KILL TONY - KILL TONY #41

Episode Date: March 17, 2014

Sarah Tiana, Matt Braunger, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Iron Patriotica, Brian Redban – Date: 03/03/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Bandit and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.tv. The Death Squad 2014 Northwest Tour is on sale right now. Tony Hinchcliffe, me, and Tiffany Haddish, the original Cat Pack, are coming to Portland on April 18th, Seattle, Washington, April 19th, and Vancouver, Canada on the 420 show in Vancouver. That's going to be crazy. Anyways, go to DeathSquad.TV for tickets or BogartLA.com.

Also, check out ShirtSquad.TV. We're almost completely sold out of the stickers and the t-shirts of the Death Squad pill, the third shirt. So if you haven't got one yet, there might be some sizes left. I know they're just getting really, really low. So the fourth shirt should be on pre-sale pretty soon. So you might want to, you you know go over there right now so i don't have to hear about you bitching in the future also a good little note is if a size is sold out um if you go a little bit smaller these shirts do run a little big so i know large has

been uh sold out for a while but i know mark maron just posted a photo today and he wears a large and i send him a medium because i had no larges and uh it looks pretty big on him for if he was originally wearing a large so I don't know check it out I just got an extra large I bought a bunch of extra larges and they're huge on me like I almost need to go back and uh well I guess there's no larges so I'm screwed I'm screwed guys that's I don't even have one of the shirts I want. So anyways, go to Shirt Squad. I'm sorry, ShopSquad.TV. Don't go to Shirt Squad. That's stupid.

ShopSquad.TV. Check it out. And also, please subscribe to us on iTunes. Just open up iTunes, search for Death Squad, hit subscribe, and then you have fresh Kill Tony sent to you whenever you open it up and also if you're a big fan of dysentery please follow dysentery on itunes uh it's a podcast i do where i sexually harass everybody uh just open up itunes search for dysentery hit subscribe and if you rate and review that show if you give me a little review and subscribe to it uh once i get a hundred

written reviews i am going to pick out somebody from those reviews. Just put your Twitter name in there and I'll contact you. I will send you, if you have the funniest review, I'll send you a box with a bunch of Death Squad merch and cool

stuff in it. It'll be a little present, a little surprise pack of cool shit. Anyways, again, go to iTunes, or if you're a Stitcher fan, check out Stitcher. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world-famous comedy store for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony, Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Fuck yeah, everybody. Hi, everyone. How are you guys? Another fun Monday evening live here in the Belly Room.

They fixed the neons from the 70s on the sides of the stage. Put your hands together for that. The Comedy Store bringing back neons from decades ago. Very excited about tonight. We just, hello. That's for you podcast listeners out there. Just a little special shout out for you. The sound system's actually degraded, though.

The one thing that's important, though, is they don't fix. But that's happening. Is it? Yeah, this month they said that they are getting an all new sound system in the belly room as well. It only took the Comedy Store 45 years to realize that that internet thing might take off. So they're doubling down on their podcasts here. We just did one at the La Jolla Comedy Store. Speaking of old black and red comedy clubs, we went to the only other comedy store in the world, the La Jolla one, and had an amazing time.

So much fun. Bunch of sold-out shows. And the podcast was amazing. Iron Josh made his return as the Patriot which was very exciting. We had a bunch of sold out shows and it was really cool seeing the talent that's in San Diego because

these guys, you know, they have open mics down in San Diego but they barely ever get to go to Los Angeles. And these are people that just get a shitload of stage time. They are just I mean, it's just amazing how talented they are down there. Totally. And there was a couple guys that have been being built there for years,

and they were just amazing, very standout stand-ups. Just like on this show, once in a while, there's at least once or twice or maybe three, four times a show, there's just a comedian who we see for the first time that really makes us laugh for a minute, and it's always impressive. So to see that down there, and we let them know who they were. And what else was cool was that we had a couple people

do stand-up for the very first time down there, just fans of the show that have always wanted to do stand-up and decided that if they were going to try it out, best to start with one minute on a show where they can get feedback quickly before doing it again. And that was a lot of fun. Yeah, and then we had a bunch of sold-out comedy shows. That was awesome.

We sold out La Jolla. Thank you. Only 200 people per show. No big deal. There was one night we had a group of 80 old people. They all came in a big bus. It was a party of 80.

They loved squirting jokes, though, I tell you what. I had a cougar come, an older lady, I'm sorry, came out after the show and she was really mad at me. She's like, how do you know that we don't squirt? Man, she shouldn't say that. Yeah. And I was like, prove

it, lady. Next thing you know, it was Golden Girls Gone Wild all over Red Band's face um so yeah la jolla was fun the podcast was fun the shows were fun and uh it's great to be back um this is episode 41 of kill tony ladies and gentlemen and we're very excited about that and uh if you know anything about the show we've always had a a head of security here to make sure that we're safe, to keep an eye on us, just to make sure anything ever does happen, even though a couple times crazy things have happened. But we are safe again tonight. We've tried different Patriots lately because the original Iron Patriot quit on us.

And we've had a Mexican Patriot. We've tried all differentots lately because the original Iron Patriot quit on us. And we've had a Mexican Patriot. We've tried all different kinds of Patriot. We've had a black Patriot, a female Patriot, all different kinds. Well, tonight we are combining both, our black and our female Patriot. The most powerful black female we know, ladies and gentlemen, it is the Iron Tiffany Haddish. Boom. She is back with us. She was once a guest, and now she has taken the reins as the new most badass patriot we've ever had.

How's it going, Tim? Call me Patriotica. Patriotica, everybody. Put your hands together for Patriotica, guys. This is one bad bitch. She's a part of the cat pack. We are actually going on the road in April to Seattle, Oregon, and Vancouver on 420, and Tiffany's along for the ride.

Tiffany actually was in Texas with us. Yeah. She was there. We came up with the cat pack very quickly because we realized that us three together is a fucking diabolical chemistry. Not even so much. I mean, definitely for the comedy shows because we're all so different.

But more than anything, after the shows when we're, I mean... Pedialyte! Yes! Pedialyte! That's right. We like Pedialyte. Sheialyte! Yes, Pedialyte. That's right. We like Pedialyte. She introduced us to the magic of Pedialyte. It turns out that you can have 20 alcoholic beverages and feel all right the next day. Thanks to our good friends over at Pedialyte.

It's not just for babies. It's for alcoholics too. That's a great slogan. They should start marketing like that. Pedialyte, it's not just for babies. Yes. Yes. It's for grown people that like to drink on the bottle as well.

Hell yeah. We were offering people Pedialyte. We kept it rocking. Always fun. I didn't even want to put the mask on Tiffany because you look so great today. Show us your face, Tiffany. Fuck that. I like it like this.

All right. Keep the mask this it really is it did feel bad to put a mask on such a beautiful face but yeah it's Tiffany Haddish that's my white dad and my white mom there you go

they got me out of foster care there you go you didn't want to weave her in foster care, you know what I mean? It's a weave joke, people. All right. Nothing. Very good. So what do you say we get this thing started? As always, I have two of my funniest friends on

this episode. I'm very excited to have them. Their drinks are arriving right now. That's how... Feel that anticipation build. Ladies and gentlemen, this week's no different. Put your hands together for my guests. It's Matt Bronger and Sarah Tiana. Wow.

Comedy Central. Chelsea Lately. Half hour specials, hour specials. Podcasts. These guys have full blown careers. And they took the time to come to this dungeon and hang out with us. Thank you, Tony.

Hell yeah. What's up? Thanks, Tony. Hi, Matt. Hey, what's happening? Welcome to Kill Tony. Sarah, you've been on a couple times, right? I have.

I have. This is my third time. Wow. I know. That puts you up there with all of the upper echelon guests. Nobody's had four times, so you're tied for... Okay, I'll be back next week. You're tied with six other people for the most used guests.

Six? Yeah. Matt, what's happening, man? Nothing, man. Just glad to be here. I just learned of this podcast's existence. It's got a massive following. When you tweeted about it, all these people were just like,

you know, Death Squad and, you know, Kill Tony and stuff. So now, you know, I feel like the, you know, the strange out-of-touch middle-aged dude. He's like, what is this? It's a radio show. I'm like, no. Do you know what you're talking about? Dad, Jesus.

Yeah. But no, I have a podcast too that's 15 minutes of me just bullshitting. Just you, right? Never a guest? Never. You just vent. Yeah. I try to make it like a Oh. I was just wondering, speaking of

your podcast, I've been trying to find it but I want to know how do I download it on my pager? My wife. ladies and gentlemen. We're both very out of touch. I don't know how to use technologies. No, it's called Ding Donger with Matt Bronger. What do you talk about in 15 minutes?

I try to make it like a set about the week. Oh, that's great. So it's kind of like my concept, I hitchhike into your life for 15 minutes. Like, I catch a ride with you. Like, I jump in your car when you're listening. I jump in your iPod,

whatever, your phone. And then I just, I say at the end, I'm like, this is me. And I get out. And what's it called again? Ding Donger with Matt Bronger. Ding Donger with Matt Bronger.

You heard it here. Tiana, what's it called? Do you have ding dongs that go with that show? I love ding dongs. Yeah, I talk about ding dongs a lot. It's more, it rhymes with my name. and friends of mine call me a ding-dong. Me, a ding-dong is someone who's a smart person but does stupid stuff.

Also a delicious white treat. Really? Well, thanks. Thanks, Iron Lady. Iron Lady? I know that wasn't a compliment, but I'll take it. It was a compliment. I like white treats.

All right. Hell yes. And you have a question for Sarah Tiana? Yes, Sarah Tiana, your podcast. I was listening to it not too long ago, and I heard that you got catfished by a military guy. Do you want me to kick his ass or kill him? Oh, that would be great. Yeah, if you could find him.

Oh, I could do that. I've been looking for him. I'm a black woman. I can find anybody. Patriotica is going to lay the smack on you. He owes lots of child support, so it would be very helpful. He owes you child support? Not me.

No, no, no. He has like seven illegitimate children now. We're up to that many. Well, you should be glad you got catfished then. Yeah. Oh, no, no. Because you could have been a baby mama. That's not cool.

That would not have been good. That's not cool. That's so shitbaggy. That's almost an achievement. It's kind of like, oh, wow. I know. You're a real piece of garbage. After I did the podcast, like, so many other women... I kind of admire it. Yeah, it's true. It's almost like he was going for biggest piece of shit of all time. That takes real effort

in your own negligence. Yeah. You know, to just... Unprotected sex with seven different women each time it took. Right. Crazy. Now, yeah, he likes getting girls pregnant.

It was like his thing. How do you even get seven girls to not take the morning after pill? Like seven different girls. He had military benefits. Yeah.

Oh, that's what it is. Remember he said he was rich. I don't know. How do they not know that he came inside of them? Like, is he so military? No, he tells them he wants to. He's that stealth.

He's so military. He's obviously a Navy SEAL. His semen is camouflage covered. Colored. Yeah. It was the most disgusting event of my life, and it's over. Did you have sex with him? No.

Okay. Then official catfish. Yeah. Well, she's not pregnant, so obviously she didn't have sex with him. No. Okay. Then official catfish. Yeah. Well, she's not pregnant, so obviously she didn't have sex with him. Not yet, Matt Bronger. The night is young. Oh. No.

Hell yeah. That's right, Grandpa Bronger. He's still got it. Still got it. Well, you guys know how it works. We always have comedians sign up for the opportunity to do one minute, and then me and my funny friends talk to them about what they talked about. Maybe

something else they could talk about. We ask them questions, get to know them, and then we do it again. And tonight will be no different. Comedians, you know that you did your minute when you hear the sound of a kitty. Aww, how cute. That means your time's up. Now don't go

much longer than that or else you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. The bear had the guitar? Yeah. Amazing. Every week, the bear gets a little bit more aggressive, and we just let him do what he wants to do. This time in a rock and roll fashion. On Saturday, it actually ended with an elephant.

Started with a bear and ended with an elephant. Wow. We should mention that all the songs that you guys are going up to today, on the way home from San Diego, we decided to listen to a song

called Ohio. And then we realized how many songs have the word Ohio in the title. There is, I think we listened to maybe... It was the entire drive back from San Diego. So at least two hours worth of Ohio songs. And then we had about another 50 songs left to

play. So tonight there's a bunch of different Ohio songs that we're playing. Cool. Brian and I are both from Ohio so we're a little bit biased towards the best state in the country. Anyway. So let's get it started. I mean, of course I'm talking about Georgia.

You got Georgia on my mind. Yeah. Georgia. Sweet little Georgia. Sweet little Georgia. Midnight train to Georgia. The devil went down to Georgia. Midnight train to Georgia.

Devil went down to Georgia. ATI has a variety of songs about him being the king of Georgia. I wonder what state has the most songs. I bet California. I think it's Oregon. So many Oregon songs. Wyoming. Sweet Oregon.

Sex in Oregon. 3 AM Train to Oregon. Nobody Wants to Go to Oregon. Hot Bonin' on the Wagon Trail in Oregon. I Left My Fl go to Oregon. Hot boning on the wagon trail in Oregon. I left my flannel in Oregon. Because I'm high. Okay, so let's get it started, everybody. Your first comedian tonight will be...

Are you guys ready for this or what? Yeah! Yay! Fuck yeah. Oh, we've had him on before. Little Asian buddy. It's Kenny Lyon, everybody. Here he is.

Oh, shit. Kenny Lyon didn't show up for his spot, and you guys know what that means. That means that he is now blacklisted. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. America! Was that karate? That was fucking awesome, whatever that was. That was great.

That was you getting on the, that was him being put on the blacklist. I fucking love you so much. I love you too. Oh my God. Okay, so Kenny Lyon is blacklisted not only from the show for life, but also from the comedy store for three months. So it sucks to be Kenny Lyon.

Yeah, it's a tough business, people. Put your hands together for Sean Hart. Oh my God. You know what that means? Black to blacklisted. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. America. Two in a row.

Can we go for three? Why am I rooting for people to get blacklisted right now? Is the whole show just blacklisted? We've never had it before. That doesn't sound fun. Black to blacklisting. Those people can room together. Wow.

That's great. Yeah, they can flap or you who room together because they're not performing here. Put your hands together for Bo Scott. Bo Scott. Here he is. He's here. San Diego boy. San Diego, great guy.

Bo Scott, everybody. Hey, guys. I'm Bo Scott. I'm from Georgia. True story. She can vouch for me. I moved out here to get my weed card, which I got today. Yeah.

Which is totally awesome. Because now I can do this. Yeah! I call that practicing. Because I'm pretty sure if I do that all day, every day for the rest of my life, I'll never be good at it. This is how I practice vigorously. Vigorously.

Yeah! Thank you. There you go. 58 seconds of Bo Scott. 30 seconds of that doing an act out, which I have no idea what it was. I've never seen someone give up on comedy on stage. Sarah asked when the cat was going to play 25 seconds into that. Maybe it was just me.

What was that thing you were doing? It was called practicing. I heard that part, but what were you practicing? I was practicing how to do that good. It's impossible. All right, I think I took some acid before the show. I need to. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Do you guys have any idea what you're talking about? I think you're basically saying, like, since you got your weed card, you're high. like since you got your weed card, you're high, and you figured out this weird thing you can do that you'll never get down all the way. You'll never, like, master it. So you're just going to keep practicing? That's comedy. That's what he was talking about, comedy.

It's something he's never going to get down or get good at. He keeps doing that shit. Well, that's not nice. The iron justice alright so Bo I understand what you're saying when you're saying that well I don't understand what you're

saying when you're saying that you're practicing but what's what physically are you practicing like what are you motioning out what is this are you humping something is it like is it a bong rip he's practicing putting his cell phone in What are you motioning out? What is this? What's supposed to be in your hamstring? Are you humping something? Is it like... Is it a bong rip?

He's practicing putting a cell phone in his ass like they do in jail. They call it hooping. Okay. Interesting. It's good you're here. I didn't recognize that's what that was. I never would have guessed. You're welcome.

How the hell would you fit a... Never heard of hooping. What kind of phone fits in your butt? All phones. Really? They put them inside of the... Good answer. All phones can fit in your butt.

Good answer. People in prison have phones? Yes. They call me from jail all the time asking me to do patriotic things. Oh, okay. Yes. So, practicing. Very confused still.

No, what we were doing right there was making comedy, so we didn't have to talk about what you just did. We were trying to change the subject, though. Okay, that's fine. I'm confused. What are you practicing when you say that you're practicing? I think everyone's looking too deep into it. No, no, no, we're not.

We're just asking the obvious question. It's the joke that you got a license and when you get your license you get stoned and that's what you do when you get stoned.

I guess it was for you guys to interpret as you guys want. So it's performance art. It clearly missed the mark and probably will never be done again.

That's good. There you go. That's why I'm here to do shit like that and get reactions and figure out what works and what doesn't. Absolutely. That's why I'm asking you what you were trying to do.

Here's honestly what I was trying to do. I do really long really long sets, and I've always been too afraid to do that because of how retarded it obviously was. So here, when you get one minute, I can just do that, and then I'm out, and I don't have to come back with anything else. You know? Yeah. So obviously that doesn't work, so it's like... Well, it could work.

I think what you need to do is instead of doing... Or this, just like maybe practice out being high different. You know what I mean? do is instead of doing this, just maybe practice out being high different. You know what I mean? No, because it looks like you're fucking something. There's a lot of hunched over. No one smokes weed and just does this.

Who does that? I've never gotten that high. I do that. No, I know. Maybe he should practice getting arrested so he can actually hoop a cell phone when he's in jail. Right, it's true. It all just gets back to hooping at the end of the day.

What was funny was... What was supposed to be funny is just how ridiculous that was, and it was, like, way over everyone's head. I just had fun doing it. I think that's ridiculous. I wouldn't say it was over anybody's head. I would say it was under everybody's senses. It looked like you were trying to show us like you were doing something.

So instead of making it look like you're just high, you should have been spinning. You should have made like butterflies and things. Instead of just doing better. Yeah, it was eerily specific. Like I couldn't tell if you were fucking a bong or what. That's what I was guessing, actually. From what you were doing, it seemed like you were fucking a bong. And I'm like, okay.

It was meant to be the most random thing I could think of to do. Copy that. Gotcha. It was pretty random. I could see why you were afraid to do that during your longer set. I'd be afraid to do that bit, too. But good for you for getting up here and trying it. Yeah, definitely.

Bo, thank you so much. Good job, Bo. Oh, shit. Bo just thank you so much. Good job. Bo. Oh, shit. Bo just left Patriotica hanging. Bo underscore Scott. Boom. Just got the double bird. Bo underscore Scott on Twitter.

For you podcast listeners that were wondering what the fuck you just heard. Bo, B-O. It looked like he was fucking an imaginary bong there. It looked like he was hitchhiking on one hand. On the other hand, he was just, I don't know, slapping an ass or something. He was putting his finger in his ass from this side. That's what it looked like. Oh.

Oh, okay. That's why I said he was hooping. Trying to get the cell phone out. Something I always ask my guests is, and I may have asked you this before, Sarah, so either you answered it or I didn't, but I always ask what was a bit that maybe you had when you very, very first started that you can't believe you did or that you're sort of embarrassed that you ever did on a stage? Like maybe it was your first set, first month, whatever.

Oh, yeah, that's easy. I had, I had, I have so many dumb jokes. Uh, I had, I had long hair and a, and a, and a, a beard when I started. Um, and, uh, uh, and I was heavier and, uh, it was like, I know what you're thinking. Yeah. Jesus really let himself go. It's not my fault. I eat one loaf of bread. thinking, yeah, Jesus really let himself go. It's not my fault. I eat one loaf of bread, it becomes five. The stupidest fat Jesus joke.

But it's so typical road hack, you know? I know what you're thinking. Shut up. I had a joke about the Mason-Dixon line, and I used to draw it on myself. What? On my stomach. Because my dad, I still tell the joke, but now I don't draw it on. on my stomach because i because my dad i still tell the joke but now i don't draw it

on what okay so the joke was that um i always wanted to tattoo when i was growing up my dad would never let me get a tattoo uh but he said the only tattoo i could have was a mason dixon line tattooed right above my navel and i used to lift up my shirt and i would have it drawn on wow and uh i know i can't believe you would do that my dad always said you can have the mason shirt and I would have it drawn on. Wow. I know. I can't believe you would do that. My dad always said, you can have the Mason-Dixon line and if any boy's from the north trying to invade the south, there's going to be a war. But I used to draw it on. Now I don't have to

draw it on because Bobby Lee yelled at me and told me I couldn't. And that was literally the first floor. Only he's allowed to lift up his shirt and show his belly every Saturday. And his junk. he probably did that uh he probably uh all right forget it um that's hilarious that you would draw like a prop on your stomach i cannot believe how that's amazing wow i just can't picture you because you're so intellectual. And that's like the opposite of that. Hey, look what I drew on my stomach earlier.

You remember that guy that used to piss himself every set? It wasn't real, but he had a water bottle in his pocket. He'd tell a joke that we'd just eat it, and he'd go, oh. And he'd just, what? That's actually hilarious. And then he could do no wrong. He could do any joke he wanted after that because he basically peed himself in front of everybody. I never heard of that before.

But you know, in that show that we all did together at Set List, the three of us went to Traverse City together, me, Matt, and Sarah. And Dave Foley pulled out his dick in Set List. Dave Foley in Kitchen Hall, yeah. To an all-out applause break.

I mean, the place went absolutely insane. Soft, medium, hard. And then Sinbad went up after him, who's unbelievable, by the way. I had no idea that Sinbad... I mean, I should have known that Sinbad is effortlessly, completely hilarious. All the time.

I mean, it's actually unbelievable. So it was Dave Foley who pulled his dick out on setlist, and then Sinbad went up after him crushing, destroying, and then I had to follow that. And Sinbad was already at like 5,000 miles an hour because he was following Dave Foley's dick.

So I'm following Sinbad who's bringing it at 1,000 miles an hour. But anyway, I made a call back to Dave Foley pulling out his dick and I had a pear fall out of my underwear out of my pants

during that and I've never done anything like that and it felt bad the whole time. Even though it got a big laugh but I felt guilty the whole time for having a prop. It was very awkward walking onto the stage smoothly while just there's a pear up against my penis.

I've gone on stage with grapefruits in my bra before. Really? And then I passed them out and told people they had to eat it right then, and they did. Oh, wow. I would have ate that. You know what I did last time?

I don't know if we've ever talked about it. The iron queef over here has this thing where she always queefs on the microphone. I don't always do it. I only do it upon request. Do you want to hear the iron queef? What? Oh, you don't know about this? No. Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you...

Hey! Congratulations, everyone. We won. Oh, we won tonight, guys. All of us. We can do it again. Happy Monday. Kill Tony 41.

We don't know. And so she did this on Thunder Pussy, which is another podcast on Death Squad. She did like seven or eight of them. And I ran on stage, grabbed the microphone, and smelled it as a joke, not knowing it would actually smell like queefs. And it did.

What do queefs smell like? It smelled like everybody's breath. My microphone was not actually on my vagina. And my queefs don't smell. You want me to come here and I'll queef in your face? Oh, okay. there we go. Oh, shit.

Get in there, Brian. I think she just shit her pants. Do it one more time. What happened, Brian? Smells like chicken. Smells great. Smells like chicken. Oh, my God. Did it happen, Brian? Smells like chicken. Smells great. Smells like chicken. Oh, my God.

Did it happen, Brian? I'm getting nervous. I want to go home. His dick is hard. No, it didn't smell. But no, when I did grab the microphone, it just had a pussy smell to it. Not a bad pussy smell. Kind of like where if you just put your face in a pussy, that's what it would smell like.

Okie dokie. I get it. I get it. I guess that's one of those you had to be there. I never put the microphone on my pussy, though. It was quite a distance away. I have a vibrato.

My pussy has vibrato. Oh, my God. It knows how to amplify. I felt a warm breeze when she said that. Of course. I want to go home. Aw, Sarah. Sarah, I can want to go home. Aw, Sarah. Sarah, I can teach you how to do it, too. Oh, thanks.

Aw, Sarah could queef. Oh, yeah. That's what we need. No, I know. Yeah, it's okay. It's the equivalent of me drawing a line across my belly. It's the equivalent. There you go.

That's definitely the first time a patriot's ever queefed on a show. So this is going to be tough to follow, but put your hands together for Scott Kidd, everybody. Here he is. Scott! Woo! So I was wondering the other day, who would make a better lover? Helen Keller or Mother Teresa now Mother Teresa she's a mother

she could be a mother to all children let alone your own and you know that even if you got AIDS or some crazy disease or lost your leg in the war she'd stay by your side Mother Teresa's a saint she helps so many people I mean, she's an inspiration. But man, Helen Keller's got that

retarded pussy, y'all. What am I saying? Plus, you know she'll never talk back. Thank you. Alright, alright. Some people might say it's too soon for Helen Keller jokes and then some people might say it's too soon for Mother Teresa jokes

but I say I don't know that's an interesting one that's a long build up for a retarded pussy I love it and I think when you come in with a retarded pussy. I love it. And I think when you come in with a retarded pussy, you gotta commit. You know, you kind of stutter a little bit where it's like, one of my favorite things

it's funny to me is when a comedian goes filthy, but they don't go confident at the same time. It's like, so I was grabbing her tits. Hey, come on. Tell the story. I was like, you suck my dick.

Okay. You know? So you kind of stutter. You're already laughing at it, you know? Should have just yelled, retarded pussy, and just dropped the mic and just walk out. You know, like, that's who I am. And then you sell your retarded pussy t-shirts right there. It's true.

You really hunched over hard after you hit the retarded pussy line. It was a hurdle. It was a hurdle, huh? I think you could find some negative things about Mother Teresa. That could be funny. She did a lot of horrible things. She kept her whole people she was taking care of, she would keep them in poverty for the attention.

There's a whole article about it that I just read that blows it all to bits, like the whole she's a saint thing. Right. Well, she deserved to die the same day as Princess Diana then. She's like that. They planned it. Less attention. They made a pact when they were in the same sorority.

I only felt like, was Helen Keller retarded? She just was blind and deaf. No, she wasn't. She was actually very smart. I know. She was a public speaker, in fact. She was a public speaker? Yeah, ironically.

Right. So she could also talk back. Yeah. Okay. Which leaves nothing that you said. I just lost my whole case. Yeah, back. Yeah. Okay. Which leaves nothing that you said. I just lost my whole case. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Mother Teresa didn't wash every day. Oh, there you go. All right, all right. There you go. Put that in the con file. That's a con. That's not a pro. That's a con.

That's a con,'s not a pro that's a con that's a con not a pro yes good job such a strange choice of strange dichotomy that's like

is that the only two options who's the girl in the attic Sigourney Weaver who's the girl in the attic the Jewish girl

in the attic Anne Frank yeah I always get them confused me too yeah I was thinking

Anne Frank the whole time I know it's easy to get them confused they Me too. Yeah. I was thinking Anne Frank the whole time. I know. It's easy to get them confused. They're both two brunettes who didn't talk for a lot of their lives. One had to stay quiet and the other didn't learn how to talk until she was in her 30s. I think it's such a funny premise of like, you know, just saying like, oh, I don't know which one would be make a better lover

like you said lover right you didn't say wife so like and then you talked about mother teresa as if she were a wife she would stay by yourself like a lover would you know so i think if you're going to really use that then like you should really truly weigh the pros and cons and then it'll get funnier the longer you stay in the list. Like you're really weighing this out as if it's that important. To me, that's kind of funny, just like the longer you talk about it. And even if you don't, not to harp on retarded pussy, I like the phrase. But even when you say that, just commit to the sincerity of the moment

instead of going like, what? Just be like, but Helen Keller did have that retarded pussy, which is great. And, like, great. You know, like, have it, and get even crazier with your descriptors, you know, for the various pros and cons. And then you can say, like, I mean, maybe it wasn't retarded.

Right, yeah. It was just, like, not as smart as the rest of the pussy I normally get. Very quiet vagina. Yeah. Very quiet vagina. And it couldn't see what was coming at it. You know, like, maybe, you know,

one of the perks of hooking up with Helen Keller is that, you know, you can prematurely ejaculate and just slide something else in there and she would never

know the difference. But a con, she's going to write about it. You know what I mean? Right. Like this great sexcapade with you,

she would write about it. You could fuck Anne Frank without her knowing. Yeah. If you get herpes, she just thinks it's a message of love. Okay, okay. There you go.

There you go. I heard Anne Frank was closeted. Was what? Closeted. She was an addict. She was an addict. She was an addict. That's what it was. She was a drug addict. Anyway. She was killed by the Nazis.

What else is going on that we can make fun of that's horrible? I did not see that one coming. Trivia fact. It's a history minor. Well, I guess her pussy wouldn't be as good because she was pretty much cremated, so you can't really do anything with it right now. Well, you could go there, too. I thought we were scraping the bottom of the barrel, but you got

another inch of soil there. Maybe he could do something on what they sound like when they have orgasms. Like when Mother Teresa comes, she calls out for the Lord. When Kelly comes, she goes, I don't know.

I thought the retarded word was a little too offensive, but now it's probably going over the edge, too. Yeah. There you go. It's far over. But it's a great concept. You should still work on it. I wouldn't throw it out.

Heck yeah. There you go. Scott Kidd, everybody, at Devo Kidd. D-E-V-O-K-I-D-D. Scott Kidd. He's been on the show a few times. Always fun. Devo Kidd. Cool. Is that the show a few times. Always fun. Devo Kidd.

Cool. Is that the name of a band? Devo? Can I order another one of these delicious beverages? I'll have a gobble gobble. Tony, can you tell them why I'm here? What I'm here for? Because it's not for money.

It's true. No, it is true. I really had to... I'm not going to wear this just because. It is true. You know, I really had to wear this just because. You know, ever since the Iron Patriot left the show because his quote, he got too big for it. I've had to book a new Patriot each week, and sometimes it gets a little stressful.

And it was getting late today, and I'm like, God, jeez, how do I do it? And then I saw your name in my contacts, and I'm like, there's no way Tiffany's going to even be available. But I promised her. She goes, will I get paid for it? I go, no. But you'll get at least 50 new Twitter followers. And she goes, that's not good enough for me. I need 100 Twitter followers. So everybody that's listening right now, even if you're not on Twitter, please

go build an account and follow Tiffany Haddish. For those of you that are on Twitter, you should absolutely already be following Tiffany Haddish. Every single person in this room should be following Tiffany Haddish. I tweet sexy pictures twice a week. Yes. And she's absolutely hilarious.

She's great. And it's a great way to get more funny tour pics of us all together when we're on the road together because uh man that's still my favorite vine there's a vine that we made out there of us fucking partying one of the nights because we did the road in texas together three cities three different nights and there's one where i'm just fucking like we're listening to rap music and Tiffany's ironing out her weave even though the iron's not really on. We're making a video

and the camera pans out and I'm just dancing like a gangster with this big bottle of Pedialyte just dancing and drinking it. Like a real music video. It really does look like a real music video because it's with the beat and everything. It's so funny.

She brings out the fucking monster in us too. I can't wait to go back on the road. Man, I can't wait till we get to Canada, man. I'm fucking a French-Canadian. Ah. Shit. Patriotica style. Ooh la la, va-t'es la cuiffe. Alright, let's keep it moving. Your next comedian. That's right. So 100

new Twitter followers for Tiffany Haddish. So please, please, please follow her. Every single person. She's one of the funniest people I know. Put your hands together for your next comic. It's Hilary Adams, everybody. Woo! Oh man, just when I thought a yoga studio was the only socially acceptable place to queef, thank you. Oh, man. Just when I thought a yoga studio was the only socially acceptable place to queef,

thank you. Thank you for teaching me and all the other ladies something tonight. You're welcome. Right, man? No, I'm just kidding. Oh, man. I really, I wonder what's going on in your head, Brian, with that little dude over there.

Do you need a therapist suggestion? I have a couple of good ones that might be able to help you. There's nothing wrong with butts. Which end are you on? I'm not sure of good ones that might be able to help you. Which end are you on? I'm not sure. Anyway, I'm going to start my stuff. Sorry. As a young woman, I'm forced to look at myself in the mirror and think, if only

I would take my clothes off and swing around a pole, I'd have 400 extra dollars tonight. But, I don't know. I've been to a strip club and those girls work way too hard for a dollar. You put one dollar down, you get titties in your face, another dollar, cooch, I don't know I've been to a strip club and those girls work way too hard for a dollar you put one dollar down you get titties in your face another dollar cooch I don't know it just doesn't seem right to me and you know

the other thing you could do I suppose as a lady using her sex for money or whatever you could be a prostitute you know you could do that and I've sucked so many dicks and gotten nothing but a bad memory and just a better definition of a douche bag that I think to myself if I sucked a dick for money, I could go see Book of Mormon.

Like, I could. And that shit's expensive. I want to see that. I want to see it. Okay. That's my time. Okay. You have great shoes.

She's wearing great shoes, you guys. I have them in black. I almost didn't make it down here. Your shoes are awesome. Use the microphone. Fuck yeah. Those are nice shoes. Thank you very much.

Well, yeah, they are nice shoes. It looks like something Tony would wear. Yeah, it's true. We take it down from a nine and make it look like a six, so I'm not a freak, I guess. Okay. There you go. She has big feet.

You spent the first 30 seconds talking to the Patriot and talking about a doll on the table that's in front of Brian, but I'm pretty sure that your next 30 seconds was about how you can have more money by what? Being a stripper or a prostitute. Right. It's true. Yeah. Yeah, correct. It's a bunch of facts.... Or a prostitute. Right. It's true. Yeah. Yeah, correct.

It's a bunch of facts. Just be a cam girl. You can make half as much. You could have the money for Book of Mormon by doing that. Was there a... Okay. I don't know. I feel like it was just a little boring.

Like, I think it was just a little too, like, I think your description of what girls do on the pole, if that was different, then it would be a good dichotomy for, like, what you would be able to do with that money. Just swinging around a pole is such a blasé term. You know what I mean? So I think if you actually said, if I pulled my two huge grapefruits out, you know, and threw them, put them in some stranger's face and said, you know,

Kill that shit. I have, yeah. It's just citrus. You need vitamin C. It's just citrus. You need vitamin C. It comes down to, like, what do you value, like, you as living in that joke. So strippers don't really work hard, but they demean themselves for money. And that's like, so what's, like, how far will you go?

Have you ever been on a pole that is hard to strip? I get it. I'm not saying it's completely easy. They're going to be in the Olympics. Yeah, I used to work at a ladies club, and I would strip. I was the realistic dancer. You know, I was just like, you could probably date this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, David. I'd come out with a lawnmower, you know.

I love it. I'd come out with a lawnmower. I love it. But it goes to when you're like, I guess I could suck dicks for money because I've done that. Kind of like get into your... And the part where Book of Mormon was the part that got the audience

because it's such an absurd concept but everybody can relate because those tickets are like $100 or more. So you're just like, yeah, I'll blow a guy to go see this amazing play. Like, that was really funny. Yeah, I think you just need more examples like that of things that, like, you would be willing to do

that you already do for money that would pay for other things. Right, and what you were saying was the exact scene that started all of those jokes, but I do feel like it's a bunch of topics just, like, smushed together, and there's not a lot of details or act-outs. I don't know.

Yeah. You should also, just in your personal life, write a list down of things that you want to do and what you would do for them and give them to me and Tony. That's not comedy advice. That's just you being a creep. Yeah.

And why you dragged me into that, I have no idea. Nobody wants to be a creep alone. Brian does. Brian has no problem being a creep alone. I can tell you have a good stage presence and that you think of things and that you write them down. How long have you been doing stand-up? A year.

Where are you from? I started in Portland. I'm actually raised in LA. Whoa, hello. Brongerville. Good morning. I grew up there. Should have opened with that.

I spent six months there. I had to leave and move back here. Oh, okay. Hang on. But it's a beautiful place. Yeah. Love it. Comedy seems so awesome.

It's become a lot cooler since I left. Matt Bronger is the co-founder of the Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Congratulations. Would you like to be on it this year? Congratulations. I submitted. There you go, Matt. She submitted.

It's too late now. Next year. Yeah. It was a joke, but it didn't get a laugh, and I made it awkward. Just kidding. He wasn't going to put you on it. I knew you were kidding. I was just going to go with it.

I knew. Not all of them are winners. It's okay. I know. I think there are so many other things. Like, there are so many things that, like, as a woman, that you're just like, oh, I just don't feel like getting my car washed right now. Like, I would literally blow a guy to just not have to go take my car down and get it

cleaned and then have it brought back. Like, there are, like, so many things. Or, like, an example of, like, a guy who you had sex with or blew that, same thing, had sex with or blew. Not necessarily. That you regret it and you're like, well, God, you know, I blew Dennis. Yeah. I fucking could have got tickets to, you know, Book of Mormon out of that or something, you

know, like. Or. Is it like making it more personal inside my story, joke? Or if it's like sometimes like I just wish i had a boyfriend that would kind of do those things for me based on the payments i've already retroactively given him right yeah there you go like like a bitcoins for blowjobs yeah yeah i mean girls like like like literally like don't porn stars have like like, lists on Amazon or something? Yeah, spoil me.

Wish lists? Yeah, wish lists. You know, like, if you had a wish list, what would it be? And I'm sure it wouldn't be, like, sunglasses. It would be, like, oh, my God, just, like, somebody wash my dishes. There should be an app for that, though. You know, like, if you really want something want something, what would you do for sex? Because that would be an awesome thing.

If she really wanted her car washed, she'd be like, all right, you can just finger me. I'll be like, all right, I'll wash your car if I can finger you. No, you would? Yeah. He's just wishing. Oh, I think I just saw the eyes of a transaction. She's still just trying to make a way. You see a Tiana three-second pause.

She's thinking deep. I can lick my fingers. Brian's the guy at a sexual harassment seminar that's like, well, what if my hand accidentally hits your kitty? I just saw Tiana's eyes say to Brian, wait, you'd finger me to wash

my car? I know. I know. I know you would. That's what I was thinking. And I'm thinking she would. He couldn't wash his hands enough. Really? Car wash is like $10.

It's like 10 bucks. That's what I mean, though. But just having to go and wait for it to get done, the whole thing, the whole process. Yeah, but the car wash is going to be a way better job. And obviously, it's not $10. I get a nicer car wash than that. Okay. I think we're talking about details.

$40 once. I'll give you a detailed $41 if I can eat your ass out. Oh, gross. Oh, my God, no. I think that's a win-win for you. Get your car and your ass cleaned. It's so funny because I would do that.

It feels good. Don't knock it until you try it. It's nasty coming from Brian. Because we all know where his mouth is being. In your fucking crotch. Right. We've seen it get queefed into

only in the last seven minutes. Hillary Adams, thank you so much. That's Hillary underscore Adams. Hillary with one L underscore Adams on Twitter. I need to take a little screenshot. Oh, there you go. Brian is in love. This is the thing that happens every time a female is on the show with Brian.

For those of you that have been listening. Yeah, my car wash, it takes a long time and it bothers the hell out of me. You finally get a car you like, you want to keep clean, you go to get it clean, but it's

like a fucking 35 minute dent in your day. That's why you go to a place that has a nice restaurant next door, you go over there and say, hey, I'm going to go eat, I-minute dent in your day. That's why you go to a place that has a nice restaurant next door. You go over there and say, hey, I'm going to go eat. I'll be back in an hour. Burbank. Okay, yeah, I'll just drive 50 minutes to save half hour. Well, I'm sure there's one around here that's close to a restaurant.

You don't have to sit there. No, it is. No, I know, but it's still just annoying. It's like there's fucking 50 people, 50 human beings. I'm not going to name any specific race whatsoever. None of them cheerleaders. Never cheerleaders.

It's never how it looks in the movies. Do you have a dirty ass? Oh! I would like to know if Sarah Tiana has an Amazon wish list. I think female comedians should have an Amazon wish list. Do you have one?

No, I don't. Do you? I'm thinking about starting one. If you start one, I'll start one. I'm going to be requesting hair. Oh, me too. That's a good idea. Hair, makeup, clothing. I got Little Esther one, an Amazon wish list,

when we were doing Broden and Esther, the podcast. And she logged into my computer to build it, and then she left and she forgot. And so then we said on the podcast, like, hey, everyone go to Esther's Amazon wish list. But when she was gone, I just sat there and started adding, like, anal beads, anal lube, all this ridiculous stuff. And people would just start sending her,

because she didn't know it was on there. So she got a bunch of stuff, guys. I don't think anybody would buy me anything. Yeah, they will. You'll be surprised. Oh, absolutely. And you have a very loyal following from that whole fucking crazy... People just send me catfish.

Whatever you request. I don't request tampon stuff. I'm tired of spending money on maxi pads, stuff like that, panties, things tampons stuff I'm tired of spending money on like maxi pads stuff like that panties things like I'm tired of spending money on Victoria's Secret bras maybe

that would be nice okay yeah panties is for sure I get sick of buying underwear me too let somebody else buy you

yeah Bronner if you were gonna have a wish list what are some things that might be on it uh if I say something

as boring as books. You know, half a cord of wood would be a good axe. Break head. Chainsaw. I don't have a chainsaw. Leaf blower, man. Are these murder weapons?

You need a carpet cleaner. Oh my god, yeah. I would probably just ask for dog food. That gets expensive. Oh, that'd be a good one. Some deworming. Deworming. Coming up to a song by Cameron called The King of Ohio.

Cameron. Put your hands together for Jay Light. Malcolm X, tell the white bitch, yo, I want my toast. If you know what I know, you should lie low. Kill the fire. I used to... That was abrupt. Guys, I'm a bad friend. I let a friend of mine drive home drunk. Well, drunk means a bad friend.

When I was drunk, I let a friend of mine drive home drunk. And I was in college. The next morning, I got an email from the school. It said, student found dead oh shit i read the email it was some other kid some other kid that's when i realized i'm a bad person because the first thing out of my mouth that morning was thank god the dead kid's not my friend oh that would have been sad oh man they wanted to memorialize him so they dedicated a bench in his honor like put his name on it

which, why have your name in lights when you can just have it on a homeless person's bed seems appropriate they wanted to remember him how he was in life wooden and covered in bird shit pretty great that's good, vote for me okay

that is interesting that they make people weird things when they die. That's what really stood out to me in that whole thing is, like, nothing worse than dying and being memorialized by something as stupid as a bench. A bench. So people sit on you and fart on you. Yeah, I think there just needs to be more examples of, like, what happens,

what we really do with benches or other. Or other, I don't know. Or you could even change it from a bench to something else that you could use for jokes better. You know, maybe like a fountain or something. If you can think of more jokes

with a fountain, then make it a fountain. I'm sure, or you could, I mean, but even with a bench, you could still say, like, I'm sure this kid always wanted to be remembered as the place two old people

sat and had lunch. Like something people... Like some pigeons or something. A homeless guy's personal toilet. You know a homeless guy's peeing on that bench. Yeah. Frat brothers. Yeah, frat brothers.

Was it at the college? It was at college, yeah. What college? Elon University. Oh, Elon. Nice. Fancy, huh? Thank you.

Look at you. Smart guy. Would you ever go on a date with Sarah? I would. You would? She likes him. I do like him. I think he's funny.

I think you would be good with Sarah. Maybe after the show, you guys have a little drink out front. I think he's a little young for me. I also have a girlfriend I'm already taking. Oh, okay. See? He's a smart guy. Well, we'll just think of what could have been. We'll make a bench out of it.

Memorialize it. Yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been serious about it for about three and a half years. Yeah, you can tell that you're... I didn't think that the joke was so funny, but I thought that your presence up there was like, it made me want

to watch you and it made me more willing to laugh just because I felt like you were so comfortable that it made me comfortable. It's easier to laugh when you're not uncomfortable, like, oh my god, this person hates being up here and they're terrified you know

yeah you went right at it yeah yeah you just went right into it it was obvious you were telling jokes you know that's good yeah that's great there's also something uh you know more funny in the fact that uh the fact that if you let a friend drive home drunk um you wake up the next morning like sort morning with that feeling like if you fell asleep during the big football game and you don't know what the outcome was there's that weird moment of well my thought was when he said

a dead kid on campus which that would be hilarious if that's how they actually sent the email found a dead kid the dean really couldn't care less about this person my first thought was did this kid get hit by your friend Jesus. The dean really couldn't care less about this person. Yes. My first thought was, did this kid get hit by your friend?

Or was this – so you could go through those things where you're like, did he crash? Oh, my God. Did he kill someone? Did I let him go kill someone? Oh, no, no. I don't know. It's some other dead kid. Sweet.

You know what I mean? Like, oh, my God. Yeah. So, like, you can – it's such a great concept I know a lot of you are wondering How he died but I didn't even get that far I just said the name I saw it was a different name

Not my problem Delete None of my business What's for brunch I have a chem test And maybe there's also None of my business. What's for brunch? I have a chem test. Yeah. And maybe there's also something in that your buddy

that drove home drunk that night gets to sit on that guy's bench and just like, oh, unlucky motherfucker. But I did decide, you know, after all of this that I shouldn't let my friend continue to do this.

So I sat him down and had to talk to him. Just happened to be on the bench of the dead. Right. Yeah, definitely bring it back and play with it and swing all that stuff in there.

And you can always, like, reference that bench and other bits down the line. What are other things, though, that they do instead of benches? Oh, they give you, like, a stone that you walk on. Yeah, like an immemorium

where the death happened. Like a bunch of flowers and a picture of the person. We had a couple trees on campus that were also dedicated to people. Oh, trees. Like saplings. That's just lazy. Yeah. Hey, this tree.

Yeah, this tree. This one. That's the circle of life. Yeah. Did it say that the friend killed Was killed by a drunk driver Or did they miss that part He died of respiratory problems

He just had like an asthma attack His parents were smokers Right Second hand smoke Was he an athlete I don't remember Might have been I don't know

You didn't read that far. He didn't read that far. I probably didn't get that far. I was just thinking maybe there would be... You guys notice he has black people lips? I've been told that before. Oh, shit. Thank you. I smell a new joke being written.

Wow, he does. He does. Jay Light, one could say, is also a black name. I've heard that too. Jay Light. Are you hiding that you're really a black man? Jay Dart. As far as I know, I'm not.

I don't think so. You sure? Maybe I'm like a scratch-off black man. We'll find out. A scratch-off. I like that. Sounds like fun. That's awesome.

Fuck yeah, Jay. You have a black guy lip joke. And you should say that. That's pretty funny. I have been told, someone did tell me that I have dick-sucking lips before. Dick-sucking? I don't know.

Was that your dad? I have a joke for you. Come on, Dad. I have a joke for you. A lot of people tell me I have lips like a black guy, but I don't think I do, because these lips eat pussy. That's a good one.

But then he's saying that black men are gay, and if there's black men in the audience, they may have some words for you later. No, no, no, black guys don't eat pussy. Black guys do eat pussy. When? No, they do not. They eat your pussy, Tiffany,

because your pussy tells them to. Jay Light, everybody. There he goes. He's at DietJay on Twitter. See, that's one you could do. That's one for... I'm going to use that. There you go.

Now I only owe you 90 Twitter followers. Okay, let's get this fun train moving along. Jay's a funny guy. Yeah. Put your hands together for... This doesn't sound like a real name at all. I just skipped that one. Put a different one in.

What if it's somebody's stage name? I don't give a shit. All right. So if you signed up with a weird name... I'm done with those people. No, it's not Mugzilla, you fucking weirdo. We know you. Put your hands together for Trey Stewart, everyone.

Oh, boy. Oh! You know what that means. He just got blacklisted. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! America! That is awesome. Are you sure we just shouldn't say it just to see what happens?

I don't give a shit. I don't even care. All right, fine. Do it. Put your hands together for Hugh G. Dick. All right. Blacklisted. Dick.

This is amazing. Ziggy. Blacklist Ziggy. Most blacklisted ever, actually. You know that? Put your hands together for Brett Banta. Here he comes.

Hi, my name is Brad Bansa. When I was young, my mom would say, you want the belt or the bat? And I'd say, how about breakfast? I had four stepdads growing up. It's always weird when you have four stepdads. It's always weird when you meet your four stepdad. He'll be like, hi, I'm Greg. I'm going to be banging your mom.

I'm like, hi, I'm Brett. She's going to be taking half your shit. My mom's really competitive. She reminds me of Kobe Bryant. He's got five rings. She's got five rings. I discovered my dad's porn collection. I was shocked, but I'm really proud of him.

He does like black people. You know those guys that are skinny like me that wear the tap-out shirts, the no-fear gear? Like you're just asking for trouble wearing those shirts. You really gotta fill one out if you wear one. They only come in one size. Asshole. I was wearing one at the gym the other day.

I got into it. It was a speed hit. Thank you very much. Wow. Great job. Great banter. That was awesome. Yeah, that was awesome, man.

And that was totally different stuff than you did. Was it last week? Two weeks ago. Two weeks ago? Yeah, two weeks ago. Brett Banta. So funny. I would say, so funny, I just don't think that you have to say Kobe has five rings,

my mom has five rings. Because you already talked about four stepdads. So I don't think, I think usually my mom's a lot like Kobe Bryant. Like you can do that joke and like she has five rings because you already talked about four stepdads so i don't think i think usually like my mom's a lot like kobe bryant like you can do that joke and like she has five rings too okay you know as opposed to saying like because you're you're you're almost stepping on your own joke right okay my mom's competitive like kobe bryant and they both have five rings something like that right yeah okay um they're both competitive and they both have five rings. God, that is so awesome. You did great,

man. That was really good. thank you. Yeah. Wait, what was the last one though? He does like black people jokes. That was fantastic.

Yeah. I'm proud of my dad. Such a great joke. Totally. I like how about breakfast. That was my favorite. Oh, thank you.

Do you want the belt or the bat? I think you just need to enunciate that and it could have been this microphone because it's kind of, it's kind of, it's hard to hear, but could be where I'm sitting. But yeah, just make sure.

And the setup on the ring joke was a little too long. All you have to say is, I have four stepdads. Like, right, right. You say that, it's just like, what? Like, that's such a grabber, you know? Would it be funny if he said, my dad does love black guys?

Yeah, I thought of that. Like, I can't. I didn't know. I think just, I think keep it vague. I think people are fine. Yeah. I mean, I couldn't know. I didn't know if he had a fetish for, you know, black women or black men or black men

with white women. Like, who knows? Right. I like that it's just he does like black people. So your imagination just, you know, runs wild. And normally I don't. Normally I let the bear do his duties, but I am a little bit curious. How does that, uh, how does that next thing end that you were talking about? Oh, the tap out shirts. Yeah. I kind of ran it long, but I tried to say it real quick. Yeah. Yeah. I'd say, uh, you know, those guys that are skinny

like me that wear the tap out shirts with the no fear gear. Like you're just asking for trouble wearing those shirts. You really got to fill one out. Like you're just asking for trouble wearing those shirts. You really got to fill one out if you're going to wear one. They only come in one size. Asshole. I was wearing one at the gym the other day. I got into it with this meathead. I got slapped around a little bit. But fuck her.

That's good. Great. You are a monster Yeah Will you smile for me Real quick I'm trying There you go

A little smile I haven't been able To smile ever since I got sober So it's been three years I practice smiling In the mirror sometimes Congratulations man

That's huge Three years So funny Yeah Totally But I'm not religious So I still love alcohol I just

can't do it. Start smoking weed. I got a weed card. It helps me sleep. Today I'm not totally sober, but weed does help me kind of sleep for seven hours. No, that's awesome. Whatever gets you through the day. Weed is not a drug. It is a spice.

And it spices up life. It's a spice of life. Now, just out of curiosity again, how long have you been doing stand-up? Almost two years. Right. Great. But is that like off and on?

Yeah, I mean, I was thinking about last time. I was like, oh, I'm getting up four nights a week, but I'll go. It just depends. I'll try and get up three to four times a week, but there were a couple months where I wasn't able to go to Mike. I'd say like a year and a half of real

trying to get up to open mics. Good on you, man. Don't stop, man. You are a monster. You definitely have a natural knack for it. You absolutely killed tonight. That's Brett Bant, everybody. Brett J. Bant on Twitter. Brett J. Banta on Twitter.

Thank you, buddy. Brett J. Banta on Twitter with one T. Brett J. Banta. Can I just give a shout out to Jeff Yaw in Ohio? If you're listening, he's a huge fan of Kill Tony. Jeff Yaw. There you go. You get to do whatever you want, Brett.

You rock. You are the man. That's Brett J. Banta with one T in Brett. B-R-E-T-J. Banta. B-A-N-T-A. That was so great. I love when somebody comes up here and just owns it like that. Yeah, totally.

He's gonna be famous. I know, right? Two years? Are you kidding me? Yeah, because I'm gonna get pregnant by him. He just needs to start smiling more. I'll make him smile. I think it's fine that he doesn't. I think it plays right into his dry one-liner style either way. This way when he does smile it's fine that he doesn't. I think it plays right into his dry one-liner style.

Either way. This way when he does smile, it's like, you know, fucking. Surprise. Yeah. Okay. And, oh, boy. This is always interesting. Let's bring up a regular who has been on the show a few times.

She is always funny. I do believe this is her fourth appearance. Fourth, yep. And you know her, perhaps you know her from some of her work in the porn industry. She's here for you tonight. Always funny. It's Missy Martinez, everybody. Here she is.

So I'm really close with my mom, and I made the mistake of telling her that I do porn, and this has made my life a living hell, because she saw the movie Taken, and now she thinks I'm being sex trafficked, and I have to explain to her, Mom, the closest I've ever come to sex trafficking is giving a blowjob on the 405. But I think the worst thing about it is

she thinks it's okay for her to discuss her and my dad's sex life with me now i had to sit through 10 minutes of her explaining why she won't fellatiate my dad which coincidentally is the name of a movie i've been in she sat me down for 10 minutes and she said oh i won't do it honey because he pees from there that is, because he pees from there. That is her reason. He pees from there. And that's also another movie I was in. And then she started asking me practical things,

like, well, what are you going to do when you retire? I'm like, well, I have the retirement plan that every porn girl has. I'm going to blackmail a congressman. Damn, 58 seconds. Wow. That's also the name of a movie. I starred in that movie. By the way, that's definitely a joke

where when you're doing longer sets, because you're not doing, I don't think you're doing much stand-up anywhere else. Just here, I'm exclusive here. I love it. That's right, you can only find Missy Martinez on Kill Tony. You've killed every single time you've been on, first of all. I've got to get that out there.

Second of all, what I notice about that thing, that's also the name of a movie that I was in, is in a longer set that you'll be doing a couple years from now or something, 15, 10, 20 minutes, you do that joke a few minutes in, and then that is just the most magical setup ever for your closing callback goodnight. You know, just when they least expect it, eight minutes later you say something, and oh, and by the way, that's also a,

and then you almost don't even need to finish it. That's when you're just like, and goodnight, and the place just goes, oh my God. It's just such a perfect opportunity for a callback. So much so that normally I would say, hey, make a third one and follow the fundamentals. But it's like, I sort of like it that they're at two. I was contemplating

doing that when I first opened. My mom and I are really close. I was going to say, that's the name of a movie I've been in. But I didn't want to oversaturate it. Right. Yeah, no, you don't want to. I like that title, though. That's hilarious. You definitely want to oversaturate it. Right. Yeah, no, you don't want to overdo it. I like that title, though. That's hilarious. You definitely want to pick and choose where you.

It's one of the hardest things for comedians is projecting who they actually are on stage. And you got to it right away. You talked about how you work in porn, and so now your mom wants to talk to you about sex. It's like genius premise and also real, yeah? Yeah. Oh, God, it's too real. There's no question. It's like genius premise and also real, yeah? Yeah. So like, yeah, like, I mean, it's, there's no question. It's just like, oh, okay, I get it. I see, okay, I see what your perspective is, you know?

So that was just great. Yeah. Yeah, I thought it was funny. I thought you had a lot of confidence up there, which I mean, I guess comes with the territory. It's totally different. Is it not? Is it totally different?

Yeah. I would love to hear you talk about that. Okay. About how like you can have sex with dudes all day or whatever.

Whoever. I don't know your work. Sorry. My self-esteem is kind of low. But doing stand-up is like still like the hardest thing

that you do. I find that to be really fascinating as well. Yeah. I would say the same. You did great this week. I would say the same. You did great this week. I would say that you have to project your voice still. I tried so hard.

Yeah, but listen to how your voice is. Now, Sarah, talk. Talk right now? See how much louder that is? Okay, so use my lesbian voice. You just have to be loud. Wait, are you saying that Sarah has a lesbian voice? No!

Oh, my God, no! No! Well. You sound like my mother. That's not what I meant. You sound like my mother. That's not what I meant. I think some mistakes were made. That's okay. No, literally.

I know you have a cute little voice and stuff like that, but you're not on porn, so you could be a little bit louder. Seriously. That's what I meant. Use my lesbian voice, so when I'm manhandling ladies. It doesn't have to get deeper.

It just has to get louder yeah just a little more presence like you don't want to talk with your mom about sex right like at all

so like let that emotion come out or you're like ah like this thing is happening I hate it you know yeah you're not reciting in your head

like just kind of like hey somebody talked to my mom you're actually trying to project that you're living it on stage so you need just kind of like hey somebody talked to my mom you're actually trying to project that you're living it on stage so you need to kind of like

yell it out not yell it out but just be loud you're being very quiet and I say this every week and every week if you go back you're doing the same

voice and it's just a 10% increase it's nothing 10% or so yeah I didn't really notice that you weren't projecting I thought you were really funny.

Because every time she comes on, I have to come back here and turn it up to max. Okay. I mean, I think everybody has their way. But yeah, I mean, if it's going to get you more laughs, you want to speak up. Just so people can hear you. And you'll feel it out in different rooms when eventually you're doing bigger shows in different places and this and that. Yeah, I think in in a room like this i don't think you really have to like i think that's also like a big thing that i see a lot of comics even when they've been doing

it for you know five six years you'll be in a room that's really loud and then you have a tendency to start talking louder and then it's the exact wrong thing to do. The best thing to do in a crowd that is being so loud and obnoxious is to lower your voice, make the crowd quiet themselves, and listen to you. Because they're fucking not listening anyway. So whether you talk loud or talk low,

who the fuck gives a shit? Do you think there's a difference between that and where you're talking so low where it's just kind of like you're almost putting you to sleep? I didn't think she was lulling us to a sleep i thought she had a lot of energy she just doesn't have a loud voice and i thanks cocaine yeah i mean you think about mary jane mary jane doesn't have a high voice yeah but she does she has this voice where it goes really loud okay okay but she's breathy, you know what I mean? It works both ways. Some comedians can, some comedians

are too loud but they get louder laughs. Literally, they get louder laughs because audiences don't realize that they're that that extra energy helps them. And some comedians are so quiet because they make the audience lean forward and listen

and then they're hanging on every word. Bring them in. That's the art of seduction. Right, so it works both ways. I don't know how much, I don't know how big the variable is, but it must be a lot. He must be really turning it up. It's really, it's probably about, yeah, I would say about 10 to 20%.

You will not have to give me this note, I pinky swear. Well, you should be talking right now then. Huh? You should be doing it right now. Okay, I found it. There we go. There we go. I pinky swear. Well, you should be talking right now then. Huh? Okay, I found it. There we go. There we go. It's adorable. I wanted to ask her a personal question. I always wanted to ask a porno star.

You got it. From Patriotica. Yes. When you be having sex with multiple partners in like one day, does your vagina feel like kind of raw? And then how do you fix that when it be raw like that? Well, what a lot of girls do,

I try to keep to one penis per vagina a day. Because I'm religious. How many vaginas do you have? Oh, no. You take a warm bath with Epsom salt. With Epsom salt? And that makes the swelling go down? Yes, it does.

Because I was with this one dude, and I mean, he beat my coochie close. Yeah. No, no, that happens. That happens. He also has a pH difference. His pH difference is probably a big play in that also. We use a condom.

It ain't nothing to do with pH. I'm just saying he beat that shit up. I don't know what a condom is. You don't use condoms? I don't know what that is. There you go. Take a bath with Epsom salts and blow the bubbles like we know that you know how to do. Make my own jacuzzi.

Your own jacuzzi. Missy Martinez is Missy X Martinez. We couldn't be happier to have her be part of this show. Unbelievable, the humor on you. I can't wait to see her in like 20 weeks. It is great. It's almost like this is, it seems to me if I mean, and I know this is your fourth time on stage doing standup and it's fifth.

Okay. And it's been five, five entirely different minutes. Her thing has always been that she got right into it. Like what you said, it made me really happy to hear you say, because you've reinforced what I've said the last times that she was on, which is just like,

it's amazing. You have a different different you have a great perspective it's different than everybody else and you're owning that and it's I mean I haven't gotten to see her work on porn but I'll tell you right now that it seems like this is a great calling for you so congratulations

I would have her open up for us have her be a part of the cat pack maybe do oh yeah definitely when I get famous I'm gonna just book you on my shit, girl. There you go. She has the best areolas in the business. Go check it out. Heck yeah.

Well, and then we have our two regulars who have always been part of the show. They started with us. They've been built with us throughout the entire time. They've been doing a new minute for 40 weeks in a row. And this is no different. They were just with us in La Jolla. They did an amazing job. Five minute sets each

for multiple shows. And they're with you here now with a brand new minute yet again. Even though they did a new one two nights ago. I sort of feel bad for them. Put your hands together for this first one. It's always different. A goofy sense of humor. Always fun. It's Sarah Weinshank, everybody.

It's all about making that GTO. I like getting car washes. Make me feel like my shit's together. Could be having the worst day, but if my car's clean, I feel slightly better. They're like Band-Aids. But the whole car wash experience

is overwhelming as fuck. You pull up, not even ready to get out of your vehicle yet. There's just a team of Hispanics with vacuum hoses. Yep. I just stand there like, I'm not ready. I'm trying to clean my car out as I'm pulling up.

Then they ask me what type of fragrance I want, and there's so many options. Pina Colada, baby powder, new car scent. None of them ever smell great. They always smell kind of like something, and then kind of like dirt. Inside of car washes washes they have a greeting card section

why why greeting cards why not treadmills I'm down to kill two birds with one stone but I'm good on the greeting cards I have been wondering why there's greeting cards

in the car wash the whole fucking time and I didn't even realize it was a thing and then like it might be Valentine's Day or something or a birthday and they're taking a girl out it's really bizarre how big

the card section is though I swear to God I thought it was just at that car wash. It's a bunch of random garbage too. Not just cards but like tchotchkes. I was going to get to the fashion accessories but I didn't get there. The sunglasses. It's okay.

Luckily you're in a position where you need to write a new minute each week so you could add it on to next week. But one thing that I will say that stood out to me is I'm with you on that that part where you pull in and you see the guys waiting for you and you're starting to clean your car it's almost like you're

embarrassed of what they're going to find it's like a maid that comes to your house right and then by the time that you're actually at the guys with the hoses you look around and you realize wait I just cleaned everything. I barely even need this anymore. And I've never gone

where the guy has not tried to upsell me. Oh, big time. Every time. They're just like, I just want the $15 one. They're like, really? Yeah.

You really? You hate your car that much? Cheap piece of shit. You know, like, there's got to be something there. Yeah, like, I don't want the leather conditioner.

It's our morale. He's like, really? You don't? Yeah. I guess your parents didn't got to be something there. Yeah, like I don't want the leather conditioner. It's armor all. Really, you don't? Yeah. And they'll always like really upsell. It's not like a slight upsell like McDonald's where it's like McDonald's is like, hey, do you want a side of fries with that? But at the car wash, they're like you want the $15 wash? You know,

right now we're doing a special detail for $65. It's like, wait a second. You know, that's fucking. And then you wait for 45 minutes and you read greeting cards. Yeah. I want to be in and out of here. Yeah.

And they have that weird like leather couch, like a lounge area. That's weird. They always have the, they have the, the, the leather massage chairs at mine. Yeah. And they're outside. Yeah. Why are these outside? What about the windows? You can mine and they're outside. And I'm like, why are these outside? What about the windows you can't see your car through?

You can't see it? Oh, you know, there are some that are jank and you can't see your car. Like, what are they hiding? For sure. That's in the black neighborhood. They're humping your seats. I like when they say it's 100% hand wash but then it still goes through that machine. Right. I'm like, say it's 100% hand wash, but then it still goes through that machine. Yeah, right.

I'm like, just because you're... Not 100%. Right. Just be honest. Just say 92% hand wash. Yeah, there's actually a wealth of shit. You should just go there, smoke a bunch of weed, and just sit there and just write and write and write. There you go.

We've all been there, man. And how about the girl just at the register that just got out of jail? How about that chick that's taking your money? Oh, my God. Are all the car washes the same? Yeah. I miss the ones you drive through yourself. I miss that claustrophobic panic attack you get when the sponges start coming down.

And you start looking at your rearview mirrors and your antenna like, there's no way I'm going to make it through this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are at the gas station now. An adrenaline rush just drives through. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever had sex during one of those car washes, like in two minute time that you

have? It's not even two minutes, first of all. So if you had sex in one of those, that's like a 50 second fucks. Have you? I've had like hot makeout sessions in those. What? For sure, yeah. Yeah.

Really? Yeah, that's something you do. It's like you're with a girl like, hey, you want to fuck around real quick? Hey, you want to go to the car wash with me? Oh my God. It's so much fun. It is fun. Because it's like getting clean on the outside and it's dirty on the inside.

There you go. You can take that with you. That's Sarah Weinshank. There she goes. There she goes. A new minute every week all the time. That's at Princess Shank on Twitter. Always funny.

And your final comedian of the night, a regular since the very beginning. She dropped out of Florida University, the University of Florida. She was a gator. And then she dropped out of college because she fell in love with stand-up comedy during her stay here in Hollywood. And she absolutely destroyed at the La Jolla Comedy Store, guys. She was built completely here. She's here for you right now with a brand new minute.

It's Kimberly Congdon, everybody. Yeah, Kimberly! Hey, guys. So, uh, I hooked up with a girl for the first time the other day. Give it up. Great Jason Serra. Give it up. Grace and Sarah. It was interesting.

Let me tell you about it. It was a different experience. So I got there, and I got naked, and she started feeling all my boobs. And then I laid down, and she was like, she told me something that made me a little uncomfortable. She was like, hey, that made me a little uncomfortable. She was like, hey, this might be a little uncomfortable.

And I was like, okay. And then she told me something that made me feel better and she was like, but don't worry, your insurance should cover it. Because I was at the gynecologist and I mean, like, she gave me eye contact. I didn't wear my red lace underwear for nothing.

We were definitely together. We were talking about birth controls, and she suggested one that I wouldn't get pregnant for the next 15 years. And I was like, I'm 23. I won't be able to get pregnant in 15 years. Like, did I have to start when I was 5? Fuck yeah.

Wait, I don't know why you wouldn't get pregnant in 15 years. Because I'm going to be like 45. Well, the way society is going, you're going to be able to get pregnant forever. Can't you not get pregnant after like 32? No. Only Mary had a baby at 43. I don't know. God, I hope so. I can stop using birth control if that's the case.

Wait, you're 24. Yeah, I'm 23, but you know what I mean. I was just saying, like, after 30, you shouldn't be, like, having sex. Are you kidding me? I'm fucking 40. I can still get a girl knocked out. My mom had me when she was 38. She's going to be here next week.

How are you going to explain that to her? You can't be ignorant on stage. It's not healthy to have kids after 30, Brian. It's not healthy to have kids after 30. I'm a fucking genius. My mom had me when she was 38. I get it. Some kids are fine.

Some kids come out with an extra chromosome after 30. You're calling me fine? I'm very offended right now. Well, that's just ignorance. Nobody that's just fine wears gold shoes and is in the writer's guild, okay? All right, listen. And those stats aren't right at all.

You need to really check your stats because you acted like you checked those stats like 15 years ago. Has anybody heard that you're not supposed to have, like it's not, it's suggested you have kids before 30? It's a higher risk. It's a higher risk. It's a higher risk to the woman, not to the baby. You're gonna make 46. I'm worried about myself in this situation. They say most babies come out smarter when their parents are over the age of 35. True. When the mother's over 35, the child usually

comes out 10 times smarter than if the mom is 19, because that bitch don't know shit. True. It's true. It's a bigger, it's more of a risk if you have babies too close to each other like with every nine months or something

then they're like at higher risk to like be a little but I really loved the 45 seconds before that with the gynecologist and all that

everything I think that's a great you should you maybe push the gynecologist part back farther because I think you did a few jokes

after you said she was a gynecologist that you could probably just keep the gynecologist at the very end to be the very like, bam, she's a gynecologist. To make people think

I'm really hooking up with a girl and it's just like someone that's treating me. It's the turn. Okay. But I think it's fine. She told me to relax.

Leave the insurance thing in the middle though too because then it leads, that just sounds funny. But when gynecologist comes right after that, it sort of ends the mystery. Like, you could do it

any way you want, of course. She wanted to keep the lights on. I wanted them off. Right. Stuff like that. There's lots of other things. I wanted to say something, you know when they make you

scoot your butt forward all the way? Something about that, but I didn't know guys would get it or not. And that is it. Kill Tony 41, everybody. That was Kimberly Congdon.

She's on Twitter at Kimberly Congdon. Matt Bronger, you're on Twitter at Bronger, B-R-A-U-N-G-E-R. Anything else you want to promote? Correct. No, just listen to Ding Donger with Matt Bronger if you like. I love it. There you go.

When does it come out? Next week. Oh, okay. Well, I hope you had seen me in Phoenix before. Sarah Tiana, and she has other stuff coming up, too. Yeah, you can just follow me on Twitter for all future news. Tiffany. I'll be on Chelsea next week.

Ooh. Ooh. Tell that bitch I said hi. Okay. Tiffany Haddish is the queen bee of Death Squad. I just followed you on Twitter. I'll follow you back, too. Follow her on Twitter so that Tony doesn't get shot by Tiffany.

Because I will shoot his ass if I don't get 100 followers. And Tiffany, are you still doing all the TV stuff? Yeah, I'm going to be on New Girl again. Ah, that's great. And Tiffany will be with us in Portland, Seattle, and Vancouver. 418, 419, and 420. That's a 420 weekend with the cat pack of the Death Squad.

Yes, Tiffy's official cat pack member. God, I hope I survive that weekend. I'm Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redband. We did it again. Thank you so much, audience. Thank you. Have a great night. See you. Thank you. A pussy burnin' lookin' so satisfied A pussy burnin' lookin' so satisfied

I'm lost in his little yellow round eye Lost in his little yellow round eye Pussy burnin' lookin' so satisfied A kitty wrap and scratch me through my jeans Kitty wrap and scratch me through my jeans