KILL TONY - KILL TONY #330 - PHILADELPHIA

Episode Date: March 26, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 03/21/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you can find every episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. You can click on tour dates. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the world famous comedy store, but we're all over the place. This Thursday, March 28th, we'll be in Ventura, California. And we're also coming up on St. Louis, West Nyack, New York, La Jolla, California, New York, Fort Worth, Texas, Sacramento, and San Francisco. All these dates are almost sold out.

We're adding new dates all the time. All these dates are almost sold out. We're adding new dates all the time. So your best bet is to go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates and get your tickets before they're gone. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything you want, Golden Pony, including his own tour dates. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he draws every single episode, and you can check out all

his cool artwork and his books. He has the Kill Tony book and posters. It's great. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, and you have the

Kill Tony shirt. There's a few of them left. And hats and a bunch of stuff we got death squad mugs check it out shop squad dot tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red bank coming to you live from Helion Comedy Club in Pennsylvania. Give it up for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hickscliff. Hello, Philadelphia.

Make some fucking noise. Wow. Look at this. It's Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. We are live in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, for the first time ever. How exciting is this? We are squozing on a small stage. Everything is tight knit. Romantic. We are squozing in for Philly. It has happened.

You asked and you received. We added a second show and we added a third Kill Tony on Saturday. You guys are unbelievable. Clearly you guys were the first to get tickets so a shout out to you fucks. We also have four massive stand up shows

this weekend. I believe tickets are still available if you guys aren't busy on Friday or Saturday. I think only the first show Saturday is sold out. And I do believe the Saturday Kill Tony sold out, but there might be one or two tickets available. And we're here, Red Band. Can you believe it? Yes. It's great.

There's a poster that's for sale after the show that was drawn by our very own Ryan J. E. Belt. Look at that. That's for sale along with... And we'll sign them for you. There's only like a hundred of them, right? Or something like that? Very limited edition. We'll sign them if you buy one. We'll be out there for a few minutes after the show.

They're also going to be selling Cat Burglar stickers and magnets, a Joel Berg sticker, and Jeremiah brought original CDs of his stand-up comedy. Yeah, compact discs, guys. For those of you that are not only fans of massive internet shows but also still have CD players, Jeremiah will be selling CDs of probably some of his older stand-up. He's been selling these for a while, so not even new topical stuff. It's real grassroots, pure stand-up comedy. I think he transferred it from VHS also.

Really, if you just want to give Jeremiah money after the show for anything, he'd appreciate it. What else? Oh, a special shout-out to Alex Yorcaba, who made this amazing, look at this, fucking Philly custom-made bucket of destiny. He's on Instagram at Yorcabeza, Y-U-R-C-A-B-A-Z-A,

so that's pretty cool. And a special shout-out to David Knowles and Seth Miller from Menchie Music. They're here. Menchie Music is an amazing store with multiple locations all across PA. They are the ones, the brilliant geniuses that gave Jeremiah Watkins a saxophone.

How fucking cool are they? Make some noise for them. They're somewhere around here. The entrance is on your left all night. That's this way. If you get pulled out of the bucket, you gotta go around and you gotta go that way. Don't try to be fancy and jump over stuff. It's not gonna happen. So that's

that. These road Kill Tonys are fun. Yes, they're always different. How many of you found out about this Kill Tony from hearing us promote it on the podcast Kill Tony? That's a lot of people. So you're gonna have to sit there and enjoy yourselves while we keep it going

because we are in Ventura, California on Thursday, St. Louis on April 4th with four stand-up shows after that at that Helium Comedy Club in St. Louis, 4-11 West Nyack, New York gets their own Kill Tony with weekend stand-up at Levity Live, and then La Jolla, we just added a second Kill Tony show there. That is on April 28th, and I do stand up there the 26th and 27th. And don't forget, you big Northern California comedy fans,

Kill Tony Mania returns October 18th and 19th, and in Sacramento, the 16th and 17th. So that's Sacramento and then San Fran. It's going to be eight Kill Tonys in eight days. Yeah, that's ridiculous. Yep, yep. Wow. So there you go. How many of you like coffee?

Caveman Coffee makes the best. Use the promo code KILLTONY. Save 15% off any order of that. And we'll talk about them a little bit later on. As always with all of these road shows, we never bring a guest with us. However, Philadelphia, since you guys are such goddamn animals, we were, since we added shows and whatnot,

we were able to rationalize bringing the best damn band in the land with us. They are two of the funniest human beings on the planet. Every single episode of this show, if you don't know, maybe you're the girlfriend of a big fan of this show and this is your

first time, you're like, what the fanky you bring me to? The band stays in character throughout the entire episode. It's always different characters. Sometimes they'll bring back some of our favorite characters or some of theirs. We never know what they're going to be. They had a separated area there where they were getting ready and tooting their horns and whatnot.

And maybe getting ready to sell some original CDs. Compact discs. But here they are. Let's see how loud this place can get for the Kill Tony band. Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Berg. Joel, I'm in it. What will they be? What? What? Are you guys gym teachers?

Is that what it is? Coaches? Gym teachers? My name is Roy Robeson and I am the coach at Johnson County Community College. Oh, Roy Robeson. And, uh... And, uh, wow.

You must be... What are you, a caramel chocolate sundae? What are... What is this monstrosity behind me? This looks like Fortune Feimster with sunburn. Are you gonna let me talk? Okay, go ahead. Here it is. My name's Chris Johanson.

I'm a coach over at Beaver Tits Florida High School. So you guys are high school and community college coaches. I'm excited about this. Yeah, I'm going to go pro really soon. Oh, what? Wow. How old are you, Roy Robison? Oh, 43.

43. Wow. That is some strong hair for a 43-year-old. Yeah, hairline's on point. You can see that. Has that always been the color of your hair? Yeah, it came out as a baby. Same style, same length.

All right, well, I'm excited. This is your guys' first time being on this show, right? We've never had a... Right? Is this your first time, coaches? You're darn sure it is. Wow, Philadelphia, you have a first time... It's the first time for everything.

These guys... I love it. All right, so we have... The band is in place, the athletic coaches of community college and high school, Beaverton. What did you used to do? You used to be a wrestler, huh? Yeah, in high school.

Yep. I played basketball and baseball, too. All state? I mean, no, I'm from Ohio, where they have great athletes. So you were a bad athlete? No, I just wasn't, you know... Like, in basketball, one of our rivals was LeBron James when I graduated. He was in my...

Delay a game. Go ahead and go back to the show. I mean, I dropped a pretty big name there. Delay a game. Go ahead. Go back to the show. I mean, I dropped a pretty big name there. I was in the same class as LeBron James and Maurice Claret, if you've ever heard of those guys. But I guess so.

Delay a game. I'm going to need you to pick up those names you just dropped. I mean, he asked me. All right. I get it. So anyway, this bucket is filled to the brim with names of Philadelphia people. Not really. To the bottom brim, if you're

wondering which brim I'm talking about. With people that signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. If I pull your name out, you know your time's up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry, gay Philadelphia bear.

I didn't ask what the gay part of town was. I forgot to do that. Yeah, what is the gay part of town? Trey, what's the gay part of town? Gamerhood? That's what it's called? Shit, I was pretty close. How are you very clever neighborhood names here in Philadelphia?

Yeah. I thought it would... Where else is there? Like, Faggotsville or something like that? Hey, hey. Neighborhood. My God. Homo Depot.

Fucking, fucking... All right. Clearsville? I said Clearsville. I'm sorry. All right. So we have the coaches. We have a bucket.

We have Red Band. Me. You guys ready to start this fucking thing or what? I guess so. That's it, right? We're going to time them. All good. Here we go.

Be careful getting to the stage, people. Don't fucking hurt yourself. Don't knock over people's drinks and whatnot. All right. Here we fucking go. Make some noise for your first comedian tonight, Louis Daraville. Louis Daraville. Where's Louis at?

Here he comes. Oh, yeah. Come on, one more time for Louis Darabelle. Yo, Helium, give me some love. First of all, there's like four black people in here. Is this Philly or Ohio? You ever notice that there's like a lot of things that are politically correct with one glaring exception? Can somebody please tell me why Dick's Sporting Goods is not called Richard's yet?

I mean, like, I can't even be a soccer coach getting supplies. Hey, yo, Lou, where you going? I'm going to Dick's to get some balls. I'll be right back. I wonder if they got the same naming convention in Africa. Hey, old Lou, where you going? I'm going to Mandingo's. I'll be right back.

Yo, what would it be like if you walked into Mandingo's? As soon as you walk in, you'd be like, wow, this place is twice as big as Dick's. That's my time, y'all. There you go. Louis. Daraville. Louis, stay up here. Where are you going?

Stay up here, Louis. What is this? Is this your first time seeing the show? Wow, really? You're just a comedian from Philadelphia? Step up to the microphone. They're just like, hey, there's a show going on at Helium. Go sign up. You get 60

seconds and then run away for your life. Real talk, my friend from Jersey, his name is Danny Braff. He's in the back. We're both comedians from New Brunswick area. He's like, yo, you want to come through? I'll say, fuck it. That's the

kind of fan base that we have for this show. Yeah, exactly. Perfect. Absolutely. Better, better now than ever. Were you New Brunswick, New Jersey? Yeah, but I was born and raised in Princeton. And shout out to the one-fourth of the black guy.

His name is Justin. I saw him in the background. Wow. Wow, shout outs. Yeah, you really are a black guy. His name is Justin. I saw him in the background. Wow. Wow, shout outs. You really are a black guy. Yeah. Shout out to the one quarter all state athlete in the house.

I love the guy from Princeton surprised at the lack of black people around. When you say one fourth of a black guy, what do you mean by that? Like he's mixed or something like that? Sounds like heaven. No, they're like... What? Oh.

Red band. We literally counted how many black guys walked in. Oh, now you know how white people do it. You really are for Princeton. Somebody get me your manager. I saw seven black people in this restaurant.

What kind of place is this? Lewis, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Three years. Three years. What do you do for work? IT asset management at a German company. At a German? German insurance company, sir.

Whoa, German insurance company. What are you covering, like trains and stuff? Or, like, what do they have going on out there? It's reinsurance. So, technically, we take over the debt of other bigger companies like Geico or something like that. Wow, look at that. A black guy taking on someone else's debt for a change. That's incredible.

I love this. Thanks, brother. You're a special guy. So three years. You do it all in Jersey? No, I'm in the tri-state area from New York, Philly, Jersey. New York, Philly, Jersey. Wow, that's cool.

How long was your trip here today? An hour. Your friend that you came with, he's black too? No, he's a Caucasian Jew. Whoa. Your friend that you came with, he's black too? No, he's a Caucasian Jew. Whoa.

So you were like, I definitely want to drive an hour to do 60 seconds. I didn't even know I was going to come up. It was like affirmative action. I guess so. You call it affirmative action. We call it the luck of a bucket. I call it affirmative blackshin. Hey, there you go.

Look at this fucking guy. Danny DeVito's wife coming in hot. Oh, Pearl. Rhea Perlman. That's a Rhea Perlman reference for those of you fans of... Cheers!

Hell yeah. Lewis, tell us something that we'd be surprised to know about you. Fun facts about you. I was an English teacher in Japan Wow Then they kicked you out for breaking too many Asian women's vaginas All those poor ladies

Sounds accurate In the shallow How long How long were you in Japan for? I was there for like a little over a year. Wow, what took you there? Why Japan? Well, I used to watch Japanese dramas.

Like the Japanese version of ER. Wow, you really are from Princeton, aren't you? Jesus Christ. How do you even find that you're into something like that? I was flipping through the channels. Flipping through the channels? Yeah, and then... In Japan?

It was like a Japanese time show, like an hour out of every Saturday, and as I was flipping through the channels, I was like, oh, snap. Oh, snap. Is it true that the Japanese version of ER is EL? Oh, shit.

I don't even get it. I asked if it was true. I don't know. Okay. So, do you have an Asian fetish? Sure. Well, I mean, you watched a soap opera. I don't discriminate, you know? What's your favorite thing about Asian women?

Oh, legs. Legs, they have them, yes. They have two of them. Very short legs, yes. Very different than most women. What is your preferred type of woman? Your favorite. Tall, leggy.

Tall, leggy. Skin color? No preference. Doesn't matter. So if I showed you Gumby in a wig, you'd be like, fuck yeah. Look at those legs on that fucking Gumby-ass bitch. I'm going to pokey her. All right, well.

What do you think of this lady right here? Ah, a little Jolina for you. For those of you, 99.999% of you that didn't see that, I held up a picture. Jolina. Roy Robison with a question over here. Talk to me, brother.

Do you speak Japanese? A little bit, yeah. Can you give us a little example? Can you say, get your white honky ass out of here in Japanese? I know the word for a white person. It's hakujin.

Hey, take it. All right. You just let it rip. Ten points. How would you say that? Can you just say really any? We won't know what the fuck you say anyway. So you can literally just say like a Japanese sentence.

Kill Tony was very interesting. That was African. That was pure. That was not Japanese at all. Did you just tell them you were teaching them English? You lied to them? Yeah. Are you like doing Ebonics with Japanese?

Konichiwa-san. Wow. Coach Robison. Yeah, that's accurate. Do you still have a CD player? No, I don't. That's all I needed to know about that. I still have an 8-track in my Chevy, okay? All right.

Well, Lewis, thanks for getting it started, man. You didn't even know what you came in for tonight. You got the whole party started. Louis Daraville, everyone. Hell yeah. You guys having fun? You get it? You know what's going on? It's so funny.

The only person that doesn't know what they're here for just got on stage first. Pretty amazing. Okay, let's see what happens now. Make some noise for Corey Arlette. Corey Arlette. Wow. That's a loud pop there. Here he is.

Here's Corey. Hey, guys. I'm 29. I still have wet dreams. And by that, I mean I piss my bed all the time. Because I'm an alcoholic. Yikes. I know, I know, I know.

Sometimes, when you're at your own house, it's one thing. People just think that you wash your bed all the time. I'm like, yeah. Got a lot of germs down there, bud. You know what I mean? Very hygienic. But when you do it at a stranger's house,

it's another thing, you know? You wake up, it's like a CSI scene. There's like a white chalk around the piss. You got to kind of weeble wobble. Well, you get rid

of all the evidence, obviously, because it's a crime scene. You know what I mean? Take the other couch cushions out back, you know, shoot them. Put them into separate trash cans around town because that's how you get rid of stuff.

You know? As a criminal, I gotta know, you know what I mean? And I know what you're all thinking. Yeah, here we go. Woo! Hey, guys. and I know you're all digging. Yeah, here we go. Woo! Thank you. Hey, Ben. So, Corey, let's talk about it.

I was shitting my pants that whole time, goddammit. I bet you are, according to all of your material. That's pretty much what we do. Yeah, technically, I was pissing my pants. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no. How dare you? Yeah, yeah. Oh, no. How dare you?

Fuck yeah. So, Corey, you're basically a disgusting piece of shit human. You drink a lot. Thank you. Thank you. You piss in people's beds. Thank you. How true is that?

How often do you pee the bed? I mean, in the last two weeks, twice. Are you fucking serious? That's not because of drinking. You have something really wrong with you, man. It was only because I was blacked out, you know. I wake up like this. I go outside in the hallway of a hotel.

I know, I know, but there's the fun kind. You sure it's not jet lag? There's the fun kind. There's the fun kind where you walk around your house and pee on stuff, and then there's the fun kind. Hey, hey, hey. There's the fun kind where you walk around your house and pee on stuff, and then there's the other kind where you just pass out and pee on... Wow, you're like Red Band if he just was about pee instead

of poop. It's pretty incredible. Hey! When Red Band's concerned. More than yellow, more than yellow. There you go. Yes. That was the song. So, Corey, what does it take? What do you usually drink in an average night?

If you could give us a little ballpark of what it really is. Like around a bunch of vodka mainly, to be honest. Yeah? Like a piss load. No, no, it's just your one table of coked-up daydream friends. I know, I know, I know. I can tell you're really feeding off of their energy. But really, don't ignore the perhaps 300 other people not making a sound staring at you like you're a crazy man.

Tony, give this to me, all right? So, Corey, tell us more about you. You have a job? How do you make all this sweet, sweet vodka money? Well, I mean I mainly drink the cheapest vodka New Amsterdam The newest of Amsterdam

Are you giving shoutouts now to vodka companies? What do you do for work? What do you do for a job? If you want to piss the bed just like me Drink New Amsterdam I think the cheapest vodka is rubbing alcohol If you want to piss the bed just like me, drink New Amsterdam. I think the cheapest vodka is rubbing alcohol. Yeah, pretty much, pretty much, to be honest.

You must hate your fucking job because you are stalling like a motherfucker. Dude, dude, yeah, yeah. I'm looking at you pretending like we're just going to talk about vodka the whole time. It's very hard to explain. We work in a manufacturing. You're a fucking... You're what? You sell CDs? You look like you... What kind of CDs?

What kind of CDs? What is the implication there? I don't get it. Corey, shut up. What do you do for work? I work at a manufacturing company. Yeah, what do you manufacture? Machines that make microchips, for lack of a better word.

So whose friend's dad got you that job? Really? Is he really over there somewhere? One of these guys over here. Shout out. Is it really true you got it from a friend's dad? Sincerely, yes. You're out there.

That man right there? It's the only way to get jobs. Very good. It doesn't actually matter. You can stop pointing. I didn't care either. Will you stop sagging your pants and pull them up? You are disgusting me right now.

Everyone always does it. Jeremiah! It's not how we do things in Kansas. It's Johnson County Community College. Corey, how long have you been working that tedious job manufacturing microchips? Because I would honestly, if I had that job and I was just stuck doing that

and wasn't following up with any serious hobbies or fun things, I'd probably be pissing my bed twice a week too from alcoholism. Dude, two for two. I used to actually do sales door to door. Oh, that's worse. In Philadelphia, y'all. You know what I'm saying? Y'all got rising fires here.

What's up, yeah? Dude, they hate you. Your own city hates you. How many of you hate Corey? I mean, they really hate you. Oh, wow, even your friends. They didn't. They're so fucked up that they cheered for that part, too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is my first time, yo. Give me a chance. No, I know. I know it's your first time. I was so nervous about coming up here, Tony. Relax. You're a cheese dick, aren't you?

So cheesy. I'm so cheesy right now. So, Corey, tell us more about you. You know, obviously your whole life can't just be going to the manufacturing company and drinking and sleeping in late and then doing it again. There's no way that that's possible. Give us something else about you. A lot of bedwetting.

But, I mean, if you want to look for like a rare skill that I have, I'm really good at balancing on a wheelchair for some reason. How do you balance on a wheelchair? When you're on a wheelchair, you can kind of balance on... You mean you pop a wheelie and you hold it there? That's it? No, no, there's way more. You do like tricks? What do you do?

I mean, I can wobble around in the wheelchair. Like Latino hydraulics and stuff? Wobble around. Bounce it up and down? I can make the wheels spin a little bit. Is that really true? I swear to God, yeah. Wow, do we have

a wheelchair here anywhere? I hoped you would ask to be honest. What's that? I hoped you would ask. That is like the whitest shit ever. I'm going to find a hobby

based off something someone else really needs. I know, I know. It's terrible, but I got it from my grandma and I use it as my computer chair. What did you get

from your grandma? Not talent. God damn you, Joel Berg. My mom's in a wheelchair. Joel's mom is in a wheelchair so he has taken special offense to this. I mean, my grandma was in a wheelchair too so that's how I got it. And you took it from her.

She could have still been in one. Is that true it from her. No, no, she died. She could have still been in one. Is that true? When your grandma died, did you take her wheelchair? She died. I guess I inherited it, if you would. Wow, I guess so. I mean, I just took it, but no one else did. Corey, you're one of the few people that become more unlikable the longer you stay on the stage.

No, no, no, no, no. Normally we find like that. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Why don't we try this? Why don't you give us one redeeming quality? Something that will make us all love you. Something from the heart about you, Corey. Oh, Christ.

Last time I asked you this, you said that you do wheelies in wheelchairs. Well, yes, if I had any special skills. But likeable qualities is hard to attain. Oh, Jesus. Oh Jesus. Alright. We got your fucking friends chiming in now.

I knew this would happen to be honest. They kind of made me sign up for this. I didn't want to do this to be honest. I could tell you didn't want to do this. I was really nervous. No, no. Nothing against you Tim. No, no, no. It's okay.

I can't believe it was two or three minutes ago that I said you become more unlikable the longer you're up here. I was too nervous. I was too nervous to do it. Now you're just rambling and bumbling on a live podcast. I love it. Jeremiah. I have spoken to the board at Kill Tony University. Your scholarship has been revoked.

Goodbye. There he goes. Corey Arlett there he goes there goes Corey dude I didn't even fucking want to do this one guy didn't know what the show was the other guy didn't want to do this we are on a hot streak here in

Philadelphia. Only seven more shows here in Philly before we go back to L.A. on Sunday. So, at this rate, see what happens with this guy. This guy sounds like he has a comedy name. Make some noise for Dylan Dowdle. Dylan Dowdle.

Hey! Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah. He's gonna wait to talk. Dylan Dowdle. Here he comes. No, he's not him. Oh, there he is. Here he is. Make some noise one more time for Dylan Dowdle. Philadelphia, what the fuck is up?

How's it going? Alright, so the last eight months have been really shitty and tough for me. I lost my father over the summer, and my dad was a workhorse for our family. He sometimes worked 74 to 80 hours a week just at a job that he didn't like. But at the end of the day, he took a shot for something he really believed in before he left that shot was unfortunately a 12 gauge shotgun that he bought for me on my 13th birthday um so going through that has taught me a lot of things it's taught me so much fucking shit um one i can call my girlfriend daddy way more than I thought I was going to. Easily.

Two, I'm more vulnerable. I'm okay with crying and doing the weird thing in front of people. It's just made me open up a little bit more. And I also don't have to worry about talking about the conversation where sometimes my girlfriend pegs me. And I don't have to bring that up around dad. And mom's been around a lot of tough shit. So you know she can take it. Fuck yeah.

Dylan Dowdle. My bad. Alright, let's talk about it. Dylan. First of all, welcome to the show. Thank you, Tony. Did you sign yourself up? Do you know what you are here for?

Fuck yes, I love this show. Well, we love you. You're the first ever lesbian werewolf we've ever had on this show. I'm really excited that you're here. I have a question about your eyebrows. Yeah, what's up? Why? They just grow, man.

I try to trim the sides, it gets worse than this. You look like Super Mario became an app developer. Why? They just grow, man. I try to trim the sides, it gets worse than this. You look like Super Mario became an app developer. Look out there, Dylan. Show the people those eyebrows. Show them those fucking thick lashes. Looks like the Kardashian Christmas photo. Yes, Jeremiah.

Yes, Roy Robison here. I would like to offer you a full-time position as the women's volleyball coach at Johnson County Community College. I accept. I accept, Roy. So, Dylan, that was fun. Have you done stand-up before? This is my sixth time doing it over the span of three years or so. Over three years.

Yeah. When did your dad kill himself? He killed himself July 24th of 2018. 2018? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah. He killed himself July 24th of 2018. 2018? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. And did you talk to him in the days before or anything like that?

Was there any signs that this was going to happen? Did you give him the gun? Oh, fuck. Yeah, no, I talked to him. Something came out that he was ashamed of and something my mom didn't know about. Hold on a second. Wait a second. Wow. All right, all right.

People don't shoot themselves three times, right? He had a big head, just like his son. Wow. Damn. That. Damn. That's true. I'm surprised he didn't accidentally shoot you, too. You know, sometimes I wish he would. Oh, come on.

I know, I know, I know. But it's normal to feel that way sometimes. Come on, Dylan. Don't be a son. Come on. All right. Well, that just makes it sadder. So, where were we? We said that your dad had something come out. That just makes it sadder. Where were we? What was your dad ashamed of? Your dad had something come out. What came out?

Was it you? No, actually surprisingly not. I did audition for the Annie solo when I was nine years old. Is that really true? Can you give us a little example of your vocals from the Annie solo? The sun will come out tomorrow.

Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun. I don't even remember it. You know what I mean? There you go. Look, they like you. That's good. Thank you, guys. You definitely are now a little orphan.

You can't make this shit up. Sometimes it's just sometimes I'm just standing on a ladder next to the basketball hoop and the ball just lands in my hand. Little orphan Annie. His dad killed himself. Anyway. So I'm dying to know. I mean, he's dead. This

can't bother him. What came out that he was ashamed of? He had sexually assaulted someone back in the day and then the news came out that he was ashamed of? He had sexually assaulted someone back in the day and then the news came out later on and then news came to my family and he was ashamed and went away and did that

and we tried to console him out of it. Tried to get him help and yeah. He just couldn't face the fact that he basically raped someone back in the day. Right? Basically, yes. Not... Yeah. Not rape, rape. Not like dick in a vagina, but maybe like fingers and some shit like that.

Yeah, we don't need to get into details, but that's... Oh, okay. Maybe it was a dick after all. It seems like it was probably a dick in a vagina. No, I'm kidding. Wow. Do you have a part of your childhood that you don't remember? Red man! Wow. Do you have a part of your childhood that you don't remember? Red band. Was it a 20 Me Too caliber gun?

Anyway, that's a... 20 Me Too? Okay, Joel Berg. My goodness. Man man I wish I knew more about this debt was he did he work around here was he a part of the

Penn State coaching staff or anything like that no I actually drove here from Geneva New York and then picked my friends up in Rochester and drove all the way here here

wow from Rochester fuck yeah wow I got here right at 7. I don't know if you know this, but I made a promise to myself to never perform in that high up in upstate New York

ever again. It's one of the places that I've sworn away. So congratulations to you for being smart enough to make the drive because we're never coming there. You'll always have to make a drive to come here. You picked up friends in Rocha. So how long have you been driving for today?

Five hours and 40 minutes, give or take. Look at you. Yeah, wearing that sweet, sweet... Traveling. Hey! I love it. We've just accepted he's both a coach and a referee at the same time. It's like, okay.

I coddle my athletes, okay? I'm sorry that I take them through all the rules of basketball to make sure that they don't make the same mistakes that I did in my life. What mistakes did you make? I ended up as a head coach at Johnson County Community College in Kansas. How do you think my life is going? And yes, I still listen to CDs. Wow.

So Dylan, that's interesting that you've only done it six times. What are some other things in your life that you think you could talk about other than your dad dying and what you look like? I mean, I'm a chef, and I also make music. I play guitar. I rap. I play drums. Oh, give us a little.

I mean, geez, Louise. You know, I think it's one of those situations where I want to hear what your rap sounds like. I am dying to... Okay. Fuck yeah. Yeah, can you give us a little... What do you want to freestyle? You want a beat?

Yeah, give me a beat. Something lo-fi, soulful, I don't know. Whatever you got, actually. Here you go. Joel will give you a little beat. Alright. I'm blowing up like an asterisk getting my ass kicked while I'm sucking dudes off who rubbing off

chapstick. Everybody wanna talks like a top gun, they maverick. But they don't hit with my hooch. I'm a pooch. I'm a straight dog and I'm chilling in the booth. You wanna come get a me? Come out the coop. Chickens flicking.

Everybody finger licking. And you know the thunder has just fucking stricken. Whoa. Wow. I mean, that was a hell of a rap. I mean, geez, Louise. What do you think, Joel? I have a question.

Are you a better drummer or a better rapper? Good question. I started out from 10 to 18 playing drums, and I've been playing guitar and writing songs more, but I have a great time on the drums. I don't know if I got the speed, but I have a good fucking time. You guys think we should have a Mexican drum up right now? All right.

The people have spoken. Let's give it a shot. His father killed himself. He's a chef. He's multi-talented. The guy can freestyle rap. He can Little Orphan Annie. He's got everything in between.

Let's find out, shall we, the drum stylings. Now, let me remind you, Dylan. You know this show pretty well, don't you? Let me remind you that if you happen to have a better drum solo, according to the audience, then Joel Berg, then you, will not be working in the kitchen this weekend because you will be the new drummer for the Kill Tony band. We will take you back to Los Angeles.

We're going to take you back to LA In all expenses paid trip You're going to be staying in a hotel room With Jeremiah for the rest of the weekend If you win And we're going to have to teach Joel How to work in a kitchen Which I don't think that's going to be that hard

And here we go Giving it a shot For the throne. It's a Mexican drum-off, and this is Dylan Dowdle. Wow! Dylan Dowdle. All right, step on back up here, because it is about that time that I reintroduce to you the reigning, defending, undefeated Mexican drum-off champion,

the one and only Joel Jimenez. Yeah, look out, get that way. Come off champion. The one and only Joel Jimenez. Yeah, look out. Get that way. Wow, he's got so many before his face. He's got Star Wars underwear on. And a tube sock hanging out of the side. Wow. Joel, are you ready to do this shit?

Fuck this guy dude Here he is defending the throne Joel Burke Wow Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Yep. I don't know.

This has definitely been a Mexican drum off. How many of you have Dylan winning that one? How many of you have Joelberg winning that one? There we go. Well, Dylan, looks like you might be following in your father's footsteps here. Now, I'll tell you what, though, Dylan, for only six times on stage, I love the stuff that you're talking about. You know, you just got to do it more, get out there more, work it out,

trim it up, and great stuff here today. Great time. Thank you so much, guys. Thank you so much. Yeah, come back again next time. Dylan Dowdle, ladies and gentlemen. He drove six hours to be here today. Come on.

Tony. Yes. Can I just say, when these guys challenge me, I change their bum lives. They come out, they call their wives, they go, baby, we made it. We did it. Joel Berg challenged us. Honey, get the red panties.

It's red panty night. Has your hairline gone back since the start of tonight's show? So rock and do. It's definitely something. I love that now you have to wear underwear for the drum-offs,

thanks to our friends over at YouTube. So now if you want to see Joel's pubes, you have to look on top of his head tonight. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Charlie Doch. Charlie Doch, or Doch. Doch. Wow, here comes Charlie, everyone. Ouch. Gosh. Wow.

Here comes Charlie, everyone. He looks like a Charlie. Come on, Charlie. Get it, buddy. What's up, LA? How are we all doing tonight? So I went down to a bachelor party in New Orleans a little while ago, and who here's Ben and Noah?

Nobody. Oh, all right, a couple people. So, you know, it's like there's a couple things you got to do. Like you got to get some beignets at Cafe Du Monde. You got to, yeah, they're delicious, right? And then you got to get a hurricane, and then you also have to walk out of Larry Flynn's Hustler Club at about four in the morning while you're drunk as shit, hop into an unidentified cab and get abducted and make to sell crack for the rest of the night.

It's a good time. So when you're doing that, when you're coming out of your blackout, the minute you know you're fucked, like really, really fucked, is when your cab driver turns around to you and he's like, hey, man, I'm going to need you to do a favor for me. That's when you're like, fuck. Go ahead, finish it. I want to see if this goes anywhere at all. Where this goes is I get handled a little baggy. And the problem is, you know, in New Orleans there's shotgun houses. And he's like, go up into that house.

And I'm like, right door, left door. That's when he just, like, pulled me back in. He was like, no, no more for you, son. And then he kept me for the rest of the night, and I had to buy him a bunch of shit. All right. He asked me to keep going. Yeah, but you didn't go anywhere.

I love it, yeah. We didn't think you were just going to keep going until we stopped you. We wanted to hear maybe the end of the joke or something. Welcome to the show. How you doing? Nice to meet you, Charlie. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is literally first time ever.

First time ever on stage. Very good. Let me tell you what the people want from you. You want to know what the people want from you? Hit me up. First of all, they want you to take that goddamn hat off. I can tell right now. Look at this guy. He's a real fucking

redhead. Look at this fucking contrast He's a real fucking redhead. Look at this fucking contrast. I'm not Irish, though. Fuck St. Paddy's Day. That is my least favorite day on the planet. There's nothing America loves more than a chubby guy with red hair. You look like Louis C.K. before he learned how to jerk off. Oh, dude, I'm gay, though.

Fuck that. He looks like if you feed Ed Sheeran after midnight. It's true. Baby, baby. He looks like the problem child if his problem was that he ate too much. We went from little orphan Annie to little orphan angioplasty. These are fat redhead jokes, if you're wondering. And that was sort of my point Is that you know

You could talk about What you look like And how like You don't get laid and stuff Oh dude I got Grindr You get a lot of pussy That's not a problem

Do you What's your name No pussy is not I've got Grindr bro Are you gay Yeah Are you really gay That's not a problem

Are you really That's easy Charlie stick with me here Cause the Grindr joke Wasn't working So I'm just trying to figure out Are you really gay? That's not a problem. Are you really? That's easy. Charlie, stick with me here. Because the grinder joke wasn't working. So I'm just trying to figure out, are you really gay? Like, that's something some normal says up here. Yeah, absolutely. So you are gay?

Yeah. Okay, what type of gay? You are the chillest gay dude I've ever met. I love that you think that you're so gay that we just know that you're gay. Whoa. I love that you think that you're so gay It's your fault, coach Wow Somebody went to Kansas City Hold on a second Hold on a second What the darnation do you mean by that?

You remember that time? Refresh my memory You know that time Refresh Tell him what he did to you. Coach Sandusky, come on. My name is Coach Roy Robeson. I have worked at Johnson County Community College for eight consecutive years.

Okay? That is 32 quarters. I've never touched anybody. Yes, I have been tempted. But no, I have never touched anybody Yes I have been tempted But no I've never done it So Charlie you really are And you will not be getting a full ride scholarship Alright coach

So Charlie tell us What does your dream guy look like Like what type of guys are you into You like them bigger, smaller, black, white? Soccer players. Soccer players? Is that just a fact? Really? Are you still trying to be funny? I can't tell when you're trying to be funny and when you're being serious.

Get on the field! My god. I can't believe you like to get handsy with soccer players. That's so against their... So, Charlie, has it always been the way? You ever been with a woman before? Oh, yeah.

It was... I went to Bama, so, like, you have to. You went to Bama? You have to for a while until you get, like... How long were you in Alabama for? Five years. What age was that? 19 to 24.

And you had to pretend like you were into chicks? For a little bit. So what's that like? You got to earn respect. What's it like being a gay guy in Alabama trying to pretend like you like chicks? Can you give us an example of a time? You go to New Orleans and get abducted by crack dealers a lot. Let's not go back to that.

Let's pretend like that never happened. Let's pretend like you never talked about that on stage. I can pull up police reports. They're fun. I'm not saying you lied. I'm saying it was a pretty boring unput-together story. It's a better premise than it is a story.

Alright. What was it like hooking up with women in Alabama even though you're gay? What's that? I mean, I just can't even imagine. I mean, you go upstairs to that, and then you come back out, and you're just like. Wow. But then just like.

There's glimpses. Guild takes over, and then guild takes over. Jeremiah. And then you're just like, oh, no. Yes, Roy Robeson. Oh, no. Yeah. So how many women.

Coach, coach, coach, this is terrifying for me still. How many women have you actually been with? Oh, God. Is meth called gay out here, by the way? Is that just a local term? Charlie answers. Six. Is that true?

Six women. Is that a real number? Through high school and college, yeah. Through high school and college. That is more women than I have been with. Yeah, that's true. How about... I'm aware, coach.

Charlie, stick with me. How about men? If you had to guess how many men you've been with? Let's not get there. I can smell your dick from here, so it's probably a lot. No, I'm kidding. How about a ballpark of men that you've been with? My mom might want you dead.

She already knows you're gay, dude. Your mom's not going to read about this. There's no Kill Tony report. We can barely even get the podcast out at a decent time. No one's writing books about it. Yeah. What is your number and then how many rebounds?

A triple-double coach. Charlie, stick with me over here. I do not like our chemistry. Yeah, it's really bizarre. You landed a one big line because of what you did to me and then you've been chasing that dragon ever since, Charlie. Plus or minus five if you had to give a ballpark?

Plus. No, that's not even... I guess that is what I asked. All right. So in a ballpark, give or take five if you had to guess how many men you've been with. All right, like five grand slams. Five grand slams.

What the fuck does that mean? That is 20. That is 20 men. Wow. Five grand slams. Oh, okay, because it's four runs. All right. I thought he was just fucking dudes named Denny

or something like that. I don't know what the fuck's going on here. Wow. What do you do for work, Charlie? I'm a graphic designer, photographer, marketing idiot. Marketing idiot. Convincing people that their SEO is bad and that I can improve it. All right.

Yep. Laugh again. Y'all are... I know a bunch of people in here do this. Come on. What the fuck is happening right now? These people, it's an interesting

bucket of destiny so far. Wow. Man, Charlie, you are an interesting guy. I feel like there's something. No, he's not. No, he is. Thank you, Carla. Are you stoned? Are you stoned? Are you stoned right now?

Carla. I can't really get clear answers out of you, Charlie. I don't know. I think we're not really connecting. Did you eat an edible before this? No. No? Did you have Shake Shack before this?

That's more likely. All right, we're going to keep moving along. There goes Charlie Dosh, everyone. Charlie Dosh. The Dosh Vader. Dylan Dowdle is on Instagram. A character, non-color, all one word. All right, make some noise for your next comedian, Mike Gunkel.

How about that? Mike Gunkel. There he is. He's standing up. Threw a peace sign up. Anything can happen. You never know when the craziest moment in Kill Tony's history is right around the corner. Could be right now.

One more time for Mike Gunkel, everyone. Hello, Philadelphia. So, how many of us out there are thinking of splicing things up in the bedroom? Don't do it. It's a trick. It's code for fuck you in the ass. Okay? I even tried titty sex. Okay? And you know what happened?

She rug burned my chest until it felt like my nipple was about to pull off. I am missionary for life. Okay? So I was in the bathroom before I got here and and I was like stirring up my pudding, right? And then next thing I realized, I had splashed some out, so I just... It wasn't pudding. On the good side, I realized I'm indecisive. Yes, I'm not even sure what that is, but when I searched up eating poop, it came up on my internet. Okay, so other than that, I'm sorry. Eating poop? It came up on my internet. Okay. So other than that, I'm sorry.

Are there any ladies that are into Shizer? Hold on. Hold on. Are there any ladies that are into what? I didn't catch that. Shizer? I think that's how it's said. It's a German word.

I'm not. All right. There he goes. Mike Gunkel. He doesn't even know what his own punchlines are. Scheisser? I don't know. What do you think, Tony?

What should it be? Wow. Mike, you are an imposing force on stage. I've always wondered what it would be like if Adam Levine made all the wrong choices in his life. Thank you. Or if Jeremiah Watkins wasn't funny. That is... We gotta get a picture of you two together after this show. That really is what Jeremiah looks

like. You're like a Venom version of Jeremiah. Just brunette. You guys both have that same fucking beak. It's like if Jeremiah wasn't in Hufflepuff, he joined Slytherin. Hell

yeah, dude. So Mike, what's going on, man? First time doing stand-up? Yes, first time. Wow. How about a hand for Mike? Giving it. Doing it.

You really eat pudding in bed? What? You really eat pudding in bed, or you just thought that was funny? I was on the bathroom. I was using the bathroom and mixing pudding. Why were you doing that? That's what I do. So you were going to the bathroom? Yeah, I was using the toilet and mixing pudding. Why were you doing that? That's what I do. So you were going to the bathroom? Yeah, I was using the toilet and mixing my pudding.

You were going pee? Yeah. Stirring pudding. Yeah, right up. Stirring pudding is a two-hand job. Well, no, you pee. I don't have to hold it while I'm peeing. You just let it go?

You just aim the dick right over the toilet and just fucking stir my pudding. Yeah, stir my pudding. Nothing else to do here. Just stir pudding while piss is flowing out of my dick. You don't sit down and pee and stir your pudding? I've never considered that. Wow, not even an option to you.

Meanwhile, standing there letting your dick just do all the hard work is the only real option. What kind of pudding? It was sugar-free, Albie's brand. Are you watching her weight? Is that why you got the sugar-free?

No, no, no, no. It has nothing to do with that. Huh. Just happened to be what was there. Wow. Mike, tell, yep. I was going to ask how long he's been

an amateur rollerblader for. Do you own a pair of rollerblades? I've never used rollerblades before. How about a skateboard? Do you own a pair of rollerblades? I've never used rollerblades before. How about a skateboard? Do you have a skateboard? No. No? What's the hippest thing about you?

What are you into? What's your wildest form of transportation? Do you ever parasail? No, no. I've had maybe five or six cars, but nothing special. Whoa, five or six cars.

What's the fanciest? Do they have CD players in them? I did have an 8-track player in one, actually. But, you know, I've never had a nice vehicle. Oh. You ever taken a hot air balloon anywhere? Nope. What?

Really? Man. Mike, what do you do for work? Drive for Lyft. Oh, hell yeah. You're one of the only drivers that uses a hot air balloon. Not many people know that. How long have you been driving for Lyft. Oh, hell yeah. You're one of the only drivers that uses a hot air balloon. Not many people know that. How long have you been driving for Lyft for?

About a month and a half. A month and a half. What did you do before that? I was an optomechanical technician. Optomechanical technician. What does that mean? You look at people's assholes or something like that? I build optical things that lasers shoot through

and stuff like that. Nothing you'd use. It's stuff that goes into something else, usually. Like what? What do you mean? Like for laser eye surgery. I build some of the parts that will go into the machine. So basically, as a coach, I have to put talent into

the people who I am teaching and then they go off to do better things. We do pretty similar jobs. Sure. Where'd it go wrong? You must have messed up pretty good to lose that job and have to try again. No, I like lifts better. I prefer to have my free time.

If my friends call me up, I can come out here. What do you like to do with your friends? Recently, I've been playing disc golf. Oh. A lot of people like that. Disc golf has a bad reputation, but it's one of my favorite sports.

It's a little fun fact. Yeah, Columbus, Ohio was one of the first places to do it. The first ever disc golf course is not far from us in Pasadena, California. Okay. Who the fuck said that? It sounded like a goat.

Oh, my God. Look how angry this fucking guy is. Douchebag on the field. I can't believe I just got gay by a 5'1 Tate Fletcher sitting in the middle of this fucking crowd. Look how short you are. I guess you're a little bit taller than 5'1.

No, no, no, no, no. We're not the same height. Sit the fuck down. He was rubbing my back when I was sitting there and said, sorry, I didn't mean to rub your back. I was very uncomfortable. Yeah, that dude. Is that really true?

Yes. Who would have guessed that the guy that called me gay was a socially awkward asshole? Of course. Mike. So let's talk about it. What else about you, Mike? Anything crazy ever happen in the back of your lift?

No, but recently, I guess a couple months ago, I had homeless people stay at my house. Yeah, how'd that happen? Wow. Oh, well, I ran into them. They were kind of just walking down the street, and one of them had burned their feet off or something undescribable. But they were kicked out of a homeless shelter, so I figured I'd let them stay at my house a couple days. That's such a bad idea.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was terrible. They fought each other. Oh, it was awesome, but it was terrible. So they told you about their feet. Did you ever check the feet? Yeah, the feet were bad. It was really bad.

Oh, yeah. Okay. It was terrible. Truly, Mike, what was going through your head when you decided that today was going to be the day you were a good Samaritan to these people? I've been homeless for a short amount of time in the past, and if it wasn't for people picking me up, I would not be in a good place.

Wow. Look at that. Look at that. The guy's like, gay! Gay! I, too, spent some time I too spent some time months one summer

sleeping in my car working shifts at the comedy store and I didn't have a place to go and some people helped me too and I would never in a million years allow homeless people with burnt off feet to stay at my place in a million years if I lived for a million years and they're like stay at my place in a million years.

If I lived for a million years and they're like, you get to live for a million years no matter what. I'd be like, all right, just no homeless people with burnt off feet.

And we're good. I'll do it. But look at you. You did it. So what was left? Was there any evidence left in your place after these? No.

I was trying to drive one of them to the hospital because of the feet and the other one, I don't know. And they're like, no, I won't let you drive me. You're going to charge me. You're a Lyft driver. That was basically it. And then they just started fist fighting and then it was like... In your place? No, in front of my house.

Perfect. Yeah, and then the cops just came and took them away. Bumfights! That was it. Yeah. Are they like vampires where you have to welcome them in and then they're not homeless whenever they come inside your door? Yeah. Just can't keep them for more than 30 days. Okay.

You are by far one of the funniest vampires we've ever had on this show, Mike. It was a pleasure to have you up here. We're going to keep moving along. It's the very first time. Thank you. Mike Gunkel, everyone. Mike Gunkel. We're doing it. We're getting through it.

How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you sort of like it where it's at? You like people doing bad on this show? It's a little bit closer than usual. Alright. Make some noise for your next comedian. John Papa

Wave or Ave Pepe John Papa. If it starts with P-E-P-A, it's you. Come on, let's do it. I feel like this is the one right here. I like this guy's energy already. Feels good in here. Y'all ready for this?

One more time for John, everybody. Hi. Hi. So when I was 19 years old, my mother asked me if I was gay. That's a true story. I was a little disappointed. I said, no, Mom, I just don't get laid ever. And it's true. I actually didn't lose my virginity. I'm 36.

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 23 years old. Yeah, wow, right? Yeah, I did get it. And I got it in virginity until I was 23 years old. Yeah, wow, right? Yeah, I did get it, and I got it in a lot after that. Don't worry. I do have a fiancé now, so I'm much more calm than I used to be. So when I lost my virginity, it was actually in the top bunk of a dorm room at Stockton College.

I don't know if anybody's from South Jersey. Yeah, it was awful. It was so bad. I literally had sex in the top bunk of a dorm room bed. And I had never had sex in my life before. And maybe three minutes, not even, like a minute into it, I didn't cum. I'm done. Go ahead.

No, finish. You're finishing this. So, so, literally, she started, she was riding me, and then she stopped and started crying and started talking about how we are both

going to go to hell. And then she gave me the worst blowjob I've ever had in my life. Wow. That's a true story. That's a true story. Hi. Hello.

I like you, man. What's your last name, John? De Pasquale. I have terrible handwriting. John De Pasquale? De Pasquale. De Pasquale if you want to be really Italian about it. That's okay.

Yeah, perfect. So, John, first time doing stand-up? Of course. Fucking awesome. How about that? Another first-timer. John, I think you have a long career ahead of you since you look like someone put Rogan, Burt, and Tom Segura in a blender

together. I'll take it. I really like this guy, so I gotta get this out of the way. You are one of the funniest big toes we've ever had on the show. It is incredible. I do believe you're the third member of the band as far

as guys that look like high school coaches. You do any coaching, Don? What do you do for work? I am a wedding photographer if anybody's getting married I'm going to ask you the same thing your mom asked you when you were 19 Are you sure? Yeah I'm sure

How long have you been engaged for? Since October You popped the question Did you do it some way fancy? No it was actually super nonchalant Yeah like how? We went out for our one-year anniversary, and then after we got back to our house,

I literally went upstairs and grabbed the ring and came back down and popped the question at our kitchen table. It was so romantic. I'm your fiancé. You're coming down the stairs and go. Show us how you did it. So she actually asked me what I was doing upstairs. What are you doing upstairs?

Yeah, perfect. And I said, I was thinking about you. No, no. I was thinking about you, actually. What were you doing upstairs? I was thinking about you. Oh. Wait, what?

I was thinking about you. And then she said, you weren't thinking about me. You weren't thinking about me. And then I said, yes weren't thinking about me. You weren't thinking about me. Exactly. And then I said, yes I was. Will you please marry me? Something like that. Hey. Wow.

Did she cry or anything? Yes, we both cried. I'm a very emotional person. Oh, you cried too? Here you go. Hit it again. There you go. Wow. I cry a lot actually. Go at it again. There you go. Wow. I cry a lot, actually. It's kind of embarrassing. My goodness.

I'm a wedding photographer. I'm very emotional. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Yeah, exactly. That's pretty much it. So you're a wedding photographer. Who's going to take the pictures at your wedding? Are you going to take a line from the guy's dad from earlier and shoot yourself?

No. Hey. One of my good, very talented friends, Eric Tallarico, is going to be shooting my wedding. Oh, another shout-out. Shout-out to Eric. He's really talented. He's my friend.

Craziest thing you've ever seen at a wedding? Bar fights, drunk people fighting. Who usually fights at those things? Brother-in-laws and shit? Yeah, just family members. You know, a lot of family drama at weddings. Because they drink and then the drama comes out. People drink and people start talking smack and then people fight.

I've literally seen like a brawl at a wedding. That was like the most embarrassing thing. And that happens here in Philly a lot? It was in South Jersey. Woodcrest Crudgy Club. Yeah, what's up? Whoa, Jesus. All right, John, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for calling you gay so many times. I got a question. Yeah, sure. How has your life changed since discovering the cash-me-outside girl? Is that what her manager looks like? He looks like Dr. Phil. Oh, you think that's what Dr. Phil looks like?

But spelled F-I-L-L. I'm sorry, Dr. Fool. All right. John, what do you do for fun when you're not taking wedding pictures? I do jujitsu. Really? Wow. I know I don't look like it, but I do. Good God.

Balls in my face. Yep, all done. My goodness. What level belt are you? I'm a purple belt. Other than extra large. Yeah, 40 waist, purple belt. Purple belt.

Look at you. I've been training for like seven years. God damn. Have you ever rolled with a guy that got hard before? Never, no. Never. Yeah. Calm yourself.

No, that doesn't happen. Yeah. No, it doesn't. Ask Eddie Bravo. No. No, that doesn't happen. Yeah. No, it doesn't. Ask Eddie Bravo. No. No, I'm not going to ask Eddie Bravo. Where do you train? You want to give a shout-out to your gym?

I actually just moved to Bridgeport, Pennsylvania. Shout-out to Precision Jiu-Jitsu. Wow, look at that. But I did train at South Jersey Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu in Berlin. So if anybody wants to train, go there. It's awesome. Jeez Louise. What do you eat?

Everything. Cheese steaks and pizza. Really? Is that true? Yeah, go there. It's awesome. Jeez Louise, what do you eat? Everything. Cheese steaks. Really? Is that true? Yeah, I eat like shit, basically. You pretty much just eat whatever you want? Yeah, pretty much. Could you, you know, as a fellow coach, you know, I teach a lot of players things. Could you teach me a jujitsu move? Absolutely.

Yeah, show us something. Why don't you teach Coach Robeson a little bit of something there? Heck yeah. You got it. Let's see what happens here. Can we say what if he tried to attack you in slow motion? Can you show us what you would do? Try to attack me in slow motion. Whoa.

Whoa. Wow. Damn. That was awesome. Damn. That was awesome. Yeah. John's got that low, low center of gravity. That's a fucking hip toss. Coach Robison's hair didn't even move an inch.

I would like to offer you a full-time position at Johnson County Community College. I don't want to move to Kansas. I'm sorry. Wow. Can I just say, for a moment, I was not in control of the situation at all.

And I am a little, as the people say, shook right now. I love it, man. Do you have any other moves you want to do? I've been doing jiu-jitsu for a long time, so I know a couple things. I'll bet you if you started by choking him, he'd probably... My guess is that he would survive it and flip it around on you somehow. But I don't want to – we should probably – You want to choke me there, Maya?

No. It's okay. Don't choke me. It's so adorable. It's so adorable. Can I just say I have never been attracted to another man before. Man, Coach Robison clearly has never in his life thought about choking another man. I don't know if you guys saw that rear naked that he had on you, but the double elbows, I liked it, man. Very unorthodox.

Okay, I guess nobody really had the angle on it that I had. Alright. Well, John, I'll tell you this. First time ever on stage. By far my favorite interview portion of the night and probably one of the best sets of the night

too. Congratulations. We're going to keep it moving along. There he goes. John DePasquale, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. There he goes. Fuck yeah. Come on, guys. He's newly engaged. He's from Philly.

It's all happening out here. I thought for sure he was going to take down this table. Yeah, I felt like the Mexican announce table at a WWE event. I'm like, oh wow, this is was going to take down this table. Yeah, I felt like the Mexican announce table at a WWE event. I'm like, oh wow, this is just going to completely be flattened by the end of this.

Alright, let's see what happens with this guy, Mark Sosnoski. Mark Sosnoski. Oh wow, here he is. Wow. Throws the hat for some reason. Taking that microphone. Wow. He throws the hat for some reason. Taking that microphone.

Wow. No, stop. He didn't know that it was Jeremiah's mic. It doesn't matter. One more time, good and loud, with a positive energy for Mark Sosnoski, everyone. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Dreams do come true. I can't tell you what it's like to be getting the name pulled up here. I'm from Pennsylvania, everybody. It's such a pleasure to have Kill Tony here in Philadelphia tonight. My guys, you can tell I have a man bun, which automatically assumes I'm a musician and I work at a microbrewery and make no money whatsoever. It's okay. Don't worry about it. It's really a pleasure to be here.

One of the moments I've noticed about growing up and being a millennial in my age, I'm only 32, but I noticed that, yeah, right, right, right, right. But still, still, when I was a kid, I used to pirate pay-per-view all the time for my parents. I used to be really good with the computers and everything. And I just don't get what it is with people these days. I can't keep up with the younger generation. Everything about it is just confusing to me. I mean, I look at nowadays, I can't buy socks that don't cover my ankles.

And, like, I can't think, how am I going to jack off into that for more than one night? Fuck yeah, Mark Sosnowski. All right. We've always wondered what it would be like if Gollum and Eric Clapton made a baby. And we finally have an answer to that. Oh, yeah. It's one of Eric Clapton's most famous songs, Two Princes.

Well, what's the difference between Eric Clapton and a bag of cocaine? I don't want you to finish this joke. No, I don't know. What is it? Clapton didn't let a bag of cocaine fall off a floor flight of stairs. There you go. I don't know. What is it? Clapton didn't let a bag of cocaine fall off a floor flat of stairs. There you go. I don't think you told it right. What's the

difference between a son and a bag of cocaine? That's it. There you go. Yeah. All right. Mark, are you really 32? How are you 32? What have you been doing? Going around telling street jokes like that Eric Clapton one for the last... Yeah, just hitting potholes, Everything like that as things go

What happened man? What's going on with you? Does everyone in your family look much older than they are? Rough roads It's not the mileage It's the highway If you think I look bad you should see my grandpa What's going on Mark?

What do you do for work? I'm a musician and I work What do you do musically? I'm a bass player and a trumpet player. Bass player and a trumpet... Can you mimic with your mouth what you would sound like playing the trumpet? Bounce, chicka, wow, wow.

Alright, exactly. This is a special, very special... Confusion. Like a special Olympic episode of Kill Tony that we're having here this evening. Make-a-wish. So, Mark, you're able to support yourself just off of your musical abilities. Are you in a band?

At one time I was, yeah. Yeah, what was the name of that band? I was in a band called... I was in two bands from Philly. I was in a band called Marah and a band called American Babies. And we used to play out of Philly and do some touring and everything. Is that an American Babies fan I just heard back there? There was one guy that just moaned.

Moaned like he was getting a chemo drip back there. Is that a real American Babies fan? Can you give us a line from a famous American Babies song? Maybe these people would recognize you. Oh, God, we weren't famous whatsoever. Yeah, that's sort of the point. Yeah, exactly. It's a comedy.

No, we used to tour, and we opened up for a few bands in Philly and did some things. Yeah, who'd you open up for? Someone that these guys might recognize? Lotus, Disco Biscuits. I actually got to open for Bob Weir one time from the Grateful Dead. Oh, that's cool. Had some fun. What'd you do for fun? biscuits. I actually got to open for Bob Weir one time from the Grateful Dead. Had some fun. Actually, the last time I was in LA,

I got to go to the comedy store and did some kayaking around Malibu and then got to go to the comedy shop and saw I've never even been kayaking in Malibu. Where at? In the ocean? Just like, dude, literally we went kayaking and I was like, I need to find a yacht with a helicopter on it until we call this a day and we just smoked a few joints and went kayaking and I was like, I need to find a yacht with a helicopter on it until we called us a day and we just smoked a few joints

and went kayaking around. Where the fuck did you kayak at in Malibu? In the ocean? No, it was around the sidewalk. Those little houses that are like bodegas where you get in a little yacht and just go around. Yeah, like inlets kind of thing.

I love Joel's the only one of us that thought that it was normal to kayak in the ocean. That might be the most Mexican thing I've ever heard of. Yeah, no, that was mind-blowing to me. If I have to put 30 cents or 50 cents to the meter and get more than like an hour and a half, I'm like ritzy. So like being out in that kind of neck of the woods and seeing

you guys do everything, I saw a few comedians out there. It was really inspiring. Mark, are you a doomsday prepper? I'm working on my hollow point collection. Do you think the earth is flat? What's the biggest conspiracy that you think is true?

You don't really think the earth is flat, right? No. God, no. What's one that you believe in? Conspiracy theory-wise? Oh, gosh. That the fact that you need to go to college these days in order to have a future? That'd be a good conspiracy.

Go do what you want to do. Don't let... You do need to go to college. It is very important. The time you spend in college will shape the rest of your life. So conspiracies really aren't your thing, Mark. But tell us, what is something weird and sort of neurotic about you? Because you have the look like your apartment would be shaped like this.

Oh, I know. I shouldn't be allowed around high schools or anything like that. That's okay. That's OK. That's OK. Oh, man. Based off of your looks, you responded to one thing just so that people don't think you're an actual pedophile. Right. That it'd be good. It'd be a good move. Right. I have no idea what I'm actually going to face the audience for this. This guy's like Mark Moron. I don't know. I'm actually going to face the audience for this portion of the show. This guy's like Mark Moron. I don't know.

I guess if you could really rock a skullet. All right. Just rock a skullet if you can. Bald in the front, pony in the back. I don't know what's going on, Mark. Thanks, guys. Is somebody injecting the contestants with poison on this show? It's called alcohol.

They're all drinking it. Would you know my name if I bombed on Kill Tony? Mark, I thought you did wonderful tonight. That's another Eric Clapton joke. There he goes. Mark Sosnos Clapton joke. There he goes. Mark Sosnowski, everyone. I guess so. Let's see what happens here.

Okay. Make some noise for your next comedian. We're going to fly through this one. Chad Assorastic. Assoristic. Fucking horrible handwriting on all of you, by the way, tonight. Really, really piss poor. Chad Assoristic.

Assoristic. You have those lights, guys? Lights? Blacklisted. Yeah, sure. He's blacklisted. Yeah, sure, he's blacklisted. Where the fuck's the house lights, guys? How are we bombing this thing? Is that Chad?

Chad, is that you? No. It's like Lex Luthor on a mission. Don't know where the sound guy went. We had an agreement. Put your hands together for Brian Durkin, everyone. There he is. Brian Durkin.

Here he comes. I like the name of the Durkin. He looks like your manager. Wow. Doesn't he? Yeah, he he does Come on One more time Good and loud

For Brian Durkin Alright Sorry I gotta catch my breath I once had a boss Say to me Hey Brian You look like you could be A trans person.

To which I responded, next time Willow, can you mute the conference call? Thanks. I had a Christian friend of mine describe the death of his grandfather as he graduated to heaven. Well, my grandfather beat cancer twice, so I guess he got held back. It's all right, though. He did eventually graduate, so...

It's not that big of a deal. It's just a certificate program, so it's all good. not that big of a deal. It's just a certificate program, so it's all good. I just read that North Korea actually has a new liquor that's hangover free. Yeah, if you drink this, you won't wake up with a hangover. You do wake up in North Korea, so that's not good. Brian Durkin. Hell yeah. Brian, welcome. Thank you. You've done stand-up a little while, right? I have, yes, yes.

Yeah, how long? Like a few years. Oh, awesome. All here in Philly? Yes, yes. That's great. You get to do spots here at Helium a lot? Not that much, but like once a month, maybe.

Heck yeah, I like the way your bracelet jiggles. Yeah, it's real awful for podcasting. So Brian, tell us more about you and your life. I do things. Now I used to work as a digital marketer but I'm quitting my job tomorrow actually. Wow, look at that. Yeah.

Quitting another job, man. That's incredible. I remember when you went from T-Mobile to Sprint like it was nothing. Wow, look at that. Quitting another job, man. That's incredible. I remember when you went from T-Mobile to Sprint. There was nothing. I remember those dark days at Subway, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I forget about those. I remember when he was on that TV show,

Queer Eye for the Tech Guy. Sure, I get faux DeRosa a lot. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. That was my next joke. the tech guy. It's true. I get faux DeRosa a lot. Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. That was my next joke. There is something... You're like Joe DeRosa if he had my arms. Yeah.

Yeah. What do you do for... Well, I guess we have that answer. You and love? You have a boyfriend or girlfriend? Girlfriend. How long have you been with her? Three years.

Four years. Where'd you meet her at? Met her at like a networking night thing. Really? Yeah, yeah. What kind of networking thing? Tell me more. I want to know what fucking dorks do at night.

I want to know what people that need help making fucking friends do at night. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, I was looking for a job at the time. She was looking for new gigs too she's a graphic designer and uh yeah it was funny because i went yeah looking for a job and i was trying to read how to like be good at networking night and it was like the number one thing you should do is not pick up people and that's all i left with was a number yeah hell yeah but it worked out we've you know i'm actually quitting my job because I'm moving to LA because she lives in LA now.

Whoa! Yeah. Look at that. Yeah, yeah. This might not be your only time on Kill Tony. I know. It's a science.

It's kind of a preview. So she works in the tech world out there? She is a graphic designer. She works for a natural gas company. So real sexy. Damn.

Yeah. She works for Brian's butt? Yeah. What? Natural. Okay, there's that fart noise. On to the next one. Next board.

Okay, Brian. There we go. Only you think that shit's brilliant. Oh, man. That was my favorite part of the show. Brian Durkin, how long has your girlfriend been in Los Angeles? How long have you been here all alone? I know she definitely wasn't here today because you dressed yourself like that.

Correct, yes. It's frightening. A V-neck T-shirt underneath a V-neck cardigan. Two V's. V's on V's. As in fucking vaginal valve. He looks like every Pokemon stage of Tony Hinchcliffe. I guess so, yes.

I don't know Pokemon references because I'm a fucking winner, so I don't really get that one. But yes. So, Durkin, tell us more about you. What are your big plans when you come to LA? Anything exciting that you're looking forward to? Yeah, do more stand-up to keep growing my podcast.

Do you have a job in LA? No, I have like one freelance gig for a few hours a week, but we'll be looking for another job for sure. What's your podcast about? It's like a dinner party meets board game night. Whoa, that reminds me of a networking night I once had. You afraid that your girlfriend may have cheated on you

while she's been out in Los Angeles? No, I don't think so. She's like a good Christian girl. Really? Yeah, yeah. Wow, what's the craziest thing you guys have done together in the bedroom? Kiss is good. No, a few years ago we did some pegging.

Some what? Pegging. Pegging? Yeah, pegging. What is that exactly? That's where the girl gives the guy like a strap attack. Wait, what? What's a strap attack?

This is crazy. I'm going further down a rabbit hole Which I feel like is the next thing you're gonna say that you did The woman fucks the guy in the ass With a dildo Really? You got fucked in the ass? You're gay as hell by the way No, no, no, wait, Tony You're gayer than any West Hollywood

In his defense, it's still Christian Jesus did get nailed Yeah, it's still Christian. Jesus did get nailed. Yeah, that's true. That's true. Nothing better than a good old Christian pay game. Yeah. Is it true that you came again three days after that for some reason?

Very true. But no, we tabled that. some reason. Very true. But now we tabled that. We're now saving it. I love, by the way, like what a quick, that's Christianity for you, right? Like what a big misdirect. Like, no, my wife would never cheat on me.

She's actually quite Christian. What's the craziest thing you know? She fucked me in the ass with a dildo. Full blown strap on. Me on all fours. Her just being the man. Jesus Christ. You like that, huh? Yeah, yeah.

Have you ever had gay sex before? No. How big was this dildo that was in your butt? Not that big. Not that big, no. Really? They make little dildos? They make average-sized penis dildos? Yeah, there's levels to it, I guess. Tony would like to know, how deep is your butt?

How deep is your butt? How deep is... Wow. What did you just say? Nothing. You know, I've been to a lot of massage parlors. They try to always do the finger and the butt. We've heard you before.

Every episode of everything you've ever done before in your life. We know you've been to a massage parlor. Have you guys, I don't know if you've done this, but you've been in the shower at least once, and you're like, all right, I'm going to see if I like this. And you get it soapy, and you're just like, it's not for me. Soap is not supposed to go up there, first of all. That's Brian talking about cleaning his butthole for the first time ever. Oh, this is not for me, you know. Soap is not supposed to go up there, first of all. That's Brian talking about cleaning his butthole for the first time ever.

Oh, this is not for me. That's not for me. I like a little crunchy. Me and soap do not get along. All right. Well, Brian Durkin, so much fun. So nice to meet you. Great stuff, man.

Thank you. Come sign up for Kill Tony yeah I'll be there when do you move? I move on the 1st I'll be there the 4th I'm taking the train alright well we'll see you then

we'll see you the first week of April in Los Angeles Philly Zone Brian Durkin ladies and gentlemen How many of you have tickets to the second show tonight, huh? Yeah, I think we definitely have to. What do you guys think? Back to the bucket one last time, huh? We just have to. It's you guys think? Back to the bucket one last time, huh? We just have to.

It's up to the bucket of destiny. One last one, though. We are going over our heart. We're going to make it fast. So 60 seconds goes to your final comedian of the night, Nick Beckish, everyone. Nick Beckish. Wow, here he comes.

Look at this. This looks like one of your students at Kansas City There he is, Nick Beckish, everyone What the fuck Your final comedian of the night One more time for Nick Beckish What's up I am Donald Trump's other autistic son.

Guys, it's not funny to laugh at Eric like that. It's World Down Syndrome Day, you guys. Did you know that? Did you know that? In honor of that, I got an Ancestry.com test. Turns out I have it, you guys. I'm one of them. So I'm single.

Looking for a lady, but now that I know I have downs, I'm kind of looking for a downsy lady. Because you know what happens if we have a baby you guys Like the double 21st What does that mean

That's a new type of human There's no punchline there That's all I got Tony One of the most frightening sets I've ever seen in the history of this show Pretty creepy how you look at me For all your punchlines. I don't think there was a punchline.

But Nick, you are a special guy. This is the first time we've ever had a full-size midget on this show. Very rarely do you see someone that is regular normal height, but with all midget features. And somehow you've done it. You are tearing it up up there on stage

tonight. This guy looks like Rudy if he never got put in. Yeah, that's a football coach reference. Yeah. Nick, this was your first time doing stand-up tonight? Yeah. Is it something that you've always wanted to do?

Since I started watching your show, I guess so, yeah. How old are you? I'm 22. 22. 22? That's a fucking magical age. And it's a good age, you know. There was a guy up here earlier that was 32 and looked like he was 75. And, you know, you already

sort of have like a man face for 22. Like you're pretty grown up, which is a good thing in stand-up comedy because people don't take kids that seriously. So that's good. And you're starting at just a perfect time. And we're out of time for this show. And I tried to squeeze one more person up here, and it was you.

But I want to tell you, 22 is the age that I just so happen to know for a fact many of my favorite comedians started at the age of 22. Me. And I'm positive that there were other comedians that started at 22. So, you know, don't look at tonight as a bad thing. Anything else for Nick, Coach Durkin?

Or, I mean, Coach Robson? He looks like Robert Pattinson from Twilight if he sucked protein drinks instead of blood. That's true. You have a fat head. There he goes. There goes Nick, everybody.

Philadelphia, this was only the first Kill Tony. There's two. We have to do another one. Right after this at 10.15. How many of you have tickets for the second Kill Tony tonight? Very exciting. Well, to the rest of you,

hopefully maybe we'll see you on Saturday or we'll see you when we make our return to Philly, which I'm sure is just a short, short time away. Thank you for being part of the history, the first ever episode of Kill Tony in Philadelphia. Pretty wacky lineup out of the bucket tonight, first ever episode of Kill Tony in Philadelphia. Pretty wacky lineup out of the bucket tonight, but we had fun. Make sure you get your Kill Tony

posters signed by us after the show. How about another hand for Jeremiah Watkins, everybody? Coach Roy Robinson. He's Jeremiah Watkins. He has a hit podcast called Jeremiah Wonders. He has CDs for sale after the show and Feminist Stacy. Feminist Stacy t-shirts are in the works right now.

That's right. And shout out to David Knowles and Seth Miller for hooking up with the saxophone. I'm excited to meet you guys. We got them a clean shout out earlier. How about one more time for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everyone. He's mostly sorry. He's got new Joel Berg stickers. We're all going to sign your Ryan J. Evel official

Philadelphia poster if you get one. We'll see you right outside of here. Thank you guys so much. Brian Redman everyone. See you guys. Good night. Thank you.気のまらないでねYou're a lonely road star さあ前を向いて行こう 星空 キラキラ コンペイ

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