KILL TONY - KILL TONY #40

Episode Date: March 10, 2014

Billy Bonell, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Josh/Josh Martin, Brian Redban – Date: 03/01/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. Me, Tony, and Tiffany Haddish are going on the road in April for a Death Squad Northwest tour. We're going to be in Portland, Oregon April 18th, Seattle, Washington April 19th, and for 420 we're going to be in Vancouver. Go to DeathSquad.TV for all the ticket links. And also check out ShopSquad.tv. That's where you'll find all the Death Squad merchandise, which is almost out of stock. So here's your last call if you're looking for the third edition Kitty Kat t-shirt. Also, if you want to subscribe to us, just go on iTunes and search for Death Squad.

Also, Dysentery has now got its own iTunes feed. So if you open up iTunes, search for Dysentery and subscribe to that also. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman. Coming to you live from the world-famous comedy store La Jolla for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Fuck yeah, we did it, everybody.

La Jolla. What's up, motherfuckers? How exciting. Wow, this is just like in Hollywood, except it's not. It's really creepily weird because this place, if you've never been to the Hollywood Comedy Store, it's just like this, but just a little different. It's really interesting.

But you know what? You throw up a few fucking Chinese lanterns, and all of a sudden, it feels like home. Yep. La Jolla, how are you guys doing? It's a little bit rainy today, which is very bizarre, so we thank you so much for coming out. This is really exciting.

This is the first time Keltoni's ever in its history been on the road, except for the time we did the L.A. Podfest, but that's not really a road gig. This was a strategic road gig. And so it's so exciting to be here, guys. Fuck yeah. This is like an old, cool comedy club, and we're happy to have you guys. We had a lot of fun last night. We had two shows here.

Yeah, it was awesome. Yeah, it was great crowds and pretty wasted last night. We had two shows here. Yeah, it was awesome. It was great crowds and pretty wasted last night. I'm hurting. I was one of those mornings where I slapped my forehead. I was like, oh, did I do that? Do you remember what I was doing at Denny's? Is that why you left last night?

No, that's funny. I forgot about that actually. We went to Denny's last night and I have a no Denny's policy. But that's how much fun we had last night is that we ended up at denny's and then in the middle of it like i just my anxiety's just building and i'm just getting sort of like it's just i'm just not feeling it that feeling of sort of like am i tired or am i dying is taking over and i stood up i'm in the middle of the booth and i go and I've never done this before.

But the Denny's in PB. I stand up and I go, guys, we just ordered our food. I go, guys, here's a $20 bill. Put it in a box. Throw it in the fridge. I got to get the fuck out of here. I did. And I left Denny's.

It was so weird. It was. You gave me a look like, what the fuck's going on? Well, I thought I pissed you off because, see, I was doing this thing all night where, like, I would, like, we went to Denny's and I was like, hey, a table of five for Denny's. And then, like, this would fall out of my coat jacket. I'm like, oh, sorry, my Magnum condoms just fell out again. Right. And I was just, like, walking by booths doing it.

Like, if there's hot girls, I'll be like, oh, oh, I'm sorry. My Magnum. Security guards, everybody. These are the ones with spermicide on it. I've never had those before. Really? Spermicide's sort of a big deal. Is that what the armor means?

Magnum armor? Magnum armor. Fuck yeah. For guys with big dicks that are also slightly scared. Yeah. That's awesome. Speaking of armor. Yeah. That's awesome. Speaking of armor, for those of you that listen to the podcast,

you know that we always have a head of security just to keep us safe for no apparent reason whatsoever because nothing really ever happens. But this night will be no different. We will have another patriot. And I'm very excited to announce it is the return of one of our favorite patriots ever. La Jolla, put your hands together for Iron

Josh! The Iron Josh! First appearance! He is back! The most giant fourth grader we've ever seen. The Iron Josh is back with us. What is happening, Iron? You know, I'm just trying to find girls.

Okay. Well, you're wearing the right pajamas for that. Fuck yeah, man. Something doesn't look right on you. Something just does not look right on your costume this week. Does the rain make your legs go flippity-floppity? Oh, no. What is up with your legs?

What's going on? I would love to. I can't see my legs. I'm pretty sure you put your knee pads around your shins. That's more of the faults. You have them backwards or something. It's like a true walking oxymoron, a robot

in a fucking onesie. It's like so not intimidating. Yeah, what animal has their legs like that? Is that a praying mantis that has backwards legs or something? It's a human with cerebral palsy, I do believe. Can you show me a picture of my legs? Not right now. We're doing a podcast.

There's a little tear in your outfit there in the middle. I think that was the black guy. Oh, I see. But we're in La Jolla, so we have to explain what a black guy is. It's an African-American, everybody.

Slightly darker skin, really good athletes. It's like a tan Mexican. Fuck yeah, Joshy. Well, you're looking good. How exciting. How's La Jolla treating you? You having fun?

Anything crazy? It's really hard to swim in this costume. It messes with my circuit boards. Can't talk. Wait, you can't talk normally, Josh. For those of you that don't know, Josh has a slight speech impediment.

But one thing that we realized is while he can't say R's in his normal voice, one thing we just learned, and even you were surprised about this, correct? We learned this on the drive, or when we got here yesterday, is that if you do a high-pitched voice, you actually lose your speech impediment. Can you try that out?

Can you say, who's the guy that leads Santa's sleigh during Christmas? He's the most famous reindeer of them all, Rudolph. There you go. You heard that hard R, everybody. That was a hard R on the Rudolph. We found out how to make his speech impediment disappear, and that's very exciting. Well, thank you, Iron Josh.

Put your hands together for Iron Josh. He's going to be keeping an eye on us, making sure that we are super safe the whole time. And with no further ado, what do you say we bring up our guest tonight and get this thing started? This is episode 40 of Kill Tony, everybody. Live from the La Jolla Comedy Store. And since we're in San Diego, who better to bring up than a first-time guest on Kill Tony and a San Diego native, Billy Bonnell.

This time guest on Kill Tony and a San Diego native, Billy Bonnell. Jacking it, hoeing it, playing it, all the shows and all the apples. He's a sensational guru. I'm gonna go out jacking it. San Diego. Jacking it, jacking it, jacking it, jacking it. Spanking it, jacking it, spanking it, smack. I don't need no shirt, no. Gonna take them pants right off.

He's about to jack it. On such a ride. Jeremiah, so good to have you guys. Jeremiah, you've been on the show before. Welcome back. Thank you. Good to be here. Billy.

Hello. Check. Check and hello. Check. Mine got louder. Ooh. Bonus volume. Hello.

Can the audience hear me, right? Yeah. Oh, thank you. It's quieter than normal. Just say, obbity, obbity. Obbity, obbity. Scream. Ah. Ah. Oh, yeah. Just quieter. Just say, Abadi, Abadi. Abadi, Abadi. Scream.

Ah, ah. Yeah, they can hear you. Ah, yeah. Really? Just quiet. Mine got loud. Weird, I can't hear you. Mine got really loud.

I'm concerned about myself. Oh, okay, there I am. Yeah. Good to be here. Podcasting, everybody. It's a beautiful thing. Fuck yeah. So, Billy, this is your first time here.

Have you ever seen anything quite like the Iron Josh? Have you ever been on stage with a specimen like that before? Never. I have no clue what I'm looking at. Is it supposed to be an Iron Man costume? This is my patron. It was a villain of Iron Man. It's a well-storied

I don't know what it is. Your mic's way up there. I'm sorry, I forgot the mic. Just stand close to it. I think it would have came off the same even if he said it into the mic. It's a villain. Well, there was

an original Iron Patriot on the show that had a big explanation for it, and then he quit the show, and we decided to show him exactly how replaceable he is by having random people dress up in an outfit that Brian was nice enough to buy off of Amazon Prime. Two-day free shipping for $11. Two day free shipping for $11. Two days later we had the most elaborate pajama costume. And somehow I found a way to screw it up. Yeah.

Well, knee pads are supposed to go on the knees. Unless your knees are... This one fell. What about the other one? Where are your knees at? It looks like Iron Patriot got it in a bad football accident. His ACL was just like torn and all the ligaments are messed up. Fuck yeah. But the lights are still

shining. You can't put out his Ikea wall lights. You can actually put them out. Oh, very good. Oh, those are add-ons? Yeah. Every week I try to add new shit onto the costume. That wasn't in the $11 package? No. Every week I try to add new shit onto the costume. That wasn't in the $11 package?

No. Those are extensions. But every time I add something, something new breaks. So it's just, I need to do a better job. We need to get breaks. It doesn't seem like it has a lot of moving parts except for the human inside of it. Yeah, he's the most broken part of this with the human inside of it. Oh, by the way,

son of a bitch, I just realized the buckets in the green room and the names are on the clipboard. If somebody wants to cut those up and throw those in that bucket, yeah. Oh, wow. So while you're just out, I can go get the bucket and cut them. Okay, Iron Josh is going to go do that

everybody why not have one of the no it's okay Josh stay up here they're going to take care of that just one of the most important parts of the show absolutely it's amazing weren't you outside just drinking coffee and writing poetry or something

no unfortunately I wasn't but that was one thing that I forgot to do. Josh, you normally have questions for... The Iron Patriot normally has questions for our guests. What are your questions? I do have some questions. Billy first.

Hello. You're from San Diego. You drink a lot. Are you here? He's sweating right now because he hasn't had enough drinks. I could tell. No, I'm sweating right now because I just drank a double shot of espresso, which was a terrible idea.

And then I ordered a hot toddy, which turns out that might have caffeine in it too. So if someone doesn't bring me a towel, this is going to get real weird. I'll take your questions now? My question is, do you like cheesecake? Yeah. I'll take your questions now? My question is, do you like cheesecake? Yeah. That's a stupid-ass question. I love cheesecake.

Patriots love cheesecake. I'm not sure if you know this. It's delicious. It's the time you have cheesecake in your mouth most of the time. Most people think it's not cheesecake It's something totally different That was kind of erotic Like dicks Yeah like dicks

Couple of dicks There's a black bucket Yes in that green room Perfect thank you so much Thank you That's a great question about the cheesecake Josh Really really doing your homework Over there Yeah that was lame Thank you. Okay, so, yeah, that's a great question about the cheesecake, Josh. Really, really doing your homework over there.

Yeah, that was lame. Billy, every time I see you drink, it's like every time I see you, you're drinking. What time do you start drinking per day? Are you one of those guys that wake up and crack open a beer? Oh, geez. No? I didn't even, I'm just now, is this a fucking intervention? This would be the most elaborate intervention of all time.

It's true, especially with the... That's why these seats are all empty in the front row. We are going to bring out Billy's family, guys. Welcome to Bonnell's, everyone. Good luck finding my dad. That would be weird. Do I drink that much? I do like drinking, but usually just at night when everyone else drinks. Are you guys drinking right now?

All right, so we're all on the same page right now. Hey, first sign of an alcoholic gets very defensive when people ask him about his drinking. He starts trying to bring everyone else into it. Don't you do it too? Yes? Okay, we're friends then. You have a question for Jeremiaheremiah yes uh jeremiah uh my friend josh told me you have a really good fire truck joke yeah why don't you ever do it uh this is

pretty inside baseball josh uh i don't know if this is how this is going to translate on a podcast but i used to do this bit that went on for just a little bit too long, and I've already got some other act-outs that are pretty drawn out, so I just kept those in the chamber and decided to part ways with that bit, Josh. Jeremiah is very well known for his elaborate act-outs. He gets very physical on stage. So can you give us some kind of example of what this fire truck thing is? Should I narrate a body movement?

So basically, well, I guess. So basically, if I remember the bit, it's like they should make a show about firemen and all their daily activities and what they do. And they're like, uh, pescatelli, get down there.

There's a, there's a cat down on a third in Washington. Go for it. Got it, boss. Dun, dun, dun,

dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun,

dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun,

dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun,

dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun,

dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun,

dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, Are you okay, kitty? Come with me.

Anything else, boss? I'm going to go. It keeps going on with different act-offs. Wow, that's great. I can totally see why you stopped doing that, Josh. Right? And Josh always asks me to do it. And I'm like, dude, it's just so drawn out. That's like a workout for comedians.

You should start having some kind of exercise. Jeremiah's physical combo. Diamond Dallas Page, the old wrestler, has his yoga that he does. You could just do Jeremiah's fucking CrossFit. I know, right? CrossFit?

There you go. I give you business ideas. Business ideas? Ross Bitt? Yeah. Yeah. There you go. There you go. Hey, we just fucking started a... I give you business ideas. Business ideas? Business ideas? I love how you'll throw in an R on a place where it doesn't even belong. Just to fuck it up. Now he's getting confident with his R's.

He's going to start throwing them in at random times. Like, yeah, I can say R's now. I meant business ideas. Well, ladies and gentlemen, let's get this thing started. It is indeed Kill Tony number 40. We've had some comedians here, and I believe a couple people trying stand-up for the very first time that have been listening

to the show. And you guys know how it works. If a comedian gets pulled out of this bucket, they come on stage from the back of the room, and they do one minute, and you know that your minute's up when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aww, how cute. That's just always adorable.

But you better wrap it up then, or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Wow. Gets a little bit more elaborate each week. And I believe he came on an elephant at the end of that. Well, let's get this thing started. You ready, La Jolla? Yeah. Here we go.

Your first comedian tonight Goes by the name of Beauregard Murphy Here you go Alright Yeah Yeah, Beauregard Murphy, everybody Clap one more time for him

So I was walking my dog the other day Gary Murphy, everybody. Pop one more time for us. So I was walking my dog the other day because I had to prove my girlfriend wrong because she says I don't go outside enough. And I'm about ten minutes in of being outside. And I start to get a little freaked out because my eyes haven't adjusted to the light outside yet. And I'm afraid I'm getting like mole eye syndrome or something. So what I've taken to doing because I've realized I don't know my neighborhood at all either, so I end up just pulling my shirt up over my head and trying to run home before like,

you know, like looking through my shirt as much as I can, and my eyes finally come into focus and I see a bus stop of very worried Spanish ladies, and they're just pointing me the other way. So I just went with it, and I decided that bus stop of very worried Spanish ladies. And they're just pointing me the other way. So I just went with it. And I decided that I should probably go out more often. Back there. There you go.

Thank you. They're definitely, like, I mean i i like the the story um there definitely needs to be some more punch lines in there um i'm not and you said mole eyes is that you said yeah because like i'm okay i've been living in the country a little bit and if you've ever seen moles they're completely blind so they're just like what the hell is going on? Moles? Yeah, moles. Like the animal? Yeah, like a golfer.

Okay. Because they're always underground. I guess I know a little bit too much about moles. I want to hear about that more than this walk and Spanish ladies. All right, so I know a lot about moles. It's like moles on skin are animals, and then you're off from that. The fact that you have this extensive knowledge of moles is really awesome. I mean, I feel like it's better to collect weird information, because then you can just throw it in, and people are just frightened by you, right?

Absolutely. I don't think you're going for frightened. Well, you see, if they get past that, then you're like, oh, you're a true friend. A lot of you say that. Because they're like, oh, you're a true friend. But what have you seen? Because they're like, oh, you passed the test, you know? You passed the friendship test. One, you really need to spend less time with moles, learning about moles, and more about how to use a microphone if you want to do comedy.

You need to really project talk, like microphone, like really close to your mouth. Because, I mean, right now you're supposed to be holding it, you know? Because when you were on stage, you were like this. And it was really like I was trying to pay attention and learn about moles at the same time, I guess. First time on stage? Beauregard Murphy, everybody. That's awesome.

He was cherry in front of you. Learning the ultimate first lesson of mic technique. You've got to get on that thing. Even now, you're still too far away. It's literally like this much. An inch from your mouth. Don't touch it. Yeah, I started

doing this because I was watching the podcast and I got really inspired. I don't know. It's awesome. Well, that's fantastic. That's great. That's so great. I think with comedy, you just have to, I mean, it's awesome. This is your first time doing stand-up.

Yeah, just get up as much as you can, and stuff like the mic, that'll come second nature pretty quickly, and then you'll get super comfortable on stage, and then you'll be talking about moles in no time, and that'll be awesome. Yeah, I was hoping, because I used to play music on stage, so I was a little bit familiar with that, but I guess when you got makeup all over your face, it doesn't really transfer. You were in a band where you wore a lot of makeup? Yeah. Insane clown posse?

No, it was kind of like... Kiss? It was like black metal from Norway with blood all over me and like... Wow. So you got a lot of interesting stuff to talk about, which is great. So you can pull from that. Were you the singer in the band?

Well, I did a little bit of singing. I started off playing guitar, but I was... Can you give us an example of one of your lines that you would sing during the Black Metal Norway thing? Like, just like one quick snippet. I come from the land of the ice and the snow. Wow. That's badass.

Awesome. Now, you don't play music anymore, though? I'm trying to. I just moved out here from Philadelphia about a year ago, so I'm trying to get settled. I stopped playing music for a while because my mom passed away and I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. He would make a great patriot if he

used that voice, though, the whole time. See you later, Josh. All right. I have come to protect the Avengers from the forces of evil. There we go. See, that's pretty good. Do you know how to put knee pads on correctly? I actually have knee pads

with me. Nothing better than the type of guy that brings knee pads everywhere with him. I mean, that is preparation. To explain it, I rode a motorcycle, if that makes it any better. Do you ride a motorcycle, Josh? Josh can't even ride a bicycle.

I don't need to ride a motorcycle because I can fly. That's pretty good. That is true. I don't want to put exhaust fumes in the building. It's always an excuse every time we ask you to fly. You should try to get a fire truck.

What was the word? Fire truck again? Beauregard. He's not going to answer you. He only talks to us. I guess to wrap it up, if you're going to talk about something that a lot of people don't really know about, you need to explain it, even real quickly

so that we know what you're talking about and more about moles. You need to make sure to try to throw a joke in every at least 10 seconds or a tag, like 15 seconds. You need to make us interested. Make sure you're talking about what you think is funny. Don't try to necessarily con people into...

I'm not saying you're conning them. Don't try to trick people into laughing at something that you don't think is funny because then they're your true friend. Whatever you just said with all that, that doesn't make any sense. Just try to get across stuff that you think is funny and talk about that. If you think the mole thing is funny, then add more to it. Get more punchlines in there and attack it. But also, you've got to talk about the real stuff. Being in a death punk, you know, I'm getting into comedy now after being in this

because bobbity, bobbity, bobbity, bobbity, bobbity. Keep it real and flow with it. Beauregard Murphy. Is that how you say your name, Beauregard? Yeah, thanks for the pronunciation. People usually get it wrong. What's that? People usually get it wrong, so thanks.

Heck yeah. I'm in the writer's guild. Beauregard Murphy is on Twitter at Beauregard. That's B-E-A-U-R-E-G-A-R-D underscore J underscore M. Is that right? Yeah. There you go. Beauregard Murphy.

His first time on stage, everyone. That's pretty cool. He's right now in front of you. Doing comedy, Beauregard Murphy. His first time on stage, everyone. He's just right now in front of you. Doing comedy, at least. Interesting. Black metal Norway stuff. I come from the land of the ice and snow. Wasn't that half Led Zeppelin lyrics?

And then he's like, I'll add my own twist. He's like, I'll add a demon voice and call it a regional. Fuck yeah. Billy, a question that I always ask new guests on this show is, when you first started stand-up, did you have a bit that you're sort of embarrassed that you did that you would never do again? But like, okay, can you give us an example?

Well, that whole first set and anything that I said in the first year is pretty much gone. But the first time I did comedy, it was like a strict five minute thing. What was your worst joke? Oh, my closer. I didn't even get to finish it because I got played off by music because I was like four minutes over. They're like, well, we had enough. So my closing joke, the very first time I did comedy was,

how I thought you should pull a tampon out. Keep in mind I was 24 years old. I've grown a lot since then. And I thought it would be great if you tied a string to the tampon string and then tied that to a doorknob and slammed the door. What's amazing is that these always make me laugh so hard. That's right down my alley, the whole tampon shit.

Can you give Brian that joke? Yeah. You got it, bro. You want my whole first year? Tie it to a kid's loose tooth and see what happens. See who wins? Like when they tie two tractors together and they see which one's more powerful? Dude, we just wrote the best joke of all time.

Show's over. That's it. We're not going to be able to top that. Obbity, obbity, obbity, obbity, obbity. But let's try anyway. Your next comedian will be... Austin Train. Was that his Twitter handle?

Sorry, go ahead. You want my Twitter handle? No, no, no. Don't listen to me. Do your set. One more time for Austin Train, everybody. Put your hands together for him. There's one of these movements going on.

There's the anti-bullying movement. And I get it. No one's going to be like, oh, bullying. That's so right. But I feel like bullying is a problem you have to solve yourself, right? So if you're getting bullied, don't shoot up your school. Don't kill yourself. What you've got to do is you've got to focus. You've got to get good grades. You've got to work hard.

Graduate. Go to a community college. Get a liberal arts degree, become a moderate success, go to your high school reunion, and shoot up your high school reunion. That's fantastic. 51 seconds. What was the setup to that? What was your first 10 seconds of that?

Just about the anti-bullying movement and that's a thing now. Right. Just trying to think of how we can pepper something in there. Anti-bullying movement. That was really funny. I did not see that coming. I mean, I thought you were, I kind of saw it coming, but it was not as how you did it.

It was great. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, what do you guys think? It's a great joke. Thanks. I liked it. Did you just describe, like, your actual life,

and then the fantasy was, the punchline was one of your fantasies? I'm just letting you in on my plan for the future. Right. So when is your 10 year high school reunion? It's coming up. I bet. Can I be your plus one?

I like that joke a lot. Halfway through, I was starting to think of notes and then the punchline came and it was like wipe all those notes away. Because I was like what's the notes and then the punchline came and it was like wipe all those notes away because it was like the payoff going to be to this and then it paid off

so it was pretty sweet yeah it's a great setup to a great joke which leads me to believe that there's just you could just add tags to that you know what I mean do the teachers go to high score unions? the teachers do? no, no unless you fucked... Do the teachers go to high school unions? The teachers? No. Unless you fucked one of the

teachers. Really? Is that true? I had a teacher that fucked everybody. I was pissed off because I wasn't fucked. And then we had another... Because she was hot. And then we had a gym teacher, Mr. Phillips, sorry Mr. Phillips, that molested all the guys. And he never molested me either.

So I was getting no action. Fill me up, Phillips. Fuck you. Phillips, that molested all the guys and he never molested me either so I was getting no action. Fill me up, Phillips. Fuck you. That's what they called him? Yeah, fill me up, Phillips. And we're all like fifth graders calling him fill me up, Phillips and the other teachers are like, yeah, just don't talk about it. Whoa. That's all they said?

Hey, very clever what you're saying. There must be pain behind it, but shh. He ended up getting caught like five years after I left. But your joke, yeah, you're right. It's already pretty much done. If you want to add tags to it, there's not really. I mean, it's just a good joke.

Do you think it goes on a little too long in the middle? I think maybe. Maybe like five or ten seconds worth. But I think it's important that you don't, because that came in at 51 seconds for one big boom at the end, right? Yeah. So once you drive that home, it'll only be worth doing, really, if you keep adding stuff to the back end of it. Because adding stuff to the middle is just going to take away the air that you're blowing into that balloon that makes that big pop in the end. So after that, I just don't know which direction it would go.

I mean, if the whole thing is shoot up your high school reunion, then, you know, that's a fucking interesting one. Sometimes I think of these things right off the top of my head like it's nothing. But that's a really great joke. Thank you. Thanks. You wasted nine seconds at the end. You should have been like, you know what I'm talking about? This guy's with me.

This guy's with me. Should I come up with a catchphrase for the end? The crazy thing is, is I'd probably get another huge laugh. Literally, even though that sounds like a joke on a joke, it really, because then you're asking people to relate to that. Am I right, guys? Shoot up your high school reunion? That actually, anything like that, whatever you think, is a way to try to relate to people, but obviously it's only your own crazy thought. Who's with me?

Right. We kind of used it up already. You could go with that, like, who's with me? Literally. My reunion's in three weeks. I have a plus one. Oh, there you go. Nine seconds. There you go. Austin, that's awesome. How long have you been doing stand-up? About three years.

Fantastic. How long have you worked here? About a year. Awesome. It's a great path. I used to work at the Comedy Store in Hollywood. And look at me now. Anyway, Austin, thank you so much. Thank you. Great job. Fantastic job.

Austin Train. That's Austin underscore Train on Twitter. Train. If anybody out there in the Twitterverse wants to think that they can add something to that, tweet at them. Austin underscore Train. How fun. It's such a fun place.

I'm so glad that this is the first place that we really took it because we've really kept it at the store so much. It's such a dark pit up in Hollywood. Right. And so it's so only fitting. I'd rather be here. Can we just start doing it here every Monday? I would love that so much. Seems like the people want it too.

Josh, how would you feel about that? Talk out of your camel toe. I love that I got this job, by the way. Like, Jeremiah, you're really going to be doing this a solid by sitting at the end and putting it in Josh's vagina every second he needs to talk. Is that cool?

Alright, cool. Such a great dynamic. I have a laser penis. It's like a lightsaber. Don't mix comics, you know? Can't say lightsaber when you're talking about Iron Man comics. Thanks. That's like a lightsaber. Don't mix comics, you know? Can't say lightsaber when you're talking about Iron Man comics. Thanks. That's true. Thank you.

Thank you so much. That'd be appreciated. Please don't mix the worlds. Please don't mix the worlds. Let's get another comedian up here, shall we? This one goes by the name of Cameron Dyson. Oh, yeah. I know this guy. comedian up here, shall we? This one goes by the name of Cameron Dyson.

Oh, yeah. I know this guy. Hey, folks. I hope you had a good day today. I had a very strange day. Earlier today, a black guy called me a Triscuit. So it's good to know I'm moving up in the cracker hierarchy rather than the other way around. Worked a while from wheat then. I was watching TV last night and I see an infomercial for attention deficit disorder medication that's over 30 minutes long. I was like, who the hell are they marketing that to? If You're going to market ADD medication. You got to put that shit the right way. You know, like put it on the back of a bus or a blimp or a fucking squirrel, anything that's distracting. You're going to get that message

across. I recently had to break up with a woman because she was so bad at role-playing. Like she was that bad. I was like was like all right this is done because whenever we were about to do anything she'd be like okay this time you be my brother and i'll be your sister it's like what you're my cousin do we have to make this any weirder than it already is all right that's it also 50 seconds of thunder Tents of Thunder. Oh, yeah. Cameron Dyson. Fuck yeah. Those are some good jokes.

Thanks. How long have you been doing stand-up? About, yeah, two and a half years. Cool. Yeah, I like the cracker one. It almost seems like there's somewhere else to go after that. Like, what's better than a Triscuit? A Ritz.

Ritz isn't better than a Triscuit. What's that cracker they give at communion? That's a pretty good cracker. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, the wafer. Yeah, that one's all holy and shit. It's got no flavor, though. The Lord really doesn't believe in that. Just like a lot of white people.

The Lord really doesn't believe in having a good taste. Wait, wait, wait. You like Ritz? You like Triscuits? What are we talking about again? He really doesn't believe in having a good taste. All right. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You like Ritz? I mean, you like Triscuits? What are we talking about again? Crackers.

Crackers. Cracker-ass crackers. You don't like Ritz? Ritz sounds like it'd be the fanciest. It's the best one. Taking it to the Ritz and the Ritz Hotel, it sounds fancy. It's got butter in it. Ritz is a very plain cracker. Is that the best cracker?

No. Is there even salt on a Ritz? I got Triscuits ahead of Ritz. This could be a three-hour debate. A round of applause. Who has Ritz ahead of Triscuits? All right. Really?

I'm not big in the cracker world. Triscuits are way more expensive. Sometimes you learn things the hard way. Triscuits are way more expensive, first of all, because I'm a cracker connoisseur. I always have to have crackers in my cabinet. You are from Kansas. Yes, I am. And then it goes wheat thins and Ritz is near the bottom, actually.

They're right above saltines. Are Nilla Wafers crackers? They really are. The Nilla Wafers are not crackers. That's really reaching there. Are chocolate chip cookies crackers? I don't know. That's interesting.

You can really tell that you have the luck of having a lot of stage time because that is one thing, like you could pretty much say almost anything and I think you'll be able to do it well because, and that's somebody that's like starting off as an open open mic or and stuff if you really want to do this work at a comedy club because these are the luckiest sons of bitches ever because they get fucking stage time all the time and they're really just pretty much you're going to college by working at a

comedy and they barely have to clean up puke ever. It's true. I can't believe Ritz is considered a better cracker than Triscuit. This is like blowing my mind. I'm with you. Triscuit. Ritz is below Triscuit and Wheat Thin. Right. What?

As far as price. As far as price. Oh, we're talking a good cracker. What's the fanciest cracker? Ryan, you got an answer for this? Nothing, okay. The fanciest crackers are those little crackers you buy, like, by the expensive cheese that are, like, really stupid.

Oh, the meat trays and stuff? There's a rich person here going, what the fuck's a Triscuit anyway? They know some shit we don't even know. They're just like, I'm not telling them because we don't want poor people eating their fucking crackers. For poor people, Doritos are crackers. It's already got the cheese in it, man.

What accent was that? Red band on impression. It's got the cheese in it, man. It's got fucking cheese, dude. Cheese in it. Fuck yeah. What else did you talk about? ADD. He talked about that. Yeah, it's in it. Fuck yeah. What else did you talk about? ADD.

He talked about that. Yeah, it's just great. You have really good jokes. Thanks. Yeah. Right. I think you kind of, you try to squeeze three jokes in there, and at the end of each joke, you just went on to the next one,

and people were ready to laugh at the end of each one. But you were like, fuck, I've got to do all these jokes in a minute. Yeah, I kind of rushed it laugh at the end of each one but you were like fuck i gotta do all these jokes in a minute yeah i kind of rushed it there at the end but yeah you could have gone for just two jokes and just let the laughs ride i got greedy man yeah this is my chance i mean there was less than a second between the two middle jokes your second joke and your last joke and they were ready to laugh but but you're like, next joke. Oh, yeah. Should have melted. I know you think that's funny. I don't even need to hear you laugh.

I will continue on with my set. Do you change directions a lot like that? If you were to do a 10-minute set, is it just... Well, I typically kind of stack one-liners or whatever you want to call them that are within the same topic together. So it's a little bit more organized and afloat.

But for the most part, yeah, I kind of have a lot of those sharp turns that I've been trying to work on. What was the ADD advertisement originally on? When you said it should be on. It was a blimp. No, before. Oh, it was in a 30-minute infomercial.

And it's like, nobody who needs that medication got that entire infomercial in their brain. Yeah, that's solid. That is solid. I don't know how to help you. I feel like you did your strongest three jokes. That's all my material. That's your 10-minute set in one minute. Fuck yeah, Cameron Dyson. Any relation to the

Dyson vacuum? I wish, man. I need that Airblade money. I don't got it. That demon fan money. Those fans that have no blades. No. They have these Dyson blade fans where it's just a big

circle and you stand in front of it and wind's hitting you, but there's no blade. You put your hand right through it. Wow. Yeah, you haven't seen that? Fuck yes. Ribbon has disposable income. No, I don't have one.

I said I had one. It was at the whatever. Hey, Tony, I've been called a vacuum many times in my life. Because you suck? Nothing on that? Okay. Interesting. Interesting what you guys choose to say. Because you look like a vacuum?

I don't understand what you're saying. Please finish the thought. What the fuck? Iron Josh. Just going for it with no real plan. I love it. Cameron, we're going to keep moving along. Thank you so much. That's your Twitter handle?

Great job. Cameron Dyson is his Twitter handle. He's the only Cameron Dyson. He's the only one. Let's keep flying through it. Oh, yeah. I wasn't supposed to see that. Oh, this is interesting.

This is an interesting name. Brian Street Team. Putting on the rips. Different types of way that they dance with stripes. Cut away, call me perfect fits. Putting on the rips. So I recently went out celebrating my wife's birthday by getting completely shit-faced. And after she carried me home and I passed out for her birthday,

I woke up sometime and I decided to urinate on her dresser. She asked me in the middle of the night, What are you doing? What the fuck are you peeing? To which I replied, No. I stopped. I went and finished my urination in the actual toilet instead of the one I created right there in front of our bed. Came back, stepped over her as she's crying, cleaning up my cheap whiskey, urine-soaked beer, urine, and went to bed thinking nothing of it.

Turns out, I pee on things. Nailed it. I don't know if that was the end, but that was okay. A lot of urine in that. A lot of the word urine, a lot of repeating it. It seems like you peed a lot that night. You're in luck if you like pee jokes. It seems like you peed a lot that night. You're in luck if you like pee jokes. Yeah. I thought about making that joke even. I was like, not going to do it. I have to take the fall for you sometimes, too.

I love it. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is the first time. Boom, we did it again. I had boom we did it again I had a feeling cool I had a feeling I had a feeling

I can tell because in that joke there's a lot of and then I said and then she did and then I did so you're sort of like telling this story but it's not really I don't know how to describe it but that's like a common sort of like telling this story but it's not really i don't know how to describe it but that's like a common sort of thing where i don't know instead of just saying what you said you keep

saying and then i said yeah it's almost like if you set it up enough uh like if you're going to do an act out of two characters uh if you establish it right off the bat then you don't have to keep going back and forth so you can just do your normal voice. And then she's like, well, honey, blah, blah, blah. What are you talking about? Well, you keep peeing on my stuff. Well, you need, I went to the bar last night. You know what I mean?

Like it's two different people. So what really happened? It was her birthday. It was her birthday. I went home. Well, we went home together. I woke up about in the middle of the night and just started peeing on the dresser. It was her birthday. It was her birthday. I went home. Well, we went home together. Right. I woke up about in the middle of the night and just started peeing on the dresser.

And she asked me. Which is in the bedroom. Yeah. You guys live together. Yeah. She's my wife. Oh, perfect. Yeah.

Surprisingly. Fantastic. And you did say you were drunk? Yeah, I was. A lot of people do. I pee all the time when I'm drunk. It just happened in the last year where i started peeing on rain i think it's something about my 30s but did you

move recently yeah actually it's because what you're doing in the middle of the night you're looking for your old bathroom and you're half asleep it really is i used to pee in my sister's bedroom when it i my sister briefly lived with me at this house and we just moved in. And I would wake up in the middle of the night and I'm peeing on her clothes. And she's just like, Brian, what are you doing? That looks like a delicious dick.

Get out of here. If that works, that's great. He would just say it was because you were fucked up, not like some weird psychology thing. He was lost. No, he was just like, man, I'm not going to the bathroom. That dresser looks nice. I've been really fucked up.

I've never peed anywhere except for the toilet or something that's very closely related to the toilet, like a sink, maybe a bathtub. A dresser, that doesn't even look like... How like a sink, maybe a bathtub, a dresser. How did you know that you peed in the dresser? Because she woke up and said, what are you doing? Are you peeing on the dresser?

Is it just a pee thing? Have you ever pooped in anything? I have one. I have a friend who did a road gig with a buddy who one time, so they're on the road and they're in a hotel room at night. They're drinking, partying, and ha, ha, ha. It's a fucking good one.

And then, like, he's wasted. They're all wasted. They wake up the next morning, and my buddy opens up his fridge, and he smells something, and he opens up the crisper drawer and the other guy took a shit in the crisper drawer he thought that was the toilet like imagine that you wake up the other refrigerator in a hotel by the way so like he opened so the guy in the middle of the night opened the refrigerator was like oh this is definitely the toilet opened the crisper drawer sat down against the crisper pooped didn't wipe closed the crisper, pooped, didn't wipe, closed the crisper drawer, closed the door,

went back to bed. Wow. So, I mean, your problem really isn't that bad. I only poop in weird places when I smoke weed, so it's completely nowhere. Have you ever pooped in, like, in a road trip, and you poop into a Starbucks Trenta cup?

No. Nope, nope. Not one time ever. Never? Never? Uh-uh. I heard that one. Yeah, right. I pooped in a cup once.

All right, see? Did you really? Yeah, I was in a hotel room, and my friend pooped on the floor of our hotel room as a prank, and then... Sweet, sweet prank. And then...

Well, we were staying in separate rooms so so he ran next door he pooped on the floor and then he ran back and i'm like oh i'm gonna get him back and then i pooped in this cup uh like over the toilet and then i ran next door and said it without him knowing so then like eventually they found it and it it was just, like, steaming. Oh. Yeah. Sweet prank, sweet payback. Right? You put it outside of their door? No, inside their room.

Wow. Yeah. Dude, there needs to be more poop pranks. Can you imagine, like, pooping in a big, like, pickle jar and just putting it in your refrigerator and then, like, your friend's refrigerator, and then later he's just like, oh, I want a pickle. And he's like, what the fuck? That's not a pickle. This really took an interesting turn. I like how he's shitting the cup over the toilet

like it's a safety precaution. His friend just shit on the floor, and he's like, I don't want to get shit on the floor, though. I'm a clean guy. But there's already shit on the floor. The hotel room has been ruined already. Fuck, we went from rits to shits in no time. There it is.

Thanks, Jeremiah. I think they knew that that was that. Is your wife here right now? Yeah, she's... Yeah, sexy. Oh, is that her pissing on the exit sign? Match made in heaven. Fuck yeah, Brian.

Well, you know what? First time on stage. What do you do for a day job? Just a manager. And then I do some other stuff. What kind of manager? Asset manager. I manage assets.

Asset manager? I would love to be an asset manager. Yeah, how much for a hit of acid? No, ass asset. Oh. I like how you said ass asset. Yeah. So he's a pimp. Alright. I'm an asset

manager, motherfucker. Yeah, that was a bad pimp impression. Brian, why do you call it Brian? Why do you call yourself Brian's street team? That's a carryover name, I guess. From? From porn. I was a porn, I am a porn guy, so now I... You used to do porn? Porn star, yeah. Semi-professional meat slinger. I actually know you. I met you at AVN. What? What? What? Hey, Red Banner, Eskimo brother. Hey, tell me you'reM. What? Hey, Red Band or Eskimo Brothers.

What's up, man? Hey, please tell me you do golden shower only porn. Just one time. It was weird. That's right. What's the weirdest thing you've done for a porno video? Pissed on a dresser? No, I put my foot in a girl's butthole.

That's some Red band stuff right there. You got some material, dude. Well, I mean... This is exactly why I ask those questions. Something you can relate to. It's like, that's the shit that you have to be talking about. That's literally the shit that you have to be talking about. Yeah, because you have a perspective that no one probably here has,

putting feats in assholes, except maybe myself. But no one else here talks about it. And if you can explain that, that's such a great storytelling aspect of it because you can really get people interested in it because it is interesting what you do. I just didn't want to pigeonhole it. I wanted something more relatable to everybody.

Like everybody has a stimulus on a dresser. It's when you're eating a girl out and your nose is fucking her in the ass pigeonholing. Interesting. That's sad with conviction. Sad with total conviction. So when you said you're an asset manager, that was just total bullshit? No, that's my day. I have a day job, and that's my hobby,

if you will. It's a great hobby. Are you sponsored? I do some other stuff too. How's your porn name? I'm just a little confused. How does your porn name Street Team? You fuck people on the street?

It's a nickname that started because there was two Bryans in the room basically at a lot of times, and so to alleviate confusion, Brian, and then Brian's street team, because I was on the street team. They were like, Brian Brownfoot. No. It was just to help

to... Chief Brownfoot, can you move a little to the left? I started off on the street team, if you will. I love it, man. Yeah, that's great. It's fucking awesome. Brian's street team, everybody.

Another first timer. Good job, man. I knew he looked the best. I've probably seen some of his work. He's probably fucked a couple of my ex-girlfriends. What's going on over there? Somebody just signed up? Oh, interesting.

Who is it? Louis C.K.? How about this? Put your hands together for Randy Villarba, everybody. So I'm a huge World Cup soccer fan. With the World Cup coming up in Brazil, I'm looking forward to it. The United States hired this German coach, Jürgen Klinsmann. He was a World Cup winner as a player, World Cup winner as a coach.

Has the U.S. men's national team motivated to the point where they're playing the best soccer I've ever seen them play. But when he yells at them after a game, to hit the showers! Do you think the Jewish players kind of linger back just to make sure it's water? It's water. We're good. We're good.

I was out in Denver. I was having dinner with a few friends. I was thinking about moving out there. I'm a big skier. And they were telling me I couldn't move out there because my dog would be illegal I have a pit bull mix and they were saying that those breeds

have been declared illegal to the point where cops are not only sighting people but they're actually shooting these dogs started looking around the restaurant definitely in the kitchen like well these Mexicans are illegal you don't shoot them here in Denver do you? I mean it's not genetics.

It's how you raise them, I guess. Yep. Wow. When you started it, what was the soccer team you were talking about? The U.S. men's national soccer team with World Cup. Okay. You know, it's just, I love it. It was all great. The middle joke was the best one. That was about... Which one was that? What was your second one? The second one was snowboarding. Well, in Denver, the turn with the dogs and then shooting. Right, and the Mexicans being illegal.

And the last one was what? It was just kind of tags on the end of that. Gotcha. The showers thing. That's really hacky. Everyone has a Jewish shower. And that's a really long way to go to try to do that. Plus, you don't want to do a shower

Jew joke, do you? Yeah, you definitely don't. Thanks for the advice. I've only been doing this for a few months. Too soon. Too soon for that. Too soon. But I think that's a great take in the illegal Pitbull thing, but I'm confused

as to why there's Mexicans in the kitchen. Where are you when this is happening? Well, we were in a restaurant in Denver. I mean, I've been out there. There's Mexicans in the kitchen. Where are you when this is happening? Well, we were in a restaurant in Denver. I mean, I've been out there. I mean, there are Mexicans in Colorado. And just kind of playing to the audience in San Diego, most people in San Diego would see Mexicans

in the kitchen. Wow. You're just a racist motherfucker, aren't you? But your last name's Valarba, so I get the feeling you might be able to get away with this, right? I'm trying, I guess. So you're Asian and Hispanic. Well, Filipino, so yeah, I guess so.

Oh, yeah, definitely. Mexico of Asia. Sea beaners. It's like an Asian with a tan. Yeah, totally. More brown than yellow, if you know what I'm saying. Feel free to use any of this as your own material. No, no, no, definitely, definitely.

Because I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do a show tomorrow night and be like, you should have seen this Filipino last night. Anyway. But yeah, I'm sure that there's more to add with the dogs being illegal there. That is a very interesting premise. That's a promising premise

that you stumbled across. Pit bulls are illegal in Denver? Yeah, just aggressive breeds. It was a conversation I had. There's another addition to that right there. How you just said how Mexicans can either... It's amazing that all Mexicans are allowed

even the aggressive breeds, whereas the pit bulls are illegal. How can you tell if it's an aggressive breed might be the next part of that joke? Well, just looking for the fact that we're dealing with a minute, the way I've been trying to explore that is, well, you can't really tell a mixed breed dog, and to some extent you

can't really tell Mexicans are illegal, so just kind of going off of the fact that cops are literally quick draw McGraw shooting dogs out there. Really? Yeah, and then even here in the, like I mean there was an article here in San Diego where

they're shooting Mexicans at the border, and that's not a joke. So just trying to draw the correlation. That's really disappointing. That's a Sarah McLachlan commercial. Sarah McLachlan. In the arms. I would love it if the rapper pit bull was illegal in Denver. That's exactly what I was going to say.

I was going to say it's really depressing that they're shooting these pitbulls and not the rapper pitbull. Something like that. But in your own, you know, whatever. Racist way. In my own racist way. And then I would say, I know it's a minute, but I would just say, just as a rule of thumb, you can go

a little bit slower, because some of the words, I was having a little bit of trouble understanding what you're saying. Those Filipinos are quick. You ever see Manny Pacquiao box? There you go. A lot faster than that. Yeah, I know. I don't do that for a living either.

Thank you so much. Fuck yeah. It's probably the weed. Yeah, don't do the shower joke. Add more to the pit bull thing. Add more to the Denver. But don't do the shower joke. Okay, I'll completely abandon that one.

Girls will call you Nanny Hacky Allen. No, no, I'll abandon that one. I appreciate your guys' advice on this one. Yeah, of course. Maybe some N-word jokes would be good. N-word jokes. Yeah. Just send your set back I'm black people are gross I'm out of here both of your parents are Filipino

how do you end up in San Diego my dad immigrated here back in the 1970s brought the rest of the family I was the only one born here in San Diego. Fuck yeah. Congratulations. Thank you. So they're all technically illegal. Well, they've been here long enough.

Wait, did they get their citizenship or statue of limitations? He's like, no one's paying attention anymore. I love that. He just smiles. Fuck yeah. We're not going to call the

immigration on your parents. Don't worry. Thank you kindly. Thank you so much. Thank you guys very much. Cheers. That's at Randy Writes. That's W-R-I-T-E-S

at Randy writes. And, uh... How do we have... One and five, yep. So let's get one more person up here while we still can. Hey, how about Dan Harumi?

Who let the dogs out? Dan Harumi. Who let the dogs out? Dan Harumi. Who let the dogs out? There he is. My foggy is tucked in your feet. Thank you. I feel really at home with these lamps up here. I feel comfortable right now.

I feel like shaving is like playing a scratchy lotto ticket with my face. I feel like it has the same results. At the end, I'm just disappointed. Like, great, this guy again. Someday I want to look at my face in the mirror and see Wesley Snipes. Like, it's about fucking time. in the mirror and see Wesley Snipes. It's about fucking time.

I like to carry around scratcher lotto tickets just to make my life more interesting. Like when I go to the taco shop and they ask me if I want to pay a little extra for guacamole. I'm like, maybe. Or like I like to keep a scratcher lotto ticket and with like a box of condoms in my apartment.

It's like, man, I cannot afford to get this girl pregnant right now. Unless. Hell yeah, $50. Let's go half on a baby. All right, thanks a lot, guys. Dan Harumi bringing the thunder. That's fucking awesome, man. You're a funny guy.

Thank you. How long have you been doing stand-up? About a year. Wow. Fuck yeah. Dan Harumi, very powerful. How often do you go up? I do all the open mics and stuff around town.

It's probably like seven or eight times a week. So a hardcore year. Yeah, definitely. Quite a bit. Fucking way to do it, man. You're in great shape. Oh, thanks. And all in San Diego.

I've gone up to L.A. a little bit, but not really. So just mostly San Diego. 28? 28? Mm-hmm. Fuck yeah. You can do it, man. Yeah. That's a lot of fucking really funny shit

And the fact that you acknowledged You turned a little joke into the first thing I mean you have the fundamentals down You have the jokes, you have a style You seem comfortable I mean that's That's like a Pretty amazing stuff right?

Blatantly funny Yeah if you can riff well and you have solid jokes, that's pretty powerful. Yeah. Seven days a week shows. It's a blatant difference than first time, than three years, couple times a

week. You're already, it's about reps, so it's very important that you keep that up, because that's fucking awesome. That was a fantastic performance. I don't even know what else to say. I can't add on to anything. Such a great opener. I love your stage. Is that how you always, your stage

presence always kind of like this? Usually I take the mic out, but I don't know, I just run and jump in. Yeah, I like your stage presence all in all, so yeah, you can tell you're kicking ass. You have a job? Yeah, I just work retail. jump in yeah i like your stage presence all in all so yeah you could tell you're kicking ass uh you have a job uh yeah yeah i just work retail right yeah but that works because you work during the day and then you get to get up at night yeah pretty much i try to keep the job as minimal as

possible so i can try to get up here a lot yeah i do the open mic every sunday here and then i've done i did a little show here before too awesome yeah if I were you I would yeah I would really try to just really even try to push it harder I mean if that's what you're doing at 7 days a week I would keep it I mean I can't imagine

how hard it must be to do 7 nights a week down here in San Diego but you know maybe try to get a job at a comedy club and double down in it, because then once you meet comedians, they're going to want to take you on the road, and then they're going to want to this and that.

It's very promising. You're absolutely hilarious. Dan Harumi, everybody. That's at Dan underscore Harumi. Very interesting. Fucking San Diego gem right there. Look what you guys built. Now, at this point in the show, we always have two regulars,

if you've ever watched the podcast or listened to it, that go up at the end of every single episode, and we brought them with us, everybody. So, here we go. Going first tonight, put your hands together for the always funny Kimberly Congdon, everyone. She dropped out of college 40 weeks ago to be part of stand-up comedy in LA.

What's up, guys? How are you doing? Nice. I grew up in kind of a poor town, you know, so a lot of the kids in my school would steal the things that they wanted, like earrings, but what they would do is that they would go to the store and they'd take the earring out and leave the back and replace an object to use as an earring back. So I'm having a conversation with my friend Kanasia one day. And I'm like, Kanasia, what are you doing for college? She's like, I don't know. Listen, I haven't figured that out yet.

But my daddy said, it don't matter where you come from. It matter where you going. I was like, OK, are you going to a place where you're going to make a lot of mistakes? Because you're using erasers as earring backs. Like, what are you doing? She's like, no, girl, but in the front, they is cubic zirconias. And I was like, oh, no. She's like, no, genuine cubic zirconias, girl.

Genuine. And I was like, cool, but can I have my erasers back? That's it. Thank you. I'm just a little bit confused as to exactly what happened there. Okay. us exactly what happened there. Okay, so when I was in high school,

a lot of darker classmates of mine would steal earrings. Black people. Yeah. So, like, black people would steal earrings and wear erasers as earring backs. And, like, she was talking about her future

and I was like, no, but seriously, you have some erasers in your ear right now. It almost seems like the voice threw me off. The voice is unnecessary. What you needed to do is make that bit exactly how you said it to us a little bit different. But not, not, not. It's not voices or whatever you're doing. All I'm doing is like, who's she talking to, a munchkin?

I don't get what's going on. Did it sound like a munchkin? It's weird. A black munchkin. It sounded, it sounded a little like. I guess, like,

I mean like. It sounded cartoony black. Someone over there knows the same black girl you know. It was like a black girl like on Rugrats or something like that.

It sounded like one of Bebe's kids. Yeah. But, you know you could do that without that voice because normally when you do a voice like that it's leading to something or it comes

back but it really doesn't in that. The person making the voice isn't the one. At the same time the genuine part is sort of funny. She's saying it like the R&B singer genuine. What's his song i don't even catch that i didn't catch that at all wait i'm a fan of genuine and i didn't catch that

like the whitest black girl in the room say you're a genuine fan yeah i'm a genuine fan what sorry what was the part about genuine i just like she was like these are genuine cubic zirconias and like i think it's funny because like you know those are like the cheapest earrings and she's like bragging about them with her erasers in the back of them it was just funny because it was real you know that's what happened in high school and i was like are you fucking shit they they would wear huge diamonds but the backs would be erasers so it was was kind of like, what the fuck are you doing? Right. Do you know what I mean?

You should do a payoff where it's, yeah, do you know what I mean? Please add that to the joke. Nice, let's talk about this. Do you guys know what I mean? It seems like the whole idea of the earrings and the rings is actually just a tag of a story of you talking about a girl. You know what I mean? Yeah. The voicing threw me off.

It just seemed unnecessary. I thought it was a lot funnier you explaining it as just like, no, I knew this girl type way. Do you agree with this? I think a few weeks back I did that snot, that little girl with the snotty nose and I was trying to bring that

voice back and trying to figure out where I can place it. I don't think you should force a voice in there. No. I come from the land of the ice and snow. And it's stupid. Oh, yeah. Good old Beauregard.

But yeah, it's always fun. It's always a new minute. Yeah. Fantastic. I don't a new minute. Yeah. Fantastic. I don't know what else to add. You got to find a better punchline because you said the same thing over and over again about the earring backs. Like, can I get my earrings back? Or the erasers back.

Can I get the erasers back? Yeah. It's funnier when you said in the middle, you're just like, hey, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. You're an idiot. And then be like, black people are gross. I'm out of here. Perfect. There you go. That's Kimberly Congdon on Twitter. Kimberly Congdon, she's here.

She's doing two shows after this, stand-up shows. And finally, your final regular here on Kill Tony, put your hands together for Sarah Weinshank. and finally your final regular here on Kill Tony put your hands together for Sarah Weinshank light bulbs are a pain in the ass

you gotta replace them I have to risk getting carpal tunnel by unscrewing them they're fragile fragile I don't fuck with them if a light goes out in one room

I just move to another room eventually I'm just sitting in darkness and I'm like this feels right but then you gotta bite the bullet, got to go down a Lowe's, got to figure out where these bulbs are, get misdirected a few times, redirected, find the light bulbs, have to figure out what kind of wattage I need.

Wattage I need. Wattage? Do I need 30? Do I need 60? Do I need 90? Do I need a soft light? Do I need a bright light? I'm not trying to fuck with a fluorescent light.

Right? Right? All right. Be careful. She tried to get a little bit more in there. Did you hear the cat? I didn't hear the cat. Oh, you have a bear fetish now, don't you? Yeah.

I'm about that grizzly life. Did you really say fragile by accident? Fragile, fragile? I just thought of, like, in the moment. Because that would be funny if you didn't go into that. And what's up with words that you could actually say two different ways? Like, fragile, fragile. Because I hate that shit, too.

Like, there's a lot of those where it's like, you know. Fuck, I can't think of one right now. Tomato, tomato. Yeah, tomato, tomato. I really, really, really love what you did with that light bulb thing. The only thing that I would say is I would lose the carpal tunnel part. I just don't think that that's serious

and I don't think that's realistic enough. I think you not wanting to do it or you being lazy or whatever any other approach, I just don't find it realistic that you would think that you could get carpal tunnel. I'm just kind of neurotic so that was like a thought. That's fine. But don't share it. But even saying that

is better than, in my opinion, saying that before carpal tunnel, because if your genuine or genuine concern is getting carpal tunnel, I just don't find that to be believable. But meanwhile, the stuff that's coming up after that

is so sort of real and funny that I think it takes away just a little bit. But that's funny that you end up in a room of completely dark, you know? And there's almost, again, something there. Is it really about laziness or is it that, how do you have that set up that you just don't want to do it because... I do the exact same thing. It's just a pain in the ass like if i have you know one if i have one light that's all i really need like i'll make it work right i don't feel like taking a trip taking out the old lights sometimes you can't

reach them for five years i've haven't had kitchen lights i've been only using the oven light because i never use the kitchen it's like i have to walk in real quick and open the refrigerator door just so I have a light to see what's in the fridge. And the oven light's pretty bright enough. I just changed it the other day. That would drive me insane. Oh, yeah. It hides the dirt, too. It's great.

Have you ever taken a light from another room into a different room? Like, oh, fuck, I'm down in one light bulb. Let's take it to the bathroom so I don't shit on the floor. Yeah, that's a good... I like that. Oh, that's awesome. Thank you so much, Sarah Weinshank, everybody. That's at PrincessShank on Twitter.

S-H-E-N-K. We would like to thank our friends over at Don Carlos for donating burritos. Fuck, yeah. Daddy's got to eat. Hopefully he remembered that I don't eat dairy or meat. Anyway, thank you so much. Billy Bonnell, what's happening?

You're at the Billy Bonnell on Twitter. What else is going on? Not the Billy Bonnell. Oh, really? Just Billy Bonnell. Oh, shit. He just started following me yesterday, so I don't expect you to. Right, yeah.

It's the Billy Bonnell. No. I'm just kidding. It's Billy Bonnell. Oh, shit. You just started following me yesterday, so I don't expect you to. You're right. It's the Billy Bonnell. No. I'm just kidding. It's Billy Bonnell. B-I-L-L-Y B-O-N-N-E-L-L. I told everybody to follow at the Billy Bonnell, but I guess you're not going to see that. Some fucking guy's getting a lot of followers right now.

What did I do? Anything coming up you want to promote or anything? Website, anything? Yeah, you can find me on Tumblr at Billy Bonnell also. That sounds like a joke, but you're being serious. So serious. I didn't think about what I have coming up. Oh, I'm in Las Vegas next Friday at the Canyon Saloon. That doesn't sound prestigious, but it's a pretty good show.

Fuck yeah. I'm in Las Vegas, 8 p.m.. February, Las Vegas, 8 p.m. Next March 7th, 8 p.m. Yes, I'm at JeremiahStandUp on Twitter, and then my website is JeremiahWatkins.tv. Got a bunch of cool videos, stuff like that. Next, Thunder Pussy on the Death Squad Network. We're doing a live show at the Ice House on March 7th.

We got some cool, exciting guests. Yeah, I can't wait to announce who's going to be on that show. If you guys don't know what Thunder Pussy is, check it out at DeathSquad.tv or on iTunes Death Squad. It's where comedians go on stage, people yell out topics from the audience, and then we have to do stand up on the spot. On whatever you tell us

to do. It's so much fun. It's amazing that you guys came together and turned that into a podcast for the people. Iron Josh is at Josh Martin Comic, everybody. One of our favorite patriots of all time. Follow him relentlessly at Josh Martin Comic. We are actually debuting our first ever Kill Tony tour poster for sale in that lobby right now for the very first time if anybody's interested. And we have two shows

tonight after this. I believe if you're in this show right now, you get to come to the 8 o'clock show for free. Yeah, you just stay where you're at. If you want to watch a comedy show, you get free. And it's going to be fucking awesome. At Red Van, at Tony Hinchcliffe.

La Jolla, we did it. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Fucking awesome. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. And when you live this way, I'm really with you. you