KILL TONY - KILL TONY #33

Episode Date: January 24, 2014

Mike Lawrence, Tiffany Haddish, Iron Patriot, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Brian Redban – Date: 01/13/2013 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Please check out our official DeathSquad merchandise store, ShopSquad.TV. That has the limited edition KittyKat t-shirt and stickers. They are going fast. And I think this might be about your last call. If you haven't bought anything yet, if you haven't bought this run of limited edition KittyKat, this is your last chance. So, please go to Shop squad.tv also go to death squad.tv for all our live shows we had a lot of fun in texas and

and it was a great response to the podcast but we announced last night at kill tony that we are coming to san diego march 1st at the Jolla Comedy Store. We're bringing the Iron Patriot. We're bringing Kim and Sarah, and we're Tony and surprise guests. It's going to be a full-on Kill Tony live show, and then we're also going to do some comedy. So check it out soon. Tickets should be available anytime now. Just go to DeathSquad.TV for all the information,

and look for those tickets to go on sale any day now. Anyways, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Henscliff. Fuck yeah, everybody. Here we are. How you guys doing? Okay, fuck yeah. I love it. Good to be here. Hi, guys. Where are you guys from? California. Cool. Welcome. How are you, Brian?

I'm glad you're alive. I know. Oh, my God. We almost lost Tony this weekend. We were in Houston, Dallas, and Austin for the weekend, and every night we were just – our show started at 7 o'clock. Yeah, which is a big mistake for us because then you're having fun at 7 o'clock in a city in which

you know that you're going to hang out at bars after that. So if the show's at 7 instead of 9 or 10, fuck, man, because you're already going at 8.30. God help you if by the second night what happened was we were hungover because we're driving from city to city

and also having so much fun at night.'s some of that fun right there so by the second night uh we had or by the third night i had a shot before i went on stage just to feel better so then you have a shot and a drink and you're on stage and it's 7 25 yeah and we had no sleep in between days at all. It was literally wake up, puke almost, drive to the next city, try to eat. We ate Long John Silver's at a Shell gas station. And that's true, and that was our one meal on Saturday. Yeah. Because we had a 7 o'clock show, so you get to the hotel at 530. You have one hour to try to nap and relax and gain the momentum

for a big, sold-out fucking Rock Club Dallas show, which was awesome, but 7 p.m. is something else, man. Yeah, I couldn't even eat the hush puppy at Long John Silver's, too, so I had two pieces of shrimp, one bite of a hush puppy, and two fries. And immediately, when we

got to the show, the last show in Dallas, people were buying us shots. We're doing just too much alcohol. And I don't know what happened that night. Because the shows were so much fun. And then when the shows are really, really, really fun, you're like, shit, we can't be stopped. So then you're having more drinks and more fun. Not to mention we went to a bar called Concrete Cowboy.

If you ever go to Dallas, you have to check this crazy shit out. They have this big wheel that you turn. Tony's like, let's go walk around. I'm like, I don't want to walk around. Finally, he's like, come on, let's go. I get up. We walk. We're going by this wheel. This woman lands on Kiss a Stranger.

As we're walking by. This girl just deep tongues me. I don't even know what she looks like because i'm just like i see just eyebrows cut to brian 15 seconds before looking at me in the eyes going why would you want to walk around man what's possibly gonna happen out there so i'm freaking out excited what when i mean she went really deep on you i know it was almost like she landed on the wheel like it was like kiss a stranger Fall in love try to get him to fucking

Yeah and then my friend gives her like Every single like all my information Like oh here's his website Here's his email address And what did you say she looked like I don't remember Amy Schumer's sister or something I don't know

Well you know who we talked a lot To the fans about Kill Tony when we were there, and a lot of them brought up our head of security. He's here again, ladies and gentlemen. Put your hands together for the Iron Patriot. I will lead these new Avengers into battle against anyone who would threaten our way of life. I am the Iron Patriot. Fuck yeah, you are. Man, we put a fast one on the audience in Houston.

We were doing a live podcast. The first thing we did was this podcast in Houston, which was awesome, man. So check that out. Find that. And one of the first things we did was, you know, it's just me and him sitting up there before we brought the guests out. We were explaining, like, oh, we wanted to bring Kill Tony, but, you know, we couldn't think out the logistics of bringing the Iron Patriot and all his gear and stuff.

And then basically we're just like, just kidding. Put your fucking hands together, Houston, for the Iron Patriot. And people stood up. The crowd, the looks on their faces. I actually felt mad because I didn't think they would get as excited as they did. There was a couple, especially these guys. You could tell they were

just like... You would have thought we fucking said ladies and gentlemen, Richard Pryor or something like that. That girl, Michelle Carroll, that was on the panel with you. She had an old picture. I've exchanged some messages with her through the last few weeks. She had an old picture of me and my old Iron Man.

And did you see that costume, how ridiculous that was? That was hilarious. Yeah, check that out. I retweeted it or tweeted it the other day. That was a strange costume. Yeah, your old costume is a trip. Yeah, complete with fanny pack. Joe Rogan would have even appreciated that one.

But you know what's weird? It's like a real superhero, like the beginning of a Spider-Man or whatever. They always have their first costume. Yeah. So it's actually kind of cool because that's like your... Yeah, Iron Man was my first love. That's definite. But I had an exciting week too, Tony,

because I got lucky with another picture with a celebrity. On Saturday night, I ran into Jason Mewes. And I know Red Band knows this guy, but did you see his film that came out in 1994

called Clerks? Yes. So are you a fan of Jay and Silent Bob? Yep. Well, it was a beautiful moment. I got the picture with him.

I put on Kill Tony again, and he put some other stuff on that he wants to get a funny on with me. He's going to be here at the Comedy Store on March 6th to do a show with Kevin Smith. And, I mean, I know we always have guest stand-up comedians on here, but if, you know, he was kind of receptive to being on the show. If him and Kevin Smith came on, that would be kind of an interesting combination because they do comedy and films together with you guys. March 6th is a Thursday. But I mean, I'm just saying if they're already coming to the club,

maybe sometime on the week before, I don't know. I'm just saying when I talked to him, he was real cool. He was real receptive. He loves the comics. He loves Iron Patriot. So, the picture took off on the internet. People loved it. I mean, Red Band retweeted it and it did even better than the RJ Middy from Breaking Bad.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. But I mean, what are your thoughts on that? Does it have to be a stand-up comedian that comes on as a guest or might there be some other types of people? Oh, absolutely. I would say. Yeah, totally. And any kind of artist that could appeal to the masses. I have an exciting one who I'm going to tell you right now is coming on because I almost had him today, but he had to go do something. I'm just going to say it. In the upcoming weeks, one of my guests on this show

is going to be Rowdy Roddy Piper. He's coming in. He's a buddy of mine, one of the coolest guys ever. One of the smartest dudes you'll ever meet in your entire life. He's a monster. And he was in WrestleMania 1. And he's been doing basically sold-out arenas since then. And he's known as the comedian that knows how to entertain.

He had a show called Piper's Pit, which was the first time that any wrestler really even had the mic and would do things and talk to millions of people who were so entertained. Really changed the game. So I'm really excited to have him on. What made me think about that? Oh, yeah, Jason. Of course. Yes, yes.

We would have Jason on the show, Patriot. That's a great question. Before we bring the guest on, one thing I wanted to ask you, you mentioned that Tony Clifton is going to come on the show. I was reading about him, and there's such a mystery about who he really is. Do you think he's Bob Zamuda? Because Bob Zamuda's been at this club before, so is that who it is, or do you think it's – who could it be? That's an interesting question, Patriot. Yeah, it could be – Who knows who it could be?

I would have to guess Bob Zmuda, but I'm not positive. Yeah, I wanted to get that straight with you before he comes, so we can kind of get that figured out. I like to believe in that mystery. I love the Andy Kaufman stuff. Big fan. I'm wearing my Buddy Hackett jacket that I got on the Christmas show from

Jeff Ross. I'm very excited about that. While we're talking about great comedians. And while we're also talking about great comedians, why don't we talk about our guest tonight, everybody? It's Kill Tony 33. Are you guys excited or what? Got to hear about our weekend. Now it's time

for a new Monday episode, as always, of Kill Tony. My guests tonight, I'm so excited to have them and I'll mostly tell you why after they're up here. Another two great friends of mine, comedians, that I've

done the road with and have worked with regularly for a while. Put your hands together for them, everybody. It's Mike Lawrence and Tiffany Haddish. Wow. Oh, yes. This is the music that Mike demanded we play. He will not come up to any other song.

It's in his rider. Yeah, I mean, nothing says like being beaten up and called a queer in high school like Jock Jams Volume 5. There you go. Y'all ready for this? That guy, that's that guy's career. Just the guy was like, you all ready for this? He was ready for that

and nothing else and has been poor ever since. I bet you can go to Skid Row and there's like a homeless guy who's just like, y'all ready for this? I know I wasn't. Fame is a bitch. Fuck yeah, baby. I'm so happy to have you guys on because you're so different and so much fun.

Tiffany, we just did a, she was the third on our Texas tour. So we had a lot of fun. Tiffany introduced me to the powers of Pedialyte. Yes, Pedialyte is a powerful substance that can really help you when you're drinking way too much. We pretty much freaked out the whole city of Austin. We bought these huge gallons of Pedialyte and just driving around, somebody was driving us around drunk,

screaming at people on the streets like, Pedialyte! Yeah, Pedialyte, are you having problems satisfying your woman? Drink Pedialyte, it'll make your dick bigger or some shit like that. I said I was fucked up. Were you about to say you're a bit digger? Yeah, I was.

I'm already fucked up today. Tiffany, can I talk to you? Oh, yes, you can. I was watching Red Band's Twitter and I saw when you joined the tour when it got to Austin. Yeah. And it was one vine after another

of you singing and dancing. You got a lot of energy. Yeah, when I'm intoxicated, yes. Yes. I noticed even at the airport on Sunday you were still dancing. Oh got a lot of energy. Yeah, when I'm intoxicated, yes. Yes. I noticed even at the airport on Sunday, you were still dancing. Oh, yeah, I was sober then. It was on.

I just wanted to scare white people. That was embarrassing. That was my mission, just dance in the airport. Let me say this, though. On the curtain club show, I looked at the vine. You put the microphone down at your butt. A strange sound came out. It wasn't my butt that I put it to.

And it wasn't a strange sound came out. It wasn't my butt that I put it to. And it wasn't a strange sound. It was familiar. Was that a part, shart, or queef? What was that? Whose butt was it? First off, it wasn't a butt. It was a vagina, and that was called a queef.

Oh, okay. Or a pussy talk. That was a bubbling brook. That had some good sound to it. You like that? Don't play with me. Do you vibrate? Why does the Iron Patriot sound like Mr. Tasty from Pete and Pete?

It just sounds like, I was with you last summer, but now I have to go to make other children happy. It's like a Puerto Rican that wanted to start a pride parade and found an Iron Man costume and painted it. Let me talk to you a little bit. Do you actually want to hear this queef that you're talking about? Would you guys like to hear this? She did this as a closer after

her set. That was only because it was requested. Alright, here we go. Wow, that's a weird queef. Electrical issues in my uterus. What? Oh, my God. Wow.

That's the sound Michael Winslow is going to make when he dies. Mike, let me talk real quick before we get the show going. I remember you. Iron Patriot, first appearance, Dark Avengers, 2009, written by Michael Bendis, drawn by Mike Diallo Jr. Yes, yes, I met him down the block a couple blocks, and he won my heart right away because he knows that I'm the Norman Osborn, a.k.a. Green Goblin. I stole the Iron Man suit, painted it red, white, and blue.

I tricked America into thinking I was patriotic. That would be Iron Man suit, painted it red, white, and blue. I tricked America into thinking I was patriotic. That would be a good movie, wouldn't it, Mike? Wow. Oh, man. Am I too old when my childhood is talking to me and I don't know what to say back to it? Why did Dad leave us again?

Why was Papa in the driveway? Mike, let me say something about your life. I was reading today. At the age of 16, you started working at a McDonald's in Florida. You learned how to deal with hecklers. Damn. This is my guardian angel, by the way. He's supposed to tell me not to commit suicide on Christmas.

You learned how to deal with hecklers. People in the drive-thru were calling for McNuggets. Now, it took you over 10 years to get your career going. Now, what I want to say is, last September, you wrote an article for the Huffington Post, and this article was titled, The Five Things I Learned from Doing Comedy in New York City, and I'd Pass Along to Younger Comets. What are those five points? Because these comics would love to hear it.

First off, it's weird because your voice sounds like everyone who is mean to me in a drive-thru. Like, just the quality of it. I guess I should answer your question, but also give you a McRib. everyone who was mean to me in a drive-thru. Just the quality of it. I guess I should answer your question, but also give you a McRib. Well, the first, I don't exactly remember, but one of them was about how you should only be bitter about the things you're eligible for.

I think that's really important for comics. I mean, I have been skipped by BET Comic View for the past five years despite incredible floppy pussy jokes, and I don't know why. Another was have a life outside of comedy. I have a fiance, and I'm the first person to look like this and say that.

That's an achievement in itself right Jesus yeah you found someone yeah he does look just like Jesus he does doesn't he Jesus nephew or something it's like why did they stick me to the cross because I stole a hacky sack and said Dave Matthews

band's last album was so par you are a special kind of Jesus Matthew Spann's last album was so par. You are a special kind of Jesus. Yeah. Isn't he? Yeah. Oh, there you go. There's something from the peanut gallery.

Yeah. That was her minute, right? Yeah, that was it. Now she only gets 55 seconds. Fuck yeah. So you guys know what we're doing here. Comedians come up and they do a minute A piece and we chat with them Awesome, you guys ready to get this thing started?

Kill Tony 33 With two people that I've had so much fun with Comedians come up Most of you guys know the deal You get 60 seconds, at the end of that 60 seconds You know your time's up because you'll hear the meow of a kitty That's just her queefing You'll hear the the meow of a kitty. That's just her queefing. You'll hear the queef

of a kitty. Meowch! Narf, narf. Why on earth? Why does it smell in here? Fuck you. It smells good like chicken, right, Tony? You queef like chicken? You want me to queef in your face?

It smells just like KFC. I smelled it on the microphone. I had to follow her closing with a queef. She queefed like, ladies and gentlemen, Tony Hinchcliffe. I could smell all 12 herbs and spices. Yes, seasoned to

perfection. When you hear the mew of a kitty, that means your time's up. Don't run that sound or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Wow. Damn. Damn. He sounds extra angry tonight. That just sounds like the MGM lion being put to sleep.

Yeah, shot in the head. Sleepy tight. So let's get into it. We have a bunch So let's get into it. We have a bunch of comedians that signed up. You guys excited or what? Yeah, I want to see this. Your first comedian tonight goes by the name of Antonio Houston, a.k.a. Spirit, it says in parentheses.

So it's double names. Hello, people. My name's Spirit because I'm like really cordial and like I had a fucked up life. So I had all these other spirits come inside of me. It's kind of weird. Would you like to meet one? He's an old grumpy man. His name's Mad Dog.

Here he goes. All right. I'm kind of nervous. Excuse me. Well, hey, how you guys doing tonight? My name's Mad Dog, and Spirit's kind of gay. I'm letting you know. He's a little gay ass.

We was at a car wash at an interview, right? This guy, the interviewer, walks up and says, Hey, turn around. Let me see if you're sagging. So I'm in the back of Spirit's mind going, Don't turn your gay ass around. He just want to seize your ass. Like, come on.

This motherfucker turns around and show him his ass. You know what I told him? You might as well drop it like it's hot twerk or something. Do a Miley Cyrus on it, motherfucker. You're gonna get the job. Alright, there you go. Antonio Houston, aka Spirit.

Spirit. Alright. Matter of fact, you can queef on my face. I don't care. Performing next week at Fruitvale Station, everybody. performing next week at Fruitvale Station everybody when you said you had a lot of spirits come inside you is that how you always say that

is that a part of the thing and why do the spirits sound like McGruff the crime dog yeah and that's one Are we supposed to? And why do the spirits sound like McGruff the Crime Dog? Yeah. Because they're supposed to. And that's one. I have a whole different lot of spirits.

That's why my name is Spirit. I'm sure I'm going to be one of them if I say the wrong thing. Well, that's interesting. How long have you been doing stand-up? Well, been on and off for about, I'd say, three years already. Three years? How often do you get on stage? Whenever I can. Been on and off for about, I'd say, three years already. Three years? How often do you get on stage? Whenever I can.

Like right now, I'm really consistent with it because I'm really trying to take it far. What is consistent? Because when a black man say consistent, that might mean once a month. Let's keep it 100. Every day. I know these things. Every day. Every day. Every day you get on stage.

Yes, I go to bars, different bars. The main bar that I go to is in San Fernando Valley. It's called Petey's. Petey's, that's where you be at. Who else is in there? Is it just you by yourself? I think he's asking you for a date. I'm not going to no damn San Fernando. To Petey's, that's probably his cousin's house.

Petey's just in the back? Petey's in the back with a bar of whiskey and roots. Which he pours out for all the spirits that he impersonates. This is for my spirits, y'all.

See you at the crossroads. That's the club I'm opening. How many different spirits? How did you know that? You see me there. Hey, I'm going to miss everybody. I'm going to miss everybody. I'm going to miss everybody. This one's from my Uncle Charles, y'all.

I'm Uncle Charles. I like Gucci. That's Gucci right there. That's a Gucci hat. I like it, but it's blocking your eyes. It makes me disconnect. Okay, pull it back down. Never mind.

I don't want to do that. But I think you should show your eyes when you're on stage. I think that's important as a comic to have eye contact so people can see that you believe what you're saying. You make a connection. I agree with that. Yeah. All right.

That's important. When you said you were nervous, was that because you were really nervous? Not really. Yeah. I'd leave that part out. He's lying. That motherfucker was trembling.

If you're going to cover your face, have a beard because Comedy Central will give you a half hour regardless of not if you have one. That is was trembling. If you're going to cover your face, have a beard, because Comedy Central will give you a half hour regardless if not if you have one. That is so true. I'm growing my beard right now. Trust me, I'm Zach Gallifant's sadness, and they just, you know, it works. How many, was there any tags or any jokes actually in that,

or did you not get to it? Because if there was, I didn't think you emphasized the actual post. No, I really didn't get to emphasize it, but it was actually a joke towards the end. Okay. You want to get your first joke in within the first ten seconds because especially all the women in here, we judging

if we would fuck you or not. And I can guarantee you we not fucking. But you haven't even seen my dick size. I'm on my nine. I don't even care about your dick size. You didn't catch my brain. So that's that. Just think how many times you're going to be texting through the rest of this show and how quickly people do during every set. Right.

And you just have to immediately. We have no attention spans anymore. Yeah. And if you're going to wear the hat and cover your eyes and you're talking about spirits, come up there with a little demonic kind of swag and be like, yeah, my name's Spirit. I don't want you to see my eyes because I will suck up your soul. And I'm like, oh, let me open my pussy up. He's sucking out spirits and shit.

I'm sorry. You're performing for the original Spirit right here. Jesus is right. The Holy Ghost and the Heavenly Father. Right there. He bombed for your sins. Yeah, he did. Do you always chew gum when you're on stage?

No. No? Whichever one of your spirits told you it's good to chew gum on stage, it was wrong. I think it was that he smoked too many spirits beforehand and just wanted to clean the breath. Is it spearmint?

No, it's not spearmint. It's bubble yum juicy fruit. Menthol gum. Strawberry gum. Yeah, it's watermelon bubble yum because he said it was kind of gay earlier. It'd be great if he just went, it's bubblicious.

Antonio. I stick with it. It's fun. Heck yeah. You're taking chances. That's fun. That's different what you did. I don't know if it had,

I don't know, you know, hey, rock and roll. Keep rocking it. Exactly. He're taking chances. That's fun. That's different what you did. I don't know if it had, I don't know, you know. Hey, rock and roll. Keep rocking it. Exactly. He's on Twitter. It's big. Spirit. What is that?

Spirit. Oh, Spirit AG 777 on Twitter. Spirit AG. Spirit AG 777. 777, like the number of perfection? Hey, remember? No, Tiffany, remember the simulation theory? Seven chakras, seven days to make the earth right, Jesus.

In seven days, you came back. Is 777 the mark of the yeast? What's 777? Oh, yeasty motherfucker. Thank you, Antonio. Thank you. Rock and roll, man. Hell yeah.

Tiffany, remember the simulation theory, Tiffany? We were talking about sevens. Oh, yeah, sevens. That's what I'm talking about. Hey, hey, I had just booked a TV show, and they paying me $7,777. I thought of you. No.

Yeah, for one hour of work. Balling, bitch! Damn. Fuck, yeah. That's like dropping a name, but like Andrew Jackson name, but whatever's on the $7,000 bill name. For those of you that are listening to the podcast

and are in the San Fernando Valley, go swing by Petey's and check out Antonio Houston, a.k.a. Spirit sometime. Find the Petey's bar out there. If anybody wants to maybe live in L.A. and you'd like to spend $77 on gas to go see him at a place called Petey's, you could do that. I just imagine it's like a garage and the Sanford and Son theme is playing the whole time. Everybody's chewing gum and having a good old time.

Who's next? All right. Your next comedian is Jonathan Tumblin. Yay! What up? I live with a 31-year-old white man that likes ratchet bitches. I woke up one morning, and he was slaying this girl in his bedroom. And it woke me up, so I was like, I might as well get some water while I'm up.

And I go into the living room. It's like an eight-year-old little girl playing Little Big Planet on the TV. Now, I had two decisions to make. I could have just acted like I didn't see her and walked back in my room. But then I heard her mom let out a groan that was just, and then the little girl said, mommy's crazy. Like mama's getting fucked. So like she was talking to me or whatever

and I was gonna go back in my room or whatever. And I was like, well, all right, little girl, whoever you are, I pounded her, you know, like gave her a pound. She was like, what's that? I was like, it's a pound. She's like, I'm gonna go tell my mom that I pounded her. Gave her a pound. She was like, what's that? I was like, it's a pound. She's like, I'm going to go tell my mom that you pounded me. I was like, don't do that.

But then I thought about how many times my roommate cock-blocked me. And I was like, yeah, go do it. She never came back. They never came back. There you go. Jonathan Tumble. Fuck yeah. Right now Spirit's thinking to himself,

that's how you do it. That's exactly how you do it. Good job. You know he swallowed his gum right before he got on stage. Not making that same mistake. Hilarious. That was good. Thanks. Not making that same mistake. Hilarious. Yeah, it did. That was good.

Thanks, man. Thanks, thanks. I got a little confused at one part, and then I guess you brought it back for me. What up? Which was I didn't know what the fuck, like I didn't know what was going on with the original thing. I just got lost at who you were watching.

When you said Little Big Planet. Oh, yeah, it's a game on PlayStation. Maybe make it to a more easier game like Mario Brothers or something. Unless Sony's paying you, then fucking do it. Available on PS3 and PS Vita. The PlayStation Comedian. That'd be great.

How do we pull that off? How do we get a sponsorship? I've done some video games. Really? Yeah, I'm in Terminator 3, I think, or 2 or something. Video games. Do you remember what you did? Yeah, I was just like the neighborhood chick that ended up running with the warriors and I'm like,

the wasps are coming! Oh my god, I'm not going down that hall! That was me Wow It's an unlockable character Scott Nedden be watching us Ah shit That was one of my lines

You must have played the game That is so cute Hostile Fuck this shit Hostile Fuck this shit We better leave, I'll fuck this shit. We better leave. He said he'll be back.

That's so fun. I want to go to my grandma's house. Y'all tripping. That's in the video game? Yeah. Oh, my God. That is hilarious. Are there any more that you remember?

Those are great. That's less ghetto than what the white people are saying while playing it via headsets. She's not being homophobic. For the people listening at home, please find videos of Tiffany in this game and tag me in that because I want to see that shit. Yeah, me too.

That's hilarious. I know somebody that did the hooker in the newest Grand Theft Auto game. Really? She just got to sit there and say whatever she wanted. I bet you she did the hooker in the newest Grand Theft Auto game. Really? She just got to sit there and just say whatever she wanted. I bet you she got paid like a motherfucker. I suck your dick for $5

but first I need you to rub my feet, motherfucker. That's what I would say if I was a hooker. I've been walking all day. And then there's a rubbing feet mini game that you have to do after. I keep pressing X but all it's doing is touching the toenails. Fuck. I mean, video games are made by Asians, and foot rubbing is perfected by Asians.

We got something here. Yeah, let's do this. Let's get a Vietnamese girl to be like, I rub your feet. And then I rub your cock. Mario, brother, he rubbed your feet. And then I rubbed your cock. Mario brother, he got a bigger dick. He save a princess. I love it.

What is Little Big Planet? You were actually playing that? I wasn't playing it. The little girl was like, that's her, I guess, waiting room game while her mom's getting destroyed. It's a fun game.

Yeah, you build a planet. Build a whole, like, your own video game. And why was her mom getting destroyed again? She was having sex with my friend. With your roommate, right? That's what was going on. You live with a 31-year-old white dude? Yeah.

Where does he meet these girls? On Plenty of Fish? Yep. That's the thing you gotta understand. When you say 31-year-old white man and an 8-year-old girl, everyone looks at me and thinks the worst. I mean, that's pretty sad, man. You bring your daughter on your sex dates.

At least you're not leaving her at home alone. That's even worse. At least she's hearing the sounds of love. You have no idea who that man lives with. She knows what she's going to be doing in three years. Now she knows what it sounds like when dubs cry. The fucked up thing is she looked at me like I was out of place. She was like, whoa, what up, man?

Playing the game and everything. It seems like that's two jokes, almost two premises, though. It seems like the hand-pounding thing, that should be somewhere completely else than you hanging out with this little girl while her mom's getting pounded. She needs to come back with her sister, who's like 20, with no titties, and then just go from there. There's almost something in the fact that the mom met the guy on Plenty of Fish

while the little girl's playing Endless Ocean. She's playing Little Mermaid. 20 with no titties sounds like a coming of age novel that I want to read. That's the story of my fucking life. 20 no titties. Please fuck me.

Jennifer Lawrence is 20 with no titties. The world is flat. You gotta write this. That's great. It's in development. Jonathan, that was great, man. Keep rocking. Good job.

Jonathan Tumblin, everybody. He's jsherlockt on Twitter, at jsherlockt. They are realizing how the industry works because they do a set, then we just talk to each other, forget they exist, and then five minutes later go, oh, you can go home now.

There's nothing to win. There's nothing to get. Patriot, how are you doing over there? I think you guys covered that pretty well. I think he fell asleep. I think that was just him waking up. Can you fall asleep standing up? Yes. Sometimes I dream. sleep. I think that was just him waking up. Can you fall asleep standing up?

Sometimes I dream. It's just weird that the microphone is at his dick so you just think the dick is talking the whole time. Yeah. I got a speaker in the chest, Mike, and that's where the sound is coming out this way. We found this is the best position for it. Okay. I knew there was a logical

answer. That's what she said. The Patriot's a professional background extra, and he's in the background of most major TV shows and a ton of movies. I probably worked with him. You know, I used to be a background actress back in the day, in the late 90s, early 2000s.

I was actually the very first African-American woman ever to appear on the Hannah Montana show as an extra walking around in the back. I showed up the first day on time. Wow. And you know what's funny, Tiffany? You say first like there was a last. I think only is probably better. Shut up. There was like two other black girls.

I know for a fact. Billy Ray likes them. But I was the first. I know for a fact, Tiffany, that Patriot has worked on Hannah Montana. Yes, I was on one of the last episodes in 2009. So we were bookends. You were at the beginning. I was at the end.

Yeah. You want to fight? Yeah. Get it on. I just want this show to end with us taking the mask off, and it's a skeleton, and he's been dead the whole time. Kind of like Jeff Peterson on Craig Ferguson. Oh, that's so funny.

Man, we don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. He's got a robot on his show. If you watch his show, you'll see he's got a robot. Oh, he has a robot? Oh, okay. It's a skeleton. It's a robot skeleton. Oh, okay.

You got a patriot. But you're not a skeleton, right? No, I'm the real deal. Do you vibrate? Yes, I do all I'm the real deal. Do you vibrate? Yes, I do all kinds of things, Tiffany. Can you vibrate right now? He has a foot fetish. Bring that pouch over here.

I'll put some vibration on it. My pouch? Motherfucker, I ain't no goddamn kangaroo. This is a dance. She's visiting Epcot Center. That ain't no fanny pack. Now, if you want to go down under Who's the next comedian?

She goes by the name of Chelsea Grove Ah Ah come on Implying it is one thing Playing it is another We are not peedies so you guys can give it up for me I've been in LA 18 months and I've lost 40 pounds

since I've been out here thank you started a new diet it's called The Struggle I actually talked to my mom the other day and I was like mom I'm really looking forward to having kids. And she was like, well, just make sure you're sure because I'm not

raising no more children. I'm like, mom, you're not going to help take care of your grandkids? She's like, no, I wasn't in the bedroom enjoying that orgasm. That was all you. You was the one talking about, ooh, daddy assures, ooh, daddy assures. And I was like, okay, well, mom, what if I have to go out of town or travel? She was like, listen, every time you look at that child

and you think you want to give it over to me, just remember, that is what a good nut looks like, okay? Because that's all children are. They're just good nuts, good climaxes. Okay, well, if you're having a bad day or a bad set like this, just remember, just take a pregnancy test. Because when it comes back negative, your day's going to look a whole lot brighter. So that's it for me.

Chelsea, what was the punchline on the first thing? You're on a diet called? Oh, the diet called The Struggle. Like,

cause that's why I lost weight when I moved out here. I thought you said strolling. Oh, I was talking fast. I think you should go,

cause I've been on a diet, it's called, pause, but just take a pause and go, The Struggle. Right. Like pause and go, the struggle. Like, you know, emphasize struggle. Okay. Okay. That would kill.

Yeah, it's gotta be crystal clear. You know what I mean? Because I really, I was thinking, and then you're in the beginning of your next joke, and I'm still trying to think of what exactly I was like stroking off. Do you normally talk that fast? Is that your normal set? Yeah, no, it's something I have to work on. I normally talk

fast just in general, but I know on stage I obviously have to not talk so fast. And just know that never say that you're bombing. That's our privilege. That's our right. I'm joking, but don't because you can lose a crowd

for nine minutes in a ten minute set and still win them. But the second that you tell them you're done, they realize it. So just, you know, if the first joke doesn't go well, that's fine. Maybe we're the assholes, you know, and you'll prove us wrong with the next one. So just, you know, believe in yourself. Always, always have confidence and believe in yourself. That's important.

And, damn, I forgot what question. That regularly taking pregnancy tests thing sounds like a great premise. I think what you have right now is a premise. Yeah, yeah. And a great one. Like I can't figure out why that would be. Just, I mean, like it's, I don't know. I just figure if you take a pregnancy test

and it's negative, I mean, at least that's one thing you don't have to worry about. You know, just. But you could talk about about negative is a positive. Oh, I see what you're saying. Just some kind of play on words or just something. The joke wasn't clear. I just love your energy.

Your energy is on point. That's like what I feed off of when I'm at a show. Because I come to comedy shows, when I do come to a show, I come to have a good time and I want the comedian on stage to be having a good time and And it seems like you were having fun. So to me, that's really important. Thank you.

You're welcome. And what was the middle one about? There was the second one. Oh, just my mom. I was talking to her about having grandkids, or me having kids. And she said, don't ever try to bring them over to my house because I'm not raising any more kids. And I was like,

well, you know why? She said, well, no, that's you enjoyed that nut. So you enjoy the consequences, which is that child.

So that, that's, you know, and that children are beautiful orgasms. Yeah, that's not true. I've been pregnant a couple of times and I did not come. And I had to go to six flags and get rid of that shit.

Cause it was like, I'm gonna look at you and be like, you wasn't even worth it. Oh, my God. I don't even know his name. Well, that's why they call it the great adventure. Yes. Fuck yeah. Okay. Chelsea, you rock.

Yeah, you're good. Thank you. You're going to make it. Oh, thank you. She's on Twitter. It's see the funny G. Did only black people sign up? I feel really good today.

I have a feeling in five years we're gonna be playing Terminator and hearing her voice. I know, right? Fuck yeah. Take a pregnancy test. The wasps are coming. Do you guys remember, do you guys have any bit that you remember having? That's a great way to abort someone. Hasta la vista, baby.

It wasn't a tumor. Those should be posters for Planned Parenthood. It's not twins. Which is funny, too, because I am The spokesperson For Planned Parenthood In Oakland Homeless City They got a bus With my face on it

And everything Are you serious Yes Once you go there Enough times They you know Make you a spokesperson You earn that shit

That's how you pay them back You know Tiffany Something else That impressed me about you Is you do some work With the inner city youth Yeah And it's a program

Called Chuckles Not Knuckles Chuckles instead's a program called Chuckles Not Knuckles. Chuckles instead of Knuckles. No, Chuckles Not Knuckles. You were right the first time. Okay, okay. But that's very admirable that you do something like that. Yeah. Whenever I imagine him looking up information about us,

I just imagine him in the suit. Yeah, he's looking at it. Or going to an internet cafe. Like, how much can I get for $5, please? I'm in my suit when I'm doing research. I'm walking around my apartment. I'm ironing. I'm vacuuming.

I'm doing my dishes. He sounds like Stuart Smalley. I'm smart enough. I'm metallic enough. And gosh darn it, people like me. It's 40 pounds of fiberglass here. The midsection is ABS plastic. That sounds like you're going to have testicle cancer or something.

I love his strategy. The meaner you are to me, the more factual I will respond. You will die of pancreatic cancer at the age of 45. And your fiance will have left you three years before realizing what a terrible person you are. Mike, you got to realize, Tony told me to be nice to the guest. I was pretty mean. I beat up on Jeff Ross last week. He didn't like it.

Yeah, and Bobby. You just kept bashing them. Well, I did it in a clever way. No, you didn't. Or else I wouldn't have told you that you have to pre-approve your questions with me. No, no. Which I didn't really do today. I took your word and you did a good job.

So thank you. He's doing a great job. He's really awesome. I'm totally going to let you vibrate on me. He came at Jeff Ross and Bobby extremely hard last week. Sometimes you get a little out of line. You have a couple good weeks in a row.

I've had a lot of the guests come at me pretty hard. It's man period shit, Tony. What's that? It's man period shit. Every guy goes through it. We just don't recognize it. We have to stop bullying is what he's trying to say. He's been being bullied. I got a fucking suit of armor, this guy.

And this is a part of Chuckles Not Knuckles. You know, we teach kids how not to bully each other. And if they do bully, laugh at their ass. But Iron Patriot wasn't a superhero. He was a villain pretending to be a superhero to fool the world and act out his evil plan as was displayed in Dark Avengers The List and then Peter Parker defeated him when he found the disc that had all of Norman's names on it. So he was never

a hero. He was always a bad guy. He was just pretending. And it makes sense. Yeah, he tricked America into thinking he was patriotic. Yeah, so he wasn't a hero. He was a villain. Well, I mean, most people don't know that story. That's why I just said that. Yeah, you're on the same wavelength as me, Mike.

We got to get together later. Uh-oh. You're going to get assassinated. That wavelength is just a hand masturbating itself. I can just see Mike right now clearing the schedule for the rest of his week so that he can hang out with you and talk about comics. Hilarious. Who's next?

We just ride the city bus together and nobody judges us. They treat you like people on here. I love it. He rides the bus here, by the way. Do you know about this? I'm aware. He can't sit down.

Did you know that? You have to stand on the bus? I bet you'd be freaking out the crackheads. What the fuck? Or giving them hope. Or giving them crack. You're going home on the bus with me tonight. I'm going to take you home and show you some hope.

No, you can ride in my little car. I got a Corvette. You can see it. I don't have a Corvette. It's a convertible. I got rid of the Corvette. Now I have a Volkswagen. I love that chocolate mousse. That chocolate mousse-y? Oh, my God. Wow.

This is where it's saying pussy without saying pussy. I love that chocolate mousse-y. Is that what you said? You're an animal tonight, Patriot. I think Iron Patriot's from Florida. He's from Texas. Dallas. In fact, we performed at the same club that you did,

at the Curtain Club. Yes, I was hoping you'd talk to the owner, because Doug Simmons used to book Dirty Crabber back in the day, and that was the street where the Dirty Crabber mailman video was done. Okay. Did you like it? Did you like that area? Yeah, it was great.

It's cool. Okay, everybody, your next comedian's name is Timothy Cash. It's Timothy Cash. There he is Alright Gotta kill a whole minute Maybe girls wanna have sex Twice

And I'll tell a joke Actually I've accepted the fact That I'm probably gonna be single the rest of my life Not by choice, but because Every woman I meet says the same thing. They all say I'm tired of playing games. I don't want to play any more games. I need a man that doesn't play games.

That sucks because I love me some Yahtzee. This comedy thing don't work out. I don't know what I'm going to do. I already tried my other dream job. I want to be a fireman. Give it a shot. You know that saying they say, fight fire with fire? Don't.

Don't ever do that. A flamethrower will not put out a fire. In fact, it makes it significantly worse. Two cats walk into the bar. The bartender says, Significantly worse. Two cats walk into the bar. Bartender says...

Are you asking for the cat? I timed that everything. That was pretty good. The machines have failed you. But you were excellent. That was good, man. It would have been great if he had done the cat noise right when I said that. But it's not up to that.

It's on a timing thing. Is the winger shirt unironic or ironic? It's fucking sweet. Found this at a thrift store for two bucks. That did not answer the question. That just further complicated it and gave me nine more questions. Anyway. Don't fight fire with fire.

That's funny. Fuck yeah. It was a good joke structure. Very good. It's tough with a minute. I'm usually like a two to four minute talker. Is it all non sequiturs? No.

What does that word mean? I'm on Twitter. Just quick one-liners that aren't connected at all. Oh, like Frasier. Frasier Smith. Come on, folks. These are the jokes. That's how they connect them all. You don't need to do that.

I don't really do segues for my oneys. Yeah, just do them. They're pretty awesome. The fire with fire, it seems like you could go deeper in that. Like, you know, they're like,

there was a car fire, so then I did this. You know, there was this. It's actually a little bit longer than that. Condensed. Okay.

Cool. I would tag the Yahtzee thing. I would shorten in the front a little bit any way you can and then tag it. Like, I don't know, just like... I just feel like you talk... If you actually like Yahtzee thing. I would shorten in the front a little bit any way you can and then tag it. I don't know. I just feel like if you actually like Yahtzee,

you're talking about nothing like the feeling of watching Five Die roll out of that little canister. I don't know. Just get into it. I'm surprised that actually is my only thing about Yahtzee because I really love Yahtzee. Right. And the objective is to roll like five fives

in that or something, right? Well, you actually got to get like a whole list of the stuff. But I mean, Yahtzee is like the... What's Yahtzee? That's the Grand Slam. That's five of the same thing. What games do you play

when you go to Vegas? Yahtzee. He finds it. He finds the Yahtzee slot machine. War. It's just him and an old Japanese man who puts a million dollars down. He puts down three dollars. That's just how it goes sometimes, bro.

Yatsu. Yatsu. But yeah, I mean, there's the thing. It's like the chain and the way. I mean, you look like everybody who's ever sold Slipknot tickets outside a concert. Oh, boo. But I just don't know what you're – is this what you're going for? Like, the Winger – I mean, Winger is a horrible band.

But when he first walked up, I thought that 70s show. When I first saw him, I'm like, oh, that's the guy from that 70s show. No, I don't like Winger. I just thought it was a sweet-ass shirt. Okay. Do you smoke weed? Yeah. Yeah, you look like you got some good-ass weed. Like you grow that shit.

And the chain, honestly, I've had the chain since I was like probably 12 years old because I used to lose like two wallets a year. My dad would always make fun of me. We'd like go on road trips and stop at truck stops and he'd always point at the truck of wallets and be like, I'm going to get you one of those. I'd be like, shut up, Dad. What's the excuse for the janitor chain on the other side of keys that you have?

Because you know you only need usually one or two keys. And the stormtrooper thing. This is the thing. As a comic, you should want to be Darth Vader, not a stormtrooper. Have a fucking ego. Do not be one of the dudes who just gets shot once. Be the fucking star. Don't think like a stormtrooper, man. You might as well be a fuckingtrooper. Have a fucking ego. Do not be one of the dudes who just gets shot once. Be the fucking star. Don't think like a stormtrooper, man.

You might as well be a fucking Ewok, man. Be Darth Vader. Be Boba Fett. Have some amazing lines, but we still kind of forget you but think you were cool. Like, just be... But don't be a stormtrooper, man.

You want to be able to stand out. I'm selling my phone. You know? Look at Iron Page. He's not dressed as one of the henchmen from the 1966 Batman. He's not a dude one of the henchmen from the 1966 Batman. He's not a dude in a shirt that just says Bob number one. He's a fucking villain who tricked people into thinking he was a superhero.

A minute ago, he was talking about how he irons wearing that. Yeah. Nobody really got that. Thanks. No, because it wasn't that funny. Iron Man. Well, thank you for mentioning that. I got it.

By the way, Patriot, you didn't even realize that you said it and it was funny. But that would make you the ironing patriot. The ironing patriot. If you did it in that suit. Tony Starch. What's that? Tony Starch. What's that? Tony Starch. Nice.

Wow, look at you, buddy. My osmosis is rubbing off on me by osmosis being around you guys. Well, yeah, of course. It's about time you say something funny. It's been 33 weeks. I love that the girls pretended to get that joke. Oh, Tony Starch. Here's my headshot.

How the fuck did you? That's really funny, Patriots. I love about L.A. If they won't laugh, they'll fake laugh. It's awesome. Yeah, I could tell how excited he is right now. Normally, he doesn't make this hard of eye contact with me. Like, he's just looking at me being proud of him.

I'm on my way now, Tony. Oh my God. Then he ruins it by being creepy. What would be great is if every week he tries to make that Tony Starch joke, but there's no context for it. He's like, what the fuck? It's like, are y'all ready for this guy? I had my moment

and it's gone. Timothy Cash. Fuck yeah. I would acknowledge something about, I don't know, the way you look more. I mean, I'm sure you do that. I'm just saying, I don't know.

You're great. I think I'm going to get rid of the beard next week. Oh, shit. Don't fucking do that, man. Don't you fucking... You inspired me with 30 minutes. Guaranteed 30 minutes. Yeah, man.

Fucking... My beard grows. This will be back in like a month, though. It'll be back in two days if you let me sit on it. Every time I eat anything. See, I got a mustache. You got your mustache trimmed. Every time I eat anything, I have to take a comb out and put all my mustache up.

Dude, I eat ice cream in a hotel by myself because I don't want anyone to see it. I have to tuck a napkin in. You usually see that just like in movies and TV shows. You don't really do that in real life. I have to do that. Dude, I eat food like I'm the elephant man. I'm like, don't look at me. Just be you, man.

You look like you could pull out a pan flute at any time and amaze us with a Jethro Toll solo. So fucking be you, man. There you go. Timothy Cash. Thank you, man. I always love about Timothy is that a lot of comedians are on Twitter and where a lot of them put their Twitter handle,

Timothy Cash just puts, fuck no. Get on Twitter. I don't do that shit. Twitter, is that a part of the vagina? I've touched a few Twitters in my day. In my van. Fuck that Twitter. Don't even have its own TV show.

Put your hands together for Calvin Loxley. Calvin Loxley. Yeah. Hello. Calvin Loxley. Uh-oh. You know what that means. He just got blacklisted.

Yikes. Sucks to be him. R.I.P. Calvin Loxley. Your next comedian goes by the name of Eric Vasquez. Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen. He is now walking down the stairs. Sometimes it takes a comedian one minute to get to the stage. Am I right?

Take off. Eric Vasquez. Hello, guys. Thank you for having me. I just turned 25, actually, guys, a couple months ago. 25. It forced me a little self-examination, you know? One thing you gotta understand about me is I'm kind of the guy...

Physically, if someone were to see me naked, and I didn't have a bush, it'd look fucking weird. It'd look weird like those bald cats look weird. You ever went to those bald cats and tried to pet one of those? And you look at it and you pet it and you're like, ugh. Yeah, that's how I would look without any hair down there. It's actually good to rock and push sometimes, like I said,

because if a woman were to see me naked, she would think two things. One, that's a shitload of hair. And two, there has to's a shitload of hair. And two, there has to be more penis behind that hair. There isn't. There isn't. But she thinks there is.

Battle half one. Oh, damn. There you go. Right on time. Eric Vasquez. Bush is female, right? And also the greatest president of all time. But Bush, I've never heard Bush.

Has anyone ever heard Bush used in a male context? I've never. Depends who I'm talking to. Only the snake is hiding in Bush. I've heard that. What if you grew up with transsexuals and was like, what is this world you speak of where men don't have bushes? I've never. It was throwing me off the whole time.

Like, why would you have a bush? What do you mean? Everybody has natural pubic hair. We don't call it bushes. What do you call it? Okay, well, help me out. What should I call it? Pubes.

Oh, yeah. Like lots of pubes? Because if I have a bush, it says that I have a lot of hair. It says you have a pussy. Yeah. Period. They automatically

think you got a pussy. That's what I was thinking. He might have a pussy. He got titsies. I do not. As the only bush supporter in the room,

bush is female, right? I've just never heard that before. I say it as a joke. You know, like, hey, how my bush is before. I say it as a joke. You know, like, hey, how my bush is trimmed, you know, as a joke. Not like being serious, you know?

Yeah, but I don't think it added. I think it was a distraction. Sounds like pussy to me. So pubes? Pubes, yeah. Something different, yeah. Me in here. Well, how's the premise? I don't really remember what I call it exactly.

Coconut fur. Coconut fur. Do you like the premise? Do you think it could be funnier? I think it could be if you just get into it. If you start telling us what it's like instead of trying to make us picture it, because then it gets gross, so you're sort of like half describing it, and then all of a sudden we're looking

at you and it's just bad. So if instead of giving us too much time to think about it start throwing out things of what it does look like if you're saying that you have a tiny penis and lots of hair then get into it it sounds like a clitoris it's an exaggeration

you took a 30 minute drive to the I have a small dick store that's two minutes away it was just basically I have a small dick and that's two minutes away. It was just basically, I have a small dick. And it was just an overcomplicated way of doing a very basic dick joke. And that might even be it. It might even just go however you would say it. I would say to come right out with, I have a small dick.

That's funny. Or mix it with your other joke. Even worse than that, I have a lot of pubes. Because then you're already in, and then you can give examples on why and how. And maybe you can even talk about how you have that gut that probably makes things more complicated. Just say that you don't need pubes when you have a gut because that's already covering everything. You don't need two curtains, you know you see jesus's face though jesus's face was like on scary mode like i died for this i was sinning right now right in front of jesus yeah disgusting i like the cat

comparison when you know at the beginning because that is you would like the cat comparison very good visuals yeah my friend is one of those cats so cats. I don't know the kind of cat. What is it again? There's a lot of hairless cats. The one that Denzel Washington killed in the Isaiah movie, Elijah or the Book of Elijah.

Yeah, you know who I'm talking about. The one specific Denzel movie where he was intense and growling all the time. That one. Yeah, when he was blind and stuff, but you didn't know it until near the end. Anyway. Didn't see Book of Eli.

Eric, fuck yeah. I would talk about the, I would just come out with each line and then start giving, I would start talking about it, you know, instead of painting a long picture and all that. You know how Tiffany said that the girls in the first ten seconds, they decide if they're gonna fuck you?

I don't think you should talk about a small dick. That's a bad recommendation. Because they're right away gonna say, no way. Yeah, how do you get a girl to even see your dick? Or see this bush? If they were to see my penis, they'd be pleasantly surprised. I gotta, like, you know, not build it up as much. Because if I do talk about it

and then people say like, oh, he has a small dick and the girl does actually try to lame me, you know, she'll be pleasantly surprised because it's not small. I just fuck,

talk shit. They do is that. I just talk shit, you know. It's not small. Because we believe that shit. It's too late now. You obviously have a tiny dick. I mean,

there's no going back now. Once you compare it to the size of your puke. It actually looks like tattoo from Fantasy Islands. It's just a imagine. The blade, the blade. But my thing is, if I could give you a piece of advice,

it's when you do self-deprecation, you have to sell the shit out of it and own it. When you talk about how ugly you are, how fat you are, or how bad of a lay you are, you have to say that shit as if it is the curse that you have lived with for years. And I mean, the more hard you are

on yourself and the schlubbier you are, the more confident you have to be. Because if you combine sad delivery and sad material, people are like, I can't watch this because I feel like Sarah McLachlan should be holding you. Yeah, ain't nobody.

Hey, Mike. Especially because you have the penis of a two-month-old puppy. It's hilarious because I've actually said that in front of a crowd, and I've actually got like a, aw. Yeah, because nobody comes to a comedy show to feel sorry for you. We just want to fucking have fun.

So be confident in your little dick. You know what I mean? I got little titties. I'm like, yeah, I'm just trying to make a joke. We just want to fucking have fun. I need to make it funnier. So be confident in your little dick. I got little titties. I'm like, yeah, I got a 31A minus, but somebody going to suck on these nipples. For just 10 cents a day, you can see Eric Vasquez's bush. In the arms of an angel. It's in a cage sometimes. Confidence is key, man. Are you kind of talking about Joan Rivers?

You know the way she's confident but she puts herself down? Yeah. You have to own your own sadness. Yeah. Because it's got to be fun. That's the key to comedy. Have fun. People do not come to be sad or feel sorry

for your ass. They come to have fun. So have fun. Were you on a week ago or two? No, it's the first time. I've been here for a couple months and it's actually my first time up. But you've been doing comedy other places, right? Not mostly around here. Sometimes around here. I've only been doing comedy for two months. Awesome. Well, there you go.

Well, get up every day, man. I'm trying, brother. Fucking Petey's is open. You can go there. Just wherever you need to. Stage time's available. Even though we were making fun of that, seriously, if he's getting up every day and he found a place,

fucking that's great. Do it. Find a place. Thank you, guys. Eric Vasquez. He's like Eric with a K. Eric V Comedy on Twitter. At Eric with a K V Comedy. Work it, work it, work it. Eric Vasquez. He's on Eric with a K. Eric V Comedy on Twitter. At Eric with a K V Comedy.

There he goes. Eric Vasquez. For the second, after the first few people, I'm like, is it all black people that are going to get on? It's a minority show tonight. It was interesting. But we did get like the whitest. We got like the face of gentrification.

So we did get that. One black person had to give up their spot so that guy could go up yeah totally fuck yeah did you do you guys have a uh a bit that you did when you first started out that uh did i really yeah do we talk about this i don't remember talking about he said something i didn't say i don't know i don't remember talking about it. He said something I didn't say. I don't know. I don't remember this. Did you have a bit when you started out doing comedy that you are embarrassed that you did? Like when you very first started that was like bad and you remember it being bad? Did I ask you guys this? I swear to God you did.

I have a God that I may have when I started. But I think it was like Tiffany only answered it. I don't think so. No, I didn't answer that. That was right on the line. So you freaked me out because I'm like, fuck, did I i really but it's just because we were thinking about it before the last one that's how we're fucking monsters yeah our chemists we've we've been spending way too much time together we're both wondering did i ask that already anyway no you didn't i was thinking yeah

totally you wanna go first um my first, I remember it was probably whack, and maybe I might have bit it off of somebody. I don't know, because we were poor, and I was like, yeah, we were so poor. We had two TVs. You know how everybody have two TVs? But our TVs were in the living room, stacked on top of each other, and one was for picture and one was for sound. And if my light-skinned sister held the antenna just right, we would get color.

That was my joke. It was so whack. What do you mean that's whack? That's fucking awesome. Yeah, I've always been awesome ever since I was 16. Fuck this shit. I'm the Beyonce of this shit. I just need somebody famous to pass.

What's that antenna shit you're talking about? You mean your dad booked your gigs for you? No, I didn't know my dad. And fired all the other comics on the show? No. Yeah, which Beyonce are we talking about? You have a mediocre sister that's trying to do comedy now? No, no.

None of my... No, my sisters aren't mediocre. They're just some bad bitches. I guess maybe I'm the Nicki Minaj. Maybe, fuck that, I'm the Kim Kardashian. No, I didn't do it. No, I don't know. I'm just a bad bitch at comedy. You that, I'm the Kim Kardashian. No, I didn't do it. No, I don't know. I'm just a bad bitch of comedy.

You're the Tiffany Haddish of comedy. Yeah, I'm the Tiffany Haddish of comedy, and I've always been good. And I'm the Tiffany Haddish of slam poetry. You're all ready for this? What if we all just sit up, I'm Tiffany Haddish. No, I'm Tiffany Haddish. And I'll be like, I told you I was white. Please book me for video games.

I need this. What was your experience? Oh, my God. Three weeks in, because I did do slam poetry for seven years while working at McDonald's. I know it's weird. I'm judging people. But I did, and then I started comedy. My third week of comedy, I got my first book gig.

This was in Florida, and it was at a lesbian bar. And I literally just had seven minutes of material, and my closer was about breast cancer. And it was a joke about how awesome it would be if there was a breast cancer porno and one of the lines of it was what should I take off first my hair or my top

another line it was a whole trailer thing and Pat Morita as Dr. Chemo Sabi and he had died the week before so I just went in memoriam that's hilarious. But the whole thing was like the worst.

And someone threw a beer bottle at me while I was doing it. I don't remember. Some angry man with his lesbian girlfriend. A lady dude. I don't exactly remember what the lesbian who threw the beer bottle at me looked like, but I think it was like one of those bricks that falls on you in Mario Brothers with the face, the thwomps. But you know what? That was the greatest moment.

That was the moment I knew I'd be doing comedy forever because I'd spent so many years just wanting attention, and I finally got it at a lesbian bar. And what was great was I stayed. This is another one of my five pieces of advice to pass on to comics. I stayed the rest of the night. I went second. The worst bomb you could possibly have,

I watched every other comic and saw what worked. I mean, so many comics now are entitled and you know shitty and arrogant and i mean we always have been but like people will bomb after their second week of doing comedy and leave right afterwards stick around watch someone will always have a good set even on the worst night and you kind of if you can't like once you're not a good comic on a show be a good audience member be something yeah right in your first few years i think that's important it's important to watch comedy because you'll learn so much about timing and presence and yeah and a good way to perform

in a bad way to perform and even even if you see something kill that you despised and learn about what you don't want to do as a comic yeah it was crazy when i got the job here in 2007 and i worked here for three or four years at the door and uh i would watch you know you're getting paid basically to hang out and get to watch a show from the back of the room you're seating the room you're making sometimes i was just making sure that people were 21 and that nobody was heckling and You get to see 16 paid regulars do 15 minutes a night, and they're all sort of competing. It's not a competition, but everybody wants to be the one that they remember the most.

All new comics have is each other. I hope that two of the comics we talk to tonight go up to each other and meet each other and introduce each other. Right. Yeah, there's no better feeling in this show than having somebody come up to me a few weeks later and be like, Hey, that thing, that one thing, and I won't remember it first. Then I'm like, Oh, shit.

And then, you know, but when they get stuff working and it all comes together. Remember, the more helpful we are, the less funny we are. Yeah, exactly. Because you're going to learn today. You're going to learn today. You guys both have funny first bits. The TV on the TV and the breast cancer.

I thought you were going to say they had to scissor away some tissue. That would have been worse. Frank Castillo, everybody. Frank! It really is like a gentrification. We started black, and then we went white,

and now we're at all Hispanic. It's the fool. I love knowing whatever songs I reference, they'll play. I have some kind of power. Hey, guys. Hey! Hey! I was walking into work,

and I saw a homeless guy outside, he looked at me and we locked eyes and he said, Hey sir, can you spare some change? Or are you going to be a piece of shit? And it was weird because I'd already had my hand in my pocket like I clenched the change and I was like, you know what, I'm going to be a good guy today.

And then he was like, are you going to be a piece of shit? And I was like, yep, nope, stop garing. And I said change. I was like, you know what? I'm going to be a good guy today. And then he was like, are you going to be a piece of shit? And I was like, yep, nope. Stop, Garen. And I said it. And I was like, you know what? I think I am going to be a piece of shit. And he just stared at me. He was like, oh, fuck you. And I was like, you know what? You have a good day, sir. I felt like it really helped him. Like, maybe if his approach was, like,

a little bit better, you know? Like, you know, maybe he was, like, nicer about it. I probably would have, you know, gave him the change. That was more factual than anything. And I realized that as I said it. So that's actually just what happened. Latino David Cross, everybody. There he is.

That's the minute. Fuck yeah. Yeah, it's interesting where, you know, that's immediately what I thought. The moment that it started getting factual is when you said that you're staring at him or he's staring at you. Like the fact that you're still there.

I just wouldn't believe that. Now you're the weirdo out of the guy that's asking the stranger for change. I just wouldn't believe that the homeless guy is at another open mic right now somewhere telling his side of the story. And this motherfucker was like... And he was writing down notes

as this exchange was happening. I saw his wallet sticking out. He really needs a chain for it. A chain for a club bag. That's hilarious. You're funny as fuck. I've never seen you do comedy before, but I'm so excited to go see you

do you do a lot of are you from the east coast do you live here I'm trying to move here but yeah I live in New York oh wow you're great it's so weird

the east coast I finally got the approval my parents never gave me yeah I found you did I talk about this at the dark comedy that's how you know I look homeless

when someone tells you how they found someone. Not how they met. I found him. He was on the side of the road eating that can of beans he always ogles. In Toronto, I did the Toronto Dark Comedy Fest and

I was booked on that and I didn't know what was happening going into it. And you and I ended up bonding a lot. We were on all the same – I'm pretty sure we did a show together every night, if not two. We roasted the Iron Sheik together twice. And if that doesn't bring two people together, I don't know what will. Well, I know what will is doing a live podcast at the Comedy Underground with the Iron Sheik, but finding out that the Iron Sheik

can only do about 10 minutes right beforehand. And you're like, okay. So me and Mike are just going to sit behind a table at the Underground and just fucking light it up. You don't understand. The people who are fans of the Iron Sheik aren't wrestling fans. They're the people who yell Odoil rules

unironically and fist things they don't love and just want to see a dying man die. And so it's weird to entertain them because they just want to see a train wreck be a train wreck. They basically just

want to watch a fire and put a flamethrower to it. That's basically what an Iron Sheik audience is like. And we were just like, what do we do here? And just kind of pointed out the absurdity of that and they liked it. Right, because they were high as fuck because it was the underground.

Oh, God, yeah. And that was unbelievable. And the recording of that podcast, of that live podcast went out almost immediately and never turned into anything. Oh, yeah, of that live podcast, went out almost immediately and never turned into anything. Oh, yeah. So that's why I mean... It's just weird that there's like the East Coast comics. You barely know

them as a West Coast comics. The only way you know them is if they happen to visit or something like that. But there's like a whole group of people that do the same thing as I do. I have no idea who they are. It just blows my mind. It's just... He's like, how is this about my age? I know. as I do, I have no idea who they are. It just blows my mind. He's like, how is this about my age?

We're going to bring it around. This is meant to inspire you. We figured you had to be this close. When you roast the Iron Sheik, that work is available. What's interesting, there are two big differences about New York.

One, New York, you can get up as much as you want. It is not quality stage time, but it's quantity stage time. I sometimes will get up 15 to 20 times a week. Wow, that's awesome. Because it's there. And that's like even open mics. There are open mics running from 4 p.m. to midnight every night of the week if you want to look for them. And they're there.

They're not good, but you'll get your fucking muscles. Yeah, you'll get strong. You've got to put in 10,000 hours before you can become successful. That's the secret. We chip away one minute at a time here. And the other thing is LA loves its weirdos. I see people in costumes and their own

merch and stuff here and people love that. New York, we just don't have the tolerance for that. Get the fuck out of here with that. Like, a first month open mic-er here will already have a web series. And in New York, they're like, I just want to be good enough to carry my backpack with pride as the 27-year-old man that I am.

It is interesting, the differences. I just got to hang out with Ari Shafir, who's back in LA today. Great guy, yeah. He's been in New York for a while. You guys cross paths? Oh, yeah, yeah. I love Ari. Anyway, so Frank. He's back in L.A. today. Great guy, yeah. Yeah, he's been in New York for a while. You guys cross paths? Oh, yeah, yeah, love Ari. Anyway, so Frank. He's just so sweet.

You know what it's like to feel homeless now. You've been standing there for 10 minutes. I hope someone acknowledges me. God, how am I going to make money off this shit? Are they going to acknowledge me, or are you going to be a piece of shit? So, fuck yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, that's like a good story

to base tags off of. If you could smoke a bunch of weed and throw little tags in between the story, that makes sense. I mean, the story does make sense and it's very accurate. And it's real, so you can pull from that. But if you could write three or four tags and throw it in that story, then

you have something. But it's just a like, yeah, that makes sense kind of story. It's not going to... You already know this. I like your energy. I like you being yourself. I feel like you're a co-worker. If we worked at a print shop together or something, you'd be telling me that.

We'd be standing by the printer laughing like, for real? I've seen that bum too. It just seems like it'd be cool to talk to you and just be a friend of yours. It just feels more personal. I like your style and I like you. Map the laugh side.

When you're doing a one minute set or a story like that, make sure there are punches every 10 to 15 seconds. You don't have to be big, but just something to grab us and keep our attention. There he goes. Frank Castillo. He's at Frank C. Comedy on Twitter. Frank Castillo.

Who's next? Okay. Here we go. Put your hands together for Benjamin Carver, everybody. Woo! Hey, how you guys doing? So, speaking of pussy, $5, right?

How you doing? I love chocolate women. Without you girls, there'd be no flavor in this world. Hey, I want my next kid to have an afro. You believe that? Because, I mean, you know, chocolate girls don't fight, they win. So I figure, you know, you're still at the tip, you're going to be arguing. But let's make it happen.

Okay. I don't know, I just had to say that. I just want to give them a taste of their own medicine real quick. He looks like the drunken Jesus that lost his hair at a bar fight. He looks like the gay dude at a nail salon. He's the cool stoner on the podcast. I'm just saying. Wait. He is the cool stoner on the poscat.

Or poscat. Well, fuck it. Thought it was Dennis Rodman and fucking Miley Cyrus over there on a date. I don't know. I'm just trying to give you a taste of your own medicine. I don't know. Looks like it's not working. I was on the bus with this guy.

How you doing Iron Man? Yeah, I saw you. I know after the movie, you like to shit. I'm gonna use public transportation, I guess. Oh, wow, wow, wow. Listen for the cat. Listen for that cat. You don't do that.

This is the longest minute that you'll ever spend. Fuck it. You ever see a Jay who should be a silent Bob? That's a good one. Oh my god Chong just brought this show

To a Cheeching halt You don't like how it feels, huh? I love it You gotta fight back Actually, I start tomorrow I got hired to do a comedy skit For a TV show that airs in Russia. So I'm kind of excited.

In Russia? Yeah, I know. I mean, you got to start somewhere, right? It's called Omissions Report. You can Google it right now. I'm just saying. I'm just glad I got hired. So I'm just down here for that.

You going to play the stoner right now? In Soviet Union, you don't bomb on stage. Stage bombs on you. Well, I've never performed here, so I mean, I do it in San Diego. Why would you spend your whole set just making fun of people if you never performed here and you want to make an impression?

That's just me. Especially trying to clown me, a black woman. You look like Lil' Kim. Thank you. Because of the mole. Thank you. I look better than that bitch. Kim Kardashian, you got the booty the mall. Thank you. I look better than that bitch. Kim Kardashian. You got the booty. Yeah, thanks. I appreciate

that. You got to get your Mac game up though. You come talking to a black woman like you can fuck the shit out of her. You need to have some fucking game. I know when I start racking in more money, it'll happen. You look like you're a fan of chocolate, but not women. Yes! Tell it!

I'm the only one man enough to talk to. No, everybody talks to me. You're the only one man enough to treat her like another comic. You know you're wearing a Grateful Dead shirt right now. You know I am. He Grateful died on stage tonight. That was good. Benjamin, there you go, man.

Yeah. He won't survive. You got to get up on stage more and write some jokes. I got a shitload of stuff. I just wanted to roast you guys too. You guys look like you're applying for a dispensary, by the way.

On a public board and shit. Still trying. It's almost working. All right, guys, have a good one. Bye, Benjamin. The little pothead that could. I was trying to figure out if that was a Kinko's beanie or FedEx. Like what kind of beanie

was that? Yeah, I was wondering that too. Seedless? Another thing that's cool, I don't know if I got to mention this to you guys beforehand, but we have two regulars that go on every Monday night. They do 60 seconds each. And he's like, and you just saw both of them.

What? Fuck yeah. And I'm really excited about it. Put your hands together for Sarah Wineshank, everybody. Woo! You guys ever see these people that have their sunglasses fastened to a rope? They wear them around their necks.

It's weird. It's like, thick glasses, bro. Now you'll never lose them. Because they're on a rope around your neck. It's always these dudes that think they're so extreme. Like, they're so extreme that they have to have their glasses tied on a rope around their necks. What the fuck are they doing? Are they jousting? Rock climbing?

In what emergency are you going to need your sunglasses? You know what I'm saying? It's fucking weird. And the cheaper the sunglass, the more likely the rope. Like, no one who has nice sunglasses feels inclined to tie them on a rope. It's always the poor motherfuckers trying to hold on. You know? Their lives are so action-packed.

So extreme. Wow. That's so funny. Jesus Christ. That's so funny. Wow. She ready. Get it, girl.

And I like your skirt. Sailor Moon style. Thanks, girl. Yeah. You're so right about the cost of the glasses and the rope. That's just fucking hilarious. That is really, really funny. How much more did you have about that?

Because it seemed like you could have kept going. I like that. Yeah, it's hard to tell whether you had more or you were just about to start pulling a Frank Castillo and just describing things over and over again. So all of a sudden, I'm staring at the guy with a rope around his... The homeless man's name was James. He was 35

years old. I was like trying to take my time. I was nearing the end. It could have gotten weird. Had it been like a minute 03, it would have been weird. Interesting. I really like it, how it is. I think you're getting it out there just enough, the information.

And with your style and with the other things that irk you and those other goofy things, I think that all really goes well together. Fuck yeah, rope around the neck. What is so important? There's almost nothing else that people keep ropes around their neck of things. Bus passes, mental disability, illness cards. It's a whole lot of things. They hold life savings.

This is a multi-purpose rope right here. It's an accessory. But exactly what she just said all goes with what you're saying. Even anything on a rope, it never is rich person stuff. Like a house key. Like a latch key. One of the latch key kids. You never see anybody's Maserati key connected to a rope.

I just bought a pair of glasses and they were sports glasses, I guess for fishermen. And they did come with a rope already, but it came with like a big round thing that if you lose it, it floats. And so it's like this big rock that connects to the back of your rope. So you have a buoy on your fucking glasses. I do. That's so funny. And you never get in water. Anything with a rope on it seems like something a grandfather

passes on to you. Take this, my son. That's funny. I feel like Red Band, when I was thinking of people that might have ropes on their glasses, I was like, maybe Red Band. What? I don't know.

I feel like I have seen you with a rope on your glasses. I've never had ropes on my sunglasses. I love how defensive you get. Why would you think that about me, sir? That I would ever have a rope on my sunglasses. Blasphemer, who is she to think that I have had a rope on my sunglasses? Here's a weird thing, though. I used to always go

to the mall and buy those two pairs of sunglasses for 15 bucks or whatever that shit is because you usually can find a good pair. The flying J? Yeah, but I would buy like 12 a year, 14 a year because I would lose them like every week. I bought a pair of expensive sunglasses recently. I've had them for

eight months. It makes no sense because I don't do anything really different with them. With this guy with the sunglasses around his throat, would he be fucking with those on too? Could you imagine the dude trying to do it to you with his glasses hanging over your

face? The opposite of that. You know what he'll never need those on a rope for is because he'll ever be getting laid so hard that his sunglasses might fall off. I don't own sunglasses. I just sit in the front of every wrestling event and hope Bret Hart gives me his someday.

Wow. I can just see the tweets of the wrestling fans. That's how I knew kids had money when they could get the glasses. And I went one time and we were all the way in the nosebleeds. And my dad was like, he's not coming up here. He's not walking up here. It's too far. It's so fucking funny.

Sarah Wine Shank, another great session. Good job, Sarah. She's on Twitter at Princess Shank that's the word Princess S-H-E-N-K at Princess Shank so fun

and this is our other regular she dropped out of college at Florida State University Florida home of the Gators

and she dropped out after her first time ever doing stand-up on this show. Here she is. Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Woo! What's up, guys? I want to tell you something funny

that I read earlier. A little fact. Did you know that 50% of people wipe sitting down and 50% of people wipe standing up? And that most people don't know that the opposite exists? What a bunch of assholes. Speaking of assholes, I'm single now. I was dating someone for a while, and it was cool.

It was a lot of fun. Things got weird, though. Things got a little bit abusive. But he's doing okay now, and I apologize. And I think that he should have just made me that sandwich. I don't know. I just don't think I'm someone to fuck with, you know? Like, I brush my teeth and I rinse with orange juice.

He should have known. That's it. How long was that? 54 seconds, 55? 54 seconds. 55. Fuck yeah. I don't get the rinse with orange juice thing. It tastes terrible.

It's fucking awful. Have you ever done it? It makes you tough. It's badass. That's pretty rough. Right? The three times I brushed my teeth. I mean, I drank orange juice afterwards and it was horrendous.

Fuck yeah. The three times he brushed his teeth. I drank orange juice afterwards and it was horrendous. Fuck yeah. The three times he brushed his teeth. The one thing that I noticed was that the first words out of your mouth were, I'm going to tell you something funny. I don't know. I just feel like you're raising

a bar. No, I'm being serious. I just feel like you're raising a bar and like a in it no I'm being like serious so I just think that's a very weird thing to say at the top of anything like even if it was I'm gonna tell you something funny that I just read it's like well then you read something like what are we doing almost I mean it's better to go up and say I'm hoping to get booked on the museum of tolerance you know yeah like I would just get into I read if you're going to do a bit about that or about anything. I got a strange story to tell you about or a new interesting fact I learned. What I learned today is that. Anytime someone's like, here's something funny, it's like the audience is going to decide that anyway.

Exactly. the audience is going to decide that anyway. Exactly. So if you tell them it's funny, they're like, oh, this is going to be crazy instead of you being an underdog and them wanting to see something funny. Gotcha. Because it's the release of that tension that is laughter.

So if they really think that something funny is coming, it could be something really fucking funny and they're just like, oh, okay. So that was it. If the magician is like, I'm going to make it disappear out of this hand, so keep an eye on this. really fucking funny and they're just like oh okay so that was it. If the magician's like I'm going to make it disappear out of this hand so keep an eye on this and then he's with both hands but you're just staring at one hand.

Anyway. The abuse joke I like but I think it needs to go further and go to this point of absurdity because now where it's at it's just kind of basic. I mean I I like sandwich, but go even further. Give us the whole story, the crazier it is

and you overpowering him. Because the idea is funny. It's a great premise, but it just needs to go further because the way that it is now, it's like, yeah, I guess that did happen. Like he shouldn't leave his phone unattended or he should have moved his head when I threw the phone like he should learn how to

duck even though like old old you know stereotypes like you know and that's what he gets for sassing off you know or just like so sad when he had to you know and make him purposely masculine like and then he had to go to his construction job the next day and said he fell down some stairs. Yeah, I'd get into that more.

I didn't choke him. I hugged him with my hands. I would get into that one more. I would probably lose the asshole one from the top. And I wouldn't tell people that things are funny that are coming before it happens. They're sort of hoping that anyway. There she is. Can I say something real quick?

Real quick before. She said 50% stand up and white, 50% sit down. Would that statistic be different for women? And if it's just women, is it like 80% sit down? Because they already like them. That's not a real statistic. I actually talk about the same thing on stage. It's not 50-50.

It's more like 80-whatever. But if it's just women, though, is it higher? Because women sit down and they urinate. This is something you can look up later tonight. We don't always sit down when we urinate. Kimberly Congdon, guys. She's at Kimberly Congdon on Twitter. Fuck yeah.

The Mike Lawrence on Twitter. At Tiffany Haddish. Anything else you guys got coming up you want to promote? Oh, I'll be on Epic TV February 14th with Jenny McCarthy doing a dirty, sexy, funny comedy show. She ready. Let's go. And I'll be at San Francisco Sketch Fest February 7th and the 8th.

Awesome. The Comic Patriot. What's your Twitter? The Mike Lawrence. The Mike Lawrence. And Tiffany Haddish. And at Comic Patriot on Twitter, tweeting pictures of himself in the backgrounds of things, tweeting everything about the show that you need to know.

I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. Brian. Hey. Look for a big announcement soon from me and Tony. Death Squad was so successful in Texas. We're going to take this very soon. Death Squad! Thank you guys so much for coming out tonight.

Hopefully you'll come back again soon and hang out with us. Doug Benson next week. Stay tuned for the Ding Dong Show. I feel so good if I just say the word. Bye.