KILL TONY - KILL TONY #310 (HOUSTON)

Episode Date: November 22, 2018

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - Date: 11/15/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes including video portions of the show. Also click on

tour dates. Not only do we do the Kill Tony every Monday at the world famous comedy store in Hollywood, we also are on the road. We just announced a brand-new show January 26. We have Kill Tony in Phoenix, a special Kill Tony show there. Go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Go there for everything Golden Pony.

Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. Check out his website, RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have the official Kill Tony shirt. And you also have all the Death Squad merch, including mugs and hats. Go to ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony.

Hey, this is red band coming to you live from the secret group in Houston, Texas for a brand new episode of kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchclap. Houston, Texas, make some fucking noise. Wowzers. We are back. The number one live podcast in the world

is here again, everybody. Brian Redband is here. Hey, everyone. You guys ready to fucking rock and roll tonight or what? Huh? We're so excited to be back here. Houston is one of our most visited cities. This is our fourth time to Houston, Texas, believe it or not.

Kill Tony. More than anywhere else. More than anywhere else. More than anywhere else. That puts you tied with San Francisco, which is just a few hours away from us. So you should be pretty excited about that because you're a whole different fucking city and we love you and we come here. More than Dallas, more than Austin,

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And like that, we are in a live podcast that begins now live from houston texas it's kill tony red band is here i'm here i have a gigantic bucket i feel like they fucked up the names a little bit uh during the sign up process for some reason there were two sheets some people uh i think we're confused and uh And who knows what will happen? It's an extra destiny, bucket of destiny. Gavin, you have those extra names? Gavin? Gavin's next door, everybody.

The person in charge of handling the show in this door is next door. Yeah, that's some fucking rock and roll shit. But before we get to the bucket, why don't we bring up something special? We have a band on this show, ladies and gentlemen. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. You never know what they're going to be and what they're going to do. In San Antonio, they were Vietnam veterans,

which was un-fucking-believable. Last night in Austin, Texas, we were blessed by the presence of feminist Stacy and feminist Macy. My God, if you thought feminist Tracy was crazy, wait till you see feminist Macy on last night's episode. And we don't know what they're going to be tonight, but they are truly the best damn band in the land. They are the Kill Tony Band.

It's Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Wait a second. Wait a second Wait a second Oh shit Oh shit We've seen these guys before Oh I see what you did there

Oh yeah Wow This is incredible They are the cowboys I believe Oh, I see what you did there. Oh, yeah. Wow. This is incredible. They are the Cowboys, I believe, from Westworld. I've never seen the show, but they're amazing. These guys are incredible. Legends here as band members on Kill Tony. How about one more time for these Cowboys, huh?

Am I right? You're futuristic cowboys of some kind or something? Shoot, yeah we are. We got clearly a rugged Jeremiah cowboy up there and back here we have this

young children's teddy bear that is also dressed up for the occasion. Tony, do you know how hard it is to fit cowboy hats in a carry-on? No, I don't, but now I sort of see. I sort of get it. I'm fucking excited about this. So we have our band. We have Red Band. I sort of get it. I'm fucking excited about this. So we have our band. We have Red Band.

I'm here. And the bucket of destiny has made it here. Somebody was cool enough to... Who was it that brought us this damn bucket? Fuck yeah. Put your hand together for this guy. Brought us a real... Made us feel right at home.

Thank you. Those are hard to find probably right now. Thank you. Yes. This is the time of the you. Those are hard to find probably right now. Thank you. Yes, this is the time of the season where it's impossible to find. So hard to find. A discount, what would normally be $1. This bucket is filled with names. If I pull a person's name out, I think you guys know how it works.

They get 60 seconds of stage time to try to do stand-up comedy. Sometimes it's great. Sometimes it's fucking a process. And then afterwards, we interview them and talk with them about anything in the world. You know your 60 seconds of stand-up is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. Aw, isn't that adorable?

I could barely hear that little thing. Why don't you let it out of its cage? Okay, there you go. Wrap it up then, or else you're gonna I could barely hear that little thing. Why don't you let it out of its cage? Okay, there you go. Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. There you go. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. We have it all here. Cowboys are here. Giddy up. You guys ready to start this shit? This is it. This is Kill Tony live from the one and only

Houston, Texas. And your first comedian going up tonight goes by the name of Dylan Alexander. Here we go. Here we go. We're gonna meet someone. Maybe it's his first time. Maybe he's a comedy veteran. Here he

is. Dylan Alexander, everyone. Oh, what's up, y'all? I've been broke as fuck, man. Finally got a decent job. Women have finally given me attention again. I was broke as fuck last year, man. Women don't give you no... Women can tell when you're broke. It's a waste of time trying to holler at chicks. I don't know if y'all can smell the nickels and pennies on me or what the fuck. You can tell when you're broke. It's a waste of time trying to holler at chicks. I don't know if y'all can smell the nickels and pennies on me or what the fuck. But it's real, man.

But I've had the same car for eight years, man. But I'm not getting a new one, though, because I've had, my hood is rusted. I've got one hubcap left. AC barely works. My AC feels like somebody blowing air on you. Not even cold, just cool. But I'm not getting a new car, though,

because I was in traffic the other day at the stoplight. Homeless dude was giving his rounds, showing a sign off. And he's showing a sign to every car. And he skips over my car. Completely skipped the fuck over me. I'm like, all right. That's it, that's it, that's it. There you go, Dylan Alexander.

Dylan, why do you remind me of the bad guy from Ghost? The movie. Willie Perez or whatever? Remember that guy? You know what I'm talking about? I've never called anybody that before. It's a deep reference. It worked just about as good as I thought it would work.

It's hard to pull off. You know who I'm talking about? No. You seem like the bad guy from pretty much every movie. Oh, shit. Okay. But like one of the henchmen, like the second to last guy that the

main guy has to be not like the main main bad guy with like an accent and talent and shit like that you know what i mean you're just sort of like the guy that now i get it they probably why are you so poor i'm doing better now i got a part-time job. Oh, now you have a part-time job. I'm cool. What's that? What's the part-time job? It's retail. It's what?

Retail. Retail? Yeah. Right on time with the music from the hit movie Ghost. What are you selling man? Technology Really? Wow Where do I sign up?

I'll take three of them You're like Steve No Jobs Yeah And he is starting hot, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Technology, huh? Yeah, what kind of technology are we talking about? What kind of stolen electronics are... I'm not going to snitch on myself, but, you know... Microsoft or Apple, one ofitch on myself but you know Microsoft or Apple

one of them shits Wow Jeremiah I think it is clear why he is poor he is a terrible salesman shit fire me up Microsoft or some shit

what the fuck are you talking about, Dylan? I feel like he thinks we're pulling him over. Like, that's not... Oh, shit. I'm very high. I'm very high. I mean, we're all really high, but... I mean, we all know...

Excuse me, sir. Do you have any idea how black you were going? Oh, shit. What were you doing to survive before you started selling, uh, some shits? Because I'm guessing if it's Microsoft or some shits, I'm guessing some shits.

Yeah. Craigslist jobs a little bit and just sales. Sales on Craigslist? You're a hooker? Oh, shit. Alright. I'm playing myself right now. You're playing yourself.

Sales. Let's do sales. Alright. Okay. What else do we have for you? A little soupy sales over here. Terrible, terrible sales. Man. Like if What else do we have for you? Little soupy sales over here. Terrible, terrible sales. Man. Like if you were going to sell me some of your technology, how would you do it? What?

What's that music supposed to mean? Technology. Oh. Go ahead. Sell me something. What you like to do with your phones and shit? I like to make phone calls. I like to send emails, take pictures. I want an iPhone.

I want an iPhone, and that's all I want. Why? What do you got? I got iPhones, bro. I got hella iPhones. You got iPhones? I got so many iPhones, dog. Why should I get an iPhone from you? And not the super legal, not shady Apple store?

Yeah, why should I get it from you, dude? I'm not even making commissions. Are you ignoring me, the customer? I mean, I'm sitting right here. I asked you why I should get an iPhone from you and not the Apple store. And then you just started daydreaming. You had a look on your face

like there was just hundreds of people laughing in your direction. He works at a closed radio shack with meth. Yo, you want some technology? Yo, you want some technology? Alright, we got some good things in this week. We got some Microsoft. I got some shit.

Which one do you want? I sell technology, etymology, and paleontology. What's up? You had anthropology. Sir, I'm in a little bit of a hurry. Why should I get an iPhone from you? Look, no commission, so you can buy if you want. I really don't care. I really don't care.

Fuck it. You're literally the worst salesman ever. Like, that's the worst answer you could have given. Had I sent a room full of comedy writers into another room and been like, hey. It's like, hey, I don't give a fuck, dude. Either get a phone or not,

bitch. It's almost like you're offended that I'm trying to shop here. Hey, man. You know what you want to get? That's my thing. You know what you want to get? That's my thing. You know what you want to get. You're good at ringing people up is what you're doing.

That's what you do. You're not really a salesman. I'm good at finding out. Did you find everything okay? Yeah. All right, Dylan. I fucking like your style, man. How long have you been doing stand-up? It'll be three years in December.

Three years! Hell yeah! Yeah! Yeah. These people were not buying what you were selling, though, here tonight. I'll tell you that. It was a little rough around the edges, but... Dylan, what ethnicity are you?

Your name's Dylan Alexander, but you don't necessarily look like a Dylan Alexander. What kind of Puerto Rican are you? I'll take it. I'll take it. No, I'm mixed black and white. Mixed black and white? Yeah. The old duck of the swirl.

The old black and white. Like Jeremiah's favorite milkshake. The old black and white. I don't like anything black and white. All right, Dylan. We're going to keep this fun train moving along. There he goes. Dylan Alexander, your first comedian of the night.

The world's worst salesman, everybody. It's not very often. It's not very often you get the world's worst salesman, but there he goes. My goodness. You guys having fun out there yet? All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jesse Lindley.

Jesse Lindley. Here we go. Here he comes. One more time for Jesse Lindley, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. Okay.

So I think it's crazy that there are these loopholes and technicalities and religion. You know what I'm talking about? Like, imagine with me that there's this lady, she's like at the pearly gaze, she's ready. And St. Peter's like, yeah, you did a good job. You lived a good life, but you know, you're not supposed to take the Lord's name in vain, right? And she's like, oh my gosh, no, I would never do that. He's like, ah, right there, oh my gosh, you can't say that. She's like, wait, what do you mean? That's different, that's different. You're not seriously going to send me to hell for saying, oh my gosh, are you? He's like, no, no, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to dang you to heck. Yeah, it's different, it's different.

Next! Next! Thank you. Yes. it's different next thank you yes no no that wouldn't happen that wouldn't happen so

do you think that do you think that like listeners of death metal do you think that okay here we go

Jesse Lindley everybody thank you thank you Okay, here we go. Jesse Lindley, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. That was the first ever time we've had a sermon given on this show. It's pretty impressive. You are gathering a lot of cord up there, huh?

Oh, there you go. My goodness. Jesse, Jesse, Jesse Wow I've always wondered what it would be like If Tom Hanks got hit in the head With an aluminum baseball bat And tried stand-up comedy This is very impressive

Why do you look like You rode here on a unicycle? You look like if Indiana Jones Couldn't get his hat before the door closed. Yeah. Oh my God. He looks like you made a leather jacket out of a gay cow. Moo. Moo.

Moo. Jesse, is that your first time doing stand-up? Yes. I could tell by the cord bundling. There it is, the first timer. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Heck yeah. So why do you look like that? I'm from Austin. Oh, wow. Space invaders. We have a space invader here.

Man, you are keeping Austin weird. Jesse, you made the drive all the way here today from Austin? That's right. So did we. I met you last night, correct? That was me. Yeah. And you told me after the show, I remember that you signed up and you didn't get up.

Well, I was too late to sign up. I missed it. Right. Well, there you go. And look at you here tonight. Dreams coming true. You fucking did it. I guess

not, according to Red Band. It was silent during your entire set, which is good. I like the dang you the heck. It was wordy, but there's something to that. Yeah. I didn't like it at all. But he did

and that means something. Jesse, how many generations has that jacket been handed down in your family? It's just one. Just one? It was your dad's? Just one solid generation. Yeah. It really was your dad's?

Oh, wow. I fucking love it. I nailed that shit. Because, like, these Austin people, they go to thrift stores and just lie. Like, oh, it's my grandfather's. Man. What do you do for work, Jesse? I work at a barbecue restaurant.

Hell yeah. I love that. Is it a big chain or just a one-off? Well, it's part of the Blacks family, but it's not a big chain. The Blacks family? Man. Do they only serve chicken and ribs?

Okie dokie. Guess you guys aren't ready for any racial jokes yet. We'll warm you up a little bit more. Get to them later. Black's barbecue, chicken and ribs, okie dokie. How long have you been making barbecue? Is that what you do? Do you make the barbecue?

I slice it. I slice it up. Six months to a year. Hell. About six months to a year. Hell yeah. Six months to a year. Now, do you call human bodies barbecue? You slice them up, put sauce on them,

lather them up, sell them to the public. How old are you, Jesse? Jesus. Really? Really? How old are you? I? Jesus. Really? Really? All right. How old are you? 29 years old.

And you're starting stand-up now. You've been working at a barbecue place. What else is going on with your life? You have a girlfriend? I mostly spend my time playing music. Oh, yeah? What instrument do you play? Lately, piano.

Yeah? What other instruments do you know how to play? I do know how to play drums. You know how to play? I do know how to play drums. You know how to play drums? Well, well, well, I guess that only means one thing. That right now, Jesse Lindley will be taking part of a Mexican drum off. Here, have a seat, Joel Burke. Here, sit right here.

Now, I don't know if you guys know exactly how this works, but it's true. Jesse's going to do a drum solo, and then after that, Joel is going to do a drum solo and then after that, Joel is going to do a drum solo. Joel is all time undefeated in Mexican drum offs. However, however, however, however,

his belt is on the line and I will say this. If Jesse happens to win this, he's coming back with us to Los Angeles to be the newest drummer on Kill Tony. And if that happens, Joel is staying here in Houston, Texas.

All right, now, let's hear what you got. Now, hold on. Wait, wait. What are you doing? You son of a... All right, everybody,'s hear what you got. Now hold on, wait, wait, what are you doing? You son of a... All right, everybody, here we go. Jesus, Red Band. Hey, thanks a lot for making his double a triple

before the show, you asshole bartenders. So, Jesse, are you ready for this challenge? Ladies and gentlemen, drumming first. Put your hands together for Jesse Lindley. That's it. That's it. That's your closing argument? Okay, okay, okay.

There he is, Jesse Lindley. Now his opponent, the reigning defending champion, Joel Berg! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel!

Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel!

Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel!

Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel!

Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Joel! Thank you. I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure Joel Berg won that one guys but Jesse you were a good you were a fine competitor how about one more time

for Jesse Lindley ladies and gentlemen Jesus Joel what do you have stuffed in there How about one more time for Jesse Lindley, ladies and gentlemen? Jesus, Joel, what do you have stuffed in there? Kind of grandma panties. If anyone wants to donate Joel some new underwear, what's going on there? What do you have? Are you wearing my underwear? No, those underwear legitimately look like they're from the 1800s.

Joel, stand up. What kind of... What kind of cowboy keeps his pistols in his underwear? I've seen Nancy boys take their pants off slower than Joel got his pants off. That was incredible. Oh, my God. Tony, this asshole's made for comedy, baby. Be careful with your adjustment.

I legitimately just saw your left testicle. Oh, my God. Actually, that was the right one. They got twisted around during the drum battle. Make some fucking noise for the best damn band in the land, huh? Goddamn, goddamn. All right. The fun train keeps moving.

Choo-choo. Make some noise keeps moving. Choo choo. Make some noise for Wendy Cressley everybody. Here we go. Wendy Cressley. Wendy Cressley. Wendy Cressley. I'm sure it's going to happen here. That could be her. That could be her. That could be her.

By the way, if you're trying to get up on stage, it's on that side right there. Yeah, there's only one way in, one way out. Here she comes. She's making it to the stage. Oh, your mic's back here. It's right back here. There you go. One more time, ladies and gentlemen, for Wendy Cressley.

Hey! How's everybody doing? Good? Well, I got out of prison recently. It's not a joke, actually. It's true. And I went to prison for drugs, but not... Well, I didn't go for drugs. I went because of drugs, I guess you could say even though there were a lot of drugs there um and the whole thing throughout the whole thing all I wanted was

um to learn some patience because you got to wait in line for everything you have to wait in line for commissary wait in line for chow and I thought it was pretty ironic considering that lines were the reason why I was there to begin with. And I realized since I've gotten out, I've kind of lived life on the edge. And I realized that when I took a Tinder date home and he had PTSD. And I decided to play Saving Private Ryan in the background while we were having sex. But when I got transferred from county jail to federal prison because I went to,

I guess, Club Fed, you get there and I was telling my daughter about, I was telling my daughter about being, you know, what a nice place it was. 40 acres,

it's beautiful, volleyball courts, everything. There you go. The bear is loud and the cat is not tonight. Wendy Cressley, everybody. Wendy Cressley. Here we go. The bear is loud and the cat is not tonight. Wendy Cressley, everybody. Wendy Cressley.

Here we go. It was lines of cocaine. Cocaine, right? Yes. I would have guessed meth. Not skinny enough. What did you think? Because it was Thursday night

I was going to go soft you fuckos No I'm kidding So how long have you been out of prison? Three years How long were you in? Three years What did you do? Street crack

We have these little laws called conspiracy laws So you really don't have to do anything. You just have to talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what did you do? I introduced two people that did a drug deal. Oh. It's really, really lame.

It really is. Right. It's pitiful. But you did enough drugs to probably go to jail for three years, right? At least. Yeah. That makes sense. So let me ask you this.

When you went to jail, did you have a boyfriend? I was married. Wow. He didn't go to jail, right? No. So did he get a divorce? No. We're still not divorced.

I wish we were. But did you guys separate it all the way? Did you tell him he could bang other people when you go to jail? Yeah, I told him she had to be really, really young and she couldn't live in my house. Really, really young? Because he wouldn't put up with her shit for very long. Really, really? Like how young are we talking about here?

Like 23, 24. Damn. Yeah. Did he do it? Oh, I don't know. You never asked him? You don't ask those sort of things. Did you turn into a lesbian when you went into prison?

Everybody asked. I knew you were going to ask that. There were a lot that I did, but no, I did not, which I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing that I couldn't get a girlfriend in female prison. Yeah. I kind of, my self-esteem was like. You never tried it once?

I didn't say I didn't try. I just said I wasn't able to achieve that. Wow. Damn. Damn. What did you try? I know it's hard to get scissors into prison. Jeremiah?

Where I come from, homosexual sex between a man and another man is a sin. But whenever it's a woman and a woman, that's hot as hell. The good Lord teaches and the good Lord takes. Absolutely, I agree with that, cowboy. When you say that you tried some stuff out, what does that mean exactly? Like, what happened? Did you go to chow town? You know what I mean?

They call it gay for the stay. Did you make her commissary? No, but I folded her laundry really well. Really? Is that what you did? They serve clam chowder in prison? Laundry token. Never mind. What do you mean you folded her laundry?

What kind of sex move is that? No, no, it's like the... It's when a woman has two loose labia lips. You gotta part them to the side. We want the real answers, Wendy. We want the truth, damn it. It's a really strange dynamic because what you would consider, and not to be offensive or anything,

but what you would consider, I guess, butch, I guess, is they're the ones that are actually doing the laundry and making sure everything's all pressed, and they're the ones that have the pretty girls that are buying them stuff. It's really, really strange. It's hard to explain. It's like nothing I've ever seen before. Did you lean more? You were more of like the pretty girls that are buying them stuff. It's really, really strange. It's hard to explain. Right. It's like nothing I've ever seen before.

Did you lean more, you were more of like the pretty girls, right? Or were you more the... I just kind of kept to myself, to be honest. Really? Yeah, because they'd ship you off, and I was in a pretty cushy place, and I didn't want to end up in FDC Houston. Right. And if you get caught dyking out, that's exactly where they're going to send you.

Exactly. So, what would you do to pass the time? We've never had a former female prisoner here. This is like having a Stephanie Avery or something like that. I read a lot. Nerd.

What did you read? Lesbian porn? No. Alright, go ahead. I ran a lot worked out a lot it's been a little while did you start doing coke after they cancelled that 70s show

wow very good very good very good now I see what it was it was jokes stuffed in those underwear Very good. That was good. Very good. Now I see what it was. It was jokes stuffed in those underwear. That's actually a really, really smart joke because she was on that 70s show and Orange is the New Black. I read that book whenever I first got in.

That book had just come out. Orange is the New Black just came out? Wow. And it's pretty true to the whole experience. Huh. Damn. Isn't that interesting? So when you got out of prison, you were in there for three years.

So how was the acclimation back into society? Was it good? It's a halfway. Yeah, it was really good. Yeah. That was like about the time when all, apps started coming out on my phones because I had an iPhone 4 when I went in. And there weren't any apps.

There weren't any apps on them, barely. And then I get out, and it's, like, this crazy new technology. Right. And so it kind of went a little crazy. What do you do for work now? I'm an electrician. Oh, cool. I'm still convinced you're a lesbian, by the way.

More than ever. you're an electrician how long have you been doing that for? three years, I went to school when I got out have you done cocaine since you've been out? like twice oh yeah you know those electricians work with those power lines

you know what i'm saying i actually did home like repair remodel re like when before i went i had my own business before i went oh you did home repair and remodel fuck yeah where you would just go into someone's house do a bunch of blow and fucking redo the entire place. In three days. Fucking did it, man. In three days. Hell yeah. That's so fun.

Was this your first time doing stand-up? You've been doing it a while? No, actually the first time I did it I was in prison. In prison? Yeah. Wow, that's interesting. How did that go for you? It went really, really well,

but I'm not sure if it was easier to make them laugh because they had nothing to laugh about or if it was more difficult to make them laugh. So it's a whole different dynamic here. But it went well. Yeah, there, yeah. Yeah, it went really well. Do they call them in the female prisons open Michaela's or what?

Open a what? Do a lot of people on those comedy shows in prison... No, we had a talent show. Oh. And I opened the talent show. Wow. What was your competition like? What was the other talent that you remember?

A lot of singers and joy dancers. And people doing push-ups and stuff. All right, Wendy. Well, thanks for coming on the show. This was so much fun. There she goes, the former prisoner, Wendy Cressley. Ooh, I think she just grabbed that cowboy's thigh on the way out. Did I see that correctly?

Did you get a little fucking, just a little touchy-poo over there? Yeah, I turned her back straight. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. All straight Alright here we go With a smiley face on the piece of paper Your next comedian goes by the name of Victor Mills everyone Here we go

Victor Mills Here he is Victor Mills everybody So I am a type 1 diabetic Peter Mills, everybody. So I am a type 1 diabetic. And I am also a sex addict. And those two things do not go very well together. No, no, no.

It's like if I want to actually get off after, like, have a war with my own dick, you know? I guess you don't get that. If I expel energy, my glucose drops like Owen Hart, and I can't have that, and I'm trying to fuck. But I am an addict, you know, I get desperate. I hired a prostitute recently, and so we're doing it in the back of my car, right? This is great. And so I'm starting to feel it, you know. And I'm getting a little shaky, you know, a little shaky. Starting to drop low on the sugar side of things. And I'm in her ear and I'm like, hey, girl, I need some sugar. I need some sugar.

Give me some of that sugar. And she didn't really know what I meant by that. But so she gave me a kiss. But, you know, the only thing more embarrassing than actually hiring a prostitute to fuck you is asking her to give you a ride to McDonald's afterwards bitch I'm fucking dying

there you go Victor Mills everyone this is very very exciting very exciting this is the first time we've ever had George Costanza's gay nephew on the show before. Yes. Wow. Look at you, you little fucking hamster man, you.

Look at you. I fit all the hipster criteria. Barista. I'm in a band. I love pro wrestling. I'm a fucking idiot, you. Look at you. I fit all the hipster criteria. Barista. I'm in a band. I love pro wrestling. I'm a fucking idiot, dude. I love it. Oh, can that please be your catchphrase?

I'm a fucking idiot, dude. Yeah, alright. Maybe it's too soon. So, Victor, let's talk about it. Is that your first ever stand-up set? First ever stand-up thing ever. Hell yeah. Absolutely.

It takes real balls to throw out an Owen Hart reference like that in front of such a mainstream audience. That was really just for you. Thank you. I could sort of tell. Yeah. He left it all in the ring, you know. Thank you. I could sort of tell. Yeah. I loved it. He left it all in the ring, you know.

Thank you, Victor. Stop trying. Here, face the audience. I don't like you all squared up to me like this. Okay, okay, okay. Yes, Jeremiah. Yes, did you also just get out of female prison? Yeah, I was visiting your mom. Hey, hey. Stay over there. I'm white.

I'm white, okay? It's been a while since I killed a man. It's been a while since I killed a man Jeremiah is standing over Victor For those of you listening to the podcast Not since Austin last year, right? Oh my god Victor, Victor, Victor I'm kidding, I'm kidding

Victor, Victor, you're not doing a good job at kidding It's not going well Just stop doing what you're doing Yes sir, yes sir Victor Did you suck dick for those shoes, boy? Victor, I don't know if you've ever seen this show

before, but don't wake the bear over there. Jeremiah is all-time undefeated. You're a wrestling fan? That's fucking stone-cold Steve Austin over there. There you go so Victor this is your first time

ever doing anything like this you're a fucking barista for a living yeah you said you play in a band yeah I've been in a band for six years I've played here before

a couple of times I didn't ask you about any of that other shit try to really focus try to really focus on answering the questions yeah I'm just very nervous it's just me and you

just breathe ignore the bunch's just me and you. Just breathe. Ignore the bunch of people laughing at you. His brains are scrambled from being a whack-a-mole. Victor, how long have you been being a barista? For eight years now. For eight fucking years. Wow. Eight years of being a barista.

Well, I run my own shop, but yeah. Oh, you do? You have your own coffee shop. What's it called? I'm not going to give that name out there. I don't think you know how this show works. If you worked for a big, giant corporation, you wouldn't want to put the name out.

If you have your own place, you would definitely want to put your name out. Hold on, hold on. You know what? Let me check in with Jeremiah. The coffee shop is called Shots Fired. Yeah. Well, I manage the shop, but there are owners above me that are very Christian.

I don't know how they're going to take prostitute jokes. Oh, so you don't own your own coffee shop. No, no, no. I don't own one. The owners above you would be the owners of the coffee shop, Victor. Yes, yes. I guess it only takes eight years of being a barista before you literally think you fucking run the joint.

Yeah. Wow. Victor Mills. Eight years as a barista. Yes. Your band has played here before. What's the name of your band? The Daphne Blue.

We're from out of Houston. Yeah. You're from out of Houston. Yeah. We play this area a lot. Yeah. from out of Houston. You're from out of Houston? Yeah, we play this area a lot. Alright. What instrument do you play in the band? I play bass. Really?

Any other instruments? No. Good. Damn it, I could have showed my nuts again. What else? What do you do for fun, Victor? You seem like a real type of, you seem like a real douchey. I'm interested to know more about you.

Pro wrestling fanatic. I go to WrestleMania every single year. I'm invested in that. I love that. I go to shows as well as play them as much as I possibly can. You live music shows. Yeah, as much as I possibly can. And I music shows. Yeah, as much as I possibly can.

And I try things out. Either one time, if it goes great or if it goes bad, it doesn't matter. Like what? I've actually had one wrestling match in my entire life. You've had what? One professional wrestling match in my entire life. I've had one match in my life. You've wrestled before? Yeah, yeah.

Once, yes. Get the fuck out of here. With what, your sexuality? Who the hell did you wrestle? What, did David Arquette come to town or something like that? Yeah, you wrestle his pants off? This was a long time ago. I took it seriously. I trained for a whole year, and then I had just one match, and I got fucked up, man.

I got beat the fuck up. Of course you did. What the fuck are you talking about? It's never a good sign. Who's the guy that you, what was his name? What was the wrestler that you went against? His name was Jordan Phillips, that motherfucker. Is that the name that he went by in the ring? That's the name that he went by.

Jesus Christ. Man, you guys are real marketing machines out here, huh? Yeah. Come see it. Come see it this Saturday. Big wrestling match. Jordan Phillips versus the barista. My name actually was Time Bomb Tyler Bishop.

Completely unrelated. It was given to me by somebody else. Wow. But on the poster for the show, they didn't put Time Bomb Tyler Bishop. Completely unrelated. It was given to me by somebody else. But on the poster for the show, they didn't put Time Bomb, they just put TB Tyler Bishop. So I guess my gimmick was like tuberculosis? Yeah. No, the bottom. The bottom. Yes. Well, I'm glad you took the time to bomb up here

tonight, Victor. It was a pleasure to meet you. You know, way to fucking go for it, dude. I love that you're doing things and trying different things out. That's what fucking life is all about. We have these talks when we're shit-faced at the end of every night. It's, you know, trying new things, finding new things, and that's what it's all about.

So fucking keep rocking and rolling. There you go. Victor Mills, everybody.'s what it's all about. So fucking keep rocking and rolling. There you go. Victor Mills, everybody. Thank you. There he goes. You know what, Tony? Yeah, what? I was looking out in the audience,

and I noticed there's a mountain in the middle of the audience. I recognize that as well. Last night he was sitting in the front row of the show that we had in Austin, Texas why don't you stand up, take a bow the mountain ladies and gentlemen from Game of Thrones, Kill Tony there he is

there he is is your girlfriend with you again? hey, why don't you stand up stand up, take a bow for everybody look at that little thing imagine imagine him fucking her for a second Stand up. Take a bow for everybody. Look at that little thing. Imagine him fucking her for a second. Back to the bucket we go.

You guys like it when comedians do good here? How many of you like it when they bomb? At 70-30 if I've ever heard it before in my life. Alright. Here we go. I think I'm going to read this correctly That's 70-30 if I've ever heard it before in my life. All right. Here we go. I think I'm going to read this correctly, hopefully.

If your name sounds anything like this, just come up to the stage. Eddie Kite-a? Eddie Cont-a? Eddie Cont-y? Cant-y? Eddie? Here he comes. Right down the middle.

Make some noise for Eddie, everybody. What's up? Oh, shit. Tony Hinchcliffe. I like you more than Joe Rogan. This is a big deal. I'm really fat. I've been gaining a lot of weight.

I tried to go on keto. But now I'm back fat. I've been gaining a lot of weight. I tried to go on keto. But now I'm back on Cheeto. It's pretty embarrassing when your girlfriend walks in on you. You know? Fuck, I forgot to lock the door. I was naked on the bed, eating a pizza off my stomach. She's like, Eddie, what the fuck are you doing? I'm like, calm down.

It's not delivery. It's DiGiorno. I feel disgusting every time I order pizza. I'm like, yeah, I'll take a breather I'm fucking winded Alright there you go Eddie what's your last name Eddie Sorry my handwriting My handwriting is terrible Eddie Cantu

Eddie Cantu, C-A-N-T-U. Eddie Cantu. Hell yeah. You're having a lot of breathing problems up there, huh? While wearing a Star Wars shirt. I mean, I've been so nervous. Every time you pull the thing, I'm like, fuck. Man.

Tony, I think Kevin Smith looks great. This is a fucking dream come true, by the way. Of course it is. Of course it is. We know. You're wearing shorts. It has to be a dream come true. That's what happens.

That's what happens when you wear pajamas. Dreams come true, everybody. So how long have you been sleeping here inside of the secret group? Eddie, why are you so unhealthy? What's your, what's your, why is your breathing so bad? You're nervous. I get that. But what do you do?

What's the biggest health conscious thing that you do? I just, I just have a thing for pizza, dude. I don't know. Really? It's like sexual for me. No, I get it. You have the face of a guy that makes, dude. I don't know. Really? It's like sexual for me. No, I get it. You have the face of a guy that makes it all the time. Makes pizza.

My girlfriend's Italian. She is? You have a girlfriend? She's really Italian? What are we talking about here? Second generation. Wow. Really?

Thank the Lord. Second generation Italian. How long have you been with her? Three and a half years. Wow. Damn. What do you think she sees in you? I don't know. Not much. She's a trooper, I guess.

Hell yeah. No, definitely she is. She really is. She's a real, real trooper. So, Eddie, this is your first time ever doing stand-up, right? Absolutely, yes. Of course. How old are you? I'm 24.

24? That's fucking good. You don't look a day over 43. So perfect. Absolutely great. One of the oldest-looking 24-year-olds I've ever seen. Now I'm more concerned about your health than I was before when I thought you were an out-of-shape 37-year-old. Eddie, what do you do for a living?

I'm a film editor. You're a film editor? Yeah. Huh. Have you edited any films that we might recognize? Definitely not. How do you make a living editing film? I do like documentaries and then wedding films and then corporate

and then student films in Austin. Oh, okay. How long have you been doing that for? Almost 10 years. Jeez. You must be pretty good by now, huh? I guess. I don't know. Do you make documentaries, wedding films? What else?

Anything else? That's pretty much it. Looks like you love shorts. I do. All right, well. Eddie, where'd you meet your girlfriend at? What pizza shop are we talking about here? I actually met her at the cafeteria at a college, at a local college.

College cafeteria. At Lone Star. She's like, this guy looks like he's... Jesus Christ. What the fuck? What does that mean? University of Texas? It's just a community college called Lone Star. Wow. Is that true?

Yeah, it's real. It sucks. This place went crazy. I didn't realize all Kill Tony fans were community college graduates. Jesus. Pretty surprised. Man. It's all you need nowadays.

Hell yeah. All right. So what was happening? You had your tray of food and you guys bumped into each other, and you were all like, oh, I'm so nervous and out of breath. Yeah, probably. And she was like, this guy looks like he's got a lot of dough. I do.

I got the dough. Yeah. All right. Well, what's your favorite sexual position? You ever put her in the old editing bay? You know what I'm talking about? I don't really have one. You ever put her in the old editing bay? You know what I'm talking about? I don't really have one. You ever fold her laundry?

No. You know what that is? I don't. I'm a virgin. Is that true? Yep. Alright. Here we go. I have a great idea.

I need a female volunteer, ladies and gentlemen. Is there any woman out there that wants to make comedy history here tonight? Jeremiah? I was just going to say, he's a virgin as the good Lord intended. He's not wed yet, therefore, he hasn't spread yet. Is your girlfriend a virgin? Yes. What?

Wait, wait, wait. Did she say that she's a virgin? I mean, there was a... I think one of these cowboys could have rode their horse through that gap between your um and your yes. I think we all pictured her just getting fucked up against a wall at a bar. Wow, you really think she's a virgin?

She's Italian. The Italians love sex. You really think that? What's the craziest thing that you guys have done sexually? What's the farthest you've gotten? You ever jerk off in front of her? No, I haven't Louis C. Cater yet, no.

Oh, very good. Have you gotten to first well, second well, third well? It's bases now, no. Oh, very good. Have you gotten to first well, second well, third well? It's basis now, cowboy. It's basis. Oh, it's basis.

Okay. Times have changed. Do you do anything like put a pillow in between you and hump the pillow with both of you at the same time

or something? Yes. Have you hit that layer of... There has to be something. You can't be just sitting there with like a... You know, you got... Do you masturbate crazy style?

Okay, wait a second. Hold on. Let's get back to... We asked them a question a minute ago. We never got an answer out of it. What's the farthest that you've gotten so far? Have you done anything sort of? You guys just...

Honestly, no. It's pretty lame. Has your old prospector been in any barter for mine? No. All right. What about like you guys kiss? Yeah, we make out. Yeah, you make out.

Do you get boners? Yeah. Do you get boners? Yeah, I get boners. Have you guys seen each other naked? Guys, I'm trying to do some serious questions here, guys. The million dollar question tonight. Do you get boners? I mean, I'm trying to do some serious questions here, guys. The million-dollar question tonight, do you get boners? I mean, I'm trying to.

That might be my favorite question that Tony Hinchcliffe has ever asked on any podcast. Thank you. Thank you. It's like he was possessed by the spirit of Brian Redpan to ask that question So you get boners Do you rub them up against her sometimes when you guys are making out?

So you guys like dry hump a little bit? Sure, yeah, you can call it that Sure? I just turned into Jerry Seinfeld Where's that female that got out of prison? Let's get this dude's fucking dick wet. I want to see how fast he comes.

Do your nipples ever get tingly in the cold of night? No. All right. Do your knees ever shake when a horse walks by at 3 a.m.? Okay, all right, cowboy. Do your knees ever shake when a horse walks by at 3 a.m.? Okay. All right, cowboy. Does your nose ever twitch when a coyote howls at the sun? Okay.

All right. Man. Does your finger ever wiggle? All right. All right. All right. Settle down. When a chicken makes eye contact with you? Oh, my God. This place is out of control.

Melissa Etheridge is not slowing down over there. Does your eyebrow ever raise? When you see a cooter in the pool? All right. Eddie, I fucking love it. Does your butt ever squirt? Okey dokey. There you go.

Leave it to a cowboy to really beat a dead horse. All right. Well, Eddie, have you ever thought about working out? Have you ever thought about running the steps in Philadelphia or anything like that? Like fucking Rocky? I was going to take your advice to one guy and start following Cam Haines, which I did. Yeah. I love that. So you just follow him and then you just sit there

and watch. Is that what you jerk off to? Cam Haines. Somebody. Are you saving it for marriage? Yeah, are you saving working out for marriage? Yes, that too. Well, long story short, I have bad knees, and I'm getting surgery next month, so that's kind of funny.

Oh, you're having surgery on your knee. Is that what you said? Oh, cool. Yeah. Congratulations. It's not cool. It sucks, but you can roast me for it. It's fine.

No, no, it's good. Oh, crazy knees. I like how your jacket says windbreaker, but your shorts says vag dryer. All right, Eddie, we could roast you forever. You are literally flammable like a charcoal briquette. You're so easy to roast. When you do have sex, come back and let us know.

Like, explain it to us. We'll give you an update. I would love to hear what happens. I love it. Yeah, we want an update. Make sure you sign up next time we're in town, okay? Make some noise for the great Eddie Cantu, everybody. Come on.

Come on! He popped his fucking cherry tonight! The only cherry he has ever popped. That is kind of hot that they both haven't had sex. That's kind of cool. I mean, I wonder what's tighter, her pussy or his asshole. Oh, I love it when great things happen.

I was not expecting to recognize a name from this bucket tonight, but this young man stole the fucking show last time we were here. How many of you were at last Kill Tony that was here? Well, then I think you're going to be very excited. I do believe this is your very own local hero, Enrique Chacon. Yo, how y'all doing? How you doing? Yeah, so, man, me and my friend Junior were riding our bikes in some ghetto-ass apartments.

And out of the distance, we see, like, eight little black kids. And Junior looks at me, and he's like, no way! And I'm like, oh, man, that means you're a bitch. And I was like, fuck it, man, I'll ride with pussies anyway, you know? So Junior fucking took off. And then the fucking little eight black kids look at me. I'm from El Salvador. I'm feeling like, man, nothing's going to happen to me. fucking took off and then the fucking little eight black kids look at me i'm from el salvador i'm

feeling like man nothing's gonna happen to me and then afterwards man the little black kids are like man get your fat ass out the bike and i'm like man not even my mama talks to me like that you're gonna have to shoot me so they pull out bb guns and then it's like some boys in the hood shit and i'm like fuck this is like the tutorial for the real robbery, man. And then I look at Junior in the distance, and he's like peeking out in the bush. And I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, Junior? Call my fucking brothers, man! Come on! What's up, Tony?

Any more? Is that it? Yeah. Okay, Enrique Chacon, ladies and gentlemen. Houston's very own. Enrique Chacon. How y'all doing? Man, I can't believe you're not the lesbian that folds all the laundry. God damn, yeah.

Look at you. You somehow got younger since last year. Did you have the braces last year too? Hell yeah. Jeremiah said keep the braces. How old are you again, Enrique? I'm 22 now. I was 21 before.

22. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah. That is incredible. How long have you been doing stand-up now? Oh, man.

I think it's like eight months now since you came here. Eight months. Yeah. And you started on Kill Tony, correct? Yeah, yeah. It was my first time. That is so cool. And you've been doing it pretty much continuously since then?

Every week. Every fucking week. Yeah, I can't get enough of it, man. That's what I gotta fucking do. You mark my words, fucking. You're gonna see this kid in the future. This is how you fucking do it, dude. You start at 21, knock it out till 22,

writing about shit that you know about. For sure. So how's your normal life? The fun fact about Enrique, he's not a virgin. Am I right? Have you had sex before? Yeah. Yeah, very good.

What was that? How long did that last? Fuck, man. It lasted like two weeks, but afterwards that bitch broke up with me. You know how it goes. Motherfucker, why you laughing so hard, motherfucker? Dude, you just turned into a black hair. Yeah, you're a black hair.

Motherfucker. I was going to say, who taught you how to speak English? Aphrodite? Come on. All right. He's got the same butt. Yeah, Enrique, you really do have quite a badonkadonka. Show the audience your ass, Enrique.

Look at that thing. Enrique's built like a fucking brick house. Wow. What do you do for work, Enrique? I actually teach at an all African-American school. Is that true? It's a private school. Yeah.

Oh, my God. That's called a jail where I come from. Yeah, man. Oh, my God. That's called a jail where I come from. Yeah, man. Fuck. Wow. In all African-American schools. Is that how they do the schools out here in Texas? Hey, we got our children over here.

You put your children over there. I'm the only Hispanic there, Tony. I have no idea what you're saying Every time you talk You're so excited I don't think you know what you sound like So, all African American school What are you

What, I mean What are you teaching? I'm teaching art classes, Tony Art classes? Yeah I'm teaching these motherfuckers how to paint, you know? That's cool. That's cool.

Wow. Graffiti. Are you a good art? Are you a good artist? Yeah, actually, yeah. That's great. I'll say so myself. Man, you ever have anybody tell you that you look like a bitch?

Man, I have a few times. Actually, fuck. Yeah? What do you do when one of your students acts up when a student acts up I tell them to get the fuck out of my classroom that's what I tell them wow and then they're like man

Mr. Chacon you look like a bitch dog yo fuck you and this class and your fucking braces how often do your students call you the N-word? Man, a few times, man. A few times. What, every hour? Wow.

Enrique, how long have you had that job? Ah, shit, man. It's been like two months with this new job. Two months you've been working there. Wow. How old are the kids? They're like, man, they're like in middle school, man. They're all hormone-induced and shit.

You answer every question like you just took a hit of a joint. Hey, how old are the kids? Man, they're like fucking, man. They're like fucking 14 and 15, man. They're, uh... They're 14, Tony.

14. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. So, Enrique, you're 22. You're in Houston. You're working a real job. Fucking everything's going good. You've never been to an all-female prison before.

No, not yet. What else? What else have you been doing for fun? What else about you, Enrique? What would this audience be surprised to find out about you? Oh, shit, man. I ain't got no papers. I'm a fucking dreamer.

Wow. Yeah. You know about it. Joe knows about it. This man knows about it. We call that a nightmare where I'm from. God damn. Man,

you ever almost get in trouble or anything with that? What happens if you get caught? One time I had to eat three grams of weed, Tony, just so I wouldn't go back to El Salvador. It's fucked up. Is that true? Yeah, it's true, man. And I just had turned 18, so I had to eat that shit quick.

Plastic bag and everything. What I would have given to see three grams of weed stuck in your braces. Jesus, they would get you for possession and trafficking with those fucking things. My God. When did the braces come off, Enrique? Man, I got like maybe six more months that I look pretty. Wow.

Have you ever eaten a girl out with your braces on? Good question. I have. One time I did real bad. You know, I go, and she was like, I think it's the braces. I was like, oh, fuck fuck I blame it on them too

that's my scapegoat Enrique everybody loves your bracial humor man so about six more months you have a girlfriend right now or are you dating I just broke up with a girl. Yeah, you know, man. Hey, let me hit that shit again.

Yeah. Oh, man, I just broke up with her, dude. How the hell did you break up? How does a little boy with braces break up with anybody? How did that happen? Like, look, you know, I feel like we're getting stuck in something that... Like, how close you want to get, you know? That's pretty much it.

At first we were banded together, but now, you know... Why'd you break up? Shit, I guess, like, too many, like, mutual friends. You know how that shit goes. Oh, what are you on, Facebook? The fuck are you talking about? All your friends fuck your girlfriend?

Yeah, no. She pretty much knew too many people. I pretty much knew too many people that knew her. So that compromise. Enrique, you're going to have to start from the beginning again. All right. Why did you break up with this girl? It's clear that she called ice on him, and he's like, you're going to have to start from the beginning again. All right. Why did you break up with this girl? It's clear that she called ice on him, and he's like, you got to go.

You got to be more specific. What do you mean? What did the people know, or what did the people tell you? Don't be shy, Enrique. This crowd wants to know the fucking truth. All right, yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right. Everybody brace yourself, all right? She was, like, way older than me. Like, she was, like, vegan. I wasn't vegan, all right? She was way older than me.

She was vegan. I wasn't vegan, you know? Thank you. There you go. The truth will set you free. That is grounds for execution. Yeah. Well,

Enrique, I just think you're so fucking I think your potential is out of fucking control. You have the most likable goddamn head. You started at 21 on this show, in this room. He's now 22. He's been doing it every fucking week since

then. He doesn't have fucking papers. He's a dreamer and he's living his fucking dream. Fuck yeah! A local hero on Kill Tony, Enrique Chacon. He's on Twitter at WhatChaconDo. W-H-A-T-C-H-A-C-O-N-D-O. There he is, Houston's very own. I'm telling you, that kid's going to be a fucking star.

You're going to say you knew him when he very first started. Enrique Chacon, everybody. Nothing can stop him. If he writes and he puts that fucking Mexican illegal immigrant work ethic to his writing, if he writes like he could be deported at any fucking moment, he's gonna fucking do it, dude. Keep working, someday you could be me.

Okay, this looks interesting. We love one-word names on this show. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Chaffee. Chaffee, oh, right from the front. Here he comes. Chaffee. Oh, right from the front. Here he comes. Here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, Chaffee. One more time for Chaffee, everybody.

What's up, Houston? All right, so a buddy of mine hit me with some bad news today. Said that he relapsed on Popeye's this morning. And terrible, terrible, terrible. So, a buddy of mine also texted me today, do y'all ever get those random texts from your friends saying that they always get new numbers? Well, a buddy of mine hit me with a new one today

saying that this is his seven-finger friend hitting him up. I was like, okay. So I'll call him. And sure enough, it was just him. He had seven fingers. That was terrible. I wrote that better. Wow.

I had that way better in my head. Fuck that up. Terribly fuck that up. Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Hey, Tony. How's it going, Chaffee? How are you?

I'm excited about it. This is the first time we've ever had a candy cane bomb on the show. Yes. I mean, wow. Absolute hot diggity dog shit there, huh? That was terrible, man. That was absolutely terrible. Cowboy Jeremiah? I'm just confused about something.

How is the bottom half of your body dressed like a Caribbean pirate and the top half is dressed like a French mom? I don't get it. It really is. Is your wrestling name Time Bomb? I do not wrestle, no. Wow. All right.

Did you just get off a shift at a U-Haul on a sailboat? No, I actually don't work right now. You don't work? Why is that? I got in a very-Haul on a sailboat? No, I actually don't work right now. You don't work? Why is that? I got in a very bad car accident on April 2nd and broke my neck and my femur, so I'm rehabilitating from that. Wow, wow. Fuck yeah. The car accident, huh?

Man, how bad was it? I ejected from the car about 20 feet. Wow. Were you wearing your seatbelt? No. It wasn't my fault, though. I was asleep. Who doesn't wear seatbelts? It wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault. You were driving the car. I got a question, though. Yes, Cowboy Jeremiah.

When you got ejected from the car, did you look cool doing it? I was asleep. I have no idea. You were asleep, and it wasn't your fault? No, not my fault at all. What the fuck are you talking about, dude? It was some crazy shit. Were you not driving the car? No, I was asleep in the backseat.

You were ejected from the backseat through the front windshield? No, through the actual side windshield. Was the window open? No. Oh, my God. I got pictures and everything. Night time? So it's at night time?

Yeah, this happened at night on Easter. On Easter. Who was driving? This guy that I don't know It was a terrible situation It was like a friend that this guy knew And I didn't know him personally But it was just some shit that happened

I'm okay from it But you're like I'm gonna take a nap in this stranger's car real quick No it didn't happen like that. Wow. So you probably don't even remember the accident. You woke up what? No, I have no PTSD from it whatsoever.

You woke up in the hospital? Yeah, I woke up in the ambulance. My leg was broke. I couldn't feel anything. Red man. I didn't know what was going on. Yeah. It was pretty terrible. What are you doing, red man?

What are you doing, man? Just testing this one. You trying to start that PTSD back up? I see what you're doing. I like that. Man, but I do want to say I had those jokes way better in my head than they came out. Look, look, look. There's no saving yourself now.

I believe it was the great Timbaland that once said the words, it's too late to apologize. Did the driver die? No, dude. I was actually the only one hurt out of everything. Yeah, yeah. There was four people in the car. Oh, my God.

Were you the only one not wearing a seatbelt? No. I think this was a mafia hit. It was terrible. So what were you doing for work before the car accident? I was hanging gutter. I live in Louisiana. You were hanging what?

Gutter. You were hanging gutter. Yeah, working on houses and stuff like that. You know how rain hits a roof and then it will go into that thing that travels. Now I know what the fucking gutter is. I know what the fucking gutter is. And that's where your comedy career is going to be if you ever talk down to me like that again. All right.

Piece of shit. I know what a gutter is. I just didn't know that was a whole job hanging it. Yeah, Louisiana is pretty popular. Jesus. By the way, the whole car accident sounds like an upgrade from hanging gutter. I'll take the broken neck

any day. It probably wasn't even a car accident. He probably just woke up with his pants down and got fucked in the ass. Like, oh yeah, we were in a car accident. What the fuck just happened? What the hell are you talking about? It was pretty weird.

Yeah. Strange situation. Yeah, it is a strange situation. So you're originally from Louisiana, but you live here now? No. Well, I did live here whenever I was three years old for two years. Sure, sure, sure. Do you think that's what I was asking?

No, I live in Louisiana. Yeah, you live in Louisiana. So you probably had a long drive to get here tonight, huh? It was like three hours. Really? We're that close to Louisiana? I gotta get the fuck out of here. Jesus.

It wasn't that bad. I had to come though. It was my first time coming to y'all. I was like, fuck, I gotta come. Hell yeah, you fucking did. Yeah, I came here and I bombed. Chaffee, we knew. Guys. It was awesome. Give it up for him. He survived two accidents

now. So Chaffee, what else? What else are you into? Now that you broke your neck and your femur, what else about you? What else is there? Any other fun facts about you? You come from a weird Louisiana white trash family or anything like that no no long long long family lineage of he comes from something that is my real name though that chaffee is my real first name that's really your first name and you're telling me that you're not white trash

no but i am a junior you're a junior yes your dad's name's chaffy too yes chaffy senior wow chaffy chaffy chaffy yeah uh so uh what is your family like what do they do what does your dad do what's chaffy senior do uh both my parents have passed. Aw, wow. Jeez, that's so sad. How did they die? My mother drank herself to death, and then my father passed away from seizures. Wow, that is no chaffing manner. Matter.

Manner. Fuck, I fucked that up. A little downer right there, but yeah. My mother got trampled to death by horses, and my dad died in a cave with a Chinaman. Hell yeah. Well, that's fun, Chaffee.

How old were you when your parents died? I was 13 when my father and my mother passed away in 2016. Wow. That was hard for you. What was her drink of choice? Was it Zima? She loved Canadian whiskey. Canadian whiskey?

Canadian whiskey. Wow. Crown Royal? No. Crown Royal? Yeah, and VO. Crown Royal and VO. Would she mix it with anything? No. She would just drink it straight. Damn. From the bottle and everything. Damn. Wow. She would go on binginges like for days.

And do what? Like what would she do when she was drunk? Would she still be nice or would she get mean? She would scream and holler in her room. She was an angry lady. Yeah, Canadian whiskey. Wow. That's sad.

It was okay. Wow. It wasn't a bad childhood on my part. She just enjoyed drinking way too much. Is that why you got into hanging gutters was to escape from your mom I hang out on the rooftop my mom's a drunk

it's like one of those things like the little girl Jenny little Jenny in Forrest Gump fly like a bird far far away would you ever go out in the field and do the old prayer hands? Jesus Christ, please save me from my alcoholic parents. Oh, my. No, no, no.

No, never? You never prayed to the old king of imaginations? Not to no imaginations. You never prayed to the old? I don't do that. You watch your tongue there, boy. You never prayed to old Harry Potter Potter Senior up there? I mean if that's your thing I guess you can go ahead and do that

The old fucking wizard In the sky Alright Alright Chaffee well I'll tell you this Man I fucking love your style You drove a few hours to get here And I'll tell you this Everything in your life

has led you to this point right now. Look, if you hadn't gotten into that car accident, how long have you been listening to this show? It's been four months. Four months. So you started listening after that? It's actually been two years. Oh.

So you got into the podcast after the car accident. Yes. Right? And you see that? Now you're here. You got into the car accident, not by an accident, right? Everything happens for a reason.

Yeah. Right? That's why your parents died, for a reason. Yeah. And now you're here, and now you're living. All right, I didn't have time to pre-write this, okay? and now you're living. All right, I didn't have time to pre-write this, okay?

I think Tony is trying to lean into the inspirational music, but it's just getting sadder and sadder. It's just going on. It is. I love that Forrest Gump music. I fucking love it. Whenever I hear it, I feel like I could just go on and on forever, you know? And let's not forget, dude, that it was Chaffee Sr. that gave you that shirt.

Chaffee Sr. Yes. All right. Chaffee! Chaffee! These people love you. There he goes, Chaffee, ladies and gentlemen. Chaffee, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, well. Hey, some people's parents die. It's part of the thing. What time do we start this thing? Hour and 20. Is that true? Mm-hmm. That started two minutes before the episode started?

Yeah. A little less, maybe. Okay. All right. Well, I'll just look at my... All right. You guys want to go to the bucket one more time? Okay. Make some noise for Ben Young, everybody. Ben Young, your final comedian of the night.

Ben Young. Ben Young. Did you say he's smoking? My friend, that means that he is blacklisted. I gotcha. He's smoking, sweetheart. I got bad news for you. This is fucking show business. The train keeps rolling. All right, sweetheart. I got bad news for you. This is fucking show business. The train keeps rolling.

All right, sweetheart. There she goes. Chelsea Peretti, Ben Young's spokesman. Back to her seat. She's like, if Brooklyn Nine-Nine only had fours. I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Don't let it haunt you when you go to sleep tonight. I know it's the last thing people think. Do I really look like if Chelsea Brady was a four? No. They laughed because it wasn't true. I like this name. All right.

Your final comedian of the night. Make some noise for Billy Cox. Billy Cox. Wow, I'm so excited about this. It's going to take a while. A very cool looking wise gentleman just stood up

in the second row. I'm praying that it's Billy Cox. He had to go all the way around, I do believe, to another. Okay, here he comes. There you go. Jeremiah's giving him a hand. Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Cox!

Hey, everybody. Tony and the crew, you've been here a few times. You know what? In an international city, we have very many ethnic communities. I recently went to a new eye doctor. He was Asian. He came in after my exam and said, Mr. Cox, you have a cataract. I said, no, I'm driving the old Buick in the parking lot. So, keeping

with diversity, I'm dating a girl from Palestine. She is beautiful, especially nude. She shaves and leaves a little Gaza strip. But I'm afraid to bring her to Climax because she might blow up. Sorry. And I live in a neighborhood full of people from India. So I decided to open up a used clothing store for the Indian ladies. It's called Who's Sorry Now. Wow.

Is there anything else? It did so well I opened a second discount version called So Wrong But So Right. Wow. That's it. Wow. All written in the last week. Billy, first of all, let me tell you, you are the funniest grandma we've ever had on the show.

Grandma. All right. I fucking love this, man. Tony, I'd like for you to meet my birth father. I love it. I can see the resemblance in the haircut, in the haircut only. Exactly.

Shout out to Jeremiah Wonders. I love that. Hell yeah, Billy. Wow, you are a badass motherfucker. You're here, you're at Kill Tony, showing the fucking range of the fans that we fucking have here. We have badass fucking. Thank you.

How can you mind me asking how old you are? Sixty seven. Sixty seven years old. Thank you. I fucking love it. Underdog the whole way through. Jeremiah. Yeah, I've always wanted to ask this question.

What was it like to work on the atom bomb? Wow. Explosive. I have no good answer. Wow, Billy. That's my father right there. Billy, I fucking love this. You had a great fucking set. A great set.

I mean, you know, you remixed the cataract thing. It's an old thing. Oh, yeah. But, you know, I love your work on all. You're a star of one of my favorite TV shows ever. I don't know if you know that. And? Oh, that's not.

Thank you for being here. All right. Not exactly the version that anybody would recognize. Everyone loves the unplugged version of the Golden Girls theme. Tony? How many versions you got over there? How do you have every other version of the Golden Girls? Thank you for doing comedy.

No. All right. All right. Okay, Brian. Tony, what TV show? I want you to meet the man I buy my underwear from. So, Billy, is that your first time doing stand-up? Yes.

Wow. So cool. Wow. I fucking love it. We have good genes, Tony. What can we say? For those of you listening to the podcast, he keeps putting a chloroform tissue over his nose. And it's like waking salts or something like that.

Bath salts. He's passing away as we we speak and he's waking himself up so billy uh your first time doing stand-up so fucking cool you're 67 what you've been doing your whole life tell us more about you i uh i uh retired at 62 so yeah what you retire from doing uh other than being Jeremiah's barber. I was in the music business. I did radio promotion working with different bands like David Bowie, Elton John, Slipknot. Wow. A lot of crazy different bands. So I would go to radio stations and get the music played, work with the bands when they came through.

That is so fucking cool. I'm pretty sure everyone that worked in radio is retired now. I bet, yeah. Well, the MP3s really knocked us out. The MP3s. When that happened, you know... On a podcast, he comes on and says MP3s really took out the radio business.

Did you buy the MP3 at the technology place? Very good. Red band. So, Billy, what else in your life? Were you ever married? Are you still a virgin? Yeah, I was married for seven happy years, 25 total. She drank herself to death, didn't she?

In the divorce, what? She got the house and you got her haircut? That is so funny because, yeah, I had a beach house in Galveston, so she took that and I took the other. Whoa, a beach house in Galveston. I know. I made the wrong trade. Fuck, yeah. Wait, this is a very Robert Durst situation now that I think about it.

I believe he also lived in a beach house in Galveston for a moment, right? He threw some trash bags out there. I dismember him. What's that? I dismember him. Oh, I see what you did there. Very good, Billy. Have people always told you you're a funny guy? You always do that sense of humor?

Yeah, I've always been the funny guy. You're like that guy that sits at the end of the bar and gives young people good advice and shit. Ha, that's funny, but no, I don't do bars. I like smoking the weed. Yeah. I fucking love this guy. Billy, I feel like you could jump off this stage and crowd surf all the way to the back.

Who wants to help us murder Billy Cox? Billy's a big boy. What are you? 6'1"? 6'2"? 6'3". 6'3"? Wow. I know another guy that's exactly 6'3". Why don't we go nose to nose? You could do it from there, Jeremiah. Back to back, baby.

Look at that Wow My son I love it Man that is so cool Billy Any other fun facts about your life Anything else that you No I play the drums and sax

Oh my god Yeah I play guitar Oh, my God, yeah. I play guitar. Billy, I'm really sorry to break the news to you, but you absolutely have to do a Mexican drum off. No pressure. No pressure.

But you got to do it. I was joking, just kind of a callback, but I play guitar, so sorry. Wait, what? You were what? Oh god damn it well, you know what happens when people lie Did do you actually play the saxophone no I don't thank God cuz a grown man was about to start crying in front of you right now. You're going to bring joy to my eyes. Billy, so you just lied about playing a bunch of musical instruments.

You got me really excited. Any other hobbies or anything from your life that were true, or did I miss anything? Because it all just got clumped up as lies. I love horror films and monster films. Did you say porn films? Horror films. Horror films. Yes, me too. Did you say porn films? Horror films. Horror films. Yes, me too. Did you see the new Halloween?

No. Surprisingly really good. I really liked it. I'm surprised to hear that. Yeah, it was a genuinely good remake, a really good remake. Did you like Rob Zombie's version? Actually, I haven't gotten to see it, believe it or not, even though Devil's Rejects is one of my favorite horror movies of all time.

Yeah. All right. Well, this turned into a real podcast there for a second. I like this guy. Devil's Rejects is one of my favorite movies of all time. Alright, well this was turned into a real podcast there for a second. I like this guy. I feel like I could talk to you forever, man. Well, he doesn't have that much time, Tony. Man, man.

Alright, Billy. Well, I mean, I want to get you out of here on a high high. And, you know, I mean, just fucking so cool to have you. I can't thank you enough. So cool to have you. Yeah, it's amazing to be here. Unbelievable. Thank you, Houston.

There he goes, Billy Cox. Time did we start this show? Fuck me. Is that them? Is that the venue flashing us? All right. Well, we can't do it, guys. I'm sorry.

We have to do a stand-up comedy show that technically is supposed to start in three minutes, and we already did too long of a show, and it goes over, and you got a full show. That's an episode of Kill Tony. That was Kill Tony, Houston, Texas. Don't know what the fuck you guys are mad about.

An unbelievable episode. Thank you to all these great comedians. Billy Cox, fucking Chaffee, Enrique Chacon, Eddie Cantu, Victor Mills, Wendy Cressley, Jesse Lindley, and Dylan Alexander. How about one more time for the great and powerful cowboy, Jeremiah Watkins.

His podcast, Jeremiah Wonders, is a wild success. He's absolutely hilarious. And to make sure you listen to every episode, a new one with, I believe, Tate Fletcher coming out on Monday? No, Joe DeRosa. Joe DeRosa on Monday. Some other big ones coming up soon. Yes.

Yeah, and I have Ryan J. Ebel's original Kill Tony, Kill Texas prints that are available right outside that I'm selling for him, as well as some stickers and some CDs. Come see what's up after the show. Yes, and there's only a few of those posters left. There was only 100 of them ever made. They almost all completely sold out in San Antonio and Austin. There's only 25 left. Yeah, over 25 left, one time only.

We'll sign them for you if you get them. But we have to reload and re-up for an entire stand-up show with all these guys and myself. And, yeah. So if you're coming back for that, congratulations. If not, we'll see you again soon. Thank you so much, Houston, Texas. See you, guys.

We love you. Good night. Good night. Good night.. I'll be there for that too. Hey, can I get a picture with you? Alright. I'll be there for that too. Hello, hey guys, if you have tickets to the stand up show, we still need you to leave the room. So everyone who's leaving, don't let them back in afterwards. There are tickets still to fill for the stand-up show. They're going to be out in the lobby.

I think they're going out there right now.