KILL TONY - KILL TONY #305

Episode Date: November 8, 2018

Whitney Cummings, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 11/05/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes, including video portions to all the shows. And you can click on tour dates. Thank you. and then we're going on this huge Texas tour. San Antonio, Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth. Go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates for all the info.

Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Go there for everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every single episode. You can go to RyanJEbelt.com to pick up a poster or a book or some prints. That's RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, go to Shopyanjebelt.com to pick up a poster or a book or some prints. That's ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, go to shopsquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, and you have a bunch of Death Squad merch that's just released,

like a new Death Squad hat and shirt. And we got new stickers and mugs. Go to shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony. Hey, this is red band coming to you live from the road, famous comedy store main room for a brand new episode of kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe.

Hey everybody. Fuck yeah. Here we are. Just like everything's been good and was going to be good the whole time, we did it again. Brian Redband's here, ladies and gentlemen. The one and the only. Hey, what's up, guys? My BBW or something.

What is that? I'm a big, beautiful woman to you. What the fuck? What's like BFF? That's what it was. Oh, you just got busted. BBW? Ryan J.

What did I get busted doing? Ryan J. E-Belt is here. The house artist always drawing every episode from his perch. He has a blank piece of paper right now. And all those prints are available at ryanjebelt.com. He's even doing a little Christmas sale, right, Ryan? 5% or something off.

Five bucks off right now. Go to ryanjebelt.com and save yourself a little Abraham Lincoln. Kill Tony's Traveling. This Friday, it is Kill Tony East. Friday, November 9th, live from Swansea, Massachusetts. That's right between Providence and Boston. So get tickets for that. If you live anywhere near the East Coast, jump on a train and go do it.

And then the week after that, from Tuesday through Saturday, it's Kill Texas. Kill Tony in Texas. San Antonio, Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth. There's a bunch of stand-up shows connected to all of those as well. So if you get the double ticket, you get to see us all do stand-up and you get to see a live Kill Tony, which are always fun. Then I do Baltimore all by myself doing stand-up comedy at McGoovie's Comedy Club at the end of November. Dallas, New Year's Eve, it's me and you.

I bring in the New Year to Dallas, Texas. Two stand-up comedy shows, just me and you, Dallas. That's fun. Here we are, streaming live globally on YouTube because nowadays you can get practically everything you want on demand. Like our podcast, listen whenever you want, when it's convenient for you. Did you know you can

even get postage on demand? All you need is stamps.com. With stamps.com, you can access all the services of the post office right from your desk. You can buy and print real U.S. postage for any letter or any package. Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Just click, print, mail, and you're done. Stamps.com will even send you a digital scale so you can weigh your letters and packages and print the exact amount of postage every time. I sell shirts. I have shopsquad.tv.

We did the Kill Tony shirt. You know, you can get that. But I ship out all the stuff. I do it all myself. And I couldn't do it without stamps.com. Today I did it and I just packaged everything. I printed it all myself. And I couldn't do it without stamps.com. Today I did it and I just packaged everything. I printed it out on this little printer. It weighs it and I just drop it like on my front porch and the mailman picks it up. I don't have to go to the mail office or post office. I could just do it all from stamps.com. If you don't have a business, why not start one

and do stamps.com for all of your postage needs. Right now, use Kill Tony for this special offer. You get a four-week trial. That includes postage and a digital scale. They literally send you four weeks of postage and a digital scale. So don't wait. Go to stamps.com. Before you do anything else, click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Kill Tony. That's stamps.com.

Make sure you enter the promo code KILLTONY, all one word, for a four-week trial. Fuck yeah is right. And this is the start of the episode. You guys excited for tonight or what? This has been five years and four months,

five months in the making. She is one of the great comedians in the world. I have worked with her here since my very first days here. And she's amazing. You know her, you love her from all of her amazing specials, from everything. From the hit show Whitney and from so many great things. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only Whitney Cummings.

Yeah. Whitney's here. Finally got her. The great and powerful Whitney Cummings is here. Hi. With celery, carrots, falafel, and pita. Has anyone tried the falafel? Comedy store falafel.

Not bad. It's not that bad, actually. It's not that bad, actually. It's not. I actually have tried the falafel, and I was quite surprised at how good it is. I'm not mad at it. Which one do you want me to use? You can use both of them if you want. Yeah?

Is this triggering to anyone? Sorry. I'm super pumped that you're here. I'm excited. This is my first time ever on this show. Yes, it is. I'm actually, I'm not pumped that you're here. I'm excited. This is my first time ever on this show. Yes, it is. I'm actually, I'm not going to lie. I'm intimidated.

I'm scared. I'm scared. You shouldn't be. We're going to have a blast. All my favorite comedians say that this is their favorite podcast to do. I think you're going to feel the same way afterwards. But normally when you do a podcast, there's no one in the audience. So if you're doing a bad job, you don't know.

You just find out later in the comment section. Yes, exactly. Every podcast I do that doesn't have an audience on, I fail miserably at. I don't know if you know this. I'm like one of the worst studio podcast guests. That's not true. No, it's absolutely true. What does that mean?

Oh, I am troll fuel, my friend. Oh, they just thought the sound of my voice. I must suck all the dicks. Oh, I'm so gay. Did he say he has a wife? He must be gay, gay, gay, gay, gay. It's everything. These fucking haters hate the fact that I'm one of the top young rising comedians in the world.

It boggles their minds. And, you know, all the people that they could hate on, they really pinpoint me because, you know, I'm like a few years, you know, younger maybe than some of those Rogan people, you know, like some of my peers. I'm worried that you're fucking up the whole bell curve because if someone goes to listen to you on Rogan, they hear you on this show and they hear people laughing

and then they go on Rogan's show and they're like, he's bombing. Right, exactly. Like, no, there's no audience on that. Maybe they just don't know. Massive crowd that usually is bullshit, but I'm excited that you're here. I'm pumped. Let's just jump right into it. We have a crazy band on this show. Every single week they commit to different characters. I never know what they're going to be and what they're going to do. We are down. Jeremiah Watkins tonight will not be here yet again,

and we miss him deeply. Who knows? Who knows in the world when he may return? But he's not here tonight. So with that said, I introduce to you the one and only, the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band with your leader, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez,

and Chroma Chris. I never know what they're going to be or what they're going to do. Maybe it's Indians, Ninjas. Whoa! Legendary. Wow, Jolina is here. Jolina and the Mexican. Wow. Jolina and the Mexican Wow Jolina is one of our favorite characters

In Joel's history You know her as a A bad bitch Full say it already I heard another bad bitch was gonna be here I thought I better pay my respect Also Tony we got a special We got another fucking special homie I heard another bad bitch was going to be here. I thought I better pay my respect. Oh, yeah. That's what's up, eh? Also, Tony, we got a special, we got another fucking special homie, Rafael Gutierrez, coming from Englewood.

Rafael, come out, eh? Oh, Rafael Gutierrez. Come out. Oh! We know this guy. Rafael Gutierrez. This is very exciting. Tony, how's it going?

Rafael Gutierrez. I'm actually a mall cop, and I killed someone at the ladies' footlocker a couple weeks ago. All right. Well, here we go. I'm pretty sure this is going to be a lot of fun. We have some real gangsters here tonight.

The great Jolina. We have what appears to be the Irish, most Irish-looking cholo I've ever seen in my life. He's from El Salvador, fool. Hey, Tony, this is the first time I left my house since the Dodgers lost the World Series. Wow. Hey, Tony, this is the first time I left my house since the Dodgers lost the World Series, eh? Strike three. You're out. Wow. And Chroma Chris, silent but deadly over there.

And I have a bucket filled with comedians' names itching at the opportunity to get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stage time on this show. You guys know how it works. We can meet anybody of any different shape or size. We had a guy on to close last week's episode, Whitney, that had one leg that almost lost his life six months ago, lost his leg in a motorcycle accident and has always listened to the show and he's like, fuck it, I'm going to try stand-up comedy and I'm going to do it wearing shorts,

show off my amputated leg, talk about that shit, and it was epic. That's the kind of crazy stuff that happens here. That's awesome. That's inspiring. Exactly crazy stuff that happens here. That's awesome. That's inspiring. Exactly. What do you think the best way to be a guest on this show is? Should I laugh?

Because when I'm uncomfortable, I laugh. That's great. But do you think it will make them nervous? No, you just laugh. But don't laugh into the microphone while they're doing the 60 seconds. That's what I mean. But if they are really being funny, we want them to hear us. No, you can laugh, but you just have to put your microphone down. Because I don't want them to get laughs off of your laugh.

Oh, yeah, that's a good point. I want them to bomb if only you're laughing. If only you're laughing, I want them to fail miserably. You know what I mean? Okay, because sometimes when someone's not doing well, I get nervous for them. Because I know what that's like. It's horrible. And I want to overcompensate. You're going to fucking love this show. I can just tell.

You are going to love this show so much. This is going to be your favorite show that you've ever... If there's someone that I feel sorry for and you guys aren't laughing, I'm going to be like... So you guys know how it works. If I pull your name out, you get 60 seconds. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. This looks like a fucking packed main room on a Monday night to me. You guys ready to start this shit? It's Kill Tony live from the Comedy Store. And here we go. Is the Apollo 13 over there tonight? Oh, shit. There they are. That's the Apollo 13

sound effect. I'm still looking for it. Oh, man. We could do better than that. Alarm clock? What are you saying? That they can't wake up? No, I thought it was going to be a fun alarm. No, I'm there. Oh, my God. Wow. I love that you wait until we're back on the air again to try to find a sound effect.

Just ignore the other six days and 23 hours. All right. I pulled a name out of the bucket. This looks like a first-time name, I'm guessing. I think I would remember this one. Make some noise for Dale Dymkoski. Dale Dymkoski. Dale Dymkoski. I see him getting up.

We got movement. This is going to be a little bit of a wait. He's deep in the booth. The band is bumping. He's coming. Here comes Dale, everybody. Keep playing. Here he comes.

He made it. One more time for Dale Dankoski. How's it going? So I'm disabled. I'm serious. I was born with severe hearing loss and I wear hearing aids. You don't believe me.

And I understand technology's amazing. But these right here? Give me my disability card. You know what it doesn't get me? The handicap spot. Which I don't think is fair. There's a guy in my gym that parks in a handicap spot. This guy's perfectly able-bodied.

Works out with a trainer. Guy's doing heavy squats. He's jumping on boxes. He's throwing kettlebells over his head. He's crushing it. So I asked this trainer after. I said, what is this guy's disability? You know what he said?

The guy's HIV positive. I'm like, I have AIDS. Boom. Exactly 60 seconds still with Dime Koski. I had a feeling it was going to be

an AIDS joke the whole goddamn time. I'm going to be honest with you. I smelt it. I knew you were going to dealt it. And there it was. Yes, Jolina. Somebody call the police, man. I smelt it. I knew you were going to dealt it. And there it was. Somebody call the police, man. Sting has AIDS.

Sting has AIDS, fool. Alright, my bad. Moving on. Sting was in the band The Police. Did you get it, Dale? Did you hear him? I think it was really deaf. Dale is responding with the same look that I see on Prison Lockup to your joke, Joel. I know that look well, eh?

Dale, how's it going? How long have you been doing stand-up? Good. A couple years. I started like five years ago. Did it for like a year and a half, and I took like three years off. What is that accent? Is that a hearing disability accent that I'm getting?

Or are you a little bit Canadian? I don't know. Everybody thinks I have an accent, but I'm from Connecticut Or are you a little bit Canadian? I don't know. Everybody thinks I have an accent, but I'm from Connecticut. Oh, Connecticut. Yes, the Canada of America, indeed. Connecticut, it's hard to socialize with people there because it's a freeway. Right?

So you, like, grew up on your own, didn't have many friends, right? I had friends. Where in Connecticut did you grow up? Connecticut's pretty fancy. Is it? It's a very rich area. Are you rich? I'm not rich.

Oh, you're wearing a giant ruby diamond ring. Oh, you noticed my ring, right? What is that? Have you guys seen this Game of Thrones-ass medallion? It's my lucky ring. Where'd you get your lucky ring from? In India. In India. What were you doing there? I was just traveling with a group

That's the richest shit I've ever heard Only people born in Connecticut Want to go to a third world country Just to like see poverty Like oh this is what it looks like It was like with an acting group Like a Yes An acting group. Like a...

Yeah. An acting group? Yeah, it was like an acting class that I was in. And she was also like a life coach, too. Okay. Yeah, it's like... So Hollywood. You went to India with a woman who told you she was an acting coach and a guru?

Well, she was a... Are you a Scientologist? No. That's exactly what's going on. I was in and out for like a minute. It was just... Yeah. Yeah.

That looks like a Scientology ring. I stuck around just to go to India, actually, just because I wanted to. Oh, cool. Well, that's fun. What do you do for work? I work as a personal trainer. Personal trainer?

I looked at your butt. Oh. I know. Time's up. I was looking at your butt and it's unbelievable and I was like he must be in training somehow. Thank you. You're welcome. You do a lot of squats.

Can I see that ass? It's unbelievable. It's very bulbous. Either you've got a great ass or you have a lot of coins in your back pockets right now. I have a question about hearing aids. Are they now super advanced? Are they Bluetooth?

Yeah, they're amazing. Mine aren't Bluetooth, but the next generation are. Next generation. Hey, are we just going to glaze over that that was a hack joke? I mean, the first thing I said was that I smelled the punchline

from the beginning. I thought I covered it. You didn't really say it the way I did. All right, back to you, Tony. Jesus, Jolina, you just broke right out of prison. I'm a bad bitch, eh? You're so direct and evil.

Dale, you ever been with any bad bitches before? Like Jolena, you ever been with a tough woman? You straight? Yes. Yep. You single right now? No, I have a girlfriend. So you ever been with any tough girls?

I've been with lots of people. Oh. Hell yeah. You might really have hearing aids after all, huh? See? He's dirty. You're a dirty boy, Dale. Dale Dynkoski, you have a NASCAR driver's name.

Has anyone told you that before? Not heard that one, Dale. Dale Dymkoski, you have a NASCAR driver's name. Has anyone told you that before? Not heard that one, no. Like a Russian NASCAR driver. Yeah, Dale Dymkoski. I like the way you say my name. It's really like they say Dymkoski, but you say Dymkoski, which I think is probably technically correct. Yep, yep.

I read it how it's supposed to be read. I'm in the Writers Guild, and I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. I read it how it's supposed to be read. I'm in the writer's guild and I'm one of the top young rising comedians in the world. I've heard that. So Dale, what do you like to do for fun? I play baseball on Sundays. Wow. Really? You're in a baseball league? Like this group? Yeah. Wow. You have a baseball group. Like it's like wood wood bats and umpires and stats and everything. Wow, I didn't even know that they did that. I thought there was only softball leagues. I didn't realize that people that couldn't make it to the majors

could still pretend and live their dreams on a Sunday. Yeah, so you go play baseball every Sunday? Yeah, I mean, the season's over right now, but like spring, summer. Why? Why? Because like, you know, just to... What position are you?

Outfield. Why? Missionary. Because we're like just a bunch of guys that like still like to play baseball and it's fun. Dee, is your... So, it's the whitest shit I've ever heard. I bet your ass looks good in baseball pants, don't me?

Jolene is serious, Dale. You ever been with a Latina woman before? I have, yes. Whoa, you have. I feel like Dale gets a lot of pussy. Yeah, I think so. I'm starting to catch on. Only a guy, like if you're wearing a ruby ring,

you get a lot of pussy. Hell yeah, dude. That's not a ring, that's an award. Hell yeah, dude. That's not a ring. That's an award. Yeah, for sure. That's something. That's like a fight club. He won some kind of fuck club underground.

He has ruby rings just in between his sheets just everywhere. Just girls leave them there. That's a Nuva ring. I think personal trainers do sleep with a lot of people, though, right? I bet they do. I never really slept with clients or anything like that. That was never... So they quit.

I'm very professional. Very professional. What does that mean? What happens if, let's say, you have a young lady that hired you, right? And you know she's married, but you feel like she's sort of flirting with you. What do you do? I've trained many beautiful women. I just... No, I'm kidding.

No, I'm very professional. Here's what I'm asking you, Dale, because I want to get some dirt on you. You know what I'm saying? This is my little house of cards. All right. So what's like the most unprofessional thing you've done while training? Has there ever been a time where like you were spotting a chick and you're just like, whoops. Hold on. What does that mean?

I mean, I guess I should have painted the picture a little bit better. I pictured him like helping her bench press and press and you drop your nuts on her forehead. Like, oopsie daisy. I think this is at a public gym where they're wearing pants, isn't it? What gym do you go to? LA Fitness on Tujunga.

I feel like Dale doesn't wear pants when he's training. It's either spandex or nothing at all. Am I right? Very professional as he's training. It's either spandex or nothing at all. Am I right? Very professional as I'm training. Very professional. I love you. You better be careful. You're gonna lose that ring inside of me, homie.

Alright. Well, Dale... Be careful. That's my wife. Oh. There we go. And Dale, I just have one question. I'm from San Salvador Salvador so I'm a big fan of the movie with Richie Valens

La Bumba what's your favorite scene in La Bumba my favorite what scene in La Bumba La Bumba what's your favorite scene in La Bumba. La Bumba. What's your favorite scene in La Bumba? I mean, he dies at the end, so just say the plane crash scene. I don't know the movie you're talking about.

You've never seen? I just told you the answer. You've never seen La Bumba? Wow, he's not a good listener, eh? All right, we got to get him out of here. There he goes. Dale Dymkoski. It's good. He did it. He's on Twitter at DaleD underscore 33. I love the fact that he talked about his disability. There he goes. One more time for Dale

Dymkoski. And like that, we're off and running. Easy breezy. I mean, look. I know, like, do you deconstruct? Do you really want to deconstruct the joke or no? No. No, okay. I mean, do you? But if anyone, are there a lot of aspiring comics in the audience? Good.

Good. See, I feel like regardless of what you thought of the joke, I just feel like you need to pace it up. Yeah. I think in the beginning when you're a comic, everything's like in slow motion. He just needs to do like one bump of cocaine and that would have done better.

For sure. Hey, see me after this, shall we? He knew that he had the pop coming at 60 seconds with the AIDS joke. I knew that he had the pop coming at 60 seconds

with the AIDS joke. But I feel like he could have done it in 30 seconds. Yeah, exactly. That or pepper more into the, you know what I mean, the handicapped spot wasn't really, didn't really have the payoff, right? Like that was like, I got disability, but I don't get the spot.

Fucked it. You know what I mean? Like something about how he would complain, but nobody's listening, or I don't know, something like that. You know what I mean? Like I don't know. If you gave me five minutes, I'd write a ten-star joke, but I don't have that kind of time.

We are live. Wow, this is interesting. This seems like perhaps a fake name. And due to new rules and regulations, if this is a person that's come up before, so that we have to limit so that people don't sign up more than once. So just to let you know, if you signed up under a fake name and you're going to come up here right now, you fucked up. So let's see who walks up here. This better be their actual professional

name. Make some noise for Stage Whore, everybody. Stage Whore. They signed up as Stage Whore. Alright. Here we go. I'll allow it. She's been on the show. Hey, you guys good? Me too.

I finally kicked my yeast infection. And I'm really excited because now I can start feeding the hungry again. So are you hungry? Come on, there's no more mold on this cupcake. Just see me after the show for samples. You look like you might call the police on me. In other news, I'm single. Just broke up with my boyfriend because I was confused.

You know, I was confused because he liked having his titties sucked more than I did. Like, I was sucking his titties so much, I thought he was gonna start lactating. And I don't know how male lactation works, but a nursing negro cannot be the man of my dreams, is all that I'm saying. So he is black history. Thank you very

much. Boom! 53 seconds from stage whore. Yeah! Tony, wow. Tony, from deaf to deaf comedy jam. That's right. Hey, wow. There is a through line so far. You didn't

sign up twice tonight, did you? No, I just got bored with my name. Wow. Yeah, Kanisha's everyone's name. How long have you been bored of your name?

About a year. 2018. Okay. My favorite part of that set was looking over at the Apollo 13 for a moment

and I caught two of them at the same time literally just shaking their head no like this In disappointment of your performance No, they said, they go, she's not with us That's okay There was something about that set that was sort of Tiffany baddish It happens Came out guns a blazing With a yeast infection joke

And to be honest with you I sort of believe you I get a lot of those Do you really? I do, it's hard being a woman When you're dry down there What do you mean dry down there? Wear bigger pants

They're not as sexy Let it breathe When you say dry down there, what exactly do you mean? You just, you know, sometimes you might like eat the wrong thing and there's not like a lot of lubrication. Okay, that's not a thing. Yeah, Whitney. Whitney, I'm going to have you step in here.

For me it is. No, it's there. I just, sorry, time out. There's just like the idea that we're always supposed to just be like gushing. Like it's supposed to be dry when it's not wet. Nothing's wrong with you. You're fine. Okay.

Yeah. I think life would be pretty tricky if we were constantly just swamping. Not gushing, but you do need some sort of. My pussy dried up. I'm like, no, it's supposed to be dry at the office during the day. Yeah. Exactly. I mean, not gushing, but a little bit of, you know, you don't want like friction.

That's a fistula. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. Just a little bit. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Just a little moist.

Not completely dry. The only person who's always supposed to be a little swampy between their legs is Brian Redbeck over here. Because I think what happens when comics do jokes like that is guys get even more confused about how vaginas work. Like so many guys were like, oh shit.

Like that's what happens. So whatever female comics talk about pussies, I'm like, we got to all get together and talk about this because we're just confusing men even more.

Do you pee after you have sex? I heard that's a thing that helps women not get yeast infections. I do sometimes. I haven't had sex in a while. Oh, sometimes you don't. That's a thing that helps women not get yeast infections. I do sometimes. I haven't had sex in a while. Oh, sometimes you don't. That's a UTI, too.

That's more UTI. Yeast infection, UTI. Yeah. Neighbors in the same... Yeah, go hand in hand. Don't get fingered by a guy after eating Subway. That's another thing.

Oh, Brian. Oh, God. Red band. All right. By the way, and not even for that reason. Just because if a guy's eating Subway it's just a red flag in general. He's probably got some yeast fingers.

Oh, Jesus. Red band. That is not what a yeast infection is. It doesn't come from having bready hands. No, not exactly. Are you sure it's a yeast infection you have and you're just not like a creamy girl? Oh my god, okay. Look what I done started.

Oh my god, Red Band. Wrong show, Red Band. So remind me, what is your actual name again? Kenesha Bell. Kenesha Bell. By the way, first of all, it did crack me up when you just said everyone's named Kenesha. Yeah, you don't... But you said you were like, I'm sick of my name. Like, everyone's named Kenesha.

It's common. I met six in prison. Hey, your abs look like they were drawn on, but Ryan J. Ebel's over there. I don't know what's happening. Okie dokie. Back to you in the studio, Tonya. Thank you, Jolina.

So, Kenesha Bell, how long have you been doing stand-up? I started again like two years ago. You started again. What does that mean? You took a little break? Yeah. I made a poor decision and I went to get a master's degree. Oh.

What? That's your fucking opener. What is your master's degree in? It's occupational therapy. Cool. As a black person, does it hurt you to say master's degree in? It's occupational therapy. Cool. As a black person, does it hurt you to say master's degree? Oh, come on, Jolina. It's an honest question.

I'm a POC. I'm a person of color. She's fresh out of prison. She does not hold back, Jolina. I'm a person of color. I can ask that shit, eh? You got a fucking problem? Come see me, homie.

No, I went to a historically black college. All right, then it's okay. Yeah, everybody was black, so I didn't have a problem. Oh, really? What college was it? It was, well, it's predominantly black. It's called Chicago State. It's the school that Kanye West's mother taught at in Chicago.

No, I believe you. It sounds black to me. It checks out. Now, occupational, what was it again? It's like physical therapy. Yeah, I believe you. It sounds black to me. It checks out. Now, occupational, what was it again? It's like physical therapy. Okay. Have you ever used that degree for anything? Yeah, I use it all the time.

Really? Yeah. Do you ever try physical therapy your way out of having a yeast infection? No, I haven't done that, but I do meet a lot of interesting people, so it's cool. Alright, well what made you

get back into doing stand-up? You had the itch that you just couldn't scratch? I can't help myself. It's a yeast infection themed moment. You know what? I just wasn't cut out to have a 9 to 5. So, you know,

I decided to go broke or go home. So I'm here. Hell yeah, you're definitely going to go broke. Alright, Kenesha. Well, it was nice to meet you. Thanks for coming on this show. And there she goes. Kenesha Bell. Stage whore, I guess.

I want to give people notes. Yeah. Stage four, I guess. I want to give people notes. Yeah. I mean, you can. You can do anything. I could never do stand-up in a belly top. That was brave. That really is. That was impressive. I'm just curious, because I'm obsessed with the way

women have to dress. Is that distracting to anybody else? In a good way? There you go. Very honest audience. Would you be able to do it? Oh, shit. That's Cassandra. What? She's a badass.

No. All right, Cassandra. I love you. You're not mic'd up. Let's keep this thing moving along. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Julian Aguilar, everyone. Julian, is that that little kid that always gets up?

Oh, my God. This guy has freaky luck. Are you sure he's not, like, writing a thousand names? Julian Aguilar, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, fuckers? How y'all doing, man? What's up, what's up? They never teach you what to do after you run over someone's pet?

Like, are you supposed to be an asshole and just like leave it there or do you go up to the owner and be like hey i ran over your dog or cat you know because the other day i ran over this big fat cat with my bike and uh i fell and i ate shit and the cat fucked up my bike the cat too was fucked up blood coming out and everything anyways I was like what do I do do I leave it there like an asshole or do I go up to the owner so I did

I went up to the owner I had to claim some money you know and I was like I could sue you for being an nevermind what do you mean nevermind was there an end to it And I was like, hey, I can sue you for being an inter... Never mind. What do you mean, never mind? Was there an end to it?

Yeah. The fuck you mean, never mind? It's a little bit longer, and I don't want to. What? What'd you just say? It's a little bit longer. Come on, what's the fucking end of the joke? Hit the end of the joke.

All right. I said... He's an irresponsible pet owner. And I forgot now. Oh, you fucking. You fucking. Wait a second. Are you the pussy that you hit with the bicycle?

I can't believe you don't have the balls to finish your. All right. Well, Julian, first of all, let's acknowledge the fact that you are truly one of the luckiest humans to ever sign up for Kill Tony. I believe you've gotten pulled out of this bucket four out of the last seven or eight weeks or something crazy like that. Yep. Proving. I mean,

you are enough proof for everybody to see that there is nothing rigged about this bucket or this show. Because if it was, you would not be the chosen one, Julian Aguilar. No way. It's pretty unbelievable. Last time he was on a week or two ago, he made this.

I think it was last week. I remember, and I never remember what anybody talks about on this show, but I remember that Kanye West banana joke that you made. In fact, I will never forget it for my entire life. Everybody thinks I'm racist now. Everybody thinks you're racist now. By the way, I haven't even heard the joke and I know it's racist. Yes, exactly.

I mean, how did it make you feel when Tony brought it up on Joe Rogan's podcast, the biggest podcast in the world? Did I bring that up? Yeah, you talked to him. I really did, didn't I? Yeah, you brought up this full bombing. Yeah, it was nice. Did you know that?

Yeah. I was on Rogan on Wednesday and I talked to him. I'm glad you're alive, actually. A comic just told me that, that you were talking about me. Hell yeah, I sure did. I didn't mention you by name though. I wouldn't want to help your career at all or anything like that. So Julian, you are still adorable.

Again, for the podcast listeners, he definitely looks fucking like he's not allowed to be in this club. Yeah, how old are you? 22. Jesus. Yeah, I believe that you ride the bicycle. By the way, I think that's all a good path for you, talking about riding a bicycle, adorable shit like that. You are a punchline away from comedy, dude.

Like, it's fucking incredible. Like, the truth part you had, you're covering it, you got me. What do you say to the pet owner? Like, you had me interested, and then you just had fucking nothing. But you know what he has? What you do have, what you lack in jokes,

or craft, or preparation, or any kind of organization, or memory, is charm. You do have, you are or any kind of organization or memory is... Charm, you are confident. I don't think you have any reason to be confident,

but you have it. I think that's half of it, dude. That's half of it. That's half of it. It's just like, he comes up, I'm like, dude, I'm fucking in. You don't have it, you know what I mean? Now we gotta just write some jokes. 100%. And then I'm'm like, dude, I'm fucking in. You don't have it. You know what I mean? Now we got to just write some jokes.

100%. And then I'm telling you, dude, based off of the luck that you have out of this bucket alone where sometimes there's a fucking hundred people signing up for when we get through maybe seven, eight, nine, ten people or whatever. The luck that you have is telling you that you need to work harder than other people because you are that lucky. And either that luck is going to fucking continue or it's going to end. But normally a lucky fuck is a lucky fuck for life. But you know what? In our fucking field, we hear this a lot. You're likable.

That's half of it, dude. You're like walking. You're like bouncing. Like I don't know what brain damage. I don't know what's happening. Exactly. For anyone to be that happy these days is fucking a weird mental illness

congrats but like your psych you know what I mean it's good it's half the battle cause most I mean I spend most of my time trying to get your fucking inner monologue like yeah I deserve to be here like you know I'm more nervous about this than you are it shouldn't be like that

I should have your fucking attitude, and you should have mine. And my point is, is with your likability and your natural charm on stage and your ridiculous amount of luck that we've seen in the last few weeks, you should fucking really be writing during the day. There's no reason for you to be fucking distracted by anything else. You should be writing and writing and writing and writing and writing. And buying new sweatshirts. Yeah.

Hey, Julian. I got on your AOL profile a couple weeks ago. I thought I deleted that shit. No, you didn't. Julian, don't interrupt him. But basically, yeah, I mean, basically it came down to your two favorite

movies, La Bumba and Jumanji. I love Jumanji. Just us being here now, is La Bumba your favorite movie? No, Jumanji, Jumanji. What is your, do you have a favorite part of La Bumba? The plane, when the plane crashes. Hey! Whitney Cummings is creating monsters here.

All right, Julian. You've been on this show a lot lately, so we're just going to keep flying through it. There he goes, Julian Aguilar. There he goes. There he goes. Look at that. Whitney's already teaching these fucking kids how to do this shit.

Fucking charming, dude. You guys were laughing before he even spoke. That's the dream. I know, and then it was all downhill from there. I love it. Oh, this guy's really good. He's from Ireland. He's been on this show a few times.

Always very funny. Make some noise for the great Aaron McCann, everyone. Here he is. What's happening, fuckers? How are yous? I'm indeed from Ireland. I'll address that from the start. I've just currently became a server in Echo Park. You hipsters, bunch of ignorant bastards. Don't want nothing to do with you. A woman walked in to the cafe I worked at the other day. She sat by herself and I couldn't believe what she was doing, right? I'm walking around the restaurant as a server and she does this. And I'm like, love, you better be able to start a fucking

high school musical in this motherfucker. I do have the IRA on my space. Fucking calm down. But yeah, weird kind of day to be up here. Yesterday, me and my girlfriend broke up. Don't worry, she did it on the Lord's Day. She's fucked. But here's the thing, we live together. Great

banter. Fantastic, right? So she said to me, she wanted to have a talk, you know, about boundaries. You Americans are all about your fucking feelings. She's all like, I just feel like we should talk about it. I'm like, okay,

where do you want to go to talk about this? And she's like, can we just go to IHOP and talk about our boundaries? I'm like, is that why they changed it to IHOP? It's the fucking International House of Boundaries, for fuck's sake.

Thank you. Wait, why did they change it to IHOP? It's the fucking International House of Boundaries, for fuck's sake. Thank you. Wait, why did they change it to IHOP? It's just long enough for the bear to interrupt you. Finish it? Yeah. So she said, she's like, let's go to IHOP and talk about our boundaries. And I'm like, oh, really? Is that why they changed it to fucking IHOP?

It's the International House of Boundaries? I have to sit here with a full sack of blueberry pancakes? You shouldn't have finished it. I know. I tried to stop you from finishing it. Sorry. Well, did that really happen? It did, yeah.

You got broken up with by your American girlfriend yesterday? I did, yeah. God damn it. Wow. You looking for a bad bitch? Yeah, I feel like if you hooked up with Jolina, you guys could make another of whatever that is to the right of Jolina over there. And you can get me a fucking green card if you're down for it.

Yeah, absolutely. I didn't want to ask you this, but from the moment you fucking walked on that stage, I just... I've been working in a mall for 18 years now. I've been the security guard. I've shot a couple people. Absolutely.

And I don't know. When you walked on stage, I pictured you walking into the ladies' footlocker and me measuring your foot and just trying to find the right shoe for you. What do you feel about that? Okie dokie. Aaron, what do you feel about that?

I have no idea how the fuck to feel about that. Listen to your little You're the only guy I've ever heard whose Irish accent has gotten thicker the longer that you've stayed in Los Angeles. I refuse to change. Fuck that. Right. So let's talk about

how much longer do you have here in America? I am here for another two weeks. Two weeks. Yeah. And this is a situation because what? You couldn't get like American, what do they call it? Basically, I want like a postgraduate visa. So I have like a year here and then I have to fuck off back home and figure out another way.

St. Patrick's Day is coming up. Yeah. In March, but yeah, it's coming up for sure. Yeah, I don't know if you know how time works, fool. March is just a couple months after... January. I love the way he says January. I had to think about that for a second.

January. Does anyone... Did anyone understand what he said? No. I struggle. I'm not gonna fucking lie. I struggled.

I don't want you to compromise. I'm not trying to... I'm just saying it was not as intelligible. You also talk really fast.

I don't know if you have the accent, but you're like like that the whole time. I do, I do. Is that what they call it? Like, is it hard to tone it down a tiny bit?

It depends on, like, the scenario. Like, sometimes, like, if I go somewhere... I don't know what you just said. Okay. I'm not trying to be a dick. Let's put it in fifth gear, right? It depends on who I speak to. You don't even know what word... That's worse. What you just did, I think, was to. You don't even know what word.

That's worse. What you just did, I think, was worse. I don't know. Was that trying to take it down? Just say what I say. Hello there. Hello there. That's good.

Okay, so my girlfriend just broke up with me. My girlfriend just broke up with me. Yeah, I don't know if it's a speed thing or it's an accent thing. I think it's like the amount of words I kind of get a bit too comfortable and then I just did it again. Yeah, no idea. The other dude had to speed up. You take your hearing aid up.

You have to go to hearing aid. Do you also mind repeating this? So I'm pretty sure my favorite movie is Jumanji. Okay, alright. I had a feeling we were going there. So, Aaron, why do you think the American girl broke up

with you? Is it because you only have two weeks left? She doesn't want to get her heart broken so she wanted to make the move first? Something like that? No, I think I was just a bit of an annoying bastard to be honest. Why? I don't know. I think because we live together, it's kind of weird in that pod place.

On that what place? I'll have to fill you in on this. I live with 40 people in Echo Park. Yeah, they have some giant place that has pods. Are you a Scientologist? Is this like a Scientology open mic? I've never heard of that. They have pods in this gigantic house, and this guy charges them way too much rent.

He must be the richest human. And, yeah. So you guys live in the same place with 38 other people. And so that's probably tough. Yeah, it's a great boundary. And then what, sometimes you guys sleep in the same pod? Wasn't your premise that Americans have strong boundaries? When you live in a building with 40 people?

Clearly don't. Yeah, exactly. No, I don't know. It is weird. It's my last month there now. Ooh, the last month. The last month. But it's been a lot of fun, definitely.

And I've definitely got some good material out about it. Hey, Tony. Yeah? Can we get sexy music? I want to know what this full of dirty talk sounds like. Oh, shit. Here we go. Like, you're in the moment, eh?

Like, what do you say to this girl? Yeah, let's hear something. Your dick is inside of her, homie. I like this. Let's hear sexy talk with Aaron McCann. So you're laying in the pod. Well, doll? Aaron, you got to put that. so you're laying in the pod well doll Aaron you gotta you gotta project

Aaron we wanna hear your sexy talk it's a podcast bro don't just suck his dick oh my god you're magically delicious just giving the Americans what they want You're magically delicious. Just giving the Americans what they want. Aaron McCann knows how to hit a home run.

Oh, yeah. That's my wife. You don't owe me, fool. I'm a bad bitch. Well, Aaron, it brings joy to my heart that you came on again and talked about shit that happened yesterday. That's what I love, is when people talk about their real life and real shit that's happening and taking that chance

and sinking or swimming with it. I do want to say very quickly for a goal that this could very well be my last time here. This whole platform has been amazing. I've met some great friends and the comedians who come here every week. It's amazing.

Thank you very much. Aaron McCann, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. McCann man. M-C-C-A-N-N man. Aaron McCann. He's on Twitter. Follow him. There you go. You may never see or hear of

him again. I love he said it like he has a terminal illness. This is the last time you may see me. I'm freaking dying. I might not ever be here again. Alright. Let's get a lady up here.

We pulled one. Make some noise for Melissa Wiseman, everybody. Come on. Here we go. Melissa Wiseman. Oh, no. I'm not seeing movement. Black listing.

Oh, no. Melissa Wiseman. God damn it. She had a yeast infection Hopefully she's out Emergency yeast infection Hopefully she's out voting There you go, not yet, tomorrow Oh it's tomorrow?

Oh, whoopsie daisy I totally vote, what are you guys talking about? Another lady Alright, make some noise for Catherine Faith, everyone. Here we go. Catherine Faith. Hi, everybody. I'm Catherine Faith.

I love you, too. If you're anything like me growing up, if it's not nailed to the wall or a permanent part of the house, it was going in my vagina. Yeah, that's right. Everything from broomsticks, shampoo bottles, vases, toothbrushes, fruit. The list goes on and on. It was like I was filming an episode of Hoarders, my vagina edition. Yeah, so I'm on the Tinder, everybody. I know that's exciting. It's been two weeks now.

I'm a feminist, so I find a lot of dominant guys on there, and I agree to do all kinds of things. And I haven't met him in real life yet, but I was going to go downtown to this guy's apartment and, you know, be on a leash and on my knees, even come off the floor. Everything sounded really good. We agreed to all the terms.

But then that fucking bastard, he asked me to wear a lot of eye makeup and a padded push-up bra. And there's no way in fucking hell any man's gonna tell me what to do. So that was the end of that. And that's what I got for tonight. I'm really glad to be here. Catherine

Faith. Fuck yeah. Usually you put flowers in a vase. You put a vase in your flower. Yeah. That's poetic. I like it. That's tight. Catherine Faith speaks perfect American English,

and somehow I understood less of what you were saying than Aaron McCann. No, you heard it, but you might just not have understood the first part. Yeah, I didn't really get it. You shove a bunch of stuff into your vagina? Oh, yeah. Being physically closer is not going to help you, by the way, Catherine.

I don't know what risk you're taking right now. It's a childhood masturbation joke. Those always go over well. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Totally. That's my name. I have a name tag.

Just for reference. You're a wacky one, aren't you, Catherine? I'm the poop bucket girl. The poop bucket girl. I came on here and talked about how my parents wouldn't pull over the car, the van. And they made you poop in a bucket when you were a kid. Yes. That's me.

I remember that now. So I'm pretty straight-laced. Hell yeah. So how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Oh, since May. Since May. How's it been going for you? It's really good.

It's part of my midlife crisis, and I'm just letting it all hang out. How old are you? 36. Oh. I know I look 46. No, you don't at all. I hope you're not at midlife. Cancer runs in my family.

What does? Cancer. Cancer does in my family. What does? Cancer. Cancer does? Really? Is that true? Yeah. I don't have much time left. That's why I got to get up as much as I can.

My goodness. So you just started in May. Yeah. Why else are you having a midlife crisis? What are some other signs of your midlife crisis? Oh, how much time do you have? Shit. I moved here

from the Midwest a year ago with the man of my dreams who gave me herpes and oh, oops, that's out now. Not only is it out, but it never goes away. I thought I was being with him forever. Are you broken up? Are you together still? Oh, he broke up with me. So how

do you know he gave you herpes? I'm always curious about this. Well, it involved a hot tub, me standing in front of him. I have the V1 one, so it's from his mouth, and a little oral sex moment. And two days later, it got exciting. So that's the math on that. Oh, shit. Yeah.

How do you know it wasn't one of the broomsticks or vases or anything like that? Those were thoroughly cleansed most of the time before and after. If I had time. So you're saying that in a hot tub, he went down on you? vases or anything like that. Those were thoroughly cleansed most of the time before and after. So you're saying that in a hot tub he went down on you? Yeah, don't swish your butt around in front of a guy with an oozing cold sore. Oh, he had a cold sore. So you knew.

I knew and it was not my call. But he gave it to your mouth. I'm so sorry. I truly don't know the answer. I'm trying to educate people so they don't make the mistakes I make. Catherine, just answer the questions. What's the question? Did he put his mouth to your mouth. I'm so sorry. I truly don't know the answer. Listen, I'm trying to educate people so they don't make the mistakes I make. Catherine, just answer the questions. What's the question? Did he put his mouth on your mouth? No.

Well, my mouth's down south. He put it down here. But you pointed your mouth when you said V1. You don't have it in your mouth. There's two kinds. I got the mouth one on my... I'm gifted. I'm talented.

It's a special gift. Is that possible? Yes. I don't think that's possible. That's a different kind of herpes. He gave his mouth herpes to your vagina. It's actually quite common, getting the lip ones through oral sex. The cold sore on your vagina.

It's becoming the new trend. Did you guys know this shit? Yeah. This is why I'm here. I want to educate and add humor. By the way, this makes me not want to put my mouth near this microphone. Right, I know. I'm just...

Ever again. Man, so you got a case of the, uh... What happened? What the fuck just happened? People are getting grossed out. No, we all share these microphones every night. It's just a little... I'm trying to get intel. We got new ones. Oh, there we go. A little, uh...

A little inside info. We literally did just get these two brand new Kill Tony microphones today, so... They are the cleanest ones. So, Catherine. Yes, sir. What else makes you... So, you got broken up with by the guy that gave you herpes,

but he just went down on you. Oh, you obviously did that more than once. Don't turn your back on somebody and stand in front of them. He was seated in the hot tub. There's the whole story. Why would you stand up in the hot tub? This whole thing seems very weird to me.

Everything I do is pretty weird. It's such a hazard to stand in a hot tub. Dangerous. I guess I thought it was going to be seductive in some way. Do you really do dominatrix stuff? Is that true? I never realized that I was doing that. I thought that was just regular sex.

Look at my body language with you. I tend to really creep on people. I like it. No, I actually like it. I feel like I'm like that, too. I feel like we're actually having a lot in common. Can we get Whitney some Purell? That was silent.

Okay. Would you say, Jolena? I was just saying, can we get Whitney some Purell? Because she just does scary. No, I was just trying to do the math on the herpes thing. I'm all caught up. No, it's just trying to do the math on the herpes thing. I'm all caught up. No, it's fun. I've never done it professionally or anything,

but I guess it's like a hobby. Yeah, so that's your fetish sexually? Yeah, I just thought it was like country croc, regular. What's the most dominatrix-y thing you've ever done to someone? You ever like whip them or like show off your cold sores or anything like that? Yeah, like what is that? I'm going to touch you with this.

I'm going to spank you with this oozy cold sore. That's amazing. I actually used to do that a lot in San Salvador. Ah. Yeah, I'd be at the mall. I was a security guard down there like 15 years. And then you would watch La Bamba. Yep.

Okay. Catherine. Yeah, that's my favorite scene in La Bamba, the cold start scene. Hey, not a moment too late on that reference. Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Red Band. Wow. All right.

So, Catherine. Yes. What do you do for work? How do you make a living? Oh, you always ask me that. Shit. I, Catherine. Yes. What do you do for work? How do you make a living? You always ask me that shit. I always ask you that. It's the second time. So, I'm going to start a waitress job, like, tomorrow.

Yeah. I was doing freelance, graphic design. I went to art school. I'm in Groundlings. Is it your first waitress job? Oh, hell no. So, you've been doing that for a while. I've done it in the past, and then I got professional.

Now I'm de-professionalizing, if you can't tell. They better watch their salt and pepper shakers around you. As part of my midlife crisis. And, yes, there's hopefully will be. Can you name the restaurant that you're starting work at tomorrow? I want to, and you'll laugh, but I know what you're going to do. We can't put all of it out there. What do you mean?

I was thinking about... She's not terrible. Oh, my God. I don't know. Maybe it's not like a chain thing because I always end up at these boutique hipster places and I'm ready to just sign up for the corporation. Hell, yeah.

You know, something with benefits. Yeah. So I can keep my real job being on stage going, you know. Yeah, the real job. Yeah, the big buck job. Hell yeah. Man, well, there you go. There it is. I'm fascinated by you, Catherine. Thank you. I'm really excited to be here with you, so. I think, I think we're all fascinated. I think, you know. I'm a fascinator. Hell yeah, for sure. With the creepy stare here. So we're not going to find out where you're starting work from?

Hell no. But you haven't decided yet. You're going to just go somewhere tomorrow and get a job. I tend to do the door-to-door thing. Seems like it's a really sore subject for you. I keep putting it off. You wake up tomorrow morning, you're like, tender greens. I'm coming for you.

Every day it's like like this is the day. This is the day I'm going to start the waitress. Maybe you could get a job at the cold sore creamery. Alright. You like that one? I get a red band head nod on that. That's a good one. Alright Catherine. Well it was nice to meet you.

There you go. Catherine Faith everybody. She's on Twitter. Catherine Faith, everybody. She's on Twitter. Catherine Faith, 555. It's all happening. We're moving along smoothly. You guys having fun out there? How many of you guys like it when I pull a name out of the bucket and the comedian does good for 60 seconds?

How many of you guys like it when I pull a name out of the bucket and we see someone fail? Look at this. It this About 50-50 It's always about 50-50 Except for where was that When we're on the road those people want to see people Kill themselves It's really interesting

Michigan was brutal What's the biggest kill Tony success story Well there was a guy in San Francisco Well I mean Malcolm of course Michigan was brutal, eh? What's the biggest Kill Tony success story? Well, there was a guy in San Francisco. Well, I mean, Malcolm, of course. He writes and performs in New Minute every single week. And he has great representation. Has a full-blown career now from being on this show every week.

Preacher Lawson. Preacher Lawson, America's Got Talent. I used to work at a skate park. You are the biggest success story. Drew Lynch from America's Got Talent. Not only has Tiffany Haddish been on panel four or five times, but she was also the band for two times. She was the entire band herself, so that's like a big one. And yeah,

there was a guy in San Fran who did so good that he got the first ever golden ticket. It was in, hell yes. The guy with all the teeth. Yeah, the guy with none of the teeth. He had one tooth, and I'm like, the only thing that would make me happy right now is if you unscrew that one tooth out of your mouth, and everybody

laughed, and then he did it. It was unbelievable. He had the most magical set and interview in the history of the show. So I gave him what we called the golden ticket to where he can come here anytime. And now he's our jack-o'-lantern bucket. What a winner, fool. Okay, let's keep this fun train moving along. Your next comedian goes by the name of Chris Heist. Chris Heist. Here we go. Here he comes. Oh, we've seen this guy before. Oh, we know this guy.

Here he is. Yeah. Chris Heist, everybody. Come on. Thanks, everybody. Thanks. So, yeah, there was another shooting the other day. Fucking douche shot up a fucking yoga place with a bunch of women, shot a bunch of women.

A lot of guys fucking resent good-looking women when they get rejected by them. And they're douches, but it doesn't even make sense to me. Like, the only reason there are good-looking women is because they rejected fucking guys like us. Do you not know how sexual selection works? You don't spit out good-looking people by fucking the ugly. You should be thanking women when they reject you. You should be fucking thanking good-looking women when they reject you. When she denies you, you go, no? Okay, cool. Thanks.

Future generations will be better looking because of it. Thanks, everybody. I'm Chris Ice. Fuck yeah. I love that. This is the second time you've been on this show. Both times I'm always very surprised at how

smart the comedy is. Thank you. Because of your appearance, I'm always expecting it to just always turn into a 60-second manifesto. And you pull out an AK-47 and just mow down the whole show because you once found it, and it was called Kill Tony,

and you're like, I will fulfill this prophecy. Because you look like that. That was the M. Night Shyamalan movies of stand-up sets. Exactly. Why do you take off your shoes before you get on stage? It's a long... I've been performing in bands for like 20-something years or whatever,

and I've just always done it. It had to do with the acid early on. I got used to it. I loved it. I walk around barefoot as much as I can. You feel a connection with the earth. You're that guy. Last time we talked with you, we found out you are a minimalist

that you pretty much wear and... Minimal effort. Yep. That you pretty much wear like some of the... You have a few outfits. Yeah, this is basically it. Yeah. Except for when I have to... A job that requires other things. But my last job was totally cool with this. But you're extremely clean.

You're a professional teacher. Well, you know, I was a math tutor at a college. And a substitute teacher before that. A substitute teacher and a math tutor. What job is okay with this? You grate cheese for a living? The college math tutor. You work at a fucking shooting range as a target?

Professional motor accident. You really tear it up. Is there a reason for the shredding look? I mean, is that something you boys... No, like I said last time, it happens. And when it totally shreds beyond wearing it, then I get a new one. It happens?

Like this happened by accident? No, they say, yeah. We talked about it last time. It's just entropy. This is just fucking... This is just deterioration over time. Because I wear the same thing every day. Because that's part of your minimalist thing?

Yeah, yeah. So it deteriorates quick, and then I get a new one. I have a new shirt underneath because it fucking just fell apart. Are you happy with how you're received in this? Yeah. It's interesting to see people

whatever. You cross the street? Yeah. Let me ask you something. you know, to see people, you know, whatever. You cross the street? Yeah, people. Let me ask you something. Because I sort of get the minimalist thing, and because it's like you just want to have it be simple, right? But let me ask you this.

What if instead of that, what if it was regular jeans that fit you properly and a black T-shirt? But that's too ordinary. Right. I've done way too much. How about you can dress up as Jesus? No, that's too... I get that all the time too. So I guess I'm just trying to figure out a middle ground.

Oh no, but why a middle ground? Well, here I agree. Your set was really smart. Thanks. I think you could do this for a living if you wanted to. Thanks. I was straight up jealous of that premise.

That was a very smart premise. Exactly. Thank you very much. I like the sort of how surprising it was because I didn't expect it. It goes two ways. I know what you're saying here is that yes it works because there's a surprise element because we originally think you're insane and then it turns out you're super smart. we originally think you're insane and then it

turns out you're super smart i still think you're insane i mean that's what all comics are to some degree right that's part of what we do yeah so i guess what we're saying is is we instead of ever going more normal dressing our ordinary to be To me, normal is fucking boring. Right, exactly. So yeah, the weirder the better. Right, because you know that you've got it all there. You know that you're sane. Yeah, yeah.

So dressing crazy is just sort of fun to you. Yeah, I mean, it's not... Like I said, you can see my videos on YouTube. You can see the deterioration happen There are times when this is a brand new sweatshirt You have time-lapse videos of your sweatshirts on YouTube? No, not time-lapse You can see there's many videos

You can see, oh, this is from 2016 This is 2017 I've had t-shirts last me for 20 years I don't know how to explain it I don't know how to explain it Other than because somebody told me Because I wear it all the time That it happens faster because of that.

But what you're doing is you're creating work for me. Do you know what I mean? You know when people wear things that it makes you have to work harder? Because now I have to, like, pretend like it's not happening. This fucking, fucking, you know. Yeah, but that's the case with our fucking world is too boring. People should be like. I disagree.

The world is not that boring. Is it? Like, because it's just it's making me have to do all this acting while I'm talking to you because I'm like, not look at it. Like you want the audience to do as little work as possible. You know? No, I understand. I understand. But my material is more, you know, philosophical and fucked up.

So, like, it goes, you know, if I was. It wasn't that fucked up, actually. No, that joke goes, you know, if I was. It wasn't that fucked up actually. No, that joke is, you know, but yeah, a lot of it is very, you know, it's anti-authoritarian philosophical. What would we be surprised about if we saw your like, like what's your living situation? Just living in a small apartment in Van Nuys. Hell yeah. And is there anything, you know, shredded about your apartment?

No, no. Because I just moved in a few months ago. You have furniture or anything? Like I said, I'm a minimalist, so I have a bed. I have the computer on a desk and then a bunch of books. Oh, you brought a bunch of books with you? Where are you from again? Florida, Gainesville. Do you have any pets, like mothballs?

No. Scissors? No. No scissors? No, I mean, I have a pair of scissors in the house. You know what's driving me nuts? You could just rip the bottom part off. It's like a hangnail. You like it like that,

though, because then they can't see that you don't have feet, so you get to kill two birds with one stone. You get to feel grounded, and nobody's going to be like, look at the guy with no shoes, unless you see it from behind, which we saw. From behind, you're not wearing shoes. Right, right. Tony. From behind, you're not wearing shoes. In his defense, he never smiles as homeless as he looks. Exactly. It is very impressive.

When you walked by, I was like, here we go. I was like, ooh. He showers daily, but he looks like he showers never. I'm used to it by now. Like I said, I've been dressing in this manner For like 20 years

Or something This is your uniform When you're digging Through the ditches And burning through the witches And slamming in the back Of your Dracula Yeah

I've done before Yeah Metaphor Let me ask you this Chris You're a minimalist So What type of like Woman are you attracted to

Are they all High maintenance to you? No, no, no. I only have one outfit. Let's go. I try not to be judgmental, although I am because I'm a comic. The women do that to them, like trying to escape is what it looks like. No, but yeah, you know. Get off me.

Oh, my God. Have you ever tried just maybe wearing a shirt that's like a weird color instead? No, I mean, like I said, I don't do this on purpose. Like, this just happens, and I don't give a shit. And then eventually I have to switch it up, you know, because it's like a, you know, it's not even there. So this, I'm about to start wearing a new one of these. I want to see what your next outfit looks like. It's just going to be this sweatshirt new.

But this doesn't look, sorry, I keep almost breaking the story. But it looks like you've sewn onto this. Oh, yeah, this is because they deteriorate so quickly. I've taken them to alterations place and getting them shittily. Oh, that's not shittily. No, shittily sewn back up. I'm like five bucks, whatever you can do for five bucks. Because, you know, I can't have my fucking nuts hanging out.

So I have to, whenever these tear, they're very old pants. Why stop there? Why not have your nuts hang out? Why not? Nobody else is doing it. They're the most comfortable pants in the world. Life is boring. Have your balls hang out. There are norms and laws. So I never really got an answer out of you.

What are you attracted to? I'm not very, you know, many different types. I'm not too picky. Right. I can't be. Have you ever found a minimalist woman? No, actually. That'd be pretty cool.

Are there minimalist bars or anything? No, not that I know of. PBR or something like that? Only the blue ribbon here. It's a minimalist bar. If you need anything else, go to the Applebee's down the street. Have you ever had a girl a serious girlfriend recently uh not recently but a couple times before yeah yeah this is gonna be a problem oh i understand that i understand that well you know i would like someone who's you know

artistic and into is that a deal breaker if a girl's like you have to oh yeah yeah it'd be like the same thing if I told her she had to wear like fucking tore up shit or whatever. You better never talk to me like that. No, yeah. I understand that my attitude is let alone, but I see it in another sense. If she's mad about that, if that's

an issue for her, then definitely hearing my stand up is going to be an issue for her. Got it. And everything I think. I like your style. I think you can get almost any woman you want. I mean, some of the chicks we met here today, cold sores and yeast infections. I mean, I think you have the market corner. Let's keep moving it along. There he goes, his second ever time on Girl Party.

Thanks again, guys. Chris Heist, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. ChrisHeist.com. C-H-R-I-S-H-E-I-S-T dot com is his website. Let's go, let's see a new minute from our regular

ladies and gentlemen. Every single week this force of nature writes and performs a brand new minute on this show. We love him, you know him, it's the great and powerful Malcolm Hatchet, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. Yeah. Audience, make some noise for Malcolm Hatchet, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. Yeah.

Audience, make some noise for Malcolm Hatchet, everybody. What's up? What's up? Hi. I'm on an edible. Yeah. I feel like Jell-O. Just wiggly.

Whenever I see gang members throw up gang signs, it look like they swatting away bugs. Gang member threw up some gang signs on me, I gave him some bugs. Bro, I said, here. He started spraying it. Other day, this dude called me a monkey yeah I thought it was cool

because I got material out of it I was like oh yeah I'm your monkey so I went to 7-Eleven and bought a banana and I went back up to him and I was like smack the shit out of him eat this banana that shit was a dollar

you ever get high and start cleaning up random places and smack the shit out of him. Eat this banana, that shit was a dollar. You ever get high and start cleaning up random places? Other guy got high and went to McDonald's, they was like, hey, what you want? I said, a mop. I want to help y'all out. Fuck yeah. The great and powerful Malcolm Hatchett.

You did it again. Is that true? You ate an edible before this? I ate a couple of them. Oh, I can tell. Look at you. Look at those little eyes. They're different tonight.

This is how I walked up to the store. So you just recently got back into smoking weed again and eating weed, right? No, I just recently started. Oh, just started. Like January. Wow. That's a fresh start. Then I started doing everything.

Give me that, give me that, that, that, that. What do you mean? Like pot-wise. You're not talking about drugs, right? No, of course not. Wait, what? Now I don't believe you. Now I feel like you're on fentanyl right now. So I've never met you in person before.

Is your energy Similar to this normally Or is this more buoyant Than normal Oh when I'm sober It's crazier Cause you have a great energy Don't stay on Whatever drugs you're on

Yeah He usually has a little bit More energy actually Don't get sober Yeah when I'm sober It scares me So drugs slow me down Oh so you're too much

Sometimes Yeah I was out of shape So I had to I'm like that kind of too Yeah I'm perfect on like Two edibles When I'm like half kind of, too. I'm perfect on, like, two edibles. When I'm, like, half asleep.

Damn. I can't do edibles at all. I smoke pot all the time, but if I do an edible, I start just sweating profusely and freaking out. I love them, for I conceived my first child on two edibles. Wow. Uh-oh, here we go. Hey, Malcolm.

Very nice. Here's my story Eating an edible in Denver Ate way too much Ended up on my bed reading the bible Convinced I was dying Just praying to Jesus I did my first edible ever When I went and saw the movie Gone Girl

Did you guys see Gone Girl Oh shit Hell yeah I started freaking out Because I and saw the movie Gone Girl. Did you guys see Gone Girl? Oh, shit. Hell yeah. I started freaking out because I was watching the movie, and it hit me. And I was like, oh, god, I must be really fucking high. I see Tyler Perry. And they were like, no, I think he's just in the movie.

I was like, no way is Tyler Perry just in this movie. I was like, no way! Is Tyler Perry just in this movie? So I was like, do you see Tyler Perry? To everyone, and they kick me out of the arc light. Are you serious? Yeah, that happened the week that Gone Girl came out. I love that. So I only do them at home now. So Malcolm, have you had any bad experiences

since you started smoking pot in January? Yeah, just running out You are a monster Goddamn monster How old are you? You seem really young 24 Wow, great Are you ready to be a father?

Hell yeah Alright, I'll see you later Wow That's fun What did you do? Hell yeah. All right, I'll see you later, eh? Wow. Run! That's fun. You've been, what'd you do? Did you go somewhere this weekend?

Did you do some work? Or you have something coming up or something? Oh, I'm about to go to San Diego Friday, and I'm going to go to Fresno Saturday. Uh-huh. We'll do some comedy. Have you ever been to Fresno before? Yeah, I've been to Fresno with a friend named Bruce. It was nice. Yeah.

I forgot the name of the place. Yeah. Bruce Gray? Yeah. That's my dog, Bruce Gray. Yeah, I like Bruce to Fresno with a friend named Bruce. It was nice. Yeah. I forgot the name of the place. Yeah. Bruce Gray? Yeah. That's my dog. Yeah. I like Bruce.

He's been on this show many times. Oh, my God. You're going to be a millionaire. Yeah. This is like this like charming ass face. Like he's so like I don't want to compare to other black people because that's always racist. So I'm not going to do that. But you have that bright, shiny, good... Hell yeah.

Fuck yeah. Sign him, agents. It's already happened. He's already been signed. Yeah. It's crazy. Likeable. You know, TV shows, they test them.

Yeah. They turn these knobs when someone walks on the screen before they even start talking and the people start turning the knob. People just be turning that fucking knob on that face. Yeah. Yeah. Just try not to overdose. That's honestly why I like the movie

La Bumba. They were turning knob. Well Malcolm you did it again. Another brand new minute. There you go. He's on fire ladies and gentlemen. The truth. The truth.

The truth has arrived and his name is Malcolm Hatchet. Love him. He's so great. Hell yes, he is. So cute. Has anything bad happened since you started smoking pot in January? Yes, I ran out. I'm about to make some fucking peanut butter cup babies tonight, eh?

Is that really what they're called? That's what I call them. Back to the bucket we go. You guys ready to meet another stranger? Well, actually, we know this young lady, ladies and gentlemen. She's been on this show a few times. You know her. You love her.

She's a legend on this show already. Ladies and gentlemen, Cassandra Cass, everybody. Here we go. Here she comes. You'll love her. She's a legend on this show already. Ladies and gentlemen, Cassandra Cass, everybody. Here we go. Here she comes. So I'm going to tell you all about how I lost my virginity. So as you know by now, I'm a proud transgender woman, so I don't have any issues with men.

So I was coming out of a bar, and I saw this guy, and he screams out of his car, hey, would you like to be my sperm receptacle? Now, most people might find that offensive, but I was like, hey, that sounds like something I could plug into. So I basically walk over there, and he's like, get in the car. And of course he's got one of these really small clown cars. So I literally have to squeeze in there.

And yeah, it was not the best sex I ever had. Yeah, the terrible thing is I actually met him at a straight club later and he even denied that he knew me until he said, hey, did I lose my wallet in your car? I'm like, no, motherfucker, but I went shopping. That's it. I'm sorry. I just wanted to meet you, Whitney. Wow, look at that.

I'm a huge fan. Look at that. Exactly a minute. Hit the joke right on the head. It was actually a compelling enough subject. Red Band was on the edge of his seat the entire time. He's always on the edge of his seat. He can't fit on the whole thing.

Oh, shit. Jolina. Joelberg is rich. He's Joelberg'd up, ladies and gentlemen. Cassandra, I mean, I don't know what you rambled there when it was the end of your set, but I would say

that's your best minute that I've ever seen. Oh my god, thank you. Really interesting. Is that true? It is true. I actually did, and he did say, do you want to be a sperm or a septum? I mean, it's true. I mean, I think we could all help you with that story

almost beat by beat. When you say, you know, like it's little things like when you say like clown car, like it's so, you're not really describing it. I mean, we know what you're trying to say. Like if you were more specific, it would help that story. Like a Mini Cooper. It was a Festiva, but I don't know.

Oh, genius! But a Festiva ages me because, you know, they don't make them anymore. No, no, no. You can't. You're timeless, baby. Am I timeless, baby? Thank you. Yeah. You can't worry about things like that. Like, your looks un-age whatever age that you're afraid thank you i just got dumped and he told me i was too old that's why he dumped yes really he drove a fucking festivus or listen all those horny open micers back there no there's guys masturbating in the corner right now doing their best louis c impressions. Can I just say something Tony? Yes, go ahead. I was introduced

to you by the guy I was dating and he... Wait, wait, wait. You were introduced to me by the guy you were dating? Yes, he took me the first time I ever came to the comedy store. He was a fan of yours. Yes. And so paybacks are to get on this motherfucking stage. Oh! Yeah, but anyways, I'm

such a fan of you, Whitney. Thank you for being a strong woman's voice. Wow. Thank fan of you, Whitney. Thank you for being a strong woman's voice. Thank you. What an honor. Thank you. Man, you never thanked me for being a strong woman. I'll thank you later. Tony, thank you.

Whoa, jeez Louise, look at that. It's because you're a weak bitch, Tony. Man, man, I'm gonna... I just, please keep talking. It's just so great. I think there's so many people that are so confused about this stuff. I mean, it's such an important time. Your's just so great. I think there's so many people that are so confused about this stuff. It's such an important time.

Your voice is so important. Please keep talking. Keep doing this show. Well, I mean, what I try to teach people, because I get all these crazy questions. They're always like, how do you have... Do that. Do a whole bit on what to call, what you're supposed to say. Do I get wet?

Do I have a yeast infection? I mean... Yeah, we want a yeast infection? I mean. Yeah, we want to hear you talk about it. Right. So, do you? I sure do get wet. There we go, baby. Wow.

All goobers. Hey, Cassandra. Hey, Cassandra. Guys, then call me a wet back. You know what I'm saying? I love your eye makeup and the little sparkles. I fucking love your everything. Oh, my God. You guys are adorable finally somebody noticed

but actually I'm a huge fan of Whitney and I follow you and I know that when you're off you wear like really couture dresses because usually I dress like a cahore and I totally like dress this for you it is really for you thank you it's my art

wow that is absolutely adorable. Thank you. So, Cassandra, did you end up giving him his wallet back? Is that how it worked? No. The funny thing was, I grew up in Iowa, and this happened in Iowa. And I remember I went to the straight club, and he totally fucking ignored me. This is after you had sex.

After we had sex. And because I'm also curious, how does a guy say, do you want to be my sperm receptacle i just want to know the intonation oh no i came out and he had curly hair and i was like god that guy's cute and i didn't have sex till i was 22 i was very much approved and so then he said do you want to be a sperm receptacle how did he say it just like he's like yo i said oh hi and he goes hey you want to be my sperm receptacle keep in mind this is iowa and i grew up with all guys and had low self-esteem at the time you know anybody who would even say anything to me i was like yeah and then i got in the car and nobody

even taught me about you know sex and i mean if you've ever like had sex in the booty the first time it is painful in a very small car. It's painful on a very big bed. And he didn't even use lube or anything. It was the worst experience. It was the worst experience. This is a night, vaginal sex is painful in a Festiva. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. Just being in a Festiva is painful. It's very painful. This is a lot to process That is incredible A lot to take in And you said You said that the

That your boyfriend That introduced you to this Show To this show Yes Just broke up with you Yeah he Actually I went to go visit him

It was the day after my birthday When was that? August 31st was my birthday Okay So I flew down there And we had sex like five fucking times Wow It was the day after my birthday. When was that? August 31st was my birthday. So I flew down there and we had sex like five fucking times. And then he wanted to keep me a secret. And one thing, if you know anything about me, I don't live my life as a fucking secret.

I did not fucking go through all this shit to be a secret. And I told him, I said, I want to. He's like, what do you want? I said, I want a boyfriend that I can put on Instagram. I want a boyfriend that I can say, this is the person I love. Me too. Yeah, so, yeah.

So he fucked me. You know, we had sex and then I flew back and then he called me and said, well, I don't think this is going to work. It's an age difference thing. It was bullshit. It was, yeah. Who this man, eh? You'll see him in Texas thing. It was bullshit. It was, yeah. Who this man, eh? You'll see him in Texas.

He's coming to all your shows, Tony. All your shows. Stay home, fool. Well, there you go. I mean, Cassandra, I'm really excited

about everything that came out in this interview and I'm glad you got to perform in front of Whitney. Your first time ever doing stand-up was here and to get to see that

and do that is unbelievable. Congratulations, Cassandra. And thank you for being such a fan and icon on this show. There she goes, Cassandra Cass, everybody. Look at that. Thank you. Boom. I love you.

I'm going to post this. I hope your boyfriend follows me. I'm posting that photo right now. Fuck yeah. I love this shit. What's your Instagram, Cassandra? I'm on it. I am such a fan.

I love you. You guys are so sweet. It's fucking estrogen, a little bit of testosterone. It's all flying around the room right now. Sit down, lady. All right. I feel like between both of us, we're a full woman. We're a good team.

You guys ready to go back to this bucket one last time? We have time for one more. One more. So let's see what happens. Okay. This looks like a new name. How about Alex the Key Garza? Garga?

Alex the Key. In quotations. The Key. Is this him? Is that Alex? Or is that just some guy leaving? Yeah, it's him. I believe it's him.

Keep playing, guys. It's Alex the Key Garza. One more time for your final comedian of the night, Alex the Key Garza. How are we doing tonight, guys? So I'm a cancer survivor. I'm dating a Taurus now. I hope I survive that one, too.

Yeah, I don't know if you guys follow the news, but it was out like two weeks ago that Tom Cruise refuses to talk to his 10-year-old daughter for the last two years because she refuses to join Scientology. I mean, what a piece of shit. How hard is it to listen to your father? Like, just fucking convert. Jesus. All my friends used to tell me

that my ex-girlfriend was a fucking whore. And it's like, just because she was obsessed with Kabuki Bukkake She was obsessed with Bukkake There you go Alright Give it up for Hack Miller Oh man

Hey, rest in peace That was's alive eh And not good at stand up I think you mean Big Mac Miller You should have laughed at that fools Alex the Key That was hilarious Garcia

And why does it say the key in quotation Cause you made fun of me For having a key on my necklace last time And I just took it as an honor. Oh. I added another key on there for you. Wow. It's a bottle opener.

The other key's for handcuffs, right? Yeah, it is. Wow, Redman. I have no idea how I did that. What the fuck? Wow, good eye. What do you guys have? A weirdo off right now or something?

What is happening? You have a pair of handcuffs at your house? Hey, I got the handcuff key too, bro. Fuck yeah. Hey, Brian. Brian's like, you had me on the edge of my seat. Because he doesn't like 75% of the blowjobs. Alex, Alex, stop trying to reference things that you know about the show to save your own ass.

Let's talk about that set that you had, shall we? All right. What happened? Was that what you were planning on doing? Was that the thing? Or you called an audible on the walk up here? Everything you just thought of in the moment? I thought it went pretty well, actually.

I guess it was Hack Miller, Big Mac Miller, all that. It went over with the crowd. All right. I'm a big but it went over with the crowd. All right. I'm a big fan of yours, by the way. I came. All right. Thank you. In my pants.

Cassandra already took all the good compliments on this one. I got one. No one cares if Alex the Key Garcia likes them. Alex the Key Garcia. So remind me, how long have you been doing stand-up? It's been a year or two. And what do you do for work? I am an assistant GM somewhere.

Assistant GM somewhere? I don't want to say the name of the company. Is it a big company? What do you mean you're an assistant GM somewhere? What kind of company? It's a food place. It's a food place? Yeah. Clearly, I mean... It's not what people

that work at food places call them. They're called restaurants. It's a food place. Well, it's not really... It's not a restaurant. That's why. Oh, God. Please don't do that thing with the mic. It's a grocery store? I'm going to have a heart attack. Oh, it's a Trader Joe's. Someone just yelled Ralph's like they've seen him there before. I could see

him ringing that little bell. Is it a Trader Joe's? Wink once if it is. No. It's not. I almost died. It's not a Trader Joe's. Little fun fact. Since grocery stores came up, I wasn't going to bring this up, but I will mention it.

Yesterday, I almost died in a Trader Joe's, ladies and gentlemen. Little fun fact for you. My wife loves kombucha, the glass bottle pressurized drink. Which means she hates money. Yeah, and I was putting one in my shopping bag thingy, and it rolled out, and it hit the ground,

and it exploded, and it shot like a pipe bomb, and it sliced my artery right here on my arm, and I bled like a motherfucker. Was it squirting out everywhere? It was everywhere. Oh my god. Everywhere. I might as well have gotten shot

multiple times in the arm. It was just flowing out of me. And yeah, I ended up going to the ER. Did you do the ambulance or did you drive there? The ambulance came but I'm like, fuck that. That's like $1,000. It's not not really it wasn't about the money it was about you know just like the you know i'm no fucking pussy you know what i'm saying don't let this

bone structure fool you i'm a badass motherfucker from youngstown ohio anyway um so i turned down the ambulance but the bad part was is that the tough guy that I am, I kept almost passing out for the rest of the day from the blood loss that I ignored previously, but we butterflied up. My wife wanted to play doctor, basically, so she butterflied up the thing really good. Even the doctor at the ER last night when I finally went because I almost passed out here after doing my spot. I drove myself to the hospital after almost passing out in the parking lot. Oh my god,

dude. I don't know why this is so funny to me. Because it's batshit crazy that you didn't just go to the fucking doctor. I know. The fact that you came to do stand-up with a hemorrhaging arm is so fucking insane. I know. The fact that you came to do stand-up with a hemorrhaging arm is so fucking insane. Oh my

God, I just love it. Anyway, so yeah, that's basically what... So what we're saying is vote, everybody. Yeah, that's basically what the doctor... I noticed everybody at the hospital kept looking at me weird when they're like, so when did this happen? I'm like, yeah, I was bleeding everywhere, everywhere, everywhere, everywhere. They're like, when did this happen? I'm like, 3pm

today. It was midnight already. They're like, are did this happen? I'm like, 3 p.m. today. It was midnight already. They're like, are you retarded? I don't know if you all have seen La Bamba recently, but like at the very end of the movie, the one guy's like, hold on, La Bamba, it's Ricky Valens. He died with the big bopper. He died with the guy with the glasses on. I mean, there you go.

So moving on. Alex, have you ever almost died before? Have you ever had a close call? I've never almost died, no. You ever been to the hospital? Yeah, I shattered my ankle skateboarding. I did a 360 flip off six stairs. Fuck yeah, dude.

That's fucking awesome, bro. Well, I fucking didn't landing. I did a 360 flip off six stairs. Fuck yeah, dude. 360. Well, I fucking didn't land it. I did a fucking three. What are you talking about? Weighing 360? Come on. Close. Man.

Alex, what do those keys go to other than the handcuff one? What does that other one go to? The other one's a bottle opener. It's just a bottle opener? They don't go to his refrigerator. I'll tell you that. So girls don't give you shit for that? Like, what's up with the gay-ass key on your neck?

Well, I really don't wear it. Like, ow, I just wore it one time here, and then I wore it again just because, you know, the golden pony. Oh, no, it's not gay at all because you did it for a man. Right, exactly. If you're wearing the key for me, then you know the, you know, you have all the answers. I like you're wearing the key for me then you know the you know you have super straight

you have all the answers i like you by the way yeah i think you have a very buoyant energy you're very positive you have a great essence you you're just still smiling for some reason yeah well you're complimenting me yeah yeah i know i just a big mac comment i mean you should fucking i know i know i throw some fucking celery at me or something. I feel like I said it very... I threw that one away. That was just for you. I loved it.

I thought it was hilarious. You're putting me in a good mood. Oh, thank you. I really appreciate that. I like that. Thank you. Yeah. What does your back tattoo say?

Oh, shit. I didn't even see that. It's sticking out of his shirt. That's a secret. Alex, it's for Victoria. What does it say? What's on your back? It's like a whole back piece.

You have a tattoo? Yes, it's coming up. Oh! Is it a tattoo of the place you work at? Let's see that. Let's see that tattoo, dude. You got to take it off, bro.

Hell yeah. Man. Oh, wow. I didn't realize he was the little boy from King of the Hill. Dude, you got to take that wife beater off, bro. I'm sorry.

This is the end of Kill Tony. Wow. Oh, my God. Are those wings? Oh, my God. Are those angel wings? Wait. Are those wings?

What are those? Wow. You have wings on the back and in your belly. They're buffalo wings. That is incredible. What is that? Get in front of the microphone, Alex.

Hold on, let's see. Have you ever got a photo with those wings that are on the side of a building that's like Santa Monica with your wings? Give me the idea. I fucking did this for you guys, by the way. This is fucking... No, Alex, Alex, listen to us. Over here, Alex.

Yeah, great, on fucking YouTube. Hell yeah. Alex, why would you get angel wings on your back? I was 16 years old when I did that. And the crow had just come out. Before he died. I feel like those wings couldn't even lift you when you were 16.

All right, I'm putting my shirt back on. You have angel wings on the back and angel food cake in the front. Yes, it's a crown. Is your dad the Burger King? Hey, homie. Oh, he did it again. Wow. Dude, you had it your way.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What does that say? What are the words above your... I've never seen somebody's weight in Roman numerals. All right. What does that say? I'm putting my shirt back on. Alex the Key,

what does that say? What does that say on the front of your chest? What does that mean? Into the microphone. Alex, into the microphone. No, not hold on. What are you afraid of? It's a podcast. People listen to this

shit you're already done they're gonna pause on your stomach and analyze it anyway get in the mic what does it say on your chest what does it say on your chest it's roman numerals for my birthday wow how about on your back what does it say above the angel wings? It says stay true. Stay true? Yeah. It's my fucking passion. That's why I'm up here. This is your passion? What about the grocery store shit? Yeah, that's not my passion, dude. Wow. Now I know. I can tell you really love this. That's inspiring.

Yeah. I think you're inspiring. I have nothing mean to say. Yeah, well fucking A, dude. Follow your dreams, right? Alex, I agree, buddy. Stay true. I'm telling you buddy I used to work at a grocery store too dude I mean I was 16 and shit Now he just hemorrhages in them Yeah now I just die in grocery stores

Well Alex You did it You were able to by taking off your shirt You were able to get us out on a fun climactic note Alex the key Garcia There he goes everybody you were able to, by taking off your shirt, you were able to get us out on a fun, climactic note. Alex the Key Garcia. There he goes, everybody. Alex the Key.

And we did it! We did it! That's another episode of Kill Tony, live from the Comedy Store, the number one live podcast in the world. Hey, look at that drawing from Ryan J. Ebeld. He did that while we were sitting here doing tonight's episode. That's the house artist, Ryan J. Ebel. Whitney Cummings has an amazing book called I'm Fine and Other Lies. And her movie, The Female Brain, is out there.

Check it out. Bakersfield, California, Cleveland, Ohio, St. Louis, Missouri, Sacramento, California, Spokane, Las Vegas, La Jolla, Salt Lake City, Nashville. Some of those already happened. Fuck yeah. Las Vegas, La Jolla, Salt Lake City, Nashville. Go to Whitney Cummings dot com and get tickets to seeing Whitney. Thank you so much. I did.

I have a good time. I feel like I didn't talk a lot because I didn't want to interrupt you. You were great. That's perfect. Perfect. First appearance is a guest. Whitney Cummings, ladies and gentlemen. How about one more time for the great and powerful Joel Berg, everybody, huh?

He's on social media at Mostly Sorry, across the boards on everything. He's going to be with us this Friday in Swansea, and we're taking him all over Texas with us. Hopefully we don't get pulled over Texas with us. Hopefully we don't get pulled over for having you in the car. Someone's going to think it's a slow moving caravan of migrants or whatever. It's going to be a short tour.

How about one more time for William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. He's not fooling me. I know who that was the whole time. I'll be honest, y'all. I watched the movie Anaconda a couple weeks ago. It was Jennifer Lopez's probably best movie.

There you go. Hey, silent but deadly, Chroma Chris was here tonight, believe it or not. Chroma, Chroma, Chroma Chris, what did you think about tonight's episode? It was mech-cellent, Tony. It was mech-cellent. Kill this fool, eh? Wow. We're in Swansea, Texas, and I'm in Dallas New Year's Eve. Baltimore the 29th through December 1st,

but that's just stand-up Baltimore and Dallas. Come see Kill Tony East this Friday, and then all of Texas the week after that. San Antonio, Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth. And that's it. Go to stamps.com, use Kill Tony for a special four-week trial offer. Enter the promo code Kill Tony. There's a

Kill Tony shirt in the lobby if you want that. Also go to youtube.com slash Kill Tony for all the video episodes. Yeah, seriously. For those of you that just listened to the show, why not give it a shot? Go on your smart TV and go to the YouTube app and pull it up. I know people that have viewing parties at the Ohio State University,

giant frat houses and things like that. We got to get out there and make some noise because we have some of the craziest, most diehard fans. But you guys just have to share it with your mainstream loser friends that still watch SNL and shit like that. Just keep telling everybody how much you love it. Live audience, thank you so

much. Have a great night, everybody. See you guys. Real quick. Thank you. Thanks for watching! Thank you.