KILL TONY - KILL TONY #302

Episode Date: October 19, 2018

Jeff Dye, Erik Griffin, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 10/15/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes, including video portions to all the shows. And you can click on tour dates. Thank you. and then we're going on this huge Texas tour. San Antonio, Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates for all the info.

Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Go there for everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every single episode. You can go to RyanJEbelt.com to pick up a poster or a book or some prints. That's RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, go to Shopyanjebelt.com to pick up a poster or a book or some prints. That's ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, go to shopsquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, and you have a bunch of Death Squad merch that's just released,

like a new Death Squad hat and shirt, and we got new stickers and mugs. Go to shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is red band coming to you live from the road, famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Yeah, absolutely.

How's it going, everyone? We're here on a Monday at the number one live podcast in the world. You can make more noise than that, right? Prove to these people listening that we exist. The great Brian Redband is here. Hey, what's up, guys? And look, it's Ryan J. Ebel drawing tonight's episode. Just like he was on Friday night when we did two episodes of Kill Tony for the first time ever.

Kill Tony Mania at Cobb's Comedy Club. Boy, did we have a ton of fun. I saw episode 300 dropped today. Yep. And so you could check it out right now. For those of you listening to the live stream, you could just stop watching live and go watch episode 300 if you want. Yeah. I don't know why I would offer

that up to you, but there you go. We had so much fun. Special thanks to Cobb's Comedy Club. Alice Hamilton, the artist formerly known as Alice Rose that's been on the show a few times, took some amazing pictures. Oh, yes. George and Christian Hernandez and everyone that helped us out. The whole

big crazy thing. Van Dango or Bandango. If you ever need to rent an whole big crazy thing. Van Dango. If you ever need to rent an unbelievably crazy awesome van. That's an amazing van. The kids were in the back playing PlayStation on big TVs. The great Aphrodite was with us. Look at her. There she is.

Kill Tony legend. Got Kill Tony Mania kick-started by singing the National Anthem. Ended it by singing I Left My Heart in San Francisco. So much fun, those shows on the road. And when we're on the road, we don't get to stream live on YouTube like we are right now. Hello to the many, many people watching globally on YouTube. And good news, YouTubers, if you're in Connecticut, I'm going to be there this weekend doing stand-up at Mohegan Sun Casino. And then November 9th, we do another massive, massive, massive Kill Tony in Swansea, Massachusetts at Venus de Milo.

Smack dab right in between Boston and Providence. And then there's no sleep till Brooklyn because that next week it is San Antonio, Texas. Kill Tony in a stand-up show. The next day is Austin, Texas. 11-14, 11-15 in Houston, Texas. Kill Tony in a stand-up show. And then the next two days after that, we're in Fort Worth, Texas, doing four stand-up shows and one Kill Tony. Jesus. Yeah.

Ten days later, I'm in Baltimore, Maryland. And then New Year's Eve, I do stand-up and stand-up only in Dallas, Texas. I'll buy myself in Dallas on New Year's Eve. That should be fun, right? But it's fun touring, you know? And Kill Tony is coming to you.

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Subscribe now by going to lootcrate.com slash killtony and enter our code killtony to save an exclusive 30% off your subscription. Subscribe now by going to lootcrate.com slash killtony and enter our code KILLTONY to save an exclusive 30% off your subscription. You guys ready to start this show or what? Money in the bank. I'm so excited about tonight's show. As often happens, it is the return

of one of our most popular guests, and we're debuting someone's first appearance as a guest on this show. They are both, as always, two of the best comedians in the world. Make some noise for them. It's the one and only Eric Griffin and Jeff Dye. I guess two

and only would be the proper verbiage. It's not the one and only. It's two and only would be the proper verbiage. It's not the one and only. It's two and only right there. Heck yeah. You could do better than that. Here, get a little bit closer to me, Jeff. And Eric, you scoot down. I don't like how you're fully exposed out there.

I want you. Fully exposed. You got to watch out for some of these people. I'm a big man. I got to sit on the end. You know what I mean? I love it. Welcome back to the show, Eric. You are the host of riffin with

griffin yes my new podcast i'm late to the party but i'm here you are basically the cleanup crew for the party uh starting a pot you started it what last week yeah yeah like a week ago so i'm talking about nothing yet you know what i mean so no So no guests. It's just me riffing. Yes. Riffing with Griffin. I saw a little video clip. Tony will be a guest one day. Yes. Eventually I'll be on there.

I should have just brought my stuff with me and just like fake did it right now. And then it'll be a little riff riff with the Hinchcliffe. Yeah. See what I did there? I can rhyme too, motherfucker. Oh. Yeah. What rhymes with Hinchcliffe?

I just said riff riff. Hinchcliffe. Yeah. There's a lot. Yeah. Biff. Hitchcliff? I just said riff riff. Hitchcliff? Yeah, there's a lot. Yeah. Biff? I don't know. Come on, Spliff. Jump off a cliff.

Well, it is cliff. I know. Anyway. Brian doesn't know what a rhyme is. Right when I said it, I was like, God damn it. What rhymes with dog? Dog. Jeff Dye is the host of Jeff Dye's Friendship.

He told me backstage that he only has friends on as guests. And then that was all that he said. He did not invite me to do it. He didn't say. We always say, oh, going to have you on soon. That's common comedian talk with one another. I've invited you on before. He just looked at me dead in the eyes, just, I only have my friends on. I'm like, all right, Jesus.

Small circle, no one in, no one out. Catch him on The Tonight Show for his yet another appearance on the legendary Tonight Show on NBC. So those are our guests, and I'm super excited. We were in San Francisco. Yeah, yeah. You know, I left my heart there and I'm super excited. We were in San Francisco. I left my heart there and my butthole. Look how much he enjoys a stupid butthole joke.

I mean you really are a man child. Kill Tony, the code to exclusively save 30% off. Lootcrate.com We have a band Kill Tony, the code to exclusively save 30% off. Lootcrate.com. We have a band on this show. Every single week, they commit to staying in character.

You never know what they're going to do. They were unbelievable in San Francisco as they were Mexicans and app developers they were for the second episode of the night. My God, was it epic. Wait, Mexican app developers? No, no, no. Two different episodes on Friday night in San Francisco. Those don't exist.

I prefer Mexican. Yeah, I prefer Mexican app developers. That's good. Well, let's see what they're going to be tonight. It's always fun to find out what they're doing. They are just absolutely hilarious, and they are also the best damn band in the land. It is the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins,

Joel Burke, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. The Kill Tony Band. What? Wait, what? Oh my god. I believe they're fairies? Flowers.

What is it? And Jeremiah is some type of man-deer or something like that. This is what happens to Mexicans when they leave San Francisco. I don't want to sound like an asshole, but I'm a little bit confused on this one. Straight out of Narnia. Maybe you are a porn star with antlers? We are mythical creatures from the wood, Tony. Oh, okay.

Mythical creatures from the wood. Why on the day I'm here? These are the two fairies that I brought. Wow. Yes, indeed. Jeremiah has what appears to be Eric Griffin's old haircut and deer antlers.

No shirt. Looking good. Definitely not waking December this month. And from the bottom down he is a pro wrestler of some kind. Or a sheriff. My father was a deer and my mother was a goddess. Chroma Chris is clearly an adorable blue-haired fairy.

Well, thank you, Tony. And then back here we have Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, who... I'm a straight fairy, Tony. I love pussy. I don't think I've ever seen a straight fairy before. This is very exciting. Look in a mirror. All right.

Oh, wow. Okay. The wood creature, very celebratory about that joke. He's doing a moonwalk of some kind. That was a joke of the night. So here we are. We're with wood creatures, Eric Griffin and Jeff Dye. Let's do it.

It's Kill Tony live from the Comedy Store. This is it. You would think that was the whole show, but it's not. I have an entire bucket filled with comedians' names. Ichabod's Bucket of Destiny. Sometimes it'll be somebody's first time. Sometimes it's, you know, a 17-year veteran

from the woodlands, if you would, if you will. And you never know what's going to happen. I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds. You know your time's of the bucket, you get 60 seconds. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

So there you go. You know how it works. You guys ready to start this show or what? Here we are. Kill Tony, 302. I know the count now. I know exactly what episode this is 302 in san fran we had some amazing things happen we had a lot of people's first time so we had one guy basically break the game for the first time ever episode 301 the second show of the night a guy was so

unbelievable he was so fucking entertaining on stage. I think it was his first time, or he's fairly new, even if it wasn't his first time, that he got the first ever golden ticket, which entitled him to come any Monday here if he can make it to Los Angeles, and he gets to go on Kill Tony. Basically a regular ship all the way from San Francisco.

Doesn't it seem kind of unfair? Yeah, yeah, he's got to make the trip. What am I going to fly him? It's going to cost him like $700 to get this show. He could rent out this main room. He has the same material. All right, I pulled a name out of the bucket. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight

goes by the name of Julian Aguilar. All right. Sounds like a new name. A boy or a girl? I think it's a boy. Julian Aguilar, All right. Sounds like a new name. A boy or a girl? I think it's a boy. Julian Aguilar. Here he comes. It is a boy.

Oh, we know Julian. This might be his third week in a row on this show. One more time for Julian Aguilar, everyone. What's up, motherfuckers? How y'all doing? The first time I heard fuck, it was from my mom. She was like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, yeah. I stay in the hood. I stay in the hood.

The first time I was in the hood, I knew I was in the hood because I went to church and the church had security cameras. I was like, damn, this shit's sketchy. I knew I was in the hood because I went back next week and the security cameras were stolen. I was like, shit, these some badass motherfuckers, man. I went back next week and the security cameras were stolen. I was like, shit, these some badass motherfuckers, man. I went back home, I saw my uncle, and saw a new security cameras around the house. I said, it was you. He's like, yeah man, welcome to the hood.

I was like, all right, shit. Before I leave, I just want to say, give Kanye West back his banana, all right? He's angry. Holy shit. What the fuck? It's the Apollo 13. Holy shit.

It's the Apollo 13! Holy shit! Oh my god, my favorite thing in the world. I'll tell you right now. I think it was three weeks ago we met the Apollo 13 for the first time. And I think you pretty much

already have it figured out. They are representatives for the black people. And I love that you guys are making your second ever appearance. Because what the fuck did you just say? Julian Aguilar? What does that mean? Wait, what? I don't even want to repeat it.

I'm into, like, loot-creating shit, dude. I can't say that. So no golden ticket? No. Julian, what does that joke mean to you? He's, like, angry and just saying a lot of shit. You're glossing over the... Yeah, talk about the banana. Tell us about the banana part.

You called him a monkey and you needed a banana. You inferred it. Isn't that what you were trying to do? Just own it, man. It's okay. All creatures are welcome in the woods. So what did you mean by that? This is where Julian realizes he has to walk by the Apollo 13 to get back to his seat.

Tony. Tony, the Apollo 13 is from a different forest. They are from the Wish a Motherfucker Woods. Jolberg has been activated early in the episode. We are on high alert. I'm going to have to borrow this band for riffing with Griffin.

No amount of magic that I cast your way will help you from getting your ass beat. For those of you listening to the podcast, Julian's been very lucky lately. This is like your third week in a row on the show or something like that. Yeah. Yeah, I remember we called your aunt and uncle last week. We got a hold of your uncle. He said he was proud of you. Did he come out tonight to watch you get your ass beat? No.

No? Yeah. The monkey banana part came after the meow. Yeah. Does that mean he went longer to do that part? Yeah. No, yeah. I know. You could have been saved by do that part. Yeah. No, yeah. I know.

You could have been saved by the meow part. Yeah, you could have been like, oh, that's my time. Guess I'm out. I can't do my banana joke. Yeah. But I think I know what you were doing. I think you came to the very honest realization that your church security camera bit was such dog shit that you wanted to clear our memories of it and you're just like,

fuck it, Kanye's a monkey, good night. Am I close to right about that? Where you try a little men in black memory eraser there? Trying to save my soul, yeah. He just holds the mic up. I killed. So Julian, what kind of hood do you live in? I find it hard to believe.

For those of you listening, he looks like a fucking 13-year-old little fucking Ernie from Sesame Street. The hood that he's in is white and pointed. These fuckers are on fire right now What part of the hood do you live in Julian? I'm staying in Compton right now

Really? Yeah What part of Compton? El Segundo? Or as he calls it Banana Central Oh my god I can tell you're super uncomfortable Oh, my God. I can tell you're super uncomfortable right now. Oh, really?

This is you not being uncomfortable? He's used to this. He lives in Compton. He's used to almost getting ready to be beat up by black people. I don't think your neighborhood is going to like that banana joke at all. No. No. We have a lot of listeners in Compton. Compton Next Door.

That would be hilarious. The Next Door app, Compton. They're going to be talking about you. Can we talk about the intro? The mom shit? Yeah, yeah. What was that? You really forgot about that. Yeah.

I mean, there was so much. What was that? You really forgot about that. Yeah. I mean, there was so much that... What was that about? You listening to your mom fucking? My parents used to fuck all the time. And I used to hear them. Well, you are Latino. All the time.

But you don't live with your parents anymore, right? No, that's when I was younger. When you were younger? You're like 11. Alright. How long ago did you move in with your aunt and uncle? A year ago. I moved here

in LA a year ago and I've been doing stand-up for a year now. Where are you originally from? Florida. Oh, okay. There you go. That explains that joke. What'd you move out here for? To do stand-up.

Wow. Man. How's it been going for you? He could have said, like, engineer. It would have been just as funny. He could say he's a Mexican tech developer. So how are you surviving? You have a job?

No. He already asked me this. Dude, it's another episode, Julie, and you got to roll with it. Sometimes someone goes on Letterman more than once, and Letterman's like, hey, what are you working on? And it's a different project, but you still are an unemployed little racist 12-year-old. Sorry. Sorry I had hope for you. Sorry I thought things would get better this week. All right, Julian. Well, it's true. You've been very lucky. You've gotten on the show three times in three or four weeks, and

what are you going to do? What could we possibly do? You're 12 years old. You're going to get better at this. Keep going up. Be less racist. If you're going to make a... I mean, that was...

Think it out a little. That would have ended my career. Yeah. I mean, yeah. You got to work on it. Just jokes. Yeah, it's just... Well, here's the thing with the just jokes thing.

It's just jokes if people laugh. If it's just like a fucking thing and everybody's like, huh? Then it's just racist. There he goes, Julian Aguilar, ladies and gentlemen. Getting the party started. I will say this. A compelling way to start the show.

He's walking past them right now. Here he goes. He's walking... That sound effect was a little racist. You got machine guns. How ironic would it be if he slipped on a banana peel all the way out? All right, I pulled the name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Vanessa Jiha.

Vanessa Jiha. That's a girl. Yeah, for sure. Here we go. Here she comes. Perfect. Clap your hands one more time for Vanessa Jihad.

I'm a little confused because I didn't expect to be called, but it's cool. So I have a niece, and sometimes I feel like I could just, I don't have to write jokes. I could just like spend time with my niece, and that's where I would get my jokes from. Like the other day, I took her to the store, and she pointed at this medicine, and she's like, oh, that's my daddy's medicine, and turned out it was Viagra, but I had to explain to her, look, this is Viagra, and she's like, what's Viagra? I'm like,

girl, you're going to find out one day. One day you will find out. And, you know, my niece, she's so cute. She says that her daddy has hair here, here, and here. And I'm like, wow, I don't know. I don't know if I should be concerned. You know, she knows way too much about her daddy that she should, you know. It's kind of crazy. I'm from Africa if I should be concerned. You know, she knows way too much about her daddy that she should, you know. It's kind of crazy. I'm from Africa, and I have an accent, yes. Yeah, I'm here now. Thank God I have food and everything, so I'm here to stay.

I'm not migrating back. And I just hate the fact that people say African people talk like this. Because the only time you hear that noise is if it's two anorexic people having sex, okay? Bones clicking and shit. There you go. Vanessa Jiha. Welcome to the show, Vanessa. How's it going?

This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah, this is my first time. Heck yeah. Yeah. How long have you been in America? Ten years. Oh, okay, cool. What part of Africa are you from?

Cameroon, Central Africa. Oh, okay. What's that like? What is it like? I mean, what is going on down there? Julian Aguilar hit that button. For those of you listening to the podcast, he came up here, went to Red Band Soundboard.

It's chaos. But seriously, what makes Cameroon different than other parts of Africa? Is there any fun facts? No white people for sure. No white people? All right. Sounds lovely. Who do you blame your problems on there?

Oh, my God. Jesus. Like on fire today. Good grief. I'm legit impressed with you today. God damn. Oh, shit. All right.

How did that not get a Joel Berg chant, by the way? Oh, because we don't want to be that racist. It's a golden ticket, this motherfucker. All right, Vanessa. So you've been here 10 years. How long have you been on stand-up? About two years. Two years? Yeah, like in French.

In French? Yeah, I just kind of switched. Oh, wow. Can you give us a line in French? I'd love to hear you speak French. Oh. Je m'appelle Vanessa. Je viens du Cameroun.

What does that mean? Is that about Viagra? I mean... That never gets old. Anyway. So why French? Why have you been doing it in French if you've been living in America? That's my first language. We have a big French community in the DMV. The DMV? DC, Maryland, Virginia. Oh. Yeah. Oh. I thought you lived in the Bureau of Motor

Vehicles for a second. I wish there were also no white people. Okay. What do you do for work? people. Okay. What do you do for work? Well, I'm a hairstylist. Oh, cool. Yeah. Yeah. You do all types of hair? Boys, girls? Yeah. White people? Yeah, white, Asian, you know, white get braids too. Oh, you specialize in braids? Yeah. Did you say Asian? Yeah. Has there in the history ever been an Asian person with braids? Plenty of them, yeah. Wow. I would love to see that. My goodness. Hmm. Alright.

Do you ever get a little offended when a white person or an Asian person asks for braids? Isn't it a little bit culturalistically over the line? No. I mean, they pay better than black people. Oh! I have to eat!

The Apollo 13 is the greatest edition of this show ever. She's looking at them like, well, tip, motherfucker, tip. My goodness, they do pay better than man, I've never heard a black person say that before about black people. All right.

Well, that's very honest of you. Apollo 13 was like, Houston, we have a problem. So, all right. Vanessa, what do you do for fun? What does someone from Cameroon in America do for fun? I go to clubs. Yeah?

What do you do at the clubs? You dance? Yeah. You drink? I do. I dance, I drink. What do you like to drink? Get to know people.

Well, I'm black, so Hennessy and Coke. Wow. All right. All right. Seems like you won back your friends over there. Hennessy and Coke. Have you ever shot anyone with one of those darts in the straws? Oh, my God.

Brian. Have you? Have you ever shot anyone with one of the darts in the straws? No, no, no. Have you? Have you ever shot anyone with one of the darts in this draw? What is happening? She's from Africa. Okay. There's no holds barred. We're really from Africa.

How'd you get to come here, just out of curiosity? Just school. I came here in an orb of light. I'm not really sure how I came to be. I don't know how I entered your galaxy or dimension, because I was playing with my mother in the woods earlier today. How'd you get to come here? How did I? What do you mean? Can you, like...

Like, I mean, I don't know. It just seems like I don't really know how it works. It seems like this would be a pretty nice place for Africans to get to come to. And I'm just sort of curious. By choice you mean, right? Yeah. I mean, how did you get to work that? Because normally you guys get back in the day, you know, the African to get here, you had to get, you know what I mean. I thought this was going to be good for my career.

I think what he's saying is like, it's hard to move to America, you know, like leave a country. Was it school or were you sex traded or something like that? Oh, Jesus God. My God. Red band.

Red band. Brian's getting reamed by the Apollo 13. Yes, we know you're joking. So, all right. Well, Vanessa. Did you answer? Was it school or family? Yes, school. What did you answer was it school or family what did you study I studied psychology

oh okay you got into hair I'm sorry for money what's your favorite part about doing stand up comedy what do you love about it I love that I can enlighten people about what Africa really is. Because, you know, it's like people really think we're like just people don't really have a clear idea of what Africa is.

Hell yeah. So my jokes are mostly about like bringing out, telling people, okay, this is what you've been thinking about African. And this is what really African is, and this is how stupid it sounds. So I kind of put that in jokes and stuff. I love that. What part of town do you live in? I live in how do you call

that? The jungle? Crenshaw. Ah, Crenshaw. I don't know, that's what people told me when I first came to life. Well, you must feel very at home there. I'm talking about Africa. That's so stupid. This is one of the oddest, most racist starts to any show I've ever seen in my entire life.

I live on top of a frozen pond. And if I'm lucky, I will be invited Into a groundhog's house With a nice chimney supper Alright That's someone I would have on Jeff Dye's friendship podcast Hey look at that You just got booked woodland creature You seem delightful

I want to work in this business someday Alright There she goes her first time ever on Kill Tony Vanessa Jiha, everybody. Come on. On Twitter, Vanessa is funny. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Let's get another human up here.

Let's see what happens. This is the first time I'll be like, let's get a white man up here. Make some noise for Steph Wayne. Steph Wayne. Boy or girl for Steph Wayne. Steph Wayne. Boy or girl? Oh, girl. Okay. Hey, hello, hello.

Where are my queers at? Hey, okay, happy National Coming Out Day. I came out to my dad. I was like, Dad, I'm really gay. To which he said, but forever? I was like, I don't know. We'll see how it goes.

I'm having this, like, gay-bue, which is like a gay debut. It's a time in a queer person's life, you know, when they first come out. And, man, I'm just, like, really excited to go up to my middle school bullies who called me a faggot every day on the bus and finally say to them, you were right. Living the dream. I survived my first lesbian day. I showed up to a bar. This girl Carrie introduced me to her like friend Steve. I was like, fuck. I just got tinder catfished into a threesome. Which like threesomes make me so anxious because it's like, why would I want to cry in front of two people? Threesomes make me so anxious because it's like, why would I want to cry in front of two people? It's like, one is already 10 too many.

Okay. There's a lot of stereotypes about lesbians. Okay, cool. We'll get to it later. You want to finish it? You can if you want. Yeah, I can finish it. A lot of stereotypes about lesbians. Okay, stereotypes about lesbians.

Say lesbians like to U-Haul. I think that's offensive. Because, like, why would I rent a U-Haul. I think that's offensive. Because, like, why would I rent a U-Haul when there's so much room in my Subaru? Like, don't people know that the seats fold down?

Okay. There you go. Steph Wayne. This is your first time on Kill Tony? I was on, like, six months ago, so. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Were you out as a lesbian then? I had like just broken up with my boyfriend slash he broke up with me. Oh, I do remember that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah.

And now look at you now. Just out and suffering. You're just a lesbian. You played that same song last time. It's like the only Melissa I've ever seen. So how's lesbianism going for you? Terrible, thank you. Is it really?

It's so hard. Dating is hard for everyone. I see her walking alone in the woods quite often. You remind me of my ex, Tinkerbell. Is it hard because you just can't find somebody, or is it just that women are bitches? Yeah, I think women are bitches. No, I don't think women are bitches.

I want to date them. I feel like dating is just rough because it's like L.A. I feel like L.A. is like, you know, it's like how can I, like you shake with like resumes first. I've never really gotten that L.A. is hard. Like there's so much shit to do. Can I ask a question? Can I step in?

Hell yeah, just do it. My step in? Is this the first time that you've gone on stage and said this about yourself? No. Are you still nervous about doing it? Or are you just nervous about how weird it's been up to this point? Yeah. You seem a little nervous, but I want to commend you on coming up and just being like,

I'm going to do it. I'm going to say it. You say dating is hard. Is it because dating is hard or you don't miss men at all? I live with my ex, so I get a lot of mental energy still. And he's a man. You live with your ex. I do. We're like

best friends. Who's getting more pussy, you or him? I don't want to comment on that. Also, that might affect why you're having trouble in the lesbian community if you're living with your ex-boyfriend. I feel like I tell people we're like a lesbian version of Will and Grace, you know?

Like Wilma and Grayson. But much sadder. No! Just like drier, I guess. I don't know. What do you do for... Did you say drier? Yeah.

He's drier? Is that what you said? He's... No, I said it's just drier. He said it was sad, but I was like, no, it's drier. Is there a kind of girl that you are attracted to?

Like a butchie or do you like a lipstick? I kind of like more like femme women. Yeah, but also just kindness. I don't know. I'm like boring, I guess. of like femme women. Yeah, but also just kindness. I don't know. I'm like boring, I guess. I like nice people.

Right, right. So your ex-boyfriend that you live with, though, he's still straight. You guys didn't both come out at the same time or anything like that. No, I only asked him. You're like, I'm gay. He's like, well, you know what?

I'm gay. Fuck you. Anything like that? He's still straight? Is he ever like, are you sure? Now? I'm gay. Fuck you. Anything like that? He's still straight? Is he ever like, are you sure? Now you guys have more in common, though. You both like ladies. Exactly. I said it to my dad.

I was like, yo, we are on the same page. We're attracted to the same thing. Man, he's totally... Your ex-boyfriend has to be one of the saddest humans on the planet. Shut up! He's not! I mean, he's just fighting back the tears when you're like, oh my god, how cute is that, this chick?

And he's just like, yeah, totally. I think I'm gonna start stand-up comedy. Have you guys ever talked about it? Did he know? Did he secretly kind of always feel like that? Yeah, he told me that I was gay. Yeah, definitely. He was like, babe, I smell pussy on your breath.

Uh, you're like, no, I just had a filet of fish. I swear. Oh God. Oh my God. No,

he did know. Um, yeah, he was just like, I think you're kind of gay. Like, let's just, how did he know that though?

Like, what was that? Like, what would you do? Like, just, what would you do? Just go down on him and eat his gooch?

And his douche? What? Welcome to another episode of Eat His Gooch, live from the coffee store. Thank you to our band, Melissa Etheridge. Every time he would ask for heads, she would go down on her strap-on. What?

Yeah. Really, why do you think you were gay? I've always just struggled. We're still on the strap-on. Cool, cool. I feel like I've always just sort of struggled with it, and it was pretty clear.

I think, my mom's also gay, and we grew up in like a really conservative pennsylvania town and so like i think moving to la you know it was sort of like uh you can learn to like yourself here so it was kind of like on the journey of just being like i'm okay do you feel pressure now doing comedy that all your jokes have to be about being gay do you want to be like that or is that that... Do we want to be like that? There's nothing wrong with that. I'm just saying, that's what you want to do?

Well, I mean, I feel like you talk about yourself on stage, so, I mean, that's me. I don't know. I like that you're nice. I know that's not a joke or nothing, but a lot of ladies

that are succeeding in comedy right now are doing the shtick of like, I like pizza more than I like people. And I like that you're nice. Thank you. Yeah, you seem like a delight. You seemed likable right away, and I was rooting for you.

Me too. Me too. Good energy. Hashtag me too. Hashtag me too. Great. You're also a lesbian. Amazing.

Let me ask you this. When did your, how old were you when your mom came out to you? I was in fifth grade. Fifth grade. Yeah, so I was 11. Right. Now, do you think that your coming out was delayed because it was

something that you were trying to like push back in or do you think that it's something that's always been there? I think I never claimed it, honestly, until I moved out here. Because I think I had to see like other women, like I saw other other lesbian comics. Where are you from? Pennsylvania. You think dating lesbians

is hard in Los Angeles. Your mom must have had it horrible. Yeah. Well, my mom dated a teacher in the school district, so we had to keep it a secret so she wouldn't lose her job. She dated the only other lesbian in your conservative Virginia town. Right, right. Wow. They actually did try to fire her.

The teacher that she dated was a gym teacher? No. She was a soccer coach. Of course, yeah. That's how it always is. The only balls she's dealing with. Basically, yeah. So let me ask you this.

Have you gotten a chance since coming out? What's it been, four months? It's been like six months. Six months. Have you gotten a chance? All we know is months. Six months. Have you gotten a chance? All we know is dating is hard, but have you gotten a chance to really have a true hookup yet? Yeah. Oh, what was that like? If you could just describe every moment of it.

Nice and slowly. Very sexual. Can we get the French girl up here to translate? Where did it start? Where did you guys meet up? I don't know. I feel like... I don't want to give you weird details. Did you meet her on the internet? I did.

When you guys met, did the whole room smell like catfish? No. It's a lesbian pussy internet meetup joke. Go ahead. Where did you guys meet at? I don't really want to say. Plentyofplentyoffish.com? Okay, okay.

It was like a hookup, right? It was like a hookup. You're testing it out. Just fuck me. No, it was like at a... I don't mean physically. I just mean like kill me. I met this woman at a hotel.

It's fine. You met her at a hotel? I did, yeah. Her hotel? No, it was just like a hotel. You guys got a hotel room together? Yeah. You did it fancy style.

You don't have to tell us all this. Just tell us her name. Wait, wait, wait. Was it a three-star hotel? Four-star hotel? Yeah, what are we talking about? Was it a hotel bar? I'll tell you that.

Was it the Sunset Villa down here? Oh, this is so embarrassing. No, it's okay. She just was in town. So it wasn't even like, she's from Australia. Wait, wait. Have you felt like you didn't want to bring your family? She just was in town. She's from Australia. Have you felt like you didn't want to bring girls to your boyhood? Yeah, that feels very strange.

I got you. She was from Australia? Did she go down under? I don't want to answer that question. But yes, okay. How about Outback? Did she go Outback? No.

The audience is so into that. I mean, I'd be game, but yeah, no. Cool. What hotel was it? I'm dying to know. Comfort Inn? I wish I could remember. That makes me seem so silly.

Gaze Inn? Yeah. It was probably in like West LA somewhere for sure. Did you put your shrimp on her Barbie? What does that even mean? That's the first one of the night. I know what I did. Uh-oh, that is...

I just want you to know I know what I did. Deal with it. All right. Well, Steph, congratulations on coming out and talking about it and happy coming out day indeed. There she is. Steph Wayne. She's on Twitter. It's stayfunny underscore Wayne. W-A-I-N.

You guys having fun out there? Back to the bucket we go. I have my hand deep in a bucket. Just like Steph Wayne after a hotel meetup. Make some noise for Jesse Campos. My hand deep in a bucket, just like Steph Wayne after a hotel meetup. Julian again. Make some noise for Jesse Campos. Jesse Campos.

Boy or girl? Here he comes. It's Peter Parker. Here he comes. One more time for Jesse Campos. Hey, guys. Halloween came early. I hung out with my mom today, which is pretty cool.

She supports my comedy, which is what I like. She also supports me being gay. The only problem I have with that is that I'm not gay. I like taking dick pics, but I don't send them to women, though. I just like that the camera adds ten pounds. Ladies. I think sword swallowing's really cool. I think there'd be more sword swallowings if everyone just got it right first try.

Like, how did sword swallowing even start? Like, hey, I misplaced my scabbard. Anyone know where I could put my sword? Well, I have an idea. If you ever want to entertain someone, you can make a dog out of a balloon. But if you want to terrify someone, you can make a balloon out of a dog.

I realize you can only keep someone's ashes if you knew that person. Like, you just can't keep a stranger's ashes. Whose ashes are these? I don't know. That's it. Fuck yeah. Jesse Campos.

I love the confident nervousness. You know what I mean? You're nervous, but you're still confident that this is going to fucking kill. You know, that's a lot of carbon dioxide. Oh, my God. Science joke. Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. All right. You're a nerd. I like it. Oh, yeah. Yes. Big nerd. Fuck.

Yeah. I love your nerdy T-shirt. Definitely looks like it's straight out of loot crate. Yeah. When you were sponsoring it, I was like, I totally want that. Heck yeah. Well, you can save 30% off your first month right now using the promo code

KillTony at LootCrate.com. I have enough clutter on my desk. You must order by this week to guarantee yours, or they will sell out. What's it called? Loot Crate. It looks as if he is the accountant for the band My Chemical Romance What's funny, when I was pulling up

to the parking lot, I was actually playing My Chemical Romance Is that true? Wow, Jeremiah's on fire From the Minotaur I am not a Minotaur My father was a deer and my mother was a goddess Take that back

You're the offspring of a minotaur. You'd be a minotaur. I am not a minotaur. A deer and a goddess? Yes. Jesse, you should know exactly what he is. I'm pretty sure you admitted that you're a wood creature during your set. Oh, okie dokie.

That did not get anything at all. That was pretty impressive. A wood creature. I thought that was pretty clear. But I guess not. So, Jesse, let's get into it. It's your first time on the show, right? Indeed so. Hell yeah.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Well, I did my first open mic in 2017 of January. But I just worked a lot of night shifts. That was the weirdest way to say a date. Like, what the? You should have said that in old English. It would have been better. 2017 of January.

Oh, well, what's going on? It was about a fortnight. I'm trying. I just worked a lot, like, last year. So, um... I started beginning the... What do you do for work? It's ten months. What do you do for work?

I work two jobs. I work in a cafe during the week, and then I work in a... Duh. And then I work in a dive bar on the weekends. Double duh. Double duh. What kind of dive bar? Not a gay bar?

No, it's Copper Blues. Oh, okay. Copperhead Blues? Is that what you said? Copper Blues. Oh, okay. Is it by an improv? Yeah, it's Copper Blues. Oh, okay. Copperhead Blues? Is that what you said? Copper Blues. Oh, okay. Is it by an improv? Yeah, it's in Oxnard. Oh, okay. We know that comedy club

there. Yeah, it's getting popular. How long have you been working there? About over a year now. Oh, okay. And you said you're gay. January of 2007. No, I'm not gay. It's a joke that my mom thinks I'm gay. Oh, so you're actually not gay. Yeah, okay. And you said you're gay? January of 2007. No, I'm not gay. It's a joke that my mom thinks I'm gay. Oh, so you're actually not gay. Yeah, ladies.

And you think I'm a minotaur. Oh, you're calling your mom a liar? So you're not gay. Well, yes. What are you? I'm Mexican. Okay. Full-blown Mexican.

I'm trying to find out Full-blown Mexican. I'm trying to find out what the Mexican version of an Uncle Tom would be. Uncle Tomas? How old are you, Jesse? I'm 23. 23? Yeah. 20 plus three years in the glimmer of the moonlight.

That's fun. You have a lot of tattoos. You seem, you know, you're pretty much owning a lot of the nerd stuff that's coming at you. What is so nerdy about you, if you could ramble off some things? I don't know. I don't get laid. That might be number one. When's the last time you got laid? Like a year.

Like maybe a year. Yeah, what happened there? Was it before the job or? Interesting. Exactly one year ago, a fairy was sodomized in the woods. I told you that in confidence, you son of a bitch. What the fuck? These guys coming to Fox in the spring.

What happened how to go down a year ago? Let's try to figure out how we can make this a common occurrence. The real question is, are you living with your lesbian girlfriend now? I do not live with a lesbian. We just want to make sure it's not him. You live with your parents still?

I take care of my grandmother. Oh, cool. I don't think it means that kind of take care That's a nice way of saying he lives at his grandma's house Yeah Well she's 94 she's like bedridden Wow so you were raised by your parents right?

Or no? I was raised by my mom You were raised by your mom And when did you move from your mom's to your grandma's? 18? Well I moved out to like a friend's house Like at 18, 19. And then I just

lived with buddies until I was like 22. I moved back last year. How long have you been living with your grandma? It's been about a year now. Alright, so the last time you got laid was just before you moved in with your grandmother. Yeah. Did you fuck your

grandmother? No, no. And you're like, you know what? This was so good. I'm moving in, baby. Alright. Alright. Howdy! You don't want to laugh at my wood creature joke? You're punishing them? Yeah.

That's what I do. Have you been on dates? Like, are you just not meeting anyone at all, or they're just not into your tight pants? I don't know. Actually, I'm a big fan of my tight pants. I like the tight pants as well. Also, you work at a great place to meet, to meet gal.

Dive Bar's perfect, and a cafe. We have a live band that plays and DJs, so I never actually get to have one-on-one conversations because loud music's playing. Yeah, bands are the worst that way. Man. So, have you ever tried to take a girl back to your grandma's place? No, that's just so awkward.

Yeah, it's like impossible, right? Yeah. Just smash at work, dude. So, what do you like to do for fun? If you're not getting laid and you're not and you're working two jobs, what do you like to do for fun if you're not getting laid and you're not uh and you're not and you're working two jobs what do you like to do to take a load off what is it fortnight i hate fortnight i don't like fortnight oh yeah yeah it's a terrible game yeah okay what do you

do for fun well i drive out to open mics almost every day and out here so i don't really have a lot of free time but when i'm not doing open mics, I like playing video games. I skateboarded for seven years. I don't have much time to do that, but I like doing it still. What are some of your favorite video games? Fallout? WWE? I played Fallout. Marvel? DC?

Because those are all available in Loot Crate. I play... Which you get 30% off if you use the code KILTONY. KILTONY is the promo code. Lootcrate. L-O-O-T-C-R-A-T-E. What is your game?

I mean, on Nintendo. I like a lot of Nintendo. I play on PC. I've been playing Monster Hunter. Why would you want to hunt a monster? Alright, Jesse. You seem pretty serious about your stand-up. You had a... What would we call that? A good set?

Oh, cool. Thanks. I bombed like three mics in a row last night. I like the balloon dog joke. Oh, yeah. I like that one too. Don't scrap that just because they didn't laugh. I thought it was funny. It popped me. I liked it. Thanks.

There you go. Jesse Campos, ladies and gentlemen, his first time on Kill Tony. Campos! Hell yeah. Let's get back to it. Back to the bucket we go. All right. This looks like bucket we go. All right. This looks like an interesting name.

Mfundo. Mfundo? Mfundo? Here we go. Make some noise for Mfundo, everyone. Boy or girl? Boy or girl? Boy.

Thank you very much. It is Fundo. I can't watch... I can't watch Game of Thrones with my white friends anymore because I watched it with my black friends and I couldn't go back. No, because once you watch it with black dudes, it's an event. It's like watching Game 7 of the NBA Finals every single Sunday. And you may not know what's happening because everyone's talking throughout the entire episode. But the energy's amazing.

The energy's just like, yo, check this shit out. She's about to burn this motherfucker, son. Yo, check it, check it. Yo, yo, yo, shit, Dracarys! Burn, bitch! What did I tell you, son? There's some other dragons, bro. As opposed to watching it with white guys

who just give you useless trivia. Dude, it's actually, like, interesting the way they wrote Arya Stark this season. She's like Lady Stonard from the book, man. But there's, like, a divergence, though, because she came back and shut the hell up Andrew I don't care thank you

fuck yeah I like it it's great say your name one more time for me it's Mfundo well the full name is Tutumfundo listen no one knows what the fuck you just said right now.

You're going to have to slow that down real slow. Give it to us in syllables. Mfundo. Mfundo. Mfundo. What exactly does that mean? It means no worries. All right.

I mean, you had to. I give it to him. But, like, you came up with, like, you had a serious attitude that he said your name wrong. And I got to think that that must happen 75 times a day, right? Yeah. So you were thinking, like, a nickname? Like, you know. Well, so I either go.

I mean, the first two letters of your name are MF. I know. I know. For those of you wondering why I called are MF. I know, I know. For those of you wondering why I called him Mufundo. Yeah, I know. That was the only part I didn't like was you didn't like that you didn't know how to, but it's a hard one. No, no, no, I was just correcting. I wasn't like, not in a bad way. No, you should have seen your face.

My apologies. Yeah, you was going to kill him. He was like, it's Mufundo. The MF is motherfucker. I don't know man, you gotta chill. But you were funny. I like the nerd references and you have a good style. I like his style.

The delivery I mean, right Tony? What you got? I like your delivery. I think you should stick with that. I like what you were talking about. It's good. You gotta work on, you might as well start talking about your name up front because.

Yeah. Well, the last time I was here, I did talk about my name. Oh. Yeah. You went with some new shit. Good for you. Yeah. I didn't want to do the same shit.

What do you do for a living? I work valet. Valet. Yeah. Okay. See, I couldn't. Okay. What?

And how long have you been doing stand up? It's going to be my second year in January. Valet? Yeah. Okay, so I couldn't. And how long have you been doing stand-up? It's going to be my second year in January. Second year in January. Everybody fucking started in January. So you started in 2017 of January? Yes. Wow. What are the odds of that, two in a row?

Was it like a New Year's resolution, or why? Yeah, my birthday is in January, so then I decided to do it for my birthday. The more you do it, do you find you have less fun or more fun? Touche. What day? Nicely done. He shoots.

He scores. I can't believe that. I got a brilliant applause break. I guess he wasn't gay. So now I sort of see why the wood creature thing got nothing. What day in January is your birthday? The 30th. Oh, I thought it was mine. Never mind.

What the fuck? I think that's two points. But if it was the same birthday as me, you guys would have lost your fucking minds. Oh, yeah. So it's a 1 in 30 chance. Way to take a shot, Joel Berg. Okay, so that's two in a row, technically. By the way, just remember,

if Joel Berg ever gets iced ten jokes in a row, he has to get a tattoo of my face and my entire name across his face. It's not going to be this episode. He's been on fire. Yeah, no, I know. Well, it's ten in a row. It could technically happen.

He's 20% there. That'd be crazy if he had nine in a row. Anyway. So, Mifundo. Mifundo, yeah. Yes. Or you can say, you can choose Tudor or Mifundo. So, Tudor is my favorite.

When you're watching Game of Thrones, is it kind of weird that it's very like Hodor? You know what I mean? It's got the same kind of weird shit. What does Hodor have? I don't get the question. I don't know. It's just something I was thinking about. How long have you lived in America?

I've been here since six years now. Sorry. What part of Africa are you from? I'm from South Africa. Oh. Oh. Sorry. Why?

Lots of white people there. I don't know if that's offensive. It's like the Edwards. Yeah. Too many. You took all the Cameroons, white people. It's like South Africa.

Who do you guys hate? Who do South Africans hate? No one, man. We have, like, the most diversity in the entire continent, so everyone's pretty much welcome if you want to go to Africa. But right now they're slaughtering white farmers everywhere, right? That's what the news tells you, but... No, everyone's being slaughtered.

Black or white farmers. There's no truth to it. Oh, okay, cool. Yeah, yeah. Cool. Just making sure. Thank God it's everything. I mean, we all got quiet. Even the no choosing. Oh, okay, cool. Yeah, yeah. Cool. Just making sure. Thank God it's every... I mean, we all got quiet.

Even the Apollo 13 got quiet on that shit. So, like, they stopped talking during that part. That was a very specific... I like that. That's a very, you know... I like that. He really let us know. They're killing everybody.

Right. It went from, oh, we're the most diverse, beautiful place. Oh, they're slaughtering everyone. I think he really meant that the news is making it seem like only white people are getting killed and a lot of black people are getting killed. That's what white people do.

That's the news, man. The people killing everybody. The people that are slaughtering everyone. What color are they? We'll be right back after these messages. We're taking our first ever Kill Tony commercial break, even though we're a live podcast. This.

And we're back, just like that. And we're taking phone calls from all around the world right now. The first time ever on this show. Yes, go ahead. Call her. No, don't do that. What is wrong with this episode? Great, great.

My God. Red band. Oh, how did it make you feel? Were you offended earlier when the little tiny boy, Julian Aguilar, made that Kanye banana joke. How did that make you feel? Oh, no, man, no. No, you felt. I think we've kind of let go of Kanye.

Wow. It's still a banana joke. The Apollo 13 appears to be about 50-50 on this one. Some of them are holding out. He's still black, though. Yeah. appears to be about 50-50 on this one. Some of them are holding out. Yeah. Kanye's like Chick-fil-A. I don't care about his politics.

The product's good, baby. That's right. I'm with you on that one. The product's still good. That's good. That is really good. That is good. All right. Well, it was fun to have you on the show again.

Thank you so much. Have a great day. There he goes Fundo He's on Twitter at Tuto Yep Back to the bucket we go

What did he say? He's using the A And the at A for Africa Yeah, but that's a weird That can't be a Twitter handle, right? No, I don't know. Because there's an at in it. That's weird.

It's Tudor Africa. Oh, okay. Tudor Africa. T-H-U-T-O Africa. Okay. There you go. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Rob W.

Rob W. This sounds like a white guy if I've ever heard it before. Plain ass white guy. That's my guess. It's a boy? Nope. Nope. Wow. We got a first blacklisting of the night. Wow. That's what we call it when someone misses their spot. They get blacklisted. African American listed. Okay, there we go. Jesus. Yeah, we'll count that as three. Yeah, that's number three. There you go. Seems like you might be in for a very, very long night. Alright. How about Nila Josianfiao? Very, very long night. All right.

How about Nila Josengfau? Nina Josengfau? Nina? Or Naya? Nila? N-I-L-A? Someone with bad handwriting whose name begins with an N and the last name begins with a G? Boy or girl?

Blacklisted. Nila Jose and Kyle. Oh boy. Two in a row. Feel bad. Some real fucking losers out there. People that sign up for things and then get scurred.

Okay. I know this guy's here. He's here pretty much every Monday. It's been a long time since he's been on this show. Make some noise for Michael Pena. Michael Pena. Boy or girl? That's a boy for sure. Boy. Boy. Michael is a boy. One more time for Michael Pena. Well, let's keep up the racism. I'm a Mexican software developer. That was for him.

No, I actually grew up in the projects. And in the projects, I learned a lot of things. One of the things I learned, my mother says to me one day, mijo, you know, if they call you a sissy, just throw rocks at them. So I threw rocks at them. They still called me sissy. They said, mijo, if they say it again just throw rocks at them. So I threw rocks at them. They still called me sissy. They said, mijo, if they say it again, throw chairs at them. So I threw chairs at them. It still worked.

So I had to do what a sissy had to do in the projects. I threw my pumps at them. Yeah, that solved that problem alright. Well anyways, later on in life, the boys decided they wanted to be in a gangbang. So I thought, wow, West Side Story, I'm going to do this one. Tony Boy's going to be there. I'm going to have some fun. I get there.

Lo and behold, whips, chains, fists, knives, and I get a scar, and I end up in the hospital. My mother goes to me, mijo, you've got to understand as a Mexican boy that if you want to get out of the projects, you have to work three shifts, eight hours a day. So my friends, that's how I became a drag queen. In a business suit, of course.

Okay. Thank you very much. That's it. This is a goddamn anomaly here tonight. Either everything's been about being black or being gay, and then you came up being gay talking about black things. Yet again. No, that's true.

Being a gay guy in the hood. I lived in the hood. I lived in the projects in Phoenix. Wait a second. Phoenix has projects? Yeah, they do. Dupavilla Projects. Wow.

That's where I was born and raised. How old are? Yeah, they do. Dupa Villa Projects. Wow. All right. That's where I was born and raised. How old are you, Michael? 57. 57. Yes. You're a gay man. 57.

How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? A year. I started here. A year. You started on Kill Tony? Right. Correct. Wow.

That's so cool. And yeah, I've seen you pretty much every week I feel like since then, right? Yeah. I come here. Okay. All right. What do you do for work again? Yeah, I come here. Okay. All right. What do you do for work again? Well, I do a lot of things. I am a software developer, but I also produce some films.

Yeah. Solo. Game. No, no, no, no, no. I actually just finished a film. Racist choir over here. I just finished a film with Ed Asner and some people, and we just finished this summer.

Is it Ed Asner or is it Ed Asner? You know what I'm talking about? Gay porn. No, no, no. Daniel Gay-Lewis and Tom Spanx. How long have you been renting suits from the Penguin? That's actually number four. I know.

Now. Yeah, you much like peng four. I know. Now. Yeah, you much like penguins. Look at his suit. Ice striped. Whoa, he's still going. Watch out. Yeah, I don't care. Whoa.

You're a gay man. You have the worst fitting suit on a gay man I've ever seen in my life. Number five. Whoa, you better chill. I'll get a tattoo just to go off right now. The Jolberg is melting down. This is more awkward than the time I made love with a badger at a babbling brook

and the owl told everybody in the forest. Oh my god. Okay. Michael Pena just okayed Jeremiah's woodland creature. One. So Michael, it's been a while since you've been on this show. What's been

going on in your real life since then? Like, you know, other than making movies and you know, making software. Like, what's been going on in your personal life? Anything fun? You have a boyfriend right now? No, no, no. I sweared off dating about six and a half years now.

You swore off dating? Yeah, I swore off dating. So then you're not really gay, are you? Unless you masturbate really good. Well, I have a story about that, but yeah, I'm still pretty gay. Well, what makes you gay if you're not fucking dudes? You said he's not dating. I'm not dating.

No, no, I'm not having sex either. That's crazy. Oh, wow. So what are you doing? What are you doing that's so gay? Watching pro wrestling? Like, what makes you gay? See, I can make fun of myself.

Well, if I was a lesbian, you'd probably want to know what I did the last time I had sex. So since I'm gay, you want to know what I did the last time I had sex? Sure. Oh, there we go. We got some people. What? I don't know what the fuck, what kind of gay riddle you're trying to do on us right now. Would anybody like to guess my gay sex, gay sex, gay sex?

Like what? Yeah. So what the fuck did you just say? I said you wanted to hear what the lesbian was going to do for sex. Since I'm a gay guy, would you like to hear what I did for sex? Sure, yeah. I think I asked you like four minutes ago. Oh, no.

Well, it's actually been six and a half years, and I had a very long-term relationship with my wife. So you are tight right now. Oh, shit. Hell, yeah. That's true. Wow. Do you do like

Oh now you're ooh What do you So what made you swear it off Six and a half years ago What happened What kind of black cock Penetrated you so hard That you're just like

I will never need to get fucked again After this No no no I only dated tall white boys anyway. Whoa. For those of you listening to the podcast, he said tall white boys, and he gave Jeremiah Watkins a fucking look from the head.

Some of the most unstable antlers I've ever seen in my life. So, Michael, what happened six and a half years ago? I got to know. No, nothing. I just decided that I wanted a long-term relationship with a guy who wouldn't cheat. Oh. Oh, shit. Damn.

What's so bad about cheating? Have you been cheated on a lot? Yeah, for the most part. Yeah, gay men come from different values, I guess. I just wanted a long term relationship with a guy who didn't cheat. So instead of... Wow, you are gay. Yes. That is true. That is one of the gayest things I've ever

heard in my life. Just a long term. I just wanted a man to cuddle with every morning. Don't we ladies? Don't we want that too? I think so. Don't we ladies? What the fuck is going on in this world right now? How can you say we ladies?

I don't know. Alright. Alright. Wow, so you haven't been on a single date. going on in this world right now. How can you say we lady? All right. All right. Wow, so you haven't been on a single date. What if some dude was like, hey, dude, I'm gay and I want to fuck you, dude. No date, let's just go fuck dick and butt right now. No dinner, no nothing. Straight to dicks and butts. What would you say

to that? No, thank you. Really? What if he's like, hey, dicks and butts right now, nothing before, but afterwards I'm going to cuddle with you for one year. What would you say to that? Definitely not. Definitely not. Okay, how about this? What if he's like

dicks and butts right now, no pizza, no appetizers, do not pass go, and I'll cuddle with you forever. I will just lay in your bed forever waiting for you. How about that? How big is your bank account? No, it's not me.

No, it's not me, Michael. I'm not asking. You said, okay. You seem like such a great guy, and then you hit us with how big is your bank account. Oh, it's Joe. But if there was a guy that went sad. No, I think that the best relationships I've had is somebody who does what I do,

and we just end up liking the same subject matters or subject things, and we hang it out, dating. Yeah, one thing leads to another. That's how dating works for me. I'm an old-fashioned kind of guy. I love it, but it seems like you've cut it off completely. I find that so interesting. Well, I am in Hollywood.

So what does that mean? Well, it's complicated. But Hollywood's pretty a weird place. Especially for gay people. Yeah, but you got the best gays in the world probably out here, right? Look, get a fitted suit. You'll have a boyfriend by tomorrow. I think it's the clothing, maybe.

No. From one fairy to another. He might be back. I don't know. The crowd's not really giving it to him. I think it should be per episode, by the way. I don't think it should reset. All right.

Well, Michael, it was fun to have you on again. You know, maybe you keep coming back. I want this to be a long-term relationship, you coming on this show. There he goes, Michael Pina, everybody. Michael Pina. Yeah, let's do it. Every single episode on this show, we have a regular that writes and performs

a brand new 60 Seconds every week. I'm excited to see him. We missed him this weekend in San Francisco. We did a little road trip, and he stayed back and worked. Did not quit his job. He's still working hard, and I'm excited to see a new minute from him.

He's one of my favorite comedians. Make some noise for the one, the only, the regular. He writes and performs every week. It's the great Malcolm Hatchet, everybody. There he is. What's up? I went to a little person pool party and it was just a puddle of water.

Splash. My mom used to tell me you can be anything you want when you grow up. So I put on the power heels and told her to take the trash out. Man, she beat my ass, bro. I don't believe people die. I just believe people take forever naps. Daddy, wake up.

It's been 12 years. You are lazy. I was in Hollywood, and a homeless dude approached me like this. I was like, dude dude you need to audition you can play a dinosaur I did it back he was like oh shit he got it too people believe

people believe in deaths but they don't believe earphones die out oh snap People believe in deaths, but they don't believe earphones die out. Oh, snap. Serenitya just died. Oh, man, that sucks. But I just bought these earphones. Oh, whatever.

Fuck yeah, Malcolm Hatchett, everyone. Malcolm Hatchett. How's it going, Malcolm? Chilling. Hell yeah. Smell that flower. We missed you this weekend in San Francisco. Was it tight?

It looked cool. Yeah, it was unbelievable. You were dearly missed. There was people that actually brought cases of Skittles and candy for you. I know. I've seen the Snapchat. I was like, they're trying to kill the niggas. Yeah. It was chaos.

But you stayed back and you worked. You're still working, right? I've seen Mike Epps. And then you saw Mike Epps on Friday night. How was that? It was crazy. Mike Epps, Bruce Bruce. Earthquake was real cool to be in there.

It was tight. Hell yeah. You just went to the show? Yeah, I went to the show and then I hung out in the back room eating chicken wings and shit. It was cool as hell. Oh, hell yeah.

Hell yeah. That sounds like what would happen. No sound effects, right, man? Somebody is in trouble. Malcolm, where'd you get those socks? Those are great socks. Urban's Outfitters. Bro, this is a good man.

Dude, Jarritos, baby. That's the shit. Yeah, them shit is good, bro. Now I got to wear some Faygo socks. Did you dress like this all the time, right? Hell yeah. This is your style? Okay.

Did Mike Epps tease you or nothing or no? Nah, because... Sometimes he'll do that. He doesn't even care if they're black guys or nothing. He'll just be like, what the fuck? I was hoping he did, but he didn't. He was nice to you. I like that.

Did you ever see me make fun of Mike Epps at the Roast of Snoop Dogg? Yeah, I seen it. I seen it on YouTube. That was real cool. I lit that motherfucker up. That was me make fun of Mike Epps at the Roast of Snoop Dogg? Yeah, I've seen it. I've seen it on YouTube. That was real cool. I lit that motherfucker up. That was tight. He never saw it coming. He was hosting that thing.

He thought I was just some fucking chumpy little white boy just sitting up there. Oh, my God. You could tell if you ever go back and watch it again. I always like to do it every once in a while. It's such a magical night. Yeah. Tony Hinchcliffe, Roast of Snoop Dogg. And it was hosted by Mike Epps.

You could tell every joke. He starts literally looking at me like this. He can't believe that I just stay on him for so long. So many people just went up and started making fun of Snoop. Didn't even hit the dais. I do like eight jokes on Mike Epps right from the get. So fun. It's an amazing roast if you haven't seen it.

Watch it. Very fun times. Him and I, roast if you haven't seen it. Watch it. It's very fun times. Him and I, we're like bonded forever after that because I fucking, you know, I didn't show any fear. Because he's a great comedian. Not because he's black or whatever.

Jesus Christ. What a weird episode this is. We're staying on theme for the night. The Apollo 13 still loves me, right, guys? Hell yeah. Okay, looks like I got about four out of the 13 still on my side. Fuck yeah. So what else is going on, Malcolm? How's the job going?

Any crazy pizza deliveries this week? Nah, not really. It's real cool, chilling. Have you had any of the naked, you know, somebody answering the door naked or anything that happens all the time? Nah, not yet. Let me ask you this, though. Can you tell that people

are like, fuck shit, like every time? I've been doing a lot of Uber Eats lately, a little bit more than usual. Must be nice. I've just been flying through my blue apron so fast. I get through those three meals sometimes in two days. You know what I mean?

Because you have one for lunch, one for dinner, and then just one for lunch the next day, and you're like, shit, I've got the rest of the week. I'm thinking about doubling down on my Blue Apron and ordering twice, and you can do the same thing. Blueapron.com. Use the promo code KILTONI. And they deliver fresh ingredients just straight in with amazing recipes.

This is not the episode to over-advertise on. While you're at it, try Black Apron. Anyway. Do they deliver to bands as well? Does Blue Apron deliver to bands as well? I believe so. Interesting. What were you going to say, though, about Malcolm?

Yeah. Oh, I was going to say, can you tell that people just threw on fucking clothes as fast as they could? Because I do that shit a lot. I'll throw on fucking whatever jeans laying around, and then I'll come back inside with my bag of food and look down and there's my zipper

and my buttons unbuttoned. My miniature penis is hanging out. It's my tiny, tiny, tiny baby penis just swinging back and forth. I'm like, I went outside with my tiny dick out. All the moles on it.

My buddy used to have a friend whenever he would order pizza, he would order a pizza and whatever he was getting and all that stuff, and then he would also say he'd go, oh, also, I'm a black dude, so if you can hook me up, you know how we do that for each other. And he was a black guy, and sometimes it would work. They give him free shit.

They put in some juices or soda pops and stuff. I've never had the balls to try it. That nigga got to pay. Really? You wouldn't do that? Hell no. No, all right.

Some people do. They work. Joel Burke, Joel Hennance. I was just wondering, do you think people have ordered from the place knowing who you are from the show because they want you to show up and deliver the pizza? Nah, but customers have come in, but not no deliveries. Customers come in that know you from Kilton? Yeah, like recently since I started posting. Hell yeah, bro.

Did the manager that hired you want you to plug the pizza place? Like, is that a thing that he's against or is he for it? He just wanted a nigga to work. Yeah, cause he met me in the 7-Eleven and I was talking to a comic and he was like, you do comedy? I was like, yeah. And I went back to the car

and he was like, hey, I want to talk to you. And I gave him my Instagram, and he was surprised. He was like, oh, shit. And he was like, well, if you have a show or something, any type of show, tell him I got food. And my friend Evan's about to do a special, so I'm going to bring food there. What is the pizza place? Are you allowed to say? All Padrino's.

All Yes, all Padrino's pizza. And it is good. I ain't quitting that shit. It's delicious. You got to bring some for us. Yeah, do they want to sponsor Kill Tony next week? I mean, they probably could, yeah, it's called Padrino's Pizza. And it is good. I ain't quitting that shit. It's delicious. You got to bring some for us. Yeah, do they want to sponsor Kill Tony next week? I mean, they probably could, yeah. Yeah, that would probably take just extra large to be able to be an official sponsor.

These niggas freaky. Yeah, boy. Hell yeah. But yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I could definitely bring food. That's what Loot Crate does. They send us an extra large pizza, and we fucking blow them up. All right.

Well, Malcolm, always fun. I love your, one of the things that I really noticed tonight was how clean your comedy is and how like, you know, the incredible, you know, it's so hard to write a new minute every week. It is so, so hard.

And it's incredible to me that you can do it and have it be so likable. You could do that stuff at colleges and whatnot. He does this every week. Eric Griffin, you've seen him a few times. Yeah, he went to Vegas with me. Yeah, we was in Vegas. I took him to a steak dinner. He was like,

oh shit, this all for me? You know? It was great. I love Malcolm. I took a picture and shit. Yeah, he said at home, look at me. I made it, y'all. He got the picture printed up. Framed it.

You know who paid for it. All right. Another brand new minute from the regular Malcolm Hatchett. All right. All right. All right. What do you guys think? Back to the bucket, huh? All right.

Back to the bucket! Let's meet another human being. Some familiar faces out there in the crowd. We have that adorable little purple-haired jockey over there. He seems like he could be next. He lives in the woods with us. All right. Make some noise for Brendan Crick.

Boy or girl? I think it's a boy. Brendan Crick. Oh. Here he comes. Look how fast he runs. Hustle! Hustle! Brendan Crick, ladies and comes. Look how fast he runs. Hustle! Hustle!

Brendan Crick, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. I shot a gun for the first time recently. No one tells you that when you do that, you instantly turn Republican. I shot one bullet, and I was like, maybe health care is a privilege. Everything flipped.

The crazy thing about guns is it doesn't matter who you are. I'm fucking winded. I shouldn't have ran so fast. I fucked up. Crazy thing about guns is it doesn't matter who you are the rest of the time in your life. When you have one in your hands, you just forget who you are. Like my buddy brought out a pistol and I was like, I don't know if I want to turn. I don't really like guns. But then by the end of it, he brought out like an AR-15. I was like, ooh, that's the one from the news. I got starstruck. It was really exciting. I'm very small. I'm a small man. I'm small enough that I have to buy my clothing from a specialty small men's clothing company. Like, I'm wearing prescription clothes right now. That's it.

Wow. Fuck. Yeah, that was great. Brendan Crick. Hello. Hello. That was awesome. Thank you.

Great set. Thank you very much. First time on this show, right? Yeah, it is. I think I'd remember you. Mm-hmm. A little adorable. You look like a high school wrestler version of John Lennon or something like that. Steve Carell.

Yeah. Damn. Hell yeah. It's what you look like. It's bad. No, it's sort of adorable. I'm pretty sure Michael Pena would want to have a long-term relationship with you. He could be his little fleshlight.

I'll take it. Brendan, welcome to the show. Very funny. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Like five years, but I just moved to L.A. six months ago. I love that. Where'd you move from? Philadelphia.

Philadelphia. Hell yes. That is very cool. It's capital. It's capital. It's capital. I see him at open mics all the time. You're funny. That was great. Oh, thank you. That's number seven.

Oh, sincere word to my fellow comedians. That's number eight. Fuck! You better watch out, dude. We have the tattoo artist waiting in the helms, by the way. If anyone knows someone, call Danny Lucas. Yeah.

Is there a Kill Tony code for the tattoo artist? Oh, you'll know. Fucking confetti's going to fly from the fucking... When he hits 10, we're all going to know. Okay, so, Brandon, let's just jump right into it. You moved here six months ago. What were you doing for work in Philly? I was working at a bank.

You were working at a bank. That sounds about right. One of those tellers. Comes right up to the window. All right. That's right. What do you do for work now? I work at a different bank, but here.

My life is completely the same. It's worse, kind of. Are you at a teller? Are you, are you, no. I'm a teller, but then they're training me on, like, the banker stuff, too. But, like, do you have to, I mean, are you, like, people go, hey, and they're just like.

You know what I mean? I've, like, many times. What are you in charge of, the lower three rows of deposit boxes? I'm one of the fucking, the fucking Harry Potter goblins. I'm the little Gringotts elf. That's me. Nice nerd reference. I like that.

One person connected. You seem like the guy that would hand out the stuffed horses at a Wells Fargo. I used to work at Wells Fargo. I sold all kinds of... You remember when they got in trouble for crimes? I did that.

Oh, yeah. Like the fake credit card sales and everything. I did all that shit. Just to make commissions, right? Well, they made me, but I would have got fired if I didn't. Do you guys ever get annoyed when you're at the bank? Like, no, you seem like great.

I'd be your friend and stuff, but do you ever get annoyed when there's a cute teller or something and you're like, oh, I hope I get her, and then you get... Yeah, you get that guy. I see the disappointment in their eyes. I think you're a great guy, but I would be like,

I kind of wanted that cute lady. No, I understand. I have to talk to you and I'm like, hey, no, you're fine. I don't want the cute lady seeing my account. Don't act like that. He's got money. More reason why I don't want this bitch seeing my cat. Brendan, have you been dating at all since being out?

I've been trying. How do you try? What does that mean? Just like Tinder and stuff. I think Philly was my fuck town. I don't think here is where I fuck. Philly was your fuck town? Yeah.

I love it. You're just full of surprises. I seem to fuck there and here there's no. where I fuck. Philly was your fuck town. Yeah. I love it. You're just full of surprises. I seem to fuck there and here is not. You were smashing it, Philly. In L.A., girls will body shame you on those apps. It's true. They'll put right in the bio, like, no short dudes. No, they do, yeah.

That is body shaming for sure. I have to list my height because I went on too many dates where I showed up and I could just see in their eyes. Yeah, but wait, wait, wait. As you should, motherfucker. No, I don't. I lie a little bit. I mean, what? I'm 5'2". I say 5'4". Oh, motherfucker. No, I don't. I lie a little bit. I'm 5'2".

I say 5'4". No, really? You say that? What else does it say in your bio? You should have a bunch of Mr. X. I love basketball, slam dunking. 2020 vision. I also lie about two inches.

Sometimes I wear a hoodie in my profile so they don't know I have antlers. Oh, my God. So funny. No, my bio just says my height, and then I'm sober. Because I used to have a whole thing about doing comedy, and then I realized girls think that sucks here. you're not wait I have a question have you been on a tinder date where you knew this chick thought you were taller and then like how weird was it um

I went on one date where I say I'm 5'4 and the girl also said she was 5'4". So I was like, alright, we'll just see how this goes. And, uh... Was she like 6'5"? She was 5'4", so I made sure I was sitting down when she got there and everything. That buys me an extra hour to have a personality. And then...

Oh god, you got up and it was like... This is the nicest guy in the world. No, no, it's dark. Was she wearing heels? No, she wasn't wearing heels, but... When was your plan foiled? Exactly. When you guys got up,

like, what was your trick? Like, just hunching over like, oh, my back. You know, I'm wearing a... Oh, I can't... Oh, I think I... Oh, I can't even stand up straight. My fucking back, ow.

Was there other things on there? Like, oh, I told her I play for the Knicks. I hope that doesn't come up. Could have done that. I could have played that one. When did you know it wasn't going to go your way? Well, we hooked up, and then afterwards she wanted to take a shower. Oh, no.

In the shower, there's no shoes. At the same time as you? Yeah, so then we're staying there, and I can see. You're like, how about a bath? How about a bath instead? Let's just lay down and soak in a nice bath. That seemed nice. Jeremiah is doing something for you podcast listeners.

I can see how you would fool people because from here up, if you're sitting behind a desk, you'd be like, oh, he's built. This is great. Then when you stand up, you don't get any taller. I look like I'm, yeah. That's my whole deal. Yeah. So you're in the shower, and you were fucked. And I could just kind of see her kind of looking at me quizzically.

And eventually she's like, you're not 5'4". And I'm like, no. She actually said that? Yeah. I'm just like, no. And she's like, all right. Just the day? Yeah. She's like, no. All right. Two inches makes a difference. People lie and impress other people all the time. Push-up bras, fake

eyelashes, breast implants, spanks. This seems like a legitimate thing that you could say. Yeah, I wanted to impress you. I said I'm two inches taller. You still hooked up with me because I got a great personality. Fuck off if you're mad about two inches. I think that, yeah. I agree to impress you. I said I'm two inches taller. You still hooked up with me because I've got a great personality. Fuck off if you're mad about two inches. I think that, yeah. If she's, I agree.

I agree. I agree with Jeff Dye. If she's allowed to wear makeup on the date. Yeah, me too. Three short guys. If she's allowed to wear makeup on the date, then you should be allowed to wear your fucking shoes in the shower. I don't see this.

Yeah. You want her over? Yeah, that'd be good. I think I can do that. Who really looks at a person's height, though, and remembers that shit, and then calls you out on that? I've never even thought of that. Woodland Jeremiah.

I like the inspirational short pep talk from Jeff Dye, who is six foot four. I'm defending his honor. Wow, man, that is fucking hilarious. So you never talked to, wait, you had sex with her, and then you took a shower, and that's when she's like, you're a liar.

Yeah. Wow. That must have been the worst sex ever. That's why she brought it up. Did you come really, really, you look like the kind of guy that would come so fucking fast. No, I did not. I mean, you look like you would just... I mean, there's like

no... I feel like you unzip your pants. You're like, ha ha ha ha ha. I'm a big going soft guy. I go soft in the pussy. That's my thing. What? Whiskey. It's whiskey. Yeah, but I don't drink. What?

This is perhaps the most honest answer to a question I never even asked that we've ever had in the history of the show. Are you trying to not get laid? This is being filmed. I don't care anymore. People are loving it. The crowd is going crazy. I go soft in the pussy. You, my friend, already have your t-shirt motto. All right.

I go soft in the pussy. It's my whole deal. Wow. How often does that happen? That's not on the profile though, right? It didn't used to happen. Right when you thought we've already had enough gay guys on this show today.

We get Mr. Soft in the pussy Hard in the man ass. I think it's soft everywhere. 10 out of in the man ass. I don't think it's soft everywhere. 10 women hate that. What's the reasoning? You just don't like it? There's not enough dick in there? I don't know.

I got cheated on a year ago. Since then, I'm just a mess sexually. I just disappoint everyone. Psychologically. The girl that cheated on you, how tall was the guy that she fucked? And what skin color? What color were his antlers?

Wait, wait. Would you have been upset if he was shorter than you? Yeah, yeah. I think that would have bothered me more. But you know for a fact he was taller than you? Yeah. Did you look it up? Safe guess.

I don't need to go into all this. I'll talk about my soft dick. I don't need to go into all this. I'll talk about my soft dick. I don't want to talk about my feelings. I love you. I've already fallen in love with you, Brendan Crick. Congratulations. You know what? I would love for you to do the next Ice House at the Death Squad at the Ice House.

I would love that. Hey, look at that. Thank you so much. There he goes. Very, look at that. Thank you so much. There he goes. Very good. Very funny. Brendan Crick getting booked at the Ice House. There he goes.

Big hug from Jeff Dye. A don't kill yourself handshake from Tony Hinchcliffe. That was like the Big Brother, Little Brother program right there. Heck yeah. There he goes. Brendan Crick. What are we at? What do you guys think? One more quick one?

Who can follow that? Your last comedian of the night, I know. Peter Dinklage. Whoa, holy shit. He's like, what is the deal with Kanye's bananas? Okay. Make some noise for your final comedian of the night. Rob Love.

Boy or? Rob Love. Definitely a boy. A boy. There he is. What's up, Kill Sony? Just got some good news. Found out my nephew is one of the top ten tennis players in Tennessee.

Y'all ain't got to clap. That's my family. Y'all looking mad as hell. It's all right. I got some family members that ain't happy about it. My uncle old school, he pissed off. He looked up to Jim Brown and them old school cats. My nephew, he look up to Venus and Serena, so he be on the court a little different. He be on the court like, oh, oh, oh. My uncle old school, he be like hell no

get my nephew off that tennis court I be like come on uncle tennis ain't gonna make him you know we at least tell him take the skirt off then shit run around with a skirt on and he hollering why he got

bees in his hair why he so old up? Why he playing against girls? Fuck yes. Rob Love. That's good. You got me with that one. That was great, man.

Thank y'all very much. That was funny. I didn't see that coming. This is your first time on the show? First time on the show. My first time I was called, I was in the bathroom, so I've been looking forward to this opportunity again. Hell yeah.

Welcome black. Welcome black. Appreciate it. Right on. Your nephew that plays tennis, is his last name Love too? No, his name is not Love. That's an incredible tennis name because that's a term in tennis. Love, Love.

40 Love, Love. Kind of weird with the skirt. It's kind of weird. Love, love. 40 love, love. It's kind of weird with the skirt. His last name is Johnson. And that's true. Are you from Tennessee? Memphis, Tennessee. Hell yes. Also the home of a man who went to San Francisco with us by the name of William Montgomery.

Yeah, William Montgomery. A new Keltoni fan favorite. You know William? Yeah,, William Montgomery. A new Kill Tony fan favorite. You know William? Yeah, I know William. He's a cool dude. One of my favorite new human beings. I figured he was going to do that. I figured he was going to make a good impression.

He's out there. He really is. He blends perfectly with this show. Heck yeah. This guy. That guy. That wasn't negative. I don't know why y'allall Well, Jeremiah and him used to fuck

And they broke up Like I said, Kanye need a banana or something He was the badger I made love to The babbling brook I can believe that That was a great, great set How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Eight years

Eight years All of it in Memphis? Like, I mean, how long have you been in L.A.? Three, back and forth Two or three years Okay, what do you do for a living? Comedy You make a living off this? all of it in Memphis? Like, I mean, how long have you been in L.A.? Three, back and forth, two or three years. Okay. What do you do for a living? Comedy.

You make a living off this? I don't give a fuck about anything else but comedy. Fuck yeah. But I'm a girl. Hell yeah. What about your kids? You don't care about them at all? They at an age where it don't matter no more.

I took care of that. I started comedy late, so. Oh, cool. I was just kidding. I didn't know you had kids, but I guess I was right. Good guess. I'm a shooter. Whoa, wow.

You just did a triple pelvic thrust. Security. Security. That was for my African sister. Hell yeah. Damn. See, he can make that African sister. Hell yeah. Damn. See, he can make that clicking noise. I can. Mine was a callback.

I was a callback, though. I liked it. It made me laugh. Man. So, I guess you know. Umlaka is the is the wood word for yikes. So, Rob, I don't mean this in a disrespectful way.

I'm just trying to figure, like I mean, because I want listeners to this show around the world to know how hard it is to make money doing stand-up. Yeah. You know what I mean? So you've lived here for a few years. You've been doing it for eight years. Your minutes, that minute that we just heard

was funny as fuck. For sure. But I'm still going to ask you, like, it must, you know, how do you survive? Because it must be very hard to live solely off of stand-up comedy. Well, this is what I do. I book shows in areas that pay, and then I come out here

and run up all my money, and then I go back to, you know. Right. Yes. I mean, you're preaching to the choir on that one. I'm doing fucking McGoovie's Joke House at the end of November. But you know what? Hey, but I salute to progress choir on that one. I'm doing fucking McGoovy's Joke House at the end of November. But you know what? Hey, but I salute your progress, man. You definitely are an inspiration, man.

Timonium. Wow, thank you. Yes, Timonium. Nobody's heard of Timonium. It's a city where McGoovy's is. It's just outside of Baltimore. I like to say Baltimore so that the people that live in Baltimore go. If I depended on Timonium people to make that drive.

I will be performing at McGooby's Treehouse later this month. Without a shirt. Hell yeah. Rob, you have any horrible gig stories? You ever have a gig that you showed up at and it was just fucking like

fuck man, my expectations. Heckler. I did a show in Hesperia California when I first got out here and I inadvertently wore all blue and I was expecting like a black audience and it was all white so I was comfortable but I still asked was it any crips

cause I didn't know I didn't know if it was white crips or not so I just had to check wanted to make sure I didn't offend nobody. You wore all blue. Oh, okay. That's why I always wear purple. Yeah.

Purple. Prince. A prince gang could jump me. Yeah. Sorry, I'm trying to understand it. I'm a simple man. You wore the blue thinking like, oh, this will go over if I make a joke about gang stuff. Inadvertently. I inadvertently.

No, I just had on a blue shirt and a blue jeans, and I was like, fuck, I'm wearing all blue. Yeah, and then they're like, we don't get the reference. They didn't know. It was all white, so I was comfortable. But I still had to check just because I don't judge a book by its cover. I said, it might be a couple of white Crips out here. I was like, let me check. Hell yeah. So like what's, can I ask how old you are?

Yeah, 40. 40. That's cool. So you live solely off of standup comedy. It's a fucking grind out here. Yeah. So what's your living situation like? Got a roommate when I come out here and then back in the city, just living with my folks. Just trying to make it, man. I don't really care about materials, just care about

doing something I love. Right. So that's what it's about. I fucking love that. And you know, that's one of the founder and creator and owner of the comedy store, Mitzi Shore. That is one of her famous lines, one of her famous anecdotes. A true artist doesn't care about what he has.

He cares about what he or she does. And that is a fucking amazing way to be happy and live your life. It's an ultimate cheat code. But she stole that from John Lennon, though. He said it way before. Maybe. I don't know. Did he? I don money won't bring it all. But she stole that from John Lennon, though. He said it way before. Maybe, I don't know. Did he? I don't know.

Look it up. This is the corrector. This guy is the autocorrect. Like, it'll get you right. Thank you, sir. And John Lennon stole that from a fawn named Freddy in the year 202. All right.

Well, Rob Love, it was a damn pleasure to have you on for the first time here on Kill Tony. Rob Love Funny. You are on Twitter at Rob Love, all one word. Is that correct? Rob Love. Rob Love Funny, all one word. Follow him on Twitter.

Come on, people. Get him out to do a gig around where you live. Look at this fucking drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Fairies, Jeff Dye, Eric Griffin. It all looks like us. Ryan J. E. Belt. Fairies, Jeff Dye, Eric Griffin. It all looks like us. Ryan J. E. Belt's on a whole other level. Special shout out to the great Josh Martin for helping us out here tonight. So many

amazing people. Do you guys sell those? Yeah, ryanjebelt.com. Yeah, all the Kill Tony posters and all the prints from every single episode of the history of this show. Is the book still available? Yeah. And the book, man.

You got to check out that book. I love my Kill Tony book. It's incredible. All available at RyanJEBelt.com. Make some noise for Jeff Dye, everybody. He's on The Tonight Show in a couple months. Listen to his podcast, Jeff Dye's Friendship. And how about some noise for Eric Griffin?

his podcast Jeff Dye's Friendship and how about some noise for Eric Griffin he finally started a podcast Riffin' with Griffin and you know I have so many people that I talk to all the time that say you know Tony I've been a fan since Hinchcliffe's Notes

which is what this show was called for only episode one and I implore you, diehard comedy fans, to definitely go over to Eric's podcast and check it out and grow with him. You know, those people. Grow with me. Those people that listen to Hinchcliffe Notes, you know, they're the biggest Kill Tony fans because they were there when it was

fucking a nothing burger, right? That's where I'm at right now. And Eric is such a monster that I know for a fact this thing is going to end up being epic. So go follow him over there. We love you, Eric. Thank you so much for always being a great guest. Jeff Dye, Eric Griffin.

How about you make some noise for the best damn band in the land, the Kill Tony band, Jeremiah Watkins. New episode of Jeremiah Wonders out with this week's guest, Kate Quigley. It's one of my favorite podcasts out there, Jeremiah Wonders. He does characters, a great interviewer. Just like with Hinchcliffe's Notes, I feel like every episode gets better and better. Go ahead.

Detroit and Toronto. I will be returning at the beginning of December to headline and run an hour in front of you. Detroit and Toronto. Hell yeah. I'm at Rumors this weekend, by the way, in Canada. Now that you remind me. Oh. Where's Rumors in Canada?

In Winnipeg. Oh, Winnipeg. Hell yeah. I'm going to Winnipeg this weekend, everybody. Carl McChrystal, silent but deadly over there. What did you think about tonight's episode, Chroma? It was very interesting, Tony. But hey, can I give a shout out real quick?

Yeah. Okay, so when I went to San Francisco with you guys, Ben Lambden from Lambden Guitars made this custom guitar for me and gave it to me. So everyone check out Lambden Guitars. He knows you from what? Kill Tony? From Kill Tony.

Correct. Wow. Reach out to me. Wow. That is so fucking cool. And they sell for like thousands of dollars. Yes, correct. Wow.

What's the website that people should go to to check out their guitars? I believe it's Lambdom Guitars, but just follow me on Instagram. Heck yeah, follow Chroma Chris. Chroma underscore Chris, is that right? At Chroma Chris. Chroma Chris, all one word. C-H-R-O-M-A-C-H-R-I-S.

I bet you make some noise for the almost tattooed Joel Berg. A lot of highs and lows today. He's been preparing for this fairy character for months by slowly turning the color green in front of all of us. Joel Berg, anything you want to plug? Yeah, yeah. Shout out to Gino at Speedweed. Yes, yes. Getting me to sleep every week. Thank you, San Francisco.

That was one of the coolest things I've ever been a part of. And thank you to Tony for fucking making the drive, man. That was nuts. Indeed. I will say again, thank you, San Francisco, because that was one of the coolest things that I've ever been part of as well. And I've done a ton more cool shit in comedy than Joel Berg has. So, I mean, the compliment's that much bigger coming from me.

But seriously, it was one of the most gratifying nights ever. I mean, San Fran was fucking amazing. I get the feeling that coming off of this success, we're going to be doing super events like that more often. And that's a big one November 9th in Swansea, Massachusetts. If you live in New York, fucking Baltimore, Boston, Providence, anywhere near that, it will be worth your trip to come see that double banger Kill Tony and stand-up show. And then Texas,

don't sleep. Both of those San Francisco shows sold the fuck out. So 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, San Antonio, Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth, get them while they're available. It's Kill Tony. Thank you guys

so much for coming out. One more time for the great Brian Redband. Thanks, guys. And thank you guys for coming out. Take care of each other. Love each other. Good night. Goodbye, YouTube. I can't wait for this. See you later. Thank you.