KILL TONY - KILL TONY #327 - LONDON

Episode Date: February 22, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 02/16/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every single episode of Kill Tony, past episodes, video portions of the show. You can search for guest names, DeathSquad.TV. Also, click on tour dates when you're there. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the Road Famous Comedy Store, but we're all over the place. We're on a world tour. We're going everywhere. We're going to Philadelphia March 21st. A second show has been added because the first one sold out. April 11th, breaking news.

We are going to be in northern New York, in West Nyack, New York, on April 11th. Then, proud to announce, Kill Tony Mania 2. It goes on sale this Friday at 10 a.m. And that's Friday, February 22nd. You got Kill Tony Sacramento. We're doing two shows there. October 16th and 17th. And then October 18th and 19th

we're back at Cobb's Comedy Club where we did the original Kill Tony Mania but we're doing four shows. October 18th we're doing two shows and October 19th we are doing two shows. Those tickets go on sale this Friday at LiveNation.com, February 22nd at 10 a.m. So check out DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates for all the links. TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony. Check him out. He has tour dates and all the other stuff at TonyHinchcliffe.com.

Also, Ryan J. Ebelt. He's the house artist. He draws every episode. He has a brand new poster. It's amazing. Check out RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. There you can get the official Kill Tony t-shirt and Death Squad merchandise.

There's only a few left. So if you want the Kill Tony shirt, number two, get it now before it's gone. Alright, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from London, England for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get out for Tony Hedgeclad. London, England, make some fucking noise. Hell yeah. Let these people around the damn world know what's going on. Brighton Red Band's here, everybody. What's up, guys? We're here. It's Kill Tony live from London, England.

How exciting is this, buddy? This is great. We're feeling a lot better than last night, aren't we? Yeah, we got a little bug in Ireland, I'll be honest with you. We were probably at about 40% for Manchester. So if you came to this show, you came to the correct show, everyone. We are back. We've had a solid meal today. We had coffee today, things we weren't able to do yesterday. Those dirty Irish fucks gave us something special.

It's good to be here in a nice, clean environment like London, England. I love that they laughed at that. I don't think that was supposed to be a joke Is this a dirtier city than I thought? Okie dokie Very good We're here at the Bloomsbury Theater A little fun fact for you The bar is going to be open all night So if you wanted any point to grab another drink

They asked if we wanted to keep the bar open I'm like, we're not that fancy of a show If the people want another drink Get the fuck up and have another drink Why not? You know, that's our policy. And, you know, it's good to have that type of insurance in life where you can go have another drink if you want it. Speaking of which, life insurance is one of those topics that everyone knows a little bit about.

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Just a little reminder, you can always go to InfiniteCBD.com, use the promo code TONY15 and save 15%. Some of you have anxiety and aches and pains once in a while, right? Okay, there you go. And how Some of you have anxiety and aches and pains once in a while, right? Okay, there you go. And how many of you like coffee? Sure. Caveman Coffee. Use the promo code KILTONI. Save 15% there too. Just a couple shout-outs. Not even paid ads. These are little bonuses just because we believe. These are our friends. Exactly.

We believe in their products. We use them regularly. Another little fun fact, I'm at the Soho Theater doing one-man shows. I'm all by myself all week, Monday through Saturday. Still tickets available. I know. I'm shocked myself and embarrassed.

Monday through Saturday, every single night this week at 9.30, I'm at the Soho Theater all by myself. They have a big picture of me outside and everything. That's how that works. Let's get right into this thing, shall we? You excited about this at all? We're live. So, you know, that's how that works. So let's get right into this thing, shall we? You excited about this at all? We're live, London, England.

We're the number one live podcast in the world. It's only our first and only night in London. Pretty exciting. We, as usual, will go guestless tonight. Of course, the great and powerful Jimmy Carr has been on this show numerous times. We asked him if he could make it tonight. He's busy filming something. You know, he's like your fucking, he's your like Barack Obama, right?

He's super busy all the time. So exciting stuff, though, is normally on the road show we don't have a guest anyway. These things are so chaotic and so much fun to meet new fucking wild crazy people that we just blast through it. My manager, literally my management company is based out of London, who I've always been with, and he's like, you know, there's plenty of other great British comedians that we could get you. We could get you literally anybody other than Jimmy Carr. I'm like, fuck that. The fuck out of here.

Oh, you know what I thought? It's Dibbity Bop. The fuck out of here with that shit. It's Jimmy Carr bus. The good news is we have a band on this show, ladies and gentlemen. You know, it's arguable whether we went over budget or not by bringing them all the way to Europe with us, but we fucking did it anyway. Shout out to Ryanair for making it all possible.

We love you, Ryanair. Thank you. Without you, we would still be in Manchester. No, I'm kidding. We took a train today. But we do have a band. They are the best damn band in the land. They commit to characters. Maybe this is your first time seeing the show. Maybe you're the girlfriend of a guy that has great taste in podcasts, and this is your first time

seeing the live show. So the band they commit to staying in character every episode we never know what they're going to be uh before the show they have their own separate dressing room here tonight so like they're you know they've gotten into character uh in dublin it was salvador the mariachi saxophone player and jolina that's pretty controversial whether uh you know a whole episode with Jolina doubling got. That was crazy. Last night they were God, I was so sick.

They were attorneys. Yes, they were attorneys last week, so fuck you, Manchester. Right? I don't know what they're going to be tonight. We're going to have a lot of fucking fun. They are the best damn band in the land. They're my favorite band in the world. Make some noise for them. It's the Kill Tony band.

Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Jimenez. Oh boy. We know these ladies for sure. This is the return of Feminist Stacey. Often confused for Feminist Tracy, she is back. You made it all the way to London?

Yeah, I'm glad to finally be in a country that's led by a woman. Feminist Stacey, this is so exciting. And what's your name name you little blue-haired mexican smurf i'm feminist macy feminist macy i'll have to remember that one i'm gonna write that down feminist macy uh this is exciting uh how do you feel about being in england empowered wow a little fun fact i don't know where Joel Jimenez went, but he's the only one that didn't get that filthy bug that we got. Literally, Red Band, me, and Jeremiah, all sick as dogs. So if you ever needed proof that Joel is Mexican, that's it.

Their people don't get sick from things like that. They drink puddle water and whatnot. We should also say that we're really sore. Anytime we laugh, it hurts. Yes, it really does, especially Red Band. I puke the most. Yes, he has a soft stomach in more ways than one. So we have the band up here, Feminist Stacy, Feminist Macy, Red Band and I.

And look at this. I have a picture of names. It appears as though about 20 people signed up for tonight's show. Weird thing about Europe, less sign-ups than any American or Canadian city. A lot of people like, I think they're like, oh, I could do fucking better than that. And then they show up and they're like, oh, I'll see how

everybody else does. Hey, look at that. There's a girl in the audience with the same hair as Feminist Macy. This is very exciting. Stand up and wave to the crowd real quick, lady. Come on. Don't be shy. Come on. Stand up. Stand up. Hey, look at that.

I love it. What a good looking bitch. So you guys probably know how it works. I pull a name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted to do stand-up comedy. Comedy of any kind, really. We had a guy in Dublin do fucking poetry, and he laid it down. The guy didn't even have eyebrows, and he was able to have a good set.

After that, we interview you. We talk with you about your life, maybe find out some juicy details that makes you a little bit different than everybody else that's ever been on the show before. You know your 60 uninterrupted seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. We brought the bear with us, folks, all the way

from Los Angeles. When we got here today we actually had to go find him. We had to drag him out of Soho area. Tony, did you see what my shirt says? Yeah, what does it say? It says, warning, my sense of humor may hurt your feelings wow my god you are a flat chested chick

if I've ever seen one before oh is it all about big tits with you Tony yeah why are feminists always like flat chested free the nipple Tony oh hey once again proof that he's Mexican look at those purple nips.

My God. Jeez, this looks like two Jupiters next to each other. Ha ha. All right. So we got everything explained. We have the bucket, the band, red band. We ready to do this thing, London, England? It's live.

We're here. All right. Heck yeah. Fuck yeah. Look at that. We got the bouncer up there sitting all by himself in the top right corner. And it's the two old guys from the Muppets, too. Hell yeah. Up in the Abraham Lincoln booths up there. That joke doesn't work here. You don't know what the fuck that means. That's so funny. He was an American president that got shot in the Abraham Lincoln booths up there. That joke doesn't work here. You don't know what the fuck that means. That's so funny.

He was an American president that got shot in the back of his head while in the upper deck of a theater. He was one of our best presidents. I know you guys probably don't like American history because you once almost had us. Then we had to beat your ass. You remember that? Revolutionary War, we strike on Christmas like savages. Alright, enough of the locker room talk. Let's get on with the show.

Like savages. Okay, here we go. You guys ready to start this bitch? It looks like this. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight goes by the name of Mike Carrington. Here we go. Here he comes, right down the middle. Look at that. Stairway's right over

there, folks. Remember that for the whole show. It's the only way up. Don't try to be funny and climb up later. Here he is. Fuck yeah. Come on, one more time for your first comedian, Mike Carrington. Fuck yeah.

So let's talk about hemorrhoids and how I currently have them. So yeah, the only reason I put my name in the bucket was to get a few minutes to stand up because I was in quite a lot of pain. You guys did take a long time to come out. I mean, it did say half-saved on the ticket. And also, hemorrhoids is really...

Currently, yes. It really started to affect my relationship just after one day. I chose to get suppositories to cure that shit. And my girlfriend really wants to put her finger up my bum, but I don't let her because because I'm not into that, and she was really jealous when she watched me put a suppository up my bum.

That's it. Thank you. Are you through? No, I'm done. Thank you. Done? Yeah, yeah. There you go. That's a minute. And that is Mike Harrington. Adorable.

Thank you. Man, that's interesting. You really have hemorrhoids? Yeah, I currently have hemorrhoids. Boo-hoo, you have one little hemorrhoid. I have a period every week. Every week? Every week?

What the fuck? Yeah, every week. Feminist. Stacey. Oh, Jesus. I'm on another level. Wow. Tony, can I just say Charlie Brown has grown up into a sexy young adult.

Let it begin. Joel Berg finding his rhythm early here in London, England tonight. I love it. Wow. How do you get hemorrhoids? I don't even know how a normal human really gets them. Just eating weird shit, I guess. Oh, yeah.

Holding the microphone with too many hands? Sorry, sorry. Is there really some things you can put up your ass to help it? Like suppository? Oh, Redman's excited. I actually wanted to talk about this. Oh, this works? I'll take a large black dildo, please.

So what have you been putting up your butt? Just like a little thing you take out of a pocket. It smells a bit like Listerine. Wow, you smell it before? Okay, Brian, very good. Yes, for you three-year-olds listening to the podcast, that one was for you. Tony, that was me. So you smell it before putting it in.

Do you smell it after you put it up your butt as well? No, it disappears. Oh, it dissolves. Oh, really? You just leave it up there like a little breath mist or something like that? This is awesome. I've never known about this. Wow.

You have hemorrhoids? I have an internal one that comes out once a month. It's my man period. Wow. What is it? I've got it on me a bit. Well, I'd hate to burst your bubble, but... It's already been burst.

Oh. All right. Is that true? Did your girlfriend really watch you put a suppository up your bum? Yeah, yeah. Why would she have let her? This morning. Yeah?

And last night, yeah. After we got home from the show in Manchester. Oh, you were in Manchester. Yeah, yeah. I. Yeah, unless late last night. Yeah after we got home from the show in Manchester Oh you were in Manchester Okay, I remember you know wait what'd you what'd you say I got a photo with you. Oh you did Wow I didn't I didn't you get a haircut since then Just play me man So Mike tell us something about you from here in London. No, I'm from Leeds. So, Mike, tell us something about you. Are you from here in London? No, I'm from Leeds.

Oh, there you go. There's a few Leeds fans. Yorkshire. Yeah, sure. I love England all booze each other when they're from different cities. It's like you guys are the size of one of our U.S. states. And it's like, fuck you. You're from down the road, you idiot.

You're 20 minutes away, fucking loser. It doesn't make any sense to us whatsoever. Boo, boo you. Boo you, we probably drink from the same water line. Fuck you. I've never heard a place more divided with the name United in their teams. Holy shit. So, Mike Carrington.

It could be called the United Queendom, but we'll get onto that later. So, Mike, what do you do for work? I work at the oldest pub in Leeds. Shout out to White Lock Salehouse. Wow, the oldest pub in Leeds.

And you gave them a shout out. So Lock Salehouse. Wow, the oldest pub in Leeds and you gave them a shout out. So what do you do at the pub? Sling pints and serve foods. Hell yeah. Do you think You're making it sound way cooler than it actually is. The hand gestures

don't make your pay go up any. It doesn't. I fucking sling and fucking throw. You know what I mean? So you are a bartender? Yeah. Hell yeah. I love that you gave the bar a shout out

after talking about having hemorrhoids for eight minutes. I'm pretty sure they're going to be like, wow, we have a guy in the food and beverage industry that just has pus coming out of his asshole. There's no pus involved, man. There's no pus? No, no.

No? What are the effects? It's like piles. You know the piles? Piles? Just a little vein, you know, and it gets like... What the fuck's piles? Is that another British city that people don't like?

You're from Leeds. I'm from piles, you idiot. Fuck you. What's piles? It happens. What's piles? What's piles? Hemorrhoids. Oh, it's the same thing?

It's the same thing. People call it piles. Same thing, right? Oh, man. You guys all look janky assholes. I had no idea that I worked this closely with you. It's coming, Tony. I got mine when I was 40.

I didn't know that you had gang terms for hemorrhoids in London. Piles. Again with the hand gestures. How long have you been a bartender for? Since May. Wow. What did you do before that? I was a graphic designer. Oh, very good. There you go. You went from

the most boring job to one of the most interesting ones. That's true. I fucking hate it. Anything crazy you've seen at the bar that you've been bartending at? You had to break up any fucking boondock saints-like brawls or anything like that? There's a guy that comes in the yard sometimes

and he's infected with HIV and he has needles. Oh, yeah. Needles, by the way, another city just outside of London. I'm from Needles. Fuck you. We're going to beat you in soccer this year. All right. So he has Needles.

He has HIV. He tries to stab people with his Needles. He tries to stab you with his Needles. No, not me. It's happened before. He tried to stab someone in the bar. Yeah, my manager tackled him to the ground once, and all this pus started to come out of his leg.

And he had to disinfect the yard. It was fucking gross. Oh, my God. We had it on CCTV. Jesus Christ. once and all this pus started to come out of his leg and we had to disinfect the yard. It was fucking gross. We had it on CCTV. Jesus Christ. It should be on HIV TV. He's not in Leeds anymore, apparently. If anyone's from Leeds, don't be scared. I think he's in prison or some shit.

Right. He's where people with HIV go. Obscurity. My goodness. Mike, tell us something else interesting about you. Any fun facts about you? Last night we had a guy on the show that can solve any Rubik's Cube in 40 seconds.

No, I'm not into Rubik's Cubes. Just a pretty regular guy. Smoke a bit of weed, you know. Play some guitar. Smoke a little bit of weed and blow it out your ass right Tony I like that

you don't meet just regular guys anymore everybody's like into some shit now right everybody's got like hobbies and fun things that they like to do

not this guy he's just a regular guy I like it so hot I brought my girlfriend to the show last night she fucking loved it she's gonna start listening to it

yeah where's your girlfriend at is she here tonight she's at home she's going out on a night out. Oh, she's getting fucked right now by somebody. Hell yeah. She's cheating on you. She's like, can I get fucked by someone that doesn't have fucking suppositories up his ass?

Yo, where's your boyfriend at right now, huh? Oh, wait. Did you make him a black guy? Of course I am. Wow, that's your black guy impression? Brian's black guy impression sounds like every rapper from the 80s. Yes, it's about to go down. A skippity-skap and a dippity-dap.

Okay. His girlfriend just walks into a pub and she's like, does anybody have any hobbies? Anyway. All right, Mike. Well, it was a pleasure meeting you. Thanks for popping our cherry here tonight. First comedian up. Anyway Alright Mike Well it was a pleasure meeting you Thanks for popping our cherry here tonight First comedian up

Mike Carrington Go grab a pint At Leeds' oldest bar Say hi to Mike Carrington What was that song? Girls just wanna to have fun, you idiot. Sidney Lauper heard of her? She's from a different period.

Not recently, yeah. All right, make some noise for your next comedian. One word name. Make some noise for Noah, everyone. Here he is, Noah. Oh, coming from this side. All the way down there, Noah. There you go.

Hell yeah. This guy's walking in like he's about to fight in the UFC. Look at this fucking tough guy. There he is. Come on, one more time for Noah, everyone. You're right, I am tough. I don't enjoy orgies anymore because I spend the whole time wondering which of these

ten people is going to be to me. The ratio of men to women is off as well. Guys are disgusting. You can get them to do anything. Do you have any idea how hard it is to organize a female bukkake party? Guys, you can just get them off the street, you know.

You don't have to pay them for it. Do you mind if we film you whilst you and six other guys wank on this woman's chest? Boy, do I! Do I? I don't think it's fair that disabled toilets have that little cushion bit, because they're already sitting down for their whole lives. All right, that's it. That's all I got. Oh, yeah, there you go.

58 seconds of thunder. Hey. Boom, boom. So Noah, let's talk about it. First time doing stand-up? Yeah. Hell yeah. Stand-up comedy is a lot like your nipples.

Harder than you think. Oh, fuck me. Don't cover those things up. Show this audience those hard nips. You'd be proud of those. There isn't a shirt in the world that can hold these nipples. You need to start wearing a bra, my friend. You need to cover those fucking puppies up.

What do those look like under the shirt? Why don't you lift them up? Show this crowd. Free the nipple. Wow, look at that. He's got little billiards balls at the end of his chest. Somebody on the front row just got their eyes poked out. What?

By your nipples. Anyway. Idiots. So Noah, was that about porn the first bit? Gang bangs or porn? What was that about? I see what you're saying. No, I don't enjoy orgies anymore.

Orgies. Yeah, yeah. And what was your take on it? Well, because you don't enjoy orgies anymore. Orgies. Yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. And what was your take on it? Well, because you don't know the next week who's going to meet you out of the ten people. Right, right. You could say something like, meet ten. Ten, yeah.

Meet ten you. Yeah. It'd be funnier if... Oh, fuck you. It'd be funnier with, like, my delivery and setup. Yeah, you do it then. I'm just giving you notes. No, I'm not going to do it. Hey, you going to take my setup, mate?

Mate? Have you ever been really in an orgy before? No, I haven't. When's the last time you had sex? A couple days ago. With your girlfriend? Where is she? Look at that little prime minister.

Nipples and all. Don't ever say that. That's so creepy. Nipples and all. Don't ever say that. That's so creepy. Nipples and all. Nipples and all. What kind of sex did you guys have? Regular bedroom? Fucked up shit. Really? Tell us about it.

Yeah, I came in 30 seconds and cried for two minutes. Is this true? Wow, it actually is true. Why'd you cry? Happy tears. It's emotional. It was our anniversary.

Oh, really? No, I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. I see what you did there. That's interesting. How long have you two been together? About three years.

About three years. Hell yeah. I didn't realize that word began with an F. Yeah. You fucking weirdos out here, I'll tell you. It's a little shit that we just would never understand. It's like, oh, that's why we're the most powerful country in the world,

because they can't even say the word three still. Three. Fucking three years? All right. So, Noah, where'd you meet her at? A club. Yeah, what kind of club? Dance club. Dance club.

Dance club. Was it the oldest bar in Leeds? Were you stabbing people with your HIV needles? Tony, it was a billy club. He hit her over the head and he took her home. So she's a stripper? Hey-o, you fucking whore. No, I'm kidding.

So Noah, what did you say to her when you met her? What was your big pickup line? I didn't actually talk to her. Wow. I was friends of friends and then... She talked to you. She's like,

I'm going to go say something to that guy with the nipples over there. They're a statement. Yeah, they are. They're two periods. Put those things at the end of a sentence. I knew you were going to talk about the nipples.

You're damn right. You're damn right you knew that we were going to talk about it. Those nipples are aggressive, sir. If I had those things, I would have a strap of duct tape around my chest. I'd literally just fucking tape those things down. Those circle band-aids, that's why they're in the pack. That's why you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah.

If you, can you rub them, just make them, like, are they cold? Do they go away? They chafe, actually. Yeah? Yeah.

Red band with a little bit of giant nipple advice. He's a master of all fucking weird symptoms. Ah, hemorrhoids? I know all about it. All right, come on. You can put hemorrhoid cream

on that. Have you ever put hemorrhoid cream on you? I had a hemorrhoid once I'm young as well, I know How'd you get it? From playing on games on my phone too much or taking a shit

Really? That is the most honest answer I've ever heard What kind of games do you play on your phone? I don't anymore because I don't want hemorrhoids Wow, that's very good That might be the best way to get off your gaming addiction. Start doing it on the toilet. Is that true that the toilets out here have a

cushion on them? Is that what you said? The disabled ones do, yeah. Really? Yeah, it's not fair, is it? I already heard your joke, you son of a bitch. You're gonna do it again? This guy's doing callbacks already. That's interesting. In our country, they keep the toilet seats hard for the disabled people

It's like fucking suck it up bitch They don't give a fuck Have they always done that? Always cushions on the disabled ones? I haven't been around forever They have in my lifetime Very good Well with a name like Noah

I thought that you have been around forever Son of a bitch Fucking little attitude on this guy little fucking snapper you are I haven't been around

me whole life only about 34 years I'm not that old man Noah tell us something else interesting about you any other fun facts

about you other than your nips no no that's it what do you do for fun? What do you do for work? I work in a warehouse with my brother there. With my dad. We got the whole family. Look at this fucking twink over here.

Look at this guy. He signed up as well. This guy just blew me a kiss. He's your biggest fan. Really? Yeah, he's up there. He looks like my smallest fan from here. So what do you do for fun when you're not working in the warehouse? Get drunk, man. Enjoy the what?

Get drunk. Really? What's your drink of choice? Beer. Lager. Lager. Hell yeah, it is. What's the most you've ever drank in a night?

Ask her. Ask her, because I wouldn't remember. Don't go there. Hell yeah. Are you a bad drunk? Do you have any bad drunk stories that you did something horrible? Yeah, I get in fights and insult people.

What's your street fight record? Oh, mate, it's good. Give us a ballpark of what you think it might be. I'd say it's 3-0 in legitimate fights. 3-0. 3-0. There was no contest. Were you0. No, no, no.

There was no contest. There was no contest. Were you on the receiving end of that no contest? It was downwards elbow. You took an elbow to the head? 12 to 6. Yeah. And you got knocked out?

No, no, no. So you only fight women, right? It was like John Jay. That's interesting. So you're pretty good at fighting? Do you have any training or anything like that? Wow. You used to fight what?

Men. Wow. Jesus Christ. Oh, are women not good enough to get in the ring with you? I will go ten rounds. Heck yeah. It's going to be a bloody warfare, mostly because she's on her period right now.

All right, Noah. Well, I mean, we got more names to get through. Fun times. Congratulations. It's his first set ever. Noah, everyone. It's just another brick in the wall. Hell yeah.

A little special London playlist, it sounds like, coming from the Kill Tony band tonight, huh? A little fun fact, my favorite artist and band of all time, Pink Floyd, my biggest artistic inspiration from right here in London. I don't know. I'll have to do some stuff this week, go find out where they've hung out before or whatever. I don't know what letter that is.

It might be an O, so I'm going to just take a guess here and say that this name says Ollie White. Is that right? Ollie White? Maybe Allie White? Maybe it's a G? Gilly White? Oh, here we go. Someone's coming.

That's just a random chick. Here he is. Ollie White, everybody. One more time for Ollie White. Come on. Hi, how you doing? All right. People say, you're right, Ollie Paul. And I say, I'm all right, Paul. But I don't know why, because I'm not from Scotland.

I must be honest, I'm not from Wales Wales either I've only been a couple of times but a minute is a very long time to prepare for ever since Tony said they were coming after I've been hounding him on Instagram for months and months come to England, come to England I thought how am I going to practice I'll practice while I'm making sweet sweet love

to my lovely wife that'll give me a good minute. And I'm pleased to say I've not bought out the angry West Hollywood bear once. And she finds it very funny. But, yeah. So, what else could I tell you about? Yeah, we're doing well. We've just had a little baby boy.

He's six months. He's a prick. He's a prick. Don't you? He doesn't sleep. But nine times in a day I've changed him. I still haven't found one I like. But that'll do.

Thank you very much. Ollie White. Am I saying that correctly? Ollie White? Ollie White? Ollie. Oliver. Okay, very cool.

So Ollie is short for Oliver. That's right, yeah. Hell yeah, but you don't go by Oliver because what? That's too polite and proper of a name for a guy like you? I don't want my mum to see, so she'll just be Googling Oliver White. Hell yeah. That wasn't funny. I had an inkling that wouldn't go down so well.

Well, your set was just all white too. Thank you. First time, first time. No, I know. just all white, too. Thank you. First time. First time. No, I know. Okay, Jesus. Relax, you son of a bitch. First time.

First time. Please, let everyone know. It's my first time. All right, it's his first time. There you go. Quick to make that excuse. I don't blame you. I talked about it.

The very first time I ever did stand-up, I talked about it being my first time ever immediately. Sorry. No, I really did. I'm not kidding. I blanked out onup. I talked about it being my first time ever immediately. No, I really did. I'm not kidding. I blanked out on everything that I had prepared for my very first set and talked about how it's my first time and I just

forgot everything that I practiced for months. But that was at the comedy store and I got a job there like a month later. You're doing well. I handled everything properly. Why are you dressed like your father? Did he dress you for tonight? Yeah.

Little Oliver. I put your clothes out for you. Ollie, you seem like such a polite gentleman. Am I right about this? You seem like a proper, you seem like a good guy. You have a decent job, nine to five or whatever. Well, I wouldn't go that far. But yeah, what do you do for work?

I'm a financial advisor. Financial advisor. Hello. Fucking nailed it. See, financial advisors can't even dress like normal people. It's like they even stand out. It's like, oh, I trust this guy with money. Okay.

Ollie White. You a big financial advisor for companies or are you just taking poor people's money? Well, I specialize in doctors, basically. Oh, wow. What makes you specialize in doctors? It's just our company policy. We stick to...

They've got some money, so we give them the opportunity to. Anybody that works in the hemorrhoids or nipples field? A lot of people with problems here tonight. I've got some contacts for you, so... I love it. So, Ollie, this is your first time doing stand-up. You seem like such a nice guy.

You talk about real stuff. How old's your baby? He was six months on Wednesday. He was six months, so now he's dead. Well... You speak about him in the past. I mean, I've been gone for two hours, so you never know. He's with my wife. Right, so he turned six months on Wednesday.

Oh, a woman can't care for your child? Is that what you're saying? Is that what you're saying? She does a fantastic job. Oh, good. My God. That's incredible. Six months, that's feminist Stacey.

That's 24 periods worth of Feminist Stacey time. Actually, I think my math is bad on that one. Anyway, so tell us more about you, Ollie. Anything interesting about you? Are your parents proper, too? What does your mom do? They're retired. They both retired. What did they do? She was a bookkeeper. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Nothing exciting. And he, my dad, he was the king. He was in the motor trade. I've got the driest mouth in the world. You do?

Yeah. You want some of my water? You want to prove it on me? You want a cap full of my water? Go on. Go on. Give me a cup. Here you go,

little Oliver. You might see me throw another cup of water. Here you go. Is that all for me? Thank you for coming to the oldest bar in Leeds. There you go, little Oliver. You might see me throw another couple of them. There you go. Is that all for me? Thank you for coming to the oldest bar in Leeds. There you go. Here's a little something for you.

Want another one, you crazy bastard? Here you go. There you go. Have another one. Throw it back. Look at this guy fucking party. Fucking cap full of water over here. Ollie knows how to get the party started.

Exactly. What's the craziest thing you've ever done? Like, what's a wild time to you back in the day? You have a six-month-old boy now. I have a six-month-old boy. Yeah, but back in the day, like, what was your thing? Like, you ever drink a lot? You ever get into a fight?

You ever... Yeah, I used to do Thai boxing. Oh, Thai boxing. Can you give us a little example of... Can you do some shadow boxing for us and perhaps show us? You can do it. You put the mic back in the mic stand and just go crazy for a little bit. Just show us.

Come on. Hold on. Wait one second. One second. Can we get a spotlight? Let's get some proper music for you. Yep. There you go. Fuck yeah. I guess that'll you. Yep, there you go.

Fuck yeah, I guess that'll work. Hell yeah. Anything, really. We might as well just try it. I'm sure something will fucking happen here. Step away from the talent, sir. All right, here he is, showing us a little bit of his... Showing us a little bit of his...

Yeah. He's jerking off two dudes. Sucking their dick. Go ahead. Keep going. Just don't listen to me. You keep doing your thing. Oh, there he goes.

Wow. Look at this. Yeah, come on. Keep going. They love it. Come on. Show us more. Get crazy, Ollie.

Hell yeah. How high can you kick? Show us your high kick. Come on, Ollie. Show us how high you can kick in the air. It's feminist Stacy's favorite thing. Can I just say something? That was pathetic.

And two, I would like to show you how a woman is better than this man in every way. All right, showing us her kung fu, the great feminist Stacey, everybody. Here we go. Here she is, the great feminist Stacey, everyone. Try to be nice because you're only a man. And a man's got to be nice. Try to believe that you're going to get through. Whoa, very controversial.

Feminist Stacey's wig fell off, exposing a different woman's hair underneath. Yeah, you look like a totally different girl when that wig falls off, Stacey. Oh, my God. Feminist Stacey's been a woman the whole time. Ow. Oh my god, it fucking hurts. Oh no, I just started another period. Oh, fuck

Hell yeah Ollie, I've always found that interesting First of all, let me tell you I love your, how about one more time for feminist Stacey, clearly coming in with a punch But Ollie, let me tell you, I love your fucking style Your Thai boxing clearly shows, I would bet my entire

life on the guy that was up before you beating your ass in a fight but uh but that's pretty exciting that you've been uh properly trained so have you been in a fight before you ever been in a street fight anybody ever been like you're supposed to be my fucking financial advisor and you stole my money do you know what there was uh there was actually a financial advisor in my area who was dealt with by a chap that was there before me who tried to hire a hitman on the dark web for the advisor that was, I think, believed there before me. And he's in prison now.

Oh, my God. No street fights. Let me ask you a question. How did they find out that he was there? Was it like they have undercover people that are like, sure, I'll fucking kill the guy. Yeah. I don't know the full details, but it was in the news google it interesting oh my god wow that is interesting what would we google financial advisor hitman dorset dorset

really that last word i think is the one that's going to uh it's going to bring up some answers for us on the search. Fuck yeah, Ollie. Well, dude, you know what? For a first time, that was pretty fucking pretty good, and you've been great during this interview process. Congrats on your newborn kid. Congrats on getting pulled out of the bucket.

What? Sure. I'm just getting over a little bug, so if you get sick, consider it a souvenir. Don't touch me, Red Band. We have a strict no-touching policy. It's a Harry Potter theme. That is English to us Americans. And we're going to be mean.

Something like that. I don't know. Hey, this guy got pulled out of the bucket yesterday, I believe, in Manchester, England, this lucky fuck. Put your hands together for Massey, everyone. Massey. It's the return of Massey. Is Massey here

again? Is there any truth to this? Is he up in the balcony? Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. All the way from the... Just jump, Massey. Just jump. Just jump. Massey, just jump Just jump There he comes Just follow the weird green men Follow the arrows

And this song is Here he is, Massey, everyone The return of Massey He got up in Manchester He's back again Here he is, Massey, everyone. The return of Massey. He got up in Manchester. He's back again. Took the virgin train to be here tonight. Tried to take its virginity.

Make some noise for Massey. Fucking knackered to walk all the way from fucking Nazareth to get on stage. So my name's Masi. It's an Iranian name. It means Messiah. So balls on my parents. How in love were they? They were so in love and they came so hard that they were like, I think we just made Jesus. No one stopped them either. Even the priest, he was like, I christened this baby. God! He's back. I told you he would be.

All right. If I could go back in time, I'd change that. I'd change my name. I'd also like to go back and find the younger version of myself. Because I used to be really awkward. I couldn't talk to girls. It took me years to get a girlfriend. Wasted a lot of time.

I'd like to go back, find that guy, sit him down, and suck his dick. No, don't need to waste any time anymore. Are you a pedo if it's your own dick? I don't know. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Cheers. Hell yeah, Massey. Two different sets, two different nights.

Here he is. He's back again. Hell yeah. You're looking a lot better today. You seem quite ill. Yeah different sets, two different nights. Here he is. He's back again. Hell yeah. You're looking a lot better today. Yeah, I am a lot better today. You poor fucks in Manchester. I literally feel bad for what happened there. It's like, hey, do we fucking cancel this show or do we plow forward?

So unfortunately, it's going to be on the internet for the rest of its existence. So avoid that episode if you get a chance. If you're listening to this episode, do not go back and listen to the Manchester episode. Listen to the next episode, which will be Bert Kreischer. That's going to be in LA in a week and a half. We've got a while for that one. London's

kidnapped me. Samassi, you are Iranian. This is something we didn't find out last night. Half Iranian, half English you are Iranian. This is something we didn't find out last night. Half Iranian, half English. Half... Arabian Nights? Close enough. You're half Iranian, half English.

Yeah. So how does that happen? Is your mom the Iranian one? No, my dad's. So your dad came from Iran here to England. Kidnapped your mom. Yeah. Your mom took a cab ride one night.

He's like, you're coming with me. I'm Iranian. This is my Iranian impression. Yeah, something like that. Right. How long were they together before they had you? You have brothers and sisters? Yeah, I've got a younger brother, yeah.

And they were together not very long, actually. You ever go visit Iran? I can't go back now. I'll have to do military service. Wow. Imagine that. together not very long actually you ever go visit iran i can't go back now i'll have to be military service so wow imagine that imagine going back there and having to join the iranian fucking military right she's like welcome back to iran first day you're gonna be fighting england welcome i went back when i was 12 and that was the last time i could go hell yeah i'm surprised i've seen 12 year old iranian military people too i'm surprised. I've seen 12-year-old Iranian military people, too. I'm surprised they didn't make you join then.

Did you have, like, a backpack that had a bunch of, like, you know, explosives in there and, like, a ripcord? Did you? Did you ever do that?

No, I actually, when I was younger, I was going through immigration into Iran in, like, the middle of the 80s, and I had a, you know, the A-team? I had a you know the A-Team I had like

the A-Team LP and they took it off me because they thought it was like American propaganda or something so it was like an hour long what are you queuing up hey shut up Massey how do you know we're queuing up anything what are you talking about you son of a bitch you're supposed to be a professional behind the scenes stay in the pocket just because it looks like we're eagerly You're supposed to be a professional behind the scenes. Stay in the pocket just because it looks like we're eagerly bringing a song up that I'm very excited about. They took the ATMLP off me, but I got it back. Apparently I kicked it. What was the question I asked you before?

I can't remember. Me neither. So other than that, what's something Iranian about you? Is it Iranian or Iranian? Iranian, I guess. Iranian? Americans say Iran. I say Iranian. Iranian.

Iranian. Iran? Iran. And Iran. Iran so far. There we go. We picked the part. Best part of the song to pick, the drum solo and the guitar solo.

I can't see it. I can't hear it. I know. Try to find it now, though, so that at least. I don't even know what the song was. The song has, like, no words. All right. All right.

Forget it. So I run. All right. Forget it no words. All right, all right, forget it. So I run. All right, forget it. Jesus, all that. Minute and a half of work for us to all laugh about it. That was a long buildup. No, I love it. Massey, do you really?

Yay! Hell yeah, London's getting turned up here. You should see all these polite people sitting here just wondering what the fuck we're trying to do. So do you really think you look like Jesus? Do you really think he was 5'6"? I think he was 5'10". Right, well, that's after he was on the cross. Right, yeah.

I get it a lot. I think as soon as you grow long hair or get a beard, most people call you Jesus. Really? Yeah, I think it happens to almost everyone. I think you look like a bloated Jesus. Like Jesus after he's had way too much wine and bread. You know what I mean?

Well, not a big laugh at that. Still a lot of believers in Jesus up here, huh? Yeah, you guys are still on that. Got your fucking churches everywhere. Yeah. Just do what you want. Confess on Sunday. No big deal.

What is... So you're Iranian and English. So where are you religion-wise? Like, where do you land? Do you ever go to a church and then sort of want to blow it up at the same time? Right. So I was christened, but I was also circumcised, so that was the better half of the deal. Christened, that's like

baptized. Baptized, yeah. My labia was so big, whenever I was born, I was circumcised. That's how much of a woman I am. There was excess skin. What was your pussy like when you were born, feminist man? It was a mess.

But I could do this now. Whoa, look at that. I think I saw some blue pubes pop out during that. My goodness. Massey, any other fun facts about you? Is it true that you would suck somebody's dick? Whose dick did you say you would suck during your sex? I think every man in this room would suck his own dick if he could

And time travel is the way you do that I tell you what Or flexibility I can touch my dick with my tongue And it's not It's like, that's gross That is the most ridiculous That's the most ridiculous lie I've ever heard you tell

I promise you Brian, you are as flexible as this picture right here Ridiculous. That's the most ridiculous lie I've ever heard you tell in my entire life. I promise you. Brian, you are as flexible as this picture right here. So either your dick is four feet long. What is that? What is that supposed to prove? By the way.

I can live my leg up. By the way, Brian nicknamed his forearm dick. You know, if it wasn't so gross to look at, I would show you guys later. So gross, pull out that four-foot-long, beautiful cock of yours. I can touch my dick with my tongue. Dick, man.

Oh, my God. I can't believe you ever said that out loud. Why? I think every guy's tried it, and I can just touch the tip of it with my God. I can't believe you ever said that out loud. Why? I think every guy's tried, and I can just touch the tip of it with my tongue. While I'm doing it, I'm like, why am I doing this? It's not as cool as I thought it was going to be. One day, here's a bet that we'll make right now. One day when we're super, super rich, if we're ever ridiculously rich,

like if we ever, I don't know what could possibly happen, but if we ever are, I will bet you $1 million. How about this? And all I want to see is, and what's going to happen is we're going to put a curtain up all the way so that it's just literally the tip.

And whatever way you want to do it, Tony, cut to Red Band having a secret dildo behind the curtain. No, no, no. We'll have a panel of judges. We'll have Jeremiah's wife, your wife, and my girlfriend watch. Yes, it'll be like the Last Supper. We'll all just sit on one side of a table and just watch you.

Tony, what if he has just a normal-sized penis with just a long tongue, and that's how he does it? No. Like it's like Venom. God damn it. That's the life hack. I. Like it's like venom. God damn it. That's the life hack. I know what it is. I'm just going to take

a photo of it and then cut out everything except the head and my tongue. Either you're shockingly flexible beyond belief. He's just going to

Photoshop Gene Simmons going down his throat. Your dick is ridiculously huge. So big that you would just leave it out all the time. You wouldn't even cover it up. That's normal, right?

Oh, my God. Okay, that's enough of this. I like finding out about these people's crazy things. I have to sit next to you during all these episodes. Oh, he has hemorrhoids and sucks his own dick. I have an 11-inch clit. Wow, post-circumcision, huh? Oh, he has hemorrhoids and sucks his own dick? I have an 11-inch clit. Wow. Post-circumcision, huh?

All right, Massey. Well, we talked to you last night. It was a fun interview today. Thanks for everything. There he goes, Massey, everyone. Hell yeah. Oh, shit. There goes Michael Bisping to go get a coffee right now.

Hell yeah. I feel like I have to prove it to you guys now. I feel like you think I'm lying. Oh, my God. No, we definitely don't think you're lying. The fact is that we've all tried that before, right? And, you know, I'm not going to say that I have a huge penis because I like people to like me.

You know what I mean? I can't give them one more reason. I always brag about other things. Seven inches is not huge. That's average size. You know what would be a I can't give them one more reason. I always brag about other things. Seven inches is not huge. That's average size. You know what would be a good way to measure this? Is if we just had you get your crotch seven inches close to your face, I guess, right? Yeah.

How do we do that? Should we do that right now? Center stage, big boy. Center stage. Get up here. You're hiding behind a table. Come on, red band. For the first time ever, fully exposed.

Oh, my God. Who's videotaping this? What do we have here? It's all... Hold on, wait. Get over there. Measure seven inches from his crotch to his, is this seven inches, you think?

Let's see how close. So you put it against, it has to be against the base of his crotch, not the tip of his penis, remember that. We have to go from the root of the penis to, now that's like five inches. Let's see. What is he... Go on. Make some fucking noise for Red Band.

You know what? I believe you now. You just saved me one million dollars. He's a lot more flexible than I thought he was. There you go. He got within seven inches if we're talking about an English exchange rate or something like that. Yeah.

It was more like 16 inches. I think he was cheating, though, because I think he thought that the actual drumstick was an actual ice cream drumstick. So his vertebrae released from his head and he got way closer to it than he ever would have before. Wait, Brian, when you do it, do you do it like that sitting down? Huh? I just lay on my bed and do it. He just does it on the toilet. Huh?

Right. Right. Yeah! Suck that cock. Ew. But if he does that, a bird might fly into his hemorrhoid. Winnie the Pooh over here.

A Pooh bird. Okay, I pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun here tonight or what? I know we are. It feels good to be healthy. I honestly I sort of feel like we might be even 20% stronger than 100 because we're sort of in full recovery mode from having the ankle weights on last night

in fucking Sickville. Make some noise for your next comedian, James Nungy. James Nungy. Nungy. James Nungy. We have visuals on James. Oh, here we go. Nope.

That just got to take some shit. Somebody else running the wrong way. There's shit. People are just leaving at this point, confusing us. Is he up there? You got a James Nungy up there? Yep. Any second now, James Nungy is going to walk out of one of these doors.

It's very exciting. It could happen at any given second. Really? Are we going to have to blacklist somebody in London, England? Is it possible that you went from the front room to here being like, oh, fuck this shit. I'm scared to death. Is this James right here? Nope.

All right. I'm blacklisted. Is he coming? Did he accidentally go up instead of down from the balcony? Okay. Blacklisted. He's blacklisted. That's it. Put your hands together. He's blacklisted.

He'll never get to be on this show again. Ever. He just blew his chance. Is that James? Are you James Nungi? No. That's so weird. Okay, make some noise for Lee Hudson, everyone. Lee

Hudson. Here he is. Here comes Lee. Yeah. Come on, one more time for Lee Hudson. So my mum's a dinner lady, doesn't work in a school. That's just her favourite meal time. I'm still not over the death of Stephen Hawking. That guy was a huge inspiration to me. Not for his contribution to the world of theoretical physics, but because he lived to the age of 76

without doing a day of cardio. without doing a day of cardio. I think you need to be very wary of people who don't have kids but like to use the phrase as smooth as a baby's bum. I became aware of pornography at a very young age, and it's a good job I wasn't ever molested, because I think I would have been the first kid to tell a pedophile to spit on it. Wow! Look at that!

Holy shit! That's a weak call. Fuck yeah, right there, sir. Hell yeah. This is not your first time on stage at all. No, it's not. How long have you been doing stand-up? It'll be two years tomorrow.

Wow, you're fabulous. Those are unbelievably great jokes. Yeah. Really funny, especially that last one. I fucking love it. Let me ask you about the first one, though. You said your mom's a dinner lady. You have a fat mom?

She's getting there. When you say dinner lady, she doesn't work at a school. You guys call lunch ladies dinner ladies here? We do, yeah. It makes no sense, but we do. That is so weird, because it's for lunch, right? Yeah. But you really call them dinner ladies.

We do, yeah. Even though you only eat lunch with them. Correct. You call it lunch? Yes. And you call lunch lunch. Yep. So when you eat lunch at a school, it's dinner.

But if you eat it anywhere else, it's lunch. I didn't make the rules. I didn't make the terminology. If you go have dinner and the person that comes to your table, you call that the breakfast lady? I have no idea. You look like you might have some idea. It's fair. So you've been doing stand-up for two years.

Fucking, I mean, truly unbelievably great written jokes. One of my favorite performances in many episodes, not to mention our Europe trip. I mean, really great jokes. That's the fucking thing of this show, is come out guns a-blazin' with some fucking tight material, and you definitely have that. You talking about his pants? Yeah. That's the fucking thing of this show, is come out guns a-blazin' with some fucking tight material, and you definitely have that.

You talking about his pants? Yeah. You're wearing skinny jeans, but... Not on you. Yeah, not so much. A little bit of a husky build on you. Let me guess. I like my food. I'm on the Red Band diet.

Yeah, you have the kind of build of a guy that guess i like my food i'm on the red band diet yeah you have the kind of build of a guy that can uh touch the tip of his penis with his tongue uh lee what is uh what's something athletic that you do do like what you you you have a workout i used to play football obviously not anymore um yeah used to play basketball as well. Not anymore. Wow. I cannot picture you playing basketball at all. My goodness. His position was bench. Pretty much. Wow.

Lee, what do you do for work? I am an analyst in corporate finance. Yep. Yep. It's as boring as it sounds, yeah. Yep. Did I see you in those Mac vs PC commercials a while ago quite possibly

maybe you can give our old friend Ollie some advice on not dressing like a person in finance when he goes out at night you go undercover pretty well you have the head that matches his outfit that he wore tonight so Lee tell us something more about yourself. You seem like a guy that's, you know, you're a smart dude.

You put it together. You fucking work. You're making money. You're having fun. You're actually writing, you know, really, really good jokes. Tell us some interesting things about you that we might be surprised to know about you. There's not that much interesting. I work and then I do comedy.

Yeah, what else? There's got to be something there in the middle. Some hobby of yours? Like me right now, I'm obsessed with learning do comedy. Yeah, what else? There's got to be something there in the middle. Some hobby of yours? Like me right now, I'm obsessed with learning how to fly planes. Your turn. I play poker. Hey, that's pretty cool. You play cash games

with friends or you go to casinos? I go to casinos now and again. Is gambling legal here? Yeah. We've got casinos and poker rooms in most towns. Yeah. You win? You do good? Average. towns. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah. You win? You do good? Average.

You play by the math, sort of. Again, you're a smart guy. Don't take a lot of chances, right? But when you do, do you have any tells you think? Anything that people might notice? Any nervous tics that you notice that you do? I go red quite easily. You get red?

Yeah. Yeah. That's probably what would happen. It seems like that because you care about the taking. That's a huge risk to you. Yeah, that's it. Love the numbers. You have a girlfriend?

Yes. How long have you been with her? 12 years. Yeah. Wow. You going to pop the question any day? You going to ask her if she can shove a suppository up your butt? I don't know.

We're just seeing how it goes. Quit wasting her time. 12 years. My goodness. What are you waiting for? I don't know. We're pretty happy. So why fuck that up?

We don't all I guess so. We don't all just jump in after a couple of months like you, Tony. Right. I know. Hey, I'm pretty... I'm pretty happy too, asshole. Sorry. Yeah, mine doesn't need a green card, so we're cool. Oh, you

son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. How dare you? Mine was going back to Australia regardless. I wanted her to stay for all you fucking trolls. I really liked your Stephen Hawking joke because it's like one of those true jokes, you know, the cardio joke.

He especially liked it because he hasn't done cardio in 76 years either. You know what's black and on top of a stairway? Oh, yeah. Stephen Hawking after a fire. Very good. I didn't realize Frasier Smith was texting you jokes before tonight's show. Wow.

Fun fact, Stephen Hawking could touch the tip of his dick with his tongue. Well, his dick just twisted off. Oh, yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. off. Oh, yes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Man. Lee, so what else? You and your wife sleep head to feet like Willy Wonka style? No. Seems like an English thing.

Willy Wonka was from England, right? Fuck yeah. This guy's proud of his Willy Wonka heritage. Fuck Leeds, but pro-Willy Wonka. I like that. We don't do that, but I do eat a lot of chocolate, so that's probably the closest I can to Willy Wonka. So you like black girls? I'll tell you what, Lee, that set was so unbelievable tonight.

Such a fucking rock-solid minute. Why don't we make a deal with you right now, and when we come back for our next time here in London, which might be sooner than a lot of people think. We don't have a date yet. We don't have a date yet, but people have realized that this show has some traction. So what do you say we make a deal with you right now that when you come back,

you do another minute guaranteed, a brand new minute? Sounds good. There you go. Fucking unbelievable performance. Follow this guy on social media. That's Lee Hudson. Lee, real quick.

Wait, ban, ban, ban, ban. Wait one second. Lee, why don't you tell us your social media so that people can follow you and whatnot. Just on Twitter, it's Lee H Comedy. Lee H Comedy. There he goes. Lee Hudson, everybody. Wow, that was good. For two years, that was amazing.

It's amazing. Three or four of the funniest jokes in a while. How about one more time for Lee Hudson, everyone? Come on. Jesus Christ, look at all these drunks going back and forth to the bar. Maybe we should have closed the bar.

They're like, really? You want to keep the bar open? I mean, okay. I'm like, what's weird about that? Now I see you guys are fucking alcoholics. Okay, we got another one-word name. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Moose, everyone. Moose. Oh, look at that from right here.

Right in the front. Moose, everyone. Moose. Oh, look at that from right here, right in the front. One more time for Moose. I'll address the name. It's actually Mooch, but it's a bit of a weird name. I like the other comic. I'm half Dukaduka, half Irish, half Lebanese, which genetically makes me the perfect

terrorist. I grew up in Saudi Arabia with a multi-ethnic family, which was tricky, but there were positives. We celebrated double the holidays. We had Christmas, Ramadan, Easter, September 11th. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. We didn't do Christmas. So I'm in a new relationship. New relationships are hard, man. You get asked to do stuff you don't really want to do. Example, ice skating. Fun fact, I'm actually really good at ice skating. When I was a kid, me and my sister used to take turns choosing activities we'd do each weekend. And as a result, I'm good at ice skating and horse riding. And she's good at ketamine. Ketamine.

Ketamine. The drug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mooch. Mooch, mooch, mooch. Mooch. Hell yeah, Mooch, Mooch. Mooch. Hell yeah. Man, fun set.

How long have you been on stand-up? About six months now. About six months. Hell yeah. What made you want to start it? I don't know. I've always enjoyed comedy, and then I just sort of finally got around to doing it.

I did a little comedy course, and I think that was the spur I needed to get up and do it. Looks like you did three courses. Yeah, you are a big boy. Joke. He is. You are a big little Brit, aren't you? Well, I'm Irish-Lebanese.

Oh, you're a big Irish fucking Arab. My goodness. So that's interesting. I wonder how that works. Like, what is that? Your bombs go off at just the right time? Super lucky? Yeah, no.

Do you ever blow up a rainbow? Not yet, not yet. That's interesting. So your mom's Irish? Yes. And your dad is Saudi Arabian? No, Lebanese, but we actually lived in Saudi Arabia. Why Saudi Arabia?

How'd you end up there? Nice place to go to. Yeah, it's a great fucking place. 11 of the 17 9-11 terrorists fucking from Saudi Arabia. Meanwhile, we didn't nuke those assholes. We don't want to blow up their fucking oil fields. I see some of you out there. Meanwhile, we didn't nuke those assholes. We don't want to blow up their fucking oil fields. I see some of you out there. No, I'm kidding.

When I was a baby, I was in my mom's stomach. We were going to go live in Lebanon, but then a civil war sort of happened. Wait, you know babies aren't in the stomach, right? Hold on, yes. Let's find out more about that. So after you were born, you went back into your mom's stomach.

No, no, no. When I was a fetus. Oh, okay. When I was, you know, eight months, seven months. I don't know. I don't remember. Yes, exactly. And you went there.

They were going to go live in Lebanon, but then a civil war sort of happened. Right. Yeah. And then my dad got a job in Saudi Arabia. Those Middle Eastern people don't get along with anybody, do they? No, no. Not even themselves. Quite aggy.

Yeah. They're like the Brits. Hey, fuck that guy from Leeds. So that's interesting. Mooch, what do you do for work? I'm an events organizer. What kind of events do you organize? Sort of like club nights and stuff like that.

Oh, really? So you're one of those guys that hands out business cards like, you got anything to do tonight? No, no. I've just started an open mic, actually. No, he's like, extra, extra, read all about it. Club right here. Because he has the newspaper hat.

Yeah, okay. It didn't go over. Great. Perfect. So, like, what kind of events? Sort of, like, house, techno, drum and bass, that sort of stuff. Wow. Do you ever do any, like, DJing or anything?

I used to, but it's kind of hard to keep up with all the relevant shows. There are better DJs out there. Do you play any music or anything, any instruments? No. I want to say I play the drums, but I don't actually play the drums. Tony, by DJ, do you mean dinner jobs? Dinner jobs. Yeah, are you a dinner lady?

No, no, no, no. Out of all the people that say they know how to fight up here, I'm most afraid of you, by the way. You have that fucking head that looks like you could just take anything. Just like a wooden beam right to the skull. I feel like you'd be like, what did you just hit me with? I'm a terrible fighter.

Really? You've gotten into a fight? I drink too much and then I'm just like an idiot. I think there's a theme here tonight. What's your drink of choice? I'm a beer fan as well. Or gin and tonic.

Gin and tonic. The drink of my choice, men's blood. Wow. My goodness. My goodness. So interesting. Mooch, any hobbies or anything fun that you do? You said that you just started your own open mic?

Yeah. Is that here in London? Yeah, yeah. In Vauxhall. So if any of you want to come down to do comedy, Mooch, in Vauxhall. Vauxhall? Vauxhall. That sounds German to me.

It's actually a very gay area. Oh, really? Wow. What's the address? That's good. Point me the direction. Guilty. I'll just pull out my gay compass.

Anyway. So what's it like? Is that where you live? No, no, no. I just, I do, a lot of the events I do are there. So I just use the same club room to do the open mics. Right. I sort of understand what you just said.

Shall I try again? No, no, don't do it. Why are you dressed like half a jar of peanut butter? I was trying to hide the belly, but it's obviously not working. That is a perfect fat man shirt. Like, hey, look up here at the yellow, everybody.

Look at the yellow. Nothing down there. Hell yeah. It's like a bumblebee that decided to give up. Yeah, you fucking quitter bumblebee you. So how long have you been doing the open mic for?

I started in November. It's a lot of fun. Trying to do the hosting is quite, quite, it's a different game, isn't it? Yeah, for sure. For sure. Having to get control

of the crowd from the very beginning and then maintain throughout the audience is something that's not easy at all. And I will be doing that in one-man shows

Monday through Saturday at the Soho Theater. Opening for Tony Hinchcliffe and closing for Tony Hinchcliffe. Tickets still available for every single night for some reason. So,

well, Mooch, I'll tell you what, we got more names to get through. It was fun to get you up here. Congratulations. Comedians, go check out his open mic at Volksville.

Google it. When you're not Googling finance hitman. What song was that? You Are Beautiful by Christina Aguilera. Wow. Was it? Play a little riff of that. I don't think it was the mic that was the problem, by the way.

That's beautiful. Make some noise for Jeremiah Watkins. I mean, Feminist Stacy. Hell yeah, we got some crazy handwriting on this one, but I think I got it. Make some noise for Kate Snodgrass. Kate. Kat. Kat.

Kat. Kat Snodgrass. K-A-T. If you started your name with K-A-T, then you are on Kill Tony right now. Kate? Kat? Is Kat out getting a drink? Somebody want to yell out to the bar that Cat just got pulled out?

All right. Oh, my God. How convenient. The woman is gone. The one woman that got pulled. How convenient. I love how drunk that guy is, by the way. He just yelled at us that Cat just got pulled out as if though.

All right. All right. Blacklisted. No, let's try. We're going to go back to... I have a feeling that that's just... I have a feeling that that... I truly am going off of instinct here

in saying that I feel like that person is at the restroom or the bar, so we'll just go with her next. We'll give her another chance. Or in the men's stall, making some extra cash. Right, guys? Wow.

There you go. For no reason whatsoever. She must be sucking dick. What a great... I'm here saying, let's try to get the woman up here, and you say that she's blowing strangers in the bathroom. Very good. My goodness. Good cop, bad cop, I guess.

You disgust me, Red Band. Yeah, whatever. Okay, how about David Akingbeta? Akingbeta? Bad handwriting tonight, people. For those of you that are here in England, you speak and write very poorly. David Akingbola? David?

Does anybody here even name David? Anybody? By round of applause, does anyone here name David? No? That's not what I asked, sir. This is unbelievable. Maybe we should have shut down the bar. Maybe this was irresponsible of us to just let people...

Half the crowd is at the bar right now. All right. Well, okay. Who gives a fuck? Exactly, Steve. It doesn't really change anything. How about Jackson Egard? Jackson Egard. There we go.

Jackson? Is Jackson coming? Here we go. We got double thumbs up from the top shelf. Jackson making the long trip. Yeah. My goodness. Jump.

Look at him. No, don't do it. Jackson down. Jesus Christ. There you go. He's already getting laughs from all the way up in the balcony. All right. I feel like that's an interesting way to go.

It doesn't seem like... Here he comes. Jackson Egard. One more time for Jackson, everybody. Thank you, thank you. I'm not going to lie, this is my first time watching Kill Time You're Alive. I'm not going to lie, this is my first time watching Kill Time Live. I'm not going to lie.

Joelberg, I thought you were fat. You have a fat voice. Hey, you be you, you be you. You be you, man, you be you. It's fine. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. So I'm Australian, and hey, come on. I am a cultured, I'm a cultured Australian.

I went to that Australian bar you've got, the Walkabout. And shit, we really are 10 years behind. I walked inside there, and Theresa May has yet to fuck up Brexit. Tony Hitchcliffe is still a young, up-and-rising, coming comedian. Number one. The Jenners still have a father. We are that fucking far behind. But hey, next year we get the internet.

It's very exciting. Being Australian, I am very, very good at picking up women. I bet you are, you piece of shit. My favorite thing is when people try to take digs at me and then bomb the rest of their set. Jackson, first of all. How are you? First of all, compared to all other comedians that you know, I'm ten years younger.

You son of a bitch. Always remember that. Remember they're all fucking old. First of all, compared to all other comedians that you know, I'm 10 years younger. Right. You son of a bitch. Always remember that. Remember, they're all fucking old. That's fair enough. Yes, they are. And I say that I'm one of, one of the top young rising comedians in the world. You have to get this shit right.

We're 10 years behind, man. I'm sorry. You're damn right you are. Maybe you thought I had a fat voice because my jokes have more substance than yours. Yeah, exactly. You hear that? Nobody talks to Macy like that. Yeah, go back to your prisoner's island.

I know. Wow, look what happens when he hears this song. Wow, take it to the Soho, bro. Go suck on a didgeridoo, you idiot. My goodness, look at you. Somebody takes it in the outback, huh? That's right. My goodness, Jackson.

What brings you to London, England? My visa ran out in Canada. Oh brings you to London, England? My visa ran out in Canada, so they... Oh, you want to get married? They sent me back... Are you Canadian? No. Go on, your visa ran out in what? Yeah, so just the UK being Commonwealth

was the next country to accept me, so here I am. Wow, you just go from country to country. That's how I roll. Wow. Look at you. Going back to the motherland. Has anybody ever told you you look like you eat a lot of cliff bars?

What the fuck does that mean? No. One person, it was yourself. Okay, just curious. Let's go. So Jackson. He looks like the guy on the side of a cliff bar. Okay.

Feminist Stacy, not letting go, proving that she is a female comedian, not being able to, not being able to drop a subject when it doesn't work. Come on, try again. Try to make the cliff bar thing because he's got boots and he's got these

things and he looks like he has climbing gear. That's backstage. Do they even have cliff bars out here? I don't know. As soon as I said it, I was like, oh no. I was like, I think that's an American product, oh, but it's already coming out of my mouth, oh no.

Oh, I hope the podcast listeners at home appreciate it more than this audience that knows the couple cars that I'm bombing, oh no. Wow. I've never felt the theater of a bunch of people being silent at the same time before. Oh, no. Jackson, this is exciting.

You're visiting England. You listen to the Kill Tony show. It felt like I was redoing Jackson's set. Oh, no. And then you realize the Kill Tony's coming to England and you signed up for it and you fucking did it. Yeah, I'm not going to lie. My buddy up there, he signed my name up

so I had to come up with a set in the 30 minutes that it was in the audience. Wow, that's incredible. Wow, did he also sign up Kat Snodgrass and James Nungy? We have a lot of friends here and they don't have great names. Wow. Hey, a word of advice for those of you that are fans of the show. Don't do that.

Don't sign someone up before the show. That's stupid. There's a lot of people that have spent months and years working very hard at this craft and would love an opportunity to get up here rather than Jackson running fucking bullshit for us. Looking like he's about to fight in the gay military. Hey, Tony, I am curious, as a woman,

his last statement that he said he's Australian so he's good at picking up women. What did you mean by that? Good question. Because you don't look like you're strong enough to pick up a woman. Step away from the talent. Wow.

Jackson, you're about to get deported back to Australia. I am zero and four from tonight. What do you mean? to get deported back to Australia. You keep pushing the limits. I'm zero and four from tonight. What do you mean? Zero for four picking up chicks? Yes. Where were you trying to pick up chicks earlier?

Unfortunately, at a gay bar. It's raining men! You're so silly. How does Redman be that fast sometimes? Did you really go to a gay bar earlier? I don't know. There was just a lot of gays at the bar, so I assume that that is what makes it a gay bar.

So were you trying to pick up? Oh, okay. Calm down with the gays, okay? There are people. So there were chicks at the bar? There was chicks. So what's your pickup line? Pretend like I'm a hot chick and we're at a bar.

Come on. Hit me with it. So you come up to me. What do you say? No. Into the microphone and don't fucking touch me. That was pretty exotic. Yeah, go ahead. Here, I'll even start it. Hey, what's up, faggot? Hey, get it.

Alright, hold on. Let's see what he says. I want to hear what this guy has to say. I've got kind of nothing to say. That's a very hard one to follow up. Oh, man, I don't even have a drink anymore. I need another drink. That's right. Well, being unemployed, do you mind buying me a drink?

No, okay, yeah, no problem. Chandra, let's go. This guy's a pig. Zero for four. Jackson, I'm asking honestly. Like, what's your... No, I don't know. I'm quiet.

I'm a little bit reserved when I go at them. Come on. This is one of those questions where the truth is funnier than you trying to be funny. So let's try it one more time. We're at a bar. We want to see... Don't try to be funny. Look at me. Look at me. Don't try to be funny. So let's try it one more time. We're at a bar. We want to see... Don't try to be funny. Look at me.

Look at me. Don't try to be funny. Just do what you would normally do and let's have a dialogue. All right. Okay? Here we go. We're at a bar.

Oh, my God. Just hanging out. Oh, hey, look at this chick that can probably suck her own dick. Ah. Hey, Sarah? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

How'd you know my name, you fucking creep? Get away from me. Pepper spray. All right. Sure. Yes. Yes, I'm Sarah. Yes. How's you know my name, you fucking creep? Get away from me, pepper spray. All right. Sure. Yes, I'm Sarah. Yes.

How's it going? Quintin, did I meet you? Haven't I met you before? No. I think I saw you looking through my blinds last night. That was me. I just wanted to return the photo. No, I don't think I've met you.

What's your name? Jackson. Egard your name? Jackson. Egard. Oh, wow. I'll never marry into that name. It's fine. Last name's Azad, but it's fine. It's a Z.

Okay, I have to go. I just realized I have kids at home that need me, and I need to get out of here. All right, Jackson, there you go. It's the first time ever on stage. You got signed up by a friend that hates him. Hey, if you're going to boo the man, fucking boo him. Boo that gypsy.

He was having the best time until that moment right there, by the way. His whole swagger changed after that boo. It's like, fuck. Hey, kissed a girl and I like it. I know that one. Yeah, Katy Perry. Make some noise for your next comedian, Hunter Smith, everyone. Hunter motherfucking Smith.

Here we go. Hunter Smith. Here we go. Hunter Smith. Here he comes. With a nice stride. He's got a good pace coming to this stage. He almost fell. Getting into the octagon. One more time for Hunter Smith.

This is it. Holy shit, this is my fucking moment. Oh my god. You are all fucking projections, do you know that? You are in my fucking universe, do you know that? This is my world! My fucking world! But I have to... I am just the subject of this universe, and I have to

give credit to my creator. Alright. Give a cheer if you are a projection. Okay. Hunter, I don't think I've ever told anybody this before, but fuck you. If you are a projection. Okay. Hunter, I don't think I've ever told anybody this before, but fuck you.

If we strategically all got together and tried to write the worst 60-second set possible, all of us, with all of our, this entire squad, with all of our years of comedy experience, I don't think we'd be able to do exactly what you just did up here. Truly everything wrong. Made it about yourself, talked about how they were projections, took your time getting there, and then praised Allah. I know. For the big closer. Like, I mean, pretty impressive. Feminist Stacey, what do you think? Yes, I think the theater as a collective, as soon as you open your mouth and they heard an American accent, they were like, pretty impressive. Feminist Stacey, what do you think? Yes, I think the theater as a collective, as soon as you open your mouth and they heard an American accent,

they were like, yuck. And then collectively, they heard your material and they're like, double yuck. Hunter, are you from America? Is that right? Yes. I didn't even notice. I just only identified you as bad.

Like, it's like, my brain didn't even get to, like, countries and shit. I'm just like, whoa, this is what the worst looks and sounds like. He's dressed like what people over here think the American stereotype is. Hunter. He's literally the worst representation of us. Then he praised Allah. Come on, you American pig. My God. Hunter, where in America are you from? Hotlanta. Then he praised Allah. Come on, you American pig.

My God. Hunter, where in America are you from? Hotlanta. That's Atlanta, Georgia. Only douchebags go to that. It's so true. It's the worst thing. Again, you are the worst, Hunter. Sorry, I got to take that back.

That's degrading to douchebags, okay? Yeah. So, Hunter, what are you doing in London? I study in Paris. I'm a master's student. You're a master's student in Paris. Wow. Right when you can't get any douche here.

I'm a master's student in Paris. What are you studying in Paris? Douchebaggery? Sustainable agriculture. Oh, that's nice. Look at that. Oh, wow. It's getting boos. Wow.

Verbal boos. I thought that was a redeeming quality, but obviously the Brits love their fucking gasoline. I like it. Petrol. Fuck the planet. Boo, Mother Nature. My goodness.

Do you have any... Go back. I will. Oh, my God, Hunter, relax So, have you come up with any forms of sustainable energy? You weren't able to sustain 60 seconds On this stage tonight Anything you might be able to save the planet with? The key is just cutting down on carbon emissions

We need to change the energy. They fucking hate you, man. My God, you make Jackson Egard look like Bill Burr. Like, it's unbelievable. Fucking incredible. My God, you are a pure villain of some

kind that I've never heard of. You know what? Fuck Britain, all right? Whoa. Fuck all of you, okay? Do not throw anything on this stage. You fucking teen company motherfuckers. Fucking crooked ass teeth.

I swear to God. Wow. British people are missing a fucking chromosome. I haven't seen a good looking person since I've been here. Wow. You guys are fucking ugly. I love it. I love it. I love it.

He's truly gone full heel. Tony, at your command, I will swallow him with my vagina right now. The crowd wants it. Hunter, let me ask you something. So, clearly, you just went full heel. You were being a little bit silly, right? Like, you committed to it. Let me ask you something. So clearly you just went full heel. You were being a little bit silly, right? Like you committed to it. Let me ask you something.

We're here. This is a one night event. Give us one redeeming quality about you. Something to turn this whole thing around and have this crowd go fucking crazy. Alright. Tony, this was his make a wish. Hunter, one redeeming quality.

Something that you can tell this crowd that'll make us all love you at once. All right, I dated this French girl, and she was really cool, right? All right, it wasn't working out, all right? And I broke up with her in person, like a good person. Everyone breaks up through text these days, okay? I break up in person, all right?

In person! It's good! Wow. Okay, Hunter, before we... London, if you have tomatoes, use them now. No, don't throw anything. Do not throw anything on this stage at any point for the rest of our entire existence.

Hunter, I got to keep the show moving along. There he goes. How loud can you guys boo for Hunter Smith? Yes, thank you, thank you. But hey, I'll say this. I will say this. On your way, you can keep walking while I say it. I will say this, is that, you know,

as bad as he was, it still takes a lot of balls to sign up, and it takes even more balls to sign up and then fucking commit to it once you get pulled out of the bucket. You know, so whatever. How do you go through life being that unlikable?

I don't think he's much as a world traveler as much as he has to keep running from one place to the next. Like, I'm studying in Paris until they kick me out. Very impressive. Sorry about that, guys.

I think they like it. That's bad when Red Band is apologizing. Cut to him being on his back with his dick in his face 40 minutes ago. Sorry about that. That?

No apologies. Sorry you had to see that, guys. So sorry. How many of you guys like it when comedians do good on this stage? You guys like that? How many of you guys like it when comedians do good on this stage? You guys like that? How many of you guys secretly

in your hearts love to watch people bomb on this show? That's just what, we give the people what they want. Alright, this sounds like a very interesting name. Put your hands together for Velik Velikor. In parentheses, Mr. Bean.

Oh, wow. So, I arrived in London yesterday. I am staying at an air bean and bean. I went to the British Museum to check out the Egyptian exhibition. And apparently it turns out that the hieroglyph sign for the god of death, Osiris, is a snake on a rope. I don't drink and I don't smoke, which probably means that my sperm is really healthy. Actually, I found out that sperm only makes up for 1% of the whole semen and the rest

contains all kinds of healthy minerals and vitamins like B12 magnesium and zinc what I'm trying Velic Velicor yeah sure you have something you wanted to finish sure go ahead Mr. Bean Velik Velikor. Can I... Yeah, sure. Do you have something you wanted to finish? Sure, go ahead, Mr. Bean Velik Velikor. Go ahead.

Big clothes are coming. What I'm trying to say is that cum is good for you. Regardless of your gender. I don't know, it sounds a bit disgusting, but it's the truth. And I know that the truth can sometimes be hard to swallow. All right, all right. Velik Velikor.

Now, for those of you listening and only listening to the podcast, he is wearing a Mr. Bean mask with the eyes cut out, which might be the most British thing I've seen since arriving here in England. Do you guys love Mr. Bean? Wow. That is just clearly one thing we do not all agree on. You don guys love Mr. Bean? Wow. That is just clearly one thing we do not all agree on. You don't like Mr. Bean? I like Mr. Bean.

You guys know this isn't really him though, right? Wow, I always thought Mr. Bean looked like that. I always thought it looked like a mask on the... How many of you want this guy to take his mask off right now? Bella, come on. Take the mask off. Hang out with us.

Let's see your actual face. We get it. Put it back on. Put it on. Put it back on. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Velik, I'm kidding.

All right. So is that your real name, Velik Velikov? Yeah, Velik Velikov. Velik Velikov. Why did you bring a spoiled banana on stage? Yeah, that is. To throw it at black people at football games. Jesus Christ. No, they do that. Him, that is... To throw it at black people at football games. Jesus Christ.

No, they do that. Him, not me. What do they do? Who does that? Racist people. Oh, my God. Was that here in England that they did it? It's happened, right?

You guys do that? You've thrown bananas on a football field? Okay, look it up. I love it. There's one British guy that's literally sitting there. Can we ask the black guy? Never Oh shit, wrong country

Actually, I've been walking around with the mask the whole day And just to appear less intimidating I always have like a banana phone with me So if somebody's scared, I just say Do you want to call for help? Is that something Mr. Bean did or something? No, I have no idea What made you wear the Mr. Bean did or something? No, I have no idea. Oh. What made you wear the Mr. Bean mask here tonight?

I don't know. I wanted to surprise my friend yesterday. Yeah. Yeah, it's a bit soft now. Over here, Velik, over here. Sorry. You wanted to surprise your friend yesterday. Why did this man just give me his banana?

I'm sorry. All right. How did it become... Just drop it, Feminist Stacey. Let's just keep the show moving along. Not that big of a deal. There'm sorry. All right. How did it become, just drop it, feminist Stacy. Let's just keep the show moving along. Not that big of a deal. There you go.

Yeah, I wanted to surprise my friend. Yeah, you wanted to surprise your friend? Yeah, when we were meeting up,

so I just walking around and I saw the mask for three and a half pounds, so I bought it. Ooh, what a bargain. Yeah, and I've been wearing it

all day today preparing for this. And kids really love it. I was walking in public and waving at people doing this. Has anybody ever told you you have serial killer energy? Yes, he does.

Oh, there's a high five. I only did it because I thought he was going to kill me later. I will say this. Velik Velikor is one of the coolest fucking names I've ever heard. Is that your real name? Yeah, it actually means, Velik means great in my language. And Velikov is like son of great, so it's kind of like great, great son. Wow.

Wish I could say the same about anything that you did here tonight. Just goes to show names don't mean a goddamn thing. No, I'm kidding. What is your country? Where are you from? I'm from the land of yogurts. Yogurt? Yeah. Wow, delicious. Seems like you guys probably have a great culture

over there. Actually, actually... That's why I'm one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. No, kidding. You're from the land of yogurt. You're Greek. No, I'm Bulgarian, actually. It's a misconception that...

Wait a second. Is that true? Yeah, yeah. I can tell you the whole story about it. It sounds like the weirdest thing to try to claim. Tony. It's like Bulgaria is bragging, right? It's like, we have nothing.

What can we claim? Maybe we should claim something from the Greek. Let's do yogurt. Tony, I just got to get myself out of this hole. Yeah. Richard Evans, throwing bananas at black sportsmen has been recognized as racism across Europe for decades. That's just Europe. This is fucking Europe.

That's just Europe. This is fucking Europe. By the way, Feminist Macy just read that from her journal. That's not even Wikipedia. And I wasn't saying... Never mind. Velik, tell us something interesting about yourself. Do you have any fun hobbies?

How old are you, first of all? You seem like a young dude. I am 24. 24. You're rocking the Rick dude. I am 24. 24. You're rocking the Rick and Morty shirt, representing. So tell us more about you. What is it like being a 24-year-old from Bulgaria? Well, I live in Denmark.

Why Denmark? What made you choose there? I was going to study environmental management because I wanted to save the world when I was really young. Good thing you didn't. Good thing you didn't or else you could have ended up like fucking... Wait. Hunter. Which one's the worst? Jackson or Hunter? Hunter.

We just see Hunter jump off the balcony. That was the final step. I work as a male cleaning lady. Oh, male cleaning lady. Hell yeah. Frightening. I seriously thought he said

male cleaning lady for a second and I was like, what does a mayonnaise cleaning lady do? Heck yeah. How long have you been a male cleaning lady for? Maybe two years. Yeah.

It was like... What's the grossest thing you've stumbled upon? That was my next question. My grossest thing? No, no, no. Cleaning hotel rooms. Like crazy shit that you've seen. Like, oh, there's a used condom on the floor. Oh, there's this dead body that I put in here on accident.

I don't know. I just made a cum joke, so for me there's nothing disgusting body that I put in here on accident. I don't know. I just made a cum joke. So for me, there's nothing disgusting really that I've seen. My boss, she actually saw one really disgusting thing. She saw like this apartment that was reported from the neighbors. They went in. Everything was covered with like plates, cigarettes, beer bottles. But she said the worst was in the bathroom. Yeah.

Because apparently the guy shit so much I can't believe these people cleaned your apartment Red Band yeah I know I was expecting

women did this like this guy he shit so much he filled up the toilet it got clogged and then he started shitting next to the toilet okay okay okay

Brian relax by the way no stacy sit down stacy it wasn't like that come on you're gonna encourage him i think we all want to hear that song one more time oh my god you and that guy by the way literally just that guy, by the way. Literally just that guy, like, fucking loving it. There's two people. All right, Velik. Well, that's fucking interesting, man. Well, we're going to try to fly through some more names. Yes, is there something you want to say?

I just want to say that QHolly is my favorite podcast. Hey, look at you. So many good inside references. I got the snake on a rope joke, by the way. Thank you. I appreciate everything. Here, take your mask. Don't slip on that banana, by the way. How about one more time for Velik Velikor?

Hey, is Francis here? Where's Francis at? Francis, are you around? Francis, can you hear me? Yes, is that you? Francis, do we have a hard out? Yeah, 11 o'clock out of the building. Oh, Jesus. Maybe I shouldn't have said that out loud then.

Now they're going to expect a whole other hour and 10 minutes of show. No, if you want to do it, you should probably do maybe one or two minutes. Right, of course. I got you. Oh, that's right. That was 11 on the extra charge, right? So that's right. That was 11 on the extra charge, right? So that's overall. So that includes the merch and meet and greet and all that.

We have amazing, we have Kill Tony posters, literally a set amount custom made by Ryan J. Ebel to close out this European tour. You guys are going to love them. Make sure you check them out on your way out. Literally only 100 were made. And so it's very exclusive, very exciting. You're going to love those.

And I have official Tony Hinchcliffe pins available. Double, double, double, double... I have Joel Berg stickers, too. Joel Berg stickers? What was that, Red Band? Put a little Tony on your chest. That's right For plugging stuff I have CDs and Kill Tony stickers

So there you go There you go absolutely A little plug before we even get out there You guys having fun? Keep the show moving along See how many of these things we can get through Before we have to get the fuck out of here Okay make some noise for Ahmed Mamau.

Ahmed Mamau. Here he comes. Here we go. Come on. One more time. Good and loud for Ahmed Mamal. Hi, hey, hey, ho, I'm from Norway. I know it's weird, I know.

But, yeah, you didn't, sorry. But, yeah, I went three years ago. First time, I did something really weird. I went down on a girl for the first time. Wasn't my mother, but the thing was yeah but the thing is like I didn't know what to do with you know when you go down on a girl you to get a lot of juice and I didn't know what to what to do so I just pretended like nothing after the sex and then we sat on the couch and she was like you want to watch Netflix and I was like yeah I want to watch Netflix and and on the couch and she was like, you want to watch Netflix? And I was like, yeah, I want to watch Netflix. And on the way home, yeah, it's weird. It's a true story. And I went

on the way home. I was sitting on a bus and I had to take it out of my mouth. I took a Kleenex and I started gneissing it and I take it out. And there's a guy next to me staring at me. And I just look at him. He was like what do you do and I was like pussy juice he was like yeah he was like yeah and I was like oh you also have pussy juice? no no I have a stroke Wow. Fuck. Ahmed Mamal. Fucking amazing. I'll say this. I think the one guy had a better set than you.

What's his name? Not better set. I think he got more laughs than you. Louder and all at once. But for some reason, I think you're my favorite comedian of the night. It's an interesting thing. I don't think you've got the big pops,

but something about your style is so different and honest that I can't wait to hear whatever the fuck the next thing you're going to say is. Absolutely. You had me ever since I just ate, you know, I went down on a girl for the first time a few months ago. You're telling something that's honest, and your delivery style is so

different than other people's because you sort of don't give a fuck I like how you act like you're surprised sometimes when the things get a laugh like you're like oh you guys like that part that's not even a good part it's so fun you've been doing stand up a while?

yeah I've been doing it for five years fucking amazing man it really shows. It really shows. Again, you know, again, going back to, goddammit, who's the guy that I said gets a spot? You know the ball. It was Lee Hudson, correct? Lee Hudson was the guy. Fuck yeah, there he is.

So what I'm saying is, like, I think Lee has a more conventional style of set up, set up, super great written punchline. But I feel like your delivery system is so original. I feel like I could watch you with like a one-hour special of yours and the whole time be like,

what the fuck, this guy's crazy. It's so interesting. Your experience really shows. Oh, really? Oh, thanks. Really, really impressive. When you came up, I'm like, look at this bunk-ass Steve Urkel.

It's like, I'm going to make fun of this guy's nipples, but it's like, fuck that, no. You do win that whole nipple off, by the way. Is there something in the water that makes your nipples hard here? Why would Queen be that? The nipple champions. The nipple champions of the world. Hell yeah.

So Ahmed Mamau, you've been doing stand-up for five years, all here in London, England? No, me and my friend, we came here from Norway just to see this. Wow. Man, that is so fucking cool. That warms our heart. That is amazing. What's it like living up in Norway?

It's nice. We're rich and stuff. Really? Is that true? Don't boo me. I'll buy you all a drink. Wow. Is that true? Norway's rich? Yeah, yeah. Wow, you really cut to the hearts of this London audience. But it's weird because you can have a normal job and make a lot of money. Is that true?

Why is that? Because it's few people and a lot of oil. So we just sort of give it out. Fuck yeah. Yeah. I love that. Come to Norway. How did you end up up there?

Your parents live up there? No, we're immigrants. And then we flew to France. And we had a choice between America and Norway, and my mom was like, no thanks to America. No offense to you guys, but yeah, you get it. Yeah, you get it. Hey, hey.

You assholes. Yeah, anti-Americans out here. God damn it. Remember the time we saved your ass in World War II? Huh? Yeah, my how easily we forget. Yeah. Without us, your old boy Winston Churchill would have looked like a real pussy.

Oh, I have blood, sweat, and tears. The Germans were like, yeah, well, we got fucking tanks, you idiot. You almost lost that shit. Don't never forget. What was that? Was that you piece of shit? No, Norway sounds like the right fucking choice to me. So that's true. Everybody's rich there. What do you do for work there?

IT support. Norway. Norway. Joel Birch. Let the chaos ensue. Ahmed, is that true that you really went down on a girl for the first time recently? Yeah. I love that. That's so interesting.

And why didn't you do it before now? No, because I was scared to do it. Because, you know, I don't know. What a pussy. Yeah, it's hard to go down, right? No, it's not. Shove your head down there. Start pleasing a woman now.

Feminist Stacey, we know you know how to please a woman. You know what might be interesting, Ahmed, is if you show this audience what you did exactly. Like if you just show like a physical... You have to find the clitoris and then you just go around it. Here, face them and just show us. Here's a little bit of music.

Hold on, wait a second. You finger their asshole while you eat their pussy? No, it's a trick where you put your fingers in the vagina and then you circle around. No, we don't get it. You have to show us. You put it in the vagina. And then you circle around. No, no, we don't get it. You have to show us.

You put it in the vagina. Yeah, I put it in the vagina. And then you go around the clitoris. You go around the clitoris. I'm on Tinder. Show us. Ahmed almost ate your pussy for a second, Feminist Stacey. He was going to go for it.

Man, that's so fun. Did you meet, was it like a one night stand or was this your girlfriend? No, it was my ex. Your ex? Yeah. Damn, trying to get her back, huh? Maybe you want to go on another date with me. I eat pussy now. I'm a

changed man. Heck yeah. Did you eat it with the turtleneck on so that you could dab? Yeah, I'm a sophisticated man. Steve Jobs style. He does look like he would eat pussy in a turtleneck. You're so prim and proper. It's so funny.

You have your turtleneck tucked in, but a good style. Not dissonant at all. You're like a black Steve Jobs. You're like Steve Jobless. Awesome. Hell yeah. That was fun. Man, Ahmed, again, I just fucking loved your setup here.

I'd love to see more of you sometime. Thanks. You can come by Norway and I'll buy you a house. I love it. I love it. You know, yeah. I'm not a hell out. Yeah, You know, yeah. Not a house. There he goes. Ahmed

Mamal. Ahmed. Ahmed. Real quick. Alright. Ahmed, you have a social media handle or something? You want to yell at us? Twitter? Just yell it. Ahmed Mamal? Ahmed yell it. Ahmed Memal? So it's A-H-M-E-D-M-E-O-W. Follow him on Instagram.

There you go. You guys want to go to the bucket one more time, huh? All right, make some noise for Rob Copeland, everyone. Rob Copeland. See what happens here. Could be your final, probably your final comedian of the night, everyone. There we go.

Oh, wow, he seems very excited. I like this. I love it. Come on, one more time for Rob Copeland. Cheers. My name's Rob. Thank you, thank you very much I'm 28

Pretty sure I'm a big old grown up man boy Now How do I know? Here's the facts Got a full time job? Yes Got a full time girlfriend? Okay, yeah And third, can't remember the last time I had a proper game A hide and seek Okay

Anybody remember Anybody playing right now? Can't remember the last time I had a proper game of hide and seek. I'm not dead inside. I tried to instigate a little session the other day. I was around my girlfriends. She left the living room. Bit of fun. Had a bit of fun. Just tucked myself behind the old curtains there. Then all the housemates came home, sat on the sofa and started talking about how happy they were I'd gone home. Oh boy. Then they moved on to some pretty scathing stuff about how

immature they think I am, which in that moment... Oh! Meow. There he is, Rob Copeland, everyone. Boy, oh boy. That's the type of wacky British comedy I expected to see here tonight. You wacky little Englishman, you. The interesting thing is you weren't bad enough to be considered one of the worst here tonight.

But you also weren't good at all. Oh. Just like a glass of lukewarm water. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Look, he can't even help himself. Look at his shoulders just start going.

Just jerking off two dudes at once. So, Rob, that's your first time doing comedy. No. No. No. Wow. Okay. How long have you been doing it?

About three years. Who wants to watch him kill himself on stage right now? But first we're going to have this guy with a sweater around his neck buttfuck you. Come on up, sir. Buttfuck him. No, it's okay. Don't do it. Rob, you have the wire around your neck. Are you about to hang yourself?

Just because you were mentioning suicide, I thought I'd bring it to life very good you rolled with the joke very good feminist so you usually don't comment on comedian sets or whatever but i will say uh i didn't like your set um but uh i did appreciate uh his stage presence and he actually used the stage a lot of people usually don't do. It's true. He was very physical. He moved a lot. He does get some points for that, but I guess that's also what

you do when you don't have a funny thing to say in the world. You start running around like, hey, what's this over here? What's this over there? Don't touch the table or anything around it. Stop, stop, stop. Get out of here. Go over there. Jeremiah is into physical comedy. I don't like touching or anything. Your hand's like a weird pink color.

It is, isn't it? There's a lot of blood going through it. I already touched it and I regret it. Yeah. Rob, tell us something interesting about you. Give us like a redeeming quality that will make us all like you about you. Like something honest to yourself that you think makes you different than everybody else that's ever been on Kill Timber. Louis Theroux works on the table opposite me at the minute

and I can't handle it. That was all one word. I have no idea what you just said. What was it? What did you say? Do you know who Louis Theroux is? He's done a lot of documentaries about how weird your country is. I'm a fan. I watch all documentaries. He works on the table opposite

me at the moment. He works at the table opposite of you. Where do you work? At the BBC. What do you do there? I'm a data wrangler. People shoot interviews, and then all the cards come to me, and then I process them, I send them to the edit.

That's about it. You're a big part of the... Wow. So you love BBC, huh? Big Black Cock? All right. It's probably a common love BBC, huh? Big Black Cock? All right. It's probably a common joke here, right? You know what, Rob?

Yes, mate? It was fun to get you up here, but we're running out of time fast, and I feel like we shouldn't end the show on you, so I'm going to get you out of here. How about that? Rob Copeland. One more. You guys think we should finish this thing with somebody else?

One more pull out of the bucket here? Hell yeah. Let's see what happens here. I'm excited about this. What was that? Shut the fuck up. Make some noise for Henry Shearman, everyone. Henry Shearman.

Here he comes. This is it. Perhaps we saved the best for last. Let's see what happens here. Come on, it's your final comedian of the night. The rest of your energy, I need it. Henry Shearman. So, sex without a condom is a bit like Russian roulette.

Thank fuck I shot another blank. My girlfriend and I actually don't use condoms. It's pretty lucky because she's pro-choice. It's a bit better than the amateur choice, which was some bloke with a van. I've got a mate who's got... Thank you. I've got a mate who's got shark eyes. It's pretty good having an excuse

to punch him in the nose whenever he comes near me. I have to deal with it because I'm not big into religion, but he is. So anytime he's around me, I've learned how to deal with it. Just any problem he has, that's God's plan, wasn't it? My parents died in a car crash. Fuck, that's awful. It's God's plan though. He gives and he takes what he did from you. It's God's plan though. He gives and he takes what he did from you Someone punched me in the nose. It's what you get for having shark eyes you creepy fuck That's about all I got sorry It's all good Henry Shearman

Sure first time ever doing stand-up. Yeah, yeah, very good. I could tell You got to leave you got to leave a little bit of space after those punchlines. You know, they didn't laugh right away and you just rush right on to the next thing. Whereas I feel like some of those jokes were good enough that if you let them think about it and let it sort of hit them, you know, some of the things were funny. Like the pro-choice one I thought

was a good joke. Thank you. I mean, you know, you have a good brain for it. It has to be like different worded, Thank you. I mean, you know, you have a good brain for it. It has to be like different worded. You know what I mean? But it's good. So is your first time doing stand-up?

How old are you, Henry? I'm 26. 26. Fuck yeah. Good looking guy. Good style. Thank you. Life is good.

What do you do for work? I'm a retail manager. A retail manager for where? It's sort of like the Australian version of GameStop. Are you Australian? Yeah, I flew back here for this. You flew here for Kill Tony tonight. My sister...

That's amazing. I got to shout out my sister a bit because she just had a kid eight months ago. So it was a perfect opportunity to come out. Your sister had a kid eight months ago, so it was a perfect opportunity to go to London. Because you're showing, I need to see her. Your sister had a kid eight months ago, so it was a perfect opportunity to go to London. I need to see her. Wait, what?

My sister had a baby out here in London. Sorry, she lives here. Oh, gotcha. Alright, I thought you were like, I'm going to get the fuck away from my sister and this annoying, crying eight-month-old baby. It's been two days and it's pretty hard, but not that bad. I love it. So you're staying with your sister? Yeah.

Are you sleeping with the baby? No, they actually took her out of my room days and it's pretty hard, but not that bad. I love it. So you're staying with your sister? Yeah. Are you sleeping with the baby? No, they actually took her out of my room. So it's awesome because she was meant to be in that room. I love that. Yeah. Is this your first time to London? No, I actually grew up here. So I spent like 10 years here.

What sent you to Australia? My parents took me. Maybe you committed a crime and they were like, hey, I think it's time you go down to Australia. Sleeping babies is frowned upon. Hell yeah. So you work at a GameStop they were like uh hey i think it's time you go down to australia sleeping babies is frowned upon so hell yeah so you work at a game stop basically in australia uh what else do you do there like what do you like about australia where do you live melbourne uh brisbane brisbane very fun i love that place uh nice i've been there i've been there twice did you ever see me perform

live yeah oh you did i actually saw you at the you loved it, but the Sit Down Comedy Club. I love the Sit Down Comedy Club. Yeah, and it's also just built weird. It's a very awesome comedy club. And it has the awful sign as well. Yeah, ridiculous. I fucking, you know the place is good if I remember performing there. And that actually got me into Kill Tony.

So, went from there and then loved it and wanted to get on stage. Oh yeah, you fell right into the fucking traps, sir. Now you're stuck. Henry, anything you want to say to the feminists next to you? What's it like being so close to such powerful feminists? I'm just disappointed Jolena wasn't here, to be honest. One thing I was looking forward to.

Man, listen to that criticism. She could show up at any fucking moment. Hey, look at that. You might get jacked it off tonight if you don't watch yourself, homie. I've actually got a girlfriend. She gave me a free pass for Jolina. So after the show.

Wow. It's a shame you don't know how to play drums. You could probably summon her. We could probably bang after the show. Wait, you're using your hall pass on Jolina? Jesus. I'm a feminist and I find that disgusting. Henry, how long have you been with your girlfriend?

Fuck. Like nine months, ten months? Oh, nine months. Negative one minute? Man, where'd you meet her at? She worked at a store opposite me, so just met her at work, really. Hell yeah.

Yeah. She was all like, hey, are you the guy that works at the GameStop? She's like, you have game. Whoa. So you were working at the video game store, you ran into her, and you're like, oh, I could probably control her. I was like, I could play that.

Yeah, I got you. Very good. When you finger her, are you like, A, B, A, B, A, B, B, B, B, B, B, A, A, A, A? Yeah, fortunately it's not X, Y yet. By the way, after I did that, I just... Whoa! Okay, this is the part of the show where Brian just starts hitting random buttons while comedians are talking. Okay, yep, don't have enough time to do that joke now.

That window's closed. You know about that, though, Henry. Anyway, so it's interesting that you came here for this. How long are you staying for? I've got another three weeks. Wow. Well, that's cool. Oh, yeah, that baby's going to be nine months old

by the time you leave. Okie dokie. I have a question. You have a question? Yeah, you said you were going to bring Kill Tony to Australia last time you were there. Yeah, we are. Fuck yeah.

Cool. Yep, eventually. Yep, it's going to be a few months. Yep, everything's in the works. This went well other than our Irish sick bug thing. So, yeah. Anything's possible. Fuck yeah. Fucking interesting.

You think you can do a better job? Really? Come on up. Come on. Get up here. There he goes. Henry Shearman. I want to see what the fuck this guy's about to do. We're about to close this show with a bang. You guys want to see an English heckler get up here and fucking do something? Yeah, so do I.

This is too big of a show. He looks like the guy off the Pringles. There he goes, Henry Shearman. Make some noise for Henry. Come on up here. What's your name? Clovis Frederick Smith-Lyon.

Clovis Frederick Smith-Lyon. Wow. Look at this. Look at this Irish pimp that just came on stage. My God. You look like you smoke pot of gold. People say I'm posh. That's

poppycock. Wow. Oh, no. They hate you. Clovis, they hate you. Clovis, why are you... Okay, okay. I'm into ecology. I'm into ecology. We recently employed a milkman. Glass bottles, replacement, return them. I was down at the pub with the guys the other night.

One of them said to me, your milkman has fucked every woman on your milk round, bar one. I was quite disconcerted, so I said to my wife when I got home, Hold on, give him a chance you fucking ass. Our milkman has fucked everyone on our milk crown barring one woman. Who is it? She said that snooty bitch at number 10. Now you can boo.

Clovis, let me ask you a million dollar question right now. Okay. How the fuck did you end up here tonight? I have no idea. What are you doing? Were you walking by and you're like, what's going on at the Bloomsbury? They're like, there's one ticket available.

You're like, perfect. I had to say something about the guy before me. Yeah, sure. Go ahead. He was dying on his ass. Oh, my God. So am I. Clovis.

Have you ever done comedy before? Never. What brought you? I'm literally asking you, how'd you end up here? Is your son a fan of the show or something? No, I'm an alcoholic. You're an alcoholic? Yeah.

Do you ever listen to the podcast? All the time. You listen to Kill Tony? Love to. So you're a big fan of stand-up comedy? Yeah, I love it. You didn't sign up tonight. No, I didn't. But here you are. This is destiny. I am.

Let me ask you this. I find this so interesting because this is oftentimes what happens is people love the show, they fall in love, then they think that they can do it and then they find out the hard way. I don't think I can do it. Right. No, I love it. I love your charisma. I love your style. You're standing up here. You're having the time of your

life smiling. Tell us more about you, Clovis, before we get out of here. We're running way over time. I want to know more about you. Who dressed you tonight? My mother. He knitted his own sweater vest. That's very exciting. What is that thing? Vomit proof?

It is. Clovis, tell us something about you. What is that thing, vomit proof? It is. Clovis, tell us something about you. What have you been doing your entire life? I'm a drummer. Wait, Tony. Get your ass behind those drums. We're going to have a Mexican drummer. It's fine. It's fine. It're going to have a Mexican drum up. It's fine.

It's fine. It's going to be fine. Mexican drum up. Alright. Make some noise doing a drum solo. Make some motherfucking noise for Clovis, everybody. Thank you. There he is, Clovis, everybody. Get the fuck out of here. Now, let me remind you, let me remind you,

and I might need your help on this one. Hold on, stay up here, Clovis, stay up here. Let me remind you that if Clovis wins this, he's the new drummer in the Kill Tony band. And he has to come back to LA with us. Thank you. So please, Jolina, summon the devil. I mean,

Feminist Macy, summon the devil and please figure out a way to beat this guy. It's all about performance. It's about comedy. I present to you the undefeated champion of the Mexican drum off, Jolmar Jolimenez! Show them what show them is! Thank you. It's fucking the drums. He deep-throated drumsticks.

How many of you have Clovis winning? Oh, he's still going. Get out of here, you old fuck. You old posh fuck. Go iron your pants. How many of you think Clovis won this thing? How many of you have Joelberg winning this thing? And still, the rating of the manager.

Joelberg's fully erect right now, by the way. Hey, we gotta get out of here quick. Thank you so much. Remember, I'm at the Soho Theater all week. Tell your friends, come see me do stand-up. Jeremiah has a podcast called Jeremiah Wonders. He's on all social media, Jeremiah's stand-up. Joel Berg's at Mostly Sorry on all social media platforms.

We're selling posters after the show. We are running so far behind on time. Help us get out of here by 11. Thank you so much. We love you. Good night. Good night.固まり絡まり いること

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