KILL TONY - KILL TONY #317

Episode Date: January 10, 2019

Doug Benson, Randy Sklar, William Montgomery, Josh Martin, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 01/07/2018 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sportsbook. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have everything Kill Tony. Past episodes, video portions of the show.

And also, if you click on Tour Dates, we are starting out 2019 in Raleigh, North Carolina. Followed by Kill Tony Phoenix, January 26th. Kill Tony Ireland, February 14th. Kill Tony Manchester, February 15th. And Kill Tony London, February 16th. Kill Tony Manchester, February 15th. And Kill Tony London, February 16th. Go to deathsquad.tv for the latest tour dates

and information. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There he has everything Golden Pony. And Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist,

has his website, RyanJEbelt.com. There you can get Kill Tony poster and books and prints. That ryanjebelt.com. There you can get Kill Tony poster and books and prints. That's ryanjebelt.com. And last but not least, go to shopsquad.tv. We're having a little sale right now. And you can get the Kill Tony shirts, Death Squad shirts, hats, mugs.

Go to shopsquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store main room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hensclare. What the fuck is up? We're back. It's 2019. Welcome.

Brian Redband is here. What is up? The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here drawing tonight's episode. And we are back. I am so excited about this. Hello to the hundreds of thousands at YouTube watching live from around the globe right now. I am so excited because we might be coming near you soon. We're going to Raleigh, Raleigh, Raleigh, North Carolina this Thursday. And I'm doing stand-up headlining shows with Jeremiah and Red Band.

They're going to be there with me all weekend. So Raleigh, North Carolina, Thursday, Kill Tony. Friday and Saturday, stand-up shows. And Phoenix, Arizona, the 26th of January, Kill Tony, live. Phoenix, Arizona, it's stand-up live. We're back there. The 14th of February, we're in Dublin, Ireland. Manchester, England, the next day.

London, England, the day after that. That's Kill Tony, Dublin, Manchester, and London. And then I stay there and do solo stand-up shows at the Soho Theatre January 18th to the 23rd. That's fucking five nights, six, five or six nights of just me doing stand-up there. And then, hey,

March 21st is the big one, East Coast, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Philly is one of their own Kill Tony for a very long time. That is March 21st with stand-up shows, four of them, on the 22nd and 23rd. I'm also doing stand-up. I just picked up another gig.

I can't stop, Brian. February 7th, 8th, and 9th in Calgary, Canada. That's just me doing stand-up in an ice-cold, freezing hotel. It's going to be exciting. We just took a few weeks off, though, so that was fun, right? We got to

spend three weeks with the loved ones, you know what I mean? Which reminds me, sexual performance issues are more common than you think. Over 25% of new erectile dysfunction cases are guys under 40. That's like me. ForHims.com is a

one-stop shop for hair loss, skin care, sexual wellness for men. Brian, you know a lot about this. Yeah, I'm 44 so I need all of that. Especially when you get older, your sex drive kind of goes down. I used to go to gas stations. I used to go to gas stations and get those really sketchy pills, you know, that keep it hard for two weeks.

And, you know, that's dangerous because you don't know what you're having. But you hear this website you can go to and talk to a real doctor online. You just answer some questions. The next thing you know, you have a prescription, like a real prescription to a real pill that will help you for ed it's super cool i know it must be working for you i've seen a lot less of your late night middle of the night instagram videos lately with you and your girlfriend you guys must be doing something else that's right we've been using this stuff for our hair that's right that'll do it sure i don't know why you wear that beautiful ball cap afterwards try hymns for a month today for just

five dollars we'll get you started for just $5 while supplies last. See website for full details. This would cost hundreds if you went to a doctor or pharmacy. Go to forhims.com slash kill. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S dot com slash kill. Forhims.com slash kill. It's important to try new things in 2019. Right, Brian?

Did you know Robinhood is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFs, options, and cryptos all commission-free? It's a non-intimidating way for stock market newcomers to invest for the first time with true confidence. And I was a newcomer. I never had ever bought a stock before. I downloaded the app. It was super easy. I got my first app. And there's no commission fees.

Other places charge up to like $10 for every trade. Robinhood doesn't do that. They don't charge any commission fees. Other places charge up to like $10 for every trade. Robinhood doesn't do that. They don't charge any commission fees. Trade stocks and keep all your money. You could also learn how to build a portfolio. Do you know how to do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I do thanks to Robinhood.

You could discover new stocks and trade with your favorite companies and your personalized news feeds and custom notifications for price movements so you never miss the right moment to invest. It's amazing. Robinhood is giving listeners a free stock like Apple, Ford, or Sprint to help build your portfolio. Sign up at ktshow.robinhood.com. That's ktshow.robinhood.com. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what?

I am so excited. You guys are at the number one live podcast in the world on a motherfucking Monday. Does that excite you at all? It excites me. And before we start, I'd like to give a special shout out to one of my favorite all-time athletes and heroes from Youngstown, Ohio. I can't believe he's on my show right now. I watch clips of this guy to get my ass out of bed and go jog in the morning when I need to get inspired. He's here.

Make some noise for one of my favorite humans ever. The ghost, Kelly Pavlik, is sitting right there, everybody. Former middleweight champion of the world. Wow. That motherfucker knocked out Jermaine Taylor. You bastards have no idea how badass that is. From Youngstown, Ohio. So let's do this shit.

Every single week I have two of the funniest guests in the world on this show. We really shook things up tonight. I'm so excited about this. I decided to scramble to try to get great guests because Ari Shafir realized that the national championship was today, and he wanted to go hang out with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer because they need more help with their careers. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I scrambled to find two replacements.

I'm so proud of myself. I'm so proud of these guys for coming through for me. Make some noise for two of the funniest comedians in the world. It's Doug Benson and Randy Sklar. Woo! Here we go. Hey! Wow. It's really them.

Starting 2019 with a bang. Heck yes. What? It's two of our favorite guests in the show's history. And they're back. I love trying to follow a high Doug Benson through a place you're not supposed to enter through the curtain. It's like we're trying to enter through the drum kit.

Doug's like, I think it's through here. Let me just say, I'm sorry that my brother couldn't be here tonight. I know. Listen, now you're going to really see how funny I am. Entering the main room is like being political on Twitter. You're either coming in on the far left or the far right. There's really nobody in the middle. Just like, I think things are just okay.

Yeah, why did he tweet that? Okie dokie. I was agreeing with him. Is that... What the hell? May I? I'm excited to bring up the band. Have you always had a smoke machine?

I am excited about this. Doug walked by the LA Fires and was like, can I get a puff? Fave life. I'm so excited about this. I'm so excited you guys are here. As you two definitely know, there's a band that's on every episode of this show. Fuck yeah. They are one of my favorite things in all of comedy. They absolutely

fucking crack me up. I'm so excited because there's a fucking smoke machine here. Every week they commit to different characters. You never know what they're going to be or what they're going to do, but they stay in character throughout the episode. We have a lot of favorites, you know. But they are the best damn band in the land, and they're here for you.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. All right. Let's see what happens here. Wow. A lot of lights, A lot of action. What? Oh, my God.

I think they're aliens. Wow. Look at this. We better get out of here. Clearly. Aliens. I feel like I'm out of here. Clearly. Aliens. I feel like I'm at Burning Man. Wow.

Do they come in peace? Wow, this is incredible. Make some noise, people. It's the Kill Tony Band. It's 2019 and they're starting us off with what I believe is brand new characters. Jeremiah, I'm going to take a guess here and say that you are an alien. Admiral Narknack reporting for duty, sir. Oh, Admiral Narnack.

Narknack. Narknack. Yeah, Narknack would be ridiculous. Who's there? Oh, what is that? That is one fancy electric toothbrush you have there. Is that a tricorder? That's a quip.

Whatever they called it. Hey, your teeth fell out. And Planet Kildron, that is normal. Okay, and clearly you're here, alien, with Kermit the Frog, and what appears to be an illegal alien right behind you. Wow. If you start, Jenny... I love it when Tony uses all of our jokes right up top.

Oh, shit. You guys had when Tony uses all of our jokes right up top. Oh, shit. You guys had probably a week to think about it. I had 15 seconds, so figure it out. His name is Jose. Build that space wall. Wow, I'm so excited about this. What is your name? Jose.

Oh, that's right. It's the only thing I knew. I can't believe it. Can you see? Oh, wow. I like how you're thinking. Oh, yes, the timing on that is incredible. That must be one of those weapons that shoots before. So futuristic.

There's a negative delay on it. Is that a neti pot bidet? Like, what is that? What was that once supposed to be? Whose garage door just opened? Well, I could sit here riffing up with these aliens and Randy and Doug, but we have a whole show to get to. I have a bucket filled with comedians' names. Sometimes it's a comedian.

Sometimes it's an amazing comedian. Sometimes it's somebody trying it out for the very first time ever, and they do better than the comedians. You never know what's going to happen. If I pull your name out of the bucket, if you signed up, you have a chance. And if I pull it out, you get 60 seconds. You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Wow.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. We on, attack? You guys ready to start this show or what? It's Kill Tony 2019. Let's see how this year will begin. How many of you like it when I pull a name out of the bucket and the comedian does good for 60 seconds? How many of you would prefer to see someone bomb here tonight?

That's me. I'd like to see that. A little high. Do that first. All right. Well, let's see what Ichabod's Bucket of Destiny brings us first in 2019. And your first comedian goes by the name of Ashton Tate. Here we go.

Here we go. Here he comes. We know Ashton. One more time for Ashton Tate, everyone. So once in high school, I was playing Dance Dance Revolution at the mall. And this girl walked up and she was like, Hey, Ashton, they say if you're good at dancing, you're probably good in the bedroom. And I was like, I know, I got to sit up there too.

I like how people say white people aren't good at dancing, and I'm like, clearly you haven't seen me dance around the issue of who did 9-11. That's so good. My ex was a bigger gal And it actually made Valentine's Day more romantic Because it was easier for her to surprise me With gifts behind her back I was like, babe, how did you know I wanted a Toshiba?

It was a 42-inch television But her and I broke up Because we got into different online colleges I think the worst way to find out that your parents died but her and I broke up because we got into different online colleges. I think the worst way to find out that your parents died is not being able to log into Netflix. Alright, cool. Thanks. There you go. Ashton Tate.

Hell yeah, the band's got some new fucking zingers in between. New year, new us. All right, Ashton, that was amazing. That was a very fun set. You're like if Theo Vaughn fell into a cave for a few years. Wow. You look like if Theo Vaughn fell into a cave for a few years. Wow. You look like if Theo Vaughn fell into a planet called Earth.

It's a great point. It's a cave planet. Ashton. Okie dokie. Ashton. That was fun. You've been on this show before, correct? Yes. I sort of remember that. And I invited him to the studio, Death Squad, and he did a show over there. He was a killer over there also. Hell yeah.

Fuck yeah. Some good jokes in this set. Was I here when you were on before? No. Okay, good because I don't remember you. You could have been on when he was here before. Yeah, but that was great. The opener didn't work for some reason. I lost track

of what you were talking about. But it was quick. It was didn't work for some reason. I lost track of what you were talking about. Yeah. But it was quick. It was professional. You got into it. It seemed like you were a real comic. Yeah. Second joke was about dancing.

I'm like, is the whole set going to be about dancing? No, never. And then you took a left turn on that. But good's some good. The Netflix joke is a great joke. That's a phenomenal joke. What are your thoughts about who was behind 9-11? He likes to think it's a phenomenal joke. What are your thoughts about who was behind 9-11? He likes to think

it's an outside joke. I have some ideas about who was in front of it. Well, I have to be wary of who owns the comedy store. Oh. No, I don't know. I think it was

everyone had a good time and whatever happened, happened. Everyone had a... Wait, what? That should go after that joke. This wasn't Burning Man. What the fuck are you talking about? People were actually burning.

Yeah. Man. Everyone had a good time. I mean, everyone got something out of it, so... What? I mean, just... Like what? Death? I mean, everyone got something out of it. What? Like what? Death? I mean, yeah, but some people found, I don't know, love or something.

Do you know this? I just read certain blogs online. Wow. What blogs are you reading online that talk about how people fell in love? That's the weirdest dating app ever. You just Google certain blogs. Yeah, yeah.

And some shit comes up. It's not 9-11 truthers. It's 9-11 lovers. Is that true? Is there like a dating app for that? Is there like a rubbleoffish.com or something? Yeah. Come on.

It's been like fucking 17 years. Sky, come on. If we don't make Rubble of Fish jokes now, the terrorists win. That's right. Don't let them take that away from us. Are you a 9-11 birther? Yeah.

I also like that he can just access, it's been 17 years. I'm like, okay, that sounds about right. Happened in 2001. Sounds ballpark. Doug doesn't know how math works. 2018, 17 years, it's a quick. I know how it works, but man, why are you clinging to that year so much?

Well, you know. What else happened that year? Do you remember? No, never forget is what I say. So Ashton, is that really true though? I'm sort of compelled now. I feel like the most interesting thing I could ask you is who do you really feel like was behind 9-11?

Is it really Jewish people? Is that why you're asking who owns the club? Who do you think was behind your haircut? Hit me! Italian gay man. Is that true? Do you get your haircut by Hit me! Ben Laden. Italian gay man. Is that true?

Do you get your haircut by a gay man? I did like a year ago. He seduces his teacher when he was a boy. Just a little fun fact about him. He seduces his teacher when he was a boy? That's like the present and the past. I'm so confused. He's a time-jumping gay man hair cutter. Tony, what don't you get about it?

Okay, continue. Time-jumping gay man. Now I think I realize what Jeremiah's gun was built for. Time-jumping gay man. Now that I know there's time-jumping gay men. It's time-skipping, but they... Ashton, you look like you live in a really fancy box. I do.

What's your living situation like? The living's good. It's not in a box. It's an apartment. Yeah. I don't know. I just... I love that you think like you got me on that one.

No, I didn't at all. Actually, it's not a box. No, it is not a box. Six roommates. My bedroom's a box. It's an apartment. Six roommates. My bedroom's a box, but alright. I live in a box in the living room. How many roommates you got? Just one.

Yeah. I'm not doing anything crazy. It's crazy how you just stopped and combed your hair in the middle of the show. Well, it's the viewers. That's how you do it, right? You just comb your hair with your hand. Yeah. It works, man.

It does work. Did you really date a big gal? Yeah, yeah. I mean... Is that your preference? No, not at all. Okay, so... Not at all?

Not at all. Oh, my God. A little bit. What's your dream girl? Why are you living a lie? I don't know. My dream girl is just a gal who's... 9-11 survivor.

Tony, I'm... I mean, the big ones didn't make it out. That's... Wow. You know, I actually feel like... I actually feel like... Be hurt. Hashtag be hurt. Yeah.

I actually feel like this guy's living in an emotional box. Man. My goodness. So your dream girl, describe her. What does she look like? You said you're not into big girls at all. I can hear Aphrodite is really getting defensive Over here

She's wearing blinking glasses for some reason Sing it Red Band's trying to get this guy To kiss Aphrodite That's not gonna Would you do that? No There'll be a 50 inch vizio behind her

Oh she wants her ass kissed. It's a dream girl. What are we talking about? Just, I don't know, normal gal. Nothing crazy. Nothing crazy like you. We'll have to find out if there's a girl out there that's interested on the fourth or fifth guy

from the left on the evolutionary chart. that's interested on the fourth or fifth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart. I bet at least one of these aliens would kiss her on the ass. That is how we say hello to our mothers. Of course. Well, Ashton, fun set, fun talking with you. You just got the year started for us. There's Ashton Tate, everybody.

And we're off and running. Anything can happen. I'll give it up. He had some good jokes. And fantastic Sean Astin cosplay. He did. I thought he mixed a little Brian Austin green. He kind of Sean Astin greened it, if you will.

He's on Twitter, by the way, at Michael Moore Food. That's spelled M-I-C-H-A-E-L-M-O-R-E-F-O-O-D. That was his old girlfriend's Twitter handle. Okay. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Looks like we're going to have our first lady of the year up here. Make some noise for Jessica Lee, everyone. Jessica Lee.

Jessica Lee. Jessica Lee, everyone. Jessica Lee. Jessica Lee. Jessica Lee, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks. I'm a big girl. I really love black men. People tend to assume that I hate my father

because I like black men. I don't. I finally met him. I really like him. I hate my mom. She voted for Trump. I'm a mom, too. I have a 16-year-old kid.

He's kind of an asshole. We're riding in the car. He says, Mom, you gay. Out of nowhere. I'm like, I'm gay? What? I want to know why this guy thinks I'm gay. And I'm like, that little motherfucker's been looking through my Pornhub search. Because my Pornhub search

will definitely say, bitch, you gay. You know, I like lesbian porn. It's the kinder, nicer, gentler porn. And everybody gets off. My kid told me, you know, he's 16, he smokes weed now. Little fucker.

He doesn't have a job. Like, where are you getting the weed from? He's stealing my fucking weed. So, in an effort to make that not happen, I've decided to hide it with my dildo. Hey, I like that. I like that. He's going to end up smoking weed out of your dildo, though.

That's right. I know. I know how this works. And then you can turn to him in the car and be like, you gay. Oh, wow. Jessica, that was a fun set. I love you as the aunt

in Netflix's Sabrina the Teenage Witch. That's for the... My wife loves that show. You're also the woman that had the second child in the movie Bird Box. I wrote that one down. Oh, come on.

A lot of people. Spoiler alert. I haven't finished it yet. Jesus Christ. Welcome to 2019, motherfuckers. Haven't seen it. Haven't seen it. What the fuck?

I haven't even finished watching Bird Man. Jesus Christ. Fuck you. I just got a standing o from a guy from another fucking planet. That's when you know you're doing something correctly. You got Birdbox out on Nardwark. I'm getting O's from dudes from other planets. Did you bring those notes on stage in case you ran out of stuff to say for a minute?

I had it in my hand and I was so shocked that it was coming up here. Oh, you just ran up with it. You were busy writing down other people's bits. Right, exactly. Hold on, I'm going to go to Admiral Nerdword. and I was so shocked that it was coming up here. Oh, you just ran up with it. You were busy writing down other people's bits. Yes. Right, exactly. Hold on, I'm going to go to Admiral Nerdword. She looks like she has seen the movie Bird Box and also got hungry and ate the birds in the box. The bitch loves the bird.

Wow, is that true? Aliens really don't know. Those aren't her notes. It's a grocery list. Whoa, Joel Berg. Uh-oh. Wait a minute. Fried chicken.

Smoked cock. Well, no, no. Those are the names that were written. Potato salad with raisins. It's ingredients. Ingredients to have an average set. Wow. Hey, Joelberg.

Thank you. Joelberg, stand up for a second for me. Why are you dressed like the inside of a Hot Pocket sleeve? My name is Jose. A little malfunction there. That's all he could take across the border. He has not earned his uniform from Planet Kiltron yet. Wow.

All right. So, Jessica, you're on the show right now. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? I think I'm in my ninth month. Not of pregnancy. Oh, I see what you did there. You thought I was going to make a you look pregnant joke. But no.

I don't think you look pregnant. She lost the baby in the toilet months ago. Jessica, you're wearing a dress over a sweater. It's very thin, though, and it's see-through. That is the only thin thing I see. Oh, stop.

Thank goodness it's the only see-through thing you see-through. That is the only thin thing I see. Oh, stop. Why? God damn it. Thank goodness it's the only see-through thing you see as well. God, aliens. My apologies. Jesus, time. I guess time isn't up on their planet. Jesus fucking Christ.

Well, if you just apologize and then clap, it's all good. It's all good. That's how they do it there. I think this is the year of the big bitches. I think big bitches are coming back in style. Thank you. I think that year was when Adele got famous.

I don't know if it's still happening. Well, she opened the door. I don't know how often that moon comes around. Is it true that you have a 16-year-old boy? It is. And you said that you love black men. Is your little boy half black? He is.

And I'm a single mom. So he does not like black men. Which half of him is black? I don't know. I haven't seen his penis in a long time. Oh, good. I have a question. Have you ever said the N-word in bed?

No, but I had a boyfriend that wanted me to do that. That's fucked up. I'm not doing the plantation thing. He was white, wasn't he? No, he wasn't. I can't believe you dated Michael Richards. Man, if you were going to say the N-word in bed, what would that sound like? It wouldn't.

In your own words. My mouth would be cold. No. It just wouldn't happen. What was your pet name for each other? Which pet name? For whom? What did you call each other?

Baby Daddy. Satan? What's he up each other? Baby Daddy. Satan? What's he up to nowadays? Baby Daddy. Restraining order? I have no idea. Wow. A restraining order against you?

No, no. Against him. Against him. What does your son think of you doing comedy? He likes it. He thinks I'm funny. Yeah, because he's smoking your weed when you're here right now. Smelling your dildos and shit.

I'm going to say, I think you have a good presence on stage. I really do. If we're only doing it nine months, I think you do. I just lose that. Yeah. Lose that. And, I mean, it just takes a long time. But, like, I think you do have a start.

And, I mean, it's interesting. How did you gravitate towards, are you like, black men is my type? I just want to know your thought process. What happens first? Do you get into black men and then gain weight, or do you gain weight and then get into black men? I've always wanted to ask someone this. I mean, certainly my ass is attractive. The classic chicken and egg story.

Well, we know everyone in that analogy loves chicken for sure. So what was it? When did you meet this guy? This is a weird time to say figuratively. The father of my child? Yeah. A long time ago. I mean, my kid's 16.

So was it 16 years ago? Did you guys have a baby immediately? It takes nine months. I moved to New York, I met him, and then a year later I was pregnant. Is he a deadbeat dad? He's an awful fucking human being. So let's talk about him in the end.

What's the worst thing that he ever did? What makes him so awful? I can't really talk about it. Oh, is it like law shit? Yeah. Oh, okay. Very good. Alright. We've confirmed indeed that the father was black. Hey, wait a second.

How are you here and serving food right there at the same time? This is incredible. Alright, a little in-house joke for the people that actually came. Seems like they didn't even like it that much. So he moved where? To prison? He went to prison for a while.

But then we moved to L.A. to escape him. Okay, wow. It sounds a lot more frightening than I was hoping it would. Yeah, I think we all hope that you're safe and we're not here to make fun of that. No, it's great.

We can make fun of it now. It's been five years. We're safe. Well, yeah, it's great. We can make fun of it now. It's been five years. We're safe. Well, yeah, it is a hilarious topic. So we should soldier on. Yeah, we can move on. Is it true that lesbian porn is your go-to? It is. It is.

Is it because you love watching people eat? Exactly. Oh, lord. What the hell? Have you ever watched that ASMR with that lady who slurps on all this shit? No I should do that I should capitalize on my fatness No, you're adorable I am adorable

By the way, you are not despite what the aliens are way you are not as despite what the aliens are saying you are not that fat so like don't think of yourself as a fat person you're not fat at all

I think you're a beautiful woman I would just you're looking young it keeps me looking young take comfort in the statement despite what the aliens say oh shut up she's a beautiful woman

on our planet we call you a snack oh come on I love it call you a snack oh come on I love it I'm a whole meal here guys be nice she only had one of the blueberries in Willy Wonka's chocolate hold on

but I eat all the chocolate is it hard for her to do hot forget it it was too mean I loved it in my head. It's too mean. Now I want to hear it. I'll write it down and mail it to everyone.

Mail? Everyone be sure to give me your email. Your snail mail. Oh, I thought you meant snail mail. It was really good. I was like, I'll give you a snail. It was a really good fat joke, but I'm against doing those. Do you really keep your weed next to your dildo?

I do, actually. Is it a dildo or is it a vibrator? It's the stinkiest weed ever. I mean, I'm against doing those. Do you really keep your weed next to your dildo? I do, actually. Is it a dildo or is it a vibrator? It's the stinkiest weed ever. I mean, I have a vibrator. Hell yeah. I have the magic wand. You put that kush next to your tush. I'm going to say it, but imagine somebody a lot fatter. I'm going to look over this way. I'm not going to look at her.

It's hard to do your act when you keep hearing a who. That was a Horton There you go Even aliens got it What's wrong with you people It's only funny if it's mean to somebody's face Hi great job It really was

You were fun There she goes Jessica Lee Lee, ladies and gentlemen. She's on Twitter at Jessica Lee underscore comedy. That's J-E-S-I-K-A L-E-E underscore comedy. For nine months. She's really good for nine months. Yeah. By the way,

and again, she's not fat. If you say she's fat, it's like that Taco Bell commercial where Evander Holyfield shows up and the person behind the counter looks up like, whoa, Evander Holyfield. He's 5'11". He's 9 feet tall. No, he's 5'11". He's not the tallest heavyweight ever.

No, I've seen the commercial. He's really tall. Whoa. She's not that fat. God damn it. If you guys have ever wondered, by the way, what it would be like if a Mythbuster took acid and never came back again. It's this guy sitting right here in the tie-dye shirt. It's very impressive.

I love your look. Let's keep this fun train moving along with your next comedian. He goes by the name of Aaron Patrick. Here we go. Aaron Patrick. Hey. Oh. Because I got high Who's got a vape?

One more time for Aaron Patrick Ladies and gentlemen What up y'all I'm from Georgia My name's Aaron Patrick Real redneck name I sound real racist Which is not good To be living out here sounding like this, but...

I know I sound racist because, like, Uber drivers, like, I'll be like, oh, hey, what's up, man? How you doing? You know? And then they're all of a sudden like, build a wall. It's like, whoa, dude. I'm woke. I be reading the Huffington Post and shit. Like, I ain't... It's fucked up, dude. I can't take any Ws. Like, people call me racist out here,

but back home they call me a faggot, so... You know? And I ain't gay. I really ain't. Although I read on Facebook, I hear that Facebook can know you're gay before you do, which is... What?

That's weird. Like, how? What are you doing? Creeping on your bro's Facebook or something? That's weird. How does it know? I downloaded Grindr once, so maybe that's why. But I was new to L... Whatever. Hell yeah.

There he is. Aaron Patcher. What up? This is your first time on this show for sure. I would remember seeing a guy that looks like you, sounds like you. Hell yeah. That is not what I thought you were going to sound like. No. Oh, yeah.

You look like a New York pussy, and you sound like a Texas hard ass. It's very weird. Yeah, I know it's weird, but whatever. You sound like you would drag you up behind a truck. Yeah. They did. Yeah, they did back in Georgia. All right, good.

I love that you say you're not a racist, but your shoes are so white they give out full-size candy bars on Halloween. Oh. Wow. These are fucking Air Force Ones, the hood, the shoe, whatever. Fuck it. I'm going to shit. Dude, look what I'm fucking wearing. I'm right there with you, but those are white shoes, dude. Yeah, it's like muddy and wet outside.

Agreed. How'd you do it? I got a question, though. Is everything you just said true? No, I didn't download Grindr, but I am woke. But you are what? I'm woke. No, I just used to do it like my buddy downloaded it,

and it sounds funnier if I fucking downloaded Grindr. Your buddy downloaded it on your phone? Yeah. No, no, my buddy downloaded it. That's everybody's excuse, right? I didn't get to finish the joke, but I like. Earlier in your set, you said some sort of fact about something. Oh, that everyone calls me racist out here?

No, that Facebook can tell if you're gay. That's not a fact. Where would you find that? Oh, Facebook. Facebook can tell if you're gay. Yeah. I don't know. Is that true?

I don't know. My buddy's a computer guy, and he told me. No, but that is actually a really good. Is that a real thing? It's a good premise for a joke. Yeah, I don't know. I think it's a good premise for a joke. I just want to know if it's real.

You just finished writing. I don't know. I need to know if it's real. I don't know. I don't know. I need to know if it's real. I don't know. Jesus, Doug, relax. I mean, listen, MySpace can tell if you're Mexican. Or in a Mexican band. I'm sorry.

You know, Tony, we could go on his phone and go in the app store, and if we go on the Grindr app, it will show if he's downloaded it before. I haven't. I'm clean. I mean, I'll show you. I've been clean. I've been clean on Grindr. He thinks we're police officers all of a sudden.

I mean, you just... We're going to figure out something about you. Yeah, we are. I think you might have a weapon under that outfit, jacket. No, I just got something here. Maybe it's that your friend downloaded Grindr on your thing, and that's why Facebook thinks you're gay. Well, let me just ask you this, Aaron.

What's the gayest thing you've ever done? Whoa, this is on camera. That's a little dangerous. Come on. What if it was just audio? I mean, we've all... You're not in Georgia anymore. We've all blown a guy before, right?

That's pretty normal. Which guy are we talking about? Middle school. This fucking ginger across the street when I was in middle school. Wow, really? He pressured me. It was for was from monopoly money it was like we were playing monopoly oh i thought you might have done it to see if he's a real ginger no no that's a good point so aaron how long have you been out of atlanta how long have you been here uh i moved out here

last uh september so how long you been doing stand-up since Since last July. You started and just moved right out. You didn't have anything there in Atlanta? You didn't have a girlfriend? I got put on unsupervised probation and I was like, fuck it, I'm moving out of here. You got put on UP? I don't know what UP is. Unsupervised probation, bitch.

Yeah. You down with UPB? You know me. Aaron, you're probably... It is weird not having your twin here, isn't it? No, come on. Aaron, you're probably never going to guess. It is a little weird.

Ask this question, but how'd you get put on probation? Well, I had too much weed in Georgia. It was felony possession of marijuana within 1,000 feet of a school. And then I violated it with two Xanaxes, so I went to jail for like three months. We also caught him on our show called Aliens vs. a Predator.

Hey! Chroma Chris! That was Chroma Chris for you audio-only listeners. That is the only thing he's said in 2019, and he's one for one, 1,000% slugging. I can imagine a sitcom for this guy,

Too Close to a School. Every week, you're too close to a school for whatever it is you're up to. Saved by the bell that's 500 feet away. So do you do a lot of pills still? No, I don't do nothing now. I'm good. I'm chilling. No, I don't.

Are you really good? How do you relax your mind? What do you do to stay calm here in Los Angeles? Have you created any new habits for yourself? Do you ever go hiking and scare people? Yeah, I'd be hiking up to Griffith. I live right there. I'd be meditating and shit. Why do I feel like when you go hiking, you only walk behind women and then go like this when they look?

No, I'd be speeding past them. I'm respectful. I'm respectful. How many times a day do people come up to you and say, are you a cop? None. I've been chilling. He's been in trouble before, so he fires back. He's like, are you a cop?

I could. So, yeah, I mean, it's a really interesting look. What do you do for work? I just got a job at this fucking, like, vegan deli spot. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, it's not a good look, but fuck it. Looks like you're working with grinders after all.

Yeah, exactly. What? I just said it's not a good look. You're very concerned with people thinking you're gay. It's not a joke. I'm asking. Wow. It took an alien to see through all of this.

You are kind of worried about people thinking you are gay. It got too real for a second. Why do you worry so much about that? Oh, no, no, no. The aliens know us better than we know ourselves. When the alien genuinely wants to know something, he turns into

an English-speaking Mexican boy. We have the ability to speak any dialect and any native tongue. Do not question us, Tony Hinchcliffe. Aliens don't understand cock blocking, I guess. When you suck that little ginger cock, did you like it? Oh, my God. Red man.

I mean, do you think of it to this day? Like little middle school people. Why do you have to call it a little ginger cock? Yeah. Why couldn't you just say penis? Because those are the keywords he has already searched for in his porn description. Sounds like a nice treat, a little ginger cock. It's like a ginger snap.

Aaron, what do you miss most about Georgia? What's the most hillbilly type of thing that you don't do anymore that you used to do? I mean, I don't know, man. Did you ever used to run around in your bare feet and jump over tree stumps and shit? No, I mean, I dated a girl who was barefoot in Walmart all the time, but that was... But she was Jewish.

I don't know, it was weird. Did she work there? Was that her job? You should be talking about this. Yes, you should be talking about this shit on stage. Would she leave her shoes outside of Walmart like it was Japanese? Yeah, yeah. She thought it was Benihana.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, we used to get fucked up in a barn. She started cooking meth on the tables. I used to do meth. That was pretty weird. Whoa. One time. One time I did meth.

You can't say used to do it and then it was just once. It was just once. That's tried it. Yeah, tried it. I tried it. I tried it. So I would start by saying that I used to do meth. Well, I tried it once.

What did you do after you smoked meth? That's the next day I went to jail for three months because I stayed up all night and tried to eat a bunch of Xanaxes to go to sleep. Wow. And it didn't work. Wow. Yeah, cops come in all the time. Hey, are you having trouble sleeping? You're under arrest.

Oh, Jesus Christ. We're the sleep police. The sleep police. We're coming to you. Sing it. The sleep police. Aaron, tell us a fun fact about you that we might be surprised to know about a little country boy

that looks like a computer boy fun fact I got four years sober I don't know but that's not really that cool I said a fun fact I really like is that the jacket they gave you when you did indoor skydiving

he collected $30 of funny money. Fun fact. Yeah. Like, what's something we'd be surprised to know about you? Like, he ain't gay. Yeah, that'd be a fun fact. Deep his throat. You know, I really, I kind of, you know, showed my hands too early with the jail thing.

That's normally, like, my special flex on, flex on Tinder dates, so I don't really... What? Your special flex is that you what? That I went to jail. It's kind of like, oh, he's a bad boy, but he's not. I'm a young Martin Maron. I'll tell you a fun fact. My best friend's name is... He's a bad boy. He speaks at kind of a loud volume in libraries.

Yeah. My best friend Muffin's in prison right now. That's kind of a fun fact. Sweet, sweet Muffin. Let's find out what this guy did. What the fuck did Muffin do to get in the big house? My friend Muffin. Is he a Muffin top or a Muffin bottom?

Jesus. Just going to say that. Admiral Nardward has landed. Shit. Why do you call him Muffin? He looked kind of like Winnie the Pooh, but he was like Andy Milonakis disease.

He looks like a baby. He's just fat. What did he do? Why is Muffin in prison? He wrestled his girlfriend and got caught with too much weed. Wrestled his girlfriend? By the way, you said both of those things like all of us do, both of those things all the time. Yeah, I mean, he did a couple of things.

He fought her twice. Jeremiah? He wrestled his girlfriend. He fingered a pig. What's the problem? Wow. It's a Tuesday night. That's what we call it in Georgia. You know what I mean? You beat them up a little bit, just a the problem? Wow. It's a Tuesday night. That's what we call it in Georgia.

You know what I mean? You beat them up a little bit, just a little wrestling, man. All right. Well, it was nice to meet you. Congratulations. It was nice to meet you. Thank you, guys. Thank you.

Aaron Patrick. Great job. Good start, brother. That was great. That was great. I think we're two for two. I'm not going to say in what, but we're definitely two for two. Imagine getting beaten up by a guy named Muffin. I completely agree.

And we're going to be right back after we tell you a little bit more about these amazing sponsors that put on tonight's show for us. Hey, guys. It's football playoff season. And what's more fun than putting some cash on the big game? And even if you don't like football, having some cash on the games makes it fun, which is why I like to get in on the action at betdsi.com. BetDSI has over 20 years in business. They've built a reputation on fast payment of winnings and they have an easy to use and fast playing interface. Bet games as they go. I mean, you know, I am a huge sports guy.

I don't know if you guys know that. They call me Sports Band. You know, I have some bets for coming up that we could bet on. Yeah, Red Band, you made picks for the playoffs. Yeah, you know, I think the Chiefs would beat the Colts in that hockey game over there, and the Rams are going to beat the Cowboys in that baseball game, and the Patriots will beat the Chargers, and maybe the Saints will beat the Eagles. That's what I think. I love it.

That's Red Band's NFL playoff picks. I can't believe it. And I'm watching UFC Fight Night. I got Dilla Shaw over Cejudo, Greg Hardy over Alan Crowder, and Yancey Medeiros over Greg Gillespie. I saw Yancey in a crazy fight a few months ago against Cowboy. No, it wasn't Cerrone. It was the other cowboy, the Brazilian.

Anyway, go to betdsi.com and use the promo code KILL120 so they know that we sent you. You can deposit, cash out, and get paid up until $1,000. They give you a 50% bonus on your initial deposit. It's unbelievable. That comes with a rollover requirement, but $1,000 deposit will give you $1,500 to play with. So once again, that's betdsi.com, promo code KILL120. Infinite CBD offers the cleanest, healthiest, and purest form of CBD available.

CBD has become more popular. You're seeing it everywhere, and it's because the stuff works. It gives you the benefits of marijuana without getting high, and it's illegal. You can get it sent to you anywhere in the country. It seems too good to be true. That's because it's just great. You know, I agree. My feet were sore the other day from walking through your mind, you know?

Yeah. And I rubbed some on my feet, let my girlfriend watch it, and we Ustreamed it, put it on the Internet. But it actually helped my feet immediately. Like a lot of these creams and stuff that you put on your feet, like you feel the results fast, or at least I do. And there's so many different ways that you can take CBD. There's lotions, there's gummy bears, there's pills. Yeah, it helps people that have chronic pain, inflammation, anxiety, and more.

And a lot of people have stopped using traditional medications in this time where there's a lot of that going on, especially where we're from in Ohio, people trying to do pain pills and everything, dealing with things. CBD is a miracle, miracle, and a wonder. They have gummies, capsules, topical creams. Go to InfiniteCBD.com. They have products that will help improve your life. Use the promo code TONY15, and you're going to get 15% off.

Once again, InfiniteCBD.com, promo code TON going to get 15% off. Once again, InfiniteCBD.com, promo code Tony15 for 15% off. You know, I want to rub some Infinite CBD on your neck right now. What a great way to start 2019, rubbing Infinite CBD into each other's necks. That sounds good. Let's get out of here, Red Band. And we are back, live from the Comedy Store. Who's ready for more, huh? Back to the bucket we go.

Nice break. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for James Bida, everyone. Here we go, James Bida. That sounds familiar to me. Here he comes. James B. Duck.

Alright, here we are. We made it. So, anyone else spend their holiday break with a fucking boil between their ass cheeks? No, just me. All right. It's bad enough to have all my relatives constantly tell me that I look older. It's even worse when they're reasoning it's because I'm walking around like this. Don't touch me. I didn't know what to tell

them other than I was trying to honor my almost-on-her-deathbed grandmother. I know I was wishing I was on my deathbed when, for the first time since I was a baby, I had to show my sweet mother my gaping asshole. That was something. I had to get on all fours, stick my ass in the air, just to have my mom take one look and say, wow, you've gotten older. Thank you.

James Bida. Am I saying that right? Bida, B-I-D-A? Yeah. Professor Admiral Nerdward. I thought he was going to come.... Admiral Nerk-Nok. Nerd-Nok? Nerm-Nok.

Nerk-Nok. Nerk-Nok. Nerd-Nok. Who's there? Hold on a second. I did that like an hour ago. In subordinates will be death. In subordinates will be death.

All right. James, so first things first, you are the prettiest woman we've had on stage Here tonight Certainly the thinnest Admiral Admiral Nerdnock What do you got over there?

He looks like the prince of a race of people That did not survive in my galaxy I thought he was going to come up and check all the microphone cords Just for a quick second You guys are good Sibilance He looks like his dream job I thought he was going to come up and check all the microphone chords just for a quick second. Be like, you guys are good. You guys are good. Sibilance. Sibilance.

You guys are good. He looks like his dream job is guitar center. That would be a good job. He does. You know how to play guitar? Yes. You really, really look like you do. I was in a band since I was like 12.

What was the name of the band? Stay on top. Stay on top. So positive message. Squashing the name of the band? Stay on Top. Stay on Top. So positive message. Squashing the violence. I love it. Are you on Spotify or anything like that? SoundCloud.

SoundCloud. Christian Rock? No, but I have been in a Christian Rock band. What was a Christian Rock band's name? My Wake. Okay. You should be talking about this shit on stage. This is hilarious.

Christian Rock is a joke. And the fact that you are in it and actually penetrated. What's the difference between that and gaping ass material? Well, they're very similar. You could tie them both together. What was worse? A little of each. A little sprinkle of gaping ass.

And then a soupon of the other thing. Let me ask, what was worse, your mom having to look in your open ass at the boil or her having to listen to your Christian rock band? No, she loves the Christian rock. Yeah, well, so she's got no judgment. Okay. Yeah, she loves Christianity. So what was the name of your Stay on Top's biggest song on SoundCloud? You know, it's been a while.

I don't really remember. We can tell. Let's just say you're not exactly staying on top of the billboards. In that band, I only played the bass. It wasn't really my friend's band. Okay, look at how he's. I'm sorry. I can't hear you because of all the backpedaling that's going on.

So you were just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Great job. I'd love to see you say that to Roger Waters. You're just all over there, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Look at you, you big dummy. Fuck you, peanut, with your boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah, peanut. 311 Cruise, we're going to have a blast.

Yeah, I'm excited. Doug keeps doing the Seinfeld bass. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, Doug keeps doing the Seinfeld bass. Is my sister's name? I would say probably Throwing Punches. Oh, you finally answered the question. Who was the lead singer, Muffin? Well, he was always on top.

He was the top singer. Do you only play bass or you play regular guitar? No, yeah, I started with the bass, but I've been playing the guitar since like 2012. Oh, shit. Here we go. Here, stay on top. Is this you? Here we go.

Stay on top. Oh, man. We're about to get fucking schooled. Oh, yeah, dude. You're going to sing us a little verse, bro? He doesn't sing. You're singing tonight, bitch. No.

How's it go? Do you know the words? This is the Looney Tunes theme song. No. This is always on top. Looney Tunes reggae. Well, James. Kind of ska rock.

Reggae, hardcore, rock, ska. Our main thing was like playing like bassist shows. Bassist shows in Boston. Let me ask you this, James. Where do you think it all went wrong? Did you have arguments with the... Yeah, at one point, the leader of the band was like,

I'm staying on top. And everyone was like, all right, we'll stay on top then. All right, that's good. And then what did they all go on to do? What did the rest of the band go on to do? Any of them join a big band? Are they in fucking Greta Van Fleet or anything like that? Our drummer, he had his own band called

Fourth The Band, but they broke up too. Now he lives out in L.A. I went back home and stayed with my parents for a bit. Where's home? Boston. Which is where we started. That's where we were playing. Okay. A lot of great bands started in Boston. Not yours, but a lot of great bands.

So what do you do for fun now? How do you fill that void of missing out on rock and roll? Do you OD in an alley after a matinee performance of Jesus Christ Superstar? Good question. I didn't hear the question. It's too gentle. He didn't hear it. Sorry.

So James, what do you do for fun now? Well, I just bought an RV Like two months ago, I've been fixing that up I just quit my job from Dunkin Donuts Wow I think you're required So they give you a pretty sweet severance? That's right, man

Here's some RV money, pal It's like, give me my fritters, bitch I'm running out of funds Wow So you're going to live in it? I am living in it it's like give me my fritters bitch I'm running out of funds wow so you're gonna live in it I am living in it what was the worst part of working at Dunkin Donuts being like all my

co-workers were kids just out of high school they didn't understand your passion for music I get it it's just like my boss was very childish like I didn't even tell him I was quitting until my last day just like fuck it

that's how quitting works also how long have you been stealing clothes from Darlene from Roseanne wow they know that in your alien world I am new to the English language my whole wardrobe is still clothes my parents bought me Wow, you know that in your alien world. That's interesting. I am new to the English language.

My whole wardrobe is still closed. My parents bought me. So you're living on the bare necessities, huh? The bare necessities. Hey, that's a Jungle Book reference. Nice. There you go. The Phil Harris version of the bare necessities. All right.

Oh, man. What is, what? It's because he looks like the kid from the Jungle Book, everybody. Yeah, Mowgli. Mowgli. Mowgli. Mowgli. Where's Baloo? Mowgli.

Yes. Okay. When they canceled that show about the singing kids, I was like, Mowgli. Anyway, so James, did you get a lot of chicks in your rock and roll days? Were you? During that time, I was really involved with my guitarist's girlfriend. What?

Whoa. That, I... Awesome. I wish that I had Jessie's girl. It's a Fleetwood Mac situation. I was really in love with this girl for a long time.

Where's she? What ended up happening with that? She ghosted me. She's gone. I don't know where she is. But you hooked up with her girl for a long time. Where is she? What ended up happening with that? She ghosted me. She's gone. I don't know where she is. But you hooked up with her? Many times, yes.

Many times. Did the guitarist ever find out about it? Not that I know of. You want to call him right now and tell him? Confess to him? Yeah. Let's do it. Let's do it.

Yeah, I think you should, dude. I think this episode needs a little fucking shot of adrenaline. Who thinks that James will be a legend on this show forever? Oh, my God. Call him up. I don't know if I still have his phone number, though. Oh, no, you still have his phone number. Don't you fucking lie to me, boy.

Just at the end of the phone call, just be like, now who's always on top? Admiral Nerd Knock. Here we go. I used to sleep with your girlfriend, and now I live in an RV. Take that. Is that for real? Okay, stop with the sound effects. Okay.

Yeah, I still have it. Hey! Okay, so let me explain how this is going to go, okay? Because we only have one chance at this. First of all, we all have to stay calm, all right? This has to be a very normal conversation. Yes, exactly. Can I get another drink?

Yes, get Doug another drink now. That order's in. So we've done this a few times on this show. This is a high-pressure situation. You only have one shot on it. Even Admiral Nerdnock put his lit-up mouthpiece back into his mouth for the occasion. He knows that this is about to be on YouTube separate clips. So he's reloading.

This is like fucking cracking a safe right now. This is unreal. It really is amazing. I believe I am what humans call hard. This is unreal. It really is amazing. I believe I am what humans call hard. Hey, Joelberg's into 2019. All right.

His nurk is knocked. So here's how this is going to go. Now, there's a few different ways to do this. But I think the best way is, by the way, the whole audience, you guys have to try your best to stay quiet. You can go fucking ballistic afterwards or if he finds out, like, you know, he's on the show or whatever. But for the most part, we have to keep it straight or else he's going to be on the other end of the phone on to us, right? Because a room full of hundreds of people laughing sounds like a room full of hundreds of people laughing. So you don't want me to tell them that I'm on a show?

No, no, no, no, no. You're going to fucking tell them. That I'm on a show? But after. After. Oh, okay. People, I have it in my head already. You got to talk some shit first and then.

Yeah, the way to do this is to, you know, maybe just, you know, soften them up a little bit. Be like, hey, you know, shut the fuck up. Fucking idiot. So the way to do this, James, is you'll soften him up a little bit. You'll be like, hey, it's James, man, from fucking Stay on Top.

And then you're gonna go, look, man, things are good for me, dude. I'm just, you know, I'm fucking being an artist out in LA. How about you? What are you up to? And ask him what he's up to, right. I'm just, you know, I'm fucking being an artist out in L.A. How about you? What are you up to? And ask him what he's up to, right? And then you say something like, hey, you know,

there's been something that's been on my chest for a long time. I already got it. I already got it. Just say you're an A.A. It's one of your things. I've never wanted to say this, but I think it's time.

Right, I've never wanted to tell you this, but some guy forced me to tell you. If my RV goes off a cliff, I'll never forgive myself. We've got a 30-speed. Fuck it. But here's what's important. You have to do it on speakerphone, okay? You have to make sure that the bottom of the phone is pressed up against the top of the microphone.

Whatever you do, don't pull it away. And if it goes to the answering machine, pull it away so that the number doesn't go into the live stream. Okay? And the only other thing that we have to cover in this is... Have thousands of Death Squad listeners, hey man, your girlfriend got straight raw dog back in the

day. What could go wrong? So then you tell them, I just wanted to let you know, and you tell them the truth, like that whole time. What's the girl's name? Dory.

What is it? Dory, like Doris? Just say I found Dory. It was interesting watching you while you were finding Dory. Sounds like a three at best. Yeah, I've never... I mean, you type in Dory,

that's going to come up pretty quick. How many Dorys does anybody know? Especially ones you remember after three seconds. What's behind Dory number three? This guy. James B. Okay. Was she like the fish in the movie?

Was she forgetful? Oh, my God. Doug she like the fish in the movie? Was she forgetful? Oh my god, Doug. Are you listening to the show that you're on at all? We're talking about Dory. Very good. In a separate universe. So James, are you ready to fucking do this? Who thinks James is going to be a Kill Tony legend after this?

I think so too. This is a big deal. For those of you just catching up, let me basically reset this for the YouTube clip. James is about to call his old guitarist from the band. How long were you in a band with this guy? Two years. And how long were you fucking his girl the whole time?

No, for like seven months. Oh, this is amazing. Okay, that's cool. For some reason, it was only seven months. It's fine. In our planet, that is amazing. Okay, that's cool. That's cool. For some reason, that made... Guys, it's cool. For some reason, that's like... It was only seven months. It's fine. It's fine. In our planet, that is all good then.

So try to remember everything I told you, what to do, what not to do, and here we go. James is about to call the guitar player and tell him he was fucking his girl for seven months. You have reached the... Oh, that was quick. Oh, my God. I try again. Try again. girl for seven months. You have reached the voice. Oh, that was quick. Oh, my God. I try again.

Try again. You have reached the voice. Uh-oh. Okay. Here's what I want you to do. Here's what I want you to do. I'm watching right now. Facebook Messenger. Okay.

No, because his phone might be shut off. So why don't you – here's what we're going to do. We're going to keep the show moving, right? What about Facebook Messenger? Listen to me. Listen to me. We're going to keep the show moving. What about Facebook Messenger? Listen to me. We're going to keep the show moving. What about LinkedIn?

What about... We're going to keep the show moving. What about carrier pigeon? In nine months from now, we will find the results of whether or not he slept with a girl. We're going to keep the show moving along. Here's what I want you to do in the meanwhile. I want you to Facebook message him and

tell him that you need to talk to him. Is there any chance that you can call him? Is there a number where he can reach you at? And if that doesn't work, if you don't get a response immediately, call or text all your other friends that know him and ask what his new number is. And then when you get a new number,

you come right back up to this fucking stage. You are up here. There he goes. James Beda. Good job, dude. Who hopes that he comes back and becomes a legend tonight? Hey, dude.

All right. Well, who knows? James could be back any minute. Okay. I believe this young man's been on the show before. Let's watch a new 60 seconds from the stylings of Tatenda. Everybody, Tatenda.

Tatenda. 20, 20, 24 hours ago I want to be sedated Nothing, nothing, nowhere to go I want to be sedated One more time for Tatenda, everyone. Thank you. So, um, I'm originally from South Los Angeles.

And I speak this way because it's easier to get around. To all my black friends out there, I highly recommend you adopt an English accent. When the officer asks you for your wallet and your driver's license, you simply say to him, oh yes, of course, sir. Let me show you my medieval pouch. But be careful how you use it. One time I went too far, I had a bit of a sore throat, and I kind of sounded like Idris Elba,

and I was like, yes officer, I was driving drunk, I'm sorry, she left me. And then I was made chief of police. So if anyone knows who killed Cindy, let me know. I was, hey. Hell yeah Tatenda Are you playing I want to be sedated Because Tatenda reminds you of a young Bill Cosby

Oh come on He finished his set and I wanted to be like Tatenda That was That was fun What do you really sound like He finished his set and I wanted to be like, to tend to. That was fun. What do you really sound like? I guess it's kind of similar, but less British. I guess it's a mix of British and American. You're from England?

I'm from Zimbabwe, which is a British colony. Yeah, sure. Right on. That's Africa. What is happening? That's fascinating. Is there stand-up comedy in Zimbabwe? Yeah, I did stand-up in Zimbabwe.

How was that? It was interesting. It was good. I guess it's kind of like a newer art form. It's been around, but not many people do it. What was it like being the butler on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? That's so lame. That's so lame. That's so lame. I was going to ask him if he was Robert Downey Jr.,

but that is rude. That is ridiculous. This is the best character Robert Downey Jr. has ever been. I was adding the butler bit, actually, as another part of that. You're a fascinating and interesting dude. You have a lot to draw upon. How is Los Angeles

different from Zimbabwe? Well, I mean, there's a lot less black people, I guess. I thought you were going to say it's a lot more violent. Actually, geographically, it's kind of similar. No, it's not.

L.A. feels like... L.A. feels like... Okay. There's a lot less zebras. All right. Come on. Is that what you call the where you're from? L.A. feels like one big suburb,

and Zimbabwe, everything's kind of spread out. So it's kind of similar, but... Wait, say that one more time. Zimbabwe, L.A.'s like one big suburb. It's just very spread out, and Zimbabwe's kind of like, everything's kind of spread out. So it's kind of similar, but... Wait, say that one more time. Zimbabwe, LA's like one big suburb. It's just very spread out, and Zimbabwe's kind of similar. Right, right. Yeah. Craziest animal you've ever seen?

Well, one time I was at a game count, and this elephant... A what? A game, oh, you were counting the game that was fired on. Basically, you do, okay, so you go, there's this game count thing they do, where people go out and just count the numbers of wildlife out there. I was with my German friends. I call that looking for chicks.

Oh, come on. Wait, you went looking for a game with your German friends? Yeah, because it's kind of like a white thing to do, but I was just like, you know, I'll try something new. And so what they do is they go out and they count all the animals and there's a camp and you're not supposed

to bring fruit. Wait, Germans near a camp? I don't like this. Das ist gut. I feel like I know what kind of animals they were hunting out there. They were not hunting that. God damn it. There's not a single Jew out here.

I don't know why my German sounds like that. That sounds very German. That sounds like the other guy. German town, Tennessee. Do the animals try to hide? No, okay, I saw an elephant right behind me, and it reached into my gin and tonic and had a sip. Yeah.

Elephant reached into your gin and tonic and had a sip. Because they're so big that the surface area... Thank God you roofied it. Thank God you roofied it. Thank God you roofied it. That's why you always do it, guys. An elephant will come in and... An elephant will remember if you don't roofie it. You don't.

Wow, okay. One in the trunk, two in the drunk. That's what we always say when we're roofying elephants. Anyway, you're not supposed to bring fruit into the camp because the elephants are notorious for just coming into the camp and taking fruit from people. They're fucking dicks. They'll pack your derm.

But yeah, LA is cool. It's very different. I mean, it's America, I guess. Yes. Yeah. Not anymore. What are some of your favorite things to do for fun around here? I go to Universal.

I went to the Hogwarts thing at Universal Studios. That was pretty fun. Phenomenal. And you were the black kid they gave the scholarship to. For Hogwarts, you? Wingardium Leviosa, bitch. What did they make you? Hufflepuff Daddy?

Oh, come on. Well, actually... Bitch be Slytherin. You were the prisoner of Azkaban. I'm sorry, Azkaban. Oh, come on. No, actually, I was just another serious black. Oh, wow.

Very good. Very good. Very good. That was very impressive. Very good. Very good. Very good. Very good. Very impressive, Tatenda.

That's everybody's dream. That's what you want to do on this show. Why did I become the all-Negro wave? What happened right there? Take some notes, comedians out there. That was a great joke. That's it. You can always make fun of yourself. You're a fascinating dude.

Just Rupert Grant and Barrett. You're a fascinating dude who has stories and things in your past that nobody here has. So I would dig into all those things. Yeah, like being a black man that went to Harry Potter World. Yes! It's the rarest thing in the world. Are you due back soon on the holodeck? It's a very Star Trek kind of outfit

For anybody that I know what you're talking about Who just said Star Trek Hey Star Trek Well technically I am like a non-resident alien So I feel you Do you have to go back to Zimbabwe? I actually just applied for a work visa, so I'm waiting for the results.

Well, I'm sure that's not going to take a long time right now. We hope. Yeah. Every agency seems to be clicking along as we speak. So you're not working? At the moment, I'm just doing this. Yeah. Dude, you have a great personality. You have a great fucking presence. Thank you. You're a good-looking dude,, you have a great personality.

You have a great fucking presence. You're a good looking dude and you have an interesting story. I think you could be a great comic if you really just write a bunch of great jokes. Is that all you have to do? Is that all you have to do? No, but I mean like write about yourself.

You should write some great jokes. No, dude, write about yourself because you have great stories to tell. I would be fascinated to hear all the shit. i fucking how many people come and had an elephant how many people roofied an elephant that's my question that's really i want to know probably not many okay so and i'm going to i'm going to take a second to acknowledge something that i don't normally do but you've been on the show a few times yeah right and we've had some really rough goes you've taken some real chances up here i remember one of the times things went horribly wrong.

You were like this character that had a mask or something crazy, like a doctor's mask. Long story short, it went horrible. Then you came here tonight. You got a standing O from the entire panel at one point, and you stayed in the pocket with the interview, and it went smoothly for an entire eight and a half minutes on top of your 60 seconds.

So there you go. That just goes to show keep coming back. Get better. You can have a fucking breakthrough set. How about one more time for Tatenda, ladies and gentlemen? Let's keep it moving along. T-A-1-0-T-O D-O

T-A-1-0-D-A Oh, Tatenda. It's Ta, the numberO-T-A-1-0-D-A? Oh, Tatenda. It's Ta, the number 10, D-A. I mean, you should think about changing it to Sirius Black. James Bida is James R. Bida, B-I-D-A on Instagram. Where's James at? Can we get a James Bida update? Where's this motherfucking...

No one's answering. He's still trying to figure out... He may have found out that you were fucking his girl and killed himself. I'm interested to get an update. Not like tonight, but years ago. He didn't need James there to find out. I mean, Dory could have told him.

Dory. Just wanted to let you know, I was fucking James Beda for seven months. What the fucking bass player did? fucking James Beater for seven months. What? The fucking bass player did? You were fucking the bass player? Dude, all the time I took to learn the electric guitar. What?

That dude was the boil on the ass of this band. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Just like, stay on bottom, dude. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's keep this fun train moving along

with the comedy stylings of Erica Dawson. Here we go. Here we go. Hello, hello, I'm Erica Dawson. Quick, I'd just like to kind of gauge the room. Who else in here has pissed on someone before, huh? All right, all right, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, good to know.

Yeah, good to know. Something else about me, I just turned 26, lost health care, where'd she go? Still looking for her. So I'm trying to take, you know, better care of myself, but I'm kind of tapping into that, you know, third eye, kind of higher vibrational shit, so I'm meditating, you know,

with green juice bouncing on my own shanty own fingies you know I'm doing a that hot yogurt in the studio like namaste see if we play party break kickball change you know keeping it fun uh what else I'm getting kombucha you guys up with kombucha in here yeah I'm getting kombucha I'm putting it up my butt. It's a butt chug cleanse. That's what you do with kombucha. So yeah, I'm keeping it fun, keeping it frisky. What else? I do background work, extra work, just because I really don't want to know

what confidence feels like, and that's the one L.A. dream I can just keep alive. And this is Shakira at Starbucks. Venti, venti, venti. No ice, no ice, no ice. Please don't forget. No, I'll beat mei. No ice, no ice, no ice. Please don't forget. Not a bit meow. Thank you. Wow.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. I've never heard anybody do anything that great after the meow. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, best after the meow. Your post-meow game is so tight. Even I, I gave the hard look to the left at the end

to see how close Red Band was to hitting the bear on them. You hit the bear fast, but you fucking stopped him. Yeah. You stopped that bear dead in his tracks. It appears that the student has become the teacher, and the teacher has become a student, which also explains why you're dressed like that, Erica Dawson. I think she looks cute. No, yeah, I mean, she has become a student, which also explains why you're dressed like that, Erica Dawson. I think she looks cute.

No, yeah. I mean, she has like a cute face, but she's dressed like a haggard haggard human. I would pee on her. She's dressed like she warms up next to a barrel fire. When you're used to peeing, make sure you stay warm.

She has been tirelessly leading the rebellion. Oh. She says she peed on somebody. She could have peed on herself. You don't know that with that coat. That is what we're going to talk about first. The first thing you said is anybody else ever pissed on someone? Anyway, moving on.

That was your first joke and your first segue. Let's talk a little bit more about that, shall we? On Planet Kiltron, that is also how we greet our mothers. Wow. It wasn't on my mom, but it was sexual. It was sexual. How was it? Hey, Red Band!

Look out! It wasn't R. Kelly! Not into that. Real talk. For real, real talk. Her clothes invoke the Mark Zuckerberg version of Lex Luthor. Continue. Was that a one-time thing?

I was in a relationship with someone who wanted me to piss on them often. How did you feel about it? I was open to it. As long as I'm not being hurt, you know, I'm pretty open. That's a tough, I mean, you just gotta be really hydrated in that relationship. You really do. You have to be very, it's a lot of water and beer mixing.

If you want a fast kind of... I have a Costco subscription. Membership. Wow, okay. What can I say that would work? I guess nothing. Anyway, so Wow, okay. What can I say that would work? I guess nothing. What the hell? Anyway, so that was a regular thing that you would do?

It was a regular thing. Is that like he would lay down in the bathtub type of thing? No, it was in the shower. It was like a standing shower situation. I used to kind of, like I had a girl that always wanted me to pee inside of her. Yes, we've heard. Dude, that to pee inside of her. Yes. Yes. Dude that requires a level of accuracy. You don't have.

Some girls like squirters. Let me ask you this. What? Oh I forgot. Oh shit. Buddy. Buddy. So close. By the way this is fascinating that like so that relationship is done. Very very. Isn't that crazy that like that's one part of your life. You just pissed on a dude for a while in a shower?

I thought of what I wanted to ask. Yes, let's hear it. Do you ever bring asparagus into the mix? Oh, no. Come on. That's when the relationship went sour. A little vitamin C. The old wash the vegetables. So, Erica,

this is a situation when you say standing shower Was it a large standing shower Large enough for him to lay flat No he didn't lay down We were both standing He wanted me to piss on his dick Was he shorter than you

Same height So he would just sort of crouch down Would he have a boner When you peed on it As I trickled the boner when you peed on it? As I trickled, the boner became larger. Wow. It was like a... Dude, by the way, fuck that phone call over there.

This is the YouTube clip right here. Absolutely. So his dick was like a gremlin. Yeah, you weren't supposed to... What time does this happen? Yeah, you weren't supposed to. What time does this happen? Yeah, you weren't supposed to pee on the gremlins. That was the thing, right?

Not after midnight. Don't pee on them. Don't pee on the gremlins. Now, that is just a fascinating thing that I think most people, I mean, I like that you opened with that thing, but I think you can go further with it. Yeah. As far as the material goes, because people. Do you have any fetishes, sexual fetishes? Did you call them fetishes? Oh my God.

Fetishes. Miss, do you have any fathomesses? I'm sorry. I'm nervous. I just had a Shirley Temple. Well, for like most women here,

a fetish for me is just a guy going down on me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Jesus. Right? It's special and it's rare. That is very obtainable on my planet. Okay, good.

Good to know. But I will say, I'm a chronic belcher, which is a thing. Never mind. But dudes are really into it. Like, I have a following on Instagram and it was just kind of an accident. Like, I found out belch fetish is like a really big thing. Yeah, that following on Instagram and it was just kind of an accident. I found out belch fetish is a really big thing. Can you give us a little example of

a little taste of what's up? In China, it's polite to belch when you come. You know, in Singapore, you could get cane. It's better if I got suds. I'm a natural gal. I'm not like, force it right now. I would like to challenge her to a burp

off. Nergneck. Every once in a while Admiral Nerdnock will challenge people to random things. We've seen him. Some of his specialties are kicking high in the air. On his planet. That's how he greets his mother.

We've seen him out-rap a guy that said he was a professional rapper. Yeah, I mean, this band does not fuck around. He is getting super intense right now. So here we go. First off in the Belch Off, a woman with an extra Instagram following based on her belching. Ladies and gentlemen, here it is. Erica Dawson. It's good. It was wet.

Wow, that was it? Alright, her opponent. Her opponent here. For the audio listeners, he's sucking in his stomach. Wait a minute. It's good to see Christian Bale preparing for another role. That's just taunting right now. Ladies and gentlemen, Admiral Nerdknock.

Okay. That sounded like he made a pre-belch noise. Yeah, I think she won. Anybody could do that part. You did more pre-belching than she did material after the meow. Oh, listen to that one. Oh, my God. Wow, it's like I'm about to watch an MGM movie.

Yep. Whoa, she just fired back with another one. For those of you just listening to the podcast, a snake just crawled out of Jeremiah's mouth on that one. And there are, like like dudes jerking off to this somewhere. There are. You're going to get a bigger following than you. I know. He's going to throw up again.

He's going to hurt himself. Don't throw up. Do not throw up. I never thought I'd say this to Jeremiah on stage. Your anus is going to prolapse. Sit down. Sit the fuck down. The winner without a doubt Jeremiah Watkins everybody. No doubt about it. But Erica that was a great showing.

You have a great personality great presence as well. How long have you been doing stand up? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. That is so awesome. Thank you. And all of it here in L.A.?

Yeah, yeah. Here in L.A. Yeah. Fuck off Jeremiah. But I love how you're here in L.A., yeah. Just bouncing around. Fuck off, John. But I love how you're reacting to that. I think you have a very funny, you know, like, facial expressions as well, which I think obviously you used in your set, but I think you are a promising comic and would like to see you up here again.

There you go. There she goes. Erica Dawson, ladies and gentlemen. Great job, great job. Follow her on Twitter at Lady Erica Dawson. All right. Let's have some fun, shall we? At the end of –

How much money have we raised? Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys guys guys burping on this fucking thing is not a thing Brian I don't know how you got excited you realize everybody in the world can belch right like that's a normal thing that was me I watched it that segment was brought to you by zip recruiter I love it Jeremiah still doesn't understand how sponsors

work but moving on from another planet I do not understand that is true uh but one guy uh that uh does understand how things work is our brand new regular ladies and gentlemen and i believe he is here for his first ever regular spot of 2019 and in the history of kill tony because we made him a regular the last time he was on. He's one of my favorite things right now. He's silly.

He's loose. I consider him sort of like maybe in a weird way, like a modern-day sort of like Andy fucking Kaufman if he was like with brain damage or something. Here he is for his first set as a Kill Tony regular. Ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery. I'm crazy for

feeling so lonely. So I've been playing a bunch of Monopoly recently. And I'll be quite frank if after the first go round I don't land on Ventnor Avenue I'm gonna fucking lose it

if someone ever tries to sell you ecstasy on boardwalk, don't do it. It's a cop. You want to take him for pops? I got 20. That is my impression of the Hispanic Little Mermaid. Originally, that was black. I didn't know if I should say black.

Fuck yeah How was y'all's Christmas? Hey, good question That's how it works Oh, shit, man Oh, he is He does look like young Chris Kringle Yeah

My only criticism is that he could have worn some denim Yeah Yes Maybe a denim hat Come on I was actually in South Korea Three weeks ago And they wear a bunch of denim in South Korea

William Montgomery How about one more time for our friend William Here we go We're off and running Very funny set First one to sort of like scare us and really perform, really shock the crowd, I think, there for a second.

I don't think anyone saw that Lose Your Mind at Ventnor Avenue joke that you did coming. I forgot that. But it is a really good piece of property. That's in the yellow, I do believe. Right? It is. Yellow's good. I'm obsessed

with Monopoly. I pride myself on being undefeated lifetime in Monopoly. Do you? That's how long it takes to play one game. Yeah. That's the kid that can stay up all night because he's jittery. It's true.

I'll put a hotel on that joke. That was a good one. So William, what was the part that you almost said black instead of Hispanic? What was that part again? You want thingamabobs? I got 20

from the Little Mermaid song. I think there's something gold in there. I think that could be a really good joke. Are you sure it's 20? I thought she had plenty. Plenty. It's 20.

I think it's fucking plenty, dude. And I think we should go to the tape. Let's go to the tape. Yeah, let's hear it. I think it's like... I got thingamabobs around plenty. You want thingamabobs? I got 20.

Dude, that's just knowing how many thingamabobs you have got 20. I got... Dude, that's just knowing how many thingamabobs you have at all times. Is that under the sea? Is that what you're talking about? It's from Little Mermaid. Wait, wait. She doesn't even know

the name of it and she knows how many she has? Right, she's got plenty, right? Part of the world? It's 20? Part of the world. Well, she... Is she a Jewish mermaid?

Oh, come on. Stop it, LeBron. Oh, part of the world. Is she a Jewish mermaid? Oh, come on. Stop it, LeBron. Oh, part of your world. Maybe there is some. What part? It's in the middle of this goddamn song. God damn it. Thinking about Bob's.

What part is this going to happen? There's no way we're going to get kicked off of YouTube because of this part of the show. Nope. Not going to let it happen, little William Montgomery. No way. Think about Bob's. I got my eyes on the prize. He's got fucking lots of them.

20. At least 20. William, what do you do for the holiday season, my friend? You're such an interesting character. I feel like there's never a dull moment with you. So how does a guy like you spend the holidays? Went back to Memphis. I'll be quite frank. On the plane ride

home, I ate some edibles after our podcast we did. That's right. He was on Jeremiah Wonders. What happened after you ate the edibles? Took a third of a Xanax bar. Let's give it up for Mark Harmon back in Memphis, Tennessee. Oh.

Hey, Tony, we got the lyrics right here. It's actually 20. It is true. William was right. It's absolutely 20. Basically, though, I ended up going through the TSA feeling good, and the guy, after I get out of the thing where you put your arms up, he's like, hey, do you have bullets in your pocket?

A what? Seriously, he asked me that and it horrified me. I was scared to death. Like the vibrator? And I was like, uh, I don't... In my defense, 20 is plenty. So he asked you if you have bullets and then what happens?

I said I didn't, and then he said, because I see your guns talking about my arms. My arms are big. And I laughed, but I was like, you need to be careful. Don't be saying that. You don't know how much pot I did. It scared me. I thought it was because you looked like a revolutionary war soldier.

Reenactor. Y'all come to the roast battle on the 16th. I'm playing a Confederate war soldier. Really excited. You're talking about historical roast, not roast battle. Historical roast. It's a totally different show than what you just plugged. Fuck yeah.

Regular roast. Y'all come watch Twister, too. I am a soldier in the white army what so William you went through that and then what happened ended up in Memphis my mother Frances saw me

the first evening I had that beard going she looked at me, sort of did her head to and fro. The next day, I go with Larry, my father, to a sports clips. Sports club? Clips. Great clips.

Haircut place where you can watch sporting events. Haircut place. Lady cuts my hair. Cuts a little too much off the mustache. I can see it is a little bit... It's an Amish vibe. I don't like it. She sports clipped you.

She sports clipped you. You get a scalp massage? I did. Yeah, you did. You seem pretty happy. Y'all be scalp mistresses. Is your parents harsh on you? Did you have a very strict childhood growing up? I did.

I was the oldest of three boys. Some dudes suck your dick in middle school? What the fuck? Oh, God. Come on. I get it. Unbelievable. I get where he was going with that. Come on. I get it. Unbelievable. I get where he was going with that.

Who are we calling? Unbelievable. Did he suck your dick in middle school? A nice guy, Travis Anderson. Wow. All right. Got real quick. Just got real specific up here.

Swin from zero to dick sucked real quick. Yeah, I got it up here. Swing from zero to dick sucked real quick. Were they strict though? Because you were so nervous about your look. I remember before you went on a holiday. You said your aunt was going to be mad at the length of your beard. Is she mad?

You said, I'm going to be quite frank. My aunt's going to be mad about the length of my beard. Mary was not. During Christmas Eve evening, they have a relative named Dan, who I think is severely autistic, and he reads the Night Before Christmas poem. It's beautiful. There was a moment Mary was looking at me just nodding her head yes

I like the haircut I'll tell you something about this story you're telling right now mouses are stirring not even if I came home with that beard I would just play tons of ZZ Top and just be like, you motherfuckers

sort it out. That's it. What rock band would you rather be in? ZZ Top or Stay on Top? I think they should be called Stay on Bottom. Well, William, I will say this, is that this is your first set

as a regular on this show, and you came out guns a-blazin'. There's nothing more fun than for me to get to watch. I believe this is both Doug and Randy's first time seeing you. You were awesome, dude. Super high me. I loved that your psychic abilities increased. Oh, shit.

Yeah, that's true. Thank you. Thanks, dude. Yeah, great job I just love that we never know when you're ending with a thought like we don't know when it's gonna end like you could be done now

or more could be coming constructive criticism whenever there's a punchline do this with the hat and curtsy and just curtsy a little bit. You want to think of a Bob? Look at that. Oh, yeah.

People love it. That is... Get a denim hat. You should get a denim hat, though. There he goes, William Montgomery, everyone. That's a sports clip I can get behind. There he goes. That guy is funny.

That was funny. Two princes. There he goes, everyone guy is funny. That was funny. Two princes. There he goes, everyone. Two princes. Unbelievable. Great pick, Tony. Isn't he awesome? He's so funny.

Fun times. What do you guys think? Should we go back to the bucket one more time? Let's go back to the bucket! One more time. We're going to celebrate. Oh, yeah. Okay. Hey, what happened to James Beedle what did we find out nothing

wow he talked to his brother trying to get a hold of him we're doing everything we can to ruin this guy's night alright well you're not a legend yet. Hopefully you have about seven, eight more minutes to get this fucking shit done, James.

Good luck. That's right. The Dolphin of... Regret. The Dolphin of Time. Dolphin of Regret is just blowing it. Can I get a dab rig up here? Hell.

I pulled your final comedian of the night's name out of the bucket and that name is Nicholas Lee Nicholas Lee sounds like a new name to me is that him? is this guy?

he's coming all the way around. Look at this. Yeah. Yeah, one more time for Nicholas Lee, everybody. Oh, shit. Can I just mention right now before we start? I am nervous as fuck right now. All right. Thanks. on, do it, man.

Go. All right. Thanks. Thanks, NergNoc. Appreciate that. It really is cool. All right, let's see. What can I talk about?

Fuck. Oh, God, I'm going to bomb so bad. Fuck. At least I got a laugh. At least I'm happy. All right, let's see. What can we talk about for the next minute or 30 seconds I have left Let's just go into my, let's go into this new year Let's see, for this new year I came into very single and all that

I'm very depressed about that, that sucks for myself At least I get to laugh a little bit Let's see, let's see, what else, God, I am so fucking nervous I'm sorry guys, I apologize. I'm bobbing so bad. Oh, God. Sorry, guys. Oh, shit. This is on YouTube, right?

Yeah, this is it. Wow, that was a minute. Nicholas Lee. Oh, dude. Wow, that was a minute. Nicholas Lee. Oh, dude. I feel like the band's playing Nirvana because they knew you were going to want to kill yourself

after tonight's set. Yeah, pretty much on this one. Jesus, that's as bad as it gets, dude. That was a fucking DMV minute. You might turn it around in the discussion portion, but in the bathing suit segment, I don't think you're going to do very well. There wasn't one joke in that at all, right?

No, not at all. It's just a breakdown. I'm going to ask you a very serious question though. You did write your name down and you did put it in the bucket. Can I ask you for real why did you do that? Because I used to do stand-up for a little bit. I took a year off.

Well, you took a minute off tonight Oh Yeah, nope Any comeback I have is not going to be good enough at all You're damn right it's not We just heard what you're capable of comedically I know for a fact I mean, first of all, you almost have too much confidence

So I don't know if I'd put So you did it for a while and it was good and you weren't this nervous. Yeah, I wasn't nervous at all. And then you quit for a little bit. And now, why so nervous now? Just because you two guys are here. Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding? Did you hear all the feedback we've been giving these guys? First of all, there's way too many twins in the world. Agreed. They suck. Listen, but I mean, hopefully, I'm sad that you feel that scared of us because, I mean. It's not a scared thing. It's just more of like, oh shit, I have to perform in front of Doug Benson, one of my idols.

Well, clearly you didn't have to perform. I mean, you could have just done what you did. You could just leave your name out of the bucket and just enjoy the show. Maybe pretend to put your name in the bucket so you can watch it for free. It's only a bummer because there are other people out here

who put their name in the bucket and they really wanted to come up and then you put that out. That's the only reason I say it's a bummer because those people are sitting there going, man, I wish it would have come and I wrote all this stuff and I prepared it. How long did you do stand-up comedy for? Before I took my year break. It was a light year break. Oh, stop. Before you

took your year break. I think you should start calling it a sabbatical. I did it for about two years. About two years. Where was this at? A bunch of open mics around the valley. A bunch of open mics around the valley. So how of open mics around the valley. So how often would you go up? There were seven dudes named mics that he told one-liners to

and called them open mics. I feel like he did comedy in the sewers with his friends, Leonardo, Donatello. Somebody really should put on an open-minded mic. Forget it. They do. It's called the comedy alt scene, Doug. Oh.

I ouch. So, Nicholas Lee, that was one of the worst things ever. Yeah. How old are you? You're like a grown man, too. I'm actually 24. I'll be 25 next week. Oh, shit.

You went from panic attack to leaning on that mic stand like you were born on it. Oh, yeah. I don't know what else to do. I'm just very nervous. Wait, but when you were up there and you were like, what am I going to talk about? You didn't want to revert back to your old act? I honestly kind of forgot the majority of it because I was married and all that, and I just forgot. My brain just forgot.

What happened with your wedding? Your wife see you perform? Oh, to be honest with you, I've been married three times, actually. You've been married three times and you're 24? Yes, sir. Talk about that. That's fucking hilarious. I suck at everything.

How the fuck is that possible? Who are you, Ross Geller? I'm just dumb and retarded. What? I'm just dumb and retarded, that's why. You're what? I'm dumb and retarded. Well, I don't know.

Wait a second. Who could be both of those? Let's not insult the retarded. Well, I don't know. You're the worst. Who could be both of those? Let's not insult the retarded. Come on. Nicholas, you're horrible. We're getting you out of here. There he goes. Nicholas Lee.

Nicholas the horrible. All right. What's my James Vita update over there? Where's James Vita? Where's James Vita? We have an update, James? Oh. Should we go to this bucket one more time? Let's go to the bucket one more time!

Here we go. Your final comedian of the night goes by the name of Stuart Watson. What is up? What the fuck is up, everybody? How is it going, everybody? So where's my sneaker heads? How many sneaker heads we got in the house?

Oh, man. I've been a sneaker head my whole life. I mean, ever since I was like a baby, I've loved sneakers. My first words were poo-poo shoo-shoo. Now, let me tell you about my favorite sneaker... That doesn't deserve that much laugh. Stop. Now, let me tell you about my favorite sneakers. They're the Jordan 11 Concords.

And fun fact about the Jordan 11 Concords is Tinker Hatfield designed them to be both a basketball shoe and a dress shoe. And so whenever I do finally get a pair, I can actually respond to my relatives' wedding invitations.

Now I actually found a pair about a month ago for the first time that was actually in my size on a Facebook classifieds, but they were $200. And I didn't have $200 at the time. No, I... Don't you fucking put that roar on.

I really want to hear the end of this. So, I didn't have $200 at the time to spend on a pair of shoes, but I got that sneaker fever. Okay, roar it now. Roar it. Roar it. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. He looks so defeated.

He looks like the last guy for a second. Who do you think you are, Peter Farrelly on the Gold Globes? Here he goes. He's finishing. Let him finish. Finish. Don't play him off. Okay, so I had the sneaker fever,

but I didn't have $200. So I drove to the mall and found these Jordan 1 Lowe's on the clearance rack for $59 and then got a $150 speeding ticket on the way home. All you had to do was that part just there and the fucking original setup.

You have like 40 extra seconds of stuff there. I didn't account for the laughs whenever I was doing the economy. Roaring applause. You're never in a hurry when you're on your way to your job at a Scandinavian library gas station. His t-shirt says Horde Tour.

His hair says Lilith Fair. It is incredible. You look like you love 311 and weigh 311. Stop it. That shirt is to tie dye for. By the way, your set

should be tighter than your braids. Admiral? Admiral? Listen, you guys. Be nice to him. He's got PTSD for being attacked by moth in the knee. Moth.

Aw. Admiral Nerdknock. He looks like he knows a lot about stocks, and he was also at Woodstock. Well, you can't... That's what I was going to say. On my planet, that was hilarious. You do have this amazing look about you.

You remind me of when I moved out here 13 or 14 years ago. There was only a few of them, but there was these weird weed lawyers that there were. You remind me of all those old California weed lawyers. You're wearing a crystal around. It's like you've got a hemp briefcase. Call 1-800-WEED-LAW. Guys, give it up for Willie Smelson. Oh.

Hey, thank you for not saying Post Malone. No, no. That would be a word play. I would call you Pre Malone. So, what's your story, Stuart? You ever didn't stand up before? I did it for about six months back in 2015,

and then kind of got distracted. Yeah, you don't look like the kind of guy that gets distracted at all. Did you say distracted or extracted from the comedy scene? Distracted. Did you wash some colors in the wrong temperature? When you say you got distracted from stand-up, what do you mean? How'd you get distracted? What happened to you?

How big is the bong? How big is the bong you write with? I actually don't smoke. What? Oh, one of those. Very curious. Why would you dress that way? You get drug tested at Wendy's?

I just like to get arrested for no reason. Why do you dress like that? I'm going to let this question stand all the way. Go ahead. That was my favorite shirt. It's your favorite shirt? Yeah. What about the pigtails?

Oh, it's just for functionality at a job I used to have. What type of job did you used to have? Did you work at a prison kitchen? What the fuck? Were you at a pigtail pulling farm? What's the job that you used to have? I worked in the freezer at a Walmart distribution center. There you go.

Okay. On every break, I would pull my mask up and it would tangle up my hair. So I had to braid it. How long has it been since you worked there? Walmart? Yep. Five months. Was it one here in Los Angeles?

No, no. Oklahoma and Arkansas. Is that where you live? Tulsa, Oklahoma. You still live there. What are you doing in LA? Just visiting. How long where you live? Tulsa, Oklahoma, yeah. You still live there. What are you doing in LA? Just visiting. How long have you been here? I've been here since Friday and I'll be here till Friday. Yes. Friday to Friday. A little trip. Yeah. This was one of the stops

on your trip, huh? Yeah. One of my bucket lists. I love that. So you do stand-up in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I haven't done it in a while. But that's where you did it, in Tulsa. I did a little bit whenever I lived in Arkansas, too. Tulsa's got a good comedy festival there. It's a good scene.

Blue Whale Comedy Festival. Very good festival. That's where I saw you for the first time. I've been watching your show since then, 2016. Fuck yes, dude. Fuck yeah. You're exactly what all my fans look like. I'm kidding.

Hey, Tony, maybe he'll let you sign his boobs. Hey, I like that. Oh, I didn't think I was that big. Aw, Stuart, jeez. It's okay, man. Somehow that was sadder than Nicholas Lee's set, what you just did up here. Yeah, come on, man. You got to laugh it up.

Stuart, what else do you have planned for your trip here in L.A.? Are you going to go do anything fun? Are you going to go to Universal City and look for the mysterious black man at the Harry Potter exhibit? Maybe. I got a showcase at the Ha Ha Club on Thursday. We'll bring the same heat you brought here tonight.

Don't be discouraged if the audience doesn't say Ha Ha. Sometimes people laugh differently. Tony, I saw this guy's one hour special was called I'm discouraged if the audience doesn't say ha-ha. Sometimes people laugh differently. Tony, I saw this guy's one-hour special was called, I'm tie-dyeing up here. That was good.

I liked it. I liked it. Stuart, you're from Arkansas. What's your least favorite race? I'd like to give a shout-out. The Apollo 13 is here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. There they are. Live in the flesh. It's any of them that involve running.

White people. White people. Yeah, why is that? Why is white people your least favorite race? Your parents, you look like the kind of guy that would have smart parents. Is that true? Your dad a professor of some kind or something like that? He was a baker.

He was a baker. He was a baker Does he allow gay people to order cakes at his bakery? Yes, okay Just checking wasn't cool gay people when I was a teenager, but he came around he came around You how to make candles How about your mom? What's your mom do? She owns an upholstery shop. Hell yeah. Well, with a son that dresses like that.

That's why I learned it so. What about your uncle? Stuart, any other fun facts about you? Anything interesting we'd be surprised to know? You ever set any records, you think, or anything like that? Any interesting fun facts about you? You have any special

skills or talents? I'm a photographer also. I can sew. How many? I can sew is funny. Oh, if you can sew, you should work on the knee area on both of your pant legs because they're really

moths. Your set was pretty so-so tonight. Hey-o! Mling, mling, mling, mling, mling. Honest question. Could I get a... Did you do the braids yourself or did you hire someone

to do the braids for you? I actually did these myself without all my proper equipment. I'm surprised that's the look that you went for. You seem like the kind of guy that would have creamed cornrows. Hashtag pre-Moulin. Candy cornrows? Do you know how to braid your hair and any other designs?

No, just this one. All right. I will teach you. Wait, this guy has the power to make all of us more boring. What the fuck is happening right now? We're in a fucking tractor beam right now and all of us are giving a TED talk that no one

wants to hear. Stop making us boring. Stop it. Stop it. I hate being boring. I hate it. I hate being boring. Quit it. He's amazing. I don't think he's boring at all. I think he's amazing. He's a fascinating dude. What was your question?

What? What was the question? It went from braids to AIDS in here very quickly. Yes, it did. It did real quick. Alright, Stuart. I want you to go have fun.

Go have fun. There's an entire game of Fortnite going on without you right now. So we've got to keep it going. There he goes, Stuart Watson, everyone. Come on. Yes. Yes. Nothing?

James Bita. Maybe next week, huh? Randy has to go. How many of you are going to come back next week to see James Bita call the guitarist and tell him he's been sleeping with his girlfriend Look at that drawing from Ryan J. Ebel We're all in outer space with the aliens Doug Benson, Randy Sklar

Anything you guys want to plug? Randy's got to run out of here We're going to be at the San Francisco Sketch Comedy Fest this weekend And we're doing our podcast Live on Friday night 10.30, Cobbs Comedy Club Come on out if you're in San Francisco Sketch Comedy Fest this weekend and we're doing our podcast live on Friday night 1030 Cobbs Comedy Club. Come on out

if you're in San Francisco. We'd love to see you. Paul Scheer is our guest and maybe a special surprise guest as well. Make sure you check out everything Sklar Brothers. SklarBrothers.com

Yeah, it's Supersklar.com You can see all of our dates and all that stuff. Skarl Bothers. Skarl Bothers. Anything supersklar.com. You can see all of our dates and all that stuff. Skarl Bothers. Skarl Bothers. Anything close to that. Doug Benson has a bunch of podcasts.

And douglosmovies.com is where all my stuff is at. Thank you, guys. Thank you, all the comics. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys, every week. How about one more time for Randy Sklar and Doug Benson, everyone? Thank you. How about one more time for the great and powerful Jeremiah Watkins, huh?

Wow. Jeremiah, anything you want to plug? Listen to the new episode of Jeremiah Wonders with Jake Weissman out right now. And also I will be headlining in Kansas City at the Kansas City Comedy Club in March 14th through 16th. And I will be bringing my boy Patty Reagan to feature for me. Shout out to the people that think they're so important they have to beat traffic on the way out of here.

You have no lives at all. You just spent three hours laughing with us on a Monday night. So how about one more time for Chroma Chris, everyone. Chroma, what do you think about tonight's episode? Out of this world, Tony. Follow him,

Chroma Chris. Joel Bird, Joel Jimenez was here. I love you guys. Happy New Year. Hell yeah. Follow him at MostlySorry on social media. Remember, Kill Tony is on the road. Raleigh, North Carolina, Phoenix, Arizona, Dublin, Ireland, Manchester, England, London, England, and Philly.

You got it. You all have Kill Tony's coming to you in the next few months. Raleigh, North Carolina this week, so why not plan a trip? Come see us Thursday night. Tony. Yes. I wanted to thank Menchie Music in Pennsylvania. Wow, yeah, that's nice.

That's awesome, Jeremiah. It is incredible. David Knowles and Seth Miller from the bottom of my heart, thank you very much for sending me this. This is the nicest. Apparently, Joel needs some new drums. Menchie Music. Yes.

Thank you so much to those guys for Jeremiah's new saxophone sponsorship and I think that's pretty much it. Stuart Watson is Dr. T. Watson on Twitter and hey, check out, make sure you subscribe, rate and review Kill Tony. For those of you that have been listening forever, maybe you haven't

done it because we have a lot more listeners than we have reviews, so somebody fucked up along the line somewhere. Get back up there so that we can fucking look like we're doing as good as we're actually doing. Thanks, guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you, live audience.

We'll see you soon. Good night. I am in prisonby H.