KILL TONY - KILL TONY #334 - VENTURA

Episode Date: April 1, 2019

Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 03/28/2019 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, deathsquad.tv. There you can find every episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. You can click on tour dates. Not only do we do Kill Tony every Monday at the world famous comedy store, but we're all over the place. This Thursday, March 28th, we'll be in Ventura, California. And we're also coming up on St. Louis, West Nyack, New York, La Jolla, California, New York, Fort Worth, Texas, Sacramento, and San Francisco. All these dates are almost sold out.

We're adding new dates all the time. All these dates are almost sold out. We're adding new dates all the time. So your best bet is to go to DeathSquad.TV and click on Tour Dates and get your tickets before they're gone. Also, check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything you want, Golden Pony, including his own tour dates. So check out TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he draws every single episode, and you can check out all

his cool artwork and his books. He has the Kill Tony book and posters. It's great. Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, ShopSquad.tv. There you have the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe, and you have the

Kill Tony shirt. There's a few of them left. And hats and a bunch of stuff we got death squad mugs check it out shop squad dot tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Hong Kong Inn in Ventura, California. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Ventura, California, Hong Kong, and make some motherfucking noise! Wow!

Brian Redband is here. What is up, guys? I'm me, the captain of this airplane is in. You guys ready to have some fun tonight for our first time ever in Ventura, California at one of the coolest goddamn Chinese restaurants I've ever seen in my life. We've performed in theaters now all around the world. And here we are.

Somehow, somehow, you can sell out London, England. And three weeks later, you're at a Chinese restaurant in Ventura. Can't stop us. It's just like a Quentin Tarantino movie. It's true. It's crazy. We are a podcast of the people and this is our first time performing on the top left of the Grand Theft Auto map.

That's what this place is to me. I only fly helicopters here, people. But I made the drive to my, in my, what must be by now vandalized car. I'm excited about this, though. This is fun times, and I'm sure you guys heard about this show probably from listening

to this podcast, the number one live podcast in the world. And we are as live as it gets, including this Monday coming up with Louis J. Gomez and Dan Soder back at home at the Comedy Store in L.A. And then Thursday we go to St. Louis, Missouri, for our first ever Kill Tony there. The week after that, West Nyack, New York.

And then we go to La Jolla at the end of April. The first Kill Tony sold out. We added another one. And then, oh, yeah, I've mentioned on this podcast a couple times that I'm doing stand-up at the end of May in Seattle, beginning of June. But that date has moved because on Monday, I do believe, Red Band, that we will be announcing a tour that perhaps maybe Pink Floyd does as many

dates as we're about to announce on Monday. I mean, look, we're performing in Chinese restaurants. Let's just say we're not turning down very many gigs. This is about the time when my girlfriend's going to start cheating on me. I'll be gone for that long. No, for sure.

We're about to announce on Monday for all of you that are listening literally everywhere. You're going to be quite excited, but that's not going to stop us from landing in New York

City June 20th. And then, of course, it's out there. Kill Tony Mania. For those of you that have been there, you know what's happening. The return to San

Francisco in October. Also Sacramento. And here we are. You know? One of those times where you're just in Ventura, California. The sweet, sweet drive up the 101. What should be a smooth 40-minute trip for some reason takes two and a half hours. And, you know, one of the things that I love on a nice drive is some delicious coffee.

I prefer Caveman coffee. I go to the cavemanco.com website. I enter the promo code KILTONI, and I save 15% off coffee. How many of you like coffee out there, huh? You bet you do. Which reminds me, tonight's episode is brought to you by betdsi.com. Betdsi is over 20 years in the business. They've built a reputation on fast payment of winnings, and they have an easy-to-use

and fast-playing interface. You can bet games as they go. You can get live in-game wagering options throughout the tournament, make plays through the entire game or event, and you can bet on anything, sports, reality TV shows, anything. Right. Like March Madness is happening right now, and you made some picks when we were in Philadelphia. You made some picks for who you think would move on. I believe you went 100%.

I didn't check at all. But I believe you picked them all right. And you have some more picks. You have some teams in your bracket that are still alive. Yeah, these are my top teams. Yeah, your top five. Yeah. I'm Michigan because, you know, I'm a big Ohio State guy.

You know I always like to go against the grain. North Carolina, Kentucky, and Purdue is my picks. What about that one? Oh, Gonzaga? Yeah, Gonzaga. Yes, indeed. You can't even say it. You know what I put bets on is Game of Thrones.

Oh, shit. You can do that. It's in the entertainment department at betdsi.com. And you can bet on The Walking Dead. You can do things in the entertainment department at BetDSI.com. You can bet on The Walking Dead. You can bet on reality shows. You can bet on anything. Go to BetDSI.com and use the promo code KILL120

so they know we sent you. You can deposit, cash out, and get paid. Once again, that's BetDSI.com, promo code KILL120. Let's start the show, shall we? You guys want to do that? It's a real podcast, people, I know. You're like, why are they reading us an ad in this live Chinese restaurant? It just doesn't make sense. But there's a lot of people listening. Anything can happen here. And one of the cool things when we go on the road is we never bring a guest with us. In lieu of that, since you're so geographically blessed, we were able to bring the band here tonight.

And the real full band for the first time. Like, this is the full, full band. Yeah. So you guys probably know how this works. Every episode, they are different characters. You never know what they're going to be. You never know what they're going to be. I never know what they're going to be. They were behind a separate curtain in that back room

when they started getting ready for just a couple minutes before the show. And they try to stay in character throughout the whole show. Who knows what they're going to be tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land. It is the Kill Tony Band.

Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. The Kill Tony Band. What are they? Oh, wow. Oh, this looks like a new character, ladies and gentlemen. Whoa. Bartenders. Wow.

Chroma Chris is in the house. We got Jeremiah Watkins. Oh, my goodness. They look like they work here, don't they? The Beatles. Look at this crew. My goodness. Jeremiah, are you a bartender, sir? My name's Devin, and I'm a mixologist.

Wow. And who's this stud next to you that looks like a Count Chocula? Name's Ryan. It's my first day, Tony. Wow. So we got Devin, right? He's not going to last a week. What's your name again? Devin, right? Ryan. And who do we got?

Who didn't realize they're letting busboys make drinks tonight? What's your name? My name is Giuseppe, and I'm the leading infusionist here. Oh, okay. So we got Giuseppe, right? Yeah, that's right. Very good. Wow.

You guys ready to start this puppy pie? We got the band is here, Jeremiah, Chroma, Joel. We got Red Band here. And I, my friends, I'm excited about this because we have our real official. Yeah, the real bucket. This is the true bucket of destiny. Made the trip. It never goes on the road, but it wanted to come to Ventura for some reason.

That's the official Kill Tony bucket. It was built in Swansea, Massachusetts. A little fun fact. This has already been started at Kill Tony East. And we had a ton of people sign up before the show. Maybe it's somebody's first time ever. Maybe it's a local Ventura fucking Seinfeld. You know what I mean?

The old Seinfeld of Ventura. What's the deal with being two hours away from a great city? So if I pull your name out You know how it works You get 60 seconds You know your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty That means wrap it up then Or else you're going to bring out the angry

Gay part of Ventura bear Is there a gay part of Ventura? What's it called? It's my first day. I forgot it. I forgot it. Holy shit. Patties.

Wow. Wow, everybody's naming a different area. I guess the whole city's gay. Are we in it right now? This is it. Literally 50 people yelled different places. A lot of them just sounded like their buddy's house.

Fucking Todd's place, dude. That's the gayest place in Maduro, bro. My face. A Hong Kong inn, dude. You're at it, bro. Since you walked in, I've become the gayest place, dude. Alright, I pulled a name out of the bucket.

Here we go. It's going to get started. Make some noise for your first comedian of the night. Josh S. Everybody, here we go. It's Josh S. Yeah, here we go. That's Chroma Chris. Chroma Chris.

For some reason. Come on, ladies and gentlemen. We're at a Chinese restaurant. Make some noise for Josh S. Hey, what's up, everyone? Can you guys hear me back there? So I got a story to tell you guys. The other day I was jacking off.

Who likes to jack off? fuck dude, I love to jack off so I was there fucking beating my meat you know, oof, and I hadn't come in like a fucking week, man, I was in a moving process, I hadn't busted I was about to leak all over the goddamn place I know that's gross, but I was

getting at it climaxed, busted right in the roof of my mouth. I almost Kurt Cobain-ed myself right there. Shit. And, like, I know a lot of you people out there are like, that's fucking disgusting. You really came in your own mouth?

What did you do? I tasted it. Fuck. That shit was salty, and, uh... Yeah, I could tell. I was analyzing it. I really needed more water in my diet and more fruit, so it really wasn't a bad thing, you know? Uh, I could tell. I was analyzing it. I really needed more water in my diet and more fruit, so it really wasn't a bad thing, you know? Self-help,

you know? Self-health. Anyways, thank you guys. That's all I got. There you go. 57 seconds. Josh S. I'm gonna go up on a limb here. I'm gonna guess that that's your first time ever doing stand-up comedy. Am I correct?

100%. There you go. First time. Now, by the way, I'm not guessing that because of how his set went. I'm guessing that by content alone. Literally, every comedian's first minute ever is about jerking off. You get the guy, who loves jerking off? Place goes fucking crazy.

And being overly disgusting about it for no reason. No one's ever talked about tasting it, though. It's everybody's first set. The only person who talks about it forever is Red Band, basically. He's like, oh, I know who he is. That's a good way to do it. But I'll tell you this.

You stayed in the pocket. You memorized your shit. At least you fucking stayed in it. I made it up on the way here. Well, that's beautiful. I'll tell you this. Change Kurt Cobain to Squirt Cobain, and it all makes sense. It's right there, buddy.

It's right at the tip of your tongue, literally and metaphorically. But if you're going to shoot a load in your own mouth, it's got to be squirt Cobain. Josh S. You already have a good punchline. How does that make you feel? Is your nose pierced? You got a little

nose piercing there. Yeah, I'm a little bald. Oh, okay. Well, then I'll ask you what the gay part of Ventura is, I guess. The Hong Kong Inn. Wow. How long have you had the little part of your nose pierced? My birthday, when I turned 18. Oh, wow. How old are you now? I just turned 21

a month ago, actually. Wow. How's life changed since you turned 21? Not at all. Really? Really? I mean, I can drink now, but it's nothing that I didn't... Hell yeah. No one can switch on me, okay? Nothing I didn't do before. The bartender's...

You guys are cool, right? Yeah. What do you do for work, Josh? I'm a certified ASME pipe welder. Wow. What does that mean exactly? I just have to weld pipe in accordance to a welding code for the American Society of Mechanical Engineers. Jeez, look at you.

A lot of big words for a welder. Yeah. My goodness. You have a girlfriend, Josh? I do. Yeah? How long you been with her? A year.

Almost a year now. Wow. So when she met you, you had the piercing through your nose. She has one too, so we make a touch. Oh my God, look at you. It's like the lady and the tramp. You guys ever get stuck together? We actually have.

It wasn't pleasant at all. Does she have a lot of piercings, that one? She does. She's my silver. Is anywhere around her private parts pierced? Perhaps her butthole or vagina? No, but I've brought it up before. Whoa, your voice cracked when you said that you brought it up before.

I'm only 21. Wow. It's okay. It happens to me too sometimes. Every day. So when you say you brought it up to her before, what do you mean? I was like, hey, have you ever seen pussy piercings before? Are you interested in that?

And she was like, fuck no. So I haven't brought it up since then. She's like, I already have to put your needle in it all the time. Stupid piercing. Pussy piercing jokes, everybody. Remember Squirt Cobain? Anyway. Back at it again.

Tin roof rusted. Josh, you're a welder. You make good money doing that? Such a little boy with a grown man job. For someone this young, I think I'm pretty confident with it. Yeah. What do you like to do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours?

Honestly, I like to fish. That's probably one of my favorite things What do you do? You go to the end of the Ventura Pier here And sit out next to the American flag And look at the three islands That no humans live on This is my first time in Ventura What do you fish for? Compliments?

There it is Wow, these are real fans here tonight, huh? Listen to that Jolbert chant. There it is. It's warming up back there. So you said this is your first time in Ventura. Where do you live? I just moved to Camarillo a few weeks ago.

Ah, Camarillo. That's farther north in here? Oh, listen to the boos. These people hate Camarillo. Either that farther north in here? Oh, listen to the booze. These people hate Camarillo. Either that or that's their way of saying, don't order the shrimp. Anyway, why Camarillo? That was the first place I found on, I think it was a rental app or something like that. Where'd you move from?

Wyoming. Wow, you're from Wyoming? No, I'm from San Diego. Fuck Wyoming. So how'd you end up in wyoming uh i was there for work that's how i learned how to weld pipe so and then i got a job out here i wanted to be close to my family in san diego and how long were you in wyoming for i was there for a year so you wanted to be close to your family in San Diego So you moved to Camarillo? I couldn't find a job at the moment In San Diego

But I got an offer for a job in Oxnard And Camarillo's right next to Oxnard You guys like Oxnard But you hate Camarillo You know Oxnard You're an Oxnard, dude Damn, the crowd goes crazy At Oxnard. You're an Oxnard, dude. Damn, the crowd goes crazy at Oxnard.

So you want to be... Oh, you done fucked up, homie. You don't say it like that. You don't drop that hard R. I guess E. Wow, Josh. What else? Anything else interesting about you as a human? Like what else can you talk about? I've never heard any comedians really riff on

The fishing material or anything like that Because nothing happens really I don't have any material on that yet Are you going to go on stage again? Or is this just a one time Let's just throw my name in the bucket type thing When I came up, the guy said that there was Maybe one more seat left

And the guy came up and was maybe one more seat left. And the guy came up and was like, oh, I'm going to be a comedian. So he got in. And so I just put my name down. And I had something in my head just in case I did sign up. I wasn't planning it. It was cum. That's what was on my head. Yeah, so it was the basic, you know, basic.

Jerked off in your own mouth. That was that story that was the first thing that came up. And I still had to pay to get in, even though I put my name in the bucket. The fuck you want? A discount, dude? It's okay. You can have it. The fuck do you want? Me to give you cash right now? It's a sold-out show.

I still got in. I'm pretty happy. Of course, as soon as I get back there and I get comfortable, I get called up here and I'm pretty happy about it, actually. Sorry to break up your comfortable seating and that fucking I think he just came in our mouth for a welder you're really not keeping things together very well

alright Joshua you got the party started tonight there was no jerking off for you that was a fun way to get it going there he goes Josh S everybody kill Tony That was a fun way to get it going. There he goes, Josh S., everybody. Kill Tony. So easy a welder could do it.

Kind of. I fucking like these fucking two tough guys. Look at these real genuine. This is a couple real Ventura, just normal tough guys. Look at the one guy with the beard looking back like he couldn't possibly be a badass. And look at the guy right over his shoulder. You guys are like the real fucking deal. We don't get to

see people like you in LA. It's like cool. It's a compliment. You guys are like fucking men. It's fun. Alright. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jay Bird everyone. How about Jay Bird? I love birds.

Here he comes. What's up, everybody? I'm not really Jay Bird. I'm Jeff. So I'm from Long Beach, California. Drove all the way up here to see Kill Tony. And, you know, we like to party out in Long Beach. Been to a few parties myself.

I always thought it would be kind of cool, like I've never been to a whisper party, you know? And so just imagine that. Everybody's whispering. Well, yeah, like a library. Exactly, like a library. but drinking and getting fucked up and you're like hey man fuck yeah good to see you man anyway i thought it'd be kind of cool because i've never actually tried it so would you guys want to try that imagine okay just just i'll give

you something to say so let's start with a short one like uh look at somebody close by and say hey what's going on perfect that's great you're doing great all right let's try something like I would fuck you right now if nobody was looking try it there you go. Thank you. Step back from that ledge. Step back from that ledge. One more time for Jaybird. Or Jeff. What do you want to go by now? What are you going by?

You sign up as Jaybird, then you say your name's Jeff. I came up with that on the spot. My friends call me Jaybird. You can call me that too. You're my with that on the spot. My friends call me Jaybird. Heck yeah. You can call me that too. You're my friend. There you go.

Okay. Thanks. So let's talk about it. You came up with that on the spot. That means that's your first time doing stand-up. Yeah. Right. By the way, we could tell you came up with that on the spot.

You know that, right? Like it wasn't some amazing thing to where we're like, whoa. I know. Told us to whisper to one another. It got your imagination going, though, didn't it? You kind of want to do that now. No, piss me off. He's got a bad temper. Jaybird, stick with me over here.

So you're a fan of the show? You listen to podcasts and whatnot? What happened here? I watched you on TV once on like some YouTube video. My friends dragged me out here. Was it TV or YouTube? Jesus. That went from

that went from cool to bullshit real quick. It was a I saw you in one of my favorite films. I mean the background of a Joe Rogan Instagram post.

It was a son of a bitch. TV recording of it was a recording of you on TV that was posted on YouTube. It's all good. Thanks, Jeff. So what do you do with yourself?

Tell us about you. Who are you as a human? I'm a musician. Wow. You in a band? Yes. Yeah? What instrument do you play?

Guitar and vocals and a little bit of mandolin. What's the name of your band? Sunlit Souls. Silent Souls. Wow. Big shout out. Sunlit. Oh, Sunlit Souls. Hell yeah. Why don't you sing us a little line from one of your songs? Give us a little... Give me a tempo.

Yeah, give them a beat here. Don't be shy. Let's try this. So, one, two. Don't be shy. Let's try this. One, two. Desperado's on the run. Drinking whiskey and shooting guns. Now, Desperado's on the run.

That's pretty good. I don't think that was the right beat, but it was okay. Wow. I asked for a tempo, you son of a bitch. It's your fault! After hearing your music, I'm guessing this isn't the first time you've performed in a Chinese restaurant. Nope.

How long have you lived in Long Beach? Like five years. Where are you originally from? Cypress, California. Cypress, California. Remind me of where that is. Inland from Huntington. Ah, inland from Huntington.

Yeah, places I'll never fucking go. Yeah. Sounds racist. Yeah, it's okay. What ethnicity are you? White, white? White and Mexican. I can't really tell.

These lights are like blue and green. It gives everybody the same... Yeah. A little bit Mexican. I'm actually Keanu Reeves' son. Oh, yeah. No. No.

I don't think so. Your eyes are too sad to be related to Keanu Reeves. You have Keanu Reeves' hair, sort of like face shape. You're like a Juan Wick That's really good How long you been playing with the band? Little over Seven or eight years.

A lot of girls fall in love with you at those shows. A lot of girls hang out with you afterwards. You have groupies and whatnot. Depends. How many blind girls fall in love? Usually at Chinese restaurants. Or maybe boys? What are we talking about here?

Sometimes, yeah. You got a little Freddie Mercury shit going on? You just go out and kill it and fuck whatever? What are we talking about? Like I said, it depends. Wow. You're a great interview. I guess you could say that to any question I ask, huh?

All right, girls. All right. When's the last time you had intercourse with a woman? Last night. Oh, really? Is this a running thing with this girl, or was it a one-night stand? Running.

How long have you been with her? A little under a year. A little under a year. So take us through it. What happened? Was this at her place? It was at my place. At your place?

So you're in your apartment. Your three roommates are chilling in the living room. They got their feet up on bean bags and shit you're sitting there you're just fucking playing your guitar just writing a new song for the fucking Sunkissed Legends or whatever it is

and then all of a sudden what you get a text message from this girl who's like hey what's up what happens take us through it so girl who's like, hey, what's up? What happens? Take us through it. So basically, my girlfriend and I just made dinner. Yeah, what'd you

make? We made a... Craft macaroni and cheese. It was actually something new. It was three boxes of craft macaroni and cheese. You'll love this. It's a cauliflower gnocchi. Wow. With pesto sauce. It was really good, actually. Yeah, that makes sense.

Cauliflower in the middle of pasta, pesto sauce. Is that it? No pasta. It was pasta made with cauliflower. All the vegan girls just came right now. Are you vegan? No, I'm not. Is she? No. Just eating healthy meals. All right, so you ate the pussy g I'm not. Is she? No.

Just eating healthy meals. All right, so you ate the pussy gnocchi, and then what? Did you have anything? We watched cat videos for like 10 minutes. Wow. How long? Wow. I mean, that's really interesting.

You watch them on the couch? Yeah. You're sitting next to each other, looking on the phone. Exactly. Watching it right off the phone. What were the cats doing? They were like the ten most beautiful cats. Did you agree with the rankings?

Yeah, well, I thought Maine Coons should have been higher up on the rankings. Doesn't everyone? Wow. It's okay. You watch a video of the 10 most beautiful cats. Fucking get that pussy wet. And then what happens?

Then the YouTube ad plays and you lose your boner. I picked her up and... You picked her up? Picked her up. You picked the girl up? I picked her up. Wow. Swoop up? Picked her up. You picked the girl up? I picked her up. Wow. Swooped her up.

How big is she? She's like five... Yeah, how many ounces? She's shorter than me. She's short. 104 pounds. Oh, that's good. Easy to throw.

Shut the fuck up. Too much yelling going on from these rowdies. Don't start a bar fight at the Hong Kong Inn, please. I can't have this happen. Yeah, everybody knows karate here, please. Uh-oh. I was doing karate the other night on Kill Tony. Remember that?

Remember when we were doing that? Yeah. Some of that fucking one and the only fucking. What do we got? Wow. All right, there you go. Way to fucking hit that easy beach ball out of the park, Redman. So, uh,

wow. There's something about you. I wish I could figure out exactly. I wish I could pinpoint it. Alright, so you eat the gnocchi, you watch the cat videos, then what happens? Uh, swooped her up, took her to the bedroom. Took her to the bedroom. Yeah.

How many bedrooms do you have in your place? It's my place. It's a one-bedroom apartment. You were in the living room. We were in the living room. Swooped her up. Somebody do the dishes at this point? They are still dirty at that point.

They're just sitting on the coffee table in the living room? You guys are watching YouTube videos? Like what? Like a paper towel bundled up on the plate? Do you still have the tissue on your mouth with the chloroform? Or do you just... Just to be safe? So, let me clarify.

I have a kitchen, too. And we were eating in the kitchen. Hey, you don't need to brag. So you're eating in the kitchen. Eating in the kitchen. Hey, you don't need to brag. So you're eating in the kitchen. Eating in the kitchen, cat videos on the couch, sex in the bedroom. Hey, how long have you looked like hipster Kylo Ren? Devin, the bartender.

All right, John. Mixologist. How long did you last having sex with this girl that you've been fucking for just a year? My girlfriend. Your girlfriend. That's what you call people that you've been fucking for under a year. Probably about 20 minutes. Wow, 20 minutes.

15, 20. I want to say 15, 20. It went from 20 to 15. At the end, do you just jerk yourself off and then come on them? Come on her? Do you ever put salt and lime around her pussy when you eat her out? It depends. That's one of Devin's moves right there.

Do you drive from Long Beach today? Yes, I drove my friends so they could drink Lovely Wow, what a good friend you are Let me guess, your drinking friends are the ones that are recording this on their cell phone even though it's a video podcast Wow Brilliant, brilliant.

Still doing it, by the way. Didn't even slow him down. They're like, nope, I'm posting this one, you idiot. I'm posting this shaky fucking vertical fucking iPhone cam. The Blackberry. Alright. Well, Josh, thank you.

Fun time. Thanks for signing up. Jeff, that's right. Jay Bird. There he goes. Thanks for signing up. Jeff. That's right. Jay Bird. There he goes. Thanks for making the trip. Wow. That ledge, my friend. But you would step back.

Step back from that. Step back from that ledge. Where should you step? Okay, I pulled another name out of it. You guys having fun out there? All right. Well, let's see what happens next. I pulled another name out.

Let's go with Devin Black, everyone. Here we go. Devin, whoa, here he is. Look at that. I knew you were going to do that. So I have an identity crisis. My name is Devon Black. I'm actually a white man, born in the 70s.

Yes, I hip-hop hop hooray, you know. It's kind of hard to do this thing, you know, when you're a white man in a black neighborhood of Huntington Beach growing up. On my graduation, I said that most likely to get busy in the bathroom of a Burger King. Please allow me to thump thee, is what I always said. I don't know about Burger King. You used to get the crown. It was all good. You'd get the crown and, yeah, I got a fat burger.

You know, it was great in the 90s. And then what the hell happened to Burger King? It sucks now. Everyone hates Burger King. You know, like you can't even – and let's go with Happy Meals. You know what I mean? You go to Happy Meals. It's in a bag now.

But when we were kids, you had like little M's there. You'd pull them up. You know what I mean? You'd come up there. You'd get a little toy. Everybody's having a good time and everything. You know, like, oh. come up there, you get a little toy. Everybody's having a good time and everything. But now it's like a good quote.

Hey, you want some apples? You don't want some applesauce? Oh. Is that it? Was there more to that? It's just like where you're getting fat. Yeah, you're getting fat.

Yeah, like when we were kids we could like go get a soda. One more time for Devon Black, everybody. Devon Black, everybody. Devon Black. That's like Star Wars. Devon Black, you indeed look like a guy that would arrest a guy named Devon Black. It's quite incredible. Looks like you'd shoot him a couple times accidentally.

I'd tase him. Looks like your body camera would accidentally be turned off a lot. There's going to be an internal investigation after that. Tase him first or use the shotgun bullets. You know what I mean? The rubber to the kneecap twice. Devon, leave the jokes to us. Oh, all right.

Leave it to us. No. So let's talk about it. First time doing stand-up? Yeah, of course. Right. And where are you from? Huntington Beach.

I said it. Huntington Beach. How far is that from here? West. Oh, you know when they ask you for a distance, you say west. Southwest, yeah. I don't know, 58 miles, I don't know, something like that. All right.

Wow. Okay. What do you do for work, Devon? Did you say west from here? That's the middle of the ocean, bro. Can't talk about it. I'm a mixologist. How dare you. All right.

Are you really? No, he's not I do pools for a living You do what? I do pools What does that mean exactly? I go clean them Why didn't you say pool guy?

Because I'm not a pool guy I think you're having a real identity crisis I told you I am This is my real life I think you're a pool guy I'm a pool girl It looks like he Was sentenced to jail I told you I am. This is my real life. I think you're a pool guy. I'm a pool girl. All right. It looks like he was sentenced to jail and had to serve community service at 30 continuous years of Warped Tour.

It's because of the vans, huh? Actually, these are Etnies. 1990. Devon, tell us something else about you that's really true about you. I'm married. Yeah. How long have you been married for? He also lives in the ocean, bro.

Yeah. Aquaman. I'm married to a mermaid, dude. I was going to go with some gay jokes, but I liked it better, so I can go with that with, like, a mermaid. How long have you been married for? 11 years. Too long.

11 years. Wow. Does she think you're taking out the trash right now? Oh, I do them all the time. She's a teacher, so she's awesome. long. Wow. Does she think you're taking out the trash right now? Oh, I do them all the time. She's a teacher, so she's awesome. Yeah. Yeah.

What is she teaching? I know it's not comedy. Special ed. All right. Very good. You have great timing, Devon. Hell yeah. All right.

So you're married 11 years. You're not really into it. Is that true? Getting there. Getting there. Getting there. Fuck yeah. Alright. I hope she's listening to this podcast right now.

She's filming it. Jesus Christ. You gotta dance with the girl you came with, dude. You're a loser. Do you ever visit her kids at work and they just start chanting, one of us, one of us? I rode the short bus for a long, long time. Wow. What else?

What do you do for fun? Well, I take dumps in Britney Spears' backyard. That's a good time. What do you mean by that? Sounds toxic. Well, because when you're a pool guy, you don't have any places you can go to the bathroom at. Are you Britney Spears' pool guy?

No. Oh, God. Stevon, you're unbearable. Yeah. I know. You can't. This whole part of the show, there's the two parts.

There's the 60 seconds and then there's the interview part. If you fuck up the 60 seconds, we could save it in this part. I'm pretty sure you're fucking comedy kryptonite. Not yet a man. You're not giving us nothing.

I'm sorry. I don't know. Can't talk about this. Can't talk about that. It's okay. Let's just keep it moving. There goes Devon Black, everybody. I'm sorry. I don't know. Can't talk about this. Can't talk about that. It's okay. Let's just keep it moving. There goes Devon Black, everybody. There he goes.

There he goes. Back to obscurity he goes, where he's most comfortable. I see some fucking interesting characters out there right now, and we keep getting these boring-ass white dudes one after the other. I mean, I'm looking out there right now and we keep getting these boring ass white dudes one after the other. I mean, I'm looking out there. There's people with like fucking tiny hands and faces and shit. Like everybody's like sort of weird looking. Is there any comics

out there? Like real comics? They're out there. There you go. Probably not going to get pulled out of the bucket, but they're out there. Alright, make some noise for your next performer. Aurelia Mayesh, everyone. Aure your next performer. Aurelia Mayesh, everyone. Aurelia Mayesh. Aurelia.

Here we go. Baby. Hey, baby. Here he is. Aurelia Mayesh, everybody. One more time for Aurelia. Here we go. We startlia Mayesh, everybody. One more time for Aurelia. There we go. We start now? Let's do it.

So, the measles are back. You hear about that shit? A lot of parents don't want to vaccinate their kids, and as a result, kids are sneaking out to get themselves vaccinated. But, uh... No, I walked by high school today. I swear to God, I saw this kid out there just going, Hey, I got two for one measles! Blue shot!

I got your diphtheria for you for free right here, throw it in! So, uh, no, and then you think about that poor kid's got to seek around the house to get that thing in him, you know? He's got that hippy-dippy mom going around, you know, she won't say, Hibiscus, what are you doing? Nothing, mom really it's not doing me if you've been trying to get a job the past few weeks, and I'm going through interviews and handing out resumes. And, you know, eventually the employer will ask me for, you know, they'll say like, well, what skills do you bring to the table here?

How do you know? Woo! Aurelia Maia. Fuck yes. Here we go. Fuck yes I like the way you're Starting to you know Fix your image since that

Fire Festival documentary came out about you Trying my best Coming back as a new young comedian Coming from the Ventura scene Is this where you're from? No I'm actually from Torrance, California Torrance, California How far is that from here?

Two hours just right outside LA by El Segundo Oh okay And you ever sign up for Kill Tony at the comedy store? Lawrence, California. How far is that from here? Two hours. It's right outside LA by El Segundo. Oh, okay. And you ever sign up for Kill Tony at the comedy store? Never have. I started doing comedy when I started doing, I moved up here for university. How long ago was that? A year ago. A year ago.

And what are you studying here at university? Like I said, I just graduated. I studied philosophy. Philosophy. You did. And you're a year into that. I just graduated, but I'm a year into stand-up. Oh, gotcha.

So, all right. That makes sense. What school did you go to? UCSB. UCSB. Yep. Is that a fun school to go to? It's a good old time.

What's the most fun night that you ever had in college? I don't think you're supposed to remember those, right? Not if I have anything to do with it. You look like the kind of guy that might remember yours, though. I feel like the person you spent it with might not remember theirs. That's true. I know. Just kidding.

You guys are softies up here. That was good. That was a good one. Let's see. Funnest night? I don't know. I really didn't go out much too much, to be honest. I didn't live in the whole college town area. I just kind of lived out and, you know. Bedrock? Yes, and bedrock.

You have hobbies or anything like that? Play some instruments here and there. You know, the stand-up. What kind of instruments do you play? Guitar and bass, mostly. Oh, guitar and bass. Yeah. Wow.

You ever been in a band? Nope. No? No. Has anybody ever asked you to be in a band? I mean, we used to jam a little bit with some guys And people moved away but nothing too serious Wow

So you play musical instruments What else? I used to skate and then I got fat so I stopped skating And then What else? You just gave up Your passion of skating because you got fat? Yeah, that concrete hurts when you weigh 220 pounds, man.

So don't. Exactly. I got to lose weight, so don't. My goodness. Why do you think you're gaining weight so much? What's happening? Lazy piece of shit. Yeah.

You don't ever work out? No. That's the blue moon. What's the most exercise you've done recently? What do you think it is, if you had to guess? Have you been out of breath recently? I went bowling last night. You did?

You went bowling? Got out of breath by the seventh frame. Wow. Yeah, it was pretty amazing. New low for me. My goodness. Life is in the gutter, Aurelia. Yeah.

My God. How old are you? 24 What about work? I just got Actually, I just did find a job Yeah I've been doing Housing market research

For this little firm Up in Santa Barbara I don't even know What that means really But I think I'm just Crunching numbers Housing market research Yes

So what do you do? I'm foreclosing people I don't know Is that true? You don't know I have no idea I know boo, right? You don't know do you do? I'm foreclosing people. I don't know. Is that true? You don't know. I have no idea. I know Boo, right? You don't know what you do?

To my understanding, I'm just getting... When do you start? A few weeks. You start in a few weeks. To my understanding, I'm just getting, what's it called, rental figures and stuff, just like numbers around areas and putting it into a database. Wow. Wow.

That's amazing. Super fun, right? You went to college for that. of just numbers around areas and put it into a database. Wow. Wow. Amazing. Super fun, right? You went to college for that. You paid. I know. I realized that. Trust me. You don't think I'm kicking myself

in the balls every day about it? I don't know. I don't know if that philosophy thing is... Working out? Yeah. I mean, that seems like a tough one. I don't remember any of the great... I don't remember Aristotle

crunching apartment numbers for... That he did not. You have a girlfriend? Do not. No? Nope. You go on dates at all? Here and there, yeah.

Yeah? Yeah. Like last date you went on, what was that? Me and these girls went out to a bar, had some drinks, pretty standard stuff.

So you just went to a bar by yourself, right? I said me and a girl. Yeah? Okay. So would you meet on a nap we did actually right yeah then you see you messaged her and you're like hey i want to hang out sometime she's like okay and then what he nailed it yep yep you showed up at the bar yep

you just magically appeared there i drove oh you drove you drove yourself yes nighttime late nighttime like nine o'clock i think or something nine'clock I think Seems like a pretty good time to meet up with someone Who was catfishing who? She definitely got me Really? She was a little bit bigger than Definitely those pictures were a few years old for sure Really? Wow

I mean look at your hair dude Look at yours! I got a question Why? I don't have much of a choice It's either that or shave it off Look at yours. I got a question. Why? Why what? The hair. I don't have much of a choice. It's either that or shave it off. Good point.

Why aren't you looking at him in the eyes when you talk to him? When you're making fun of his hair. Yeah, I got a question about your hair. Okay. Why? You were looking at the ground. That was adorable. And I'll say the same answer.

Oh, shit. All right. Stick with me over here, Aurelia. Am I saying that right? It's actually Aurelio. Aurelio. So the girl's bigger than you thought she was going to be, right? And then you sit there.

The waitress comes around. What happens? How many drinks do you have? Two or three, something like that. Two or three, something like that. Yeah. Do you remember what you drank that night? Yeah, what'd you drink?

Gin and tonic. That's my mix. Do you remember what she drank that night? My man. Who roofies a chick that catfished him? Nobody. You already got it. Yeah.

I'm going to... If you're doing roofies at that point, you're just evil. They call that a lure in the business. He just roofies her and leaves her there. It's called a catch and release. Booyah! Devin. Wow.

Cleaning up the house. So you have a few drinks with this chick, and then what happens? Went back to my place, actually. You went to her place? Yeah. Wow. What was that like?

What do you remember about her place? My place, actually. Oh, your place. Yes. Wow. What happened then? Let me guess. You guys made

cauliflower gnocchi and watched videos of the 10 most beautiful cats and then fucking then drove your drunk friends across the state? It's like I've already been up here.

All right. What happened? We, you know, made sweet, sweet love or whatever. Really? You just started just like that, huh?

Just straight in, just basically, just basically just started just like that? Just straight in? Just basically the hard rape? Just straight up? No making out. No foreplay. Just straight insertion. You unzipped her pants. You didn't even unbutton them. You went through the front pee hole

and just bent up. Did like a pipe. Did the old boomerang. the old L, the old 90 degree fucking burn. To sprint. All right, well. All right. These are some of the roughest interviews

we've had in the history of this show. Back to back to back to back to back. Yeah. Everybody's just like, yeah, sure. Then what? Yeah, tell me more, Tony. You're the funny one. Tell me what I did.

Pretty interesting. This is weird. It's pretty interesting. This is weird. It's like nobody's from Ventura, but there's like some weird Ventura vortex of lack of weird improv or something happening. Aurelio is actually short for a really awful interview. Yeah, it is. There he goes.

On to the next one. Put your hands together for Aurelio. My end. together for Aurelio Maia. Back to the bucket we go. Come on. Let's go deep. Do they still have those huge drinks here? That's crazy. You've been here before?

I've done a couple shows here. Wow. Look at you. I didn't realize you were the fucking Hong Kong in Bill Burr of Hong Kong Inn. Place the rules. Wow. Jesus. Not a lot of people know this. A lot of comedy greats are here.

Ali Wong was born here. All I talk about is being Asian and pregnant. Anyway, I pulled a name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Katya, everyone. Katya. K-A-T-Y-A. Here we go. Here we go.

So a little about me. I'm a very compassionate person. I think it's because I recently became disabled. Yeah, I'm in full-blown menopause. Lost all my hormones. So I decided from now on, I'm only going to date guys in wheelchairs. Because they have a lot of compassion. You know, they're nonjudgmental.

They don't care that I've gotten a little older or maybe don't have a perfect body. They only worry that I don't leave them in the parking lot without their wheelchair after an argument. It's all about compassion, people. I also help house the homeless. Yeah, I give them my tent. I also help house the homeless.

Yeah. I give them my tent. Next time you're down in L.A. and you see Tent City, just think of me. Well, my time is almost up, folks, but I just want to say have a fucking great night. My name is Katya. Woo!

Wow. You can barely hear, but that was exactly one minute Nailed it Heck yeah Hey, how's it going guys? You have a great internal clock You nailed that minute Down to the millisecond Thank you

I have no hormones, but the clock is still working Yeah, exactly You have no biological clock This is an honor I'm such a big fan of the Kathy comic strip It is Wow, that's a deep cut Heck yeah clock, but yeah. This is an honor. I'm such a big fan of the Kathy comic strip. It is... Wow. Fantastic. That's a deep cut.

Heck yeah. So, Katya, have you done stand-up before? I've been doing it for three years. Oh, awesome. You live around here or something? I'm from Thousand Oaks. Thousand Oaks. That's a good... Jesus.

Thousand Oaks to a couple jokes. Heck Jesus. Thousand Oaks to a couple jokes. Heck yeah. Thousand Oaks and Tree Folks. Okay, Katya. First of all, let me tell you, you're my favorite member of the band The Eagles. Thank you. Thank you.

So menopause, can you tell us more about that? You might be the first woman we've ever had talk about going through menopause. Wow, really? Would you be comfortable telling us more about it? Like what goes on? You might be the first woman we've ever had talk about going through menopause. Wow, really? Would you be comfortable telling us more about it? Like what goes on? What's up with that? It's not fun.

Like a lot of leaking? Oh, come on, Red Band. Let her answer. Easy, easy. Let her answer. I want to hear what her answer is, not your gross answer. It's not fun. It's not fun.

It really, it sucks getting older. Like hot flashes oh yeah how did you know how did you know that it was happening did like did like you wake up

one morning and there were like little eggs next to your legs or something like that and you're like who laid those eggs like I don't really know

what menopause is can you eat those eggs isn't that when the ladies lay the eggs or something it's when they have this little it looks like caviar right that's what I meant leaking. You're asking the wrong girl. I have no idea.

All I know is that one day... Is it true that you keep your eggs in that purse and you always carry them around with you? I do because I miss them so much. It's a joke. This is a red band type of question, but I just gotta ask it. Does that mean

guys can just fucking blow loads? You can't get pregnant anymore. It's pretty much I can't get pregnant and guys can blow loads, yes. Wow. Look at that.

Shots, shots, shots, shots. And it makes you hornier, right? Doesn't that make you hornier? Or is that already over? Never mind. Sorry. It's not over. Hey, it's not over.

It is not fucking over. No, it's never over. You hear that, Jay Bird? It's never over. It's never over. That's crazy that when you said that guys can just finish inside of you, I saw one dude shoot a load into his own mouth in the back of the room.

Yes, I remember. So when you realize that, does that mean the party's on? Do you have a boyfriend or something? I'm single. Wow, hell yeah. What are you doing? You're just walking down the pier

fucking fishermen and everything? Trying. At this point, I'll try anything. Really? Is that true? Guys don't want to date me. Guys want the younger girls. Well, of course they don't want to date you, but they'll fuck you.

Oh, that's true. That's true. Nobody wants to date anybody. Nobody wants to like, hey, oh, you getting the chicken? I'll get the steak. We could have a bite. Nobody wants to date. Dating's not fun at all. You should just get a

t-shirt that says DTF and menopause. What's up? Just like a cross. Or just no t-shirt. Good advice. I should. Let's go over to Devin. Hi. My name's Devin. I'd like to let you buy me a drink.

Hey. Look at that. It's like we're mixing it up tonight. I don't think he could handle this. Whoa! Hey, I've always wanted to get with one of the leads from the hit movie Hocus Pocus. Ha! All right.

Bring it on. Wow. Look at this. She puts the hoe in Hocus. My God. Heck yeah. Hocus Pocus meets the fucking head of the Slytherin. This is very exciting.

Have you ever been married before? I have. I've been married. How many times? Twice. Twice. Ah, fuck yeah. You got that fucking

Thousand Oaks divorce money. I did. No. No. Nobody wants to date me and I can't get pregnant. I don't know what to do I married poorly

I actually married poorly No way What are those guys doing? What did those guys do That you married? One was a surgeon One was a foreigner A foreigner?

Yeah From the band Foreigner? No He's a pinball wizard I'm just kidding That's not a. He's a pinball wizard. I'm just kidding. That's not a foreigner song. You got pinball money. Go ahead.

What was the... He was from Ireland, and so he was... I could barely understand him, but he was really cute, and he had the accent, and I was young and dumb. How long did that last?

Three years. Did he leave you because you were Dublin in size? Oh, Ireland. See? They don't like it. Thank you. How about the second husband? What did he do? What was his job? He was

a loser. He was a nice guy, but he was a sad loser kind of guy. Wow. What do you mean? Can you give us an example? Just one small example of how he was a loser. He couldn't support himself and his kids. Skinny legs.

He totally did. He totally did. He totally did. Was he Latino? No That's a weird guess He said kids I was just thinking of the kids Latino supporters

Did the kids ever try anything on you? What? What? Oh my god, red band What's happening over there? Jesus Alright, well Katya, that's fun What? What? Oh, my God. Red band. Why did you look at the floor when you said that? Nothing. Jesus. All right. Well, Katya, that's fun.

And you've been doing it for three years. Three years, yeah. Wow. And I love it. I love it. That's so crazy. What other hobbies do you have? You seem like an adventurous lady out there.

Yeah. Well, I love blogging. I've been blogging for about six years. And I write in character. And her name's Clever Girl, and she's more of an asshole than I am. So that I love. What do you mean?

What do you mean Clever Girl's an asshole? She says what other people think, and she just lets it all out. She doesn't hold back. There's no filter. That's you. Yeah, yeah. Can you give us an example

of what she would say or do or something? Oh, God. What is it? Apparently not. I can't think of something right now. What's a topic that Clever Girl would talk about? Nothing's off. So this place. What would Clever Girl say about the

Hong Kong Inn? Yeah. What would she say about the Hong Kong Inn? Oh, God, really? Well, I mean, let's just get a taste of it. I'll stop you if it gets too extreme. I'm just hoping. Okay, so. If you get stabbed by a chopstick at the end of this, I had nothing to do with it, by the way.

Okay, so if I came here to eat, I don't... I don't... Wow. But if you guys go to my blog, you'll totally get a kick out of it. What the fuck are you talking about, Katya?

I'm going to go home and do that tonight. Yes. If this was a trailer for the blog that you're pushing right now, I'm not watching that movie. I know. I don't blame you. Do you ever do webcam stuff? Okay.

No, no, no. There you go. No, no, no. Good question. Webcam? Look at her. What kind of cam was she on? 35 millimeter?

Yeah. Ticka, ticka, ticka, ticka, ticka, ticka, ticka. Yes. Pretty much. There's an old man that puts a hood over his head. you're on 35 millimeter yeah ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka yes pretty much there's an old man that puts a hood over his head and

stand in one spot you're going on the internet pretty much alright Katya well we had fun with you thank you for being so open thank you you were a great interview

she gets it Katya's my favorite so far yeah somebody get that girl's eggs She's out there telling the truth About her real life She's not afraid I like that

One more time for Katya everyone You have it in you Everybody else wants to play too cool for school That's what it is I don't know what I'll do I bet she's going to blog about it Heck yeah she's going to I bet Clever Girl's going to say the craziest stuff

On all of the blogs I think we've had I think this person's been on this show before actually Make some noise for Jesse Campos Sounds familiar We know Jesse don't we I think we do. One more time for Jesse Campos.

Oh, yeah, thank you. I called out of work for this. All right, so I work in a bar. Working in a bar is pretty cool. But, you know, working in a bar, you see some things. Mic stands. I once watched a guy puke into his hands and then put the puke into his pockets. I saw that and I was like, you know, that's the confidence I want.

Like, this guy's pretty alpha. I'm no alpha, obviously. I'm a tri-lambda. So, I think it's really embarrassing to be a guy sometimes. Because, you know, guys do, like, the dumbest things to women. A guy recently bit my friend at a bar, and he offered her a game of pool to make it up to her. I think the only way you can, like, have an excuse to bite someone is if you're a werewolf and you want friends.

By the way, speaking of werewolves, I was watching that movie Teen Wolf. Most basketball I've ever seen. Thank you. Most what? There you go. Most what you've ever seen? Basketball. Most basketball.

Yeah. Hell yeah. So Jesse, let's talk about it. Have I seen you before? Yeah, I was at the comedy store. I was on when Eric Griffin was on at the comedy store. Oh, okay. Yeah.

What happened that episode? Remind me of some of the highlights of what happened there. Was it a good night or was it an M night? I did okay. What happened in that episode? Remind me of some of the highlights of what happened there. Was it a good night or was it an M night? I did okay. If I remember... He looks like M Night Shyamalan for those of you listening to the podcast. Shocked that the audience didn't

roll a little bit harder with that one. I don't know. So we found out I was a nerd. I lived with my grandmother. Yeah. We found out I was a nerd. I lived with my grandmother. Yeah. We found out you were a nerd when we first saw you. Yeah, I was wearing a Venom t-shirt.

And you lived with your grandmother. How long have you lived with your grandmother? I'll be two years in August. Two years. Do you have superpowers yet? I wish. You look like disease Ansari. Thank you. You look like disease Ansari. Thank you.

Wow. Never have to hit that one again. Wow, that was crazy. That was the worst sound effect I've ever heard in my life. So two years with your grandma. How much longer until she dies? She's milking it. She turns 95 next month. Oh my goodness.

And what is she? Latino? Mexican? Yeah, both my parents are Mexican. 95. Both of your parents are Mexican. Why do you live with your grandma? Why? Yeah. It helps me save money so when I move out to LA. Right. And where are you now? I'm in Oxnard. It's like save money so when I move out to LA. Right.

And where are you now? I'm in Oxnard. It's like five minutes, like a freeway. Oxnard? Oxnard, yeah. Oxnard. This is the Oxnard, everybody. We finally found him.

This is the Oxnard of Oxnard. Heck yeah, Jesse. And so you're saving money. What are you doing working again? I work two jobs. I work at a bar and then I work in a cafe. Bar're saving money. What are you doing working again? I work two jobs. I work at a bar and then I work in a cafe. Bar and a cafe. Genius bar?

What? Never mind. Okay. What do you do at the bar? Bartender? Bar back and bus. Bar back and bus. Sounds like a... Anyway. Thank you for your service.

Thanks. How about at the cafe? Same thing? Bar, back, and bus? It's like expediter and running food. It's not really like a serving job. It's just take orders in the front. Something like that. Uh-huh. Yeah. How long have you been doing those jobs for?

The bar, I'll be hitting two years, like in August. And then I just got a new cafe job like this month. But like at the other cafe it was like six months. How old are you, Jesse? I'm 24. 24, perfect.

You have a lot of tattoos. I do. You like into like punk stuff or something? You like hardcore? What are you, a Blink-182 fan or something? Yeah, I listen to like

a lot of 2000s pop punk, metal, 80s music. You ever play music or anything like that? Yeah, I used to be in a band. I could play a lot of 2000s pop punk, metal, 80s music. Do you ever play music or anything like that? Yeah, I used to be in a band. I could play a couple instruments. What was the band that you were in? What was it called? Outside City Limits.

Wow, Outside City Limits. Yeah. What were you in the band? You can Google the SoundCloud if you want. Oh, wow. Look at that. I wrote the guitar for some of our songs, but I played bass. Oh, interesting.

You never sang? I mean, I did backing vocals. Can you give us an example of some of the backing vocals that you did for Outside City Lemon? We did this last time, right? We didn't do this last time. I don't know. I don't remember. Just like from our songs.

I don't really remember our songs. I could do like a little thing. Just do it, dude. What the hell are you talking about? I don't know what this is. I don't know what song this is. What's happening over here? In the car. I just can't wait. Oh, okay.

Okay. Want me to do it? Okay. In the car, I just can't wait To pick her up on her very first date Wait, wait, wait. You're backing vocals. Only say the third word. In the car, I just can't wait To pick her up on her very first date It's cool if I hold your hand

It's all I'm thinking is to dance Do you like my stupid hair? Don't sing that much I'm just singing from the dance It's too good Wow All right, let's dance Since I don't want over

All this, listen me, since I don't want over. All this, listen, since I last forever. Forever and ever, this I do it forever. Forever and ever, let's make this last forever. Wow, look at that. Incredible. All right, now let's listen to the actual music that he made. Hold on a second.

Wait a second. Hold on. Wait a second. Can I just say as the lead singer of this new band, as backup vocals, you're supposed to do every fourth or fifth word, and you're kind of choking up on my leads, bro. I'm sorry. I heard Blake 182, and I was like... I'm just saying, know your place.

I'm sorry. I thought it was incredible. I'm excited to be up here. One more time for these guys. Drink 182, everybody. Just a few bartenders getting together in their spare time. Giving each other tips for a change.

That's so fucking cool. My goodness, you're like a real rock star. There's something very Indian about you, even though you're Mexican. I get that a lot. He suffers from something called dentist face. It really is.

I get mistaken a lot for being Middle Eastern. Especially from like other Middle Eastern people. So they'll ask me like stories like where I'm from and I just like pretty much give them like a Kumail Nanjiani backstory saying like I'm from Pakistan. It's really interesting.

I've never seen a Mexican that looks like Fareed Zakaria before. GPS. All right, Jesse. Well, congratulations on getting on Kill Tony again and fun times up here. Great interview.

You didn't get to play my music. Bye. You guys are rocking tonight. Rock and roll. My goodness. Devin. Killing it. Devin, anybody tell you you look like a young David Copperfield before? Yeah. Make some noise for your next comic.

Russell Samler, everyone. Russell Samler is making his way to the stage. Here he comes. The long walk of justice. One more time for Russell, everyone. What's up, Ventura?

How we doing? Hell yeah. Thanks for having me, I appreciate it. I'm also from the nerd. Ox nerd. Yeah, it's Nard, but we got the nerd. So you guys been keeping up on this Robert Kraft thing? The billionaire getting caught, getting jerked off at a strip mall for $40? Yeah, first off, you think you pay a little bit more money?

Fuck the Patriots. That's not the point of the story. But being from the nerd, I don't really see the problem, dude. Like, Robert Croft is guilty. Try to find a legitimate massage parlor in the nerd. It's impossible. It's fucking impossible, dude.

So, I'm gonna tell you this quick story. I only got a few seconds. I was recently at one of these places looking for a legit massage. Didn't happen. Didn't happen. Not so subtly halfway through the massage, the lady just grabs my dick. Yeah, just grabs it. I don't know who that is.

So I'm a man. I think about it, right? But here's the thing, guys. I'm getting married. So I look over at my wife real quick. She's there. It's a couple's massage. And the fucked up part, she's already getting jilled off, right?

The lady massage. Yeah. So I get a happy ending. I get jacked off. My Valentine's is wonderful. The point of the story, got jacked and jilled off. We had lunch. It was a great fucking day, guys.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Good for you. Look at you. I saw you. I thought you were just an unsuccessful Seth Rogen, and then it turns out you're living this kind of fucking party life. Dude, I get that Seth Rogen comment every time I step on stage.

You look like an unsuccessful Seth Rogen. Yeah. It's very true. He doesn't do places like this, Seth. Is that a true story? Jerking off? Well, my wife wasn't there, but the part about... Yeah.

The part about what is true? That you got jerked off. I had it once when I had double jerked off, but we all fucked. It was at a massage parlor, though. God, you are a disgusting human, Brian Redband. At the massage parlor? That's awesome.

The quality of humans that you... Brian, you got jacked at it, jilted it, and fucked at it at the same time? Yeah, and then at the end, Redband sucked his own dick. Just because he's that flexible, as we saw in London blatantly. That's awesome.

You want me to do my stretch? You guys want to see Red Band on Second Stop? You said it. You said it. Give us a stretch. These people want a stretch. That's right. The only member of the band that

stretches like that. Also the only member coincidentally that's torn his ACL in the past year. Russell, you do any sports or athletics or anything? You seem like the kind of guy that would go cut down trees in your grandfather's property. No, I did in college, in high school, I played sports.

When did you play? I played baseball in college. Wow, what position? The outfield, center field in college, or junior college. Wasn't anything special, guys. I'm not getting too excited. Junior college. You went from the Yankees to the Spankies.

You know what I'm saying? Well, you're building me up too much. You ever tell your wife, put me in, coach. So how long have you been married for? I'm not married yet. I'm getting married in June. I just hate calling her the fiance like we act French. Getting married in June. Yeah. How long have you been engaged?

Two years. Two years. Did you do it any way fancy? Were you at an Oxnard rodeo or something like that? Hey, babe, look at us up on the Jumbotron. Will you marry me? It was something like that.

Very country, redneck-y. Is it true? No, we're actually at Central Park in New York. But it wasn't that special or fancy. Do you have dip in your mouth right now? Do I have dip in my mouth? Bro, I'm Jewish. We're not like that redneck-y. You don't have anything in your mouth?

No. Interesting. Have you ever chewed or dipped before? Yeah, I have. Okay, you have resting dip face. Okay. Wow. Like you don't have anything in there right now,

but it literally looks like you're... Okay. Russell, what do you do for work? Did we talk about this yet? No. I work in construction. It's like a family business. Family business.

Your dad's company? Yeah. Well, it's mine now. He kind of retired. He's old. Wow. Look at that Your dad's company? Yeah. Well, it's mine now. He kind of retired. He's old. Wow. Look at that. You inherited the family company.

What are you guys constructing? Pyramids? He's Jewish. All right. Yikes. Slavery. Slavery jokes. Slavery jokes.

Super topical, Joel. What are you Jews constructing? The pyramids? Yeah, that would be the fuck. Did it, did it, did it, did it, did it, did it. Breaking news. Back to you in the studio, Tony. I'm going to go pee.

So, Russell, how long has it been that you've inherited the dad's company and how much longer until you've run it into the ground? Well, as you can see, I'm doing this shit. So, you know, I'm looking for a new gig. I've been doing it since I was 13, though. What kind of construction? We do a little bit of everything Like tile work to painting to basically whatever

Let's say I wanted to build a building The first ever Kill Tony Studio headquarters And I wanted to do it in Ventura And I might have you do it Give us a pitch on you building The new Kill Tony studio A pitch?

We usually don't have to pitch ideas. Alright, I want to build a big studio. Can you do that? Yeah, soundproof. We can frame it out all beautiful. The mirrors. What if we don't want all that? I don't know what you want.

You play baseball and you can't pitch? What the fuck? Hey now. No. No, I played outfield. Russell, tell us something. The story was good and all, but tell us something, like a fun fact about you

that you think makes you different than everybody else. You ever do anything crazy before? Crazy before. You ever almost die? You ever do anything crazy before? Crazy before. You ever almost die? You ever save anybody's life? Anything like that? I just got back from my bachelor party. Found out I'm not good at drugs anymore.

What happened? Well, me and my buddies, for those who know, bachelor parties have cocaine. Things like that involved. So we did that, and the first night in I realized I'm not good at it anymore. Just got all weird and paranoid.

She kept throwing my heart rate. It was bad for everybody. Nobody wanted to hang out with me. So you couldn't go pro at that either? I don't know. At Storn Cocaine that's just rehab, right? Sure, it was cocaine maybe your friends

just have bad cocaine like maybe you're just doing meth or fentanyl or something no I think it was just really good cocaine and I'm just kind of I'm just getting older

like in my 20s I can handle it and now I'm like in my 30s and it's just I'm getting all weird and paranoid like it's just like you know

I'm the dude that does the line and I sit back at the table and buddy's like you okay man like no dude I'm gonna fucking die my heart I'm gonna fucking that does the line and I sit back at the table and Buddy's like, you okay, man? I'm like, no, dude, I'm going to fucking die. My heart is going to fucking explode. You smoke pot, too?

I smoke pot. I'm cool on pot, but if I'm doing cocaine the two together is like the worst thing in the world. You get mad paranoid and all interviewed and you don't want to talk. No, I'm a pussy. No doubt. I'm a pussy. Yeah, you're a pussy. Have you ever killed a bird before?

Yeah, I'm a, yeah Wow, what happened? Brian, what's happening right now? We went on to murder Yeah, I've murdered birds Why? I was a kid with a BB gun and I was a piece of shit Wow

We all were at one point Oh, everyone's crying We all Sorry for the fictitious bird that you guys just met Yeah Didn't like that, they didn't like the bird murder. Okay, Russell. It was a fun time, dude.

You did it. We got through it. Thank you, guys. Appreciate you guys having me, man. You guys, thanks for coming out, man. There he goes. There goes Russell Samler. How did Joel go?

You got to take a little shit. Did he lose Joel? Oh, wow. Jeez Louise. Somebody had a... I think Joel had a little bit too much barbecue chow mein, huh? Yikes. That was good, though.

Heck yeah. Food here is amazing. How about putting a hand together for the Hong Kong Inn for having this here? Incredible. Legendary. Amazing staff. This place has been open for over 40 years. It's crazy.

It's so funny. Out of all the times, they've never been bartenders before, and we've definitely never had this show this close to an actual bar before. Oh, look who it is. Oh, God. Wow. Mr. Professional over here. Somebody put new beads in.

I just had a few too many Red Bulls before the show, and I had to let it go. Sorry. From Red Bulls to Brown Bulls. All right. I pulled another name out. Make some noise for Ben Rudy. I feel good.

Something in my gut tells me this is going to be interesting. Ben Rudy. Here he comes. Howdy there. So my girlfriend and I share a Netflix account. Well, she pays for it, so it's mostly hers. But I have the password, so we share it, you know. And I'm getting concerned because i see what she's watching

and it's like an alarming amount of murder documentaries it's really freaking me out like i don't know what the fuck she's doing like she have a weird murder fetish she want me to murder her i don't know i'm not down for that or even if she's, like, trying to murder me, and she's just studying what not to do, you know, where not to fuck up. I don't know, I'm terrified. I can't sleep over at her place anymore, you know. I got one eye open, constantly looking at her. I don't know.

When I practiced that, it lasted a minute, you know? As we all know, for men, sometimes it doesn't happen. Here you go. Ben Rudy. Ben, first time doing stand-up? Nah, I've been doing it for like a year in May. Been doing it for a year in May. Interesting.

You know, it's one of those things to where it's just sort of hard to believe that you're afraid that your girlfriend is going to kill you based on her watching that many documentaries. You know what I mean? Well, she's super like, she does yoga, and she's super like mellow in real life, but like she watches a lot of these murder documentaries. Wow. Have you done anything that it would make her want

to murder you? I mean I think I'm a pretty good person. You never know what other people think. Something very, you have a lot of like you have a weird Ted Bundy like twinged to you. I feel like you're the type of guy that murders your girlfriends and then goes to shows like this and talks about how you're afraid they're going to murder you.

Just have girls buried underneath sheds. If I would do it, I'd do it on the number one podcast, of course. Heck yeah. Number one live podcast. That's the most important part because that's the most important part because it's in front of a live audience and that's the word that

the asterisk is next to every time I say it. Gotcha. Gotcha. so tell us more about you ben you've been doing stand-up for a year what else give us the profile on a guy like you ben rudy looks like he uh plays himself in lacrosse it's like you throw it and then you run and then you catch it on the other side no i'm not real into running or anything like that. But I like getting high and playing a lot of video games, you know? Yeah? Like what? What video games? You look like the main character from Red Dead Redemption.

You look like your murderer name is Ashton Butcher, dude. Ashton Butcher. Ashton Butcher. How does that make you feel? I mean, Ashton Kutcher's a pretty handsome guy, so I feel pretty good about that.

Yeah, absolutely. So go ahead, Ben. Tell us about you. Like I do stand-up comedy. I mean, I'm trying to do stand-up comedy. How about for a living? You seem like what? You drive an ambulance?

I wish. Yeah? No, I work at a storage center place, man. Really? In the case of the William Montgomery's here, everybody. The great William Montgomery works at a self-storage facility. Is yours climate-controlled? Some buildings are.

Whoa, look at that. Not all, though, not all. How long have you been working in the storage business? For like a month and a half. Wow. Yeah. You seem so have you been working in the storage business? For like a month and a half. Wow. Yeah. You seem so excited you can barely contain yourself. Yeah.

I'm curious how long you've been possessed by the spirit of Matthew McConaughey. I mean, I work at a storage unit. I mean, I don't know. It's like, I've been doing stand-up for like a year and a half. I don't know. How long have you been with your girl? It'll be a year and a half. It'll be a year and a half as well. It'll be like a year and a half. How long have you been with your girl? It'll be a year and a half as well. It'll be like a year and a half.

How about hobbies and things that you do for fun? You play the acoustic guitar, right? No. Well, I do. You're damn right you do. But not like in a lame way, like douchey way. There's no other way How many pairs of cargo shorts do you own?

Yeah How many sweat lodges have you been to? I'm from Oklahoma man You ever do couples yoga where you have to hold your girlfriend up or some shit? Nah I ain't into that shit Then what are you into? What are your hobbies? Video game and smoking weed I don't into that shit. No? Then what are you into? What are your hobbies? Being a game and smoking weed. No, I don't believe it. I'm not buying it. I like playing

golf. Come on. There must be like a passion for you. Passion? There must be something. A goal, perhaps? Something that you've always wanted to do? Maybe something on your bucket list? Somewhere you want to go? Something you want to fucking do?

In your fucking life? In the whole world? With every option out do in your fucking life in the whole world with every option out there in the fucking universe. Do stand-up at the Hong Kong Inn was one of my lifelong goals. Boo. There is something in there.

I believe it was the great Phil Collins that said... It's black mold. Alright, Ben. What does your girlfriend do? It's black mold Alright Ben What does your girlfriend do? Well she works at a guitar factory That's where I met her She works at a guitar factory

You went there to buy a guitar one day No I worked there You're just stringing her along You worked there too at one point That was my last job I built acoustic guitars Did you get fired from there? No I quit

You quit On my two year review day Why did guitars. Did you get fired from there? No, I quit. You quit? On my two-year review day. Why did you quit on your two-year review day? Because I really hated the job. Yeah? Did you make a good scene out of it? Were you like, two-year review? How about fuck you?

I'm out of here. I quit, you fucking assholes. That's exactly how it went down. I've always hated this place. I took a guitar off the wall and I smashed it did you really? were you there Brian? yes

this is so weird I love this these are all the people that know that they would mentally break down at the comedy store so they just waited for us to have a kill Tony just barely outside of the intimidating walls of the comedy store they're like fuck fuck it, dude.

I'm gonna fucking sign up and I'll do it at the fucking Chinese restaurant. This is my calling. I would go to the comedy store if I was confident in my truck to make it there. You got a bad truck? What kind of truck do you have? Why do you call your girlfriend a truck?

She's starting to shake around 60, you know. Dude, it's time for you to buy a Lincoln. There he goes. Ben Rudy. On to the next one. Let's fly through it, shall we?

We're almost there. Am I to disagree? It is a very weird vibe tonight. Everybody's looking for something. Okay, I'm telling you, I feel it here. This seems like a good, positive, fun name. This seems like someone that has seen this show before

and understands what's going on. Make some noise for Artie Lopez, everyone. Artie Lopez. everyone. Artie Lopez. Wow, here he comes. Hell yeah. Come on, one more time, good and loud for Artie Lopez. We're here, baby.

We are here. I think this is the most people in this room that are not eating Chinese food right now. Seriously, this is the place I've only been to where I refuse to have the Chinese food here. I don't know what it is. I love it, man. I don't know. Also, as well, this is a Chinese spot, but they have Spain or Italy on the corner over here to the left. They don't change, man. I buy my drugs on the right in the parking lot. They don't change. I love this spot. I'm a caregiver, guys.

I'm a caregiver. I need this to go fucking well. Do you understand? I can't keep wiping asses, guys. I can't. I've wiped four today by 12 o'clock. Not one was mine, dude. I hate it.

They try to have a conversation with you while mid-wipe? It's like, dude, cut out the fucking peanuts, you know? Cut that shit out. Before I got that job, I had to do a lot of lying in interviews, like job interviews and shit. You guys have been there, right? This is how I knew the... This is how I knew the next job I was going to get was

going to work out. I put down that I spoke fluent Spanish. There you go. Is that it? Do you want to finish it? I put down that I spoke fluent Spanish, guys, and looking at me, you can clearly tell that I don't speak fluent Spanish.

I don't. So the guy's like, look, man, I'll give you the job. All you got to do is give me one sentence in Spanish. And I said, sí, you know, like, all right. I said, bienvenidos. Bienvenidos. Mi amor, Tudor Lopez. Because it works. Jesus Christ, dude.

How long is this fucking joke, dude? I said, bienvenidos. Mi amor, Tudor Lopez. Bajate los chones. Mi pene en tu boca. Was that it? Was that it? That was it?

Was that it? Look at me. Was that it? I clearly didn't get the job. That's it? Was that it? I clearly didn't get the job. Jesus fucking Christ, Artie Lopez.

Oh, you're going to be wiping asses for the rest of your life. Jesus. No, I'm just kidding. I like your style, dude. Artie. For those of you listening to the podcast, Artie looks like if you smashed together Wario and Bowser. Your favorite Wario games.

Did you wear camouflage shoes because if you can't see your feet, neither should we? No, actually that was Chroma Chris shooting a half court shot while no one was looking while the game was going down on the other

part of the court. It seemed like last call Tony. I figured get one in there. Wow. was going down on the other part of the court when you let a little kid on. It seemed like last call, Tony. I figured get one in there. Wow. Okay. So, Artie, let's talk about it. First time doing stand-up?

No, no. I've been doing it for a little bit of time. There was a part where you said you clearly look like you don't speak fluent Spanish, but meanwhile, I would guess that you speak fluent Spanish. Why do you think you look like you don't speak Spanish? Well, I mean, a lot of times, I just get

offered change when people see me. So, they don't ever say, like, oh, hey, como estas? Like, chicanos, or, you know, other paisas. You look like a big Mac shin Bronson big big Mac shin Bronson I've never heard well you said that what did you say was the peanut thing you had a peanut joke oh yeah like they try to have to have conversations with you when I'm wiping their ass.

But something about peanuts. Yeah, just cut out peanuts out of your diet. I've never seen an elephant mad at peanuts. And I looked him in the eyes. I looked him in the eyes. Joel's just a hater. Wow. Artie, you came out.

You said that you would never eat here, but you look like you would eat anywhere. You look like you eat at the Hong Kong Inn and the Hong Kong Out. What's your favorite food, Artie? Sushi. Sushi? Really? Wow. I didn't realize whales could be cannibals. I don't know. This is going really fucking well, man.

Come on. We let you do an extra three and a half minutes of stand-up comedy. How long have you been doing stand-up, Artie? About three years. How long have you been a caregiver? Like two years. I was an EMT beforehand. Oh, you were an EMT.

Did you drive an ambulance? Yeah, I was the... What made you get out of the EMT game? I got a DUI. Wow. You're welcome. Wow. Let me welcome. Wow. Let me ask you this.

Did you get a DUI in the ambulance? Because that would be fucking fun, right? Just flip on the lights and be like, I'm just saving somebody's life, officer. Get the fuck away from me. Wow. My goodness. How'd you get a DUI? You just got pulled over? Were you swerving lanes? They were behind you get a DUI?

You just got pulled over Just Where were you Swerving lanes They were behind you Like what happened there Yeah I had like a Like a taillight out And they just

Yeah they just Pulled me over God fucking damn it They got you good What did you have to drink That night Do you have a lot No mimosas

As bad as it sounds Man yeah What I had mimosas You had mimosas Yeah like The orange juice With like champagne Jesus As bad as it sounds, man, yeah. What? I had mimosas. You had mimosas? Yeah, like the orange juice with champagne. Jesus, the crowd went crazy for mimosas. Welcome to...

To be honest, it was all the white girls. Freaking out. Mimosas, yeah. How many mimosas does it take to get a guy like you drunk? 40. Well, I blew a.9, so. .9.

An orange tree's worth. Wow. Mimosas and poposas over here. All right, Artie. Anything else interesting about you

that we might find intriguing? I run a weekly book show here in Ventura, Jesus Cocktail. Is there anything that we might find

intriguing or interesting about you Devin Have you ever You know taking care of old people Have you ever had somebody older Ever come on to you while you're at work Good question

You ever been wiping somebody's ass And they're like hey Artie No not yet I think you missed a spot. Ma'am, that's your vagina. Oh, yeah, no, there's some poop up there. Wipe it again. You put

the toilet paper away. Just go for it, Artie. Heck, yeah. You might have a DUI, but do you ever have HPV? Huh? You ever get... Ma'am, I'm going to give you a baby wipe to finish yourself off.

I've fallen and I hope you can get up. Good thing you were in EMT already because I think you're about to get attacked by a mountain cougar. Ma'am, I don't feel comfortable being in the same room as you right now. Yeah, you missed another part of poop, though. Poop up, right?

All right. You ever see any good old lady tits? Have you ever seen any good old lady tits? Yeah. One of my favorite John Denver songs. Have you ever seen good old lady tits? Have you ever seen good old lady tits? Hey! Have you ever seen good old lady tits? Hey!

Good old lady tits? Sank a tank of lady tits? Have you seen good old lady tits? Old lady tits. Old lady tits. There he goes, Artie Lopez.

Artie motherfucking Lopez. From Artie to perhaps ending the party. What do you guys think? Should we go to the bucket one more time, huh? Hey, this is going to be it, Tony. This is going to be the one. I can feel it. This is the one. Let's feel it. This is the one.

Let's hope so. Oh, my goodness. Anything can happen. You know, there's a lot of famous musicians from Ventura. Tony Palermo. Anyway. See him at the book fair. Okay. This looks like an interesting name

make some noise for James Prison Bitch everyone oh get the fuck out of here this is the guy James Prison Bitch hell yeah dude come on he's your final comedian of the night. One more time for James Prison Bed.

What's up, Ventura? So, anybody here ever just give up on wiping their ass? I mean, I don't mean forever. This guy, he hasn't wiped in a year. I don't mean forever. I mean, you know, you sit down, you do your business, and you wipe seven or eight times. You look, because we all look. You're like, man, what's going on here? I'm late for work.

Fuck. About three, four more times, you do the math. You go, the next one would be clean. About an hour later, you're doing that itchy ass walk. About an hour after that, you're like, that's it. I gotta get in here and do work. You look around. Anybody looking? You drag your ass like a dog. I know you guys couldn't see that it was funny for them you couldn't see it that's why that's it uh that's why i use that's why i use baby wipes

i went to the i ran out of baby wipes i went to the store they had them on sale i got the 24 pack uh i got to the cashier. Come on, finish it now. She said, damn, how many kids you got? I looked her dead in the eye and said, none. I love it. One more time for stoned old Steve Austin everybody.

I love it. One more time for stoned old Steve Austin, everybody. I love it. Come on, put your hands together for Walter White Power, everybody. Here he is. Come on, this is his biggest moment. Let's put it this way. He'll never be the lead of a Jordan Peele movie. He went baby wipes when he should have said Mr. Clean. Look at that.

Man, it must be hard when you don't wipe your ass since you wear a lot of white sheets around town. There you go. My goodness, James. Fucking awesome. By the way, a little fun fact. When I went off on an ADD tangent earlier,

a few minutes into the show, and said, look at these interesting people, this was exactly the main guy that I was looking at. And I said, I mean, look, this is what it looks like. I mean, this is what Trevor looks like in Grand Theft Auto the guy that you switch over to him yeah I got my helicopter

and my airplane so tell us a little bit about your life I can literally tell from your bone structure that you've had an interesting life you signed up with your last name prison bitch so tell us about it yeah this show interesting life. You signed up with your last name, Prison Bitch.

So tell us about it. Yeah, this show's about to get a lot longer. Let's do it. Let's fucking close strong. Right? We're not ready to go home. By the way, after show at the sewer. Prison bitch. By the way, after show at the sewer.

Prison bitch. Are you speaking fucking local lingo on this show right now? Yeah. What is happening? And I'm not even from here. I just asked them. I was like, where's the dive bar? Wow.

Okay. So anyways. Tell us about it, James. I'm an alcoholic triathlete that's robbed a train. Wow. So that makes me Tiny Burt Kreischer. Wow. Tiny Burt Kreischer.

You're a triathlete, so that's what? Running, bicycling, swimming? God damn. You really do that regularly? Yes, yes, yes. And what happens if you don't do that? Do you get all mad and depressed and shit and want to hurt people? No. Get swastika tattoos?

Then that's when the drinking comes in. Right. You drink all the time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a lot of drinking. Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh.

A lot of drinking going on. Fuck yeah. What's your drink of choice? Whiskey and beer Together? Together Literally a Boilermaker Wow that's fucking incredible Tell us about this train you robbed

It was a freight train Okay so disclaimer I don't condone theft I was a piece of shit. It was 1994. But so anyways, it was a freight train, and you could just go. They pull up.

You could just open them. Right. First of all, no, you can't. Yeah, you can. Yeah, you can. You can, dude. Well, no, the reason you can't now is because of me. Right.

You could then. So anyways, it might be full of rigs. It might be full of TVs. We opened up one, and I just saw JBL boxes. JBL. Wow. Sweet. And it turns out it was all light bulbs.

But that's okay because I was smoking meth. Wow. Crowd goes crazy for meth, ladies and gentlemen. That's official. All the stereotypes you've heard of Ventura before. Yeah, Ventura. Ventura, California. Yeah.

Wow. So, man. Yeah. Wow. So, man, so you get all these light bulbs, then what? Did you get in trouble for that? No, I never got caught for that. But what did you get caught for? Your last name's Prison, bitch. Yeah, correct. Yeah.

Correct. What happened? Birth name, John Malkovich. No. Malkovich. Malkovich. james tell us sorry uh but my last name is prismich and so about seventh eighth grade they figured out like prisonage prismich prismich yeah started calling you prison yeah yeah like stuck with it and it's bad when you walk into the pub and everybody's like prison bit like norm you know like yeah like, yeah. Wow. That's crazy.

But so I got, I did do meth for six months when I was 20 years old and that's it. Yeah, right. I'm not. And end up going to prison over it. You did? Yeah. My goodness. How long were you in prison for? Two years. Wow. What did you do. Any highlights there? Stick with my question over here. I knew you were going to fucking... I love that these people...

Also, the guests tonight have been answered more of the audience's questions than mine. Any highlights of your two-year trip? Fucking... Fucking...? Fucking no. Really? Just two years? You never had to do a solitary confinement where they make you sit alone and play solitaire the whole time? No, no, no, no, no.

Probably the highlight was I had a – there was some consensual prison sex going on over there. Yeah. Over there. Yeah. And my body. Way over there. Way over there. Right underneath where you just pointed.

Yeah, right. Say it slower. Yeah, wherever that guy is talking shit. Over by him. Yeah. Yeah. And my home, I guess there was an odor in the air, and my homie went over to say,

hey, can you fucking cut that out? Right, smells like shit. Right, right, right. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, dude, you guys are butt fucking. Right. In a prison cell, and it smells.

It's true. We're supposed to be cellmates, not smellmates. That's what I would say. If I was in a prison, I'd sit there and I'd go, hey! Hey, stop it over there! Guys, please! If you were in a prison cell, you'd be going,

wait, no, stop it, guys! What are you doing? Wait, stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Tony would just... Tony would just, like, turn sideways and slide right between the two. Yeah, hey, break it up, you two. Break it up with my butthole right now.

Break it up. If Tony was in a prison cell, he would shut the fuck up and do what he's told. That's what you would be saying. Yeah, you think that? You know what? Just to prove you wrong, I'm gonna buttfuck you right now in front of all these people.

Andy kept it clean so it's not gonna stink. Turn you into a prison bitch once and for all. You're gonna be his prison bitch cliff, dude. Hey, how did the episode of Ventura for Kill Tony end?

It ended in butt sex. Yes. I've always had a thing for all the guys that my mom dated after my father. Look, I'm going to lay some... I know you're not used to having a dad around, so I'm going to lay some ground rules right now.

Your mom tells me you've been acting up in school. I'm going to shut the fuck up. That was my whole childhood. Then you buttfuck them? Yes, and then I buttfuck them. Wow. Do you have any kids? No, zero kids. Who's that guy you're hanging out with over there?

Looks like another pro wrestler. I can't figure out which one. It's a whole gang. You and your friends are pro wrestlers. Not you, 8th grade basketball players. Shut the fuck up. Bunch of dorks. I love it. Look at this.

This is Baron Trump in three years, by the way, if you're wondering. Oh, God. Can we boo this guy? This is unbearable Trump. Boo! Boo! Yes, they're booing an audience member right now. So, no kids.

You have a girlfriend? I just broke up with a cop. Oh, wow, bro. You were dating a real cop? Yes. Damn, look at that. Role play. Literally.

Is it hot? It was. It was. I would make her come home and leave her uniform on. Wow. Hell yeah. True story. My goodness.

How long were you two together? 18 months. 18 months. And then you broke it off. How'd you do that? I told her that I was just going to end up hurting her eventually, and so I might as well hurt her less now than more later. And then you punched her in the face.

I don't want this to hurt. This is going to hurt a little bit. Yeah. My goodness. Did she take it hard? She did. Yes. She did. She took it hard. How do you break up with a cop? Are you like, I'm going to need you to turn in

your badge and your gun? Did she ever look shit up on you? Was it kind of creepy? You would notice cops following you and stuff? I don't think so, but she probably did. She didn't take it well, huh? No, she didn't take it well. She's like, what are you going to do?

Go break into a fucking train, you asshole? Yeah. Yeah. She said, are you going to do? Go break into a fucking train, you asshole? Yeah. Yeah. No. She said, are you going to go back to Tinder? And I was like, yeah. Yeah, basically. Basically, I am, yeah.

What happens when she pulls you over, dude? Right. I'm going to jail. I'm going back. Is that a thing? Do you live in the area where she's a cop? I do. Oh, my goodness.

You're going to fall right into a speed trap. Yeah. What do you drive? What kind of pickup do you have? Exactly. That's right. Do you have a pickup truck? I do.

Wow. And let me guess this as well. I'm guessing that you have a dirt bike or a motorcycle that doesn't work, but you have it because you're going to get the part to fix it eventually. Am I close to right on this? No? So close. Oh, but man, I would have

spiked this microphone and ran to the back. Thank you, good night! You ever use her baton thing inside of her? Like that big stick thing? You did, didn't you? No, but I thought about it. Wow.

But you've cuffed her before with her own cuffs, right? I got a question. What race was she? She's white. Wow. Makes sense. Have you ever been with a woman from any other race? I have.

Yeah? Yeah. Currently. When I say any other race, you know I'm not talking about the triathlons, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I have. So what are we talking about? What race have you been with?

Well, it's kind of weird. Off-white, peach. Yeah, right. A girl that suffered from jaundice for a week. An albino black woman. When you say it's weird, what do you mean? Because my little sister is half black and half white. And I happen to be...

When you say sister... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Only half. But I happen to be attracted to half white, half black women. Wow! Look at that. So how long have you been fucking your sister for? Right.

Yeah. Now, have you been with a half-black, half-white woman? Yeah. But not full black. That's where you draw the line. Right. Hey, Tony. I'll get kicked out of the prison, gang.

Let's not get crazy here. Right. So, wow. Yeah. I'll get kicked out of the prison gang Let's not get crazy here Right So wow Has that only happened once Where you've been with a half black woman No multiple times Damn so you sort of hunt them out huh Nah I think that They can tell

Right yeah They know what the fuck's going on Heck yeah My goodness Wow Yeah. Yeah. They know what the fuck's going on. Yeah. Heck yeah. My goodness. Wow. And I think it's a little fantasy for them, too. Yeah.

No, definitely. Because they're getting fucked by the guy that looks like he would be lighting a cross on fire in their front yard. Yes. Yeah. Correct. My goodness. Correct. Well, this is fucking awesome, dude. I mean, you're interesting as fuck.

Anything else? Any other fun facts about you before we get you out of here? I mean, this is just a dream come true. I ride your dick, your dick. Jeremiah Wonders. Like, fucking, yeah. Dude, kill motherfucking Tony. Yeah.

Well, you did it here tonight, dude. You brought it all to a big crescendo. Thank you. Thank you so much. One more time for James Prison Bitch, everybody. And we did it. That is an episode live from Ventura. A very interesting episode.

Powerful, powerful turnout audience-wise, passion-wise. You guys have so much energy. I don't think... This was almost like an episode of Jerry Springer or something like that. It's a few times where I felt like some fights were going to start in the audience.

I'm glad that we made it out of this safe and sound. And who knows? Maybe we'll come back again to the Hong Kong Inn, huh? Yeah! safe and sound and who knows maybe we'll come back again to the Hong Kong end, huh? In the meanwhile the whole thing just keeps rolling along. It never ends. St. Louis, West Nyack, La Jolla, New York City, San Francisco,

Sacramento, Dan Soder and Louis J. Gomez on Monday. The new Feminist Stacey t-shirts available at jeremiahwalkins.com. Get your caveman coffee. Try Infinite CBD. Go to BetDSI. Use Kill Tony for all those amazing things.

And, uh, yeah. Alright. Thanks a lot, guys. Thank you, live audience. Have a great night, everybody. Good night. We love you. Thank you. thank you live audience have a great night everybody good night we love you oh goodness this is gonna rockご視聴ありがとうございました you