KILL TONY - KILL TONY #307

Episode Date: November 14, 2018

Esther Povitsky, Benji Aflalo, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 11/12/2018   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes, audio portions of the show, video portions, and you can also click on tour dates. Thank you. Texas. So check out death squad.tv and click on tour dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, Tony Hinchcliffe.com. Check out everything golden pony, including tour dates and all his stuff

at Tony Hinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode. He made the kill Tony book in the posters. Go to Ryan J. Ebelt.com. And last but not least, shopsquad.tv. That's the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, including Kill Tony t-shirts and hats and mugs and everything. Go to shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the road-famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff.

Hey, everybody. Hello. We're here. Make some fucking noise. Brian Red Band's here. Hi. Brian J. Ebelt is in Texas. We are back from an amazing time in beautiful, beautiful Massachusetts

with our record-setting attendance for a live show ever. It's crazy. We didn't think that there was going to be that many people there. And we walk in, it's our biggest show ever. Biggest show ever. Kill Tony East happened this weekend in Swansea, Massachusetts. It was unbelievable. We're taking it all over the road.

For those of you watching live on YouTube right now around the globe, be on the lookout for some fun announcements coming next week, guaranteed. But tomorrow night we're doing San Antonio. The night after that, Austin, Texas. The night after that, Austin, Texas. The night after that, Houston, Texas. And then we do five shows over the weekend in Fort Worth, Texas. That's all this week.

It's Kill Tony, Texas. So that's happening. And then I do a weekend in Magoobie's Comedy Club. That's not a joke. That's not the first joke of the night. That is a real genuine plug. I'm doing a place called Magoobie's Comedy Club at the end of this month in Baltimore, Maryland. And then New Year's Eve, I am back in Texas. I'm in

Dallas, Texas for two shows with Jeremiah Watkins will be with me for that night for two shows, just stand-up comedy, no Kill Tony, Dallas, Texas. A lot of people are saying, a lot of my favorite big comedians have been coming up to me lately talking about how smart it is that we created a podcast that we can take on the road and go do it and fucking do a podcast while having an audience and while having it be compelling and exciting. They say that it's so, so smart. And I agree with them. But you know what's not smart?

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scans thousands of resumes, identifies people with the right skills, education, and experience for your job, and actively invites them to apply for it. So you get quality candidates fast. No more sorting through the wrong resumes. No more waiting for the right candidates to apply. It's no wonder that ZipRecruiter is number one by employers in the U.S. It's rated number one by employers in the U.S. Yes. And right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free. It's crazy. For free at this exclusive web address,

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You guys ready to start this show or what? We are live in the main room of the Comedy Store, the greatest comedy club on the planet for the number one live podcast in the world. And every week, oh, yeah, I should announce that we have Ichabod's famous, Ichabod's Bucket of Destiny is here. And when we were in Swansea, Massachusetts, an amazing artist made us a new Ichabod's Bucket of Destiny.

It has the entire cast of the show and Josh Martin and Pat Reagan and all these crazy things. Chroma Chris, Red Band Jeremiah, Joel, My Giant Head. And it's crazy and it's a custom-made bucket. That's really cool. I mean, just the design of it. So this will be the new bucket, but Ichabod's bucket of destiny will stay here, I guess, for the night, and this will be Ichabod's new bucket of destiny. The powers will transfer

through this episode. Every single episode, I always have two of the funniest comedians in the world, one or two, sometimes three. This week it's two. Back to our normal format with two of my favorite human beings. Two people that I've been doing stand-up comedy with

for over 11 years. Two of my favorites. They are the stars of the show that they created themselves called Alone Together, which is on Hulu. Right now you can binge watch all the episodes. They are absolutely hilarious. Make some noise for the great and powerful Benji Aflalo and Esther Pivitsky.

Wow. It's Esther's first time on the show. Show her some love, people. Come on. It's little Esther, Benji Aflalo. Benji, this is your perhaps fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth time on as a guest on this show. Yeah.

I love the show. I'm stoked to be here. You're doing a great job. Red Band's doing a great job. The band's doing a great job. You sound phony. But it's true. The band's not even out here yet.

But I'm saying in general, I'm familiar with the show, and I think you guys are doing good. Benji Aflalo is not only the star of their show, but I've worked with Benji for years. He's one of the most prolific roast writers in all of comedy, everyone. So if you ever need anybody to write something mean to someone else, he is

amazing. That's very nice of you, Tony. I was raised by very mean people and so it was very easy for me to be mean. And Tony also is very good at roast writing. I don't know if you guys know that. Yes, we worked on many roasts together, including the first ever roast show, Comedy Central's

The Burn, back in 2010. I wrote that pilot. We made it in 2011. Have you mentioned the open mic flyer from when we were young pups? No, go ahead. Tell these people. That's great. We used to host the potluck here at the Comedy Store. Which was originally back then, that was the only way to be seen or get into this club whatsoever.

There was no Kill Tony because nobody fucking created it yet. But yeah, so we used to be the only two hosts. We wouldn't host at the same time, but it was just like we sort of had a monopoly on the whole gatekeeper thing here. So we were hosting the show, and it was very different. Now it's very popular here. There's a big audience and stuff. But back then there wasn't much going on, so there was a lot of pressure on the host to keep the show interesting because there wasn't a good audience and the comics aren't that good.

So we would be mean to the people that just went on stage. We would make fun of them tremendously to keep the audience alive and awake and hear. Sort of the opposite of what we're doing right now in this very moment. But. Somebody made a flyer for an open mic. Yes. That had. This is the big ribbon on top of this whole thing.

Somebody made a flyer for an open mic that had Benji and Tony's face on it and said, these two won't be here. Because everybody in the open... Got distributed. Yeah, all the open micers hated us so much back then. They hated us. You were mean. We were real.

Were. One time. And there used to be a culture, like, because the guys older than us were mean to us, and they were like, we're making you stronger. So we're just like, yeah, we're making everyone stronger. And everyone's like, you just made fun of me. And they cried about it. Yeah.

Either that or they quit or they got stronger. Either way, who gives a fuck? We made it, dude. Every single episode of this show, we have a band. They commit to being different characters every single week. I am so thrilled to announce that we have the entire goddamn band. They are the best damn

band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Here we go. Oh! Wow, wow, wow. Wow! Looks like they're back in full effect.

Wow! They are prisoners, no doubt about it. That is, uh... God damn it. Not nails. Why is my mind blanking out? Shanks, you bitch! Shanks, that's right.

It's Shanks and Chroma Chris, who, for some reason, is a slight John Waters look to him tonight. And we have, I guess, what is Jolina with a buzz cut back there. Joelberg has a mustache and they are dressed up as prisoners. I'm fucking excited about that. You know, Shanks. I don't know if you could summon any of Jeremiah in you, but where have you been? We've been missing you for a while.

Yo, man, I got locked back up. It was crazy, dog. Man, I accidentally, like, tossed my blunt and I started some fires, man. Wow. And I killed Stan Lee today. Damn. Shanks is just owning it. Started the forest fires that have taken lives

and he killed comic book legendary creator, Stan Lee. Man, I raped a dude for these dunks, man. Wow. Well, I'm glad that you're back. No one better to get perspective on new comedians and people trying to break through in the scene here than a guy that killed people today. Fuck yeah.

I have a bucket filled with comedians' names. Maybe it's a comedian. Maybe it's somebody who has never done stand-up before. You never know on this goddamn show. It's crazy. In Swansea, Massachusetts on Friday, for example, we had six guys in flannels with beards. Every single person was in flannels and beards.

It was unbelievable. And so you never know what will happen. A bunch of names in the bucket. If I pull your name out, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Yes. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Hey.

Yes. There he is. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Here we go. This is it. It begins now. It begins now live on Kill Tony.

This is Esther Pivitsky's first ever Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen. I'm so excited. She's such a nice, innocent, good soul that I'm excited to see what we can get out of her here tonight. Backstage, you told me not to speak. Also backstage,

Jeremiah was being mean to me and I didn't know he was in character and I was like, fuck, what did I say or do to Jeremiah? I cut this dude a little bitch, you know what I'm saying? I don't think I am, sir. I was like, give me your lunch money. I was like, give me your lunch money. I pulled the name out of the bucket.

Here we go. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Austin Lansley. Here we go. Austin Lansley is coming to the stage. Here he comes. The show has begun. Make some noise one more time for Austin Lansley.

I saw a bumper sticker recently that said, if you can read this, think a teacher. If you're reading this in English, think a soldier. Didn't really make sense, because first off, the damn thing's printed in English. There's no other way to read it. And even if I did have the brainpower and capacity to translate that to another language, probably thank another teacher. So I'm currently on a bicycle tour. I know it's a little bit different than dick jokes, that's for sure. But I've pedaled over 2,000 miles to be with you folks on this amazing evening.

Thank you. Thank you. Rid my bicycle through some definite tourist spots, and I gotta tell you, real sick of rich old white people. That's for sure. Not just talking politically, because I think we're all there. Rid my bicycle through some not-so-tourist spots.

Stopped to take a piss the other day, and the homeless dude asleep in the porta-potty scared the Christ out of me. I just opened the door, and he just tails of the Cripsit. Fuck yeah. You want to finish that? Was I bored of that? I was just going to say, nice guy, let me use it. It's a nice guy, let you use it.

Let you use what? The porta-potty. Okay, anyway. It wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth it. All right. Shanks, you look like you want to say something already. Yeah, man. Maybe you need to stop bicycling and start writing.

We'll take it. We'll take it. Shanks, telling it like it is. Telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So, Austin, where did you bicycle from? The Inland Northwest, Sandpoint, Idaho. The Inland Northwest. And then you answered with the answer.

Well, yeah. You always do that? You always speak compass before giving a real answer? Inland Northwest, Idaho. Idaho. Now, how many miles is that again? I've Inland, Northwest, Idaho. Idaho. Now, how many miles is that again? I've pedaled over 2,000. Was this by choice or do you not have a car?

No, it was by choice. I mean, I've been checking out different comedy scenes on the whole West Coast. Yeah, where else did you go? Started in Bellingham and then hit up Seattle, Portland, San Francisco. All on a bicycle. All on a bicycle. All on a bicycle. You have a backpack? Paneers, they call them.

Saddlebags on the side. Do you ride on only sidewalks? No, definitely not. Man, in the joint, we would call you Meals on Wheels. Yeah, yeah. Hey, Tony. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to say, you're from Idaho.

In jail, I'd make you the hoe. Oh, well. Bitch. I was going to say, you're from Idaho. In jail, I'd make you the hoe. Bitch. Nine more of those and you're getting a prison tattoo, sir. So, Austin, let me ask you, how long have you been doing stand-up? Almost three years. Almost three years. And how long did your bicycle trip take?

I've been out, tomorrow it'll be two months. Two months. Wow, you've covered a long distance. Yeah, it's been fun. It seems like a lonely road out there. It is. It's tough getting jokes out and feeling confident about them, and then showing up to open mics and being like,

I've had no one to talk to. Sounds like a vicious cycle. Hey. There you go. Here we go. Here we go. You you go. Here we go. Here we go. You do crank? Here we go. Shanks is undressing you with his eyes just so you know what's going on while you're doing comedy.

Thanks. Austin, are you sort of like the hip guy up in Idaho? You the hipster? I'm seeing your hat. I'm hearing how much you bicycle. How many times did someone have to call you a faggot before you bicycled all the way down the coast? What type of bullying has happened to you in Idaho?

By the way, I've never used the word faggot in five years of doing this show, so you can all suck my fucking faggoty dicks, all right? All you groaning pussies out there. That's what I call my cellmate. Does it hurt? Because if I ride a bike for like 10 minutes, like my taint hurts, like it all hurts.

Are you in a lot of pain? Can you walk? No. Yeah, I can walk. After five days, it's all said and done, basically. So you're numb down there? No, I mean, like, I don't have any more hair on my balls. Have you come since being in Los Angeles?

I know we just met, but do you still get as hard as you used to get? Yeah. Man, when two dudes jerk you off at the same time, do you call them training wheels? Jeremiah Watkins is back. Wow. You answered a lot of questions there, Austin, but there's one question that I asked that you sort of just stared at me and waited for another question to come.

Have you come since being in Los Angeles? Like, yeah, from my, yeah, self. Not with another person. That is my favorite explanation of jerking off I've ever seen in my entire life. Well, yes, I've come, but by myself, with my own hand. It was me. It was me all along. Like, it's just like, yeah, dude, You could have said, yeah, I've come.

Otherwise, you'd have to buy a tandem. Bicycle jokes. For two people. Maybe, yo, you ever been bike pegged before? No. What's that? What does that mean? Yo, it's when

when yo, it's when a dude is on your left peg riding you from behind, and then the other dude is just making eye contact with you and like, I'm going to live with you forever. Wow. So, Austin, where'd you have this jerk- this jerk off session at the jerk off that you made? Where'd you do it at? Were you on your bicycle at the time? That one I have not done yet.

Yeah. Where were you? The place I was staying. Yeah. Where are you staying at? North Hollywood. Yeah. You stand on like somebody's couch or something like that and you jerked it on their couch. In the bathroom. In the bathroom. Are they here tonight? No.

You think they listen to this podcast? Probably not. Can we call them right now on speakerphone? I don't even... You want to call them? If you call them right now... I really don't even know the guy. Just like friend of a friend. Austin, can I tell you something? You just dug yourself into a deeper hole, huh? Now I think everybody wants to see you call this guy and admit that.

Hey. The cell phone is out, podcast listeners. Hey, I got a tip for you, man. Call Collect. They pay for it. Yeah, call them, put it on speaker, and put it right to the end. The dude's name is Dude in L.A. I don't even know the guy. Better yet.

He's named it as Dude in L.A. Are you paying him? No. It was just a friend of a friend. And you're jerking off in his bathroom? Well, I wasn't going to do it on the couch like you guys were saying. Hold it. Was it in the shower?

Hold it? You can hold it? You can just jerk it until you come and then hold it in? No, shut down the voice! Very impressive. You Jewish people have special things that us normal white people don't have. Yeah, we go to work and we don't jerk off all day like you boys do. You just pinch the tip, right?

You just pinch the tip. All right. Why is this random guy letting you stay with him? It was a friend of a friend. But that's not an answer I put up a post on social media And they were like, hey, does anybody want to help my friend out while he's in LA? And then they got back to me

Let me ask you a question Who likes a random stranger off Facebook in your home to jerk off in your bathroom? Crazy This is some jerk off music for you A little Three's Company Nothing against you I just mean it's a weird one. I can't.

That's the music that you play when someone jerks off in a stranger's place. The acoustics in the bathroom are much better. Come jerk off on my door. The beginning is so long for some reason of that. Okay. All right, Brian.

Okay. So, wow. All right. Well, you going to call him or are we pussing out on this shit? You don't want to? We just text him? Come on. He might be at work.

I'm not even quite sure. This is a real live show. Peer pressure's what got me into jail. Do it, fool. Just hit send real quick. Put it on speakerphone. Put the phone to the bottom of it. Do star 69 or whatever.

All right, turn up the volume. Don't do it. Tony said don't talk. Keep it there. Keep it there. Don't touch it. Don't move it. How does that work?

It'll work. It's going to pick up right now. It's going to pick up. Put it back. Put it back. If he doesn't pick up, leave a voicemail. Just say that you jerked off. Oh, he hung up.

All right. There he goes. Austin Lansley, everybody. Hanging up. He gave it a shot. Got a fundraiser. Sure. WorldBicycleRelief.com, something like that.

Yeah, raising money for World Bicycle Relief, an amazing nonprofit-profit organization yes we agree we want to relieve the world of bicycles as well we uh we're all gonna go there Austin Lansley everybody he's on twitter at jokes and spokes this guy literally is like the bicycle comedian

why don't you come up on a bicycle next time dude that's the fucking move just do circles and shit like am I right am I white people? Man, every time I don't bust a load inside somebody and I have to jerk off, I get a teardrop

tattoo on my dickhead. Because it's like the nut that got away. Alright, I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun? You get the show? Esther, how are you? I'm good. I'm scared.

I love it. Esther thinks these are real prisoners on stage with us. All right, let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Matt Bell, everybody. Matt Bell. Here he comes. From the middle of the audience. I always like that. Could be a person's

first time. Make the odds of that shoot up tremendously when they come from the middle of the room. Matt Bell, everybody. Matt Bell. Alright, alright. I recently broke up with my girlfriend. It's been a rough time. But I got great friends. They're a good support system.

Tell me things like, don't worry about it, man. You're too good for her. There's plenty of fish in the sea. It's like, yeah, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But they ain't got fucking titties. Where the fish titties at? Come on. Can you get my ex back, Goldie?

She was the only fish I knew that had titties. Am I the only one who's ever noticed that Channing Tatum's name sounds a little sexual? Channing Tatum. I'm using a sense of the way here. I was having sex with this girl for the first time, and I was in a way over my head. About halfway through, she puts me in a backbend scenario that I was not used to, and just started shrugging away. And before I knew it, I was just chanting Tatum everywhere.

Got Tatum on her, got Tatum on me. I've never chanted that hard in my life. Like, who the fuck names their kid that? Papa and Mama Tatum fucked up. Usually don't name your kid a verb. Is that it? Is that it? Is that it? Yeah, that's it.

All right. There he is, Matt Bell. Hell yeah. I see you. I see you. So glad you could take a break from bullying kids in the Ozarks to be here tonight. You are adorable, Matt Bell. You hate Channing Tatum is the vibe that I get.

You weren't the jock type in high school? I'm pretty lanky, not very coordinated. I went to a small school where they let everybody on varsity. So, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Athletic. Shanks, you're really looking this guy up and down.

Hell yeah, I am. This boy look good. Wow. Tony. Yeah, Joel. The other white meat. Privilege. Esther's kind of looking at him like shanks is. Well, how old is he?

How old are you, man? How old do you think I am? I don't know. Somewhere between 30 and 47. How old do you think you are? I think I'm 25. 25. Fuck yeah do you think you are? I think I'm 25. 25. Fuck yeah.

Where are you from? Esther's so into you right now. No, I'm not. Stop. Stop. Can I take it? Both of you haven't washed your clothes in the same amount of time

and she's like, it feels familiar to her and she's into it. Yeah, shanks. Yeah, I have a question for him. Is your safe word during sex Billabong Is it?

Is it, Matt? Is that your safe word during sex? Chandelier Oh, wow Okay, no Would you like a girl like Esther? Stop Where are you from?

Tampa Bay. Connecticut, but I live out in Thousand Oaks now. Well, sort of. What part of Connecticut? I hate Connecticut. Thousand Oaks is the Connecticut of LA. What part of Connecticut are you from? Fairfield County. Fairfield County.

If that's the county, what's the city? Easton. Really small. Easton. If you're affected by the fire, Esther's got an extra bedroom. Stop. I do not. She does.

She's got an extra bedroom. Stop. Stop. I mean, since we got on the subject, Matt, what would you do with Esther? If you guys were, let's say you guys were in a room locked together for eternity and the end of the world happened, what would you end up eventually, do you think, doing to Esther? Don't answer that.

Don't get graphic. Keep it cute or she'll walk out. I'd do nothing then. I'd be respectful. I don't know. Uh-oh. She's in the mood now. Look out. She's doing the wobble. Matt, what the fuck would you do to Esther Kavitsky? I asked you a goddamn

question. Why do these kids think that just waiting it off, I'm going to forget that I asked a great question? The fuck would you do to her? Stop! Describe it in detail, Matt. Don't! What's the first thing you would do? You'd unbutton the plaid shirt, right?

Talking about him. I'm talking about him. And then what? And then you take your ball cap off, right? You throw it across the room. Oh shit, you got the Apollo 13 fired up. Hi guys, there's the Apollo 13 over there.

What was that? Bacon soda! Whip it through the glass. What was that? Oh, there it is. Yeah, that's the right one. Oh, look at that. We have new Apollo 13 sound effects. Matt, what would you do to Esther Pivitsky? Oh, back on this.

I'm not getting an answer. Until I get an answer, I can't move forward. Just say Channing Tatum and stop. What would you do? I'd go all the way to Channing Tatum. Oh, my God. Matt Bell is so afraid of the Me Too movement that he can't even go with this improvisational setup.

I'm giving you a beach ball. I'm an easy target. You could literally just say, I'd kill her. The crowd would go crazy. It's bad. I'm from Connecticut. I'm white. I'm an easy target. You could literally just say, I'd kill her, and the crowd would go crazy. It's bad. I'm from Connecticut. I'm white. I'm an easy target. What the fuck would you do to her, Matt Bell? The fuck would you do?

Shanks. I got some ideas, man. Alright. So, Matt, how long have you lived in Thousand Oaks from Connecticut? We moved when I was 18, and then I went to school in Colorado, and now I'm back here now. Yeah. What'd you study in school in Colorado?

Biology. Biology, really? You do not look like a biology guy. Thank you. You look like perhaps something a biologist would study. You look like Owen Wilson with a nose job. You're like Owen Wilson if you didn't work on comedies You look like fucking Owen Filson

Yes Owen Filson I guess Boom Were you going to be a doctor? Usually biology majors are trying to be a doctor or something right? I don't like blood so I just work in pharmaceuticals I do engineering Oh you make math

We've come full circle. I've got it figured out now. Matt, what do you do for a living? I do engineering for a medicine manufacturer. Really? So what does that job entail? You wear a lab coat? Sometimes. I do process engineering, make sure everything's FDA

compliant. You ever jerk off in a stranger's bathroom? I have. Have we not all? Esther, you can't flirt with him and then shut him up. I didn't flirt with him. You just told him you jerked off in a bathroom and then you're like, I'm a lady.

That's not flirting and I'm not a lady. Yo, what is you then? Shanks doesn't know what gender you are. Do you want to explain your gender to Shanks? Okay, I'm half gerbil, half little girl. He'll have sex with half of that.

The gerbil. Shanks, what would you do with a half gerbil, half little girl? I mean, well, looking at Esther, I think she gets bullied a lot. So I would wait and use her as a decoy for other hot girls to come around. And then I would go out with the hot chicks. Yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Well, man, I've been in prison, dog.

I say what I feel. I'm not sugarcoating for no people around here. No, you can't go home, Esther. Esther's getting bullied up here, guys. She just admitted to being a gerbil. What am I supposed to do with that? Oh, yeah, no. I want true love with that girl.

She a gerbil, man. Nah. Oh, you playing on her side. Oh, I feel bad for the gerbil now instead of the inmate that's been in for nine years. That's okay. Do gerbils have pussies? Okay, okay, okay. Guys, Jesus Christ.

It's been a long time, Tony. My God. I'm doing 30 to life. Does that prison only serve low-hanging fruit for... Maybe. All right. You're on the menu? That's crazy, dog.

Damn. Matt, what's something that we would be surprised to find out about you? It seems like you have it all together. You're an engineer that wears a lab coat sometimes. Doesn't that already surprise you enough? No. No, go ahead. Don't.

That's to answer the fucking question, Matt. You have a real problem with answering questions. Something that surprises people. Yeah. You answer questions like Brendan Dassey on WrestleMania Day. Just fucking. That was a lot funnier than you guys gave it credit for. If you guys need caught up, that's from the hit show Making a Murder.

Brendan Dassey at the time was deeply questioned by detectives without his parents knowing. And he's basically completely fucking retarded. And these two detectives basically pressured him into answering, all right, forget it. Something we'd be surprised to know about you. Like you have the Guinness record for having a slinky go down stairways. Anything like that?

I have four Asian siblings. Really? That's where I share people. You'd lead with that. I don't know how it's legal, but somehow my parents got four of them. Wow. Adopted them. So it's you and four Asian brothers and sisters.

And an older redheaded sister. Whoa. It looks weird as fuck. So who gets bullied the most in that family? She does. Wow. The redhead, sorry. She watches this, so fuck you, Laura.

Wow. See? Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. She watches this, so fuck you, Laura. Wow, see? Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. That's what you could have done. He just figured it out. He figured it out right at the end, how it works.

Austin Lansley, everybody. Oh, no, that's not Austin. I'm sorry. Matt Bell, Matt Bell. He's on Instagram at Matt Bell, Matt Bell. All one word. Having fun. He's on Instagram at Matt Bell, Matt Bell. All one word. Having fun. Everything's good.

Matt Bell, surprising, you know. This guy's got a real job. He's a fucking medical engineer. Scared of blood. You could tell he was really nervous being on stage. Shanks, you scared of blood? Ha ha, hell no. you scared of blood?

Ha ha. Hell no. Oh, well, this should be interesting. I love one word names. This is a one word name. Make some noise for Clarissa. Here we go.

Clarissa. From the back corner, I think. Yep. All the way from the back. Clarissa. Here we go. Here she comes.

One more time for Clarissa, everybody. Hey. I know you're probably wondering what the fuck is going on here. Is it Grace Jones or Kevin Durant? Yeah. Can't be both. I can't be both. In 2018, I'm no longer Clarissa.

I'm androgynous. That's my 2018 label. You guys, I'm not getting pussy or penis. It's not happening for me. Haven't used my vagina in several years. I had three kids and it was over with. Over. I got two black ones and a white one if anyone's in the market.

Seriously, I will sell you the mixed one because I sleep with one eye open. She's always trying to figure out ways to make us whiter. I'm like, bitch, if you don't get away from me with that bleach, we're not falling for that shit this week. It's fucking hard. Get some Plan B.

You know? If the guy's not willing to go half on the Plan B with you, bitch, it's 22-43. Don't suck the dick. Run. Run. Don't. Why would anybody, why would she suck the dick? Why would she suck the dick for

plan b i don't know plan b is for vaginal sex yeah i thought about that on the way over here and still said it so it would be still i think it yeah i think it would be uh if he won't split the plan b i mean maybe it starts with the dick sucking and then you get to the vaginal. So I'm just like, don't even go there. Now I have a boner all of a sudden. So let's talk about it. Clarissa, that's your name? You're Clarissa?

Clarissa, yeah. Is that really like your real, real name? That's my real, real name. That would explain it all. Yeah. Yeah, it would say. Yeah, it was him. So, Clarissa, you said you have three kids, right?

One of them's white. Yeah. First two, black. The youngest one's white. Yeah. Are you still with the white dad? Yeah, we're in a partnership right now. A partnership.

I'm in a lot of partnerships with people too what does a partnership mean exactly uh it's easier than putting a title on something i guess so it's it just works yeah if i don't ask for anything it makes sense you know about this the partnership yeah i think doug stanhope does the same thing where you're like married and if you want to go your separate way you go your separate way the government's not involved why even get involved you know you also have no expectations whatsoever yeah so there you go I guess that's the normal way to do stuff yeah yeah because someone can't be your partner and your thing and you're this it's like you ask someone to be 10 people what yeah it's like we all try to find some people you just want to have sex with some people you trust to be the partner to raise your children some people you just like hanging out with and we all try to find what are you saying some people you just want to have sex with some people you trust to be the partner to raise your children some people you just like hanging out with and we we try to make one person are you trying to start a cult right now no i'm just saying there's a practical aspect to it i understand marriage should be an app you know like you could just delete it if you want to that's how easy i want it to be How old are your kids?

They're 6, 10, and 11 6, 10, and 11 What's the white baby daddy do? He does eBay He's a full-time eBayer Wow, he like buys and resells on eBay Exactly Oh, that's cool

What's he selling? What does the black baby daddy do? I have no idea We don't know him cool. What's he selling? What does the black baby daddy do? I have no idea. We don't know him. Apollo 13, what do you think about that? Apollo 13 just went hands palms up like that. I'm a big ass sora.

Wow. What's it like having white kids and black kids? Have you noticed anything? Does that ever come up? Different rate? Has it come up yet? 6, 10, and 11 or whatever?

There's racial tensions in the household just as much as outside of the household. Yeah? Does that mean that the white kid tries to break it up when the black kids start fighting? Is that what you mean by that? Usually it's the white kid that's initiating it all. It's one of these fucking crowds tonight, huh? Really? The fucking let's hold to see

if anybody else is going to laugh first? Fuck. Texas tomorrow. Fuck this shit. These pussy ass LA crowds. We get one of you guys every five or six weeks just fucking daydreamy ass bullshit.

I never get to make a joke about there being three kids in a household. Two black, one white. I was thinking Oreo because of the two blacks and the white. There you go. See, they didn't break it that either. By the way, you know what that tells me? There is a lot of racists

in the audience tonight. Because it's always the racists that don't laugh at the racial jokes. Like, I don't get it. I don't like Oreos or any of that shit. You know? So, Clarissa, when you say there are racial tensions, like, have you noticed anything, or does it come up? You guys ever have

to have talks or anything like that? Like, usually kids, you know, they have, like, a back and forth, but, like, my white baby, she'll be like, that's why you black. Like, that's an insult. And I'm like, oh. Oh. Yo. Ouch. Yo. Ouch.

Yeah. Where do you think she got that from, though? I don't know. It could just be hereditary. Not trying to. Yeah. That's not how it works. Yo, yo, yo, kids looking to join a gang?

Jesus. Wow. So does the white dad, he's at home most of the time because he sells eBay stuff, right? Yeah. And how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? It's been about two or three years. Oh, very cool. All of it here in L.A.?

Texas. I've been in Dallas. I just decided to come here. How long have you lived here? I was born and raised here, and I moved to Texas, and now I'm back. What made you move to Texas originally? I got a basketball scholarship. Get the fuck out of here.

Really? Yeah. Wow, that's so cool. When's the last time you played basketball? Dang, I can't even remember. Oh, I played at the local college. They had a new team startup, and I went to see if I could hang, and I never went back after the first day.

I heard a rumor that all good women basketball players are lesbians. Is that true? Yeah, maybe they started as lesbian, and then you find some good dick, and then it's over. Is that what happened with you? That's exactly. I went to college. Ah.

That's what happens. One day you're playing women's basketball, you walk into the wrong sex's locker room, and the rest is history. That's exactly what happened to my life. Man. So, alright. Are they all boys?

Two girls and a boy. My oldest is a boy. The oldest is the boy. He sort of looks after everyone? Is he a protective older brother? He girls and a boy. My oldest is a boy. The oldest is the boy. Yeah. He sort of looks after everyone? Is he a protective older brother? He looks out for himself. Hell yeah. In Fortnite. I was just gonna fucking, I was literally about to throw out a Fortnite reference. Can you do the dance?

Can you do the hand thing? Which one? Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Whoa, what the fuck is that? Do that shit. My kids taught me all this shit, plus I'm black, so it's just... Well, you know what? From now on, it's going to be the Apollo 14. Clarissa, any other fun facts about you that we would be surprised to know or anything like that?

No, not that I would want to share for everyone to know. Damn, now I'm really excited. Now I really want to know. No, I can't think of anything. Anything crazy ever happen in all of your lesbian hookups? Like anything weird? You ever like try scissoring and you both end up falling off opposite sides of the bed or something like that? I did break a strap on once.

You broke a strap on? Holy shit. What part of the strap-on did you break? The whole penis part of it. Wow. You broke the penis part off? That's impressive. That's the problem with women and strap-ons.

They have no nerve endings in the strap-on, and they just go to town. Yeah, they don't have a good idea how to use it. There's no nerve endings. They don't know what they're doing. This is break your strap-on music. It's literally a button. Breaking a strap on music. Did you like the taste of pussy?

Jesus! Such a weird way to ask. Such a red band. Hey, bro. Yo, that's traveling on the court, dog. Traveling. Crazy ass fucking questions. Over the line.

Over the line. Naughty red band. Did you like the taste of the pussy? What does your husband sell on eBay? That's what I want to know. All right, electronics. It's like a case-by-case basis, but that's why I stopped, because you can't take the risk anymore.

I'm pretty sure Shanks used to sell some electronics that he would pick up here and there as well. Isn't that right, Shanks? Yeah, use dildos. Dildos. Gently use. Electric dildos. Your good old plug it into the wall and watch it.

Dildo. Okay, I hate to go back to the vagina eating thing, but did you just say that you left vagina because of the uncertainty of smell? No, not the uncertainty of. Go ahead. Be honest. By the way,

honesty always works here. It's the same thing. Just like you don't want to like keep fucking guys and it's bad dick. And so this is the same thing with females. You just don't want to F everybody. Let somebody else take the risk. That's all I'm saying. Don't be a hoe.

So you're trying to be asexual now? Yeah, I'm just, yeah. Okay. I'm just taking a back seat. Have you ever jerked off in a stranger's bathroom? In a stranger's? No. No, at work I have before that.

Oh, yes. I know a little something about the workin' get that one oh yeah yeah the working jerk's a big one I'm actually pro working jerk way back when my first job I worked at a grocery store in Youngstown Ohio the giant eagle there on Churchill Hubbard Road and I'll be honest with you my back then I I mean, for as feminine as I am, I had a lot of testosterone bumping through my veins. And my balls would just sometimes need a goddamn, you know, I'm a little Italian boy back then, 16 years old. You know, every once in a while I'd need a release. I'd be bagging groceries, bagging groceries. And goddammit, I'm a man too, believe it or not.

And sometimes I'd go into one of those stalls and jerk off. He's 100% jerked off in this building too. It has nothing to do with the fact that he was 16. Right, right, it's true. Also, when I worked phones here at the ages of 22 and 23, there's an office right up there. Yes, Red Band's definitely jerked off in this building. That's disgusting, guys.

Why would you ever do that? No, I did it all the time. Final question, Clarissa. When you were working and you did the work and jerk, where were you working at the time? It was the conference room that no one was using. Damn. You went fucking squeaker bone over the speaker phone?

Look at you. I was on fries once at McDonald's. It was awkward as hell. All right. Clarissa, you did it. Thank you so much. There she goes. Clarissa, everybody.

She's on Twitter at... She's on Twitter. It's tallblackgirl, everybody. All one word. Tallblackgirl. That's her. Let's keep it moving along. Let's start flying through these things.

Hell yeah. You guys having fun out there? How many of you like it when a... How many of you guys like seeing comedians do good up here? it when a... How many of you guys like seeing comedians do good up here? How many of you like it when comedians fail in their

60 seconds? It's about 50-50 here tonight. You should have heard Boston. They wanted to see blood. Pulled another name out of the bucket. I believe we've seen this young man once before. Make some noise for Streeter Kelly. Streeter Kelly. Here he comes. Streeter Kelly.

I don't know how to deal with girls hitting on me anymore. And I see it coming every time. Oh, I was at a club recently and I saw this girl coming out of the corner of my eye. And I'm like, oh great. I know it's coming. She came over and she's like, hi, I'm Jessica. I'm like, hi, I'm gay. And it was loud in the club so she was like, what? and it was loud in the club so she was like what i'm gay and she gave me this look like as some douchey straight guy trying to swatter away girl couldn't take gay for an answer i can get all the puss I want.

But I don't like the taste of puss. There you go. Streeter Kelly. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. You've been on the show before, right? I think so. All right.

Well, welcome back. I can't remember whether you've been on the show before or you just remind me of Jim Carrey with leukemia or something like that. But I think you've been on this show before. I think I recognize the name. You were out of breath your entire set. Did you come from this room?

Or you're breathing like you just bicycled here from Idaho. I was so excited because I haven't gotten up in like eight months. I felt like I was watching The Oxygen Mask. That's a good Jim Carrey reference. Fuck yeah. Part of his shtick. That's what I thought herey reference. Fuck yeah. Part of his shtick. That's what I thought he was doing. It was like a shtick.

It's like a little Jim Carrey thing, right? I thought of like Neil Hamburger because he does like esophageal stuff. So I thought with him he was like... Yeah, that's what I thought. It's like Neil's vegetarian burger. Veggie burger? All right. Too late to fix that one.

Streeter, that was interesting. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? A little more than a year. How long have you been a mad scientist assistant? Does my hair look bad? Yeah. No, come on, Streeter.

It's cool, I love alfalfa. Don't be a creep. on, Streeter It was cool, I love alfalfa Don't be a creep Okay, Streeter No one gives a shit about your hair, dude God, that was the most LA bitchy bullshit I've seen on this show in a while Is my hair bad? Let me pull out my selfie stick And find out

Jesus, Streeter, are you from LA? No Where are you from? Kind of all over, but I grew up in upstate New York. You grew up in upstate New York. Again, another one of my fucking most hated places on the map. Connecticut and upstate New York. I've always sworn by that.

They're all in Oxycontin. Yeah. Yeah. Are you? No. No. No. I don't think so.

Anybody ever told you you look like a Pokemon trainer? I like that. Streeter, what do you do for a living? Now, I have saved up a bunch. So now I just like, I wake up at 6.30 and day trade. You wake up at 6.30 and what? Day trade. Day trade?

Yeah. Wow. You good at that? Okay. I get enough to get by. Man. You saved up a bunch of money. What do you do?

Well, I used to be a- You switched to Geico. Oh. Yeah, you used to be a? TV news producer in New York. Really? How old are you? You seem not old enough to have all these lives.

What do you think? Why does everyone ask that? How old do you think? You guys asked last time, but I think you guys got a guess. You look like Connecticut Jeff Buckley. What the fuck are you? Streeter, you are a weird motherfucker. Is my hair not correct?

How old do you think I am? Price is right rules So guess below And you're really gay And girls hit on you And you have to tell them Yeah it's so annoying Oh you really are gay

Yeah Oh well that's not fun at all In that case Now it totally makes sense Alright cool Alright that's better Right exactly So much better I never did it for a living I just always did it It's always funny When we're like Oh, in that case, now it totally makes sense. All right, cool. All right, that's better. Right, exactly. So much better.

I never did it for a living. I just always did it. It's always funny when we're like, dude, you're gay. And they're like, I actually am gay. It's like, oh, okay, well, in that case, let's talk about other things. You had a whole joke about being gay. I don't really listen to their material. The audience just don't believe that.

It's one of the secrets of the success of the show that people don't really understand. It's like, we'll always catch up with what the jokes are about. I have to think about other shit. The audience has never believed me that I'm gay. I have to prove it to them. Well, because you're poorly dressed. Yeah, yeah. Whoa!

That's the biggest pop of the night from this crowd. I didn't realize I was performing in front of the Fashion Police Academy. Holy shit. You know what? I just saw through it. I think he's doing normcore, which is like a whole fashion thing. Are you normcore?

Is that your gay vibe? You gay normcore? I don't know what that is. What if you took the jacket off? Would you mind taking the jacket off for us? Can we see what's underneath it? Sure. Go ahead.

Do you guys want to see him take his jacket off? Can you give me the spotlight? Whoa, he's asking for the spotlight. Wow. He's waited his whole life for this moment. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. Yo, keep going. Streeter, I don't know.

It seems like this crowd, I think this crowd might want you to take off your shirt. Welcome to another episode of Gay Tony. Yo. Yo. Whoa. Wow. Look at this. How many of you want Streeter to take off his pants?

The crowd is in complete chaos right now for you podcast listeners. Chase is unbuttoning his pants. The room is on fire. All right, all right, all right. Wow, this is perhaps the gayest audience we've ever had in this room. Just a bunch of dudes with deep voices like, Boo! Boo! At least let me see those goddamn underwear.

Shanks. One thing's for sure, I'm about to kill a gerbil right now. Oh, man. Shanks is angry at the old cock-blocking gerbil. That's the best nickname for Esther, the cock-blocking gerbil. Wow, Streeter, you seem so comfortable right now. You seem much more comfortable than you did before.

You're a natural. This is like if Bert Kreischer was healthy or something like that. This is incredible to see. You have so much swagger. I feel like you should never perform with a shirt on again. Really? But then I'd be stealing Bert's thing. You are definitely not.

Oh, okay. I'm not too thin. It's not disgusting. No, it seems fine. Only you can't be self-conscious, Streeter. You know this. The secret is confident. I mean, I enjoy this. Ask the audience.

Are you guys into the way he looks, girls and gay guys? Look, should we perhaps strip Streeter down to his boxers and have him do one joke in his underwear? Does that sound fair? One joke? No. One joke. one joke in his underwear. Does that sound fair? One joke? No. One joke. One joke. One joke.

You're starting a thunder from down under. It seems like the audience is split on this one. Streeter, if you want to, if you want to, then fucking do it. If you want to do a joke, if you want, you can go to the back and I'll bring you up again. All right. Here's some magic happening. I don't know what's going on, but you know what? When you do a show, as long as we've done a show,

sometimes you have to do new things and keep it refillable. And we're about to see a guy for the first time in the five and a half years of this show, 306 or seven episodes, the first time a man's ever done a joke in his underwear. 106 or 7 episodes. The first time a man's ever done a joke in his underwear. With that said, I present Shanks. By the way, this has been Tony's plan all along. This is 300 episodes in the making right here.

Make some noise for the first time ever. A joke in his underwear. The great and powerful Streeter Kelly. I did it. Do a joke, Streeter. Do a joke. I've had a rim job. Oh, no. No. I prefer the pronoun it.

It's just more demeaning. Wow. Streeter Kelly, the first ever underwear-only comedian. Fuck yeah, this is very impressive. It doesn't seem like the underwear I would picture for a gay man. It seems like an out-of-work lawyer in a midlife crisis or something like that. Very wrinkly business underwear. He's got the underwear with the button on the front.

Who uses that button? I actually had to button it up back there. It was unbuttoned. Wow. Man, you unprofessional, you. Man, just leaving the boxers unbuttoned. Wow, man, you unprofessional you. Man, just leaving the boxers unbuttoned. This is, that might be the saddest pair of boxers I've ever seen. This whole thing's taking a turn.

Would you have rather him had sexier boxers? Well, I mean, you know, I'm just making fun of his underwear, Brian. What should I wear? This dude looks like a mannequin at Bed Bath & Beyond. He does. This show is literally off its tracks right now. Streeter, it was fun to have you on. You literally have a giant set of balls for doing what you did here tonight.

And so much fun, dude. You're fucking killing it. I love it. Keep your fucking confidence. And if I were you, I would think about being the new underwear comedian. I think the people were very responsive. They laughed at everything you said. You said, I got a rim job.

Whoops. And they went crazy. I mean, I don't know. I might try it out more often. Yeah. Shanks? Yeah, this dude's body looked like the board game Operation.

There he goes. Streeter Kelly, everybody. He's on Instagram at Easy Streets. E-A-S-Y-S-T-R-E-A-T-Z. I want to know what version of Operation you have because that's a big fat guy on Operation. The reference killed this room. It was like one of those things where I don't think anybody was like,

let me Google this shit. The gayest science in the roads. I'm going to Google image this shit. They'll go along with anything except racial jokes. That's what I've learned about this crowd. I get it. There's some fucking cross burners out there tonight. Some people visiting from the fucking fires up north.

You know what I'm saying? We don't fuck around. All right. Another name is out of the bucket of destiny and destiny will reign upon Darren Hone. Darren Hone, ladies and gentlemen. Here he comes. Uh oh. This looks like a Swansea, Massachusetts special coming up here right now. Here he comes. Here we go. Make some noise one more time for Darren Hone. Hey, guys. I got a breeze right through this set.

The tip of my penis touched the porcelain on the inside of the toilet bowl, and now I'm blind in my left eye. So I need medical attention really fast. Guys, I'm a millennial, like offensively so. Like I'm so millennial that I cook my avocado toast with the Tide Pods already on them. And like we get a lot of flack from older generations. Like a lot of people are telling us that we're like entitled. We don't deserve what we have.

But it's like you look at the parenting, you know. It's like what were the punishments we got threatened with? There was, I will spank your butt so hard, which is like, totally backfired. Because now we're all into butt stuff, you know? Like, we took it from a fear and turned it into a strength. We're like the Batman of butt stuff.

And then there's, there's, of course, if you don't quiet down, I will collapse the housing market in 2008. So thanks. Hell yeah, Darren Hone. Hell yeah. Did your dick really touch the inside of the toilet?

Yeah, it happened a couple days ago, though. I'm going blind in my left eye because of that. Are you serious? I talked to the doctor. No. No. Jesus Christ. It's a joke.

Quite a jokester, you. Have you ever had your dick, like, when you're taking a shit and it goes in the shit water? Jesus Christ. Brian. Yeah. Yes. Brian. How do you?

He knows. It happens. Yeah. How are three of the seven words in that sentence dick and shit? How do you do that? I don't even know how you do. I don't know how you be that dirty. Can I tell you?

You get your dick in the shit water and shit shit's water. Water, shit, shit, dick, dick. Yeah. Like what? It happens. Oh, my God. Morning boner and shitting. It sucks.

I can't imagine how much you have to shit for that water to hit your dick. No, it's the water. Just overflowing to the brimlet. Not that much. Pretty close. All right. I want to talk to this young detective in training up here, Darren Hone. Welcome to the show.

You kept saying that of all the people that have been up here tonight, you keep saying that you're the millennial. How old are you? 25. He looks just like the other guy that was up here. Oh, shit. The white guy in flannel. I don't know. I'd have to

see you in your boxers to confirm this. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Jesus Christ. I put my junk in my t-shirt and then I make like a canopy and then it doesn't fall inside the toilet. You ever think of that? You really do that?

Often, yes. Wow. If it's not pointed down, don't you just start peeing? No, I'm not peeing. If I'm sitting on a toilet, I will then, yes, canopy my junk into my t-shirt and then it can't pee. Do you, when you get up from the toilet, are there spots of piss on your shirt? Yeah, because it has to be pointed down so it stops or goes.

Okie dokie. Darren, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Like two and a half years. Two and a half years. Where at? Denver, mostly. What are you doing in LA? I just moved out here.

How long ago? Five months ago. Five months. Where you live in? What part of town you in? Like Alhambra. Alhambra. Oh yeah. How far is that drive? From here it's like 45 minutes. Why did you choose, what made you choose Alhambra?

It's a beautiful place. It's super, and I found it on Trulia. There's good Indian food there. A lot of good Asian food. There is, yeah, and good Asian food, yeah. Yeah. Cheaper. So how cheap is it? I am just curious, like, how much cheaper it could be.

You can't ask someone that. That's personal. It's so funny that you say that, actually, because I've only asked that question one other time ever in the history of this show, and the person refused to tell me. In fact, not only did the person refuse to tell me, but in her set, she talked about...

Fuck, what was it? It was something crazy. Like, she, like... Yeah, yeah, she sucked dick for money. And I go, that was like her whole thing. And I go, did you really suck dick for money? And she goes, yeah. And then five minutes later

in the interview, I go, how much is your rent? She's like, I'm not going to talk about that. So, you know, it was funny because I literally, after I go, how much is your rent? I'm like, here we go. I'm shooting the second ever shot, and Benji's like, you can't ask a human that.

Can we guess? I'm sorry, I take it back. It's not my show. Can we guess? I want to guess. Yeah, Joel, go ahead and guess. I want to say $600 a month. This is a one bedroom.

It's a one bedroom? No, I have roommates. How many roommates do you have? And let me already tell you, you fucked up because you could have just had roommates here. But now I want to know how many roommates you have. So there's two upstairs and then there's me and four other people in the basement. Oh, shit. Here we go.

Here we go. This is why I ask these questions, by the way. We're about to save this fucking guy's life right now. Can we all guess and then see the real? No, I mean, I'm going to tell you the way. We're about to save this fucking guy's life right now. Can we all guess and then see the real? No, I mean, I'm going to tell you the truth. If I was going to do that, if I was going to struggle that hard, and I've been in these situations,

by the way. I fucking came up from the nothing burgers. Benji used to let me crash in empty houses that his family owned. He would let me blow up air mattresses and just sleep in houses that his family owned. Extra house. He would let me blow up air mattresses and just sleep in houses that were about to be for sale but weren't for sale yet.

Like, I would get to literally sleep. And I was, by the way, I was the happiest person in L.A. on those nights with an air mattress and a fucking big empty house. Like, I was pissed, pissed, poor, broke. No, it was like fancy neighborhoods and everything. It was amazing. And so I get it.

I understand the struggle. And that's why I'm going to say Alhambra, four roommates or four including you on the basement? Four. It's me and then four other people. So five in the basement. So five in the basement, two upstairs. I would say I would not pay. In Alhambra, there's no way I

would pay more than $250 a month. Your guess. It's on to you guys. I would say $500 a month. $500. I say $600. Joel's sticking with $600. Esther? I'm so confused.

I think he's weird. $700. Okay, that's a good guess. He is weird. Are the other four in the basement alive? Whoa! That was, for you podcast listeners, that was indeed Chroma Chris. Holy shit. Holy shit.

The first words spoken tonight. Wow. 700. Are they alive? As far as I know, yeah. They are alive. Esther said 700. You want to guess another number?

You said yes? Yes. They're alive. They are alive? As far to guess another number? You said yes? Yes. They're alive. They are alive? Yeah. As far as I know, yeah. 850. 850.

Wow. I like how Chroma Chris was calling this dude creepy, where this guy is just Chroma Chris with a mustache. Yeah. And Chroma Chris has a mustache tonight. I couldn't grow mine, so I had it prison tattooed on. So you could grow one. Who cares?

Chroma Chris has basically the two best lines of the night tonight. And they are his only two lines tonight. Fucking unbelievable. Batting 1,000 in a goddamn anomaly. That's my boy, Chroma Chris. Shanks, you want to take a guess at this number? The Alhambra, you got a total of seven people living in the house. Everybody else is guests.

I'm good. All right. Like 450. Like 450. 450, good guess. All right, here we go. What is your monthly rent? $650 plus utilities.

Whoa, no way. Listen to plus utilities. Whoa. No way. Listen to that audience. It's basically, let's kill him. The whole place is in chaos. Damn. My grill just popped out, dog. Shanks' grill just fell out of his mouth. He's shocked.

Nobody can believe that this guy's paying $6.50 a month in Alhambra. That is a rip-off. That is a rip-off. That's crazy. What happened? How did that happen? But he's new here. This is what it's like when people move here. No, that's what it is. I know. That's what I was saying. People don't know. It's easy to get taken advantage of. You could be paying.

Look, I'm not kidding. And guys, don't lie. If I'm wrong about this, then don't clap just to clap. But how many of you comedians are paying less than that a month currently to survive here in Los Angeles? Clap your hands. Wow, there's actually

Wait, you're paying less than that? Aaron McCann, I see you. Why did you not clap at that? They didn't understand the question. You live with 36 people in a fucking thing. There's people that just lied, by the way, to make me look bad. People just like, I'm not going to clap. See what happens. It's the area you live in also.

Have you noticed every restaurant's a C? The food rating's a C on the front? That's real. A lot of B's and C's. Yeah, that stands for like, come in here. It's good, man. How many of you, how many comedians out there would have Darren Hone? That's your name, right? Yeah.

How many of you would let Darren Hone sleep on your couch for less than $650? There's a lot. You see that? There's a lot of people there. They all live here in society. You're in fucking Alhambra, dude. Save yourself. Like, what do you do during the day to keep yourself not from

jumping into the noose? I just sleep. You sleep. Yeah, that's depression. Yeah. That's what it is. That's a good old case of the Alhambra fucking wins right there. That's what it is. Pure chemical depression. Massage

parlors are cheaper there, though. You can go out there and have... So that your shitty dick can... Your shit-covered dick can get jerked off. 20 bucks out there, at least. 20 bucks for a shit-dick rub-out. Anyway. Toilet water.

The old... The old... the old, the old, the old. Esther, you take it from here. She'll take rub out. Let's go. Get me out of this. I'm staying quiet. All right.

Well, Darren. He could, you could literally have a studio apartment with one other person for the same price you're paying right now. That's what's crazy. Yeah. You could have a studio apartment. I'm not kidding and I'm not exaggerating. You can have a studio apartment

in West Hollywood. No. Yes. You can't get a studio apartment, guys. It's not 2007 anymore. Yes, you can. $1,200. Audience, can you get a studio apartment

in West Hollywood for $1,300? Oh, he does right there. $1,500. $1,300. Audience, can you get a studio apartment in West Hollywood for $1,300? No. Oh, he does right there. By $1,300, I've got a studio, all the utilities included, and my cable. How long have you been there? Oh. Man, that dude sounds like he's going to have Streeter Kelly's boxers on his head by the end of the night. They have different rights in West Hollywood.

It's different. They get subsidized. Yeah, he's got rent control. You see? I told you. He said he's been there one year. He can't get rent control. He's fresh out of fucking the Midwest from some random place.

He's been there one year. This dude here just said that he will let him sleep in his bed with him for free. Wow. That's how you make it in showbiz, baby. Wait, Chroma Chris, ladies and gentlemen. I was just going to say, that dude is beyond scaring straight, man. Wow. All right, Darren.

Well, I mean, you can save yourself. What did we learn here tonight? That you're paying too much. There's no point in paying that much money. Benji doesn't really have his finger on the pulse because he's super, super successful. No, I think you can get out of there. I just don't think you can get West Hollywood, but you can do way better than the number for the money. You can do it with the right amount of roommates.

Listen, one bathroom in that place? Yeah. Yeah, you have one bathroom. Oh, my God. Listen, one bathroom in that place? Yeah. Oh my god. Oh my god. Yeah, Benji. By the way, for those of you who... Stop. No, you fucking stop. Shut up.

For those of you listening to the podcast, Benji just verbally went, oh my god when he found out there was one bathroom. How many bathrooms did you think there was? This whole time. Benji's used to seven. I'm imagining ten dudes in Alhambra sharing a shitter,

and I'm just like, that sounds like the worst thing in the world. Can we just ask, how did this happen? Like, who tricked you? It's part of it. People move here, and they don't know anything, and they end up in Alhambra. Five dudes? Like, tell me.

Because it's part of L.A LA County, it's sort of confusing. On a map, it doesn't seem that far, right? It's like, hey, West Hollywood's that far from downtown, and that's that far from downtown, so it's sort of like the other side of downtown, right? It's confusing. It's not that bad, though. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it is, my friend. It fucking is. You might not know it, because you haven't lived the fucking good life over here. You know what I'm saying? You know what? If I had to go to Alhambra for a week, I'd end up in one of those fucking orange jumpsuits because I'd fucking. I used to just go to the soup plantation in Costco there, and I had enough, dude. You need to get out.

All right. Benji, did you like that? That was a very local L.A. joke. I loved it. We get what Alhambra is. You should get out of here. Yeah, being Benji got it, idiot. You're not having the L.A. experience.

He likes it. Look at him. He won't say anything. He likes it. It's kind of fine, mostly. It's because it reminds you of the shithole you left. Yeah, exactly.

No, it's true. Idiot. Benji's right. Benji's right. Benji's right. Is Alhambra with seven other people better than fucking Colorado? You're damn fucking right it is. Not that it's a sh- Now I feel bad for Alhambra.

It's got a lot going for it. Really? I felt bad for Colorado after I said that. I didn't really feel it for Alhambra. No, I like Colorado too. Also, I've never heard it called Alhambra. Oh, yeah? What do you call it?

You came here on a migrant caravan. Why don't you explain to us? Honestly, you know what? We had brown-tinted windows, and I don't like you making jokes about that. I've actually been to the Alhambra Palace in Spain. It's magnificent. Anyone else?

Well, you can't say spades anymore, Benji. But it's not in Alhambra, California. I think Alhambra here was probably named after the one in Spain would be my guess. Most likely. Yeah. Alright, well. Darren, what's your least favorite race of people?

The Apollo 13 is waiting in the wings. And by wings, I mean chicken wings. They are waiting in the... I'm sorry about that, guys. Okay, go ahead and answer the question. I really don't like Formula One. Those are shitty races. They're stupid. Oh, you son of a bitch.

You answered the question. We're going to let him out. There he stupid. Oh, you son of a bitch. You answered the question. We're going to let him out. There he goes. Darren Hone, everybody. Darren Hone. He's on Twitter at Darren Sucks. All one word. Darren Sucks.

I don't know why he would do that. He touched me on his way out, if you're wondering. He touched my back. He touched all you guys? Yeah. He touched all of us. Yeah. We were touched by...

An angel. It was... Alejandro Angel. It's not an angel. Yeah, it was. All right. We have a regular on this show. We have an amazing comedian who writes and performs a brand new minute every single week.

He has a goddamn career and shit like that. It's unbelievable. Make some noise for the great Malcolm Hatchet, everybody. What's up? I like sharks. Because they control the ocean. If you get in the ocean smelling like blood, you will be 80. Because sharks be the ocean. If you get in the ocean smelling like blood, you will be 80. Because sharks be crippling.

The Grinch been mad his whole life. Grinch been stealing Christmas since the 60s and he still got an attitude. Grinch, you need to stop stealing Christmases and chase your dream. Give that shit up. What the fuck is The Rock cooking? I've been trying to smell that shit my whole life. Ain't smelled a damn thing yet. I like people who dress up in American flag colors. I was at 7-Eleven, I seen a dude, he was American flagged out. I looked at him hard enough, I started saying, Pledge Allegiance.

Man. Wow. I fucking love that one. So much fun. Welcome back, the great and powerful Malcolm Hatchett. Once again, the toughest position that you've seen anyone perform tonight because he does this shit every single week. How's life going?

Chilling. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What'd you do this week? I loved what you talked about, by the way. I mean, everything you talked about is true and hilarious. If you get into the ocean with a shark, you will get ate. And I agree completely, 100%.

You ever go into the ocean? A few times. Not really. Yeah? Because I don't like how the sand hit up in my butthole. Yeah. I don't like that either. Sandy assholes sucks. I've never been

an ocean guy myself. I like living near it, but I don't like how you don't know what's underneath your feet. Yeah, that was funny. Yeah, that part creeps me out. That is true. It's the ocean.

Yeah, what about it? It's the ocean. I like going about it? It's the ocean. I like going there, not getting in the water, though. I wear shoes in the ocean because I don't want to step on gross stuff. You also look like you wear your t-shirt in the ocean, too. Yeah. I do, too. You would, too, if you had these areolas.

I wear a t-shirt too. Yeah. I feel like we're starting to see a little bit of perhaps a reverb effect of some of your successes. Your look is

evolving a little bit week after week. Every week you're starting to look more and more like lebron when he's arriving to the arena like you have like headphones on you have a turtleneck that's why i wear headphones like all the time because i wanted to play professional ball and i see how they come that's why i do that oh i love that yeah hell yeah so you don't need the headphones no i love music i like listen a lot of music but i bring it like to comedy shows like i'm about to play ball.

Because I wanted to play ball. That's a lot, dude. Yeah. It makes you feel serious. Yeah. Serious business. I feel like LeBron walking in this motherfucker. Hell yeah.

He's just a Lady Gaga. You're damn right. You should. This is your Staples Center. You have a spot here for sure. Where are you from, man? I'm from North Carolina. Oh, okay.

A little fun facts to catch you two up about Malcolm. Had his first appearance on the show, I think, what, like eight months ago? Something like eight or nine months ago. And did great. Was back on a couple weeks later. And we made him a regular almost immediately. On his third appearance, he was a regular. And he's been doing this show, A Brand New Minute,

writing and performing it in front of audiences and the entire internet for how long has it been now? What, since I've been here? Yeah, as a regular on this show. Eight months. Eight months. And since then, he's gotten signed by one of the biggest agencies in all of Hollywood and a gigantic manager.

He's headlining around the country. He has a massive following. He gained how many Instagram followers did you? I gained like 28,000. 28,000 since being here. I'm at mostly sorry. It takes you, what? And I still use Facebook.

I'm at mostly sorry if anybody wants to follow. Wow, Joel. Jesus Christ. My God. That counts as three. Jesus Christ. What? I'm mostly sorry if anybody wants to Wow Joel Jesus Christ That counts as three That's okay What was that awkward plug he just did It was worth it Back to you Malcolm

You've really fallen off since being the band leader Last week I mean look at you now It was a lot of pressure Just gave a shout out leader last week. I mean, look at you now. It was a lot of pressure! Just gave a shout out. Just saying his own handles back there? Mike. Yeah! You better chill out. I'm about to

shank you, homes. Malcolm, you have any fun gigs coming up? What's your next crazy one that you got? I'm going to Toronto. Whoa! You got your passport. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, that's great. What are you doing in Toronto?

December 5th and 6th. I'm going to go to Toronto. December 5th and 6th. Good weather now. Wait, what nights are those? Is that a fucking Friday, Saturday? I think so. I think I'm going to be in Toronto the exact same nights.

Yeah. We're going to smoke some weed. Well, I mean. Yeah. I mean, yeah, we probably are. I think so. Yeah. Man, that's interesting.

So you're doing gigs there? Yeah. You want to plug them? Where can people get tickets for those? Do you know? If my manager ain't here, could you yell it out loud? Because I don't remember. Well, you'll tweet it later.

A website or someplace where they know where you'll be. Yeah, I'll post it on my stories. Yeah, follow Malcolm Hatchett. Malcolm Hatchett. Tell them your story handle. Malcolm H12. There you go. DM me.

Malcolm Hatchett. Send me a butterfly. Malcolmhatchett.com is your website. Oh, no, my website on Paul's. It was too much shit going on. I'll finish that later. Okay. Websites on Paul's.

Be right back. On Paul's. Do you trust your new agents and managers? You trust them? Oh, hell yeah. They're real cool. They ain't about comedy, really. We be chillin'. We be eatin' pizza and shit. Fuck yeah.

We be playin' Twister. Whoa, wait. You sure? Malcolm, how's the job going? Oh, that's cool. I've been off. I've been doing a lot of shows. But yeah, it's cool, bro. It's a pizza delivery job. Pays a lot of money. Now, but people tip you

well, right? Oh, yeah. Because you're silly and shit. You try to make them laugh. Have you seen anything crazy yet during that job? Anything weird happen? Oh, I got a bit, but I can't really talk about it because it's really long. Oh, okay. But yeah, it's some crazy shit. Oh, that's great. Oh, a homie's dude

shitted out in front of the job. Oh. Yeah, okay. But yeah, yeah, it's some crazy shit. Oh, that's great. Oh, a homeless dude shitted out in front of the job. Oh. Yeah, and he picked it up and he splatted it again and they got it on camera. Yeah. Wow.

I don't understand what he just said and I'd like to understand. So a homeless guy shitted, which means poop came out of his butt. His name was

Brian Redman. Hey, I have a house, Malcolm. Hell yeah. A homeless man shot where? Yeah, he shit it in front of the pizza shop, and he picked it up, and he splatted it.

So he shit, and he got so excited that he spiked it. Yeah, it's a long story. And then he yelled out, we the best! And they still got an A rating. Did you guys have to spray it down? They didn't make you

clean it up. Oh, I just seen the footage through Snapchat. My friend snapchatted. He was like, look at this shit! And I was like, I know him, so it was funny. It was really funny. So your co-worker snapchatted a homeless man shitty? No, no, no. He snapchatted my boss. Did he put a filter on it? It's on his camera, so he played it for him. And my friend, he recorded it and sent it to me.

It was really funny. They have bunny ears? I was like, huh? Esther, you're a well-liked celebrity, one of the rising celebrities. How do you feel about Malcolm Hatch? This is your first time seeing Malcolm tonight, right? I think so. I really liked the stuff about the Grinch.

I thought that was really funny and timely. I like Christmas, so I liked that. I thought that was... I would want to hear more about the Grinch and how he didn't follow his dreams. Yeah. Hell yeah. Some good words of wisdom from little Esther.

Me like Christmas, poo. Deep, deep, doop, doop. Anyway. Anyway. So awesome. That's Malcolm Hatchett. There he goes. Another amazing set. Malcolm H12.

Malcolm Hatchett. Yeah. What do you guys think? Should we go to the bucket one more time, huh? What do you guys think? Should we go to the bucket one more time, huh? This is one of the fucking dippity-doopity-est fucking crowds we've ever had

on this goddamn show. I don't know if you guys think this is what it's normally like, but it's not. You guys are a little fucking slouchy tonight. I don't know what's going on. What, did voting this week make you tired or some shit like that? You fucking... Oh, yeah. Smoke like that? You fucking... Fires.

Oh, yeah. Smoke inhalation. You fucking... You're nowhere near that type of real estate up there. You understand? You're not fooling me. If anywhere, you're coming from fucking Alhambra tonight. You know what I mean?

You're not coming from due north. You ain't fooling me. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. This is your final comedian of the night. Make some noise for Sam Groovy. Is that a real name? Sam Groovy?

Damn, three people from the lucky corner again. Sam Groovy? Is that him? Wow. Oh, that's not him. Oh, okay. Jesus. Oh my god. Okay. One more time for Sam Groovy, okay. Jesus. Oh, my God. Okay, one more time for Sam Groovy, everybody. It's actually just grody.

I'll let you simmer on it. I didn't know I was going to be doing this. That's fine. I was on my couch earlier. I was watching My 600-lb Life. Does anybody watch this show? Avid fans right up here. I'm watching it, and I'm sitting on the couch,

and I'm just like, oh, my God, this woman. She's married, and she's so fat, she can't get up off the couch to get her own snacks to maintain her level of fatness. So her husband brings them to her throughout the day. And all I can think to myself is, but she's married.

I'm in my late 20s. Dating in your late 20s, it's kind of like dress shopping at your favorite discount store. You're just like, no, no, no, no. I'll just fuck something I already have. Hell yeah. Boom.

Boom. So, it's Grody. Grody, that's what you said. Yes, it is. Sam Grody. Grody, that's what you said. Yes, it is. Sam's gross. Sam Grody. Yeah. Okay. Say it more, yeah.

Whoa. Sorry. You like to get choked. Hey, girl. That's like a weird fetish you got there. Yeah. Say it again. Yeah.

Call me Grody to my face again. Are you into bondage of some kind? What the fuck? Jesus Christ Red band's porno is 50 Shades of Brown You know what I'm saying? So, Sam This is your first time on the show, correct?

Yes Wow How long have you been on stand-up? A couple years And you said that you didn't know that you were going to go up tonight? Is that what you said? I really didn't. I thought I signed up for potluck, and then they were like,

you signed up for Kill Tony. You can't leave ever. Oh, is that what they tell people? That's what they know. You can't leave ever. We fooled you. They shame us. You must stay within the walls of the comedy store.

That's what they told me after they sentenced me. You can't leave ever. Wow, so there you go. You were hoping to get a chance to do three minutes, and instead here you are performing for 60 seconds in front of an actual big, giant live audience instead of in the other shit show of a shit room where Thank you for this opportunity. Sorry, I should

have started that. You're very welcome. It's not very often that we get to have retired Fox News correspondents on this show. Oh. Vote for Cox. Why don't you simmer on that for a little bit, huh? Vote for Cox Why don't you simmer on that for a little bit Say it again

Say it again So you've been doing stand up a couple years What do you do for work Sam? I sell cars Really? What kind of car? Is it a specific type? White zone You're going to love this the best Ford trucks

And I'm straight I'm not surprised at all You seem like That seems like a fitting job It seems like guys come in Like oh I need a truck It's like oh let me talk to that Let me talk to that over there

I want to talk to that sales lady I want to say he's wrong. He is not wrong. Right. No, that's not accurate. Are you on a lot or a car, like car shows? Oh, no, I am on the lot, sir. You're on a lot.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Wow. You talk down to everybody, huh? It's interesting. Have you always been that way? No, I think he was talking down to her. Because you were saying she's not in a car lot.

You're right. No, he wasn't. No, car shows are a big deal too. That's where you sell very expensive. That's even more expensive cars, right? But that's what models do.

Yeah. You're talking about Toyo Tires. And out of nowhere, Esther says the meanest thing of the night. Not even realizing that she did it.

I was fine with the three of them, but I'm going to cry about Esther's comment. No, he was talking down to her. No, but let me tell you why I said that. Man, this gerbil just showed her teeth. You're actually misunderstanding what Esther said. I know, I know.

I just sell trucks, and there's no car lot that only sells trucks. If you're a four lot, you sell sedans and trucks. Ford just stopped selling all other cars. They only make trucks now. That's not true. Yeah, it is. Ask the Ford lady right here.

That's why I asked. Ford doesn't make any Ford cars at all. They're making all their cars this year or next year, but they stopped, and they're only selling trucks. 2019, they're no longer making cars, only trucks. So I hope this takes off. Really? It's really true. That's crazy.

So the forest is a thing of the past. Well, I mean, they're still going to be around forever on used car lots because those things don't break. How hard was it to try to sell a Ford Focus? Pretty hard, right? To who? Fiestas? Fiestas? Fiestas? Ford Fiesta?

You want to party? Sure. We're going to do blow later. Do you dress different when you're at work? Do you show more elbows or something? No, I do show my wrists occasionally. Yes, just a hint of the wrists

to really get some. No, I dress professionally. I don't wear sweatshirts. This is also a yoga sweatshirt I bought from my studio. I apologize. What's the number one secret to buying a car? I hope no one finds out about this.

What's the number one secret to buying a car? I would be the worst car salesman in the world if I told you that. Oh, wow. I can tell you. Ask the Jewish guy. Shanks, do you have something? Yeah, I know how to sell ramen noodles

if y'all want to holler at me. I show up my butt cleavage in the back. I taper a shirt where it's like a wife beater but I shove it down all the way to my a shirt where it's like a wife beater, but I shove it down all the way to my butt crack, so it's like I got boobs on my butt.

And I'm like, hey boys, y'all like spicy? Teriyaki? What y'all want? And they come running. Hey man, if you're ever in jail and you need ramen, you know what to do now. Damn. Damn. All right.

Well, Benji, what do you think the secret to selling a car is? You are a powerful, powerful, powerful Jew. This is what I do when I need to buy a car, and this is good advice. Mom, can I have a car? Oh. He did it. Brian Redband with a grand slam deep in the ninth inning. Okay, you know what?

Now I'm not giving everyone chew advice. I have two cars and I bought them both myself. One's leased, actually. But the point is, now because you all applauded, you don't get my kike secrets. And now middle

white America will take your money like they always do. Wow. Damn. Holy shit. I was gonna give you some stuff, but alright. Wow. Man, little guy got angry. Man. Alright, well. This is the face of what holds you down, not Jews, little guy got angry. Man. All right, well.

This is the face of what holds you down, not Jews. Just so you know, it's white people taking your money. Also, I'm Jewish. Whoa. Heck yeah. I back it. I back it. He's right.

You're Jewish as well. I know. The Aryan hair confuses you and I don't keep a diary. That explains it. I am Jewish. I just saw it. Yeah, you can't sell, you definitely can't sell Ford

if the person knows you're Jewish. It gets in the way. Right, right. So, we know, is it hard being a Jewish truck salesman? Because like, I know that you're both, I know that

you both are really tough on gas I don't think I still don't think I definitely didn't say it right it's really hard to write that one in seven seconds but I think you get it they both have trouble with gas yeah that's I think that's the right way to say it. Both struggle with gas? There it is. Yeah, there it is. Yo, I know a lot of racist dudes in prison, and you could be the leader, dog.

I've never gotten to meet a Jewish truck salesman female before. That's very interesting. What's your... Well... Yeah, I noticed in your set that you talk about how this 600-pounder is a wife and this and that. Are you lonely? Do you have a boyfriend or anything like that? I do not have a boyfriend, no.

Why do you think that is? Can we guess? No. I want to know why she thinks that. Do you want to guess? No, I want to know why you think that is. Controlling. Yeah, drugs have plenty of room in them.

Okey-dokey. Maybe I don't want one. Back to the question. I don't know. I think, I don't know. You guys are a lot. What? You guys are a lot.

Just like in general. Oh, no, no. No, you're putting me. You said you guys. You're putting me into people that could possibly ever potentially be your boyfriend. No, no, no. You're putting me. You said you guys. You're putting me into people that could possibly ever potentially be your boyfriend. No, no, no. I just meant. No, you're going to have to put like maybe like these guys are a lot or those guys are a lot.

You guys are a lot. Oh, okay. What do you mean by that? Like what do you mean we're a lot? You've been hurt, haven't you? What are you going to say? Like how long was your last relationship? Four years.

How'd that end? Amicably and boring, just like the entire four years. Whoa, Jesus, man. What the fuck? I don't come off nice up here. I guess he didn't Ford Ram you. Was he Jewish? Was he Jewish?

No, I think no. He was not, no. It's a Ford Ram. And after you guys split No, I think no. He was not, no. And after you guys split up, who got the F-250? Well, we were driving Raptors. Raptors? What is that, like an SUV or something like that? No, it was a special edition truck. Oh.

Man. I stole one from a dude at a Kingston Yard once. What did he do for work? What did the guy that you were with for four years do for work? He built off-road race cars. Off-road race cars? Look at you. Jesus, just a little fucking motor family over there.

I know. Off-road race cars. It's like the Panganites all over you. Are you white trash? Where are you originally from? Well, no, you're part Jewish. You can't be white trash. I'm both.

I'm both. Really? Is the really? I don't think you really are. My mom, my biological grandfather lives in a trailer. Biological grandfather

that you've never met. Exactly. Yeah. I don't know if that counts as white trash. And that grandfather is a hamster. That's the hamster.

Where are you originally from? Newport Beach. Newport Beach. Your parents had money when you were growing up? Newport's nice. What is that? What is that look to the audience? Were they going to save you?

You looked at them like you're looking for an answer on the Price is Right. Yeah, I brought up on this. That's what she was looking at you. The fancy part. Yeah. So what did they do? Did you say Newport or Ju-port? Guys, if we keep saying Newport

this much, the Apollo 13 is going to want a cigarette. So we got to fucking... Fun fact, my dad wanted us to be raised in Orange County, but my mom thought it was too goyish, too Christian, and so we were raised in Beverly Hills around more Jews. And that's why she doesn't seem Jewish at all. Well, you know what?

Yes, Esther. You're single, and Benji's single. And Benji loves fucking nasty chicks like you. By nasty, I mean, I don't mean, like, fucking, like, fucking, like, nasty chicks like you. Like, by nasty, I mean, I don't mean, I don't mean, by the way, I don't mean nasty, like, like, like, look-wise. I mean, like, nasty, like, you keep, like, insinuating certain things about things, like, you know. Weird. That's what I was talking, just so that there's no confusion. I said nasty without checking myself.

Janet Jackson nasty. He got a weird groan. Like down the truck on the first date. You know what I'm talking about? Get in that tailgate. You know what I'm saying? He's already wearing a Jimmy hat. If you know what I'm saying.

He's going to dodge the tough questions. You know what I'm saying? What is going on? I don't know. Alright. Can I go? This was your first time on the show. Did you have fun? I did. You didn't even sign, you signed up for the other

show and look what happened. I know. Thank you so much. There you go. Her first time on Kill Tony. It's Sam Grody. Grody. That's not a V and an O. That's Sam Grody. Grody. That's not a V and an O. That's Sam Grody. No drawing tonight. That was Ryan J.

Belt's going to meet us in Texas, I do believe. We're going to San Antonio, Austin, Houston, and Fort Worth all this week. Magoobies at the end of the month for just me doing stand-up. And New Year's Eve, Dallas, Texas. It's me with Jeremiah Watkins featuring. Esther Povitsky was here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise, Dallas, Texas. It's me with Jeremiah Watkins featuring Esther Povitsky was here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Esther, everyone.

Yeah, do it. I'm going to be in New York on November 30th. You can get tickets on my Instagram page at Esther Monster. EstherMonster.com No, my Instagram is at EstherMonster. Oh, at EstherMonster. All one word. What's the venue you're performing at?

I'm playing the West Side Comedy Theater. West Side Comedy Theater. I love it. New York City. Check it out. Benji Aflalo is Benji Aflalo on all social media sites, correct? Yes. And you guys are the creators and the stars of the hit show,

Alone Together. It's on Hulu. It's great, guys. You guys can binge watch it. All two seasons, right,'s on Hulu. It's great, guys. You guys can binge watch it. All two seasons, right? Are on Hulu? We were canceled, but it's still on Hulu. Oh, that's considered canceled? But that doesn't matter anymore. Technically

Breaking Bad was canceled. Nobody gives a fuck. It lives forever. You guys decide to watch it. We'll see what happens. Yeah, watch alone together. That's how things happen. You can't say it was canceled. Two most adorable people I'm friends with, I think. Absolutely. And by the way, don't let their cuteness underestimate,

don't underestimate their cuteness. They are absolutely brilliant, hilarious writers. I always say I think Esther is the future Julia Louise Stryfus, and Benji is without a doubt very, you know, not that he's not like Seinfeld, but he has a brilliant brain. More like Larry David, I'd say. Like, you have an unbelievable mind. And thank you guys for being on the show at the same time tonight. The cast of

Alone Together, the creators and stars, Benji Apollo and Esther Bavitsky. Hey, look who's back. It's Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Jeremiah has a lot going on. There's a brand new music video, a brand new Reagan Watkins There's a brand new music video Brand new Reagan and Watkins video Brand new episode of Jeremiah Wonders

Tell us Jeremiah what else Yeah new episode with Dave Ross Check out that new Reagan and Watkins video I'm at Jeremiah's stand up On social media and I got a Cat burglar t-shirt coming out real soon Y'all yeah How about one more time I'm telling you he's two for two tonight t-shirt coming out real soon, y'all. Yeah.

How about one more time? I'm telling you, he's two for two tonight. A 1,000 batting average. Chroma Chris was here tonight, everybody. Chroma Chris is on social media. Chroma Chris. Did you have fun tonight, Chroma? I sure did. Tony, I fell in love with it.

Fell in love with it. Because we're felons. Oh, you fell in love with it. Fell in love with it. Because we're fell in love. Oh, you fell in love with it. I got it. It had pros and cons, Tony. There he goes. He finishes two for three after all that. Hey, hey, I give a three for three.

After all that, 1,000 batting average. Three for three. He built it up too much. Okay, yeah, blame it on me. That seems to be the new thing around here. How about Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everybody, huh? He's on Twitter and Instagram and mostly sorry. Yeah, I want to thank Dan Hennenbury who gave me drums in Swansea.

Thank you to Swansea Police Department. Long story. Also, guys, watch Alone together. It's a really great show. I think you'll really like it. It's awesome. I love it. Yeah.. Also, guys, watch Alone together. It's a really great show. I think you'll really like it. It's awesome. I love it. Yeah.

Thank you, guys. We had a lot of friends in Swansea. Chantel, Vanessa, Mike Shannon with the new bucket, Justin. I mean, everybody. You guys know who you are, my whole fucking crazy crew. We did it again, Brian Redband. Yes, we did. I can't wait to be in Texas tomorrow.

Here we go. Fucking giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity up, everyone, because it's going down this week, Texas. But we'll be back here in a week with a special guest comedian. And also, if there's any hip kids in the audience, Adam 22 will be here next week. Do you know Adam 22? He's a big hip star. Shout out to LA Speedweed also.

And yes, our friends at LA Speedweed. And remember, you know, in between now and then, if you feel inspired from this episode, you can start a business and go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. ZipRecruiter, The smartest way to hire.

You can get a free month right now. No more sorting through the wrong resumes or waiting for the right candidates to apply. Yeah. Get qualified candidates fast. It's rated number one in us employers. All right. We love you.

Thank you. Good night. Live audience. We'll see you next week. Good night, live audience. We'll see you next week. Good night. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you.