KILL TONY - KILL TONY #38

Episode Date: February 24, 2014

Kirk Fox, Chris Porter, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Missy Martinez, Mexican Patriot/Jesús Hierro, Brian Redban – Date: 02/17/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. La Jolla, California, San Diego, this week we will be in your city. We are going to the Comedy Store in La Jolla, and we're going to be there February 28th and March 1st. And March 1st, we're doing a live Kill Tony show. So, if you've always wanted to see a kill tony live and you never saw it go to the comedy store in la jolla march 1st and we also have a deal so like if you buy a ticket to go see kill tony which is at 6 p.m that will automatically get you into the comedy show which is right after and we're going to have a bunch of people coming down sarah weinshank kimberly

condom missy martinez will be there and we're going to bring uh josh martin have a bunch of people coming down. Sarah Weinshank, Kimberly Congham, Missy Martinez will be there. And we're going to bring Josh Martin and a bunch of other comics and surprise guests. It's going to be a big party this weekend. So go to DeathSquad.tv or the Comedy Store's website for all the different ticket links that we have. Also, if you go to DeathSquad, check out our tour dates because pretty soon we're going on sale. Seattle, Portland, and Vancouver. And that's going to be a lot of fun. And then Comic-Con 2014 will be down there also.

So always just check out DeathSquad.TV. And don't forget, if you like Kill Tony, you like what we're doing here, there's one thing that you can do to help us out. And that's going on iTunes and submitting a review to our show just search for death squad and then hit a review and you know hit subscribe if you want to and also check out shirt squad or shop squad shop squad.tv how do i not remember that shop squad.tv is where we have the limited edition kitty cat t-shirt and stickers anyways here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Thank you. Yes. Thank you. Fuck yes. Fuck yes, everybody. Audio issues on the intro, and I love that. That's when you know you're in for a crazy night.

How you guys doing? Fuck yeah, it's happening. It's an electric room right now. I'm pretty excited about that. It's Kill Tony 38. I'm here with the great Brian Redband. Jesus Christ, you can tell this is already a crazy audience. Yes.

I'm kind of nervous from last, if you saw last week's episode. That was like traumatic. That was crazy. Yeah. We had some aggressive foreign people. We had a complete meltdown from one guy. I mean, a true meltdown of mass. It was the only time, what's it, 30, 38 episodes times we'll say 15, 20 comedians

but last week was the first time that a comedian ever freaked out so bad that he left out of that door. He exited Exit stage left even. Right. I'm pretty sure that if that was just like a rooftop and not a stairway that he still would have just jumped

right out of there. He was out very quickly. No hesitation. um yeah it was a crazy episode a lot of fun feedback a little bit a little bit of audio magic yeah we had a uh a mp3 recorder that i have been using for about five years decided to go out uh in the middle of recording last week's episode thank god we had a backup but it would not only did we have some of the craziest things happen, but I even focused in on the mp3 recorder on the video, and it was showing. It was recording the whole time.

It's so fucking weird. It could have been the ghost. It's the ghost. Now I get what Tennessee Tuxedo from the Ding Dong Show always talked about. There's a ghost here. I spent the weekend in Traverse City.

That was insane. I just had a comedy winter festival this weekend with Tim Meadows and Dave Foley and filmmaker Michael Moore. That was insane. You were around in a lot of snow. How was that? We were inside. I mean, you just go from one place to the next.

It's sort of bizarre. There's no really... I just forget that it's, like, freezing cold. The people that live there are so used to it. It's insane. And that's really... That was always pretty much the first five minutes of my set was every set were these theater loads of people,

and I just keep asking them, like, what the fuck are you people doing here? Yeah. Because I don't get it. I don't get it at all. There were some people that were riding this Ferris wheel that was in the middle of the street, that was in the middle of this festival.

I mean, it's like six degrees out. But anyway, it's always great when you get off that plane. It's fucking 75 and sunny. Anyway, so if you guys know anything about the show, you know that a few weeks ago, our head of security, the Iron Patriot, quit the show in a devastating move. He said that he got too big for the show

and that he wanted to move on to bigger things and that when Comedy Central picks up the show, that he'll be waiting by the phone, which I'm guessing... don't, all right. For those of you listening to the podcast, Brian just poured water on a doll and now he is tapping its butt with a battery. People in the front row are loving this.

And so anyway, since he quit, we've been replacing him each week with a different kind of patriot. Our first patriot had a speech impediment. The Iron Josh. The Iron Josh. Our second one was the first ever. Iron PDC.

Oh, yes. Iron PDC was great. And then last week. He was in a band called the Filthy Lobster. Yep. And then we had, last week we had the first... African American. Yeah, I almost said something else.

Also, we had a surprise appearance by the first ever homosexual patriot, the Iron Gatriot. Yeah. And that was very exciting. Well, this week we are debuting yet another new patriot, everybody. I present to you our first ever Mexican Patriot. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Cholo Patriot. Cholo Patriot.

He's got a cowbell, ladies and gentlemen. Elotes, tamales, churros, tamales. What's up with the bell? Yes, you do have lights there. I love that. I paid the bill. I love that cowbell. Yeah, that's fucking great. I love the cowbell. Yeah, that's fucking great.

I love the bandana. You have your own take on this character. I really like that. Si. Si. Fuck yeah. Is that a gun? Do you have a gun?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. She goes down. That's a first. Right back into your holster. Almost seems like there's naturally just a hole in that thing from perhaps you putting it on earlier.

No, we had the Black Patriot last week and you ripped through it. Oh, yeah. The African-American patriots are... They'll poke a hole in your pajama. If you know what I mean. And I mean poke a hole in your pajama.

Like Pocahontas? Yeah, something like that. So you want us to... What are we calling you? The Cholo Patriot? Is that what you... Just Mexican, that's fine. We already have enough shit stacked against us. The Cholo Patriot? Is that what you... Just Mexican, that's fine. Okay, Mexican. We already have enough shit stacked against us.

Why you fucking call me Cholo? Now, as the Mexican Patriot, who are some of your favorite comedians? Bill Burr. George Lopez. George Lopez, yeah. That loco, George Lopez. Bill Burr, George Lopez. Yeah. That local, George Lopez. Bill Burr, George Lopez.

Okay, well, it looks like you have a pretty extensive list. I think you're going to be perfect as a comedy head of security. Oh, that's a good one. Yeah. Wow. Oh, that's badass. That's very good. Almost lost my balance.

This is great. Next week, we might have a Mexican woman be the patriot, and she could be the ironing patriot. Because they're maids. You get it, everybody? All right. I hate it when people make that noise. I'm sorry about that joke.

I shouldn't have said it. So let's get this thing started. Thank you. Put your hands together for the Mexican Patriot, everybody. Well, let's get it started. It's episode 38 of Kill Tony. And every week on this show, I always have two of my funniest friends sit in with me as a guest and this week's no different

two of my funniest pals everybody you know him from last comic standing and his own Comedy Central one hour special it's Chris Porter and the winner of the HBO Aspen Comedy Festival the host of the test Kirk Fox wow fuck yeah The host of the test, Kirk Fox. Wow. Fuck yeah.

Now, so awesome to have you guys. This is Kirk's third appearance on the show. Really? Yeah. I got to get things going on so that I'm not so available. Aren't you on TV? I am, but I guess it's not enough. No, you need to get on better TV.

I guess you've got to be doing podcasts to really start connecting with the people. It's good to know you've been busy. Monday nights is a good time to have off. Shit, man. When you called, I said, fuck, I'm already here. I was already here, so it's good. I got locked out of my apartment, so I'm here regardless. I mean, not that I wasn't going to come, but then I...

Is someone in there? Did someone lock you out? I don't know what the fuck happened. I left. When I left, part of the door handle came off of my hand. You'd think that would have... Did you leave angry? I mean, did you just rip a fucking door off?

No. I'm just strong. I've been hitting the gym. What happened? Did somebody help you? Well, the door handle came off, and I was like, oh, I'll just put that back on, which I did. And I was like, problem solved. Left.

Came back six hours later with friends going, let's listen to records and get shit-faced. And they're like, cool. And then we sat outside my door for 30 minutes. What about, like, do you have a super or something? Maybe you went to the wrong place. Maybe you were already shit-faced. I don't know. I'm pretty sure.

It looked like my place. Nobody could help you at the complex? Well, the super was there, but he's not real good with the English. Right. We had to rush him off and get him in his patriot outfit. I feel you, man. I could have broken in. Fuck you.

Yeah, I know. He was also of Hispanic descent. Oh, nice. So I thought of anyone, he was just going to pop the thing open. Hell yeah, just... But apparently it's not as easy as a Honda Civic. Yeah. You need a longer co-hanger. That's the only difference.

Yeah. Well, I'm so glad to have you guys. You know, some of you guys know the deal. You did no research this week? Oh, yeah. You have any questions for our guests? Yeah. So I know Kirk Fox, mi amigo, goes to Los Compadres down the street.

Yes, I do. Is there a problem? Yeah. How do you take your margaritas there's a special way just take them with the straw and i suck them down what do you mean a special way because when i went there i asked for a margarita they said would you like the kirk fox special uh i like it strong not sweet is that what you're getting yeah that's it they have it on the menu do they does it say the kirk fox kirk Strong, not too sweet. It's a Cadillac, but I don't want

the fire in there. I don't want to catch fire. Oh, the Cadillac. So that's a Grand Marnier, right? You can call it that. I'm sure it's not pronounced that way in the handbook. Probably not in France, right? I'd like the Grand Marnier.

I think it is. No, there's no way. Marnier. They'll deliver it. It doesn't matter how you say it. You'll get your drink. Bring that orange shit that I like. That's what I say.

So you're a Mexican compatriot in there? Yeah, Mexican compatriot, yeah. This is it. I looked it up earlier. It's the Del Patriote del Hero. The Spanish Iron Patriot. You butchered that shit, but fine. Grand Marnier and El Patriote.

You could probably sneak into America in that outfit. They wouldn't even see it. You just sneak over. If one guy did, they would sell like a million of those outfits tomorrow. When I think leading edge technology, I think Mexico. I don't know if you've been to deep, deep Mexico, but nothing screams technologically advanced like a borough. That does look leading.

That looks like a good toy set from Tijuana. Iron Man with a push light. He's great in closets. Yeah, yeah. You can hang him anywhere. Patriot, did you have any question for Chris? Yeah, Kansas City?

What do you hate about it? The way they vote. They pulled me over in Kansas City. They pulled me over in Kansas City. Were you the only reason. They pulled me over in Kansas City. Were you wearing that outfit? Yeah, I was wearing this outfit at four in the morning. And they're like, whew. I'm like, shit.

Yeah, man. Well, let's get this thing started. It's episode 38 of Kill Tony. You guys know how this show works. Comedians sign up for the chance to get one minute on this stage to get some kind of help in any way from us. And you know that your 60 seconds is up

when you hear that meow of a kitty. Aww. That's so adorable. And you should wrap it up right around then, because if you run your time, then you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. Oh, wow. And that bear. Was the bear fucking an elephant?

I'm pretty sure. Was that longer than a minute? That's my kind of bear. That's a long bear. It's longer than your set. The elephant gave a bear the minute. Yeah, I'm pretty sure he made an elephant come at the end of that. Yes. Anyway, so let's get it going.

Could you imagine if an elephant squirted? That would be fucking... I mean, I would have never imagined it until you brought it up. That's like a tsunami. Now I have to think about it a lot. Yeah, it's something that I don't want to ever think about. I'm going to go change. Does it squirt on us?

Is that what you're implying? Well, I don't know. Shit, I hope you get back in your apartment soon. If you're thinking this shit, you've been outside too long. I'm just saying, well, elephant coming, I don't think that was a real far stretch. They should have a zoo Where it's only animals that squirt

They do It's called the Spearmint Rhino Thank you I'll close on that one I'm going to head out of here Well we got momentum Let's get our first comedian up here And they go by the name of

Gianne Whitney up here and they go by the name of gian whitney coming from deep in the gullet so i've realized i can't call my family when i'm feeling down because one time i did an open mic and i just fucking bombed and the next day I called my brother and I was like, James, you know, maybe I'm not funny. And he goes, yeah, maybe. Maybe you're not. Maybe you're only funny to, like, your family.

I was like, okay, thanks. Can you put Dad on the phone? So my dad gets on and he goes on he goes hi Gene how are you doing I was like I'm okay but I got a speeding ticket and he goes what what you are screwing your life up aren't you son of a bitch are you in porno

I was like what no I'm not in porno you need to come home dammit you need to come home and be a nurse so now when I'm feeling down I just keep You need to come home, damn it. You need to come home and be a nurse. So now when I'm feeling down, I just keep my feelings inside. I don't call them.

I don't miss them. They can go fuck themselves. Thank you. Wow. Look at that. Exactly a minute. Exactly. Fuck yeah.

How long have you been out here? I've been out here about a year. I've been doing this about six months. And where are you from? I'm from Indiana. What part? Southern Indiana, Evansville. Evansville.

I've been there. Oh, really? What a shithole. I know. I know. It's so bad. The comedy club was next to a Chuck E. Cheese. There's a comedy club there? There was.

It closed because it was in fucking Evansville. Was was next to a Chuck E. Cheese. There's a comedy club there? There was. It closed because it was in fucking heaven. Was it the Funny Bone? Yeah. Okay. And it was terrible. Yeah, I'm very sorry that you had to experience that. Did you go to that? I did and one of my worst experiences, I showed up to do the gig and there was a giant

like Wheel of Fortune on the stage. I go, what's that all about? They said, oh, everyone here is in a raffle to win a ticket to the Super Bowl, and right before you go on stage, they're going to select the winner. And I said, you mean after? They said, no, before.

So right before I go on stage, they give this guy the Super Bowl tickets, and everyone else is in a shit mood because they just lost. So dude gets Super Bowl tickets, bails. And I walk up and I'm a dick so I just went, what's up losers? And it was an uphill battle from that point on.

So it's probably good that you started comedy out here and not there. Yeah. No, you would have written a note to your parents about how you ended it. And that's why. I like the fact that your dad just went right to asking if you're in porno. Yeah, he worries a lot about it. Did he not know?

Does he think you might be? I don't know. I mean, did he really ask that? No. Do you have a video on the internet that we should know about I don't know do I I would know there's still time you've only been out here six months

but no no he I mean he worries about me a lot and he just he always jumps to the worst conclusion of what porno's not the worst. There's not a lot of money in porno. If he had jumped to, are you fucking elephants? That'd be a jump.

Oh, okay. There you go. I think you're funny. Wait, that's just a sound effect this whole time? I thought we actually had a... I like it. It was genuine. It was stuff I hadn't heard before,

which is rare coming from a young comic. Okay. And, you know, you could have gotten into it a little quicker. Just, you know, you don't have to set up the whole picture. You just have to tell us what we know to get the joke. So you can just be like, my family are dicks and you know i have a bad set and my brother's like you know you know maybe i'm not funny but you know just get through it as fast as possible yeah uh you know brevity is key in what we do so it's just what i try to do is i'll write out the

what i like word for word and then I just take out all the words that I don't need. Like, you know, so it's just bare minimum. Because you're,

as comics, we're conversational anyway. You're going to add the words. You're going to make it, it's not like you're just going to go up there and be like random sentence fragments.

Like you're going to make it so that they can fucking understand it. So you just, you know, just really remember the punchline and shit and get to make it so that they can fucking understand it. So you just really remember the punchline and shit and get to it as fast as you can. I always feel like I've got to set it up so they understand exactly what's going on. You did it more like acting almost.

You're not talking to me. If you told me the same story, you would tell me a different way than how you just did it. The way that you were talking to us right now and listening, that's kind of how you want to connect with that room. You just kind of want to tell them that story and then hit those punchlines so that we're listening like you're talking

to someone at a bar. That's what I think. I think it should always feel like, man, I was just talking to my brother and God, he fucking, he just jumps, he's on my ass. And then my dad got on the phone and told him about the speeding ticket. He thought I was doing porn

and I said yes and I need money for, you know, it's just I need money for what? Whatever you want to do. It's just Oh, was that out loud? And you can reset that and tell us and tell them like you told us that

your dad always jumps to the worst conclusion and then you could even have more things rattling off. Yeah, that's a good way. And I'll also say this, even if you have a minute I think you should always find your spot, take a breath, let the room

adjust to seeing you for one second, say hi and then just go for it. It's better to do like a killer minute. Sorry. Sorry, that was my penis. Every once in a while it whistles

when I feel I'm talking to a girl. But just a slow rise. Don't try and squeeze two minutes into one minute. Squeeze, or just have 45 seconds in a minute. That's what I do. It's true. Like, if I'm doing 30, I plan out 25.

And worst comes to worst, I leave at 28 minutes. Well, what if sometimes they're like, oh, you can't leave at 28 minutes. You have to do, you've got two more minutes. You have to do two more. Then just stand there and be pretty. I don't know what club you're working where that happens. Yeah, I've never been to a club where they're like, you went two minutes short. You're at 28 minutes,

stretch it. Yeah. I know, I heard a story once about a comic who's supposed to do 30 minutes and they only did 26

and they tried to get off stage and the person was like, you have four more minutes. Don't ever listen to any stories about comics. Oh, yeah, don't. No? No, it's one thing

if you're doing 45 and you bail at 30, but at two minutes, listen, you know, comedy's one way to see it. It's one thing if you're doing one minute and you try and get out at 50 seconds yeah like you fucking stay there for 10 more seconds but yeah comedy club waitresses have drug problems they want to get the fuck out of there quicker than anybody else so it's like two minutes earlier great let's do blow for six months in you're really comfortable

on stage do you have like a acting or theater background or something yeah I went to acting school for two years and

there's an acting school there are plenty of them yeah there's a lot willing to take your money yeah absolutely I went to Ada

which is on La Brea and oh of course yeah she's a thief I'm a thief no she is no the Brea. Oh, of course. Yeah, she's a thief. I'm a thief. No, she is. No, the chick over there. No, I'm kidding.

She sounds great. You have nice lips. Oh, thank you. There you go. Brian always has the most. Brian's the chairman of wisdom over here. Unfortunately, he was looking right at me when he said it. Gianne, thank you so much.

That's Gian Whitney, everybody. Her first time on Kill Tony. She's on Twitter at Gian Lenora. Well, what's that? What's that last name? What is that? Leonora. Well, what is that?

Your last name? My middle name. Leonora? What's wrong with your last name? I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to change it back. Oh, yikes. Gian Leonora, everybody. You just do't know how to change it. I don't know how to change it back. Oh, yikes. Giann Leonora, everybody.

You just do it. You just change it like that. You just say, here's my last name and stick with it. Man, first name, middle name for the Twitter handle. I can't change my name. I've already told someone it's Leonora. You sure she hasn't been on before? I swear to God, I remember those lips.

Jesus Christ. Maybe she is in porn. Maybe her dad's right. I would know. Yeah, I love the point that you hit, and I think that's definitely something worth noting on this show because I feel like that's often something that I hear people say is, oh, I think I went...

Often the note is that people are going too fast, and there's nothing worse than trying to squeeze in a minute and 20 seconds worth of jokes and punch lines into a minute and having nothing hit because nobody really knows because you feel robotic and so then we don't even get to really absorb the punch line so it is very important to take your time on this you know what i mean like a 45 minute 45 second the truth is i think even if you don't get to your punchline in your minute you're gonna have a minute on the chair and you can even say hey here's where i was trying to get to i mean as long as it's

a real conversation right i think yeah i think in life you should just talk about it and say fuck i didn't even get to my punchline well maybe you're a little slow it's it's better it better be a That's what the bear is for That bear comes out Okay Your next comedian everybody Here we go Amir Khalil Amir Khalil Coming from the back Here he is

He's already wiping the sweat I love it Amir everybody Hi guys Coming from the back. Here he is. He's already wiping the sweat. I love it. Amir, everybody. Please answer the phone, Amir. Hi, guys. I really did not expect this. I had a dream with Shaquille O'Neal.

He was dressed as Kazam, the genie. And he said he's going to grant me one wish. I said, I want to grow three more inches. But not taller, I mean. You know, down there, you know. And so he left. Your wish has been granted. And he disappears in a blunderbuss of smoke. And I said, whoo, all right. Thanks, Shaq. What am I supposed to do now with two three-inch dicks? You're looking at me like, I know what you can do, Widow. All right, that's my one minute, fellas.

That's 42 seconds. That's 42. Fuck yeah. Get back out there and do your 18 seconds. No, I'm kidding. All right, well, that's interesting. Okay, well, let's start at the beginning. Well, that's interesting. Okay. Well, let's start at the beginning.

That's a good place. I like how you went right into it. You know, if they don't get that you're referencing your dick, fuck them. You know what I'm saying? You don't have to say, you know, down there. I feel like it cheapens it a little bit. Just let it sit there. Because if anything else, it shows confidence in the joke.

If I can just sit there and go, yeah, I just said that. I like that. Yeah. That's great. I think there should be more. I think it's like I'm waiting for there to be a Shaq thing. Well, and I like the turn. I like the two three-inch dicks like that.

I didn't see that coming. You know... Here was my problem with it. Because I think you're funny, and I think you're smart enough to know that... But it was a joke. So when you come up on stage, it almost felt like you could have been doing a knock-knock joke. Right, right.

So you have to find a way to make it not feel like a joke. Okay. I mean, it was like everyone thought they, you know, a genie. I had a dream about it. No, you didn't. Right. I didn't. That's right. You know, so immediately they're like, fucking, this is a real complicated dream he had. So it's tough to make that funny.

Okay. Yeah, you want to make it genuine to yourself, you know. You know, sometimes I wish I fucking could walk upon a genie and ask him for a bigger dick then they'll be like well fuck we all wish we could ask for something instead of saying I had a dream last night about Shaq that's a fucking shitty dream

if you're dreaming about Shaq you should be asking yourself some deeper questions especially in Shazam Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, if you're dreaming about Shaq, you should be asking yourself some deeper questions. Especially in... Especially in Shazam. If you're dreaming about Shazam, fucking don't go to bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's worse than Freddy Krueger.

You know what I mean by that? Yeah, I want therapy now. Get up there and talk about... Get up there and talk about your day, you know? Something funny happened today. Like, tomorrow you can say... Tomorrow you can do a joke about how last night I did a fucking shitty dream joke. No, you see that?

You see how funny that is? Boom. Thank you. I'm glad you said it. I didn't want to say it. No, but he knows. He fucking knows. Especially when you start attacking someone in the audience at 40 seconds in.

Thank you. That was great. Yeah. But just talk about your day. You're funny. You're relaxed. Just get some material. Okay.

Yeah. I really did not expect to go on tonight. That was quite a pleasure. I love that you said that. But you did sign up for the show. When you get in your car and you drive somewhere, it's like, fuck, I didn't expect to drive there. Right.

When you win an Academy Award, deep down you're hoping you get on that podium. So don't come up and pretend you don't want to be here. We know that you're here for a reason. Right. Oh yeah, yeah, definitely. Now me personally, I do not want to

fucking be here. I'm kidding. It's comedy. Thank you so much. That's Amir Khalil. Thank you guys. Thank you everybody. Amir Khalil comedy

on Twitter. That's at Amir Khalil, K-A-L-I-L comedy on Twitter. That was awesome. Fuck, yeah. Kirk, you and I just did the Travers Fest.

You were there with me. Yes, I was, Tony. Travers City, Michigan, correct? Yeah, in a winter land. Three or four days, I saw you every day. It was a lot of Tony. Yeah, we had a lot of fun, right? There was laughter.

I enjoyed it. Heck, yeah. We drank at night and slept during the day. That's right. Drank very heavily. I told jokes at night it's cold it's creepy when you go to a place that's on the east coast and you're having that much fun like a comedy fest

and you're around comedians because all of a sudden you feel like you have a very serious problem when you're drinking at 5.30 in the morning but the night before it was 2.30 in the morning you know but it's like you look at the clock and you're just like god I'm not I'm still having a blast before it was 2.30 in the morning. You look at the clock and you're just like, God, I'm still having a blast and it's 5.30.

First off, Geography King, Michigan is not on the East Coast. It was more of that time zone. It is if you're drinking at 5.30 in the morning. If you're drinking at 5.30 in the afternoon, Nevada is on the East Coast if you're going to get that fucked up. It was a time zone thing, Chris.

Yeah, it's the East Coast time zone. I like that. It was about the three. So basically, you can be anywhere you want. It's still not on the East Coast. It's because Chattanooga's in the East Coast. But the East Coast has the same time zone as Michigan. The East Coast, it depends on how far you want to go east.

I guess you're right. I'm about as far east as I'd like to go, so this is the east coast for me. You don't do regular Hollywood? We'll be right back. And it really is. I'm telling you. And this was the inside joke all weekend with Kirk. He kept doing that at the most perfectly timed moments.

If you know anything about Kirk, he's a fucking timing guru, so he'll sit on something for a while. Five years. I should have a house by now. I bet you have been. You kept hitting me with that.

My knees buckled so hard at one point. We were walking back to the hotel. Your knees are very tiny. I do have tiny knees. They buckle and wait. Matt jumped in the snow. He was having so much fun at one point. But...

What was that? Oh, a fun fact about the East thing, though, Chris, is that, like... Oh, I've been there a lot. Our perception, one thing that I've been looking at recently on these crazy learning websites is that, like, Cleveland, Ohio is farther East.

Is Pornhub a learning website? Yeah, that's it. I learned this on RedTube. These crazy fucking learning websites. There Is Pornhub a learning website? Yeah, that's it. I learned this on RedTube. These crazy fucking learning websites. There's Pornhub. I learned how to not fuck. Cleveland, Ohio is farther east than Tampa Bay, Florida. Yes, it is.

And Pittsburgh is farther east than, I think, Orlando. And that was information you thought you'd never use. Which is right on the almost to the complete east coast, literally. But because it's a fucking circle,

our shit's thrown off. Fuck yeah. I'm obsessed with this shit lately. Another one is Reno, Nevada is farther west than Los Angeles. You're laughing. He showed it to me. I wouldn't believe it. He showed it to me and it's true.

It's insanity. Because California goes like that. Anyway. Geography. Why aren't there girls just surrounding you right now? They're all on the east coast. Yeah. They're in Reno.

Why aren't there just models galore in bikinis? Fucking Tony got in my head with this fucking geography. He starts rattling off capitals, and I'm almost there. Pull my hair and tell me what's north of South Dakota. How are you doing over there, Iron Man? See ya. Good, man. I'm glad I know that.

That's the best one yet. Speaking of sitting on a joke, look at this guy, fucking 40 minutes in. I'm just glad I got that information, Tony. Now when I take the citizenship, guess what? I'm gonna pass it. I love the hand quarter. Here we come. Alright, let's get another

comedian up here. If you really want to get citizenship, keep that microphone next to your dick. Yeah. Your next comedian's name is Brett Banta. When I saw you walking down the street, I said that's the kind of gal I like to meet. Hi, my name is Brett Banta. I have three daughters. They're half Japanese.

Their names are Kiyomi, Mina, and Hiya! They're karate kids. Sweep the leg. But Danny, we're at IHOP. My daughters are always mispronouncing words. They'll say penis when they mean peanuts. And it's always when there's cops around. They'll say daddy give me more penis now I just feed them almonds in that nuts I have a twin brother he has blonde hair and blue eyes he looks like a movie star I look like a

POW I don't sleep very well I don't really brush my teeth. And I like crying out for help. Do anything for my twin brother, I'd take a bullet for him. I also have a half-brother. I'd take a bullet for him too, but only from the waist down. That is a minute. Thank you. That's usually when you would say

thank you very much. Thank you very much. There you go. Brett, that's a... I like your cadence. I think you have an interesting style to you. I like your material. You look incredibly frightened. And I know that's part of being... How long have you been doing this?

Almost two years. How often when you say two years? I try and get up like four times a week at least. Multiple mics. Are you nervous though? Are you just

kind of working that angle? No, I'm nervous. You look like you're in a video where you're telling people how well they're treating you now that you've been captured by the enemy. That's the kind of demeanor I'm getting from you. Yeah, true.

And your material's really funny. But you look so frightened up there that I don't want to laugh because I'm afraid you're going to pull a weapon out. Yeah, I feel like you have a give a bomb under that shirt I mean I'm exaggerating to an extent you're just like I start drinking I don't know but that's it I think that's a really one point is I I've been sober I'm pretty bad with drinking but I don't bring everybody down but I've been sober. I'm pretty bad with drinking. I don't want to bring everybody down, but I've always wanted to do comedy.

When I got sober, it takes a lot to get up on stage. Absolutely. Cough syrup. I love cough syrup. You're funny, though. If I can tell you you are funny,

take that with you on stage. And you've got to kind of have this I don't give a fuck attitude. Yeah. When I have a cold or I had the flu once, I went up and did over mic. My twin brother was like, you. I'll tell you what you should do. Sorry. No, you don't have to apologize but what i'm saying is you're

funny and as nervous and creepy as you are it slow it down yeah because it's gonna help you because you were slow that night you had the flu you were just chilled and that that should that'll help you breathe into communicating with the people. I'd get the hand out of the pocket, you know. No, because I used to do it too. I mean, I still do. It was the worst. And it's a shitty habit, you know.

Once the hand's out, you'll start working on your posture. But you have good jokes. And if you slow it down, they're going to hit even harder because you're blowing through some of the laughter. And if you pause long enough, they'll realize it's okay to laugh without hurting you. Yeah, I'm trying to work on pausing. Right, and slowing it down is also another way to show confidence that you don't have. And I know it sounds weird, but you have to be pretty deliberate,

and to you it's going to sound all kinds of fucked up like you're talking to them like they're stupid but you have to realize these people don't know what you're saying even though you think they know yeah they don't know the words that are about to come out of your mouth so you have to give them time to take them in and figure out what they mean and it might and and the way you deliver a joke, it might take them a minute to even realize, oh, fuck. Not a literal minute. No, but give them a beat. Because you're blowing through

where laughter might be. You have nice lips. There you go. An equal opportunity harasser. Super funny, man. Yeah, totally. Seriously, you are very funny. You really have three daughters?

I have two, but I just worked in the high-yaw. We'll see. That's how good you are. We totally bought it. But you know what's funny? What you should say after that joke is say, I was kidding. I don't have three daughters.

The one that's fake will be the other. Use the other name. Okay. A real handful. Just say, I'm lying. I don't have three daughters. What was the first name of the daughter? Kiyomi.

Kiyomi is made up. Yay. That's great. That's why I have an apartment yeah and I would lose I know how to work if you have a real Japanese wife yeah congratulations that's awesome did she help you get out of the POW camp do you have another job? No, I mean, I'm trying to figure out how to make ends meet and still go up every night. Good, man.

Just keep riding. I love that Chris is asking for another beer to Josh, who's on the other side of Brett, and he just wants a drink so bad while Chris is holding up this glass. Listen, I'll have a beer, too. This show is driving me to drink. Yes, sir. I'll have another Hinchcliffe.

What's a Hinchcliffe? It's a Crown Royal Coke. The fact that you're sober is driving me to drink, so that's good. Your set was successful. The only thing I would lose with no hesitation is that that's just nuts, part of that thing. That noise that you heard when you heard that That's silly If you're going to sit in it If you're going to do it, fucking sit in it

and just bathe in it That was awful I'll make a terrible joke The truth is if they don't laugh do it again Let them know that they were right terrible joke. The truth is if they don't laugh, do it again. Yay. Fucking let them know that they were right. That's hilarious.

That's what I do. I'll tag something three or four times until they really know that I think it's good. Then they'll realize they should be laughing. Brett, I love your style. Thank you so much. Brett Banta. He's on Twitter at Brett J. Banta. How fun.

Premature. One more geography fun fact that I forgot to mention earlier is that Detroit, if you travel directly south from Detroit, you end up in Canada. It's 100% true. I looked at it.

Not everybody knows that. Did you hear that noise that the crowd made, you son of a bitch? So no, you're wrong, Mr. Voice in the Darkness hater guy. Everybody knows that. Geography hater. Yeah. Hater of American facts. See, that's the guy that tries to steal all my geography puss that I try to get.

Everyone knows that. Your next comedian is Dan Lawler, everybody. Here he comes. I wonder if he's any relation to Jerry the King. That's exquisite. We're in together for Dan Lawler, everybody. Hey. Any more Jerry the King jokes, or did we do those all last time?

Hi, guys. How's it going? Good? Great. I do those all last time? Hi, guys. How's it going? Good? Great. I'm going to drop some knowledge on you guys. Check it out. Coffee was originally discovered because in South America, goats would go and eat the beans and they'd start jumping around, you know, so the farmers would know it was good.

Bestiality was discovered because goats look damn sexy when they jump around, right? So the farmers know it's good guys that one the goat that's the goat's fault because i mean you tried denying a horny goat some uh some dick not gonna go well for you labia labia labia labia you know i'm saying labia labia is actually both the plural as well as singular form of the word like uh like deer you know so if one of your friends just mentions deer labia in casual conversation, could literally be talking about an infinite number of woodland vaginas.

It's a lot of deer pussy. It's possibly too much Bambi box to even consider. But just watch your ass, watch your labias. Thanks. I gotta tell you if you could get your material to catch up to your delivery you'd have something because you have such great confidence

and your brain's working. You didn't like the jokes, though. I didn't even hear it. You lost me. I didn't hear a – I mean, I'm not saying this to be offensive, but I didn't really hear a punchline. Like, I heard a lot of, like, you're saying funny things. Funny words. Funny words.

And Kirk's absolutely right. I mean, I was into it. You say woodland vaginas, you're going to get somewhat of a laugh. You mean, I was into it. You had a lot of good words there. You had a ton of funny words. They just weren't in the right order. Right. Okay, all right.

I mean, I know everyone wants to be alt and shit, but a joke requires a punchline. That's just how it is. And in order to have a punchline, you've got to have a setup. And in order to have a setup, you have to have a premise. And so that's just, it's math. And so, like, you're going somewhere. But we just need to get there. That's the whole thing.

And that's exactly what I meant. And I know we only have a minute, and you may be going somewhere. I mean, if there's somewhere you were going, is there a big punchline that we didn't get to no so it's like we're on a journey but we need a destination and that's what a punchline is

it'd be like you know you could use that as a setup like that could be a long setup and then the punchlines would need to come now you know I was reading about coffee and goats and there's a lot of fucking going on in Brazil. Right now, I feel like...

And then you lead into something. Why do they fuck the goats? Because they dance. They're fucking dancing because they drink coffee. But I'm into labia. Do goats have labia? I don't know. Yes. Now that joke works. And for five grand, you can... I'll give you the order of it. Do goats have labia? I don't know. Yes, they do.

Now that joke works. For five grand, I'll give you the order of it. No, but you know what I mean? It's like, fuck, you have great confidence and a great voice. You just got to tie it into something. So it's leading something. Sure. Yeah, just sort of tie together two bestiality jokes to do the minute.

But yeah, maybe they lead tomorrow. Which isn't a sentence that's so long. Well, maybe you don't need to tie two bestiality jokes together. You should just work on one. Or have a bestiality chunk and just work it all together. Or a coffee chunk. You decide what you're feeling at the time. I really think the coffee chunk would lead

into the bestiality chunk. Yeah. Yeah, you always gotta have coffee before you fuck animals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's math as well. You wanna be alert for that

because they're kicking. Oh, yeah. The goats especially. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm from Kansas. Trust me, I know. When you fuck an animal, you need to keep

your head on a swivel. And I'm from San Diego, so when you drink a lot of coffee, see it's just two different worlds. Right. And then once the humans are drinking coffee, they want to fuck the animals more. So the two things just keep feeding into one another.

The goats are jumping more, the people have more energy to fuck. Yeah. I'll tell you this. Our job is to confuse you to the point where you don't remember if it was ever funny to you. We're there. That's where we are. I can tell you this. Don't get a girl stoned or she won't fuck you. That's all I got.

And then the labia thing, I mean, so labia is plural for labia, so there's no such thing as labias? Right. Or a labi. But where did the labia, so there's no such thing as labias? Right. No, labia is multiple. Or a labi. Wow. But where did the labia come in?

Because it sounded like you just threw it out there. Is it because it's a funny word? Yeah, yeah. It's like a random transition. So your labia is your transitional word? Yeah. When I do a longer set, I'll do a little labia rap. Labia is my safety word, which is

really confusing. In West Hollywood, it's not. No, not in WeHo. No, you say labia, that's just a fucking buzzkill. But I will say this. If you're going to have a transitional word, don't have one that just confuses

people and makes them wonder if they missed something earlier. And we don't need transitions. We're in this MTV society where you can literally just stop a joke and start the next one. And the audience isn't going to look at each other and be like, where's the segue? I didn't know. Where are we going? They don't give a fuck.

As soon as you start that first statement, they're like, okay, now we're talking about bestiality now. They're fine. You don't need to lure them in. You can just be like, great joke. It's almost better to have nothing. Yeah. Because now you know they're listening. Yeah.

That was sort of halfway between the two different ways I would normally do it. I'll either do like a labia rap for five or ten seconds or I'll just say, so labia and just... Yeah, we just saw you at Tourette's. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a labia rap. It's to Coolio's Fantastic Voyage. You have a rap song about labias?

Yes, and it's to the tune of Coolio's Fantastic Voyage. And you do too? Slide, slide, that's the path. I almost passed out just then for some reason. You do some rap? Joke raps. Not like real raps.

But yeah, I'll do a rap battle. You look like a member of Drive-By Truckers. For the eight people who know that. Hey man, you have a good delivery and you're confident and you're cool. Just, you know. Yeah. Just instead of a labia rap. Just, you know, instead of a labia wrap, just, you know,

wrap up one of your jokes. Wrap up the joke. What? We're all family here. Shit, I wish I had someone like me when I was you. Maybe there's something in, you know, mentioning that...

Cut to tomorrow. I'm doing a fucking labia coffee animal fucking joke that's just killing. Maybe there's something in mentioning that you know, that fucking, that you know a lot about vagina, but not the types of things

that other people know. Like, you're a master of vocabulary and things like that. It's the shit that you're interested in. Then it becomes a cool joke. Yeah, I mean, I have other jokes about vaginas. I have other jokes about words and things. I just happened to put together two BCL jokes to make this minute. But where does all this vagina knowledge lead you?

I think it's what we want to know as an audience. It's on a fantastic voyage of pussy. See? And I want to hear about that. See, like a joke should have a big da-da, like at the end of whatever. It doesn't have to happen right at the end of every sentence, but at the end of the chunk. Yeah, and a lot of times with the labia joke, the woodland vaginas, the infinite number of woodland vaginas will get a big laugh. Right.

And I could see why that would be. But again, that's just funny words. It's just woodland vaginas is funny together. I mean, that was the first thing I thought of when I heard that. I'm just like, that is the epitome of not a joke. I mean, it's just really two funny words. You're just saying woodland vaginas. It's a hipster band.

Which is a great trick to do in between punchlines and setups and things. And in Oregon you don't even have to say woodland vagina. You can just say vagina. No, it goes without saying. If you see a vagina, you know it's woodland. It's from the woodlands, yeah. True. And they get their hands on that coffee.

Anyway. Is just having foreplay with an animal illegal or is that still considered no it's all illegal like you can't even fucking ask a goat out anymore I mean if you

those sons of bitches if like if you kiss your own dog longer than a minute yeah yeah yeah somebody kicks in the door the rule is

it can lick you but it can't you can't lick it. That's the rule. Different states are different times. You're allowed to kiss your dog for three minutes in West Virginia, but in California... Oh, in West Virginia, you can marry your fucking dog.

As long as it's not... You can marry your goat in West Virginia as long as it's not the same sex as you, right? Yeah, yeah. Isn't West Virginia the exact... What's not the same sex as you, right? Isn't West Virginia the exact... What angle is that to a different city? Believe it or not,

West Virginia is actually east of most of the country. They should call it not quite as east as the other Virginia, Virginia. Dan Lawler, thank you so much. That's at the Dan Lawler. Thank you, Dan. That's fun.

We're trucking along. Maybe a fucking funny word. I think it's a... I don't... Is it a funny word? I don't know. I don't think it is. Maybe it's a beautiful word.

What about pussy lips? That's the most American you've sounded this whole time. What about pussy lips? I'm the Mexican patriot. Have you ever seen pussy lips so big a little like two stingrays hugging? Yes. There you go.

I lost you in pussy lips. Brian loves those kinds of lips. I don't like that word. Pussy. I don't even say it. I don't even like to think it. I don't either. It's fun in the heat of the moment where girls say it.

I don't ever say it. I just point at it. You do? No. No. Give me those stingrays. Put your hands together for Clay Wiggins, everybody. I was back there reading my Star Wars novel.

Not paying attention to the show. I decided going full retard is to white actors what going full slave is to black actors. So good luck 12 Years a Slave because you're not going to win. You went full slave. I actually cannot watch those kind of movies like 12 Years a Slave

because I don't want to hate white people that much. I still need you because I'm not famous yet. I got a screener of it and I only made like 10 minutes in before I was just like, yeah, this is going to make me never, never want to see a white person alive again.

It's the same reason why I can't watch The Color Purple. I don't want to hate black men that much either. Every morning when I brush my teeth and I go to brush my tongue, I start to gag, and it makes me wonder, how come I can suck a dick so expertly and I cannot brush my teeth without feeling like I want to gag a whole pizza up?

I'm not going to believe you. There you go. I thought that was just the sound of you gagging up. That's a little bit what it sounds like. Were you really reading a Star Wars novel? That's pretty awesome. Exile, Legacy of the Force series. You know, the Tropic Thunder reference,

Tropic Thunder wasn't the most famous movie, so I don't think a lot of people in here got the reference. I did because I saw the movie, and I think it's fucking hilarious. Yes. But I was watching out in the audience, and I don't think a lot of them quite understood. So if you're going to do that, you might. It's a new bit.

Yeah, you might want to preface something. I don't know. Even if you reference the movie, it doesn't matter if they haven't seen it. So fuck thatface something. I don't know. Even if you reference the movie, it doesn't matter if they haven't seen it. So fuck that advice. But I don't know. It definitely got awkward in here. No, it didn't work.

Mainly because of all the white people. Probably. And I think if you gave examples, I think you're sort of painting a picture when you say the white's playing retarded people. I have a longer sort of version of it that I didn't quite do because it wasn't doing well, so I decided to switch it. Right.

Throw an example in there. Throw Gilbert Grape in there. Just something so we know that you're not going to hurt us. Forrest Gump, Gilbert Grape. You could hit any. But you've got to sort of just... Because if you're only mentioning the one side the one example and if you don't I feel

like if you don't compare the two well it wasn't working so I switched gears I decided to abandon it in the middle yeah but we don't we didn't know that right you know I would never don't abandon too soon because the punch might be right around the corner

we don't know that it's not supposed to be funny yet. And some of the biggest punches. No, it went very well downstairs. Some of the biggest punches come after the biggest silences. That's what's great about what we do is if you say something completely outlandish and something where the audience is like, what the fuck? And then you follow it with something that ties it all together and is hilarious.

It pays off tenfold. Because the audience, they don't want to be uncomfortable. So they'll be uncomfortable for a minute, but then they're hoping, they're fucking hoping you say something to let the room get their air back. Right. But the second that you switch topics

because you're abandoning it, then we know that you were done with that. But up until that point, and you're still blowing up this balloon that if it pops, creates laughter, but then you're just letting go of that, letting it fart away, and then

picking up another balloon. Where that balloon had air in it. Meanwhile, all the white people in here think they're racist. Right. Totally. We feel really guilty. White people did two centuries ago. Yeah.

Well, the fact that you watched 12 Years a Slave and could only handle 10 minutes a slave, I mean, that's a joke. There's a joke in there. Oh, there it is. Yeah, that's definitely funny. And you can do it. I mean, that's a joke. There's a joke in there. Oh, there it is. Yeah, that's definitely funny. And you can do it. I can't because I've tried it.

Because it's like I saw 12 Years a Slave after four years I got it. I can't do that joke. And the fact that you're the type of chick that's reading a Star Wars book, I mean, there's so much there. That type of thing. Yeah, I have a lot of that. Awesome. That I there. That type of thing.

I have a lot of that that I've been doing for a while. You're easy to listen to. You're easy to look at. I would trust that you can make that funny at any minute. It's newish. I've only been doing it a week or two. The key to making a joke that doesn't

work is finding out what the audience isn't there's obviously some sort of logic bridge that you're not crossed that you're not helping the audience cross and so it's it's finding out what that is and i also think there's many there's a ton of examples that was very affectionate well i just want to let him know that he's on the right track and that i'm about to interrupt. Yeah, yeah. But it's just like you have all these examples of white guys playing mentally challenged. You get Sean Penn, you get everyone, and they all get Academy Awards.

Yeah. And then the black guys who play the slaves. I think it sets up a good world, but you didn't set up the world, so we were just scared. Yeah, you just assumed that we'd all seen Tropic Thunder and that we would get the reference and that movie didn't do her well in the theaters. In color purple.

80s right? That's 90s. I feel like it's like even if you've never seen the movie like you can have it. It's like one of those like I've never seen Braveheart but I can get the references. Who the fuck has never seen Braveheart? What the fuck are you doing? Reading Star Wars books

in the back of comedy clubs? Yeah, basically. I've never seen Braveheart, but I get to never take our freedom. I figured it was on that sort of level. To some extent, you need to relish in the audience not liking you a little bit. Tony does it all the time. Yes, it's one of my favorites.

I've literally made a living out of it. I know you have only a minute, and we're sitting here judging Tony does it all the time. I've literally made a living out of it. I know you have only a minute and we're sitting here judging you and it's fucking weird. That's the environment we're in. It shows you that these two minutes after the joke, we see your twinkle

and we see your charm. I'm an adorable person. We didn't see it in the joke. In the joke, it sounded mean and bitter. You hate me. We were all sitting there like, you know that was a long time ago. We're still angry, white man.

I know you are. And in the Midwest, you have every right to be because all those people still hate you. I'm from San Francisco. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Out here, we all don't give a fuck. We hate white people for a different reason. You know, we just want to get high in fucking Uber places.

And we're all just... And what was the exact comparison of the white retard and the black slave again? That's a tropical thing. It's like a... It's sort of like an SAT phrase question, like, going full retard is to white actors what going full slave is to black actors.

In Tropic Thunder, Robert Downey Jr., who's black at the time, has this whole conversation with how certain, how you can't win the Academy Award if you go full retard. Like Sean Penn did it and he didn't win. Forrest Gump won, but he was dumb, but he wasn't full retard.

So that's what she was referencing. And you got into trouble because you thought there'd for a scum. Won, but he was dumb, but he wasn't full retard. So that's what she was referencing. And you got into trouble because you thought there'd be a laugh there. And the thing is, that's a hell of a setup. The laugh's not going to be on that line because it's so good you're getting people thinking. And then you start

giving the examples. And plus, just the word retard really freaks people out nowadays also. Yeah. Oh, they need to get over that. Okay. Yeah. I mean, what I would recommend doing

instead of saying retard is just going, or something like that. Yeah, yeah. And I'd get out of the habit of telling rooms to get over it because they won't. No, I mean, you know,

that's just in this conversation. Mongoloid's the better word I've heard. I think that's more offensive than retard, I think. No, it is. That was the joke. Yeah, I mean, which is, you know. But also, Mongoloid, I think that's more. Well, and here's, like, listen.

Multi-syllabic. I don't know if, this isn't CNN. It could be if it gets any fucking. Retard is in music. Like, it means to slow down. And that's if it gets any fucking ratio. Retard is in music. It means to slow down and that's where it comes from. So that's why when people say you're retarded, it means you're slower.

What you said about giving the examples clearer, I feel like I could say full retard because that's sort of the... Absolutely. And just don't assume that we've seen Tropic Thunder. You kind of have to explain that point. Yeah. Just say transgender instead.

You're killing me, Red Band. The views of Brian Red Band are not the views that... Klee? Yeah. So, did you say full retard and then full slave? Yes. so was it did you say full retard and then full slave and then right so now then tie in full monty just so that you can maybe get someone laughing i'll test drive that and see how that goes yeah i'm just saying if you're gonna go full retard full slave when everyone's uncomfortable then you bring in full monty and they'll not save i like it well that's what i'm here for

there you go but you know what I mean? By at least saying, at least let them know that you're going to get to a joke. Gotcha. And do you literally have a joke about reading a Star Wars novel? Or do you just have jokes about being a nerd? I just sort of have jokes about being a nerd,

like that reference, Star Wars. I have a joke about it. Because I think it's funny that you're literally reading the book, Star Wars. And if you can tie your Star Wars. I have a joke about it. I think it's funny that you're literally reading the book Star Wars. If you can tie your Star Wars into how good you can suck a dick. Because you mentioned that, right? By the way,

when you say expertly, did you take a test? This is just based on anecdotal feedback. From other guys? Yeah. Guys have finished me like, you're an expert at that. I'm more based upon their own physical reaction.

I'll tell you this. If a guy's getting a blowjob, he will say, you are an expert. We all are. Fuck, I came. You are an expert. I've never done that.

You know that Holy shit You are one of the best Do it again tomorrow Heck yeah I do what I can See I do it the other way I go See I'm like

You know what You should work on that And I give them notes Yeah but That's maybe why You're locked out Of your apartment We'll be right back.

I love it. Klee Wiggins, everybody. There she goes. She's on Twitter at Klee the Pimp. That's K-L-E-E. The Pimp. Fuck yeah. Changing lives.

Now, Kirk, you've probably heard this question before. Probably. So you don't even need to ask it. I'll ask Chris. I always ask everybody that is've probably heard this question before. Probably. So you don't even need to ask it. I'll ask Chris. I always ask everybody that is on the show this question. Do you remember a joke that you did when you were very first starting out doing stand-up that you're embarrassed about that's short that you'd want to share? No, it's not short.

I used to walk up on stage to Notorious B.I.G. It was off of the Ready... No, it wasn't Ready to Die. It was the one where he's a baby. There's a baby on the cover. No, I thought Ready to Die was the one with the hearse. Life After Death is your song. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there was Ready to Die.

Had that Notorious song on there. Not notorious. Yeah, I would walk out to that, try to get everybody to start dancing. And you're brand new at comedy, so you're literally less notorious than you've ever been. Yeah, I'm like, let's do this. You guys want to get naked?

And then I would take my shirt off, and then obviously no one would get naked. And so then I would stop the music. I'd go, okay, here's my impression of a greyhound. Because I was like a buck thirty, six five. And I would get up on a stool, like on all fours, and suck in my gut. And you could see all my ribs and shit. And it might have been the most

devastating like it would kill and that's when i realized how bad it was to be a like why strippers did drugs all the time because even it was just my shirt but you still have to like be in the mood to do that shit and some days you're not in the mood. I do remember my first joke now. What's yours, Kirk? My very first joke, I just remembered it because they'd have those commercials. It was like Kotex fits.

Period. And I was like, fuck, I should get into advertising. I could do that. It's like Charmin Soft, asshole. Then it's like, Trojans fit, dick. That's amazing.

And then Vagisil works, pussy. Wow. That's a great, there you go. Excuse me? That's the most positive heckle I've ever heard.

Thank you so much. We took a moment to interrupt the show to tell it. Thank you so much. We took a moment to interrupt the show. Thank you so much. Security. Security is going to love this next. I might have to work that joke back in. It's amazing, by the way.

I was totally just about to say that. A lot of the times, sometimes you'll find something that's so hilarious and they forget how funny it was. When they say it, they get that. Anyway, that's a hilarious one. Cut to I do it 12 times in my next set. Yeah.

Cut to Chris Porter later tonight in the original room with his shirt off, just sucking his cut. This worked 12 years ago. Right. Now it's the descended belly Greyhound. Or you're doing the full slave full retard joke. That's what we really need is a slave retard. That guy's gonna win. That guy's gonna win everything.

Right? If Forrest Gump and Bubba Gump. That would be the worst slave ever. Go pick cotton. Stop peeing on shit. Jamie Foxx could play a blind retarded slave. I know that for a fact.

That could play the piano. But not very well. Did you get an Academy Award for that? Your next comedian goes by the name of Al Gonzalez. Congratulations to the United States hockey team for winning over the Russians. Apparently Putin was so upset he put his shirt back on. My friend asked me if I was upset that the NSA was listening in on our phone calls. I was like, bro, I got Metro PCS.

I can barely listen in on my own phone calls. I got into an argument with a white supremacist. It was pretty intense. At some point he said this to me. He goes, just because you're Mexican doesn't mean you're tough. Folks, I was very confused. I didn't know whether to be insulted or thank him for not stereotyping me. So I said to him,

you wouldn't like me when I'm Mexican. And then I stole his job and I impregnated his sister, Chupacabra. Thank you. Big Al. Al Gonzalez. Big Al just featured for me in San Jose this weekend. Oh, really?

Yes, he did. Wow. What are the odds of that? That's so cool. He did a very great job. Thank you, Chris. Did he do more than a minute? Yeah, most of the time. He did 25 times longer than that.

Which is a lot. That's awesome. And then we would get super baked and drunk and listen to rock and roll music did the improv in san jose yes are you from do you live up there uh originally from san francisco yeah did you go to the dab house across the street i brought my own weed they were giving it out yeah yeah a dude at the san jose improv handed me so much hash that i couldn't hold it all in my hand and like spilled onto the floor and we were just picking like like in cincinnati we would have been arrested

handily like we're just picking up grams of hash off the floor and i'm just putting them in a envelope like that is awesome yeah so so how long have you been doing stand-up? Several years. What does that mean? Several. More than three? Yeah, since 2006. Do you enjoy it?

I love it. Do you ever get scared up there? All the time. Good. You're the very old school, like, just joke, joke, joke. And I'm not saying that as a slam. I'm just saying that's what it is. It's like,'s the setup here's the punch here's the joke and it's just boom boom boom and that's there's something to be commended for that yeah it's like meanwhile you

know tony and i go up or kirk and i go up for 30 minutes we have to remember six things and you have to remember 48 probably just because you know and Hedberg had to do the same thing just because of his jokes were so short his set list was 89 items right you know so I really dig what you do I mean in are you happy where you're at with it I'm never I'm never I'm never happy would happy. Would you like to work some stories into some of that as well? I mean, I do. Yeah, but he's got

more than a minute. He does do stories. I write a lot of setup punch jokes like that because I know in LA, I'm only going to get three minutes a lot of the times because I don't have TV credits. I don't have a movie credit. But I have a lot of longer jokes that I've been writing TV credits. I don't have a movie credit. But I have a lot of longer jokes that I've been writing that I've been working

on for quite a while. And when I got more stage time like I did this weekend with Chris, I'll do those longer bits where it's like a whole five minute bit where it's set up, punchline. My advice to you when you're in LA especially is you need to do the stuff that's

most you. If you're doing three minutes, write a three-minute piece. The thing with the jokey jokes, with the jokes, not that the jokes you write aren't great and not original. It's just that there's not a lot of voice behind it. And when people are looking for comics to book for shows and book for hours and shit like that, they want a voice. They want a point of view that's different from others. So you need to showcase that. And I'll tell you something.

I used to do a shitload of joke, joke, joke, those quick little snippets. And then one day I just took five of them and weaved them into one story, one little joke. And then suddenly it dawned on me like, oh, fuck. You can take five jokes that are in the same ballpark and weave it into a little story. It'll blow your mind because suddenly you're telling a story and then you start adding little things in there and then you start hearing your own voice as opposed to jokes. Because when you're just doing jokes, you know they're fucking jokes. They're just well-constructed jokes, which they are.

But even Mitch, he was doing these jokes, but he started connecting them and he'd get those little moments in between. It's those moments in between the jokes where we find out who we really are. Take five or six of those little snipers fucking connect them into a little story and

it'll be exciting. It's like the music we were listening to. It's like the music we respond to is music we can attach ourselves to. The comedy is the same way. The comics you really glom onto are the comics that you're like, I can fucking have a beer with that guy. That guy knows where I'm coming from.

And so your audience wants to know, I like this guy's jokes, but where's he coming from? That's why the music you love is because this guy's saying shit. He's putting words to feelings. They want to know who you are. They want to feel your vulnerability and if you're scared. And when they feel that and when they know that and when they feel like they're invested in you,

that's when they start following you and wondering where your next performance is because they want to know what you have to say. So just show them that. I mean, you're a great joke writer. Show them, you know, show, you know. Show them who the guy is that's writing the jokes absolutely yeah that's for me that's been something that's just recently happening within the last

year and it comes like there trust me i found out some shit about myself i didn't like and it's like it's kind of a therapeutic thing oh we're all learning about what we don't like a bunch very funny job though. Thank you so much. Al Gonzalez. He's on Twitter at BigAssComedy. You actually got that Twitter handle, huh? At BigAssComedy. That's that guy, Al Gonzalez.

That's pretty good to be, you know, be able to do comedy, feature around Cali seven years in. Especially San Jose. That's like a small theater. You made more money than we did this weekend. Oh, put your hands together for

Kill Tony favorite Kevin Christie, ladies and gentlemen, saying hello. Very nice. We also have another friend of the show that's here tonight who's going to do a spot right now. Do we get to judge them? Yeah, whatever we've been doing, whatever you want to call it.

She is an awesome friend of the show. She had her first stand-up appearance ever on this show and she's been back a couple times since. It's always fun. Put your hands together for Missy Martinez, everybody. She is. Fitting. Very fitting.

So I never realized how much me doing porn affects my day-to-day life. Besides not being allowed 50 yards within a school, I can't go to heaven, and my vagina looks like a twice-baked potato now. Like, just little things. I go to the movies, and someone needs to get up and get in front of me I just put both my legs behind my head and it's convenient but it's really awkward at funerals and family functions

and then even little things like if I go out to relax like with my girlfriend she took me to the spa and they said it was time for my facial so of course I immediately dropped to my knees and stuck out my tongue and told the Korean lady not to get it in my hair so yeah I'm not allowed back at Tiffany's shopping for pearl necklaces fantastic you know what I love

about the way that you do it is you always talk about you always make sure that you set up who you are and what you do first and that gives that fun perspective and then the jokes follow that. I mean, that's sort of like what we were talking about about staying in the same sort of storyline and pocket and she's talking about that and those are funny. What's another one like that?

Pearl necklace. I did dig it and you know, it was funny when you walked up with those pants, the first thing I was like, we should talk about those pants. My jeggings? Well, the thing is like with chicks, man, it's And you know, it was funny when you walked up with those pants, the first thing I was like, we should talk about those pants. My jeggings? Well, the thing is, like, with chicks, man, it's like, you're sexual beings, and so it's like, especially with dudes, like, if you go up with

pants like that, like, we're all just staring at your legs and your vagina and shit. I consciously made a decision to be fully, completely clothed. Yeah, but there's still skin on you. Damn, but there's so did I. I see your vagina. You made the wrong fucking decision.

I don't know where you want to get in comedy, but you're making the wrong fucking decision. My point is really you want them to focus on the words that are coming out of your mouth. And there's so many things that can distract them. I say the same thing when comics use the a word incorrectly and i'm like you're just giving you're fighting the audience wanting to talk to themselves right and so like

if you use a word incorrectly they're going to be looking at each other going that mother doesn't know how to talk and it's the same way like if you walk up with those pants you're jaggings they're still like can you see your fucking vagina i can see your fucking vagina and it's the same way, like, if you walk up with those pants, your jeggings, they're still like, can you see your fucking vagina? I can see your fucking vagina. And it's like, but then you go up and you're wearing a shirt that says filthy and then you're like, I'm a porn star. And you're immediately talking about your vagina is like, looks like a twice-baked potato. It does. That's fine.

And it's hilarious. But now I'm kind of looking at it going, does it? Even if you were wearing ten pairs of sweatpants, when you say you're a porn star, every guy in the room is going to try to find your vagina. Yeah, yeah. You could be wearing a snowsuit, and we would still just look for a few seconds. Maybe not have a silhouette of it. You know what I'm saying?

Maybe just wear it. I do suffer from chronic camel toe syndrome. Right. And that's something that... That might be from the pornography. That's something that we've never been afraid to share that with female comedians on this show. Because it's just an honest fact of life. You can walk a line, and I could tell that you tried with the shirt.

I did. Because it's probably hard to cover up a lot of the magic that you have going on. There's some other tags that she can use almost like an ATM like if there's something a cash machine or I always just

cash my checks because I refuse to even go to an ATM like if that's something that well and I think but also you need to limit the number of taglines like you don't have a giant eight foot tail on the back of your joke you know where you're just like here's the joke and now here's 97 other taglines like let's narrow it down to the three best ones true of the 97 we have and to just nail those and if they're still laughing then maybe nail out a fourth. And do you have a lot of jokes that aren't porn-related?

Yes. Get rid of them. Get rid of them. No, I'm kidding. Right now I'm focusing on bringing the porn stuff to life because, as Red Van and Tony were telling me, I have an interesting perspective that no one else has. Absolutely, and it's usually captured on camera,

which is also nice. Try to project your voice also I try to be more like this today yeah yeah that's another thing you can't do without guys immediately you should talk like this and just you know see what happens

do this a little more while you're talking, that'd be awesome. Listen, you're funny and you have a great delivery. Yeah, no, and your stage presence is great. Yeah, totally. You know, just wear some pants. Wear some pants. I'm not like, I fucking can't stop looking at this. My dad was right.

And I can't remember, did you... Did he pick out that top? He dresses me. Did she move the mic stand or did it stay? I moved it. You did? Oh, yeah. You should have tried to find a way to put the mic stand inside of you instead of having

to move it off stage. That would be... Like just to hide it. Okey dokey. Yikes. Hashtag yikes. Hashtag yikes. Missy, always funny.

Awesome stuff. Heck yeah. Yeah, I'd say I love how she left the mic after that. Just flaccid. When she's done, she's done. Yep. Got the money shot and out.

Need a fluffer for that mic. That's Missy X Martinez on Twitter. Good job, Missy. Heck yeah. Another great one. Was that your fourth time? Third time? Third time. Awesome. Fantastic. And what's cool is that... You're a natural. What's that?

She's a natural. It's true. Yeah. And if you can fuck on film doing jokes on stage should be cake. Yeah. Or bouquet-key. We'll be right back. You son of a bitch. We'll be right back. We always have two regulars that go up at the end of every show

and it's always fun to watch them grow they do a new minute every single week this week put your hands together for you know her from the kill Tony podcast and also she's been on a couple of recentaries recently right we love her goofy sense of humor put your hands together for Sarah

Wineshank, everybody. Pop that pussy, baby. Pop that pussy, baby. Went to a mall. Wasn't fun. Was a big pain in the ass, actually. Had to find a parking spot. Had to try to remember where I parked.

It was 5B. Had to create a riddle in my try to remember where I parked. It was 5B. Had to create a riddle in my head to remember where I parked. 5, like how old I was when I lost my first tooth. B, like a butt. I'll remember it now. And then I get into the mall and there's so much going on that I can't even remember who I am. I don't want to eat at Wetzel's Pretzels. I don't like Cinnabon, guys. Sbarro, it's not for me.

Sweet Factory, could take it or leave it. What about the Sunglass Hut? I don't like the Sunglass Hut. I'm always afraid that if there's an earthquake, I'll be trapped in a mall. That seems like the worst place to be when the big one hits. Just like the referee for Foot Locker running, looking

for safety. Just doesn't seem like an ideal situation. How come there's... That is the noise you hear when Brian forgets to hit the kitty at first. No, I did. Two kitties. Oh, you did? Oh, I missed it then.

I missed them. So quiet. I didn't even hear the kitty. Yeah, I haven't heard the kitty all night. I promise you I did. No, I believe you. I just, if nobody hears it, if nobody hears the kitty in the belly room, then what's there?

Did anyone hear the kitty? I heard one kitty. There are two people here with canine hearing. If a tree falls in the water. I admit I just like pressing the bear buttons. Of course. I really dig your persona, man. You came up.

I've never seen you, first off. My bad. Like, I just thought you came up here and you owned it. Like, you were like, and the way you said it, like, it was all very funny. You were saying sentences that are just setups, but they were funny, just the way you were saying it. You should. There was parts, though, that I was like, like, the sunglass hut. I wish you would have went into why you don't like the sunglass hut I wish you would have went into

why you don't like the sunglass hut like what am I on vacation but I'm in a mall like there should be cause you just said like and sunglass hut I hate that there's so much mall stuff that I wanted to talk about maybe it's like you don't want to be seen there so you yeah I don't want to be seen there

but if there's so much mall stuff just pick a couple of the shit in the mall and expand on it. But find the stuff in the mall that pisses you off the most. Now, granted, it's a minute, so there's not a lot of time to get real expansive. But, you know, there's definitely shit there. And you're definitely one of the strongest characters of the evening yeah thank you yeah i mean are you really that angry yeah yeah yeah i'm sensing that i just

don't like a lot of things how old are you 26 yeah true. You know what? I told you this last time. Like, I really think if you can be sweet and still hate all that shit. I was thinking that. I was thinking it was being sweet tonight. No, it still comes off angry, which is cool. But to me, you know, we're friends, but it sometimes feels like a character. Like too jarring? Like you're trying to be tougher than you are.

You can be pissed at everything and just be telling them a matter of fact because the way you look and the way you dress, I think it has more effect if you just say, you know, I hate everything. I just, I hate the fucking mall. I hate it. And then have it build. Because if you come out right away and you're that angry, there's no place for it to go. And I always think with you, it's a funner climb. So they at least see you for a minute.

And then they're like, why is she so pissed? We'd like to find out why you hate everything. Why do you hate everything build up to it a little more i just don't like malls that's like one of those things well then that's how you start it it's just like i fucking hate malls everyone in here hates malls but you know not it no that chick definitely doesn't but i always think you're so funny and your brain's always working but i'd'd love a little... Do you ever go back to 5B?

A little climb, right? For like the roller coaster? Yeah, I was planning on it. Sorry. Right, no, it's okay. Yeah, 5B, because then I can't remember it, even though I thought of like this whole complex thing of how to remember 5B.

Right, maybe there's things that annoy you that you, by the time, maybe it winds up so that by the time you get back to the parking lot, you forgot the parking spot, you can't remember whether it's... And you can't see. You couldn't even see your car because you were wearing four pairs of sunglasses.

Right. It's just like you buy shit so you get out of the mall. Yeah. Maybe that's your angle. It's like everyone's trying to sell you shit, and you just buy it to shut people up. Oh, shit. You're funny as fuck.

Thank you so much, Sarah. Sarah Weinshank. She's at Princess Shank on Twitter. Very funny. Yeah. And put your hands together for Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Hey. So, when you guys were younger,

did your parents ever do, like, magic tricks with you? You know, just, just like little joke ones. My dad did this trick one time where he vanished. And that was the whole fucking trick. He just vanished. I mean, like he was around for a while. But then he decided to switch careers. And his friend introduced him to fishing.

And you know that saying, give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but teach a man to fish and he'll move to Cape Canaveral full time and stop paying child support. I don't know. My childhood was weird. You know, like my dad didn't let me watch rated R movies because he thought they were too violent, but he didn't have a problem hitting my mom. but he didn't have a problem hitting my mom. But like I think there's advantages to growing up in a household with domestic abuse because like now I have

cat like reflexes. You know? Anytime anyone starts yelling I run to the nearest TV and put the volume to 100. Aw an extra loud kitty. That's awesome. I love that. I think that

especially the Cape Canaveral fishing, I love that. And I think you could really, you could probably sell that magician joke from the top if you tried a little bit harder. I mean, I think it would be more like, you know, my dad was sort of, you know, whatever, in your own words,

but you want to sell the fact that he was a good magician. Like, he was such a good magician that, in fact, he made himself disappear. Okay. And I haven't seen him since. Right. I have a huge problem with rhetorical questions in comedy acts because my philosophy is are you not

going to tell the joke? Gotcha. You know what I'm saying? It's just like you guys remember when my dad was a magician. He was such a great magician he disappeared and we haven't seen him since. Gotcha. That's the joke. And when people ask me a rhetorical question that's the question I ask them.

If I had never seen that movie, were you not going to tell that joke? And they're like, no. Well, then fuck it. Don't ask. Just go. Gotcha.

That was an awesome, awesome minute. I can't wait to see what you and Sarah Weinshank do down in La Jolla on March 1st when we take this on the road to the La Jolla Comedy Store for the first time. They're both going to be there. That's Kimberly Congdon. She's at Kimberly Congdon on Twitter.

Thank you guys so much for being on this show. Anything you want to promote coming up? My new Netflix special just hit last Saturday. Chris Porter, Ugly and Angry. You came out with the new House of Cards. I'm on a Kill Tony podcast.

When does this air? Next week. Okay, next week. Catch me there. An extremely huge thanks for Jesus Trejo. J-E-S-U-S-T-R-E-J-O. That's at Jesus Trejo on Twitter.

Truly one of our funniest friends. I can't believe I could even get a stand-up comedian so awesome to goof around and want to play around with such a funny show like this. Misty X Martinez, thank you so much. Thanks, everybody, for coming out. Eric Dallas, Chuck Geico. Josh Martin.

Yes, the love of my life. All right, thank you so much. Red Band, I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. Thank you. March 1st, La Jolla, San Diego.