KILL TONY - KILL TONY #468 – QUARANTINED #23

Episode Date: August 21, 2020

Josh Adam Meyers, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 08/17/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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That's DeathSquad.TV. Tony has his own website. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony, including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchcliffe.com. Ryan J. Ebelt, he's the house artist. He draws every episode and he sells prints of them. Go to RyanJEbelt.com and pick up some cool Kill Tony stuff.

And last but not least, the official merchandise of the Death Squad universe is shop squad dot tv there you got some death squad hats shirts and you also got some kill tony shirts left that's at shop squad dot tv and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony hey this is red band coming to you live from the road famous Comedy Store Main Room for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Inchcliff. Hey, what's up everybody? Brian Red Band, how are you?

Good, how are you doing, buddy? Good, good to be here. Another episode of Kill Tony live on the Sunset Strip from the world-famous comedy Spore. Spore. Spore. Yeah. Like a mushroom. Nice.

Speaking of mushrooms, the house artist is here, the great Ryan J. Ebelt, ladies and gentlemen. He is an amazing artist. He draws every single episode of Kill Tony. Everything is available at ryanjebelt.com. Every episode, every tour poster. And he draws them all episode of Kill Tony. Everything is available at ryanjebalt.com. Every episode, every tour poster. And he draws them all on mushrooms. Yep.

He draws them on mushrooms. He draws them off mushrooms. He draws them. He's known for doing every drug. He's the only person we know that's done every drug. He has the corona vaccine. Everything. Incredible.

All those are available at ryanjebalt.com. We're at the Corona vaccine. Everything. Incredible. All those are available at RyanJBell.com. We're at the Comedy Store. Before we get tonight's episode moving to an unstoppable force, let's check in with our amazing, lovely sponsors. You got to get up to get down. I'm talking about erectile dysfunction, and it isn't always i'm talking about erectile dysfunction and it isn't always easy to talk about erectile dysfunction usually we just brush it off or blame ourselves saying like i think i lost my mojo or we avoid it altogether with excuses like i had a long day at work or

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Oh, and you know something I'm working on right now, that every single sponsor that we have, you'll be able to go to DeathSquad.TV and see them all. So if you're thinking like, man, I know that they're a sponsor of ZipRecruiter, you can go there and see them all on one long list of every single sponsor. There you go. If you ever want to look at a list of our sponsors,

go on over to DeathSquad.TV. Man, traffic, the traffic traffic's gonna hit a real crescendo over there hopefully hopefully your bandwidth is uh no i mean sometimes like you're like about to buy something might as well get a coupon code and save some money there you go save some money save some time go to death squad dot tv and check out a list of our sponsors uh let's get tonight's show started. We have a guest tonight. We are back in the guest range of Kill Tony.

This young man, one of my favorite comedians on the planet. I actually started with this guy over 13 years ago. We've been through it all together. He is the creator and the host of the hit show on Comedy Central, Goddamn Comedy Jam. I perform Central, Goddamn Comedy Jam. I perform on the Goddamn Comedy Jam. All your favorite comedians do at Skank Fest and all the big festivals. He's also the incredible host of the new Spotify show,

The 500, with Josh Adam Myers. It's our guest for this show, the great Josh Adam Myers, everybody. Hey! Yeah! great Josh Adam Myers everybody hey yeah what's up buddy this guy is a brother to me my brother in arms love your Spotify show thank you 500 where you go over the 500 greatest albums of all time, according to the Rolling Stone magazine. Yes. The list is not final in the sense of that these are the greatest records ever, but that's the one that I chose. I love it.

Yeah. I absolutely love it. I'm looking forward to doing it one day when we get to a Pink Floyd album. Is there an album that's on that list that you're like, I can't believe this is on the list. I don't even want to talk about this album. You know what's funny is every single time there's an album that's on the list that I'm like,

I'm not going to like this. I fucking love it. Yeah, that happens. I just did Sinead O'Connor. Oh, she's great. That's great. And it was fantastic, but it was like, you're like, I'm only going to know one song,

and it's the only one I really like. You put it on, and you're like, this is more revolutionary than any Rage Against the Machine album. That version, her version of nothing compares to you does something to me to where like I don't even have anybody that I picture. Like after high school, it was that ex-girlfriend. You know what I mean? That first relationship that didn't go the way you wanted it to. I picture her then.

But now I don't even have anybody to picture, and it still takes me to just the fucking – I could cry every time listening to that. Do you want to know something funny about the song? Prince wrote it, and people think he wrote it about his favorite housekeeper. And so all the things in the song are the things that she did, like water flowers. And so, yeah, it's like everybody thinks

it's a song about love, and it's written about a woman, but it is written about a woman, but his housekeeper. It was really his housekeeper? Yeah, I mean, that's at least the fact that my writer brought up. I don't do, I do the research,

but I have a main writer that just gets everything about every song. Keep counting. It's been seven hours and 15 days? Yeah. Since you took your... I mean, been seven hours and 15 days. Yeah. Since you took your... I mean, the song is biologically correct. Wow.

Anatomically correct. And that's interesting. You have a podcast that the more you listen to it, the better it gets because you're going down a list to the number one, right? Yeah. Like you start off with what, Milli Vanilli or something probably.

I wish Milli Vanilli was on there. That album fucking slapped. It was because we had a friend, our friend Angelo, and Angelo knew everything about music, and he always made fun of me because I didn't know certain albums. He'd be like, how do you not know that album or that band? And I'm like, well, I know the band. I just don't know the album.

I know certain songs. And so I just got bored one day like dude we're all listening to the same music and if you just go in there with like all right I don't care if this is the style of music that I like like I'm just gonna open open listen to it and if it like if you give it the time like the album fucking connects every single one I'm like there are moments where I'm like I hate it and then i'm like nope that's the greatest album i've ever heard in my life well we have a band on this show i don't know if you know this or not but if your if your podcast had to do with the top five million albums of all time the lead singer of our band would probably be your first episode.

We just work. Alright. With no further ado, every single episode, the band commits to being different characters. We never know what they're going to be. Let's all find out together what they are on this evening's episode of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the best damn band in the land. It's the Kill Tony band.

Jeremiah Walken, Strollberg, Joel Jimenez, Jetski, Jesse Johnson, and Chroma Chris. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I know this song. Travel down the road and back again. Your heart is true. Oh, my goodness. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. They are back. My favorite comedy sitcom of all time. What I argue continuously as the funniest show of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, it is the Golden Girls. Oh, you didn't know until I said it. No, I thought this was rock. This is it.

This is the real deal. That's Bea Arthur right there. It's so good. Blanche. Wait, you're not Blanche. It's Blanche. Dorothy. I thought it was your favorite comedy show of all time.

You don't even know her name. Dorothy. Dorothy. Bozer. Rose. Scary Blanche. And Grandma. Sophia. Bozer. Rose. Rose. Scary Blanche. Blanche. And Grandma. Sophia Petrillo.

Dude, how do I not know everybody on that show when I watch it all the time? I know. It's so fucking awesome. Joke, joke, joke, joke, jokes. How you doing tonight? I don't know. How are you? I'm good.

We're good. We're excited to be here. You are too. How are things in Florida right now with the COVID and everything? You guys are okay? Worried about mother as always. Well, how you been, mother? Oh, I'm doing fine. I took a look at myself in the mirror backstage. I look like when E.T. dressed up in the women's clothes.

I was going to say again, you took the words right out of my mouth. You're the only person that when you put on that outfit you look more like E.T. than anything else. It's very bizarre. Thank you. You look like you should be riding an e-bike to the moon. Yeah, that is

pretty cool. Less pedaling that way. And that's Wes Craven presents Blanche back there. The whore, Rue. Why, hello, fellas. I'm on the hunt for a cougar. I mean, I am a cougar on the hunt, and I am whip, yep. Wow.

I mean, you know, it's a pretty lazy-ass Rue McClanahan. You could have fucking gone with a southern accent just to spice it up a little bit. Well, Josh. There it is. Oh oh that just made my dick hard what i was trying to say is i'm a cougar and i would settle for tony the tiger show us a nipple one oh no red band what did he say nothing he didn't say anything and then the loveliest of them all the great rose is here. How are you, Rose? Oh, I'm good.

They told me I'd go and kill Toadie, but I'll be honest, I've never killed anything before. Oh, not even when you were in old St. Olaf? Oh, that reminds me of a story at St. Olaf. You know, they wanted us to kill their rabbits for a stew on Christmas, and I just couldn't do it. I ended up keeping one under my bed for about a year. It was so cute, this rabbit. Oh, I named him Benny. He was so soft. and I just couldn't do it. I ended up keeping one under my bed for about a year. It was so cute, this rabbit. Oh, I named him Benny. He was so soft.

All the kids wanted to play with him. Enough with the stories. Get on with it. That's the Dorothy I know. Always cutting off rows. It's a true story. Aw. Canned audience laughter right there for sure on that one. Yeah, dude.

Make it big. I'm excited about this, guys. We have a bucket. There's people out there spread 20 feet apart in this room. A lot of spread going on out there. And so let's just jump right into it. But let's get things kick-started with a bang, shall we? Oh, look at that.

The one person that's not in the room. What a fucking incredible. Absolutely incredible. Wow, two weeks in a row. Yeah, that's mind-boggling. Let's start off with the bucket, shall we? That sounds exciting. Jesus Christ.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, this is very exciting. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian. Oh, here he is. All right, everybody. He's a regular on this show for right now. Right now he's a regular. Technically, he's still a regular.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know him. You love him. It's the Big Red Machine. William Lights Out Montgomery. Here he is. Oh, okay. There he is. Hope everybody's doing well.

It's gotten to the point where I only read the obituaries to see if they featured anyone I've killed. People ask me if there's anything I regret doing during this COVID quarantine. The only thing that comes to mind is that I really wish I hadn't eaten that bat. Who knew the mass singer would be ahead of its time? I noticed in the elevator the other day that it had a sign that it only goes up. I asked the lady at the front desk how you get down, and she said 311.

That's all I've got right now. There you go. Took you a few seconds to do it. Yeah. That's all I've got right now. There you go. Took you a few seconds to do it. Yeah.

Do a party. Oh, wow. And invited everyone you knew. Hey. You would see the biggest gift would be from me. And the heart of dads would say, thank you for being a friend. William Montgomery. William Montgomery. What a performance to get things kick-started by William Montgomery, everybody.

All jokes, all the way through, 50 seconds of thunder and lightning. So nice to be here. That was probably your best set ever. Thank you so much. That really probably was your best set ever. Josh, did you like that 311 joke? I know you're a big 311 fan.

Big Willie style. I loved everything except for the 311 joke. What do you mean? That was my best joke. The worst band in the history of bands. White people should not do reggae. I'm telling you, you're wrong about this, Josh. Because you're friends with them.

Well, I'm the bass player. It's not a chicken or the egg thing, though. I was a fan of them before I was friends with them. Well, I'm the bass player. It's not a chicken or the egg thing, though. I was a fan of them before I was friends with them. It's 816 a.m. Would you wake up for me? What song is that? That's not that song. That's not that song.

That's not 311. It was a great joke. I just I had friends in high school that loved that band. You'll appreciate this. Have you ever seen them live? No. See, that's that's how I know. I've school that loved that band. You'll appreciate this. Have you ever seen them live? No. See, that's how I know. I've seen them live.

No, but I just don't like white people doing reggae. First of all, it's not a white guy. His name's S.A. Martinez. That is racial profiling. He's Latino. The white guy doesn't do the reggae. You better come to Rich and Miller or else you will get shot.

That's not a 311 song. Speaking of coming. What are you talking about? That's not a fucking 311 song. Trust me, even though I dislike them, I know a lot of their music. Jesus. What are you doing?

Why are y'all dressed up like that? William, William, William. You got to chill out a little bit. I looked over there. Why are y'all dressed up like that? William. Okay. There you go.

Dorothy, you seemed really mad at one point during the 311 talks. Why is that? I had a punchline nine years ago, but this one wouldn't use its peripherals. There it is. There's the Golden Girls sound effect. Golden Girls. Dorothy, you bitch. Gosh.

You could never make me come original, Josh Adam Myers. When things get back to normal, Josh, I'm going to take you to your first 311 live concert, and I'm going to watch you become a fan. And I would go to a 311 concert if it's with you, because we'd have fun. Could I come with y'all? Okay.

Fuck, William. Okay. Stop over-talking. William, we are connecting right now, man. How? It's the first show. How's this happening already? I'm sorry.

We're literally on a podcast. I'm confused. How? This is like your 700th time on this fucking show. I'm confused right now. How? Because I've been sick as shit. Okay.

We heard that months ago. I'm sick as shit right now. Well, we just heard that. You just said that. I am really sick right now. Yeah, what are your symptoms? Coughing, sneezing, eating a bunch of Reese's peanut butter cups. David Deary, did you check his temperature?

No, he didn't. What did it come in at? 97. No, you didn't. What did it come in at? 97. Another symptom. No, you didn't, David. Another symptom. Looking like a coal miner who shops at Old Navy. I mean, come on.

Who is that directed at? Yeah, that was you. Who's that directed at? That's you, my nephew. Hello. Who's that directed at? Come on. Is my penis showing?

Yes. William. Oh! Is my penis showing? Yes. William. Oh! Is my thing showing? Yes. Oh, my God. Why is your underwear all squiggly wiggly? Like, why is it all kit and caboodle like that?

What the fuck, dude? Do you all see my pubes right now? No, your fupa covers them, thank God. What is going on? Come on, what do you mean? I've been working out, Josh. What have you been working out? Your boxers? it's the only thing that looks big on you working out my boxers yeah only thing that's big on me yeah i don't get it you're so weird i don't get it why are you

dressed like you're going to bonnaroo like what does that mean what's bonnaroo you know your underwear is all disheveled you're in cargos you look like the garbage man at bonnaroo. What does that mean? What's Bonnaroo? Your underwear is all disheveled. You're in cargos. You look like the garbage man at Bonnaroo. Garbage man at Bonnaroo. What's up? My name is Alex Rodriguez. Is that your name? Yeah, I'm the garbage man at Bonnaroo.

If that's your name, then that's what I'll bring you up as. Will you please? Arturo Rodriguez. Arturio Rodriguez? Arturio Rodrigo? Arturio Rodrigo. Arturio. Arturio. Man.

Yeah. What's happened? William, let's talk about your personal life. Let's talk about it long, hard, and deep here. What's been going on? Because you've been a wildfire lately. I've been eating a bunch of Prano Pups. Prano Pups?

Yeah, it's a... What is that thing called? It's a hot dog on a stick with bread around it. Corn dog. Yeah, it's a corn dog. A corn dog. Corn dog. I've been eating a bunch of Prano Pups recently.

Literally, I have... Are those like tiny corn dogs? No, they're a feet... It's a feet long. It's a feet long. It's a foot long. How many feet? It's two feet long. Christ, dude.

I've been eating it. Maybe that's why my belly looks like dust. Oh, my God. That's not a corn dog. That's a corn horse. Am I right, people? Sometimes I like to pretend like we still have sold out shows. Yeah, that would have gotten a big one.

They would have done the wave right there. He would have been like, ah! That would have gone good. Yeah, corn horse. Why is your underwear like that? Can we get to the bottom of that? Yeah. What do you mean?

Can we get to the bottoms of that? What do you mean, the design? No, it's like out and in. Josh, he's had his zippers been broken on his shorts for about two months now. And he wears the shorts every single day. Okay, that makes sense. I get it. I have pants like that.

They're comfy, right? They're super comfy. Yeah. I've had them like six years now. David, what are you doing moving around like that, you bitch? You don't ask questions to people. You're a guest on this show, not the host. I'm sorry.

You know that, right? I just hate David Deary. Oh, my goodness. That's why I brought it up. He's a real bitch. Look at those gloves on your hands, you fag. Whoa, William. William, relax.

Looks like he's about to go in my butthole, you faggot. William, is there any truth to you Throwing parties lately and the FBI Threatening to cut off your water and power Yeah I was with Jake Paul two weeks ago What did you guys do We were having sex with guys

Yeah David Deary was there What's your favorite part With his rubber gloves on, helping inserting my penis into a guy's butthole. This guy is such a fag. That's what David does? David guides the penises into the buttholes?

He helped guide my penis into this guy named Dillard's butthole. Dillard? Yeah, a guy Dillard. I think he's from South Carolina. Dillard? Yes, Dillard. Like the department store? Yeah, like guy Dillard. I think he's from South Carolina. Dillard? Yes, Dillard. Like the department store? Yeah, like the department store.

Wow. Was Mervin's there as well? Yeah, Mervin's was there as well. Y'all are really good at this one. Was Ross there? Yeah, Ross was there. How about JCPenney? JCPenney's was there.

Was Cole there? Mr. Cole was not. Circuit City? Circuit City. You messed that one up. Was Cole there? Mr. Cole was not. Circuit City? Circuit City. You messed that one up. Red Band. Red Band. What do you mean Circuit City?

How's that someone's name? He died. Has anybody ever told you you look like the Kraft macaroni and cheese dinosaur? Mmm, yummy. Wow, that's an interesting reference. I love Kraft macaroni and cheese. I knew that was coming. How did you think of that one?

Well, that guy over there, Dorothy knows all the poor people's food. How'd you think of that one? It's true, I'm a poor bitch. Venmo at Jeremiah Dash Watkins. Oh, Jesus. All right. A lot of cereal lately, I've noticed.

That seems to be the new thing. A lot of cereal. I don't That seems to be the new trending thing A lot of cereal I don't know what's going on over there Did somebody tell you that you eating cereal At a low camera angle is a great thing Let's just say a lot of likes You ate a breakfast burrito And then an hour later you had a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch

I like breakfast I'm that kind of bitch what can you say I love it French toast crunch Ordered especially off the internet. Love it. Keep doing it. I think it's hilarious.

I'm your biggest fan. Keep eating cereal. Keep doing. Oh, what the fuck do you know? You're eating two foot long corn dogs. What do you mean I'm eating two foot long hot dogs, corn dogs? Corn dogs. What do you mean?

Corn dog. It's pronounced dog. Dogs. What do you mean? Corn dog. It's pronounced dog. Dogs. What do you mean? Corn dogs. I've been eating corn dogs. See? It's much better that way.

I've been eating corn dogs. What is your diet for real? Are you for real like a corn dog guy? Uncut watermelon. Let's check in with Dorothy real quick. Could you say the corn dogs while you're driving your favorite car, which is a... Ford Taurus?

No, it was Hyundai Elantra is trying to set you up for it. Hey, what's up, y'all? We are going 50 miles an hour in this thing. I mean a corn dog. A what? Corn dog. Doug?

Y'all are really messing me up. Redman, why are you looking at me that way? I would just like to say that went even better than I expected. That's right. Was it really? Hey, David, would you help me guide my penis into his bottom? All right, William. I love today's set.

Like we actually said, and we're not kidding, that might be one of your best sets ever. Coronavirus joke, the bat, the masked singer joke. All topical, all well-written, very, very smart, very, very funny. When am I going to get on Comedy Central? When are you going to get me, Josh Adamsmeyer, on your show? What's going on? You wouldn't even show up. Huh? You wouldn't what's going on you wouldn't even show ladders huh you

won't even show up i won't even show up two weeks in a row you weren't even in the room when we called you even months ago the real move would be the 500 if you get if you can get famous before he hits number one you could probably you have seven and a half years dude is that about how long you know may 31st, 2028. Wow. Yeah. I love that. Yeah, so it's going to take a while.

That's when the end of the world is. What is that date? Episode 500 of Kill Tony is going to be, I believe, in April 2021. I think so. Do you all think I'll still be here for that? Nope. Okay. There he goes. The great, the powerful William Montgomery.

If you threw a party and invited everyone you knew, that's right, you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say, thank you for being a friend. There you go. Might be the best TV theme song of all time. No doubt about it. Yeah, that's top three.

It's on my Spotify playlist that I talk so deeply about. People love it when it comes in out of nowhere. You'd be surprised. I would love you guys to comes in out of nowhere. You'd be surprised. I would love for you guys to play Three's Company sometime. That would be cool. Wow, yeah, play some of the songs from the 60s. It's 70s. This episode is brought to you by Starbucks.

Welcome back winter with a Starbucks drink in hand. Whether you've been waiting for a pistachio latte and pistachio cream cold brew, or in the mood to shake things up with the new iced hazelnut o-shaken espresso. Need to cozy up with a tea latte? There should be nothing stopping you from achieving all your goals. You've got this. All right, I pulled this guy's name out when we thought that our first comedian wouldn't be here. This is very, very exciting. This young man has been coming on and off the show for years.

We have a lot to catch up with him about. Fan favorite, cast favorite, ladies and gentlemen, it is the return, the long-awaited return of Dan Nolan, everybody. Hey! The long-awaited return of Dan Nolan, everybody. Friendship never ends. Here's Dan Nolan. It's great. I just got five years sober at the start of quarantine.

It sucked. I wanted to go out and get fucked up to celebrate. Um, uh, this is so fucking weird. I, uh, I don't know. I'm not actually, uh, uh, completely sober. I did drop acid a couple of weeks ago on my birthday, uh, which I don't think counts. Um, some people think that that counts. I don't, um, but I feel like I always have to clarify,, I'm five years sober unless you are fucking lame. Then it's... A lot of people don't know this. Actually, the guy who founded AA, he got kicked out because he told everybody that they should take acid. And it's, like, really good for sobriety. And they kicked him out. And then, like, when he was on his deathbed, his last dying wish was for a bottle of whiskey. And they refused to give it to him.

And then he just had to die sober like a fucking dork i'd be so mad if someone did that to me i'd be like are you trying to ruin my deathbed like what are you doing i'm gonna do a bunch of heroin on my deathbed for sure like and if you don't like it uh don't come to my fucking deathbed you're not invited you fucking loser that crushes when there's people falling in your pocket. Yeah, no, it's great. I was just about to say. Brilliant. Friendship never ends. If you want to be.

Dan Nolan, The Return, and I'm telling you, I know it crushes. That was all great material, all personal to you. Congratulations on five years of sobriety. Thank you. I love it. It's all about you. It's all about you. It's all true stuff. Fucking incredible.

And educational at the same time. I love that info about PA. Did you really do acid? Yeah. Yeah, on my birthday. I was down in Key West. That's awesome. Did you immediately go, like, wow, I miss this drug shit?

No, I've done it a bunch. I've probably done it like 10 times over the last does it help you with staying sober from other things yeah it like it does a lot for ego like I think I have ego problems and it like really just makes you step back out of reality and look at yourself objectively

and it just like breaks everything down and you're like oh I'm not shit like the universe is fucking gigantic and I'm just like nothing but I'm a part of it so it's cool. It's humbling. He's on acid now. He's like, everything's great, man.

He's like, for some reason I'm seeing the fucking Golden Girls up there. But like a very, very trippy version of them. I thought Ru McClanahan was dead. No, she's in my mind. Dan? This is actually you, McClanahan was dead. No, she's in my mind. Dan? This is actually you, McClanahan. Go ahead.

What were you going to ask Dan? That's a golden shower girl back there. Oh, Jesus Christ. And with the shoes off, it's even more sexual for some reason. It's just, yeah. I'm about to throw up my eggplant. Rue McMahon-ah-hands. I'm just about to throw up my eggs, period.

Your what? My eggs. They're spoiled. And you don't have much left? Chris looks like Rue Klux Klan-ah-hand. So, Dan, tell us more about your life lately. It's been a long time since we've seen you. Last time we talked to you, I believe you said that you were going to go out on the road

and just do this wild, like, tour in a car, right? Yeah, you and I bumped into each other in New York at Skank Fest. It was great. I did, like, four months. I drove all around the country. It was dope. Didn't you have, like, a legit job also like like you're making money yeah now i do now i'm making even more money it's crazy tell us about it i worked at bird scooters the fucking scooter company right uh

as like a systems administrator you get any discounts on these scooters i get free scooter rides still wait a second wait where do you work a bird i used to work at these scooters? I get free scooter rides still. Wait a second. Wait, where do you work? I used to work at Bird Scooters. You're a scooter collector? I know Red Band has a scooter podcast that you should have. He's into the e-bikes. He's known for his cycling. A lot of people have been calling him Brendan Slobly.

That's what they call Brendan. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, they call Brendan. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, they call Brendan everything. I know. They really just love to attack that guy.

So where are you working now? What are you doing now? It's the same job. I'm a systems administrator at a different company. It's like project management software

for engineers. Wow. My goodness. Yeah, I learned to code by myself. I still don't have a college degree. I just learned it

and now I make a lot of money. So it's fucking and it's the whole company's remote. And so now I can do that thing again where I just drive around the country or whatever. Like before the shutdown, I was like, all right, I got life by the fucking balls right now. And then everything like literally that week. So before you started taking LSD, was your ego just like, look at all these poor people suffering during Corona. I am wealthy. Yeah.

No, I had a bad trip because I was in Florida and I was coming up and I was like, oh, look at all these pieces of shit. Like I was on the beach. And then I was like, why am I judging these people? Right. I just started feeling like a fucking asshole. Yeah, that's how I feel all the time. Have you done acid? I know you've done mushrooms. No, I'm not an acid guy.

Not yet. Do you want some? I have seven tabs of acid on me right now. I'll take six. I will talk to you after the show, my friend. Or I could take one right now. I think you should. How long does it take for it to kick in? About an hour. Have you ever taken an antacid before?

Dorothy. Oh, Dorothy. You a fan of the Golden Girls? I've watched episodes and I have had the same reaction that you have. I'm just like, this show is fucking great. It's unbelievable. Same thing with Cheers, too. Some of their shows are so fucking good.

Those shows used to know how to really write around their characters. Yeah. So what's your love life like now, Dan? I've been with a girl for two years. We live together. I just moved back here. I live down the street now. Jesus.

You know, when we met you five plus years ago, you were the opposite of how you are now. You had like nothing together. I literally still had scars on my arm. I had track marks. The first time I did this show, I was homeless. The first time I did it, I remember everything that I owned was in the belly room. I had two suitcases full of everything that I owned

because I had a job interview here that day. And I had just moved out of a fucking motel I was living with with some girl. And I had nowhere to put my stuff stuff so I just left it upstairs. Wow. Wow. I love this. And look at that. Now you have money. You're healthy. You have a good suntan. You've been taking care of yourself.

You have a great relationship. You're happy and you're writing jokes about all this. You're turning it all into a positive thing and that's also funny. Yeah, it's good. I wish I could do I'm not doing a lot of material about drugs anymore. I'm writing new stuff that's just about actual

life and being a person. Because drugs used to be your life and now it's not. But I was like I don't know what's going to be in a minute so I didn't try to cut anything down. Don't drop the fentanyl humor. That shit always works. I always have a good fentanyl joke in your back pocket. Literally every time I hear the word

fentanyl I'm just like me too oh my god everybody should try fentanyl once that is only Josh those views do not represent the

opinions of Kill Tony and the Comedy Story Incorporated. Did you really do it, though? Yeah. I thought that was like... Oh, yeah, Josh. Oh, dude. Josh used to be a real slime ball back in the day.

When I sold the goddamn Comedy Jam, I was high on Oxycontin. Wow. Jesus. Yeah, dude. I used to go to downtown LA and go to Fifth and Broadway, which is Pill Alley.

Let's check in with Rose. Yeah. I thought you only did fentanyl on accident. No, you can do it on purpose. It's way better on purpose. That's what I thought. I didn't think people went out of their way to do fentanyl. I thought that was just something you mixed with shitty cocaine or something.

I put a patch on me. It's like a 100 milligram fentanyl patch. I mean, and it just like was on me for like three days, and it felt great. And I went to a Washington Wizards game, and it was amazing. Wow. Patch Adams Myers. That's what you have to do to make a Washington Wizards game interesting. But, dude, I was like, we were losing by 20 points, but I felt so good. I was like, come on!

Let's go! You're in the jungle! Like, just kept saying shit like that. I love it, man. Well, Dan, congratulations on absolutely everything. You're one of the most awesome fucking rags to riches stories in the history of the show. You know, now that we've been doing it for over seven years, it's cool that we're really getting to see some of these incredible storylines develop with people. And you're one of the best ones that we have.

Cool, man. Yeah, no, it's great to be back. I just saw that you were back here. And so I wanted to hit you up and see if i can get on now look at that that's how fucking quick it happens ladies and gentlemen i present to you the return of the great dan nolan thank you everybody hey it is too easy that's the way it is if you want to be my love, alright. Let's keep it rolling along smoothly. Your next comedian. A regular on the show.

He's a great writer. A great stand-up comedian. And a great roaster. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him. You'll love him. It's David Lucas. David Lucas. Yeah. Yeah.

If any black person votes for Biden, I think you're a fucking idiot. He got on the Breakfast Club and basically said if you don't vote for me, you ain't black. Well, nigga, I guess I ain't black. And then recently he made comments about the Hispanic and the black community

lacking diversity like won't you just go ahead and say nigga you know what I'm saying but I don't trust crime bill Biden because his crime bill is responsible for more black deaths than COVID-19 like you pandering hard as hell to the black people dog you might as well pick

Flavor Flav for your running mate at least you can have a nigga that'll shuck and drive with you when you try hell to the black people, dog. You might as well pick Flavor Flav for your running mate. At least you can have a nigga that'll shuck and jive with you when you try to get the black votes. And give him some free chicken while you at it. All right, that's... I thought that was a minute. No, that's good. You're right. You're right there.

How much time was that? Everybody's done 50 seconds tonight. It's good. That makes sense. It makes sense. 50 seconds is the new minute because. That makes sense. It makes sense. 50 seconds is the new minute because we used to have a room full of laughter. So you're saying you're voting for Trump off the bat. You think in an audience, you think that is going to work?

Tony just came underneath the table. You think a joke like that in a full audience, you think that's going to work? Or it's going to turn half the audience against you? Whoa, Red Band. I don't think I care. Red Band getting serious. Because it's like, bro, both sides, you can say neither political side is for

black people, but I like my racism with tangibles and Trump has been handing out tangibles with police reform. Let's not forget about that. Come on. Red Band knows what he's talking about he watches cnn uh for three minutes a day so he has a very educated opinion on politics gonna start calling him blue band yeah yeah the only thing he likes about the republicans is the elephant all i'm saying is that that's

kind of like you know like an abortion joke almost. Or like a poop joke or a butthole joke. No, I mean that's going to get people angry against you. Yeah, but how can a presidential candidate come on TV and say, if you don't vote for me, you're not black? I mean, I've never heard him say that before. No, he did. It's unfortunate, yeah.

Yeah, it was global news. Yeah, bro. That don't make me want to vote for you. But I think the key to doing, especially in Los Angeles and doing like a Biden joke, it's just you got to balance it out with a Trump joke. You know what I mean? Even if you support like it's like shit on both of them. I mean, it's like, look, I both were fucked up.

You know what I'm saying? You start with that and then you go into the Biden shit. That's it. I mean, and you know, that's if that's if that. And it also depends exactly where you're performing, because if you're doing it to protect yourself, which I don't believe you need to pander either way. But in Texas or Georgia, other right. Any other place south of fucking really? I mean, that's not on a coast.

I'm probably not voting anyway. In California, we have the electoral vote. And look, the joke isn't even about Democrats, Republicans, liberals, or conservatives. It's about race and him pandering to the races. It was about him pandering too much to black people. Too much. Which is absolutely true. Pick Flavor Flam as your vice president. Don't you think Trump panders to white people, though?

Ooh, fucking Sophia with the truth bombs. Welcome to Hot Topics with my mom. That reminds me, I saw a pander at the zoo the other day. Boy, wow. Way to really lose momentum. I didn't really want to come on here and talk about politics, but it's just like if you look at his executive orders, who have they helped the most?

And that's what my point was. Even doing politics and stand-up, it's almost kind of like, why bother because you're just going to fuck up. It's really not even to even make a political statement. It's just to stretch my muscle to write on some shit I know they don't write about. It's absolutely great. It's very important to work muscles and write jokes about

different things. And things that are happening. I'm trying to become a little bit more topical instead of just having jokes. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely. I got something. So you're like the black guy at a Trump rally that everyone has

to take a picture with just to prove they're racist. Nigga, I'm not guy at a Trump rally that everyone has to take a picture with just to prove they ain't racist. Nigga, I'm not going to a Trump rally. I'm not racist. My maid's black. Oh, my God. But, nigga, I have stayed at the Trump Towers before, and them shits is nice. It is the best golf course I've ever played.

So is Mandalay Bay. Jesus. Wait, what? Mandalay Bay? Plays golf once. Are you just saying random things now? Didn't he just say that? Didn't he say the Trump Towers is the hotel, what? Mandeley Bay? Plays golf once. Are you just saying random things now? Didn't he just say that? Didn't he say the Trump Tower is the hotel, right?

Yeah. I said, so is Mandeley Bay. It's a nice hotel. Yeah. Have you stayed at Mandeley Bay? Many times. Really? Yeah.

Because it's not that nice of a hotel. It used to be. Okay, when? Now it smells a little weird. Oh, where do I get these problems? I was born in a circus circus because I'm a poor bitch. Circus, circus. If people don't know circus circus is a broke ass hotel hey golden girls how do y'all feel

about them removing your episode with mud mask saying that it was blackface golden girls how y'all feel about that it's a travesty it was mud it wasn't blackface honey we love you this shit is out of control I'm just glad we all learned something

today despite our differences and we're still best friends. What did we learn, Rose? We learned that we all think differently. I think Red Band just canceled Brothers in Cursive. It wouldn't be because of you, my friend. Oh, I know who it would be.

I don't even know what's happening right now. I've completely lost track of all of this. I heard Tony got a new movie coming out on Disney+. Oh, come on. What are you talking about? What's the movie? Booty and the Beast. Oh. Come on. You play Booty. That's not true. It's a sequel to

Up My Ass. And it's a third one to sex toy story. Tony dressed like he sell dildo insurance. Oh, come on. Why? Do you need to buy some dildo insurance? Because we have a really good rate right now. You could get a $5 deductible.

Hey, we call it a deductible in the dildo business. There's actually a lot of terms for it. There's fucking dildo business. So there's actually a lot of terms for it. Yeah. There's fucking dildo insurance. There's booty hole coverage. I'm thinking of this gay porno called Booty and the Beast where it's like starring Aston.

Starring who? Aston instead of Gaston. No one's gay like Gaston. No one sucks like Gaston. Okay. I don't know. Literally, I've said this a few times in the last ten minutes. I have no idea what's going on right now.

Seems like that outfit's kicking in. It really is. It really is. I'm glad we edited out the part that I took it, but it's kicking in fast. Hey, Tony, you can't let William start the show off no more, bro. That's what set the tone up for craziness. I like it crazy. I like it like this.

But now Red Band's questioning me about my political stance. No, it's true. No, I'm not. I'm just saying. It's true. Look, I respect Red Band's opinion because I take all my political knowledge from a guy that wakes up at 5 p.m. every day.

That's what I'm into. He understands how laws work and everything, right? The law of gravity. It's a beautiful thing. CNN for Red Band stands for Cooking Noodles Naked. Cooking Noodles Naked. My girlfriend does do that for me.

That's the greatest joke I've ever heard in my fucking life. I fucking love that. Cooking Noodles Naked. Cooking Noodles love that. Cooking noodles naked. Cooking noodles naked. That's the idea for Red Band. HBO stands for Home Bakery Office. No, it doesn't. It's Home Box Office.

Whoa. Honey, I'm just kidding. No, you're not. Come on, bro. You actually thought that. He made you some cookies. Red Band thought the E! Channel was about bikes. Oh, Red Band, I don't mean to interrupt you,

but one of the people came and told me your car is going off. Is that true? The lights keep flashing like every Thursday. Oh, no, that's my alarm system. This has now become a weekly problem on Kill Tony. This incredible electric car has a real mind of its own out there. It has an alarm system

where it's constantly taking photos of people. You must have got some grease on the touch screen. You ever jerk off to a photo that your car takes? No, it takes video, Tony. Whoa! What is it? Anything good happening out there? Can you see?

No. It's just because it's parked near the sidewalk so anyone walking by... Oh, gotcha. That's why I keep going? David, so much fun. I love the performance tonight. I love it when people do things out of their comfort zone, things that are different. If only we could get William to do something

different each week. I'm just kidding. He had a great set tonight. Everything's good. And yeah, great stuff. A perspective that William to do something different each week. I'm just kidding. He had a great set tonight. Every, everything's good. And, uh, and yeah, great stuff. A perspective that, uh, would shock people and,

be very compelling to say the least. We love you. The great David Lucas. Yeah. There he goes. Back to the bucket. we go. Wow. We know this young man. He's made a couple appearances on the show in the past month.

One of the great comedy veterans here at the comedy store. A future paid regular of the comedy store. Current door guy. This is a cool guy to hang out with. A fucking fun guy on stage and off. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Mitch Burrow.

Here we go. All right. Okay. Here is Mitch Burrow, everybody. Come on, give him a hand, guys. There's a few people in the room. Thank you. Thank you.

I recently found out about incels and everyone's mad at them. hand, guys. There's a few people in the room. Thank you. I recently found out about incels and everyone's mad at them. I don't think that's fair. These guys aren't getting the fuck. I think they have every right to complain. The people who I don't like are the guys that do fuck and still complain about it. The other day I was with this guy

and he was telling me, he was like, dude, I was fucking this chick last night and the whole time she just laid there. She just laid there. It sucked. And I was like, really? That's what bothered you? That she was there? You didn't like that?

You should try doing it alone sometime. I don't really think you appreciate the situation, right? Plus, me personally, I don't like it when they move around a lot. It makes me think they're trying to get away. So, you know. trying to get away. So, you know. I, having a southern accent, I get upset when people pick on accents. The other day, I heard these two guys behind me making fun of the Chinese accent, and I was like, uh-uh, not on my watch. That ain't gonna happen. So I turned around to let them know. I was like, hey, y'all need to cut that shit out. And it was just two Chinese dudes talking to each other.

So I was like, my bad. I'm an idiot, but my heart's in the right place. Mitch Burrow. Stick right to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to. And I know you're going to want to go away or nothing at all, but I think you're going to want to have a way or nothing at all, but I think you're moving too fast. Moving too fast. Hi, Mitch.

What up, Tony? How's it going, buddy? Man, it's going good. I had a great day today. Hell yeah, me too. I'm right there with you, bright and early on the golf course, hitting the lengths. Yep, had the best game of my life. That is true.

I killed Tony. I tend to bring that out in people. Me and Mitch played golf earlier today, and Mitch won. Yep, that's right. It was a beautiful game, early morning, beautiful, beautiful trip to the top of the mountains of beautiful Pasadena, California. Yeah, I didn't notice any of that. And this fucking guy has a natural stroke

like you could not believe. Insert gay joke here. Oh, he's about to have one also. Yeah, I thought it would be about me being overweight and dying. Well, that one too, I guess so. Absolutely. Thank you.

Thank you for beating me to the punch there, Mitch. I love it. Absolutely fantastic. We had an Arnold Palmer, the god of golf. We had a spiked Arnold Palmer. Which is a John Daly. Yeah. It was incredible.

It was fucking awesome. Nothing better than a fucking liquor lemonade iced tea. It was probably about 1045 a.m. Yeah. Real quick, I just want to off topic. Josh is here. Something very funny happened to me during quarantine. This guy's a big fan of the 500 podcast because he thinks it's about his weight.

Robust. Josh has one of my favorite jokes and I got reminded of it. I was I was in bed with this girl during quarantine and she was like, hey, do you want me to suck your dick? And I was like, that'd be great. And as she went to do it her fucking hip popped and i was i just go oh man it's like i'm about to get my dick sucked by josh adam meyers yeah dude dude and she just said who is that and i was like yeah never mind my bad you're thinking of josh while you're having sex i never came harder dude i'm glad i popped in your head while you had an erection. Yeah, dude.

That's something every comic wants to hear. Now that's happened with every comedian up here. I think about Josh every time I'm getting a blowjob from a girl that's on fentanyl. When she gets nude and I see that fentanyl patch, I think of you, buddy. Also, I think Josh just had an allergic reaction to a nicotine patch and thought it was fentanyl. Dude, I stole it from my mom. I know it was real.

He has a nicotine patch, a fentanyl patch, and you just have a sour patch. And you sort of look like a cabbage patch. All right. Don't forget about all the patches on the split jeans. Whoa. How hard was it for you to change the band name to Lady A? Lady Antebelli. What?

Lady Antebelli. She's a southern. She's a country band. And Antebellum represents slavery. And then she was like, you know, we're going to change it to Lady A instead of just, you know, completely different. And then it turns out there was a black female artist who's been Lady A for a long time.

And she sued her. And Lady Antebellum sued Lady A. Yeah, they sued her. She was like, we care about the black people. Sued a black woman. From the past. After they changed their name to her name. Yeah.

To be fair, that black woman had never been a slave. So, you know, she didn't really care. What happened with that lawsuit? Do you and David talk a lot? Because I feel like you two would get along. Yeah, we started working out together. You're just like, fucking Trump's the man. I can see the results.

Throw that away for Trump. Are we just going to breeze past the fact that Tony took credit for your win today? No, that's what's funny about it. That's been the running joke with us. It's the only thing running that has to do with Mitch. I love it when you're wrong because all those jokes get put on you. Well, he'll be off in a few minutes. We'll be right back.

Are you a Trump supporter? Good question from Josh. No. Oh, you're not? No, I don't like the way that he talks. But I thought I had heard you say that you were like... I was a Republican? Yeah.

Oh, okay. So you're a Republican. See, that's the problem. You can be a Republican and be like, you know what, man? I fucking like guns, but I don't like fucking idiots. Right. And then you pick and choose. Okay, I'm not looking for a slow don't like fucking idiots. Right. Yeah. And, you know, then you, like, pick and choose. Okay, I'm not looking for a slow clap.

I appreciate it. Yeah. But, like, it's just. Keep going. It's okay. Ignore the band. It shouldn't be a team sport. Right.

You know, like, when that dude from Alabama was getting accused of trying to have sex with teenagers, all the Republicans should have been like, hey, you know what? We'll take the L on this one. Right. Democrats can have it. We'll come back next time and beat you with a guy that doesn't fuck kids. But they said, you know, this is still our guy. And that's when I quit being a Republican.

Exactly. So now you're going to vote for Biden in this upcoming election? No, I just ain't going to do it. I voted for Gary Johnson last time. I just ain't going to do it. I voted for Gary Johnson last time. I'm just going to keep voting for Gary Johnson. That's my guy. He runs every four years, right? He wears a sport coat with blue jeans. That's my

dude, man. Yeah, dude. I like that. He's business and casual all at the same time. Wow. Sport coat and blue jeans is like the mullet of attire, so I dig it. Very, very interesting. Who else have you voted for in the past? I only voted that time.

Yeah, my grandmother was asking me what kind of sausage I wanted. I was like, Jimmy Dean. As a write-in? I really only voted once. The rest of of the times i was like oh you know it's okay everything's cool and then trump started running i was like i i wanted to go and you voted twice i just wanted to go third party right of course i didn't i mean no i only voted the one time right yeah you don't get to vote more more just because you're bigger unless you have right i was thinking about your absentee ballot back in georgia no no no i never did that even

when i was in the marine corps i never voted because i just figured everybody else could would figure it out i shouldn't people like me shouldn't be voting anyway right i didn't you look at the ballot you don't know half of the names on the list. Usually when you're voting, it's for a new Mountain Dew flavor. You know, that's not fair. Here's what happened. South Park did a thing about it with a fat guy and a Mountain Dew. Mountain Dew used to be. Was that true?

Did they? Yeah, but Mountain Dew used to be energy drinks. Right. It was the extreme people, motorcycles, fucking skydivers do that yeah you know fucking it was do the do extreme baby yeah and then south park was like look at that fat bald guy with a computer and now that became the joke it ain't it ain't right oh that's i just think of white trash that's all i think of when Yeah, who do you think rides motorcycles and goes skydiving? I just said all those things.

I'm just saying I don't think of fat, like, nerdy guys at a computer when I think of Mountain Dew. I think of just white trash. Oh, okay. Well, then, yeah, I love Mountain Dew. I just don't want to be associated too on the nose. I love it. What else has been going on, Mitch? What's going on in your world?

I just had a birthday. Oh, shit. That's beautiful. Yeah. You get to eat cake and have an excuse this time. You bought me a cake. That's right. And I was...

A cupcake. I was looking at the comments on here, and someone said... On where? On the Kill Tony videos. On an episode that you were on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't do that. Oh, no.

You know what it was? I did Holtzman's. No, they like me. It's great. I can't wait to read about it later. Who does that? People that haven't done Acid. Go on.

I still have an ego, so I still got to feed it. You still have an ego after reading the comments? Yeah, man. You have an ego. So I still gotta feed it. You still have an ego after reading the comments? You have an ego. Dude. Okay. Listen to everything that these fuckers and you were saying and then you think a comment on YouTube is gonna bother... They're nicer than what you guys do.

That's sweet. Thank you. Yeah, I have to go read the comments immediately after this just to feel, because you're like, you know, Mitch, he really ain't that fat. Okay. So you read the comments and then what happened? So it was on the Holtzman episode that I did on Dead Squad. Yeah.

So I did Dead Air. And someone said, I wonder if Kill Tony still has a dark soul From when I did the DMT And I told him I was like Tony actually His soul is very bright and shiny now After I got that birthday You responded to a comment on YouTube? Yeah I let him know

I ain't gonna let him talk about you like that man What the fuck is wrong with you? And now they follow me I got a new fan Oh my goodness You know you gotta interact with these people Do you? Yes goodness. You know, you got to interact with these people. Do you? Yes, you got to.

I think you need to interact with these people, Mitch. Well, that's what I'm talking about when I say that. Me. I love it. I'm very needy. Did you get anything good for your birthday other than a cupcake? I got some new flip-flops. Ooh.

And some board shorts. Wow. For when I go surfing. Damn. You surf? No, I did it. I tried it once. I had to when I go surfing. Damn, you surf? No, I tried it once. I had to use a paddle board. Oh, please.

Actually, shouldn't have said that out loud. Please, we need video of this. It's called sinking whenever he goes. Eventually, everyone does that, Jeremiah. My goodness. Dorothy. Sorry, which one's the whore? That's this one right here.

That's the terrifying one. What would you do to her if given the chance? Whatever the law allows, I guess. I saw her doing that thing with her tongue. I like tongue stuff. Whoa. Her hip definitely popped. Blanche meet ranch.

I thought your set was really good. Thank you. Oh, wow. Are you the oldest one? Yeah. You know, she was actually the youngest of the actresses. Yeah. I got a lot of Golden Girls trivia.

Really? What else? What else do you know? That's actually, I didn't think you were going to follow up on that. Ah, yes. Quentin Tarantino, I believe, once played a pizza man Or something like that Elvis impersonator I always get the pizza man and Elvis impersonator

Favorite show of all time It was like a three second cameo I only saw one episode And that was the one where the whore She rear ended a guy Because that was her move She'd see a guy with a Lexus or a Cadillac Bump into him,

and then exchange information and be kind of slutty and then start dating him. This one, she did it. He got out wearing a neck brace, and then was like, I'm going to sue you even though you're a whore. And then that was what the whole episode was about. I invited Quentin Tarantino to kill Tony one time. That's true.

I think we talked about this on the Ice House episode. Tony didn't believe me at first, but he thought I was pulling his leg. But I went up to him at a restaurant when I saw him eating there. I've always wondered why Quentin has never shown up to this show. And that confirmed it right then and there. I was dressed as Dorothy from The Golden Girls. I do a show at the Comedy Store. Were you wearing the flip-flops?

He's in the feet. Oh, that would have helped, actually. I always thought growing up when I was young that Dorothy was a man dressed up as a woman. I thought so, too. Really? Yes. Bea Arthur?

Jesus Christ. Because I'd never heard a woman with that deep of a voice before. And she was tall and lurky, kind of. If you're going to have a voice that deep, you should be Arthur. Oh, my goodness. There you go. There he goes. Mitch Burrow, everybody.

That was it. There's Mitch. Mitch, what's your social media again? At Mitch Burrow. At Mitch Burrow on everything. And Dan Nolan Comedy. Beautiful. You know what?

Let's go to the bucket one more time before... But I think it's better that way. Yeah, yeah. I said don't go chasing waterfalls. All right. Pulling another name out of the bucket. We know this young man. He's been on the show before as well from the great state of Louisiana.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is the one and the only. I do believe he's here, here comes, with no further ado, a guy that goes by the name of Nate Welch. Nate Welch. Here comes Nate. Here comes Nate. Here's Nate right here. Here he is. Live in the flesh. Here's Nate.

Thank y'all. A lot of people think I ain't got no culture just because I look like this. I like art and shit. Like Star Wars. That's art, ain't it? Or Van Gogh's Starry Night, that painting? That bitch is tight. Don't believe me? Look at it, son. And Back That Ass Up by Juvenile is a classic that will transcend the test of time. See, for those of y'all who don't know, cash money took over for the 99s and the 2000s, and I'd be willing to bet they're going to be taking over

for the 2-9-9-9s and the 3,000s. Just imagine like a bunch of twerking Terminators. Because I've been a bouncer for 12 years. Some of the biggest clubs in New Orleans and some of the biggest clubs out here. And it's a universal fact. As long as they got ass, they're going to back it up when Juvenile tells them to.

There you go. Yeah. As long as you love me. Fuck yeah. Nate Welch coming in with some unexpected back that ass up material. I would not have predicted that. If given 1,000 guesses, I wouldn't have guessed that you would have gone with a juvenile theme set tonight. This is M. Night Shyamalan ending.

A lot of cash money references in there. Not what we would consider topical, but educational. He's like, I got 10 minutes on the terror squad. That was like a big gang warfare when I was coming up through high school. The No Limit Soldiers versus Cash Money Records. The Alliance of the Great Master P. Mystical. Silk the Shocker.

Sea Murder. Sea Murder was a big one. Even Snoop Dogg at one point. Snoop Dogg signed with No Limit for a bit there. Incredible. And then, of course, Cash Money Records. Juvenile. Lil Wayne, a tiny little boy at the time.

He was actually Lil back then. And the great Birdman was also part of Cash Money. Cash Money. Cash Money. Who else? BG. Mia X. Oh, Mia X was a No Limit Soldier. She was on the tank, as we call it.

I was actually a No Limit Soldier in my imagination. I had taken a stance. I had taken a true alliance with it. That's what I would listen to in my headphones while cutting weight for wrestling. Running around with trash bags on. Or as some of you would call it, being red band. No, I'm kidding. You don't run around.

So let's talk about it. Nate, you a fan of Cash Money? Oh my god. Sometimes it's just too much, honey. You're from New Orleans, right? Yeah I have an older friend from there And even he knew the hot boys They were so big for a while I don't know any of these people, by the way

You don't know any of them? No You were like 35 at the time No, I mean, it was my hippie days, I think I stopped listening to rap Gator boots And fixed up Gucci suits. And I'm so drunk because I'm still flying.

Oh, I know that song. Hey. Did you start stand-up in New Orleans? Yeah, I did it for about three months. So they do have comedy there. I was told that they don't even have a comedy. It was not really. It's nothing like out here.

It's nothing on that level. Well, what's the comedy club there? They don't really even have anything. There's no one Howlin' Wolf or Howlin' Jack. Dr. Jimbo's Laugh House down on East Old Street. The Howlin' Wolf is like the closest thing they have, but it's more of a bar that they just do a good comedy show. It doesn't even have a name.

It's just a noise. All right, here we go. The five's on the seat box. Dude, that probably kills the fucking hot boy shit in New Orleans. I bet you've got like 20 minutes on Katrina. I could talk for Katrina for a long time. I don't really got no minutes on it right now just because I didn't really tap. I've been writing on that.

I never really tried none of that shit just because it's just I got about 20 minutes of other shit. I got 45 minutes on gumbo. I can tell you about 20 centuries for about 15 minutes. What do you miss about New Orleans? Dude, I miss so much back home, but I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss the culture.

You friends with a guy named Jimbo? Jimbo? No. No? I know a Jim and I know a Bo. Whoa. Knowing a Bo is half the battle, really. B-E-A-U-X.

Of course. Wow. Oh, my goodness. I wrestle allig course. Wow. Oh, my goodness. I wrestle out of Gators. Yeah. Yeah. My hometown got destroyed in Katrina, so I could probably. Is that true?

Oh, shit, they done took my shack. My goodness. Yeah. So you were in the lower ninth ward? No. That's what the internet says. But, no, Buras is, like, you know how Louisiana looks like a boot? I'm from the very tip of the big toe of the boot.

Oh, my goodness. And, like, we got hit before in New Orleans. But it's a small town with nobody. Is your house destroyed? Yeah. Everything destroyed? Yeah. We had a two-story house, and there was, like, 18 feet of water in it.

Water? Yeah. So it was, like, at the light switches on the second floor. Wow. Yeah. And my room was downstairs. Did you get, like, all your good personal stuff out of there in time? I evacuated. Like, my room was downstairs. Did you get all your good personal stuff out of there in time? I evacuated.

Our family evacuated. And hurricanes, it was almost like a crying wolf thing where it's like once you do it so much, it just kind of becomes routine, and you don't really think about it no more. So all your stuff got ruined? Yeah. Well, we have a special surprise for you. We went through the house. We got your baseball card collection.

Ladies and gentlemen, bring it on out. Here's Nate Stump from Hurricane Katrina with a pimped up Gucci suit. I had three pairs of clothes and a PlayStation 2 after Katrina. Madden had just come out. Say that again? I had three pairs of clothes and a PlayStation 2. Oh, wow. Living that William Montgomery lifestyle.

Very cool. But, yeah, it was uh you know i don't want to make it sound like a sob story because it was like you know it felt like the best thing that ever happened to me not right away but anybody you know dying katrina um not grandma nobody died like in the storm it was a choice between my playstation and grandma now did they did they rebuild your town or they like they, like, nope? They rebuilt it, but not like it is. Okay. Because, like, down there they had three schools.

They had Portsmouth, Buras, and Bovell. Wow. And after Katrina, they all got destroyed, so they rebuilt one school. Wow. And everybody went back. Now they have an excuse for why no one from there can read. Yeah, right? Exactly.

Like, that's not really an excuse. It's just more like, you know, it happens. Yeah. They don't do that a lot. They don't like doing that. They like not really an excuse. It's just more like, you know, it happens. Yeah. They don't do that a lot. They don't like doing that. They like going fishing and shit. You're wearing a water boy shirt. That was centered from around your neighborhood? Yeah. I'm pretty much from the same place as him. A lot of guys that you know talk like that one coach from there? My stepdad.

Oh, wow. Really? Is that true? Yeah. Swear to God. You talk to him often? No. Oh. I beat him up twice. Really? You beat to him often? No. Oh. I beat him up twice. Really? You beat him up twice? Yeah.

You won both fights? Yeah. My goodness. Dominated him? Yeah, I knocked out two of his teeth with one punch. Oh, my God. Well, those must have been pretty loose. They were.

Let's face it. Yeah, they weren't in there. They weren't full. You know what I'm saying? They was hanging on by a thread. Those Louisiana dentists don't necessarily keep it. Happy Thanksgiving. Wow.

That was on Thanksgiving? What happened? He wouldn't pass the turkey? Nah. The turkey? Nah. Can you please pass the two-foot-long corn dogs? Nah.

I just, you know, he had put his hands on my mom, and I found that out. And I told him if I ever catch him, I'm going to whoop his ass. Oh, shit. And I caught him, so I whooped his ass. Oh, my God. What type of hands did he put on your mom? Oh, on your mom.

I just said in your mom. I'm like, how did he do that? No, that's my stepdad. I'm assuming that's going to happen. But don't put them on her. Like, don't hit her. That's my mom. I'll defend the chick over there. I don't even know. You know what I'm assuming that's going to happen. But don't put them on her. Don't hit her. That's my mom. I'll defend

the chick over there. I don't even know. You'll hit your mom before he hits you. No, I would never hit my mom. I've never had a female. I know some big bitches I could give $20. What's the biggest argument you and your mom have ever gotten in? That's a good question.

You're going to go to church this Sunday night. No, that ain't the kind of people. Where the fuck do you think New Orleans is, Tony? What the fuck is... He's like, a gentleman caller. You better come to church with me on Sunday. Oh, I don't count the vapors. That's where you're going to go is church on Sunday

if you know what was good for you. Mary-Kate and Katrina really ruined everything. Right, I'm from New Orleans. You better go grab that crocodile in the gumbo. We're going to church on Sunday, whether you like it or not. We're going to the kink of the church, all right? We eat two things in this house, gators and kangaroos. These are the things that I like.

I am from the Baton Rouge. Wait, Rose, what did you say? I said, oh, matey, I think this acid's kicking in. Oh, amino acids don't even get me started. I love it. I love it. So what did he do? He punched your mom?

Yeah, apparently he hit her at a bar. Hit her what? At a bar. Oh. And I'm a bouncer. I've been a bouncer for 12 years. I protect people. Right.

So he did a horrible job that night. I wasn't there. Wow. Otherwise it wouldn't have happened. He was like, I was on my break. My combo break. It wasn't at the bar I wouldn't have happened. I was on my break. They weren't at the bar I worked at. Right. It was a different bar. No one would hit your mom at the bar that you work at.

You take her to the bar next door. Yeah, don't do that. He's like, guys, I'm going to take my 15 minute shrimp po' boy break. Yeah, a shrimp po' boy and a cigarette would be phenomenal. Thanks. You ever put your cigarette on a po'boy and do them both at the same time? No.

You ever put a... It's a Louisiana slammer. In Louisiana, a fun fact is they have patches for that. If you go too long without a po'boy, you just put them on. A po'boy patch? I need a po'boy patch. You do? I put on a gumbo patch and take a hot bath.

It rushes in. A po-boy and a daiquiri would be phenomenal. Oh my goodness. Wait, Ryan, I've never heard you laugh like that in the history of the show. What did you like about all that interaction? He was thinking about po-boys and daiquiris.

It was what? So many Louisiana references. So much Louisiana references. You like Louisiana hot sauce? Yeah, Tabasco. What else do you miss? Like I said, I miss the culture. I miss my friends.

You ever go to the Tabasco factory? No. His favorite singer, Praline Dion. Praline Dion. I was going to play my heart. What's going on? Yeah, but pretty much just, you know, the people. That's pretty much what I miss the most.

That's it. They have good hearts down there. Yeah, they do. And they do here, too. But, I mean, you know, just down there it's a little different. Yep. But I really like it. Down there it is a little different.

It is. Down under it's a little bit different down there. Hey, down there. Down there, it is a little different. It is. Down under, it's a little bit different down there. Hey, down there. Down there in Louisiana. Got all that from the big easy. Welcome to Louisiana. How good are you, mate? This is what Louisiana's like.

We got boomerangs and kangaroos. Have you ever been to Babin Street before? Yeah. This is super inside. Babin Street, yeah. Go ahead, Joel. I always love it when you start a reference with this is super inside, but go ahead.

I'm letting you inside my mind for a second. When you were ever like, when a guy had a girl, when he grabbed her in a bar, did you ever say, you better muff a letter go? Let her go, muff a lot. Okay, we'll fuck it. Never mind. All right.

We're going to edit that part out. Wow, this crowd is fucking awesome. I love it here. The good thing. Muff a lot is a shitty sandwich. I enjoyed it, brother. Thank you. Thank you, my girl.

I thought it was great. You guys have definitely traveled down the road and back again. Damn back again. That's it, bro. Nate Welch definitely traveled down the road and back again. Damn back again. That's it, bro. Nate Welch, so much fun. Such a great talk. Thank you all so much, bro. So entertaining.

Thank you so much. There goes Nate Welch. There he goes. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Gucci suits. I can pay my rent Cause all of my money's spent But it can still fly

It is that time of the night, ladies and gentlemen, where we bring up our regular Mick Schmegular. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, a force of absolute nature. Every single episode, including the send-in video quarantine episodes, this guy always takes things to another level. Fresh off

of having boiling water poured on him in a Rambo monologue battle. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great Michael Lehrer, everybody. Here he is. Being disabled, you sit on your balls a lot. All men do sometimes, but being disabled, you do all the time. When a man sits on his balls, he can quickly move off his balls.

But when you're disabled, the word quick is no longer in your vocabulary. So you stay sat on your fucking balls like some Game of Thrones shit. If you have a pussy, you have no idea what I'm talking about. Sitting on your balls is like giving birth. Sitting on your balls is like giving birth. I have caught my penis in my zipper. I burned it with cigarettes. Not because I'm disabled. Because that's what the men pay me for.

Ben Moore cashed. Comedy 69. What? Oh, shit. There he goes. When you hear that fuck with me, you know his set is over. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Mocha Choco. Have you?

Real Big Babylon. have you ever sat on your balls before yeah absolutely luckily you have long balls you've talked about this before yes i have but luckily thanks to the great people over at um sheath underwear uh my balls stay closely tucked into my body. But back then, back when I was a kid, like in high school and shit, I used to wear boxers like William Montgomery. Like, you know, like a guy that doesn't give a fuck or understand how gravity works. Like a real fucking stagats over there.

Like a real fucking gaguts. Like a real fucking like a real fucking discrazia. I wear boxers. Fa-fang-gula. Thanks. Okay. Sometimes I yell at William in Italian.

It's a thing that I do. Welcome to the show, Michael Lair. Unbelievable set. I fucking love you. I love that you're rocking the new Hinchcliffe Hulkamania

montage shirt. Oh, this old thing? Yeah. That's fucking sweet, dude. Yeah. Fuck yeah, man. Yeah, man. thing? Yeah. That's fucking sweet, dude. Yeah. Fuck yeah, man. Yeah, man. Welcome, welcome.

Very, very fun set. Thank you. My favorite part was when you said the word vocabulary. Yeah. It's like a collection of words if you have cocks in the mouth. I like you, man. I liked your... This is the first time I've ever seen you. I liked your, like,

aggression. You were really intense. Oh, I'm dying, so I'm real mad. They should call you Slow Rogan. Oh, yeah. Oh, Jesus. Michael Lair could kill you after this. Yeah, I know.

But you can suck my fucking dick. No, no, no. Michael Laird could kill you after this. But you can suck my fucking dick. No, no, no. Come on. Come on. That's a compliment, Slow Road. You're great. He meant it in a good way. I'm sorry, Tony.

I don't know all the rules. No, it's good. It's good. It's like, you know, Michael's an animal. No, it's cool. Michael's a... Isn't everybody cool? Yeah.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, my's cool. Is everybody cool? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh my goodness gracious. Michael Lehrer, you have an earring for the first time tonight. Is that a real earring? Is your ear pierced or is that just a piece of your wheelchair hanging off your head? It's pierced. I got it pierced in seventh grade at the Queen Center Mall.

Oh, I was going to ask you which mall. And I put it in again. Because I'm more Hollywood and shit. And I'm looking good. I'm right this way. I'm in the place. You have a hat that is representing downtown Los Angeles, a place rarely traveled by almost everybody that lives in this city. Except if you got a wheelchair, we all hang out down there.

Why do wheelchair people congregate in downtown Los Angeles? Is there like a magnet down there that just pulls you guys towards it? Yeah, it's a magnet to a crack pipe, you idiot. Whoa, I'm the idiot? Yeah, I smoke crack because I'm melting. Do you smoke crack sometimes? No, but I am going to experiment with more drugs as I get my last licks in. What drugs are you looking forward to trying?

Thank you. Oh, trying? No, I don't try shit. I do shit, motherfuckers. All right. Hey, oh, I went to the doctor this week. I go to Ced this week. I go to see their sign. Every doctor who comes in the room, they ask me, do you have a commode?

I'm like, I'm not leaving. Hold on, a commode? Yeah, like a tushy. Oh, like a bidet. Like the thing you sell. Yeah, a tushy. Like the thing that sprays water in your asshole. Isn't that a commode?

No, a commode is a toilet. No, a commode is a toilet. A bidet is the thing that sprays water up your ass. Oh my God, my routine. Hey, I want to say, Jesse. The good news is I saved you before you got to the punchline there. I cut you off, so now we can reset it. They ask you if you have a commode.

And the fact that if this is true, the doctor's probably like, wow, he doesn't even have a toilet at his house. And why is he so defensive when we ask him? He might not even have ALS. He might just be filled with shit. Yeah. He's full of shit, this guy. I go in public.

I'm like a high beast. I don't have a crash track full of shit. How do you know? Because I'm really vain more than six years. I'm the boss now. I'm the boss. I've been three weeks of them, and these motherfuckers are talking. Are you fucking kidding me? Well, it's David Lucas, man.

You gotta be kidding me. It's in the movie theater, motherfucker. No. It is true. It's not a movie theater. Man, everyone's a thing. But you have to understand, black people don't have movie theaters that they can go to and talk in the back of right now.

You're right. I'm sorry. So they have to get it in where they can. Sometimes they come to the main room and just get it out of their systems. Hey, um. That's quite the commode. I mean, segue. Hey, um, my son, um, like, it takes the joys of life to get a compliment out of him.

And he gave me one. Compliment? Yeah. Okay. What do you want? Come omelet. I thought you said you couldn't get a come omelet. Right.

Or a condiment. I can't get my son to come omelet. No, I'm kidding. You can't get my son to come. No, I'm kidding. You can't get your son to come. Go ahead. No, I can't. You can't get a compliment out of your son. Yeah, right.

And then he gave me one, and I want to show it real quick. Okay. Whoa. He's like, that was cool. Come home. Come home, son. Come home. I won't try to wrestle you anymore.

Come home. Is the camera on, Michael, or is it still set for someone that's standing up? Okay, just making sure. That would really suck if this whole time it was just old Charlie Chaplin back there. Wow. It almost feels like I had bad luck. Oh, come on, Michael.

You don't have bad luck. Bad luck does not exist for someone that buys the brand new Hinchcliffe Hulkamania t-shirt. TonyHinchcliffe.com Click on the merch bar on the side and buy yourself one. It's really comfortable. I get the actual salt. It is really, really comfortable and

it's absolutely incredible. There's other things you could do with it. You could use it as a pillowcase if you want. You can have a little mini tent if you have any small children. You could just put some tent poles around it. You could do anything with it, really. You could use it for anything. You could change oil. If you don't like me, you could dip it in chocolate syrup.

Wipe all the cum that's dripping out of your gay ass. Wow. Look at that. That's what you use it for? Cum omelet. No, I wouldn't buy that shirt. Why? Because it doesn't have a cat on it or something?

No. It doesn't have cat ears or something? I wouldn't want your name on my chest. I don't know. Hey, Brian, why are you so fucking mad that I'm wearing it? I'm not mad at that. No, you're obviously mad. No, I feel it. No, you're obviously mad. No, I feel it.

No, you have a problem with our competition. No, you definitely do. I think Michael might be right about this. You know what? I have a problem with something else about you. Oh, my goodness. Tell him. Why aren't you wearing any of the shit I gave you?

Whoa. Right. One, you drink too much and don't remember you did not give me any. Oh, that's right. Well, for the small price of $30, he will give you a Death Squad shirt.

I want the Black Pussy video one. I told you. I thought I gave you one when you came to the studio. No. Alright, this is enough of this. Michael, another amazing performance. We fucking love you. Incredible stuff.

You're a fucking legend. MichaelLairComedy.com. So much great merch. So many great videos. So many fun little Easter eggs hidden on his website. Make sure you check it out. Follow him on everything. Here comes tonight's drawing from the great Ryan J. E. Belt.

Look at that thing. Look at that. Just incredible. Some flags there. Michael Lair holding flags. And it's like a racing theme. Is that right? Is that what I'm seeing?

I can't really see. I'm looking through the thing. We don't have a screen on the camera right now. It's what? Oh, everybody's fighting. Oh, I like see. I'm looking through the thing. We don't have a screen on the camera right now. It's what? Oh, everybody's fighting. Oh, I like that. That's fun. Very fitting. The great Josh Adam Myers was here, everybody. Yes. So much fun. Thank you, brother. Spotify.

The 500 with Josh Adam Myers. So many fun episodes. You just recorded one with Harlan Williams live at the Comedy Store. Yeah, we're doing a couple more here. Awesome. We've got Tom Marillo coming up and we have Billy Gibbons

doing ZZ Top Records. Oh my God. Yeah, it's going to be dope. That's fucking incredible. Yeah, it's going to be dope. Awesome stuff. I love it. And hopefully we'll be back

to doing the Comedy Jam again soon. Get me up there doing some fucking... Oh my God, I can't. Dude, in the Hall of Fame of the goddamn comedy jam no one has elicited more of a response well you at skank fest two years in a row this quarantine has me all pent up with energies and i have some special plans for this next one so we'll talk about it

when we cross that bridge but i'm gonna fucking i'm not gonna have a voice spoiler alert i'm not gonna have a voice by the end of the song. Speaking of Goddamn Comedy Jam, another one of the great members of it and elite forces with almost every great Los Angeles comedy show. It's the great Jeremiah Watkins. That was Dorothy the whole time, believe it or not. I know a lot

of you are thinking, wow, is that the real Bea Arthur? Nope. It's Jeremiah Watkins. He's got a brand new rap music video out with Eric Griffin. That's available on social media. I'm also headlining in Minneapolis, Minnesota at the end of the month. Come see me there at ACME. And I'm Venmo at Jeremiah-Watkins.

And look out for new episodes of Jeremiah Wonders on my YouTube. YouTube.com slash Jeremiah Watkins at Jeremiah Stand-Up on social media. There you go. And where can people get their reimbursement for the tickets that they're going to buy for that live show that's going to inevitably be canceled? They've actually been doing shows there every

single week. Whoa! You're going to do it? You already have your airplane tickets? All pot and paid for. Fingers crossed for you, my friend. Going to Minneapolis, the birthplace of Prince. Yeah, Adam Ray just did it, and he said the shows were good. Oh, awesome. I love it.

What are they doing, like 50% capacity? I think so, 35% or 50%. So maybe it'll be the first time I sell out. Beat you to it. Hello. Sat up? Oh, sell out. Yeah.

Well, that's good. At least it's not 2% like the milk that you pour on your cereal. Whole milk, honey. Oh, shit. Speaking of whole milk, the great Rose was here. That was Jet Ski Jessie Johnson, everybody. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. She's at Jet Ski Johnson on everything social media.

What else, Jet Ski? Follow me on social media. Heck yeah. Follow her. Go look at squink. Squink. That's right. I always want to say squeegee, but it's not squeegee. No. Squink.

Hey, Blanche. Oh, that's not Blanche. Hold on. That's Chroma Chris. Wait a second. The whole time it was me. What did you think about tonight's episode? Oh, it was goldenoma Chris. Wait a second. The whole time it was me. What did you think about tonight's episode? Oh, it was golden, Tony. I knew it. I always know what you're going to say.

It's so crazy. I love it. Chroma Chris is at Chroma Chris on all social media. Correct. And Venmo. Oh, it's at Chroma Chris on Venmo. Good to know. That's a new thing.

And then, believe it or not, that wasn't Sophia. That wasn't E.T. dressed like a woman. That was Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez the whole time, everyone. Yeah. What's going on, Joel? Oh, I'm at Mostly Sorry on Instagram. That's it. I put everything there.

There it is. He also has a podcast called Mostly Sorry, which you should definitely subscribe to and check out sometime. Yeah, TonyHinchcliffe.com has a bunch of fun stuff happening, including my Roast University happening. Business is booming over there. A lot of fun episodes of that. And yeah, a bunch of new merch, a ton of new merch at TonyHinchcliffe.com. So, yeah, there you go. That's it.

Michael Lair is doing it, so why shouldn't you? Check out Dead Air with Brian Holtzman. Mitch was on it a few weeks ago, and that was a lot of fun. And we also have Brothers in Cursive with William and David and Loophole. If you guys like e-bikes as much as Tony does, check that out. All at DeathSquad.tv. There you go, everybody. Have a great night.

Thank you.