KILL TONY - KILL TONY #39

Episode Date: March 3, 2014

Rick Ingraham, Kevin Christy, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Missy Martinez, Iron Sexbot/Margeret Molle, Brian Redban – Date: 02/24/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. Please check us out online and on iTunes and Stitcher. Just go to iTunes or Stitcher and search for Death Squad. Also, an announcement that the Dysentery podcast is now available on iTunes as its own separate feed. So please subscribe to Dysenteryery and don't forget to rate and review our show. If you want to go to a live Kill Tony, Kill Tony's every Monday at the Comedy Store

in Hollywood, California. It starts at 8 o'clock. If you also want to see us live, we are on the road. Me, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Tiffany Haddish. We are going on a Northwest tour. And that starts off in April.

We will be at Portland, Oregon at the Funhouse Lounge. And then April 19th, Seattle, Washington at the High Line. And then 420, we're having a big 420 show in Vancouver at the Edgewater Casino. All these tickets and all these links can be found at DeathSquad.tv. And don't forget, check out ShopSquad.tv for the official Death Squad t-shirt and stickers. These are limited edition, so go there before they're sold out forever. And now, here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red band coming to you live from the world famous comedy store for a brand new episode of kill tony volume two give it up for tony henscliff Yeah, the focus!

There's a backpack here. Hi, everyone. Hi, guys. How exciting. Another fun Monday. We're here. It's episode 39 of Kill Tony, everybody. That's what's happening.

Yeah. So much fun stuff. We're going to La Jolla this weekend. That's exciting. We're taking it on the road for the first time ever. This guy, actually, I just read this Facebook. He's like, hey, I see that you're in La Jolla for the weekend. If you want, you can stay in my sailboat.

It holds four people. I'm not using it. It's right on the water. And then I was like, oh, who's this guy? And then he's like, oh, he's a private investigator. Now I'm thinking like, oh, he's just hiding cameras in his boat so he can watch me fuck or something. What should I do? Maybe. I think you should take him up on the

offer. If he's a private investigator, it's good to have a guy like that on your side. That's true. If you turn him down, then he might start, I mean, if he's a private investigator, then he can already look through your windows. Yeah, I guess so. So you want to keep him close. And then this way you have a private investigator in San Diego where you might need it sometime.

That's true. Should we talk about the other possible thing, Sandy? Sandy? Sandy-ago? Oh, yeah. Is that? Yeah, I think we already said that. But Comic-Con 2014 will be at the American Comedy Company for two shows and another Kill Tony.

So San Diego is getting all the Kill Tony love right now. Yeah. Comic-Con. Comic-Con 2014. That's a pretty big announcement, right? And I'm thinking that last year, I mean, we've been there for the last two years, Death Squad has. And last year, there were so many people dressed up as Iron Man with the missile rocket launchers and stuff like that. So if you know anybody, anyone that's listening that

goes to Comic-Con that has an Iron Man costume and wants to join Kill Tony. The army. We're going to have an army of Iron Men. That would be so great, right? And if not, maybe a couple of Fens. You can get tickets to Vancouver and Seattle and Portland

right now at DeathS dot TV all tickets went on sale we're gonna be in Vancouver for 420 and we're playing a casino and it holds 300 people it's this humongous fucking like we get to do that and speaking of the Iron Man and our always, you know, the Iron Patriot left us about a month ago. And every week we have been replacing the Patriot with a different type of Patriot. We've gone through, you know, the Iron Gatriot. Yeah. Justin Martindale, the Dark Patriot, Willie Hunter, El Patrioto, Jesus Trejo was last week, and we're going to keep the diversity going.

Tonight, we would like to introduce to you right now our first ever female patriot, everybody. It's the Iron Hot Chick. Oh, man. Boom. That's right. Josh, get on it. Grabbing their boobs already. There you go.

Josh, fix the mic. He's nervous around her. Amateurs. There you go. He's so nervous around a female patriot. Look at that. Boom. Josh, come on. Josh, get on it on it now is it the iron Patriot or

the iron sex pot but what could it be is it what is it I think it's fuck yeah just she you can call her anything you want people that's how open-minded the female patriot is those are some interesting sound effects. Thank you. I'm patriotic. I love it. Well, you look fantastic. It's so nice to have a little bit of female energy over there

rather than the creepy. Turn the fucking mic up. Turn it up, guys. Right? That's what this means. Here we are together for the running around producer of the show, Josh Martin, perhaps the worst producer in the history of anything ever. Yeah.

All right. He's truly, really unlike to run the comedy store, and we decided to give him a shot, let him run around and work things here, and he just spills drinks when he drops them off. He fucking set her up for failure um so there you go um so let me ask you something uh lady patriot um did you uh i heard a rumor that you sent a song in that was something that the iron patriotot would normally do, and he would sing. Yeah, I wrote it myself.

All that jazz. This is actually a song that I've seen her do before, and I love it. So this is going to be a treat. What's this song called? Mouth on Mouth Fucking. Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you the Lady Patriot.

Let's see if this works. And it doesn't. So's see if this works. And it doesn't. So let's do this again. The internet here at the comedy store, by the way, is getting fixed, I heard. Do they have a Wi-Fi? No, they don't. They have dial-up here still, I think, like that.

But here we go. Praying together for the Female Patriot, everyone. Come on, representing all women. Who said that they can't be a security guard for a podcast? That's a woman. Josh, are you going to boom mic this shit, Josh? Hi, dear eyes from across the room. I like the way your body goes.

Can't wait to take you back To my room I'll suck your face off And then we'll spoon But for now we'll just dance On this dimly lit floor Our bodies move as one You got me begging for more So listen up baby

Don't waste no time I want to feel your lips Into private mine I want to feel your lips It's a private mind I want you so loud In my mouth I'll swish it around and spit it back out I wanna uh uh fuck your mouth With my mouth we're gonna uh uh

Kiss kiss and make out I'm gonna uh uh show you what it's all about That is awesome. Yeah, guys, give it up. That is unbelievable. I love how the voice that she's singing over in that sounds more robotic than the actual voice that's coming through the voice box. Hell yeah. Pew, pew. Okay. than the actual voice that's coming through the voice box. Hell yeah.

Okay. That was awesome. So, fuck yeah. What do you guys say that we get this thing going? We have our new head of security for tonight, the Iron Lady Patriot chick. Iron sex bot. Fuck yeah.

She's a wild one. So let's get into it. You guys know what happens. A bunch of comedians sign up. Me and always two guests talk to them afterwards. And this week's no different. I have two. This is both of their, I believe it's both of their third times on the show.

They are two of truly the best guests to have on this. Two of the funniest pals that I have. Put your hands together for Rick Ingram and Kevin Christie, ladies and gentlemen. They're back! Hey, buddy. How's it going? Good to see you. Good to see you. You can smell the boners up here. Fuck yeah. It is boner central, buddy. How's it going? Good to see you. Good to see you. You can smell the boners up here. Fuck yeah.

It is boner central, man. For anybody with a robot fetish, it's going down tonight. Also just women, if you're into women. Right, that too. Or Jerrys and Lainys. Jerry and Lainy are here. Parents, give it up for Jerry and Lainy, everybody. I got married to that beautiful lady

on this very stage about seven years ago wow and Jerry obviously was the maid of honor

or whatever was that during a ding dong show yep during a ding dong show and I think Jerry ended up

registering as a sex offender by the end of the night. Very weird, as always. So it's so fun to have you guys back. I know that, I don't think, I guess you've both been on, well, it's been a two-person format. What do you guys think of the Iron Patriot, or Lady Patriot?

She's way better. Way better than the original. Way better. Yeah, the original Iron Patriot. She's way better. Way better than the original. The original Iron Patriot just scared me. He just bummed me out and frightened me and was racist. It was very creepy how racist

he was. I guess Doug Benson had a live show last week and he showed up and they wouldn't let him in. Was he dressed as Iron Patriot? Yeah, and he was like, I'm supposed to be on the show. How weird, they didn't let him in. It seems like as Iron Patriot? Yeah. And he was like, I'm supposed to be on the show. How weird they didn't let him in. It seems like they're making good decisions over there. Hey, there's a giant trash can screaming

by the door. Do he want to come in? Is it cool? No. I actually heard, and this is really funny. I don't know if I even told you this part, but somebody tweeted at me that the reason why they really wouldn't let him in was because there's no standing room. It's a seat-only

theater, and he can't sit down in that suit. It's a fire hazard. Yeah. He's like an upright speed bump. He's just going to slow people down. Yeah, what would happen if there was a fire here when he was here? He'd be dead. There'd be no way for him. He'd just be yelling, someone carry me. Yeah. Well, another problem would be

all of us throwing him directly into the fire. Which would be my first instinct. Yeah. Risk my own life, you know? Lady Patriot, do you have any questions for our guests? That was something that the original Iron Patriot always did. Hey, boys. I was just wondering, Rick.

Yeah. I was in your podcast. You do it for the County Store, right? County Store podcast? I mean, we haven't done one in about nine months, but yeah. Okay. I'm glad you're an avid listener. Thank you.

I admire it. Okay. I was just wondering, what's it like now that you're married? Does that affect your comedy? That's a interesting question. Not sure at all what that has to do with the Comedy Store podcast. But, no, I mean, my comedy is me talking to people in the crowd.

So as long as my wife doesn't sit there, it doesn't generally come up, I suppose. But, yeah. Good question. How about for Kevin? So, you also have a podcast. I do. I do. She's good with starts. It's exactly like the old Patriot. She's have a podcast. I do. She's good with starts.

It's exactly like the old Patriot. She's like a rabbit. You got a podcast, right, with Nick Yousef. Is she Canadian? You like it? Is it fun? Good times? All those things.

You nailed it. We like it. Good and good times. That was the best question that the Patriot has ever asked. Do you like that? Do you like things and stuff? I feel like we know why Pierce Morgan is not getting renewed. Because we got a new interviewer in the house. Nailing it.

Is the iron and sex bot wearing underwear? What? Yeah, I have underwear on. Is it patriotic? Definitely. Can we see it? You want to see my patriotic underwear? Get on stage and do it.

How Brian has this kind of... How Brian pulls this shit off, I have no idea. That happened so fast, dude. Well done. Zero to creep fast, dude. Well done. Zero to creep immediately. Or not well done. Oh, wow. Same underwear of the Iron Patriot War.

Amazing. They fit everyone. One size fits all. America. Beautiful. America. And I have Bush because I love pussy. Okay.

Boom. You have a full bush? Just a full bush. Yeah, like a woman. Wow. That's valid. That is very valid. Actually, like a woman. You're right. Yeah. That's valid. I haven't seen one in a while. Can you show us? Oh my god. Brian.

Alright, let's get this thing started. Not while I'm here. Now that everybody has red, white and blue balls. God damn it. You son of a bitch. A bunch of people signed up. You guys know what goes on. Comedians get one minute of stage time. They know that their minute's up when they hear the sound

of a kitty. Wow. I mean, the whole production has really gone to shit since the last time I was here. Top shelf. Way more bush, which is good. Top shelf. People used to try sometimes and everything, but

you'll hear the sound of a kitty. And then you don't want to run that light. That means that's your time, because if you go much longer than that, you're going to bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. That just sounds like wind. There you go. Did you say it sounds like an episode of Wings?

No, like it's just a lot of wind. God, I wish it sounded like an episode of Wings. I feel like if you go over, you should play an episode of Wings as punishment. What's Wings? Is that an old show? Is that on, like, USA? Yeah, it was the terrible show that the writers from Cheers were like,

hey, we can just take this concept and put it into a... Hayden Church is a mechanic. Nantucket. Yeah, it was about a small airline. Airport. Wow. Yep. Listen, it was classic comedy. It was on USA, though, right?

They showed repeats on USA. Crystal Bernard was on it, I believe. That fat guy with the mustache. That's always a winning recipe. If you're fat, you gotta have a mustache. Your first comedian tonight, everybody, doing a minute of stage time is Jake Beckman, everyone.

I hate that you can't see that. Your first comedian tonight, everybody, doing a minute of stage time is Jake Beckman, everyone. Almost there. Jake. I will not take a shower in a room that smells like shit, mainly because I don't want to breathe in those poop particles that are responsible for the smell of shit. There's just a contradicting feeling that you get when you see a toilet right next to a shower. They don't mesh. It gets people to take a shit and then have a really hot and steamy shower afterwards and I'm sure that some people skip

wiping and they wash out their leftover poo in the shower. All in all, I find this to be a hygienic dilemma. The smell of shit mixed in with the shampoo you just used just doesn't mesh. If you took a really big and really mossy turd and then right afterwards you had a really hot and steamy shower, those airborne poop particles that are responsible

for the smell of shit will mix in with the steam and it will soak into your walls and your skin. And that is why you will have a random instance later that day when you smell shit but you don't know where it's coming from. Worst of all, it's coming from you and you are your last suspect because you showered. Wow.

Huh. Question time. How much actual time was that? That was about 40 seconds. Okay, okay. It showed up as 58. I downloaded it on iTunes and all that. I recorded it, got it on iTunes, and it showed up as 58 seconds.

So it was somewhere in the time range. It reminded me of a hybrid of Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High and the Micro Machines guy. Actually, have you seen one of those videos on the internet where it shows a guy just drawing really fast and trying to sell you something? This is how stomach acid works. That's what your voice sounds exactly like.

It feels like you're going to get hired as the guy that says the stuff really fast at the end of radio commercials. You were the legal ramifications of leasing a Toyota. Must be 21, 18, and over. Were you nervous? Do you usually speak with this quick of a pace?

No, I was just trying to work it in? You didn't want to hear the bear No, I didn't At some point I was impressed with the memorization Because you were going fucking fast And it's obviously written like it wasn't But I thought to myself The crowd's missing a lot of this

I know I definitely capture the moments way better if I just, you know, add more time. And it just, delivery-wise, it stayed the same the entire time. It was just like, you started, and then just, like, went the entire time, and then stopped.

So it was hard, as listening, to tell which parts you have decided were more important for me to listen to. Indeed, indeed. And you also have, like, very definitive surfer-stoner kind of cadence, which I have never heard spoken that quickly before. Yeah, that fast ever that's awesome nice yeah i mean that was like it's good thing you've been smoking pot all day and right before you got on stage you're like

time to do a bump let's do this i'm feeling kind of slow do a little crystal and get up there and knock this thing out i mean i'm Rick's saying is don't completely lose your ability to go fast because there's something kind of odd about it, especially with the way you talk. The fact you could be the only motivated stoner of all time. That's how it is.

I got weed to grow! You're freaking out. I'm so baked right now! I guess that's what smoking weed for eight years will do for you okay okay look she is already great already fantastic okay we saw her underwear she just did that i mean it's done off to be a good night so far good night but yeah i just think you you you're kind think you almost wasted a lot of the things you were saying

because they went by so fast you defy the stereotype of Jake's though which I like good what is the stereotype well most Jake's in general

just what you did right then the way you said what is the stereotype what is the stereotype what the fuck generally Jake's are you know pretty close to retarded

in general. No one ever is like, dude, my buddy Jake is the smartest. It's because of fucking two and a half men, wasn't it? You got to beat my buddy Jake the scientist. That's not a thing that happens. Oh, my God. Jake Ryan, though, 16 candles. Good dude.

Great dude. Great dude. It's because of that fucking Jake and two and a half men, wasn't it? Luckily, don't watch that show. In comedy in general, I wouldn't bring it up. Good stuff. How long have you been doing stand-up? I just moved here about two

months ago and I just started doing it. Colorado. Can we discuss what appears to be the baboon heart inside of your chest there? Is that your phone? No, this is just my wallet. to be the baboon heart inside of your chest there? There's some sort of an elevated... What is it that you keep in that pocket?

Oh, your side pocket? No, this is just my wallet. Oh, okay. Smart. You're at the comedy store. That's smart. I wanted to climb it, but I'm like, not the worst idea considering where we are. Just leave that there. Big Jake. I got a 42-minute album on iTunes, and I just thought I'd hit the ground

running going into LA. In 42 minutes, I guarantee you can do 70 minutes of comedy. Yeah, exactly. You have a 42 minute comedy album out? Yeah, on iTunes. That's amazing. The Jake Beckman mind fuck. Fuck yeah.

And wait a second, you've been doing stand up for how long? Man, that is so Jake. Two months. When did you put the album out? January 5th. Wait, two long? Man, that is so Jake. Two months. Wow. When did you put the album out? January 5th. Wait, two months? Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. You've been doing comedy for two months

and you dropped an album two months ago? Yeah, yeah. God, that's a lazy as fuck. Just thought I'd hit the ground running. I can't wait. Ladies and gentlemen, the new Louis C.K.

Give it up for him. New shit all the time. That's hilarious how fast he put out an album, too. You just must sit at home I can't wait. Ladies and gentlemen, the new Louis C.K. Give it up for him. That's hilarious how fast he put out an album. You just must sit at home with piles of cocaine everywhere you go. Just marijuana, dude. Besides maybe definitely I agree with everyone. You definitely need to slow down.

You blew past so much stuff. I was just trying to figure out what you were talking about. Maybe try an indica. That's what I stick with, man. That's all I got. That's all I got. Poop particles, though, is a nice touch. Thank you. I thought it would be. Also, don't forget the microphone stand.

Just slowly try to put it behind you when you go on stage. It's one of those odd things, but it is distracting. People just stare at it. It's like these guys are like, it's right in their sight line, which is a bummer. So just get it out of their way. I guarantee you, you're the first guy to do a a 42 minute album with the mic stand left in front of them well i still gotta get that stage time experience man imagine prior live on the sunset script

i like his priorities though from what he just said he he said you know you gotta get the stage time to learn where you put the mic stand all those little things you don't need the stage time to learn where you put the mic stand. All those little things. You don't need the stage time to drop an album. You don't. You know what? Before I do this on stage, I'm going to make an album real quick. I got to know. What's the album called? I got to be reminded and look into this.

I want to just fast forward through it in here. What is it? Don't fast forward it. It'll be done quickly. The Jake Beckman Mindfuck. You'll think you're fast forwarding through it when it turns on't fast forward it. It'll be done quickly. The Jake Beckman mind bug. You'll think you're fast forwarding through it when it turns on anyways. Slow it down. And how do you spell Beckman? B-E-C-K-M-A-N.

Is that your Twitter handle too? Jake Beckman? Or is that spelled differently? Because you spelled it differently on this. It's Beckmon with M-A-H-N because somebody fucking stole it and I had to use the H. So wait a second. Your actual name is Jake Beckman, but you have the

Twitter handle Jake Beckman with an H between the A and the N in man. Yeah, because somebody stole my fucking name. Why are you just like Jake Beckman comic? Oh my god. Somebody took it. The real Jake Beckman. Somebody fucking took it, man. When you say they took it, you mean there's another guy named Jake Beckman? Yeah. Yeah, there is. Okay. There's this guy, Steve. Or's somebody who fucking took it, man. When you say they took it, you mean there's another guy named Jake Beckman?

Yeah, there is. There's this guy, Steve. Or somebody's just fucking stealing my identity. Steve Davis went with Jake Beckman, so I'm fucked. Instead of adding a number to your actual name, you decided to throw an H in the middle of your last name. Make it German or French or something. Just made your birth certificate a liar. Hey, do you guys want to play

a little sample from his... Oh, yeah. Why don't we just hit a random... This is great. Just give me three minutes. We'll try legalized cannabis. Just do a little iTunes preview of this. I feel like this is going to sound like

Alvin and the Chipmunks. The solution. Unfortunately, our society no longer practices or promotes common sense anymore, so either a good amount of you won't know what the solution is or you won't agree with me this solution can provide our marketplace more food medicine clothes plastic paper timber well you're talking slower in it though and what i like about it why have an audience audience? You know what I mean? Yeah. If you're going to drop an album

and charge 99 cents a track. It's so Spicoli when you slow it down. I'm just waiting to hear, those dudes are fags. Why an echo track? You just make it sound like you're in a place

with less of an audience. Right. Again, it's important. First guy to do comedy from space. No crowd. Yeah, it's important. First guy to do comedy from space. No crowd. It's primarily just

to protect my material and then just also to have something to show to the agents to show them that I have something established. Jake, I love you already, but no one is stealing your material. Better not. I like that you couldn't help but mouth it as it was playing. You had to sing along.

He went Britney Spears on us real quick. We were like, perform, perform. It was just encoded into my brain. But you could do that 42 minutes again exactly like that? Is that what you're saying? Probably just as fast as I just did that. Coming up on stage. And go.

I'm really picky when it comes to choosing the right job. I was very fortunate. And stop! I'm really picky when it comes to choosing the right job. I was very pushing. And stop! Alright, Jake. What a first impression you left on us. First comedian I've ever seen to drop an album before starting stand-up comedy. I cannot wait to see where the list leads.

Solid gold. Jake Beckman, everybody. He's on Twitter. Jake Beckman! Jake Beckman! Jake Beckman, everybody. He's on Twitter. Jake Beckmon! Jake Beckmon! That's Jake Beckman! It's Jake Beckmantown on Twitter for no reason. They never taught Jake numbers.

There's a hidden L in Beckman on Twitter. Add a six in the middle. Well, here we go. Good luck to this person. Where's your album? Next guy. Antonio Houston, everybody. Antonio Houston!

Antonio Houston! Give it up for me, because I just found out I graduated. For real. Yeah. Yeah. Seriously. So I went to go see my grandmother, and she's like, wow, you're a whole different person. I like the way you are.

You're not a nigga anymore. You're a nigga. You're graduated. I was like, wow, grandma, you really feel that way? She was like, yeah. The room doesn't smell like reefer or anything. Everything's lovely about you. You're just so beautiful now.

Who you been hanging with? I said, well, I've been hanging with different people, different crowds. And she was like, yeah, well, you're doing coke now? Because you had to bump up, right? I said, no, I'm not doing coke. Not just yet. She was like, well, you should try it because it's great. I was like, okay, well, I'll take your advice.

Thank you. And my problem is I try to impress white people too much you know the first thing I say hey my name is Antonio I like reading like long watch walks and everything and yeah I'm not a nigger I'm not I'm not a nigger I'm just the average black guy out here and I'm just trying to make a living. That makes them feel uncomfortable. Well, comfortable. Thank you. Yeah, okay. Okay, okay.

And kudos to everybody that's a comedian. What did you graduate from? From being a nigga. Oh, that was what you graduated from. Yeah, okay. I remember when I graduated from that yeah it's awesome it's awesome first uh i would lose the hat i can't see your eyes and i don't think they could either which that's a big i mean you you use your like at least go ken griffey jr and

turn it around yeah i mean you just i feel like you're wasting half your jokes delivery system by having this in shadow so they just don't get to see they get to see what you're wasting half your joke's delivery system by having this in shadow. So they just don't get to see. They get to see what you're saying, and they have your cadence, but they lose how you feel about it because they can't see from here up. And I don't see any reason for you to have to hide your face, so I just wouldn't hide it.

All right. I mean, you know, there's no reason to. Unless there is a reason. Yeah, unless you graduated. The reason is I graduated from being a nigga. That's right. There you go. Damn, I like him better already.

It's home run derby time. Maybe that could be a part of it. Yeah, turn the hat around as you tell him that you graduated. That is a pretty big difference I noticed immediately. Yeah, like as soon as I saw, like even now with it higher up, I mean like I see your face face, I just get a better sense of you as a person. I'm just not a fan of hiding this.

Again, white people are terrified of black people in shadows. It just really scares them. Now I'm like, he's nice. I like him. I guess I would definitely write the joke a little different because I also had no idea that you were graduating from being an N-word.

What word? Yeah, which one do you mean? Nigeria. Everybody says it now. It's fine. It's fine. Not everybody. Everybody.

That sounds like a trap. This is like the whitest panel of all time. I mean, we could get in a lot of trouble. As an American, I was uncomfortable with the heavy R. I was like, whoa! Slow down, buddy. There you go. You ever fucked a robot woman before?

No. No. The best sound effect is the laser queef at the end. Thank you. I love that you wrote the topic down as crazy as family. Now, okay.

I thought it was all right. You're just no Jake Beckman. You know what I mean? Big question. When's the album coming out? How long have you been doing stand-up? For about two years, on and off. On and off.

But I made a commitment this year that I'm going to stick with it. Okay. This is my A, B, and C plan. I found the you want to impress white people part most interesting because you mispronounced Reagan. You were like, I like Regan. Like that. I don't know if you feel that part, but that's funny.

Did you say reading? No, he said reading. I thought he said Regan, like President Reagan. No, he said long walks, reading. See, if I could have seen your eyes, I would have gotten that. Exactly. That would be a much funnier twist. I'm like a white person.

I like long walks, reading, Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan. See me, Valley. That's what he thinks white people like. Yeah, that's sort of interesting. What are the things you think white people like that are just wrong enough to be like, what?

We don't really love that shit. Right. Yeah, whoever told you we all love Ronald Reagan, that's funny. Yeah. And other things that you might think. We do. Yeah.

We do. We're all Alex P. Keaton in the end. Yeah. Okay. When I signed the papers to join the Illuminati. And if you're going to say your grandma loves Coke,

I want to know a little bit more about it. Okay. Like, that's just, you can't just drop in on me like, wait, what? Nana loves Coke? Like, I need to like,

move on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right. Like, that's the great thing about deciding to talk about your family that you've decided is crazy is there's a lot.

So like each person, it's like each person's a bit as opposed to family as bit, you know, like you can go, you can, you can stretch everything out, like your relationship with them, your relationship as a young person,

as an older person, you know, with them, like don't, I don't, don't try to paint it with such a broad swath of just making it. My family's crazy. Cause they,

we've heard a lot of that over the years, and I think it's more interesting. Especially fucking white people, we want to know about your family. Like, what's interesting. I want to know about a family life I didn't experience. So, like, don't. I feel kind of, like, short-changed. But you're just like, my family's crazy. I'm like, but, like, how?

I want to really know why. Explain it to me. The grandma on Coke is a great premise. What does it cause her to do? Is she the only old lady driving fast? What is it that makes grandma awesome?

Does she get gang banged at doo-wops? You know. There you go. That's what I know of. God damn, she's good. It's a great set. Grandmas go wild too, guys.

But also, that's like a generation thing where just age-wise, my grandma's dead because I'm way older than you, but your grandma was alive during the Coke generation, so it's like grandmas did Coke and your grandma maybe still does Coke. So that's interesting in and of itself.

That's probably why she used to send my uncle to get condoms. Whatever. Now it sounds like white inbreeding, which I'm into. Sent my uncle to get condoms. Lainey, you ever do coke? Just the head. Fuck yeah. Does your grandma really do coke?

Did she tell you about it? Or did she just tell you it was great? As I got older, I just figured out certain things that happened when I was growing up because I grew up with her. So I just noticed certain things. Gotcha. That'd be funny if your grandmother does coke. She probably doesn't use a CD to snort it off.

She probably uses a record or a track. Still has some she bought in 78. Oh, that means it's good. Right, guys? Great. Thank you so much, Antonio. It's Antonio Houston, everybody. Spirit AG 777 on Twitter.

Talking about his crazy family. There must have been a Spirit AG already. 776 of them. It's a good name, too. Antonio Houston. It sounds like it. It's a good name too Antonio Houston It sounds like Yeah it sounds like Legit It's easy to remember

Fuck yeah Adam Triggers Triggers Whoa Whoa That's the DR word Adam Triggers Did you just say

It's Trigger Adam Triggers With a heavy R Hey Everybody got smartphones? Yeah. Yeah. They're tracking us with those. You know that, right? The GPS, they're tracking us.

Yeah, I don't care either. But I like to mess with it every now and again. I like to set it from automobile to walking. So every now and again, Google thinks I'm fast as fuck because I'm in my car and I'm like... They're like like he's walking but he's going like super fast

let's not mess with him have you guys seen the show Hoarders? great show, great show since you've seen the show Hoarders have you watched the movie 101 Dalmatians? it really changes the way you look at your childhood that couple had

deep, deep psychological issues. Let's just get one more. Sequel. The sequel was called 102 Dalmatians. That's a great joke. I used to be married. I'm divorced now. I like to refer to my ex-wife as Plan A.

Plan A had sex with one of my friends. I like to refer to my ex-wife as Plan A. Plan A had sex with one of my friends. I was forced to improvise. Plan A turned out to be a real plan. There you go. I didn't want that to end. I didn't want it to end either. Great premises. Good nerdy delivery.

I really like the walking smart. I would change it to super fast like a superhero. You're right. Yeah, just like, you know, and it gives them more reason to start tracking you. That you're just like, they're afraid. Now they're afraid you're going to turn on them. Thanks for giving me that great idea that I can't use

now because people heard you give it to me. No, no, no. You're right though. Rick, have I ever taken a tag from you? I hope so. I definitely have. Dude, that is fucking... I've taken tags from Tony. I've suggested tags to Tony.

You have to do that. To any comic here. There's no shame in that. Not taking tags is a young man's mistake. Don't fucking do that shit. I'm not going to use it for anything ever. It's just going to not exist anymore. He would have to steal your joke to use that tag.

I probably have taken 20 tags in my life. That's just one of those things that comics do. It's not looked down upon. Don't make that mistake. I'm not saying you have to take it, but if you like it and you want to use it, take it. Absolutely. That's totally a part of this. Definitely try to take it, but if you like it and you want to use it, take it. Absolutely. That's totally a part of this.

Definitely try it. If it works for you, it's yours. And the fucking 101 Dalmatians Hoarders thing is a good angle. Yeah. I really like that. One thing, it's a beginner comedian thing that just happens. And by beginner, I mean like first five, six years of doing comedy, is you ask the audience if they have seen or heard something

every time you start a joke premise. You can just start the premise because they don't fucking matter. You can literally just be like, that show Hoarders. If you're in a comic club and they haven't seen Hoarders, you're fucked anyways.

Yeah. So if they're like, no, you don't want to just stop your joke. And you're going to explain within your joke what Hoarders is. That one's pretty self-explanatory. Yeah, don't engage them if it's not necessary because then you're begging to explain within your joke what Hoarders is. That one's pretty self-explanatory. Yeah, don't engage them if it's not necessary because then you're begging someone to be like,

yeah, I fucking love it. And you're like, uh-oh, now you've got to talk to that guy and now you can't tell your joke. So just, you know, I watched that show Hoarders. Plus, I really did want to hear more of your jokes and by asking them each time, it took away 25 seconds. Right, it took off the end of that last one for sure. Everyone has smartphones.

Yeah, they do. It's just not necessary. Definitely everybody's seen the other things and if they haven't then yeah, you mentioned that. It doesn't matter anyway. How long have you been doing it? Two years. Where are you from? I'm from Florida. I've been here since October.

You're really good. All of your bits, I really don't have much advice except what they've said because it was comfortable to listen to and I liked your material. Honestly, it's easy to add a tag to a pretty good bit.

When you see a bit that's not going to go anywhere, you're like, maybe just a... It's easy to... When you see there's only one small thing missing, it's way easier. It's like, oh, Super Hero would have worked better than Super Fast. I just thought The Flash. I'm like, oh, fuck, The Flash is back.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, and maybe after you see Hoarders, you realize that... What's her name? Cruella de Vil? Oh, yeah. Is more of a good guy trying to break that shit up than the villain that she's been painted to be this whole time. Yeah, these two supposedly nice white yuppies that have a thousand dogs for no reason. House smells like shit. I mean, it's got to.

House smells like shit. House is made of shit. And that should totally be in that, too. like shit house is made of shit and that should totally be in that too now since you're connecting those two things is i'd spell out the stuff that you don't see that you would have to do to support 101 dalmatians just unravel that film like thank god they didn't be fucking kids it would have just been slave labor shit shoveling right and the trough that they must be eating out of i mean there's no way each do they have their own

I haven't seen it since I was a kid do they have their own bowls and shit I guess it really doesn't even matter if you really want to dissect the joke they only had the dogs for like a day they weren't really their dogs they didn't all come from the same dog either did they

they were rescuing all the dogs in the city so Cruella de Vil couldn't kill them. Why were they all Dalmatians? That had to be some inbred shit. She wanted a Dalmatian coat. I'm really into this movie. She has class, okay?

She's a beautiful, stylish woman. Every woman should have fur. Don't ever have a different Patriot than this one. The winning Patriot. this one. Honestly, so far. The winning Patriot. Just out of curiosity, just out of curiosity, is your joke

in your head based on the cartoon or the live action film? I've never seen the live action, but I guess it would fit more. Live action written by John Hughes. Fun fact. Really? Yeah. That guy doesn't miss. He wrote Beethoven, too. I really thought he was doing the 101 Dalmatians musical,

but I guess I was a little confused. Nothing on that. He made it weird. Adam Driggers. How fun. Please sign up again. You're one-liner style. You talking so that we could understand every word that you were saying really helped.

Shame you don't have an album. I do, but I have a Twitter. He's got a Twitter. That's absolutely true. Oh, look at this. He's Adam C. Driggers. He figured it out. That's D-R-I-G-G-E-R-S.

Even if there was another Adam Driggers, you just put that middle initial. Look at you. There is. He's a famous weightlifter. He's a famous what? Weightlifter. He's like famous what? Weightlifter. He's a world champion weightlifter. Adam Driggers? And he has a Twitter.

I actually retweet all of his tweets. I have a guy whose name is... There's a Kevin Christie who's a famous weightlifter too. What? We should hang out. I had to go... I had to go middle initial too. And I can tell you two never lift weights. No. There's no connection with the...

I like how someone thought that was going to hurt my feelings. Right. Push-up contest. First one to one wins. Yeah, I thought it was good. Definitely call your first album Drigger, Please. Definitely. There he goes. It's Adam C. Driggers, everyone.

Bam. I liked him. Heck yeah. I want more of him. DWA Driggers with that? Those are great jokes. That guy was all class. He even had comedy yeah. Those are great jokes. Guy was all class. Straight up. He even had comedy glasses. Yes, he did.

You're welcome. Fuck yeah. Ryan Doon, everybody. I hate jogging. I really do. I hate jogging so much that I'm going to start wearing American flag pants. So if my friends ask me to go,

I can just be like, sorry, brother, these colors don't run. America! I'm not lazy. I'm a patriot. Thanks for laughing. So, guys, I like to drink, but sometimes I black out.

I just don't remember anything, and it can be a problem. But I've been beatboxing for 12 years, so I black out and beatbox. Like, for real, I do that. It's probably very annoying. And I've also been working on this Jay-Z impression. So I black out and beatbox and talk like Jay-Z, and it goes a little something like this. Yo, it's your boy, JC.

Yeah. Then I drink more. I start getting a little hungry. Yo, your boy needs some Chinese food in his piece. We got any Chinese food in his piece right quick? Your boy's mad hungry. I'm getting horny now. Yo, your boy

needs some pussy. Your boy needs some pussy. Good night. There you go. Great job, Ryan. Sounds like Jay-Z. The Jay-Z part I liked, it was everything that's ever existed about beatboxing that I don't like.

Right. Yeah. It's kind of like if this were 1989 and you were Barry Sobel, people would be like, damn, he's beatboxing. But I feel like a lot of people don't even know what that is anymore.

And I couldn't agree more. I think that the Jay-Z impression is so good, and I don't hear anyone else doing that, that I totally feel like the beatbox weighs it down. Yeah, it just kind of got in the way. I mean, I get that you have to figure out a way to get to the thing, but it doesn't help. And it feels a little too music-y to me.

It's like, oh, you just think you're good at this, so you want to show it feels a little too like music-y to me. It's like, oh, you just think you're good at this, so you want to show it off a little? Yeah. Which the impression is it's going to get you the laughs, and the other thing is just like, oh, I learned this thing in my house, and I want to show it off a little, which I don't think that helps the joke. Right. Since the beatbox thing

isn't funny, you can use the Jay-Z in any way you want. It might take a few minutes to think of a better premise than the beatbox thing, but I don't even think it would. It just seems like Jay-Z can be explaining himself out of any situation with anything. Yeah, your inner monologue is Jay-Z for some reason. You've listened to so much rap music or whatever. So much you could do with that voice, too.

Right, exactly. So, you know, the beatbox, doing it in a beatbox form is like doing it in a knock-knock form on stage. It literally does date it a little. It makes it feel like 90s stuff. Because there was just a lot, you know, like Rosie O'Donnell used to do a beatboxing rap routine thing in her stand-up.

Yeah, I don't want to be the guy who closes with a rap song. And way more chicks probably would sit on her face after she beatboxed. routine thing in her stand-up. I don't want to be the guy who closes with a rap song. Way more chicks probably would sit on her face after she beatboxed. Boom. We're saying don't be Rosie O'Donnell. Gotcha. And the other thing was...

I want that one-liner in the beginning. One-liner was good. You liked it? Yeah. In a minute, you did it? Yeah. I mean, it's weird. In a minute, you did like three very disparate things. So, like, I don't know what the one-liner is going to lead into. It's not like that one-liner about running is going to help you

and do your Jay-Z impression. Right, right, right. But, you know, it's a funny one-liner. Okay, yeah. Yeah. The thing with the one-liner is it just exists in its own space. Right. It's not like, oh, it's good, so put it wherever you want.

But unless you're going to build on it, you're just going to use it occasionally. Do you do any other impressions other than Jay-Z? Kind of. I do a Jesse Pinkman yelling. Then you could even slide in that way by saying that all that you do is, you know, the only things that entertain you anymore are Breaking Bad and Jay-Z. So, ba-ba-dee-ba, you know, weigh in if you want to. You know, I mean, there's just ways to go about it that you can utilize those things.

A lot of people use their more than one impression. They meld them together. They're like, wouldn't it be weird if, like, I always wonder if this, you know, if Jay-Z was in an episode of Breaking Bad, it would have been like this. And that's how they justify the thing. And then both things are funny if they're having a conversation, and it's funny. And also, I mean, you might be able to get away with the beatboxing thing

if you're doing 30 minutes or you have more time. Because that's one of the, like, there's lots of comics that do, they're essentially, you know, stage tricks or whatever as part of their act. Michael Winslow. Yeah. I mean, if you're doing five, ten minutes, though, then it really does. Like right now, most of what I remember is just the beatboxing. Ah, bummer.

No, I'm a comedian. Come on. But yeah. Yeah, that's part of it. So there you go. Anything else? Why was this so short, I guess? Because I was perfect.

You beatboxed. That's what happens when you beatbox. Well, the first joke, there's nothing. I mean, if you had a longer premise that you can go into it or something like that, that would be great. Because the first joke, by itself, it's kind of weird. There's not really anything I could add to that part. But the Jay-Z voice alone, like they were saying,

it's such a good voice. You just need to find a way to just write something good. Instead the Jay-Z voice alone, like they were saying, it's such a good voice. You just need to find a way to just write something good. Instead of it being beatboxing, there should have been a longer premise to justify the Jay-Z impression. That should have been the whole minute. For the red, white, and blue pants thing, I would

I wouldn't open by saying I hate running because then you're stepping on your punchline if they don't run. So make it exercise. I said jogging. Jogging. All right. Well, then I'm an idiot. Ryan actually is from New York City. We just had him on our podcast.

We just had him on a podcast. He's a very successful Viner. He's almost two million Vine You know what? Here's a fun fact. I've never watched one of them. You don't like Vine, do you? You don't like Canada or Vine? Listen, here's the thing with Vine.

For as long as I've had knowledge of film, the worst thing on earth are short films. So why would I want to watch a shorter film? Do you like animated GIFs, though? Fuck no. I like the ones with butts. Like butts? animated gifs, though? Fuck no. You don't like them?

I like the ones with butts. Like butts? Yeah, like when the butt moves. You like porn, right? Sure. There's porn vines where it's just the girl sitting there going... And it just loops and it never ends and you can just sit there and just... Yeah, I mean... Cool.

I don't need six seconds of anything. Ever. What's really cool is that he takes his Jay-Z voice and uses them in his vines, and it's pretty funny. And that's how I actually... Oh, I could see how that would work. I'll go do Jay-Z goes to a market. Yeah, see, like, he orders cheese for Beyonce.

Right. Wow. Yeah, that's amazing. See, that should be worked. There should be way more of that worked into. Right. Because if you're that adept at the voice, it should just be,

I wonder if this is what Jay-Z did yesterday, and then come up with a ridiculous day for Jay-Z. Yeah, that could be a 10-minute break. Huge. Fortunately, in Boston, I got five-minute spots. And then that's your closer when everything happens. And you're sitting on that. And then if people know you from your vines and they come out to see you do stand-up,

I mean, two millions a lot. So if that happens, then make them want it. Sit on Freebird until the last song and turn it into a monster. Cool, cool. There you go. I don't know about Freebird. I love how you actually negotiated more time. I know, it worked. I could see how... That's a monster. Cool, cool. There you go. I don't know about free birds. I love how you actually negotiated more time.

I know. It worked. I could see how... That's a first. Oh, that's it? What the fuck? You guys aren't making fun of me more? Fuck this.

Yeah, but follow him on Vine also. It's Ry Doon on Vine and on Twitter. Ry Doon. R-Y-D-O-O-N. Thanks, Ryan. Thank you guys. Thanks, Ryan. Awesome.

Ryan Doon. Congrats on the Vine. Yeah, congrats. Thanks, Ryan. Thank you guys. Thanks, Ryan. Awesome. Congrats on the Vine. That's awesome. I was actually the one that showed him or he learned about Vine through me. Now he's making millions of dollars. Wow. This guy created Vine

over here. No. I was talking about it a long time ago. I actually told him about the internet. I think he should go with the last comic and then that way he could be the Driga man. Oh. Put them together. Very good. Driga. Hey.

I know this guy. It's Brad Sachs, everyone. He was on a couple weeks ago. Yeah. Brad Sachs. Listen to him, everybody. Got engaged last year, guys. I did. I did. And in one year, I've put on 15 pounds.

She's fucking killing me. And she's the worst cook, too. I just smoke so much weed to be around her, to put up with her, that I'm putting on weight. And I feel bad. Because she's always like, what do you want? She's so passionate about cooking. She's so bad. You ever know anyone like this?

What do you want next? I'm like, nothing. I don't want to, no. She's like, no, what do you want to say? I'm like, nothing. She's like, I'll make it for you. What do you want?

I'm like, cereal, bitch. Put it in the bowl. That was, okay. That's fine. That's fine. When we moved in together, she just went ahead and stopped shaving

the bottom half of her body. You fucking believe that? Yeah, just let it grow. I called my buddy. I'm like, I moved in with Wolverine. Okay, I'm quitting this tonight. Forget it. I'm just done with this.

It's over. Yeah, my fiance's so uptight also. It's fucking like, I'm like, look, we're engaged now. Can we make a sex tape? She's like, absolutely. Who's going to play you? There's a punchline.

Who's going to play you? Thank you, guys. Oh, jeez. So what happened from last time you were on stage? With my fiance? Yeah. I don't want to say. No, you got to tell us.

Did she hear it? She didn't hear, no. Did somebody tell her? No, no one said anything. But did some things change in your life? Did you reflect on it? Oh, I did a lot of reflecting. Yeah, I reflected.

So what happened the last time he was here, about two, I think, two weeks ago, we had him, I mean, he really doesn't, as you could tell by a different minute than two weeks ago that he talked about, he really is unhappy. Yeah. And he's engaged. He's not married yet.

And he's been engaged for a year, and he's still putting it off for another year, and he's so unhappy, but he's not jumping out of this thing. Like, you know, getting the serial bitch, you know? Like, this is a person that... Yeah, no, I felt genuine hate.

Yeah? No, it's not. It's not. I just, I sort of, I play it up for the performance. I mean, there is stuff about marriage that, you know, like I told Tony before, I don't know. I feel like his wife is at a cooking class complaining about his comedy. Oh, my God.

What did you compare her to hair-wise? You said a wolverine. Maybe something like a centaur or something. What's the half horse? Yeah, Mennonite. Yeah, there you go. Mennonite? No, not a Mennonite.

Not a Mennonite. Very fine line between a minotaur and a Mennonite. You said she stopped shaving from what? The waist down? Waist down, yeah. Wow. Which is sort of true. I mean, when you move in with somebody,

shit gets comfortable. Well, if you're with... I haven't experienced that. Yeah, if you're with somebody who really doesn't want you to have sex with them, then that's how it goes. You're right. You think that's her plan?

She's like, I got to stop this fucking. I know. I'll just get gross. Absolutely. That's one way to... People that have... That is an interesting psychological technique because those are people with real loneliness issues that are so afraid to lose somebody, but they don't want to break it off, but they

don't want them to like them that much. This is getting so deep. Yeah, I know. I've heard of this happening before. I do it all the time. You're on Dr. Drew. Have you heard of it? I lived it this one time.

Right. I do that, though. When I'm in a bad relationship, instead of breaking it off, I'll just gain a shitload of weight. You stop shaving your legs? No, I just gain a lot of weight. I'll gain like 40 pounds just to get rid of it.

Just to break up with a girl. I've done it twice. It's like a Scorsese movie. I'm going to put on 45 pounds. What kind of pushing move is that? You don't want to break her heart, but you'll damage yours easily. You do the anti-machinist. The reverse Dallas Buyers Club.

I don't feel like most stand-up audiences, a lot of times half women, I don't know that they like hearing a guy shit on his future wife quite that much. Right, right, right. If you're doing...

You kind of feel like, God, man. I started to sympathize with her. I felt myself taking her side because I feel like, God, man. I started to sympathize with her. Right. I felt myself taking her side because I was like, she fucking tries to cook. And I'm like, look. This bastard.

Even if she's bad at it, she's trying. In my head, I'm like, what's this guy trying to do at home except make up jokes about her? I felt like I found myself taking her side. And once you call her a bitch,

like, get me cereal, bitch, everyone's like, all right. He hits her. You think like, okay, either he does hit her or he's gonna. That is a beater symptom is when you are criticizing the nice

things that they do. Like, I hate your cooking. Bring me a shitty sandwich. No one's ever brought me a sandwich in the world. Why do you mix the whites with the color loads? Yeah, she ruined my favorite shirt. She was doing your fucking laundry. When you said the whites and the color loads, you were talking about sex, right?

Bobby Lee, everybody. Bobby Lee? Holy moly. Obbity, obbity, obbity. Fuck yeah. Hey, buddy. I love you, too. It really, though, it does, like they said, even last time, it makes you feel uncomfortable for her.

Yeah, sure. And then when you call her a bitch, like the whole bitch women-hating thing that a lot of people do when they first start off comedy, like calling women bitches and just going off on them, it's really uncomfortable to listen to. It's uncomfortable to listen to and it's not genuine. I don't think you're that dude. If you're going to go call her a bitch,

the only way it's going to go off well is if they think you're psychotic. So it's like, it's your issue, not her issue. Yeah, of course. To me, the more interesting angle is you love her, but she's so bad. If she is terrible at cooking, you're like, I love her, and I try to eat it, but it's so... What I she is terrible at cooking, you're like, I love her, and I try to eat it,

but it's so... What I want to say is this, but I don't. If you're actually being abusive, you're like, oh, cool, so you're just an abusive man? Sweet. No, no, I mean, soften it up. Make it more about you and not about being angry at her.

Right, right. And I'm not. I'm really not angry. I think you are. In that case, being angry at her. Right, right. And I'm not. I'm really not angry. I think you are. I think you really are. I just need to... No, no. In that case, after hearing two different minutes

of you hate your wife material, fine. Then you know what? I'll flip my belief just for you and I'll say... And I'll listen to you when you say that you don't really hate her.

But then in that case, I'll say that maybe you should start writing about something else. Right. Yeah. If you don't really hate her. But then in that case, I'll say that maybe you should start writing about something else. If you don't really hate your wife and you're trying to paint this fake picture, it's not going to come across because you're talking about hating your wife.

Stuff he doesn't really like. He hates his wife and he follows that up with it's tough being a black guy. Hard up here for a pimp. If you're not angry about her, then... Yeah, I'm not. But you have to be.

You have to be. I got so real. I mean, no, you're like... A thousand mile stare there. It got real two weeks ago, too. I'm in too deep. It did. It sure did.

You guys lived together and everything? It's happening again. It has. I can even make it... Why don't we call her right now? No, no, no. That's a good idea. Would anybody in this room like that at all? No, no, no. We only text anyway.

Now you're protective of her. Now you want to protect her. Now she's not bringing you cereal like a bitch. Now you don't want to fucking... What does your wife think of this material? There's no way she fucking heard it. You know what? She stopped.

She kind of stopped coming to see it. That is so weird. What about the time she stopped shaving, maybe? But no, no. She didn't... She stopped coming in general She didn't seem to mind She minded in a weird way when I would

Kind of try to take that material And like put it on Twitter or Facebook Then she minded But when she would come to a show Because afterwards One second you put it on Facebook You're engaged Absolutely I'm guessing her family are Facebook friends with you Afterwards, it would... One second. One second. You put it on Facebook. You're engaged.

Absolutely. And I'm guessing her family are Facebook friends with you. Well, that's why she's like, hey, you know, some of my people... I think your joke is so funny. My dad, on the other hand, is going to pay for this fucking wedding. Right. Didn't like to get my cereal bitch aside. Nor does he want to know about my vaginal hair. Yeah.

He doesn't want to know that I have a pussy like a wolverine. I love how hard you laugh. My dad's a little on the conservative side. I know. I don't want to affect your art. No, we're not knocking wolverine pussy, by the way. You laugh so hard every time somebody tells you how stupid. I know.

I know. You laugh extremely hard at that, which also leads me to believe that what you think is funny is the dumb shit that you do. Right. That is true. Maybe there's something in that. I know. Like, you laugh extremely hard at that, which also leads me to believe that what you think is funny is the dumb shit that you do. Right. That is true. So maybe there's something in that. That's what should be.

I mean, one of the best. I went and saw a comedian named Brian Regan once, who's one of the greats. He's truly, truly brilliant. And he walked on stage, and he goes, I'm just going through life trying not to look like an idiot. That was the first thing out of his mouth, and it summed up his entire act

in the first four seconds and then his act from then on was just, you knew what his perspective was. And that's the thing. It's like, if you do stupid shit all the time and everyone hates it but you just find it so funny so you keep generating stupidity, that's relatively interesting.

Yeah, I think the crowd would like it more if you talked about what a dick you are for not liking your wife's food. Yeah. As opposed to being like, that cunt. How dare she? And if she wants to come on and do like three minutes on Kill Tony and become a regular. She just deserves a rebuttal. She's got an open invite.

He comes too fast. I bet you she's cute and nice and like fucking smart and the food's good. Amazing food. Yeah, I bet you it's so good nice and fucking smart and the food's good. Amazing food. Yeah, I bet you it's so good. You just have a limited palate. Maybe she makes your food taste like shit because you don't fuck her right. Dang. Damn.

There you go. You don't get snaps like that from the real paper. All day. Fuck, yeah. That is true. The iron estrogen dispenser. There you go, everybody. Brad Sacks.

There he goes. Good luck to you, Brad. Don't kill your wife tonight. Please don't kill your wife. This poor girl. I really would like to hear her side of all this. Absolutely. Seriously, ask her if she wants to do two minutes.

See if she can cook for about 25. Yeah. We'll bring her in here and we'll be the judge. We're already on her side. We might as well hear it. Absolutely. Or if you want me to come over and test her food out when you're out of town, I'll let you know.

She can either come on and do a minute or she could just make a casserole for the whole reel. Sounds like she can do a minute or less married to that guy. That's right. Maybe that she can do a minute or less married to that guy. That's right. That could also be a thing. Maybe you are a premature ejaculator and she's growing out leg and bush hair all the way

to try to get you to not come so fast. That could be a thing. It could be an interesting approach. Do you think she wants to be a sack? I don't know. That's a rough last name to take over is sacks she's not post-op is she no all right all right oh my god brian okay that was uh brad sacks that's brad sacks on twitter spelled brad s-a-c-h-s s-a-c-h-s you know my last name is Hinchcliffe, and I've been looking at tonight's names

like, God, thank God that's not my last name. It's 11 letters long. Other than Houston. Houston was a good one. Antonio Houston. We still remember it. Here's a new one. Everett Fanor.

Fanor. Everett Fanor hi everyone how are you so the other day I saw a guy snort Oreos on a baby and I was really surprised so I joined in and I snorted the Oreos with them. Now I'm here. Today's my first day doing stand-up, by the way, if you saw me earlier. I'm the guy that said nigger. And everyone looked at me and was like, fuck.

I had sex with a homeless lady the other day. This lady had a baby inside of her, and the baby was jerking me off. And I was like, shit, I'll come by later and see if I can help you later. You get it? Come by? Fuck it. How come dinosaurs don't have dicks? Prove it.

There you go. No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. That's the time. Awesome. Fantastic. He's very easily swayed, this one. Everett.

Fuck yeah. Your first time ever doing stand-up was tonight downstairs. Is that true? Your first time? Not bad. First of all, I was expecting a 75-year-old white man with the name Everett. So that shocked me right away. How old are you, Everett?

24. Fuck yeah. 24. 24. That's an awesome start. I don't know how to hold the mic. See? No, I mean, that's the thing.

I mean, what I was watching, I honestly, it felt like when I, that was like exactly what I was like when I first started doing stand-up. None of it's true. And you're just trying to come up with any funny news. You're like, if I fucked a person and there was a person in there,

wouldn't it be weird? So it's all just like, it's all conceptual and none of it links together. But like, I fucking love watching people do that kind of stand- all just like, it's all conceptual and none of it links together, but like I fucking love watching people do that kind of stand-up. Like it's just stuff you thought of. Like it's just stuff you thought of randomness. Yeah, it was amazing. In the beginning, it's very, I wish

I wish I kept better track of all that weird shit I thought of in the very beginning because you're so desperate to have material that I wish I could find it again because it's usable shit. But right now, you're saying anything that you can think of all the time. There's something great about it.

If you're going to open with a line that got some response like I fucked a homeless lady, probably the punchline shouldn't be about fucking a pregnant lady because that's a different type of lady. I mean, you start, I'm like, ooh, a homeless fucker.

I like this. But that had nothing to do with her being homeless. Right. Other than, I guess, it is funny to fuck homeless people. So, I mean, great concept. Yeah, you had the beginning of one joke and then you went into a totally different joke.

So I fucked a homeless lady. You could have gotten, there's so many things, too. If you combine them, like, I mean, at least that baby has a totally different joke. So I fucked a homeless lady. You could have gotten, there's so many things, too. If you combine them, like, I mean, at least that baby has a home. You know what I mean? Inside the womb. Yeah. The womb.

Yeah. Yes. All right. Fuck yeah, you know. She was on her period, but it didn't matter because we just flipped her box or something like that. Like, whatever she's sleeping on, you know. Listen, maybe, didn't matter because we just flipped her box or something like that. Whatever she's sleeping on. Listen, maybe don't take that advice.

Be a gentleman. Get her a new box. What the fuck? Get her a new box. Is that Minnesota I hear deep in that time? No, baby. America. Wow. Fuck yeah. In the beginning, you're just trying to think

It's almost The beginning of stand up Is so interesting Because you can literally Say anything you want And it's so You're like okay I can literally say anything

But like Start off Try to make it As personal as possible About your particular life And then But then don't lose That weird random shit

Because when you find A place In a bit about you For a thing about Snorting Oreos off a baby, and it makes sense, it's going to be like, holy shit. How did you fucking justify that reference? Don't lose that sense of oddness.

And for people who know the comedy store and the comics here, when you came up on stage and just started with a high-pitched voice, it's very Barry Diamond of you. It makes people like, what? Why is he doing a weird voice? Because it obviously isn't the way you talk. I was about to be real bummed that you were going to talk that way the whole time. I was like, oh no, he's crazy.

But then I was like, oh, he was just doing a funny thing. But yeah, unless it's going to be a thing, don't do it. If it's not going to turn into anything, just go up and talk. You weren't super afraid that this was your first time. You felt relatively comfortable.

You just went up and talked. I was uncomfortable. Yeah, but you hit it well. Everyone's uncomfortable, but the first few years you're terrified, but it's how good are you at hiding that terror. You from LA? No. Where are you from? Orlando. How long from L.A.? No. Where are you from?

Orlando. How long have you been here? October. Another thing, again, this is all stuff you'll learn, but don't cover the microphone up with your hand because that muffles it. No, I'm a rapper, part-time. Oh, my God.

All right, well, in that case, when you're rapping, they can't understand what you're rapping. Hold it below the mic part. Otherwise, you're knocking away just a lot of, like, where your voice is supposed to be going into the mic. And you're covering part of your face where they're going to see the, like, expressions of the joke. Right.

Like, your fist is covering this area they want to see. You know, don't cover your face. And also, comedians are fucking disgusting, and there's been homeless people that have touched that mic. You don't want it touching your don't cover your face. And also, comedians are fucking disgusting, and there's been homeless people that have touched that mic. You don't want it touching your mouth. Wash your hands. Oh, no. Dude, you just literally ate Boonshock's ass.

Oh, God, no. Jesus. Mugzilla, you were putting that on your chode earlier, right? Oh, my God. Oh, Everett. Maybe start by licking the mic. That got a good response. No, seriously, don't do that anymore. People have to talk on that.

The filthy people I have seen perform up here. I guarantee you he would have pulled his dick out after you said that one thing, and I not stopped him after seeing him just lick the mic twice. Yeah, you definitely don't ever want to do that again. Everybody talks, and everybody spits when they talk it's just whether we can

see it or not in the lights but it's constant spit and the last person to use that yeah and the last person to use that was the ding dong show so that was probably in somebody's ass yeah you gotta judge the situation I'm guessing that every eats ass

it's other things that I'm concerned about that could be on the line. I do eat ass. There you go. Hey. Boom. Okay, Everett, you are slightly crazy. Everett, thank you so much. No Twitter?

No Twitter, huh? MySpace? You can find them at Tom on MySpace. Where do we find the rap music then? We got Josh. Alcohol swabbing the... Oh my god. Everett just knocked over their table.

It was Lainey and Jerry. Nothing to worry about. Is everybody okay over there? Awesome. Fantastic. One more time for Everett Fainer, everybody. Everett Fainer! He just started comedy today.

I can't tell you that reminded me so much of exactly when I first started. So many jokes that had nothing to do with me. I had jokes about being an alcoholic. I don't even drink. Anything I thought of that made sense joke structure-wise, I would just tell it. Totally.

That period of time is so interesting when you first started. It's such a fascinating time. I used to be really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad at crowd work because I would overthink it instead of just communicating with whatever was going on. Where are you from? Maybe like once or twice. He never heard of that.

It was never that bad it was never just pittsburgh that's cool so true where are you from st louis i don't speak queer used to be the best um fuck yeah well uh this is the part of the show we have a special guest here tonight who whenever she's here she does a minute. She has done it, I believe this is her fourth time on the show. Very, very funny young lady. Put your hands together for her. It's the one and only

Missy Martinez, everyone. I suck dicks for a living and I'm kind of disgusted by this microphone. Alright, so whenever I'm not filming, I webcam, and there are so many sick fucking fetishes out there. I'm talking about you, Red Band. He put me through college. There's taboo role play where it's brother, sister, father, daughter.

Yeah, and I'm really, really concerned that I'm so fucking good at it. It's wrong how good at it I am the Philip Seymour Hoffman of incestuous roleplay and but all groaners oh and by that I mean I have a heroin addiction too and the fun fetish I'm looking for is the one that's that I'm really good at it's where you eat a whole tube of cookie dough and you sob in the shower. That's the one I'm looking for. But speaking of untimely deaths also, my profession, I know how I'm going to die. I know that I'm going to die of rectal trauma at Charlie Sheen's house. So I've made peace with that, and I'm okay. Aren't we all? Aren't we all?

I like the Philip Seymour Hoffman thing and that whole thing. I think that... It was too soon. Was that written before or after he died? Oh, it was after. Like, immediately after. Because it was going to be Daniel Day-Lewis. I think since

he's alive it makes more sense because when you say philip seymour hoffman unless it's a really killer bit about philip seymour hoffman all everyone's just going to be like he died okay and like we really liked him okay yeah you just start going man boogie nights was good right it was it was good yeah and with anything was. It was good. Yeah. And with anything that you're doing at this point, I noticed that when you said Philip Seymour Hoffman, one or two people sort of groaned. It wasn't like a real blatant, loud groan,

and you got distracted, and it took you from the thing. You go, oh, a groaner? But they're going to groan at that part. Yeah, if you're dropping that stuff, you're going to get a groan. And once you say, oh, a groaner, it makes it seem like you're a groaner. You can make fun of dead people, but it has to be an unlikable dead person.

Or if you're going to get a groan, you want the whole crowd. So then you can make it a thing. But pockets isn't enough. Because then some of the people like it, some people don't. And then you're going to react to the people that didn't like it. You're splitting the difference. You either want the whole crowd to be like, hey, and then you can make it about them.

Or don't, or just nothing. Okay. You know? But I found that it did throw me a little bit. I usually ignore most, like things like that, I'll just ignore. Most of the time I'm always ignoring that kind of shit because you'll have people that chat too much and there's

the comics that will attack that immediately and stuff I'll just make it seem like hey this doesn't affect me that you're doing because they usually end up just shutting up if you let them know it did affect you then that person knows if they want to they can affect you they're like oh oh, she stops.

No fear and no apologies either. If you apologize for weakness. And then they don't care what you say after that. So what else? There was that part, the Philip Seymour Hoffman and Charlie Sheen. The crying in the shower with the cookie

dough thing. I like that angle. I want to hear more about the traumas your body will face as a senior adult star. You know what I mean? There you go. That's a good point. Senior as in senior of high school, not a senior citizen. I don't know. Sloppity.

Sloppity. Have you ever had a pink sock? That might be funny. Are you talking about prolapse? Prolapse. Repto. Everybody prolapses. That's the title of my autobiography.

Really? I can't write. Also, you're making... God damn, that's good. That's a good line. That is awesome. That was funny. I can't write.

That was funny. You're obviously funny. Also, I feel like when you Well, that's funny. Yeah. You're obviously funny, so just keep doing it. Also, I feel like when you started, you made the assumption that everyone knew what you did for a living. That's true. You were like, when I'm filming, and I was like, what? And then I kind of got, I'm like, oh, that kind of filming. But you've got to let them know in a certain way without overdoing it. I've seen people, adult film people, when they do that, they overdo it.

They go, I do porn, I do porn, I do porn, and they oversell. But just let them know. Because when you say when I'm filming, it's like, what are you making a documentary? I want to know what exactly do you mean? I work with children. It's a type of documentary. Yeah, it is. And maybe that's something for these one-minute sets that maybe when we

announce you, we could just say adult film star and brand new comedian, Missy Martinez. So you don't have to do it every week. Because my last three minutes were adult heavy, so I was trying to not jerk off a dead horse. No, it's just very... Don't ever stop that. I mean, certainly not for free.

Yeah. Right. Just a simple... But I like the angle of realizing you're good at something you're disgusted by. That's interesting too. You're like, I rule at this thing, and it's so gross. Also, Charlie Sheen, well, it's something I guess people understand. He's kind of played out at this point. Yeah, there's got to be a new celebrity that's doing it.

Yeah, go Shia LaBeouf or something. Bring LaBeouf into it. I guess Shia. My original was Rick Ross, but I didn't think a lot of people would understand that. He does have great tits. A lot of white people here would have been like, is that the painter guy? No, that's his brother Bob.

Great afro. Thank you so much, Missy. That's Missy X Martinez on Twitter. Always funny. Always fun to have you here. Thank you, Missy. And our next regular tonight, Always funny. Always fun to have you here. Thank you, Missy. And our next regular tonight, you know her from Kill Tony and from episodes of Dysentery. Put your hands together for Sarah Weinshank, everybody.

Always fun. Always different. Laundry is exhausting. Do a load, then there's more, you know? You can't mix darks with whites. It's a whole to-do. What else is it? You know what else exhausting is?

Trends. Every time I'm in my laundry basket, I see all these trends. I'm like, am I still going to wear this? Is this still acceptable as an adult? Should I still be wearing leather? how do I wash leather? I have to get this dried clean specifically at a special place

I can't mix all of this stuff together then all of these old mismatched socks fall out of my hamper I see some neon adults should never wear neon it's like basically telling the world you're under construction We're not gonna lose you, bro

We can see you Clear as day What is neon? Men in neon? Not okay, guys Don't get dressed up trying to look like a firefly You're not a tennis ball I can see you Not gonna lose. You're not a tennis ball.

I can see you. Not going to lose you. You're not a kid at summer camp. She has a goofy style like that. I love it. A lot of that stuff. You're floating out a lot there. I can tell you're really going down your list of examples of uh

what guys wearing neon look like under construction line though yeah that's great solid joke yeah totally i was concerned some like laundry it's it's like one of the hacky go-to it's like weather in la but yeah that the joke was great yeah i feel like just get to the neon part earlier i wanted to do neon but i would like didn't want to get to the neon part earlier. I wanted to do neon, but I didn't want to just go into neon by myself. I wanted to do neon, and I probably had like 30 seconds of neon. So then I was like, well,

what the hell can I put with that? I'm just going to add laundry and trends because the best part of neon is under construction. I think. I don't know. It's best to get to the good stuff quickly. And then try to add on to that. Also, your delivery,

you get away with going slower than I notice a lot of, especially the comics here, you get away with like, you come up and you're like, this happened! And then you pause. And a lot of times people just laugh

at your cadence and the way you say stuff. So I don't feel like you have to rush. You almost get, you get laughs on things that aren't jokes because you have an interesting delivery. Like the way you kind of just talk, I just noticed they tend to laugh at the way you just kind of like blurt all this stuff out.

So I don't feel... Aggressive and soft. Yeah. It's interesting. I don't think you should feel the need to hurry because you're just kind of the odd way you deliver your jokes seems to get laughs. Okay. Cool.

Maybe more about how it's exhausting. You set that up, but you never really get through it. You jump to trends almost immediately. A basket full of regrets is really interesting, though, just conceptually. You look at it like, does it represent heartbreak? It's all mistakes. Just like I shouldn't be wearing Peter Pan collars

anymore. That's not a thing. Like oh plaid. Am I too old for plaid? Like what is that? Yeah did you buy that for a guy? Did you buy that for you

for someone else? Like what's the real reason for all this stuff? What does it represent? Do you have laundry on site? Like do you have it in your place or do you?

Yeah. I have laundry on site. I have to have $2.50 available in quarters. So you share it with other apartments. Paying for regret is a funny concept too. Right. Yeah, I have to come up with $2.50 in coins to wash a mistake.

Yeah, I like that. And also... Fuck, what was it? Maybe some other trends that were big until you get to the neon. Some silly tees. Like a build-up. Yeah. Yeah, wolf tees, good.

And like that Hangover Baby. Like, why did I buy a Hangover Baby t-shirt? That's a great trend. That's a great trend. Like, oh, God, how many of those? Those must be so full. Shouldn't have taken that home from Vegas, that shirt. Yeah, just like, oh, man, i thought that was so funny for 30 seconds and also if you're going to mention the

exhausting part i would say add something else about at what point during that whole thing is it are you getting lazy like at what point do you start to get tired from doing your laundry is it when you carry it to the washer is it in in between that? I know I've always hated making that switch because whatever I always want to do, it takes more than 25 minutes, and I like doing two things at once. So it's always like a fucking, oh, fuck, I have to go move the, but I don't know.

But whatever you do with it is great. We need to keep it moving. Thank you so much, Sarah Wine Shank. Every week, a new minute, guys. Pretty impressive. Building some monsters here. And this is our other veteran and regular. She dropped out of Florida.

Used to be a gator. Just about to graduate, but she fell in love with stand-up comedy. She started right here on Kill Tony. It's the one and only Kimberly Congbin, everybody. Yeah. What's up, guys? Sorry about the wet spot. We're not.

That was Everett. But, you know, after that set, I guess he figured that was the only girl he was going to get wet for a while. Woo! Whoa. Burn. Roasted. So I lost a lot of weight last year, which was pretty cool. But there's a lot that goes

into dieting, you know, cause now people come up to me and they're like, wow, you look great. And I'm like, really? Cause I feel really bitchy. I'm never eating. It's weird. It's like, cause me and food go together, you know, I just have like a special, like peanut butter and jelly and Winnie the Pooh and piglet. Like Asian women in peace signs. You know? Like why do they always do that, you know? They do this in pictures. Is it like, you know how they're here,

they're like one, two, three, cheese. Over there they're like, all right, on the count of three, put up the maximum children allowed in your household. Fuck yeah. Do you think that Asian women have small boobs because their parents let them have B's and C's?

B's and C's. Bra size reference. Because they had to get straight A's. Well, that's really funny. Wow. There's got to be a way to word that so that I understand it. Well, that's what it's about. Yeah.

Write your jokes for Tony. Aim at one person. I mean, if I miss it, that's pretty fucking weird. But no, I guess I get it. Don't backtrack. You did not get it. And a lot of people did. No, I get it now is what I'm saying.

He didn't get it to a microphone. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought she was saying I didn't get into a microphone. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was like an English joke. I think you should do the pose the first time you say it so they know immediately what you're doing. Because it is that classic, they always go like that, do it so they know what you're doing.

You know what's weird? I wanted to, and then I still get shaky on stage, so I'm nervous to even put my hand up because I'm like, oh, everyone's going to see me shaking. Yeah, totally. Then you have to be doing more open mic spots

throughout the week to where this shit just turns completely numb. Think about comedians that do lots of physical stuff. There's a first time they try every bit that's physical and it must be terrifying. But the payoff of finding a joke that works with words and selling it is they're way more effective than just a words joke. But there is that first time. You know, like, when

D'Elia's on his head, there was that first time he had to get upside down. It must have been like, alright, now comes the time where I have to stand on my fucking head, hope it goes well. Like, you just have to do that thing. And I'd like to hear more about, if you're, I mean, and I like where you're at with that dieting thing

because it is true. That's something that I don't hear a lot of people talking about is getting, is how angry that would probably make someone not eating food. And maybe some comparisons of how good you'd feel on this or that. Like you talk about the peanut butter and jelly, but you don't really relay it to, uh, the,

how unhappy you are. Like, isn't that like really hacky to talk about diets? Well, it seems like every, relay it to how unhappy you are. Isn't that really hacky to talk about diets? It seems like every girl female comic probably has a diet. Because every female has been on a diet. It's prevalent, but it also is never ending. It's never going to be conquered.

It's like talking about drinking to me. It's just about the angle. If you find an angle on it. It is a super well-tread-upon thing, but so is dating. You know how I talk about how not eating makes you angry? I wanted to say that that's what breeds feminists. Feminists are just

women that dieted too hard. See, there you go. That's pretty cool. Maybe you scream out snacks during sex now because you're so deprived of them. You're just like, Peanut butter cups, bitch! Stuff like that. Or maybe you have him whisper those things

into your ears. What do you want, baby? And you're like, caramel corn. I mean your dick. I meant your dick, but I mean caramel corn. There she goes, everybody. It's Kimberly Congdon. She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon.

We are going to La Jolla this weekend. We're taking the whole crew with us. Those two girls as well. Josh Martin's going to be there. And we're all going to Comic-Con. Missy's going to be there live from the La Jolla Comedy Store Saturday. Maybe. Maybe.

Okay. All right. What? Okay. She's out. It's Okay, so catch that. It's a two-hour drive. I don't know if it's that big a deal. Thank you guys so much. You guys are awesome at this.

Thank you. This is a fucking well-oiled machine, the three of us. We're full of hate. We're full of hate. You're at Rick Ingram on Twitter, always fucking funny. Yep. Very angry. Yeah, which is great.

It's good that you keep it real out there. Kevin Christie as well. Is it Kevin G. Christie? Kevin G. Christie. Yep. Very angry. Yeah, which is great. It's good that you keep it real out there. Kevin Christie as well. Is it Kevin G. Christie? Kevin G. Christie. Right. Christie. C-H-R-I-S-T-Y. Courtney Mollet, believe it or not, with the woman behind the Iron Hot chick, the Lady Patriot.

Boom, boom, boom. That's Courtney Mollet on Twitter, correct? She's more than Margaret Thatcher. It's actually Margaret Mollet. Margaret Mollet. You changed it. Changes are happening. You know, like, it's me, Margaret. Please follow her on Twitter, everybody.

That's Margaret Mollet, M-O-L-L-E. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe. I'm Brian Redband. See ya. Bye-bye. Bye. Thank you, audience. Thank you audience Thank you Canadian