KILL TONY - KILL TONY #482

Episode Date: November 27, 2020

Brian Moses, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Michael Lehrer, Jeremiah Watkins, Jessie Johnson, David Deery, Joel Jimenez, Chris Dillon, Jeremiah Watkins, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - 11/16/2020 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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to the show and you can also click on tour dates to see if we're touring anywhere. That's DeathSquad.TV Tony has his own website. Go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. There you have everything Golden Pony including his own tour dates and his merch. That's TonyHinchcliffe.com ryan j ebelt he's

the house artist he draws every episode and he sells prints of them or books go to ryanjebelt.com and pick up some cool kill tony stuff and last but not least the official merchandise of the death squad universe is shopsquad.tv. There you got some Death Squad hats, shirts, and you also got some Kill Tony shirts left. That's at shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the world-famous Comedy Store main room for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitzcliff.

Yippee-doo-dah-day. Here we are again. Nothing more exciting than this. Brian Red Band's here. Hey, what's up, buddy? We're live at the Comedy Store. What an exciting time. People still clapping.

A very scattered clap here this evening. Fun to be here. We're going to get through it. Hey, look who else is here. The great Ryan J. Ebelt is here, everybody. Whoa, when that light hits him, he comes to life, and there's the patented Texas gun

straight to the camera. Whoa, two shots. Look at that. Ryan J. Ebelt draws every single episode of the show, and all those prints are available at ryanjebelt.com. Every tour poster, every episode of the show and all those prints are available at ryanjebelt.com every tour poster, every episode of the show, all your favorite guests

and a limited edition Kill Tony t-shirt available there and of course also Kill Tony shirts available at deathsquad.tv and a bunch of other fun things over there and everywhere and yeah, we just ate a bunch of delicious pizza from Vito's Pizza on La Cienega, my goodness

is that place just incredible. The great Charlie brings it every week, and we just love that place. Heard he brought David some nice pasta. Yeah, David Lucas, because he oversteps boundaries habitually, it seems as though he's

planted in Charlie's ear, hey pal, if you could bring me my own dish of pesto pasta, and you might be thinking, oh, David's trying to lose weight. What kind of protein does he have in that pasta? None. It's just pasta with fucking pesto all over it. Literally the worst thing that a guy trying to avoid carbohydrates could possibly order. But, you know.

Just a little bit of butter and carbs. That's just it. Oh, perfect. I'll just have straight up pasta. I'll let my body absorb that while I still have two feet connected to my body while I'm still not an amputee. So that's great. He's eating straight up pasta right now. He's scurried off into some corner.

He was out here a second ago, but we'll see him in a little bit. And, hey, look who else is here. The great Gino, everybody, from Speedweed. The great, great marijuana enterprise of the first... I mean, he was ahead of the curve on that, huh? Oh, yeah. One of the first delivery

companies that I knew of, and one of the biggest ones in Los Angeles today. Without a doubt. And of course, he helped us out he has the great better box studios uh where they shoot a bunch of really cool stuff and that's where we went when the comedy store closed down during the pandemic we spent months there it's almost uh it's wild to think about those times when the first uh first few weeks after this happened but he kept us cozy was a

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I mean, it feels like there's just hundreds of people here. This reminds me of what we did as a routine without even thinking about every single week. It was just so normal and common to come out to a packed, crazy audience and it feels the same. It really does. Yeah, sure. And it's only getting better too. We'll be open any day now here.

Yeah, any day now here in beautiful Southern California where, you know, the COVID chart looks like a fucking looks like that looks like that that game on the prices right yo the fucking mountain climber guy that fucking

roller coaster from cedar point yeah it's kind of like no it's great except if it ended at the top anyway but tonight's episode is a special one this is a real comedy store Monday night, Tuesday night Banger because this guy on top of being

One of my favorite comedians One of my best pals A guy that I remember when I became a door guy Here in Hollywood I went down to the La Jolla Comedy Store Saw this guy working there And I remember meeting him He was the first guy I think I ever told

Like dude we need to get you up to LA he did he became an employee he became an unbelievable comedian and then he created the show roast battle which went to extreme successes jump starting careers for comedians just like kill Tony does and here he is right now

ladies and gentlemen it's the great Brian Moses everybody here he is incredible just incredible Here he is. Incredible. Just incredible. Here he is. Look at this guy. It's Brian Moses, everybody.

There he is. Brian's here. COVID handshakes. Hello. Welcome, Brian. COVID handshakes. Hey, everybody. Hell yeah.

The best kind of handshakes there are. That's how you know you really like somebody and trust somebody. Fuck yeah. I got it. You dirty bitch. What's happening, Moses? How are you? You know, just hanging out, being Ben Carson's illegitimate stepchild. Hopefully dad dies and I can get that money.

You know what I'm talking about? There's nobody in here. Moses and I had a fun weekend. We got to do a little hangout at one point. We did. Moses invited me to a little tiny get-together. It wasn't a party. It wasn't anything big, but it was a little tiny get-together.

And he was on mushrooms, and he forgot to tell me that the super cool get-together that he invited me to, everybody else was on mushrooms, too. And they weren't even like they were like the regular kind of fungus like they taste like feet or pumpkin uh sunflower seeds they were like the mushrooms that made they're like molly yeah yeah we were like yeah it was nice we all we all fucked that night oh yeah i mean not me not me i wasn't on it so i just ended up jerking off in the corner watching everybody fuck yeah jeff ross fucked me like uh he did when i first met him for rosebath whoa yeah you don't let his lawyers touch the deal memo anyway let's have some fun i'm you've been on the show numerous times before you remember we

have a band here there's a band on this goddamn show and every single week moses they commit to being different characters i never know what they're gonna be uh we never know what they're going to be sometimes it's a brand new character. I mean, my God, a few weeks ago, these guys were rappers and not musician rappers. They're running out of things sometimes to be. So one was wrapped in saran wrap.

The other was like a burger wrapper. Jeremiah was just a blanket. Yeah, he was a blanket. I'm a blanket. Desperate times, desperate measures, but maybe this will be new. Maybe it'll be the return of famous characters. Let's all find out what they are together when I present to you the best

stand band in the land. It's the Kill Tony Band. Jeremiah Watkins, Jetski, Jesse Johnson, Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, and Chroma Chris. No way. No way. Oh! Yeah! No way. No way. Oh! No! Yeah! Wow.

Yes. Exactly what I was hoping for this week. A return to greatness. We've seen these characters not just here in Los Angeles, but all over the country. In fact, I think you guys even made it to Canada one time. Am I right about that? In Australia.

Hell yeah. Wow. You were in Australia. Was that that was Brisbane? Yeah. We hung out with the Bogan folk there. I remember that very clearly. You guys are white trash Americans.

Wow. This is the show I get invited to. Yep. Yep. Very strategically placed. The rally show. Remind me of your name, lead white trash guy. Hi, what's up? I'm Dave Gunther. Stop the count, y'all! Stop the count!

This election is being rigged! It's being taken away from us! Is this mic on? Here, Dave Gunther is saying that the election is rigged dave say something just say normal there's a bunch of riggers out here hey oh my goodness i see one at least god damn all right he's right that my father was a rigger the election is a really big deal right now everybody's talking about it of course on this show i have a direct line with the

president of the united states mr trump I have a direct line with the president of the United States. Mr. Trump, what's happening right now with the election? I don't think they like me very much. Oh, really? My goodness. Why do you think they don't like you? We have people that are morally corrupt. We have people that are selling this country down the drain.

I agree with you 100%, but it seems like more people voted for Joe Biden than you. What do you think we need? What do you think we need? Our country needs a truly great leader. I agree. Amen. I agree. Absolutely.

Absolutely. I'm fucking hard right now. How many more votes do you need to win? $1.3 trillion. Oh, okay, dollars. I didn't realize you were going to say dollars. It costs a lot for votes, I guess. I didn't realize you were going to say dollars at the end there.

How many votes do you think you need to win? $9,240,000,000. Spoken like a true hero. Absolutely perfect. So we got Dave Gunther here. And look at this lovely young lady, pregnant as hell. My goodness, what's your name? My name is Darlene Gunther.

Oh, how are you two related? That's my cousin and my baby mama. Oh, my goodness. That's my goddamn sister. You better watch your ass. Yeah, you better watch your ass because that's my cousin. Oh, my goodness. That's my goddamn sister. You better watch your ass. Yeah, you better watch your ass because that's my cousin. Boys, boys.

Now this one's his baby. Oh, shit. You got a little drummer boy in the oven. We think. I hate it when my parents are arguing. Wait, these are your parents?

Yep, my name is Jesse Molette. Okay, I remember that. My parents up here. Wait a minute. Is that Jesse Smollett in White, I remember that. My parents up here. Wait a minute. Is that Jesse Smollett in white face? It's just Jesse Mollet, a very common mistake. No, it's Jesse Mullet because he's white trash and he has a mullet. And you are back here.

What's your name? The name's Travis Plow, Tony. I'm pissed. Travis Pyle? I had a newborn. I shot him on Saturday. I don't want him growing up in a world without Trump. Well, I'm sure. I'm sure. God I shot him on Saturday. I don't want him growing up in a world without Trump. Well, I'm sure.

I'm sure. Goddamn Citronella Harris. I'm sure. Sleep about it. I'm sure Trump completely agrees with you. We don't want a world. Saturday, the Muslims won. It can happen.

Thank you. 2024. 2024. Thank you very much. That's really nice. Thank you. It's true. It's true.

You can win, right, Mr. President? You can still fix this, right? It can happen. Yeah. What do we have to do to get to that point, you think? We really do have to get going. That's not even the right thing. Honestly, Tony, I don't know what I'm going to do. George Bush Jr.

is rolling in his grave right now. We need a little stupid GoPro to get from here to there. The funny things that happen like that. That doesn't even say that. That says we have to get along. He said we have to get going. What a whamboozle.

Travis what, drummer boy? I just said George Bush Jr. is rolling in his grave. What's your name? Travis Plow. Yeah, like what I did to his cousin. Whoa. You've done that. Whoa.

Did I just high five myself? Yes, I did. Oh, you son of a bitch. Okay, all right. Let's keep it moving along. Fantastic. So we have white trash people. Brian Moses, a perfect fit to balance.

I mean, this is my demo, so it's good to see you guys again. You are as black as they are white, so this is what... Everything's perfectly even. Let's get the show started, ladies and gentlemen. You guys ready for this, to start tonight's show? Great. As always, we like to get things started

with a bang here, so I put a lead-off hitter that is just so much fun. He's one of everybody's favorite rising young stand-up comedians, and he's here for you right now with another super creative minute and another fun interview.

I'm positive of it. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the best, the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is, William Montgomery.

If there's anything I've learned from OnlyFans.com it's that my account's not doing too well. I wrote a CliffsNotes to Anne Frank's diary. Spoiler alert, the only suspenseful part of the diary is when she writes, I heard a knock at the door, but I don't remember ordering anything off Amazon. What are y'all's plans for Ford Truck Month?

CNN be like, OJ Simpson was mostly peaceful that night besides two minor incidents. Tony almost made his first hole-in-one this weekend, but the windmill knocked it out of the way. Kamala Harris has so much black pride she married a white Jew. Okay, that's all I got. That's all you got? 45 seconds? Oh, God. Two, two, two.

All right. There it is. Okay. So here's a minute. That's what a minute was like. It came in a touch under 45 seconds. Don't you have a few more Kamala Harris jokes you could do for the people? Yeah, get her.

Come on. You must have at least one more, right? They're in my notebook, and I'm bad. It's actually weird. I stopped drinking, and my memory's gotten worse. Really? I don't think that normally happens, but yeah, my memory's gone to shit ever since I stopped drinking. Oh my goodness. Well, what are you going to do about it?

Actually, I started drinking earlier. You did? What did you have to drink today? A little vodka Sprite. And you've been trying to not drink up until this point? No, I've still been drinking a little vodka Sprite. And you've been trying to not drink up until this point? No, I've still been drinking a little bit. So you're back to the liquor, though. You were drinking just beer for a while,

and that seemed like that was working. Oh, you walked the wheelchair, guy. He's walking? It's okay, no. So what made you make the switch from beer back to hard liquor? I don't know. It's been a really tough week for me this week. Yeah, why has it been a tough week, William?

What was so tough about this week? Over at Erica's place, her grandmother is sick. Oh, that's her name? I've always wanted her name. Now I'll call her Erica from now on. What do I speak about? This is your girlfriend that sometimes beats you, right? Yeah, no, but she's really nice.

We need to quit talking like that because it makes. Oh, well, now you're the one that said her first name. You say her name's America. Yeah. Hell yeah, brother. Suck the dick America. No, basically, her grandmother had a really bad headache yesterday and she's showing signs of COVID. And I felt sick as fuck for the past

three days so i'm i'm just worried that i gave her covid did you get tested man i haven't i'm feeling really good because it's fake news man it's not a real disease masks i think your grandmother's really sick but you're you're joking right now i mean i'm sick as a dog they did my temperature and it was 106 and I was like, no, I have a... Zach, come over here. This is going to be our first ever... What? This is our first ever live temperature check in the history of Kill

Tony. Leave it to William Montgomery to worry us. I told him, don't worry, it's because I have a sweatshirt on. What is that? What do you got for the temperature there, Zach? 98.2. 98.2 is actually pretty hot on that. That's pretty hot, yeah. 98 degrees within sync.

William, the grandma's fine, right? She's fine, I hope. I had to help her down the stairs today. She went to a doctor's appointment. Yeah, for what? Her hip. Oh. You sure your girlfriend didn't just punch her in the hip?

Come on, Redman. Come on, Redman. How old is she, William, your grandmother? She is probably 74. And where is she from? Reseda. Born and raised? Born and raised. Your grandma is 74? I don't have a grandmother.

I thought you were talking about Erica's. Oh, this is her grandma. She's 74? Yeah, I think 74. Oh, I thought you were talking about your grandma. How old is your girlfriend? She's, I don't know, 42. 42? How old is her mother?

36. Oh, you son of a bitch. I'm bad at math. William, he doesn't have a girlfriend. That's what that means. How have things been with the girlfriend? How's the sex life? Do you guys have sex this week?

She normally gets on top of me and I hold her up and sometimes I run out of breath because I've been smoking a bunch recently and... How come she doesn't let you get on top of her? I can't. How my body is right now, it's hard for me to

have sex with someone with this gut I've got. It's hard to get on top of. How long is your erect penis? It's a damn good question. I don't know. Four inches maybe? Whoa, I had a feeling about that.

What does four inches look like? William has a lot of different energies. None of them is big dick. It's probably three or four inches. How long are your pubic hairs? Longer than that.

Right. When you get a boner, it just looks like one of those mushrooms from Mario Brothers. It looks like a troll doll. You know how teenage girls, when they go to Venice Beach, they get those hair wraps? He's got a hair wrap

around his dick. I'm real glad I took the time to say that. Goodbye. I thought it was great. Why power? Thank you. No, he's really charming. You have a really charming personality. Your personality is nine inches. Yeah, like Lucky Charms, you red-headed bitch. You got a nine-inch charming

dick. I loved that joke, by the way. Thank you. That was very good. And I don't think it got hurt. You know, William's one of the few people that I've seen do roast battle where it's almost impossible to roast him because how he roasts, his style

is almost like you can't lose. He won't just throw out ridiculous facts about the other guy that's not true. Oh, he sounds like a Trumper. Sort of. It goes either way. It's been a disaster before. He gets swarmed, yeah.

It's been a horrible disaster before. Yeah. I bet you say the N-word adorably, honestly. Do you think so you have that kind of like look about you like you say but it's like it's like I'm kidding well let's go back with a diamond tummy because we

don't often talk about your sex life and we are already opened up this can of worms yeah let's say you're talking about you have what a lot of people would say is a small penis do you go do you go down on your girlfriend? Do you perform oral sex on her? Is that something you do? This, first off, I'm thinking this isn't going to go over well when she sees this.

Oh, God, you got to stop worrying about this abusive girlfriend. No, not in a way like she's going to hit me. No, don't do that. You're going to get beat up, dude. It's nothing bad. Listen to the sound. Oh, that's a baseball bat. Oh, no. Oh, it's a baseball bat. Oh, no.

Oh, it's a start around two. I'm on edge now. And new. Oh, my goodness. Wait a second. Oh, no. That's a bowling ball. Is it a bowling ball?

Oh, no. Oh, my God. Okay. Do you ever perform oral sex on her? I have before. Yeah. How many times do you think? Never again.

Is this something you don't like to do very often? Probably for 30 seconds I've done it. Wow, look at you. Yeah, whatever. I'm a ladies man. Wait, wait, this is a regular. You guys know how he fucks, don't you? Don't you ask him every week how he fucks? No, we don't. We like to keep these things. We let the tension build and then all of a sudden

just one day I over attack the subject and then they feel completely raped afterwards after I get all the truth out of them because they didn't think I was going to keep asking about it. That's why I like to move forward like we just did a second ago. And now we're going back to it, and they don't expect it, so they start being honest. Yeah, I've done it for like 45 seconds. I learned this all from Jim Can't Swim. They break down criminal investigations and negotiations. Is Jim black?

Uh-oh. Okay. Anyway. Oh, I get it. Because he can't swim, Tony. That's why I made it. I got it. Okay.

Inward Jim. 30 seconds? Really? Are you being honest? Yeah, it doesn't happen a lot. Why doesn't it happen a lot? She must like it, right? Women like that type of thing.

How about you? Do all women? I don't know do all women i don't know if all women are you saying your girl doesn't like you going down on her let me try i don't think it's all women they like it if it's good yeah that's a great well i don't know what i'm doing down there i think william just fall asleep down there and wake up say give me a beer darlene out of your uh out of all the family members that you hook up with, who's the one that pleases you the most? If I had to pick between my brother and my cousin,

well, you know, my brother and I go back a long time, so I'd have to say my brother. Is that how you do it, Dave? Yeah, like the Geico gecko. Tony, first time I ever had Whataburger was between her legs. I'll tell you that. Wow. Indeed.

William, can you show us your method when you go down on a girl? What do you do? Can we, Lieutenant General? People can't at home see this, but Darlene is drinking a beer while pregnant, Tony.

You didn't even point that out. Oh, my goodness. That's a hoax, man. That shit ain't bad for you. That baby looks bunched up. You can see his limbs sticking out of there. He's tall. He's ready to come out. All right, here we go, man. That shit ain't bad for you. That baby looks bunched up. You can see his limbs sticking out of there. He's tall. They're ready to come out.

Here we go, guys. We are now going to zoom in. William is about to show us how he performs oral sex. Brick by Ben Folds 5. What song? Brick by Ben Folds 5. That's what I did. The one time I did it.

That's the song that was played. There's your first mistake. What's going on over here? What do you mean? That's got me all dried up more than a salty cracker. Fucking cracker. Okay. You get one. Sorry.

I forgot where I was. We get 50. I thought this was where I was. We get 50. I thought this was Biden's America. You don't have to put it on. You want to see how I did it? Hold on just one second. We got it. Here we go.

This is how William eats the vagina. We're zoomed in on William here. A beautiful, beautiful shot from Lieutenant General Zach Bogus on camera one. Here he goes. You don't have to... Okay. You don't have to actually lick the microphone. It's probably better if you don't because then we can...

Just play the fucking song, red man! I can see what you're doing. Stay on him, Bogus. This is romantic. It's awful pussy eating. Some of the worst I've seen. Is that not good? No, he's getting started. Let him go. I'm getting started. He's just pussy eating. Some of the worst I've seen. Is that not good? No, he's getting started.

Let him go. I'm getting started. He's just warming up a little bit. There's some soft licks happening. A lot of beard rubbing up against. I could see why she only. It's like a cat drinking milk from a saucer. This is terrible.

A cat drinking from saucers? Yeah, from saucers. Keep going, William. Saucers! Like a 1950s cartoon. No, I'm not going to let him scream his way out of this one. You and him, you guys all take the bait. Thank you.

I do have a feeling his tongue feels like sandpaper. William, is that all that you do? Yeah, I don't know what else to do. You rub your beard against it? I don't know what else to do. On what body part does that ever feel good? On an arm. All you did was get the baby to kick. That's it. Blowing it a little. Is something going to do? On what body part does that ever feel good? On an arm. All you did was get the baby to kick.

That's it. Blowing it a little. Is something going to change? Are you going to do something? No, this is what I did. I'm waiting for something to happen. This is what I did. I think my baby just died inside of me.

For those of you just listening to the podcast, which happens a lot, not watching live, he has his mouth about a quarter of an inch open, but he's just rubbing his face on it. Yeah, that's all I know. Not a good advertiser for you eating pussy or anybody else's. Okay, I'm sorry. I made a mistake. No wonder she hates it. Yeah, you didn't even put

a bib on. Okay, I made a mistake. You eat pussy like a guy that has a 14-inch dick. God. That's real. That's real. I like that. You 14-inch dick. Oh, God. That's real. That's real. I like that. You eat pussy like a guy that never has to eat pussy. Oh, my God.

I made a horrible mistake. I apologize. All right. Well, we had fun with you this week. There goes William Montgomery, everybody. Another minute by William. All right, all right, all right. There you go. Outstanding calves on William Montgomery.

It is incredible. He is an incredible physique. He has the legs of a bicyclist and the body of an e-bicyclist. Pesto pasta. Peloton. The Pesto Pasta Brothers. Can we change brothers in cursive to the Pesto Brothers? You got it.

Hey, it's the Pesto Brothers. Charlie, put in a special order for me oh david you're gonna get it tonight dude you're fucked bro charlie you making this guy's side orders i caught it i was talking with him at the table before the show he had his arm on it like he didn't want me to see what it was he's trying to hide his pesto from me we'll talk about this in a bit this episode is brought to you by starbucks welcome back winter with a starbucks drink in hand whether you've been waiting for a pistachio latte and pistachio cream cold brew or in the mood to shake things up with the new Iced Hazelnut O'Shaken Espresso?

Need to cozy up with a tea latte? There should be nothing stopping you from achieving all your goals. You've got this. I pulled a name out of the bucket. This is a complete stranger we've never met before. He signed up here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, making his Kill Tony debut. Make some noise for John Manford, everybody.

Here we go. John Manford. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. John Manford. Thank you. I learned recently that I don't have an eating disorder. Turns out I'm just a skinny cunt. My doctor told me.

He's an Australian guy. And if you didn't know, in Australia, cunt is their word for hypochondriac. Also applies to anyone who just in general needs to chill the fuck out. And I kind of like that, you know, because it's not so much a word of antagonism to them as much as it is, you know, like an ego check just crammed into four letters. Like they're all loosey-goosey down there with it. They're all running around going, oh, I'm a cunt. Yeah, cunt. We all cunts.

That's why they're so happy. Have you ever met a pissed off Australian asshole? They don't exist. I think we should adopt their system. It's a unifying word, if you think of it. Where we all come from. A con. Or if you're like me, some con too had a C-section.

Did I fill a minute? Get ExpressVPN. It's fucking fantastic. I've been using it for a month. He's absolutely right about that. music for a month. That's absolutely true. He's absolutely right about that. Heck yeah.

John Manford. How's it going, John? It's all right. How long have you been on stand-up? Doing it for about two years. Two years. All of it here in Los Angeles? No.

Started in New York, then got fed up, moved to Joshua Tree. Whoa, wait. Yeah. Joshua Tree? Yeah. I mean, I met Mike Birbiglia a week after I decided to Tree. Whoa, wait. Yeah. Joshua Tree? Yeah, I mean, like, I met Mike Birbiglia, like, a week after I decided to start. Whoa, name drop. Whoa. Yeah, you want to pick up that name he just dropped?

He told me to get the fuck out of New York if I'm just starting stand-up. And you're like, all right, I'll go to the dead center of the Nothing Burger desert. Yeah, I mean, it's like a couple-hour drive from here, San Diego. I love it. I'm a big fan of the—I'm a huge fan of Joshua Tree. Yeah, it's a good place for me to hour drive from here, San Diego. I love it. I'm a big fan. I'm a huge fan of Joshua. Yeah, it's a good place for me to clear my head and write shit. If you're a new comic, don't you think New York, with all the millions of mics they have,

is probably the best place to start comedy? Not when you just quit your job and you have no income and you're paying $1,100 a month. What was your job? I used to make baseball cards. I used to run an app. And draw. You work for Topps? You seem more like a Bottoms. Oh!

Did you see that? Baseball card joke. Baseball card. Yes! I've been waiting 13 years to do that joke. I've been waiting for someone to tell me. The name of that joke is called Gay Collector. That's right.

There you go. It applies. Put that in a play. You're the first guy I've ever met that looks like you you're sort of like an ugly guy right but you're like you would make like a hot nerdy chick yeah you look like your name's fucking zoe ramone right now you seem like the type of girl that like takes off her glasses and like goes like that and gets like super hot but you're just a guy i'm just a guy who does that, yeah. Oh, okay. Minus the hotness. You look like a nine-year-old Howard Stern.

Has anyone told you that before? You look like you're cosplaying as the Mars Volta. Yeah. Like a very, very smart version of it. Maybe you can take off his glasses with some music. Oh, let's see. Wait, wait, wait. First of all, take your time.

I know the pressure is getting to you. Look directly in that camera. Look, let's see. Let's see. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. First of all, take your time. I know the pressure is getting to you. Look directly in that camera. Look at that red light. Do it nice and slow. Slow. All right. No, that's bad. That's really bad.

Oh, my God. He tried to be funny. Honestly, without your glasses, you look like Robert Rodriguez, the Night Stalker. Why did you go with that? That looked like the first time the Night Stalker. Go with that. That looked like the first time he's ever tried to take off his glasses. He was born with those glasses

as a baby and they've been glued to the side of his head and this is the first time he ever pulled them off his face. Stuck to my hair. It hurts. I can't sleep. I thought I was supposed to make it hot and sexy. Yeah, you were, but you never looked at the camera. I told you to look directly down the parallel.

You look like David Letterman's bastard child. Can we give him a second try, Tony? I think he'll get it on the second time. You got to look down the barrel of the camera for five seconds and then do something. Let's go, Goldblum. Get it, Goldblum. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Listen to the direction that I'm giving you, okay?

Yeah. Once I say go and you hear the music start, you look at the camera, right? You don't do anything. You just make love with your eyes to the center of that camera, okay? And then you slowly go for the glasses and do your own thing starting then. But take your time. Relax. Every time I say go, you just start fucking reach up. Start fucking abusing your

glasses like you're William Montgomery's girlfriend. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I didn't say go. Okay. And go. That was perfect. That was absolutely great. That was absolutely great. That was absolutely great. Fourth time's a charm.

We have the monitor right here. It looked amazing. Tony, I know I'm a redneck and everything, but I think I could do what he just did more sexy. Okay, why don't you go on. Actually, come on up to the front of this stage here. Right to the tip here. Come up.

Oh, okay. That's probably not a great idea. That's okay. Who remembers that Simpsons Oh, okay. That's probably not a great idea. It's okay. You know. Who remembers that Simpsons episode, like Marge's first date, and that's the guy? Stand right at the tip there. Get the light. Here you go.

And here comes the music. And being sexy, Marge. Here goes Joel to do it. Keep right down that camera. Look, look. God bless America Why? No, Joel Joel, we can't play any of this on YouTube We're going to have to cut this whole part out

Joel, Joel We'll censor it Joel, you never even took the glasses off Yeah Never took the glasses off. Yeah. Never took the glasses off. You took everything else but the glasses off. I was going to prefer to take those off for you.

I said I do it sexier. I didn't say anything else. For the YouTubers, that big blur is he took everything down to his underwear. This is what happens when body wins. All right, go sit down. That's my cousin-in-law right there. Go sit down. I think I got pregnant again. Okay.

I think that was objectively hotter and a little more annoying than how I did it. Thank you, John. Thank you so much. So now you live in Joshua Tree. Do you live by yourself? Yep. And what's a normal day in the life of John Manfred like? Well, first of all, it's Hanford with an H.

I was going to say, John Manfred sounds like you're a Terminator and you made that name up. John Man Ford? Yeah, no, that would be like some serious overcompensation. But no, basically I just get up, sit on my couch, I'll put on a record, make coffee, and just write shit or play guitar or something. My God. Yeah. You play guitar?

Are you a good guitar player? Yeah, not bad. What do you know how to play? Anything good? Yeah, I mean, I play fairies Are you a good guitar player? Yeah, not bad. What do you know how to play? Anything good? Yeah, I mean, I play fairies wear boots. Like, I've been playing since I was eight,

so 22 years now. No, listen, honestly, let's talk about Joel disrespecting the flag with his underwear. That was 100% respect. No, no, come back over here.

I pledge of allegiance like that. I want to see that flag again. No, no, no, no, no. I was going to kneel at the flag. It's all right. It's okay. We don't kneel in this household ever. So I can't suck your dick?

After the show. After the show, guys. So, John, tell us something. This flag needs a pole, Moses. You'll make an exception? Capper Nick. Okie dokie, and we're back with our guest, John Hanford.

It's about the guest here, not the band, and we're here with John. John, tell us something that we would be surprised to know about you, about your life, your entire life's history. Well, let's see. I used to work in... I used to be a baseball scout. I used to... For who? What organization?

I used to be a Boy Scouts. Mets guy? who? What organization? I used to be a boy scout. Mets guy? I bet. Okay. Mets, yeah. It was the Mets? I worked for the New York Mets in 2014. Yeah, they are really bad.

There's some good guys. I mean, like. They had a comedian as their scout. They're awful. We know you have trouble taking your glasses off, but we've seen the Mets, and when you were scouting for them, it seems like you didn't put your glasses on, John. They're notoriously a horrible baseball team. Thank you, Brody. Brody's a big

baseball fan. He knows this. I played baseball in Alaska. Thank you, Brody. Thank you so much. It's like he's still here. Speaking to us from the heavens. He's way, way, way up there. Where are you, Brody? I hike Runyon Canyon. Oh, okay. There you go.

So, John, how about another fun fact about you? You have any special skills or talents? Like, other than playing guitar, you know, magic or anything? No, I write. I'm a really good cook. I cook a lot of yakisoba, Japanese

stuff. But I, yeah, I mean, like another fun fact, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention, I built my own guitar. Wow. And you're the lead singer for Journey. If it was a solo band, yeah. Would you build it out of, would you build your guitar out of?

A couple pieces of mahogany, got a bunch of gold hardware from Stuart McDonald's website where you go to build guitars, yeah. Are you bored shitless where you live, though? Because there's nothing to do? No, it's honestly perfect. My head's all over the place.

I'm kind of a jumpy guy. You notice, Tony? It's kind of the only place where I've been able to exist and just be peaceful and shit. It's really nice. How long have you been there again? A year and a half.

A year and a half, and you love it. Dude, this guy like the most interesting non-interesting guy I've ever met. It's like polarizing. Thank you. Thank you, Travis Plow. Okay. John, how about your love?

What's dating like in Joshua Tree? It's brutal. At this point, I've decided to just work on myself. You ever think about going to a gay bar and just pretending like you're a lesbian? Or Jeff Goldblum? You could be like the Juana man

in the Joshua Tree lesbian scene. Yeah, she should come to my place. There isn't much of a scene. I'm like the only young guy there that isn't married or with a kid. So it's just a weird place to date. Oh, do you eat pussy better than the takeoff glasses? I'd say I play pussy about the same as I play guitar,

you know, pretty well. Just no one wants to take the demo tape. Pretty good, but not the best at fingering. There goes John Hanford, everybody. That's thank you thank you john john hanford on kill tony okay how about one more time for john hanford everyone there you go i pulled another name out of the bucket ladies and gentlemen your next comedian goes by the name of Hugo Galaxy. Here we go. Here comes Hugo Galaxy.

How we doing? Repeat after me, guys. I'm awesome. I'm awesome. I'm awesome. Just in case you forgot to tell yourself. I'm disappointed there's no black magicians. But I know why, man.

We don't fuck with the dark arts, man. We're terrified. Like, we've all seen a David Blaine-esque magician do a magic trick in front of a bunch of black people. And we all just run. We just scatter. People be like, yo, check your do-rag. I'll be like, oh, shit. Ace of Spades, no!

I like to think my dad was just like didn't abandon us he just like ran away and is like still running like somewhere in the mountains like how the hell did he pull that rabbit out of that hat I gotta get back to my family I was sitting uh I was sitting out eating and I uh listen to this guy talking to his girlfriend he's like listen I only have sex with's like, listen, I'll only have sex with you if you want me to. I'll only have sex with you if you want me to. I'm like, yeah, because the other way it's called rape. That's all I got. Oh, yeah, there you go.

55 seconds. Yeah. How sweet it is indeed to be loved by you. Welcome to the show, Hugo Galaxy. Thank you. So can you, let's go through that last joke one more time. That last joke that you did. Can we go over it one more time?

Yeah, yeah. Can you do it again? Oh, I heard people eating and this guy was talking to this girl and he's like, I'll only have sex with you if you want me to. I'll only have sex with you if you want me to. And I'm like, yeah, because of the way it's called rape. The guy said, I'll only have sex with you if you want me to. I'll only have sex with you if you want me to. And I'm like, yeah, because of the way it's called rape. The guy said, I'll only have sex with you if you want me to. I'll only have sex with you if you want me to.

Why do you think? Sounds like an R&B song. Sounds like an R. Kelly song. Oh, yeah. I'll only have sex with you if you want me to. Rape. Why do you think he was saying that to this girl? Was it like a first date?

I don't know. Where were you at? Do you remember where you were eating? I was at Popeyes Churches. Jesus. Is it Chick-fil-A? Do you have any guesses? I know Biden won, but we have to stop reverting back to 1960s humor.

Okay, everybody? He was at KFC because he makes money. Okay. He's a mainstream dude. Look at that outfit. It's like Gary Clark Jr. Jr. He does.

He does. It was a jalapeno pizza in Burbank. Oh, senior Burbank correspondent. Brian Redband is here. He's driven his e-bike past it a few times. That's right. Good choice. Have you tried that pizza place?

Actually, I have, yes. What's it like? What's the report? It's okay. There's a lot of Burbank pizza places that are very similar. They're all kind of like average, but, you know, it's okay. You live in Burbank? No, I live in WeHo.

Wow. What made you go all the way to Burbank for a slice of pizza? I used to live in Burbank? No, I live in WeHo. Wow, what made you go all the way to Burbank for a slice of pizza? I used to live in Burbank. Oh, for how long? Like a year. Until the riots started. Yeah, the famous Burbank riots. What were your cross streets in Burbank?

Can I guess? Oh, shit. Lake? No, stop, stop stop stop I'm gonna go Lancashire and Chandler No it was Victory and Hollywood Verdugo

Hollywood Way Your cross streets should have been burning I know exactly where that is There's a taco place and a gas station right there I'm just kidding there's a taco place On everything on Victory There's a taco place on everything on Victory. There's a taco place. What's a taco?

Travis Plow has never heard of a taco before. What do you do for work? I wait tables. Where at? The Shit Cake Factory. It's still open, but they closed wow I heard they went out of business no they got the patios open

the whole company I heard went out of business that's what I heard you haven't heard that? you know slavery is over right? I hope not you hope it's not over? I hope they didn't close I hope slavery is not over or I'll lose my job.

It's gone soon. So how long have you been a factory worker for? Like two years. My goodness. And you know that whole menu, huh? No. You don't? No, not at all.

Are you sometimes surprised by what people order? You're like, we have that? I am. So we've been in COVID, and today is my first day back. Oh, shit. Congratulations. Wow. You worked a lunch shift today?

Biden wins. Nick is going back to work. Look at you. Yes, sir. Put your good denim on, too. Look at you, all that denim on. Looking like you're Canadian. Canadian tuxedo.

No. Yeah, it was my first day back and uh i guess they had a new menu rollout i didn't i didn't know anything wow did they make it smaller at all because i know the menu right now is like 500 pages like i had a job there in the first when the first day of like work they gave us the menu like you have to memorize this thing and the thing is so big i was like fuck that and i walked out because Red Band was like, I already have it. You were the smart one. I'm a big fan of I got a photogenic

memory, so don't you worry about that. Okay. So is there, what did you do before this job? Hoes. No, I come from the Bay Area, so I was just up there doing doing odd jobs.

Trapping. Odd jobs? Just like construction. Nigga, are you a mobster? Construction, yeah. Are you timing for Martin? I worked in waste management. Yeah, I worked in the white building over there.

Waste management, ran my own bar. Yeah. Exactly. I'm sure. He's a real one. right that's fun uh and now you live in west hollywood what's that like for you that must be a big change from being from the bay area yeah uh all of la is a big change uh it's cool i i wanted to be like in the city, in the core of shit happening. So I feel like I'm... So which homeless encampment do you live in? No, it's cool.

I'm two miles away from the comedy store, a mile away from the improv. So that's why I really want to move out here. Just to be closer to comedy. Are we neighbors? Yeah. Maybe. Do you live on Switzerland Willoughby? I live on 3rd.

You are? 3rd and what? Tony's neighbor. No, wait, you live on Switzer and Willoughby? I live off Third. You are way down there. Third and what? Tony's neighbor. No, I don't live anywhere near there. Third and what? Third and Fairfax. Wow. Fairfax and Third.

So right by the farmer's market and the Whole Foods and the Trader Joe's. Yeah, like right there. Wow. Where they rioted. That's crazy. Did you start the riots there? I wish. My goodness.

Where exactly at Fairfax and Third do you live? That's actually literally like there? I wish. My goodness. Where exactly at Fairfax in 30 years? That's actually literally right where I live, right next to the Trader Joe's. How close to the Trader Joe's? I could sprint there. How fast? How long would it take? I could sprint to Trader Joe's with a bag full of shit in seven seconds. If you walked out of your front door and sprinted to Trader Joe's.

If the comedy store is my house, Trader Joe's is like seven seconds. If you walked out of your front door and sprinted to Trader Joe's. Like if the comedy store is my house, Trader Joe's is like Pink Dot. Hugo, he's asking you, how fast is your 40 time? That's a whole different thing. How fast can you drink a 40? God damn it, white power. Do you work out, man?

Oh, good question. Coming straight from Travis Plow. You got like a good body for one of them. You know what I'm saying? Okay. These guys are white trash. Don't mind them. They're from a different time, a different place, a different era.

Do you work out? I want to know this because you seem to be in shape. You say you drink a 40 fast. Thank you, Travis. Thank you so much. You're welcome. But also answer my question. No, we're moving on.

You work out on the daily? Yeah. I'll talk to you after the show. There you go. There's the payoff for all of that. I will talk to you after the show. Could have been good. Not Trevor Knowles on the daily show.

If you're wondering what all that setup was for, I'll talk to you after the show. There it is. I'll make it better. There's a fart noise. That was funny. That's comedy right there. That was so funny. To recover a fart noise to pull. That's comedy right there. To recover a fart noise here in the main room of the comedy store.

Oh, he's taking his pants off. This is highbrow comedy in here. I'm going to ask you something that I asked John Hanford and got a half an answer from. Special skills or talents. Something that you're really good at something that you took the time to get good at man i don't know i don't know if it's a special skill but i could like clap one hand oh i absolutely that's a special skill and we all want to see that am i right people okay and here we go let's see this one hand clap here Here he is. He's doing it right now. Can we get, are we on the camera?

Can we see this close up on this one? Okay, here we go. I don't know if this is going to work right now. Let's see. A lot of pressure. The answer was Tony, I don't have any special skills or talents. I was going to say like Hugo, Galaxy,

you're a comic. Now you're just caught on camera doing that shit. Nigga, you're going to be a meme forever. I can't believe you subjected yourself to that shit. After Trump lost. I didn't have nothing in my head.

That was like... another joke, nigga. No, no, no. No, we hear jokes all the time. Watching someone that can't do it. Try to clap with one hand. I don't know. Buy property. I don't know.

Dave Gunther. I really think he's just nervous. I think he can do it. You guys think you should give him another shot at it? No, I don't need another shot. Put it in the mic stand. Okay, let's see it one more time. Put the mic in the mic stand.

Put your hips and shoulders into it. Whatever you got to do to get the momentum of the top of your hand to hit the bottom of your hand. We demand. We are going to be here all night until this works. This is my favorite late-night talk show. Literally, when you're like, oh, Kill Tony's a live podcast and they keep going through a pandemic. How

low can they go? This is it. We're here still trying. It's weird, but taking the jacket off made it better. All right. Here it is. This is it. This is edited out scenes from Chappelle's SNL monologue right here. Okay, here he is. One hand clap.

It's Hugo Galaxy live on Kill Tony from the world famous comedy store. All the pressure in the world. We just got word Mitzi is watching right now. I'm sorry, Mom. Okay, don't make... Guys, don't make the fucking noise. That would really just be

a stupid thing to do on a podcast. We need the people to hear that he's failing. All right, here we go. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's really the stupidest thing I've ever seen. It is pretty dope. It sounds like a gnome jerking off.

How did you learn that you could do this? Retardation. Yeah, when I said special skills, I didn't mean it. It's like, well, I can drool. I can bounce my hand off my chest. I know a lot of special skills. I'm going to defend Hugo on this.

As black men coming up in the 80s, we all know how to do this. Got it, Hugo. Thank you. Thank you. The confident look in your face when you do it. Is that how you wave it? Why wouldn't it?

It ain't how you hail a taxi. Hugo, the one-hand made made the night for me. I absolutely loved it. In fact, I'm going to clap with both hands for you. There goes Hugo Galaxy, everybody. Come on. There goes Hugo. Wow. Wow. To be loved by you. All right. Your next comedian, a regular on this show. An incredible, incredible force who's been doing stand-up, I believe,

seven or eight years from the great state of Georgia. He's been a regular here for about a year, and he's here for you right now with a brand-new minute of uninterrupted stand-up comedy. And then an interview, ladies and gentlemen, the great David Lucas. And here he is. David Lucas. Yeah.

I realized how fat I was this weekend because I refused to have sex with this girl because it was 10-15 and I thought McDonald's only had 15 minutes left on their breakfast menu. And then I got there, and they was like, sir, we serve breakfast all day. I was like, oh, shit.

Well, give me two sausage McMuffins and a hash brown well done. Subarus are the gayest cars ever made. I can't believe white people go to the dealership and buy a brand new Subaru with zero miles. That shit baffles me. Why the fuck do you need a car capable of killing kangaroos? Uh, if I was a serial killer, I would, uh, stay outside outside 24 hours and snipe all in shape niggas.

If you had Planet Fitness, I'd leave you the fuck alone because your life already fucked up enough. But if you got a six pack and biceps, your ass is dead. Fuck yeah. David Lucas, speaking from the heart.

I believe all that. Yeah. I believe all that. I was offended by that whole, I Lucas, speaking from the heart. I believe all that. Yeah. I believe all that. I was offended by that whole, I mean, that Subaru bit you had. As a black man that owns a Subaru and can one-hand clap, I just. You own a Subaru? Yeah, I do. Why?

Why? What? Because it has zero miles. Really? You got a brand new Subaru? No, it was like a year old and that's 6,000 miles. And a Japanese dude owned it before and he souped it up and it was cheap. So I got it.

And it's a hell of a car. Which one? Not the station wagon. No, no. The baby driver WRX. Well, you know Subaru's slogan, right? What's in your closet? You.

You know, I got a fat person update for you on your joke that McDonald's doesn't have all day breakfast anymore. They don't? No, because of Corona. They got rid of it. Oh, shit. Well, it'll work afterwards. Wow.

I like the joke. I liked it. Yeah. And McDonald's. Corona killed all day breakfast. What would you get all day breakfast? What? What's your move on breakfast at McDonald's?

Oh, I don't fuck with McDonald's. That's just a joke. You don't ever? You ever try their actual all-American breakfast? It's actually not bad. It's surprising. I have. I've been, obviously, in some very odd airport situations all around the country and sometimes the world.

And sometimes McDonald's seems like the safest bet. Yep, yep. And a fun fact is I never eat McDonald's because I'm a big believer that it causes immediate depression within 20 minutes of eating it. However, the one thing that I do enjoy from McDonald's is, and you guys may know this, my travel friends, is the breakfast fajita burrito. Oh, yeah. That's a surprise. Shockingly good. They have the little picante sauces.

They give you a mild and a hot. And for some reason, the's a surprise. Shockingly good. They have the little picante sauces. They give you a mild and a hot. And for some reason, the thing is incredible. Absolutely explosive diarrhea. I was going to say, dude. Oh, my God. Sometimes it's worth it. And by the way, it's not always diarrhea. Sometimes it just like goes back inside of you and hardens up.

You know what I mean? Because you don't go number two on airplanes. James Harden fucking step back and shits out. Absolutely. But it makes you feel like you're going to... Maybe that's just airport McDonald's, because I've never had that happen. Yeah, it's like a dollar.

Well, your stomach absorbs everything. It's just like diarrhea. It just holds on to it. You don't even poop. Redman just fills up. He shit out his dick. He's just full of poop. That's crazy, bro.

So you say you don't fuck with McDonald's. I don't fuck with McDonald's, bro. What do you mean you don't fuck with McDonald's? Like that shit. Like the last time I had McDonald's was on some shit like you just said. I was stuck in the Phoenix airport and that was all they had. So what are you? What's the worst thing that you eat?

Because you look like you fucking got locked in a McDonald's for a few years. What's the worst shit I eat? I do appreciate black people adding an A on McDonald's. Yeah, can we talk about this special order of pesto pasta that you made? Why y'all niggas hating breakfast? Charlie, fuck with me. Because you are sort of... It's really funny. I've noticed this about you.

Hey, Charlie, did I know that was coming, though? You just said you did ask for it last week. I didn't hear any of that. Oh, my God. You pretended like he's not in the same room. And you had no idea he was going to throw you under the bus like that. He's being nice and giving us pizza every week. And you're making special requests?

David, this is totally something you would do. There was not a doubt in my mind when I saw that pesto pasta that you fucking asked him for the pesto pasta. Last week, you had your fucking white cousin parked in front of me. I had to move my car because anything that you get, you take more. You're like, hey, I got you two tickets to WrestleMania. There you go, pal. Go have fun. You're like, can I have three more? That's you. And now you're ordering?

I don't even do that with Charlie. And I spend like, what, $100 a week at Vito's. Oh, God. Y'all make me receive like an N-word. Well. Oh, no, no, no, no. I wasn't going to say it. No, last week we had the Vito's. I was just thinking it, man. I wasn no, no, no, no. I mean, I wasn't going to say it. No, last week we had the pizza.

I was just thinking it, man. I wasn't saying it out loud, man. Last week we had the pizza. I wrote it down. Listen, listen, listen. I wasn't going to say it. Wow, you wrote down a lot. Yeah.

Last week we had the pizza, and I was like, when are you going to do the pasta again? So I got my nutritionist. You have a nutritionalist? Is that what you're trying to say? No, nutritionist. Whatever the fuck it's called. A nutritionist. You have a nutritionalist? Is that what you're trying to say? Nutritionist. Whatever the fuck it's called. Nutritionist. Okay. The motherfucker that tell me how much of each

thing I need to eat. When did you get this guy? Last week. Did he find you? I've had him on and off for a little while, but I wasn't listening to him. Is that why you're wearing camo? Are you hiding from him right now? Nah, he watch the show. He does?

Yeah. Wow. But yeah, he put me back on straight. And since then, bro, like I lost a few pounds. What did this guy say to you? He goes, look, I'm a nutritionist. I want to help you. Yeah, he was basically like with fish, you're not going to get enough protein.

And that's going to make you eat heavier carbs. Yeah, by the way, I told you this on this show about a year and a half ago. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. He told me that shit and I was like, bro, you're right. Plus it's expensive as hell.

Right. Because he was like, you need to be hitting like 235 grams of protein a day. Right. And there's no way you're doing that with just salmon. Right. You know what I'm saying? So I got the chicken. He got me the protein shakes and other stuff and it's working already.

So. Yeah. It's working already. Have you lost weight? Six pounds since Thursday. You lost six pounds since Thursday. But I mean, I do a lot of shit. You know, I weight lift, grapple and shit. Hey,

so six pounds. Where do you think you lost it from? What part of your body? Thighs, hopefully. I'm trying to get skinny jeans. Really? Wow. That's your main goal? You want to start with skinny jeans and keep that upper body?

A lot of people be like, I'm losing weight for health reasons. I'm losing weight for fashion reasons. I love high-end fashion, and that shit only go up to like a 2X or 40 in the waist. I'm a 44. I'm a 44. 44 Savage. Is that your waist size?

44? 44, 42. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 44, 42. You mean 4,442? Oh, God, Tony. 44, 42? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So 44 width, 42 length?

Is that what you're saying? No, like this is a 44 right here. How does it work? How does it work with? No, he's saying sometimes it could be 42. Sometimes it could be 44. You two ever try to trade pants? Oh, dude, I wear a 34, 36.

That is a lie. Yeah, I do. You think Red Band wear a 36? I'm wearing a 36 right now. You're wearing a 36. William, what size pants you wear? I wear a 38, motherfucker. Yeah, but he like uses a rope to keep it wrapped around.

It's called a noose. All right, David, so much fun. We love you. We got to keep it wrapped around. It's called a noose. All right, David. So much fun. We love you. We've got to keep it moving. David Lucas, everybody. There goes David Lucas, everyone. There goes David Lucas. Lucas.

There goes David Lucas. All right. I pulled a name out of the bucket. Your next comedian goes by the name of Dan Levin. Here we go. Here is Dan Levin right now. Here is Dan Levin.

Hello everybody, I am Dan Levin and I grew up in Baltimore. Fun fact about Baltimore, if you've never been, actually has the largest gun range in the entire country. If you want to go check it out, it's called Downtown.

Head down, open fire, you can do whatever you want. After living in Baltimore, I moved to North Carolina for a couple years, which in a lot of ways was like L.A., except a little bit cheaper,

a little bit more racist. In fact, the band's actually giving me grocery store flashbacks at the moment. And then I decided it was like L.A., except a little bit cheaper, a little bit more racist. In fact, the band's actually giving me grocery store flashbacks at the moment. And then I decided to move to L.A. because I didn't think there was enough Jews here. So it's good to be here. And there's a lot of things I like about L.A., including all the opportunities for entertainment and comedy. I took an acting class, and the first exercise we did was everybody goes around the room and tells you what you look like what your first impression is as a character and it started off okay you know like gym teacher

or you know nba bench player or jason siegel and then it kind of took a weird turn uh people started saying things like rapist and serial killer and then somebody took it way too far and just shouted out jared kushner i was like okay there you go hi dan hi this is your first time on the show right it's my first time on the show how long you've been doing stand-up comedy about a year and a half or so where at uh mostly flappers and then random virtual is this your first time at the comedy store yeah actually my goodness yeah you came during an interesting time i did during a global pandemic fun six months yeah yeah uh-huh what have you been doing what have you been doing to pass the

time during this working watching tv what do you do for work i actually work in the news what what what brand of the news uh abc wow, you work for ABC News. I do. My goodness, what do you do for them? Are you a researcher? Producer. Wow, that's a really big deal. The local news affiliate or the big ABC News? Local.

Oh, that's incredible. So ABC Live on 5? ABC 7. ABC 7, very good. Red Band knows his local news. The police chase master. I got interviewed by ABC 7 for the purse house shit. Oh, look at that. ABC7, very good. Red Band knows his local news. The police chase master. I got interviewed by ABC7 for the purse house shit.

Oh, look at that. My goodness. Maybe I put you on TV. I think you did. Probably. Look at that. You do have that news look, though. He does. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

He does. My goodness. You could just mess your hair up a little. What a switch. I just showered and everything. What a switch. We went from BET to ABC that quickly. Just one little channel change away.

Yeah. So how long have you been working with the news? What year is this? 2020, so like 10 years. My goodness, that's a long time. It feels like a long time. Incredible. What's an interesting thing that you've done in that field?

Did you break any stories or anything? What was like a highlight or something? Highlight? Well, I did sports for the first four years. I really enjoyed that. That was pretty cool. I got to cover the Ravens winning the Super Bowl. That was a lot of fun. I used to have to answer the

phones. Got a lot of dumb phone calls. That was always entertaining. People who call news stations usually aren't the brightest bulbs on the tree. Was there any UFO reportings or anything like that you'd ever received? All the time. All the time.

So there's this big theater in Baltimore called the Senator that shoots up a spotlight. And any time they shoot up a spotlight, there's immediately 10 to 15 phone calls of people just, oh my God, there's something flying over our house. I'm like, no, they're just showing the Dark Knight. So that wasn't a UFO? I can't prove that. Or maybe the aliens just really liked that light. Or maybe really those aliens liked the Dark Knight.

That's true. It was a great film. What do you like to do for fun, Dan? You seem like you have some interesting, fun side hobbies. I like to play sports. What kind of sports do you like to play? You say that like a table tennis aficionado. Actually, so fun story.

I'm actually an international gold medalist in bowling. What? Wow. This is absolutely incredible. Breaking news here. We actually have a sound of you hard at work here. It's going to give me horrible flashbacks. There you go. Oh, it to give me horrible flashbacks. There you go.

Oh, it's William's girlfriend. Erica, we learned her name was tonight. So that's great. How many times have you got like a 300? Never. I didn't say I was good. I just said I want a gold medal. A gold medal, really? With no 300? No 300, yeah. What's their high? What's their betting process?

250 something. Well, you got to remember the competition I was going up against here. Your last name is Moses. Damn right. The Maccabi Games. You ever heard of that? No. It's like the Jewish Youth Olympics.

That was Maccabi. Yeah. Maccabi. You're probably right. I'm anti-Semitic, though, so it's different. What is this? Jewish bowling? Yeah, it was Jewish bowling.

Well, so it's like the Jewish Youth Olympics. Do you put little yarmulkes on your bowling balls? Yeah, and I can only bowl them from right to left. Because that's how you guys read. Are you Jewish? I am Jewish, yeah. Oh, you work in the news. Brian won cash for gold medal ones.

Wow. 1,300 bucks? Yeah. My goodness Yeah it was okay Did you Are there other Jewish bowlers That bowl 300

Or is that No it was It was pretty slim pickings At this conference I didn't go to bowl Jesus Actually Yeah Jesus probably

Hit a 300 at some point Right I don't think Wait so you're from Baltimore Yeah How's the crack It was alright Really

Yeah Have you tried crack I have not tried crack Really I got offered crack though What kind of drugs Do you think is true Moses what are you doing Does this guy look like How's the crack? It was all right. Really? Yeah. Have you tried crack? I have not tried crack. Really? I got offered crack, though. What kind of drugs do you think he's trying? What are you doing? Does this guy look like, out of everybody that's been on so far, he's the only one that

doesn't seem like he's tried crack. This is Disney owned. I've been offered crack numerous times. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, from Baltimore. Yeah, exactly. All you got to do is stop and get gas. Hey, man, you want some Ready Rock?

Not really. Ready Rock? Wait, you do know the term? Well, you're in the news i guess i got offered that one time wow so you're an international gold medalist bowler i should clarify i made the baseball team for team baltimore before i ever went to bowling but the coach was kind of a dickhead so i still wanted to come it was actually in orange county a jewish baseball player my goodness can you imagine the stolen bases this guy must have had?

Oh, come on, Tony. My goodness. Again, we run the other... Mookie Betts. Wow. On everything. All this baseball talk has David Lucas thinking of a Denny's Grand Slam right now. Okay.

He's gone. He's crying in the bathroom. He just lost another pound in tears. Just shredding the pounds. He just lost another pound in tears. Just shredding the pounds. Were you ever fat? You seem like you used to be obese. Not obese. I was chubby in high school and then I

grew like 15 inches within like a year and a half. Wow. 15 inches are also known as almost four William Montgomery penis lengths. That's a good metric. It's a solid metric. Wow, 15 inches are also known as almost four William Montgomery penis lengths. Oh. Yeah. That's a good metric.

It's a solid metric. That's it. We weigh things. We measure things. Very funny here. We measure things in William penis sizes and what is it, quarter pounders? Quarter pounders, yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So I'm like 100 William penis sizes and 17 quarter pounders. You're not 17 quarter pounders. You're a good, howers. You're good. Say like 58. That's probably better. Here's a real question. I got into journalism not to do math. You're from Baltimore. You're a white guy. You kind of have this thing. Have you ever rapped?

Oh, good question. Every Baltimore white guy no raps. Not well. I knew you did though. I mean like never like on my own. It was more of like a drunken karaoke. Okay, you did, though! Not well. I mean, like, never, like, on my own. It was more of, like, a drunken karaoke. Okay, you have your own raps. You're lying to me.

I do not have my own raps. I don't. I don't. Come on, give us a little something. We know you have some Jewish raps. Some Jewish raps? Without a doubt. Oh, man, you're going to make me freestyle?

I'm not ready for that. It's like the Jewish rapper. It's like the... What? This morning on Sunday News. Dradle, y'all. What the hell kind of rap beat is this? Dr. Dradle. That's not bad.

The Frigos. The Frigos. That's not terrible. Dishy Eccles, yo. Shout out J-Mo. I kind of like Dr. Dre Too cheap That's not bad Too cheap

That's pretty good too 50 cent I think just works in itself Okay let's hear a Jewish rap Everybody Here comes a Jewish rap Everyone What an exciting Monday

Here we go Here's a little Jewish rap Here's Dr. Dre With his new hit Saving my money Oh do I have to There's no beat Dr. Dradal with his new hit, Saving My Money. Oh, do I have to, there's no beat? Here it comes.

It's Drop It Like It's Hot Soup by Dr. Dradal. Here's a Jewish rap. It's a matzo ball soup remix. A little something called I'm Allergic to Snoop Dogs. This is off his hit album, I'm Allergic to Cats. You have a band here. You want us to play the music?

Unless you want me to just go for it. Here we go. All right, here it comes. Here he is. Two, three, four. I'm waiting for the beat drop. Here he is. Two, three, four. I'm waiting for the beat drop. Here he comes. Here it comes.

I'm here on the Kill Tony show rapping. It's something I never thought I'd do. But I'm honored to be here and try to put this together for you. Hey. It's almost Hanukkah time. Yeah. A time to celebrate. Skirt. Skirt. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll get

eight crazy dates. Oh, God. Eight crazy dates. Yeah. There he is. That's good. All right. We're all about to commit a mass suicide here live on this show. Take me with you, please. Oh, my goodness. There's a guy one hand clapping in the audience right now.

All right, Dan. This was so much fun. We had a blast with you. Thanks so much for that incredible rap. Do me a favor. Write There's a guy one hand clapping in the audience right now Alright Dan This was so much fun We had a blast with you Thanks so much for that incredible rap Do me a favor write another minute Come back again There goes Dan Levin Thank you Dan

Hey Alright Your next comedian goes by the name of All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Jessica Lee Foster, everyone. Jessica Lee Foster. So very funny. I grew up in the 90s, 90s kid. I listened to a lot of hip-hop. I also was an aspiring rapper. What I mean to say

is I said the N-word a lot as a teenager. Never a hard R, never a hard R. I'm not a hard R kind of girl. I had permission, okay? I gave myself permission for the culture. But yeah, until one day, my friend Brian, actually, Brian said to me, Jessica, don't call me that. And I was like, oh, whatever, neighbor. And he was like, no, Jessica, really, don't call me that. That's not what I am. And I thought, holy shit, if I've offended my friend, you know, who really knows my heart and my soul, like, if I've offended my friend, you know, who really knows my heart and my soul? Like, if I've offended him, what's going to happen when I go out in the world and say that to somebody who doesn't know my heart,

who doesn't know me? So I never said that, you know, I never said that word again, you know, because I really loved Brian. He was the first faggot I ever knew. That's Christ. Jesus Christ. My God. Wow.

Freedom of speech at the end there. That really is. It still exists under the new Biden administration, I guess. You can say whatever you want. Should we all say it together? Can we not? My mic's off right now. You can't.

I've never actually really called anybody that before. There you go. Just so you know, America. Transplasm myself. There you go. So Jessica Lee Foster, remind us of everything about you. You've been on this show once before, right? Twice.

Twice before. But it's been a long time. It's been a long time. I think the last time I was here was about a year ago. Uh-huh. What happened on that show? What did we talk about? What did we make fun of?

What did we find out about you? I mean, we talked about my kid. We talked. You have a kid? I do. Is he black? He's half. Hell yeah.

He is. He is. I knew it. Huh? Look at you. That makes sense. Yeah. He's 18.

He just went to college. He's actually on a college campus wait wait wait what sport does he play he doesn't play sports i know right i know i yeah he is half white exactly he's studying architecture oh wow he's gonna build that wall finally and and and he went on full scholarship i think we talked about the scholarship. He got a scholarship? Yeah, he did. For what? Because he's half black.

Probably. What do you mean probably? I mean, I'm poor and a single mother and he's brilliant and beautiful. That's great. Just one son? That's it. And so what happened? She was on Mari.

18 years ago in nine months, you got pounded by a black guy. Is that correct? Was it a one-night stand? Boyfriend? No, it was a boyfriend. Did he stick around for a while when you got pregnant? It's a very complicated thing. He was around when my son was younger.

But he is also the reason why we fled New York. So, there's that. Right. Exactly. All right. So, there's that. Right. Exactly. All right. So, things got a little rough with him. They did get very rough. Right.

Exactly. Well, that's a good thing that you got away. Yeah. And you've been away and happy ever since. Indeed. And the 18-year-old's doing great. He's going to college. Where's he going?

He goes to a college upstate in New York. I don't want to say the name. Okay. No, that's perfect. Absolutely. Is his name like American Black or is it something like weak? His name's Lucas. Oh!

Although I almost named him, I have my list of names. I almost named him Takai. Thank you. Yeah, something hard. Lucas. He's like mom, thank God. You know why I named him Lucas, though? Because his father did.

It's a better last name, I'll be honest with you. Johnson. Johnson's his last name. Lucas Johnson? Lucas Johnson. Is this your kid? He's my child. Does he play chess?

That's a chess name. He does play chess. It's a chess name. He's actually a chess champion. Chess champion. Fucking nailed it. Lucas Johnson. You can tell things from the names.

Yeah. Like, I used to, to like in ohio for example you know like who's a wrestler by their names like you know fucking um uh who were the guys uh oh like we had two football players at our school they were twin brothers colin and kyle brew baker both linebackers that just smash you right over the middle but they got ran over by Maurice Claret our junior year. That's a funny thing. I don't know what you can tell from this but my mother named me Jessica J-E-S-I-K-A

No two S's? One S, one K. One S, one K. Wow. So your mom also a little bit wide. Single mother one K. Wow. So your mom also a little bit single mother, teenage mother. She smells like one too. She smells like one spell spells like one. So you were a teenage mother. Whatever I, yeah. How old? 16. I bet you were cute as hell. I could see it. I could see how 18 years ago you were a cute little pog, and then the work of having to raise.

Yep, sure. Sure it is. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, totally still there. Yep. And Red Band wears a size 34 pants. Yeah. It's the nastiest thing you ever did with a guy in the bedroom.

Let's talk about it. It wasn't in a bedroom. I had sex in a New York City cab going over the actual sex over the bridge. Would you say that the sex was good or fair? I see you over there.

That's one of the perks. That's how you don't get caught in New York. That's the perks of having a cab that always smells like interracial sex. Oh, come on. When it's happening. cab that always smells like interracial sex. Oh, come on. When it's happening, you can't even tell. Why the hell is it interracial, Tony? Oh, you don't know? Yeah, you're from a different

part. There's a whole different... Moses knows what I'm talking about. He's our interracial sex correspondent, Brian Moses, live on this scene. So you had sex, actual intercourse. Like insertion. So you're on top of him.

Taxicab confession. Going for the true taxicab ride. No, it was missionary. Missionary. So you're laying down. In a cab? Yes. Not cowgirl? Welcome to Ben Bailey's gas cab. I was a little embarrassed. I wanted to hide my feet. Wait, wait. Was this a van? No, it was like one of those big

sedans. Instead of the lights on the ceiling that go off, there's just cum dripping down everywhere. Oh, it's cash cab. Was the guy washing? He said cash cab. He kept looking in the rear view mirror. Of course, he knew exactly what was going on. Right.

You think he touched himself? Did he please himself at all? Oh, he totally jerked off. Really? Do you really believe that? Not while he was driving the car. Only I would do that. Afterwards. You're saying that you

made a deposit in his bank bank? Yes, absolutely. This is somebody's mother, by the way, guys. Yeah, it really is. This is incredible. Shout out to Lucas Johnson. You're a real bitch. Racist name. Why is it a racist name? It just sounds like a

Lucas John Do you know why he's named Lucas? Why? Because his father said What about Lucas? I said let me think about it Was it because the father skywalked out on him? Wow

You are not my son Sure But he suggested I am not your father You are not my son. But he suggested it. I am not your father. I will beat your mother until you have to flee the state of New York. Okay, go ahead. That's dead-ass Vader from New York. No, but his father said the name, and I said, what does the name mean? He's like, Darth Later.

Okay, go ahead. I'm sorry. Doing impressions of your uh son's uh father yeah of your baby in 2002 right baby daddy uh-huh yeah so go ahead why is anyways lucas means bringer of light and then i decided yeah i like this i like this name so i told his dad hey it's gonna be lucas and he said oh no no no yeah I talked to my mother and she said, you can't name him Lucas because there's a retarded cousin in the family named Lucas. And I said, oh, that's his name.

You're like, mom, but he's what? Just to spite his mother because she's an asshole. That's cool. Yeah. Is his father Nigerian? His father what? Is his father Nigerian? Yes.

What kind of African is his father? He's very American, African. Oh, African-American type? Yeah,? Yes. What kind of African is his father? Very American, African. American? Oh, African American type? Yeah. Just Bronx. They don't know what he is? New Yorkers.

Just Bronx. Yeah. You ever talk with him anymore? You ever update him and stuff? You ever ask him for money? There's a restraining order. Oh, okay. Oh, no.

I'm sorry. Not restraining. Order of protection. Okay. Okay. It's not allowed. An OOP. An OOP.

Exactly. Other people's called OOPS. OPP. I like OPC. That's what I like. Okay. it's not allowed an OOP other people call it oops I like OPC that's what I like wow that's an interesting statement was this guy a drug dealer? no we actually we rapped together we did hip hop music together

oh you guys were rappers in New York guys can we get some bars from this chick? no I have crippling anxiety so I can't freestyle. Oh, but you can do stand in front of nobody. Hi. It's different. Do you have a fish tank? I'm getting fish tank

energies from you. You know what? I need a fish tank. Do you have some type of animal? A plant? I have a lot of plants. Oh, there it is. That's what I've been doing in this, you know, COVID times is just buying plants. I'm very thankful that I'm allergic to cats or else my apartment would be fucking awful. Cats?

I'm allergic to them. So I got plants instead. Oh, okay. Because they don't make you sneeze. God, you're weird as fuck. Jessica Lee Foster Children. That as fuck. Jessica Lee Foster Children. That is true. Jessica Lee Foster.

It's Australian for beer. And American for child abuse. How about now? What's your sex life like now? This is a very heavy sex episode. You know, I really thought with my kid leaving the house that my sex life would improve vastly.

How long ago did he leave the house? In August. Of this year? Yeah. Oh, this just happened. Yeah. So, you know, the best thing that's happened is I've moved my vibrator into the living room. Wow.

Keep it fresh. You know, Kill Tony's audiences are usually 18 to 45. So just if Lucas is listening. Lucas doesn't listen to this shit. He's not listening. He wouldn't listen. He's a smart kid. He's not a fan of comedy.

He was born without ears. Yeah. He doesn't have a sense of humor. He does have a great sense of humor. He does? He really does. And perfect comedic timing, this kid. You sound like one of those moms that

brags about everything. I don't know, but I think it's probably big. How do you not know? You never saw it? I mean, I haven't seen his dick since he was like 11. Man, then you're doing it wrong. My mom saw my dick when I was just a little boy and she still brags about it to everybody she meets.

First thing she said to me, yeah. Have you seen Tony's dick? When he was like three, we'd gone on a road trip with some friends. And we all got out of the car to pee because it was a long trip. But he didn't have to get out of the car. He just stayed in his seat and put it out the window. Pretty much. He's on the side of the road peeing

and my friend looks over at him. She's Jamaican and she looks over and she goes, Holy shit, man. Oh my god, that boy got an anchor. Yeah, he's got an anchor. So I'm pretty sure he's probably still got it. And then she jerked that chicken, didn't she? Yeah. But he's kind of a dork, you know? She fucking bobbed that, Marley.

Who? What? No, three. We're talking about three-year-old. Yeah, we get it. She fucking Trin that, Marley. Who? What? No, three. We're talking about three-year-old. Yeah, we get it. She fucking Trinidad and Tobago. Do you know what I'm saying? Okay, there she goes. Thank you so much, Jessica Lee Foster. There you go.

There you go. There you go. Oh, my God. Longest episode. All right, last one. Real quick. Ladies and gentlemen brian blank here comes brian blank my god i'm sorry these interviews today too long that's my fault brian blank oh i like to make salmon for myself. Stay with me. I also like to put Arby's sauce on the salmon. Let's talk about Arby's sauce as a condiment for a second. Arby's sauce goes well on everything.

All right. Tastes amazing. Horsey sauce, not just fun to say, also tastes delicious. Are we Closet Arby's fans? I know we're Closet Arby's fans. I haven't been inside an Arby's in 15 years, but the drive-thru is always full, even pre-COVID. I think Arby's should change their name because Arby's sounds gross. I get it.

I would never be in a group of friends and suggest that we go to Arby's. I think Arby's should change their name to Luxury Sandwiches. That is what they sell. You cannot tell me that a Reuben on marble rye isn't a luxury sandwich. French dip?

A French dip is so luxurious, that shit comes with their own dipping sauce, and that dipping sauce is pronounced au jus. If I were to ask you, do you want... All right. Wow. I think a lot of people are about to be surprised by what my review of this set is going to be. I think a lot of people are probably expecting Tony to go crazy

because Tony talks about, you know, eating some decent foods in this world and this and that. But I'm going to tell you right now, I don't think out of everyone that has been, since we've been back to the comedy store, since we have started reshooting shows here for the past, what, three, four months, I don't think anybody has spoken more truth and

straight down the barrel honesty. You've stuck with your guns. It's the horse of truth. That's the first time we've seen that in a while. And I agree with everything that you said. You take a chance. I mean, you took a chance and you absolutely committed to it. And I agree with everything.

Arby's sauce is unbelievable. Horsey's sauce is fucking God's gift to the world. The first thing, I've known Tony for 13 years. The first thing, literally, I was like, oh, this guy's weird. It's because he's like, are we going to Arby's? I love the horse sauce. It's good. I don't remember that.

It was one of the weirdest things you said. I was like, oh, that guy's kind of weird because you love Arby's. Is that true? You really remember that? Yeah, you came down with Rick Ingram and you were fucking going ham about how great it was because he was like, it's garbage. But you're like no no no have you had the horsey sauce? Yeah I'll argue

Arby's to the death. Arby's sauce is incredible and can I just say the quick tag real quick very very quick. Sure. If Arby's does change it to luxury sandwiches I would just be putting luxury sauce on my salmon and that sounds delicious. Yep. Absolutely. Yep. You got it all the way. Thank you. Through and through.

How long have you been on stand-up comedy like 11 years 11 years and it shows it absolutely shows because you know a lot of people do jokes and a lot of people do this and that but to really stay in the pocket on something that you believe in uh it's a it's an interesting part for these fans of this show that listen to it as real comedy fans you know that's an interesting thing that we don't really get to talk about enough, is that, for example, during that part, and I almost absolutely never make an audible sound during a comedian set on this,

but I did during yours. Red Band did as well. And there's Moses here, all three of us, just nodding along. You had our attention deep into a very long show. These interviews have been extremely long tonight. We had a couple technical issues. Is his mic still up?

But still, you had all of our attention in an incredible way. And we've never met you or seen you before. So the 11 years really shows. And people say, oh, 60 seconds. That's not enough time to do this. that's not enough time to do this. That's not enough time to do that. Meanwhile, you had us completely engaged the entire time talking about, of all things, Arby's. But you were saying the truth about Arby's.

A lot of people make bad diarrhea jokes about Arby's. Oh, Arby's, and then I poop my pants. A lot of haters. Right. A lot of haters. Right. The same vibes with Chipotle. You know what?

I'm a Chipotle fan. I mean, Chipotle, same exact thing. Someone tried to tell me that Chipotle isn't healthy. I'm like, wait, if you order unhealthy shit anywhere. You want queso on it. Yeah. It's unhealthy. You can make anything unhealthy.

I'm not buying this with this fucking Adam Ray undercover as a fucking Arby's rep right now. I mean, this whole time, Kill Tony's so popular, fucking fast food reps are coming in here advertising on your show right now. I knew that someone told me I should do that joke. I did that at Open Mic and someone was like, you should do that joke on Kill

Tony. Because they wanted to see you bomb. But you didn't because they obviously know that Tony secretly loves Arby's. And now it's not a secret. I guess. No, I just like his passion that he had with it. It's true.

It was a lot of passion. That's what I'm talking about. It's passion on a subject that isn't, it's the opposite of the easy, lame joke, which is Arby's makes my tummy hurt. I need to go poo-poo. And you're absolutely right. It's the things that everybody thinks that nobody talks about.

Those are the things that make comedy great. You're such a hardened comic at this point. Literally, this guy did a fucking monologue on Arby's. There were no punchlines. He was just picking up Arby's. You're like, this is gold. It really is, though. There doesn't need to be defined punchlines when the thing's funny.

I think he was so comfortable on stage, you could tell that he's been doing comedy. You guys are starving. That's what this sounds like right now. No, no. If the Ice House was open, I would invite him. You can come to Joe Rogan's Chuckle Hut next year for the desk watch.

Also, fair enough, so we don't need punchlines on this show. Okay, cool. Turn my mic back on! Turn my fucking mic back on! Also, fair enough, so we don't need punchlines on this show. Okay, cool. All right. Turn my mic back on. Turn my fucking mic back on. But it was a great change of pace. Okay, guys. All right.

Joel, you know you have Instagram for validation, right? All right. Okay. So, wow know you have Instagram for validation, right? Don't push that! All right. Okay. So, wow. Where do we even begin here? By the way, it's not something that I even eat. I don't even eat Arby's that often. It's been years, I think.

Actually, I do remember the last time. It was the last. It was on our way home from Kill Tony Mania. Yeah, Joel will actually be performing at the San Francisco No Punch Line all weekend. We had 4 a.m. You guys remember that? 4 a.m. Arby's coming back from Kill Tony Mania? That's right. I wasn't there. It was in Arby's inside of a gas station also.

And it was open. And I remember thinking, you were sitting next to me and I go, is that motherfucking Arby's open? And it was open. It was so open. Just imagine you in a station wagon with them in the back. Hey, everybody, treat. We're getting Arby's tonight.

You should see how we rolled a San Francisco. Sprinter van, it was cool. No, that was Vegas. We had beef and cheddars on the way home from Vegas. It was Vegas. No, it wasn't Vegas. It was 100% Vegas. No, it was not Vegas.

He's going to turn this fucking car around, everybody. Shut up! I swear to God, it was Vegas. No, it wasn't Vegas. It was 100% Vegas. No, it was not Vegas. He's going to turn this fucking car around, everybody. Shut up! I swear to God, it was Vegas. All right. Tell us more about your life. Tell us something interesting about you. It's not Vegas. My brother's adopted from South Korea.

I don't think most people would know that. Your brother's from South Korea? My brother's adopted from South Korea. I don't think most people would know that. Wow. What's that like, having a brother from South Korea? Long live was adopted from South Korea. I don't think most people would know that. Goodness. Wow. What's that like, having a brother from South Korea? Long live the South. It's different. He's older. He's three and a half years older.

They adopted him because they didn't think they could have kids, and then they had me. So it was always... Wow, and you sort of look South Korean. How fitting. I think I look like a lot of things, man. I get that a lot. Mainly Adam Ray in disguise. You definitely do look like Adam Ray. You look like Rick Moran a lot of things, man. I get that a lot. Yeah, absolutely. Mainly Adam Ray in disguise. You definitely do look like Adam Ray.

You look like Rick Moranis right after he got jumped. Okay, so what's it like having a South Korean brother? I mean, we don't really talk, so I guess it's like normal. Oh, he only speaks South Korean? No, he's just not that cool. Family can't afford subtitles Does he play video games a lot or something like that? Is that why? Or is he into anime?

No, he's just kind of a dick, man Growing up, he was just a dick We played video games growing up Jesus, are you sure you wasn't? Because he made them How's he a dick? He cut me with a steak knife When we were playing Madden

Oh my god are you sure this kid isn't North Korean? I mean I don't know he's just kind of a dick man When he cut you with a steak knife Did he light you on fire And like make it flambe or whatever? No Okay You ever been to Korean barbecue?

Did he make you put it on the grill after he cut you open? He didn't do any of those things, no. Clearly there's only two people in the room that have been to Korean barbecue. What is happening here? We don't eat that, Tony. Did he put sliced onions on top of your wound?

No, man. And then crack an egg on it? He didn't ask if I was okay. He didn't do anything. I'm killing with the two guys. Ryan, J.E. Belt, and Moses are the only people. Red Bandit. I had kimchi today.

Yeah, you're on a sushi roll. Sushi on the wound. When did you start dating her? Kimchi. A wrong time ago. Oh, shit. Also, Tony, I want to apologize. I think it was San Francisco.

Thank you so much. That's great. We fucking care. That's shit. Also, Tony, I want to apologize. I think it was San Francisco. Thank you so much. That's great. We fucking care. That's great. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Kimchi, when you start dating her. Get the fuck off. Okay, we are getting Joel neurological testing before next week's episode.

My ass is COVID, man. I swear to you. All right. I feel like I was going to tell a joke that's not gonna happen let's just go on there what are you gonna do you gonna do a joke do a fucking joke i was gonna my brother uh we don't get along uh my dad is also kind of mean sometimes so like from whenever we would go out to a restaurant yeah from the waiter's perspective it didn't look like i was getting an argument with my brother it looked like i was getting an argument with a friend of mine and it looked like

my dad would always take my friend's side oh that's hilarious from the waiter's side brian stop being mean to june ho like that did he have a super south k name? Jared. So no. Jesus. Pretty much. That's pretty. You're the one that looks like Jared. I guess. Oh, man. Okay. All right. Well.

I feel like my set went a lot better than the interview. It did. It was about Arby's. We're hungry. It's a good thing. We're not hungry, Brian. We all ate pizza from Delicious Vito's Pizza on La Cienega, just south of Santa Monica Boulevard.

And some of us eat special delivery pesto pasta. Where is he? Oh, Charlie, do you think next week you could bring some Arby's pasta? Arby's pasta. Some roast beef stroganoff. All right, Brian. So much fun. We're running long here.

We're going to get ready to come back again. Do another new minute soon. We want to see more. Brian Blank. Thank you. What have we done? What have we done? All right, ladies and gentlemen, this is it.

We finally made it to the finish line. This is as exciting as it gets. It is that time for our super regular, one of the most powerful men in all of stand-up comedy. I present to you once again the goat himself, the great Michael Lehrer, everyone. Here we go. There's the shoes.

Wow. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Whoa. Oh my goodness. Whoa.

Whoa. Oh! It's really him! Wait a second. Oh! Oh! Oh! Whoa! Wow!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Wow! What an entrance. Magic. Magic. Magic, motherfuckers. magic motherfuckers man

my body my body is really fucking degenerating quickly. I'm about to roll up on John Legend's ass and be like, Where's my fucking ice-fucking money, you motherfucker? I saw you do the challenge.

You beat my fucking ice-fucking money. You be buying fucking nice fucking money. You know, fuck that. Put your guy in my book bag. The Emmy, the Grammy, the Oscar, and the Tony, all right? And whatever face lotion you uppity pick of a wife is, I want that shit too. Look, I want to do an impression of every woman I've ever scorned. Come on! Come on!

Women have been responsible for every wonderful thing that's ever happened to me. And I've always been an asshole. I must have won Dynamite Day. Wow. What a work of art. I mean, just incredible from beginning to end. So much to talk about.

Let's talk about it. Brian Moses, I've been a million dollars seeing one of those indie guys pretending to be black. Real Kamala Harris, you got me. Yeah, a lot of people have said this. Yeah, when all those n-words are going to bite you in the ass when people find out you're a slumdog millionaire. Wow. This is the greatest rumor I've ever heard in my entire life.

That Moses is an Indian man. By the way, a lot of Moses' stand-up comedy has to do with racial humor. You do say the N-word since the first set I ever saw you do. Yeah, I was screaming the N-word. Fucking Mississippi Marcello. I always...

Fuck this guy. He's like, William Walk, the wheelchair guy. Bitch, I'm the closer. All right? Hey. I wanted to talk. Let's do it.

All right. Now. By the way, this is how an interview is supposed to go. This guy comes in and puts on his fucking show. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And Brian, beef is squash.

I'm more black than you, and that means we're cool. All right? Now, now... Joe Biden shit you just did to me. Now, my soul life, soul focus in life is fourfold. One, be the funniest motherfucker on the planet. Two, be a world champion at poker. Three, help my son when I

have time. Four, be the biggest, sexiest, disabled, sexable that ever lived. That's why I'm dressed like this. There you go. I think the only

thing you have to do is win a poker tournament and whatever you said for number three that I couldn't understand. It would have to do with my son, but fuck him. Okay, perfect. Yeah, but I had a wonderful week. I went to the most narrow bullshit cake museum ever. Cake museum? Yeah. A museum of cake? Like the food? Yes.

It's called Cake Land. It's in Chinatown. Now there's nothing worse than a gay abstract artist with a trust fund. Because I'm the first

to say comedians aren't artists. I never say I'm an artist. But every time I go to a museum, I'm like, we might be the only artists. Because

abstract art is bullshit, alright? A fucking gay guy gets a trust fund only artists cause abstract art is bullshit alright a fucking gay guy gets a trust fund and he's like oh let me take a cake and make it as big as a room

or fuck you yeah fuck that guy how big is the cake what kind of room are we talking about? Big is the room, man. You ever seen this thing? Ryan J. Ryan J. is the house artist.

He's shaking his head no. Also, how big is this gay guy? That sounds scary, man. Dude, he's not that big. And I go, resume for the cake. And he goes, okay.

And then he won. And now my asshole is not a virgin anymore. You're saying this gay artist raped you, man? No. Because I lost the butt sex once. raped you in? No. Because I lost the

butt sex once. We have a question coming in from William Montgomery. I'm going to take it just to see how this pans out. Yell it real good, William. I just want to say we went to the museum. It was a hell of a cake. Someone

asked Michael what was wrong with him. I didn't realize he had hepatitis C there you go it wasn't worth it sometimes you take a creative risk well the good thing about having um such a serious disease like

Lou Gehrig's is that all my hepatitis is apparently comparison at Lou Gehrig's is that all my hepatitis is apparently comparison. Right. Yeah, life is not a cakewalk for you. No, it's a

floor face first into the cake and then the doctors have to pump frosting out of your legs. Hold on. We have breaking news right now. David Lucas

found out that there's a cake the size of a room and now it no longer exists. We're going to get back to the show. This is great. I didn't know that Bobcat Goldthwait got ALS. Yeah, I've gotten that. Are you going at this guy again?

He came at me first. He called you a fucking Indian, dude. He said N-Worves were going to bite me in the ass. Hey, you. Shove your ass, scrub your ass, Depp Hotel. He just called you Dave Hotel. I know.

Depp Hotel. Judd Apatow. That's actually insulting That's actually worse than the N word Yeah you're right God damn it Michael Come on I was kidding

I called you Bobcat Goldfrey You called me fucking Judd Apatow No I called you Judd Apatow I'm still running on Your secret Indian He called you Deepak Chopra Oh Yeah

That's not that bad He called you Tupac Chopra? Tupac Chopra. Hey, I have a token that didn't fit into my set. Let's do it. I'm a token too. Let's do it right now. Thank you. I've only been a token for four

years. But I love the pandemic. My dream was always to eat Denny's outside. Wow. Is there anything else, Michael? This is the longest episode in months. months um um i'm sure there is i come fully loaded every week um um no michael lair ladies and gentlemen everything him is at michaellaircomedy.com tons of merch skateboards shirts

everything michaellairComedy.com. And it's just a funny website. That's tonight's episode. Oh, wait. Michael, just remember, he has another article of clothing to take off or something. What's going on? You know, I got a new roach clip. Uh-oh.

Look at that. Wow. Poor joint. Look at that. My goodness. Did you roll that joint yourself? No. I can't sign my own name. I'm definitely not rolling joints.

Yeah, that joint needs Roman. Yeah, you need Roman E.T. Is that Mary Poppins' joint? Yeah. This is the road clip in the age of Corona. Look at that. The joint has Lou Gehrig's disease, too. Wow.

That's tonight's episode. Let's look at the drawing from Ryan J. Ebel right down the barrel. This is tonight's drawing. Jesus Christ, Ryan. Oh, my god. He's out of control. He had a lot of time to put a lot of work in that. Jesus. Yeah, you could tell it was the longest

episode because that looks like that would take a regular artist months to do. He did it in merely two and a half hours. Ryan J. E. Belt. Everything's at ryanjebelt.com. How about a big hand

for tonight's guest, the great Brian Moses. Brian Moses is on social media at... Brian Moses for breakfast. There you go. And he's the creator of Rose Spattle. A lot of fun

stuff he's creating and working on here at the Comedy Store right now. And what else? Anything else? Every Friday, check out the Roast Battle on YouTube or right here at the Comedy Store Network. That's right. I absolutely agree with that. And I come and I hang out on there quite a bit as well.

We have some fun. And, yeah, how about a big hand for the leader of the band, ladies and gentlemen, Jeremiah Watkins, everyone. He did it. He was here all night tonight. Jeremiah's got a brand new special coming out in December. Tell us more about it, Jeremiah. December 8th comes out on Amazon Prime.

You can preorder it now on my website, jeremiahwatkins.com. You should check out my podcast if you haven't tried it out in a while. Jeremiah Wonders has got a lot of new episodes. Jeremiah, stand up on social media. I love you guys. Thank you for your support. My goodness gracious. I mean, when you talk about a performance tonight, I mean, just incredible.

Ladies and gentlemen, how about a big hand for Darlene, everybody? It's Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson. Silent but deadly, locked and loaded. What's going on, Jet Ski? Tony, I have a Zoom show for Ohio State at the end of the month, and I'll post about it on my Instagram where you can find the link to that. What do you mean? What do you mean for Ohio State?

It's a Zoom. Ohio State is going to be watching, but anybody can go to the link and watch it. It's on Zoom. You're doing a comedy show for the Ohio State University? Yes. Well, let me tell you right now, before you do that, from now on, when you plug it, show for The Ohio State University? Yes. Well, let me tell you right now, before you do that, from now on, when you plug it, you say The Ohio State University. That's the

actual name. Now, everybody always laughs. It's the actual... This is true. They copyrighted this like hundreds of years ago. The name of the school is The Ohio State University. Well, I would have looked like a big idiot because my opener was Hi, Ohio State. Well, good, I would have looked like a big idiot because my opener was Ohio State.

Well, good. Good. You would have looked like a big idiot if that was the name of the school. Too, so we saved you there. Jetski Johnson also has handmade ornaments that she makes herself, boxes herself, and ships them out herself.

All of those are available at jetskijohnson.com guys on the base all night tonight the incredible stylings of Chroma Chris everyone you're well Tony really got rid of my red white and blues from this week if you know what I mean but uh

hey Tony you guys can all check me out Chroma Chris I have a couple new YouTube videos I got the orange jam sponsor video and I also got a Jam in the Van video from Dragging the Swamp Rats out right now. Fan-fucking-tastic. And that's it. That's everybody.

Hey, everyone. Check out... No, here he is. It's Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez, everyone. He's back there. He's the drummer. He's the backbone of the band. He's the backbone of the band. We are having Spina Bifida tonight, by the way, if he is the backbone.

Guys, it's been rough times. Have fun. All you got is your friends to have your back. Everything's good. If you want to have a good time, just trust your friends will have your back. That's it. I got the Mostly Sorry podcast I had Jesse on this week. Shout out to Ludwig Drums, one of the biggest drum companies in the world. That's fine, though.

You know, all my friends, they just cut our back. Let's all laugh together, you fucking idiots. Peace. There you go. He's Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. All right. Check out DeathSquad.TV. Check out Brothers in Cursive if you like David and William. We have a podcast we

do, and we also have a great patreon that's really awesome thanks a lot guys and don't forget never stab your friends in the back when you're trying to work you know the last person you would expect to fuck up your friends job is your friend right respect your

friend exactly that's what I'm saying I've been saying this whole time I'm saying. That's what I've been saying this whole time. I'm taking the month of December off. That's for sure. And big announcements are coming. Big changes are coming. Massive changes to the show are coming.

You're going to want to stay tuned. All good, though. All positive. Really, really positive. It's going to take the show to the show are coming. You're going to want to stay tuned. All good, though. All positive. Really, really positive. It's going to take the show to the next level. Yeah. Just remember that Red Band and I

for over almost eight years have had your best interests at heart, and we will continue to do that just like we always have. So stay tuned. Exciting change is coming. Good night.チャンネル登録よろしくお願いします