KILL TONY - KILL TONY #44

Episode Date: April 1, 2014

Todd Glass, Dom Irrera, Tony Hinchcliffe, Missy Martinez, Kimberly Congdon, Sara Weinshenk, Sexy Patriot/Margaret Mollè, Brian Redban – Date: 03/24/2014 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey guys, it's Red Band and you're listening to Kill Tony here at DeathSquad.TV. If you want to come see us live, we do this Kill Tony every Monday at 8pm at the World Famous Comedy Store on Sunset. Tickets are free, so just come on down. And me, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Tiffany Haddish are going on the road for the Death Squad 2014 Northwest Tour. Tickets can be found at DeathSquad.TV. April 18th will be in Portland, Oregon at the Funhouse Lounge. April 19th will be in Seattle, Washington at the High Line. And the big 420 show, man.

That's Vancouver, Canada. Edgewater Casino. All the ticket links are at DeathSquad.TV. Also, there's ways to help us. DeathSquad relies 100% Also, there's ways to help us. Death Squad relies 100% on you. We need money. I can't pay for this thing. I'm almost bankrupt because of Death Squad.

I don't have the money or the sponsors that the other guys have. I've been just pretty much paying for everything using only T-shirt sales. I used to have Amazon accounts and all this other stuff, but unfortunately they dropped me because of my subject matter I guess. Amazon doesn't like talking about boobies. Anyways, so please if you

can go to DeathSquad.tv, click on the donate link. That will show you all the different ways you can help us out by either donating money or buying a t-shirt or even our Amazon wish list for items that we need for the studio so please death squad dot tv or the official death squad store for the t-shirt and stickers is shop squad dot tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony

hey this is red man coming to you live from the world famous Comedy Store for a brand new episode of Kill Tony Volume 2. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. Hey everybody, how exciting. Episode 44 of Kill Tony. Thanks for being here everybody. How you guys doing? Happy Monday. It's been a fun weekend, week, slash whatever for me.

I've been re-obsessed with my childhood fun of professional wrestling. The WWE Network has debuted an entire new network that has everything from the vault and everything that they're currently doing so you can actually catch up quickly on modern stuff. Obviously, we go up against Monday Night Raw every night in a ratings war. It's probably pretty accurate of the ratings war, I would imagine. Yeah, they have their millions, and we have our...

Anyway... Is there a lot of people that still watch this, other than a couple of people that... It's been the most watched event on Mondays. It really gives... From ages 5 to 7. No? No? No?

No way, Jose. Is there a lot of people that watch wrestling out here? Well, not here, not in this room. That's what I'm saying a lot of people that watch wrestling out here? Well, not here. That's what I'm saying. But who used to watch wrestling? I was 10. I also did. It's a little bit farther than 10. You're getting there, though.

We started at 5 and 7. Now we're at 10. Let's get to the truth. I was watching. Who's watching it now? You say that millions of people listen to it. I can understand that in the South, there's all the hillbillies that probably love it and shit, and then the kids.

But I don't know, other than you and some comics, I really don't know that. I don't really watch new stuff. But going back on the old stuff, it's the best bad guy, good guy stuff. And it's amazing to me because I've been watching it for a few weeks. And then guess what happens today? My old friend, Rowdy Roddy

Piper hits me up and i went and did his podcast all right the piper pit pod used to have a show every saturday morning wrestling called piper's pit and now it's evolved into the piper pit pod uh i got to be his first guest with an awesome actor uh richard uh tyson who who plays the bad guy in everything. He's done like 60 movies. Hey, Dom, fuck yeah. How are you, buddy? What's up?

Go say hi to Todd, and we'll bring you out in a minute. Is that okay? And then Josh will get you a drink, and we'll get you all warmed up. I love your style, though. He's so excited to be here. He just jumps right in. Dom Ivera is coming up, everybody. The best.

That's how you make a fucking entrance right there. Why do you treat me like I'm retarded? That's cool. So you did the Piper's podcast Yeah, it was fun hanging out with him And then we had lunch And it's just incredible talking old wrestling with him I was actually catching him up

On what's happening in more modern wrestling It was incredible to be telling him Oh yeah, the main guy right now is this guy And he does this Would you say you watch more wrestling than you do UFC? Well, here's the thing. I've always been a UFC guy since Hoist Gracie. However,

they don't have their own network like the WWE does. They have a new thing where you pay $10 a month and you get everything that's ever happened in all of wrestling. I think they have that. They have the UFC Fight Pass where it goes through all the... It's not as good. It's not that they have a network. They really made the network really tight, this WWE thing... It's not as good. Yeah, I mean, it's not that they have a network. It's really, they really made the network

really tight, this WWE thing. So it's, like, really fun for me because it's hard for me. Since Breaking Bad and House of Cards has ended for now, it's good to be able to take my mind off of everything. You should watch. I've been getting into...

Mark Perrin has a podcast show where it's about his podcast, Loosely, and a TV show. I just got into it. It's pretty cool how they, that Mark actually took podcasting and kind of threw it into the mainstream a little more. That's really cool that he did that.

Podcasting's still like a baby. My dad just started listening, unfortunately. And he keeps on texting me things like, really, Brian? Dance per day? You made somebody squirt. Is that real?

What's squirting? Right. What's squirting? They don't even know what squirting is. They used to call it something different back then. That's the order of things that they learn. First comes the iPhone, and then comes a iPhone, and then comes

a podcast, and then comes squirting. Right. What did they used to call it back in the day? Like Chrissy's? Probably some weird word like a splotulation or something. The tabernacle. I got a tabernacle all over my chest last night.

Fuck yeah. Well, as you guys know, every week we always have a head of security keeping us safe, keeping an eye on everything to make sure that nothing too crazy happens. You know, in the podcast world, sometimes crazy stuff can happen. And to keep us safe, we have another head of security this week. This is actually her second time keeping us safe. She did such a great job the first time. People love her. She's back. Everybody, it head of security this week. This is actually her second time keeping us safe. She did such a great job the first time. People love her. She's back. Everybody,

it is the sexy patriot Courtney Moe. And Margaret Moe. Fuck yeah. Welcome back. Hell yeah. I love the speaker box hanging right off the front. Fuck yeah.

I love it. How are things going, Patriot? Oh, you know, crazy. Living it up, you know. All right. One American at a time, my man. Fuck yeah. The alcohol here has alcohol in it Oh my favorite

Are you wearing underwear this time? Oh yeah of course The sexy kind? Are they patriotic? Are you serious? Yeah I can't be I'm a patriot and not have patriot underwear Are you crazy? This is America okay Yeah, I can't be Iron Patriot in that Patriot underwear.

Are you crazy? This is America, okay? Pew, pew. Fuck yeah, blowing it up for us. We've heard that before, right? Right. Iron Haddish is able to queef on command. You can't do that though, right?

You know, it's a special thing. You know, for like private events. Oh, private events only. Not ready for the podcast world, I see. Yeah, no, I don't think we're ready. Well, fuck yeah.

Well, thanks for being here. I'm very excited to have you back. You look lovely. So, what do you guys say we get this thing started, huh? It's episode 44 of Kill Tony. I'm so excited about this one, guys. This is no bullshit. This is a big'em.

These are two of the funniest people that I know, two of my funniest friends. So here they are, everybody, your guests tonight. It's Todd Glass and Dom Irera, everybody. Holy holy. Wow. tonight it's Todd glass and Dom Irera everybody Great. I feel like I'm doing good. Funny. Where'd Dom go, Josh? Dom said he's not ready yet.

Okay. Whenever he's ready. Oh, here he is. It's Dom Ibarra. Already killing it. Dom's a favorite from a few episodes ago. Not only was he on the panel, but he also performed. I got a minute.

So welcome, guys. Hello. There you go. Hi. Todd, I've been trying to get you on this. I felt like I was overly annoying you. No, no. I felt like you were going to think it was like a joke. It was always something weird.

No, I get it. You're a busy guy. That's what I do to my people. Just look at the phone and see who's calling and just say no. Not going to happen. We texted. Yeah, we texted back and forth a lot. There's a lot of Sunday night invitations coming from this room.

You know what I don't like about Todd? What? That's the way you start. What is it? I'm kidding. I know. I can't take a joke? See, I work it before you.

You actually can't take a joke. I know. I have trouble. That's what everybody says. He's a sensitive comedian. Oh, thank you. That's the way you never get defensive. If you overly agree, it works.

Whenever someone goes, Oh, my God. No, somebody goes, You know what? This is a vicious thing. I know. That's what my brother says. Then they go, Oh. And switch it around. You're goes, oh my God. No, somebody goes, you know what, this is a vicious thing. I know, that's what my brother says. Then they go, oh.

And switch it around. You're this, you're that. You're like, I know, I know. I try so hard to change. They're like, oh, you're all right. Thank you. It's an old trick. Thank you.

One guy likes it. That's good. I'm so glad to have you guys with us. Iron, Iron Iron Courtney. You think what I said was interesting? Yes. So far, we're batting 1,000 on this. Even if it's not particularly laugh-out-loud funny,

it amuses what you do. Because a lot of people go for the big laugh, but I've seen your act. You don't pander. Fuck them. And the age gap seems bigger then, because you may be doing comedy like four years, and I had just started.

And I swear, I was like with my high school friends in my parents' station wagon, when Dom, after the show, he goes, thanks for bringing the crowd down before you brought me up. And I thought it was a compliment. And on the way home, my friend John Biederman's like, I think he was making fun of you.

I'm like, oh, it was? I had no idea. I'm like, oh, it was? I had no idea. I'm like, oh, yeah, it was. You shouldn't bring the crowd down. I thought maybe it was the host that was like, thanks for bringing them down for me, but that's not what he meant. It made us all look so much better.

Thanks. Thanks for tanking it for us. And I'm like, oh, you're welcome. Look at the way we got these two people and the rest of them are background. Two people laughing and the rest of them are extras. What the fuck do you want? It's a funny night. What do you want?

Isn't that funny when that happens? You think, well, could two people be right and everybody else be wrong? Yes. That happens in this world a lot. Small majority is right. They think they're better than us sitting back there on their high horses. Have you seen our acts?

Together we would have one great act. In part, we're fairly mediocre. I'm Courtney. Do you have any questions for our guests tonight? Normally the head of security always asks a question. Do you have anything for these guys? Yeah. Todd.

Hey. What's up, fella? I really love everything you do, okay? And I saw a video you made where you actually kidnap a child in a van. And then I was wondering, did you really kidnap a child, or did you get permission to kidnap a child? First of all, I've got to get that mask wherever you buy that, because that's going to be a lot of fun for me, and I will order it somehow.

It was on Prime. The question is, that was... Now, are you seriously asking? Because my family, I had to correct them on that. They thought I really did that with just a kid. Yeah, I mean, either way, I'm supporting you. Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you.

It was an actor. It was an actor. Cool! How about Dom? You have a question for Dom? Yeah. Well, yeah, I'd like to ask him... Oh, yeah. I was wondering, where'd you get that shirt?

I pulled it out of my ass. Let me ask you something. I would ask you to blow me, but I see that you can't. Unless I have a sliver-like veal dick. You can go through my eyes. No, I'm good. I did that yesterday. You wanted to.

That reminds me, I've got to give my mom a call. I don't know what made me think of her. Are you saying you fucked your mom's eyeball, though? Hey, well, we do it all. Well, how fun. Josh, if I could just have a piece of paper and a pen. Jesus Christ. Are you around, Josh? Oh, yeah. You were going to just have a piece of paper and a pen. Are you around, Josh?

Oh, yeah. You were going to get me a piece of paper and a pencil. What type of... That looks good, that drink over there. I don't even know what it tastes like. I like the bottle. Oh, by the way. That's why I buy shit sometimes. I'm like, oh, it's a cool bottle.

I'll put it in my refrigerator. People will think I'm rich. Clearconcentrates.org donated some concentrates, but they also donated this liquid medicated cannabis beverage. It's a sparkling cherry tea lime lemonade. Wow. Cherry limeade with marijuana infused into it.

So you have a sponsor. We do. For this episode. Because we love lemonade and we love getting high. But who has the time to smoke while drinking lemonade? You know what I mean? You've got to take it all at one time.

It's like the peanut butter and the jelly together. It's now this is that. That's the goober of lemonade and pot. My face is how? People always say, Tony, we love the podcast, but if people could just make more faces. I'm known for my faces, and you know it. Just a piece of paper and a pen, Josh, whenever you get a chance.

Josh, you're doing a great job. I listen to the show, and not a lot of people ever give you the kudos you deserve. It's true. Put your hands together for Josh, everybody. At JoshMartinComic on Twitter. Always running around. Fuck yeah. The Patriot just blew it up for that one.

Man. You gotta love that. Absolutely. So let's get this thing started. You guys ready for this? It's episode 44 of Kill Tony, everyone. The return of... Yeah, thing started you guys ready for this? it's episode 44 of Kill Tony everyone the return of yeah where are you guys?

Josh Martin almost fell everybody that would have been awesome now as you guys know you get 60 seconds each you're going to know that your time is up when you hear the sound of a kitty. That's 60 seconds. You can't go over your time in show business,

or else then you're going to bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Wow. I'm pretty sure the bear killed an elephant at the end of that. It's always a little bit different. Anyway, let's get it started. Your first comedian tonight doing 60 seconds is Calvin Cateyes. Oh, wow. When somebody doesn't show up, that means they get blacklisted from the show and then the head of security makes a bunch of noises like this.

Okay, that's it. That's a totally different version than usual. And we will roll with it. Who just didn't show? What is his name? Calvin Cateyes. And he just, what happens? He signs up, he gets pulled out. I would have thought that a guy like Calvin Cateyes. He gets banned for three months. let's keep it moving many more names in this bucket

see who else in the cat eyes family tim greer here he is, Tim Dorea. How y'all doing? So, I don't know. I'm disturbed by the increasing number of Beyonce fans. I think there needs to be like a restriction, a limit to how much women can listen to Beyonce. I'm serious. She's inspiring women in the wrong ways.

She is. I don't know now how bitch that can surf, but every woman's running around talking about surfboard. Is it just me? I don't know. And then, I don't know., bitch, that can surf, but every woman's running around talking about surfboard. Is it just me? I don't know. And then, I don't know, women follow Beyonce in a weird way. Like, single ladies. Do women not understand, bitch, that's how you stay that way? I'm just saying, like, I'm not trying to be rude, but, like, her new song is called Drunk in Love.

As a man, I don't think anyone loves a drunk girl. They may want to fuck her, but I don't think anyone loves her. That's my thought. Yeah, that was... Alright. Does Beyonce have a song about surfing? It's about dick. Oh, fuck yeah.

Yeah, she's riding it like a surfboard, guys. Surfboard, surfboard. Oh, I see. Now I understand completely. Yeah. Okay. That's just agreeing with what you said. You said women are into Beyonce

and then the woman on the show. No, I hate surfboard. I hate that. Why? Oh, because I would much rather she say ride the dick than surfboard. I would. I'm old-fashioned. Who cares what she's calling it if she say ride the dick than surf pool I would I'm old fashioned

damn you just got told you just got straight up security about 35 seconds yeah that was quick. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. Four years? Go ahead and say it. Someday you'll get a minute. Fatality.

Hang in there. Hang in there. I can see 40 seconds around the corner I can see it from here it's a mile marker I'm sure he has I'd like to see you in front of a live audience seriously you can see that he had some substance.

I wouldn't say seriously, though. Seriously is kind of like old school, like seriously. It's like, we know you're a comedian, we know you're a kid, and saying seriously is a little bit of a turn off,

you know? But this really actually happened to me, folks. Like, who gives a fuck? That was something funny, you know what I mean? They're not going to go, man, he had integrity. He's serious. That comedian was serious

I love it So that's pretty much 35 seconds on Beyonce Is that part of your You talk about Pop culture and stuff I mean I'm trying these things Things I normally wouldn't try Because I, like you talk about pop culture and stuff? I mean, I'm trying these things. Things I normally wouldn't try, because I normally would never talk about Beyonce. But someone told me, like, whatever you think of.

How long has the Surfort song been out for? About a few months. It's pretty popular. I haven't heard it yet. I thought you did a good job. I like Beyonce's new album. She made a video for every single song, and every single video, I just want's new album. She made a video for every single song and every single video, I just want to fuck her.

It's just fucking sexy shit. You don't like Beyonce? I don't like what she inspires. I feel like she... What? Women sucking dick and liking it? What don't you like about that? By the way, in all fairness, she's not with the show. She has a song called Rocket Ship about squirting.

Why is that not awesome? Is that true? Yeah. I love that. That's your squirting sound effect. That's a sound effect. People at home might have thought it was somebody at the board if they were doing their job.

Where's your squirting sound, Brian? You have to have one. I learned that in the military. I don't think this has a squirting butt. Hey, baby. No, it doesn't. I think the set was top heavy in a sense. I think you were too strong in the first ten seconds.

Petered off, you know? I think I love everything that you get to change it around. I thought, you know what? It scared me to do this because you don't want to sit. Because some things don't need to be picked apart that much. But what I would always, just so you know I'm not being phony. I would more like, if somebody was doing something that was like, you know, like comedy tricks, which get me fucking so angry. Hey, folks, give yourselves a hand.

Yes. Any manipulation. But like when you see something. What about a hand for a waist stamp, huh? Anything. They're working hard for you. Or laughing at the punchlineline like right where you tell your punchline stuff like that

or that's like but that's like stop don't do that or like you know hey you're this crowd I thought some of it was stopped I really did I thought that was a thing from the 80s we made fun of it and then every so often I'll see a comedian you guys are sick like me oh I want to fucking bite my fingers off does that help or people go

hey we're sick like him. You guys got the worst drivers. You're on highway fill in the blank. Oh, they know us. We're bad drivers. I worked with a comedian like that. And I won't say what town, but we did these one-nighters.

And every club we got to, we had to find out, hey, where's like this or that? And he would go, oh, I was down at your five-way stop sign. People fucking loved it. And I hated that they loved it. I don't know why. They didn stop sign. People fucking loved it. And I hated that they loved it.

I don't know why. They didn't do anything wrong, they thought. But I was like, no, this is in every city. It's not you. Drivers here, I mean, yeah. And people are like, we are worse drivers. This guy gets us. I worked with a guy who got a hand for mothers.

You know who's the hardest working people in the world? Mothers. Let's give him a hand. Who's going to fucking boo mothers? Fuck you. My mother was abusive. Sorry, I see you're not giving it up for the mothers. No. I don't give a fuck what this guy says. Fuck him. My mother's a dirty whore.

I'm not going to sit in a comedy club and just fucking give it up for my mother. If you met her, you'd fucking say something worse. Fuck the troops, all right? No one ever going to have a hand for the troops. No! No! Fuck the troops!

I will not give them a hand! Hey, we're just looking for a free college ride. They didn't expect a war. Hey, we're just looking for a free college ride. They didn't expect a war. Oh, yes. So you didn't do any of that. So that's why I was like, just, you know, 35 seconds, a minute.

You just go, yeah, he knows what he's doing. Tim Greer, thank you so much. Follow him on Twitter at TGreer, G-R-E-E-R 33. We'll take a break. We'll be right back. If you're a Beyonce fan, tweet more. Think of a tag for Tim. I don't know anything off that album. Beyonce on her knees. Water daddy daddy.

Oh shit. Our head of security has Beyonce Tourette's. Just naming songs and I like that. It's so true though about that trickery thing. I've learned about myself that it's harder for me to follow a comedian that uses tricks

and then I see the audience laugh at that and it makes me hate the crowd. Sort of like what you said. I'm just like, oh, you guys are idiots. Now I don't want to make you guys laugh is what I'm thinking. And they're not idiots. Right. It's harder for me to follow a guy with trickery because then it's not as much fun for me than's harder for me to follow a guy with trickery because then it's not as much fun for me

than it is for me to follow the funniest possible guy I'd rather ride a wave of momentum off somebody that I respect than to have to

fucking follow trickery especially when they laugh at their own things I hate that fake laugh when it's always the same right the hardest thing for me is to follow a guy

who does 35 seconds because that means I've got to do so much more time I've got to do a fucking hour and 20 he did 35 seconds in the middle like what the fuck i love it let's keep it moving along the other tricks i'm trying to think of some of the other oh saying a word wrong every night oh that's got to be exhausting you know you go oh did i say oh really every night you got to pull out that gem oh yeah

matter of fact sometimes it's such when I see comics with like a hundred tricks you know and by the way I always say this it's not that I think

I'm the best comic in the world by far but I care a little to not like just vomit all over it but I care a little am I embarrassed

that I care a little is the they say the wrong word I forgot what I was going to say. Well, I understand. Fuck. I understand what you're saying. You preface so much. I understand what you're saying, Todd, because I am one of the best comics in the world. And from my perspective, I can imagine what it looks like from yours.

This is great. I'm laughing, but you know what I'm doing. I'm trying to think. Always looking up. What were we talking about? Go in the thing about the tricks. The tricks, yeah. Saying the word wrong. Oh, when I see someone with not one or two tricks or a new comedian.

I'm always talking 20-year veterans that still do it. I don't judge anyone doing it for a short period of time. But they have so many tricks that I really start feeling bad for them. I go, oh, my God, that's going to be sad. They're not enjoying that. It's the same shit every go, oh my God, that's going to be sad. They're not enjoying that. It's the same shit every night. Like, oh, that's like a regular job. That's why that comedian, a lot of times those guys,

they're miserable because that shit act they have to do every night, of course they're angry. They don't get on that much out here. They're more road acts you're talking about. Middle acts on the road. Right, yeah. Sometimes when you get someone. 700 miles for one gig.

But those are always the you could set it to a clock that a lot of the most unhappy people most of the most unhappy comedians that I know aren't taking chances and they're not writing new stuff I don't know if that's true across the board but I always think that a lot of guys that have an aggressive personality on stage and you would think would be angry or real sweet offstage but guys that are faking happiness that aren't they're miserable off stage. And by the way, those acts

I said, a lot of times the guys driving club to club are fucking great. I think there's an equal amount of MCs, headliners, 30 year comics, 20 year comics, 10 year comics that do those trick things. It's just worse when they're doing it longer because you think they'd grow out of it by then.

You hate to see it work when you work so hard at being original. Right. And you're thinking, this has got a bigger lift than anything. Who ordered the tax for those stupid fucking jokes? Remember that? Yes. I did all that shit, but then you get where that's not fulfilling anymore. You know what I mean?

Crowd's like, you did it. We didn't know that. Here we go. Your next comedian, everybody, goes by the name of Scott Lazard. How's it going? It's been interesting to see the breast cancer awareness movement really pick up steam the last few years.

I think it has something to do with more men getting involved with it. Have you guys noticed this? I think it's something to do with more men getting involved with it. Have you guys noticed this? I think it's because we finally realized that breast cancer is the number one cause of less breasts throughout the world. But no, men don't get behind a whole lot of causes, but breast cancer seems to be the one that people do get behind. I get approached all the time, sir, do you want to donate $5 to the ACLU? No. Sir, can you spend an hour at the Batter Women's Shelter this weekend?

No. Sir, would you like to give $5 to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer? Did you say breasts? Yes. I've got $10 on me right now. You can have this. I can give you more tomorrow. Do you need people to volunteer?

I'm happy to volunteer. I could do breast exams. Whatever you want. All I'm really trying to say is I guess real men wear pink. Wouldn't take a good risk. There you go. Nailed it in a minute. Boob heavy definitely boob heavy you know what I find interesting about all the

all the breast cancer stuff is is that you know I want to know if I'm saving one boob or two boobs when it happens because if they're going to get to keep one boob, that's good.

Like, I'll invest so that somebody can keep at least one boob. I lost my sister to breast cancer. Really? Yeah, so it's really... I really enjoyed your act, by the way. Yeah, I did. And it's really interesting because Yeah, I did. And it's really interesting because they always talk about taboo things

and things that you wouldn't talk about. I mean, you didn't make it funny either, so it was like a double negative. I mean, you did a topic that was touchy, and I can handle it, and it broke my fucking heart to lose my sister, believe me, and I'll never get over it. That's not your problem.

You could still have humor in it. You had no punchlines, no nothing. All it was was just mean spirited and stupid. But anyway, good luck with whatever you choose to do. Love your work, by the way.

Do you have a game over sound? Maybe that's a good thing to... I don't know. I don't want to... Game over, man! I'm a little paranoid. You don't want to think you're giving out shitty advice, but I guess, tell me, be honest if you think this would be good advice to give someone.

Because I don't want to be a part of something, don't do this, don't do that. Shut the fuck up. Everyone should do what they fucking want. Exactly. But you're just giving advice. You say, if this works for you. You say, maybe earlier when you're taboo subjects, everything can be talked about.

9-11, anything can be talked about. Cancer, but you just have to have the ability to make it funny. So if you're talking about the mall and it's not funny, it's not as dangerous or weird to the audience. But if you're talking about cancer, you want to make sure this better be funny. I always say something should be funnier than it's twisted, funnier than it's mean. Everything's fucking funny. That's why when those people are like, oh, is this funny or is that funny? I always like to sort of play dumb.

Can you make jokes about this? I always go, yeah, let me hear the joke. I don't have an overall rule for any. Oh, you can't do 9-11 jokes. But I think that's when a lot of people don go, yeah, let me hear the joke. I don't have an overall rule for any, oh, you can't do 9-11 jokes. But I think that's when a lot of people don't like it. You go, let me hear the joke. I'm not saying, oh, they want you to have a blanket. Oh, yeah, 9-11 jokes are funny.

No, no, no, everything's funny. Let me hear your joke. And then joke by joke, you go, no, that's meaner than it's funny. But I didn't feel that way about you. I'm going wider. But I agreed with Don basically. But, you know, I didn't want to. But also, you'll figure it out.

That's why it's hard to give this advice. Like, you're going to figure it out. You'll keep doing it every week. You think you're being edgy by doing that material, and it's really, it just has to be funny. I have jokes about child molestation in my act. When I do that, I pull it back on me.

I don't want to really hurt a child, so I talk about one of the bits is I was an altar boy, and I was never molested. And I used to think, what about me, Father? I'm not hot enough for you? Mallory twins get it twice a week. Couldn't stick it to little Don Morer.

But at least it's coming back on me. Yours was just brutally assaulting. And there's a lot of people who fucking die from that. Yeah, I've had family members die from that. well that's what yeah I was that's what I was trying to do is make fun of like men being interested in breast cancer because of tips obviously it didn't work but that was that was the concept yeah and it does I'm glad you said that because they have someone's listening no one's by the way no one's obviously looking to like you know make you feel

bad no I'm just sometimes you know you'll hear advice and you'll be like oh yeah that you might have thought it already then you hear some people say it in a loving way you're like yeah maybe i should like but now that people know why you did it they know your intent obviously was you were trying to like do something really cool with a subject that's touchy and then but you know yeah i had a rape not even a joke. It was just something that somebody actually told me once, and I used to try to put it on stage. She said that she had been raped twice,

and I actually asked her, was one better than the other? And that's a legit question. But I tried to do it so many different ways to make it not like... It's not like your first. It's always special. First time you get dragged behind a bush.

Right. When you say that's a legitimate question, you're kidding, right? Right. But even just joking about it and saying that it was like a real question, I still felt the second i brought up the word rape that the whole like there was people in the audience just like kind of just shut off so i lost him probably for the rest of the remember daniel got in trouble for that yeah well i mean they get in trouble that they uh called tmz for him well the last was uh you know

that story right well that was my fucking fault because he came in to get something to eat with me and i was drunk and i said you want to go on because now i'm tired he came in to get something to eat with me and I was drunk and I said you want to go on? he goes no I'm tired let's just go get something to eat so we're walking by in the laugh factory and I go hey Tasha's here bring him up and he went oh fuck you motherfucker

and then he said what do you guys want to talk about and somebody goes rape and some lady goes that's not funny and he goes well it's not funny unless you're the one getting gang banged by fire and that's how the whole thing started he never meant to do anything yeah just he wasn't ready right and then Jamie anyway keep up the bad work Scott, right? Yeah.

How long have you been doing stand-up? About five months. Oh, there you go. Finish him! Where are you from? North Carolina. Nice. How long have you been here?

Three weeks. Wow, there you go. Where are you from in North Carolina? Charlotte. You better stay away Who else is Carolina? Charlotte. You better stay away from my brother and his kids. Where? Well, I'm not there anymore. Oh.

Yeah, you're here. See, why can't you say shit like that in your act? That's like improv. That's what you need to do. That's what you need to do. You know, the back and forth thing. But there you go. From now on, just take Dom Irera on stage with you.

You have a whole thing going on. The only thing you need, you need is just more talent. That would help. So you've been doing it for what was it, five months? So you did it for four months in North Carolina and you're like, fuck it, I'm ready for Hollywood. Let's go.

I do film editing. Oh, nice. That's why I'm here editing so that's why oh nice great well congratulations and welcome and in another five months I'm Italian I got a couple grand me I don't know I don't think I have any money. Okay, what's our next person? Scott, thank you so much. Welcome to Hollywood, buddy. How about that, though?

Oh, boy, patriotic cancer. Then you know you're dead. Anyway, thank you, guys. You know, when you get six months to live, you really drink it up. You know what? Really give a fuck. When you get six months to live, you really drink it up. You don't really give a fuck.

I don't want to be the one that gives motivational like it's cheesy in a cheesy way. I always say to guys that are newer, if you're in a town and there's somebody going up and sometimes they'll go, do you have any advice? I do really say this and I fucking mean it. I go, look, you're going to go up tonight for the first time. If it goes well, yeah, that's a bonus. It's better to do well. I'm not going to fucking act like no matter. But the truth is, even if you bomb and you do three minutes, one thing you'll be able to say, and it's not bullshit,

you fucking did it. You go home, you put your head in that pillow at night, and that's a big fucking deal to go to a comedy club, perform in front of three people. It's like, yeah. So I'm always like, just go out and don't half-ass celebrate it. You get up there for the first time, so that's at the end of it. But that's, you know.

Hey, Todd, blow me, all right? Fucking blow me. Well, it's not like I don't think it's also funny to say all the funny stuff, too. But I just, I don't know. Fuck it. Who gives a shit? I do. I promised myself I wasn't going to cry tonight.

But you always get me with your motivational speeches. I did it, man. Don't you fucking forget it. Scott Lazzes is at Skidaddle on Twitter, by the way. He actually has the handle Skidaddle. S-K-I-T-D-A-D-D-L-E. Five months. Do you guys remember anything, any joke that you had

when you very first started comedy that you can't believe you ever said on stage? Like, that you look back on? Dom said this already, but I remember it being funny when it was early ones. Yeah, I ask every guest that when they come on. Okay, I'll do it under one condition. I want to fix something. Others are laying in bed at night eating my brain.

When I was talking about the first time on stage, I wasn't referencing Scott, because he's been doing it five months. I was just saying. Okay, back to you. No, I know. I just used that as a segue. I know. I didn't know. The joke in Mac. I'll think about it while Dom answers.

Well, I don't know. I have many jokes that were my first joke. Maybe something you did in the first few months. I mean, not necessarily your first time on stage, but something that you look back on and you're like, wow, I can't believe I did that. One of the stupidest jokes I had was a guy stood up in the middle of my act. It's a really bad joke. He goes, I hate you, motherfucker. I hope you die. That was the owner of the club. That was like, is this thing on?

Hello? That was the owner of the club, folks. Where did I lose you? What is this, an audience or an oil painting? Come on. Give a little. Ooh, ah, ooh. This is sounds that's working in your ear. What kind of guy? I don't know. What else? What's your first one?

Well, song parodies. Everyone did a song parody. So, like, of course, I didn't have a guitar or anything, but, like. I don't remember this. No, it was like, you know, I did it for like three months maybe. But it was like the song, you know, like, dream, dream, dream, dream. It was like cheese, whiz, cheese. The only problem is I can't get it out of the jar.

Because it was hard to get out of the jar. And here's the worst part. It got a good laugh. I only dropped it because a friend a comedian friend told me I was like no, he's like no there was a guy, he was like an acid head from like back from the 60's

and this was in the 80's and we would write him bad song parodies and the owner would go don't encourage the cocksucker because it would be like if you cleave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me. Fucking songs like that. Just to...

And the audience would be fucking applauding. Right. People love music. We had a comedian that would go up and we would...

Not where he knew it. Even then, I wouldn't have been that heartless. But we would fake laugh at this comedian. Oh, who was it? I don't want to say his name.

But he doesn't do it anymore. But anyway, what if he's listening? We will go in the back. Wayne Conner? Was it Wayne? I'm kidding you. We have a history.

Oh, this is great. I could watch you So he would go up, so he would go up, and we would like sit in the crowd, but we laughed like, it wasn't like, oh, oh, oh, oh. No, we really laughed good. Like, if we were in a movie, the extra person would go up and we would sit in the crowd but we laughed. We really laughed good.

If we were in a movie, the extra person would go, you're doing a fucking great job. So one day the owner of the club goes, you guys, you can't do that. His name was Steve Young. He was right. He goes, it's not nice. He wore a cape. This fucking guy had a cape. The owner of the club, he wore a cape.

He should have. So the guy went a cape. The owner of the club. He wore a cape. He should have. He put a top hat. So the guy went out on stage. He did his act, and none of us laughed. And after like one minute, Steve walked over to us, and he looked at us all. He went, go ahead. Go ahead. It was less painful for us to fake life than watch this poor guy.

He's like, go ahead. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Wow. Anyway, there's that.

That's amazing. That's not amazing. There was a comedy club owner that wore a cape? No. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he did. I thought you meant the comedian. Wow.

That's awkward. He's got nice tits. He did really well. Oh, he did? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Welcome new people. Let's get the next comedian up.

Because I know they're anxious. I want to be part of quickening it, not slowing it down. Todd told his 20-minute story. Your next comedian is Jake Adams. Here he comes. Fuck yeah, Jake. Hey, guys. I think the term little white lie might have came from slavery time.

It's like, yeah, he lied, but he is white, so it's not that big of a deal. I still lie a little bit. Mostly to girls, but just about really dumb stuff. I told a girl that I was 23.

I'm 22. So, no difference does that count as part of my time? I told a girl that I ride a motorcycle drive a scooter girls lie to you as well, though. Like, I was on a date with a girl, and in the first five minutes,

she told me that she has ADD, but just when it comes to dating guys. Like, no, you just really enjoy dick. Let's not beat around the bush, all right? Especially when your bush is getting beat like us. That bear came out. Fuck yeah. Did you ever think about writing something about breast cancer?

That's what I was thinking. I like how you lie about things that don't matter. That's a fun premise. It's almost like... It makes me wonder what would happen next. You know what I mean? What if this girl finds out about your lies? All these little mediocre small lies.

Right. You lie about the color of your scooter. You like it's blue it's black why for what there's just little ideas what's your name again i know jake uh jake you were funny i'm so glad you're funny jake does like uh the music on my podcast and uh so i was like oh i wanted you to do he got good laughs tell the story about you know can he can i ask him like you can do it. He got good laughs. Tell the story about, no, can I ask him to like, you can do whatever you want. When he was little, he told a story on the podcast where he would, is it okay if I tell this? Yeah, yeah.

About he would hide under his, he said, in his Jake way, he goes, I gotta tell you, this doesn't normally matter, but my grandmother is like really big. And when he was little, she would wear these big dresses and used to hide under the dress. Yeah, like hide and go seek with my, like where my sister would be like hanging out uh and we'd play hide and go seek and i knew that i could just like go and hide underneath my grandmother's sundress

but then he would yeah but then like because like you're not gonna go find me under my grandmother's sundress and you can't like as friend, you can't go up to somebody else's grandmother and be like, excuse me, can I look under your dress? No. But yeah, she was super fat. You said you would see stuff under there that you knew you shouldn't be seeing.

It was like, you were like, ooh. Like hiding skewers. Pfft. That's amazing. Dripping pussy. All right, I'm sorry. Maybe that wasn't the best story. Go back to his stand-up, because that's what he did.

I don't want to get knocked off points because of his drippy pussy story. Tom goes, I asked for a piece of paper to write down my ideas, and it's completely blank. Tom goes, you're really working hard on your ideas. That's funny. Did they ever find you under there?

And how long would you be stuck under there without them finding you? What do you think if you had to guess what's the longest you spend underneath your grandma's, your fat grandma's dress? Sometimes it would be a while. Because once you're under there, your kid is somewhat comfortable. You're just hanging out. It's a lot of shade. Do you like sushi?

Did you ever sneak a look? At that age, it wasn't aggressive, like me. At your age or at her age? What are we drawing a line on here? And the thing, the reason I made him tell that story just so you know and it makes everything make sense, his grandmother listens to this show. So we just thought it would be a fun way to find out.

So she was just like standing the whole time you were playing hand scene? Sitting. I don't even, is it sitting? I picture it sitting by the way. What is it? No, she would be standing. Wow. Strong angle. For her it was, by the way. What is it? No, she would be standing. Oh. Wow. Strong angle. I mean, for her, it was just like quality time with her.

Right. It was almost like giving birth again to... Right. All right. Crazy thing is that I think a lot of us have hidden under your grandmother's dress while playing a game of hide-and-go-see now. Jake, I can't remember what the stand-up was about. That story is so

intriguing. It was just like dumb lies that I told the girl. 22, 23, same thing. I wonder what the girl would say if she found out that you were actually 22. I mean, that's almost a girl that's not worth keeping. You would still not have sex with her. Ooh, Courtney on the offensive.

Gotta be careful with our head of securities. They get a little feisty sometimes. What if you walked over and punched her after she said that? We don't know. You have a short fuse. You're like, hmm. Fuck yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up, Jake? About two and a half years.

Nice. Heck yeah. You have a good look you have like a very it's almost like Johnny Manziel and James Franco same time yeah yeah no all right forget it you want to talk about the oh what's another one I mean you're you bring out the best. That sundress is amazing. Oh, no, was it? Yeah.

Could that be a funny movie? What I loved about it is how he kept almost secretly, very politely admitting that his grandmother was fat throughout it. Well, you don't want to make it like you're being mean-spirited, but look, he really did that, so he was under there. He told it more descriptive at the podcast. I think you're embarrassed in front of an audience. But he really, I'm just kidding.

He got into detail. Yikes. So you're saying he was much funnier when he wasn't in front of people? Kind of, yeah. That's what happens. It's kind of mean-. That's what happens. It's got to mean spirit at saying that. Maybe you should look into yourself before you start judging him. You know what?

That's what everybody at my family says. I know you're right. I don't want to be the type of person that's like, oh no, you get defensive. You might have a valid point I'm going to really try to work on. Thank you. And also while you're at it, work on your act. You know what? I don't even mind that either. You know what? Because, no, I get lazy. I'm not going to

be honest. I go, Jesus Christ, it's been a while since I've, you know, so dumb. I know he loves me so if he says that, it's like, yeah, fucking listen to him. He's right. I'm going to work on my act. And I know there's a lot of comedians here. You can work on your acts too while you're at it. Yeah. Sure. By the way, I need three comedians randomly to stare at me and then snap out of it and smile.

Okay, there we go. I got seven. Cool. Get into your own headspace and then realize it and then laugh for a minute and then go back to your own headspace. It's just so comforting to see. Steve Young just walked in and said it's okay. Where are you from, Jake? I do the same thing. I don't know what you do.

Born in Boston. Grew up in Barnesville, Massachusetts. Massachusetts? Barnes? What did you call it? It's on Cape Cod. Is that where your grandma lives? Yeah.

She's still alive? She is. That's awesome. Can you imagine what that smells like now? I wouldn't want to go under that dress now. It's some funk and buzz. It's only gotten worse, really. It's like a hot air balloon.

His other grandmother calls him. I know we called her on the show. I go, call your grandmother on the show. He goes, this thing called the science of happiness. And you call people, you tell them, you read something that tells them how much you meant to them. It's sort of fun to do. So he called his grandmother, the other grandmother, and she calls him. It was so funny to see her just not knowing she was on a show or anything.

She goes, oh, hi, Jacobs. We're like, Jacobs, look to call them I'm sorry no no nothing that'd be great to call the the the the big grandma sometime and ask her what her thoughts were about about having her grandson underneath their dress. Because she loved it. Why didn't she write poems about it when she got home? I could feel his breath looking up at me and play with my string. String?

Like a cat. What kind of string do you like? Grandmas don't wear tampons. Sounds like a bumper sticker. Grandmas don't wear tampons. Sounds like a bumper sticker. Grandmas don't wear tampons. Fuck yeah. Well, Jake, great job. Keep rocking.

Thanks for coming on. Cool, thanks, guys. Say hi to your cool friend that works here at the Comedy Store. I'm trying to figure out who it is all night. He's at Young Jake Adams on Twitter. He's the Young Jake Adams on Twitter he's the young Jake Adams on Twitter that's going to be interesting if Twitter's still around 20 years from now

and he's still going by young Jake Adams on it I love that, I see a little 20 year delay joke fuck yeah, get the setup out there now plant the seed, 20 years, the laughs will come it's a good one I'll reprimand them back in there put them back under his grandma's dress yeah teach him a lesson Patriot how you doing over there would she strong hello please show us all Meow. Meow. All right, Brian. Meow. Show you moisture? Ugh.

Okie dokie. Your next comedian goes by the name of Austin Embry, everyone. Austin Embry. How's it going, guys? Yeah, crowd work done. But we're still going insane That shit tickles, man. Yeah, I was molested when I was real little. I was like nine years old. And the babysitter was like, all right, Austin, it's time to take a bath.

And I was like, cool. And I got naked, but I left on my underwear. She was like, no, those gotta come off too. And I was like, but you're gonna see my wee-wee. She's like, it's alright, we're all adults here. The assist right there. So I took off my underwear and she's like, mine, mine.

That was supposed to be a cat. There you go. Austin Embry, everybody. Put your hands together for Austin. That was fucking hot. Yeah. See, that's a good way to take a weird subject and kind of make it funny. Like, I was molested by my babysitter,

and I didn't feel any weird shit. I was kind of interested to see. Tickled was a good line. Yeah. I want to know what happened at the end, though. Say what? What happened at the end. I was going to get to that, but I was just going to,

I don't know. It sounds stupid, though, explaining a joke. Well, if you could trim your act to 35 seconds you're home yeah just need to trim I don't know

it's not a minute I guess how long have you been doing stand up Austin? uh like two and a half years nice moved out here like two and a half years ago so

cool from where? I knew he'd done it for a while when he said crowd work done yeah it's a good line right? unless I get carried away I knew he'd done it for a while when he said crowd work done. It's a good line, right? Plus I could carry it away. Where are you from, Austin? Kansas City.

Oh, yeah, I know a lot of comedians from that area. Yeah, there's a lot of them. Jeremiah Watkins, Matthew Jr. Yeah, a lot of them. Rob Riggle. There you go. This is great having lunch with you. Going over old times.

Was the molesting thing real? No, but... Oh, no, it's kind of fabricated. It's just something that you get fantasized about. Yeah, like, I remember my babysitter, she was undressing. I don't know how to explain this. She's good, slower.

Yeah, she was undressing in her room, and I was kind of peeking through the door, and she could see me, but she kept undressing in her room and I was kind of peeking through the door and she could see me but she kept undressing. And I was scared because she saw me and made eye contact so I just ran away. How old were you at this time? I was like 9 years old.

22. It was like the door was cracked open? Yeah, the door was kind kind of cracked open i was like peeking through and she looked over and saw your eyeball for sure and made eye contact and then that's what happened with jake and his grandmother i heard yeah my dear dom gave me that joke god damn it you whispered that to me you got me didn? I hope you're happy. So when you were watching, so you kept watching her? Yeah. Unlike every other nine-year-old that would have

ran away when they made eye contact. You stayed in the pocket. No, he ran away. No, I ran away. Oh, you didn't watch. Yeah, I didn't watch. So, uh, it's kind of crazy, man. It kind of... Now, did your body do anything when you ran away? Did you, uh... did your body do anything when you ran away did you yeah

no no not really oh yeah yeah man so do you talk about a lot of like you do you talk about a lot of like dark things like that a lot in your act? No, it's a cool subject to talk about because everyone tenses up. But then I kind of make light on it. Yeah, I'm kind of silly on stage. Fuck yeah. Tell some silly jokes. I love it.

Yeah, for sure. Awesome. Dom, what do you think about Austin? What's going on over there? When was the last time you were molested, Dom? What's today? You know, I always say it should be funnier than it is twisted. So you think this is...

I did this joke like twice on stage talking about like there'd be no way you could ever have a series, like a sitcom or a dramatic series, where the dad molests the son. There's no way. But there is in a weird way. The dad doesn't start molesting the son until the son is 43 to get him to move out of the house.

So you're sort of like, all right, maybe. You're like, 43, he couldn't move out. But I did that joke like maybe 10 years ago or 15 years ago, and then that was one of the jokes. Eventually I was like, eh, you know, maybe. I'm not going to ago, and then that was one of the jokes eventually I was like, I'm not going to defend it. It wasn't going over well. I thought he was funny.

I thought you were funny. Again, I'm going to say it every time. I get it. It would punch me in the head. It's weird. Although I like it because I love fucking talking about comedy, so I'm not critiquing the show. But you want to critique it in a fair way. It's like if I had to guess, if I saw you you can't tell in a

minute but if I saw you in a minute I thought oh this guy's fucking funny if I had to guess and you had fun in the bit the tickle thing was like this guy's funny and then you have to watch someone like you know you once you think someone's funny like you walk into a comedy club like oh that guy's funny that girl's funny then the next time you're at the club you take a look at a more you're like oh yeah they yeah, and they catch you. And then over a period of months, you go, you learn. You're like, oh, they are funny.

Your instincts are right. So that's where I'm going to leave it. Fuck yeah, Austin. Thank you so much. That's Austin Embry. He's Ace90210 on Twitter. I've always wondered who got that Twitter handle, Ace90210. That's him.

That's a long one. Ace90210. That's him. Ace90210. Alright. And of course I'll have a merch table set up on the way out of here if anybody is interested. Do you sell things? Not that often. I can't do it. I can't sell things. I can't fucking have people pay

to see me and then get them on the way out with fucking forget about it t-shirts or some thing. You know what it is? I can defend it because maybe 10% of my career I've sold stuff. Mostly I haven't. But for a lot of middles on the road, even good middles, they need the money. I don't mind when they sell.

Oh, you don't? You know what? I always tell headliners when they're selling, and I've told a few friends this, and I'm surprised. If you're a newer act, it doesn't matter. But I've seen guys doing comedy 20 years, and they sell stuff, and they take the money. I'm like, at least fucking set up a table like this. Go to the end, sign stuff. Don't sit there with a wad of money.

I hate motherfuckers like Bobby Collins. Oh, he says on the way out, he goes, folks, don't remember. The emcee has to say, Bobby Collins will be selling this on the way out. Don't forget, folks. Do the right thing. He has a daughter who has something wrong with her, and he uses that, but he really keeps the money. He's a fucking asshole.

Wow. I fucking hate him. That's true? Yeah, why? What did I say? Oh, I'm the bad guy now? But that is a little weird to say do the right thing. So me and my friends have this running joke where we play doorman in a comedy club. And he's like, all right, folks, there's the right way to leave.

And people are walking that way. You're going the wrong way? They're like, what? I'm just leaving. That's the wrong way. No, I don't care. You don't have to buy stuff. It's just the right way and the wrong way.

OK, going out the wrong way, those people are going out the wrong way. These people are going out the right way. It's like, fuck, you can't tell people do the right thing. Like, what the? No, you have to go in my car. Oh, it was a fun night, but at the end, I did the wrong thing. I didn't have money. Things, times are tight. I had to do the wrong thing. It was a weird way

to end up the night. That's amazing. What if Bobby Collins hears this? Erase this. Is that, I've never heard of him. Is he a New York guy? He's a fucking asshole. I don't have any problem with him at all. Dom's got a I hate three comedians

that's it I love a thousand of them so that's not a bad percentage I agree with that if you overall love all comedians maybe the few that you say bad things about maybe it's not because you're jealous maybe it's just the way you feel Dom's right how many comedians

could you go I fucking love them who are the three Craig Shoemaker is one of them you feel because Dom's right. How many comedians could you go, I fucking love them. I fucking love them. Who were the three? Craig Shoemaker is one of them. The love master? He's full of love. He stole that bit. Listen to this, that cocksucker. He stole that bit from a woman who got pregnant.

Karen Haber. So she had to go and have her baby. When she came back, he was doing the bit. And he made a success out of it. Oh god let's get back to the comedy yeah I would be the other two let's go to the next act okay perhaps was there one more oh yeah you're right we could find the fourth canuck I'm not saying the old perhaps the next comedian could be the fourth comedian that Don hates. It's Darren Carter, right?

No. By the way, Darren Carter. It's Darren Carter. Everybody loves Darren Carter. The party starter. But I have a story about Darren Carter, and this is the truth. True story. Stop me if you heard this.

He might not be a party starter. This is a true story. Some act in Washington, D.C. said after the show, he had a coupon for a Red Robins hamburger, and he wanted them to drive him there. So the joke was like, maybe he's not such a party starter. He's going to the Red Robins to eat a hamburger. And I know it's not the

Red Robins but it was something like that. It's an affectionate story. Let it go. The joke worked. You worry too much. I do worry too much. It's better to worry too much than too little. I don't get that. Then I talk about Jake Adams' grandmother's dripping pussy, so I make up for it.

Put your hands together for your next comedian. He goes by the name of Mike Cummings. Beyonce. Beyonce. There he is. My girlfriend lives in Washington, so I've been sending a lot of masturbation videos over the internet.

I'm 37, so I haven't been doing it very long, and there's only so many angles that I can shoot videos of my penis. But I do have a Mac, which has iMovie, which has a lot of really cool like programs for example you can shoot a movie preview like an action preview and so I shot this little action preview movie with lots of explosions and dramatic music and it was me versus my penis and she really liked that and last week I sent her a video of the shadow on the wall of me masturbating I'm running out of genres. I tried to go film noir with it, but

So if anyone is like a film student and can help me I'm not asking you to shoot me masturbating But just show me how to do it classy because she's a good girl She deserves I'm done She deserves. I'm done. That's exactly it. Fuck yeah, that's a fun area. Mixing films and masturbating.

Do you really do that? Yes, I really do that. Do you ever play with shadows? Well, I have a red wall in my room. And I was jerking off one day without the camera, and I saw the shadow looked really well-defined, and then I wanted to see if it would

actually show my stream after. Awesome. So, I saved up a couple days, and I did it, and it... She said she saved that one. So, I don't know. here's a tip to if you have an iPhone you could also like an iPhone 5s you could just yeah the slow-motion speed you could film it I think 120 frames I would say it shoots

out really slow like this little bubble you play the Benny Hill theme while you're masturbating and then when it shoots, it's crazy. Put them chariots of fire. Chariots of fire. Fuck yeah. Maybe you make a western with your masturbation films where you just have a... I do have a whole lot of them. Where you have a little cowboy hat on the tip of your penis and you're just stroking the shaft.

Morning, partner. That's quite an arty jeez you got coming out of you. Thank you, man. There's just this little swinging Western doors and just a penis comes fuck yeah googly eyes but you could buy my Michael is really cheap real fun to do it makes it you can make it look like they're puking. Are you also in a long-distance relationship? No, I just do it to all my friends. A couple people here sitting over here have seen a few of them.

If you put the googly eyes on your penis and you make them so they're googly and you take a picture, you could hashtag the video cockeyed. All right. I saw an opportunity and I took it put a little lipstick on it my wife died of cockeyed so I don't think that's appropriate

hell yeah have you ever tried to do those dick tricks where you make your dick look like a hamburger and stuff there's a website that shows you how to do all these really cool things that shit? There's like dick tricks where you can make your dick look like a hamburger and stuff Hey, very sure Like there's a website that shows you how to do all these like really cool things They can make it look like a taco or like Abraham Lincoln. I guess it's I think it's Are we talking about on video or just like no, no, no, you're belating your penis

It's it's like well It just shows you like different things you can bend them and like make like kind of like a Broadway play where Broadway play where it was all about stretching ball sacks and shit like that? Puppetry of the Penis. Is that what we're talking about? Yeah, but it's a website that breaks it down. I have a really tight sack. All right, all right, Mike. You never stop writing, do you?

I've got to get something out of this. You never stop writing, do you? I gotta get something out of this. Right. Isn't it weird when balls get sick and they get really tight and you're just like, what happened here? When what? When the balls get really tight. Sometimes you're like, oh, you can play with them and stretch them, but other times it's like a hard rock on this.

I think you have to stick your hands in. I'm pretty sure. Everybody knows what you mean yeah everybody every guy knows what you mean but oh yeah whoa we're all going yeah I know I know I know I know I know what it means I don't know why though that's the only problem but I wasn't you know the Tyson guys come here that'd be a great question for him hey Hey, astrophysicist, I have a question about my balls. She said you back stuff, like videos? Like you have like pussy puppets? Well, she's a...

No, she doesn't. She never just makes a video where her vagina's talking? She does send me a couple of them, but she's very self-conscious, and so I figure if I send her enough, I get one for every 15 maybe. Right. Why is she self-conscious? Because her pussy lips are big or something?

I don't know. I think a lot of women are self-conscious about their pussy lips. It's time to tuck it in before she takes it. That's true. Okie dokie. I could talk to this guy all day. You could be his cinematographer

for his masturbation movies. Nope, nope, nope. I find it fitting that your last name is Cummings after hearing what you talked about for a minute. That's not all I talk about, but that's what I'm working on right now. Any relation to Whitney? Not at all.

I had a feeling. She's like six inches taller than me anyway. And skinny. And funny. This is getting a little bit sad. I'm sorry. I didn't bring it up. Dom, you ever make a masturbation video

or yourself masturbate? You ever send a dick? No. I come too fast. But I think about it. Even when my dick's not hard. You can't start with material like that. After you're established, you can do it. But there's no club owner that I know, from Mike Lacey to the Ice House to Jamie to Jamie, to Mitzi, to Bud

or whoever the fuck's running these clubs. Nobody's going to go, you've got to hear this new guy with this masturbation video thing. It's a fucking movie. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I get it. You're not going to go anywhere with that. I mean, even if you get laughs, you're going to be playing C rooms. This is only a minute, though.

I know. It's not my opening bit. I know. I'm just saying that even though it's only a minute, though. I know. It's not my opening bit. I know. I'm just saying that even though it's only a minute, it's very hard. I mean, I know it's fucking hard. I'm not saying it's not a minute. But the subject matter, and I'm not as big a pig as anybody, but the subject matter, it's just not going to happen. Because the thing that's bad is only a minute. They'll judge you in that fucking minute for a couple years.

Yeah. You know what I mean? If you went into the lab factory or the comedy store on Sunday night or whatever night they have an audition and they saw that, they go, yeah, he got some lamps, but what are we going to do with him? Anyway. He's very kind of you. Love your work.

I appreciate it. No, he doesn't want to jerk you off and tell you the wrong stuff. See,, he doesn't want to jerk you off and tell you the wrong stuff. See, what I did there was a jerk you off thing because he was talking about jerking off. And again, nothing is connecting, really. This isn't exactly the top of my game right now, obviously. And now that me acknowledging it is making it weirder. And so now we're in a super deep hole.

Does anybody have any questions? Perhaps no. Mike, thank you so much. That's Mike Cummings. Perhaps you could put a detective hat on your penis and call it Dick Tracy or make Pulp Fiction reenact lines with your penis movie making for your girlfriend.

Put your phone away. Wait. Ma'am. Ma'am. I your girlfriend put your phone away wait ma'am ma'am I see you on your phone you're looking at your phone she's tweeting about how much fun she's having a kill Tony hashtag kill Tony's extra awesome tonight let's get another person up here how you guys doing you guys doing? You guys having fun? You guys are great. You get it. Good you don't pander. He's doing a callback.

Anthony Bablitz. Anthony Bablitz. How's it going? So I was in the Navy and I got a, I got a joke about that. What do you call a sperm whale covered in oil? My dick with a magnum condom on. Bang. Bang.

What's going on, Tony? One more joke I just wrote. Um, do you guys think Proactive can cure AIDS? Anyone? Anyone? That's your agent This is what I want to do I want to go get AIDS

And then in three easy payments Of $29.99 I get proactive and squirt it all over my dick That's all I got Tony three easy payments of $29.99, I get proactive and squirt it all over my dick. That's all I got, Tony. What am I at? 42? Yep.

I'm good. Yep. You're really good at knowing how long you've been on stage. Thanks. That's a special talent. You nailed that. I mean, you said 42 seconds. I looked and it said 42.

I swear to God, you fucking duped me looked and it said 42. I swear to God, you fucking duped me because your outfit and the way you walked up, I'm thinking, this kid's got something. I was so fucking wrong. That actually makes me feel good. Yeah, but I mean, you had to look and the swagger. I didn't think I was going to get called and then I did

and I didn't want to pull my phone out the whole time. And then you did. You actually interrupted yourself, which is amazing. It's true. In the beginning, you had momentum. You were so accidentally funny

for a few seconds in a row. I got a joke for you. It's awesome. What's up, Death Squad Nation? Carlos Jr. Don't get weird. Just relax, Anthony. Stay in the pocket, Anthony. Everything's going to be okay.

Do you actually do comedy or do you just want to go on stage? Red Band, seriously, I like writing jokes. I like writing jokes and then every once in a while I do them. I like having my notepad out a lot. How come you didn't say some of the jokes that you wrote?

I did two of them. I did the proactive one and the Magnum condom one was good. I liked that one. But I mean, I'm talking about jokes. I see. When I say joke, I mean something that's funny. I got to go back to the iPhone.

I got to use my notepad. Oh, you use your notepad on there? Yeah. Okay. So I tried. You know, I'm going to leave out that door. No, no, don't do that. No, Anthony.

You got something funny about you. Thanks. Yeah, that's better. By the way, that's better. That's not a half-baked compliment. Someone's going, your's better. By the way, that's better. That's not half a half-baked compliment. Someone's going, your bones are funny. You know what it is? I can tell now that my instincts were totally wrong. I thought exactly

what Don thought when you were walking up. I'm like, oh, why did I get, for no reason, I'm guessing this guy's going to be funny. And then I thought you didn't give it, I thought, oh, is it like, I don't want to comment on it if someone just doesn't, I thought maybe you didn't give a shit. I thought you were like, and then when I talked to you, obviously you do, you're like, oh, I didn't know I was going to go up. You had shit in your head.

You get up here. I get it. You never know. But I'd rather have a funny vibe about you because you can't. I got a really, really cool joke I wrote about leaving stuff in the refrigerator. A really, really cool joke? No. Double really?

But I try Tony's really cool dude I didn't know I was going to get called there's only a couple more names left about the refrigerator it's more observational comedy wait this is the really really cool joke there's something magical

about eating something and then knowing once you put it in the refrigerator you're never going to go back to it you got a fucking can of pinto beans and once you put it in the refrigerator, you're never going to go back to it. You know, you got a fucking can of pinto beans and you just put it in there and you just leave it in there for the rest of its life. That's the setup. Yeah, what part of that was the joke?

I mean, like in your head, is that a joke? I'm being serious. Is that a joke in your head? In my head, I think it's funny about leaving stuff in the refrigerator and knowing you're never going to pick it out of there. You know what? Maybe in the 80s when people started doing observational comedy, you could just point something out.

You know when you're little and you had this and the crowd's like, oh my God, we did that. But then after a while the crowd goes, okay, yeah, we remember that. Now what are you going to do with it? How are you going to talk about it? Does that make sense what I just said at all? What's the deal with the beans? I think you'll agree that of all beans,

pinto beans are the funniest. Right. I do think about it a little bit before I put it in my shit. I'm just writing it. Also, you're putting yourself in a hole saying I got a really good joke. We'll be the judge. No, don're putting yourself in a hole saying I got a really good joke. We'll be the judge.

No, you wouldn't know what I do right now if I had a loaded gun. Seriously. He goes like, shoot. We knew you wouldn't write a joke with it. What? I didn't even hear that. It's all good. Tony, are we... Are we what?

You're fine. You're going to be fine. Where do you live? You live around here? Yeah, I live in Eho. You'll go? You're fine. You're not going to do anything. Please, I don't need to live with that. I mean, it would be really good publicity for this podcast, but don't do it. That would put you on the map, wouldn't it? Hey, can I do another throwout?

What? No. Throwout? Somebody? No, no, no. Shoutout? No. No shoutout, Anthony.

Thank you so much. Anthony Babblet. He's at Dickman on Twitter. Anthony. Dickman. This is fun. We have a special guest here. Every time she's here, she does

a spot on the show. Put your hands together for her, everybody. It's Missy Martinez. So I have a really irrational fear of my teeth falling out. I have recurring stress strains, my teeth chipping, my teeth falling out. But so I decided to be proactive, and I did my research, and I found out that I have at least three to five years before the meth rots them. So that's some good news.

I was homeschooled. I was homeschooled, and I think that's a really good thing because now doing porn, I always have a bunch of guys, or I would have a bunch of guys coming up to me saying, oh, you know, I went to high school with you and now you suck dicks for money. That's really funny. So being homeschooled I only have to deal with my brother saying that. And

my dad's retired now so, you know, I try to visit him a lot. I'm a daddy's girl. And it takes a really long time to set up a date to see my dad because I apparently have a lot of dudes named Daddy in my phone contacts. Thank you guys.

Fuck yeah. I like that last one. First of all, I disqualify myself because I'm a fan. I've been watching you since I was a kid and I love your work. Especially the girl girl things. Thank you.

I'm so honored. It's so weird. You know what's weird? I'm fucking dead serious. I've watched your whole career. That is so awesome. I've watched you grow. That was his dick hand. Fuck yeah. It's so funny because Dom's being

100% true or honest right now. He met Dana D'Armond recently and he says, I can't even watch her videos now that I've met her. I couldn't jerk off to her anymore. But you, that's another story. You, I've still got a little low love for you. That's love.

That's love. I always think about, like, when you're in porn, do you ever go, that's rude. You're out of line, pal. As long as people don't think I'm fat, I'm happy. You can do whatever. You're not fat. Just don't think I'm fat. You're actually much thinner than you look on camera.

No, but I'm not saying you look... You look more voluptuous. There we go. And then we go back to the meth thing. Meth? Yeah. Anyway, you guys... Yes.

I had no idea what you said I was fucking mesmerized by her charm and beauty always fun again I love how you keep it on topic you're talking about you know what it's like coming from the porn star perspective and that's awesome and it's another funny minute

have you ever been on a porn site when they shoot a porn? one time I've never been, how about you? Kind of I mean there was no cameras but yeah What was it? Spoken word porn? Poetry of the porn?

Where were you? You said yes? Yeah, Steve Schrepper. You know Steve? Yeah, from Vegas. He goes, Dom, go upstairs. They're shooting a porn in the penthouse. It was at Riviera. And I go in, and my girlfriend, we're together. Sophie, remember Sophie?

From Montreal. Yeah. And we go in, and all we see is a girl pissing on another girl. I don't know if you do that, but there was something. The girl was like, and the other girl was fucking squirting in her face,

and it was, you know. Fun stuff. For some reason, I started doing like the Irish dance, what's it called, when you,

yeah, I don't know why I did that, but it's fucking incredible. She said jig, by the way. It's really hard to do a jig when you're masturbating, too.

The river dance. Oh. Because of the water, but it was there. Have you ever done that, the peeing thing? I have never peed on anyone, but I've had a girl pee on me. It was clearly pee, but she said it was squirt. Yeah, yeah. You can't squirt for like 30 seconds.

No, it was a full horse stream of piss. Oh, yeah. You can't squirt for like 30 seconds. No, it was a full horse stream of piss. Oh, wow. Do you mind asking where it hit you? Oh, all over my face. All over your face? All over my face. Did you taste it? Yeah, I got a mouthful of piss.

Do you remember the name of this video? Just in case some nut would want to look it up we actually got to keep flying thank you so much missy Martinez she's on Twitter missy X Martinez missy X Martinez ladies and gentlemen always fun missy X more to the way you said that you were important but you didn't mention it like you said something about porn but you got a you have to actually say it first. You're assuming they knew that.

They don't. Just a tech note. It's true. It's a good note. Shame on these fucks for not noticing. And I noticed. I didn't want to say anything. Your next young lady, a regular on the show. She started stand-up comedy

here on this show. Dropped out of college to keep fulfilling her newfound stand-up comedy career built completely in the past year. Put your hands together for the very funny Kimberly Congdon. Here she is. What's up, guys?

Yeah, Tony mentioned that I dropped out of college to do stand-up. And I feel like that's become, like, my name now. Like, that's what people know me about. But I don't want to be known as that, you know? I want to be someone that influences people. I want to be different. I want to be unique like everyone else, you know? So I want to give some advice to you guys that I've thought of and written down.

All right, ready? Ladies, don't cry because it's over. Smile because you got off. When life gives you lemons, complain because you're American. I think that if women want to stop being raped, they should just wear underwear that says, you're it. All right, guys. Eleanor Roosevelt said, do one thing every day that scares you. That's why I wake up, I turn off the alarm, and I sleep for five more minutes.

There you go, Kimberly Congdon. I was just trying some stuff out. Yeah, that's definitely very experimental. Is that alright? I've never seen you pull out a piece of paper before. I've seen you do 44 different one-minute sets, and that's a new one. Sometimes it's hard to think of the same thing

after a new minute every week. No, absolutely And that's a new one. Sometimes it's hard to think of the same thing after, you know, a new minute every week. No, absolutely. That's a hard thing. I wouldn't do any of that ever again. Do you want to hear my last one? I had one more. If you love something, let it go.

If it comes back, get it STE tested because he was probably having fun during that break. Ah. You know what my favorite line was? About being unique like everybody else. he tested because he was probably having fun during that break. Ah. You know what my favorite line was? About being unique like everybody else? That's a brilliant line. And the thing is, she didn't get a laugh on it because the audience's program did not

think these guys are good. No offense, but I understand it. But that was a fucking classic line. Thank you. Whenever you take, we were talking about that once, when you had a comedian that has, maybe

use Mitch Hedberg for an example, and then when he would be on the weekend shows early in his career, he would be early in his career where the audience didn't know who he was, and when he did the weekends, they would get more laughs, because they thought, well, this guy's on 300 people, sold out, but on the open mic nights when I saw him once a crowd would be like it would be a sort of a weird and they

would go like it would just be they would be overly analyzing instead of just yeah I'm sorry I'm gonna call my that's great I don't know what the kill Kenny we had a tribute to Mitch this this last summer it was so fucking cool excuse me I don't mean to take from your time we it was so cool you guys know Mitch Eber yeah we had a tribute to him he's a dear friend of mine and we we did we had the Irish comedians reading his jokes was so fucking funny you know it's like every every time I play tennis no matter how good I get, I realize I'll never be as good as the wall. I can't do the accent.

Kimberly, thank you so much. That's Kimberly Congdon. She's Kimberly Congdon on Twitter. Congdon. C-O-N-G-D-O-N. Kimberly Congdon on Twitter. Kimberly! And your final comedian of the night, as we unfortunately are running out of time,

is our other regular, Sarah Wine. I was thinking about peanuts the other day. Really hard to just shell a peanut. By the time the shell's off, I don't even want to eat it. It's completely over it. It's a huge to-do. I think that people eat them at baseball games, because baseball games are so boring and they need an activity for taking.

So then they have peanuts because it's like an activity and a snack. Why do they say small people are the size of a peanut? Like, that guy's so small, he's like a little peanut. There's things that are smaller than peanuts, like lentils. No one's talking about lentils. Why are we just talking about peanuts? Why is everyone so allergic to peanuts? I think that pistachios, guys,

I think pistachios, guys, I think pistachios, guys, they're peanuts for the affluent. All right. That's my time. That's fun. She has a defined style where she really delves into the little things. I never expected her to branch off into pistachios.

Where do you get your balls, kid? That's fun. Yeah. You did it again. These girls write a new minute every week. Isn't that crazy? They add up. Yeah.

Well, unfortunately, we've run out of time, Sarah. I've got to be able to do this better I feel like I'm not offering a lot I'm just having a good time No, that's great, we did fine Sarah, thank you so much, that's great Good job, Sarah It's true, baseball's boring Even the only other thing is

Cracker Jacks, and they give you a prize Maybe there's something in that about the baseball thing There's peanuts and Cracker Jacks. Pistachios are for the affluent? Yeah, that's great. That's definitely the payoff there. If somebody's allergic to peanuts, fuck them. They shouldn't go out.

We're not going to live our lives because of these fucking peanut allergies. I'm trying to write something for you. I don't know. And there's peanuts in Cracker Jacks too, right? So people that are allergic to peanuts are basically allergic to baseball.

Maybe not. Alright, guys. Did you ever make peanut butter? No. In my mouth. By chewing peanuts? I just put a bunch of peanuts in there. I put peanut butter in my mouth.

Did you ever make peanut butter? Did you inject your ass in it? We have run out of time, ladies and gentlemen. I had so much fun here tonight with you guys. Todd Glass, you're Todd Glass. Thank you very much. On Twitter. Do you have anything coming out that you want to promote?

I'll be at the Comedy Bar in Toronto the 11th and 12th of this April and then I'll be at the comedy cabaret in Bucks County the 25th and 26th. High Top Pocos Restaurant. You better give me a free goddamn burrito when I get there. When does this go up? Next week. Next week I'll be at

by the time it comes up I'll be at Raleigh at Good Nights. Great Club. Even better now that Helium took it over. I'll be in Sydney, Australia and Perth, Australia. Oh, that's great. Follow these guys. You know what I want you to listen to if you get a chance? I have a podcast called Dom Rarer Live from the Laugh Factory.

Jesse May Peluso. You know where Peluso? Fucking hilarious. He's really brilliant. Check out me and Tony. We were both on that podcast. The lovely Courtney Mollet, ladies and gentlemen,

was the Patriot. She killed it. Follow her on Twitter at Margaret Mollet. A little misdirect for you. Margaret M-O-L-L-E. Of course, Kimberly Congdon, Sarah Weinshank. I'm sorry we gave you guys short time tonight. I got one last piece I was going to give out.

It's just a stupid little thing, but sometimes it's always a good habit to get out of saying at one point, how's it going or what's up, right? It's true. It's not a big deal. It's not like the end of the world, but that's what comedy is. It's stupid teeny little things. But once it's in your head, you go, oh, yeah, I'll be aware of that.

Just do the first joke. You know what? I remember I said it because you know how I remember? I was working in Philadelphia at the Comedy Works and I just remember for whatever reason guys like Jerry Seinfeld

and Jay Leno, they would come into the club on the weekends and someone said, well, they're headlining and they don't have to say it. But a lot of us went, no, I think we could all do that.

They would just go to the mic and I remember me and my friends noticing it. They would just walk to the mic and do their first joke and I was like, oh, fuck. I never thought

it seemed so empowering. And then I stopped getting out of the habit of going, how you doing? Especially when you're on a night when 15 comedians are asking you. Right. You know, some guys figure it out, but others just watch. How you doing? How you doing? And then they go up there.

They're like, yeah, I'll do it too. You know? I think we all learned something here tonight. Thank you guys so much. I'm so glad to hear that the 35-second guy with his 25 seconds at the end would have been. I've always wondered. Thanks for having us on, brother. Thank you, guys.

Thank you, live audience, for coming out. We'll see you guys again soon. See ya. So take it and check yourself before you wreck yourself. So take it and check yourself before you wreck yourself. Come on and check yourself before...