KILL TONY - KILL TONY #325

Episode Date: February 20, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 02/14/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every single episode of Kill Tony, past episodes, video portions of the show. You can search for guest names, DeathSquad.TV. Also, click on tour dates when you're there. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store, but we're all over the place. We're on a world tour. We're going everywhere. We're going to Philadelphia March 21st. A second show has been added because the first one sold out. April 11th, breaking news.

We are going to be in northern New York, in West Nyack, New York, on April 11th. Then, proud to announce, Kill Tony Mania 2. It goes on sale this Friday at 10 a.m. And that's Friday, February 22nd. You got Kill Tony Sacramento. We're doing two shows there, October 16th and 17th. And then October 18th and 19th, we're back at Cobb's Comedy Club

where we did the original Kill Tony Mania, but we're doing four shows. October 18th, we're doing two shows and October 19th, we are doing two shows. Those tickets go on sale this Friday at LiveNation.com, February 22nd at 10 a.m. So check out DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates for all the links. TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony. Check him out. He has tour dates and all the other stuff at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt.

He's the house artist. He draws every episode. He has a brand new poster. It's amazing. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. There you can get the official Kill Tony t-shirt and Death Squad merchandise. There's only a few left.

So if you want the Kill Tony shirt, number two, get it now before it's gone. Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Bank coming to you live from Dublin, Ireland for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe.

Hello, Dublin. Make some fucking noise for the podcast listeners. Yippee-doo-dah goddamn day. We're here. Brian Red Band's here, everybody. What's up, guys? Wow. We are at Whelan's Live for our first ever night in Dublin, Ireland.

How exciting is this? Great. This is only the third country we've ever been to, right behind America and Canada. So good on you, as they would say here. This is mental, they would say here. This is mental, they would say here. This is a crazy time and we're super excited. You guys know what's up. Anything can happen.

Actually, we were here last night. We flew in yesterday afternoon and we had our first ever night in Dublin. We went to, just like every other dumbass American tourist, we went to the Temple Bar area. Yep.

Ah ha ha ha. Hey, fuck you. I'm sorry, fook you. And we got pretty well liquored up. Brian, you have anything you want to tell this audience of what you did last night? I guess in the middle of the night I walked out of my hotel. You guessed. Wait a second, wait a second. What do you mean you guessed? I don't the middle of the night I walked out of my hotel room. You guessed. Wait a second. Wait a second.

What do you mean you guessed? I don't remember any of it. Oh, okay. I went outside my hotel room, took a piss in the hallway, and then I was locked out. So I had to go in the lobby wearing all my boxers. He closed the hotel door behind him. His bathroom door closed behind him. Oh, God.

And then he wakes up. He's standing there in the hallway. Yeah, and I had to walk down to the lobby. This was at like 7 a.m. In his underwear. Yeah. No shirt, just hairy, gross monster coming out. Yeah, the hair was the frightening part, I'm sure.

You haven't seen my back, Tony. You haven't seen my back. And then tell these fine people what the man at the hotel desk told you. Oh, this is actually quite normal. Imagine that. The old don't kill yourself.

Happens all the time. People always piss in the hallway. Come down in their boxers. Sometimes it's worse, he said. Oh my god. Oh, I'm excited about this. Jesus. We're going guestless tonight as we do with all of our road shows. Keep this thing moving along.

We don't need some janky Irish comedian slowing us up, right? I invited Conor McGregor last night on Twitter. I hit him up in the DMs. Didn't get a response. That was the one guy that I would have let sit in with us. We do have a third microphone plugged in just in fucking case he shows up at some point.

Get the fuck out of his way. But yeah, so we don't need a guest because we have other shit going on that I'm excited about. We have, you know, I don't know if you guys like coffee here. Anybody coffee drinkers during the day? I don't know if you guys know this, but you have to try the delicious American caveman coffee. It's just the best goddamn

coffee. It's probably not even out here. Probably can't be shipped here. I brought it all. I brought it with me. It's so delicious that I just bring pictures and pictures of caveman coffee with me It's so delicious that I just bring Pictures and pictures of caveman coffee With me And you can get caveman coffee too

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You like it too. Yeah, I don't know if it's legal here, but you know, they have... But no, it's great, and it comes in a lot of different ways. They have creams and lotions, like if you have a sore neck, or they have lubes, if you want to do that.

Yeah, if you pissed in the hallway and uh piss in the hallway anxiety starts bumping a little bit rub some on your forehead get your mind right yeah i mean it's great no i i i highly love it uh it's great for everything and it's uh right now our friends over at infinite cbd have a nice little thing that if you go to their website yeah go to infinite cBD.com. Use the promo code TONY15 and you get 15% off any purchase. That's InfiniteCBD.com. Enter the code TONY15

and get 15% off any purchase that you make. There you go. You guys ready to start this shit-talky or what? Live from Dublin, Ireland for the first time ever. This is so exciting.

But before we get to that bucket, maybe we should bring... Did the band come with us? Is that possible on our first ever world tour? They sure did. You guys know how this works. Every single episode, they commit to being different characters. Sometimes it's a brand new character, like the gym rats. I don't know if anybody caught them a few weeks ago.

They were guys that go to the gym a lot that also had koala ears. Yeah, they look like koala bears. But you never know. They were Italian mafia guys on Monday's episode. Who knows what they'll be tonight. Maybe it's the return of some of our favorite characters. I never know. Again, they're always curtained off in a different room.

I have no idea what they're going to be. So let's see what happens tonight, shall we? They're the best goddamn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Here we go. They're going to be coming out that door any second whoa oh look at that the horseback whoa it's a mariachi and jolina whoa jolina is here ladies and gentlemen, with the mariachi Jeremiah Watkins.

This is incredible. These are two very, very, very famous characters from the show. Wow. Band leader with a saxophone. What is your name again? Salvador. Salvador. That's right.

And I'm sorry, Salvador. Salvador, that's right. And I'm sorry, Salvador, but I actually know the young lady sitting behind you. It's been a long time since she's been on this show. By far one of the most famous characters in the show history. Make some noise for

Jolina, everybody. What's up, putos? Damn, man. I'm here to get fucked up, dog. What's up, putos? Damn, man. I'm here to get fucked up, dog. What's up, eh? Jolina, for you podcast listeners, came out and did a shot of Jameson and has a Guinness.

Now I have Guinness, full of Guinness. Guinness. So at this rate, she might turn into Bill Billingsley at any moment. Can we hurry this up? I have a quinceañera to perform at on the street. Well, here we are.

We got Salvador, we got Jolina, and we have a bucket. Interesting one this time. This is the first place we've ever gone to in which less than 20 people have signed up. Such a bunch of tough guys out here in Ireland. Oh, fearless, fearless, fearless. We've had more sign-ups literally everywhere we've ever gone. You can name it. Raleigh, North Carolina, three times as many sign-ups.

L.A., about 200 in an episode. Yeah, but here we got 14 of Ireland's finest. And earlier, it was only six. We were like, oh, shit. We literally had to have the guy make an announcement. We didn't have enough people sign up for the first time ever. You have to understand what we're saying. 300 and what?

30-something? Sure, yeah. 330-some fucking episodes. We've never had less people sign up for the chance to get on the show than you. You. You. So many people I can tell fucking,

oh, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna face my fears. That kind of makes sense though. I mean, it doesn't make sense because there's so many famous Irish comedians. Yeah, so many of them. There's that good old Gallagher. Gabriel Iglesias.

George Lopez. How did you guys get here, by the way? Salvador and Jolina. In a giant suitcase full. Sometimes I hide underneath my hat. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. I have a bucket filled to the brim with 13 names of Irish people. Could be their first time.

Maybe they're the biggest comedian in the city. We don't know what's going to happen. If you get pulled out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know your time's up when you hear the sound of a kitten. And then wrap it up then. Actually, we brought the West Hollywood Bear with us. Wrap up or else you're going to hear the West Hollywood Bear. It sounds like this.

Nope, doesn't sound like that. That doesn't make any sense. Very good. We brought the West Hollywood Bear with us, and we had to drag him out of the George. He was at the George, and there you go. Nailed it. Thank you to our taxi cab driver for answering my... He's like, a bunch of fruitcakes go there.

Yeah, he did. That is what he said. I go to the cab driver. I go, is there a gay area of Ireland? Like a whole, you know, like L.A., we have West Hollywood. You guys have a gay area? He's like, no, but we have a bar. All the fruitcakes is what he said. We're like, Jesus Christ.

He also said, you know what, we'll give you another quote from him. Joel at one point goes, you guys have a lot of people from different countries, a lot of immigrants that come and become cab drivers. He goes, oh, the worst is the Nigerians. Can't make this shit up. The Apollo 13 would have lost their goddamn minds if they heard that.

After you perform stand-up comedy, if you get pulled out of the bucket, we talk to you, we find out more about you, figure out what the fuck makes you different than everybody else that's ever been on this show. And we are ready to begin. Dublin, Ireland, are you ready to actually start this shit? It's going down.

Anything can happen. This is the first stop on the first ever Kill Tony World Tour. Dublin, you are number one. And it starts now with your first comedian getting 60 seconds uninterrupted going by the name of Aiden Shields. Hey! Stairways right down the middle.

Right down the middle here, Aiden. Yeah! Stairway's right down the middle. Right down the middle here, Aiden. Yeah. All right. Oh, Ireland. Give me a shout. Fuck yeah. I love Ireland. I love Ireland.

Fucking hell, man. Ireland's great. Fucking hell. Shit. Yeah. Yeah. Man, fucking... Holy fuck. Yeah, I didn't you know, shit. Yeah, man, fucking, holy fuck. Yeah, oh shit. That's my first joke, man. Yeah, man, fucking, fucking, oh shit. Yeah, man, I fucking, I'm an Irish-Canadian,

I'm an Irish-Canadian, I love Ireland. You Ireland. Do you guys smoke weed? Your weed smoking crew. I smoke weed. I used to smoke weed. It got glamorized by the likes of Snoop Dogg. Snoop Dogg used to smoke weed. Fuck bitches. I used to smoke weed.

Couldn't even talk to bitches. Didn't help that I called them bitches. I did get a lady. I did get a girl, ladies and gentlemen. Pregnant. Yeah, man, young mothers are cool, man. Young mothers are cool. Young mother, my missus, she did that thing that all young mothers do.

She changed her Facebook profile picture to the picture. She changed it. Tequila. So, all right. Hey, what you got against young mothers, eh? Hey. Aiden, okay, let's talk about it. You love Ireland.

You love Ireland. You love Ireland. You love Ireland. You pandering fuck. That was 40 seconds of that. Yeah. Yeah. That's not how I planned it. Knocking over people's drinks like Gallagher.

Everybody's wet in the front row now. So, Aiden, before we get to you, let me just remind a lot of the people that maybe have pre-gamed here today and whatnot that during the people's 60 seconds you're not allowed to yell out anything. No one wants to hear fucking people yell Belfast or Get It Together or anything from you. If you want, you could maybe

check in. You could ask for Jeremy maybe at that place over there and you still possibly maybe could sign up. But if you didn't sign up for this show, you don't have the fucking balls or the right to yell at anybody that did. So, no

more of that. Aiden's the only one. It probably helped Aiden a little bit. Let's face it, this guy didn't have a fucking thing to talk about in the world. Was that your first time on stage? No, not at all. Oh, wow.

Oh, wow. This is Irish, Dublin's number one comedian here. Aidan, how did you become Dublin's favorite comedian? I just tell them that I love them over and over again. I don't have a single punchline. I took his stand-up comedy class, actually. You want to hear one of my jokes? Yeah.

I love Ireland. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Wow. Yeah, Aiden, that set was bumpier than the cobblestone street

at the Temple Bar. I know, I know. Yeah. Is that true, though? You smoke weed and you got a lady pregnant? Yeah, yeah. How was that joke going to end?

What did she put on her Facebook profile? She changed her Facebook profile picture to the picture of the baby. And I thought, oh, that's sweet. But now when my friends come looking for me on Facebook, it just looks like Aiden Shields is in a relationship with a baby. Yep, okay. You got the hair on. Wow.

I like the thing about Ireland more my goodness so how old is your baby one and a half you still with the girl that you got pregnant yeah I've got a 14 year old from a previous relationship you have a 14 year old from a previous relationship. You have a 14-year-old from a previous relationship. How old are you? I'm 35.

We're Mexican and that's even crazy for us. I was going to say that 14-year-old is ready to be a mom already. My goodness. Did you plan on staying with the girl that you got pregnant? Or was it just like, was it a one night stand? How long were you with her until you got her pregnant? With the 14 year old? No. Wait.

No, I mean, I had like. You fucked your 14 year old daughter? For the record, I did not fuck my son, no. No, no, I was with her for about three years, and then we split, and then, you know, met a new girl and had a different kid. So how long were you with the girl that has your one-and-a-half-year-old?

About five, six years. Oh, okay. Have you heard of condoms? Coming from a Mexican. Whoa. Watch this. I love Ireland. Jolina gets it.

So, Aiden, how long have you been doing stand-up? About six years. Six? Yeah, it doesn't show. I know, motherfuckers. It doesn't show.

My goodness, Aiden. Six years. And what do you do for work? How do you make a living? I know it's not from stand-up. Yeah, I'm not really working at the moment, but I'm an English language teacher. I teach a lot of Mexicans. Okay, you're a teacher of what?

English language teacher. I teach English. You teach English. Everybody repeat after me. I love Ireland. You teach English. Everybody repeat after me. I love Ireland. Yeah. So there's Mexicans here in Ireland? There's a lot of Mexicans.

I'm Brazilian, which was actually supposed to be my first joke. There's a lot of Mexicans in Ireland. Yeah. Really? What do you consider a lot? One? Probably about ten. Enough.

Wow. There you go. This is... Well, there you go. Okay. So why are you not teaching right now if you're a teacher? Because I'm just nursing some injuries at the moment. What injuries?

I had a shattered hip and leg for the last year. How'd you shatter your hip? I got punched by a scumbag in Dublin. You got punched in your hip? I got... They got serious punches here. You got your ass beat by a midgetag in Dublin. You got punched in your hip? They got serious punches here. You got your ass beat by a midget? I got a...

Who shatters their hip in a fight? I'll get you. It was the Notre Dame logo. How did that happen? Where and why did this fight happen? Just an O'Connell straight and some little scumbag. You tried to steal his pot of gold?

Yeah. Come on. Aiden, stick with me over here. How did the fight happen? Just some two scumbags just rolled up on me, and one of them just hit me from behind. They just sucker punched you out of nowhere. Yeah, sucker punched.

I fell badly, shattered my hip. Are you sure they didn't see your comedy set before that? They might have. They might have. They might have. Salvador? It was his two kids hitting him from each side. Dad, stop pursuing stand-up.

You need to raise us. You got to get hit pretty hard to shatter your hip. Just the way it cracked me from behind and whatever way I went up. And you fell like a bitch. Yeah. It was a serious hit, man. It would have killed an ordinary man, I swear to fuck. Wow.

So is there a comedy scene out here? Is there comedy clubs? Yeah, there's loads of comedy clubs this is a comedy club uh on a monday night and they do a lot of like shows and you come here you do it how often do you perform in your six years once twice a week something yeah i probably about twice a week two or three times i run a few shows up uh where i live and shit and what do you do for fun with like what what does a guy like you do for a hobby? Other than

trying to take care of two kids. There's not a whole lot of hobby time. But when I do, probably psychedelics. What kind of psychedelics do you do? I just get my hand in some mushrooms and try and get in touch with my inner 80.

What's that? I heard codeine's legal out here. They call it something else. I don't know about that. You get like sulfidine and stuff. Is the 14-year-old a girl or a boy? 14-year-old's a boy. And what's going on with him?

Any recent developments with him? Does he have pubes and shit? I haven't checked. You haven't? No, no. His voice is broken. He sounds a bit dorky and shit. He's good. He's a good kid. Does he bring any girls back to

your place yet? No, not yet. He seems shy enough. I think I'll be that alright, cool dad. I'll be the hip guy. I think I'll be that alright cool dad. I'll be the hip guy. You think so? Yeah. What do you think is the coolest thing about you?

If you had to convince us that you're a cool guy that's going to be a cool dad. There's no good answer to this, is there? What would be a thing about you that we would all think is cool? The coolest thing about you. I don't know. Watch.

Here's my thing. I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. Okay, your turn. Right. I love Ireland. Yeah, I love Ireland. That will do me. Ireland, falter Ireland.

Give me a fucking job. Here we go. Wow, I love it. Did you just ask for a job? I did, yeah, yeah. My goodness. What's the coolest thing about you? Damn, thought we'd pass that.

I don't know. What can I say? There must be something. Like there's something. You once saved a person's life that was drowning or something like that. I did save a guy one time. This was over in Canada. You were in Canada?

Yeah. I used to live in Canada, yeah. Oh, you did? Yeah. Then what happened? Then my parents divorced, man. Oh. Then I had to live in Canada, yeah. Oh, you did? Yeah. Then what happened? Then my parents divorced, man. Oh. Then I had to come back.

Wow, you are cool. Love that. The guy in Canada that you saved, what was going on there? What did you save him from? He was a janitor. He was a janitor. And me and my friend were rollerblading down this hill. Oh, wow.

It's like Graham Norton. Yeah. Yeah, cool. So he's rollerblading. You're rollerblading down the hill. You and your buddy, you're holding hands, rollerblading down a hill. Just like a couple normal dudes. Yeah.

And then you save the guy on rollerblades. Yes, Salvador? He gave the guy on rollerblades. Yes, Salvador? He gave the guy CPR through his dick. That's it, Chiste. That's it, Chiste. So you're rollerblading down a hill, and then what? And my friend went through the glass.

It was like glass doors at the bottom of the hill. He didn't brake fast enough, and he went through the glass, ripped like glass doors at the bottom of the hill he didn't break fast enough and he went through the glass ripped out a big like lump of his arm and uh then the janitor or the caretaker came over and was like oh does this guy have some fucking blood disease is he a hemophiliac is he a hemophiliac yeah because i i don't want to you know i'm a hemophiliac and if he has you know he started talking about some diseases. I was a 10-year-old kid. I didn't know. So I just blocked my friend's wound to stop this caretaker from passing out. What did you block it with? My hands.

You just put your hand there. It was a real fucking lifesaver moment. Your friend probably lost his arm from an infection. My friend actually... You put your dirty rollerblading hand right on an open wound. My friend ratted me out and said that we had made a pact that if one of us was to go through a window,

that the other one would jump in front, even though I'd got him an ambulance and saved him and took him out and shit. He was a real dickhead friend of mine. Wow. Wow. There you go. Cool story, bro.

No, that is definitely the coolest thing about you indeed, is that we finally found it out. Aiden, it was a pleasure. You got it started. It's the hardest thing about you, indeed, is that we finally found it out. Aiden, it was a pleasure. You got it started. It's the hardest spot on the whole show, dude. Aiden Shields, everybody. He's on Twitter at The Aiden Shields. A-I-D-A-N Shields.

That guy fucking loves Ireland so much. I thought we loved Ireland, but no. Now I'm realizing some people love Ireland more than us. Okay. This appears as though it is a name. Make some noise for Achim Kunitaki. Achim Kunitaki. Here we go.

Here he comes, right down the middle. Itake, a chim-punitake. Here we go. Here he comes, right down the middle. Hey, I'm from Germany. Any Germans in the house? No. Great. Well, I'm very German. My favorite month is July. Obviously. Well, I can make these jokes, you know.

I lost my grandfather in the Holocaust. He was a guard. And during his lunch break, he choked on a pretzel. Well, speaking of dying... Finish it, finish it. Well, everybody wants to die in their sleep, right? So, me too, and that's why I only drive around in my car when I'm really tired. There you go.

A Chim Kunitaki. Thank you. A Chim Kunitaki. A German man in Ireland, right? With a very Asian name. No, no, no, no, no, no.

A Chim Kunitake? No, no, that's just my Twitter handle. Oh, your name is a Chim? Achim. Achim. Yeah. With a C in it? Yeah. A silent C?

Well, ch, ch, ch. Reich, oh. That doesn't sound German at all. A heme. It is a German name. It's a German name. And do you live here in Ireland? No, no, no.

I just came for Kiltoni. Really? Yes. Wow, that is so fucking cool. Wow. That's fucking awesome. Thanks. I figured that the Germans would invade England before Ireland.

Well, I will be in Manchester tomorrow. Really? Yes, and London the day after. Wow. And I'm going to see one of your solo shows. Holy shit, you're my fucking hero. My God. You have good taste.

I'm glad that the big fan of mine was you and not Aiden Shields from earlier. I think this fool has the right idea, man. Yeah. Man, Ahim. So that is so fucking cool. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? First time. First time?

Wow. Thank you. Wow. Wow. Thank you. I don't know if you know this, but you did a lot better than the last guy, and he's been doing it six years.

That was really good, man, for your first time. Is there any comedy in Germany? Why do you keep asking this question? Everybody has Netflix around the world right now. It's surprising in Germany that there's comedy. Yes, one of the most powerful countries in the world. I wonder if they have stand-up comedy. It's not that popular in a lot of places.

What are you talking about? Yes, the Schindler's List theme song. That'll pull us out of it. So what do you think is the most German thing about you? I'm always on time. Ah, I like that. Very good. Do you have any Nazi relatives or anything?

I'm sorry that we just keep making those wacky World War II jokes, but it was sort of a big deal. Also, this full started it, eh? Yeah. I literally was watching my favorite thing on netflix that i've literally watched like 15 times from beginning to end is world war ii in color they went and colorized everything so we could really clearly see how big of piece of shits you guys were too uh It's pretty amazing. And I realize like Ireland didn't get touched at all because England's in between it

and plus there's nothing here that you guys would want to take over anyway. Yes, let's get Ireland for all their trees and moss. Yes, that's what we need. The industry of grass. We don't have enough hills and creeks. We need Ireland.

Also, if there's a bomb, they could take Clover. Take Clover? Take Clover? Oh, yes. Take Clover. Yes. Goldberg, yes.

Okay. Meh. All right. I love Ireland. So, Ahim, this is your first time doing stand-up. How old are you? 37. 37.

What do you do for work? Well, I'm a mailman and bike messenger and a tutor. A mailman and a bike messenger. So not only are you funnier than Aiden Shields, you also have three more jobs than him. Wow. A mailman, a bike messenger, and a what was the third one? Tutor.

And a tutor. Hell yeah. Maybe you could teach Aiden Shields how to do stand-up comedy. Let's go with Salvador. Yes. Do you have any children? Nope. Hey!

Hey! Yes. Do you have any children? Nope. Hey! Hey! And he knows how to pull out. We actually have Aiden Shields on the phone right now. Oh, he just killed himself. Wow, Ahim, this must be so fucking exciting for you.

You just fucking killed on Kill Tony. You're killing through the interview part. Tell us something else interesting about you. What else makes you a special German guy? You like shit porn? Yeah, that's a good question. Germans are into some kinky stuff. What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done with an animal?

Nothing. Nothing like that. Nothing like that. No. Come on, there must be something. You want to jerk off a tiger or something like that? No. No?

No? You ever been tied up? Nope. No? You ever been tied up? Nope. No? You ever tie someone up? You ever wear one of those leather masks that Germans like to wear while getting like shit on and pissed on? You ever been jacked it off by a chola?

Hey! If you had your first time on stage, you could have your first time getting jacked it off as well. Well, it... Did you say the word for it? Technically not my first time on stage, but doing stand-up. Oh, yeah? What have you done on stage before? I played piano on concerts and stuff, and played in a band.

Wow. What instrument do you play in a band? Piano? Yeah. Wow. Piano people are part of bands in Germany, huh? Wow. You tickle the ivories, huh?

Right. Do you tickle them with a feather sometimes in the bedroom? You kinky German fuck. Tell us the truth. He's like, really, nothing kinky about me at all. A dildo falls out of his ass. I don't know how that got up there. I'm just a normal German guy.

I'm pretty boring in this department i swear really no you i don't know if you saw the last comedian that's uh no wow so that's so fun uh what's it like being a mailman in germany you you wear like a goofy like hat with a feather coming out of it like hello I'm German. More mail coming every day. I'm not really good at accents. No, I wear a cap like this and listen to podcasts all the time. You listen to podcasts and fucking deliver mail. I like your style, dude. You have a Pittsburgh Steelers hat on.

That is an American football team. What's up with that? I like American football. Really? Yeah. Have you ever been to America? Sorry? Have you ever been to the US? Not yet. ever been to the U.S.? Not yet.

Well, guess what? We have an all-expense-paid trip. Yes, you're flying Ryanair all the way to... If you can survive a... If you can survive it... If you can survive 11 hours staring at the seat in front of you, which just has what to do if the plane goes down. I know.

I literally... That was the weirdest shit. I can't believe it. We did... Fun fact is we like to spend money on... We like to spend our money on food and drinks and shit, so we have no problem sort of swallowing our pride and flying for cheap.

But holy fucking shit. That was the worst. This flight, we flew directly into London and made the one-hour flight on Ryanair yesterday. We have a Ryanair back to Manchester tomorrow. And literally, holy fucking shit. We've complained a lot about Spirit Airlines. That's the American version of that.

But wow. Spirit is fucking Qantas compared to what you guys have going on. Literally, the flight attendants, they would never work in America. Because the flight attendants on Ryanair literally are the loudest assholes on the plane. They're ridiculous.

They kept waking me up in the back of this flight. This lady was just like, Woo! Behind the curtain, I'm like, what is going on? I kept trying to swipe and exit out of the emergency evacuation plans. I'm like, this can't be right.

She was like, I'm being fingered by a German postman back here. Yay! Are you flying to Manchester tomorrow, Ryanair? Right. What time's your flight? 10 a.m. I'm pretty sure we're all flying together, dude. I love it. It's so cool. What's cooler your flight? Oh, no. 10 a.m. I'm pretty sure we're all flying together, dude. I love it. It's so cool.

What's cooler than that? Congratulations. Ahim, ladies and gentlemen, it's first time ever. That was cool. Dostos Guten. Hey, does somebody want to buy me a pint of Guinness right now? Hey Jolina wants a Guinness Can we get a Guinness for Jolina Jeremy? Does anybody have horchata in the back for Salvador?

You guys having fun out there? You get how it works? Very good Very good And with that I pull another name out You guys having fun out there? You get how it works? Very good. Very good. And with that, I pull another name out. Let's see what happens. Oh, this should be interesting.

Make some noise for PM Spunk, everyone. Here he is. I'm a hyno, not a wino. I'm the proud Oliver Cox, so I don't need a gyno. Fuck the lino and referee. I've got no eyebrows, so I am defenseless against sweat, water and debris. Fee, na fiena fall. Fuck them muppets at the doll.

You make my dreams come true, said Hall. And oats. When it comes to poetry, I am totes. The best in the world at what I do. Who? The fuck is Alice? Stalling inside my mind, it is a motherfucking palace. And sure look, if you get lost, you can look and you will find me. Stalling inside my mind, it is a motherfucking palace.

And sure, look, if you get lost, you can look and you will find me. Time after time. If you fall, I will catch you. I will be waiting. Time after time. Time after time. Every day, every day I produce rhyme after rhyme. If being the best is a crime,

you can lock me up and throw away the key. Thank you. There you go. Wow. They loved it. First of all, let me start off by saying you are my favorite member of the band R.E.M. Salvador? This is my favorite bridge troll I've ever seen. I always wonder what the Blue Man Group look like without makeup.

Okay. Wow. For those of you listening to the podcast, this guy looks like a member of the Blue Man Group if he wasn't wearing makeup, clearly. Holy fucking shit. Why does this guy look super German unlike the other guy? That's true.

Oh, my goodness. This guy is scary. Well, PM Spunk, let me be the first... This is your first time doing stand-up since going through chemotherapy, correct? Yes.

First time doing stand-up? A year and a half. Salvador. When was the last time you defeated Superman? When was that? So, PM Spunk. So, you've been doing it a year and a half. Does everything you do rhyme?

Are you like a poet? Yeah, kind of, yeah. A poet comedian. Yeah. I love it. You're like Eminem if he was actual Eminem. Yeah. Your head is shaped like an Eminem.

So that's fucking awesome. How old are you, PM? 25. 24? 25. 35. Okay, very good. Man.

You have a really thick accent. Hell yeah. Very thick. Very, very good. You have a really thick accent. Very thick. Very, very, very thick accent. Tutti-tutti. Tutti-tutti. So, PM, holy shit. You're an interesting looking fella. Not a hair on your goddamn body.

I got one more question. Yes, Jolina. Do you feel vulnerable when you leave the house without your shell? No. I think I'm going to hell. You may think I look like a turtle, but I am underneath this wearing a girdle. I'm Turtle 5.

So, PM Spunk. Been doing it a year and a half. Everything rhymes. Tell us more about you. What do you do when you're not doing comedy? Spoken word. Spoken word. Hell yeah.

Can you do an American accent? Like, can you turn off your accent completely and try to act like one? Can you do, like, an impression of one of us? Like, totally. That actually helps. That actually helps. He just said a word that we say. It still sounded, yeah, Salvador. I think he should try to answer the next question

doing his best Tony Hinchcliffe impression. I think so, too. I agree with that. Okay, so you do your best Tony Hinchcliffe impression. I think so, too. I agree with that. Okay, so you do your best Tony Hinchcliffe impression and answer the question, what do you do for a living? That's you. What do you do for a living? Comedian slash spoken word.

That sounds just like me. Spoken word. No, it's good. No, it's good. No, it's good. Wait, wait, wait. He's got it. He's got it. Do it more.

Hold on. Wait. Hold on. Wait a second. Go. I'm number one. Okay. Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on. Don't help him, Brian. Okay. Yeah. Forget it. We got to move on now. So, PM, forget it We gotta move on now So, PM

I don't understand What exactly do you do for a living? Like, how do you make money? Yeah, spoken word and comedy People pay for that? Yeah You make a living off that? Well, I have a gig now

For St. Patrick's Day Festival Like, I'm getting a paid gig So, I'm doing that So, one day a year Yeah Oh, so I'm doing that. One day a year. Well, the comedy scene over here is a bit of shit, so you'll probably have to go abroad to England. I have no idea. He said something about he sells hair for a living or something like that. No, Velcro eyebrows I sell.

Velcro is what you sell, yes. Now I understand completely. So, you're 35 and you've been doing this a year and a half. What were you doing before spoken word in comedy? Ikea. What? Ikea. Ikea.

He has a kid. He said Ikea. Ikea. Ikea. He has a kid. He said Ikea. Ikea. Ikea. Oh, wow. Wow. Oh, my God. You said Ikea, but I couldn't put it together, what you said.

And that makes sense, sort of, because you're harder to understand than they're instructing you. That's the flatback for you. Wow. How long did you work the flatback for you. Wow. How long did you work at Ikea for? Too long. Too long. Very good. Ikea.

You have a girlfriend? Yes. How long have you been with her? Six months. Six months. Is she also hairless? Well, she has no curtains down below do you know

she has for a guy that does spoken word I cannot understand a fucking thing you're saying at all you said what she has what

she's no pubes she has no pubes hell yeah I think you I think you should do the rest of the interview what? She's no pubes. She has no pubes. Oh. Hell yeah. I think you should do the rest of the interview like you answer normally but then he asks you again

and be like very blunt like you are. She's got no pubes. Wait. That's interesting because you seem like the bald cunt in the relationship. Wow.

Well, PM, we're going to keep getting people up here flying through names. That was very different, and I love it when people are doing different things than being original. How about another hand for PM Spunk, everyone? Oh, yeah. There you go. Fuck yeah.

Thank you. Oh. Fuck yeah. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like watching people bomb? Ooh. Wow. You guys are some evil fucks.

Punching people in the butt. Okay, make some noise for Chris O.D. O-L-D. O-A-D. Chris O.D. Old. Chris Old. Chris Ode. Here he Ode Here he is.

How's it going, everyone? Before I get started, I just want to say a quick hello to Mr. Freddie Mercury and Mr. Harvey Weinstein. And Discounseling Dion. Oh, fuck. Where to go from here? So today's my birthday. Thank you very much. thank you very much. So recently my buddy started dating a girl from Japan. Anybody from Japan here? Didn't think so. In fact, she was from Fukushima.

Said he brought a whole new medium to the world of tentacle porn. Thinkers. Hey, Chris. OD? What is your last word? OD? Oh, okay. OD. So it must be Chris O'Donnell, right? No, I'm kidding.D.? Oh, okay. O.D.

So it must be Chris O'Donnell, right? No, I'm kidding. Close, but no scare. Okay, Chris. I wouldn't want to give my last name either if I performed like that. You called me Freddie Mercury, but you're the one that could have used

some aides up there tonight to help you. Son of a bitch. I mean, by your handwriting, I thought you didn't have any arms. I was like expecting somebody with a wheelchair to come up here or something. Yeah, your handwriting just got motherfucking roasted.

Bitch. You fucking dork. Is it really your birthday? Yes, it is. Wow, that's crazy. It's your birthday, and you're wearing the sweater your grandma got you for Christmas. That's so cool. Everything's a celebration on you, Chris.

How old are you today? 24. Wow, 24. Yes. I don't know. After that last guy, I thought I heard like 34 for a second, too. 24. 20. 20. Horror. Horror. I don't know after that last guy I thought I heard like 34 for a second too 24 24 horror

so what's up Chris first time ever on stage first time damn right it is very good it's a first time for everything it's also probably your last time on stage absolutely

is this true you're dating a girl from Japan no no no not true For everything. It's also probably your last time on stage, Chris. Absolutely. No, I'm kidding. Is this true? You're dating a girl from Japan? No, no, no, no. Not true? No, it's just... Just a joke. No, made it up at work today, so. Wait, what?

I made it up at work today. You made it up at work today? Yeah. That you dated a girl from Japan, and then what? How'd that end? She was from Fukushima, and it brought a whole new meaning to the world of tentacle porn. Oh, God.

Why? I know Red Band's a big fan, so... Wait, and you... Apologies. You made that up only today? That's crazy.

Yeah. So many layers. Your Fukushima joke bombed harder than the Fukushima bomb did. So you aren't dating anyone? No, I have a Mrs. You have a Mrs.?

Mrs. O'Donnell back at the home right now. The redhead taking care of the babies. He's taking care of little Charlie and Willie and Billy Bob. No, no, she's here. Oh, she's here. Yes. Oh, damn. Romantic. Not anymore, man. She ran out after your set, eh?

What a special Valentine's Day treat. So you guys went, now I'm getting why the sweater and the dress shirt underneath, you took her out for dinner before this? Yes, sir. Where'd you guys go for dinner? You guys go to Gallagher's Day treat. So you guys went. Now I'm getting why the sweater and the dress shirt underneath. You took her out for dinner before this. Yes, sir. Where'd you guys go for dinner? You guys go to Gallagher's Boxing.

Ate some stew. What'd you eat? Hard Rock Cafe. No, that's Mexican food. You had Mexican food. The blueberry? Yes, sir. Good one.

Do you think of that today? So let's talk about it. What did you eat? I got a 24-ounce sirloin steak. Wow, look at you. Is that what you call her pussy? What do you do for work, Chris? I work for a multinational telecom company.

Talent? Telecoms Telecom What is that? So that's what exactly? Like T-Mobile Oh okay How long have you been doing that for?

A year Is that fun? What do you do? You sit in a cubicle? Pretty much yeah Yeah What do you have? Do you have anything cool in your cubicle

Other than pictures of your wife? Do you have anything cool in your cubicle other than pictures of your wife you have anything cool like an action figure or like a toilet paper roll or something like that vision board yeah oh yeah what do you have

on your vision board right here right here it happened absolutely tell us something tell us something interesting about you Chris

wow I guess it's time to die now. I did everything on my bucket list. Kill Tony. Kill Tony. Tell us, you have any special hobbies? You ever go rollerblading with a friend or anything like that? I have won four Iron Stomach competitions. Iron what?

Iron Stomach. Iron Stomach competition. Now, I have no fucking idea what that is, so you can explain what that means exactly, Chris. Eating a whole load of shit that probably shouldn't be eaten. Wow. Is that true? Like hot dog guy.

Really? Oh, so you're German. So, man, I wish I would have known that. Does anybody have a bunch of stuff? Will you eat a bunch of shit in front of us right now? What? What was up in the green room? Did they have food up there?

Not really, huh? What are some of the stuff that you ate? Alternatively, I can down a point to Guinness in about three seconds. Is that true? That's absolutely true. There you go. There you ate. Alternatively, I can down a point to Guinness in about three seconds. Is that true? That's absolutely true. There you go. There you go.

Let's see it. That's the fucking answer to the question. All right, sure. Here we go. Two, one. Wow. Wow. 3.5.

My goodness. Salvador. Yeah. This just got interesting. How many of those Guinnesses do you think you could throw down that fast? Keep them coming for free and I'll do it again. Wow. You ever throw up?

Sometimes. You ever pee in a hallway of a hotel? Yeah, it happens all the time. My goodness. So, wow. What's the craziest amount of anything that you've ever eaten or consumed? Well, there was about 10 rounds, and the prize was a free skiing holiday.

Skiing holiday. Yeah, worth about a grand. 10 rounds of what? Pints of Guinness? No, there was no drinking because, you know. I don't know. I have no idea what an iron. Campus laws and all that kind of stuff.

The closest thing to an iron stomach that I have is you could iron clothes on my stomach. Washboard abs, you pieces of shit. So, like, what did you consume? I'm still... I've never seen one of these competitions. I'm from America where we win, like, Olympic gold medals and shit. Cat food sandwich. Cat food sandwich.

Cat food sandwich. Yummy. sandwich. Cat food sandwich. Yummy. Do you have to pay to be in this competition? Oh, no. You do it for free, and the person that comes in second place gets nothing. Nothing. Wow.

Cat food sandwich is called Gato Surprise, where I come from. My goodness. I should have known this, because you came up here, and you ate shit during your 60 seconds on stage. Is there anything grosser than that? Yeah, your wife's pussy.

That's rude. Happy Valentine's. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for bringing your special lady to the show. Does your wife have a gross pussy? Come on. No, the best. Really?

Not the best? No, the best. The best. The best. That's what he said, Austin. Well, guess what, everyone? We have his wife's pussy right behind this curtain. Hey.

Wow. I love it when Brian gets uncomfortable, but he literally drew a pussy on my set list tonight. He's like, oh, come on, Tony, and I'm looking at it. All right, back to you. Wow. Well, Chris, I'll tell you what, man. You know, I'll tell you what, man.

I have more respect for anyone that has the balls to sign up and the balls to want to do this. It takes a fucking lot to come in front of these monsters. You're surrounded by fucking monsters that wanted to watch you fail and you came up here and you got some reactions. So come on.

It's his first time. Make some noise for Chris. Thank you, sir. Very good. Hell yeah. Alright. Wait a second. How the fuck is that possible? This person already went up.

Aiden Shields signed up twice. What a liar. What a fucking liar. That was the... You owe me a pint. Time after time. How did you have that ready like that? Because he signs up time after time.

What the fuck? Come on. Let's see how loud this place can boo Aiden Shields right now for signing up twice. We don't sign up twice. Fuck with the bucket. Okay. Make some noise

for Richie Sheehy. Richie Sheehy. Here comes Richie Sheehy. Richie Sheehy. Here comes Richie. Oh, fuck yeah. Come on, make some noise for Richie. All right, so my name is Richie Sheehy. I come from a long line of transgenders. I used to know Michael Jackson. My name is Richie Sheehy. I come from a long line of transgenders.

I used to know Michael Jackson. He used to call me, Rinjot Sheehy. But anyway, I met Cher in LA actually, and she inspired this song. Is it high grade? I wanna know. How can I tell if I got good blow? Does it smell like fuel? Oh no, you'd be deceived if he charges more. Oh no, don't be naive if you wanna know if you got good blow, it's in the snare. If there's a bitter taste you couldn't ascertain, if it numbs your face, that could

be Novocaine. If you wanna know if you got good blow, it's in the snare. That's where it is. Oh yeah. Oh, crush it That's where it is Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh Crush it And make fat lines

To find out what you wanna know If it's coke If it really is You'll be off your tits What if it's in a rock Oh no, that's not the way. And you're not listening to all I

say. If you wanna know, if you got to blow, it's in the sniff. Whoa, whoa, if you wanna know, if you got to blow, it's in the sniff. Fuck yeah.

Wow. Hell yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. Very, very, very rarely do musical acts work well on this show, but you got a fucking set of pipes on you, Mr. Sheehy. Thanks very much. Goddamn. And I want you to know that you have B.O. also.

Like here. Wow. There you go. He smells. Man, you're rhyming as good as P.M. Spunk up here. You could do Irish spoken word for a living at the rate that you're rhyming, sir. Richie Sheehy. Yeah.

You fucking did it. How's it going, man? It's fucking pretty good right now yeah so you obviously do musical comedy I do yeah wait a second how the fuck is

Aiden Shields name on your guitar this is the funniest Ari Shafir is I was gonna say Ari Shafir is here and Aiden Shields I actually

but how has Aiden Shields signed your guitar I have two pieces of paper with Aiden Shields name on it can I Tony wake up I have two pieces of paper with Aiden Shields' name on it. Tony, wake up. We've been in a car accident.

Tony, wake up. This is the worst. To be fair to Aiden. I can't avoid this guy no matter what I do. It's the one thing that I see. It's right there. There's Ari's little star. I understand that Ari signed your fucking guitar. I'm not asking about Ari. I know.

Ari loves signing things because once he signs it, it decreases its value so he could buy it from you. Now that I signed it, you should sell it to me for five bucks so I can resell it for 20. These bagels free.

So Aiden... Is that a Yamaha or a Yamaka? Let me sign that up. Hell yeah. From a six string to a two string. I actually signed... I signed Aiden up. I signed Aiden and me up and then Aiden came in late

and signed us up again so it's his fault that he put us in twice. It's his's what happened. So it's your fault. Very good. It's his fault. No, he knew we were signed up. I got you, Richie. I got you. We all like you.

So that's one of your hit songs. Yeah, it's one that I could do in a minute. Do you know what I mean? Right. Of course. Yeah. So you always set it up. Cher.

You met Cher. Is that her song? Yeah. Well, she covered it from like the 60s. It's usually a bit of a longer set up, but yeah, it's just something like that. How long have you been doing musical comedy for?

About three, three and a half years. Three, three and a half years. That's fucking cool. Is cocaine hard to get out here? If you talk to the right people, then... Do you do coke? Yeah. Wow. Bunch of goddamn animals in this room here.

Keep it away from Jeremiah. Just a pro tip right there. There you go. Salvador like to party. I actually gave Ari acid in Edinburgh and then he went fucking off AWOL in Asia for a couple of months. You gave Ari

acid and then he went to Asia for a couple months? Yeah. You think he went to Asia because of the acid you gave him? He said it, yeah. He said he did acid at the end of Edinburgh in a podcast and it just changed his perspective you should probably say allegedly for wow

so Richie you ever have anything crazy happen to you after doing drugs or anything like that you ever somebody fly through the store window that you were working at after rollerblading you ever made friends with Aiden Shield yeah craziest drug story fuck you know fly through the store window that you were working at after rollerblading through the glass? You ever made friends with Aiden Shield?

Yeah. Craziest drug story? Fuck, you know. I definitely have, like... This sounds just so promoting, but I had a fucking... I woke up after MD on an MD buzz, and just a random video I didn't expect anything to happen to. It went, like, stupidly viral. So I went up, and it was still buzzing on fucking...

on MD, and I was just like, what the fuck? And my phone was just going Salah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you say Ambien? What? MD, Mali? Salah, it's a Liverpool if I was Cork's biggest Liverpool fan, if there's any Liverpool fans in the crowd. I have no idea what he's saying.

I made like a viral video as a different. The audience, as soon as he said that, they're recognizing him. Yes, what is it? Molly, Molly, ecstasy. Molly, very good, very good. Yeah, we call it Molly. All right.

Which seems like that's what Irish people would call it, but for some reason you have a different word about it. We call it Molly Malone's. They call it blogging Molly. Richie, when you're not doing drugs or performing, what else do you do? What does your life consist of? Every Tuesday, I go into the post office. Every Tuesday, you go to the post office?

That's social welfare. It's a what? Social welfare. Social welfare? Yeah. They give you welfare? Yeah Oh, they give you money? Yeah I didn't know you could use food stamps for cocaine

Social welfare I know, I do comedy pretty much full time How long have you been on social welfare for? About six months About six months What were you doing for money before that? I used to live in Amsterdam You used to live in Amsterdam you used to live in Amsterdam

were you on social welfare there too no I wasn't I was working as a tour guide a tour guide yeah of Amsterdam a tour guide

of the red light district yeah I was yeah I actually once had to give a tour to a I was just told

it was a private tour and you always think a private tour is a school if you say Aiden Shields I'm gonna kill myself and I I it was it was a private tour and you always think a private tour is a school If you say Aiden Shields I'm going to kill myself It was a tour anyway and it's like I turn up and it's like 10 year old kids and I'm supposed to bring them through

the red light district and stuff At one point Yes continue with the story that you were telling, that Jolina just, for some reason, interrupted, for no reason at all. I wasn't prepared. Their teacher was there, and I was like, am I supposed to do the red light?

And she's like, yeah, yeah, do it. And I'm just like, okay. And then I'm walking these kids down and fucking chew this narrow little alleyway with windows on either side. True. You said the word true there. Did I? Yeah. True, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very with windows on either side. True. You said the word true there. Did I?

Yeah. True. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very good. Speak fucking American. Yeah. Okay, so you're walking the kids through. Down this little alleyway

and there's like windows on either side with girls and there's this, you know, like one little legend kid is like, hey ladies, knocking on the windows. And then I have to try like, tell them about the red light district

but try to live edit my actual tour because I now realize they're 10 year old kids so that was the strangest one so how many of the 10 year olds did you fuck let's get to the good part of this story not enough did you did you sing them a song while you were walking through

going how much is that pussy in the window? Fuck yeah. Well, Richie, I mean, you had a great fucking set. I don't know. Maybe if you want, you can stand on the other side of Jeremiah and Joel and back them up on guitar

maybe? Yeah? I mean, maybe. Sure, yeah. Why don't you take a chair, sit it over there. You strum along if you want. You want a Guinness or something? Can we have a Guinness for Richie? You want a drink? Sure.

Get a Guinness for Richie. He'll sit up here. Is that okay with you, band leader Jeremiah? Let him play guitar a little bit? I don't know. Seems like a special thing. He had a good set. Joined the band.

Chroma Chris is going to be pissed. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Hey, we finally got a lady up here. Put your fucking hands together for Ashley Forbes. Here we go. Ashley Forbes. I'm fucking sorry.

I forgot. That's some Irish shit right there. One more time for Ashley Forbes, everyone. I'm not a lady. First of all, I get that out there. So I went to Carrick Mines there recently. I went down to PC World. I was going through.

I don't want to be racist, but... Do you know what I mean? There's a lot of Indians work there, and it's called Curry's. What the fuck's going on? Do you know what I mean? What the fuck's going on there? So I've never done stand up comedy, I've never been on stage I've fucking absolutely

shitting myself like fuck that I once like fucking went on an adventure it was good fun like you know what I mean the adventures are fun like You know what I mean The adventures are fun like

But Nothing like being up here Fuck that shit Fucking hell This is amazing I literally I literally have no fucking idea what you just said at all. I think I'm starting to...

Oh, you don't fucking know either. Some of your Irish accents are so much thicker than others. Yeah, it's weird. My favorite part, though, is when the audience is just cracking up. I'm like, what did I miss? I know. It sounds like a good fucking joke. Something about Indian guy and curry.

What was that again? We have a shop over here. We have a shop over here. It's PC World. But it's owned by curries. Curries. But there's a lot of Indian guys that work there. Oh, that shit's just racist.

That's cool. I opened up the joke where I'm not racist, but... Is racism pretty strong out here? Somebody put that cross out. Ireland's racist as fuck. I think the racism's stronger than your ponytail man

damn my goodness Ashley I'm sorry for bringing you up like a female Salvador I don't mean to be crass but this is the

ugliest female I've ever seen I don't think that's true man Ashley I don't think that's true, man. Ashley, for those of you listening to the podcast, looks like the Geico caveman crossed with the Geico caveman. So you look like the fucking Geico caveman. What's a Geico caveman? Oh, you don't know what that is?

No. You guys don't have car insurance out here. That's good. Ashley, I'm looking at all the extra length on your belt hanging from your pants. Did you just lose 220 pounds? Wow, look at this. You guys should touch tips. They're touching tips.

Whoa, look at that. There's a third one here. My God. tips. Whoa! Look at that! There's a third one here. My God. These people look like they just got back from a fucking weight loss convention or something. Hey, look at all these extra belt homes.

My God. It doubles as pinata rope for later. Ashley, how long have you been doing stand-up? Never done it before in me life. In me life! First time! Oh, man.

To be honest, I was fucking shitting meself. You were shitting meself. Very good. Big time. Big time. Indeed. There was a long pause there, probably because I brought you up like a female, right? I forgot. I forgot. Ashley.

To be honest, I knew that I was coming. Yeah. No. I mean, probably. If there's someone named Stephanie, I'm probably going to do the same thing. But here, Ashley is a popular men's name, right? My mom is English, And it's a... Ew!

In England, it's a... How many of you think this guy's mom's a cunt? I agree. I agree. You agree with that? I agree with that. Does your mom have the same facial hair that you do? No.

Do you and her get along? Oh, yeah. She's cool. Yeah. So what were you saying? Your mom's British? Oh, that's an English thing. Yeah, Irish people don't get along with English people.

Right, right. No, I know. No, I get it. I get it. It's like how we're with Mexicans. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like Irish people with Americans. Right. Irish people and Americans.

Okay. I guess I sort of get... I'm taking this. No, I got you, Ashley. So this is your first time doing stand-up. How old are you? I'm 24. 25. And what do you do for work? How do you survive?

In between jobs at the minute. Oh, you're going to... I know you. Me too, man. I know you. You're going to the post office on Tuesdays. Collect that though. What jobs are you in between right now?

Warehouse job. I was in forehand. What? I was in... Shut the fuck up! I know who you are. Shut the fuck up. I know who you are. I got you.

It's him. You're taking the blame for that? All right, here's the deal. Next time you yell out, anybody behind you is allowed to pour their drink on your fucking head. Yeah. Hey, Tony. I don't think anybody in Ireland is ready to give up their drink, dude. Yeah. Hey, Tony. I don't think anybody in Ireland is ready to give up their drink, dude.

Yeah. And plus, he'll just lean back and do it. I'll fucking drink it. So what was the last job that you had? I was looking for industrial cleaners. Oh, yeah. You're a fucking super janitor. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn, white people are taking all of our jobs out here, right? You have a girlfriend? It's Valentine's Day. Your face is covered in pubes. Yeah, yeah. Single at the moment. Single at the moment. It usually happens when a guy's

in between jobs. For some reason, women aren't just spreading it quick. Lick that pussy and tickle that asshole. Lick that pussy and tickle that asshole. Wow, that guy's doing the Nazi insignia right there. That's always fun to have in a show. So what do you do for fun? You're in between jobs,

first time doing stand-up. How do you pass the time? What's a guy like? YouTube, comics, like fucking Xbox. YouTube, Xbox. Yeah, just... What do you do on Xbox? Just play games.

What else? Wait, did you say YouTube comments? No. Oh, I thought you were a literal troll. I just wanted to ruin that on you, Joe Burke.

Oh, okay. Shut up. All right, back to you, Tommy. So, what else? Do you play any instruments or anything like that? No, I don't know. No?

You into sports? No. No? You into sports? No. No? You laughed at that. Because I just never like... No fucking way. But you ride a bicycle. I ride or drink beers and fucking...

Yeah, I ride a bicycle, yeah. I could tell. I could tell. I can always tell a guy with a bicycle head. You know what I mean? Like, it's like you're aerodynamically built to ride a bicycle. It's like, it's like the universe knew

you would be poor. It's like, give this guy a head for a bicycle. There you go. That's what it sounds like. All right, Ashley. Well, I mean,

any other fun facts about you? Any, like, you have, like, eight toes? You ever, you ever fucking skydive? I've been to New Zealand. Yeah, you've been to New Zealand.

What did you do there? I went to a volcano and shit. You went to a volcano. You threw a ring into it. Go, Kurt. You threw a... All right. All right. Yes. You threw it. Boom, boom, boom. Joe Burr. All right.

All right. Yes, it is true. He looks like a hobbit went to Vietnam instead of Mordor. So you went to New Zealand, went to a volcano. Why New Zealand of all places? I have cousins over there, but like... Yeah, Ryanair had a good deal. Big time. We'll fly you straight into a

fucking volcano. We don't have anything to do with this flight whatsoever. Very good, Ashley. Very good. Well, I have to do it. You're great, man. You fucking, uh, we had fun with you up here. We're gonna keep flying through this great, man. You fucking, we had fun with you up here.

We're going to keep flying through this bucket, dude. Ashley Forbes, everyone. There he goes. Dancing in the dark. Right? Is that right? Yeah. This is bizarre.

Dancing in the dark. Is that Ed Sheeran? Wow. Can you put your hands together for the band? I know what this crowd wants. This is an interesting one because it appears as though it has been scratched out after being written down. So let's just see what happens. Andy Mack, is that person going to come to this stage if I say their name? Andy Mack.

Seems scratched out. Somehow a scratched out name ended up in this bucket So let me just remind you The least sign ups we've ever had for the show Two of them were Aiden Shields And one was a scratched out name Wow This is very revealing Very revealing

Ireland with a tough exterior But a soft on the inside It's like Conor McGregor All those tattoos of tigers, and then he gets choked out like a... Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You didn't

show up, and I'm friends with Nate Diaz. What do you want me to do? Oh, my God. Not again. Richie, you signed up twice too You son of a bitch Get out of here This is unbelievable

So you signed Aiden up And Aiden signed you up You guys are all fucking retarded So let's go back, let's do another count now What does that make it Well we're gonna find out here in the end Because I'm swirling around four names right now at the tip of my fingertips.

This is called fucking Hollywood acting right here. Oh, all the names. Bunch of shy guys out here. Make some noise for Jim Sheep. Shop. Shoop. Anything like that?

Jim? Jim? Here he comes. Here he comes. Make way for Jim. Come on, guys, all at once, make some noise for Jim. Yeah, so I recently moved back in with my parents, which, as I'm sure you can all imagine, has been a fucking dream come true for everyone involved.

But my parents, see, they're good people. Like, they know I'm time poor, so if I ever get anything in the mail, it comes pre-opened, pre-read, and summarized. Yeah, I got my dad there as well. He's really good at giving advice. You see, I came to him when I was getting into stand-up comedy. He said, Dad, I'm a bit nervous.

He said, Jim, you got nothing to be nervous about. And here's why. You see, great comedy is born from great tragedy. And you are by far the most tragic cunt I know. And it was at that point, ladies and gentlemen, that my mother chimed in and she said, Jim, your life's not tragic, but your fucking hairline. Top of your head looks like Stevie Wonder's

best attempt at frying eggs. It's a fucking mess up there. Going to a barber's a bit of an experience for me. You gotta walk in and people look at you, order a short back and sides and Jesus Christ will be careful on the top. Thank you very much. Hell yeah.

Fuck yeah. Jim, what's your last name? Sheep. That's my Twitter handle but it's really Sheerer. Jim Sheep. Hell yeah. Not bad. Not bad. Oh! So stupid.

Yes, Salvador. Can I just say that was the tightest set I've seen all night and the tightest pants I've seen all night. Definitely the tightest pants. I love it. There's a thing you do on your punchlines.

You know this? Where you crouch down very Dane Cook-ish and you get into it. You know that? Why did the chicken cross the road to get to the other side? Yes, thank you, Red Band, for doubling up on that with me.

I really needed your backup on that physical laugh out. Thank you. Is there a for doubling up on that with me. Really needed your backup on that physical blackout. Thank you. Is there a reason why you do that? Do you like Dane Cook that much? It's a bit of nervous energy, maybe. I like to get a bit intense, get a bit into it. No, I've been doing this maybe less than a year. Oh, cool. Very cool.

What made you want to start stand-up comedy? Me buddy was just like, you should probably give it a year. Oh, cool. Very cool. What made you want to start stand-up comedy? My buddy. He was just like, you should probably give it a go. And then I did it. And that was pretty much it. Say that again? My friend. A friend of mine.

A friend. Yeah. A friend. I talked you into it. Yeah. I'm sorry. I can barely hear you over the dumb bitch in the front row. I know. That's the nicest thing I'll say to you all night

So you might want to fucking get in shape And start paying attention Because if you think that hurt your feelings Tony can I put the Dunn's hat on her? Yes Yes Oh yeah Yeah feelings. Tony, can I put the Dunn's hat on her? Yes, yes. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. There you go, lady. Now, if you behave yourself for a few minutes, we'll take it off of you. But I don't need to hear any of your chimey shit. I had a feeling this would happen when we found out the show was on Valentine's Day. I'm like, oh, man, there's going to be some fucking...

There's going to be some fucking... There's going to be some of the fans' girlfriends at the show. Come on, I want to go with you. I like comedy, too. Come on, I know how to behave myself. We could have drinks beforehand I'll be fine Hell yeah, dude That Duns hat fucking works

She silenced up real quick I like it Hell yeah Fuck yeah Good job, babe Hold it for a few more minutes We'll take it off you Tonight is not the only VD

she's celebrating. Hell yeah. I might have to take the hat off her. She's so sad now. Poor thing. She's doing just fine. she's doing just fine. She's doing just fine. She's getting her vitamin attention right now.

So she's silenced up. So Jim Sheep. Hell yeah. Wow, this lady hates this chick in front of her. Wow, fuck yeah. She's giving a standing ovation. All right. chick in front of her. Wow. Fuck yeah. She's giving a standing ovation. Alright. Very good, you little fucking firecracker you. Sit down.

Sit down before we put the fucking dunce hat on you. Tonight after the show, Ireland mud wrestling. This is my favorite thing. She really does look so sad. And the hat looks sad too, by the way. It's getting limp.

The hat's now frowning like, why do I have to be on this dumb bitch? You need to go to 4hims.com. Talk to a doctor. Get that thing hard in no time. Go to mehims.com. Here at Kill Tony, we make comedians and audience members better.

It looks like the sorting hat did not put her in any house. Heck yeah. All right, back to you, Jim Sheeps. You've been doing this for about a year. How do you make money? Work in advertising. Yeah? What do you make money uh work in advertising yeah what do you what do you advertise for uh

bits and pieces cars milk generally milk do you need to advertise milk i mean like that's just like a thing you know like you either need it or you don't you don't ah milk from a cow's udder that's our next big promotion like Do you write the ads ever? No, no. I'm the liaison between the people who want to make the ads and the people who make them. I'm not really in any way talented when it comes to work. Wow, you just got booed. I think you mean moo.

I guess they're mooing you. You should moo this man. So Jim, tell us something else. What makes you different than all the other comedians that have ever been on Kill Tony? Is there any fun facts about you? I used to play the drums. Oh. What?

All right. What? Alright. Well, I mean, it's one of those things. Hey! Alright. For those of you that don't know, maybe this is your first time seeing this show live, but a little fun fact about this show is anytime someone comes on, do you know about this?

I don't know. I've walked into something here. Better yet, my friend. Well, Jim, what would you say if I told you that there is a chance, there is a chance that you will no longer be working in advertising, but there is a chance that after tonight there is a chance

that you will be flying back to Los Angeles with us. You'll have to go to Manchester, you'll have to go to London, England, and all the way to LA because you are about to have a drum solo off. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit.

Listen to me. Listen to me, Jim. And if you win, and it's all about performance, alright? It's all about you know, fucking coming out and making the crowd go absolutely crazy. So, if you win, you're the new drummer of the Kill Tony band.

Okay, okay, okay. Alright, alright. Okay, okay, okay. All right, all right, except. It can happen so quickly. Chroma Chris got replaced tonight. But listen, Jim, I must warn you. I must warn you that, you know, showmanship and the comedic part and everything has a lot to do with this. And I must also warn you, Joel Berg is undefeated all time.

This is a Mexican drama. Mexican? Yes. Mexican drama. Okay, shit. Ladies and gentlemen, representing Ireland. Hey!

He's sort of got the right idea is there anything else you want to take off before doing the alright here he goes doing a drum solo ladies and gentlemen for the first ever time in Ireland I give you an Irish Mexican drummer

ladies and gentlemen Jim Sheep! All right! And now I give you Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. Joel Jimenez. Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise defending his throne. It's Joel Berg. Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise. Defending his throne, it's Joubert! Thank you. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Chulberg to Jimenez. Wow. Wow. That's why Ludwig chose him. I've never seen a woman put a sock around her clit before. That was unbelievable. I just saw Joel Berg's asshole, for those of you wondering,

when he put his foot behind his head. A little tortilla came out of there. I think he might want to build a wall around that asshole, for those of you wondering. When he put his foot behind his head. A little tortilla come out of there. I think he might want to build a wall around that asshole, Joel. I think I speak for everyone's eyes in here by saying, bitch, you need a wax. My goodness. Jim Sheep, step back up to that microphone.

Some of my pubes are Earl Grey. How many of you had Jim Sheep winning that drama? How many of you had Joel Berg winning it? Well, Jim, looks like you're going to work in advertising for the rest of your life.

Looks like it, yeah. You were really good. You were great, man, and congratulations on getting picked on this show. Fun times. Jim Sheep, everyone. Thank you. How about we give a hand to the young lady in the front row who is well behaved. She's having fun again.

Everybody loves you. Now, there's no you being happy after that. You've made up your mind. Now you're going to be unhappy for the rest of the night. Are you ticklish? You are? I don't know. Is that true?

Guy next door, is she ticklish? Give her a little tickle right here. Give her a little poke. Let's see if she's ticklish. Give her a little tickle right here. Give her a little poke. Let's see if she's ticklish. Give her a little tickle. What is this, a first date? You're afraid to touch her? Alright. All the more reason to poke her, my friend. Alright.

Make some noise. How you doing? I just heard, wow. I think everybody heard that exhale from Joel a second ago Jolina you look like you just got fucked by everybody in the room Nice areolas by the way girl That was before the show but also

I mean what a trip to be doing this in Ireland Sorry I had a weird moment now Let's keep going This is Joel's Ireland. Sorry, I had a weird moment now. Let's keep going. This is Joel's first ever time in a country other than America. How fucking cool is that? He's here tonight. Alright, let's

keep this fun loo moving along. Make some noise for Scott Stevenson, everyone. Scott Stevenson. And back again. Your heart is true. You're a pal and a confidant. G'day.

How are we? We good? So, uh, parrots are cunts. Think about it, growing up, how many times did they lie to you? To fairy, Santa Claus, religion. But I'll go one better.

My dad lied to us about being faithful to my mum. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, my father had the affair. You know, I was angry, I was disappointed, I was bitter. Slightly impressed. Think about it, lads. Time management. How many times is your woman going on to you about it?

Here's him, can't find his own fucking underwear. But he's able to keep two different lives going? Fuck. Anyway. Then I felt felt whatever emotions. Fuck, I feel like a bit of a bitch. Because all growing up, you know, this happened. And I was like, oh, dad,

I don't know if he'll ever find a girl for me. He's like, son, you pussy. I've got two women on the go. After I found out, I watched 12 Years a Slave with my dad. He's probably thinking, fuck, I have so much in common with this man. Living in a prison.

I fantasize about escaping. Good job. Scott Stevenson. Great set, man. Hell yeah. Thank you. You've been doing stand-up a couple few years? The first time.

First time. Wow. There you go. Oh, can I say something? Yes, you can say something. The reason I'm here, and I've already seen him out there, is Aaron McCann. Yeah. He was on a podcast called The General Banter Podcast with Colin Geddes.

And Colin Geddes was going on about, oh, Aaron McCann was on Kill Tony. I thought, fuck, I'll give this a look. Yeah. Next thing, I just started watching his highlights and I was like,

fuck it, this is pretty good. I'll keep watching. Next thing, I'm here. He's talking about Aaron McCann, the most famous Irish comedian that we've had on Kill Tony. He's a Kill Tony legend. So, Scott, that's your fucking first time.

That is so cool. Yeah, yeah, genuinely, yeah. So Aaron's sort of like a mentor to you, someone that you love. No, no, literally. He had never met me before tonight. Wow. So you look up to him,

were you a little bit starstruck when you met him? He was bigger than I thought he was, like literally height. Yeah. Like literally height. Yeah. Like literally height. Yeah. In fairness, I said to my brother over there, I was like, fuck, Aaron's pretty tall. Yeah, for sure.

So Scott, this is your first time doing stand-up comedy. What have you been doing your whole life up until this point? To be honest, up until this point, I've just been fucking around. You've just been fucking around. What does that mean, fucking around? Give us an example. I don't know if you have the same thing, but you know everyone, like your parents, expect certain things from you up until a point?

I've let them down on every point. Really? Whenever I found out about the affair, I was like, right, I'm the oldest son. I became the man of the house, but then I left to New Zealand. You went to New Zealand too? Yeah, yeah. Did you go to a volcano? No. Well, yeah. I saw the mountains of Mordor.

Yeah? Wow. You look like Wayne Rooney with an eating problem, man. Who? Wayne Rooney? Oh, good football reference. Wayne Rooney, man. Manchester United, Everton. Wow. I have no idea.

Mexicans like football, dog. The reason I'm so fat is every time I fucked your wife, she gave me a cookie. Wow. I'm so glad I can't understand anything you just said, eh? He said he fucked your wife and then you don't have Joel. Was that after you got off the wall, Humpty Dumpty? All right. For those of you listening to the podcast,

Scott Stevenson does look like a gigantic three-year-old boy. I mean, look at you, you big baby. You sleep in a big crib? No, just a regular bed. You have a big pacifier that you use. You sometimes just sit around in a big diaper and pout around. Oh, we lost the fuck of the dunce cap, girl. Decided on being mad.

They left. So funny. Oh, my God. I feel so bad for that fucking guy. Imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine you have... I felt bad for him.

Imagine you have that kind of girlfriend that's like loud to the point to where it interrupts me to the point to where I have to call it out and then she gets so mad that she has to leave and ruin his night. Now he has to deal with that for the rest of the night, and he's probably not going to get any pussy.

She seems like the kind of chick, though, that'll, like, wake him up in the middle of the night and be like, fuck me, put it in me. Just put it in. Put it in. Just put it in. She just lays there. Come on, shove it in.

Come on, shove it in me. Because she wants to fuck, but, like, she can't, like, enjoy it in. Come on, shove it in me. Because she wants to fuck, but she can't enjoy it. Yes, Jeremiah. Yes, I would love it if she just had to go to the restroom and she's on her way back. And she walks back in, she's like, oh, my God. Oh, no. That poor girl. You almost got me to do a genuine spit take there for a second.

That is so fucking funny. If they came back in. I finally won her back over. She's just like. Wow. Do you ever have to do anything so that people don't think you're a baby? Like you ever do things like, you know. Yeah, when did you take your first steps?

Just to be clear, it's a genetic thing. If you look over here, Tony. See this boy? Stand up, Jimmy. You see the boy with the hand? Yeah. He's 22. He's 22?

Yeah. So wait, so you're saying that he looks young too? Yeah, yeah, just runs in the family. Is that your brother? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get him up here real quick. Let's bring him up here. Scott Stevenson's brother.

What's his name? Jimmy. Jimmy. Jimmy. J-A-M-I-E. Oh, Jamie. Jamie Stevenson. Wow, look at this fucking gigantic.

Look at you guys. Oh, it's young Jamie. Oh my God. I don't know, Jamie. Jamie Stevenson. Wow, look at this fucking gigantic. Look at you guys. Oh, it's young Jamie. I don't know, dude. How old are you? 27. For some reason, you look more like a baby than the 22-year-old does. I have bad news for you, Scott. You got fucking toddler hair, bro. Look at this fucking

little kid. What are you doing, jerking off? Get your hand out of your pocket. They look like they were both born on a rugby field. Shit, the reason I went to New Zealand was for rugby. Really? Yeah, yeah. Wow, why were you going there for rugby? I'm in that grey area where I'm slightly better than an amateur,

but not as good as professional. You play rugby? Yeah, yeah. You're shaped like the ball. Yeah. Means I've got no corners to fall on. That's fucking incredible. Wow. Do you play rugby too? Not anymore.

Not anymore. No. Your younger brother also has a deeper voice than you, Scott. Not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore. He's been putting on since 16. When everyone was meant to hit puberty, he was like, oh shit. Let's see which one of you has the bigger cock right now. How many of you want to see that?

No, Jolena, sit down. All sock, no cock. What's the... If you want to go backstage, Tiffany had a chance to go out to dinner the other night. Oh, fuck off. Shit.

So, Jamie, let me ask you a question. You just watched your brother do stand-up comedy. Do you feel proud of him? Yeah, I thought it was good. Is stand-up comedy something you've ever thought about doing? What do you want to be when you grow up? When you're your brother's bloated size?

No. No, when I'm older, I'm just going to do IT and stuff like that. IT? Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what you're looking forward to? Yeah, yeah. I just want to live my dream

of sitting behind a computer keyboard. I work at the 9 to 5, so I don't have to go to the post office on Tuesdays. Okay. Well, I'll tell you this, Scott. Fucking congratulations, man. And it was a pleasure to meet you and your little brother

Jamie. And congratulations on your guys' genetics genetics I feel like you guys are going to look both like toddlers even when you're elderly on your deathbeds come back to me when I'm 40 we should be good come back to what? me when I'm 40 we should be good you're my favorite member of the Fantastic

Four dude you better shut your mouth and go sit down you fucking there you go Scott Stevenson. Yep. Well, we... Good news is that Scott Stevenson's mentor and role model is a very famous character from Kill Tony's history he's always been by far the biggest representative

of Ireland you know him from living in a house with 30 people and for some reason paying more rent than all of us you know him as the king of the month of January ladies and gentlemen make some noise for your very own Aaron McCann.

What the fuck is happening, Dublin? It's good to be back. Good to get back from LA, back to Dublin, you know. Back on the fucking local Tinder. Crushing it. Can't wait, right? Fucking LA Tinder nightmare, too intimidating, right? LA Tinder, swiping through those girls is like applying for a job that you know you're fucking underqualified for, right? But you're like, fuck it, I'll throw my name in the hat, see what happens. Maybe they'll call me back by mistake, right? Match with this one girl,

one girl, right? And she said to me that she was a big believer in astrology, right? Now, I'm a Virgo. You know what that means? My parents fucked in and around Christmas. That's all that means, right? And she pre-warned me. She said, listen, I might be a little bit moody tonight because like my moon is in like Sagittarius. And I was like, oh, so what you're trying to say long-winded is you're fucking mental, right? But obviously I went on the date, right? Obviously I went on the date. And, like, this thing is,

there was shit that happened in L.A. I thought only existed in the movies, right? Girl Scout cookies, a real fucking thing, right? Seen this little girl, like, yeah, I'm just shifting these cookies two to five. I was like, this is like delivery for pedophiles. Like, you know, boom. Aaron McCann.

Wow. Amazing, man. Fucking incredible set. Really great stuff. Do you really use Tinder? Because, you know, I didn't even think about using Tinder out here, but the first one I pulled up, yikes. Okay, come on.

What are we doing here, Brian? You do well. You would do well. She would be wetter than your hotel hallway. I'll tell you that. Oh, my God. Aaron, I fucking love your set, man. You have so much swagger.

I could tell that you brought a lot of that LA confidence back with you. That's fucking awesome. You're staying there in the pocket delivering jokes. You're the only person that's been on the show tonight that's done, what, five, six spots on the show before? Yeah. You earned this spot

back in LA. You were lucky enough to get pulled out of the bucket the day before you had to come back to Ireland. And I told you that we just booked Ireland and that you would get a spot when we go to Ireland. And you just fucking nailed it, dude. Right down the barrel. Do you miss LA? I don't miss living with 30 other fuckers. But I do miss it. I don't have to with 30 other fuckers, but I do

miss it. I don't have to wank every game as this fucking Splinter Cell or something. I can just do it in pace. Why do you look like you could be one of the Stevenson brothers? What the fuck? He's like the dad. Yeah. You guys are all shaped like fucking giant

babies. But I'll tell you what, Aaron, we're going to keep fucking flying through this shit. We have a couple names left in the bucket, and but, I mean, as far as I know, I'm pretty sure that, you know, while you're

still, you know, sort of in the how long have you been on stand-up? Six years. Six years, and I'm telling you right now that with the Kill Tony bass behind you, I mean, I don't see what can stop you from being one of the biggest Irish comedians ever. So congratulations. Aaron McCann, ladies and gentlemen, come on! Not easy to do a minute like that.

Yeah, little fucking Golden Girls from the band. Back to the bucket we go. Let's fly through a couple real quick and then finish up this thing. Is that okay with you guys? We're already running into overtime. If you want, we'll end it now. All right. Make some motherfucking noise for Jack Byrne, we'll end it now. Alright. Make some motherfucking noise for Jack Byrne,

everyone. Here we go. Fuck, man. That's like being on death row. Fucking hell. Liam Neeson, yeah? I can relate, man. No. Three or four years ago, I got punched in the face by a gingeron, yeah? I can relate, man, no. Three or four years ago, I got punched in the face by a ginger guy, yeah? It was about five weeks of my life. Any time I went to a nightclub, I'd see the ginger man throwing hands.

Fuck it, we're going. Didn't matter, I just wanted to murder a black man. I mean a ginger person, yeah? Yeah, no, my friend, he's a substance abuse issue, yeah? You know, he likes drinking olive oil. Started out as a weekend thing, yeah? But as we all know, addiction is a slippery slope. And feminism, man. Any feminists here? Yeah, fuck off. I know a few feminists, yeah, and they're always going on about equality, yeah. Oh, equality is equality, that,

but you have to complain about male gays. Oh, the male gays. Oh, I'm sick of the male gays. Oh, male gays are fucking people too, yeah. What's that all about at all? Thank you. Hell yeah. Jack Byrne.

Jack, how's it going? You just gave a big gasp, a big exhale there. I'm nervous, man. You're nervous. Is this your first time performing in front of human beings? Yeah. Wow, look at that. Heck yeah.

This is your biggest performance since you ran back and forth across America in the hit movie Forrest Gump. Look at you. I don't have AIDS, thankfully. Anyway. I don't know if that was... You're saying that Forrest got AIDS at the end of... He got AIDS, didn't he?

That's what the hint sort of is. Philadelphia, what you're thinking. Yeah. Oh, no. Spoiler alert. Yeah, and then he had to land the plane. I was supposed to see that this weekend with my tia. So, Jack, tell us some shit about you.

How long have you been working at the Tesco? Never, no. That's not even the name of the place. What do you do for work, Jack? I work in a bar. You work in a bar. What do you do at the bar? Clean.

You clean the bar. Fuck yeah. I'm like a fucking Mexican, essentially. Heck yeah. You might be the dirtiest cleaner I've ever seen in my life. Man, how long have you been doing that for? About four or five years. Four or five years.

And the bartender... It's very loud. The bartender tips you out at the end of the night? I make my fair share of money, you know. For you a few bucks, right? Or you get paid an hourly? Hourly, yeah. And then whatever I find on the floor.

And whatever you find on the floor. Hell yeah. What's the coolest thing you've ever found on the floor at a bar at the end of the night other than your current girlfriend? What's that groan? Happy Valentine's Day. It's so weird that you guys groan at

and don't groan at, by the way. You really think he found his girlfriend on a bar floor working his shit? Oh, all right, yes. Hey, it happens. Fuck yeah. I don't know, I've found, it happens. Fuck yeah. I found a few phones. A few phones?

Yeah. What'd you do? Did you resell those? To Chinese, yeah. To Chinese people. You just go straight up to the first Chinese person you see, like, how much for this? You people made this, right? Me not resell! Me not resell phone you people made this right me not resale me not me not resale phone just cause asian

anyway uh okay that's my ali wong impression everybody uh oh i am uh oh i am a so a pregnant look at my glasses i I got either small eyes or big eyes when I'm serious. But I pregnant. Don't forget. Oh, you love Ali Wong? Oh, I liked you before this point. Oh, no. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. We're all gigantic

Ali Wong fans. All gigantic. Totally don't have to just say that if I want to work with Netflix again. No, I truly love her. She's so fucking funny. So funny. I mean, so funny. Anyway, so Jack, why do you look like that? Laziness, primarily, yeah.

Primarily what? I just, lazy. I stopped brushing my hair and then this happened. Hey, what the fuck happened here? Everybody shut the fuck up. Start talking about Ali Wong, the whole place loses itself. So does he like her? Has she ever been a guest?

No? I wonder why. So Jack, yeah, you look like you just got shot out of a cannon and landed here. That's how I feel. So tell us something else about you.

Is there any other fun facts about Jack Byrne that might surprise us? You once swam the English Channel or something like that. He once appeared in all the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. I sing. I like to sing. Really? Can you give us a little example of one of your verses? I'll give it a go, yeah.

What do you know how to sing? Can you name a song? Sitting on the dock of the bay. Yeah, you want a little backup on guitar or something? Would that help you? I just sing. Okay, how about to the drums?

Do you like that tempo, faster, slower? A loose lay, yeah, yeah. Well, that's going to have vocals on it, Brian. I got it. Yeah. Here he is singing a little tune for you, Jack Byrne, huh? Here he is singing a little tune for you, Jack Byrne, huh? Sitting in the morning sun I'll be sitting when the evening comes

Watch as the ships go out And I'll watch them roll back in again Oh, and I'm sitting on the cock of the gate Watching the tide roll away Just sitting on the cock of the gate Wasting time. That was great. That was great.

Sitting on the cock of the game. There you go. Make some noise one more time for Jack Byrne. the game. There you go. Make some noise one more time for Jack Byrne. Thank you. Thank you. One more fast one? One last one? We can do one quick last one.

All right, one last one. I don't know. You guys got chatty during that one. Are you sure you want one more? Is there a girl in there? Is there a female? Oh, that's a good point. Yeah, there's a female. It's probably still going to be a guy.

Oh, Ashley, Stephanie, Melanie? I don't think so. Are they allowed to talk on stage? There's a Lee, a Gordo, and a Tony. Which one should we go with? Unfortunately for you, sir, you've been heckly and annoying all night. So Lee Kenny's out. What do you guys think?

Tony or Gordo? I mean, the name of the show is Kill Tony, right? But Gordo's a pretty cool Irish name. And Gordo means fat in Mexican. Is that true? Yeah. Is that true? He's right.

It does. I hope he's fat. How many of you think it should be Gordy? How many of you think it should be Tony? Sounds like Tony. Starts with a Tony, ends with a Tony. Make some noise

for your final comedian of the night. Sorry to Gordo Brennan. Make some noise for Tony Zangina. Zaniga. Zaniga. Hi, everyone.

Finally an accent you guys can probably understand. My wife just had a baby. Not the reaction I had. It is mine. But no, my wife and I are more of a, like, dog folks. So that kind of got me thinking, like, what can you say to a dog owner that you couldn't say to, like, someone who has a child? You know, what kind is she? Are you going to breed her? Sorry, that's actually all I have planned.

That is my time. Tony Zuniga. Why do you not have an Irish accent? Because I'm American. You're American? Where are you from? Where are you from? The I'm American. You're American? Where are you from? Where are you from?

The best state ever. Ohio? Michigan. Oh, you son of a bitch. That's why you bombed and only did 46 seconds. So, Tony, you do stand-up in Michigan? I do not. This is actually my first time. Wow, that is so cool. What the fuck are you doing here? I live here. You live Michigan? I do not. This is actually my first time. Wow. That is so cool.

What the fuck are you doing here? I live here. You live here. Why do you live here in Dublin? My wife. You got married to an Irish girl. Yeah, my wife's Irish. Did you meet her online?

No. We actually met in probably the most cliche way possible. Yeah? Go ahead. I was traveling. I lived abroad at the time. She was traveling. And then you met abroad. Very cool. Pretty much. No. I was traveling. I lived abroad at the time. And then you met abroad. Very cool.

Pretty much. I was traveling abroad. I worked out of the States at the time and then she was traveling back here and we met in New York City on New Year's Eve in Times Square. Wow. That's fucking interesting.

Fuck. Well, that's so cool. She's probably slept with a lot of Buckeyes before, right? A lot of what? Buckeyes. A lot of Buckeyes? Ohio State Buckeyes. Yeah.

She's from... I'm so confused. I don't know what's going on now. I missed it. How long have you lived in Dublin? I've lived here about two years full time. Two years. I've been here on and off for like the last six or seven.

What's your favorite thing about Dublin? It's a lot of fun. Don't give these fuckers a chance at your stage time, Tony. You answer these questions right down the barrel. What's your favorite thing about Dublin? Food's great. You're damn right it is. I really gotta give you guys fucking credit. The meals that we've had since we've gotten here are un-fucking-believable.

Truly, truly, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. We're obsessed with food, and every fucking bite we've agreed has been unreal. Yeah, I had a burrito earlier. It was super authentic. I'm going to tell you what, Tony. I know we've only had a minute to talk with you and whatnot, but there's something

that just doesn't feel right ending this show with an American tonight, so I'm going to let you go. Tony Zuniga, we got to get him up. This is destiny right here. Your final comedian of the night,

Ireland's own, Gordo Brennan, everybody. Where the fuck is Gordo? Here he is Come on Your final comedian of the night Alright I'm gonna keep this shit short Cause it's Valentine's night

And I got somewhere to be I'm not sitting at home With my laptop Watching free Pornhub premium this shit short because it's Valentine's night and I've got somewhere to be. I'm not sitting at home on my laptop watching free Pornhub premium. You know I'm single right now. You couldn't figure

that out. Turns out there isn't much demand on the romantic marketplace for a perverted 26 year old living at home with his parents.

There's even less demand for one who looks like a perverted 46 year old living at home with his parents. There's even less demand for one who looks like a perverted 46-year-old living at home with his parents. I only dress like this to make myself look... I only dress like this to make myself look younger and cool, you know, but so far I've just been told

I look like a hipster neo-Nazi. And, you know, that's so unfair. That's really unfair because hipsters so 2012 and me and the lads haven't been on a march since that royan air flight to charlottesville and you know my friends they say to me both of them i'm not gonna get it in before the fucking roar, so sorry, lads. Cheers.

There you go. Gordo Brennan. Hey, wait a second. Aren't you just the poetry guy with glasses and a mustache? No, he's the Monopoly guy with glasses. Yeah, this is a... That was my next joke. This is if the Monopoly guys started doing human growth hormone.

Jolina. Tony, this fool looks like a cholo, eh? I'm ready to marry this fool, eh? Can I get a selfie, dog? Oh, shit. Jolina wants a selfie, Gordo. Look at that. There you go.

Fuck yeah. It looks like you are both going directly to jail. Gordo, you ever done stand-up before? Yeah, once or twice. Yeah, once or twice. Here in Dublin. Yeah. This is where you're born and raised? Yep.

On the playground is where you spent most of your days? How many times have you been in solitary confinement? That shit gets me wet, dog. What do you do? I'm an artist. You're an artist. You paint? No, I draw the doll.

You draw what? What else? You draw what? I'm on benefits. I'm on benefits. You You draw what? I'm on benefits. I'm on benefits. You're a what? I'm on benefits. Oh, you go to the post office on Tuesdays.

Oh, I thought you did graffiti, fool. Get out of here. Heck yeah. How long have you been unemployed for? About a year. About a year? Yeah. Wow.

What was the last job that you had? I was a marketing and sales executive for a construction company. Boring as fuck. You have any special sexual maneuvers that you do when you're making love to another man? He leaves it in and he's like, chance. You ever blow a load on a

girl's community chest? No. You ever shove it in her Mediterranean Avenue? Oh, shit. A little firecracker likes anal. Hell yeah. Hello. Anal queen in the house.

Yeah, a little fucking... She likes it in the old cobblestone driveway, huh? Hello. Hey, have you ever been the cook of the Irish? I knew it wasn't going to work. You ever have a one-night stand with a girl, and then you make her go on her boardwalk of shame? Okay, okay.

All right, all right, all right, all right. Okay, okay, okay. What is the craziest thing you've ever done sexually to another person? Before we get out of here, we're running way, this may be the longest episode of Kill Tony ever. My last girlfriend told me I was pretty vanilla, so. That you were pretty what?

I was pretty vanilla. Vanilla. Yeah, so I waited until her time of the month and showed her I was more of a Raspberry Ripple. There he goes, Gordo Brennan, ladies and gentlemen. Gordo Brennan. Sure. Gordo Brennan, everyone.

There you go. You can leave now, Gordo. Gordo Brennan everyone there you go you can leave now Gordo Gordo Brennan everybody we did it everybody this is what an episode of Kill Tony is this is the longest episode in our show's history live from Wheelens in Dublin, Ireland. You know, when we started this fucking podcast almost

goddamn, what, almost six years ago, it was never really, you know, we never really fucking thought that we would be taking a podcast around the world, not to mention having unbelievable fire fucking awesome crowds like you guys to come out. So, you know, taking a podcast around the world, not to mention having unbelievable, fire,

fucking awesome crowds like you guys to come out. So, you know... Thank you so much for being part of history, of our history, and making us feel so welcome. There's nothing... You know, we've been talking about it all week. There's nothing cooler than the fact that we sold out this show

weeks ago, and that really, in all of our many years of being aligned with comedy and comedians, this is one of our biggest accomplishments. So, thank you so much, and I'll tell you this. I promise you this.

We have to go to Manchester and London, and I think you guys are going to give them a real fucking run for their money. So thank you so much. Drink your caveman coffee. Buy your infinite CBD. Go to BetDSI and bet on coin flips and whatnot. How about another hand for the great and powerful

Salvador, Jeremiah Watkins He has his own podcast called Jeremiah Wonders Always amazing stuff going on there What's up? Russell Peters is my guest next week on Jeremiah Wonders Follow me on social media at Jeremiah Stand Up my guest next week on Jeremiah Wonders. And yeah,

follow me on social media at Jeremiah Stand Up if you're not doing so already. And I just want to thank everybody here because this is my first time outside of North America. Yeah. How about one more time for the great and powerful Jolina Joel

Jolberg. How about one more time for the great and powerful Jolina Joel Jolberg. Have a minute. Yeah. Mostly sorry on all social media. Ooh. Anything you want to say, Joel? I mean,

this is one of the coolest things I've ever gotten to do. Shout out to Ludwig Drums. Also, big salute to Robbie Keane, man. He did a lot for us back home, man. Shout out. We love you guys. Thank you, Ireland. How about one more time for the great and powerful Brian Redman, everybody.

I love you guys. Thank you. Good night. Good night. Good night. Thank you. Thank you.