KILL TONY - KILL TONY #329

Episode Date: March 21, 2019

Ron White, William Montgomery, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 03/18/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you have every single episode we've ever made, all the video portions to all the show, and you could also click on tour dates. Not only do we do Kill Tony monday at the world famous comedy store but we are on the road all the time we're going to be in philadelphia this weekend ventura california march 28th april 4th we'll be in st louis missouri april 11th we'll be in new york april 28th we'll be in la jolla. We're also adding some extra shows to that La Jolla one.

Also, June 20th, we'll be in New York. July 11th, we'll be in Fort Worth, Texas. And then we got Kill Tony Mania, Sacramento, California. We're going to be there. And San Francisco will be in there. So check it out. Go to DeathSquad.TV. Click on Tour Dates. Tony Hinchcliffe has a. Go to DeathSquad.TV. Click on tour dates.

Tony Hinchcliffe has a website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. Check out his website for all the information. Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist. You can go to his website and get Kill Tony prints and posters. That's RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.TV. There you get the official Kill Tony T-shirt and merchandise from Death Squad. We got hats and mugs and a bunch of stuff. Go to ShopSquad.TV.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe. Wow, hi everybody. Hello. Make some noise. We're all here at the Comedy Store on a Monday night for the number one live podcast in the world.

The great Brian Redband is here. Ryan J. Ebelt is here drawing tonight's episode. The amazing Ryan J. All prints available at ryanjebelt.com. Hi, Brian. We're back. We are back from our longest break in the history of Kill Tony. Two weeks.

In the almost six-year history of the show. We are back, feeling refreshed. And we're right back on the road this Thursday. Two sold-out Kill Tonys in Philadelphia, an entire weekend of stand-up comedy, and another Kill Tony on Saturday. I think there might still be tickets available for that Kill Tony on Saturday. Slight chance. But that will sell out, so get on it.

And then, believe it or not not we're in Ventura, California of all places next Thursday a one-off show at a place called the Hong Kong Inn so I don't know how that happened

but it's happening. Somehow we're probably I've played there before it's really cool it's a really cool little place. How they're going to make money and still pay us I find it hard to believe.

Let's put it that way in the business. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, no, good for them for being able to get us. Ventura, California next Thursday. St. Louis also paid the piper. We're going to be doing that April 4th and stand up in St. Louis the whole weekend after that. Same for West Nyack, New York, April 11th. Stand up all weekend there at Levity Live.

And then La Jolla. Breaking news with La Jolla. The first show sold out. It sold out in like two days. Yes, and we barely even announced it. Right. And so they just added a second show. That's also going to sell out in La Jolla.

That is April 28th. I'm doing an entire weekend of stand-up comedy right before that, the 26th and 27th of April in La Jolla. That is April 28th. I'm doing an entire weekend of stand-up comedy right before that, the 26th and 27th of April in La Jolla. And I'm also going back to Seattle to do stand-up May 31st and June 1st. And then the Gramercy Theater. Kill Tony, New York City. Can you

fucking believe it? Fuck yeah. That's awesome. The Gramercy Theater is one of the most amazing venues in all of New York. It's good to go there and to knock out something fun like that on the other side of the country. And then, you know, don't forget, Kill Tony Mania is on sale. The return to San Francisco for October. And let's break some news, shall we? That we're also doing massive Kill Tonys in Sacramento.

The two nights before that San Francisco Kiltoni mania, we're doing Sacramento's first Kiltonis, the 16th and 17th of October. Oh, that's some exciting stuff. And Philly this weekend, Ryan J. Ebeld's amazing prints are going to be for sale. We're really excited about that. Another great road poster. You know, Ryan's amazing. You know, I love Ryan J. But I'm so glad

we have him as part of our team. Hiring used to be hard. Multiple job sites, stacks of resumes, a confusing review process. But today, hiring can be easy. And you only have to go to one place to get it done. ZipRecruiter.com slash kill Tony. ZipRecruiter sends your jobs over to a hundred of the web's leading job boards. But they don't just stop there. As applicants come in, ZipRecruiter sends your job over to a hundred of the web's leading job boards but they don't just stop there. As applicants come in, ZipRecruiter analyzes each one and spotlights the top candidates so you never miss a great match.

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And, you know, one of the things with having a great recipe is you need good meat to finish the job. It's just tomato sauce and what? Ground chuck. When I was on keto, that would be perfect for that. Just get a box of meat delivered right to me. Exactly. And right now, you can get $20 off your first box and two pounds of free ground beef in every box for the life of your subscription. Go to ButcherBox.com slash Kill Tony or enter promo code Kill Tony. That's ButcherBox.com slash Kill Tony or enter promo code Kill Tony. Well, you've heard us talking about hymns.

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You did? Yeah. I finally got it done. I went to my business manager and I said, life insurance. What's up with it? I've lost a couple friends recently. I went to my business manager and I said, life insurance, what's up with it? You know, I've lost a couple of friends recently. I don't want my family and friends to be stuck with some bill. I'd like to have that stuff taken care of. And she told me to go to, ready for this, Policy Genius. Wow. Yeah, it's like, you know, one of those things to where it's just amazing how easy it can be. Well, Policy Genius makes it easy. It's the easiest way to get life insurance.

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And he is going to be here and powerful Ron White. He is going to be here in just a bit. He's running a bit behind those southern people and their gosh darn timing. You know what I mean? I forgot about Daylight Savings time or whatever. I'm sure he's going to have a great

excuse, something with swagger. It'll be hilarious. We'll all have a good laugh about it. No. He's running a little bit late so he's just going to come in at any point. See, that's my problem with the thing. That part right there. See that? That used to be filled. Now it's empty. I knew that was

going to happen as soon as that happened. We've got to stop doing that one. We'll figure it out. Alright. That's exciting stuff. Let's just get right to the band, shall we? We're going to wait for Ron White to get here. He's going to come up at any given point. We're just going to start the show with Adam, like a fun little road episode.

But we have a band. They are the best band in the land. Every single week they commit to being different characters, and throughout the entire episode they try their best to stay in character. Sometimes it's police. Sometimes it's Italian mobsters. You never know what they're going to be, but they try their best to stay in character. Sometimes it's police. Sometimes it's Italian mobsters. You never know what they're going to be, but they are the best. Make some noise for the Kill Tony band.

Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. Whoa. These some country guys? What the hell? Wow. Wait a second. Wait a second. Are you fucking kidding me?

Is this the blue collar comedy tour? Oh, my God. Wow. That is hilarious. If you know exactly who we are, you might be redneck. Wow. That is Jeff Foxworthy. I'm guessing Chroma Chris is Jeff Foxworthy. The name is Bill, Tony.

You were the fourth one, huh? It's great to be here, unlike some of us. Wait, what's the fourth one? We've been trying to reach Ron a long time. We can't seem to reach him, but I guess he heard we was coming at night and canceled. Wow. I'm denying the cancel. Wow.

And then clearly back here we have some type of Bill Goldberg with AIDS or something like that. Tony, I'm here to get her dead. Oh, wow. This appears to be Larry the Steal Your Cable Guy. Wow. Joel is full. You have to picture Joel Just sort of looking like Larry the Cable guy That's pretty amazing

It's all about the sleeves Yeah, you really took off the sleeves Of probably one of your only shirts Your wedding shirt I like how your two's facial hair Looks the exact same Hey, well, I mean. 4hims.com.

They call me Larry the podcast guy. Okie dokie. Tony looks like Jeff Unworthy. All right. All right, you guys. Get her done. So the band is here. Ron White's going to be here any minute.

I have a bucket filled with comedians' names. We did a thing tonight where we pre-selected names, which is never going to happen again. We picked 35 names before the show, so those 35 people are somewhere, right? There they are. The rest of the comics can go in there if they want to, you know? Yeah, the rest of the comics.

That's what I think it is. I think they just don't let the other comics go in now. Oh, that's weird. Yeah, you could let anyone in now. And if I pull your name out of the bucket, you get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Sometimes it's somebody's first time. Sometimes they're a comedy vet trying to fucking make an imprint at the comedy store for the first time. You know your 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. It means wrap it up then and you're sure going to bring out the Angry West

Hollywood Bear. Sounds like that. And a force field. So that's the show. You guys ready to start this thing or what? We're live from the comedy store. How many of you, this is your first time being at a Kill Tony right now?

Wow, that's a lot. Oh, Jeff Foxworthy, it's your first time? Never been here before. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you are hoping to see somebody bomb here tonight? Wow. Jesus. There's one guy.

Yes. There's one angry internet guy. If you want to see a comedian bomb, you might be a redneck. Oh, this is exciting. We know this young lady. She was on the show. She's an Apollo 13 member right here. She was on the show a few weeks ago,

and she is back again. I do believe, yeah, this should be interesting. Make some noise for Jasmine W., everyone. Bacon soda! Jasmine W. Oh, it's another Jasmine. There she goes. Come on, one more time for Jasmine W., everyone.

Hey, how y'all doing? I always tell people I grew up under special circumstances because I grew up with my dad around. He was there the whole time, y'all. That was cool or whatever. He stuck around. But one thing, my dad, he raised me to be a really proud black woman, right? So for his birthday this past year, I said, you know what?

I'm going to give my dad the ultimate gift. I'm going to get his ancestry done, right? That's pretty cool. Got his ancestry done. Figured out he was 100% black, y'all. 100%. I said, oh my God, dad, what a wonderful journey we've gone on. This is wonderful. You know, usually when you get your ancestry, you break it out. It has your genealogy and everything. His just said, nigga, you black. I said, okay. Cool, that's what's up. The problem is, though, is ever since he found that out, y'all,

he's been walking around the house. Like, he's been taking it too far, right? He walks around the house, I am king. I'm like, really, nigga, you king? You've been African for three weeks, dad. Thank you. Hell yeah. Jasmine W. How's it going, Jasmine? I'm good.

How you doing? Have you been on this show before? I've never been on this show. You've never been on this show? Never. It's my first time. Hell yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Four years I've been doing stand-up. Four years. Wow. Is that true about your dad?

That is 100% true. All my jokes are true. Right. Okay. They are. I believe you. Not going to argue with you about that. Does your dad approve of you doing stand-up comedy?

He does. What does he do? My dad, he's disabled, but ain't nothing wrong with him. So he's, uh, my dad, he's disabled, but ain't nothing wrong with him. So, uh, he's retired. Wow. Do you talk about that on stage ever? I do. I talk about that a little bit on stage.

I do. What do you say when you talk about it on stage? That line? I say, uh, anybody have any, uh, body in their family who's disabled, but ain't nothing wrong with them? Yeah. that's my dad. Oh, yeah. I see what you did there. You did it for like a black audience. But ain't nothing wrong with them?

Exactly. You got me. End it with a question. Everybody be like, oh, hell yeah. Right? I know how it is. A lot of white people have those people in their family too, right? Mm-mm. Did you say where you're from? Are you from Texas?

I'm from Texas originally. How'd you know that? I know my Texas girls. Whoa, do you? They're always hot. Wow, look at that. Look at Red Band making a... What do you think about Red Band over here?

Is this your type of a little... I'm married, so I'm married. Alfredo meatballs, huh? If you creep on any woman with a pulse, you might be a red band. A red band. Damn. Jeremiah Watkins is refreshed.

Jeff Foxworthy. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard you say. Jeff Foxworthy. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard you say, Jeff Foxworthy. Right? How long have you been married for? We've been married almost two years. Is it going good? It's going excellent. What's he like?

What's your husband like? It's going excellent. What's he like? What's your husband like? He's, you know, smart, introverted, really handsome, Nigerian stallion. Ooh, Nigerian. You've met... Nigerian stallion. You've met this guy, right?

This isn't some thing where it's online and he's telling you that he's Nigerian. I've met him. You've met him. I have. You guys got married in Texas? No. We lived in San Francisco for five years so we got married there. Right. There's a lot of Nigerians in San Francisco.

You got rich. Is he rich? No. He's not rich. I thought you knew your Texas women. Not my Nigerian men that live in San Francisco somehow. What does he do for work? He works in tech. What do you do for work?

I work in tech. Whoa, I see what's going on here. Some fucking tech. Some fucking tech shit, dude. You guys are pressing each other's buttons and shit. Did you guys meet in the same office? No, we met in high school. Wow, look at that.

We didn't date in high school because neither one of us was cute. Is he your cousin? Am I supposed to answer his questions? I'm part of the show, sweetie. I'm not the ghost of white man's past or anything over here. I'm a living, breathing Jeff Foxworthy. How long have you lived in L.A.? A year. A year. How's that going for you? you lived in L.A.? A year.

A year. How's that going for you? It's going excellent. I love it here. What do you like about it? I love the weather, right? So I love the heat and everything. And plus, everybody here is really motivated

to accomplish something, so that's cool. Heck yeah. What part of town do you live in? Hollywood. Ooh. Ooh. Have you lived here the whole time or did you start in the Valley somewhere?

No. No? You just came straight into Hollywood? Yeah. Like, eastern part of Hollywood? Regular Hollywood. Regular Hollywood. Regular Hollywood.

What's that, like, La Brea and Santa Monica? What are we calling regular Hollywood here? It's like Hollywood and, you know, Hollywood and, like, Vine. Yeah. East of La Brea. That's what I thought. And it's not a black thing. It's for people that just move here.

People that normally. I didn't think it was. Normally the valley. At least you made it to this side of the hill. Right. What's wrong with the valley, man? Yeah. Yeah, you don't scoff at the valley.

Wow. All right. There's a... I don't even think that was a human. I think that was truly Brody from another dimension just trying to push us along. Hell yeah. Jasmine, you do anything that would surprise us about you? Any special hobbies or

things that you're into? Maybe I'm a yogi. Maybe that's weird because I'm a black woman. I don't know. A yogi? Yeah, I do yoga often. That's a stretch. Yoga, girl.

You think that's an interesting thing for a black person? Yeah, because I'm usually the only black person in class, so yes. Well, I mean, most classes it's that way, though. Am I right? Come on. Come on, people. It's the internet.

They can't take anything away from me. If you spell knowledge with three Ks, you might be a redneck. Okay. Boom. knowledge with three K's, you might be a redneck. Okay. Boom.

Foxworthy, what'd you do this time? All right, Jasmine. Well, it was nice to meet you. Fun times up here. Make some noise for Jasmine, everybody. Jasmine W. She's on Instagram at Jasmine JW. J-A-Z-M-Y-N-J-W. Heck yeah. We're off and running.

Jeff Foxworthy over there slaying. Bill Engvall, how are you doing over there? It's great to be here, Tony. All right. This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Pierce Maxo. Pierce Maxo. Here we go.

Coming from the back point. Hey. And drop that roll out. Roll out. Hey. One more time for Pierce Maxo, everyone. Hey, what's up? What's up?

One more time for Pierce Maxo, everyone. What's up? What's up? Over Christmas, you know, Christmas dinner I had with my family, they got really mad at me because my stepbrother came out during Christmas dinner and he said that he was pansexual. And so I just said, maybe we shouldn't do the dishes after dinner. Turns out that's not what it means.

It means you think you're a panda or something like that. Anyway, so I live with three 85-year-old Puerto Rican ladies. That's one Puerto Rican. So I know what it's like to be Hugh Hefner back in the day in the Playboy Mansion, except my Playboy house is smaller and in Puerto Rico, and it's got Benjamin Buttons or something like that. Growing up, my dad was always the guy who was like, we'd go to stores and he would be like, you guys are going to throw that out anyways after, so... Oh, the cat. Sorry. No, go ahead. I want to hear how the fuck this ends.

So my dad would be the guy at the store and be like, you guys are going to throw that out afterwards anyways, so can I just take a couple now? Which was always super awkward, especially when we were at the animal shelter. Alright, that's it. Thank you. Roll out.

Roll out. Hey. Okay, so Pierce. First of all, I just want to let you know, I fucking love you. Oh, thank you. Because you know what? Fuck yeah.

I like it. I like it fucking bad. All right, good. I like it like that. You're really, really, really, really new at this, right? Please, for the love of God, please tell me. This is like one of your first few times ever doing stand-up. Yeah, this is my seventh time doing it.

I'm new. Seventh time. Thank you. Yeah, I'm a weekend. You told me you were doing this for eight years. I had bad news for you, buddy. Yeah. Wow. So congratulations, seven I had bad news for you, buddy. Yeah. Wow.

So congratulations seven times. How old are you? 21. 21. Look at you. You're perfect, Pierce. This is amazing. 21 years old.

You're already living with three Puerto Rican ladies. That's right. I am. You got Ray Romano's voice. Yeah, you really do. Hi, Ma. No, he doesn't. Pierce, do you think... Hey, I know he doesn't Pierce Hey

I live in Puerto Rico ladies Do you think Hey Oh Angela Oh hey Oh get her done Oh Do you think that that

Has anyone ever told you That you sound like Ray Romano No You're surprised about this No I've never heard that More like Ray Romano? No. You're surprised about this. No. I've never heard that. More like gay Romano. Am I right?

Gay Romano. Yeah. My goodness. This guy looks like every kid who didn't have a speaking line in the Sandlot. Wow. Wow. How do you feel about that, Pierce? That's pretty funny, actually.

This is a shirt. Yeah. That would be funny, actually. This shirt. Yeah. They don't quit. You sound like Ray Romano. It's official.

Yeah, I'm Ray Romano. I was in Ice Age. Wow. So, Pierce, how long have you been 21 for? Two months. Two months in to even having a chance at coming here, and here you are at the ripe age of 21. That's just incredible.

My goodness. I loved you in the two-part HBO Michael Jackson documentary, by the way. You were great. I mean, I really... This guy looks like he never left Neverland. Tony, I just saw that Michael Jackson documentary Let me see I'm glad he got Mahee-hee-tood Hashtag Mahee-hee-tood

Joelberg's running jokes from his act No I'm Larry the cable guy I'm here to get her done Wow You're Larry the stable guy And. I'm here to get her done. Wow. Okay. You're Larry the Stable Guy and the Golden Pony's not happy with that joke. Alright. Come on. Come on. Alright. So Pierce.

Wow. So you're 21. Did you go to college? I did. I dropped out. Yeah? Where were you studying? Business. Business. This is economics. Will you scream the name Deborah for us real quick? Deborah! Ah, you son of a bitch.

Wow. So what's the most 21-year-old thing about you? Tell us about some of the immature parts of your life. Are you only here right now because you were chasing Pokemon eggs or something like that? And you're just like, fuck, I'll sign up for this. I just got a credit card, actually. So, yeah, that's something I definitely, it's like an adult move, I think.

You got a credit card? Yeah, I got a credit card, and I have to pay it off at the beginning of April. Well, what are you spending on your credit card? What are you buying? Just like everything. What'd you buy today? What did you buy, Miss Piggy?

Oh, boy. I bought everything. Today I bought groceries from Trader Joe's. Wow, what'd you get? What fucking groceries did you get, huh? Did you get some fucking Trader G-Oat toast, frozen pizza? I don't know. I just got

fresh fruits and stuff like that. Everybody loves fresh fruits. Do I sound like... Yeah. It sounds like Fresh fruits and stuff like that. Everybody loves fresh fruits. Do I sound like... Yeah. It sounds like you have permanent Pepto-Bismol stuck in your throat. Oh, that's not very nice. Pierce, is it true... I'm hearing a rumor up here.

We have breaking news that you get all the pussy. Is there any truth to that rumor? I actually haven't been late in a while, to be honest with you. Really? Wow, this report is completely fake. Yeah, it's off. Why do you think it's been a while since you've gotten

late, if you had to guess? I haven't tried, to be honest. Really? Let me ask you this, Pierce. When you try, what exactly do you do? Give us an example of what trying is. That's a problem. I don't have any moves. I'm not, you know.

All right, practice on me, Jeff Foxworthy. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I want to see. So you're out. You're at a bar right now. Yeah, I'm at a bar. Jeff Foxworthy's playing saxophone in the corner of the bar.

Toodle-oo. Hi, it's me, Jeff Foxworthy, down at the end of the bar. Come on, Peter. Oh, you're Fox? You said your last name? Fox. All right. Awfully Foxy.

Awfully Foxy because of the fox. Who are you talking to? We're at a bar right now. Eyes on me, buckaroo. Okay. Oh, I just got a hit on you right now? Can I buy you a drink, Jeff? I mean, okay, sure. Alright.

Two whiskeys. Alright, here's your two whiskeys. I'm just improvising a scene. Here's your two whiskeys. Now what? There you go. So, uh, you come here often? Come on, Pierce. Make your move. Make your move, Pierce.

I mean, I occasionally come to this bar. It's a nice establishment. I'd like to take you home and see what that nookie duster can do for me. I couldn't even get through. You had me at, I want to take you home. Like, it's like, your voice is ridiculous. You really didn't know that you sounded like that at all? No, I know.

It's because my mouth's dry. Yeah, that's it. No, it's not. No, it's not. I look like a sloth from the Goonies was hot. Here's some caveman coffee. Would you like some delicious nitro caveman coffee? Did you know that if you use the promo code KILTONI,

you save 15% off all your purchases right now? Yeah. It's incredible. Does that taste like Tate Fletcher? What? No. All right. Now say the Pledge of Allegiance. I pledge allegiance.

Yeah, it wasn't your cotton mouth, dude. It wasn't your cotton mouth. I know, I know. I just sound like this. It sounds like you have an everlasting cock in your throat. Wow. It's actually pretty good. Yeah, no kidding.

Did you know that you could save 15% by using the promo code KILTONI at cavemancoffeeco.com? Yeah. That's the way to get it, Pierce. Everybody loves caveman coffee. Wow. All right.

Well, I guess I have to keep moving on. Yeah, that's fine. I find you so goddamn interesting at the same time. There he goes. Sign up again. Come back. Pierce Maxo, everyone. He's on Twitter at PierceMAZ.

I like that guy. Seven times? He could be one of the greats one day. People don't start off amazing. A lot of people people seven times is much much believe it or not worse than that one more time for Pierce everybody

alright here's another what appears to be another interesting new name make some noise for your next comedian Thad Skylark everyone Thad Skylark is that Thad Skylark. Is that Thad? Lying naked on the floor.

Here he comes. Here's Thad Skylark, everyone. Come on, make some noise for Thad Skylark, everyone. Come on, make some noise for Thad Skylark. Hi. When does my time start? Right now. Oh, shit. Hey, I'm Thad Skylark. Don't forget the spaghetti that's about to come out of my lesbian mouth.

Check it out. You're probably wondering why a woman with a beard and a man dress is standing in front of you. I'll get to that. Relax. I'm wearing a man dress because I'm Muslim. Watch out. Please don't move. Relax. I know you guys are getting antsy. Let it sink in. Watch out. Please don't move. Relax. I know you guys are getting antsy. Let it sink in. Just relax.

Okay, one of my favorite pastimes is fucking my... I mean... Relax, guys. Come on. Hey. The reason I fuck my cousins is... This is...

You guys have made this very hard for me I have a cheat sheet over here Fuck Oh god Thad Skylark everyone Let's do it Thad Let's talk about it You're okay buddy

You're gonna be just fine Don't pull whatever strings you have attached to you or anything like that. This is all going to be okay. Oh, shit. Thad, how are you, buddy? What's happening? Fucking awful, man.

Jeff Foxworthy, what do you think? Yeah, how does he look like all the characters from Aladdin rolled into one? Got my ass. I guess you sort of look like Aladdin. I guess I could see that. I was going to say I loved you in the new two-part HBO Michael Jackson documentary as Michael Jackson. So, Thad, let's talk about it.

What's going on? Listen, man, This is my passion. I'm actually really funny. I believe you. I'm telling... No, I swear to God. No, it's okay. I swear to Allah.

I promise. You are the hairiest pillowcase I've ever seen in my life. Really is. The outfit he's wearing for you podcast listeners has the exterior look of a gigantic pillowcase. He really does. Style. So, Thad, what is your ethnicity? Let's talk about it.

I'm Arabic. Arabic. Yeah. What part? One of them. Wow. Jesus. You realize you already made it through TSA.

Like, you're in America. You can answer the questions now. This isn't the final part of customs. For your final mission, you go to the comedy store. That was okay. This is normally where I'd make a Muslim bombing joke,

but I mean, there's been 300 episodes before this that I can't do it again somebody would make a 10 minute compilation of them anyway but you did you did bomb as a Muslim at the comedy store I mean you still did

Arabic hold on you want me to read your fucking joke get out of here step away from the talent yes it's okay it's okay You want me to read your fucking joke? Get out of here. Get that fucking... Step away from the talent. Yes. Thad. Thad, it's okay.

Hello. It's okay. So what does it say on your hand? What did you forget to do? Oh, this is so fucked. It literally... There was a segue into a joke about me bombing. You sound how the other guy before you should have sounded.

You sound like a 21-year-old white guy. I'm Muslim. I'm Arabic. Hey. Thad, what does it say? It's too late now. You've made me insecure. Now I'm very sad.

Oh, wow. I'm sad, Skylark. Thank you, guys. Maybe you should have been a little bit insecure before you're sad. Maybe that would have... If you think bombing and comedy is a good thing, you might be a Muslim. So, Thad, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Okay, so I'm a shit you not. I flew in from Chicago specifically for this. Yes, for Kill Tony. No, to perform for Kill Tony and to do the three minutes over the original. Did you get up over there? Yeah. You did?

I had everything. I literally memorized my entire set. I didn't think my name was going to get called. Of course. I shit you not. The second I came up here, fucking bombed. So how'd it go over there? Oh, I didn't get to go over there.

My name didn't get drawn over there. But you came over here. Came ready. You got pulled out of the bucket. You got lucky. Yeah, I did not get lucky. So this is lucky. This is your first time doing stand-up? Ever. Wow.

All right. Okay, good. Okay. You came from Chicago. When did you land? Literally this morning. Did you fly 72 Virgin Airlines? Oh.

Did you? Did you fly 72 Virgin Airlines? Oh Come on Did you? Did you fly that? Wow that is so fucking cool I took my magic carpet When do you go back? Literally like three days Three days? Yeah

Wow What do you have any other plans while you're in Los Angeles? What you're gonna do? I didn't plan that far ahead. We didn't get past stage two of the plan, so I was... Because I was supposed to... Shut up.

Shut up to the ice house. Did you come with anybody? Did you come with anybody else? Did you fly solo? Literally, my fucking friend left right before you called my name. Where did he go? He's like, man, I've never, I can't

do this, and he left. Why did he say he can't do this? He was texting me as my name got called. Is he Arabic from Chicago as well? Unfortunately. We come in pairs. He saw people laughing and enjoying themselves. He's like, I cannot bear this anymore.

I need to get the fuck out of here. I'm going to go smoke cigarettes on the sidewalk. Is that what he's doing right now, you think? Probably, man. He's probably fucking driving his taxi somewhere. Driving what? His taxi somewhere. Okay, I see what you're doing.

You're trying to do Muslim stereotypes. It's not funny when you're the race that does it. I can't be like, oh, I invested in stocks earlier because I'm white. But if a black person, if they were like, man, Tony, you'd be investing in stocks and shit. That'd be funny. But you can't. All right, anyway. I'm just trying to help you with that.

Fuck me. It's okay. right, anyway. I'm just trying to help you with that. Fuck me. It's okay. So, wow. How come you don't want to talk about what part? What? Oh, I'm from Iraq. I was just busting the balls. Oh, all right.

It's Arabian Nights, for those of you wondering. If you think Iraq is antlers on a deer, you might be a redneck. Ha, ha. That's good. That's good. antlers on a deer, you might be a redneck. Wow. Thad, how long have you been in America? I was born here. I'm fucking more American. No, no, I was born here.

We're not going to do this shit. No, it's okay. Jesus, Thad, you're a very serious man, boy or something, whatever you are. Were your parents pretty strict on you growing up? They won't if they're alive. Were they strict? Did you have strict parents? No, not at all.

That's why I look the way I do. Come on, man. I don't understand what that means exactly. I don't know what you think you look like, Thad. That looks really comfortable, by the way. I'm having a fucking identity crisis. What? I'm having identity crisis. What do you mean by that? Look at me.

Is that how you dress when you're in Chicago? Does the wind blow up your little uh... up your little tish-tish? Yes. Probably a little bush-bush? We don't know. I can't even imagine. You should check out,

you ever been to Manscaped.com? The old Manscaped? Oh, yeah. Is that the place that sent us that cool, what was that? It was a great Sherman. What was that company? I can't remember. Damn it.

We'll talk about it next week. So anyway, Thad, wow. What's your favorite part about being an American? I love America. There you go. Good answer. Wow. Thad, you have all of the likability

of Borat with none of the comedy part at all. None of it. You have the thing. You have the thing. You have the shell. You have the outer shell of Borat. Holy shit.

Thank you. Well, I mean, Thad, I really wish you the best. I don't know how to fucking... Are you going to keep on doing this, do you think? Are you going to try it again? I promise you, you will see me somewhere one day. Not on like a newspaper. Hello, hello, Akbar.

I told you, I promise. This is how I really talk. I was doing American accent whole time I was on the Kill Tony. I really speak like Evil Arabic Man. My wife. If you think the Middle East is Kentucky, you might be a redneck.

Alright. Well, Thad, we're gonna keep it moving along. Please try it again, man. I would love to see you. You know what? Before, hold on. Hold on one second. You know what? I feel like we didn't really bring closure to this.

Let me ask you something. Go ahead. Thad, what did you think was going to happen here tonight? I thought I was going to knock this shit out of the park. I shit you not. Really? I swear to God. Do another joke.

Do one more joke. Okay. No, no. I had, can I pull it up? Yeah. Can I pull it up? That's what the crowd wants. Everybody's rooting for the underdog.

It's 2019. Everybody wants the Iraqi to do good. This is the world we live in now. If it was a straight white male, you guys would be like, get him the fuck off the stage. Yes, Thad, do one more joke. Okay. Okay, so my real name is not Thad Skylark, of course.

It's fucking stupid. I chose Thad Skylark as my stage name because 22 years ago, my parents thought Osama bin Saddam Hussein Abu Gaddafi was a good name for a kid. There you go. Look at that. Look at that street cred right there.

Look at that. Hell yeah. There you go. You did it. That's the highest level one can accomplish. There he goes. That's Skylark, everyone. people travel from around the country for the opportunity to come on this stage if you do good enough everybody knows you get a handshake from the cool black guy in the second row that's the

uh every time we pitch this show to a network or anything, they're always like, yeah, but what do they win? What's the... What is the... Oh, Ron White. Beautiful. Ron White's here, everybody. Thought the crowd was just going crazy. Hey, there he is. Ron White is back.

Yes. We are live with Ron White and delicious number one tequila. The blue collar comedy tour rides again. Oh, hey. That's right. That's Foxworthy, hey. That's right. Yeah, Foxworthy, everybody. Yeah, Foxworthy. Ron, they came out as the blue collar comedy tour. I didn't get to tell them you were going to be

late until very close to the start of the show and I think they wanted to surprise you with it. All your old friends are here. Yeah, I was getting drunk at a friend of mine's house and I couldn't make it over. A really rare occurrence. If you've been avoiding my phone calls, you might be Ron White.

If you hadn't acted, I wouldn't be avoiding your phone calls. You got Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Angle, and you got Larry, the Mexican cable guy, right behind you. Get her done. Ron's got a bottle of tequila. I didn't have time to grab a glass. We got some glasses coming, hopefully.

Yeah, I think so. I think we probably have glasses on the way. is coming, hopefully. Yeah, I think so. I think we probably have glasses on the way. So, Ron, we just had a guy from Iraq come up here, and we waited until he was off the stage to clear you for security reasons. Oh, yeah, okay,

great. So, we're all safe. We're reset. You excited to watch some comedians tonight? I'm just glad I didn't wear my turban, dude. I love it. Exactly. That's a rough thing to do nowadays. Someone told me that that means you can go up to someone and ask them for help. Did you guys know about this?

Okie dokie. Alright. Tell me if you think this is funny. Okay. Mother Mother Teresa and Lady Diane are in heaven and Mother Teresa is talking to the Lord and she's a little miffed. And she goes, I just don't get it some days, you know?

I live my life in squalor, and I dedicate my life to the sick and the hopeless. Lady Diane, she went to cocktail parties and wore nice clothes. Why does she have a halo and I don't? And the Lord said, don't worry, Mother Teresa, that's not a halo. It's a steering wheel. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can confirm that.

Too soon? Too fucking soon? 21 years? Huck, huck, huck, huck. Here's some glasses. We have a couple cups of ice as well. There we go. All right.

You guys ready to keep this fun train moving along? You want to see a comedian, Ron? Ron's picking a name. Ron did it. Okay, for the people that just got here, explain to us how this works. Oh, no, we've been doing it. We've been doing it, Ron. No, maybe some people walked in just a minute ago with me. We watched them do 60 seconds

and then we talked to them afterwards. Okay. What did you get there? Oh, that says Side Dick Eddie. Side Dick Eddie. Side Dick Eddie. Alright, here we go.

Side Dick Eddie, ladies and gentlemen. Give it up. Ladies and gentlemen, Side Dick Eddie. Ladies and gentlemen. Give it up. Thank you. I DJ at a strip club and I smoke a lot of weed. So, like, I think about some dumb shit all the time.

Like, one day I realized strippers don't vote. And the reason why strippers don't vote is because they think when they go behind that curtain, they're going to have to suck someone's dick. And they don't do that for free. It's at least a five-song minimum. Imagine going to the goddamn voting poll. You got to get a condom when you vote and shit, go back there with a stripper.

That's my joke. Thank you, Tony. All right. You have 30 seconds left if you want to do more. I can do a little more. Now you have 17 seconds. Imagine getting a handjob while you vote though by a stripper though at the same time. Like how would you be able to mark

a check mark on who you want to vote? We'll have fucking Trump in the office again. So imagine. We got to get the strippers to start voting for everybody out there. Let them know they don't have to suck dick when they go behind that curtain. Side dick Eddie. There you go. Side dick Eddie.

Side dick Eddie. Side dick Eddie. Side dick. Yeah. Heck yeah. Side dick Eddie. Side dick Eddie? Yeah, yeah.

Am I saying that right? Yeah, like someone on the side, never taken serious. Side dick. Like a sidekick, but a side dick. Yeah, there you go. Gotcha. Okay, all right. Now, did you take your mother's maiden name?

Or? Now, did you take your mother's maiden name? So, Side Dick. All right. All right, Jeff. Wow. So, how long have you been going by the name Side Dick Eddie? Man, that's like four or five years, honestly. Four or five years.

Yeah, it all started when I was Side Dick one night, and it just stuck with me. I actually know Side Dick Eddie. He's very funny. And I've been telling him he needs to change his name for stage, because you can't be at the funny bone and be like, we got Side Dick Eddie here this weekend, you know? I don't think that's the problem. We got Side Dick Eddie here this weekend, you know? I don't think that's the problem. I think there's a whole nother problem.

How long you been doing stand-up, Side Dick Eddie? This is probably like my seventh time going up. Seventh time on stage. God bless you, dude. It's hard to do, right? It's hard to do. Yep, absolutely. I think the to do, right? It's hard to do. Yep. Absolutely. I think the seventh night I went on stage, I sucked dog dicks for dimes up there.

Yeah. And so that wasn't that bad. Do seven times. I got my dicks sucked before my seven times. I think you hang out at titty bars a lot. And I think you get a lot of hand jobs. And I think you and Robert Kraft have way more in common. I didn't pay for them though. How long have you been working at strip clubs?

Since I was 18 and I'm 33. Yeah, man. I got drafted out of high school. To work in a strip club. Everybody in here is going nuts. 11 years? 12? What is it? 18, 33? That's unknowable. Unknowable. It's 11 years, 12 years. What is it? 1833.

That's unknowable. Unknowable. It's either that or online dating. Right? My God. So, wow. What are some of your favorite memories in strip club? Memories.

Strip club memories. Memories. I remember some chick started her period on a customer when she was giving a lap dance one. Wow. Cherry pie. That's incredible. He had a white shirt on, too.

He had a white shirt on? He probably had to go back to the office after that. No, we gave him a strip club shirt. Like, we could have sent him home in that shirt. Oh, right, right, right. Wow. Is a strip club shirt better? Right, right, right.

Wow. Is a strip club shirt better? Is there a reason why all the DJs sound exactly the same? Like, when you get hired, do they go sound like that? You go to strip club college, bro. I mean, for real, though. No, honestly, I think it's just someone that taught them that and just passes it down. But I try to be normal. I don't use a strip club voice.

Yeah, what do you do? Can you give us an example of how you would bring up a girl? We change the grease of the deep fat flyers every third Wednesday. So don't forget to get some chicken wings. I've been to a couple. Alright, I got it. I mean,

normally you kind of have a little power over the mic, so if a girl doesn't tip you, I'm like, this next showgirl hasn't tipped me in two weeks, fella, so I wouldn't be mad if you didn't tip her. Whoa. Is that true? Brutal. Have you ever done that to someone?

Oh, yeah. I did that yesterday. Damn. I had this old chick. I go, this chick started dancing when Kobe Bryant started playing basketball. Wow. He speaks the truth. He speaks the truth. He speaks the truth.

My goodness. That's incredible. And is it a business that you're still in it, right? It's easy money. It's either that or Walmart. It's the path of least resistance. It's the path surrounded by titties and free shots. Yeah.

All right, I get it. I totally fucking get it, dude. You ever get arrested? You ever been arrested, side dick Eddie? Yeah, I've been arrested a couple times. Yeah, anything fun? I blacked out when I was driving drunk. I got a DUI.

Oh. Yeah, I didn't wake up until they tased me twice. What? Damn. That was 10 years ago, though. Yeah, it's a lot. Yeah, though. That's a long time. You're putting other lives in danger. No big fucking deal, you know?

Who can't get past that? It took you two times to wake up? Yeah, dude. Fuck, I need you on my team. Oh, shit. Welcome to another episode of Drinking and Swords with Ron White. Last week, we hit 95 million YouTube subscribers of people waiting to see what will happen with Ron White. All right, all right.

Wow. So, side dick. What else, man? Two times with a taser. Tell us some more fun facts about side dick. Can I call you Side Dick? Sure, yeah. Always a sad dick, never the main dick. Never.

Never. I don't even get the Netflix code or nothing like that. It's that simple. What was that? I don't even get the Netflix code or anything like that. I'm a side dick. Stranger things have happened. Oh, I see. Yeah. I see. Wow, two times you blacked out.

Did you wreck your car that night? No, you know what? They thought I stole the car, even the way I look. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they tased... They tased me twice. The second one woke me up, and I remember going to the hospital, because, you know, when they tase you, they gotta take you there. The cops were like, yeah, you're real cool

right now that you're not blacked out you know i guess i was blacked out drunk just driving like i was in super mario you know damn but hey at least i didn't die i'm here you ever date a stripper like you ever oh yeah what do you mean how all the time what was your name how long was it how did it last like how many weeks uh i didn't get to know her real name i always know their stripper name. That's it. Wow. Like once I get to their real name, I'm like, all right, that's it. Right. Hit the road.

I like your stripper name better. You ever hook up with like side chick Edna or something like that? Yeah. I met side pussy Paula before. Wow. That's fucking amazing. Well, there you go. It was nice to meet you. You did it.

First time on Kill Tony. Thank you. Thank you very much. was nice to meet you. You did it. First time on Kill Tony. Thank you. Thank you very much. He fucking did it. He fucking did it. Oh, shit. Fist bumps. One night stand.

Don't say a word. That's Side Dick Eddie on Twitter. He's also on George Perez Stories. He's on that podcast with George Perez, so check that out. Heck yeah. Side dick Eddie. How do you know that? What do you and that guy do together? What kind of side dick

friendships do you have going on? A lot of bad stuff, Tony. A lot of bad stuff. Alright. We've seen this young lady before quite a few times. Make some noise for her return. It is Alice Hamilton, ladies and gentlemen. Alice Hamilton.

Here she comes. I just found out that Ariana Grande is not Mexican. I thought she was. She's a white lady. She just wears an amount of self-tanner that I personally feel borderlines blackface. And I'm not trying to hate on her. I'm not trying to cancel Ariana. I love her.

And I'm not trying to hate on women that use self-tanner. You can use self-tanner. You can't use wood finish. That's... No, too much. Her last name isn't even Grande. It's Grandy. As in Yankee Doodle Dandy Ariana Grandy.

Tony hates it when I just say meow when I'm done, so now I have to, like, idle for a minute. How are you doing, Cassandra? There it is. There you go. Alice Hamilton, everyone idle for a minute. How are you doing, Cassandra? There it is. There you go. Alice Hamilton, everyone. Exactly a minute.

Very good, Alice. One of my favorite things about this show is when somebody's been on it a few times and you can tell that they're working a lot and you see them get better. This was one of those times. I mean, that was a very fun set. All right, guys. Return of Alice Hamilton.

It's been a while. Was it Phoenix or something like that last time? Yeah, Phoenix, yeah. That was cool. Well, welcome back. A little background about Alice, Ron. Her parents are black and racist against, wait for it, black people. Hang on.

One of them's black, one of them just standard racist. Oh, one's black, one's white, and they're both racist. They're an interracial racist couple. Wow. Look at that. Inter-racist. Yeah. So how are they doing?

How have they been? Are they good, the parents? They're, I mean, I imagine they're good. I don't chat with them a lot. I have to see them in like a week, though, because one of my sisters is getting married, so it'll be like a big over you. Are we just going to skim over the sad news

that Ariana Grande is not Mexican? I'm floored. Yeah. What a bitch. Bitch. She's not just like Italian or some shit. Ugh. Yeah.

Sorry, Tony. Anyway. Yeah. Every sentence I can think of has the word tits right in the middle of it. So I'm just going to go ahead. I'm going to go ahead and pass. I'm just going to pass.

I'm going to let it go. I'm not going to say it. I'm not even going to say it. But very, very, very funny. And great structure. And great punchlines. Fuck you. Fuck you. I was trying to punchlines. Fuck you. Fuck you.

I was trying to be nice. Structure. That's how you write something, motherfuckers. Structure. Yeah, no, I'm with you, Ron. I love it. Right, thank you very much. It's all about the structure.

Anyway, very, very impressive. Thank you. All right, that's it. Yeah. So, Alice, that was all about Ariana Grande. What about your normal life? What's going on in the real life of Alice Hamilton? I mean, I'm just doing well at comedy.

I don't have fucking hobbies. But, I mean, there must be other things in your life that are happening. Oh, okay. Actually, last time I saw my dad, he told me. My parents are also like insanely religious. My dad told me that he's not going to die. He said that people don't know you don't have to. Wow.

Great perspective. That's interesting. Yeah. Man. Did he go into it? Like what did he say? He did not elaborate If we were a little smarter

We wouldn't die Yeah if you were smarter than a 5th grader Alright Jeff Alright Jeff You're really milking it Come on Foxworthy Easy Seabiscuit All right, Jeff. All right, Jeff. You're really milking it. Come on, Foxworthy. Easy, Seabiscuit.

My goodness. What did you say to your dad when he told you that he's not going to die? I didn't know what to say. We were at a funeral. It was a little rude of him to say that he's not going to die. Just talking shit over the corpse. I'm never going to die, you fucking little bitch. Wow. That's impressive.

I would say that your dad's in for a surprise, but I guess technically I'd be wrong, because he will never really find out that he died. He's gonna just die. Yeah. Your dad's the black one? Indeed, yes.

Wow. Yeah, he's going to die. It doesn't really matter. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think you're on to something. I think so. I think you're on to something. Wow.

What else is going on, Alice? You're like a nanny or something like that, right? Yes, I am a nanny. How have the babies been? They've been pretty good. Oh, my God. Okay, one of them is like potty training, and so the mom's plan is to like he's just naked all the time

and so the idea is that like he'll piss everywhere and then he'll see where it's coming from and aim it for the toilet. That's how I did it. Yeah. He's pretty much. You gotta go number Juan or number two? Juan. He's pretty much just

peeing all over me and his mom right now. Wow. Yeah. That's pretty much just peeing all over me and his mom right now. Wow. Yeah. That's how that's going. Man, that is. But other than the kinky stuff, how are they doing? Sounds like this little baby's got a case of the R. Kelly's. You know what I mean?

Stupid. Well. All right, Alice. Well, fun right, Alice. Well, fun times, another good new minute. Thank you. Anything else for Alice, guys? There she goes, Alice Hamilton.

I would encourage you to keep going. Man, that band sounds fantastic tonight. That sound is brought to you by Ludwig Drums. Thank you. That's right. Ludwig Drums. A brand new Kill Tony drum set. All right. I believe this is a member of the Apollo 13

that makes some noise for... Make some noise for Jasmine Carter, everyone. Jasmine Carter. Hi. Okay, so I grew up in church, and it was one of my first times taking communion, and they told me it was the blood of Jesus, and I was like, hold on, wait a second.

I know how HIV is transmitted. No, I'm not saying Jesus has anything. I just don't think they sterilize nails every time they decide to crucify someone, because it seemed like a waste of time, right? But I tried it, and it was pretty good. I was like, okay, Jesus. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. And that's how I knew Jesus was black,

because his blood tastes like grape juice. And just a sprinkle of diabetes. And, ooh, man, if he was white, it would taste like something healthy, like low-solium chicken broth, I believe is what it is. Or correct me if I'm wrong, a pineapple kale smoothie with wheatgrass shot and flax seeds, is that? Right. Boom.

Another new minute. Jasmine Carter. Heck yeah. Hi, Tony. Wow, this is so cool. You're the Jasmine that I thought I pulled out earlier that was on a few weeks ago, and here you are. I'm here.

That's so cool. Welcome back. Thank you. I saw that you were in the hospital. I was, three days in the hospital. Brain surgery. Yes. Wow.

Yep, three weeks ago today. You had brain surgery, and now you just did that. I did that. That's amazing. Yeah. Look at that. I did that. That's amazing. Look at that. What do you have brain surgery for? I don't know how brain surgery really works.

I don't know if it's one of those things. Yeah, there's no reason you would. Yeah, it's not really my... A lot of comics are brain surgeons. I have a disease condition called Chiari malformation. It's when your brain is, your skull, you don't have enough room in your skull for your brain, so your brain goes through the opening and sits on your skull. Chiari malformation is my favorite rapper.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. MC Chiari. That's such a cool problem to have, Too much brain. Yeah, too much brain. You know, giving too much head. That's what happened. So do they just

cut out pieces? Do they know which piece to cut out? Hopefully you don't remember your back. Does it take away memories? They trim the fat away like butcherbox.com. Just a little bit. I was like, leave the funny part. Take all the stuff you learned in high school. But no, they take out a piece of your spine and a piece of your skull,

and then they take a layer of your skin, because it's five layers before you get to the skull, and they take that and they patch it over, boom, like saran wrap over your brain. So it's like, yeah, that's what happens. Damn. Yeah, it's going on. It's going down.

Y'all see the scar? It's right there. Right here and right there. That's incredible. What got you through? What were you doing in recovery when you were chilling or whatever? What helped pass the time for you? Drugs.

What did they do? They gave you a little drip or something like that? They gave me Dilaudid in the hospital. I was on Oxy. Oh, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. That was great, man. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. Take a trip to Napa Valley. They gave me, I'm little, so they gave me little baby doses. Yeah, baby heroin is what I called it. It was amazing. Yeah, yeah. Oxy, hydrocodone, muscle relaxers. Fuck yeah.

I was on everything. And something else. Tylen, hydrocodone, muscle relaxers. Fuck yeah. I was on everything. And something else. Tylenol and Benadryl. Good old Benadryl. Yeah. For the itching. My goodness. Yeah.

Anything else stand out to you about that trip to the surgeon? Any other interesting stuff? Were you scared? No. I felt that it was a black man that was doing my surgery, so I was like, you got me. Yeah. Oh, okay. It was a couple of, it was like three, it was this real old guy. He was really old.

He made me nervous. I couldn't hear what he was saying. Was he excited to operate on Chris Tucker? Oh, come on, Larry. It's good to keep in mind that opioid addiction can happen after only five days. And the key to that message

is four days. Got it. Four days. Four days. Let's go to Thailand for four fucking days. Take a day off. Right? You can pull through this. Look at a lot of people. Look at a lot of people. I'm off all the drugs now, so I'm just enduring

whatever pain is left. I don't want to get addicted to anything. Right, right. Wow. Man, that is so cool though that you were able to recover and probably have one of your best sets ever on this show. Yeah. Really good. So awesome. Let's keep it moving along. There's Jasmine Carter,

everybody. She's on Instagram at underscore underscore Jasmine. J-A-S-M-Y-N. Okay. You guys having fun out there? Come on. What about it? Digging deep.

Let's see what happens. So we memorialized our friend Brody Stevens in this room on Monday. And I'd just like to tell you guys that you never know when the last time you see somebody is going to be and never hesitate to ever say I'm going to need that money.

How dare you? You're right. No, we're right. It's too soon. It's $40 fucking dollars. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for your next comedian, Che Kargner or Sargner.

Whoa, look at this guy. Middle of the room, 360. Swig of the beer. This guy's amazing. Wow. Come on, guys, make some noise. It's Che Cardner. Hi, everyone.

So one time I was in Mexico with my girlfriend, and we were driving down the road, and there was this group of men wearing masks, and they were carrying machine guns. So they pulled us over to the side of the road. And so I'm a Marine, former Marine. I've got combat training, but I'm also a feminist, so I figured that I really shouldn't mansplain combat tactics or escape and evade tactics, so I ran.

I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm not a feminist. I saved her. True story. Does anyone... Thank you, sir, ma'am. Does anyone else wonder... There you go, Jake Har'am. Does anyone else wonder? There you go, Jake Hargner.

Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome. So excited to be here. I bet you are. You've seen me a lot around, haven't you? Have I? I was at the Ice House on Friday, sitting in the front row. I've been to every Kill Tony since I discovered this show.

How long ago was that? About a month and a half, basically since, who was it, Tiffany Haddish? Yeah. The one before Tiffany Haddish. Okay. Yeah, anyways. So was this your first time doing stand-up? First time ever doing stand-up. Wow, look at that.

First time ever. Jay Carpenter. I did do public speaking at one point in my life. Yeah, what was that? What were you public speaking at? What were you doing? I was doing, I was, why is? You have to answer or else they're just going to keep laughing, Che.

That's fine. I used to lead programs for landmark education. What does that mean, landmark education? Landmark education is a personal empowerment thing where you go in and they yell at you for being an asshole for like three days, and then... What happened, Jeff? What's going on? Can you stop turning his back on me? Chase, take it. There you go.

Sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, sure. Stand there. It's a... Stay just like that. Don't turn your back to Jeff Foxworthy. Sorry, sir. Ever. Ever. And thank you for your service.

Yeah, so personal empowerment stuff. Yeah. Well, that's cool. How old are you, Jay? 48. Hell yeah. You seem like a real badass. You seem like you've lived life. You sort of... Yes, sir. You sort of remind me of Count Dooku from the Star Wars movies. That's fantastic.

I actually am a karate instructor part-time. You're a karate instructor? Part-time. Really? You know what? Is there any chance you could give us an example of some of your karate moves? Just show us a few. Tony.

Tony. Oh, come on. Oh, come on. Oh, come on. Tony, it's traditional karate. No, it's okay. Just show us. Sure. Just show us.

Here you go. Welcome to show business, buddy. Hey. Hey. Hey. That's pretty good. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

Heck yeah. For 48. Respect, dude. Respect. yeah. Yeah, yeah. Heck yeah. For 48. Respect, dude. Respect. Respect. Jeff Foxworthy, what did you think about that? How high can you kick, boy? Oh!

Seriously, I'm not flexible. Jeff Foxworthy wants to have a kickoff with you. Let's do a kickoff. I'll do a kickoff. All right, there you go. Try to kick as high as you can. Going first, Che Cargner, everybody. Don't hurt yourself, by the way. Hey, you know

that any injuries that incur the Comedy Store and Tony Hinchcliffe and Red Band aren't available. Can I warm up a little bit? Oh, yeah. Warm up a little bit. There you go. You can use Ron's hand. Whoa! That's pretty good. Can you go higher? That was pretty good. I mean, you hit it. You want to go higher? No, that's pretty good. Can you go higher?

That was pretty good. I mean, you hit it. You want to go higher? No, that's it for me. Whoa. Wow. For those of you just listening to the podcast, Jeff Foxworthy just kicked Ron White's hand up into the belly room.

That was incredible. My goodness, Jeff Foxworthy. It's weird that he could do that with my career sewed to his coattails. Well, I guess we found out who's meaner than a fifth grader. Guess we found out who's meaner than a fifth grader. You guys, I can't believe it. It's too fun. If you. All right.

So, Che, stick with me over here. Yes, sir. You have any kids or anything like that? I do have one kid. Yeah? How old's your kid? Six. Six years old. Boy or girl?

Boy. Is it with the mom? He is tonight, yeah. Yeah. Are you still with the mom? No, sir. We just got divorced. I think it's final like last Saturday.

Wow, last Saturday. Congratulations. What's your big move? Have you been hooking up with people since then? Now that you're out on the market, you've been going around town doing your fucking martial arts around the bars and shit? No, sir, I have not. No? No. I need a little break and shit? Right? No, sir, I have not. No? No.

I need a little break from that. Really? Yes, sir. Oh, wow. What happened with the wife? Can you tell us where it went wrong? After your second marriage, I think you'll understand just fine. First of all, Che, how fucking dare you try to rub your bad, toxic life luck onto me?

Right. You're as happy as you can be, right? First marriage could last forever. Absolutely. Trained in the martial arts. I got everything Che has and then some. No, so Che, can you tell us where it went wrong in this most recent marriage?

Bad luck. Did someone run you over on a bird scooter earlier, by the way? What is this shirt exactly? That is the I just went through my second divorce shirt, if I've ever seen one before. You got a tire mark on your shirt. You literally get that.

They hand that to you in the courtroom on your way out. Like, second divorce, there you go. You earned your stripe. She got all the other ones in the divorce. My goodness. That shirt has iron deficiency. So can you tell us why wear went wrong? I think it was just mostly bad luck.

She had like six or seven surgeries over our... What kind of surgeries? Brain? Did she cut her dick removed? No. Oh, come on. Jesus, Red Band. So awkward.

There he is. Red Band, ladies. Red Band. For no reason. You left her because she was sick? Bill Angle. Yeah, you probably need to find another version of that story, dude. She had six or seven surgeries, and her titties were kind of sagging, and that made her...

That's fucking... A fucking die, and you left her... Before I have to start rolling her around on a... That's not what happened, but that's hilarious. When you say that's not what happened, what do you mean exactly? Yeah, because that sounds like exactly what happened. Doesn't it? what happened. What do you mean exactly?

That sounds like exactly what happened. I think when someone goes through a lot of illness, they just get more and more maybe angry. Yeah. And I don't really deal well with people yelling at me all the time. And I feel like that's what our relationship turned into.

You're a Marine. You should be fine with that. What was she yelling at you about? What was it? Ah, that shirt again! How is it that I've had seven surgeries and somehow I'm dressed better than you? Why can't you kick so good?

Your shirt's taking an ass-whipping, dude. I didn't even hate it until now. I'm completely fine with that. I got a serious question. Oh, wow. Larry, did you ever secretly wish you would just die? No.

What was the surgeries on? I still haven't gotten any. That's fucking dark, dude. That ain't Larry the Cable Guy comedy. I'm trying to sever ties with Disney. You're locking it in with Prilosec. He does do Prilosec. It's kind of obscure.

When your wife is sick, you must quit. Here's your sign. Bill. All right. Blue collar guys, relax a little bit. These guys are out of control, Ron. Oh yeah, we're nuts. We're nuts.

Me and the boys are nuts. You can't control us. You can't fucking control us, man. We're the original blue collar comedy tour and we are fucking proud. We stand up proud and loud, motherfucker. I love it. I love it.

You're damn right. You're damn right. So, Che, what was the surgeries on? The first one was an emergency C-section where she almost died in the hospital. Wow. Having her baby. Okay, dude. These are horrible fucking stories, dude.

There's more to that story, Ron. Okay, all right. Okay, all right. The story is that the doctors kept trying to give her a drug There's more to that story, Ron. Okay, all right. Okay, all right. The story is that the doctors kept trying to give her a drug that was going to cause her to die. And so at one point, I was basically in the hospital room trying to fight off the doctors to keep them out of the room. Oh, yeah, great plan. Wait, you were trying to keep the doctors out of the room because they wanted to do what? Because they wanted to give her medicine that kept causing her to go into some kind of shock where her pulse would drop out. So at one point, it was like... So you kept the doctors out of the room because they wanted to do what? Because they wanted to give her medicine that kept causing her to go into some kind of shock where her

pulse would drop out. So you kept the doctors out of the room physically? Because they were trying to give her medicine that was going to kill her. That's what they do. Wow. That's what they do. This is just the first surgery, by the way.

Think of this. We have six more chapters of this amazing story to go. It's incredible. Okay, number two. What do you got? So number two was she went back in, and they messed up one of the stitches. So she got endometriosis, I think. And so they had to go back in and extract a bunch of the staples that had gotten inside and infected.

Wow. And there you are like, Doctor, no. Leave of the staples that had gotten inside and infected. Wow, and there you are like, doctor, no! Leave those rotten staples, you murderer! Staples, we got that too! There was no fighting on that one. Okay. No fighting on that one. Okay, let's go number...

All right. Doctors are cool. Number three. Yeah. Number three, her ovary burst on Christmas Day. Oh, fuck. Wow. Her ovary burst on Christmas Day.

Oh, fuck. Wow. The old ovary burst on Christmas Day. One second, you're under the mistletoe. The next... Pop. Fucking pop. Like a balloon. I don't know if you've ever heard an ovary burst, but it is...

It's loud. For a second, you're like, oh, my God, is there a shooting? No, just a... Ovary burst. an ovary burst. An ovary burst. That's all it is. Were you responsible for that? Were you guys fucking?

No. Just one karate punch. I'm going to blow those ovaries. Were you in the same room when it popped? I can't hear you all at once. Wait until those ovaries get a load of this dick. I'm going to get them done. All right, all right.

So a bursted ovary is number three. And how about number four? Well, number four was that the doctor, when they were taking out the ovary, they punctured her bladder. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And they didn't recognize it. Wow. So she almost bled to death.

Yeah. And then they tried to kick her out of the hospital so then it was me trying to fight the doctors again. Oh my god. So it's you out there doing your martial arts against doctors. Right. Now entering the octagon! Look at Sheva. What are you doing?

He's still doing it. Oh, Red Band panicked and had to go to fart noises. He's doing too good. Had to crush it with a fart. Okay. Che, how about surgery number five? I'll keep you up here all fucking night,

by the way. Number five. If you told me there was 75 surgeries, I'd be like, sorry to everybody else that signed up. Five, okay.

There's five surgeries, and this is the last one. I said this is the last one. I think I said five or six, but it's five. Five. Is this your favorite one? He said seven.

How many of you heard him say seven? I thought he, yeah, we heard seven. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's five. This crowd wants more surgeries.

Give us one more surgery. There's only one more. Okay, one more. Let's hear it. Yeah, what was it? Let's hear it. The final one. Her gallbladder gave out.

Fuck. Get her. Oh, my God. That's it. That calls for divorce. That's when you call the divorce attorney right there. Yeah. Instead of calling 911. Call the divorce attorney right there. Yeah. Instead of calling 911.

Call the divorce attorney. You're out. Yeah. It's time to move on down the road. How long after that surgery did you guys get divorced? Like, did... It was about a year and a half after the last surgery. And that year and a half was just, like, she was out of control?

Because I feel like... No, I mean, she was suffering, and I definitely could have been a better husband. She was suffering. That's real obvious, my friend. Everybody in the room. I'm sure. But, you know, ultimately, I didn't leave her. She left me.

She left you? She was in, like, the hospital when you left her, it sounds like. She left me in an ambulance. That's got to sting a little bit. Why did she leave you? What happened? Really?

You were there for her during five surgeries. This is where the story gets extra funny. All right. All right. This place is in chaos right now. Dude, I can't believe. What was her reason? A friend of mine.

This is your act, by the way. This is. Yeah. I actually have a lot of. Damn right. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. This is... Yeah. I actually have a lot of... Damn right. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. This is it.

This is it right here. Why did she leave you right into the tip of the microphone? She... One of my friends who'd been a close friend of mine for 20 years, the kind of person I would, like,

like, talk to and tell all about my problems... Black guy? Called... Called her and told her I was having an affair on her. And I wasn't.

Hold on. Let me break this down. A guy that she's been friends with. Girl that she's been friends with. That I've been friends with for 20 years. If you think affairs have funnel cakes, you might be a redneck. Oh, my God.

It's so funny. Affairs. So a girl that you've been friends with for 20 years called her and told her you've been having an affair. Yes. How do you know this? Your wife at the time told you that Stacy called her? Yes, it wasn't Stacy, but yes. Are you still friends with this girl?

No. No, no, no. Okay, I get it. I wouldn't be either. Why do you think she would do that? Oh, man. Why would she make up such a lie? You don't seem like the kind of guy that would at all cheat on your wife that's had seven surgeries.

No, not a bit. I really wouldn't. Nothing but good, clean, Christian behavior. We had some major philosophical differences. Yeah, you like what I'm doing to that pussy? You should see what I did to my wife. At least you still have your ovaries. Yeah.

Holy shit. Wait, wait. They're going to have to stitch you up after this. Your next wife, was it a doctor? Excuse me? Was this your first wife? Second wife. Second wife, was it a doctor? Excuse me? Was this your first wife? Second wife. My first wife, I left her because she was gay and wouldn't come out of the closet.

And then she married another woman, so I was like, I can't be the bad guy. You totally nailed it, dude. You totally fucking nailed it. You kicked her out for being a lesbian. She married another woman. I'm going to bump fists with you on that one. The second one, I got to tell you, you look like shit in this story, dude. You really look bad.

You do. You look bad in the story. You look bad in the story. How did you know the first wife was a lesbian? How did you know that? She keep, like, trying to eat your pussy or something like that? Smelly face. No, because I.

Oh, these are your guests, dude. You treat your guests like this? Yeah. Okay, yeah, you do. She was dating another woman, and I figured it out. Oh. Wow. How'd you find out?

Your friend of 20 years called you and told you? No, she tried to eat his pussy. We got to move on. There he goes. Che Cargner, everybody. Hey. Bye. gotta move on. There he goes. Che Cargner, everybody. Tony, you look very

tense. You should get some CBD and rub it on your neck. Oh, yeah. I love CBD. It is my favorite thing in the world, and they make the very best of it over at Infinite CBD. It's one of my favorite things on the entire planet, and I love it, and I use it all the time. It's become more popular, and you're seeing this stuff everywhere

because it freaking works, man. Yeah, and they have gummy bears, lotions. They even have lubes. It's true, and researchers... They got what? They have lube. They got lube? Yeah, CBDube. They got a lube? Yeah.

CBD lube. Weed lube? Yeah, yeah. If you're looking into busting out your lady's ovaries or gallbladder, you could use infinite CBD lube. To help kill the pain. Yeah. Dude, research has shown that CBD has helped people that have chronic pain, inflammation,

anxiety, and more, Ron. It's true. I know it's true. And a lot of the users. You know what it is? Goddamn it. You know, we kind of kid about it, but it's the goddamn Ron. It's true. I know it's true. And a lot of the users. You know what it is. Goddamn it. You know, we kind of kid about it, but it's the goddamn truth.

It really is. CDB is the answer to a lot of questions. That's true. It is. It fucking is. I mean. And that's why our listeners can go to InfiniteCBD.com. They've got a lot of products that will help improve your life.

And if you use the promo code Tony15, you're going to get 15% off right now. So once again, InfiniteCBD.com, promo code TONY15 for 15% off. And why wouldn't you? Heck yeah. Absolutely. You know what? This is a fun part of the show.

We have a regular that writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. People love him. He is a phenomenon. He's a wild one. He sort of reminds me of like a Zach Galifianakis meets a like a windmill out in the country. Let's wind it back a little bit.

How about a new guy that's putting out a minute? I like that part. Well, he's been doing it for 12 years. He's from Tennessee. He's a goofy, goofy son of a bitch. Makes a noise for the great William Montgomery. Alright. I'm crazy. I love this kid. William Montgomery alright my family and I have been sitting here for 15

minutes can we get some fucking menus? That is the guy that doesn't know how McDonald's works. They be here, y'all. make some noise if you met Dracula for the first time and thought he'd be just a little bit taller. Hey, Ted, I don't get it. What did you invent?

That is the guy who goes to his buddy's intervention and doesn't really know what an intervention is. Boom. There it is. Another brand new minute from William Montgomery. Boy, have I missed seeing you. And for those of you listening to the podcast, William Montgomery looks like he has obviously retired

after winning the lottery. This is... He has obviously retired after winning the lottery. Not the big lottery. The little lottery. The little tiny lottery. Ron, I just have to say I loved you in all those Ernest movies. Thank you very much. I got to tell you, it was fun and lucrative. What was your favorite Ernest movie to make?

Ernest Goes to Heaven. It's funny he said that. I hope all of y'all believe in Jesus because the only way you get to heaven is believing in Jesus. William. William, what are you doing? I think there's three ways.

I think there's three ways. I think there's three ways. Drink my tequila. That's true. Straight into heaven. Number one tequila. Do you mind if I drink a little of... Hey, there you go. A little snort off that.

I'll just be honest. I had to shave because of my self-storage in a place. We have a new district manager named Gerald Zorro. Is that true? Yeah, his name is Gerald Zorro. Wow.

I know, it's bullshit. He came into the office the other day. I had my beard. Gerald Zorro comes up to me, and the whole time I want to be like, hold on, I thought Antonio Banderas played your character.

And it's so funny. I didn't say it to him, and he just looked at me and laughed, and he's like, what's going on with that beard? And then what'd you say? I said, Mr. Zorro, I'm a big fan of your work. I remember when you would ride on that horse

with that big cap on, and you had that mask where you could see your eyes. I said, Mr. Zorro, I'm sorry. I swear to God, tomorrow I'm going to Fantastic Sam's, and the next day I went to Fantastic Sam's. Hey, you had the beard ever since you've had a job there, right?

Yes. So they can't tell you to shave off the fucking beard. It literally was Gerald Zorro coming into town. You better stop it. I swear to God. It was the new district manager. And I pray to God he's not watching this tonight. I hope he is.

Because I'm going to get fired. I'm going to assure you he's not watching this tonight. I hope him and Cracker Barrel get 50%. Feel free to speak freely, my friend. You know what? I feel like maybe we should give this guy a phone call right now. Yeah, do you have his number? You think he'd be – you think he'd be – you think you'd get fired if we called him?

Yeah, yeah, you're not – All right. Nobody knows more about getting fired than the cool black guy in the second row. Let's give it up for my uncle. He used to work down in Destin, Florida at the Big Kahuna's Water Park. What happened a couple years ago? William, a little question about everything from the waist down tonight.

What the fuck? You look like you fell in love with a lifeguard. I was raised in Houston. I fucking love these shorts, dude. Let's just say I started listening to Nora Jones again, and I was in Cancun

a couple weeks ago. It's weird. This is really what might get me fired, but Gerald has this. Is that that song? That's it. Yeah. You want to sing a little bit of it? Just picture me.

Keep the song going. Just picture me down in Cancun with Gerald's daughter. Whoa. Patricia Z's daughter Patricia Zorro Patricia Zorro Let's just say we hit the hot tub Let's just say we hit the pool You're dressed for all that You look like Louis C. KKK

You look like you were conceived at one of our tours. Is that a fucking joke? I pray to God that's a fucking joke. Ron, what's going on? I don't know, dude. Ron, what's going on? What are you know, dude Ron, what's going on? What are you smoking? I'm smoking a little bitty cigar

You know, it's part of my fucking The reason I can do it is because It's a part of his act I can do it if I fucking want to That's the reason William William, have you been Have you noticed a decline

In people hating on you on the Internet? Has there been a decline in the trolls? You've been calling out the trolls lately that say bad things about you on the Internet. What I have noticed is when I was down in Cancun, there was a decline in trolls. Two weeks ago, there was an uptick in sunscreen. I am very fair-skinned. I was on the beaches of Cancun talking to Trisha Zorro, just trying to do my thing.

You went to Cancun with your manager's daughter? I did, yeah. It was so weird, he asked me. And y'all take this one home with you if you get on a 737 Max. Don't do it. Those things are crashing. There you go. Don't get on a 737 Max.

Welcome back to the Lifestyle Report with William Montgomery. He gives you good life advice. Right now it's not a good time for the 737 Max. It is not. 20 years ago, I had an aunt named Pat Zorro. William, you're a little bit, I don't know what happened. Did you get a concussion since the last time? I'll be quite frank.

Last Monday when Kill Tony wasn't going on, I went to my buddy's place, and we were hitting whippets. Whiplets? All night. Whiplets? He's 14 years old, everybody, and trying to figure out the drug world.

I heard you were hanging out with Bill Billingsley Bill Billingsley is sick So it's weird you brought Bill up Bill has a bone condition Yeah what's wrong with his bones William They're called bone spurs They keep fucking a secretary Alright

Yay Okay William Spurs. They keep fucking a secretary. Alright. Yay! Okay, William. Can I make an admission? I looked directly into his legs about two minutes ago. I haven't been able to see a darn thing since. It's the power of William Montgomery. You can't look directly

at his crotch or you lose eyesight for a while. I will be quite frank. I bought these shorts on eBay for $500. This is a collector's edition. Are the spandex connected to the shorts? Is that all one thing?

Is the under thing connected to that or are those separate? I had a pre-existing tight Is the under thing connected to that, or are those separate? I had a pre-existing tight, whatever you want to call them, tight spandex short that I had in my closet. Then I got these short. Closet. They match perfectly, by the way. They're absolutely the same.

If you have that many freckles on your body, you may be a redhead. All right, there he goes. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. He's off. Heck yeah. There he goes. What do you guys think?

Should we go back to the bucket one more time, huh? By the way, did you know that Cracker Barrel 55 is actually Malcolm Hatchet, people are saying in the chat room. Oh, well. There you go. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Ryan Clark, everyone. Ryan Clark. Here he comes. Ryan Clark.

Dating is hard. I imagine dating is hard, especially for a female, because everything we do is apparently horrible. If you are a girl and you need to get an idea of what a guy is like when you first start dating him, watch him play Grand Theft Auto for a while. Because that game brings out the dark shit in every guy.

Because that game gets shit on a lot because people go like, oh, you just go around killing hookers. It's like, no, that is purely voluntary. There's never been a game, it's never been a requirement in any of those games. Do you know what you could also do? Start a small business. I have a taxi company.

It's doing pretty well right now. You know what you could also do? Buy and sell stock. I do that a weird amount of time in that game because apparently all my inner demons are white collar. I had a friend walk in on me playing the game. Do you know what I was doing?

I was playing tennis with my wife. So... There you go. Ryan Clark. Hell yeah. I like your style, man. Oh, thank you very much. How long have you been doing stand-up?

The first time I did it was in 2011. 2011. So that's eight years ago. Yep. About. Heck yeah. Thank you. And all of it here in Los Angeles?

For the most part. I was born in the Valley, so I didn't really go anywhere. Thank you. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Wow. So where did you start? I got my start in Orange County, mainly.

I did a lot of stuff out there. Is that where you live? I did for a little bit. I was born in the Valley, then I was living in South Bay for high school, then Long Beach, then Orange County. What do you do for work? I work at the Improv. Oh, Hollywood Improv on Melrose.

That's interesting. I'm going to be headlining there April 19th. Anyway, how long have you been working there? I started in 2016. 2016, I love it. You never say the amount of years that you've been doing anything. You give us the year and you let us do the fucking math for you. Do your own math.

I'm not a teacher. Well, I guess not. Jesus, wow. I mean, you're built like one, but I guess you're not one. Wow. So, my goodness. Do you have a girlfriend, Ryan?

I'm recently engaged. Wow, look at that. Thank you. Thank you. You popped the question. When did you do that? January. January.

Did you do it in a special way or anything like that? Were you at a baseball game or something? No, I went down to Joshua Tree. Got a little Airbnb for the weekend. Hell yeah, that's a crazy place to propose. Just fucking tripping your balls off like, I want this wedding ring. You open the box, she sees a dragon come at her and it's like, no!

Did you trip? Did you eat some mushrooms when you did it? The next day. Yeah. Wow. I said yes. Or I said yes. No, I asked. She said yes and then we're like, let's celebrate. Fuck yeah, matching habits, man. You can't fucking beat that. You know? That's great. If you do

mushrooms, have your friends fucking do mushrooms too. Yeah. That's a good plan. Good solid plan. I think so. First comes engagement, then comes marriage, and then all of a sudden... The Ron White story.

Then all of a sudden an ovary bursts, and then a gallbladder, and then the stitches pop. I mean, it is not... And that's just your first marriage. Yeah. So, Ryan, you really like video games, huh? Yeah, here and there.

I just watched that one and I was like... I watched a friend just kill hookers for an extreme amount of time and I was like, that comes from somewhere. You know? And did you really... Did your fiancé see you playing Grand Theft Auto? Is that all true?

Was that? Is that true that your wife-to-be saw you playing Grand Theft Auto doing those things? No, no, no, no. Oh, the, about the, I was playing tennis with my wife joke, or? Yes. Yeah, no, I had a friend,

I was playing, in the game, my character was playing tennis with his wife. I gotcha. What does your wife do? She works at SAG. Oh, really? Where do her titties work? Good call. Where do the titties work?

They work in my bed. I don't know. Wow, look at that. Hell yeah. Looks like you both work with SAG, huh? Same joke Joel made, but you guys didn't hear it. Wow. So interesting stuff. You guys live together? Yep.

You have a one-bedroom apartment? Studio. Studio apartment in the Valley? Studio City. We're in downtown LA right now wow that's fun thank you what do you do for fun Ryan

I don't know I mean you were born in the valley and you lived in Orange County for a while so you're probably as exciting as a glass of water I'm just I don't know I've done everything I want to do with my life I'm just killing time you've already done it.

That's exactly what I thought. These are all my friends that were born and raised here in California. Not me. What's the point? Who gives a shit? I might go spend a couple years in New York and, you know, I don't know. You truly don't give a fuck. You really feel like you've done everything that you've wanted to do in your life.

Nah, I've got to make a new list of shit to do. What's on the old list? Play video games and fuck once? No, I... One of the things, I wanted to start a punk band when I was younger. Did that for a while. Yeah, what instruments did you play in the punk band? I was a bass and I did vocals as well.

You were a bass and you... Bass and vocals. Oh, wow. Vocals, huh? Yeah, I just yelled. Can you give us a little example of what that would sound like?

Yeah. Yeah, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Wow. Powerful. Fucking awesome, dude. Goddamn. Yep. Next time someone pulls you out of the bucket, just do that for 60 seconds.

Jeff Foxworthy. If you think this boy is possessed by the bucket, just do that for 60 seconds. Jeff Foxworthy. If you think this boy is possessed by the devil, you may be a redneck. Heck yeah. Wow. Sang for a punk band. What else? Video games, I guess. I don't know.

That wasn't a closer? Really, dude? I guess so. I thought we were looking for a closer. I guess. I don't know. That wasn't a closer? Really, dude? I guess so. I thought we were looking for a closer. I guess so. I mean, my goodness. I thought maybe there'd be more. I said what's on his bucket list.

Oh, I guess I've never been to Australia. That'd be something I want to do before I die. Oh, well, we got good news for you. We just so happen to have one one-way ticket to Australia right there. It is a Ryanair ticket. No, I'm kidding. Oh, God. Have you ever been on Ryanair?

The best air? 72 Virgin. Wow. Ryan, anything else that you think we'd find interesting about you? Any other fun facts about you? I'm a New Year's baby. I don't know. What does that mean? You were born on New facts about you? I'm a New Year's baby. I don't know. What does that mean?

You were born on New Year's? I was born on New Year's Day. Wow. So that means that your parents fucked in March or something. Yeah, no. It means I was conceived at the Long Beach Grand Prix. It means fucking nothing. You know what I think

we should do to end tonight's episode is just give us one more line from a punk song. Why don't we just do that one more time? Here he is. Start a circle. Start a pit. Minor threat. What happened to you?

You're not the same. There's nothing in... There you go. Ryan Clark is on Instagram. And Ryan the Rad. And we did it. Make some noise for Ryan Clark, everybody. There you go.

We did it again. Look at this drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt, everybody. All of his prints are available at ryanjebelt.com, including the new Philadelphia print. It's going to be on sale at all three of the live Kill Tonys. And there's four stand-up shows this weekend at Philadelphia's Helium, and the tickets are on sale for Kill Tony Mania, San Francisco, Sacramento,

Gramercy Theater, New York City. Ron, what are you plugging? You have a new special on Netflix? I don't really keep up with it. I do have a special on Netflix if you want to see it. It's called If You'll Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up. And it's on there.

You have to look it up. How about one more hand for the great Ron White, I'll shut up. Hell yeah. It's on there. You have to look it up. How about one more hand for the great Ron White, everybody? Come on. Next Thursday, we're in Ventura, La Jolla, at the end of April, West Nyack, St. Louis. Check out DeathSquad.TV and TonyHinchcliffe.com for touring Kill Tony or Tony Hinchcliffe stand-up tickets and other fun stuff. How about one more time for the great Jeff Foxworthy. Jeremiah Watkins

was here tonight. His amazing podcast Jeremiah Wonders is taking the world over by storm. What else, Jeremiah? You can follow me on social media at Jeremiah Stand-Up and we're going to be announcing a release date very soon for the new Reagan Watkins album. Hey, how about that?

Hey, look at that next to him. Is that Chroma Chris? Bill Angvall, huh? What did you think about tonight's episode, Bill? Thank you, Tony. It was great to be back, everybody. Thank you so much. What happened to the weekly funny thing that you used to always say?

Right, man. Tony was hot under the collar, Tony. Never mind. All right. The blue collar. How about one more time for the great Larry the Gable Guy, Joel Hemenas. Oh, there he is. There he is. There he is.

There he is. I mean, as always, shout out to Ludwig Drums for keeping my dream alive. That's amazing. Shout out to Addicted to Chaos, Luca Clothing, Caveman Coffee, Speedweed, everybody. We love you. See you in Philly. Absolutely. So much fun stuff happening.

A lot of fun shows coming up in the next couple weeks. They went to Jared's. Oh, yeah, that's right. And don't forget, you can go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony and try it for free. You can get ButcherBox, 20 pounds off your first box and 2 pounds of free ground beef. ButcherBox.com slash KillTony. And ForHims.com slash KillTony. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S.com slash KillTony.

And then you can get your amazing new life insurance from Policy Genius. That's Policy Genius. Yeah. Bye. And InfiniteCBD.com. Use the promo code tony15 for 15% off thanks guys

live audience thank you good night everybody byeお疲れ様でしたローリー・スター待ってられないのね ヨーローリー・ローリー・スター さあ前を向いて行こう ¶¶ご視聴ありがとうございました