KILL TONY - KiLL TONY #326 - MANCHESTER

Episode Date: February 22, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 02/15/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every single episode of Kill Tony, past episodes, video portions of the show. You can search for guest names, DeathSquad.TV. Also, click on tour dates when you're there. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store, but we're all over the place. We're on a world tour. We're going everywhere. We're going to Philadelphia March 21st. A second show has been added because the first one sold out. April 11th, boo, boo, boo, boo, breaking news.

We are going to be in northern New York, in West Nyack, New York, on April 11th. Then, proud to announce, Kill Tony Mania 2. It goes on sale this Friday at 10 a.m., and that's Friday, February 22nd. You got Kill Tony Sacramento. We're doing two shows there. October 16th and 17th. And then October 18th and 19th we're back at Cobb's Comedy Club

where we did the original Kill Tony Mania but we're doing four shows. October 18th we're doing two shows and October 19th we are doing two shows. Those tickets go on sale this Friday at LiveNation.com, February 22nd at 10 a.m. So check out DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates for all the links. TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony. Check him out. He has tour dates and all the other stuff at TonyHinchcliffe.com. Also, Ryan J. Ebelt.

He's the house artist. He draws every episode. He has a brand new poster. It's amazing. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. There you can get the official Kill Tony t-shirt and Death Squad merchandise. There's only a few left.

So if you want the Kill Tony shirt, number two, get it now before it's gone. Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from Manchester, England for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Etchclay.

What the fuck is up, Manchester? Make some noise. We're here. We're live in goddamn England for the first time ever. Brian, Redband is here. What is up, guys? Look at this. They brought a drum set

and a stool for some reason on the stage. This is exciting. You guys pumped for this or what? Manchester. You know, it's exciting to be here. This is our first time in England. We flew from Ireland today.

We flew Ryanair. Anybody know about Getting verbal booze An airline is getting booze Here in Manchester I'm excited to be here A lot of my favorite things are extremely English My favorite band of all time

My biggest artistic inspiration is Pink Floyd My favorite language is English A lot of my favorite things. So I'm really excited about this. You like crumpets, don't you? Yes. Crumpets, trumpets, midgets. This is the home of midgets, right? It's good to be here at the Lowry. They gave us what appears to be the smallest venue in the entire place. They told us it was sold out a month ago. And wow, that's great. I'm glad we're performing in this gigantic closet.

Good thing we flew 12 hours for this shit. Basically, we're back in the belly room again. We walked into this place. I'm like, God damn, here we fucking go. It's going to be like a goddamn arena. And it's sold out. And there's like 45 people here just crammed together. It's real exciting.

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How many of you here in this audience like CBD? Where do you guys get it from? You have it delivered to you from InfiniteCBD using the promo code TONY15? Is it legal here? Yeah? Oh, okay. It's a good-looking audience. There's a lot of facial hair in this crowd.

There's also a lot of gentlemen here as well. Glasses, goatees. This is very polite. This is sort of what I was expecting. There's a lot of distance in between us in this audience, a lot of space. We probably could have fit another, I don't know, 60 chairs in here. Yeah, right on stage.

But you know what? Who needs money when you have infinitecbd.com? You know what I mean? So I'm excited about things. And, yeah, you guys like coffee? How many of you like coffee? Did you know that Caveman Coffee delivers here? And you can use the promo code KILLTONY and save 15%. You could drink the same coffee as me and Red Band and Tate Fletcher and Joe Rogan and Brendan Schaub, all your favorite

fucking people. There you go. All right. That was a monkey. All right. And yeah. So yeah. What do you guys say we just get into this bad boy? We got that out of the way? I'm excited about this. Yes.

I wonder if there's a band here. Makes me wonder. As we do with all of our road shows, we're going to go guestless tonight. We don't want any fucking wacky Manchester local comedians slowing us up. But we did bring the band.

They are the best damn band in the land. Every single episode of this show, they commit to being different characters. I never know what they're going to be. Last night, it was the return of Salvador the mariachi saxophone player, and Jolina on the drums. Fucking Ireland was spoiled rotten.

So let's see what happens tonight. Who knows what they're going to be? They stay in character throughout the show. They're the best damn band in the land, all the way from the United States of America. Make some noise for Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, the Kill Tony Band.

Woo! Oh! Oh! Wow! This is very exciting. They might be detectives. They might be newscasters. I'm not exactly sure. You guys are detectives. They might be newscasters. I'm not exactly sure.

You guys are detectives, right? Slick McLowry, attorney at law. You're an attorney? Oh, we've never had attorneys on this show, have we? I guarantee I will get you off. Wow, this is very exciting. And clearly back here we have what appears to be Mexican Bill Clinton for some reason. How you doing, buddy?

I'm Jimmy Denver. Jimmy Denver. Yeah, hot shot legal eagle. Legal eagle. You got a fucking problem with that? No, I'm excited. I'm glad you guys are here. We're going to have a lot of fun.

Let me write down your names. It's Jimmy Eagle. Jimmy Denver. What's Jimmy Eagle. Jimmy Denver. What? Jimmy Denver. Jimmy Denver and... Just call me Slick Nick. Slick Nick.

Jimmy Denver and Slick... I guarantee I will get you off one way or another. You're from here in England, it sounds like, huh? Yeah. Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi. That's great. I've never seen a British guy with Nigerian hair. Yeah.

Yeah, we don't talk about that where I'm from. His dad was a cab driver. Oh, well, I'm excited to have you guys here. Super pumped. We have a bucket. You know what's interesting about Europe is we come all the way here and we don't get as many sign-ups as we get anywhere in America. Yeah, a lot of shy people

out here, right? Yeah, you guys are just here to fucking watch people bomb, huh? Well, you know how it works. If I pull your name out of the bucket you get 60 seconds uninterrupted and you're part of podcast history. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it

up then. Hey, we brought, I don't know if you guys know this, or else you're going to bring out the West Hollywood Bear. Here's the West Hollywood Bear for you. This is what he sounds like when you run the time. There you go. Yeah, we brought the West Hollywood Bear. We brought him from Los Angeles and when we got here in Manchester

today, I had to go, we lost him and I had to go... We lost him, and I had to go drag him out of Canal Street. All right, fuck it. So, you guys ready to start this puppy pie or what? This is Kill Tony Live, Manchester, England. I'm excited about this.

I'm pumped. So, it's a tough position going first, you know? How many of you like to see comedians do good on this show? You want to see some Manchester? How many of you literally want to see someone kill themselves on this stage tonight? Very good. Well, you never know what's going to happen. Anything can happen. And your first comedian tonight goes by the name of

Achmim Fegers. Achmim Fegers. Here he is. Wow, we know this guy. Hey, we know him. It's Ahim. Fegers. Fegers.

He was on last... Make some noise for Ahim. Thank you. Well, I'm from Germany. Any Germans in the house? Great. Well, I hope this goes well. I don't want to be like my grandfather.

70 years ago, he also got on a plane to England and all he did was bomb. Well, I don't like juice What? With pulp? I mean, what is it? Is it a beverage? Is it a food? What is it? I don't know

I also don't like escape rooms I'm more of a caps lock room kind of guy. So stupid. Meow, I guess. Oh, I got time. Yeah, you did.

Now you don't. That's a minute. Ahim. Am I saying that right? Ahim, right? Ahim Fagers? A little fun fact. Ahim was on last night in Dublin, Ireland. You're following us around.

That's right. That's very fucking cool. Stalking. I love it. What's cooler than a German stalker? Stalking is a punishable offense. Hey. Wow. I didn't like the London joke at first, but then you won me over with the Jew joke. German stalker. Stalking is a punishable offense. Hey.

I didn't like the London joke at first, but then you won me over with the Jew joke. All right. Well, Ahim, this was fun. You're German as fuck. You were on last night's episode. How was your travel day today? We were on the, I believe we were on the same flight.

Right. Yeah. It was pretty horrible. Yeah. It was pretty horrible. It's pretty crazy. Ryanair, they make you open your window. You have to have the blinds down. You have to pay extra to shut your blind. The airline was okay, but

sharing a plane with Brian's bladder, that's... Brian's what? Brian's bladder. My bladder? Yeah, Brian pees a lot for those of you that don't know. I just peed all over the plane. Okie dokie. Ahim, tell us more about you.

I don't know. I can't remember exactly what we talked about last night and what we didn't. You're the only person that was on last night's episode, I believe, that even came today you said on the episode that you're coming to manchester you got pulled out of the bucket first so uh anyway tell us more about you tell us something that we didn't find out yesterday oh boy um well i'm gonna be in london tomorrow uh-huh then the next day, day off.

Then day after that, we won Tony Hinchcliffe live show in London. I love that. At the Soho Theater, I'm doing a six-night run. If any of you get bored and want to take the tube down to the London. What do you do for work? Well, mailman, bike messenger, and tutor. That's right. That's right.

Mailman, a bike messenger, and a tutor. Right. Do you teach people how to be a bike messenger and a mailman? Or that's a separate thing? What do you tutor people? He teaches them to not become those two things. Yeah. What do you tutor?

Math and physics. Oh. Math. Wow. Huh. That's a lot of fun. You tutor like kids? Young girls? Nope. You piss on them and shit on them?

Nope. How old are the people that you tutor? 17, 18, 19. Hell yeah, that's what I'm talking about, dude. Fuck yeah. In the United States, that's considered underaged. What's the age of consent here in Europe? Wow

Somebody said 18 And two guys said 16 It's incredible Ahim, what's the youngest person you've ever been with Since you've been a grown up? Feel free to not answer that question been with since you've been a grown-up? Feel free to not answer that question.

As your legal advisor, I would advise against it. 21. 21? Wow. What'd you do to her? What's the craziest thing you did to her? No, no, we talked about that. I'm pretty vanilla in that department. Really? So when you say vanilla, that means you ate ice cream out of her ass or something like that?

Rocky Road. All right. No, I think sex is something that doesn't really need to be fixed, you know? It's pretty good. You like it just missionary position.

Right. Do you like to... This man has just been convicted as a serial killer. Is that your move Missionary position It's alright Your favorite's Doggy style

So that you So that you Don't have to look At your victim In the eyes Tony don't say Doggy style To a mailman

You ever have dogs Chase style to a mailman. You ever have dogs chase you as a mailman? Two times, yes. Two times. And do you run or do you ride your bicycle? I ride my bike, but when they catch up,

I have pepper spray. Wow. So you've pepper sprayed Just like a real German. Man, you've pepper sprayed a dog before? Have a wheel. Two times.

Two times. Two times. You know what kind of dogs they were? One was a German Shepherd, but the other one... German Shepherd, but where you're from, they just call them Shepherds, right? Usually the small ones are worse. Right, small ones. You can just kick those. You don't have to use peppers.

Exactly. Small ones are worse. Right. Small ones. You just kick those. You don't have to use peppers. And they bark a lot and they run up to you, but then they don't know what to do. You know?

Hell yeah. How did you like Manchester today? Is this your first time in Manchester? Yes, first time in Manchester. Yeah? What did you notice today? I noticed that the whole city sort of smells like poop a little bit. There's like a 3% touch of poop in the air.

What's up with the cabs where you have to face the opposite way? Yeah, it's so bizarre. That is weird. Fucking ridiculous. You guys just find that acceptable? Nobody's going to start marching for new cabs? Yeah. Where you face forward instead of facing both ways and the driver

has to be like, oh, put your bags fucking anywhere you possibly can. Yeah, you're like sitting in a trunk. It's ridiculous. You guys like that though, huh? I'm just used to it. I don't want to have to fucking look at this cab driver. All right, Ahim.

Well, you did it again. Two nights in a row. You might be the first person ever to get on Kill Tony back to back two nights in a row, you did it again. Two nights in a row. You might be the first person ever to get on Kill Tony back to back two nights in a row, but congratulations to you. Maybe we'll see you. Maybe you'll get pulled tomorrow in London. Thanks. Ahim Beggars, everybody.

Hell yeah. You can tell the way he set up the microphone. He's planning on Andre the Giant hitting full out next. Hell yeah. Whoa. All right. Now Gary Coleman.

Joe Rogan up next. Come on. All right. Make some noise for your next comedian, Brian Shannon, everyone. Brian Shannon. Brian Shannon. Here he is. Oh, shit.

So, happy after-Valentine's Day, or as I like to say, hotel-made appreciation day. Literally checked into the hotel down the street here. The lady doing the house cleaning was chugging a bottle of water. She had a hard hat.

I walked by and I was like oh my god, what's going on? She was like, you have no idea. I was like, I think I have an idea. Oh god. I think I have an idea. Oh, God. So, been single for 15 years. It's not a joke.

That's just... I don't know. Had a lot of ideas Now this shit just went Fuck yeah Brian Shannon Yes sir Yes go ahead

Slick Nick Slick Nick You Slick Nick. You've been convicted of bombing in the first degree. How do you plead? It could have been worse. That was very impressive, Brian. That was your first time doing stand-up? Absolutely.

Definitely was. Absolutely. Hell yeah. So when you said that the cleaning lady was drinking water and you said what would you say how's your day going and she's like you have no idea yeah and then you stared out there and you were expecting something to happen what were you expecting to happen a lot more than what happened right and then you said oh god and then you accept you expected them to laugh at that, like, oh, they're going to laugh at this. And then you sort of did like this.

Like one of those things, and they sort of laughed at that. And then you said you've been single 15 years. Is that true? Totally true. So how old are you? Not celibate, but 15 years single. Oh, this guy fucks.

Yeah. So why? Why do you think you've been single 15 years? Not looking. Just out there having fun. Just out there having fun. So you're fucking everybody, right? So how does that go for you?

How often do you get laid? Not enough. Have you ever fucked a German dude? Funny. I live in Germany. Flew up here to see you guys. Is that true? Are you fucking serious?

Absolutely. You came from Germany. Are you fucking with us? Not at all. Is this one of your jokes? Nope, because that would be funny. Man, that's crazy. So we've had two Germans.

We came all the way to England just to have a bunch of goddamn Germans. Hell yeah. There's an angry Englishman in the front. What is this shit? This is like when my tea gets cold. Yeah, a little bit. Wow. So what part of Germany do you live in?

I live in Stuttgart, but I'm from Texas. You're from Stienberg. Is that anywhere near? Stuttgart. Stuttgart. Is that anywhere near... Stuttgart. Stuttgart. Is that anywhere near Wienerschnitzel? Big Wienerschnitzels. Okay. So, Brian, when's

the last time you had sex with a girl? You made a point to say that you've been single for 15 years, but that you get around... I didn't say that, but... You said that you have sex. I do. Yeah. So, like, last time you had sex. What was that you have sex. I do. Yeah. So like last time you had sex. What was that like? April, I think.

Uh-huh. That's coming up on... Is that her name? That's almost a year ago. April from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Okay. So, Brian, when you had sex in April, which, by the way, I'm pretty sure, what month is this? Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

It's almost been a year. It's February. April of 2018? Are your dicks so big you're fucking girls in the future right now? Definitely not. You fucking a DeLorean? Just fucking let's change the dial, man. April.

So where was this girl? Was that a one-night stand? Nope. That was a Czech friend. From the dial, man. April. So where was this girl? Was that a one-night stand? Nope. That was a Czech friend. From the Czechoslovakia. Czech bleeds. Yeah, basically. Right.

You said Czech friend. Yeah. She's from Czech Republic. Czech Republic. That's different than Czechoslovakia? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. That's on all the fucking angry British chicks out there yeah you fucking dumb American okay so Czech Republic and what was that like was she different than most people that you've hooked up with anything weird about her sideways pussy or anything like that? No, no. Just pretty vanilla. Whoa. Whoa, I'm seeing a theme here. You're not going to believe this. She's here right now. Whoa. Witness number one.

April. Alright, well, I love it. What do you do for a living? IT consulting. IT consultant. So you work in computers in Germany? Hell yeah. What do you do for a living? IT consulting. IT consultant. So you work in computers in Germany. Hell yeah. What do you do exactly? Like what type of IT consulting do you do?

Basically front end like software integration. Oh yeah. Front end integration. Enough about April, my friend. Wow. That's interesting. You have any special skills or hobbies? What do you like to do for fun?

So I moved to Germany mostly because I want to wingsuit base jump off of cliffs in Switzerland You like base jumping? Every day Wow, very interesting You should shut the fuck up for the rest of the show Should have gone to Switzerland

You realize you are our worst nightmare. Just, like, you contributing from the front, like, oh, I'm part of the team. Best base jumping in Switzerland. Have you ever thought about jumping without a parachute? I'm thinking about it right now. Oh, yeah.

Brian, I can't really put my finger on it. There's something, like, I feel like you would make a great, like, telemarketing guy or something like I feel like you would make a great Like telemarketing guy or something like that You ever think about selling like OxiClean or anything Can you give us like a pitch if you were gonna sell us Something like

Something OxiClean Get it Wow you're fucking natural OxiClean, you have no idea. There you go. Your trademark. That's like your getter done.

It's just like... It's been a while. All right, Brian. We've had enough goddamn Germans already. Let's keep this thing moving along. Let's get a fucking... Let's get a Brit up here. Let's get a goddamn Englishman up here.

An English woman. Tony, when he was bombing, the tension was so thick it got knifed. There's a lot of knifings. There's a lot of knifings here! Has anybody here ever been stabbed before by a round of applause? Oh, one guy raised his hand. Has anybody ever stabbed anyone?

The same guy. Is that true, sir? You were stabbed? Outside of a chip shop. That's like a potato store. I don't know what a chip shop is here. It's like fries. Fish and chips.

You guys have those restaurants that specialize in French fries? I don't know what a chip shop is here. It's like fries. Fish and chips. You guys have those restaurants that specialize in French fries? That's what we call them. A chip shop. I got stabbed at a fucking chip shop. All right, well. Let's see what happens next. Make some noise for your next comedian, Ben C, everyone.

Ben C. Here we go. Yo, look at this. Taking his time. He's very comfortable. Make some noise for Ben C one more time, everybody. Hell yeah. Hello, everyone.

It's my first time in front of a crowd, so I apologise if I'm a little bit nervous. Thank you, everyone, for coming over to the UK and seeing us. I'm from Liverpool and Scouse, so... CHEERING I'm going to slow my speech down a little tiny bit so you guys can actually understand what I'm saying. I'm going to put my hand up. My name's Ben, and, guys, I can't urinate in public in front of other males. I can't goinate in public in front of other males. I can't go to a urinal.

I'm that creepy dude that you see waiting in line, and there's loads of people going to urinals. Sorry. And I'm the guy, what the fuck's that guy doing? So I'm the guy who might make it look like I'm actually going to the cubicle so I can do cocaine, even though I don't do cocaine. I'll wait there so people don't think I can't pee in public. And I want to say, guys, you know, I'm a white, cisgendered male. And I want to say the real problem out there, guys, the real issue is tall male privilege.

I'm a shorter male and you tall guys, you got it easy, man. Very quickly, you know, I'm probably more likely to be attacked than raped, potentially, you know. I can hide in places, but if someone finds me, there's more chances that guy is probably going to be able to kill me. Thank you very much, guys, again, for coming over. Hell yeah.

Ben C. Ben C. Ben C. Clearly minutes away from turning completely into a werewolf. This is very exciting. You're a very hairy man. You think that you have all that hair and facial hair and all that to overcompensate for your height? You think that you're like, I'm going to show everyone how much of a manly man I am,

and I'm going to have a tall haircut, and people are going to think I'm taller because my hair is so tall. You do? Oh, I think for sure. I think probably the quiz can add a couple of inches there for sure. No idea what the fuck you just said. Here we go. It has begun. These guys, sorry, you guys have understood most of it.

It's because I'm from Liverpool. We tend to speak. Fuck you, man. Come on, you already booed him the first time, you doofuses. Bunch of idiot soccer fans here that can't help themselves. Boo! Man City or nothing at all. What's the difference between Liverpool and Manchester?

Help us dumb Americans understand your silly little island country. I think you know Scousers were well famous the Beatles obviously from Liverpool oh they are you know I think we've got a good sense of humor over in Liverpool yeah you do yeah that's football team in the world Liverpool I see you know Wow yeah he and I two, baby. I love your ears, man. Anybody ever make fun of your ears before? Anybody ever tell you you look like a goddamn Ryanair flight? Yeah, wings, my friend.

Yeah, people have made fun of me over the years. So, Ben, what do you do for a living out in Liverpool? I come really doing a PhD. You do a PhD? Yeah.

What are you studying? I'm researching mixed martial arts and sports. You're going to get a PhD in MMA? Essentially, yeah. Really? Eventually. Is that true? That is for sure, Tony. You used to wrestle?

You're a wrestler? No, I actually did amateur MMA 10 years ago, back in, well, 2006. I fought amateur MMA. Wow. But then being a little dude again, you know, the wear and tear on the body. Basically, it was me and a load of juice head doorman training to try and be MMA fighters. Yeah, it took a toll on the body. No idea what he's saying at all.

No. It takes a toll on the body. Oh, wow. Jesus. Yeah, my lawyer over there, Slick Nick, told me to try and mumble as much as possible and speak scouse. If you do not speak more clearly, you will be held in contempt of court.

So, what's your favorite go-to in MMA? You ever hit him with the old liver pull? Is there something that you do specifically? You just confuse your opponent, talk to them, and they're just like, what the fuck? And then you punch them right in their nose or something like that? He does his

signature move, the Beatles, and he just yells help. Boom. There you go. Hell yeah. Yeah, no, my go-to Tony in that respect would be to ask someone a question and then just punch them in the throat. Right. Can I say that legally?

I wouldn't advise it. I agree with what you said 100%. One of the things that might grow Tony is you punch them in the throat. Because I'm so short, I can't reach the jaw, so the throat's so much softer, and with these

small, gaelish hands. Gaelish? Gaelish. Gaelish. Like a young girl, my hands are small. Gaelish. Oh my god. Sorry, it's the Scouse accent.

It's amazing that some people in England speak the worst English I've ever heard in my entire life. It's weird. I've come all the way out here and I just can't really decipher it. What's your favorite thing about being British? You have all these amazing English people here in front of you. You could really get them all on your side. What's your favorite thing? Well, to be honest, Tony, we have a phrase in Liverpool,

and we say we're Scouse, not English, because Liverpool comes above being part of England, to be honest with you guys. Sorry to say that, but I'm Scouse. I gave you a chance to get these people on your side, and you made them all very mad. Come to Liverpool next year, guys. We'll get a bigger venue, a better crowd, more people.

You can get more. Yeah? Really? Will there be more people? Yeah, but you might have a bigger audience. You might have a bigger audience in Liverpool, but will you have as many staff members getting paid for doing nothing at the same time? The fuck are you guys doing?

Go walk around in your fucking Lowry. There's nothing going on here. Jesus Christ, these fucking people. Whose paychecks do you think they're getting paid out of here tonight? Just fucking sitting there. Hey, gotta make shit. Gotta hire women.

It's all even. We're security guards, too. If anything happens,. Hey, I gotta make shit. Gotta hire women. It's all even. We're security guards too. If anything happens, we know how to handle this situation. How would you beat up one of those women? What would be your first move?

You're an MMA guy. You're covered in hair. What would you do? What would be your go-to on a woman? It'd have to be a eunuch. Jesus, listen to that hag in the middle of the room.

Punch him in the throat. Punch him in the throat Punch him in the throat Give him the timbers My god Go ahead I've got a very dry mouth I bet you do I would say With it being a smaller woman

Pretend to go with a handshake Arm arm drag to re-nake a choke, and then choke her unconscious, but potentially hide the body behind that black curtain there. Yeah. We didn't ask you to dispose of the body, sir. He's consulting his attorney here. I dropped my client about three minutes ago. Wow.

Yeah, like Ted Bundy, I think I might want to defend myself from now on, if that's possible. Defend meself indeed. That's exactly what you should do. Don't get stabbed out of a chip shop. Wow. Well, Ben, it was nice to meet you, man. Thanks for coming on the show. First time doing stand-up, right?

First time ever, there you go That's what we're doing, we're making a shirt Yeah, you got it Absolutely, indeed, we'll see you in Liverpool There goes Ben One of the largest stages we've performed on

combined with one of the smallest audiences. It's a real interesting thing. This is for like plays, I think. Yeah, I think so. Middle school play. Has anybody ever... We should do something special. I should fire my manager on tonight's episode live.

The fuck is this place? Anyway. Make some noise for your next comedian, Randy Stamper, everyone. Randy Stamper. Here he comes. One more time for Randy Stamper, everyone. What's up, Manchester? Yeah, you heard Tony correctly.

My name is Randy Stamper. That is not my porn name. My porn name is actually Tyler Falcon, if you're wondering. Look me up. It's kind of sad. But so like our friend Brian, I also came from Germany to come see the show. And but one nice thing about coming up to England, like I might sound funny to you guys, but at least I can read up here. Like, yeah, my Deutsch is scheiße.

But, yeah, so I realized my parents fucked up. Realized my parents screwed up by naming me Randy Stamper when I was like 13 years old because Austin Powers came out. And yeah, he kept saying that Randy thing. But I realized my parents, they knew they screwed up like 13 years

before that. But anyways. Alright, let's talk about it, Randy Stamper. Were you really a porn star? No, no But porn name Tyler Falcon, when you search it It's just a bunch of gay porn movies Really?

We got Red Band doing deep web research On everything that you set up here So, Austin What did you just say about Austin Powers? Doing deep web research on everything that you set up here. So, Austin, what did you just say about Austin Powers? He said, do I make you Randy, baby? I've had Brits and Australians ask me if my name was legit, because Stamper and Randy. What'd you just do there?

Did you claw at me? Did you really do that? Did you clot me? Did you really do that? Wow, that's very impressive, Randy. There you go. Okay, so, man. Yeah, you ate it real bad up here. That's very impressive. First time doing stand-up, right?

Not yet, for sure. What? For sure, last time. First and last, probably. Oh, come on. Unless you call us up tomorrow. Oh, no. No, we need you. Now, when you say Tyler Falcon, that was the name of your dog in a street, or what?

I thought it was a middle name in the street you grew up on. You grew up on Falcon Street? Falcon Drive, yeah. And your middle name is Tyler? Such an awkward middle name and the street you grew up on. You grew up on Falcon Street? Falcon Drive. And your middle name is Tyler? Such an awkward middle name. Randy Tyler? Randall is my real first name.

Randall Tyler. Randall Tyler, get your ass in here right now. Oh, yeah. And you're from Germany? No, no, I live in Germany. Kind of like the second guy to go. Where are you from? I grew up in Ohio. Hey, that's crazy. That's where Red Band and I live in Germany. Kind of like the second guy to go. Where are you from? I grew up in Ohio.

Hey, that's crazy. That's where Red Band and I are both from. Yeah, Chillicothe. Chillicothe. Hell yeah, the middle of fucking nowhere. Exactly. That's why I love it. So let me ask you something.

There you go. Yep. It's the Ohio State fight song here. And getting a huge applause here in Manchester. What the fuck is this? So, you are originally from Chillicothe. What made you move to Germany? Same as Brian. I found a way to live in Europe and base jump

in my free time. Is that really true? What is up with white people base jumping? It's unbelievable. In fact, I broke my leg pretty severely in October, so I've just been walking again for like a month or two. Oh my goodness. Yeah, you walked a few audience

members here tonight. They got up and left during your set. So that was from you jumped off and like your leg hit the rocks as you were going down? I had a parachute malfunction and then ended up going through some trees and getting dropped about 15 feet.

Oh, my God. You ever jump off the roof of a chip shop? I don't think so. Parachute malfunction is my porn name. Yeah. Very good. So you have an Austin Powers reference in your set. I think it's tough to come to England

and make a joke about one of their icons, Austin Powers. Very English. National treasure out here. Yeah. Tell us more about you, Randy. How long have you lived in Germany? On and off for about six years. I floated between there and Hawaii for a long time,

which I lived in Hawaii for about 10 years. Seems like a long flight. Yeah, it's 18 hours of flying plus layovers. My God. And how long have you looked like a young dad waiting for his son at the skate park? For probably about five years, I'd guess. Are you scared to base jump

again now since you injured yourself last time? So this isn't my first accident. I wouldn't say it gets easier with time, but this one was more severe than the last one. I'll go back to it. I'm going to change a few things. What are you going to change?

How I fly and where I fly largely. Wow, great strategy. Yeah. Randy, so, I mean, that's so interesting that multiple people are just German-based

jumpers here. So, tomorrow night in London, we'll have like seven jumpers there because we're invited a bunch of friends. Tony, life is too safe for white people. They got to figure out a way to make it dangerous. I guess so. I've never in my life seen a black base jumper, right? Oh, hell no.

Funny story. Oh, hell no. Look at all these guys. Black-based jumpers feel like unicorns because there aren't that many of them, but they're out there. What the fuck did you just say to me? The fuck did you just say?

Did you say you porn? No, black-based jumpers exist. Black-based jumpers. When they jump, does it look like the Jordan logo? exist. Black base jumpers. When they jump, does it look like the Jordan logo? Whoa, there it is. First Joelberg chant of the night.

Have you hung out with a black base jumper? How does that work? So they take your wallet and then jump? Later, bitch. Later, Randall Tyler, you fucking bitch-ass bitch. Got your wallet, bitch. You're gonna break your leg

trying to get it back. Break yourself, fool. You ever have a crime committed to you on you from a black man? You're from Ohio. It's happened. It's happened. It's happened to both of us. I mean, they've happened with white people too.

Not really. Just really black people have committed crimes on me. But it ever happened to you? No. You ever have a crime committed on you from a white person? Have you ever been raped, perhaps? Molested as a child? I mean, I've got my wallet stolen.

Yeah? Who stole your wallet? Who do you think? I don't know. Where'd that happen at? Charleston, South Carolina. Oh, hell yeah. And I've had my passport stolen a couple times.

Jeez, a couple times? Yeah, once in Thailand and once in Hawaii. Wow, what the fuck would they want to do with your passport? Oh, shit, Thai guy. My name Randy Stampa. I look like I'm from Thailand, but I'm super, super, super American German.

Look at my passport. I like base jump all time. It sounds scary, but you should give it to Die. All right. So bad at accents. Remember, he was in that movie, Die Hard. Remember?

Oh, he was the bad guy from Die Hard. Yes, you are correct. Fuck yeah. Well, if he keeps base jumping, he's probably going to die hard. Has anyone ever told you you look like a young Hans Gruber? No, I've never gotten that. You look like Deadpool got laid off. Ryan Reynolds, whatever.

I like your style though, Randy. There's something about you. I feel like there's something that you could tell us right now that would bust this thing wide open. I feel like you're sitting on a secret of some kind. You once did something. You ever have a threesome but with two other dudes?

Well, with the right dudes, I wouldn't be opposed to it, I guess. Wait, threesome with two dudes. Wait, never mind. Wow, you really walked into that one. We just saw Randy peek his head out of the closet and then go back in again.

Oh, God. Hey, anybody out here see my passport? Okay. Hell yeah, Randy. Let the courtroom show this is a closeted homosexual. Well, Randall, I'll tell you what. You know, a rough set, perhaps the worst of the night so far. But, my favorite interview, there's something about you

that's just so fucking... Oh, look at you looking out there, absorbing it. Absorbing the compliment. So where do you go from here? What's your next move? You're going to London tomorrow? Yeah, we're taking the train down tomorrow. What time are you taking the train down to London?

Twelve-ish. That's another thing that my manager could have booked better. We're taking the train, but at like 10 a.m. for some fucking reason. Yeah, it runs like every... It's like two hours to get there. It runs like every hour or something like that.

Hell yeah. Has anyone ever run a train on you? No, not yet. Whoa, you looked right at Jeremiah. He's looking at that nose. Damn. With the right two guys, I mean. Hell yeah.

Hey. What do you think about that, Nick Eagle? Or Slick Nick? Slick Nick, I would like to approach the bench with some new evidence. A gay man semen. All right, there he goes. Randy Stamper, everyone. Come on. Make some noise for him. There he goes.

Hell yeah. Randy motherfucking Stamper. There he goes. Right back to obscurity. It's amazing how fast it happens. He sort of looked like the comedian that was on before him.

There's like a thing going on here. A lot of hair. Yes, a lot of hair. You guys having fun out there? Are you guys enjoying the show? Yeah. I've pulled another name out of the bucket. Let right. We have a... I pulled another name out of the bucket.

Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Mark McMacintosh. Mark McMacintosh. Mark McMacintosh. Mark McMacintosh. Hi, guys. So I was having a bad dream the other night. It's a really, really, really bad dream.

It's kind of still with me. But do you ever think when dreams are really bad that it's about a body part? It might be your body part trying to talk to you. So when you have a dream, your teeth, they're falling out your fucking face. It might be your teeth saying, Brush us, you cunt!

Eh, you never know, you never know. So, when I was having a dream where the skin fell off of my willy, eh, you wonder what my willy's trying to tell you, don't you? You're a fucking wonder. Wash! Never mind. But anyway, but it wasn't like it fell off, like it melted off, like Robocop. It like peeled

off. It was like a banana that you had that was like 10% left to be peeled. That wee nib, that wee nubbin left inside it. That was the skin of my penis and I was left to run around the streets asking my neighbours for help for a drive to a hospital and I couldn't get there because they wouldn't drive me because they said I was drunk and

Yeah. Fuck yeah. for a drive to the hospital, and I couldn't get there because they wouldn't drive me because they said I was drunk. Fuck yeah. There he is, Mark McIntock. So, Mark, I'm going to talk to you for a second here. How long have you been doing stand-up? Talk in the microphone. Third grade, fourth grade. There you go. Were you the class clown over in Hogwarts?

This is my first time tonight. Wow, there you go. Tony, are you mad this guy stole your outfit? What? This guy stole your outfit. Come on. Come on, I do not dress like Mark Mick

McIntosh. I had good inspiration. One thing that really stood out to me during your set is how amazing you say the word Robocop. Can you do that again for me? Robocop? Robocop. All right. Now you're over it.

I don't know if I said it right. Robocop. Robocop. Did I not say it right the first time? I don't know. Man, you're a little rambly, little jittery Englishman, huh? You drink a lot of caffeinated tea or something like that? You're a little bit antsy. You're a squirmy

little fella. Ah, yeah. Yeah? How old are you, Mark? I'm 28. 20? 28. 28. 28. 28.

28. Yeah, sure. There you go. You can untangle it. You're still connected to the pole. Yeah, sorry. I'm 28. I'm going to take the mic. Yeah, sure. There you go. You can untangle it. You're still connected to the pole. Just tangled it more. Yeah, sorry. I'm 28. Here, go back up to the mic stand. Put the cord around the other way. Look at that.

Yep. Get that shit. Get it behind you, not in front of you. Move it. You got this, Mark. I'm out, right? I'm 28. 28.

Okay. Looks like we're not going to make any advancements on that front. So, Mark, tell us more about you. What do you do for a living? How do you make money? How do you survive? He's the world's tiniest race car driver. He came here in a Hot Wheels tonight.

You are... I wish, man. I wish. Yeah. I wish. I work in a box factory. I make boxes for whiskey. Bottles. For bottles of whiskey. I make boxes for bottles of whiskey.

So you're a boxer. Is Westgate a type of what? Beer? Water? No, whiskey. What just happened to your voice when you said whiskey? Westgate is a type of what? Beer? Water? No, whiskey. Whiskey. Whiskey. Proper 12? What just happened to your voice when you said whiskey? Whiskey.

He ejaculated and then had a seizure at the same time. Wow. Whiskey. So you make boxes that whiskey gets put into. Yeah. And I mean, that sounds like a job that really anybody could do. How'd you get into the box factory? It's funny.

I was actually warned not to do it when I was 15 on a school trip. 15? Yeah, 15. 15. 15. 14? 14. Like, 13 years ago.

Uh-huh. I accidentally fell into a bottle of whiskey and they shipped me in a box. So you've been working there ever since you were 15? No, no, I've worked there a year, but I went there on a school trip when I was 15, and I was warned, don't work in the box factory. Well, yeah, that's just like common knowledge. And what kind of school trip takes you to a box factory?

What kind of education is that giving you? Welcome to the whiskey box factory. Don't you work here, whatever you do. And don't grow any bigger than you are here today. Nah. You've stayed the same size since you ever visited. Did you notice that? You never grew after visiting the box factory that day.

But your spirit grew. I like how you said that small people are from here before you started as well. No idea what you just said. I'm fucked. I love it. I like your style. Is that your real name, Mark McMacintosh?

It's Mark Macintosh. Oh. But I'm drunk, so I kind of miss it a little bit. Yes, he had a thimble of alcohol earlier. Spritzers! What did you drink today? What does it take to get a guy like Mark?

I'm just going to keep calling you Mick Macintosh. Just beer and cider. Not mixed together, though, just separate. Yeah. Yeah. How many beers and how many ciders? I don't know. Grasses don't count, man.

Grasses? Grasses don't count. Grasses don't count. Nobody likes somebody who counts. I need somebody who counts how many drinks I've had. Asian people like people that count. Nobody likes somebody who counts how many drinks I've had. Asian people like people that count. Yeah. But I'd normally like somebody who'd count how many drinks you've had.

Fuck that. Like, I don't need... I don't need that. How many of you want to beat the shit out of Mark McIntosh right now? I like this guy. You do? What do you like about him? I don't know.

I like his style. He's got a cool energy. I think we're going to beat this case. No, I like it. I agree. I like you too. There's something sort of adorable about you. If you were at Hogwarts, what do you think the sorting hat would... What camp do you think it would put you in?

Okie dokie. It would put him in the friend zone immediately Mark when you're not putting whiskey in boxes what do you like to do for fun what's a hobby of yours other than drinking we play cards what kind of cards do you play we play switch

switch is a game you play where you fuck over the person next to you. Oh. Instead of poker. I don't know. It's different, but you don't pay for money. You play for pride. Pride? Pride.

How can you have pride? You work at a box factory. Man. I love it. You're gambling with what little you've got left to try and get a bit more, I don't know. Pride, would that be white pride? Mark, what's your...

Come to Scotland, there's only whites, man. You won't see many black people in Scotland, so there's only white pride in Scotland. All right, that's enough out of you. Back to you, Tony. I'm not saying they're not welcome, man. I said shut up! Mark, what's your least favorite race of people?

Oh, man, that's hard. Wow, he's very excited to answer this question. Yeah, that's really hard, man. My least favorite race of people. Fuck. Yeah, and I can't even say us. Fuck on. Do you know what?

Black people. Very good. I don't dislike them. I don't dislike them, but... What do you mean by them? I take a long time to order in the Chinese restaurant. Wait. Chinese people think you take a long time to order in the Chinese restaurant? I. Chinese people think you take a long time to order in the Chinese restaurant?

I think that they are rushing me. Wow. And I don't like to be rushed. I'm a slow, my 10 kind of guys. I think that they judge me. I think they say you're slow. How do you know that they're mad at you that they think you order?

You must order now. You want to sit down? Order. You little shit. I don't want to be this guy. Honestly, they're very short. Make your order now so I can go base jump. I have Thai passport.

All right. Well, Mark. So you don't like people just because they rush you when you order their food. That's correct. No further questions. What do you end up ordering? What do you usually order when you get Chinese food? Sharp ribs.

I like the crispy shredded beef. Crispy shredded beef. And the udon noodles. I like the udon noodles. Crispy shredded beef. And the udon noodles. I like the udon noodles as well. There you go. You already know what you want for next. Pretty fast order. I'm fucking hungry doing that, man.

Why do you not say that when you get here? Ten minute go. Udon noodle. Shredded beef. Because that's the favorite, but I'll mix it up, man. I'll mix it up. You piece of shit. Spoiled white boy.

All right. A little bit. A little bit. Do you want me to get the fuck off here now? You piece of shit. Spoil white boy. Alright. Do you want me to get a fuck off here now? I hate it when people ask if like it's like hey you want me to go? I kind of feel like you're done with me though. Like I'm used. You are right. Mark McMacintosh everybody.

Thank you. There he goes. There he is. He wants one of those. A little fucking fist bump. There he goes. Look at him. He's adorable.

He just walked underneath a man's seat to get back to his. Just a little thing. He's sitting in a box. Oh, okay. This is very cool. This has to be our first female of not just the night, but also our European trip. We had an Ashley

pulled out of the bucket yesterday, but it turns out that was a dude. I brought it up as finally a woman, Ashley, and he's like, it's an Irish thing. We have an Ashley. But this has to be a woman. Make some noise for Amanda.

If you signed up and your name's Amanda and you have bad handwriting. Amanda South. Amanda with an S. Last name. Here she comes. Come on, people. Make some fucking noise for Amanda.

Last name. Here she comes. Come on, people. Make some fucking noise for Amanda. Hi. My name is Amanda Smith, and I'm going to get married in May. And I'm going to go to Jamaica. And I turned to my fiancé, and I said, oh, Mark, I really, really want to swim with dolphins.

They look so adorable. And Mark is like, they keep them in cages. And they're horrible. And they're so sad. And I was like, no, Mark. They're so happy, too. Look at their pictures, Mark. They're so happy.

And Mark is like, they keep them in cages. So I went to my trusty device and looked up Google. And in fact, they keep them in cages. And I was so upset. And I was like, no, this is not happening. And Mark's like, Amanda, they keep them in cages and I was so upset and I was like no this is this is not happening and Mark's like Amanda they keep them in cages and Mark's like what do you think dolphins do do you think they wake up in the morning like hmm it's 9am okay Mrs D I'm off to see the white people now let's let's splutter away with the let's swim with the dolphins And I'm like yeah Mark That's what I think that happens

And then I was upset For a while And then Mark said So Amanda are you still going to swim with the dolphins And I'm like yeah Amanda Smith Hell yeah You did it

That was adorable Again no fucking idea what you said Amanda Smith. Hell yeah. You did it. That was adorable. Again, no fucking idea what you said. What the fuck were you talking about? Mark said Dolphin. And I'm like, okay, Mark and Edward. And then the Dolphin said, what about Mark? And then I'm like, Mark, what did the Dolphin do? And then he said,

Ah. You're adorable, Amanda. Maybe it's just I haven't seen another woman in 48 hours. How was that? Was that your first time ever doing stand-up? I came on as the earmarked Matthew on stage. The earmark on the Matthew on stage. Absolutely.

I have no idea what you said. What did you say? Mark before. That's going to be my husband. That's your husband? Wait, hold on. I didn't find out that Mark McMacintosh is married. But he's going to get married to me.

He's going to get married to you. You guys are engaged. You're engaged to the guy that was just up here last. Wow. That's incredible. I can't believe that. Out of the entire interview process I had with him. And how long were you held hostage against your will?

It's incredible. He dared you to come on and you came up here and somehow, without anybody understanding, you had a better set than he did. That's mind blowing. That's going to eat at him forever. The wedding may be off at this point. When are you planning on getting married? The 18th of May.

The 18th of May. Isn't that adorable? Are you going to have it? A refrigerator box? Yeah. It's just going to be really small. Yeah, we know that. Yeah, we are quite aware. Hell yeah.

Yeah, we spent all our money on our honeymoon. We wanted to spend... I was like, I'd rather go on holiday than have a big wedding. I know exactly what the fuck you're talking about. It's like, what's going to change once you get married? What do you think is going to change? Is he going to get off the top bunk and come and sleep with you?

Hey, come over here. Hey, come over here. I'm going to put you in a box like a bottle of whiskey. Yeah, this isn't a joke about him working at a box factory, but do big things come in small packages? Hello. What's his, what's your... Wow. There he is.

Wait, wait. Are you asking if she has a big vagina? No, I want to... Never mind. So, Amanda, what do you do for work? I work in finance. You work in finance. Hell yeah. I would not trust you with any of my money at all, ever. What do you do in finance. You work in finance. Hell yeah. I would not trust you with any of my money at all, ever.

What do you do in finance? Well, I specifically work in pensions at the moment. You work in what? Pensions. Pensions. Pensions. Wow. What is your accent?

We're from Glasgow. We came down specifically for the show. Oh, this is so cool. So you're Scottish. Yeah, we're Scottish. Wow. Very cool. Look at this is so cool. So you're Scottish. Yeah, we're Scottish. Wow. Very cool. Look at that.

Very interesting. Quite the diverse show tonight. Many shades of white people. For sure. You play bagpipes or anything like that? Unfortunately, my papa tried to make me play bagpipes, but I wasn't interested. Your papa tried to get you to learn how to do it?

He plays, right? No. No? But he wanted to watch you blowing tubes? Your own father's like, come on, blow me love. Come on, put the fucking tube in your mouth, you dirty bitch. It's my grandfather. He tried to get you to play.

How long did he try to get you to play that for? I think he would still probably try and make me do it. Just till the cops showed up. I love it. Man, that's incredible. So how far is Scotland from here? How long was that flight? Well, we got the coach down, so it was about

six hours? You got the what? The bus, the coach. Oh, you drove a hours you got the what uh the the bus the coach oh you drove a bus from here no we got on you got on the bus no i know you didn't drive yeah no i didn't say that right at all i had a feeling you didn't drive the bus from scotland to here okay just let me All right. Man. Wow. Where did you meet Mark at? Where were you guys at? Well, my best friend, Kelly, I've known since, like, the first year, like, 12, has known Mark since then.

But I never met him until I was 19 at a bar. And I thought he was really creepy, so I tried to avoid him the whole night. You thought he was really what? Creepy. Clippy? Creepy. Clippy? Creepy. Creepy. Oh, creepy. Hell yeah.

What did you think was the creepiest thing about him? Well, he just wouldn't leave me alone. Hell yeah. Persistent Mark. It's a night bus, so it was like 3 a.m., and I was scared to get it on myself. And Mark was like, oh, I'm here. Come and sit beside me. And I was like, well, it's either

that guy or I get murdered. So I sat beside him. And then ten minutes into the journey, I was like, this guy's alright. Let the jury know this woman was brutally raped on November 12th 2015.

Wow. So how long has it been now that you and Mark have been together? Seven and a half years. Seven and a half years. Wow. Fuck. What is that in elf years? No further questions.

You ever cheat on him? No. No? All those long hours that he's at the box factory? You never go hook up with a bass jumper or anything like that? Craziest thing Mark's ever done to you sexually? We went to Japan.

Oh, you went to Japan. Hell yeah. I know what that means. Butt sex. Yeah. Fucking, yeah. I see Japan. Oh, you went to Japan. Hell yeah, I know what that means. Butt sex. Yeah. I see Japan, you see China. Put it in there. Alright.

What'd you do when you were in Japan? Did he put udon noodles in your butt or something like that? Yes, Joelberg at this. Yes, Trollberg. I see Japan, you see China, I put an octopus in your vagina. Wow. Very good.

We went to a department store, and it was like the equivalent of a pound shop. And we got a vibrator, and it was like a wee hula girl and then it had like little beads that came out like this I really wish I knew what you were saying what the fuck can you guys understand her

yeah you guys can man this is crazy I had no idea that we were going to have such a hard time deciphering. Like, we need, like, a date. Can either one of you do-nothing ladies over there, either one of you know sign language or anything like that?

Can you sign to me what these wacky Scots are saying? All right. You get to leave Scotland a lot. You've been to Japan. You're obviously in England right now. What's your favorite place that you've ever been? Well, I would say Tokyo, but Amsterdam or Prague probably. So you're a Democrat.

What did you say? Prague. Amsterdam or Prague. Oh. One of the two. Yeah. So you get high. No.

I just think they're No. Good answer. All right. Well, Amanda, you know, I'm pretty convinced. I know this might be a bold thing to say, but I'm pretty convinced that you may have, you know, signed up here on a fluke because your boyfriend dared you to. And I'm pretty sure you may have had the best set so far tonight out of any comedian. Maybe it's because you didn't put as much pressure on yourself.

Maybe it was just a dare. A lot of people, I think, have probably been thinking about this for months or whatever since we announced it. Maybe they got in their head a little bit and you were just loose and likable and sweet little thing. So thanks for coming on the show. There she goes. Amanda Smith.

Lying son of a bitch. Who had a better set than her? Actoon. Well, yeah. He doesn't count, though. He was on Last Night in Ireland and he's a fucking German assassin. I couldn't.

I think so. Yeah. Anyway. Let's see what happens next. Make some noise for Massey, yeah. I think, yeah, anyway. Let's see what happens next. Make some noise for Massey, everyone. Massey. Come on, there he is. It's Massey. So I've been traveling

for the past six years and I just moved back to England, my country, to find that it's been overrun by a bunch of dirty, stinking homeless people? Are they multiplying? They're just letting anyone be homeless now? Even morons?

Homeless people camp out at cash machines and ask you for change, like you're just going to give them a £10 note. Like, why don't they just wait by a change machine? They'll have more luck. Hang around in, like, arcades and bowling alleys. At least in a bowling alley alley they could change their shoes. If I saw a homeless person ask me for money and he was wearing bowling shoes,

I'd give him a fiver. I'd be like, mate, I want to support this. That's good. Homeless people have dogs now. Like 50% of homeless people have dogs. How does that make any sense? Just eat the dog. Half of your problems are solved then.

You may have to cross out hungry on your sign, but just write lonely in there. I'll give you some money. Maybe I spent too much time in Vietnam, but they don't have any homes, people. They don't have any dogs either. So that's it. Okay.

Massey, welcome to the show. How you doing? Hell yeah, good to have you here. You are, this is your first time doing stand-up? No, I've been doing it for a few years. Oh, cool. Quite lazily, yeah. Very cool.

Well, welcome, welcome all here in Manchester. This is where you're from? No, I'm from Liverpool, unfortunately. Oh, hell yeah. The one chick with the groggy voice is from Liverpool too. Fuck yeah. You almost have the same hair texture as Slick Nick

over there. You guys both have perms. Okie dokie. So Massey, you talked about England is overrun with homeless people. Is that true? Yeah, they're everywhere, mate. Is that true?

Mate, in Liverpool, there's like 50 homeless people now when they used to be... I knew all four homeless people. Wait, wait, did you just say 50? I'm saying I'm in every corner. Oh, all right. When we normally have four, that's a lot.

It's like 10 times. You should come to Los Angeles, man, if you want to see homeless people. Yeah. Also come to Los Angeles if you want to see a bunch of nice weather and, like, fun things and good things that you could do. It also doesn't smell a little bit like poop. You guys notice that at all or you're just used to it? Yeah, you're used to it. That's funny. Fuck yeah.

You made fun of homeless people. Meanwhile, you look homeless. Do you know that? Yeah, I'm fully aware that I look homeless. What do you do for a living? I work for an escape room company. Wow, I love that. When did you escape?

My wife is obsessed with escape rooms. Anytime I've realized that it's like a fucking super shortcut, it's like a cheat mode in my relationship. If I, you know, like for example, a couple weeks ago, I was hanging out at the comedy store, and it was a night where I just had a podcast, and I didn't have a set that night, and I'm pretty busy, always working and whatnot. So I told her, I'm like, I'll probably be home at about 9 p.m. tonight. I got done with my podcast.

I go to the back bar to just have one drink, and Ron White's sitting there. Next thing you know, we're throwing back tequila. We're smoking pot, right? I don't get home until 1 a.m. She was a little disappointed. She's like, I just wanted to hang out. I'm like, you know, we're throwing back tequila. We're smoking pot, right? I don't get home until 1 a.m. She was a little disappointed. She's like, I just wanted to hang out. I'm like, you know what? What do you say we go to an escape room tomorrow? And she loses her fucking mind.

People love escape rooms. They like solving riddles. How long have you been in the escape room game? About two years now. Two years. What's the craziest thing? Because for those of you that don't know, there's always someone like you that looks like some like, you know, sort of like part of the creepiness of the whole adventure.

That's why I'm hipster Frankenstein. Yeah, is that guy going to rape us at some point? But you're watching on cameras. They have a walkie-talkie, right? So if they need to communicate with you or want a hint or something, they can ask you. So what's the craziest thing that's ever gone down

at your escape room? There's a guy in Toronto because I work in Toronto and he comes in with a different girl every week to do the same room and he just goes for his first date and he tests the chick.

That motherfucker. It's amazing. He's a beast. He's a beast. Wow. And they're just like, oh my God, you're so smart.

Wow. Yeah, let's get the fuck out of here. I laugh them behind their back as we're like checking him in. He just like, oh my god, you're so smart. Yeah, babe. Let's get the fuck out of here. I laugh them behind their back as we're checking him in. He's like, wow. Tony, you know what I do? I go to escape rooms when they're closed and I break in. Unorthodox.

That's a good move. What do you like to do for fun, Massey? Do a lot of traveling. Yeah? Where's some of your favorite places that you've been to? Vietnam. Badass. Really? What do you love about Vietnam? It's another country for those of you that don't know that

America had to beat its ass in a war. You guys remember that? Remember that when you thought you could have our fucking country, you fucking dorks? They don't like you guys over there. What? They really don't like you guys over there.

They put a presentation on. Yeah. There was this girl talking. She's like, look at this young girl. She's only six years old, and she already killed many American. And this is like an educational thing they show. Jesus. Yeah, they show. Jesus. Yeah, they fucking hate it.

I hate you guys. Six-year-old girl killing Americans. Like guerrilla warfare, yeah. It's pretty bad. Wow. Oh, jeez. Don't call them that. Man.

So Vietnam, they don't like Americans, but what do you like about Vietnam? What's your favorite thing? Six-year-old hookers. Yeah. I kill so many Americans. We did a motorbike trip through Vietnam. It was hookers. Yeah. I kill so many Americans. We did a motorbike trip through Vietnam. It was pretty cool. Yeah, so.

Just travel, adventure, that kind of thing. How many times have you been to Vietnam? I've only been there once. Okay. Yeah, it's cool. Favorite place. And you live in Toronto? So I live, like, between Toronto and England.

So I go out there for work, and then I work here as well remotely. Wait, Toronto and England. You live in between Toronto and England. So I go out there for work and then I work here as well remotely. Wait, Toronto and England. You live in between Toronto and England? So I go out there for work a few times a year. I'm a Canadian resident and then it's a Canadian American. I thought there was some type of a fucking spy.

Oh God. What's that Tom Hanks movie where he's on? Alright, forget it. Fuck yeah, man. What else? What else do you like about life? Mate, it's awesome. Been going for it with the Rubik's Cube lately.

Really? That's your thing? Do you have one on you? I wish I did. Does anybody have a Rubik's Cube? Hit this guy with it. So that's your thing. You've gotten really good at Rubik's Cube. Well, me and my friends have been doing it this year with it. So that's your thing. You've gotten really good at Rubik's Cube.

Well, me and my friends have been doing it this year, yeah. You have friends here with you that are in the Rubik's Cube game? There is a community of Rubik's Cubers. And how long have you been pro? I'm not. You ever think about base jumping and trying to figure out the Rubik's Cube

before you hit the ground? That would be tonight's episode in a nutshell. How fast is, what's your average? Average around 45 seconds.

45 seconds. Wow, so you just peel the stickers off like I do. Right, yeah, yeah,

exactly. Why don't you open with saying, I have autism? My goodness. Matthew, you're a good-looking guy. You're wearing all black. You seem like you have a girlfriend.

Not at the moment. I'm taking a few years off. Yeah, why? Why is that? Because they just get in the way of you doing stuff, like living your dreams, like Rubik's Cubing and stuff like that. Like what?

Jesus. Like your last girlfriend, what did she keep you? How long were you with her? She stopped me from doing the Rubik's Cube. It's actually quite sad when I think that I gave up a relationship to get into cubing, essentially. Wait, wait, wait. You call it cubing? What the fuck?

Yeah. Wow. Dude, I broke up with that bitch so I could gleam the cube. Yeah. Goodbye, pubes. Hello, cubes. My God. Really?

So, like, where do you and your buddies, like, Rubik's Cube at? You guys all have separate Rubik's Cubes, and you're like, all right, guys, ready, and go. We've all got several Rubik's Cubes. Wow. Can you just imagine how horrible this woman was that you would leave her for a Rubik's Cube? Several Rubik's Cubes.

My God, did she have a vagina? Was it just like sealed shut down there or something like that? Like, oh, I got to get out of this, get in the Rubik's Cube game. I got a question. Are there different brands that make Rubik's Cube game. I got a question. Are there different brands that make Rubik's Cubes? Is there one that is like a professional style Rubik's Cube? There are different brands, yeah. What's your favorite go-to?

Oh, gosh. Gan is my favorite type of cube. Wow, you actually have favorite brands. This is incredible. Currently, a Gan is my main cube. Yeah. You ever did the triangle one? No, the Pyraminx. I haven't tried that yet.

That was my shit. You were a fan of the triangle one. Yeah. Left all my bitches and started just doing triangle Rubik's Cubes. I love it. Well, Massey, very interesting. Maybe you'll make some Instagram Rubik's Cube videos and tag us in them so we can see what the hell you're talking about or something like that.

And tag a picture of your ex-girlfriend. I want to see how horrible she was. Let's see that. Sounds good. Put your hands together for Massey, everybody. Thanks, guys. Thank you. We only have three names left in the bucket We're going to get through every name here tonight

How about that? Make some noise for your next comedian Spoonzy everyone What's the crack I'm Spoonzy As an Irishman I have a lot of fondate in English women. There's one dog I used to fuck up out with. We used to get fucking blind drunk, man. Cover each other's head with tone baby oil and just go at it.

So this one night, we're at it. She's on top of me doing her thing. And it's not until I reach around and try and put my finger in her bum that I realise my own dick has beat me to it. I swear to God, man, I had been fucking this doll for a solid ten minutes without realising. So, a couple of weeks later, right, same doll, we're at it again. And at the point of climax,

she screams out that she loves me. And man, I don't know about yous, but that fucking, it took me back a bit, right? So naturally, after, I'm like, what the fuck was all that about earlier? And she goes, oh, what I meant naturally, after, I'm like, what the fuck was all that about earlier? And she goes, oh, what I meant to say was, I love

your dick. And I'm thinking, man, if you came up to me and asked me to write you a list of the top three things you don't say in bed, it would go, I love you, scream if you want to go faster, and how long's my dick been in your arsehole?

Fuck yeah. That lady from Liverpool loved that shit. Spoonzy, let's talk about it. What did you put in her arse? I tried to put my finger in her arsehole. Your middle finger. You went like that. You use that.

Your first go-to finger. You don't start with the pinky. Get it warmed up. You go straight to the fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Yeah, you need to surprise her. Give her the biggest first. Wow. Okay.

There we go. No need to have that sound board out again. There you go. So, man, is that a true story? You really did that? True story. You always shove a finger in girls' butts? That's like one of your thing? Because then once it's in there, you're yeah you fucking dirty slut you love it like that this girl was pretty kinky like the right of my life so she was she was pretty kinky and your middle

finger was pretty stinky see what i did there just writing fucking songs one in the arse two in the fucking sparse all right uh so spoonzy that's your go-to move, middle finger? Well, it's fun. A bit of bone play is fun, yeah. Yeah. And you said she was a kinky girl. What are some other things that you would do to this girl? You're Irish?

I'm Irish, yeah. Yeah. 100%. Okay. So, what are some other things that she was into other than finger in the butt? I don't know. We used to ride for hours and hours. She was really into cocaine. Oh, there you go. Like really into it. I had to let her go because she was party-oriented.

Right, right, right. I had to let her go because, well, I had a Rubik's Cube career to take advantage of. You said she was really into cooking? Cocaine. Cooking. Cooking. She don't lie. She don't

lie. She don't lie. Cooking. So you said you were fucking her for like 10 minutes and you had no idea it was in her ass. So she has a pretty loose asshole I guess. Yeah, there was a lot of

baby oil going on and it was A lot of what? Baby oil. Baby oil. Ha ha ha. A lot of baby oil. Baby.

That's pedophilia. If baby oil is involved. That's a good point. That actually is a good point. I wonder if, alright. So, Spoonzy, what do you do for a living?

This is your first time doing stand-up? 100%, yeah. 100% first time. And tell us, what do you do for work? I'm a graphic designer. Graphic designer. My least favorite answer in the history of this show. So you make things on the fucking internet.

Basically on your computer. It's one of the biggest brands I work on comes straight out of America. Huh? One of the biggest brands I work on comes from America. Yeah, what's the brand? It's Gorilla Glue. Whoa, I fucking love Gorilla Glue.

It is cool. I actually got into basically a fist fight with a bottle of Gorilla Glue last week because the thing fucking opened up, the tippity-top, and it just started pouring out everywhere, and I didn't really notice it. So then I had it on my fingers. I had one of those fucking situations.

Okie-dokie. What happened? I ended up having to get nail polish remover. That stuff's tough. Yeah, Gorilla Glue was almost impossible. I was quite frightened, actually, because I couldn't tell whether my skin was falling off or if it was the Gorilla Glue. You've had it.

Well, I mean, you're a graphic designer. I feel like the girls you date should glue their ass cheeks together. Let's hope not. Is your real name Spoonzy? No. Forksy? Why Spoonzy? Why did you pick that?

My friend gave it to me about ten years ago after a house party I had. Why? I live in the country back home in Northern Ireland so I had this house party I had. Yeah? Why? I live in the country back home in Northern Ireland so I had this house party and it went on for hours and hours

and it didn't get shut down. So there was chaos. There was windows broken, doors ripped off, the hinges and all that. And I got a bit too drunk. Seeing it was my party, people were handing me drinks

all the time. I got a bit too drunk. The girl I was with took me to my bed to let me calm down a bit because my head me drinks all the time. I got a bit too drunk. The girl I was with took me to my bed to let me calm down a bit because my head was all over the place. And I spent the next two hours just laying, spooning her.

Just like that. And the whole house was getting fucking trashed. So I walked into school on the Monday and my friend just coined the name Spoonzy. It's stuck. Wow, that's the longest answer that I possibly could have gotten to that question. The amount of times I've had to tell that story.

Hell yeah. That was like a one-man play being performed here. Wow. It all started at a party. I had too much to drink, as you do. Later that night, my friend would walk in on me. Now, I was eating a girl's butthole like yogurt.

And that's how I got the name Spoonzy. I love it. It's a perfect... the name Spoonzy. I love it. It's a perfect... Jeremiah plays Spoonzy almost better than Spoonzy does. You're a great reenactor. All right, Spoonzy. Well, it was nice to meet you.

Thanks for coming on the show, brother. Hell yeah. Go have fun. You got two more names left. One more? Two more. Two more. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for one word name. Lewis, everyone. Two more. Let's see what happens here.

Make some noise for one word name. Lewis, everyone. Just Lewis. Let's see what happens here. Lewis. Here he comes from the way back. Way, way, way, way, way back. Here he comes.

Come on, one more time for Lewis, everybody. What's up, guys? My name's Lewis. I grew up in an all-white household, which is weird, because I come from Bradford. My mum's white, my stepdad's white, and I've got a half-sister who's white and blonde and doesn't look like me, so that was confusing. But I think I came out of it OK,

although I do burst into tears whenever I hear ba-ba-black sheep. It's what my stepdad used to sing when he was giving me the belt. In fact, he didn't even call it the belt, he just said, drop your pants, you're getting three bags full. I do think... I do think... I do think all that whiteness rubbed off on me, though.

I've got no rhythm, I can't dance, I hate rap music. I do like white that whiteness rubbed off on me, though. I've got no rhythm. I can't dance. I hate rap music. I do like white girls and fried chicken, but so does everybody else. That doesn't fucking mean anything. I can't score any black points for that. My real dad leaned into all the stereotypes. He had dreadlocks, he smoked weed, he listened to reggae,

and he got my mother pregnant, just a nice, normal-looking white lady. And when she was seven months pregnant with me, he left her for a bigger, fatter, whiter woman, which is worth 4,000 black points if you're interested. Boom, look at that. Lewis, Lewis, Lewis. That's how it's done right there.

I can understand him. A bunch of applause breaks. Fucking amazing. How long have you been doing stand-up? That was my first time. What? Wow. Look out.

Lewis, how old are you? I'm 28. 28 years old. And this is something that you've always wanted to do? Yeah, I've been listening to American podcasts since 2013. Hell yeah. I used to have this job where I worked from home, so I used to listen to Bill Burr and... Yep.

Tony Hinchcliffe and whatnot. Eventually this year. Very good. So what were you doing for work, and what was your stay-at-home job? I used to draw floor plans for, like, real estate agents. Flop ones? Floor plans.

Floor plans? Yeah. Like a layout of a house. Floor plans. Flop plans. Floor plans. Sorry. Thought it was some type of food or something,

and then it's floor plans. Yeah. That's interesting. Did you study, like, architecture or something like that? No, no. A guy just... He offered me the job. I went to him. He said, if you can come to my house and you can do it within a few hours, I'll be able to tell.

And he just gave me a computer and said, if you need any help. And that's what you still do that for work? No, no. He decided it was easier to hire people in Czechoslovakia. And about a third of the price. So eventually there was just not enough work for me. Wow. I had to quit that. Yeah, those people work for cheap.

Yeah. You mentioned the city of Bradford. Bradford. Bradford. And it got a huge laugh. Explain to us. We don't know. Bradford is the Third most multicultural city In England After London, Birmingham

Multicultural Molly culture? Multicultural What types of people are there? All types Guilty people Guilty people Why do you think they all go to Bradford?

I have no idea. I've never even heard of that city before. Yeah, it's not really known for anything. We don't have, like, Manchester has, like, Oasis and, like, the Stone Rollies and stuff, and we have the Asian guy from One Direction, so... Man, and what are you exactly?

What are your parents? My mum's Irish and English, and my real dad was Caribbean Caribbean yeah you you close to your dad no I haven't seen him since I was 15 wow he really is from the Caribbean yeah do you remember the last thing he said to you before he left back for the Caribbean no I think he went out to get some chicken and never came back. Wow. Oh, my God. Wait, is that real?

No. Because I want to know where that chicken place is, man. It's good enough to leave your family. I have to sail the seven seas to get fried chicken across the world. Wow. That's fun. Do you have any hobbies? Are you into Rubik's Cube or anything? No. I play guitar. I's fun. Do you have any hobbies? Are you into Rubik's Cube or anything?

No. I play guitar. I build Lego. I've got comedy shows and music shows and stuff like that. You are the second member of the Blue Man Group we've had in Europe. That's fun. Do you ever think about contacting your dad and maybe visiting him and hanging out or something like that?

No, I've got nothing to say. I didn't see him from being born to 11 years older than I saw him for a few years and then he just kind of dropped me off one day and stopped ringing. You have any brothers or sisters? Yeah, like I said, I've got a half-sister who's white. You ever throw a finger in her? No. Just a half-sister, guys. Come on. Just half a finger.

Half a finger? Said half a finger? There you go. There you go. It's not incest if it's only a half a finger. That's what I thought. What else? What else are you into?

What else? Any hobbies are you into? What else? Any hobbies or anything other than that? No, that's it really. Yeah, like I said, we see comedy shows. I saw Bill Bear in Manchester last year. We went to the Comedy Store in Manchester last month. Oh, the Comedy Store in Manchester. They have a Comedy Store here.

Yeah, they do. I think we've got one in Manchester and I think one in London. Oh. Very cool. Yeah. Very fucking cool. Very, very, very, very, very cool. I feel like you're getting bored of us, Tony.

Getting what? You're getting bored of us. Getting what of you? Bored. Bored. Yeah. Yeah. No, you know what?

I wasn't going to bring it up, but actually we got extremely sick today. All of us. All of us have been deathbed sick, and we probably shouldn't even have come out to do this. But we decided, you know, we actually never even questioned whether we should do it. We were just napping in the green room up until seconds before showtime. We've been shitting and throwing up continuously all day. Yeah, I puked on an airplane in a Ziploc bag. Yeah, and so we did this all for you guys,

so we've never felt worse. I'm also listening to this episode thinking of, what the fuck, what am I doing? I guess it affects me being I'm very rarely sick and I am I mean I'm just completely fucking out of it right now. Like I just have the words

Bradford and floor plans on this piece of paper here. There's nothing I can do with it. Like there's nowhere I can go. I was just going to keep saying that's so cool over and over again until we hit like 8 or 9 minutes or until Joel said something but since you brought up me seeming

bored I figured I would defend myself and tell you that I'm probably going to fucking die tonight here in Manchester all of us it's really really bad do you think you're going to pursue comedy after this? I think I can come out and try it again that felt really good

I think you definitely should out and try it again. That felt really good. I think you definitely should. You seem like you got it. We're going to let you go. I'll tell you this. When we come back to Manchester again, we'll give you a guaranteed spot next time. How about that? There you go.

Our new Manchester regular, Lewis. One word name. One last name is in the bucket. I got it right here in between my fingertips. This is it. You guys ready to finish this puppy pie or what? Come on. Is it really did me telling you that we're all deathly sick

really affect you that much? All right. Make some noise for Guy Black. Guy Black. That's interesting. Hey, everybody. My name is Guy Black, but my driver's license, my passport And most strangers all call me Black Guy A lot of people think it's a stage name or something But it's not I was actually named after my dad's description I don't even know why they called me that either Because my man's brother, whoever he was before me

His sister was white. I was born super white. I had straight blonde hair, baby blue eyes, a tiny little penis. As time's going on, slowly I'm getting a bit blacker. Like you were saying, I'm getting black points, so I've got the big black afro, the dark chocolate eyes,

and rhythm. the dark chocolate eyes and uh rhythm still waiting on that dick speaking of my dick right girls girls never tell me that it's the biggest that they've had

but like three have told me it's the smoothest thank you fuck yeah it's the biggest that they've had. But like three have told me it's the smoothest. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Guy Black, ladies and gentlemen. That was set of the night. That was great. Your father, Will Smith,

is very proud of you right now. My mom actually genuinely told me he was my real father growing up. Really? Really. Who told you that? My mom. Really?

Yeah. Will Smith's your dad. How long did she keep that lie going for? Until I was like seven, eight. Wow. Was that sad for you to find out that he wasn't your dad? Yeah. Like, God damn it, Mom.

Yeah. Wow. He saw the Just the Two of Us music video, and he was like, oh, no. Hell, yeah. So you are Guy Black, and you are a black guy. Slightly. That's the thing. You have black guy hair, the same skin tone as Louis,

but we'll let that slide. Not much darker than Louis, who is just up here, but he has a Caribbean dad. Is your dad in your life? A bit more than his. What? More than his. More than his.

You hear that? Take that loose. You're wearing a sweatsuit. You seem very comfortable up here. You dress comfortable all the time. Yeah, that's your thing. What do you do for a living? I just started in a warehouse at FedEx.

FedEx warehouse. What did you do before that, before this job? I was doing house and office removals, so moving everything. Huh. Hell yeah. Let's talk about your smooth dick. Is that true? Do you really have a smooth dick?

Has somebody told you that you have a smooth dick? Yeah, like three people. Really? They say that it's smooth? Approach the bench. One of them is going to suck it right now. No. Are they talking about a girl touches it and they're like, oh my god, your dick is so smooth.

Like that. That's what you're saying. It's soft and no veins. And also it wears sunglasses and plays a little saxophone. So smooth. Hell yeah. It's got a picture of Santana and Rob Thomas on it. My goodness.

Do you play any music? A little bit of guitar. Yeah, a little bit of guitar. What songs do you know? Just anything with chords. Anything with what? Chords. Just play chords.

Chords. He plays chords. Chords. Chords. I'm from Leeds next to Bradford, so we're northern as well. Where are you from? Leeds. He's next to Bradford, so I'm real close to the other guy.

Okay. How far is Leeds from here? Like an hour. Okay. Did you take the train today? Yeah. Yeah. That's fun.

Anything crazy happen on the train? No. Real boring train ride. Real boring train ride. What kind of penal care do you use for your smooth dick? Mostly cocoa butter. I didn't want to say it, but... Wow.

You guys are really leadsing the witness right now. Leadsing the witness. They got a boo from the audience. We are fading away. I've never seen the opposite of a Joel Berg chant happen before. And Manchester's like, yeah, we're done here. Yeah. Little fun fact, Joel Berg's the only one out of us that isn't deathly ill.

I'm starting to feel it right now. Man, Guy Black, tell us something else interesting about you. What makes you different than the other people that we've seen here tonight? I'm English. Like, most people aren't even English. You hear that? Take that. He's English. Fucking Germans.

Scottish. Yeah. English through and through. You ever have any race issues? People ever racist to you? Yeah. I lived in a place called Garforth in Leeds, which is like an old mining town, and they're super, super racist.

I used to go to a college there, and I stepped outside, and it literally was called the N-word as soon as I stepped out of the college. But what was the tone? Look at this happy little. In fact, yeah, I wish. There was a woman from a chip shop on a train

who said, there ain't no black in the Union Jack. Go back. Wow. And you're like, your rhyme skills are dope. Yeah. Heck yeah. It's a mining town. Couldn't you just say you're just in the mines all day?

Never seen a racist hip-hop artist before. Guy, what is the blackest thing about you? Is there something that you do that you're like, God damn, am I a black guy sometimes? Yeah, when you look in the mirror, what is the trait that you're like, it feels good to be black today? You ever find yourself singing in the shower like, It's my favorite part of tonight's show.

It was right there. You can't see Tony's literally sliding off of his seat. Yeah. You ever do anything that's super black? I only like white girls. Hey. Hell yeah.

Fuck yeah. Why? Why don't you like black girls? I don't know. I think I just see them like sisterly. Yeah. Damn right.

Sister, sister. Sister act. Yeah. What's your favorite type of white girl? You like redheads or brunette, blonde? Redheads and blondes. Redheads and blondes. Hell yeah.

And they like you, too. I hope so. You're damn right. Those dirty, dirty hoes. You know what I'm saying? Describe what the women looked like who said that you had a smooth dick. Those redheads? No, she was brunette.

Oh, yeah. Better than saying that you have a rough dick. Like, oh, this feels like cobblestone. Herps. What's your favorite thing about redhead girls? The white skin

Yeah it's so white It's just like oh you fucking bitch I can see the veins in your tits I hate that Oh my god I used to have the biggest crush When I was like 11 or 12 I used to have the biggest

It was like one of my first real crushes on this redheaded girl at this roller skating rink that I used to go to every Saturday. And she was the fastest roller skater, man. And she had her own skates. She had the thick wheels. She would just fucking glide, right? Hot, redheaded 12-year-old, as weird as that sounds. But back then, i was 12 too and uh and she was the first girl that i knew that started dating a black guy like i saw her skating one day

with a black guy and like the black guy was skating backwards like holding her hands and he had like cool roller skates too right and it was like was like, he could obviously skate fast. And I'm like, fuck, this is where racism began for me. I can pinpoint it to that guy that fell in love with the girl that I had a big crush on. You ever roller skate? No, not really. Wow. All right, Guy Blackwell, thank you so much. Fun times, great set. There he goes, not really. Wow. All right, Guy Blackwell.

Thank you so much. Fun times. Great set. There he goes, Guy Black. Thank you. Thank you guys so much. I'm sorry that we, I mean, I think we had fun still, right? That was an episode of Kill Tony.

It's the first episode. A little fun fact for you, for those of you that are diehard fans. First episode ever, ever, ever of this show in which I was sick. First episode ever in which multiple of us were sick. And first episode ever in which multiple of us were sick, and first episode ever in which three of us were sick. Pretty fucking crazy. We got a little 24-hour bug of some kind, perhaps, hanging out with those dirty Irish fucks last night, perhaps. Maybe it was from just flying Ryanair.

Who knows? But I'm glad that we stuck with it. I'm glad that you guys made it out tonight. I'm glad that you hung out with us and stuck with us. Hell yeah. So that's fucking awesome. I had a blast with you guys. Make sure you try out Infinite CBD and Caveman Coffee.

How about another hand for the great Jeremiah Watkins, everyone? out Infinite CBD and Caveman Coffee. How about another hand for the great Jeremiah Watkins, everyone? He's got an unbelievable podcast called Jeremiah Wonders, where he does characters and a bunch of fun stuff. Jeremiah, what else is going on? Yes, Russell Peters is my guest

next week on Jeremiah Wonders. International superstar, Russell Peters. And then follow me on social media if you're not doing so already, at JeremiahStandUp, and I'll be out in the lobby selling some CDs and Kill Tony stickers and stuff if you want to grab some. There you go. There you go, selling posters. We got Ryan J. Ebelt limited edition posters, so that's a cool thing.

Any that they're going to sell out in London tomorrow, so make sure that if you get a chance to snag one here. How about another hand for the great and powerful Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everyone. There he is. Wow. Powerful. I mean, what a dream come true, guys.

Shout out to Ludwig Drum. Shout out to Menchie Music. I feel sick again. No, you don't. You're not sick. You canchie Music. I feel sick again. No, you don't. You're not sick. You can't say that. I'm feeling hot. I'll be selling my bug out in the lobby if you want to catch it.

Yeah, I have Tony Hinchcliffe pins with my face and my name on them. If you want to catch the bug that I have, come up to me and touch me or whatever. Who can say that you got sick from one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world? the bug that I have, come up to me and, like, touch me or whatever. You know? Who can say that you got sick from one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world? It's good weight loss. My sickness is gone. Come say hello. Yes, no, it's true.

We're, yeah, we're fine. We're on the recovery mode. I don't think it's contagious anymore. Do nothing, lady. How long is a, how long are you contagious with a bug? There you go. I love it. There you go. Still sticking to the

name and doing nothing out there. I love it. Brian Redband we did it. This is Manchester, England. Thank you guys. Good night. Love you. I told you to do YouTube