KILL TONY - KILL TONY #321 (PHOENIX)

Episode Date: January 31, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 01/26/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every single episode available to download and you also have video portions to this show. Click on tour dates to come see us live. Not only we do a comedy store every Monday at 8 o'clock, but we are on the road. February 14th will be in Ireland. February 15th will be in Manchester.

February 16th will be in London. And March 21st will be in Philadelphia. Now check all these different venues because we also are doing a lot of comedy shows here too. So your mileage may vary. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com.

Check out everything Golden Pony. Ryan J. Ebelt has his own website, RyanJEbelt.com. He draws every episode. He also drew the Kill Tony book, posters, and everything. And that's RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, squad.tv the official merchandise of the death squad universe we have some kill tony shirts left but they're going fast and we got some death squad shirts mugs and hats go to shop squad.tv all right here's a brand new episode Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hatchclay. Phoenix, Arizona, make some fucking noise. Hell yeah. Wow. Look at us. Brian Redband's here, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness.

Am I excited about this? Our return to stand-up live in Phoenix, Arizona. This fucking place is one of the biggest comedy clubs in the country, and it's packed here today for a 3 p.m. show. People still staggering in as we speak, signing up as they come in. If anybody hasn't had the chance to sign up yet, your last chance, it's right over there. That bucket's going to be coming up to me via KC over there any second. And here we are.

Destiny will prevail here tonight, Brian. And I'm excited. We're all in town because every year me and a huge group of friends go to the Royal Rumble for WWE, wherever that will be. How many of you are going to the Royal Rumble tomorrow, huh? Well, one of the fun things that I did, actually, is I went over to our friends over at BetDSI, and I actually placed a bet on who I think is going to win tomorrow. I went all in on The Rock.

I think The Rock is going to make a return. And you can bet on anything at BetDSI.com. They have over 20 years in the business. You could bet on sports, reality TV. Yeah, you could even bet on MasterChef Junior, which is about to start. If you want to get into some kid gambling, which that's what I like to do. But, no, you could even bet on Master Chef Junior, which is about to start. If you want to get into some kid gambling, which that's what I like to do. But no, you could do a TV series. You could do

Game of Thrones. You know, you're walking dead. Who dies next? Like a bunch of stuff. You could bet on anything. You're undefeated. I don't know if anybody even noticed. Brian went undefeated on NFL playoff picks this year. Four. All four. And who do you think is going to win the Super Bowl?

Well, I think the Patriots are going. Oh, fucking dynasty. I'm even from L.A. I just, you know, I think. But you do dress like Bill Belichick, so that's the coach for the Patriots. The football, the sports, the baseball team. Go to BetDSsi.com. Use the promo code KILL120

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That gets delivered anywhere, so do that. InfiniteCBD.com. All right. All the hard work is done, everybody. It's playtime now, huh? That's it. That's for the podcast listeners, but now it's time to have some

fucking dirty Phoenix fun. KC, can you bring that bucket up here? Where's KC at? Oh, make some noise for KC, everybody. Fun fact about KC, can you bring that bucket up here? Where's KC at? Oh, make some noise for KC, everybody. Fun fact about KC, he's been managing clubs in Phoenix,

all the clubs that you've ever fucking been to. This guy runs the whole thing, and he just got copies 00 out of 025 of very special, you're going to see them on your way out. There's only 25 prints available. But Ryan J. Ebel drew up something really amazing,

specifically for this show at this venue that we're at, this fucking 3 p.m. Kill Tony. So amazing pieces of art happening. Oh, and also for you podcast listeners, I'm doing stand-up in Calgary, February 7th and 9th with Jeremiah Watkins featuring. Of course, we're going to Dublin, Manchester, and also for you podcast listeners, I'm doing stand-up in Calgary, February 7th and 9th with Jeremiah Watkins featuring. Of course, we're going to Dublin, Manchester, and London for our episodes of Kill Tony, which have already, I believe, sold out completely. And then I do six nights of stand-up in London continuously after that,

night after night, all at the Soho Theater. And then we're bringing Kill Tony to Philly March 21st, and then a weekend of stand-up March 22nd, 23rd in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. And we've got Dom Irera next week, for those of you listening to the podcast, so your next episode's Dom Irera. The legend. I mean, truly nobody better at being a guest on this show than Dom. And by the way, I got asked this

question last night during my stand-up show. They asked, oh, who's your guest gonna be tomorrow? Who's your guest? And I just wanna say it so that I don't have to say it again on this show. In L.A., when we're doing the shows at the Comedy Store, it's fun to have a guest. They add something. It makes it a little bit more refillable.

But on these road shows, I don't know if you guys know this, but we have a band on this show. And when we're lucky enough to have the actual band in their physical presence, we find no real need to try to book a guest. To be honest with you, I did try, sort of tried, to get Stone Cold Steve Austin to be the guest here tonight, but it ended up not working out.

I couldn't do it. I did try for a second. It was going to be fucking crazy. But, I mean, it's simply not going to happen. Just a little inside scoop. I fucking tried. But that was the only one I tried for. Because when the band is here, there's just nothing better. We want the the machine to fucking run and we want to give you an authentic kill tony

experience and make sure that we all have a chance to get out whatever the fuck we want to get out so let's bring out the band shall we it's only one band member right yeah we weren't we were you know we weren't able to bring the entire band with us obviously obviously. But I'm pretty sure that you know who is going to be here. No, I'm kidding. It's the entire goddamn Kill Tony band. Every single week, every single episode, they commit to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be,

and they stay in character throughout the entire show. Maybe they're going to be nerds. Maybe they're construction workers. We saw the Return of the Cat Burglar the other day. You never know what they're going to be nerds. Maybe they're construction workers. You know, we saw the return of the cat burglar the other day. You never know what it's going to be. Sometimes it's a brand new character that we've never seen before, and we're all about to find out right now at the same time what they are tonight. Make some noise for the best damn band in the land.

It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. What? Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, no. Wow. It appears as though they are break dancers for the first time ever.

I cannot believe what I'm seeing. This is obviously their first time on this show. So it is new characters tonight. Am I correct? Are you a break dancer? Yes, we came all the way from Russia to be here. Whoa! Russian break dancers.

Oh, my God. This is incredible. They are in full track suits. Man, you guys have a sponsorship? Is that what that is? Is that a jumpsuit sponsorship? Yes, nesting jumpsuits. Get them in Russia.

Wow. Also, your president, Donald Trump. Hey. Chroma Chris is one for one. And then back here, it appears as though we have some form of, I don't know, Mexican Howard Stern or something. I don't know what exactly this is. Well, my fashion inspiration is Darlene from Roseanne. I am Petrushka.

Wow. Top number one female breakdancer in all of Russia. My goodness. I am excited about this. This is clearly the first time we've ever had Russian breakdancers on the show. Russian breakdancers, have you ever listened to the show before? Do you know what you're in for? Yes. Gorshkov is big fan.

All right, well, we have Red Band, we have Russian break dancers, and I have, thanks to our friend Casey and all of you, wow, this is a filled-ass bucket. Oh, that's huge. Filled to the brim. This is our bucket of Phoenix destiny here tonight. This is fucking exciting. So shall we?

Shall we get it started? Our second ever episode in Phoenix, Arizona. Everybody is here. I am so fucking pumped about this. So let's just jump right into it. Yeah, you guys know how it works. You get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stage time and then we talk to you afterwards. We find out more about you. Maybe we find out, you know, what sets you apart from the pack, other things you could talk about, about your life. You know your 60 seconds is up

when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry phoenix bear. Oh, so much louder than the cat. It's almost amazing. Okay, here we go. Your first comedian.

Anything can happen. Could be this guy's first time ever. He could be the king of the Phoenix open mic scene. Who knows? Make some noise for Colin G. Here we go. Oh, he's playing music. By the way, the stairs is over here. Oh, yeah, stairs is over here.

Colin G., where the fuck are you? Here he comes. No, don't point that way, sir. Right here. That way. No, no, no, no, no. Hey, dude. Stop, stop, stop.

Oh, that's him. Oh, okay. Are you Colin? Where the fuck is Colin at? You got this asshole pointing. He's gone. Okay. Okay.

You guys are going to play people up, right? Because we have the full band, right? Russian guy, you seem a little shy. Yes. Okay. Okay. They're going to play people up. All right. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight guy? You seem a little shy. Yes. Okay, okay. They're going to play people off. Yes. Alright.

Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Michael Sansino. Here we go. Michael Sansino. Hey! Holy shit. Alright. Holy shit. Supply. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Holy shit. Supply.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. This is why I play music. Russian break dancers, hold on a second. We played Take On Me perfectly and nobody called. All right. Did anybody vet these people when they signed up for the show? Did we let some fucking internet troll? Hey, there is the man right there.

Hey, Michael Sansino. the show did we let some fucking internet troll hey michael sancino holy shit all right so i do apartment maintenance right guys uh where i worked a bunch of old seniors these guys are like drugged out they're fucking insane right i get a work order you go in somebody's apartment i go in i do it I fucking leave. Later on that week, my supervisor comes up to me and tells me that that guy's accusing me of stealing a jar of his brother's ashes. What kind of fucking person do you gotta be to do that shit, man?

So later that day, I'm just walking around, same dude comes up to me, asks if he could buy some weed off me. And I don't hold any grudges, so like fuck it, you know? But he has arthritis, so he asked me if I could wrap the blunt for him. I'm like, yeah, sure. So I go home, and I start wrapping the blunt, right?

And it's fucking getting to me. I'm a little pissed off. I'm like, fuck it, man. So I grab a little bit of his brother's ashes and bring them inside of the blunt. Because fuck that guy. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Michael Sansino.

Cansino. Cansino. Cansino. Okay. Michael Cansino. Cansino. Okay. Michael Cansino. There you go. There's a minute right there. You got a little excited. You thought that the laugh on the ashes part was going to last 17 seconds longer than it did.

I timed it. I recorded myself this week, and it lasted like a minute, 10 seconds. But fuck, man. I'm shaking. Hell, yeah. Shaking and baking. You must have forgotten a part. Maybe it was one of the punchlines.

Probably, dude. So, Michael, this is one of your first times doing stand-up comedy, correct? Very first time? Yeah, very first time. Very first time, everybody. Come on. Heck, yeah. How old are you, Michael?

I just turned 22. 22 years old. Wow, you look a little bit older than that. Did people tell you that? Yeah, man. You lived a full life, huh? We met last year, and you said, yeah, me and my older brother, like, he's my older brother, but I look like fucking 10 years older than him, so.

I met you last year? Yeah, last year you guys came here. You guys came with, fuck, what was the old guy? Not you. Doug Benson? No last year you guys came here. You guys came with, fuck, what was the old guy? Not you. Doug Benson? No, no, no. Doug Benson was here, right? Yeah.

My boy, Patty Reagan. Patty Reagan. The old guy. The old guy, Patty Reagan. He's not that old. Wow. So, Michael, you're 22 years old. You live here in Phoenix?

Yeah. What do you do for work? Apartment maintenance. Apartment maintenance. Wow. Fuck, Michael, you're 22 years old. You live here in Phoenix. Yeah. What do you do for work? Apartment maintenance. Apartment maintenance. Wow. Fuck yeah. Are you Latino? Yeah, Mexican. Mexican. Fuck yeah. How big is the apartment building that you do maintenance for?

Sorry? How big is the apartment building that you do maintenance for? It? How big is the apartment building that you do maintenance for? It's pretty big, man. It's like 180 apartments. How many units? Like 180, I think? 180 units. So your whole family lives in.

We used to live there, man, when I was a kid, too. That is what I said. Wow. What's the craziest thing you've ever had happen as an apartment manager? What's the craziest thing you've ever seen like fucking clogging a toilet or anything like that? God damn, dude. Some crazy shit. I always had a toilet topped up to the rim, but no, the other day I go into an apartment to take a piss. Wait.

I go into an apartment to take a piss and it's vacant. I go in there and as I'm walking in, I see someone looking out the fucking window, like looking at me. I was like, what the fuck? Nobody lives there for like a year, man. Oh, my God. Yeah, dude walked out. That's so Mexican of you. Did it look like the Virgin Mary?

I think it was, man. Wow. Michael, you're 22. You live in Phoenix. What does a 22-year-old that lives in Phoenix do for fun? I just hang out with friends. I'm probably going to start doing this more. Are a lot of your friends Mexican too?

Yeah. You guys ever get, like I hear that Phoenix can be pretty tough on illegal immigration and whatnot and well pretty much just being Mexican.

You ever get in trouble with the police? They ever stop you for just being Mexican? They're like, are you apartment managing? Get on the fucking ground. No man, I don't think so.

Drop the wrench. No, never gotten pulled over or anything like that? I've been pulled over, but it was my fault. They let me go, though. Yeah, what did you get pulled over for? How fast? There you go. I was looking at like a 70-something fucking Trans Am right next to me, and I saw a green light, but it was for him to go. I was looking at like a 70-something fucking Trans Am right next to me,

and I saw a green light, but it was for him to go. Did you race him in your migrant caravan? Yeah. There you go. Michael, tell us something else interesting about you that we'd be surprised to know. Something about maybe your family or a hobby that you like to do, anything? I gonna i was gonna say i play guitar but not really what do you mean not really i'm not trying to play against this guy right now why are you laughing was not on the table you've never dealt with the russian band before they don't they don't share

i'm not trying to do with the russian band Russian band no the person I share my saxophone with is my 73 year old wife's lethwana Michael you playing a band no no I just play you just play guitar like acoustic or electric acoustic so you ever get you ever get laid from playing guitar at like a party or something like that definitely not man definitely not have you ever you say definitely not like laid from playing guitar at a party or something like that? Definitely not, man. Definitely not? You say definitely not like you've never gotten laid before.

Are you still a virgin? Nah, man. Nah, man? Don't nah, man me. You can't go from definitely not to nah, man. Have you ever played for a woman, Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton? Pussy gushing for days.

Oh, man. What do you know how to play? Is there a go-to that you have? No, I just like fucking around on it. Mariachi music. Mariachi music, yeah, bro. Socorros, all that stuff, you know? Do you know any P.O.D?

Pussy gushing for days Alright, well Michael You got the party started here tonight You went up first for your very first time Ever on stage Way to get it going Good luck, there he goes, Michael Cancino everybody Alright, there you go So way to get it going. Good luck. There he goes. Michael Cancino, everybody. All right.

There you go. Sure. Go ahead. There he goes. Get out of here. The fuck out of here. They're fist bumps and shit. This guy thinks we're already all best friends.

This guy ruined the drumming because he asked for fist bump. Never again. Oh, wow. This is actually really cool. We know this young lady from Los Angeles California she sometimes helps us out on the show she's famously been on the show we've talked about her controversially racist

parents and she's different than everybody else make some noise for Alice Hamilton everybody she's here Alice Hamilton, everybody. She's here. Alice Hamilton. Hey! Come on, make some fucking noise, Phoenix! Not all babies are cute. My mom opened a daycare center in my house when I was seven years old. I've nannied and babysat for over 40 families, and I ran my own daycare center for three

years. So if I tell you that your baby is ugly, that is my professional opinion. I don't like nannying for white kids, because when they cry in public, it looks like I'm kidnapping them. I have a car seat in my car because I'm a nanny, and when you have a car seat in your car, your friends don't assume it's because you're a nanny. They assume that you've had a baby this entire time that you just never told them about. Your new boyfriend will also think that,

and there will be a lot of fear in his eyes when he looks over at you and goes, oh, you have a kid? And I was like, no. I am just planning for our future. There you go. Alice Hamilton, everybody. Good set.

The man in the box Alice Hamilton That's fun You're here You made it all the way to fucking Phoenix, Arizona This is so cool I love it when LA people are on the road shows It's so cool

Yeah, made the trip Brought the drums in my trunk Hey, team player Fuck yeah Well, that was a fun set. So how long have you been nannying for? Since I was like 12. Yeah.

Pretty much the only thing I ever did except for two years at Walmart, which was awful. Russian breakdancer? Yes, she is dressed like widowed Lisa Turtle from Saved by Bell. I've only seen one episode of that show and I saw it today. It's alright, you're Saved by the Bell. That's a sexy outfit. I like the socks.

Thank you, Red Band. Wow, nothing better than knowing that you have a Red Band have a full erection right now. She is recent widow. Red band is creepy mortician. Yeah. I like your socks.

Can I sniff them? Ew. Anyway, Alice, Alice, Alice. So you are an African-American woman. Certainly. And we have talked about before how you have racist parents. Yeah, very much so. You have a black dad, right?

Yes, black dad, white mom. And your black dad is racist against, here's the twist, black people. Not a huge fan, yeah. Which perhaps makes your dad a white man by the way i don't know if you know this but that makes him white is that the rules that's uh the only requirement the professional brian red band over here he he drops the mic before he does a joke uh is he uh light skin black no no no they don't make people blacker than my dad. That's as black as it gets.

He's not Anthony Anderson black. You have not been to Russia. Have your parents found out... The coal mines have swallowed up people for centuries. Have your parents found out that you've talked about them on the show at all? Did they know anything about it? They have not. found out that you've talked about them on the show at all?

Did they know anything about it? They have not. I showed this, I showed my like, sets on the show to just two of my four siblings because the other two would tell my parents. Right. But no, my parents, apparently they know that I've been on a podcast but they don't know what podcasts are, so still in the clear. What do your parents like to

do for fun? Listen to Christian talk radio, pray that the gay people that they know will turn straight. Wow. Yeah. My goodness. I think they would love this show.

Can I just say I loved your work as the black witch in the movie The Craft. Wow. That's a deep reference. Talk about black magic. So Alice, tell us something about you that we would be surprised to know. We've had a few conversations. You've been on the show three, four, five times before.

I think this is four. Four. So tell us something that we don't know about you, something that makes you different that we might be surprised to know about you. Do you have anything else, Any special hobbies or anything? That's the one question I have no answer for. I literally just nanny and do comedy. Just nanny and do comedy?

You ever have to bring your baby to a gig with you? No, I've never had to bring a baby to the gig. No, thank fuck. They don't let babies into bars and shit. I feel like I wouldn't get away with it. You need to come to Russia. A baby bartends at my favorite spot downtown.

There's three kids that I used to watch at my daycare that I have Google alerts for their names because I'm pretty sure when they grow up they're going to kill people. So I set up. Yeah. They were doing some terrible shit. Is there ever a time where you thought

a kid might die while you were taking care of them? That's what I would be afraid of. Like, you ever have a kid that you were watching, like, fall into a pool and you're like, oh, shit, I can't swim. What am I gonna do? Okay. Eight years of swimming lessons. I would

save that baby. Wow, that's how many years it takes for a black person to learn how to swim. That's incredible. Eight years. You could have gotten a master's degree in that baby. Wow, that's how many years it takes for a black person to learn how to swim. That's incredible. Eight years. You could have gotten a master's degree in that time. Instead, you learned how to doggy paddle. Tony, do not say master's in front of her.

Alright, alright. Alice, so much fucking fun. I'm so glad. Oh, shit. The chants have begun. Oh, holy shit. I'm so glad. Oh, shit. The chants have begun. Oh, holy shit. Alice, so much fun. It's always fun to have you on the show. Thank you so much.

We'll see you soon. Let's keep it moving along. Alice Hamilton. She's on Twitter at Alice R. Hamilton. All one word. Yeah, and the fun train is moving along. You guys are Russian as fuck. I've never seen a Russian guy with such long hair than you, Joel. I am a woman.

Oh, okay. And my name is Patryushka. In Russia, our men also look like women. Okay, well, this is interesting. For those of you paying attention to the show, even though I've pulled four names out of the bucket, only three people have come on stage. The first one was Michael Cancino,

and I just pulled another name out, and I believe that these two may be related. Make some noise for Ruben Cancino, everybody. This is incredible. Ruben Cancino, get your fucking ass up here. You are next. My guess is they're probably brothers. Probably one thinks they can outdo the other one. Here he comes, Ruben Cancino, everybody.

Hey. Hey, what's up, guys? So I had no idea that the PlayStation camera had a mic that worked 24-7 when you're playing online. I tend to just, in the middle of a maybe online game, just drop my remote and pull my phone down and start watching porn. And, yeah, so when I come,

I kind of make weird-ass noises, so... I don't know how many people heard me just fucking... So, yeah, that sucked. Did not expect to get called up here, so... That's all I got, guys. All right, that's all he's got. Ruben Canzino. This is incredible.

Am I right in guessing that you are the brother of Michael Cancino? Yeah. My goodness. Did he pussy out or what happened? No, no. He was up. Oh, okay. He was up earlier.

It was Michael. I thought he was the first guy. Sorry. No. Yeah. So, Ruben, there you go. You did about as good as your brother did. You guys can argue on the way home about who had the better,

the one laugh that you guys both got. Combined, I mean, you guys maybe should do some Sklar Brothers stuff and double up on your punchlines and on everything, really. So Ruben, really, you just talked about the PS4 controller having a microphone and that you jerk off and you make a weird noise. How far away are you from this PS4 controller when you're making that noise? And how deep up your ass is the controller exactly to where you think people can pick up on it?

I don't like butt stuff. Sure, Ruben. Sure you don't. Yeah. Right. You like it in your call of duty. We know. Yeah. So how do you know you don't like butt stuff? Tell us about what happened. Jesus.

I had an ex-girlfriend that snuck a finger in and didn't like it. When you say snuck a finger in, I mean, what do you mean by sneak? Like, can you describe a little bit better? For how long? A fortnight? He's hitting you with the video game jokes, bro. You gave him fodder with that PS4.

You woke him up. They have video games in Russia. We build video games. When you say sneak it in, what do you mean? You having sex? You making out? What's going on? She was giving me a blowjob.

She's giving you a blowjob. Is it a standing blowjob or are you laying down? I was laying on my back. Laying on your back, right? So you sort of, are your knees bent or your legs are flat? They're spread open up a little bit. Is she a Mexican girl? White girl.

White girl. Okay, I'm surprised little bit. Is she a Mexican girl? White girl. White girl. Okay, I'm surprised because I thought maybe she was Mexican because they like to take the underground tunnels too, you know what I mean? The old fucking flat. If she was Mexican, would you build a wall around your asshole? Yes. And would you make her pay for it? Yeah.

Do you ever have sex with a family member and you're like, let's play Super Smash Brothers? Oh my God. Hell yeah. So she tried to get into your fucking tunnel and you're like, that government's shut down right now. She got in there and yeah. How deep?

And he was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Jeremiah Watkins. That's what I'm talking about. How deep in do you think she made it? Brian always asks in a great way. He goes, how many knuckles? This is a red band question, right? It's kind of like a dipstick, like the oil, you know.

How many levels deep she make it? I believe it was her index finger, so I think she almost made it to the second knuckle. But you came before she could get there, right? No. What exactly did you say when she snuck the finger up there? Did you start to speak Mexican or something like that? Ay, ay, ay. Did you start to speak Mexican or something like that?

She's like, call me El Chapo because I am escaping in your tunnel. What did you say to let her know? Did you jump or anything like that? I jumped, yeah. He said, game over. Wow. Man. Well, that's exciting She never tried it again It was just a one time thing

Yeah no Have you ever tried it with a girl Do you like anal with a girl Yeah have you ever I think what Brian's asking is Have you ever put anything in a girl's butt Yeah but Yeah but

I want to say about six months ago It was the last time I ever did that And never do it again You don't like it I did. I want to say about six months ago was the last time I ever did that and never do it again. You don't like it? I did, but I pulled shit out once. Oh. Wow. Yikes.

And to that I say... Yikes. I don't see the problem. Grow up. Yeah. People shit. What the fuck? She let you do that?

You're going to complain? Shit, dick. Get the fuck out of here. Did you make her suck it off? Okay, Red Band. All right. That's where it's just gross. That's what you do.

That's where it's just gross. Red Band. Oh, my God. Man, that's exciting. So what else, Ruben? What do you do for work? I'm a maintenance supervisor. Maintenance supervisor.

Whoa. Are you your brother's boss? No, he works for a different company. Oh, wait. So you guys work two different levels of maintenance. Wait. Same? Yep. If they are maintenance supervisors, they probably are plumbers at times. We have the real life Mario Brothers

on stage. Hey, I like that. You're right. Heck yeah. Okay, how long have you been doing that for? Seven years. Seven fucking years. How old are you? I'm 26. I'll be 27 in March. Wow. That's incredible. Craziest

thing you've ever seen in your days of maintenance. You remember anything wild? Oh, yeah. I once had a... I know you once plunged a girl's ass with your dick yeah I have put it in her PS4 I once got

he's like can we go back to Xbox 360 please I know a girl once stuck her finger in your gay station alright I don't know gay station come on video game butt jokes, people. Craziest thing you've ever seen is a maintenance supervisor.

The supervisor of all of the maintenance. This didn't happen when I was a supervisor, but I was almost, well, they tried luring me in. Dang it. I don't want to use the wrong term, but a tranny. Oh. Oh, good luck. You did. You use the wrong term, but a tranny. Oh, good luck. You did. You used the wrong term. I don't want to, but here it is.

I don't want to use the wrong term. The dirty whore with the dick tucked between the legs. The man woman. Yeah. It. Hey, not my words. His. I don't know if this is wrong term,

but beast from whence you came, I don't... Sorry, I'm nervous. The Nintendo Switch genders. Hey! Wow. Wow. Wow. Still sticking it on video games with this guy. I love it.

How did a transgender person try to lure you in? It's kind of a long story, but I try to cut it short. Did it feel like seven inches, eight inches? Okay. Okay. She heard me online gaming and she liked that I come weird. She heard me online gaming and she liked that I come weird. I've seen some pretty convincing trans women before and this one was hideous. What did she say to you?

So what happened was her apartment was flooding downstairs. Yeah, that sounds like a typical problem that those types of people have. Sounds like a woman to me. So I ran up to her apartment and started knocking, and I can clearly hear somebody was home. I heard music playing, so nobody was answering. I had to run back to the office. Girl, dun-dun-dun-dun. Okay, go on. Grabbed the keys, entered, knocked, yelled out.

Entered and then knocked? No, knocked and then entered, sorry. Robert Mueller over here, Jesus Christ. And as I open the door, I see a mirror, and I just see four legs. You see four legs? What is it, an injured spider? Well, I mean, I guess you'd say it was two people, and they were two dudes out transvestite with spider all along. I don't want to use the wrong term,

but a tranny spider's walking towards me. You see four legs, and then what? And when I open up and yell maintenance, I crack it open, see the mirror, and I just see the legs, and all of a sudden you just hear, oh, hell no, I'm fucking in here. And then I just fucking shut the door. Right.

And I leave. Did Transvestite was having sex with Spider? Go ahead. It was Trans, you know. So I ended up going. That was Carl McChrys. Silent but deadly. All right.

Well, Ruben, I still don't understand. I think you're trying to tell us that a transgender person tried to lure you in by letting their plumbing go haywire while they were fucking. And then you barged in and then knocked. And then they're like, we're fucking. And then you ran away. I don't really see how the transgender person tried to lure you into this whole mix. There must be more to this story.

He fucked a guy in the ass and got shit, or something like that. It's a long story. All right, buddy. Well, this was your first time doing comedy, right? And excitingly enough, also your last time. But I'm glad you did it with us. You and your brother can

talk about this crazy shit and go do maintenance on your sets. There he goes, Ruben Cancino, everybody. Hey! Hey-ya! Hey-ya! Alright, on to the next one we go.

Alright, let's keep this fun train moving along with the comedy stylings of Adam Lundquist, everyone. Adam Lundquist. Rock you like a hurricane. Here he comes.

Rock you like a hurricane. Adam Lundquist, ladies and gentlemen. Woo! How's it going? Oh, I see why most of you are alcoholics. This is nerve-wracking. I think I've been getting bit by dogs too often. I mean, on my way over here, walking through my neighborhood, and a dog came up to me, growling, like, charging at me,

and my first reaction was to just kick it. And, like, it wasn't even big enough to feel okay about kicking. Like, but I didn't realize until it was already over the fence. So, the first time I got hit, bit by a dog though, was by my dad's

barber. I was like seven years old. It wasn't really traumatic because he didn't break the skin, but it was more my dad's barber grabbing him by the throat and throwing him into the shed in 120-degree weather in Arizona. There you go, Adam Lundquist, everybody. All right.

Fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Welcome, Adam. This is your first time doing stand-up? Yeah, first time. Fuck yeah. Very exciting. There's the goat of the first time.

Now, for those of you listening to the podcast, Adam is what we would say appears to be white trash, right? She-metal fabricator? Yeah, somehow you look like both Obi-Wan Kenobi and Chewbacca at the same time. I'm glad you're here for the Royal Rumble since you look like Daniel Bryan with Down Syndrome. Yes, yes, yes. No, this is very exciting to be here in Phoenix and watch you perform your first stand-up set since you are indeed Randy Johnson's watchdog.

So welcome, Adam. First time doing stand-up. You get bit by dogs a lot, dude? I mean, more than the average person. Like once a year? Is that normal? How's this possible? Do you go up to the dogs?

I don't know. I'm nice to dogs. Do you go up to dogs and just be like... No, I'm nice. I'll like face away from them. But there you go. That's what they're doing. They think that you're afraid, and they have a reason to be aggressive towards you.

So I should yell at them? No. Why would you yell at? Why don't you go down the middle and do what every other human being does? What? Hey! No, don't do that.

Let's try it again. Let's keep going until we get this right. So a dog's walking up to you right now. You go ahead. Welcome the dog. I would bite you right now if I was the dog, just to let you know. Let's try it again. Let's take it from the top. Take it from the top. No, don't

kick the dog. Okay, so there's a dog walking up to you. You go ahead. Show us all how you would greet the dog. Don't pay attention to me. Pay attention to this imaginary dog. Here it comes. Well, normally I don't look at it in the eye. Here it comes. It just bit you. It just fucking bit you.

Pay attention. We're going to try it again. Let's take it from the Jeremiah. You have something you want to say? No, it just looked like you get bit maybe because you try to sleep in house. It's Chroma Chris. Chroma fucking Chris. That is Boris for the win.

Okay, Adam, I'm not giving up on this. We're going to fucking try it. Into the microphone. There's an imaginary dog walking up to you. You're walking down a sidewalk. Go ahead. Oh, hey, pretty dog. Bar!

How do I? Okay. Wow. Tony, I have another hypothetical situation I would like to play out. All right, there is pretty girl at bar right over there. How do you approach pretty girl? Oh, hey, pretty girl. Oh.

Adam, let's give it one more try. I believe that you can do this. So there's a dog walking up to you. You're on a sidewalk. Into the microphone and action. Go. Look at the... He just didn't make eye contact.

Pet the dog. Definitely got bit in that scenario, by the way. Anybody who just waves a hand in front of a dog walking by. That was a pet. I was petting. It's just, you know, you're talking for a minute about how you get bit by dogs, but we can't figure out what the fuck you're doing. Like, it's like you're probably the cause of it.

I mean, that's... You're acting like an alien that doesn't know what a dog is, and you're trying to act human. Hi, pretty girl. Yeah. Dog. Dog. It's like that's how blind people react to dogs. Or in the spectrum or something.

Probably. Not diagnosed. You remind me of the... Higher. Are you done? You remind me of the cartoons that were barrels with suspenders. Yeah. Adam, you don't need to acknowledge everything that we say to you.

Moving on. So let's talk about it, Adam. You live here in Phoenix, in the suburbs a little bit? Mesa? About an hour west? No, it took me an hour to get here on the light rail, but normally 20 minutes. It took you an hour to get here on the what? There's like a train that runs through town.

Oh, I don't think that's what you're supposed to call them. It's a light rail. I get it. What do you do for work, Adam? I'd be surprised to find out you're the first non-maintenance worker that's been... Right now I'm a sheet metal fabricator, but I also restore old Porsches. Oh, stay at Home Depot. Wow. Adam, you have

a lot of tattoos. It seems like you have a lot of life experience. You have any... Just tattoos. Is that Cinderella there on your arm? Alice in Wonderland, but goth. Why? Why do you have Alice in Wonderland and goth?

Because I like Alice in Wonderland and I like goth girls. Wow. You hook up with a lot of chicks? No. Last time you had sex with a girl, when was that, if you had to guess? Last night with my fiance. Whoa. Look at that.

Wow. Hell yeah. For your honeymoon, I will give you my 74-year-old wife for one hour. Do with her as you please. She does bite. So last night, you and your fiancé are what? What are you guys doing? Watching Netflix?

Hanging out? What's going on? How does this start? Help us understand what sex with you would possibly be like. She normally reads her Kindle while I watch podcasts on YouTube. And then I'll just light a candle and set the mood right. Scratch her back for a while. Lead into it slowly. Scratch her back for a while. Lead into it slowly. Scratch her back? How itchy is she?

Go ahead. Lead into it slowly. Wait, this is why you get bit by dogs. This is all the same thing. She's reading, I'm watching podcasts, and then I go, hey, pretty girl! How long has your fiance been on two-foot chain leash

in your kitchen? What does your fiance do? She works for a urology doctor. She works for a dick doctor. Wow. I love it. You said the proper word twice and then you're like, nah, fuck this. I'm going to be ignorant about this. Dick doctor. Wow. I love it. You said the proper word twice, and then you're like, no, fuck this. I'm going to be ignorant about this.

Dick doctor. I hope that all dick doctors have that on business card where it says, I am urology. I am a dick doctor. I love it, man. Does she ever do anything special in the bedroom since she's a dick doctor? She says maybe later on in life when it gets boring, but we're going to save that until it's boring. Right.

What do you think she's talking about? What do you think she's saving for you? She's going to finger your dick. I'm pretty sure that's what it is. Probably just butt stuff. Probably just butt stuff. What's the craziest thing sexually you've ever done with a woman? Wildest moment you've ever had.

That's going to make me sound really vanilla. No, go ahead. Wait, you vanilla? Get out of here. Anal once? Yeah. How did it feel when it penetrated you? I really don't. It's like, it's

not worth the pain and smells and after effects. It's just like the other ones, they're for a reason. Last two guys just need to find cleaner women. Yeah. What the fuck? I didn't pull out with poop dick though.

What? It is clean. She has lots of gay friends and she knows how to clean it out beforehand. You just take an arrowhead water bottle and squeeze real hard. They make actual it's a douche bag. You could Arrowhead water bottle and squeeze real hard. No, they make like actual, like it's a douche bag. You could use a water bottle.

Okay, we heard you. We heard you the first time. I love that he's pitching this idea again. You could use Evian. You could use Pellegrino, anything. Yeah. I prefer the 40-ounce. Can of La Croix.

All right. Well, there you go. Keep your ass sparkling like the water. All right, Adam. Well, this was a lot of fun. Nice to meet you, man. Congratulations. There he goes.

Adam Lundquist, everybody. All right. You guys having fun out there? You get the show, right? You understand what the fuck's happening? All right. Let's keep this fun train moving along. Anything can happen.

Who knows who's possibly next? Make some noise for Kyle Whalen, everyone. Kyle Whalen. Hey! Say it ain't so whoa, whoa Your love is

a heartbreaker Hey! Hey! Saw a commercial on TV for Mike's Hard Lemonade. It was on an episode, an old episode of To Catch a Predator, where every pedophile on the show seemed to bring a six-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade to the house to fuck a child. Not the greatest product placement in the world. But when I saw Chris Hansen go up and confront that eighth or ninth pedophile of the day,

holding that cold six-pack of Mike's heart in his hands, I can only think one question. Who is Mike? Does anyone know who Mike is? Kyle, uh... Kyle, why don't you have a seat? Thanks, Tony. That was, yes, Jeremiah.

Gorshkov. I don't know if this is the proper term, but he look like a douchebag. Very good. That's actually, I believe that is the proper term. Hello, Kyle. How are you? And look, first of all, I'm not going to make fun of you too hard.

I get it. I know what's going on there. You're trying to remember what the fuck you were going to talk about halfway through. And it comes across as, you know, hey, he's calm. He's taking his time. But I could see you literally like looking at the stage for a second it reminded me like I had like a flashback of when I was very first starting and you're trying to

fucking recall because the nerves have taken over everything you know you think you know you think the drinking's gonna help and it's it appears that he's Stalin that's a Joseph Stalin reference from Russia It appears that he's Stalin.

That's a Joseph Stalin reference from Russia. Chrome a motherfucking Chris. You should learn your Russian history. So, Kyle, tell us about it. Is that your first time doing stand-up? Yes, sir. Fuck yeah. Wow, is this all first time so far? Except for Alice Hamilton, this is all first times.

That's exciting. And so you decided to do some To Catch a Predator material for your first time ever. Yeah. A lot of Mike's Hard Lemonade. Who is Mike? That's a good question. Did you do any research on it? Did you Google it?

No, no. Who is the Mike from Mike's Hard Lemonade? No. So you don't know? No. Do you want to know? Sure. I don't know. Okay. But I'm curious to know. I would research it because there might be a joke there. You know, who the fuck is that mic guy?

And I'm sure that's explainable and if it isn't a real guy, then there's fucking jokes there. But you just thought who the fuck is this Mike guy? Was going to, like, crush. Oh, yeah. They just had, to get, like, good evidence, they make them bring something. So they would say, like, they would have the pretend 11-year-old say to bring Mike's Heart Lemonade.

So everyone would bring Mike's Heart. And I thought it would be funny if they made a commercial that came on afterwards. Right. So that's what inspired that. Right. Have you heard about this Chris Hansen guy lately? He owes a lot of money And just got evicted

And arrested for writing bad checks He's down on his luck now Leave it to Red Band To know the latest news on Chris Hansen He's falling across Oh, it's safe now That's the Dateline theme song I think To Catch a Predator Oh, it's safe now. That's the Dateline theme song.

I think To Catch a Predator has its own jingle. The Dateline theme is Redman's ringtone. Kyle, tell us about you. What's your life look like? What does an average day in the life of Kyle Whalen look like? I'm 22. I'm from Philadelphia. I know you're coming. Do you live there now?

No, I live out here. I go to school, Arizona State. Oh, very cool. I saw Reagan and Watkins. They came out to the Valley Bar in Phoenix. Great rock and roll, funny show. Fuck yeah. Yeah.

Highly recommend. Yeah. You go to school? Do you have a job or anything like that? Yeah, I sling cheeseburgers around the Tempe area. Ah. What do you do with cheeseburgers? Deliver them.

You deliver them? Mm-hmm. Hell yeah. So you work for Postmates? Nah. Nah. Nah. Uber Eats.

Kyle, what are you studying at ASU? Food industry, marketing, and management. It's okay, Joel. We've moved on literally 12 seconds ago. Kyle, what do you study at ASU? Food industry, marketing, and management. I'm not sure what I'm doing. You have no idea what you want to do?

I worked in meat department rooms at grocery stores. Yeah, I bet you did, dude. Fucking slice of beef. Hell yeah. The old meat department. What in the world are you doing out right here? The type of creative chances that you take. I mean, the Sesame Street theme exclusively from 98 to 2001.

It was the good years. The only Sesame Street theme nobody knows. What are you talking about? That's what I grew up on. Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, you growing up in 98, Brian. You were 26 years old that year. That's what I grew up on.

Whatever, dude. When it got good. When you were growing up, Sesame Street wasn't even paved yet. It's brick. Kyle, what do you like to do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours? You seem like, you seem, you know, you seem sort of like, I agree with Gorgekoff on this one.

You seem sort of like, you know, ASU, sort of like a douchebag. You know, you sip your drink, you talk slow, you fucking chug your drink when things don't go good for you. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, tell us, like, tell us... You have a Matthew McConaughey impression at your disposal. All right. I feel like your walls are just filled

with unframed posters and fucking... Am I right about this? Yeah. Yeah, what do you do for fun? I play guitar, I play drums. Oh, wait a second. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Hold on

a second here. Kyle, how long you been playing drums for? I want to make sure this isn't like a publicity stunt and you just go over there and fucking slow roll it. You also have to be funny. No, you don't. No, you don't. Sometimes a good drummer can be complete redemption.

Okay, Joel's just getting nervous. Oh. Kyle, how long you been playing drums for? It's like first, second grade. Whoa. Since second grade, man. Joel isn't even alive then. Yeah, Joel didn't even go to grade school.

This is incredible. Well, I mean, you know, we are in Phoenix, and Joel's right. Your set wasn't the best, but it was your first time ever. So, why don't we do a Mexican drum off, huh? What do you guys think? You go up.

Okay. Going up. Okay. Going, uh... Gorge cough has taken a stand right next to me in between the drum set. Go ahead. Go ahead. Sit over there. And Kyle, he is flanked by Russians right now. Wait, wait. Don't do it yet, Kyle. You gotta wait. Let me set it up. Wow, he's adjusting Joel's drums. Wait, wait. Don't do it yet, Kyle. You gotta wait. Let me set it up. Wow. He's adjusting Joel's drums. Oh, shit.

Now, let me remind you all. I know this is some of you. I know some of you are the girlfriends that came with your boyfriend that you might not know everything about the show. So here's how it works. This has been a running thing. Sometimes there is a Mexican drum off in which somebody has a drum solo

and then Joel comes out and he has a drum solo and then joel comes out and he does a drum solo and whoever wins is uh is the is the drummer in the band now joel is undefeated in this but let it be known that if somehow kyle who after his first time ever on stage after drinking the drink with two hands like a douche and all that. If somehow he is able to blow our minds and then Joel somehow, who he always finds a way. Joel had a tough one a few weeks ago. Oh, yeah, we were sweating. And we thought he was probably going to lose his job.

Because if Kyle wins, let it be known that if somehow Kyle is able to summon the devil himself and win this competition, Kyle drops out of ASU, moves to Los Angeles, and is the new drummer for Kill Tony. However, Joel Berg is undefeated. Ladies and gentlemen,

performing a drum solo, this is the highlight of his life. I give you Kyle Whalen. bass solo And now, the defending drummer of Kill Tony, Joel Burr! Joel, come in here! Thank you. Wow! Wow! A standing ovation for Joel Berto Jimenez. Oh my God, he's having sex with his drum set.

Wow! Oh! Oh my god, he's having sex with his drum set. Wow. He has one foot behind his head. His wig fell off, his tube sock fell off. Oh my god. Oh wow. That is fucking incredible. There's no doubt about it. Still your reigning, defending, undefeated drummer of the Kill Tony band.

Joel Jimenez. Wow. That was very impressive. At one point, Joel turned completely into a pile of hair. Man, that was impressive. See, what these losers don't get is it's about showmanship, not skill. It is true. I can't wait for the day that somebody says they can play the drums,

and I take the trap, and I set up a Mexican drum off, and they just start stripping down to the tube sock in their pants. At that point, I will take my skin off. I will fucking die up here. I was about to fuck myself with a stick in the ass. I swear to God, I was going to fuck myself. And now you can go fuck yourself. Woo! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow. All right, let's keep this fun train moving along, ladies and gentlemen. That was Kyle Whalen. Come on, give him a hand. You know, if you're not going to, you know, it's not easy to go on stage and, you know. Yeah, please go change. Oh, my God. Wow.

I can't believe he gets browner in some parts. Oh, God. It's like stained. Oh, wow. That was unbelievable. I love Chroma Chris is so white. He has white tube socks on with his black pants and black shoes. Look at this. Like a Penn State assistant coach.

I love it. Alright, let's keep this. You guys having fun out there? In that case, I guess we'll keep the show going with the comedy stylings of Ross Dinsdale everyone. Make some noise for Ross. Whoa.

Big pop from the comedy side. Here he comes. Coming up fast. He's high-fiving everyone instead of walking to the stage. One, two, three, four. Oh, hello! Oh, man, I wrote stuff down so I don't forget. Do you guys... Oh, man.

Do you guys ever go to places and you don't want to talk to anybody? Because I have a simple way where people won't go to talk to you. Maybe you go to Taco Bell and you're like, no one's going to talk to me. I immediately go to places and you don't want to talk to anybody because I have a simple way where people won't go to talk to you maybe you go to Taco Bell and you're like no one's going to talk to me I immediately go to the bathroom I assume the position between stall A and stall B and I start to penis I wash my hands and I walk out

no one's going to fucking talk to you holy cow I feel like I'm going to have talk to you. Holy cow. I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. I feel like I just did a line of coke. This is awesome. You guys have no idea. My heart's not beating. Is there a cardiologist in the room?

No, okay. If you go to court and you take a shit in the courthouse, okay. If you go to court and you take a shit in the courthouse, is it called a civic duty? All right. Ross Dinsdale, everybody. Ross Dinsdale. Hell yeah, dude.

Wow, that was fun. The comedian side popped. They went crazy when I pulled your name out. They love you over there, huh? You been doing stand-up a little while? Nine months. Nine months. Look at you.

For those of you listening to the podcast, Ross looks like every character from No Country for Old Men mashed together. He looks like if Willy Wonka started smoking Marlboros. He looks like both a pedophile and the sheriff that is trying to arrest him. I mean, Ross is an interesting looking guy. You have that Javier Bardem. Is that it?

Javier Bardem. Haircut and a fucking little baby cowboy hat. And a creepy leather jacket. There's a snake in my boot. Yeah, there's something very weird going on here. How old are you, Ross? I feel like you could be anywhere between 75 and 12. I'm 33.

33, right there. Smack dab in the middle. Lil Jon is here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. So, Ross, let's just get into it. You've been doing stand-up for nine months. It'll be a year in March, whatever the math is on that. I'm not a mathematician. It'll be a year in March.

Are you talking about the kids that you look at through the playground bars? It'll be a year in March. Sure. What the fuck are you? Tony, he is Donnie Brasco's grandfather I'm Ross You only look like You look like you were built and created

In a creative character In a video game to do this show You look like Sonny Bono After he crashed into the tree Sonny Bono after he crashed into the tree. Sonny Bono reference. He looks like the young owner of Jurassic Park. Ross, fill us in, man.

What do you do looking like that? What do you do every other minute of the day? Yes, yes, yes. No, this is what I do, man. What do you do for work? I work for a company. There's the Jurassic Park theme. There you go. This is so bad, I want to move back to Russia.

There you go. Ross, I'm trying to get one answer out of you. Let's see if I can get it. I clean warehouses. You clean warehouses. Or a warehouse. It's a big warehouse, though, so if I go around multiple times, it's like I've cleaned multiple warehouses. Correction, he lives in warehouses.

You just, like, clean the floors? I'm the shop bitch, so I just do whatever they need me to do. Wow. How long have you been doing that for? Long enough to get that outfit. It's like August. Yeah, is it a men's warehouse that you're cleaning?

Goodwill. Yeah, I bet. These pants are Lululemon, though. All right. You look like after they broke bad, you tried to put it back together. After what? It's too late now. Okay, I'll do it again.

He looks like, he does look like Walter White, like, towards the end when he's, like, on the run and in disguises and shit like that. Like, oh, I'm gonna use this woman's wig to, uh... No one will know if I put on this ridiculous hat and wiggle it. I call it a wiggle it.

It's like a baby wig. It's like a it's like a baby baby wig. It's like a piglet to a pig. That's a wig. All right. So Ross, tell us like what you seem everything about you is frightening. So tell us what is the scariest thing about you? What is the creepiest thing that you have a fear of like

loathing in Las Vegas or something like that? That's a good point. That's a good one. Creepiest thing about me? I don't know. Come on. Yes, you do. What year was it you started writing Goosebumps?

Creepiest thing. R.L. Stine reference. Great Buckeye from Columbus, Ohio. So tell us, Ross, what are some hobbies of yours? You seem like stand-up isn't the only thing that you do. I'm a photographer. I like taking pictures of airplanes. Of airplanes?

Yeah, strictly aviation. Of airplanes, like when they're in the air? Flying. I'm in an aviation group. We go to Air Force bases and like airports and we get like special access. Oh, very cool. So you specialize photography in aviation.

Correct. Oh, that's really, really neat. Too bad your comedy will never take off. That's a full-blown Jolberg right there. Do you fly a lot in planes with that aviation? Only when I buy a ticket, but I don't fly a lot. Right. So that is most of us.

What made you take special interest in airplanes, do you think? My dad was in the Air Force, so I've always grown up around aviation. And when I discovered photography, it was like the one thing that kind of clicked. Is your dad still alive? He is. And has he ever seen you perform stand-up comedy? He has not. That is why he's still alive.

You're a good son. Does he know that you do it? He's aware, yes. What does he say? Is he supportive of it? They are not supportive of it at all. They're not supportive at all? No, they would rather have me go to school. For what?

I don't know. What do they want you to study? Airplanes. I don't know. This is more fun. This is crazy. You look like you're not allowed within 500 feet of a school, Ross. He's not proud of you?

You really believe that? No, just the comedy. He thinks, he views it like he wants me to make money. Wow. It's okay. I have seen him struggle. My father never believed in me to become breakdancer. Aw. Uh, man, that's crazy. You used to be in the Air Force. He's a pretty tough guy. Man, that's crazy. He used to be in the Air Force.

He's a pretty tough guy. He was never really around growing up. He wasn't. My parents were divorced when I was nine, so he never was really around. Wow, man. I can't believe he's not supportive of you. You know what, Ross?

It's like I'm looking in a very ugly mirror right now. A very ugly mirror? Did you say mirror? I guess so. All right, keeping this whole thing moving along. All right, guys, guys, guys. Jeremiah, that is everything that is... There you go. Think about it. All right. Brian, guys, guys. Jeremiah, that is everything that is... There you go. Think about it.

All right. Brian. Brian. Jesus. Okie dokie. Very good. Very good, guys. It went on for a long time. It got funnier every time. Very good. So, Ross, I'm still curious about this dad thing. What... Okay.

Very good. For those of you that like retarded shit, there you go. Get it out of your system. There you go. I was going to have us call Ross's dad, but we've run out of time with Ross, so laugh it up, you fucking idiots. Laugh it up. Dar, dar, dar, dar.

You fucking twats. Anyway, I'm glad that you enjoyed it, though. You enjoyed watching all the moving around? Huh? That's amazing right the visuals yeah it gets better every time imagine what it would have been like me telling the dad that doesn't support his son that maybe if he didn't get divorced when ross was nine that this wouldn't have happened in the first place but no instead you got fucking break dancing for a podcast yes and we're gonna keep it moving along

Ross we're not gonna call your dad today maybe next time there he goes Ross Dinsdale the real Skeletor on Instagram man I can just tell Joel Berg's still riding the high from that fucking drum hop back there

chugging Red Bull. All right. Your next comedian is Steve Uris. Or Friz. Steve Uris. There he comes. Everything you do, breaking my heart into a million pieces, like you always do. Steve Uries, ladies and gentlemen, come on.

I kind of look like Adam if he got a job, right? Cleaned up. Adam, the guy who got bit by the dog. Never mind. Anyways. Or Kyle if he joined a gym. Anyways. Maybe you guys saw me here tonight with this pretty young Mexican lady. She is not a prostitute. That's my wife. Yeah. that's my wife. Yeah. She's Mexican.

She's a little bit racist. Funny thing, on the way over here, I asked her, I said, you think it'd be funny if I used the N-word in a joke tonight? And she said, depends on how many are there. That's a... Not me, Not me.

Not me. No. I didn't say it. You thought it. I said it. That's it. I'm about to pass out. Yeah.

He's about to fucking pass out. Doing that thing you do. Fuck yeah. Uri's or Vriz? Udis? Wow. Spanish. Jerem.

Gorshkov. Gorshkov. Okay. Gorshkov. Yes. This might be the most romantic man I've ever seen. The way he introduced his wife. This is no prostitute.

This is my wife. My wife. It's very good. Very romantic. It's her birthday tonight, so I... Wow. So I say, listen, whore, we go see Kill Tony tonight.

Yeah. It's your birthday. One time a year. For you. I was gonna say I had... I was gonna say I had to bring her. Oh, wow. Happy birthday, bitch. How long have you two been together?

How long have you been with this Mexican woman and what protest did you two meet at? Because you seem like you marched in the opposite direction. I looked like I tracked her down and tried to deport her. Yes, I got invited to a quinceanera

and I said, hey, you want to hang out? I'm losing blood in my head. So, Steve, stand-up comedy, first time? Yes. Wow Wow look at that and your it appears as though your wife it's also her first time since she

made the joke that got your big laugh when you were up here too that's what I told her I said I gotta make fun of you that's all I got there you go well you tried to make fun of yourself twice at the beginning of this set, but it almost seemed like you've never seen yourself before.

It's like, hey, what's up? It's like me. I'm just like that last guy, Ross Dinsdale. Anyway, remember him? Gorgecoff. Yes, this guy looks like a racist professional wrestler. Stone Cold Steve Boston.

Stone Cold Steve Boston. Yes. No, I like that. It is true. Are you a pro wrestling fan? You have a chiseled beard. You do have the wrestling head. You are wearing like a golf jacket of some kind. I don't really get it.

It sort of trickles away towards the end. His wrestling name is Proud Boy. Maybe. I don't watch a lot of TV, so. What do you do? Or read books. Yeah. What do you do? When you're not watching TV, what do you do?

I work. I just started a gym and I have a part-time job. You started your own gym? Yeah. Oh, what makes your gym special? Is it here in Phoenix? It's in Avondale. Avondale. It's a little more west. Okay, there's a couple of Avondale fans out here.

Albanese. So what makes your gym special? Sell us on it. Oh, it's not. It's just a gym. That is actually the commercial for their company what's special about your gym it's not just gym by by the looks of him it's not a slim gym it's just it's it's just shout out to the macho man it's just what you were about to say something else it's just a place you go to work hard. They're everywhere. People just don't want to do it.

It's a strange business. That is what I call America. Just like wife. Wife everywhere. Gym everywhere. They're just okay. So you started a gym. Yeah, go ahead. But typically when you work, you get paid. So my place, you come, you pay me,

you gotta do the work. It's very strange. Right, right right that's how every gym works yeah i would never explain that business model again to anybody else while you have a gym a lot of people you go to work i pay you but at my place you fucking pay me you idiot Oh, fucking yeah Alright So Steve, you said you have another job Right? You opened a gym and what? I work for a print shop in Buckeye So that's even more Wes, Buckeye Fuck yeah

Print shop, to the limit printing No, absolutely, there you go 3D printing, Guns for school shooters. Yeah. So how long have you been with the Mexican girl? Did I ask you that already? 14 years. 14 years.

Man. You must have like 40 kids. How many kids do you have? My landscaping's great. Happy birthday, you bitch. How many kids do you have? Two. Two kids.

Hell yeah. Dos. We tied it up. You tied it up? You tied your side up? I got a small yard. All the rest is just waiting. You tied up or she tied up?

Yo, look at you. Fuck yeah. Fucking got the balls all tangled up. Fucking tangled up in blue balls. So how long ago did you have that operation? Did you get it done by a dick doctor? Six, four. Yeah.

Thank you, sir, you piece of shit. We all know it's a callback. We're all Kill Tony fans in here. I don't need you, and I don't need the lady over there when he said I was going to do a joke about the N-word, and the one fucking liberal pussy over there is like, no, you can't. It's like, no shit, you dumb cunt.

Jesus. So sick of this shit. CNN is rotting your brains. All right. See, this is how I play to my conservative base. Ah. We're going to have to edit that word out for our sponsors, I do believe. Have you cunts tried infinite CBD?

All right. What does the C in CBD stand for? Cunt bitch daddy, Tony Hinchcliffe. Once you rub some of that CBD on my cock, Tony. Wow, okay. Red band just took all the momentum and made it about something gross.

Okay. So what the fuck was I just talking with you about? Where did you meet your wife 14 years ago? High school. High school. High school. Wow, high school. Look at that. I was standing outside her high school.

I saw her. I said, you will be mine someday. Someday is right now. Right now is in the back of my van. In the back of my van is my home. You know, with all these first timers. In the back of my home is the gym I am opening. Would you like to come to the gym of my van is my home. You know, with all these first timers. In the back of my home is the gym I am opening. Would you like to come to the gym in my van?

All right, all right, all right, all right. You don't need to do this celebratory dance, Jeremiah. It's a death for the podcast listeners. But for the viewer, it's coming. Right, yeah, that's okay. It's all good. Okay, so Steve, you know, it's your first time, and just like all the other first-timers, there's no real need to give any advice or anything like that.

Is this something you've always wanted to do? You think you're going to do it again, or are you just a fan of the show and wanted to see how it goes and have a special wife's birthday or whatever? I was actually going to do an open mic. It sounded like fun, and you guys happened to come into town this week. So I just got lucky. I was going to do an open mic for fun. There you go.

I think you should do it again, man. I think you're very funny, especially for your first time. That's great. You going to do anything special tonight for your wife, like in the bedroom or anything like that? You going to fucking put on brown face? Yeah. You seem like the kind of guy

that would watch a black guy fuck your wife. Am I right? If she's... Are you off your period? There's a black guy going crazy over here. Wow. What the fuck? This guy throws everybody under the bus.

It's up to her. It's up to her. It's up to her. All right. She put a napkin down at least before she sat down? All right. There we go. Keeping it moving along. There he goes.

Steve Yerez or something like that. Yerez. He's URIZ training concepts. Ross Dinsdale is the real Skeletor on Instagram, and the Kyle Whalen is the guy who you saw in the Mexican drum off. So back to the bucket we go. We're having fun. This is exciting.

It's got a fun little Phoenix vibe to it. You don't know whether it's going to be a Mexican maintenance man or a white trash guy from an hour west. Really could be anybody at this point. So let's keep it moving along. Let's go with Avery Gingery. Whoa. The comedians love him.

Here he comes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How are you guys doing? Are you guys fine? Relax. relax. I'm in high school, which is so inconvenient. Because I have the body of a 40-year-old and all the disadvantages of a 16-year-old.

All right, okay. Nobody else out there fucking 17 year olds? Okay. You guys ever walk through an apartment and you see a kid playing hide and seek vigorously? And you wonder, did that kid's dad just walk out on him? Relax guys, my daddy was an Olympic hide-and-seek player. His high

score was 17 years. I got an STD test. Doctor told me if I give you a call, this is bad news. So I changed my number. Fuck yeah. There we go. Avery Gingy with perhaps we could easily say is the set of the night so far. Thank you.

Fuck yeah, you got it. Absolutely. You've been doing stand-up, what, four or five years? Two years. Two years? That's incredible. Look at you.

And you already have both the comedy stylings and the look of Leslie Jones. It's incredible. My goodness. What ethnicity are you? Hey, hey, hey. Black and Indian.

Black and Indian. Look at you. You're like, hey. Black and Indian. Black and Indian. Look at you. You're like Dr. Sanjay Goopy. Hey, guys. How you guys doing? Yeah. You guys. Uh-oh.

No, I like the show. It's a good show. No, thank you. Yeah, we're the number one live podcast in the world. Yeah. I can tell. I can tell. Hell, yeah.

By the way, I have never been physically moved while the intro song has been playing. And this guy's like, get out of my way, bitch. Time for me to kill. Avery took the handicapped ramp up here tonight. Fuck yeah. Not only could you work at a 7-Eleven,

it's also your weight. I can get an application. I can get an application. I can get an application, but they won't hire me. They won't hire me. I love it. You're so funny. And I heard a very loud pop from the comedy, the comedian side of things when they pulled your name. Ross Denzel is sick, guys.

What? Ross Denzel is sick, guys. What? Ross Denzel is sick. All right. You and seven Phoenix comedians are going to really crack up about that one later. Anyway, Avery, tell us more about you. You've been doing stand-up for two years. Two years. Goddamn, I started when I was 15.

Wait, how old are you? 17. Get the fuck out of here. Really? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. There's something in the water here in Phoenix. Some people look old as fuck and some people look young as fuck.

I had you at like 26, 27. You're 17 years old. Yes. Yes, I am. So that black sock was much needed. Much needed. What the fuck? Oh, I see.

Because technically he'd be exposing himself to a minor. Yes, yes, yes. There you have it. Oh, no, we've talked to lawyers about this. In a place that serves food, you have to wear the sock. Holy shit, Avery. So tell us what it's like being fucking 17-year-old black Indian in Phoenix. I'm pretty goddamn sick.

I'm doing stand-up, going to school, fucking... You're in high school. ...chilling with homies. You're a junior or senior? Junior. Wow. Yeah, yeah. So what's going on in your life right now?

You have a driver's license. I do not have a driver's license. Fuck that. Holy shit. You take care? I just know a certain amount of people who can give me rides hell yeah that makes sense

but yeah I mean just you know chilling with homies yeah what do you guys do when you chill do you ever Pokemon Go or anything like that fuck no no that's a dead joke I don't know what the kids do anymore

I'm literally asking. You're 17 years old. It's not phone apps. I slipped on my vomit last night. Really? Wow. But then I, and it was weird because I turned over and smelled it. I can't imagine black and Indian vomit.

I mean, I know how bad my white vomit smells, but I cannot imagine. Yes, I cannot imagine the smell of fried curry coming back up. It goes great with fried chicken. Now, you got an Indian mom and a black dad? No, no, no. I don't have a dad. I have a black mom.

You mean an Indian guy fucked a black woman? For the first time ever. Wow. I'd love to see how that shit happened. Was it like a one night stand? No. No, it was not. I think they, you know, just was fucking for a little, you know.

I probably got a dent on my head from his dick, you know. I probably got a dent on my head from his dick, you know. This is a true superhero origin story. That is why I have dent on my head and I can see the future because my dad pokes through my mom's vagina and hit my head. They wanted to name you

M. Blackest Night Shyamalan. My goodness. My goodness. The crowd is going crazy. Avery, I could tell you had a little bit of Indian in you because you look like you go to a new deli every day. Avery. If you want to count the QT deli.

Avery, what are you doing tomorrow? What did you say now? What are you doing tomorrow? I don't have any shows planned. You don't have any shows planned? You a pro wrestling fan at all? Oh, shit, I am. I am. You are?

How would you like two tickets to the Royal Rumble? Oh, fuck yeah. There you go. Enjoy that. You can take one of your friends. Hell yeah, that's from an amazing Kill Tony fan that goes by the name of Christopher Chris Anderson. He's on Instagram at Christopher Chris Anderson. He's on Instagram

at Christopher Chris Anderson. That's Christopher with a K. Wait, wait, wait. What? Are you shouting out my Instagram? That's not me. No, I know. That's not you. That's the guy that gave us tickets. Okay, give back the tickets. That's the guy that gave you tickets. I'm a narcissist. I'm sorry. No, it's okay.

That's okay. Chris Anderson, thank you for the Royal Rumble tickets that this guy put in his pocket immediately. Yeah. Thank you. Absolutely. So there you go. You have a little something fun to do tomorrow, huh?

The motherfucking Royal Rumble. I highly recommend going to it. It's going to be a lot of fun. Yeah, Joel Berg? Anytime his stomach growls, it's a Royal Rumble. Do you want to... You didn't write anything down. Do you want to plug your Instagram or Twitter? Oh yeah, you guys can get me at

cheeseburgerbandit on Instagram, guys. There you go. Thank you. 17 years old, you're going to watch this guy grow. Sure, get over here. Fuck yeah. I'll hug anybody, clearly. Crowd goes crazy. The kid just left with two fucking Royal Rumble tickets.

I love that. The fucking comedians love this kid. Little did they know that they're going to hate him in a couple years when he's gone and they're still here in Phoenix. He's in New York City as his fucking show or whatever. They're going to kill each other to see who gives him a ride tomorrow. Alright. Back to the bucket

we go. We're going to keep this fun train moving along with the style of Thomas Eppolito. Whoa. Another big pop from the comedy side. Here he comes. A good steady pace. My girl's been stressing me out,

talking about baby names. She's like, what do you think of the name Deshawn? I'm like, is this not my baby? She's like, why? I'm like, I don't think we're allowed to use that name. Oh, really? We're going to get uncomfortable there? Things are good with us. She makes more money than I do, which I'd be cool with, but she's a

teacher, so. Really highlights how bad things are going. You guys remember that rally they had to increase teacher wage? I was right down there with her, because if she gets to raise us, like, so do I. I know I'm big and burly, but I'm not manly. If something is wrong with my car, I pull over, pop the hood, then just stare at it until a real man shows up. Do you know what it's like when I go into AutoZone? They're like, what's wrong? I'm like, I think it's the spokes.

Alright, check the chain then. I think it popped. There you go. Thomas Eppolito. Is everything... Word, Dom. Thomas Eppolito. It's a goddamn...

I just gave away the only two Royal Rumble tickets I had, and then you came up here and had a good set as well. So fun. How about one more time for Thomas, everybody? Fuck yes. You are indeed a burly man. For those of you listening to the podcast, Thomas is built like a snowman.

Just round balls on top of balls. Tony, he is built like a snowman. Just round balls on top of balls. Tony, he is built like a Russian doll. Matryoshka. My goodness, Thomas. How long have you been doing stand-up? A little over a year and a half. Great fucking jokes for a year and a half.

That's a lot of fun. All here in Phoenix? Yeah. You live here in Phoenix? Yeah, here in Phoenix. And your wife's a teacher? Girlfriend, teacher. Girlfriend, a teacher.

What class is she teaching? Fourth grade. Fourth grade. And what do you do where she's making more money than you? I take care of some Airbnbs. Oh, okay. So I make probably $10,000 less than her. You look like you're filled with Airbnb.

Yeah. Butter and bacon. How much do you think I weigh? I would guess correctly. $10,000 really good. I would go with... $290. No, I'd go with $315.

Correct, $ 315. Correct, 315. I used to work as a goddamn carnival barker, you bitch. No, I'm kidding. He also multiplied his own body weight times three. Yes, I did gorge cough. Because I'm not morbidly obese i can do that thomas you always been a big boy uh so i used to and then i lost like 100 pounds i was a personal trainer once was lost and now it's found and then i gained another like 120 after i lost 100 so yeah i should just stay you lose you literally lose and gain tony hinge class that's incredible And then I gained another like 120 after I lost 100. So it just stayed. You literally lose and gain Tony Hinchcliffe.

That's incredible. Very impressive. When you lost it, how did you lose it? I just ate healthy and exercised every day. Yeah. And then when you found it again, how did you find it? So I started doing powerlifting. And then at that point, like you don't have to be...

What were you lifting? Ice cream to your face? A lot of that. A lot of that. A lot of McDonald's. And yeah, I used to be able to squat 617 pounds in a competition. Wow. I can't believe you're talking about your girlfriend's weight.

No, she's way out of my league. She is gorgeous. She's hot, and I don't know why she's hot. What do you think she sees in you? I'm a nice guy. I'm a really nice guy. I'm sweet. I'm romantic. Give us an example of something sweet that you've done lately.

Okay, so for Valentine's Day... And when you say you're sweet, do you mean it's because you're sweating diabetes? Yeah, my blood sugar is very sweet. So for Valentine's Day, I got all these pictures of us on little vacations, and I put them all around the bedroom. Well, every vacation is little. Rose petals and just, I don't know.

Rose petals and fucking chocolate wrappers. Yeah. No, no, no, no. So many times I'll go out to eat to get us both something. She's not home yet, and then I just end up eating both of them and just don't tell her. Oh, my God. Look at you. Give us an example.

Yeah, Scorch Cough. Yes. Can you still squat a decent amount of weight? I could. I could squat you right now if you want to. What? Yes. All right, here we go.

Wow. Hold on, wait. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. This guy just What the fuck Is he wearing a thong? This guy just squatted Jeremiah What What the fuck? Is he wearing a thong? This guy just squatted Jeremiah. What?

What the fuck? What is that you're wearing, Jeremiah? Is that real? Are you okay? I think Joel's about to puke live on this show. What the? GorgeCop, you have a lot of explaining to do right now. Gortschkopf just pulled out his pants

and there's some type of red elephant cock cover with a cheese spray. This is happening so late in the show that I just like to think that Jeremiah forgot that he was wearing that. It's like a woman's thong in the front. Like, what the... It is secret family Russian special dance move.

Wow. Man, that elephant definitely had some junk in the trunk. You know what I'm saying? I'm out of breath. It is unbelievable how easily you just squatted Jeremiah. Jeremiah, how much do you weigh? I weigh 175 pounds. Wow.

How much did you weigh at the end of the weight gain challenge? I weighed 196 pounds. Man. Well, Thomas, I mean, so much fucking fun. Unbelievable set. And for a year and mean so much fucking fun, uh, unbelievable set. And for a year and a half, you know, it's right up there.

I mean, you and Avery have the sets of the night and he's been doing it two years and you're at a year and a half. So you're right there, dude. Thank you so much for signing up. Great job. Thomas Apolito.

Uh, Who wants to go back to the bucket one more time, huh? Yeah. Yeah, right? Yep, yep, yep. Yeah. So back to the yep, yep. Yeah. So back to the bucket we go. What? Was that the lady I called a cunt earlier? Did she move?

She's trying to throw me off. Hey, Tony. Shut up, you bitch. Cunt is my mother's name. Okay, let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Scott Sandry, everyone. Scott Sandry. Hey, hey, hey.

Yeah, yeah. Here he comes. Scott Sandry on a steady pace to the stage. Come on, make some noise for your final comedian of the night, Scott Sandry. Kit Kats are a lot like regular cats. You can break them into fours, and they taste delicious. Whenever I go to the fair, I always have a black friend with me because I never know which is the best cotton candy to pick.

Seinfeld's Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee is so successful that I'm pitching a new show called Dykes on Trikes Getting Tacos. Hulk Hogan talks about all these brothers, which makes his mom a whore. Midgets hate being called midgets, but like most things, they can't get over it. I was seeing this girl for a while, and she started calling me pet names,

and one night she asked me, how come you don't have any pet names for me? So later on we were at this party, and I was introducing her to people. Hey guys, this is my girlfriend Jessica, but I like to call her Bambi, because her mom got shot in the face with a shotgun. Meow. Fun fact, sex with an amputee, fun fact, is never 100%. Rawr.

There you go, Scott Sandry, everybody. We're having a little technical difficulties. It appears as though our little kitten has died over here. Scott, fucking welcome. Welcome, welcome. How's it going? Very, very, very, very, very,

very funny. That's incredible. Perhaps as many directional changes and one-liners as we may have ever had on this show. That was quite incredible. Very funny stuff. Well, thank you. Scott Sandry. For those of you listening to the podcast that aren't watching it, Scott looks a lot like if Kurt Russell was in Dallas Buyers Club.

Instead of Matthew McConaughey. Does look like somebody drained you of all of your blood. Has anyone ever told you that before? Yeah, I'm very pale. I'm Canadian white. Oh, are you Canadian? No. Oh. You're just that kind of white. Right, that makes sense. Are you born and raised here in Phoenix? No, Minnesota.

Gordchkov. It looks like Boromir died in Lord of the Rings. How long have you been here in Phoenix? I moved here in like 89. 89? How old are you? 34. 34?

Wow. Look at that. 89. Were you into Sesame Street around 98, 99 perhaps? No. Just checking. Scott, tell us a little bit about yourself. What are some fun facts about you that we might be interested in now?

I have tried a poker stick on a swing. What kind of swing? Children's swing at a park. I was young. Oh, how'd that go for you uh i think i got two bounces in wow yeah look at that that's uh that that sounds like something i would uh i would uh i would like make up on the question part like you ever pogo stick on a swing or anything like that no it, it was around when I was 16. It was around when jackass was really big. Oh, okay. It seems physically impossible

to swing back and forth while pogo sticking. Oh, no. I wasn't swinging like that. You were just doing it on a swing. Just trying to land it. Okay. If a swing is not swinging, is it a swing? That's a good point. It's just chain with seat on it

The only thing you guys know how to swing Is an election right You fucking Russians I don't know what you're talking about Let's just say the Olympics Aren't the only thing you guys are meddling with You know what I'm saying I will build a great, great wall.

Okay, there you go. He has a Trump soundboard that he uses once, and then it's annoying. That was Donald Trump, the great Donald Trump. What are you going to do? Are you going to hit that button? Okay. This is the part where Red Band gets weird for a second.

So, Scott, other than Pogo sticking on a swing, tell us more. For work, I do graphic design and websites and photography and stuff like that. Okay. Okay. You have a girlfriend? Not anymore, no. Yeah, what happened? I ask myself that every day.

Wow. He kept taking her to Nickelback concerts. Scott, how long have you been single? A few months now. A few months. And did she really break up with you? She broke your heart?

Yeah, I have no idea what happened. She just kind of left. Really? Yeah. You know what? I think we should call her right now. I'm pretty sure she won't answer. I haven't heard from her in about... I think when it comes to coming out with a victory, my friend Gorgekoff over there is full of ideas. I have an old Russian hack.

It's called Star 67. Ah. Or just any number that she does not recognize. If you call it twice, she will answer the second time. What? He's actually right. Chroma Chris is still spot on.

That is my genie friend, Boar. No, I haven't heard from her in about a month and I sent her a text a couple days ago and heard nothing so that's why I'm pretty sure. Do you think it's another guy? I have no idea. It is what it is though. I've just got to move forward.

But it's fine. Okay Okay we're going to play We're going to play a game right now How do we make this sadder I'm just trying to think of what the best case scenario would be If we followed through with this right now I'm trying to think like what could possibly happen And I think What?

That's actually not a bad idea sir It sounds like our best bet is to call your mom Is your mom alive or did your mom break up with you too? They don't have phones six feet under Wow your mom is dead Hey Jeremiah I believe we answered your question. How do we make this

sadder? Perhaps, uh... It's our favorite game show in Russia. This is a lot. No, I like it like this. A lot of comedy shows like to end with a big bang. I like to just fucking, you know, Sully Sullenberger that shit right into a river. Uh,

how about your dad? Is your dad alive and well? Yeah. Yeah? Well, I don't know about 100% well, but he just does contracting work. Do you talk to your father? Yeah, I actually do. Is your dad proud of you being a stand-up comedian? This is my first time.

What? How do we make this happier? Wow. That's incredible. I never in a million years would have guessed that. That is very, very, very fucking impressive. Well, thank you. Wow.

My God. What do you think that girl that dumped you would say? She's a fan of this show because of me. We were at the one last year. Really? Yeah. And she kept telling me I was funny. Let's call this bitch right now.

Everyone has to be real quiet. You guys know how it works. You guys have to shut the fuck up. Until I say don't shut the fuck up. All right, Brian. It always gets me every time. So this is falling into a long line of... He's shaking, right?

He just started shaking. I love it. No, it's good. No, I've been doing that since I got up here. That means he's fucking living. That's what shaking is. And you've got to put it on speaker, and you've got to put the ass end up to that phone.

What's her name? Paige. Paige? Yeah. Hey. Hey, how's it going? Hey. Good, how are you?

All right. Yourself? I'm good. I have someone that wants to talk to you. Hi, Paige. Hello, it's me. My name's Tony Hinchcliffe, and I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. And we're sitting here, and I'm talking to my friend Scott, and I understand, and I don't want to get too much into details,

but I understand that maybe a few months ago, things stopped between you guys, that maybe a few months ago, you know, things stopped between you guys. And I was wondering if maybe you'd want to go out for like a drink or dinner with Scott and maybe talk with him about things and at least give him an explanation. If not, you know, see where that night leads to. And maybe you guys will have fun. What do you think? You want to go out with Scott sometime this week? I literally can't understand anything that you're saying. Maybe you guys will have fun. What do you think? You want to go out with Scott sometime this week?

I literally can't understand anything that you're saying. So check it out. My name is Tony Hinchcliffe, and I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. And we're hanging out here, and of course, Scott got pulled out of the bucket on Kill Tony. He absolutely fucking destroyed doing comedy for the first time ever. We're here. We're live on Kill Tony.

He's our final comedian of the night, and he absolutely destroyed. It's his first time ever doing it. And then, of course, you know, you were at my show a year ago here at Stand Up Live. You remember that? It was the number one live podcast in the world. Yeah, I've been to your show a couple more times since then. I know who you are. You're damn right you know who I am.

So, Paige, I guess what I'm saying is we're putting a big ribbon on this amazing show that we've had here, and what I'm trying to make happen here is I'm trying to get you to maybe go to dinner or uh have a drink or a bottle of water or a coffee or something with my friend uh scott here who just fucking destroyed on this show i mean it's a packed house last time you were here it was like uh 70 percent pack this place 3 p.m packed fucking show so my point is is you know

we talked with him and i'm gonna be honest with Paige, and I don't want to throw him under the bus here, but he seems, you know, it seems like you sort of, uh, sort of, you know, it deeply affected him, uh, that relationship ending and, and he's moved on to a new chapter of excitement and fun and growth and he's following his dreams and he's executing it on a high level. When he told me it was his first set ever, I couldn't fucking believe it. So my point is, I guess what I'm asking is, will you go out with him sometime this week, and at least, if not, maybe make the magic, maybe it'll rekindle,

but at least you can maybe explain to him what happened, because he sort of feels left in the dark. You want to hang out with him again sometime? I mean, I have to say yes don't I hang up on that bitch before she changes her mind alright I'll talk to you later how about that Scott Scott Sandry ladies and gentlemen

Thank you And we did it Jeremiah Watkins Chroma Chris Joel Berg Joel Jimenez Brian Redband That's fucking it Is there anything else we have to do Chris. Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Brian Redband.

That's fucking it. Is there anything else we have to do? Is there anything to plug? InfiniteCBD.com. Go and use Tony15. BetDSI use Kill120. Jeremiah's going back to his hometown of Kansas City to headline shows March

14th to the 16th. We're selling amazing merch after the show. We have 25, only 25 available prints that are available outside. I have brand spanking new. You're the first people to ever get a shot at Tony Hinchcliffe pins that are available for sale out there. We have, what else? Tell me.

Jeremiah Watkins, everybody. Make some fucking noise for Jeremiah. I hope you're following me on social media, at Jeremiah Stander. They're following you. Come on. And also, I have a limited run of Cat Burglar shirts out in the lobby.

Hey! And a few inflatable saxophones for you. Oh! Well, well, well. I mean, this guy, you know, silent but deadly. But the more we hear from him, the more he's fucking killing. How about a hand for Chroma Chris, everyone, huh? Chroma, what did you think about tonight's episode?

Tony, you did not miss a beat, Tony. Okay, how about a hand for Joel Berg? Joel, how about... This guy literally went balls to the wall tonight. Joel, anything you want to say or plug or anything? Shout out to Ryan Jay, William Montgomery, Malcolm Hatchett. We miss you guys. All the people that couldn't be here tonight.

Malcolm Ratchett. How about a hand? Malcolm Ratchett. How about a hand? I know she signed up for the bucket tonight. We weren't able to get her up. How about a hand? There's a celebrity in house for you diehard old school Kill Tony fans.

Still doing stand- up, still performing everywhere. Make some noise. What do you stand up take about? Melissa Esslinger is here. Former Kill Tony regular. You may remember her as the most nervous performer in the history of the show. She wasn't even able

to talk sometimes. I'm so glad that she's still doing it and fucking sticking to it. I'm sure she's stronger than ever. We did it, Brian. Our second time ever in Phoenix, Arizona. Thanks again, guys. We love you. We love you. Good night, everybody.遊ぶはず タイマーズハンマーには歌って踊ろう

主役は僕だけの 一枚星 奪うぜ I'm going to run, I'm ready to run