KILL TONY - KILL TONY #37

Episode Date: February 15, 2014

Mike Lawrence, Fahim Anwar, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Black Patriot, Brian Redban – Date: 02/10/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Please check out our website for all our live shows, including La Jolla. We are coming to the Comedy Store down there in San Diego. It's going to be February 28th. We have two shows, two comedy shows. We're bringing a bunch of comics. It's going to be like Eleanor. It's going to be me and Ryan Mervis and Tony Hinchcliffe and it's just gonna be a big gang of people and then the following day we have three shows we have a Kill Tony live podcast that's right we're bringing Kill Tony to the La Jolla Comedy Store so if you're an open mic-er

or everything get there sign up so you can do a spot and that starts at six o'clock is what time the show starts and uh if you buy a ticket to the kill tony show which is uh twenty dollars you get into one of the comedy shows later for free so it's kill tony at six o'clock and then we have a comedy show uh i believe it's at eight o'clock and then we have another one at 10 30 so if you buy a kill tony ticket you get into one of the comedy shows later if you want, or you could just go to any of the shows, like the 8 o'clock or the 10 o'clock, 10.30 show. So again, that's February 28th and March 1st. That's Friday and Saturday.

We're bringing Kill Tony and a bunch of people, all the girls, and Sarah Weinshank and Kimberly Congdon. Everyone's coming down. Josh Martin. So get your tickets. Go to DeathSquad.TV for all the tour dates. And also, very, very soon, our Northwest Death Squad Tour is going on sale. And it's going to be April 18th in Portland, April 19th in Seattle, and April 20th, 420, in Vancouver, Canada.

And so that Death Squad Northwest tour should be going on sale soon. Just go to DeathSquad.TV for all your tickets. And don't forget ShopSquad.TV. That's where we have the official Kitty Kat t-shirt and Death Squad stickers. And again, that's ShopSquad.tv. That's where we have the official KittyKat t-shirt and Death Squad stickers. And again, that's ShopSquad.tv. This episode, my MP3 recorder that I've been using for four years, my little Tascam, died. It showed that it was recording and everything seemed fine, but it never recorded the set. and everything seemed fine, but it never recorded the set.

So this podcast is using the audio from the video camera, which isn't good at all. But luckily, it sounds better than I feared. So this episode's a little sketchy, but it's okay. And if you want to watch the video version, that might be better. This episode had a lot of breakdowns in it and a lot of crazy shit. So this is a crazy episode. Anyways, let's get to it. Here's the new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Redman coming to you from the world famous famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hensley! Yay, everybody! How you guys doing tonight? Happy Monday! Fuck yeah! Some of you are stoned as fuck, some of you are reactive. I can tell who's who. I'm guessing you two are stoned as fuck. Some of you are reactive. I can tell who's who. I'm guessing you two are stoned as fuck.

Am I right? Fuck yeah. Can't even believe. How did I know? Welcome, everybody. Happy Monday to you. I believe this is episode 37 of Kill Tony. Happy to be here.

Another Monday in a row. A lot of fun stuff happening. I just finalized everything today. We are going to La Jolla Comedy Store on March 1st for the first ever Kilt Tummy on the Road. It's happening. 6pm. La Jolla Comedy Store. We set a record. One of our, actually I believe it's a record. 39 people signed up tonight for the opportunity to do a minute and chat with us and our very very hilarious guests that we're gonna bring out in a sec what's happening with you Brian Redman nothing a little disappointed my masseuse

is not here I invited this nice little 20 year old Korean 20 I think so how could she not get into the comedy store she's 20 why I got her an ID. Ooh! There you go. Yeah, it's weird man, like Asians... I have no better name to go there. Lot easier for them to get fake IDs I found out. Not going there, I just said too much. Oh because they all look the same. No, I didn't say that. But it was really easy to do. It's amazing. That's so sad that your masseuse couldn't make it. Yeah. It sucks.

Hopefully this story will end up having a happy ending. Maybe she'll end up being here. Pitch that one right to you. Exactly. Set it up, I'll knock him down. We should bring up a friend of the show, friend of Death Squad, Missy Martinez, has been in the hospital for the last four or five days. She has a gland infection in her mouth.

Her face is all fucked up. She looks like a chipmunk. So hit up her Amazon wishes. Throw her some love. Buy her something. She made her stand-up debut on this show and killed. She's been on twice and she's destroyed both times. I remember very specifically.

So shout out to Missy X Martinez. Always always cool, fun person. What else? I had a big audition today that I can't talk about. So exciting though. And it went so well. You know what might happen though? We can't talk about what it is but

if you get this, we're going to have to figure out what's going on with Kill Tony. We're gonna have to figure out everything. We're gonna have to have a Tony replacement. Well, if this thing happens, Kill Tony is gonna be bigger than ever. Right. We could do... Eventually it will be, yeah. We're gonna be at the Staples Center. Sorry, sorry Monday Night Raw, you're gonna have to go to the forum. Kill Tony's at the Staples Center this Monday. Yeah, that's very exciting. I can't wait to- Yeah. Like, March we could probably talk about it maybe? Yeah, I have two months until the callback for this thing and so I have two months to prepare, but if I get it, man, it's fucking game over.

I swear to God, it's the craziest thing. game over. I swear to God, it's the craziest thing. So if anybody that knows me knows how braggadocious I am and how badly I want to talk about what I did today is unbelievable, but I can't talk about it. That's how the universe works. You finally do something so cool that it makes your head want to explode and you can't even fucking talk about it it's insane anyway i'm happy how things are now i'm content even if i don't get it because i have so much fun here on monday nights and uh you know for those of you that followed the show a few weeks ago our head of security for 34 episodes the iron patriot quit the show said he got too big for the show that when uh comedy central wants to have the show that he'll come back that he got too big for the show that when Comedy Central wants to have the show

that he'll come back, that he'll be waiting by the phone. But until then, he quit the show. And so what we decided was that we were going to start having replacement Iron Patriots each week. We had the Iron Josh. We had the Iron Patriot, our friend Pete, and this week's no different. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce to you our first ever African American Patriot.

It's the Dark Patriot, everybody! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!! Oh! Oh! he's throwing out the beams. He just threw out the beams. Here he is. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, the Dark Patriot. Happy Black History Month. Yes, that's exactly it. It's Black History Month. How are you doing today, Dark Patriot? I feel swell. Did you take the bus here? The Iron Patriot used to take the bus here because he had a big uniform that he couldn't sit down in. I decided to ride with Ryan Mervis.

Oh, interesting. A little bit of an inside reference. You remember Mervis as the stand-in Patriot, the backup Patriot. Is that me? Probably. And you have a bigger microphone than you have the stand-in patriot, the backup patriot. Is that me? Probably. And do you have a bigger microphone than your other stand-in patriots? Our first African-American patriots bringing the feedback. And I absolutely love how your fro sticks out of the top of the helmet. I mean, if the original Iron Patriot with his racist antics was still here, I think he would literally blow a fuse.

Is that really how long your arms are? Your arms are almost touching your knees. That's like really freaking me out. I'm the NBA version of the Iron Patriot. It really is un-fucking-believable. How is that possible? No, wait. What is that optical illusion that's taking place right now? Do you have really long arms, Willie? I mean, dark patriot?

I'll escape it away. Almost gave it away. Almost, huh? I just have very long limbs. Wow, fuck yeah. I like African American Patriots. Thank you. Now, one of the things that the Iron Patriot used to do

is he would sing a song once, Noel, and you actually sent in a little diddly to us. Was there something you wanted to sing tonight? Sure, yes. Okay, well, are you ready? We'll hit the music for you. Hit it, Maestro.

All right, let's see what this is. A Dark Patriot special. Oh, shit. Oh. Oh. Do you want me to play a classic? Very mobile. Oh, I guess this is the instrumental version of this song.

She was more like a beauty queen, instrumental version I am the one. Wanna dance, wanna flow, and I'm out. I just like this part right here. People always told me, you can't tell me what to do. Just go around breaking young girls hearts. And tomorrow I will show you, tell you what to do. It starts right now. You can't tell me what to do. Cause I'm not the kind to keep you. It starts right now. People always told me to be careful what you do.

And mother always told me to be careful who you love. The dark patriot waiting for you. A little bit of hell of an effort. That's such a long version. That is a long version. I was not same thing. It's been a hell of an effort. It's a long version. It is a long version. I was not expecting that. But I stuck with it, though. I love it. You're damn right. You stayed in the pocket.

That YouTube version of that karaoke song was a little misleading. Fuck yeah. But hell of an effort. One more time for the Dark Patriot. Well, amazingly enough, the format of the show isn't even about our head of security. That's just an added bonus. What we really have here is a bunch of comedians that signed up for the chance to do a minute on the stage. And I always have two of my very funniest friends join me to help me along with that process. This week is always no different.

Two of our favorite guests that we've ever had on this show. Two of the funniest comedians that I know. Put your hands together for Mike Lawrence and Fahim Anwar, everybody. Fuck yeah. Oh, man. Mike, you're back. Thank you. Give it up for Tyler Perry's Tron, everybody.

I love the front because it looks like what Maya Angelou would look like if she was wearing that. I know why the iron bird sings. Thank you, Michael. I appreciate that. Oh, that okay I've worked at McDonald's for seven years every time he talks it just sounds like

an angry customer customers robbing your McDonald's easy there it's funny to every time you call them dark patriot it just gets slightly more racist thing right every time you say the word dark patriot that's one more time you call him Dark Patriot, it just gets slightly more racist. Every time you say the word Dark Patriot, that's one more time you have to go see Ride Along. Just so you know. It's already better than the old one. I saw the old one walking here, and it might have been one of the saddest things I've ever seen. Walking on the freeway. The two iconic L.A. moments

are someone face-up drowning in a pool, and a guy in an Iron Patriot suit walking at 7.30 p.m. Like, as beautiful as the sunset is, that's how ugly he was walking here. Yeah, it's always a very sad waddle that he put on.

Oh, yeah. It's really sad. I've had so many requests on Twitter to have you guys back on. I'm so glad that... Two! Two requests. They were from our Facebook. They were from you guys. Dark Patriot, do you have any questions

for our guests tonight? Classic Patriot tradition. Are you prepared for this? I do. Is this Dick talking? Or is this just us? Mike, I didn't know that you started comedy very young. How old were you? Can you tell the audience? I'm 31. Well that surprised me. Can you tell me why the Iron Patriot wears Nike shoes? I thought he was more of a Reebok guy. I'm endorsed by Nike. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Eight years. That's it? Yeah. Wikipedia lied because it said you started when you were 15. No, I didn't. I think he looked up a different Mike Lawrence. Another Mike Lawrence in comedy? I think he's using the Wikipedia interface in his machine right now. And that's giving him false information.

That's it. I apologize. That was a good question. Do you have one for Fahim? I do. Fahim, you dance a lot. What do you think of my performance, what I just did with Michael Jackson? I mean, you're limited with space, so you did good with what you had.

I like the band movements. You jumped in a little early, I believe. It turns out prescription medicine saved him from having to see that. So the medicine did work. What kind of prescription medicine? That Michael Jackson overdosed on. Oh, yeah. MJ would be rolling in his grave.

Was that too obscure of a reference to how Michael Jackson Michael Jackson fans out there it's true you're like the iron pedophile up here it's great it's fantastic that's why it was funny

when you were like I've got this gig and I can't talk about it it's gonna happen I was like defense attorney for Woody Allen I hope so if I get that gig and I can't talk about it, it's gonna happen. I was like, defense attorney for Woody Allen? I don't think so. If I get that gig as Woody Allen's defense, I mean, that's just a career change. Because the prosecutor has the easiest job.

He literally just has to go, look at him. I'm done. I know, that really is interesting to me. Like, I always think, you know, maybe Woody Allen, you know, maybe the wife's lying maybe that's just a way to get back at him for hooking up with the Asian but then you look at a picture an HD picture of Woody Allen and you're just like this guy's a fucking pedophile well it would be so bad if he gave the opportunities that

Asian women in films that he doesn't cause it I feel like the world everyone world would be a better place. It's great. Everyone just sighed, but then one person ripped up their notes like, ah, fuck. It begins. Oh, your pussy, it's so great. I mean, I just could just imagine Woody Allen just talking to a little kid's voice. His wife's like, when will this be over? And he's like,

soon, ye. Soon. That is awesome. Well, you guys know how the show goes. We have a bunch of comedians that signed up for the chance to do one. Please tell me Henry Rollins is getting on. I fucking love your early works. There is a guy

that looks exactly like Henry Rollins that comes by here sometimes. It's just some coked up doppelganger. It's really interesting. I've seen people just... Was that you? that comes by here sometimes. And it's just some poked up doppelganger. It's really interesting to, I've seen people just, was that you, somebody bet you 20 bucks that that wasn't Henry Rollins and you took it,

they had to give you? What is that on your, is that a Frankenberry on your arm? What is that tattoo? Oh, it's for my daughter. It's a monkey. He's like, respond to that motherfucker. Give me a hug and a flexion. I can't daughter. It's a monkey. He's like, respond to that, motherfucker. He's got a lot of reflection.

I can't see what he's doing now. And while he showed it, he also flexed his bicep. Like, do you really want to fuck with this tattoo? And then afterwards, he's like, it actually is Frankie Berry. And I'm like, why did you say it was for your daughter? Because I'm a liar! Well, guys, you guys get to do 60 seconds if you're picked. You know that your 60 seconds is up when you hear the meow of the kitty.

Aw, how adorable. That means your time's up. Don't go much longer after that or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Yikes. Has that gotten more tense than last time? I don't recall it. Yeah, it definitely did. Even though that West Hollywood bear

is legally able to get married now, he's still angry. He's actually angrier for some reason. It's very bizarre. So let's do it. You guys ready to get this thing started? Episode 37 of Kill Tony. 39 people signed up.

Our first ever African American Patriot. This is exciting. And your first comedian is Brad Sachs. Thank you. Thank you, guys. Thank you. Last year was good for me. I got engaged to be married. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you guys, thank you. Last year was good for me. I got engaged to be married.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Who else fucked up their life last year? Just me? Yeah, I said to my fiance, hey, can we make a sex tape before we get married? She was like, absolutely. Who's gonna play you?

Like, she's casting. Yeah. you like she's casting yeah I've been engaged for a year now and I remember I love to see my fiance about a year ago you know now one year later if I'm driving home and I get home like tonight and her car's there, I'll just keep driving. Just around the block, guys. Thank you. No, thank you, guys. I appreciate you. Wow.

Interesting. That's awesome. It's like the haircut and the anger. It's like you look like a music teacher who really fucking hates their job. When someone fucking plays the trombone one more time. It's just going to roll. Was it angry? Yeah, I mean, it went from jokes to you just really hate your fiancé

and what your life has become. Does she listen to podcasts? I hope not. She's like, we're a year in. Just a year. No, no, it's not that bad. Sometimes. It sounds horrendous, man.

What are you doing? What are you talking about? She's willing. It wasn't even that way. The last thing you said wasn't even a joke. You were just venting anger. She's willing to marry Art Garfunkel. Maybe I should reconsider.

Wait, is this a girl that you met in Ohio, then you came out here with her? Oh, no. He's like, I go to open mics to make fun of her, and she goes to her Narcotics Anonymous meetings to make fun of me. And that's how we stay together.

So how long have you been dating her uh we've been dating over four years i've known her about four and a half five years how long have you been in la i've been here uh going on 17 years wow yeah i've been here for a while been here for a while okay where'd you why are you engaged to her? Love? Really? No, no it isn't. Good save, buddy. No, no, no, it isn't. He's like, why are they questioning the hate speech I just spewed? Hitler, why exactly do you hate the Jews?

Well, you know, sometimes they smell. No, no, no, I do love her. She's wonderful and she's been wonderful for my life. It really is like a Hitler. But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, sometimes they smell. No, no, no, I do love her. She's wonderful, and she's been wonderful for my life.

It really is like a Hitler situation. Like, I feel like if we pulled Hitler out of this bucket pre-Holocaust, he would just do material about how, I'm not saying I hate the Jews, but I'm saying that when I see one, I just drive around the block for a few more times. I mean, she's willing to take the last name Saks. I would not judge her so harshly. And if you're watching this at home you can't tell because the camera's like behind you, but you were winking at us when you said that you loved her and everything. I was gonna wink. That was a scratch.

She's at her job waitressing at Denny's right now going, I was gonna wink. That was a scratch. She's at her job waitressing at Denny's right now going Brad loves me and that keeps me going on and that fucking bitch her vagina is an abyss and I'm Sandra Bullock trying to get home in it. I have a question.

Yes sir, Tony. Do you really really think that you should marry this chick or do you think that you should marry this chick? Or do you think that you won't have another chance to get somebody as cute as she is? Or do you get... Serious question, it's not meant to be funny, little blonde cokehead girl, just relax. No, I think I could find someone else for sure. Big city, LA and everything. But I just, I question if marriage is for me.

I just don't know if it's for me. It's just not for me. I'm being honest. Are you a pastor about this? Not really. So you're just going to... What? There's nothing wrong with that. It's a good guy.

It's okay. What do you mean there's nothing wrong with him? You're about to... What is her name? I want to save her. I know. I know that you didn't open mic the proposal, but you're already open mic-ing the divorce. Yeah.

Now, I mean, so do you have a date set for this wedding? For the wedding? No, not a date. About a year. About one year. One year from now. One year, probably in March, next March. Did you just think of this?

No, no. You thought about it? Did I think about it right now? You made the decision to marry her a year from now. Does she speak English? Oh yeah, we're engaged. I bought her a ring and now. Does she speak English? Yeah, oh yeah, we're engaged. I mean, I bought her a ring and everything. Does she speak English?

She does speak English, yeah. Is her native country the United States? She was born in LA, right here in West LA. Oh, wait a second, I think I might know what it is. Is she the sugar mama? No, I mean, she does better, she does a little better than me. Is she supporting you doing stand-up? No, I mean, she... You have she does a little better than me. Is she supporting you doing stand-up? No, I mean, she... You have absolutely got to dump this bitch.

Absolutely, no doubt about it. I'm telling you right now. No, no. He doesn't really, he probably doesn't want him to do stand-up. She's probably sitting somewhere listening to this, crying her eyes out. This is probably what she says, I bet you go out there every night and you just talk about how you don't want to marry me. No, I do bits about Snuggies and people like it. Listen, she's very supportive.

I don't want to take up all the time, man. No, I want to keep you up to date. There's a lot of comics in the room. This may be the longest relationship you're in. We're teaching you about commitment. That's good. No, no, I truly think it's just hard. I don't think... I just turned 40 and I'm like, there's just no way I can be with one woman for the rest of my life.

I just don't think it's... You mean you can't be with one woman for the next 15 years? Right. For the next six months? Yeah. If the one woman's going to kill you in a few years, then I'd say it's probably not worth it. You definitely need to talk to her about all this because...

You think so? Wait, why are we... This is not a fucking conference. It's a great twist. It's a great twist. She's a temper. You know what? She does not. She's a great twist. Does she have a temper? You know what? She does not.

She's so even-tempered and calm that that's the good part. What's the most negative thing about her? What's the thing? You're writing it because now all of a sudden you're backtracking. She's not going to find out about this. Does she like the Red Hot Chili Pepper Super Bowl performance? Because if she did leave her, that's a deal-breaker. Totally. I mean, I don't know know what's the best thing about wait here's a good

question how many times a week do you have sex that's one of the things we there's not much sex it's not that's the problem I'm more of a sexual person. A sexual person. Yeah. Look, there's, I don't... Once a month? Well, you know, it depends. It depends. It's a complicated story.

There's a lot of... There's so much going on. They already saved the date for when they have sex next. Next March. I don't know. It's a... I don. They already saved the date for when they have sex next. Next March. I don't know. It's, uh... I don't want to talk about it. I feel very guilty taking up all the comics.

I love that you keep trying to dismiss yourself. This is great podcasting. I'm sorry to tell you. So do you think we're going to do something very soon? I mean, because obviously you're telling me... Oh, my God. You know what? I don't know. I'm're going to do something very soon? I mean, obviously you're telling me. You know what? I don't know.

I'm not going to do anything. I don't want to. I'm not jeopardizing anything. I'm just viewing my thoughts. That's all. I want to. I try to be honest. I mean, you come up here on stage.

I love that. You need to make yourself as vulnerable as you can. And I can't live my life if I can't be honest about my thoughts. The greatest thing would be if her name was in this book. If she was the dark patriot all along. Is that you, Patricia? Get out!

I've got some jokes. That's what she would say. Brad. Yes. Look, what about this material? We should like... Well, that's the thing, is that either you really like her

or you really don't. Right. I mean, I do a lot of material that's not as... I mean, it's more funny than, hey, I really hate my viewers. Constructively, one thing I will say is like, once we started scratching the surface and finding out what's really going on,

that's far more interesting than, I go around the block, take my wife please type stuff. Yeah, right, right, right, right, for sure. That's real shit. This is real shit. That can be mined for like, you know, better comedy, yeah. Yeah, right. Of course, just gotta find the funny about it. mined for like, you know, better comedy. Yeah, right.

Of course. Just got to find what's funny about it. It's more specific. Specificity is better than just generalization. And a lot of it was wired in there. I mean, a lot of it we talked about. You should be talking about how, I mean, you're barely getting laid once a month now, and you're not even married yet.

And that's a premise that people can't cover. You're engaged, and you're barely getting laid right or not not enough it varies but I'm sure it stings knowing that tens of thousands of people are listening to this right now this does she make you happy? Are you happy when you're with her? Look, look, she really does. Well, here's the thing. Comedy never will. Comedy will never make you happy.

I'm engaged, man, because this will never fucking fulfill you. You'll always be sad and angry and depressed. And you've got somebody that loves you. No, no, no. I totally agree with that. I wanted to see what he would do if he clapped the picture would clap and it would start an electrical fire what if one tear just comes out of the

front of the face does she not have enough penis for you maybe another one a gay twist oh no no I'm sorry Brad I would delve into all that real stuff

a lot more. There's a lot going on there. Yeah. Instead of beating around the bush. Yeah, exactly. I would write down all the stuff

that you don't want her to hear and make that shit funny. And then never hear it before your wedding. And do that same 60 seconds. I'd like to fuck half of Los Angeles. What do you think of that? And do that same 60 seconds

to your therapist tomorrow. Right. there he goes Brad Sacks everybody he's on twitter Brad Sacks S-A-C-H-S he's been on the show

a few times I'm also going to give out his fiance's twitter handle that's big booty no sex that's

why am I doing this at hotmail.com? That's depressing, because I've been in that situation. I dated a girl for eight years and moved out here with her. And immediately when you move out, you see all these beautiful women. So she gave me an ultimatum. Like, look, we've been dating for eight years. We've got to do something now.

And so we got engaged, and I just remember being in the same situation like I'm not going to do this I there was no difference between how I felt like a week ago until now I'm not excited about this wedding at all and I was like going to just go through with it man I was going to do the same thing I was just going to do it too because I didn't want to break up it would be easier just to do it get a divorce later so what is the deal with all these these ugly people thinking like pretty people all right if someone accepts you fucking take it because it may not happen again also say that

every single ex-girlfriend usually is always an improvement over the girlfriend before. And if you ever go the opposite way, you're doing it wrong. Yeah, it's tough. But also realize that if you're a 31-year-old bearded man with stained glasses and you say, I'm going to go see the Lego movie

and a girl says, that's cool. Have fun. That is a glass says, that's cool, have fun. That is a glass slipper that will never appear again. You better fucking put it on. I'm almost 40 and this is who I was with last night. Oh my God, Brian. That's why you don't get married. You are the biggest 12-year-old I've ever hung out with.

By the way, these are my sisters. Too soon, too soon. Your next comedian, everybody. Let's move along from this love story. Thanks a lot, Brad Sacks, for bringing your shitty relationship. Yeah! Put your hands together for Teresa Sigmund. Sigmund Sigmund.

This set was an argument you'd overhear at an Olive Garden. Yes. It's Teresa, but it doesn't matter. You all know how kids are really honest, brutally honest. So my son overheard me practicing. I was practicing. I worked for a lawyer. I was practicing oral argument.

And he's asking me, Mommy, who are you talking to? I'm like, nobody. Why, baby? Who are you talking? Yeah, I'm comparing you to oral argument. Do you remember Mommy works for a lawyer? He's like, what does that mean? He's like, acting. Okay. A couple of weeks later, our guests from Europe come. And they're running the sightseeing, and there's some homeless guy going off on somebody. And my son goes, Mommy goes mommy's acting like you He's doing the acting and the European friends are like what what this is homeless guy going completely crazy My son compares me to that. I'm like no no there's no acting and he's

What are you doing? And I don't want him to know for priorities. I don't want to know I'm doing this whole lawyer thing So I'm like I don't do acting now and then it can be acting it's like acting like that being the homeless guy was a lot work less worse than doing acting you know I thought I just I'm pretty sure the bear just ate a horse. Shit. She teaches dance at the same school Brad teaches at Music Act, so that's good. We're getting an episode of Glee tonight. This is nice. Therese Via? How do I?

Terese Via. Can you talk into the mic? How long have you been doing stand-up? No, no, I'm here tonight because I bumped into this place. Oh, cool. Interesting. First time? Well, people always say there's no funny Germans, and I just like to show that everybody's right. That was the closest thing we've ever gone to an apology for the Holocaust.

Don't go there with the Germans. We're very sorry about that. That is, you know, it's funny to me. Well, you learned some of their ashes on your scarf, so that's our church they were doing I mean are you when you say our church are you mispronouncing Auschwitz that they were doing in this an American said church, they were saying, they were praising, I'm a Christian, they were praising,

you know, God. And I was just like, I couldn't do that. I know. And I just thought, you know, I'm like,

I'm a German, it's so ingrained in me not to do, and I just can't be doing my hand like that. I'm not even, I'm not, I just,

that is just not, like you can't see a German do that praising God. So I was just not doing it. They looked at me like, what are you doing? And I'm like, no,

not that part. like no not that part no I give I give that joke 99 red red love balloons out of 100 I love that so how long have you if you live you've lived you were born and raised in America no Germany for how long how How long have you been in LA? Five years, seven years. Yeah, how about that? There you go. Who are like a psychic with psychic balls.

I smell my own. What? He knows a lot about European ladies. Ah. You know what I'm saying? Oh, he did? Have you ever been to Redmine? What?

What? What? V-A-T, what? Okay, how do you pronounce Wilshire? Wilshire. Oh my God. Wilshire? We must go to the Wilshire. I think Wilshire is where Magneto's parents were murdered.

What's Wilshire? Everybody says, Wilshire, Wilshire. It's Wilshire, and when I tried to order pizza, it was Wilshire. It's Wilshire. It's Wilshire. It's Wilshire. It's Wilshire. It's Wilshire.

It's Wilshire. It's Wilshire. It's Wilshire. It's Wilshire. It's Wilshire. It's Wilshire. It's Wilshire. It's Wilshire. It's Wilshire. It's Wilshire. It's Wilshire, you know why everybody says Wushu, Wushu. It's Wilshire and when I try to order pizza it's like nobody knows it's true.

The pizza is baked in the oven. And I say it's between Sunset and Santa Monica. They're like, you mean Wushu? I'm like it's Wilshireilshire, so, you know. I go to my favorite pizza shop. It's on the corner of Vilshire and Wilcox. Look, I know it's not going well, but I like you. I want you to stay in this country. I think you should marry Brad anyway. Who's that? Who's that? Hey, what's this in the bucket? A green card?

Now, are you a full-time, like, are you a citizen now? Or are you just running from the law? I'm running from the law. I'm running towards the law. Ooh, taking a bit shy, I see. Make a left on Temple 555. You guys should all go on Tuesday and assert your civil rights at the Board of Civil Licenses. Oh, fuck you. Hey, hey, we don't plug our own stuff on this show. They hate melanin rich people. They hate melanin rich people. I always fight for you people and say stop doing that.

I hate melanin rich people. I always fight for you people and say stop doing that. Melanin rich are being incarcerated. Wait, what are you saying? Now by you people, do you mean blacks or robots? I'm not sure. I mean people that are being falsely incarcerated because of the same thing that us do, but they get imprisoned, we go to rehab. That's the difference. Are you saying Melanin Rich? Well, I don't like to say black because I don't think there's black people. That's scary. You called it Melanin Rich? Wait, you don't think there's black people?

This is coming like a first call. Oh my god. Did you guys see? That's actually the name of Willie's first comedy album. It's Melon and Rachel by Chaya. She's a 12 years of slave conspiracy theorist. I don't think... If you look for the clues, it didn't happen. Patriot's glaring at you right now.

He loves me. Are you celebrating nothing history month? It's not black, there's not such a thing as a black person, it's melanin rich. In our literature, black is associated with negative things. So do you call white people melanin poor? Yes, in fact. Really? Yes, in fact.

Or cute. But they're also melanin rich? Yes, in fact. Really? Yes, in fact. They're kind of cute, but they're also melanin rich, just not melanin rich. Oh, but let us just say the racial slurs. So that's just reserved for albinos. And I'm discriminating against race. I'm discriminating against stupidity. That's a great answer. If you can prove to me that race is something to do with stupidity, I'll look into it. As long as it's unrelated, somebody of any kind of looks is completely unimportant to me. There you go, but you gotta admit those melanin rich people.

First they takes all our jobs, then they takes all our melanin. God damn it. Well it's funny, we all try to look like them we know we we try to and then she just takes that charcoal and just we all try to look like them we all try to get poofy on here we all try to do a lot of things that they have but then we just kind of say oh but they're bad but we all try so hard and then with man they really try to you know not go there but i think our time is done uh teresa once you go melon and rich you're one happy bitch That's a good one. That's the Melanin Rouge. Very interesting. Wow. I mean, holy moly. That's my Aunt Frank.

Take a minute. I wrote Swiss Jokins my diary. Man, those are definitely the two most interesting openers we've ever had on the show. This is like a fucking amazing start. That was two really different types of sadness. That was great. She really did apologize about the Holocaust for a moment. I don't know if you guys caught that, but she goes,

We are really sorry about that. That is so fucking funny to me. Our bad. Whoopsie. Whoopsie daisy. Whoopsie daisy. Oops, I did it again. Oh, we really didn't mean to do that.

Accident. Did I do that? Oh my god. That's the Melanin Rich character, Steve Irvine. Oh, I love Steve Irvine. I love Steve Irvine. I love Steve Irvine. I love Steve Irvine.

I love Steve Irvine. I love Steve Irvine. I love Steve Irvine. I love Steve Irvine. I love Steve Irvine. I love Steve Irvine. I love Steve Irvine. I love Steve the melanin rich character Steve Urkel. Put your hands together for Mike Roberts. Hey, thanks for having me. How's everybody doing?

We're going to talk about college today. Anybody go to college in here? Anybody go to college? Yeah, yeah. College will make you do some stuff you never thought you would do. Like stealing hot sauce from the cafeteria. And you put it in your room on your dresser like it's yours. And where you get your toilet paper from in college?

Right? Wendy's. You get the yellow napkins, pile them up in your bathroom. College was a trip for me from the beginning, though. My dad wanted to make it a road trip. So he made my mother drive so he could get his drink on along the way and so we had this tragedy before I got to school where basically he had to use the bathroom he was on her nerves all the way to on her nerves getting on her nerves she wouldn't stop so he peed into a cup peed into the

cup threw it out the window and went right into the back window and hit me in the face bad part about it is or a good part about it is, I had on shades. Bad part is I had piss on my shades. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I need indigestion from that horse earlier. But Lionel, how do we let him know the set's over? Nyerf nyerf. Brrrr. What do you mean, driving down the road? Oh, there you go. Mike Robertson.

Yes, sir. Did that really happen, the peace story? No, it did happen, actually. Wow. It wasn't quite as bad as it sounded, only a few drops got on me, so I put some extras on it. But it did happen. Felt like there was another twist coming, like when you said the good news was I was wearing sunglasses, and the bad news was I had pee on my sunglasses.

I feel like that was sort of like a known thing, I was expecting that. Yeah, everyone expected there'd be pee on the sunglasses. I mean, it wasn't a twist. I know, that was kind of on purpose because you would expect it. So it's layered, I guess. I don't know what to call that, actually, but I knew you would know. But there was so much useless information

to get to that point that him being a drunk, what did that mean to the story? All these different things that you kept saying about college and all that. What did college have to do with getting piss on the face and everything it's like you know when you when the SATs they always have that section where it's like circle which part isn't relevant to the story you should do that when when

writing jokes because only the net because you got cut off right you didn't get to finish because you had so much unnecessary info. And then also, you're expecting what you think to be relatable. None of us used Wendy's napkins as toilet paper. You guys know.

You never buy toilet paper. You go to Wendy's. No, I don't know. I've never done that. I was also personally envious because I could never afford the amount of melanin you have. It kind of costs, dude. It kind of costs. So wait, you did say that you used Wendy's napkins? No, I did.

You know, like, basically when you run out of toilet paper and you're at a fast food place, you just kind of like get extra tissue to take home so you can have the tissue in your bathroom. I mean, this is a simple fix. I don't know if it makes it much funnier, but you say I, you know what I mean? Because that's more true than you guys know. Yeah, make it personal. Maybe add something about how you wouldn't need as much toilet paper if you ate something better than Wendy's. That's true. as much toilet paper if you ate something better than Wendy's. You use Twitter so you know that there's like a character count of like you have

to you only have so much space. Imagine trying to write that joke in a tweet tweet you know like use Twitter is really good because you have to try to edit yourself and get the point across and that like like I remember last time you were on stage the same thing you you had this very elaborate story and then kind of just like at the very end, I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, I was just paying too much attention to this story. I didn't really get the joke. Because the thing is, if you work really hard, you could be a great comic someday, but if you keep doing what you're doing, you could be an amazing NPR host right now.

Yeah, they're averaging about a punchline every minute. Well, you know, I'm really like a storyteller kind of style. It's not more spoken word. But then play to your strengths. But go to the mob. But don't.

If that's your strength and that's what you're good at, then don't. If that's your strength and that's what you're good at, then don't. Go to the storytelling. Go to the longer life. But if you want to do stand-up, then you've got to cut the fat. Yeah, definitely. What else happened?

When you got the piss on your face, there's piss on your sunglasses, your face is covered in piss, what do you say to your dad? Do you say, Dad, I'm back. Damn, yeah, exactly. What really happened? So what really happened is we were in Alabama and it was really hot. covered in piss what do you say to your dad do you say dad I'm back yeah what really happened so what really happened is we were in Alabama it was really hot and so we just got a new car unfortunately the car did the AC didn't

work in the car a new car the AC doesn't work in the middle of the summer in the middle in August and going through Alabama so it was hot. Oh my god. So that's why the wheels were down. Why did you pick that car? I don't know. I gotta say something else. Why did you pick that car? Well you know what it was kind of cheap. It was kind of cheap.

Right. It was cheap. You guys might be melanin rich but not enough to have an AC. It was supposed to have AC but it just didn't work. Do you remember what kind of, was it a Wendy's cup? It was a, no it was a Big Gulp cup. Big Gulp, ugh, worse. That's like 72.

That's a big Gulp cup. That's a big Gulp cup. That's a big Gulp cup. That's a big Gulp cup. That's a big Gulp cup. That's a big Gulp cup. That's a big Gulp cup. That's a big Gulp cup. That's a big Gulp cup. That's a big Gulp cup. It was supposed to have AC, but it just didn't work. Do you remember what kind of, was it a Wendy's cup? No, it was a Big Gulp cup. Big Gulp.

Ugh, the worst. That's like 72 ounces of hot piss. Look, it's funny. He had ice in it, and the ice immediately melted. Right. So it was like weird. It was like water. So what did you say to your dad after the piss hit you? And was he upset that there was now piss in the back of his new car?

Or did he really not care? No, it was my car, actually. It was my car, and they were helping me, quote-unquote, drive it to college. So I had piss in my car. Really, it was like piss water in my car and on me. So I thought that was funny. It wasn't funny at the moment, but every time I tell somebody, it's like a funny story. Well, I think it was funnier in the moment

than it is now, actually. It's sort of hard to get that story across with a bang, because there's no, there's nothing really coming. He's like, he's like, and the worst thing, he's like, I've done this joke a few times in urban rooms, I'm always heckled with, at least you had it, Dad! And then it gets really, oh God, I'm'm so sorry I was raised in Florida it comes out sometimes I apologize that's funny that just walked the Patriot I guess there's

only enough room for one of you no really really this chick is out of control Oh, really? Really? This chick is out of control. Mike Robertson, everybody. Thanks, guys. I love that you're on Twitter. You don't seem like the kind of guy that would be. If you're wondering, who's the King Mike Buggy? I mean, I'm sure you tried Mike Lawrence when you were getting on Twitter.

That's probably the first one. I'm so pissed about the sure you tried Mike Lawrence when you were getting on Twitter. That's probably the first one I'm so pissed about the person who has Mike Lawrence. He literally has one tweet and it's when are we gonna go hiking Sharon? Yes, somebody and I believe it's like a Uruguay or something has the at kill Tony and it's just a totally different language So I have no idea how to even ask him for it without I don't know. I don't even know where he's at anyway It's just a little fun fact. I Used to I didn't have toilet paper once when in college and I use one of those pads that chicken come on

of those pads that chicken come on. There was no stand or anything on it, so I just went with it. Like a puppy pad? No, you know how there's like, if you buy raw chicken, it's always on a puppy pad, little baby puppy pad? Oh, oh yeah, that's really, really good. It was dry.

It wasn't fresh, it was like, weak soul. You're the first person to get salmonella of the butthole. It was like we even then there's your first person to get salmonella of the button Eric Allegria All right, this is my impression of Steven Brody Stevens as a strip club DJ. Alright guys, get out those dollar bills. Hell yeah, yo. We got that two for one promo out there.

Two for one, two for fun. Enjoy it. That's right guys, we got that promotional going on right now. It's the five for three. You get two free lap dances. Love it and enjoying it. Yes. enjoy it we got that ATM over there by the bar area hell yo yo hot sexy ladies out there loving it and doing it this is Christopher Walken in Spanish guys Christopher Walken in Spanish.

Guys, necesito mas calvo. Mas calvo. That's it. Hey, yo te digo, no me dan nada de respeto. No respeto. I think that was Dan Cook. Straight to the bear. Straight to the bear straight to the bear

well that went straight to the unbearable well I don't know what's worse hearing a comedian do the 1000 Christopher Walken impression or the first Brody Stevens impression that was a dick sucking itself. Yes! Loving it and doing it.

Hell yeah, yo. But also, if you do an impression of someone so insider, you know, like not a lot of people would know who Brody is. We in the room

will know who it is. The impression's gotta be very good. What about it? Two days play. Dickery, dickery, dark as day. Chica, chupando,

me con. Everybody can do that. You know that? What about in a two day's play? Tickery tickery tock, este chica chupando mi cocks. Everybody can do that. You know that? That's like Mary had a little lamb in the shower. El niño azul necesitaba el dinero. You literally just answered the question, what if the rapper Pitbull did impressions for a living? Hey, do you guys like reggaeton impressions? This is Rodney Dangerfield sweating.

Oh, what do I tell you? Yikes. Now, are you hoping to get those impressions of inside people to the point to where you make them famous? The person that you're doing an impression of? You're doing a great impression of a guy who comes up on stage in a shirt

that says pothead on it. That is fucking nailing it. Did you make that yourself no no this is my buddy shit my buddy is Bill Cosby and he sounds a little like this deal with no bagoos stuff Steven's one like even though I know who he is... Dude, I'm just having fun.

I'm not taking this to Comedy Central. I got the brood. I'm just having fun. Relax. You guys are all like, no, you're doing it wrong. Who cares? I'm just having fun. What I'm saying is that it was a really good club DJ voice.

I mean, it was dead on as a club DJ voice. I just didn't have enough Which, guess what? Everybody can do that one too if they wanted to. The only Brody thing about it was the enjoy it, you know, the catchphrase. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. There was no Brody in that. There was like one or two things to the whole thing. If you're gonna do it, do it. But like, that was just a strip club DJ. Maybe I should have gotten high before I did it then. Do you like to see-

Wait, you're not high and you're wearing a pothead shirt? The fuck? The real potheads of North Hollywood I'm just representing. Oh, Jesus. Yikes. That's my gang. That's your gang? Wow. We ride bikes all around North Hollywood, we smoke weed, we jaywalk, we do a bunch of bad stuff.

Wow. It had nothing to do with the real potheads in North Hollywood, we're bad dudes. We wear vests like this, they're crazy, we're nuts. Who would have thought your last impression would be worse than the ones you did? Too loud of a worst impression to be a non-virtual. You got a lesbian caught in your throat, Tony. What's that? You heard me.

What's that? Let me buy some time before I start calling you Spanish McFly. Yeah. Settle down in the back. Oh, you're getting scared. You signed up for this. I'm getting scared? We're having fun, right?

You guys are throwing stuff at me. I'm throwing it back. Relax. I don't need to relax. Right? But. They get all uptight, all of a sudden they come back. But, excuse me, we're like the Nerdy Cage.

But what if Jerry Sancho threw it back? What's the deal? Who gives a hell? Can you do a Schwarzenegger? Schwarzenegger? No. Damn. Talk about hack, all right, that's straight up.

Christopher Walken is that hackiest joke ever. Wait, wait a second. Did you hear my Christopher Walken... Wait, did you guys hear my Christopher Walken impression? It was like... Yes, I heard Christopher Walken impression. It was supposed to be a joke. Guys, they took a masked cowbell.

You think that's my closing bit? You had 60 seconds to tell a comedy and that's what you chose. I'm doing 60 seconds on the freaking podcast, alright? Yeah, for people to hear. So what? Oh, what if they hear it? Oh no, what if they don't like it? Well, that is what's going to happen.

So you should see that as a possibility. So what's going to happen? Am I going to quit comedy tomorrow because of it? I hope so. Because you're acting like the Zayn dog. You know what I mean?? Am I gonna quit comedy tomorrow because of it? Because I'm acting like this any dog? You know what I mean? Alright. Didn't end up too well for you tonight. You got a little bit nervous.

Oh, I'm heartbroken, Tony. I guess this is the end of my comedy career. I should just pack up and leave LA! Cause you said so! Bruce and your crew, start walking. Your comedy career would have to start for it to come to an end. Alright Tony, it'll have to come to an end I guess. Oh, if that impression is as good as your other impressions, I'm pretty excited that I sound like that.

Eric, you're pretty much completely unbearable. I get it. There you go. Eric Allegria. Oh, that's it? What did you want? Feedback for your shitty impressions? All you have to say is that we're just having fun up here, so you didn't really want any.

So when I was coming back, you guys didn't have anything for that? You guys were just like... But aside the material, you said yourself that you don't do that on stage. That you can't do that. I was just having fun. I was like, oh, man, I should have it. But then it rolled the names in this bucket. And then you think it's going to end my comedy career.

No, you're just wasting everybody's fucking time for shit that you don't give a shit about. Dude, you think way too much of this podcast. I actually think this is going to make or break my career. It's not what I'm saying, man. You're just going to say goodbye so other people can get on the stage. You suck. You suck. You suck! Eric, look at this stage.

Look. Everybody hates you. I mean, do my website know that? I got my dream! I got my dream! I'm walking on stage. I'm gonna quit. I'm gonna quit comedy.

I'll show you guys. I'm gonna be a big star, you see? I'm gonna be a big star. I'm gonna be a huge star. I'm gonna prove comedy! I'll show you guys! I'm gonna be a big star, you see! I'm gonna be a big star! I'm gonna be a huge star! I'm gonna prove you guys wrong! I'm gonna make it! I'm gonna be somebody! You'll see! You'll see! I'll show you guys!

You're still bombing, Eric. You're still bombing. Can we just cut out the part where the fox is going to steal? Oh, God. We just got off the part where he forces people to do it. I just want to apologize to Aaron Marsh and Kyle and Rashid, and every other person who actually tries and fucking wants to be a comic that was terrible Yikes, I'm pretty sure he just burned at least 80 bridges and got a sitcom on Telemundo Didn't even get to make fun of them. This has been a crazy fucking episode

Man we really need some Germans up in here. We need Germans to lighten up the mood and give a fun feeling. We only had a German to apologize for the Holocaust. It's been, it's literally been, I don't think I should marry a girl, kills the Jews, piss in my face,

and Christopher Walken. Oh, I mean that was just the worst. What do you think he could have done to be a little bit worse? I think it's going to turn out that we've been dead for the last hour. It's weird when Iron Patriot is the only thing I understand in this room. The only thing keeping me... I love it that he said you guys have taken this podcast way too seriously.

Even if it was an open mic, just a regular open mic, and this wasn't being recorded, why would you want to suck, and then be proud of sucking, and then pretend like you didn't suck, and just say I'm just having fun? Yeah, and then I'm just having fun isn't a defense.

Right. Yeah, it doesn't make it alright. But to be fair, it seemed like he was kind just having fun yeah and then I'm just having fun isn't a defense right yeah it doesn't make it all right yeah but to be fair it seemed like he was kinda having fun it was but he was? was it all the screaming? he did kill with himself welcome back and that weird crying thing at the end where you try to make it funny by like oh that was a joke but it's like there's a part of that that's real and I know because it happens sometimes really you just fail so terribly it's something that you try to like exit on a joke which he kept trying to do over and over again but there's no real good exit after all that yeah your

next comedian who knows what's gonna happen name I do believe, I don't believe that he or she has been on this show before. Eli Jacobson, everybody. Eli! You know what this means, iron blacklisted! I don't know what to do. Jake Blaser. I would have done that earlier.

I thought he was going to get blacklisted. I feel like Eli Jacobson was just going to be that guy, but in a cocaine. Fuck yeah. Patriot, you finally put the black in blacklisted. I just want to... How great would it be if that guy was Philip Seymour Hoffman's dealer so you could hate him on two different levels?

Shut the fuck up. Come on. Too late, too late. I love how you kept trying to guess what I was going to make fun of him as. Call me a Spanish Marty McFly. It's like, no. Put your hands together for Jay Light. Jay Light.

Don't have much to follow. Don't have much to follow with that one. Here we go. Sorry. That's okay. Thank you. I'm a swimming teacher and it's a pretty good job except sometimes it's real weird one of my kids that I teach lessons to he almost drowned twice parents bottom the lessons and it's really hard to teach a two-year-old how to swim when he's already seen death. He does not care. I can't imagine raising this kid. Hey, what are you coloring there, sport, huh? Oh, oh, this is just all black. Yeah, daddy liked the void. So, like, I felt bad for the kid and then he pooped on me. I didn't feel bad after that. He had what we in the biz call an accidental release of feces.

Or an ARF. Much less cute than it sounds. I can't be bad for the kid, he's literally scared shitless by the water. I get it. I just wish there were other things he knew he could be afraid of, you know? 60% of you is made of water, you're gonna have to deal with it a lot in your life. The energy is within to get it together. Oh, perfect time. Thank you.

That was good. Before you, Eli Jacobson had had the set of the night. So... That was good, man. Tough to follow Eli. Super tough. What happened in the beginning of that joke? Oh, I tried to say something about how fucking weird it was beforehand, but I fumbled the

words. No, I mean like the first part of the joke. Oh, the first part of the joke? The kid pooped in the water, or what happened? He almost drowned. He almost drowned. Right. That's why I had to teach him the lessons.

He retired me after that. So what was all black he was because he was dead? He probably should say blue or something. Because I had no idea what you were saying black. When you drown, you don't turn black. You just say blue, right? I don't know. I guess I was trying to think.

You said the drawing. The drawing was black. Just circles, black circles. I get that. Yeah. Okay. Thank you. It was a lot refreshing

than, you know, the other guy. That was our reason when he said swim coach. What if Christopher Walken said that then? There's a kid in the pool. Gone, gone.

What's doing? Iron walking. Yeah. But were you having fun on stage? What if Al Pacino was a swim teacher? Woo-ha! Swim, Johnny! Legitimately, I would say I like the confidence. You have the cadence. You're making eye contact with us. It's like you look like you're comfortable up there.

How long have you been doing stand-up? About five years. Okay, yeah, you're very comfortable on stage. I mean jokes can be a little punchier, maybe that'll come in time. But yeah, you look comfortable up there. How often have you been doing it in that five years? Well, really I've been focusing on it for about three. The first two it was like a wash because the first two fear years and not being able to get up a ton of places. I think once the writing becomes sharper, because the comfort you have is one of the hardest things about stand-up. Writing is probably what needs to follow.

It was like the ARF joke. You just took an acronym and then said it, there wasn't a punch there. Right, right. And I also, I don't, maybe it was just me, but I kept just, I sort of didn't get any of the punchlines. I didn't get the black thing. I didn't get the part before that I think there was one. I mean, I don't get the part before that I think there was one. I mean, I don't know.

I guess, yeah, they definitely need to have, like, some crisp. I don't even really know what the main frame of that, what was the front end of that joke about, about swimming lessons? Like, what was the beginning of it? It's really hard to teach a kid how to swim when he's already seen death. So he did die? He was officially dead. He almost died. Well there's a joke right there that you could you know like I teach swimming lessons to two-year-olds so more like try not to drown lessons or something like that you know and like if

you're two and you almost drown isn isn't that closer to a near-birth experience? Okay. So, I mean, it's also like you've had your hands on more wet two-year-olds than Jerry Sandusky. Or anything. You don't want to just use what you have. Think about it. Honestly, one of the weirdest things about teaching a two year old

is because you have to like hold them up in the water and you have to be touching their butt the entire time and like around, it's super weird. There's probably a lot of pee in that pool too. A lot of pee. Yeah. A lot, and there was, when the kid pooped, there was poop in the pool, we had them vacate.

It's weird. Talk about that shit. There you go. We had to vacate. It's weird. Talk about that shit. Talk about cookies. There you go. Jay, that was comedy. So there he goes. He's ad guy Jay on Twitter. It was almost interesting having just a completely sane person up there.

It's comforting. Thank you for saving us lesbian Harry Potter Fuck yeah, let's keep the fun train moving along. Here we go Anything can happen. It's Armando Anto Hey guys, how we doing? I was born and raised in France and after all this time I still don't look French and that's because my parents come from a touristic place called the Middle East and Well, it's interesting because since I started stand-up people tell me that because of my French accent I kind of sound gay and because of my face I kind of look like a terrorist.

And it's not very attractive to be a gay terrorist. So it's not something that is working very well. Anyway, I took a lot of classes to improve my accent and as you can hear it worked very well. But I found a new way to improve my accent and it's called drinking. Alcohol is the solution, especially when the audience is more shit-faced than I am. But that never happens and there's still some words that I can't all right you know this is one of those weird instances where I actually want to hear the end of it so you wait what instances now well I'm a violin teacher and so when I teach the violin I have a hard time. Wait what? Violin. Violin teacher. Okay. And so I have a hard time pronouncing some words and they really sound like shit when I say it. So like when I ask a child to concentrate I would tell

him like, alright Jonathan would you please fuck us sounds but Francisco Ramos it's a French Cisco Rama you don't look French you're wearing a bright shirt. Can you mime out your jokes? Yeah, you look so French. Like a French terrorist. Super French. Like French Mahim. That's like if the Dark Patriot came up and was like,

I look nothing like a superhero. You're wearing the costume, I mean the striped short-sleeved t-shirt. You're dressed very French. Alright, that excites you? No. You do a joke saying where you don't look French. Well, you won't tell me that I have a face of a French guy. Well, you do because you have a beret on. But it's confusing.

That one's really American. Nobody, nobody that's not French wears their hat like that. Anyone who's American who wears that tilts it to the forward and sings for Smash Mouth. Definitely not American. How long have you been in America? I've been traveling a lot for the last 10 years. I lived in France 10 years ago. Persian.

It's delightful. interesting Persian and French delightful yes interesting so I mean there were definitely I mean obviously this is you know your second language and you're learning and I could feel like at times there were some you know barriers with that of you know communication of you know work play and all that well I'm just being honest like it the way you know like communication of, you know, wordplay and all that. Well, I'm just being honest. Like, the way, you know, like, you would say things factually, but not, you know, in a complete, you know, funny, punchy way. Like, with a joke about, you know, the audience, and I'm joking, they are not.

And, you know, but like... That's how I sound? I'm not good at impressions, you know. Which we've learned is a good thing today. Actually a bad thing. But I just felt like at times there was, you know, some kind of a distance and the more you do it, I mean, I applaud you, I can't speak any other language. Yeah, it's very impressive that, you know, that in your second language and same with you, like, I don't even know how you would do that, but I think it just comes from

a reps thing, because the length, the syntax of what you're trying to say, just the more you get it down pat. I have a question for you, because you guys do stand-up comedy. I've done a set last Wednesday in this exact same room. There were about 100 people. Not stand-up comedians, normal drunk people.

And I did my six-minute show and killed and so I'm just I'm lost because well I bring my violin normally my set your violin yeah I'm gonna play that last week yeah I did how much of the six minutes was the violin 45 seconds did you open with it or close with it both with it or close with it? Both. The sandwich. So you did 22. But if you see the video, like, it's for six minutes. It's just laugh and laugh after. And it was great. And every time I go to an open mic or something, we'd stand up coming in, you know, expecting the punchline. It's just so different. Let me tell you why. Because a Belly Room Bringers show on an average night, this is like a special format of a show that takes place in this room. Normally, the shows

here, the audience, are filled with the biggest idiots in the world. Because they got dragged here by their friends. Their dancers. Their friends who work in restaurants with them and stuff. It's a very easy and supportive room. Yeah, they're trying to laugh to help their friends out, have fun trying to be supportive and stuff. So you get a little weird audience there. That's what comedy can be. This is what comedy is. Another question is, I would watch Louis C.K.

and I'm laughing my ass off. And then I would watch another comedian and I'm just not finding it that funny. I find you guys way more funny than they are, but we all like you. So what's that? They have their own audience. Everyone has their own taste. Yeah.

It's always that way. Not everybody's always going to like everybody. Everybody's different and so are the comedians. So it's all about finding your own little people that you like. Nobody has the exact same top 10 comedian list and and the thing is too because I noticed at times and if there's nothing wrong with it but you know you were nervous or you would expect a reaction and then there would be like kind of a sigh that's exactly that no that's fine I mean it

happens all the time but the thing is you should be performing as if you're on that belly room show all the time. Right, and that's what the open mics are good for, is by burning away that fuel of, oh shit, they didn't laugh at that. That's exactly what you want to get used to. Don't give up on us, let us give up on you. And a lot of comics will avoid shows where you'll get those sides, they just want to do those Bringer shows, they're gonna get a ton of laughs but you're not gonna get good if you're just being rewarded all the time you need to have these

beautiful yeah that's comedy so how long have you been on Santa for three months this is exciting I think you know I mean my favorite part of that set by the way and I don't even know whether you were trying to be sarcastic or not, but was when you said, I've been taking French classes, and as you can tell, they work. Yeah, of course it's sarcastic. Right. But it actually is true at the same time. I mean, I can't imagine, like Fahim said, I mean, a second language. It's my third language.

It's just the hardest thing to do, in my opinion, with a normal language, to be able to change timing and cadence and beats and everything, especially just the words, it seems like a fucking nightmare, like if my final... It's like if we had to do stand-up in French. Right. Impossible. No, then you would just tear us to shreds. Impossible.

Yeah, you should talk more about that, like, the beat, just about being French and stuff like that, instead of, I don't know. Well, I don't know, just talk about whatever you want Yeah, you should talk more about that. Like, be just about being French and stuff like that instead of, uh, I don't know. Well, I don't know, just talk about whatever you want to, you know? Because sometimes people will be like, Hey, talk about being Nashian, and I don't want to talk about that shit. Yeah, right. So just talk about whatever you want, but I think just get up more. Yeah, right. And then it'll just wash away the nervousness.

I think you're good. Yeah, totally. Yeah, definitely. Stick with it, man. Orlando Anto. You gave me your email instead of your Twitter handle. Because I don't do Twitter. Okay. Yeah, we won't put that out there because you don't want anybody fucking with you. No, you don't want to. Very good. Interesting. Fucking violin player. French, Arabic. Interesting. Love that. Alright, there's Armando Anto. Let's get somebody else in here.

How you guys doing? You having fun? Here we go for Adam Patterson! I want to apologize to the Afghanis. I was in the military. Alright, bumper stickers, guys. We really got to think about these bumper stickers because you guys are putting these causes that are near and dear to your hearts on your bumpers and then you're driving around like assholes. I was driving behind a guy

for 30 minutes with this free Tibet bumper sticker. I don't know where Tibet is, I can't even point it out on the map, but I want to fucking bomb Tibet by the end of the time. He's texting and driving, he's all over the road. I think I'm going to start a driving school where you have a driver's test and based on your driver's score you're awarded a bumper sticker. All the shitty drivers can get a Chaney 2016 bumper sticker, all the good drivers can get a Chaney 2016 bumper sticker. All the good drivers get the Coexist bumper stickers. And I think the world will be a better place. That's all I have.

Thank you, Scott. You just started in December. I just started in December. Right. Awesome. Saying you were in the military and then talking about bombing Tibet makes me think that you could. It's funny because I'm anti-war after it was cool. You know what I mean? You've always wanted to do stand-up.

And you earned it, yeah. Yeah, so I served and I saw the whole thing's a sham. Now I'm anti-war. That's fucking great. Yeah, there you go. You've always wanted to do stand-up. Do you have bits about that? Because that's an interesting perspective.

It's not really funny. It's kind of sad. I've noticed that time and time again. Ever since I started comedy, I've noticed that it is probably the hardest thing. I've seen religion jokes kill. I've seen so many. There's something so hard to make. Military. I've been in the military jokes.

Yeah, but once you have the the cred of i was there then you're allowed to because it's your perspective yeah and i understand that you want to talk about things specific that are unique to yourself in comedy you know i mean like buffer stickers i'm sure that that somebody has to be some of their joke out there you know i've never heard it right yeah but i'll tell you what i i knew that uh i knew that uh you're in it to win it. The fact that you made that Afghani Fahim joke right from the top, I mean, that's sort of like pro shit.

You know what I mean? You acknowledge something with you and your background, right the direction you were going in, which is the military. You made the sorry about the Afghanis, and then you were in. And then you're playing with fire. I can tell that you're brand new by how fast you're going. Yeah, well, I was pacing up and down Sunset trying to get my minute in. My original material was about automatic toilets.

Ooh, interesting. Well, I couldn't get it under a minute, so I was like, fuck it. I'll do something else. You know what I mean? But I'm actually going to be in a documentary about drones and speaking out against it on Vice. Vice.com. I'm speaking out against it on Vice. So you saw drones in person.

I actually worked as a contractor for a drone program after that. About after 2009, when I was removed from it, I started questioning it and started reading up on stuff and started getting different perspectives, people that are in Pakistan. You know, it's just like, what if the Chinese invaded the United States and started kicking in our doors? I would take a boo. Why can't I?

Sure. You know what I mean? So similar to there. You know what I mean? There you go. Maybe this is a joke right there. Yeah, exactly. No, there is.

That works. That's the type of stuff. I mean, if you want to go if you wanted to go that direction you could but you can also you know There's something so appropriate about him following the French guy Like, we do American things up here. Surrender to my punchlines. I'll be in France in two weeks. I'm going to Lyon actually. Oh. And leaving in a fucking crater. Just pleasure? What are you doing in France?

Just yeah, to visit a friend. That's awesome. Fuck yeah. Adam, you just started in December and I fucking love your style. I mean, I can tell that you're in it to win it, that you're probably going to be doing this for a long time. So congratulations, I hope you come back. Next time here on Let's Hear About Automatic Toilets. Come back again soon.

That's Adam Patterson. Follow him on Twitter at ThePatterson. Unlike our heads of security, this guy's an actual patriot. So, I mean, come on. You're wearing a pajama costume for a 60-year-old. Hey, I'm trying, man. Oh, Red Band, it's not on you. That's all Amazon Prime, by the way. That's the saddest thing I've seen in shoulder pads

since the Denver Broncos. I give that joke a Seahawks 75 points. I'm at that Super Bowl. Seahawks! You are at that Super Bowl. That's right. You dump shirt, man. I Wikipedia'd footballed it.

Tell that joke. Well, as many of you know, every episode we have two regulars that go on. They always bring a new minute every single week, and this week's no different. Put your hands together for your first of our two regulars, Kimberly Congdon, everybody.

George, Alfa, Warda, the University of Florida. Hey, everybody. Yeah. George Alston. Florida. University of Florida. Hi, guys. So, I was thinking the other day. I was walking, and a guy walked by me. I was wearing some leggings, and he got a hard-on.

And then I got to thinking, boners are flattering. You know? It's like they're saying, I choose you. Do you guys remember being really young and doing some Christmas performance at school and looking out and seeing your dad in the crowd and he gave you one of these? It's like the same thing except it knows you inside out uh one of my favorite hobbies is watching uh my high school friends fluctuate and wait via social media you know it makes you feel good because okay so people have friends that commit suicide and they always say you know they't show signs, I had no idea.

People show signs that they're giving up on life. Girls become Mary Kay consultants. And guys get tattoos that say blessed. Yes. There you go. And you have a blessed tattoo thing, right? Yeah, that's right. Oh, wow, that's right.

Oh wow, that's great. Where's that at? That comes after that. No, she has a minute about blessed tattoos that was rolled. She has a blessed tattoo. Okay, I already had some ideas. What was the first premise that you talked about? I don't know.

Poners? Poners are flattering. Okay, I didn't understand that ending part. I think there's a little bit of something there with the flattering thing. Like it's almost like, I don't know. The boner does you inside out. It's like a compliment. Yeah, I didn't get the inside out thing.

There's something funny too, the fact that like, what if you're flattered by it, but then you realize that it just happens all the time, where it's for everything but you, you know? It's like, it's not hard to get hard. Yeah, I thought of that too, but, you know. Maybe that's exactly how it is. I mean, I saw Philomena last week, and Judi Dench started crying, and I was kind of aroused, you know? Judi Dench. I can't come without watching Judi Dench crying. Damn right.

She cries in every movie. And I get hurt. Only six minutes in Shakespeare in Love, but it lasted 12, so. And then the second part is the premise that I like the most. I think that that makes sense coming for me. That sounds like something that the young female comedian who just dropped out of college would talk about is watching your friends fluctuate in weight on Facebook.

Yeah. I don't really know. I have, I was going to add at the end of that, I talked about how the girls that were really hot in high school, they peaked too early and they they wasted their sex young getting fingered you know like the like there's still the same hotness but like it just never increased they just got really hot in high school you know those girls are like hot in high school but just stayed that high school hot yes I've been to Applebee's, if that's what you're asking.

Maybe their Facebook movies, like a hot dog eating contest without the hot dogs or something like that. It's definitely something, yeah. It's a good premise that could be mined for. Totally, exactly. And I can't really think of much right now, but like, it's almost like when you read their status update, they can put whatever they want as their status update, but you're looking at their profile pic,

and that says 185. Their fattest update. Right. Yeah, there you go. Or, you know, just look at everything and analyze Facebook and figure out where the fat joke is. Yeah.

Whether it's fucking... Damn it. Oh, I can just feel it being being close there's so much there iron black yet or whatever it was it did you have something that I knew what she was saying by the fluctuating weight. I thought she was going to get more detective about how she comes to that conclusion. Like status updates and all the pictures and you're having family and blah blah blah blah blah. You know what I mean? Thank you.

And maybe the pictures aren't of Spring Break in a bikini but... Well, all the pictures start being from shoulder up, you know, just like throughout the town. Or they're doing this in less bottom and more top. Yeah, that's got to be in the front end. The angles are all the same. Right. Profile pic is a baby, their kid. Yeah.

Right, but when they were in high school or college or whatever, it was their full body pic or whatever. I don't know, there's a lot there Kimberly Condon everybody she's on twitter Kimberly Condon this girl's running a new minute each week i don't even know how they do it yeah put your hands together for the always fun always goofy it's Sarah Wineshank everybody Sarah Weinshank, everybody. Yay! I ate a Rice Krispie treat a few days ago. Mind-boggling.

Who thought of these? What type of psychotic genius guys thought to mix Rice Krispies with melted marshmallows? Takes a special mind, that's for sure. I imagine it was like a poor college student that was stoned. Nothing was in their kitchen except for some marshmallows left over from Thanksgiving yams and a box of Kellogg's rice krispies. And he had this genius idea to melt down these mallows, these mallows, if you will, and make them into an adhesive,

much like Elmer's glue. And he did, or she did, and I'm thankful for him, you know? And what the hell? Okay, let me tell you this. Try to eat a Rice Krispies treat and have your gums not bleed. It is so...

The terrain of a Rice Krispies treat, guys, is rocky. Thank you. Thank you so much. I was with you on everything up until that point. Yeah, I thought of that like five minutes ago, threw it in there, and I'm full of regret about it. No, my gums have never bled, but I feel like it could. It could have been like if they started off with grape nut treats first or some other cereals first.

He didn't just go right to Rice Krispies. cereals first. Like, he didn't just go right to Rice Krispies. He's straight out of... Yeah, well, then I was... I wanted to do this thing about, like, Snap, Crackle, and Pop, the three guys, like, being pissed off about Rice Krispie treats because they don't want their, like, respective sounds to not come out because of, like, the marshmallow

coating. But I was like, is that too far? Like, is that too far? You went with gums bleeding. Yeah. It's like a Rice Krispie Treats, there's like Snap, Crackle, Pops, like cum sock or something like that. The thing is that when you say that your gums have never bled

and that you don't even really know if people's have, but you said your gums always bleed in the jokes. If you're using a generality and an absolute, then it has to be well like okay i've eaten rice crispy treat before and they're they're like kind of like rough and rocky and like they have hurt my guts so i said that they bled but that was an exaggeration and so you like less yeah i basically lied to you guys i love the premise it fits with everything else you're doing i love the malo malo, if you will.

All that goofy stuff that you do that makes you you, that defines you. That was all in there. It can definitely be punched up. Great premise. Great job. I'm curious. This is my first time seeing you. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Three years. Three years. And then it's like you do a character kind of on stage. Because you talking to us is very different than your cadence when you do stand-up. Yeah, like it's how I feel when I'm having a bad day. Like Holtzman, but female. Or like Sebastian, you know, the way Sebastian talks offstage isn't the way he is onstage. No, yeah, it is.

It's interesting to me because I just know me onstage, but then there's some people who do characters and it works. That's why I think her and Kimberly balance each other out Kimberly's definitely the more her like right And I was confused did you start off like really indignant and angry about the rice krispie treat and why it exists? But then you're like put I'm thankful for it. So which side? Yeah, are you pro-rice krispie treat or anti? I'm just actually confused by Rice Krispies Treats in general. Like, what the fuck are they? Well, then have that be the joke.

Yeah, get into that more. Yeah. Unfortunately, we've run out of time. Sarah Weinshank is at Princess Shank on Twitter. And Prima Vikanda on Twitter. They're both going to be at the La Jolla Comedy Store Saturday, March 1st. Thank you guys so much. At the Mike Lawrence.

Anything coming up that you want to promote? You, Fahim Anwar, at Fahim Anwar? I got nothing. Just follow me on Twitter. Mike? Yeah, I'm at Mike Lawrence Comedy is my website. And the Mike Lawrence. And yeah, I'm around.

We're all going to get stabbed to death by the guy. The Dark Patriot was Willie Hunter. That's at The Willie Hunter Show At Will Hunter Show One of my funniest friends At Josh Martin Comic, always helping us out Thank you so much Everybody, Red Band

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