KILL TONY - KILL TONY #314

Episode Date: December 7, 2018

Luis J Gomez, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Malcolm Hatchett, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 12/03/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866- 531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website deathsquad.tv. There you have all the past episodes including video portions of the show. Also click on

tour dates. Not only do we do the Kill Tony every Monday at the world famous comedy store in Hollywood, we also are on the road. We just announced a brand-new show January 26. We have Kill Tony in Phoenix, a special Kill Tony show there. Go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Go there for everything Golden Pony.

Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode. Check out his website, RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have the official Kill Tony shirt. And you also have all the Death Squad merch, including mugs and hats. Go to ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of kill Tony.

Hey, this is red band. Come to you live from the road. Famous commie store belly room for a brand new episode of kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hello, everyone. We're here. Make some fucking noise.

Come on. We're in the belly room of the goddamn comedy store. Brian Redband is here. Hey, guys. We're live. Are you guys excited for this? You're packed in the fucking attic of the comedy store right now. This is not what we do anymore.

You guys are all way too close for comfort right now. It's weird. The great Ryan J. E. Belt is here drawing tonight's episode while you all sit there enjoying yourselves. He's hard at work. And hello to the, what do we got? Thousands of people, I'm guessing, watching us via YouTube right now. Hi, everyone.

Guys, make some noise for the people watching around the world right now that wish for one moment they could be sitting where you are. Hey, it's the Apollo 13, some of our favorite humans up there. Life is good, Brian. Oh, yes. Yes, perfect timing so far. We are in it to win it.

We are live right now, and we're going on the road. I'm doing stand-up comedy New Year's Eve in Dallas, Texas. I'm also doing this is a fun little announcement. I'm doing Irvine January 3rd through the 5th. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, five shows of the Irvine

Improv. That's me. Then we have breaking news. We are doing a kill Tony for the first ever time ever I get so many requests for this fucking city I believe our good friend Malcolm Hatchet

is going to be very excited because we are going back to his hometown it's Rattling North Carolina January 10th yes that's on January 10th. And then I headline stand-up shows all the way to the 12th there. But Kill Tony, January 10th.

Rallying North Carolina. And then Kill Tony in Phoenix is still on January 26th. And how about one more big breaking news, huh? Yeah, this is an exciting one. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm doing stand-up comedy. Six nights, six shows at the Soho Theater in London, England. Wow, how exciting is that? That's a goddamn world tour if I've ever seen it.

I'm doing stand-up comedy February 18th to the 23rd of 2019 in London, England. And for you Kill Tony fans, keep your ear to the ground. Perhaps as soon as next week, there could be a Kill Tony announcement for London, England. And for those of you that are jealous in Dublin, Ireland, make sure you listen to next week's episode. Don't want to give away anything, but those lucky Irish might have something coming their way.

We are live. We are all slam packed. It sounds a little bit, does it sound a little? Belly roomy? Yeah, no, it sounds worse than belly roomy. Belly roomy? It sounds, my mic? Yeah.

Yeah. Fuck yeah. Hello. That sort of sounds the same. Sounds the same as the broken mic, you unbroken mic. Yeah. All right. Well, okay.

I guess it doesn't matter because it's just a podcast. Hey, Josh, maybe turn it down on your end and I'll turn it up on my end. Yeah. Down, down, down. Check, check, check, check, check, check, check. Fuck yeah. The crazy thing is the adjustment to the bad sound happened after the show started. So it's almost like a knob went the wrong direction.

It's almost getting worse. Are we sinking underwater right now? Slowly, am I losing reception to the belly room itself? Anyway, who gives a fuck, I guess. I guess Red Band's not adjusting any knobs, so I guess there's really just nothing's going to change. I got it. As good as I can on my side.

Let's just swim in shit for an hour and a half, huh? Is there any adjustments happening? Josh, how's it looking back there? Okay, it's looking okay. Okay, maybe turn it up on your side, and I'll turn it down on my side. Yeah, yeah, let's do that for sure. Let's go way up.

Way down. Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up. Okay. Okay. Yes. That sounds better, right? Yes. Hell yeah.

Are you guys excited about tonight? I know I am. God, man, that almost lasted an hour and a half. Wow. I fucking, we did it, guys. I'm excited about tonight's episode. This is truly one of my favorite human beings and comedians as a guest. Oh, yeah, but before we do that, you know, booking guests, it really isn't easy on this show, and I do it every week, and hiring can be pretty time-consuming. You know, you post a job to several online job boards only to get tons of the wrong resumes. Is it happening again with the sound?

Is it me? It's driving me fucking crazy. So how it was before, let's just not touch any knobs after that. Okay. You guys are learning how to work a soundboard here tonight. This is live adjustments. It's fucking happening. after that. Okay. You guys are learning how to work a soundboard here tonight. This is live adjustments. It's fucking happening.

I'm just going to keep talking. Josh, just keep moving things until it sounds good. Did I mention that hiring can be pretty time consuming? You post a job to several online job boards only to get tons of the wrong resumes.

Then you have to sort through all those resumes just to find people with right skills and experience. Those job sites that overwhelm you with the wrong resumes, they are not smart. That's why you should do the smart thing, Tony, and go to ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. Unlike other job sites,

ZipRecruiter finds qualified candidates for you. It's powerful. Matching technology scans thousands of resumes to identify people with the right skills, education, and experience, and actively invites them to apply to your job. So you get the qualified candidates fast. It's no wonder that ZipRecruiter is rated number one by employers in the U.S. This rating comes from Hiring Sites, Trustpilot, with over 1,000 reviews.

Wow, Hiring Sites on Trustilot, with over 1,000 reviews. Wow, hiring sites on Trustpilot with over 1,000 reviews? And right now, our listeners can try ZipRecruiter for free at this exclusive web address, ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. If you love this show, show your support to it and ZipRecruiter by going to ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. That's K-I-L-L-T-O-N-Y. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. That's K-I-L-L-T-O-N-Y. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash KillTony. ZipRecruiter. The smartest

way to hire. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Here we go. This is a fun one. I actually think it sounds better. I like it like this more than how it was before. Did something just change? Whoa! Whoa!

Hello! We had all day to figure this shit out. It seems like it's working and then going away. Alright, well, let's just give the live show a try. So far, I'd say we're batting a fucking thousand. Who else agrees? Who thinks this has been the best

show of their goddamn lives so far? Proof that this show is really live. Not overproduced. Right? This shit doesn't happen at big productions and television tapings. You don't see people going, what's up with the fucking sound? No. This is real, raw, live from the attic of the comedy store.

And tonight's guest is a special one. He's been on the show a bunch of fucking times. We love him. Truly one of my favorite human beings, as I was saying earlier. He is the creator of Skankfest. You know him from the Legion of Skanks. Comedian, fighter, producer. He's taping his special one week from today.

Make some noise for the great and powerful Luis J j gomez everybody wow here he is he's back i'm excited about this and i'm excited about it too whoa the sword is out of its she that's the first time that's ever happened live on the show hell yeah and we have i really want to make a statement and murder an audience member. You fucking almost did it, dude. Holy shit, this mic sounds great, dude. It's pretty fucking incredible. It sounds like we're doing the show

inside of a McDonald's drive-thru. It really does. I mean, it's so unbelievably, unbelievably bad. Josh. Josh Martin. Kill yourself. Is Josh here?

Josh, can we just keep making adjustments to the sound until it sounds good? Until we're talking about something other than the sound? It's getting worse again. Maybe a cable. What about that one? Does that one sound okay? They're all like... We can just pass one microphone.

It sounds really blown out. Wow. It sounds like a bad cable. It's almost mind... I mean, it's like a mind fuck because this is like the show. Look how nice your audience is, too. If this was an audience in New York,

they would have killed Josh Martin already. You'd be a dead Josh Martin. This is, you know, it's one of those things to where we make adjustments on the fly. You know, we've been looking for interns is, you know, it's one of those things where we make adjustments on the fly. You know, we've been looking for interns to, you know, just come out and help us for free. You really do anything.

But hiring can be pretty time consuming. You know that? You know, Tony, if you go to ziprecruiter.com slash kill Tony. Yes. Anyway. I mean, literally, I feel like you could probably get any intern to come in here and say, hey, you know what?

Take a whack at it. And they do a better job. Yeah. A hundred percent. This audio. My guess is that it's my guess would have to be that it's probably one major cable that runs from the board to back there. That would be my guess is is that it's a cable. The board? What are you talking about, the audience?

The guy nodding your head. You know some sound things? Oh, there you go. You know what, I trust you more than anybody else at this point. If you'd like to take a gander at what we have going on. Hey, Josh, would you like me to switch to a different input on this snake here? Does that sound like you're trying to fuck him?

What's that? Which one is it in right now? This is unbelievable. What's happening right now? It's okay. Listen to me. This is fucking Hollywood, California. Do you think every TV shit goes off without a hitch?

The fact that you've never had an issue like this ever before with sound on Kill Tony. It just goes to show we're getting stronger every episode. I love how Ryan J. E. Belt is just drawing us panicking. Wallop. Yep. Everyone's just freaking out in the photo. Furious. That's the funny thing. Ryan J Everyone's just freaking out in the photo. Furious. That's the funny thing.

Ryan J can just draw on. It doesn't matter what the fuck we say, really, at this point. Now I kind of wish I actually killed the audience member. I'm looking at the drawing. The drawing actually has better sound than we do right now. It's the first ever audibly audiobook. Kill Tony. I feel like Ryan and Josh

should switch jobs and see what happens. You know what I should do while we're figuring all this out? I should just bring out the band because fuck it. We just got to keep it rolling. We have a hard out tonight unfortunately. You guys all know the fucking band. I don't need to tell you a goddamn thing.

They're my favorite thing in all of comedy. I see these fucking SNL clips pop up on my goddamn news channels sometimes. And it drives me crazy because I'm literally like, I work with people funnier than this every fucking Monday. And these are the people that I work with. They are truly some of the greatest humans. You know them as the best damn band in the land. It is the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Every week they commit to being different characters. We have no

idea what they're going to be here tonight. They're coming from the back. Oh my goodness. What is this? Whoa. Whoa. Holy shit. Oh my God. I don't know exactly what's happening, but it's sort of scary. Oh, my God.

Wow. This is incredible. Oh, my God. This is so exciting. It appears as if... What the hell is that? This is the hardest thing for me to guess what they are, perhaps

ever. We have what appears to be Bane from Batman's grandfather here leading the band. Hello, who are you? You obviously haven't seen our

film Fury Road. I have no idea what you just said. Somehow your sound was worse than ours. Hey, it sounds great right now. If we hold all... Hey, that guy actually helped. Make some noise. Make some noise for that audience member real quick.

Sometimes you just got to go with your fucking gut. That guy's like, save Josh Martin's job before you guys realize you could hire someone off ZipRecruiter. I'm sorry, we have no idea what you said. Can you repeat it? I said

you obviously haven't seen our film Fury Road. Oh, it's the people from Mad Max. Not two years too soon. They're the bad guys from Mad Max. It's Mad Max, everyone. Okay. Wait, wasn't there the bassist that was on top of the truck?

We couldn't afford him. All right. This is, and clearly we have, what is this? Fucking, I mean, I can't even. You're from Mad Max, too, even though you look like Bob Marley's Mexican nephew on Halloween. We don't have reggae anymore, Tony. Oh, wow. Fuck yeah.

And by the way, I am the one behind the audio issue. Wow. So you guys are all villains from the movie Mad Max. I don't really have a shot at Chris back there. They're really running out of ideas, huh? Wow. No, no. Look at Chroma Chris over there.

Looks like the gay Terminator or something like that. All right, let's have some fun. I'm down for this. Jeremiah? Tea takes it in the tube. All right. For those of you fucking diehard Max Mans. Max Man.

Mad Max fans. That is my name. I. Max Man. Mad Max fans. That is my name. I am Max Man. Okay. Gig it on, gig it on. Okie dokie. All right, and we are back live at Kill Tony in the belly room. I have a bucket filled with comedians' names.

They're scattered all over the comedy store because we are at max capacity here. Did you say max capacity? Wow. I gotta say, the show hasn't even started and that was more impressive than any joke I thought you guys were going to be able to... Already a max joke.

Hey! He's got his breathing tube. This is very impressive. Alright right you guys ready to start this motherfucker or what here we go kill tony live the audience is beat to death already five minutes into the episode you guys know how it works i pull a comedian's name out they get to do 60 seconds of stand-up and then we interview them afterwards find out a little bit more about them you know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. You can barely hear that.

Sound of a kitten. Sure. Wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? We are fucking live as fuck. We figured out the sound. It's all happening.

Here we go Your first comedian performing an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight Goes by the name Of Abel Z? Abel J? Abel J If your first name is Abel

Going to get him This place is out of control right now. He is unable to be here. Thank you. I'll be here all night. Wow. What? How do we know that he's there?

Make some noise for Aphrodite. There she is, everybody. Aphrodite's here tonight. All right, well, this is crazy. Here he comes. Make some noise for Abel, everyone. Here we go. I'm positive of it.

Here he comes. Abel, everyone. Come on, put your hands together all at once for Abel this is the start of the show it's happening alright I'm gonna take a whole you guys know

what's worse than getting caught masturbating when you get caught but you weren't really masturbating. The other day, my dad, he walked in on me in the room. But I was just watching YouTube videos with my legs crossed. And with my headphones on, and I looked towards the door. And it was closing. And I was door and it was closing and I was all like it was closing suspiciously slow so I was like um come in come in you know I have to prove that I wasn't masturbating you know because I wasn't

so you know my dad came in he was was kind of ashamed. I stood up fast. I had basketball shorts. You know, I had to flex. No boner or anything. Holy shit. One more time for Abel, everyone. Abel, let's jump right into it. How old are you?

27. 27. Wow. Okay. I thought I was listening to a 12 year old Talk about jerking off Tony Yes Maxman I find it so inspirational that you escaped from that

Migrant caravan to come do stand up tonight You brought your backpack with you Straight from the schoolyard, indeed. 27 years old. Abel, so when's that story from? You still live with your parents? Yeah. Hell yeah.

That was like a month ago. Wow. Fuck yeah. And you really weren't masturbating? No, I wasn't. I was watching Korean dance, choreography or something. It's probably worse. You should make that part of the joke, by the way.

It is, but I was too nervous. You're 27 years old. What did you look like when you were 14 years old? He's just a fucking sperm. Pretty much. he's just a fucking sperm pretty much so how do you remember that you were watching Korean dance choreography here she is from the Korean dance choreography she showed up

start dancing miss I was watching it for like an hour. Why do you watch Korean dance choreography? Because he's gay. Is that true? Are you gay? No, I'm not. Oh, okay. I mean, it'd be all right if you were.

I know it would be, but I'm not. So is that something you watch a lot? Are you interested in that? Do you know any dance? I do. No, I can't dance. But it's... Can you do anything? Huh? watch a lot. Are you interested in that? Do you know any dance? I do. Oh, no, I can't dance. But, uh, it's... Can you do anything?

Huh? What do you do? Uh, not. Just work. Where do you work? Okay. Where do you work? Amazon Warehouse. Amazon Warehouse. Hell yeah. What do you do there? Uh, correct the inventory. Count it.

I feel like you're lying about everything so far. I feel like you were jerking off the whole time in the bathroom. He's 11. You don't have a job. I believe that you live with your parents still. Hell yeah. So when you're not doing

that, what do you do? You're 27. How long have you been on stand-up for? Three months. This is my second time Same joke This is your first time on Kill Tony, right? First time, yeah You can't say you've been doing stand-up for three months If you've only done it two times

Mexico So the other time was three months ago? Around there, yeah. Yeah, around there. So why are you spacing it out every three months? Excuses. Too nervous. What kind of excuses other than Korean dance choreography?

You're not strong enough. That was a test. You're not strong enough to lift up the microphone. No, I could. No, I got it. Abel, you're 27. Life is easy for you. What do you do for fun? What do I do for fun?

He lifts weights. I just hang out with my friends, I guess. We were here last week. I feel like you have a superpower That you're not telling us about Like you can like move things with your mind or something And you're just like really nervous about Us accidentally finding out about that So you're just beating around the bush a bit

No no I wish I had super powers So what do you do for fun? For fun? Again? Jerk off to Korean dance video. I just hang out with my friends. Just hang out with your...

What do you do when you're with your friends? This is like when I asked you, what do you do? And you're like, I just work. They all pile on top of each other's shoulders and form one full-size person. They probably actually work pretty well

working at an Amazon warehouse. I'm sorry. What do you do with your friends? We go to comedy shows, I guess. We were here last week. You go to comedy shows? Yeah. You come here?

Yeah. You went to this show last week? Yeah. Did you sign up last week? Yeah. What were you going to talk about had you gotten up? Same thing.

Same thing, yeah. When you did it three months ago, did that set go well for you? Yeah. What were you going to talk about had you gotten up? Same thing. Same thing, yeah. When you did it three months ago, did that set go well for you? Yeah. Where was that at? At a bar in Riverside, Worthington's. Uh-huh.

How long was that set? It was like, it went for like two minutes. You did a two-minute long set somewhere else. Yeah. What was the other minute about? It was the same joke,

just a lot of stuttering. A lot of stuttering? That's hilarious. See, you got something in you. Yeah. Abel, you are something else. What do your parents do? My dad, he drives a bulldozer. Your dad drives A bulldozer

Your dad drives a bulldozer Yeah yeah Abel is a liar Yeah There's something going on I don't know what it's called A bulldozer I think He just says

Would he like to join my army I can't believe I can't believe I can't believe it So what about your mom Stay at home mom You always laugh Like you're about to say something interesting And then you don't

Wait till you get a load of this She is a stay at home mom My mom works at Jack in the Box. I just... I interrupted at the perfect time because that was actually the most interesting answer you've given

to this whole interview. Does she ever bring anything home, like any sourdough burgers or anything? No, look at him. He doesn't eat. this whole interview. Does she ever bring anything home? Like any sourdough burgers or anything? Tacos. No, look at him. He doesn't eat. Mijo, te traje Jack in the Box? Te tiene hambre

aquí tenemos Jack in the Box. How long has she worked at Jack in the Box? Used to be a Jack in her box. How long has she worked there? five or seven years

okay okay okay she likes that one how long has she worked there? five or seven years around there five or seven years there is no number in between the two it is either five or seven there is no chance it was six

zero chance that was six. Zero chance. That was never one of the options on the multiple choice. It's almost an anomaly. You think it's got to be one or the other. Do you ever park in the handicapped parking at Jack in the Box? And when someone questions you about it, you say, I am no longer able. I am disabled.

I am no longer Abel. I am disabled. Wow. Fury road over there. It's happening. All right, Abel. Immortum Joe is my name. All right. So, Abel, I mean, I don't know what to tell you, dude. You're fucking, you're only doing it,

you're doing it once every three months and your time has been split by 50% since the first time you did it. I guess another three months from now we can probably catch you doing 30 seconds. We listen to you, you know, record all your sets and definitely listen to it off, like not on a bridge or anything but listen to it

like in bed, right before bed yeah, don't listen to it off a bridge or it'll probably sound like the audio that we have in this room right now some of that bridge audio alright, well Abel congratulations, you fucking got pulled up tonight take your backpack and your little All right. Well, Abel, congratulations. You fucking got pulled up tonight.

Take your backpack and your little baby head and body and get out of here. There he goes. Abel, everybody. Abel, make some noise for Abel. It's happening. This is the livest show on the planet. Live as fuck. With the cast of Mad Max Fury Road.

Oh, hey! We know this guy. This guy's Irish. I'm pretty sure he's leaving for Ireland this week or something like that. Make some noise for Aaron McCann, everyone. Aaron McCann. Is Aaron around here? Somebody tell Aaron McCann he's up.

Oh, this is hilarious. This is like the funniest thing we've ever done inann he's up. Oh, this is hilarious. This is like the funniest thing we've ever done in this show's history. Is he? Yeah, but you just gotta wait more. Hell yeah. The show's just grown out of this room. I want to thank you guys for being here tonight in the belly room of the Comedy Store. We usually do it in the main room now, which makes it

easier for us. But now we're trying to do, this is like we've, this is like this is like trying to perform heart surgery in the belly room. Hey, here he is. It's Aaron McCann, everyone. Holy

fuck, I am out of breath. How are you lads? Terrible body posture. How's it going? Guys, I am out of breath. How are you lads? Terrible body posture. How's it going? Guys, I'm drunk. No, I'm not drunk. I'm still hungover. You know, still very hungover from last night.

I went to a music festival and I got offered drugs for the first time at a music festival. And it was Adderall. Now, you haven't ever heard of Adderall from Northern Ireland, right? And I said to my friend, what is Adderall? From Northern Ireland, right? And I said to my friend, what is Adderall? And he said, bro, this will make you focused as fuck. And I was like, oh,

that's the top 20 last things I want to be at a music festival is very focused. This is a $270 fucking distraction from how shit my life is, right? So I took the Adderall, obviously, and didn't enjoy any of the music festival, was sitting counting the amount of bulbs and the fucking stage lights, and I was just all hyped up, being like, someone give me a fucking spreadsheet, or give me a fucking riddle or something, hickory dickory fucking doc.

And then I went home that night, I was still in Adderall, my girlfriend, we were having pillow talk, she's like, tell me what you like about me. And I was like, I love the way your fucking 32nd freckle on your right cheek is Adderall left adjacent to the 19th freckle. Thank you. Wow.

There you go. Aaron McCann. Hell yeah. You did it. Yeah. It's a fun set. Yeah. You're Irish as fuck.

I am very Irish. Still Irish. Still Irish. Say January. Say January. Say January. January. It's awesome every goddamn time, isn't it? I hate it.

That kills. I fucking hate it. I don't know why. If I were you, I'd have a one-hour special where I just repeat the word January the whole fucking time. Lewis, is this the most Irish guy you've ever been around? No, I live in New York. There's a lot of Irish people around.

You must admit, he does sort of look like your pal Michael Bisping if he was stung by a thousand bees. Yeah, you're definitely pasty and bulbous. Oh, yeah. But you were funny, very funny. I like it. The material is good. I'm currently on Adderall, so I'm really...

Amazing. I'm connected with everything you're saying right now. Here's my problem, though. I don't know if he actually has charisma or if I'm just an ignorant American and I'm just charmed by that fucking shitty accent. When I hear it, I'm like, ah, just talk more. Come on, man. Yeah. Hey, what's the month

after December again? January. Ah, you motherfucker. I just came in my pants. Ew. So, Aaron, you have to go back to Ireland soon, is that right? I'm flying back 9am tomorrow. 9am tomorrow. I actually knew this because you tagged

me in a tweet or something like that. He blocked you afterwards. Yeah. I refuse to acknowledge your fucking sad existence. Where do you go back to? Where in Ireland? I'm from a small town called Oma, just outside of Belfast. So I'm way up north.

How far is that from Dublin? It's like two and a half hours. Oh, yeah. How many hours metric, though? Have you ever had a bublin in your Dublin? Are you sad to go back? Do you want to go back? No, I don't want to go back at all.

I want to go back, see my family, friends, but I want to stay out here and do stand-up. But because of green card restrictions. Green card restrictions. That's what it is, right? I got to go back, see my family, friends, but I want to stay out here and do stand-up. But because of green card restrictions. Green card restrictions. That's what it is, right? I got to go back. You have to. They're kicking the fuck out. I'm done.

You think they will? Build that wall. I should probably be here right now. Build that wall. Build that. Get the fuck out of my country, bitch. I love saying that to a white person. It's my most favorite thing in the world.

The fuck out of my country, immigrant. I am literally fucking off tomorrow. Fucking off. Is it hard to do stand-up in Ireland? Is there places to go up? There's not a big scene, no, but it kind of helps the comics there in terms of there's the double mic scene

and then the scene of, I guess, paid regulars, but there's six of us. But it works out well. You can go across to Edinburgh, do the festival there. How long have you been doing stand-up now? Six years. Six years. How many metric?

They stopped me from telling my joke. I am at it again. So that's fun, Aaron. What were we going to say, Louis? Bad joke. Yeah. Well, Aaron, so you're going to be in Dublin, Ireland about the second week of February?

I will. I will indeed, yeah. Well, I'm not supposed to legally announce it until next week, but I will let you know that we don't have an exact date yet, but we are going to do a Kill Tony live in Dublin, Ireland the second week of February.

How would you like it if instead of signing up for the bucket, I just threw you up for a minute on that show, huh? Tony, Aaron McCann with a guaranteed spot on the Dublin's Killtone. I don't like how you just squealed like a girl. You should fucking kill yourself for just, like, he's fucking Elvis.

You're like, oh, oh, really? It's a big deal. I've been a fan of the show for a while, so I used to listen to this podcast when I worked a shitty internship job in Belfast, like a newspaper agency. I just, like, binged the show. a shitty internship job in Belfast at a newspaper agency and just binge the show and to come out here in LA from a small village in Ireland do the fucking show not once but four times

and then for that to happen, that's some false information. Oh, you just made it gayer. Somehow. Tony, this guy's career is doubling in size. Wow. There you go. The luck of the Irish continues. Wow. There you go. The luck of the Irish continues.

Unfortunately. How many of you could understand what Jeremiah said there by round of applause? Wow. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. I don't care whether you peasants can understand me or not.

Where I come from, water is gold. Oh, my God. Now you're joining in on this chaos? What was that? All right, Aaron, we'll see you. Have a nice flight home. He's off to Dublin tomorrow morning. We'll see you there, Dublin, Ireland. Aaron McCann. He's. Have a nice flight home. He's off to Dublin tomorrow morning. We'll see you there.

Dublin, Ireland. Aaron McCann. He's on Twitter at McCannMan. M-C-C-A-N-N. M-A-N. One more time for Aaron, everybody. There you go. He gets a guaranteed spot in Dublin, Ireland.

All the Kill Tony fans there will get to see their very own Aaron McCann. That'll probably help him in some way. All right, we know this guy. He's been on the show a few times. Make some noise for Matt Borges, everyone. Matt Borges. There he is. He's right here.

One more time for Matt, everyone. What's going on, belly room? It's crowded up in here. This weekend I went to a progressive gender reveal party. And the kid was 15. They had a party before the child was born, but they called it a genitalia reveal party. I couldn't go to that one.

I didn't want my name on that guest list. So this is the belly room, I guess. Yeah, that's all I got. Wow. Let's just all kill each other together tonight should we what do you guys say should we how many of you

how many of you want to be part of the biggest mass suicide ever huh who's with me no alright Matt that was an interesting set you look like you would be the most Irish guy on stage tonight. Hard Irish.

Quarter Irish. Quarter Irish. Okay. All right. So, Matt. Matt, if you're here, who's out there being John Bonet's real killer right now? What's going on? Somebody's holding that spot for me.

Matt, how do you look like the entire cast of Dog the Bounty Hunter in one person? You look like Dog and the little boy, mashed together with a little bit of the mom's tits. You know what I mean? You don't really have tits. Mom, when she lost weight. Oh, I see what you did there. I am not amused.

So, Matt, what happened? Weird night. Just kind of threw me off and then... Did you have another joke or was that it? And you just thought it would be... It completely went blank when I walked up to the stage and that was when I thought of it, so I just put it out there. What were you trying to talk about?

I really... You don't even know? No. Just a joke I thought of at a gender reveal party, so I just thought of that joke. Oh. Huh. I just don't believe that anyone would invite you near

their baby. I don't suggest it. Did you get invited to a gender reveal party? Yeah. Did you go? Yeah. Was you really 15 or her or whatever? No, that was just a joke. But what was the gender reveal party really Yeah. Did you go? Yeah. Was you really 15 or her or whatever? No, that was just a joke. But what was the gender reveal party really like? They just...

Hot. So like you walk into the party, what's the first thing you see? There was just food everywhere. The kids, they had a... I don't know if it was a pumpkin or something with a fox cut into it. A fox got into a pumpkin? Because their last name is Fox.

So they had a fox thing and they lit off a thing that blew up and it let the color go. Hell yeah, this is a real fucking white trash party going on here. Hey, grab the fireworks! Put it in the fox pumpkin! Were these people you were hanging out with, did they look like you?

All white powery and shit? No, it was a mixed race couple. Mixed race? He went there to break it up. Wow. Did they reveal the race of the baby? Jeremiah. How does this guy look like

Al Bolin from Tool Time and Steven Seagal at the same time? That's a good question. That's incredible. Matt, you've been on the show... In the future, those are classic shows. Okie dokie. So the mixed race gender reveal party,

is it the black dad, white mom, white mom, black dad? No. White dad, black mom. Whoa, that never happens. Wow, that is interesting. You went there to see if it was real. You're like, this never happens. I'm going to show up and see if it happens.

That is extinct in the future. Man, how do you know them? They're my girlfriend's cousin. Girlfriend's cousin. Are you dating a black woman? No. Oh, wow. How dare you?

You said that so quickly. I'm looking at the Apollo 13 up there. It's just a fact. Whoa, wow. Everything you say sounds so racist, man. Have you ever dated a black woman? Have you ever dated a black woman? Have you ever dated a black woman? I've been on a date

Not dated But I've been on a date with You've been on a date with a black woman It was a blind date And when she showed up he left Oh yeah You got Okay the laugh sort of cuts off though

Okay I get it The whole rhythm thing of the thing What is rhythm? How did the date go? Was she a hot chick? Yeah, she was a friend, and then we went to one wedding. This was a long time ago. You went to a wedding together?

Nice. Did you hook up? No. You didn't make out with her? No. You never even hooked up with a black chick? No, I haven't. You are really racist.

Then who braids your hair? I see a white woman. What did you do on that date? Did we ask you that? What did you do on the date with the black woman? We just went to a wedding. Oh, just a wedding. It wasn't a white wedding.

She was a friend. That's an interesting first date, the just went to a wedding. Oh, just a wedding. It wasn't a white wedding. She was a friend. That's an interesting first date, the old go to a wedding. It wasn't like a... I mean, it wasn't... All right. We were friends, and then she asked me

if I wanted to be her date for the wedding. Man. I wonder why she... But how did she say it? I love how the black chick in the corner, she's like,

that's not a date, motherfucker. She wasn't trying to fuck you. She wanted you to pay for the fucking wedding date. Well, Matt, I mean, you forgot what you were not talking about here tonight. What's the brownest woman you've had sex with? What race was she? Is it browner than Joel?

No. Italian. Italian. Wow. That is? No. Italian. Italian. Wow. That is real racism. Man. He considers Italian brown. Man, well, your set tonight was just okay, KK.

My God. Have you ever had sex with a mud woman before? It's a Dominican. It's just a white woman that is covered in mud because she is so poor in the future and cannot afford the sweat and tears of the water. He's starting to get it. All right, there he goes.

Matt Borges, everybody. There goes Matt. Zip Recruiter. Fuck yeah. Just start writing jingles for them to make up for the okie dokie. Oh, Jeremiah. One more time for the band, everybody. Jeremiah Chromacris.

A mortem, Joe. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Okay, this looks like a, this actually sort of sounds familiar. Make some noise for Jonathan Hinton, everyone. Jonathan Hinton. Let's see what happens here. Maybe a, is he coming? He's coming.

Can I get another Maker's Rocks from the waiter? Maker's Rocks? Maker's Rocks. Somehow. He's got that. I love that somehow Aphrodite has become the middle woman in all of this. He ain't coming, motherfuckers. He's on his way.

Yeah. How about a hand for Aphrodite? 62 years old, helping out. Wait, hold on. Everybody stop. Wait, wait. He's not here. Blacklisted.

He just got blacklisted. Man, that list is so black that Matt Borges burns it on his front lawn while lighting crosses on fire. I don't know. All right. How about Jane Johnson? That sounds like a fake name. Jane Johnson. Jane Johnson.

Why don't we do like an on-deck circle perhaps? Because this is... Let Cole Alexander know he's next. Wow, she's really coming, ladies and gentlemen. You're here, live. Jane Johnson, everyone. Here she comes. It's got to be her first time on this show.

I'd remember a name like Jane Johnson. You're right. It's not a fake name. I'm Jane Johnson, which is the most basic name ever. Thank you, guys. Oh, man. I'm so basic. I love Whole Foods, right?

Because I love the bulk bins at Whole Foods, right? It's the mecca. Like, every time I'm there, last time I was there, I just shoved coconut chips in my mouth, like deep-throating coconut chips, okay? Like almonds, not peanuts, because I have a food sensitivity, right? And I'm just like shoving chocolate in my face, like, you know, because I'm vegan, and I get naughty sometimes.

And then I'm sitting there, and I see a sign that says no grazing. And I'm like, that can't be because of me. Then I look over, and I see a security camera, and I'm like, oh can't be because of me. Then I look over and I see a security camera and I'm like, oh shit, you know what this means? They have my food porn tape. Thanks. They have my food porn tape and I think about it and I'm like, holy shit, my career's over.

And then I'm like, you know what? Kim Kardashian got famous for eating chocolate. Why can't I? Okay. Okay. If you were sick of the racist jokes from before, you're going to love what happens here. All right, Jane. Tony, you are herding cattle here downstairs.

Oh, I am? Yeah. You know what? You know what? You almost successfully just changed the subject off of that set that you just had. But anyway,

Jane, so this is your first time on the show? It's my first time on the show. So the answer to that question was yes? The answer was absolutely yes. She repeats everything you say. It's a warm room here, you guys. After my set, it's warm.

Ugh. What? I don't know what she is, but it's awesome. Whatever it is. Louis, this is what they call vegan. This is a live vegan out in the wild. Yes. That

has a vitamin imbalance, and you're just repeating things that you're hearing because your brain isn't functioning at its highest levels. My brain isn't functioning at its highest level. I take a lot of supplements, Tony. Yeah, that's what all the vegans say. You should try the supplement called steak. It helps your brain perform.

You need animal fats to do that. Jeremiah. This woman would not last half a mile on Fury Road. No. Not with your almonds or your buttercups, Mrs. Jeremiah, I've been abroad,

and I fucking laughed. I know you are abroad. I fucking lasted. And call me Immortum Joe by my real name. Pardon me. We weren't able to watch from wherever we're herded. It's alright. She's furious that she can't watch.

You're lucky in the future you would be one of my slaves. Wow. So, Jane, how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing stand-up for over a year. No way. Over a year. And your last time on stage?

My last time on stage was just the other day. Oh, my God. She looked at me like that came out of my saxophone. Oh my god, what? I love that she got mad at the band. I can't even hear anything you're saying. The sound quality of... The sound quality is a little rough.

No, that's just the sound of her voice. My voice is rough. Jane, you don't have to respond to everything that we're saying. You're really getting stuck in the middle here. I'm stuck in the middle. It's a fucking interactive show, you guys. Jane, also, you're weirdly just smiling the whole time. It's fucking me up.

She doesn't stop smiling. We're smashing you. We hated it. Stop smiling. Oh, I don't stop smiling? Look, she's still smiling. How could I possibly stop smiling? Oh, my God.

Jane, you might be one of the most unlikable people we've ever had on this show. Oh, my God. It's okay, though. It's okay. Tony. Tell us something. Jane, don't you fucking try. I would not enslave this one.

Okay. Jane, tell us something about you that is like a redeeming quality. Something that will help us like you more. Because I'll be honest with you, I've never seen once someone says that they're vegan, like everything always goes downhill after that. I know. By the way, I was a vegan comedian for almost

five years. It was the worst. At one point in my life, yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. And yet you're here bashing it. What changed it for you? The fact that I got more vitamins in my brain. I work continuously now. I'm going to fucking London, England, you crazy bitch. It's not dying anymore.

What do you mean that changed it? I lived in England for three years. Does that redeem anything? No, it doesn't. No, that's where you're supposed to be. You're white. You paid to be there. I'm getting paid to be there. Does that make sense? I didn't pay

anything. When Tony was vegan. I just was there. How were you there? How the fuck did you just end up there? Because I was a young girl and I didn't have to pay anything. Oh my god. That was a pedophile stripper joke for those of you that...

How were you there? Your parents took you there. Yeah. I had a British accent. Mommy, daddy. Mommy, daddy. How old are you now? Now I'm 27.

Cool. What do you do for work? Yuck. I teach yoga. You do? Mm-hmm. How long have you done? Now I'm 27. Cool. What do you do for work? Yuck. I teach yoga. You do? Mm-hmm. How long have you done that for? This year.

Just this year? Yeah. Vegan and yoga. What were you doing before that? Before that, I was working in advertising. Oh, okay. How has it been your- What were you advertising? What was I advertising?

The Depends that you wear. Oh, shit. You shit your pants, bitch. You just hit a guy in his early... Okay. You just hit a guy in his early 20s on a you be shitting yourself joke. Wow. I would like to fight this girl to the death.

Let's do it. Oh, maybe it's because he is young. Is that why? Because he's young. You asked me what I advertised. I'm just curious now why you used a Depends joke on Joel Jimenez. You actually advertised Depends. Kimberly Clark, family of brands.

Huggies, good nights, pull-ups, Depends. Wow. But why did you use that against me? You should have used your Background working with Depends To help with your shitty set tonight Oh my god Literally you guys

Because it was tough for us to absorb all I know Honestly I'm not set up for success in this scenario I'll be honest Honestly... Look, Gina... I'm not set up for success in this scenario. I'll be honest. It's funny because two comedians before you did just fine.

That's not true. That's not true. Aaron McCann... That's not true. Borges, that white supremacist, he ate his dick off. Holy shit, dude. I feel like he's going to go shoot up a black church now.

You should have laughed at his jokes. We just killed a bunch of people in the South. Aaron McCann had a good set, and the person that signed up and didn't show up for their set technically had a good set. Technically better than you, without a doubt. So it would have been better if I got blacklisted. No, no, no.

It's good. This is what's great about the show. Sometimes people's first impressions are fucking horrible, and that's what makes it cool when they come back again yeah you put the horror and horrible here's and fans listen to me listen to me just just just listen yeah and then the fans of the show remember like oh my god i listened to that when i was back in fucking missouri i can't now i'm in la watching the show and that chick had a redeeming fucking set because she didn't quit. She wrote. She went and performed a lot and she just did. It was maybe a different

crowd, different night and that makes the storyline that much more interesting. What could have happened is you could have had your first time on this show. It could have gone fucking bonkers and bananas and amazing and then you could have tried that minute next time and it would have fucking sucked and then you'd be on a downswing. So you need to look at it as a positive.

You're set up for success. It's on you. And your storyline here at Kill Tony has begun. Now, hold on, hold on. It's also none of that is probably going to happen. And you're too hot. You're too cocky. Is this your dream?

You want to be a stand-up comedian. It's your dream. If you could choose one thing, a genie comes in here right now, he says you get one fucking wish, you have to do what you want to do for the rest of your life. What do you choose?

I've got the bug, dude. You have AIDS? Dude, that's a... That's an HIV positive. Jeremiah. Is that what that fucking means? HIV positive? Yeah.

Bug chasers. Yeah, it's a whole thing. It's a subculture in the gay community. It means I have life. We know you've got the bug. That's what vegans end up eating. Yeah. That's what we end up eating.

All right, Jane. We don't want you to quit comedy. We just want you to make sure that you're just breathing and listening and absorbing it all. You know what I mean? Flappers has comedy classes. Do you? Let me ask. Red band.

Oh, my God. Come on. Don't tell people that. Jesus Christ. Don't tell people that. The fuck was I going to say? Do you not, just out of my own curiosity, do you not eat meat because you love animals? Is that the thing?

I do love animals. It's an animal thing. Have you ever tried... How long have you been vegan for? I literally started being vegan this year. Ew. Less time than you've been doing stand-up? What? You have less experience being vegan

than you have being a stand-up? I've changed so much shit this year. I hate you so much. What happened a year ago that you decided to go vegan and yoga at the same time? What happened? Was it a breakup? Boyfriend? I've been doing yoga for like 15 years.

Oh. Yeah. You just started teaching it. My whole life. I just started teaching it. And then, you know, once you're in the cult, they just get you with all of it. Make you be vegan and all that shit. If you had to give up one thing, yoga or stand-up,

what would you give up? Oh my God, that's terrible. What? That's seriously terrible. You even have to consider it? I couldn't give up either of them. You don't want to be a stand-up. You want to be a fucking yogi.

Admit it. That's not true. Admit it! Why can't people be multi-hyphenate? You cannot be. There are no funny yogis. I promise you. There's not a single yoga instructor out there

who's like, this shit's fucking hilarious. I'm going to prove you wrong. You need to quit yoga. I'm telling you right now, you need to quit being a yoga instructor if you want to be a stand-up comedian. Okay, Tony told me I just need to breathe and be present. That's why yoga helps. No, no, no.

I think... I actually think you might be a little bit like over-present, and I don't think that it... I don't think that... Over-present? Yeah, you are. You've responded to everything. Even when I said... Ten seconds after I said, I think you need to

listen and breathe, you giggled, and then the next thing I started saying, you started interrupting. Immediately. It was literally like 15 seconds after I said, I think you need to listen and breathe, you giggled. And then the next thing I started saying, you started interrupting. Immediately. It was literally like 15 seconds after I said listen and breathe, I started saying something else. And you were talking over me. So I think that you're overly present. Overly present. Again, you just did it again.

You don't even hear yourself, do you? Tony, can I ask another question that's kind of related to something you asked earlier? Yes. So we asked you earlier, what's a redeeming quality about you? What's the yourself, do you? Tony, can I ask you another question that's kind of related to something you asked earlier? Yes. All right, so we asked you earlier what's a redeeming quality about you. What's the worst thing about you? Good question. Oh, my God, the worst thing about you. Tell us something that'll make us hate you.

Let's go full WWF heel right now. You just repeated it again. No, by the way. I feel like the fact that I'm vegan makes you hate me. No, no, no. What is a terrible thing about you? What is something that's fucking awful about you that you consider bad? Yeah.

I don't. Yeah, you do. You don't think anything's bad. I just feel like all the bad shit is like a good thing. You know what I mean? Like I'm sober. Some people could think that's shitty, but some people could think that's a great thing. You.

What do you think is bad about you? I don't even know. What do you think is bad about you? Go ahead, Lewis. Shall I present this scroll? I mean, I could give you a fucking laundry list. My love

handles, my anger problems, my dead mom, the fact that I don't... Don't touch the talent. The fact that I have a boner now because you touched me. Step away from the talent. I have a rapey thing about me. I would like you to join my army, Louis Jacobs. All right, we got to keep it moving.

There goes Jane Johnson, everybody. Jane Johnson, come on. Make some noise for everyone. I know you hate her, but you can clap it moving. There goes Jane Johnson, everybody. Jane Johnson, come on. Make some noise for everyone. I know you hate her, but you can clap your hands. Namaste, bitches. Namaste. She's going to prove us wrong. Thank you.

I'm going to leave now. You're the first person in 311 episodes to say, I'm going to leave now, just to let you know. Little Miss, hi. Seth, I'm overpresent. I'm going to leave now. Can I get a Maker's on the Rocks from a Waitstaff member? We're going to do Maker's Rocks on a Crown and Coke.

You got that, my friend? Thank you so much. Could I get some melted aluminum, please? I love this. This is definitely a new name. I'm excited to see what happens here. I love three. This is definitely a new name. I'm excited to see what happens here. I love three-word names. Make some noise for Reverend Johnny Stewart.

This sounds very exciting. Somebody please tell me Reverend Johnny Stewart is here somewhere. I need him. My brothers are reverend. What's the Aphrodite report? The police have him? Come on, Aphrodite. No jokes.

Jesus Christ. God, I scared the fuck out of me. I just remembered that I pulled a name before that that was on deck, so Reverend Johnny Stewart will be next, and right now we're going to go with Cole Alexander. Here he is. All right. My name is Cole. I'm not really an alcoholic. I just like playing

drinking games. Look, you guys probably know my favorite drinking game. It's really fun. It's where you try to stay in your own lane on the freeway. Look, I'm not very good at it, but I'm putting the work in, you know? I'm almost to my 10,000 hours. There is one drinking game I fucking hate with all my heart, but for some reason my friends love it and they make me play it every time I'm with them. It's such an easy game. All it is is we all get in a circle

and then they all tell me how my drinking hurts their lives. Are you guys even my friends? Do you even know what I'm about? We're not even drinking during this game. What the fuck is wrong with you? I have a gay friend. Fish? Yeah, finish it. But

apparently that does not mean I'm allowed to say the N-word. Okie dokie. Don't finish it. Don't finish it. Jesus. Wow. Okay.

So you drink a lot. Yeah. Is that true? Yeah. I mean, I've done I'm not an alcoholic, but I've done some things I regret. Joel Berg. Cool. Would you mind talking about a situation that happened to you in Las Vegas because of drinking? Wait, what?

Yeah. Wow. I guess we're going to get some. This must be really good. He's like, one time I fucked the drummer of the Kill Tony band, and man, it was crazy. Go ahead. Tell us what happened in Vegas. God, I wish that's what happened. And Joel, if he misses anything, feel free to jump in. Tell us what happened in Vegas.

Joel, if he misses anything, feel free to jump in. Yeah, you've heard it. All right. So it was about a year ago. Yeah. I went to Vegas alone on a Monday. I was going for like a gambling vacation. And then I ran out. Addiction.

You're addicted to gambling? Make some noise for one of the best comedians, one of my favorite humans, Josh Martin, everyone. There he is. So you're addicted to gambling? Yeah. How much money were you going to Vegas with on this trip? I think I brought about 400.

400, wow. All the way to Vegas. 400. Yeah. Wow. All the way to Vegas. 400 fucking bucks. Yeah. You were planning on just fucking tripling up and fucking making it happen. I had high hopes. I know you did. So one more question.

How did you get there? You drove yourself? Yeah. Well, yeah. I drove myself, got gas when I showed up to the city in case I had no money to fill up. I was like, fuck, I'm down to $370. Good fucking move. Okay, so here we go.

I ran out of cash at like 4am but I still had my credit card so I ordered a hooker from a website. What website? I wish I knew. What website? What credit card? Where did you find this website at?

Safari. Safari? You just typed in Hooker Vegas? Cool, cool. And it was the first one? Thank you, Safari. What was Officer What? This hooker was a real animal.

I just Googled cheap escorts near me. Get the fuck out of here. You searched for cheap? It's legal in Vegas. So how much money did you have on your credit card? Yes, it is. I don't know, but it was over the max by about a hundred bucks

when I left. You're also like hammered out of your mind at this point, right? Oh yeah, I was blackout drunk at this point. But yeah, so I ordered her. I thought Did you get to pick her? Yeah, yeah. What was she like? She was, for the rate, so I ordered her. I thought, like, for. Did you get to pick her? Yeah, yeah. What was she like? She was, for the rate, she was pretty attractive. Wait, wait.

What was the rate? Like, 60 bucks? Something like that, yeah. Oh, my God. 60? I remember seeing her. I mean, like, I can afford that. And, like, okay.

But you couldn't even afford it. You overdrafted. Well, yeah. A $60 hooker, doggy. It ain't worth it. Well, yeah, it's because I forgot I had cash advanced on my credit card in the casino. Oh, my God. Wow.

Okay, so go ahead. You order a $60 hooker. Yeah, and then she shows up to the room, and the first thing she says was, you know I'm a guy, right? No. You know I'm a dude. Oh. Oh, shit., you paid double.

What's up? See, you paid double. Yeah. Talk about over-draft. Well, no, I didn't really. I was like, I asked her if she had a dick because I was hoping for the best, but she was like, yeah, I do.

She's like, you're sucking it. Jeremiah. And you said trans action denied. Boom. Jeremiah motherfucking Watkins is here. Damn right, baby. That's how it's done in the pros. So you ask her if she has a dick.

She's like, yeah, dude, I'm a $60 hooker. Of course I have a dick. And then what happened? Well, I paused for a little bit. The old pause where you know you're about to suck a dick for the first time. That I'm about to fuck a dude pause. What up? Pure, pure, pure, pure, pure.

Just pulled the rest of the fucking thing. You're nobody till somebody fucks you. Was this a white guy? No. What? You think so? You were blackout drunk, but were you in black drunk? Smarter than it is funny.

On paper, it's hilarious. I know. She was white, I think, brunette. You think? Hell yeah. She's got a dick. Who cares at this point? Oh, man.

White trannies are not hot at all. No. You got to get a Puerto Rican tranny or an Asian tranny. You're not fucking white tranny. She's got some knuckle hair. Yeah. Yeah. Good to use the advice then.

Yeah, doggy. We've all been there. It's all good. So then what happens? There's a pause. We're coming back from the pause right now. Here we go. Here we go.

The meat and potatoes of it all. Mostly meat. Yeah. Come on. Hit us with it. I was like, fuck it. I'm drunk. I'll take a blowjob.

You're damn right. So then what happened? 2018. Don't be fucking transphobic. So this dude that was supposed to be a chick in your mind is sucking your dick for 60 bucks, and you're like, hey, maybe I'm not a loser after all. So then what happens?

Keep it going, Cole. Well, like I said, I was blackout drunk, and I really didn't want to look down in case I saw a dick that wasn't mine. Right, and the last thing you want is to see that, and then you come, and you're like, fuck, I'm gay! I don't want to look down in case I saw a dick that wasn't mine. Right. And the last thing you want is to see that, and then you come, and you're like, fuck, I'm gay. Okay, go ahead. That was definitely part of the reasoning.

But, yeah, so it was difficult to come because of the alcohol, and there was nothing good to look at. And after a while, like, I don't know if you guys know this, but you only have like a certain amount of time with a hooker. Oh, my God. Yeah, $60 hooker. Yeah.

I am well aware. Yeah. And now that it's a dude hooker, it's probably costing more than what we pay female hookers. Sure, yeah.

Yeah, but she needed more. If this was a chick, it would have been a $40 blowjob. Yeah, exactly. It's a fucking man job. All right. Yeah, but she needed more... If this was a chick, it would have been a $40 loan job. Yeah, exactly. This is a fucking man job. All right.

Did he leave his fleece in your hotel room in Vegas? Is that his? All right, go ahead. No, this is mine. No, but she needed more money after a while. How long are we talking about ballpark? I could not even guess. It lasted for three months.

Yeah, you usually pay by like 30 minutes to an hour. At least an hour. I'm guessing it was 30 minutes. Right. She's actually here with him in the audience. And she's like, I'm going to need more money if you want me to keep sucking your dick. My neck's getting tired and I'm a fucking dude. Yeah.

He's like, I know my Adam's apple you think is like a muscle, but it's not. All right, go ahead. Yeah, so like my credit card barely went through the first time, so it wasn't going to go through again. And she tried it a couple times. Wait, she has a credit card swiper thing? Oh, yeah, she's professional. Oh, wow.

Fuck yeah. Damn. She has a square, but not a box. Jeremiah motherfucking Watkins. He's on fire tonight, ladies and gentlemen. He is Steph Curry from the line. So go ahead, Cole. Keep it pumping.

Just like you did with that tranny's mouth keep going yeah so she was like look I'll stay I just need something in return yeah and you're like I will oh shit oh Cole you little pig please tell me you're gonna tell me what I think you're about to fucking tell me right now

please please make up for all the audio issues. I mean, look, I didn't want to suck or jerk off a dick. Why didn't you just say, oh, well, it didn't work, and just send him home and then, you know, masturbate? Because I wanted to cum. You don't have to masturbate. Come on, Red Band.

What do you think? What would you do in that situation? I would not be... I thought you would be on my side. No way, dude. I would have masturbated right when I got to my hotel room for free and never have done any of this. Cool, cool. Alright, here.

Coming from the guy who subscribes weekly to rubmaps.com. It's a sponsor. Okay. It is not a sponsor. That is not a sponsor. You can't say things like that. Did you suck this transgendered woman's penis?

I really didn't want to suck or jerk it off, but I wanted to come. Right. A great dilemma of man. Instead, I rolled over ready to take it up the ass. No. No.

You went from blackout drunk to brownout drunk. And then what happens? Cole, you gotta keep this moving for me, dude. What the fuck is going on right now, Cole? Tony's about to talk. Lewis, let him go. Your father, Borges, is right there listening.

Yeah, but she couldn't get it in because I was clinching too hard. No, it's because you have a tight asshole, dude. Yeah, dude, don't be so humble. You have that tight ass. So then what happened? No one...

Did he try spitting on it? I think she tried a bunch of stuff, but it's all kind of blocked from my memory. I'm straight, by the way. Not anymore. No, you're not. You are not straight. Was she wearing a rubber?

There is a deep gay monster inside of you. Doggy, was she wearing a rubber? There is a deep gay monster inside of you. Doggy, was she wearing a rubber? She might have been. Oh, my God. You got to go get tested right now. Yeah, I know, but I'd rather just not fuck than know I have AIDS. Wow. What a sad response.

Wow. Do you put that on your dating profiles? This is the gayest night I've heard of in Las Vegas since I saw Siegfried and Roy's magic show one night. I didn't think a Siegfried and Roy joke would actually do that. Holy shit, dude. Wow. So this transgendered woman tried to fuck you in the ass. And you tried to let it happen.

It wasn't because you didn't let it happen. You were completely willing. She just couldn't keep it together. I was like, I know I was going to be clenching. She was like, I'm not going to clench. And then she was like, you're clenching too hard. I can't get it in. And she was like, you don't want to do this, do you?

I'm like, no. And then that was hard. I can't get it in. And she's like, you don't want to do this, do you? I'm like, no. And then that was it. And then I had to drive home alone. So she had the moment where a dude finds out a girl's too drunk, and she's like, you know what? You're a little too drunk for me. Yeah. She had morals.

Yeah. You did not. No. It's a bad situation when the prostitute comes to you and says, Is everything okay? How are we feeling right now about this? All right, we got to keep this thing moving. There he goes.

Cole Alexander, ladies and gentlemen. That's an out at 45, Josh. 9-4-5. All right. We have a regular on this show. Before we meet Reverend Johnny Stewart for the first time, let's get our regular up here. You guys know him.

You love him. He writes and performs a brand new minute every week. He's been out of commission for two weeks. We're excited about his return. Make some fucking noise for the one and only Malcolm Hatchet! What's up? Somebody called me a monkey

the other day, and I didn't take it to the heart. I was like, wait. I think I can make a material out of this. I think it'd be funny. So, I did a prank on him. I went to the 7- material out of this I think it'd be funny So I like did a prank on him I went to the 7-Eleven I bought a banana And then I walked up on him

And I was like And smacked the shit out of him I ate that banana That shit was a dollar bro If I were a cop I would only want to be a cop To pull people over Who look like they do drugs

Or at least have them So I wouldn't have to a cop to pull people over who look like they do drugs or at least have them. So I won't have to buy them no more. Pull over. What is the acid? All right, you good to go. Don't trip. I like triangles.

That's my favorite shape. I love triangles. I spend a lot of monies on triangle food, like slices of pizza and Doritos. When I was in middle school, I used to draw triangles all the time on the paper, and one time my teacher was like, you want to draw triangles? Tell the class why you want to draw triangles.

My response, bitch, I'm hungry. I'm thinking about them slices. There he is, Malcolm Hatchett, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. You're back. Malcolm, welcome back, man. How's it going?atchett, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. You're back. Malcolm, welcome back, man. How's it going? Chilling, man. Good.

You got sick last week and couldn't make it? Yeah, I was beside the carnies on the edible, bro. Puking. Food poisoning? Nah, it was an edible. You had a bad edible and you threw up? It was one of them edibles from one of them illegal dispensaries, bro. I don't know what I bought, but I took it to be happy because I was really sad.

So I was like, it was like a little small cube, $15. Took it. Dude, I was in the best mood. And I started driving. Everything was 3D. So my friend had to drive. Usually it's 3D. Yeah.

It was just, I felt like I was tripping. It was like, oh, fuck. And then I got here. I was like puking. I was like, I can't do this shit. I literally wanted to do my minute and puke, but I couldn't do it, bro. I wanted to do this shit. I actually felt really sick the other day.

I was flying back from Maryland, and on my layover, I had this jalapeno breakfast sandwich. And everything's fine, you know, but then I fucked up, and I decided that I wanted a small Wendy's Frosty as well I made two stops one for the breakfast sandwich I had a drink and everything I was good to go I'm like you know what I'm gonna treat myself this is a fucking hard layover long flight I'm gonna get a Frosty and put that on

top of the fucking jalapeno sandwich that I had and I I almost pooped my pants the other day on an airplane. I really did. I literally had to. I pulled that move for the first time in my life. I'm talking about maybe like hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of flights.

For the first time ever, I was that guy that stood up as soon as you were allowed to stand up on a flight, and I fucking ripped it, dude. I went number two on an airplane. The fun fact was it was after the layover, so it was like Baltimore all the way to Phoenix. There's a 50-minute flight from Phoenix

to Los Angeles and I just had to shit in that 50-minute span. Have you ever shit yourself completely? You're the number two pooping comedian in the world. Hey! No, I've never... I don't know how one could really completely shit themselves. How do you completely... Well, not like a

whole turd, but a shart, I guess. Nah. Alright. One of the bottom old descending comedians in the world. Okie dokie. Well, how far are you... Where are you going for Christmas? Oh, I'm going to North Carolina. Oh, that's so crazy.

I'm from Winston-Salem, but the Raleigh thing, that's cool as shit. How far is that from Winston-Salem? Oh, it's an hour and a half. Wow, that's close. It's so crazy. When I had opened up at Theovine in July, most of his fans were Kill Tony fans. So they was like, yo, please bring Raleigh here. And like, boom.

Was that where he was, Raleigh? Yeah, in Raleigh. At Good Nights? Yeah. Well, that's where we're going to be. That shit's going to be crazy. We're going to be there for five shows. We can eat cookout.

Hell yeah, it's going to be great. You have to tell some of your cousins to come over. Yeah, and lead the weapons at home. Hell yeah. You want me to kill Tony, motherfucker? All right. All right. Nah, nah, that'd be cool.

That'd be really cool. You going to be here next week? No, I leave December 8th. Damn it. And I come back January 3rd. Well, we have Russell Peters as be here next week? No, I leave December 8th and I come back January 3rd. Well, we have Russell Peters as a guest next week and it would have been funny. And we're back in the main room, thank God. Yes. But when I come back, I'll be

like 10 times happier. I promise. I gotta go reset. You seem happy right now, but I like the fact that you think you could be even happier. Fuck yeah. I love it. One of my favorite humans. The guy that inspires me from the ground up every week, putting a new minute out there. Make some noise for Malcolm Hatchett, everybody.

Yeah, Malcolm. Malcolm's just like, where's Waldo if he was Rastafarian? Okay. You've been hearing the name off and on for the last few minutes here. Hopefully he's here and on deck. I believe this is his first time on the show. Definitely under this name it is. Make some noise for the Reverend Johnny Stewart, everyone.

Here we go. Here he comes. Come on, everyone. This very easily could be your final comedian of the night. Make some noise for Reverend Johnny Stewart. Hey, guys. I'm the Reverend Johnny. How the hell are you?

All right. Shit, drink more. I don't know. I got some great news today. My girlfriend just celebrated her 18th birthday. Give it up for her, right? That's right, baby. 18 years old today.

It's a big year, you guys. No claps? What the fuck is wrong with you? Been waiting three years on this pussy, guys. I can't get any claps? Do you know how hard it is to date a 15-year-old girl in current year? You look like you do, sir.

Let me tell you, from personal experience, it's damn near impossible. Right? You see, they're like gremlins. You can't feed them after midnight. You can't get them wet. You know what I'm saying? They'll be coming with hella rules and shit, you guys.

I'm just kidding. This is jokes. I didn't wait. On her 16th birthday. I took her to Vegas. You know what the age is out there? 16, buddy. Fuck yeah.

Reverend Johnny Stewart. This is very exciting. We've never gotten to have the bad guy from the hit movie Toy Story on. There's a snake in my boot! Come on. The hills have open mics. Hey, I like that.

There you go. You are an interesting... Jeremiah, go ahead. This is our favorite comedian on Fury Road. Wow. Reverend Johnny It's your first time on this show I was here before

Really? Yeah Man, what happened since then? You went back in time and your parents beat you? No, I got divorced, moved back to LA How old are you? From the 18 year old 26

You're 26. Man. Yeah. You said fuck after that. No, you just think about it. Man. You're another young-looking 26-year-old. This has been a thematic thing tonight.

How do you keep your youthful appearance? Fucking children. Is that it? It's a found youth, really, Tony. For those of you listening to the podcast, he looks young, and he also looks like he exclusively drinks Mountain Dew. Awesome. It's a monster energy drink or something like that.

Faygo! Is that true? Do you like Faygo? Wu-Tang. Wu-Wu! So tell us more about you, Reverend Johnny Stewart. I got a boner pick with Louis J. Gomez, as a matter of fact. Doggie, I will fuck you up right now.

Bro, this is L.A. You don't want none of this heat. You want none of this heat, baby boy. MMA, you're not going to get me on the ground, bro. I got a sword, doggy. I will fuck you up. This is L.A. We don't play with a sword, though.

I don't give a shit about no sword. Come near me. I'll cut your fucking throat. What do you want, Reverend Johnny? What do you want? Justice. I want justice here tonight. What is your issue with me?

I will fucking, I will slice you alive. I ain't kidding. The security ain't gonna help you. I got a sword, bitch. It ain't gonna help you, baby. This LA, bruh. So, Reverend, what's your bone to pick with Lewis? Here's the thing.

I've been fucking with a legion of skanks for, like, ever. Big goddamn fan. Your goddamn mic's gone. No, no, not anymore, man. Try me, bro. Whoa, Lewis. If I'm wrong, I might have to cut him. Tony, if he disrespects the Skanks, I cut his fucking throat.

Don't turn your back on the enemy. Oh my God. Now this is my kind of show. Rule number one, baby. This is LA. Whoop, whoop. No juggalos. Put the fucking sword down before the fight. No, I might have to kill one, baby. Just LA. Whoop, whoop. No juggalos. Put the fucking sword down before the-

No, I might have to kill him, Tony. Lewis, last time you were in this room- Let me go. He might have to, bro. There could be only one. What happens? I've been fucking with the Legion of Skanks forever, right? I come through.

Jesus Christ, get to the point. So the tranny's sucking your dick, and then what happens? I tell this guy that I punched a dude in the face because he spat in his lady's face. Then the next day, he brings it up on his podcast like I got tooken like a bitch. I can't have that, man. Wait, what happened? Well, let me tell you really what happened. He was hammered because he's a drug addict.

Thank you. And he comes out. He's like, yo, man, yo, just go. Whoa. Hey. Whoa. Thank you. Just let it, Lewis, let it happen. You don't need a physical sword on a podcast. Fine. Don't come at me again, bro. I got the sword.

I got the sword. Just know that. Thank you. So he comes, he was outside and he comes up to me and Big J and he's like, yeah, dude, that guy was over there. He was like, he's spitting his girlfriend's face. So he was hammered. This kid doesn't remember this. He's fucking crazy. I do. I'll go on. He comes up. He's like, yeah, so I went and said something.

He was like, and then that guy punched me in the face and we're like, whoa, really? And he's like, I'm going to go fuck him up. Like, dude, I mean, he already punched you in the face. Maybe you shouldn't go do anything now. Thank you. That's the story. you fucking psycho. Bro, I was waiting for my spot.

I got my Instagram right here. Me telling you what the fuck happened. You're lying, man. I'm telling you with this fucking sword. Don't cross me. You're going to have to. Don't cross me. You're going to have to.

I will stab you to death with a sword. Lewis, you can't have a sword out in a place like this. Ain't no real ass dude up here but me. Serve strengths. There we go. What's that? What are you doing? What is it? No we don't.

It's 945. Dude the sound equipment is turning on you. Doggy I don't know what you're talking about but I'm sorry that that guy made you look like a bitch. I got the Instagram right here. I'm sorry that that guy made you look like a bitch in front of everybody. I'm sorry. I have no idea what the fuck happened. This is like some type of weird bookend shit where we started and everything.

It's got to be some straight up Thunderdome shit, man, for real. Doggy, I'm ready for you at any moment. Did you say nothing, dog? I'm ready. MMA ain't like a street fight. Thunderdome is the kind of- There's a crowbar right there, bro. Jesus, wow.

You have the comedic timing of a guy with a stage name like Reverend Johnny Stewart. Reverend Johnny Stewart. Reverend Johnny Stewart. A lot of interrupting machines on here tonight. I also liked his material. I love you, doggy. I love you, doggy. Wow, look at that. I did.

I liked it. Look, I can connect with where he's coming from. Fucking children. And he's not a bad guy. It's not a bad concept, the whole idea of, you know, this wasn't bad. All right. Are you guys going to make out now? You guys really should.

Can we get that to close the show? Can you make out? Can you guys cross each other's swords with one another? I mean, I don't know if the audience wants to. No, they really don't want it. Come on, yeah. There he goes, Reverend Johnny Stewart, everybody. He's out of here.

That's tonight's episode of Kill goes. Reverend Johnny Stewart, everybody. He's out of here. That's tonight's episode of Kill Tony. Really, really special episode. Look at that drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt. Guys, Louis J. Gomez tapes his special next week, December 10th at the Cutting Room. I think they just released a few tickets

or something like that. No, it's all packed to capacity. Make sure you check it out when it comes out. It's called Louis J. Gomez Presents Louis J. Gomez, sponsored by the great Infinite CBD, our good friends over there. Check out InfiniteCBD.com and use the promo code KILLEDSONY15.

Get 15% off a purchase. And also go check out Gas Digital. A lot of fun shows over there, including Legion of Skanks and so many other great things. You guys have the Real Ass Podcast. Hell, yeah. Believe You, Me with Michael Bisping, which we're going to do a live podcast here.

In fact, if you guys are here Wednesday night, I'm running my hour here in the Belly Room. I think there's still some tickets available. Come out and check me out. Me, Kim Congdon, Zach Amico. And it's going to be a lot of fun. So come out to that. How about you make some noise one more time for the great Jeremiah Watkins huh one of my favorite episodes in a while

you have the amazing podcast Jeremiah Wonders who's on this week's episode Josh Adam Myers oh very cool you guys have a long fun history together out there doing the road and festivals with the goddamn comedy jam and it's very exciting. And I am still

on my quest to find a saxophone sponsor. Hit me up if you know anything at Jeremiah Stand Up. If you know anybody that makes saxophones, lead them this way. It is very specific, but I believe in myself. Hell yeah. Chroma Chris

was silent but deadly here tonight. Chris, what did you think of tonight's episode? It truly was mad, Tony, in all ways. It was a very crazy show. I can't even explain it, Tony. Wow. You don't have any Mad Max voice-changing things at all over there. It was truly shocking.

The whole way through, I was just. How about one more time for the great and powerful Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. He's on social media, mostly sorry. What else, Joel? That's it. I love you guys. Peace. Wow.

Hell yeah. Thank you guys so much. Dallas, Texas, New Year's Eve. Jeremiah is going to be with me doing stand-up comedy on that night for two shows. I'm doing the Irvine Improv, January 3rd through 5th. Rattling North Carolina, just got your own Kill Tony, January 10th. Stand-up on the 11th and 12th. Kill Tony Phoenix on January 26th.

And I'm doing London Soho Theater. Six shows, February 18th through the 23rd. That's just me. One-man shows there in London. And a huge, massive, kill-Tony European announcement next week. See you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you, live audience, for coming out.

We love you. Good night. Good night. Good night. Thank you. Thanks for watching!