KILL TONY - KILL TONY #447 – QUARANTINED #2

Episode Date: March 27, 2020

David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Joel Jimenez, Jessie Johnson, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – Date: 03/23/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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See app for details. Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions to the shows. You could also click on tour dates to find out where we're at next. We have a bunch of new shows being rescheduled every day, so check it out. I know that Miami, Florida is going to be July 31st through August 1st. Then we have Skankfest Houston. It's been moved to September 25th through the 26th. Then we have Kill Tony Mania. It returns to Sacramento October 14th and 15th. San Francisco for Kill Tony Mania 16th, 17th, and 18th. And then Tacoma, Washington has been moved October 30th through the 31st.

Go to deathsquad.tv and click on tour dates for the latest updates. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. That's the official website of Tony Hinchcliffe and he has tour dates and he has some merch there. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He drew the book. He has some posters and he has a huge sale going on right now. So go to RyanJEbeltbelt.com and last but not least shop squad.tv that's the official merchandise of the death squad universe and he also have the kill tony shirt there go to shop squad.tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony Hey, this is Red Band coming to you alive from Better Box Studios for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Here's Tony Henscliff. Hey, I'm right here. Hi, everybody. Good to be here a social distance away. It's Red Band, everybody. Exciting stuff. As you can already see, I do believe they can already see, the band

is here, ladies and gentlemen. The great Jeremiah Watkins, Jesse Jetski Johnson, and the great Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. What an exciting time. We are deep in quarantine. The band, obviously not characters tonight,

just themselves some of the wackiest characters that there are anyway life is good business is booming we are live out of Better Box Studios here the great Gino letting us camp out on a Monday

beautiful studio beautiful times we love Better Box. This episode's also brought to you by Damn Good Candle Company. Go to damngoodco.com damngoodco.com Get yourself a great smelling candle. Check out

Speedweed, of course, for all your marijuana distribution needs in all the legal places. And shout out to Go Girl Energy Drink. Just one of the finest energy drinks there are. Made for women, enjoyed by men all around the world. Hey, if you work for Go Girl, please get in touch with us because we have a super fan here that orders it every week,

gets it shipped to him, and he's a guy. And he's the man. That's Gino. And we are out of the amazing BetterBox studios today. A lot of fun stuff we have planned for you. And I am excited about it. And in the meanwhile, I can make an announcement. Everyone that bought a ticket in Miami to Kill Tony, your ticket just got automatically transferred to July 31st and August 1st. These dates are getting rescheduled, people.

It's a beautiful Miami, Florida. We're going to be one of those buffoons on the beach. Maybe not Red Band on the beach. He'll be at the hotel. But we are going to be in Miami July 31st and August 1st as of right now. And should we break some news? I didn't even tell you guys about this. You're about to watch everybody get some breaking news.

Kill Tony Mania is coming back to San Francisco, and the road to Kill Tony Mania is coming back to Sacramento. If civilization still exists in October, we will be there. The 14th and 15th in Sacramento. The Road to Kill Tony Mania. Those shows were a blast. 2019. And San Francisco. The 16th, 17th, and the 18th this year.

Five Kill Tony Manias out of San Francisco. One show on the Sunday. Two on Friday. Two on Saturday. What are you guys laughing about over there? I can't remember why his eyes went. Why? We're going to stop for 10 seconds

and then come back. We just have to change one setting. Okay. What are you worried about? Just wait one sec. I'll ask him again. What are you worried about? Not a worry.

It's more just like, whoa, it's expanding. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Five characters is really... Oh, yeah. Five characters, there's really, like... Oh, yeah. Well, there you go. So we're doing five at Cobb's?

We're doing five at Cobb's. Two at Sacramento. Five? Keep telling him news, Tony. We did four. We did four the last two years. One more on a Sunday. Is that enough to pop your guys' eyeballs out of his sockets?

Yes, one more show. So yes, we're doing five. News that makes you go. I guess so. And you know that fifth one's probably going to sell out and we're going to add a second one, so it's going to be six, probably. At least. I'm surprised that you guys are surprised.

If you guys would like to do less shows or go home, feel free. I mean, you don't have to if you don't want to. We're just going to do one every day for a week. Well, actually, it's better to do it this way because then we'll have a bunch stockpiled. Do you think that we're driving home that Sunday? Should we prep now? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, might as well. My guess is yes. Since we only have one show, my guess is yes. Since we only have one show, my guess is yes. The only thing I would worry about is anybody not getting a little too drunky pie or roofing themselves down there in San Francisco. Definitely not going to do that. That was a horrible night. Yeah, especially for the people that were responsible and had to just sit around and try to make the best of it. But that's old news anyway.

Are we back online? Yeah. Are we on the internet? More fun stuff happening. Ryan J. E. Belt is drawing tonight's episode from home, and we are going to be checking in with him at the end of this episode to see what he ended up drawing. Everything at ryanjebelt.com, including all the amazing road posters and prints of every single episode are available at RyanJEBelt.com.

He's an unbelievable artist. Everything is on sale right now, and it's an exciting time for that. Very fun stuff. And a lot of people are online nowadays. That seems to be the big thing. And what part of our online searches does the government have a right to know about? That's a great question. I know that we all look at, we've asked people and we found out a lot of people look at some suspicious porn.

People are into wild things. Red Band, you do a lot of the chat things and nudie cam things. Nudie cam things. Nudie cam things. I'mie cam nudie cam grandfather okay boomer but the answer the answer is none of the above the government doesn't have a right to know anything you do and if you have express vpn yeah they cannot see anything without express vpn's protection though hackers governments ad companies and isps all have full access to your data. I don't want them using my web history or video searches against me.

That's why I use ExpressVPN every time I go online. ExpressVPN encrypts and reroutes your web traffic to any number of countries, keeping you safer and secure. Download the ExpressVPN app, click to connect, and boom, you're protected. With ExpressVPN, you can make it seem like you're browsing from a whole different country. Click to connect and boom, you're protected. With ExpressVPN, you can make it seem like you're browsing from a whole different country. So you can watch Netflix library in the world, anywhere in the world. Yeah, you can watch pretty much if they don't have like a – I've been using a VPN for a long time, Tony.

It's great because a lot of times when you're like at the airport or anywhere public, you're opening up your phone to anybody that knows what they're doing. They can go in your phone, take some photos. A lot of times you want to watch a video, but it's restricted to a different country. What a VPN does is it pretty much makes it seem like you're surfing, say like you're in Los Angeles. You can make it look like that you're in Canada. So you can access all of Canadians' websites. It hides your location is the most important thing. It makes it secure. So if you're ever using a free Wi-Fi or Starbucks Wi-Fi, or if you just want to, you know, look at different videos throughout the world, I highly recommend using a VPN. Throughout the railroad, indeed. ExpressVPN is the fastest VPN I've tried,

costs less than $7 per month, and comes with a 30-day money-back guarantee. It's time to stop governments and internet companies from keeping tabs on your data. Take back your online privacy like I did with ExpressVPN. Protect your online activity today and find out how you can get three months free at ExpressVPN.com slash Kill Tony. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N dot com slash Kill Tony for three months free with a one-year package. Visit ExpressVPN.com slash Kill Tony to learn more. Hide your nudie cam history with ExpressVPN. That is correct. Absolutely doodly.

And something else fun that I stumbled across over this week of having a lot of spare time is something for you Kill Tony fans out there that might not know about this. Maybe you've become a fan recently, but I stumbled across episodes two 24 to two 36 are all in three 60 VR. So I don't have the whole VR goggle set up like red band does. However, I do have an iPad that I use a lot and it's incredible. You take your iPad on the YouTube app and you can spin it around. So if you miss the feeling of having a live audience right there with you, you can spin your iPad around and remember what it was like back in

the day when you used to be able to be in it with a group of people out in public. You haven't got VR yet. Yeah, no. That's, I highly recommend it. It's so fun. You can even watch movies in VR. You can just lay in your bed and it looks like you're in a huge outdoor drive-in. You can lay in your bed and watch movies. Some fun

episodes those were with Ron White, Tom Segura. A lot of fun VR episodes. You can spin it around. If you have VR, you can do that. If you have an iPad, you can try it. I'm in one of those, out of the bucket. Oh, you're in one of those episodes. Wow. With Tom Segura.

Look at that. Back before the jet ski hit the water. So yeah, exciting times. Next week we're going to try a little experiment. This is a big announcement for all of you Kill Tony fans that maybe have always wanted to try a minute on this show. We're going to try try a little experiment send in what you think would be your minute on stage that you would do to videotape it send it into this email g-a-g-e at 2083group.com. Gage, G-A-G-E at 2083group.com.

Is that correct? Is that the right email? And make sure in the heading, this is very important or else it gets deleted, you put Kill Tony Minute and your name. So one more time. Kill Tony Minute and your name in the heading, G-A-G-E at 2083group.com. And if it's not a minute, he's just going to delete it. So don't just send anything.

Don't waste his time. It's got to be a minute or slightly less. And make sure you put Keltonie Minnett in your name. Jeremiah Watkins. Now, I have a question for those submitting, Tony. Yeah.

Is it a minute that they're filming in their own living room, or is it a minute that they can be chopped from a stand-up show that they did? What is the requirements? No, I think they have to do a minute in their living room. And, yeah. I mean, yeah, that sounds about right.

You got it. Thanks, Jeremiah. Asking the questions nobody was wondering. Actually. Here's my set on HBO. Thanks, Whitney. The logic behind that. All right.

So, heck yeah, we're going to have some fun here tonight. This episode is for us to enjoy ourselves for a couple hours and take our minds off of a global pandemic. Huge shout out, by the way, to Vito's Pizza, keeping us filled even in quarantines. Nothing can stop Vito's Pizza. Our boy Charlie brings us unbelievable pizza every episode of the show, including here live at Better Box Studios.

Make sure in this quarantine that those of you in the Los Angeles area go to Vito'sPizza.com, something like that. Go to Vito's Pizza on the internet and order a pizza from there. You've got to order it from somewhere. They have guys working hard delivering all the time. And Vito's Pizza is legit. If you check the Barstool app, they got in the eights. I mean, that's impossible for a scoring.

And let me tell you something. Pizza out here in Southern California absolutely sucks. A lot of people give these other pizza companies credit. I hate every single pizza company that there is that I've tried in LA except for Vito's. They're the only one I believe in. Full Hinchcliffe endorsement there for Vito's Pizza.

I've been a fan of Vito's since before they were a sponsor, Tony. Wow! I used to work in downtown LA. I drove in the rain from downtown LA to the location in West Hollywood. One of the best slices you're going to get. There you go. You know, and Joel knows food. I mean, this is the only guy that didn't get food poisoning when we went to Europe.

So no one knows food better than Joel. He also drinks puddles. There you go. So let's just jump right into tonight's show. I've lined up a few special guests that are going to phone in and talk with us and communicate with us. And perhaps we're going to get started here with a bang with one of the queens of coronavirus. She's been on the show numerous times. Everybody knows her and loves her. We're going to wait a second for that. Beautiful. How13 is all 13 ready and queued up you think

we're going to wait on that beautiful that oh okay all right perfect so um all right well that's great that's beautiful so we're up and running oh great i just remembered that i had one more announcement that i missed so that's actually perfect we do have two episodes of the normal show from ventura that we have uh stockpiled one's coming out tomorrow and uh we're gonna sort of lag on the release of that other one um just so that we can sort of space it out we don't want you guys doing all your fucking party we're gonna have fresh fresh stuff yeah usually the audio comes first and then the video so check out not only our us on iTunes, but also on our YouTube page. What did you do all week?

Because I noticed you were kind of radio silent the whole week. I'm enjoying being radio silent. I'm pretty much staying away from social media. I'll check in every once in a while. And, you know, just basically really, really relaxing for the first time in absolutely forever. You know, I am a huge fan of documentaries and film, and I've just been getting back to

my roots of absorbing art before and having nothing to kick it back out on. You actually look well rested. You actually look like you've slept. Wow, I do? You usually have little bags on your eyes, but those are completely gone well you know what that's because uh we have another sponsor that we're going to talk about

next week no i'm kidding i haven't used anything you're right i've just been sleeping and uh it turns out that my uh my fun uh life of living my dreams every single night until 3 a.m at the comedy store has come to a screeching halt everyone yes turns out normal life fucking sucks no I'm kidding I'm having the time of my life which reminds me I wrote down a few things that I wanted to recommend to people you know why not Tiger King is out just absorb the hell out of that in a day and a half highly recommend it. And if you haven't seen McMillion, Succession, and Ozark,

Ozark dropping their third season. Jeremiah, are you an Ozark guy? Nope, never seen it. Wow. It's good.

It's great. I recommend Debs and Westworld. Westworld? The new season of Westworld. I just re-watched A Bronx Tale,

great movie. Oh! Bronx Tale's great. So good. I just watched Moulin Rouge. Ew,. Bronx Tale is great. So good. I just watched Moulin Rouge. Ew, that does not hold up. That did not hold up. This was the deal.

I got to watch Hobbs and Shaw if I watched Moulin Rouge. That's what being married is like. I just recently watched it, and I was a Moulin Rouge fan, and it did not hold up for me. I thought it was horrible. You were a fan? I loved Moulin Rouge. Dude, I liked it. It hold up for me. I thought it was horrible. You were a fan? I loved Moulin Rouge. Dude, I liked it.

It was a great soundtrack. He thought it was Moulin Rouge. He thought there was an Asian girl in it, so he watched it. I'll make a man out of you. Oh, my God. How about Succession? You a Succession guy, Jeremiah?

Uh-uh. Yep. These are all things you guys have to get into. I mean, I watch watch i try to i give everything a chance and then the second it sucks i'm out these are all things that are absolutely foolproof these are undeniable shows at levels that a normal person would say breaking bad and the sopranos like these are shows that are with those shows they have have the Mighty Ducks series on HBO? Nope. See? That's dog shit. You absorb a bunch of dog shit. You're a grown adult.

Yeah, grown adult. They're good movies. No, we're not. And Wild Tales. Wild Tales is only available on YouTube and Amazon at a cost of $3.99. It's an Argentinian anthology feature movie for those of you that actually like cinema and movies and art.

But for $3.99, you absolutely can't beat it. Nobody knows about it. That's a Tony Hinchcliffe homework super bonus. I've seen it. Great movie. Wild Tales. T-A-L-E-S. Go watch Hoyler Gracie vs. Eddie Bravo. Go watch DuckTales. I recommend the Gummy Bears.

1983 animated series. I re-watched Contagion. Oh my God. Why would you do that? That wasn't even a good movie. People are watching bad movies about disease. Contagion? Out of nowhere.

Star-studded cast. Is it? No, not Morgan Freeman. Yeah, Morpheus is in it. I watched Outbreak today. Morpheus is in it? Yeah, Morpheus is in it. Cate Blanchett.

Gwyneth Paltrow. Who else is in it? Sounds awful. Noett, Gwyneth Paltrow. Who else is it? Sounds awful. No. It sounds horrible. Is A1 ready, you think? I think Jennifer Aniston's in it. Wow, huh?

Yeah, star-studded. Good movie, though. But pretty chilling. Wow. Interesting. Oh, yeah, Matt Damon. Matt Damon. Matt Damon.

He's like the star of it. Well, one of the stars. Oh, Jude Law. Matt Damon. Matt Damon. He's like the star of it. Well, one of the stars. Oh, Jude Law's in it. Interesting. Interesting, interesting stuff. Well, that's fun. And yeah, absolutely doodly. Let's go to the bucket and take a question from one of our fans

while we wait for our first guest, Colin. If we can't get to A1, you can try D5. Beautiful. Beautiful. Craziest experience on the road. Since you've been with the squad the shortest, Jesse, while the rest of us think, I'm going to let you go first,

since you've only been on one road gig with us, Swansea and Kill Tony Mania. I'm going to let you go first. But I feel like I know the answer, right? With Kill Tony Mania? Oh, no. Swansea? With the limo? Yeah.

I mean, that's one of my craziest experiences on the road the limo and the lobster it was just like we might as well have been wearing monocles the entire time and a free hot choccy have we talked about it that we took a limousine through the McDonald's drive-thru I think I may have mentioned that last week

the limo was so long the driver couldn't hear what Tony was saying he had to keep going what I can't hear you because it was The limo was so long, the driver couldn't hear what Tony was saying. He had to keep going, what? I can't hear you because the limo was so long. They just closed all the McDonald's in the UK. Yikes. Isn't that crazy? The London Bridge is falling

down. They're calling the UK. Brian, we went to McDonald's in Australia together, right? Were you there? The best adventures are the ones we share. So explore together with the 2023 Defender 130, featuring increased cargo capacity and room for eight adults. With unstoppable off-road capability, excellent on-road dynamics, 21st century connectivity, and luxury interiors, you'll be capable of great things. The 2023 Defender 130.

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A message from the Government of Canada.ca slash IEC. A message from the Government of Canada. Hey, look at this, ladies and gentlemen. Michael Lehrer is joining us live. Michael, can you hear us all right? Hey! Are you getting sound from Michael? You guys got it in your headphones?

Can we get it in the speaker? Hold on, Michael. We're trying to get sound for you. Everything's good. How about now? Hey, you have sound? You sure it's not my fault? Oh my God! God keeps kicking me in the dick. Oh, look, I want to make plans for my afterlife, all right? I don't want to be cremated. I want to be half and half. A lot of my kids are lactose intolerant. All right? And also, please make sure my tombstone reads,

what a waste ever using condoms. Shouldn't want raw dog every time. What a waste. Came. And look, make sure all my organs are donated to science. Not all of them, just my huge cock. I want to pay it forward to a healthy, yes, small cock person. What side do you want to get cremated?

Do you want your top half or your bottom half? Top half. Let the third leg swing, baby. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Michael Lair coming in guns a-blazin'. Oh, my God. It's awful.

I miss going to comedy open marks they're a great place to get advice on food stamp fraud My social security barely covered my needs, so I'm going to start drug running. My chair only goes seven and a half miles per hour, so FYI, that's how fast your drugs will be wrong. Wow. Slow weed over here instead of speed weed. Are you all stocked up? Do you have all those things you need? Toilet paper, pee bags, whatever you need?

No. I have nothing. I have nothing. I have nothing. But it's all right. Look, I'm going to make sure that I still get through pilot season, even in the pandemic. I have several self-tapes to do. I'd like to practice right now.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Do you want to run some self-tape auditions? Go right ahead, Michael. Yeah, I'm doing... All right. This first one is for a spin-off to This Is Us. It's called This Be Them.

Oh, wow. And everyone in this show is in a wheelchair. It's going to make history. Wow. All right. All right, here comes the self-tape read from michael lehrer for the movie this be them hey if we're all in the wheelchair and can't walk it's like we all can walk. As seen. Thank you.

All right. This next one. This next one is for the reboot of Blossom. Oh, wow. There's a rebooting Blossom? Yeah. It's called Flowered. Oh, okay.

And what role are you reading for in this, Michael? I play the neighbor with Down syndrome. Oh, okay, perfect. All right. Let's see the read. All right. Yeah,

I took care of the baby. I know how to take care of babies. I am one more. Thank you. Oh, my God. All right, what's the third one? It's a reboot of the Cosby show.

Oh, okay. This is good. Yeah. It's called Prison Break. Oh, wow. All right. I'm playing inmate in wheelchair number five. All right, beautiful.

Here's the read, Michael Lehrer, for wheelchair person number five. Well, Mr. Cosby, I think there has to be a road to redemption for everybody. Man, I'm feeling sleepy. I see. Wow. Oh, man. That one felt the best. wow wow you I would book you for all three

of those roles and no one knows roles more than a man in a wheelchair I do Michael I fucking love you you holding up all right through all this yeah i like it because um i've been living the plague life for years and years so this is normal

hell yeah yeah and especially since the weather has been so bad in southern california i haven't even noticed there's a plague yet yeah it is crazy how absolutely horrible the weather has been in los angeles it was 35 the other day it's march the. The temperature is one thing, but I mean, I wouldn't even mind that if there was sunshine. There'll be like a glimpse of sunshine for a minute and then like an hour later, just a downpour. It's like the Truman Show. It's like the weather's trying to keep us in, too.

Yeah. There's some mystical going on. Yeah, it really is. There's some, right? I, it really is. It's all right. I like it, though. You know, everyone gets a taste of my medicine

for a while. You're damn right, Michael. How you been doing? You all stocked up on weed? You have enough weed to survive for a little bit? Yeah, I'm good on weed? You have enough weed to survive for a little bit? Yeah, I'm good on weed, but my nurse-like girlfriend,

she only bought me 12 beers. And those went real quick. Well, you could order it from Postmates, you know. Michael, I'm going to drop you off something tomorrow. I'll drop you off some beer and wine tomorrow. I'll come by. I'll drop you off some beer and wine tomorrow. I'll come by.

I'll text you. All right, awesome. That definitely won't be happening, but I appreciate it. No, I promise. I'll do it. I'll be there. No, for sure. We'll make sure that you get some rolling rock. I can use some Clydesdales, like for the Budweiser. What the hell?

He's talking about the Budweiser Clydesdales, their horses. Yeah, exactly. You know, 12 packs of Corona are 11 cents right now. So they're not doing too good. Bullshit. I went to the 7-Eleven. The Corona fucking spritz seltzers. They're charging full price for that. I thought they would at least be a discounted price.

Everything's regular price, I noticed, because there's nothing left. Yeah. And people got to get that money somehow. Well, grocery stores must be making a shitload of money right now. Michael, is there anything else we should know about until we see you again next week? I'm just happy to be a break

from the comedy show because it's fun but I think Sam Tripoli has been hazing me. Bro. How's he been hazing me. Bro. How's he been hazing you?

Well, he'll go, hey, come do our show. And I'm like, what date or time? And he'll be like, see you then. And then I go, no, no sam i'm in the wheelchair and i have to plan better and they'll go catch you later michael and then i'll show up and you'll go why are you here so early? Yeah, that's Sam for you. He's a wild one. He's a great leader, though, amongst all of us.

He's a great big brother to everybody, keeps an eye on everyone. First guy to ever take me on my first road gig. Me too. No shit. Yeah, took me down to La Jolla with him just to do little five-minute sets almost 13 years ago. Holy cow. Damn right. All right, Michael, well, we love you, pal. We're going to check back in with you next week, and we will see you soon.

Stay powerful. All right, thanks, guys. Love you too. Bye-bye. There goes guys. Love you, too. Bye-bye. There goes the great Michael Lair, everybody. And now we're going to switch things up a bit. Out of all the great cast members, there's been a lot of amazing characters that have joined the band over the years. We've joined the band over the years, and we actually were lucky enough to be able to book one via teleconference, I believe is the word, video conferencing.

We are going to go live with the great Kid Rock, everybody. Kid, are you there? Wow, here he is. It's Kid Rock. My name is Kid! Kid Rock! It's Kid Rock. My name is Kid! Kid Rock! Wow, Kid Rock. You have an entire audience of people behind you.

Are you still performing live? Yeah, man. Still performing, brother. Yeah. Oh, my goodness gracious. Yeah, me and some of my closest friends here in Fort Wayne, Indiana. My God. I mean, your fans, literally. They friends here in Fort Wayne, Indiana. My God. I mean, your fans literally. They're rabid. Look at them. I mean, that's incredible that you can still get a huge audience.

Your fan base is so loyal, they literally ignore pandemics to come and see you. Loyal to the soil, loyal to be foiled. You know what I'm saying, brother? I actually really don't understand what you're saying at all. Yeah, man. Wow. So, kid, how is this pandemic? Dude, I've had coronavirus for two weeks, brother.

How do you know? What are your symptoms? All of them. Yeah. Yeah. All of them? I threw your picture away. My god, Kid Rock. Hey, calm down back there. Yeah, they are really excited.

It's amazing that you would make that audience wait while you talk to us. You look like you've been hanging out with the Tiger King, dude. Yeah. You do. You look like that. Like that, dude. Oh. Well, yeah, I'm a big fan of the big cat family, man.

Panthers, Jaguars, Tigers. Pussies. Lions, and yeah. Man, shut up. Let me do this, man. You have a weird fan base. Look at the front row behind you. You have a black lady dressed up for church or something.

Yeah, we got one of them. You got one black lady? My goodness. Wow. They are patiently waiting for you. It appears as though you've made everybody wear. They have breathing masks, but they are all on their chest. They don't even have them on right now.

What is that? Those things on their chest. They're little boxes? Oh, those are defibrillators because i gave everybody in the audience coronavirus rock and roll for sure my friend yeah my goodness so have you been uh still hooking up with chicks normal after party life for you oh yeah i mean i haven't seen cheryl crow here in a little bit but yeah you know chicks are a little bit weird about tinder right now and stuff like that because you know they don't want me coming over their house and stuff bringing in the coronavirus

and stuff like that wow my god so yeah let's just say i'm hitting a little bit of a dry spell right now tony oh but you look better than ever for having coronavirus i mean i see your abs there wow they just appeared once i said you look better than ever, magically the abs came out. My goodness gracious, you have pectoral muscles. Wow, look at them move. Yeah, man. I've been lifting a lot

lately, man. Ah, man! American badass! Oh my god. It's pretty cool, man. Hey, you want any of my cassette tapes? I got like a truckload of them, man. Yeah, I'd actually love some cassette tapes. I will take anything from you, Kid Rock.

That sounds like an incredible adventure, just to have cassette tapes from Kid Rock. I've been a fan for a long time. And I have nothing to play them on, but I will totally take cassette tapes from you. Heck yeah. Any concert you want to come to, you're VIP, Tony. I love that. Well, thank you so much, and I'm totally going to take you up on that offer without a doubt.

My goodness. Kid Rock, do you have any older family members that you've been in contact with that might be in danger? I killed my nana. Wait, what? You killed your n be in danger? I killed my Nana! Wait, what? You killed your Nana? Yeah, I killed my Nana. I didn't know how serious this thing was,

and then I went over there, and she fixed me some warm apple pie, and I coughed just because I had something in my throat, and then, yeah, she ended up dying from the rona real quick after that. Oh, wow. My goodness. Oh, we had a little bit of an audience there. didn't like that one oh my goodness they're turning on me wow my mom's a huge fan could you do a shout out to kim johnson in arizona

hey what's up kim johnson i'll eat your pussy any night, any time of day. I love you. Straight up. Your daughter's great. Wow. Got a big crowd reaction there. They didn't move much, but they appear to be. Oh, wait a second. Kid Rock, who are these people? Oh, these are my friends. How did you do that?

Don't worry about that. How'd you do that? Don't worry about that. I forgot to tell you, years ago when I was a little boy, people asked me if I could have one mutant superpower, what would it be? And I said Nightcrawler, and guess what? That wish came true. I just teleported, y'all. This is actually, okay.

Is that Foghorn or leghorn, dude? Man, shut up, dude. You keep stepping on me over here, man. Who the hell are you, man? I keep hearing this, dude. I can only see Tony where I'm at right now. Oh, sorry. I'm stepping on Darius's beard over there. That's Darius?

Yeah, that's Darius right there. That's Darius. And then that's Curtis right there, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's Curtis and that's Darius right there. How long have you known these guys for? Oh, man, they raised me just like in Mowgli and Jungle Book. The wolves raised them.

These were my two wolves, man. That one guy looks younger than you, though, on the right. Man, time is just a construct. Yeah, this is pretty wild, man. So that guy next to you appears to be... Uh-oh, he's getting out. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.

I don't know where the hell they... He took your hat. They just got way bigger. I mean, wait, I haven't even shrunk myself. What's going on here? I think Darius is trying to say something to you. He's grabbing your butt. Oh, wait, What's going on here? I think Darius is trying to say something to you. He's grabbing your butt. Oh, wait, what's going on here?

Oh, my goodness. Darius. Darius. What's he saying? He's behind you. Darius. Oh, he's looking right at you. Darius.

Yeah. Do you have anything to tell me? Oh, he's just sweating a stick. What the? Well, Kid Rock, this is... Oh, they're laughing at you. Oh, no. Are you farting?

He's laughing. I think they're able to hear the... Oh, wait, is this guy having sex with me? What's going on here? Oh, man, get it out of there, man. Come on, Curtis. What are you doing, man? Get out of there.

I just performed in front of a live concert. What are you doing, man? Oh, this party's out of control. This is wild, man. My God, you really are like the Tiger King after all that. Detroit! My goodness. Well, Kid Rock, thanks for conferencing in.

Always a pleasure. Nobody rocks harder than you, pal. You're a big part of the Kill Tony band. Having you on any time is always a pleasure. It was a pleasure to be here. Thank you so much for having me on Kill Tony tonight. God bless America. Wow. There he goes. The great Kid Rock, everybody.

Representing America. Look at that. Incredible. Wow. This is Kill Tony under quarantine. Completely breaking our normal format. This guy, wait.

This guy's out of control. That's what I thought William's dad looked like. Wow. Incredible. Kid Rock. I mean, I bet not a lot of podcasts have Kid Rock showing up on them that's just the type of that is just the type of exciting stuff

that we have happening on this show and yeah he looked like Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain combined yep beautiful L13's locked in I'm going to wait to see if Jeremiah comes back

before that what? I did that I never listen to you what joke was it? he looks like Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love at the same time I thought it was an original thought

that girl that was on stage she was like an older lady very interesting I remember the stage It was an original thought when I said it. Remember that girl that was on stage, though? She was like an older lady. Oh, yeah, yeah. Very interesting. Oh, yeah. I remember the stage. Beautiful.

Beautiful stuff. Shout out to our friends who are helping us with this over here at Better Box Studios. Hell, yeah. This is great. Gage Tyrena and the unbelievable Macaulay Culkin, everyone. That's what he's up to now. Follow them on social media. Gage Tyrena. G-A-G-E T-I-J-E-R-I-N-A

and at strange taste underscore. Jeremiah, where were you? All one word. Strange taste underscore. I just had some Vito's pizza. It was great. What happened? Jeremiah had a bite to eat. Kid Rock joined the show you missed

him the legendary kid rock oh man he's one of my favorites on the show hear that that's the sound of waves crashing on a beach and that that's the sound of ice clinking in your favorite drink the secret to making your retirement dreams come true is simple lower your investment fees if your retirement savings are in high fee mutual funds, you could be losing a lot of your money to those fees. With Quest Wealth Portfolios, your investments are managed for you at a fraction of the cost, so you can earn more and make your retirement dreams come true. Get started today at Questrade.com. At Enterprise, we know you're constantly on the move.

Getting this. Thanks, Mom. Fixing that. You reach a destination. And then it's on to the next. And when life is moving at the speed of, well, life, Enterprise is right there with you, around the corner and around the globe.

We'll keep you moving forward. Enterprise for lives and drive. But I'm glad that you're back because one of my favorites, another one of the regulars on this show is here and is going to be video conferencing in. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great David Lucas, everybody. Here he is. Live in the flesh. Music's playing for David Lucas. Hey, David. It's still playing.

All right. There he is. David Lucas, everybody. Hi, David. What's up? What up, dawg? Are you still stuck in New York? Yeah, I'm currently quarantined in tony's booty hole oh are you starting with me already david don't look behind you there's a tarantula on your head

dude hey joe burke shut your uh dead president looking ass up shut your fucking 99 cent store keenan thompson fucking looking ass my god i think that tarantula bit you, bro. Your lips are swelling up as fast as they can be. Look at those fucking things. Tony, I can't see your face, but I know you got the bird flu. Yeah, the bird flu's going around.

This guy thinks I'm a bird every week for some reason. Bird flu versus burger flu. Tony got the peacock pox. Your lips look like absolute floaties. Those floaties the kids put on their arms to keep them from sinking in a pool. I said your lips look like floaties.

from sinking in a pool. I said your lips look like floaties. You look like one of them sticks that they make young kids find in the bottom of the pool. Can I just say that since David is FaceTiming in, I feel like we're a part of a conversation that happens between Tony and David before bed every single night. Like they FaceTime each other and roast each other right before bed.

This is how we fall asleep at night. Tony got a ball of sleep with a warm glass of milk. Oh, come on. Not all of us. And I get the warm glass of milk from milking you. Because you're a cow. I had to really spell that one out for you. Spell it out for the rest of the room.

My goodness. No, you look great, dude. A lot of people like to make fun of you, but I think you look absolutely better than ever. Are there calories in that vape pen? No. No. All right. Well, you don't say that. look absolutely better than ever uh are there calories in that vape pen no no all right what was that oh my god you got me there absolutely you got me so you're in New York. How's that going for you?

You went out there. You had some gigs. And then the gigs turned into podcasts. You know what's crazy? Bro, out of the five podcasts I was supposed to do, I was only able to do one because everybody fucking paranoid. Well, New York's going to be hit the worst, they're saying. Because everyone's stacked up on top of each other. There's nowhere to really go.

So everyone's going to get it. I will say this. New York people are more sensible than L.A. More sensible? Yeah, like L.A., people were hoarding. In L.A., people are buying shit like they got sent. There's actually stuff on the shelves and stuff. They're buying in moderation, basically acting like humans yeah yeah the actual humans also when you were in la that was the initial rush i think there's a lot more restocking going

on than there was uh they weren't prepared for that uh a week or two ago i've been going every day the only thing that's... You go every day? I live right next door to a grocery store. Why would you go every day? I live right next to a grocery store. I just want to see what they got. I live next to a grocery store, too.

Did you realize that that is the opposite of a quarantine? Yeah. But, like, there was certain... It's gotten way worse. There's little things like Uncrustables. Dead Band. I got Uncrustables the other day. But like there's no like noodles or rice or paper towels.

We know who you're buying for. No noodles and rice. Red Band's like, I go to the grocery store every day. No noodles, no rice. No bok choy. Red Band, I tell you to get the two things there. Noodle and the rice-a-poo. Red Band got a freezer full of beer-battered fish.

I don't eat fish. You don't eat fish? I don't like fish much. Right. Unless it's sushi. It's got nutrients in it. That's why. Fish has vitamins and minerals.

That nigga only want fish if it's swimming around in vodka. I love it. So you've only done one podcast. What are you, at a hotel? What was that? You're at a hotel? He's got bad connection. Bad connection.

No, you're okay. That's red band. Being red band. So how's this been going for you? You're just there with what? Your laptop and the regular cable television? I ate all my quarantine food.

Oh my God. You ate all your quarantine food? Bro, I had a fucking two-week supply. Nigga, that shit ain't even making four days. Jesus. That's why Red Band's going every day, too. I leave in the morning. I go to my mama's house, and then I'll be back in L.A. Friday.

All right. Beautiful. So I'll be on Kill Tony Monday. Oh, beautiful. Oh, freshly traveled. Bring it. Yeah, Kill Tony Monday. Oh, beautiful. Oh, freshly traveled. Yeah, we're going over here. Yeah, great. Can't wait for you to come back.

Oh, man, I wish I could find my mask. I'll put that shit on and do the podcast with it. Oh, my God. Did you get to have that date with the little white girl in the Empire State Building? It's a King Kong joke. You look like you have a taco truck, nigga. I don't know. I look at your hair and all of a sudden I want black licorice for some reason.

It's because his hair kind of looks like black licorice. Oh, that's why. Okay. All right. Well, this is an exciting, exciting time. David, anything else we should know about you before seeing you next week back here on Kill Tony?

Tony, what's in your quarantine closet? I'm in the quarantine closet, David. Let me steal your punchline from you. I'm in the closet, David. I am a gay man in the closet. I'm gayer than the Tiger King. David, I heard you're Lizzo's little brother.

What? Something like that. No, for real, Tony. What'd you stop above? I have a bunch of stuff. Now, I literally live... Wait, what? I said dildos and booty cream.

That's me. Dildos and booty holes. Latex-flavored vapes. Hey, y'all niggas stupid. dildos and booty holes latex flavored vapes i have candles that smell like men's mustaches i have um i have uh what else what else is manly i got a booty cheek throat i have a booty cheek throat? I do have a booty cheek throat. I have a booty cheek throat? A cheek throat. Oh, shit, man.

What's it called? Throat blanket? What's that shit called? Are you on Wi-Fi? Are you on cricket? Yeah. Hold on. Let me take it off.

Let me review this right here. Boost Mobile, where are you at? Those antennas on top of your head are not working at all, David. You look like Walk the Jewels right now. All right, there goes David Lucas. We'll drop that call with David. There's some music from the band. There you go.

The amazing Kill Tony band, the best damn band in the land. If you're in need of any musical wants or needs, make sure you go check out the Reagan & Watkins debut album. Reagan & Watkins, Self-titled album. Congratulations to Pat. He had a little baby. Yeah, everybody's having babies. No better time to have a baby than now.

Congratulations to the first ever band member, band leader, Pat Reagan. Adding a new member of the Kill Tony family. That happened fast. Yeah, very cute. That's my boy Daddy Reagan. Daddy Reagan. Go to Spotify, look up the Baby Boys.

We got a new video coming out soon, this week probably. Did he have a baby boy or a baby girl? Baby girl. Her name's Isla. Yeah, she's beautiful. I've been around. I'm going to be the godparent. I said might, but I got to talk to a priest. You have to talk to a priest before? Does the kid need an exorcist? No, I didn't.

That's racist. First of all, you're cancelled. I don't know. I didn't have my confirmation, so I gotta get that done before I can legitimately be the godparent. Get the fuck out of here. You have to pay more money to the church. No, they're gonna do it for free. Oh, wow. You can just go to a lawyer. Okay, cool. I'll shout out to all the lawyers out there here. You have to pay more money to the church. No, they're going to do it for free. Oh, wow.

You can just go to a lawyer. Okay, cool. I'll shout out to all the lawyers out there. If anybody out there can get me confirmed tomorrow, hit me up. Red Band with his godfather knowledge. Very interesting. Literally the godfather to no child ever in history. And he's never seen the godfather.

I've never seen the godfather. However, he does eat godfather's pizza almost weekly shout out to godfather's pizza in Ohio I get it freeze dried and shipped every week alright let's keep it moving fun times

everything's hanging you want to go to the bucket for a little question? Let's do it. Okay. Good to know. We have another one. Oh, I read that last week. Some of these ended up going back to the bucket from last week.

Because... All right. On Jupiter and Mars. Very good. So, okay, this is an interesting one. It's a long question, but let's keep it shortened. Favorite and least favorite character ideas you've ever had from your perspective, not from mine. I feel like the listeners know what mine are.

Of course, the puppeteers, the the insane people the insane puppeteers um are really anything that's annoying the gym rats did you love that is that gym rats i love the gym rats i loved because i could tell you guys hated them so much yeah why why did you look like koalas. That's right. It didn't even look like fucking... You had teddy bear ears instead of what you would think a mouse would have. Oh, you guys looked ridiculous. You guys looked adorably ridiculous.

Like little children. Do you have an answer? I'm thinking. I mean, we know what the favorites are. Those are all on the calendar. It just hit me right now that, like, you know, I know Jeremiah's worst one was when we did chefs. Because for some reason, not the celebrity chefs.

We revisited that. First time we did chefs, Jeremiah decides he's going to be a Jamaican chef. And he just had the roughest time. But I think that was probably your least favorite from the get-go, right? Yeah. I was asking you yours so I could look up some of the oh mine was i don't know man uh probably anything that's like two-dimensional legitimately like that doesn't have a point of

view where it looks really good like i was blanca from street fighter and it looked great but it's like what do you say after you just look great as blanca you have no perspective right it's a video game character that is a tough one that was in what swansea no we didn't know i wear the same wig but uh yeah no no we did that that was actually that brings me oh no no but that's when you're supposed to make your own story like you know no i know i know uh you know crohn's disease or something yeah it took me a while that's true it took me a while. That's true. It took me a while. Jeremiah taught me this, was like a lot of the best characters that we've had,

you have to have a really clear point of view. And I think that when we first started, I wasn't very, like, I wasn't well-versed in that, so I would just sort of rely on the costume. And so now I try to find a point of view. One of my, and it was one of my favorite moments to do but it was a lesson that i learned uh was when we actually did the legion of skanks episode um there's i i kind of realized that that night there's a reason why on snl why they specifically do it on weekend update for about five minutes tops because there's something magical that kind of wears off

about the gimmick of doing an impression for a person. So when I did Big J for the full 90 minutes to two hours, it felt like it gradually kept getting more and more watered down, and you feel trapped at that point. So for me, the initial first half hour, I was like, this is great. The last hour I was like, there's no escaping this.

There's like, you know what I mean? The pops literally got less and less as the show goes on because the gimmick is, is done. Yeah. That's an interesting one. Did you feel that way about, uh, Joe Rogan as well?

No, because we did that. The, we did a best of, uh, with the characters that night where I was literally Joe for only 10 to 15 minutes. That's right. So I got to basically get the big pops and go out on a high note without it tapering off.

So that episode was kind of like a good thing to reflect on and go back to because we did it. We got out as quick as we got in on those goodness jesse you have a least favorite character yet not i don't right now because i you know i'm so new i like all of them but i think the most challenging was when we played blind people i was gonna say that yeah yeah which i ended up being phyllis walkins to kind of paint like a story behind it but yeah when we were like before thinking oh it's gonna be phyllis itkins to kind of paint a story behind it. But yeah, before thinking, oh, it's going to be Phyllis, I was like, okay, well, who is this blind person? You know what I've noticed?

That anything in front of the eyes is bad for me. Because eye contact is so important. I ended up loving those characters. I always, for the most part, for a lot of characters, I find that eyes are going to be funnier than an obstruction. For the most part. There's always exceptions and stuff if it goes really well with the character, but I don't know. Huh. Very fun stuff.

We have, did you say B9's ready? B9? Beautiful. Very exciting stuff golden ticket winner from phoenix arizona many time appearances probably holds the record for most appearances by a golden ticket winner all the way from beautiful phoenix arizona we have the great tristan bowling joining us Here's some music for you, Tristan. Stay among the stars. Step back from... Oh, hey, Tristan Bowling.

How's it going, my friend? It's going fucking dope, dude. I'm chilling out in my house. Of course, you're so hip. You're so cool. You're on the Wi-Fi. The sound is perfect. All these other people struggling.

Of course, you're going to be dialed in. This is why you are a golden ticket winner. You're white. You've got a good internet connection. White screen. Your bills are paid. 16.9. All the things we need.

That's right, Tristan. You are just a freaking winner, pal. Thank you. How are you guys doing in L.A.? We're hanging in there. We're doing things like this to be able to survive past the time, enjoy ourselves a bit, doing something other than laying on our fat asses. Fuck yeah, dude.

How about you? How's the quarantine going? You with moms and pops? Yeah, yeah. I'm chilling at the house. I got grandma behind me. Get it. Hey, grandma. Hey, grandma.

She's looking thick, dude. Grandma's got that Tony Hinchcliffe bone structure going on back there. Boney Hinchcliffe. The golden boney. Wow. How is your grandma doing you your grandma does live with you guys yeah she's like the only person who i wish was sick but she just keeps fucking kicking dude yeah she's unstoppable she's pounding glasses of wine

having the time of her life i think that keeps her body sterile Yeah Just all that goddamn Chardonnay That makes sense Red Band, you been drinking during this? The last two days For like a week I didn't drink And I was like, you know what, I don't know why I'm not drinking

It's so weird to drink What are you drinking at home now? Last night I had Two Tito's and orange juice. You make them strong? Comedy store strong? Yeah, it's more like martinis. Martinis. The night before I had some Jack and Diets.

But like I forgot like, oh, I'm allowed to drink. I don't have to wake up for anything. Why am I not drinking? I usually don't drink at home. It feels weird drinking at home. Right, same. I agree don't drink at home. It feels weird drinking at home. Right. Same. I agree 100%. I've been cracking a little bit of

red wine. I bought a six-pack of beer just to be reminded how much I drink. What kind of beer? What kind of beer was it? What was it? I got it from this fancy French market near where I live. Serbort. Serbort. Grained on that wood. Oh, man. I got it from this fancy French market near where I live. Surfboard.

Surfboard. Graining on that wood. Oh, man. Big dick Tony. And it's some fancy, I think it's like fancy German beer. Tastes absolutely horrible. I hate it. I hate it.

I do hate it. Every single sip, I regret buying it and drinking it. I just keep having one or two a night. Dude, I've been fucking basting in it the last nine days. I have just been... You've been drinking heavily? Kind of. Not heavily.

I've gotten days where I don't, but you know... You've got to keep your immune system up, man. Micheladas, you know. ¿Qué estás bebiendo? Estoy bebiendo cerveza mexicana. Micheladas. Sí. One thing I have been doing is I've been smoking a lot of weed also,

and I start coughing, and then I start getting paranoid, like, why am I coughing? And I forget that that's what you usually do when you smoke weed, though. I've been getting a little paranoid. I think we've all gotten paranoid at some points. Oh, yeah, for sure. Every ache, every pain. If my foot falls asleep and I start walking,

I'm like, oh, my God, that's it. They said soreness is one of the side effects. So, Tristan Bowling, what's been happening? What's been going on over there? Give us an update on your life or anything you want to talk about uh dude my mom is fucking nuts about this coronavirus stuff shit she will not let me leave the house at all and like when i do she'll get like mad and shit like that but like i have to like make excuses to get out of the house real shit i'm

just like drinking beer in my car in the driveway you gotta sneak out your window like a baby yeah I gotta tie I gotta tie bed sheets together you have a second floor bedroom yeah I'm on the second floor so I can just like land on top of my dad's

car I'm just like land on top of my dad's chart. I'm just scared of heights. Right. Right. Heights are also scared of you, my friend. So Tristan, how's the rap game been going for you? Anything anything lately?

Rapping wise, you've done some amazing raps. Normally you have rapped on this show and gotten standing ovations and incredible audience reactions. How's that been going for you? It's been going good. I've been writing some bars. I've also been doodling around on my guitar

and stuff like that. Doing that fun stuff. You have a guitar now. Yeah, I've had a guitar. Every white young person has an acoustic. Is that true? Go to Guitar Center on any day. These poor girlfriends are in there with their boyfriends testing out Ibanez's.

I had no idea. You write any coronavirus songs or anything like that? Yeah, I did a little bit. You want to hear it? Yeah, I do. little bit. You want to hear it? Yeah. Yeah, I do. I'm busting out. I'm so fucking mad.

I'm so fucking mad that he said Ibanez because that's the exact same type of guitar I have. Oh my god. I'm a white boy to a T. Alright. This is called Fuck Coronavirus in the tune of House of the Rising Sun. Hey.

There was a storm of sunset that sold that good comedy. But since the virus had shut down that old store, us comics are going hungry. They've shut down all the open mics. From West Coast to these. I'm sucking dicks. For minutes of stage time.

What sucks the most dicks is this goddamn disease. And then it gets into a punk reprise. Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Ah. Let me see the lyrics. Yeah, we got it. All right. All right.

All right. Let's go. Let's go. Fuck those. He's on the sick. Let's get it done fast. Let's get it done quick. Cause I miss comedy more than people being healthy.

I hate how I'm always stuck inside with my dummy. My dumb healthy grandma by my side. Catch me always coughing in her coffee. The coronavirus. Taking shit inside a Tyrus. Coming for you booty like you're fighting pirates. always coughing in her coffee coronavirus taking shit inside the tyrus coming for you like you're fighting virus watch out it's coronavirus watch out it's coronavirus

watch out wow Tristan Bowling everybody writing songs it's all good writing songs staying creative you're a warrior at this time my goodness what's the craziest thing you've snuck out of the house to do since the quarantine has begun um i went to uh my friend's birthday party which was probably a bad idea yeah i had a feeling

i had a feeling you'd have an answer like that. You remind me of these kids that all went to Miami Beach over the weekend. No, we were all hanging out together in the house. It was fun. If one person sneezed, we're all fucked. Yeah, I don't think that's how coronavirus works exactly. Did you smoke joints together? Did you pass a joint all around? Yeah, did you smoke joints together? Did you pass a joint all around? Yeah, did you smoke joints together?

Officer Redman wants to know. Janice, did you smoke a joint? No, yeah, I had my own joints to myself, not because I didn't want to share, I just don't have money. And I was drinking beers and stuff like that, but if I picked up someone else's, I have no clue. I was drinking beers and stuff like that, but if I picked up someone else's, I have no clue.

Well, as long as you kids haven't been smoking any of the reefer, then I guess I'll let you off with a warning. Well, Tristan, you're the fucking man. Stay strong out there. We love you. And we will talk to you soon. I love you, boys and girls. Bye, everybody. There goes the great Tristan Bowling, everyone. He's like a monster.

The day he was like on Jupiter and Mars. Hell yeah. That's fun. Tristan Bowling, golden ticket winner. Winner. Corona dinner. You just had Tristan open up for you a couple of shows, right? Last time you were in. Yeah, I had an amazing weekend of shows at the Tempe Improv.

My God, was that fun. Tristan Bowling and Ali Makovsky, the Jewel Crew, Run the Jewels, Bowling and Allie Makovsky, the Jewel Crew, Run the Jewels, the Vapen Army of me, Allie, and Tristan, all three of us jeweling like crazy in there. And yeah, unbelievable

shows. He went out, got them guns a-blazin', local references galore. Allie Makovsky, who's just evolved into an absolute killer. No extra words on any of her acts. Smash, smash, smash. Thank you.

Good night. And then, of course, me. You know what I mean? So, yeah, it was so much fun. It's been crazy. This year has been just absolutely unbelievable, not only performance-wise and stand-up-wise, but also with Kill Tony, two of our by far biggest shows,

and sold out massive theaters. And my God, that Venus de Milo ended up being huge in Swansea, and Vancouver was 1,300, jam-packed. And yeah, so crazy time for all of this to hit. But who knows? It could be the I always every single downtick always ends up turning into something monstrous. So I'm excited to see what what the future holds. Excited. I mean, life goes on. The gigs keep coming. I mean, every day, The gigs keep coming. I mean, every day, you know, my amazing agents are rescheduling things and working on things, and everything's still in motion.

I feel really bad for agents right now. They pretty much just got tax season overnight, you know. I feel bad for agents, too, man. It's been a rough time, you know, that everyone's being racist towards Asians. Yikes. Hey, William. William, back me up on this. My goodness.

You're calling for William? He always says, get my back on this. You guys know Tristan and I used to do mics together years ago in Phoenix? Really? Yeah. I had no idea. I wasn't sure if you knew that or not. Did he ever hit on you?

No, we've been good friends since day one. Really? Yeah. I had no idea. I wasn't sure if you knew that or not. Did he ever hit on you? No, we've been good friends since day one. He's hilarious. So I would go to this club all the time and I ran into Tristan. He was 16 years old and his dad would bring him to all the shows. His dad's cool as hell. I would just talk to him and his dad

and yeah. Wow. You could tell immediately, oh, he's going to be, he was already funny at 16 yeah and now i don't know how old he is now but yeah he's got that amazing knack about him where he just writes and creates and doesn't stop and you know i recognize that in him immediately plus the performance the energy that he brings everything he has he's He's a total package type of guy. Very, very, very exciting stuff. In today's economy, saving money is like an extreme sport.

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all starting at just $99 a month. Stack more, spend less. The Happy Stack, only at Kudo. Conditions apply. All right, let's take another question. Or should we, you know what? Why don't we go with our third regular? Can we do that?

Ladies and gentlemen, yeah, let's grab them. We have a third regular, everybody. Everybody knows him, loves him, a compelling character. We never know what is going to happen. Make some noise for the great William Montgomery, everyone. Here he is. You hear that music, you know it's on. Here he the great William Montgomery, everyone. Here he is. You hear that music, you know it's on. Here he is. William

Montgomery, everybody. Let me hear y'all make some noise if you got the coronavirus. That's an impression of me last night. I was actually DJing at an all-black church in Atlanta. I made

a horrible mistake in quarantine today. I made a horrible mistake in quarantine today. I watched Forrest Gump for the first time. That is a tear jerker. God, when Bubba dies and that scene in the jungle.

I wish Axl Rose would marry Bella Thorne so at least one Rose would have a thorn. I actually made a horrible mistake in quarantine. Earlier today I watched 101 Dalmatians for the first time. But I do, I honestly think I am sick. I do, I am not feeling good oh my goodness I am not feeling good how are y'all feeling are y'all feeling all right William how is this the craziest you've ever there's the cat there's a hole in your shirt coming I mean first first of all, unbelievable

set. Unbelievable performance. I feel like that would have decimated in front of our usual live crowd at the Comedy Store. Gino, you're always at those shows. That was just that. He's giving it a thumbs up. What do you think, Gino? Everybody loved it. Charlie from Vito's Pizza loving it.

Cracking up. You had everybody up here laughing. Charlie from Vito's Pizza just vomited up his own pizza looking at William. And then, yes, indeed, I will now acknowledge that, William, you have never looked more insane. I mean. Look, disheveled. Disheveled. Fresh off the set of Bram Stoker's Dracula. The butt haircut that he's got.

What the fuck? I don't think I've ever seen you without a hat. Oh my God, William. You look like a crazy man. It's like a David Lynch film. Classic move right there when you start laughing. Wow, William. I love this backdrop.

This is what people are seeing, right? Just that black background. That is so awesome. William, you look absolutely... You really messed that one up. It doesn't look like it to me. It is... What?

What are you fucking doing in there? William, you have any symptoms of the coronavirus? My nose will not stop running. Is that true? Yep. My goodness. What else? What else do you have?

William is live in studio with us, by the way. We've kept him out in the lobby up until this point. And who has the white claws? Where do those things come from? All I did was smoke a joint in the bathroom. Roll it to him. Do not. Here you go.

I'm kidding. Are you well? Can I trust? You trust Joel? What did you just say? You heard what I said. Rubian, please stop. This is always an interesting part of the interview when you two go at it.

So, wow, William, other than your nose running, what else has been going on? Anything else crazy? One of my feet is yellow. Oh. Is that normal? You said you've had hammer toe in the past. Yeah, what if my feet currently is a yellow color, but it's normally like that.

Oh, there you go. All right, William, that's fun. Now, you've taken work off the whole week, right? Because you've said you felt sick've taken work off the whole week right because you've said you felt sick that really uh well i am sick they better i know they're not watching this but i am sick so it's weird you brought that up are you really sick or is this a joke look at him well this is what he normally looks like he normally does this thing where he'll... He lies. This is his... Look what he's doing.

He's really accentuating... Look at the fucking aerial view of his head. Oh, my God. That looks like... Look at that nightmare. Look at that. Looks like the inside of a cotton candy machine. Corona under a microscope.

Jack Nicholson's colon. Have you ever thought about shaving your head, William? It looks like he did shave it just right down the middle. That's the goddamn money maker right there. What cuts your hair? A Zamboni, dude? So let's have some fun here. William, you are performing in front of a green screen.

And I told you earlier that we might use that for something and we're going to. You have no idea what's about to appear in front of you or behind you but we're going to run some things and you just react to it. Maybe keep the microphone in your hand and you just react to whatever's going on

around you and improvise. This will be a little improv game that you play, William. And you just roll with it. We're going to see what happens here. You let us know what's going on as it's happening. Here, get back on the screen. That's really the only thing. So here we

go. Oh! Where am I? Tony Hinchcliffe's house. Where am I? Where are these hot dogs coming from? That is what my house looks like. There are just hot dogs. What is this house?

So many wieners going around. So many wieners everywhere. So many wieners inside of buns if you catch my drift. Because I am a gay man. Seriously, whose house is this? Why can't I fucking walk around without this shit happening? You know I can't eat hot dogs.

That's a lot of hot dogs between booty seats. No, I don't eat hot dogs anymore. Okay, is there another one we can perhaps bring up here? Let's see what happens. Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! It's Tristan's grandma, dude.

Oh, God. Oh, my God. Even the skeleton doesn't really want to touch it. I don't know what's so scary. He's acting like he's coming after him, but it's still stinking. The skeleton's like, this guy looks like shit. William, do the same pose so we can see the before and after. I don't think William even has a real skeleton underneath all that. All right, very good, William.

Is there anything else? What's next? What do we have next for William? Let's see what we have here. William, get in there. Oh, look at that. Are you running for president? Let's hear your campaign pitch, William.

How's it going? Go straight to camera. Atlanta, Georgia. I told y'all I would not be working at this church tonight, but here I am. I know the coronavirus is going strong right now. I'm one of the premier white DJs for all black congregations.

People in Atlanta think I'm so much better. William, why do you hold the microphone so far over your entire face? You almost had it up to your eyeballs on that. What are you hiding? You don't want to see it. Y'all would really, y'all wouldn't have let me. Whoa!

Oh my God. He's on fire. Hold on. Burning the flag. He's making a bucket of water. William, do you even feel any of that? Yep, I am super hot right now. Literally.

Oh! Wow. Looks like that coronavirus fever just got a little bit hotter. It did. It's okay, the ambulance is on its way. Whoa, William. What are you going to do? Oh, Lord, I can't swim. Am I swimming by right now?

It's Jeremiah doing a backstroke. Oh, shit. We know those guys. Ralph? Is that Darius? Wait, Darius and Curtis. Do you know these guys, William? Man, what's going on?

Oh watch out Wow This is a hard one I can't figure this one out It's showing you his stick My goodness Wow William do you know these guys? I don't stick. My goodness. Wow. William, do you know these guys? I don't.

Oh, okay. Is there anything else that we have? The skeletons, fire, and a man. Alright, that's cool. William, what are your plans for getting rid of the virus that you supposedly have as of right now? Are you planning on doing anything?

I'm planning on not sleeping. I've heard you can literally get it out of your body not sleeping. Oh, that's incredible. How long have you gone without sleeping? I'm currently on 48 hours. Well, you look like shit. Check out the underarm. Oh my God.

Oh, that's like brown. That happened today, actually. Why don't you get a different shirt? Why do you have that shirt on? Yeah, that was the one shirt to wear on the podcast. Because the shirt comes with that body type. You can kind of see my belly button in it a little.

Do you sell merch and are they all that shirt? It's just the shirt. If you want to get on my website. Peter Mendez. I don't know. I'm working on that one. We ever end up with A1? No. Huh.

Get away from me. William, get back in the frame there. But seriously, what's your current living situation in this quarantine? I'm currently at my place on Alvarado Street. You live by yourself? Three other guys. Three guys. And are any of you guys abiding by this quarantine whatsoever?

I thought you were about to ask if any of us are dating. And yes, we are. No. Have you guys been going out? Have you been staying in? Has everybody been listening to the quarantine rules? We have been. Has everybody been listening to the quarantine rules? We have been. We've been playing a shit ton of Hio Cheerio, Connect Four, Monopoly.

But no, yeah, we're taking it pretty easy. What piece are you when you play Monopoly? The hair. There's not. Isn't there a rabbit? No. Is there not a rabbit? I thought you meant a piece of your hair. That's what I thought, yeah. there a rabbit? No. Is there not a rabbit? I thought you meant a piece of your head.

Like a wig or something. Looks like you're running out of pieces quickly. It's like an actual Monopoly board. They just keep getting lost. It's a pretty somber time right now. It's a really somber time right now the guy that makes the amazing uh graphic art graphic uh designs for uh for a lot of my uh stand-up shows including this show the great mcvader uh just said that you look like the

main subject of a Netflix conspiracy documentary. There he goes. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, always entertaining. Bravo, sir. Bravo. Bravo. What size t-shirt do you wear? XL.

People, send some... That's good. That's good. That's a perfect amount of time to play William off. Listen, people, send some extra large white V-neck t-shirts to Comedy Store. Maybe black color. Instead of

the white one where he shows all his stains. No, I like the white. He's just got to keep them clean. He just can't reuse them. Some anti-perspirant deodorant. Everyone wears black. I like the fact that William thinks outside the box. Speaking of box, better box. There's no better box than better box.

This place is amazing. We got Gage and... Anthony Whitlocks. Anthony Whitlocks. Gage T. Arena. Gage and Falcon back there. Just absolutely killing it. We couldn't be more grateful.

This is a squad that has been put together by, you've heard of them every episode, the great Gino over at Speedweed. We're having an absolute blast which is an important thing for us to get to do. A1 says she hasn't received a text.

Maybe you got the wrong number? Maybe I wrote it down wrong? I wonder who it was texting. Let me pull a number out of there. Pull a thing out of the bucket. Are you texting? I already got one.

Let's see. Who would win in a street fight between all cast members? Well, that's an interesting question. That is an interesting one. I have the right one here if you want to check it out for sure. Well, we definitely learned it wouldn't be Joel because he lost to William Montgomery in arm wrestling. I was handicapped. I was drumming the whole episode.

I was going to say it would probably be up to me and Tony probably last two. That's what I was thinking. And I think that with your current jiu-jitsu, we've grappled around a bit. And I think with your current jiu-jitsu, I honestly think you might have me. I think that uh i've seen you do i've seen you evolve in a way how long you've been doing it now over a year right uh yes overall but i've been at 10th planet almost six months seven months i would say jeremiah mean you guys not even in the mix like like and honestly it's probably a slap boxer yeah yeah i feel like

david lucas would just sit on everything. Well, you would lose. You're not even in this conversation. No, I said David Lucas. You would beat the shit out of her. Yeah, I would die immediately. She said she hasn't received a text or just send her anything.

It was like, Jeremiah, before the slap boxing thing, you had never really, you've never been in a fight before? Right. Because you fucking, it was crazy how you just kept looking

forward even when like that's a hard thing when you're kickboxing and stuff is like you get hit people tend to flinch and stuff you just you had this sort of like front vision which is like was pretty kind of incredible for uh for someone who's never been in a fight before. They were comparing you to... Who's the spider? Anderson Silva, didn't they? He's like, would you say he's like an Anderson Silva type? Jeremiah murders a lot of people that we don't know about.

He's a murderer. Careful. You might edit this out. You can't make him look bad. You gotta make him look good. Yeah, I could see. I mean, yeah, that's what I think the layman, non-athletic person would have you in the mix for sure, Red Band. You would literally die after 30 seconds of any activity whatsoever.

Old man strength. Nope. That's not a real thing. Maybe retard strength. Although Brian's got a hell of an RNC, a rear naked choke. He's put me in it a few times it's scary

yeah if you let him put it have you guys ever arm wrestled no no you don't wanna no one wants to

arm wrestle me I will absolutely embarrass anybody I will go through every single person starting with Jesse William get back here William you're sick

get in here you know what's funny is William barely remembers doing that last week and the next day on the podcast Brothers in Cursive he's like

I didn't know why my arm was so sore he's like we had to remind him was he that blacked out was he that blacked out yeah he doesn't remember Janice I guess

yelled at him for like 20 minutes and he doesn't remember William was trying to close talk to me last week because he was drunk and I kept stepping away from him because you know social distancing and he kept leaning in anything. William was trying to close talk to me last week because he was drunk and I kept stepping away

from him because, you know, social distancing. And he kept leaning in more and more. I'm like, dude, back up just a little bit. I like how we all left him there and he had no ride. Are you serious? That was so bizarre. I kept trying to figure out how to

help him. We didn't know that. It's like when Brian stole a meal didn't know that. Poor Ring Ring. It's like when Brian stole a meal from his starving family. Oh, dude. Can we talk about that? Wait, what happened? I don't even know. We didn't talk about that.

No, we've never talked about that. I've never heard about this. Where was that? That was in San Antonio. I was just there. It was in San Antonio. Oh, my God. That's right.

What happened? He doesn't even remember. It was beautiful. Wait, I did something? Tell it. I got it. Can we tell it? Yeah, absolutely.

Tell it. Wait, I stole something? Yeah. The funniest part was you were oblivious to it. So shout out to Yoni at Best Barbecue on Instagram. He catered our green room. See? You know exactly what I'm talking about.

He catered this amazing barbecue where we all ate our fill, where we were stuffed. We literally couldn't eat anymore. So much barbecue. So much barbecue. Extra barbecue. I believe we had to fly the next day. Yeah. We were flying out the next morning.

Right. So we couldn't take anything with us. We can't take the next day. Yeah. We were flying out the next morning. Right. So we couldn't take anything with us. We can't take anything with us. And our nice waitress who we talked to just had a recent house fire. And she had to stay in a hotel with her family for the last two months. And they've been eating Jack in the box, she told us. Which I did not know about. Their house burned down.

Not only that, but she has like six kids. And three of them are hers. Three of them are her boyfriends. The boyfriend's there because he's a die-hard Kill Tony fan. She's struggling to make ends meet working at the comedy club. And someone else made cookies. And I'm like, all right, you guys can have these cookies. And then there's all this giant amount of leftover food.

And Brian put it all on one plate and walked out with it. Literally a banquet's worth of food. He's like, I've got to have my emergency meatloaf. Basically, we were all like, we should let this family have it. Tony is notoriously nice to a different staff at different comedy clubs. He's always very accommodating, making sure that they're taken care of. And he went out of his way to make sure that she got these stacks of plates of food and stuff like that. Even worse, he was like, wow, this is the first night we're not going to have to eat lettuce soup or something.

Lettuce soup? Yeah, like, yo, my kids have been chewing on the walls the last few weeks so all of us are feeling really good about ourselves and we're like yeah we did it and then brian goes i'm hungry a stack of barbecue it's enough food literally he's like well just in case i get hungry four times tonight this is enough for like six kids dude family it's like a house fire's worth of food right here dude what the frick i could ruin this story but i don't want to because it's funnier that way you ended up giving it to them well no i ended up when we were eating the barbecue i didn't eat that much because it wasn't as good as the barbecue from yesterday later and so i didn't know anything about this

like waitress and shit like that and i I literally made, like, a regular plate. They're saying it's a bunch of shit, but I made a regular plate. But the funny thing is I didn't even eat it. You had to hold it with two hands, I remember. Because you were, like, walking in front of us. You walked out like Atlas. It was a styrofoam container. The guy who holds the world on his back.

Atlas? Are back. Atlas? Are you saying Atlas? Yeah, Brian walked out like Atlas. With barbecue? But the funniest thing is I didn't even eat it. I just left it on the nightstand. That's even worse. That you didn't even enjoy it.

That you just took it and then didn't want to eat it. The kids were licking bones that night. They're like, Mommy, this is delicious. The good news is they ended up getting all the food because they ended up digging in the dumpster at the hotel the next day. Scrounging for food. Oh, fuck. Oh, God. That's so fucking funny.

I forgot about that. Oh, my God. We were laughing our asses off. And it was one of those things where I think you thought that we were making... You could have told me, by the way. What have you done? Wait a second. I know. I was like, did you guys tell him?

Ryan had no idea. By the way, I flicked the waitress off as a joke. And you guys, that's even more ruder than I did that. It was way funnier this way. As hard as we were laughing that night, we laughed that night and the whole next morning about that. So sometimes it's just worth it.

By the way, black cherry is the best White Claw. That tastes like cherry Jolly Ranchers. Wow. Things that could have been overheard in Miami Beach this past weekend. The coronavirus, guns a-blazin'. It has been chosen. Black Cherry, White Claw is the best of them all. We good on A1, you think?

Really? Oh, wow. What a special treat. We are going to go in right now to Kill Tony legend, ladies and gentlemen. The one, the only, from Northern California, the great Nicole Tran is now joining us live on

Kill Tony. Hello, everybody. Oh, hello, Nicole. I can't quite see you on our monitor here. Hold on just one second. This is so exciting. Oh, wow. Look at you. Oh, my goodness. Hello, Nicole. Hello. Are you on the Wi- Hello.

Are you on the Wi-Fi there by any chance? Wi-Fi, yeah. Next to the Wi-Fi. Okay, very good. You're next to the tower and everything. Are you sending JPEGs every three seconds? Nicole. Nicole.

Nicole, somehow you have gotten so much more Asian since the last time I saw you. Man, I'm doing good, man. I love it. Stuck in the house. I know. How are you holding up during this quarantine? You doing good there? Man, I'm stuck in the house with my mom

and my sisters, man. I am now like a Cinderella except things coming way outside. This is like a PowerPoint presentation. This is like a webcam murder movie.

This is incredible. This is mind-boggling. This is like a manga. The Grudge 4 sucks. Wow. So, Nicole, a question for you. What type of Asian are you? Are you from China or Japan?

I'm Vietnamese, man. Oh, that's right. Vietnamese. How do you feel about Chinese people, especially now that they have uh they have been uh according to many responsible for the release of the coronavirus how do you feel about chinese people it's pretty sad man it's like a universal effects, man. Effects on everybody.

Yes, it's true. Absolutely. What do you, what do you, what is your sister and mom do for work? Do they have jobs? They make textiles or something? No, my sister work for a computer company, sales. That sounds about right. And one for index art.

And how about your mom? Human resources. Oh, okay. How about your mom resources oh okay how about your mom my mom she cooks man oh that's very religious oh what religion yes at four o'clock she prays to the buddha man oh wow heck yeah is that right hand real? Is that a familiar little baby hands? Look at that. I just slid down.

And I saw the Buddha up there saying, I don't get up until seven. Wow, Nicole. Incredible stuff. So when's the last time you got to perform stand-up comedy? A week ago, man. Oh, I still do the Zoom thing every day. All the comics invited me to do it, man.

What's the Zoom? Zoom's like a website where it's a bunch of webcams. Video conferencing, like between multiple people. Oh, okay. That makes sense. All right, cool, okay. That makes sense. All right. Cool. Cool.

Doing the Zoom. I miss your show, man. I know. We miss you too, Nicole, tremendously. Last time you were on, you- I have a new song for you today, man. Oh, you do? Okay.

Let's hear it. Absolutely. This sounds great. We love songs. We love new songs. Here's a new one from Nicole Tran, everybody, live here on Kill Tony Quarantine. Go ahead, Nicole. Somewhere over Encino

Across the southern land I fell in love with Tony I just hope he washes his hands That's my new song for you. hands. Is that money zone for you? God, you are an absolute little angel, aren't you? You're just a little

Vietnamese queen. Can I just say, she's cornered the market on Somewhere Over the Rainbow Parade. Oh, yeah. Well, no one knows corner markets better than Vietnamese people, so... Very exciting, Nicole. So, have you put some money aside?

Are you, your sister, and your mother going to be okay during this quarantine? Are you guys going to survive? Yeah. We Asian, we sell money, man. I love that. That's very goodian we sell money man i love that that's very good money and you know a lot of people go to the costco and store and to uh look for toilet paper my ex-boyfriend toilet paper in my house, man. I have mentee. There you go, out there breaking hearts.

Ew. I love that. Jim, I just farted into the microphone. Is that true? Did you really? Yeah, you told me to save it from last week. Well, I mean, I thought you would at least give us a heads up and let us cue it up or something. Leave it to Jeremiah to release a fart while two people are talking at once very good you have the timing of a guy that only farts during podcasts

uh exciting exciting exciting well nicole thank you for the new song is there anything else uh anything else we should know about before letting you go? Oh, the quarantine, man. You know, Tony, what I do? What? I exercise, man. My sister and I, we put on the jogging suit before watching TV.

Put on what kind of suit? A jogging suit. Oh, a jogging suit. A jogging suit. I love that. Before watching TV. Oh, you guys are adorable. You guys are adorable. Well, Nicole, we absolutely love you, and we will talk to you soon, okay?

Thank you. Stay strong. Thank you for giving me time. Bye-bye. You got it. You're the best, Nicole. We love you. Bye-bye. The great for giving me time. You got it. You're the best, Nicole. We love you.

Bye bye. The great Nicole Tran, everybody. There she goes. What a sweetheart. She is the best. We absolutely love Nicole. I mean,

she's another one of those people. Just, she's just got it. She's got that extra element of, especially, obviously in live audiences, really really really knows how to work a room gets them right from the get maintains momentum the whole time really good at using her uh accent and uh asian capabilities to her advantage plays right into all the stereotypes and everything uh Let's just jump right into D5 if you have it loaded up. Yeah, he popped up for a second.

Oh, okay. Okay, cool. All good. Got another question? Yeah, what's our favorite podcast to listen to other than Kill Tony? Jeremiah's is definitely Jeremiah Wonders. He has a new episode out with with Jesse

Johnson oh look at that overexposing our sweet little angel already look at that all the mystery and mystique of Jesse's I spilled it all oh no the beans have been spilled man who the fuck is that guy who the fuck

is that I don't even know that guy who's that guy? Who the fuck is that? I don't even know that guy. Who's that guy? Is this the JPEG? Oh, that's the boyfriend. Is that a Nicole Trans place? I've been listening to Hot Boxing with Mike Tyson. It's really good.

Oh, wow. It's fucking amazing. How about you, Jessie? King of the Sting. that's a good one. My roommate, Shepard Lacey, is on that now. Killer podcast. Spoiled the Beans with Derek Poston and Hasan Ahmad. I love those guys, definitely.

I like Stevie Weeby. I was just on Stevie Weeby. I fucking loved it. What a great guy. He's the best, dude. Check out Stevie Weeby. How about you, Red Band? Anybody else?

Any other podcasts? I really like everything Tom Segura and Christina do, but my off-the-out-of-nowhere podcast would be called Ear Biscuits. If you're a good Mythical Morning fan, it's with Rhett and Link. I've been listening to Tom Segura. Hey, there he is. The great and powerful Dom Irer is joining us on Kill Tony Live. How you doing, Dom?

Hold on. We just got to get the audio tuned up. Hold on one second. Keep talking. I think he has it muted. You might have it. Hold on. Hold on.

We can't hear you, Dom. You might have us muted. Can you hit a button on there and unmute us? We might be muted there. Oh, it might be the headphones. Can you unplug the headphones? Unplug them from the jack on... Attached to the thing there.

Hello? It's like the opposite of Tristan. Dom Irera. You look great. Hold on, we can't hear you. He's signing. He loves us. He loves us.

You're like one of those sign language people helping out all these politicians right now. We're working on getting the sound going. Hold on. Hold on. Wait for us, Dom. Hold on. We're going to get this to work here. If this is your cell phone, you could just unplug it and use your microphone

and headphones on your cell phone is it a laptop or a cell phone i don't think those headphones have a microphone it's a cell phone oh it is a laptop it was working he's doing hacked out he's killing it he he's absolutely being hilarious however we are waiting to see if we can get sound. They had sound earlier. He's making funny faces. That is right. Absolutely. Yes.

Yes. He was on the Golden Girls, I think he's saying. Yes. Absolutely. Hey, Arnold. Hey, Arnold. Jerk me off, Arnold. Yeah he just spit on spit on his hand we have almost everything in order except for sound one of the more important things in the

podcast and entertainment world we're so close i can feel it dom we're gonna have you in here any second i know it's going to work. Let's see. What could have changed? I wonder what could have changed on their end, on the laptop, to make sound go away. Should we maybe hang up and then try to reconnect afterwards? Let's try that. Dom, we're going to call you back.

We're going to try this again in just a couple minutes. We love you. We're going to check back in with the great Dom Irera there he goes the great dom irera everybody so we're gonna get that tooted up and uh in the meanwhile perhaps while one of you guys work on that we can uh perhaps we can queue up we have another special guest teleconferencing. And I hear through the grapevine. No doubt about it. Ladies and gentlemen, we are we have gotten one phone call. And and we have gotten this call from a prison.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are checking in with Shanks live from prison. Here he is. Shanks, how are you in with Shanks Live from prison Here he is Shanks, how are you doing? Yo, what up? Wow, they just closed you in there and everything How's prison going? Yeah, man, people freaking out about this quarantine and stuff Man, I've been in quarantine a long time in here, dog

Oh, shit What prison are you in right now? What part of the country are you in? Yo, Cali State Penitentiary. Whoa. What'd you do this time? I was doing some more raping. Yeah.

I was in a couple months ago for shoplifting, but this time, rape again. Oh, my God. Who did you rape? Man, this dude's booty hole recently. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's not on the record of saying who he is because he don't want to be embarrassed or nothing. But good to see you.

Oh, my goodness. Thanks. That's incredible. Where'd you rape this guy at? West Hollywood. Oh. Yeah. Was it in like a grocery store parking lot or something?

Yeah, Ralph. Huh. Excuse me. Wait a second. Wait a second. Is that the guy? Let me out of here, dog. Is that the guy?

Let me out of here, dog. Is that the guy? That was incredible. I thought Red Band was going to... Come on, man. Oh, wow. You actually have a shank on you right there. Yeah, man.

Yeah, for sure. Wow. My God. What is that? Red Band's peanut butter knife that fell up? I whittled this out of different people's toothbrushes and Chipotle wrapping. Oh, my God. We've found out in the past that you tend to use chipotle wrappers for a

lot of things i know i got my grill that's all i got my grill dog that's how i got this set right here wow that's incredible so shanks uh we found out today um actually there was breaking news that harvey weinstein got the uh coronavirus oh, man, that's terrible. Do you know Harvey? Have you ever worked with Harvey before on anything? I mean, I tried to audition for him and stuff when I was on The Outs, but, you know, he don't like people like me, so it's all good, you know? My goodness.

What films did you audition for? Was it perhaps one of Tarantino's films? Titanic. Titanic? Yeah. Who were you going to be on the Titanic? Home Alone 2. What? Yeah.

Baby's Day Out. Baby's Day Out? Yeah. Is that a real movie? I've never even heard of Baby's Day Out. You never heard of Baby's Day Out, dog? You ought to get on that, man. No.

Come on. The producers in the booth seem to have heard of it. Man, y'all heard of it, right? You gotta get on that, man. No. Come on. The producers in the booth seem to have heard of it. Man, y'all heard of it, right? Y'all heard it? Yeah. The hip kids, they all know about this. Oh, man. It's another victim. My goodness, Shanks. Incredible. So when are you due

out for release or bail or whatever? I'm on parole in like two and a half weeks. So hopefully this coronavirus will be all chilling and stuff by the time I get out. And then I can go to the beach and stuff. Yo, that's what you're excited to do. You're going to go to the beach. Yeah, but they just close beach parking lots and stuff.

And that's usually where I smoke weed and stuff. So, you know, I don't know. We'll see how it goes. Well, Shanks, we appreciate you coming in. What would you do if we switched places, like that movie Trading Places, like you was in prison and I was hosting Kill Tony? What would you do?

If we switched places, my guess would be that I would be tending to my bloody asshole from getting raped so much. I mean, I would be, let's just say my bunk mate bloody asshole from getting raped so much. Yeah. Okay. I mean, I would be... Let's just say my bunkmate would make me a bottom, and I'm not talking about the bunk.

You know what I'm saying? My goodness gracious. What do you think I would do in prison, Shanks? You've been there a lot. Man, actually, I think that you would join a gang and that you would... You're good at controlling people, you know think that you would join a gang and that you would act, you're good at like controlling people, you know? So you would actually corner the market on other white people and then they would exalt you as their savior and stuff like that.

And I think you'd be all right, man. You'd be trading ramen and stuff and bologna and stuff like that. And you'd be top king in no time. I think I would have a lot of raw men inside of me indeed. I see what you did there, Tony. I like this guy, man. Definitely a lot of bologna in no time. I think I would have a lot of raw men inside of me indeed. I see what you did there, Tony. I like this guy, man. Definitely a lot of baloney in my prison. A lot of baloney in that Tony.

Absolutely. And you are the best, Shanks. We absolutely love you. You are a person of color, and we appreciate the diversity on this show. I know. I'm beige. It's crazy, dog.

We love you, Shanks. There he goes, Shanks, everybody, with his one phone call in from prison. Yo, man, I called. Kill Tony. One phone call. That's right. We love you, Shanks. I think this mic has coronavirus.

Oh, shit. Yeah. You're using it after William. Whoa, what the? And here we are. Ladies and gentlemen, we are, ladies and gentlemen. We are rejoined by the great Dom Irera. Dom, can you hear us?

Oh, wait. Now it's not working again? He starts masturbating. Dom. Dom, can you hear us? Hello. Can you hear us, Dom? He's doing hand signals.

Hey, Dom. Dom, we can hear you. What's going on, Dom? Oh, gosh. Dom, you look fantastic. Can you hear us? You're perfect. You're perfect.

Dom, can you hear us? Good prop act. Dom, can you hear us? It's like Gilligan's Island over there. Now his volume's down. Turn your volume up. He doesn't have his headphones on now. I said, can you hear them? I can't hear them. Shoot.

Let's turn the volume up on them. So now they can hear you. Hello. You can hear me? We can hear them. Let's turn the volume up on them. So now they can hear you. Hello. You can hear me? We can hear you. Hey, do the show, guys. It's a breath of fresh air, I got to tell you. It's different.

Of course, this guy kills when we can't hear him and when he can't hear us. We can't hear each other and talk. Dom, can you hear us now? She's my technician here. I'm sorry. I don't know how to do this. Of course, Dom just has

beautiful women working for him day and night. I'm what? I seriously don't know. here try with the headphones try with the headphones my guess is those are going to work immediately hey dom welcome back hi dom how are you hear us? Well, yeah, I hear you. You're a little loud. Am I turning up the sound? I find this very annoying. Well, thank you, thank you, thank you for joining us. The great Dom Irera is in the house, everybody.

Well, you know, it's a typical Monday night for me, kind of avoiding the plague and doing Kill Tony. I remember when I was a kid and I used to watch you guys and I had punchlines. Remember when I had punchlines? I just do setups.

I do setups now. Wow. Can we hear one of your setups that you've been working on as of late? Hey, what's up with going to church? I mean, is it me? Thank you. Oh, God, you are the best. I used to be when you could hear me.

Yeah. Oh, God, you are the best. I used to be when you could hear me. Yeah, no, you were killing it when we couldn't hear you, and you were also killing it when you couldn't hear us. You were doing great on both, all three formats. And now that we can all hear each other, you're still killing it. You know, I promised myself I wasn't going to cry, but you always somehow get me a little sappy. I'd like to do something I've never done before. I'm going to end my show right now.

However, remember this, you mother... Yes, Tom. I was also Bosco Cellini in Boy Meets World, though. Don't forget that. I was also Bosco Cellini in Boy Meets World, though. Don't forget that. I was in Rugrats. And I was in Rocco's Modern Life.

Now I'm on the Kill Tony and Break My Heart show. That's right. Golden Girls. Seinfeld. Big Lebowski. We saw it today. The sequel? Yeah.

How was it? It was good. It was better than this because they had sound all the way through it. I love it, Dom. It's just good to see you and hear your voice. You're holding up strong through the quarantine. What have you been doing to pass the time? Just rubbing my tongue on everything I can, you know, licking fingers. I walk on the wild side, homeslice. I love it.

You certainly do, sir. This is the hottest cam girl I've ever seen. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, it's important to stretch before you do this.

Stretch my car. Well, Dom, we absolutely love you Thank you so much for joining us Such an honor I was in the neighborhood stop it We love you Dom Thank you so much for popping in We'll see you soon have a great night

Stay safe The great Dom Irera ladies and gentlemen Dom Irera great night. The great Dom Iraro, ladies and gentlemen. Dom Iraro. My goodness. How much fun are we having here? And before we go, do we have a J-12?

Is that possible? Let's link up with J-12 and then we're going to get out of here. So much fun stuff. I can guarantee you that we're just going to have some more fun next week. We're going to do this again. I mean, you know, clearly once live audiences are back into civilization, everything's going to immediately revert back to normal. We're already rescheduling our road dates.

We have a blood oath signed with the comedy store that I made. Dom doesn't know that Skype is still on. It's okay. He's not on the screen, right? No, he's gone. Oh. He's not on the screen, right? No, he's gone. Oh.

So as soon as everything's back to normal, our format will go back to normal. But we're going to keep having fun in the meantime giving you guys something, giving us something. Jesse actually said it after last week's episode at the Ice House. I believe it was you that said, I forgot for a little bit that there was a pandemic going on and i literally wasn't even until you said that that i realized that i had forgotten that there was a pandemic going on and like that

entire time and so it's just sort of fun for us to break the monotony of everything else that is going on. Uh-oh. Wow. That's J-12 if I've ever seen it. We are in the lair of Ryan J. Ebel. Ryan, can you hear us? Yes. Hi, Ryan.

There it is. The classic voice of Ryan J. Ebel showing us tonight's drawing. Look at this. My goodness gracious. Wow! You squoze everybody in there. You had it the right way before. Go switch it back to the other way. There you go. Yeah.

My God. Can you zoom in at parts? Let's get in there. Let's see. We got Tristan bowling bottom left. We got wow. Look at that. William Montgomery, even with his updated down to the hair on William. You've nailed it. Absolute.

That's David Lucas, without a doubt. The great Nicole Tran. My goodness, you did this fast. Red band looking good. Absolutely. Tony Hinchcliffe. Look at that guy. Pandemic Tony right there.

Why do I look like one of the homies of those homie cartoons, dude? Michael Lair with those awesome glasses. And yeah, we got Demon Bird and wow, look at Jesse and Jeremiah. Ryan J,

you are a goddamn national treasure. You are unbelievable. Yeah, thank you. And it is mind-boggling. And you got a sale going on right now, so if you go to ryanjebelt.com, all your stuff's on sale. Yep.

Oh yeah, I'm pushing paper. And I've noticed lately you've been doing a lot of live streaming while drawing lately. Where can people find that also? Is it on your Instagram or is it? Yeah, on my Instagram. I'm going to try and announce them more.

I just kind of did it whenever I felt like I had some time. Absolutely, man. Well, people put on your alerts and check out Ryan J's drawings on Instagram at Ryan J e-belt, right? On Instagram. Yep. That's the one. And we love you so much, Ryan. Thank you so much for everything that you do. Another absolutely incredible drawing. Um, and yeah, thank you. Ryan J e-belt.com for prints, posters, everything from the past. We did it. This is another episode of Kill Tony Quarantine. Put that down for your own pride, please.

Just say it, Jeremiah. Good God almighty. Wait, do we have time to talk about why Jeremiah farted in the microphone? When nobody was looking? It was sort of... Next week. Yeah, maybe next week. Jeremiah has a new episode of Jeremiah Wonders Out. You know

everything about him. He's Jeremiah stand-up on social media. Jeremiah Dash Watkins on Venmo. He'll literally sell you his soul clearly. If you want to buy a percentage of his soul, he will sell it. He will sell absolutely anything to you.

Jeremiah Watkins on YouTube. Yeah, for those of you that want to memorialize 2020, literally the worst year in the history of human health, you can still get a 2020 calendar featuring the Milkman and Shang for all you people that lost your job. Tony and I

were saying that you could mark off all the days of how bad this year has been. Right. You can mark off when all your favorite relatives died and all that. There you go. Wow, that piece of paper is i mean i i've never i've never been able to have it on video me losing respect for you quite like this moment right now that the fact that you made that for this and look how far away the camera is nobody

can read it it was all it was all for nothing. It's just mind-boggling that you made that. Here they come. Look at that. Look at that. Absolutely embarrassing. Tilt that camera to the left. Let's make some noise for the great Jetski Johnson, everyone. The queen bee.

Rose-colored glasses. Kicking all the asses. She's Jetski Johnson on social media. What else, Jessie? It's the worst Women's History Month ever. I just realized that. They all suck. Shout out

to all the women out there. Is that a month? Did they get a whole month now? Women's History Month. We've always had March. March is like Women's Month. Oh, yeah, because they're always marching for things. Exactly. It's the feminist month on the calendar. Oh, my goodness.

Did a man have a month? You guys don't even know. That's how bad it is, despite the corona stuff. We need to bring awareness. Anyway, don't march. I didn't realize that. And perhaps my lack of awareness. Maybe we should try to get feminist Stacey in here at some point in one of these upcoming episodes to talk about it.

I'm sure she's going to be mad at me for not knowing that this was women's history month. Yeah. That's you recorded saying that now I'm in big trouble. How about a big hand for the backbone of the band? The one and only Joel Burke, Joel Jimenez, everyone.

Joel. Joel's mostly sorry on social media. Of course, he's an official Ludwig artist and Joel anything else strange times I love you guys it's all fucking positive energy man let's get through

this we'll see you soon we definitely will shout out to everybody that was on this evening show Nicole Tran David Lucas Tristan Bowling Michael Lair Ryan J Ebel Dom Irera shout out to Betterbox Studios, Speedweed, Go Girl, and the damn good Candle Company. Yes.

Huge sale on everything Ryan J. Ebel. Remember, episodes coming soon. The two Ventura episodes. We're sort of spacing them out since they will be the last two episodes with a live audience released for a while. So expect Ventura number one tomorrow. That's Tuesday, the 24th of March. And we'll send that next one out the week after.

And we'll throw these out in between at some point. And we are doing still podcasts at Death Squad also. So if you are bored, we have Brothers in Cursive, which is David Lucas and William Montgomery, and Brian Holtzman's podcast. And I've been doing the last four days a new podcast, which is just me playing VR. It's called Virtual Red Band. You can find four episodes of that right now at YouTube.com slash Red Band.

Remember, your Miami Kill Tony tickets have automatically transferred to July 31st. If you can't make it, they're going to give you a refund. And July 31st and August 1st is an entire weekend of me doing stand-up comedy shows and Kill Tonys in Miami. Also, The Road to Kill Tony Mania was announced here. That's Sacramento, October 14th and 15th. And Kill Tony Mania, back at Cobbs for the third year in a row. Five shows, October 16th, 17th, and the 18th. And I also recommended some fun things for you to watch. Wild Tales. Don't sleep on that one.

Shirt Tales. That's something you'll be able to recommend to everybody for the rest of your lives. Check out The Tiger King so you can understand all the jokes that we do about it next week. McMillions, Succession, Ozark. Why not watch Pink Floyd reunite in London 2005 after being a broken up band for 30 years Oh you are? Oh wow Shout out to Catherine Williams and Connor Schutte

for Venmoing me Catherine Williams said I heard your soul is for sale Oh wow how much did they give you? $1 Wow look at that that's literally all it takes to get a shout-out from Jeremiah on a hit show. And Connor, tell

Tony you made money from holding that paper up tonight. Thanks for the laughs. Wow, was that $1 too? $1.69. Wow. The absolute bare minimum you're letting people heckle this show for absolutely nothing. Thanks a lot, guys. Be safe. Have a good night,

everybody. There you go. Sure. Good night, everyone. We'll see you next week. Tell your friends.