted to do this? You were riding your tractor. A while ago. One of the only... Oh, shit. The gust of the gods just came back on. Here we fucking go.

That was Dracula flying away. So you do have... You chew tobacco. I believe you about the white trash family thing. What do you do for work? Lineman for the phone company. Lineman for the phone company, like the actual telephone, like the landline. A lineman?

The phone company has a football team? He works for the landline. His dad works for the flatline. Oh, wow. Good Lord. Yes, I mean, yes, your dad is dead. No matter how much, no matter how good you get at building telephone lines, you will never be able to call him again.

Aw. Aw. You don't answer anyways So you and your dad weren't close at all? Sort of What do you mean? Sort of like how gay the last guy was? Or sort of like

Nope Like what's the most bonding experience You and him ever had in your life? He died from lung cancer? Cirrhosis. Sclerosis. Cirrhosis. Cirrhosis.

Oh, cirrhosis of the liver, yes. Big drinker. Did you say sriracha? No. So he's a very heavy drinker. No, not my dad. My mom. Your dad died from cirrhosis, and he wasn't very heavy drinker. No, not my dad. My mom. Your dad died from cirrhosis, and he wasn't a heavy drinker.

It was cirrhosis turned into end-stage liver disease with cancer. Yeah. Wow. And was him and your mom still together? No. No. How old were you when they divorced? First time he went to prison.

That may have really affected you. You remember the year and everything. You said first time he went to prison. What did he go to prison for? Meth. Oh, I see. It happens to the best of us. Alright. Well, that's pretty interesting. Oh, I see. It happens to the best of us. All right.

Well, that's pretty interesting. Has anybody ever told you you look like Larry the Satellite Dish Guy? That was my last job. I actually did work at Dish Network. You look like Fred Durst's Gain Weight or Action Bronson's Lost Weight. Yeah, yeah. look like Fred Durst gain weight or Action Bronson lost weight? Yeah. You said your last job was working for the Dish Network?

Why'd they fire you? You kept eating off of all of them? No, I quit. You quit. Well, he could dish it, but he couldn't take it. You quit. So you're like, fuck you guys and your satellites. I'm going to work for the goddamn telephone landline company. Paid way more.

Up next, and if they don't treat me right, I'm going to work on the fucking railroad. And if they don't treat me right, I'm going to go work for the local newspaper. They still have those. What'd you say? They still have those. Newspapers? You son of a

bitch. Yes, they still have newspapers. You get them on your iPad though, right? Matt. What is this, an Apple store? I think your dad, I think the ghost of your dad is talking through you right now. He wants you to fail, it appears.

Patty Reagan. Hey, this fool looks like he ate a baseball pitcher. A baseball pitcher? It's me, Chico Patty Reagan. Hey. Hey. Do you think you're going to do stand-up again? I think you are.

I think you got a big rush out of it up there tonight. I think you're really getting this. This scares the shit out of me. Yeah, but isn't that what's fun? Isn't that why you jump out of airplanes? I don't know what you do that scares you. Maybe missing lunch or something like that? I don't miss lunch.

What's the riskiest thing that you do? When's the last time you were this nervous or excited or felt like you were doing something good or wrong or anything? Any emotions whatsoever other than just laying fucking sad telephone line and This is the scariest thing for me. Really? Anything you've ever next thing that you've done that was scary.

Oh, it'll take seconds around this fully. You are perfectly round. My bad, my baddie. Katamari. Yeah, for those of you listening to the podcast, he looks like what Louis C.K. probably looks like right now. Well, like in his luxurious basement of some kind. You seem very comfortable, though.

You seem like you... Have you ever performed anything before? A eulogy. That's next weekend. Is that true? Are you giving a speech? Oh, fuck no. No?

Dia de los muertes. Wow. So you're not going to speak at your dad's funeral? You said it's next week? Yeah. But that he died three... He hasn't gotten cremated yet? Do you need a band for the funeral?

Wait. Hold on. Yeah, a lap band. So you said that your dad died three weeks ago, right? Yeah. But he hasn't been cremated yet, is that correct? I don't know, they haven't given me a phone call. So, maybe.

Is it your fault? No. Wait. Did you not lay down the line? That he died or that he's not cremated? Maybe your phones aren't working. Oh, no. Paperwork was taken care of in 2012.

Wow. Just to think that your dad's corpse is just above ground rotting right now is really... I probably got him in a refrigerator. Yeah. Yeah, I guess so, which is, you know, they better keep you away from that refrigerator. That'll do it. God damn it, I accidentally ate my dad. Fuck.

I thought it was the beef. All right. Is it Denny? Yeah. All right, well. It's Dennis, I'm Denny. What? My dad's Dennis, I'm Denny.

Are you on the restaurant at school? Oh, so you're a junior. Wow. I would have taken you for more of a Carl's junior, not really a... But I'm also not surprised that your name is... That both you and your dad are both Denny's. Wait, you guys don't have Denny's up here?

There you do. All right. Fuck you. I guess so. Boo. Thank you, sir. Feels like they don't have Denny's. No, it's your mind.

Next time you go through a tunnel, wish for a Denny's. Then you'll get it. Grand slam. All right, Denny. Well, congrats on your first time ever on stage. Give him a big hand. Come on. Hell yeah.

There you go. Take one of those. Don't kill yourself. Denny Dolan, everybody. Denny Dolan? Come on. It's his first time ever on stage, guys. All right.

Let's do another special treat. How about that? You guys like special treats? It's just this one. This is a very special moment. In the history of Kill Tony, by the way, there are only three people that have ever gotten standing ovations. One of them is here in San Francisco, the great and powerful Aphrodite.

Another in Los Angeles. It was my mom on the five-year anniversary. And the only other person, it's a fun fact. Some of you diehard fans may know this. The only other person who was all the way back in the belly room years ago. And it just so happens that she lives in San Francisco and is here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, a special, special surprise. Make some noise for Mrs. Reagan.

Vicki Reagan, Pat Reagan's mom. It's Mrs. Reagan, Vicki Reagan, Pat Reagan's mom. It's Mrs. Reagan, everybody. Where's she at? This is very exciting. Very exciting. You're going to see a very nice mom walking through the room at some point. Here she comes. It's a real mom.

Make some noise one more time for Mrs. Patty Reagan, Vicki Reagan. Hi. This is a true story. Hi. This is a true story. My husband and I found a stray cat. And the first night he spent the night with us, he jumped on my husband on the chest and woke me up.

And my husband jumped out of bed and yelled, someone's here, someone's here. And I thought he was in bed beside me, so I reach out and touch him. And there's somebody there. And so, thinking it was a bad guy, I get up and I punch him. He lands, what do you say, cold, clocked him. He lands on the floor. He ends up, the table, the lamp falls over. He hits his head. And then I thought, I'm not going to let this bad guy get me. I jumped on top of him. And we started rolling around the ground. And the next thing I know, he's on top of me. His hands are around my neck. And I say, Joe, Joe, he's got me. And Joe says, or he thinks, I have somebody.

And we turn on the light. And it's only Joe and I. No cat to be found. Meow. And from then on, Joe said, whenever he heard a noise, Vic, go check it out. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah Fuck yeah Mrs. Reagan you never cease to amaze me

You were funnier than all of these San Francisco Comedians Have been all night I thought she was going to say After all that And that's how Pat was born That night I love it after all that and that's how Pat was born that night.

I love it. Well, one question for you, Vicky Reagan. Do you like being serenaded? Sure. All right. Well, I think we have a special treat for you. Have a seat on the stool, Mom. This is Reagan.

Something special is happening right now. All right, guys, this is my mom's favorite song. Everyone give it up for my mom one time. San Francisco's own Mrs. Reagan. Shout out to my dad. He's here. Here we go. She stood in the doorway Wearing pants And a shirt

And another shirt On top of her first shirt She said, I'm not even sure you know what you really want I said, well let me explain. I just want a girl to love me like my mama. I just want a girl without any drama. I just want a girl to love me like my mama. I just want a girl without any drama. I just want a girl to love me like my mama. I just want a girl without any drama. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. I just want a girl who sends me cards on Easter With $50 checks and delicate reminders That I should go to church and I should call my grandma I just want a girl whose mom is my grandma I just want a girl who lives way out in Boston And a house with my dad and my brother Austin I just want a girl who raised my sister Megan.

I just want a girl whose name is Vicki Reagan. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. That's my mom's name, everybody. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Oh, I literally want to date my sweet old mom. Thank you. Give it up for my mom one time, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Vicki Reagan, everybody.

Come on. That's a real San Francisco mother right there. Thanks for joining us, Mrs. Reagan. You did it. You fucking killed again. There she goes. One more time for the great Vicki Reagan, everybody. Hell yeah.

Two, two, two, one, and two. Like, right now it sounds like there's nothing. Okay, hello? Two? What the fuck just happened there? Okay. Oh no, she fell down the stairs. Oh no. Alright. She fainted, fool.

I think I'm in love with your mom. Fuck yeah. You guys having fun out there still? Back to the bucket we go. Alright, your next San Francisco treat will go by the name of Jeff Panalite. Pana left, pan alert, panabert, parabert.

Here he is. San Fran, make some noise one more time for Jeff Panabate. Panabaker? You ever shit yourself in front of 400 people? Me neither. That's weird. Holy shit. I'm up here.

So, fuck the South, right? Anyone else? No one? No one? Do you like the South? No? Fuck you, too. So, fuck the South.

They're the worst. First, they voted for Donald Trump. Then, uh, mumble rap. Yeah, that's social it's cultural appropriation. They're bullshit. They stole it. Yeah, all the rappers,

SoundCloud, whatever, stole it from the South. Wow. Can I finish it? Sure, yeah, go ahead. The South was robbed. Cajuns were mumbling first. Fuck yeah, there you go.

A little historical fact. That was adorable. This is your first time doing stand-up? Like, back and forth. I'm about to shit myself. I mean, by the way, you don't even seem that nervous. You just seem like you might genuinely be near shitting yourself. Like, I feel like you were probably about to shit yourself in the audience.

Yes, Salvador. It's actually his second time on stage. We saw him right before Pat's mom came up on stage. No, never mind. It's okay. Wow, Jeff, great timing. It's always good when you start talking while someone's on their punchline. Really, I mean, you must get...

Really, really nervous. Sorry. You make me three stay. So, Jeff, you're talking about hating the South. You know that you seem like you're from the South. A little bit. All right. that you seem like you're from the South. A little bit. Alright. And you also are saying that things from the South are bad

right in front of four Mexicans. Huh. Fuck yeah. Alright. So Jeff, you say you go back and forth. I asked you how long you've been doing stand-up. You said you're about to shit your pants. So tell me about you. What asked you how long you've been doing stand-up. You said you're about to shit your pants. Not that long.

Tell me about you. What do you do for work? Construct. No, no, no, no, no. Fart noises don't make any sense right now. That's just not a thing. Oh, I get it because he said he's going to shit his pants. Yeah, no, I've been doing stand-up about six months, back and forth removed. I just don't have time.

What, six months? What? Yeah, off and on for about six months. Okay, stand-up. Like, I don't have a whole lot of time. I work construction, and then in addition to that, I work 12 hours a day. You work 12 hours a day on construction, right? And you've been doing this off and on for six months.

What does that mean? Like once every few weeks? Maybe once a week if I get the opportunity. Right. And okay. Do you have any kids? You married? Married.

No kids. Married. No kids. How long have you been married for? A year. A year. Cute. Yeah.

Sure. It's cute. It's not cute. It's cute. It's not cute. We got married. How long did you know her before marrying her? Three years. Three years. How'd you meet? A dating app.

Which one? Fuck if I know. FarmersOnly.com Fuckthesouth.com I think it was OKCupid. Cataloney.com? What does your wife do? None of these working anymore? She's a purchaser.

Hello? I feel like something happened. It's like my mic is not working, or like the laughs are not coming through. I don't know what's happening. It's good. It's good. It's a special Mexican microphone.

It's definitely working. How is this guy making me not funny? Hey, wait a second. That mustache just fall off? Like I said, I'm in hiding right now. Jeff, I didn't hear your answer. What does your wife do for work? She's a purchaser for a...

A purchaser of what? A lot of groceries for your fat ass? No, I'm kidding. He's not that fat. You're a fat mania. That's what's happening. I wouldn't say I'm fat. I would just say you don't eat enough.

He looks like he does stuff. He has like a Lowe's card. Oh, we don't need that. Tony might want it. He has the body of a guy who does sound drops on a podcast, eh? Oh, he's got hard-ass nipples. That's for sure. Wow, Jesus.

What is happening? He needs some new armor for those nipples. Are you about to build a new sound system for Cobbs? How does it feel to be Red Band's goal weight? Great. It definitely weighs more than me. You look like you have over armor, under armor, inner armor. No, that was me, fool. The other one.

Oh, shit. This one doesn't know where he is, homie. What's he doing? He's crying. Wow. He's got't know where he is, homie. What's he doing? He's crying. Wow. He's got Mountain Dew in his car, I bet. For sure. I'm single if you want to do the Dew, homie.

I'm down to jack that you off if you like. Okay. The crowd goes crazy. Are you going to let Jelena? He looks like he's been jack-linked it off before. What are some other tough guy things that you do, Jeff? Like you work in construction. You play Scrabble a lot? No.

Yeah. Okay, so what are other tough guy things that you do? I work out, in construction. You play Scrabble a lot? No. Yeah. Okay, so what are other tough guy things that you do? Workout, do construction. What kind of workouts do you do? Running. Running. Hell yeah. From what, child support?

I'm not your husband. Wow, yeah. Look at that fucking gut when he laughs Now you suck it in I just watched you suck it in You saw me look down and go Look at that and you literally went I fucking watched you

You have big areolas for a man Wow Do you stretch them? Damn, not only are you sleeveless You are also jokeless for a man. Wow. Do you stretch them? Yeah. Damn, not only are you sleeveless, you are also joke-less. Oh, gosh. Wow. I didn't say that.

He said that. He's still wearing a wig, so. Shut up, fool. You ain't shit, homie. You look like fucking Derry the Cable Guy. I don't know. Whatever, eh?

Derry the Cable Guy. Gary the Stable Guy. I don't know. Whatever, eh? Derry the Cable Guy. Derry the Stable Guy. I don't fuck... All kinds of shit people are laughing at. Shut up, eh? I play Andrew Jolie. What the fuck are you calling me? Oh, hilarious fool.

You ain't gonna win. All right. The drums aren't the only thing you're clapping. Hey, you don't want to mess with her. One time she pissed in my tubas players tuba. Yeah, you definitely don't want to mess with her. One time she pissed in my tubas players tuba. Yeah, you definitely don't want to mess with Jolina. She will fucking, like, literally rip your fucking cock off.

This fool is not funny, fool. So, I mean, what makes you want to do this? I'm terrified of everything else. Comedy is the one thing that I can relate with friends, family, and everything else. In what way? When did they laugh at you? Like when you take your shirt off at the pool or things like that? What is it? Well, you know, once I looked like you, and then I took my shirt off, and I looked like a guy.

Once you looked like me, and then you took your shirt off and looked like a guy. Wow. How did you make that change? Did you just drive through tunnels and wish it to be true? Throw pennies into a well, yeah. Well, all right. Jeff, you have all the comedy chops of a construction worker. Thank you.

Yep. All right. You're welcome. How do I say your last name? Panabekker. What is it? Panabekker. My handwriting is dog shit.

No, no, no. I know. Yes. Much like your comedy. It is a shit. No, no, no. I know. Yes. It's much like your comedy. It is a complete hot biggity dog. You're saying Jeff Panabacker? Yep. Panabacker. Yes, sir. Say it three times

and he'll morph into a... Tony Hatchcliffe. You're one of my heroes. I'm sorry. It's okay. I had nothing. It doesn't of made sense. None of the things. How would you turn into...

All right. You need to do less time on construction and work on the construction of your jokes, my friend. Like, quit building homes and build your comedy career. You know what I'm saying? Actually, I would disagree with him. I would say keep building homes. Okay.

Okay. Valid point. saying actually i would disagree with them i would say keep building homes okay okay valid point hey but uh you know you you did it i would say don't fall back on that pussy fucking i'm about to shit my pants like it's like you signed up for it man these people want to see you either go for it or fucking just show weakness and we've seen it a couple times tonight people not being able to catch their breath and people saying, oh, shit and fuck. You know what I mean? You don't need to fall back on those safety nets. So there you go.

There's a little piece of advice for you. Oh, shit. Here it is. The don't kill yourself handshake. Don't you kill yourself. Thank you. Jeff Panabekker, ladies and and gentlemen that's a guy with you know a bigger guy with a beard and a hat on who uh who seems like uh you know he seems like uh

he seems like he'd be funny right he really does he looks the part he seems the part He really does. He looks the part. He seems the part. He really does. And it just always doesn't, you know, pan out that way. But some people that look the part and sound the part are funny. In fact, some people that look almost exactly like that. Ladies and gentlemen, we met this guy a few weeks ago on Kill Tony and he took us by storm. I absolutely fell in love with this motherfucker. And on Monday he got pulled out of the bucket for the second ever time in his life.

And I like him so much I brought him all the fucking way to San Francisco with us. Make some noise for the one and the only. There he is. William Montgomery. I'm crazy for feeling so lonely. There he is, everybody. Look at this guy.

I'm crazy. I obviously got the recessive gene, but the interesting thing is both of my parents are black. obsessive gene, but the interesting thing is both of my parents are black. I just discovered Viagra doesn't protect you against AIDS. What the fuck am I gonna do?

I got roofied at the strip club the other day, which ended up being a nightmare because I had to dance for the next five minutes. I'm white with black stripes! That is the racist zebra. So I got a high the other day, which ended up being a nightmare

because I had to dance in the next five minutes. LAUGHTER Fucking unbelievable See what the possibilities are In 60 seconds How about one more time for William Montgomery Not a lot of people know this about me But I sold a drug called

Stacker 2 It was a diet pill I sold a drug called Stacker 2. It was a diet pill. I sold it in the mid-90s. I know Stacker 2 because I'm a wrestling fan. They used to have that on during pro wrestling back in the day. It was a big thing. Go ahead. It's really cool.

I don't know if you all have done Stacker 2s recently, but I was doing them the other night. It had been like a five-day bender of just being awake, going into Arby's. I would just walk into Arby's and ask for cups of water. They would not always give them to me. And it was like, I think in

September, it was September of 85 and I was in that Arby's just getting a cup of ice water and God, y'all do the math. The rest is history. Wow. I mean, you can just keep going if you want, really.

You just want to ramble. At the time, my aunt was living up in Maine. She refused to get on airplanes, so we got her a cab to the West Coast. It was like $3,000. And not a lot of people know this about me, but my father, he was big into farming, big into chemicals, and he got real sick just inhaling the chemical fumes, and my aunt makes it to the West Coast to do the math. Oh, fuck. Okay.

Hey, William, is that a golf visor? It is. Have you ever thought maybe it's not a good idea for a white guy to wear a visor that says Masters on the back? Funny story. Mid-90s. I bet it is, eh? I'm hanging out with some relatives.

Maybe my aunt, maybe my uncle, maybe a couple cousins. Whatever. We're hanging out. And I can't feel my face. I don't want to interrupt you if you're going to keep going. I don't know if any. I don't want to interrupt you if you're going to keep going. Like, I mean... I don't know if any of y'all have ever been to Jacksonville Beach, Florida,

but I was there in graduate school probably ten years ago, and I had a buddy over there, down there, and we would hit waves on the boogie board. And it'd be cool because sometimes my buddy would hit a big wave on the boogie board and there would, this is a movie I'm coming out with, there would be a

cut scene of my buddy hitting a really good wave and me just doing my goggles off, doing the fog off with my pointer fingers. I mean... Wow. Estoy alegre. What was that, Salvador?

Podcast listeners. Okay, I guess that's a new habit we could just start doing where I just don't know what's going on. Maybe I could respond to it, or also you could just repeat it once. It's in Espanol, so you won't understand it. Okay, all right. Sort of weird, like two years ago at my parents' house,

it was Halloween time. I started playing the Ouija board with my younger brother, Vance, and it was a nightmare. It turned into a nightmare. I don't know if y'all

messed with that devil stuff, but don't know if y'all mess with that devil stuff, but don't. I don't think... William, I'm gonna be honest with you. I don't think I've ever loved anything in the world quite as much as I love you. You've only been on this show three times and, I mean, there's just fucking something about you. You've only been on this show three times and I mean

there's just fucking something about you. I think you're an absolutely unstoppable force. It's weird. In the third grade I was actually out on a golf course and I got hit by lightning.

And I spent two weeks in the emergency room. I got a broken ankle out of the deal. You got to wait. I'm going to follow up on that one, actually. You broke your ankle from a lightning bolt strike? It was pretty much, I don't know if y'all are familiar with volts and

things to do with electricity, but yeah, the amount of volts, essentially, that entered through my head when it blew out my ankle, it did a number on my ankle. Oh my God. And that's not a joke. My aunt was mad.

She was caring for us boys at the time. This was in 96. Okay. William, put that mic back in the mic stand Allie's gonna slide over and you're gonna join us here at the table while we blast through a couple more

first ever time that a person pulled out of the bucket only three times has ever been on the fucking panel before but you my friend for some reason I think deserves it. How about one more time for William Montgomery, everybody? Brilliant. Brilliant.

Brilliant. And just a little bit funnier looking than the last guy that was on stage, just to show you the gap of what I was talking about. But William knows how to fucking work that shit. Funny story, that guy, we worked together at a Captain D's seafood restaurant a couple years ago

around the time of Hurricane Katrina. And, like, it was... It got real nasty, let's just say, when we were evacuating the store. It was... What did you do at the seafood restaurant? What was your job in particularly? I specifically would go around,

go to the napkin containers. I would fill up the napkin containers with napkins. I would every now and again go to the ice machine and see that there wasn't enough ice, but I would be too afraid to tell someone. Hell yeah. And I mean around Hurricane Katrina time, it was... I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for... I believe...

I have no idea what your last name is. So if your first name's Eric and you scribbled some dumb shit after that, then congratulations. Eric Ramos. Eric Rons. Eric Amos. Here he comes. Oh, no. That's... No.

Definitely not you. Poor Eric. Oh, wow. Here he comes. Eric, bad handwriting. Pena. Yeah. What the fuck is that?

How? Signed it like a check. Oh, okay. What's your last name? Eric Jones, everybody. Wow. Incredible. Second timer.

I was with you on punchline, actually. Anyways, so start the timer, Tony. Yeah, so San Francisco, feces on the sidewalk, right? And small dogs. And then, you know, Tex Hills guys wearing Patagonia, you know, vests downtown. But enough about that and what, you know, conversations you have in the Lyft or the Uber. Let's talk about me and my dating life at 39 years old. It's different versus, like, 25.

First date goes a little bit like this. is different versus like 25. First date goes a little bit like this. First date, if it goes well, they say, Eric, you know, you're kind of charismatic. I think you're funny. Second date is, you know, there's a wedding in town. I'd like you to come.

No big deal if you don't. Third date is, give me my fucking baby. Anyways, I don't juggle. Can we get some music going on? Yeah. But I'm down for the... Eric, just stop stretching the microphone. Yeah, take the mic stand away from you. Jeremiah, let these people struggle.

Sometimes you just come in like a lifeguard. I mean, my God. I wanted to see how long he was going to stay tied to that post, like some type of bad dog or something like that. How long have you been doing stand-up, Eric? Six years. Six years. And you kept the mic under the mic stand.

The cord under. You kept the cord. Anyway. Eric. You need to go through this tunnel that I have not. Hey, Eric. Are you more of a Speed 2 or Jumanji kind of guy? Answer the question.

Jumanji? Do you mean that? I can't tell if William Montgomery is really funny or just on the spectrum. Oh, wow. Jesus, wow. Hey, Eric, if you were to get a disease, which would be worse to get, lupus or lesion ears?

Lupus. William, are you reading those off of a piece of paper? I wrote these earlier. I wrote these earlier. Because I was interested to hear your Speed 2 or Jumanji joke, because not a lot of people know this, but I had an uncle. Four years ago, he died in the remake of Speed 2.

Oh, my god. What do you do for work there, Eric? Don't you mix up the questions? I feel like you ask the same questions every podcast. Wow, you must... Oh, shit. Yes, Eric. Really, really good one. You really got me, the host of a show that people came out to see tonight.

You fucking idiot. Yes, I ask a couple of the same questions. Does those questions have to do with stand-up comedy. I normally ask how long the person's done it, because believe it or not, unlike your performance, this show's about stand-up comedy. And then the other question I ask is, what do people do for work?

Just so that these people that also have jobs, don't you fucking interrupt me, these good American taxpayers in the audience who all work and in some way contribute to society, I like to see how a guy like you does. And the only people that ever have a problem with that are people that hate their jobs because they never push themselves

or chase their dreams or did what they actually wanted to do and they're probably a genuinely bad person that attacks any time that they feel uncomfortable. So they ended up doing things that they didn't want to do and that never made them feel good so they end up unhappy. So they end up feeling things that they didn't want to do and it never made them feel good, so they end up unhappy. So they end up feeling like they deserve an unhappy job,

so they end up just being unhappy for the rest of their lives. So anyway, what do you do for work? Can I have a moment to... Nope, now you have to answer my question. Unfortunately, Eric, you're on my fucking show, not yours. Yeah. I love comedy. I'm a tech sales guy. I'm a tech sales guy

I'm a tech sales guy cliche San Francisco guy that does I've always that is the truth but hold on but I feel like go ahead

you should have an outlet something that's meaningful and for me that's comedy I've been following you Tony that being said I've been watching your panels and a lot of times you're looking at your phone and you're not passionate about it you think during this show I look at my phone

that's one of the funniest things Brian we've been doing this show together oh you mean the timer that we're trying to get you off stage. That's what you think it is? You think it's a phone? You're so fucking stupid, Eric. You're taking shots at all the wrong places right now, which leads me to believe.

This is Tony's podcast. I wish you were more passionate about your whole platform. What are you talking about? Are you saying that just because you just fucking. I love comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We all love comedy. That's why we're on a fucking comedy show, Eric. That's why we all

fucking drove here in a big fucking giant ass van together and we haven't been doing it six years and burning bridges upon arrival. Should be making wishes in tunnels instead of burning bridges. Hey, Eric. Eric, I had a couple of relatives

like five years ago who got in a car crash, but here's my legitimate question to you. I've done a lot of reading in my time. Light in the attic or where the sidewalk ends? I want to say I'm really, I have a lot of gratitude to be up here.

I'm glad that I have the chance. God damn it. All you people pulled out of the bucket all say the same things. If I had six minutes, it would have gone deeper. Thank you guys. All you guys. We hate you. I've always...

We legitimately hate you. Small dick energy. Hey. I feel like that guy is the... By the way, a fun fact. The only person to ever walk off the show, ever, in the history of the show, was at the punchline in San Francisco. And I feel like it's the same fucking guy.

It is. Is it? You guys remember that? Is it really? Wow. What a scumbucket. No wonder he's afraid to sign his real last name because he's that ashamed of everything

that he's built in his life. It's incredible. All right. He was so hot, too. Oh, you guys like him again or something? All right. Amazing. All right. I know you say, too. Oh, you guys like him again or something? All right. Amazing. All right.

I know you say I'm this guy a lot, but, like, maybe we just caught him on a bad night, and, like, let's keep the energy positive in here, and let's get to the next comic. We're running out of time for episode one. That's two. We're running out of time for episode one. What do two. We're running out of time for episode one. What do you guys think?

Go back to the bucket one more time. All right, let's try this one more fucking time. Make some noise for Elijah Stanton. Elijah? Elijah Stanton. Elijah? Elijah Stanton? Is there movement? Is that Elijah? Is that Elijah?

Is he coming from up there? Who's up there? All right. Man. All right. Here he comes. One more time for your final comedian of episode 300, Elijah Stanton.

How's everybody doing? Woo! People parenting is crazy. Like, it's a little bit... Stanton. How's everybody doing? People parenting is crazy. It's a little bit different. It's a little different, you know what I'm saying? The other day I was at work. This lady came in. Her son was going all crazy

and everything. I'm sitting back like, man, this kid's about to get his ass whooped. She gets down and goes, excuse me, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, listening ears. Timmy, listening ears. My mom would have gave me a listening ass whooping. What the hell kind of shit is that? Listening ears.

But I swear it doesn't stop there, because the first time that I hung out with one of my white friends, one of my white friends, he said to his mom to shut the fuck up. He didn't duck, flinch, move, nothing. If I had a dream and asked my mom to please quiet down I would wake up to an ass whooping

like I'm just saying like one time my mom she told me that she wanted me to vacuum right so I'm just doing

what I'm supposed to do I'm gonna vacuum you know she got a phone call I got my ass whooped just for vacuuming while she was on the phone fuck yeah Elijah's standing for vacuuming while she was on the phone. Fuck yeah.

Elijah Stanton. Barely caught any of your set. I was here staring at my phone the whole time. But it sounded pretty good to me. You should be more passionate, fool. So how long have you been on stand-up? What do you do for work? Same question.

That was another joke. No, it's actually my first time doing stand-up? What do you do for work? Same question. That was another joke. No, it's actually my first time doing stand-up. Get the fuck out. Yeah. In that case, let me put a big ribbon on this episode because we're running way in the red right now. We're running way over time because we have to empty and fill back up again for one more thing by telling

you that that is by far one of the best first time ever sets we've ever had on the show. I can tell that you put a lot of heart and soul into it. You came out strong as fuck. You didn't show any weakness. You didn't use any pussyfoot excuses. You didn't

say hoof ha shit fuck, shit, fuck. Oh, I'm going to poop my fucking pants. You didn't say, oh, this is my first time. Bear with me. You came out and you delivered like a guy that's really been doing it for six years. Thank you. Thank you. And the guy that was doing it for six years seemed like a guy who was his first ever time tonight.

So, you know, that just goes to show you that, you know, you have a very special thing. William Montgomery? If you were to get a disease, which would be worse to get, lupus or lesionaries? I am going to force you to answer the question on that one. But seriously, are you more of a speed two or Jumanji kind of guy?

What was the first one? The question, do you have but seriously written down on that? All right, we're going to end this thing. Make some noise. First timer. Thank you. He's something special right there. That's Elisha Stanton.

E-Stanton 27. E-S-T-Alisha Stanton. E Stanton 27. E-S-T-A-N-T-O-N 27. One more time for that guy. Come on. Ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not, that was episode 300 of Kill Tony. Up next is episode 301 in less than 25 minutes. That fucker starts.

Ryan J. Ebelt made a print. He drew that entire episode. Look at Ryan J. Ebelt, everybody. Just like in our Hollywood episodes. He's here in the flesh. Look at that bad mama jam right there. How about you make some noise again for Vicky Reagan everybody. Ali

Makovsky, William Montgomery, Jeremiah Watkins. Patty Reagan was a special, special treat tonight. Aphrodite. The great Aphrodite's

national anthem. Chroma Chris, how'd you feel about tonight's episode? I'm X. You can't believe it's over. How about one more time for the great and powerful Joel Berg? Hey, I fucking love you guys, San Francisco. Peace out, eh? San Francisco, we love you guys so fucking much. This crazy love affair that we've had since the beginning,

you know, being an L.A. show and being so close yet so far from San Fran, but getting to make these trips and know that San Fran's filled with fucking animal fans of this show warms our hearts. We couldn't thank you enough. There's nowhere else we'd rather have the first ever Kill Tony Mania. There's nowhere where we'd rather have the first ever Kill Tony Mania. There's nowhere where we'd rather do episode 300. Thank you guys from the bottom of our hearts. We love you. Thank you.

Ryan Redman. Another one. Yeah, come on over, guys. Yeah. Thank you.